ay-system

[ay-system]

It's another round of

✨ How the fuck did Meeples know who's in the system before us ✨

I just recently found out that we have another little. His name is Oatmeal. He's really cute, I can hear him talking sometimes. I think he's younger than Meeples.

We also have Delayla and she seems to stick with Dom a lot. I think she's also around Meeples age. I haven't met her much becuase I'm usually near front and she doesn't come to front much. But I would love to meet her.

I'm trying to get Meeples to do picrews of them so I know what they look like.

[ay-system]

I think it's even harder to recollect something bad when you're a system. Becuase your brain already decides to store it somewhere where you can't relive it.

If someone asked me what's something bad that happened 2 days ago I'd have to sit here for like 10 minutes trying to remeber and hope that someone will pass up the memory. And often Ivy doesn't let that happen, if it's something terrible.

Also what does that professor expect? For someone to say "I had to take a test even though I got an hour asleep"? Or is he really waiting for the "I relapsed after being sober for 3 months" or the "I tried to off myself"

Personal battles are PERSONAL for a reason. Opening up to complete strangers about things can be a death sentence because EVERYONE now knows what's going on in your life.

"But Ay what if that's moment they finally find help?"

You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

If that person straight says "I tried to take my life" they might do it again. They might not care at that point. They might be too far gone.

Just something to think about.

-Ay, Dom, Francis

i hate when the teacher’s like “write about a bad time in your life” like i ain’t tryna get a social worker up my ass, thanks tho fam

[ay-system]

Reminder to fellow systems:

(under the cut)

Introjects can be like their source. They can love it. They can reference it or joke that they're actually the character if they want.

They can also be nothing like it. They can hate it.

Neither of these make you fake.

The headspace isn't physical. However, things can still happen there, as untrue as they are to the real world it's still valid to see things happen- just try not to mix it up too much with reality! And yes, some systems are able to front ban alters. Some people also don't have headspaces at all, or it's minimal, or it's complex.

This does not make you are fake.

Typing quirks can vary. If you have one that someone needs a translation for, try to provide a translation. For littles, they might not be able to translate for themselves very well. Find a way to compromise so both your sys and those with screen readers can communicate without problems. However don't insist you absolutely cannot find a way to accommodate. There's always a way.

Having difficulty translating does not make you fake.

Littles can type however the fuck they want. Who cares. They're littles. They can speak like an adult, they can speak like a toddler. They can be shit at grammar. They can be good at it. Sometimes it's voluntary and other times just how they naturally communicate.

None of this makes you fake.

Just because someone tells you you're fake doesn't mean you're fake. Every system has a different experience. Don't listen to people telling you the way you switch makes you fake. Don't listen to them when they say your trauma isn't enough.

Want to identify as multiple people? Does it help your system? Do it. As long as you actively remember you cannot get separate bodies and you split from one person.

This doesn't make you fake.

It is. You are valid. And if you find out you're wrong about being a system, that's okay. It's just a setback.

But if I see anyone purposely faking it imma defenestrate you.

[ay-system]

I hate being mentally ill.

I hate that people just think I'm okay.

I have mental illnesses. My mental health is doing better but I still have these disorders.

And shitty part is they are CHRONIC which means they don't go away.

Which means I will be taking these pills till I die.

Bipolar. Ocd. Adhd. Torettes. Now cdd?

I'm living with this shit. Doctors keep piling on the diagnosis and trying get me to do therapy while I'm still trying to get my degree.

People don't understand I can't live alone because what if I go through a manic phase? I need to set 20 million alarms and do silly tricks for me to be able to get up and do shit. I have to have posters on my wall reminding me that I am not my thoughts.

I hate that people just think it's weird and pass it off. Or they give me THAT look. I hate it.

I hate being mentally ill.

[ay-system]

The song is so true. I'll put on a song and then boom can't rmeber anything for the rest of the song.

And then my ocd is like ummm bad song bad song bad song

So it's fun all around

Ay

sometimes i wonder why people "want" to be system or have a trauma disorder, you really want the sleepless nights? do you really want the horrible flashbacks? do you want to feel like a monster for having basic human reactions? do you want to have everything rush back because you put a song on?

stop thinking systemhood is "just fun little friends in youre head" stop thinking cluster b is "cute" and "quirky" its not, it never will be these disorders ruin my life, i get systems and trauma finding fun in a shit position, but they are not for others to find "fun" or "cool"

stop being fucking weird about us

[ay-system]

First thing I saw when I opened tumblr🥲

it wasn't your fault btw. you were a kid. idk what you expect you could've done differently

[ay-system]

Cw talking of relapse, child finding sh

So last night we relapsed and before when this happened I usually black out and don't remember it but this time I do remeber it and I knownit wasn't me I think I was co-con

I'm just worried about meeples becuade I dont remeber him reacting to other times we've relapsed so I don't know how he will.

It hurts so he'll definitely notice it. I just... I'm scared he's going to front at work and freak out. It's so hard taking him out of front even for Bou.

So yeah.... that's happening....

Ay/Ollie

[ay-system]

So I'm in pysch class and we're were talking about children and bes times and she asked us what bedtime routine we had as a child

I said "Book, sang twinkle twinkle little star, then lights off"

And she said "Pjamas and bathtime right?"

Mmmm nope sorry. My life was too unstable that those werent part of the routine.....I don't remeber it. I don't know what happened but I know it was unstable enough to cause me to split.

