#Long story short I just aspirated on my own regurgitation

[warriormoustache]

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[snkret-photography]

Back to Me

Most people know that I follow an abridged variation of a Paleolithic/Ketogenic diet. It makes me feel the most optimal and reduces a lot of my inflammation and hormonal imbalances. Also I’ve never really been a big carb or grain persons so it was an easy transition mentally. This has just been what has worked for me to feel optimal. When I was younger, I ate whatever I wanted, when I wanted and proceeded to exercise like I was getting paid for it. I don’t have that time or energy anymore so my current lifestyle is well supported by my diet. And while I have a general label for how I eat so other people can easily digest it, I don’t particularly care to label it. I try to keep things paleo but Quest Bars are my crack, literally candy bars. I get one life and even if I reincarnate, the experiences in that lifetime won’t solidify my satisfaction in this one. So I still eat what I want, when I want but instead of focusing on the immediate satisfaction that it gives me, I focus on the long term gratification I can derive while still making sure I don’t feel deprived. It works for me and that’s all I worry about.

Recently, I started a new job, I’ll probably talk about that more in depth at some point, but it’s a very youthful workforce and the company operates in the ad tech space. Which means everyone is aware of diets based on the loose depictions they can find on Instagram; legit, no shade. I’ve been on my food protocol for about 2 years and over the past year have cut down to eating once a day, which I just prefer to be freshly made at home right before bed. This translates to me surviving the work day on coffee and water alone. Which translates to everyone having an opinion on their lack of willpower communicated through copious questions and declarations I’d rather not entertain. Like I said, it’s a new job. But whenever I glaze over the details of how I choose to eat, people immediately start throwing out buzzwords as if I remembered the definition and not the word itself. This is usually followed up with some variation of:

“They say that is/is not good for you because some bullshit study somewhere in some bullshit magazine somewhere else.”

I follow an eating protocol that works for me, my goals, and my overall health from both an internal feeling perspective and careful attention to medical markers. Added fact that I love biology which means I actually look at the basis of science studies to look at their original reasoning for deriving a hypothesis, the control of the study, who backed it, and the subsequent reporting along with the counter arguments. I.e. I look at the big picture and not just what “they say” as a basis for how I live my life and make decisions. How I eat works for me but it may not work for everyone else. I do a lot of people’s diet plans and I almost always start out with a list of carbs to intake. Just because I limit the type and amount of carbs I eat, doesn’t mean that everyone else would benefit from such. I may be an accountant but I am not a copy/paste formula. And “they” don’t know everything. Just because some people have made buckets of what Is and is not healthy does not mean that it is 100% accurate. They haven’t studied you and your bodies reaction to the blanket list that they’ve decided to impart on the public. And the public, being the public, has a low tolerance for research and assuming their own opinions; we all love when some stranger says something on the internet super convincingly and have broken it down in a manner in which we can regurgitate without much reference for what is actually said.

This isn’t a conversation about diets. And I’m no better for the flaw in which I’m pointing out. We all go to pseudo-authorities to help make formalized decisions for us on both short-term and long-term decisions. From what to eat, to figuring out our careers, choosing partners, relaxation methods, methods for creating happiness in our lives, and so much more. Consultation is one of the most common things we all do and we always tend to consult, directly or in-directly, those in which we believe have a stronger foundation in the topic than we do. You want career advice, you consult someone who has a career length or position in which you desire to. You want fitness or dieting advice, you consult the trainer or dietitian. More commonly you follow the person who competes on Instagram or ask your friend who’s always been skinny/buff, depending on your goals. You want to know how to navigate your relationship, you ask people who have relationships in which you aspire to. At least, in theory this is the manner in which people go about things. Everyone consults based on their immediate circle and the manners in which they trust other to help them navigate their problems. I don’t believe in monogamy, yet all of my friends in relationships consult me on how to secure their relationships and improve the quality of because they’re aware I'm going to advise them based on the value of our friendship and not my personal views on the matter. I know trainers that constantly tell their clients that to achieve their results, it require discipline and consistency yet their clients chief question, paraphrasing, is what they can buy to achieve that. So they in turn sell them accountability until the person can gain that for themselves and routines that are built around the person’s goals. At my gym there is a trainer who I’ve seen float the exact same workout to both men and women trying to achieve completely different goals, only changing the duration, intensity and repetition of the workout. That is so not how it works but that is how a lot of people work. “This worked for me or I have found x so it should work for you and anyone else who asks.”

