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ginkgomoon · 3 years

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Shaw's Birth Chart- An Astrological Study

Late second birthday gift to Shaw. I haven't done any heavy analyses/studies in a while but I felt happy that I also completed some good solid Shaw content! Please enjoy. *Cries because it's finally done and before June is over.*

What is Astrology?

Astrology is the study of stars- the placements and movements of different celestial bodies to correlate what’s happening on Earth. It comes from the early Latin word astrologia.

There’s a rule that we live by-

As above so below

This means whatever happens within our solar system will ultimately affect us here on Earth. For example, the moon governs our emotions, and since our body is approximately 70% water, why wouldn’t the moon affect us too? But it’s not just us, it's the moon’s gravitational pull on the oceans, in the same sense, it’s also the moodiness you may feel during full moons!

There’s many aspects to Astrology, and that would normally be too much for a single post so I’ll be elaborating on the major contributions to one’s birth chart. This will include the planets and the signs.

There’s the inner planets, consisting of the Sun, Moon, Mercury, Mars and Venus, moving quickly within the chart. Then there’s the outer planets, Jupiter, Saturn, Neptune, Uranus and Pluto, the slower moving planets. And of course, the different signs of the zodiac with different personalities. They follow the order beginning with Aries, then Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Capricorn, Aquarius and finally Pisces.

Shaw's Placements

Sun ☉ The Sun represents our character, personal identity and ego. Your star sign is also known as your Sun sign. It is the “you”. The “Self”. It shows your creative force, confidence, focus and our will to live. It’s the driving force of our charts in many ways, like how it is centred in our solar system. It’s the part of us that is the “adult”, censoring the “inner child”, and overall provides information on our vitality, and what we came to do.

Shaw's Sun is in Gemini ♊︎ The air sign of Gemini is famous for their self-expression and communication. Geminis are witty, clever and flexible people. They can easily gain social contacts just as they can easily adapt in various situations and communicate through intellectual conversations. Geminis love to collect and share all sorts of information and are rather seen to be “geniuses”.

Although, they can be easily bored if they’re not getting enough mental stimulation. Geminis with their abilities to detach themselves make them excellent observers, but this can make them very difficult to be close to and be intimate with. People note them to be confusing and hard to understand, but this is because their mind is always active and switching from one topic to another (as they are represented by “the Twins”). Geminis enjoy seeing the “lighter” side of life, making them more fun and pleasing to be around. It’s guaranteed that there is never a dull moment when you’re with a Gemini!

Shaw holds a good representation as a Gemini. He always has a witty remark to say to MC, has a way with words, is shown by how he reacts to “fight or flight” situations, and stresses the usage of his favourite word, “bored”. Shaw, by having this placement of the Sun in Gemini also gives much strength to his Mercury (the planet of communication) which is also in Gemini (more on this later).

Shaw: “What do people usually do during dates?”

MC: “Uh, it’s usually eating, shopping and watching movies.”

Shaw: “That’s too boring, isn’t it? Since it’s a date with you, I’d like to get your feedback. What would you like to do?”

MC: “Nothing else.”

Shaw: “Then, what do you want to do?”

He thought for a couple of seconds and raised his eyebrows slowly, with a hint of glimmer of dark light in his eyes.

“You'll agree to anything that I do…?” -One Day Date

MC: “Why did you suddenly take an interest in reading?”

Shaw: “For the final exam.”

Despite his concentration, he flipped the pages with incredible speed- it seemed as if he didn't like what he read. -Summer Night Birthday Date

Shaw values all forms of communication and self-expression, whether it would be through music, writing, and teaching others about ancient relics. Additionally, it appears that he enjoys a range of hobbies, such as playing the bass, skateboarding and spray-painting, due to his interest in the wide variety of passions he developed. MC notices this on one of her earliest dates with him.

MC: “Hey, you seem to have a wide range of hobbies.” -One Day Date

Moon ☾ The Moon in our charts shows what your home is like, your upbringing, the relationship between your mother, the unconscious, your instincts and what you need. It tells us a lot about a person’s emotions, how they deal with it and how they express it to others.

Shaw's Moon is in Capricorn ♑︎ Productivity, work, and feeling useful and respected are the basic need for Lunar Caps. They like to keep their emotions in check, as they want to maintain being the cool-headed, practical and steady person of any group and in any project. Moon in Capricorn suggests that they have clear boundaries and realistic kinds of goals, looking for reassurance and security in what they do. They value and respect tradition and all things tangible and real. Moon Caps look forward to working towards their distant future goals, planning one step at a time. When feeling moody, their emotions will emphasise the pressure they had already put on themselves. Additionally, this is why letting their guard down to be comforted and to be reminded that they are not alone is very beneficial. Capricorns are unwilling to stand down, especially when it comes to emotionally “letting go”, hiding their sensitivity under a sarcastic manner. Wherever Capricorn is found in the chart, there is a desire for control, structure, and organisation. Emotions are well dealt with and handled in an efficient and practical manner.

There is a certain mysteriousness and sadness behind Shaw that can be subtly detected and yet to further explore deeply. This might have come from past trauma, possibly related to family relations. He has realistic expectations and justifications for his emotions, and when it comes to his goals, he will utilise these to help him slowly achieve them. Shaw is slowly letting his guard around MC, and gradually allowing him to love.

MC: “How can you draw so well?” I murmured quietly, envying his skills which require much talent.

Shaw: “Is it good? In a few months, it will fade into obscure and worthless trash."

He glanced at the wall with an undisguised contempt, as if it was not his own work that he was judging.

“It’s a failure.” He shook a spray can and started spraying it on the wall.

MC: “Wait! Why are you doing this?”

Shaw did not avert his eyes, and stood with his arms folded, refusing to give in.

Shaw: “But it's flawed now.” -One-Day Date

After a few seconds of silence, he frowned and put everything in his arms back on the table except for a can of coke. “Don’t act like you know me so well.” -Exciting Moments Date

Perhaps it was because I didn't believe that Shaw would appear so calm or so still, or because I wanted to explore why he looked so focused, I also looked at him in silence.

Shaw: “You really like to immerse yourself in your past.”

MC: “Find strength through the memories, then grow and become stronger.” I suddenly recalled a line from a TV series, and read it out.

A flicker of doubt flashed through his eyes, and eventually condensed into a dismissive look.

Shaw: “Who told you that we can only become stronger with memories?”

MC: “Why are you so dismissive?”

Speaking of which, what made Shaw so strong if it’s not finding strength from his “memory” or “past”?

Shaw: Why are you telling me this? Reminiscing every day means you’re getting old.”

Rain started to shower from the gloomy sky. I looked up, and found that the dark clouds were only above this small area of filming location. It was actually very sunny over at the antique market.

Fortunately, the rain was not heavy, and was even getting lighter as he predicted. He pulled at his hair, shaking off the scattering beads of rain. Such serenity did not match my impression of him, yet it was unexpectedly harmonious and natural.

MC: “Are you the rain god? Why does it always rain when I'm out with you?”

Shaw: “It’s because I can control the weather.”

At this point, the rain, which had stopped just a short while, suddenly fell again, but more densely. The smirk on his face was not gone yet. The rain seemed to be getting heavier. I felt more saddened as he spoke, yet Shaw just laughed. -Seeking Date

As a Capricorn Moon, his value and respect for tradition, and in all things tangible is very much obvious, and is highlighted with his display of knowledge about historic relics in Loveland’s museum shown in various dates, being the only student in the Department of Archeology of in Loveland University, as well in this scene from Season 2 that I couldn’t bear to leave out.

Mercury ☿ Mercury is the communication planet. When you write, speak, absorb information and how rational we are, you’re using your Mercury. It refines our Sun sign and helps define how we take in and give out information. It also talks about short distance travelling, governing your thirst for knowledge, your wit and negotiating skills. If someone is an excellent talker, it’s thanks to their Mercury placements.

Shaw's Mercury in Gemini ♊︎ Since Mercury is already ruled by Gemini, which makes it a favourable placement for quick-witted communication. Gemini Mercury placements may come across as being scattered and restless, but this is because of their different interests, seemingly knowing a little bit about everything. They easily gain knowledge where all sorts of facts and figures are up their alley, however generally have too many interests to deeply delve all into one. They can thrive in a stimulating environment as they are fast adapters who effortlessly learn and multitask at lightning speed.

This overlaps with Shaw’s Gemini Sun Placement. He may confuse MC sometimes with his personality and wit, but it’s nice to see MC adapt to it as well, because they have a lot to learn and grow from each other. He encourages MC to live life more boldly, while she teaches him to take things slower and be more aware of how his emotions and thoughts should work in harmony under special circumstances.

“He has no problem with the noise from rehearsals, and yet he can't stop criticising me for being noisy. He gets easily bored by things and yet he never gets tired on aimless strolls. Moreover, he always disagrees with me…” -Exciting Moment Date

MC: “Are you doing something illegal?”

Shaw: “What do you think?” Shaw looked at me playfully, and I could not help taking a step back vigilantly.

MC: “I'm a good law-abiding citizen and I won't be your accomplice!”

Shaw: “That's not up to you.”

MC: “Oh no! What should we do, what if we get caught!”

Shaw: “Nothing. Having a date at the police station should be a good experience.” -One-Day Date

Additionally, those reoccurring moments when he says that he had changed his mind also stems from the “twinning” aspect of Gemini in his thought process.

Shaw: “Give the cake and forks to me.”

MC: “Didn’t you say you didn’t want it?”

Shaw: “I changed my mind.” -Exciting Moments Date

Venus ♀︎ The planet Venus is ultimately the planet of love, beauty, wealth, our material things and what we do with all that sort of jazz. It’s the pleasures, our sentiments, what we do for leisure and what we value. Grace, charm, creativity, and entertainment are ruled by Venus. We can use this planet to see how we approach relationships of the heart, investigate our ability to attract and the attraction to others (or things).

Shaw's Venus is in Cancer ♋︎ These kinds of people are quite sensitive and insecure when it comes to love, with egos perhaps said to be a little bit undeveloped but have so much love, comfort, security, and care to offer. These aspects are emphasised for Cancers, who pay more attention to your feelings rather than said words. All they want is a safe, solid and secure relationship. They can be moody when it comes to love, though they are not afraid of emotional confrontations and to put their emotions on display when feeling it’s safe.

But once they are hurt, they will have a hard time forgiving. Pleasing them will involve a lot of sentimentality, as recognising their influences and attachments are from the family and home. When fearful of being rejected, they can resort to some frustrating tactics to find out how loved they are. Venus Cancers will want to be cared for, and in return their partner will be rewarded with a loving, dependable and patient lover.

Shaw puts up a front with his teasing and seemingly lack of interest to attend events with MC, though we can tell that he’s a very thoughtful and intuitive lover. Once he has allowed himself to internally address his feelings, he will use straightforward methods in how he communicates it to MC, again, strengthened by his Gemini placements. Additionally, Cancers will cling onto something or someone that is of value to them, because it evokes memories and emotions. In the same sense, if there is someone that Shaw has his eye on, he will inch closer to them, and will be unwilling to give them up once he has them.

I tried to reach out and pull him down while watching out for him, but he just took me by surprise and grabbed my hand instead. I quickly pressed down my skirt with the other hand. Probably realising something, his amber eyes widened slightly, then let go of me, with a low “tsk”. -Seeking Date

Shaw: “Why can’t you let that go?”

MC: Because I'm sick of you treating me like this. One time, you waited for me to get to the Live House to tell me that there was a change in venue, and there was also this one time when you- achoo!”

I pulled my jacket tighter around myself. Suddenly there was a rustle above my head and I found myself covered in a warm coat. Shaw stood up without a word as if he didn't hear me. Clad in a white shirt, he looked at once familiar and strange from behind.

Then I noticed his hand in the pocket. I was expecting him to conjure something for me like he did last time with the Dragonfly Eye. Before I could react, Shaw suddenly grabbed me by hand. With no gloves on, he tightly wrapped his slender fingers around my palm. I felt an unexpectedly soft and warm sensation.

MC: “Let go of me!”

Shaw: “No, I don’t want to.”

Shaw: “You've been asking questions about me all day. Do you really want to get to know me? Bring your ear closer. I can tell you all about myself.”

-Exciting Moments Date

His hand flew past my face and landed on the back of my head. With a slight jerk, he pulled me toward him. Our foreheads were then pressed together, and I felt the warmth of his forehead resting on mine, my breath on my skin, his unintentional touch, and his body pressed against mine. -Summer Night Birthday Date

“Do you like me? Yes or no?” -Unanswered Phone Call

Mars ♂︎ Mars is the go-getter planet. Full of fire and passion, nothing would be done without it. It can give insights on how we can chase our goals and what our desires and our plans of attack are. Aggressive behaviour, lust and anger fall under this planet.

Shaw's Mars is in Libra ♎︎ Mars Libras often reflect about the things they do before they act, needing to weigh out all the decisions first. They also can get easily caught up in defending themselves and others, as well as charming others to win others’ favour if needed. They wish to not be disturbed in their life or how they “operate”, going about with the desire to balance everything, with almost having a seemingly passive-aggressive approach to situations. Mars Libras know when to compromise and manage conflict, as well as predicting problems and discord well in advance. Libras will question themselves on how they can make the playing field more fair, intervening when necessary and when things aren’t. Shaw demonstrates this during his bus stop intervention when he first meets MC, on his dates with her, as well as his confrontation with Gavin.

“Don’t hesitate if you have already thought it through.”

MC: “What’s the matter?”

Shaw shrugged, lifted the corner of his lip, and looked at me, saying this firmly word by word.

Shaw: “Don’t forget that this is our punishment. Be a good loser.” -One-Day Date

“What are you laughing at? Stop it.” he reached out his hand, trying to mess up my hair. I quickly dodged backward and started laughing harder.

“Hey.”

A stunned look flashed Shaw’s eyes. Before he finished his sentence, I slipped and fell heavily backwards. He looked at me before a hint of schadenfreude appeared in his eyes. Then he said in a raised tone, “that's what you get for laughing too hard.”

He then sat down with me. I turned to him in confusion.

MC: “Why did you sit down when you’re supposed to help me up?”

Shaw: “Because I wanted to.” -Exciting Moments Date

Brutal gales whipped up gravel and rocked trees. A bolt of lightning split the sly, illuminating the two people locked in a standoff.

Gavin’s face was completely devoid of its former calm, and in its place was wrath. The man opposite Gavin squinted his eyes ever so slightly. He went wild with laughter, and an arrogant expression swept back over his face.

Shaw: “Well, we’re finally starting to get serious. It’s about time.”

Gavin: “I warned you! She’s off-limits.”

Shaw: “Are you threatening me?”

Gavin: “You aren’t worthy.”

The man lifted his eyebrow and slowed his speech purposefully.

Shaw: “Anyway, my objective has been reached. I don’t mind toying with you. But I don't know how long this girl you’re obsessed with has long to live...”

The two fought with increasing ferocity. The man was slowly losing ground. Then, the sky roared, and a white flame connected heaven and earth. The man was gone without a trace. -Chapter 11-24

Jupiter ♃ Jupiter is the largest planet, a gas giant, known to expand as the “benefactor” of our solar system. Everything it touches is basically blessed. It’s the good luck, confidence, joy, freedom and adventure that it gives to one’s being that it’s so well known for. Jupiter is where you seize your opportunities, take a leap of faith and count your blessings.

Shaw’s Jupiter is in Aquarius ♒︎ Shaw attracts the most good fortune when he’s tolerant and fair, cooperative and inventive, being different from society’s norms and standards. He values technology, people and personal freedom the most, desiring to display his unique skills and talents. He is open to new methods and eccentric ways to progress. We see this as he’s willing to share his knowledge with others, shown in the CN Creative Date and Summer Solstice Date, and when Shaw offers a hand to help MC by making her alias “Mary Sue” to help her successfully break into STF in later chapters. He also shows her the electricity firework he makes with his Evol, which fascinates MC enough for her to reach out and touch it.

I looked at Shaw's on the other side of the wall. The flaunting design was imposing, as if it was about to jump out at me the next second. Then I looked at my grinning rabbit, which seemed to be the clumsy work of a child.

In the gold and purple pattern, “SHAW” could be faintly recognised while a grinning rabbit stood at the top of the world. They actually seemed… quite in harmony? -One-Day Date

MC: “Is that the same MP4 player you had on the bus?”

Shaw: “Yes, someone gifted it to me a long time ago.” Emboldened by his straightforwardness, I couldn't help but move slower. -Exciting Moments Date

Floating on his palm was a sizzling firework giving off dazzling sparks. I was stunned by the sight. I couldn’t believe that Evol could do that. I reached out to touch it, but Shaw stopped me.

“Are you out of your mind? It’s charged with electricity.” -Summer Night Birthday Date

Saturn ♄ Saturn is the planet of karma, restrictions, life lessons, hard facts and the challenges in life. It governs structure, our fears, work and self-discipline. Saturn is cold and calculating, however once the challenges and lessons Saturn have been mastered, great wisdom with great rewards can be obtained.

Shaw's Saturn is in Aries ♈︎ Aries Saturns are highly resourceful coming up with fresh ideas for our goals. They don’t like showing weakness and need to be careful when limiting themselves due to fear of failure or making a poor decision. They’re very self- reliant because they rarely ask for help. They need to be shown that not “being first” is okay.

