#mikey the bear

[freshbakedbreadstick]

No. 1 Party Anthem - Mikey Berzatto x F!Reader - MASTERLIST

CURRENTLY IN PROGRESS

Summary: The Berzattos were your family; Natalie was one of your closest friends, Carmy was the person you could rely on, and Mikey was... the love of your life. But after Mikey's death, running away seemed to be the only thing that calmed that feeling of fear and depression from consuming you whole. After running for so long, a sign in the form of a text brought you back home and back to The Beef. Whether or not this was a good idea, you didn't know, but you did know that one day, you would have to stop running. And it seemed like returning would try and make you.

Relationships Involved:

Past!Mikey Berzatto x F!Reader

Carmy Berzatto x F!Platonic!Reader

Richie Herimovich x F!Platonic!Reader

Natalie "Sugar" Berzatto x F!Platonic!Reader

WARNING, the following slow burn story tends to be on the darker and heavier side, dealing with and containing mentions of death, mental illnesses, grief, toxic relationships, unhealthy coping mechanisms, anxiety and panic attacks, and more. Please check the warnings mentioned in the beginning of each chapter for a detailed list of what each chapter contains. Like all my work regardless of the content, this story is for 18+ readers only, minors do not view or interact. You have been warned.

Chapters:

PROLOGUE

CHAPTER ONE

CHAPTER TWO

CHAPTER THREE

CHAPTER FOUR

CHAPTER FIVE

CHAPTER SIX

CHAPTER SEVEN

CHAPTER EIGHT

CHAPTER NINE

CHAPTER TEN

[indifferent-depravity]

