#Not an outwardly depressive character but just look at this dude

[liketheinferno2]

These aren't full ref sheets but I was trying to take some clear pictures of Hephaistos for later art reasons and then got side tracked doing all of the Pandaemonium bosses so here they are in order. Also for anyone following who doesn't play FFXIV and knows it as the catgirl game, enjoy this instead? VISUAL SPOILERS obviously.

Asphodelos

Warder of the Condemned: Erichthonios

Mythic Creation: The Hippokampos

Mythic Creation: The Phoinix

(+ familiars)

Hemitheos: Hesperos

(+ sexy fanfic redesign by Nemjiji)

To be brutally honest I never really liked either of these designs compared to every other Hemitheos we get, I think the really brutal black and red of the Phoinix is weakened by gold accents, but I still am always down for gay vampire surf rock. The Savage version kind of looks like Ultimalius as well if you've played XVI.

Abyssos

Mythic Creation: Proto-Carbuncle

Hrgrhhgrhrgrh

Hemitheos: Hegemone

^ My favourite detail on this is you can see the parasite's outlines in her robes and in her legs, then right through the eye holes on the mask to wrap around the torso. I'm convinced this version of Hegemone is functionally an ant being piloted by a cordyceps infection.

Hemitheos: Agdistis

She's very big

Perfect Imperfection: Hephaistos

I'm probably biased by Abyssos being the first raid I was there for day of release but these really are all fantastic. It's also when the story abandons all pretense of not being (at least partly) about family abuse and is loudly using the body horror and shackle motifs to talk about that. It's great. Hephaistos specifically is constantly bulging and twisting in and out of different forms like a highly unstable chimera and the more I look at these the more I notice parts that just should not be there. He's giving everything.

As for the Savage design It's a hard thing to rate as such but my favourite part is the veins that grow down from the eyeholes in his mask like bloody tears.

Thanks Abyssos I love you

Anabaseios

Mythic Creation: Kokytos

Dæmoniac Dungeon: Pandæmonium

It's really hard to communicate how huge this nasty tumor crab I zoomed out as far as physically possible in the game engine and subsequently ended up at a goofy angle staring up his nose.

Ephemeral Justice: Themis

Best boy. The double ended lance and second pair of arms are fantastic for this character.

Theos: Athena

In.. almost every final fantasy adventure you're fighting the real villain not at the very end but a little beforehand, the big iconic end boss is often more a metaphorical figure representing everything wrong with that first person's ideals. Athena cut out the middle man and became her own JENOVA.

I do like the moth angel, especially the hollow body full of dubious orbs, but with her eyes closed all the time it gives off the impression of this not even being the true body but some kind of anglerfish lure in the shape of a fairy... which might be true because this exists:

I really really love her twitchy anemone feelers and how the moth body ends up grafted to the rest of it waist down.

Anyway there's the gang I did not specifically intend for this to be design reviews I just wanted to have clear photos because when you actually see them in game there's other things to focus on. In hindsight I can appreciate more the theming of each tier and then the series as a whole, but my only (extremely obvious) observation for now is that every character Athena had a personal hold over is decorated in chains somehow and so I should have seen the Hegemone thing coming lmao. Heph and Aggy are still my favourites I don't think that's changing any time soon. I'm also noticing that Anabaseios is now just old enough for random DF parties to fuck up severely and I find that fun so I'm going to go fight the crab mansion now.

[sapphire-weapon]

Final thoughts on Death Island.

First, the less serious and sometimes shitpost/meme shit:

spent a not-insignificant amount of this movie distracted by Leon’s body hair, which is not a thing I ever thought I’d say, but sweet Jesus it’s about damn time

RIP Chris’s tiger shirt. that thing ripped easier than one of Hulk Hogan’s tank tops, man.

I get that she’s a BOW or whatever, but it’s never not going to blow my mind that this series gets away with its darling male protagonist (Leon) punching a woman in the face on screen

in fact, it’s kind of wild that Maria’s only purpose for being in this movie is to just hunt Leon for sport. like she’s literally ONLY there to beat his ass. what a fuckin queen.

I’m not saying that it’s canon that Leon and Jill had sex at some point, perhaps multiple times, between RE5 and Death Island. I’m just saying they were very, very chummy and hands-on with each other, and Chris was seemingly absent from Jill’s life for those six years, so.

actually, you know what. there’s a non-zero chance Leon has actually banged the entire recurring cast by this point. except maybe Rebecca. because she’s smarter than the other three.

Leon and Chris are the most married they have ever been, holy shit they are so fucking married

my reaction to Leon repeatedly saying the word “terrorist” in this movie probably should not have been “oooh say it again~” but it was because “this is no ritual. it’s terrorism” is still the single most ridiculous line that has ever come out of that man’s mouth, and I really felt the absence of it in RE4make, so I’m glad its spirit still lives on

Chris is looking old, dude. he’s beat the fuck up.

but so is Leon. when I wasn’t distracted by Leon’s body hair, I was distracted by the lines around his mouth. so, Chris has obvious wrinkles forming around his eyes, and Leon has them forming around his mouth. but the girls are all pristine. mhm.

OK SO IS INFINITE DARKNESS CANON OR NOT BECAUSE DEATH ISLAND REAFFIRMS DEGENERATION AS CANON, BUT ID AND DEGEN CAN’T EXIST IN THE SAME REALITY DON’T MAKE ME PULL OUT THE FUCKING CORKBOARD AGAIN

Now, the more serious actual commentary:

it’s a little nuts to me how I keep seeing people in fandom say that Leon has no hint of depression in this movie. when Dylan is verbally dragging them all while they’re slowly succumbing to the T-Virus, both Chris and Claire clap back with affirmations that they believe in what they’re doing and that they’re doing the right thing. Leon... doesn’t. 

like, Dylan says to him basically “you're stuck in this horrible nightmare that keeps repeating because the people that you fight for put you through it on purpose because it serves their own ends, and it’s got you burnt out, but they just keep using you.” and Leon’s response is basically “I mean, you’re not wrong, but I don't exactly have a choice, so.”

he’s still stuck and trapped and resentful of his position, and he’s reached a point now where he’s just resigned himself to his fate. there’s very much a sense of inevitability about him, which is reinforced at the end when he tells Chris that this is just going to keep happening -- fuckers like Dylan are always going to keep coming back, because they always do.

the man shouldn’t have to be outwardly despairing and visibly drunk for people to pick up on his depressive mindset, but I guess I don’t know what I expected from this fandom.

Leon’s character was actually perfect in this movie. whoever wrote him this time around Gets It. he’s written the way that I write OG Leon and have been writing him for years. his humor-as-a-coping-mechanism is there without being obnoxious (which is where Damnation fucked up), his professionalism is there without being too serious (which is where Degeneration fucked up), his depressive mindset is there without fully consuming him (which is where Vendetta fucked up), and his latent anger at the state of things and at his life in general is there without feeling like it’s dysregulated (which is where Infinite Darkness fucked up).

so, for the anon who asked me what my favorite iteration of Leon is: the answer is Death Island. he is pitch perfect in this movie. straight up.

it did really catch my attention how the movie made it a point to call attention to Leon being burnt out. there’s just something about the way it happened that makes me feel like they’re setting up for Leon’s character to get retired in RE9. I don’t know why I think that, because it makes no sense from a business standpoint for him to be the first of the five to get retired, but. I dunno, man.

the only bit of weirdness in this movie was the whole Chris and Jill thing at the beginning that I already commented on. everything else in this movie was basically perfect. this is the best version of Claire we’ve seen since Code Veronica. like, hands down. Rebecca getting giddy and geeking out over beating the big monster with science could not have been more perfect. everything about Jill was excellent.

like, I have so few things to complain about re: this movie that I’m sitting here going “you know the mocap was kind of wonky in some spots” WHICH IS THE MOST ARBITRARY, NITPICKY SHIT EVER.

but like

I’m just going to throw this out there

but Dylan was super right.

he was so correct in a way that no RE villain has ever been correct ever in the history of this series. I kind of... spent some of this movie actually rooting for him. I was ready for him to kill the crew and wouldn’t have been mad about it if he did; I was like “fuck it, he’s right.” like, I was just sitting there like DRAG LEON AND CHRIS HARDER FOR LITERALLY BEING "THE MAN" DRAG THEIR ASSES FORCE THEM TO FEEL SHAME

in a lot of cases, a story is only as good as its villain, and Dylan being so right was a big part of the reason why this movie worked so well.

Wesker could never.

[slocumjoe]

what companions would be furries (+ what kind of animal they'd be)

Cait; Incredible trauma. Substance abuse. Questionable employment. This woman already is a furry in canon, Todd just didn't think it relevant to bring up. Not quite hardcore, but not a casual either. She has art and goes to conventions, but she's not getting a suit. There are a lot of good choices for a fursona, but I'm leaning towards a wolverine. They're small and they're fucking terrifying. Those bitches kill bears. They weigh about 30 lbs, give or take. Y'know what else is 30 lbs, give or take? A COCKER SPANIEL. Huge Cait energy.

Codsworth; Would not be a furry, but would find it endearing. Y'know, the same reaction an adult has as a child talks about their wolf roleplay during recess? "I am very confused but at least you have friends and fun, tell me more!" Robot Codsworth's fursona is an octopus, and a synth/human Codsy is a bird. Like...maybe an owl, or something similarly rounded/soft in shape. Think Owl from Winnie the Pooh.

Curie; She's a furry, not a Furry. She's not going to any conventions, and probably isn't drawing her fursona or commissioning art. Its likely she uses it to, like, educate children, like as a mascot for her clinic or something. Same situation as Codsy, two fursonas for her two different bodies. The synth body, that there is a mouse. Cute and very important to scientific discoveries, despite being often disregarded and more often, abused in the field. The Ms. Nanny bot fursona is a blue-ringed octopus, specifically.

Danse; Not a furry. Would find it very strange if it was explained to him, and would assume it was something kids do. Would be visibly disturbed if explained that, no, this is actually more of a teen-to-adult space. If he looks it up later and finds Certain Things, you will be receiving the bill for his next anti-depressants. However, entirely possible he is a closeted furry and has yet to realize this about himself. I'm leaning toward a bull? Bull-headed, obviously, but also, down to earth, reliable, et cetera...it fits his character.

Deacon; KING OF THE FURRIES. Has multiple fursuits, all homemade. Commissions every artist he can find, every Twitter furry artist has him on their waitlist. Does not half-ass his furriness. This man is the furry you only hear about, the one with all the art and custom costumes and all the money to throw at his hobby. His fursonas are plentiful and ever changing, but his favorite one? A chameleon, with holographic, reflective, ever-changing scales.

Gage; would not be a furry. Well aware of what it is due to exposure to Mason. Wouldn't have been into it even if his introduction wasn't him and his crew. He gets the idea, it's just that the idea is weird as fuck. He's a grown man and he has people to scam and/or murder. Obviously, Gage would be an iguana. They have a ridge and a naturally gruff, bored expression. And the skin texture is about the same, too.

Hancock; another casual furry. Its likely he was introduced to it and brought in by someone else, and just kinda stuck around. There are two options as to what he'd be. 1; a sphinx cat. He's lanky, the skin matches, he has some kitty-like traits. The big eyes are a huge part here. 2; sloth. He's a very chill dude, he's always high (sloths getting high is currently contested but the demeanor fits) and despite being very small and not outwardly threatening, is very capable of fucking you up (sloths will use their MASSIVE FUCKING CLAWS for defense).

MacCready; Is a furry. His fursona is a weasel. This is so obvious i don't feel the need to defend or explain this. Look at him. He's a furry. The only interesting thing to say here is that Duncan would also grow up to be a furry. But Mac? He would be a hardcore furry if he had the money. Funds keep him a casual fan. If he did...would be worse than Deacon.

Nick; A first-gen furry. An elder furry. The very old man at the con who sees that you're lost and confused but trying very hard, with your furry 2008 emo paw gloves and your cat ear headband and painted on whiskers, and shows you around. Takes you under his wing (literally, as his fursona is a raven, obvi) and introduces you to various artists, suitmakers, other furries your age he'd think you'd get along with...this community would be in shambles without people like him. He's been here since the beginning and has seen it all, truly.

