#It's 2:30am and I have to get up for work in four hours

[drifting-pieces-blog-blog]

Home Sweet Tomb

Summary:  Marc thought everything was done that needed to be done. And then he got the call. How does one deal with the last of a family.

Warnings:  Grief. Pure raw grief. Death of Elias (nothing grafic). Hurt comfort.

Word Count:  4814

Word Prompt:   Tomb

--

Going back was never on the game plate. 

Getting away was the only thing to do. Get as far away as possible. And he did. It was easy to get lost in the crowds of South America. The sands of the middle east. The faceless and nameless bodies of the marines. The disgraced and shadowy nature of the mercenaries. 

Lost in love with Layla. Lost in everything. So long as he never had to go back. He had no reason to. He could pretend that the place had never existed except in his nightmares. 

When she had died, Marc had spent a day considering his options before he had gone back. The plane ride had been a lesson in what it felt like to have the longest and slowest panic attack. The kind that snuck up on you and left you wondering why you were clutching at your armrest so tightly and staring down a long dark tunnel. 

Getting off the plane had been easy. He had brought very little. A single carry on bag with toiletries and a suit. He had rented a car taken the familiar streets easily. No maps were needed. Very little had changed here. Nothing ever did. 

When he had found himself in front of the familiar house, he had stared up at it with a sense of dread. Tall and dark, it sat waiting for him with pain and nightmares he couldn’t face.

It was her house. Even dead, he could still sense her inside it. He could see her sitting in her front room chair, a can or bottle in one hand and the look of a predator in her eye. 

He had refused to return. Wandering off, he had at last released the hold on Steven that he had gripped so desperately all this time. Or perhaps, Steven had clawed his way out through the open wounds. 

It was done now. It was all sorted. He didn’t have to face those doors again. The endless staircase of pain. The sound of banging on the door. It was all in the past. He didn’t have to go back. 

Until he got the call. Why had it never occurred to him? Why had he never thought that someday it would fall on him? Did he just think that one day they would be in this world and the next they would just disappear? 

Perhaps it was because of how he himself had viewed his own existence at certain points. To exist and then just fade into black. No longer a scar on the world and nothing to leave behind. Only a memory that no one really could place. 

The phone call was brief. Informative. To the point. Less than a minute long. 

It was early morning. He had been woken by the call and he had simply nodded and thanked the person for letting him know. He had hung up and lay back in the bed, eyes closed as he felt the rush of responsibility fall on him. 

He needed to call the family. The Rabbi. The Neighbors. The landlord. Oh, and the utilities and insurance and bank and funeral home and… 

“Who was that?” Layla rolled over and draped an arm around him lightly. 

Marc put up a wall. “No one. Just… Uh… Go back to sleep. I have some things I need to do.” He kissed her hand and slid out of the bed. 

He went about his normal morning routine. He felt a pull and he put up another wall, blocking Steven and Jake out. They didn’t need to get involved in this. 

He went to the storage unit. His space. His space where he could work alone and feel connected to a time when he was anywhere but back there. He found the little book where he kept all the contact information. Things he had never felt comfortable throwing away. Things where a small part of him had lingered on hope that maybe someday…someday… 

But someday was gone. The last trace of it was fading and his fingers lingered on the edges of the pages for just a moment…just this one moment when he was still in the here and now… 

He opened the book and pulled out his phone. He did what he does best and got to work. 

“No. The spare keys are in the back. Third pot from the right of the door. Haven’t moved it in years so it’ll still be there. Uh huh. I don’t care. Maybe… Let them decide. They know the place better than I do. No no… I’ll take care of it. Just call this number if you need anything.” He moved down the list. Giving orders. Making decisions. Passing off the tasks to those that were there. Those that could take it and get it done because he wasn’t there. Because he had chosen not to go back. Because he had walked off and forgotten…

“No. I won’t be there. I…I have work.” He lied easily. “Go ahead and do it without me. There’s no sense of postponing it. He wouldn’t have wanted to break that tradition. Yeah…. I’ll be there later. The weekend I think. I’ll clean it out.” He could leave it to someone else. He could just call a team to go in and make it all disappear so easily. 

Another wall and he felt his resolve solidify. He bought the ticket before he could back out. Before the weight of it all could settle on him. 

Returning back home at the end of the day, he sank down into a chair and looked up at her. Her warm smile. Her soft hair. Her trusting gaze that he had struggled so hard to earn back. 

“He’s dead.” He stared ahead. The number of times he had said that in the past several hours had been ridiculous, yet it still failed to numb it. 

Her smile disappeared in a flash and concern flooded her face. “Elias is dead.” He dropped a wall and let the information spread. He said it again. “Dad’s dead.” 

There was a beat. A physical jolt through his system as first Steven then Jake received the knowledge. As each processed it. Processed what that meant to them in their place and memories and individuality. 

Marc still held a solid front. He could hear Steven crying. Somewhere inside Steven was crying for a father that he barely remembered or connected to, but had still known on some level. 

On the outside, he felt Layla gently pull him into a hug as she brushed his hair back in just the way he liked and whispered words of comfort. 

In Jake’s corner of their world Marc felt nothing. He had shut himself away. A brief burst of rage before he slipped out and there was only Steven, crying softly. 

Marc numbly nodded. To whom, he didn’t know. There was still work to do. 

“When are we going back? The funeral and all that… Is’t there something about the first twenty four hours? I read somewhere…” Layla fumbled with a culture she had never been properly introduced to. Marc had never felt the need. 

Marc simply shook his head. “They’re taking care of it. I’m not… I can’t… I’m not going to be there for the arrangements.” He left it at that. It was easier to speak formally. Detached. He was only following the list of things he needed to do. “I’m going back on Friday to take care of a few things. I shouldn’t be long. I think I can get it cleaned out in three days. Cleaned out enough anyway.” 

“Friday?” She chewed her lower lip then nodded. “Do you want me to buy us tickets?” 

Us. A plurality that he understood well. A path he had not chosen. “Just me.” He corrected. “It will be easier.” 

She didn’t like that. Boy did she tell him so. She never had any issues voicing her opinions when she felt he was doing something stupid. This was absolutely one of those things. 

He shuddered as Steven also started to voice his distress. “Marc how are you going to clean out a whole house alone in just three days!” She demanded. 

“You can’t go alone! You can’t do this alone! We’re going to need her! You’ll need her!” Steven decided he needed to take over. Buy tickets. Get there earlier. Do things properly. He wasn’t thinking straight. The plane ride alone would put them there too late. Things couldn’t be delayed. A glance at the clock and quick math confirmed it for him. His father would already be taken care of. 

Steven pushed for the front. Pushed hard. 

Marc pushed back. He stood up and started to pace the flat. He was very aware of Layla watching him and ready to argue more. She was used to seeing them hold conversations. She was used to seeing them have mild fights and disagreements. She had once had to break up an argument between Steven and Jake over the stupidest thing. 

This… This was not something she had ever seen. A one sided fight of emotion and something that built until it threatened to crash all around them. 

“No.” Marc cut the air with his hand. “I don’t care. I’ve already handled it. What the hell do you think I’ve been doing all day? I SAID NO. YOU DIDN’T EVEN KNOW HIM WHAT THE HELL DO YOU CARE? LEAVE ME ALONE!” He kicked over a chair. 

Steven made a grab for front. A bold move that failed as Marc picked up a glass of water from the table and threw it. He watched it shatter, spilling the water across the wall and down to the floor. It washed away the thin layer of dust that had once been there. A layer of dust no one had known about until now. The glass sparkled, in shards, glittering in the light both beautiful and dangerous. 

Steven retreated. No. He was shut out. A wall had slammed up with the shattering of the glass. Marc felt the silence. The emptiness. The sadness and silent weeping inside now gone.

No one in the flat moved. He could hear the dripping water off the wall. He could feel the rage leave him and be replaced with guilt. “I’m sorry.” He whispered. 

Layla didn’t move, her arms crossed over her chest tightly as she stared down at the broken glass. 

“I’m sorry.” He pleaded softly. “I’m sorry…” A child lost and begging to seek forgiveness for something so small. Something that meant nothing but that felt so big in their world. “I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry…” 

He closed his eyes and took a slow breath, shutting it all down before it could run out of him like a burst damn. “I just… I need to…” He looked up at Layla, briefly lost in what he needed. He needed to organize. He needed to call more people. He needed to make sure it got done. He needed to rent a car. He needed to check his passport. He needed… 

The phone rang. He glanced down at it. “I need to take this…” He picked up and listened to the most recent condolences. “Thank you.” He nodded. Foreign yet familiar words crossed the ocean and he realized it was a prayer. 

He looked at Layla, who still stood by and stared down at the freshly washed floor. A memory of a part of him that didn’t exist anymore stirred and he recited the prayer with them. A prayer for his father. A prayer for his soul. A prayer for the friends and family. There was a prayer for everything. His voice carried the old words, stumbling over the parts that had faded over time from lack of use. 

Steven would have remembered them. Steven would have found comfort in them. A brief look of distress crossed his face as he forgot the ending phrase. Steven would know. Steven should say it. Steven should say it for them… He needed Steven. He was sorry. He needed Steven to finish this for him. Then the words came and he breathed easier. 

The prayers done, he gave more instructions and made more decisions. At last the phone stopped and Marc felt a hand on his arm. 

“Marc… I don’t think you should go alone… But if you think you need to… I’ll be here. You can call me every hour of every day if you need. I’ll be on the first flight there if you ask. But please… Don’t shut them out. Don’t shut Steven out. Let him help you. Let them mourn too…Please. Don’t run away again.” Tears glistened in her eyes. She knew about the last time now. Only what he had told her, but she knew. She knew it was why he left. It was why he had given up. “Come back to me. Please.” 

He wrapped his arms around her, holding her tight. “I promise. I promise.”

The next few days went by like a bad dream. He stared down at his phone until it rang and it was one more thing for him to do. One more thing and one more thing and then another and another. He collected condolences and prayers like baseball cards. Organized them and put them away into their protective sleeves. When not on the phone, he paced and flickered in and out. He was struggling to stay grounded and someone else, Jake or Steven he wasn’t sure which, took the hold until the phone would ring again and he pushed outward to answer. 

Steven must have been out because his face was wet and Layla was gently stroking his back. Marc didn’t know. The wall was too thick and he was missing time. He had shut off communication. 

Jake had been out. He knew this because he came to in the corner, his back to the wall and palms bleeding from clenching his fists too hard. Layla was out. Jake would not show his pain to her or anyone, but the signs were there. The body was in distress. The body was tired. The body was in mourning but could not decide how to follow through. 