It’s proven that Shaw has a competitive side to him, seen in the CN Summer Solstice Date and his Rumours and Secrets, where Shaw refuses to give up and ends up doing dolphin flips on his skateboard in a match against a senior and wins after his first loss. In Accompanying Date, he acknowledges his embarrassing moments when he got caught skipping class, then reflects on them. We also see this as he flees his battle with Gavin when he almost loses.

Shaw: "I just remember winning. Don’t people at ten years old want to get swept away, win against everyone, and leave them far behind?" -CN Summer Solstice Date

Shaw: "The fence of the school was disagreed with by the elementary students. Back then, my skills weren’t refined yet. I got discovered by a teacher when I fell from it." While reminiscing, Shaw pouts unhappily. -CN Accompanying Date

The two fought with increasing ferocity. The man was slowly losing ground. Then, the sky roared, and a white flame connected heaven and earth. The man was gone without a trace. -Chapter 11-24

Uranus ♅ Wherever Uranus is in the chart, it’s where we want to break free, where we want to do things our own way, when you don’t care what everyone else is doing or thinking about. It’s where we express our ideals on freedom, innovation and experience great epiphanies. We strive for independence with the influence of the Uranus character. As a result, we learn to rebel, break traditions and authority. It shakes things up from our past and into the modern future. It is often associated with unpredictability, chaos and anarchy.

Shaw's Uranus is in Aquarius ♒︎ These people are interested in innovating, changing and updating traditions related to technology, community and individuality. They see freedom through or in these areas, and are ready to rebel if needed. Aquarius Uranus people are open to new ideas and free thought.

Shaw is no stranger to the concept of rebellion. He sneaks into places he shouldn’t be in, spray-paints graffiti, and helps MC access top-secret information in STF. His comments on history further outlines the unique outlook that he challenges with traditional views.

I looked around nervously, remembering that last time, we were chased by city police for street graffiti.

Shaw: “Don’t you want to come? Hurry up.”

MC: “Do you just do anything you like? Do you abide by no rules?” -One-Day Date

Shaw: “What do you think history is?” Student: Those historical relics you told us about just then!”

- Student: “If everything is history, how does one learn it?” Shaw: “There’s no need for an intention. It’s everywhere.” -CN Summer Solstice Date

Neptune ♆ Neptune is the inspirational planet of dreams, inspirations, soulmates, enlightenment and sacrifice. It’s all about connection with the universe and the world around you, however can have the polar effect of deception and illusion, along with disappearances of sorts. It can also govern your music tastes and influence on how you can inspire others.

Shaw’s Neptune is in Capricorn ♑︎ With this placement, his idealistic world will be based around realism, morality, and responsibility. He has to believe in the ground foundations of realisability of his dreams- enough so that it usually has a realistic thread about them. General optimism and faith will be lacking if he’s not doing something that he is passionate about and finds inspiration in. However, he has the capacity to change his practical dreams into reality the most. His influences and contributions come from his connection with Dark/MC, again with Mars in Libra, and is seen as a guide and spectator, though less passive than a Time Observer. It’s also clear that Shaw cares a lot for his music and his band. He even recognises a plagiarised song in one of his Rumours and Secrets.

“Playing with the band is just a hobby, so Shaw rarely creates something from scratch. He must have hidden things he wanted to say in his music, but never mentioned it to anyone.” -Summer Night birthday Date

Shaw: "No wonder these people didn’t realise it, they copied an unpopular song from the 80s. You should also improve your musical literacy so you wouldn’t be confused by these things." -CN Glacier Navigation Rumours and Secrets

My phone started buzzing in my outer coat pocket. I took it out and saw an unfamiliar number. A few moments of hesitation, I answered it. An unfamiliar voice came from the other end.

“Long time, no see. I’m sure you’re trying to guess who I am right now.” There was something in his voice that gave me a sense of déjà vu.

MC: “May I ask, what this is about?”

“I can’t just call you for no reason? Everyone has already forgotten you. You are officially someone who shouldn’t exist in this world.

MC: “Impossible! Just who are you, anyway?”

“Go see for yourself. For instance, at the place where it all started.” -Chapter 19-1

Outside the floor to ceiling window, a tall man with light purple hair was looking at me in the eye, an unmistakable smile on his lips. Who is this person? He waved at me and strove in the diner.

“Oh, here you are.” He greeted me with such familiarity, a few loose strands of hair fell over his forehead, softening his sharp eyes. His actions were swift and sure, giving me no time to interrupt. His face seemed so familiar but I can’t remember where I’ve seen it before.

MC: “Who are you?”

Hearing this, the young man’s brow raised, and the look of amusement flashed over his eyes.

“You don’t remember? You bumped my skateboard.”

MC: “Oh! We met on the bus. But how is it that you remember me?”

He didn’t answer me straight away. He just observed my expression with great interest, seemingly enjoying watching my reaction.

“I’m the one who called you. It’s me. The dream world has no effect on me.”

Pluto ♇ Pluto is the Lord of the Underworld, and is not to be messed around with. It’s responsible for great destructible transformations and corresponds to the life, death and rebirth cycle. It’s the detoxing planet, for you to awaken and be reborn. It shows us where we can change the world, alongside right where we can go into the abyss of the cunning and controlling energies of Pluto. Its powers can be ever so subtle, however it can have the forces to trash you with the realisations of what you need to let go in order to transform. Think of it as the “healing crisis” moments that you can thank Pluto for.

Shaw's Pluto is in Sagittarius ♐︎ They take beliefs and philosophy of life very seriously, more than most. They believe deeply in personal freedom and expression, questioning ideologies in place. They often watch for a tendency to move from one project to another, perhaps due to inhuman expectations. They are motivated and driven by the vision of a better world, therefore their faith in humanity is strong.

Shaw helps MC multiple times when she is in need, additionally supporting her beliefs and vision to save the world and everyone in it, like when she first entered the Winter World and helped her rescue the kidnapped children against her battle with Leto in the Chapter 34. He even gives her his necklace- the Dragonfly Eye in the end of Season 1 and wishes her well once they meet again.

Shaw: “Oh yeah, the other you is really funny. Today, she saved someone on the street. Did you use to do stuff like that too?”

Dark MC: “I’m not like her. I don’t do meaningless things like that. Stick to the plan.”

Shaw: “Oh? I’d thought you’d like this scene. What are you planning to do, anyway?”

Dark MC: “Why of course, I’m going to accept my place as QUEEN.” -Behind the Curtain Chapter 5

MC: “Shaw, what are you doing here? Where’s Leto?”

Another thunder flashes, Shaw’s face was reflected clearly and I saw him lift his eyebrow slightly.

Shaw: “You are so slow. Did you bring the notebook? Keep it and give it to me later.”

MC: “You haven’t answered why you are here.”

Shaw: “And I thought you were starting to get smarter. None of us can stay out of it now. If I don’t intervene, this world is finished.”

I would love to see more about Shaw’s background character and his upbringing as to why he had appeared a bit defensive in some dates. Poor Shaw :( Hopefully this study allowed you all to gain a deeper understanding of Shaw and his character, and to why he’s important in the main storyline and other events alike.

#happy birthday Shaw #brain is fried but let's continue making more content #mlqc #love and producer #mr love queens choice #恋与制作人 #mlqc analysis #mlqc en #mlqc cn #mlqc shaw #mlqc ling xiao #birth chart #astrology

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freckliedan · 3 years

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welcome to dream analysis with denjamin! in today's stereo show phil talked about a dream he'd had last night, i like doing dream analysis, and so i'm gonna do that under the cut because i think in essays ✌

i am not physically capable of a helpful tldr my apologies

the 2 comments phil made were "i dreamt that there was 8 new fish in the tank last night which was quite happy" & "i dreamt that there was 8 new fish and they were like flourescent purple, and i was like wow they're really pretty but then you [dan] were like 'we need to get 8 seperate tanks for each fish' because they're betta fish so then we were looking for tanks and then i woke up".

the main symbols i'd say exist in this dream are fish, fish tanks, water, the color purple, and the number 8; these all have established symbolic meaning but it's always also important to consider the more literal and personal connections to the dreamer's life. i would also like to start out by saying that my favored framework for dream analysis is that which views every single part of a dream as the dreamer, even other people—you're only ever able to know the world from your own perspective, and therefore your understanding of others is just an extension of yourself, especially in dreams.

fish: fish have existed for a long time so there's a lot of potential symbolic meanings for them! phil said this was a happy dream though, so i think the relevant potential meanings would be

fish as emotions

fish as insights from his subconscious mind

fish as symbolic of abundance/creation

fish tanks:

fish in a tank being representitive of unexamined or previously unexpressed emotions (fish as feelings which are being contained)

seeing fish in a tank can be tied to feeling in control of/in touch with ones' emotions (seeing the fish/emotions clearly)

watching fish confined in a tank can be tied to the dreamer themself feeling trapped.

water: water in general is tied to emotions, relationships, the unconscious and intuition. it can also be tied to healing; calm water can symbolize being at peace with yourself/being revitalized.

purple: colour symbolism varies across contexts and cultures but i believe the relevant potential meanings here are wealth/esteem (as purple is tied to royalty), creativity, and clarity of ambition/success.

the number 8: in numerology 8 as a number (when manifesting positive traits) is tied to achievement, balance, endurance, prosperity/wealth—a person with clarity of purpose. think capricorn or scorpio in astrology, or the tarot card strength (in the major arcana)—the commonalities in meaning between the 8 of pentacles/wands/cups/swords is also a good way of getting to know the meaning of the number 8.

my takeaway from all of this? the dream was phil processing his emotions about the transitional period he and dan are in—transitional both because they are moving and because they're reintroducing regularly occuring joint content for the first time since coming out. there's really clear motifs of meaning here: emotions, wealth/abundance/creativity, and a feeling of security.

the combination of fish as wealth + purple as wealth + 8 as wealth makes it so clear this is overall a time of success and like—reaping? dan and phil have been toiling towards their goals and sowing the seeds for the future they wanted for years and they're finally arriving at this celebratory harvest time.

but! sometimes when you spend so long working towards something, it can take a while for it to feel real even once you've reached that goal. i think the reality is just now sinking in of arriving at this dream (of a forever home)! and the emotions/fish phil is experiencing are unexpected, even if they're positive & being processed from a place of security and calm.

i also think part of that positivity is tied to the new possibilities phil can see opening up in the near future once they've moved, likely in all areas of life, though i assume we'll likely only ever hear much about new creative endeavors!

i do also see a little stress and caution manifested in this dream, though neither shifts the overall positive tone. the delays with construction might be creating a feeling of being trapped—stuck in the present logistical nightmare of living out if boxes.

i think the fish tank and dream dan (so, an understanding phil holds of who dan is in his life) asserting the need for seperate tanks for each fish on the basis of them being bettas is interesting. if phil hadn't said that it was a happy dream, i could potentially see it being indicative of discomfort with the fish/emotions or being overwhelmed by the fact that they'd appeared?

but instead it to me reads as a careful, intentional approach towards the fish/feelings/new possibilities, not coming from a place of discomfort but rather from a place of self assuredness. AND both the caution and assuredness being tied to phil's perception of dan as a person who exists in his life.

i suppose in summary phil's dream about 8 purple fish in a fish tank needing to be separated translates to a wealth of new possibilities including creative ones that he's approaching from a place of security alongside dan.

#amazingphil #phil lester #dnp #danandphil #phan #den posts #den thoughts #fully don't get weird in my ask box i'm literally doing dream analysis about a famous stranger not claiming i'm right about everything this #something else that's fun? i drew a tarot card abt this after writing this up and got the king of cups so confident connection to emotions #dnp dream analysis #<-new organizational tag mayhaps

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soliverse · 3 years

Text

baby don’t like it - q.kn

pairing: royal au duke!kun x princess!reader ft my best girl, Irene of Red Velvet

genre: angst, much muuuch stronger than the last one

warnings: mentions of violence, cheating, cussing, alcohol consumption (again, nothing too explicit, just giving you a bit of a heads up.

word count: 3171

Prompts:

“Keep the change, ya filthy animal.” - Home Alone (weird choice, I know)

“Baby, whether rain or shine, naughty or nice. I'm by your side.” - Ariana Grande (Not Just On Christmas)

ps: did I just write another angst for another Christmas special?

Yes. Yes, I did.

Baby Don’t Like It is a part of my Walking in a Winter Wonderland Collab with @suh-insane and @neocitybynight. Once again, this is one of my first collabs and I am thankful for the approachable anons that let me join this event.

You can check the Walking In A Winter Wonderland event and the works of my fellow NCT writers over here!

networks: @nctcreations @kdiarynet @kpopscape

Men.

You’ve always hated them.

You’ve hated how your father treated your mother. You’ve hated how you’re treated all your life just because you’re not born as a man. You've always hated how they controlled every single decision in your life. You've hated how you're forced to marry someone you don't love for "the sake of our people".

But out of all the men that you hated; it was the one right in front of you.

As your assistants helped you get dressed, your husband was just sitting there on his phone, looking all nice and fine and smiling from ear to ear. He looked divine, suit garbed in black and red, making him look almost ethereal. Strands of his dark hair falls into his forehead, framing his perfect face even more. At the same time, he decided to wear his circular glasses, something that he did if he didn’t want to use his contact lenses.

Overall, his outfit made him look like one of those princes from those fairytale books that you had as a kid.

You can't help but roll your eyes, but you can't say whether it's from your assistants eyeing Kun or that he just HAD to be there to see you get dressed. After hours of getting ready, they placed a heavy tiara on your head as a finishing touch.

You stood up from your seat and twirled, making sure that everything looked perfect. You walked towards Kun and did a little wave to get his attention away from his phone. It didn’t work, so you walked closer to the couch and tapped his leg. This time, he shot up a look in your direction, still smiling.

“Oh hey. You good to go?”

You nodded as an answer. The two of you then made your way into your car, him being the driver. The car ride was eerily quiet. None can be heard except for other vehicles passing by and funky Christmas songs blasting from people outside. Well, there isn’t that much to talk about. You’ve spent every hour with each other that you feel like there’s more to share.

This is probably the reason why he suggested the event in the first place. Social events aren't really your thing, but at least it’s better than to stay at home and celebrate Christmas in silence. Or worse, spend it at your parents' mansion.

“Hey baby, cheer up a little.”

He was the first one to break the silence.

“Thank you for coming with me to the event. It means a lot to me.”

His voice was soft, just like it had always been whenever he’s talking to you. He moves closer from the other side of the and took your hand, squeezing it tightly. You never said anything. You just smiled at him in return, not really knowing what to say. It stayed that way until you reached the venue.

It was already a bit late at night and the whole city glistened from the twinkling lights that adorned it. The snow slowly falling down made your entrance to the party even more magical.

The car door has opened and cameras started flashing left and right. Dozens of paparazzi surrounded the area while the guards tried their best to keep them out. Kun made a point to wave to everyone, a move that everyone loved. You tried to force a smile as he wrapped his arms around your hips, feeling the silky fabric of the dress that you’re wearing.

Everyone greeted him, of course. His cheery self was acknowledged by everyone around him. Meanwhile, you just politely bowed at everyone else, forcing an awkward smile whenever someone tried to make interactions. They were probably bummed up that YOU had to go with, though. After all, Kun was the life of the party. The darling of the crowd. The Diana to your Charles.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome our honorable guests for tonight. The main benefactor of Little Angels’ Children Hospital and the people behind this lovely event, Duke Kun and Her Highness Princess Y/N of the Northernshore.”

The crowd applauded as you made your way into the grand halls and took your place in the seat designated for the both you. It was a table that was isolated from everyone else, so the two of you are just stuck together. Sitting there was uncomfortable to say the least. You knew he wanted to mingle with people, but being the introvert that you are, he can’t leave you alone.

The program proceeded as usual. The children from the hospital sang some carols which touched everyone’s hearts. One of the cute little girls gave you a small figurine that she made. You gave her a warm hug before letting her join the other children on the stage. Kun, on the other hand, was trying his best to focus on the gala.

“Is something wrong?”

“No. Not at all.” He chuckled awkwardly, sneaking peeking on his phone from time to time. You didn’t pay him that much attention and shifted your focus back to the kids. The host announced that dinner will be served soon and the program will resume right after. You felt the need to go to the bathroom and so you tugged on his jacket to get his attention. Some Christmas carol was playing overhead and so he leaned down to hear what you had to say.

“Excuse me for a second. I need to powder my nose.”

You shyly whispered in his ear. He again flashes a sweet smile before nodding. Other people are so standing up from their seats, taking this opportunity to mingle with other people while dinner is being prepared. The guards offered to go with you but you declined and insisted that they stayed with Kun. From far away, you can see a bunch of people enthusiastically going to his direction. You just sighed as you walked across the crowd of people with your head down.

As you’ve finally reached the bathroom, the first thing you did was lock the stall and breathe. You rested your head at the door for a few seconds before finally doing your business. You’ve heard some people entered the bathroom. Your ears perked up to listen at their conversation. To your relief, none of them talked about you. They didn’t take long inside, probably just touched up, and left the bathroom.

Making sure that no one is inside, you opened the door and proceeded to look at yourself in the mirror. You weren’t that bad. Your red silky dress complimented your body and skin well. There are strands of your hair cascading from your messy bun, but that just added to your look. You look fine. It’s just that in everything that you say and do, everything pales in comparison to your husband. Opening the sink, you washed your hands and tried to snap out of Grinch mode. After all, it’s almost Christmas. You should be having fun.