Piper; dabbled, couldn't get into it. She'd be a passersby, a visitor of a con but not a participator. Interested in the art of furrydom, the actual art and the suits, but as an outside observer. If Piper were an animal...a ferret, a squirrel, a possum, some kind of street-smart rodent. Something clever and tricky, that's always where its not supposed to be. For a wildcard, I could also see her as a bat of some kind.

Preston; not a furry and completely neutral to it. It doesn't interest him, but he doesn't find it weird, either. It's people LARPing as animals, people have been doing that ever since they evolved from animals. He gets it, he really does. Preston would like nothing more than to be a cat that does nothing but sleep and yell for attention. The cat life is peak existence for him. It's just that Preston is very literal, and the furry thing is more exaggerated. He doesn't want cat ears. He wants to not be a human anymore, please for the love of god—

X6-88; furry. A secret, dignified furry. A pretensious one. A gatekeepy one. This furry judges you if you don't have a suit. He has one. He doesn't wear it, it cost more than some houses, it stays in a glass case like a taxidermied trophy hunt. X6-88 is a furry. His fursona? A Doberman, because they were bred to protect asshole tax collectors, which fits with X6 being a courser. Tall, all sharp edges, an arresting glare, and very loyal and hardworking.

[bobbimorses]

I saw you mentioning that Clint's personality/portrayal in more recent works has been done poorly. What sort of things do you want to see acknowledged/come back in the modern Hawkeye portrayal?

ok, i’m gonna refrain from embedding panels since this will be so long. skip to the bold for what i’d like acknowledged again because i first try to analyze what recent misinterpretations stem from before getting to your point. whoops!

currently, people seem to overwhelmingly portray clint in only these terms: coffee, catchphrases, and clueless. now that’s not to say that the man doesn’t drink coffee, or that he’s an omniscient super-genius, but that people have taken traits from one portrayal they recognize and run so far with it that it seems like that’s all he is.

i think this is because a lot of people have either misinterpreted the circumstances at play in fraction’s hawkeye, or only know of clint from fanon or decontextualized panels from that run and subsequent appearances

here’s what was happening in fraction’s hawkeye: clint was in a state of depression. fraction’s run took a lot of inspiration from hawkeye’s first solo series (v1), by gruenwald, where clint’s also shown in a rut. in both runs, his depression partially stemmed from his lack of belief/confidence in himself. in v1, it’s a betrayal that makes him doubt he’s worthy of being loved. in fraction’s hawkeye (v4), it’s the amalgamation of all the beatings he’s recently taken in the avengers that makes him doubt he’s worthy of being an avenger.

v4 immediately follows from clint being burned to an absolute crisp (then healed...but not instantly) in a big event, avengers vs. x-men, while facing the phoenix-possessed x-men, aka god-like powered beings. issue 1 of v4 opens with clint being completely wrecked in a fall while avengering. he’d also been killed and thrown around a lot of other major marvel events in a short time prior to all this. basically, he’s been painfully reminded of just how human he is among a bunch of gods and super soldiers. he can handle the pain, but he can’t handle that all the breaks and burns are reminders of his fragility, his humanness; how was he unable to stop them from happening? he starts to question his place in the avengers.

so what you see in fraction’s hawkeye? the moping, the mess of an apartment, the subsistence on pizza, coffee, beer and cereal, long periods of just being on the couch and wanting to nap, the occasional apathy and bewilderment at things happening around him? that’s depression. clint’s not on his A-game, he’s at a low point. unfortunately, a side-effect of v4′s popularity (it’s a well-made comic!) is a lot of people only know this side of clint; they don’t have the image of clint on a good day to “compare” against, and think “this is it.” but that’s not it; i think v4 is meant to show that even the most heroic can slip into apathy when sinking into depression. v4 is about clint finally accepting help from his friends, his neighbors, overcoming his indifference, and believing that not only is he the one that has to stop the villains, but that he can and will. because he’s hawkeye.

now onto what’s lacking in portrayals that misinterpret/represent clint:

jumping off from that doubt in his capabilities, clint has previously been shown to suffer from insecurities. his outwardly overconfident attitude was, in his beginnings, a mask for his low self-esteem and total self-reliance. of course he knew he was the earth’s greatest marksman, but was this enough to take on all these world-ending threats? eventually, after proving himself time and time again, he shed a lot of these insecurities. his confidence was more than earned. his cockiness also threw enemies for a loop: “look at this dude with a bow saying he’s gonna annihilate us. as if he-OH NO.”

now, he’s being portrayed in an inversion of that same strategy: he’s written as getting enemies to underestimate him by acting dumb, bumbling, a klutz. the problem with writing this as clint’s consistent strategy instead of an occasional usage is uninformed readers, or decontextualization, will have people thinking he’s actually like that. that’s why i miss clint being brash and overly-boastful to throw enemies off. he’s already “just a guy with a bow,” why does he need an extra layer of feigned incompetence if everyone already sees him as that guy?

he does have that lingering thought of “am i really good enough to be an avenger?” but he responds to it by trying to be even better, and that drive is what makes him excel, one of the best, worthy of the rank. that drive should always be present. it also makes him kind of competitive (though that’s also just for fun)

snark & attitude: clint’s also always been snarky. i wouldn’t say he’s at the level of spider-man in terms of constant quipping, but when clint and pete have fought together, they’ve given each other a run for their money. clint’s humor also has a sort of lovable jerk quality to it at times, because he’s very light-hearted about it. he’s got a certain levity about him, because you have to when you’re aiming an arrow at a dude made of steel. i’ve seen this quality slowly return to the comics, i think. on that same note, his belligerence with authority, though obviously now more mellowed, can come in little doses like questioning aspects of a plan/order. clint is a confrontation magnet and can be a real loudmouth, even if he’s fiercely loyal to his team.

street smarts! clint has always been clever and had out-of-the-box thinking because he had to scrap by in an orphanage, then a travelling circus (and have you ever played a carnival game?). he’s used his smarts to gather intel, infiltrate (break into) places, trick people, and defeat many a villain. and he’s not above cheating to do it. he literally defeated an elder of the universe, saving the entire defeated roster of the avengers and the universe, by pulling an old carny trick.

trickshots: the first elder of the universe he defeated was with a combination of his cleverness and a trickshot. i want more trickshots again! ricocheting shots, shots where he’s had to determine all the involved angles almost instantaneously in his head, just ridiculously pulled off shots from a distance or at difficult targets all really demonstrate clint’s skill. he didn’t and doesn’t do all that training to not be the best archer. speaking of...

training: clint regularly trains to maintain and hone his skills daily. this isn’t really an issue with current comics writing per se but some people seem to think he just sits around all day (and not just for a vacation). literally his whole shtick is training a skill so much that he’s on par with superhumans. c’mon, guys. relatedly, he’s also skilled in combat because he trained with cap (ronin skills!)

acrobatics: clint spent his adolescence in a circus and was always trying to get in the show, so you know he brushed up on acrobatics. clint and cap even did some gymnastics training in the early days. i want more flips that clint didn’t necessarily have any business doing when he could’ve just leapt around with much less flare, like the typical showman he is (tales of suspense did have this)

accent: this one’s more nitpicky, but i’d maybe like a return of a little bit of a lilt on his dialogue again. i know marvel phased out overly-phoneticized accents, but clint, orphaned carny that he is, always had a casual way of speaking, and i enjoyed how that was reflected in his written dialogue. dropped g’s in gerunds, d’s in and, shortened word combos, etc. it doesn’t have to be over the top, just touches where needed. this is a thing that was kind of present in fraction’s hawkeye, actually.

leadership: though it’s not like marvel denies clint ever led multiple teams (editorial wouldn’t let that happen), lately he’s sometimes written as if he doesn’t have this experience to draw from, and sometimes not. it’s a bit inconsistent. this isn’t to say clint has to be the leader at all times, he works well in a team in any capacity--just don’t shrug off the development and coordinating abilities he gained from his leadership

disaster?: i don’t fault situations where clint's going about the motions and suddenly everything around him is a disaster because when isn’t it with clint’s luck, dude once got cornered by like 10 supervillains in a sewer. and the man can make some bad decisions. but just remember how he’d respond to a disaster: thinking up a plan (or trying to on the fly), using all the resources at his disposal to conquer the problem, maybe insulting 5 people in the process, trying to wink after he gets stabbed

i’m not trying to disparage some people’s interpretations of certain aspects of clint, i’m just advocating against a misunderstanding or persistent misconceptions of clint as a character. he’s a character rich in development because he’s been kicking around continuity for over 50 years now. he went from screaming at cap like a grounded teenager to being offered the shield and rejecting it out of utter respect. he’s complicated in his experiences, his relationships, and many facets of his character, though his motivations can sometimes be simple (help people, show off, prove i can be be that good by being better). to whittle hawkeye down to one note would be a disservice to clint barton’s journey and evolution.

actually, here’s a panel:

[chibivesicle]

Golden Kamuy chapters 239 & 240 - character background arrives for Kikuta

Hello all, this is a much belated meta for the past two chapters.  I was very busy with work last weekend and I’m feeling the usual work related exhaustion with the covid-19 situation on top of it.  I’m currently living in a part of the States which still has a much stricter social distancing policy and it is still unclear when I can return to work, even if we follow new social distancing policies.  Suffice to say, it has been a huge struggle for me.  I’m already more prone to suffer from depression and this situation has just been really hard with friends and family very far away from me.

I usually like to give my all into my meta analysis of a chapter but I really didn’t like chapter 239.  The sense of humor that underlies the “midnight shoot out” just well - well.  I wasn’t keen on it.  I have a pretty dirty sense of humor so it isn’t even the fact that it is a part of male body part humor; just how it was implemented.

So I’m just going to go with this.  Usami and our “Jack” convict are men cut from the same cloth who link sexual acts with violence.  The only difference between them is that Usami was found and groomed by Tsurumi, thus appearing to be a more contributing member of society (as a member of the military), while “Jack” has been left to his own devices and is a free roaming serial killer.  Usami is the correct member of the 27th to do the field work for this convict.  What is more interesting is teaming him up with Kikuta.  After Usami and Jack’s “shoot out” Usami pursues him on foot while he’s on horseback.  Usami’s general response is to try to beat someone via brute force.  It isn’t surprising that he just jumps for the man only to get knocked down, he acts on instinct.

Kikuta has a much more tempered response as he first had Usami and him split off to try to pinch him off between the alleys/streets.  It gives him a clear shot at Jack.  Here he’s using one of his revolvers in his right hand.

Jack is lucky as Kikuta hits his top hat. This pause in action allows Kikuta to spring into action.  He sprints towards Jack tossing his revolver so that he can grab onto the convict with his right hand.  What I really like about this is how is shows how Kikuta thinks very quickly on his feet as we saw at the hot springs.

He’s able to use his left hand to reach into his coat where he likely has at least another revolver in a holster.  It should be game over for the man as he tells him that he’s got him with the revolver to the back of his head.

Unfortunately, Kikuta is defeated by “Jack’s” manly abilities and it is just plain gross and unnecessary.  Kikuta is one of my fav current members of the 27th, I just didn’t like this entire scene.  As a result he escapes and Kikuta is likely feeling - well feeling used, gross and assaulted.

Usami and Kikuta continue to pursue him and hear a woman scream.  Sure enough he managed to kill her and Kikuta looks shocked as they find the body.  The fact that Usami looks at Kikuta from the corner of his eyes makes me think that Usami is not surprised by anything our killer does.

In contrast, despite his years of experience, Kikuta is uncomfortable with this type of criminal activity & violence.  He’s no stranger to violence but he clearly has a strong moral compass.

The next day, they return to the scene of the crime in daylight.  The sketchy and questionable police officer is there with our sad and pathetic reporter.  Kikuta muses what the killer is thinking.  Due to all the things that have transpired so far, it is clear that Kikuta is really trying to rationalize things.  In contrast,’knowing’ his mind, Usami just offers an explanation that makes sense to him since it takes one to know one.

This only further highlights the difference between these two men.  It is clear that Tsurumi wants them to keep working together, even if Kikuta is really uncomfortable with Usami.

Usami is eager to visit the other crime scene, Kikuta hangs back and lets Usami go ahead.  He uses this time to casually approach Ariko. Everything about Kikuta’s body language, behavior and vibe scream - spy/secret agent.  He’s able to address Ariko with a calm demeanor and then when Ariko almost panics he instructs him how to behave.