By the time the dreams hit, the phone had stopped ringing. There were no more condolences to give. No more prayers to take. 

The Shiva had passed and Marc at last left the flat. Perhaps he had conducted his own Shiva. One to match the sort of life they had lived. Denial and failure to thrive. 

The dreams were simple. Standing in a room until Elias walked in. Silent with nothing to say, yet he knew everything that had ever been said. He would wake breathing hard and clutching the sheets tightly. They were not his normal night terrors filled with screams. These were slow and quiet. Easy enough to hide. 

On Friday, Layla looked up at the airport, her eyes scanning the sky as if she might be able to pick out his plane if she tried hard enough. She gripped his bag tightly. A single bag. A single set of clothes and essentials. Just enough to disappear into. 

“You promised.” She clutched tighter. “Remember that. I’m here. Call me. Okay? Every day. Every hour. Every minute. Just call me okay? Come back.” 

“I promise.” He hugged her and slipped the bag from her fingers. “I promise.” 

She whispered something softly not meant for him. Marc felt his head nod and he shook it to clear it. Whoever had heard it had responded and Layla watched him enter the building. 

The plane ride was a blur. He was vaguely aware of slipping in and out. Perhaps sleeping. Perhaps not. He didn’t know who had sat buckled in so tightly. Who had chatted to the couple next to him. Who had ordered the soda and not let him touch the cheap alcohol. Who had gone to the bathroom and had a tiny quick panic attack before cleaning themselves up again and neatly bucked back into their seat. 

On the ground, Marc followed the roads. Roads that never changed. Roads that he saw in his dreams. Roads that he still knew the names of and could trace on a map. 

Roads to the home of pain and sorrow. 

He pulled the key from his pocket. His key. A key he had kept all this time, still on the Chicago Cubs keychain. It was easier this time. He was numb. He was a body from a day in the future when this was all said and done. He just had to get there. 

He reached up as he passed the threshold. A hand instinctively reaching up to touch the mezuzah. His fingers lingered there as he looked into the house. 

There was so much to do. Furniture. Clothes, decorations, pictures, dishes, and things. Things and things and things and things. Lived in and used and waiting and abandoned. 

Marc moved to the middle of the front room and slowly looked around. It was all the same and all different at once. The table and chairs were there. The pictures on the walls were unchanged. But there was a blanket on the couch. A pile of clothes on the chair. Papers stacked on the table. Notes in shaky handwriting. 

He walked to a desk and picked up the top note. “Don’t forget lunch on Monday with John. Bring salad.” 

It was in his father’s handwriting. He set the note back down and glanced up at the calendar. Days crossed off, notes and events scrawled across them. All leading up to the one day that still sat, unmarked and unfinished. 

“I can do this.” He whispered. He needed three piles. Trash. Donate. ….What was the third pile for? He looked around. Did he want anything? Was any of it worth anything to him? 

Moving to a picture frame filled with photos, he remembered gazing at it as a child. Picking out the family members there. Putting names to faces. Enjoying the happy faces living out happy events long ago. 

His father had put up Marc’s school pictures. Pictures where, looking at them now, Marc wasn’t sure who was in them. He remembered a few. That one there looked very much like Steven’s big goofy grin. That one could be Jake, but he was pretty young there and Marc wasn’t sure if Jake had been around yet for that one. He certainly didn’t remember it but he didn’t remember a lot of things. 

He took out his phone and snapped a picture of a few of the pictures then sent them to Layla. “See anyone you know?” he captioned it. She responded with a heart eye emoji. Something Steven would approve of. 

Marc slowly went to the kitchen. He felt like a stranger viewing a museum piece. Afraid to disturb the dust that had settled. Ghosts lived here and they were angry. 

He slowly pulled out the chair he always sat in as a child. He sat down and stared down at the table. A glass half full of water still sat at his father’s place. His mother’s place was bare. It had been for many years now in his memory. 

He gave himself only a minute before he got up again and turned to the stairs. Up he went, closer and slower with each step. 

His hand touched the door knob and –

He was holding a trash bag down stairs in the living room. It was almost full and three other full bags were piled in the corner. Boxes of donation items were filled and piled by the door. 

Marc shook his head and stared down into the bag. Photos stared back up at him. People he knew and didn’t. People that had excused themselves from his life long ago. He looked up and found the walls bare. He was almost done packing up the living room. It also looked like his father’s study was cleared out. 

He pulled out his phone and found the day was gone. It was late but at least it was still the same day. 

“You didn’t have to do that.” He addressed to the room. “I can do this.” 

“You ever stop to think that maybe we can’t?” Steven snapped back at him. 

Marc looked around. A trail of papers went from the living room to his father’s study. He set the trash bag down and followed it. 

Opening the door, he stopped. The room had been trashed. Things ripped from the walls, tossed about, broken and crushed. The desk looked like it had been kicked over and over again until it was dented and cracked. The only thing untouched was the Torah. 

“Jake?” Marc picked up a cracked photo of himself looked like it had been smashed against the wall. 

“Well it obviously wasn’t me.” Steven sighed. “I had to… Well I put him in time out I suppose. I’ve never seen him such a mess. You should see what he did to…To her things…” 

Marc turned and stared across the hall to the master bedroom. The door was ajar, the light on. He could just make out a sweater lying on the floor. Her sweater. He knew it well. 

“I can’t.” Marc took a step back. “I can’t go in there.” 

“Yeah. We should um… We should take rooms.” Steven nodded. “I’ll do it. I’ll take that room. I can take this one too. I don’t… I don’t um…” His voice wavered and he took a slow breath. “None of this means anything to me. I don’t remember this. Can you do the… The kitchen? I liked it in there. I liked the… The window. I could see the birds…” 

“Yeah.” Marc nodded. “I’ll do the kitchen and living room. Maybe when Jake’s feeling better he can help with the living room.” 

Steven nodded. Not trusting his voice to speak. 

Marc sighed. “Take a break. You look like you’ve been busy.” He gathered up a new trash bag and headed back to the kitchen. 

Jake came to the next day after they had taken a break to rest. He sat quietly alone in the living room for a minute or two before the others awoke. When they had eaten a simple breakfast of instant oatmeal Marc had found in the pantry, Jake quietly picked up a bag and started on the living room. 

When it was time to move back to the study, Jake had disappeared again. He had not spoken a word since Marc had first uttered the news. 

When Steven moved to the bedroom, Marc joined Jake in the dark. He was distantly aware of the body moving. He could watch if he wanted to, but when Steven opened the closet to find all the traces of her still there, he closed his eyes to the outside world. 

In the inner world, Jake sat beside him. Gently, timidly, Jake took his hand and they sat behind the closed and locked door together. Comforting and protecting and hiding together. 

After it was done, they found Steven at the top of the stairs, looking at the closer door. A door that still had a child’s drawing and name written across it. “Marc’s Room.” 

Marc opened the door and walked inside. Perhaps he was hoping his father had converted it into a new study. Hoping his mother had burned it all in a last act of cruelty. 

He found it untouched. Just the same as the day he left. A pen on the floor by his desk. A partially filled trash can with crumpled up homework assignments. An unmade bed. A picture on the wall of a fish with one fin. 

He slowly moved to sit on the bed. Without a word, he lay back and pulled the covers up. He was tired. This was the only room left untouched. 

He woke the next day, still in his old bed. Staring at the ceiling, covered in plastic glow in the dark stars, he pulled out his phone and dialed. 

“Marc?” Layla’s voice was beautiful. It soothed him immediately. 

“I think we’re done.” Marc sighed and closed his eyes. “I can’t finish it. Please…” 

“It’s okay.” He could hear her clutching the phone as she paced anxiously. “You don’t have to do anything. We’ll call a clean out crew to do the rest. You got what you needed now come home.” 

“I can’t!” Marc sat up and looked around the room. “I can’t let them take it! I can’t… I can’t put it in the trash. I can’t… I can’t put what’s left of me in there. I can’t… Roro… There’s nothing left. Nothing left… I can’t…” He shuddered and curled up, drawing his knees to himself as he pulled an old plush bear to himself and clung to it. “It’s empty… So empty… I’m the only one left…” 

Tears streamed down his face, hot and full of salt. He had heard once that tears of sadness were heavier in salt than other tears. A dead sea flowed from him, staining his cheeks and leaving all the sadness in the world. 

He could hear Layla calling out to him from the abandoned phone. He rocked, fingers stroking the old stiff fur on the bear desperately. Each inhale shook his frame as he filled up and then came out in shuddering sobs. He knew she could hear him as he cried for the family that now lay in the ground. The family he once had. The family he should have had. The family he lost in one moment in a deep dark cave. 

She didn’t hang up. She listened to him sob for what felt like forever. At last she heard the sounds of someone shuffling around and the phone pressing back to an ear. 

“There are no more tears to cry.” Jake sounded exhausted. “Please… Come get us.” 

Layla found them roughly ten hours later, still in their old room, clutching an old bear and staring up at a drawing. 

The rest of the house had been packed up impressively so. All that was needed was to call a company out to take the trash, donations, and furniture away. But stepping into his old room was like stepping through a portal to the past. 

She didn’t know who was in control, but they all needed the same thing. She pulled them in and wrapped them up tight in her love. She was safety. She was protection. She was comforting. 

She held him and stroked his hair gently until he slowly came back to himself. 

“I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel.” Marc nuzzled her neck and she pretended not to see the bruised and scabbed up knuckles on his hands. 

“You don’t have to know. It’s complicated. You can leave it at that. You can miss them and still not be sorry. You can love them and still not forgive them. You can cry for what you lost. For what was taken from you.” She soothed him gently, rocking as she held him. 

Marc swallowed and nodded. “All of it… All of it can go.” He looked up. “Except that.” He pointed to the goldfish. “It’s all that’s left.” 

“Do you want any pictures?” She let him disentangle himself. “Anything else?” 

“No. No pictures.” He stood up and took the picture off the wall gently, his hands shaking as the wall was left with the shadow of the frame. “I want to leave.” 

“Okay. I’ll call the pick up services.” She watched him slowly leave the room, not looking back as he headed down the stairs. 

Marc stopped at the doorway. 

Steven reached up and touched the Mezuzah. He whispered something then they walked outside. 

Layla made the calls. She waited with Marc outside as the crews showed up and carted everything away. He handed her the key so she could lock up, he refused to go near again. 

The key was in a potted plant near the door, where there had always been one. 

They got in the car. “Do you want to….Pay your respects?” 

Marc closed his eyes. He did not want to go to the cemetery, but he was not the only one that may wish to say goodbye. 

Jake shook his head. Steven hesitated, taking a moment to think about it. “No. I don’t want that memory.” He decided at last. 