CW: dub-con incest, age gap, minor mention of drug abuse and being high

Minors DNI 18+

A/N: happy birthday to me! hope y’all enjoy :)

~~~

You stuff your hand over your mouth, hot tears burning tracks down your cheeks as a strangled sob rips from your throat. Christmas dinner at the Berzatto’s has always been a stressful time but your mom is really on a warpath tonight, scrutinizing everything you do to try to help.

“Baby Bear? Where’d you disappear to?”

Your eyes fly open at Mikey’s gravelly voice just beyond the closed door of the pantry and you clear your throat, roughly scrubbing your sleeve over your eyes as you call out, “in here, Mikey!” The handle rattles as he pulls the door open and you shoot him a weak half-smile, stretching up to reach a box of crackers on the top shelf. “Mama wanted me to get some crackers for Tiff.” Mikey cocks an eyebrow at your weak excuse, easily reaching up to grab the box for you.

“I don’t think grabbing some fuckin’ crackers takes ten minutes, what’s really going on?” His voice is soft as he hands you the box and your face falls at the question, fresh tears burning your eyes. He sighs and pulls you against his chest, trapping your arms between your bodies.

“I can’t do anything right, Bear. Mama- she just keeps screaming at me and it-it feels like everyone else doesn’t want me here.” You sob, the cardboard box collapsing underneath your tightening grip.

Mikey rests his cheek on the top of your head, running a soothing hand down your back, “Now you know that ain’t true, baby, you’re such a good girl all the time, it'd be a crime not to want to be around you.” You let out a quiet hiccuping laugh and his lips curl into a smile, turning his head to press a kiss to your hair.

You pull your face away from his chest to wipe your eyes and he grins, cupping your cheek to pull your forehead against his. “There’s my girl.” He says quietly with a grin, “don’t let mom ruin Christmas for you, yeah? Keep being good and once everyone’s gone, I’ll give you your present.”

You let your eyes flutter shut, a small smile sneaking onto your face. “Okay, I promise.” You grin at him, “do I get a hint on what you got me?”

Mikey laughs and pecks your cheek, brushing his lips over the corner of your mouth, “Cheeky girl, where’s the fun if you’re not surprised, huh?” You giggle and wind your arms around his waist, squeezing him tightly.

“Never hurts to ask, right?” You tease, eyes sliding shut as you linger in his warm embrace, “Thank you, Bear.”

He hums, bending down to press a kiss to the top of your head, “It’s nothin’, Baby Bear, I’m always gonna be here for you.”

More tears threaten to spill and you squeeze your eyes shut, taking in a deep breath to let the smell of his cologne calm you before stepping away. “I should really get these to Tiff.” You say, shaking the half crushed box, “you promise they don’t hate me?”

“If they do, they’ll answer to me, yeah? Don’t let them get in that pretty head of yours.” Mikey shares a reassuring smile with you, dropping down to kiss your head one last time before heading back to the gathering. You press your lips together as he returns to being his boisterous self, loud voice spilling through the rest of the house.

After dropping off the crackers with Tiffany and fussing over her when another wave of nausea ran through her, you drag your feet back to the living room, loitering in the doorway as your heart pounds at the constant chatter between guests.

You force a smile when Mikey notices you, curling in on yourself as he gestures you over to him. Without a stutter in his words he wraps an arm around your waist and guides you onto his lap, smoothing a reassuring hand down your back as he talks. You curl into him, tucking your face into his neck to hide from the eyes of everyone, perfectly content to just listen as Mikey commands the room.

“And I thought incest was a southern thing! Who’d have thought we’d see it from my own son and daughter!”

Mikey stiffens under you and your body burns with mortification, pulling away from your hiding place in Mikey’s neck to look at your mom, “Mama!”

“What?” She laughs, nearly choking on her last sip of wine, “I’m just saying what everyone else is thinking, Baby Bear, what kinda siblings sit like that?”

Mikey glares at Donna, opening his mouth to defend himself when you slide off his lap, curling in on yourself. He resigns to glaring at her and touches your back gently, leaning down to whisper, “Don’t listen to her, she’s just trying to start shit.” You just nod, shifting away from his touch as tears burn your eyes.

An awkward air fills the room as the conversation tries to move away from Donna’s outburst and you take your chance to slip away, busying yourself with readying the table for dinner. The heavy thud of boots makes you glance up, your stomach twisting at the sheepish look on Mikey’s face. “Baby Bear, you know I’d never-”

“So this is where you ran off to!”

A cold trickle runs down your spine as Lee wraps an arm low around your waist, fingers just barely brushing against your hip bone through your jeans. Lee shot Mikey a shit-eating glare and tugs you against his side, “what are you doing, hiding away in here with him?” He spits the last word like an insult and Mikey bares his teeth in a snarl, stepping forward to pull you away from him.

“I-I just wanted to make sure the table was set, I know Mama’s almost done cooking.” You answer nervously, eyes flickering between the two men. “I should actually… see if she needs help, please excuse me.” You extract yourself from Lee’s grasp, shuddering as his hand glides over the globe of your ass. You hurry to the kitchen, plastering a smile on your face as Donna turns to you with a dish full of food.

“Put this down and go tell everyone it’s time to eat. Go, hurry!”

You nod frantically and carefully balance the hot dish as you move as quickly as you dart back into the dining room, barely sparing a glance at the two men still locked in a standoff before dipping your head into the living room to call out, “foods up!”

You go back to the kitchen to help your mom and by the time you get into the dining room with the final platter, the only seat available is between Mikey and Lee. You take a deep breath, slowly letting it out as you move to sit down. You stiffen in your seat as Lee’s hand drops to your lap to squeeze your knee. Mikey lets out a deep growl and glares at Lee, reaching over to force his hand off your leg, “how about you keep your fucking hands to yourself, huh?”

Lee laughs, “Yeah like you could follow that rule! You think I don’t know what you and Baby Bear have been up to? Maybe if you stopped dreaming about your dick in her mouth maybe tonight wouldn’t have been so stressful for your mom.”

Your eyes widen, nails digging into your palms as Mikey scoffs, slamming his hand against the table before pointing accusingly at Lee, “Don’t you dare say shit like that in front of her! You know damn well you could’ve gotten your head out of your ass and helped too!”

You gently touch Mikey’s arm, sharing a pleading look with him, “Hey. Just leave him, Bear, okay?” You shake your head as you speak softly, “This isn’t worth it, please.” His face softens and you give him a small smile.

“Don’t act like I didn’t catch you in her bedroom the other day! Your poor mother’s at her wit’s end because you’re just some sick junkie pervert that can’t keep his hands off his own sister!” Lee yells, “How long has it been going on, huh? Did you get addicted to the pills first or was the guilt of fucking your little sister too much to handle sober?”

The room falls silent, everyone exchanging silent glances, trying to decide who to believe. No one could believe Mikey would ever hurt you but… the Mikey they saw in front of them, the one high on pills, who knows what he could do. You stand abruptly, knocking your chair over as you look around the room for a moment, almost pleading with them to come to your defense. Tears of humiliation burn your eyes as you rush from the room, finding solace in your bedroom as the first sob rips from your chest.

You’re curled up on your bed when someone knocks lightly on your door. Sniffling, you sit up, calling out for them to open the door. Michelle pokes her head in and you manage a small smile, wiping your face with your sleeve, “What a shitshow, huh? Sorry for just running out like that.” Your voice cracks and she shoots you a sad smile, moving to sit next to you.

“None of that was your fault, honey. What they were saying about you and Mikey, I…” She trails off into a deep breath, “I was talking to Carmy earlier and I invited him to come stay in New York with me for a couple weeks.”

You nod, picking at your nails, “He’d love that, I know things have been stressful for him recently.”

“For you, too.” You look up at her questioningly and she sighs, turning to face you, “Baby Bear, I think you should come with us.” She begins, placing her hand on your knee, “with everything going on, I think you need some space from M- from everything… you could spend some time with Carmy and maybe find a good school to go to out there.”

You press your lips together in a firm line to stop them from wobbling as a fresh wave of tears builds in your eyes, “from Mikey, you mean? You want me to just leave Mikey like that?” A look of betrayal washes over your face, “who would he have if I’m gone? No. No, I can't go with you.” You finish with a shake of your head, pushing her hand off your leg.

“Honey, don’t say no yet, okay? I’m not leaving until next week, you’ve got time.” Desperation laces her voice as she stands up from your bed. “Just… think about it?” You turn your head to avoid her gaze and she sighs, lingering for a moment before leaving.

You take a shuddering breath and flop back down onto your bed, letting your comforter muffle your quiet sobs. Another knock causes you to jump, scrubbing your eyes furiously to hide the evidence as you croak, “D-doors open!” You steel yourself for more nosy relatives, pressing your lips together as you will back your tears.

“Baby Bear?”

Your facade breaks when Mikey’s face comes into view and you jump off your bed to crush him into a hug. “I’m sorry for leaving you down there alone I just- I just couldn’t-'' Your voice cracks as the words of your Uncle Lee replay in your mind, pressing your face hard against his chest “You’re not what he says! You’re my big brother, you'd never hurt me, why can’t people see that!”

His laugh vibrates through your body as his arms come up to wrap around your shoulders, “People see what they wanna see, Baby Bear, you know that.” His voice is laced with hurt and you look up at him, heart twisting painfully at the defeated look on his face.

You tighten your arms around him, “Well they’re wrong, you’re the only one that really cares ‘bout me.”

Your words bring a smile to his face and he leans down to kiss your forehead, “I’ll always care about you, you’re my baby bear.”

“Come cuddle with me,” You demand and tug at him, sending him stumbling against you as you walk backward toward your bed.

He lets out a shocked laugh, grabbing your shoulders to steady himself before he’s sent sprawling on top of you across the bed, “Careful, Baby Bear! Nearly made me crush you.”

A pout forms on your lips and you tug at him again, pulling him down nearly on top of you on the bed, “I’m not that fragile!”

Mikey snorts but lets you maneuver him to your liking before curling up against his chest. He grabs the hand you slung over his chest, pressing a gentle kiss to your fingers, “no, you’re not. You’re a big, strong bear like me, huh?”

You giggle and lace your fingers with his, marveling as his hand engulfs yours, “Yeah! That way we can take care of each other.”

“That’s right, baby.” He smiles and leans his head back against your pillows, running his thumb over your shoulder as a comfortable silence falls over the room. He looks out of place against the frills of your bedding, the same sheets you’ve had your whole childhood.

You trace invisible shapes into his chest, letting the slow movement of his breathing calm you. “Michelle came to talk to me after the fight.” You whisper, not wanting to disturb the peacefulness, “She wants me to go back to New York with her for a while. Says it would be good for me.”

“Oh yeah?”

You nod against his chest, “I don’t know… maybe it’s a good idea with everything that… that Mama is accusing you of.”

His breathing stutters and you look up at him questioningly. “You’d leave me, just like that?” He asks, speaking over you as you open your mouth to reply, “You’re all I got Baby Bear, if you leave there’d be nothing left for me here.”

Grief fills your face and you shake your head furiously, sitting up farther to pepper his face with kisses. “Don’t say things like that, Mikey! You’ll always have me, ‘m not going anywhere!” You exclaim, wrapping yourself around him in a tight hug.

Mikey nods and leans up to catch your lips with his, missing his mark and catching your cheek instead. His hands glide over your sides, gripping your waist tightly as he twists to pin you underneath his weight. “I love you, Baby Bear.” He whispers as he finally finds your mouth, forcing his tongue past your lips in a sloppy kiss. You gasp and grip his shirt, too shocked to respond as he kisses you slowly.

He’s breathing heavily when he pulls away, resting his forehead against yours. “M-Mikey, I think you need to go to your room.” You say hesitantly, pushing against his chest, “What if Mama catches us, you could go to jail.”

He shakes his head and dips down for another kiss, hand slipping down your body to grab a handful of your ass. A reluctant moan slips from your throat as he drags your core over his hardening bulge and he groans in response, grinding harder against you.

“You’re always so worried about everyone else, just think of us for once.” He murmurs, trailing hot kisses down your neck, “Everyone already thinks we’re having sex, why fight it?” You shake your head, letting out a gasp as he nibbles your pulse point. He dips his fingers between your thighs, humming quietly as he finds your panties soaked with your wetness.

You throw your head back with a whine as Mikey pushes his fingers past the barrier of your panties and sinks his fingers into your core. He slowly thrusts them into your cunt, groaning at each quiet whimper slipping past your lips. “M-Mikey stop! They’re going to hear us!”