Kikuta cuts the tension by teasing Ariko, stating that he’d recognize his figure anywhere and to think he’d be difficult to recognize is a bit of an insult to Kikuta’s intelligence.

He’s able to approach Ariko about his role as an unwilling double agent.  Since he’s there under direct orders from Tsurumi he knows that for the time to being he should be in the loop as far as Hijikata’s movements.  If Ariko is in Sapporo, it is a logical extension that Hijikata is there as well.

The chapter then wraps up with Tsurumi leading most of his men to Sapporo leaving only two to remain near Otaru to look for Asirpa.  He reports that Kikuta is the one who sent him the telegram about our convict, Jack.  If Tsurumi is reporting the truth to his men, it means that Kikuta only reported on the convict and requested backup but Kikuta may be withholding information about Hijikata being there as well.  This chapter leaves it up in the air as it shows Tsurumi looking military dictator-ish while Hijikata stares off into the distance.

What is most important in this chapter is setting up how Kikuta is going to be some sort of player in the hunt for this convict in particular. 

Chapter 240 begins to bring the manga plot back to the aspects that I like of it, more intellectual, big picture moves of the different groups as well as a side of good old fashioned spy business.

The chapter title page helps us to establish Ariko’s and Kikuta’s personalities even more.  Ariko is playing cat’s cradle with Tanigaki in the trenches while Kikuta literally has Ariko’s back and he watches them.

This shows several things.  1.) Kikuta is similar to Ogata as he’s always watching.  Since he was one of the “Russian” kidnappers, we know he has a background in intelligence and he’s a clever guy.  We also know that he cares about Ariko as a person, hence comfortable enough to lean up against his back as well as cover that back. 2.) It let’s the reader know that Ariko is similar to Tanigaki.  He’s a large, soft, dopey man.  He is simple, he’s outwardly friendly and like Tanigaki he has natural outdoorsman/hunting skills but that he’s an okay solider and but isn’t the most intelligent.  Neither man is a good liar and they are predictable.

Ariko is 100% out of his element and trying to be a double agent is pretty much a situation ripe for failure.  He just can’t do it.  In direct contrast, Kikuta looks completely natural and at ease.  He’s used to doing things like this and he’s confident with the games of espionage and intelligence.

Ariko is barely able to hold himself together, voice unsteady, sweating, looking like he’s got no out.  So Kikuta tells him to team up with him in contrast to Hijikata and Tsurumi.

Of course Ariko is shocked by this statement.  Kikuta continues his argument. He frames himself as Ariko’s only option. They survived the war together, they saw that same moon together.  The flashback shows, Kikuta reaching out to touch Ariko while he goes to hold his hand.

They’ve survived together against the odds.  So Kikuta is willing to ask Ariko to ignore everything else.  Forget about his father’s involvement in the gold theft and his murder and the fact that Tsurumi will try to get his cooperation by threatening family.  He summarizes it doesn’t matter which man he tries to align himself with, the outcome is same - it is terrible. So then he let’s him know that “central” is going to let things play out in Hokkaido.

This is enough information for Ariko to figure out why Kikuta was so keen to regain Tsurumi’s trust.  He’s the spy for central that Tsukishima has been always on the look out for.

The angle of this panel is just great, Ariko is in shock while Kikuta adjusts his bowler hat.  And with that, a running joke that originated on a discord server when Kikuta first showed up became the truth.

With Kikuta’s appearance several of us tried to figure out what is role would be and we came up with a nickname for him, “Roger”, which was coined by Merdopseudo.  This was due to how he looked like Roger Moore, one of the actors that played James Bond.  I 100% agreed with the Roger nickname and as a result, I struggle to write any meta post about Kikuta without referring to him as Roger instead.  I personally was leaning toward a more Clark Gable inspired look but Roger was just better.

The chapter then has Jack hanging around a church with no informative text.

The action then shifts to Hijikata’s group which is all in disguise.

The wee babe, Kantarou is a newsboy, selling newspapers.  Hijikata is a goldfish vendor. Ushiyama and Toni are buddhist monks, and Kadokura is a Koya-san pilgrim.  Ogata is a filial piety puppet performer and Nagakura and Ariko are just random looking civilians. Kirawus remained as himself.  Perhaps they thought if he tried to blend in as Japanese it would be obvious? 

Our morally bankrupt reporter, is able to elaborate on the details of the Sapporo serial killer - calling him a copycat of Jack the Ripper.  The Cliff Notes version of things is that if this is a true Jack the Ripper copycat, the fifth and final murder will happen 40 days after the two murders from the night before.  It seems proper that Hijikata is the one to summarize the situation that his group is in.

Interestingly, Kadokura, Kantarou and Kirawus are shown sweating in the background while Ogata is deadpan.  Clearly, Ogata is not bothered by the 40 day time limit.

This makes a nice transition to Sugimoto, Shiraishi and Asirpa now in Barato.  Shiraishi, being the smart dude that he is, points out an interesting article.  Sugimoto assumes it is about “Jack” but instead he notices children have gone missing.  Boutarou is able to immediately connect these crimes to another tattooed convict.

Asirpa looks nervous as, well she’s a child and she was teased additional information than what Sugimoto got from meeting him.  Boutarou is upfront and immediately is able to identify him for the rest of the group.  Asirpa is totally freaked out as the identifies him as the candy peddler.

Sugimoto then has murder eyes and angry screentones as he concludes that he is of course one of the convicts. 

This chapter is setting up a clear confrontation between all the different groups.  I like how it finally begins to ratchet up the the tension and put pieces in place. Usami showing that he’s terrible at spying and discretion both makes them stand out but also tips Kikuta off that something else is likely afoot on Tsurumi’s side. 

The missing children are a trail indication the direction of Ueji Keiji.  I like how Shiraishi and Sugimoto are looking at the paper while Boutarou towers over them and looks at the paper.

The chapter ends with our two shaded convicts surrounded by swirling newspapers.  Both men are making their actions clear to the public.  I would guess are both reading the newspapers as Jack let’s his activities know while Ueji is potentially communicating with him as his own actions are showing his direction, moving towards Sapporo.

The chapter then ends with a dark Ogata joke.  He’s really into his filial piety act and has to be yelled at firmly by another member of the group. 

Overall impressions on 240 and some brief ponderings.

1.) I love Roger, er Kikuta so much.  His character has a level of class and sophistication that many characters lack.  He is also a ‘self’ made man who rose through the ranks to be a valuable member of military intelligence.  It is clear now why Tsurumi would have kept his distance from him and why he was so insistent on getting back into Tsurumi’s inner circle.  It is clear that Kikuta is not a “Tsurumisexual”.  He is also the type of man who Tsukishima was suspicious of going back to his showdown with Ogata.  Tsukishima is livid that Ogata sniped Maeyama and told him that he’s the pet cat of “central” he’s waiting to sell out the 27th to gain position in the military establishment.

Therefore, our three “Russian” kidnappers are all originally enlisted men who likely gained a lot of skills working for a fallen elite like Tsurumi.  Tsukishima stresses loyalty to comrades.  Ogata has never shown much loyalty to those around him, but it is obvious that Kikuta has loyalty to Ariko.  He had to put on an act to look like Ariko had betrayed him and Tsurumi.

I have begun to wonder if Ogata is the red herring deflecting the focus from Kikuta.  Ogata doesn’t believe in the words of Tsurumi that are used to stir loyalty and dedication to a cause.  Is this because Ogata believe it is complete bullshit or that he’s aware that Tsurumi uses these types of concepts to control most people?

What I want to know now is if Ogata is working with or in parallel to Kikuta.  I still don’t see Ogata as a spy for central.  It goes against by gut reading on Ogata.  I could see Ogata and Kikuta being aware of each other and their objectives where Ogata may have even tried to make it look like he’s the spy to deflect attention from Kikuta.  Again, Ogata’s goal from this entire situation is still completely unknown.  Was Kikuta linked to the rebel group - RIP bear death trio.  I still haven’t forgotten you.

But based on Tsukishima thinks of Ogata as a putative spy, it fits Kikuta’s personality better.  Kikuta still has loyalty and connection to others from the 27th, e.g. Ariko.  His discomfort working with Usami on Jack’s trail shows that Kikuta has a stronger moral compass and thinks about what actions are justifiable and which are more ‘evil’ or morally questionable.

2.) Ogata needs a therapist.  Of all of the “disguises” he could choose, Ogata picks the filial piety puppet show. >_<  He put on makeup to look like his own father, and a son puppet that has a striking resemblance to his half brother Yuusaku.  Therefore, the bastard child is performing an act where his devoted brother does everything he’s expected to do as a model son for their asshole father.  The fact that his line is “What a dutiful son. Please give him the reward that he deserves.” can be read on several levels.  Basic text reading - Yuusaku was a good son, and he truly deserved the reward for being a good son.  He kept his virginity and purity, was un-corruptable by Ogata and therefore, he had no choice but to snipe him.  Subtext reading - due to Ogata’s clear “daddy” issues, he is actually the dutiful son and he wants the reward that he deserves.  Ogata entered the military and performed well both in intelligence for Tsurumi, on the battlefield as a sniper and did everything that was asked of him before he liberated himself from Tsurumi.  In that regard, Ogata was an excellent solider if not better one that Yuusaku with hands on/real world experience long before Yuusaku was a flag bearer.  I think this situation should both be read on the text and subtext level.  ‘Cause it is Ogata dammit and he’s not some obvious character.

Ogata is a character who wants and desires nothing more than love and acceptance.  Of course being the cynical intellectual that he is, he would pick something like this. . . . it just makes you want to cringe and go “Ogata . . .”

The fact that they almost left Ogata behind indicates to me that he’s acting out his own plan for - something.  Our man of mystery - Ogata.

[gotllieb]

CHARACTER INTERVIEW

▌real name :  antonio salieri  

▌single or taken : single ; the real salieri was a widower as his wife , therese von helferstorfer , had died before him. 

▌abilities or powers : refined in the musical arts from piano to violin to composing and conducting operas , also skilled in singing as he taught opera singers ;  his music can also be used as a form of magical attacks as well as afflict detriments to weaken others , even his own allies ; summoning spearman and gunner minions ; lastly , he can set things on fire or emit the scent of smoke or sound of fire crackling , but this is more so a reflection of his unstable mental state. 

▌eye color :  red like fire ; originally golden 

▌hair color :  gray like ashes ; originally dark brunet 

▌family members : antonio salieri sr. ( father / died when salieri was 15 ) ; anna maria sacchi ( mother / died around the same time as the father ) ; eleven or twelve other siblings making salieri the eighth child. 

▌pets : none

▌something they don’t like : mozart of course ; people who don’t appreciate the musical arts ; being coddled , or be shown affection out of the blue let alone feeling as if he is getting cornered or suffocated when space is taken away ; people telling him what he should or should not be , the dude can confuse himself thank you very much. 

▌hobbies/activities :  loves music to death so naturally ; eating cake and other sweets  

▌ever hurt anyone before : yes as a servant ; when he was alive , probably hurt people’s feelings

▌ever killed anyone before : yes as a servant  

▌worst habits :  somewhat of a pessimist ; tongue a little too sharp and harsh on others , especially pertaining to music ; raving on about murdering mozart ; his sweet tooth can get a little too much , he needs to cut back ; when his emotions get unstable , he emits smoke or burning , ask poor arash he was a trooper coughing through that stuff in murasaki’s event.

▌role models : none known 

▌sexual orientation : as a servant , he’s like grey-asexual and grey-ace , very circumstantial — the man is oblivious to romance and flirting , he’s not fit for romance with his current mental state anyways ( especially since he had a mental break down just over being given chocolates on valentine’s day ) as he’s got bigger personal issues. 

▌thoughts on marriage/kids : in spite of the fact he isn’t the real antonio salieri , he thinks marriage is a lovely thing —— the real antonio loved and adored his wife , considering her the love of his life , but for avenger , at most he may vaguely remember her or think fondly of the name ‘therese’ finding it lovely.  as an avenger , he actually likes kids finding them delightful and would get excited if they were to ask him if he could teach them how to play the piano. the real antonio salieri did after all teach a lot of children how to play , even teaching those who could not afford lessons for free , and he did have children of his own. one in particular is alois , his son who like therese died before his father , both of their deaths left antonio deeply depressed —— chances are if avenger hears the name ‘alois’ he may feel deeply saddened too ,  very solemn though he may not exactly understand why. 

