#It was my birthday a few days ago so I thought I'd reblog this again

[undercoverpena]

jo sharing and caring

mental health awareness week starts in the uk tomorrow and this year’s theme is anxiety.

i know i share lots of nice stories, but after some convos the last few weeks, i realise i share very little (not just on here, but in my life) about my anxiety.

while i owe no one any of this, i just know when i was first wandering the trenches unsure what my brain was doing, i'd have loved someone to have shared their story. even if this terrifies me. so, because i advocate so much in my personal life, here's the curtain pulled back on jo, my struggles and anxiety.

TW: for talks of anxiety below

i face anxiety every single day, and have done diagnosed for several years, and undiagnosed for a lot longer.

the first time i think i had anxiety. i was young, less than 10 and i didn't want to go to my birthday party. i sobbed. i couldn't explain why, but there was something about going i did not want to do. my mum (bless her) tried to convince me otherwise, until i climbed into my little bed and begged her to not make me. each time she picked me up, i fought. when i got past the threshold of my bedroom door, i remember her telling me to breathe and i was panicking until i was sick.

when i was diagnosed, i had sessions with a therapist. we talked at length about my childhood and that moment was the first that i handed them without question. they nodded, scribbled (as they do) and we moved to another, and another, and when i told my mum all of this, she looked so heartbroken, because to her:

i'd always just seemed a bit sensitive.

i don't blame her. i was her first child, and for the most part, in my bedroom playing make-believe i was happy. as i got older, that happiness was harder, and i began to mask how i felt, eventually bursting into uncontrollable tears for no reason and being dubbed 'over sensitive'.

i got so good, i sometimes don't know when to put that mask down. even now, I hide behind jokes and disguise the broken days in pieces of my writing. sometimes, they’re far easier to spot (narrows eyes at a few pieces), sometimes they’re not. there are days I am on here, I am not okay and there are others where I am more than okay. there’s no pattern, no reason. I may reblog differently, but I like to act the same. put up a front, and put others at ease—i want to be there for people, be a support, a rock... 

but, that means I am not always honest. 

I don’t like to show that I’m crumbling from imposter syndrome, that I don’t feel talented or good enough. and i think it allows people to make assumptions that I’m put together, that i’m confident and strong, and the last person who deals with horrid thoughts. 

i'm not saying this so people treat me differently or change their perception, and i'm not sharing for brownie points or for people to flood my inbox, but rather because the first day someone first told me all of this, i felt a little less alone.

i wouldn't have had that without writing. they first slid into my DMs about my writing all those years ago, told me how my work made them feel and i felt... seen? happy. and we began talking and it was like someone was living inside of my brain.

and, what linked us, is writing. it's one of the things I've found that had truly helped me. it has always given me an escape—and because of it, I've had the amazing chance to meet so many friends who have become lifelong.

at the beginning, i was bad. and that is me objectively saying that. I’m self taught. I’m on the scale of dyslexia. I don’t know where to put a comma to save my life. but, I kept going, and still do. and it was hard, even more so working with other to better myself and take critique when my brain just kept telling me to quit. some times, i even did. closed my laptop and told myself i'd never write again.

i always ended up going back on it.

somewhere, still on the internet is those first years of fanfics, for a fandom i don't partake in, living their somewhat-best-life.

and this isn't to say i’m perfect now. but i am a work-in-progress. i try, and i find joy in creating and sharing.

at the time, and even now, it’s not how ‘good’ I think I am that gives me a spark to carry on. but rather that writing gives me a place to process, to try and channel the overthinking into linear thoughts I can process. characters guide me down paths to acknowledging I’m hurt, that i’m sad, that I am overwhelmed and even angry. 

there are more than a handful of stories that have bled from me, tears on the phone screen as I sobbed, shoving the pain into tales that you may have read.

sometimes, reading those pieces back makes me happy that i can channel it into something pretty. make the anxiety feel less ugly to have and to carry. i also know when i don't write, i feel my brain get more full.

when i'm in a low-mood especially, writing is hard. and it's something my family use now to judge what scale i'm on by asking: 'what you been writing'.

because even to them I hide. i function, i show up, i often give far too much of myself to others even if I really want to ask people to help me. it’s the slight aversion to answering if I’m okay. It’s the way I’ll shift the convo to something someone has said. it’s that I’m masked my entire childhood that as an adult I lack the tools to be entirely honest. I put a smile on, I do well at my job and I’m able to talk to push myself to do things that terrify me. so I seem fine? 

but, mental health struggles can look different. and that's the point of this stupidly long post.

“you don’t seem like you struggle like me” “you post so much, you can’t really worry about it” 

no one means anything bad when they say the above. and worse of all, I laughed both of them off. because again, I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. 

but truthfully? …some days are really fucking hard. and I don’t admit that enough. and it isn’t because I worry you’d all judge me, but because I don’t like giving into it: the anxiety.

i don't want to admit out loud that i struggle all the time, not always big, and sometimes small. that I agonise. I worry. and each time I post anything here, I do so purposely close to my bedtime so I can logout. fear pounding through me that this will be the story where everyone turns on me. 

I worry that each interaction will be taken the wrong way. that I’ll make a connection, and it’ll change (all because one did years ago, got ugly, and it led to me not posting for over six months).

I keep myself awake that I said something wrong and people are mad at me. I replay over something from the day, churning over how I could have said it better, how I could have acted better. I’ll message friends in the middle of the night reminding them I love them incase I haven’t showed it in a while. 

and the one that most can relate to… I don’t feel good enough. I don’t think I’m worth anything. I have no value. not just here, but in my day job too. a thing which crippled my progress there for the last year until a writer I work with told me that if they didn’t think I could do it, they’d have told me—not to hurt me, but because it wouldn’t be fair. 

brain demons cloud the truth. and they cloud the progress you've made.

they cast shadows over things that bring us joy, purposefully, because it’s their job to isolate us. they’re purpose is to make me feel like I can’t write, can’t create—because it keeps them at bay. 

all of this is to say, if you’ve gotten down to this, people struggle similarly, but they can also struggle differently. 

mine, for example, feeds other things that I have to live with. it makes me sad, it makes me compulsive; it makes me overthink and it often makes me have anxiety attacks. there are days I don’t want to get out of bed, and some where I want to charge out of it so the day ends quicker. but, I’m not an expert. just a person living with anxiety with a side salad of depression and ocd. I’m just a person on this site you may know, or may have only just discovered.

