#Richie jerimovich x platonic!reader

[sunnybunnyy2]

Brother Bear series materlist

Mikey Berzatto never had an easy life. His family was never really stable, neither were his friends. And in his darkest times, when he felt like he didn't have anything to live for, she came along. And with a blink of an eye, he had everything he needed. Care, comfort, love. He finally felt understood until he started to close off.

Warnings: Fluff, Angst, difficult family dynamics, Self-harm, Suicide, Potential spoiler, eating disorders (not in great detail), Death, Death of a loved one, Bullying (against Carmen), Violence, Alcohol, Weed, Suicidal thoughts(for both reader and Mikey), Maybe smut🤭, Panic attacks, and grief.

Prologue

Chapter one - Broken Step

[etherealising]

chapter one | a berzatto family christmas

masterlist | next chapter ↣

pairing(s): carmen berzatto x fem!reader : platonic!michael berzatto x fem!reader : platonic!richie jerimovich x fem!reader

summary: you reunite with carmy years later at the berzatto family christmas party.

warnings: language (cursing), blasphemy, angst (maybe?), spoilers kinda (if you haven't seen season 2 don't read), the berzatto family, not dialogue heavy, very subtle hints to mikey being suicidal, probably ooc!characters, idk what else but if you find something let me know please! not beta’d and minimal editing so sorry for any mistakes. i also wrote this overstimulated on caffeine so if it doesn’t make sense or it’s repetitive then we know why : )

semantics: no use of Y/N: reader goes by the nickname Baby it has a backstory and its literally so simple, if this bothers you idk what to tell you, sorry : (

wc: 4.7k

You were standing on the sidewalk, nerves filling your body as you hyped yourself up to take the few steps left to the porch and ring the doorbell. You shouldn’t have been so nervous, you knew that but your mind was spinning with the myriad of scenarios both good and bad; that could play out once you stepped foot past the threshold. In all honesty, it wasn’t so much that you were nervous to enter the house itself, it was the fact that you’d be face to face with your childhood best friend for the first time in you didn’t even know how long. Maybe childhood best friend was a stretch you had only been introduced into each other's lives due to circumstance, and because of that forced proximity, you both took comfort in having someone stable around.

The two of you weren’t friends because you had chosen each other, or because you had met in kindergarten and shared toys in the sandbox because the other kids were stingy. No, you met because as a single mom, your mother needed all the shifts she could get even if that meant working the graveyard shift at the hospital, and only seeing you a handful of hours throughout the day because most times she was too dead on her feet to be conscious for more than a few hours. And when she could no longer pay the babysitter her next best option was the eccentric woman across the street who had children close in age with you.

Enter Donna Berzatto, a woman who came to feel like a second mom to you. It's not that she replaced your mom, no one could ever replace her, but she was the only real mother figure you knew for a time in your life. Who took you in as her own when your mother needed a new babysitter, and not just you but integrated your mom into the family as well, when she was spared the time off from nursing. Donna Berzatto who never sent you home empty-handed, and always made enough food for you and your mom to last throughout the week, just so your mother wouldn’t have to worry about fitting grocery shopping into her already hectic schedule. Donna Berzatto who, even when you were old enough to no longer need a babysitter, would send Carmy across the street to fetch you for family dinner, or even just invite you over because she thought you needed company.

Now that you were thinking about it, it seemed like you were more friends with his mom than you ever were with Carmen Berzatto. But then that would be a lie wouldn’t it?

You and Carmen Berzatto were friends due to circumstance, maybe even best friends. You weren’t just friends at his house, but you were school friends, you were everywhere friends. He really was your only true friend, of course, you had school friends, but that’s just what they were. You saw them Monday through Friday for a mandatory education, never an hour before school started or a minute after the final bell. Which didn’t necessarily bother you, but sometimes you longed for a weekend invitation to hang out, not that it ever came. And it wasn’t like you were shunned or unpopular in school, you were just average, you didn’t see a point in making friends with people you weren’t actually interested in befriending.

That’s what made Carmy so different, yes maybe you were only introduced due to circumstances but that didn’t stop the two of you from latching onto each other for dear life. Your mom always wondered how you two even established the friendship you did, with both of you being shy and never feeling the need to go out of your way to make friends. Include the fact that you had been neighbors practically your whole lives and never once taken an interest in each other aside from shy waves and curious childlike staring when either of you would be outside.

Your relationship with Carmen progressed as any childlike relationship would, you befriended each other, had your incessant petty arguments and fights, nothing ever serious enough to actually cause damage just childish antics. And it continued to progress through middle school and high school, the two of you were each other’s person, you just understood each other, the two of you let the other understand you, and wanted to be understood by each other.

You could also recall what you explain as a minute change in your friendship. As Senior year approached and you and Carmy continued to grow into yourselves, you developed a slight crush on the boy you had grown up with. It obviously wasn’t as small as you thought it was if you were standing in front of his childhood home giving yourself a pep talk just to ring the damn doorbell though was it?

The unsolicited card and wrapped present weighed heavy in your tote bag, as your breath was made visible by the chilly Chicago weather.

It was Christmas and for all intents and purposes you had been planning on mailing the present to Carmen’s New York address, but after visiting The Beef on your way back into town Mikey and Richie had let it slip that indeed the infamous Berzatto sibling would be gracing everyone with his presence this holiday season.

It was moments like these you wished you had picked up on the Berzatto family’s horrible smoking habit, thankfully your mom had taught you just how vital having functioning lungs was.

Your head shot up as the sound of loud rambunctious voices drew your attention to the front door opening and closing revealing a face you were all too familiar with and actually relieved to see. The oldest Berzatto brother stood on the porch, hands on his hips as he gave you a goofy smile. You could feel your lips stretching into a smile of your own, the infectious aura that Michael Berzatto exuded doing wonders to calm your racing mind.

“I know you didn’t come all this way just to stand outside staring at my family home like a fucking weirdo Baby.” Mikey’s smile grew in size as he teased you.

You rolled your eyes at the childhood nickname you wish hadn’t stuck as Mikey opened his arms to wrap you in one of his signature hugs. The two of you stood on the porch embracing each other for what felt like hours, you needed this hug as much as he needed it, you knew it and Mikey did too. That was the thing about you and Mikey although not blood-related it was as if your souls knew each other in a past life. Of the Berzatto siblings, Mikey was the last sibling you developed a relationship with. Growing up he was always just Carmy’s older brother but as you grew up surrounded by him, he became your surrogate older brother as well. And when Carmy dashed off to pursue his culinary dreams in New York, you and Mikey grew even closer.

You stepped back from the embrace, your eyes finding Mikey’s as he looked at you with a knowing glint in his eyes. “You not standing out here cause of a certain Chef in that house are ya?” Mikey asked, smirking down at you.

You chuckled “The only reason I come around anymore is for Mama Donna.” You joked doing a poor job to convince Mikey.

He nodded, tossing his head back with a laugh, “You were always a shit liar Baby. Carmy’s an idiot, don't let him ruin your Christmas.”

You let out a sigh head resting against Mikey’s chest as you tried to let his words soothe you even more, “He’s not ruining it, you just know things have been kind of stilted between us, and I don’t know this whole situation just feels awkward.”

You raised your head to look at Mikey again, “It’s awkward right? Am I making things awkward? I don’t wanna ruin Christmas Mikey, I know how your mom is and I know how Carmy is, I don’t wanna ambush him.”

The worry in your voice was evident as Mikey stood there listening to your ranting. His hand reached out as he used his thumb to massage away the frown between your eyebrows. “Calm down Baby, you know Ma is expecting you, and she wouldn’t take it well if you missed Christmas. She looks forward to seeing you every year, you give her a piece of Carmy when he can’t be fucking asked to come home and visit.” His hand moved down to cup the side of your neck rubbing soothing circles where his thumb rested, “Do it for Ma okay? Let Carmy be fucking wonder boy Carmy a’ight.”

You laughed nodding your head as best as you could with Mikey’s hand holding it, he smiled giving you one last hug before dropping his hand to grab your wrist and tug you into the house. You stopped him by placing a hand on his arm that was connected to yours.

“Hold on Mikey, I got you something.” You moved to start rummaging through your tote bag stalling because you were too nervous for his reaction to the present.

“Awe you didn’t have to get me nothing.” You turned back to him with the present in your hands as he held his own hands over his heart mockingly. You knew Mikey didn’t do well when it came to sentimental things and the best you would get out of him was a joke as opposed to anything else.

You laughed holding the rectangular wrapped present out to him, “I wanted to Mikey, don’t think of this as a gift, think of it uhh…as a show of appreciation yeah?” You nodded feeling your face heat up as you dropped your head so he couldn’t see how unsure you were about the gift.

He smiled, finding your shyness endearing before tearing into the neatly wrapped paper and revealing a frame, his hands engulfing it from end to end. He smiled looking at it before you saw confusion etch across his face, “This is great Baby, yeah but uh what the fuck am I looking at?”

You shove his shoulder before laughing at him and grabbing the frame out of his hands but holding it in front of your chest so he could still see its contents, “It's a trademark certification you dumbass, can’t you fucking read Mikey.” You joked to try and underestimate how big of a gift this was.

Mikey’s brows furrowed before he snatched the frame out of your hands to get a better look at the certificate sitting behind the glass, eyes snapping back up to your face with a look you couldn’t read. You shuffled your feet feeling like you overstepped a boundary you didn’t even know was between you and Mikey, “Don’t worry though I-I, put it in your name, it’s not like I trademarked it for myself or anything. I just know how much this means to you and I, I know shit has been tough lately and I’m sorry if you feel like I stepped on your toes but…Mikey, you deserve good things too okay?” You hadn’t meant to go on a rant, but you could feel the apprehension leaving you as you became passionate in every word you spoke.

“You deserve to be fucking happy Mikey, and I, I want you to know I fucking believe in you and I’m always in your corner. If it's-” You were cut off by Mikey clearing his throat, causing your eyes to snap back up to his, all the emotions he didn’t know how to translate into words swirling in his brown eyes, a small smile resting on his lips.

“Mikey-,” Before you could get another word out you were once again trapped in his comforting embrace, this hug conveying something completely different from the earlier one you shared. Mikey’s head tucked into your neck as you felt his uneasy breathing through your hands clutched around him. Mikey wasn’t the type to get emotional in front of other people, and feeling a tear of his smear against your cheek as he raised his head from your neck and settled his bearded cheek against yours, you weren’t sure if you had done the right thing by giving him the gift or not.

The two of you stood in silence as you allowed Mikey his moment, not wanting to make him feel insecure about you being present while he was being emotional. When he finally pulled away you could see the leftover sheen in his eyes. He tucked the framed certificate under his arm as both his hands reached up to grab your face in both of his hands, eyes finding yours, a whispered “thank you, baby,” leaving his lips as he placed a kiss on your forehead before he grabbed the frame again and wrapped you in another hug.

His head rested atop yours as your face rested against his chest, ear pressed against his beating heart. You lied, you thought the last hug was different, but no it was this hug that was different, while the second hug you shared in the span of 20 minutes was a hug of love and gratitude. This hug felt heavier, like there were things Mikey wanted to tell you but couldn’t, things he only felt he could convey through a hug, things you weren’t sure if you wanted to question or not.

It had been almost 20 minutes since Michael had escaped the house to do whatever the fuck it was he was doing outside. Carmy didn’t know and in all honesty he didn’t actually give a shit either, too busy helping Donna out in the kitchen to try to give any thoughts to whatever had grabbed Mikey’s attention.

He was focused in the corner of the kitchen making Tiff Sprite to help alleviate her nausea symptoms. Anyone else would have done their best to block out the rambunctious noises going on throughout the house, not Carmy though, the chaos fueled him, it grounded him. If the house was quiet it would have been too much for him, to be alone with his own thoughts ping-ponging around in his head, waiting for a chance to drown him. So if he had to listen to his mom list a plethora of things he needed to make sure happened for Christmas dinner to go off without a hitch while he was making Sprite from scratch, he welcomed it.

He finished his concoction just in time for Richie to walk through the kitchen, the older man trying to figure out how the fuck it was even possible to make Sprite from scratch. Gratefully taking the glass Carmy had offered to him, marveling at the carbonated drink in his hand.

Carmy nodded in his direction, “Yo Cousin, where the fuck is Mikey. He just fucking disappeared.” Carmy’s head swiveled around the kitchen double checking whether his brother was there or not, coming up empty in his search. Richie glanced up before settling his eyes back on the drink in his hand still doing the mental math to wrap his head around what the fuck Carmy just made.

Richie jutted his head in the direction of the front door, “Outside talking to Baby.” His eyes finally focused on Carmy’s in time to see the frown grace the younger man’s face, his eyebrows pinching together in agitation, annoyed that his brother was on a phone call rather than inside. Though that’s what Carmy told himself subconsciously he knew he was just annoyed at the fact that Mikey was even talking to you at all. Carmy didn’t think he was possessive but as you and Mikey grew closer through the years, he couldn’t help but feel miffed about the ever growing friendship between the two of you. You and your friendship with Carmy was the first thing in his life that he felt like was actually his and his alone.

It’s funny really for Carmy to think he has any sort of claim over you, or like the two of you were even really friends anymore. When he left Chicago to pursue his culinary dreams, he left you behind to, essentially ghosting the one real friend he did have. It’s not like he meant to, you two just went your separate ways after graduation, and he wasn’t even sure if there even was an “Us” when it came to the two of you anymore. If that was the case the only person he had to blame was himself, it was no fault of yours that your friendship had hit a plateau, Carmy hadn’t responded to a text of yours in years, and the fact that you still texted him to this day caused a slight pain in his chest as he stood in the middle of his mother’s kitchen, frown still etched into his features.

“He’s outside on the phone with Baby?” Carmy questioned the ache in his chest doing nothing to alleviate his irritation. It was Richie’s turn to frown reciprocating the same confused look Camry wore.

“What - No dickhead, he’s talking to Baby, like she’s right in fucking front of him and shit.” Richie swatted the side of Carmy’s head like a child. “Your moms invites her to every holiday, Cousin, and she comes every time.” Richie knew the last bit wasn’t necessary but felt Carmy rightfully deserved it, all anyone wanted from the youngest Berzatto was a visit.

“Dudes been out there for fucking ever though, those to idiots just standing outside like a bunch of fucking jackoffs.” Richie left the kitchen not waiting for Carmy to follow him before heading to the front door. He stopped moving the curtain on one of the side windows to spot two of the people he considered family. He let out a low whistle nudging Carmy’s shoulder who had finally joined his side nodding his head to the window.

“Get a load of these fucking losers hugging on the porch like they’re in some fucking Hallmark movie or some shit.” Richie laughed pointing at you and Mikey through the window. Carmy leaned closer to get a peak at what Richie was going on about.

Carmy hated to admit it, but Richie was right, the too of you looked like the happy couple who just saved a small town’s Christmas or whatever the fuck Hallmark movies were about. Mikey had finally separated himself from you long enough for Carmy to take in your features. He’d be lying if he said the years apart made him forget what you looked like. You were still the same girl he left in Chicago all those years ago except the wand of maturity had touched you, and in his opinion he thought you looked more beautiful than you had in high school.

Carmy was never one to pay too much attention to a woman’s features, and not because he didn’t care, it's just that he didn’t think it mattered. But as he drank in your form he learned in that exact moment why a woman might want people to notice the small things. Like the haircut you were sporting that Carmy felt shaped your face well, not that he knew shit about stuff like that, but he could appreciate art when he saw it. The outfit you picked out doing wonders to compliment your tall form and accentuate your legs. Carmy could look at you all day, scratch that he wanted to look at you all day.

He was torn from his reverie as Richie narrated the scene happening in front of them, “Aw look at these fuckers lookin all in love an shit.” He joked watching as Mikey slung his arm around you and led you towards the door, what looked to be a frame held in his other hand. The two of you walked side by side, your arm wrapped around his torso, hugging him into your side, Mikey’s head leaning slightly down to whisper something in your ear a small smile gracing your face as Mikey pressed his lips onto your temple lingering there for what Carmen swore was forever.

The tightness in his chest intensified tenfold as the realization of just how close you and Mikey had become sank into him. He didn’t know how to feel, his brain not even allowing any emotions to process, saving himself from any conclusions he might come to from a split second interaction.

Carmy left, he chose his path, he knew this, and he had no regrets he would pursue his dream every time the opportunity was presented. He just wished that, maybe if he held onto you as tightly as you still held onto him, it would’ve been him greeting you on the sidewalk on Christmas Day, being the sole object of your attention holding you close to his longing body. He knew overall the decisions he made regarding you were wrong, while he ignored your daily text and calls enough times for you to just resort to monthly check ins asking him about his endeavors and congratulations as you heard about his achievements in the culinary industry, he knew deep down that Mikey answered every text and call you sent his way, made it his mission to connect with you anytime you were back in Chicago.

Carmy couldn’t admit it to himself but deep down he knew his family saw spending time with you as a way to stay connected to him. You were the closest thing any of them still had to Carmy, and even though he had essentially cut you off from his life, his family loved you too much to allow Carmy’s shortcomings to affect their relationship with you.

He was broken from the recesses of his mind as Richie threw the door open stepping over the threshold raising his hands in the air to welcome you and Mikey into the house. The glass of Sprite still clutched in his left hand, a broad smile spread across his face as you left Mikey’s hold to greet Richie eyes not having spotted Carmy who was hidden behind Richie’s small frame.

Carmy’s first up close look at you in years were your hands wrapped around Richie’s torso as he pulled you into a hug, rocking the two of you back and forth, Richie let you go quickly turning his body back into the house “A’ight fuckers you can all stop pretending you care so much about Carmy and his little rat in the chef hat bullshit. We got the real deal here now, Baby's gracing us with her journalist presence.”

Carmy’s brows furrowed at Richie’s dig only slightly offended about being compared to a fictional character named after pasta, too caught up in allowing the sound of your laugh to grace his ears for the first time in what felt like forever. Mikey had finally caught up to you standing behind you with a hand placed on your shoulder, Carmy watched as his brother’s hand glided up and down your arm before giving your bicep a slight squeeze and nodding his head in Carmy’s direction.

If Carmy was being honest it was becoming increasingly difficult to quiet his mind that was eagerly trying to piece everything together. From yours and Mikey's prolonged moment on the porch, to the kiss he placed on your temple, add in Richie’s jokes and the almost constant physical contact between you and Mikey and Carmy was sure he figured shit out.

You looked to where Mikey motioned his head finally noticing Carmy’s figure standing there while Richie ran off towards the stairs after his impromptu introduction. Looking at Carmy was like being in a Time Machine, nothing had drastically changed, he looked more exhausted than what you remembered. But overall he was the same Carmy you parted ways with all those years ago.

A small smile graced your lips as you took him in, he was still your Carmy appearance wise, and right now for you that was all that mattered. You lifted your hand in a small wave gaining his attention, your smile growing wider as your eyes locked with his.

The clearing of a throat broke you from your thoughts, Mikey’s hand giving your shoulder a squeeze as he walked you two into the house before shutting the door behind him. As he finished he stood in front of you so that Carmy was partially covered from view by each brother in your line of vision though your focus was taken up by the eldest. He gave you a reassuring smile before gently knocking his fist against your chin and presumably turning to leave you and Carmy alone.

As Mikey walked past Carmy he gave him his signature grin and a wink before patting his shoulder as left to check on Donna in the kitchen and mingle with the other guests.

Carmy’s face was still set in the same frown it had been in when he first asked Richie where Mikey ran off to. You took a deep breath to settle your nerves before taking a step to close the gap between you, your hand reached out to gently squeeze Carmy’s arm though stopping in midair as you watched him subtly flinch. Your smile faltered, your hand finding its rightful place at your side. You looked up to see the apology in Carmy’s eyes, you did your best to brush the moment off, maybe you came on too strong, maybe it wasn’t fair that you were still pushing for a friendship when Carmy had given you all the reasons to stop trying, maybe the Carmy in front of you was a different Carmy to the one you used to know. Maybe the life where it was you and Carmy had finally taken its last breath and you were just too clingy and desperate to realize.

You cleared your throat trying to alleviate the lump forming from the thoughts that were racing through your brain. The small placating smile on your face there to stop you from having a full breakdown in the Berzatto’s foyer. “Its good to see you Carmen, I hope New York is treating you well.” You lips wrapped around the generic greeting forcing yourself not to say anything you might regret.

Carmy nodded his head rapidly accepting your lackluster words, his lips parting and closing all in the same breath. The man obviously had nothing to say to you, and maybe you just had to accept that. You stayed a moment longer cursing yourself for doing so as the air between you two filled with palpable tension.

“Baby, is that you? My goodness you look fucking gorgeous.” Half of Donna’s body had popped out of the kitchen finally gaining a spare moment to greet you. Her words mumbled through the cigarette between her lips, a ladle held in her right hand while the left was occupied by tongs. Her apron covered in all sorts of sauces and whatever the hell else your brain couldn’t even begin to discern.

You laughed half in amusement and half in relief, you weren’t sure how much longer you could stand there as Carmy burned holes in your body. You waved at Donna quickly, beginning to head towards her to join her in the kitchen. It wasn’t your first choice as an escape from Carmen but you’d rather try and help Donna finish preparing Christmas dinner than be around Carmy for another minute.

Donna waved the tongs in Carmy’s direction, “Jesus fucking Christ Carmen, take the girls bag and coat. Don’t just fuckin stand there.” She huffed eyes glaring the longer Carmen stayed glued to the spot. You handed him your tote as soon as his arm shot out and began hastily shimmying out of your jacket. You gave him a soft smile before laying the jacket on his awaiting arm.

You began to leave the foyer as Donna motioned for you to follow her, mentally preparing yourself for what you were about to walk into. A sudden thought occurred causing you to gently grip Carmy’s bicep as you were walking past him, “I uh, I actually bought you a Christmas present. So um, find me later yeah?” You smiled tilting your head slightly in questioning.

Carmen Berzatto graced you with a small smile, nodding back in agreement as you sent him one final nod and turned to enter the kitchen. The first positive emotion he granted you since you walked back into his life 30 minutes ago.

next chapter ↣

a/n: this is my first fic that i’m publishing and i genuinely have no clue what the fuck any of this is, : ) but nonetheless hope you all enjoy! or don’t i’m just a stranger on the internet. constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated though. please like, comment, reblog if this behemoth tickles your fancy!

also i write for fun/hobby and i'm such an inconsistent bitch so don't get your hopes too high, but this will potentially be a series idk yet though lol.

[garbinge]

Bad Day

Richie Jerimovich x F!Reader Carmy Berzatto x Platonic!F!Reader

Summary: A bad day made better by Richie.

A/N: First of all... SEASON 2!!! AM I RIGHT!?!?! I have so much inspo now for this little universe of one shots that I’m now realizing is more of a multichap but I’m going to keep going with individually naming them and trying my best to keep them as standalones that fit into a bigger picture. I love this little fanfic universe I’ve created for The Bear and reader and hope y’all keep enjoying <3 

Warnings: All my fics are 18+, despite content. Mentions of abuse, angst, arrests, assaults, and arguments. Alludes to sexual situations nothing too crazy, just light steam. 

Words: 3.5k 

The Bear Taglist: @drabbles-mc @justreblogginfics (Let me know if you’d like to be added!)

Other fics from this universe

Previous Fic: I’m Sorry

“There’s not much in the attic, if you could just search through it and find the box of cards and send it to me, I’d really appreciate it, honey.” 

You stood outside the restaurant with the phone to your ear, leaned against the brick wall as your father asked for you to search for the rare and expensive baseball cards that probably didn’t exist and if they did were covered in mold and dust. The other aspect of this was, the house was yours, for years now at this point. It was just expected that you would keep it, forever. And up until a month ago, that was true. 

“Yea, I’ll look for them, Dad.” You took a deep breath. 

“Thanks hon, the sooner the better.” 

“I’ll look tonight when I get home from the restaurant, Carmy is actually–”

He cut you off. “Perfect, look, I gotta run, but just ring me when you find them, okay?” And with that he hung up, leaving you with your sentence unfinished and no chance to even say goodbye. 

You dropped the phone into your pocket and brought your hands up to your face and rubbed your eyes as you let out a hard breath. You stared across the street at the bench by the bus stop, ironically the last place you saw your Dad the first time he pulled one of his disappearance acts. This whole town was covered in memories like this, you were standing up against one right now that you were about to help make new. After a few more seconds, you brought yourself to walk into the restaurant. 

“Morning!” You called out, taking your coat off and started searching for someone to tell you what was on the renovation agenda today. 

Silence. That was unusual, especially since the door was unlocked. Which was now being opened and a man with a suit and briefcase that you knew as your realtor was walking in. 

“Hey, sorry to barge in, I tried calling you but it went to voicemail and you told me to come here if I ever needed to reach you.” 

“Yea, yea, all good, any news on the spot on Lincoln?” You asked him eagerly. 

“Another offer was made.”

“Okay, that’s fine.” You spoke, it wasn’t news you wanted to hear but you thought you could work with it. “What was the offer, what should we counter?” There was still eagerness in your voice. 

“We don’t.” The realtor spoke, “They offered cash, it’ll clear before we even can send in a counter proposal.” 

“No, I’m going to put my dad’s place on the market, we’ll be able to counter.” You weren’t willing to give up. 

“I’m sorry, but there’s nothing we can do.” He said, now not even looking at you but at his phone as he spoke to you. “Hey, look, I gotta go.” He started to step back towards the door but before he exited he looked up and pointed at you with the hand that had his phone in it, “but if you need help putting that house on the market I’m your guy! I’ll even do a lower commission rate since we’ve worked together previously!” And with that, he was through the door. 

“Jagoff.” You spoke under your breath. 

Carmy walked in thought he front door just as you finished your mumbling. “Who the fuck was that?” He asked you as he walked through the restaurant. 

“My realtor who just came here and gutted me like your restaurant.” Annoyance was in your voice. 

“Spot on Lincoln?” He asked as he walked into the kitchen with you in tow. 

“Yea, sold to someone with a higher offer.” 

“Probably for the better, anyways.” Carmy said in passing like it meant nothing to you as he walked into the fridge leaving you to sit with his comment. 

“Men fucking suck.” You mumbled under your breath as you closed your eyes and let your head fall back. 

“Morning Lizards!” Richies voice boomed from behind you. “Brought you something.” 

Your head turned at that, confused if he was even talking to you. He was. His lengthy arms reached over your shoulder with a coffee in his hand. 

Instinctually you grabbed it out of his hand. “How’d you even know I’d be here?” You asked him once you realized he only had coffee for you and him. 

“You spend all your days off here.” Richie said as he walked past you. 

“How’d you know it’s my day off?” You asked another question as your eyes looked down at the coffee that was your typical order and also from the coffee bar you worked at. 

“You weren’t at The Coffee Bar so I put two and two together, and if you weren’t here you would have been at some point and you drink that shit cold, luke warm, steaming hot, in an IV, doing a keg stand, nothing stops you from funneling coffee.” Richie was now yelling as he went into the office. 

You took a sip out of the to-go cup. The liquid hit the back of your throat and immediately your eyes went wide. “Fuck me.” You were at a loss for words. This was your typical order. Which meant Richie had to have been paying attention at some point to get it right. Standing frozen in the middle of the kitchen, shocked, you took another sip. Despite all the horrible and annoying shit that just happened this made all of that practically non-existent. 

Unfortunately, the feeling was quick to come and quick to go. The rest of the day was filled with frustration and chaos and while that normally wouldn’t be an issue for you, with the added weight of everything this morning it was just too much to handle. You left the restaurant late, thinking maybe the more work that you put in would clear your mind, but it did the opposite, it just let you marinate in them more. As you walked home in what you hoped was the last of the Chicago chill you found yourself walking past your apartment and right into one of your favorite spots. 

It was late, so the diner was quiet, only a few people. You had ordered waffles and coffee, something sweet to end this sour ass day. You were about to cut into the waffle and take your first bite when someone said something that made you close your eyes in defeat. 

“That’s a lot of food little lady.” 

You chose to ignore the comment from the man who was casting a glooming shadow on your table and food. You continued to bring the fork closer to your mouth and again, just before your bite, the voice spoke again. 

“I’m talking to you, miss.” 

You took a deep breath, and kept your eyes closed as you tilted your head to the side just slightly in hopes that maybe he’d walk away. The sound of the man clearing his throat like he had the right to be annoyed is what did it for you. You dropped your fork and it hit the plate causing it to bounce onto the table and then onto the booth but at this point you were standing up now, only inches away from this man. Now that your eyes were open and you could see the guy it made you even madder. You expected it to be some older man trying to be cheeky, but he was probably around your age, which made the whole situation a lot worse. 

“Woman with appetite and attitude, eh?” He said with the biggest grin on his face. 

That was what pushed you over the edge. With no warning, not that one was needed, you grabbed the side of his face and slammed it into your plate. 

“How’s that for appetite and attitude, dickhead?” You said as you leaned down and smushed his face into the syrupy mess. 

The next thing you knew your hands were going from smashing his face to being pulled behind your back and restrained. There was probably more that happened in between, but nothing that you remember. Getting into a cop car wasn’t on your agenda for the night but hey, just the cherry on top of a shitty day. 

You leaned your head against the white brick wall as you held the payphone against your ear. Your eyes were closed as you heard the phone ring a couple times. 

“Yea?” 

Your eyes were already closed, but hearing his voice made you close them even tighter. 

“Can you pick me up?”  You asked with your face scrunched.

You didn’t need to say your name, Richie knew it was you and knew where you were. 

“CPD or Northwestern?” His voice was neutral. 

“CPD.” You turned around so that your back was against the wall versus your head. 

“Fuck.” Richie mumbled. Northwestern was the department that handled smaller charges, minor offenses, Chicago Police Department was a step up from that.  “I’m on my way.” 

As you walked out into the police station you saw Richie standing directly in front of you, in the middle of the lobby. His face was neutral, much like his tone on the phone. You probably looked like shit, disheveled from spending the last two hours in jail. 

“You alright?” He asked as you trekked out with a plastic bag of your belongings.

You nodded and bumped into him as he stood there. “Can you take me home?” He was quick to throw his arm around you and guide you out of the station. 

“Yea, of course. I’m parked out front.” 

Richie opened your door for you before walking over to his side of the car. You turned to look in the backseat and saw Eva’s empty car seat. You let out a deep sigh and moved to look at Richie as he got into the car. 

“Tell me you didn’t have Eva tonight.” 

“What?” He said as he got situated in the car and then looked over his shoulder at what you were talking about. “Oh, nah, I’m taking her to school tomorrow morning.” 

“Fuck, Rich, I’m sorry.” You brought your hand up to your face in shame practically. 

“No, no, it’s fine. I was up.” 

“You’re being too nice to me.” The words just fell out of your mouth. 

Richie let out a laugh. “Too nice?” He asked, confused. 

“Bringing me coffee, bailing me out in the middle of the night.” You listed, and when you said it out loud it hit you that it wasn’t really all that big of a deal. Especially considering that in a way, Richie owed you on the whole bail thing. “It sounds ridiculous saying it out loud.” You laughed, shaking your head. 

The rest of the ride was quiet as he drove back to your apartment. It wasn’t awkward, it was just, quiet. As you pulled up to your apartment, you looked over at Richie, ready to thank him and go upstairs but another set of words came out. 

“Do you wanna come up?” You asked and immediately back tracked. “I mean totally okay if not, I know you gotta pick up Eva in the morning, I don’t want to fuck up your sched–”

“I’ll come up.” 

With that, you nodded. 

You pushed the door to your apartment open, it was heavier than usual and that didn’t go unnoticed by Richie. 

You both stepped into your place and his eyes immediately fell on the boxes which is what was causing issues with the door. 

“You movin’ or some shit?” Richie closed the door as he stared at the boxes. 

“What?” Your face wrinkled in confusion as you moved to the kitchen and grabbed your water pitcher. With two glasses in your hand as you placed them onto your kitchen island, you looked over to Richie who was staring at the boxes. “Oh, no, they’re from my dad’s place. I was planning on selling the house, so I started to clear it out, but now, who the fuck knows, and I gotta look through the boxes for the stupid baseball cards because they might be worth a couple fuckin’ cents and dad’s gotta drink.” You were rambling now. 

“Alright, breath, take a breath.” Richie took a few steps forward so that he was in the kitchen with you now. “What about baseball cards?” 

“My dad called this morning.” You handed Richie a glass of water. “First time in like, I don’t know, a year maybe?” You let out a laugh as your head shook. “Asked me to look for his baseball cards because they’re worth something. It’s like he just expects everything to be in the same place from when he left 15 fuckin’ years ago. But I mean, is he wrong?” You looked up at Richie. “I tried to sell the place, and uh,” you felt your voice crack as you fought back tears, “then he calls, and then the bid on the place on Lincoln falls through, and then I get fuckin’ arrested.” You started to spiral, the tears falling from your face. 

“Hey, hey, hey,” He brought you into a hug, “breathe, breathe, breathe, sweetheart.” 

The minute he brought you in for a hug, the sobs come out. His hand moved up and down your back in an attempt to soothe you. You didn’t know how much time passed by, but you just stood there wrapped in Richie’s embrace as you let everything you bottled up, out. 

Finally, when the tears stopped you pulled away from Richie, wiping any residue from your breakdown away. Richie didn’t step back to give you space, he stood in the same spot, his hand now resting on your arm as your hand covered your mouth. 

“So the spot on Lincoln didn’t work out, you got other options, there’s other spots, I know you got a list,” Richie started to ramble before he realized you weren’t really listening. His eyes moved around when they landed on a plastic cup that had green tape on it. 

2 OJ espresso + Guatemalan Grinds

You were mixing your own coffee blends. Immediately Richie’s eyes lit up. 

“Make your own.” He said, shaking his head and then looking down at you. 

“What?” 

“Make your own, brand that shit and sell it into places, stores, markets, coffee shops.” Richie started naming off places as he stared at you gauging for your response. 

“And restaurants.” You looked up at him, both of your smiles growing on your face. “Richie, you’re fuckin’ brilliant.” 

“It’s your doing.” He pointed to the cup with coffee in it next to the fridge. 

“Citrus Mix.” You let out a chuckle, “I’m still working on it.” 

“Why you gettin’ arrested?” Richie said, changing the subject. 

“I know they read you the charges before you sign the papers.” 

“Yea and that’s why I know it ain’t like you to get locked up for simple assault.” His eyebrows raised. 

“The guy had it coming.” You defended yourself. 

“Yea, they usually do, what I’m saying is that you usually don’t.” Richie’s voice was soft, he wasn’t reprimanding you, but just keeping you real. 

“It’s been a bad day.”  You still gave excuses, not ready to have this conversation. 

“Yea, I heard. Still not putting it together, though.” 

You pulled away from Richie and grabbed the plastic cup he was looking at earlier. Grabbing ice from the freezer and dropping it into the cup, you immediately went to open the fridge and look for the lemonade bottle and sparkling water. You poured the lemonade into the coffee and splashed a little seltzer by holding your thumb at the top of the bottle. Quickly, you pulled the utensil drawer out and grabbed a straw before stirring it three times. 

