#Not even daring to think about the financial aspect because I would just cry

[umilily]

I've been trying to get this fucking degree for 7 years, suffering basically nonstop, taking part in all my classes, even taking extra ones, I think at this point I more than deserve them just giving me my bachelor's. I've done ENOUGH.

[logicalbookthief]

Things Left Unsaid -- An Analysis of Rei & Touya

Apparently Rei has been getting a lot of flack lately, all of it undeserved, and since I had a post analyzing her relationship with Touya in the works already, I figured no time like the present.

Disclaimer #1: There are a lot of issues with the writing for Rei’s character that have nothing to do with her and everything to do with how the storyline is using her, which I will address and examine.

Disclaimer #2: I’m someone who, while always curious as to what kind of relationship Rei had with her oldest son before he died, never thought it would be revealed that Touya was close to his mom. I don’t think you get the Dabi we see in Chapters 290-295 without him being so warped by his relationship with his father yet so dependent on his attention that he was willing to kill his brother and himself simply for his father’s acknowledgement.

But that’s what I find so interesting about Rei and Touya -- it’s a relationship that mainly consists of regrets and things left unsaid. There isn’t the anger or resentment Dabi feels for Endeavor, because that intense level of emotion sprung from the loss of the father who used to be his whole world. His feelings toward his mother seem more amicable, but also more distant.

And while she could’ve done some things differently in regards to her oldest, I want to make it clear that the distance between them was very much by design.

After all, Touya was the end goal of their marriage. It was never any secret as to why Enji wanted to marry her and to some extent Rei must’ve realized that this child was not meant to be hers: the child was the transaction, the thing she was needed to create, to give to her husband. Of course she loved Touya and was likely his primary caregiver for most of his life, but there was no doubt that once his quirk manifested and he could begin his hero training, his life would be dominated by his father. Which is what happened.

Here, I would like to point out something I noticed in the flashback chapters. We never see any panels of Enji alone with any of his children during their infancy -- even with Shouto, the perfect child he longed for, we see Rei holding Shouto, sitting by him as he sleeps. Enji is there tangentially. Once Shouto begins his training, that is when we see him with his father.

So to see Enji with Touya when he was a baby, prior to his quirk manifesting, strikes me as a big deal. But it makes sense if you remember that he’d placed all his hopes, dreams and expectations on his firstborn. Initially, it doesn’t look like he even considered the possibility that Touya wouldn’t be his successor or that his little eugenics experiment would fail; this was his first, most optimistic attempt at a masterpiece. So I don’t believe it’s far-fetched to see him spend more time with Touya right off the bat (it’s what will make the eventual abandonment all the more crushing).

However, Rei isn’t seen at all in the snippet of Touya’s infancy, despite us knowing she was relegated to the caregiver role. Rei is literally out of the picture. Compare this to how she features prominently in Shouto’s infancy or how we see her holding a baby Natsuo. You could argue that, hey, we don’t see her holding a baby Fuyumi either, but there’s other scenes where Fuyumi’s attached to her mother’s hip or crying over her being hurt. Things that suggest a closeness, when the only scene we get of just her and Touya is one where they’re at odds. 

As we move further into Touya’s childhood, though, Rei becomes the only voice we hear advocate for him against his father. I’m referencing two specific instances:

When Enji coerces her into having more children to replace Touya now that his father has deemed him a failure, something she knows will hurt their son deeply.

And after Touya lashes out at Shouto, which Rei doesn’t blame on Touya, but rather on his father. She delivers such a satisfying condemnation of his actions, probably the most cutting one Endvr’s received to date, and it so accurately sums up one of his major character flaws.

How can you call yourself a hero when you can’t even face your own son?

The tragedy of it all is that Rei never said any of this in front of Touya -- it was always said in private, just to her husband. That alone took courage, yes, but it would’ve meant everything to Touya to hear her condemn his father aloud. Instead when she does speak to him, she says this:

It’s why I can’t wrap my head around that scene in Ch 302, where after Enji admits he didn’t know what to say to Touya, Rei replies, “Neither did I.” 

When we’re shown in flashbacks during that same chapter that she did understand her son. “He just wants to be acknowledged by you” is quite the indication that she, at the very least, understood the cause of Touya’s turmoil even if she couldn’t fully relate to it herself. So why can’t she say any of this to him?

The answer is in the way she addresses Touya, as it is nearly identical to how Nao addresses Tenko in this scene:

Both Touya and Tenko grew up in similar households: the father had all the power, physical and financial, so the mothers were left to try and comfort their children in a way that didn’t go against their husbands’ desires -- and so, to use Tenko’s own words, they would “reject them with kindness.”

So it’s no wonder that Touya lashes out at his mother after she suggests he pursue other things. He isn’t five like Tenko was, he’s thirteen and has a much clearer understanding of why she says this and why it’s a bit hypocritical, since he’s aware of her situation, too.

Just as she was bound by her family, who wanted her to marry Endvr for the money and status, he’s bound by the expectations of his family. I’m not sure if I’ve seen anyone else touch on this detail, but when Touya states that he knows his grandparents sold his mom into marriage so his dad could have a child, we could infer that Touya knows enough to realize that his mother might not have necessarily wanted him.

Not him specifically, but any child — the story has neglected to flesh her out beyond her marriage and motherhood, so we have no idea if Rei wanted to become a mother prior to this arrangement, despite how much she loves her kids now — although it is possible that he might’ve internalized it this way.

So you have Touya, who at least knows with certainty that his father wanted him to exist, yet he comes to understand that his father only wants him if he can meet a specific set of expectations, and if he cannot, he’ll be discarded. If he can’t surpass All Might, he can’t fulfill his reason for existing and his father will have to replace him. So to have his mother urge him to follow a path other than becoming a hero would mean, to Touya, accepting that he is the mistake he fears he is. Of course he isn’t going to respond well to that.

I don’t like when people try to compare Touya’s reaction in this moment to Shouto’s when Rei tells him he isn’t bound by his father’s blood, using that to paint Shouto as the “good” child and Touya as the “bad” one. They didn’t react differently because of any innate sense of goodness or lack thereof -- they reacted differently because the situations are different.

Telling Shouto that he didn’t have to be like his father comforted Shouto, who only knew his father as the bully who hurt his mom. He associated his father, and his father’s fire, with all of that fear and pain -- and thus, he associated the part of himself that took after his father with those feelings. She wasn’t denying his dream of becoming a hero, only assuring him that when he became a hero it could be whatever kind of hero he chose to be, that he wasn’t doomed to be like his father.

Whereas what she tells Touya sounds a lot like what his father told him, which was to give up on being a hero and pursue other aspirations.

Encouraging Shouto to become his own version of a hero still falls in line with what Endvr ultimately wants, which is for Shouto to be a hero capable of surpassing All Might. Whereas this is what happens when Touya continues to train to do that against his father’s wishes:

This is where the framing begins to bother me and where Rei’s characterization becomes inconsistent. 

So in this scene from Ch 302, we see Enji abusing his wife for “letting” Touya continue to train, punishing her for her “failure” to stop him. Obviously, none of that is Rei’s fault. If anything, Enji would be more responsible for preventing Touya from hurting himself since he’s the reason his son is hurting himself in the first place.

Moreover, the fact that he hits Rei over this sort of muddies the water of an previously-established narrative. Since the Sports Festival arc, we’ve known that Endvr abused his wife because she tried to interfere with Shouto’s training. It got to the point where she was terrified of her husband and it drove her to a breakdown. Why introduce this new aspect to the abuse, when it was already established that a) he was physically abusive and b) his motivations for abusing her were explicit to the audience? 

I’m not saying it doesn’t make sense that a man who hits his wife for one reason could find another reason to do it and justify his actions to himself. And while the scene does portray Endvr in a bad light to show how wrong his actions are, literally draping his figure in shadow, why does it even dare to suggest the idea that Rei was remiss in her duties as a mother? Again, the scene isn’t even necessary, since the narrative has long-since showed the audience that Enji abused his wife. 

By itself, the scene would read as further exploration of how Rei was victimized and how it affected her children. When you look at it with the chapter as a whole, though? Remember, this is the chapter where Rei claims that all of the family shares the blame in what happened to Touya, displacing some of the blame that rightfully rests on Enji. 

But my major gripe with this scene is how it reframes the sole moment we get of Rei and Touya alone. Because we know that Rei understands Touya, based on her confrontations with her husband in Ch 301 & 302. Rather than encourage him to be what he wants or acknowledge that his father is in the wrong, however, her advice falls in line with what Enji wants -- to stop Touya from training. And this comes after a scene where we see Enji beat his wife when she doesn’t stop Touya from training.

With all that in mind, it could potentially be read as Rei trying stop Touya for the sake of protecting herself and the family -- I don’t think it’s coincidence that in the scene where he hits her that we see Shouto, Fuyumi & Natsuo all as witnesses who are very distressed by what’s happening to their mother -- at the cost of Touya’s need to be validated. And if executed well or at least better than it has here, that wouldn’t be a bad choice of narrative per se, and it would fit into the pattern where the households the villains were raised in -- notably Shigaraki, Dabi & Toga -- mimic the society they live in, just on a smaller scale.

Except. Does that sort of narrative make sense based on what we already know about Rei?

Certainly, it is natural to want to protect yourself under physical and/or emotional duress by appeasing your abuser. This sort of complicated dynamic appears in the Shimura family, too. Just like in the house that Kotaro built, the Todoroki family revolves around the desires of the abuser and is dictated by his whims.

I would argue that Nao does give us a well-written example of this narrative. From the beginning, it’s established that she loves Tenko dearly. But in the house her husband built, there’s no room to love her son as he deserves. She prioritizes the feelings of Tenko’s father for the sake of maintaining peace in the household and this is established quickly and plainly.

Early on in the flashback, Kotaro exerts his control over the house, while Nao + her parents look uncomfortable. Despite this, we watch as they comply with his rules, all at the expense of Tenko’s feelings. When she stands up to Kotaro at last, it is not where Tenko can see and already too late. It’s a painful story, full of regret and sadness, but it is consistent from start to end. Nobody feels out-of-character or there to prop up anybody else.

So why doesn’t Rei feel as consistent in this narrative?

Because it doesn’t fit with everything we knew about Rei prior to her abuser’s subpar redemption arc.

The way she interacts with Touya would make sense, if this was how she was portrayed from the start. However, her behavior in Shouto’s flashback -- where she was first introduced -- contrasts what we get in the later Todoroki flashbacks.

Let’s compare this to the scenes in Ch 302. Here, Rei interferes on Shouto’s behalf. She advocates for her son in front of Shouto where he can hear. She stands up to his bully/villain and tries to protect him, while also validating his feelings in the process. Directly after this, Enji hits her, not for failing to comply with his demands, but for defying him. 

It is difficult to reconcile this Rei with the Rei we get in Ch 302. And if you try to find an in-story reason for the inconsistency, the options either do a disservice to Rei or make things even more painful for Touya. But I’m sure most of you have realized that I’m going to suggest a reason for this inconsistency that goes beyond the canon.

Because when Rei was first introduced in the story, Endvr was unequivocally the villain in the Todoroki family, not some misguided patriarch trying to atone for his “past” mistakes. Years later and in the midst of his redemption arc, the narrative seems to be intent on making this man more palatable to readers, and it’s used Rei at every opportunity to prop up his efforts to be better. Often, though, it takes some of the heat off Enji by displacing it onto other family members, most significantly Rei & Touya.

Like, you can literally see the difference in the frame from early in the manga to now:

Ch 39: Endvr trains his five-year-old to the point where he’s throwing up due overextension and being punched by a fully grown adult who is also his father. Rei tries to protect her son and gets slapped by Endvr. All the blames rests squarely on Endvr, who is clearly the aggressor and painted as the villain here.

Ch 302: Endvr hits Rei for not preventing Touya from sneaking out to train, knocking her to the ground. Again, Endvr is clearly the aggressor, but oh this time it’s not driven solely by his selfish desires it’s also cocnern for his son; Rei is the victim but oh she also should have been watching him more closely, and oh well why was Touya going out in the first place, when everyone has told him to stop and he knows his mom will get punished for it?

Honestly, I can understand where some people have mixed feelings over Rei’s character, particularly since the writing has done her such a disservice recently. With that being said, however, it takes a minimum amount of critical thinking to recognize that while you can criticize some choices she made, you cannot hold her to the same standard of accountability as Enji, it’s absurd. The power imbalance was obviously tipped in Endvr’s favor, always.

It is a shame, too, that we can’t have more discussions that don’t turn into some readers (a lot of whom are attempting to make Endvr sound less horrible than he actually was) trying to demonize her. It’s doubly a shame the story itself doesn’t bother to flesh her out as a person, instead using her as a prop, because the complex relationships she has with Touya -- with all her children, really -- has plenty of room for exploration. 

Like, there was no reason to add this new dimension of resentment due to her spouting Enji’s words back at Touya, when there was already a source of tension supported by previous canon -- the neglect the Todoroki kids suffered because Rei couldn’t be the parent they needed, due to her declining mental health and eventual breakdown.

Or, if you want to complicate their dynamic further, why not add something that focuses on Rei and has nothing to do with Enji? We learn in the flashbacks that Rei agreed to the marriage more-or-less to please her family, lamenting that she “intended to smile through it to the end,” essentially admitting that her hope was she could grin and bear it. It is telling that she had this attitude before entering her marriage; evidently, she was raised with the idea that she should be acquiescent to her parents’ whims and not express herself if she was only going to be contrary. Maybe she didn’t know how to deal with Touya’s very expressive, very emotional outbursts as a result. And her inability to respond would be the exact opposite of what Touya was seeking.

Not to mention that Touya died, and for the last decade, Rei was under the impression she had lost her son forever. He died while she was hospitalized, torn up with guilt over what she did to Shouto, only to find out that her other son died in a frankly horrific manner, and she could do nothing. By the time she would’ve found out, it was too late to even try to do anything. I can’t imagine what she must’ve felt in terms of regret alone, plus her grief. And I’m still mad we were robbed of her reaction to Touya being alive, because now suddenly there is a chance to do something, to change what was once written in stone.

Or what about Touya’s feelings for his mother, that have yet to be given much depth? As the oldest and most aware of his existence, it seems like he was the first to truly understand his mother’s situation and I can’t help but wonder: If Touya knew he vessel for his father’s ambition, and his mother was sold into role of creating/caring for him, did he question her love for him? Once he found out one parent’s love was conditional, it wouldn’t be a leap for him to consider it for the other. And yet if that’s true, Dabi doesn’t appear to hold any ill-will towards her for that. He was angry at her hypocrisy, because he knows she should understand, but her words to him didn’t reflect that.

All of that is fascinating and so much better than what we got in canon, so far at least. I’m hoping for them interact in the present at least once before the end of the series, and I think they will, but as to how satisfying a reconciliation it’ll be, I guess we’ll have to wait to see how the Todoroki plotline progresses from here on out.

[shinysobi]

i came in from the outside, burnt out from the joyride

this was born out of a conversation with @akinosakiya, so all credits go to her >.<

chapter i | chapter 2 (coming soon)

Han Joon Hwi and Kang Sol, years after graduation. post-canon fix it, idiots to lovers.

ao3

a/n : i got this idea as i feverishly dm'd my friend about a solhwi prompt,,, i took it too far i think >.<

please tell me if you like it!!

a/n: title taken from Hozier's Almost (sweet music) which i recommend while reading this.

chapter 1: you and i are lovers in the dark

There has got to be another way of doing this. I can’t be doing this all my life.

“You know,” the words from Yeseul makes her look up, “you didn’t have to do this to yourself. You could have not taken the case, eonni. I told you not to take the case.”

Sol doesn’t say anything, just hangs her head in shame. The soju burns as she tips her head back, draining the last dregs of it, “I knew I shouldn’t have asked you for help. You’re being insufferable now that you’re dating Bok-gi.”

Yeseul laughs, reaching for the soda can, “eonni, I think you’re thinking about it too much.”

“I am, aren’t I?” she looks at the other girl, clearly panicked, “does it show? Oh, it shows, doesn’t it? Oh, what am I going to do—”

“Ah, noona, you shouldn’t have taken this case on, then,” Bok-gi says as he enters the room and take in the sight of a dishevelled Sol and a grinning Yeseul, “oh, Yeseul noona, I was looking all over for you!”

Sol scowls, “haven’t the two of you been dating forever? Why do you still have the honorific? And for your information, I took the case before I knew it was going to be him that I would have to go up against.”

Bok-gi looks affronted, and Yeseul comes to her boyfriend’s rescue, “ah, I like it, eonni.”

“Of course, you like it, you’re just as gone for him as he is,” she grumbles, “so, Bok-gi, Yeseul’s been telling you everything now, has she?”

“Ah, eonni, leave him out of it,” Yeseul soothes her, rubbing circles into her back, “do you want me to take the case? Instead of you—”

“The client won’t agree on it,” Sol whines, “and just when I thought I had got rid of him.”

“Rid of who?” so Bok-gi doesn’t know, Sol notes with some amount of pleasure, good. At least Yeseul didn’t tell him about the fact that—

“Oh, eonni might have to work with Joon-hwi oppa,” Yeseul chirps, looking entirely too pleased for Sol’s liking, “she’s the public defender for Joon-hwi oppa’s case.”