-Ay

[ay-system]

I read the first sentence and thought "Awww that's a sweet thing to say"

But the second one threw me for a loop. Becuade my most recent ocd obsession is everything happens for a reason and God wanted me this to do this/get this/ see this or something

And logically to beat ocd is to feel and let go. And I have to remind myself a higher power does not dictate my actions, that yes I'm having these thoughts bug they do not mean anything.

You're not being punished by the way, you've done nothing wrong. Not everything happens for a reason.

[ay-system]

OH MY GOD THATS WHAT HAPPENED WITH ME

I was having a lot of problems with my age regressing and amnesia so I reached out to tumblr and reddit and a lot people were like hey check into plurality

I pushed it off till my dissociation was getting really out of hand and now tadaaaa I have a multi personality disorder (I'm unsure of which one right now)

Meeples (the little alter who I thought was my age regressed self) he knows everything going on in the headspace and who everyone is and as the host I don't so it's interesting when he gives me an answer for a question I was wondering about myself.

I'm glad there is others out there that found out through their little alters. I'm glad meeples led us to here.

Ay/Bou/ Cora

How I found out I had Dissociative Identity Disorder (before diagnosis)

This is through the lens of the host. There are 3 different times I found out about my DID. We were 15 years old at the time, around this time and in summer, 7 years ago.

1. I was age regressing a lot. I noticed my personality changed drastically when age regressed. The way I viewed people changed too. My mind was that of a child. At one point I decided to name my age regressed state. (We'll call her K). I was on instagram and a question popped up, "why do you age regress?". One of the reasons was "multiple personality disorder/DID". My age regressed state, or "K", told me that that was the reason. I looked into it and the symptoms fit my experience, I just didn't know about it then. "K" then told me about the others in the system.

2. Another alter, we'll call her "P", wrote a story about another alter, "M". I thought I was writing it but I would never remember what I wrote afterwards. The alter we were writing about, "M", told us or told "P", how she wanted the story to go. As it was her "innerworld backstory". M would come out a lot to help write her story as well.

3. I won't go into too much detail as it is very personal, but it happened after a breakup. I couldn't handle the emotions so "P" and "K" took over a lot during that time and I realized in whole that I have multiple identity states.

[ay-system]

Get to know Natasha!

☆---------‐--------------------------☆

Hi! My name is Natasha! This is my first time *actually* fronting!

I'm actually almost always co-con I'd like to think I was formed to help our old host escape reality. We had malandaptive daydreams and I guess I kind of just aided the old host in creating scenarios and what not.

Now I usually do help with creating scenarios but also coming up with ideas since we are older now.

☆------------------------------------☆

Quick facts!

Nickname(s): Nat or Nattie

Age: S, same as body

Syscourse stance: I honestly have no clue what's an endo system

Social media: None sadly. I don't front often

Looking for friends; Hell yeah! I wanna know if there's more headmates like me out there!

☆---------‐--------------------------☆

Dividers made by @h-aewo , @sseuda and @strangergraphics-archive

[ay-system]

https://aysystem.straw.page

Made a straw page! Check it out if you want! It's got some of our other socials on there!

[ay-system]

Does anyone else get home and just feel an overwhelmed becuade you are just hit with

It's time to eat

You need to go to the bathroom

You have to finish your homework

You need to make sure you have clothes for tommorrow

And each one has their own unique steps and fhwjfoenfkendje cuz you have to cook or get undressed or open your computer or actually go to the bathroom or check the laundry

I hate adhd why can't I be normal

- Ay

[ay-system]

So update (cuz some people wanted to know 😭)

It did not come all the way off there's still like a thin layer of nail there??? So that's why it doesn't hurt I think....

Our dermatillomania is crazy so it's not an unusual thing so it didn't worry me a lot

Bou/Ay

I hate being a system

Cw toe nails and a little tmi

Got out of the shower and was clipping my nails and..... one of our toes does not have a nail. Like it looks like it's been ripped clean off no blood or anything.

So who the FUCK ripped off our toe nail!?!?!?

The skin is all soft and it's gross that there's no nail.

We (or the body???) Have dermatillomania so it's common that we find wounds and stuff on the body

BUT A WHOLE TOENAIL!?!?! WITHOUT PAIN!?!?!? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!?!?!?!

Anyway anyone else have these kinds of experiences?

[ay-system]

I hate being a system

Cw toe nails and a little tmi

Got out of the shower and was clipping my nails and..... one of our toes does not have a nail. Like it looks like it's been ripped clean off no blood or anything.

So who the FUCK ripped off our toe nail!?!?!?

The skin is all soft and it's gross that there's no nail.

We (or the body???) Have dermatillomania so it's common that we find wounds and stuff on the body

BUT A WHOLE TOENAIL!?!?! WITHOUT PAIN!?!?!? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!?!?!?!

Anyway anyone else have these kinds of experiences?

[ay-system]

Honestly shout out to Meeples.

He's our only (I think) little that is elementary age and yet he does A LOT for our system.

When he's fronting he's able to grab our bus pass our wallet, our water bottle, our phone.

He's able to get on the bus and take it to work

Sometimes he's able to get dressed.

He writes down assignments we need done.

He does a lot. And I'm proud of him for doing so.

I can't co con much and see him do these things but I can hear what the others say.

Cora/Francis

[ay-system]

I make new pony race!!!