“Try this.” You said handing him the cup. 

“I just saw you put lemonade into a cup of coffee. I don’t think I want to try that.” He argued, pushing your hand away. 

“Do you trust me?”

Richie didn’t answer the question, he just grabbed the cup. “I’m not drinking from the fuckin’ straw.” He mumbled as he tucked it behind his finger and took a sip. “Fuck me.” His face lit up as he took a sip. 

“And that’s 15 hour stale coffee. Imagine if it was fresh.” You crossed your arms and looked at him. 

“I don’t want you assaulting anyone.” He said contemplating taking another sip of the drink. 

“And I don’t want to be harassed.” You still argued with him. 

“I don’t want to pick you up from CPD, again.” He countered with you. 

“Alright. But you can’t take Northwestern off the table.” You negotiated with him, the slightest smirk filling your face. 

He smiled back at you. “Fine, Northwestern stays on the table.” 

“Isn’t it crazy how you’re still the most reliable person in my life.” You joked back to the night he was last at your place, not long after Mikey’s passing. 

“Still think you need to surround yourself with better company.” 

“I like the company I keep.” You stared at Richie as you spoke. 

“I, uh, can help you look for the cards.” He pointed back to the boxes behind him. 

An exhale left your mouth as you stared at him. “They aren’t going to be in those boxes, they were from my old room, that's why I brought them here. The ones with the cards are probably in the attic.” 

“I can help you go through these, too.” He was staring back at you now. Your heart was beating so loud, you were nervous he could hear it but his was beating so loud he was thinking the same thing. Maybe the noise of your own hearts thumping so fast and hard were echoing in your ears so loud you couldn’t hear the other. You looked at Richie, really looked at him. The scruff on his face, the bags under his blue eyes, his blue fuckin’ eyes. There was a moment where you just got lost in them, thinking about this moment, standing in front of him. Despite your heart growing inside your body begging to explode, you felt calm. You felt safe. You felt seen. He wasn’t just staring at you, he was looking at you, seeing you, hearing you. 

Before your brain could comprehend another thought, it was telling your feet to rise on its toes. And you did. It didn’t gain you much height but Richie’s brain must’ve been telling him to lean down because in seconds your faces were inches then centimeters from each other. 

Your lips brushed against his briefly, which sent a shiver down your spine that was met with warmth as his hand grazed across your back. 

You kissed him. It felt quick, but anything would have felt quick when you wanted nothing else than to spend the next hour kissing Richie. 

“Do you wanna stay?” You whispered against his mouth. 

He nodded, clearly in no mood to waste time talking, his lips took yours and he let his hand get brought up to your face. 

“It’s Thursday.” He said against your mouth like it meant something. “Street cleaning is tomorrow.” 

“Wow, you really know how to set the mood.” You whispered back against his mouth, your arm reaching to rest over his neck. 

He let out a small laugh, the air went against your face as it was exhaled, the smell of coffee and citrus hit you and it mixed with the smell of the cologne you told him you loved the scent of. 

“You have to leave early to drop Eva off at school.” You whispered to him. “You’ll be out of here way before street cleaning.” 

“You got all the answers don’t you.” His voice was raspy as he leaned into you more and pressed one more kiss to your mouth, this one hotter and heavier than any of the last few, he moved you quickly from the kitchen and into the space closer to your bedroom. 

“One condition.” You spoke with your back up against the wall that connected your door to the hinges. 

“Hm.” Richie said as he kissed down your neck. 

“You get me coffee tomorrow morning. Same thing as this morning.” 

He pulled away and his eyebrows flinched close together as he looked at you with his lips rising to a smirk. “You liked what I got you?” He tried to play dumb. 

“You got me my order. You know my order.” You looked at him with your own eyebrows raised. 

“I know a few more things, too.” He went back to kissing your neck, his hand moving into your hair. 

You reached for the door handle of your room and pushed it open, grabbing his shirt and bringing him closer, as if that was even possible, as you ushered into your room. You both turned and you brought your knee up to close the door shut with your foot, not that it really mattered since you two were alone in the apartment. He slammed you up against the door now, which would have closed the door way easier than your foot. You both took a minute to catch your breath as he pinned you against the wall, your one leg now being wrapped around his waist and being held up by his tight grip on your thigh. 

“Show me what you got, Jerimovich.”

[thatone-brightstar]

Heyyyy, been loving your stuff recently! After binging season 2 of ‘the bear’ I’ve noticed I absolutely NEED some platonic fluff with the Reader/OC(fox) and Richie where they just comfort him and tell him he’s worth being alive and he amounts to something because episode one was absolutely heartbreaking😭 and I need something to make me feel better for him, especially after all his great character development this seasonnn!!

Hi! I'm glad you like it!

I also only watched ep1 especially to write this because you are so right- not even five minutes in and they had me in tears with the analogy.

So here you go, for you, for me and anyone else that wanted to hug sad Richie through the screen.

PS. I haven't finished S2 yet so don't fret if it's a bit inaccurate.

**********

Purpose (Richie Jerimovich X Platonic Fem!Reader)

Words: 1.4k

(Part of -but not exclusive to- TB&TF universe)

‘Richie emergency. Need help’

Carmy’s text was pretty ambiguous yet sort of straight forward nonetheless. You expected a second one with a bit more context, but you knew with the whole renovation conundrum it was a miracle he even had the head to write the simple sentences in the first place. Plus, knowing the two for almost close to a year didn’t grant you any solace, because a Richie emergency could be either something small like a disagreement or more serious like having to bail someone out of jail. 

The memory doesn’t settle too well in your stomach and your strides grow quicker over the snow covered gravel that invades the space beside the restaurant.

The warmth engulfs you fully once you cross the back, scarf and beanie now unnecessary in the comfortable building. As you make your way to the office, you greet Manny and Angel with a soft pat on the back- so as to not distract them from their tasks- and unwrap the wool fabric from your neck, dropping it over the small bench by the lockers on your way in.

You can hear a soft conversation emanating from the small room, voices matching those of Carmy and Natalie once you’re close enough to the entrance to see them, and they you.

“Hey-” You greet with short breath, stepping into the room and planting a quick kiss on your boyfriend’s cheek, then leaning down to hug Natalie, who’s sitting on the squeaky old chair that just doesn’t seem to break yet. “I brought my mom’s first aid, what’s the emergency?”

“Why?” Carmy asks, confused.

“Well, you just said ‘emergency’ and I thought someone got stabbed again.” You respond confidently, raising the plastic case into view and shaking it lightly.

Carmy huffs out a small laugh while Nat’s expression is one of concern, mumbling a confused ‘again?’ under her breath.

“What? No- everyone’s limbs are good- I think-” He takes the kit from your hands and places it on the desk behind him. “Listen- Richie’s kinda not his usual self right now.”

“And that’s… bad.” You squint your eyes and tilt your head as you try to process his line of thought.

“I’m still debating it-” Nat kicks his foot softly at his answer, shooting him a look that you’d very much use with your younger brother too. “Okay- no but kinda. D’you think you can, like talk to him, maybe-please?”

A heavy sigh escapes as you cross your arms and lean back against the door frame, eyes flicking between the Berzattos. “What d’you even want me to say to him, it's Richie- he’s not the most open book here…”

“No, but you are pretty convincing-” Nat adds. “Something about the face…”

You scoff and shake your head.

“C’mon, babe please? He likes you… and you’re better at this sort of thing than us.”

You bite the inside of your lip in scrutiny for a few seconds, then uncross your arms and push yourself off. “Where is he?” In sync, their arms raise with a pointed finger in direction to the front of house and the slight smile playing over Nat’s face has you rolling your eyes. “There’s a hole on your wall- by the way.” You tell them, pointing loosely to your left, before disappearing again down the corridor.

Richie’s exactly where they said, behind the now empty counter, with small pieces of tape hanging from the tips of his fingers and eyes deeply concentrated on something on the bar. He looks up for a second when your shadow obscures his view and gives you a single nod. You place your forearms over the slightly dusty counter and rest your chin above your hands, trying to be as quiet as possible while he struggles to tape down the hole in the center of an old poster.

“It’s easier if you tape it from the back-” 

“I know how to fix a fuckin’ poster, alright?”

“-Okay” You say defensively.

“I know how to do things- I’m not some fuckin’ useless moron…” He says under his breath and the wounded expression that slips from the veil furrows your brows.

“No one said you were, Rich.”

“Good, cause I’m not.” His eyes flicker up again, expecting a taunting look on your face that didn’t correlate to your words, but found nothing more than your undivided attention. “What’re you doing here anyway? Kindergarten let you out early?” 

You’re shoulders shake with a short laugh and a thin smile pulls at his lip at your reaction.

“Just wanted to say hi, see how everyone’s doing…” You shrug, looking around the half packed room and to the newspaper covered windows that give the place a somber feel. “The place looks shitty...er.”

“Yeah- but your boyfriend’s got it all under control-” His tone is slightly irritated as he angrily pulls at the tape that’s beginning to stick to his skin. “Syd and Nat got it all under control- I don’t even know why I’m still here.”

“Cause we all need you here.” Richie’s eyes turn to you with a sheer hope that he tries to hide with a humorless scoff.

“For what? To be the butt of the joke?” He clears his throat and shakes his head, looking back down and picking mindlessly at the tape. “Nah, they don’t need me here. This is Carmy’s thing- like painting’s yours and all the gay- sorry, fruity- desserts are Marcus’ thing… I ain’t got a thing.” 

“Course you do.” You answer like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “You know more about this place than any of us- Carmy included. Plus, who else is gonna keep him in check when he goes off on a tangent?”

“You.” He shrugs.

“But I’m not always gonna be here-”

“You’re breakin’ up again?”

“What? No-” You sigh and reach a hand to your hair, before remembering all the dust over your palm and putting it back down instead. “I meant… that these guys need someone to look out for them. Yeah, this-” You move your hand around the space. “is Carmy’s and Syd’s and Nat’s thing but, it’s also yours too.”

He keeps his gaze focused on his hands, but you can slightly see the tint starting to cover the edge of his baggy eyes. He’s quiet for a while, soaking up your words and letting them settle in his head beside the dark thoughts that you know a bit too well.

“Then what? What're they gonna do with me when they don’t need me anymore?” He speaks again with a hoarse voice, harshly sniffing back and raising his head to the ceiling. “They're the only family I got. Mickey’s gone- you took Carmy.” He points loosely to you and an amused blow leaves your nose. “This place… shithole n’ all, it’s all I got. And now it’s gonna be gone too. Where am I gonna fit in the new place?”

“It’s not gonna be gone if… you keep the memory with you.” You smile warmly up at the man and slowly reach out to press the tiny pieces of sticky plastic already popping off the poster. “And the guys are gonna be the talent, but the new place is still gonna need a soul.”

Richie nods slowly, brows creased as if not fully convinced. He opens his mouth but nothing comes out, doubting whether to ask.

“...I’m the soul, right?”

“You’re the soul.” You respond between laughs, with a shake of your head and Richie joins in timidly.

Your brows rise as your eyes land on the messy scribbling over an empty pizza box discarded beside you. You pull it closer in hopes that the writing will make more sense, but all you can make out is a few words and sums that are definitely not being added correctly.

“30k plus 50k equals 70k…who made these?” You ask Richie.

He leans down, eyes squinted and trying to read through. “I think those are Carmy’s chicken scratchings…”

You copy his stance and squint your own eyes in hopes to make out the words, then bite your lip to stop the small giggle when you read through the operations. Two or three sums are crossed out with another sitting beside it, underlined twice to confirm that it’s the correct one, though it’s just as wrong as the other two.

“Oh, my poor man…” You sigh in amusement and turn to his cousin. “See? Tangent.”

**********

[freshbakedbreadstick]

No. 1 Party Anthem - Mikey Berzatto x F!Reader - Chapter Ten/FINALE

Past!Mikey Berzatto x F!Reader

Carmy Berzatto x F!Platonic!Reader

Richie Jerimovich x F!Platonic!Reader

Summary: Every single time you were reminded of Mikey, you fled. But this time… you didn’t.

Warnings:  All my fics are 18+ regardless of the content. Heavy spoilers for season 1. Beginning flashback includes sexual activity; breast groping/worship, grinding, quickie that doesn’t happen but comes close to, fingering, reader has a vagina and wants to use it. Mentions of grief, angst, strained relationships, bad coping mechanisms, mental health issues, financial talk. 

Word Count: 3k

A/N: Besties . . . the finale has arrived . Added a little smut flashback as i wanted to showcase more of Reader and Mikey’s dynamic before they passed .  I sweat it is relevant to the plot ! ! 1 ! Anyways im SO psyched for season 3 ! No spoilers though ! As always besties , i hope you all enjoy this last chapter before i continue the next part of the series . Im debating ending it here and not continuing the season 2 series depending on what u all think ! Either way , im happy to make more works (both within and out of this universe) especially now that we have a new season of delicious content . I love u all, have a wonderful day ! (:

Taglist: @marysucks-blog @shinebright2000 @jadeittic @eternallyvenus @jackierose902109

Masterlist

Your teeth caught the skin of your bottom lip, gnawing on the already stinging flesh there as your shaky hands rearranged the bouquet of flowers on the dining table for the 9th time that night. Your fingers shook, skimming over the carefully chosen tablecloth to the empty plates that you adjusted and the silverware that you proceeded to reshine.

It was family meal night and you were worried.

From the kitchen, the smell of roasted garlic and fresh braciole wafted throughout the small apartment, invading your senses as you huffed over the decorations and the presentation of the dining table. 

A head pokes out of the kitchen and through the doorway into the living room to look at you, a growing teasing smile on their face as they watched you flitter over the supposedly crooked plates. 

“Baby, you’re still going at it?”

You whipped your whole body around, wielding the fork you were shining against your chest with wide eyes like a child who got caught with a stolen cookie from the cookie jar. 

His laugh echoed in the apartment, filling the air with the rumbling sound and drowning out the noise of the soft jazz coming from the speakers in the kitchen and living room. 

“Jesus, put the goddamn towel down!”

Your shock melts away, replaced with a loving annoyance that only Mikey could make you feel and appreciate. 

“I swear it was still dirty!”

You turned away, placing the fork carefully down onto its place aside the dinner fork. The fork was then gently nudged to try and match the entire set up perfectly. 

Mikey’s voice echoes from the kitchen as you narrowed your eyes, glaring at the fork that just wouldn’t sit straight, “You're gonna go cross eyed fixing everything for the 200th time in a row.”

But you ignored him, opting to lean over the table and continue to hit the fork with the very tip of your finger, nudging it milimeters to the left and then to the right, but not quite getting it to sit right smack in the middle.

Having grown up around the Berzattos, family meal night became a tradition for you too. Once you became an adult and got your own place, the tradition continued. It was a no brainer for you that this tradition will continue to happen once you and Mikey moved into your own place together.

Well today was that day and boy were you so nervous.

In the kitchen, Mikey poured the finished spaghetti into the ceramic tray you excitedly unpacked and showed him earlier that day, the beautiful hand painted designs on the sides showcasing vines that weaved around it. You claimed it was the most perfect tray to serve family dinner spaghetti in, and Mikey couldn’t help but agree. 

He always seemed to agree when you had that giddy smile on your face.

He gently brushed a bit of the sauce that found its way onto the rim of the tray with his thumb before bringing it up to his lips, sucking the sauce off of it gently. He hummed, satisfied with the sweet and savory taste of the tomatoes and garlic mashing together with the basil. 

With a small sigh, he grabbed the tray and opened the oven, carefully placing it beside all the other food you had prepared together for dinner. He then shut the oven door, humming along with the jazz that played as he left the dishes to keep warm. He then eyed the clock on the wall behind him, seeing that it was about 10 minutes before the guests of the night would arrive.

His large frame stepped away from the kitchen and back to the doorway, listening and watching you bend over the table, growling curses under your breath as the fork refused to straighten out. 

Mikey smirked, moving closer with silent footsteps. He approached you as carefully as possible, slowly adjusting himself so that his hands were hovering over your hips, ready to pounce at the right second. 

Right as you huffed one last time, Mikey clamped his hands on each side of your hips, gripping them tightly as he pressed his body up against your own. You screeched, body jerking forward with his movement and consequently jerking the table and making all your careful table set ups askew with a loud clang.

“Michael Berzatto!” You yelled, voice shrill. 

Mikey just laughed as your body tried to wrestle out of his grip, jerking this way and that. His body was just too strong, overpowering you with his grip as he held you flush against him. He growled playfully under his breath, feeling you inadvertently grind yourself against him. 

 “Sweetheart, you know what you’re doing?” His voice was deep and gravely as he said this, making you still and blush. 

You two were in a honeymoon phase once again now that you got your own place together. The excitement of entering a new phase in your life sent you two in a frenzy of warm, fuzzy emotions… and admittedly hot and shiver inducing emotions too. 

Now that you were frozen in place, Mikey took the opportunity to run his hands up and down your body, feeling the soft fabric of what you wore caress your skin as he ran across it.

“You know… I don’t think we have found the time to christen this new table…” he murmured, lips breathing hot breath right by your ear. 

You shivered, goosebumps running across your skin in an instant. It really did feel like you two were stupid, emotion riddled teenagers again.

“Baby,” your voice came out whinier than you would’ve liked, making you swallow roughly before continuing, “Everyone will be here in a couple minutes and i gotta fix the table-”

You were interrupted with Mikey’s soft shushes as well as the feeling of his hands wandering under your clothes, touch so gentle it was almost unnoticeable if it weren’t for the feel of your clothes getting wrinkled as he pushed them aside.

“I promise i’ll be quick… please baby…” he whispered, pressing a sweet kiss to your ear after. Your self restraint was already wearing thin, and it didn’t help that his hands moved up to grope your breasts. 

His attention was fully on your body now, large, rough hands moving to gently squeeze with your breasts, panting softly as he felt you unconsciously beginning to move your hips against him. 

You couldn’t pretend that the feeling of him didn’t do anything to you. In an instant, you desperately wanted him against you, to touch and tease you in all the ways you loved. But even through a hazy mind, you knew that you didn’t exactly have time to spare. 

Plus, you weren’t sure you could sit through a dinner with his siblings with the memory of what you did on the table freshly on your mind.

“Mikey!” You stuttered, feeling his calloused fingers graze your nipple, making you jump with the way they came to gently pinch them.

All he could do was laugh at your reaction, hips pinning you against the table. 

His hands moved to grip your breasts, warm hands caressing your skin as he gently maneuvered you to bend over the table.

“Please… I'm beggin here babe… just real quick…” he whispered, voice cracking as he spoke. 

Shivering, you were just about ready to give in. You could avoid Sugar’s eyes as she places a vase of flowers on the table, you could tune out when Richie inevitably knocked on the wood and said it was a ‘sturdy table’... right?

As you were rationalizing in your head, you missed the way Mikey slid his hands back, leaving you bent over the table. It was the jingle of his belt buckle that brought you back, the metal clang echoing in the room, the soft jazz music long forgotten. 

“R-real quick? I don’t know…” you breathed out, heart thumping in your ears as you clenched your thighs together. 

You then looked over your shoulder at Mikey. Big mistake.

His pupils were blown wide, making the brown in his eyes look almost black. His eyes were trained on yours, unabashedly staring as he began to pull the zipper to his pants down. He yanked his shirt up a bit, exposing a small peak of the v line of his hips. It was enough to make you gasp and throw all inhibitions out the window.

You didn’t object when one of his hands dipped below his boxers, the other quickly coming to your clothes. As a matter of fact, you actually began to help him, pulling fabric off and away for him. 

He chuckled deeply, ripping his eyes off of yours as he watched you spread your legs. He continued to watch as you arched, whining softly as you exposed the uncomfortable hot and wet heat between your legs. 

You could feel yourself clench against nothing as his free hand began to slide down the skin of your ass cheek and between your legs, thick fingers gently sliding down to gather the wetness on his fingers. They gently circled your aching clit, rubbing smooth, tight circles around it in a way that made your eyes roll to the back of your head.

He growled softly, a grin forming on his face as he watched you lower your head on the table, whining and panting as your eyes shifted in and out of focus. You weren’t even sure what you were looking at anymore, focused on the feeling of his fingers gently teasing around your entrance, enjoying the way your body reacted by gushing out a bit and clenching around nothing.

He moved his hand away from his throbbing cock, using both to grip your back hips up after he noticed your knees slowly making you sag before bringing his thumbs down to spread your outer lips, the cool air making you hiss as it hit the warm slickness.

“What a pretty cunt…” he murmured, eyes trained on your most sensitive spot. 

You just whined in response, brain fogged with lust. 

“Don’t worry baby, i’ll make you cream around my cock real soon…” with that, one of his hands moved away to grab the elastic of his boxers.

But right as he was about to yank it down, the doorbell rang. 

The noise made you both freeze, but it was the knocking that made you both scramble.

“Fucking cockblocks,” he grumbled, making you shush him as you quickly stood up and fixed your clothes.

You just about tripped as the blood rushed to your head. You stood up straight way too fast, stumbling for a brief second before regaining your balance. 

You turned to Mikey, about to tell him to answer the door when you were greeted by the sight of your large boyfriend with his wet fingers now in his mouth, and a giant tent sticking out from his boxers.

“Jesus Christ Mikey! Go fix yourself up!” you hissed, watching him laugh around his fingers. 

“A good chef always has to taste his food!” he said, rushing off to the bathroom right as you grabbed a towel and chucked it at him. 

You could barely fix the table and your clothes before the doorbell rang again, more urgently this time. You rushed to the door, tripping over the rug with a heaving chest. 

Behind it, you could hear Richie and Natalie bicking about knocking on the door and being patient. You quickly yanked the door open, forcing a smile on your lips.

“Hiiiiiii!!!” your and Sugar’s voice melted together, both of you grinning anxiously at each other over what you were doing just moments before. 

Sugar hoped you didn’t hear the steadily growing argument between her and Richie about patience, meanwhile you prayed to every god that existed that none of them could figure out what you were doing seconds prior. 

“Oh my gosh your new place looks amazing!” Natalie gushed, moving to hug you and present the vase of gorgeous flowers she had in her arms.

You quickly cleared your throat, “I know, it’s a miracle we were able to secure it before someone else snatched it up.”

“Hi, hi… place is really nice…” Richie said, smiling softly as he hugged you before crossing the threshold to join Natalie. 

Carmy was the last to go in, pausing to analyze your with those big blue eyes of his for a second before hugging you. 

“Might wanna fix your hair…” he murmured softly, pulling away to go inside.

Dread hit you in an instant. You rushed inside to look in the mirror beside the door, grateful for your choice to place one there. Sure enough, there it stuck out in some places. How the hell it got like that, you didn’t know, but it was close enough to probably look like sex hair.

Mortified, you fixed it before slamming the door shut and turning to the three as they looked around, analyzing the place.

Before you could say anything, Richie rounded the corner with a shit eating grin, “Glad you could all make it to the new place!”

He stared at you as he hugged Sugar, making your eye twitch as you stared at him. 

After saying his hellos, he clapped his hands, “Let’s have some dinner at the sturdy new table we got!”

That first family meal night you and Mikey had in your apartment, you had to change your outfit twice. Once because while you were opening the cans of San Marzano tomatoes, you splashed your shirt with the sauce and the second time because Mikey thought it would be cute to spoon feed you a bit of the tiramisu you made for desert, only to drop cocoa all down your front. 

The entire a cherished memory, that night. And while before the thought would send you into a sobbing episode, today it actually made you smile. 

Probably because while you opened the same cans you were familiar with, you were yanking out wads of cash while you did so. 

But you liked to think it was also because you processed some of the grief too. 

It was cathartic, gently opening the cans open with the can opener only to dig your fingers in to pull a wad of cellophane covered money out, eyes wide and lips parted as you took in sharp inhales of air. 

Tomato sauce was splashed against you in the same way it did on the first family meal night, but this time you didn’t care. You wore that splash proudly as you laughed with everyone, making jokes as you all joined Carmy in opening cans.

Richie stood next to you, gently bringing up a cup of water to your lips and tilting it so you could get a drink as Marcus made a joke about him. You laughed into the cup of water, making it spill a bit as Richie grinned. 

Sydney’s voice made you turn to look at her, eyes wide as she stared at you all.

But you couldn't help but stop and stare at the way her eyes locked with Carmy’s, the two of them exchanging a deep both verbal and silent conversation as everyone else got back to work. 

A small smile spread across your lips, making your heart wrench as you watched them.

You were washing your hands, grinning with Tina before you moved to grab a paper towel. You had long since shed your messy apron and were going to change in the office. Lucky for you, the unconscious habit of packing an extra pair of clothes incase you dirtied your first pair never died, having been drilled into you by Mikey when he first started working at The Beef. 

You swung the office door open, tote bag on your shoulder, as you were greeted by the sight of Carmy, hand raised and about to knock on the door. You jumped a bit, not expecting to see him, but calmed down once again.

“Chef,” he said, quietly.

Nodding you looked at him. 

“I uhm… wanted you to do the honors.”

You could only tilt your head to the side as he gently guided you back into the office and to sit in the chair. 

The wood of the desk was familiar, the location of many angry note writings, anxious calculations, even quickies. But today, it was the location of something different.

With the paper side of the foil up, your careful hand wrapped around a sharpie and wrote down the words Carmy wanted you to write. 

You then watched from the doorway of the kitchen as Carmy marched up to the front windows, carefully sticking the food foil to the window, formally announcing the plan.

He turned to look at you, careful eyes watching you swallow and blink back the wateriness from your eyes. Carefully, his hands moved to your shoulders and guided you to the dining room, where everyone else was excitedly and eagerly serving themselves food. 

You were sat next to him, watching as he made a plate, placing down the consciously served food in front of you. When you looked up, you were greeted by the sight of Natalie giving you a knowing look. All you could do was look back down, avoiding another wave of tears.

But you couldn’t.

Yet no one minded.

No one minded as you brought the fork of spaghetti to your mouth, tears rushing out the instant you savored the flavor you longed for. No one minded as you sobbed to yourself, eating faster and faster, the flavor that was uniquely associated with Mikey making your heart pound and your walls break down. 

The scent of cigarettes, musky vanilla cologne, and sweat invaded your senses, despite it not being there. But for a split second you closed your eyes and let yourself pretend it was. 

You placed your fork back onto your plate, squeezing your eyes shut as you wept. The sound of everyone laughing and talking drowned the fear out, quelling that fleeting feeling that would overwhelm you since the day you found out that Mikey was gone.

But it was the feel of Carmy’s warm, rough hand gently slipping into your own that made you finally open your eyes, to be greeted by the faces of Natalie across from you and Richie down the table with soft smiles. 

After ages of fighting it, you let yourself feel it again. 

You were home.

[augiewrites]

"end of beginning" - richie jerimovich

summary: y/n struggles against the ghost of who they used to be (inspired by djo's end of beginning)

pairing: richie jerimovich x reader + platonic carmy x reader

word count: 1.1k

continuation of scott street | next

“So you came back just to gentrify the city?” Richie had a smile on his face, but Y/N saw through it. The man didn’t handle change well, and they knew he hated looking around the place he grew up and realizing that nearly everything looked different.

Y/N hated it too, but they knew change was inevitable. Most times it was easier to just accept it, move on, and eventually forget the way things used to be. Some things were more difficult to forget than others, though. “It’s just a coffee shop,” Y/N fought hard to not slip into old, aggressive habits, but it was difficult when it came to dealing with Richie. “And not some corporate bullshit—locally owned, sourced, all that ethical junk.”

He scoffed, “Ain’t it enough that you’re renovating that building? Probably skyrocket rent, force people out, bring in the rich. The hell are you here for, anyway?”

“People were paying way too much for that shithole in the first place. I’m just making it liveable.” Y/N knew it was worthless to fight with him, they might as well be throwing punches at a brick wall. “I’m here to see Carmy. Talk business.”

“You’re roping him into this shit now!? Kid’s brain is already always five seconds away from blowing up.” He cut himself off to give a grandiose greeting to one of the regulars and pass a sandwich to another. “She’s just using Carmy as an excuse to come see me, Jerry,” he playfully whapped the customer’s arm, “I’m irresistible.”

“You’re an unfortunate fixture of this place,” Y/N tossed over their shoulder, walking away toward the little office in the kitchen. There was probably a level of truth to what he was saying, but Y/N would never admit that to him—or themself—in a million years. Chicago reminded them of a version of themself that took a lot of work to leave in the past. People may change as they grow, but the person they used to be never really dies. It just lays dormant, buried deep within until something wakes it up.

Carmy’s hand momentarily clapping them on the shoulder saved them from the downward spiral of introspection. “Sorry, this place is a mess.” He scrambled to move a stack of papers off the spare chair, sitting them on the desk and nearly causing an avalanche. Y/N sat down before he could tell them to. “He bother you? What’s up?”

Y/N suddenly felt bad for taking up Carmy’s offer to go over their business proposal. He barely spared them a glance as he shuffled through papers and periodically rubbed his forehead.

“He always bothers me—I can handle him.” Carmy scoffed, mumbling “sure you can” as he inspected an invoice hopefully before shoving it back into a folder.

“Is this a bad time? I can go if you’re too busy.” Y/N knew their offer was futile—it was always a bad time and Carmy was always busy. He snapped out of his search and gave Y/N an apologetic look. “No, no, I got time. Sorry, I just—”

“I get it, Carm. No need to apologize.”

“Yeah, yeah, right,” Carmy rubbed his eyes and gave Y/N a quick once-over before giving them a quick smile, “I guess, uh, if anyone gets it, it would be you.”

Y/N held Carmy’s gaze, but they didn’t break the silence. They knew that Carmy had more to say, and the only way to ensure that he’d say it was to leave the ball in his court.

“Some days I feel like my head’s ‘bout to explode,” the ghost of a sad smile was on his face, “but I’d rather keep busy than think too deeply into things.”

The manila envelope in Y/N’s hands mocked them along with Carmy’s words. They both knew Y/N was sinking on the same boat. Y/N could easily deflect by giving him some bullshit advice, but it would just be hypocrisy. The pair fell into a beat of silence as Y/N looked at the floor, contemplating their next steps.

“When I first moved away, I hated coming back to visit. Seeing all the places I used to hang out, the people I used to be close with…” Y/N trailed off for a moment before locking eyes with Carmy, “so I just stopped coming back. Pretended to be someone I’m not in a place I’m not sure I even belonged in. I thought I had changed, but being here just makes me realize that I’m the same person I always was. The same person I’ll probably always be.”

Carmy was softly nodding his head when Y/N continued in a much smaller voice, “I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing, but it is what it is. Might as well keep going until I can’t anymore.”

He furrowed his brows, frowning a bit, “sorry for making you come here. I know it’s not eas—”

“Jesus, Carmy, quit apologizing.” He wasn’t wrong, though. Y/N felt antsy at the restaurant. There were too many memories in that place—both good and bad—and Richie was a very loud reminder of their past. “If I didn’t want to put up with him—with all of it—I would just not come. Can’t hide forever.”

He made to say more, but was interrupted by a loud “yo!” as Richie’s lanky frame entered the room. “My ears are ringing,” he gently shoved Y/N’s shoulder with the back of his hand, “talking shit?”

“On you? Always.” Y/N wasn’t lying when they said they were fine being around Richie. The man’s presence brought a confusing mixture of anxiety, anger, and comfort. There’s no fool like an old fool—whatever that means.

Y/N fell into their own thoughts as the two men argued about the front of house coverage. They were pulled back into reality when they heard Tina yelling for Carmy in the kitchen. Y/N didn’t realize they were staring at Richie until Carmy passed in front of him to leave. Richie furrowed his brow as he looked back at Y/N.

“You good? You look like shit—got that thousand yard stare.”

“I’m fine.” The pair slipped into a staring competition. This wasn’t a conversation Y/N wanted to have, and they could feel him inspecting the darkening circles under their eyes and their frizzy hair.

He broke the silence, “what are we?”

“I know you’re not asking me this question right now,” Y/N sputtered.

“I mean, we’re friends, right?” Richie gestured vaguely between them, and the scattered mess of thoughts Y/N had been having for the past few months dropped on their head like a bucket of cold water.

“I don’t know, Richie.”

His head bobbed as he turned to the doorway, offering Y/N nothing in response but a mumbled “right.” He didn’t look back, and Y/N didn’t follow.