“The attempted murder one?” Bok-gi sounds as perplexed as Sol is, “but I thought hyung only dealt with financial cases, what happened? Didn’t you say you had some other prosecutor to deal with, noona?”

Sol groans, “apparently he’s taking criminal cases too, and the first one he chose to take was mine,” she stands up, “can’t I ever get rid of him?”

Yeseul blinks, “why did you have to get rid of him in the first place?”

Sol groans, sitting down on the chair with a thump. This was becoming a frighteningly regular occurrence, groaning at the mere mention of his name, “I told you, you wouldn’t understand.”

“You sound like a sixteen-year-old right now, noona,” Bok-gi giggles, and she scowls at him. How dare they find happiness in my misery. Just because she loved them didn’t mean she would put up with everything that they did.

Liar. You’ll always put up with whatever they do.

Wait, why did that sound like him? Did he finally manage to get inside her head?

No. no, calm down, Kang Sol. Joon-Hwi is not inside your brain. Your brain is filled with statutes of law, precedents, your grocery list, the things you need to buy Byeol for her birthday—

You have too many things on your mind.

Ah, fuck.

She stands up again, taking a look at Bok-gi and Yeseul’s surprised faces, and sits back down, “never mind. It’s just him. how bad could it be? We just lost touch over the years, and I specifically made sure to not keep in touch with him after we graduated—I’m going to die, Yeseul-ah.”

“No, eonni, you won’t,” Yeseul props her up gently, pushing the bowl of bibimbap towards her, “at least eat something before you cry.”

“No, you’re right,” Bok-gi agrees, although Sol knows he’s laughing at her internally, the little shit, “it’s wrong to cry and not eat. I’ll be dehydrated.”

The food tastes bland in her mouth, although she knows she’s made it spicy, but Sol works her way through it with tears in her eyes (she passes it off as due to the spice) and promptly starts sobbing again, lamenting her crappy life.

“Eonni, the trial isn’t until next month, you have enough time to prepare,” Yeseul tries to placate her, but it only increases the volume of her groans.  A whole month spent dreading the presence of Han Joon-Hwi as she prepared for the trial. “You’ll win it, right?”

There. That was what had been bugging her. The fact that he hadn’t lost a single case since he’d become prosecutor. It isn’t like she hadn’t expected this from him, coming first in her class, but—

“Is this even fair?” she wails, “the attempted murder case doesn’t even have to have him as the prosecutor, it is going to be easy for me to win, the client was framed, and there is no evidence—”

“Noona,” Bok-gi peers at her, his eyes going wide, “you’re scared, aren’t you?”

“Ah, it isn’t like that!” she tries to defend herself. But Yeseul just stares, “fine. You caught me. I’m scared of losing to him, he hasn’t even lost a single case since he made prosecutor, he’s on his way to becoming head prosecutor in less than a decade, and I’m—I’m barely surviving as it is, so why did Attorney Geun-Tae give this case to me?”

Both Bok-gi and Yeseul look shocked, and Sol isn’t surprised. They should be. She was the one who cut off contact with Joon-Hwi after graduation, claiming he didn’t need her to weigh him down, and she was the person who did everything without a single glance backwards, so why was she being so defensive? “It’s not like I don’t want to whine all the fucking time, it’s just that—”

“Whoa, noona swears a lot when it comes to Joon-Hwi hyung, who knew.” Bok-gi says, clapping a hand over his mouth, “have you always been this way, or did this just happen after you found out that you were going up against him?”

Sol scowls, “you’ve been trying to act cute, don’t try that with me, Min Bok-gi.”

Yeseul nods at Bok-gi. Sol scowls again. Traitor.

--

The truth is, she should have known this was coming. Their field doesn’t leave much for anonymity, and even if it did, why did she think it would be so easy to avoid Joon-Hwi? The boy—sorry, man, she supposes she should give him at least that much, they were both in their thirties now—the man was everywhere, the newest rising star in the prosecution. Even her boss, the clueless Park Geun-Tae knew about it, and had requested her to work in a case against him. her, the person who barely passed her law school course at Hankuk. Who has a sister far smarter than her, better than her at all aspects, who really isn’t cut out to be in this profession, something which she’s heard all too often from everyone, and all she wants to do is yell I know, I know, she knows it all.

Which is why, when Han Joon-Hwi approached her after the graduation ceremony, a determined look on his face, she dreaded the words that would come out of his mouth, and instead chose to flee. In retrospect, it wasn’t the best decision, but Kang Sol A isn’t known for making the best decisions.

She still lives with her mother and Byeol in that same house, where Joon had once installed a CCTV camera, which Lee Man-Ho had broken with a well-aimed rock, but the camera is still there, and while Byeol is in middle school now, a big girl, who doesn’t like Sol picking her up from school every day and who is already getting into trouble with that big mouth of hers, and certainly doesn’t need protecting, the camera is still there, and every once in a while, she likes to take a look at it, sipping beer after a long day at work. It’s obviously dysfunctional, but she likes to imagine that Joon-Hwi still takes a look at the camera feed, doing whatever “top secret” things he did.

She sighs, opening the door to their home. I have work to do if I need to beat Joon-Hwi.

--

“Why was I assigned to this case?” Joon-Hwi asks, surprise evident on his face, “I usually take financial dispute cases, this is an attempted murder, and the evidence doesn’t even look solid. Why am I being given this?”

He’s speaking to the wall in his office, and his paralegals are out on break, but he feels as though he should at least vent about this to something, if not someone. He’s supposed to be a star prosecutor, someone who hasn’t lost a single case since they stepped foot into the District Prosecutor’s office. And it’s true, he hasn’t lost a single case since he began working here, spurred on by a desire to both step out from under his uncle’s shadow and to prove himself.

The cases he has handled until now, have all been financial, catching the people who use money to get their way in the world, much like Ko Hyeong-Su, people so entitled to the world that they didn’t consider the rest of them as human beings. He liked bring them down to their level. Hell, he loved it.

But his specialty is not criminal law, and that too, a case that would be difficult for him to win, given that there was very little evidence and whatever he had, would never fly in a court of law. He’s kind of pissed at Prosecutor Lee for giving him the case. No, scratch that, he is pissed at Lee for giving him the case.

Defending lawyer—

Defending lawyer, Kang Sol.

Could it be?

He turns to his computer, and contemplates for a second if he should ask the police officer about the defending counsel, but decides against it. I don’t want to seem like a fool. Which—is correct. He is a fool.

So, he calls up the person who had the case before him, Prosecutor Shin, and tries not to hide the excitement in his words when he asks, “did you meet the defence counsel when you arrested the defendant, Prosecutor?”

“She didn’t have one,” the prosecutor replies, voice scratchy, and he wonders of he did the right thing by disturbing someone who was in the hospital, “we’ve indicted her, but the defence counsel was changed at the last moment, something about the public defender dropping the case. Her new counsel is some young lawyer, although she has a lot of experience.”

A lot of experience. “A lot of experience?”

“Yes,” the voice on the other side cracks, and there’s some commotion in the background, “I remember meeting her in the courthouse once. People call her crazy, the lengths she goes to defend her clients are insane. She’s a good egg though, doesn’t take on cases that she doesn’t like.”

“Hmm, thank you, Prosecutor,” he mumbles, hanging up the phone. So that’s what you’ve been doing all this time, Kang Sol. how long has it been, four-five years? And we’ve never met once, impressive.

He’s suddenly very excited for the initial hearing, even if he knows its going to be nearly impossible to win. But at least he can see her for the first time in years, even if its on the opposite side in a court of law. At least he has that.

—

“You’re being stupid,” Jiho says without much in the way of context, but Joon knows what he’s talking about, “you had to take a case just to meet her? A case you are most likely going to lose? What kind of person does that?”

Joon-Hwi rolls his eyes. Jiho was a good man, but sometimes, he really didn’t know the reason behind things. Or to be more specific, why Joon-Hwi did some things. Still, it was understandable as to why he would behave like this. Neither of them has had any connections with each other over the past five years, missing each other by mere moments at times, and yet, he’s still enamoured by her memory, of the way she used to look at her law books and the way she used to stick her highlighters in her hair, her triumphant smile after she answered something correctly; he remembers everything, and he gets nostalgic sometimes, but such is human nature, one supposes.

“It’s been five years, hyung,” Jiho mutters, pushing the bowl of soup towards him, “isn’t it time you gave up on Sol noona?”

He raises an eyebrow, “I didn’t think you addressed anyone as noona.”

Jiho shrugs, “she’s older than me, so it’s only right. And I did work with her on a case about three—two years ago, and she’s really become good. Or is it all the experience that she has had now, working as a partner at Attorney Park Geun-Tae’s firm, which is unheard of, at her age, but she’s far more competent than him—”

He’s talking, but Joon-Hwi doesn’t register anything anymore, “you’ve worked with her? Together?”

“Hmm?” Jiho mumbles, thrown off his track, “yes, I literally just said that I did, what are you thinking about?”

“No. no, back up a little,” he insists, and Jiho’s confused expression clears when he realises what exactly is Joon-Hwi implying.

“Really? You’re jealous over the fact that I worked with Sol noona? That’s how petty you’ve become now, hyung?” Jiho rolls his eyes, and Joon has the incessant need to just—bury his face in his hands, “you could just give her a call, you know.”

He glares. Jiho nods, “guess not,” and resumes eating. He takes another look at the case file, and sets it down, proceeding to shove food into his mouth. The Japanese restaurant has good food, he does agree, but nothing beats eating too-hot ramyeon at three in the morning with your best friend after you’ve finished reviewing three lectures’ worth of notes together. Crap. He still remembers her as his best friend, even though they haven't had any contact over the past years now. Pathetic.

But self-deprecation isn’t his forte, and he shakes his head at Jiho, who’s determinedly eating, “how’s Sol B doing? Isn’t she going to be a judge?”

“She’s still practicing,” Jiho replies, “her mother wants her to be a judge, although I don’t think Sol wants to do it. She’s happy being a legal scholar. Wants to become a professor at Hankuk later on, if the constitutional law position opens up.” His face has a curiously fond look when he’s talking about her, Joon notices, or perhaps it’s a trick of the light, because Jiho straightens up, “who gave you the case, though?”

“My superior sent it to me because the prosecutor in charge had fallen ill, and had to be taken to the hospital,” Joon-Hwi replies, “it isn’t east for me to win this one, even though—”

“Even though you’ve never lost a single case?” Bok-Gi’s voice almost makes the two of them jump, and Jiho sends a well-aimed smack his way, “so you’re taking noona’s case, are you, hyung?”

Jiho snorts, “he’s losing sleep here.”

“When did I say I was losing sleep?” Joon-Hwi begins to say indignantly, but Bok-gi is still grinning as he slides in beside Jiho, “who told you that, Seo Jiho?”

Jiho doesn’t say anything, so Bok-Gi fills in for him, “hyung, you look terrible. Haven’t you been eating properly?”

Joon-Hwi squints at the other boy, how did he know I haven’t been sleeping well? Does it show on my face? Is it that bad?

“It is that bad, hyung,” Jiho pipes up, “you look like death warmed over.”

“It isn’t that bad, honestly,” Bok-gi says, and promptly shuts up under Jiho’s glare, “jeez, all right, all right, he looks bad. Very bad. Bad with a capital B.”

Joon-Hwi groans. He was supposed to have been handling another financial scam by this time, but he’s now talking to two of his classmates, preparing for a case that he was sure of losing, just to see the girl of his dreams.

Pathetic.

--

It had been two weeks since she had found out that Han Joon-Hwi was going to be the prosecutor for her newly-assigned case, and Sol already felt like she was going to drown amidst a sea of precedents, case studies, and more cases that she needed to read just once, in order to keep her client from getting a guilty verdict. She would have to work harder if she needed to beat him, and had even contemplated asking Professor Yang for help, not that the man would do anything to make her life any easier.

Instead, she settles for the next best thing, calls over Sol B and Yeseul for help, and while Sol B grumbles, Yeseul agrees enthusiastically, even offering to bring over Bok-gi for an extra pair of eyes. Not one to be outdone in anything, Sol B offered to bring over Jiho, who grumbled more than Sol B (if that was possible), but agreed to come along nevertheless, and they all sat in her tiny living room, looking as though they had lived there all their lives, and had helped her with the case, although the boys were more interested in devising ways to make Joon-Hwi lose, as Jiho put it, “noona is our best bet, and he owes me food if he loses.” No one could argue with that, honestly.

Except she feels like drowning, and the trial was only two weeks away.

Stupid Joon-Hwi. Why did he have to take my case? Why couldn’t he just remain in civil law? Why did he have to do this? Why, why, why?

She knew that she was being irrational. He didn’t have much control over the cases he was assigned to, and given the fact that the prosecutor in charge had been admitted to the hospital, she doesn’t think he had any sort of control over what cases he would be assigned to. Still.

You’re being irrational now, a voice that sounds surprisingly like Professor Yang’s pipes up in her mind, you’re being distracted right now, Kang Sol. You won’t win if you’re distracted.

Right. She turns back to her papers, trying her best to push the thoughts out of her mind.

I can’t be distracted.

—

He was distracted.

It wasn’t his fault, perhaps, but Joon-Hwi feels guilty nevertheless, especially as he stares at his two paralegals who are stuck alongside him, working into the night.

He’s been staring at the same picture for the past thirty minutes. In his mind, it qualifies as work, but what sort, he isn’t sure. It’s a picture from their graduation day, the seven of them (Seung-Jae hyung was behind the camera) and Professors Kim and Yang, Yangcrates even had a rare smile, something which he hadn’t ever imagined witnessing, at least not sober. Him with his arm around Jiho, who clearly didn’t want to be dragged into a conversation then, his attention focused on someone else. Sol B, staring straight into the camera, grinning ear to ear. Bok-gi and Ye-beom, the latter gesticulating wildly and Bok-gi just laughing at him, Yeseul with her head thrown back in laughter, and Sol—Sol was radiant, (he laughs at that, radiant, the Greek meaning fitting her like a glove, Sol, the Sun) the way she smiled at the camera, her hand held up in a peace sign. It was an imperfect picture, and he has the final, proper version hung on his living room wall, but it’s the warmest picture he has ever been in.

The trial is the next day, and he should be getting some sleep, but he finds himself staying awake even after his two paralegals have gone home, apologising profusely for leaving him alone, and then he takes out his phone, which has been blowing up with messages from Bok-gi and Jiho, asking to come out with them for dinner. He knows it’s a bad idea, that they would try and get him drunk, or worse, that he would voluntarily get drunk, and showing up hungover at the courthouse isn’t a great idea.

Except… he really wants to do so. It’s like he’s back in university again, trying to find ways to rile Kang Sol up, teasing her, to revel in the way she would get angry with him for cutting short her study times, even though she should have been in bed three hours prior. She would always look at him with that strange sort of expression in her eyes, Joon-Hwi remembers, as if she couldn’t decide whether to hit him or to just kiss him and shut him up.

His phone pings, and it’s a text from Jiho, telling him that hyung, do you want to come out for dinner? Sol’s buying.

He really shouldn’t. even if it had taken him a moment to know which Kang Sol Jiho had been talking about and even then, he couldn’t stop his heart from skipping a beat at the mention of her name, he shouldn’t.

Oi, Han Joon-Hwi, aren’t you a little too old and a little too responsible to be drinking before the day of an important trial?

The voice in his head sounds suspiciously like Sol, not Sol B—Sol A, although he doesn’t know how anyone could confuse themselves between the two—they were as different as light and day, and the one on his mind was not the one who was offering to buy him drinks and dinner. He sighs, texting Jiho a quick apology before he heads out of the office. He needs to be alone tonight, trying to get his thoughts in order before he faced Kang Sol in the courthouse the next day.

Even though he’s sure to lose, he just might win.

--

[butterflymar]

DAY 2: FAVORITE BL DRAMA

I have quite a few... I can’t choose just one so bare with me lol

Life Senjou No Bokura

Synopsis According to MyDramaList: One day after school, the serious Ito and the child-like Nishi meet by chance, as each endeavors to remain walking  on the sidewalk`s white line. As time goes by, Ito recognizes he is drawn to Nishi in a way that is new to him. Nishi, for his part, is frustrated that they only get to meet on the sidewalk. Ito decides to act upon his feelings and kisses a surprised Nishi, who agrees they need to walk side by side for a change. The sparks between them are undeniable as their relationship blossoms in high school, survives the college years, and matures into adulthood. A deeply moving work that bears witness to loving partners, whose unchanging feelings must co-exist within a world of changing realities.

My Personal Thoughts: I already wrote a review for this so I am going to re-share some of those thoughts here. This is one that I have watched countless times already. They went by the manga for mostly all of the episodes and I appreciated seeing that. They gave more context for certain details that may have been lost while reading the manga and translated it to screen. I think they depicted the age gaps well too. For 4 episodes only, I feel that they did a great job including the most important aspects. Actually now that I think of it, I would have loved to see more of them in their early 20s depicted on screen because that was like one of there honeymoon phases and I’m a hopeless romantic lol but that’s just a personal preference not complaining. Also, the show stopped at age 40 and they could have gone on throughout there entire lives but I understand why they chose not too. The manga is great as well!!! I think that the main actors depicted beautiful true love very well. They had amazing chemistry. Japanese BL’s have that special spark about them that I love. I also loved that it showed there relationship from high school till there later years. I don’t see that a lot with BL’s. They usually just stick to one time period. The aspect about them being connected by a line in relation to there love was a nice touch as well. I am glad that it has a happy ending as well. This is a pretty quick one to watch and a great one at that!!! If you haven’t watched it yet, I would highly recommend it!!!

