im having a particularly terrible night with urges and imagery that i dont know how to handle. i gave in to some things. held back on some others. but im barely holding on, dear internet stranger.
you do not owe me your time or your words.. but if you could write some hope into existence for me.. i would be unendingly grateful to you.
please. tell me how you do it. tell me how you survive. because im not so sure i can get through the fifteen days it'll take to get to my seventeenth birthday.
could you please give me something to place my faith in? i dont think the universe is watching out for me anymore.
i don't usually answer these, because i am not a professional, and you deserve professional help. when i was 17 i was terrified of the idea of professional help, because my household was extremely unsafe, and made it clear that if i ever chose to get help, i would be punished for it.
i hope this is not your case. i hope that you can call someone, and they can take you where you should go.
but i will give you the advice that i wish i got, when i couldn't get help at 17, when i was so bad that years later, i literally don't-know-how-i-survived it: what you want is peace, not death. your brain is sick. it has romanticized an ending where there are no consequences. where effort isn't necessary. where you can just... forget.
you want peace. that is a normal, human thing to want. maybe it feels more like you want quiet. or just... to take a break for a second.
here is what i will say: to end yourself means you never get to experience what it's like to actually be happy. i thought i knew what it was like, and i was bitter about it. i'd say - i've been happy, it's not worth it, because i didn't know what i was missing. i thought that happiness meant having a partner or having a job or money or a college degree. it sounded like effort. it sounded like something that had to happen to me.
for the first time in my life, just this week, i was able to go to a concert and just-enjoy-it. no liquor, no drugs. just stomping my feet and getting caught up in it. i didn't feel nervous or self-conscious or overwhelmed. i just had a good time. these days have a lot of these firsts for me - it is the first time i can eat cake without crying. it is the first time i can be around an exacto blade without supervision. it is the first time i have too many people to call when i am crying.
i can't tell you where you'll run into happiness, only that, for me, it started once i was out of that fucking house. it started once i figured out where the pain was coming from. once i figured out that i was not possessed, something medical was wrong with me. that i am not stupid or lazy, i have depression and adhd. the first few years were difficult. at 19, during my efforts to recover, i actually got worse by a considerable margin. and then, with time and patience - i got better.
happiness doesn't feel like what you think it will. in movies it's so golden and all-encompassing. but it doesn't fly into your hands when you buy your first car nor does it arrive in the arms of a partner nor does it require passing your classes. happiness came to me on a tuesday in the form of a red-winged blackbird, and i looked at her, and she looked at me, and i said - oh. the whole world suddenly filled itself in with color. like i had been forever-asleep. like every corner of every room was suddenly glistening.
it ended quickly, back then. it just stopped in to check in on me. but it was enough - this thing i had never experienced, but that i knew (logically) could happen. before that, i was only staying because it would make my mom sad if i died. that was my only reason. and then the happiness came, so strange and brilliant and lovely that for years i couldn't even look at it directly.
these days, things are so different. life is so much easier. i don't wish for death because so much of what i have is already at peace. my boss understands when i need a mental health day. people in general are less prone to high school drama. entire communities hold my hand and have my number. i have a car and a dog and a little apartment garden and candles on all available surfaces and today i bought myself a little cake just-to-celebrate-nothing. my body is my own and we are both dancing.
there are so many things i've gotten to taste in the last 10 years. i know, for you, that is an eon, because it's more than half of your life. but if it helps? in the 5 years between 17-21: i filled myself with laughter and love. i got to be a lead in a ballet and got my first tattoo and then my second and pierced my ears the way i'd wanted to (one of them professionally the other over a hot stove with a potato) and i discovered hozier is my favorite singer (i know. he was new back then) and i got my first real job and my first real paycheck and i hadn't ever been seen as smart but then i started to actually treat my adhd as a condition rather than a burden and people started saying you're like the smartest person in the room and my best friend met her husband who i will one day stand next to as maid of honor when he is her groom and i got to help people and make a stupid blog called "inkskinned" and find out that writing is actually my passion and that maybe i'm actually kind of good at it if i just practice and i got to meet my parents' dog (his name is kaiju) and i slept on couches and kissed people and tried new things and learned how to breathe without feeling my chest tighten and that peace is here, on this planet, that peace echoes everywhere, it is in my hair and my homework and my houseplants, it is quiet and divine and mine because i fought for it and i built it and yes i lost hair over it but holy shit the whole world feels like it is shifted through a sunbeam
recently someone asked me if i could go back in time to 6th grade, with all the knowledge i have now, would i? and without thinking, i barked absolutely not. i know i should say it's because i wouldn't want to risk losing any of this stuff - but really it's because i would never survive being a teenager again. it sounds incredibly lame and impossible, fake - but being a teenager was the hardest thing i ever did. i had no voice, no control, only fear and hatred.