Y/N wasn’t sure if they knew the answer to that question back when they were together, and they sure as hell didn’t know the answer now.

~~~

part three

[spxllcxstxr]

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[etherealising]

chapter three | lavender vanilla

↢ previous chapter | next chapter ↣

pairings: platonic!mikey berzatto x fem!reader | carmen berzatto x fem!reader | platonic!richie jerimovich x fem!reader

summary: christmas dinner commences, you and carmy put your differences aside for a night.

warnings: language | angst | fluff | mentions of cancer | mentions of death | lee’s geriatric ass | carmy trying his best | donna’s mental health | talk of drug abuse | let me know if i missed anything please!!!

wc: 6.9k

The sound of laughter could be heard through the door of Donna’s bedroom. The two women occupying it caught up with each other like no time had passed at all. You were laying down on the end of Donna’s bed, elbow propped up so your hand could hold your head up. Tiff laying in front of you sitting up slightly from you adjusting her pillows when you had first made an appearance in the room.

“Wait so Richie actually blew up your mom’s microwave?” The words coming out between the laughs that had been wracking Tiffany’s body. Eyes glistening with unshed tears as she listened to your account of the story.

You sat up rapidly head nodding to confirm Tiff’s question, “Exactly, Mikey volunteered to pick my mom and I up from her chemo appointment, and Richie bless his soul was trying to make dinner for us.” You paused as you couldn’t stop giggling at the memory, “He couldn’t find any plates, so he put fucking foil in the microwave, and by the time we got home the house was full of smoke and there were scorch marks on the wall.” You couldn’t help but to lean over clenching your stomach at the belly aching laugh the memory induced. Tiff doing no better hand gently cradling her bump as she tried to catch her breath.

Finally getting enough air into her lungs Tiff spoke up, “Wha-What did your mom do?” She searched your eyes waiting to hear your explanation. Your own laughter had finally settled down allowing you to finish your story, “Absolutely nothing! My mom was so sweet on Richie he could’ve burnt the house down and she would’ve thanked him for it!” The laughter in the room took over once again as the two of you imagined how much your mom’s little crush inflated Richie’s ego.

The two of you had finally calmed down sitting in the ambience that a memory from your younger years left behind. Tiff did her best to sit up, careful not to move too quickly in case it induced a bout of nausea. Her hands reached out gently clasping yours in her embrace, “I’m sorry she couldn’t be here with us today.” The slight squeeze she sent your hands conveying the raw emotion she felt, the small sad smile gracing her lips doing their best to comfort you.

You nodded, sending your own small smile her way, eyes quickly leaving hers to dart around the room, not comfortable enough to see the earnestness in her blue eyes. You cleared your throat trying to ground yourself, “Ahem, yeah…yeah it's a little weird, first Christmas without her and everything.” You let out a pathetic little laugh doing your best to not let the gloomy feeling settle over the room.

You squeezed Tiff’s hands back finally finding her eyes again, “Speaking of, she actually made something for you-well for the baby actually.” You motioned to Tiff’s stomach trying to move the conversation along to something much more light-hearted. “I’ll just go get it yeah, I want you and Richie to open it together.” Tiff nodded eyes misting at your mom’s selflessness in what must have been a debilitating time for her.

Smiling at Tiff one last time you quickly got up to make your way downstairs to where Carmy had hang your coat and bag. You made your way down stairs laughter and loud voices coming from the direction of the living room. You made it to the closet where your belongings were quickly grabbing your keys out of your tote bag you debated slipping your coat on before ultimately deciding it wouldn’t be necessary. You could hear Mikey’s voice as you made your way out the door, he and Richie recounting one of their many tales. You quickly slipped through the door making sure it closed behind you as to not let any cold air in.

Rushing to your car you popped the trunk reaching for the Christmas themed gift bag. You reached up to shut your trunk wanting to hurry and get back inside when your eyes landed on the large matte black box sitting in your trunk. A matching black bow and envelope atop of it, the white ink that spelled out Carmy’s name glaring back at you.

You let go of the trunk letting out an exasperated sigh. You hand planned on personally giving him the gift and watching as he opened it, wanting to see his reaction. But as your brain thought about the argument you had with him earlier, that hope quickly dwindled. You sat the gift bag on top of the box before reaching to pick up the box itself, shutting your trunk and locking your car. The sound of another car door closing caught your attention, Pete making his way towards you from across the street, hand going up in a little wave to greet you. You smiled racing your hand holding your car keys to return his greeting.

Deciding to wait for him so you could walk in together, your eyes took in the aluminum tray grasped in his hands, “Oh shit.” The expletive left your lips as Pete finally took his place by your side, his wide goofy grin drawing your eyes, he balanced the tray in one hand to give you a side hug that you willingly leaned into. “Baby you look great! How’ve you been?” You smiled, seeing Pete before re-entering the house was like a breath of fresh air. The two of you began your trek up the sidewalk.

“Doing my best Pete. Um what cha got in your hands there?” Your head nodding to the tray held in his hands. Pete followed your vision before smiling back at you “Tuna casserole! Couldn’t come empty handed you know.” Pete’s happy go lucky energy bringing a small smile to your face, the two of you stopped before entering the house. You adjusted the box in your hands, free hand reaching out to gently squeeze Pete’s bicep.

“Oh you poor kind soul, they’re gonna fuck you up in there.” The words cause Pete’s smile to falter as you send him a toothy one of your own before walking through the door and holding it open for Pete to walk through. As you both walked through the front entrance you caught the tail end of what sounded to have been a hostile conversation, Pete stealing the show by making his presence known. You had half the mind to leave Pete to defend himself, but a part of you would’ve felt bad for letting someone as sweet as Pete take the heat alone. You walked around Pete sitting on the arm of the chair Mikey was sitting in, his arm going to wrap around your waist unconsciously.

“You know it’s seven fishes, right Pete?” Mikey’s question drew the rest of the room's attention to the tray Pete was still happily holding. The room burst with voices as almost everyone took turns berating Pete. You leaned back slightly so you weren’t blocking Mikey’s view before turning your head in Richie’s direction hoping to gain his attention.

You reached behind Mikey’s back to pinch Richie’s arm his eyebrows shooting up an offended look on his features as his head turned to you, “What the fuck was that for Baby? Pete’s the one with the eighth fish.” You rolled your eyes hand grabbing the gift bag from its place on the box, maneuvering around Mikey’s imposing body before handing it off to Richie, “Merry Christmas Richie, its for you and Tiff so don’t open it without her,” You scolded raising your eyebrows to further cement your message. “It's from mom, she um, she didn’t get to finish it so I apologize if my knitting skills didn’t do it justice.” The last part quickly added on in a joking tone as you noticed Richie’s eyes taking on a solemn look to them.

He gently grabbed the gift bag out of your hand, a slight nod sent in your direction as he gave your hand a comforting squeeze. “Thank you Baby, means a lot.” You smiled back quickly, turning back to the conversation, not wanting to get caught up in any more unwanted emotions.

Carmy’s voice breaking through the onslaught of shit Pete was getting, “Hey, family. Come on, let’s sit. Okay dinner’s ready, alright.” Your eyes connected with his baby blues as you subtly tried to adjust the envelope sitting on the box so the bow could hide the recipient’s name. Your gaze was snatched away from Carmy as your attention was directed to Mikey who was whispering in your ear. Carmy did his best not to let the sight bother him, Mikey drilling his ass in the pantry earlier about what he accused the two of you of. It was hard not to though when you had so comfortably leaned into Mikey’s body whispering your own secret back into his ear, the sight of Mikey’s thumb rubbing gentle circles in the material of your shirt that was covering your waist causing Carmy’s head to spin, quickly removing his attention to Pete to ease his insecurities.

You hadn’t noticed Carmy’s eyes glued to you as you exchanged hushed whispers with Mikey, “What the fuck did you end up buying him?” Mikey’s words caressed your lips as his free hand tapped against the present sitting in your lap. You followed his hands before whispering back to him, “Something that I’m not even sure was worth saving up like 10 paychecks for this shit.” You scoffed feeling a bit miffed about the present since you and Carmy were still on uncertain terms. Mikey nodded a smile gracing his lips as he softly bumped his head into yours, “He’ll appreciate it Baby, I know he will.” You sent him a hopeful smile, you may have been annoyed with the youngest Berzatto and his antics, but you really did want him to like the gift.

“Yo Baby, Baby.” Your eyes found Carmy’s as he called for your attention, “What is that? What the fuck is Pete holding?” You quickly looked at Pete feeling bad that he was on trial before finding Carmy’s eyes again, a small smile finding your lips as you sent a shrug in his direction, not wanting to be the one to rat Pete’s good intentions out.

Carmy modded lips pursing as he wiped his hands down his face as he turned his attention to Steve knowing he’d give him a straight answer, “You’re gonna be upset, but his heart was in the right place, Carm. It’s a tuna casserole.” The slight flush you could see creeping up Carmy’s neck indicating the toll this mishap was taking on him.

You leaned into Mikey more, settling into a more comfortable position as you drowned out the rest of Pete’s trial. You were ready for the day to be over and you hadn’t even eaten dinner yet, you could feel your eyes slowly drifting shut as Mikey’s warm body pressed into your side, each rise and fall of his broad chest pulling you into the purgatory before sleep and consciousness.

The sound of Sugar’s voice jumping onto the tuna casserole bandwagon roused you from the little peacefulness you were beginning to find. You watched with drowsy eyes as she snatched the dish from his hands presumably disposing of it, you softly pat Mikey’s thigh before removing yourself from your seat intending to find somewhere to drop Carmy’s present off at. You stopped in the threshold of the door sending Pete a small smile, “If it makes you feel better Donna threatened to beat my mom’s ass when we showed up with collard greens and baked Mac n cheese our first Christmas here.” You gave a soft pat to his elbow hoping the anecdote helped him feel someone better.

You left the living room, eyes looking around for a practical spot to leave Carmy’s present. You debated leaving it on the small side table in the hallway, but you weren’t too sure if anyone would give it a second thought. Carmy stopped in the doorway of the kitchen as he found you standing in the hallway, the matte black box still clutched in your hands. He had half a mind to hide out in the kitchen until you left but knew he’d probably get shit from his mom about it.

He cleared his throat, gaining your attention as he took a few steps to lessen the distance between you. His hand raising up to scratch the back of his neck, eyes not meeting yours as he prepared himself to interact with you, “Ahem, I uh I overheard what you said to Pete. Is your mom doing okay? Was the trip out here too much for her?”

You stared at Carmen eyes cold and unwavering, you knew his question held no malicious intent but it still felt like a slap to the face. The silence from you finally caused Carmy’s eyes to meet your own, the soft color of your irises giving nothing away.

“She died eight months ago Carmen.” Carmy felt like his whole world had stop the voices in the background drowinng out as the bubble the two of you were standing in was filled with nothing but silence.

Carmy’s arm raised his head forcefully running through his hair, head darting to the side to compose himself. “Shit Baby, I’m sorry I-I didn’t know.”

You nodded eyes straying to the present in your hands swallowing the lump in your throat, “How would you?” An out of place laugh leaving your lips as you looked at Carmy, the kicked puppy expression on your face making you feel a little bad. Letting out a sigh you shook your head, “I’m sorry Carmy, that wasn’t fair.”

Carmy copied your motions, his own hand shaking as he reached out a gentle unsure hand to lay on top of yours, “No no, uh I think I deserved that one.” His boyish smile doing its best to offer you some form of comfort in this moment. Your eyes dropped to his mouth, the smile you hadn’t seen in so long unconsciously causing one to appear on your own lips, head dropping to the calloused hand gently on yours.

The hand quickly retreated to its owner, Carmy not wanting to push anymore boundaries, eyes looking at the box one more time a scapegoat from this conversation, “Uh so what’s in the box?” His hand gestured to the rather large decorative box that looked quite fancy now that he could see it up close.

You let out a shy chuckle, “It's uh actually for you. Merry Christmas.” You held out the box to him urging him to take it out of your hands. His eyes shot down to the box, surprised you had even thought about him, “If you don’t feel like opening it now I could just leave it in your room.” Your head motioning up the stairs.

Carmy stepped back nodding his head, “Uh yeah please if you don’t mind.” He sent you an awkward smile, guilt creeping up his chest. You smiled turning to head up stairs and drop his present off, he called out to you as made it halfway up the stairs. You stopped turning to face him, “I uh, I’m sorry I didn’t get you anything.”

Carmy watched as you drew your lips up into a broad smile. He knew it was fake though, that small sparkle wasn’t in your eyes, the edges of them not crinkling either the way he had once been used to your pretty teeth not making an appearance for him either. He watched as you sent him a small shrug, “It’s okay Carmy, I wasn’t expecting one anyway.” You resumed your journey upstairs to his room.

Carmen was left alone at the bottom of the staircase, eyes still glued to the spot you were just minutes ago. He closed his eyes trying to get a deep breath into his lungs. Carmy was trying to understand how he had ever deserved to once have you in his life, he was a grade A fucking asshole to you, and you still treated him with the same love and thoughtfulness you always had. Carmy made a decision in that moment, as soon as this night was over, he was buying you a fucking Christmas present.

You closed the door behind you as you exited Carmy’s childhood room, the air of nostalgia pressing down on you while you were in there almost suffocating you. You had been in there entirely too long, easily getting caught up in how much easier life was when you and Carmy used to build pillow forts and tell ghost stories in there. You had meant to just place the present at the foot of his bed and go, but you found yourself getting caught up in the memories and flipping through the various culinary books that had been sitting on the nightstand paying extra close attention to the pages that had been tabbed.

By the time you made it to the dining room everyone had sat down and the only empty seat was to the right of Sugar and directly across from Carmy. You walked in brows pitched together at the commotion that could be heard, eyes locking with Carmy’s at the same time something aggressively hit your thigh.

A chorus of “Michael” could be heard around the dining room. You looked down at the sound of metal clanging against metal, one fork laying next to your foot another a little ways in front of it. Bending down you scooped the two forks up in your hand. You looked around the table even more confused than you already were eyes darting to Mikey as he threw his arms open in greeting, “Baby! Nice of you to join us, mind doing me a favor and handing me those forks?” Your eyes flashed to the forks in your hand before taking in everyone’s expressions around the table.

You had no clue what you had just walked into. You looked in Carmy and Nat’s direction, the two of them subtly shaking their heads. Your eyes found Mikey’s again a little unnerved by the look in his eyes, “They were just on the floor so I’ll just go wash them off real qui-.”

The sound of palms slamming against the table cut off your explanation causing you to flinch where you were standing, eyes still glued to Mikey, “Sorry Baby, I’m sorry,” his hands raised in a placating gesture. “Just hand me the forks alright, don't needa wash ‘em off,” You gulped your head nodding slowly as you took the few steps in Mikey’s direction. He carefully took them from your grip, a mocking smile pulling at his lips.

You gave him a small nod quickly retreating to your seat. You shuffled your chair in Stevie helping to push the back of it. All was silent for a moment as everyone looked at each other, you doing everything in your power to avoid anyone’s eyes. A quiet laugh broke the silence followed a whispered “Of fucking course.”

Mikey’s eyes snapped back to Lee eyes zeroing in on the older man, “What did you just say?” The question sounded more like a demand to your ears. Lee laughed again shrugging his shoulders turning his own eyes to glare at Mikey, “I said of course she’s gonna fucking do what you say the girl has no fucking backbone.”

An echo of “Lee,” and “What the fuck,” could be heard from both Richie and Cicero, one trying to the diffuse the situation, the other not settling for the unwarranted disrespect thrown at you. Your head shot up a frown decorating your features eyes locking on Carmy’s as he shook his a head a plea for you to ignore it and not further feed into the chaos

You ignored Carmy turning in your chair to face Lee, “What the fuck is that supposed to mean Lee?” Stevie’s hand reached up to lightly pat your shoulder trying to calm you down before aggressively being shrugged off.

Lee faced you with a sardonic smile pressing into his lips “Is somebody gonna tell her? Do I have to tell her?” He looked around the table looking for anyone to take the reins from him, “I’m sorry that nobodies honest with you sweetheart, but you’re just a glorified lap dog.” He shrugged his shoulders as if in apology, “Just a bitch he keeps on a leash.”

Your mouth opened a little bit confused as to how this conversation had become a personal attack on you. Everyone at the table had brought forth different reactions after that revelation, anyone who knew Mikey knew he didn’t take kindly to disrespect thrown your way. You felt a foot nudge yours under the table taking you away from the ensuing chaos. You turned to Sugar who was focused on the scene in front of her too worried about Mikey to be paying attention to you. You felt the nudge again, eyes finding Carmen's eyebrows raised in a silent question, eyes searching your face to catch any remaining emotions, you smoothed out the frown on your face sending him a small nod to let him know you were fine.

The two of you were drawn back to the argument before you as the two men began berating each other again, voices growing louder by the second. You watched Mikey’s face lose any sort of emotion as Lee took a shot at his drug use. You felt your heart squeeze in your chest at Mikey’s reaction, you couldn’t lie you thought both men were being extremely childish but you hated how that was one of the things people latched onto when purposely trying to hurt Mikey.

The table remained silent; the only sound filling the room was the ticking of a clock in the background, everyone doing their best to not cause any reasons to incite more violence. The anxiety caused you to bounce your leg up and down unsure as to where the rest of this night was going, you felt a foot gently tap the toe of your shoe, something Carmy used to do whenever you needed reassurance that everything would be okay and other forms of physical contact were impossible.

You watched as Mikey pawned Pete’s fork from its set place, an uproar going around the table pleading with Mikey. You sat there silently watching the scene if 10 other people hadn’t already gotten through to Mikey, you were sure and 11th voice joining the mix would be completely useless at this point.

Sugar’s voice cut through the chaos attention zeroed in on Mikey, “Michael. Please don’t do this.” You watched as Mikey focused his attention on Sugar, “I love you.” Being her final plea as Mikey seemed to be weighing his options. The discourse between the two continued as everybody watched with bated breath waiting to see what the next move would be.

Steve’s unwarranted giggle broke Michael’s focus, his rush of apologies being brushed off by Mikey all in the name of fun. Cicero decided he might be the one to finally get through to Mikey playing his hand at mediator. You watched Mikey’s erratic behavior in silence, you weren’t usually privy to this side of Mikey, never being in town long enough to catch one of his episodes. It scared you, and it wasn’t necessarily Mikey that was scaring you but knowing that his switch could be flipped in such a timely manner that had you worrying about his safety.

The argument being nowhere near resolved as Lee’s constant instigating kept fueling the fire. Mikey’s sudden movement to stand up caused your heart to race, you honestly couldn’t give two shits about Lee’s wellbeing, your only concern was Mikey and what was going through his head at that moment.

You held your head in your hands that were propped up on the table by your elbows, the impending headache beginning to make an appearance. The animal noises coming from Mikey’s direction doing nothing to ease the ache behind your eyes. Doing your best to drown out Lee’s constant attack on Mikey’s character.

The clapping around the table drawing your head up as Donna danced into the dining room, you felt so exhausted you couldn’t even muster up a fake smile to appease her. “What did I miss?” Donna laughed as she made her way to her seat, a quiet “nothing” being her answer. “I missed something,” she said while sitting in her designated spot.

Donna’s eyes met yours, letting out another laugh “Jesus you look fucking miserable Baby. I definitely missed something.” You let out a small chuckle forcing your lips into a pathetic smile, you hand coming up to play with your own fork that was sat on the place mat, “Nothing Mama D, just Lee being a fucking cunt.”

The table fell quiet any hope for a somewhat peaceful family dinner squandered by your remark. All eyes flocked to Donna as she let out a full belly laugh, hand coming down to hit the table. The same hand moving up to point at you, “Now that’s fucking funny Baby.” A shit eating grin stretching across your face, Carmy letting out an exasperated sigh at his mom feeding into your antics.

“Uh, Stevie, Stevie’s about to say grace, Ma.” Mikey interjected trying to stir Christmas dinner back on his rightful course, Donna looked appeased eyes happily finding Steve’s figure as she waited for him to begin. A small back and forth between Mikey and Stevie ensued before that latter began his prayer.

“Um..Hey. Uh.. that we’re all…” Michelle’s laugh interrupting her partner causing you to laugh but quickly stopping at the soft pinch on your thigh earned from Sugar. You fell silent as you listened to Stevie give what seemed more like an awkward ramble rather than a prayer.

You could feel Carmy’s eyes darting across your figure as Stevie gave his explanation of what he thought the seven fishes symbolized. “I think that spending time and using that time on the people that we love is how we show them that we love them.” You had looked up in that moment, eyes connecting with Carmy’s piercing blue ones. Neither of you gave into the urge to look away, instead drinking each other in like two plants feeling the first drop of rain after a drought.

Your attention both drawn away by Donna’s quiet sniffles a chorus of praises sent in her direction in order to calm her aching heart.

“You okay?” Natalie’s question causes you to flop back in your chair, eyes clenching shut. You knew all Nat had was good intentions and would always be the first one to put Donna’s mental well-being first, but you also knew what it felt like to feel so overstimulated that those two measly would send you in a downward spiral.

“Do you know how much I fucking hate it when you ask me that? Do I not look okay Natalie?” Donna’s mood shifted just as quickly as it had been the whole day. Her unknown limit was reached in the span of a minute.

“Not really.” Michelle’s subtle shade drew a hardly restrained laugh out of you, “Oh, fuck you Michelle.” Donna snapped before setting her sights on you, “Is something funny Baby? Hmm?” The question causes the lingering smile to immediately drop your back going straight against the chair, your head quickly shaking back and forth throat clearing before answering Donna, “No ma’am.” You admitted head still on a swivel to ease Donna’s agitation.

You glanced at Carmy, his whole being sunken in as he looked at you as if your existence was exhausting him at this moment. Regardless of Carmen’s look you know your mom would’ve crucified your ass for walking into Donna Berzatto’s house and feeling comfortable enough to disrespect her not only to her face, but with a bunch of her peers around.

“Are you motherfuckers okay?” Donna continued on letting her subdued rage out the table silent so as to not enrage her any further. “Fuck you!” The smashing of glass as the plate hit the ground causing you to flinch, leg knocking into Carmy’s from the sudden noise, his knee tapping yours twice to reassure you everything would be fine.

Donna made her exit while berating Sugar, who sat there speechless unaware of why her need to make sure her mom was well was taken as a personal attack. Lee’s unprovoked comment about Donna’s tirade irritating you along with Michelle’s comment about it being her worst moment.

It was funny to you how each and everyone sitting at this table would drag themselves here every year. To sit in Donna’s house, to eat Donna’s food. To reap the rewards of the countless hours of Donna’s hard work, only to dismiss her because she had become so overstimulated the only reaction she knew to give was unadulterated rage.

You saw Mikey’s hand move before the fork flew across the table narrowly missing Lee’s head. The older man jumping up no longer tolerating the eldest Berzatto’s antics, Mikey following suit the clattering of the dishes loud as he threw his side of the table. The two men trying to force themselves out of the arms of the people holding them back seemingly ready to tear each other apart.

Silence fell upon the room as a loud crash was heard, the screeching of tires following after. You stood up from your seat mouth dropping open at the Mercedes Benz now sitting in the dining room. Mikey’s voice screaming at Donna to open the door as Sugar tightly grasped your arm lingering on the table, trying to ground herself. The two of you are the only remaining guests still sitting down. Your eyes followed Carmy’s as he stared blankly at the fork lodged into a cannoli.

Your head was pounding at this point, the small headache from earlier now feeling more like a migraine. You slipped your arm from Sugar’s grasp removing yourself from the dining room table as quietly as you could, you quickly walked to the front door. Every bone in your body was screaming at you to walk out that door and not come back, to protect your own peace. You plopped down on the porch step head resting against your knees, as much as you wanted to leave, your heart wouldn’t allow you to leave the Berzatto siblings to this mess alone.

“Are you sure you don’t want to come home with us?” Sugar asked one final time as her and Pete were standing in the open doorway. “Pete will take you to the airport in a couple of hours.” You smiled pulling Sugar into a hug, the two of you lingering in the other’s embrace a much needed hug after the day you had.

You pulled back, placing a kiss against her cheek, “Get home Nat, I’ll have Mikey drop me off.” You could tell she was ready to protest but Pete grabbed her elbow gaining her attention, “She’s right you need rest.” You nodded in agreement with Pete, happy that Nat had found someone who would always put her first.

“Listen to Pete Nat, I promise I’ll be fine,” You gave her hand a squeeze the uncertainty still clinging to her features before she let out an exhausted sigh head nodding as she pulled you into one last quick hug. “Call me as soon as you get home okay?” It was your turn to nod, urging the two of them out the door before closing and locking it behind them.

You leaned your head against the cool surface of the door, you had no desire to sit on a plane for four hours, but you also had no desire to extend your stay in Chicago for longer than needed. Sighing you made your way into the kitchen to make sure all the appliances were turned off before flipping off the lights and making your way to the stairs.

The closing of a door caught your attention, your eyes shooting up and landing on Carmy’s tired face, the bags under his eyes seeming to have darkened from the stress of the day. He stopped in his tracks looking at you as well, eyes not blinking for a moment, “You’re still here?” His question caused you to frown confused at the hostile question.

His eyes darted across your face, throat clearing, “No, I uh didn’t mean it like that. Just thought you would’ve been gone by now.” You nodded understanding where he was coming from. “I’m actually looking for Mikey, have you seen him? He’s supposed to take me to the airport.”

Carmy felt his jaw clench at the mention of Mikey, he was getting real fucking tired of hearing about the two of you together. He didn’t know why it bothered him so much but he hadn’t expected to be spending his first Christmas home in a while worrying about Mikey’s role in your life.

“Uh, Mikey took off a bit ago. I don’t think he’ll be home anytime soon.” You felt your eyes instinctively close a tired sigh escaping through your lips. The last thing you wanted to do was head to the airport this early and wait for your flight. You had hoped you’d be able to catch a quick nap before heading out.

“I could, ahem, I could drive you.” You watched as Carmy ran a hand through his hair, eyes looking everywhere but you, “I mean only if you want though you know?” You felt a small smile tug at your lips, Carmy's awkward behavior endearing to you, you could tell he felt self-conscious about even offering up such an idea, and you understood, it was kind of out of left field for two people who hadn’t been on the best of terms.

“Honestly Carmy I would fucking love that,” You smiled in his direction thankful that you could count on one of the Berzatto brothers. “Um do you think I can take a shower though, kind of just wanna wash the day off.” You gave a small chuckle to try and alleviate any tension your request may have caused.

You watched Carmy’s head nod rapidly, words failing him in that moment. He turned heading to his childhood room expecting you to follow in his footsteps. You entered behind him, the room feeling impossibly smaller with the two of you now taking up space. You watched Carmy frantically move around the room returning to your side with a stack of clothes in his hand, you smiled gratefully taking the clothes from his hand before making your way towards the en suite.

Carmy watched as you closed the door behind you, hands moving to run down his face as his brain tried to piece together how after everything that had gone down today, you were taking a shower in his childhood bathroom.

You stepped out of the shower quickly wrapping the fluffy towel that you had found under the sink around your body. Your hand reached up to wipe the steam off the mirror, you stood there for a moment taking in your appearance grateful to have taken a shower but a little nervous about spending time in close quarters with Carmy after being apart for so long.

Your eyes turned to the pile of clothes sitting atop the countertop, you took inventory of the items. A white tee shirt that you just knew hugged Carmy deliciously, sweats that were sure to be baggy on your frame, a pair of socks and boxers you hoped had been washed prior to being offered to you.

The lotion bottle sitting next to the sink caught your attention, not giving it a second thought as you reached for Carmy’s signature scent lathering it on your body and quickly getting dressed. You exited the bathroom throwing your damp towel in the hamper next to the bathroom door. Taking a step into the room your eyes found Carmy sitting on his twin sized bed, legs propped up as a book rested on his knees, highlighter clenched between his teeth as he raptly read his book.

It wasn’t the position that kept your focus though. It was the tank top that showed off his toned biceps, shoulders sculpted just right. His signature gold chain complimenting the white tank top. You did your best to stop staring, eyes skating across his ink covered skin as an excuse to keep checking him out.

“You’re staring.” Your eyes shot to Carmy’s face, his eyes still stuck on his book. You cleared your throat gaining his attention, hand gesturing to the door behind you, “I hope you don’t mind I kind of used your shower gel…and your lotion.” Carmy nodded listening to you speak, “I drew the line at your 2in1 Head and Shoulders though, that was a real disappointment Carmen.” You sent him a teasing smile as you made your way to his bedroom door.

“Wait where are you going?” You stopped looking back at Carmy confusion washing over your face, “I was just gonna nap on the couch, I don’t want to intrude in your space any longer,” You calmly explained. Carmy stared at you for a few minutes, bright eyes drilling holes into your own, you watched as he moved to the opposite side of the bed before patting the spot he had just been in “Just uh, nap here okay?” You felt your heart rate pick up at the gesture, a little annoyed that basic human decency had your heart trying to race out of your chest.

Carmy raised his eyes in your direction waiting for you to take the spot. You quickly shuffled over, adjusting the pillow so you could lay down comfortably. You laid down on your right side, head facing Carmy, studying his face as he read. Watching as every few minutes he would highlight a sentence he probably found particularly interesting. His eyes so focused on what was in front of him you almost wondered if his body remembered how to blink. Your eyes traced down the side of his face, gliding down his neck and landing on his gold chain that caused your body to warm, your tongue peeking out unconsciously to lick your lips.

Continuing your path across Carmy’s shoulder your hand reached up to gently caress his ‘773’ tattoo. Index finger tracing every number before making its way down to what appeared to be a measuring cup holding the world.

Carmy’s head shot in your direction at the first touch of your soft finger against his skin, he watched your finger carefully tracing the ink lining his arms. He saw the concentration on your face doing his best to hold back a sigh at the feel of your skin against his. He had to convince himself to not reach out and push the hair out of your face to get a clear view of what you looked like at this angle. Carmy allowed you to continue your investigation, his own eyes darting across the visible side of your face, eyes falling to your pulse point imagining what it would feel like to place his hand there. His eyes were drawn to the medium sized ‘B’ in a typewriter-like font painted in the space behind your ear.

Carmy shakily reached out hand cupping the left side of your neck as his thumb gently ran back and forth over the single letter, “Baby?” You looked up at Carmy eyes meeting his as he tapped the ink behind your ear to signify what he was questioning. You gulped feeling the tension in the air as his eyes searched back and forth between your own.

“It could stand for Berzatto if you wanted it to.” You weren’t sure where the confidence to allow that whisper to leave your lips came from, but you weren’t going to pretend you regretted it.

You watched Carmy’s Adam's apple bob up and down. The grip of his hand tightening against your neck momentarily as he coughed before removing his hand. Eyes leaving yours as he shut the book still laying in his lap and placed it on the bedside table, “Ahem, It's late, get some rest I’ll wake you when it's time to leave.” You were given no time to interject as Carmy turned off his bedside lamp and turned so his back was facing you.

You sighed eyes now piercing the space between his shoulder blades. Leaning forward you pressed a small gentle kiss to the bare skin of his shoulder. “Goodnight Carmen. Sweet dreams.” You turned as well, not even being able to face his back.

Carmy’s breath caught in his throat, your lips feeling as if they had been branded into his skin. He took the chance adjusting his own body around, the size of his childhood bed causing the two of you to be pressed flushed together. The soft gasp you let out causing his heart to race his mind going a mile a minute, thoughts doing their best to talk him out of whatever the hell he thought he was doing right now.

His arm found its way around your waist pulling you impossibly closer to him, your backside pretty much in his lap at this point. Neither of you said a word. Carmy's face made its home in the crook of your neck. The faint scent of your lavender and vanilla perfume lulling him into a dreamlike state.

a/n: goodness did i hate the first draft of this chapter : ( and i still hate this draft, but the carmy x reader fluff at the end made me feel better lol. the family dinner truly killed me though and i’m so glad to be done with the christmas arc. i hope you all enjoy please like/reblog/comment or interact in whatever way you feel comfortable. i appreciate you all so much thank you for the support! 💜

idk if this needed to be said or not but this is obviously and AU at this point lol

tag list: @hawkins-2000 @elliesbabygirl @allbark-no-bite @anakinswh0re3005 @rexorangecouny @thecraziestcrayon @fruitcupsworld @nishinoyahhh @lilylovelyxo @ridingthehotmessexpress @noas-ark @jadeittic @hellokittyever @luvr-bunnyy @sxgees @fandomhopped @is-this-a-febreze-commercial @kravitzwhore @chanluuvr @readingwiththereids @chims-kookies @ladygrey03 @ferida-kahlo @wanderlustnightwanderer @how2besalty @armydrcamers @gcidrvsh @fire-treasure-iii @frequentnosebleeder @kailyn-g05 @khena

i hope i got everyone, strikethrough means i couldn’t tag : (

[garbinge]

The Smell Of Rain

Richie Jerimovich x Reader Carmy x Platonic!Reader

Day 30 from these April Prompts: “The Smell Of Rain”

Summary: Carmy and you get into a fight as all the tension between you over the years comes to a head. When you storm out, Richie comes to comfort you. 

Continuation of these (in order): Pillow Forts, Soft Spot, Shoulder To Cry On

A/N: I did it! 30 days of fics!!! No other way to end it than with my favorite little universe that came from this challenge. <3 

Warnings: All my fics are 18+, despite content. Mentions of cursing, mentions of sex, cursing, mentions of death. 

Words: 2.5k

The Bear Taglist: @drabbles-mc @justreblogginfics​

Other fics from this universe

Your head tilted back slightly as your headphones fell down on your shoulders. The music that was once blasting in your ears was now faint for those around you to hear. 

“Hey!” You called out as the frown filled your face. 

“Hey!” Carmy mocked you as he reappeared in front of you, towel in his hand that rested over his shoulder as he wiped his hands off. “What’s this?” He nodded to all the papers you had in front of you on the counter. 

“Just researchin’” You adjusted the headphones on your shoulders and started to sort through all the papers before pulling one out to flip and show him. “Some spots around town, thinking about opening up my own coffee shit or somethin’ I don’t know.” 

Carmy leaned forward slightly to look at what you were showing him before his eyes mulled over the rest of it. “These are either really expensive or really shitty.” 

“Thanks for the vote of confidence.” Your eyes rolled. 

“No,” he shook his head, “sorry, I just meant why not just set your shit up here, I can work with Syd on getting some shit sorted on the menu, we already got the coffee machines, buying your espresso machine and all that is probably way cheaper than one of these?” His offer was genuine, you could see the wheels in his head turning. 

“I appreciate that Carm, I really do.” The idea wasn’t lost on you, you thought about asking him, working up a proposal even, but after a lot of thought and consideration it didn’t make sense. “The Beef isn’t exactly a coffee spot. I don’t think the shit I wanna do would work here, I’d be burning more than making more.” You explained to him. “I actually,” you started to filter through the mess in front of you and pulled out a couple pages and handed it to him “I actually thought about asking you a few weeks ago but it just doesn’t make sense on paper.” 

Carmy looked over what you handed him and tried to find something wrong, a calculation, a loophole, something but it was true, the numbers just didn’t add up. 

“Told you.” You smiled seeing that he was trying to make sense of it all. “Mikey actually showed me this place” you paused for a minute looking for the one listing that actually wasn’t on the market but it would have been perfect, “here, on North Lincoln.” You handed him the images. 

Carmy got quiet as he stared at paper, the thoughts of Mikey starting to fill his head. The thought of him with you, talking about this shit did something to him, it wasn’t jealousy, it was just the idea that you were here with him when he couldn’t be and wasn’t. 

“Looks like shit.” He said tossing the paper down in a bit of a frustrated way. 