They went back to the airport. It wasn’t till they were in the sky over the ocean that Marc at last relaxed. “I promised.” 

“You did.” She smiled and took his hand. “Thank you… Thank you for coming home.” 

“Home…” Marc could not wait to see Steven’s books. To sit in Jake’s car. To watch the fish. To exist in a place he could return to over and over again. 

[moregraceful]

List five things that make you happy, then put this in the ask box of the last ten people who reblogged something from you. Spread the positivity!!

OHHHH thank you

1. I had a 10am ice skating lesson but it ended up being 10:30am bc Sharks Ice changed their Friday schedule and didn't tell anyone. I did MULTIPLE forwards crossovers on both sides and my backwards skating is getting better!!

2. Bc we were both there a half hour before public skate and my teacher is a very pregnant skating instructor who was born and will probably die at Sharks Ice, she was whipped up immediately by the schedule change, and then I got to hear about so much Sharks Ice figure skating drama. This made me happy bc I love mess. I really like her, I'm thinking of abandoning group classes and just working with her.

3. Tonight I am going to my first baseball game of the season!! SAN JOSE CHURROS HERE I COME

4. Got a request for a job interview on Monday :) nervous bc it's the difference going into a huge life change broke and going into a huge life change with a safety net AND it's a new-to-me position, but I'm excited to at least learn more about the organization and where I might fit in and happy that there is interest in what I have to offer.

5. I met talahu'i/@patrichornkissed yesterday!!! And it was so fun to hang out and I was so glad to meet her!! I was so nervous bc talahu'i is so cool and then when I texted like four different people, all of them were like patrichornkissed? The butch trailrunner who does podfic? Godspeed. I was like oh boy. But it went fine and let it be known I can hold a conversation!!!!

Thank you comrade 🫡🫡

[zemkzone]

I don't normally vent, but... TLDR: I was mugged in a city, a country, where I am a foreigner and the supposed friends who were helping me told another friend I was acting "entitled" to their help. It was heavily implied I had to APOLOGIZE to them. AITA or not AITA? I now have much bigger trust issues than I had last week.

Long version:

I've been living in the UK for almost 2 years, and I went down to London on Friday for a break from a stressful work-week. The first night went well, dinner and a show, and I fell asleep at a decent enough time to wake up early on Saturday for 9:30AM yoga with, for lack of a better term, friends of a friend. It was a relatively nice morning, so I decided to take one of the buses instead of schlepping my way down to the Tube (which I still call the subway most days coz, can you blame the proverbial Yankee visiting King Charles' Court?). I got off the bus in the City, what they call the business area in London as a whole, I have been made to understand. Google Maps told me it was an easy walk from the bus stop to the hotel where the yoga class was, but there were several alley/side road closures where the app wanted me to go. I was still on a nice, wide sidewalk, with few cars on the street and few people around me too. I paused at what felt like a safe intersection on that wide sidewalk, right by a modern glass building with CCTV hanging off it and CCTVs on the crosswalk traffic lights a few meters away. I was as far from the roadside as possible, and out of precautionary habit, I had my back turned to the road a little to protect the phone I had out in my hand. I was texting those sort-of friends that I was a few minutes out, and trying to get Google Maps to reroute me.

Suddenly, a black glove appeared in front of my face and my phone was snatched away by what looked like a man in an electric blue puffer hoodie, riding a bicycle on the sidewalk. I tried to chase him, but between the coffee I had to let go of and the duffle bag on my shoulder, it was hopeless. He disappeared around the corner I had been considering walking along myself, and I was left to ask for help from the four passersby at the crosswalk. Two of them happened to be a father and daughter (Brits, but also just visitors in London). The father wrote down my exact location and the time so I could report it to the police. When I said I had friends at a nearby hotel, he and his daughter helped me find my way to it. They didn't have to walk me in, but they did. "We'll wait here," he said at the top of an escalator, "and wait for you to give us a thumbs up if the receptionist has located your friends". The receptionist did, I signaled the two perfect strangers that all was well, and we waved goodbye as they headed off to continue their day.

What followed should have been an exercise in practicality. The boyfriend of one of those sort-of friends (let's call him M) and a hotel staffer helped me contact the police and cancel my debit card (which had been in my snatched cellphone's case). Two officers came to the hotel so I could give them my statement, etc. All the while, M sat with me, updating his girlfriend and the others who still continued on with their yoga session. The police asked me to take them to the spot where the crime occurred. M was still with me, and as we walked out of the hotel, his girlfriend (T) and more people than I expected (I'd only though I was meeting T and another friend I'll call W) came out to join us. I hadn't realized that a whole hour had passed since I'd arrived at the hotel. Their yoga session was over.

At that point, I was torn between (1) feeling marginally better because I had company who knew the city and (2) trying to keep it together in the face of everything that losing a smartphone in 2024 implies. After the police took down the added details at the incident site, T and co. asked me if I wanted to still go to brunch. I agreed since I needed to sit, was shaken, and, though I didn't feel it at the time, did need more than half a cup of coffee in my stomach. At the restaurant, I tried to stay in good spirits. Aside from T, M, and W, there were two people in the group I had never met before, and we were joined by yet another person. I managed to shovel down most of an avocado toast and an Irish coffee (I effing needed the boost). T and her friends had moved on from the usual "sorry that happened to you" and were playing catch up while I asked M where I could find my phone carrier and a place I could get a new phone. I'd come to the UK with the phone that had been snatched, and had only gotten a SIM-only plan with the carrier. I thought the practical thing, since I don't know how many more months/years I'd be in the UK, would be to buy a new phone, then have my carrier block the stolen phone's SIM and issue me a new one. M and I Google Mapped my options, added in my own hotel location so I could grab my passport on the way. I admitted that, considering everything, I (1) needed help getting navigating to those places from where we were and that (2) I didn't feel good enough to be alone just yet. We paid (I still thankfully have working credit cards) for our food and finally left the restaurant.

This is where, to my mind, the uncomfortable part started. Two of the extra 3 people (remember, I was only supposed to have been with T, W, and M, but they had a total of 3 other friends there too), and somehow what should have been a quick 20-30 minutes to get my passport from my hotel and then drop me off on the street with the phone and carrier store became 6 nerve-wracking hours with a too-large group. I said nothing when they started doing "for the gram" picture stops along the way. M went up to my hotel room with me when I got my passport. He took a photo of some passwords on my laptop that I might need when the phone or carrier store staff helped me with my phone. (In hindsight, we should have used pen and paper.) Then our group of 5 all went in what I assume was the direction of the two stores. W was navigating, and at that point, the streets were so crowded and I was getting very tense that I just trusted she knew what she was doing. In my mind, I kept replaying the mugging over and over, what I could have done differently, etc, etc. (I know what happened wasn't my fault, but at the time, I couldn't help it) and listing what I'd have to do first when I got the replacement phone and SIM. I didn't know T and co. well enough to tell them I was internally seeing red and trying not to spiral. Then, suddenly, we stopped walking... at a bubble tea place. I'd only vaguely heard what the group had been talking about as we walked along, since it seemed to be more Instagram/YOLO, etc stuff and no one was asking my input anyway. I smiled tightly and declined an offer for them to buy my bubble tea, opting to stand outside the store to work on staying calm. I didn't realize (hadn't been told) they wanted a break or anything, but I couldnt complain since I was literally dependent on them until I could get a new phone. We eventually got to the phone store, the last remaining extra person left, and I had to pay full price for a phone because as a foreigner I couldn't get on the monthly payment plans. T, M, and W, instead of just pointing me to the carrier store three shops down, came in with me and waited while I talked to the staff. At some point, W or T asked if I wanted coffee, and, while I thanked them for still being there, I declined the drink again. I thought they'd go off to a nearby café or something since I had paperwork, etc to fill. They and M never left. By the time I got the new SIM in the phone and the staff had advised me to go back to the store where I'd bought the phone to get help setting it up, M, T, and W were still there. They went back to the phone store with me, and T told me to stop being so anxious and sit down while we waited in the queue for assistance.

By then, it was almost 5 in the afternoon. The tech assistant helped as much as he could, since I was basically setting up my phone from scratch, but said I could do the rest with my tablet back at my hotel... or come back to the store with it before closing time so he could walk me through that part. T gave me a card with some of the friend-group's phone numbers, and she, M, and W still walked me to my hotel (I'm pretty sure it was unpromted, but my head was so foggy at that point from all I had done and still had to do). It turned out the hotel was a 10-min walk in a straight line from the phone shop. We got to the entrance to my hotel, I said thanks to them for being there the whole time, and they left. I handled grabbing my tablet and walking right back (in 5 min) to the phone shop to finish setup alone. The day ended with me exhausted, having a semi-functional phone that I'd have to wait to fully fix still when I got to my apartment (in a place I jokingly nickname the Shire) after the weekend, and crying to friends back in the States in a call over a lousy room-service dinner. I told them what happened, including my misgivings over all the YOLO stops, and they calmed me down and helped me a little more with fixing my phone.

I got at most two hours of sleep by the time the sun rose on Sunday morning... and then made myself presentable enough to meet A, the original London friend who had introduced me to T, W, and M where I first arrived in the country. I told him that while I was grateful for his friends' help the previous day, I didn't think I could go through that again. (I didn't exactly want to say "they're good-time people, but I don't know if I'd want the...awkward stops all over the place again if I were ever in another crisis around them.") What A said... upset me. T, M, and W had apparently complained to him that, while they still thought I was a lovely person (ah, Britishisms!) I acted "entitled" to their company the whole afternoon and was scowling too much. They didn't regret canceling plans for me, but I seemed "ungrateful in my human interactions with them". A all but said I had to APOLOGIZE to his friends.

I'm in my early 30s, with a no-nonsense, get-shit-done North American mentality and I'm aware my default expression, especially when I'm too tired, is RBF (resting bitch face, for those too young to know), and I feel terrible if I need to drag anyone at all into my messes. They're energetic and bubbly Brits in their late 20s. But they really could have left me at any point, just given me directions and left, and I would not at all have held it against them. Just like I was grateful and held nothing against that father with the kid who initially helped me after the mugging. Is this an AITA situation? Did I miss anything? Is this a subtle cultural/age/millennial-GenZ divide?

I'm still tired as FUCK, trying to get used to this new phone, and have a LOT of life admin to do suddenly after this whole weekend. If you have any thoughts or comments, whoever and wherever you are, feel free to say something.

[copperdaisy]

Yu-Gi-Oh! OC Week Day 2: Family

Not much time to work on this one tonight, because I have to be up at 4:30am tomorrow for work, so it is shorter than Day One's fill. For time reference this ficlet is set roughly four years after the first entry. And for that matter, the entire timeline of this verse is stretched out much longer than the Memory World arc; years instead of days.

