#NO PHYSICAL CONTACT OR AFFECTION UNLESS OKAYED BY HER THERAPIST????

[ty-bayonet-betteridge]

SHES RIGHT AND SHE SHOULD SAY IT

[nonplatonicsubtext]

“What do you advise?” I asked. “About the non-school, non-Ward stuff?”

“Pay attention when she talks about new friends or people in particular, get ahead of that, introduce yourself, keep a close eye on things. Talk to her teachers. Talk to her foster parents, or the people at whatever institution she’s at. They’re probably pretty overloaded, but make them pay attention. Get everyone on the same page. Same rules for everyone, boundaries, sticking to those boundaries, limit physical contact and gestures of affection unless okayed by the therapist.”

My eyebrows drew together. I glanced at Tristan, and he gestured, hand moving as if to dismiss, urging me to move on. I was pretty sure Houndstooth saw it too.

He didn’t speak up or act on it, though.

I made a mental note about the emphasis on foster parents. I’d need to have a conversation with others and pay more attention to Julien and his wife.

“Frankly, I’d really lock down the school thing. See if you can have her rotate classes or do something non-classroom. Discourage friendships with classmates, because that’s not going to go well. If she starts showing true romantic interest in anyone, shut it down hard. I wouldn’t advise her being on your team, frankly.”

“That’s extreme,” I said.

“It’s dehumanizing and disgusting,” Ashley said. “Until she’s better, no human contact or relationships. Nobody can get close to her, nobody can show kindness, nobody can help her or accept help from her? Just a breath or two away from you saying you don’t ever think she’ll be normal. You’re disgusting.”

She was starting to walk away, toward the path that had led us up the hill.

“Ashley,” I said. “I get what you’re saying, but we did agree to hear him out as a favor.”

“You hear him out then,” she said. “Tell me what you think I need to hear when you tell the others. But I’m not going to stay here and listen to this degenerate imbecile reduce her to a problem that can be solved like that. She’s human.”

and then it turned out ashley was wrong and houndstooth was right and they shouldve listened to him all along

[anotheronechicagobog]

Ethan Choi x reader I Love and Lies

written by @anotheronechicagobog​

A/N: Swearing, cheating, jealousy, mention of sex, pregnancy, depression

A/N 2:  Requested by @raveenasblog​ Sorry this took so long, I haven’t been super motivated to write long works for a while.

You sighed as you collapsed back into your chair, the force causing you to wheel backwards into your desk. “Ow, fuck.” You collected yourself before someone from the team saw, they’d never let you live it down. Just in time too, as Hailey burst through your door. “Y/L/N, we need you to run some financials and internet history on a suspect, David Johnson, male, 42, DOB 20th of September 1978.”

“Got it.”

“You okay? You seem down.”

“No, but it’s kind of personal. And not my personal, someone else’s personal. Long story.”

“Oh, well I hope it works out. And if you want to get your mind off it we can go out with Kim for deep dish.”

“Thanks.”

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After Crockett Marcel joined the staff at Gaffney medical centre you not only befriended him quickly, but you had also been trusted with a secret you couldn’t keep. April Sexton cheated on Ethan Choi with Crockett Marcel. Ethan was a tad older than you and a serious navy vet, so you didn’t have a lot to bond on at first. It was when you’d run into each other at your favourite Italian restaurant after you’d both been on god-awful blind dates that your friendship started to bloom. The restaurant had been packed and there wasn’t room for both of you to have a table to yourself. Even though you didn’t know each other well, it seemed like the best question. It became a tradition for you two to meet up after blind dates or setups and decompress. It helped deal with the fact that neither of you had friends good at match-making. 

When you’d caught April at that party your heart broke for one of your best friends. You didn’t know what to do. Ethan was in love with April, above all else, and he wanted to marry her. He’d asked for your and Maggie’s help with ring shopping. You knew that things were a little tense between them, but you’d always thought so highly of April, you never thought that she would do something like this. And to make things more difficult, you were under a bit of a time crunch. You had to tell him soon or he’d be upset that you’d kept it from him. And he had been deployed for two months with no contact. He was coming back in a couple of days and you weren’t sure how to break it to him. You knew that it would be best if April was the one who told him, but she’d told you outright days after it happened that Ethan didn’t need to know. But she was wrong and you knew it.

Ethan deserved to know that the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with and have children with ‘accidentally’ kissed someone else. It broke your heart but you had to tell him when he got back.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He’d been back for three days and still hadn’t seen you. Citing ‘April this’ and ‘April that’. And while you could understand one day, three was suspicious, and you knew that April was trying to keep him away from you. You were furious, how dare she cheat on him and then try to cover it up. 

You’d dropped by med later that day when you texted Ethan and he actually said yes. Apparently April had to work a double so he was free from her clutches. When you arrived at the entrance in your car to pick him up it was quite clear that she was trying to stop him, visibly panicking and grabbing onto him. 

“Ethan are you ready to go?”

“NO! He- He’s not going. He... Is going to work another shift. Or go home. Just... He is NOT going anywhere with you!”

“Why not, April?”

“Because... Because she... She’s in love with you!”

“What?”

“You think I’m what?”

“Yes! She told me at Crockett and Maggie’s party after you left! She said that she was going to try to come between us!”

“I did not say that. I saw April kissing the new doctor, Crockett Marcel, at the party he and Maggie threw. I tried talking to her about it, but she said that she and Marcel didn’t think you needed to know.”

“I can’t believe you Y/N.”

“Excuse me?”

“You heard him Y/N.”

“I didn’t say any of that. I don’t love you, Ethan, not romantically at least, she is lying. I know that this is a she said, she said situation. We’ve been so close for so long, I wouldn’t do anything to cause you unnecessary hurt or drama. You have to know that.”

“She accepted my proposal, Y/N, and she’s been trying to warn me for days. I didn’t listen to her because we’ve been friends for so long, but you coming at her with an outright lie just proves she’s right. I can’t believe you would do this.”

“But I didn’t.”

“I don’t believe you. I... I am going to go home, and I think you should stay away from us Y/N.” He stepped beside April, slinging his arm around her waist and staring you down in that cold, navy, disapproving way. It physically hurt your heart and you could feel yourself gasping for breath. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You don’t really remember driving to your apartment, but you do remember Ethan not leaving April’s side until you were in your car and driving away. Your body shuddered and convulsed as you tried to muffle your own cries. Ethan had spent weeks searching for the perfect ring, smiled dreamily at the thought of having children with her. It ripped you to pieces that April threw it all away and that Ethan didn’t believe you. After all the years you’d been friends, all the time spent together, and he didn’t trust you. He didn’t hear the wavering and panic in April’s voice, the floundering in her normally collected sentences, and the visible queues that showed she was grasping at straws. 

Three heavy knocks later and Hailey was picking your door lock. You really need to give her a key.  “Y/N how are you? I heard what happened.”

“Seriously? Everyone knows already? I knew that everyone would hear about some variation of what happened, but it hasn’t even been an hour!... Does everyone know?”

“Yes. I heard about it from Mouch when he dropped some lunch off for Platt.”

“Oh my god... Do you believe me?” You must have looked so pathetic, like Bambi asking for his mother. “Yes. I know how much his friendship means to you. And I know that you aren’t in love with him.”

“I’ll take the deep dish pizza now if you don’t mind.”

“Kim’s bringing it. And red velvet cake.”

“You guys are the best.”

“We know, now where did you put the tequila you got from Mexico?”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Molly’s had become your favourite pub since you first got the job of ‘thank the heavens that Ruzek doesn’t have to do tech stuff anymore’ in intelligence. The drinks were good, the food was good, and the staff was always friendly. Since your confrontation with Ethan and April, you’d avoided going. Any time you’d seen Sylvie and Emily at spin class they shot you awkward glances and actually asked you what you thought about the weather. While they’d stumbled through an explanation that they weren’t taking sides you just wished a hole would open up underneath you. You stuck close to Kim after that. Med as a whole was a mess of hatred and anger towards you. Apparently Doris had even gathered some nurses together to refuse to treat you if you ever came in. And they were always making snappy comments to the rest of the intelligence unit whenever they had to be there, and Jay got into a fight with Ethan. You’d apologized profusely to your team but they would hear none of it, they believed you.

It had been three months and you were feeling so lonely and depressed. You’d lost over half of your friends in one day, you were isolated and exhausted. You worked long hours and had no one to decompress with, Trudy was still setting you up on terrible blind dates, and while you’d been eating there by yourself since Ethan and April started dating, being alone and feeling alone were two different things. Now you were in a rut. Just floating through existence. And you didn’t hate it. You didn’t feel anything actually, and while it didn’t scare you, it did scare your remaining friends.

You would see a therapist, but because American medical coverage is so screwed up your insurance only approves doctors from MED unless it’s an emergency and MED isn’t the closest hospital. So despite the fact that all your co-workers were on edge worrying about your mental health and how it affects the rest of your well-being, they couldn’t pressure or push you into getting help because there were some doctors and nurses who had outright said they wouldn’t help you. No matter how scared they got or how tempting jumping off a building sounded to you. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Someone was banging at your door. At three in the morning. If this had happened four months ago you’d be grabbing your bat. Now, you were too tired to give a fuck. The knocking was staggered, in rhythm and noise level. So whoever was on the other side of that door was probably drunk out of their mind. You went a little out of your mind when you saw the man standing in front of you. The man you’d gone out of your way two avoid since his and Maggie’s party. Crockett Marcel. Red eyes, puffy cheeks, slurring nonsense and all.

“I-- M, *hic* sww. I srry. Sorry. Kigg.”

“Why don’t you come in?” You helped an incredibly inebriated Crockett Marcel to your couch. “I sy- swww-”

“Go to sleep doc, you need it.” You moved a garbage can next to the couch and put a blanket over him. One of your best ones, soft and fluffy. One tall glass of water and a couple of Tylenol were placed on the side table near his head before you went back to bed. This’ll be fun to talk about in the morning. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The morning arrived with the smell of drunken sweat in your living room. Your late-night visitor was on the precipice of waking up, rolling around and fidgeting, trying to get comfy. Though you suspected the hangover was hindering that. You sighed, deciding that you’d wake him up after you finished the pancakes. Sizzling butter and batter wafted into your nose as you carefully placed chocolate chips in the image of a smiley face, hoping that would at least stave off the awkwardness. Crockett kept swearing in French and moved to cover his eyes with a pillow. You laughed as you flipped the last pancakes onto one main plate. Walking over to your guest you pondered how to wake him up. Screaming in his ear? No, too cruel. Pulling away the pillow? Still too mean. Telling him you’ll eat all the pancakes if he doesn’t get up? Perfect. “Marcel, if you’re not up soon, I’m gonna eat all the pancakes I made. And you can’t get mad at me for it.” You sauntered away with a smile on your face, silently hoping that he wouldn’t wake up so you could have all those pancakes to yourself. Soft and buttery, slathered with Canadian maple syrup.

Unfortunately, that was all it took for him to get up. Groaning and moving sluggishly, he made his way to your kitchen island and sat on the other side of the corner. “Thank you. I’m sorry about last night, I just... I feel really bad.”

“About what in particular?”

“Kissing a woman who was already in a relationship, not saying anything about it to the rest of the hospital, causing you a lot of trouble, and... Falling in love with the woman who’s life I ruined.” You froze mid-chew. His troubled eyes were boring into you. “Me?” While your question was muffled by the combination of pancake, syrup, and butter it got across. “Yeah,” he chuckled and smiled softly at you before tensing, “don’t worry, I know you don’t love me. How could you after what I did? Plus you’re in love with Choi-”

“No I’m not. That’s just something April said to cover up what happened.”

“Do you really not see it or are you just denying it?”

“I’m not denying anything, Ethan is- was. Was one of my best friends. And I miss him.”

“Miss him how?”

“He has such a calming energy, like the eye in the storm. Yes, you know it’s gonna get crazy again, but you appreciate the peace it brings you. Even if it’s only for a few moments. He was always so serious, which I like cause I’m serious too. The only jokes he knows how to make are puns, everyone else hates them but I love them. Ethan... He makes me smile, my life hasn’t been the same since he left it. It’s... duller without him. My heart physically aches most times.”

The realization was sudden and terrifying.

“Oh my gods...”

“There it is.”

“I am in love with Ethan.”

“Finally.”

“I am a horrible person.”

“Wait, what? How do you figure that out?”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The week following your revelation was hard. You felt terrible, despite Crockett’s assurances, you worried that you insisted on telling Ethan the truth because of your feelings. While your head knew that wasn’t true, that you were happy to see Ethan happy, your heart worried. You didn’t know what to think of yourself if you had subconsciously ruined your best friend’s relationship.

Intelligence had also caught a hard case. Cases involving kids rarely ended well and since this one involved a child trafficking ring and identifying all of the perpetrators and victims, your days had been filled with the screams and cries of abused, exploited and tortured children. You felt like your soul needed to be deep cleansed. You’d found all the children and identified two hundred and thirty-three children so far, another eighty-seven to go. Everyone, including Voight, had been much gentler around you. Normally he hated going down to your office because you’d decorated it with colour, things that make you happy, and just generally didn’t look like the office of the tech expert of Chicago’s most elite law enforcement team, but he’d been coming down to check on you and drag you upstairs for food and water. It had been a nice reminder that you weren’t completely alone, and that not all of the world was built with evil and fear. 

“Y/L/N, we got ‘em. And SVU ID’d the rest of the kids. Families have been called. You should go home, get some sleep. And the meticulous notes you keep qualify as a report, so you’re done. Don’t argue. And eat a vegetable.”

You snorted and rolled your eyes. “Yes, dad.”

“Don’t use that tone with me young lady.” A smirk briefly played on his lips. You laughed, grateful for the position he had in your life, and walked up to the bullpen with him. When you reached the top of the stairs you were greeted by chaos. And not the usual chaos. Jay looked like he wanted to punch a hole in a wall, Hailey was being held back by Adam and Kevin as she cursed and tried to claw at whatever was in front of her, Rojas and Kim were debating the pros and cons of using a police baton, Trudy was pinching her nose and looking like she was restraining herself from shooting everyone, and the SVU agents looked confused and a little afraid honestly. “What’s going on here?” Everyone parted like the red sea for their boss to reveal Ethan Choi. “You have got a lot of nerve to show up here.”

“I’m just here to talk to Y/N. To... Apologize.” You could tell by his sunken features, red eyes, and bloody knuckles that he knew. He knew that you told the truth. Pain danced around like a musical behind his eyes. No matter how empty he had left your life you never wanted him to feel the way he clearly did. However, you weren’t in any mood to deal with this. “Guys, let go of him, you’re scaring our guests. Ethan, can we talk tomorrow? It’s been a long day and I’m really tired.” You didn’t even wait for a response, just walked out from behind Voight and right past everyone, only stopping to say goodnight to Trudy on your way out.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning you woke up... Warm. It was the first time you’d felt something other than emptiness since the whole debacle began. Your apartment smelled good, like fried butter. You quirked your eyebrow, hearing sizzling coming from the direction of your kitchen. You doubted a criminal would break in just to cook breakfast and only three people had a key to your place. Hailey, Ethan, and Voight, given to them in that order. Hailey only really knew how to cook greek food, Voight never used it unless it was an emergency, and despite all that had gone between you two, Ethan never gave his copy back. Leaving your aluminum hello kitty baseball bat by your bed you make your way to the kitchen. Ethan stood in a Navy t-shirt and jeans in front of your stove. Three pans in front of him, one with scrambled eggs, hash browns, and pancakes. “Morning Ethan.” His head slowly turned to meet yours. “Good morning Y/N... Uh, it is tomorrow...”

