#PM Isolator
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getting a diagnosis for smthn is actually so crazy. 22 years old and looking back at my whole life like OHHHHHH. I GET IT NOW
#was kinda chill at the gp the other day when she was like yeah You have pmdd <3 but i've truly had it on my mind all day every day since#bc it quite literally explains EVERYTHING. my life went to shit at 12 i literally self-imploded and took out everything in the vicinity#and it was literally bc i was hormonal. bc that was around the age i started getting a cycle#and for as long as ive been getting periods they've been hell on earth in some way or another#i spent 3 years at uni thinking i genuinely had a personality disorder bc of how insane my mood swings were#id act in ways that scared MYSELF id convince myself so wholly of totally irrational things#and a week later id look back in horror like what WAS that#and it was bc of pmdd. it was bc every time im due on i am incapable of regulating hormones most people deal with#like it's not just 'pms but a bit worse' it's a DISORDER. it's IN THE DSM5#it's a serious fucking thing they're MEDICATING ME FOR bc it's DEBILITATING#no wonder i wasn't dealing w it well!!! and reading all these quotes from people who also have it and seeing myself in them#and how isolated and crazy they felt pre-diagnosis is so!! like i truly feel so relieved even just having this diagnosis#even if the meds dont work and i have to try something else it's just !!!! oh my god !!!!
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just had breakfast... in my new old workplace
#it was 12:40 pm#its my first official day and i got here late because the subway blew up but my boss was in a meeting and didnt realize#thank god#we started working right away and now were isolating samples from a salt field in the desert#haveimg fun in my job
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The only advice I have is if you're feeling lonely, work on a creative project
#advice for myself#if you're an isolator like me#trying to solve the loneliness by reaching out often makes it worse#if you get rejected (even for reasonable cause. like it's 2 am and everyone's asleep. or 2 pm and everyone's working)#it exacerbates the loneliness and makes you feel like dying#maybe the big solution to loneliness is community but I feel like that takes scaffolding that you haven't done#by the time you actually feel lonely it's too late#so don't work against the coping skills you're relying on right now#if you find yourself refreshing notifications or scrolling and scrolling and wishing someone would interact with you#if nothing is working to distract you#turn to a creative project#any at all#i think this works#i think it makes me happy and fulfilled#i think it makes me feel less lonely#i'll keep trying. and we'll find out
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woke up feeling extraordinarily bad in the brain. checked clue. everything makes sense
#i am honestly pretty convinced i have pmdd#doesn't feel normal to pms this bad every month#and ive been bitey the last couple of days too and grumpy in ways i wish i wasnt#and like. okay thats normal but feeling this level of despair isnt#julia speaks#i am feeling extremely isolated and alone and i don't have any friends within 160 miles
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two episodes of nervous crying your brains out for longer than one hour in the span of three days were not in my bingo card for 2024 when I graduated ten years ago and I would like to frankly get the fuck over myself
#personal for ts#one day i’ll be able to put into words#the absolutely hateful feeling of thinking you got over your shit#and then finding out that NOT ONLY you aren’t#but KNOWING you’re falling back into shitty coping mechanisms you STILL let it happen#honestly my self loathing is off the roof because fifteen years ago i didn’t know i was shitty coping#now i KNOW i am and guess what here i am doing the whole isolating myself and forgetting to reply to ppl song and dance#christ i thought i was okay with handling that kinda shit guess not#and yeah ofc i need to fix it for myself but this time is so much worse i’m just#my kingdom for waking up one morning and feeling some level of mental clarity#and for some goddamned financial stability#and for the force of will to keep the house tidy enough that i dont feel sad just looking at the state of the living room#guys also honestly sorry if i forgot to reply to your ask or pm or anything i’ll get to it at some point#i swear i’m not ignoring people on purpose i’m just completely overwhelmed sigh
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1 PM : And still the rain continues to fall. And still here you remain, safe and sound and cozy and alone. Lightning flashes just a hair's breadth away from the walls of your home, thunder following seconds later. Do not listen to the call of your name. Do not fall for their words. Stay in here, and stay alone, and listen to every prediction sent your way. Stay inside. Just stay inside.
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Nekro's been on the lash? 👀 Yes, brother! On a school night, get in!
Yeeeeees been out with my best friend all day for her birthday and had a blast 👏 There definitely was a lot of alcohol involved but I can still walk straight. I think. Maybe. Actually I'm not sure
#fuck I needed to see my friends#isolation scuuuuucks#okay I've been drinking since 2 pm and it is now 10 pm#tried mulled wine for the first time#it was okay#0h also I thought about you Jack we got Witcher themed shots ??? loved it#tomorrow morning is gonna be. interesting#both my best friend and I were craving a noght out involving too much alcohol so perfect#9h wow#nekro yapping
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sometimes I forget that I missed the age where u get to have a best friend and how like I’m never going to have that ever.
