#ITS REAL ITS REAL ITS REAL ITS REAL ITS REAL

[mostlysignssomeportents]

Red Lobster was killed by private equity, not Endless Shrimp

For the rest of May, my bestselling solarpunk utopian novel THE LOST CAUSE (2023) is available as a $2.99, DRM-free ebook!

A decade ago, a hedge fund had an improbable viral comedy hit: a 294-page slide deck explaining why Olive Garden was going out of business, blaming the failure on too many breadsticks and insufficiently salted pasta-water:

https://www.sec.gov/Archives/edgar/data/940944/000092189514002031/ex991dfan14a06297125_091114.pdf

Everyone loved this story. As David Dayen wrote for Salon, it let readers "mock that silly chain restaurant they remember from their childhoods in the suburbs" and laugh at "the silly hedge fund that took the time to write the world’s worst review":

https://www.salon.com/2014/09/17/the_real_olive_garden_scandal_why_greedy_hedge_funders_suddenly_care_so_much_about_breadsticks/

But – as Dayen wrote at the time, the hedge fund that produced that slide deck, Starboard Value, was not motivated by dissatisfaction with bread-sticks. They were "activist investors" (finspeak for "rapacious assholes") with a giant stake in Darden Restaurants, Olive Garden's parent company. They wanted Darden to liquidate all of Olive Garden's real-estate holdings and declare a one-off dividend that would net investors a billion dollars, while literally yanking the floor out from beneath Olive Garden, converting it from owner to tenant, subject to rent-shocks and other nasty surprises.

They wanted to asset-strip the company, in other words ("asset strip" is what they call it in hedge-fund land; the mafia calls it a "bust-out," famous to anyone who watched the twenty-third episode of The Sopranos):

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bust_Out

Starboard didn't have enough money to force the sale, but they had recently engineered the CEO's ouster. The giant slide-deck making fun of Olive Garden's food was just a PR campaign to help it sell the bust-out by creating a narrative that they were being activists* to save this badly managed disaster of a restaurant chain.

*assholes

Starboard was bent on eviscerating Darden like a couple of entrail-maddened dogs in an elk carcass:

https://web.archive.org/web/20051220005944/http://alumni.media.mit.edu/~solan/dogsinelk/

They had forced Darden to sell off another of its holdings, Red Lobster, to a hedge-fund called Golden Gate Capital. Golden Gate flogged all of Red Lobster's real estate holdings for $2.1 billion the same day, then pissed it all away on dividends to its shareholders, including Starboard. The new landlords, a Real Estate Investment Trust, proceeded to charge so much for rent on those buildings Red Lobster just flogged that the company's net earnings immediately dropped by half.

Dayen ends his piece with these prophetic words:

Olive Garden and Red Lobster may not be destinations for hipster Internet journalists, and they have seen revenue declines amid stagnant middle-class wages and increased competition. But they are still profitable businesses. Thousands of Americans work there. Why should they be bled dry by predatory investors in the name of “shareholder value”? What of the value of worker productivity instead of the financial engineers?

Flash forward a decade. Today, Dayen is editor-in-chief of The American Prospect, one of the best sources of news about private equity looting in the world. Writing for the Prospect, Luke Goldstein picks up Dayen's story, ten years on:

https://prospect.org/economy/2024-05-22-raiding-red-lobster/

It's not pretty. Ten years of being bled out on rents and flipped from one hedge fund to another has killed Red Lobster. It just shuttered 50 restaurants and declared Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Ten years hasn't changed much; the same kind of snark that was deployed at the news of Olive Garden's imminent demise is now being hurled at Red Lobster.

Instead of dunking on free bread-sticks, Red Lobster's grave-dancers are jeering at "Endless Shrimp," a promotional deal that works exactly how it sounds like it would work. Endless Shrimp cost the chain $11m.

Which raises a question: why did Red Lobster make this money-losing offer? Are they just good-hearted slobs? Can't they do math?

Or, you know, was it another hedge-fund, bust-out scam?

Here's a hint. The supplier who provided Red Lobster with all that shrimp is Thai Union. Thai Union also owns Red Lobster. They bought the chain from Golden Gate Capital, last seen in 2014, holding a flash-sale on all of Red Lobster's buildings, pocketing billions, and cutting Red Lobster's earnings in half.

Red Lobster rose to success – 700 restaurants nationwide at its peak – by combining no-frills dining with powerful buying power, which it used to force discounts from seafood suppliers. In response, the seafood industry consolidated through a wave of mergers, turning into a cozy cartel that could resist the buyer power of Red Lobster and other major customers.

This was facilitated by conservation efforts that limited the total volume of biomass that fishers were allowed to extract, and allocated quotas to existing companies and individual fishermen. The costs of complying with this "catch management" system were high, punishingly so for small independents, bearably so for large conglomerates.

Competition from overseas fisheries drove consolidation further, as countries in the global south were blocked from implementing their own conservation efforts. US fisheries merged further, seeking economies of scale that would let them compete, largely by shafting fishermen and other suppliers. Today's Alaskan crab fishery is dominated by a four-company cartel; in the Pacific Northwest, most fish goes through a single intermediary, Pacific Seafood.

These dominant actors entered into illegal collusive arrangements with one another to rig their markets and further immiserate their suppliers, who filed antitrust suits accusing the companies of operating a monopsony (a market with a powerful buyer, akin to a monopoly, which is a market with a powerful seller):

https://www.classaction.org/news/pacific-seafood-under-fire-for-allegedly-fixing-prices-paid-to-dungeness-crabbers-in-pacific-northwest

Golden Gate bought Red Lobster in the midst of these fish wars, promising to right its ship. As Goldstein points out, that's the same promise they made when they bought Payless shoes, just before they destroyed the company and flogged it off to Alden Capital, the hedge fund that bought and destroyed dozens of America's most beloved newspapers:

https://pluralistic.net/2021/10/16/sociopathic-monsters/#all-the-news-thats-fit-to-print

Under Golden Gate's management, Red Lobster saw its staffing levels slashed, so diners endured longer wait times to be seated and served. Then, in 2020, they sold the company to Thai Union, the company's largest supplier (a transaction Goldstein likens to a Walmart buyout of Procter and Gamble).

Thai Union continued to bleed Red Lobster, imposing more cuts and loading it up with more debts financed by yet another private equity giant, Fortress Investment Group. That brings us to today, with Thai Union having moved a gigantic amount of its own product through a failing, debt-loaded subsidiary, even as it lobbies for deregulation of American fisheries, which would let it and its lobbying partners drain American waters of the last of its depleted fish stocks.

Dayen's 2020 must-read book Monopolized describes the way that monopolies proliferate, using the US health care industry as a case-study:

https://pluralistic.net/2021/01/29/fractal-bullshit/#dayenu

After deregulation allowed the pharma sector to consolidate, it acquired pricing power of hospitals, who found themselves gouged to the edge of bankruptcy on drug prices. Hospitals then merged into regional monopolies, which allowed them to resist pharma pricing power – and gouge health insurance companies, who saw the price of routine care explode. So the insurance companies gobbled each other up, too, leaving most of us with two or fewer choices for health insurance – even as insurance prices skyrocketed, and our benefits shrank.

Today, Americans pay more for worse healthcare, which is delivered by health workers who get paid less and work under worse conditions. That's because, lacking a regulator to consolidate patients' interests, and strong unions to consolidate workers' interests, patients and workers are easy pickings for those consolidated links in the health supply-chain.

That's a pretty good model for understanding what's happened to Red Lobster: monopoly power and monopsony power begat more monopolies and monoposonies in the supply chain. Everything that hasn't consolidated is defenseless: diners, restaurant workers, fishermen, and the environment. We're all fucked.

Decent, no-frills family restaurant are good. Great, even. I'm not the world's greatest fan of chain restaurants, but I'm also comfortably middle-class and not struggling to afford to give my family a nice night out at a place with good food, friendly staff and reasonable prices. These places are easy pickings for looters because the people who patronize them have little power in our society – and because those of us with more power are easily tricked into sneering at these places' failures as a kind of comeuppance that's all that's due to tacky joints that serve the working class.

If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/05/23/spineless/#invertebrates

[canon-gabriel-quotes]

Transcript:

The masculine urge to have the feminine urge to be masculine, femininely.