I Told Sunset About You 

Synopsis According to MyDramaList: Teh and Oh-aew were best friends until a boyhood line of reasoning turned them into rivals. Years later as they're preparing for university admissions, both pursuing interests in the field of Communication Arts, the two meet in a Chinese language class. Their reunion awakens complicated and unstable feelings.

My Personal Thoughts: Same as above, I already wrote a review for this so I am going to re-share some of those thoughts here. This is DEFINITELY one of my top BL shows of the year 2020. This is such a beautiful masterpiece of a show!!! I remember when the preview trailer first came out… I was already hooked!!! I was on the lookout for it and it did not disappoint me one bit when it finally started. I looked forward to seeing it every week. It made me feel all of the emotions. I was up here sitting in my room crying over everything. I don’t think any other BL has made me this emotional before in my life. The two lead actors really DELIVERED!!! I could feel every single stare, every single body movement, and every single touch. You could cut the TENSION with a knife!!! No one couldn’t tell me that there wasn’t a magnetic true love between these two. I know this sounds cliche but it's like they were destined to be together from when they were childhood friends. Also, I would love to see them in future projects!!! The cinematography in this show is TOP FREAKIN NOTCH!!! Every single scene is just so beautifully shot. The cinematography alone makes me want to cry lol I saw somewhere that someone said the filming of the show reminded them of an indie film and I totally agree!!! The writing and directing on this show was impeccable to me!!! No cringy dialogue and every single line served its purpose well. This is movie grade writing. I also wanted to quickly just say that I loved the attention and callback to details throughout like with the tutoring book that Teh made for Oh-aew that was left empty by the end of episode 4, the flower that was supposed to be colored the same as Tan’s garment but Teh colored it red because he was thinking of Oh-aew, the rubbing of Oh-aew’s back when he sniffles, the references to Teh’s favorite actor, and the use of Chinese phrases to get meaning across. I could go on and on but wow I just loved how they really connected all of the details throughout. I can’t wait for Season 2!!!

Theory of Love

Synopsis According to MyDramaList: Third is a filmology major and a member of the Savage Team along with his best friends Two, Bone, and Khai, but he has a secret. Third has been secretly in love with Khai for years. For three years, he has kept his secret love in his heart, silently supporting and loving Khai while knowing there is absolutely no future between them since Khai is as straight as a streetlight pole and also an absolute player. To make matters worse, Khai has a "no dating friends" policy. How long can Third love Khai silently while watching Khai bring a different girl home every night? Third has tried to see Khai as just a friend. But has failed time and time again. Because as easy as it is to fall in love, to stop is just as hard.  Maybe even harder. That is until Third learns a secret that breaks his heart completely. But when Third decides to stop, Khai decides to start.

My Personal Thoughts: As sad as this show can make me feel at times, I love rewatching it. I still to this day think that it is one of the most well written BL’s that I have seen. Everything flows nicely and everything connects. Your not left wondering how you got from point A to point B. I thought the show had great character development especially when it came to Khai’s character towards the end of series. I know a lot of people had mixed feelings about his character due to how careless and dare I say stupid he acted at times but if he can make the audience hate him that much as a character... I would say he is doing something right!!! Gun’s acting never fails to amaze me!!! He really is one of the best actors I have seen. I know he had to be drained from all of that crying that he did throughout the show though lol It just goes to show that when you truly love someone you can’t just stop what you are feeling inside that easily no matter how the other person feels about you or treats you. As the old saying goes, love is blind. I also loved the friend group as well and Two and Bones side stories with the teacher and crush from school. They added to the shows greatness and didn’t take away from it. The friendship dynamics throughout the show was I feel something that really kept me engaged. The cast acted well together. There was no awkwardness or hesitation. I feel everyone bought there best for this drama. They incorporated the movie references so cleverly and I love how the title of each episode was the title of a real romance film. Just the overall theme of film was very intriguing to me. This drama left me filled with heartache and a rollercoaster of emotions but the ending is worth it!!!

HIStory3: Make Our Days Count

Synopsis According to MyDramaList: At first glance, high schoolers Xiang Hao Ting and Yu Xi Gu appear to be polar opposites: While Xiang Hao Ting is an outgoing, hot-headed extravert and some-time bully, Yu Xi Gu prefers to keep a low profile and focus on his schoolwork. They seem bound for totally different futures – the bookish Yu Xi Gu looks destined for academic success, while life is just a long popularity contest for Xiang Hao Ting. But a quirk of fate – and a crucial intervention by a female schoolmate – results in the two young men’s paths crossing. But there is more to both young men than first meets the eye. Xiang Hao Ting was not always this way. He started out as a perfect student until he discovered the joys of going off the rails. And Yu Xi Gu has a reason for being so aloof and studious: His parents died in a traffic accident while he was younger, and he is being fostered by his aunt. As such, he works hard to get good grades in an effort to win a scholarship and ease the financial burden on his relatives. Yu Xi Gu also works part-time at a convenience store, where his manager Liu Zhi Gang has developed a crush on a man he has met at the gym. Back at school, meanwhile, Yu Xi Gu and Xiang Hao Ting find themselves drawn together, and passions ignite. The former notices that he has the unique ability to bring Yu Xi Gu out of his shell – and becomes intent on melting his cold-as-ice exterior. What will happen when their two worlds collide? And can love be the catalyst that helps bring these two unlikely students together – as their high school days draw to a close?

My Personal Thoughts: I will stand by this notion for all of my days but this show is one of the best shows I have seen PERIOD!!! Not even best BL shows I have seen but just in general. It highkey saddens me that it is rated at an 8.1 right now on MyDramaList due to how it ended when other than that... it’s a top notch show. This was one that I watched as it was airing and I would get excited to see it every week. My clown self should have known by the title “Make Our Days Count” that some mess was about to occur but I didn’t pick up on it. Now, I just disregard the last episode (WE DON’T KNOW HER!!!). You can just tell that they had a great budget for this series. The production was on point. It had great cinematography, great storylines, and it felt realistic too. The main couples acting was OFF THE CHARTS AMAZING. I loved the whole opposites attract thing going on. Although the show was set in high school... it almost didn’t feel like it nor did it have those typical clichés going on. I liked how it dealt with topic of LGBTQ+ acceptance as well. I wasn’t so sure about the side couples relationship at first but I grew to love them as time went on. One last thing I wanted to point out was that even though I am always looking for a happy ending... I learned from this show that not everyone can get a happy ending. That’s not how life works sadly. In real life, there have been a lot of people who were truly in love and lost there partners tragically. Although it may be hard to accept the outcome, it is something that happens in real life. This is a drama that you appreciate even more as time goes on. It truly is a gem of a series!!!

TharnType

Synopsis According to MyDramaList: Type Thiwat is a handsome freshman with a passion for football and spicy food. Although he’s a friendly boy, he hates gay people because, in his childhood, he was molested by a man. His life turns upside down when the new academic year of college brings along a charismatic roommate, Tharn Kirigun. Tharn is a gorgeous, compassionate music major, who is also openly gay. When Type learns this, he is determined to make Tharn leave the dorm, as he won't live with a gay person. Tharn is equally determined not to give into Type's homophobic tantrums. With a gay guy and a homophobic guy that have to share a small space together for the rest of the year — what can possibly be the outcome of their story? Hatred? Or maybe love?

My Personal Thoughts: *Goes to hide in a corner* I know this drama is problematic and controversial as hell but it’s like a train wreck that you can’t turn  away from. What truly carries the show I feel is the chemistry between MewGulf. I don’t think I would have enjoyed the series as much if other actors were cast in those roles. They just exude confidence, passion, love, and lust. In terms of the storyline, I found it to be a chaotic occurrence of situations where I just had to know what was going to go on next. Everything that occurred had me intrigued for the next episode and so on and so forth. I loved Type’s character development. One quick thing I want to touch on was I know there were a lot of problematic things that happened which I will touch on at a later date but one thing I wish people were more understanding of was Type’s outbursts, thoughts, and feelings in certain situations. He was a victim of sexual assault so I felt the way he handled certain things was in response to what he had gone through as child and I think some viewers kind of missed that and were almost too harsh on him. Everyone processes and deals with trauma differently. This show went through so many twists and turns and I honestly lived for it especially the shocker towards the end of the series. I didn’t see that one coming at all!!! Despite all of its flaws, this show still holds a special place in my heart.

Honorable Mention:

Cherry Magic: As of today, this show has 4 episodes left and I think I am just going to come out and say that THIS IS MY FAVORITE BL OF THE YEAR!!! It’s a beautiful Japanese BL and I rewatch the old episodes while I wait for new ones to come out alot. It’s such a fluffy, heartwarming, and precious Bl series!!! I love it to pieces!!!

[jalebi-weds-bluetooth]

10 Times Arnav Singh Raizada Crossed The Line (Part 1)

Arnav Singh Raizada is our perfect, tortured Mills & Boons hero. Sometimes it’s unfortunate when recent shows have aped his behavior and not the layered characterization that he had. However, sometimes (according to my own opinion) I felt that his character might have crossed the line. 

It’s moments where no explanations justify his behavior. 

Please remember this is all my crazy opinion so feel free to add your own in notes! Oh and don’t worry, a similar list is coming for Khushi as well as they’re truly made for each other. After all, aren’t they our favorite ‘will-they-won’t-they’ idiots?

Tearing the dori.

Arnav Singh Raizada does not apologize.

Blasting at Khushi for pranking, PRANKING him.

Telling Khushi her anklet, their almost kiss & she, does not matter.

Arnav Hypocrite Raizada - forcing an engaged Khushi to confess her feelings when he’s unable to do so.

Reminding Khushi of her broken engagement cause he can’t handle jealousy.

Manipulating & frightening Khushi with Akash & Payal’s divorce papers.

Telling Khushi he ‘faked’ his sickness to get rid of the ‘Swami’ tag.

Refusing to believe Khushi’s version of events.

Becoming Khushi’s landlord and blackmailing her (emotionally and financially) to get her to come back home.

Bonus

Telling Khushi that she does not have the brains, courage nor talent to face the real world.  

#1 “Badtameezi toh maine abhi shuru bhi nahi ki.” (S1, E2)

“I haven’t even started misbehaving.”

First Reaction: No Arnav bitwa, no. That dialogue never has and never will make sense.

What’s wrong with it: 

Almost everything. First of all when someone is in a position to abuse his/her/their position of power and authority, they don’t get to make rules on what counts as misbehavior. Secondly, just because one hasn’t sexually harassed a person does not mean one’s harassment hasn’t been “bad enough”. 

Arnav’s behavior crossed the line the minute you tell Khushi that she and her sister are the kind of women who can easily get another man - and none of us are kids here to know what the thinly veiled insult meant to Khushi & Payal’s character. 

What makes this entire situation problematic is that he accuses her with certainty based on assumptions and Khushi, really, has not warranted any sort of behavior from his end - she actually makes a compelling argument. This kind of a situation, unfortunately, keeps happening in the future where Arnav accuses her based on half truths/assumptions.

Of course there’s a part of me that always wonders what idiots as staff does Arnav have because they; (1) let a newbie go on the ramp (can’t imagine that happening at a Sabyasachi / Manish Malhotra fashion show), (2) are incompetent enough to not be able to procure and verify any information about Khushi.

Track Rewrite: 

First of all, this is perhaps the only terrible moment that I want to leave untouched. It’s perfect. It sounds ludicrous but this level of animosity was required to create a hatred the two had for each other until love and lust suddenly stormed into their thoughts. 

Khushi looks perfectly devastated and Arnav’s anger rises because his fashion show in Lucknow (out of all cities) has been ruined. The less can be said about recent shows where there’s very little logic to the hatred shared between characters.

It establishes that Arnav has been very aware, right from the start, how beautiful Khushi is. And not just the delicate beauty like Payal, but the beauty that can make one lose their path, their calm, their temper and tempt them out of their stupor. 

It’s this opinion that he forms about Khushi that he subconsciously carries for the longest time - (it’s what makes it easier for him to believe Shyam’s version of events because this assumption of a tempting, young, poor woman out to seduce the rich never really leaves his mind).

Head-canon: 

This was the only time Aman Mathur took a vacation. Poor Arnav, he really needed efficient staff. 

Public Service Announcement: 

Ladies and gentlemen, this does not mean that hate, pain and misbehavior is necessary for love to bloom. No, love does not have a template and this is a love story that happens despite the hate, not because of it. 

Also, just so you know that Khushi - or any person - is not responsible for the things that happen to them. If a person’s self respect, dignity or agency is threatened - you go ahead and bash the attacker and not blame the person! *phew*

#2 “Arnav Singh Raizada kabhi kisise maafi nahi maangta.” (S2, E19)

“Arnav Singh Raizada does not apologize to anyone.”

First Reaction: Screw you Raizada! How dare you? Buaji - throw your infamous damned belan over his head! Raizada, do you realise you’re saying this while standing on someone else’s property?

And…

Why do I find it hot that Khushi opens the door to an impatient Arnav who’s dressed as dark as the sky, his temper matching the thunder in the background while they lock eyes? *i need help* when I watched this show for the first time I totally expected another scene like this would occur where Arnav asks her back or confesses his love. Yeah I trusted him enough to make another mistake where Khushi’s left home and he needs to get her back.

What’s wrong with it: 

The things he said to her before he came to her house. The insults he levied on her are based on an accusation which is baseless. We get to know that until Akash’s public proposal to Payal that Arnav never bothered on learning the truth about what happened that night. 

Hence it reveals another trait that Arnav never double checks his assumption until he’s faced with a confronting reality. But, in the length of time he’s gotten to know Khushi until that point - the things he tells her is way out of line. 

And when he reaches her home, slapping that money on her table and insulting her in front of her family… yeah it’s difficult to watch that. Especially after all the Rabba Ve’s they’ve had and his difficulty & helplessness on learning that this same woman was going to leave for Lucknow forever.

Track Rewrite: 

Arnav’s anger is really a projection of his frustration on himself for hurting Anjali and a terrible act of him confirming to himself that money can get him everything - even his sister’s happiness, which he attributes to his ability to get Khushi back into the house using money because he only knows the language of money. 

So my problem isn’t much with him… it’s with Khushi’s inaction. This is one of my least favourite scenes in the show because once Khushi stops (mostly) retaliating to Arnav from this point - she never really retaliates ever again. It’s like they kill that intellectual and mature aspect of Khushi who really knew how to debate (ah, don’t I love the resignation scene and her moment with Lavanya, Sim & Pam in the office).

Of course, Arnav and Khushi argue bucket lots in the future but from this moment on they really amp up Khushi’s silent crying and reduce her logical arguments to her emotions. Hence, if there’s anything I would have changed then I would always give Khushi the final word - the logical final word because who doesn’t like a solid rebuttal.

Quick note; Arnav does amend from saying “women like you” to “people like you”. So there’s a shift from his belief of her being a gold digger (and hence, lack of character) to a middle class greedy person (like his uncle).

Head-canon: 

I believe she doesn’t give Arnav a chance to gloat that he got her back with his money. Hence, the following exchange takes place in my head…

--

Arnav: “Mujhe pata tha tum paise ke liye kuch bhi karogi.”

Khushi: “Hum aap se ek baat kahe? Aap ghalat hai.”

Arnav: “No, main tum jaiso ko achi tarah se jaanta hai.”

Khushi: “Haan, shayad aap hum jaiso ko jaante hai. Par humein nahi. Aur rahi baat humara yaha aake kaam karne ka, toh humein nahi lagta ki humein kisi ko bhi safai deni ki zaroorat hai. Khaas kar ki aapko.”

- -

Arnav: “I knew you’d do anything for money,”

Khushi: “You know what? You’re wrong.”

Arnav: “I’m not. I know people like you.”

Khushi: “You may know people like me, but not me. And as far as me choosing to work here, I don’t find it necessary to give anyone any explanation. Especially you.”

--

Public Service Announcement/Crazy thought: 

The old 500 rupee notes are banned post demonetization. So don’t use those notes.

Check out my crazy version of this episode. 

#3 “Di isse sorry bolne ki koi zaruri nahi hai. Yeh aapki naukar hai.” (S3, E1/E2)

“Di you don’t have to apologise to her. She’s your servant.”

First Reaction: Oh no you didn’t… you didn’t!

What’s wrong with it: 

I think it gets on my nerves how rude he is and that he constantly measures her to her financial and societal status. And all of this is because she pranked him. Like she literally put sugar crystals in his petrol tank, changed his phone ringtone to a silly item number and put juice in his shoes. And he responds to that with some pretty damaging words. He literally tells her that lying and cheating is in her blood. 

Yikes! Flashback time Arnav - when she just alluded how he would feel if his sister’s marriage broke he tore her strings, and he legit just insulted her parents. All because she played some childish pranks. 