///

After leaving the bathroom, this time with a much jollier attitude, you saw Kun sitting in the same table. This time, he was with a woman. A woman that you knew pretty well.

Minji used to be your bestfriend during highschool. She was the only one kind enough to talk to you and actually get to know you as a person. Unfortunately, things changed just as soon as you reached college. Kun was a junior at that time and he became the guide that toured the freshmen throughout the university. Minji has been whipped ever since and Kun returned the favor.

Her family aren’t a part of the royals, which meant they can’t be together. A fact that had always pained you whenever you think about it. A part of you still felt guilty upon breaking the former couple apart. You never had the guts to faced Minji and so you made your way towards the open bar. Maybe some drinks will help you clear your head.

Trying to hide from other people and the guards, you picked a seat just right at the farthest corner of the open bar. You sat at one of the counters and ordered whatever drink that can get you drunk the fastest. You downed the drink fast, not even minding the harsh taste that it leaves as soon as it hits your tastebuds.

A voice suddenly interrupted your drinking session. You tried to hide your face to avoid being recognized, but the woman still sat down right next to you.

“A princess shouldn’t be drinking like that.”

“Excuse me?”

You finally turned around, casually flashing a playful smile at you. Your eyes grew wider at the sudden realization of who she is.

“Irene! It’s been ages!”

You almost spilled your drink to the floor as you stood up to hug one of your old college pals.

“It’s been forever, and yet you still act like a royal novice.”

The lass never changed. She was still her snobby self, a trait that you used to hate before you came to realize that that’s just her quirk.

The two of you are almost squealing before finally letting go of each other. You sat back down excitedly before pouring yourself another drink.

“Okay. Why are you here?”

“Remember Suho? The doctor? Well, he’s thinking doing business with the hospital. He’s making it some sort of an extension.”

"I still couldn’t believe that you got married." You said while chuckling. The old Irene had always had this intimidating aura to her that no boy ever dared to talk to her. It’s something that the two of you had in common.

"I could say the same about you."

Irene snickered as she motioned the bartender to bring more drinks for the two of you. She casually grabbed her wine glass, being the classy lady that she is, and took a bit of a sip at her sparkling champagne, eyeing you shadily like there’s something she’s trying to tell you.

“I see that your husband is having fun without you.”

You just sighed as a response.

“Royals are for royals, Y/N. Minji isn’t born with a title.That is not your fault. Keep your head high for fuck’s sake. You’re THE Princess.”

You raised an eyebrow at her, preparing to talk her down to filth. However, her phone lit up from a phone call that she's receiving.

"I'm gonna have to leave you for a sec. It's Suhyun's babysitter."

She gave an apologetic smile before grabbing her purse from the counter and finishing the last of her drink.

"I’ll be back in a moment.”

She tossed a wink at your direction before you’re left alone in the bar once again. You started drinking once again when you felt a tap on your shoulder. Thinking it was Irene, you turned around and was about to talk smack to her. Instead, it was your husband. He grabbed you by your wrist and took you to an empty storage room nearby.

“The guards have been looking for you everywhere.”

His voice was low, but you can tell that he’s incredibly pissed.

"I just needed a drink to lighten myself up. Figured you need some time to hang out with your colleagues without your boring wife tagging along."

“You’re glad that I found you first. What would the media say if they saw the princess drinking like she’s in a college frat party?”

You just rolled your eyes at him and tried to free your hand from his tightening grip.

“I want to go home.”

“You are not going home in the middle of the event!”

You scoffed.

“Yes, I can. I’m the Princess. Just tell them I feel sick or something.”

You finally managed to escape his grasp and you walked out of the storage room by yourself and walked back into the. Sure enough, you used your acting lessons to feign an illness. The guards took charge immediately and escorted you back to the car. It caused a bit of a scene, so it didn’t take long before Irene found you. She whispered something in your ear and you just nodded.

“Change of plans boys. I’m going to we’re going to the hospital.”

///

"Wakey-wakey…”

Kun felt a sudden surge of pain running through his body. His vision was blurry, pupil still adjusting to the light blaring through his face. Despite this, he can definitely see one thing. It was a silhouette of a woman.

"Ugh… Who are you?"

Moans and groans escaped his busted lips, the taste of metal fills his mouth. Not only was his mouth filled with his own blood, he was struggling to talk because of the dryness in his throat. He tried to move but his body felt sore. His arms and feet were tied up to this chair, making it impossible for him to get up.

The last thing that he remembered is that he is on a car ride somewhere, until his own guards pointed their guns at him.

The woman just laughed as a response. She walked towards him, dragging something heavy behind her. The screeching sound coming from the friction of the floor and metal stings in his ear.

Suddenly, he felt a hand run up to his shoulder into his neck making all of the hair in his body stand up. He had never felt more scared in his life. He felt her face lean over and whispered something to his ear.

"You know very well who I am Kun."

"Irene…"

The woman laughed once again. It sounded darker and more maniacal than earlier.

"I'm glad you remembered you my name after all these years. However, I'm afraid I’d have to cut this reunion short."

Just as she stood up, another silhouette appeared from the dark. The tapping of the back of her heels filled echoed across the hospital room, completely stealing your attention from Irene.

This time, he's certain about who it is.

"When you said that you'll make my problems disappear, this isn't what I had in mind."

You took the coat off of your body, letting in fall to the floor. He was about to beg you to release him, but he noticed something.

You had that dangerous look in you. Your blank cold stare even scarier than Irene's. The typical shy demeanor was dropped and instead replaced by those of predator. Someone that wants to eat him alive and make him disappear in the face of the Earth.

"I had a little fun with him already, if you don't mind.”

Irene walked towards your direction, smiling from ear to ear seeing her old friend back like this.

“I’m afraid I have to leave you here darling. Suhyun and her father is probably looking for mommy right now. Call me when you need me.” She gave you a delicate peck on your cheek before walking away from the room.

Now, the two of you are left alone. Silence once again peeks in as the two of you just stared at each other. Even up until now, that never changed.

This time, you’re the first one to speak up.

“You’re probably wondering why you’re in this situation.”

You took one of the seats and dragged it just a few meters in front of him. You sat down, leaned back while your arms and legs are crossed.

“I know about the affair between you and Minji.”

“Baby, please. It’s nothing...”

He used his sweet voice again, but to you it sounded more like teeth-rotting sugar. That sickly sweet taste that made you want to gag.

“Oh, stop the bullshit. I know about ALL of the affairs.”

You finally stood up from your seat and held your right hand up in the air.

“Let’s see. There’s Rosie, Jessica, Heather…” You spouted more names, taking down a finger every time you mentioned one. Kun is now looking even more uncomfortable. This time, it was his turn to look down, hiding the guilt-ridden expression of his face. Your finger touched his chin, tipping his face up in your direction.

“Wanna know how I knew?”

You poked your tongue in your cheeks and rolled your eyes before giving him one hard slap on his cheek.

“It’s because of those damn glasses! I can see every lewd picture that they send you, asshole!”

You look down at his direction and you saw tears running down from his face. He was trying his best not to sob because his own mouth betrayed him.

“What, baby? you don’t like being slapped in the face? Isn’t that what you wanted Minji to do to you whenever you’re fucking at the manor when I’m at business trips?”

The last sentence made you choke on your words. The combination of seeing Kun crying and the recollection of memories made you a bit soft. Your legs shook, making you kneel down on the ground and sob like a little girl when someone had taken her toys away from her.

“Why did it have to be Minji?”

“I-I’m sorry Y/N. Please… Let me fix this.”

You wiped you tears away just as you dropped this bombshell.

“Why did it have to be her? My first love?”

Picking yourself from the floor, you went back to where your discarded coat is. You wiped your tears out with the sleeves of the coat while you rummaged through its pockets.

“I can’t stand it. Even when you married me, she ‘s still stupidly in love with you.”

“W-wait… What do you mean?”

“Minji used to be my pretty little angel. You just had to turn her into your slutty mistress, don’t you?”

You felt something hard on your right pocket. It was the gun that Irene left you earlier at the party. Right beside it was your phone, blowing up with notifications of people greeting you a Merry Christmas as the clock just turned 12:00 a few minutes ago.

“It’s a sad thing that this will be our last Christmas together.”

You said once again, finally calmed down from the tears that you have just shed a few moments ago. Kun was now shouting at his seat, finally aware of what you’re about to do.

“You are not gonna get away with this!”

“Oh. But I will…”

You smirked at him once again.

“If I killed you right now, Irene and his men would take care of your body and discard it without anyone noticing. They do it all the time. If people suspect that I did something to you, I can just say that I went to the hospital to get treated. They have logs and cameras over here to back up my claims.”

You cocked the gun in your hands and started pointing it to his temples.

“..And as for you baby, text records show that you’re about to run away with Minji tonight. All of your other secrets will be exposed and people will finally see what you really are…”

You took a deep breathe before mustering up the courage to pull the trigger.

“Merry Christmas baby. I’m sure they’d appreciate charity events in hell.”

#nctcreations #kdiarynet #kpopscape #wayv #wayv au #nct u #NCT #nct fic #wayv fics #kun #qian kun #royal au #baby don't like it #soliverse

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secondpubertyscene · 3 years

Text

8.14.21

This year has been one of major change. In Octavia Butler’s Parable of the Sower, there’s this quote, “God is Change. Beware: God exists to shape and be shaped,” and I think for the first time since reading it, I get what was being said. While I subscribe to the idea that there is a higher power of some kind, I also believe that we (as in, us as individuals) have great power as well. That power lies in our ability to change, to grow, to persevere. This year has been one of major change, and we really have to talk about it.

It is easy to look at this last year and think, “Well, that fucking sucked” because frankly, it did indeed fucking suck. I could write you a list of things that brought me great pain this year, unbelievable, undeniable, unrelenting pain that still lingers now. But, see, the beauty of it all is that none of that pain happens in a vacuum. Along with the pain, I’ve come through it all with more wisdom, more compassion, more empathy, more gratitude, more peace, more love, and more confidence. I’d like to share how those things all are connected, but first I would like to acknowledge something.

While I don’t know for sure if this is just an American thing, it does seem very clear that Americans aren’t fantastic at processing grief, death, and pain collectively. We often are encouraged to suck it up, to shut up about it, to not make others uncomfortable with our tears and trauma. I believe this is in large part due to the fact that American Exceptionalism doesn’t quite allow us to acknowledge when our systems have failed us or when we are suffering in the “greatest country in the world.” I don’t intend on participating in that toxic positivity or to dismiss the seriousness of the year past. I simply intend on acknowledging the nuances of my experiences, the complexity of it all. Now, let’s begin.

Without recounting every moment in large detail (in part because that would be far too much and also because I don’t need to relieve my traumas today), the events of the last year have been as follows: 1) COVID hit, 2) I had a severe emotional breakdown that resulted in a short stay at the hospital, 3) my grandma passed away, 4) I broke up with my partner of a year, 5) I was officially diagnosed with adult ADHD (inattentive), 6) I got into a PhD program for sociology (fully-funded), and 7) I moved to Ohio (two weeks ago now). So much happened in what feels like a blink of an eye. When you’re a kid, you think a year lasts forever. Now, a year feels like a couple months!

Anyhow, all of these things had super intense negative impacts on my life and most of them had super intense positive impacts on my life. Let’s talk about how. I won’t say that COVID had any “positive” impact on my life, because it’s still currently making things difficult and it is still destroying lives (full worlds) every day. The emotional breakdown that I experienced shortly after COVID began, however, was the impetus for some of the greatest change I would ever make in my life. It began with new therapy, medication for the first time ever to treat my mental illnesses, and a new relationship with boundaries.

Out of this breakdown, I came to realize a few things. 1) I wasn’t really feeling most of my life up until that point. That isn’t to say that I didn’t feel at all or that I wasn’t aware of my feelings all the time, but to say that most of the time, I numbed everything out that was too hard to bear. I didn’t cry, I didn’t write, I didn’t even take the time to try to identify exactly what emotions I did feel. I just lived through it and waited until I felt better. Or, I would breakdown with rage and then feel better. Therapy, especially the group therapy I participated in for a couple weeks after leaving the hospital, changed that in huge ways for me.

Because I was able to sit in my pain, in my discomfort, I was able to actually work through some of my issues. I began to identify the areas in my life that made me genuinely unhappy and began to grant myself permission to feel disappointment. I granted myself the permission to expect more, to want more. I granted myself the permission to set boundaries without guilt or shame. I granted myself freedom. It is an ongoing journey of mistakes and back-peddling and trying again, but it is mine and I am proud of it. Had I not had that breakdown, I don’t know that I would be where I am now.

My grandma dying is one of the most painful things I’ve experienced and honestly, I haven’t dealt with it all the way yet. I didn’t get to say goodbye to her in person, I still am battling the feelings of guilt despite knowing that there likely was nothing I could have done, and my chest still feels heavy thinking about her. Even as I write this, I feel that pain. I know she is not truly gone and that she lives within me, but oh, I do miss her physical presence. The nagging, the phone calls, the hugs, the cooking, her soft hair and beautiful hands. I miss her. Because of her, though, I have been able to rehabilitate another relationship in my life. The relationship I share with my mother.

My mother is a lot of things, but for whatever reason I continually forgot that she too is a victim of hardship brought on by nothing but sheer luck. In this last year, she lost her mother, the man that she loved, multiple cousins, friends that went back to childhood, and who knows who else. She suffered a lot this year and she has suffered a lot over the course of her 61 years of life overall. For the first time, I have been able to really acknowledge her as a full being with a complex history and understand her as a person, rather than just as a parent. I’ve set new boundaries with her as a result, boundaries that have completely change the dynamic of our relationship and will continue to do so as we both learn more about each other. Gone are the days where she relies solely on me for emotional support or financial support. Gone are the days where she feels comfortable talking down to me and then expecting any kind of favors from me. She understands and respects that I am an adult, that I am independent, and that I can terminate our relationship should it get to a point where I feel unsafe again. While this might sound like a threat or even negative, it is in fact quite the contrary.

We now share the belief that I deserve better from her and that my continued relationship with her is founded upon our mutual growth. That’s a beautiful thing that arose from us being pulled together by the loss of someone we both loved more than we maybe even loved ourselves. Thankfully, though, I have come to love myself more than anyone else on this planet. This newfound self-love and respect resulted in the severing of my relationship with my partner.

I won’t pretend like my ex was this horrible person because she wasn’t. She was kind, loving, intelligent, hilarious, unique, complex, and so many other amazing things. I still love her with all of my heart and have thought about her every single day since we broke up. It is not for lack of love that our relationship came to a close. The issue was that I needed more than what she could give. I needed someone who could really sit in my shit with me without invalidating my feelings jokingly because they didn’t know what else to say. I needed someone who could make me feel safe and secure, not fearful and insecure. I needed someone who understood boundaries as openings for futures, not closed doors. I needed someone who could show up for me the way I showed up for them, even when they hurt me, even when they lied out of fear. She wasn’t able to do that. She wasn’t able to stick beside me during the worst days of my life. She wasn’t able to see me beyond our relationship. When my grandma passed and our relationship was on the rocks, she made it about us. She didn’t stop pestering me about our relationship for long enough to give me support on losing someone who meant the world to me. I couldn’t trust her after that and I also realized, I wasn’t required to.

Boundaries in that relationship weren’t healthy. I felt unseen, unprotected, and sometimes even unloved. While I am sure that she has grown even more since we have parted, the reality is that when I ended things, I knew that doing so was the most fair thing I could do for the both of us. This is because I deserve someone who sees my value inherently. I deserve someone who takes the time to understand me, to love me, to see me. Not just see me and them together, but me as an individual separate from them. More importantly, I needed to be able to ask for those things without feeling guilty or bad. As of now, I still don’t know that she sees me as me, as a singular person, and maybe she never will. That is okay. I still love her anyway. I just love me more now. As a part of that love I’ve grown for myself, I also now have sought out more help for myself. This seeking of resources led me to realizing that I was ADHD and helped me change my life.

Being diagnosed with ADHD at 21 felt absolutely ridiculous. How could I be ADHD when I can sit still most of the time and have a pretty decent amount of impulse control? The answers came from my psychiatrist, breaking down the stereotypical understanding of ADHD and allowing me to find myself within the diagnosis. Finding the right combination of medication has been difficult, but what hasn’t been hard at all is finding more resources that help me manage my symptoms. It’s because of some of these resources that I am able to sit here and write this.

A huge part of ADHD is this perfectionist mentality that makes it nearly impossible to start or complete some tasks. Every time I sat down to write in the past, I told myself that I absolutely had to write every single day, once a day, or I should just not do it. When it came to this blog especially, I had so much shame when I failed to post for a long time or had a lull, that I would either consider deleting the whole thing to start over, or just never posting again. I realize now that those were just cop outs for my brain, that I can write as little or as much as I want because it is for ME. It doesn’t have to be perfect; it doesn’t have to be anything but what I need it to be. Waiting for perfection would have me waiting forever because it’s simply not how my brain works. Accepting that is a large part of how I got into my PhD program.

I’m not going to lie. I am still trying to figure out all of the feelings I have regarding this PhD program. I am shocked that I got in, shocked that I got full-funding, shocked that I am now in Ohio, shocked that I am in my own apartment, and overall shocked that I’ve made it this far in general. While I do not believe that I am stupid or not capable of greatness, I am realizing that I’ve always seen myself pursuing something more straightforward. When I was younger, I had a pretty clear idea of what I wanted to do even as those things changed. I knew what was required of me, I knew what I would ultimately do, and I took refuge in that. Doctors go to medical school. Chefs go to culinary school. Forensic anthropologists get masters degrees and do field work. It felt clear cut, straightforward, safe. This is uncharted territory. What do you do post PhD? What do you do DURING PhD years? I suppose I’ll just have to find out!