Audio source

[mewvore]

drew myself pregnant, for fun

[ominous-horse-noises]

main takeaway from certain fan reactions to the finale is this:

the final scene with ankarna was so meaningful to the bad kids' arcs and how they made peace with being wronged by people they loved, and if all you can focus on is that the rat grinders didn't get much screentime, then you don't love dimension20 and you don't love this world: you want to be playing your own hs themed dnd campaign and you're mad the oc versions of the rat grinders you made up in your head acted ooc. these are not your characters and this is not their story.

[weewoo911]

If we ever do get a Buddie first date I would love it if there were no emergencies/hiccups- but they both keep expecting there to be

Like they both jump to their feet at the restaurant because someone is choking but it turns out, no, he just has a bad cough. They see a flash of fire at the bar but it’s just a flaming cocktail. Buck thinks he sees Taylor but it’s just a woman with vaguely the same hair. And they’re both jittery and nervous and maybe this is kinda weird but they both really want it

Then I see it going one of two ways- they either ditch the fancy restaurant and get burgers and sit on the back of Eddie’s truck, laughing like a couple of kids. Or. They order a bunch of drinks and the date goes like Jake & Amy’s from B99

[astonmartinii]

but daddy i love him [guilty as sin part two] | charles leclerc social media au

pairing: charles leclerc x fem sainz!reader

when an unstoppable force (the sainz men when they feel aggrieved) meets an immovable object (charles and y/n)

MASTERLIST | SERIES MASTERLIST | TIP JAR

carlossainz55

liked by landonorris, marcmarquez93 and 783,409 others

carlossainz55: never forget where you came from

view all comments

user100: insert cricket noises here

user101: who on your PR team said this was a good idea?

user102: they need to be fired, sorry not sorry

landonorris: i love your dad (tell him to stop beating me at golf)

carlossainz55: if he never lets me win he's definitely never letting you win

landonorris: so unfair i thought i was the third sainz sibling :(

carlossainz55: i'm an only child

landonorris: oh-

user103: i need this man to choke i'm being so serious rn

user104: that's so unbelievably fucked

user105: the fact his dad is probably co-signing this shit is insane that's YOUR DAUGHTER

user106: also someone give lando a lil slap around he's on the wrong side of history on this one

yourusername: scandal does funny things to pride

carlossainz55: if the scandal is betraying your family that's all you

yourusername: if we're talking about betrayal then that's your specialist subject mr. i've cheated on every girl i've ever been with - and while we're on the topic of betrayal, yes i was the one who told them

carlossainz55: i've never cheated why are you stooping to lies?

yourusername: you did it right in front of my face when i was a part of this family

carlossainz55: so you've always been comfortable going behind my back

yourusername: that's the thing, when you're treated like you don't exist by your family you learn that blood is not thicker than water

carlossainz55: i can't wait for charles to cheat on you

yourusername: btw i already called marca, they know any of those allegations from you or dad are false - good luck!

user10: obvs i know they should be doing this in private but MORE DRAMA FOR ME BABY LETS KEEP THIS GOING

user107: thank you for the validation y/n i KNEW THE SHIT STIRRING COMING FROM THAT PAPER WAS THE SAINZ CAMP

user108: and they've got the nerve to be talking about stooping - the call is coming from inside the house

maxverstappen1: ugly twins

carlossainz55: really?

maxverstappen1: i said what i said and i mean what i said

carlossainz55: i would say she's not going to fuck you bro but you really never know with her

maxverstappen1: she would never, homewrecking is a trait only the male sainzs seem to have

user109: OOP

user110: max is a real lestappen queen fighting the battles he knows charles can't

yourusername

liked by pierregasly, maxverstappen1 and 893,405 others

tagged: charles_leclerc

yourusername: if you know within one glimpse, its legendary

view all comments

user114: i love how she goes from fighting her brother in one comment section to just showing off her hot bf

user115: tbf charles does have a face you'd go to war for so i get her

user116: i'd abandon my family for that face

yourusername: finally someone who fucking gets it

charles_leclerc: you made me believe in love at first sight

yourusername: awwwwww you're such a sweet talker the REAL smooth operator

pierregasly: i can verify it was love at first sight cause the man did not SHUT THE FUCK UP about you well... ever

charles_leclerc: is it a crime to love my girlfriend?

pierregasly: apparently!

yourusername: he's too cute to go to jail :(

charles_leclerc: they'd ruin me

yourusername: that's my job 🤨

pierregasly: you keep that to yourselves

user117: does this girl need to shade carlos on every single fucking post... yeah we get it he's the only reason you're relevant but god you reek of desperation

oscarpiastri: is this carlos' burner account?

user118: are the grid just sat around waiting to be tagged in to the fight against carlos?

oscarpiastri: what's he going to do? crash into me? he does that every weekend anyway

user119: uh oh carlos oscar is finally fighting back off track what are you going to do

user120: don't worry i'm sure he'll post a selfie with lando and try the whole carlando shtick to get some more PR points

maxverstappen1: oh this was not the shit slinging post i was hoping for

yourusername: something tells me you're having way too much fun with this

maxverstappen1: yeah you might have been abandoned by your family but have YOU considered that this is letting me express all my mean girl energy off track so i am level-headed on track

maxverstappen1: actually i don't even think i'm being mean tbf

yourusername: i'm glad my suffering could be your therapy

carlossainz55: BOO HOO you're not suffering ... it's something called the consequences of your actions (read: actions being a snakey slut)

yourusername: bro over here acting like i committed fratricide

maxverstappen1: TAP ME IN

maxverstappen1: not this man talking about the consequences of actions. kids, here's a little life lesson: if you spend all your time at your current job talking about how you have a much better job waiting for you and how you're too big for this job and plant stories about your co-workers, you can't be surprised that that same job doesn't want to keep you

carlossainz55: i am better than charles

yourusername: lying is a sin

maxverstappen1: and you're going straight to hell

user121: you guys might be mourning the loss of charlos (whatever the fuck that is) but i'm celebrating the absolute shit ton of LESTAPPEN we're getting

user122: max was like oh my bff is dating charles here's my excuse to be nice about him again

user123: if we're being real here the biggest crime of this whole situation is the fact that charles can't really dig the knife in

user124: @ silvia i have maybe £4.50 and a greggs sausage roll to my name but PLEASE LET CHARLES TAP IN

f1

liked by charles_leclerc, oscarpiastri and 1,298,006 others

tagged: oscarpiastri & carlossainz55

f1: f1... the sport that gives you just as much drama off track as we do on track!

view all comments

user125: at this point even before the whole carlos ousting his sister i think oscar was about 👌🏻 this close to rocking carlos nascar style we should let him do it

user126: i will personally pay his legal fees tbh

oscarpiastri: i'm only 23 i don't need two F1-related legal cases to my name

yourusername: i've watched legally blonde about ten billion times let me represent you

oscarpiastri: yeah sounds legit

user127: THAT'S IT WE NEED PROXIMITY CHAT IN F1

user128: the way we know there was a shit talking session like no other after this race

maxverstappen1: i don't kiss and tell but well - yes!

user128: okay since this is clearly a safe space... who was there please spill mr. verstappen

maxverstappen1: ME! charles, pierre, oscar, checo, alex and george!

user128: why the fuck were the last two there?

georgerussell63: i was on official GDPA duty 🤓

alexalbon: that's a lie we're just very nosey

yourusername: they're the biggest PTA moms ever don't even lie

georgerussell63: yes i'll make allergy friendly cupcakes for the bake sale but i'll also spit in them and gossip about your cheating husband - sorry about it!

alexalbon: he's not

georgerussell63: i'm not

user129: carlos slagging off y/n but she's really brought the grid together

user130: george and alex being like we do not care about that but we do want the latest scoop

alexalbon: oh don't get it twisted we're firmly team y/n

user131: we even got the f1 admin in on the drama

carlossainz55: she's probably fucking them as well

yourusername: BORING get a new bit babe

carlossainz55: if i see whore i'm going to say whore

yourusername: aren't you still in that damn stewards office?

carlossainz55: tell your little lap dog to keep his front wing away from my car and maybe i wouldn't

oscarpiastri: suck my dick

yourusername: now that's true poetry

user132: oH!