i don't always show how broken i am, i don't always show that an ask has got to me or a conversation has worried me. i don't always ask for help, and i don't ever want to make anyone uncomfortable. i care more about what others think, and even less about myself; i'd rather stay up late making someone feel better, than ever begin to work through my own issues.

but that is me. all of it. as honest as you'll likely get. all beautiful, chaotic, anxious and a bit of a mess, that jo girl that writes.

which is why I have to remind you im not an expert. that if you’re struggling, talk to someone. a friend, a family member you trust, or a medical professional. 

while erupting into a fountain of tears on a poor consultant pharmacist hadn’t been the top of my todo list the day I began getting answers, I do not regret it. but I know that isn’t easy, and I know it’s not as simple for others to get that help. but if you can, try.

brain demons want you to feel alone, they want to isolate you, so don’t let them. they truly don’t begin to climb into the box they came from without a little help, whether that’s medical, writing, or a friend. 

thank you for coming to my jo talk, and I'll shut up now 🩷✨

[translucent-at-best]

Scatter-brained...

I can't find the post about the greatest movie deaths to reblog it, but I just want y'all to know that topping my list is Queenie the dog's death in Crooklyn. Also included is Sonny from The Godfather and Samuel L. Jackson's character in Deep Blue Sea.

Life been life-ing like a motherfucker lately. And while some of it is just happening to me through no fault of my own, there is some of it that's also just me dealing with the consequences of my actions. I'm trying to focus on the things I can control, but it's easier said than done.

Death been death-ing like crazy too. From family to friends to friends who are family... This shit don't make no sense.

I'm 33 now. I haven't had a birthday party since I was 9, but I'm planning a birthday brunch for myself next weekend and I'm excited for it. And grateful that I have people to invite and who I know will show up for me. I'm really out here with chosen family. I came out here knowing no one. I might sound like a broken record at this point, but I'll never stop thanking God for that.

Had to kick my roommate's boyfriend out of the apartment a few weeks ago. I'm still shaken up over it. She told me he's not welcome back until I say he is and I told her I don't know if I'll ever be comfortable with that again (read: I absolutely won't be). She says she understands and that that's a consequence he'll just have to live with... but I'm very aware that although she's saying that now, she may not be so understanding on a May 15th or a July 20th or... you get it. I hope I'm wrong, but if she's shown me anything thus far, it's that I can't always believe what she says.

This same boyfriend showed up unannounced at my place last Sunday night to "apologize." We talked through the call box and that was only long enough for me to say (and repeat several times) that I'm not in a place to accept an apology right now. He kept trying to convince me to talk, asking for "a minute of your time" and saying that he's really a good guy.

First off, anyone who calls themselves a "good" person, I'm wary of. I feel like that's the type of thing other people should tell me about you or that I should clearly be able to see for myself through your actions. Secondly, your solution to getting kicked out of some place is to show up to that place unannounced and try to force the person who wanted you out to accept your apology on your time and terms? Fuck all the way out of here. Thirdly, the lack of self awareness it takes to say you understand why what you did (not listening to us when we told you to leave) was wrong, but then to refuse to listen and leave AGAIN as you try to apologize is mind-boggling. Every time I think about it, I end up even more pissed.

I've been closing all my fitness circles nearly every day this month and I'm really proud of me for that. I even went and worked out on my birthday. Who is she?

The economy is a mess, the current job market is big trash, and the non-profit org I work for has fallen on hard times and informed us that there will be layoffs at the end of this school year. I'm applying and have been applying, but finding the energy to keep doing so is draining in a way I don't think I've experienced before.

And, on top of all that, my sleep schedule has been terrible. I thought it was just a side effect of my period this month, but that thing been gone for a minute and I'm still struggling.

April 13th (the day I promised myself I'd get back on a dating app) came and went. I downloaded an app. I created a profile. I consulted friends about which pictures to post and choose... but them fucking prompts? I know I'm supposed to show off my personality, sell myself, etc. I just ain't got the energy right now...

[megatownac]

The queue is empty, and it's been a little over four years since that happened. The last time, it's because I was on a two-week trip to Japan. This time, it's because I've quit playing New Horizons.

I stopped playing on September 22, on Ankha's birthday, because I wanted to celebrate that one last time before I put the game down. Since then, I've regained half an hour each day by not playing, and another twenty minutes by not queueing up posts after I got through my backlog on October 1. So it's been about 23 days of having an extra 50 minutes.

I'd been playing for nearly a year for no reason other than to keep getting fuel for posts. It wasn't fun on its own anymore.

I started this blog in September 2013, 10 years and 1 month ago. Since then, I've written over 22,000 posts in just about 3700 days.

When I started this blog, the Animal Crossing world was a lot more active. I made friends with people like @toysleaf and @vivinzenz. I would visit people's towns, and they would visit mine. As years went on, that faded. The blog got a little bit bigger. Just barely, barely big enough that I had to get cautious about what I wrote. I cut out all swearing and off-color jokes. I stopped asking people for things. I made sure never to reveal my political leanings, or my thoughts on current events. It wasn't my place, I thought, and was grateful that nobody asked me to weigh in. I eventually became isolated in my little world, not reblogging anything from anybody, ever, and hoping that maybe eventually some silly joke I made would get viral enough to…

To what, exactly? It's not like I ever made money doing this, and I'd all but given up on making friends. I was just doing it out of habit, out of a drive to see if I could get my follower count to go up. It didn't. I hit the 1500-follower mark back in 2016 or 2017 and never got higher than 1595. My silly jokes, my constant barrage of snarky comments about my day-to-day life, simply weren't popular with some imaginary mainstream Animal Crossing tumblr fandom that stopped existing well before New Horizons came out.

There's still an Animal Crossing fandom out here, of course. Just not one that follows blogs like mine. Do something impressive: create some art, or crochet something, or even design a cool home. Things I was not doing. Things I did not want to do.

I'd like to get back to enjoying Animal Crossing. To playing the game for fun. To playing it with other people, and making friends. But that won't happen right now. It can't.