(@ygoc-week)

Day Two - Family Word Count: 760 Characters: Sanura, Mahaad, Minkah Rating: G

Sanura jolted awake, her head swimming with nonsensical images and phantom emotions, remnants of a dream or perhaps a nightmare. They quickly faded as she took in her surroundings. Gloomy shadows cloaked most of the room. If she squinted she could just make out the shape of furniture set against the opposite wall. The overstuffed wardrobe, the desk in need of organizing, the chair buried in half folded clothes. She meant to put those away last night. There never seemed to be enough hours in the day anymore. Shaking off the lingering confusion she hauled herself upright and buried her face in her hands. What a wonderful start to the day. Ugh, she was so tired. Could she get away with another half hour of sleep? The thin sliver of sky she could see from the window was still more deep blue than the pale pinks and lavenders of dawn. The world was still quiet and peaceful.

Too quiet and peaceful.

Her eyes snapped open and immediately sought out the little cot nearby. It was empty. Tossing aside the sheet she half fell, half sprang from the bed. She almost made it to the door before her brain caught up with her panic. Pausing with her heart in her throat she took a moment to look behind her. The other half of the bed was likewise empty. A flash of pale gold drew her gaze to the hook above the headboard and she found the Ring glaring back at her. The sight of it was both comforting and unsettling: that it was hanging in its nighttime spot told her Mahaad had not gone far but she did not care to be left alone with it. She swore the damn thing was watching her as she pulled a shawl from the heap on the chair and stepped out. The shiver that coursed across her shoulders had little to do with the lingering trace of overnight chill in the air.

Outside the sky was a tiny bit brighter and there were signs of the palace beginning to stir. An oil lamp flickered past the doorway of the apartment several down from theirs before disappearing from view – Shada rising to meet the day. From the apartment to the right came the muffled sounds of chests being opened. A petty smile twisted her lips at the thought that Seth needed to have the hinges fixed. They groaned complaints almost as loudly as he did. But she had not come outside to mock the state of his storage boxes. Beneath the other noises of the residential block waking she caught the quiet murmurs of voices that chased away the jittery aftereffects of her momentary fright. She followed them to the little courtyard behind the flat. What she found there made her hesitate to join them.

Mahaad sat on the bench set beside the building with his head tipped back towards the coming dawn. Minkah nestled in his arms tucked against his chest, one small hand tangled in his hair. He was talking to him in gentle tones about the stars that were steadily receding from view. Every so often the toddler would turn his head to look where he was pointing but at two years old the subject of astronomy was a bit beyond his grasp. Their son was simply content to cuddle with his father. Even when he caught sight of her Minkah did nothing more than give her a sleepy little wave. Sensing a lapse in the boy's attention Mahaad looked to the side; the smile he gave her made her heart flutter.

Gods, it was one of her favorite things.

“I didn't mean to interrupt,” she said as she slid onto the bench beside them. Minkah giggled when she tickled the underside of his chin but refused to relinquish his grip on his father's hair.

“I think he was getting bored of the lesson,” Mahaad replied before pressing a kiss to her temple. Sanura leaned into the warmth of his side and rested her head on his shoulder, looping her arm around his. Their conversation trailed into idle chatter and then a comfortable silence. Minkah, having apparently been awake for an hour, soon drifted to sleep, still clinging to him. Eventually they would have to separate. Mahaad had his Court duties, and Sanura her duties in the nursery with the other mothers. But for the time being the three of them could exist as nothing more and nothing less than a family watching the sunrise.

What a wonderful start to the day.

[ghoulsbian]

i've been having a very hard time staying asleep at night lately. i've rather consistently been only getting two to four hours of rest a night. i go to sleep around 1:30-2:30am most nights lately and usually end up waking up around like 4:00-6am.

this is really bizarre for me. i have a pretty wack sleep schedule (i can go to bed from anywhere between 1am and 7am, sometimes at the end of either side of the spectrum, back to back). so, usually i sleep in until 12pm to 2pm. i take a few medications with sedative effects at night and they're supposed to help me get to sleep within a decent time after taking them. they don't always work too well because i'm supposed to take them with food but i frequently don't do that cuz i'm not very hungry at that point. (though, they do make the symptoms they're meant to treat a lot more manageable! so that's something.)

i fell asleep on the phone with my crush last night, haha. she was just sorta talking and singing and it was relaxing to me. it's almost her birthday! me and my family made plans to take her out the day after. i'm very excited! though very nervous. it's been a little bit since we've seen each other in person. i really hope she'll like my gifts i got for her. i got her a lava lamp (she's been saying bc how she wants one for so long now!!), a plushie of a character from a game she really likes, and an old authentic mint condition nirvana concert ticket (her fav band!!).

i've been venting to her about my sleep issues lately, and she's very worried. i'm not as worried i guess, i'm mostly just annoyed. lack of sleep really messes with my brain. it is a very big trigger for my psychosis to start acting up. i haven't really been hallucinating but have been a bit delusional and paranoid. ultimately, i am coping on the account of my medication, but it's still sort of hard to deal with. dissociation has also been a struggle this last week or so.

i just hope i can get consistently good sleep soon!!! i don't really know what's going on to make it so difficult for me lately. perhaps it's how dry my room gets? my room is really small and there's also a radiator in here so it can get pretty hot and dry. to combat this, i typically leave my window open. i've started putting a window fan in there too to get more airflow. i also have a box fan going at the end of my bed lol.

i don't really know what to do to make myself sleep better :( i tried taking a nap after only sleeping three hours the other night and i couldn't manage to fall asleep for hours. it also made me super super shaky afterwards which was kind of concerning to me lol. i kind of wonder if it was because i ate some quite stale cereal (cocoa pebbles) previous to this. though i am not sure if such a thing would cause an affect like that.

anyways i'm gonna try and get back to sleep in a minute or two here. thanks for listening to my ramble! i just wanted a place to get out my thoughts and maybe some updates on my life. i have a desire to create content for this account but am really lacking in energy and motivation due to what i've explained here. hope everyone understands!

much love to all! ♥️💫

[fitgothgirl]

I keep not updating because it's just felt like more and more of a weight the longer I go since the stuff I'd update about just keeps accumulating/progressing. But I'm just going to triage some things since updating on everything has apparently become a barrier lol.

Dealing with my four infections (quadfection?) is wrapping up soon; I've been on a total of five antibiotics for over three weeks straight, but I'm down to my last one and it finishes on Saturday. Been worried about how fucked my system is after all these since I've never been on antibiotics for this long, let alone five different ones (or even more than ONE), but I'm trying really hard to help out my gut microbiome. It's expensive but I've been having a kombucha basically everyday, and I've gotten some prebiotic sodas as well. Also I usually have a Greek yogurt everyday, and just am generally trying to eat well with lots of fiber and water.

Weight loss/fitness gains have been on pause during this, or technically even longer since the 10 days prior to all this was when I was in Costa Rica. Rest is good for all the fighting/healing my body has been doing with the quadfection though. When I got back I did lift a few times since I wanted to get back at it after the vacation and it was before the infections/antibiotics were getting piled on, but then I had a 2-week break from lifting until the day before yesterday. In between though I DID do a Zumba class, which was hard and I'm sure I looked like a fool but it was fun haha (gotta start somewhere!). The class was later in the evening so even though Zumba is popular, there were maybe only 10 people in that class, if that, so that was nice. I always need more cardio and just generally want to incorporate more complex/dynamic movement in my workouts because solely lifting can be kinda like tunnel vision for your muscles. I want more "real" movement, stuff you actually do in life, stuff that uses multiple body areas, etc.

Anyway, not feeling down on myself about the break or anything, my body needs it and it's been good to reassess things now that I've been a Gym Person for over 6 months. A little shake up might be good as I get back into things soon here. Even with the break, I've been trying to at least get in walks; I haven't been successful with my step goal most days and walking is just so good for everything... We're at the time of year where the season changes from day-to-day lol so when it's been nicer out I've been trying to jump on those days (rain is back now through the weekend though).

One thing I didn't even plan to work on but have just naturally fallen into since coming home is my sleep hygiene. Since Costa Rica is 2 hours ahead of my time zone, not only did I lose a couple hours of sleep, but everyday we were up somewhat early on top of that. And so when we got home, I woke up earlier than usual before work (i.e. not one minute before I'm supposed to log on lol), and I've just been keeping it going since then. I don't start work until 8:30am and I've now been waking up anywhere from 7am-8am. This is crazy for me since I've never been even close to a morning person, but the vacation gave me a bit of a leg up and I've just been riding the wave. I'm really enjoying the calm start before work, and going out and getting some morning sunlight in my backyard at least for a few minutes (Andrew Huberman fan here lol). I've even done some little dynamic warm-ups while getting that morning sun, like knee raises, jumping jacks, arm circles, etc. And all this sleep hygiene stuff means I've been going to bed earlier too.

Yesterday was really nice so I got out for a walk. The last year or so, I haven't been taking pictures as much on walks/hikes, mainly due to just trying to be in the moment. But I don't want to never take pictures again lol so yesterday I made a point to take a few. It's the wonderful time of year where everything is green and it makes me feel like we're in Scotland or something haha; albeit a nice summer day if it were Scotland. It's normal for Californian hills/fields to be "golden" for like 9 months of the year and it's even a symbol of the state, but I just love the green. 🥲 But yeah I specifically thought "I'm going to take pics to share with my fellow tumblerinas" so I was thinking of you guys when I took these. 😆😋

Bottom left is a plane-shaped kite and his idol, a real plane 🥺 lol

[alwaysahiccupandastrid]

It would happen to me that I spend a month and a half job hunting only to then get two jobs in the same week, both of them full time and highly demanding.

So basically I interviewed for a bakery retail assistant role and an unqualified nursery position, and after trial shifts for both I got them both, which I was shocked by. The timing of it all is so unfortunate; the nursery interviewed me last Friday and then invited me to a trial on Tuesday afternoon; the bakery then wanted me to come in for an interview and trial shift on Monday morning and so I agreed in case the nursery one fell through. The bakery offered me the position first on Monday, literally five minutes after my trial ended (god knows why since I felt awkward and didn’t know shit), and so I - rather stupidly - accepted it over the phone and started on Wednesday so I could still do the trial; I thought that I would get an answer about the nursery on Tuesday so I could have the chance to take it while still having the back up choice. Lo and behold, the nursery has accepted me and wants me to start next week, meanwhile the bakery has already put me on the rota for the next week and a half.

And now I’m stuck.

