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rogue-durin-16 · 4 years

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THINGS NEVER GO AS PLANNED (Part II/VII)

"candy floss"

Summary: After Fred's death, George and Y/n lean on each other to carry on. This wasn't the most brilliant idea, though; George was pretty much in love with the girl, and Y/n— well, she had been dating Fred prior to the Battle of Hogwarts.

Pairing: George Weasley x Reader

Genre: angst

Tags:

Suggested by: @crispykittywitch

Things never go as planned: @sarcasticallywitty15 @beautyschoo1dropout @s1ut4georgeweasley @leovaldez37 @missmulti @weasleywh0r3s

Permanent taglist: @elia-the-bibliophile @randomparanoid @karlthecat15722 @thebutchersdaughtersblog

Warnings: grief, feels, brief mention of Fred x Reader ig?

A/N: I decided to name the parts bc why the fuck not so keep an eye on the titles 👀. This story is based off this convo and these headcanons. If you wanna be tagged in the next parts tell me, and enjoy <3

Prologue :the aftermath

Part I : sleepless nights

Part III: shock therapy

Part IV: wrong name

Part V: the perfect excuse

Part VI: the downfall

Part VII: apart

Epilogue: I still love you

Rogue-durin-16 masterlist

The moment the last group of customers decided it was time to call it a day and exited the shop, I left the till counter and grabbed my wand from my pocket, instantly turning the sign in the door so it could be read from outside 'closed'.

A sigh escaped my lips as I leaned against the multicolored wooden rail.

I was drained.

The shop helped our minds to get distracted and stray from the grief, yes, but it was also exhausting.

We had been subconsciously overworking ourselves to the point where it was borderline self-destructive.

It didn't help that I was throwing myself into comforting George, either. I could not be blamed for doing that, though; he was broken.

A part of me, the rational one, knew he would pick up the pieces and build himself up again, it would just take a lot of time.

There was another part of me, though, that depressed, drained part, that was beginning to think he would never heal by himself —maybe he wouldn't heal at all— but still held onto the hope that, if I tried hard enough, I would be able to mend what had been broken in him.

A terrible idea, really, because I started to dismiss in its entirety my own miserable, damaged state.

And George, ever the caring, sensible one, would have noticed that; he would have made me realize I was not doing nearly as well as I thought, he would have talked some sense into me, but he wouldn't— he couldn't, because George was lost in an ocean of grief, trying so hard not to drown that he wasn't able to notice I was trying to aid him from my very own sinking boat.

It also seemed to be working; he was more animated, slept more soundly, and his smile was a bit brighter even —at least the one he had for me.

"Rough day?" My eyes, which I didn't know I had closed, fluttered open at George's voice.

"Very."

He walked to me with a tinge of guilt in his face. "You know we can switch places, right?" I had been working as the public face of the shop since we had reopened, and George had taken on the task of doing the paperwork and shippings instead, showing up from time to time to help me and to let people know there was still a Weasley running the business.

I had been the one to suggest this, since I knew George had compromised with reopening only because of me, and he was clearly not ready to put up a sociable, positive attitude for dozens of people every day.

"Nah, it's fine like this." I assured him with a reassuring smile.

He measured me with his eyes for a second; I couldn't really tell if he saw through me or not. "So I was preparing the today's shippings," he rocked a tiny purple basket I quickly recognised in front of me. "I found this in the back of the stockroom."

"Are those—?"

"Candy floss cupcakes, yes." A year and a half ago we had bought five baskets of candy floss cupcakes from Honeydukes per George's request in order to unsuccessfully try and implement them.

"Are they even edible anymore?" I couldn't help but laugh.

"I hope so?" He chuckled too, tearing the film covering the sweets. "Thought we might as well finish them."

My eyes travelled from the basket to him and viceversa before stating, "well I'm hungry so..."

"Same here." He was the first one to pull out a pastel colored cupcake, though he handed it to me. "Wanna get food poisoning together?" Laughing, I gave him a nod as he grabbed his own cupcake. "At the count of three?"

"One"

"Two"

"Three." We said in unison right before taking a bite of our respective madeleines.

I frowned at its surprisingly good flavour. "Am I delirious or are they actually edible?"

"Dunno," he shoved the rest of his cupcake into his mouth with a shrug. "maybe we're just starving."

"Go big or go home, I guess." I finished my cupcake before leaning on the basket to pick another one. My head snapped up with my brow quirked when I heard a soft chuckle. "What?"

"Nothing." George shook his head, motioning at the stairs. "Shall we sit down?" I followed his lead, sitting on the stairs and waiting for him, who had stepped towards the drinks aisle to grab a couple of juice bottles, to do the same.

We stayed there, eating and drinking in a comfortable silence until the basket was empty and our eyelids threatened to shut.

"I think we should head back to the flat." He spoke, leaving the half empty juice aside so he could stretch.

"I'm gonna learn how to cook." I stated, getting up. "We can't get by based on most likely expired sweets and whatever is in the Leaky Cauldron menu."

"Aight." He mimicked my actions, picking up the stuff we left on the stairs. "We will learn the basics tomorrow." He got behind me and began to gently push in the flat's direction. "But now we're gonna get some sleep, miss."

I would be lying if I said my heartbeat didn't pick up when his hands landed on my shoulder blades and made their way to rub both my arms reassuringly.

I would be lying if I denied I leaned back when he did that, letting myself get closer to his chest.

And I would definitely be lying if I said I didn't crave going back to my room so I could cuddle him all night.

One Week Later

"—right in the cauldron, love." I pointed at the cauldron besides me, giving a sweet smile to the kid in front of me, visibly going to be sick thanks to the free sample of Skiving Snackboxes.

"Y/n!" I spun around at the loud calling of my name above the shop's racket. I was able to discern a long, red mane flowing fast towards my position right on time for the owner to wrap her arms around me.

"Glad to see you too, Ginny." I laughed, trying not to lose balance due to her enthusiasm. "How come you're here?" I questioned, pulling away.

"We heard you were open." Harry walked up to me, appearing from behind the girl, "And thought we'd pay a visit to our friends, right?" Ginny nodded, looking around while Harry gave me a quick, yet comforting hug. "Where's George?"

I motioned up to the small office, redirecting the couple's eyes to the second floor. "Doing paperwork—AH!" I jolted when a pair of hands tickled my sides, my head snapping to see the towering ginger standing behind me. "Speaking of the devil."

"I thought I saw Gin through the window," George explained, his hands lingering on my waist for long enough to his sister to stare, before pulling Ginny into a tight hug. "And came down to check if she was distracting my employee."

"You got her all bored here, mate." Harry pointed out, a light joking tone in his voice.

"And you're the one supposed to help with that?" George rolled his eyes dramatically. "Pfft... What a world we live in." With the said, he gave the boy a side hug. I heard Harry murmur an 'We missed you' before they pulled away with a pat on the shoulder.

My gaze landed on the youngest Weasley, whose welled up eyes were trained on her older brother's half smile. I only averted my eyes and waited for her to discreetly wipe away the unspilled tears while Harry and George catched up.

By the letters she had sent me, I reckoned the last time she had been near George, he had been lifeless; seeing a glimpse of who was once one of the most cheerful, funny and charismatic people in her life, was probably poignant to Ginny.

I hadn't realized she had moved closer until I didn't hear her soft voice. "Thank you." I offered her a confused smile, though deep down I knew what she meant.

Two Days Later

George was having one of those days.

We both knew it was coming soon; it had to happen sooner rather than later, since he had been in a surprisingly good mood for almost a week. I suspected seeing Harry and Ginny had brought back the events of the Second of May.

I suggested to close the shop for the day, since he was unable to move out of bed; he refused to do so, but I convinced him to stay in the flat and rest —it was Tuesday, anyway; I wouldn't have to handle many customers.

Due to that, when I saw Hermione, Ron, Bill and Fleur entered the shop, it was understandable that I hadn't become the happiest person in the world.

I greeted them, there were hugs, kisses, and even a joke or two, and when Bill asked about George, I excused him without giving much detail.

They understood.

Fleur was the one to restart the conversation, lightening a bit before requesting a tour for the shop, since she had not yet been there.

It was when we reached the love potions that Hermione, using the fact that Fleur was very much interested in the product, held my hand and pulled me aside.

"So... how are you doing?" The frown in her face, the fact that she was whispering, the squeeze her hand gave mine, let me know she had read me the moment her eyes met mines.

I sighed with a shrug.

"You can tell me." Could I? "No one's asking you to put on a happy face, Y/n." The girl assured me, her eyes digging into mines. "It's not just George, we all lost—" she shook her head at her own words before correcting herself. "you lost him too."

I lost him too.

I bit my lower lip to stop it from quivering.

The memory of Fred's broken smile as his corpse laid on the stretcher, that memory that haunted my dreams, appeared vividly before my eyes.

My lips started to burn with the ghost of that kiss he gave me before we split up, him with Percy and me with George; it hadn't been meant to be a goodbye kiss. It was meant to be a good luck kiss.

I covered my mouth to muffle a sob, and Hermione's arms were quick to be wrapped around me, reassuringly rubbing my back.

GEORGE'S P. O. V.

I saw them entering from Y/n's balcony; I wasn't emotionally ready to face them all at the same time, but when I didn't see them exit, I figured Y/n hadn't been able to dismiss them.

I decided I owed to them all to bite the bullet, so I threw on a shirt and the first trousers I grabbed, cleaned up a bit and left the flat.

With a deep breath, I made it to the second floor and mentally prepared myself to go down to the first one.

As I began to climb down, though, I noticed Hermione and Y/n talking in private, closer than the others to the stairs.

I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but all my senses were automatically focused on Y/n whenever we were in the same room; she just stole me away from reality.

"You lost him too."

Hermione's words visibly triggered something on Y/n.

'Something', as if I didn't know what they had triggered, as if I didn't know what— who was on her mind.

I guess he was always on her mind, though.