Anyhow, this year has been intense. Change is always present in our lives and sometimes it brings with gifts that we can only receive when we’re healed enough to take them. I’m hoping to keep healing, keep growing, keep loving, and keep going. I’m learning so much about myself and about the world. I’m loving myself more than I have in the past. I am incredibly proud of where I am. And I’m not done yet.

#personal blog #vent blog #black ftm #black transman #black tpoc #black mental health #personal writing blog #sociology #sociology phd program #covid #grief

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chipper9906 · 3 years

Text

Heal The Cracks Within My Heart - Chapter 2: Rubble and Ruins

<- - - Previous Chapter

WARNING: SPOILERS FOR LOKI SEASON 1 EPISODE 6 ‘FOR ALL TIME. ALWAYS.’

Pairings: Loki/Sylvie

Rating: General Audiences

Chapter Word Count: 12,627

Overall Word Count: 24,700 (In Progress)

Status: Multi Chapter Fic - In Progress (2/?)

Chapter Preview:

“You know what would be nice? If we at least once got to kiss without either of us crying. Two for two’s a bit odd, isn’t it?”

He had thrown the joke out there in some sort of an attempt to lighten the mood. That’s not to say that he wanted to divert from this conversation, but more because of the way he could see that Sylvie was sinking back into her memory of that day, and he knew that would lead to no good. Nothing but self-blame and a whole lot of regrets - as seemed usual for nearly every decision a Loki has made in their life.

But the attempt at a joke did not get a laugh out of Sylvie. Not even a smile. Instead, he felt his heart leap into his throat at the way her eyes - that were still boring deep into his soul - flickered down to his lips, lingering there for just a moment before returning back to his intense gaze.

“We’re not crying now.”

Link To Fic

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Miiphus was one of the smaller planets that existed within the universe. At least, smaller than most other planets from its neighboring systems, to the point where the entire population of this one planet was probably equal to around the population size of one city on any other planet.

It had its charms, though. For one, those that were born and lived on this planet got to experience the whole ‘small town’ vibe that was lost to time to many civilizations as time went on and the population grew and grew. That kind of scenario where you personally knew everyone in the village, almost as well as you knew your own family. Hell, everyone practically was family. It was vital for this kind of small community for everyone to help each other, for everyone to treat one another like family. It was the only way to survive.

This… was not the impression the two of them received as they first stepped onto Miiphus, however. At least, certainly not for Loki. The very first moment he stepped out from that Time Door, he had to pause to take a moment and absorb the horror of what they'd walked into. Sylvie was striding on ahead, apparently with a destination in mind and, apparently, not being phased at all by what surrounded them.

It was… complete and utter destruction. There wasn’t a single step he could take without stepping on rubble, of whatever remained of a family’s home that once stood proud and tall, sheltering its occupants within. Whatever the city once was, was now reduced to nothing but smoldering debris, and — to his horror — the occasional charred body laying about, their clothes now pieces of blackened rags that clung to soot covered bones and whatever bits of burnt flesh that hadn’t completely succumbed to the heat. The white color of their bones stood out amongst the debris, shining in the dark night as the glow of the five moons over their heads shone down.

“What is this place?”

“Miiphus,” Sylvie answered dutifully from ahead of him. “Fourth planet in the Dioscuri System. This is -- was -- pretty much the only city it’s people had built.”

“Are you sure the Apocalypse event hasn’t happened already?” Loki called out to Sylvie, resuming his pace and chasing after her once he realized how far ahead she had gotten already.

“Certain,” Sylvie asserts, glancing over her shoulder to make sure he was keeping up. “If you think this is bad… just wait.”

Loki didn’t know where to look. He didn’t even know if he wanted to look. There’s only so many tiny, child-sized corpses that were holding onto the remains of their parents — families frozen in that one moment of terror — that he can take before his violently turning stomach threatens to empty its contents.

Which, now he thinks about it, would probably be nothing more than bile. He couldn’t even remember the last time he ate…

Billows of ash were kicked up into the air with every step they took, careful not to tread upon a loose skull here and there. His lungs burned with every inhale, not just for the soot that was starting to cover them, but with the knowledge he was breathing in more than just soot. How much of this ash was compromised of the remenants of this planet's people? How much peeling skin, flakes of bone, and burnt organs were filling his lungs?

“Don’t think about it,” Sylvie’s voice, thankfully, snaps him out of his thoughts. He had seemingly come to a stop without realizing it, and Sylvie stood watching him with a knowing look. “It’s not worth dwelling on. There’s nothing we can do.”

Loki swallows thickly, his throat feeling tight and restricted. He tries his best to follow Sylvie’s advice, keeping his gaze from wandering over to his surroundings. He keeps his eyes focused on the back of Sylvie, following her lead as she guides them out of the ruined city. Despite his attempts not to let his eyes wander, he can’t help but take the occasional glance whenever they entered a new street. The consistent level of damage inflicted upon each building was almost impressive when he thought about it from a different viewpoint. Or, at least, the viewpoint he once had. Turns out, all it takes is to be imprisoned by an overwhelmingly powerful organization that dictates all of time and decides that you don’t have the right to exist in their universe for him to change his mind about the allure of control over others.

It’s of a great relief when he sees the buildings around them becoming sparser and sparser, appreciating the lungfuls of fresh air he was breathing in as the city landscape gradually changed to flattened farmlands. “Do we even need to hide in Apocalypses anymore?” Loki asks, jogging forward to reach Sylvie, walking side-by-side. “I mean, what with everything going on, I doubt us being in the wrong place is going to show up on their radar anymore.”

“Maybe not,” Sylvie agrees — or so Loki thinks. “Or maybe now that there’s an infinite amount of TVA’s out there, it might be best to assume they could know more than we do — especially if He Who Remains is in charge of them — and He himself could be doing all he could to hunt us down, and kill us; just like we’re trying to do to him.”

“Right…” Loki mumbled awkwardly, scratching at the back of his head. “Um... if that is the case, then… what if some of the TVA’s have already figured out that we’re hiding in Apocalypses? I’m sure if I could figure it out, then-,”

Sylvie came to a sudden stop with a tired-sounding sigh, holding out an arm to stop him mid-stride. He did so, looking around to see if she had spotted something he hadn’t noticed. “You could be right. Thing is, we really don’t know. We don’t know anything, it feels like. Everything that could happen, could happen; it’s already happened, or it’s about to happen, or… or…. or I don’t know. But what I do know is that hiding in Apocalypse’s has worked in keeping me alive for the past thousand years or so, so I’m going to keep doing that until it doesn’t.”

Sylvie didn’t even wait to hear his reaction, carrying on forward and leaving him standing there for a few seconds staring at the space she just was. Loki shakes his head, bringing himself back to reality and chasing after her once more.

“I’m going to apologize in advance for all the questions, because I know they’re annoying-,” Loki begins, and it at least gets a huffed exhale of laughter from Sylvie. “-And I don’t mean to sound like I doubt your navigational skills but… how do you know where we’re going?”

The mostly flat farmland had given way to more of a hilly, uneven terrain, spotted with the occasional stubby tree that probably provided hikers and nearby farmers with much-needed shade in the heat of the day.

“Because I’ve been here before,” Sylvie’s voice comes out breathy, the two of them slightly winded by the up and down climb of the land. She had come to a stop at the top of the hill, taking the time to catch her breath as she waits for Loki to reach her side. He reaches the top only a few moments after, bending over to place his hands on his thighs and take in deep lungfuls of air that his body was demanding, the cool night air freezing as he inhales sharply through his teeth.

The movement of her hand out of the corner of his eye catches his attention, glancing up to see her gesturing at the valley below them. Not that he needed for her to point it out; it was kind of hard to miss the multiple rows of tents that were nestled into the valley, stretching as far as the eye could see. Small campfires were dotted between the tents, and he could just about make out the sight of people milling about the place, evidently enjoying each other’s company despite the late hour.

“What am I looking at?” Loki asks, slowing straightening himself back up to a stand.

Sylvie turns her head to look at him, a sad smile on her lips at his question. “The last of this planet’s people.”

This was… this was it? All that he could see, to the ends of the horizon… an entire planet’s population reduced to numbers that could fit in a single area he could see from a few miles away. The quiet of the night had never seemed so eerie now, looking down to what he knew was likely the last night of an entire planet’s existence.

“Come on,” Sylvie says softly, the delicate touch of her fingers against his hands a welcoming comfort. She gives his hand a light pull, a request to keep moving, and he follows after her without much thought. He wasn’t too sure why, but the idea of going towards all these people and intermixing with them felt like… like they would be intruding. The TemPad wrapped around Sylvie’s hand was a guarantee that they’d get out of this, that they’d hop away to yet another world and leave this one far behind. But for these people, it was their very last night. It almost felt like… like they were mocking them.

They closed the distance far too quickly for Loki’s liking, the glow of the multiple campfires growing stronger and stronger as they approached. “Are you sure this is a good idea?” Loki whispered lowly to Sylvie. “Won’t they notice us?”

“They won’t care,” Sylvie assured him. “They’ve already lost so many people; the idea of strangers doesn’t exist to them anymore. They’re just happy to see someone that's…”

“-Alive,” Loki finishes her sentence grimly, grimacing as he looks around to the last of the survivors.

Sure enough, as the two of them weave through the small gathered crowds of friends, families, neighbors, everyone, people barely bat an eyelid at them. There are a few occasional curious glances, accompanied by whispers of a language he does not know, but they soon turn back to the fires they were huddled around, absorbing the warmth the flickering flames provided.

Loki feels some of the tension building in his shoulders drop away as they manage to find a somewhat secluded spot at the other end of this refugee settlement, sitting just at the edge between the mass of makeshift tents and the seemingly infinite stretch of wilderness beyond. It seemed that whatever group that had been situated around this fire had retired for the night, the last of the flames flickering pathetically in the blackened pile of wood and ashes left behind. Loki gives a quick glance around to their surroundings, making sure no one was watching as he guides his magic towards the fire, encouraging its flames to become rekindled.

“Impressive,” Sylvie remarks at the sight of the newly born flames that roared to life, their color briefly a light shade of green as they’re created under the effects of his magic. It lasts for less than a second, though – not long enough for anyone lingering nearby to notice the strangely green-colored fire before it’s returned to its usual comforting orange glow.

“It’s a neat little party trick,” Loki comments with a sly smile, taking a seat on one of the logs that had been rolled over to the fire. It felt as uncomfortable as it looked. “I might have set fire to Thor’s cape a few times while I was learning it.”

Sylvie rolls her eyes at him, though the small smile pulling at the corner of her lips gave away her amusement. “And they were entirely accidents, I’m sure.”

Loki grins unashamedly at her as she drops down next to him with a tired-sounding huff, rolling her shoulders back in an attempt to alleviate some of the built-up tension. She grimaces at the soreness of her muscles –particularly in the stiffness of her neck – bending it left and right to try and work out some of those knots.

She nearly jumps to her feet at the feeling of hands on her shoulders, making the pain even worse as she whips her head around to see who was touching her. She supposed she shouldn’t be too surprised to see it had been Loki, who looked about as startled at her reaction as she had felt at his touch, already having removed his hands from her as if he had touched a boiling hot stove.

“Sorry,” He says, eyes wide as saucers as he holds his hands out in front of him in a clear message that he wasn’t going to touch her. “I… probably should have asked first.”

“What were you even trying to do?” Sylvie asks, placing a hand on the spot of her shoulders where his hands were moments ago.

“...Trying to give you a massage?” Loki states like it were obvious – which for most, it probably would be. “It’s just, you kind of looked like you needed it, and I thought maybe you’d…” Loki trails off awkwardly, clearing his throat as his gaze drops away from her inquisitive one. “Never mind. It was a stupid idea-,”

"No, don't apologize, it's..." Sylvie begins to explain. “Sometimes, it’s just… hard to switch off that paranoia. Nearly every close call I had running from the TVA was because I let myself relax too much — let my guard down in times I thought I was safe.”

Loki nods in understanding, but the guilt still had yet to leave his face. He held his hands in his lap like he wasn’t too sure what to do with them now, tapping his fingers against his arm in a nervous repetition.

Sylvie sighed quietly to herself, wondering how exactly it is that they managed to find a way to make every single quiet moment between them awkward in some kind of way. Then again, in their defense, this wasn’t exactly something they had done before. Flirting with strangers she had no intention of getting to know was something she had learned quickly as she grew older within apocalypse after apocalypse. Truthfully, it was easy. Turns out it doesn’t take much coercing to get someone into your bed when the world is crumbling apart around you. A few looks, a few suggestions here and there, the constant reiteration that this would be their last night on the planet, and BAM — yet another mark to add to the tally of her body count. The non-murder one, she means.

But… it wasn’t like that with Loki. She had no plans to seduce him, get her fill, and be gone before they even got the chance to know her name. What she had with Loki was... something she had never had before. Something didn’t know she had even wanted before. Whilst there was no denying that the most physical side of her attraction to him resulted in the same kind of, um… cravings that were just as prevalent as all her other romantic endeavors, she had never felt this… this more emotional attraction. He understood her like no one ever could — more than she understands herself, it sometimes felt like. And as much as she feels she too understands him, she’s overtaken by this desire to know more. She wants to know everything about the man sat by her side, down to the pointless stuff like what his favorite color is. She wants to know what it feels like to have his hands on her body, and for her to welcome it, not jump three feet in the air and have to fight back the urge to take a swing. She wants to know what it’s like to open her eyes every morning, and feel her heart race not from fear but from exhilaration and contentedness at the sight of him laying next to her, instead of yet another stranger.

She wanted… him. Every part of him, from the good to the ugly. Long ago, she had accepted that she would live her life with only herself for company. And now? Now, she found it next to impossible to envision a scenario where he wasn’t by her side.

Except now, it seemed that she had knocked any and all confidence that Loki might have once had, and the moment was fading from view before it had even gotten the chance to start. She bit down the frustrated groan she wanted to release, feeling like she had just kicked a puppy with how dejected Loki looked.

“Promise me this won’t stop you.”

Loki glances up in surprise at her words. “Promise you… what?”

“I know I’m not…” Sylvie’s face scrunched up as she tried to think of a way to put this. “I’m not the easiest person to get along with. And I know that it’s even harder when we’re…” She struggled to find the right word, opting instead to gesture between them with a flail of her hand.

Loki stared back at her with one rather judgemental-looking eyebrow raised. “I’m afraid you’re going to have to be a bit more concise than that-,”

“I’m trying to say that I don’t want you to stop trying,” Sylvie got out in a rush, the flush of heat to her cheeks a sensation she hadn’t felt in quite some time. “All of this is super new to me, and yeah, it might take me some time to get used to it. But I will. So long as you-,”

“-Keep trying,” Loki finished for her with the subtlest twitch at the corner of his lips. “I think I can do that.”

“Good,” Sylvie sniffled, trying not to act as awkward as she felt, playing off the redness that had spread across her face as heat rash from the fire. “Just so we’re on the same page.”

Loki couldn’t help but chuckle softly to himself at her failed attempts to act nonchalant, not withering In the slightest at her light-hearted glare. “So… do I try and give you a massage again, or…”

Her glare only strengthened. “You can be an incredibly infuriating man at times, I hope you know that.”

“Oh, I’m very aware,” Loki replied. “But I also feel it adds a bit to my charm, don’t you?”

“Hmm… I’ll have to get back to you on that one,” Sylvie said, stretching out her limbs in the direction of the fire, savoring the warmth that radiated from it. What she didn’t notice was that, as she stared into the beauty of the flickering flames and spitting golden embers, Loki’s eyes were still fixated on her, enjoying a different type of beauty — though one that was no less mesmerizing: the light from the fire bouncing off her face, casting shades of soft oranges and reds that battled with the shadows of night and the sharp bright light from the moons overhead.

“Sometimes I can’t believe you’re another version of me,” Loki wonders out loud, resting his chin in his hands as he continues to drink her in.

Sylvie cocks an eyebrow at him, regarding him out of the corner of her eye. “And why’s that?”

“Because you’re just so…” Loki paused, and the trailing end of his sentence was enough to arouse Sylvie’s suspicions - though she still waited patiently for him to finish his thoughts. As someone who prided himself on his choice of words and rather extensive vocabulary, he suddenly found himself devoid of words. Really, there was only one word echoing around in his head as he looked to her, and… and maybe he was overthinking all of this. Maybe the simpler option was the best.

“Because I’m…?” Sylvie tried to get him to continue his sentence, the playful smile on her face hinting that she was expecting Loki to say something insulting here in an attempt to rile her up.

“Beautiful,” Loki’s voice was soaked in a softness he didn’t even know he could reach. It was clear Sylvie wasn’t expecting this answer, the teasing smile on her face dropping away to a look of genuine shock. “Although, I’m sure you know that already, and I’m sure I’m not the first person to tell you that, but-,” And there he went, rambling away again. She just seemed to have that effect on him.

The touch of her hand on his knee was enough to bring his ramblings to a stuttering stop, effectively drying up any words he were to speak - or, at least, any words that actually made some sort of sense.