He shakes his head, curling his against your sweet spot, “Don’t worry, Baby Bear, they’re too shit-faced to care what we’re up to.” Mikey presses his lips against yours as he coaxes a third finger into you, drinking in your moans. Your hips stutter, torn between arching towards the pleasure and away from it.

Mikey hums, other hand dropping down to free his cock from his jeans, “tha’s it baby, ready for my cock?” You shake your head, a gasp catching in your throat as he grinds his cock against the softness of your inner thigh. He curls his fingers inside your cunt, forcing a loud moan out of you and grins, “Yeah you are, don’t worry baby, I’ll make you feel good.”

He pulls his fingers out, chuckling softly at your whine, and blindly wraps his hand around his cock. You squirm underneath him, pressing your palms against his chest as he glides the tip through your folds, “I-I don’t think we should be doing thi-” you lose your words on a choked gasp as his cock sinks into your cunt.

Mikey lets out a shaky breath, resting his forehead against yours as he rolls his hips, slowly pushing deeper with each thrust, “been wanting this for so long, Baby Bear, feel so good around me.” He growls, gritting his teeth as he bottoms out inside you. Your breath comes out in short pants, cunt clenching around his thick length.

“Mikey…” You whine as he grinds against you, a hot shock of pleasure jolting through your spine, “We should s-stop.” He shakes his head, forcing his mouth over yours in a heated kiss. His hands grip your thighs, using the leverage to drive his hips harder into you. The room fills with quiet squeaking, your bed frame thunking gently against the wall with each thrust.

You throw your head back against your pillows with a loud moan as his cock angles perfectly against your sweet spot. Mikey slaps his hand over your mouth and shushes you, leaning close to your ear. “Y’need to stay quiet, princess, want Ma to hear? Or Uncle Lee? I saw how he was touchin’ you tonight, I think he’d try to join. Don’t want that, do you?”

You shake your head frantically, biting down hard on your lip as another moan bubbles from your chest. Mikey gives you a mock pout, thrusts speeding up as he murmurs, “I know, I know Baby Bear, it feels too good, huh? Love your big brother's cock in your little pussy.” Mikey loses his rhythm as he looks down at you, nearly angelic with your eyes half-lidded with pleasure, your hair sprawled across the princess pink of your pillows like a halo.

Mikey grinds his fingers against your clit and the taste of blood fills your mouth as your teeth break through the skin of your lip in your attempt to stifle your noises. You clench around him as his fingers push you closer to the edge and he grins, thrusting harder into you. “I can feel how close you are, Baby Bear. C’mon, you can let go.” His fingers move against you faster and your body arches against him, muscles tightening as you teeter on the edge. “Yeah jus’ like that, cum on your brother’s cock.”

Tears burn your eyes as your orgasm rips through you, shaking beneath him as overwhelming pleasure frays your nerves. Mikey lets out a choked grunt, hands moving to pull your hips flush against his as you clench around him, drawing his orgasm from him.

Mikey carefully shifts onto his side, his frame dwarfing the small bed as he pulls you tightly against his chest to keep you from falling off. He presses a gentle kiss to your lips, mouth curving into a smile as you kiss back. “Merry Christmas, Baby Bear.”

[miraclesabound]

All of This is Temporary

Summary: What should have been Mikey and Reader's special night goes sideways, and unfortunately, it never gets fixed.

Pairing: Mikey Berzatto x F!Reader, pre-relationship

Notes: This idea of Mikey and his friend getting thrown out of some VIP event came to me in a dream (and the music cue as well). A surprise cameo from one of my other favorite characters from a different show, because he showed up in the dream too. Also on AO3.

Warnings: Spoilers for The Bear, canon-typical language, classism, unrequited (?) love, addiction themes, tragic ending (mention of Mikey's suicide)

Tags: @pettyprocrastination, @cinewhore, @phoenixhalliwell, @nolita-fairytale

NOVEMBER 2021

The movie that Mikey won tickets for is at Doc Films , and given the place's history, you and Mikey are almost more dressed for an opera than a movie. He's done out in an old but clean tux, bow tie and cummerbund included - and you bought yourself a silver dress with matching clutch. You may not be a couple, but you take internal satisfaction in knowing how good you two look together right now.

The main thing that's important to you is that, at least from what you can tell, Mikey is fully sober this evening. You know you're not his keeper, but you feel some pride on his behalf - whatever he's strugging with, he's made the effort for you tonight, and that warms your heart.

However, that warmth sours in your stomach when you actually get to the theater. When you and Mikey walk in, it's clear that this is a much smaller event than you thought - and that you and Mikey are WILDLY overdressed. Of the maybe twenty total people there, the only other person dressed formally is a gruff-looking man whose hair is almost as dark as Mikey's is. In his case, he's wearing a strikingly modern all-black suit.

Mikey smiles when he sees the other man and gives him a hearty handshake. "Roy fuckin' Kent! What brings ya this way?"

Roy shrugs, but he accepts Mikey's handshake just the same. "Mikey Berzatto, ya old dog - just takin' some travel time - Coach Lasso fuckin' insisted... And who's this, then?"

Mikey introduces you, explaining that Roy had visited The Beef by accident a few years back during an exhibition tour in the States. "You better come in for a couple sandwiches tomorrow for lunch, ya hear me?" he tells Roy. "Won't take no for an answer!"

"Wouldn't miss it," Roy says. You and Mikey take your seats on Roy's other side.

A woman a few seats away chimes in with: "Oh, you two look so nice - is that your tux?" You don't care for the look of her - she comes across like someone trying to draw Mikey's sister Natalie from a mirror image only.

You want to believe that she's just being nice, but something about her tone is venomous, and Mikey must feel the same way. His response is icy. " 'Course it's mine, why wouldn't it be?"

"You're Michael Berzatto, right?"

"Yeah?"

"My cousins love your shop - I guess I'm just wondering why a sandwich shop owner would need to buy a tux instead of renting one; that's all."

If you didn't know better, you'd think she was trying to call you and Mikey tacky. Apparently Roy feels the same way, because he leans over towards her and says, "Oi, Pam, knock it off, yeah? Movie's startin'."

"Pam..." you think to yourself. "Why does that name sound familiar?" The lights turn off, and you smile to yourself when you hear a familiar musical sting playing for the movie intro.

"Don't call me by my name...all of this is temporary..."

You know this song very well, and you can't help but hum along. To your pleasant surprise, you swear that Roy is humming too. Who knew such a brash guy liked Halsey? Neither of you notice Mikey staring at you like you hung the moon and stars.

Suddenly the lights come up, and that woman who looks like Natalie's evil twin is standing in front of you, a sickening smile on her face. "Miss, you're going to have to leave," she tells you. "This is an exclusive event, and you're causing a disturbance."

Roy, God bless the man, speaks up for you - and thank goodness, because you feel like you're going to vaporize from embarrassment. "Pam, it's nothin', I was humming too."

"You're a VIP, Roy, and she isn't. It's my movie, and if I want her and her ridiculous disco ball of a dress out of here, that's my prerogative." Shit, you realize. This is Pam Stratford, the writer that Mikey enjoys so much. No wonder he was excited to get these tickets...

Mikey pulls you into his side - almost as if he expects Pam to take a swing at you. "Listen, I've always liked your work, but you don't get to talk to my g- - my friend like that - we got our tickets fair and square."

You can see that flash in Mikey's eyes that means either a bender or a fight is coming, and you don't want to see him arrested. Pam seems like the type to call the police in faster than they're needed. Pushing lightly against his chest, you say "Bear, it's ok, I'll just go..."

"Then I'm leavin' too," he says. "Roy, I'll catch ya tomorrow - Pam? You can go fuck yourself for bein' a snobby bitch." The silence is deafening as you two leave the theater, but the outraged look on Pam's face is almost worth it.

You shudder as you step out into the night air, even with Mikey holding you and blasting like a furnace. "It's cold - take me home?"

"Yeah, let's get you back before you freeze."

--

The train ride back to your neighborhood is quiet, and it's not until the two of you are walking up to your stoop that Mikey says, "Pam was wrong - you look gorgeous in that dress, and that's God's honest truth."

You smile at him. "You clean up pretty well yourself."

"Do we...wanna try this again some other time?" he asks, holding your purse for you as you dig out your keys. "Maybe not a movie, but some other excuse to dress up?"

"I'd like that, Bear," you agree. "Let's aim for after Christmas - I know how nutty things get for you during December."

"Then it's a date?" Mikey asks. He doesn't mean to put you on the spot, but if you don't feel the same way he does, he'd rather know now.

Your smile grows even wider. "It's a date - we'll nail down details after New Years." With a sudden burst of bravery, you hug him tight and kiss his cheek. "G'night, my bear."

--

Unfortunately, the holidays madness makes Mikey spiral in a bad way, and he never texts you back about the date. In fact, you don't realize as you turn to open your door that this will be the last time you see him alive.

[thegirlwhowatchedeverything]

Claire: Mikey was cool. Like, he would set something on fire.

(2x5)

---

This always struck me as interesting and kind of scary way to categorize "cool" so these were my immediate thoughts:

Mikey overrode the gas suppressant system so that it wouldn't shut off if he were to purposefully burn down the restaurant for the insurance money.

(2x1, 2x8)

---

Carmy attempts to light his cigarette on the burner which causes the stovetop to go up in flames. Carmy stares blankly at the fire as Tina and Gary put it out and Richie checks in on him.

(1x8)

---

Carmy: I started a fryer fire the night after I won Food and Wine's Best New Chef; nearly burned the place down.

Marcus: For real?

Carmy: For real. This weird thing happens too; you have this minute where you're watching the fire and you're thinking, "If I don't do anything, this place will burn down and all of my anxiety will go away with it."

Marcus: And then you put the fire out.

Carmy: Then you put the fire out.

(1x5)

---

Carmy: I woke up in the middle of the night cooking a bunch of wrapped frozen shit. I almost set my apartment on fire.

Nat: Does that happen a lot?

Carmy: Sometimes.

(1x2)

---

Carmy: Thank you for driving.

Claire: It was perfect timing. I had all this extra adrenaline after resetting this guy's tibia.

Carmy: Whoa. Does this shit like really fucking fire you up?

Claire: It fucking fires me up. Plus I love driving.

Carmy: Really?

Claire: Well, no. I'm a horrible driver, but I enjoy the risk of it.

Carmy: I should be worried. then.

Claire: Yeah, real worried.

(2x5)

---

Carmy: Just kids running around.

Claire: Shoplifting, yeah.

Carmy: What?!

Claire: I shoplifted from Walgreens many times.

Carmy: What would you shoplift?

Claire: Gum.

Carmy: Gum?

Claire: Obviously gum, so much gum.

Carmy: That's, um, that's a problem, Claire.

Claire: It's really thrilling.

(2x5)

___

Someone smarter than me please help me break this down.

Claire seems like a thrill seeker/adrenaline junky.

Carmy does not seem to be so much.

Then there's the Mikey of it all.

[cosmic-light-fics]

Hi

I just watched the last episode of season 1. And I can’t help but wonder why does Carmy text Syd BEFORE opening the letter Michael left to him ?????

Hello! Sorry it's taken me a while to answer this, I wanted to give you my thorough interpretation of why Carmy texted Sydney first.

It's one of the biggest head scratchers of the season, and I'm not entirely sure my response will cover the entire scope as to why Carmy delayed opening Mikey's letter to him in order to text Sydney. For me, a sizeable part of the answer lies in the way Carmy dealt with his personal problems throughout the whole season.

He's been rightfully called out as avoidant when it comes to addressing other people's emotions, even his own. In the beginning of the season, it is stressed that he is avoiding his sister Natalie who has been trying to reach him ever since he took over The Beef. He won't stop working to acknowledge the feelings he has of losing his brother, but he's trying to be open to it. That's why he winds up going to the Al-Anon meetings. At first, he doesn't speak. He's only at the meetings to listen. But towards the end of the season, when he finally has his big speech, we see Carmy finally ready to talk about Mikey.

Now, how does this relate back to Sydney? I think the glaring thing about their connection is that he is always honest and open with her. Whenever he is upset, he tells her why. Whenever she's upset, Carmy tries to understand why. He always apologizes to her after a dispute and asks if they are okay, if she's okay. I think she's the only person at the restaurant that Carmy's felt comfortable enough to tell about his Al-Anon meetings. There is an implicit trust and respect Carmy has with Sydney (something that steadily grew over the course of the season), and that type of trust bypasses his avoidant tendencies, but not completely.

When he reaches his boiling point in episode 7 and lashes out at Sydney, I think he was too consumed with the to-go disaster to fully grasp what he'd done to drive her away. Sydney put up with a lot of shit that whole season, but the thing that completely pushed her over the edge was Carmy's behavior. And he knew that. But there is some time that passes from Sydney quitting to him finally texting her. In that little pocket of time is his avoidance. This is the first time in the whole season where Carmy doesn't apologize to Sydney in the same day. He avoids contacting her right up until the moment he is about the open Mikey's letter. Even when Tina asks what time Syd would be coming to work, Carmy avoids telling her that Sydney quit, almost like he doesn't want to acknowledge that truth.