“It is. What’s for breakfast?”

A slight smile picked up, some weight lifting off his shoulders. “My specialty. You up for it?”

“Always. Uh, Crockett told me. I’m sorry, I want you to know that I did believe you, I just-”

“‘Didn’t want to.”

“Yeah. I’m also sorry about the treatment you received from everyone, really. I told April not to involve anyone else, but she started screaming it from the rooftops the second she could. I know that there were people who didn’t want to take sides but they ended up doing so anyway. I’m sorry about that too. I’ve heard a lot, I know how isolated you became, so I know that it will be hard to forgive me. If there’s anything you want, anything I can do, please tell me. I’m sorry.”

“Did you make enough breakfast for both of us?”

“Of course.” Smiles were met with smiles as Ethan placed all of the hot food on serving plates.

“So now that you know, what’s happening with you and...”

“I broke up with April. I’ve known for a couple of weeks actually, I just... I tried to work it out with her, tried to move past it, but I couldn’t. It was too much, I was too betrayed. Not only did she cheat on me with a man who had just moved to this region of the country, she lied about it, and did everything she could to frame and torture you for what she did. I just woke up one day and I knew I was done. We’d been trying to have a baby but when I stopped focusing solely on having a baby I realized that I didn’t want that with her. She clearly doesn’t love me if she was able to do what she did, and not only would a baby not be able to fix our relationship, but it would be cruel to drag a child into that.”

“I never wanted to hurt you, Ethan, I just thought that you deserved to know, and I’m so sorry about the pain that this situation has dolled on you.”

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two months had passed and you were re-adjusting to having all of your friends back. From most you’d received an apology and a drink at Molly’s (that had not been a fun hangover), from Sylvie and Nat you had been given homemade cookies in lieu of alcohol, but for the most part laughter and a hug was more than enough. There were few though who didn’t apologize to you and glared at you with hate-filled eyes. You had expected April to be doing that, but most of the nurses were sticking to their guns with her. It didn’t matter that Crockett had come forward, or that she’d admitted it had happened and that she’d lied about you, or that you weren’t the only person who saw that kiss as it turned out, they held you responsible for April’s reputation taking a hit and Chexton’s break up. You had a hard time caring, though. April made a mistake and no matter how much she lied or tried to hide it, it still came out. It wasn’t your fault that she cheated on Ethan, or that she had actively made everything worse.

Ethan and you had been making up for lost time, going to the zoo and aquarium, binging Grand Tour on Amazon Prime, and eating at your favourite Italian restaurant. It felt good to get back into your rhythm, having an unofficial schedule to organize your time together. Today Ethan was waiting for you to pick him up from work so that you both could go see the new baby otter at the aquarium. You had pulled up in front of Gaffney and texted him saying that you were outside and waiting. Just after you’d clicked send there was a knock on the window beside you. You jumped, whipping your head around to see April staring at you with her arms crossed and her chest heaving. Steeling yourself, you exited your car. “Hi April.”

“Really? That’s all you can say? You ruined my life and all you can say is hi?”

“April, I’m sorry for how hard everything must be for you right now, but I didn’t ruin anything. That was all you.”

“If you had just left it alone everything would be fine!”

“April-”

“NO! If you hadn’t insisted on telling him I wouldn’t have worked so hard to make everyone hate you, everything would have been fine. But you just had to go and destroy everything!” April started to cry, tears flowing down her cheeks as she hiccuped and wrapped her arms around herself. You couldn’t bring yourself to be angry, your lives were always filled with drama and pain, and sometimes you felt like you lived in a procedural soap drama, so you couldn’t blame her for holding onto her happiness for dear life. You sighed and reached for her, “come here.”

The two of you stood like that for several minutes until Ethan approached you both with his eyebrows raised. “April.”

“Ethan! You have to know that I never wanted to hurt you, never wanted you to find out!”

“... That’s terrible, April. Look, I’m done. We’re done. Please, just let go.”

“No, I can’t! I love you!”

“No, you don’t. If you loved me you wouldn’t have kissed someone else, or lied about it, or tried to silence and then blame Y/N. What we had, it wasn’t love. We loved each other once, but not in a long time.”

“Ethan-”

“Y/N and I have plans, April.” April shoved you off of her and rocketed away from you violently, sprinting to the ED as fast as she can.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You were on a date. Sort of. It had been a year and a few months, close to two years, since Ethan and April split and everyone knew the truth. Hailey, Kim, and Vanessa were constantly on you about dating, setting you up onblind dates, signing you up for dating apps, and introducing you to random guys they happen to meet who are single and cute. Ethan quietly asked why you didn’t just date someone to get them to stop. Crockett (who, much to Ethan’s dismay, you’d become good friends with) laughed and offered his services as your boyfriend with a wink. He meant it as a joke. It was a joke. But now, as you were standing by his side in a gown with his arm around your waist, you wondered if he actually was joking, or if he was flirting and you just didn’t pick up on it. When the fancy schmancy business guys left Crockett turned to you with a weary smile. “Thanks, again for coming with me. Goodwin would’ve had my head if I came alone.”

“Well, hey, like you said, this’ll get the girls off my back.”

“I have to admit, I did have an ulterior motive for asking you- don’t panic, I’m not going to profess my love for you or anything. I’ve moved on from you actually. The ulterior motive was to make Choi jealous.”

“What?”

“Look, you love him, and he loves you. I can see it, and so can everyone else. However, it has become apparent that neither of you plan to do anything about it. It has also become apparent that Ethan does not like it when I... do anything that involves you being near me honestly. Least of all that we’re actually friends. He gets jealous, very easily. I was hoping that you being my date for the evening would make him do something about it. Plus, you’re gorgeous and intelligent, the perfect companion for another dull gala.”

“Crockett, he doesn’t-”

“He does. Even April sees it.”

“Crockett-”

“Ah! Dr. Marcel, there you are. I have been looking for you, I want to discuss the hybrid OR project you’re working on with Dr. Rhodes.”

“Of course. This is my date for the evening, Y/N Y/L/N, she is a senior investigative digital analyst with the Chicago Police department.”

“A pleasure.” 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All in all, you’d had fun at the gala. The booze was free, so was the delicious food, and while you didn’t like dressing to the nines all the time, it was fun to do for one night. The gala had been held at one of the fancier, older, expensive hotels on the waterfront so you and Crockett snapped some amazing pictures. Ethan didn’t do a lot on social media, it just wasn’t his thing, but he texted you seconds from when the first photo was posted to tell you that you looked stunning. You were a bit disappointed, hoping that Crockett had been telling the truth when he said that Ethan loves you. You sighed and shook your head before exiting your office to grab a snack from the breakroom. You didn’t have a case so it had just been a paperwork day, Hailey held up her mug for you to grab as you walked past her desk to the breakroom. You grabbed a bag of chips for yourself and had just finished Hailey’s coffee when your phone rang. “Hello?”

“Hey girl, look I’d love to chat but this is a business call.”

“Oh?”

“Ethan and Crockett got into a screaming match outside of the ED, Ethan got so angry and went to storm off but he turned around and ran into a concrete pillar.”

“Oh my god.”

“He’s fine, got a few scrapes, but he seems really out of it, we don’t think he should be driving. You’re his emergency contact, can you come get him?”

“Yeah, I’ll just let Voight know, I’ll be there soon.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Maggie met your eyes and pointed to a room that had the curtains closed. You darted in, finding an annoyed looking Ethan lying on the bed with his arms crossed. There were a couple of light scrapes but no other visible injuries. You’d gotten him back to your apartment easily enough but he was completely silent. “Hey-”

“Do you love him?”

“What?”

“Do you love Crockett?”

“No! He’s a great friend but he’s not my type.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure. Where is all this coming from? And why did you get into an argument with Crockett?”

“I, I have been going out of my mind since I found out that you were going with Crockett to that fundraising gala. I can’t lose you! And especially not to him.”

“You’re not going to lose me, Ethan. Goodwin told him he had to bring a date and he knew that the girls were breathing down my neck. It wasn’t a big deal, okay? Ethan why are you looking at me like that?”

“Because I love you. So much.” You didn’t respond with words, just latched your lips onto his. The rest of the night was filled with nudity, moans, groans, ecstacy, and whispers of love and promise.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two months later you were being dragged into the ED by a worried Ethan. Before started dating him you’d been friends with him long enough to know that just going along with whatever he needs to feel better is the best option.

“Nat, something’s wrong with Y/N.”

“What makes you say that?”

“She’s been throwing up at all times of day for the past week, can’t hold down food, and she fainted this morning.”

“Alright, let’s get you in a room. Maggie?”

“Treatment four.”

Once you were in bed and had blood drawn you took Ethan’s hand. “I’m fine. You don’t need to worry.”

“Worrying about you is my job as your boyfriend.”

“Sorry to interrupt, but I have news. Good news.”

You and Ethan looked at each other as you clasped your hands together and sat up straighter. “You’re pregnant. Eight weeks along by the looks of it. Congrats guys, you’re going to be parents.”

Ethan sprung up and started kissing you all over your face. You had never been this happy in your life. Suddenly he stopped. “Are you okay with this? Being pregnant? I don’t want you to feel pressured-” You grabbed his collar and pulled his face to yours. Kissing him deeply, and lovingly. “Ethan, I am so happy. I have always wanted to be a mother, and now I have the chance. With the man I love. This is the best day of my life.”

“Have I told you how much I love you today?”

“Yes, but I’d be overjoyed to hear it again. And again, for the rest of our lives.

[nappinenn]

contact, wild card

Contact: how does your OC(s) feel about touch/physical contact? are they affectionate? if so, how do they display affection to others?

Ziggy - Hates it unless she's drunk or it's Ellen. Needs plenty of personal space and tends to show affection mostly by doing little things like noticing what kind of starbursts you like so she can leave them uneaten. Makes it a point to perform some sort of PDA with Ellen, so people know they're dating because she's afraid someone might try to hit on her gf.

Ellen - Uncomfortable with strangers, but very affectionate with friends and family. Loves playing with Ziggys hair, especially when they cuddle as they go to sleep. Loves hugs and often leaves notes for people to find. Also overtly concerned of others and their well-being and easily falls into Mom-mode.

Bee - Used to be a big fan, but is wary of it now. Zero interest in romantic affairs. Shows affection and intimacy by being present in the moment and by giving the person he is interacting with his undivided attention. Does engage with friendly shoulder pats and once in a blue moon if someone is willing; a comforting hug (they are VERY good).

Randall: He's a player so ake what you will from that. Has a crush on Ziggy and tries to do some flirty shoulder punches etc. while at work. She punched him back once and he lost a tooth, but at least Ziggy took it home with her which he assumed was just her way of saying she likes him even if it was weird. Very cuddly but kind of an oblivious dumbass so don't expect any emotional awareness from him.

Wild card: talk about any oc! Anything you want!

Okay!! I'm gonna use this to name a couple of them and give you some basic info, since I've never really talked about them 💕

Ziggy, 24, F, a poodle

You've met her! She is the light coloured poodle gal I draw sometimes :D

Ziggy is a complete and utter party animal, has temperament issues and she's just like when she was a teen, except now she's forced to do taxes sometimes. She isn't sociable and many people dislike her as she can be a little crude, standoffish and rude, but she is kind at heart and loves those close to her dearly...in her own way. Ziggy is a heavy smoker, but due to encouragement (read; relentless whining and deep concern) from her girlfriend Ellen, she is trying to transfer to vaping. She doesn't enjoy it as much, but the watermelon flavour has made her more willing to at least try. She also drinks a little too much, and her boss is most displeased about it (she is a bartender at a bar called Sewer Rat). She started HRT at 18.

Ellen, 22, NB, a bombay cat

Goes by she/they but prefers she, is butch, and very progressive. Many people can find her off-putting at first, because she struggles with displaying and reading facial expressions. She is however extremely kind and friendly and tends to keep her girlfriend on a leash aka out of jail for punching a cop or something similar (unless justified!). She grew up too quickly, having to take care of her father who developed bipolar after her mom left. She is responsible and sometimes plays the violin and is oddly good at ballet. Has a distressing obsession with teeth and likes to collect them so having a punch-happy gf has proven to be a real asset in that regard! She does freelancer video editing and photography.

Bee, 37, M, a schnauzer

Weird guy and overly friendly so he can come off as creepy, especially with his unkept appearance. Completely oblivious about it tho and is just overall Extremely sweet. Lonely and jobless, lives off alimony checks he gets from his rich ex-wife. Depressed and still hung up on her, but is trying to let her go since she married the man she had had an affair with for the last 5 years of their marriage. Some fridays the lesbians next door invite him over for dinner and game night. He often brings the only dish he knows how to make, lasagna, because the girls seem to only eat fast food.

Sad because he always wanted to be a dad but couldn't have kids of his own with his ex, so he often hangs out near the fire escape he shares with the other lesbian, Ziggy, so they can chat while she's smoking out her window. Helping Ziggy with her problems has brought him such deep fulfilment he started online university and studies to become a therapist.

Bee is a nickname he was given in middle school, his full name is Bentley.

Randall, 26, M, French bull terrier

A bartender with Ziggy at Sewer Rat. Works out a lot. Doesn't really understand the woke thing and think there is still hope for him because her co-worker had a boyfriend once, even tho she's dated her girlfriend for 4 years. The girlfriend also looks a little like a guy, so maybe she's not a lesbian. Kind of an ass. Lives in a flat with 3 housemates, two being his twin Trevor and adopted brother Stephen. He is the 'middle' pup which has always left him in the shadows of his brothers, especially after Stephen because he was only a few months old when his parents adobted him. A bit bitter, and likes to play pranks. Just an average asshole of a dude. Still, somewhere deep in his heart has hopes of becoming a better person.

Trevor, 26, M, a French bull terrier

An overachiever, suffers from anxiety and wants to have a better relationship with Randall. Skateboards in competitions sometimes and works in an art gallery part-time while going to law school and taking online courses of his true passion; coding. A true busy bee, but only because he is pressured to. Keeps the boys of the household in check and is often labelled as the 'not fun' one. Loyal and kind person, just wants what's best for everyone, especially his brothers. Dislikes their parents, but respects them so keeps his mouth shut. Enjoys politics and often goes to protests and donates go charities. Just wants to sit down with a cup of tea one day and play a visual novel for a couple hours without distractions.

Stephen, 14, M, a fruit bat

Lives with his brothers because their parents left to travel the world. Secretly does graffiti and gets into fights with Trevor a lot. Thinks the world revolves around Randall. A troubled teen. Often hangs out at the youth center with his friends where they play billiard. Gets detention often, mostly for disturbing class and for playing pranks on the teachers.

Venus, 14, M, a rat

Best friends with Stephen since kindergarten. A sweet kid, but feels pressured to be rebellious by his peers. Dates a girl from another school, sorry her parents don't let her use the Facebook so you can't look her up. Videogame streamer and secretly does well in math. Sometimes sad Stephen can be a bit mean, but it's probably just because he is a bat and forced to go to school during the day. Likes salmiakki and avoids anything that isn't vegetarian friendly, but has no set rules about his diet and will down a burger sometimes. Wants to go scuba diving.

[peacekeeper-xiv]

The Second Shard

Ikara had spent the night arguing, and then making up with Beta, but the next morning she was determined to contact as many people as she could think of that Lloire might want to fight. First at the top of the list was Helene. She just hoped the linkpearl frequency was still the same. Testing it out a bit she called over the pearl, "Helene, its Ikara... you there?"