but i did survive it. nothing about me is special. nothing about me is stronger than you or better prepared or more efficient. i didn't survive it perfectly. i made a lot of mistakes and lost a lot of friends and harmed myself in ways that i'm still recovering from. but i did survive it. and there is a part of me looking at you in the past and saying - i'm you in the future.
and holy shit. every day. every goddamn day i'm glad we survived to see the rest of it. because you hit 18 and everything changes. like, everything. and holy shit, it is infinitely worth it.
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𝐌𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐚, 𝐌𝐚𝐧𝐡𝐰𝐚, & 𝐌𝐚𝐧𝐡𝐮𝐚 𝐑𝐞𝐜𝐬
a long time coming that I've meant to compile a list, but it just kept growing and growing and growing...
the webtoon list includes my very personal & important in-my-heart recommendations. aaaaand the rest are mostly smutty, kinky, and even a little dark.......... do not perceive, just enjoy. and support the official author's work and translations if you can!!
if there are any in this list you'd like a heads up about before reading, feel free to drop me an ask and I'll give you my honest opinion/review.
if you're having trouble locating anything, shoot me an ask (because i have most, if not all, of the links saved).
and feel free to gush to me if you liked any of them!! i'm always happy to talk about mmm's.
[updated july 3rd, 2023] - newly added titles are in green.
𝐵𝐿 = boy's love genre
𝐆𝐋 = girl's love genre
𝟏+ = includes harems & poly relationships
❤ = absolute masterpieces, highly recommended!
! = proceed with extreme caution/heed all warnings
please heed all warnings and tags found within each of these recommendations, as well as my own warnings from the symbol legend above and found throughout this post.
some of these are sfw and some aren't. some of these aren't for the faint of heart and will be marked to be read at your own risk. additionally, not all are translated into English. 𝐵𝐿/𝐆𝐋 are separate from the general list.
𝐖𝐄𝐁𝐓𝐎𝐎𝐍
A Messy Fairy Tale 𝟏+
A Summer Night's Dream
Age Matters ❤
Back to You
Bailin and Li Yun BL❤
Bitten Contract
Boyfriend of the Dead
Castle Swimmer BL
City of Blank
Dating With a Tail
Daytime Star
Devil Number 4 ❤
Devilish Romance
Down to Earth
Dreaming Freedom
Ghost Wife
Ghostly Buddie
Half-Ghost
Harem of LuuAnh
Hello Baby ❤
I'm the Grim Reaper
I Love Yoo ❤
It's Mine
Jeff's Disorders
Kind of Confidential
Little Rain
Lore Olympus ❤
Love Advice from the Great Duke of Hell ❤
Mage & Demon Queen GL
Marry Me!
Maybe Meant to Be
Meow Man
Midnight Poppy Land
Midnight Rain
Mom, I'm Sorry
Morgana and Oz
Muse on Fame
My Beloved Emperor
My Dear Cold-Blooded King
My Four Husbands 𝟏+
My In-Laws are Obsessed with Me ❤
My Lovely Bodyguard
Nice to Meet You
Not Even Bones
Operation: True Love ❤
Pastel-colored Pages
Phase
Scorching Romance
See You in My 19th Life ❤
Selina ~ Moon Bride ~
Siren's Lament ❤
Soleil
Space Boy
Strange and Wild
SubZero
Swimming Lessons for a Mermaid ❤
Take Off BL
The Devil is a Handsome Man
The First Night With the Duke ❤
The Guy Upstairs
The Newlywed Diary of a Witch and a Dragon ❤
The RUNWAY
There Must Be Happy Endings
To the Stars and Back BL
Trapped ❤
Unlovable Replacement
When Jasy Whistles ❤❤
Winter Woods
Your Smile is a Trap ❤
𝐒𝐅𝐖
Abe-kun's Got Me Now! (Abe-kun ni Nerawaretemasu)
A Master, Who Woke Up As a Concubine ❤
And Yet, You Are So Sweet (Na no ni, Chigira-kun amasugiru)
Beloved in-Laws (poor transl.)