yourusername

liked by maxverstappen1, alexalbon and 763,409 others

tagged: charles_leclerc, logansargent & oscarpiastri

yourusername: florida !!!!!!!!!!! is one hell of a drug. no seriously what is in the water here i keep picking up these little guys everywhere i go

view all comments

user135: she's really like i AM spanish and i will colonise this grid

user136: stealing all the lil cuties for her cause

oscarpiastri: proud to be a part of this weird little circus thing we've got going on

yourusername: oh dibs on ring master

logansargent: i feel like my name is written all over tight rope walking

yourusername: okay yes skinny legend

maxverstappen1: obvs we're a cruelty free circus so no lions but if there were lions, that's me babe

maxverstappen1: SOME people could learn... cough, cough trophy hunters

charles_leclerc: idk i'll just take the one where i can sit there and be pretty

yourusername: and you would be the best at it

oscarpiastri: which one does the least? i'll take that one

user137: bro can we slow the fuck down i was just getting over osc telling carlos to suck his dick now we're talking CIRCUS?

user138: for real couldn't it have at least been cabaret i wanna see ALL of that

charles_leclerc: 🤨

carlossainz55: i think a circus is a perfect way to describe your desperate attempt to stay relevant

yourusername: don't you have a job to go to? oh wait...

carlossainz55: as if i'm threatened by a group with the likes of logan sargent in it

logansargent: bit harsh, i'm a nice guy (unlike some)

yourusername: carlos here's a little bit of a wild thing i'm about to introduce to you.... people have friends?

yourusername: also you WISH you had a face card like logie

carlossainz55: i have friends?

yourusername: no you have PR strategies, there's a difference

carlossainz55: bro learnt the word PR and ran with it

yourusername: tell me one person who would let you crash on their couch?

yourusername: QUICKLY.

fernandoalo_oficial: and don't even think about mentioning me

user139: she hit him with the bianca del rio

user140: OOP and also nando just popping up out of nowhere to diss carlos and never say anything again

charles_leclerc: the drug in question being puppy fever

maxverstappen1: tell me you didn't get a dog

yourusername: boy do i have news for you

carlossainz55: are you trying to baby trap him

yourusername: first woman in history to birth a dog you heard it here first

charles_leclerc: you simply can't be babytrapped when you would literally jump off a bridge if asked to

user141: @myboyfriend TAKE NOTES HONEY ^^^

charles_leclerc

liked by maxverstappen1, landonorris and 1,745,093 others

tagged: yourusername & oscarpiastri

charles_leclerc: two kids in one month? someone stop us

view all comments

user142: y/n really lost an apartment and a brother and gained about 27 f1 drivers and a dog

user143: glow up of the century some might say

liked by charles_leclerc

yourusername: soz it's a coping mechanism

charles_leclerc: and that's okay <3

maxverstappen1: anything to help with that emotional CONSTIPATION

yourusername: have you tried to live with those narcissistic and emotionally unavailable men?

maxverstappen1: you're asking the wrong person that question honey

yourusername: girl are WE good?

maxverstappen1: no

yourusername: BUT THAT'S OKAY

charles_leclerc: not to rain on this parade but i think therapy would really be a positive move here

user144: i feel bad for charles cause i know these hoes are the type to just tell each other EXACTLYYYYY when they make poor decisions

maxverstappen1: true, no smart bitches would let their bff live with THAT man

yourusername: and let their bff constantly chat shit and ruin their image

maxverstappen1: can't ruin my image if i'm spitting FACTS

user145: max will nawt let this go

maxverstappen1: i'll forget you but i'll never forgive the smallest man who ever lived

yourusername: GIRL

maxverstappen1: whoops, one sec. spoiler alert: y/n unleased poetry. trigger warning: c*rlos s*inz

olliebearman: ollie bearman erasure

charles_leclerc: GASP OLLIE I AM SO SORRY

yourusername: no he actually is he's crying

charles_leclerc: it's the pregnancy hormones

olliebearman: it's okay i swear

charles_leclerc: I'M A TERRIBLE FATHER

carlossainz55: i could've told you that for free

olliebearman: why are you in our family buisness

user146: charles is channelling all of his carlos rage through ollie oh my

olliebearman: i am a happy conduit for my father who is in the ferrari PR jail

yourusername: can we send carlos here and throw away the key?

user147: charles is really out there like keep my girl's name out of your mouth cause even the bitch who stole your seat for a weekend is my SON

user148: y/n wasn't joking about with this grid domination

user149: but also i'm glad all of this fun stuff is happening amongst all of the shit that's been thrown at her from her family

oscarpiastri: a leclerc and proud (i race like my dad and throw shade like my mum)

yourusername: the best way to be

charles_leclerc: proud of you, you're such a good dog brother :)

oscarpiastri: i've just learnt to be patient after alpine and lando

yourusername: you still took your shoes being leo's personal bathroom really well

oscarpiastri: he's too cute to be mad at

yourusername

liked by maxverstappen, charles_leclerc and 824,109 others

tagged: charles_leclerc

yourusername: first mother's day with my boys

view all comments

user150: gonna enjoy this super wholesome post before... he... ruins it

user151: manifesting a y/n post without that bitter old hag in the comment section

charles_leclerc: the best mother for our fur baby and our miscellaneous other children

yourusername: only the best with you :(

charles_leclerc: ugh i love you so much

yourusername: i love you even more

user152: they're so fucking cute

user153: damn carlos i too would be angry if my baby sister and my teammate outshined my third PR relationship in six months

user154: the sainz family have generational levels of hating, but one does it for good (poetry) and one does it for bad (anything carlos ever says)

oscarpiastri: happiest mother's day to my grid mum! here's to reading them to filth xx

yourusername: OSC!! i always knew you were my favourite aussie

danielricciardo: did my enchante PR mean nothing?

yourusername: i mean i wear it all of the time... but it's osc ...

danielricciardo: true, i broke my hand before i could even think of accidentally hurting him

user155: also babe is looking so unbothered, moisturised and free we need the skin care routine

oscarpiastri: the tears of carlos sainz

yourusername: and cleansing your life of toxic family members

user156: okay clearly oscar was done with the whole "i'm so chill" bit cause since his adoption by charles and y/n he's been non stop on carlos' neck

oscarpiastri: i'm a ride or die for my mum cry about it

maxverstappen1: as the kids would say ... mother is mothering? @olliebearman did i do it right?

charles_leclerc: stop trying to steal my kids

maxverstappen1: BRO I'M TRYING TO COMPLIMENT YOUR GIRLFRIEND

charles_leclerc: that's literally my job 🤨

yourusername: tbf i'll take as many compliments as i can

charles_leclerc: are mine not enough?

yourusername: when you've got a self esteem this low, you gotta take what you can get

charles_leclerc: oh :(

user157: max and y/n fighting over who trauma dumps more about their upbringing

carlossainz55: this bit is very tiring. you'll be a terrible mother and all these people you think are your friends will drop you as soon as they know who you really are.

yourusername: you done?

carlossainz55: as you loveeeee to point out, i don't have much to lose anymore so i really wouldn't test me

yourusername: trying to make me homeless and stealing all of my money wasn't enough?

carlossainz55: charles will know the truth soon enough and you won't have us to come crying to

yourusername: i'll take those chances thank you

user158: hold ON what do you mean stole all her money

yourusername: i was never allowed my own bank account so all my earnings have gone to them!

user159: okay that's it WE RIDE AT DAWN

fin.

note: oh girl life has been BUSY!!! i just got a new job and have been looking desperately for a flat to move out to. also i've had family visiting and going here, there and everywhere. but i hope you enjoy! this was a lil more light-hearted lol (until the end) so enjoy the addition of the leclerc family lore xx

ALSO i wanted to say a massive THANK YOU FOR 6,000 FOLLOWERS love you all <3

taglist: @aadu2173@rhythmstars@kqliie@booksandflowrs@2bormaybenot @firelily-mimi @evie-119 @mehrsdigitaldiary @sltwins @bibissparkles @evans-dejong @eiaaasamantha @23victoria @halleest @venusacrossthestars @boywondrgrayson @rare2306 @charlesgirl16 @reguluscrystals @hiireadstuff @destinyg237 @mael1pastry @sweet-creature98 @changetyre @eclipsedcherry @its-elias-world @brune77e @exotic-iris13 @woozarts @alenix @minkyungseokie @sheridamn @boherahpsody @jaydaaasworld @e-nonsense @vogueprincess @loloekie @dckgzz @cluvsya @amberpanda99 @apollosfavkiddo @lyraconstellation @marshmummy @casperlikej @softtina @gabys-gabs @happyhoganluvr @sesamepancakes @mehrmonga @hdigditditdjgd @elijahslover @k4marina @velentine @callsignwidow @scott-mccall-could-lift-mjolnir @thetorturedblogger @bwormie @moldyshorts1997 @mellowarcadefun @ietss @cecedrake2217 @charllleclerc @golden-hoax @nikfigueiredo