Remember, I've been doing this for over 10 years. I was in my late twenties when I STARTED this blog, and I knew very well that I was one of the oldest people on Tumblr posting Animal Crossing content. My forties are not far off. I'm old. I feel out of place and weird posting my silly little jokes here when I know that most of the people reading them, and there aren't many who do, are probably quite a bit younger than I am. It's a kid's game, and that's fine. But I'm not a kid, and I'm not posting anything truly creative. Just blogging. Just starting up my game each morning to run around and gather fossils and hit rocks and talk to any islanders I see and snapping dozens of screenshots so I can post them on Tumblr at a rate of 4 or more posts each day.

This isn't goodbye forever. I'm just going on break for now. When something changes, I'll be back.

In the meantime, my main blog, @ratralsis, was active before this one started and is still active. I'm going to try to write there a little more often now that I'm not posting here each day, but we'll see, I guess.

As for here, I don't know what I might be posting here in the next few months. Maybe nothing. Maybe I'll start reblogging things again for the first time in, what, six years? Seven years? I don't know. A long time.

I'm not saying I will. Just that I maybe will. Maybe I won't!

Either way, take care of yourself, and remember that I'm still around and, one way or another, will continue writing on the internet until I am physically unable. I've been doing so since 2001 or so and have never stopped. I've been Ratralsis since 2002 and I needed a name to write on a friend's website (the website is long gone now). As far as I know, I'm either the only Ratralsis out there or the other people with that name don't show up on Google, so, as of today, at least, if you see a Ratralsis out there complaining about Best Buy on Twitter or leaving comments on YouTube videos or posting in the forums on Flight Rising, that's me.

That's all for now.

[moonlight-melts]

I want to believe you're special

IT'S MY LITTLE BROTHER'S BIRTHDAY!!! Happy birthday Kantaro I hope you had a good day <33

I call him baby bear, it's just a nickname I give him! His character has a lot of bear imagery, so...

I don't think there are any warnings to issue here except maybe a bit of anxiety and self-deprecation at the beginning because uuuh Kantaro.

Can you tell I suck at giving gifts? Because I really do.

Title comes from Swap Out by Police Piccadilly!

PLEASE REBLOG MY WRITING.

¸¸♬·¯·♩¸¸♪·¯·♫¸¸¸♬·¯·♩¸¸♪·¯·♫¸¸

Kantaro ends his birthday live with a last peace sign, and lets out a relieved sigh when the little red dot indicating he was live disappears. The views count was low, barely hitting five hundred, and Kantaro can't help but wonder how worthless is existence is if people won't even be there for his birthday -that was his special day, for fuck's sake! Why couldn't they all celebrate with him?

On top of that, Esther said he'd come to celebrate today, and he was well past an hour late. Defeated, Kantaro slumps in his chair. Esther probably forgot, why would he care? Kantaro isn't all that important and the eldest has other things to do in his life that are probably much, much higher priorities than a failure of an idol like he is, right? That must be it, there's no other explanation, and...

A loud slam of the front door interrupts his train of thought, and only a few seconds pass before Esther barges into the room and literally throws himself at Kantaro, who's so taken aback he's completely frozen. When Esther pulls back, the other members of VISTY appear at the door, intrigued by the noise.

-I am so late! He says. I was indecisive and I ended up missing the train, so I told myself I'd go by bus but then I missed the stop so I had to come by foot, but I kinda got lost... I'm so sorry!

-So you didn't forget...?

The look in Kantaro's eyes and the tone of his voice are close to break Esther's heart.

-Forget? Gods, no, how could I? I'm sorry if I made you feel that way.

-No, no, it's... It's just...

He can't finish his sentence before he's engulfed in another hug.

-I'm sorry for being so late, I really should've at least send a text. Happy birthday, Kantaro.

Kantaro nuzzles his face in Esther's shoulder before pushing him back a bit. The eldest rummages through the bag he took with him and starts to explain:

-So, aside from my little orientation problem, I have other reasons for being late.

-You should really be careful, though. Toma chimes in as he sits down next to them, a slight smile on his face. You'll end up getting seriously lost one day.

-I know... Sorry for worrying you. Anyway, I made this... And got you this!

He takes out two boxes, a tupperware and a neatly wrapped present box. He points the former.

-That's the honey cake I made once, and... Listen I know you guys are idols and all but I remember you liked it so I made it again and I think it's better than last time and I just... Wanted a little something so we can all celebrate together.

-No, that's a great idea! Shogo ruffles Esther's hair in a way that makes both of them giggle. It's not like a tiny infringement of our diet will change anything.

Everyone choses to ignore the implication of the last few words as Aoi goes to fetch plates and a knife. When they come back, a light smile decorates their lips. Kantaro ended his live about ten minutes ago, and didn't touch his phone once to start ego-surfing. Esther tends to be a bit overbearing, but Aoi is endlessly thankful for it sometimes. This is one of these times. As they cut the cake, they notice Kantaro's phone is laying the farthest away from him it's been in weeks.

Kantaro himself is staring at the present and is practically vibrating from curiosity, and Esther struggles to hide his amusement. He playfully rolls his eyes when Toma nudges him with his elbow.

-Okay, okay. He laughs. Well, I hope you'll like it.

Kantaro doesn't wait before tearing open the wrapping and opening the box. Inside lies a beige hoodie made of soft, fluffy fur. When he takes it out to look at it, he notices the little ears sewn to the hood. It's oversized and, when he takes off the sweatshirt he's wearing to try on the new one, it swallows him whole like a warm hug.

Seemingly satisfied, Esther nods to himself.

-You're so cute! He ends up saying. I hoped it'd fit you, you look great.

-Thank you, Es... I love it so much!

The smile he makes is less controlled than the ones he makes on camera. It's more toothy, uneven in a sense, and there's a fondness in everyone's eyes as they watch him nuzzle his nose in the fabric.

Esther smiles, grabs Kantaro's face and smack a light kiss on his forehead before pulling him close to his chest.

-Happy birthday, baby bear. I love you.

-Mmh. I love you too.

And soon, as Aoi, Shogo and Toma join in, the whole group becomes a tangled mess of arms and legs, squeezing a giggly Kantaro in a giant... Bear hug!

