#Lord give me a bestie for life irl

[xlovedrug]

NSB : as random ass songs on my playlist, cause why not ?

Oliver Moy

promiscuous, nelly furtardo

- my reasoning for this is because bro just seems like he would vibe to this song for hours on end, his airpods in and would be laying on the couch, just singing every line pretending he was having this conversation irl.

just dance, lady gaga

- who doesn't love lady gaga ? she's an icon and her older songs were the prime lady gaga era. she has the songs that are just so iconic. oliver just gives just dance vibes, especially when he's on stage, just let loose and dance.

505, artic monkeys

- i listen to this song at least once a day, and at least once or twice i've wondered what it'd be like if oliver sang this or performed this on stage, how much of a cultural reset it'd be. :)

Kane Ratan

sparks, coldplay

- everytime i listen to a coldplay song, I can't help but imagine kane with an edit of their songs, especially with this song. kane is such a loving person and he's so kind, although he and darren have a very odd relationship, we all know kane would be there immediately if darren, or any member at that, called for help.

duvet, bôa

- i associate this song with kane unintentionally, i feel like so many lf the lyrics just explain him, especially when a lot of stars often don't notice kane much. "i am faded" really hits hard when half the comments are raging on about regie, ryan, & oliver ( nothing wrong with that ofc ) and kane's barely getting the attention.

viva la vida, coldplay

- at this point, almost every coldplay song makes me think of kane. kane was the first member i noticed, so i guess these lyrics are mainly because i used to like him most. "i used to rule the world" makes me think of times when kane used to be the muse and i would only look at him when watching an nsb video

Justin Phan

stan, eminem

- this is without a doubt one of my favourite songs by eminem, and idk, i can just imagine a sad justin edit with the "truly yours, you're biggest fan, this is stan." lyric if he was an actor, or had a pretty sad scene in one of the nsb music video.

ms. jackson, outkast

- you can not tell me, with such an iconic beat, you've never scrolled on the justinphanedit tag on tiktok hoping to see an edit with justin and this song, cause i know i have. this song just is too iconic, and so is ya boy justin.

dirty harry, gorillaz

- my playlist is constantly playing gorillaz somgs, and my tiktok fyp is constantly filled with justin videos ( mainly cause i've saved so many justin videos / edits to send to my justin obsessed bestie ) so it'd be criminal to not have a gorillaz song assigned to justin.

Regie Macalino

verbatim, mother mother

- regie is literally walking sex at this point, honestly he's coined it as his trademark, "but my libido is strong when a lady is near ya." is literally how so many people probably think regie is like, but obviously this boy is more than just sex appeal.

4:00 AM, taeko onuki

- i remember seeing a tiktok that justin(?) made where he and blonde regie made when this song was trending, and ever since that day, has this song stayed with regie, my life was complete when i heard regie and "lord, give me one more chance."

sunshine, nsb

- yes i just signed this man his own song, this was the first song we ever heard this man sing in, and for the stars it was an iconic moment. even now after regie has coined himself the prettiest girl of all time, those lyrics just hit so much more, "you are my sunshine."

Ryan Nguyen

borderline, tame impala

- ryan and this song just makes me malfunction, i know damn well that at least one other person has imagined ryan and an edit with the "i wonder how i managed to end up, in this place, where i couldn't get away." or with the "will i be known and love, any closer, close enough." lyric with this man.

sex, drugs, etc., beach weather

- "your socialised, romanticized life." just reminds me of ryan. ryan is without a doubt the most popular member, or one and many people do romanticize this man. "out of touch with harmony, designer drugs from dead end streets" just would be an amazing edit.

my kind of woman, mac demarco

- to be honest, i dont know why this song reminds me or ryan so much. it just does. sometimes i wonder if i want to hear him sing this song, or hear someone sing this song for him.

Darren Liang

black out days, phantogram

- i know that if i could edit, i'd be editting dramatic darren edits left, right and center. and this is the song i definitely would edit him to. probably make it after one of the boys bring up his cute corn tooth. just for the dramatics.

national anthem, lana del rey

- another song I can't explain the association, but i know one of my darren obsessed friends would definitely edit him to this song, especially to the "tell me im your national anthem!" lyrics

mr. telephone man, new edition

- "mr. telephone man, there's something wrong with my line, when i dial my babys numbers, i get a click everytime." is something i can see darren either singing or making an edit after ryan yet again rejects his affection.

Sebastian Moy

die for you, the weeknd

- sebastain is without a doubt obsession with the weeknd, it's just... so obvious. bros definitely listening to this song 24/7 wishing he could sing this to ( or with ) the girl of his dreams.

applause, lady gaga

- sebastian has been through a lot, mainly sighting his porcupine hair era. i can just imagining myself editting him with this song after he progressed from that horrendous hair style to where he's come to now. he's grown so much

love of my life, harry styles

- i can imagine sebastian singing this for either his dream girl or for the stars, just cause he can, and just because this song is literally perfect

North Star Boys

overdrive, conan gray

- so you're telling me, you saw nsb in the back of a car, being the beautiful men they are and never associated them to this song like i did...? damn...

as it was, harry styles

- nsb is literally the perfect group to edit their beginning to now with the instrumental bit(?) of this song. it's just destined.

m., anil emre daldal

- this songs lyrics are so beautiful, and even if this song is no longer trending, this song and nsb is just too beautiful to not include

[msmargaretmurry]

music anon here!! hi!! how’s it going? heard you were kinda stressed so!! hope everything’s better!!

idk why but i’ve been on a weird mcstrome mood this past few days, and so i had to make a mcstrome blues playlist, because well. they were besties and now they’re not anymore.

i thought i’d share some songs with you as a token of gratefulness for your general existence <3 the vibes are kinda sad tho ngl. it’s a vision of their relationship that is just… bleak. so without further ado, mcstrome blues!

now that we don’t talk by taylor swift. “did you get anxious though?/ on the way home / i guess i’ll never ever know / now that we don’t talk” i’m just. there’s a post floating somewhere on swiftie tumblr along the lines of “this song is for the girlies with a dramatic best friend breakup” and. yeah that’s mcstrome to me

still got it + can’t go back baby (one right after the other) by troye sivan. his new album is full of bops btw but these ones…… man. cant go back baby is actually about being cheated on, so not really applicable here but. the hurt? phew 😮‍💨 (from the same album how to stay with you gives me matthew and leon getting together after matthew fucked off to florida vibes!!! “i feel my mother might like you / just not in the same way i do” that’s tthe tkatchuks baby!!! but i digress.)