This theme of listening to the “they” hit a real head recently. I greatly enjoy the role of devil’s advocate. No particular reason, it brings me joy and that’s all that matters. So going with the current is rather easy but personally, infuriating. I would go online to browse random sub-reddits and a bunch of jack-offs behind their keyboard were operating on a full level of knowledge, confidence and rudeness you could tell was in-organic. I would entertain a public discord on some newsworthy topic and was subsequently met with opinions that nobody could concretely defend. And all that diet shit I mentioned earlier. So when it was time to decide my next project, I didn’t even want to do one. I looked back on my recent projects and then broadened that to my entire works over the past year from the creation of this website to side projects I had picked up and was entirely confused. I had no idea what I didn’t like about everything as a package nor that impressed by individual projects. Even my posts were bugging me. So far from the course in which I originally set. And somewhere in reflecting on why people found it so appropriate to consult me on my own practices from an outside party in which neither of us ever regarded personally, something clicked. It’s been a very inauthentic experience. Sure I have some projects here that I absolutely adore. Yes, I have gotten to do something I love, work with people in the manner I desire, and develop my skills in a manner I never really thought I could before. Of course this has been a cathartic outlet with great growth and has had a visibly positive impact both in my and other’s lives. It has also just made me grow closer with a lot of people by opening up the realm of conversation. It’s dope. But something still wasn’t clicking. My writing was getting weaker and almost always derived from an emotional perspective. I kept trying to change my website and Instagram layout but could never figure out how to keep it in the manner I developed it. Photo-shoots had more to do with getting content out or making a quick buck on the side rather than developing an idea and creating a story from it.

I had developed a business and parts of my life on the advice and consultation of people who have no actual basis of authority. And doing things strictly to impress others or at the console of something others have an opinion on yet no tangible marker of authority is dissatisfying to say the least. I don’t like social media almost strictly based on not giving a fuck about the facade that people put on to have these amazing lives they don’t nor entertain the countless opinions of people who can’t keep that same energy. I originally designed my website in the taste of my ex-boyfriend who had never designed anything for public consumption or really taken any action on anything. Adjusting concepts and final visions on the advice of a person who just on-looks but doesn’t operate. Then I look at the approach I developed in writing to be more open in my communication about my emotions and life at the advice of all my friends who like to act like they have none, self explanatory why I should have not listened. Broaden the pattern, I had an abysmal living arrangement on the advice of people who suggested the money saved would be best long-term. In short, a bunch of opinions from people who have nothing to lose in the outcome. And it all just settled. I couldn’t take much pride in things when the outcome was based more on the advice of non-active participants than myself. Which was my own fault. I can consult the world but I don’t have to take the world’s advice. It was something I’ve always known and implemented in my life yet neglected in my business. Putting off projects because my consultants didn’t particularly like the idea or get it. Wondering if I needed to go back to the drawing board or if I wasn’t communicating it properly. But it’s not their project. They’re not putting their name on it and quite frankly, if they don’t like it then that is a miss for them. But if I put out a project I’m not invested in, then that is a lost for me that I will always have my name attached to.

So now, on the anniversary of my dive back into photography and writing, I’m going back to the original ideas. I will do things that I want to move in the direction I want. I will consult authorities and opinions alike but will make note of the differences and be sure I’m still just as invested at every step. There is no worse feeling than to have to live according to someone else’s version of happiness, success, and achievement. The manner in which other people live and operate are mere matters of comparison to derive what parts we identify with and which parts we don’t, constructing the best possible experience for ourselves. And I want to bring people the best that I have. I love what I’ve put out over this past year because no matter how good or bad something may be technically, personally, anecdotally, I have a record in which to document my growth. But what is the point of a goal if it is not consistently refined as you achieve it? So when I set out on the first year, I had a lot of goals with a lot of people who are no longer here. Now I have some goals for myself and at the forefront of them, and in the words of Megan Thee Stallion: What The Fuck I Want, When The Fuck I Want!