[sakura-rose12]

Woah look its the Heart Pirates in Wano these are totally real can u believe Cora saw Law fan boy over Stealth Black

Masterlist

[hannieehaee]

Hehe hi luna! 🥺🫶 may i request birthday sex w chan except its his fake childrens day birthday and he finds it hilarious that you're taking it so seriously when actually you just want an excuse to spoil him for (another) day? 💕💕

18+ / mdi

content: birthday!chan, established relationship implied, lots of banter, (it's not actually his birthday!!) afab reader, smut, penetrative sex, unprotected sex, etc.

wc: 1538

a/n: im convinced this would actually happen in real life lol

masterlist

"god, you too?", chan laughed incredulously as soon as he stepped foot into your shared apartment, surprised at the sight but not really.

he should've known that the joke would make its way to you eventually.

"what? can't celebrate my boyfriend's birthday?", you pouted mockingly as you held out the small birthday cake out to him.

behind you stood a few birthday decorations you'd bought behind chan's back a few days back – dinosaur themed, of course.

looking at all the decorations clearly marketed towards children, chan chuckled again, walking up to you and staring you down as he attempted not to smile. unfortunately, the situation was too ridiculous for him to put his acting skills to use.

"you're the bane of my existence," he said once he was in front of you as you lifted up the cake in a silent gesture for him to blow out the singular candle.

"make a wish?", you ignored him.

sighing, he leaned down to follow your instruction, closing his eyes and taking a second to hum as he thought of a wish. blowing out the candle, he then straightened his back and gave you a forced smile (which barely hid the very real smile on his lips).

"happy?"

"very," you grinned, "what was your wish?", you asked as you put the cake down on the table nearby, now heading to wrap your arms around his shoulders.

instinctively, his hands glued themselves around your waist, pulling you in close, "for my girlfriend to stop bullying me."

"dude, that was a trick question! you're not supposed to tell me. everyone knows that. now your wish won't come true!", you gaped at him, mocking him with every word.

groaning, he buried his face in your neck, defiantly giving the empty skin of your shoulder a tiny bite.

you yelped, complaining at the sudden attack, "ah! i prepare you a birthday party and this is how you repay me?"

"what good do i get out of your mockery, baby?"

nudging him away from your shoulder, you gave him a suggestive look, "well, you know what comes with every birthday, right?"

"hmm", he pondered, "what might that be?"

you leaned up close, lips by his ear, "birthday sex?"

"oh ...", he breathed out, hands tightening on your waist, "is that so?"

with a bite to your lip, you nodded, separating yourself from him and walking yourself back to your bedroom, eyes glued to his own, "wanna come unwrap your present?", you asked before turning around and charging into the room.

nodding, he followed after you, catching up to you as he held you in his arms, practically tackling you. the act was followed by a heavy kiss as his hands wrapped around you once more, feeling you up through your clothes. your hands were equally needy as they ran through his hair, softly pulling in the way you knew he liked.

"you bully me a lot for someone who wants me this badly," he bantered into your lips.

"'bully'? is that how you thank your girlfriend for caring about your birthday?", you just were not letting go of the joke.

despite how silly the whole situation was, chan couldn't find it in himself to feel any type of real frustration. your dedication made him too fond (and surprisingly, a little horny), causing him to simply chuckle against your lips while his hands attempted to rid you of your clothes.

your newfound almost-nudity proved to be a bigger challenge than dealing with your teasing, as you now stood in front of chan with one of the prettiest sets of lingerie he'd ever seen.

"like your gift, baby?" you grinned at him, disconnecting from him and walking yourself back to the bed, sitting down as you presented your body to him.

any thoughts of a stupid birthday joke left his mind as he zeroed in on your body, breath now heavy at the sight.

"yeah," he went along with it, "best birthday gift ever," his words did not meet his eyes, as they showed lust that could not be portrayed through speech.

he threw off his clothing as he made his way to you, stumbling as he removed his shoes but determined nonetheless. finally reaching you, he pushed you back on the bed, crawling over you as his hands got their fill of your body.

"do i get to fuck you, baby? or are you gonna do it since it's my day?", he murmured into your neck, drinking in any pretty sigh you let out at his kisses.

"the birthday boy gets to decide," you breathed when his lips made their way to your tits, suckling at your nipples through the thin bralette you were wearing.

"mind if i rip my present, pretty?" his hands were itching to get you as naked as he was.

"you didn't like it?", you pouted mockingly, knowing that was absolutely not the case.

"i'll fuck you with it on, i don't care," he was serious too.

opting to hastily remove it instead, he went to reach for a condom from the bedside table, only to be halted by you.

"doesn't the birthday boy want to fuck me raw?", you looked up at him expectantly.

huh?

"baby?", he gulped.

"happy birthday?", you smiled at him, pulling him down for another kiss.

he practically growled against your lips, "happy birthday to me," he sighed before beginning to sloppily align himself to your cunt, refusing to disconnect your lips.

a groan vibrated into your open mouth when he finally entered you, breathing out praise as you sucked at his tongue.

he grew desperate quite quickly, falling in love with the feeling of your bare cunt within seconds. chan was sure this was the most unfiltered pleasure he had ever felt. your walls were too warm for him to process, making him entirely too lightheaded to even comprehend how good he was feeling.

the thought of your first time giving it to him raw being part of a lamely orchestrated joke crossed his mind for a mere second, but it didnt distract him from pounding into you with every ounce of desire imbedded in his body. he couldnt comprehend how good you were to him – how pretty and funny and perfect and just tailored to him you were.

making up an entire ruse of his fake birthday just to mess with him, luring him back into your room and then presenting your bare cunt to him ... yeah, he needed to marry you asap.

rocking his hips into your own, his hands held onto the back of your thighs for dear life, holding them up to get the optimal angle that allowed him to hit that spongy spot inside of you that he knew drove you crazy. the pretty whines of his name were just another reason as to why chan felt the sudden need to head to the nearest jewelry store and ransack them of the largest ring they had to offer.

"feel so fucking good ... fuck, i- pretty cunt keeps sucking me in," he moaned out into your lips.

the kiss wasn't even a kiss anymore. it was a disgusting mess of tongues sucking at each other while teeth clanked every once in a while. but it was a nastiness that chan lived for.

"channie ... fuck, need you to cum. need my pretty birthday boy to cum," you murmured as he sucked at your tongue, making it all the harder for you to let out a single sentence.

you knew his body too well. it was far too easy for you to spot his orgasm coming. luckily for him, he knew you even better, aware that yours was likely around the corner.

not wanting to risk cumming before you (which was very likely considering the gorgeous cunt warming up his cock at the moment), his hand slipped between you to flick at your clit, swallowing every pretty moan breathed out against his lips.

"where? where can i cum, pretty? hmm? need- need you to tell me where," he knew he was being obvious about his unspoken desire to cum in you, but he wanted a full-pledged confirmation that you wanted him to finish inside you – that and also a depraved need to hear you beg to be filled up.

"inside, channie ... you know- you know i want it inside. need you to fill me up," you whined, nails scratching at his back.

"gonna film you up ..." he promised, "gonna have you dripping for me, okay?"

only moments later and he found himself emptying all of him inside you as he gasped into your mouth, only to begin crying out against you when your cunt suddenly tightened with your own orgasm.

humping against you, he lost himself in the pleasure while his orgasm subsided along with yours. pretty sighs of his name filled his ears, making him murmur praise against your own.

finally falling limp against you, he lazily flipped you over so half your body would lay atop his own whilst he ran his hands softly up and down your back.

"did you like your birthday present?" you asked. he could feel your dumb smile against his chest.

chuckling, he gave up, "fucking love my birthday."