ivy by frank ocean. “we had time to kill back then / you ain’t a kid no more / we’ll never be those kids again” hello??? also along these lines. ribs by lorde. a classic of the “i want to go back to the past but it’s impossible and it makes me go insane” vibe

the exit by conan gray. oh my god this one . “you love her / it’s over / you already found someone to miss / while i’m still standing at /the exit / i can’t hate you for getting everything we wanted / i just thought that i’d be part of it” this one is tied to irl stuff which. eh i know. but oh my god…

hope this wasn’t too long and that you enjoy (if you didn’t know these songs before!!) 🤍🤍🤍🤍

hello music anon!! lovely to hear from you as always 💖 i am indeed very stressed right now but it's okay, i will make it through. just one more month of the semester! two more months until my biggest work event of the fiscal year! i have the veterans' day holiday off from work today tho so before i dig into the massive pile of homework and household chores i have been ignoring, i took myself out for coffee to sit at a cafe and catch up on tumblr asks 😂

i have ALSO been in a weird mcstrome mood lately, i think because connor mcdavid is so miserable right now, so thank you for sharing this little playlist, it really hits the mcstrome sadness spot. like even beyond the hrpf of it all, it makes me sad because to me friendship is one of the most important things in the world and it makes me sad thinking about them not being best friends anymore! obviously, drifting apart from your besties when you were a teen is a pretty normal part of life for a lot of people, but i am still sad about it. they were so sweet about each other, and now we don't even know if they actually still talk ever 😭

i knew some of these songs but not all of them! as usual they are all going directly on my playlist for disassociating to on the metro to and from work. i love a pairing or character or story concept playlist so much (if you couldn't tell by how i tend to post playlists with my long fics, haha). thank you for sharing!! 💕

[baekhvuns]

i get you, single life is the peak of peace and oh them drawings 😩🤌i can obsess over whoever I want, I can have 10 husband's without even getting married THE PURE JOY. Im not that big of a manhwa fan but I've read a few and i can assure you, I desire that type of a romance BCZ DONT YOU SOMETIMES WANT SOMEONE TO FALL SO CRAZILY IN LOVE WITH YOU?!?! They'd embrace you, they'd tell you how pretty you are and even when you'd say 'you might get get tired of me' they'll reply "you're like the moon honey, no matter how many times I look at it, it seems to get prettier and enchanting" 😭😭😭😭 BUT I DAMN WELL KNOW MEN ARE NOT FUNCTIONED LIKE THIS AHVAJABAJAB WHYYY?!?!

Yes my happy marriage!! I honestly get the hype arnd it!!

Speaking of manhwas or webtoons, I have a few of my favourites like daytime star Oh God it is such a sweet SUCH A FLUFFY STORY BUT THEN THE ML LOOKS LIKE THIS:-

LIKE EXCUSE ME SIR THIS ISNT ALLOWED IN MY HOUSEHOLD GODDAMN!! and he's the greenest flag ever. I've also read more webtoons like operation love and surprisingly I read see you in my 19th life as a webtoon and I still haven't watched the drama. I'm currently trying to read this manhwa called my in laws are obsessed with me, AND ITS COMPLICATED ALR?? IT IS! BUT! I looovvee the art style so much I'm on my damn knees AND THE BLACK HAIRED DUDE THERDEO!!! AH HE GV MY BUTTERFLIES 😭😭 I feel like this story is presented really good and i actually like the female lead in this.

I have one more and idk why but it reminds me how you write for some reason. It's titled "midnight crying crow" and the FL on this is a detective so strong, so sassy, and in general THAT girl and the ml 😭 he's an actor AND SUCH A DIVA OMG, and that reminds me of your written Seonghwa so much Bcz

I THINK YOU GOT POINT 😭😭

LMFAOO NOT THE SIDE EYE!! Now im def gonna watch it soon! Omg they are so long and bestie I started watching one piece a few weeks ago 😭 AND I MADE IT TILL EP 7!! See I struggle with watching too like idk how peeps watch a whole season in a day, I just can't but somehow i finished a few series.

Ohh honestly I still like comedy animes better so I'm suggesting baby Buddy daddies (i literally wrote baby daddies-) , spy x family (it's so good YOR AND LOID IS MY SHIP OK?), The babysitters club IT IS SO CUTE 😭 , saiki k, the way of a househusband THIS IN PARTICULAR BCZ IMAGINE AN INTIMIDATING MAFIA GUY FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU AND AFTER MARRIAGE HE BECOMES A MANWIFE WHO LIKES CUTE THINGS AND JUST FOR YOU!??!? It's top tier!!

Ikr somehow pictures be motivating to get my life together even 😭 hell even stationary motivates me, i would've never studied or wanted to study if it wasn't for cute stationary!!

YES WE SHALL RISE!! IN THE NAME OF THE THE LORD PARK!

park peace no srs, no situationships just pure delusion <3 UHUH EXACTLY make them scenarios in ur mind and then giggle into ur pillow like 😭😭 pathetic but u KNOW WHAT BETTER THAN EVERYONE AND THEIR MEN,, NO NO I FUCKING GET U SO MUCHF WHKFHWK LIKE SAY THAT TO ME????? TELL ME IM A CUP OF COFFEE??? NEVER GIVE UP NEVER WHAT??? will forever make the men in my fics act like that, my delusion will go on

that man is so fine, the hair, the authority

I !!!! WANT !!!! HE !!!!

see now im trying to read day time star….why is it kinda dry 😭😭😭😭 crying fbwmfjwk iM not a huge fan of it atm 😭😭 SEE U IN MY 19TH LIFE I PREFER THE WEBTOON OVER THE ACTUAL DRAMA ANYDAAAAAY

NO BC I KNOW THAT ONE IVE BEEN RECCING IT AND ASKIMG EVERYONE TO READ THAT FIC BECAUSE OF HIM. THAT ART STYLE IS EVERYTHING AND WHEN HE BLUSHES?????? DROPPED.

WHAT THE FUCK. I NEED THIS MAN IRL ACTUALLY IF YALL SEE THIS, NO U DONT MIND UR BUSINESS 🔫 or read the fic,,, THE FEMALE LEAS IN TUIS IS SO GOD DAMN PRETTY 😭😭 THIS IS MY IT COUPLE IDC IDC THIS ONE WILL FORVER WIN

pls tell u ur reading secretary’s escape…

I WILL READ THAT WEBTOON !!! omg???? written hwa??? this is a must for me,, omg if u like detective type of webtoon a pls pls pls read the purple hyacinth, legendary chemistry almost like miraculous ladybug and chat noir type <3 yes. YES I GOT THE POINT BRWMBDSK

LMFAOOOO no literally i cannot watch it for hours long like i have up sailor moon in first 10 eps 😭😭

STOP I LOVE SPY x FAMILY,,, STOP IT THE WAY OF THE HOUSE HUSBAND I WAS SO OBSESSED W IT THAT I BOUGHT THE MANGA FOR IT 😭😭😭

wait i do not rmr if i rec-ed the remarried empress, yeah. an empress, remarrying, to a younger king? who’s like a golden retriever and the art?? LORD HAVE MERCY. my fav webtoons depend on the art, if i don’t like the art i don’t read it and this one has one of the best arts ive seen. SORRY THE DUDE IS JUST SO FINE FHFWMDJAKJ LET ME JIST SHOW U FBWMDWL hate her ex husband tho so he kinda fine but problematic

trust he looks even better in season 2 the art just keeps getting better!!!

men of harem is pretty good but it’s dragging along,,, PERFECT REVENGE MARRIAGE!!!! A MUST!!!! a good day to be a dog is also vvv ☺️☺️ and u can read lost in translation if u want to be depressed for the rest of ur life.

no literally!!! this reels w that same song and ppl studying got me like???? me too???