What was left of my heart shattered in a million pieces when she broke down to tears —for several reasons—. "I miss him." She whispered in Hermione's shoulder. "I miss him so much."

If I had any tears left, I would have cried my eyes out right there. Had I been so selfish that I had disregarded how she was feeling? So blinded by the light and love and warmth she was constantly giving me that I had forgotten about her grief? Was I that bad of a person, that I would have rather live in the illusion that she had not lost the boy she was dating?

My mind told me I didn't want any of those questions answered.

"George!" As Ron yelled my name in surprise, Hermione and Y/n pulled away, the latter rubbing her eyes while both of my brothers jogged upstairs to hug me. "Ginny told us you're open—"

"But Y/n said you weren't feeling well." Bill finished, squeezing my shoulder. "We only stayed a little longer for Fleur to see the shop."

"Yeah, we'll come back tomorrow," Ron assured me. "So you can rest and..."

My brother's voice sounded further and further with each word; I felt myself drifting off, getting lost in my own mind and gravitating towards the same thought over and over.

She deserves better.

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2021ssajka · 3 years

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This month has been very challenging for me. (personal post below, you can read it)

From having plans to go back to the Philippines, to cancelling that plans all together. I initially wanted to go to the PH because I wanted this to be my gift for myself as I am graduating with 2 majors. I wanted to visit my family there and spend time with them, as well as my dad (sick).

My dad and I dont have the best relationship, so it has been even more challenging for me.

Ive been in America for 10 years now and this whole time Ive always wanted to go back and be with my family there since I love them very much and they are a big part of my life. Ive always imagined a nice vacation and going on trips with my cousins. Painting in my little terrace of my childhood home. basically reliving my old life when I was 12. I still kept that dream till now.

I am only now realizing that, that perception of the Philippines I had in my head is still the vision I had when I was 12. I am realizing now that its a fantasy and not the reality.

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This planning process for the Philippines was super last minute and impulsive, given the pandemic and me finding out my dads condition is not getting better. I booked a flight right away without any plans whatsoever. I was hoping it would be a spontaneous time where my family would bring me around to places and etc. I was even just fine with just staying home and just being in the company of my cousins that I missed so much.

Everyday since I booked that flight, there were complications and drama rising. My dad has becoming paranoid and his narcissistic ways are coming back and has been triggering me. We have been fighting a lot since then which turned into getting more people involved with this fight. Resulted with me having a major panic attack and meltdown that I do not want to go at all.

All the bad memories I had of him in my childhood came back. Everything was coming back to me- everything that I have burned at the back of my head and forgot about. I thought time has healed me but I was wrong. my past trauma came back and I felt like I was stuck into this trip without knowing what I signed up for.

I was not okay for many days. I felt like I was a helpless child he were able to control, manipulate and emotionally/mentally abuse again. I kept praying.

It was then that the Philippines announced that there were implying a travel ban on the day I booked a flight. I felt that this was God’s interfering in order to protect me from him

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This has been an eye opening experience for me.

Growing up in a traumatic household and moving to another country made me deal with things differently. I realized that me being overly positive and optimistic and being grateful for everything is a trauma response. Its a survival response.

At a young age, My body did not know how to process these traumatic events and emotions so I shutdown. Its like when you have an accident and your body go on emergency mode and you wont feel the pain. I think that is what my body went through. I remember a time when I was a kid and I was numb for a year. It was through art when I tried healing myself and holding on for hope.

for a long time- till now, everytime those events in my childhood are being talked about, i literally have a panic attack and I shut down. I cannot listen to it or talk about it without crying.

When I moved here. I started a new life. I had a clean slate and I tried to forget everything bad that has happened. Its like I cleared out all the bad memories and held onto the good things, thats why I had such a fixation in my childhood in the Philippines because after a while, I only believed that I had a good childhood there. (i didnt have a right grasp of my real past). This also explains the reason why I wanted to visit that place so bad- bc i can only remember the good things, and I had a breakdown when my bad past caught up to me because that no longer existed in my head.

This explains my fixation in my memories of the Philippines in my art work and why I use happy colors. I only saw that place as the “good place” when in reality there are many bad things happening in that country (not only in my personal life).

ive only realized these things now... 10 years later when everything came back to me as flashbacks when my trauma was triggered. and it explains everything in my life especially in my artworks. it explains why I do what I do and I have such empathy for myself because I realize that the artist in me is the kid in me 10 years ago.

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I realized that when I moved here, I viewed the Philippines as my ESCAPE. my safe haven, the place I would want to go back to and retire to since this was my home at the age of 14. I had such yearning for that familiarity when I was living in a foreign place that I developed such fantasy in that place.

I started painting when I was dealing through traumatic events in the Philippines, just when I was about to move here. I used to paint encouraging words in my art, having it as my sense of hope in those challenging times.

I guess that still lives on in my today. I still use my art as my sense of escape and I am only realizing that now. I have always mentioned that these landscapes are my “safe haven” and now I understand why. Ive always referred to my art as a “healing act” but i never really understood why.

I realized that my view of the Philippines is different from reality. I made this to be a romanticized place where I had a nice childhood in but that was not the whole story.

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This is why it is so hard for me to reference anything negative in my work. Ive always used my art as a positive act, to bring hope and encouragement. I still stand with that. I still resonate with my work and it is still valid. but now I see my work as two sided. Its not only that narrative but also the past that I have forgotten about.

I have always had trouble with my art classes because teachers would always push me to do negative emotions in my work- so not just positive but also the negative aspect of the full spectrum of emotions.

This has always been a difficult task for me because I dont want that. My body rejects it. I used art to heal and they would want me to express the nasty emotions here. now I understand why I react that way.

My mother is also a trauma survivor of my dad. So her, my sister and I share these experiences together. This also comes from an immigrant narrative who had nothing on her back when she came to this country, literally building herself up from dirt. My mom is the one who would always teach me to be grateful, to appreciate what we have and to be positive- to the point that thats all I did. to the point that it buried all the negative emotions and memories that I was not able to heal completely and is now still in that place.

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its a lot. its like I just found out a different past that I never knew of. but im so glad I figured this out now. Its like I finally have an explanation why I am who I am today. Everything is valid, there is a reason why dealt with that problem that way and I dont regret it.

Im just so glad I finally have answers. It just explains so much and im mindblown lol

I am not comfortable having this as a narrative of my work even if it is probably the main influence of the work i do. Im also not comfortable of talking about this personal story with other people and in my work.

I just refuse being an abuse survivor as my story... I am more than what I have been through... so im trying to figure that out.

I am now trying to know myself again, my full self.

Im excited to see how this changes my work hehe

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couldnt-think-of-a-funny-name · 7 years

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I’m still so exhausted from this kids show rehearsal yesterday I gotta type it out to deal omfg

- The guy in charge of sound and lighting used to do shows in this company with me so I’ve known him for like 7 years??? When I got there and said hi he immediately launched into this weird super-commanding tone and started very quickly explaining how to work the lights to me (like so fast I couldn’t keep up), before abruptly breaking off mid-sentence and saying in a quiet, high pitched voice, “Also hi I haven’t seen you in forever...” like Tom bud I know

- I was there in like the back of the theater for maybe 15 minutes before the director, across the entire room and on stage, spotted me and screamed “THERE SHE IS” loud enough that all the little kids jumped in fear. Before I could even contemplate trying to hide she’s yelling “THERE’S MY MOLLY GIRL” so loud she could have awoken the ancient and buried gods of old, and running off the stage towards me. Immediately after hugging me she was clearly trying to asses and judge all of my life choices, as if I wasn’t the only person helping out out of kindness that’s not getting paid. omfg

- One of the kids mom’s kept running around demanding to know where Horton was. I desperately tried to explain to her I didn’t know any Horton’s. She grew angrier with me every time I saw her.

- We eventually figured out she was looking for Steven, who played Horton the Elephant in Seussical, like, 4 years ago

-Also, Steven was wearing a dark red ‘vans’ shirt, red and black flannel pajama pants, and completely bright red shoes that looked like plastic. I supported him.

- Alarming number of 10-12 year old boys trying to flirt with me. Guess I can’t wear V-necks for the rest of the week

- One of the Older Teen Interns(tm) who I vaguely knew when he was like nine pulled a cane out of his ass and kept spinning it around to look cool while flirting with the Older Teen Intern Girls(tm) instead of, like, doing his job

- Fuck there were so many moms there and they kept glaring at me when I was trying to put mics on kids??? Lady listen I’m not feeling up your leprechaun spawn he didn’t know how to hide the mic pack jfc

- Back in my day(tm) I had to run offstage yelling “SOMEONE STRIP ME” while three different older people of varying genders ripped clothes and mic packs off my body. You can handle me telling your kid to take his jacket off while I try to clip something to his pants oh my GOD

- The kid playing Gaston is the best one in the show but he’s a TWIG and it’s hilarious. He’s got a really strong commanding voice for an 11 year old but every time he talks about how hot he is or strikes a muscle man pose Tom and I were fucking dying in the back

- I went and taped up the lists of mic switches and stuff in the dressing rooms and I thought everything was fine until like 40 minutes later when I was like “they’re like fourth graders they probably can’t see that high” omfg and I spent the rest of the day waiting for someone to complain about it so I could Die

- Holy shit one of the ensemble kids was this real sarcastic shit with long hair and he was lowkey trying to hard to be funny and I know it sounds mean but he was def the type of kid you look at and you’re like ‘you’re gonna become a stoner or a shooter there’s no in between’ omfg

- THE MICS WERE A P R O B L E M

- And I know shit always happens the first rehearsal and blah blah blah but this was RIDICULOUS I literally thought Tom was going to burst into flames

- And some point he just yelled “SCREW IT” and raced out of the room and came back a few minutes later and made everyone try the mics again. They were still a bit of a problem but working a lot better so I was like “what did you do?” and he went on this whole explanation about how he bypassed the theaters sound system and I’ll admit I don’t understand much of the technical stuff but his attitude and tone of voice seemed to imply he probably wasn’t allowed to do whatever he did lmao

- Seriously I swear one of those little shit head kids found out about the ‘M-word’ superstition and yelled it back stage. That’s the only explanation I can think of for why everything was fucked up

- Also I’m sorry but the kids...are terrible

- I really don’t wanna be mean like they’re kids I wanna give them the benefit of the doubt but even at one point Tom was like “...were we ever this bad?” and I had to be like “Tom we have video evidence proving we were never this bad? Save for Fame”

- Just...imagine 60 some little kids screeching an off tune version of the opening number for 3 hours. Imagine it. I lived it.