“It’s the first time I’ve heard it from someone that matters,” Sylvie tells him.

Loki smiles, placing his hand atop hers on his knee. “Then I’ll be sure to say it more often,” He says it like a promise — one he fully intends to keep.

There was that part of her, a part she’s sure will always be buried deep within, that was telling her to stop all of this. It was one of self-preservation, needing to be cruel to prevent the heartache later down the road. It was hard to shake off the years of saying goodbye to every person she’s ever crossed paths with, only getting to know people for the briefest of times before they’re obliterated from the universe. She learned fairly quickly that it was better to stay away and live a lonely life than one of single-day friendships and infinite, painful goodbyes.

Even now, after all that’s happened, it still remains there. It was all supposed to end with her sword plunged into the chest of whoever ran the TVA, and she had done that. And yet… here she was again, running from the TVA and creating yet another plan to take out their leader again. Oh, and there were multiple versions of him somewhere out there, most likely already out on a quest of conquest. There was even a chance that He already knew of them, from where some form of the TVA out there hot on their tails having reported these two stubborn variants in possession of TVA equipment to their all-powerful leader

Well… at least she didn’t have to go it alone this time. Even with that voice screaming at her to get away from Loki as fast as possible, to separate herself from him before those already messy, judgment-clouding feelings only grow all the more messier, and all the more stronger. No, this time, it was different. This time, she would not listen to that voice. She would allow herself to have these moments, of his touch on her, and she’d…. she’d let herself want this — because God’s help her, she does.

“Wait, hang on a minute,” Sylvie starts, narrowing her eyes at him in amusement. “What you just said… are you insinuating you don’t find yourself beautiful? You? You’re a Loki -- narcissism is what makes us!”

“Well, I’m not sure if beautiful is the word I’d use…” Loki said. “Perhaps ‘dashingly handsome’ or perhaps even ‘dapper’, or something along those lines. But… it’s also ‘beauty in the eye of the beholder' and all that, is it not?”

Sylvie somehow manages to pack a whole lot of sarcasm into her hum of agreement. “Kind of sounds like you’re just trying to fish for compliments now.”

“Is it working?”

“Afraid not.”

Loki ‘tsked’ with a click of his tongue, shaking his head in mock disappointment. “You should know better than to lie to someone who does it professionally, Sylvie.”

“And what exactly is that supposed to mean?”

“I saw the way you looked at me back on Lamentis,” Loki said, getting a confused eyebrow raise from Sylvie. “In that little mining cabin? I couldn’t quite figure out if you were going to threaten me to get the TemPad, or seduce me.”

Sylvie’s snort of laughter chipped a tiny bit of his ego off. “I was trying to enchant you. Needed to find some way to get close enough to you without getting a knife in my throat.”

“And seduction was the best way to go about that?” Loki exclaimed.

Sylvie shrugged her shoulders. “Worked before.”

Loki wasn’t too sure why the thought of Sylvie looking at others in the way he had looked at her made him feel quite so bitter. Actually, that was a lie. He knew exactly why he was feeling like that. He just didn’t like to admit that the claws of jealousy had dug in quite so deep.

“Well, now I feel like I owe you a compliment, what with you looking so downcast,” Sylvie said, giving his shoulder a playful nudge with her own.

“Only if you mean it,” Loki grumbled, flicking out a hand to cast a bit more of his magic to revitalize the dying flames of the fire.

“You know, there’s a reason I kissed you back in the citadel-” Sylvie began, only for Loki to quickly interject.

“Oh, well I had assumed it was due to me pouring my heart out to you; unless me becoming a crying mess suddenly made me irresistible to you-”

“Would you at least let me finish what I was saying?” Sylvie shoved his shoulder perhaps a little bit harder than she should have, nearly sending Loki sprawling off the log. “Look, I could give you the usual compliments, with the -- what were the ones you used? Dashingly handsome and what not?”

“But… you won’t?”

“No, I won’t. But not because I don’t think them, but because… because whatever this is-” Sylvie gestured with a hand between them. “-It goes deeper than all that.”

“Ah…” Loki said quietly, looking away to the fire with a nod of his head. “You know, the whole ‘beauty is on the inside’ thing is what people say to ugly people.”

Sylvie did all she could to bury down the urge to shove him into the fire. “All right, you want the truth?”

Loki perked up at that, looking back over to Sylvie in anticipation.

“Have you ever heard the term ‘the eyes are the windows into the soul?’” Sylvie asked, getting a somewhat confused-looking nod in response. “You’re a very skilled man, Loki. Especially in the art of manipulation, and deceit. You somehow find a way to twist everything you say, to turn serious conversations into a game – one where somehow you always end up on top, knowing everything you set out to discover, without the other person even realizing they’ve lost. I’ve seen the sharp wit of your thoughts reflected in your eyes when we first met, and you were trying to play that very same game with me. I’ve seen the… cruel humor shining in them as you fight, the enjoyment you find in inflicting that kind of pain.”

Sylvie’s eyes were boring deep into his as she spoke, and Loki wondered what exactly his eyes were giving away in this very moment.

“But when we were in that citadel? When you were begging for me to stop, and I had my blade held to your throat? I saw none of that in your eyes. No ulterior motives, no trickery. Just… you. You, bearing the entire truth, and it didn’t even matter how much conviction your words held. I saw it all in your eyes, anyway. And that’s when I knew, I…” Sylvie huffed out a quiet laugh. “I was doomed. I couldn’t kill you. And I didn’t want to hurt you, either. But I knew that I was going to have to if it meant keeping you safe. Even from me.”

“And so you kissed me,” Loki said.

“And so I kissed you,” Sylvie echoed softly. “Because I knew I needed to say goodbye, and because… because it was the only way I knew how to say that I felt the same.”

Loki looked down to the ground, sliding his tongue across his upper lip unconsciously before he spoke. “You know what would be nice? If we at least once got to kiss without either of us crying. Two for two’s a bit odd, isn’t it?”

But the attempt at a joke did not get a laugh out of Sylvie. Not even a smile. Instead, he felt his heart leap into his throat at the way her eyes — that were still boring deep into his soul — flickered down to his lips, lingering there for just a moment before returning back to his intense gaze.

“We’re not crying now.”

It was as clear an invitation as any. And yet, the thought of leaning in and closing the distance between them still filled his body with uncertainty and hesitation. Not because he didn’t want to — in fact, just how much he did want to was all kinds of terrifying with how much it overwhelmed him — but because… truth be told, he was scared of messing this all up. Both times they’ve kissed, he had let her take control. She had been the one to make that first step, to reach out to him and let their lips slide together. She had been the initiator, and he had been the eager and willing participant.

Now though, that didn’t seem to be the case. The tension was building between them with every passing second, and he knew full well that Sylvie was doing all she could to say ‘Kiss me, you idiot’ without actually saying anything out loud. And yet, that fear remained that he’ll step over the line, push her boundaries too much, and… that’d be it.

But he’d made a promise to her. He said he’d keep trying, no matter what.

So he kept his promise.

Loki leaned forward, pausing a hairs-breadth away, their lips barely brushing against each other. He gave her that opportunity, that moment where she could decide if she wanted to pull away. He gives it a beat, a single breath of anticipation against his mouth. He thinks she may start to say his name - most likely to call him an idiot - but then he swallows up her words with his lips. There was no rush to it. No in the moment, emotions on a knife’s edge, desperation to it like there had been the other times. It was just… them. She wasn’t kissing him because it was a goodbye, or a distraction, and he wasn’t kissing her in the fear that he may never see her again. It was simply because they wanted to, and because they can.

Loki’s hand drifted up to her face, caressing the side of her jaw and leaning deeper into the kiss. Heat seemed to burn through his veins, almost as if he was actually sitting in the roaring fire nearby instead of being sat next to it. It felt like his entire body wanted to sink into it, into their kiss, into her. And, judging by the way her hand had latched onto a patch of shirt by his chest, scrunching it up so hard that he could feel the scratch of her nails against his skin, she wanted it just as much as he did.

And… that’s when the cheering started.

They both startled apart, ripping their hands away from one another and instinctively reaching for their weapons. It appeared that a small group of the locals had wandered over, curious to know who the newcomers were, and had walked into quite the sight. Both Loki and Sylvie wore matching red faces at the sounds of their cheers and hollering, not understanding a word of what was being spoken but understanding the teasing in their tone nonetheless.

“Seems we’ve attracted quite the audience…” Loki murmurs to Sylvie, leaning his head towards her to keep his voice unheard from the locals.

“They… they didn’t do this last time,” Sylvie whispers back. “No one took notice, or came over to see who I was.”

“Well, it’s not like last time, is it?” Loki spoke to Sylvie, but his eyes were cautiously trained on one of the locals who had stepped away from the group, approaching the two with a big smile on his face and an object in hand that he couldn’t identify from here. “You weren’t with me.”

They both still kept a hand on their weapons as the man approached. The man didn’t seem to take notice — and if he did, he didn’t seem to care. Like the others of this planet, he was dressed in a long robe that cut off just after the ankles, it's likely once strikingly turquoise color now covered in a layer of dust, with various rips and tears slashed into the silky looking material. The smile had yet to wipe from his face as he arrived at their fire, babbling away in whatever language it was that these people spoke. Neither had any clue as to what the man was saying, but the friendliness of his tone seeped into his words, and whilst the two of them remained somewhat wary, it did help to relax some of the tension that had been building since the man arrived.

“I’m sorry, we… we don’t speak your language,” Loki tried speaking slowly and carefully, enunciating every syllable clearly.

The man did look slightly taken aback by the strange language they spoke, and for a moment, the two of them wondered if they were going to have to use their blades after all. There was a good chance they might be mistaken for these people's enemies, and trying to claim your innocence when both parties don’t speak the same language was going to be quite tricky…

Thankfully, however, it didn’t seem to be the case. The man seemed to brush by the issue of them speaking an entirely different language quite quickly, plastering the beaming smile straight back onto his face after he got over his initial shock.

“Yalti,” The man spoke one word, enunciating just as carefully as Loki had prior. He pointed a finger to himself as he spoke, prodding at his own chest. “Yalti,”

“Yalti?” Loki repeated the word, pointing at the man. It seemed to do the trick, the man’s smile somehow brightening even more.

“Yalti!” Yalti, apparently, proclaimed, jabbing himself in the chest with even more enthusiasm. Yalti then pointed his finger to Loki, raising his eyebrows expectantly.

“I think he wants to know your name,” Sylvie craned her head towards Loki to speak quietly, as he had before.

“Oh, um,” Loki cleared his throat, mirroring the man’s previous actions and pointing a finger to himself. “Loki.”

“Loki?” Yalti spoke his name with great care, as if pronouncing his name wrong was of a great rudeness. “Loki!”

“Yes, Loki,” Loki repeated himself with a small chuckle, the man's enthusiasm rubbing off on him.

The two of them startled once more as Yalti shouted something to the group nearby, followed by the yell of Loki’s name. The sounds of the people’s cheers were something odd to hear, especially as they were then followed by a single word, yelled out to the night sky.

“ LOKI! LOKI! LOKI! ”

Loki could only turn his bemused gaze over to Sylvie, who looked just as flummoxed with what was going on as he felt.

“Perhaps they know me?” He offered, looking between all the people, that who were of a species he did not recognize. “I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing…”

As the cheers began to die down, Yalti started to speak to them once more. Of course, they still didn’t know what he was saying, and whilst Yalti looked a tiny bit frustrated at the lack of communication, he still seemed to be having fun with what was going on. He reached out a hand, this time pointing his finger towards Sylvie.

Sylvie gave the man a polite smile, pointing to herself as she answered his silent question. “Sylvie.”

“Sylvie!” Yalti gave her name the same treatment as Loki’s, passing on her name to the crowd. And, just like with Loki, they returned her name in a chorus of cheers that tugged at something within her heart. She hadn’t had many people to tell her name to. In fact, until meeting Loki, there hadn’t been that many times she had even heard it being spoken to her. And now here she was, listening to a group of survivors chant her name like she was their savior. Like she had done something good, just by being here.

“ Sylvie! Sylvie! Sylvie!”

“This is… surreal,” Loki said, unsure whether to keep his eyes trained on the — now clearly — inebriated crowd as their cheers slowly drifted off with them as they dispersed into the night, or on Sylvie, as she watched them leave with a look that somehow both made him want to smile, yet comfort her at the same time.

“That’s one word for it,” Sylvie utters gently.

Whilst the rest of the group had disappeared back to wherever it was they had come from, there was one lone figure who had chosen to remain. They both watched as Yalti dropped down onto one of the other logs grouped around the fire, taking a long swig from what Loki now recognized as a canteen. Yalti took deep gulps from it, appearing to savor every last drop. Loki almost made the joke to calm down; it wasn’t the end of the world. Except… it was, and the joke didn’t seem quite so funny anymore.

Yalti catches their stare, pulling the flask from his lips with a friendly smile. His hands go into the interior of his robes, pulling out another flask and offering it to them. Not one to pass on such a kind gesture, Loki reached out to take the flask from him, hoping the smile he gave in return showed his appreciation.

“Really hope this isn’t poison or something…” Loki half-jokes to Sylvie as he unscrews the lid, taking a precautionary whiff of its contents. Whatever it was, it smelt strong, strong enough that he could almost taste the bitterness of it just from its smell. It was accompanied by a musty, sweet kind of odor though, the two opposites clashing yet, oddly, complimenting one another.

Loki throws caution to the wind with a shrug of his shoulders, bringing the flask to his mouth and taking a tester sip. The beverage was, indeed, bitter overall in taste, burning as it slipped down his throat. But when he let it settle on his tongue for a moment, he could taste the hint of something sweet that he had smelt before, something almost like… honey? Something rich, with an earthy and kind of smokey taste. Some type of whiskey, perhaps? Or, the closest thing to whiskey that this planet had. Whilst he was more of a wine kind of guy, even he had to admit that the smooth flavor of the drink had its charms.

“You’re not going to get ‘very full’ again, are you?” Sylvie teases him.

“Only if you join me,” Loki challenges her, offering out the flask for her to take with a flash of teeth.

He hadn’t really been expecting for her to rise to his challenge, and so it filled him with a strange sort of delight when she took the flask from his hand, taking a deep drink from the flask herself. She caught his enthralled yet shocked face from the corner of her eye, handing the flask back to him with a shrug.

“Nothing happens until daybreak,” Sylvie tells him, enjoying the warmth of both the fire and the drink as it settled in her belly. “Can afford to have a bit of a rest until then.”

“Right…” Loki almost forgot that they were in the middle of an apocalypse. It seemed much too calm for it. “So... you’ve been here before?”

“Just the once,” Sylvie says, her mouth twisting into a grimace. “I try not to go back to an apocalypse I’ve already been in. Less chance of the TVA figuring things out that way, and…” Sylvie trails off, her grimace deepening even more. “I suppose it’s easier to watch strangers die, than faces you’ve seen before.”

“And… and what of home?” Loki asks timidly. “I don’t know if you knew, but um…”

“I know,” Sylvie’s voice came out as nothing more than a whisper. She brings the flask back up to her mouth to take another much-needed drink. “Ragnarok, right?”

Loki smiled sadly, giving a small nod of his head. “I… where — or when, I suppose — they took me from, it was before then. I only found out myself not too long ago, when I was searching through the TVA’s files on apocalypses to… well, to find you.”

“Then you probably know more than me,” Sylvie said.

“You never went there? I would have thought, of all the apocalypses you could go to-,”

“Loki, I already have to live with the knowledge that Asgard — my Asgard — is gone; wiped away from the timeline, and dumped into that dreary hole. All that were on my timeline: my people, my family? They’re… they’re gone. Probably devoured by Alioth,” Sylvie’s eyes shimmered with unshed tears, her obviously distraught voice catching the attention of even Yalti, who had mostly been politely ignoring their conversation that he didn’t even understand. “So yeah, funnily enough, I didn’t really fancy having to actually watch it be destroyed with my own eyes.”

“Okay... okay...” Loki said gently, the sight of her pain reflecting itself onto him. “I get it, okay? I just… I wasn’t really thinking about it that way. I was… I was just thinking of home, and… and how much I miss it.”

“ ‘Least you have more memories of home than I do,” Sylvie huffed miserably, holding out the flask for Loki to take. He does, and she crosses her arms across her stomach, leaning against them atop her legs. “Sometimes I wonder how much I remember of home are actual memories, or… dreams of what I think it was like.”

Loki swallowed down his mouthful of whiskey nervously, shuffling in place on the log. “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but…. do you remember what happened when the TVA took you? Any idea what your Nexus Event was?”

Sylvie gave a slow shake of her head side to side. “Wasn’t anything out of the ordinary, really. I was just… existing. Playing with my toys, I think. I had this…” Sylvie paused for a moment, a genuine smile of nostalgia creeping onto her face as she lost herself in her memories. “-This beautiful hand-carved boat. I think father might have even crafted it himself, I’m… I’m not too sure.”

Loki found her smile infectious, feeling the corner of his lips tick up in response to the glazed, lost in thought look in her eyes. The smile didn’t last long, however. Not with the implication behind her words. Had she really been that young when the TVA took her? Just a child, playing with her toys, and that was enough for the TVA to deem her unsuitable for the timeline?

“That’s when the TVA came,” Sylvie said, the hardness returning to her eyes once again. “It was her: Judge Renslayer. She wasn’t a judge at the time, though. Still had to work her way up the rankings — no more than a hunter back then,” Sylvie let out a humorless laugh. “Think I might have delayed her promotion a bit when I escaped under her watch.”