[nayrusl0vee]

Sigh I like how well my online friends know me

I don't even say anything, and they just know something is wrong. I didn't even say anything. These ppl are so real I'm not used to it. I know I have my girls irl but they're all so busy being mothers and they know I'm introverted so I'm mainly online.

The people that I've met this year are some of the most real people I know. I'm very selective when it comes to friends even online. My online homies are real friends through and through.

Distance doesn't matter, how long you've known someone doesn't matter. Character does. Real real real people. We hold each other accountable, pray for one another, and love on each other. I'm so thankful to be so loved. Thank you God for placing such beautiful people in my life.

Shout out to my bestie for forcing me to eat even though I have 0 appetite, and thank you for helping me sleep. Thank you to my sisters in Christ who have prayed for me, I feel loved. I have so much respect for these people 😭❤️ the love, the care, the warmth, it all just radiates. Your prayers were so beautiful. I couldn't stop crying either. I'm so so tired of crying.

When you have God's peace it makes no sense how fast it happens. call on The Lord and he will help you. He will give you peace.

I'm glad to have people around me WHO ACTUALLY CARE. They don't enable toxic behavior, if they're wrong, there will be correction and they FIX it 💯💯💯. Yk why? Bc they actually want to change and make things right. Understanding, comprehension and accountability all go hand in hand and that leads into love. REAL love is patient and kind, it's respectful, it is not boastful, it does not envy, it is not proud, it is not self seeking, it keeps no record of wrongs, it always protects, always hopes, perseveres, always trusts. It rejoices in TRUTH. Real love never fails.

An apology without changed behavior is manipulation btw which makes you toxic

I hope to God you read this

Doesn't matter when

[scuttle-buttle]

Thoughts on my writing process & other headcanons about the Niki × Catherine universe

Headcanons:

Hunt wasn't actually mad that his sister is with Niki, it's more so he was hurt by the fact that is was behind his back and that she lied to him about not seeing Niki. In reality he thinks Niki is a really good guy, if not too serious sometimes. Once they get past the initial hurt he's all for it. In fact, he hopes you'll corrupt Niki just a little. You do.

Niki started listening to your favorite radio station when he was working (at a reasonable volume, of course)

Niki would want to give Cat the world and considered buying her a really fancy engagement ring but in reality he knew that part of the reason she loved him so much was because he was so normal and practical, hence the simple gold band. He wanted it to remind you of him everytime you looked at it.

Niki loves that she is super independent because it means he doesn't have to 'worry' about her. They both do their own thing and coexist.

She definitely helps him to open up in general and be more friendly and socialize with others. Even with Hunt they are low key besties but still bust each other's balls every chance they get.

Speaking of Hunt he did plan the stag party. Niki went because you made him but the whole night it was just second hand embarrassment because hunt was being his usual self and yes there was a stripper involved (we are sex work positive in this house) and alcohol. Niki didn't want to talk about it afterwards even tho nothing bad happened. His only response when you asked - "a lot of ass," and no I don't mean the dancer's.

Niki is those tight little bell bottom corduroy pants. Send tweet.

Niki knows Cat goes feral when he talks dirty in German during their sexy times. At first it was just the appeal of him whispering in a foreign language. But since learning German she's able to pick up on what he's saying and good lord 🥵

He lets her drive the Ferrari sometimes on open roads in the countryside. She goes as fast as she wants. He lets her.

He always makes her join him on/next to the podium when he wins if she is present for the race

Despite being pretty private people, Niki will flaunt you off in front of the press. It’s subtle but he definitely wants people to know that you’ve got him wrapped around your finger

Elena and James 100% had a tiny set of red coveralls made when you announced your pregnancy. Thankfully James left off the “Sex: breakfast of champions” patch

Writing process:

Someone told me Elena gives Katheryn Hahn vibes and honestly that's such a compliment to me I want to be her myself. But also im kinda the Elena of my friend group irl

Sex on a ping pong table? I really really did that and I regret nothing

A wanted to find the balance between modern and 1970s women's roles in society. Second Wave Feminism was definitely making an impact around the western world, but there was still a lot of gendered issues going on. Hence the things like Elena being a secretary, Cat going to school for art history (which was common for women, and art history is so fun), and James being all defensive about his sister. That being said, women who sought personal freedom with things like birth control pills and careers were seen as very "modern women", both in the positive and negative sense.

I would find a song and play that shit on loop for 3 hours to get the tone right for a chapter

I wanted to make Catherine as vague as possible in terms of appearance because idk what readers are like, you know? So I did my best to not reference things like hair, eye color, skin color in hopes that as many people could enjoy this.

I regularly slip into accents that I don't actually possess when writing and reading my stuff outloud. Examples are: British, Australian, german/austrian/absolutely horrid rendition of niki

I am technically a medievalist through my first degree which is why I always try to find some way to sneak out into my fics since I don't get to practice it anymore with my current job.

I tried to balance the film with some real life details about Niki and James. For example they really did live together for a time.

[thebullmonkey]

Favorite Things: SANDITON Edition

For some reason, the first season officially ending its television run over here in The States has bummed me out even more, despite my having properly finished the season weeks ago and having already completed at least 5 full re-watches at this point.

I guess it just feels extra scary now about the fate of our dear Sanditonians? Sanditonites? Regency Cinnamon Rolls? Whatever you want to call them - I have this odd feeling of missing them even though I can watch them pretty much anytime I want. Is that weird? Am I weird? Don’t answer that!

Anyway, here’s a random, probably anachronistic list of some of my favorite Sanditon moments & things....

Every adorable Charlotte smile

The way Sidney says “Miss Heywood” whether in annoyance, anger, or secret desire

“New maid?”

Every annoyed Charlotte look - Rose has SUCH an exquisitely expressive face!

THAT SIDNEY EYEROLL

The way Sidney growls “What is it?”