- Gaston, Potts and one other girl (forget who she’s playing) all have decent voices but the girls were SO QUIET SWEETHEARTS YOU GOTTA PROJECT

-IM THE SHIEST PERSON I KNOW BUT I STEP ON A STAGE AND YOU CAN DAMN WELL BE SURE PEOPLE ARE HEARING ME IN THE BACK ROW WHETHER IVE GOT A MIC OR NOT. P R O J E C T

- There were so many times when a song got really out of tune or messed up so I was like “That was a note...” and the poor music major Tom sitting next to me almost having to choke out “No it wasn’t” lol

- The set makes very little sense

- “Where’s their tony nom?”

- Oh gosh during the great Mic Death at some point this REALLY WEIRD SOUND got picked up it sounded like aliens were fucking aobut to blow us up everyone was freaking out because mics shouldn’t make that sound??? Like 10 minutes into this we realized it was the directors husband playing something on his phone o h m y G o d my dude did you not hear us yelling

- SPEAKING OF HIM I couldn’t actually do anything with the lights during rehearsal bc they weren’t locked in place yet??? So he drops off two wrenches at one point and is like “I’ll be back at five when this is done and then we can fix the lights” which is reasonable, right?

- Five o’clock. Five oh five. Five ten. Five twenty. Where’s Jimmy? Jimmy. We can’t do this without Jimmy. Where’s Jimmy? Why can’t you do the lights without him? Because that latter is 20 feet in the air and I’d rather risk your husbands life than my own. Jimmy, pick up your phone. Five thirty. Where’s Jimmy? Has anyone seen Jimmy? Is Jimmy even real any more? Did Jimmy ever exist? Did we all just hallucinate an old man who almost exclusively wears bike shorts? Jimmy, where are you. The lights Jimmy, you promised. This is just what Jimmy does, he just does this. Where’s Jimmy? Who’s Jimmy? Where’s Ji-

- That question is etched into my soul now

- He finally gets there and that was just. A whole production in itself. “DUDE you can’t hit the lights with the latter you’re messing up the light’s you just set. Jimmy. the LIGHTS. AIM IT TO YOUR LEFT. WE CANT MOVE THE LATTER LIKE THAT.” oh my God

- The kids didn’t even get through the first act of the show. Which I normally wouldn’t judge because LORD KNOWS, but like...this is the Junior version. There’s only like 5 or six scenes in each act and they’re all fairly short. omfg

- “Lights, hey, why isn’t Maurice’s sphere lighting up?” “That’s literally not our job? It’s a prop?”

- Oh my God so when the lighting board was explained to me at noon I understood abso-fucking-lutely NONE of it, I was so fucking confused, I was certain I was going to let the production down.

- We get to like 5:50 when we finally start working the lights and with no further explanation or reminder I KNEW. I WAS ONE WITH THE BOARD. I WAS IN CONTROL. I BECAME A GODDESS OF LIGHT.

-I also hadn’t slept or eaten all day so I was a little loopy at that point

- An adorable tiny girl ran back at one point and started gushing over how cool the light and sound jobs were and kept pressing buttons we were gonna CRY she was precious

- 7 years later, I’m still the ONLY person who doesn’t get cell reception in the theater. My phone became possessed before my very eyes and called like 3 people on it’s own accord.

- A mom was really mad everyone else had tickets already and she didn’t. “Ma’am, you didn’t buy any tickets.” “Well, I wanna buy some now.” “This isn’t the box office.” “Everyone else has tickets!” “Yes, because they bought them on ticket day or called the box office.” “So why can’t I get tickets now?” “THIS ISNT THE BOX OFFICE.” And then we found out the show is sold out. Oh boy.

I don’t predict surviving the week.

#rip #batb vagueblogging 2k17 #molly mumbles #this seems tame but trust me I'm gonna die #also I know I forgot shit in my sleep

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meulinthekittytroll · 7 years

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Rant af I'm sorry

Yunno I don’t know what my dads problem is with my boyfriend. He doesn’t like him, at all. And I honestly have no idea why. Maybe it’s because this is the only relationship he’s seen me in? I’m not sure But if my dad could have seen all my past relationships he’d understand why B is probably the only one I could ever want to be with. There were some major people who impacted my life in negative ways and I’m still recovering from them. I will point out the major ones First there was David. He tried to kill me once, and manipulated me and made my self esteem plummet. (Grade 3-7) Yes, I know, 3rd through 7th grade and he tried to KILL you? Are you over exaggerating? No I’m not lol. Then there was Devin. He was the first boy to cheat on me. Which made my self esteem plummet even further. He also was the first boy to treat me… like I wasn’t a person I guess?? I don’t know how to describe that one but it made me feel very inferior. (Grade 6) young I know but shoosh this shit can happen at any age if you let it happen. Then there was Max. We never actually dated, but he is still very important because oh boy I crushed on this boy HARD from 8th to 10th grade. He and I had a thing going on in 8th grade but never quite did anything about it which only made me like him more. Then 9th grade came along and we only got closer but still didn’t quite do anything. (I also had a boyfriend at that time that I’ll get to in JUST a second) Finally 10th grade came along and I FINALLY made a move, only to get shot down, HARD. That was partly my fault I suppose for being too scared to tell him my feelings earlier than that. But still, ouch ouch that hurt me a lot. Jacob, the boyfriend mentioned just a second ago, this was a long distance relationship. He was a couple years older than me and I had never met him in person, I dated him because I was extremely lonely. This lasted almost a year, but not quite. It started out really fun because I could lowkey flirt with Max but still have someone to go home to and text and get the feelings of love that Max didn’t give me, I know I know that’s borderline cheating but hey I was in 9th grade and I was stupid in love with Max and it was just a messy time in my life and Ive obviously learned from it and cheating is disgusting ugh……. ihatemyselfAAAAnyways, as the months rolled by, things slowly went downhill with this Jacob kid. He just was a downer. We both were depressed and got even sadder when we realized we couldn’t meet for a long time blah blah you get the point everything was a mess and he made me extremely unhappy, that was a very toxic relationship and I’m glad nothing ever became of it. I haven’t talked to him in almost a year, I hope he’s doing well. Also in 10th grade I developed this crush on this boy named Anthony and he was a dorky kind of cute, tall and scrawny but still muscly, I dug it. I flat out told him I liked him bc I didn’t want another Max situation and he seemed interested at first until he told one of his friends that doubled as my friend that he wasn’t interested so I obviously found out and got shot down again. Ouch! When that didn’t happen I started talking to a good friend I also met over the internet named Gavin and wowie did this boy make me feel wanted and loved. I had a brief thing with him previously but it never followed through, due to the fact that he was a dickbag and cheated on me and blamed it on some personality disorder where he needed more than one girlfriend to be satisfied *cough* bullshit *cough* but anyways, I tried it with him again the summer going into 11th grade c he was sooooooo sorry and loved me soooo much and wanted to marry me (gag!) anyways, things were good for a while but then he slowly stopped talking to me and cheated again and all this other shit and as my confidence in myself slowly went down the garbage disposal as it had been since like 4th grade, I finally told myself enough is enough and told him I was done with him. I told myself I was done with boys until the right one came along and treated me right. As a junior at a new school with no friends, I assumed it would take until junior year of COLLEGE to even consider boys again (besides possibly sleeping around once I got too tired of being a virgin kek) But yunno, life throws unexpected things at you. I remember the night so clearly. I went to bed finally content with being alone, not having to worry about any boy cheating on me or making me feel bad or putting me down constantly. Then, wouldn’t you know it, the NEXT FUCKIN DAY, this super duper cute boy I had seen a few times around school walked into my first period photography class. And I thought to myself “fuck.” Bc I immediately knew something would happen between us. This boy was he perfect mix of goofy, nerdy, and cute as fuck, with a hint of holy shit you’re SEXY. Exactly my type. Tall, dark, and handsome (a spongebob reference has never been more relatable) ((besides maybe “i’m surrounded my idiots”)) ANNYYYWAYS Me and this kid start talking bc I grew a pussy (not balls bc balls are sensitive and vaginas take a pounding) and gave the kid my Snapchat. That same day I reaaallly wanted a chance to talk to him so I posted a pic on my story of me and my dog havin’ a blast (rip Lily u will be missed ily thank you for being the reason the loml messaged me for the first time) anywho, HE MESSAGED ME FIRST AND WE STARTED TALKING AND SHIT bc he thought my dog was cute af (which she was!!!!) and we kept talking and talking and found we had so much in common and finallyyyy we admitted to each other we liked each other and started dating soon after and I’m spare you all the mushy details of how that came to be. Back to the reason why I started writing this little rant/story in the first place. My dad borderline hates the guy. But what my dad doesn’t understand (which is a lot but these next few sentences are important) Every single relationship I’ve had, was with a guy who has done nothing but lead me on, cheat on me, or abuse me (both physically (which only happened twice thank god) and mentally (which happened SO MUCH OH MY GOD it’s so much harder to catch that than actually getting physically abused) Yet, my current boyfriend…. we’re gonna call him B, bc his name is unique and I don’t want people knowing who I am if this ever gets read by someone who knows me and cares enough to read though all of this. B is the most beautiful person I have ever met, inside and out. He makes me feel important. He makes every day a blessing. When I first moved in with my dad in the beginning of 11th grade, I was a complete shut in. I hardly ever left my room besides to eat and bathe. After I met B, I started opening up and spending time with the family, and I made such amazing friends at school that I would have never talked to if it weren’t for him. B makes everything exciting. Of course we have had our fair share of bumps in the road, but ever healthy relationship does. And yunno what else healthy relationships do? They talked them through and fix the problems!!! B has made it so clear to me that I am worth all of the shit that goes on sometimes, and believe me I can be crazy so that is saying something. And oh boy is he a package deal too. He’s constantly got something going on, he’s quite frankly an idiot sometimes. But hey, he’s my idiot! I’ve never woken up and been happy about being alive since I was like 10, until B came around. B completely flipped my view of the world around. We tell each other this thing all the time because weird kinda opposites when it comes to certain things. He looks like the moon, but is the sun. And I look like the sun, but am the moon. He has dark hair and he’s got olive skin (very Italian looking) looking like a human version of the moon. But he has this optimistic view on life, the personality of the sun. Then there’s me; golden brown hair with fair skin, I look like the sun. But I’m kinda a pessimist, and I also am quite the night owl (he definitely isn’t!) personality of the moon. That might not make sense to you, but it does to us. I’m getting side tracked. The whole fuckin point is, I hadn’t felt true happiness since I was 10 until I met this guy. My dad says we aren’t going to last. My dad barely even lets me see him outside of school once a week, and when he does let me he always gives this disapproving scowl and scoff when I ask to see my boyfriend (who I have been with for well over a year now) once a week. Oh and by the way, he LIVES with his girlfriend who he’s only been dating a few more months than B and I have been. I wonder what he’d feel like if the roles were reversed. Yunno? Like he gets to see his gf every day and sleep next to her ever night, but the moment I want to see B, I get a scowl and a reluctant confirmation that I can see him on the day I asked to see him on. I’m sorry for all this rant and I know it’s probably all over the place but I just really really had to get it out because I don’t know why my dad is so unhappy with me being with a guy who makes me so happy. It’s not like B is a delinquent. He has two jobs (one is a photography business, he does really well with it actually he shoots for weddings and shit he’s an amazing photographer ((he only took the photography class at my school for the credit and to laugh at how low quality everything was at the school and how badly they taught it))) and he’s polite and respectful. My father truly has no reason to not like him, he has no idea how badly I’ve been treated up until I met B. B treats me better than anyone ever has, including my dad. Everyone else in my family loves him! Not nearly as much as I love the son of a bitch tho. I truly grew up from 3rd grade on getting belittled and cheated on and made to feel terrible, and if my dad knew that or understood it, maybe he wouldn’t hate the boy that made me happy to be alive again. Thank u for the ppl who took the time to read this through even tho I doubt anyone will do that bless u ilysm