*And I’m still at the mall with your motherfuckin’ daddy, eh

[lucbinhhyacinth]

“Why are you so scared of writing when you’re so good at it?”

If you asked me in 2008 if I liked writing, I would have laugh at you and ask if you were insane.

If you asked the same question two years later, I’d tell you that writing was my life.

I loved writing poems, prose, and short stories. I loved sharing my pieces with friends and other aspiring writers. I was proud of my writing. I was happy creating my own world where I was in control of everything. I loved playing god to my fictional characters.

Then college happened.

Writing became tedious and mechanical. It was a process of well choreographed steps to regurgitate multiple authors’ writings into a mass of quotes to seemingly make a point. This process was so easy, so mechanical, and so boring. But that’s all I had time to write. Over and over again, writing the same things that I read. No creativity. No fun. Any hint of creativity meant you lose points in the first few semesters. Then suddenly, they wanted more. Even now, I’m not quite sure what “more” means. More technical jargon? Apparently, I either over explain them or I don’t explain them enough. A better thesis? An argumentative thesis? Ok. Done. But it’s always too broad or too narrow. I used too many advance words that it takes away from my argument. But then my word choice is too simplistic that it seemed that a high schooler wrote it. Too passive. Too aggressive. More is/are and less could/would/should. Statements not speculations. Wait no, you aren’t qualified to make claims yet, leave that to the professionals. Too many quotes. Not enough quotes. Is that even worth quoting? Build your argument. Too much focus on your argument. Summarize more. Analyze not summarize.

Everything is just too overwhelming. It’s never good enough. It’s always too much or too little. Either way, every paper seemed like a rant. Saying the same thing over and over again, but a little differently each time. And I haven’t figured out that balance.

To this day, professors tell me they enjoyed reading my papers, yet my grades are not where I want them to be. I’m always second guessing myself. Is it convincing enough? Have I made my point? Can a person outside the discipline/course understand it? Is it too long? Too short? Too whatever?

All those thoughts in my head make it damn near impossible to finish writing a paper. It’s never good enough or the more I think about it, the more I come up with better ways to write it or structure it. I make myself so anxious that I can’t write. A shit paper is a poor reflection of me so I won’t turn it in. I can’t. Now, I fear papers. I fear that blank page. I’m so scared that I can’t find what to say. It’s awful.

I want to reteach myself to love writing. To tell myself to just write. To find beauty and soul in words. Not only will this save my grades, I just want to create again.

[ianhiggs527969-blog]

Evaluation Of Dining establishment Sat Bains Along with Rooms, Nottingham.