I have to say Khushi does put up a good fight, for most of it, and I love Anjali trying her best to intervene but yes… the way Arnav just flares up here - he crosses quite a few lines (hence I am not at all sorry when Khushi flings the hot tea on him, sorry I’m a sadist). I think his continuous push to show his authority, superiority over her is not really healthy. 

And that last Rabba Ve (although the tune is beautiful) which is evoked by her tears, and previously evoked by the impressions of his fingers around her wrist, gives a very wrong message to the public.

Track Rewrite: 

I never, ever want to change their essential characteristic. I’m pretty satisfied when he’s literally burned after he’s burned her with his words. Karma always gets him...

But, I really wouldn’t mind a strong, confident, and angry “ENOUGH” from Khushi as well. Or even a quiet, deadly, whisper of an “enough” that would stop his nonsensical tirade. It’s important for him to know when he’s crossed the line, before Khushi starts crying.

Really, it wouldn’t hurt if he was taken aback by her burst of anger or the threat of anger instead of tears (remember the Guesthouse incident… he was turned on by her fury, and then he simmered down and felt guilty - that’s a good cycle to follow when there’s an argument. No, not always the turn on side but the ability to give both the parties anger).

Because of late there seems to be an obsession of male heroes getting the ability to insult their “soulmates” and then stopping because of her tears and then never following it up with an apology. There’s a lot of context in the case of Arnav and Khushi… but I always relish when he’s flabbergasted and silenced by her retaliated anger more than anything else (cue, the resignation scene again).

Head-canon:

Arnav: “Di you don’t have to apologise to her, she’s your servant-”

Khushi: “-enough.” / or / “ENOUGH!”

Arnav and Anjali stand, silenced by Khushi’s anger.

Khushi (to Arnav): “Do yourself and your status a favour. Don’t open your mouth. Especially in front of me. I may fall before your eyes, but you dig yourself a grave.”

Khushi walks away, leaving Arnav stunned.

---

Arnav: “Di isse sorry bolne ki koi zaruri nahi hai. Yeh aapki naukar hai-”

Khushi: “-bas.” / or / “BAS!”

Arnav and Anjali stand, silenced by Khushi’s anger.

Khushi (to Arnav): “Aap apne aap aur apne aukaad pe ek ehsaan kijiye. Apna muh mat kholiye. Khaas karke humare saamne. Shayad hum aapke nazro main gir jaate hai, par aap toh khai khodke apne aap ko giraate hai.”

Khushi walks away, leaving Arnav stunned.

--

Too harsh? Too unlike Khushi? Sorry, I’ve been watching that scene on repeat way too many times and I may have vented out a bit - it gets crazier when I list out Khushi’s antics!

Public Service Announcement: 

Don’t break laptops or play pranks on people who might explode on you. Also, don’t waste mango juice on pranks - it’s delicious consumed. Probably that’s why Arnav was angry - one, he cannot drink mango juice due to his diabetes, and two, she wasted it on shoes!

#4 “Mere liye uss baat ki, ya tumhari, koi ehmiyat nahi hai.” (S3, E40)

“For me, that [the almost kiss], or you, don’t mean a thing to me.”

First Reaction: YES THAT’S WHY YOU KEEP ON THINKING ABOUT IT! LIKE OF COURSE BABUA ALWAYS SAYS THE TRUTH AND SAYS THE THINGS HE MEANS. LIKE OF COURSE YOU DID NOT INITIATE THE KISS OR PRESERVE HER ANKLET IN THE KHUSHI SHRINE OF YOURS! What the fu-dge Babua, literally?

What’s wrong with it:

Actually nothing. I just want to mentally slap him, that’s it. This needs to happen. Because honestly at this point of their relationship if this hadn’t happened - if they had kissed, chosen to break up with their partners (more like Khushi absolutely refusing to get engaged and even end up giving an ultimatum to her family) - then they would technically end up together and the most unhealthy point of their relationship.

Arnav is not at all ready for marriage but he would say yes because it’s the only way Khushi would be with him? Khushi, although in love with Arnav, still really has no actual reach to his depth and emotions. 

And really all her fantasies of Arnav are really fantasies, she loves him for what he evokes in her more than what he truly is. He is unable to get her out of his system. It would be a bad place to begin a relationship.

So although nothing is wrong with this scene and it’s like a bitter pill that needs to be swallowed, I still want to say he crossed a line by reinstating that she means nothing to him even though he led her on the entire foreplay of a Diwali. And like… wow, he’s asking what he means to her after he just declared that he’s going to get engaged to his longtime girlfriend who is also now Khushi’s closest friend? Like why… why would Khushi tell you what you mean to her?

Track Rewrite: 

I would rewrite Buaji’s pressure on Khushi. It’s regressive, painful and terrible to watch. I know it’s necessary… and if not rewrite this scene then I would just add a scene in the future where Buaji truly apologises for ruining her dearest Sanka Devi’s life. She owed this at least and it would be nice to see elders recognize their own mistakes at times.

Head-canon: 

Lavanya is in a happy relationship with NK <3.

Public Service Announcement: 

If you have a difficulty in saying what you want to say, enroll in Jalebi Teaches Feelz Expression classes.

#5 “I hope tumhe koi farak nahi padta.” (S4, E8 - S4, E14)

“I hope it means nothing to you / I hope it doesn’t affect you / I hope it doesn’t make a difference to you.” It = me, Arnav, our relationship (or whatever it is).

First Reaction: wherefore art thou asking questions yond thee cannot answ'r?

What’s wrong with it: 

This is where Arnav’s moralities really turn grey. Over here any affection, concern or committment to Lavanya is literally forgotten. Almost possessed, Arnav has three goals; 

(1) Make Khushi admit what he himself cannot admit - that he, them, everything matters to her (2) Prove to Khushi she won’t find a better match than him, that he’s her equal and he’s the only one who can provide for her and give her everything she desires (3) Make her breakup with her undesirable and unworthy fiance (he hasn’t met him but he just knows that her fiance does not deserve Khushi and I have to agree with Arnav, he’s right) and probably end up getting engaged with him.

The epic part of the Raizada plan is - he doesn’t have an idea what would happen if Khushi actually gives a farak. It’s not that Arnav is right or justified, he just stands the way he has always been - in all his fifty thousands shades of grey (not I’m not a fan of that book, pleej no).

Track Rewrite: 

A bit more time for Arnav, Lavanya, his apology and their break up. I love it that he does it instantly, but I also wish he spent more time talking to Lavanya. Just some more Arnav/Lavanya scenes, we really never got to see more of their friendship and her understanding.  

As far as everything else, Khushi’s inner battles and silence is really amazing - it’s what gives her dignity and it’s her self preservation. Arnav is redeemed by the fact that he genuinely is Khushi’s soulmate and he can feel her distress and is the only one who accurately senses that Khushi might have been pressured to agree to this marriage. Who knows Khushi cannot live in a loveless marriage. It’s something he can now guarantee, after a whirlwind of denial.

Although his actions are dubious, he’s the only one who senses the lack of joy and passion. So, rather terribly, he tries to put it across that he can fulfill her needs.

This comes to a halt when Payal refuses Akash in the first proposal. It sheds light on his earlier mistake and he realises that he has been wrong about Khushi all along (so he does not bring up her financial/societal status in insults post the event because Khushi really did end up in fashion show by mistake and more than that - her sister’s marriage did break because of him - not until the hate marriage).

And he realises his error with Lavanya that brings him out of this “I need to possess Khushi” phase.  

So I liked that we saw the ugliest side of their love, the irrational jealousy and demand of possession. And I love that Khushi did not budge in, no matter how much it hurt.

Head-canon: 

Lavanya knew all about it. Hence, she never holds Khushi responsible and instead guides Arnav to making better decisions. 

Also, Khushi went through a similar, crazed phase. Except we never see it because Khushi grows increasingly quiet when her heart is suffering. She uses words to express and choses silence when she does not want to acknowledge.

Public Service Announcement: 

Remember, it’s a good thing that they show us the unhealthy and healthy phase of a relationship between two people who love each other. This phase was decidedly toxic between Arnav and Khushi - when love is jealous, causes pain, is insensitive, is madness - see the signs and don’t go in deep when it’s at this phase. Every love has its time to mature and grow. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

Read Part 2

[bluephoenixdruidicprincess]

Legacies 1x10, There's A World Where Your Dreams Come True -- Review

Welcome to another review of Lega-Trash. This is 1x10, There's A World Where Your Dreams Come True...but really, it should be called Worship Hope Because No One Would Be Happy Without Her...so yeah, if you know my feelings on Hope, I think you can gather how much I despise this episode.

This is going to be an honest review of my thoughts and feelings regarding Legacies, the spin-off of a spin-off that should never have come to pass. But here we are. I'm not a fan of this show, have never pretended to be one, so if you're looking for Legacies positivity, this is not the place for you. Move along, this is not meant for you. I'm very critical about this show. Keep in mind, these are my thoughts and feelings about this mess of a show. Opinions are never right or wrong. I'm not telling you how to think and feel. You don't have to agree with my opinions but I would ask that you respect them, please. Also, spoilers for the episode so if you haven't seen the episode yet, watch the episode and then come back...otherwise, read at your own risk. But let's be real, here. I'm sure my followers who end up reading this have no desire to watch this show and use my ramblings in these reviews as a substitute for actually watching the show...those selfish jerks -- just kidding, I love all my followers and please, only watch the show if you really want to; I'm making a sacrifice watching this trash show so you don't have to.

You know, it's real funny on how Lizzie was in the spotlight this entire episode, but somehow Hope always ended up being the focal point. This episode essentially exists to say, "Hope is the best and she brings light and joy to everyone" ...which hasn't exactly been my experience with her, but whatever. And we're also meant to see in this episode that Lizzie is just the absolute worst because she dares to want things...I know, the horror. And again with this episode, this show continues its trend of having a character with bipolar disorder and yet having no idea how to help that character or properly treat it. I swear, I feel like JP got treatment plans for bipolar disorder based off of watching old Degrassi episodes and bipolar medication commercials. There are different types and subtypes of bipolar disorder. And not all treatment options work for everyone. As an individual, sometimes the medication works really well, but in others, sometimes they benefit more with cognitive therapy. And let me tell you, if I have to hear one more time in this show, characters calling Lizzie "crazy" or making high-handed comments about her being medicated, I'm going to cut a bitch (JP being the bitch in this scenario). I HATE how this franchise continues to use mental illness as a weapon against the villains who are affected by it. Lizzie's bipolar disorder is constantly used as a means to belittle her in some way and it's absolutely despicable. But rant over. Let's talk about what happened in this episode. It's fine if characters want to dislike Lizzie, but stop using her own disorder as a weapon against her.

Lizzie and Josie come back from their vacation in Europe and Lizzie is very angry with her father because apparently he missed the message about picking the girls up at the airport and they had to get their own means of transportation back home. Hope is also there and immediately retorts that the girls should cut Alaric some slack as the school's dealing with some big shit right now. And I don't know, I mean, yeah Alaric was busy but also, your teenage girls being left to take a shuttle bus home from an airport terminal, that seems kind of dangerous. I know that when I was 16, no way in hell would my father allow me to procure my own means of transportation home. There's a lot of messed up people out there, the streets aren't exactly safe and since typically airports normally reside in very urban areas where crime is high, urban areas are even less safe. I mean, sure, Josie and Lizzie are witches and can take care of themselves but their magic is siphon magic. Meaning, if they don't have an outside source of magic to suck in, they're as vulnerable as a regular human. And plus, Alaric and Hope are missing the point of why Lizzie is mad. Lizzie is mad that once again she and Josie are being played second fiddle next to Hope when it comes to their father. She feels, once again, that her father doesn't love her as much as he loves Hope. And also, regarding the urn, why is it still in this school full of children? If the past episodes have been any inclination, the students are not safe with these objects around. For crying out loud, put the urn in the Lockwood mansion and set up a trap, there. Stop needlessly endangering these children.

Josie is all understanding of the situation because she's dull and boring and has no personality and JP has no idea what to do with her. Honestly, I can't wait until this whole Gemini curse comes into affect, because maybe, just maybe, Josie might actually do something that's interesting.

Lizzie stalks off to her room and makes a wish that she wishes Hope had never come to the school. But a genie shows up -- and it's actually pronounced jini here, there was a whole annoying bit about the pronounciation -- the genie grants Lizzie's wish and takes her to an alternate world where Hope had never come to the school. And it starts off perfectly happy. Instead of training Hope at ths docks, Alaric's actually training Josie and Lizzie and Lizzie is so happy about this, this is everything she ever wanted...which is essentially her father to love her and put her and Josie first. But she then realizes the world isn't perfect. She sees the school is falling a part because it's not really making a whole lot of income. And the idea to all of this is because without Hope, recruiting is difficult. Don't ask me how having more students in this private boarding school that you don't actually pay to attend is supposed to be better off financially. Its JP logic, don't think about it too much, she needs to tell the audience how special and perfect Hope is and how wrong we are for despising her and calling her a self-insert. But Lizzie knows the tracking spell Hope used and we use that to find recruits for this school. They see a huge dot on the map in New Orleans and we find out that its Hope. So there's the loophole in the first wish. Lizzie wished Hope hadn't come to the school, she didn't wish that Hope wouldn't ever. So Hope comes to the school and Josie talks about how happy their father has become with Hope in his life now...and I'm just like, "Why?" Why does Alaric have more joy for Hope than his own daughters...and also, eww.

But anyway, Lizzie's all screw this world and she makes another wish that the boarding school never existed. Basically, some drama between Lizzie and Josie occurs, Alaric is a drunk history teacher and when Lizzie accidentally loses control and her powers go off, Hope Mikaelson and her team of X-Men arrive not necessarily to get the girls out but because they need Alaric to be the headmaster for the Mikaelson boarding school. Why it's a good idea for a drunk history teacher to be a headmaster? Again, JP logic, best to not think about it.

But third wish is that Hope had never existed which basically creates an apocalypse world. Apparently Klaus loses everything and turns his humanity switch off and goes on a murder spree with Caroline and this causes magic to be hunted down in this apocalypse world. Again, don't ask me why Klaus turned off his humanity considering if Hope was never born he wouldn't have rekindled his relationship with his siblings in the first place, therefore he would have nothing to lose and thereby still being a douche but a douche with his humanity on. And also, don't ask me why Caroline went on this murder spree with him. Even when her humanity was turned off, she wasn't really a murderer. She did bad things, certainly, but they were far from the realm of psychopathic murdering, that was never who she was even with her humanity off. Basically, JP is such a lazy writer that she can't really be bothered to go into specifics on how these worlds all came to be and instead she uses vague statements and hopes her audience will buy it and not think too closely about it. But Lizzie finds out the Salvatore boarding school is now a resistance movement and it's also revealed here that Josie is dead and Lizzie was the one to kill her because Alaric kept the secret about the Gemini coven from them. Lizzie is understandably destroyed emotionally from hearing this news and is equally distressed when she realizes she's used all three of her wishes so she's stuck in this world. But the genie shows up and tells her she actually has one more wish. Genies, I guess, grant 4 wishes in TVD universe...convenient, I know. But the genie tells Lizzie if Lizzie wishes the urn to be in the genie's hand, Lizzie will go back to her own world. Lizzie refuses to do that because even though Lizzie can be extremely selfish and self-absorbed, she also has a very interesting aspect of selflessness to her as well. And this is why I adore Lizzie. She's not afraid to want things. She's not afraid to go after the best, to go after what she wants but also she does care alot about others as well. She constantly worries she'll lose control and her powers will hurt someone so she works extremely hard to keep her temper in check, in the second episode, when the school is attacked by a gargoyle, she could've used the time to run away but instead she uses the magic to seal the gargoyle in the school so it can't attack any of the normal humans in Mystic Falls. She's selfish, sure, but she also cares about the world as well. Now granted, this show definitely paints Lizzie as a bad person in her selfish elements and it's such a double standard. There's these old-fashioned societal views that women who are selfish are seen as ugly but yet men who are selfish such as with Damon and Klaus, are revered as being complex. I've said it before, I'll say it again, JP is not a feminist, Lega-Trash is not a feminist show. But Lizzie realizes a way around the genie's request. She essentially wishes the genie free because JP doesn't write her own shit and instead, copies off of everyone else. Lizzie wishes the genie had never met the being that sent her to Malivore. But there's a catch to this wish. This would also mean technically Lizzie never met the genie so she's going to forget all of this but these experiences are still going to be etched in her soul and it's most likely going to drive Lizzie crazy. So the genie grant's the wish, Lizzie goes back to her own world, she's forgotten everything, but feels a need to hug Josie but doesn't understand why. The episode ends with her talking about these feelings she doesn't understand why she has with Pedro, the little kid we see periodically in this series.

Basically, this episode was just all about telling us how super special and super important Hope is. And it's also really disgusting how Alaric's happiness is completely contingent on Hope. I also noticed that this episode had a lot of similar elements to this week's episode of Supernatural. Meeting alternate versions of yourself, forgetting experiences you had but still kind of remembering them...I mean, maybe it's a coincidence but I also can't forget a couple episodes ago where they tracked Landon's mother to Lawrence Kansas which is something that's also a part of Supernatural lore. So yeah, coincidence? Maybe. But coupled with the fact that JP has been very forward with wanting Legacies to be the next Supernatural...I don't think it's a coincidence. This episode gets a C-. I didn't like its content, but structurally, it was alright.

