#Let me see.

[darkkitty1208]

Entry for Whumptober 2023, prompt no. 27: Scars & "Let me see."

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Iron Man (Movies), Doctor Strange (Movies) Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Tony Stark/Stephen Strange Characters: Stephen Strange, Tony Stark Additional Tags: Insecurity, Insecure Stephen Strange, Scars, Fluff, Established Relationship, Ficlet, Stephen Strange Needs a Hug, Established Tony Stark/Stephen Strange, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, sort of??? Series: Part 20 of Whumptober 2023 Summary:

Some mornings are gentle.

[i-am-still-bb]

No. 27

“You drew stars around my scars; But now I’m bleeding.” | Matches | Scars | "Let me see."

Pairing: Fili/Kili (mentioned Kili/OMC) Rating: Teen AU: Fast Car (formerly Dead Batteries) - Ao3 / Tumblr Words: 1076

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Warnings: self harm, scars

(and probably some typos and tense switching, I'll get around to fixing them after NaNo and before this goes up on Ao3)

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There were scars on Kili’s arms. 

They started out angry, red, and bleeding. He would press his fingers to them to distract him from his other feelings. The physical pain overwhelmed any and all thoughts including those about…

Kili dug a fingernail into one of the fresh scars and that thought stopped there. He most certainly did not follow that thread of thought and feeling to wonder what it would be like to…

No. 

He wore long sleeves even when it was warm. When he was asked if he was hot he just shrugged and said no. And that was that. 

Then the scars faded and no new wounds joined them. They faded to silver or a faint pink on his skin. And they were really only noticeable if someone were close and looking for them. Kili saw them. Sometimes they bothered him and he would wear long sleeves again, but mostly he forgot about them and no one asked.

Then Fili asked.

Fili had parked his car, the one that was held together with duct tape and hope, in its usual place near the shed. Hidden from the house by the shed, shielded from the neighbors by the tall wooden fence, and much warmer than the shed they sat in the car talking until they were not talking anymore.

Fili was sprawled on the back seat that was far too small for such a thing. His face was lit by the cool light of the security light that was on this side of the shed. Their cheeks were pink, eyes wide, and the windows of the car were fogged enough to filter that bright light to something that seemed to fit the mood. Kili had one hand planted on the seat next to Fili’s head, the other on Fili’s chest, a seatbelt buckle dug painfully into his knee. 

Fili had taken hold of Kili’s wrist, eyes closed, with a sharp inhale. He turned his head and Kili’s inner forearm. Then his eyes widened and his brows furrowed. “What’s this?” He ran a finger over one of the scars. 

Kili pulled his hand away, quickly shifting back and away from Fili until his back was pressed against the wall of the backseat with its small inset window and molded armrest. “Nothing.” Kili crossed his arms. 

The light cast start shadows on their skin. Fili pushed himself up, his bare chest rising and falling steadily. He pulled one leg up to better balance on the narrow seat. “Let me…” he reached out and took hold of Kili’s hand, pulling Kili’s hand toward him and turning it so that his palm and inner arm faced up. Fili ducked forward to see them more closely. “Kili…” his voice was soft. “When did…” Fili ran a finger over the scars.

Kili twitched. “A long time ago.”

“When?”

Kili shrugged and looked past Fili to the fogged and smudged world through the back window. “Middle school, maybe Freshman year.”

“Do you do it now?”

“No.” Kili exhaled and looked at Fili again. “Not in a long time. I don’t really remember when I stopped, but it’s been years.”

“Will you tell me if you want to start again?” Fili asked quietly.

“I guess. If you want.”

“I do.” 

“Okay.”

“I’m sorry I missed it the first time.”

“I didn’t tell anyone.”

“But I’m your best friend. I should have known.”

“I’m not your responsibility,” Kili said. “I can take care of myself.”

“I want to help.”

“I know…” Kili relaxed, moved away from the molded plastic wall. 

Fili had lifted Kili’s hand then and pressed a kiss to the palm and then moved to Kili’s wrist. He lingered on each scar, lips caressing the rough yet still sensitive skin. Kili shivered. It became a thing that Fili did regularly, a way of showing Kili that he was loved and accepted, even his darker parts. 