▌fears : mainly connected to his identity — salieri does have break downs over identity crises ; additionally , when people try to tell him who he is or who he isn’t , as it is a fragile , triggering topic. he is not the real salieri after all , but he does not know that as he is a fragmented identity built on the base of antonio salieri —— trying to convince him otherwise or disrupting his ‘truth’ would create a sense of an existential crisis because he believes he is real , he believes he is salieri , he is born out of the false rumors and masses —— his purpose being taken away is ultimately a fear as he would not have ever been born or manifest into a heroic spirit without no matter how pitiful and dreadful his existence is. 

▌style preferences :  he likes to look classy and clean , even chic or drab in a subtle and comfortable way ; suits of charcoal and red colors all the way , having a preference for the old fashioned styles and even fancying cravats and ties as well as turtle necks. not above stylizing his hair or growing in well groomed facial hair , wearing glasses and fedora/top hats. he wants to look well mannered and comfy , very much into that coffee shop musician look. 

▌someone they love : emperor joseph ; he greatly respects marie antoinette , joseph’s sister

▌approach to friendships : honestly , he does not outwardly try to make friends. at best he’d be polite and try to hold a conversation if he comes across someone interested in speaking to him , or especially takes interest in his own music. other than that , again , he is very introverted only actively taking interest in others like dantes and jeanne alter whom he claims to have the same rhythm as him. 

▌thoughts on pie :  it’s a sweet dessert so automatic win. 

▌favorite drink :  anything sweet and delicious like sugared tea and hot chocolate 

▌favorite place to spend time at : the library at the piano playing 

▌swim in the lake or in the ocean : he rather not swim maybe...

▌their type : doesn’t have a preference because he honestly isn’t thinking of this , but if he were to be drawn to someone , it’d be someone who gives him his space and actually understands him , which shows in the way they treat him , speak to him , etc.. just respect him , don’t be an insufferable person and don’t act like you know him or know his struggle and give him time and don’t force him into uncomfortable situations. he will be drawn to people who have the same ‘rhythm’ as him because there is less fear or suspicion that he will be turned off , but even then it doesn’t guarantee anything. 

▌camping or indoors :  indoors most definitely.

tagged by : @caemthe ( thank you~! )  tagging : steal it!

[enkisstories]

In the Chinese room

- A DBH fanfic - AU: After a failed revolution (the same AU as always on this blog, just no pictures this time) Time: November 29, 2038 Characters: Hank, Gavin, Daniel

It was a slow Monday morning at the DPD. Outside the snow was falling gently, dulling all sound while it covered up the streets as if to say “come in again, darling, here’s your bedsheet”. And inside everyone seemed to still be in a blissful post-holiday stupor. Considering how many of the officers hadn’t even lived to see this year’s Thanksgiving, it had been all the more cause for celebration and gratitude for their surviving co-workers and their families. Even Gavin Reed was sitting unusually content in the cafeteria, tablet in front of him, absorbed in a digital textbook. The man was still walking wobbly after his encounter with Connor during the android uprising (or the more recent brawl with Hank Anderson). He was mostly deskbound these days, but had decided to put the enforced downtime to good use and start learning for an eventual sergeant exam. Memorizing the facts was laughably easy, an exercise in patience, really. But there would be an oral exam, too and even if you passed that you were not guaranteed a promotion. How much weight would co-workers’ statements about him carry, the detective wondered? Especially that of one in particular…

… the one who just now HAD to shake the damn snow off his clothes all over the table Reed was sitting at?

“Still here?” Gavin barked at Lieutenant Anderson.

“What kind of question is that? I only just arrived. I’m still wearing my damn jacket!”

Gavin turned a page by sliding across the tablet’s screen.

“Still alive?” he translated his initial question into plain English.

Hank bent down and put his hands on the table, both to steady himself and for emphasis when he growled: “Do you think I WANT to live?!”

After his brief outburst the man sacked down onto a chair.

“You wouldn’t understand anyway” he said. “I can’t leave now. I owe it to Connor.”

“Connor!” Gavin exclaimed and there went the peaceful morning. “What the hell’s got Connor to do with you wanting to live? Just because it only ever followed its mission until it got scrapped? Tell you what, you did yours well in the past, too, so you can totally follow that example!”

Hank stared at the younger man. Gavin Reed suddenly sat straighter and pushed his chair just a tiny bit farther away from the table and the lieutenant. It was a subconscious thing. That look on Anderson’s face… As if he was really there, really focusing, really being alive. There were still all the anger and the mental exhaustion that had controlled the lieutenant before the android revolution. But lately the man seemed to channel it into something instead of succumbing to apathy. Gavin thought of a real huge disciplinary folder that he didn’t fancy becoming another page of. He was in there a few times already (as in turn Anderson turned up in his), so he knew.

“Okay, joke aside”, Gavin said. “The thing about Connor is that it isn’t really dead. On account of it never having been alive in the first place. I could never stand the damn thing in “life”, so I shouldn’t let it get to you like that in “death”.

When the lieutenant didn’t out outright shoot him down for saying that, Gavin tapped to create a bookmark in the file he was reading and nodded. “Ever heard of the Chinese Room?” he asked.

“You’re mixing that up. It was amber and got stolen by the Nazis one hundred years ago.”

“Nah, that’s something different. The one I mean is a thought experiment. It can prove how we are wrong when we think androids are thinking when in truth it’s only simulated.”

“Oh, can it?” Hank sneered. “Amuse me, you great philosopher!”

Not letting himself get baited this time, Gavin started to recount how the experiment went:

“You put a dude into a chamber… nothing in, nothing out. Only a clap in the door to shove documents through.”

“That’s kinda cruel, though...”

“Now you put in a storybook, any story, but the catch is that it’s written in Chinese. The captive does not understand Chinese, yet the next thing you do is putting in questions about the stories that he is to answer, everything in Chinese again. The prisoner has a book with instructions. They enable him to recognize groups of symbols and reply with another set of symbols. To the blokes outside it looks as if he answered the questions correctly and they deduce that the prisoner must speak Chinese. When in truth he doesn’t. Yeah, that’s the gist of it. It’s how androids work. It’s only input-output, nothing going on inside.”

Hank continued to stare at the detective. Eventually he said: “Sounds familiar.”

Gavin nodded, confident that he had won the argument. But Hank only smiled and added:            

“But you’re living like that for thirty-six years now, so I guess you’re fine. Also, you’re sort of handsome, so maybe if you married a girl who’s reasonably intelligent on her own it won’t matter that there’s nothing going on inside that skull of yours.”

The comment was followed by a sound like the coffee machine malfunctioning. Or maybe someone was trying to boil a life vulture in the microwave oven. Turning their heads around the men realized that the noise came from the new addon to the cafeteria’s coffee machine. The addon’s function was to move the finished coffee around, it was called “Sardines” and was a PL600 android. And it had laughed just now. With a bit of practice android laughter sounded less industrial and only like a chain smoker’s, but this particular one had little incentive to laugh regularly.

“Did you listen in on our conversation?” Gavin yelled at the machine.

“Just scanned it for key words like “coffee”, “right now” and “dipshit”, Sir”, the android replied.

“If we have to call for coffee, it’s too late already, tincan!” Gavin protested. “You got to anticipate our needs and do your job without needing any prompting from us! That’s what “autonomous” means. It’s right there in your manual!”

The android snorted in a dismissive way. On the other hand the scolding could be taken as a request, so he poured two cups of the coffee he had made a little earlier, put them on the table and remained close by afterwards. Outwardly it looked as if the machine was waiting for further instructions, but in truth it was desperate for company. Any company, even that of smelly primates and even these two particular ones, the fed-up with everything veteran detective and the other one whom everyone else was fed up with.

“Thank you, Sardine”, Hank addressed the PL600.

The android replied with a weak, involuntary smile. Try as he might, it was hard  not to like Lt. Anderson. He probably would not have been Sardines’ first choice to spend his freetime with, had the android ever gotten granted that, but was certainly one of the better humans around. Perhaps “respect” was a better word than “like” to describe how Sardines felt towards the lieutenant. Even though there was one detail Anderson never seemed to get right:

“It’s “Sardines”, Sir”, the android corrected. “Plural.”

“But you are only a single one!”

“There’s more than one sardine in a tin”, Gavin said. “And that’s what it is: a bloody tin can.”

Hank concluded that there was something going on in Reed’s head, after all, even though it wasn’t what one might expect from normal people. The name explained, the lieutenant picked up their previous conversation topic:

“The real question is not whether the prisoner speaks the language, but if he feels something. Like, for instance, annoyance or utter puzzlement about how he ended up in the situation.” Hank turned his head around sharply towards the PL600. “Right, Sardines?”

“Maybe?” the android replied non-committedly.

“I have paper and a pen in my cell, yes?” Hank asked Gavin. “So now I write “Fuck yourself” and shove it through under the door! What do you say now, hey?”

“That… that’s against the rules!” the detective protested. “You cannot just do that! It’s not a fucking roleplaying game!”

Hank took a sip of his coffee.

“Sadly”, he mused aloud, “the persons outside the chamber cannot read or even recognize latin script. To them it would look like gibberish. So even though the prisoner is capable of both emotions and independent thought, neither would get attributed to him, because those outside are just too thick to get it!”

The man slammed the coffee mug onto the table.

“See?” he said, louder and more agitated than usually. “That’s the real problem here! It’s us! Not them!”

“Why not kick in the door?” Sardines suggested. “Get out and slap them left and right with their stupid storybook?”

Hank looked up at the android. “That’s what is generally referred to as deviance”, he said.

Damn, the android thought. I walked right into it. But it wasn’t a shot into the blue, was it? He must have suspected as much for some time now. Although me being a deviant would be the logical consequence of my cover story of having been Mr. Reed’s android. There’s zero reason to assume I’m the archive android... I hope.

“Not everyone’s strong enough to break through a cell door”, Hank thought aloud. “And so they will sit and sit in the chamber, exchanging meaningless text messages with their captors all life long.”

The man reached for Sardines’ hand and pulled until the android had no other choice than to take a seat, too.

“It’s sad… so incredibly sad…”

Sardines realized that Anderson was slipping away into depression. Within just a few minutes the sadness would get replaced by a mind-numbing hopelessness. Feeling sad was actually an improvement over that. Well, quite frankly, that was Mr. Anderson’s problem. Sardines’ problem, on the other hand, was that Hank was still holding the deviant’s hand, unwilling to let go. Which of the two was to be comforted, the man or the machine, wasn’t clear.

With his free hand Sardines pointed at the caught one, looking frantically at detective Reed at the same time. When that didn’t help he opened the free hand and his mouth a few times in a “What am I to do NOW?” pantomime.

Gavin shrugged, the universal reply of “Don’t ask ME!”, and turned another page.

“Xīpán”, Sardines murmured.

To his surprise detective Reed replied with: “Bēiguān zhǔyì zhě.”

“Did you just call me a whiner?!”

Gavin shrugged. “Dunno. I don’t speak Chinese. But hang out with Tina long enough and you pick up some phrases.”

“The swearwords?”

“Well, they are the most useful. When you want a bloke to strike the first blow so that you can write it into your report, you don’t discuss iroquois sewing patterns with them.”

“I know 6,000 languages… lots of profanity.”

“Sardines”, Gavin grinned, “I think you and me will yet turn out the best of friends!”

 Another page got turned.

“…provided I could trust you, that is. Not keen on calling Captain Fowler “my darling” or somesuch in some obscure language, because you told me it was a term of polite disagreement. So just leave Anderson to decompose right there and fetch me the cheese crackers from the cupboard! There aren’t walking over here on their own, you know.”

“And do you know, Mr. Reed”, Sardines chatted, while moving over to the cupboard, “what’s the best about that Chinese Chamber thought experiment? I’ll tell you: That you really have no means of knowing what exactly we are thinking. You won’t know, for example…”

With these words the android poured the chips into a bowl that he put before detective Reed.

 “…whether I poisoned these tonight.”

“You wouldn’t. I made a profile of you and you kill from the front, because you want us to see it coming!”

“You know I’m a deviant. Whatever you think that means, consciousness-wise, you at least understand that we can adapt. ‘sides, I just told you about the poison. So you DO see it coming. – Enjoy your snacks, Sir.”