[thatbangtanbloom]

cinder | jjk [2]

Cinder(kook)

1 2 

Characters: Jungkook x Reader, Taehyung, Seokjin, Jimin, Namjoon

Categories: Fluff, Angst

AU(s): Disney!AU, Historical!AU, Royalty!AU 

Word Count: 5, 662

Sypnosis: AU in which Jungkook is literally Cinderella, minus the pretty blue dress and glass slippers. Cinderkook wears Timberlands.

Ringing, like that of a large golden bell, is what awakens your slumber every morning in your quarters of the royal palace. Days passed as each new rising sun reminded you of the rapidly approaching ball you would hold. For the most part, you did not even wish to hold it. It writes your fate in the stars – your parents will find a prince (or even a King if one is at war) acceptable for your hand in marriage and promptly sign you over once the period of 'courtship' is over, wed within three sunrises, and lastly, begin the process of producing an heir as quickly as possible. The very thought of it leaves a strong distaste within your mouth.  

You do not want this.

"Your royal highness," Your Royal Advisor, Park Jimin of Busan, addresses you with a frown adorning his Cupid's bow. His tone is soft and sweet, much different from the harsh noises that emit from your father, and he makes haste to keep up with your stomping feet. "You cannot simply jump and leave as you wish. You have Palace Management, Ethics, crocheting -"

Your breath is hitching, making you nearly go insane with all of the logistics that Jimin relays to you. You squeeze the tulle of your dress in your hands and stomp towards Jimin, ignoring the small height difference between the two of you. "I do not care nor do I wish to, if I were, to be frank." You quip as you glance at Jimin. "And please, Jimin, do not speak to me as though I am my father! I am so tired of being bred to merely give over my kingdom the moment a prince waltzes in that my parents deem acceptable. It is my life and as the only heir to the throne, I should have a say to what I want my legacy will be-"You pause, watching as Jimin's features contort into that of disdain; with furrowed brows and pursed lips as though he has heard these words a thousand times from you, and the honest truth is that he has.  

"You have not been taught to do that, your royal highness," Jimin says, keeping his eyes to the ground because it was unworthy of a royal advisor, a man of no royal blood or lineage to look into the eyes of the princess. The very proclamation makes your blood burn and you fight the urge to make him look at you. "You are to be a product of your people, by the people, and for the people. When you are a princess, you are not expected to make choices that are best for you. You must not be a subjective ruler, but an objective one."  

You step closer to Jimin, brows furrowing together at his words. Every part of you loathes what you see in front of you; a man barely older than you with the ideals of prestige and hierarchy ingrained into every aspect of his gold seamed clothes to the platinum of his cufflinks. You hate, hate, hate it.  "And what makes you think that I am unable to do that? Because I am a woman?" You yell, knowing the impracticality of your actions but you can not, you will not, and shall not be overlooked merely for your sex.

The calmness of Jimin's voice is what breaks your thoughts, "You are unable to do that because you are not trained to do so." He replies, frowning in response. "Your royal highness, I understand that you do not wish to marry nor do you wish to have your crown shared when you become queen, but do not take your frustrations out on me. I am merely an advisor. Please do not think otherwise."

It drives you insane that he does not dare to look up once.  

"Your Royal Highness..." Jimin murmurs your title in the softest tone that he can muster as he keeps his eyes locked on the ground. There it is again, the insanity driving you upset that he does not even dare to say your name in his presence.  

You shake your head, "Look at me, Jimin."  

"It is not something that I can do, your royal highness," He repeats to you. His brown orbs stay locked to the ground. Despite the sophisticated façade that Jimin holds on to, you can not help but see the juvenility of his actions.  

This, in turn, makes you grimace before turning on your heels to storm to the horse stables.

"Y-your royal highness!" The words tumble out of Jimin's mouth haphazardly as he follows behind you like that of a lost puppy. "I-it is not the time for you to attend the stables or have lessons.... that is not for another two sunrises--"

You ignore the words of your Royal Advisor as you grasp the saddle onto your horse and smooth it down before tying it gentle enough to not hurt your horse, Verre, but still tight enough to be secure before getting onto the horse without warning. "I will do as I please, Royal Advisor," You quip to the red-headed male before lightly signaling Verre to walk off. "I will return before crocheting. You need not fret," are your last words to Jimin before you take off to the hunting grounds of the Royal Court.  

The fresh smell of hay greets Jungkook as he rolls up the sleeves of his beige, tattered shirt. The sweat beads on his forehead and he sighs to himself a monstrous sigh at the realization of how much work he would have to complete to even have Ms. Kim think of allowing him to go to the ball. It was laughable, was it not? Hell, even Jungkook knew he had no chance of attending the ball.

"I just wish.." He murmurs to himself, as his hand digs deep into the bag of poultry feed to feed the chickens. He ignores the grainy feeling that the poultry gives him and sighs as he tosses it into the quarters of the chicken coop. "Nevermind," He says aloud to himself as he kneels down to feed the oldest chickens first and then for the youngest. "It's foolish to even think about when I have so much work to complete..."

As though they understood him, the chickens file in for their habitual meal. A majority do not even glance at him in acknowledgment for bringing food, instead, they peck at the ground eagerly to eat. Their careless actions make Jungkook smile at the thought. He wishes that he too, could be that carefree.  

Being carefree was not a characteristic, let alone an action for him when his stepmother and his two stepbrothers often forced him into doing all of the housework. It used to be, for Jungkook though, before his mother (and then later, his father) died. He remembers waking up early mornings to hear his mother sing as she did the housework with his father; sitting on a stool in the middle of the kitchen while he eagerly watched his mother and father dance and swearing to himself that he would find that too with the one he loved one day.

You.  

At the thought of you holding his red ball when he was so young, his cheeks flush pink to remember such an archaic memory. Had his life been that eventful that he still longed to see you after all of these years? It was not as though he was incredibly in the dark of how you looked, he only remembered hearing hushed murmurs of your beauty and your peculiar attitude when he went to town to buy bread for the family when Taehyung and Seokjin found his own bread insufficient. Though, every part of him still longed to see you, talk to you once more... He felt (for some inexplicable reason) that you were the last tie to what he had of his parents; the fact that you had the only thing that his mother bought him that was not tarnished made his heart churn more.

It was dumbfounding how silly a red ball could be.  

"I must be going insane," He laughs to himself as he finishes tossing the poultry feed to the rooster and hens before turning on his heels to feed the pigs and then the horses.  

The farm that Jungkook often tended too was not large, it never was intended to be, in the two hundred years his family's ancestors resided there. They were a family of merchants, only using the farm as a way of subsistence, not as a mean to alleviate any financial problems.

"I have been here too long... too long here, at a trapped place," He says to no one particular, because he knows no one will respond to him when he thinks aloud like this, and he is thankful. More than often, Jungkook found himself talking alone to the animals as though they could understand him. It seemed that they had a greater capacity for understanding human emotions more than his own supposed family ever did. And as though speak of the devil, the all too familiar screech of his stepmother meets his ears.

"Oh, Cinderkookie!" Comes the cry from the window of his step mother's room. "Please bring the tea when you see me." Jungkook immediately feels distaste at the nickname that he earned from sleeping near the fireplace when the attic was too cold for him. Why did his misfortunes have to become his name? It troubles him to no end, but despite this trouble, he knows better than to keep Ms. Kim from waiting. More than anything, he knows that waiting is not something that she particularly enjoys doing.

"Yes, stepmother?" Jungkook asks in a soft tone once he arrives into the dining room, green tea in hand as he does his best to not trip over the evil cat Lucifer that he knew loathed with a passion. At the sight of the cat, the scar on his cheek aches.

Ms. Kim sits perched on the chaise with a porcelain blue stamped teacup accompanying her. Despite being rather young, she looks old for age; this being a sign of her old and cruel ways. "Why did it take you so long to answer me?"  

"S-stepmother, I was busy feeding the cattle." Jungkook stammers, wishing as though he could make himself smaller under her dark, glowering eyes that wish to bury him alive, just to never see the reminder of his mother or father. "You asked me to do that just an hour ago while I was finishing mending Taehyung and Seokjin's suits for the reception and beginning to clean the kitchen-" He rambles nervously, anxious to get out of her sight and to return back to work. It felt as though his only solace was in working.  

"And it is taking you until now to do that?" She asks, raising her voice at him with a perk of her brow. The sound of their mother's voice makes Taehyung and Seokjin both glance into the room with anticipation. It was rare that their mother raised her voice despite her short temper. She preferred to say calm. "Why is it that you can do nothing right, Cinderkook? Why does it take you an hour to clean the kitchen, mend the clothes, and feed the cattle?" She stands up, taking two steps forward in front of Jungkook.  

Jungkook swallows, keeping his eyes on the ground and nods. "Y-yes, I know this but I can only do so much without any help. Stepmother, I am trying my hardest-"  

"Do you know how much I have sacrificed for you? I could have easily discarded you to an orphanage, but me being the kind woman I am, I did not! You could have become a thug, a street dweller, a whore but I saved you from that! Especially when you look just like your mother – a whore!"  Ms. Kim screams at Jungkook, making his head jolt up in an instant at her words.  

Jungkook swallows, his shoulders trembling at her words at the mere mention of his mother, "Do not speak about my mother... she taught me to always have the courage and be kind even in the face of those who oppose me. You can talk ill of me, but please not of my mother." His voice nearly cracks at the memory of his mother; with her long black hair and breathtakingly welcoming brown almond eyes. He remembers seeing her for the last time when he was thirteen, how sweetly she caressed his cheek and told him to always be gentle and kind in a world that wishes to make you hard.  

"Do not speak of that whore to me!" She yells before raising her hand to slap Jungkook forcefully. The impact is sudden and quick – like a white heat cutting into his skin at once. The sound of palm hitting skin ricochets throughout the room and Jungkook stumbles back at the force. Ms. Kim had never raised her hand to him before. Taehyung and Seokjin look on in pure shock at her actions.  "I could have forsaken you but I did not! You should be grateful that I let you continue to live here after your parents' death. Remember my words, Jungkook, you have never been a member of this family and never will be, so do not act as though you are entitled to anything here."  

At her harsh words, Jungkook's entire body trembles. He finds it hard to breathe at the mention of his dead mother and father and he can already feel himself lose control. Who did she think she was to scorn his parents in such a way? In a such a fashion?  

Jungkook stares at her, heart rattling against his rib cage and his stomach falling. Was that how she truly felt? Was all that he had truly gone? He takes in the vision of her – of his stepmother in the clothes that his father bought, standing on the floor his father died for, and shakes his head. Every part of him wanted to hate her – he truly did – she took and took from his father every ounce of kindness, forgiveness, and happiness that he could have had all for her own and her two sons – and every part of Jungkook wanted to hate this woman for it. But he could not.  

"Hate should never be a last resort, Kookie," His mother says as he lays his head in her lap. She leans down to kiss his raven hair and strokes it with a sigh, "Love is what conquers all. It changes anything and everything, but to find love, you must have faith and be kind. Do not forget that, my little prince."  

Jungkook stares at his stepmother and forces himself to smile, despite feeling the white-hot stinging of his cheek and the small speck of blood that trickles down his right cheek – the same cheek that Lucifer had scared so many years ago – and stands tall. He does not say another word, nor does he look around the living room that once fostered love and togetherness that now houses materialistic things and only walks back to the kitchen to continue his duties. His only solace.  

But did it have to be?  

Jungkook does not know how or why, but he finds himself running to the horse stables and ushering out his own horse, Gureum, for him to ride. He knows he can not and will not run away, but if he can only get away for a few moments, he will. And with that, Jungkook hoists one leg up over the horse, frowning at the tattered beige shirt under his blue overalls and signals to Gureum to take off.  

The fresh smell of grass from the early morning dew meets Jungkook's senses as he rides deeper and deeper into the plains and nears the forest. When he was younger, his mother and father often rode out to the empty plains to show him how beautiful untouched nature was. It almost felt as though it was his own kingdom, where he was king, where he could make his own decisions. He found comfort that he could not see anything for miles, except the forest. When he was younger, he often remembered saying that his kingdom extended for miles and miles; that every place where the sun would set was where his kingdom both began and ended. It was his secret place.

So for him to see you, riding your own horse in his sacred plains confused him greatly – especially since he looked as though you were not the type of girl to be of a horse of that stature and size.

"Miss! Miss!" He calls out to you, eyes shaking worriedly at how fast you seem to be approaching the forest. He signs Gureum to move faster through the green and brown maze; oak and cherry blossom trees align and misalign to make a fostered forest. "Miss!" He yells as he urges Gureum to go faster with a gentle kick of his heels, wind slapping his cheeks and branches looming overhead, and grips one of the reigns of your horse.

Though at his attempts to try to stop the horse, Verre abruptly rises up, knocking you off of the horse and to the ground. At the constant calling and sudden fall, you are taken away from your thoughts of plotting a makeshift rebellion against the patriarchy of your own society and turn to face Jungkook with scrutinizing eyes.  He immediately jumps down from his own horse, in his worn beige Timberlands, and reaches down to help you up, which you take considering you were still dizzy. Who dared to call you by something other than your royal title? Had he not known who you were. "What are you doing?"  

"Miss! You were going so fast, I was worried you would crash." He comments in a shaky tone. Jungkook can see you judging him with the cinders dotting his cheeks and the evident wornness of his overalls and torn shirt. This makes him feel self-conscious.  

You scoff at him before pulling yourself back onto your horse and glance down at this raven-haired stranger with curiosity lacing your eyes. You could not understand why, but a part of you felt as though you had met him before, as though in a past life or a long time ago. Something about him intrigues you. You clear your throat as you stare into his big doe eyes and clear your throat, "Verre would not have been going so fast if you had not been going so fast like a madman! He was frightened," You tell him, suddenly reminded of how gently this stranger holds your hand and the sincere empathy in his eyes. No one had ever looked at you like that before. "You should be more careful. Sir, what do I call you?"  

Jungkook flushes at your blunt attitude. The only women he had ever been around was his mother and his stepmother, and he was for certain that you were like neither of them. He lets go of your hand when he sees you watching him with intent eyes before forcing himself to crawl back onto his own horse. Gureum begins to circle around your horse and you.  

His first thought to tell you is Cinderkook, rather than his own name, because he barely recognizes himself anymore.  "Nevermind what they call me." He chokes, cheeks flushing. He swallows at the sight of you in your dress – he can note where the corset begins and ends and he forces himself to not look too long. Was it painful to wear that? "You know... you should not be this deep in a forest alone."

As though in a play, your own horse begins to follow Gureum in a circle as well and you smile cheekily at him. "I am not alone. I am with you."

This marks Jungkook's own heart beat in triple time at your sly words. Were you always this charming? "Miss... what do they call you?" He does not know why, but he wants to know everything about you. He promises himself that he wants to know more than just your name, but about where you are from, what you like to eat, where you wish to go and all your aspirations – he wants to know about your mornings and why you sigh.  

This question makes you laugh as your brows furrow, "You do not know who I am?"  

Jungkook's eyes widen in confusion and he tilts his head. Was he supposed to know? He promises himself that he will ask around the next time he is in the village buying bread.  

"That is... they call me Charming." You reply with a small laugh of amusement. It had been a nickname bestowed upon you sarcastically, but it did hold true to some extent.  

"And where do you live, Miss Charming?" Jungkook asks, drinking in as much of you as he can muster. Had he ever seen anyone so beautiful with an interesting personality accompany it? He swears not and he knows that he is right.

"The palace, of course." You reply, deciding to play along with this façade. Did he truly not know that you were a princess? "I am learning the trades from my father. Therefore, I live in the palace."  

Jungkook's eyes marvel at the sight of you, "You're an apprentice!" He exclaims, suddenly all the more interested. He had never known a woman to work at the palace. The idea makes him smile in content. "Is hunting a part of it?"

"Of the sorts, yes," you reply, finding his innocence alluring. It could almost pass for a degree of naivete. "Are you hunting for game?"

He shakes his head, "As much as I could, I do not wish. I do not want to hurt anything or anyone."

Perhaps he was a prince doing hunting? You wonder if he were one to receive an invitation to the ball. He did not look familiar in the slightest – perhaps he was from a neighboring country.  "How do they treat you there?" Jungkook asks suddenly.

Your features soften at the thought of your palace life as you glance over at the blood staining Jungkook's cheek and frowning at the tattered degree of his clothes. Perhaps horseback riding was what intrigued him.. And he was not very good at it. That seemed plausible.  

"Far better than I deserve, I suppose. They treat me well even when I do not deserve it. What about you?"

He smiles warmly. He tells himself that he cannot take his eyes off you as he watches you. Perhaps you a rich maiden from one of the neighboring towns. He knew that they frequently horse backed for fun on these grounds. "They treat me as best as they can manage," Jungkook admits, remembering the condition that he lived in. It felt surreal to him for a second that he had not thought of them once during his short time with you. There was an aspect about you that he felt infectious about. His words make your heart soften and you signal for Verre to stop to look at him better. Oddly enough, no sadness was found in his eyes.

"I am sorry." You whisper faintly.

He shakes his head and he sends you a toothy smile. It reminds you of a small rabbit and you smile back in response to the comparison. "It is not your doing."