Your eyes tensed as the frown filled your face, “what the fuck do you mean it looks like shit, it’s one of the best places and it’s near here, we’d practically be neighbors.” 

“It looks like shit.” Carmy repeated himself. 

“What the fuck crawled up your ass?” 

“It’s–it’s got no potential, plus it’s not even on the market, I don’t know why the fuck would Mikey show you this shit it’s a waste.” His voice was getting tense. 

“He fuckin’ showed me this because he knew what I was looking for and this met all of my requirements.” You felt yourself nearing the edge of your seat, ready to stand up in full defense mode. 

“Reckless. It’s reckless.” He started to say while shaking his head. “You’re reckless, it’s not your fault, you had Mikey in your ear for years and he clearly didn’t know his shit.” He laughed like what he was saying wasn’t causing your blood to boil. 

“Go fuck yourself, Carmy.” 

His face looked ready to rumble, the smile on his face was sarcastic and fueled by anger. 

“I’m trying to make sure you don’t go fuck yourself.” He had this better than thou attitude dripping off his tongue. 

“No, you’re trying to make sure you validate yourself about not being here when shit got dicey. That’s your fuckin’ cross to bear Carmen.” You used his full name, now being fully over his shit. 

“When shit got dicey?” He laughed, his voice now raising. “You mean when my brother was getting addicted to fucking pain pills and you never told me?” 

The words were sharp and sliced into you. “I mean when I was calling you and TRYING to talk to you but you were too busy with reporters at Eater and Forbes and creating plum pumped bullshit to give a rat’s ass about anything.” 

You both were getting heated now. 

“I was going through shit.” His voice got low for a minute and you thought maybe this was going to be the turning point. You and Carmy didn’t fight often, and when you did it was either over in minutes or lasted weeks. No inbetween. 

“I was going through my own shit too, Carm.” You tried to level with him, get him to understand your side of things since it had been so long since you attempted to. 

“Yea, sleeping with fuckin’ Richie?” The words were pointed, his voice might have been low but he was not trying to back down from this fight. You were at a loss for words, you knew when Carmy found out about your one night stand with Richie he was going to make fun of you, tease you, get under your skin about it but this was different. “At least I put my energy into something worth while, you decided to slum it up here and did I mention, sleep with fuckin’ Richie?”

“Slum it up?” You laughed in shock, “then what the fuck are you doing now, Carmy? Huh? I didn’t realize you were bringing in Jeff Bezos money, my mistake, the broken glass must be just for the ambience and not because you have no fuckin’ money.” You were now standing up. “And what the fuck is your issue with me and Richie? We fucked. Get over it. Are we fuckin 16?” 

“You want to talk about money? You want to open up some pompous coffee shop in downtown Chicago? That’s the dumbest idea yet, the people are fighting that gentrifying ass shit.” 

“Were you just born a fucking douchebag or did it take time and effort? It’s not a fuckin’ sweet green it’s a fucking coffee shop with GOOD coffee, I thought if anyone would get that it’d be you, Mr. fuckin’ NOMA.” You gathered your shit in a frustrated haste. 

“Yea, do what your family does best, leave.” He yelled at you like you had already moved from the spot in front of him, “just like your piece of shit old man.” 

Those words made you freeze, taking in every single syllable of what he said, the inflection of certain words, and then the repetition of the last sentence. “Just like your piece of shit old man.” He knew what that would do to you, it’s why he said it. He wanted to cut and he did. Deep. 

You looked up at him with glossy eyes as you fought back tears. “I don’t know who the fuck you are. But I do know that I wish Mikey was still alive so he could beat your scrawny fuckin’ ass into next year for being a little shit.”  You grabbed your bag and started to walk away and turned around to leave him with one more thing. “Just because I’m your best friend and you know I’m always going to be here, doesn’t mean you can treat me like shit. I thought out of anyone in my life, you would know that. But just one more thing to add to my ‘rememeber when Carmy disappointed me’ list.”  

With that, you rushed into the seating area of the Beef, leaving Carmy at the counter alone. You made your way to the back through the kitchen pushing through Angel and Sweeps. The rest of the kitchen looking up to see you in a state that wasn’t common for you as you made your way to the back exit to sit outside. 

______

Carmy moved back into the kitchen, his frustration getting the best of him as he let it out on everyone around him. Yelling about checks and little details that normally he’d let go unnoticed and unspoken about but now they were everyone’s problem. 

Richie strolled in, late, and with the most nonchalant attitude especially in comparison to Carmy right now. 

“What crawled up Carmy’s ass?” Richie leaned over and asked Tina. Before she could respond, Carmy was yelling at Richie. 

“Cousin! You’re late! And you’re slowing down my chefs!” 

“What crawled up your ass?” Richie repeated the same statement you had said earlier which triggered Carmy to go deeper into his rage. 

“I’m getting shit together, unlike you whose all over the fuckin’ place, creating a mess in your path everywhere you fuckin’ go.”

“Mess?” Richie looked around with a frown. 

“With The Beef, with your marriage, with your life, with my best fuckin’ friend.”  Carmy was now in Richie’s face, just looking for a fight. 

“How’s my life such a mess and I’m still the only one out of the two of us who ever shows up for YOUR fuckin’ family?” 

Richie wasn’t one to pick a fight with, he didn’t hold back. 

Carmy stared at him, jaw tight trying to think of what to say to that. 

“Shows up? I don’t think you offer anything of value to anyone’s life Richie. You’re selling drugs in the back of the fuckin’ restaurant like a fucking deadbeat, your ex wife fuckin’ hates you,  and you fucked my best friend to cope with that, you’re a piece of shit.” 

Richie laughed, “So that’s what this is about?” A smile grew on his face. “You’re jealous because I did what you were too pussy to do?” 

It wasn’t the truth, Carmy and you never were a thing and there was never any secret pining between you, but Richie knew it would get under Carmy’s skin by saying it. 

“Get the fuck out of my face.” Carmy said as he stared off past Richie. 

“What’s the matter, cousin? Jealous?” Richie repeating with a shit eating grin on his face. 

“Jesus Christ I can’t catch a fucking break.” Carmy closed his eyes and whispered. 

“What the fuck are you saying?” Richie’s neck bent down so he could get a better look at Carmy still with a smile on his face. 

“Why don’t you get the fuck out of here like she did, storm out crying, it’ll be great full circle moment, you two can frolic in flower fields and hold hands and talk about how shitty of a person I am…” Carmy was still going on when Richie’s smile faded, he blocked out everything after he heard the mention of you storming out and crying. 

“Where is she?” Richie cut him off. 

“Going to console her like you did when Mikey passed?” Carmy spat. 

Richie repeated himself, “Where the fuck is she.” He said it more of a statement than a question, but he was still asking. 

“I don’t fuckin’ know.” 

Richie started to quickly move past Carmy and looked through the service hatch, by the lockers, and then by the arcades trying to find you.

“Have fun fuckin’ up her life more.” Carmy called out as he moved to his next kitchen task. 

Richie stopped moving for a minute when he heard what Carmy said. He wanted to ignore the comment but he couldn’t so he turned around and moved just as fast again back in Carmy’s face. 

“You know, I didn’t fuck her life up. You did. By not being there. She was getting the shit beat out of her by some fuckin’ dickhead in Minneanaplolis, but where the fuck were you? French Linen? Nona?” Richie fucked up the names of the places on purpose symbolizing how unimportant they were in comparison. 

Carmy looked pale as a ghost, the idea that Richie knew this detail and he didn’t, the fact that he wasn’t there for his brother and Richie was and now he wasn’t there for you and Richie was began to sink in. He said nothing, he stayed silent, his eyes starting to disassociate from Richie as he let those words marinate in his head. 

“Now, where the fuck is she?” Richie was staring down at Carmy now. 

“Out back.” Carmy spoke at a whisper as Richie nodded and moved to the back exit. 

The rain was light, a few drops falling down at a time, but if you were out there long enough one would have started to get soaked. 

“Jesus.” Richie said as he clocked you leaning against the fence that stood in between the back of the restaurant and the back lot. He was quick to shrug his jacket off and throw it over your shoulders and bring you into him. Your sobs grew louder as he took you in, rubbing his hand up and down your arm and consoling you. 

It was years of tears coming out at once, they were tears for the loss of what your friendship used to be with Carmy, the words he just said to you, honestly just everything over the last years was overflowing out of you in that moment. 

“I know, I know.” Richie said as he planted a kiss to the top of your head. “I’m gonna fuck that kid up.” 

“I’ll take that job willingly.” You said wiping the tears as you sat up and caught your breath. 

“You want water or anything?” Richie was leaning to get up but found himself leaning back when you shook your head no. 

It was silent for a while before you spoke up. “You know the rain, reminds me of Michael.” You said looking up at the sky. “I remember catching worms with him and Carmy when we were kids, he always tried to gross me out with them but I was so intrigued by them. He’d cut them in half and I laughed and laughed.” You shook your head. “Carmy and I would create these little houses for them.” A smile filled your face. 

Richie smiled and nodded, his memory of Michael and rain being pretty opposite of that. 

“I, uh. It rained on the day of Mikey’s funeral.” Richie nodded. “I feel like whenever I smell the rain I think about that shit, that like wet fuckin’ concrete smell. The shit some people love and it makes me sick.” 

You leaned your head on Richie’s shoulder, your way of consoling him but also to partially heal yourself. 

“I’m thinking of opening up a coffee spot somewhere in the city. Maybe off North Lincoln.” You weren’t sure why you had mentioned it to Richie but his response made you glad that you did. 

His head fell on yours and he nodded. “I think that’s a good fuckin’ idea.”

[garbinge]

My Best Friend's Cousin

This is a Richie Jerimovich x F!Reader series as well as a Carmy Berzatto & Platonic!F!Reader series.

Pillow Forts - Richie Jerimovich x F!Reader / Carmy Berzatto x Platonic!F!Reader

2. Soft Spots - Richie Jerimovich x F!Reader / Mikey Berzatto x Platonic!F!Reader

3. Shoulder To Cry On - Richie Jerimovich x F!Reader

4. The Smell Of Rain - Richie Jerimovich x F!Reader

5. I’m Sorry - Carmy Berzatto x Platonic!F!Reader

6. Bad Day - Richie Jerimovich x F!Reader / Carmy Berzatto x Platonic!F!Reader

7. You Suck - Carmy Berzatto x Platonic!F!Reader 8. For The Sake Of The Game - Richie Jerimovich x F!Reader 9. Tasteless - Richie Jerimovich x F!Reader / Carmy Berzatto x Platonic!F!Reader 10. The Original Swiftie Of Chicagoland - Richie Jerimovich x F!Reader 11. Early Morning - Carmy Berzatto x Platonic!F!Reader // Richie Jerimovich x F!Reader 12. Thanksgiving - Richie Jerimovich x F!Reader 13. That One Christmas Without Carmy - Mikey Berzatto & Platonic!F!Reader

[garbinge]

Pillow Forts

Richie Jerimovich x Platonic!Reader (slight pining) Carmy Berzatto x Platonic!Reader

Day 12 from these April Prompts: “Pillow Forts”

Summary: A trip down memory lane while The Beef undergoes renovations.

A/N: Okay, so I’m switching the days around on this because this one shot created an entire universe for this reader and Richie and this is just going to be the beginning of it. I will be timeline jumping but this is what started it all! Enjoy this little universe I created <3 

Word Count: 2.8k

Warnings: All my fics are 18+ regardless of content. Light angst, shit talking, cursing (lots). 

The Bear Taglist: @drabbles-mc​ @justreblogginfics​ Other fics from this universe

Second grade. It was a daunting time for seven year olds, but not you. You saw the look on Carmen Berzatto’s face as all his books fell out of his backpack and onto the ground. Defeat. But the thing about it is, it was something that filled his face frequently. You weren’t creepy, but you were aware. Everyone else had left the classroom, they walked around him, but not you. Picking up what was left of his stuff, you stood there staring at him with a smile. He stared back, hard enough and silent enough that it would have pushed anyone away, but not you. 

You extended your hands out with his books, waiting for him to take it. He said nothing still and it took him a minute to even take the books. His expectation was that you would leave after that, but you didn’t move, just stayed there, like you were waiting for something. 

“D-do you want something?” A stutter left his mouth at a low tone.

“To be friends.” You said matter of factly. 

Carmy stood there speechless, he didn’t have many friends. There was Frank from Mrs. Cecil’s class, but he was just someone Carmy spent lunch with. And there was Charlie from next door but he just stood at the bus stop with him talking about his gameboy and high scores to which Carmy just nodded and hummed. You were the first person who had asked him to be friends, you were also the first friend he’d have that was a girl. 

Pending, he said yes. 

Obviously, he said yes. 

You were currently staring at a picture of you two that day sitting in the cafeteria together. It was from the yearbook that year, insane to think that someone had captured the day you met, but you would be forever grateful for it. 

The pile of pictures were scattered in the envelope that was sent to you with a generic return address. You had googled it and it was a fucking McDonalds in Nevada, not that you expected any sort of stability from your father. It was shocking enough that he had decided to send you this trip down memory lane, but again, you were grateful. 

The bell on the door to the restaurant was still attached, probably the last thing fully intact in the whole place, but it rang loud as you entered. The plastic that was taped over the refrigerated display case swooshed as the wind crept in from outside and you kicked the drop cloth back to flat as you closed the door. 

“Carmy!!” You threw your hand up in the air with the envelope. 

“What is that? A bill? We don’t want it.” Richie’s voice was loud and echoed against the bare walls as he came out from the kitchen. He was beside you in a minute, placing a kiss on your cheek and greeting you. “Hey, sweetheart.” He moved past you and to the wall to remove the last picture frame that was hanging. 

“Hi Richie.” You sat at the counter, leaning over it eagerly. “Where’s Carm?” Your head turned to look over your shoulder waiting for a response. 

“It’s great to see you too, babe. I’ve been good, just workin’ really hard renovating, Eva had a dance recital the other day, killed it, spins and twirls and shit, also, I got that kink in my neck taken care of, that massage place on North State Street, great deals.” Richie went on and on, clearly offended that your main goal was to find Carmy instead of himself as he spackled the holes on the wall. 

“Eva had a dance recital?” You turned a full 180 in the stool to stare at him, acknowledging the only thing he said that you truthfully cared about. 

“Yea the 21st, ballet.” Richie didn’t look away from the task he was doing. 

Carmy came out from the kitchen, wiping his hands on a towel. The sound of the door swinging open caught your attention. “Did you know that Eva had a dance recital on the 21st? Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t anyone tell me?” You questioned, your voice raised and high pitched as you swung back around in the stool.

“What’s in the envelope?” Carmy ignored your questions as he stood across from you. 

“It’s a bill! Don’t touch it!” Richie yelled over his shoulder. 

“Hey Richie!” You smiled and turned back to face him. His face was eager to hear your response. “Go fuck yourself.” The smile didn’t fade from your face, but you raised your middle finger to add a bit of pizzazz. 

“Oh that’s real nice.” He shook his head, going back to the project he was working on. “Don’t take the envelope, cousin! She’s like one of those people who serve papers.” 

You rolled your eyes and turned back to Carmy. “Do you wanna see what’s in the envelope?” Both of your hands slapped the envelope and pushed it towards him. “You’re gonnaaaa looooove it.” The singsong voice brought a smile to Carmy’s face, and Richie’s too despite you not being able to see it. 

Tina called out your name from the serving hatch, eager to get your attention. “I tried that coffee place on Pearson, like you told me! Pretty good shit, prima.” 

“You guys don’t want to believe that I know my fuckin’ coffee.” Your eyes rolled as you moved back to Carmy. “You gotta let me in here more to give these guys a good caffeine boost.” You joked to him knowing damn well he knew the powers you possessed when it came to a cappuccino, espresso, or pretty much any brewed cup of something.

Carmy got lost in thought for a minute before you were snapping him out of it, his first moment free from his mind was on your smile. Then on the words coming out of your mouth. “You wanna see the pictures, or what?” 

You reminded him so much of Mikey, from that first day you met to now, there were so many similarities. It was probably why you had gotten along so well. You were different though, you weren’t family, although you might as well have been with how often you were around. Shit, there was even a time where you stayed at the Berzatto house for months while your dad was on whatever bender with whatever number wife. 

Best friends. That’s how Carmy would classify you, what he’d introduce you as, similar to his older brother. The differences between you and Mikey were what made you lifelong friends, though. You were easy going, a great listener, caring, rarely put up a true fight, just one to roll with the punches and go with the flow. With your dad being in and out of your life, you sort of had to be to avoid the trauma of it all. On the other hand, though, you were loud and could light up the room from the moment you entered it, reading the vibe and just feeding off of it, jumping right in with no second thoughts, and that was exactly like Mikey. 

It became more apparent to Carmy when he found out his brother died and was feeling that loss of his older sibling. He was hearing the parts that he missed about Mikey in you during the phone calls you two had. It probably explained why he had put some distance there pretty soon after the fact. Your weekly check-ins turned scarce, phone calls were short and rare. You considered yourself lucky to even get a text back from him. That would only happen if you would reach out with two simple words. Pulse check. Something the two of you made up the year you both left Chicago when things got too busy for long calls or facetimes. It was your way of making sure the other was alive but understanding maybe it wasn’t the best time for a long conversation. 

“Pictures?” Carmy tossed the towel over his shoulder as he pushed off the counter behind him to lean forward on the counter in front of him. 

“My dad sent them.” The envelope was now facing Carmy. 

“With a return address, your Pops is finally slowing down.” He lifted it up, staring at the address. 

Your eyes met his, “Nah, I googled it, it’s a fuckin’ McDonalds. In Nevada. He’s probably on another bender in Vegas.” 

Carmy stared at you waiting for some sign that you wanted to talk about it but you just stared back at him. Bold of him to try and pry your thoughts and feelings out when he was so stingy with his own. 

“So we gonna look at these pictures or what?” Richie was yelling as he stepped behind Carmy, moving quickly to a sink to wash his hands. 

He was just out of ear shot when you shook your head and teased him. “Richie Jeremovich, everyone, the most annoying man in the world.” 

“Hey, you fucked him.” Carmy’s voice was so nonchalant it took you a minute to really hear what he said.

Your jaw dropped, there was a slight smirk on your face, though, finding a little humor in it and honestly it was nice to see him like this. After months of him being so fucked up and depressed, seeing him smile and poke fun at you was a nice change of pace. 

You lifted your finger and hooked it, gesturing for him to come closer to you. Your jaw closed, and your smirk grew bigger as your faces were close to each other over the counter. 

“And I’d do it again.” 

The laugh that escaped from your throat as Carmy pushed you away from him was loud and caused him to smile. 

“You’re so fuckin’ gross.” His face scrunched up in disgust.

“You brought it up first!” In innocence you raised your hands, “and to be fair I never even told you about it, you asked.” 

“Because you two flirt like horny teenagers!” He argued his case. 

Your laughs got louder the more and more Carmy teased you. It felt like old times. It felt normal. Even when everything was the complete opposite of normal. 

“Richie flirts with everything and anything with a pulse, puhhhleaaasee!” Your surrendered hands raised in argument, a learned Berzatto trait. 

“Hey, that’s not true! I have class.” Richie spoke with his hands as the water from his hands splattered on the counter before he wiped them on his track pants. 

“The classiest man I know.” You tried to keep your face serious as you stared at him. 

“See,” Richie puffed out his chest. “A woman who respects a real man.” He pointed at her and winked clearly not catching on to your sarcasm, but you’d let him have this one. 

“Alright, both of you either get a room or shut the fuck up.” Carmy was starting to hate the fact that he brought this up in the first place and picked the envelope up, carefully removing the pictures and spreading them across the bare counter. 

“Oh shit!” Richie quickly reached down and picked up a photo from yours and Carmy’s high school graduation. Carmy had on his light denim baseball hat that was turned backwards, the yellow snapback was across his forehead, the black graduation gown swallowing his entire body up. His smile was contagious as you had one arm wrapped around his neck, hand resting on his chest, your body leaning on his back as he lifted you off the ground. “I remember this, Mikey and I were wasted at your graduation.” 

“So was I.'' You snorted, grabbing the picture and smiling at it before looking down at the rest of them. “Look at this one.” You pointed to the picture of you and Sugar dressed up in front of the Christmas tree at the Berzatto house. 

“What were you, like, Brittney Spears or somethin’?” Richie frowned and tilted his head at the two of you. 

“Spice girls.” You said in a disapproving voice, not shocked at Richie’s answer but more annoyed. “I was Ginger and Nat was Baby. She got a karaoke machine for Christmas.”

“I remember this.” Carmy took the photo out of your hand, “This is when you were living with us.” 

“10th grade.” You smiled. “When dad was on wife number 3? Which was, I believe, the Mexico trip?” You tried to remember the fucked up situation that was your life growing up. 

“It was Mexico,” Carmy confirmed, "he brought you back a margarita machine.” He stared up at the ceiling tapping one of the photos against his hands trying to recollect that time in your lives. “You came back over and said something like ‘if you let me stay for a few more weeks, I’ll teach you how to make a frozen margarita.” 

“I stayed for like 6 more months.” You laughed remembering your sophomore year. 

“Holy shit, I remember this.” Richie grabbed a photo, it was one of all of you, a polaroid actually. The irony that all of you were older but laying inside a pillow fort, you were all various ages but none of you being one that honestly justified a pillowfort, but that never stopped any of you.

 Sugar was on the far left, hiding behind one of the pillows that was serving as a wall. Carmy was next to her, laying on his back, his head looking at the camera upside down. You were in the middle, arm hooked to Carmy as you pushed Mikey’s head away from you. Mikey’s hand was smooshed across your face and the camera had caught him mid laugh. Richie was standing just outside the pillow fort on the right, he was squatting down, pillow in hand, jokingly getting ready to suffocate the lot of you. 

“The summer before everyone left.” Carmy said, looking over it. 

“Before you three left.” Richie corrected him. “Mikey and I didn’t go anywhere.” Richie was a little bitter in that statement. 

“It was when the power went out, there was nothing to do so we created a stupid pillow fort.” You quickly changed the subject. 

“It was so fucking hot.” Carmy laughed, looking to see if there was another picture of the fort. 

“We made it in the kitchen and taped the blankets to the open fridge to get some type of cool air.” You had found another picture of the fort, this one just of the pillows and blankets. The back of the polaroid had writing on it. “Fire fuckin’ fort” 

“We moved all the food to the freezer so it wouldn’t go bad.” Richie laughed at the memory. 

“Except the flank, Mikey took it out to sit because it was Sunday. Braciole night.” You pointed to the beef that was on the counter in the picture of the fridge portion of the fort. 

“Gas fuckin’ stove.” Richie nodded as he remembered how they cooked that meal when the power was out. 

There was a moment of silence between all of them as they took in the memory, the thought that Mikey was no longer with them sinking in. This was probably the last memory of the group of them together that was documented, they had all spent the summer on and off together, but this was probably the last big get together. 

“We should hang this.” You took the 4x6 frame Richie had just taken down and took out the signed picture from some celebrity and replaced it with the two polaroids. Immediately you hopped off the seat to hang it up where Richie had just spackled, taking a thumb tack that was stuck to the adjacent wall in your few steps over. 

“I just spackled that, c’mon!” Richie complained as you tacked the wall and placed the frame crookedly over it. 

“Blow me, Richie.” You said as you stared at the two polaroids. 

“We still have to paint, you know?” Carmy’s lips were pursed together but one side was slightly raised in humor. 

“We'll paint around it.” Your head tilted as you shared your solution, knowing it wasn’t a practical one. This restaurant meant something to each one of you in that picture, and sure, there were probably tons of pictures of different groups of you hanging up in this place before but this was different. This photo held a core memory, likely your last memory as a group. Because despite the restaurant being in the midst of chaos, clean up, and new beginnings, it was nice to see a point in life where none of that was needed. Where you were all together, enjoying the moment before everything went to shit. Richie or Carmy would have waited to hang it up until the place was renovated, when it was more practical, but not you.

[garbinge]

Tasteless

Richie Jeremovich x F!Reader Carmy Berzatto & F!Reader (Platonic) From these August Prompts:  “Tasteless" Word Count: 2.7k Warnings: Cursing, Angst, Kissing.

The Bear Taglist: @drabbles-mc @justreblogginfics @quixscentsposts @dadbodfanatic-x @adorable-punk-superheroes @lodeddiperrodrick @isalver @captainweasleybarnes @musicwithteeth Other fics from this universe

“Do you remember the first time we met?” The question was one sentence in the flow of conversation as you got out of Richie’s car to walk into the restaurant together. 

It had been weeks now of doing whatever you and Richie were doing. There wasn’t any label on it, no discussion of exclusivity, but you spent a lot of nights over there consecutively staying over and on the nights you didn’t, he stayed with you. You were having fun, whatever that meant. Honestly it was the first time in a while that your relationship–or person you were intimate with wasn’t an issue or causing an issue in your life. And not only that but it was providing you with genuine fun and happiness. Richie was a good time, not only in that way but in the way that he was honest with you, you felt safe with him, not only because you knew he’d protect you or stand up for you but because he never lied to you, you never had to wonder or worry what was going on with him. There was a million more things that made your time with Richie enjoyable and you honestly spent a lot of time thinking about it because, well, it made you happy. Your mind got brought back to the conversation when he spoke. 

“I remember when Carmy brought home some hyper enthusiastic friend.” He teased you as he placed a piece of paper in his mouth before grabbing his jacket to put on over his beef baseball tee. 

You rolled your eyes and grabbed the paper out of his mouth. “My brainstorming is not meant to be treated this way.” 

He adjusted his collar and closed his car door, placing the key in the handle to lock it before catching up with you. 

“I think the first time we met you told me to go fuck myself.” Richie tried to recollect back on the memory. 

“I did, because you were making fun of Carmy.” You nodded in agreeance and grabbed his coffee from him taking a large sip 

“I always made fun of Carmy. And give that back, don’t you have your own?” He reached over and grabbed the cup back from you causing a little to spill and just miss the paper full of all the blends of coffee you were thinking to experiment with. 

“And I always told you to go fuck yourself. Just like now, be careful! These are precious precious ideas!” You handed him back the coffee to protect the paper. 

“You wrote them on the back of a takeout flyer in my bed at 1AM because you couldn’t sleep.” Richie knew you were excited but he grounded you from getting ahead of yourself. 

“Oh yea by the way, happy hour at Elina’s this Thursday.” You flipped the paper over to show him as you walked by the side of the partially renovated restaurant to see Tina in the window cleaning it and offered a quick wave that Richie matched. 

As you both strolled into the restaurant and made your way to the kitchen you saw Carmy moving around the floor that had green tape on it and Gary holding a stopwatch. 

“Morning, fam.” You called out and shrugged your jacket off immediately. 

“OooOoOoOo” Gary called out seeing you and Richie walk in together. 

All you did was shake your head and push him slightly as you approached him, also in a way to tell him to move over so you could sit next to him on the old kitchen workspace. 

“What are we doing?”  You asked, letting your legs dangle back and forth. 

“Mapping out the kitchen for efficiency. Need to do this all in 5 seconds.” Carmy was running his hand through his hair before taking his sweater off. 

“What are we at?” Richie looked over at Gary and you looked over his shoulder at his stopwatch. 

“7 seconds.” Gary said, raising his brows. 

“You’re fucked.” Richie said while you simultaneously offered encouragement. “You can do it.” 

Carmy stared at the both of you while you both stared at each other. 

“I gotta take a fuckin’ break.” Carmy said, shaking his head and moving out to the front. 

“Carm!” You called out and jumped down to follow him through the saloon door. 

“Hm?” He asked and turned around. 

“I’ve got a list of potential blends, and honestly could use a second pair of eyes, like a good pair of eyes, that knows flavor combinations, and I know you’re busy with this and the menu and the whole restaurant so like if you’re busy that’s fine, you know?” It was a long winded statement and you were tripping over your words. When you had told Carmy about how instead of a coffee shop you were going to create your own coffee brand, his reaction surprised you. It brought you back to high school when you two would talk about your dreams and plans. He was happy. Supportive even. You remember him saying it was a great idea. 

“No, yes, let’s do that.” His attitude changed immediately. “Uh, is it tastings or?” 

“No, just want to pick your brain, honestly I could text you the list and you could just send me your thoughts when you can?” You wanted to be aware of his time and the fact that he was weeks to opening. 

“No, we should sit down and talk about it. You’re my best friend, you’ve been here helping me, I wanna help you, especially figuring out the best blends, you know. Um, tonight? We can stay late here and chat through stuff, we could even try some things if you want.” 

“Yea, alright. See you tonight.” You smiled and turned back to the kitchen where everyone was. “Thanks, Carm.” You turned around with your hand on the door to thank your best friend who was pulling his phone out of his pocket and just nodded with a smile. 

__________

The rest of the day was spent doing odd and end things for the renovation, there was a break where you took the L home to grab a couple things for your plans with Carmy later which is what led you here now. You still had some time before you figured Carmy would be back so you were sitting with Sugar, Richie, Fak, and Sydney discussing the options you had laid out. 

“I don’t know anything about coffee.” Fak said as he swirled around the one blend you had brewed in Sugar’s office as a taster. It was the idea you were excited the most about, you were nicknaming it the Chicago blend. It was the best regular coffee bean you could get your hands on, nothing added just a great fresh coffee bean and you aerated it, twice. It was you playing on The Chicago Bean and ‘The Windy City.” 

Fak took a sip, “I wish it had vanilla.”

“Fak, I love you, but pass the jar to someone else.” You said in a soft tone because you knew how Fak enjoyed his coffee, with enough sugar and vanilla flavored creamer to give a kid a sugar headache. 

Fak handed it over to Sydney who sniffed it and raised her eyebrows impressed by the simple smell and then took a small swig. 

“That’s light. With a smell like that I wasn’t expecting it to be light.” She said and tossed her head side to side. 

“I know, it’s so light that it’s almost tasteless, it needs something. I just don’t know what.” You watched as she passed it to Richie who didn’t hesitate to drink a big chug of it. 

“This is fuckin’ good and strong without having me think I’m drinking something that’s gonna shoot me to the moon.” He was ecstatic in how he was talking. It made you smile. 

“I’m not gonna try it but it smells good.” Sugar had the jar in her hand and was wafting it. “Maybe it’s fine the way it is?” She said tilting her smile up with a shrug. 

“It’ll come to me in time.” You reached your hand out and grabbed the jar back from her. 

“You got a name for it yet?” Syd stood up and asked you. 

“Carmy said something earlier that stuck with me and I don’t even think he realized it.” You said gathering up your stuff, too. 

You thought back to just earlier today when you two made plans. “You’re my best friend, you’ve been here helping me, I wanna help you, especially figuring out the best blends, you know.”

“So I’ve been stuck on the name Coffee Garden right, playing on Chicago’s whole “City in a garden” nickname, this place, it just raised me you know, it’s home. It felt right. But I think I’m gonna add Best Blends to the coffee grinds. Play on best friends, because you know you want the flavors to mix well together.” You explained your logic. 

Syd had a smile on her face understanding where Carmy shone through in your ideating. Now actually, that you were looking around everyone did. 

“Aright, alright, fuck all of you, let’s get back to whatever the fuck we were doing.” You brushed them all off and moved out to the front. 

At some point arguing had started between the group of you, more Sugar and Richie while you and Sydney just added in your two scents when needed and served more as mediators than anything else. 

Carmy’s voice alerted you when he asked what was going on and that’s when you saw her. Claire. You had known Carmy was going to see her again, it was inevitable, it was also a little hypocritical of you to be mad. You knew it was too much to balance, but yet here you were throwing more on his plate with your own stuff, but you couldn’t help but think that that was different. Maybe there was a little best friend privilege there and you knew there was also way more transparency. You knew Sydney needed him for things and you’d never even think of taking him away from that, tonight was the perfect example, you were going to tell Sydney to take as much time as she needed with Carm before you took your own time with him because you knew there was a lot still to be decided on. But with Claire, you knew he wasn’t telling her shit and she was going to be collateral, and while you weren’t sure who was going to pick up her broken pieces, you knew who was going to be picking up Carmy’s. 

Now Carmy was in the mix of yelling as everyone greeted Claire. Sugar first with a hug, followed by Sydney introducing herself while Richie whispered in Carmy’s ear before giving the girl his normal italian greeting all while you just stood there, staring at Carmy in hopes he would read your mind. 

Obviously that was no dice, so you smiled at Claire and moved forward to hug her. 

“Hey Claire.” Your arm moved around her for a brief few seconds as she raised an octave to greet you back. 

As you pulled out of the hug you noticed Richie was trying to make his point about the whole entire reason everyone was arguing and you went to step in until you heard Carmy. 

“Everybody, thank you for today. It was a great day. Go home. Goodnight.” 

You and Sydney practically made the same face. Syd’s was more laughable, her face had a smile on it as she accepted what was happening, her eyes rolled and she was pretty quick to grab her things and leave. Which left you standing there, a little in disbelief as you processed your best friend's words as Richie continued to argue with Carmy. 

“Richie.” You said cutting him off while staring off in a direction before zoning back in and placing your hand on his abdomen, “come on, let’s go.” 

You felt both Claire and Carmy’s eyes fall to your hand that was resting on Richie and then back up to the two of you.

Richie looked down at you and frowned, at first it was because he was frustrated you cut him off but then he saw your face. Your incredibly sad face. That made his own soften and his hand reached out for your shoulder as he instantly realized what was going on. 

“Alright, yea.” He shook his head yes as you both disconnected and you grabbed your things and started to make your way out the front door. 

“Goodnight.” You were barely able to speak up, but knew you couldn’t be in that room with Carmy without a burst of frustration tears coming out so you opted to step out while Richie grabbed his coat, said his goodbyes and was shortly behind you. 

Richie was lighting a cigarette up the minute he was outside and lightly jogged so he was caught up to you as you walked to his car. 

“I’m telling you that kid, he’s so fuckin’ annoying, I’m tryin’ my best here, right? They need amperage and I went to get amperage, but no one appreciates me, I’m tryna fuckin’ help, be proactive, but it’s what was I thinkin’, I think I’m the only one thinkin’!” He kept going on and on and you let him as your own thoughts bounced around in your head. You two were now getting into his car, letting the engine warm up while Richie kept shit talking. 

“And what happened to silverware with Syd and blends with you? Yelling at all of us to get out, like he didn’t just fuck you both over, and me, because he always fucks me over, it doesn’t matter that I’ve been here longer than anyone and know shit about shit, but still no one is showing anyone any fuckin’ respect.” 

“Richie.” You spoke quietly to get his attention, him mentioning what he noticed about you and Carmy grounded you back into reality. It was so different to have someone who noticed that shit and paid attention to how you were feeling. No one had done that before. Sure Carmy and you had years of history where he’d notice things were up and you’d check in but these last years really had none of that. 

Ironically, Richie hadn’t heard you so you said his name a couple more times until he stopped and looked over at you. 

“Thank you.” You said looking at him, straight into his blue eyes. 

There was probably more you could say, more to what you felt but there wasn’t anymore emotional capacity in your brain left to express it so for now, thank you would have to do. 

Richie’s brows slightly frowned as he shook his head. “I don’t know what you’re thankin’ me for, sweetheart.” 

“Just, everything. Thank you.” You tried to explain but after that sentence Richie didn’t need anymore detail, he nodded and opted to lean in and plant a kiss on your lips instead of saying anything else. His hand cupped your face to bring it closer to his as you both leaned over the middle console of his car. His breath tasted like coffee and cigarettes and strangely enough you loved it. 

As he pulled out of the kiss, he left his forehead to rest on yours, “you’re welcome.” 

It made you chuckle and as you did he planted one more peck to your lips before moving to put the car in drive. 

“C’mon, you can get your coffee lab running at my place and I’ll taste whatever you need me to.” He began to head towards his place putting the radio on low to drown out the silence in the car. “And for the record, that shit wasn’t tasteless, I think it just needs something minorly sweet like air rated vanilla or some shit to balance out the lightness.” 

Your head snapped to him, he might have mispronounced the process but he was right. 

“Fuckin’ Fak.” Your voice slipped back to its normal self thinking back to when everyone was in the kitchen. 

You both let out a small laugh. Richie raised his eyebrows and let out the same sentence as you. 

 “Fuckin’ Fak.”

[garbinge]

Soft Spot

Carmy Berzatto & Platonic!Reader Richie Jerimovich x Reader (Platonic here but pining) Mikey Berzatto & Platonic!Reader

Day 13 from these April Prompts: “I have a soft spot for plants.” 