Carmy finding Sydney's notebook before Richie gives him Mikey's letter is the catalyst that breaks his avoidance. The truth is plain in his eyes as he looks down at her braised ribs and risotto recipe. He deeply, deeply cares for her as a person and highly respects her as a chef. And I believe undoubtedly that being confronted with something so personal of hers was the wake up call for him to own to his awful behavior.

So when it gets to the scene where we are all expecting Carmy to open Mikey's letter and he doesn't, instead choosing to text Sydney, I believe that the moment shows how the connection he has with Sydney bypasses his avoidant tendencies. He's scared and not forthright with her at the beginning of his texts ("No acid") because he is still not sure how to be completely open, but texting her is the biggest step of him reaching out first to someone he really cares about.

Also, I must add that narratively speaking Carmy already atoned with Mikey at the beginning of the episode in his Al-Anon speech. If he'd had the letter before the speech, I don't think he would have texted Sydney first. And it's hinted throughout the last episode that Sydney was heavily on his mind (ex: a clip of him yelling at her when he's having his panic attack, "you're dressed like Syd," and him staring into her little notebook like it was her soul).

I hope this long ass post makes a little bit of sense. I'm not that great at putting all my jumbled thoughts together cohesively. The biggest thing I wanted to impress upon in this answer to your question was Carmy avoiding the people he cares about, avoiding the emotions that come with being open, and how Sydney is the one person he can't seem to hide from. He always wants to be open with her, he doesn't want to avoid her, even if that means getting out of his own way.

[november-rising]

I was journaling:

"I'm glad she (my younger sister) got the better genes. I'm glad she's not me."

Yes, I was referencing to my MH but also my medical issues.

Is this how Michael felt about his younger siblings? Is that how Natalie felt? Is this what Carmen was feeling and, simultaneously fighting against his whole life?

Siblings trying to protect (parent) their other siblings is such a wide scope. Very interesting...

They were all trying to be good for Donna and the idea of their absentee father. And, later in life, they wanted to protect and provide as their adult selves - to be good enough for each other. To prove that all that hardship wasn't for naught.

Who knew a burned out white male would speak to this Black woman...? UGH

[janothergay]

The Bear hit all the right notes: a story that pulls you in with perfect casting, character development and a banging soundtrack. Like I knew it would be good but I sure as hell wasn’t ready. If you have family trauma be prepared to get slapped in the face and to want to set something on fire. All of that to say I haven’t gotten over it and I don’t think I ever will.

[wallywestwonderer]

I’ve never had so much anxiety watching a TV show than I have when I watch s2 ep6 of The Bear cause hOLY SHIT HE THREW THE FORK-

[lokisdeadlol]

guys!! i just started to write my first the best fanfic!!

[atlabeth]

geyser

series masterlist

pairing: luke castellan x daughter of poseidon!reader

summary: percy learns about the first girl luke castellan ever loved.

a/n: this is a lil sad. sorry about that. but i really like it and it came out of nowhere in like 2 days so i hope you enjoy despite the sadness. title from the mitski song

wc: 6.5k

warning(s): major character death; not shown but hangs over the whole fic. angst made angstier by fluffy flashbacks. mostly told through percy’s pov but includes luke, annabeth, and reader povs

also if you saw this before on another account DONT WORRY... that account was also me. im just doing some stuff behind the scenes right now as i figure stuff out lol i promise no plagiarism is going on

Percy thought that his head might explode. 

He didn’t know how he was still walking, honestly. His mom died, he killed a— no, the— Minotaur, all the Greek myths were real and his dad was one of them, and now he had to deal with that freak accident with Clarisse and the toilets. 

At least he would be ready next time she tried to beat him up. Percy had been the new kid enough to know there would be a next time.

All he could do was stare at the Minotaur horn in his hands, the only sign that what happened outside the border was real. The horn in his hands and the hole in his heart. 

Percy swallowed the lump in his throat. He’d been thrown into the deep end, and the only thing on his mind was when he would start to drown. 

“Hey.” Percy looked up to see the counselor he’d met earlier with Annabeth—Luke. He tossed a ziploc bag at him and he caught it, taking a moment to look at what was in it. 

“I stole you some toiletries from the camp store,” he explained. “Thought it might make you feel more at home.” 

“…Thanks.” He didn’t know if Luke was joking, but the damage had already been done. And it was the nicest thing someone had done for him so far. He set it down next to his Minotaur shoebox. “Is this the best that it gets?” 

Luke’s lips quirked up in a slight smile. “For now. We’re a little crowded, if you couldn’t tell.” 

“Just a little bit.” Percy stood up from his sleeping bag and worked out the knot in his shoulder. “Where’s your bed? Assuming you have one.” 

“I couldn’t wrangle all these cats without some back support,” he said, and he pointed to a bed in the corner. It was the only one on its own without a bunk, and he had a fair amount of decorations. Counselor privileges, he figured. Percy walked over, Luke trailing behind him. 

“Nice place,” he said. Percy picked up the Yankee’s cap on his bedside table and nodded as he looked back at him. “Nice taste.” 

“It’s for Annabeth,” Luke said. “She wanted us to match.” 

Percy nodded again in approval. “Good taste for both of you.”

Luke had various other things around — an alarm clock knocked over next to the baseball cap, a huskie sticker on the wall half-scraped off, a poster for an album he didn’t recognize. 

But the thing that caught his eye was a polaroid hanging on the wall, surrounded by a smattering of others varying in size. 

The first one had to be an old picture—Luke didn’t have his scar, and the biggest smile stretched across his face. He had a girl close with an arm slung around her waist, and she might’ve been smiling even more than Luke. A bright energy emanated around her, something that must have transferred through the picture, because Percy found himself feeling a little better just looking at her. He wondered if she was a camper. 

His eyes flicked to the next picture, which was another one of Luke and that girl. They were both laughing as she tried to put a blue hat on Luke’s head, and he protested with a hand on her wrist. They were in the forefront of a baseball game, Percy noticed.

There were other pictures, too—Luke, a girl dressed all punk, and what looked like a young version of Annabeth, most notably—but a majority of them were either Luke and that girl, or the girl all on her own. In every single one, she beamed brighter than the sun. 

Percy pointed at the picture of Luke and the girl at the baseball game, his curiosity getting the better of him. “Who’s that?”

That seemed to catch Luke off-guard, his lips parting for a moment as if he wanted to say something. It barely took him any time to get back on track, but Percy found himself frowning. 

“That’s…” Luke cleared his throat, wet his lips, shook his head. “A friend. A very good friend.”

“Does she go here?” Percy asked. 

“She did.” 

He frowned. “Where is she, then?” 

“Percy—” Luke’s voice was strained, but he didn’t really notice as he went on. 

“I didn’t see her around,” he continued, “and you look pretty close.” 

Luke blinked a couple times, and Percy swore he could see the telltale glimmer of tears starting in his eyes. A muscle worked in his jaw, and suddenly Percy was worried that he’d said something horribly wrong. He had a talent for that, it seemed. 

Fortunately, he was saved by the bell—conch shell?—and something like relief flooded through Luke’s expression. Tension still coiled in his body. 

“Come on,” he said, that camp counselor smile coming back as he put his hand on Percy’s shoulder and guided him away from the enclave. “That means dinner’s about to start.”

Percy’s frown deepened as curiosity won out again. “Was she your—”

“You don’t wanna be late,” Luke continued, ignoring his attempt. “I assume you’re pretty hungry after two days spent out?”

Well, that only made him want to push harder. But Percy figured he wouldn’t get anything out of him—especially not now. 

“…Yeah,” Percy said. “Starving.”

An odd look flickered across his face, but again, it only lasted for a second before he was back to normal. He cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled, “Eleven! Fall in!” 

Percy was at the back of the line by virtue of him being the new kid, and he found himself looking back at that picture of Luke and the girl. He didn’t know why, but something drew him to her. Before Percy could think about it more, the line was moving and his growling stomach drew his attention away. 

He would have plenty of time to ask Luke about it later. 

Or rather, ask him and piss off the only person who’d tried to be his friend so far. 

…Gods. 

Maybe he was going to drown sooner than he thought. 

-

“Luke—” 

“No!” 

“Luke, please!” 

“Annabeth will kill me if she knows—” 

“She won’t know!” 

“Alright, alright— stay still, you two!” 

Your mother laughed from behind the camera as you and Luke fought with each other, you trying your damnedest to get your Red Sox cap on his head as he tried his damnedest to stop you. The frantic laughter on both sides made it a little difficult for either of you to succeed in your quest, but eventually, you got the rock up the hill and the hat on his head. 

“Take the picture, Mom!” you exclaimed, pulling Luke even closer by his arms so he couldn’t get it off. “I need the proof!” 

“I knew this was a bad idea,” Luke groaned, staring at the camera as you wrapped your arm around his side and leaned into him. He could already imagine your victorious smile, brighter than the sun beating down on them in the stadium, and just the thought of it made one of his own flit across his lips. 

“Oh, shut up, Castellan,” you said. “You chose to come to this game. Everyone’s gonna know you’re a Red Sox fan now.”

“You said you wouldn’t tell her!” Luke defended, wrenching his arms free of your control to take the hat off his head. “I don’t even care about baseball!” 

“You care so much about it,” you said cloyingly, “and you’re ride or die for the Boston Red Sox.” 

“If you say a single word—” 

“Okay, kids!” Your mother pointed at the seats next to her. “The game’s about to start—you can keep arguing, but only if you sit down so I can see.” 

“Sorry, Mom.” You grinned at her as you pulled Luke over to your seats—they were a step up from nosebleeds, but they were the ones closest to the balcony so you could at least peer over the railing down to the diamond.

“It’s alright, sweetheart.” She glanced at Luke with a smile, and he could really see where you got it from. “We’ve gotta make him a fan somehow.” 

“I guess I can live with the brand.” Luke set the cap back on your head once you were seated, purposefully pulling the brim a little over your eyes, and he smiled at you. “Even though it looks better on you, anyways.” 

“You just don’t have what it takes to be a Red Sox fan in the heart of Yank territory,” you mused, pushing the hat back up so you could see. “It’s fine.” 

Luke rolled his eyes, but he could hardly bite back his smile. 

“I am glad you came, though,” you said, glancing back at him. “I’m glad you came with me in the first place. This is gonna be the best semester.”

“Thanks for having me,” Luke said. “It’s… it’s been a while since I’ve left camp.” 

“Fingers crossed for no monster attacks, eh?” You held up your hand. “At least, not during the game. I could live with it happening any other time.” 

“Don’t speak it into existence,” your mom said. “We’re going to have a monster-free school year.” 

To humor her, you made a claw over your heart and pushed out. She hummed in satisfaction, and you looked over at Luke. “It’s gonna be fine.” 

“Yeah,” he said. “Because two kids like us aren’t gonna draw any attention.” 

“Oh, I know we will,” you said. “But I know it’ll be fine.” 

Luke frowned. “How can you be so sure?” 

You shrugged with a smile. “I’ve got you.”

And in that moment, he was thankful for the freakish heat that honestly made no sense in the spring—at least it covered up any sign of what your words did to him. 

Luke thought you were joking when you asked him if he wanted to come back home with you for the school year. He didn’t know why you wanted to go back in the first place, being a Big Three kid that apparently had a death wish, but the thought of him leaving camp was almost inconceivable. 

Even after you assured him you weren’t joking, he still wasn’t sure. He was on the run with you for three years, then… 

Well, he couldn’t think about it for too long. But Luke had been on the outskirts of regular society for so long, doing nothing but fighting for his life, that he didn’t know if he could actually function at a normal school.

But it felt right for you two to get some normal time together after you were separated for so long. It took him a semester to decide, but one day during your usual Iris message conversations, he told you he’d love to spend the rest of the year in Boston with you. Luke still remembered the grin you wore, your disbelieving but victorious cheers, the apology you yelled back at your mother for your noise. 

Luke watched you as you talked with your mom, discussing Boston’s chances and player statistics and baseball jargon he didn’t think he’d ever understand, and he knew he would sit through a thousand Red Sox games if it meant he would get to keep seeing your smile.

You must have felt his eyes on you, because you glanced over at him. “Are you okay?” 

Luke smiled. Gods, he was so glad you were here. 