There was silence on her hand for a few beats before the line came through crystal clear. In the distance came the heavy rumble of a giant waterfall along with the usual sound of her armor shifting against itself. "Ikara! Long time no see, yeah?"

Ikara breathed a sigh of relief that the linkpearl connected and was beaming on the other end, "Hey! I'm glad you didn't change linkpearls. It’s been too long! How are you?"

Steels slid into the sheath at her side and she let out a long exhale. "Ahh, ya know. Keepin' busy! Wouldn't change lines unless I lost it, yeah? Gotta keep up with people." She could hear Helene dusting off her gloves together. "Oh! Got married. That uh, yeah sorry I didn't invite ya. Was kinda sudden. But hey! You sound like you are doing well, yeah?"

Ikara blinked at the news and squealed happily on the other end of the line, "Oh my goodness!! I am so happy for you! I mean... you should have invited me... but Uh.. I have kind of been out in the burn for moons anyways, so it’s not like you could have reached me. Man... I really want to catch up, but you know how things go. I've got some good news and bad news, and I'm guessing you want the bad first."

Chance had been looking over the ledgers with the quartermaster and growling over some of the expenses when he looked over his shoulder as Helene went from a smile to her more serious expression. Work almost never made her wear that look, so he could safely bet it was something more personal. A heavy sigh left the wolf but he'd let her finish her call before pressing for details. Besides, there was still plenty he needed to work out on the books.

Helene Ashton had pressed her hand against her ear as if it would help make the call as crystal clear as possible. "Figured ya had some reason aside from catching up. Hit me with it. You need help? You okay?" Her footing shifted into a balanced stance out of habit.

Ikara laughed a little, "One of these days I am going to call just to shoot the shit... but really I always feel bad doing that. With the way folks I know are, they are likely to be in the middle of a battlefield." She sighed a little and considered, "Well, on the plus side I have good and bad news. Good news is me, I'm actually excellent, but we'll get to that. I don't even really know how to easily explain the bad. Its magey bullshit that Niisan... I mean Lloire, Lion... well shit... no wonder... too many names, Anyways, Lloire did some dumbass magic crap to himself. He is... okay, ish. It’s like his aether is a big old mirror and he put his fist through it, and now he has a bunch of different personalities and is intent on fighting all his friends to prove to himself they can protect themselves or some bullshit. So, he will likely try to find you and pick a fight with you with one of his... now many facets. I already fought one of them. They are entirely made up of his aether, but it didn't seem to physically hurt his real body when I kicked his aether butt."

Chance frowned. If her words weren't enough to put him on edge, her sudden statuesque nature certainly was. A low growl left his throat, rumbling enough to put the quartermaster on edge.

Helene Ashton had fallen silent and let her statuesque form scream for her. A deep breath was pulled, and she looked down to the ground. “Okay…ish?” Her lips pressed together, tensing her muscles through her neck. “Aye, aye I see. You’re okay though, yeah? He didn’t hurt ya too bad, did he? I’ll sock him one extra If he did. He would want me to.”

Ikara waited on the other end for Helene to say -something-, and when she finally did Ikara breathed a little easier. Helene was so used to weird shit from the Order, she just needed the important stuff to know how to win. "He is okay, I think. Its, like he only has a certain amount of control over it. I mean, looking at his aether is disturbing, and I offered to try to fix it, but I mean, I'm not sure I could have. I'm fine, promise! I won! I mean, I almost didn't, Niisan is a pain in the ass when it comes to his magical talents and now I have to figure out what the hell that last spell he used was, but no, I'm fine. I realized at the end of the fight that his .. facet is made of Aether.. and well, that is my specialty... manipulating aether.. so I just kinda... disrupted the whole facet. I may have had my eyebrows singed off though, but thats okay... they'll grow back."

Chance spun around at her last words looking furious. He wasn't fool enough to react without the full story, but this had begun to sound domestic and if Lloire had put his hands on Velestine, there was going to be blood.

Helene Ashton heard him shift behind her and she cast her bright emerald hues over her shoulder to him. It wasn't going to help the fire, she was 'Shield' more than 'Hells' in that moment. if protective had a facial expression, she was the poster child of it. Helene Ashton then muttered a bunch of incoherent colorful commentary low enough that only a word or two could be made out. Stubborn and Fool, respectively and clearly not meant for her Wolf.

The quartermaster had tried to regain Chance's attention, but with the look Helene wore, there was little chance of that. He simply growled a dismissal and the man gave a hurried salute before beating a hasty exit.

Helene Ashton noted the poor quartermaster and couldn't help her smirk. She continued the conversation, though. "Glad you are okay. Eyebrows or not, I’m bettin' you're still cute so don't worry about it, yeah? Said you didn't hurt him, right? Nothin' you did had any affect?"

The merc was now both angry and confused. He paced slowly back and forth, waiting for an explanation.

Ikara huffed a laugh, "Like I said, they'll grow back." Thinking on how to explain it she finally settled on an answer, "Well, the real Lloire, like his physical body collapsed. This ... second Lloire, appeared. It was entirely made of aether, but a physical thing. Like, if I cast spells at it, it bled, I burned its arm off. But the damage I did to the facet didn't appear on the real Lloire. I'm not a hundred percent sure what killing it would do to his main aether to be honest, but he claims that it should actual mend what’s wrong. Though, again, I don't know. I basically disrupted it and reshaped it into a staff instead so he could always still have access to that part of himself, without taking the risk of breaking it. I don't know how it would go in a physical fight to be honest. I know you -can- win, and you -can- hurt it, but these facets are how he sees those parts of himself, so they are a hard fight."

Helene Ashton cast her features up to the heavens and let out a hard exhale. "Aye, well, I can't shape aether or even cast any of it so I am gonna have to do it the old fashioned way an' hope. Thanks for the heads up, Ikara. You call Vele--no, wait, it's Lion. He wouldn't give ya that info. I'll call his girlfriend and give her a heads up, yeah?"

Chance was even more confused now, but his hackles went down ever so slightly. Her words about doing it the old fashioned way seemed to annoy him more though.

Ikara perked up a bit, "Oh! I did headbutt it in the face and crack his nose, so physical hits work. I um.. he mentioned this new girlfriend of his. I told him he didn't need to fight folks, he needed a therapist, he said he tried that and ended up dating her and that he'd introduce me later, but yea if you can get a hold of her all the better, cause I don't know how."

Helene Ashton then laughed. "Oh, aye, he is dating his therapist alright. Wait 'till ya meet this one, Ikara. He has tried so hard to run from her. Anyroad, once this is done, we should have dinner at Lion's place an' you can meet her and my Husband, yeah? He owes us after this."

Her 'Husband' huffed as the conversation seemed to derail and stopped pacing. Whatever the news was, obviously Helene didn't see it as terribly threatening.

Ikara laughed and had a big grin that could be heard in her tone, "That sounds like a really good plan. We'll make him cook for all of us as contrition for being a dummy and I can meet people. Just, I wanted to warn you cause I don't think he will go with a surprise attack, but I didn't want you to be unprepared. Also, tell your new Husband that I am asking very nicely for him to please not kill my big brother for being a dumbass. I would really appreciate it. I imagine anyone that you marry would be perfectly willing to put him in the ground for hurting you, so yea.. speaking of... so that good news.. something good to leave off on anyways, Beta proposed annnnd after I stared at him like he had grown a second head, I said yes. Sooo eventually I'll get to invite you to -my- wedding. Not anytime soon though. We aren't in a hurry."

Helene Ashton still was holding her balanced stance and tightened frame but given her armor, that wasn't showcased as easily. Her tone was still 'forced' in a way he may pick up on. Helene Ashton then turned some to look at Chance. Now he could see that it was on purpose. "Ayyy!!! 'Bout time!! Congrats girly, I will be there front row and center for your big day. We will talk more on that and get back to easy conversations soon, yeah? I should talk to Wolf before he pounces on me here. He's givin' me the look of death since this is one sided convo, yeah? Thanks for the warning, though. I'll update ya if he shows."

Chance was unsure who she was speaking with and took the tone at face value at first. He rose a brow as she continued though and shook his head at her 'look of death comment' but held his tongue since it was clear the conversation was wrapping up now.

Ikara giggled across the line, "Oh yea, I didn't realize he was there, oops! I should have. Yea we will catch up soon. Kick my brother's ass yea, but don't go killing him or he can't cook us all dinner. Go and I'll talk to you soon."

Helene Ashton gave a curt nod. "Aye, aye. Miss ya, kid. See you soon."

"Miss you too. See you."

With that, she took her hand down from the pearl and twitched her nose enough to shift her wrinkles about on her cheeks. “Oi..”

The merc crossed his arms, his expression not changing one ilm. "So... who needs to die, and who are we congratulating on something?"

Helene Ashton cleared her throat. “Ikara is Lloire’s little sister in the fact he ‘adopted’ her into his care. She’s the one that called. She’s marrying his ‘son’ Beta. So, there’s the good news, yeah?” She then shifted her footing to dig her heel in as if waiting for the heavy blow. “Lloire’s gone and gotten his aether all shattered or something into different manifestations of his personalities and is off fighting his friends to prove a point. Ikara fought him, burned off his arm and headbutt him and it hurt the ‘form’ of him, but not….his real form. It’s confusin’, yeah? Anyway he ended up burning off her eyebrows in the fight but otherwise, she’s fine. Not shockin’ to me as she is the strongest aether user I ever heard of. But, I’m not. I don’t even have any and he is likely headin’ this way at some point and likely lookin’ to take me on.”

Lloire Peace, sort of, stepped into the doorway and lifted his visor. "Not you, actually, Shield sister." The spear was drawn from his back and pointed at Chance. "Him. He's your other half... I would know that he can defend you as easily as you can defend him." Chance took a step to the side, not even having had an opportunity to ask about the insanity Helene had just explained. "Are you crazy?" The wolf asked angrily. "Who the hell are you to think we owe you some test of our might?" Lloire lowered the spear. "I am Warrenson. A son of Peace. Accept my challenge, or do not... I will accept a forfeit."

Helene Ashton had moved on instinct at hearing Lloire. Given the context of the call from Ikara, her immediate response was to pivot and put herself between her brother-in-arms and her husband. “Oi!” Auburn locks were tied back but had grown long enough now that they collected to the opposite shoulder with the fluidity of her motions. “Lion. Let’s just talk this out, yeah? What’s got you doin’ this anyway?”

Lloire Peace shook his head slightly. "Not Lion... He'll be here for you later. Warrenson." He frowned as he looked between them. "I was listening... did the girl not explain it properly?" The spear rose again at a movement from Chance and his brow rose. "I hope you are not without honor mercenary... Your wife has asked a question... Do not engage me before I have answered her." Chance sneered but stopped moving. "The hell, Hels... I say I just kick his ass and we can ask him what the hell his issue is after this part's been beaten and broken..."

Helene Ashton huffed and looked over her shoulder to Chance but not enough to take Lloire out of her peripherals. “Don’t kill Lloire. Not sure what these… aether things do to him if they die but don’t attack him directly.” She then set her sharp gaze on ‘Warrenson.’ “Where is he?”

Warrenson grinned at her words and motioned behind him, outside. "The vessel is quite fine. He's resting. He'd thought to come explain it all to you himself, but when I heard you speaking with the girl... well, no sense explaining what's already been said, is there?" He gave her a simple nod. "You can check on him if that's your desire." His spear arm stiffened. "But I would have an answer to my challenge first." Chance growled and moved to Helene's side, placing his hand on her shoulder. "Idiot's gone and gotten broken as fuck in the head... but I doubt that makes him less dangerous... Your call, wife... He's your brother... Shall I oblige the ass, and kick it?"

Helene Ashton had always been the type not to swing too far off into the emotional spectrum of life. When it came to those she cared for, she would shift into her ‘Shield’ persona that she earned the name for. But in that moment, the way he spoke about Lloire and challenged Chance, questioning his ability? Hells hath no fury. “The ‘vessel’?” Chance coming to her side and setting a hand to her pauldron was enough to let the fire out of her veins. Her glare upon the apparition was heated and steady, her palm resting tightly to the pommel of the steel at her side, but she flicked her gaze away to lock it to her Wolf’s own hues. “Fuck him up, yeah?” And oh, how she grinned.

Warrenson smiled at the answer he'd been given. He turned without another word and stepped outside. Chance put down pressure on the pauldron beneath his fingers and nodded as he moved around her. "I love it when you talk sexy like that." His own spear was shook at his side as he moved to follow the false-Lloire and swapped it between hands as though to loosen up his grip. When he was out in the sunlight there was a clear divide between the two. Chance, the golden wolf. Lloire, the silver Lion. "Any rules to this duel of ours, False Lloire?" The other glared at Chance. "You will address me as Warrenson, or Son of Peace. Do not trifle with me, mercenary..." The merc simply grinned. "Shouldn't let me get under your skin so easily False Lloire..."

Helene Ashton winked as he moved around her, but she wasn’t far behind. Stepping out with them, she noted their positions, armor, weapons, the field on with they would play, everything. Both arms crossed upon her chest as she then took the moment to look for her brother.

Warrenson lay unconscious on the ground behind 'Warrenson' near the water. From where Helene stood, he seemed hale and whole, though completely unmoving aside from the steady rise and fall of his chest. Warrenson took a moment to adjust his gauntlets and shook his head. "Outside of the fact that this battle is between you and I, no. No other conditions or handicaps." Chance rolled his shoulders, letting his neck crack several times before nodding. "Alright... Let's get on with this then. I win how?" Warrenson pulled down the visor on his helm and smirked. "Despite the requests of the ladies... You only win if I am completely defeated. Slay me and win... fail to do so and I win... proving you don't have what it takes..."

Helene Ashton tucked her tongue into the curve of her cheek as she listened to the rule set. But again, that grin showed on her features and made her freckles rise. “Never said he couldn’t put you in your place. I said he can’t touch my brother.” She pointed to Lloire by the water. “Far as I’m concerned, he can hand you your teeth one by one, yeah? But if my brother starts feelin’ the pain, I’m gonna take issue.”

Warrenson scoffed. "The vessel will remain whole. Do not worry." The spear was rose aloft and he spun it once before settling into a stance. "Ready yourself mercenary!" With that, the battle began in earnest. Warrenson struck first. He leapt into the air and came down, getting the jump on Chance with speed that the mercenary had not expected from a mage. It was a glancing blow, but it stung all the same. Especially that Lloire had drawn first blood. "Remind me again Hels, what all is this asshole trained in?"

Helene Ashton shifted her footing as Chance took the hit first, but she kept her features neutral for the moment. “…Everything.” Arms tightened upon her chest as she adjusted them to get comfortable. “He spent a lot of time with every weapon he could get his hands on.”

Warrenson took a step back, letting the weapon in his hand twist around to his side again, 'allowing' Chance a moment to recuperate from the attack. The mercenary frowned at his wife's answer. "Well that's just -great-... Fuckin' Gillionaires... too much damn time on their hands, not enough real work to do." Chance shifted his left shoulder again, adjusting his grip on his own spear. "Well, there's something to be said about specializing." He charged Lloire, forcing the Hyur to lift his lance defensively. The mercenary feinted though, slamming his own spear into the dirt and using it to launch dirt and sand up and into the other's eyes. Warrenson stumbled back wiping at his eyes angrily as Chance rushed forward with the followup attack.

Helene Ashton winced at Chance’s response to the information but smirked as Warrenson was faked out. Memories. “He an’ I have that whole ‘hero’ complex in common, yeah? I know my way ‘round a few weapons so I can be ready. Same for him.” Holding conversation as if Warrenson was nothing more than a trainee being tested, she kept it casual now and glanced around the area, but Wolf would know her best. Her footing gave away everything.