[the28thofseptemberr]

helloooo!! i didn't do a fic rec last month because i was so busy with my exams and barely had time to read, so this month's post is going to comprise of mostly fics i've read in june but also some i've read in may.

thank you to all of the incredible writers, please go support them!! and remember to read all of the tags and possible warnings before reading the fic! here is the list of fics (mostly below the cut):

read

•° — led by your beating heart by @missandrogyny 29.4k | E | famous harry/non-famous louis

Nick leans over. "Oh," he says, his voice smug. "Who is that?"

Harry just blinks at his phone. "Um," he manages to stammer out.

"Who's that, Harry?" Nick asks again, but this time he raises his eyebrows and smirks. Harry knows Nick is just teasing, and that he's not really looking for new Harry Styles gossip, but, um. He might have found something. Accidentally.

Harry opens his mouth to speak, but all that comes out is another 'um'. He really needs to work on translating his thoughts into words. But then it probably wouldn't be any help right now, would it? His mind is as blank as a newly erased etch-a-sketch.

"Oh," Nick says again, this time gleefully, seemingly having picked up on Harry's distress. "Looks like we've got a story here! Are you going to call or delete her number?"

Her number. So Nick thinks it's a girl. Well, Harry can't blame him: 'Lou' is kind of an androgynous nickname. His stylist's name is Lou.

But this Lou, well, Louis, he's kind of, really, really not a girl. He's really pretty though, which, is something.

(Or: AU where Harry's in One Direction, Louis isn't, and they reconnect over a game of 'Call or Delete'.)

note: this was so funny and cute and well written, and everyone was characterized so perfectly!! i adored the chemistry between louis and harry, this fic kept me smiling for the whole time while i was reading <3

•° — sounds like love to me by @neondiamond 14.6k | G | kid fic

“Do you want to hear the heartbeat?”

Louis watches as Harry’s face falls with the realization that this is one of those things he won’t be able to experience. For a second, Louis considers saying no, to show Harry they’re truly on the same boat through all of this. But he nods in the end, reaching over for Harry’s hand as the doctor flips a switch. Noise fills the room then, and it takes a few seconds for the sound to become clear enough for Louis to make out the baby’s fast heartbeat.

“It’s really fast,” he voices his thoughts out loud as he uses his thumb to tap against the back of Harry’s hand, replicating the rapid rhythm of the baby’s heartbeat. It takes the younger man a little while to figure out what Louis’ doing, but a huge grin breaks out on his face as soon as he does.

“Is that them?” He signs with the other hand, his own eyes starting to tear up when Louis nods.

OR: Harry is deaf, Louis is pregnant. They figure it out.

note: i'm not a fan of mpreg or kid fics in general, but i stumbled across the fic post for this on my dash and the summary sounded really intriguing to me, so i had a go at reading and it did not disappoint!! it was really sweet and fluffy but also so touching and heartbreaking in some parts. plus, i really enjoyed how harry and louis worked together and supported each other.

•° — this restless dream by @afirethatcannotdie 5.6k | NR | first meetings

“Hiii, I called earlier about the dogs?” he asks, taking a few steps closer to the desk where Louis is standing. He’s taller than Louis, with a dimple when he smiles and bright green eyes. There's a cute eagerness about his whole presence. “Do you have any puppies?” He’s a bit like a puppy himself, actually.

AU. Louis works at an animal shelter and Harry wants a puppy. Things don't go quite according to plan.

note: this was so so adorable and soft, especially since i have a soft spot for h&l with pets. i also have a soft spot for h&l being oblivious lovesick idiots and this was perfect!!

•° — all i see is you, lately by @runaway-train-works 2k | G | first meetings

Harry noticed him for the first time three months ago. He couldn’t not, really, what with the man being so pretty and all, and Harry remembers it well because it was three days before his birthday and he had joked to himself that seeing someone so gorgeous for three days on the trot must be an early present from the Gods.

Or

The one where Harry has a crush on a fellow commuter.

note: this one was quite short but so sweet and perfect and lovely!!

•° — the things i'd do to wake up next to you by orphan_account 36.1k | M | amnesia fic

AU. Harry wakes up to a pregnant Louis Tomlinson and a wedding band on his finger.

note: this fic was incredible, i'm always up for an amnesia fic and this one was heart-breaking and realistic but also sweet and fluffy as well :)

•° — this glorious mess by theweightofmywords 14.2k | M | post-breakup

His head lolls to the side, and his eyes float open to focus on what used to be his bedside table.

It’s empty now, devoid of the framed photo of the two of them. And Louis knows that he has no right to feel hurt, but somehow, this only confirms what this really is.

“This is the last time,” he cries, his voice breaking both from pleasure and pain.

“I know, baby,” Harry breathes, burying his face in Louis neck.

note: this is the third mpreg-centric fic i've read this month and... i don't even like mpreg?? but god the premise of this fic intrigued me so much, and it was lovely and emotional and beautifully written.

•° — BLAH BLAH BLAH there's a moment you know (you're f*cked) by @mercurial-madhouse 3.2k | M | spy au

Anyone impulsive enough to betray their country is either foolish or overly-confident. Louis’s too cunning for the former. So his inflated ego tips precariously close to the edge between pride and hubris. In sum: He may be an expert, (as proven by the .32-cal Beretta Alleycat Harry found strapped to his back) but ex-agent Louis Tomlinson will explode like a busted bullet misfiring in a broken gunbarrel if Harry can find his trigger.