“Never better.” 

-

“That one nearly got me,” Luke said. 

Percy huffed as he picked up his sword from the ground—he was pretty sure he would officially lose his mind if Luke disarmed him with that stupid move one more time. One benefit to the Hermes cabin being too scared to associate with him after getting claimed was that he wasn’t making a fool out of himself in front of other people. 

“Maybe I can only beat you when I pour water on myself,” he said. 

Luke chuckled as he took a bottle from the cooler on the side and held it up. “Wanna try?” 

He shook his head. “I think my arms will fall off if I keep going with you.” 

He tipped his shoulder. “Fair.” 

Percy stared at the ground as Luke gathered himself, trying to put the free range thoughts roaming around his head in order. It didn’t help that he’d gained a million questions after Poseidon claimed him, and it didn’t help that there’s been a newest addition to his dream last night. 

He still felt strange asking Luke about it, but he had to know more about her. Percy didn’t know why it felt like his mission to find out who this mysterious girl was, or why he felt that strange connection to her. Maybe it was the way Luke acted whenever he brought her up, maybe it was that she’d popped up in his dream next to him at the very end, maybe it was just plain old curiosity. 

“I’m not supposed to be alive,” Percy said, breaking the silence. “I could die at any time in a bunch of different horrible ways. So will you tell me more about that girl on your wall?”  

Again, Luke seemed to be caught off guard by it. Percy heard the crunch of plastic as his hand clenched ever so slightly around the bottle, and he tried to cover it up with an arched eyebrow. “Why do you want to know so badly?” 

He shrugged. What was he supposed to say? 

“I’m curious,” he decided. 

Luke huffed a dry laugh before he took a sip of water, and he stared off into the distance for a while. He did a lot of staring whenever this girl was brought up. They looked like they were best friends in those pictures, but maybe whatever they had ended badly. And if she was a demigod too…

Well, it would make sense why he didn’t want to talk about her. 

“You know that phrase about curiosity?” Luke asked. 

“And how it killed the cat?” 

He nodded, drinking some more. “It goes double for demigods.” 

“Everything else wants to kill me,” Percy said. “So curiosity’s gonna have to get in line.” 

Luke’s laugh was a little more genuine this time, and he shook his head. “I guess I can tell you a little about her. You actually probably have a right to know.” 

“Is she a half-blood?” Percy asked immediately. 

He nodded. “Yeah.” 

“Who’s her parent?” 

Luke capped his water bottle and looked at Percy for a good, long moment. His face glowed in the warm afternoon sun, his scar cast in a softer light than usual. The scar used to unnerve him, but he’d gotten used to it after weeks staring at it during sword fighting. 

“She was a child of Poseidon, Percy,” he said. “Just like you.” 

Percy felt short of breath, like Luke had just knocked his sword out of his hand and shoved him to the ground. But he stood on his own two legs that somehow still worked, and Luke hadn’t moved. 

He had a sister? 

“I have a sister?” 

“…Had,” Luke corrected. “She… she died a few years back.” 

A vice latched onto Percy’s heart. He was still having a hard time breathing. No wonder Luke always used past tense when he was talking about her. 

He had a sister, he wasn’t alone, but he was because she was dead. And if Luke was one of her friends, that meant she died young. 

Gods. 

“What about their oath?” Percy asked, trying to ignore the aching in his chest. “I’m already on thin ice for my whole existing thing. How did Poseidon get away with two kids so close to each other?” 

Luke shrugged. “I’ve never known why gods do things. Her mother was a great woman, though—I could see what drew Poseidon to her against the oath.” 

One half of Percy wanted to ask every question that kept popping into his head. The other side of him wanted to break down and cry. 

“How did you meet her?” 

“We ran into each other when we were both young,” he said. “Both child runaways, both demigods, both New Englanders—we decided to rough it out on the road together. Couldn’t be any worse than doing it on our own.”

Percy tried to imagine it. A young Luke and a younger version of that girl—maybe Percy’s age—living together in the wilderness and fighting monsters. Surviving off of nothing but their wit and skill, facing death each day before they’d even reached middle school. 

“It… it didn’t happen then, did it?” he asked hesitantly. 

Luke shook his head. “Couple years later. All we did was watch each other’s backs out there.” 

Percy couldn’t help himself. “What happened to her?”  

“The same thing that happens to everyone,” Luke said flatly. “There’s a reason I’m the oldest one here.” 

“That doesn’t make it better,” Percy insisted. “It— it makes it worse, Luke. You see that, right?”  

Luke stared at his empty water bottle then tossed it back into the cooler. When his gaze met Percy’s, he was shocked by how… tired he looked. Beyond exhausted—bone-weary. Percy wanted to say more, but he didn’t get the chance. 

“This isn’t good conversation,” Luke said, “and it’s getting late. You should hit the showers before dinner.” 

The sun still beat down on them, bright and angry in the sky, but Percy provided no argument. He had a lot to think about. 

Before they went their separate ways, Percy stopped and looked back at him. “I’m sorry she’s gone, Luke.” 

Luke’s gaze went unfocused for a moment, his eyes growing glossy. “So am I.” 

-

Percy sat on the floor of the Hermes cabin in the corner that used to be his, staring at his meager belongings. He had to decide what to take on his quest, which was made easier by the fact that he hardly had anything to his name. Things could always be worse, though. At least he would have a change of clothes. 

He should’ve been doing this in his own cabin, but it felt too empty, too suffocating in its silence. Eleven was still more familiar. He heard the door open and saw Luke walk in, and his eyes lit up when he saw Percy. 

“Hey,” he said. “I wanted to see you before you left. How’re you feeling pre-quest?” 

“Like the world’s about to end,” he said. 

Luke’s lips twitched into a smile as he sat on the bed across from Percy. “Understandable. It kinda is.” 

“It’s just overwhelming.” Percy shoved the unfolded clothes into his backpack. “I have to clear mine and my dad’s names and get Zeus’s bolt back, or else war will start. No pressure at all.” 

“You were chosen for a reason,” Luke said. “You may not see it, Percy, but you’ve improved a lot since you got here. If anyone can do this, I think it’s you.” 

Percy looked up at him, and he was reminded of the way their last conversation went. He was asking before he could really stop himself. 

“I could die on this quest and never see you again,” Percy said. “So could you tell me more about my sister before I go?”  

Luke smiled wistfully and sighed. “You really won’t let this go, will you?” 

“It’s not really something you just let go,” he said. “Besides, I… I saw her in my dream last night.” 

Luke’s smile faded. “You did?”  

Percy nodded. “For a split second, but I know it was her. I felt the same way I did whenever I looked at her pictures. And… it’s the second time she’s shown up.” 

He let out a long sigh and shook his head, his gaze trailing off to the wall. He always looked so much older when he talked about this girl, like he was a war veteran reminiscing on his lost love. And from what he’d gathered, it might not have been too far off. 

“I told you we ran together when we were young,” he said, and Percy nodded. “We were both nine, and it should’ve been terrible, but she had a way of making everything better. Always found the bright side of things, was always able to make me laugh.” 

“She was from Massachusetts—right in the middle of Boston.” Luke chuckled as he looked at Percy. “Huge Red Sox fan.” 

Percy grimaced. “We all make mistakes.” 

Luke smiled, though it faded a bit. “We got separated for a while, but we found each other again when I got to camp. Things were more peaceful than they are now, so she’d been claimed at camp pretty quickly. I figure Poseidon wanted her to have the protection of him openly standing behind her after what happened.” 

He frowned. “What do you mean, ‘what happened’?” 

Luke shook his head. “That would be an awful story to send you off on.” 

Percy wanted to protest, but he didn’t. Luke was probably right—Percy didn’t want to make him relive it and then have to go on a death quest right after.

“A happier part, then,” he suggested.

“She ran away from home as a kid to protect her mom, but now that she had an idea of what she was doing, she started going back to school. She invited me to stay with her during the school year one year, and I accepted. That—” Luke’s throat bobbed, and the other hand clenched into a fist— “that was when she died.” 

In his stunned silence, Luke got up and went over to his alcove. He pulled the drawer open on his bedside table and pulled out a neatly folded piece of paper. It must’ve been folded and crumpled a million other times in messier ways by all the creases he could see, but when Luke opened it, he could see handwriting all over the front. 

A letter. 

“We Iris messaged each other constantly while she was at school,” he said, “and we wrote back and forth when we couldn’t. This was the last letter she sent me.” 

Percy’s first instinct was to say he wouldn’t be able to read it, but he realized that he didn’t really care. These were words that his sister wrote—he would sit here the rest of the day forcing sentences to make sense if that was what it took. 

So he took the letter when Luke offered it. 

To the one and only Luke Castellan, 

My mom said yes! After a very long interrogation (she now knows basically everything about you) and a million promises that you would be as careful as possible and that you were good enough at sword fighting to take down anything that could come after us, she said you can spend the year here. We spent a couple hours every day making my mom’s study into a guest room, so you have a place to stay.

I’m an idiot that didn’t bring enough drachmas so that’s why I have to send this letter—hopefully it gets to you soon enough, because we’re gonna come get you a week before my winter break is over. Mom is letting me drive down because she says I have to get my permit soon. It makes sense that my first big test is getting to you. If we don’t make it, it’s because we died in a fiery crash. 

Just kidding. I’m a great driver. But tell me some of your favorite songs when you reply and I’ll burn a CD for the ride—I figured out how to use LimeWire. Oh, and throw in a couple drachmas with the envelope so I can Iris message you next time. I miss your face and your voice, and my hand is cramping up writing all of this. 

But this is so exciting! I can’t wait to introduce you to all my friends at school, and show you my favorite places in the city, and make you into a Red Sox fan. And you can come to my soccer games— I’m the greatest forward there is. 

Jokes aside, I’m going to make sure you have the best time. We’ll spend every second together, Luke. We’re gonna make up for the time we lost. 

I can’t wait to see you again.

Your hurricane.  

It took Percy a long time to get through it with the words swimming all over, and it didn’t help that his vision had grown blurry. 

Tears, he realized as he blinked, and he did it again to make sure they wouldn’t fall. He couldn’t cry in front of Luke, not over a girl he didn’t even know—even if she was his sister. But maybe he was grieving that—the fact that he would never get to know her. 

“God, man. I— I’m sorry.” Percy couldn’t think of anything else to say. “She sounds like she was great.” 

Luke couldn’t even manage a smile this time as he stared at the wall. Percy was surprised he could even talk to him about it. 

“She was,” he murmured. “You would’ve liked her. And gods,” this time, a bit of a smile broke through despite it all, “she would have loved a little brother.” 

“I’m gonna make her proud on this quest,” Percy vowed. “I’m gonna clear our dad’s name for her.”

Something in Luke’s gaze had changed—sadness, almost regret. “You’re a good kid, Percy. I hope your quest doesn’t change that.” 

I hope I come back alive, he wanted to say. But given the topic matter, he didn’t. Percy carefully folded the letter back up and handed it to Luke. 

“Thank you for telling me about her, man,” Percy said. “I… I know it can’t be easy.”

Luke let out a shuddering breath as he stared at the closed letter—Percy wondered how many times he must have sat in this same position, reading her words. “No better way to honor her memory than helping her brother.” He glanced at Percy. “I see a lot of her in you.” 

He’d been wondering if he had anything in common with her. Percy felt a sudden flare of anger shoot through him—it wasn’t fair that she was dead. Poseidon was a god, and she was a teenager. He should have saved her. 

Percy’s mouth was drier than a desert. A part of him wanted to curl up in a ball and sob over the sister he never got the chance to know, but the other part of him knew—from what little Luke had told him about her—that she wouldn’t want him to. 

“I should get going,” Percy said, standing up from the floor. “We have to leave for the quest soon, and Annabeth and Grover are probably wondering where I am, and…” 

Percy trailed off, and Luke nodded in understanding. He turned around and took one of the photos off the wall—one of you alone in the middle of a park, wearing a bucket hat and absolutely beaming. 

“You deserve to have a part of her with you,” he said. “For good luck.” 

He felt himself choking up, and he pushed it down as he accepted the photo. “Thanks, man. It means a lot.”

“Good luck, Percy,” Luke said. “You’ve got a lot of people rooting for you.”

Percy found himself studying the picture of you once he made it outside, trying to memorize your face. With your wide, infectious smile that emanated pure sunlight, he could have mistaken you for an Apollo kid. But when he looked at you, he got that same warmth that he felt every time he imagined his father. 

“I won’t let you down,” he murmured. “I promise.” 

-