Summary: Reader gets back home from visiting Carmy in NYC after fleeing her abusive ex. After feeling trauma and just empty and lost, she goes back to The Original Beef. A place that has some of her favorite people, the place she least expected to bring her comfort in the middle of darkness. 

Continuation from this fic. You don’t have to read to understand this but it helps build the character dynamics out!

A/N: This is one of my favorite little universe’s I’ve created in a while.   

Word Count: 3.0k words

Warnings: All my fics are 18+ regardless of content. Angst. Mentions of abuse and bruises. Angst. Threats. Trauma. Death. Guns. 

The Bear Taglist: @drabbles-mc​ @justreblogginfics​ 

Other fics from this universe

Standing outside The Beef in the middle of a Chicago winter brought back a similar memory to you standing outside The French Laundry. Cold. In more ways than one. Physically, sure. Winter months in both states were brutally freezing. But after everything you had just been through, it felt emotionally cold. You had wondered how you could get back to how things used to be when everything was different now. You thought it would be easy, that’s why you went to New York. But Carmy was different. It could’ve been the day he was having, or days, but coming straight off a flight from fleeing your ex’s house in a less than ideal state was making it foggy for you to see that. 

Carmy offered you a smile and a wave, his hug was half assed, one armed and less than a couple seconds. He did seem somewhat excited to see you, though, that healed you a bit. Overall, he was out of it, for someone who was so attentive to detail he was missing every cry for help you were letting out. Now, to be fair, you didn’t exactly come out and say it. You were struggling, but you weren’t stupid. Carmy flipped a switch. As you sat across from each other at 3AM in some shitty cafe after his kitchen shift at Noma sipping the shitty coffee you saw it in his eyes before he said anything. You asked about home, he mentioned something along the lines of not knowing much and not caring much. 

He noticed the bruise on your arm when you took your coat off. There was concern there, but you lied. It wasn’t your initial plan. Originally, you had planned to go out with him, hit the big apple together like you used to terrorize Chicago. If you had written down an itinerary it would have been something like 1. get drunk 2. Find some place that served alcohol into the early morning 3. Get more drunk 4. Have Carmy show you the best cheap food near his place. 5. Drink shitty coffee to attempt to sober up before the sun rose 6. Tell him about what happened. 

Only one of those things happened. And it was half assed. There was no alcohol in your system, so the shitty coffee was extra shitty. It made Carmy asking about the bruise even more painful. You don’t even remember the lie you told him, but you remember he believed it with no questions. That might’ve hurt the most. Not because you wanted him to care or because you needed him to handle it for you but because you saw how disconnected from it all he was. 

That leads you to feel frozen in front of The Beef, 3 days and two flights later. There was a worry that you would be met with the same distance that Carmy met you with earlier this week. If that was the case, you’d push ahead but you couldn’t help but think it’d change something in you permanently. 

You walked in, the intensity of the kitchen hit you immediately, it brought some sort of life to you, chippering you up a bit. 

“What d’ya got?” Richie’s voice was like music to your ears. His head was down as he wrote on the guest check. 

“One beef, hot and sweet, extra sauce. And a cup of your shitty cappuccino, please. 4 extra shots of espresso.” You waited with your hands in your coat pocket, a smile on your face knowing Richie would recognize that.

His head lifted up, his eyes meeting yours. It was that moment that you felt the most nervous. This was the moment that was gonna define how you handled everything moving forward. The pit in your stomach disappeared as the smile grew on his face. 

“One shitty cappuccino, 4 extra shots!” Richie yelled out, still not taking his eyes off you. 

The announcement of your order brought someone through the kitchen door quicker than you could imagine. 

“Tell me that’s not our girl!” Mikey’s voice was loud and exhilarated. If his smile wasn’t bringing out the best parts of your personality, the eagerness in his walk to embrace you was. He was in front of you, arms wide in seconds. His navy blue beef t-shirt smelled like giardiniera, meat, garlic, and week old cologne but it might have been the best thing you’ve ever smelled. It smelt like home. Your body collapsed into his hug, his arms wrapping around you like they were pulling you out from drowning in rapid waters. 

He picked up on it immediately, he tightened his grip on you a little more and placed a light kiss to the top of your head to offer you some sort of comfort. “What’s up, kid?” 

“It’s just really good to be home.” Your head moved in a nod as he cradled it. Mikey was like your own big brother, you had known him since you were 7, you spent a majority of your life at the Berzatto house. He teased you, he yelled at you, he stood up for you, he took you and Carmy to school, he got you both a shared graduation gift, he was a big part of your life. 

After a few seconds, you let go of him, careful to wipe your couple stray tears in a way that was inconspicuous to everyone around. 

“What the fuck are you doin’ back home?” Richie’s voice cut through as he moved to greet you. His cheek moved against yours as he kissed the air, the italian kiss was his go-to welcome, the irony in the fact that he had no drop of italian blood in him. 

“Things just–” you paused thinking of what it is you wanted to say. Even with all the nerves you had built up to just enter the restaurant there wasn’t a single second you spent thinking about what you planned to say. “They, uh–” Your head shook in protest of the sentence you were going to say. “I think I’m gonna be home for a while.” You nodded, finally agreeing with yourself on what to say. “Things just didn’t work out in Minneapolis.” 

“Well, yea, it’s fuckin’ Minneapolis.” Mikey quickly jumped in to save you from whatever the fuck was going on in your head. He wasn’t going to ask you, or pry it out of you. He knew you were an open book and when or if you were ready you’d talk about whatever you wanted. 

Your eyes closed as you laughed, finally letting yourself relax and just be back. 

“You’re tellin’ me, the town population was so fuckin’ small they had no town drunk so I made it my goal to fill that position.” 

The both of them laughed at your joke, “no, but seriously my bowling score is fucking immaculate.” 

Mikey threw his arm over you and brought you over to the counter and tapped on the stool for you to sit. “Ibra! One beef, hot and sweet, drench that shit!” His voice carried through the entire restaurant and kitchen. 

“On it, Mikey!” Ibra walked by the service hatch and yelled your name at the same octave. That’s when you heard Tina’s voice and then soon after her face popped up in the service hatch, followed by Gary, and the entire kitchen, everyone of them thrilled to see you after months away. 

“Bowling score?” Richie frowned as he placed a cup of black coffee in front of you. “I’m not making you that fancy Starbucks shit.” 

A scoff left your mouth as you sipped the black coffee. A face of approval came across your face as you sipped it. “Not bad.” Your eyebrows raised. “And yea, bowling score, it was the only thing to do out there. I’m surprised the population isn’t stupid high because besides bowling the only other option for entertainment is fuckin’.” 

Richie looked like he was waiting for you to finish your sentence, like you were using fuckin’ as a descriptor verse a verb. 

“No Richie, she means intercourse.” Mikey teased as he hopped up on the counter. 

“Sexual relations.” You added another equivalent of the word. 

“Mating!” Mikey pointed at you with the pen he normally kept behind his ear, hype that he had thought of another one. 

Your mouth moved from side to side as you thought quickly to respond back, like it was a new game between the two of you to play. “Oh! Oh!” The stool rattled as you jumped up and down eager to share your word. “Looooovemaaaaakingggg” You enunciated each syllable in the word, rolling your body to mock it even more. 

“Fornication.” Mikey smirked like a teenage boy as his head nodded in approval of the word. 

“Alright, I get it, fuck you.” Richie grabbed your coffee mug and finished off the black liquid in a way to get back at you. 

“Fuck you or like fuuuucccckkkkk you?” Your body rolled again to mock the man. It was hard to hold your laugh in, and the minute Mikey let out a hyena howl at your mockery you burst into the same giggles. 

“You two are children.” He was retreating back to the kitchen, an excuse to stop getting teased but also to grab your food. 

“Hey, I gotta go.” Mikey looked at the clock and jumped down from the counter. He grabbed his jacket that was hanging on the coat rack in the seated part of the restaurant. “You think you could do me a favor?” He stopped for a minute in front of you, jacket half on, like he had just remembered something. “Sugar brought this stupid fuckin’ plant over here for good luck or some shit a while ago, I don’t know. I barely water it, and I was thinkin’” He moved to the window and grabbed the plant with one hand, placing it on the counter before his hands grabbed the corners as he leaned on it. “I was thinkin’ maybe you could take it home.” 

You stared at the plant and then back at Mikey. He knew you were about to argue it. 

“Hey” His hands lifted up. “Just passin’ the fuckin’ luck around.” He placed a kiss on top of your head, similar to the one he greeted you with. “Alright, I’m outtie, but relax, stay here as long as you want, eat whatever you want, hang in the back, hang in the front,” Mikey waved his hand around before bringing it down to grip yours as they rested on the countertop. “I’m serious. You’re home here.” 

“Thanks Mikey.” You nodded, he offered your hand one more squeeze before yelling out his goodbyes and leaving. 

“Here.” Richie slide the foiled wrapped sandwich in front of you. “I had Ibra put french fries on the sandwich cause I know that’s how you like to eat that shit.” Richie was making himself busy with the soda machine, his way of trying to be nonchalant with you. 

Your lips curled slightly in gratitude. “Thanks Richie.” Standing up, you grabbed the plant in one hand, and sandwich in the other and turned to leave. Just 15 minutes here had brought you the comfort you needed. 

And in seconds it was completely gone. 

Frozen. Your feet were stuck, unable to move. The cold air from the open door hit your face and instead of knocking you out of whatever was happening, it just solidified it more. 

“Hey.” His voice was cold but his breath was hot and the fact you could feel it meant he was too close in proximity to you. “Figured you’d come home. Thought I’d drop by to see how you were since you left so suddenly.” 

Your ex being inside The Beef was the last thing you’d expected, but then you felt your reaction to it and that was actually more surprising. Back in Minneanapolis, where you had moved in with him 6 months ago, your responses were the opposite. Never holding out, you yelled, fought back, and then left.

No response. The feeling was comparable to feeling like a kid again, wishing you could just shut your eyes and disappear into a fantasy world. But when you reopened your eyes he was still there. 

“Man, whatever.” He rolled his eyes and as he did so they landed on the two items in your hand. He slammed them both out of your grip, the sound of the foil splattering on the ground happened first, shortly followed by the sound of the planter shattering. You looked down at the mess that unfolded at your feet. The dirt from the greenery buried them but they might as well have been planted into the cement. You caught a look at your hands which were shaking, this wasn’t you. You weren’t scared. You didn’t feel like this. You grew up alone, in Chicago. That should have been scary. Not this. 

“You’re gonna get the fuck outta my restaurant.” Richie was suddenly to your right and slightly in front of you. “I’m not gonna count to 5 like we’re in fuckin elementary school.” This was when you realized he had a gun in his hand. “You’re either gonna get the fuck out or I’m gonna shoot you in your nuts.” He turned his head and his gun when he said that. “It’s your choice, motherfucker. I’m the one with 6 witnesses to testify that you came in here and threatened one of my customers.” 

With a quick glance over your shoulder, you saw the entire kitchen staring through the serving hatch, your stare moved back to Richie, it was a shock that your eyes hadn’t fallen out of your head with how wide they were, but you were grateful because your hands were still shaking and the practicality of all of that was not ideal. The insanity that in this moment, that was the thought in your head currently. The practicality of your eyes falling out of your head. It was a good distraction, thinking about how you’d have to clean them from the dirt, letting your mind take you on this wild ride for what was likely less than a second before you were back in the real time moment in front of you. 

Your ex was moving backwards with his hands up, his steps too nonchalant for your liking but at least he was listening to Richie. He puckered up his lips as he reached the door, throwing you a smooch and a nod. Besides that it was so silent in the restaurant which is why it became immediately known that Richie had pulled the hammer back on the gun, loading the chamber with the bullet. 

In the next second, he was gone. The feeling in your feet came back almost right away and the feeling of being cold was whisked away by feeling intensely hot. You ripped your jacket off and threw it on the stool and bent down in a frantic attempt to clean up the mess. 

“Go back to your shit! We’re all good!” Richie called back to the kitchen before squatting down to help you clean. 

“Ay, ay, it’s okay.” Richie tried his best to calm you down. His towel was now in your hands as you gathered the dirt into a more concise pile ignoring his comments. His hand gripping yours felt like a jolt of lightning to your head. 

“Don’t fuckin’ touch me!” The grip he had on you was so light which made you yanking your arm back easy and super over exaggerated. 

“Woah,” Richie showed surrender as his eyebrows moved up in shock rather than in a frown. You fell into a sitting position on the floor, having your arms catch the tiny fall which is when Richie saw it. 

The bruise was a little less than a week old and it was a large dark purple splotch with yellow edges as it began to heal. The discolored mark on your skin was burning as Richie stared at it, his thoughts going through the process of understanding pretty much everything. Why you left Minneapolis, who that guy was, what he was doing.

“Did he fuckin’ do that to you?” He asked in a whisper. It was probably the quietest she had ever heard Richie speak. There was also a little grumble in his tone, maybe it was instinctual, maybe it was pure anger just boiling up inside of him. 

“Richie.” You said his name like it was a full sentence. There was so much being said with one word. If he didn’t get the point then, he did after the next word out of your mouth. “Please.” 

He nodded, taking a second before he stood up and was out of your eyesight. You assumed he went to blow off steam, maybe he didn’t listen to you at all and went after the guy, but within seconds, he was back in front of you, holding you a hand broom and more towels. 

He tossed you the towels as he swept up the dirt. Both of you cleaned in silence, throwing out the pieces of broken ceramic. At one point, Richie had thrown the ‘lucky’ plant into a to-go container, letting it sit next to you both as you cleaned. 

“Thanks.” You offered up another one word delivery. Richie paused his movements of mopping the floor with the cloth to look at you. “You know, for pointing the gun and everything.” His stare at you was like he had no idea what you were talking about. “For scaring the dickhead away with the gun, Richie. Thank you.” You repeated in a more obvious manner. 

“Oh yea, well,” There was a brief delay in his words, he was trying to think of what to say, his eyes were no longer on you and he was looking around the floor like he was going to find the answer there. Which ironically, he did. The lucky plant sat straight up in the tall clear to go container as Richie’s eyes fixated on it. 

“What can I say? I have a soft spot for plants.” 

[etherealising]

chapter six | didn’t i do it for you?

masterlist | ↢ previous chapter | next chapter ↣

pairing: carmen berzatto x fem!reader | platonic!richie jerimovich x fem!reader | platonic!natalie berzatto x fem!reader | platonic!neil fak x fem!reader

summary: carmy knows exactly what he wants regarding you, but past mistakes always come to rear their ugly heads

warning(s): angst | hurt slight comfort | slight fluff | semi-jealous carmy | mentions of substance abuse | mentions of overdose | mikey | mentions of suicide | implied miscarriage | language | self-destructive behavior | arguments | forced love confessions | carmy’s sad boi hours | actions having consequences | more barby lore | children | no use of y/n | afab reader |

wc: 10.9k

a/n: hi lovies, this chapter may be a bit heavier than previous ones so please take the warnings extra seriously. if you are triggered by any warning please do not read this chapter i’ll literally message you a summary of the chapter if you need it. i may have missed some warnings so if that’s the case i do apologize it was not intentional. lastly please remember YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN MEDIA COSUMPTION….enjoy 🩵

“You know, I-I don’t think my family meant to ruin it or anything like that, you know.”

Carmy was trying to be better, to be more open. And it was easiest at these Al-Anon meetings, no one knew him, and no one had any expectations of him.

“I-I don’t think they did it on purpose,” his hand subconsciously raised to the chain securely tucked under his crew neck, rubbing the metal through the fabric.

“I don-it’s not fair to blame them for everything,” a sardonic huff of laughter escaped Carmy as he thought of the words he was going to say. “I uh…I had a friend once…a best friend.”

“She was the first thing in life that I felt belonged to me,” Carmy frowned, having trouble articulating what he wanted to say. “And not li- I didn’t own her or anything, but she was my friend because she chose to be, not because she knew me through Mikey.”

“And then I…I fucked that relationship up myself…uhh and as I sat there trying to think of what provided amusement or joy in my life…I just thought of my childhood spent with her…by my side.” He cleared his throat forcing himself to remember that he would probably never interact with any of these people outside of these meetings.

Carmy’s hand dropped from its place where his covered chain sat, now gripping the armchair. “She’s uh she’s back in my life now and I…I want those things with her again I…I want to fix things with her, be the person she believes I am.”

Sydney’s curiosity the other day gave Carmy a lot to think about. He was so accustomed to looking at the picture above his stove daily, that he hadn’t even given it a second thought when he invited Sydney over. Her curiosity was understandable, the interactions you and Carmy shared hadn’t been the warmest but that Polaroid would suggest otherwise.

“Yeah. Anyway, I’m happy to be here.” Carmy sat straighter in his chair, if he could admit his wants albeit vaguely to a room of strangers, he could admit his feelings to you. “Thank you, guys. Thanks for letting me share.”

Then he saw you at the grocery store, comfortable in someone else’s arms. He wasn’t jealous, or at least he didn’t think he was. But reality slapped him in the face, so sure of himself that the two of you could pick up where you left off he didn’t stop to think that maybe you didn’t want that anymore.

And then like the idiot he was, he gave Claire your number. He wanted to believe it wasn’t on purpose, that he had memorized your number so well it was the first he thought of when asked.

Carmy left the meeting hoping Claire didn’t call the number he gave her, hoping that you would be open to rekindling whatever relationship was left between you two.

Your morning was off to a great start. Hayden surprised you with breakfast at the office and signed off on your article for The Bear as long as it didn’t get in the way of your work at The Tribune. The two of you even brainstormed the best way to go about telling the story.

Since your late-night grocery run with Hayden, the two of you had fallen back into the friendship you developed all those years ago. It felt good to be reconnected with him, and thankfully things weren’t awkward considering your past sexual history.

Neither of you admitted to it, but you both knew the opportunity to fall back into your old ways would soon present itself, you weren’t sure if it was an option you would take advantage of though. The two of you weren’t in college anymore and as pathetic as it sounded since your vulnerable conversation with Carmy the other day, your heart still held out hope that the two of you could build up the foundation for a romantic relationship.

Rounding the corner of Orleans Street you finally made it to your destination, happy to have taken in the fresh air mid-morning had to offer. You approached the door to the restaurant hoping someone would hear your knock and let you in.

You smiled as Sydney opened the door moving back to allow you in, you reached up to slide your headphones off as you greeted both her and Carmy.

“Good morning, is Nat in?” The text you received on the train ride over from the oldest Berzatto was pushed to the back of your mind until now.

The urgent ‘we need to talk,’ text had worried you at first, but you had rationalized that Nat could’ve been referring to anything.

“Uh yeah, she’s in the office.” You nodded at Syd giving her a small smile in thanks before turning to make your way to the back.

“Oh hey, do you like have a second or…” You stopped in your tracks turning back to face the two chefs looking between them curiously before nodding once more.

You smiled waiting for one of them to speak, “Uh yeah can we make this quick though I need to speak with Nat.” You did your best to sound nonchalant, the longer you stood out here the more your anxiety began to rise, mind racing with what Nat needed to speak with you about.

“Yeah yeah of course,” Sydney stepped away from the door moving near Carmy who had remained silent since your entrance. “We were thinking of sending Marcus to Copenhagen and I know you stayed there, not like in a weird way but because I read your articles you know.”

You nodded your head eyebrows raised as a signal for Sydney to continue. You did your best to ignore Carmy’s stare while Syd rambled on about their idea and how the trip would help to inspire Marcus.

“…So we were wondering if you had any suggestions?” Her raised eyebrows stared back at you.

“Sorry suggestions for what?” The confusion was easily readable on your face, Syd���s excitement at the prospect overwhelmed you.

You watched as the two chefs stared at you, Carmy’s signature blank stare and Syd’s slightly hurt reaction that you weren’t paying attention.

“Oh uh for accommodations…in Copenhagen.”

The question surprised you, eyes darting to Carmy before focusing back on Sydney. You knew Carmen spent time in Copenhagen, so the fact that they were asking you for suggestions seemed a bit redundant.

Albeit stunned by the questions you smiled moving towards where the two of them were sitting, memories of your month spent in Copenhagen playing in your mind like a movie. The trip was months before Mikey’s passing and now as you think about it, it felt like that was the last time you had fun, and lived life without the worry that so often filled you now.

A chuckle left your lips as you leaned against the counter looking from Syd to Carmy, “I uh I stayed with the chef I was profiling.” You bit your lip trying to contain the grin threatening to split your lips, “I still have his number I could call him if you want. He kind of owes me a favor anyway.”

Carmy’s arms fashioned themselves across his chest, a frown pulling at his eyebrows. There was so much he didn’t know about you including the fact that you had spent time in Europe with some mystery chef.

“Oh yeah? What uh-who was the chef you wrote about? Maybe I know him.” Carmy’s words surprised you, the look you exchanged with Sydney proved that he didn't come across as casual as he was trying to.

You raised from your position against the counter, “Chef Luca?” Your voice trailed off a bit before the smile you were trying to contain finally made its appearance, “He’s this amazing pastry chef, who’s so passionate about his craft it was like watching a master at work!”

Carmy watched as you gushed about his former colleague, annoyance clawing at his throat as he took notice of just how happy the memories made you.

“Luca even taught me how to make this crazy dessert he was still perfecting, I mean mine was nothing compared to his but it was honestly the most fun I’d had in so long.” You reminisced about your time spent with Luca, “Oh, and my peach cobbler? Yeah, he taught me the simple syr-.”

“No yeah, I’m familiar with him.” Both you and Sydney were pulled from your animated conversation; the tight smile on Carmy’s face alerted you of his irritation.

You nodded, feeling a little bad at your rambling, “Okay well I’ll just go see Nat now, let me know if you need me to make that call.” You drummed your hands against the counter before turning around to take your leave.

“Hey uh, Baby?” You turned your head before disappearing around the corner eyebrows raised as you looked at Carmy. “Do you think we could maybe talk later?” You watched as his hand came up to scratch the back of his neck.

Sydney watched the interaction play out between the two of you, a small smirk lining her lips as she watched how flustered Carmy got just by asking you a simple question.

Your lips tugged up into a small smile, “Sure thing Carm, I’ll come back when I’m done with Nat.”

Carmy was sure his heart was beating so loud Sydney could hear it, the nickname something he hadn’t heard spilled from your lips in so long. The small smile he briefly caught did wonders for his already lacking confidence, he was now sure more than ever that there was a chance to fix things with you.

You entered the office to see Natalie pouring over documents presumably to do with permits and money in regards to the restaurant. You took a step forward momentarily stopping at Nat’s voice.

“Close and lock the door behind you please,” The lack of eye contact was grating on your nerves, either Natalie was completely stressed about her role as project manager or you had yet again colossally fucked up.

You did as told not wanting to further irritate your very pregnant friend. The office was silent neither of you spoke up as Natalie finished looking over the latest paper she had picked up.

She looked exhausted and you felt horrible knowing you had potentially added more stress onto her already-loaded plate. Nat gave you a small smile though her eyes looked anything but happy.

“Cortez called me this morning,” Nat’s eyebrows raised as she pointedly stared at you. Your head fell back against the door a quiet ‘fuck’ mumbled into the air. “Said this was the third meeting you missed.”

Nat waited for you to return your attention to her, “I’m only going to ask you this once Baby, and I really need you to be honest with me.” Nat leaned forward in the chair, closing a bit of the space between you so you would hear her quiet voice, “Are you using again?”

You sighed leave it to Cortez to fucking snitch you out, you didn’t realize that being a snitch was a requirement if you were someone’s sponsor.

“Baby?” Your eyes connected with Nat’s the softness of her voice and the watery appearance in her eyes told you just how worried she was.

Your head shook back and forth rapidly as you raised your hand to massage your temples, “I’m not using Nat I promise. And I know that means jack shit coming from an addict but I promise I’m doing good.” You took a deep breath calming your budding agitation, you knew Nat was worried and it wasn’t her that you were annoyed at but yourself.

“I uh…I’ve been stuck on step eight since I joined this whole rebranding project, and I…I knew that Cortez would be persistent in me getting it done.” You grimaced at the fact that you had already missed three meetings, you hadn’t realized how far things had gotten, “It’s just things felt normal again and I guess I thought I could just pretend like everything was okay.”

Natalie nodded as she listened to your explanation, she hated it but there was always a part of her that would be apprehensive. She had seen the manipulation substance abuse breeds firsthand when she stayed with you in the hospital after your overdose, it hurt her to see you hurting. To sit back and watch as the withdrawal symptoms ate away at you as you would fiend for a fix that you took your pain out on her and Pete.

Nat quickly turned to where her purse was sitting pulling out a box the two of you were all too familiar with.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!” Your face scrunched up in anger, the emotion slowly residing as you watched Nat close her eyes and take a deep breath in. You felt like a complete asshole you knew Nat wasn’t doing this of her own volition and you had no one to blame but yourself for the predicament you were now in.

“Nat shit, I’m sorry you didn’t deserve that. But you really can’t expect me to take that here.” Your hand thrust out to the box that seemed to be taunting you.

“Baby you know the rules. I don’t like this as much anymore than you but when you just decide you don’t need to meet with your sponsor anymore, these are the measures we have to resort to.”

“Lead the way, Mom.” Natalie let out a small chuckle at your antics, thankful that you were being somewhat logical, “Wait is there a bag we can throw this away in, we can’t just leave the evidence in the bathroom.” The two of you turned to search through the office sure you would find a stray plastic bag lying somewhere.

You popped up, a plastic baggie securely in your grasp, “Does the toilet even work?” Nat shrugged, walking past you and making her way to the bathroom leaving you to follow behind.

“Aww yeah, party in the bathroom! Am I invited?” Nat stopped as Fak stood in front of the two of you hastily moving the bag behind her back doing her best to be inconspicuous.

“Sorry my love girls only, maybe next time,” Nat gave Fak a pat on the shoulder and her signature smile before maneuvering the two of you around him.

“Wait, is it that time of the month for us? Cause I think our cycles might be synced, I’ve been having the most insane cramps lately.” The words that left Fak’s mouth would never cease to surprise you.

“You know, I think you might be right Fak, my lower back has been killing me.” You indulged in Fak’s shenanigans, the man falling in line to walk with you as the two of you followed Natalie to the front.

Fak nodded along with you “No I’m like feeling it, should I invest in a heating pad?”

You snickered at Fak, “I usually just fill up a sock with rice and throw it in the microwave.” You shrugged like the conversation was a completely normal occurrence. “The first day is always the worst for me, my breasts get so tender.”

Fak raised his own hands to his chest cupping his pecs “Baby tell me about it, it’s just like one touch and I’m crying.” You could see Carmy’s confused look from your peripheral as your group finally made it to the bathroom.

“I could totally massage your breast Fak, but you would have to return the favor. It's only fair if you’re a part of the sisterhood.” You watched as Fak nodded his head rapidly, hands raising in the air and hovering in front of your breast.

“Wait, is this an actual thing?”

“Oh yeah me and Nat do it all the time, that’s actually why we’re going to the bathroom now.” Fak’s eyes darted to Nat before looking back at his hands inching closer to your breast.

“Wait no, I don’t want Carmy to be mad at me.” The two of you looked in Carmy’s direction, the man still watching just as confused as earlier.

You shrugged before turning back to Fak, “I can assure you Carmy would not give a single fuck if you touched my breast, Neil.”

The aforementioned man took in a gasp of breath before clearing his throat and slowly moving down the counter to get a better listen at what the hell the two of you were doing.

You, Nat, and Carmy waited to see what Fak’s next move would be, the smile raising to your face hard to keep under wraps, Fak was adorably easy to mess with.

Fak’s hands began to inch forward concentration clear as day on his face before a small shriek left his lips, “Baby I’m sorry, Carmy’s my best friend, I don’t think I can do this for you.”

You laughed at the disappointment in Fak’s voice, “Your loss babes, I know 16-year-old Fak would’ve killed for this moment.” Your hand raised to pat his cheek before you finally left his side and entered the bathroom as Nat held the door open for you.

“She was lying to you my love, we don’t massage each other's breasts.” With those last words, Nat shut the door on a disappointed Fak and a mildly annoyed Carmy.

Fak turned back to look at Carmy with an apology in his eyes, “I’m so sorry Carmy, teenage Fak was really fighting to come out right now but I know Baby’s your girl.”

Carmy frowned at Fak’s words, the irritation running through him at yours and Fak’s stupid antics. “She’s uh…she’s not my girl. Baby and I are just friends.”

Fak smiled widely in Carmy’s direction, “That’s great, you really should think about getting a girlfriend then, I just want you to be happy Carmy.” Fak began walking to the back to help move the appliances. Carmy let out a chuckle as he heard Fak mumble about missing his once-in-a-lifetime chance.

Carmy shook his head back and forth, having you back really was just like old times. He wouldn’t ever say anything out loud but Carmy was actually really glad he didn’t have to stand there and watch Fak fondle you.

“Pete said the two of you have a lunch date planned.” Your head shot up to Nat, the air had been a little stilted between the two of you since she had brandished the drug test.

A laugh bubbled out of you, “Doesn’t seem like the proper environment for a casual chat Nat.” You gestured to the dinghy bathroom you were in, emphasizing the urine sample sitting on the sink while the two of you awaited the results.

You watched the smile rise to Natalie’s lips, a somber look overcast on her face, “I’m not doing this because I want to Baby.” Nat’s voice took on a gravelly tone.

Natalie didn’t deserve this, she had already basically nursed you back to health once. And now here she and Pete were about to bring a life into this world, and here you were a grown adult still expecting everyone else to fix your problems. You knew Natalie didn’t need the stress and worry your life choices brought forth and if your overdose wasn’t a wake-up call enough, then Nat’s haggard appearance as you two stood in the bathroom sure was.

“I know and I apologize Nat. Really livin' up to my nickname aren’t I?” Nat chuckled listening to your apology. “There’s no excuse for my behavior. I know what’s expected of me I-”

Your words were cut off by the shrill ringing of your phone. The noise caused the two of you to jolt in the small bathroom. You quickly removed the device from your back pocket, it was a Chicago area code, but you already had everyone you knew here saved in your contacts.

“You gonna answer that?” Your eyes flashed to Nat, her eyebrows raised in question.

You took one last glance at the number trying to place it before clicking the power button and slipping it back into your pocket, “If it’s important they’ll leave a voicemail.”

“Anyway, I shouldn’t constantly depend on you to clean up my messes Nat, I don’t think I’ve been the best friend recently. And it should be you depending on me considering,” you waved your hand over her figure scared that if you spoke the word someone might hear. “I promise to do better Nat, I want to be around to help with the little gremlin.”

Nat raised her hand to wipe the few tears that were falling, making her way over to pull you into an embrace, “These damn hormones make me so emotional.”

You chuckled rubbing up and down Natalie’s back, “You’d be crying even if you weren’t compromised.”

The hug lasted up until the timer on Nat’s phone sounded, signaling the results were ready. The two of you pulled apart, with Nat sending you a reassuring smile.

It didn’t matter if you knew you hadn’t touched any substances since your hospitalization, you would always be nervous when it was time to read off the results. You waited with bated breath as Nat read over the testing stick, you would set up a meeting with Cortez as soon as you got the chance.

The sigh of relief Natalie let out stung you a bit, but you could understand her apprehension it wasn’t easy trusting a recovering addict.

“It’s negative Babes.” A sigh of relief left you.

A wide grin raising to your lips, “I told you so.” Nat rolled her eyes at the sing-song sound of your voice.

The two of you made quick work of cleaning up the bathroom, small talk about your future lunch with Pete floating around as you made sure all evidence was disposed of in the plastic bag.

Carmy watched as Sugar exited the bathroom the same drugstore bag from earlier in her hand. He sent a nod in her direction as she smiled at him before making her leave. Carmy was set to meet up with Syd in 30 minutes but he was hoping to speak with you before he took his leave, unsure if you would still be here later.

He returned his attention to the calendars with the timeline to open, checking off things that had already been taken care of and adding anything he wanted to double-check.

“You free to talk now, Carm?” He turned at the sound of your voice, a shy smile lining his cheeks as he took in the smile on your lips.

“Uh yeah, yeah if you’re free,” You nodded, coming to stand across from Carmy the old counter directly between you two.

Carmy’s eyes took in the sweater you were wearing, similar to the style in his but while his was a nice grey color, yours was a deep green. The familiarity of the crew neck finally dawned on him as he realized it was his crew neck you were wearing, the last time he saw it was the night he left you in his apartment all those months ago expecting to still see you there when he returned home.

It was silent as the two of you stared at each other, a giggle escaped your lips at the lost look on Carmy’s face. “What’d you wanna talk about Carmy?”

Carmy nodded trying to remove the memories from his mind, “I uh…I know I ruined our friendship and…and whatever was left of it.” He paused, eyes falling to the crew neck carefully wrapped around you, the memory of watching you get dressed after the shower you shared swimming around in his head, the extra pictures of the two of you tucked safely into his bedside drawer.

“Carm hey,” he watched as your knuckles knocked against the counter to bring him back to the present time.

“Yeah, I uh I just have a lot I think we should talk about Baby, and maybe the restaurant wasn’t the best place for it.” He reached up to scratch the back of his neck, nerves running haywire.

You nodded a serious look painted on your face, you were sure you knew what Carmen wanted to speak about but you also had secrets of your own you wanted to share with him.

“I…I want us to try and be friends again or at least be cordial with each other…if that’s not too much to ask.” Carmy huffs out a breath of laughter, eyes latching onto your figure in front of him.

He watches as you appear to be thinking, most likely retracing the path of your relationship through the years memories running through your head that he has absolutely no idea exists.

“Carmy, you’ve never not been my friend but a lot of your choices hurt m-.” Your phone rang again echoing off the walls in the front of the restaurant.

You gave Carmy a small smile before removing your phone, the number that’s calling you is the same one that called while you were in the bathroom with Nat earlier. You raise your finger to Carmy, gesturing that you need to take the call.

“Hello.” You wait as the other line stays quiet.

“Baby?”

You frown looking up at Carmy as he watches you hoping your call ends soon, “Uh I’m sorry who is this?”

“Oh, it’s me, uh…Claire. We lived down the street from each other as kids?” A gasp escaped your lips, surprised that she was calling you.

You move the phone from your mouth. Hand moving up to cover it as your eyes find Carmy’s “It’s Claire.” Your whisper takes a moment to register in his ears, too caught up in the bright smile on your face.

“Wow, it's so good to hear from you. Um, I hope I don’t sound rude but how exactly did you get my number?” You watched as Carmy ran a hand across his mouth, eyes wide your name slipped past his lips the dire need to get you off that call racing through him.

You held your finger up to him signaling to give you a moment, too wrapped up in miraculously connecting with an old friend.

“Oh um, this is going to sound weird. I uh…I ran into Carmy the other night at the grocery store and when I asked him for his number…this is the number he gave me.” You listened as Claire spoke, the smile quickly disappearing from your lips as your eyes found Carmy’s alarmed ones.

“Carmen gave you my number?” You watched the regret flash through his eyes.

“Mhm.”

“And claimed it was his?”

“Uh kinda yeah, it’s a bit weird but maybe he was just planning to call you or something.” A small laugh left your lips, if he hadn’t called you since he last saw you, you could bet he had no plans to ever call you.

“Yeah…fuckng bizarre.” You could feel the lump forming in your throat.

“Sorry if this is weird but do you think you could give me his number?” It felt like senior year all over again and you were the bridge between these two souls

An ironic smile rose to your lips as you stared directly at Carmy, the panic glaringly obvious in his eyes because he couldn’t hear Claire’s responses.

“Oh, Claire Bear I’m so sorry I haven’t spoken to Carmy in what’s it been?” You paused your glare on Carmy impenetrable.

“Five years, since high school graduation. I don’t even have his number.” The crack in your voice was evident to all who could hear, Carmy wished he could disappear at that moment.