“Ah… that’d explain why she seemed to have it out for you in particular,” Loki connected the dots, thinking back to the fog-filled chambers of the Time-Keepers, of the vicious look on Renslayer’s face as she prepared to wield her weapon against Sylvie.

“I hope Mobius got her,” Sylvie spat. “Stabbed her with her own damn pruning stick -- give her a taste of her own medicine.”

“She was his friend once,” Loki pointed out. “He might think twice about sending someone he cared about to the Void,”

“She didn’t think twice about pruning him.”

“I’m just saying,” Loki continued. “Mobius, he’s… he’s got a good heart. He trusted me, even when everything else told him not to. Maybe you’re right, and he went straight back to the TVA, walked into her office, and pruned her. Or… maybe he saw the face of someone who was a friend, and found he couldn’t do it — even when he knew she would turn against him if given the opportunity. Maybe put her in a time-loop-,”

“Alright, I get it,” Sylvie huffed in annoyance. “You’re comparing him and Renslayer to me and Mobius -- other Mobius. Are you trying to say that I should have killed the other Mobius?”

“What? No-! ” Loki spluttered. “I’m saying that there’s a chance that Renslayer might still be out there. Whether that be with her still in charge at the TVA, or one of their prisoners, or… I don’t know. I’m still not entirely sure what her role is in all of this.”

“She didn’t even know about the Time-Keepers,” Sylvie brought up. “She was in the dark as much as we were, and yet… she didn’t care. She still wanted to stop me --stop us -- and protect Him.”

“Are we sure she didn’t know about He Who Remains?” Loki asked. “It seems odd that she’d be so desperate to protect Him, when she doesn’t even know who he is.”

“Maybe she won’t be the only one to react that way to the truth of who their leader really is,” Sylvie said. “Maybe some, like Mobius, will want to tear it all down. But others like her? Maybe they just… can’t deal with the thought that all their work was for nothing. Maybe they cling onto the idea that they did something of importance, and that He Who Remains did what they did for a reason.”

Loki groaned softly, barely resisting the urge to bury his face into his hands. “It’s… it’s all going to be such a mess. I don’t know if Mobius will have taken over, or if the TVA broke out into civil war, or…” Loki shook his head, leaning his head back with a heavy sigh. “We need to find a way back, Sylvie. Mobius is going to need our help, and… as much as I hate to admit it, we’re going to need the TVA’s help with this, too.”

For a moment, Sylvie said nothing. Loki could only sit, waiting awkwardly for her reaction, wincing in preparation for the argument that’s about to come.

“I think you might be right.”

‘Well, that’s a first,’ Loki thought.

“Come again?”

“Don’t start,” Sylvie shot him a look of warning. “I was thinking about it earlier when I made the Time-Door to this place…” Sylvie held up her arm, the two of them watching the mesmerizing glow of the golden cracks streaking across the TemPad. “This TemPad, it’s… it’s nothing like the ones I’ve used before – the ones all TVA workers have. I’m still learning how to use it, but it’s… confusing, to say the least. I can just about select a place and-or a time with it, but… clearly I don’t know everything, since I accidentally sent you to the TVA in an entirely different timeline.”

“Is there any way to select a certain timeline?” Loki asked, glancing between Sylvie and the TemPad.

“I don’t know,” Sylvie said. “With the TVA’s Tempad, there… there wasn’t a need to jump between timelines, because there was only one available to them. They weren’t exactly jumping into different branches, rather… they were jumping to the time and place the branch originated from and pruning it out of existence before it could develop into a separate timeline.”

“But… that’s not a TVA TemPad,” Loki pointed out the obvious. “It’s ‘He Who Remain’s’ TemPad. He said it himself didn’t he, that his first variation in the thirty-first century discovered technology to open up Time-Doors between multiverses? Surely he then used that to jump between the different timelines and… prune them all until only his was left.”

“Maybe,” Sylvie says, dropping her hand back down to her lap. “There’s another problem, though.”

There was always a damn problem. “What is it?”

“I’ve got no idea how much charge is left in this thing,” Sylvie gestures lazily to the TemPad with a twitch of her hand. “Maybe ‘He Who Remains’ found a way to give it infinite charge -- or maybe it’s stuck with the same limitations the TVA’s TemPad’s have.”

“So… there’s every chance the next Time-Door we open could be the last?” Loki guessed.

“That’s what I’m thinking.”

Loki leaned back on the log, taking in a deep breath through his nose. “Then I suppose we better make every one count.”

Sylvie nodded her head in response, looking down to the TemPad as she dragged her fingers leisurely over its smooth surface. It responded to her touch, leaving a glowing trail along the golden cracks that followed wherever her finger went. It seemed almost… alive in the way it responded to her touch.

“What exactly happens here?” Loki brings her attention back to him. “What causes the apocalypse?”

“War,” Sylvie answers, her eyes trailing off to the ruined city that was now no more than a shadowy background displayed on the night sky. “Some other civilization in this solar system that had left these people alone, for the most part. Not too sure on the specifics, but… there was some sort of disagreement between the two planets. Whatever it is… let’s just say that the other planet is much more advanced than this one. These people… they stood no chance against the power they hold.”

“And so… what, they just decide to wipe out the entire planet to win the war?” Loki asks.

“Apparently so,” Sylvie answered. “At first light, the other civilization sends down a warning. One last offer for them to surrender, and save what remains of their people.”

Loki glances over to Yalti, who had been watching them converse in complete and utter silence. Despite not knowing what they were talking about, the look on Yalti’s face was that of a haunted man. Strangely still, whilst it was Loki that was looking to him, Yalti had his eyes fixated on Sylvie, who shuffled uncomfortably under his peering stare.

“I’m guessing they don’t take the offer?” Loki asks Sylvie, tearing his gaze away from Yalti to look to her.

“No,” Sylvie is unable to look away from Yalti as Loki did, feeling a strange bundle of nerves begin to rise at just how intensely he seemed to be observing her. “No, uh… they don’t.”

“Why not?” Loki asks, even though he knows Sylvie doesn’t have the answer. “Their city is destroyed, it seems like they barely have enough resources to survive, let alone to rebuild. What’s left here that they’re willing to die for?”

“Pride?” Sylvie guessed. “Stubbornness? An unwillingness to leave their home?”

Yalti slowly stood from his place on the log, the movement catching both Loki and Sylvie’s eye. They watch, ready to leap into defense at a single wrong move as Yalti somewhat stumbles towards them, having a difficult time walking in a straight line with all the alcohol that was running through his veins.

His hands go into his pockets once more, and Sylvie and Loki look to one another, waiting for the inevitable moment a weapon is pulled on them. Yalti’s hands slide back out of his pocket, now clutching a small, square-shaped device that appeared to be made of some sort of sleek and shiny metal, with a smoky glass screen sat on top. Yalti slurred out a few words in his native tongue, gesturing to the device as he does so. When they only blink blankly at him in response, Yalti gives a bit of an annoyed huff before running his fingers across the metal square. A dull light emits from the screen on top, and it’s only a few taps of his fingers across it later that a holographic image bursts to life above the device.

It was… a picture of a young girl. Maybe around eight, ten at most. It was more than just the glow of the screen that lit up Yalti’s face as he looked to the girl with a fond smile stretching across his face. He glanced over to Loki and Sylvie, and they both were somewhat startled to see the tears that had begun to build in his eyes. Yalti pointed to the little girl, then pointed his fingers back at himself, jabbing himself in the space above his heart multiple times to try and get his point across.

“It’s… his daughter,” Loki breathed in realization. “And she, um… Sylvie, she kind of looks like-,”

“-Me,” Sylvie finished Loki’s sentence for him. “She looks like me.”

Loki was starting to understand why Yalti had been staring at Sylvie as much as he had now. The image of the girl, whilst somewhat grainy and flickering, still showed a striking similarity to Sylvie — or, at least, how he could envision her to have looked when she was a young girl herself. Sure, there were a few minor differences here and there: such as the girl's eyes being a tiny bit wider, or her nose having a slight downward turn to it that Sylvie’s didn’t, but… for Sylvie, it still strangely felt like looking back in time at herself.

Yalti pressed atop the screen once again, and the image burst to life. What was once a still picture changed to a moving image, displaying the little girl out somewhere amidst this planet's countryside. The girl giggled with delight as she ran through the long grass of a meadow, being chased by Yalti, whose own booming laughter rang out into the cool night air around them. Yalti reached out a hand towards the holographic video, as if trying to reach for his daughter within. But of course, his hand only passed through the displayed images, and the smile slowly dropped away from his face.

The hologram flickers, sending the video into a mess of glitches, becoming almost recognizable as it struggled to continue playing. Then it flickers again, and again, and all three can only watch as the hologram disappears altogether, sucking away its bluish light until they’re left in nothing more than the orange and reds of the fire. Loki and Sylvie exchange looks as Yalti keeps his eyes fixated on the powered-down device. He closed his eyes, the movement squeezing out a single tear that sluggishly trailed down his face, leaving a clean line through the dust that had caked his skin.

When Yalti opened his eyes again, he seemed almost relieved to see them still sitting there. Perhaps, when you’re going through the end of the world, not many people are willing to listen or share in your individual grief, especially when they’re all going through grief of their own. Yalti caught their eye, raising a hand to point in the direction of where the image of his daughter once was, before pointing over his shoulder to the remains of the city. He then raised his hand into the air, whistling a long note that dropped in pitch as he lowered his hand down towards the ground. They hadn’t needed his mime-like explanations of what happened. There was only going to be one reason why the girl on his holographic device wasn’t with him.

“I’m sorry,” Sylvie says, hoping that the meaning of her words comes across in the gentleness of her tone.

Yalti gives her a shaky smile, taking a single step towards her — probably the most steady movement he’s made since he joined them by the fire. He lowers himself down onto his knees in front of her, raising one hand up to her face and tenderly cradling her cheek. Loki sat in silence, not wanting to interrupt such a moment, yet also wanting to step in, knowing that Sylvie would likely feel uncomfortable with a stranger touching her this way. And yet, Sylvie did not shove Yalti’s hands off of her, nor did she look all that disturbed by what was happening. Yalti speaks to her again, and the raw emotion packed into his voice as he got out those few trembling words was enough even for Loki’s chest to clench in sympathy. The two of them could only stare at one another – this poor, unfortunate man haunted by the vision of who his little girl never got the opportunity to grow up to be, whilst Sylvie was haunted with her own visions: the vision of the happy life, and the caring father she never got to experience.

Yalti’s hand dropped away from Sylvie’s face, bowing his head to her in what Loki could only assume was either some form of respect, or perhaps even their way of saying goodbye. He gets clumsily back up to his feet, clumsy enough that Loki briefly wonders what the chances were of him falling straight back into the fire was. Fortunately, they didn’t have to witness such a thing, as Yalti seems to get his feet under him.

“Sylvie,” Yalti says her name, one of the only pieces of their language he had learned from them. He then turns to Loki, repeating the same bow he had given to Sylvie. “Loki,”

Loki found himself mirroring the bowed movement without much of a thought, tipping his head towards the ground. “Yalti.”

Yalti shot them one last grateful smile, lifting his hand and giving them a kind wave — a gesture they at least recognized. Then, just like that, he had turned away from them, walking off in the direction of the tents and the welcoming town’s people within.

“You okay?” Loki made sure to ask Sylvie as soon as possible.

“-‘M fine,” Sylvie tried to brush his concerns off, but Loki could easily pick up on the little sniffle she made after saying this. “Bit of a shock, I guess. But I’m fine.”

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” Loki said, trying to catch Sylvie’s gaze as she stared blankly into the fire. “But if you do… I’m here to listen.”

Sylvie glanced over at him, managing to force out a somewhat strained-looking smile. “I will. Someday. Just… not today.”

‘I will’ was better than just a ‘no’, Loki supposed. Not that he could blame her for not wanting to talk about what had just gone down. He picked up the flask from his side, offering it out to Sylvie again. She looked down to it, looking moments away from reaching out for it. She seems to think better about it though, shaking her head in a ‘no’.

“Probably a good idea,” Loki said with a soft chuckle, tucking the half-drunken flask into his shirt pocket. Sylvie seemed to be lost in her own thoughts, eyes unfocused and glazed over as she played absentmindedly with her fingers in her lap. Loki watched her quietly, content to sit here in the comfortable silence they had found themselves in.

But the silence didn’t last long. They almost didn’t notice the gentle notes being sung from somewhere within this planet’s little make-shift town, being crowed out by what must have been a fairly decent-sized group. The beginnings of the song at least seemed to snap Sylvie out of whatever thoughts she was trapped in, the two of them perking their heads up simultaneously, listening out for the direction of the sound.

Then, another chorus of voices joined in. Whatever this song was, it seemed to be known by all of this planet’s inhabitants. And then another group joined in. And another. The voices just kept adding to the song, the soft undertones of the song growing louder and louder as more people add their voices to it.

It was… it was beautiful. They didn’t know the meaning behind the lyrics of the song, but they didn’t need to. The power behind it seemed to vibrate through their chests, chilling and somewhat haunting in sound, yet… undeniably beautiful to hear. It was not a song of hope, nor was it a song that was sung to inspire defiance in the face of almost certain death.

It was a goodbye.

“How do you do it?” Loki asks, his voice no more than a murmur amidst the chorus of voices that filled the air. “All those different apocalypses, so many civilizations you’ve watched be extinguished… How did you keep going?”

“Because I had to,” Sylvie answers woefully. “You know, every day, I would ask myself the same kind of thing: What’s the point anymore? What is there left to keep fighting for? Everything I ever knew was… gone. My life was nothing more than endless running, trying to keep one step ahead of an organization that knew everything that was ever going to happen. I would dream of the day I finally came face to face with the Time-Keepers, and I tried to grab hold of the feeling I imagined I’d experience as I sunk my sword into their chest.”

Sylvie frowned, almost as if she was annoyed with herself. “I could never imagine it, though. But I kept chasing for it, because… it’s all I had. I didn’t want to think about what came next, because once I earned my freedom… I didn’t know what to do with it. What would there be to keep me going?”

“A new chance at life?” Loki offered. “The opportunity to do whatever you wanted, and not have to worry about the TVA deciding you weren’t allowed it?”

“That’s what should have kept me going, yeah,” Sylvie said with a shrug. “But it wasn’t. Every time I opened up another Time-Door, and I watched the last moments of the world I had come to know for the shortest of times… I told myself that that was why I was doing this; because my mission wouldn’t just free me. If I ended it, then… I would end all of that misery. Their worlds wouldn’t have to be put through an apocalyptic event, just because some all-knowing dickhead wrote it into his story. People wouldn’t have to lose their daughters, their sons, their family, everyone they love, because one man thought they would need it to ‘be changed by the journey’. That’s how I did it, that’s why I forced myself to watch the ends of a thousand worlds. Because without that anger, that desire for revenge on other’s behalf? Then…”

Loki already knew what she was going to say, but in no way did he want to hear her say it.

“Then one of those days, I might not have bothered to open up that Time-Door.”

He might not have ever wanted to hear such words from her, but that wasn’t to say he didn’t understand. He glanced down at where the flask of whiskey was peeking out from his pocket, fighting back the temptation to take it out and drink from it once more.

“I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but, um…” Loki began awkwardly, eyes darting between the ground and Sylvie’s waiting gaze. “I’m glad that you went through all that, if it meant that… you, uh… you chose to keep fighting.”

Sylvie huffed in disbelief at his words, lightly tapping her boot against his leg. “Yeah, I’m sure you're grateful that I stuck around long enough to single-handedly screw up every single timeline by creating an infinite amount of ‘He Who Remains’, whose only desire is to rule over them all.”

“We both fought to be stood in that office at the end of time, Sylvie,” Loki reminded her. “Don’t go and place all the blame on yourself.”

“You’re not the one that held that sword though, are you?” Sylvie countered. “I killed him, and I can’t share that blame with anyone else.”

“You did what you thought was right,” Loki tried his best to counter her self-sabotaging efforts. “And you’re here now, aren’t you? Trying to set it right?”

“Doesn’t mean I should have done what I did.”

“Maybe not. But what’s done is done. Yes, there’s… there’s an unfathomable danger that we’re now going to have to face. But just think about how many lives you changed with your decision. All those people who made one change in their life, perhaps one to try and better themselves, and they get to continue to live that life without one single ruler deciding that it doesn’t fit into the story he’s crafted.”

“I know, I just… I can’t stop thinking about Him. I don’t even know how much time we have left before he - whichever version of Him - makes his first move. Maybe he already has, and we just don’t know it yet. How long before the war he starts stretches out across every timeline I created by killing him?”

Sylvie brings her hands up to her face, rubbing her fingers across tired eyes. “All of this… because one man decided he should be the master of everyone’s destiny…”

“Well… at least he did one good thing,” Loki claimed, much to Sylvie’s confusion. She dropped her hands away from her face, looking to Loki with an almost wary frown as she waited for him to elaborate.

“And what’s that?”

“He weaved the strings of fate together that led me to you.”

“That was awfully sappy,” Sylvie lied straight to his face, pretending she didn’t feel the bubble of warmth that filled her chest and was trying to force an embarrassingly giddy smile onto her face - which still crept onto her face, despite her best efforts to contain it.