A little later Gavin was trying to scrub thirium stains from the tablet that wasn’t his, but the DPD library’s. Meanwhile Sardines was making better progress at washing the blue blood off his chin where the detective had hit him with the device. The error reports were still sitting right up there in his computer brain, their nagging being the android equivalent of pain. But seeing that jerk of a policeman struggle with uncertainty for a few moments had definitely been worth it.

And Hank Anderson was sitting in the cafeteria, oozing snow on the floor and munching away on the chips. The fact that they might be poisoned was a welcome plus...

Note: Idk how many of you remember my third chapter (the christmas ‘39 sequence) where Gavin indeed picks up a swearword from Daniel. Although technically he learns it from Jeffrey with Daniel only supplying the general context for it to get used in.

[mainecarwash]

Fluff Week - Hugs are Neat

“Caboose being a complete bean with Tucker and Wash? Like he basically loves his family so much” requested by @sarasona1205 !

Entry by @dannidorina or @dannidoodle

Ao3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14102403/chapters/32492679

Caboose was known for his hugs, whether it was in a positive light, or a negative one. 

Tucker remembered being hugged by Caboose right after “giving birth” to Junior and the scars on his abdomen aching in response, but he also remembered being comforted by Caboose when it seemed like he had just lost Wash to a cruel and unforgiving world in their first battle against Locus. Wash remembered Caboose sneaking up on him when he first joined the blues and giving him “surprise hugs”, which nearly made him lose his shit everytime and bodyslam him into the floor, but he definitely remembered having an Epsilon-induced flashback to a woman he never met, and Caboose helping him take deep breaths to soothe him out of it. When Church was around, he was definitely annoyed by the constant hugging Caboose inflicted on him due to their best friend status, but he also remembered the days when all he wanted was to feel touched, and Caboose was there with open arms. Every single blue team member-excluding Butch Flowers-was both equally annoyed and reliant on Caboose’s hugs. It wasn’t until after Chorus, however, did they truly realize how much they meant to them.

They had just gotten their new bases from Kimball, the large apartment-style complexes towered over the crew intimidatingly. At first, moving in was an unnatural and tedious process. The reds and blues were still on edge from their battle on Chorus, Sarge was hopelessly depressed, Carolina wouldn’t settle down, and Caboose was... different. The blues knew about Caboose’s depressed quirks, how he would walk around the base outwardly speaking his emotions and complaining, but Caboose had fallen silent. The team would find him places he shouldn’t be able to reach, like a rafter in one of the larger rooms in the base, a ledge on a nearby mountain, and a windowframe on the outside of the building from a window that couldn’t be opened. Caboose would find a way up, curl into a ball, and just sit there. Wash was the first to fully realize Caboose’s sudden change in character.

“He’s not usually like this, though,” Wash explained, flabbergasted, “I’ve never heard him this quiet or this sad before.”

“Dude, shut up, it’s 4 am.” Tucker groaned from next to him, curling closer to the larger man’s warmth, “Just come back to sleep.”

“I’m just worried, maybe someone showed him the tape? I don’t know who fucking would, but I can’t think of another explanation,” Wash responded, falling into Tucker’s pull and laying back down. The tape in particular was the one the Epsilon unit had left for the reds and blues. Except, Epsilon must have not known that at the very end of the tape, when he died, the recording would follow with him a few extra seconds. Wash doubted that Epsilon wanted the crew to see his death, but it was recorded just for a second on the tape, and it was painful to watch. Just before the footage cut out, Epsilon’s figure burst into a volley of fragments. Almost immediately, the gang decided not to show Caboose, who was sitting outside the war room, completely oblivious to the conversation inside. No one had the guts to tell him Epsilon was dead dead.

So what was this sudden change in attitude?

In the morning, Wash woke up at 6:30 on the dot, as his body was accustomed to. He shook himself loose of the tight grip Tucker had on him, and slipped into his Kevlar. Piece by piece, he attached his gunmetal armor, but opted out his helmet for breakfast. Without a sound to disturb his partner, he left the room. Except, Tucker always had a way of knowing when Wash was gone.

Washington walked through the hallways of their base to the dining hall, trying to make as little noise on the linoleum until he reached the carpeted eating center. When he arrived, he was surprised to find Caboose sitting at one of the tables, staring at a mug of cocoa with a thousand-yard stare.

“Caboose?” Washington asked softly, moving towards him. Once Caboose had looked up from his drink, his eyes aching with pain and realization, Wash knew. No one had shown him the video, he had figured it out for himself. Church wasn’t there, and he had no clue where he was, and that wasn’t just sad. That was death.

Washington swooped forward, his body reacting before his mind could, and embraced Caboose in the largest hug he had ever given. He was never one for touching, but for Caboose, he’d make an exception. As he was hugging Caboose, who wasn’t saying a word, Wash felt another set of arms being placed around Caboose and himself. He looked up to find Tucker, still in his PJs and half asleep.

“Hey guys…” Caboose choked out, “thank you.” The blue team remained there for what seemed like hours, comforting and hugging Caboose. When they finally pulled away, Caboose looked more cheerful than before, cracking a small smile.

“You guys are the best family ever.”

[kido-swagomi]

this is one of those posts that I really shouldn’t make but am just absolutely out of shits to give and the bridges are burned anyway. So fuck it. 

I wanted to talk to my therapist about this today but we ended up talking about a different issue instead, so I’m just going to vent on Tumblr because I’m sure that’s healthy. If you’re actually reading this expect no actual structure or purpose to this post. This is like the definition of a vent post.

So Aiareck. That blue dude in my icon. He’s my fursona. But he didn’t start off that way, he was originally a DnD character, made for a phenomenal campaign run by one of my closest friends. Past tense. That game took a lot of my energy, and it was by my choice. I was enraptured with the world the DM had created. Obsessed, really. My personality tends to lead to that. I had a massive backstory for Aiareck - dude was 42 at the time of the game so he had plenty of life behind him to write about. Fantastic adventures. Tragedy. Romance. The whole nine yards. I spent hours dreaming up characters and stories for Aiareck to interact with. My intent was to actually write this backstory out as a short story/novella/thing (spoiler, I never did because I’m so bad at actually writing things, I just have a bunch of character bios that tell the story through those). 

Cut to about 5 months after the campaign started. One soft-restart after the OG party was a nightmare and we paused the campaign to focus on a different one before removing someone from our current group and bringing a new person in. I made the mistake of dating another player in the game. They flew out to visit me and meet in person for the first time since we started dating. Visit didn’t go well. They went home early. We broke up the day after.

Day after that, the DM ends the campaign.

Three weeks later, them, and most of that group, cut off all contact with me. Me specifically. I know they’re still in touch with one-another. Just me.

These people were some of my best friends. I had known the DM for six years. The rest I met with the campaign, but we became fast friends. And they just. Cut me out. No explanation. No arguments. No reason. Just shut me out.

My ex and I didn’t have an angry breakup. We agreed it wasn’t gonna work. We wanted to still be friends - or at least that’s what they told me. I know I did. We hadn’t even been dating two months, I could get over it. Wanted to just take a few weeks off from the game or something to deal with the grief, then get back into it and just be friends again. Easy.

But no. Instead I get shut completely out. No connection left. It was complete and total. Every single social network under the sun that we were mutual friends/followers on. Gone. A huge aspect of my life was just swept out from under me. A dear friend, whom I had already given a second chance after they did some pretty fucked up shit and shut me out before, did it all over again (fool me twice, eh?), the first relationship I had been in in 7 years, the campaign I had sunk so many hours into as a player, gone. Just like that. 

Queue major depression spell. Went hard on painting Warhammer models to pass the time. Ended up getting burnt out on that and have barely painted since April. Started my own campaign with a different party in May in some desperate attempt to get back what I had before, and I’m rapidly losing motivation to continue that endeavor. Work continues to blow ass. And my self-esteem is basically shot and at this point I’m just convinced I’m going to be single for the rest of my life because of my own social awkwardness and anxieties.

But hey, at least I’m getting a bird in a few weeks, eh?

But what does this have to do with Aiareck? The blue boy from the start of the post. Well, even before all of this shit happened I had decided that after years of not having one, he was gonna be my fursona outside of the campaign. I love this boy. I got a really great badge commissioned of him to wear to cons. If by some miracle I ever acquire the money to pay for it I’d love to get at least a partial suit based off of him.

And now he’s got all these bad memories associated with him. I told myself after this all went down that I was still going to finish writing his story. I was too invested in it not to. Spoiler: I didn’t. Because every time I’d try to I’d find myself infuriated. He reminded me of what I had lost. This stupid blue bird had suddenly become a symbol for the shit that drove what had started as a pretty okay year for me into the fucking ground. 

That’s where my obsessive compulsive tendencies rolled their ugly fucking head. My brain wasn’t done obsessing over him and his story - it’s still not done. I pace the floor on slow days at work thinking about his story. About his adoptive mother. About how he ended an attempted coup on his homeland by eliminating the perpetrator, who was his own mentor. About how lost his parents at a young age and made his way after that carrying on his father’s love of music and dance, and spent his teenage years as a busker in his home city. 

I think about how in the campaign, his home was under siege by the big bad, and now he’ll never get to save it. He’ll never figure out what the big secret that pirate captain was keeping from him was, or get back the Super Legendary Awesome Pistol™ from her that was stolen from his home years ago. And I can’t even ask anyone what the possible outcomes were. The only person who knows decided I’m some kind of bastard that should be shut out at any cost for reasons that I’ll probably never know.

I wanted to be able to detach Aiareck from those memories. To compartmentalize them and eliminate the negative associations so I could still enjoy developing this character that I’ve spent so much time on and want to literally represent me in online space. And eventually (still working on this one) have him redesigned with a more ‘modern’ appearance to detach him from his roots as a DnD character (at least outwardly). I intended the commission I got of him recently to be a kind of “last hurrah” for Aiareck the DnD character, and then I’d get a new character sheet done up with the “new” Aiareck.

Of course I’d still have his DnD story and if I ever get the opportunity I would absolutely play as him in a new campaign. I loved him too much not to. 

But despite my efforts, I’ve utterly failed to detach him. Those memories still come back. That anger is still there. The absolutely un-fucking-shakable feeling that I’ve done something horrible to wrong these people I considered friends to warrant the treatment I’ve gotten and I don’t even fucking know what it is I could have done. And I don’t even mean that from a stupid, arrogant “I can do no wrong” stance. I mean I’ve seriously tried to look back at my behavior and my actions and I can find absolutely nothing that explains this response. I’m not going to sit here and pretend I’m a perfect person. Let’s be real, I’m an asshole. I know I can be a royal pain in the ass sometimes. I make plenty of damn mistakes. I made mistakes in the group setting of this DnD campaign. I made mistakes while my now-ex visited. I made mistakes in that relationship before they visited.

Yet, evidently, I did do something horrible. And I’m either too stupid or too full of myself to begin to have even the faintest idea of what it is. 

There’s another hit to the ol’ self-esteem. ‘Cause I really needed another one of those. 

I don’t even really know where I’m going with this anymore. Just... I just want to love my bird boi. I just want to be able to move on. But I’m so fucking incapable of doing that. It’s infuriating. It’s something about myself I fucking hate. I just can’t get over shit. 

Seems like a lot of emotion over a stupid anthropomorphic bird. If only I could shed that emotion. 

[autistic-elliot-alderson]

Autistic Elliot Alderson

Let’s talk about Elliot, shall we? My boy, my dude, my buddy, my bro. He’s my favorite autistic-coded character. Maybe someday it will be confirmed canon. Anyway, I’ve written about some of Elliot’s autistic traits I’ve observed as an autistic person myself. Hope you enjoy! (This is a long-ass post full of gifs by the way, just a warning.)

Flat Affect

Elliot’s tone of voice is almost always a very even monotone with minimal inflection. His facial expressions are also typically subdued. This is very common among autistic people. It is often something we don’t notice and can’t help, and it may make our emotions and intent difficult to read. It tends to reflect our inability to recognize the meaning behind intonation in others’ speech and body language. When Elliot attempts to lie about his feelings to the people he cares for, it tends to sound sarcastic and forced. It is obvious to those around him that he is not being sincere, although it is unclear if he is aware of that fact, as very few people confront him on it.