#^_^#well. C’est la vie. I’m so ok w being alone forever.#Should I go to bed 💭💭 now I just feel bad cuz I thought too much is the problem.#Ugh. I hates myself. I hate being alive. I missed too many milestones I can’t be a well adjusted person.#ok. I’m going to go. Isolation mode.#I neeeed to get these ppl to not want to hang anymore.#I want them to make new friends faster.#^_^ please just let it happen I know it is I see it going on please let them just move on faster. God.#(^ guy who has crazy crazy abandonment issues huh)#(I’m just so used to being a transition friend bf people find their group proper. Ugh please I know who ur ppl are. It’s not me please)#(don’t make me feel like it will be. Ever. I hate it. ughhhh. Nothings even happened I just feel wrong in my heart rn.)#(hm. pms ?)#(idc I’ll be killing myself soon)
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:c
#cold brew this morning was maybe not the move#combined with pms + my back pain i’m feeling a little hellish#plus we got kicked out of the group chat at work bc we’re technically not in the district anymore#so idk it just feels weird and isolated#sowwy i just need to complain a little :(#gg txt
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anyways while all this bs is happening does anyone else remember the deal mori and fukuzawa made......
...also yosano has been awfully absent for far too long now i am: afraid
#fukuzawa thinking it was abt yosano but no mori is just gonna drag dazai back to pm#and he will go willingly no protest wtv bc he thinks in the end thats where he belongs to always. that the can never get the mafia#out of his system bc he IS the mafia.. and in some sad sick pathetic way while this held true in the past... it no longer does#but this man has isolated himself from everyone else for so long that i doubt he is aware of this fact. that he is more detective agency#than port mafia now........#danyl talks#bungou stray dogs
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Normalnormalnormal. Tomorrow is the halfway point and then I just have to do everything I did last week, all over again, and then I get to go home and smoke look at Urianger and kiss my dog on his stupid noggin and my kittie on her wittle baby head 😵💫
#and also make a whole pot of coffee and DRINK IT#nothing like being away from home in semi-isolation from nearly everything to expose your addictions. like caffeine.#but also there’s just nothing to do here l o l. I don’t have a car and I most assuredly don’t have any MONEY.#day-2-day#so yeah I’m just entering the null space every day between noon and 8 pm ish 😶#obligatory don’t smoke cos it’s bad for you kids.#at least I don’t drink…..?#oh also tomorrow is T-injections day which might explain the slight run down feeling of today. but who knows.
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wait so (if sigma is alive), we all know he is going to join the ADA, right (it isn't confirmed but cmon, it was so heavily hinted at) and the ADA still owes the port mafia a member as per their deal, so... what if sigma joins the ADA and then mori chooses sigma?
#that would be such a crazy plot twist and i wouldnt exactly put it past asagiri to do that#tho ive seen many people theorize that mori is going to pick tanizaki#i wouldnt mind that tbh bc atleast he'll be seperated from 😐 and maybe get some common sense when isolated from 😐#also i want him to have more screen time#the fact that if tanizaki does indeed join the PM then the PM will have all the ginger characters in the show#bungou stray dogs#sleepy vix#bsd spoilers
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#pms ing and in such a bad mood#send help#take me home and let me self isolate in my cozy room and go for walks#i miss home
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ouaaa loneliness is eating my brain again uh oh
#i keep going to school and then noone is there until like 1 pm but by then ive already turned wretched for the day and just isolate and#talk to noone and get annoyed at everyone and i havent really spoken to my friends#since last week (except yennens) but urgh its not great
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Reminded about rachael corrie. Apparently her story is going viral because of some purported pancake day in her name. Not an actual holiday in israel but as far as i can tell, a cruel joke in 2013 by some settler militants and/or IDF soldiers. Imagine, even a white woman from the US gets linked with "palestinian militants" because she sympathized with palestinians. In 2003, she was called so many names, chief among it is "stupid". There was a claim that she was encouraged by her palestinian friends to lie down in front of the bulldozer while these friends run away. The victim blaming narrative is always used when it comes to palestinian suffering or suffering adjacent to palestinians. In rachael's case, it's her fault for putting herself in front of a bulldozer. Palestinians gets bombed? Their fault for not running away on short notice. Palestinians are starving? Their fault for not voting out a government elected in 2006 even though there hasn't been an election since.
#meanwhile israelis voted a crook as pm for over a decade#illegal settlement activities are still ongoing in the west bank#he paid hamas off so they would keep the violence to a mininum#mowing the lawn he called it#israeli cabinet ministers gleefully encourage war crimes#is anyone delegitimizing the israeli govenment#isolate israel from the rest of the world because its govenment are made of bad guys#of course the most important question to ask is#do you condemn hamas
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9 PM : Did you drift off, holding the door so tightly? When did you slump down from exhaustion, and fail in your vigil? When did the thing made of sharpened points and burning cold slip past your guard, and into your bedroom? You need to know when it happened. You need to know when it got inside, or else you won’t know where it’s gotten to.
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