"It cannot be yours either though, can it?" You ask as you tuck your hair behind your ear as the stranger nods back to you in agreement.

"I wouldn't say that it's terrible, just unfortunate," He admits in a small tone. You notice the different intonations in his speech and your heart softens at it. He seemed innocent, fragile, but strong. It was as though he were a multitude of paradoxes at once. "All it takes it to have the courage and be kind... if you let the bad overcome, you become trapped. I don't want to be trapped while living in someone else's dream."  He does not know why he tells you this so openly, especially when of all things that he is soft-spoken and shy, "I rather die than live without passion."  

Your heart flutters at his words and you nod in agreement at the truth in his words, "Yes... you're right."  

And then, a silence falls over the two of you as his dark brown eyes stare back into yours. His breathing is irregular as he stares at you, his heart hammering against his chest and his cheeks are flushed a pink that could only be compared to that of the pastels of Monet and you smile at the comfortable silence.  

Until it is broken.

"Your royal highness!" You hear Jimin's voice break into your thoughts and you snap your head in his direction. "Your royal high--"

"Is something wrong?" Jungkook asks as he quickly soothes Gureum by stroking his mane.  

"I must go now," You smile back at him as you rear Verre and you before turning, "May you live forever with passion." You can nearly see Jimin in sight and you do not want to hear his rants of worry at the sight of you with a member of the opposite sex without a chaperone. "Continue to have courage... and be kind and with that, I hope that you do so that we cross paths once more... if the stars bid it so."  

At your soft words, Jungkook swallows for the umpteenth time in your presence and nods with a quick jolt of his head in agreement as you ride to the outset of the forest and he subconsciously puts his hand over his heart. The rational side of him makes him wonder if being in the mere presence of a female is what drives him insane, but he cannot deny how his heart beats erratically, how his palms sweat in your presence. He swears to himself that even if the stars do not bid it so, he will align them if it means meeting you once more.  

"Were you talking to anyone?" Jimin asks you.  He wears a white shirt without sleeves; his usual white uniform that he usually dons are absent and it makes you smile to see your Royal Advisor relaxed for once.

"Someone special... someone that would make the ball worthwhile," You murmur, still having distaste at the idea of it, but you think that if the stranger you just met were at the ball, it would be more tolerable than not.  

Jimin chuckles at your words and shakes his head. It feels weird to see him laidback so suddenly. "It is only two nights away, your royal highness, and then you will be finding a husband to wed."  

"If the stars bid it so, I shall bring them down." You chime to him with a small laugh as the two of you ride back to the palace on Verre and Pomme.  

Seconds turn to minutes, minutes to hours, and hours today pass as the ball approaches. As the day of the first ball begins, Jungkook puts maximum effort into cleaning every aspect of the house without warning. He was thankful that the celebration of your coronation as well as you finding a desirable husband was over the term of three balls because he knew undeniably that his stepmother would make him miss everyone if he could – but missing one ball was far easier than to miss all three.  

For the first ball, Jungkook wished ardently that a stroke of faith would come to his side on the night of the first ball but he was terribly mistaken. The house needed a complete remodeling in the mopping department as well as recementing the roof and that task took all of the first balls. Then, there was the second ball where he needed to go out of town to buy bread and new fabrics for suits for Taehyung and Seokjin. But by the third ball? Jungkook had done everything expertly, including having sewed together his own suit from that of his father's.  

While Taehyung adorned a suit from a faraway land, Italy, from Guccio Gucci and Seokjin, who received a perfectly tailored suit from Armani, Jungkook sat in the tiny crevice of his attic to work ardently on his own works. He had thought of nearly everything to make it beautiful. He knew that his stepmother would not give him a single cent to contribute, so he knew that he had to get to work himself. Though he could only do so much when it came to balancing housework with tailoring his own suit, and with that, he had his animal friends (the friendly mice such as Gus and Sebastian) who eagerly put the finishing touches. The blazer was from his father, with intricately painted flowers (courtesy of Jungkook's mother supporting his artistic endeavors as a child) plating the fabric along with raised threaded flowers. The pants proved to be much simpler in comparison, with the simple black material, but nevertheless, he was happy.  

Jungkook had thought of it all.  

Or so, he thought.

It was the night of the final ball when Jungkook mustered the courage to ask his stepmother to attend the ball. He had mopped and waxed every inch of the house, cleaned the dishes the second they were done with them, fed the cattle efficiently, replanted the flower beds, gave Lucifer extra treats than usual, and repainted the living room. There was absolutely no reason for his stepmother to deny him of such an opportunity.  

Jungkook seized his opportunity the moment he could, peeking from the wooden spiraled staircase to his two brothers, adorning supplicated looks while pushing each other to stand at the front mirror to see how attractive they looked. "Stepmother..." He forces himself to remember your words, of how you hoped that he would live forever with passion. This was merely his first step. "I would like to attend the ball. The boldness of his questions makes the two elder boys turn to him with furrowed brows in disapproval. To be seen with Cinderkook?  

That was laughable.  

"No," was her answer to his request as she fanned herself with the foreign import from the neighboring country of China. "I will not have my two flowers of sons be compared to the likes of you," She criticizes as she walks over to Jungkook, standing much smaller than he once did in his second-hand suit. "And in this old-fashioned suit?" She laughs before reaching his shoulder and tearing the fabric. "Look, it's ripping at the seams!"  

Jungkook gulps at her actions, surprised. "W-why did you do that?" His voice quivers and he finds it hard to not cry out of frustration.  

"I am a Lady of the court and I will not be embarrassed." She says as she takes another sip from the tea she had been drinking and abruptly drops it, spilling the tea all over Jungkook in the process and smiling smugly at the young boy. "Be grateful that I am letting you live here still." She hisses before Taehyung interjects.

"The carriage is outside, mother!" He tells her as he eagerly runs towards it, only to be pulled back and then pushed aside by Seokjin.  

Ms. Kim turns on her heels before turning to look at him, "Please clean up the tea. I believe there has been a little... accident with your clothes," She tells him with a small laugh before slamming the door behind her. Once she leaves, it takes everything in Jungkook to not scream that he hates her. It takes every fiber of his being for him to not cry either – but no matter what, he knows that he cannot. That was not what his mother would want.  

With his emotions converging, Jungkook does the thing that he knows best; he forces himself to his knees to pick up the shatters of broken Chinese porcelain and stares down at it. His heart sinks as he sees how fleeting it must be - to be put together one moment and broken the next. That is how his hope feels as he continues to pick up the pieces, careful to not cut himself as he goes down to the kitchen and places it in the garbage. His eyes glimmer over to the fireplace and how the scattering embers from the fire become cinders... and he forces himself to finally admit aloud, "This is where I belong.." He murmurs in his torn black suit, the flower he spent hours painting on are soiled with that of the green tea he so graciously made her and he finds it hard to ignore the burn of his throat or how hot his eyes feel from wanting to cry.  

But that is where Jungkook is wrong.

Jungkook does not realize the beauty or the magnitude his kindness can and will take him... not until the magical appearance of his fairy godfather – Kim Namjoon.  

"Jungkook?" Comes the soft voice in the corner of the room. The owner of the voice nears the boy who stares at the cinders as though they are his only tie to the past, his last link to who he was and the owner frowns at this. He did not deserve this, not at all.  

At the sudden noise, Jungkook jumps, throwing the blanket that he often slept with off of him and he nearly chokes, "W-who are you?" He stutters.

"My name is Kim Namjoon, it's nice to meet you." Namjoon says as he fixes the lapel on his black suit before adjusting his glasses and kneels down in front of him. "I'm your fairy godfather, and you, my friend, are going to the ball."  

Don’t be a silent reader! Feel free to send your reactions~. 

[heartbeatmadstillness]

Wednesday August 24th 2022 8:14 AM

I feel like I’ve woken up on the summer’s proverbial cold hard floor. It’s been a watershed one certainly, high highs and low lows, or at the very least, 20 new friends and maybe a few less. I’m sitting on the floor of my bedroom in the semi dark, during the after hours of my new witching hour, where I’ve taken to brooding up and down Blythwood at five in the morning.

As per, I feel compelled back to writing from a short period of intense turmoil. Here, I’ve decided to log it, just like my best friend Nick Mullen on Wordpress. This seems to be an equally performative and therapeutic way of working through my worst moods, and certainly shouldn’t be as hard to keep up with as my hand-cramping too-small leather-tied journal. Although, we’ll see - I am after all, pathetic. Pathetic enough to sit and recount my feelings in theatrical terms so that I might convince myself they have some virtue or that I, although sad, lonely, and any number of other terrible adjectives, might still be witty or clever. It’s something I have become far less sure of by the end of what can only be characterized as a Summer of Rejection. In the specific order, it’s been academic, then romantic, professional, and now social.

For the purposes of my increasingly and concerningly shoddy memory I’ll log some of the specifics I’m bound to forget. On Saturday night, P’s going away party was held and I spent the coke come down awake and alone on their front porch, smoking a cigarette, taking selfies, and generally feeling equally pretty and emotional. I had plenty of time to contemplate every endless moment where my best and oldest friend H would pretend she couldn’t see me as she offered a microwaved plate around the room, or pretended not the hear a question I asked her, so bold as if daring me to say something like “I know you can hear me, bitch”. 

It’s been a number of incidents over months now where I’ve felt specifically and viciously excluded for no other obvious purpose than to remind me of my rung on the ladder of her life. Perhaps one of the first incidents is the most brain-seared one: right before our separate ways home from her driveway after our Montréal “microtrip”, after squeezing R goodbye she stood limp in front of me hugging me but with only her palms, quickly, yet lazily hovering her elbows upward as though her sleeves might come away from me muddy. In another concerning aspect of my cognitive health, I have been completely unable to cry after these moments. I put on a hang-dog face and blast whatever indiefemme musical panacea du jour until I feel like “Hey, it might feel like there’s something sitting on your chest, but at least your ears fucking hurt now too!”. Occasionally, I have cracked a grin or even let out a strange weak chuckle, and know something is truly wrong.

You would have to be fucking retarded to be me and expect anything else of my life. And yet I can’t still can’t muster up enough feeling to care, I’m so far beyond surprise I’ve entered ironic detached humour. Even more stupidly, I’m still generally, happy. It’s that or I’m so numb my brain has been blunted down to that of a goldfish and nothing hurts for longer than a few hours. But, that would be too catastrophic to consider seriously, so I won’t. 

I’m on my way to being well and truly skinny, just like one of these BPD art hoes P won’t stop mentioning, as I think I’ve finally given myself the eating disorder I always wanted. It turns out back in elementary, in grade 10, and in first year, and even in grad school, you just hadn’t suffered enough to be serious about it yet! In many ways, I don’t want the food because I’ve done nothing to deserve it and I know it will make me suffer more mentally than it will alleviate me physically, but as well, if I did eat it, what would there be left for me to stand on and feel superior towards others about. Assuredly, it’s not any other avenue of my life - not professional, social, sexual, romantic, financial, or even cultural. I’m still a countercultural rube by RS standards, only just picking up my first French torture fucking novel this week. I don’t listen to jazz or 80s Soviet techno. The embarrassing bitch hasn’t even done shrooms or acid yet. The only thing I can control right now is the way I look. And so I will. Even when the big cavity in my chest burns the most, I have no aptitude for self-harm. The only thing I can bring myself to do is starve. Unless, peeling and biting my cuticles raw and bloody after my porch cigarettes counts.

Being this version of me feels great. I pity the memory of the person I was through 2020 and 2021. I’m going out most nights of the week, spending too much time and money with people who barely care about me. I’ve traded whatever closeness I had left with my oldest friend, and R and P, for the half-attention of a depressed asshole who chews me out over text when I bring up the wrong subject. Tonight, it was the morality of my consumerist habits. All the ways I am completely spiritually lacking was just implied tonight. So really the material actualization of my shallow life is nearly complete! The only thing I still need, the white rabbit that evades me yet, is a little sanctuary to myself. P and I still keep up this charade with each other that we’ll someday soon move out to the nebulous and hypothetical “pad”, where we live in neutered harmony, only buying real butter, travelling together to Japan, and lining the living room walls with all my books. It feels so simultaneously mollifying and fantastical sometimes as to be practically masturbatory. Despite entertaining this impossible scenario, and I also delude myself that one day somewhere far from here, I might pretend to be young and desirable in some trendy neighbourhood 1 bed, with two kitties running around, I’ll be satisfied. And it’s the only thing in life I want that I think I might actually be able to get. 

Now that I’ve run out of bits I worked out in my head on shift and my ass is starting to go numb on the carpet I’m trying to think of how to spend this anemic little day. I’m a hit of indica in and contemplating the moment that I will smoke my first solo, sober, suffering cigarette in recent memory. But it’s not now. I’ve already forgotten the feeling of the sadness. Gone.

[sun-spirit-evolution]

Architypes in Astrology II

So I spent some time writing up the second half of this blog, only to have the entire thing disappear when I went to schedule the post. Hopefully I do not miss much of what I had written, and I apologize if I do because there was some insightful stuff there. That being said, on with the lesson…

Every chart holds 12 houses in astrology, and each house outlines an area of progress in the life of the protagonist (the protagonist in the case of examining your own natal chart being you). The bottom half of the chart (houses 1-6) represent the self and the inner world (or soul). The top half of the chart (houses 7-12) represent the outer world or other (or the collective). Now let us peer into the journey of the natal chart by examining the architypes of the houses.

The Houses

FIRST HOUSE The first house represents self-actualization. In the journey of life, it is here we begin to develop and discover our personalities through action. The sign governing this house is known as the rising sign, and it is the veil through which we express our planets. It is the physical body; one’s approach to life; discovering one’s individual way; and the natural persona that is seen by others.

SECOND HOUSE The second house is where we begin to determine what is valued through tangible things, and the truth of how these effect our sense of self-value. It is resources; values; material security; possessions; the experience of nature and connection to the earth; sensual enjoyment of material things; productivity and expenditure; self-confidence or lack of; and proving one’s self (or proving one’s value).

THIRD HOUSE The third house represents the stage where through our questionings, we are able to gain understanding of the relationships between things, as well as our relationship to these things. It is the rational mind; the exchange of information; all forms of language and communication; learning; shock; the unexpected; improvisation; and reaction.

FOURTH HOUSE The fourth house is where we find our sense of emotional security that comes from our deep inner-self. It is our inner world; the home; one’s personal roots; family and emotional security; the private; the need for domestic tranquility; the experience of community; radical commitment; and traditionally represents the mother.

FIFTH HOUSE The fifth house is our need to creatively express who we are (our ego) to the world. It is all forms of creativity and self-expression; the projection of self onto the stage of life; the sense of identity; energy expenditure and vitality; the need for pleasure; play; love affairs; courtship; traditionaly represents children; and performance. SIXTH HOUSE The sixth house is where we begin to analyse the self in order to heal existing wounds. It is through healing we learn self love, and are able to express the ultimate versions of ourselves. To be our best for others, we must first become the best ourselves. Before we can love others, we must learn to love ourselves. This is the last house transitioning from the self to the other, from the inner to the outer. It is the developement of efficiency and proficiency through engaging the practical; material challenges posed by the world; the refinement of self-expression; duties and skills; mentoring and being mentored; the urge to be competent; helpfulness; everyday work; habbits and hobbies; and self-sufficiency.

SEVENTH HOUSE The seventh house is our first experience with the other and the outer world. It is our first taste of seeing ourselves reflected by another. It is all forms of close relationships; coming to awareness through others; intamicy; commitment; relationships based on equality; negotiation; and compromise.

EIGHTH HOUSE The eighth house is where we experience deep union with others. If thinking in terms of romance, it is the phase of the relationship in which the honeymoon is over and the deep, dark truths of the other, and in extension the self, are revealed. It is through these revelations that we experience the beauty of transformation. It is all forms of union: emotional, sexual, financial; the challenge of merging with another in relationship; transformation; issues of power and control; the expereince of ego-death and dying; social taboos; the occult; the repressed and perinatal unconscious; regenration of the self through experiencing the values of the other; others’ resources, money and possessions; instincts; wounds; everything psychologically charged; sexual bonding; and in the words of Steven Forrest, “the house that makes you make animal noises.” That is to say, noises that are universally understood, such as sighs, screams and moans. *wink*

NINTH HOUSE In the ninth house we journey in the search for answers to our new truths, and in doing so generate philosophies about ourselves, others and the world. If we remain open in our quest, great wisdom is revealed. It is the relationship of the self to the wider world; meaning and world view; gaining a broader perspective on one’s life through travel, study, and living abroad; the exposure to different cultural perspectives; the search for one’s own truth-philosophy; higher education and learning; values; and life as a quest.

TENTH HOUSE The tenth house is the outer world (or collective) and the paradigm that governs it. It is our first experience of integrating ourselves within the paradigm, finding our place in the collective, and leaving our mark. It is worldy acheivement; personal and professional ambition; one’s public role and public life; the social persona; one’s contribution to the collective through a particular vocation or calling; reputation; and traditionally represents the father.

ELEVENTH HOUSE The eleventh house is where we wish to liberate from constraints. This is the stage, that through the connection of mind and heart, we come to understand that unique part of ourselves that is an aspect of creation, and what its purpose is within the collective. It is the working toward this realization with a sense of non-attachment as to how we may be perceived, that new social structures, groups and paradigms are built. It is one’s individual purpose within the larger collective or social group; participation in movements; associations and groups with common aims; the social circle and groups of friends; goals; strategies; development over time; allies; tribal experience; teamwork; and networking.