After sleeping in his train seat for half the day, Percy vowed to never complain about his bed in Cabin Three again. He was gonna be going down to the Underworld with permanent cricks in his neck. 

Grover was still sound asleep—Percy envied him for how easily it came to him in the worst conditions—but thankfully, Annabeth wasn’t. Her gaze was focused on the view as their train chugged along. 

Percy cleared his throat in a flawless attempt at getting her attention, and it worked. 

“You’re awake,” she said. 

“Unfortunately.” Percy sighed. “How much longer do you think it’ll be?” 

“Another day, at least,” she said. “And we’ve got a layover in St. Louis.” 

“St. Louis,” he hummed. “Nice.” 

They sat in silence for a while—there wasn’t much to talk about when they were coming off of two— or was it three, now?—near-death experiences. But eventually, Annabeth cleared her throat, taking a page from his book, and it worked again. 

“There— there’s probably something you should know,” Annabeth said, and that worked even better than clearing her throat. “You’re not the only Big Three kid to come through Camp Half-blood lately.” 

“I know,” he said. “Grover and Luke explained it.” 

Her eyes widened slightly and she leaned forward in her seat. “Luke did?” 

“…Yeah. You all already told me about Thalia.” Percy glanced away, suddenly feeling a chill in the train car. “Luke told me about my sister.” 

Annabeth went silent. 

“It’s okay,” he said. “I kind of annoyed Luke until he told me. Doesn’t really seem like a subject people at camp like to talk about.” 

“I’m just surprised he did,” she murmured. “They were… they were close, Percy. Her death destroyed him—Thalia and your sister. All of it’s complicated.”  

“Yeah,” he sighed, “I got some of that.” 

“I only knew her for a year at camp, but everyone loved her,” she said. “She was nice. Popular. Always helped when she could, always had the biggest, most infectious smile on her face.” Annabeth looked down at her hands. “She didn’t deserve the fate she got.” 

Percy didn’t think he’d ever grieved so much for someone he never knew. “But her and Luke—were they…?” 

“Yeah,” Annabeth said, “they were a thing, later on.” 

That seemed to be all she wanted to say on the matter. Percy decided not to push. 

“How did you meet her?” he asked. 

Annabeth’s lips pressed into a thin line. “I met her on the day I thought I would die.”

-

For the first time in her life, Annabeth Chase couldn’t think. 

It had all happened so fast. One second she was running with Luke and Thalia and Grover, praying to her mother and any other gods that would listen to make the horde of monsters let up even a centimeter.

The next, she’d collapsed on the ground, never so grateful to have grass and dirt and dust in her face. But she could hear Luke yelling, barely able to make it out in her delirious state—she didn’t know when she’d last had a sip of water, and they’d been running for at least three miles—but he sounded hysterical. 

She remembered her last clear thought: they weren’t going to make it. 

But they had. They had, so why was Luke losing his mind? 

Annabeth pulled herself up from the ground—how long had she been bleeding out of those slashes on her arm?—and looked for the rest of her friends. Luke wasn’t yelling anymore, instead arguing with someone she didn’t recognize in a bright orange shirt. Grover’s furry legs trembled as he stared down the hill they’d just gotten up, completely silent, and Thalia— 

Where was Thalia? 

Annabeth tried to get up but her legs gave out almost immediately, and steady arms caught her before she could fall to the ground again. Kind eyes served to ease some of her panic—she was older than Annabeth, maybe around Luke or Thalia’s age. 

Thalia— 

“Hey, you’re okay,” the voice said, and Annabeth’s attention was drawn back to you. “I’ve got you.” 

“Where’s Thalia?” she blurted out, because now she couldn’t think of anything else. 

Your brows creased and you glanced back down the hill—Annabeth did too, and she saw Grover and Luke arguing with each other. Or rather, Luke was yelling at him as Grover anxiously hooked his hands through his hair. 

“I don’t know,” you said, “but right now, I need to make sure you’re okay. Are you hurt?” 

Annabeth absentmindedly held up her arm, but she was only focused on her friends. Why wasn’t Thalia with them? Why was Luke so upset?

You cursed under your breath in Ancient Greek as you cradled her arm, and you looked back down the hill. Annabeth could see at least half a dozen other kids. 

“We’ve got two half-bloods and a satyr, one injured!” you yelled back. “Get Molly and Brayden!” 

“Three,” Annabeth found herself saying. “There’s three half-bloods—” 

“Annabeth!” 

Her head shot up at the sound of Luke calling her name as he bounded over, and her eyes widened at the blood steadily spidering across the fabric of his shirt. 

“Luke, you’re hurt—” 

“I’m fine,” he insisted. “It’s fine.” 

“We have Apollo kids coming,” you said, looking up at him, still cradling Annabeth’s arm. “We’ll get y—” 

Your sentence stuck in your throat, and Annabeth could see tears welling in your eyes as your brows furrowed. She thought Luke’s eyes might burst out of his skull as he stared at you, his lips parted but nothing coming out. Neither of you were able to form words. 

When he finally did get something out, it was a single name. One Annabeth knew by heart, one that he’d mourned for years. 

“Luke?” you whispered. 

Before he had the chance to do anything, two teenagers got over the hill and called out your name, the same one Luke used. He always said you were dead, but you clearly weren’t dead, because you were here and you had her arm in your grasp and while your hands were cold, they weren’t cold enough to be dead— 

“Molly’s gonna take care of you,” you said, looking back at Annabeth and cutting off her inner dialogue. “She’ll get you to the infirmary and heal you up, okay?” 

“My friends—” 

“They’re gonna be okay too,” you said. “I promise.” 

Annabeth looked up at Luke, and he nodded. “We’ll be with you soon, Annabeth. We— we have to talk about some things.” 

So she went with Molly down the hill, and Annabeth put pressure on her bleeding wound when she told her to—it had started to sting like hell now that her adrenaline was fading. 

She looked back just in time to see you and Luke share the tightest hug ever. 

The hug of two people who realized they weren’t seeing ghosts, Annabeth thought. 

-

You bolted up in bed, eyes wide and your chest heaving as you rapidly sucked in air. Your fingers found purchase in your bedsheets, desperate for something familiar—it took a second for you to recognize your surroundings, that you weren’t in an endless void, but your childhood bedroom offered little comfort.  

You ran a hand over your forehead, damp with sweat, as you tried to calm down. Your breathing slowed, but you couldn’t shake that awful feeling that hung over you in your sleep. 

Your nightmares were getting worse, you knew that much. That raspy, demented voice used to be a rarity, and now it appeared every night. You could usually deal with your nightmares, but the sense of absolute dread that voice and the pit fostered in you was too much. You hadn’t managed to sleep through the night once since you came home for the school year.

You could deal with the monsters—to you, this was the worst part of your godly blood.

A knock rattled on the door out of nowhere, and you nearly jumped out of your skin. The only thing that calmed you down was the thought that monsters didn’t knock. 

“Come in,” you croaked, your throat drier than a desert. 

Thankfully, a monster hadn’t come to make your night even more miserable. Luke stood in the doorway, his eyebrows creased in concern, messy curls hanging just above his eyes. He wore the Red Sox t-shirt you’d bought for him at the game you dragged him to, and in your addled state, you didn’t even think to tease him about it. 

“Are you okay?” He should’ve been as disoriented as you, but his alerted eyes told a different story. 

You could only think of one thing. “How did you know?” 

Luke’s lips parted for a moment, as if he hadn’t even considered it. “I could just feel it.”

You managed a smile despite every atom in your body screaming at you. “I think that means you can come in.” 

He closed the door behind him, and you shifted over in your bed to make room for him. There wasn’t much in a twin, but you made it work. Luke’s weight pressed into the mattress, making you adjust your position, and it was more comforting than any amount of blankets. 

“You’re so cold,” he murmured, laying the back of his hand against your arm. “How do you live like that?” 

“Blame my dad,” you said. “I’ve got water in my blood.” 

“I think that’s probably a bad thing,” Luke said, and you knocked your shoulder into his with a huff. 

“You know what I mean.” 

Luke let his hand fall back in his lap, and as you brought your knees up to your chest, you pulled the covers with them. 

“So,” Luke said, glancing at you, “what’s got you awake at the witching hour?” 

“The usual,” you mumbled. 

“Nightmares that might be prophetic?” he asked. 

You made a lazy gesture with your hand. “Bingo.” 

“The worst sense of dread imaginable?” 

“Bullseye.” 

“I’m sorry,” he said. 

You shrugged. “It’s nothing I can’t deal with.” 

“You don’t always have to put on a front, y’know,” Luke said. You felt his eyes on you. “You don’t always have to be strong.” 

“I’m naturally strong,” you said with mock austerity. “Comes with the god for a dad.” 

Luke chuckled and shook his head. “You know what I mean.” 

“Yeah,” you murmured. 

You leaned into his side, fitting your head into the crook of his neck. Luke wrapped his arm around you, pulling you closer, and you let out a contented sigh. 

That voice in your nightmares seemed so small when you had Luke. 

“Can you stay?” you asked softly. 

He didn’t hesitate. “Of course.” 

“Just like old times,” you whispered. 

“Just like old times,” he agreed. 

Luke ran hot, and you’d never been more thankful for it as you fully settled into his side. Icy blood ran through your veins, and you let out a shaky sigh. You could hear his steady breathing, feel his heartbeat through his chest, and the anxiety from earlier began to steadily fade. You never felt safer than when you were with Luke. 

There was something between you—you weren’t that stupid—but you hadn’t talked about it. With you and Luke, it was just… you and Luke. You didn’t have to put a label to it. 

How could you put a label to your relationship, when you’d spent your first few years together fighting for each day, and then the next few thinking the other was dead? 

Maybe someday, you would talk about it. But for now, this was more than enough. 

“Don’t worry,” Luke murmured in your ear as your eyes began to droop. “I’m not gonna let anything happen to you.” 

And by the gods, you believed him. 

[koolaidashley]

Trans masc leo saga happy pride month cuz I know u gay n shi

[freshbakedbreadstick]

No. 1 Party Anthem - Mikey Berzatto x F!Reader - Chapter One

Past!Mikey Berzatto x F!Reader

Carmy Berzatto x F!Platonic!Reader

Richie Herimovich x F!Platonic!Reader

Summary: You finally grab the bear by its ears and face it head on, despite all the unanswered questions. 

Warnings: All my fics are 18+ regardless of the content. Heavy spoilers. Mentions of self harm, grief, death, mental health issues, strained relationships, smoking.

Word Count: 3.1k

A/N: OMG thank you all for all the kind words and love ! ! ! I'm gonna b honest with you all, after i posted the prologue I completely logged out of my account for the week LOL I was SO nervous abt it and so I just left it alone 😭 but I'm back with the first official chapter ! Also, I am opening the taglist for this series, so please let me know if you want to be tagged ! Thank you to one of you lovely readers for asking about that ❤️ your comment was very appreciate bc tbh I completely forgot abt even considering making one 💀 thank u babes ily and I hope you all enjoy !!!

Taglist: @marysucks-blog

PROLOGUE / MASTERLIST

The rumble and honk of a car driving quickly down the street took you out of your thoughts. 

Here you were, once again, on the sidewalk and across the street from The Beef. This time, it was not some odd hour of the night but rather 4 o'clock in the evening. 

After tossing and turning all night long, you rose early that morning much to the insistence of your mom and dad, who were very much eager to get you to reunite with Natalie, with bags under your eyes and stiff joints. You trudged around the house, jumping at every small noise that somewhat resembled the notification sound of your phone, before finally giving up and plopping down on the sofa to send Sugar a text. 

'Hi Sugar, it's me. Nice to talk to you again. I'll swing by The Beef at around 4 if that's okay with you.' 

About 5 minutes later, a loud buzz made you drop a glass of water to the floor.

'Of course! I'm so happy to hear from you! I can't wait (:' 

You could feel a pit forming in your stomach as you read the message. You can practically hear the way her voice lifts in excitement as you read it. To make matters worse, the smiley face felt like it had a mind of its own and it was taunting you. It practically said 'Remember the good days? Remember how close you and Sugar were? Before everything happened?' 

With a shallow breath, you threw your phone onto the nearest soft surface and scooped the broken glass up with your bare hands.  

Your parents fussed around you all afternoon before you left. At first, they said it was to make sure you were okay with going over there but it became pretty clear that they were pretty much just making sure you weren't going to back out. While you understood why they were chasing you around like a chick chased their mother hen, you got tired of it really quickly.

"Mom, I'm serious, I'm okay!" You insisted, pulling your shoe on and pausing at the threshold of the front door. 

"Are you sure? Do you want us to come with you? How about you let us drive you-" 

"I'm fine!! I'm going now!" 

With a sigh, your mother glances at your father before nodding, "Alright honey, be safe." 

With a weak smile, you headed off. 

And now here you were, finding yourself halfway down the street and being honked at by someone in their car. 

Snapping back to the present after replaying your hectic morning, you jump at the realization that you were unconsciously halfway across the street and heading towards The Beef.