[silken-moonlight]

I love imperial style novels, now lets add fantasy ans smutt so we get this tiny cute idea:

Vampire emperor and you are his newest concubine. The other concubines are mean, are absolutly annoyed with a new addition to the Harem. Also you are so sweet and kind, don't worry, they say, they'll change you.

But you gain the attention of the vampire emperor when you go off on a fellow concubine for being insufferable to a young maid. To your misfortune its the emporers favourite concubine.

He tells you to follow him, taking you through the castle. You think he will punish you, but...suddenly you are in his bedroom. He seals the door.

"Sit on the bed" he tells you. You obey. He sits down across from the bed and watches you.

He spits commands: "Undress." "Lay back" "Eyes on me"

Then he tells you to touch yourself. You are embaressed but turned on. You touch yourself, he guides you how to, where to tease and to pinch. He edges you through your own hands until he finally lets you cum.

This becomes a routine, every second day he orders you into his bedroom, making you touch yourself. Sometimes, there are toys laid out for your or lingerie. Often these days there is a blindfold you have to wear, sometimes you have to tie your legs apart. You are his personal entertainment. He never speaks more than those commands.

You crave more, you want to be taken, you need something inside you. Something real.

You never speak more to him, only moaning, not even begging. So afraid that you'll destroy this all.

But one night he has teased you for hours, not letting you cum, you cry out of need to cum. You want to come, you really really need to actually. So your lips part and you let out a whiny:"Please...I need you."

"Fucking finally." He growls and is on you in a second. His cock suddenly in your leaking cunt and his fangs buried in your neck.

You will not be able to walk tomorrow, not that you really care right now.

[en-ternity]

⋅ GENRES: established relationship; fluff & smut

⋅ PAIRING: Jongseong x fem!reader

⋅ WORD COUNT: 2.7K

⋅ WARNINGS: down bad!Jongseong trying to be rough with you for the first time in bed; a single smack; unprotected sex

special thanks to @ikeuverse. you know this story wouldn’t have come out without you! and also, special thanks to everyone who gave me the signals to post it! it’s my first plotless smut, but i hope it is at least enjoyable! ♡

It had been bold of you, that was for certain.

But aside from Jongseong’s whispered jokes of desiring to eat you alive, your boyfriend never had been anything but gentle with you in bed. Kind hands and soft touches, always patient, and always putting you first. Not that it was bad — no, he was the best you ever had. But it had been inevitable for you to not grow curious about what he meant by his eccentric statement.

So you asked.

The soft light of the late afternoon sun cast a warm glow over Jongseong’s bedroom as it began its descent below the horizon, patches of rose gold reflecting on his television and making the movie he had put on hard to see — and maybe it had been the reason why he had lost his interest not even twenty minutes into it, his calloused fingers finding that strip of skin between your skirt and top, coaxing you into his lap until your legs were straddling his hips, knees comfortably digging into his mattress and your hands clutching at his shoulders, just as he liked it.

“I thought you wanted to watch the movie,” you said. But Jongseong was already busy, lips finding the base of your neck, trailing the expanse of your throat with soft kisses. And when he noticed that your statement required a reply, it came as an incoherent murmur, a huff of air that got you coiling yourself because it tickled.

He laughed at you then, not meaning to be unkind, but simply and merely amused by you.

“You are so cute. I could eat you alive,” he said, the last word coming as a bite in the air, a playful act that you knew just as much as the conjunct of phrases itself, but still — it made you stop.

Your sex life with Jongseong wasn’t exactly new. You had lost count of the times he had already made you come around him, from lazy make-out sessions in the front seat of his car to the hot press of your bodies into the mattress of your bedrooms, he never failed to. It had been months of discovering each other — months of learning how the other liked to be kissed, touched, and even teased. And throughout the course of it, you would be lying if you ever said you hadn’t heard this same conjunct of phrases quite a lot, but never Jongseong had been anything but gentle with you, kind hands and soft touches giving no real indication of what he truly meant by his eccentric statement and it had been inevitable for you to not grow curious.

“Jay?”

“Yes, love?”

“I just-” you started, tongue already rolling into the question, but you felt Jongseong shifting beneath you, leaning himself against his bed’s headboard as he tried to get a better view of you, eyes searching for yours with so much care — you felt a flush of warmth creeping up to your cheeks and the words stuttered and stammered, turning too shy to leave your mouth in case it ricocheted.

“Is there something wrong?” he asked.

You shook your head at his question, hands suddenly too restless to stay promptly at his shoulders, so you concentrated on playing with the sewing of his dark t-shirt, the tip of your fingers pinching at the lines with an attention that didn’t go unnoticed by him.

“Tell me,” he tried again, his voice coming even softer than before. “You know I don’t like it when you seem bothered.”

“I just — I just got curious about what you mean by it,” you said. “Eating me alive.”

Although you didn’t give yourself enough time to doubt the wisdom of saying it this time, the words came weakly — almost too silent for your own ears, and for a moment you doubted Jongseong had heard it. But then, he stopped, a sharp swallow going into his lungs.

He looked at you as if he was searching for something that told him you were joking — teasing him for being so down for you because that was how your relationship had been built, but when he found none, he reached for you, fingers barely ghosting over your skin, cupping your cheek, and curling under your jaw so he could gently tilt you up to him. The remaining luminosity turned his eyes lighter, a blend of honey and whisky as his lashes cast shadows over his flushed cheeks and you felt your chest easing.

You were a fool for thinking Park Jongseong would ever do anything to hurt you.

“Is it what’s bothering you?”

“It’s not bothering,” you said. “I just got curious.”

Jongseong hummed at you, lips twitching into a smile, and when he laughed, eyes slightly closing, you didn’t feel offended. You knew Jongseong all too well to figure it had been solely out of embarrassment.

“Well, it’s just what it sounds like,” he admitted. “You are so cute that sometimes I don’t know what to do. I want to pin you against a wall, turn you over on the bed — be a little mean, you know? Eat you alive.”

“And why- why have you never tried?” you asked.

“Would you want me to?”

“Yes,” you said, cheeks suddenly too warm. “I would want you to.”

His gaze flitted down to your lips, and back up to your eyes. It took him another breath to push the tip of his fingers further through you, and around your ear, cradling the back of your neck and pulling you so close that you did not only hear his next words but felt them against your lips, warm and sweet smelling, caramel and coffee from the frappuccino you had shared early on.

“If you change your mind and feel like stopping, you will have to tell me, alright?”

“Alright.”

“Alright,” he echoed.

Jongseong found your lips as easily as he always did: a pinch against your bottom lip that made you sigh into him, mouths parted together, lips slotting in the same rhythm that never failed to make you melt against him. But the familiarity of the act ended there. Soon enough, he was licking over you, deeper, messier — needier. His thumb pressed on the corner of your mouth, keeping you all open and nice for him, and if it wasn’t enough to make you whine, clutching your hands on his clothes when he shifted beneath you, pressing the solid length of himself against you was.

He cursed when you grind against him, a gasp for air, that made you part away. But Jongseong didn’t do anything to stop you. Instead, he tightened his grip on your hair as he rolled against you too, desire swirling through his eyes as he looked at where your skin met his denim jeans.

His hand left the purchase of your hair only to roam up your sides, taking the hem of your top, lifting it from around your waist, and up through your head. You could swear you felt all the callousness at his hands, the impact of all the time he spent playing with his guitars and you shiver with the roughness.

For a moment, you sat there looking at each other, his hands on your bare back, and then his forehead landed on your collarbone with a gentle thud, drawing the tip of his nose along the swell of your breasts.

“You are so pretty,” he said, and your breath caught like he hadn’t called you that before, but you couldn’t think much about the compliment because Jongseong was already pulling one of your nipples into his mouth, sucking it to a solid point, and making your back arch, eyes fluttering to the ceiling. The act alone was so pleasurable that a desperate sound escaped through before you couldn’t even notice it, and he took it as an incentive to move to your other nipple, his tongue drawing a faint line into your chest.

“Jay, I-,” you began, his name coming so breathy and timid. He couldn’t help but groan into you. He never had heard your voice so full of wishes like this. And maybe that was exactly what broke him.

He was really going to eat you alive.

“Bend over for me,” he said, abruptly and all at once letting you go.