“Oh no, is everything okay with you two?”

“You’re too sweet. You know how it is people change, they grow apart. I just think Carmy outgrew me.” It was becoming harder and harder to swallow your tears.

“Wow, I’m sorry to hear that Baby. But I heard you're back in Chicago, maybe we can catch up?”

“Claire I’d love that, hey before you go try Fak for Carmy’s number I’ve heard they’re extremely close now, have a great rest of your day!” You listened as Claire said her goodbyes quickly, hanging up and placing your phone back in its designated pocket.

It was silent as you raised your head to the ceiling, a disbelieving laugh escaped your lips as you felt the tears trace down your cheeks. You were getting fucking tired of crying.

“Baby hey, hey let me exp-,” Carmy’s pleas were cut short as both of your eyes shot to his now ringing phone on the counter. Neither of you needed to be a fucking genius to figure out who was ringing Carmy’s line.

“Answer quickly Carmen, your little girlfriend is calling.” You knew it was petty and you shouldn’t be upset with Claire for chasing after what she wanted, but for once you didn’t want to be the one fighting for scraps of Carmy’s affection.

You didn’t want to have to share.

His hand quickly shot out pressing the power button on the side silencing the ringing, taking the extra step and turning it face down as he watched you just stare at it.

“Baby I-,”

“Why are you the way you are?” You were tired of putting Carmy and his feelings ahead of yourself, tired of running yourself ragged to accommodate your feelings for a grown man who was too scared of the truth.

“I-” You took a deep breath to collect your thoughts. “I’m so hurt right now Carmen and I want to be angry, I want to be so fucking angry with you but I’m just hurt and exhausted, and I…I really don’t even want to waste my breath on you right now, but I’ve put up with a lot of your shit and I think I’m just done.” Carmy flinched at the sardonic laugh you let loose.

“It hurts Carmen…it hurts when the person you’ve been truly in love with for most of your life doesn’t even treat you like an option.” You ignored the sharp intake of breath that came from Carmen’s direction, surprised he even had the guts to listen to your rant.

The ringing in his ears along with your broken voice overwhelmed him.

“I have lived so much of my life for you and yeah I was stupid for that, but all I wanted was your happiness and all I wanted was happiness with you. I have given so much of myself to you Carmen I have lost pieces of u- of myself to you, Carmen.” The tears were raining down in full force.

It was one thing to cry when you were hurt but to cry out of anger and exhaustion would probably always be the worst feeling.

“All I wanted was for you to love me the way I loved you…the way I will continue loving you after today because the way I feel for you won’t just go away Carmen it will be stuck with me forever! What I lost to you will be stuck with me forever! And…and we spend this amazing weekend together and I accept that you can’t commit to me and I give you the benefit of the doubt because Mikey just died and you…fuck.” Your hand slammed against the counter top your thoughts all over the place.

“You take my number that you’ve had for a year and you give it to some girl that you had some stupid pathetic high school fucking crush on. I’m not even worth a fucking phone call to you Carmen! And I…I’m not even supposed to be here right now but you wouldn’t fucking know because your too much of a fucking coward to allow yourself to be loved to be happy!”

You could feel the oncoming migraine from how loud you were shouting, you did your best to ignore the gathering crowd, Nat and Richie at the forefront watching with worried glances, as Marcus Fak and the rest of the crew peaked through from the back.

A shuddering breath floated through your lips as you felt the lifetime of exhaustion catch up with you. “I almost gave you all of me Carmen. Please just leave me alone” The words escaped your throat in a hoarse whisper. You were so far gone that you couldn’t even see the look of heartbreak and despair marring Carmen’s features.

“Baby, hey!” Your eyes shot to Richie as he blocked your line of vision to Carmen's. Head shaking back and forth arms slowly reaching out before coming to rest on your biceps thumbs gently massaging into them. “Let’s take a break Baby calm down a bit yeah?” He nodded his head waiting for you to nod along before he led you to the back, making sure to block your view of Carmen.

You were shaking as the two of you made your way past Nat a whispered ‘I’m sorry’ leaving your lips as she was left to deal with the mess that was Carmy.

“Fuck!” The loud crashes of a heavy object slamming into the floor caused you to jump in Richie’s hold as he led you back into the office.

Little tremors shook through your body as Richie carefully guided you to sit in the lone office chair. Taking his position by your legs as he squatted in front of you, worry etched into his features at having never seen you react like that.

Your hands came to grip Richie's, the tear tracks on your face now dried, you were almost positive you had run out of tears to cry.

“I lost everything, Richie,” your voice was strained. “And I…I spared him because I knew he couldn’t handle it, you knew he couldn’t handle it…not after Mikey.”

Richie’s eyes squeezed closed as he raised your intertwined hands to his forehead, haunting memories of you forcing their way through. He dropped your hands delicately cupping your face to press a kiss on your forehead, “I know Baby.” The words were spoken softly against your skin.

The two of you sat in that position as you gained control of your ragged breathing.

“I’m a hypocrite, Rich,” you separated yourself from him, locking eyes. “I blamed Carmy for so much out there…but I’ve done something so unforgivable, I don’t think you’ll look at me the same.” You wanted to cry but the exhaustion ate away at you.

“Hey I’ve been through some shit Baby, we’ve been through some shit, nothing,” the firm grip on your chin reminded you of the lost soul who should’ve been in the room with you two. “Look at me when I’m talking to you. Nothing you say will change how I look at you.”

It was always weird to see Richie serious and the voice of reason, not that he didn’t have his moments, but seeing Rich without his signature smile made it feel like you had stripped him of something so personal.

“How bout this, Sug or I take you before you beat Carmy’s ass,” the sentence drew a small laugh out of you. “And then I’ll come over when I’m done here, pick up some dinner and we’ll have one of those nights like we used to when…when Mikey was still here.” You nodded your head not having enough energy to produce words.

Richie patted your knee rising to his full height as he headed to check on Sug and his idiot of a fucking cousin. “Oh hey, I’ll have Eva tonight, you don’t mind do you? She’s constantly on my ass about seeing her auntie Bebe.” Richie stood in the now open doorway awaiting your answer.

Your immediate response was yes, but you had to consider Tiff, unsure if she wanted her daughter around you considering your newly acquired title as recovering addict.

“I’d like that a lot, but I-I think you should get Tiff’s permission to bring Eva around me.” You knew your suggestion might upset Richie but it was for the best, and you would call Tiff yourself just to double-check.

“Hey no none of that shit, she’s my fucking kid too Baby.” The defensive tone in his voice immediately caused you to close your eyes, hands moving to massage your temples.

“Richie please, I just need you to do this for me okay? This isn’t about your parenting skills, Rich.” Richie watched you for a minute, the exhaustion noticeable.

He nodded sending you one last somber look before making his exit keen on chewing his little fucking asshole cousin a new one.

Richie could feel his anger rising in him as he walked past Marcus and Fak as they worked to remove appliances from the kitchen. He quickly sauntered toward the whispers of Sugar and Carmy becoming clearer as he finally made it to the front of the restaurant.

The first thing his eyes took notice of was the destroyed cash register lying in the middle of the floor, debris from the relic scattered across the room. Richie stood there taking in the scene, the two Berzatto siblings' conversation coming to a halt as Richie blew out a whistle, walking around the mess slowly clapping.

“You’re a real fucking piece of work Cousin,” Richie’s hand shot out to point in Carmy’s direction the younger man looking disheveled, the frown on his face almost comical.

Natalie felt her shoulders tense; she had known these two long enough to know nothing good would come out of this interaction. The fact that you were in the middle of all this would make whatever happened right now all the worse.

There were two things in the world Richie didn’t play about, little Eva; and you.

“Richie I don’t need your fucking bullshit right now.” Carmy moved to walk around the counter, hands fumbling in his pocket to get his cigarettes out, his focus on the door he was trying to escape through.

“You’re a piece of shit cousin.” Richie’s hands shot out to grip the collar of Carmy’s crew neck, shoving him into the counter.

Natalie’s shocked gasp of Richie’s name did nothing to tear the men away from each other.

“Get the fuck outta my face, Richie.” The shorter man shoved the man standing in front of him.

A rueful smile raised to Richie’s lips “That girl has bent over backward for your conceited ass time and time again, and you go and ruin the only good fucking thing you have going for yourself.” Richie’s hand raised thumb and middle finger moving to flick Carmy between the brows.

“You’re the last person that gets to talk to me about fucking ruining good things in my life.” Carmy’s free hand moved to swat at Richie’s.

“That empty fucking head of yours is so far up your ass you can’t see what the fucks been in front of you this whole time.

“Yo fuck you, Richie!”

The two loud voices echoed throughout the restaurant as the angry men tried to outyell each other.

“No you fucking listen to me! You don’t know what the fuck that girls been through. Where the fuck were you when shit went down Carmen! Huh!” Richie shoved Carmy again, the anger he felt for you pouring through him.

“Why the fuck weren’t you there for her whe-.”

“Richie!” Natalie’s stern voice caused Richie to harness some of his anger. “No.” The subtle shake of her head stopped his sentence mid-thought.

“You’re worse than the shit on the bottom of my shoe, and you don’t deserve to touch one pretty little hair on that girl’s head. And if I ever have to listen to her cry over you, watch her hurt over you again, you’re gonna wish Mikey was still here to save your ass.” Richie’s hand shot out to slap against the side of Carmen’s head, “Fucking bum.”

He removed himself from Carmy’s space, hands immediately raising as he faced Nat’s exhausted stare. “Sug I’m sorry, but get Baby home will you? I gotta finish up shit round here.”

Richie left the two Berzatto siblings to stand in the now quiet front of the restaurant, the sooner he finished his shit here, the sooner he and Eva could spend the evening with you.

Natalie looked at her younger brother scared of how this sequence of events would affect him. She took a step forward hand reaching out to Carmy before dropping it, “Hey, you okay?” The two siblings stood in silence, one worried about the well-being of her remaining brother.

And the other was trying to collect his racing thoughts, too many zooming through for him to even land on one.

“Where are we with the permits?” To Carmy’s ears, it sounded like he was underwater, his voice muffled, barely loud enough to be heard.

“Carm-.” Nat’s words were cut off with no chance of consoling him.

“Just get her home Nat and get back to me on those permits please.” Natalie watched as Carmy collected his phone and jacket, an unfocused wave of his hand sent in her direction before making his way through the exit, disappearing to who knows where.

Natalie watched as the front door latched shut, she couldn’t help but feel guilty for pushing you into this environment. If she had just let you re-acclimate yourself on your own time, maybe this situation could’ve been avoided.

Her hand fell to her stomach, eyes following suit, “Welcome to the family little one.”

The sound of your doorbell constantly ringing tore your stare away from the bottle sitting on your coffee table. You sat still for a minute before remembering the plans you made with Richie earlier in the day, your eyes shooting to the bottle before you quickly moved to hide it behind one of the couch pillows.

Since Natalie dropped you off earlier you had gone back and forth with the idea of finally coming clean to Richie. Your decision was led by your emotions from earlier in the day, but after finding the bottle of champagne you received in The Tribune’s welcome basket shoved in the back of your pantry, you were sorely rethinking your decision.

You adjusted the pillow to disguise any misshapen lumps before hurrying to the door to greet your guest. Hoping the forced smile was enough you opened the door feeling the once-fake smile begin to settle into a genuine one as you took in the father-daughter duo on your porch.

“Auntie Bebe!” You laughed, a lump forming in your throat at how big the young girl seemed to have gotten.

“Little E is that you?” Eva giggled at the exaggerated gasp you let out before throwing herself against your legs squeezing you tight.

She unlatched herself from you before gripping your hand and moving into the house, “Daddy bought us pizza!”

“Hey, Eva take your shoes off.” Richie gave you a small smile as he scolded the little girl, her huff of annoyance not going unnoticed by the two of you.

Richie finally walked through the door shutting and locking it behind him staring at you as he waited for instructions, “Hey E go ahead to the living room and pick out something to watch okay? I’m gonna help your dad real quick.”

You were rewarded with her adorable smile as she ran in the direction you pointed her to. You turned back to Richie taking the two pizza boxes from his hand to allow him to remove his shoes and jacket.

The two of you made your way to the kitchen setting the boxes down on your island with a clear view of Eva scrolling through your tv. You maneuvered around the kitchen for plates before brandishing them to Richie, eyes caught on Eva’s small figure in your living room.

“She’s gotten so big,” the tears you thought had run out earlier were once again making their appearance.

Richie’s head turned to you, “Aww Baby look at you ready to cry and shit, you just saw her a year ago.”

You listened to Richie’s intoxicating laugh, trying your best to find the humor in his words. The notion was hard though when the last memory you could’ve had of the sweet little girl waiting for the two of you in the living room was holding her at a funeral that could have just as easily been yours.

“You coming Baby?” Richie’s raised brows were aimed at you, he had already made his way to the living room setting the smaller plate in front of Eva.

You cleared your throat nodding your head with a forced smile on your lips. It was settled, Richie had every right to know that there could have been a universe where he had to survive without Mikey and you.

Eva was cuddled into your side as your fingers stoked through her blonde locks, her smaller hand playing with the rings on your free hand. The two of you sat staring at the paused episode of ‘The Dragon Prince’ waiting for Richie to return from the bathroom.

Sitting with Eva in your living room made your heart heavy with what could’ve been. A small sad smile traced your lips as you leaned forward to plant a soft kiss on the crown of her head.

Eva’s head turned to yours, her tongue poking out at you as you returned the gesture, the two of you going back and forth making silly faces at each other before she released a small yawn. You watched as her small hand rose to gently run her little fingers across the scars on your face.

“Auntie Bebe?” You made a small noise to let her know you were listening. “Are you going to die?”

Your brows pinched together, Eva’s hand prodded at the scar between your eyebrows that was now more prominent, “Hey hey, where is this coming from?”

Her hand lowered to her lap as she turned her attention back to your ring-clad hand. “Mommy said you were sick…like Uncle Mikey…and that you tried to be with him.”

The ache in your chest was instant, you knew Tiff had tried to explain why you hadn’t visited but you didn’t know Eva had such an understanding of everything.

She raised your hand so it was in front of the two of you, little fingers dancing across yours, “And Uncle Mikey left us 'cause he was sick and I don’t want you to leave to Bebe.”

“Little E, look at me,” you waited as she adjusted next to you small body, cuddling into you more as her face turned to you. “I was sick…just like Uncle Mikey, but I’m doing a lot better now. And I got hurt, that’s why I have these scars on my face but a lot of good people helped me, like Auntie Nat, and even your mom.”

You stopped allowing the child to digest your words, you were trying to explain things in the simplest terms, and the small girl next to you didn’t need to know any of the details. “As much as I miss Uncle Mikey I could never leave behind my Little E.”

Eva shrieked as you moved forward to tickle her doing your best to make a very tough conversation end on a light note for the sweet little girl who brought joy to your world.

“How about some ice cream, yeah?” You watched as the small girl nodded up and down excitedly, her arms coming up to wrap around your neck as she planted a small kiss on your cheek.

“I missed you, Auntie Bebe.”

Your hand reached out to ruffle the girl's hair, “I missed you too Little E.” She removed herself from around you laying across the empty couch cushions.

You let out a little laugh before grabbing the empty plates and moving to the kitchen to get Eva her ice cream. You jumped at the sight of Richie leaning against the island in your kitchen arms crossed against his chest.

“Why are you standing in my kitchen like a fucking weirdo Richie,” you laughed moving to place the plates in the sink before grabbing a bowl for the ice cream. “Eva’s okay to have ice cream right, I know it's a little late bu-”

“What the hell was Eva talking about Baby,” you looked over your shoulder Richie’s stern eyes focused on you eyes piercing through you as opposed to at you.

You sat the bowl and ice cream on the island before searching for your ice cream scooper, the silence droning on as you began scooping out ice cream for Eva.

“I fucked up Richie,” you finally looked up to Richie eyes wet with tears as you watched him tightly shut his eyes and begin shaking his head back and forth. Not prepared for what he was about to hear.

You quickly finished with ice cream, returning everything to its location and dropping the scoop in the sink before grabbing a spoon. You made your way to Eva sending her a small smile as you handed the bowl to her, “I need to talk to your daddy okay? Go ahead and finish watching without us mamas.” Your words went in one ear and out the other, her attention fully on the treat in her hands. You gave her one last smile before braving yourself for what the kitchen had in store for you.

“I uh…I was in a bad place after Chicago we had just buried Mikey and then…the hospital happened,” you stopped taking a deep breath to get through this conversation. “I should’ve come home Richie I-.” You couldn’t get the words out your throat felt like it was constricting. It felt as though if you tried confessing you would choke on the words before you could even come clean to Richie.

Richie sat next to you at your small circular dining table chair turned towards you, eyes flicking to Eva’s figure every few seconds to make sure she was okay. Richie wasn’t even sure he wanted you to continue, but a huge part of him needed to know what you went through, he thought he had already seen you at your lowest point but the gravity of your words assured him that was nothing compared to the confession you were about to lay at his feet.

“I overdosed Rich.” Richie froze having thought he hadn’t heard you correctly for a second but as he watched the despair take over your face, he knew he heard you right.

His hand came up to wipe across his mouth, the reality of your words barely setting in. “Baby no, no, no, no.” The laugh that accompanied his words morphed into a silent sob as he tucked his head into his hands.

You swallowed your cry fighting to escape as you turned to make sure Eva was still okay, a reprieve from the hard conversation you were having.

You moved from your chair standing in front of Richie so you could console him, his arms wrapped around your waist as his head settled against your stomach, the shaking of his body proof to you that cries were still wracking his body.

The silent sobs turned into quiet cries, his hands gripping the extra fabric of your shirt at the waist. Your tears could no longer be held back bending at the waist you rested your forehead against the back of Richie’s head.

While Richie was crying over the sister he almost lost; you cried over the lives you ruined.

“Auntie Bebe I finished my ice cream!” You took in a deep breath against Richie’s head moving your own from its previous position.

You moved to step out of Richie’s grip, his hands tightening around your shirt tears seeping through to dampen your skin. “I gotta help E, I promise I’ll be back Richie.”

The breath you took in choked you as you had to pry Richie’s clenched fingers out of the fabric of your shirt. You quickly wiped your cheeks before making your way over to Eva grabbing the bowl from her hands and sending her a forced smile.

“Can I spend the night Bebe?” The hope in her eyes made your chest heave.

“How about I call your mom tomorrow and we arrange something for another time, is that okay with you?” Your hands brushed across her forehead, clearing the hair from her face.

She pouted, sinking into the couch cushion, “E, hey you can come visit me whenever, but tonight just isn’t a good night for a sleepover.”

You watched as her eyes began to water, “But what if you try to leave again?” You hadn’t realized how intuitive children could be at times, you bent down to make yourself eye level with Eva.

“Listen, mamas, I’m just a phone call away okay? Anytime you’re scared I might be gone just ask your mom or dad to call me and I’ll answer every time, I promise.” Everyone knew making promises to children was a slippery slope, but you intended on keeping this promise with every ounce of your being, it was time for you to start taking some responsibility.

Eva nodded her head throwing her little arms around your neck and gracing you with a hug you weren’t aware you needed. You gave a small kiss to her temple before pulling away and setting the empty bowl on your coffee table.

“How about you lay down okay? Your dad and I might be awhile,” She nodded, moving and leaning against the pillow, her sudden weight revealing the champagne bottle you had hidden behind it, you quickly covered her with the throw blanket on your couch before picking up the bowl and bottle and making your way back to the kitchen.

You gently placed the bowl in the sink before making your way over to Richie whose head was still in his hands. His eyes found yours as he heard you take your seat, before skating across the unopened bottle you had set between the two of you.

“I’ve been sober for five months now,” watching Richie’s bloodshot eyes slowly blink at you as he drank your every word in felt like a knife being continuously shoved through your chest. “No drugs, no alcohol.” Your voice trailed off, this was the first time you had admitted your shortcomings by choice.

“Ho-How’d it happen?” Your eyes focused on Richie’s Adam’s apple as it bobbed up and down, his face pinching together like asking that simple question was equivalent to swallowing glass.

“I uh don’t know the full story, just what the doctors told Nat and me,” you could see the hurt on his face that Nat was already privy to the information. “I didn’t tell her by choice, uh after my mom died my family kind of distanced themselves from me and so N-Nat became my power of attorney.”

He nodded his head, unfocused eyes floating around your kitchen, “Can you tell me?”

A tired sigh left you “Rich I don’t thi-,”

“I need to know Baby, please.” His hand shot out to grip yours, desperation you had never before seen seeping from his eyes.

You cleared your throat taking in a deep breath, “When I left Chicago, I just felt so…alone. It was like everywhere I looked there was either a reminder of Mikey or a reminder of…of what we lost.” Richie’s free hand returned to swipe across his mouth, eyes everywhere but you.

“The pills were prescription I…I can’t remember when I started taking them or when the dependency started but I-I know the alcohol started first. I deluded myself into thinking that I could do what Mikey couldn't…that I could numb the pain and function at the same time.

“It was like that for a while and then it just gradually got worse until I ended up hospitalized with no recollection of how I even got there and…and Natalie just crying and staring at me and the thing is I had heard those cries from her once before.” The same cries you listened to as she revealed Mikey’s fate to you.

“Um, the story is that I had been mixing drugs and alcohol which yeah I was. But that day I guess it finally went too far, for some reason I was trying to get to my patio and I guess I couldn’t figure out the door, I just…repeatedly threw myself into the glass until it shattered.” Your free hand moved unconsciously to pick at the scar lining the right side of your jaw, Richie’s hand quickly snatching it away urging you to continue your story.

“Wasn’t done yet though was I,” you looked at Richie expecting a chuckle out of him but the stoic look in his eyes told you he wasn’t in the mood for half-baked jokes. “I took two more pills and stumbled bloody through my apartment before making it out of my door and collapsing in a pool of my blood and vomit. A neighbor found me and called the ambulance.” You were glad you had no recollections of what would’ve been your final moments.

The silence in the kitchen was heavy, the words you had shared between the two of you more than anything Richie could have ever prepared himself for.

“Baby why…why didn’t you call me?” Richie’s hand covered his mouth in a fist as another cry escaped his lips wide teary eyes finally focused on yours.

“I didn’t want you to be disappointed in me.” Richie could feel his heart breaking as he listened to the crack in your voice as you spoke, you had been so scared to disappoint him that you had hidden a part of yourself for him for so long.

“How long have you been in Chicago? You avoided Richie’s gaze, not brave enough to see the look of hurt and betrayal.

“I spent a month in Wisconsin at a treatment facility, I’ve been in Chicago since December.”

“And Tiff knew about this?”

“Yeah…uh she kind of forced it out of Natalie, I guess Eva kept asking about me.” You watched as Richie’s head slowly nodded as he carefully let your words play in his head.

Richie leaned forward in his chair, elbows coming to rest on his knees as his clasped hands rested against his mouth.

“I’m not disappointed in you Baby,” Richie’s eyes rose to yours. “But I’m real fuckin hurt and the shit you just laid on me was a lot to take in but I…I want to understand and I want to be here for you.”

The tears that had subsided were now back pouring down your face in droves, “I’m so sorry Richie, I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. But I promise you I’m trying to be better, I will be better. I don’t think I'll get another shot at this after this one.”

Richie stood from his chair pulling you up with him, immediately tugging you into his chest hugging you tightly under the ambient kitchen lighting. He knew his hugs would never match up to Mikey’s, that his role in your life would never compare to Mikey's. But he loved you so much and learning that you had fallen victim to the same poison as Mikey made him feel like an utter failure.

Richie tilted his head down planting a kiss on the crown of your head, the saltiness of his tears passing over his lips.

What purpose did he have if he couldn’t even keep his last promise to Mikey?

Carmen’s day had come to an end hours ago but he just couldn’t get himself to fall asleep, all the words you had said to him playing over and over again in his head.

He had been so caught up in your argument that he blew his food-hopping plans off with Syd, and couldn’t even get himself to return any of the many missed phone calls he received from the number he knew to be Claire’s

Not that he even wanted to but he felt the girl deserved a proper explanation.

After leaving the restaurant and wandering the Chicago streets he found himself back where his life seemed to begin and end. Pouring what was left of him into helping the rest of the crew start the gut on the restaurant. He wasn’t proud that he let his emotions regarding your situation get the best of him, leading to an unnecessary and petty argument with Sydney. But he knew the two of them would work their issues out.

He couldn’t be sure that the same could be said for the two of you though.

The journal he had started a year ago sat open in his lap, the Polaroid he used to keep his place gently rested on his bedside table, the small lamp illuminated the two of you staring at each other eyes full of love as you wore matching smiles.

A teardrop landed on the ink-stained pages of his journal. The words he wanted to say to you easily poured out of him when he sat down to write to you. The journal began as a way for him to express what he felt for you, but as the months went on and the writing became a part of his routine they turned into letters to you he’d never have the guts to send.

His hand came up to swipe across his face before reaching for the pristine Polaroid and neatly tucking it between the designated pages. The journal was then safely placed in his bedside drawer. He knew he needed to give you space, he just wasn’t sure if there had ever been a future written in the stars for the two of you.

Picking up his phone he opened it to your newly saved contact, the need to hear your voice spilling more tears from his eyes. Your voice rang through his head as he thought about your words from earlier, Carmy couldn’t lie, he knew you loved him and had known for a while but hearing you say it aloud had finally awoken that part in him that would allow himself the pleasure of loving you back.

He couldn’t do it, couldn’t get himself to call you. A sob ripped through him as he locked his phone and set it down, the hope he had earlier to work things out with you was now gone, and he had no one left to blame but himself.

Carmy laid back in bed, eyes blankly staring at the ceiling, one arm bent at a right angle to support his head. He had really and truly ruined whatever relationship was left between you two.

Carmy’s hand dipped into the collar of his tank top, gripping the small pendant he found dangling from his chain after returning home from his shift the night you made your departure from his New York apartment.

His fingers had gotten used to tracing over the initial of your first name that he proudly wore around his neck. The closest thing he even had to you now.

Carmy’s eyes watered as he raised the initial pendant to his lips, a lingering kiss pressed into it, and a whispered “I love you,” filtered through the quiet of his room.

tag list: @saturnheart @r0s3mm @wheredidmycrowngo @hawkins-2000 @elliesbabygirl @allbark-no-bite @anakinswh0re3005 @thecraziestcrayon @fruitcupsworld @nishinoyahhh @lilylovelyxo @ridingthehotmessexpress @noas-ark @jadeittic @hellokittyever @luvr-bunnyy @sxgees @kravitzwhore @chanluuvr @readingwiththereids @chims-kookies @ladygrey03 @ferida-kahlo @wanderlustnightwanderer @how2besalty @armydrcamers @jointherebellion215 @blkbxrbie-esther @ajordan2020 @head-slut-in-charge @magnet-girl @thebookwormlife @sevikasblackgf @writers-hes @senassn @bunnysthngs @gabbycoady13 @randomhoex @mattmurdocksstarlight @shinebright2000 @royalestrellas @jam1esl0v4 @globetrotter28 @dankfarrick29 @flowersgirl02 @beingalive1 @fairytale07 @smoooore @ghost-timelord @xxxstormyninixxx

so i’ve reached the limit of people i can mention in a single post, i apologize if you asked to be tagged and were left off it was not intentional. i’m gonna figure something out to try and fix this…sorry : (

[thatone-brightstar]

✨amy's ultimate "the bear" masterlist ✨

last masterlist i promise lol

one shots. Cigarette smoke & spices. Paint stained kisses. Purpose. (Richie Jerimovich X Platonic Fem!Reader) kinktober alphabet blurbs + winning one shot someone i saw in a dream once... (xmas special)

The Bear & The Fox (series) Part I: The Bear & The Fox. some TB&TF bts! Part II: Before You. Part III finale: More than all the stars.(WIP)

Blurbs n' thoughts scream mask carmy sensitive to sound failed lap dance calling carmy daddy pretty moans indoor picnic

[etherealising]

interlude two | anyone who had a heart

masterlist | ↢ previous chapter | next chapter ↣ |

pairing: carmy x fem!reader | platonic!richie jerimovich x fem!reader | carmen berzatto x his delusions | carmen berzatto x self-sabotage | fem!reader x weakness for short slutty men with blue eyes | fem!reader x slutty gold chains | fem!reader x BEING FUCKING WEAK FOR SMARMY CARMY |

summary: the devastion of mikey's passing pushes baby into the arms of the man she loves the most.

warning(s): death | grief | funeral | refusal to grieve | denial | kinda delusional behavior | unhealthy coping mechanisms | angst | fluff | longing | mutual pining | idiots in love | love drunk carmy | probably ooc!carmy | wise willie | zero accuracy regarding new york | baby letting men pump and dump her | SMUT | P IN V | UNPROTECTED SEX | SOFT!DOM READER | VANILLA SEX | EMOTIONAL TENDER SEX |

wc: 17.3k

edited to the best of my abilities. if things don't make sense i apologize!

March 1, 2022

The rain rhythmically bounced off the umbrella in Richie’s hand. Both of you huddled under the slightly too-small object, the majority of your bodies dry, but each of you felt your fair share of rain land squarely on you. The child in front of you, dry as a desert, her small stature an advantage.

All that could be heard was nature's tears singing against the various umbrellas and the voice of the priest that seemed to just drone on and on.

Donna’s cry’s had been relegated to silent sobs just moments ago, you watched as Nat put her own hurt and discomfort aside to assuage Donna’s nerves.

You had all but ignored the empty seat situated next to Natalie, not wanting to believe the truth of the situation. As you stared at the coffin resting several feet in front of you, you couldn’t help but wonder what the cold lifeless body lying inside looked like. You knew there was only so much that could be done to make a body with a hole in its head presentable, and that a closed-casket funeral was for the best.

It was selfish, but you wanted one last look at Mikey. Did he look peaceful? Was he finally freed from the vices that had for so long controlled him? You so hoped that wherever he was, wherever his soul found its spiritual comforts he was at peace.

A tug on the sleeve of your coat drew your attention. Looking down your eyes met Eva's, the little girl insisted on standing with you, her small toddler hand securely wrapped in your adult one. It felt a little odd to be standing here like this, a buffer between a family that was no more, while also serving as the memory of one family’s missing piece.

She raised her arms in a signal to be picked up. Funerals were no place for children to be, but what good was lying to them about the realities of life? You gently lifted her into your arms sitting her on your hip comfortably. Eva’s small head rested against yours playing with the pearls around your neck, the small girl could only understand so much of what was going on around her.

You felt Tiff step closer to you, arm wrapping around your waist so she leaned into Eva’s back. The comfort of the small family surrounding you keeps you grounded to the moment in front of you, not allowing your mind to think of the pain Mikey must’ve been in, or the voicemail that had gone unchecked for the past week.

Funerals were a funny thing for you, the last one you attended was your mom’s. And it wasn’t a competition, but her death was easier. That’s the thing with terminal illness; death is inevitable. You would never be prepared for any death in your life, but it was a bit easier knowing your mom didn’t have a fighting chance. Her decision to leave this realm behind was harder, but knowing her passing was painless and of her own volition helped.

But Mikey’s death was different. It was sudden, unexpected, and messy and it wasn’t the death Michael deserved. But what made it all the worse for you is that he was utterly and terribly alone.

And it wasn’t like anyone wasn’t privy to his substance abuse, but none of you knew the depths to which it ate away at him, how it slowly killed him and he kept pushing on for the sake of others.

Maybe you should’ve asked him more about how he was doing when you interviewed him. Maybe you shouldn’t have sent him a portion of your article. Standing at the cemetery as the funeral continued, even with little Eva cuddling into you and Tiff and Richie surrounding you; you couldn’t help but let your mind wander to all the things you could’ve done to save Mikey from himself.

Eva was asleep against your chest as you made your way to the fresh grave, Tiff in front of you and Richie closely behind doing his best to cover your small group with the umbrella. The rain hadn’t let up as you raised your dirt-filled hand over the pristine casket, this didn’t feel right at all. You had yet to cry since Sugar called you days ago with the news, it felt as though you were numb to the truth. Maybe it was your mind's way of protecting you.

But as long as the casket remained closed, and you never got one last peek at the man who had taught you that you deserved more than what you settled for. You could pretend for just a little longer that none of this was real.

Releasing your grip on the dirt you watched as it splashed across the top of the casket mixing with the droplets of rain. You hesitated for a minute turning your back on this casket felt too final, like leaving this cemetery would be closing a door in your life you were desperate to keep open.

Richie’s free hand came up to your shoulder, a soft squeeze pressed into your jacket. You looked back at him the same hurt and pain you were feeling reflected on his face. He gave you a small nod as a way to let you know that it was okay to walk away, that he understood the hurt you were feeling.

As Tiff walked off to her car, you held Eva in one hand and allowed Richie to grip your other. The warm grasp of his hand gave you the strength to turn your back and walk away from a man whose love, charisma, and smile you would never be blessed to see or experience again.

March 12, 2022

Carmy sat on his lawn chair watching the rain splash against the window that led to his balcony, the funeral program rested lazily on his lap held in place by his pack of cigarettes and lighter. He didn’t realize it but this had been his routine since he learned of his brother's passing.

He would come home not even bothering to change out of his work clothes and plop down in the creaky lawn chair, usually on his balcony but recently the weather hadn’t been calm enough for that.

Light up a cigarette and just bask in his despair.

The only difference had been the program he received in the mail a week ago. The newly acquired folded paper joined his after-work routine for the day after being left on the island in his kitchen since receiving it. 

Carmy wasn’t sure if he was angry at Mikey for choosing death, or if he was more hurt by what they would never again be able to experience with each other. He felt like once again Mikey had left him behind, not thinking about the ways his actions would affect those around him, affect the people who loved him.

The decision to skip the funeral wasn’t as hard as most would have thought. What good would Carmy have to offer by being there, it's not like anyone needed him. And anyway, he couldn’t just drop everything happening here in New York for a day, life didn’t work that way for him. 

Carmy knew he didn’t hate Mikey, he just didn’t understand his choices recently. Didn’t necessarily understand how much the prescriptions had fucked with his mind. And maybe in a selfish way, he wasn’t ready to understand, to forgive Mikey for leaving him so soon. Nothing to even show for the loss of the person who inspired him most besides the funeral program as an ugly reminder of what he could never be again.

A soft knock rang through the quiet apartment, the man inside happy to ignore it, sure it was just one of his neighbors doing whatever weird shit they usually did. He removed a cigarette from his pack standing up and setting the program in the chair before grabbing his lighter and moving to open the window.

He heard it again, this time a bit louder and more urgent sounding. Carmy removed his phone from his pocket, the generic lock screen shining up at him with the time reading 2:30 am.

No one had ever shown up at his apartment this late, not even the woman across the way who periodically tried to charm Carmy all kinds of inconvenient times of the night. The knocking finally stopped as muffled voices carried through the hallway outside his door.

Carmy wouldn’t consider himself a nosy neighbor but he did find himself a bit curious who was knocking at his door at such an hour it alerted another tenant. Cigarette sitting between his lips he made his way to the door, ear leaned against it as he tried to catch bits and pieces of the conversation happening out there.

Having no such luck he resorted to checking the peephole to find his neighbor outside her door talking with a woman who appeared to be soaked to the bone. Carmy watched for a moment, he couldn’t place it but something about the unknown woman looked familiar to him. He continued watching his neighbor motioning for the woman to wait outside for a moment while she grabbed something from her apartment.