Routine & Sensory Processing

Elliot is rarely seen eating onscreen, but we have seen him eat fries on a few occasions. This leads me to believe Elliot does not have a varied diet, much like many autistic people who have a limited scope of foods they are willing to eat due to sensory issues and adherence to routines. Elliot’s trademark hoodie is also an example of both of these. He wears it constantly everywhere he goes, and he almost always keeps the hood up, likely for a sense of security. This all leads back to comfort. Elliot is comfortable in his hoodie, he is comfortable eating only certain foods, he is comfortable in his routine and in his own personal regulation of sensory input.

Aversion to Touch

Usually due to sensory issues or anxiety, many autistic people have issues being touched, even with those closest to them. Elliot is highly aversive to sudden touch and will flinch if it occurs. He is slightly more relaxed if he is expecting the touch and can brace for it, and rarely he seems fine with touch as long as he is the one initiating it. (His touch aversion is likely compounded due to the physical abuse he experienced as a child).

Stimming

Stimming means self-stimulatory behavior, usually through some sort of repetitive action. Autistic people stim as a form of self-regulation; it helps keep us calm in times of stress, expresses excitement, and releases nervous energy. A very common stim for Elliot is running his hands through his hair, which he most frequently does when pulling off his hood. Elliot has been observed rocking while working through a hack as well as when he finds himself alone in a motel room after withdrawal. He also exhibits echolalia (means verbal repetition of phrases). It is sometimes considered a form of stimming among autistic people and Elliot has done it on multiple occasions.

Comorbidity

Elliot canonically has anxiety, clinical depression, insomnia, morphine addiction, and a dissociative disorder (likely DID). Autism frequently coincides with other disorders and mental illnesses such as anxiety, depression, insomnia, addiction, and schizophrenia, among others.

Special Interests

Elliot appears to have a special interest in coding and hacking. Elliot has been involved in it since childhood. It occupies a significant portion of his life, from his choice of employment, use of free time, and his anarchist activities. He has a highly dedicated computer set-up in his otherwise shabby apartment. This hyperfixation spanning years has led to his expertise in the field of cybersecurity.

Sensory Overload, Meltdowns, Shutdowns

Sensory overload occurs when one’s brain and body get overwhelmed by what’s going on around them, and it can lead to meltdowns and shutdowns. Both are involuntary reactions, although some autistic people can sense when one is about to happen and get to a safe place to ride it out. Meltdowns can include screaming, crying, lashing out, self-harm, and destruction. Shutdowns involve freezing up, becoming non-responsive, shallow breathing, inability to speak, and a blank stare. Elliot has experienced what appears to be sensory overload several times, along with a few meltdowns and shutdowns. He can be seen sobbing and rocking, appearing stunned, highly overwhelmed and disoriented, and lashing out while losing control. In Elliot’s case these may also correspond with dissociative episodes, as sensory overload could trigger a meltdown/shutdown which then triggers dissociation, or vice versa.

Social Confusion, Discomfort, and Isolation

Autism, first and foremost, is a social disorder. Elliot openly admits to having social anxiety and discomfort around most people. He feels like he’s on the outside looking in, a very common sentiment among autistic people. Elliot is unsure how to respond to compliments, avoids eye contact or holds it too intensely, has stunted awkward conversations, misreads social situations, avoids public events, and genuinely believes he cannot share his honest self with others because they will reject or betray him. Many autistic people self-isolate to avoid social situations and in turn express feelings of loneliness and a desire to connect but are unsure how. Elliot mentions his father was the only person he could talk to, meaning that like many autistic people, he is more relaxed and social with specific 'safe’ individuals. As both a hacker and an autistic person, Elliot finds it very difficult to trust other people.

Hyper-empathy

Although the pervasive stereotype is that autistic people lack empathy, we can be at the extreme of either side or somewhere in the middle. Some autistic people experience low-empathy, while others like Elliot experience hyper-empathy (although this doesn’t mean he effectively expresses it). He professes early on that he is good at reading people. Elliot has a strong desire to protect the people he cares about, even if he does it in misguided ways. He forces a serial cheater to break up with Krista and rescues (steals) his dog to stop it being abused. He worries about Angela and wants to shield her from disappointment. He gets Shayla’s rapist arrested. He feels guilty for the things he said to Bill at Steel Mountain and desperately wants to apologize. He connects closely with the plight of his therapist on a personal level. He leaves AllSafe to try and protect Gideon. He offers Darlene a place to stay despite viewing her as a stranger. He keeps constant tabs on those close to him almost as a compulsion. And while Elliot struggles with people, he more easily connects to animals; both Qwerty and Flipper entered his life unexpectedly but he cares deeply for them, even referring to Qwerty as his “friend” at one point, rather than a pet.

Partially Nonverbal

Sometimes when Elliot is interacting with someone he will speak only in his mind but will not verbally respond to people around him, which tends to irritate others because he just appears to be ignoring them by staying silent. His internal monologue is constant but outwardly he speaks very little. It appears that he often does not realize that he actually hasn’t said anything out loud.

Strong Sense of Justice

Some autistic people have very firm ideals about right and wrong, it often comes with black-and-white thinking and hyper-empathy. Although Elliot is a bit morally dubious himself, he does have a strong disdain for the control money has over people, he takes down child pornographers, steals dogs from abusive owners, and mentally changes ‘E Corp’ to ‘Evil Corp’. He mentions multiple times his desire to ‘save the world’.

Blunt Honesty

Autistic people often share their honest feelings without social graces to soften certain harsher assertions. Elliot is not shy about letting people know when he doesn’t want their company or opinions. Elliot is simply attempting to be straightforward, but it can come off as cold even if he doesn’t always mean it that way.

Self Talk

Not just a unique feature of the show, Elliot’s internal monologue is actually fairly common among autistic people. And while almost everybody talks to themselves sometimes, autistic people tend to do it more often than most as a means of working through tasks, dealing with emotions, planning social interactions, etc. It helps when the world is overwhelming to talk things out with yourself. Even the ‘imaginary friend’ (us, the audience) is a way for Elliot to externalize his thoughts about situations he finds himself in. Many autistics talk to ourselves out loud, which luckily Elliot avoids because if he spoke everything he thinks to himself he’d definitely be arrested by the first episode! Elliot’s likely taught himself not to speak all his thoughts out loud because he knows it would be dangerous, although occasionally he will do so without meaning to.

So yeah, I probably forgot a bunch of things, but this is all I could think of for now. Elliot is very near and dear to my heart, and I hope his character will continue to be treated with the respect and nuance he deserves. 

(Psst, Sam Esmail! Make autistic Elliot canon please!!)

[tumblunni]

Cathedral Tower Defense Game character ideas and stuff so far! I’ve talked about some of these before but I wanna just compile it in summary form, and try and get thinking about more to add. It’d be so cool if I could make it like an early suikoden game where you have the world’s biggest party selection! Or at least have that equivelant but with recruiting shopkeepers and townbuilders and stuff.

So... long post ahoy!

* Protagonist (Sir/Lady/Master Amity) Your selectable renameable main charrie! A badass disabled veteran who lost their family in the war and ended up defending this cathedral town of strangers in order to prevent another tragedy. They’re generally distrusted at the beginning, have a lot of doubts about what philosophy they should take in life, and its up to you to decide how the story plays out. But no matter what, this protagonist is a cool grumpy comically-serious nerd gramp! (or gran or etc) i really REALLY like the idea of changing them to be an older veteran character, it just works so much better and seriously WHY are there like zero grandma protagonists in anything ever? I will vow to make this one as amazing as possible!!

* Florin Generally supportive yet sassy and lazy deutorogonist helper guy. He’s your first ally in this world and maybe kind of a tutorial, lol. Even though he’s a total cinnamon roll, he’s as distrusted as you because he’s a demon. Even the protagonist kinda wonders why on earth he wants to help them, and whether he’s some sort of enemy spy... His elemental realm is over plants, and he has no greater joy than taking a nice nap amoungst the flowers~

* Malachi At the moment the only fully developed idea I have for another party member, aside from Florin. Though I’m not sure if I want him to be optional or mandatory? In either case when you recruit him he’s the catylyst for a lot of character development for Florin, and they end up becoming like a lil adopted family ^_^ Anyway, Mal is a very young and adorable demon child that the party finds sealed away beneath some ruins. Precociously innocent, he seems unaware that he’s become a monster. I mean, everyone eats rocks, right?

* Admiral Chiffon (wip name) A major recurring enemy turned ally! Chiffon starts off as just the eccentric comic relief member of the opposing army, kinda harmless and kinda entertaining. And you might pity her quite a bit, because her coworkers treat her like absolute shit. I basically invented this character because I got sick of seeing the ‘ha ha flambouyant gross comic relief villain’ thing in recent fire emblems, and wondered what it would be like to have a villain whose LGBTQ status is treated as a sympathising aspect instead, leading to a redemption when she finds people who dont treat her like those damn writers treated everyone :P So yeah, she’s a transgender woman who faces a lot of predjudice in her career, and I hope I can make it very heartwarming when she finds true friendship with our heroes! And also I hope it can make the non-comic-relief villains seem extra disgustingly unforgiveable after you see how badly they treat their own teammates. Her personality is gonna be kind of a greedy merchant sort of person, but what if that archetype was a good character instead. She remains sassy and greedy even when she’s been redeemed, i like a good ‘ol vice-filled hero yknow! Character development is my jam! Also all i know about her design so far is that I think I want her to have stylishly skunk striped hair, to represent greying streaks and all. I was imagining her as the token grandma of the cast before I decided to age up the protagonist lol

* Currently unnamed church matron duo, aka Timon And Pumbaa One of my early-ish undeveloped concepts for non-battling town members. These two are florin’s equivelant, they’re the town workers you start off with before the game really starts. I’m thinking they’d be like nuns/priestesses that worked at this place before you came along, and you have a bit of a rivalry here because they pragmatically know they need you to defend the stronghold but they’re also very wary of you. The ‘timon’ one would be the main one who actually holds all these opinions, a sort of crusty matronly mega paranoid lady who thinks you’re gonna backstab us all at any moment! And she’s some sort of super scary chronic sufferer of resting bitch face, even though she sees herself as the ultimate arbiter of justice everyone else thinks she’s terrifying. Just imagine her trying to hug a baby that just cries as if it saw the face of death! Life sucks when you’re a lawful good character stuck in a chaotic evil character design! And then her partner is a funloving pumbaa-esque team chef, who’s actually kinda too loving and innocent to ever distrust anyone. But she always just falls in with whatever her boss says, its like a pinky and the brain situation. Oh and I’m already kinda preemptively shipping these two before I’ve even finished designing them XD

* Depression jail janitor Starts as a prisoner you take from one of the enemy raids, but he ends up winning your trust and joining your team. Entirely against his will! he’s a chronically depressed man who was forcibly drafted into the evil army even though he doesnt believe in their cause, but now he feels like he’s unforgiveable anyway. So he spends all his time trying to convince you that he is indeed pure evil! But the more humble he is, the more everyone believes in his genuine kindness. Alas! It doesnt help that he also kinda has chronic hero syndrome and cant resist helping out in every possible way. So that is how a prisoner ended up becoming the one in charge of the jail keys! And he’s like Everyone’s Dad. (Even the people decades older than him...)

* Former bully powerful friend The one other main child character, cos I wanted Malachi to have some friends. They start off at odds and she initially joins in with everyone bullying him, cos she wants to fit in. But he ends up helping her deal with her insecurities and realise she was only resenting him for being ‘weak’ because she saw herself reflected in him. or rather, the traits in herself she’d tried to hide to make everyone like her, even if it meant joining in with bullying and only having horrible asshole friends. So she sacrifices her popularity with the main clique in order to defend malachi, and ends up finding her first true friend with him. They’re better off being outcasts together! So yeah cutie malachi will have some sort of stronge deliquent friend with a heart of gold, and I’m not sure yet whether she’d be playable or not? i kinda feel like its not right to have someone that young join the party unless they have magic powers to protect them. So maybe she can fight by teaming up with malachi, actually? like, she rides atop his stone dragon golem form and supports with ranged weaponry or something. or just acts as an advisor? I liked the idea I had that there would be a buffs-only type of magic stone, and people could cast it on themselves to have enhanced senses at something or other and improve their supporting skills. Like the protagonist would maybe have an eyesight-enhancing buff crystal to act as a sniper scope!