The nursery was my first choice, to be honest, and while I had been hoping to step away from childcare after working in schools and at daycare camp for the past few years, it would be with babies through to pre-school, which is a group I’ve not worked that much with (though I am good with babies it turns out). I have experience in this field already which helps.

The bakery job is selling bread/cakes/coffee as well as prepping sandwiches, cleaning etc. As I’ve discovered over my last two shifts there, I’m fucking abysmal at making sandwiches, keep forgetting things etc., but because it’s only my second shift I figured it’s just a matter of learning.

Hours wise, the bakery is 40 hours over five days, the nursery is 38 hours over five days (3 10 hour days + 2 half days of four hours); the bakery job means doing 6am-2:30pm/6:30am-3pm or 7:30-4pm, and while Sundays are off it means working Saturday with a day off during the week, which is a problem because in November I have a Saturday filled with pantomime performances (three of them!). Meanwhile the nursery is Monday-Friday, and the hours would for a full day would probably be something like 8-6:30 or something(?), meaning if I have a rehearsal at either 7:30-9:30 or 8-10 (evenings), I’ll have very little to no time to prepare or get my stuff ready etc, let alone eat anything, plus it doesn’t fit with performance days where I have to be in by 6pm.

I’m having to get up at 4:45am to every morning, so doing that and then having to stay awake until 10-11pm on days with rehearsals is AWFUL.

The benefits at the nursery (free gym membership, 40% off food/drink, discount at the salon/spa facilities on site) outweighs those at the bakery (free coffee/lunch), and the nursery pays 40p more per hour than the bakery.

The bakery at the staff are just, to my knowledge, so fucking nice most of the time despite me being useless and older than them, the manager is nice, and if I leave them it leaves them in the lurch and understaffed, which is so unfair on them. I don’t really know the staff at the nursery that well but I don’t think they’re horrible tbh, though they seemed absolutely exhausted and done by the time I went in for my trial shift on Tuesday afternoon.

The nursery wants me to start next Monday, but the bakery has a two week notice period so I would have to talk to both places and apologise profusely to work something out. If I don’t work the notice period then I could end up not being paid for the 34 hours I’ll have worked by Saturday evening.

I don’t want to go into childcare for the rest of my life, quite frankly, but the nursery has offered to pay for me to earn a qualification in childcare so long as I work a year afterwards (if I left before a year I’d have to pay them, which I suppose is reasonable), which would then mean I could be paid more in the future as I’d be a qualified childcare worker and not just an unqualified glorified babysitter.

They have a ball pit, a bunny and two Guinea pigs at the nursery - which I know aren’t for ME necessarily but I would get to go in the ball pit with the kids and see the bunny/animals so that’s a bonus

Travel to either isn’t really an issue as they’re both close, though the bakery DOES mean walking 40 minutes at 5am to get there while it’s dark in the winter

So… yeah. I’m feeling quite torn and lost right now, and I have no idea what to do.

[markliebrecht]

0001 - 20230725 | 25°C 🌓 | Status: 😴  

I haven't been writing lately.

Once a week I’ll write a newsletter at https://www.morningcoffeecomics.com, but aside from that I haven’t done any of the actual writing I planned on doing this year. I blame a lot of that on getting a day job when I was trying to buckle down and be a full time writer. I got scared that I wasn’t good enough and that we wouldn’t be able to pay the bills. I should have just got a local part-time in the neighbourhood. Instead, I took the first job I was offered. That was a mistake on my part. Now I spend 45 minutes in traffic in the morning, eight hours at my desk and then 55 minutes driving home. Usually, I’ll take five minutes just to rest my head on the steering wheel and question why I’m doing this to myself. Then, I’ll get myself together and make my way to my apartment to see my family.

I’ve been applying for jobs closer to home. Some I am way too overqualified for, but I think that’s what I want for the next year. Just something to keep me busy, food in the fridge and the rent paid on the first of the month. With baby 2 on the way, I want to be near by in case my wife needs support. I may even start freelancing or doing commissions so I can work from home again.

Also, by not wasting about two hours in traffic everyday, this will hopefully afford me the time & energy to do my writing again. My goal is still to self publish a novel and a comic book in the next year, so hopefully I can get that done.

In Other News 🗞️

We called in sick today. After that issue with the fire alarm at 1:30am, neither of us were rested well enough to be useful at work. After I made that post, the fire alarm went off again at 3:30am. We didn’t get back to sleep until some time around 5:30am or 6am. I woke up at 8:15am, made the kid some breakfast and texted my boss so she’d know I wouldn’t be in.

I applied for four new jobs today, plus three yesterday. I even reached out to a previous employer to see if I can do some work for them one a one year term contract. I’d like to spend some time with my kid this summer, but I’d still want to have a new job lined up by September 1st. Because my wife will be starting mat leave around that time, I’d like to know we still have some income rolling in.

I picked up my old drawing table a couple weeks ago, and now have a comic page taped down to it, ready for ink. I wanted to do a comics experiment with watercolours, but I think it will need some help from Photoshop.

[chaletnz]

Puno: Amantani Island

From the floating islands it took about another hour and a half to reach Amantani Island located further out in Lake Titicaca, and in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t seem too bad considering from northernmost to southernmost points in the lake the travel time is 24 hours! The island has 5000 inhabitants and they all must be married. However, once married there is no divorce so they must be certain. After three years together, a couple will either marry or split up as is the custom. For couples marrying, it will be on a Sunday in August. Everyone on the island is invited and will celebrate together for 7 days as your once in a lifetime moment to be the centre of attention. Everyone has a turn to be elected as the leader, with a new leader every year as chosen by the people for the people but if you’re not married you cannot lead. Work is strictly designated as either women’s work or men’s work which is why marriage is so important on this island as a couple must have the combo to contribute to their society. There are no police though so it’s a very safe little island! Communities come together to build houses for each other, all hands on deck to build a house from the ground up in 2-3 days, they need only to ask for help and have their materials ready to go. Our walk was a steep uphill climb from 3,800m to 4,000m above sea level and then we were at the town’s main square with a small shop that opened once we arrived so that we could buy some drinks and snacks. We walked for about an hour around the terraces of the island, stopped by a herd of sheep walking past at least three times. It was very peaceful and quiet, small paddocks with a handful of sheep grazing and sunny skies over the water - I took photos and think you could easily mistake the scene for New Zealand. We’d walked the full circle of the island and it was time to return to the peninsula for lunch in Llachon at Casa de Oliver y Sebastiana. They prepared two courses for us, pita bread with pico de gallo and quinoa soup, and then the main dish which was grilled trout with rice, chips, and vegetables. It was pretty good but gave me a little bit of a stomach ache afterwards. We watched the storm rolling in over Puno and reluctantly made our way into it as we were returned to the city. I dropped off my bag and then headed straight back out to get some photos of the cathedral before it got too dark, and also picked up some pastries anticipating a full day on the bus tomorrow to reach La Paz. I treated myself to a passionfruit tart as dessert too. I’ll never know for sure what exactly did it but at some point here I ended up food poisoning, it started at 10:30pm and woke me up at least four times to throw up. I had chills, fever, the works- but somehow I got through the night, made it onto the bus the next morning at 7:30am, and lived to tell the tale!

[coll2mitts]

#15 A Star is Born (1954)

When life unfortunately imitates art.

A Star is Born is a tale of addiction and fame that has four film adaptations that have nothing to do with the fact it's clear Oscar bait (although Judy did famously lose this one to Grace Kelly).  Did you guys know the entertainment industry changes and exploits people?  I surely didn't realize this until now, and that's why the academy has consistently rewarded movies that talk about how weird Hollywood is.  Y'know.  Cause there's so few of them.

I'm being glib, as this movie is probably one of the more sympathetic views of the big studio system, for all its flaws.  It focuses on Esther Blodgett, a singer in a touring band, and how her encounter and subsequent relationship with big-star actor Norman Maine changed her career, and thus her life.  This film is 3 hours long (it used to be both shorter and longer, for reasons explained later), and it *feels* that long.  For every moment of levity there are 30 minutes of pain, and while this feels tedious sometimes, it does a great job of illustrating the highs and lows of caring for someone struggling with addiction.  They burn so brightly in those small moments when everything is spectacular that it's almost worth slogging through the periods of grim instability that does nothing but foreshadow a bleak future.

For those of you unfamiliar with the story I will give a rundown below.  If you're curious how this 1954 version differs from the other three films, Be Kind Rewind has an excellent video that you should watch after reading this.  Seriously though, check out her channel, it's incredibly informative.

Esther Blodgett (Judy Garland) and the Glenn Williams Orchestra, lead by her buddy Danny McGuire (the adorable Tommy Noonan, who will forever be Gus in my eyes) have booked a gig during a benefit concert.  Norman Maine, a famous Hollywood actor, is supposed to perform as well, but he shows up drunk as a skunk and is having much more fun harassing the cast and crew than he is preparing to go on stage.  While his PR agent Matt Libby has correctly identified Norman is in no position to be in front of people, he tries to distract him by sending him to the dressing rooms to be interviewed.  This works for about 5 minutes until he hulks out and joins Esther and the gang on stage just for funsies.

In the sprit of 'fuck it, we'll do it live', Esther succeeds in getting Norman involved with the act as comedic relief, he gets the positive attention he craves from the audience, and everyone laughs like this isn't a big disaster played out in public.

Norman tries to thank Esther for saving him from looking even more like an ass by trying to get her to go to a second location with him.  Even though Esther finds this strangely sweet, Danny wisely helps her escape to their next gig and Libby takes Norman home to sleep it off.  That would be the end of it if Norman didn't arise from the grave like a vampire at 2:30am to hunt down Esther like she's his prey.  He finds her at a club on Sunset where her and her friends are rehearsing, and oh my god, it's so glorious.

I love Judy's voice; I get goosebumps every time I hear her.  She's such a powerhouse.

Also, FUN FACT: The composer of this song, Harold Arlen, scored Gay Purr-ee, so if you also think "The Man That Got Away" bares a striking resemblance to "Paris is a Lonely Town", there's a legitimate reason for that.

A now-sober Norman bombards Esther with metaphors about her excellence and gradually isolates her from the group by physically dragging her around.  Danny tries to separate them, but Esther leaves with Norman all the same to go back to her place and discuss her career goals.  When she reveals she wants to get a #1 record on Hit Parade, Norman retorts that Esther's dream is not big enough and she's wasting her time paling around with undignified gig musicians.  Esther is only slightly insulted by Norman's blatant disregard of the work she's already put in to get where she is, but buys into his promise to snag her a screen test.  Esther then breaks Danny's heart by quitting the band and asking them to move on to San Francisco without her.  Danny tries to change her mind by suggesting she might not want to trust a flake (no matter how charming he is), but Esther believes Norman sees potential in her nobody else has, igniting her desire to aim higher.