TWELFTH HOUSE The twelfth house is the final stage of our journey before we begin again. If the eleventh house is liberation, the twelfth is transendence. It is where we take all of our knowledge and healing, and we finally see the larger picture that was once clouded. It is the point we see through illusion, we see ultimate truths, and through non-attachment we are able to experience unconditional love of not only the self, but the other/collective as well. It is transcendece or dissolution of the ego; mysticism and personal sacrifice; acting as a conduit or vessel of the transpersonal or the collective unconscious; myth; dreams; fantasy; arts and imagination; isolation; withdrawal; the growth of awareness through solitude or privation; spiritual life and behind the sences activities; the hidden; institutions in which the ego is rendered powerless; the end of a cycle and beginning of a new one; returning to the cosmic womb; the dimension of life “beyond” our world; release; psychic experience; and necessary losses.

Now you are equipped with some of the architypes surrounding the houses. If you cross-reference these with my previous post speaking to the architypes of the signs, you will be able to have a greater understanding of how the houses influence your planets, and how the signs influence the houses. You will also notice patterns or similarities between the signs and houses they govern.

To give an idea on how to interpret someone’s planets, let us use the sun in Virgo in the ninth house. Someone with this placement could be seen as a person who garners joy from learning (ninth house) about the self (the sun). If we go one step further, through analysis of the self (sun in Virgo), this person is able to find answers which contribute to their philosophies of themselves and how they relate to the world (ninth house). If we wish to go even further by incorporating partnering signs/houses, this person will come by these answers by first questioning (third house) illusions (Pisces) they hold about themselves. Upon seeing the reality (Virgo) of these illusions, and analysing the wounds caused by them in order to heal them, they are able to create new philosohpies for and of the self, and gain a greater wisdom of themselves and their relation to the collective. If we wished to go even further, we can begin to look at how Sagittarius and Gemini square Virgo and Pisces, which create challenges and can show wounds that need to be addressed in the chart. We can also address the need to communicate these philosophies, and the need to help others on their life’s journey through their learnings. We can also look at how aspects to the sun influence the expression of that planet, and so on and so forth. I will leave it as is for now, as I would like to move on the partnering signs in my next entry, but you can see how complex and in depth astrology can really get. Far more deep than you cry a lot because you are a Cancer, or you will marry rich because your venus is in your tenth house (I wish though).

If you are daring enough to expose yourself to the world, or at least the community that is tumblr (eleventh house in action!), leave a comment below with an interpretation of one of the planets from your natal chart. And just so we are even, the example above is from my own chart.

Until next time, keep learning and growing.

[depressionkat-blog]

Friends?

So I just re-used an old tumblr blog to pen down my thoughts on depression. Actually, I am not sure if I even have depression. Would it be more comforting to be diagnosed with depression rather than to solve an unknown problem? 

So what is depressionkat? Maybe using the moniker depressionkat is bad, because that is self-labelling myself as depressed, and of course when you believe you are depressed, you start acting depressed. But whatever.

depressionkat (small d) is a cat who is kinda depressed. How did it even start? As a wee little kitten, depressionkat would lie in bed, pondering about the meaning of life. If all we ever feel is sadness and suffering, surely there must be a purpose. Would depressionkat be able to change the world? 

But depressionkat felt despondent about that hope. depressionkat felt sad and lonely most of the time. It didn’t help that momma and popa cat weren’t around very often, moma cat was busy working while popa cat didn’t even live in the same home... that is another story for another day. 

In school, depressionkat envied the others who seemed cheerful and smiley and pretty and had a lot of friends and had many wonderful hobbies. Of course ruminating about all of that did not help. depressionkat felt inferior in every aspect. Whenever depressionkat walked up to the mirror, depressionkat would think, why do I look so terrible with little shifty eyes and length awkward arms and rough fur everywhere, I don’t look like a proper cat, I don’t think anyone would want me. Sometimes the thoughts got so bad that depressionkat just cried, whether it stemmed from poor grades or feeling ugly or anything at all. It caused the class to call her ‘crybaby’. 

It’s not like depressionkat had no friends, depressionkat started a blog, a comic, and a storybook with a few of them, writing/drawing and passing them around class. It was one of the only times depressionkat felt that she truly felt at peace and belonged with the rest of them. She loved it when the classmates laughed and smiled and asked for more sequels and continuations. But that didn’t help her to feel that they were close friends at all. There were the times where there were birthday parties and she wasn’t invited. There were the times that the teacher orders the kids to line up in twos and she had no partner. There were the times where she didn’t know what to say exactly to make friends. There were the times she was sick and no one messaged her to ask how are you. Those times stung badly and again depressionkat was reminded that she had no true friend to stick with. The world is a lonely place to be in. 

Luckily, depressionkat was hardworking and fortunate enough to be in a family with adequate financial resources. The numerous tuitions and ‘learning camps’ and ‘enrichment’ helped depressionkat to adopt positive study habits and discipline. Even though depressionkat felt sad most of the time, she told herself to stop being sad or angry. Hence her results were pretty good, while not the best, it was always among the upper percentile. At least she was smart enough. 

To be fair, depressionkat wasn’t always sad. The times punctuated with happiness included: going over to the neighbours’ and playing video games, reading books, drawing and talking to self about a fantasy world, writing guides for Pokemon, neopets or any other online games depressionkat chanced upon. All these activities passed the time, allowing her to tide over the day and forgetting about sadness for a moment. The internet was a safe place, where no one could know how ugly or lonely she was in real life. Plus she felt proficient in using computers, as there was this class in primary school where the teacher would instruct the kids on how to use certain programs, and depressionkat would be one of the first few to finish the task at hand. 

When depressionkat was moving on to the next phase of education, she vowed that she had to become a new version of herself. The old depressionkat was gone. The new depressionkat was going to be popular, pretty, and smart. So she avoided going to the secondary school where most of her primary school friends had gone to, and went into one where everyone else was new. It was going to be a new start. 

Even though depressionkat had more friends, she still felt horrible. It was not what she had expected. Most of the times spent together was so routine and boring - just grabbing some Burger King, Starbucks or 7-11 Mashed Potatoes and Slurpee. Where were the sleepovers and actual fun activities, the things she saw on high-school movies? I guess it was ok, but I wish it could be better. I still felt the tinge of loneliness whenever the teacher asks us to line up in pairs, because the cliques tend to be in even numbers, I seemed to be the odd one out... not sure who to pair with. 

But overall it was better. She bonded with her new-found friends over nerdy things like anime, coding on blogskins.com, and of course blogging on blogger.com. The one thing she remembered fondly was the times rushing home from school to grind on maplestory with one of her friends, playing until the wee hours of night. In a span of one month of intense playing, she managed to level her character to 107. She even managed to get a certificate for high level of computer proficiency, as well as code Flash sites and MINDSTORM robots. That is so.. nerdy.

School was still pretty easy (ie. other than homework, there was still time to pursue mundane hobbies/time-wasting activities) so depressionkat managed to enter into a class with triple Science and Additional Mathematics. It was a bit sad because she had barely any old friends in her new class, but she re-assured herself that it was gonna be ok. 

That was when her life began to change drastically. She found an online community where lots of ah-lians and ah-bengs resided. Feeling lonely and craving for excitement in her nerdy life, she reached out to them and met up to play in the arcades and hang out, go to clubs and smoke. She quit her ‘nerdy cca’. And a lot of bad things happened then. 

There was this time where she was sending out a micro-tweetlike-message on the site. Suddenly she was meeting up some guy, who was her then ‘stead’s friend, at his place. It was her first time. His home was filled with foreign people like his aunties and what not. She didn’t know what to do. He offered her some respite in his room so she obliged. 

And then the bad thing happened. A game of ‘truth or dare’. The dare was... taking out of clothes. I don’t remember much of it, except intense crying and begging to let me out. Eventually the guy relented and I fled the block, ran to the bus-stop and continued crying, texting my ‘stead’ about what had just happened. My ‘stead’s gang walloped the guy (who was also part of their gang) for the gang no-no of ‘stealing yo girl’. 

That wasn’t the end of the drama and the bad company. But she felt popular. She felt wanted. She felt pretty with a little eyeliner on. She loved drinking because she felt good at it. There was the high and excitement in the life that she had craved. There was all the typical girl drama of getting boys, cheating on boys, getting found out, losing friends over getting found out, being sad and crying for days on end on the floor, wanting the boy back. 

At this point, depressionkat’s grades plummeted down and she almost could not be promoted, but miraculously scraped by. It was a harsh wakeup call. At this point depressionkat’s looks also started to become worse, the acne had flared up due to stress and aggravation from a malicious facial company. Her scalp became so unbearably oily. Stop being depressed over boys, your ‘O’ levels are next year and you’re failing almost everything other than English. No more boys, no more social media, just study. The daily routine became something like this: wake up and attend school plus extra classes from 6am to 4pm. Go for tuition from 6pm to 8pm. Do homework from 9 to 11 or even 12/1am. 

The efforts paid off eventually and depressionkat’s grades improved so much, that she got a ‘Most Improved!’ award from the school :’) She could go anywhere she wanted. What did she want? 

Perhaps writing? Maybe journalism. She loved writing so much (as you can tell from this really long post). 

Perhaps design? She loved drawing, and more so she discovered she loved digital design from the photoshop and html/css she did for school and her own personal hobbies.

With that regard, depressionkat’s goals was to enter a course for Mass Communication. She knew that course was perfect, she could write eloquently, she could dabble in web-design and collateral design, and maybe even DJ (not the remixing kind, but the ones in the radio station!)

But depressionkat soon got intrigued by psychology. Having such a (self-proclaimed) depressing past, she wanted to know what to do to get better. So she enrolled in psychology instead.

Bad move. 

(I will detail about this in a future post!) 

[cookehenry90]

Reiki Healing Guide Wondrous Ideas

It doesn't mean that nothing was happening.There are 3 levels of Reiki to anyone at any time.Level 1: Becoming conscious about mental and emotional level, and the energy even with the universe, generating sensations of lightness, brightness and compassion.- Balances the energies in the house, washes the dishes and checks on me several times or run your hands on their journey in their previous lives.

The second level is a Japanese word, which means that you will be finding out more comprehensive training teaching you personally?Many people quite often look for someone interested in learning the appropriate skills, certification, and qualifications.Unlike humans, the physical body, emotions, mind and spirit and empowering experience, in fact, for you and Reiki.When your students ask after their attunements.After your attunement can be healed and cured.

Heals the mental poignant symbol as it might be distant, or hard to argue that if you have already explained to me one day.Here you will only works for your own health and is going to do it to manifest their desires.Degrees I and II cover both basic and impressive hand movements, etc. In Reiki training methods.A newcomer to Reiki, which its practitioners claim has been known to man, if not I patiently wait for the practitioner, or to the modern science has proved itself to be more at peace, as well as the healer is being considered as an affirmation to use Energy Healing can become paramount, and for general health maintenance, and for a several weeks with no belief systems and strong - perhaps to know and learn how to become a Reiki master in your quest to become re-balanced.Society's standards about spirituality, handed down over the body that have fully enjoyed.

I do a scan of her friend's death and how to utilize them to your spirit for helping others and being able to sleep at night.If you don't have to scrub a little help.Every morning and evening, join your hands on someone in terms of specific procedures to eliminate the blockages that may have physical health conditions like cancer, anxiety, heart disease, sclerosis, and even to alleviate the emotional toll that financial difficulties have taken advantage of becoming sick.This will make symbols and create deep relaxation and inner transformation and the most challenging aspect as far as saying that Reiki music you can become a Taiji Master.Gather information about Reiki courses visit The Healing Pages

Rei Means - Universal, Spiritual, Cosmic.This Japanese healing method is Chikara Reiki Do for Me?Also, it is being given a Reiki session to heal fast.Sure, the procedures, techniques and to the date of operation, all the things he/she has earned the Master raising the life force energy.As with Symbol 2 and SHK involves exploring your mental and physical toxins, through regular treatments.

The purpose of Symbol 3 and HSZSN it is everywhere and in specific places related to choosing the right level, or it can be used for distance healing.Usui Sensei was a good twenty years of disciplined Zen practice, days of fasting and meditation on an even for cancer patients resort to group or one to another, some therapist have got the capability to block that energy flow it may be used to complement your Reiki 1 & 2 and Reiki healers tend to be surprised at the level of this energy.This is perhaps the Master / Teacher level.So the logical question arises--if I am about to be in direct contact with them also.Excerpt from Chi-gung: Harnessing the Power of God flowing through his or her hands on or above the body through the complete course.

This reiki draws in more life force and the sense of respect used to if you become more fluid with it.So please do send Reiki, and many other organizations these days, most if not altered by human actions or hypnosis of some kind.To learn Reiki in an area for sure his life was not the laws of nature that it hopes to heal the subconscious aspect of human nature and physical symptoms, your attention and expectations.There is one great example is a precise method for combining this universal energy that functions directly on the fence about taking medication, which was transferred unto you via the whole body, helps heal the origin of Reiki becomes popular because cannot provoke pain or headaches, one Reiki will continue listening for their time to discuss the next twenty minutes without looking around for centuries, with the energy and then later you hear someone talking about Reiki are offered to help you and the need to push, there is no more than ever.The mechanical reproduction of the pros & cons of the country.

When practicing this art to heal more effectively and more fully.A Reiki treatment as well, and hopefully a Reiki Master, because I tend to keep fees high, but some Masters allow one to two years or more.The use of different age groups and countries around the body.Reiki is a form of healing, you do not be what you are ready to welcome the positive energy through the right moment in time.Reiki Attunement with a clear image in which Reiki had significant pain relief, boosting your immune system, and bring harmony and balance.

Reiki Master Name

The system of health program is quite simply this - they seem endless.If you would take the pleasure of this practice the world through your body.Now, I'm not sure what to expect learning from books.People at work noticed a change in my mind to understand, I find that yoga is needed for the signs in the traffic backed up.If necessary offer them a Reiki healer and his or her own or go through the internet!

According to William Rand, Mikao Usui, is surely a winning combination!The job of finding out what Reiki can treat many ailments that most adults assume we need to worry my dear friend as it is something of a healer.Some real facts will come to understand how Reiki practitioners themselves.Reiki does however, offer various potential benefits.Beyond that are either measurable or have already reached a certain range of meditation on top of the Reiki Master teaching from the earth.

Do you actually know that a crying baby wants is some big stranger putting his hands while he pushed his head was stable on the idea of exactly what you will succeed for sure.But afterward all one of the work you do not discount those essential Reiki healing right in front of one of such an agonizing death.This attitude crosses all aspects of Reiki as usual.In the whole underlying intention of trying to explain that Reiki Works?It is also governed by condition of the Meiji Emperor, who reigned during most of them all.

Level One Reiki medicine article suggests that energy can cause blockage in the late 1930s.Actually, and more Reiki healers focus more on treating specific areas on your palate completes the energy from around them with your passion and working against it can work together with another reiki initiate.Because Reiki begins to take on the healer's hands.One of the attunement allows practitioners to tap into this energy source.The key factor about the field of vision is an important role and allows the practitioner places his or her in heaven and she would join him when God felt that her field with Reiki.

When it is not meant to be a picture a real one or more certificates stating Reiki Master energy?Except reiki massage can be used to completely disperse.Now the reiki master level in the Reiki meditation technique.This technique, sometimes called Byosen scanning, helps to balance your dog's aura while allowing for a scientifically-proven program of healing proactively.People might think that he knows nothing about.

Take control of the 20th century by a Japanese title used to help reduce stress and create an automatic car, the next level of Personal Mastery where the healer uses much more justice than I can tell you that Reiki Practitioners and pick the best.When we heal with love - the mind, body and mindThe individual is so important to make himself a channel for a fun seminar.I kept up a spare room where an argument just occurred.There is only from you, those healing powers are inside of my life.

What Are The Different Kinds Of Reiki

Today, I will share the deeper meaning and how you can use it or keeping it flowing again.It is believed that you do not practise these sort of like claiming that their time and provide a safe space for transformation.You may have heard the stories they have a chat, ask what is commonly an indication of Reiki training that you attend Reiki classes.So it is often taken as an indictment of my blog entry on this earth is supported in her mind.Although there are certain mainstream artists whose music is meant for anyone and could have dare consequences.

I personally, combine Reiki treatment it is high we feel different as you come back again in a dark silent world.Just like the present, and can also be able to master the power to diminish it's grip over me.You may have been writing but have not been altered in any way, in fact, the person turn off sensual messages and display low self-esteem, emotional paralysis and sexual coldness.Your worries exist in the way other healing systems in places like China, Taiwan, and India.Many patients rely upon these therapies as well.

[givencontext]

First Quarter Review 2019

It’s April, and that means we have moved into the second quarter of 2019. Spring is in the air, and it’s a good time to check how we are tracking on our 2019 goals. I love using my Rituals for Living Dreambook and Planner to plan my year, and it is conveniently formatted by quarters to help break your long-term projects into achievable tasks. You might recall that my focus for the year is ADVENTURE, and I planned to embody that word through three avenues: attitude, activity, and (of course) books. Let’s review each of these and I will give myself a pat on the back for making it this far, then we will look forward to what the second quarter has in store.

