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rewatching-sam-and-dean · 1 year

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So, a post with a series of great reblogs came across my feed today -- here — regarding two concepts that are often discussed in fandom: Daddy Dean and Spoiled Sam (in a non-kinky way).

It's funny that this post came across my feed today because l've been thinking about Sam and Dean's childhoods a lot lately and how their different experiences, or perspectives, have shape who they are and how they express their emotions as adults. To start, I wanted to comment on these specific ideas that seem to pop up in fandom so often: Selfless Parent Dean and Selfish Spoiled Sam.

This one got long (shocking, I know), so if you’re interested, please do read on under the cut.

Dean: The Selfness Parent?

Do I think Dean was given too much responsibility, at a way too young age? Yes. Do I think Dean, even as a child, would have died to protect Sam? Yes. Do I think Dean's protectiveness over and love for Sam are two of his best qualities? Yes. Do I think Dean's influence contributed to the man Sam became? Yes. Do I think Dean did both some pretty general level (Lucky Charms, anyone?) and extraordinary sacrifices (giving up a chance to start over at the boy's home because he saw Sam in the car) for Sam? I do. Do I think this makes Dean the one who raised Sam, entirely on his own, acting as both a mother and a father to Sam? Kind of … there was also this other guy around who they called Dad (however absent he might have been, he still was a fixture in their lives). Do I think Dean could also have a quick temper (“Don’t you ever talk about mom, ever!”, be insensitive, and even neglectful (Sam developing Clown fears at Plucky's) at times. Yes. Do I think Dean could also be irresponsible (losing food money on gambling)? Yep. Do I think this makes Dean a bad person, or even a bad brother? No. He was just a kid himself.

So, this is where I balk at the reading of Dean as Sam's "real", selfless, supportive father, or mother stand in. Even at the time of Season 1 and 2, which were peak seasons for supportive and empathetic Dean, for me, he can still be a dick. Children and teenagers who grew up to be amazing people can even start out as jerks. So, I don’t understand where this idea of a perfect father-figure Dean comes in, especially when he wasn’t even a perfect father figure to Ben as an adult (snapping at him, pushing him and smacking him in times of peak danger). He was Sam’s protector, absolutely, but not this super-human provider of protection, and giver of affection and cuddles, that some fans insist on seeing him as. Dean, despite his heroism, bravery and love for Sam, is still a flawed character. And that’s okay. He was a brave and protective kid in a difficult situation, but he wasn’t perfect. When we woobify Dean, we miss out on the complete character and who he actually is, good and bad.

Sam: The Spoiled Selfish Brat?

Do I think that Sam almost come off as a little bit callous regarding his family when we first meet him? Yes. When the show begins, do I think Sam is maybe a bit arogant and ignorant to some of the things Dean did for him growing up? Yes. But, do I totally blame him for the latter? No, because he wasn’t told much by Dean or John, and he was a child when a lot of things happened. Does the fact that Dean started hunting at a younger age, and didn’t tell Sam about it at first, make Sam sheltered? Yes and no. I would argue that he’s been more sheltered than Dean regarding hunting, but he also begins hunting when he’s pretty little. In "just my Imagination" we see that Sam gets permission to joint John and Dean on his first hunt (by taking a bus alone, no less) when he’s 9. Even if Sam was more often the research guy than the actively hunting guy, he was still exposed to a lot of crazy crap and lived in near constant fear for himself, his brother and his dad. The fact that Dean started hunting before Sam also suggests that Sam spent more time fully alone than Dean did, not to mention, a lot of the time, Dean liked hunting and thought it was cool, and he did it with his dad who he idolized. So, while Sam was physically safer, more removed from the action, he also didn’t get the perceived "perks" (it feels weird to call them that) that Dean had, or to be with his family as often. So, do I think Sam is selfish for leaving a dangerous situation, where he was often lonely, to go away to school? Um, no. Do I blame Sam for feeling differently about family than Dean when he was also often the odd man out? Nope. We know that when there was family turmoil, Dean usually sided with John or at least appeared to (Dean himself says this a couple times). Finally, do I think Sam is spoiled or selfish for leaving his family at 18 (like many young adults do around the world) to get an education, on a full-ride scholarship that he somehow earned despite their crazy lifestyle, and escape a literally life-threatening mission and turbulent home life. Yeah, no. Do I feel bad for Dean who desperately wants his family to stay together? Absolutely, I sympathize more with him than Sam at first in the show. However, I think a lot of the things people hate on Sam for are actually pretty understandable or justified in the early seasons. So, it’s just as damaging to vilify Sam as it is to woobify Dean because we miss so much important detail about the characters. The same is true of the reverse, woobifying Sam and vilifying Dean, but I just don’t see that as often in this fandom.