Of course Norman gets loaded after leaving Esther's house and his late night call to the head of the studio, Oliver Niles, is completely blown off as Norman trying to impress some broad he likes.  Instead, the studio ships Norman out to work on his next picture, completely abandoning Esther for 5-6 weeks.  Esther, never hearing back from Norman, moves into a cheaper place and gets a job as a roller skating waitress in an attempt to make ends meet while she attends auditions.  She manages to book a VO gig singing in a shampoo commercial, which helps Norman locate her upon his return because he recognizes her distinct voice on the television.  After tracking Esther down at the boarding house she's slumming in, Norman finally follows through with his promise and lands her a screen test.

This montage of Esther and Norman separating and reuniting is particularly bizarre as it is presented as pages in Esther's scrapbook - still sepia-tinted images with the character's dialogue dubbed over it.  It didn't feel intentional, as some of the scenes are live action, like a car or a bus pulling away from a building, or a shot of a woman's hand dipping into shampoo.  I initially assumed this artistic decision was to cut down the film's length, but the dialogue was still there, so it wasn't succeeding if that were the goal.  I later discovered the version of the film I was watching was the "restored" director's version, as the original wide-release had 30 minutes removed by order of the studio in an effort to cut down its considerable runtime.  Unfortunately, when Ron Haver, the film curator at the L.A. County Museum of Art, attempted to find the lost footage for the film's 1983 re-release, he discovered these scenes were truly lost to time (literally, as they could not find the original film reels).  Their "remedy" included displaying production stills with VO from the audio tapes they were able to locate.  Honestly, I think all of this particular section could have stayed on the cutting room floor, as it's a 30-minute detour that ends with Norman getting Esther the screen test, anyway.  I'm assuming these scenes were included as a way to show Norman struggling to help Esther despite his alcoholism, and Esther's new commitment to become famous.  We get those impressions through their initial interactions, so this not-so-little side-quest truly feels redundant. Later lost scenes, however, such as (spoiler alert) Norman's marriage proposal to Vicki, are pretty baffling omissions. I don't think the cuts robbed Judy of her Oscar win like Lorna Luft does, but it does fuck up the movie's continuity.

Upon Esther's first visit to the studio, the makeup department completely change her look after going into great detail about her flaws.  Norman hates the outcome and redoes her makeup to restore Esther's natural beauty.  Although Esther is nervous, she nails the audition and starts to book small parts, like those that require putting on a full face of makeup only to wave out the window of a train.  They even yell at her when they see her face, which is as blatant of a metaphor for being a woman in showbusiness if I ever saw one.  After the studio changes Esther's name to Vicki Lester, Norman convinces Oliver to cast Vicki as the lead in a new picture after their previous one bailed.  Upon release, the film becomes a wild success, and Vicki Lester's star quickly rises.

Y'know, I really want to take a tally of the percentage of the musicals on this list that feature their white stars in blackface or parody other racial stereotypes, cause it's more than I thought it would be.  Judy's daughter Lorna has mentioned Judy's foray into impersonating other races was "of its time", but I'm finding it incredibly exhausting and lazy that blackface is consistently used as shorthand for being poor or othered.

While the first half of this movie isn't necessarily incredibly upbeat, the rest of it goes downhill from here.  While Norman's newly released movie is getting terrible reviews, everyone is now obsessed with Vicki.  Feeling as though he's done what he could to introduce Esther to the world, Norman tries to leave her, citing he's an too-old disaster that will only drag her down.  Esther responds to this by confessing her love to him, and instead of Norman bailing, they quickly get engaged in the creepiest eavesdropping-est way on the back of the promise that Norman will quit drinking.

The pair first run to the head of the studio because apparently they need his permission to move forward with this doomed marriage.  Oliver gives his approval hoping that Vicki will be the positive influence that helps Norman stay on the straight and narrow. While Libby feels as if they're setting a trap for Vicki, he agrees to spin the story for the positive in order to give Norman some much needed good press.  Of course they exhaust any temporary good-will Libby was extending to them when the embarrassingly-named Mr. Earnest Sydney Gubbins and Esther Blodgett elope to a tiny courthouse to get married in secret.  When they reach their roadside motel honeymoon destination, Vicki hears her new song "It's a New World" on the radio as it reaches #1 on Hit Parade, implying that all of Esther's dreams have now come true.

They start their new life by purchasing an expensive house on a ocean-side cliff, only for Oliver to break the news to Norman that the studio has decided to let him go because of his inconsistent behavior.  Libby publicly plays it off like Norman is pursuing other opportunities, while in reality he's relegated to a house husband, making sandwiches, taking messages, and pensively putting golf balls.  While Norman seems generally supportive of Vicki's budding career, a delivery man calls him Mr. Lester and the bruise to Norman's ego sends him into a bender.  This starts to jeopardize Vicki's career when Norman decides to crash her Oscar acceptance speech by stumbling on stage and publicly declaring he needs a job. 

3 months later, Norman is in rehab and Vicki is on set filming her latest movie.  When Oliver comes to check on her, Vicki breaks down to one of the few people that understand her predicament, as she's both frustrated and scared by Norman's behavior.

Judy serves a heartbreaking performance during this monologue, with many speculating that this particular story hit too close to home.  Judy's life somewhat mimicked Norman's, as she was fired from MGM because of her inconsistent behavior as a result of her own addictions.  She was forced into the entertainment industry before she turned 3 years old, and even as a child was given amphetamines to keep her working and skinny. As she got older those habits became harder to break, especially when barbiturates were added to the mix to help her sleep. Most of her life had been spent earning money to provide for her parents, and then her own family, without the ability to choose if she could keep her pregnancies, or take time off after she was allowed to have Liza, in order to keep the checks rolling in for the studio. After years of constantly working with the help of prescription drugs, Judy struggled with mental health issues that the studio went through great lengths to hide, and the press was ecstatic to exploit.

Judy's husband at this time, Sid Luft, produced A Star is Born in order to cast Judy in this role and make the movie a musical.  Filming was difficult, but both Judy and James gave outstanding performances, as you feel the love between them while the heartbreak of addiction takes a toll on their marriage. Judy and Sid's relationship similarly didn't work out, as Sid confessed it was too difficult being with her.  Judy hated him toward the end of her life as custody battles kept her from her children. If you've listened to any interview with Judy or her kids, she was incredibly loving and supportive of them, valuing her family over everything else. She ended her life completely disillusioned with the same industry that lifted her up, because they were even more gleeful in knocking her down by depriving her of her own voice.

Judy is mostly remembered as a young girl belting out "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", or bounding around with Gene Kelly or Fred Astaire in romantic comedies, but this movie (specifically this scene) shows how underrated as a dramatic actress she was. The end scene of this movie between Esther and Danny legitimately scared the director, as Judy had never screamed on camera before. During Judy's eulogy, James Mason said "she could wring tears out of hearts of rock," and he's not wrong.

Upon Norman's release, he runs into Libby, who lashes out at him in frustration, leading to a physical altercation that Norman follows up with another bender.  After several days of no-contact, Oscar and Esther find him in jail on a drunk and disorderly charge after he crashes his car, and Esther begs the judge to let him come home with her so she can take care of him.  She puts Norman to bed and confides in Oliver she's quitting the business to take care of her husband and give his sobriety a fighting chance.  She has forced herself to believe that love will now be enough, and that Norman can be fixed if she can devote her time to him.  When Oliver protests because Norman's career is through, Esther reiterates she wouldn't have her career without Norman's connections and encouragement.  Unfortunately Norman overhears this conversation from the other room, and takes it upon himself to release Esther from the burden of being his wife by wading into the ocean and drowning.

As much as Esther wants to process her grief in her own time, her good friend Danny pushes her to rejoin the land of the living by attending the same benefit concert she performed at a year ago when she met Norman.  Norman was incredibly proud of the fact he discovered Vicki, and Danny posits he would be disappointed if she threw it all away because of him.  Vicki decides to show up at the shrine, and when she takes the stage to introduce herself as Mrs. Norman Maine, the crowd goes wild.  While they were dismissive of Norman and his disease while he was alive, they revere him and support Vicki after his death.

This is not a movie I would revisit often, as it emotionally takes a toll, but this is an absolute must-watch. Judy's performance proves why she's considered a legend - she's funny, flirty, hopeful, frustrated, heartbroken, and devastated, and all-the-while her voice is a goddamn masterpiece. James Mason similarly does a splendid job at portraying a charismatic and caring, but flawed and proud protagonist. I'm fairly uninterested in seeing the other versions, as I could easily be happy with this being the definitive telling of this story. Judy is absolutely everything, I don't know why anybody else would even try competing with her performance.

Thanks for reading!  If you’ve enjoyed this post, please consider helping me fund this project by donating to my ko-fi :)

[yourfavoriteweirdo19]

Chapter 2

(⚠ warning ⚠ mentions of SH) idk any other warnings but this is just mainly fluff😅)

(Y/N Pov)

"Yes, you shall show me around the school Principal Weems" I said as I saw Weems mouth turn into a small smile "Alright, Y/N let go" Weems said as she turned around and showed me where all the classes where at, We were now in the what they called a Quad "Here's the Quad" Weems said as I looked around "It's a pentagon" I said "I know, but students have been calling it Quad, anyways there are many different type of out-cast here the main four is Fangs,Furs,Stoners, And scales" Weems said with a smile as I got lost in her blue ocean eyes for a little bit "Those are fangs, known as vampires" She said as she pointed at the Vampires "That bunch of knuckleheads are furs, Also known as Werewolf you might want soundproof headphones when it's either a blood moon or full moon Darling" she said as she chuckled a little bit god it was adorable, and also I was very stunned as she call me Darling the name made me blush all the way to my ears and neck "I'm assuming that scales are sirens?"I said as I finally was able to talk with out messing up my words "Yes, You catch on pretty quick Y/N" Weems said with a smile it made her very cute, "And there's the stoners, They are very clueless if I say so myself" she said I laughed a little bit "Did Y/N Y/L/N just laughed!?" She said with a huge smile as she looked at me "I- well call not laugh ever" I said Weems just chuckled as a response

(A hour later)