The wolf was many things... but a hero, was never among them. Prideful, conceitful, no. He was practical. His enemy was blinded. His enemy was agitated. Pride was a weakness to exploit. His spear found its mark. Between scales, center mass, he buried it so far into the other Hyur that even Helen could see the other end from her position. Warrenson gasped out as the weapon rammed through him, blood splattering Chance in the face as they were now but a breath apart. The merc remained stoic and calm. "Something wrong? Looks like you might've broken a few... vessels there..."

Helene Ashton unfolded her arms the minute she watched the spear tip explode out the back of Warrenson. Pride may have been his weakness, but the sin shown clear as day all over her form for the man who claimed her. A few steps carried her down the makeshift ramp as she looked from her Wolf, to her Brother laying by the water. Little care was given to their enemy in that moment as she was focused on the rise and fall of Lloire’s chest; looking for blood.

Lloire Peace, even now seemed the perfect picture of health. A unique look for him all things considered. Chance watched the enemy carefully as he pulled in ragged breaths and Helene passed. When she reached Lloire his eyes fell to her. "He alright?" He asked with concern tinting his voice.

"I... told... <coughs blood> you.... he was... fine." Chance's pupils immediately dilated as he turned his attention to the enemy whose free hand now gripped tightly to the others spear. Warrenson leaned back for a fraction of a heartbeat before he slammed his head forward, helm crashing into Chance's unprotected face, blood splattering all around it from the impact. Chance fell back, losing his grip on the spear as he stumbled back from the blow, holding his face. "You thought this..." He motioned to the spear jutting through him now, "...would kill me? You know NOTHING about me!"

Helene Ashton had lowered down into a crouch to check on Lloire’s pulse, his breathing, and set a hand over his chest where the spear had hit its mark. All clear. She let out a slow breath before touching his cheek briefly. That was cut short as she heard the collide behind her and quickly rose to look back on the fight. That glare leveled on Warrenson as Chance stumbled back and she took a few steps closer, keeping her hand off her sword so as not to provoke intent.

Warrenson ripped Chance's spear from his gut, now holding both his own and Chance's crimson stained weapon. He was quickly bleeding out now, but seemed in no hurry to fetch a healer nor to slow down. Instead, Chance's weapon was lifted over his head and directed at the merc. "You should have ended it... now your wife has to watch you die... Even if I fall... slaying you will prove the vessel's fears true... I will lay down my life to ensure that Peace survives!"

Helene Ashton dug her feet to the ground and launched herself forward with speed. Despite the armor, despite the weight of her shield, she moved as if neither had been upon her in that moment. Sunlight glinted off the broad surface as she ducked down, leapt, and planted her feet suddenly, swinging her arm wide with enough force behind it to hopefully send Warrenson careening into the pillar close by.

Warrenson hadn't expected the rules to be ignored. He went flying, staggering towards the pillar and crashing into it. Stunned, he collapsed to the ground, shaking his head. "Foul!" He cried and he and Chance forced themselves to their feet. "That was outside the rules! This was between he and I!"

Helene Ashton slowly pulled steel from its home at her hip, letting the song ring out for his ears. Emerald hues were locked dead to his features as she righted herself and rolled the shoulder of the arm that held tight to that shield. Her tone had dipped into a serious edge, yet she smirked. “Like you said…” The sword swung this way and that as she warmed up her hold. “…you know nothing about me, yeah? Lloire wouldn’t kill the man I loved nor would I allow him, to kill Lloire.” Her steps brought her between Chance and Warrenson once more. “Hero.” She shrugged.

Warrenson staggered to his feet. "Very well hero... when the vessel remains broken... we will be sure that he knows it was your interfe--" Before the last word could leave his lips his head jutted backwards with the impact of something slamming into his face. The body that had been Warrenson slid down the stone column until it then fell over to the side, an expertly thrown knife jutting from one of his eyes.

Helene Ashton widened her gaze as the man fell over with a new addition for his trouble. A step or two brought her closer but she didn’t let it keep her attention. Instead, she looked back to Chance.

The merc was wiping blood from his nose with one hand, the other still pointed in the direct of his throw. "Live through that, asshole..." Chance staggered a moment in place before the arm dropped to his side and he frowned. "Thanks, Hels..." He remarked, gratefully. Before she could respond though, the being that had called itself Warrenson began to break apart into the base blocks of aether it had been formed of. They lingered in the air for several heartbeats before then moving back to Lloire and coalescing around him. There was a soft glow there for several moments but soon it faded and Lloire seemed to become restless in his slumber.

Helene Ashton softened at the fact he was standing upright. “Never need to thank me. Wasn’t sure you’d have enough time to throw it.” She then turned back to watch the figure break apart. “We didn’t shake on the rules anyway. Lloire knows our shake.” Her own defenses were up as she continued to watch her brother until he moved. Helene exhaled. “Good. He’s comin’ to.” The sword and shield were tucked away as she approached Chance to check on him. “How’s the nose?”

Chance reached up, growled beforehand, and pushed it back into place, causing a bit more blood to rush. "I'll live." He commented as he tore at a sleeve and used it to stanch the bleeding. "Fucker's pretty tough to take down, even broken as shit like this... I see why you two get 'long..." He moved to her side as Lloire began to move more. "Should we get him inside?"

Helene Ashton scoffed. “Should’ve seen him with an axe, yeah? Downright frightening.” Once she was sure he was alright, she turned and looked to Lloire once more. “Aye. He is likely feelin’ like a truck hit him by now. Also, remind me never to take you on and mean it.” Once more, pride shown in her features as she smiled to him before moving over to where Lloire lay. “Oi, you ‘wake?”

Lloire Peace seemed as though he were working on regaining consciousness but wasn't there quite yet. Chance followed her and shrugged. "I'd hope our vows prevented that all the same..." He wasn't quite clear on the aether and magic aspects of all that had occurred. Warrenson had felt plenty real to him afterall. "Let's get him inside then. He moved to help her carry the Hyur inside. "Maybe he'll be able to tell us something helpful... I don't recommend we just let him go out and try to kill people."

Helene Ashton lowered down and scooped Lloire up under one arm, helping get him up to move. “I didn’t think he’d go as far as trying to outright kill you, yeah?” Concern etched at the corners of her features as she looked to Lloire and then Chance. “I can’t let him leave if he is heading out to kill his friends, yeah?”

Chance Ashton helped Helene with the weight of the Hyur and nodded. "Though, I'm gonna guess with all his magic and fuck all crazy, talkin' him outta it or keeping him pinned down are gonna be tough. But we gotta try, I guess. Maybe find out who is next at least."

Helene Ashton shook her head. “Aye, who knows what his magic can do now. But maybe he’ll talk. Startin’ to think I need to get everyone in the same room and help protect them.” As they entered the barracks, she pushed the door open with her foot and helped take Lloire inside. She then nodded to one of the beds. “There or the bench?”

Chance Ashton shrugged and motioned towards the closest bunk. "There's fine. Not like he's bleedin'. Benedict won't mind." A heavy sigh rattled from him. "I swear... this Lion better not be gunning to fight right away..."

Helene Ashton helped haul her brother to the bed and get him situated upon it. She then dusted off her hands and took a step back. “He said he would be comin’ for me later. Not sure what that meant but if Lion is ‘Lion’, like the nickname I gave him? It’s not goin’ to be a pretty fight, Chance. He is full blood berserk mode in that moment, yeah?”

Chance Ashton's brow furrowed as she explained. "Well, I see no reason I can't give you a hand with him. Doesn't seem these 'rules' of theirs mean shit." A groan alerted the couple to Lloire regaining consciousness and the Hyur reached up and rubbed his forehead gingerly. "Lion'll wait... He's not ready to fight. Wants the other sides to lose before he bothers to rouse..." He shook his head as his eyes adjusted to the light. "Well fought, both of you..."

Helene Ashton turned as Lloire came to. She waited for a beat to be sure he really was alright before slamming her gauntleted, mhigan fist into his gut to take the wind from him if possible. “That was for trying to kill Ikara. An’ you should be -real- fuckin’ apologetic for tryin’ to kill Chance because I am this close...” she pinched her fingers together for him “…to givin’ you a throttling.”

Lloire Peace took the hit with a loud "Umphh!" as she got her wish and the air was robbed from him. He took several moments to regain his breath and moved to a sitting position. "Yeah, I likely deserve that..." He said sheepishly as his other hand reached up to rub the back of his head idly. "I'm glad you're both okay..." He let out a sharp breath and shook his head. "You and Ikara both... Look, Hels, Chance... Let's say I go against this plan... and I decide I don't trust you all to win... Then what's gonna stop Shade or Lion from deciding to just surprise attack and kill the people I care about when they are in control. Right now there's an uneasy truce in my head. They all get a shot to prove they are the side that’s too dangerous to be part of me... that I can't have companions... If I go against that... They are just gonna take control when they damn well please and do what they want like they have been.”

Helene Ashton set her hands on her hips as she listened to the explanation and she was kind enough to at least do that. “Lion…no, droppin’ nicknames for now, Lloire! How is -killin- your companions any fuckin’ better, yeah? You an’ I both know that if you had killed Ikara, Chance, Me, or even Velestine, you would come out of it worse than before. Stop bein’ an’ idiot and let us help. You aren’t alone.”

Chance Ashton nodded, agreeing with Helene, for lack of a better option. This all sounded utterly insane to him. Lloire frowned. "Don't you understand Shield? This -is- me letting you help. This -is- me trusting you all. Maybe Ikara could fix my aether, but the underlying trauma would still be there. It'd shatter anew..." He frowned deeper. "They killed Claudettea... The Galreans know who Velestine is now... That says nothing about you or Ikara... add that to the fact that another one beside Balmora's taken an interest in me... do you really think they'll afford any of us the chance to put me through years of aethereal and psychological therapy? Do you think Shade would...? I trust you all to take out these shadows of mine... To prove to my subconscious that I really don't have to worry that I'll be the death of everyone -else- I hold dear. That not everyone is Aliya or Claudettea..."

Helene Ashton lofted her brows at the mention of Claudettea and her shoulders sunk a little. “I’m sorry ‘bout Claudettea, Lloire. I liked her.” A sigh. “Always have to mess with ya, don’t they?” She could have spit if she wanted to but sucked air through teeth instead. “Why not just gather all your companions and take out Balmora 2.0, yeah? Wouldn’t that prove we could handle it? The Warrior of Light doesn’t even work alone half the time and he has had his own shit to deal with.” A beat was given as she shifted her footing once more. “Look, I get it, yeah? But now that I know you are out tryin’ to -kill- us, I’m havin’ a hard time not packing up and following you.”

Chance Ashton nodded. "Or knock your ass out and go handle the Imperials ourselves, yea?" Lloire shook his head. "I was unconscious the last time I fought someone Chance... It wouldn't really do much good if I can manifest elsewhere..." He returned his attention to Helene. "I get your side... but if you tried, most of the shards would just refuse to fight and I'll stay... fragmented. Is this an elegant solution, even a wise or practical one... hell no. But it's better than slamming a dagger in my heart or turning myself over to the Garleans like I nearly did... so..." He huffed. "You're gonna have to trust me. And I have to trust all of you. And hopefully nobody gets killed in all this and I can be thoroughly proven wrong."

Helene Ashton turned and looked at Chance as if asking permission to beat the snot out of him in some respects. Though she didn’t move to do such, she stood there staring at her husband, taking his presence as a form of strength. She then looked to Lloire. “Couple things, yeah? You try to kill yourself again, and I will find someone to drag your ass back from the void. If anything, you fighting all of us should fuckin’ prove how loved you are by many even when you are as ‘broken’ as you are. Two, when you put yourself together again, you are marching your scrawny ass back here and planning an attack on that Garlean trash that messed with you, yeah? Three, you are makin’ everyone dinner.”

Chance Ashton nearly laughed as his Wife laid out her conditions and simply crossed his arms as though to show there was no arguing these conditions. Lloire listened and nodded, without a word. "You got it. When this is said and done... We'll put together a damned Company of Heroes and go bring the fucker to justice and then I'll hold a victory feast."

Helene Ashton stared at him for a few moments again and lifted an eyebrow. “You don’t think you’re comin’ out of this, do ya?”

Lloire stared up at her with a soft expression and shook his head. "On the contrary... I believe with all my heart that I will. I just need all of you to believe it too."

Helene Ashton wrinkled her nose as those freckles danced with the motion. “That was the fastest you ever agreed to somethin’ I said. So, you either must believe that you will, or you are staying positive so we will.” Both hands lifted to rub her temples then. “But I know you are too stubborn so I’m goin’ to trust ya on this one this time.”

Chance Ashton placed a hand on her shoulder and turned to Lloire. "My conditions now brother-in-law... Since this was my fight in theory... One... You don't have to stay here... you are too stubborn to do so... but you will rest before you go seeking anyone else out... Two... You tell us now who is next... Three... know that if my Wife comes back with even a single digit less than she has now... I'll carve from you anything she loses..." Lloire looked between the two and shook his head with a laugh. "I'll rest before the next fight, don't worry. I have to so my aether reabsorbs properly... I'm close to where my old friend Tyranie lives now... so she is likely next... Anything I take should be taken from me. I accept that... But I suspect she will do fine." He turned to Helene and smirked. "You really did need a Sword... He's exactly what I expected for you."

Helene Ashton glanced to Chance and smirked at his list. The last one made her look to Lloire with a grin. “Good. Glad ya agree, yeah?” His comment on ‘Sword’ made her roll her eyes. “Us stubborn types need someone that enables as well as puts us in check. He’s perfect at both.” Leaning down to get to eye level with him now, a mischievous hold took over her grin. “Sound familiar? How’s that Lion tamer of yours?”

Chance Ashton had to hold back from barking a laugh at her comments. Lloire however looked impassive at the taunting. "We'll have to see. You all have been through more of my..." Chance interrupted, "Insanity?" Lloire continued, "...life than she's had to so far, but she's seen enough to maybe have second thoughts by now. I'll let you know at the victory feast." The blue-haired Hyur made to stand. "I need to be on my way Shield, Sword. Thank you both... Continue to take care of one another..."

Helene Ashton took a step back to let him stand. “Let -her- make that choice this time, yeah? Since you’re keen on us proving ourselves.” She let it drop then and switched gears by coming in to wrap him up in a hug this time. Normally tensing at such a motion, she was rigid for a moment in the start, then settled, giving him one good squeeze. “I believe in you an’ all of us. I will see ya at dinner.” She then let go and stepped back like nothing happened, clearing her throat.

Lloire had been surprised by the hug but returned it with a smile before nodding at her and then Chance. "Aye. That's the plan." He stepped past them both, offering Chance another brief nod of respect before heading to the door. He paused as his hand wrapped around the handle. "Just make sure... you don't hold back when the time comes to face Lion, okay? You have to be at your best." With that, he was out the door and heading away.

Helene Ashton nodded to the comment. “I am back on training regimen first thing in the morning.” As he left, she gave a short wave and looked to Chance. “I’m going to need the best gear we can afford.” Despite her cockiness at the best of times, there was a small hint of fear in her gaze.

Chance Ashton took both of her shoulders into his hands and nodded. "Alright. We'll get it figured out." He smiled, his reluctant rare smile. "And you and I will spare between exercises. You'll be more than prepared for him."