“Ah, you love it,” Loki said, and a part of Sylvie hated that it was entirely true. The sight of the abashed smile on her face brought out a tender one of his own, enjoying this brief moment of something good that they got to share; something he had a feeling came few and far between when living a life composed of the ends of others.

The songs of the people had long since died off, leaving them with nothing more than the sounds of nature around them, and the strangely pleasing sounding cracks and pops of the fire as it continued to burn away. The night was quiet, but not in an eerie way. It felt like the world was inviting them to rest: the blanket of warmth from the fire washing over them, combined nicely with the cooling breeze that brushed over their skin; the reassuring feel of the other pressed against them, sat side by side, shoulder to shoulder, knowing that the person next to them would keep them safe.

The touch to Loki’s shoulder surprised him, glancing down to see that Sylvie was resting her head against his arm and using him as her own personal pillow. Which, he found, he did not mind in the slightest. She had closed her eyes, looking the most at peace he thinks he’s seen her be since… never, now that he thought about it. Even in the brief nap she got aboard the train on Lamentis, her sleep did not look particularly restful; almost like she was sleeping with one eye open, ready to defend herself if the need arises, never one to show a single ounce of vulnerability to anyone.

‘I can’t sleep around untrustworthy people’

The warmth of her skin bled through the thin cotton material of his TVA shirt — a sensation he’s not particularly used to. In fact… he’s fairly certain no one has ever used him as a pillow before. There certainly weren’t many people he would let rest against him, or even be as close to him as she was. It was insane when he thought of how much had changed in such a short amount of time. How much he had changed. His perspective had shifted entirely, becoming the kind of man he used to laugh at. Love was weakness. Love was giving someone else the opportunity to take advantage of you, distract you from what truly mattered. Love was something that turned you soft, that made you think twice before doing what needed to be done.

Oh, how he was wrong. Love was… power. Love was giving yourself to another person -- not relying on that other person to make you whole, but to better one another, to strengthen the weaknesses you thought were buried and hidden.

Love was… everything that she was.

For a while, Loki just… sat. It felt like his eyelids were being weighed down, and his entire body felt ready to sink into itself and fall into that deep, dark nothingness. But he knew that, even in a place like this where everyone seemed friendly, that it was important for at least one of them to keep on guard. Especially when said place is the location of a fast-approaching apocalypse. But as the minutes ticked by, and the effects of drowsiness seemed to dig its claws in, it didn’t take long before he found his head leaning to the side, resting against the top of Sylvie’s head where she had finally fallen into somewhat of a restful slumber as she laid against him.

The minutes that passed by seemed to last for hours, time slowed down as it mocked him in his efforts to stay awake. Even now, as he looked up at the impressive expanse of stars sprinkled within the night sky, it almost looked as if some of them were missing. Huge chunks of space where stars should be simply vanished, left with nothing but a blob of pitch black.

Actually… it looked more defined than a blob. There was… a certain shape to the missing spots, kind of thin-looking with large appendages sticking out from either side. And… and now that he looked at them… were they… were they moving?

“Sylvie…” Loki regretfully whispered to get her awake, not wanting to interrupt her much-needed rest. “Sylvie, the stars are gone.”

The strangeness of his statement roused Sylvie from her groggy state, blinking blearily up at him as he stared transfixed at the sky. “The stars are… what?”

“There’s so many of them,” Loki tore his eyes away for just a second to tell her, before they snapped back to the various different spots of emptiness. “It… it looks like someone punched out holes in the sky…”

It took a few moments for her blurry vision to focus onto what Loki was referring to, squinting up at what did in fact look like splotches of the sky that had been reduced to nothingness. It wasn’t until she saw smaller, almost impossible to see black blurs of movement that looked to be falling from the missing spots that the reality of what was happening crashed into her. Loki could feel her entire body go tense next to him, shooting up from the log with the most frantic and downright panic-stricken look he’s ever seen for her, frightened enough that his body seemed to instinctively react – jumping up from the log as adrenaline shoots through his system, looking wildly between the falling objects and Sylvie.

“What? What is it-,”

“They’re not holes in the sky,” Sylvie stated the obvious, fumbling for the TemPad. “They came early.”

“Who did?”

“The other civilization,” Sylvie answered, her fingers shaking as they swiped across the TemPad. “Those are space-crafts, Loki. And that’s not a warning. This is it; this is the end.”

It was only then that it sunk in for Loki. Other people nearby had also taken notice, a confused murmur rippling across the fields. People had begun to leave their tents, taking a look for themselves to see what was going on. It didn’t take long after that for the screams of terror to break out, erupting into chaos as these unfortunate souls scrambled for cover that did not exist.

That's when the bombs hit. Or, he assumed they were bombs. Not that he could hear the explosion. At least, not from here. Not yet. But he could certainly see it. He could certainly see the multiple waves of blistering fire as it erupted upon contact with the ground, watched as the wall of destruction was forced towards them. There was nothing he could do, no magic he could use that would shield them from the force of the blast that was about to hit them.

"Sylvie-,"

"I'm working on it!" Sylvie was still frantically tapping at the TemPad, and the reminder of their early conversation about how much charge might be left in the TemPad came rushing back.

This could very well be it. This could be their last moments, once again stood side by side, watching as the end of a world, the end of their time, approaches. Unstoppable. Inevitable.

They were met with the horrific sight of the night sky set aflame, watching as this tidal wave of death washed over the little town. It kind of reminded him of Alioth: of the time it barrelled towards them, intent on swallowing them up and reducing them to nothing. Loki could on watch on in horror, taking in the sight of these people’s little make-shift homes disintegrating from the intense heat, those sheltered within barely able to get out a scream of agony as they’re burnt to a crisp with it-

And then the ground under their feet turned into a rectangle of gold with a familiar-sounding blip, only able to meet Sylvie’s relieved eyes for a split second before he once again found himself falling, sinking down into the Time-Door manifested below them. His last view of this singular world — one he knows he will never forget, whilst being yet another average day for Sylvie — rushing by as he dropped.

He knew now why Sylvie did all she could not to get attached to anyone. For when he thinks of Yalti, he won’t think of the kind stranger that offered them a drink and shared his memories with them. He’ll think about how he knows what the smell of a person's skin boiling off their body is like, and the gurgled scream he gave as his body began to melt.

He could only hope that somewhere out there — whether that be in a separate timeline, or in some semblance of an afterlife — that Yalti will get to see his daughter again.

On the bright side… he now had more fuel to fan the flames burning deep in his stomach. He knew that finding a way to eradicate ‘He Who Remains’ from the timeline — from every timeline — is a task made from necessity. But after witnessing something like this? Knowing that he may have to watch many, many more?

He might just take pleasure in watching the light leave the last variation of ‘His’ eyes as they bring him to his end.

Next Chapter - - ->

#sylki #sylki fanfiction #sylki fanfic #pro sylki #loki/sylvie #lovedagger #enchantricks

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coldcolourchords · 3 years

Text

Turning 21 - an unwanted landmark

It happened an hour and 20 minutes ago, as the clock hit midnight CEST and the date changed so seamlessly to the 12th, without any hesitation, uneventfully and in complete silence, just as expected. The day I've been negatively anticipating for the better half of the past one year has come, and it caught me sitting at my computer alone in the living room, drinking hot tea on a summer night in a sweater and doing my silly little tasks that I call "work" (because despite my best efforts, middle of the night is still the only time of the day I can function as intended).

I remember ever since I was a child I always used to start mentally preparing myself for my birthday from New Year's Day. Even my mother used to say, "now that it's 2010, you're already 10 to me", even though August was still nowhere to be seen. But that felt good at the time. The beginning of a new year and my birthday approaching meant hope and progress, as the only thing I wanted as a child and as a teen was to grow up and not have to be a child anymore. I didn't like going to school, I didn't like being told to do things, I didn't like not being taken seriously, as I'm sure no one does. But by "didn't like", I mean it caused me severe emotional distress, the stuff that happened to me every single day without my control. It's hard to tell now in retrospect what caused what, but I have memories of developing my two most prominent and persistent mental disorders at around 6 years old (social anxiety and a BFRB) which have isolated me and often subjected me to cooler kids poking fun at me, shortly followed by starting school in the middle of my parent's divorce and moving houses. One of our last dinners in my father's comforting family home at the dinner table, I remember being visibly sad and my mum asking me what was wrong. My slightly belated answer ("everything") did not quite get the desired reception, as she and my little brother went on to have a little giggle over making assumptions about what that must include ("I'm sure she's sad over dinosaurs going extinct too..."). And, from then on, it's pretty much been downhill. I didn't like being home and I didn't like being at school (or at any of the million extracurricular activities my mum had picked out for me falsely thinking they could stop me from hurting myself and not just accelerate it). The ever-present social anxiety, bottled up frustration, high academic expectations and confusion about the nature of my very own self-destructive behaviours did not make for an enjoyable time in any of my 12 years at school. So, obviously, all I could do was anticipate the end. The end of being vulnerable to the very systems that were meant to nurture me and protect me.

I think that was my way of thinking all the way until I turned 19. Two years ago. At 19, I had graduated high school, I was about to start university studying something I was interested in, I had a semi-stable student job I liked and I was ready to move in with my boyfriend (a former classmate), separate from our parents. I had an artistic goal that I was ready to work for in my free time, and living away from home I was finally going to get the capacity to do so as well. And then when all of this happened and my thoughts became occupied with the new kind of responsibilities that came with "adulting", I started getting this overwhelming feeling of "what now?". A couple months have passed in the blink of an eye, it was November and I wasn't happy. I was making virtually no progress on my creative goals, my flat was a smelly mess, I didn't see my friends and I wasn't making new ones, and I found university to be draining and incompatible with my brain. I wasn't enjoying anything. I thought, "is this how I'm going to have to spend another 3 years?".

And then a miracle happened. I had to give a presentation at uni with a couple of other girls, and one of them suggested a book to do it based on. Reading my part of the book to prepare for the presentation has unlocked something in me - it was a book about the way people manage to feel like hostages due to their own decisions and thoughts. First it hurt to read because I had to face the truth: I wasn't really a hostage of expectations, university or responsibilities, I was a hostage of myself and my own attitude. I even wrote a song about this (my ultimate way of being honest with myself), and that's when I've felt ready to start working on myself in order to take back control over my life. And hell, I have done it. In a couple of weeks, I was feeling the best I've ever felt and I went into exam season thinking I was capable of the impossible at this point. Who knew I had it in me? I had gotten through a couple of exams and assignments and I was thinking soon I was going to start improving in other areas of my life as well. I was going to make art, see my friends again, go out, have fun, maybe learn to cook and be a better girlfriend too. Not a lot of that has happened. Came the end of exams and the second half of January and I was already exhausted. My job was at a halt and uni wasn't back on until mid February, so I spent a few shallow weeks at home just thinking "why am I doing this again?". It was difficult, suddenly having too much space for negative thoughts and rumination.

But it was only the start of the pandemic when my race with time has really begun. Which is ironic, because when the restrictions were first announced in my country, I really saw a lot of opportunity in them to grow for myself (and I mean this is in the least "this deadly virus is a blessing in disguise" way possible). University moving online and social gatherings being nothing short of illegal all of a sudden felt more than convenient for my social (but very luckily not health) anxiety ridden brain, and I had imagined this was going to be the most prosperous phase in my life, in terms of moving forward with my goals.

Ever since I was little, I had dreamed of becoming a musical artist. No one ever encouraged me - maybe for a good reason - and I tried to keep quiet about it as well. I was so ashamed of desiring something that was so "unlike me" according to everyone who knew me. I never had a good voice and everyone perceived me as shy, on top of being seen as more of a "STEM girl" (until I went to high school for maths and ended up not understanding any of it anymore). I'd been writing lyrics into my phone since 14 and attempting to turn them into actual songs on my laptop since 17. At 18, I even took a beginner's course in Ableton. Still, I just never felt like anything I wrote was of any worth or that I had a single ounce of talent in any part of the process. But I kept on dreaming and pushing because I thought "if I don't try, how will I know?". My work ethic was awful too, I was an inconsistent writer and an even more inconsistent producer. I never got anything finished because I got lost in the details and gave up due to my perfectionism. Plus, and this is what I perceived to be the biggest problem at the time, I could only record music at home, and my family were home all the time. Moving out, I thought I was going to prosper, then I didn't prosper for a bit, told myself it was okay because uni was making me depressed, then I continued to not prosper, told myself it was okay because I had to rest up after exams. And then it's like the universe said "Stop. You're just making excuses. Stay home and produce those songs now because there will NOT be another opportunity like this".

I put so much pressure on myself then to get stuff done. It felt like my time - all my adolescence I was looking at teenage popstars rising to fame and each year they were just getting younger and all I did was compare myself to them and worry. Worry that I was running late, that no one was going to ever care about me because I am late, but growing up I excused it every time. I was home with my family and stressed because of school all the time, duh, how could I have made good art? But right there, at the beginning of "quarantining", it was just me and my willpower. No school, no job, no impromptu social plans. And who knew how long it was going to last? Some people said only four weeks, some others said months, some the rest of the year. All I knew was I was 19, still young and practically a teenager, and I had to act. And I did. I made two of the worst songs you've heard in your life and I put them both out in the summer under my own name. Like proper released them on streaming services and all. Looking back now, holy hell, how desperate was I, posting it on my social media that people I actually knew followed? With my fear of being ridiculed? I was setting myself up for an emotional disaster. Shock horror: my songs didn't blow up (although I have had a few friends say lovely things about them, at least to me). By the time of scheduling the second one for release (mid July) I was already feeling burnt out. Yes, there was another exam season in the meantime, and the unexpectedness of the elongated pandemic has definitely been a factor as well, but generally I was just so let down by the overall underwhelming experience. I made such bad decisions - why my own full name? Why did I have to let people know and thereby handicap myself? Of course I wasn't going to promote my songs now or even speak of them positively because I feared coming off ridiculous. So I just let the whole thing pass without a sound and made myself sad. By last August, I was back to "what now?".

Needless to say, there were no festivals last summer. Festivals used to be my ultimate summer happy place and I always celebrated my birthday at a specific one (the biggest one in my city to be exact) starting with the 15th. Concerts and festivals were somehow simultaneously an adventurous escape from all my worries and the root of a lot of my confidence issues and anxiety. I dreamed of being on stage and presenting my art to the world, pouring my heart out to even just one person who will listen, the same way that I listen to my favourite artists and what they have to say. Some nights were emotional, some nights were energising, some nights were spent worrying about the people who surrounded me and some nights were just pure jealousy and feeling far away from my goals - you never knew what you were going to get at a gig. I think that overall most gigs were bittersweet experiences for me, but that's how I liked them to be. The whole point was just to feel something. But there were no festivals last year. There were concerts, though, put on by local bands, but lord do I wish there hadn't been any. I went to two of those last summer - one I went to alone and walked away feeling like shit, another I went to with my friends and felt extremely guilty and anxious about the virus after. This second one happened to be two days before my 20th birthday. I spent my birthday worried to death that I got the virus (even though numbers were extremely low at the time in my country and going to small gigs was perfectly legal and deemed not dangerous) and that I was going to infect my elderly relatives who I was going to meet with later. That didn't happen, but I haven't been to a single show since then, and it's been a year. So that's how my first non-festival birthday worked out.

Turning 20 didn't feel good and my birthday aligned with the onset of a bunch of new problems as well as old ones accelerated. I began to think deeply about everything. What was the point of anything I was doing? Was any of it going to get me anywhere? Was any of it causing me joy, even? I didn't know what to do about my musical efforts - should I keep trying to put out songs or admit defeat? I still had that creative drive in me and I worried so much about my role in the world - "I'm not a good friend, not a good girlfriend and not a good daughter, and I certainly will never become a good psychologist directly helping people with their problems. I need to give something to the world - I need to find a purpose". I didn't do stuff because I was anxious, and then I was anxious because I didn't do stuff. But I think at that point I also realised I didn't only want to succeed and produce. I also wanted to live. Having fun was missing from my life too. I rarely saw or talked to friends and my relationship wasn't going well either. Every day I tortured myself looking at other people live their lives on social media and thinking to myself I wanted what they had. I wanted to be someone. I wanted to create, to connect and to matter, but all of these things have only ever caused me anxiety in my life and I didn't know where to go from there.

With the virus getting worse again and the start of another online semester, there was one silver lining to locking myself in again though. During the pandemic, I have been playing a lot of video games, possibly even more than before. They weren't only a nice way to numb my brain and relax - no, the opposite, they were actively giving me a temporary sense of direction and progress with each gaming session. I have always loved The Sims for this reason, I had spent so many years building and perfecting my little worlds to my liking and practicing full control over my characters' lives, but this time I began to feel like it was something bigger. I discovered the Sims side of the internet, something I had not really done before, and the amount of content, help, info and Sims-related entertainment has blown me away. Whole new levels of playing have been unlocked for me and I began to dive deeper than ever. I wanted to be part of the community, so in the autumn I started streaming the game on Twitch and this time I knew better than to tell anyone I already knew about it. That didn't quite turn out as I expected, and my streamer phase was cut short in January by someone I knew from high school accidentally finding my stream. Before that, I would only get moderately anxious before streams, not worried much about what viewers were going to think of me (if they find me annoying they'll just leave and I'll never have to hear from them again), but then that unexpected turn of events ruined everything in my head. All my confidence I had built up was suddenly gone. I never streamed again after that. It wasn't really for me anyway, I told myself.