I started to head back to Weems office to pick up my uniform and my schedule, As I was heading to Weems office I had my head down so I couldn't see who was in front of me I than bumped into a blond hair girl with pink and blue dye at the end of her head, " Oh sorry I didn't see you there" she said with an apologize look on her face "It's fine don't worry about I should be the one saying sorry cause I bumped into you" I said "Anyways, I'm Enid the gossip girl" she said as she smiled "Y/N Y/L/N" I said with no expression on my face "Anyways cya later" she said as she walked away I continued on my way going to Weems till I felt myself smile at the thought of her, Am I actually falling for this woman I wonder to myself, I finally got there after like 5 minutes I knocked on the door twice "Come in" Weems said with her beautiful voice that she have I nearly fainted to the sound of her voice so soothing so soft I open the door wide enough for me to slid in, Weems looked up from her laptop and when she saw me she smiled and pointed a seat next her on the couch (A/N: Yes she was working on the couch) I gladly sat next to her, "I came here to collect my uniform and schedule Miss Weems" I said in a formal voice trying not to sound like I like being very close to her "Oh yeah, I may have forgotten about that, Darling" she said with a slight worry expression but I just gotten even more red when she called me Darling "Anyways, They are over there at my desk I was supposed to take it to you, But it seems like I've been so caught up with work I seem to forget about giving it to you" Weems said "It's fine Miss Weems it happens to the best of us" I said with a slight smile "Oh please you can call me Larissa when school hour is over" Larissa said with a soft warming smile that I could literally faint to, Jesus why did I have to be into older women, I could already feel heat spread across my cheeks all the way to the top of my ears, "Alright, Larissa" I finally said her name repeated in my mind after I said her name it felt so good to say her name I love it, I walked over to her desk to grab my uniform "Y/N before you leave you have a therapy session tomorrow it starts at 10:30Am, So can you wake up at least at 9:30Am?" Larissa asked more like a command "Mhm" I hummed aa a respond at her words "Maybe if you don't escape your therapy session we might go get some hot chocolate at a very cute Cafe, I think you might just like it" Larissa said with a very soothing voice Jesus she would be the death of me "Alright" I responded to her offer I left the office and made my way to my dorm, after the long stairways up to my dorm, I finally got there I opened up my dorm, And turned on the lights while I had my schedule and uniform still in my hand I walked over to my desk, That I had in there, I placed my stuff on top of the desk, I walked over to the light switch and turned it off ot wasn't too dark the moon was shining though my window, So I was able to find my bed I rolled on to my side and fell asleep while the words that Larissa had said to me that night.

(10:00Am)

I woke up to the sound of knocking on my door I just had realized that I slept through my alarm that was supposed to wake me up at 9:30Am "Oh fuck" I whisper yell to myself I opened the door to find a slightly disappointed Larissa. You haven't realize what you were wearing for PJs

(The PJs Y/N were wearing)

(Y/N hair pretend that it's your hair color unless you like the color of it😅)

You had saw Larissa looking up and down at me, so I look down and saw what I was wearing, my scars were visible now my outfit have showed so many of your scars I looked back at Larissa "Sorry I slept through my alarm Miss Weems I promise it won't ever happen again!!" I said with a worry expression while looking up at her "Oh my dove, who have broken your wings my dove?, Here let's rebandage your arms, my little dove" She said with a soft expression as touched my arm softly, worrying that I will break like glass if she touched you with a normal touch, so she touch me lightly, and guild me to your bathroom she had taken off my old bandages, And replaced them with newer bandages she had saw all of the newer ones I created days before you arrived at Nevermore (*A little bit of your past* I've been bullied and laughed at called a freak and other name very harsh names that's why you tend to always escape your past school but you haven't been bullied since you've started at Nevermore so I didn't really cut yourself anymore you've only stop because you didn't want to lose Larissa) "There my sweet dove you should be good to go, Now let get you dress in your uniform, I will wait outside, Alright?" Larissa said as you nodded, did this woman really actually cared for me, I softly smile at the thought that she actually cares about me, She had walked herself out of my dorm, shutting my door behind her, as she waited next to the door, I got dressed into my uniform and walked over to the door, And opened the door and saw Larissa next to the door "I'm done getting dress, Miss Weems" I said to her, She took hold of my hand, And guild me to her car, "You don't have to go to the therapy session if you not comfortable about it we could just go to the cafe, And maybe just draw and drink hot chocolate" Larissa say with a soft smile, I nodded, Larissa took that as a hint that you didn't want to go to the therapy session, so she pull up to a cafe as she parked into in parking lot, She got out and slight jogged to the my door, She opened the door and held up a hand for you to take as soon as you unbuckle yourself, I took her hand, And she close the car door behind me as I hoped out, now you were walking up to the cafe in comfortable silence, when we got in we walked over to the worker there "Hello we would like 2 large hot chocolate please and also with 2 chocolate croissant please" she said in a very soft warming voice "Y/N, you can go find a spot for us to set down, okay" Larissa said, I let go of her hand, And found a spot next to a window, She walked over to the booth I had found she sat on the opposite side of me, my leg had started to slightly shake, Larissa had noticed that I was shaking my leg, So she put a hand on top of mine to help me calm down a little bit at least, I calm down and the shaking had stop as the worker walked over to us with the drinks in their hands she handed me my hot chocolate first and handed the other one to larissa, They than walked back over to the counter and picked up the chocolate croissant in their hands, and they walked back to our booth, I started drinking my hot chocolate, as they handed both of our chocolate croissant, We ate in comfortable silence there wasn't really anything to talk about, "Are you ready to leave, Darling?" Larissa asked I nodded I was about to pull out my wallet until she swat my hand away and paid for it instead "Thank you for paying" I said with a soft slightest smile on my face, looking up at Larissa, had she always been this tall?, I thought to myself, " It's no problem, Darling" Larissa said as she held onto my hand and guild me to her car, she opened my side of the car "What a gentlewoman" I said as me and Larissa chuckled lightly as she reached my buckle to buckle my seatbelt in even tho I could do that by myself, but I let her do what she wanted to do.

(A/N welp)

[bumblebeerror]

Okay so. I’ve been taking my ADHD meds before bed (4:00am) as an experiment for a few days.

My findings:

Section 1) Sleep:

1) sleep easy. I have never slept this hard in my life holy shit. Within 30 min my brain is perfectly in the sleepy zone and the best way I have to describe it is “blissed out but in a proper brain stimulation way”. The amount of brain activity and focus is perfect and will remain so for the next two hours during which I will feel a little warmer but otherwise be pretty much perfectly capable of sleeping as long as I’m able to lay horizontally in a somewhat comfortable position with my eyes closed for about 10 minutes. This is a vast improvement over my abilities to sleep before now, during which I either slept in far too late or woke up after four hours sleep unable to go back to sleep

2) ability to go back to sleep. The first night sucked a little but it was because a bunch of things weren’t ready for me to go to bed (that I didn’t clock at the time) and so I did end up waking up once or twice. Laying still for a few SECONDS was enough to go back to sleep even if I got up to pee or something

3) I wake up,,, AWAKE. This doesn’t seem like the crazy thing it is when I type it out but for the past several months I’ve woken up in a half-asleep state and slept thru several appointments. It was taking me two hours to get ready for work. It now took me 30 min max as long as I didn’t get sucked into YouTube shorts. Both days I’ve tried this I woke up in the ballpark of when I’m supposed to (noon) with zero problems keeping my eyes open once I did so.

Section 2) focus

1) focus not SUPER easy but I think that’s just because I’m not on the right dose still, and also still finaggaling my brain into working properly with meds because I spent about the past year and a half on either no meds or on meds that didn’t work. Overall much better than the last year and a half and I skip the slow part of the morning that usually takes uh… until after work to start working, and sometimes not even then

2) focus is inconsistent but that’s also just adhd for me. BUT, when I first wake up my meds are working properly, I’m able to get up and dressed easily, and the only thing stopping me is my willing indulgence of my own impulse to distract myself. Taking care of myself in the morning has proven EASY and that is a sentence I haven’t said in LITERAL YEARS.

Section 3) cons:

1) warm at night because of the stimulant means it’s a little harder to get comfy and stay comfy if I can’t fall asleep right away.

2) because they’re taken at 4am, they only last till about 10pm. This isn’t a huge issue tbh? It means I spent my evenings sorta spacey and tired-but-not-sleepy, but I was still able to focus on games and such with caffeine subbed in. I may not be able to stream late at night without it being an engaging story-driven game, but I also love RPG’s so this isn’t a huge problem. It comes with all the trappings of being not on my meds, but by the time that’s a huge issue it’s time to take them again, and it’s also forced me to have a consistent meds time (3:30am) and bedtime (4am) so I’m not procrastinating BOTH going to bed AND getting up, I’m actually medicated for both.

3) it does make my heart audible in my ears when I’m laying down more often, which is a problem I’ve had with taking naps during the day

4) not hungry in the morning. Fix: breakfast shake/applesauce.

[reincarnatedonthefirst]

I am in trouble, financially. This is the first time I've clearly expressed that (I think). I've always known, since my business failed, that I was in trouble. I saw the trouble coming 6 years ago. But I was in denial. I thought I could recover from it even though I had no plans.

Well, I can't say I was totally in denial because I knew I would have to start working a 9-to-5 again. But I was in denial about the fact that I would actually do it if it came down to that.

I've been able to hold off from working a 9-to-5 because I have savings. But my savings has been steadily dwindling. The time to get a 9-to-5 has come and gone. But still, I can't bring myself to do it...

I want to hold on to my freedom but I may risk losing all my savings to do that. It could take up to 2 years to grow my small businesses and side hustles to where they would make enough to cover my monthly expenses and credit card payments. By that time, my savings will be gone.

I hate this position I'm in. Nearly everything I worked for will be gone except for the my primary residence, rental property, and the mutual fund.

There are so many reasons why I'm trying to hold off on not working a 9-to-5. I want to make the right decision for myself...

I'm not at all a successful sex worker. I hardly get any bookings. The bookings that I get from my 2 regulars (and a 3rd I can hardly call a regular because he can only afford once or twice a year) make up only enough for groceries or a few bills in the grand scheme of things. But the effort I put into sex work is still worth it because it's better than having no income.

I'm in a difficult position. I keep waiting and hoping that something new and big will come up that will save me from this predicament. I can't keep betting on something I'm not sure will happen (for instance, I'm fairly certain a wealthy benefactor will come my way... somehow)...

Meanwhile, my brother hiked up his britches and took a job at an Amazon fulfillment because he knows he needs to make rent. Those assholes have their employees on their feet for 9.5 hrs a day, not including two 30-minute breaks for $15.00 an hour. But my brother is doing what he needs to do. The good news is that he only needs the fulfillment job until he starts a new part-time job he got, working from home. He's quitting AMZN in about a month...

But my health isn't there yet. If I took an Amazon fulfillment job, I would be slowing down the progress I've been making with my health. I don't even have the strength to wake up at 6:30AM every day, stand on my feet and then come back home at 6:30PM... F*ck nah. I'm definitely not there yet.