#Tay rants #I'm sorry I love my boyfriend a lot he's really great #past relationship abuse?

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xo-caro · 7 years

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I never really post ever, but this was on my heart for awhile and today just really heated it up-the division, the in groups, the outgroups, oppression, depression, entitlement, hate, blaming, fear, unforgiveness, judging. Today I got in a wreck after just buying my first car on my own that I got last month so you can imagine my disappointment. What happened may have technically not my fault. The wreck, the car, that's not what really phased me. The lady who I wrecked with came up to me screaming and hateful and was very disrespectful and belligerent to me and the officer I called out. Last year I would have been angry and would have tried to argue back, so concerned with being 'in the right'. However, I was quiet, I was concerned if she was hurt, and as much as it killed me I tried to love the person we don't want to love the most in any situation. After all was said and done, I felt convicted. I cried after (I generally never cry) not because of the damage of the cars, not because of the wreck which is an upsetting situation. I cried because I realized how broken this world is. So what if something is your fault? I can very much relate to this because I lived my life way different than this before-always running from 'God', taking the weight of the world on my shoulders, cursed with unforgiving depression which almost led me give up and kill myself on many different occasions because no one understood or I could not put it into words-just sinking. Last summer I had enough-I lost all my friends and I lost everything-I was empty. I didn't understand why all the things society said would make me happy left me DRAINED and LIFELESS. One day last summer someone told me 'God loves you where you are RIGHT NOW' -like" hey Caroline!!! in this moment of you screwing everything up, doing drugs, hurting people, being a fake friend, being selfish, lying, leading people on, being different versions of yourself around different people, striving for the praise of MAN, and idenitfying yourself in men, alcohol,drugs etc--> you are loved." (One of my friends told me this who actually knew and saw all the horrible things I've done throughout my whole life) Next thing I know I'm walking in this nondenominational church, and was blown away by this church- like why is this pastor preaching sound like a motivational speech? And why are these people who are so REAL, so happy, purely genuine and have substance want to be MY friend? I think that also changed my life and my heart. When I was depressed I lived in my own world and now that I look back I realize it. I tried every single medicine- antidepressant, anti anxiety etc and drug/alcohol and doing everything everyone else was doing but I longed for more...but what more could there be? The only reason I'm writing this is because everyone needs to know what we're missing. They need to know that this is not the way- these lies of society- this law of MAN- the longing for the praise of man- this is deception. We are prideful. We are selfish and we judge people and we hate PEOPLE-NOT THE ACTION-we hate people when their sin 'looks worse' than our sin or when their wrong offends us. They are bad and written off. No- they are just as LOVED and VALUABLE as you are. What gave us the authority to be the judge of others? I know I got kind of on a tangent here but we need to wake up. Yeah its easy to hate people when they wrong us and love the person that's difficult to love because you don't know what's going on inside of them-only God knows that just like he knows more about you than you even do. I searched for truth in a a bunch of different 'spiritual crap' that also just turned out to be empty lies.- for goodness sakes I looked up astrology and those magic stones and all of that junk. But this is real. God is real and He loves you and wants you to love one another and he wants a relationship with you aka the part I was missing my whole life(psa and this is coming from someone who went to Catholic school, never had a relationship with God, got nothing out of it, was an atheist for a point in my life, lived a life of darkdepression with no rational explanation for almost 22 yrs of my lifeand tried to fill my cup living the 'fast life' and always turned up empty my whole life up until summer 2k16, im NOO saint, I understand, I've been there but I got tired so fast-I was walking around dead and truthfully the concept of God was my last resort-I thought I may as well call on Him and I literally said "ok God if you're really there, I'm dead inside, I do the things I hate and idk why but I can't stop and I'm in darkness still so if you're actually here for me now would be the time to lmk" and when I actually was open to that and had a little flame of belief that is when someone said something that stirred up whatever was inside the zombie tired body of mine). The day I saw the joy in my suffering(?how could anything good come out of suffering)- being depressed but realizing I was the way I was so I could UNDERSTAND others and MAYBE I can use my suffering and the hell ive been through to help others and see this in a different light-I figured out what my purpose in life was. When I look back out of the darkness I was SAVED FROM(which felt IMPOSSIBLE my whole life), there is no way I would ever go back to the way I was living-I just can't. So I will continue to love those who are the hardest to love. I will continue to be strong on what I know is the truth. I will try to use my love everyday to show people there is hope and help them see all the beauty in themselves that they can't see and are just seeking. I will pray that every one may experience this joy and true happiness in their heart and that the world will begin to change, and I will be patient and persevere. (I really feel like I needed to get this off my heart and share because I see so much brokenness, now that I'm healing I have just been given these eyes that really see). And about that accident, I will probably get writing her a letter just reminding her that she need not carry the weight of the world on her shoulders, highlight the blessing that we were both okay in the wreck, and tell her she is loved because she is one of those people that in the situation was hard to love, but thankfully the old Caroline(who would have yelled back, who cared so much about being in the right and who would have gone and gossiped about how aggravated I was and spread words that kill instead of being life (which I used to have a big problem with bc I admit I've done this a lot in my past)) within me is gone and I was able to see her with my heart. **sidenote- this song really makes sense of my life: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=EDAMzpJiXrI

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aquarianlights · 7 years

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I am the anon who asked about nexplanon. I thought it could trigger you, that's why I didn't go into details. I wanted to know if it stops your period or if you are still bleeding? Hope I've been more clear.

Gonna write out a fuckton of details, putting the important things in bold…and then put a completely bolded TL;DR at the end:

I really appreciate the not wanting to trigger me. I thought maybe that was why you didn’t go into detail. That is really respectful and I really appreciate it, but for future reference for you and anyone: If it is medical, scientific, or for educational purposes and does not reference my parts sexually or treat me or my parts as sexual objects and I still remain male in the eyes of whomever is asking me questions, I don’t mind explicit detail.

I really appreciate that, though.

As for the answer….It’s a little complicated.

This is my replacement nexplanon. I had one for three years prior to this one. I got my replacement one put in on 11/22/2017.

With my FIRST nexplanon…the first three years I had it…I didn’t bleed at all. The one and ONLY time I spotted (did not get a full period and did not get ANY associated symptoms…just simply spotted) was when living with my ex-girlfriend and her husband. My ex had VERY alpha-essque hormones. I spotted tiny, tiny bit when living with Chelle but it was so unnoticeable that I didn’t even have to use a pad.

It is completely normal for anyone with female parts that has nexplanon to actually get a full period (even with all the associated symptoms) for the first few months after insertion… And, IF I UNDERSTOOD MY NURSE RIGHT…..(I may not have, coz I’ve been in a total daze this past week+), it’s even possible for people with the appropriate female parts to have full periods with associated symptoms every month on time for the entirety of their time with nexplanon. But every single person I’ve talked to who has nexplanon said that’s really not a thing and their periods, if they got them AT ALL, went away almost immediately after the first few months.