The way Sidney softly questions “What is it?” to Charlotte when she’s birthing the Regatta idea

The way Charlotte & Sidney look so good standing or walking next to each other - they just look like they belong together forever

Young Stringer’s cartoonish accent in comparison to every other character’s “standard” English accent

When Esther’s all “hey you wanna walk with me” and Charlotte agrees but is too slow and Esther looks back at her after literally 3 paces like “BITCH, KEEP UP”

When Esther tells Charlotte she is “that bitch who will poison another bitch in my way” and Esther doesn’t break eye contact or her stride

Arthur talking about eating 6 or 7 slices of toast on the reg like it’s NBD

Arthur offering to make Charlotte some toast

The way Crow yells “BABERS!!” repeatedly

Crow just being an unapologetic drunken fuckboi

The Sidlotte pineapple luncheon party scene - especially how sweet it is that Sidney’s serving Charlotte soup

Arthur having about enough of Lady D’s insolence at his future BFF, Georgiana, and ravaging that rotten ass pineapple in vengeance

When Lady D calls out “Mr. Parker” and all three brothers turn around in unison - each one with their distinct personalities showing through

Tom and Sidney dressing alike for the Regatta - so cute

Basically the whole Cricket match & when Tom says “I really don’t think I am[out]!” (The timbre of his voice sounds exactly like how he spoke in "Love Actually" and I am always here for “Colin - God of Sex!” (But also FUCK TOM PARKER FOREVER, THO)

The way Sidney looks confused and aroused when Charlotte roasts him at the luncheon + tells him to STFU - she’s trying to concentrate - during The Cricket

How Sidney goes from stoic to cinnamon roll throughout 8 glorious episodes

Sidney’s soft voice

Georgiana not giving an ounce of a fuck about Edward & her immunity to his charms

"Who is your favorite poet?"

When it doesn't look like the laborers will show for The Cricket and Edward's all "CAN WE GO?!"

Every perfect thing Babington says to Esther

Esther's hair when she wears it down

The smile Esther gives when she & Lady D are playing cards after she didn't die

All the satin looks for the rich ladies (Georgi & Eliza's bitch ass)

All the WIND

The ROWING SCENE

The way Sidney says "Come on" to get Charlotte in the boat

THAT FUCKING ROWING SCENE

Sidney taking liberties and stealing body touches during that entire scene

"Keep your back straight..." & the impish laugh after he'd gotten away with such an intimate touch

Dr. Fuchs needing actual liquor to deal with Arthur & Diana's silly asses

WET SIDNEY

Charlotte's luscious wavy hair at the start of Ep 8

The Truest Self speech

All of Sidney's side eyes & spying on Charlotte's Young Stringer interactions

Young Stringer's bestie - that dude has balls and is so ride or die! Always supporting his bud in the fiercest way

The way The Beaufort girls say "Mr. Hankins"

The way the Beaufort girls always fawn over Sidney

"Admiral Heywood" - that whole adorable ass scene

Sidney's constant posing

The London carriage scenes with Char & Sid as a whole

The London carriage scene where Sidney emphatically says "I-COULD- NOT-HAVE-BEEN-ANY-CLEAR-ER..." That sounds EXACTLY how I imagine Theo actually argues IRL with people 😂

All the dancing

The brothel scene

Honestly - every Char & Sid scene is what I live for

Lady Denham ROASTING TOM'S USELESS NO-INSURANCE-HAVING ASS

Mary being so wrecked that Charlotte is leaving

Lady Susan's EVERYTHING

THAT👏MOTHER👏FUCK👏ING👏KISS

Sidney being awkward as fuck in general - but especially pre-💋

Charlotte being inquisitive & speaking her mind respectfully but also telling Sidney he sucks when he deserves it

The Char & Georgi friendship

Young Stringer & team winning the Regatta

Every profile shot of Sidney - good lord Theo is good from every angle!

BASICALLY ALL OF IT

Even though things are up in the air and I often say to myself "I kind of wish I never watched Sanditon..." (because FEELS, y'all) I'm so so so glad I did. I haven't been touched by a show or story or characters like this in a very long time. They will always be with me, I will always have random Sanditon quotes and scenes and images in my brain, and I will adore and cherish this series for the rest of my life.

FINGERS STILL MASSIVELY CROSSED THAT THE GODS BE KIND AND GIVE US A PROPER ENDING IN A SECOND SEASON.

[saeyoungs-sunflower]

Sunny Sunny Sunny!!! How are you doing? It's been so long since we've last talked a bit, and I hadn't realised how much I'd missed hearing from you!! 💜

(Don't worry about the 42 days, I'm just so glad you actually enjoyed the tag!!) You know, Lynn would definitely love to be your best friend just for how much she actually adores how much of a nice person you are, trust me..! 🥺💕 always kind and positive, she would actually be the one who would be overjoyed being considered as a friend by trust!! ngl you seriously such a sweet personality asjshhsdg

And okay, I LOVE Jane's character; she seems to be the type would wouldn't back down when it comes to relationships or her friends, I wish I could meet someone like her irl. Speaking of irl, I really hope you've been doing fine with your studies!! even if could directly send you a message, the invisible wall standing in front of me wouldn't allow me to;;;;

So... I hope to hear from you soon! (Or maybe not, take your time replying^^) Don't forget to drink lots of water too! Stay safe ^-^)/♡

LyrraaaaaAAAAAAA!!! My dear lovely Lyra how I’ve missed you!!💛 It has been a while, hasn’t it? I’m still struggling to balance uni/real life stuff and keeping up to date with things on here, but I’m sure with practise we’ll get there!

I ADORED that tag!! It really got me thinking and since I haven’t been able to write for a while, it helped me still keep in touch with my creative side so I must applaud your impeccable timing with that😂 and you absolutely flATTER ME GOOD LORD you always know what to say to make me go🥺 it would be an absolute honour to have Lynn as a bestie omg, and hearing you say such lovely things and that she’d like to be my friend too????🥺🥺🥺🥺 excuse me whilst I wEEP. You are an absolutely gorgeous human being to stop by and completely make my day, your kindness and good heart light up this community and I hope you know how cherished you are, by myself and so many more. And not just because of the kindness you show, but also everything you are - a beautiful and warm soul who also produces wonderful things. <3333

“gEt a rOoM” excuse me let me love this aNGEL

Ahhhhhh I’m so glad you like Jane🥺 and you are absolutely spot on about her! When she puts her mind to helping someone, she won’t stop until she’s done it.

Yes I’ve been doing well thank you! Studies are going interestingly bc of you know what hahah (a theatre degree online isn’t ideal lol) but ya know what everyone’s dealing with that and I know my professors are going above and beyond to give us as good an experience as possible so I can’t complain☺️ How are you doing?? I sincerely hope you’ve been taking good care of yourself💛💛 I know exactly what you mean about the invisible wall stopping you from DMing, I also feel that “don’t speak unless spoken to” which is so hard to shake off, but I can assure you 100% that I would love to speak to you more if you’re around!! I’m usually on discord more but I’ve been logging on here a lot recently so tumblr is great too if that works better for you🥰 

It makes me so happy to be in contact with you again!!! I seriously have missed you!! Please take good care of yourself!💕💕

[cow5secondchance]

Episode 5 - What If I Say My Name Is Lorde - Captain

Format: The Greenhouse

Eliminated: Blake (Venus Flytrap)

CAPTAIN

waking up to read that there is a tie between my bestie, mario and kaleigh and that i was the original target <3 see. i told yall when every time someone said i'm safe, i'm not. and now i'm pissed so i'm gonna just copy everything i wrote in my confessional here. THEY FUCKING WANTED ME OUT FIRST THEN THEY SWITCHED TO JENNET u see that?? u see how they’re scared of two pocs besties working tgt they told jennet they’re not on my priority list well stop dming me while i sleep maybe fuckers? these whites are fucking fake and so self-centered do i need to beg every white american to talk to me at 3am my time? girl no yea they wanted to target me at first because blake must think he’s not on my priority list for sure self-centered gay u’d love to see it huh i’m gonna venus flytrap that white ass

i mean i'm happy i survived but it won't be the same without my bestie jennet. we've been wanting to play together and our time was cut short because some white gays are so insecure and self-centered? so they decided to go for pocs? cute look on you babes.