Bon Appétit ❤
Don't Blush, Sekime
Forget My Husband, I'll Go Make Money (Aug 2023)
Golden Forest !
I, My, Me, Mine ❤ (アイマイミーマイン)
I Became the Male Lead's Adopted Daughter
I Can't Keep Up With My Stallion Duke ❤❤
I Will Change the Genre
I Will Rewrite the Dead End Novel
In the Clear Moonlit Dusk ❤ (Uruwashi no Yoi no Tsuki)
It's My Destiny to Be the Hero's Saviour !
Kubo Won't Let Me Be Invisible
Love's in Sight!
Loving Yamada at Lv 999 ❤❤❤
Male Lead, I'll Respect Your Taste !
Ookami no Musume ❤❤
Pink and Habanero ❤ (Pink to Habanero)
Protected by My Dragon Knight (Seijo wa Ryuukishi-sama ni Mamorarete)
Scary Faced High Schooler and Miss Plain Jane
Second Life of a Trash Princess
Sinking too deep in your rabbit hole, now I'm drowning in your love
Stella Next to Me ❤ (Tonari no Stella)
The Cunning Princess and the Shark ❤
The Fragrant Flower Blooms With Dignity ❤ (Kaoru Hana wa Rin to Saku)
The Muscle Girl Next Door
The Obsessive Second Male Lead Has Gone Wild
The Reasons We Fall in Love ❤ (Watashi-tachi ga koisuru riyuu)
The Tyrant's Comfort Doll !
To the Dear F-Phantom of the Opera (Shinai naru F e: Opera-za no Kaijin)
Toilet-Bound Hanako-kun ❤ (Jibaku Shounen Hanako-kun)
Vampire Lord's Greatest Wife ❤
Welcome to the Yandere Cafe (rating subject to change)
Yojouhan no Ibara Hime
𝐍𝐎𝐓 𝐒𝐅𝐖
あざと可愛い✕くんの執着サド交尾は本物です x!!!
無能力��女は狛犬の淫紋快楽漬け x❤!
2LDK IKEMEN Tsuki Bukken Arimasu !!
A Dream Between the Sheets ❤❤
A Gentle Sea Monster and a Lonely Girl !
A Predator in a Skirt !
A Sip of Poison !
Boy's Abyss (subject to change, new read) !!
Childhood Friend's Secret Massage !
Consort to the Fox Spirit Lord
Dark Fall !
Depths of Malice !
Devoured by a Bookworm Girl !
Fire in His Fingertips ❤
Former Delinquent Farmer's Sex Appeal is Dangerous!
From Him to Who? ~Sex With My Body-Snatched Husband ❤
Gokudou to Omega - Mukidashi no Katsuai
Hana's Demons of Lust !
Hare-kon 𝟏+
Heat 200 Meters Away (200 M Saki no Netsu)
Honey, I'm Going On a Strike!
How to Make a Frigid Girl Cum
I'm in Love With Mr. Hanabusa
Lady K and the Sick Man ❤❤
Last Order wa Ojou-san de Dekiai Jouren Kyaku ni Kyuuai saretemasu
Junai - Pure Wet Love
Kuma to Tora ~Taikakusa Osananajimi no Hajimete kara, Kemono ni Naru 2-kakan made~ x
Madoka Exorcist ❤!
Mede Little Roy !
Mr. Tada is a Top Performer
Muttsuri Akazukin-kun kara wa nige rarenai
My Cold Co-worker Obsessively Loves Me
Pet Baby Doll
Pygmalion's Savior is a Big But Immature Love Monster !❤
Red Hot Proposal: Surrounded by His Tanned Body
Sadistic Beauty !!!!
Sakaki the Lazybones Shows His Talents at Night ❤❤
Sapphire Dew ~ Infatuated Gentlemanly Boyfriend Seizes the Initiative !