I have a bleeding/clotting disorder that especially affects my periods (and is also something I have to alert tattoo artists to which is why a lot of my tats come out unfinished). When I got my first period at the age of…maybe 13? I was hospitalized because I clotted so badly and I almost bled out entirely. They suggested I take my uterus out immediately because this wasn’t something that was going to go away and I would need to be on a VERY STRONG BC for the rest of my life that either eliminated bleeding/clotting altogether or made it to where I bled/clotted like a normal person’s period, which would still be awful. ALSO, my periods last approximately 2 weeks, give or take a couple days each time. This is normal for my entire family on my mother’s side…it would put my mom and her mom and their mom before that and all my mom’s sisters out of work and out of school and stuff the entire time every month of their period. They didn’t have it as severe as me because they didn’t have the bleeding/clotting disorder to worry about. But they did have as severe cramping as I had that was as bad, if not worse, than labour pains (spoken from women in my family who have been through it, some multiple times). They DIDN’T have something that I didn’t get until my late teens, early 20′s…and on… until I got my nexplanon. The psychological effects of the period. Every single time I got my period, I would wind up in a hospital the day before I actually got it because of the most extreme and impulsive suicide attempts you can imagine. I have NEVER felt such extreme psychological instability as I have when on my period. It’s like…every single disorder I have gets amplified by a million and they all clash and I’m unable to control anything and suddenly my body and mind act on their own and I’m no longer in control and I black out and wake up in a hospital or while being dragged, kicking and screaming, down the hall by orderlies to the floor with a ward on it. The hallucinations, the BPD symptoms, the other schizo symptoms, the homicidal and suicidal symptoms usually being taken over by suicidal, the self harm urges, the inability to make decisions for myself, the panic attacks while all of this is happening, flashbacks to rapes and being in wards and being trapped and sex training and all sorts of different things that i cant remember, …the list goes on and on. ALL AT ONCE. I just wake up and get FLOODED with all of these things all at once and Killian shuts down and idk what or who takes over but whatever does instantly goes for the most dramatic, impulsive, instantaneous, shocking, grandiose, suicidal gesture you could ever imagine that always seems to be in public (lets break a glass mirror in public with your brass knuckles and slit our wrists and throat open with a huge shard where everyone can see, why don’t we!?) so I mean, you can only imagine how many times I’ve been thrown right on the ground by a cop and cuffed and taken in. This is usually the day BEFORE my period. Also, I starve on my period. I starve naturally coz I’m anorexic…but it takes willpower to starve during non-period times and times when I’m sober..During my period…I can’t eat anything coz I always feel nauseated, my two lower quadrants are always in such intense throbbing or stabbing pain that I’m writhing and screaming despite heating pads and normally a dilaudid or fentanyl drip at the hospital, the thought, smell, and visual effect of food makes me feel….full? Idk how to describe… It’s not nauseated. But it makes me feel so full that I couldn’t force myself to eat even if I wanted to. And since my period lasts a MINIMUM of two weeks, give or take a couple days, I usually end up on IV nutrients, too.

I’m explaining all of this because I’m needing to explain WHY it is so important that I chose nexplanon over…say…The Pill or an IUD or something. I’ve heard that the Depo Provera shot works for people who can’t handle nexplanon and vice versa. Well, when I tried the Depo Provera shot, I wound up having the effects of an anti-depressant on me…in other words, it made me so insatiably suicidal that I ended up in a ward within a couple hours of getting the shot. Depo worked HORRIBLY on me…I didn’t even get to see if it worked for any of my period symptoms coz it had to be flushed from my system entirely coz of the EXTREME psych effects it had on me.

But Nexplanon….Nexplanon was my saving grace.

Coz not only did I literally NEED the bleeding/clotting to stop….But I NEEDED ALMOST ALL of the associated symptoms to stop. I think the only things that weren’t either life threatening or debilitating were mild acne that happened very rarely each period (never really had to deal with acne in my life) and the bloating/water retention. Very specific, certain mood swings associated with periods were something not life threatening or debilitating either. Just…annoying and a total bitch to everyone around me hahahaha. I slayed with my words and popped off on anyone…Yikes. But it wasn’t like my BPD mood swings where 0 to 100 in less than a second on being euphoric and suicidal almost simultaneously.

I explained all of that because I need everyone to realize I chose nexplanon and not anything else because almost everything about my period (the bleeding/clotting AND almost ALL associated symptoms) were life threatening AND debilitating and had almost killed me so many times, it was terrifying. Since my parents obviously did not agree to get my uterus taken out and since I haven’t had the money to get mine surgically removed and donated to a wonderful transgirl (got three of you lovely ladies in mind! you all know who you are!)…I needed a BC medication that was going to stop EVERYTHING. Not just “the period”. But the ENTIRE period. The bleeding/clotting and ALL associated symptoms.

That BC was either Depo Provera shot or Nexplanon. One works, the other doesn’t…it seems to be that way with everyone. I tried Nexplanon first. That worked well. I forget why I tried Depo inbetween but you just read how nearly fatal that was for me…

ANYWAYS…

So this is my second time on it. As I said, It was put in on 11/22/2017.

The removal and replacement went smoothly and it’s been going smoothly……..until this month.

What I am experiencing is normal for a NORMAL PERSON. A NORMAL PERSON with a NORMAL PERIOD would be okay with these symptoms. Problem being….Idk what symptoms are associated with what because:a) I’m switching my migraine medication to something that causes certain side effects until it levels out in my systemb) I’m having what a normal person would consider a full periodc) Optical and chronic migraines are happening simultaneously and they are debilitating to the point of making me bed-ridden if I don’t take my old migraine med along with this new one (which I’m not supposed to be doing)d) I’m getting a rheumatoid diagnosis and seeing a rheymatologist soon (they’re gonna probably schedule me tomorrow for a week to a month out…month at the longest) for either a lupus or fibro diagnosis, but they’re also going to check for hyperalgesia presenting in the kicked puppy/”flinching disorder” way and there are a FUCKTON of new symptoms I’m experiencing because of whatever this auto-immune disorder or rheumatoid virus (or both) is and my period actually could be happening BECAUSE of all of thise) I added a new exercise regime in when I really haven’t exercised every day and night consistently since I got diagnosed with chronic costochondritis for fear of cardiac arrest, which I fear even more now that I’m on a med that makes it to where I can’t sweat, BUT….exercise is good for joint/muscle disease/virus/pain/etc etc etc…f) I’m under a LOT of stress and pressure regarding so many things but right now it’s primarily school…getting into a pre-med tailored general biology major and a good university to switch to a medical major and pass the MCAT and do a FUCKTON of things simultaneously in order to get into medical school (trust me, you have NO idea how many non-scholastic things you HAVE to do to even be considered an applicant at p much every med uni)… I mean, I’m enrolled in three different colleges right now and I’m taking 6 vet tech related medical classes right now and will be taking 2 general ed classes on campus 45 minutes from here to finish a different degree…so I will have two associates band a bachelors by the time I’m moving on to my doctorate (coz med majors don’t get their masters, we just move from bachelors to doctorate for some reason)g) FAFSA is another time constraint stress that is KILLING ME and scholarships and such….h) Getting into the “back to work” program with disability, trying to find a job, trying to find internships, keeping up with seminars, paperwork stacked a mile high that is all deadline, deadline, DEADLINE…I’m going to a bazillion, million doctors who are all 3+ hours away and a lot of them are turning me away at the end of the visit because they “just don’t know what to do” and “this is above [my] pay-grade” so specialists refer me to other specialists who just refer me RIGHT BACK to those other specialists and then it’s an argument on whose specialty it is because the symptoms are literally from head to foot in me and no one knows what the fuck to do to help until I see a rheumatologist so it’s MORE THAN STRESSFUL driving 6+ hours almost every day of the week to go through extensive medical exams and testing only to be told they can’t help me/don’t know what to do/recommend…….and refer me someplace else….. and also all the hospital visits I’m ending up having to endure… alone… because my roommates are an “every man for themselves” type of roommate situation….i) Being put on a new medication I’ve never tried before, Lyrica, and playing around with the dosage myself and pushing it up to 600mg a day sometimes when I’m prescribed 200mg a day (100/100 day/night) and the max legal dose for my issues is 300mg/day…not to mention I’m not being consistent with it at all…and I was supposed to titrate up from 25mg to 75mg because it can affect my psych issues the first month but I just started on 200mg per day anyways coz I’m an idiot and have a self-medication problem (hence why tons of psychs have discharged me…rightfully so)j) moving in general and getting adjusted to new roommates and a new state and a new city and a new environment in general….k) getting used to a new style of support that I WANT AND NEED OVERALL but can’t handle and don’t need specifically right now when I’m just now getting diagnosed and transitioning through all these things…L) my HRT doc finally cleared me for T after working with her and the HRT board with PPH because it was dangerous with my psych issues….and then all of a sudden all of these physical issues popped up, forcing me not only to change my entire moving plans, living plans, schooling plans, autonomy timeline, Echo timeline, screwed with my financial stability I had going on MAJORLY, a TON of other things….and then ONCE AGAIN…barred me from being eligible for HRT because it isn’t safe anymore and until I get a full, complete workup and diagnosis, as well as find out what medications I’m going to be on and the dosage and they level out in my system and we all see how they’re going to affect me…….HRT is not an option….so I have to wait EVEN LONGER….to transition….M) relations with my parents became more strained than ever lately which is odd because normally being away and being unable to be physically abused makes things better and healthier between us…but suddenly, I’VE become the abusive one…. I’m fucking lashing out at my mother every chance I get and that’s normal for chronic illness diagnosis and stuff but blacking out due to anger is not… and idk where the anger black outs are coming from…and there are other black outs…N) Shit going on with my grandparents that SHOULDN’T be going on as well as with my father that SHOULDNT be going on and only people who truly know my father and me and what has gone on between us and who he really is can comment on this (which those people I can count on one hand), but I hope to god he dies before I can get to him…Jesus fucking christO) ……I can’t go on with specifics anymore, I’m bad with list but SUFFICE IT TO SAY…..