And then there was the time when they were supposed to be doing their homework and Fili had started doodling on Kili’s arm instead. With a red pen he had drawn small hearts and flowers on the scars.

And then one time he had drawn stars and galaxies swirling across Kili’s skin with gel pens. He had used a silver one, highlighting the scars and turning them into something beautiful. Kili had not washed his arm for a week after that. He had traced over the silver glittering lines and not thought about the pain that had caused them in the first place. 

After Kili left he had pressed fingernails into the scars again, remembering the pain, but he did not create any new wounds. He could only think of Fili’s sad and disappointed expression and that stayed his hand. The indentations from his fingernails faded quickly and eventually he had learned better coping skills. He started running, using a stationary rowing machine (a torture device that caused callouses and blisters that tore his hands apart), he wore a rubber band on his wrist to snap himself when he had the urge to harm himself—all things suggested by the school’s therapist.

And then he did not need them anymore. He did not have to remind himself to distract himself; it became a habit, just something that he did. On Fili’s birthday he would wake up early and go to the gym, he would make plans with friends. Later he would schedule meetings with the escort that he was seeing from time to time. But he did not have to remind himself to do any of those things anymore.

Now Kili does not even notice them or remember that they are there most of the time. Occasionally they itch and grow red and irritated, and sometimes they would catch in the light and were highlighted by the sun. He occasionally traced a finger over the thin lines and wonders if a tattoo could hide them, if he wants them hidden, and he feels regret for the boy he used to be, and glad that he lived to see himself get better. 

And he no longer lied if anyone asked about them. Fili’s acceptance had made him feel less shame regarding the scars and how they came to be, and that was something Kili carried with him even though it was a decade later. And sometimes he wished he could thank Fili for all he had done and all the ways that Fili had healed him without even trying.

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Taglist Everything @silvermoon-scrolls @metztliluaa-blog @i-am-pinkie

Fili/Kili @dubhlachen

[nikrei]

I keep seeing people use this image as a reaction to people's original posts:

Which I think is really incorrect, because with an original post they haven't come up to ur window, u've come up to their window.

So I made this, as a more accurate reaction for original posts:

[cloud-ya]

outcast of the village

[taffybuns]

if anyone has money to spare for donations, im forwarding more links for palestinian aid

CareforGaza is a nonprofit that provides direct aid to Palestine, and you can donate directly here

Operation Olive Branch is a document that lists evacuating families that need assistance, which gives information on the families, the urgency, and tracks the progress of their fundraisers

eSims for Gaza lists very clear instructions on how to purchase e-sims to keep them connected, they are urgently in demand

Here is a project that distributes feminine hygiene kits directly to Gaza

Mutual Aid Diabetes has channels set up for you to donate insulin and medication to diabetics in Gaza, as well as lists fundraisers for diabetics seeking to evacuate

please keep sharing and adding links on this site, please add more if i'd missed any, and please don't stop talking about Palestine.

[pixiemage]

Please, for the love of god, please don’t be this person. No matter how long it’s been since an update, no matter how many unfinished stories are sitting on their account, no matter what - do not be this person.

Not only is it insanely rude, but you also do more damage than you think be being such a self-entitled ass about something someone created for free and for fun. “This author” can see what you say.

RIP decency indeed.

[talaricula]

Things I've seen tumblr memeing about James Somerton doing à la "How did no one see how bigoted he was!" as if those things haven't been a significant part of tumblr culture for over a decade :

Presenting untrue and bordering on conspiratorial versions of (queer or otherwise marginalised) history without any sources

Completely disregarding and disrespecting any expertise on socio-cultural topics/humanities and distrusting academics and historians (incl. acting as if no academics or historians could be queer or marginalised)

Downplaying the role misogyny played in the historical oppression of queer women and concluding that queer men must have been more oppressed than queer women

Bi women are, at best, not as queer as "real" queer ppl, and at worst, simply equivalent to straight women

Despite nominal trans inclusivity, transmasculine ppl are functionally women when convenient (combined with the above, bi transmascs are functionally straight women)