#JusticeForJENNET https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/831702842733232148/842243242359128084/goodbye_bestie.mp4

XAVIER

We could have handled last round better

CAPTAIN

blake is why people are homophobic. period.

lots of details in my DR in the server i couldn't bring myself to do another entry because i was confused about all that "talk" but to sum up, nicole told me everything and blake told me everything too. he straight went up to me and said sorry i said ur name :why: and because i didn't tell me what went on (because i forgot.. like i don't think about this game all day. i also have something to do in my life) and i didn't tell him that i was in another alliance. as if he would tell me like PLS. ur just so entitled.

XAVIER

Blake has been going to us (Greenhouse) apologizing for his words during the call. I think Blake is scrambling. It is too much for just one sentence said during the call. Overcompensating, I think. Now Captain wants to target Nicole and Blake. Jarod wants to target Lindsay and William. I like Jarod, but he definitely is playing two sides now. Being on our (Greenhouse) side, but also on the side of Jarod-Blake-Autumn (though not too sure anymore how strong Autumn is with that trio). Captain wants to try a POC alliance. If Autumn is open, and if Jennet or Mario are the ones who come back from the buy back, that might actually work. And it would be very cool to see that happen.

JAROD

LORDE

what if i say that my name is lorde and my secret word is captain.. lets just do that

CAPTAIN

daisy and lanie coming back... hmm idk we're still need to wait and see if they want to work with me or not. i didn't do anything wrong to daisy so she might want to work with me. lanie tho, i voted her out but i literally explained everything that went down that round to her and threw will under the bus a bit. but will she want to work with me? idk. and i know blake is gunning for a flytrap so i need to get it or he'll flytrap my asian ass.

AUTUMN

CAPTAIN

okay lanie told me that she told william she didn't wanna do me in the first vote but of course, i didn't get told that. and it made sense cause like lanie played with me so she should know that our timezones are different and it is hard for me to talk to ppl when i go to bed. we'll see how it goes.

XAVIER

So I checked out early last night because I wanted to watch Ragnarok on Netflix and didn't want to keep checking my phone. I thought when today came around, there would be more people who have played. Um... just one other? 2 rounds? And no one online to play? I tried approaching Kaleigh and Lindsay but no response yet. I guess no one wants to look like they want it too much? But hello, we are in a game, of course everyone wants it. There are a lot of, let's just see what happens, instead of going for it. Maybe the VFT plays into that because it is in play as both Captain and Blake want it. And my fear is if I make it in the GH, nom Blake, he gets the VFT and use it on me again. Ha ha what a trip if that happens.

So I wasn't going to play but Nyx messaged and said they wanted to play. But they wanted to rig it. I didn't want to, I want a chance to win of course. And I did :) Hope they aren't too bummed about it. I am in the GH I think, with at least 3 (Nyx beat Lanie) points. I know Jarod is in there too by beating Daisy.

Two Greenhouses in a row, but hope history doesn't repeat! 

CAPTAIN

last night before i went to sleep, i thought to myself what if i get the one that nom ppl and the nominee will get a seed to nom me so i could get another seed. then, i went to bed thinking it might be a bit too much. but BOOM, i woke up today and saw jarod have this same plan so that's good. we communicate telepathically it seems. i just need to win the seed count comp and get 2 more seeds but like idk about my puzzle ability GRRRR!! but i'll try my best. i just wanna get the flytrap before i get flytrap'ed out.

LORDE

i'm cosplaying as lorde again and lorde wishes captain a successful bidding tmr

CAPTAIN

yall idk if my puzzle time would be good enough to win seeds and i just found out william has 0 seed

LANIE

IM BACK IN THE GAME AND WE’RE IN A GREENHOUSE ROUND! BRO GREENHOUSE IS MY SHIT it’s such a good format ahhh. None of these hoes know the greenhouse like I do honey. I’ve played it like 18 times.... probably the most out of everyone.. and IM A HOST OF THE ORG PLZ AND IM PLAYING AN IRL GREENHOUSE WITH TAYLOR ON THE 29TH AHH But on a serious note, I’m back in the game and I don’t trust ANYONE on my tribe that voted me out, especially my love William. Love him as a person but I’m gonna get him in this game at some point, you wait and see! He just agreed to throw the RPS challenge to make up for voting me out but HONEY IT’S NOT ENOUGH LMAO. He’s probably on the bottom of my trust list. At this point in time, I trust Jarod, Daisy, Lindsey, Captain, and Blake (even though the last two voted me off, but they were told convoluted information so I don’t blame them). I will work with Nyx but I don’t trust Nyx as much as I would like. I want to talk to Kaleigh more, and idk Xavier well but we’ll talk I’m sure. For this greenhouse round, Jarod is sunflower meaning he can put up TWO houseguests. HES PUTTING UP CAPTAIN AND I! But this is a strategy. There’s a power called the Flytrap, which the holder can use to take out any single person that they want. Captain has enough seeds to buy the flytrap, but so does Blake. WHOEVER WINS THE FLYTRAP WILL LIKELY LEAVE ME SAFE because I trust both Blake and Captain. People are gonna see Jarod put up two allies and flip their shit, but trust that this is all in typical Greenhouse strategy hehehe.