I HAVE A FUCKTON OF STUFF GOING ON SIMULTANEOUSLY AND I’M DOING ABOVE A NEUROTYPICAL LEVEL OF ADULTING EVERY SINGLE DAY. Like….WAY above. Above an able-bodied level of adulting, too! Above a neurotypical, able-bodied person’s adulting workload every day…. Which is scary.

I’m mentioning all that because all of that is apparently stress related. Apparently if there is enough stress in your body, it can release certain hormones. And those hormones, if powerful enough…like…if the stress is powerful enough…can cause a period in people. For people who aren’t on BC, it can cause them to have it at irregular times (ie; having it right after having finally stopped it… having it twice in one month…having it once in 3 months….etc etc etc).

That list is the major things I can think of off the very top of my head that are going on with me at this very moment… It is POSSIBLE that all of that is the cause of me having a normal person’s flow and all associated symptom’s at a normal person’s level.

WHAT I MEAN WHEN I SAY NORMAL PERSON: I mean… A normal flow as in… +NOT going through over one of the biggest maxi pads available every half hour/using a singular biggest maxi pad available maybe every 6-8 hours, +NOT being bed-ridden due to cramps/being able to stand up and walk and walk up and down stairs on my own when I have cramps and be out and about if I NEED to and stand the duration of a shower with cramps, being able to eat if I need to, +having zofran or phenergen work when nauseated, +having actual acne that I clawed to shreds with my nails so it’s very noticeable (I’ve had acne less than 10 times in my entire life so it’s a little distressing to see it on my face coz idk how to deal with it, but I had to claw at it until the convex forms turned concave and started gushing blood…so now it looks like two, big, perfectly round, bright red, blood-coloured spots on my face that I claw open every morning till they bleed and claw at during the day and smother in neosporin during the night), +the clotting is about half the size of my fits and comes out only when I pee/sit on the toilet (normally, the clots are the size of my fits or bigger, which is why a D&C surgery is necessary if it were happening again, but my hands are very small…VERY small…probably smaller than President Tiny Hands…so half the size is not that bad),+Bloating/water retention to where my pants/shirts don’t even fit but my weight hasn’t gone up…but, man, it hurts my soul and my mind so badly that it makes me want to hurt myself for self loathing purposes which I haven’t wanted to do in a long time and kill myself for being obese and hideous despite the fact I know this is temporary.+Mild headaches/NOT MIGRAINES OR HEADACHES THAT HAVE ANY SORT OR LIGHT OR SOUND SENSITIVITY,+NORMAL mood swings that are not akin to BPD or bipolar disorder at all and aren’t bad enough to cause any fights, either with others or with myself,+NO Suicidal thoughts or suicidal ideation…No instantaneous suicide attempts…no insatiable self harm urges,+This may be specific to me, but cravings for weird things like the feel of blood or the smell of the ocean,+Either an entire lack of appetite or a voracious appetite+Putting off adult responsibilities with a NORMAL amount of guilty conscious applied to it and not a “Jesus fucking christ, you’re absolutely useless, ON TOP of being obese and ugly, you really DO need to kill yourself RIGHT NOW because look at all the things you need to do and you’re not, you lazy piece of shit child” but more of a “You’re being lazy lol, but it’s okay…tomorrow is a new day. Fuck it. Fuck being an adult. I am NOT adulting today!”+INTENSE craving for chocolate…ALL the time… Like, not cheap chocolate, either. Like… mandarin orange infused godiva chocolate… All day, every day. Fuck.+Breasts swelling to almost a whole new cup size. Been having a hard time using the normal sized chest binder I use because my breasts swelled or retained water/milk/whatever so much. I don’t think they hit C’s, but my smaller B-cup bras which is what I normally wear to bed didn’t fit. Regular sized B-cups are normally WAY too loose on me to wear to bed and my girls will slip out during the night so I always have to find the tight, little girls training B-cups instead of, like…the ladies. I can fit into an A, but it’s just slightly too tight and a little too uncomfortable, unfortunately. I was an A my whole life until I got on antipsychotics. Hopefully T will bring them down to the smallest A possible and I can go down in my binder size.+Heightened sensitivity to pain and heat

Here’s a lack of symptoms I have entirely despite the fact I have my period that normally accompany MY period which also make this a “normal” person’s period:+No homicidal thoughts/desires/actions (thoughts past the normal)!+No suicidal thoughts/desires/actions (thoughts past the normal)!+No impulse spending to the point of spending the entirety of your money.+No sudden development of bipolar disorder but only for the duration of your period (a psych has confirmed this with me and gone over it with me and why I am bipolar on my period and not BPD and how this can be and how it is similar to a drug induced mental disorder, ie; drug induced schizophrenia, so I’m not just like…pulling this out of the blue, I swear lololol)+An ability to remain calm and level headed during arguments or fights if there even are any and turn things into a debate or a joke/satirical conversation instead of an argument like I normally do+No sudden surge of a loss of interest in things I love (which was hard to do to begin with since I lost everything I loved to depression over the years so this feeling of losing my passions during my periods was very soul crushing)+No getting triggered by noise, like… Being mentally overloaded by noise everywhere. I know there’s a word for this and it’s normally associated with autistic people but I’m blanking coz I’m not autistic and I don’t usually experience this and a cacophony of noise actually soothes me usually, tbh…lol.+No being overly sensitive to other people’s words and actions and no reading into and over-analyzing everything everyone says and does+No extreme panic attacks that are actually mental based and not physically based (I have panic disorder, which means I don’t get any sort of mental symptoms with my panic attacks because panic disorder does not have any association with anxiety or anxiety attacks or panic attacks that are caused by mental stuff… so my panic attacks are always purely physical…during my period, they can be started mentally…which is impossible for me otherwise)+No odd fears popping up that I overcame a long time ago (ie; phone phobia making me have a panic attack if someone calls me and making me unable to answer the phone or call anyone I need to, balloon phobia, needle phobia…actually, you know, I’m still not quite over balloons yet…I thought I overcame it about like…4 or 5 years ago but then my coworkers tied balloons to my car doors as a prank and I had a panic attack and broke down crying and had to have one of them come cut them off for me lolololol…so idk about that one, but you get my examples, right?)+No losing the conscience I have built up over the years and maintained so that I can force myself to stay away from being abusive and neglectful to people I love (ie; gaslighting, manipulation, coercion, pressure, charm, using my unique charisma for evil, threats, homicidal actions, conditioning, etc etc etc…) which comes with being BPD since I cannot feel empathy or sympathy and cannot “put myself in someone else’s shoes” due to ANOTHER disorder so I have made my own conscience and I lose it during my period because it’s made up and I have to be very self aware to keep it in place coz I don’t have a conscience naturally like most people do.+No hallucinations, auditory and/or visual+No catatonic moments+No psychosis, temporary/intermittent or permanent enough to need intervention+No purposefully making a dramatic scene in public in order to elicit a response from professionals and the crowd around me to come try to take me away to a ward so I can fight them+No lying without even realizing I’m doing it or meaning to about REALLY weird things to get attention (The things I lie about without realizing I’m doing it until after I’ve already done it while I’m on my period are INSANE!!!! It can range from something as innocent and benign as like… lying about the weather to a long distance friend…”Yeah, it’s raining outside. So nice.” When it’s fucking sunny as hell and making me miserable??? To something as big and severe as “I have a gun pointed at my head right now. I’m ready to do it. I have nothing left to lose.” Bitch, I can count the number of times I’ve held a gun to my head on one hand and it’s a VERY low number because it’s always been my dad’s gun and I’ve only been honest about holding a gun to my head to like… my ex girlfriend and one of my friends. That’s it. Yet, I have said this line so many times on my period without even realizing it until after I’ve said it and when it’s already been said it’s kind of a *shrug* “Welp…oh well…I guess…Too late to correct it…” sorta thing…So I go with it and just put on a whole act and it feels totally normal when I’m on my period??? My period turns me into a really fucking crazy, manipulative, evil little boy…)+Trying to steal the spotlight from others irl to get attention on me (ie; I can’t think of a real example, so I’m making up one: A coworker blacks out during a shift so they have to call 911…when the paramedics arrive, I go start unloading boxes, using one of those retractable blade thingies to open the boxes, while everyone is watching our pale, actually in distress coworker be loaded onto a gurney… I would go as far as to literally stab myself or slice a VERY deep wound in my hand or even chop the front part pad of a finger off (which I really have done before) just so I can scream (for real coz it hurts and it makes me yelp in surprise) so that everyone will turn their attention onto me and one of the paramedics will grab me and take me with them in the ambulance and I will go to the hospital with them and get all the “Omg are you okay? What happened? Did [x] really happen? Were you really in the hospital? Omg blah blah blah ATTENTION blah blah” as soon as I get back and it will rip ALL the attention away from the coworker who actually deserved it and actually needed…that’s not an actual example, I made that up, but I would not be surprised in the least if I did something like that while on my period if I were working rn and this happened)+Impulse stealing from corporate stores just for the adrenaline rush and to shove it to “the man”+Majority of my life, it was Cry and sob and cry and sob and writhe and pull my hair out and claw at myself and sob with full body shakes because of how much mental pain I was in because suicidal feelings definitely overpowered homicidal, but now and before my original nexplanon was put in 4 years ago…like…the very very very last period I had…Going out and looking for a fight with strangers…a physical fight…that I damn well know I will lose coz I’m a 5′2″ obese boy with absolutely NO muscle… SIMPLY TO GET MY ASS BEAT AND FEEL THOSE ENDORPHINS RUSH AND FEEL THE ADRENALINE PUMP AND THEN DIE OUT (similar to cutting)… Or just go to a bar and get in the most gruesome bar fight ever… Or find a human-like substance… and stab it over and over with a knife and beat it in with brass knuckles… Threaten people with knives… Etc etc etc …. Basically a bunch of homicidal stuff that I experienced the first two days of my period but now it’s gone coz the homicidal definitely overpowers the suicidal now+Such extreme apathy AND lethargy that I could lose whatever job I have at the time, go from a solid 4.0 to failing all my classes, and lose placement and lose progress in absolutely EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING I’m attending/working towards/doing/etc+The extreme apathy and lethargy bleeds into self care, too. No showering, no brushing your teeth, no washing your hands, etc etc etc…

I can’t think of anything else, but there’s probably more…Idk. But Anyways…EVERYTHING ABOVE IS SUPPOSED TO BE MASKED MY NEXPLANON COMPLETELY!