"GET OUT THE WAY!" The person in the car yelled, sticking their head out the window. 

You ran to the sidewalk and half slammed your body against the wall, chest heaving. You had no idea what took over you and made you move without thinking but here you are now, in front of the same place you vowed to never be at again after Mikey's death: The Beef.

"Fuck…" you murmured to yourself, trying desperately to catch your breath as you closed your eyes. 

Focusing on the sounds of tires on pavement and rustling leaves on trees, you took a breath. You counted from 1 to 100 and then back to 1 again. You then opened your eyes and counted 5 things you could see, 4 things you could touch…

With a hard swallow, you turned around, ready to walk to the front door now. It was past 4 now but from the messages you got earlier from Sugar, you knew that there was 'no rush' and to just 'come in the front door'. 

"I can do this, I can do this…" you whispered to yourself and lightly jumped in place, hyping yourself up. 

You pushed forward, rounding the corner of the wall and to the front door, when BAM! Some guy just slams into you. 

You fly backward, stumbling as you try your hardest to avoid falling onto the pavement. 

"Watch it, idiot!" Some guy in a high vis vest barks at you before marching away with a wrapped sandwich in his hand. 

You stare, mouth open in silent shock and confusion, unable to respond. If this guy had bumped into you about a year ago, you would have practically beat him up yourself. Mikey would've had to come out of the restaurant and drag you off the guy, laughing and cheering all the way. His strong arms would wrap around you and somehow lift you up and off, voice husky in your ear as he alternates between voicing good humored apologies to the guy who had the misfortune of being an asshole to you and murmuring about how hot you looked while you defended yourself.

But in this moment, all you could do was regain the little confidence you had and go back to the task at hand: walking in. 

You swallow before standing up straight, plastering on a faux confident but cool grin onto your face. With your head held high in a way that you used to do but doesn't feel like you anymore, you jam a fist into your pocket and use your other free hand to push the front door open and waltz in. 

Cooly, you scan the empty restaurant. It seems like the lunch rush was very much over by now and the last customer for a while before the dinner rush had crashed into you and left moments before. So now, it was just you and The Beef. 

"Give me one sec!" A loud and charmingly obnoxious voice yelled from the kitchen. 

Your facade slipped as you heard this voice. Instantly, your shoulders sagged as you let out a quiet but pained laugh under your breath. 

The booming voice of Richie got louder and louder as he came out of the kitchen and to the counter, "How can I help you-" 

He paused. You immediately stood up straight again, a wide and sly but fake grin spreading over your face. 

Richie blinked, frozen. His eyes were wide and mouth had dropped slightly open.

After a couple seconds, the awkwardness started to set in for you, prompting you to speak up, "Jesus, Richie, you look like you've seen a ghost." 

In an instant, Richie snapped back to reality with a grin on his face, "COUSIN!" 

You winced at the volume, apparently not being the only one as you heard a couple muffled groans and protests from the kitchen as well as someone saying "what?!"

Richie threw his arms out, wide, before dropping them and racing around the counter to you. With a laugh, Richie's arms enveloped you, squeezing tight. 

You stiffened up immediately, feeling bad for not reciprocating instantly like you used to do. But whether or not that bothered Richie, you would never know because as fast as he enveloped you in a hug, he pulled away. 

"Cousin, what the hell are you doing this side of the country, huh?!" He grinned and placed his hands on his hips. 

"Oh my gosh!" Another voice said. 

Your head whipped to see Sugar at the doorway to the kitchen. She clutched a clipboard in her arms but as both of your eyes connected, she let it fall to the floor with a clatter. 

You can see her eyes well with tears as she raced around the counter to join you and Richie and as she got closer, she blinked them away. A wary smile appeared on her lips as she stood next to you, making her look a cross between nervous and relieved. 

"Richie, give her some space. Oh my gosh, hi!!" Natalie gasped. 

You winced a bit and smiled, "Hey…" 

You wanted nothing more than to crawl into a hole and stay there forever. 

"Shit cousin, I had no idea you were coming here! If you let us know beforehand, we could've made you a welcome party or, or, or something!" Richie said, ignoring Natalie. 

"How the hell have you been? How was it out west? I heard you got back in town but had no clue you were coming over here to visit!" Richie continued, going on and on and on. 

You stared at him, eyeing the way he looked rugged and much more tired than usual. But Richie was the same old Richie, loud and brash but caring when he wanted to be. 

Your eyes wandered from Richie's frame over to Natalie, who seemed to be analyzing your body silently. Her eyes were filled with worry and her fingers rapidly intertwined with themselves as she gave you a look that meant to say, 'Is this okay? Are you okay?'

You glance back at Richie before your eyes fell behind the two and to the entrance of the kitchen where a crowd had formed. 

And in front of that crowd was Carmy. 

Your shoulders tensed up, visibly enough to make Natalie perk up and whip her head around to see what you were staring at and make Richie go silent. The two glanced at Carmy and, unbeknownst to you, gave him a look of warning. 

Carmy wiped his hands on the towel he had and stared back, silent. His body language was unreadable and you couldn't tell whether or not he was upset at seeing you. Either way, you could feel the hair on the back of your neck stand. 

"Carmy…" you said, voice hoarse. 

You cleared your throat and awkwardly nodded, acknowledging those around him. You recognized a couple faces and others seemed unfamiliar but either way, they all looked at you with curious and cautious eyes. 

After stewing in silence for a bit, Sugar spoke up, "Carmy… say hello". 

Carmy blinked, eyes still set on you making you feel pinned to the spot. You could feel your breakfast swirl in your stomach as his eyes glared into you, analyzing your every move. Finally, he nodded and turned around, making the crowd behind him part like the red sea as he moved back into the kitchen. 

Suddenly, another face appeared in the doorway of the kitchen before yelling out your name excitedly. Fak came racing out of the kitchen, following the same path that Richie and Natalie took, before stopping in front of you.

"Holy shit!," he exclaimed happily, "Your home!" 

Your shoulder sagged. 

Home. 

You were home. 

He giggled to himself, not at all noticing your reaction "I haven't seen you in forever, how are you?" 

"Jesus man, give her some space she just arrived," Richie began, already launching into an argument. 

"What do you mean? I'm perfectly fine!" Fak said, head snapping over to Richie before the two began to bicker. 

Natalie rolled her eyes at them and turned to you, still concerned, "Just ignore them. Are you okay, sweetie?" 

You stood up straight again, wiping the wide eyed expression you didn't even know you had on your face for one with a lazy smile, "Yea, I'm okay." 

She reached her arm out, hesitating for a second to see if you would reject her, before resting her hand on your forearm when you seemed okay with it. She gently ushered you around the bickering men and behind the counter, to the kitchen. The crowd watching dispersed with curious eyes and kind smiles from those you recognized, letting you two pass through. 

As you walked through the kitchen, gulping as your eyes retraced each corner and crevice you had tried to forget about, your eyes stopped briefly to look at Carmy. With his back towards you, he silently chopped some vegetables, seemingly ignoring what was happening around him. 

"Here we are," Sugar said, quietly announcing to you to get your attention. 

You turned and dug your heels into the ground, soles squeaking as you did so. Sugar jumped back and glanced at you. 

"Can we… I'd rather we talk outside." You announce, voice wavering in a way that made your previous confident persona waver. 

Right in front of you stood the door to the office; an office you were very much familiar with as you too had spent many times there. All those memories, all bittersweet at this point, came rushing back; the nights you spent arguing over bills and paperwork with Mikey, the days you came with a bag of donuts from your favorite shop nearby, the intimate moments where your and his lips connected behind the closed door, the moments in which you hid in the office and cried your heart out. 

Sugar noticed the way your eyes had become misty and promptly led you to the back door of the kitchen and to the alleyway.

“I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, that's okay. We can talk here.” she said soothingly.

Her voice was so comforting, making you feel nauseous. You hated the way that Sugar would always act very motherly, even when you were all kids. 

With a shaky breath, you nodded and smiled anxiously, “I'm okay Sugar, you don’t need to worry.”

Glancing at you, Sugar smiled softly. But her smile quickly dropped when she scanned your features, taking in your face again. 

“You look,” she began quietly, “You look good.”

You chuckled to yourself, knowing damn well that she was wrong, “Thanks, you too.”

Richie bursts out the back door, with Fak in town, still bickering.

“My God you two, just stop!” Sugar yells, getting the two to finally snap their mouths shut. 

Fak playfully salutes Sugar, a knowing look on his face while Richie rolls his eyes and crosses his arms. 

“Yea whatever. I’m just happy to see you again, cousin.” Richie says, directing his body to you, with a tone of softness in his voice that felt so foreign that it made you shiver. 

“It’s nice to see you too,” you said softly, rubbing your hands on your thighs.

It was silent for a bit as the four of you all glanced at one another, unsure where to start and what to say. Each party had so much they wanted to say to each other at that moment, but you knew that the three people standing before you had the most to say to you. 

Carmy came out the back door, silent and unsurprised to see the four of you glance in his direction. He closed the door behind him and stood off to the side, away from all of you. He then proceeded to take out a pack and light a cigarette, quietly puffing. 

“Cousin, did you even say hello? It’s rude as hell to just ignore her,” Richie said, a bit agitated at his dismissive behavior.

Yet Carmy ignored him, staring out to the side and away from you all, his blue eyes flickering, but refusing to even glance in your direction.

You could feel your eyes prickle and your throat tighten, regretting even showing up. Carmy was the one person you haven't seen the longest and here he was, ignoring you as if you didn’t even exist.

“Hey,” Richie barked, taking you out of your thoughts, “At least look at her!”

Richie began to stomp forward to Carmy, making you and Sugar flinch as you watched. Fak moved forward, reaching out to Richie and mumbling quietly to get him to stop. Right before Richie could grab Carmy by the shoulder, Carmy spoke up.

“I’m glad you're okay.”

Your mouth dried up.

His eyes turned to you and all you could see in them was pained understanding. He knew you weren’t okay; an okay person wouldn’t just pack up and leave the night after her boyfriend’s funeral. But, he saw that you were alive and the fact that you showed up here after so long meant something. 

It meant that now you were okay.

“Thanks Carmy” you said, making everyone’s head turn to you. 

Richie rocked his jaw and nodded silently, stepping back from Carmy. 

The three of them watched as Carmy lifted his box of cigarettes and offered one to you. They then watched as you walked forward, arms that had wrapped around your body falling, to grab one. He fished his worn lighter from his pocket, carefully lighting the cig you held around your lips for you, before pocketing it and leaning back against the wall.

You take a deep drag, letting the nicotine smoke fill your lungs before exhaling. It soothed your nerves, reminding you of the moments that you spent outside with Carmy, avoiding the yells from inside the house during a Berzatto family event. 

Suddenly, a deep funny feeling began to strew about in your belly. It felt odd and you tried to suppress it, but you just couldn’t help it. You barked out a laugh. 

It surprised you and everyone, not at all expecting it. You felt your cheeks heat up, horrified as to why you just laughed. 

You breathed in, only for it to come out as another laugh. Your horror was then replaced with amusement, making you laugh even harder. 

Sugar, Fak, and Richie all averted their gazes, a mixture of remorse and shame written all over their faces. 

You laughed even harder, slamming your back against the wall before sliding into a crouch. Your body shook so hard as you laughed, barely able to keep the cigarette between your fingers. 

Carmy looked away, an empty look on his face as he too chuckled to himself. 

After laughing so much that your belly began to hurt, you finally spoke up between dissolving giggles, “What the fuck am i even doing here!?”

Natalie turned her back to everyone, clutching her body in her arms. Fak walked forward and gently placed a hand on your shoulder. You didn’t even look at him as he hooked one of his arms under your arm and helped you up from the floor to stand against the wall again. Your knees buckled slightly as you continued giggling and wheezing in an attempt to catch your breath.

Fak stepped back and sighed softly, watching your chest heave as your breathing began to stabilize. 

An uncomfortable silence fell as you caught your breath, leaving the four of you in limbo to listen to a couple cars pass by and the wind blow softly by.

Carmy straightened up, making everyone except Sugar turn to him. He dropped the cigarette he was smoking and crushed it under his shoe. He then reached behind him to untie the knot of his apron and then moved to his neck where he took it off completely. He thrusted it forward, pushing it to you.