Helene Ashton looked down between them and exhaled slowly from puffed cheeks. “It’s mostly the blows from the axe I’m worried about. He isn’t goin’ to tire in that state and that is how you get at that weapon. You tire the user.” She then looked back up at him and shifted her footing into a relaxed state. “But we’ve got time. First, let’s get ya to Benny so he can heal that nose, yeah?”

Chance Ashton nodded quietly. "Yea, let's go poke the bear." He smirked. "I think his new look will surprise you..." With that he took her hand into his and started for the door.

[nyxcharliechaos]

Okay, I’m kind of curious about Lucy and Nyx? Could you elaborate on them?

ok so initially i was going to do a doodle with this when you had mentioned in the tags in a reblog but i lost interest in that sketch so i’ll just info drop first off Nyx

-Nyx was originally my persona over time they’ve become their own character though I do still use their design as my sona-little fun fact originally their name was Mix-Nyx is a puppet a rarer species in the comic that be better suited as it’s own post-Nyx is rich but they rarely acknowledge it to avoid having to acknowledge their family which isn’t exactly an easy task as the Chaos family is rather important -Nyx’s family is cursed due to a deal with the devil from centuries ago ,this curse affects everyone differently the way it affects them is via bad luck of course there’s a positive to the curse being that they can’t be killed nor kill themself (it’s unknown if they can actually die) they also have regeneration and quick healing but when you’re getting hurt almost all the time it kinda doesn’t matter at least in their opinion-due to that last bit they’re pretty nonchalant about deadly situation -the only reason they were born was to be a weapon and to take over a company neither of which they accept however due to this they are skilled with many weapons preferring swords ,even taking fencing in their high school-Nyx is prone to fainting from physically stressing themself and never sleeping due to insomnia and constant nightmares -they also zone out a lot -Nyx is actually rather childish and not just due to liking kids cartoons-Nyx often refers to Cubix and Nate as their brothers despite none of them being related-they should honestly see a therapist -they are the perpetually pissed of short person

second Lucy

-Lucy is short for Lucinda-most people see Lucy as that cool girl who’s not bothered by much which is kinda true except for something you’ll read soon- her family (and Nyx) gave her the nickname Lulu and anyone other then them caller her that makes her feel uncomfortable -Lucy is often seen as attractive and has for years , she can remember situations when she yes 13 FUCKING YEARS OLD where people including grown ass adults would catcall her  (which is horrible but does happen unfortunately)-that problem got worse as she got older and guys would get more grabby to the point she doesn’t trust men (which is horrible and gross and not made better by the fact she’s 17 a minor) unless he was friends with one of her friends first, the first person to break this rule of sort in the two years it’s been a thing is Liam but that’s mostly due to the fact he was A. very clearly gay and he’s very open about that and B. he’s nice and they share interest-Lucy is a lesbian (despite dating a non-binary person but her crush started before they were out and the feeling never left)-as she’s one of my most musical characters wanting to be a broadway actress-she’s dyslexic (which I believe I brought up in a previous post)-she has 12 siblings, she and her twin brother ar the 4th and 5th oldest (lucy’s the younger twin)-most people will underestimate her at first however being from a family of lumberjacks living near the woods of Arcania she know how to defend herself and how to throw an axe from really far away-honestly challenging her to an axe throwing or archery contest is a horrible idea-Lucy’s a bit of a target to get to others but she usually gets herself out by the time the others come to pick her up-Lucy is a pure werewolf meaning that the only time her instincts go crazy is on the full moon however she has a special necklace to help with that the only remaining problem is not being in control of her form-speaking of her werewolf form she prefers her human one which is why she’s usually seen looking like a humanBoth since there are a few fact about them that apply to both

-the two are dating (not at the start of the comic but it happens early enough it’s not really a spoiler)-the two are in a band along with Cubix, Nate ,Xzim, and Gene with Frankie, Courage, and virgil occasionally joining-both sing and play guitar so depending on the song who’s doing what can change though Nyx will usually end up playing keyboard -both have moments where they can’t stand physical contact except from each other though on the rare occasion even that’s not true-both a big fans of musical theater and are in in the theater class

that’s all i can think of right now there’s definitely more i could say without going into spoiler territory especially positive stuff but this is getting long and i’m out of ideas at the moment ,i’d also like to note that some of the triggering content is not to be rude to people with those problems and i’m sorry if any of this causes problems please tell me to add any tags you think i should add.

[dangandidlyronpaimgines]

DR1 Girls adopts a child that was abused

Aoi Asahina

She would take super good care of the child

Giving them so much love, affection and gifts

(Though she tends to overwhelm the child at first which makes them cry and then makes her panic)

She loves her child so much and will do anything for them

She gets them a pet cat or dog to help them with their anxiety

(Hell she will even put help train the pet and put them through training so they can be a service animal)

She is a constant source of support for her child, whatever they want to do or are interested in she is there 100% of the way

She is also there to comfort her child after they cry or have a nervous breakdown

I can see the two having fun baking sweets with each other on the weekend

(She is definitely getting her child addicted to doughnuts too)

Celestia Ludenberg

Immediately gets a restraining order on her child's birth family

No way is that scum getting anywhere near her or her child

She introduces her child to all sort of games like mahjong and othello and helps them learn all sorts of strategies

She isn't much for physical affection but she will not hesitant to comfort her child when they need it

She helps bring her child's self-confidence back

Makes sure her child gets the best of everything in life

They want fashion design clothes done, gourmet food a okay

Grand Bois Cheri Ludenberg loves the child and spends a lot of time in their room

Celestia was a bit worried the two wouldn't have got along well at first but to her surprise everything was fine.

(Once Bois dies the two hold an elaborate funeral for him and tears are all around)

(Though Bois lives on through the lives of his many kittens)

Junko Enoshima

Because of her fame and connections her new child's birth family is r u in e d

Everyone knows the terrible things they did and they are rightfully in jail~

Spoils her child completely~

Takes her child on exotic trips and extreme sports events

(“Come on squirt we're going skydiving~”)

All of this helps break the child out of their shell

Especially because she has the child star with her on a couple of her photo shoots

(Though if any of those scum dare to approach her child or anyone tries to hurt them she will gladly murder the fuck out of them)

She helps her child learn how to smile and laugh again

Whenever her child has a nightmare or anything like that she is there in an instant cuddling them until they calm down and then they go out to do something

(“You know what will cheer you up champ.. shooting some fuckers in the face with paint! Let's go go go!”)

Kyoko Kirigiri

Chances are she came across the child because of one of her cases

And after exposing the horrible crimes that the child's birth family has done she is determined to help her (yes her's she decides to adopt the child after the case since well.. she has gotten rather attached to them)

She looks for the best therapist around and goes with her child to every session

She researches all she can about how to take care of abuse children

She is always so patient with them

Always there to help them with their panic attacks and anxiety

In a way she is their rock, their support system

If they have trouble in school she is always there to assist

However sometimes she has to leave on long trips for a case, however she makes sure her child is in safe hands

(And makes sure the child knows to trust the babysitter coughNaegicough and that they would never hurt them)

Mukuro Ikusaba

Very protective over her child

Probably teaches them how to use multiple weapons for self defense

So that they never feel powerless again..

She has a bit of trouble with emotions herself but she tries her best to be considerate towards her child

In a way they both help each other

Since she never really had a childhood she doesn't know what typical child likes

So she kinda splurges on them, getting them a little bit of everything

Stuff animals, books, dolls, actions figures whatever she thinks her child would like she would get them

(Though someone has to tell her that weapons are not for a child)

She doesn't mind if her child stays timid even after all the time they spend together, that's just how they are

Probably helps her child get into some sort of physical activity since it is good for you

Definitely takes her child camping and teaches them some survival skills

Sakura Ogami

At first she was unsure about the whole situation since she is rather.. intimidating  

But to her surprise the child latches onto her rather quickly

(The first time she is called Mom she tears up)

She is there to listen to her child whenever they want but at the same time if they do not wish to speak she will not push it

Gives her child a light training regiment and helps them go through it everyday

(She knows from personal experience that sometimes a good workout can help calm the mind)

And if they wish to learn more she will teach them more, if they do not then she will just stick to the basics

She does not care if her child does not get into fighting, they are their own person after all and she respects that

Who is she to try and force her child to chose a path, they should chose their own

Thankfully the birth parents don't dare to show their face or even contact her child

(Though this is mostly because they are terrified of what Sakura would do to them)

Sayaka Maizono

She loves her child from the bottom of her heart and will do anything to protect them

So.. she can't help but spoil them

(It broke her heart to learn that they have never gotten a gift before they meet her..)

She encourages her child to branch out onto different things and to find what they are really passionate about

Shopping trips are a must with her and she encourages her child to get whatever they want

Though she tries her best to make sure that they don't get too spoiled

For the first few years she makes sure to sing her child a lullaby to sleep

But as the child grows up they inform her that they are too old for lullabies which makes her laugh and tease them

(Definitely has a scrapbook full of happy memories with her child)

Encourages her child to follow their dreams no matter how big or small they are

Toko Fukawa/Genocider

She knows personally how to deal with anxiety and nervousness

So one of the first thing she does is help them find an outlet for all of those feelings

(She doesn't want them to end up like her..)

Physical affection is a journey for them both since both of them are unused to it

But slowly and surely they work through it

Definitely gets her child into both reading and writing

(Hey writing out your anger and frustrations helps a l o t)

When she tells her child the truth about Genocider.. she is so nervous

She thinks that her child will be afraid of her or even call the cops on her but to her surprise her child expects it and actually wants to meet Genocider

Unlike Toko, Genocider smothers her child in a ton of affection

She just loves to hug and spin them around and just pinch their little cheeks~

Is willing to murder anyone to make her child smile, a n y o n e

Gives her child ton of bad romance advice

Whenever she comes out she loves to take her child on spontaneous adventures

(That may or may not involve breaking the law)

If Genocider ever finds out where their birth parents are... well there is a good chance that they will end up dead

(That is unless the child asks them not to murder them...)

She has no idea what to do whenever her child cries... she's the wrong personality for this!

But she will still try her best to make them laugh/cheer them up

~Mod Souda

[caemec]

Hi! I really loved your friends with mcl boys headcanons

Hi honey ! Thank you for your request ! Sorry for the time it took me, I was so busy those days, and that headcanon requires a real work (I’m too lazy to make it with one stroke). But finally, here we are. 

As for the MCL version, I will cut the headcanon in two parts, because it will be way too long if I don’t do it. Due to that, I will give you six boys in total, be free to ask for another one, if he is missing. 

So, here is the publication’s order of the “To what would a best friend relation with boys look like?” headcanon, in Eldarya version :

Part 1 : Nevra - Ashkore - Leiftan

Part 2 (here) : Chrome - Valkyon - Ezarel

I hope you will enjoy it !

Nevra

In general ? 

Chilling with Nevra is never boring, due to a simple reason. Do you remember his drama queen title ? Well, good news, he still has it. It is not always easy to deal with it, it’s always black or white, and his mood can switch in a couple of seconds. However, as a good friend, you love to see him smiling and self-confident, and so, you know how to remember him how great, kind, talented and handsome he is. With Karenn, you are his official ego booster. 

He always has a hand on you. Your waist, your shoulders, your hand, your hair, etc. He is so much in the physical contact, but still without any seductive intention. It is his way to express his affection to you. But don’t misunderstand me; he can be as childish as Ezarel (is it possible ?), when he wants. Cute pranks and funny jokes during a reunion ? It’s totally his style. 

You are in couple ?

The day you will announce him you have a crush on someone, be ready for a very long drama pose, crocodile tears and a “you don’t love me any more” speech. Right before a smirk, an eyebrow raised and the unavoidable “sooo, what are the details?” You were already traumatized with Karenn’s deny of your privacy ? It’s that you didn’t meet her brother yet. He is so much worse. Because more than just asking for what happened, where, with whom, how, for how long, which place, position, … he will also “gently” tease you in front of your partner. No less. 

You know, with that complicit wink to him/her, that means “I wasn’t there, but I know everything, and by everything, I mean everything”. And if you are dating one of his best friends, like Valkyon or Ezarel, he will certainly let go the ashamed “Good job dude”. In front of a whole group, to make things even funnier. 

He is in couple ? 

Of course he is in couple. Okay, not all the time, but he never stays alone for a long moment. Nevra has his periods. Sometimes, he wants something exclusive with one partner, and the month after, he searches for no-strings attached relations. He manages it like a big boy, doesn’t really need to talk to you for common stuffs. You will mostly listen to funny anecdotes, more than really giving love advices. 

Actually, his biggest problem to handle his relations (after his tendency to go see in other pants), is you. People can easily be jealous of your friendship, doubting of your true intentions, and at the end, you always finish as the “threat” to eliminate. Not really friendly, we agree. He is aware of the reputation you sadly have, and will try his best to avoid you problems. It’s not always successful (thanks to his way to remind them you are the number one). 

From” best friends” to “more than friends” ?

Believe it or not, but Nevra will never cross the limits with such a close and important friend. You’re not a person like the others. You have a particular place in his heart, someone with a very high value. He cherishes you, and yes, he tends to demonstrate it. One day or another, you could eventually fall for him, and after treating yourself of idiot, you will have to deal with his touchy side, his over-affection and his dangerous fan club. 

If he is absolutely sure he has deeper feelings for you too, let’s the love story begins. And honestly, already knowing each other so well before the couple period will help you a lot to understand and manage some delicate times. However, if he doesn’t love you back, he will totally freak out. How could it happen ? When ? Why ? He already sees himself alone under the rain, far away from you because you kicked him out of your life, without any friend any more (drama queen, remember). He will do everything he can to not lose you, he’s just too afraid. 

Ashkore

In general ?

Oh man, that’s another level of friendship here. A rare one. You will not find deeper than you two. Honestly, being best friends with that guy has to mean you also have a relative dark side. Someone too innocent or honest would never be so close from him. Even if they wanted it, Ashkore wouldn’t look at anyone easily (unless it is to manipulate). You have to win his respect and interest. Once you have done that, he will see you as his equal. That step done, you will be able to count on him, and you shouldn’t be afraid to be stabbed in the back anymore… Normally. 

Your complicity is quite clear to everyone else. Playful looks in the hallway, high-fives after common mischiefs or jokes, a few bitchy talks about someone you both don’t like at all, or else unwavering support when the other has some problems with the Guard. You could practically maintain a symbiotic relationship, you’re officially a duo that people tend to respect. 

You are in couple ?

Actually, no, it’s already over. The guy/girl has been killed while you were reading this sentence. My condolences. Honestly, it is a risk to take. Ashkore is the most dangerous “other guy” from all the boys, MCL and Eldarya include. When he says “make her suffer and I will make you regret”, he is definitely serious. No one mess with his best friend. No one. And he makes sure that everyone knows that. The reason of his true dangerousness is probably that you are one of the rare persons he actually really loves, in a good way. Even if he says the contrary, he needs you, smiling and shinning if possible. 

If you secretly became close enough to call each other best friends while he still plays to hide and seek in the HQ with a pan in the hand, you already know where to find him during the night (your partner’s bedroom, probably under the bed, planning which terrific words he will tell him/her to give him/her nightmares). 

The funniest thing would be you dating Nevra or Miiko. They hate him, and he is giving it right back. He will act like a child for a while, always on your side during argues, will have that insupportable smirk when he sees them, even for no reason. He was already their nightmare before, but thanks to you, now he will literally bring hell to them. 

He is in couple ?

Ashkore in couple ? It would be something to see. A true couple, I mean. Not what comes from his certain talent to seduce people, play a little with them, for a mission, his “professional interest” (you know, messing with the entire world) or even his own pleasure. You see that kind of scenario way too much, that you don’t even really care about that now. And let’s be honest, between you two, he is the most capable to handle the consequences of a relationship by himself. 