Occupation as a Gourmet chef: An Appealing Choice for Young people in Australia - through JRM hospitality some of the most ideal leading company. So I 100% would certainly The Witness a couple of times earlier, obtained that a pair full weeks ago after going through the interview where he aspires to make something like GR, I in fact set up windows only to play this. I am actually not a huge problem guy and also this is actually truly the initial brand-new activity I have actually played in approximately 2 years. He was on opportunity for his visit, however was actually kept waiting for 2 hours in a little hanging around area with older magazines till he was actually called in. The initial step in conquering your pretentious designer inclinations is actually to pinpoint them as well as admit to all of them. Take note that in this particular scenario, Pretentious.spec _ for/minitest _ for is not required in the example report as the aim at courses are actually defined in the intendeds segment. Our team spend folks for their phrases, our company allow them to share the way they experience onto some canvass and we're willing to pay for millions because of some regarded intensity or even emotional state. Another phrase that is actually used in the Amount F System 2 vocabulary shop answers is words balance. To make a decision to attempt making a game that copes with deeper thoughtful concerns in a globe loaded with shooters as well as brainless video gaming is really a brave decision in my viewpoint. The ache pain connected with gout reaches in the evening, turning the skin layer red-hot and leaving the ostentatious joints swollen and tender for 5 - 10 times each time. After entering into the bistro, Leo spied a long line from folks he presumed were waiting on their dining tables. Banksy was actually alright when he started yet he has actually gotten to an aspect where he regurgitates saying would certainly political statements that folks already know. Many people along with bipolar II perform not experience hypersexuality, however this was becoming a complication for Wendy. Practically, whether a specific thing can be thought about pretentious is dependent on the onlooker. Several guys locate seductive Asian gals appealing nevertheless Eastern girls can easily commonly feel intimidated or even frightened by males off other cultures and as a result can come across as pompous or seem to be 'held up'. When David Bowie clothed like an intergalactic peacock as Ziggy Stardust (envisioned), several believed he was beyond ostentatious. Gout arthritis is a significantly painful type of joint inflammation - therefore uncomfortable that most individuals may certainly not bear the weight of a feather on the tender joint. The 4th game in the series focuses on the domestic connection in between Magenta's little girl and also kid. Saying concerning guidelines, requirements and also wrong or even ideal ways from performing factors is one way of speaking about the amateur as well as the expert; social classifications that create pretentiousness an even knottier issue. The staff gave them the most extensive laminated as well as most sophisticated food selection Leo had actually ever viewed and then poured 2 large glasses from fresh produced iced tea. You can pass the stem by means of the fire or even leave this in boiled water for 30 few seconds, after you cut the stem 2 ins listed below completion. Yet some folks do not like that. everything things regarding infants and davinci is guesswork on your component. Yes, I assume we may all of concede they are among the absolute most ostentatious factors in the world. When that's point is actually to remove as a lot of pretenses off art as possible, I think it is actually amusing just how contemporary craft is frequently found as pompous. The thugs from the lily possess their other opening phase, that the bloom stays in water over 1, possibly 2 weeks. Makes it simple to incorporate activities like Park My Cars and truck as well as 4 Tire Madness to your Weblog, MySpace or even Facebook web page, and beyond so you can play on your very own site or page! If you cherished this write-up and you would like to acquire far more details about mountains of mourne song (actuarcomoesnormal.info) kindly pay a visit to our own web-page. Fine art utilizing photographs frequently attempts to prompt a feeling/emotion coming from the viewer, which candidly claimed is actually over half-a-millenia outdated paintings from some dudes or even 3 apples and also a banana. 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But cases to ordinariness and also salt-of-the-earth virtue are on their own pretentious. Occasionally wealthy people produce fine art for other rich folks, but that has actually held true for a very long time. That's still only a paint of pair of people with second best regarding it which your ordinary halfway decent knowledgeable painter nowadays (which our team have plenty in this particular day as well as grow older) could create as well as create better. Yet beyond the job titles, a considerable amount of developers come across as pretentious with all of their language. Nowadays trying to oblige individuals to accept disruption is actually merely visiting turn all of them off more. I really feel that with numerous terrific characters throughout guide that everybody will certainly have the ability to find somebody they can easily connect to. I additionally feel this will be the case as the handful from individuals who have read that until now all have had different characters for whom they have actually associated with directly or adored and even detested. I don't possess a disagreement for The Diamond Sutra make use of or delivery, I merely adore it a lot, you can never ever know exactly what is actually visiting reach your heartstrings, some films are hrs of fresh unhappiness and never shake a singular tear from me, the end of this particular challenge activity performed and that's all I may say. My estimate is you were merely possessing a stab due to the fact that some individuals speak in different ways to you. The pretentious jewel will definitely after that analyze exactly what procedures are called, just how it is created and generate exam situations for this. However virtually any individual could see the further significance behind this story which's what stops it off being actually ostentatious. The result is to combine the techniques of programmed understanding and activity having fun to take care of the advertising message in customers' minds. The pompous imperfections of others affirm your own intellectual or even aesthetic competence. When that's point is actually to get rid of as numerous pretenses coming from craft as feasible, I assume it is actually funny exactly how modern craft is actually usually seen as pretentious. The criminals from the lily possess their different opening stage, that the floral resides in water over 1, maybe 2 weeks. Creates it easy to incorporate games like Park My Car and also 4 Wheel Madness to your Blog, MySpace or Facebook page, and also beyond thus you can easily play on your own site or even web page! To advise a person is actually pompous is actually to state they're behaving in methods they are actually certainly not applied for through encounter or even economic status". As the greatest treatment, reduced the stem till the eco-friendly component, put this in high flower holder, filled up just for 3 quarts along with water and also include a decrease of bleaching material.