CAPTAIN

yes its time for an update! a lot has happened since yesterday... so lets begin with last night, i went to sleep and had the auction in my mind SDFSDFSD i actually woke up before my alarm went off like twice. the first time, i woke up and checked my phone.. it was like 7am and then i went to bed and i dreamed that the auction was already over and i missed everything DSFDFSDFSDF PLEASE! so i woke up right after and phew it was only 8.15am methinks so like 45 more minutes.. anyways!!! blake dm'ed me before the bidding and told me he would go for a flytrap... i mean i know that already and he said he wanted it because its been on his mind. PLEASE its been haunting me since last season.. and i didn't reply to him but i was talking to lanie about seeds too and i think lanie told blake i asked her for seeds? so blake came to me again and said 'Not you asking people for seeds' or something. like mister. and what about it? lanie knew about my plan of getting the flytrap and u just didn't know about it. so just sit down and relax god damn. oh and i found out will won the seed comp which was a no no cause will would give his seeds to blake for sure. and before the auction began, i think blake would have like 15 seeds? but he actually had 18 seeds. i was so lucky i outbid him. whew. and like he told me he had only 2 ppl giving him seeds while everyone prob gave me their seeds. and um? what about it? do i need to feel bad for you when you literally targeted me last round? white twink tears i guess. he tried to get me to promise that i won't flytrap him out but i haven't promised him. i said i'm down but its not a promise right? so yea i would flytrap him out. while lanie is in my dm like don't flytrap blake she loves him. MISS THING. I JUST TOLD YOU HE TARGETED ME LAST ROUND???? like god.

hey i'm back!! i know that blake would prob give someone his seeds that he has so we have to be careful about that in next week. imma need to try to win the greenhouse comp. fingers crossed for me tho besties. this is for jennet. everything i do in this game is gonna be for jennet. no one can mess with my sister/bestie. and once you do that, you just cross the line.

i'm sorry if i come off a bit aggressive.. i don't wanna be that but you know theres something about white men that is wrong.

heyyy god i'm just so proud with myself. i actually outdid myself and i just wanna go further than this. i wanna beat my old placement.

DAISY

CAPTAIN

missing jennet hours

[kostovas]

my diary post about my feelings before going to college

august 22, 2017, 10:06 pm, my room in El Paso

The way that I tend to deal with my problems/worries is that I don’t think about them and ignore them and keep ignoring them until they get so big that I’m forced to think about and deal with them.

That is basically what I have been doing this entire summer. I don’t even remember the last time I wrote in my diary and I’ve decided to start typing it out instead since I’m afraid I won’t have the motivation to literally write out my diary in COLLEGE, aka, the problem/worry, which branches out into a bunch of other little problems/worries (I’m going to be living 10 hours away from home, what if I mess up while doing the laundry, what if the work is too hard, my parents are going to be sad,) that I have been pushing away

Although to be honest about 90% of the summer consisted of me in my room writing fan fiction or watching Netflix or scrolling through twitter, I still really didn’t think much about it…

Orientation? Did I even write about it? It was fine, it was good, I instantly clicked with my roommate sara, yes, same name as me, and my orientation-roommate was nice but I have a weird after-taste about her because she told me she was Latina because although she is German Swedish Irish french Spanish insert a billion other super white ethnicities here, her mom is from New Mexico!

Orientation just felt like a more cramped, panicked version of NSLC camp which I went to last year. NSLC was like, a random pocket-universe where I met new people who I spontaneously had a lot in common with and thought about my future in entertainment business with just for fun. Orientation is where I met new people who I very un-spontaneously had at least one thing in common with, starting ut, and thought about my future for real.

I feel like I’ve got some things down, aka my class schedule and what music I could potentially listen to while walking around campus (my Austin playlist is a lot of vampire weekend and sza and I know that sounds like a weird combo but it feels insanely fitting) but for the most part I still very much have ABSOLUTELY ZERO IDEA WHAT I AM DOING!

I…. AM PANICKING BIG TIME RIGHT NOW… I CRIED LIKE A MINUTE BEFORE I STARTED WRITING THIS… WHICH I HAVE NOT DONE (at least not over anything that wasn’t a book or a tv show or a movie) THIS ENTIRE SUMMER!!!

This summer, although filled with a lot of nothing and empty spaces, felt so perfect and so teenage-me. Maybe not truly me, truly what I would have done in my perfect world, but just… what I would do as a teenager. I know I’m still technically going to be a teenager for at least awhile in college, but, not like this. Not the El Paso bred high school boredom tennis court by Lorde Gilmore girls crying teenager. I’ll be something else, whatever it is, and I have no idea what. I am afraid to meet her. I am excited I am scared I am going to vomit all over this new computer I bought for college

I went to a lot of movies this summer, mostly with nicole and mostly at the Alamo draft house and mostly before they came out (baby driver, good time, which I both liked but baby driver way more).

I got my drivers license and I passed the test by literally oNE POINT

I drove by myself to nicoles apartment and we had weird conversations about our psychic feelings and premonitions about our own lives and deaths. That was the first time I drove by myself and it was for about five minutes and I sung out loud to dua lipa the entire time because I feel like falling asleep any time I go in a moving vehicle and theres no music and my dad drove me back later because it was raining.

I also drove to pick up alondra the Friday before she left for college. Her first day of school was today and she left like a week early. She’s in South Carolina at college of Charleston and I’m even scared for her. We got chick fil a and went home and talked about da Vinci and being Latina outside of El Paso and random memories and feelings and nothing and everything and nothing again

I hung out with my grandpa a lot, who has been staying here all summer. Yesterday he showed me a picture of my great grandpa who I had never seen before and I was so shocked, he looked like a real Mexican movie star cowboy, I have no idea what John Wayne looks like but he should look like my great grandpa, panfilo vela. Yesterday in particular my grandpa worried about pregnant women because the solar eclipse was happening and they were not wearing safety pins, a latino superstition he said so firmly as a scientific fact that I was really confused and briefly wondering if there was some sort of pregnant women’s medical pin. My dad said ‘that’s part of his charm’’ believing things so intensely, I guess. I think I got some of that from him

I went to San Antonio last week with tia 1 and valerie and Abuelita and my family. Tia 2 is usually the one to go on vacations with us, but she has this new best friend who she is in a two-person cult with, with her BFF/Bestie/Twinsie (yes, she is a 40+ year old woman, who calls her that) being the leader and her being the devout follower, paying for all her tickets to schiltterbaun and the movies and everything she buys while shopping and all her food and yelling at her employees for getting mad at her for something to do with a water bottle I don’t know but it’s definitely throwing off the balance of the universe.

But it was fun, tia 1 is very loud and charismatic and doesnt give any fucks and now I like to say “no mas mis chicharrones truenan aqui” also I am mad I am not more tan

I learned how to make crepes I have made at least 7 successful ones

Okay. so. crying. Here’s a text I sent to the vampire weekend group chat earlier:

(redacted) I really feel like my dad raised me mostly and he just took me out to the fanciest dinner of my life as a “father-daughter dinner” before college and he ran into some friends who were older than him and they were like “ur gonna miss her it’s gonna suck!” And I think my dad almost cried and we talked about heaven in the car and now I’m home and there’s boxes in my room and I’m staring at them and crying

end text

My dad put together those boxes for me with longhorn tape. Burnt orange duct tape with white longhorn shapes on them, literally That’s where my arts and crafts related headassery comes from

I’m going to be staying in a dorm at UT with my own restroom and now I’m thinking do I even really know how to clean a shower NOT REALLY

I’m gonna end up googling it while I’m there

I feel like I don’t actually know how to iron like I’m doing it wrong for sure

The restaurant was called cafe central it’s in downtown El Paso which I think is really truly beautiful even though objectively it’s ugly I’m super emotional and so I think it’s extremely beautiful and it’s just. I feel . It’s just how I feel.