The day he will present you a girl, you will literally choke in your glass. Like, a girl ? A true one ? And she came of her own free will ? First, you will be suspicious, you doubt about her psychological condition, and you will be afraid he just found worse than him. Eventually, your behaviour will tire him, and you both will confront each other. It’s that you never thought Ash would want to be in couple. You always imagined him… above such things ? 

From” best friends” to “more than friends” ?

Honestly, people secretly think since the beginning something happened between you. And come on, you must admit that your relation is not totally innocent. That guy is literally born with something catchy, seductive, intriguing. There is no happy medium. You hate him or you love him. Even you are not insensible to his aura, you are as much concerned as the others. If for a long time you called that friendship, you both knew it was deeper than just that, and always a little ambiguous. It was a question of time before one of you make the first step. 

It probably began with a quarrel, a stolen kiss, an instant of confusion, a deep look, before you literally jumped on each other and finished in a dark corner. It was rough, passionate, animal, and it lets both of you completely in desire for the other one. With Ashkore, it will maybe stay at that stage for a moment. You are totally friends with (a lot of) benefits, until the day where one of you will finally take the courage to face those strange feelings. Still, don’t expect a cute and romantic relation, he’s all about passion and desire. And if you’re too, well, it will be quite electric…

Leiftan

In general ?

You know everything about him. And by everything, I include his mysterious side. It took you a while to discover what he was hiding, but once you did, your relation became stronger. He is quite relieved someone knows the truth about him, because he finally can talk to you without reservation and be himself. You offers him an instant of peace, it’s refreshing. Of course, you will talk a lot about you too. Leiftan has that thing, that makes you speak freely. 

Your particular friendship is probably not as obvious for the outside as the one with Nevra, Ezarel or Ashkore. Leiftan is quite shy in public, and will not show a lot of affection easily. Kind gestures are for when there is only the two of you. You are not stuck together, despite your relation, you are both quite independent, and prefer to be alone to talk. 

You are in couple ?

Well, it also means Leiftan suddenly became your private therapist. That boy must be superhuman (figure of speech), because he can listen to your complaints for hours without being bored or drained at the end. Even more, he boosts you, and gives you the courage to do what you are afraid of. He’s an angel, in those circumstances. 

But don’t worship him too much, because he also can act like a freaking mom. Where were you last night ? With whom ? Was the person nice ? You’re not hurt ? Don’t you feel too uncomfortable in your couple ? He can be so tiresome when he wants. He wants the best for you, obviously, and you thank him for that, but he seriously needs to take a nap from time to time. It’s lost by advance if you date someone too flirty or “not to his taste” (Nevra, Ezarel or Ashkore, to name them). 

He is in couple ?

Leiftan in couple is the cutest thing you ever saw in your entire life. You seriously want to pinch his cheeks every time he speaks about his loved one, or is with him/her. You even already see them under the arch. You’re so happy to see him with that stupid lover face and those fireworks in the eyes. He deserves it, if people ask you. And everything is perfect for everyone. 

Until the day Leiftan will start to feel guilty, because of that thing no one knows. He thinks he betrays his partner’s trust, he doesn’t deserve love or affection, and you will have to be there as much as you can, to stop him from breaking up and making everyone suffer. Good luck to manage a Leiftan in that state, he’s a mess. Finally, he needs you as much as you do; you both comfort each other and remember that you are great people. 

From” best friends” to “more than friends” ?

Leiftan is always so kind, sweet and attentive, that you will not remark that his way to see you changed. It’s obvious to other people, but you will always send them back with a “nah, no way, we’re just besties”. That’s called deny, you just jumped in it with both feet. However, if you finish by also feel something for him in return, your relation could turn over a new leaf. 

In contrast with the other boys, even being fully aware of your mutual feelings could not lead you to the couple status. You could be afraid to do something wrong, to hurt him, to make the first step, to try new things, to be seen as the new pair in the Guard, etc. Him ? If he clearly understand in which position you are, he will be absolutely against rushing. If he has to take months or years to having you and to suppress your fears, he will. It’s all an affair of patience. 

🎀 Masterlist 🎀 MCL— Part 1 🎀 MCL — Part 2🎀 MCL— Part 3🎀

[deputymcnuggets]

Asks; all ✨ or at least the ones you want to do 💖

WELL AITE HERE WE GO

0: Height180cm

1: Age22

2: Shoe sizeUS male 12

3: Do you smoke?I dooooo

4: Do you drink?Yesssiirr

5: Do you take drugs?I used to experiment a decent amount, these days I only smoke a lil bud and am still interested in psychedelics/a few others but it has been a long time since I done any of em

6: Age you get mistaken forWithout the beard - 19With the beard - A lil older than I am

7: Have tattoos?Nope

8: Want any tattoos?Yep! Having a v hard time deciding what though and committing

9: Got any piercings?Nope

10: Want any piercings?Possiblyyyyy, more interested in tattoos though

11: Best friend?A guy named Lawrence that does not have tumblr

12: Relationship statusSingle

13: Biggest turn onsAnything control related. anger, violence, dom stuff. Alternatively romance and smooshy lovey stuff turns me on too, feeling cared about and safe. All bout them extremes boi it’s one end of the scale or the other.

14: Biggest turn offsAnything that comes outta your body lmao, except spit….and a little blood

15: Favorite movieUP!

16: I’ll love you if…You actually care about me and make me feel safe and comfortable being myself

17: Someone you missCouple of my ex’s. Not in a relationshippy way but just in a “you were a massive massive part of my life and now we have literally 0 contact and I don’t even know how you’re doing” way.

18: Most traumatic experienceEhhhhh either my Dad’s massive breakdown from being bullied at work which triggered bipolar that was like sitting dormant in his brain or whatever, having a knife pulled on me or being sexually assaulted

19: A fact about your personalityI do not know what my real personality is and what is me trying to cope with fear/trauma. I thought I was a massive introvert all my life but now that I’m getting over a lot of my issues, myself and my therapist both think I’m actually pretty extroverted, I just hold back because of anxiety or whatever.

20: What I hate most about myselfProbably the mental illnesses hey, mainly the PTSD, but things have been the best this year that they have been in like 6-8 years, so here’s hoping this answer will change sometime in the future :)

21: What I love most about myselfI like how genuine I am

22: What I want to be when I get olderRich (I really have no idea, probably something related to psychology)

23: My relationship with my sibling(s)Well my sister is autistic and my lil brother is constantly getting in trouble with the law and giving our family shit related to drugs, weapons, graffiti etc. and is very depressed and disrespectful.Sooooo not great but we manage, my sister has been getting a lot better over the past few years actually, so we talk a little now.

24: My relationship with my parent(s)Mum - great, I love her, wouldn’t be here without her.Dad - bipolar, he disappears for years at a time, sometimes see him semi-regularly. The relationship itself is okay, as good as it could be I guess.

25: My idea of a perfect dateCute and quiet. Anything that gives us something to do while we can talk and get to know each other. The beach, museums, cute cafes, walking through parks, camping, sitting around a fire, getting drunk.

26: My biggest pet peevesI hate it when people are not aware how their actions affect others and are not willing to listen and always have to be right. Probably stems from my sister not understanding other people or their emotions and constantly annoying people and making them angry because of it.

27: A description of the girl/boy I likeThere’s a nice girl who’s interested in a lot of similar stuff to me like psychology, she’s lovely and relatively quiet and chill like I am. She just finished uni and started a full time job last week so go her! She’s real pretty too and has a v cute smile

28: A description of the person I dislike the mostPlays a lot of that car soccer game I play. Has long ass hair, gets mistaken for a girl often. Has gender and sexuality issues. Drinks too much. Tries to harm himself often. Has mental issues such as BPD.Did a v bad thing to me. For some reason I am still very protective over him when people speak badly about him.

29: A reason I’ve lied to a friendBecause I couldn’t be fucked leaving my depression hole to come hang out

30: What I hate the most about work/schoolGetting up before 2pm

31: What my last text message saysHeyo I’m busy today sorry but if you have any more free days coming up we should do something, its been a while!

32: What words upset me the mostSingular words do not really upset me unless you’re attacking my insecurities.

33: What words make me feel the best about myselfAnything positive about my personality or physical appearance. Cute, lovely, genuine, understanding, idk.

34: What I find attractive in womenOpenness, being genuine, collar bones/shoulders/necks, specific dress styles, overly affectionate. I also really really unintentionally attract and am attracted to/get along with people with a lot of insecurities and possible trauma. I have been told this is because I’m patient and understanding. Also having been through a lot of shit myself, nothing makes my heart warmer than being able to make someone feel comfortable and putting a smile on their face when they’re usually very reserved and worried and scared. I guess doing for people what I really desperately needed during some of the worst parts of my life is nice.

35: What I find attractive in menAbout the same, also tanned hairy masculine looking motherfuckers with nice forearms :)))))

36: Where I would like to liveThis is a great question. I think there’s a lot of places I’d rather live than Australia, but I won’t be going anywhere for my families sake.America, Nepal, anywhere in Scandinavia, Germany.

37: One of my insecuritiesMy body

38: My childhood career choiceAccountant lmao cos me mums was one

39: My favorite ice cream flavorMANGO!

40: Who I wish I could beCole Sprouse cos he the cutest motherfucker ever

41: Where I want to be right nowIf I could teleport anywhere right now I’d go back to the monastery I went to in Nepal that’s up on a giant hill/mountain and I’d take a fat fuckin blunt with me and smoke it while looking over Kathmandu.

42: The last thing I ateA mango :^)

43: Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediatelyAlexis Ren pre all the surgeries and shit that she had.

44: A random fact about anything

do it! I’m boredSalmon rely on the gravitational pull of the moon to know where they’re going and they can swim from country to country and still know where they are.THAT WAS A LOT OF WRITINGTHANK U KITTEN!

[aquarianlights]

OKAY FINALLY....HERE IS WHAT HAS BEEN GOING ON. I’M SORRY THIS IS SO LONG AND SO LATE. FUCK.

((C/Ped this from a FB post, so there may be a few...not understandable things here, but for the most part, you'll get what I'm saying. Tried to edit it to fit a generalized linguistic standard, so to speak. Idk. I tried. Here you go.))

OKAY Now that I'm finally not entirely exhausted and am not ready to jump off a bridge (yet), I am gonna fucking type this up coz everyone is asking me what's going on and I can't keep up with y'all. Damn. Okay, so. . .

The past two weeks have been fucking...awful. Literally the worst two weeks of my life I had ever had. It began with me doing something VERY illegal and my mom figuring it out when I didn't think it would happen the way it did. In fact, for someone who has a catastrophic thinking problem, I'm surprised this scenario did not enter my mind at any moment.

It was the moment I said "Wow. I really am a drug addict." I mean, I've known I was an addict for literally years but after what I did, I just couldn't even...I mean, this is something I could have gone to prison for life or double life for. So it kinda just...woke me up and I was like "fuck" but I kept going anyways and then I ran out of pills and everything else and didn't know what to do. . . which is precisely the moment my mom had found out what I had done.

Bad timing.

So she blocks me in the basement with her car so that I can't use my car. And it's been YEARS of me saying to my father "Can I PLEASE buy my car from you so I have legal ownership?" Every day. . .same response. . . "Yeah, of course! Just let me get around to it." Like...this goes on for like...since maybe 2013? 4ish years later...my mom starts holding it over my head. "The car isn't even legally yours so if you take it anywhere, I will just call the police and tell them you stole it." Well I couldn't anyways because she blocked me in with her car. The only way I could have driven it was directly off the mountain cliff and over the edge, which I was considering, but felt too scared that I might hurt an animal in the process since it's all forest and trees and such where I am and our neighbours down the road have free-roam dogs. So despite the fact I would have LOVED to have just gunned the accelerator off the edge of that cliff, I didn't.

Then they barricade me in my room and won't let me out. This isn't unusual. Normally they turn off the power to the basement and leave me down there. But this time they actually barricaded me in the ROOM and not just the basement. I had no water and no access to water. Or anything else. And then my mom would come pounding on my door and screaming and at one point she had my dad hold me down while she took every single one of my medications, including the most important one, my mood stabilizer, and ripped them out of my hands. So after that, I was just screaming at the top of my lungs and pulling my hair out and banging my head against the wall remembering "Only the head has pain receptors. The brain doesn't." Thinking maybe if I could just bash my skull in to the point of brains, then I wouldn't feel anything and could physically rip my brain out by pieces since I wouldn't be able to feel anything. But then my parents came downstairs obviously coz of the noise of me banging my head against the wall as hard as I could and I ran and pushed the couch in my room against the door and pushed the table against that and pushed the bed against that. Which ...minus a small triangular bureau thing by my bed, that's all the furniture in my room.

So...I couldn't get out or in for days. This was during a period of which my dad had just gotten out of the geriatric ward and my mom was dealing with his new weird habits and medication reactions. So obvs, I mean, I'M the one who barricaded myself in. Why should they deal with me? I get that.

I just...pulled the barricade out from my side and pushed on the other side for what felt like hours until it gave out. I grabbed my bag, put my laptop and notepad for school in it, chargers, phone, and left.

Now. . .if you've ever been up my mountain, you'll know it's a 10 minute DRIVE up there. Nah, fam, I walked all that. And then walked more...and more...and more...and there was no signal...anywhere...Idk how long I walked. But I was wearing odd clothing because nothing was clean obviously. I was wearing a sweater with nothing underneath and shorts and plaid shoes and I had lost my glasses so I didn't even have those. And I ended up somewhere on this road...Idk how far I went but I kept checking for service to text any friend to see if they would let me couch hop for one or two nights. But no. No signal. So I started walking back.

It was too hot. I laid down on the very edge of the pavement of this tiny, windy, backroad and I remember looking up at the trees and seeing the sun shine through the leaves and just...being in awe of the beauty. I went to take a picture of it with my phone but then I blacked out.

Somewhere during this time, a car almost hit me and left skid marks on the road which the police pointed out later. Idk if I was awake for that or not. But then I woke up to this really sweet mom and she had her van stopped beside me and she was holding me and shaking me and her little ...gradeschooler(??) age kid was like screaming at her like "IS HE ALIVE!?" or something. I'm not entirely sure what. Somewhere during that time, local 911 dispatch was called from my phone. Maybe I did it. Maybe she did. Idk. But local 911 dispatch works even when you don't have service, so. . .thank god for that? I guess. Maybe not. It probably would have been better if I had just been hit by a car and died, honestly.

Legit 3 ambulances and 1 cop car showed up. I was withdrawing really, really badly and I hadn't had any water in literal days and I obviously hadn't eaten in even longer than that. I was super dehydrated and malnourished and overexhausted, yet my stats were okay. Like, everything like my BP and temp and pulse checked out. My BP is chronically low and lowered even more by the BP med I take for migraines so it's obvious that it was a "little high, but normal". And my temp was not too high. And my pulse wasn't thready, which I had already checked myself to make sure I could just go to sleep on the road and wake up later after resting. The EMT's said I could go with them or not. And the cop said "You're 25. If you wanna walk away from me right now and keep walking down that road and go to sleep on the side of the road, I can't stop you. But by the skid marks on the road here (like I mentioned), I'm pretty sure you're going to get hit by a car. So..." I mean, well, if that's not my damn white privilege at its finest... But, anyways, I said "Yeah, y'know what, I'm just gonna keep walking." Then the cop pulls me aside and is like "No. I really don't think you should." And one of the EMTs knew my mom from when she worked at the same hospital he worked at and had been up to our house plenty of times. So he drove up to her house and brought her back because, yknow...no service. And I told the police and EMTs to just...lemme go from there. I didn't want police involved. Coz, as the officer said, "You're 25. You make your own decisions at this point in life." So I did.