You blinked, his words meeting a deadlock between your ears and brain, and it immediately made him chuckle.

“Are you already having second thoughts?” he asked. Condescension dripped from him, words liquid, and sticky. He ran the back of his knuckles down through your cheek, his thumb dragging over your lips before he pushed it at your mouth. It was a mild thing that barely had your lips part for him, but you opened your mouth anyway, allowing him to press the digit against your tongue.

“Bend over,” he tried again, his voice lower this time, demanding. And that’s what made you move, turning on the mattress. Hands and knees pushed to the sheets of his bed. Your skirt gathered at the curve of your hips with your new position, pooling in the cradle there and leaving only your panties to cover you, lacy trims, and a color that contracted way too prettily with your skin.

You couldn’t see Jongseong, couldn’t guess what he was doing, but you felt him moving into the space between your calves, hands promptly finding your hips as his knees pushed at your own, spreading them further before he hummed, an appreciative sound that made you burn.

“So fucking cute,” he said. And you weren’t sure how you could look cute in this position, but you didn’t retort — you couldn’t retort. Jongseong was already grazing a palm down to you, rolling over the bare expanse of the back of your thigh, and when he retreated, it came as a smack.

You sobbed with the act, a perhaps too-hurting sound because Jongseong stopped, palm spreading on you again, but this time caressing the reddish skin.

“Are you alright?” he asked, hushed and sweltering with tenderness. All the teasing suddenly forgotten and turned into concern.

And God, you loved him.

“I am,” you declared, but he didn’t go back to his doings.

“Are you sure?”

“Jay,” you whined.

“Ok, I got you,” he whispered, the words coming more like a tight exhale. “You know I got you.”

“I always do everything you ask me to, don’t I?” he asked, fingers flirting with the laced trim of your panties, and you almost expected him to pull the piece down, over your legs, and to the mattress with no ado. But instead, Jongseong swiped over it, barely there touches that didn’t even part you beneath the cotton, yet it was enough to make you falter, your hands trembling against his sheets.

It was maddening, the soft lilt of his fingers, teasing, gentle, earnest all at once.

You wanted to cry when he pressed a little bit harder, his middle finger nudging up against your entrance and making the cotton grow damp beneath the tip of his fingers, clinging to you and giving him the outline of everything.

You were sure you did cry when he finally pulled your panties aside, slipping a single finger inside and making you clench around him, a tight hold that got him swearing when you moved backward, chasing for more. He pulled you into him, his free hand grabbing at your hips so tightly you were sure he was leaving a mark — you wanted him to leave a mark.

He could tell you weren’t holding back anymore, whines tumbling from your lips when he slid another finger in, pushing it all the way in before he moved it back, skin coming glinting from you.

And his mind slipped away.

He wasn’t sure anymore of what to do anymore, fuck you on his fingers, or turn you around, pull his aching length on you like you both were used to. So he did the easier one. Pushing his fingers in and out, squelching sounds filling the room altogether with your moans.

You could feel your body coiling tighter and tighter around him, and if it was already hard to breathe, he made it almost impossible when he decided to hold onto your neck instead, setting his free hand against your hot skin, thumb stroking down the column of it as his palms curled nicely, tilting your head back so when he leaned on you, his lips met ears.

“See?” he cooed. “I always give what my spoiled baby wants.”

You were sure you gasped his name, eyes fluttering closed as you felt your orgasm crashing through your body, easing it and giving all your weight for Jongseong to take.

He shifted you easily through the mattress, manhandling you back onto his mattress in the bare second you took to open your eyes, blinking at the new light a few times before you could take the image of him moving in between your legs, pushing his fingers into his mouth. His tongue wrapped around it, licking over the pads, and most definitely tasting you. You watched as his chest rumbling with a groan before he let it go with a dirty pop.

Your cheeks grew a tone darker and he knew — he couldn’t last much longer if he kept up with it. Straining in his jeans like a teenager. So he was pulling off his shirt, hands gripping the back of his collar to rip it over his head and join the rest of your clothing. He popped the button of his jeans and slipped it down with his boxers. The sight of him all red and dirty with precum made it impossible for you to not reach for him, but he stopped you mid-motion, fingers curling around your wrist as he brought it above your head and into the mattress.

“C’mon, baby, leave everything to me,” Jongseong said, and you were way beyond rational thoughts to retort, doing whatever he wanted and allowing his fingers to curl at your skirt — at laced trim of your panties, hands almost adoring as he dragged the last clothing down over your legs before his lips were on you again, tongue pressing against yours, and still tasting like you.

You folded your legs around his waist, thighs clenching around him, squeezing him almost unconsciously as he crowded into you, hands reaching towards yours again, quickly interlocking your fingers as he held himself over and into you.

He hissed, looking down between your bodies, eyes glazed as he watched how you fit together, not being able to help but clutch at your fingers.

“You’re so pretty,” he said. His voice had dropped that teasing tone once again, sounding so genuine it made your chest ache and you were suddenly back to being desperate as you clutched back into him, fingers twisting almost painfully against each other.

“Are you sure-” he started, but he didn’t need to finish it for you to know. You already had heard the concern in his voice so you only reached for him, pressing a kiss over his mouth, his jaw, catching his birthmark with a tenderness that didn’t match the words that followed.

“Just fuck me, Park Jongseong,” you said, and you weren’t sure if he had laughed, cried, or simply huffed air past his lips, but his hips were suddenly moving with the impatience and greed he had repressed through all those months of whispered teases.

It was fast, messy — dirty slides in and out of you, the sounds of how wet he’d made you filling his bedroom and making him groan a little bit too loud.

He came when you did, as defenseless and relinquished as he could be, pulling away almost as if it broke him to let you go.

You weren’t sure when the sun had finished settling, but when Jongseong collapsed down beside you, reaching out and curling his arms around you once again, bringing you closer to him and kissing your temple, his room was already dark, the white light of street lamps illuminating him together with the movie still rolling instead.

“Curiosity ceased?” he asked.

“I am not sure. We might have to try another day for me to give you a concrete reply,” you said. “You haven’t pinned me against a wall still.”

He laughed then, a burst of sound whistling through the room.

“You are so cute,” he said. “I could eat you alive.”

[straykeedz]

currently having a chan brainrot like i usually do but this time its a breeding kink and i want him to get me pregnant so bad (not actually i promise) this is becoming a problem i swear

you’re sooo real for this anon 😩 us being in a chan brainrot 🤝 also sorry if this is pretty bad but i started writing it on the bus omw to my exam fhdjdk

breeding kink with chan

tw: afab!reader. mentions of contraception and a hypothetical future pregnancy. breeding kink. unprotected piv sex (reader is on the pill but still - don’t do this at home!!!). creampie. just soft sex with chan that at some point turns kinda rough. but they’re very much in love!!

─── ⋆⋅♡ ⋅⋆ ──

From the moment he sinks into you, he’s completely and utterly surrounded by you - your scent, your essence, your warmth, your wetness, your everything. This time, he gets to feel even more - he gets to feel you properly, without the barrier of the condom between your bodies. 

“Oh my fucking- baby. Baby, I’m- this feels amazing,” he pants, squeezing his eyes shut in pleasure as he keeps pushing the rest of his length inside of you.

You’re not that reckless, though - you’re on birth control. You just happen to have run out condoms for the first time in over two years of dating and, since the both of you are clean of course, you didn’t mind doing it without one.

And boy, is Chan right - it feels amazing. You can feel every inch of his cock perfectly - every vein, every twitch and throb inside of you. 

You have talked about this beforehand - he knows he has to pull out. Sure, you’re on birth control, but even if it’s only a very small percentage, it doesn’t mean the risks aren’t there, and you both know you’re not ready for a child right now.

“You feel so good Channie.” He positively melts whenever you call him that - Channie. It makes him feel so safe and so loved and taken care of. “Move, please. I need to feel you.” 

Chan lets out a squeaky giggle. “Baby. Baby, be patient, ah. I’m, like, three seconds away from finishing.”

Oh. 

It really feels that good for him? Is it really that different? Judging by the pained expression plastered on his face, it is. You pull him closer, crashing your lips on his. Why did the thought of him finishing inside of you turn you on so much? 

“Baby. Stop clenching,” he whines pathetically. “I swear I’m not even kidding, I’m so close already.” 