___

Or, the spy AU in which Harry thinks he's prepared to meet Louis only to find he's not.

note: the banter and tension in this fic was so good and so fun!! i need moreee

•° — every lonely place by @ham-palpert 38k | E | time travel/alternate lives fic

Facing the fact that he’s been prioritizing his career over his relationship, Harry proposes to his longtime boyfriend Louis on a whim. But when yet another work emergency takes precedence over their plans, Louis decides he’s had enough. Harry goes to bed drunk and alone, and when he wakes, he finds himself in an entirely different world. Over and over again, Harry visits a lifetime he’s once lived, across time and dimensions. And wherever there’s a Harry Styles, there’s a Louis Tomlinson.

note: this was such a unique fic! and such an emotional one too, love the message it sends and the character arc and development was so good

•° — tick-tock by bubblegumclouds 6k | G | soulmate au

When Louis was born to Jay Tomlinson with a tiny 2 years on his clock, it starts the most beautiful love story. Even if things are missed, fate finds a way to make it work.

note: this was just so, so cute and fluffy and sweet! i loved it

•° — baby baby, you're a caramel macchiato by @missandrogyny 3.2k | T | coffee shop au

So, yeah, Harry doesn't think it's that far of a stretch to call himself a good barista. There are some particularly bad ones, and some particularly good ones, and, with his work ethic, his skill, and his charm, he'd probably be lumped in with the latter group.

note: this was so lovely, and i especially really loved the little section talking about louis' name and how it suits him!

re-read

•° — one shines brighter by @afirethatcannotdie 11.8k | T | wedding fic

“Hi, baby. You doing anything fun today?” Harry shrugs. “Dunno. Thought I’d see how I was feeling before making any plans.” “You wanna get married?” Louis asks. Harry’s face breaks into a smile, and he nods. Louis’ lips are just brushing Harry’s when Gemma appears in the hallway. “You two are in so much trouble.” Harry's wedding was never supposed to be the happiest day of his life. No, that was going to be the day after, when he finally got to start his marriage. Unfortunately his family (and Louis) have other ideas.

Featuring a pair of moms who only want the best for their kids, meddling sisters with too much time on their hands, and a groom who gets caught up in the fairytale.

note: i adore this fic!! it's so so so adorable and so soft and well written, and you can feel how in love h&l are with each other. so so good!

my own fics

•° — under your bed in new york 33.4k | T | exes to lovers

"We know you're still in love with Harry."

Louis' nostrils flared up. "I'm not—"

"Louis."

"I'm not!"

there are many things louis likes to tell himself. we broke up for a reason. it's been so many years. and of course, the classic: i’ve definitely moved on from him. but when he suddenly finds harry back in his life after three years, louis realizes he might be a little less moved on than he thought.

au; spilling coffee onto an ex, being set up on dates, and having a nosy puppy might be all louis needs to find love again

note: i didn't actually write or publish this one this month, but i did edit, revamp and make a fic post for it this month so i thought i'd put it in here anyway. reblog the fic post here!

[yetanotherreader]

Birthday Surprise

Type: One Shot

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Summary: On Dean's birthday, Y/N gives him a surprise which might just be a payback to his New Year surprise to her.

Warning: Nervous Dean. A very nervous Dean.

Fanfic Masterlist

A/N: Hey everyone. So this is my first ever fic so it's short and I have a feeling that it's going to flop so bad, but I'm still posting it coz shameless.  I'm really nervous, so I wrote one on nervous Dean lol. So, uh, here goes nothing.

ALSO ONE HELP PLEASE: Sis can't understand how to have that Read More Break using the mobile app. It looks very messy without it. If someone could help, I'd do whatever you say for fifteen minutes.

Gif Credit: Google

*

"Dean, relax! You're going to choke yourself." You say looking at your boyfriend's pale face while he fixes his tie as tight as he could, looking at his reflection in the Impala's window.

"I'd rather do that to you sweetheart, but right now choking myself sounds better than what you're getting me into." You roll your eyes at his adorable honesty, trying to calm your tickling nerves yourself.

"Overreacting. That's what you're doing."

"Y/N Y/L/N, you, miss, do not tell me that I'm overreacting when I'm literally a few feet away from your parents' house. Which, might I add, was your birthday surprise for me." He squints his eyes at you, pursing his lips as he turns to face you to show how grumpy he is.

"Well, sir, you proposed to me in front of your parents, just 24 days ago. I just met them, and you proposed! What if they hated me?"

"But they didn't. It was my new year's surprise for you! And no one can hate you, obviously I was confident about proposing in front of parents." He says with a smug smile, kissing your temples softly.

"Aw sweet. It's just payback. 'Sides no one can hate you too, Winnie." You say as you look up at him with a smile and gesture him to walk to the two storey house in front.

"Don't you call me that," He visibly cringes at the nickname you gave him in a drunken state, back when you two weren't dating. The memory bringing a small, nostalgic smile on his lips, "and well, you hated me when we first met, Y/L/N."

"That's not what you said last night," You wink at him for his first statement, just to see him blush at the memory, "Win-nie." You aren't the boldest one in the deck, but the rare times you are, it leaves Dean all fumbling and flustered.

"Shut up," He mutters, embarrassed as he tries to get the blush off his freckled cheeks, "Let's go and get this done with."

"Hey, you're talking about my parents here!" You say slapping him on his suit clad shoulder, as you both make your way to the porch.

Dean's sweaty palm reaches your wrist as you are about to knock on the door, as he looks down at you nervously. This is important to you both, to him especially. He knows how much your parents matter to you, how much you love them. Dean knows there were things going on with you and your family. He knows you've suffered a lot, had to grow up too fast because of them—intentionally or unintentionally—and you still have it in you to love them and make them a part of such an important time of your life. Dean loves you with all his heart, yes, but this is that one reason which makes him respect you a lot as a person. Family has always been important to Dean, he knows the value of it like most people don't. He knows mistakes happen, he knows it takes a lot to forgive, and you did exactly that. Without any complain. That's what you do, you just give and give and give without demanding anything in return. And Dean is certain, has always been, that he'll give you all the love you deserve, just like you have made it your life's goal to give your fiance all the happiness he deserves.

Even after your troubled past with your family, you couldn't get yourself to have any ill feelings for them. You know that they were doing what they thought was best for you, even though it certainly did the opposite. You never really opened up to your parents, like a kid should, but you know they see little of it and are guilty for forcing you into things you didn't want to do. You are working on your relationship with them, and it was very important for you to share the most important time of your life with them. Introduce them to the most important part of your existence. Dean. The man who taught you to love yourself, the man who taught you that it's okay to be broken, that you didn't always have to be the strong one. The man who taught you to cry again when you felt pain, which you had forgotten to do for years. The man who made you believe that you weren't a curse. The man you love more than life. Dean, your Dean.

"What now?" You scowl up at him, for breaking the courage you mustered to knock that door.