[smokeybrandcompositions]

Youth Culture

I’m 33. My brother is 26. Our father was a drug addict and our mother was in a decade long depression spiral. I essentially raised him. Still am, technically. My brother dates a 19 year old. She friended me on Facebook. That was a mistake. She posts so much, man. So much… And she thinks it’s so profound but she’s only 19. She doesn’t know a goddamn thing about life. Like, she’s depressed and suicidal and has social anxiety and whatever else there’s a pill for that the generation after mine takes to avoid problems or personal responsibility. Somehow, that makes her believe she’s far more progressive, more advanced, than her peers. This chick posts her entire life on Facebook. Every little thing that pops in her head, online. Memes, short stories, weird little nonsense arguments, arm chair activism, #Woke bullsh*t; all of those shenanigans children yell because they want to be heard and it’s all goddamn annoying. As a 30 year old watching this happen, watching her try and assert her immaturity as adulthood, I realize that we, as 19 year old, shouldn’t have a say in anything. The things she says are just regurgitated SJW narrative There’s no soul, no truth behind them Like, she posts sh*t specifically to troll Randoms or seeking validation. Her lack of self is both startling and sad to me. Mostly, it’s just frustrating because my brother is mad infatuated with this trainwreck.  

She once tried to convince me that my brother drugged her so she would stay up for sex, only to have him finish and fall asleep, leaving her alone and overstimulated. She had work that day. Apparently the plan was to go a full 24 hours on no sleep while working a 10pm to 2am shift at a busy bar/restaurant. She didn’t go to work that night. Or ever again. Because of the other things on this list.

When I first met her, I thought she was far more progressive than she is. Living with her for a few months, I believe she is a testament to her peer group, but she’s still a goddamn moron. Kid’s thrown literal tantrums about something someone said to her. She fought with my brother over breadsticks, eventually punching a whole in my wall over breadsticks. She lies constantly about circumstances to garner sympathy by perpetuating a personal victim narrative. She is willingly petty. She is knowingly reckless. She uses her mental illness as a pass for her sh*tty behavior. Nothing is ever her fault and she ducks personal responsibility like it’s the f*cking plague. Everything is always someone else’s fault or in the works or whatever but when I leave for work, she sleep on my floor and when I come home, she sleep on my floor. Chick defines herself through the relationships she has with men and then turns violent when they don’t reciprocate that dependency. And when I say violent, she threatens to kill herself in an effort to hurt said dick-of-the-moment. Or punches a hole in my wall. When I first met her, she seemed like an old soul, someone worth investing in. My engaging with you on an intellectual level is the highest compliment I can grant because no one except my wife is worth my time. If you earn an opportunity where I actually stop what i’m doing, actively listen to what you have to say, and engage in a proper conversation with you, congratulations. You’ve achieved a real feat. After three months of living with this chick, I realize she is a f*cking toddler pretending at being an adult. And pretending poorly. So poorly, in fact, I feel like I wasted my time even trying to know her.

She told me my brother demanded she kill herself and left poison on his dresser for her to do it.  She then commenced to spazz out for an hour until my brother came back to console her After I spazzed out on him for an hour because I’m not in the business of babysitting children throwing tantrums.