I feel so in touch with the El Paso city it doesn’t even feel real. I feel like all the abandoned buildings are just cardboard cutouts and I have the power to knock them over with my fingertips. the homeless guys there don’t even scare me that much even though they probably should, not even the old lady with the bandaids all over her hands who stole Isaac’s hot dog once

god. That dinner was so fancy and I kept thinking about all these early 2000s chick flicks where a girl eats in a fancy restaurant for one reason or another and I kept thinking about how I love my dad and I kept thinking about how why do we need four different knives and I kept thinking about how that place started in 1918 so it probably wouldn’t have allowed someone who looked like my dad in there for awhile but there I was sitting with my dark brown dad eating food with names and ingredients I have literally never heard of and the chocolate cake melted into itself and chamomile tea is a gift from god

I read a lot of matt Murdock fanfiction today.

How am I 18 years old? I don’t want to… do anything ever… I want to read fan fiction and lay face down on the floor, but not even those two things can be accomplished at the same time.

NOTE: (redacted) means I took something out in case some certain irl people read this, maybe I should’ve taken the thing about tia 2 out but, well, I am somewhat at peace with death

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Tess

A nice pre-Christmas argument

Tess joined the chat 2 hours ago Ali: Mamacita! How's tricks? Did you manage to get the gum out of Rocky's hair in the end or is he rocking a no.1 rn? Tess: It's hat season he'll be fine. It's your da you need to worry about if he doesn't get those bloody Christmas decs out Ali: At least you'll be saved the toxic fumes of the nit shampoo, like. I'll make him some earmuffs, ears like that, he'll get frostbite. Ali: Aww, leave off, he's got a bad back, like 😜 Ali: Caleb can come help with the heavy shit, he's like an ox, I'll be creative director, obvs, I've got the eye, he's got the body Ali: 😉 Tess: I hope you've got plenty of wool 'cause the dog got to ours and its a bloody state. He'll have a bad head to go with it in a minute. Nah you're alright bab Tommy's offered and Drew might as well make himself useful now he's sniffing round again. Ali: Well, there goes your classic jumper presents! Have to brave dem crowds, fight a bitch for the last...idk, what do kids even want these days? Last I heard from Rock mutant turtles and power rangers were back in vogue but they're probably out again, its been a week or so 😏 Contrary fuckers, eh? I was NEVER that bad, was I? Bet you wish you could relieve those easy years raising me, the dream child 😇 Ali: Alright then, though I wouldn't recommend confining Tommo and Drew to a space as small as the loft, T is gunning for him Ali: aren't we all? but hey 🤷 see if those muscles are just for show ay Tess: He's still on about that slime bollocks. Supposedly this stuff blows bubbles and expands or whatever. All I'm bothered about is that it says it ain't sticky. Better sodding not be. Ha! If you weren't being a little demon you were trying to raise them. Easy ain't the word love! Tess: I'll put Drew at the bottom of the ladder. Maybe some of the boxes'll land on his head. Knock some sense into the lad. Ro too seeing as she's never far. Ali: That shit is such a rip-off though, I could make him some dead cheap, tell him he can have it whatever colour, whatever random shit he wants in it, and no one else will have the same at School Ali: Save your money for the feast 💃'cos I won't be absolutely stuffed from my first xmas dinner, like, nah Ali: and demons need love too, ma, just ask Ro Ali: will he be joining us for meal numero dos? cos i don't think i can stomach 2 helpings of him in one day tbh Tess: Tell him yourself. I tried to make some with him in the summer and the ungrateful little sod wouldn't even come sit up the table. His loss. They loved it at work. Tess: Don't. That girl'll do me in one of these days . I'm surviving on spite by now 'cause he'll be eating with us over my dead body. Caleb's lot are welcome to keep him. Ali: I'm tellin ya get the kid some prescription speed, it'll do him wonders 😂 Well, that's another idea fucked...tis the season! Ali: I know, it ain't even funny at this point. Ali: You know she's gonna wanna go see him, yeah? You'll never get her to sit through games and shit telly once she's picked at her veg Ali: Its like kid swap up in here Tess: If I can get some what's on her plate into her instead of just the dog I'll be laughing. Fuck's sake. Kids who'd celebrate 'em? Grandkids on the other hand. Mary'd have been proper buzzing for that. Ali: Oi, woman! I'm right here Ali: and the giver of majority grandkids, so, think on, love Tess: You're even stevens kiddo. Keep it that way 'til you're done with uni yeah? Call that the xmas gift that keeps giving. Ali: yeah but a twofer ain't the same, is it? 😜 don't make promises i can't keep, ma Ali: engineering students are so fit, how will i resist? Tess: Tell that to Bea. I'm sure she'd have plenty to say back. Ali Mckenna don't test me there's plenty of room in the car when we go for Tommo's new specs I can get you in too. Ali: Yeah, yeah, she can lord it over me with her efficient vagina, getting it done in one, I'll be many bucks fizzes deep by then, give a shizzle Ali: Gurl, my vision is 20/20, in my third eye too, ooOOoOoOOOo Ali: Maybe Beatrice will prove again why she's your favourite daughter by distracting Ro so much with this London visit she won't have time to pine over Drew at all, happy days Tess: That's the spirit. Save your dad's back. He still thinks he's a brawler. Tess: Shh I don't have favorites I'm not one of your teachers. Tess: I'm sure Drew'll stay one text away throughout. Never off her phone now is she. Ali: Ahh, old man could still take him, Drew's a pussy Ali: I'll get Marlene round again lmao Ali: Suuuuuuuuuuuure ya don't 😏 Ali: We can only assume texting is a medium in which he really shines, 'cos seeing them IRL, doesn't make sense, so... Tess: Now that girl is a fave, thinking 'bout it. Yeah I like her. Tess: He must know his selfie angles or some shit. Tess: You tell me I'll never see the appeal. Ali: oh, sweet mama, if only you'd voiced your preference sooner, maybe i'd of married her and had lots of gaybies instead Ali: alas 🤣 Ali: you sound 100, do you feel it? 