I adamantly told my mother I wasn't going back with her and she was about to scream at me but then I threw up blood. Just...pure blood. And idk how I got to Asheville Memorial Trauma Center, but I did. They had a helipad. It was like being in a Grey's Anatomy episode coz they're a level 1 trauma center. Omg. So cool. They had all this fancy equipment like that green vein scan thingy where you run it over the AC or the hand and it just shows you where the veins are so you don't have to feel for them. It was fascinating.

I got stuck maybe 8 times, though. For blood draws and such. Coz my veins are small and they roll and I'm a very hard stick.

I don't remember much from the time I was there but we didn't leave until like...idk, idr, maybe 4am? We got home around 6am. Dad had locked us out of the house. The key was in view on the inside from the window and I was delirious and laughing while my mom was fuming angry and screaming for my dad to wake up and pounding on the door.

Something happened between this that I don't remember. Lots of black-out periods, obvs.

I slept. I withdrew. Hard. Lots of pain. This is day 5 of totally nothing and there's STILL lots of pain. Then the same thing happened. My mom barricaded my car in and took my meds from me and locked me in the basement. So I said...fuck it....and lied and said I had friends to stay with, even though I hadn't even contacted anyone at this point yet. Coz I figured that would make her let me leave if she knew a friend was involved. And she still wouldn't let me out unless I gave a full name, address, and telephone number. She kept saying this was all for "my safety". I couldn't handle it. I can't handle being in that house anyways. Anyone with depression will know that environment affects your moods VERY highly. So I was not only withdrawing from opiates, benzos, ambien, a BP med for migraines, but also cold turkey from my mood stabilizer. Like, I'm surprised I didn't die. I wish I would have. I have never been in so much pure physical and mental agony in my life.

I don't remember much of the next few days. And I don't remember how we came to an agreement, but my mom gave me my meds back and let me out and let me take my car. I was crying and screaming so hard because she told me if I didn't come home and stay home, she was going to take my dog to a kill shelter. And there was nothing I could do.

I went down somewhere in town on a backroad where no one would find me in the pure dark and called my old therapist. He recommended several good 7-day detox programs for me that also handle psych issues. Because rehabs won't take me due to my psych issues because they don't have the capability to handle psych medications.

I had somehow convinced my mom to let me sleep in my car that night. She had been screaming about how "Human beings DO NOT live in cars, Killian!" And such nonsense that typical cis white baby boomers babble about. I don't remember much of that night. But I ended up in a hotel somehow. Where I have been for the past few days. I went to volunteer, got that job, was about to go scrub shopping with my mom when the withdrawals just got too intense and I thought "My doctor is a former addict. Like. Everyone knows this. He SHOULD help me. Right?" Wrong.

We went to my doctor and he was literally screaming at me and pointing his pen in my face saying he wasn't going to be manipulated by a bipolar drug addict anymore. And I have NEVER been diagnosed bipolar. Ever. That has never come up even once except with him. I am most definitely NOT bipolar. And when I said that, he's like screaming at me that I'm definitely bipolar and that he's cutting me off of everything except my mood stabilizer and that I need to get in with a psychiatrist if I want my benzos back, which are what I need, and a neurologist if I want my BP meds back, and where the hell I'm going to find Ambien to sleep? Fuck.

AND THEN He starts yelling about how he's never had a case of costochondritis in his 30-something years of being a doctor and that I am lying about it. But my mom was in the room and she's like quietly shaking her head. Because I have been diagnosed three times now with costo. It's supposed to be short term. But mine is long term and that's where it gets confusing because costo has never really lasted this long in many people in the entire world so far. And he just screams at me that it's all psychological and that I have too many problems and that I'm never going to make it through school, so why am I even trying, and then says that I am probably going to be living in a state mental institution by the age of 30 or less.

I just walked out at this point. Thank god I had my car. I drove off. Drove. For a while. Got lost. Stopped at a rest stop and texted my platonic soul mate. I was ready to drive to New Orleans right then without anything at all. But I calmed down a bit after popping one of the few ativan or valium (Idr) I have left and came up with a better plan because even my therapist said "You're being dismissive of my help. I don't think you want my help. This is not going to end well." But no. I don't even care anymore. I'm going to get through this.

Got set up in a very cheap hotel near my volunteer shelter for 3 days to sort things out and come up with a plan. So I have been wracking my brain and doing SO much research and talking to so many friends about potential living arrangements. But nothing came up. I need to be in a city or heavily populated suburb because I cannot HANDLE being isolated and I cannot handle living by myself either.

So best friend and I eventually came up with a plan. Thank god her roommates are such wonderful people. I love them both so much.

The Tech school I can AFFORD to get into is in Asheville. And I want more hands on experience than the online world is giving me. I want to be able to dissect things and do actual venipuncture restraint positions on dogs bigger than me and I want to do all these things PHYSICALLY. I want HANDS-ON experience and I just...can't get a shadowing position in such a small town.

Problem being, if I leave NC for over a month, I lose my disability, SSI, EBT, and Medicaid. I could do without disability, SSI, and EBT...but I cannot afford my medications without Medicaid. So I'm not sure what I'm going to do while going to school because I only get about 650ish a month from my disability and about 50 from my SSI and 74 on my EBT which my parents use because I really don't eat coz of my anorexia and depression and anxiety combo. But my Medicaid pushes meds that are normally around 200-300 dollars out of pocket, even with discounts like GoodRx, pushes them all the way down to 3 dollars a piece. And my mood stabilizer is especially pricey. So Idk what I'm gonna do when I move in with someone in Asheville coz I will want to be focusing on school and shadowing/interning and volunteering and not have to worry about working, but then. . .I want to work, too. But only at a vet's office or somewhere that deals with medical things. I'm literally 1 class away from getting my vet transfer degree. But do you know why I started over from scratch? Because I can't handle the speech class which is the last and only class I need AND because this degree, albeit a fully accredited AA, is nothing more than a "Here. You have taken all the gen ed classes and a million extracurriculars and now you can use this degree to get into a vet tech school!" Which, I mean, is great, because I REALLY want to get into North Carolina Univeristy in Raleigh. . .that would be my ideal school for vet tech training in this state (not my ideal state, obvs...I hate the south and I want to live in Massachusetts, but it's too expensive). But. . .the in-state tuition is above 10k. I highly doubt any sort of financial aid would cover all of that, even with Pell Grants.

Yes, I realize that becoming a tech and then going for the full vet surgeon licensing is gonna put me in debt until long after I die and that I'm going to be paying back literal millions of dollars worth of loans for the rest of my life and beyond. But why go to a school like that for 10k when they have the same hands-on program at a fully accredited community college? I never even realized how much of a difference the community college price versus university price was. . .because I've had Florida Pre-Paid this whole time and haven't had to pay anything big yet and right now my loan paybacks are at about 1k-2k at the most. I just...would uh...to add a 10k on top of that... (for one semester)...and then another 10k (for one more semester)...then two more 10k's for the last two semesters....I don't know if I could do all that. And then I have to PAY to take three different tests and if I fail even one, all that training was for nothing. And of course, applications and records and SAT score retrieval all cost money, too. AND THIS IS JUST FOR TECH SCHOOL. NOT EVEN FULL VET LICENSING AND SURGICAL LICENSING. So despite NC State and Raleigh being my dream in this state. . .it's just not. . .I don't think it's a wise decision. So I'm aiming for Asheville.

Now. . .all my disability money and SSI will be going to rent and utilities and I'm totally willing to share my EBT with whatever roommate I end up with, but I will lose ALL of that if I start any kind of job. Even a min wage retail job. And I'm fine with that. I will work till it kills me to make rent and utilities and such. But it's the FUCKING MEDICAID. If I start working, I lose my Medicaid, too. ...and I can't afford my meds without it. So...I'm not sure what to do here. I don't have credit yet but if I were to GET a credit card and gain credit, it would immediately be awful because of all my medical debt and there's no coming back from that coz I just can't do it in this economy. Which is exactly why I have put off getting any sort of credit. For...my entire adult life.

But right now...my plan is...go to New Orleans with my three good friends. Stay there for 2 weeks-month tops, which they said is totally fine and I'm completely welcome. Not like we haven't done this before in opposite situations anyways. Lmao. We help each other as much as we can. Next step? Gain roommate in Asheville through several roommate matching sites I found. Move there. THEN work on getting into the college I want and transferring my online credits and all the credits from the two other colleges I'm in and transferring my SAT scores whilst attempting to find an internship or shadowing position. And after that? I'm really not sure. I don't have a plan from there. But my mom agreed to keep my double coat dog brushed, cleaned, updated on his shots, fed properly like I feed him (NO HUMAN FOOD DAMNIT), bathed, nails clipped, butt shaved, and get the anesthesia dentistry done he needs for the next 2 years while I get my life in order. It's going to literally kill me to be away from him like that. But she said if I am not "stable to her liking" in 2 years, she will put him in a kill shelter. So not only do I WANT to do this, I HAVE to do this. Because if that happened. . .that would be the absolute last straw at any chance I would have of recovery. That dog is my life. Hell, I have his name tattooed on my wrist. I spend every waking second with him and even these couple weeks of in and out of consciousness was hell without him. I was worried about him every goddamn second and I could hear him borking and howling upstairs while I was barricaded downstairs and it would just kill me. It was like I could physically feel my heart being stabbed.

Annnd....Idk how I'm going to find a roommate that will take in an asexual, polyamorous, panromantic, nerdy recluse like me with questionable future financial stability and no credit. But even if I have to live in my car to get through school, find a place, and get my dog with me, I'll do it. I'm HOPING I will find a roommate that likes me AND a vicious little (read: very large) neurotic pomeranian in tech school. Someone who ALSO has a dog or AT LEAST a cat so that my dog will not be lonely while I am gone all day. I don't want to have to take him in with me alone and then be gone literally all day and only see him for 2 seconds before falling asleep and getting the only interaction with him possible at feeding time and to briefly take him out to go potty. I don't want that for him. He needs more. He deserves more. At least, leaving him with my mom and dad, he will be safe and taken care of and will have his "sister" and the cats to play with and he can bork to his hearts content. And my dad is retired and my mom only works 4 days a week, so he will be walked every day and taken out appropriately and I made them sign a document stating they would do this for 2 years.

So...tomorrow...I am scouring Asheville, every surrounding town within a 15 mile radius, and one within a 20 mile radius, to see what everything looks like in person and make sure the areas are diversified and active and are NOT a small town or even close to a regular sized town, but much bigger and much more diversified than a goddamn southern town with a bunch of white deer hunting orange overlord voters and then I'm gonna make it back in time for the Discovery premiere (Trekkie thing) coz it will be legendary. Like...Kirk's premiere, kinda legendary. And then I'm gonna pack after that, cuddle with my dog all night, and...leave for New Orleans whenever I wake up if I manage to sleep. Or leave when I finally decide "Fuck it, I can't stay in bed any longer." And I'll say goodbye to my dog.....and...cry..a lot...and hug him and kiss him and take tons of pictures and oh god now I'm crying.

That's all just the basics, though. There has been a lot of other less major stuff going on that's getting to me but. . .I will be so goddamn happy to see my three friends that are taking me in that I think I'm gonna cry good tears when I get there.

It’s really hard to think straight when you’re withdrawing AND the most impulsive person in the world.

Just gotta say...I thought dealing with generalized anxiety without meds was hard. Nah...dealing with panic disorder without meds is impossible. I can't fucking do anything without having a mostly physical style panic attack every 2 goddamn seconds. Feels worse than withdrawals, honestly. I have a couple benzos left...but literally only like 2 ativan and maybe 5 valium? So...trying to save those for like...really hard moments like the first day of an internship or something. So I have a plan about that, too, and Idk if it’s going to work, but I am DONE writing right now.

THANK YOU GOODNIGHT.

[i-just-really-like-ladies]

Hey op, I saw your post about discovering you were autistic. Something similar is happening to me except I haven't gone for a diagnosis yet. Would it be okay for you to talk about how you knew?

For me there are things that...fit really well, that hit very close to home, but others not so, so Im not sure if whatever it is that I've got (because clearly, something is there.) I'm not very sure if the autistic spectrum can be so wide as for me to be included in it.

Any tips?

Of course, happy to help.

For me there were three kind of bigger indicators.

First, and after discussing this one with my therapist, it seems to be very consistent across autistic people: I've always felt different. Like I knew that I was at the very least slightly off in comparison to other people. (Please excuse the phrasing, I couldn't think of another way to put it properly).

Second, linked with the first: I have always experienced this thing I like to describe as 'not feeling like a real person'. All that really means is that I see the way other people are out laughing boldly with friends or joking or just straight up experiencing the world, and I think "man, I wish I could be a real person." And it always made me sad because I was consciously realising that I cannot and do not experience the world in the same way most neurotypical people do. It was just this huge feeling of otherness. (My therapist indicated that this is very common)

Third: masking. Now, this one made me feel bad for a really long time because I had no clue what was going on until my ex-girlfriend was like "oh, yeah, that's masking." For me, one of the biggest ways I mask is to copy mannerisms and speech patterns of people I'm around. I do it the most when I really like someone (friend like or romantically) or when a person makes me so extremely uncomfortable that I guess my brain is like "you need to mimic them for safety reasons." The reason this one bothered me so much is that I always felt like I just couldn't have my own personality, why was I always copying other people, surely they've all noticed and think I'm a fucking weirdo. It was very upsetting until I learned it was masking. Finding that out has helped me to accept it when I do it, even though I am trying to mask less.

So, those are the big three. There are lots of other minor things. I have ocd, which very commonly goes hand in hand with Autism. I got that need for rigid schedule and following the same patterns almost daily (slight variations are okay, but people planning stuff and not telling me when I've already set up my personal schedule for the day in my head, big no no). I eat the same foods on repeat and have an extremely difficult time changing it up. When I like food or dislike it, the primary reason is texture. (My fiance actually pointed this one out. Apparently I talk about the texture of food a ton).

I'm sure you've probably come across information about the emotionality of Autistic people. The common trope is that we are very emotionless. However, thats not accurate at all. There are two main big categories of where we can fall: tending to not feel emotions very strongly (the trope), and feeling emotions very intensely, more intensely than neurotypical society says is appropriate 🙄. I fall into this category, and I hate it because I have spent so much time trying to just not feel my emotions because they are so intense and my expression of them is 'inappropriate' that it has caused a great many mental health issues for me. So the eye roll face is because I think that the appropriate expression of emotion dictated by most of society is stupid. Along with this one, I have a hard time verbalizing and verbally identifying how I am feeling. As a result, I tend to just tell people I am upset. My therapist says this is somewhat common amongst Autistic individuals. I cannot recall the reasoning she gave for it being common, but I am including it because it was brought up in the process of discussing all this.

I also have this huge tendency to overexplain my reasons for things I've done or said because I do not want to be misunderstood/I have experienced misunderstanding so many times that I learned to do this at some point (I consider this to be part of my masking). This one seems to be pretty common, at least from tiktok. I've seen a lot of Autistic people on tiktok mention it.

Side note in relation to this but still relevant to the post imo, I hate that society tends to think you are lying the more detail you provide. I have a tendency to find all details absolutely vital. So when telling someone about what happened in a situation, I relay as much information as I can. Apparently, that means you are lying. It frustrates me a lot.