What I am CURRENTLY experiencing…is the first list. The one prior to the one right above this one. Normal bleeding/clotting and a normal level of psychological and other physical symptoms.

However…this has never happened to me before…

During my first three years with my first nexplanon, it took less than the first month for ALL of my symptoms to go away and I didn’t even spot the first month. That’s kinda what it was like up until JUST NOW with the nexplanon. No spotting or associated symptoms or ANYTHING until….literally just a few days ago…Maybe even a week ago now. The bleeding has slowed to the point where I don’t need anything other than a thin pad now. The cramping has slowed to where I don’t need a heating pad all the time. The mood swings are gone… I’ll admit, the first two days I got my period, I wanted to kill myself so badly and I most certainly did self harm. I slit the fuck outta my wrists and was SO CLOSE to going for the 20-minute-kill-zone. But I didn’t. Thank GOD I didn’t do it…Also, the first two days were abnormal for me in the fact that I wanted to eat EVERYTHING. NONSTOP. I was SO HUNGRY. Normally my period makes me so nauseated and makes me want to stay away from food so adamantly that I can’t even force myself to eat to stay alive so, like I said, I usually end up on IV nutrients in the hospital during the second week… My hunger returned to normal level on the third day and then has gone to the forcing myself to eat to stay alive bit now because I’m never hungry and I’m looking at food either makes me feel full or nauseated. Smelling food definitely makes me feel nauseated unless it’s chocolate. Lmaoooo! I am prescribed both phenergen and zofran for different reasons, though, so I just pop some zofran and it normally takes care of it to where I can force myself to eat something to stay alive or to not have a hypoglycemic attack. Coz now if I don’t eat something (even if it’s just a fucking spoonful of peanut butter or a cup of orange juice or a bar of chocolate—listing those 3 things coz they’re the top three best things to bring someone out of hypoglycemic shock) within 24 hours, I will notice my blood sugar bottom out and I will go into hypoglycemic shock and if I don’t immediately take care of it, I need to be hospitalized. Which is why I ALWAYS have chocolate on hand and ALWAYS have orange juice in the house. Don’t always have peanut butter on hand…but I should. I also have chronically low blood pressure and for some reason that affects my blood sugar and how easily it can crash and such? I’m not quit sure how (med student here and I have no idea the physiology of this stuff lol….wow) but I have to pay SUPER SPECIAL ATTENTION to BOTH of those things (blood sugar and blood pressure) during my period…because if my BP bottoms out and I don’t get help, I go into a coma. God forbid it fucking happens while I’m sleeping which…since I take metropolol (migraine med which drops my BP coz it’s a BP med) before bed and go to sleep with ambien which lowers my BP double (ambien and sleeping lowers your BP) AND IF I’M ON MY PERIOD ON TOP OF THAT….my BP will just plummet…and if I’m sleeping, there’s no chance at getting help or found or anything… I’ll just go straight to a coma. Same with hypoglycemia. Which is why I make sure ESPECIALLY ON MY PERIOD to eat something chocolate or peanut butter or both…and drink a bit of orange juice before bed…just in case. Coz being in hypoglycemic shock is scary af…the few times I have been…being TOTALLY helpless like that…totally disoriented… totally at the mercy of whomever finds you…feeling yourself slipping away…. unable to call or move for help…that’s TERRIFYING. Lemme tell you…and MY PERIOD CAN MAKE THAT 20x WORSE. JFC.

So….

Tl;Dr: Yes, I’m bleeding this month… 3 months after getting it put in. I’m having what would be considered a “normal person’s” period with a “normal person’s” symptoms…nothing I’ve ever experienced myself with my own period. So this is a fucking miracle period, but it still sucks and is still terrifying.I chose Nexplanon because no other BC (other than I’ve heard Depo does this for some people?) not only stops the bleeding/clotting COMPLETELY, but also stops ALL associated symptoms, both physical and mental/emotional/psychological. Which…almost ALL (I can’t stress ALL enough; there’s barely any that ARE NOT) symptoms associated with a period have the potential to be fatal to me, including the mental/emotional/psychological ones. So a BC that stopped them all entirely is what I needed since my parents wouldn’t consent to taking my uterus out via surgery which is what doctors recommended over and over and over again and when I became an adult, it was too costly and is STILL too costly. So Nexplanon + the T I’m going to be getting on are a beautiful combination for stopping EVERYTHING.Apparently, it is NORMAL to have a period the first few months on Nexplanon, albeit I did not experience this with my first nexplanon and only experienced true spotting ONCE with my first nexplanon the first 3+ years I had it in when my hormonal alpha female ex-gf got her fullblown period and I was living with her and her husband and sleeping in the same bed as her. I only got spotting. No associated symptoms, physical or psychological.This time around, I am having what would be considered a normal period for a neurotypical person with no uterine problems or vaginal problems or bleeding disorders (I have vaginismus, too, so that factors in somewhere).The bleeding seems to have stopped entirely today, making it last around maybe 5-6 days, which I think is the “normal” time for a “normal” person.

Most associated symptoms have left. The ones that remain are: Bloating, Breast swelling, Aching/Sore body (but that could be associated with the lupus/fibro/hyperalgesia diagnoses going on with me because the joints are the worst with sore-ness and aching),Mild, spontaneous headaches,Extreme heat sensitivity,Acne (but that could be because I literally clawed both spots open with my nails until they started gushing blood and now I keep clawing them open every morning and all the time throughout the day….so I mean..??? I’ve never dealt with acne. Idk how to deal with it. I’m just putting neosporin on at night.)

I am expecting these things to go away… The headaches, aching/soreness, and heat sensitivity could be associated with other illnesses going on with me that I’ve never dealt with before and don’t know what to expect. But I know damn well the bloating and breast swelling is from this…and I know the acne is from this, as that was confirmed by a doctor (coz I was scared about it being from something else) but I think it just hasn’t gone away because I keep clawing at it and making it bleed. If they don’t go away in a week, I’m gonna let my gyno know and see what she can do/recommends.

The first two days of this were ALMOST as rough, psychologically, as my normal period and the cramps and clotting put me in the hospital and warranted a high dosage morphine shot, 800mg of ibuprofen (and a script for it) and a hydro (and a script for it).

The ONLY thing I’m worried about recurring other than the cramps and clotting and psychological symptoms is that… I don’t know if the physical black outs are related to my period or if they are related to my auto-immune disorder (lupus/fibro/hyperalgesia) because when I first got diagnosed with a joint-related virus, where they took x-rays that showed a virus of some sort was physically eating away my joints…I was literally blacking out for a couple seconds every 5-15 minutes. That was about a month ago. Now I have almost a full solid diagnosis, but I’ve thrown two new medications into the mix (Lyrica, which I’ve never been on before, and Topamax, which this is my 6th or 7th time being on) and a lot of new things/stressors/lifestyle changes in general… but the other day. ..maybe 3 days ago now? 2? It happened again. Blacking out for very short amounts of time…approximately 10 seconds every 5-15 minutes…but towards the end of the day, I blacked out so badly that I was out for a solid 20 minutes, give or take, and since I blacked out in the kitchen, my head either hit the tile floor or a counter when I went down and since I have a bleeding disorder AND it was head wound, even though it was barely even a surface scratch at all (it’s practically healed now, 2-3 days later), it bled badly enough in those 20 minutes or so that when my roommates came home and found me blacked out in the kitchen, there was a small pool of blood around my forehead. One of them was panicking and had me in his arms and was shouting LEON! LEON! WAKE UP! LEON! OMG ARE YOU OKAY!? WHAT HAPPENED!? CAN YOU HEAR ME!? LEON!!! Meanwhile, he turns to his boyfriend while I’m slowly coming to as he’s shaking me and shouting one of my many nickname’s at me…and he tells his bf to call 911…which is when I snapped out of it (sort of) and used a Scully catchphrase and pushed myself off of my friend and held up an accusatory finger to his boyfriend and was like …quoting that artwork of Scully in the jacket that I love, saying in a very slurred voice “Stand aside! I’m a medical doctor!” Which…lmao. I started giggling. They didn’t get the reference coz they’re not Philes… But I managed to make them understand to please not call 911… That was the last time I blacked out that day…but it was for a solid 20 minutes and I had been blacking out and throwing up all day that day…experiencing both chronic AND optical migraines simultaneously… the clots were bigger than ever and I could feel the flesh being ripped from my uterine wall and slowly oozing out of my vagina. It was the worst feeling. They were almost as big as my fist at this point. And I was so lightheaded and experiencing so much vertigo…but I have been experiencing constant vertigo and lightheadedness since this virus hit me and since we started researching into it and looking into lupus and such.

SO I DO NOT KNOW IF THE BLACKING OUT IS ASSOCIATED AT ALL WITH THE PERIOD….OR IF THE PERIOD IS ASSOCIATED WITH THE LUPUS AND SUCH WHICH IS WHAT THE BLACKING OUT IS ASSOCIATED WITH…OR IF BLACKING OUT IS JUST SEPARATE….

And Idk if this period is a one time thing…or if I’m going to get it again…because, although it is nice to experience a “normal person” version of a period, it’s STILL HELL ON EARTH. It’s nice to know my life is not in danger from a normal body function…it’s still awful and my life is in danger via my psyche and how it affects me psychologically very close to the same as my normal period the first day or two days… Idk if I can overcome it and JUST hurt myself the next time I have it.

But it seems to have…stopped…now? Today?