She and I use to have a relationship. I thought it was cordial and decent. We spoke at length about things I thought you speak about when you’re getting to know someone. I told her stuff I tell everyone. She apparently told me stuff that she never told anyone. At first, I would push her into divulging more because learned that talking helps. After a while, I stopped that because I didn’t care anymore. Now, I don’t even look at her as she talks at me. I understood she has no interest in getting better or growing as an adult. She just wants you to agree with her and carry on, even if the thing she wants you to okey0-doke is patently destructive. Like, she wants to be wanted, at all times, but all people, and can’t function when someone tells her no or to back off. My youngest brother, her boyfriend’s twin, can’t stand her. He calls her Yoko because she broke up the band. A friend of his use to come out from the bay, stay with us to work, and then go back. This chick moves in and he stays with someone else, about an hour away. A kid my brother has known since he was 12 use to crash at our spot after work before going to his second job. She apparently cussed dude out into tears. Haven’t seen him since. Her presence has essentially alienated my brother from all of his friends, from his family, from everyone. If they didn’t live in my house, I wouldn’t be around them either, not after her weekend meltdown where she told he she was going to kill herself specifically to hurt him. Like, I love Crystal. I love my chick. The thought of me doing anything to bring her pain is debilitating. This chick claims to love my brother in the same way. How can you even think of some sh*t like that? Why would that even be a situation worth considering, killing yourself to hurt the person you love? Suffice it to say, she grates on me now. Whenever she speaks to me, that’s all I hear and it disgusts me. She disgusts me.

When he came back to work through these issues, she wouldn’t talk to him, pretended to swallow all of her anti-depressants and ran off toward a bridge so she could jump off and die. When she looked back an realize no one was chasing after her, she walked about a block and a half away, and hid in the bushes until my brother left. She then called me to complain and apologize about killing herself or whatever but then promptly walked home and ruined the rest of my night.

My older sister is a failure as an adult, a mother, and a woman, I think. She hates my lady over some hearsay nonsense. Never met her in person because I would never put Crystal in that position. She adores the 19 year old because of how “real” she is. The thing is, to me. the “real” they hold in so high regard is just common coonery. Straight ignorant tomfoolery and my older Sister’s ignorance is palpable. She’s a terrible judge in character. She’s a terrible decision maker. She’s infatuated with a ghetto lifestyle that is a direct detriment to her two children and refuses to actually apply herself for their sake. My older sister is who I think this the 19 year old is going to be when she gets to be 40. My sister is a spectacular chef. Classically trained. Brilliant in the kitchen. Her artistic skill set lent itself to food, mine, to a pen and a pad. My sister has won nationally televised competitions with her cooking. She won a legitimate head chef gig, at 33. Then she quit because they didn’t want to put her personal sh*t on the menu. The 19 year old has all of these big dreams and aspirations for holistic medicine, just like my sister had big dreams of owning her own restaurant. And just like my sister, she can’t get out of her own f*cking way to achieve them.

She stayed up all night, calling all of my brother’s friends, telling them how he “abuses” her and how he makes her want to die and how he didn’t care about her and how he abandoned her at her most vulnerable point to hang out with his friends literally because he wouldn’t stay to cuddle with her for five more minutes. After she spent the entire day with him. Because they had both taken stimulants and couldn’t sleep. Because my brother drugged her for sex. Also, he told her a week in advance he’d be going to this particular friend’s spot for the weekend because he’s a goddamn firefighter in training and this was the first leave he had in a month.

For some reason, this chick makes my brother happy and I want my brother happy. That being said, her existence annoys me. When she speaks to me, I cringe. I never want her around, ever. I understand, wholeheartedly, why none of his friends come around anymore. This chick is toxic and no one wants to get poisoned. My brother sees worth in her though. As long as that is a thing, I’ll tolerate this 19 year old mess. But, goddamn, is it hard. Seriously, how do you like someone who admitted they would throw away their life for the soul purpose of hurting someone you’d die for? Little brothers are essentially my sons. I raised them. I taught them how to walk. Their first words were my name. I taught them to write, helped with their homework, and protected them from the many pitfalls of our household to the best of my ability. Watching one of them (well, both of them) choose a women that flat out doesn’t deserve him is infuriating. Seriously, I’ve come to the conclusion that this chick doesn’t deserve to be loved. She doesn’t deserve to be happy. She deserves to die alone and miserable. Do I think she can become a person worthy of happiness? Sure. Do I think that she will? F*ck no. She’s too petty and immature to be happy.