"What if they hate me? What if I don't even understand that they hate me? What do you think they'll do? How will they behave if they didn't like me? Will they tell you to not marry me? Oh my god, Y/N, what if they tell you to not marry me? What if they get you married to someone else? Look, I'm not taking that, okay? I'm not letting anyone take you away from me. But they're your parents, they're even scarier than you. They'll beat the shit out of me with a vacuum cleaner and—" You look up at your man's lightspeed rambling with an amused expression and shut him up with a chaste kiss on his lips. With your hands on his chest, you can feel his fast heartbeats and boy, is he scared. As you kiss him, and make circular patterns on his chest from under his blazer, he relaxes.

You break the kiss and join your forehead with his to look into his puppy dog eyes that remind you so much of his taller little brother, as you cup his cheeks. "You'll be fine." You say in a whisper.

"Promise?" He looks into your eyes, as he brings his pinky finger up near your face, like a little child asking for reassurance would.

"Deany promise." You entangle your little finger with his as you giggle at his childlike beauty. You peck his lips once again before searching your bag for something.

Dean exhale a heavy breath and is about to knock, when you stop him this time. "No please not now," he whined defeatedly, "I mustered a lot of courage for that Y/N, now you'll have to kiss me again."

You grin as you reapply your lipstick and bring one of your face-wipes to his lips, "You don't want dad to see my lipstick on your lips now, do you? He owns a gun," Dean's eyes widen in horror, as he rotates on his heels so fast, it takes you a moment to realize what he's doing, "No to the power of hell, Winchester. Where do you think you're going?"

"Uh..I...um... forgot my Impala in the shoes," You raise your eyebrow at his piss poor excuse of an excuse, "My shoes in the Impala." He grins at you nervously before looking down at his shoes. "Arghh, come on. Issa gun, Y/N" He groans.

"Don't act like you haven't seen a gun ever before, Dean. You literally sleep with one next to your head."

"Yeah, well, sorry I haven't ever been shot by my girlfriend's father. So yes I'm so getting out of here." He narrows his eyes challengingly down at you, the action you reciprocate. He finally breaks the staring contest realizing you aren't taking any shit from him. He slowly starts walking back to baby, ignoring your glare when the front door opens as he hears a woman's voice happily taking your name. "Oh take me with you, Luci" He mutters under his breath the nickname you gave to his biggest enemy, shutting his eyes tight.

"Who is Lucy?" A masculine voice interrupts his moment of nervousness as his eyes widen in fear at the gun-owner he knows the voice belong to.

"Hello, s-s-sir." He turns back to the man standing on the doorway, "I'm D-Dean. And Luci is, well" He smiles nervously, and looks over at you for some sort of help.

*

Damn, that was...idk. I hope you found it decent, and well, feedback would be really appreciated—positive or negative (Yeah yo gurl got guts for honesty). I kinda really wanna know how it was. Also if you wanna be tagged in this or any future fics, send me reblog/comment or send me an ask.

[veterveter]

Hey hey, it's gay bike anon again! I'm more than honoured to get my own tag!!! I definitely would like to keep talking to you <3 And only love for you too <3

I'll gladly wait for your response to my ask (or asks??? we'll see one day ehehehe)! I feel you, when people cite some of my text messages from a few months (or more) ago I'm often like "nope, nah-ah, that's not me, you're wrong". Same for older essays, I often can't believe I wrote those. And even with things I wrote late at night a few weeks ago, sometimes I'm like "I wrote that? That monstrosity??? Okay, I need more sleep before writing". (My capacity of writing in correct English grammar usually goes to sleep before I do, same goes for varied word choice). But sometimes I'll see this project I've worked on YEARS ago and exactly recognize the pieces I wrote? Since the ask would be fairly recent, I suppose I would recognise my writing style and word choice and since I didn't wrote it whilst sleep deprived (I hope??) I'm setting my chances of recognising it pretty high. But we'll see one day, the mystery will marinate for a while... [I am rereading this in the daytime, and this is EXACTLY what I meant, at night I make the weirdest word choices?? I’m definitely not changing it though because I might find it kinda funny]

I snorted so hard about the way you talked about your almost-name, I'm giggling here like crazy. Apparently my name means something alike 'dedicated to God', but my parents aren't really believers, so gotta love that. The meaning of my sibling's name is 'summer', but I'm the one born in the summer, whilst my sibling is born in autumn, oops. Guess my parents never checked one of those sites/ books where you can find the meaning of a name hahaha.

I love how my ask was so weird and chaotic that you sent a screenshot to a friend. I LOVE that she had no idea what was going on. Then again, I watched the semis (obviously hahaha) but I had no idea what was going on either... But honestly it was peak Dutch culture, water and bicycles, I would just add an ode to 'hagelslag' and voila, the entirety of Dutch culture summed up... [Also: if you don't know: 'hagelslag' is just sprinkles which we eat on bread, yes, on bread, we do not not only eat sprinkles as on cake or on donuts, like in any other country, no, we put it on bread. It's actually a really popular sandwich topping here. My ultimate favourites are the chocolate ones, but you also have them in several fruity flavours (like forest fruit) and anise flavour.] Thank you, perfect chaotic energy is an ultimate goal I strive towards *bows like I'm Victorian royalty or something*

You're absolutely right, it went EXACTLY like that. Specifically, I would be studying for my exams, explaining topics to myself like I always do, so I'd tell myself "The six possible origins of economies of scope are indivisibility, specialisation, marketing, research and development, GUESS WHAT.. SUBWAY DRIVER GANDÍA... ehhh... what was I doing again??" OR: "one of the most detailed and most used models of responsive regulation is Brathwaite's piramid. His enforcement piramid visually shows, nope not important, SUBWAY DRIVER GANDÍAAAAAA" And I'd laugh, continue explaining theories and calculations to myself until my focus started lessening again and my thoughts would wander off again. I am VERY glad I'm not the only one who thinks about it from time to time, and I'm glad you're not suing me for any mental harm yet.

Yess, those pictures I saw from Promising Young Woman look so beautiful and aesthetic!! I'll probably watch it somewhere after the 16th, because I'll most likely have finished my last exams by then. I'll tell you what I thought about it! Thank you SO SO SO much for all the luck wishes!!!! I had an exam last Friday and I absolutely rewarded myself, because it went better than I expected and I passed an earlier exam and a paper too! I didn't buy myself a tricorne (yet), but I did buy funko pops (my inner economist said it was 100% rational because it was a really good deal hahaha). I still have two exams to go, so I could always buy a tricorne for finishing either of those, OR. EVEN BETTER. I'll ask my parents (or my grandparents) for one for my birthday. I mean, that would be hilarious. They'd be so confused. They've never seen S3 and S4 of LCDP so they'll have no idea, even if I tried to explain it. It would be so incredibly funny (and really really weird for them), I am laughing like crazy just at the thought of it.