The Winchester Family Experience: Dean vs Sam's Perspectives

So, another thing that I think gets ignored a lot is just how different Sam and Dean's early, early years are. Dean had almost five years of "normal" family life (Dean being born in January and Mary being killed in November of his forth year around the sun). That’s a tragically short amount of time with his family being whole, but Dean did know safety, comfort, love and affection in his earliest years, and those things leave impressions. In the opening scene of the pilot, we see an adorable little Dean kissing his baby brother goodnight, and getting affection from both parents, and even a hug from a comparatively soft John. In Contrast, what were Sam's earliest years like? From the time that Sam would be old enough to remember, all he knew was that he had no mom, but wasn’t allowed to talk about her. He had an older brother that he looked up to and who watched over him, but who was keeping secrets from him. And he had a grief and revenge fueled father who barked orders, was gone a lot of the time and who seemingly only ever hugged him in fearful relief as a child (from what we see as an audience), not in casual affection. Sam had no foundation of safety, or comfort. So, is it any wonder that he can’t see family, or their family, in the same way Dean does? The fact that Dean had that time to bond with John, and got to experience some softness does matter because, even though he had more responsibility thrust on his shoulders than Sam, he also had an earned connection with his dad, and at least some warm memories to fall back on.

Saying "I Love You"

I think it’s interesting how their different early childhood experiences, potentially as well as their temperaments, not only shaped who they are as people, but their ability to express emotions. In this case, I’m going to focus in on verbally expressing love in particular because this post Is getting very long.

Dean says "I love you" to a heaven Memory!Mary in "Dark Side of the Moon." He also tells a Mary inside her own head that he loves and hates her. He says, "I love you for trying," when Sam is begging him not to lock himself up in a metal box at the bottom of the ocean with Micheal locked up in his head. He says, "I love you, too" to John when he’s about to disappear in "Lebanon." And finally, he says "I love you … so much" to Sam in "Carry On." Dean's 'I love yous" are few and far between, but he can say it, and he only says it to his I’m immediate family. (Unless I’m missing someone.). It’s not like I think people have to say it all the time, and those words can be hard to say for a lot of people (myself included), but he CAN say them directly to the people he loves.

Sam says "I love you" to a Hellucination!Jess and to his mom's grave stone. Also, I believe he says it to Mary on the phone once? He says, "You’re my brother, and I still love ya" to Dean in "Sam, Interrupted." Can we count it if he’s tripping balls on medication and he says "ya" instead of "you"? Well, I’m going to. He also tells Dean, "We all love you," which I half-count because he lumped other people into his declaration. Sam does tell a young John that he loves his dad ("The Song Remains the Same”), but John doesn’t know he’s talking about him at the time, so it’s not entirely a direct declaration. And, I think, that’s it. So, does the fact that Sam says it less directly to his immediate family mean he doesn't love them? No, obviously. But, I think it’s interesting that the brother who had no memory of "happy family" (I know things weren't actually perfect with John and Mary) is the one who seems to have a harder time saying "I love you" directly, and with his full chest, to family. This sort of tells me that a) Sam, by nature has a harder time expressing deep emotion or b) Sam didn’t hear it much, or ever even, as a little kid, so it’s hard for him to say the words, especially directly.

So, why did I go down the "I love you" rabbit hole? Well, I think it has some merit in the whole Dean is Selfness and was a martyr vs Sam was selfish and spoiled debate. It also shows how close both brothers keep the verbal expression of that feeling to themselves. Obviously, both brothers are bigger on show than tell in terms of expressing love. Selling your soul or potentially dooming the world for each other tends to get the message across.

In short, both brothers are selfless and selfish at times, and both are flawed but heroic. If we stan one brother so hard that we refuse to see their faults while constantly vilifying the other, we miss all the nuance in the story. It’s really a disservice to ourselves to woobify characters, not in the harmless, "Sam/Dean Winchester has never done anything wrong in his life. End post" kind of way, but in the "This charter is perfect and only did good things, and never hurt anyone who didn’t deserve it, and … and … and" kind of way.

Anyway, if anyone made it this far, thank you for coming along with me on my bumpy rambling road of thought on this. If I missed any "I love yous" from Sam or Dean, or if you’d like to chime in on the topic, I’d love to hear it.

#supernatural #sam and dean #SPN meta #my thoughts #sam winchester #dean winchester #the boys as boys #John winchester mentions #against the wooification of characters #thanks to the gif makers #not my edits

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