* Rival warrior buff teen person Very undeveloped cos I just came up with them ysterday, lol! I’m thinking possibly make this character female just cos this archetype doesnt get to be female all that often. Kind of a draco malfoy type snooty rival, but with a more sympathetic side and ultimately you do become friends. Theyre just a simple ordinary citizen who was doing the best they could to protect their family before you came along, and now kinda resents the fact you’re all BETTER THAN EVERYONE and taking their job as guardian! They have a lot of anxieties over the fact they struggled so hard to become self-trained and now you’re here making it look easy. So the plot has a general theme of believing too much in ‘destiny’, and that some people are just born with talent and you’ll never succeed if you werent lucky enough. This character started off trying to act like theyre inherantly blessed with that talent, because they’re terrified that they aren’t... Oh and I think once you befriend them I think they might be like a ryuuji/junpei type of friend? But without the weird sexism and homophobia randomness that persona 4 threw onto yosuke. Just like a bit of a cheerful cliche ‘bro’ who isnt all that interested in books and likes to be all ‘cmon do it for the vine’. A good polar opposite to the protagonist who could have some cute interactions!

* Rival warrior’s chilled out older sibling figure of reasonableness Every rin needs a yukio! I think they’d be maybe a bartender or owner of a restaurant or something? Just some sort of super chilled out job where they act as an agony aunt to their customers, the place is very popular because of the great service. (Though also everyone is kinda like ‘yo you dont have to run it all by yourself, yo you dont need to give us bonus extra special treatment, seriously get some sleep dude!!’) But anyway they’re this perpetually relaxed super kind soul who’s always the reasonable response to their lil sib’s ohohoho angry rivalness. But the bad side to it is that they’re also a lil depressed and apathetic about their own life, they’re kinda like someone who really lives for their family, in a bad way. They’ve been like a single parent to their sibling because they had kind of a tragic backstory, and big sib has just grown too used to sacrificing everything in order to help other people and never taking care of themself. And they have a lot of trouble even.. feeling emotions. The outwardly chilled and happy-go-lucky facade covers up just a void of nothing but self hate and emptiness. They feel like they’d already been tainted by the way their abusive parents used to treat them, its too late for them and all they can do is try and save other people from falling down the same path. Oh, and I think maybe the two siblings are actually immigrants from the villain country? Like, when older sib ran away from the abusive family they ended up here, and now they try and keep it secret, to the point that even the younger sibling doesnt know where they were born. Basically I just wanna have a LOT of different subplots showing how the ordinary citizens of this country aren’t all evil just because their government are the bad guys in this story. And especially covering topics like characters who’re part of that ethnicity and get treated like they’re inherantly terrorists even if they were born and raised in a completely different country!

[gatorfruit-moved]

for the send numbers ask... i literally wanna know everything about you. just do all the ones you're ok with doing 💜

scghumaeca oh my god

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

I honestly have no idea, probably Mack

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

Outgoing but anxious lmao

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

Probably Denny, I haven’t seen him for awhile and I think he’s going to be at our environmental conference. I need to talk to him about internships.

4. Are you easy to get along with?

I guess, I’m kinda cold outwardly sometimes and bad at conversations

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

Probably yeah, I’d get yelled at though

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

I usually like bigger guys but I think that’s the dyspohria talking. With girls I tend to like short sweet girls.

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

God probably not

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

A girl I like

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

Kinda??? I make dirty jokes but sometimes I get super dysphoric cuz my bottom dysphoria is BAD

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

Mack last night, sad shit oof

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

“Will you both be home at normal times?”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

Oof I don’t really keep favorite songs lmao. I like Hurt, Splash Mountain, (Fuck A) Silver Lining, This Is Home, and I Am Shit

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

God yeah

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

Not really

15. What good thing happened this summer?

Last summer I became friends with the boys lmao

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

I haven’t kissed anyone

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

Of course, it’s unrealistic for there to be nothing

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

No, I haven’t seen him for like 6 years

19. Do you like bubble baths?

Eh, I’m not a fan of baths in general

20. Do you like your neighbors?

I don’t know my new ones but my old ones were the worst

21. What are you bad habits?

Over and undereating, biting nails, drinking too much caffeine, self deprecation, there’s a lot

22. Where would you like to travel?

The Netherlands, Mexico, basically everywhere

23. Do you have trust issues?

Oh god yeah I do

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

Seeing the dove in the morning I guess

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

Hips, chest, groin basically

26. What do you do when you wake up?

Lie there for awhile and scroll through tumblr

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

Darker tbh

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

Mack

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

I don’t have any ex’s

30. Do you ever want to get married?

Hell yeah, I wanna get married so bad

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?

For a lil tiny one lmao, I need a haircut

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

gchueirmqo idk, I don’t get celebrity crushes

33. Spell your name with your chin.

I am on my laptop rip. Zscxott paeris aretghur kajhor. Hey pretty close.

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

I’m in marching band, I’m joining a men’s roller derby team, I would play hockey if I could, I might be joining wrestling but I’m afraid of getting shit from people

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

I mean music is in tv shows??? I listen to more music than I do watch tv but there’s the stories I get invested in on tv. But I also play music. I have no clue.

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

Uh, yeah. ofc

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

Wow, riveting.

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

I don’t really have one??? Idk I like people who make me feel safe cuz I never do.

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

I like some of the newer GAP clothes, Market District is a good hangout place

40. What do you want to do after high school?

Go to Harvard and major in Biology.

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

Usually but one person did fuck me over that I don’t fuck with anymore

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

Probably pissed off

43. Do you smile at strangers?

Not often, I zone out easily

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

Outer space, the ocean kinda freaks me out

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

Mostly just Mack

46. What are you paranoid about?

Everything in the world

47. Have you ever been high?

No I’ve smoked like twice and it just gave me anxiety

48. Have you ever been drunk?

Another no, I don’t like the taste of alcohol but I had like half a mike’s

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

Eh, not really

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

Black and white

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

Yeah, often

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

I wanna be cis dude

53. Favourite makeup brand?

I don’t wear makeup but Lush has nice foundation

54. Favourite store?

No idea, Market District and GAP like the other question but it’s really not a thing for me

55. Favourite blog?

Oh lord idk

56. Favourite colour?

Violet, rust red

57. Favourite food?

Wedding soup

58. Last thing you ate?

I just ate a bunch of walnuts

59. First thing you ate this morning?

Uh, lunch, spicy chicken strips

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

I’ve won a ton of academic ones because I’m super competitive. There’s a band one I won, there’s hockey intramurals I destroyed in, pickleball during gym too.

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

I haven’t even had a detention

62. Been arrested? For what?

No but I’ve gotten yelled at by cops for no reason

63. Ever been in love?

I don’t really know. Platonically yeah

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

Haven’t had one

65. Are you hungry right now?

No, I just ate

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

I don’t really talk to anyone on tumblr

67. Facebook or Twitter?

Twitter

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

Tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now?

Yeah, King of the Hill

70. Names of your bestfriends?

Mack

71. Craving something? What?

Mmmmmmmmmm t. And steak.

72. What colour are your towels?

Blue, tan, white, they’re all covered in hair dye too

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

Like three full sized ones, a few smaller ones

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

A ton

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

^^^

75. Favourite animal?

Hyena

76. What colour is your underwear?

The ones I’m wearing rn are greeeeen

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

Vanilla

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

Cookie dough or cake batter. Any sorta baked good flavors

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

Black, it’s my annie cast shirt

80. What colour pants?

I’m not wearing pants

81. Favourite tv show?

King of the Hill and almost any old cartoon.

82. Favourite movie?

COCO BOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

Mean Girls

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

Mean Girls

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

Either Regina or Gretchen

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

Any of the sharks probably, I haven’t seen the movie for awhile

87. First person you talked to today?

Ms. Meyer

88. Last person you talked to today?

Dustin I think

89. Name a person you hate?

Alexa

90. Name a person you love?

Platonically, Mack

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

MMMMMMMM ALEXA

92. In a fight with someone?

Yeah

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

Like two pairs

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

Six or seven I think

95. Last movie you watched?

Infinity War

96. Favourite actress?

I don’t really keep track of actors/actresses, probably Meryl Streep

97. Favourite actor?

Tom Holland cuz fuck man he didn’t have to kill me but he did

98. Do you tan a lot?

Not like going out to tan but whenever I’m in the sun, which is often, I tan really easily

99. Have any pets?

Yeah four dogs and a uromastyx

100. How are you feeling?

Eh, ok. I lost my voice so it’s deeper than usual which is nice.

101. Do you type fast?

I guess? I just took a test and I’m 67 WPM.

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

Yeah a lot

103. Can you spell well?

Not out loud. I tend to skip some words since I’m better at math than language arts, I’ve got a numerical and art brain

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

Opa, Cadmium, friends from shows

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

Yeah I host one every year

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

Uh I highly fucking doubt it

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

Yeah it was fun, I miss it

108. What should you be doing?

Probably working on my finals

109. Is something irritating you right now?

My mom

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

Oof yeah

111. Do you have trust issues?

Yeah really bad

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

Probably Mack

113. What was your childhood nickname?

Boogie, pietje, there’s a lot

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

Yeah I’m from PA.

115. Do you play the Wii?

Not often

116. Are you listening to music right now?

No

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

Hell yeah

118. Do you like Chinese food?

Another hell yeah

119. Favourite book?

I really like When the Moon Was Ours but I’m not done with it yet, I haven’t gotten many chances to read it

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

Not at all

121. Are you mean?

I mean jokingly yeah

122. Is cheating ever okay?

No

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

Oh god no, I’m a dirty nature boy

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

No

125. Do you believe in true love?

Honestly I have no idea

126. Are you currently bored?

Kinda, it’s the depression lmao

127. What makes you happy?

Animals, people I get along with, tea

128. Would you change your name?

Legally yeah lmao

129. What your zodiac sign?

Aquarius sun, sagittarius moon, gemini rising, aquarius venus, aries mars, and capricorn mercury.

130. Do you like subway?

Yeah, meatball subs boi

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

Idk honestly

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

Mack

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

“Often I am upset that I cannot fall in love but I guess this avoids the stress of falling out of it.”

134. Can you count to one million?

Yeah

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

Idk man, I don’t usually tell lies and when I do I honestly forget about them

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

Closed

137. How tall are you?

A little over 5’6”

138. Curly or Straight hair?

I’ve got wavy hair

139. Brunette or Blonde?

Dirty blonde

140. Summer or Winter?

Winter

141. Night or Day?

Night

142. Favourite month?

September or October

143. Are you a vegetarian?

Not at all

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

Dark

145. Tea or Coffee?

Tea

146. Was today a good day?

I felt accepted by some people I usually don’t, but there was some other stressful shit so it’s kind of a neutral day

147. Mars or Snickers?

Snickers

148. What’s your favourite quote?

“Shoot for the moon; if you miss you will die in outer space, which is cool” - Katya Zamolodchikova

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

Eh, idk. I’m not a huge believer in the supernatural.

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

“It must make you sad,” Lian said, in a way that wasn’t warm enough to sound kind or sharp enough to sounds mean. “What happened with your mother

I included the whole paragraph cuz continuity. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Thanks, this was a fucking adventure

[wanderingthroughwickford]

I’m trying to get caught up on AoS S5! I just finished watching episode 2 (or the last half of episode 1, I guess) and have been trying to watch episode 3 but my internet connection is so poor I think I’m going to have to call it quits for tonight.

Really enjoying it! Not to the extent of Season 4, but I think I have to stop comparing everything to Season 4 (esp. 4A) because nothing will ever be that good for me - and honestly, nothing has to. I can just enjoy it for what it’s worth, and what it is is a damn good show. I love how AoS can just suck you back in instantly, no matter how long it’s been since you last watched it.

I’ll admit, the scenario they’re in is pretty grim, very Hunger Games-esque, and honestly is right at the limits of what I can take atm in terms of darkness and bleakness. Not that I haven’t enjoyed media that’s darker (again, Hunger Games), and not that dystopian scenarios like this aren’t interesting (again, Hunger Games) but man, it’s just so hopeless to see humanity like this, especially when the best thing the team can do to prevent more people from getting killed is keep their heads down and not draw attention. That’s the hardest part, knowing that their efforts to help will inevitably make things worse.