I've never been in Finland before, but those temperatures do not sound legal indeed. I have no knowledge of Finnish law, but maybe article 3 of the European Convention on Human Rights, the prohibition of torture, would work? If I was the judge I’d 100% agree, so we should all sue the weather sksksks. I'm glad to have brought you rain though (and that I apparently possess the power to do so - magic weather controlling pirate seems like a nice enough job to me)!!! I hope the temperature has become at least somewhat lower. You're right, climate change should just... stop... right away. The weather is pretty weird here, right now: one day it will be super sunny and (at least) around 27 degrees and almost melting away, and the other day it will be raining and I'll be wearing my warmest sweater. Like, why the extremes??

I love that I am able to make you lose your coherent thoughts (that's probably why we have one brain energy about Underwater, because I, too, have the ability to make myself lose my coherent thoughts). I'm glad for your faith in my impersonation of Martín. I even started Duolingo Spanish again, and now know the phrase, "Yo bebo leche" (I drink milk) which obviously would be very important to him. Now I'll just need an Argentinian accent to go with it. Leaning menacingly on a cane would be GREAT, I love the idea. I'll open job applications for a Denver. Maybe my cat could help me, she, much like Denver, is super loud and she is super aggressive towards other cats, so there is potential there. And guiding dogs and even tiny guiding horses exist, why not a guiding cat?

I always assumed I would follow a more... you know… legal... career path, maybe even literally a career in law. But, my accounting professor also showed us how to manipulate financial statements ("so you can notice when people are doing this", uh-huh sure, sure that’s why) and another professor of mine also said that a criminal career sometimes could be the more rational, rewarding choice over a legally acceptable career. So, I suppose I should not be surprised by this sudden change of career plans. I should have seen this coming. And what better way to be able to avoid the laws than by knowing exactly what they are and how far you can go. And if that plan doesn’t work out, the books of law I have (they’re combined in two huge hardcover bundles) are really heavy and you could probably harm someone with them if you hit hard enough… Well, I suppose you can even leave “hard” away, just by hitting someone softly with those books you can bring serious harm to them… Ah, and like that one professor would say: in this scenario it would be a rational choice to become a pirate instead of a privateer. Oh dear, not Arturito :/ Mutiny would seem like a good option, I’ll take over the ship and become Palermo the Pirate. Sounds much and much better than “Arturo the Pirate”, since that isn’t an alliteration, sooo mutiny is reasonable even for that reason. And then there’s the fact that it’s Arturo, I mean, that says enough.

YOU LOVE UNDERWATER TOO????!!!! I completely forgot that you posted that! It seems we do indeed already have one shared braincell energy my friend <3

Last week has been pretty good (except for having to make a test at 9:30, what a godless time, I’m usually barely awake by then ehehehe), I think I aced the test I had, got back some good grades and finally got my first Covid vaccination (and only shortly slight dizziness as a side effect, so that's pretty great). And thanks so much!!! For now I’m safe from Gandía, but somewhere in mid-July I’ll have to take an exam on campus, so I’ll might be able to bring out my inner Palermo then.

How was your week? If the weather is still unkind to you (well, also if the weather *is* kind to you), treat yourself to your favourite ice cream and a break every now and then <3 Do you already have holidays or hasn’t your academical year ended yet?

You’re also right - this is conversation and we’re friends now <3 And I absolutely do like cookies! I would say my favourites are american cookies (though stroopwafels are reaally good as well) but honestly there are only a few kinds of cookies that I don’t love that much. And anything with chocolate in it is GREAT. I do also love apples and bananas, though grapes (which I just had) are even better! What’s your favourite kind of cookie?

Also, I know I have been giving you so many prompts already, but I saw this one in that list you reblogged and it gave me so much Berlermo energy: you live in an apartment with your best friend. the two of you always fall asleep in each other's arms, but one day, your friend isn't there. they've fallen in love with someone else. it's your other best friend, who recently moved in with you. and that's when you realize, that those nights you spent together, weren't so platonic after all. I would love it if you’d write it, but if you decide not to that’s absolutely fine too, no worries <3

By the way, I was going to post this quite a bit earlier, but my laptop (unlike me) decided yesterday night, when I was finishing writing this, that it was time to sleep, so I had to quickly dump this whole rant in Google Docs (it’s almost two and a half pages what the heck) and I was busy all day so I only was able to upload it just now. I swear I can ractually espond faster than after a week :) Have a lovely evening, much love from the gay bike country <3

Heeeeeeey you are back!!! How happy am I to see my favouritest gay bike anon return to my inbox!!! 💕 [Author's note: You can tell I started this reply right away because you've sent me three or four asks since this one and one can tell you are indeed back hahaha]

Yeeeeeees this is how one makes friends!! You know, I was just thinking the other night of how "gay bike anon" shortens to GBA, like the Game Boy Advance, you know. Make of that what you will, but it pleases me to know that you can also have a cute nickname for your cute nickname. Nicknameception.

Yes, exactly that, "I did not write that, and if I did in fact write that.. No I did not." Also, "the mystery will marinate"??? That's an amazing word choice and some day I will absolutely use it for something, just you wait. I think it just goes to show that you should write everything while tired, haha.

Haha I love that naming convention for you. It may make very little sense, but....... but. Also, happy birthday for whenever it is, presumably in the nearby past or future!! Lots of love!! You're the summer child while your sibling is... a summer child, but like, different.

Since you appreciated my almost-name story, I'll reward you with the rest of it: so my name is Tuuli, which is Finnish for "wind". My mum originally wanted to name me Pilvi, which means "cloud". And then she was like oh no this child is not at all serene and cloud-like??? and thus, a new me. I'm glad she had second thoughts, although I wonder if having such an ill-fittingly chill name would've done anything to alter my personality? Nomen est omen and all. There's some kind of an alternate universe where all of that played out, but I'm glad it's not this one.