😉 Ali: he's a vessel for her hopes and dreams, init, but he ain't, he just needs to man up and move the fuck on so she can too Tess: Like you've ever listened to your ma. Double it and you ain't close, bab. I'm in those vampiric numbers here. Tess: Yeah. Maybe try telling her that. Ali: You wish you were a vampire. Which, tbh, is telling of how old you is. Ain't nothing cool about being a basement dwelling weirdo who can't sample the wonder and joy of garlic bread. Ali: Why don't you? Oh wait, cos it ain't for either of us to say it so we'll just sit here like bitter old lemons Ali: You're a bad influence, lady Tess: If that's what you think about vampire lore then I ain't gonna even waste my breath young'un. Tess: I have, cheers. I ain't sitting on my arse doing fuck all for you lot even if that's what you reckon. Tess: Exactly. Learn a lesson. Ali: Mhmm, go tell it to the lost boys 'cos I don't give a damn, I'm getting doughballs baby Ali: Pshhh, well fat lot of good its done, why you setting me up to fail then?! Ali: I know when to bow out gracefully Tess: I don't need to 'cause we'll all be snacking. If you'd watched that movie when I offered you'd know garlic don't work in that verse. Tess: There's nothing graceful about tapping out with a fight left to finish. I thought you'd been set up to go 'til the final bell but do what you've gotta do. Or don't. Tess: There's plenty of other shit stuck to the fridge singing your praises like Ali: No thank you, there's watching some lame for jokes, then there's forcing yourself to endure kiefer sutherland and co Ali: That's sadism. Ali: Well, there's nothing graceful about kicking a girl when she's down Ali: going blow for blow ain't always the right approach, is it? not with someone like Ro so don't start alright Tess: Lame? And you wonder why you ain't my fave. Tess: Helping your sister up is always the right approach if you don't want her to stay down. Tess: I'm not starting anything. I've said my piece. End of. Ali: C'mon, I know even Joe couldn't pretend to like it, like Ali: That's my point, she ain't fell yet, she's on a Drew-related high so pardon me from not trying take the rug from up under her Ali: not that I could if I tried, like I said, what good has you 'saying your piece' done? Ali: sometimes all you can do is be there to pick up the pieces after, that's just facts Tess: You all take after your da is why. No taste none of ya. Tess: It's done me a lot of good being able to get it on the record each time, cheers. Tess: sometimes that's a cop out 'cause you want a easy life Tess: Fact is there's plenty that could have been done before he did his reappearing act. Ali: Oh, yeah? Like what? Changing her entire worldview in time for tea? Ali: If it was that easy, you would've managed it by now Ali: Don't be so hard on yourself, your not doing her, or any of us, a favour with this shit Tess: He's a dealer it is that easy. It ain't my job to manage it though. You all wanna be treated like adults and have me wipe your arses for you at the same time I think not. Do yourself and her, a favor and use that big brain of yours. Ali: You think she doesn't know? Now who's being thick Ali: She doesn't care, so unless you're planning to cop shop him that means sweet fuck all doesn't it Tess: It ain't about what she knows. Last I checked he's not the only dealer in Dublin. There's still some honor among scumbags and more than one way to get caught out. Ali: Aww, such a softie at heart, ain't ya? Tess: Takes one to know one. Ali: That is one small step above 'I know you are but what am I?' Ali: No one wants Drew to get kneecapped or Ro to be collateral but he wants to be treated like an adult, so we can't wipe his arse, can we? Tess: Speak for yourself I'd spend my reddies to see that. However bad he thinks he is there's always someone worse and the sooner he learns it the better for all of us having to watch him play silly beggars Tess: Ro's worth a million of him maybe when she's grown up she'll know it. Ali: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're such a hard bitch. Maybe if he'd got proper help from people like you he woulda turned out better when he was grown too. Ali: It ain't too late for either of them. Tess: I'm what I've had to be. I can't save 'em all. Not even close. You'd be well to stay away from him if you've still got the sense you were born with. Ali: Yeah but you still try, don't you? Read back your previous wisdom for your answer there. Ali: Bit hard when we live in the same gaff isn't it but I can assure you I'm not going out of my way to be his bestie, mother Tess: I ain't about to flog a dead dog. He ain't a stupid kid anymore and what happened when he was a little 'un ain't an excuse either Tess: Nobody's got it easy. Tess: It's up to him to work out if his turning point's come and gone or if he even reckons he needs one. Ali: You don't have to but you can see the pretense Ro is working under, yeah? She doesn't think she's doing anything wrong and, arguably, she ain't. But sometimes all you get for your efforts is a kick in the teeth. Ali: Nobody's got it easy. Ali: It's up to HER to call time, not us. Tess: Who says? I've been there. Thinkin I had it all and knew even more about my future with my dream boy. Nobody came to clue me in but even now I wish they fucking had done. Ali: Like you'd have listened. Tess: If I had someone who gave a shit maybe Tess: She'd listen to you. Ali: Say you had, would you have done anything differently? Even if you knew how it'd go, if you didn't have Ronnie, you might still be with Josh now Ali: It changes everything about you Ali: I don't think she would. There's no reasoning because there is no reason, or rhyme for that matter Tess: Of course I would. I'd do everything differently. I'm not trying to romanticise who I was. Or am. Tess: Change ain't no bad thing when it comes to this. Or me Tess: Because you don't wanna think that she would and deal with all the shit that comes with her doing that. I don't blame ya but that don't make it right Tess: it's still a cop out. Ali: Well, I hope it soothes YOUR soul villainizing yourself because as someone who's half you, it's not something that is helpful, at all. Ali: Who's been there for her after every break-up? Who has to listen to every fucking detail? It ain't been you. And I can assure you I didn't spend those times when he was out of the picture singing his fucking praises. I HAVE told her. Everyone has. It just pisses you off that you can't fix this, or her. Tess: You're all you. Your own person. End of. Tess: And it should help you to know the truth. I was a bad person Ali and I ain't exactly sainted now. I do my best that's all any of us've got. Deal with it. Tess: I'm sorry you want a gold star or pat on the head for doing what you're supposed to for who you love. You're not getting it from me. Try your luck with your da maybe. Tess: And yeah it does piss me off so what? Ali: That isn't close to being true. There's no such thing as an individual, sorry to burst your bubble. Ali: And no one is one or the other. Christ, you're so fucking old testament. Ali: If your going in for all that shite, you should look at how revered a knocked-up teenage girl is whilst you're at it Ali: No one gives a shit about your war stories, they don't help anyone but you so you keep all that anger and hold it tight 'cos none of us are here for it any more Ali: Good luck trying to get Rocky to sit still so you can tell him all about damnation to scare him straight, good fucking luck Tess: You're not gonna change my mind. If you were anything close to being half of me we wouldn't be having this conversation. Tess: Life's black and white for me. That's what happens when you don't have choices. Call it what you like. Tess: And there's nothing to be preached to me about being a knocked up teen by you or anyone else. I ain't trying to either you just think it's that onesided 'cause you never listen Tess: There you go again speaking for everyone else when you mean yourself. But whatever. Tess: Get your own stories and leave mine out of it. Tess: Grow up, Ali. Ali: Now there's a copout if I ever heard one. Ali: Listen to what? What are you spouting but hot air? Ali: Oh, yeah? What one of your sainted children has benefitted? Ronnie hates you, Joe's a junkie, me and Fraze did exactly what you did. Ali: Tommy is passable but he's unhappy as fuck so, well done there. You've only got one left. Ali: What's the point? No one can ever match up to your infinite wisdom, I'd rather stay young so I knew what the hell I was talking about instead of making myself look like an old fool