Seishun no Hekireki
Seriously can't pass this up. - Kohai's passionate sex won't stop until morning
Sinful Nun Pays Penitence to the Serpent ❤❤
Spring Amidst My Wintertide ❤
Superstitious Nine ❤
Sweet Lies Layered Like a Mille Feuille ❤
Tadano Renai Nanka de Kikkonai ❤❤
The Golden Forest !
The Goldfish’s Corpse Lies at the Bottom of the Swamp !!!!!!!!
The Greengrocer is a Carnivore in Bed!?
The Man Who Saved Me in My Isekai Trip Was a Killer!!!!!!!
The Neighbor in Room 203 Disappeared Leaving a Key Behind !!!!!!!
The Reincarnated Saint Falls for the Demon Lord
The Tainted Half !
The Virgin Witch
The Weird Senior in the Seat Next to Me ❤❤❤! (Tonari Senpai)
Toshishita Osananajimi ga Watashi o Shibatte Hanasa nai! x
Totem's Realm
Touching is Better Than Looking
Under the Oak Tree
Until the Obedient Bodyguard Exposes the Body and the Lie of the Fake Lady ❤
"Wanna Cum?" The Pure Taiga Advances Slow and Sweet ❤❤
Welcome to the Muscle Salon ❤❤❤
When Beauty Meets Beasts
When You Are Reincarnated As The villain NPC's Girl And Be Loved By The Strongest Prince Who Is Not A Capture Target !!
Wild Eyes
Will You Pledge Your Love to an Incubus?
Wish Upon a Husband
Yaba Ai Instructor !
You're Too Cute for Me to Be Gentle
𝐁𝐋 𝐍𝐎𝐓 𝐒𝐅𝐖 𝐑𝐄𝐂𝐒
4 Week Lovers BL
A Handless Day BL!
A Hot Wet Job for Three -Adult Toy Tester- BL, 𝟏+
A Kiss for You, My Shinobi BL
A Tree Without Roots BL❤!
Angel Buddy BL❤❤
Bidou Wakadanna Koi Shitau Wa Koushoku Otoko BL❤
Bitten by Moonlight BL
Black Mirror BL!!!
Blind Play BL!!
Can't Think Straight BL
Cherry Blossoms After Winter BL
Confession Night BL
Dangerous Convenience Store BL
Dawn of the Dragon BL
Dear Door BL
DEATH or LOVE BL
Delinquent Omega Belongs to the Beast King BL
Demon of Lustful Hell BL
Desharow Merman BL❤
Die If You Aren't a Virgin BL
Eat Me Up, My Husband BL!
Ennead
Eunsoo's Good Day BL
Eye Contact BL
Fake Fact Lips BL
Frenemies: Thicker Than Blood BL❤
Friends, Engaged
Fucking in the Dorms BL!
Ghost Gate BL!!!!!
Healing Paradox BL❤
He's a Better Top Than Me?! BL
Home Far Away BL❤!!!
Horeta Otoko wa Shin'yuu de BL!
Housekeeper's Love Affair BL
How to convince your best friend to sleep with you BL
Hyperventilation BL❤❤❤
I Didn't Ask You to Eat Me!
I Love You, Nothing Else Matters BL❤
In an Empty Classroom BL
Indigo BL
I Ship My Rival x Me BL
It's Just a Dream... Right? BL❤❤❤
Jinx BL!
Kabukicho Bad Trip BL
Kiss de Egaku Ittousei BL❤
Kiss Me, Liar BL!
Lala no Kekkon BL!
Liveta BL
Love in Kitsch BL
Love is an Illusion BL!
Love Jinx BL❤
Low Tide in Twilight BL!!
Mad Dog BL❤❤
Miscreants and Mayhem BL
Missing Love BL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (<I cannot express this enough.)
My Delicious Dream Boy BL❤
My Demon Crybaby, Maria BL
My Partner Suddenly Got Younger - An Omega Caretaker Plays Alpha BL!
Natsu no Teppen ni Saku BL
Old-Fashioned Cupcake BL❤❤ (has a j-drama)
Pain, Sweet Pain BL
Passion BL
Payback BL❤❤❤
Pearl Boy BL❤!!!!!!
Pink Heart Jam BL❤❤
Please, Candy! BL!
Roses and Champagne BL!
Sadistic Beauty: Side Story BL!!!!!!