Yeah either you watched the semis and have no idea, or you didn't watch them and have no idea. There is no way to get what was going on there, I'm certain they themselves also didn't get it. I had no idea about hagelslag but thjipgnhefjpihjo that's amazing, I love that for you!!!! There was absolutely no reason to go there but you as a country just... did that. Amazing. Please have some and report to me so I can live through you. And also, you are absolutely legit Victorian royalty [or something] *bows in return*. Also, I do love how you say "I watched the semis (obviously)." Imagine if you didn't and this entire time I was tragically misinterpreting the nature and intentions of your ask and you were just rolling with it because you've no idea what I'm on about but are also too polite to tell me that. Khhhhhhh

Your brain has priorities!!!! And they're honestly beautiful. Well done, brain. Subway driver Gandíaaaaaaaaaa~~~ My brain is filled with Berlermo quotes that come @ me at random times during the day and leave me just a tad shell-shocked, remembering how it all went down. I'm eating my morning yoghurt and my brain goes yo te propuse fundir oro juntos, and I'm just there like :)))))) Real nice, brain.

Have you had the opportunity to see Promising Young Woman yet? Hhhhh it's so pretty, every time I work on this reply [it's a lot of times, okay, I'm very diligent about this, I stare at this ask and craft snazzy replies in my head all the time, that's why I'm so slow in... actually replying] I'm reminded of that. I'm not a very visual person but the colours and the framing... that was really nice.

I am somewhat glad you've not been to Finland yet, you must hit me up when you come visit, I'll take you for coffee!!! It's actually cooler now (bless!!!!!!!!!!!), the last... four days have been reasonable 14-20 degrees, after four consequtive weeks of 25+. Kkhhhh thinking back to it makes me feel a little ill, but now beret weather is back. I own a lot of berets, dear gay bike anon. I'm going to my university city for the weekend and I'm already wondering which beret(s) I should bring with me. This is an important decision with potential long-lasting consequences. I don't know if you've played any of Telltale's games (The Wolf Among Us and the first two seasons of The Walking Dead are the best ones, fight me), but when you make a decision and the game goes "This character will remember that." and you instantly go oh no what have I done??? That's how I feel about choosing the perfect beret for my city outing. But yes, weather extremes are just the worst. We've been having the longest drought I've ever seen here (it's still not properly rained, for the record, on Tuesday it rained for an hour or so) while in other places there's awful flooding. That's awful.

Ahhh I'm so happy you're continuing your Spanish-learning!! I took a beginner's course at uni in the spring semester, I'm going to take the next one when uni resumes in September. And yes, I'm studying it for LCDP. I mean I love languages in general, but I never had a particular need to study Spanish, until this year I suddenly did. I'm also Duolingo-ing it! Very slowly and steadily. Also, I adore the idea of your cat being your Denver. What's your cat's name??? What do they look like?? Tell me everything, you can't just leave it at my cat, you simply must allow me to meet them. Also, you know why guide cats aren't a thing? Because cats are the worst. I love cats, but you can't just teach them to do useful things. They'll do them if they want to. As I type this, my cat is trying to catch flies at my feet. Her name is Muusa.

I studied accounting for my undergrad!! So I can join you in [[[preventing]]] tax fraud and [[[recognising]]] tampering with financial statements. We can make a totally legitimate business out of it. No but truly, I'm certain we were taught some of those things with the expectation that our future employers would expect it of us. Capitalism is so fun :)))))) And you shouldn't be surprised, academia is but a stepping stone to crime, honestly. Any dark academia book will tell you this. You start out learning Latin and wearing turtlenecks, you end up with murder. That's just how academia works. And you seem to have already chosen your weapon... you're well on your way. :) Palermo the Pirate sounds great!!! I support your mutiny. I don't think I said, but this is my favourite word of the English language. Mutiny. Mutiny????? It doesn't sound very serious. It sounds cute, actually. I love it.

I'm so happy to hear you got your covid vaccine!!!! I had mine a month ago or so - I typed you a reply to the subway Gandía thing on the train ride back, actually. I was really stressed about getting it on my right arm, because I'm left-handed, and last time I got a vaccination (like a decade ago) they insisted on giving it on my left arm and I was sad :( But this time!! I got it on my chosen arm and was very pleased. So anyway, that was a segue. I'm glad you got your covid shot and were side effect -free!!!

My week has been good, thank you!! I went to my uni city for my niece's birthday on Monday, and as said I'm going back on Friday (tomorrow). So this time in between has felt like exactly that, time in between. I started reading Call Me By Your Name. I had my Korean class last night. Now I'm hanging out with my cat (she has stopped chasing flies and climbed to my lap) and talking to you. My holidays started already in May! And uni resumes in the beginning of September, but I'm a tutor for new students so I need to show up three weeks earlier for the orientation weeks. Yes, we do three weeks of orientation (read: three weeks of drinking). It's a bit insane.

Now I need to ask you again how your week has been, since I'm so slow. How has your week been?? Are you free from your exams?? When does your uni resume?

Stroopwafels are so good ahhh I'll have to buy them when and or if I see them. Possibly when I'm in central Europe but haha I can hope to be lucky and see them at a store with imported stuff, you know. My favourite cookies??? Omg maybe these ones - they have this truffle filling, and they're fun to eat (this is important in cookies, you see):

And of course they're Fazer. Because Finnish people have only one setting, apparently. Or maybe that's just me. But all cookies are great, honestly. I like making American cookies, that's always a fun pastime (and you get to have cookie dough, that's like half the fun). I've actually not made them for a lifetime??? Maybe I should, soon. I'll keep you updated. Also, brookies. I love making brookies, they're great.

I really really appreciate being given prompts, I hope you know that!! Thank you!! Consider me pocketing this prompt and maybe eventually some day theoretically getting back to you about it!! You're right - it has Berlermo energy. Insofar as either of them actually have other friends. :)

Thank you for this kind message, dear gay bike anon <3 I'd apologise for my slowness in replying but I think I'd rather you just assume that I'll get back to you, and thank you for your patience <3 Your kind and funny and chaotic asks always brighten my day. I hope you'll have a great rest of the week and just... all the nice and fun and good things and great vibes in life. All the best, dear gay bike anon <3 Take care!! And greetings from Muusa as well - she just yawned and I presume that means "greetings".