Instead, insistent on further pursuing the only thing that was giving me joy at the time, I started my YouTube channel initially uploading Sims tutorials, because I thought I had useful stuff to show people that has a greater chance of making someone happy than just watching me try to put together a sentence for 5 minutes straight while my Sims struggle to get in the shower by themselves. And much to my surprise, it was gaining decent traction, although I put a lot of it down to luck even today. But either way, it's been growing more or less consistently ever since, and beginning of the summer I stopped to think "could I not just be doing this for a living now?". "Could this be my new creative ambition?". As much as I would have liked to say yes based on my progress and how I managed to earn the same amount I would have earned in a month at my part-time retail job (we're talking Eastern European sums kids!), it wasn't that simple. Thoughts around this have of course been puzzling me for months now. I like to think of myself as a natural talker, just because I am anxious I am NOT quiet or shy. I can even make small talk very well, it's just that because I'm mortified by the possibility of an awkward silence I tend to avoid situations where it might be required. And I talk to myself all the time. So on paper, talking to a camera should not be an issue. And yet every time I record a video I feel my soul being sucked out of my body because I need to make sure I say every sentence correctly and that ends up in draining 4 hour recording sessions. Editing videos, on the other hand, is a rewarding process, a kind of flow-experience I have not really known before, though extremely long and usually detrimental to my sleep schedule (which is far from being rosy by default). Maybe I just put too much effort into everything, but it really makes you question - is it worth it? Can I really be doing this on the long run without destroying myself? And will I ever get used to the social interactions that come with it?

It's weird, suddenly getting recognition for something, people giving me positive feedback on the daily. This certainly happened more suddenly than I thought it would and I don't think I was prepared. Naturally, people taking the effort to leave me nice comments and messages makes me want to reply, appreciate their kindness and return the favour but the trinity of little demons inside me - social anxiety, impostor syndrome and a chronically low self-esteem - makes this a difficult task to complete. To combat the overwhelming weight of responsibility that comes with making sure I appreciate everyone who appreciates me enough, as well as to shut out the fear that what I have now can be taken away from me any second, I have built up a mental wall between me and my relative success. This wasn't a conscious choice, it's just the way my brain has started dealing with this new situation. I do not allow myself to internalise the rewards of what I work so hard for and that contributes to why, when I look back on 2021 so far, all I see is depression despite having "gotten what I wanted". My YouTube channel has been the only thing bringing hope and the only thing I've got going for me and yet I am incapable of embracing it.

The past one year has been enlightening. It has enlightened me that there must be something deeply wrong with me because I have not been able to enjoy life even at times I had all the reasons to. The times I am capable of letting go and feeling happy for short periods come exactly based on that - short periods. I'm drifting into states of bliss only when I know the situation is temporary and doesn't come with commitment and responsibility. Some of these moments of calmness come to me while walking to the store by myself after dark, getting invested in my video games, meeting up with my friends for an evening every once in a while and writing a therapeutic song just for myself using the simplest chords on the piano. The feeling usually doesn't last and disappears at the first attempt to get back to any kind of organised schedule (that attempt on most days is the simple act of trying to force myself to go to bed). Isn't that ironic? I wanted purpose. I wanted to get it together. And yet... every day is a struggle. I know now, I am the problem. Whether it's a chemical imbalance or another anomaly in my brain or my own fault somehow, it's not my circumstances, it's me. I wanted to be free and to make my life my own, and now I just can't. Every day I worry about running out of time, rapidly approaching death and not being able to say that I have lived. This is why turning 21 fills me with so much panic. I am no longer a child and I'll never be again, although I wouldn't even like to be. I just can't help thinking that I wasted so many opportunities to enjoy myself and to push for my goals. But it's gone now and there's no point regretting how I used to think about life back then. If I look back on my life so far I see a lot of stuff that happened that made half of my brain temporarily happy, but the other half was always filled with anxiety, anticipation to get out or dissatisfaction. It was just never fully right and I keep hoping that there will come a time when it will feel fully right. Before turning 19, I thought independence was going to give me that. Now at 21, I'm not quite sure there's anything that's going to give me that if I don't also start to work through every single one of my issues (although part of me still likes to cling onto the idea that once I'm done with my first and last degree, a lot of underlying stress and guilt will be taken off my shoulders and I'll see everything in a different light). So for a start, I just finally signed up for psychological counselling. I don't know if it will help but it's something and I've done it for myself. I need to do more for myself.

There is so much more I could talk about. Like the pandemic, how I've turned into a hermit, my relationship, struggling to be honest with myself and slowly losing touch with my all time number one passion because of it. I could talk about how I know that society has been deliberately making us (especially women) feel scared of aging and yet I still file it under personal issues, how I've been trying to fix my sleep schedule for a year and a half straight now, the guilt I feel from my family and friends all the time, my inability to concentrate and how I fall into despair concerning the future and present of humanity every time I read the news and people's opinions on social media. I could talk about how I want to cry every time I see a picture of somewhere beautiful in the world - a street in Japan, a lake in the Alps or the trees in the Mediterranean - because I feel a longing that is almost nostalgic for places I've never even visited. There is always so much to still be told to complete the story, but why do I want people I'll never fully know to understand me that well? I need to let go of compulsions like these.

Deep down I just hope that I'm not the only one terrified of growing old.

#21 #happy birthday to me #long story long #welcome to my brain #aging #depression #anxiety #growing up #growing old #young adulthood

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scoobydoominuscoobydoo · 4 years

Note

An older ask had asked you how you would rewrite return to zombie island. How would you rewrite scoob?

Oh I’ve already put some thought into this while I was actually watching the movie simply because I was thirty minutes in and didn’t see it getting better.

The first change I would make is that I would get rid of the whole beginning scenes with them as kids. We didn’t need it and it literally added nothing to the story. You can convince your audience that the characters are close without needing to completely illustrate why.

I would definitely open the film up with them probably in mid-chase at the climax of a mystery because that’s just how you need to open up a Scooby movie. Right from the beginning this is where I would introduce the character conflict. Maybe after they’ve caught the guy and the police are commending them they wouldn’t really have anything to say to Shag and Scoob (who are probably disheveled and starving from running for their lives once again). Shaggy and Scooby have never felt bad about being cowards so I doubt this would really hurt them that much (maybe annoy them at the most). But it identifies where the story is going to focus.

We’d then move into some transitional scenes where you can watch how the gang’s dynamic works and this is where you sell their friendship. This ain’t just a Scooby and Shaggy movie, this is a whole gang movie (the central conflict just stems from Shaggy feeling under appreciated). So their relationships are an important part of getting the audience to care what happens. I would say you subtly show how Shaggy might break up little arguments or remind them to eat. Nothing in your face, more or less it would be weaved in with the gang’s standard banter.

Then we’d get to the gang talking about turning MI into a legitimate business by finding investors and stuff. I think this would be a good opportunity for a montage scene where we get to see a lot of other Scooby/HB characters without it taking too much out of the story (this is where I would show the Blue Falcon and Dyno Mutt). All of them seem to reject the proposition though. I didn’t have major issues with Simon Cowell because random celebrity cameos have always been a Scooby thing but I mean.... Why Simon Cowell of all people? I feel like there are way more suitable celebs to choose from. I feel like it would be funny if they brought in one of the actors from the 2002 live action film (playing themselves) and everyone is just like: “Who the heck is this?” And then Shaggy (who always knows who everyone is) just goes: “Um??? You uncultured swine??? That is obviously Linda Cardellini!” And then she’s the one who is finally willing to invest but says she’ll only do it if Shag is out (Scooby can stay because animal mascots are in and it doesn’t get anymore in than a talking Great Dane).

And the gang gets all offended at this and Linda (it doesn’t have to be Linda but for all intents and purposes I’m just saying it is) will just be like, “Fine, I’ll give you my money if you can tell me what he does for you. For your team.”

And they’ll all stay silent, trying to think of something and that’s when Shaggy finally takes it personally. It’s one thing to be judged by people he hardly knows. But for his best friends to be given like the easiest ultimatum and they can’t even deliver on it? He wonders if he’s being taken for granted. He decides he is and explodes. Shaggy never explodes so it freaks the gang out.

I think he’d call them out for not considering his constant submission into being the bait as a contribution - despite the fact that he always states that he’ll never do it again. But of course they wouldn’t count that because they’re always too focused in on the details to miss the big picture in front of them. Because, ultimately, that is what Shag adds to the team. Daphne, Fred, and Velma tend to get so wrapped up in the small factors that they sometimes miss the obvious. And that’s when Shaggy will point out the big thing that they’re missing. Shag has always been big picture over nuts and bolts so of course he’s the one to bring up the primary detail missed. This has been an element in almost every single show so I feel like it’s funny that it’s never been spelled out.

Velma is a little hot-head who doesn’t love being demoralized by anyone so she might say something uncalled for and that’s when Shaggy walks out and Scoob follows suit. That’s a pretty major conflict to take up the runtime so there you go.

Shag and Scoob being pissed at the gang makes a little more sense now and can be further elaborated and expand into Shag’s self-confidence issues. It’s at this point that the two of them can get kidnapped by an unrevealed villain because why the heck would I take the mystery out of it?

It wouldn’t be by a group of semi-sentient robots because this the 70′s or 80′s and technology wouldn’t be that advanced. Instead, I’d shoot for classic, masked henchmen (maybe disguised as horrifying Greek gods or something) who swipe Shag and Scoob from the bowling alley without even giving them a chance at a comedic chase scene because the audience is supposed to feel unnerved.

We’d cut back to the gang, 1/3 of them a little steamed and the majority feeling bad for selling their best friend short. It’s revealed that they didn’t take the investment offer because there’s no way they would further exclude Shaggy from anything. They decide that they should let everyone cool down before they go and talk things out and while that’s happening Daphne is trying put together a list of all the things Shag and Scoob add to the team. She gets even more upset with herself because this is their best friend and this shouldn’t be that hard.

In the background, Fred and Velma start arguing and it would act as a kind of callback to the beginning where we see Shag break up their bickering. But since he’s not here the fight begins to escalate and it’s only when they start yelling that Daphne comes between them. Then her face lights up and she gingerly adds that to the list.

As the movies cuts back and forth between Shag and Scoob’s perspective and the gang’s perspective the list gets longer.

Speaking of, Shag and Scoob are being kept prisoner at the abandoned carnival because that’s always an interesting set-piece that just so happened to be totally pointless in the actual movie. At some point the two of them are split up and this is when it’s hinted that the kidnappers where originally aiming for just Scooby but Shag was also there so they just rolled with it. But because Shaggy isn’t important to them, nobody is really guarding him anymore (they were originally guarding him because Scooby was with him).

Scooby being taken is the motivation he needs to try and escape and save his dog (in his head he’s pretty sure these whackos are gonna freaking sacrifice his dog to the powerful god of all things creepy). His escape attempts would be interspersed between scenes of the gang looking for him, and Scooby being intimidated by the masked big bad (who is of course explaining the plan in great detail). The gang’s hunt for their guys would be a lot more difficult since they can’t just Life 360 up where he is. It would rely more on visual clues, eyewitness testimonies and choppy security footage, which is overall more engaging and gives the gang an actual thing to do.

While Shaggy is formulating an escape he’s able to pick up bits and pieces of what the crazy people want to do with Scooby and this acts as him getting closer to finishing a puzzle. But he doesn’t analyze the puzzle pieces he gets and tries to guess what the puzzle will look like, that’s not his area or his goal at the moment.

In a big triumphant moment, Shaggy escaping and the gang figuring out where he is happen at the same time. This gets the spirits high before things go wrong again.

And when I say wrong - I mean the gang get capture by the villain. Shaggy isn’t aware of this as he’s sneaking around the carnival grounds trying to figure out where someone would keep the actually important prisoner. I feel like a comically large circus tent would be a cool location for the climax of a movie Scooby’s probably in there. But when Shag gets there he’s quick to hide (like under the seats or something) and this is how he’s able to finally see the whole puzzle put together.

The gang escapes rather quickly because say what you will about Danger Prone Daphne but she’s just as good at getting out of tough situations as she is at getting into them. And so begins the epic journey to find their boys (they escape and Velma just instantly goes, “It’s obviously the huge circus tent.”). And at this point it’s like a One Piece arc and all you want is the whole gang to be reunited again. But first we need a fun scene of the VFD trio trying to evade the henchmen to like a Smash Mouth song or something because remember this is Scooby-Doo.

Shaggy realizes he has to do something fast otherwise his dog is going to be used to open the Underworld. He runs out of the shadows without any real plan with just the goal of taking down the bad guy. But he doesn’t get there in time and the whole tent like erupts into green and blue flames as Cerberus stomps out of the gates and Shaggy is just frozen in place. The masked guy seems a tad surprised to run into Cerberus so fast but is quick to gain control of the beast. He orders the monster to start wreaking havoc on a nearby town something, he doesn’t care so long as he can enter the Underworld without distraction.

But before he can do that, he gets jumped by Shaggy who’s really only trying to keep him pinned down while he comes up with a step two. But Mr. Mask has some fight in him so it becomes this epic struggle between Shaggy, Scooby, and the bad guy while the place is still on fire and we have an epic orchestral score playing in the background.

Right when it seems like the villain has the upper hand, Daphne comes in and like roundhouse kicks him in the head, and he’s out cold. And before Shag and Scoob can react they’re dogpiled by the other three and it’s very heartwarming.

Fred eagerly ties the perp up and then we get our unmasking and it’s Scrappy-Doo!!! Just kidding that’d be stupid. I’m really not sure who would be the best surprise villain but if anyone has a good idea for one please let me know!

When the bad guy comes to, Velma starts shaking him to tell them how to get Cerberus back into the Underworld and how to close the gate. He reveals that all you need to do is whistle and he’ll go home (Cerberus is Hades’ domesticated puppy so obvi that would work). Maybe we get a gag where someone tries to whistle but it’s too hot in the tent for it to work and they’re like: “Does anyone have like some water?” And then Shaggy just rolls his eyes and whistles and boom, big angry puppy comes home.

Daphne smiles and says, “I’m gonna have to add that to the list.” And Shag is like, “Like, the list of what?” And she explains that the gang has been putting together a list of all the things he brings to the team and it makes him happy that they’re putting in the effort.

We cut back to Velma torturing the info out of our mask on how to close the gates and he just evilly laughs and only a dog or dog’s best friend can close the gate. But, unfortunately, the gate will take them back down to the Underworld. The gang just sits in shock because there is no better option there.

But without missing a beat, Scooby decides he’s gonna do it and runs for the lock. He’s about to put his paw on the thingy when Shaggy beats him to it and nobody even gets a second to process before he’s sucked in and the gate vanishes.

The whole gang run to the spot where the gate used to be and Daphne falls to her knees crying, Scooby is digging at the ground trying to get to the gate and Fred has to get him to stop.

“I never even got to give him the list...” And Daph pulls it out and just drops it on the ground. Velma is on the verge of tears as she adds, “I still owe him an apology. I owe him a lot of apologies...” And as Fred is comforting Scooby he says, “We all do...” The scene ends with the gang all hugging Scooby and the list bursts into flames and disappears.

Then we cut to Shag in the Underworld and he’s just leaning against the gate and crying because what else is he gonna do? “At least I was finally useful to them...” He thinks and slowly begins to walk around and is surprised to see that the Underworld is prettier than he expected.

“Thank my wife. She’s always looking for ways to brighten this place up so I don’t feel so miserable when she’s gone. “

Shag screams bloody murder and jumps like a ten feet before turning around and seeing a dude in a chiton. Surprise surprise, it’s Hades (Who can also be a celebrity cameo whatever). We get some nice banter before Hades holds up something and asks, “Is this yours?”

Shaggy looks down and sees that it’s a piece of paper, he shakes his head.

“Really? Because it mentions you an awful lot.”

Evidently it got snagged on the way down and ended up in Hades’ lap - he’s certain he wouldn’t have even noticed that Shaggy was there if it weren’t for that. And then Shag’s face lights up and he realizes it must be the list, as he reads it we cut to all of the times Daphne thought to write these down on their trip. Finally he believes that he’s useful to the team, that he is a valuable part of the gang.

Hades looks at him and just says, “How do they survive without you?”

And Shag just shrugs and goes, “Believe me, like, I have no idea.”

Hades smiles and replies, “Then you best not keep them waiting.” Before snapping his fingers and poofing Shaggy back home.

When he gets there, the gang are slowly making their way out of the tent so they don’t see him. So Shag takes the opportunity to say, “I read y’all’s list.” And everyone instantly makes a 180 turn with their eyes super wide and he continues, “You know I think you missed a few but it’s the thought that counts.” And then we get dogpile number two of the movie.

The final scene is the gang opening up Mystery Inc. and them asking Shag where the entertainment is and he’s just like, “I asked our surprise investors to put something together for us...” And then we get the Hex Girls performance we deserve and I can totally buy them investing in Mystery Inc. because they freaking love Shaggy and Scooby so.

We get an ending shot of the gang going off to solve their first monetized mystery (we could have like a soft instrumental version of the first theme song playing) and then we fade to the end credits where we get the What’s New Scooby-Doo theme.

#ask minus scooby #mod ninja #scoob!#if i were to go full shaphne I would have added a kiss when the reunite at the end #but for the sake of everything I'm keeping it plantonic #but really a kiss would be great #also this film would be in 2D and that's non-negotiable #there are some details that could be worked out but it's not like this is going to make the actual scoob any better so #you either like my rewrite or you don't

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