Everything in bold happened in a 14 hour period. These are just the things that stood out. Literally what isn’t documented here is essentially nonsensical sobbing, constant tantrum throwing, and random spazz outs. For three full f*cking days. That first 14 was just the beginning. It got worse and literally encapsulated my entire weekend.

[smokeybrand]

Youth Culture

I’m 33. My brother is 26. Our father was a drug addict and our mother was in a decade long depression spiral. I essentially raised him. Still am, technically. My brother dates a 19 year old. She friended me on Facebook. That was a mistake. She posts so much, man. So much… And she thinks it’s so profound but she’s only 19. She doesn’t know a goddamn thing about life. Like, she’s depressed and suicidal and has social anxiety and whatever else there’s a pill for that the generation after mine takes to avoid problems or personal responsibility. Somehow, that makes her believe she’s far more progressive, more advanced, than her peers. This chick posts her entire life on Facebook. Every little thing that pops in her head, online. Memes, short stories, weird little nonsense arguments, arm chair activism, #Woke bullsh*t; all of those shenanigans children yell because they want to be heard and it’s all goddamn annoying. As a 30 year old watching this happen, watching her try and assert her immaturity as adulthood, I realize that we, as 19 year old, shouldn’t have a say in anything. The things she says are just regurgitated SJW narrative There’s no soul, no truth behind them Like, she posts sh*t specifically to troll Randoms or seeking validation. Her lack of self is both startling and sad to me. Mostly, it’s just frustrating because my brother is mad infatuated with this trainwreck.  

She once tried to convince me that my brother drugged her so she would stay up for sex, only to have him finish and fall asleep, leaving her alone and overstimulated. She had work that day. Apparently the plan was to go a full 24 hours on no sleep while working a 10pm to 2am shift at a busy bar/restaurant. She didn’t go to work that night. Or ever again. Because of the other things on this list.

When I first met her, I thought she was far more progressive than she is. Living with her for a few months, I believe she is a testament to her peer group, but she’s still a goddamn moron. Kid’s thrown literal tantrums about something someone said to her. She fought with my brother over breadsticks, eventually punching a whole in my wall over breadsticks. She lies constantly about circumstances to garner sympathy by perpetuating a personal victim narrative. She is willingly petty. She is knowingly reckless. She uses her mental illness as a pass for her sh*tty behavior. Nothing is ever her fault and she ducks personal responsibility like it’s the f*cking plague. Everything is always someone else’s fault or in the works or whatever but when I leave for work, she sleep on my floor and when I come home, she sleep on my floor. Chick defines herself through the relationships she has with men and then turns violent when they don’t reciprocate that dependency. And when I say violent, she threatens to kill herself in an effort to hurt said dick-of-the-moment. Or punches a hole in my wall. When I first met her, she seemed like an old soul, someone worth investing in. My engaging with you on an intellectual level is the highest compliment I can grant because no one except my wife is worth my time. If you earn an opportunity where I actually stop what i’m doing, actively listen to what you have to say, and engage in a proper conversation with you, congratulations. You’ve achieved a real feat. After three months of living with this chick, I realize she is a f*cking toddler pretending at being an adult. And pretending poorly. So poorly, in fact, I feel like I wasted my time even trying to know her.

She told me my brother demanded she kill herself and left poison on his dresser for her to do it.  She then commenced to spazz out for an hour until my brother came back to console her After I spazzed out on him for an hour because I’m not in the business of babysitting children throwing tantrums.