Despite nominal trans inclusivity (bis), shamelessly attacking, threatening and actively endangering any trans woman who questions them or smth they find important (often by unfairly presenting her as violent or as a threat)

Having absolutely fucking wild and reductive takes about ace ppl, the oppression they face and their place in the queer community

Stating that marriage equality is an assimilationist fight while completely ignoring its direct roots in the horrifying consequences of the AIDS crisis for partners of ppl who died of AIDS

Praising western media creators from the past for queer coding even under censure and in the same breath condemning current non western media creators for being homophobic bc their representation isn't explicit enough

Blaming China for all existing homophobic censoring in western media

Assuming all queer media would be better told by western creators and by western standards

Only out queer ppl get to tell queer stories

Heavily criticising almost all queer media created by women or ppl they see as such (see above points about trans ppl) or involving/starring a significant amount of women for any perceived or real amount of "problematicness", but fawning over and praising and negating criticism of queer media created by and starring mostly or even functionally exclusively men (even when it could be argued that, you know, not involving/seriously sidelining women is a pretty clear example of misogyny which should probably be considered "problematic")

And I'm probably forgetting stuff or there's stuff I have internalised myself and don't recognise as an issue

Like idk but I feel like the takeaway from Hbomberguy and Toddintheshadow's videos should maybe be "be aware of such patterns in your communities bc they definitely exist" and not "this guy is uniquely awful" and I feel like a lot of the discussion I've seen surrounding this has been severely failing at that. Most ppl who've spent any significant amount of time on tumblr prob either have internalised at least one of those thought patterns, have had to de-internalise them, or have had to be extremely vigilant to not internalise them (which is done by, you know, seeking out other sources, which also seemed like an important takeaway from the videos)

[goldensunset]

did you know? if you do your laundry you can get your clothes back

[secondbeatsongs]

for anyone too young to know this: watching The Truman Show is a vastly different experience now, compared to how it was before youtube and social media influencers became normal

before it was like, "what a horrifying thing to do to a human being! to take away their autonomy and privacy, all for the sake of profits! to create fake scenarios for them to react to, just to retain viewership! to ruin their happiness just so some corporate entity could harvest money from their very humanity! how could anyone do something so evil?"

and now it's like, "ah, yeah. this is still deeply fucked up, but it's pretty much what every influencer has been doing to their kids for a decade now. probably bad that we've normalized this experience"

[cosmicallyavg]

the gasp i gusped when i just opened one of my words with friends games

[judeiscariot]

nothing i love more than pictures of drag queens with their boyfriends where they’re 6 feet tall in full glam six inch platform heels and a wig twice as big as their head and the boyfriend is a cool 5’8” and overjoyed to be there

[beldaroot]

there has been more moments than i can count in the past seven months where i felt destroyed by all the death and carnage i've seen due to the colonialism and imperialism of the world. but there was something in particular about hind's death that made me think the world would stop turning bc how could anything continue given how gruesome and inhumane her death was? and yet, the world did not stop. and i thought we were once again left to remember her story only in our minds as she became another number, as her murderers went on killing unpunished, and as her mother grieved with rage when all she wanted was to keep her daughter warm and as safe as she could manage in this man-made hell on earth.

however, hind, a girl who only got to experience her kindergarten graduation, is now being immortalized in universities across the nation. her story did resonate to the masses and we will not let her be forgotten nor forgive those complicit in her death. real justice would be having hind alive, but these students are showing that they will stop the world and burn the status quo it upholds to the ground if it means her people can truly be liberated.

[chloesimaginationthings]

FNAF 4 nightmares haunted all the Afton kids..

[doccywhomst]

tumblr glitch that hath rended my dash asunder:

free shitpost generator??? why isn’t this an official browsing mode. anyway here are my fav screen grabs, all hits no misses:

pure poetry. it’s like trying to tune into a specific radio station but you have giant lobster claws instead of hands

[the-holy-ghosted]

Girls will say "this is my beautiful wife" and their beautiful wife is just a weird looking man

[egophiliac]

was this anyone else's first thought, or