I just don't want to take up anything that would thwart my plans for financial independence. And it's very difficult to be financially independent unless you're building something of your own no matter what kind of hustle it is...

God, I hate this life... I wish I could share all of these troubles with Nigerian boy, Dexter. He understands would it means to be a failed entrepreneur. But I can never speak to him again. And I've gone through about four trash telehealth therapists. I don't feel like searching for one again. Maybe at a later time...

This post was good therapy itself. Shout out to all the women and black women that are doing their damn best to survive in a world that hates women and hates the working class. I know we can work for and get everything that we deserve.

[foster-the-world]

Help

Our daycare is closed for the first two week of July. In-laws kind volunteered for three days. My Mom comes on Monday. Very lucky to have the help. The in-laws don't like to get up early so they wanted him to spend the night for two nights. The first night he slept from 7:30pm until 8:30am. I guess he slept less last night so they texted to say they are too tired so would like to bring him home two hours early. One part - they are totally doing us a favor so of course he can come home. One part we need a sitter because I have a test next Tuesday and am in the hospital and/or with the kids all weekend. My mom doesn't arrive until noon on Monday - so that's also a half a day I don't get to study. It's not their problem and they have a right to be tired. It's really kind of them to volunteer at all. They took him to do a ton of really fun things. Plus, the undivided attention is great for him. At the same time we would have paid a sitter if we knew they were going to come home two hours early. They would be less tired if they took the nights off. We are finished by 5:30 each night. They could have hung out with him here and then gone home to have the night off. I think it's also a little frustrating because they certainly didn't expect my husband to leave his job early. It was assumed I would stop. My studying is just as important/necessary as his job. Thankfully, they are big feminists so I know its nothing gender based. Anyway, its only 2 hours. I do miss my little guy and will be happy to hang out with him. Plus, should be studying instead of bitching right this instant.

Rebel's been a lot recently. She's also been really obsessed with sugar. Huge melt downs every time we say its not on the menu right now. The same line we've used for four years. There are icee stands on every street corner which doesn't help. We haven't change any consumption rules. We've always followed division of responsibility for eating. It's worked really well for the most part. They eat a variety of food. Of course, I'd hope they would regulate their own sugar consumption more by now. I accepted that just wasn't their style so still need our help to regulate. I asked in a RIE parenting group for some ideas to tweak the sugar portion of DOR eating. I got some really great ideas. Things that have already helped a bit and some other ideas that will take some time. Most importantly, some reminders that the biggest part will be staying calm on our end. As always in any parenting group some commenters had to point out the problem was my lack of trust in my children. Or my deep need to process my own feelings around sugar and that I'm not "doing DOR as well as I think I am." Or that I'm in a panic. Someone asked if the girls were adopted (saw my profile pictures, I guess) and said adoption trauma can bring out food issues. Which didn't bother me but is also not the issue in this case. I think the downfall of any parenting system is if something doesn't work perfectly the true fans like to blame it on the user - rather than accepting different kids respond differently to different techniques. Anyway, I knew that would happen and didn't engage much with those comments. I got what I was looking for and already feel better about it. A big part of it was a reminder to stay calm and accept her feelings. She's having a hard time right now for reasons we haven't been able to pinpoint, exactly. Me also having a hard time with her big feelings is not going to help anyone.

[priscila-runs]

Week 5 of 20 complete! Here’s my diary of what I tracked, thought, and learned during my fifth week of training:

Did the math last week on food and realized that I must fuel more 🍕! If, per my various online sources, a runner should eat 20-24 calories per pound of body weight for every 1-2 hours of training, then I need to be eating around 2200-2500 calories a day. Since I’m eating about 1200 a day right now, my belly will be glad to know lots more company will be joining her in the coming months. Pasta, black beans, brown rice, sweet potatoes, lentils, bananas and yogurt are currently on the VIP list. Dreading the poop schedule adjustments but let’s cross that bridge when we get there, shall we? Daily log:

Monday: took the day off per my new schedule. Been reading Freud lately which gives me lots to think about while running. What a fascinating and (perhaps unfairly) misunderstood guy. Salmon, asparagus, brown rice for dinner!

Tuesday: FIRED UP. Banana beforehand. Five miles to start off the week. Yogurt after a solid 8:20s pace.

Wednesday: Felt a little more tired and groggy in the morning but managed four miles at 8:teens pace. I’m snacking a lot since it’s an easy and quick way to fill the fuel tank or whatever. Dinner was lots of pasta, broccoli, bell peppers, chicken. Yogurt and granola for dessert.

Thursday: Exhausted and woke up late (5:25AM) and antagonistic so I’ll apologize later, feeling bad about it now. Anyway, doing my hair takes a while and this morning it led to me getting caught up in conversation. My boyfriend told me that Freud says women are culturally stunted. I find that very interesting and even intuitive so I don’t disagree, but is it possible that men are stunted in culture, caught up in it and its materiality and that while women are dialectically attached to society, women experience and therefore feel beyond culture? Idk. I wrote about the conservative nature of women in domestic roles and the relationship of this dynamic to Texas society. Maybe Freud and I could have written something together in another life. Anyway, these conversations w/bae in the morning completely make my day 🥰 Went out the door by 6:30AM and came back by 7:30AM. It was a 2x2 mile tempo 🥵

Friday: Lunchtime run of three miles at 8:20 pace. It was a good run and I was able to sustain pace! Tonight my friend Sarah and I are going out to dinner and then a DJ dance party afterwards.

Saturday: wow came home at 2AM after one cocktail, three Modelos, and lots of dancing. I paid for it today with a three miles at ten minute pace 💀💀💀 but I had a complete blast last night so it was worth it 🪩 Did ten minutes of HIT and added stability stretches to do at the end of every run, but first I’m going to pilot them tonight before bed. Long run tomorrow. For the rest of today I’m going to hydrate constantly, eat a lot (healthy), and then to head to bed very early tonight. I know these efforts today will pay off tomorrow.

Sunday: 13 miles today! It felt fantastic. Woke up around 6AM and had a bagel w peanut butter and drank a glass of water and coffee. By 8AM I headed out with sunscreen lathered and my UCan gels strapped. At mile 7 I had to stop by a convenience store for a water bottle—investing in something collapsible will be crucial otherwise I’ll be lugging around a weight once I’m done hydrating. Next time I’ll take my gel at 40-45min instead of 1hour. By some accounts it’s important to gel before actually needing it. I’m out of packets so I’m debating trying a new kind or going with the same brand as they seem to be working fine. Form and cadence are essential!!!!! Improving these and also focusing on them during my runs has made the most difference for my speed and endurance. Since I need strong abs, arms, and legs for good form and cadence, strength training will be a big priority for me entering week 6.

Practicing mindfulness.

[hurtramblings]

Let's Get Personal, Pt. III

· 51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong? I have really tried not to, however there is one person I do hold a grudge with and that's because my wife left me for a complete clusterfuck of a delusional idiot and she had the nerve to rub it in my face when they were together only for her to be entirely wrong about the dumbfuck afterward. She's told me that he wasn't the one that broke she and I up and that our relationship was over well before then, I think she's lying but w/e.

· 52: What is your astrological sign? Gemini

· 53: Do you save money or spend it? I try as hard as possible to save it however I wind up spending it on something or an unforeseen purchase makes its presence known.

· 54: What’s the last thing you purchased? Food and I really need to cut that out.

· 55: Love or lust? It's always going to be love for me. I believe in the power that it has and the power it has to bring people together.

· 56: In a relationship? At the moment, no.

· 57: How many relationships have you had? One, I dated my ex-wife and she got pregnant and we got married and were together for almost twelve years when she decided that she no longer wanted to be with me.

· 58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue? No, I cannot.

· 59: Where were you yesterday? Same place I am Monday to Friday, in my bedroom and from the hours of 9:30am and 6:00 pm I belong to an employer that I work for remotely.

· 60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you? My "Mighty Morphin Power Rangers" Pink Ranger power morpher that is part of the Lightning Collection.

· 61: Are you wearing socks right now? I am not.

· 62: What’s your favorite animal? I have many but very partial to dogs.

· 63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you? I don't think people need 'secret weapons' to get someone to like them. You either like the person or you don't and that becomes apparent during the first meeting.

· 64: Where is your best friend? I have one in Seattle and one in Florida.

· 65: Give me your top 5 favorite blogs on Tumblr. 1.) @heavenly37 2.) @drawn2this 3.) @gentlemansssecrets 4.) @writing-prompt-s 5.) @elizabethxdanielle

· 66: What is your heritage? Irish, Italian, Polish, German, Native American, Mexican

· 67: What were you doing last night at 12AM? Wondering why I was awake.

· 68: What do you think is Satan’s last name? This is a silly question.

· 69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off? Many times, everyone has and anyone that says they haven't is lying.

· 70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend? From what I have been told about the kind of friend that I am, I think I would.

· 71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do? I'm saving the dog, I can always get another job.

· 72: You are at the doctor’s office, and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid? A.) I would tell certain people. B.) I would quit my job and start giving away my valuable things to the people that I know would take care of them and I would live like every day was my last. C.) I have always been afraid of dying... But from what I have been told or what I have researched, I think I would only be afraid for a very short time.

· 73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love. Love, trust is important but I would rather have and experience love.

· 74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it? Pass.

· 75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number? 9344

· 76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship? Communication, Connection, Commitment.

· 77: How can I win your heart? Pass.

· 78: Can insanity bring on more creativity? I believe it could... But I have never experienced insanity.

· 79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far? When I make it, I will update this questionnaire.

· 80: What size shoes do you wear? 13 or 14 depending on the shoe.

· 81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone? Pass.

· 82: What is your favorite word? Pass.

· 83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart. Strength.

· 84: What is a saying you say a lot? Dude

· 85: What’s the last song you listened to? Theme song for Star Trek: Deep Space Nine.

· 86: Basic question; what’s your favorite color/colors? Purple/Black Red/Black

· 87: What is your current desktop picture? LCARS display for the 1701-F.

· 88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be? The boy that my ex left me for.

· 89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on? I have nothing to hide from anyone, I have nothing that I would be afraid to tell the truth on.

· 90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do? Find the quickest way out of the bedroom.

· 91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power? Super speed or Super strength.

· 92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again? The birth of my son.

· 93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? My father's death.

· 94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be? My crush since age 15, Jeri Ryan?

· 95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? Nashville, Tennessee?

· 96: Do you have any relatives in jail? Not that I know of.

· 97: Have you ever thrown up in the car? When I was a kid.

· 98: Ever been on a plane? Of course.

· 99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say? Pass.