Secret Inside My Head BL❤❤❤
Semantic Error BL (has a j-drama)
Sensei wa Nekketsu ga Areba Juubunda! BL!
Sick BL
Sign BL❤❤❤
Sketch BL❤
Speak of the Devil BL
Steel Under Silk BL❤
Surge Looking for You BL❤
Sweet Trap BL
Tabetemo Oishiku Arimasen BL
Tentacle Recipe BL(?)❤
The Blessed Life of a Retired Nian Monster BL
The Crybaby's at the Mean Devil's Mercy BL❤
The Foxy Mouse's Romance BL
The Origin of Species BL!
The Pizza Delivery Man and the Gold Palace BL
The Pure-Hearted Puppy and the Erotic Tattoo BL❤
The Silent Concubine BL!
The Unquenchable Mr. Kim BL❤
The Words in Your Snare BL❤❤❤
To Take An Enemy's Heart BL!
Tomodachi Engagement BL
Trick Turned Into a Threesome With the Tachibana Brother BL
Under the Greenlight BL
Unexpectedly Naughty Fukami BL❤
Unromantic Romance BL❤
Young Lover BL!!
Your Wish is My Command BL❤
Yours to Claim BL
Zenryaku, Onii-chan wa Seijo ni Narimashita BL!
more recommendations will likely be added as time goes on! feel free to copy these recs for your own checklist of 'to reads'.
hope you enjoy them like i did! :)
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Just watched Mutant Mayhem, here are my thoughts!
Overall: Yes, very good I suggest everyone watch it when they can or I will break your knees :)
I’m going to end up rambling far too much unless I split this properly, so I’m going to break it down into sections starting from what I believe is most important in a movie.
This post is still going to be a mess ngl
Story: 8/10
The story is actually very good! It was paced very well and ended in a very touching way. No character interactions or plot beats felt forced or cliché, and no forced identity politics which is always a plus.
The action scenes - of course they were amazing. Paired with the stellar animation, each action scene was brilliantly directed and choreographed. The start shows the turtles’ origin story is similar to most of the iterations with its own unique factors - in this case the ooze was created by Baxter Stockman.
The conflict of the plot was well written, the final act was great and ends with a hopeful and satisfying ending (there is a mid credit scene that teases something big for the series though!).
If it’s any consolation, it’s also very friendly to new fans of TMNT - I went with someone who has not seen any TMNT media before and they really liked it and understood it easily.
Characters: 9/10
Needless to say, all the characters were very well done. Despite its run time and large cast, each one feels grounded with their own unique personality.
For starters: the four main boys! They were done brilliantly - Mikey being hopeful and optimistic whilst naturally being empathetic, Raph channeling chaotic good energy with his iconic rage personality not being over the top, Donnie being a geek in the best way possible, and Leo trying to be a good leader and anxious, always looking out for his brothers but not a complete teachers pet. All very likeable, and I can’t wait to see them in the series!
Splinter: probably the best since 2003! Openly caring of his sons and worries a great deal about how humans will perceive them. Has his own trauma from his experience with humans so he tries to protect his sons by isolating them completely, but eventually realises that his own view of humans should not affect his son’s happiness and lets them fulfil their dream of trying to be accepted by humans even if he will never like humanity himself. Peak character development, 10/10.
Villain/s: all of them felt fleshed out and I look forward to seeing them in the series! Posed their own genuine threats with varying levels of morals. Again, all were fleshed out quite well and played a role in the story.
April: honestly, she didn’t have too much in it compared to the others but does play a key role in the final act and the ending itself. An interesting iteration of April, curious to see more of her.
Animation: 10000000/10
It was brilliant. What else can I say? Though inspired by Spider-verse it is its own style which is amazing to look at. It thrives in action scenes and landscapes. Another groundbreaking style that I hope to see influence others.
Music: 8/10
It slaps. Almost all of them I will be playing for the next week or so. The soundtracks really set the mood beautifully, especially the sombre track. Paired with the animation - ugh - chefs kiss
Overall Rating: 8/10
I am usually very very harsh with films, so for me to rate anything above a seven is basically unheard of. Probably my favourite movie of 2023, and my favourite TMNT movie. 2003 only just beats it overall but that’s mostly because I’ve known it for longer - who knows, a few more rewatches and it might overtake.
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