Carmy was ready to return to his initial smoke break but found himself stopping as the woman faced his door. Heart stopping as he took in features he would remember for a lifetime. He quickly moved to unlock his door, throwing it open only to surprise the ghost of a woman standing in his hallway.

You ceased your knocking as you heard a door opening behind you, turning to face a woman who appeared to be around the same age as you. From her appearance, it didn’t seem like you had woken her up so you were grateful for that fact.

“You’re making a mess in the hallway,” her eyes traveled over your form. Your figure sopping wet from the downpour you just escaped from.

A tired sigh left your lips, “Um, I’m sorry to bother you, but do you know the guy who lives here?” Your hand motioned to the door that was at your back that you had just been knocking on. 

“You a friend or something?” The skepticism in the woman’s voice irked you, it was a yes or no question there was no need for her to give you the third degree.

You nodded trying to keep your cool. You were tired, dripping wet, and you weren’t even sure if Carmy was home. “Yeah, something like that.”

She gave you another once over before shaking her head back and forth, “No I don’t, sorry.” She began to close her door before you called out to her one last time.

“Wait sorry, is there any way I could use your phone, mine is dead,” you presented your phone as evidence, you didn’t want to be in this woman’s presence any more than she wanted to put up with you, but you needed to at least call a cab.

The subtle roll of her eyes caused the grip on your phone to tighten, luckily though the woman gave you a gesture to wait there before returning to her apartment.

You let out a sigh of relief, head dropping as your thoughts raced. You had no idea what the hell was going through your mind when you booked the last-minute flight. Having found Carmen’s address written on a forgotten piece of paper lying in the kitchen of the Berzatto family home.

The excuse to Sugar was that you had to meet with a potential interviewee for an upcoming article and couldn’t reschedule. You had already been in Chicago for longer than you originally planned, so what was one impromptu plane ride to the east coast?

There was no sign that the woman you bothered was coming back anytime soon so you decided to cut your losses, you would find a pay phone or something to use. You turned around sending one last look at Carmy’s door, the feeling that this was all for nothing setting in.

You went to pick up your bag from the ground when the sounds of a door unlocking caught your attention, raising back up to your full height as you watched the door you were initially knocking on harshly swing open.

Separated by a threshold Carmen Berzatto stood in front of you clad in his disheveled chef whites looking just as exhausted as you felt. You promised yourself you wouldn’t cry if this trip did end up paying off, but after five years without him, five years of hurting and hoping you could no longer hold back all the emotions the man evoked within you.

Your trembling lips raised into a pathetic smile as your eyes took all of him in, “Hi Carmy.”

The water dripped off of you as you awkwardly stood in the entryway to Carmy’s apartment. You watched him rush around to tidy up his apartment, he hadn’t said a word to you yet just opened his door wider with the expectation that you would enter.

“Carm,” your trembling voice doing nothing to stop the scrambling of the man in front of you.

“Carmen.” The name left your lips a little louder this time, finally gaining the man’s attention, his entire being turning in your direction but eyes never meeting yours. “Uh, could I maybe take a shower?”

Carmy’s head nodded rapidly, staying glued to his spot for a moment before he signaled for you to follow him. As you walked through the apartment to his bedroom you couldn’t help but take in just how Carmy-like the living space was.

Lacking personal touch and like he was ready to flee at a moment's notice; the only commitment the man could make was being a chef apparently.

You stopped in front of the bathroom looking around his room before finally focusing on him. “I, do you think I could borrow some clothes?”

Again Carmy nodded the man acting as though his voice box wasn’t working. You watched him move around his room wondering if he’d ever award you any form of attention or verbal acknowledgment. He stopped for a minute eyes finally finding yours, “Go ahead and get cleaned up, I’ll leave these on the bed.”

Your eyes found the contents in his hand before it was your turn to nod and head into the bathroom. You started the shower searching for a towel and washcloth as you waited for the water to heat up. This whole trip could very well be a mistake, but there was no going back now, you were here, and you had already used your miles. 

Slipping out of your wet clothes felt like a struggle, the heavy fabric clinging to you like a second skin. You quickly stepped into the shower, not wanting any of the water to go to waste. The steaming water helped to relax you, all your worries about your visit being set aside as you basked in the warmth radiating around you.

After standing under the shower head and allowing the water to caress your skin, you reached for the products Carmy had lined up in his shower. The shower gel is the same brand you used all those years ago on Christmas. Looking at the bottle in your hands you couldn’t help but think of all the ways in which Carmy wronged you, why you had allowed him to constantly hurt you, a fact you still couldn’t figure out.

And you couldn’t stand here in his shower glaring at a bottle the whole time you were here either. You took your time lathering your body allowing the calming aroma of lavender to invade your senses. Finishing you returned everything to its proper spot before rinsing your body and shutting the shower off.

Stepping out you wrapped the large fluffy towel around your body not chancing a glance at your reflection as you exited the bathroom. The door to the bedroom was closed and the clothes you saw in Carmy’s hands earlier sat in a neat pile on the bed. You perused the selection of a clean pair of boxer shorts, one of his many crew necks and a pair of socks were laid out for you.

The deja vu the last few sequences of events had given you hadn’t gone unnoticed. 

You would have to forgo a bra but you’d been in much more uncomfortable positions with Carmy than this. Dressing you made your way to the door, stopping for a moment to allow yourself a deep breath, you couldn’t be sure what you would be walking into. Along with the fact that you were in a city you had never been in and your return flight wasn’t for two more days, Carmy was your only option. 

The warmth in the apartment slapped you in the face as you left Carmy’s room, the heater had been turned on. You followed the trail you had first taken finding your way to the living room that doubled as a kitchen.

“Sit,” you were almost ready to argue with Carmy’s demanding tone, but the food situated on the island counter stopped you.

You made your way to the lone stool taking a seat, trying not to marvel at the food in front of you. Carmy’s water bill would be high for the month, you had apparently been in the shower long enough for a dinner of grilled cheese and tomato soup to be made. Carmy still hard at work making something on the stovetop sans his chef jacket.

Eyeing the food in front of you, you couldn’t help the way your mouth watered. You greedily picked up a slice of the grilled cheese and dipped it into the hearty soup, The sigh of appreciation not going unnoticed by the chef a few feet away from you, a small smirk gracing his lips at the quiet sound you let out.

“Good?” The question caught you off guard, mouth still full, swallowing the bite in your mouth you set the rest of the sandwich down, eyes zeroing in on Carmy’s biceps that were put on full display by his form-fitting white shirt. 

“I’ve had better.” Carmy caught your shrug as he placed a steaming mug next to the rest of your food, doing his best not to outright smile at your stubborn attitude. He moved to lean his back against the sink, arms crossed over his chest as he studied you.

“Fuck Carmy,” the sigh left your lips reluctantly. “It’s actually fucking great.” So enthralled with the food set in front of you, you missed the pink blush that dusted across Carmy’s cheeks. The heat in the apartment almost felt like too much as the lewd words left your lips.

“Ahem, I uh, I’m gonna get cleaned up. Make yourself comfortable,” Carmy watched as you waved him off, the food you were eating stealing all of your attention.

Carmy watched you for a moment longer, still shocked that your physical presence was here in his apartment. He wasn’t sure what prompted this visit, or if he even deserved your attention after all the immature shit he had pulled. But he was thankful to see you doing well, to see you looking as though you belonged with him in his bland apartment the clothes comfortably sitting on your body providing him with a feeling of domesticity he was one day hoping to have with you.

The mug of hot chocolate in your hands helped to send warmth through your body. You were still sitting at the stool not sure what to do as Carmy freshened himself up. Now that you weren’t shivering cold and rushing through the apartment you could finally take in the less than cozy abode. 

It wasn’t much but you were sure it was enough for Carmy, taking a few sips of your drink you began ambling around the apartment, mug still gripped in your hands, a tether to reality. The living room wasn’t messy but more so what you would describe as Carmy’s version of organized clutter.

A small couch and television helped to offer a homey feeling. The out-of-place lawn chair caught your eye, and the corner of your lips quirked up at how fucking Carmy it was. You made your way to the window it was sitting in front of, the New York skyline at this time of the day still a sight to see. The rain gliding down the window felt like it matched the steady pace of your heartbeat.

Turning to the lawn chair the contents in the seat grabbed your attention. Leaning over you picked up the unassuming paper, a jolt of sadness rushing through you as you read over the program. The funeral a week ago is still stuck in the back of your mind, the closed sleek black casket haunting your eyelids every night.

You quickly replaced the program in its original spot. You had come here intending to confront Carmy about his absence, but the more you stood in his apartment, the more you realized you weren’t actually ready to hear Carmy’s truth.

48 hours was all you had here, if you decided to use it as an escape, so be it. You would have to return to the reality that Mikey was dead sooner than later. You were allowed to let yourself use the time spent here as an escape from reality. You could use your time here to reprimand Carmy for his life decisions, or you could use the borrowed time to relish in finally seeing him after five years and try to figure out the back and forth the two of you have been participating in for a majority of your lives.

Mikey would understand, he wanted you to be happy, so it was okay to pretend for a little while that he’d be waiting there in Chicago when you got back right?

You made your way back to the kitchenette needing a distraction from the very thoughts you were running away from. You finished off your hot cocoa before grabbing your remaining dishes and heading to the sink. Washing dishes was the first distraction you could think of. 

As you made your way to the sink the sound of a door opening and feet padding across the floor could be heard. Quickly turning on the faucet you reached for the dish rag sitting in the sink, a sharp gasp escaping your lips at the pain that shot through the base of your palm, the running water easily turning a translucent pink color.

Snatching your hand back you spotted the blade of a knife that was covered in drops of your blood and haphazardly hidden under the dish rag. Your good hand reached to move the dish rag and grab the offending object. 

Finally getting a good grip on the knife, you were shocked at the familiarity of it, the personal initials carved into the handle proving your theory. The last time you laid eyes on these they were neatly tucked away into a luxurious gift box that Carmy discarded just as easily as he discarded you the morning after Christmas. 

And you thought they had been left in the same spot all these years, collecting dust in his childhood bedroom. But as you held a knife from the set in your hand, and your eyes moved to the remaining set delicately placed on the counter not too far away, you realized that to be nowhere near the truth. 

“Yo, what the fuck Baby,” your attention turned to Carmy’s voice behind you his figure clad in a pair of sweats and a white tank top. That stupid fucking gold chain that you had dreamed of taking between your teeth one too many times glistened against the firmness of his chest.

The delicate grip on your injured hand tore your eyes from the sinful chain. Carmy’s eyes raised your hand to his face examining the seriousness of the wound, “What happened?” 

“Cut myself,” you raised the knife in your hand to show him, watching as his eye darted between you and the tool he took so much pride in owning.

“What the fuck did you do that for?” Carmen Berzatto’s attitude would never cease to surprise you.

You scoffed quickly snatching your hand from his grip, and walking to grab the dish towel hanging from his oven, “I didn’t do it on purpose you fucking idiot.” 

Carmy began rummaging around in his cabinets his search not continuing for too long before he made his way over to you, first aid kit in his grasp. You were honestly surprised he owned one sure he’d rather bask in his pain than take care of himself.

Your good hand shot out aiming to grab the first aid kit from his hands. The slight slap to your hand caused your mouth to drop open, who the hell did he think he was?

“Give me the kit Carmen.” You watched as his eyes met yours, the once blank expression on his face morphing into a frown. 

“Don’t say my name like that,” you rolled your eyes before reaching out once again, only to receive the same result. “Just let me help you. Why are you being so fucking stubborn!”

You raised your eyebrows not expecting Carmy to yell at you. Your hand reluctantly came up between the two of you so he could bandage it up. It was official that you were weak for this man, the demanding tone in his voice shooting straight through you. 

The two of you sat in silence as Carmy cleaned the cut, the consensus was that you didn’t need stitches so the ointment and bandages Carmy had would do. You watched as he worked, hands delicately mending your wound he was so focused on.

When he finished you lowered your hand watching as he cleaned up before you made your exit to the living room, sitting on one side of the couch. Your back was to the kitchen as Carmy finished tidying up, the only sign he followed you out was him walking around the couch in your peripheral.

He joined you on the couch choosing the safe option and sitting directly across from you, the space speaks volumes. You brought your legs up to your chest, if this was a month ago you probably would have let all your hurt and anger guide you in this moment. 

But as life taught you, the universe was eager to snatch away people you thought you had forever with. 

It was silent for a little longer, the both of you avoiding eye contact. You finally turned to face him wanting to understand the choices he made regarding the situation between you two.

“Carmy?” You rested your chin atop your knees as he finally provided you with his full attention, “Did I do something wrong?”

His eyebrows raised, whether, from shock or surprise, you couldn’t be sure. You watched as his eyes darted across the room like he was looking for an anchor. You weren’t too sure who adult Carmy was, because the boy you used to know easily held conversations with you, even the tough ones. 

“I just…I want to understand you, Carmy. And I want to know why I’m not good enough for you,” as soon as those words left your lips it was like you were looking at 18-year-old Carmy again. “I thou-we seemed to be in a good place after Christmas dinner, but then I woke up alone and…and it felt like we were back at square one like you ghosted me all over again.”

You were staring directly into Carmy’s eyes, it was hard but it needed to be done. You needed him to see, to understand how much his actions continued hurting you. 

His hand raised in a gesture you had seen too many times to count, fingers running through his hair. If he didn’t want to have this conversation you couldn’t force him to, but you also wouldn’t keep allowing him to run in and out of your life when it was convenient for him. The two of you were friends once, and you weren’t going to allow him to continue exploiting the love you had for him.

Your arms wrapped around your propped-up legs, a security blanket for the words you were about to force out. “You can be honest with me, Carmy. If you told me you wanted nothing to do with me I’d be on the next flight out of here.” You waited for anything, a sigh, words, but all you got was his steel blue eyes staring you down in the space across from you. 

A sardonic chuckle escaped your lips as you quickly wiped the tears racing down your cheeks. Head falling back to stare at the ceiling as a way to not allow Carmy to see your tears, before calming yourself down enough to meet his gaze head-on.

“I can’t be the only one that wants more for us Carmy.” You could see the light reflecting off the glazed film in his eyes. “And I don’t think I am. But you’re inconsistent with your feelings, and I know it’s wrong of me to spring this on you considering the circumstances…but I just need honesty Carmy, that’s all.”

You said your peace, but you weren’t sure what else you could say to try to make him understand and maybe that was the problem, maybe he didn’t want to understand. You leaned into the couch cushion for comfort. The distance stretching between you was nowhere near as hurtful as the silence.

The fatigue from your flight was beginning to set in, you rushed everything to make it here that you hadn’t realized how much of a toll it took on you. 

Carmy watched you from his side of the couch, arms crossed against his chest. There was so much he wanted to say to you but didn’t know how. He knew you deserved the truth, but it had never before been asked of him in this context. He was scared of the fact that he wanted more with you; it  frightened him.

The idea he had of the two of you in his head was intoxicating and unnerving all at once. He could admit to himself that he dreamed of a life with you, and found himself lost in thought too many times to count about what it would be like to come home after a long shift to you there waiting for him.

Carmen was intoxicated by the idea of spending the rest of his life with you, a continuous beacon in your life that surpassed the title of friend and edged into something more. But he was unnerved as well because he wasn’t sure if this was love or infatuation.

Loving you unnerved Carmy, firstly because he wasn’t sure how he would know he was in love with you or not. And secondly, he didn’t know how to love you and wasn’t sure if he was capable of it. If there was one thing Carmy knew it was that you were deserving of a life-altering love, a love that transcended lifetimes if possible.

But he was almost positive he couldn’t be that person for you, he wasn’t deserving of you.

“I uh, I tried calling you,” Carmy stopped to collect himself, he wanted to talk to you, to let you understand him like you once did. “You changed your number. And that’s not an excuse. I understood why. I just…I guess I took it as a sign that there was nothing left for us.”

His eyes met yours searching for any sort of reaction, any form of acknowledgment. Your puffy eyes and tear-stained face stared back at him, his heart clenching in his chest at the emotional distress he constantly put you through.

“I um,” a placating smile raised to Carmy’s lips as he fumbled with his fingers as a distraction. “I can’t-Baby I-we both know I can’t give you what you deserve.” Carmy did his best to play off the watery undertone in his voice, eyes quickly darting up to yours as he heard your sniffles.

Carmy watched as your head rapidly nodded up and down, a sad knowing smile stretching across your lips. The tightness in his chest increased tenfold, his hand coming up to press into the middle of his chest, hoping to alleviate the pain. 

“I um, I think I would like to go to sleep if that’s okay?” You raised your head to look at Carmy, you told him you would accept his rejection, but that didn’t mean that it wasn’t going to hurt. 

Carmy nodded getting up and walking towards you, holding his hand out to help you up. You allowed him to grasp your soft hand in his firm calloused one, head down as he led you to his bedroom. He motioned for you to sit down on his bed as he escaped into the bathroom, coming back a moment later with tissues in his hand.

You avoided his eyes as he bent down on his knees in front of you, gently using the collected tissue to dab at your puffy face. You couldn’t help the sorrowful laugh that escaped your lips, the scene reminded you of when the two of you were growing up and Carmy would always help clean your face after a good cry.

A tight smile formed on his lips as his eyes met yours, the two of you probably thinking of the same memories. He finished drying your face before returning to the bathroom to throw away the tissues. Carmy helped you up from the bed to pull down his comforter before allowing you to get in.

He watched as you scooted over to make room for him awaiting his entrance, “Uh lemme just tidy up out there.” Both of you knew it was an excuse but neither were brave enough to admit it. 

Carmy quickly left the room heading straight for the small duffle you had brought with you. He was sure the rain had soaked through your bag and wet your belongings. Making his way to the closet where his washer and dryer were located he easily fit your clothes into the wash, not wanting you to be stuck in his clothes for however long you were there.

He found your laptop bag in there as well, quickly removing it from its confines and drying it with a clean kitchen towel. Placing the laptop on his counter he made his way around the kitchenette to clean up the mess your blood made and finish off the dishes you hadn’t been able to wash. All of this was a distraction to the warm body he knew was waiting up for him in bed, he felt the urge to prolong the inevitable but realized he might never get this chance again.

Carmy quickly finished his clean of the front room, it wasn’t up to his usual standards but he could no longer deny himself the thing he wanted most in that moment; to wrap you up in his arms and hope he’d never have to let go.

Making sure all appliances were off and starting the washer, he quickly made his way back into his bedroom, closing the door as quietly as he could. He stood in the middle of the room for a minute, the figure peacefully lying in his bed not something he was used to. Carmy quietly crept over to the empty side of the bed lifting the covers and allowing himself to slide in.

Carmy knew you weren’t asleep and any other time he might’ve felt embarrassed to be so eager to be near you, but something about being in your presence felt right. Carmy made sure to scoot close to you, arm moving to wrap around your midsection and bring you closer to him, the need to feel your body pressed against his barely being satisfied.

His face found its way to the crook of your neck, taking a deep breath, the lavender scent he loved so much dancing across his senses. The sigh you let out into the night was a sign that you both wanted this just as much.

Carmy moved his head up a few inches, lips brushing against the ‘B’ hidden behind your ear. There wasn’t a day he didn’t think about the hidden ink stain or the words you said to him when he first found it.

Pressing one more soft kiss against the inkblot Carmy felt as you relaxed into him. Your warm body in his arms once more provided a feeling of bliss he wasn’t aware he needed.

You both knew the position you were in and the soft caress of Carmy’s lips against your skin, was a direct contradiction of the claims he made earlier. But neither of you would be the voice of reason in these 48 hours you had together.

Whatever happened between the two of you during this time would be welcomed with open arms. You and Carmy were on borrowed time, there would be time for regrets later, but as Carmy held you in his arms he decided that he would try to give you pieces of himself that no one had ever seen; even if it would all end in hours. 

“Sweet dreams Baby.” 

Carmy looked most at peace while sleeping, the stress and exhaustion seemed to have melted off of him as his mind transported him to the land of dreams.

You had been awake for some time now, Carmy’s presence helpful enough to allow you a few peaceful hours of sleep. But the inevitable thoughts of a life lost would always haunt you through the night. So here you were watching the slight rise and fall of Carmy’s chest, his lips parted slightly. He looked adorable like this but you felt a little weird just watching someone sleep. 

Your hand raised gently moving the waves out of Carmy’s face, leaning in slightly to press a delicate kiss on his forehead before quietly making your way out of the bed. It was a little tricky to open the door without waking Carmy but you had managed.

Leaving the hallway that led to Carmy’s room you entered the living room, searching for the duffle you brought with you. Only to find it open on the floor, your toiletry bag the only item that remained in the bottom of the bag. Confusion swept across your face as you tried to figure out where the rest of your belongings were.

Looking around the living area you spotted your laptop resting on the counter, your laptop bag sitting on a towel next to it. You would figure things out later. The first thing you wanted to do right now was to brush your teeth.

You quickly tip-toed back into Carmy’s room and the bathroom quietly shutting the door behind you and beginning your morning routine. Now refreshed you exited the bathroom, a small smile gracing your lips as you took in Carmy’s still-sleeping figure. 

Perusing the fridge and pantry you found a lack of any edible food. The few things available allowed you to whip up some French toast. You were no chef and maybe you should’ve left the cooking to Carmy but you were hoping this could be an olive branch for the two of you. If Carmy didn’t want to be with you romantically, maybe the two of you could work on mending your friendship.

Carmy woke up to an empty bed, his first thoughts that you had escaped in the night, his heart clenching a bit at the thought. He couldn’t be mad he pulled the same stunt on you, turning to lay on his back he stared at his ceiling, mind racing as he thought about the conversation from yesterday. 

Carmy knew he wanted to be happy, and he also knew he wanted that with you. He just didn’t know the first thing about romantic love or how to explicitly make his wants clear to you. It seemed as though he’d never get that chance, you were serious about catching the next flight out. 

Sitting up in bed he looked around, trying to gain his bearings. The sound of his bedroom door opening jolted him from his thoughts. He watched as you walked in with two plates in your hands, the smell of French toast invading his senses. His eyes found yours as you stopped in the doorway a small shy smile sent in his direction.

“I made us breakfast,” Carmy watched you make your way towards him, taking a plate off your hands as you sat on the bed in front of him. “I hope you don’t mind French toast, you uh didn’t have much to work with.” 

Carmy’s eyes subtly lit up at the fact that you were still there, that you hadn’t left. “No, yeah this is great, you uh, used cinnamon and everything.” The shy teasing smile on Carmy’s face caused a small chuckle to bubble out of you.

The two of you ate in silence for the most part, each of you stealing glances at one another while the other wasn’t paying attention. Shy smiles sent each other’s way when one of you would catch the other’s eye. 

You watched as Carmy took the plate from your hands and made his way to the door, you sat there for a moment watching him walk away before getting up and following behind him. You silently took a seat on the stool at the counter watching as Carmy began cleaning the remaining breakfast dishes.

The stretch of his back muscles under the tank top he was wearing was a sight to see. It surprised you a bit how toned Carmy was considering he lived and breathed being a chef, you didn’t expect him to have free time to worry about his physique. 

You waited as Carmy finished sending him a small smile as he finally faced you. He made his way to you, the two of you separated by the counter, his forearms resting on the counter accentuated his toned biceps.

“I actually need to go to the farmer’s market today,” you waited to see if there was anything more he had to say but the silence drew on.

“Oh, I can stay here, I have work to finish.” You gestured your hand to the laptop not far from the two of you, trying not to let your disappointment show.

“Did you maybe wanna join me,” Carmy waited for your response, eyes darting around your face hoping you would say yes.

“Do you…want me to join you?” You could laugh, the two of you sitting here beating around the bush like two teenagers. 

You waited as you took in Carmy’s shy demeanor, the blush rising from his neck, you were tempted to point it out but didn’t want him to close himself off like you were used to. 

“I want you to come with me to the farmers market.” Carmy made sure to look you in the eyes as the words left his mouth, sure that he was red in the face but wanting you to know how much he wanted to spend time with you. 

The two of you stared at each other for a while, the toothy grin on your face mirroring the his smaller one. The small nod of your head was everything Carmy needed to see for his heartbeat to calm down. He watched as you giddily got up from your seat presumably to get ready.

“Oh um did you do something with my clothes?” The smile didn’t seem to be leaving your face anytime soon.

Carmy cleared his throat hand raising to scratch the back of his neck, “Yeah I, uh I washed them, they’re in my closet.” 

You couldn’t deny that those words made your heart pick up speed a bit, the idea of feeling giddy that your clothes were in Carmy’s closet was a bit childish, but you would take what you could get at this point. 

“Oh, okay I’ll just go get ready then.” Your hand gestured to the room behind you.

“Yeah,” Carmy couldn’t help but marvel at the idea of you getting ready in his apartment, it was almost like he could pretend this was his reality.

“Yeah,” you didn’t know why you were acting like a love-struck teenager but Carmy just brought it out of you.

“Okay,” Carmy nodded his head signaling you to take your leave.

“Oka-.”

“Baby just go get fucking ready.” A huff of laughter escaped Carmy at the way you were acting.

Carmy stood by the counter watching as you ran off to prepare yourself for the day. He couldn’t stop the smile from gracing his lips as he listened to your melodic laughter sing through the emptiness of his apartment.

You had split from Carmy a few booths back, the two of you deciding it was for the best. Your constant wandering off to booths that intrigued you put Carmy in a panic when he would look to see you no longer at his side. 

It was your first time in New York and you were just happy to take in this small portion of what the city had to offer. The farmer’s market here was similar to the ones you’d been to back home, though the weather would take some getting used to, not like you needed to. You’d be back in Chicago before you knew it. 

You found a small flea market-type area towards the back of the farmers market. Vendors gathered around selling handmade items and keepsakes. A few minutes into your perusal of the area you found a vendor selling handmade clothing items. A pretty cami dress caught your eye that the vendor exclaimed you just had to have, and who were you to turn down a beautiful dress selling for a decent price in the streets of New York.

With the dress nicely tucked away into a paper bag gently swinging from your arm, you decided it was time to make your way back to the entrance of the farmers market and wait for Carmy. On your journey back you stopped at a vendor selling handmade leather goods, a particular leather wallet drawing your attention.

The familiarity of it caused you to let loose a shuddering breath, the small item reminded you of Mikey’s wallet. Although his was more used, worn in. Standing on this street and looking down at the pristine wallet in front of you was almost like looking at a replica.

You remembered asking him once why he chose to use the ratty old thing and the smart-ass response he had given you. The fact that an inanimate object that had no ties to Mikey was causing this sort of reaction inside you, felt too real, it felt like grief was prepared to sink its claws into you. 

And you couldn’t allow it, because you were in New York finally on somewhat good terms with Carmy. And Mikey would be waiting for your return to Chicago, eager to hear about your time with his little brother. 

“Would you like to buy it, miss?” Your eyes found the vendors, a forced smile tracing your lips.

You slowly shook your head feeling a little bad for turning down goods from a small business, you just didn’t need the wallet, especially not one that would remind you of him every day.

The walk back to the farmers market felt melancholy: the promise to yourself to compartmentalize Mikey and his situation was becoming harder the more time you spent alone. Your search for Carmy became more urgent the longer you couldn’t find him. The racing images of Mikey’s casket swirling with your recent moments spent in Carmy’s presence. 

You didn’t want to burden Carmy with the debilitating thoughts you were having, not wanting to ruin the good thing the two of you had going. Neither of you brought up the elephant in the room and it seemed like neither of you was going to. The both of you content to live in momentary bliss for the time you had together. 

It felt like you were spiraling and all because of some stupid too similar fucking wallet. You finally made your way to the entrance of the market hoping Carmy would know to look for you there.

Carmy gathered the ingredients necessary for the dinner he planned for tonight, luckily for him the restaurant was closed on Sundays so he could spend the day with you. 

He still wasn’t sure that any of this was real. You showing up outside his apartment at two in the morning, holding you as you slept, and now adventuring out to the market he frequented, it all felt like a dream.

There was one last stop Carmy needed to make before he met up with you. He made his way to the old flower vendor who was always the first one here to ensure he set up a show at the entrance. Carmy had his fair share of conversations with the man but had never actually bought any flowers off of him, but today was the day that changed. 

“Carmen is that you?” Carmy raised his head from the flowers he was glancing at, the old man sitting on the stool smiling his way.

“Yes sir. How you doing today Willie?” Carmy wasn’t much into friends or acquaintances since the two of you parted ways all those years ago, but Willie was a special case. Always kind, on Carmy’s first visit to this particular market the older man had explained to him the layout and gave him insider information about what times were best to come to ensure he got the freshest ingredients from each vendor. 

“You thinking about buying something today son?” The older man rose from his seated position plopping the paper he was reading in his place.

Carmy nodded eyes going back to the various flowers to choose from. This wasn’t Carmy, he had never done something like this, not willingly at least. But he knew flowers could symbolize different things, and have different meanings. And if he couldn’t figure out how to be straightforward and speak with you, maybe a hand-picked bouquet could solve that issue. 

“Looking for anything in particular?” He glanced at Willie, a slight frown marring his face, he genuinely had no idea.

Carmy chuckled, hand raising to scratch the nape of his neck, “I’m not sure Willie.” He felt a little embarrassed. How was he to translate his feelings to you through horticulture if he knew nothing about flowers and their meanings.

“Well help me out boy, tell me who they’re for an maybe I can whip something up for you.” It was like perfect timing as Carmy heard your voice trickling into his ears. You were standing on the other side of the entrance phone to your ear as you spoke to somebody, a look of exhaustion on your features.

Carmy’s eyes caught yours as you glanced in his direction, he watched that beautiful smile appear as you quickly ended the call with whoever you were talking to, smile mirroring yours as you two stared at each other across the distance. Your hand raised in a shy wave smile growing wider as Carmy reciprocated the gesture. 

“Now Carmen, why didn’t you tell me these were for your old lady,” Carmy’s head shot around to find Willie smirking at him from his side of the booth. “Is that the young lady in that picture you keep in your wallet?” 

Carmy watched frozen, as Willie moved around his booth, trying his best to figure out when the older man had ever caught a glance at the picture of you two. “Uh, she’s just a friend sir.” 

“Listen, boy, you can lie to yourself, but you can’t lie to me. And I know you betta not be lying to that pretty girl over there.” The flowers in Willie’s hand were used to point in your direction. 

“I saw the way she looked at you just now son, that girl is in love,” Carmy listened as Willie began constructing the bouquet, ears tuned to what the man was saying. 

“I’ll give it to you straight boy, you’re gonna regret every chance you didn’t take with that young lady. Now I don’t know the situation between you two, but what I do know is that you look at that girl like she invented oxygen, I know because that’s how I looked at my Debbie.” Carmy was raptly intrigued with Willie’s words, watching the sad smile take over his lips as he mentioned his recently deceased wife.

“And from our interactions you don’t seem to me like the type to let rare opportunities pass you by,” the bouquet seemed to be pretty much finished, the older man just putting the final touches. “Now you give that pretty young lady this here bouquet, you make her a nice dinner like I’m sure you planned. And you let her know how much you appreciate her.” 

Carmy nodded his head rapidly trying to take in everything the older man said. His breath hitched in his throat as he watched Willie wave you over to them.

“Excuse me miss? Why don’t you come on over here and join us.” Carmy could feel the panic rising within him.

“N- Willie No don-.”

“Hush up boy and introduce me to your lovely girl.” You stopped next to Carmy eyes widening as you took in the unknown man's words. 

You looked at Carmy as he brought his hand up to swipe across his mouth, a tight-lipped smile lining his lips afterwards.

“Hi sweetie I’m Willie Carmen’s only friend in this city,” you laughed as the man winked at you before holding his hand out listening as you introduced yourself. 

“It’s nice to meet you Willie, you have some beautiful flowers, do you harvest them yourself?” The man in front of you waved off the compliment with a serene smile on his face.

“My wife and I started selling at this market 20 years ago. This is my first year without her.” The smile on your lips faltered as you offered your condolences.

“Now I don’t wanna keep you too long, but this bouquet here is for you to miss.” You looked at Carmy before your eyes found Willie’s again, your cheeks warming at what the man was insinuating. 

“Oh um, thank you so much. How much do I owe you?” Your wallet was out and ready in your hand, Carmy’s hand shooting out to stop you as he thrust money forward. 

“Y’all put that money away now,” Willie shook his head scoffing at the idea of either of you paying.

He held out the bouquet in your direction, the smile lining his face urged you to take it. You couldn’t help but marvel at the beautiful bouquet, the colorful assortment helping to ease the foreboding feeling you had earlier. 

“Our friend Carmen here chose each of those flowers,” you looked in Carmy’s direction, the blush on his face so endearing to you. “I went on ahead and tucked a card in there with their meanings. You two make a fine pair, don’t let life get in the way of the love you share, you hear me?”

You nodded avoiding Carmy’s eyes like your life depended on it, easily listening to the wisdom Willie was bestowing upon the two of you. 

“The world is kind but she is also cruel. She will take away the things we love even if we’re not ready to part with them. Love each other loudly and with no regrets, it's always good to see young love prosper.”  The sad look in Willie’s eyes pulled at your heartstrings, you stood there wondering if he had any regrets. 

The clearing of Carmy’s throat finally drew your attention from the wise older man in front of you. “Thank you Willie really, but we should be heading home.” 

Willie nodded a pleasant smile on his lips, “Damn right! The two of you holdin up my business.” The older man shooed the two of you off a chuckle followed his gesture. 

“It was nice meeting you Willie, thank you again for the beautiful bouquet.” You sent him one last wave before you and Carmy moved away from the booth.

“It’s a gorgeous bouquet Carmy,” you glanced over the flowers before your eyes locked with Carmy’s, a loving smile splitting your face. 

Carmy smiled, unconsciously reaching out to move a stray piece of hair from your eyes, hurriedly dropping his hand and clearing his throat. “Let’s get them home and into some water yeah?” Carmy’s eyes darted around doing his best not to stare at you for too long.

You looked down trying to hide your smile, the word ‘home’ filled you with warmth. Your hand reached out to intertwine his with your own, avoiding Carmy’s eyes as they finally focused on you, “Lead the way.”

The gentle squeeze of your hand in Carmy’s made you smile, the two of you making your way back to his apartment. Neither of you mentioned holding hands as you journeyed home, just like neither of you said anything as you melted into his safe embrace on the subway ride.