She and I use to have a relationship. I thought it was cordial and decent. We spoke at length about things I thought you speak about when you’re getting to know someone. I told her stuff I tell everyone. She apparently told me stuff that she never told anyone. At first, I would push her into divulging more because learned that talking helps. After a while, I stopped that because I didn’t care anymore. Now, I don’t even look at her as she talks at me. I understood she has no interest in getting better or growing as an adult. She just wants you to agree with her and carry on, even if the thing she wants you to okey0-doke is patently destructive. Like, she wants to be wanted, at all times, but all people, and can’t function when someone tells her no or to back off. My youngest brother, her boyfriend’s twin, can’t stand her. He calls her Yoko because she broke up the band. A friend of his use to come out from the bay, stay with us to work, and then go back. This chick moves in and he stays with someone else, about an hour away. A kid my brother has known since he was 12 use to crash at our spot after work before going to his second job. She apparently cussed dude out into tears. Haven’t seen him since. Her presence has essentially alienated my brother from all of his friends, from his family, from everyone. If they didn’t live in my house, I wouldn’t be around them either, not after her weekend meltdown where she told he she was going to kill herself specifically to hurt him. Like, I love Crystal. I love my chick. The thought of me doing anything to bring her pain is debilitating. This chick claims to love my brother in the same way. How can you even think of some sh*t like that? Why would that even be a situation worth considering, killing yourself to hurt the person you love? Suffice it to say, she grates on me now. Whenever she speaks to me, that’s all I hear and it disgusts me. She disgusts me.

When he came back to work through these issues, she wouldn’t talk to him, pretended to swallow all of her anti-depressants and ran off toward a bridge so she could jump off and die. When she looked back an realize no one was chasing after her, she walked about a block and a half away, and hid in the bushes until my brother left. She then called me to complain and apologize about killing herself or whatever but then promptly walked home and ruined the rest of my night.

My older sister is a failure as an adult, a mother, and a woman, I think. She hates my lady over some hearsay nonsense. Never met her in person because I would never put Crystal in that position. She adores the 19 year old because of how “real” she is. The thing is, to me. the “real” they hold in so high regard is just common coonery. Straight ignorant tomfoolery and my older Sister’s ignorance is palpable. She’s a terrible judge in character. She’s a terrible decision maker. She’s infatuated with a ghetto lifestyle that is a direct detriment to her two children and refuses to actually apply herself for their sake. My older sister is who I think this the 19 year old is going to be when she gets to be 40. My sister is a spectacular chef. Classically trained. Brilliant in the kitchen. Her artistic skill set lent itself to food, mine, to a pen and a pad. My sister has won nationally televised competitions with her cooking. She won a legitimate head chef gig, at 33. Then she quit because they didn’t want to put her personal sh*t on the menu. The 19 year old has all of these big dreams and aspirations for holistic medicine, just like my sister had big dreams of owning her own restaurant. And just like my sister, she can’t get out of her own f*cking way to achieve them.

She stayed up all night, calling all of my brother’s friends, telling them how he “abuses” her and how he makes her want to die and how he didn’t care about her and how he abandoned her at her most vulnerable point to hang out with his friends literally because he wouldn’t stay to cuddle with her for five more minutes. After she spent the entire day with him. Because they had both taken stimulants and couldn’t sleep. Because my brother drugged her for sex. Also, he told her a week in advance he’d be going to this particular friend’s spot for the weekend because he’s a goddamn firefighter in training and this was the first leave he had in a month.

For some reason, this chick makes my brother happy and I want my brother happy. That being said, her existence annoys me. When she speaks to me, I cringe. I never want her around, ever. I understand, wholeheartedly, why none of his friends come around anymore. This chick is toxic and no one wants to get poisoned. My brother sees worth in her though. As long as that is a thing, I’ll tolerate this 19 year old mess. But, goddamn, is it hard. Seriously, how do you like someone who admitted they would throw away their life for the soul purpose of hurting someone you’d die for? Little brothers are essentially my sons. I raised them. I taught them how to walk. Their first words were my name. I taught them to write, helped with their homework, and protected them from the many pitfalls of our household to the best of my ability. Watching one of them (well, both of them) choose a women that flat out doesn’t deserve him is infuriating. Seriously, I’ve come to the conclusion that this chick doesn’t deserve to be loved. She doesn’t deserve to be happy. She deserves to die alone and miserable. Do I think she can become a person worthy of happiness? Sure. Do I think that she will? F*ck no. She’s too petty and immature to be happy.

Everything in bold happened in a 14 hour period. These are just the things that stood out. Literally what isn’t documented here is essentially nonsensical sobbing, constant tantrum throwing, and random spazz outs. For three full f*cking days. That first 14 was just the beginning. It got worse and literally encapsulated my entire weekend.