You didn’t even realise you were clenching around him - trying to pull him closer, trying to feel more of him, feel him deeper inside of you with the tip of his pretty cock about an inch away from your cervix, judging by the feeling. 

“Don’t… want this to last. It feels so good. Don’t cum.” 

Chan simply chuckles, kissing your cheek. “Of course I’m not gonna cum inside. We talked about it.” 

This time you’re well aware you’re clenching around him once again. You can’t help it, though.

“You’ve got to seriously stop doing that, though,” Chan whines, pulling slightly out of you just in case. 

“I’m sorry. I’m not doing it on purpose, I swear. It’s just… a natural reflex?” 

Your confession seems to pique Chan’s interest. He smirks, eyebrows raised so that they’re camouflaged in his dark curls. “Oh? Does it turn you on? The thought of me finishing inside of you?”

You clench again. Chan, who at first thought you were just messing with him, is surprised by your reaction. He can see you’re not faking it and that you’re really enjoying it. It awakens something inside of him, a primal need he didn’t know it was there in the first place. He decides to indulge you in your own sexual fantasy - which, ironically enough, is also his.

When he begins to move inside of you, he does it while looking into your eyes, holding your head still by the chin. “Look at me. Fuck- you want my cum? You want it inside your pussy?”

You nod weakly, you can’t really move your head with his hand keeping you in place. It’s hot. 

“I need words. Tell me you want my cum.”

“I need your cum,” you wail pathetically, desperately. 

He fucks into you slowly. His eyes squeeze shut with each thrusts as he savours the feeling of you tightly wrapped around him. 

“Yeah? You need it?” He naps his hips faster, crashing with yours repeatedly. 

“I do. Chan, I do.” 

He grunts and pants and sighs and whines as he fucks you with a desperation he’s never showed before. 

“You really wanna get knocked up, huh? Wan’ me to fill your pretty pussy. You want everyone to know you belong to me, yeah?”

His words shouldn’t make you this wet. 

“Chan-“

“You want me to… fucking fill you up and- and make you a mommy, yeah?” He breaks the eye-contact just to look at where your bodies meet, at where he’s entering you repeatedly, fucking you hard and fast. “God, baby, you take me so well. Look at that.” 

He moves your chin so that now you too are looking at where his fat cock disappears inside of you.  

“Wish I could do it for real. Wish I could cum inside… watch it leak out of you once I’m finished pumping you full,” he mumbles absentmindedly. “Bet you’d look so good.” 

The more you think about it, the more he talks about it, the more you want it.

“Chan. Chris. Channie,” you whine, still watching mesmerised the way he pumps in and out of you swiftly. “Do it. Do it, baby.” 

“Wha-, uh, what?”

“Cum inside.” 

“But we agreed-“

“I know what we agreed on,” you breathe. “But I changed my mind. I want this. I want to feel you, feel more. Do you?”

He does. And he can see it in your eyes that you’re sure. 

“Fuck, alright,” he keeps thrusting inside of you, suddenly much closer to reaching his high. “Alright. We’re really doing it. You’re gonna let me fill you up. You’re really gonna let me put a baby inside of you, huh?” 

You can’t think straight anymore. You nod weakly, it’s all you can do now. He hooks his arm under your knee, his other hand still grabbing you by the chin. His penetrating gaze fixed on you. 

“Gotta be as deep as possible, baby. Gotta make sure it takes.” 

“Channie,” you cry out.

“Look at me,” he begs, sending you’re about to finish as well. “Look at me when I fill you up with my cum, baby.”

When he finishes inside of you, his grip on your chin tightens but not as much as to hurt you, just to keep your head in place as his eyes stare into your soul. He looks ethereal - plump lips parted as a series of whimpers falls from his mouth. He looks into your eyes as he cums, cock buried deep inside your walls, filling you up with his warmth, which pushes you off the edge as well as you cum around him with a loud whine. His body collapses on yours, completely spent.

“Mine,” he mumbles pecking your cheek and nuzzling it. You play with his soft hair, now a bit damp and sticky with sweat. “You’re mine, yeah?”  

“I’m yours.”

─── ⋆⋅♡ ⋅⋆ ──

-> reblog if you like my works. feedback is everything to me and motivates me to write more!

[covidsafehotties]

Published Jan 27, 2024

The covid-is-just-a-cold myth has made its way deep into society.

I've certainly heard it from friends and family. 

You probably have too.

Some experts have pushed this line because the virus that causes covid - Sarscov2 - is a coronavirus, and some other coronaviruses cause colds.

This is an incredibly bad simplification. It is unscientific. It is dangerous. And it is doing real harm to people’s ability to understand what covid is and why they should do more to avoid it.

The science of this is so important, so I’ve decided to revise and update an article I wrote about this last summer, drawing on the latest research.

But before we get to the science.

I’ve said it many times before, and it bears repeating again and again: most people didn’t wake up one day and decide to think about covid like a cold. People didn’t go from being happy to isolate, test, mask, lock down, to being chill about coexisting with this virus.

The normalising process wasn’t organic, it was engineered.

[lesbiannieism]

one of my favorite things about dead boy detectives is that it doesn’t take its monsters too seriously because the monsters themselves aren’t the scary part - it’s the symbolism, the things they represent, that are truly scary. yeah, teeth face and the sprites and the demon that apologized for dragging edwin to hell are goofy because they’re not what we’re meant to be scared of. the real horrors are parental abuse, internalized homophobia, xenophobia, bullying, abuse relationships, stalking… i could go on and on. anyway this show is brilliant and i need 20 more seasons of it please and thank you

[iceghosto]

Took a bit of an easy day after two weeks of crunch so I made this real quick! Its hard to be cheap when all your friends are making really cool stuff. haha

[headspace-hotel]

I hate a lot of trends in climate-change-aware nature writing, but this is one I particularly detest: works insisting that we live in a "post-natural" world.

The lostness, bewilderment, aching, and searching in this piece is understood by the author to be an all-consuming and universal dysphoria, when it is actually a highly specific predicament that the author put himself into: He tried to understand the universe exclusively through the point of view of white people.

I mean that Purdy takes the colonizer point of view without realizing that it is a colonizer point of view. He thinks the colonizer point of view is a universal document of the authentic, naive encounter of "humanity" with "nature," instead of burning wreckage left over from the apocalyptic destruction of a rainbow of ideas and cultures.

It feels weird to be talking about this as a white person, but it shouldn't, any more than it should feel weird to say (as a white person) that aliens didn't build the pyramids.

Very little of what he's writing about would exist or make sense without European colonization of the world. Purdy constantly says "we" and "our" in reference to things that are very restricted to a particular cultural point of view, as if totally oblivious to the idea that other cultures and other perspectives even exist. When he searches for historical references to chart "human" relationship with nature, history goes like this: Pre-Christian religion in the British Isles->British monarchy-> George Washington-> Industrial Revolution->Thoreau.

He manages to repeatedly stumble over giant hunks of colonialism embedded in every concept he's thinking about, like boulders obstructing a pathway, and pretends so hard that they don't exist that his points are janky and meandering. For example, his discussion of Helen Macdonald's book H for Hawk, touching upon human identification with the landscape and with non-human "nature," blunders into this:

Those who love (certain parts of) nature are often making a point of preferring it to (certain kinds of) human beings. The problem is not only literary. Macdonald describes an encounter with a retired couple who join her in admiring a valley full of deer, then remark how good it is to see “a real bit of Old England still left, despite all these immigrants coming in.” She does not reply, but is miserable afterward. The meaning of landscapes is always someone’s meaning in particular. Confronted with all of this, Macdonald tries to shake off the complicities of her own identification with the terrain: “I wish that we would not fight for landscapes that remind us of who we think we are. I wish we would fight, instead, for landscapes buzzing and glowing with life in all its variousness.” The alternative that Macdonald wishes for is, of course, not an escape from political-cultural projection onto landscape, but another approach to that same practice — really, the only one a 21st-century cosmopolitan is likely to feel comfortable embracing. 