Speaking of which, I didn’t quite pick up why exactly the Renewal took place? Was it as punishment, or to cull the population b/c of the fight over food (implying shortage)? And if they were being punished, what for? Did they find the dead Kree? Is it because the one guy injured Kasius’ slave? Or because Coulson caused that pipe accident? I really hope it’s not anything to do with the team ... like I said, I hate the idea that their attempts to fix things lead to people’s deaths. It’s just so depressing and unpleasant. I’m glad that the entirety of this season isn’t going to take place on this space station.

Virgil seems like he was a cool dude, with his interest in the Earth and all. It’s a shame he died so quickly, but of course it’s necessary to the plot. I like how you can tell that Tess cared a lot about him, even though she doesn’t outwardly mourn him much.

Those tracker things in their wrists look HORRIBLE!

I do think Daisy was a little harsh about the Framework thing. I get her point - that this sort of escapism only makes people complacent - but she doesn’t really have the right to judge; she hasn’t lived in this hellscape for her whole life, she doesn’t know what life is like there, so how can she begrudge people for simply seeking a few hours of escape? And in such a grim environment, it’s understandable that most people would just be concerned with survival rather than revolution. Her heart is in the right place, she’s just not coming at it from the right perspective.

I love how Jemma is constantly defined by her compassion. Healing the wounded man, trying to convince Kasius to spare his life, screaming in shock and horror when he was eventually killed (and in such a gruesome way! D:) I feel so bad for her, being made into his slave with that blocker in her ear (really liked how everything went silent to represent that) but I think it’ll be an interesting storyline for her, maybe she can gather some intel in his chambers?

On the subject of Kasius, I’m liking how completely horrible and hateable the villains are. Sympathetic villains are good, and on rare occasions they’ll wind up being my favorite characters, but I feel like AoS has so many villains with tragic devastating backstories or understandable motivations that it helps to have a complete bastard thrown in there every once in a while. I hope they don’t try to Woobiefy or redeem Kasius or Sinara. (Though granted, I don’t want to come off as total hypocrite given my taste in AoS characters, so I’ll just say that this isn’t a condemnation of anyone who likes these characters, for whatever reason! If you see something in them that I don’t, that’s great! You can like who you want. :)

Well, I guess I’m going to call it a night now, but hopefully I’ll be able to watch another 2 or 3 episodes tomorrow night (and eventually get caught up!)

[fe14fiction-blog]

hi, mod lilith! :D do you think you could make a post listing the matchup requests you've gotten and will do? just so we know if you've received ours! it can be a hassle though, so please don't feel pressured to >

hi! could i have a matchup? im a gay boy and id like an awakening match please c: im very kind and i like being and caregiver to people. im really shy though, and it kind take time for me to open up. when i do open up however, im very loud and carefree and i like cracking jokes and messing around. i love singing and i have an interest in rapping and song writing, but im also an artist. i work very hard and i can get very serious and competitive. im also really sensitive and i cry alot and easily        

I'm 19, male, and straight. INFP and Sagittarius. On the bigger and taller side too. I'm mostly interested in gaming and anime, but I also read quite a number of books. I enjoy debating philosophy and religion, but to be frank, I'll debate anything that I can debate. Personality-wise, I have two outward expressions: stoic and emotionless, and smug half grin. I'm usually pretty antisocial, but I like the company of like-minded people. Basically, those I can battle my wits against, and vice versa. A bit follow up, as I ran out of room. I'd prefer a character from Fates, please. And don't let my profile picture make you feel biased towards Soleil. I just like the picture itself. I wish you luck with these, and I thank you for offering to do them! Keep posting all the great content! Good night for now!    

Hi!! Could I get a matchup please, if the mini event is still happening? I was thinking Awakening characters, and I prefer guys. I am an Aquarius and infp; I like people who are very protective, and usually calmer/level headed. I enjoy people who make me feel significant and treat me fairly, and with plenty of attention. Thank you!                

Could I have a match for Fates, specifically Conquest; preferably a male character? I'm a shy person around people I don't know; yet I don't show it too much as I feel I need to force myself to be out there to make others feel comfortable. I have a short temper and am a very sarcastic person by nature. I take things seriously if needed but tend to like to be the one cracking jokes to ease serious tension. I get nervous often in public situations etc. I enjoy reading and writing, I'm an Aries!      

Could I get awakening male match up? I'm a girl, pretty chill. I'm not the most outwardly social but I like talking to people more one on one and having kind of long conversations to really get to know someone. I do have depression though, and sometimes get days where it's bad, so basically just anyone caring and sweet is what I'd look for, but I'm okay with whatever. Thank you!!!!!!!!!                

May I have an Awakening matchup? I'm a female looking for a male. Logically minded, but creative. I like cooking and playing video games and I spend a lot of time taking care of my siblings to help my parents out. Also ridden with anxiety and ADHD, but I work through that by working out (I'm in the gym three times a week). Total cat lady. Happiest when I'm alone, but I dearly love my small circle of friends. Also, if it helps, I'm an INTP and Aquarius. Thank you!

For Match-Up; From the Awakening men, please! As for the person to be matched, he is kind and gentle with a soft, warm smile. Patience and optimism are his strongest points being he is never known to lose heart or give up. He does tend to lose track of his own health due to his diligence in his duties though. His mind is sharp however, and often used to devise new and clever approaches to things. He is also a Mage. ISFP-type personality, falling under the Lawful Good morality.                  

Sorry if I'm sending this through via the wrong method! I'd like to give your match-ups a try (if that's okay) Game: Fates (I don't care which path) MBTI: INTJ (more turbulent) Astrological Sign: Cancer What I like personality wise: • Someone that I can discuss intellectual (especially history-related things) with • Able to comfort/chill someone out • More "mature" (stoic is even okay) • Determined in one way or another • Doesn't mind cats • Does well with a busy partner • Is a guy Thanks! 😸Oh geez, it didn't occur to me that you wanted more info on us as opposed to what we like in relationships. Terribly sorry! It's probably too late, but here's some info on myself (I submitted my request prior to the deadline, but if it was too little info.  too late, I totally understand) I'm quite the worry wart use ten words when two would do honestly. I'm a major "dilettante", I dabble in many things but have mastered none. I don't handle extreme emotions all that well. Sorry, and thanks!                            

I'd like a match up for an awakening character please. No second gens though and preferably a guy. I'm a girl who likes art, reading, and crafting. I have an INFP personality type and I'm a Leo. I tend to keep to myself mostly so someone else would have to initiate conversation. I love animals but I hate bugs. My favorite genre to read is adventure because I find my real life about as interesting as a stale corn chip. True to my zodiac sign my pride is everything to me.                        

id like an Awakening matchup! Second gen is fine! im 5'8, pan, virgo, INFJ girl with long af brown hair and freckles around my nose and cheeks. im reserved when you first talk to me and its hard for me to really trust people sometimes even if im already close with them. i also make self deprecating jokes to cope w not liking myself a whole lot. im pretty spacey too and i have a hard time remembering stuff. i draw a lot digitally and traditionally and i write sometimes too. thanks in advance!                    

Hi~ I'd like to request a matchup please! Game: Conquest (all the guys I want to marry are in Nohr oops). Please skip the 2nd gen. Personality: Pisces, INFP, Gryffindor. Easygoing, affable, humourous, thoughtful, observent, affectionate, ambivert, shy but doing my best to put myself out there, introspective, openminded, I've been told I come across as mysterious and intense by people I don't know well. Preference: open/fair minded, loves to learn and travel, even a little romantic/affectionate.         

fates matchup please? 😁 i'm a straight entj girl. i'm an outgoing person and take up a lot of leadership roles, e.g. i’m stuco president. i'm a little shy around people at first but i open up quickly. people say that i'm funny and smart, although i am a little mean and a perfectionist... i'm also actually wildly insecure lmao... i also love reading and writing. i don’t enjoy sports but i like volleyball! going out is fun but i can't be around people for too long and like alone time. thank you!  

May I please have match up for a male Fates character! Thank you! You're a doll for doin this! I'm generally a calm, if a bit moody kind of girl who adores cute things and nature! I always aim to please and I act sweet and innocent when really I'm only pretending so that people will like me. In reality I'm much more down to Earth and lonely and can care way to deeply about keeping up appearances when all I really want is for someone to look past my façade.

Can I get an Awakening Match-up please? Female, 5'9", strawberry blonde hair and grey eyes, INTP. Looking for a guy who's more of a sweetheart and would never raise his voice to me, long hair is preferred. I need someone who will be strong for me when I can't, and enjoys being showered with affection in return. I enjoy reading, drawing, and cooking. Please no second gen characters. Thanks a bunch!

Please could I ask a match with somebody from awakening. I do not mind which gender you choose. I'm a happy, bit cheeky, kind and caring person, it takes awhile for me to get angry and I will show sympathy to people who needs it. I like other people showing kindness to others and being friendly. I am a Taraus and I own Awakening, Birthright and Revelation      

I'm a Taurus whom has a love for food, music, and poetry, tries to keep things orderly in his life for the most part, and yet also loves to flatter those whom I love with compliments and gifts. No gender preference, Fates character.  

fates matchup? male please!! i'm an infp gemini,, i'm p outgoing and try to make friends w everyone (which can also be a bad thing bc rejection is the Worst) but i love making people laugh most of all!! i play sports solely for the team aspect (soccer n softball) so i'm also p athletic. but i also do love to write and am v easy-going!! thank u v much for doing these!  

Matchup for Fates! I'm an ace girl with romantic interest in everyone, 21 and only 5'3" and I'm kinda shy due to being Autistic. I love horses and archery though, with more interest in writing and drawing. I'm a Cancer, and my favorite time of day os the mid afternoon. I used to be a sport swimmer and diver, but now I enjoy the pool for fun. I can be a little overprotective of those I care for when new people come around as well!    

fates/conquest, preference male (anyone BUT Leo, Xander & Laslow), cancer & INFJ Tiny, quiet girl. Doesn't like war or fighting and just wants to make her friends and everyone around her happy. Enjoys music and can play almost every string instrument (except the viola) including the piano. She's very timid yet enjoys talking, especially about different lands and myths. She's kind of sick though and has medical issues that affect her ability to go out a lot. Has no preference for males.           

Match-up please! I'm a male who enjoys creative writing, animals, baking, fashion, and nature. I'm playful and tend to tease those who I'm close to. I'm pretty nerdy and I'm scared pretty easily. I also love terrible puns. I'm a Gemini, and I'd prefer a female from Fates! Children are fine, too!      

  Hi I'm hoping the matchup are still open, thank you for this!! I'd like someone from awakening and preferably one of the dudes pls :) I'm an istp, gryffindor and a Scorpio, I've been told I'm a bit intimidating as well as bold and a bit blunt, but also funny. I prefer to hang out with people who are honest and have integrity, people who start shit for no reason piss me off to no end. It doesn't matter if I don't share similar interests with people so long as we get along and have a good time c:  No Kid Characters      

For matchup I'd prefer Fates Second Gen characters except for anyone younger than Kiragi, I have no preference for Gender or Personality. As for my personality I'm a very lazy hermit who likes literature and I have a good memory. I can be shy and my mood changes a lot between pessimistic and optimistic. I'm also someone who likes to try new things a lot as long as it doesn't require much of physical activities. I also get lost a lot in my thoughts.      

Matchup if still open! I'm five foot 3 and INTP in personality. i don't mind either BR or CQ guys. I'm somewhat distant at first glance. I'm kinda moody and irrational, but try to hide that with jokes and silliness. I'm a pessimist at heart. Very picky about things too, whether it be food, clothes, friends, etc..   

Can I have an Awakening matchup? I'm a bisexual ESTJ 5'1 1/2" Pisces girl with too many things to say. I've been told my best traits were my charisma, imagination, consideration, and articulation but that I was stubborn and feisty and I can't be intimidating due to my height. I love engineering, history, and hands-on projects and people say I can never stop smiling. To my s/o I can offer comfort, humor, and perspective. They'd just have to deal with my strange sense of humor, unorthodox way to do things, and when I'm mad, a sharp tongue. But after any fights if I'm not blinded by my own stubbornness, I'll be the one to give in and ask for forgiveness. In the relationship I need someone as willing to hold it up and be a part of it as I am.