If it happens again next month at the same level, I’m going in to my gyno to talk about other options or to see if there’s a way to get medicaid or the state to pay to get my uterus surgically removed. The state would have paid when I was 13…sigh. Idk if they will now…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To answer your question simply? Nexplanon is supposed to stop your period and ALL associated symptoms COMPLETELY. However, as you know, every person is different and everyone will react differently. I was bleeding and did get a “normal” level period for about 5-6 days that is not entirely gone, but the bleeding has stopped now. This did not happen the first 3+ years I had my first Nexplanon. But this could be attributed to a fuckton of things going on with me (that I explained above for this reason exactly), personally, and may not have anything to do with the Nexplanon itself.

I hope that answers everything….Coz I put some thorough af work into all of that. Lmao. But if you (or anyone) needs clarification on anything or has any other questions, Nexplanon is kinda one of my maxed out skill trees that I know a whole bunch about, having had it for over 4 years already and am on my second one now. Lol. Feel free to shoot me an ask!

[edmdma.tumblr.com/ask]

Gonna attempt to tag for triggers coz this was sorta graphic if you’re not really into medical things. Tell if you’d like these kinda posts tagged with something specific.

#personal #nexplanon #nexplanon implant #implant #birth control #bc #b c #birth #control #birthcontrol #nexplanonimplant #progesterone

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modernnonfiction · 7 years

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lol im gonna talk about how sucky my life used to be under the cut so pls dont read if you dont want to this is like a stream of consciousness thing because im feeling Depressed

this is honestly so extra but ive never really said all of this out loud or written it all down. I had a diary when i was 11 and i said some of this stuff but she found it and ruined me for it so i dont ever talk about it. i think i just realized why i dont talk about it by writing that out wow. but anyway,

my parents got divorced when i was six. i was sad at the time but honestly? i wasnt that upset in the grand scheme. i found out later it was bc my mom cheated on my dad with my current stepfather lol. but before they told us that was happening my mom just disappeared for three months and my dad was sad all the time. i remember that was the nicest my dad has ever been to me; he used to carry me down for breakfast every morning and id watch tv on this big round chair in our old house. when my mom came home i wrote about it in my little journal at school and i dont think my teacher thought anything of it.

my mom moved to an apartment and my dad kept the house. since we were so young we’d spend the first half of the week with one parent and the second half with the other. i think we switched to an every other week arrangement when my dad got remarried.

my parents never liked to tell me when they went on dates but i always knew. they were probably worried about upsetting me but i wouldnt have been. i understood that my parents were broken up and i didnt want to change it, because i knew it was a grown up thing. they would always try to explain to me in a non direct way what was going on and i always hated it. i was intuitive for my age and i never really liked the skirting around the issues. it seemed important to my parents that i knew i could ask questions and be upset but i genuinely didnt feel that way.

my dad dated a really nice woman with two little girls my brother’s age for a little while. i sometimes wonder what wouldve happened if he married her instead. i see her at church sometimes with her two girls. i don’t think she ever remarried.

my dad met my step mother after her. i really liked her. she had three daughters that were younger than me, an older daughter and an older son. they were all nice. i would go to their house whenever i would be staying with my dad and i would have sleepovers with her younger daughters. i always loved going to their house because they had so many things to play with and a big backyard. now that i think about it i think my dad asked to marry her after only like nine months. thats never really enough time to get to know a person. i was so happy though. i had been praying for a little sister for so long and then i was going to have three! my dad married her during the summer on a beach in florida. we all travelled there together and stayed in a nice beach condo. i was excited to be the flower girl in the wedding and to wear a pretty dress that matched all of my sisters.

things started going south that weekend. I went to the grocery store with my younger siblings and my stepmother on one of the first days, and i was messing around as kids tend to do. i wasnt doing anything wrong. it was 10 years ago, i’ll give, but i do remember feeling surprised because i had never heard my stepmother speak to me this way. she told me that if i didn’t shut up she would spank me, which shut me up quite quickly, but it felt weird.

this is the part of the story where i feel like people will stop listening and tell me im overreacting, but i know that was when i realized something wasnt right. it was the tone of voice that tipped me off, thats something i cant really convey. I rly hate how right now i feel like i have to defend that her telling me she would hit me is wrong. but it is. i’ll leave it at that. im not spoiled, i was hit plenty of times after this comment. none of it was right, but it happened. my point is hitting children is wrong, it was wrong when it happened to me and its wrong now.

but anyway, the wedding happened. things got progressively worse for me that whole weekend. i remember sitting on the stairs in the condo playing with my dollhouse absentmindedly because i had gotten yelled at earlier. after the weekend was over, my granparents picked me and my brother up so that they could go on their honeymoon. i remember laying on the bed one morning in our hotel room thinking that something wasnt right.

dammit i was just a kid i just keep thinking about that i was a kid i was little why didnt she like me

a lot of my childhood is a blur now because of her. there was a lot of yelling, some hitting, her generally just making me feel like shit. there were good moments too, and i tried so hard to like her and get along with her but i just couldnt. she terrified me. she would look at me in a way that made me forget how to speak, i was so scared of her.

she made me feel stupid, that was one thing she did a lot. me and my brother were really smart kids and that made her so mad. i never understood it then but i do now. she would look for ways to make us feel stupid so that she could have a moment of superiority. over an 8 year old of all people. thats what made her so vile.

i was a really emotional kid. i still am emotional, to be fair, but when you’re a kid, you never really know how to control that, you know? I was always made to believe i had done something wrong when my stepmom was around, and it showed. i clung to my dad a lot, and she hated that.

the moment that i flash back to the most, the one thing that i think makes me hate her so much, is the time when i was 8, probably less than a year after she and my dad got married, i was sitting with my dad on the couch watching tv, and something inside her snapped. idk what it was that tipped her off, but she started yelling at me, saying that i was avoiding her, and that i was being selfish and rude and awful. i was confused and upset and just plain scared mostly. i argued that i wasn’t trying to do anything to her, i was just watching tv with my dad. there was no way i could be avoiding her because that wasn’t even a thought that occurred to me. She wasn’t having it. I knew that this encounter wouldnt end without her hurting me. i dont remember how it got to this point, but she got so mad that she just stopped talking to me, went to the dining room and pulled out a chair. she dragged me off the couch and made me stand behind it. she told me that i had to stand behind this chair and think of why i was avoiding her and why i was being mean to her, and then when i had an answer i had to sit down and tell her. i stood behind that chair for hours while her and my dad fought out of earshot of me. i dont remember how long it was, but i remember it was long enough for the sun to set and for all my siblings to go to bed. i genuinely tried to think of things to say to her, but they weren’t real, and i didn’t want to lie. i couldn’t think of anything because i didn’t know what i had done wrong. after a few hours, i resolved that i could just stand behind that chair for the rest of my life, because i was in the church choir and i took dance class, and i was used to standing for long periods of time. she came back when she was done fighting and when she saw i wasn’t sitting down she snapped again. she hit me over and over and over and between each time she would ask me what my reason was for a avoiding her. if i didn’t say anything she would hit me. if i made something up she would hit me. this went on until she got tired out and left. i hung over the chair and cried. my dad came to get me and i told him i didn’t do anything. he said he knew, and that if i just apologized to her, she would leave me alone. i didn’t want to, but he said even if i didn’t believe it, it would make her stop. i told her i was sorry and that i wouldn’t do it again, whatever “it” was, and she said “whatever”. i went to bed after that and cried myself to sleep.

the next morning we went to church and afterword the same thing happened. she was mad that i was “avoiding” her in church. instead of hitting me that time, she pulled out a notebook and wrote down two questions: “why did i hesitate from holding [my stepmother]’s hand in church?” and “why did I ignore [my stepmother]?” (i cant quite remember the second one, but it was along those lines.). she told me that if i were “smart enough to be in gifted classes at school” that i was “smart enough to answer those questions in essays”. she left me alone and made my siblings go play outside. i sat there stumped for a while, she would come and check on me and make sure i wasnt falling asleep, and would tell me to start writing something. my dad came in later and just told me some crap to write so that i could be done and go play with my siblings. she was upset that he told me what to write, but let me go anyway. i went to see my siblings and they asked me what happened. i told them and they shrugged it off.

you know, people say that abuse makes your brain block out memories, and i used to think that my memory was pretty ironclad. now that im actually thinking about it, i can only remember a few isolated moments. all the rest of it is just a blur where i know that she was awful to me and i was miserable but i have no idea the specific circumstances.

im also thinking about how my dad didnt try to stop any of it. he would help me through it, and he would empathize with me, but he didn’t try to stop it. sometimes he would join in and that made it worse.

i’m gonna list the isolated incidents that i can remember just so that its written down.

I found out that santa and the easter bunny and their affiliates were not real the first christmas after my dad remarried. i told my little brother and sisters that i didn’t believe in it right after my revelation, because they were my best friends and i told them everything. my dad and stepmom found out and i got in so much trouble. but it didnt make sense to me because i didn’t know that what i did was wrong. didn’t stop them from hitting me.

i was playing with my little sister and slapped her on the back. i did it too hard and it hurt her. she was wearing a swimsuit top and he had sensitive skin so it left a handprint. i apologized, it was an accident (and just as a side note she hit me first and i was retaliating. not that it matters.). she told my dad and stepmom and they called me to the kitchen. said “you know what we have to do now” and hit my bare skin as a punishment.

took me to a rollercoaster park knowing that im scared of rollercoasters (about 9 or 10 in age at the time) got in trouble for being afraid of the rollercoasters. my dad pulled me to the side and told me that i was gonna get a beating when we got home. we went to the waterpark section of the theme park and they wouldnt let me go swimming because i wouldnt ride rollercoasters. i had to watch my siblings go swimming without taking my eyes off of them to underscore that the reason i wasnt swimming was because i was being selfish and spoiled because they paid money for me to come there and i was afraid of the rollercoasters

i’m just gonna stop for now bc this is a lot and im tired.

#abuse //#this was only like two years of it lol

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