AND THEN HE JUST SEGUES INTO THE NEXT POINT LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED. Like don't worry about it :) We will simply project onto landscapes in a non-racist way :) because we aren't racist anymore in the 21st century :)

The next book he discusses is Landmarks by Robert MacFarlane, which is basically about how the vocabulary of landscape in English is sterilized and monoculturized, and contrasts that with Scots Gaelic. This is how Purdy explains the thesis of the book:

 Our sense of what lies outside ourselves has been blunted by “capital, apathy, and urbanization” — enemies likely to draw a range of friends, from cultural Marxists to Little Englanders to those who would like to see a bit more effort, please. But behind this scholarly sketch, Macfarlane’s work is testament to a pretheoretical obsession with unfamiliar ways of encountering places. We disenchanted and distracted (post)moderns describe terrain, he complains, in terms of “large, generic units” such as “field,” “hill,” “valley,” and “wood." (...) Many people who have lived intimately with landscapes have had words for nuances of form, texture, and use. Macfarlane’s purpose in Landmarksis to gather these words as proof of how precisely it is possible to name a place, and so, perforce, to know it.

Why is Gaelic endangered? Because of an effort to extinguish its speakers' culture. This article I found on it talks about the history of the language's decline, and it's strikingly similar to what happened to indigenous people in the Americas and Australia, with children being put in schools where they were beaten with sticks for speaking their native language.

This whole essay is about Purdy's general disappointment with nature writing, his craving for an ineffable Something, some sort of magical, primitive identification with the natural world. In the very first paragraph he claims that the pictures of animals on nursery walls are "totemic" and quotes a guy saying that zoos are an "epitaph" to the relationship between people and animals. It's never very clear what he means, but he uses the term "animism" repeatedly, such as when he says this about MacFarlane's goal in writing Landmarks:

His quarry is an animistic sense that Barry Lopez once identified in “the moment when the thing — the hill, the tarn . . . ceases to be a thing, and becomes something that knows we are there."

Given that ambition, Landmarks, which Macfarlane calls a “counter-desecration phrasebook,” can be disappointingly thin as a lexicon. Too many of the terms are simply dialect or Gaelic for some generic form, such as “slope,” “hilltop,” “stream,” or “tuft of grass.” The effect is less pointing out how many things there are to see than cataloguing how many names there are for the same thing.

This is Purdy missing the point, perfectly crystallized as though frozen in amber. He is oblivious to the clear subtext of a language showing a culture's connection to its home, and of the violence against that culture. The Gaelic language doesn't make him feel primal and mystical the way he wants it to, therefore it doesn't mean anything to him. MacFarlane doesn't make him feel a magic animistic connection to nature, therefore his book must have failed at its task.

Who gives a shit? Gaelic isn't FOR you.

He discusses another book about a guy that hikes a bunch of Cherokee trails, but I don't know what to say about that one, observing it through the sludge of the reviewer's unwillingness to recognize that historical context exists. He summarizes his disappointment in a confusing way, using the Gaelic language as a symbol for an obscure and inaccessible place where the answer to your personal emotional cravings lives (???) Then he talks about a kind of epistemicide, or extinction of knowing, of nature, but again, totally oblivious to any relationship to colonization.

Every inhabited continent has been denuded of ecosystems and species. Most North American places have shed wolves, elk, moose, brown bears, panthers, bison, and a variety of fish and wild plants, which were all abundant four hundred years ago. 

Wow, I wonder what happened four hundred years ago?

This writing acts like the dominant Eurocentric attitude towards the world is universal, but the author is haunted by this nameless specter of the possibility of a different way of thinking, which he treats as some kind of mystical, primordial state hidden in the past instead of just a different cultural perspective.

Not only does he not recognize that his own cultural perspective of Nature is dysfunctional and unsatisfying because it was created by exploitation and genocide of other cultures and their symbiotic relationships, he acts like other perspectives don't exist. Take his perspective on forests and the mycorrhizal network:

Wohlleben’s emphasis on interdependence and mutual aid is part of a recent tendency to recast nature in an egalitarian fashion — as cooperative, nonindividualist, and, often enough, hybrid and queer, in contrast to the oaks of generals and kings. Nature does answer faithfully to the imaginative imperatives and limitations of its observers, so it was inevitable that after centuries of viewing forests as kingdoms, then as factories (and, along the way, as cathedrals for Romantic sentiment), the 21st century would discover a networked information system under the leaves and humus, what Wohlleben calls, with an impressive lack of embarrassment, a “wood wide web.”

Listen, I don't think this is accurate to how Europeans thought of forests throughout time, let alone "humanity" in general. The emphasis of power and competition in ecosystems emerged after Darwin, in collusion with capitalism and "race science." Trees have been symbols of life, wisdom and selflessness, and regarded as sacred or even sentient, for centuries before that. But on top of that, this is just blatantly pretending that only white people's ideas count as ideas.

It's the same dreck as all the other "literary" writing about climate change: self-pityingly and unproductively mourning "Nature" and a fantasized "wild" state of the Earth, ignoring colonialism, treating human influence of any kind on other life forms as something that either destroys them or makes them soft and "tame."

I'm tired of reading nature writing from people that obviously do not go outside, or if they do, they do it in such a suffocatingly regimented, goal-oriented way that they can't just sit outside and relax.

Maybe I shouldn't be such a hater if I want to do nature writing. But my love of nature is WHY I am a hater.

[howtofightwrite]

Most traditional boxing instructors will tell you that if the opponent is taller than you, has longer arms than you, or is heavier than you, you're fucked and you need to stay extremely aware and work really hard to compensate for all the advantage he has over you.

In a recent forensic survey, it was determined that most traditional boxing instructors who get into real world altercations die when they're shot in the head.

This is the problem with a lot of these kinds of arguments. No one practices traditional boxing. At least, no one does so publicly. How do I know this? Because traditionally boxers fought in the nude. Yeah, we're not seeing that, are we? Now, maybe they meant bare knuckle boxing, but really no one does that either, these days. Boxing without safety equipment is not a particularly good idea, for fairly obvious reasons.

The only reason the word, “traditional,” is in the ask is to lend their statement unearned credibility. It's an attempt to make their statement sound more authoritative, without offering any evidence to support the statement.

Who said that?

“Traditional people did.”

Okay, but, 'traditionally,' people cleaned shit off their ass with a stick. So, maybe appealing to Hellenic sports isn't the best gauge of how a fight will play out.

Also, I know I just said it, but, who are these authoritative sports guys? Because they're not named. We're simply told, “most,” of them agree. Which starts to sound a lot like “four out of five dentists agree.” Who are these instructors? What do they teach? Why are the currently in prison for indecent exposure? And how much did you pay them to get their uninformed opinion? Salient questions which may need to be answered, if the original question wasn't invalid on its face.

Why do I say it's invalid?

Because boxing isn't fighting.

Boxing is a sport.

Boxing has rules.

Kick your opponent in the groin, or shin, and you're punished.

Step on their foot, push them, and watch them tumble to the ground before you start stomping on them, and you'll be punished.

Throwing your opponent will be punished.

And of course, as mentioned at the top, pulling out a gun and expanding your opponent's mental horizons is extremely frowned upon.

These are all things that can happen in a real fight.

These are all things that do not benefit from increased height or reach.

There is one genuinely accurate statement. In a fight, you do need to be very aware of what's going on around you. Everything else is the product of someone who's been punched in the head repeatedly until the CTEs got them thinking that boxing is analogous to a real fight in any way. (And, statistically, will probably end their career sitting in a jail cell over an aggravated assault charge, because their emotional self-control was completely destroyed by those same head injuries.)

The rules that boxers need to follow are designed to (somewhat) protect the participants. It reduces the dangers of a boxer being killed in the ring. In an observation that I would hope to be self-evident, those rules don't exist in actual combat.

It's also amusing, because the original Asker had to go so far as to single out an ill-defined, “traditional” boxing, because no other martial art they checked gave them the soundbite they wanted.

And, of course, women box. Historically, you could say, “traditionally,” there were even boxing matches between men and women. It wasn't until the 1880s that women were excluded from competitive boxing in the UK. (I'm not sure of the exact date when women were banned from boxing in the US, though that prohibition lasted for less than a century, before the modern return of women to the sport.)

So, either these “traditional instructors” don't know the history of their own sport... which doesn't sound particularly “traditional” to me, or they're full of shit.

My advice to everyone would be, maybe, don't take the advice of a sports coach about how he's secretly an absolute badass in all the delusional fantasies he's cooked up about how he'd like to inflict violence on others because they wouldn't date him.

-Starke

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