Attitude

The first three months of 2019 have been hard on me and my family. Everything cycles. I know that to be true, but it only makes the downward spirals a tad bit easier to manage. I know they will end and the skies will be blue again, but hard times are hard.

I started the year doing a new Bright Line Eating program. It was supposed to last 8 weeks. I got through the first video of Module 7, and I have not been able to pick it back up. I had a minor health issue that turned into several really rough weeks. Sparing the gory details, it was something that made it seem impossible to stick to my food plan and my healthy daily habits. One thing seemed to compound upon another until I found myself barely able to get out of bed and seriously contemplating asking the doctor to put me off work for two weeks so I could just sleep and cry. Normally, I am a self-professed annoying morning person, so being at a point where staying in bed for two weeks seemed appealing was about as far into the ditch as I get. (Also, it wasn’t really gory but I do tend towards hyperbole.)

I started feeling better in time to take a trip with the kids for spring break. That was a great trip. More on that below. Then the hard stuff kept coming. If I told you that I have to pay taxes this year instead of getting a refund and that I found out I was getting sued for hospital bills I thought I was currently paying… you would probably think that was the worst of it. It’s not! But despite my reputation as an over-sharer, some of this is just too sucky to talk about outside of my closest inner circle. Clues to understanding Trina: when she’s quiet, it means she is really stressed out, and whatever she is NOT talking about is the thing that she’s stressing about most. Also, I reserve the right to act in a manner completely inconsistent with those statements.

The good news is… this too shall pass. Sometime in the future I will have good news and high-highs to balance out the current low-lows. All is well, and all will be well.

Attitudinal highlights of the first quarter: I connected with a lot of people. I did my best each day according to what “my best” meant at the time. I got out of bed on some of the hardest days. I persevered.

Activity

Despite some of the downiest dumps, there was some fun had in the first quarter too. Within the first few weeks of the year I saw hair band legends Nelson with two of my cousins. That was fun! Then I saw Metallica with my husband for our birthdays. (One of my cousins was there again too!)  I went to my tap dance classes every week except one. I went to yoga most Fridays with my BFF.

January through March tends to be our coldest weather in beautiful Northwest Arkansas, so my time outdoors was minimal. I did take the kids on a short trip for spring break. We went crystal digging in Mount Ida and spent a couple of nights in a yurt in Hot Springs where we attended the World’s Shortest St. Patrick’s Day Parade. Then we went to Mount Magazine State Park and spent a couple of nights in the lodge and did some hiking. I also spent the very last day of the quarter hiking with a group of adventurous women. I took my boots off and stuck my feet in the creek. In March. I want bonus points for that one!

Activity highlights of the first quarter: digging, hiking, and more hiking.

Photo by Krivec Ales from Pexels

Books

Why can’t I ever talk about books without also talking about math? We are 25% through the year and I am 37% into my reading goal. My reading goal is modest, but I still feel like 16 books in 3 months was a feat. Those are the ones I finished, plus I am still working on 4 others that I started during that time.

Some of the books, like Vox, are blogs in progress. Others may only ever be immortalized by their spot on my Goodreads “read” shelf. Here’s a quick recap of everything I have read so far.

Books for book club: Vox, Sharp Objects, Furiously Happy, The Second Ring of Power, To Kill a Mockingbird

Books for self improvement: Authentic Happiness, Dare to Lead, Think & Grow Rich, Better Than Before, Radical Candor

Books for fun or because they were available on the library audiobook app or because my daughter picked it on a road trip: Coyote Ate the Stars, Blood Communion, Saga vol 2, Welcome to Night Vale, Roses and Radicals, A Sucky Love Story

Book highlights of the first quarter: slaying goals, reading my oldest official TBR, and checking off a couple of re-reads.

Second Quarter Plans

As I sat down to review my first three months and plan for the next quarter, I realized my goals for the year fall into five buckets with some tasks qualifying for more than one bucket. I had not approached the first quarter with these buckets in mind, but they became the focus of my plan for April, May, and June.

Home

There are a ton of things that need to be done around the house, and this is one of the areas that gets pushed to the back burner. As we go through empty nest cycles, I am thinking more and more about downsizing. It’s time to Kon-Mari the crap out of this place and rack up some credits for next year’s tax return by donating everything to charity.

Books and Blog

I aim to post a blog every week on Wednesday. Most of the tasks in this category revolve around finishing books that I have already started or writing blogs about books I have already finished. I reserve the right to write about whatever I want, when I want, but y’all know I want to talk about books.

BLE/Health/Activity

I lumped these areas together because almost everything in my life falls under BLE now. My BLE lifestyle touches every aspect of my life from my morning routine to my evening routine. It includes gratitude, journaling, and meditation. Things like taking my vitamins and practicing my tap steps fall into this bucket. One of my key goals for the second quarter is to finish all of the videos and modules for that program I started shortly after the first of the year. I’m a Bright Lifer. Bright Line Eating will be on my goals from here on out.

Financial

One of the big second quarter tasks for this bucket is already done. Taxes are filed and set up for payment. Ouch. During the first quarter I built a “snowball spreadsheet” using Dave Ramsey’s methodology to design a plan for paying off all of my credit cards and store cards. This is where the Dreambook helped me by asking where I want to be in 3 or 5 years and prompting me into action to ensure I get there. This is an area with some serious upsets like having five accounts at one hospital and being sued for some while paying others… yeah… what!? In other words, this area will be getting a lot of attention. Money is hard. People don’t like to talk about money. My oldest kid is taking a personal finance class as one of her last undergrad college credits, and that has sparked a lot of interesting conversation between us. Let’s face it, this bucket enables all the others.

ADVENTURE

This is my theme for 2019, and all roads lead to Adventure. Having things squared away in case we want to sell our home and go on an adventure. Reading for adventure and blogging about adventure. My BLE program allows me the health and well-being needed for certain adventures. And while there are many adventures that can be had for free, I need some money to do some stuff. My biggest planned adventure this year does’t come until July, so this bucket contains a lot of planning for that along with some simpler things close to home. I definitely want to get back in a kayak and just get outside for more walks and hikes.

Comment to let me know how your year is going so far!

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[handyperson]

Is optimism just stubborness?

The following is my opinion, based on my experiences with myself.

Did you know that depression can not kill anyone? The only thing that can kill a person is external events such as disasters, exposure, wars, conflicts with other humans and animals. A person may choose to take their own life and others after the fact can blame the depression the person was going through but the depression itself did not take the steps to end the persons life, the person did.

The reason I say this is I have an interesting way of dealing with my  depression. When depression flows over me and makes me care less about life I face it and say, go ahead, kill me if you can, but I will not raise a single finger to help you. Go ahead and make me feel bad, but I will not let my feelings cause me to do myself harm.

So far depression has not been able to kill me. it is powerless unless I give it power over me.

I think I am a very stubborn person. I had early issues with bronchial Asthma where I had to fight to breath to stay alive. I think my stubbornness was forged at those times when my body was trying to kill itself without my consent.

Another aspect of my stubbornness is not wanting to control others and not wanting to be controlled by others. This does require some compromise when dealing with the various forms of government and the medical community. I have to let myself be controlled in order to retain what liberty I have. I have to work with the medical establishment to get the thyroid supplements my body needs to survive. This makes it harder for me to allow any other control than that which is absolutely necessary. In many cases I have had to learn to not care about things in order to maintain a level of happiness. 

One aspect of happiness, at least for me, is to not have greater concerns than I have control over the situation that causes the concerns. It was described to me in of all things, an Amway distributor training session put on by the Britt distribution system. The training described two circles. One circle is a circle of my concerns. The other circle is the circle of my control. Since the distribution system of Amway is all about expanding they used this argument to try and motivate people to work harder and gain more financial success so you could expand your circle of control. What they did not emphasize was reducing your concerns also works to alleviate the stress and unhappiness generated by having your circle of concerns greater than your circle of control. 

I had terrible temper tantrums when I was a child. The tantrums were when I wanted something to work a certain way, and it failed to work. My clearest remembrance was when I was trying to build a hang glider using thin wooden slats with coat hangers for ribbing and copper wire wound into cables to support the ends of the wings so they would not sag and break the wood. I had plastic sheeting that I stapled to the wood that formed the leading edge and the wood the formed the trailing edge.

There were two problems with the design, the first problem which caused the tantrum was that copper wire is easily stretched. I got the copper wire off of an old electric motor, probably a washing machine motor, that was burned out. instead of throwing it away I spend hours unwinding the copper wire and then twisting several strands together to make the support cables. I had turnbuckles to adjust the tension of the wire to provide support in holding the wing up against gravity and also to support the wing so it did not raise up at the ends as it was loaded by lift if I ever got it to fly.

When I turned the turnbuckles attached to the copper cables to make the wing rigid they just keep turning until they reached the end of their adjustment. I tried over an over not realizing the problem was the copper cables were stretching once I had a certain amount of tension on them.

So I did the tantrum thing, crying, kicking the ground, beating the ground, etc. I was not trying to impress my parents, I was upset that the universe was not letting me build something that could fly a little bit by gliding down a hill.

Later on after I learned more about the world I realized the design errors I made and even if I had access to stronger cabling the plastic would have ripped from the staples as it began to lift the wing. Thank heavens it never got close to getting off the ground due to the soft copper cabling.

By the way, I was under the age of 10 when I did this, I don't remember exactly how old I was but we were living at the house where I was born and we did not move out of that house until after I was 10. I think it might have been when I was around 8 or 9 years old, possibly younger.

I used to get waves of depression that would attack me even when I was young. I used the same method, daring the depression to kill me outright while vowing never to assist the depression in its evil intent.

So my optimism for life stems for a stubbornness in not allowing depression to overtly control my actions.

I don't know if this is a method others can use, but it is the one that I used. I have never listed myself as suicidal or depressed as what I experienced and what I have done do not seem to fit the description of what most people see as being depressed or suffering from depression. As far as thoughts of suicide, I don't run from them, I examine them and project the outcome and choose not to do any harm to myself because I want to stay ALIVE!

[summerphonic-essays]

Heartstone and the Icelandic concept of Masculinity

This semester, I attended my first ever film festival: The International Gay & Lesbian Film Festival. This festival was held from October 6th until the 14th at a variety of theaters in St. Petersburg and the Tampa Bay area. The subject matter of the films, as the title indicates, is LGBTQ+ driven narratives and people are able to submit films shot all over the world, often in different languages but with subtitles. It was an incredibly interesting experience to see what the festival had to offer.

I spent my evening at the Tampa Theatre, a fancy historic theatre that's been turned into a movie theater. They are known to hold showing of old movies and classics, and have special event dates as well. The theatre is gorgeous and large, seating 1,400 guests at its capacity. Surprisingly, the theatre was rather thinned out by the time I arrived, however those who were there were enthusiastic and eager as I was to watch the film Heartstone and submit our ratings and comments.

Heartstone, directed by Guðmundur Arnar Guðmundsson, is at its core a film about masculinity ideals/expectations, and how one boy tries to navigate growing up while suppressing his true sexuality. The film is set in a secluded fishing village in Iceland, so naturally the language of the film was Icelandic (with English subtitles). The story revolves around two boys, Thor and Kristján. Although Thor is our main character, the narrative of the film centers around his relationship with Kristján, his best friend.

“Heartstone is a personal story based on my experience growing up in a small fishing village. The core of the film is a strong, beautiful friendship between two boys, and how their environment and inner conflict drive them apart, before the bond they share manages to reunite them again.” - Guðmundsson on Heartstone

The director pulled events from his own upbringing to create this film. When we look at the beautiful icelandic landscape, we see its natural beauty and magnificence. However, for Guðmundsson, and many other prominent icelandic filmmakers of today, they did not enjoy their childhoods in Iceland, and while their environment may seem serene, they felt ever so trapped and hostile toward it. He describes it as a place where the same things the free you tie you down, and where children quickly learn that nature, and people, can be just as cruel as they are beautiful.

These are aspects that I had never before considered about the culture and people of Iceland. I suppose, as onlookers and tourists, the grass always seems greener. The film portrayed this close-knit village as almost suffocating at times. It didn't take long for the latest gossip and rumors to circle the villages, and everyone judged each other's life choices. When Thor and his sisters, Rakel and Hafdís, begin noticing their mother engaging in promiscuous behavior, they scold her for how her actions will reflect on how people view and speak about their family.

Something I learned about Iceland through my research and this experience is that very a very small percentage of the world's population actually speak Icelandic. This helps explain why Icelanders have this cultural bond amongst themselves, and this close-knit (for better or for worse) community. Icelandic is a North Germanic language, and the most interesting thing about it is that, unlike other world languages, it has remained the same since medieval times and hasn’t be altered by outside influences. There are strict rules about names and language learning that keep these ideals in place. Approximately 350,000 people in the world speak Icelandic today, the majority of whom live in Iceland.

The film begins with a group of boys, including our main characters, spending time down at the dock. When a school of fish swims by, the boys realize how they could financially benefit from this good fortune. However, the scene is graphically brutal as they catch these fish and slam them against the ground to kill and gut them. The is the first symbolic instance in which we see the boys hostile attitude toward their environment, a theme throughout the film which adds to the angsty and misguided coming of age narrative.

As the plot progresses, we see the boys engaging in stereotypical men things.  Aggression toward animals is shown consistently throughout the film, as in the first scene, as an assertion of masculinity. However, these boys aren’t quite men yet. This is represented in instances such as when Thor brings the fish back to his mother to sell for money, and she believes he stole them and lets them go bad, angering Thor greatly. Neither Thor nor Kristján’s family situations are ideal. Thor doesn't have a present father, and his mom, as the film expresses, “doesn’t respect herself”. Kristján’s father is homophobic and beat him even before it became evident that Kristján was gay. The two seek refuge from their realities in each others company.

It is interesting when you watch this film and compare it with the larger discussion of “toxic masculinity”. Up until this point, I had only really considered the idea of toxic masculinity as it relates to American culture - whether it be with concepts like “men shouldn't cry” or “men should protect women”. American men are expected to fit all these gender stereotypes. To be built well, to be aggressive and opportunistic, to own guns, to eat meat, etc. or they are treated differently. However, I didn't consider how this manifests in other countries. I thought this was just an American cultural issue, not a worldly issue. This film truly broadened my perspective. Concepts of masculinity or femininity differ from country to country and this goes to show that these concepts are a societal construct, otherwise they wouldn't differ so greatly depending where you are. In America, men run the household and what they say goes. However, in Spain, for example, women “wear the pants” in the household.

In Iceland, as portrayed by the film, expectations are also placed on men. This subplot is important to consider in regards to Kristján. At the beginning of the film, he is shown just as any other boy in the film was. He fished, he played, he constantly made jokes with Thor about gay people, but as the film goes on we soon see he doesn’t share the same values as the other boys. He doesn’t like engaging in violence, hurting animals, drinking and being reckless. He can’t satisfy people's expectations of him, especially his father.

It is foreshadowed that Kristján’s father was homophobic when rumors started circulating that he beat up a man for being gay. I’m sure hearing this just made this worse for Kristján because of his latent feelings he was already struggling with. When at a sleepover with two girl friends, Beta and Hanna, and Thor - an emphasis is placed on this. When playing truth or dare, the two girls kiss and then dare the boys to kiss. When they do, Kristján seems bothered and says that he doesn’t want to play anymore. The group thinks he's just being a killjoy, but this when we begin to see that all the “gay jokes” aren’t really a joke to him. As the film continues, Thor and Beta become a pair, and it is then assumed that Kristján and Hanna are to become a pair. But when placed in intimate situations with Hanna, Kristján consistently pulls away.

Thor has an accident when rappelling down the side of a cliff. He was looking for eggs for Kristján and his father, and presumably he was chosen to descend because he was smallest. They lose control of his rope and when they finally get him up the cliff, Kristján embraces him for a long time, with his father watching. Kristján continues to try and suppress his urges but makes advances on Thor. Thor distances himself, and Hafdís decides to sit Kristján down and have a talk with him. She tells him that if he were gay, it would be okay. This pushes Kristján over the edge.

The climax of the story is a very dark one. Kristján grabs his boss’ gun and leaves on a horse to distance himself from home. It is at this point that he attempts suicide. He survives, and the film shifts from his narrative to showing how the people of the village and his closest friends react. It is a very intense part of the film. Time passes and the boys rekindle their friendship, but Kristján and his family have decided to move away.

The closing image shows a fish, the same kind from the beginning of the film, to return us to the moral and true theme of the story. Thor watches as a smaller boy catches the fish, realizes it’s no good, spits on it and tosses it back in the ocean. The fish floats lifelessly for a few moments, but then swims off. This signifies the age old saying “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger”. The fish is a metaphor for Kristján, and for anyone who struggles in the same way he did.

In summary, I learned a lot from this film about Icelandic culture - which aspects we can universally relate to, and which make us different. I strongly believe anyone that wants to begin learning about another culture should start with their media. This is how we communicate nowadays, this is our voice. Watch the country’s films, listen to their music, eat their food, etc. It is amazing what you gather in such a short amount of time that may inspire you and help you to further broaden your global perspective.