In that same vein, another thing my therapist said is fairly common: many Autistic people like to ask why continuously. Not as in just repeating "why," but rather that someone will say "I don't know" or provide an answer, but we often are still seeking a further reason. I've done this my entire life, and booooy does it aggravate people. For me it is just that I want to know the reasoning behind things. I want to know as much information as possible about the topic, and, as mentioned above, I tend to find every single detail absolutely important. That just leads to continuously asking why.

So another one for me, of which I am unsure the commonality: I have a very difficult time maintaining friendships unless I see someone most days of the week. I would say about 5 out of the 7 makes it the easiest for me, but it has worked out on less than that, rarely. The reason for this is that I forget to talk to people when I cannot physically see them. I mean, I just don't think about it for weeks on end. Then I will for a second, but won't message them because I'm doing something, and then forget about it again for ages. Part of this is that I prefer in person communication because I can try to read people's body language and facial expressions. The other part is tone of voice is more clear in person than via text. Now, this one bothered me when I was trying to figure out if I was autistic because it is common for Autistic people to not recognise facial cues and body language the same way as neurotypical people. Turns out, according to my testing results paperwork, i just have a higher ability to recognise facial expressions than most people diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. So, I just vary a bit from the average.

Within this same vein is the commonly known 'eye contact issue'. The stereotype is that we cannot and do not make eye contact. This is so false. Many Autistic people do not make eye contact well, yes, but not all. For example, I do. I told one of my brothers I was getting tested for Autism and his response was, and I quote literally here, "I don't think you're Autistic because you make eye contact." What he didn't know is the reason why I make eye contact. I do it because I was taught repeatedly that it is how you show people you are listening. So, basically, I'm masking when I make eye contact because I'm solely doing it to show someone I am listening to them. In fact, 😆 I commonly am sitting there telling myself to make eye contact in order to indicate that I am present and interested in what the other person is saying. I also have a harder time masking this way when attempting to talk about things that are important and emotionally relevant to me. In therapy, I rarely make eye contact with my therapist because it is so difficult to talk about things in general that I cannot also make eye contact. Lastly, for this one, the more comfortable I am with someone, the less I make eye contact with them. My fiance, for example, not very common at all that I do it.

There is also the very common special interests phenomenon. The media tends to show this as a math or science thing, but it really isn't. I follow one tiktoker whose special interest is bugs and, I believe, art. I highly recommend her. Her handle is: soundoftheforest. For me, it's language/linguistics and ancient egypt, Greece and Rome. Really, I'd say ancient anywhere history, but those are the big three. Egypt has been my longest interest, besides language. I actually remember the moment I was like "this is it for life." I was 7 and had finished my library books but was bored at daycare. So I went to the book shelf and picked up a book about King Tut. It was the page I read about the day Howard Carter found the tomb. And I just knew me and Ancient Egypt were meant to be forever. As for language, I've literally always been fascinated by it. I started speaking very early and with more complex words than is usual. And I just continued to love language from there. I ended up studying ancient Greek and Latin in college. Also, I info dump about these all the time, almost anytime I possibly can because they're so fucking cool. 😁

Another side note, it is common for Autistic individuals to have delays in speaking, I just did not. It is not something required for the diagnosis. It is just very common.

This one is a little bit weird, and might just be a me thing, but I've discussed it with my therapist. She indicated that it very much aligns with Autism. I cannot, or can but with extreme apprehension and knowledge that I will leave depressed; I simply cannot go into buildings of certain lighting, age, and design. It seems to be buildings that look and/or feel like they were built in the 1960s or 1970s. We haven't really figured out why that is a thing, but it is. I once didn't bother to finish applying for a job to teach Latin that I'd basically been guaranteed so long as I sent in the app because when I went for the interview I saw the building and knew I could not teach there, even part time, because the building would depress me constantly. It's a weird one, but if you have anything at all where you just cannot do it because you know it will affect you like this, I'd bring it up in discussing potentially being Autistic.

I nearly forgot to mention this one, but you've probably heard about the sensory issues that many Autistic people deal with. I have some with touching things, but it is less common an issue for me than my sound sensitivity issues. I am very sensitive to sound. If I had to give a 4th big reason, this would be it because I get overstimulated and overwhelmed by sound multiple times a day. Its rough. If you also have this issue, I cannot recommend enough noise cancelling headphones and chew stim toys when you don't have your headphones. It's really helpful.

This last one I'm going to mention is something that I think I do just to help prevent burnout from masking, but is also part of me specifically. I am an introvert. So that plays a role in this. I spend the vast majority of my time completely by myself. I do mean even when at home with my fiance. We are often in different rooms. I have no problem with it. It doesn't feel like it is bad for our relationship, thankfully. I just prefer to be alone most of the time. The more time I spend around people, the more time afterwards I need alone. That is partially my introvertedness but also me needing to because I am socially exhausted from masking and trying to read all the social cues and not make weird errors when in social settings 😳, which I do a lot. I think I just default to spending time by myself when I am not required to engage with people in order to ensure that I can later. Plus, in discussing this one with my therapist, we concluded that I do this at least in part to prevent burnout and overstimulation.

As for the testing itself. I discussed this with my therapist for a while when waiting to get tested, and by the time I did get tested, I had a nice long list of stuff to bring up. I would definitely recommend compiling a list of the symptoms/signs you feel are indicative for yourself. It was very quick after I first brought it up in therapy that I decided I needed the official diagnosis for myself. So my therapist gave me recommendations of who to see. I also looked myself because the recommended people were so booked they couldn't even schedule further out. Once I got it scheduled, I had to wait like 3 months for the appointments. So, if you are seeking the official diagnosis, don't give up because it's a long wait. From what I've seen others saying, it's pretty common to have to wait a bit to be seen.

There were 3 appointments, an intake, a testing, and a feedback appointment. The intake appointment involved me talking to the doctor about my experiences and why I thought I might be autistic. She asked me a few questions about the more commonly known signs of autism if I did not mention them. The testing appointment took about 4 hours and involved a self report personality assessment, several verbal and memory activities, a teaching activity, two story telling/creating activities, and (the part I thought was most difficult) an activity in which I had to identify the emotion being expressed by just the eye and eyebrow area of black and white photos of people. I also had a take home assessment for someone who knew me really well. It was related to executive functioning abilities and emotional regulation abilities. I cannot speak on the feedback appointment because of technical issues resulting in not actually having that appointment. I have rescheduled it and will be doing that later this month.

If you have anything more specific you want to ask me about, please do. I am happy to answer.

[allsystemsarenotgo]

Thanksgiving

I'm in a low place. The people that are supposed to be my friends, I've leaned on them to keep/give me reason to be happy and many are cutting me loose because they don't want to deal with my personality. I try to reach out and grasp for a hand or anything, and there's nothing there.

I try to talk to my ex because she's the only female I've seen in the last 365 days outside of work, and she refuses to talk to me unless I get her laid. So I'm just here all alone.

Last night I automated a big batch of text messages to go out at 7AM local time to many of the contacts in my phone.

I wasn't sure if I would, or would want to, wake up to see the replies.

Tonight's episode of 'Mom' was about how calming a 1-minute-long hug can be. I need that. But there's no traveling professional hugger to stand in line for in real life.

I'm really bordering on not-very-okay and pretending-to-be-okay.

I'm trying to hold myself together.

🚪🚶‍♂️🚶‍♂️

----

💀

On one hand, I have to be thankful for the few friends still in my life. They care just enough to not walk out on me. But I also know that several have one foot out the door. I haven't lost them yet, but I am of no use or substance in their life, and they have already decided that they don't need me taking up space.

On the other hand, I have to be thankful for the people that have maimed me over the years. They have reminded me to trust no-one, regardless of how close I may be or how long I have known a person. That anyone can operate a sword with little or no warning.

Here I am, 1 AM black Friday morning. I have to be at job#2 at 9AM. The last 2 nights I have cried myself to sleep, soothed only by my weighted blanket and the shallow vibration of the Bluetooth subwoofer under my pillow, playing Pandora.

This time last night, I wasn't sure if I wanted to live. A weighted blanket would make asphyxiation so simple.

But as much as I hurt, annoy, and upset others now, removing myself forcefully from the situation would only make it so much worse. Removing myself only shifts the pain from my heart to others' hearts. I already make their world's bad enough as it is.

I could say 'Happy Thanksgiving' 500 times, and it would never come out genuine. I really don't care about the holiday for what it is. But to save face and for all the BS reasons, I'll say 'Happy Thanksgiving'.

I woke up at 10:30. I laid in bed until 12:30. Motivation was zero. But I finally got up. I felt like shit, but I got up. I ate breakfast. I worked for 2.5 hours. I ate poultry and other side dishes. I worked for 2 more hours.

Then the roasting began. I made a comment in a group chat, and the other members started roasting me hard. I'll admit that I was laughing all along the way. I needed the laugh. But at the same time that I'm laughing, I'm also hurting because the things they say are true. They are not good things. My life is a disaster. I'm working 2 jobs, self employed, I've been single for 8 years, and been turned down and/or ghosted in the dating world repeatedly. I'm stuck in a deep rut, and as funny as the jokes may be, the reality of the situation is extremely dire.

I reached out to a distant friend and asked their opinion on the affects of medical attention. Their reply was that it helped some things, but they couldn't stand the constant feeling of being mentally numb. They didn't have any emotion at all. So they stopped taking it.

That is a scary thought for me. I was that way in high school, and look where that got me when I had a massive mental collapse.

At least right now, when I collapse, my Jenga tower is only 3 or 4 layers high when the off-balance beam is pulled and I hardly feel the impact as I hit rock bottom.

"100 bad days made 100 good stories, 100 good stories makes me interesting at parties" - AJR

So much of my life has changed in the last 3 months, that I don't even know if I have a comfort level anymore. I'm trying to take better care of myself. If I was going to destroy my past at this point, the lack of comfort of any action would just blend in.

Going to a physical therapist every 2 weeks has been a massive change of comfort level for me. But going to a mental therapist? You'd think after 3 years of it in high school, I would know how to think about it. But I don't. I was damaged so badly over those 3 years by people that didn't actually carecor have any empathy, that I don't want to meet another one.

I feel like a solid group of friends is so much better than the flaky, careless therapists I had. Friends are easier to open up to, they actually listen, and they know my personality. They can make my feel much better and provide feedback that works for me.

But I no longer have that solid group of friends. I wouldn't even call it a group of friends. I leaned on them so badly that the friendship started falling over. Then I lost them. The friendships fell down, hit the ground, and shattered.

And now, I don't know what to do. I am psychologically lost.

"I don't want to die, I just want to stop feeling like I do."

But mentally, I feel like I am already dead and there should be a funeral. The body just needs to follow suit.....

[possum-teeth]

wow i’m actually not on mobile for once so i can do one of these

i can’t fucking do this anymore.

because i’m stupid and mentally ill (separate entities completely) i apparently cannot bring up my real problem to my therapist.

nightmares? nah, i can deal with that shit, it just adds to some sleep problems, not really affecting me enough for me to care anyway. yeah, it sucks, but i’ve lived with it for years. they can improve. they have improved.

flashbacks?? yeah, terrible, absolutely throws me for a fucking loop, but ultimately livable. 

dissociation maybe??? getting fucking closer tbh, i’m missing out on so much, where has my time gone? has it been a few minutes? hours?? fuck i hate myself. i am not myself when i dissociate, i feel like a fucking robot. and i can’t fucking escape it unless someone physically like touches or nudges me or something. it usually takes a lot, but occasionally weird changes in the general speaking and sounds around will be enough, like yelling or that weird whisper yelling thing people will do.

no though, it’s gotta be the fucking episodes i go through in public. from what i’ve gathered they are linked to sensory processing problems. it’s normally never been enough to bring up, i tend to have it very very mild for the most part, i fucking hate a lot of shit, it feels uncomfortable and near intolerable, but ultimately i can handle it. i fucking hate wearing shoes and socks, flip flops are a good compromise for me, HATE pants. they are the fuckign devil they feel so fucking wrong on my legs, the only tolerable ones are incredibly loose too large pajama pants, so i wear shorts. all year long. i live in the fucking midwest too, we do have some bad winters. i still wear shorts then. i cannot  clip my nails, it feels so absolutely wrong on a LOT of levels. they either break or i suck it up and chew them off eventually on a night before i take a shower and go to bed, hoping they’ll finally feel normal again in the morning.  and sounds i’m okay with for the most part nowadays, mostly in part to my mother who i swear to fucking god was trying to go deaf, i do have off days where i need to turn the car radio way down though. i feel like an asshole those days. 

honestly my sensory problems are mostly auditory and tactile in form and generally manageable (they had to be, i needed to shut up about my problems growing up because they were all in my head y’know. like how depression isn’t real and i just needed to stop being depressed like how it’s a choice you know?) but when i get the slightest bit stressed istfg everything is amplified x1,000,000

and i can’t fucking deal with this shit anymore.if i can’t hole myself up in an area in complete isolation quick enough or have someone to solely focus on, like holding onto, having a simple talk with to calm me down or just fucking shocked out of it usually by something gross(like when i was younger my little sister’s gross sticky fingers would snap me out of shit somehow, i needed to wash that shit off my hands asap, i feel like it should have the opposite affect but whatever, if it works i won’t question it) but anyway if i don’t get away i will either dissociate to the fullest degree and not even know where the fuck i am in time and space, or i will feel like everything is way too loud, a whole foreign language, feel like pins are stuck everywhere under my clothes, and want to run away/ punch someone/ and/or bash my fucking head into the nearest solid object be it a wall, a tree, a table, or even the fucking floor. I cannot rationally think, i get so fucking stupid to put it into a word, and then the absolute exhaustion sets in. which tends to last for hours. 

and fucking shit when i feel that overwhelmed i wish i could say i feel like i’m hitting rock bottom, but no. i feel like if i don’t get away while in the middle of all that, which i have each time, i have ran out of a store a few times luckily not into traffic tho it wouldn’t surprise me if i ran in front of a car in these episodes, but i feel like i’ll reach a point where i’ll just straight up faint. 

i’ve been trying for years to improve this, i’ve tried just gradually working my way up to larger places but i’m only getting worse. like i feel like the only permanent solution is either just dying and being done or never being alone. i can’t fucking live like this anymore.

like i do not have a diagnosis but i’m suspecting have have sensory processing disorder of some sort but who would i even see about it. haha like my general practitioner would take me seriously. my breathing problems are a fucking mystery i was told i’d be contacted about seeing a specialist and it’s been weeks. i’m just making all sorts of shit up for attention clearly. i’m so fucking frustrated i’m almost to tears. i’ve been in tears over this shit. my therapist won’t diagnose me with shit, i don’t even know anymore. 

IT IS SO FUCKING HARD FOR ME TO COME TO PEOPLE WITH MY PROBLEMS IN REAL LIFE. my mother always told me i was faking it when i got sick, i was faking it when i got the fucking flu, but my brother wasn’t when he got it the day after. i felt like i was fucking DYING. PEOPLE WERE CONCERNED FOR ME AT SCHOOL. 

and oh if that wasn’t fucking bad enough, i had an abscessed tooth when i was younger that i had pointed out to her.   it went on FOR MONTHS. it could have fucking spread and i could have actually died. i kinda wish it had killed me.

i can’t understand how she never cared to even QUESTION IT. like even then it had to be one of the first things to pop up when you google ‘bump on gums’ and she was not stupid with technology. she took to it like a fish in water. she texts more than me and texted before me.

 i am just tired.