“Okay Chef, break is over.” He said. 

You looked over at him, finding no fear or sadness on his face, before nodding and grabbing the apron. He stepped back and turned, moving to open the back door and step inside. 

Sugar, Fak, and Richie all turned to you.

“Break is over,” you repeated and began to tie the apron around yourself before opening the backdoor and walking back inside. 

[tervaneula]

let us catch you this time

[thebearer]

the milestone menu: roasted red pepper and tomato soup for sad days

prompt: the death of mikey's anniversary is near. you make a comfort meal for carmen.

contains: mentions of death. angty with a side of fluff (at the end). anxious!carmen (i mean ofc).

INGREDIENTS

3 red bell peppers. 4 large tomatoes, peeled, seeded, chopped. An onion, chopped. 2 garlic cloves, minced

1 1/2 tsp thyme. 2 tsp paprika. A pinch of sugar. Salt & pepper. Cayenne

1/2 cup Chicken broth. 2 tbsp butter. 1 1/2 tbsp flour.

DIRECTIONS

Cover peppers in oil, broil until black, turn to get all sides. Put them in a paper bag to rest, the skin & seeds should come off easily. Chop. Heat oil on med heat in a large pot, cook garlic & onions until soft. Add tomatoes, peppers, thyme, paprika, and sugar. Cook on med-low, until most of the liquid has evaporated, about 20 minutes. Stir in 6 cups of chicken stock, salt & pepper. Bring to boil & simmer for 20 mins, until the vegetables are tender. Strain soup. Use a food processor or blender, and blend solids to your desired consistency. In your large pot, melt butter & add flour. Add soup/purée and stir, simmer for a few minutes.

“Hey, baby,” Carmen’s voice came to you before he did. A heavy sigh, tired and heavy from the day, from the looming anniversary approaching. 

Mikey’s death date was creeping closer and closer, the days darker and colder as did Carmen’s demeanor. Longer days at work, distant even when he was home with you. You worried about him, though everyone told you not to. 

“He just… he gets like this when it gets closer to the date, you know?” Richie muttered when you’d confided in him at family dinner. “We all get kinda fucked up, but Carm… That’s just how he is, y’know? Just give’im some time.” 

Anchovy purred, rubbing against Carmen’s leg. It was almost like he knew. Carmen would swear he did, that he could sense his owner’s upset, that he was trying to make it better. He’s like you, Carmen would say, giving you a half grin that always had you swooning. 

Carmen frowned when he didn’t see you lingering about. Not in the doorway smiling at them, leaning in for a kiss, wrapping him in a hug. “Babe?” Carmen called again, looking down the hall. The lights were on in the kitchen, a small clinking of bowls and silverware. 

Carmen found you in front of the stove, trying to keep quiet, stirring a pan on the burner gently. “Hey,” He frowned when you jumped, turning around with a wide eyed gaze, like you’d been caught. 

“Carm,” You chirped, body shimmying in front of the stove, too close to the flame in a too loose shirt. Carmen fought the urge to tell you to move or tuck your shirt in. 

“You’re-You weren’t supposed to be home early.” You turned to the clock blinking on the microwave. “I-I thought you weren’t going to be home for another hour.” 

“Richie told me to leave.” Carmen frowned, trying to peer around you. 

“Why?” You blocked his view with your body, a side step in front of him. 

“‘Cause he’s a fuckin’ jaggoff lately. What’re you doin’?” Carmen huffed lightly, grabbing your waist gently, holding you in place so he could see around you. A large pot on the stove, bubbling to life, steam clouding the clear lid that covered it. 

“I’m cooking.” You huffed, shoulders deflating lightly. “I-I was going to surprise you. I had this whole thing planned, and I got candles and I was going to change out of this.” You threw your hands down on your sweatshirt- Carmen’s sweatshirt. One from Copenhagen he’d picked up when it was especially cold. You’d stolen in, not that he minded, he liked you better in it anyways. 

“Was going to at least try to look a little nice.” You mutter, wiping off a small stain, a glob of tomato that had flung when the processor lid wouldn’t come off earlier. 

“You look beautiful, c’mon.” Carmen shook his head at you. “What’re you- Why’re you doin’ all this?” His heart skipped for a moment, looking at the calendar pinned on the fridge. “Did I- We didn’t have plans?” Fuck, he’d been so busy he’d forgotten. Head everywhere but where it needed to be. First he was fuckin’ up dishes left and right at work, and now he couldn’t even remember a fuckin’ date. 

“No,” You shook your head, stilling Carmen’s racing mind. “I just… I wanted to do something nice.” You looked up at him, hands grabbing him sweetly, holding them in your own. “For you.”

“For me?” Carmen whispered, swallowing around the tightness in his throat, in his chest. “What’re you talkin’ about for me? What-Why would you wanna-” 

“Because,” You shrugged lightly, hands swinging between the two of you gently. “I just wanted to do something nice for you.” 

Carmen saw the hesitation on your face, knew what was coming before you said it. He tensed in your hold. “I just… With everything-” 

“-Don’t.” Carmen shook his head, the burn in his throat strangling his voice. “You don’t have to, baby.” 

“I do.” Your eyes met his, rounding in his gaze. “I want to. I-I don’t really think it will help, but… I don’t know. Whenever I was sad my mom would make this for me.” You nod back towards the pot on the stove. “It always made me feel better.” 

Carmen thought he might cry. He willed himself, squeezing your hands, pulling you into his chest to hold you. He just needed to hold you, to feel you, pressing his nose to your scalp, inhaling your scent. 

All the emotions he’d repressed, swallowed down and tried to power through. Anytime he’d turn the corner, see Mikey’s smiling face on the fall and he’d feel like breaking down. Screaming, crying, punching the walls, pulling his hair out, ears ringing and heart hammering; instead, he’d go to the walk-in to breathe through collapsing lungs.

You felt Carmen’s shaky breath, rattle out of his chest and shake into yours. Your hand rubbed gently against his back, up his spine in a soothing way you hoped would calm him. 

“I’m sorry.” You whispered, cheeks pressed against his chest. His heart raced in your ear, a pounding thud that made your own heart squeeze. “I’m so sorry, Carm.” 

“It’s alright.” Carmen gritted, jaw clenching, willing his tears back. “It’s-it’s just a lot. I don’t even fuckin’ know why. Why-Why I even get like this when-when it’s been so long.” 

“Don’t do that.” You shook your head, frowning at him lightly. 

“No, no it’s true. I- fuck, I shouldn’t be-” 

“-Carmen,” You held his gaze firmly. His red rimmed blue eyes met yours, a little wary, vulnerable. You softened, fingers brushing through his hair. “It’s ok.” 

The finality in your voice, soft but certain, it made Carmen’s jaw shake, emotions bubbling over. He held you, rocking side by side in the kitchen, cries muffled into your shoulder. You held him back, just as tight, cooing shushes over the hums of the appliances, his tears wet on his sweatshirt- your sweatshirt. 

“Don’t expect a lot.” You gave a small, teasing smile over your shoulder. 

Carmen had settled into his usual seat at the small kitchen table. He’d sheepishly wiped his tears, letting you dote on him sweetly. Kiss his tears away, soft lips pressing to his wet cheeks, his nose, pulling him in so his lips were on yours, arms still tangled around the other. 

“It’s not, like, gourmet or anything.” You shook your head, ladling out the hot liquid into a bowl. “It is my Nana’s recipe though.” 

“Better than gourmet then?” Carmen’s voice was raspy with dried tears, though he smiled lightly. Bright enough to warm your heart, leave you smiling, plating the grilled cheese. 

“She’d love that you said that.” You grin, setting the steaming bowl and sandwich in front of him. You leaned over, pressing a soft kiss to his cheek, a hand running down the back of his neck lovingly. 

He burned at the simplicity, the sweetness of it all. So loving and affectionate freely, without any strings attached. Mikey would’ve loved you, Carmen was so sure of it. 

“This is good.” Carmen nodded, swallowing his spoonful. 

“Yeah?” You grinned proudly, positively beaming. 

Of course it was good, the best fuckin’ thing he’s ever had. It came from you, so it only made sense it was. Carmen didn’t say that. Instead, he smiled, reaching over for your hand, squeezing it across the table. “Yeah. Amazing. Just what I needed.” He swallowed another wave of tears, happier this time. “Thank you for, uh, for doin’ this.” 

“I’m glad you like it.” You propped your head in your free hand, a lopsided, lovey smile that warmed Carmen from the inside out. He knew his cheeks were blushing, tingling pink under your affectionate gaze. 

“It’s really good.” Carmen took another spoonful, the warmth spilling down his throat, soothing his chest. “Sorry I came home early and didn’t call. I just… I’ve been out of my mind, y’know? I’m sorry about that too, it’s-it’s not fair to you, and-” 

“-Carm,” You squeezed his hand lightly, fingers intertwining with his. “I’m glad you like it.” You smile sweetly. 

Carmen nodded, leg still shaking under the table. He didn’t let go of your hand, held it in an iron grip like a lifeline and you let him, thumb sweeping over his inked knuckles calmly. 

If Mikey could see him now, he’d be howling in laughter, cackling at Carmen at how “whipped” he was. Mercilessly tease him for being “soft” in a way that only a big brother could. But he knew Mikey would be so proud, so fuckin’ happy that Carmen found you- that Carmen had someone like you.

[trashmuth]

devin kelly, all that wanting, right?  +  carmy berzatto, the bear

[november-rising]

The Bear: Season One, Episode Six - Ceres (opening scene)

Last Train Home continues to play on repeat in my mind. It's worth it as it's led me to an episode I didn't pay much attention to outside of this opening scene.

It all begins with Mikey, Ritchie, Nat, and Carm cooking. Mikey is executing the Berzatto Sunday recipe with such ease. It's lovely watching the Berzattos (+ one Jerimovich) packed together, calm, listening and taking time to be with one another.

Mikey is telling such a tale that winds and weaves. With all of my observations. With all of my notes and what I will share. No matter what- it should be noted that his ability to story tell is captivating.

I remember watching this the first time and being enthralled. There's no other term for it. As he speaks, I thought that he can remind anyone that there are simpler times all the while coloring life just enough for it to seem fanciful if you just try - just reach a little more for it. Mikey is providing amusement, entertainment and fun. Mickey knows how to tell without saying anything.

Michael Berzatto was the bond that made the family stay together.

He is doing his thing, talking, laughing, engaging everyone. And he brings up the Ceres statue. The mythos of Ceres is briefly recapped by Mikey. Who Ceres was isn’t important. What’s key is Mikey sharing a moment in his life that is without strife and hardship (Yes, I know he was high but it sounds like a "happy" high story as opposed to some horrors I'm sure the family doesn't mention ever again). He's connecting the history of their hometown with his life. Truly, that in and of itself, is otherworldly.

I believe that anything his shares tends to be cherished with these folks. I say this because, even though everyone knows he uses, Mikey holds many secrets. He probably doesn’t show too much of himself for a plethora of reasons which I could write about endlessly for days. (And I may one day...)

So, during this Sunday dinner prep, Mickey is being Mickey. He’s attentive and as bright as they know him to be before addiction took hold of him. Everyone is savoring this moment. Because, who knows when he’ll be this lucid or sober again?

*Side note: It’s interesting that Mickey knows the bars “traders” (Wall Street traders I assume) frequent. I wonder how that played out in his life. The company created and connected to the tomato cans, perhaps...?*

Someone who tends to be pushed to the side is Nat. I noticed her, particularly when she responds to Mikey with:

“You and your fucking stories."

She sees. She knows. She also feels left out.

She’s stuck at the sink while the older men are reminiscing about some bullshit and Carmy is drinking it all in.

Mickey taunts Nat, saying she could have come with (Mikey and Richie to wherever) to which she says she wouldn’t. I believe her. She’s been the one to keep Donna at bay. She’s been the caretaker. She is the quintessential parentified child. Sugar knows better than to spend time with Mikey and Richie. 

This is the family:

Mikey setting up adventures.

Ritchie co-signing, hanging out on the sidelines.

Sugar cleaning the mess everyone is making.

And Carmy, looking in awe at his big brother - his savior. Carmen is shown waiting to be utilized and jumps that the chance when told. 

Michael: "Hey Carmy, do some parm."

Carmen: "Yeah, I got you. I got you."

To bring this back to the Ceres statue story, it's about something built in the name of being the pinnacle of design based in the classics. That statue was commissioned to be a landmark and a wonderment. But, as time marches on, life evolves and grows. The city around it grew and achieved taller architectural designs/building.

Ceres is stone carved with no face. It has no lasting identity other than history. Same as Ceres. She’s history. 

Same as Mikey.

Everyone around him grew. His façade was exposed to be blank, nothing, masking such history, pain, strife and togetherness just like Ceres.

Mikey only has the past.

And then there's the final puzzle piece from a different box that is Richie. The overall understanding within me, as I watch Richie share that his outgoing VM message as Goddess of Agriculture, is that he’s the historian of the family/friend group. That was his purpose before it all went to hell with Bear on that bridge.

All-in-all, we see Natalie and Carmen smiling, making the kitchen home. Michael and Richard providing the accents and anecdotal purpose. 

An absolutely beautiful moment.