The two of you entered the small apartment, your laughs filtering through the hallway and into the entranceway. A run-in with Carmy’s neighbor across the hall was responsible for the now-dying laughter between the two of you.

“Is she always like that?” You stopped allowing Carmy to help you out of your jacket before he hung it up. You turned to him, taking the bags out of his hand as you made your way to the kitchen. Setting them on the counter before searching for something to hold your flowers. 

Carmy followed behind you after removing his own coat, hands falling to your waist as he moved around you to unload the few groceries he had gotten for tonight. “She uh, airdropped me a nude once, so right now was pretty tame I guess.” 

Your headshot to Carmy’s everything in you holding back the laugh that was desperately trying to escape. “Poor girl. Did you send one back?” You nudged your elbow into his watching as the blush on his cheeks deepened.

He maneuvered around you trying to ignore your teasing, “God no, we uh went out for drinks once, it was cool.” 

The crumbs he was giving you surprised you, “And nothing like came out of that?”

“I dunno was something supposed to?” Carmy made sure not to give you direct attention, mortified that he was even having this conversation with you in his kitchen.

“Well did you want it to?” You didn’t know why you had latched onto this topic of conversation so hard, it reminded you of the times Carmy would ramble to you about Claire. And if you were just spending the weekend with a friend wasn’t this the type of conversation you should be engaging in? 

Carmy turned to you as you finally found a glass big enough to support the bouquet, he watched as you filled the glass with water before trimming the stems. “Not with her, no.”

You looked up to see Carmy finally looking at you with a serious expression painting his flushed face. You couldn’t help it as your eyes dropped to his lips, clocking the subtle peak of his tongue poking out as he wet his lips. 

Carmy made his way towards you, Willie's words from earlier bouncing around in his head. He pulled the flower from your hand and placed it in the large glass he wasn’t even aware he had. He cleared his throat hoping he had enough confidence to get these words out.

“I’m gonna start on dinner, and you’re gonna go get ready,” his hand came up to hold the left side of your jaw, finger finding the spot behind your ear he always took special care to remember. “I want you to put on that pretty little dress you were gushing about on the way home.” Carmy stopped watching as you nodded your head showing that you were paying attention.

“Can you do that for me?” His eyes traced your face looking for any signs that you were uncomfortable.

Your lidded eyes lazily blinked up at him a quiet ‘yes’ escaped through your parted lips. A small smile rested on Carmy’s lips as he leaned in to plant a delicate kiss on your forehead, lips lingering for a moment too long.

He reluctantly removed himself from you waiting for you to scurry off. Surprised when you took a step closer to him and leaned in, a gentle press of your lips connecting to the corner of his. Carmy watched as you pulled away and smiled at him before taking your leave.

Carmy stood in his kitchen for a minute, heart racing as he realized what he had just done. The only place Carmy had ever been in control was in the kitchen, so maybe that’s why it was so easy for him to take control in that moment, well that and Willie’s lecture.

He was sure it would never happen again as he began preparing the ingredients for the lasagna he planned to make for the two of you. 

You and Carmy had switched places a few minutes ago after he walked in on you wrapped in a towel and profusely apologized  for almost a whole minute. You easily slipped into your dress while Carmy was in the shower. 

As you walked into the living room you could smell the delicious aroma of the cuisine Carmy prepared for the two of you. You were glad to be out of Carmy’s presence for the time being, your brain doing its best to process the moment the two of you had shared in the kitchen. 

The cold shower you took did nothing to calm down the feelings swirling around inside you. You had never seen Carmy so in control of anything in his life, the demanding tone he used with you earlier almost had you making a fool of yourself right there in his kitchen. 

A constant beep coming from the oven drew your attention, you quickly made your way to the kitchen grabbing a towel to remove the hot dish from its place resting in the oven. You couldn’t help but marvel at the pretty lasagna in your hands. It was a bit weird to describe food as pretty, but the presentation was generally pleasing to the eyes.

You walked to the countertop to set the dish down, turning to search through the kitchen for plates and utensils. Having a slightly hard time as you had no idea where anything was located at.

“Baby?” The sound of Carmy’s voice startled you, not having heard him make his approach. 

You turned in his direction, a light laugh leaving your lips. It was a bit comical, the two of you dressed nicely, feet bare in his New York apartment. You took in his appearance biting your lip as you spotted his chain that encouraged you to do sinful things. He was dressed in probably the only slacks he owned, the ankles cuffed since he wasn’t wearing shoes. The deep green crew neck hugging his body was similar in color to the dress you were wearing, the unexpected matching caused another laugh to leave your lips. 

The box in his hand finally caught your attention, it appeared to be a present of some sort. You pointed at it with the random spoon you had picked up while searching for cutlery. 

“What’s that?” You furrowed your brows as you watched Carmy revert to his usual shy self. 

He held the gift out to you, “Go ahead, open it.” Your hand brushed his as you took the box from his hold feeling a bit giddy at the unsolicited gift.

Carmy held his breath as he watched you open a five-year-old gift in his kitchen. You looked beautiful and he wanted to tell you but couldn’t seem to force the words out too enthralled with the intimate atmosphere that had been surrounding the two of you since earlier in the kitchen. 

Carmy was a fool for leaving you the morning after Christmas and knowing that he let Mikey down when it came to you haunted him. He was glad to have these days with you, it wasn’t healthy but the two of you were providing a distraction for each other. 

“Carmy oh my goodness,” the gasp of your breath brought Carmy back to reality. His cheeks warmed at seeing you so happy. “How much did this even cost you, these things are like relics.” Your eyes flashed to the smile on your face seeming to brighten up the kitchen.

“It doesn’t matter, I bought this for Christmas and just…I never sent it.” He was prepared for you to scold him for his stupidity, tell him you didn’t care for the gift, and that you couldn’t play pretend with him anymore. 

The press of your warm body against his surprised him, quickly wrapping his arms around your waist. Holding onto you so tightly scared that if he let you go then you would disappear and he’d realize this weekend was just a dream.

“I love it Carmy really, thank you.” Your arms were still wrapped around his neck as the two of you gazed into each other's eyes. 

“Can I,” Carmy paused a laugh escaping his lips at the similarities between this moment and a past one you shared. “Can I kiss you?” 

You wasted no time before you leaned forward pressing a sweet kiss into his lips lingering for a moment to translate the love you felt for him. Carmy’s hand moved up to your jaw, keeping you locked in place against him, his tongue slipping out to caress your bottom lip.

You slowly opened your mouth allowing him in, the softness of his tongue exploring the warmth of your mouth. The kiss was slow, sensual, all the pent-up emotions being shared between the two of you. 

The rhythm Carmy set was easy for you to follow along with, you took the chance to suck on his tongue a bit, losing yourself in the feelings this one kiss was bringing forth.

You parted from Carmy reluctantly, a small smile raised to your lips as you watched him chase you for more. A soft moan escaped you as he began decorating kisses down your jaw and to your neck, tilting your head back to allow him better access, surprise painting your features as he raised you to sit on his counter. 

Carmy continued to study you with his lips, tracing down your pulse point and across your collarbone. It would never be enough for him, he would never be able to satisfy his hunger for you no matter how much of your skin his lips could paint. 

The soft whimpers snatched from your lips going straight to his groin, his hips unconsciously canting against your leg that was in perfect alignment. 

“Touch me Carmy…please,” Carmy swore he could cum from the sound of your begging alone.

But he stopped his ministrations, the realization that he had no idea what he was doing hitting him like a ton of bricks. 

You watched as Carmy pulled away from you chest rapidly puffing up and down as the confusion swept across your face. “Carmy?” Your voice trailed off you couldn’t help the hurt you were feeling, here you were sitting atop Carmy’s kitchen counter dress hiked up to your waist the lacy underwear you had chosen to wear in full view, the straps of your dress pulled down precariously low that the top of your areolas was peeking out. 

You quickly adjusted the top of your dress before hopping off the counter and pulling down the hem. Eyes filling with tears as you were brought back to prom night, memories re-playing all the hurt that came after it. 

Carmy’s head shot up from its place in his hands the tears in your waterline and the way you had shrunken into yourself making him feel like a complete fucking asshole.

“Shit no Baby…I-Fuck!” Carmy watched as you jolted a little at the shout of his voice, he was fucking this up more than it already was.

“Hey, hey,” he closed the distance between the two of you, raising his hands to your jaw and forcing you to look at him. “Baby, I-I’m sorry it's just…I don’t,” Carmy took a deep breath trying to gain his bearings. “I’ve never done this stuff before.” 

Carmy’s eyes followed the emotions crossing your face, a frown painting your face before your eyes widened and your lips parted in the shape of an ‘o’. 

“Carmy…have you never been intimate with anyone before?” Carmy knew your question wasn’t teasing or malicious but he couldn’t help feeling embarrassed at having to admit this to you. 

“I uh, you were my first kiss…and my second kiss just now,” Carmy hung his head in shame, blush rising from his neck to stain his cheeks. 

“Oh my goodness I’m such an asshole,” Carmy looked up at you a chuckle escaping him at your declaration. Your hand reached out to rest against his cheek thumb caressing back and forth. “Carmy I thought you were rejecting me.” Now it was your turn to feel shameful, your first thoughts being selfish ones as opposed to waiting to hear Carmy’s explanation. 

Carmy’s hand came up to grip yours on his cheek, head turning to place a soft kiss on your pulse point. “Let’s sit and eat, yeah?” Carmy waited for your response, smiling at you as you nodded. “I wanna spend as much time together as we can.” 

You pulled him into a sweet kiss, his hands squeezing your waist at the feeling of being able to freely kiss you “I’d like that.” You pulled away the two of you sharing bright smiles as you moved to have the dinner Carmy had so lovingly planned out.

Neither of you pointed out the fact that things would be coming to an end for you two tomorrow, but you’d bask in this loving atmosphere for all the remaining time you two had together. 

You could feel soft lips pressing into the space behind your left ear, your first instinct was worry. Confused by the warm body pressed into you from behind strong arms gripping your waist as though you would disappear at a moment's notice. The memories of the last day with Carmy led you to relax.

A quiet sniffle finally woke you up enough, your eyes opening to the dimly lit room. A familiar head of hair tucked snuggly into your neck, and slight huffs of breaths could be heard.

“Carmy?” The raspiness of your morning voice echoed around the room, you could hear the breathing quiet down a bit, concern spiking in you. 

You began turning wanting to comfort the man you had been in love with for most of your life, it was a struggle as the arms around you tightened but you finally turned to your side Carmy burying his face in your t-shirt-clad chest.

“Carmy, honey,” the lack of response was beginning to worry you, you had shared your fair share of cries with Carmy throughout your friendship but considering the circumstances that brought you together this time around, you couldn’t help but freak out a bit. “Hey, hey look at me yeah?”

“I-I just need a minute please.” The crack of Carmy’s voice went straight to your heart. He maneuvered so the top of his body was laying on your chest and stomach, his lower body settling gently between your legs. 

You leaned forward pressing a lingering kiss to his head before lying back down and slowly stroking your fingers through his hair, wanting to make him as comfortable in this moment as you could. You were content to hold him all day if that’s what he needed.

The two of you laid like that for a while, Carmy’s breathing and sniffling calming down after a few minutes. You watched as Carmy propped himself up on his elbows, pressing a small kiss into the fabric of your shirt over your stomach, a small smile rising to your lips as you watched him.

“Talk to me, Carm?” You watched as he looked up to you, pretty blue eyes swollen from the tears he’d been shedding. 

Carmy moved up a little resting his cheek against your sternum arms wrapped tightly around you, “Uhh, Sug called, said Mikey left something for me.” 

It was quiet as you let his words sink in, a shuddering sigh leaving you as your hands unconsciously began running back through Carmy’s hair. 

You felt Carmy’s hand slip under the shirt of his you were borrowing, fingers gliding across the skin of your stomach lazily tracing circles. The small gesture helped to relax you a bit.

“Did she say anything else?” Your fingernails softly scratched into Carmy’s scalp, the two of you trying to touch each other as much as you possibly could.

Carmy’s chuckle drew your attention, “She uh, asked me to come home.”

Your nails stopped for a minute before you started up again, heart jumping a little in your chest at the idea of Carmy coming back to Chicago, “Are you…going to go home?” The hope in your voice borders on desperation.

Carmy was silent for a moment, hands moving to lift your shirt just underneath your breast before he placed his warm cheek back in its previous position. The news skin-on-skin contact sends chills through both of you. 

“Everything with Mikey kinda made me think about us.” Carmy’s thumb came up, to caress against your rib, dangerously close to your breast. “It just kind of puts into perspective that the people you care about can be here one day…and gone the next.”

The avoidance of your original question was not lost on you, but Carmy opening up may have been better than whatever argument the initial qualm might impose. 

“Baby I-,” you looked at Carmy as he adjusted his position one hand resting against your sternum, his chin plopping onto it. “I um.” He stopped, you followed his movements watching as his eyes closed and he took a deep breath.

“For a while, I’ve known that I feel something for you, but I-I don’t think I can give you what you want.” Your hand slipped from his hair to cup his cheek, hanging on to every word leaving his lips.

Carmy leaned into the palm of your hand, letting himself melt into your touch, cherishing the few moments he had left with you. “And I can’t promise any commitment after today.” The rapid beating of Carmy’s chest could be felt on your stomach, the crack in his voice raising a small smile to your lips. 

You sat up in bed. Carmy looked up at you as you held his chin in your hand, thumb softly tracing his lips as you committed his features to memory. The tiny scars marring his face, the few beauty marks dotted around, connecting them would create a new constellation you swore you’d remember forever. 

Carmy was honest with you, and that’s all you asked of him. Neither of you could promise each other a happy ending after you parted ways and while that hurt, it didn’t make sense to ruin the remaining time the two of you had left dwelling on the future.

“Carmen,” you waited for him to lock eyes with you, a sad smile spread across your features, tears you could no longer hold back coming forth. “I know.” 

Carmy’s lips pressed into your thumb before he gently cupped your neck and reached up so your lips connected. This was only the third kiss the two of you shared, but the intangible love and intimacy that could be felt through the single press of your lips would never dwindle, not for as long as the two of you surrounded yourself with each other.

He raised to his knees both hands entrapping your face, all his passion being poured into this one kiss. Carmy was slightly above you now, the angle forcing you to raise your head to stay connected. His thumb began unconsciously caressing the ‘B’ behind your left ear, a small part of you that had stuck with him ever since he discovered it five years ago.

The kiss intensified as you slipped your tongue between his lips, hands gripping onto his hips as he towered above you in this position. Your tongue moved languidly inside his mouth, small noises escaping the both of you.

Carmy pulled the hair at the nape of your neck, the motion removing your lips from his. “Did you mean what you said?” His breath left him in a huff.

“What?” You were slightly out of breath yourself, confused at what the hell Carmy was on about. 

“What you said about this,” his thumb swiped back and forth against the ‘B’ inked into your skin. “Would you take my last name?” 

You bit your lip, eyes lidded as you searched Carmy’s face, hand moving to grip his soft chin between your forefinger and thumb raising onto your knees so the two of you were eye level.

“Would you like that Carmen? If I let you give me your last name?” A patronizing smile graced your lips, the air between you charged. 

Carmy surged forward hungry for a taste of you, his hands gripped your hair to tug on it a strangled gasp leaving you. The strength with which Carmy took your lips into his forcing your back into the mattress beneath you two, his body hovering over yours. 

Your hand left its place on his chin sliding down to his shoulders caressing the little skin his tank top allowed you to feel. Hands traveling across his chest, the feeling of his toned body under your palms making you needy. You finally made it to the hem of his shirt tugging it up to give you access to the warm skin of his torso.

Carmy parted from you, snatching the shirt over his head before diving back in. Lips leading him to his favorite feature of yours. Your hands wrapped around his shoulders pulling him flush against you, Carmy’s lips ravished your neck as he nipped from your jawline down to your pulse point, teeth sinking in a bit harder.

“Fuck Carmy.” The delicious feeling of Carmen's body against yours, his lips exploring you, hands gripping the skin of your revealed waist. All of it led to the thrust of your hips up into his, it was selfish but you needed him, not that you would force him but whatever he would give you would have to be enough.

Carmy’s sharp intake of breath drew your attention as his hips relentlessly ground into you, hand wandering up your shirt to cup your breast thumb accidentally tracing your nipple. 

Your loud gasp alarmed him. He quickly parted from you saliva connected your lips together as you both took in each other’s disheveled appearances.

“Did I-did I do something wrong?” Sweet Carmy worried that he had ruined the moment. 

You sat up rapidly shaking your head as you stared into his eyes, the both of you breathing heavily, “No, no it was great I promise.”

Carmy nodded gently tracing your jawline as he looked at you, “Baby…I want this moment with you.” The mumble made your heart race, this was a big deal it would change whatever this relationship between the two of you was. 

“Carmy…we don’t have to do anything you aren’t ready for.” You searched his eyes hoping he didn’t feel pressured by the noises you were making.

“Have you…done this before?” Carmy forced himself to keep looking at you regardless of the blush he could feel painting his cheeks.

The small nod you gave relieved him a bit, “Does that bother you?” You didn’t think Camry would mind but you knew the male species could be unpredictable. 

“God no, I just don’t wanna disappoint you.” He finally looked away from you embarrassed to have admitted something so personal. 

“You won’t.” You sent him a small smile before guiding his hands to the hem of your shirt helping him to pull it over your head. Watching his beautiful face take in everything you had to offer him. 

His throat bobbed as he took in a large gulp, you could see the uncertainty in his eyes, proving you’d have to take the reins on this one, not that you minded. The thought of telling Carmy how to pleasure you warmed you up even more. 

Your finger reached out to lift Carmy’s chin, directing his eyes to yours, “What do you want to do to me, Carmen?” 

You watched as he blinked eyes tracing your figure, “I just wanna appreciate you, Baby.” The words left his lips in a whisper.

You were taken aback never having heard that before while being intimate. His hands slowly settled on your waist, the safest option “How should I…do that.”

You smiled moving one of his hands to cup your breast, shuddering at the skin-to-skin contact, “We can start with kissing, then I want you to do whatever feels right okay?”

Carmy nodded, giving your breast a slight squeeze a whimper drawing out of you, taking account of your reaction he gently began rubbing his thumb across your pebbled nipple watching your body writhe at the small action. 

He leaned forward pressing a gentle kiss into your forehead, lips moving to your left cheek then your right. A small kiss pressed into each of your closed eyelids and the tip of your nose. Each corner of your lips got its turn before his lips found the space between your nose and upper lip. One more kiss pressed into your chin before finally ending with a sweet kiss to your lips, cherishing every inch of your face he had kissed.

Carmy made his way to your jawline, starting at the right side and tracing to your left, nipping every so often as he continued his journey. Lips slowly tracing from your jawline to your neck, he wasn’t sure what it was but seeing your neck on display for him made him feral, his hips grinding into your as he decorated your neck in love bites. 

“Lay down f’me.” You eagerly listened watching as Carmy planted another soft kiss into your lips before following the map of your collarbones. Lips pressing into your upper chest as both hands came up to softly knead your breast. 

You could feel Carmy’s hard-on pressing against you, as much as you were enjoying this, all you wanted in the world was to finally please Carmy. You slipped your hand between your bodies sliding into the waistband of his boxers, hand gripping him as a strangled moan parted his lips. The soft caress of your hand against him caused his head to spin, this felt different from the times he would stroke himself thinking about you.

“Does this feel good, Carmy?” Your voice was a little deeper, more sensual as you questioned him. “Do you wish it was me making you cum on those lonely nights, hmm?

“Fuck…yes.” The whine of his voice went straight to your core, spurring you on more. 

Your strokes became a little firmer, applying more pressure to provide him more pleasure. His length twitched against your palm the more you rubbed. Carmy had lost all sense of his own ministrations grinding into your hand while still on top of you, he could feel himself close to ecstasy the feel of your warm body underneath him making him lose all control.

“Ba-Baby stop.” You froze immediately forcing your hormones under wrap, Carmy’s comfortability your priority. 

“Are you okay Carm?” The worry in your voice was obvious as you removed your hand from its grip on him. 

“Ye-yeah, I just want to please you right now.” Carmy’s hand moved to grip your rib cage thumb running back and forth against your under boob, “Can I continue showing my appreciation.” The slight desperation in his voice caused you to rapidly nod your head. 

Carmy gave you a small shy smile, moving to kiss the spot he had been tracing during this time. His lips painted across your whole torso, paying extra attention to your stomach, ideas he wasn’t ready to give merit to racing through his mind as he did so.

Finally, he paused at your hips, the solid cotton panties you wore obscured his path, nose caressing the front of your panties as he took in a deep breath allowing your aroma to invade his senses. “Are you going to take off my panties, Carmy?” The condescending tone in your voice went straight to his throbbing cock.

He nodded, wasting no time in peeling the fabric from its home around your hips, ready to replace it with his bare hands. Carmy raised to his haunches, unconsciously licking his lips at the sight of your naked body sprawled so prettily across his bed. All of you on show just for him.

Carmy returned to his previous task lips pressing wet delicate kisses into each of your hips bones, a lingering one placed at the base of your pelvis before turning his attention to your thighs. Lips trailing down your leg special attention paid to the crook of your knees and ankles. 

Carmy’s eyes found yours as he placed the last kiss on your right ankle, both of your pupils blown from the sequence of events that had just taken place. 

You beckoned Carmy forward urging him to find you once again. As he drew closer you grabbed one of his hands placing it on your right breast before moving it down so it caressed the rest of your torso, and down your pelvis finally stopping before the place you needed his touch most.

This was your way of giving him an out, the two of you could stop right here if he wanted to, the slight nod of his head told you otherwise. 

Your grip on his hand changed as you grabbed his forefinger and middle finger, your free hand parting your lower lips as you traced his fingers through your slick, a filthy moan escaping into the bedroom as Carmy’s calloused fingers finally stroked you.

“Do you feel that Carmy?” He nodded his head, eyes not leaving yours for a minute. “It's all for you, you made me feel this good.” 

You moved his fingers lower watching his face as you glided his two fingers into you, biting your lower lip at the hunger in you that was finally being tended to.

Carmy’s mouth fell open as he watched the ecstasy wash over your face, lost in the feeling of touching you in the most intimate way he had ever touched anyone before. His head dropped, eyes watching as you slowly swallowed his fingers, in and out the movement making him achingly hard. 

Carmy’s lips dropped to your ear a shy whisper caressing your ear, “I want to be inside you.” The vulnerability in Carmy’s voice caused you to bite your lip, satisfied that he was finally speaking up about what he wanted. 

“You are.” You teased him, clenching around his digits as his eyes drank you in.

You let out a whine as he removed his fingers from your grip, hand pressing your hip into the bed as he stared you down. “Please…I want this…with you.” The words unsaid weighing heavily between you two.  

“Are you sure that’s what you want?” You watched as he slipped out of his boxers, stroking himself as you watched and waited for your instructions. You motioned for him to lay atop you more noses brushing as he got into position, “I’ll guide you, but I need you to go slow okay, it’ll be a tight fit.” 

Carmy nodded his head, neither of you daring to ask about any contraception too lost in the thoughts of finally connecting in ways the two of you had only dreamed of.

You would come to regret the consequences of this decision later.

A smile split your lips before you surged up to capture Carmy’s lips, needing to distract yourself.

You guided him to your entrance only allowing the tip to go in to not overwhelm Carmy. Your mouth fell open in the shape of an ‘o’ as Carmy eagerly thrust into you, your hand raised to his shoulder to stop his movements.

“Carm, slowly, please.” His eyes met yours taking in the slight pain that his intrusion had caused, he nodded hand raising to cup your cheek.

“You look so beautiful like this.” A tender moment was shared between the two of you as you urged Carmy to continue his journey, shuddered moans escaping the both of you as he reached the hilt.

The feeling of finally being full with Carmy made you emotional, both of you just taking a moment to gaze at each other. Appreciating the finality of this all, Carmy leaned down to kiss a tear running down your cheek that escaped, his own eyes welling up, neither of you could find the right words to cement how much this moment meant to the two of you.

Carmy pulsed inside you the movement caused you to clench around him, “You did so good for me Carmy.” The praise went straight to his cock, eyes rolling back at how good a few words made him feel. 

“Can you move for me, Carm, it’ll make us both feel good.” The soft thrust of his hips was enough for you. 

He continued the slow motion of his hips, eyes connected with yours as the ghost of those three words he struggled to say filtered between the two of you. Your hand raised to wipe the single tear sliding down his cheek.

Nothing in the world could take this moment from the two of you. If Aphrodite could tell the story of your love she would describe it as a tangible heartbreaking thing always growing, and most times fleeting. Something both you and Carmy could touch, feel, and breathe. The love filtering between the two of you was clear as day to anyone who had a heart. 

The warm muscular hand pressed into the flesh of your hip bone driving you crazy. The fingers pressed into you harder and harder with each accompanying thrust. One hand pressed into the pillow by your head keeping the body atop of you from crushing you under its weight. You appreciated the cautionary position, but you had longed for this connection for what felt like ages and you would gladly welcome the weight of the perspiring chest burying you further into the mattress.

A golden gleam caught your eye taking you away from how the tattooed knuckles flexed against your hip every few seconds. You looked to see his golden chain dangling back and forth above your face, taunting you. The sway of the metal matched the rocking motion of his hips, the synchronicity of the two things driving you absolutely wild. Eyes concentrated on the gold chain it was almost like a switch was flipped in you and the catalyst was that fucking gold chain.

Your eyes moved to his face, his pupils blown wide as he stared down at you. You parted your lips his intense gaze causing you to clench down on him unconsciously, his eyes rolling back as his hand left its spot on your hip traveling up your torso thumb softly brushing over your nipple as it found its destination cupping your cheek with such intensity you were sure the shape of his thumb would be imprinted onto your jaw.

His eyes found yours once more, his thumb moving a few inches to softly caress your bottom lip. Your mouth opened on instinct to leisurely suck on his digit a hoarse ‘Fuck’ leaving the warm body that was making you feel so good. You released his thumb, feeling it tug at your bottom lip as his hand found its way back to your cheek.

You watched him above you, the ecstasy in his eyes warming your skin, you’d do anything to be able to please him if he always looked at you in that way. The flash of gold from his chain caught your attention again, the angle of his thrust causing you to gasp, a softly whispered moan of “Carmy,” leaving your lips. Carmy’s chain hovered above your open mouth begging to be taken between your teeth, you appeased your desires, your tongue latching onto the chain as you brought it to settle between your teeth. Carmy’s hips fucking into you at a slightly faster pace, your leg wrapping around his waist the heel of your foot pressing into his back to bring the two of you impossibly closer. 

“Fuck-Baby, shit!” Watching Carmy struggle for words had never been as sexy as it was at that moment. Knowing that you were the cause of his incoherent muttering. 

“Please, Carmy,” another gasp ripped through you, your teeth losing hold of Carmy’s signature gold chain. “Mmm yes, Carmen. Just like that.” You settled for whispering in his ear, the new position you had chosen had his head resting against your collarbone, his ear directly next to your mouth. You could feel Carmy’s hand moving from your cheek to clench your jaw between his thumb and remaining fingers. His hand moved your head to reveal your neck the feeling of soft wet kisses making a path to your ear, Carmy’s thrust slowing slightly.

You could feel his breath against your cheek, the soft whine he let out as your cunt clenched around him. His lips pressed against the shell of your ear, “Say that again.” His rough voice traveled through you, the thumping of your clit beating faster and faster.

“Just like that.” You moaned wanting to please him as much as he wanted to please you. 

His fingers dug into your chin, the roughness of his touch causing a high-pitched moan to leave your lips. “Sa-say my name?” The request made your head spin.

“Carm-,” Carmy’s hand returned to its earlier position holding himself above you causing your leg to drop back to the bed.

“N-no,” the strain in his voice was evident as he tilted your head down to stare directly into your eyes. “M-my name sa-say it. Please.” 

You bit your lip his whiny plea going straight to your clit. Your hand reachesdup to match his fingers gripping his chin firmly. Your blown pupils searching his wide doe eyes. It was hard to distinguish where the blue began and the black ended. Your faces were inches apart, you could tell from his breathing that your grip on his chin stirred something inside him. The soft rocking of his hips into yours caused your bottom lips to caress each other in the rhythm he had set.

“Carmen.” The syllables of his name left your mouth in a wanton moan, there was a moment where the thrusting of Carmy’s hips came to a slow stop before he surged forward and messily captured your lips in a kiss full of tongues and moans. Carmy’s hips began rutting into yours, the speed and intensity sending you both into a spiral. Your hand lost its grip on his chin to slither between your bodies matching Carmy’s pace and applying it to your clit. 

The grip on your chin was gone as Carmy’s hand followed the path yours had previously taken sending a soft squeeze to your breast. “Te-teach me how.” God you could’ve cum from that sentence alone. You began rapidly nodding your head before placing your hand atop his own guiding his index and middle finger into generously massaging your clit. 

“Car-Carmen, don’t stop please don’t stop.” Your voice leaves you in a sharp cry.

“Yeah? Is this good?” Your unabashed moan did more to answer Carmy’s question than any words could.

“Carmeee, I’m gonna come, please.” The banging of the headboard against the wall an indication of just how fast Carmy was thrusting into you.

“Whe-where should I-,” You could hear the slight panic in Carmy’s voice, assuming he was on the cusps of an orgasm as well.

“In me Carmy jus- all of it.” His fingers pressed into your clit going at a pace your brain couldn’t keep up with.

The speed of Carmy’s breathing increased. His head finding its way back into the crook of your neck, lips scattering kisses across your neck, “I’ll give it to you all. M’ gonna give you everything.” The sound of Carmen’s voice so quiet you weren’t sure if he had intended anyone else’s ears to hear it.

Whatever Carmen’s intentions his words were the last thing you needed to hear before bliss took over your senses. Your orgasm washed over you in waves, the intensity causing loud moans to escape your lips, clenching Carmy’s cock so hard you were sure it must’ve been painful. 

Riding the high of your orgasm, Carmen’s deep drawn-out groan vibrated into your neck as you felt him give two final rapid thrusts before the dam he had been holding back finally burst inside you. You felt his thrust slow down as he began peppering kisses across your face, “Thank you, thank you.” His voice trailed off into a whisper before his full body weight settled into you.

Now that the bed was no longer threatening to put a hole through his wall, the only sound filling the bedroom was the panting breaths you and Carmy were letting out.

Carmy looked up at you, the wetness on his cheeks matching yours. His forehead leaned against yours the vulnerability the two of you had for each other on full show. Breaths of love were shared between you as your lips gently touched. You knew the words you wanted to say at this moment, felt them so deep in your soul that your tears wouldn’t cease their downpour.

But you also knew how flighty the beautiful man in front of you was, it hurt but you would once again have to swallow your love for this man to ensure he remained in your life.

You laughed as Carmy hovered atop of you the Polaroid he gifted you in his hands the device raised to his eye. Your arm was thrown over your face the fact that the two of you were in this position at all still mind blowing . Carmy nudged your arm, he had been snapping photos of you for a while now, both of you ignoring the fact that he should have been getting ready for work instead of laying with your naked body barely covered under him. 

“Show me that smile, pretty girl,” you slowly moved your arm, the smile splitting your face hard to control. “You seem to like my chain so much, I want to remember what you look like in it.” Carmy could be devilish when he wanted to, the way he would sometimes gain confidence and say what was on his mind, throwing you for a loop.

Your eyes left the camera in his hand as you stared at his face, so enchanted with who Carmy was as a person. Only being jolted out of your trance as the Polaroid fluttered out of the camera and landed on the center of your chest. 

Carmy moved the camera smiling down at you before picking up the photo and examining it, the corner of his lips ticking up in a half smile. He placed the picture on the other pillow where all the other Polaroids were sprawled out. You watched as he set the camera down next to your head cupping your jaw before leaning down and pressing a firm kiss into your forehead a mumbled ‘Perfect’ escaped his lips. 

“Will you take a picture with me Carmy,” your words came out shyly hoping he would agree. You felt his nose nuzzle into your neck planting a small kiss on your tattoo before moving to lay next to you in the bed. 

You reached over to plant a soft kiss on his cheek before grabbing the camera from its spot by your head. You raised it watching as the soft smile graced Carmy’s face, your eyes not wanting to leave the perfect view of his side profile that you had fallen in love with, finger accidentally slipping, the sound of the camera shutter filled the space between you too.

Carmy pulled the photo out waiting for it to develop as he looked in your direction. A wide grin took over his face just by looking at you, your hand began lowering the camera before his hand shot out and raised your hand, and the camera back up quickly pressing your finger into the button to capture this moment in time. 

You let him grab the camera from your hands before he placed it on the nightstand, once again holding your face in place as the two of you shared your softest kiss yet. 

— — — —

You watched as Carmy maneuvered around his room slipping into a clean pair of chef whites, he was late and you could tell he was panicking on the inside but didn’t want to worry you. The two of you had wasted away in the shower washing each other's bodies and holding each other under the hot spray of water. Neither of you wanted to leave the confines of the shower, knowing your time together was finally expiring.

You sat on the bed with your legs pulled up to your chest, chin resting atop them, a fresh pair of panties, and his deep green crew neck from last night your only form of clothing. The tension between the two of you had been broken the moment Carmy realized just how behind schedule he was, shoving reality down your throat as the game of pretending the two of you had been playing was finally snuffed out.

Carmy’s eyes landed on you in his rush clocking the glaze of your eyes, head not rationalizing why you might be upset at the moment. Finally gathering all his necessities he rushed over to you kneeling in front of you pressing one last kiss onto your forehead.

“I’ll be home soon, yeah.” You closed your eyes, the words breaking your heart into pieces.

“Yeah, be safe okay?” Carmy smiled, capturing your lips in his for the last time tonight hand cupping the back of your head to hold you in place.

The two of you separated small side smiles mirroring each other, both of you knew that Carmy would return home to an empty apartment tonight, but neither of you would voice that truth. 

You followed him to the front door needing to see him off before your return to Chicago. He opened the door lingering between the door and the hallway hand gripping yours before pressing a soft kiss into the pulse point at your wrist.

You shared small smiles as Carmy made his way to leave, sending you one last wave before he disappeared down the hallway.

Your closed the door, forehead pressing into it as you stood there trying to gain your bearings, doing your best to control your tears as you knew this moment was inevitable.

A soft “I love you, Carmen.” Breathed into the empty apartment soft enough for it to feel like a ghost had whispered those words and not you.

But not quiet enough that the man who returned on the other side of the door missed the declaration. 

Heart thudding in his chest. His hand ready to turn the keys in the doorknob dropped to his side. His feet shuffled backward as he took one last glance at the door before reverting to his journey to work.

He could go one day without his signature chain that he had so lovingly placed around your delicate neck.

a/n: idk what to say really…enjoy : ) [actually no this is my first smut so please let’s learn from carmy’s mistakes and don’t come for me 😉] i’m like the only person on the planet who thinks i’m funny that’s how laughable it is 😭

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