#Roland is not as horrible of a person as some people make him out to be

[kelbunny]

I feel more people within the tristrat fandom need to understand that Roland's chapter 17 decision is not bc he actually believes Hyzante is correct but because he's gotten to such a point of desperation where he sees that as the only option left.

Like, his main motivation does not change, and it's the reason why he's the one that represents Morality. Because that motivation has always been to protect and make better the lives of as many people as possible, and this is clear in basically every decision of his aside from maybe when deciding to reveal his identity to Svarog or not. Even his chapter 17 decision is out of a desire to help people, it's just no longer as noble when you're not part of the few being sacrificed for the many.

And it's why he willingly renounces his 17 decision in all other endings and admits to his own cowardice.

[vincentpriceofficial]

Sex, Violence and Power in Hilary Mantel’s A Place of Greater Safety

Ever since I finished this book I’ve been thinking about how gendered and sexual violence kind of continually lurk in its subtext and then break into the explicit text in periodic but still-shocking instances of abuse. At first I thought this was mostly unrelated to the central political plot — a matter of historical realism as much as anything — but the more I’ve thought about it the more integral and connected to everything else it seems.

CW: #rape, #abuse, #csa

From the first chapters of the novel, we see that women and girls in this time and place lack the ability to say no to sex with their husbands. As a child, Robespierre hears his maternal grandfather accuse his father of having murdered his mother via repeat pregnancies. Much later, Danton’s wife Gabrielle has a conversation with other women about the impossibility of using birth control in her marriage. Within a year Gabrielle is dead, her death eerily similar to that of Robespierre’s mother.

Manon Roland is molested as a child and carries a fear and revulsion of sexuality with her throughout her life as a result.

And Camille is taken advantage of as a young adult by an older man who controls the future of his career. The fact that Camille’s mentor is sexually predatory seems to be common knowledge throughout the professional community, and instead of intervening to protect Camille they humiliate and ostracize him. When Camille disavows responsibility for the relationship to his father (“None of it was my fault” and “I was just a child”) his father outright scoffs at the idea he might be trying to say he was raped. Much later Danton himself marries a young teenage girl and, again, no one seems willing or quite able to intervene. You get the overwhelming sense that this is a society where sexual abuse and exploitation are treated as mildly unpleasant facts of life about which nothing can or should be done.

Later, Camille narrowly escapes being coerced into sex by Babette, the young daughter of Robespierre’s landlord. Camille’s lingering terror of her after this incident is horribly psychologically realistic, but also…. Babette, teen girl predator of adult men, is the one instance of sexual violence in the book that has never sat entirely right with me.

The real Elisabeth Duplay wrote in her memoirs that Georges Danton tried to kiss her and made inappropriate sexual comments to her when she was a teenager. I see no reason to believe this isn’t true, and in light of it I do think representing Elisabeth as a sexual predator herself is kind of a strange and tasteless choice. It feels like an outlier in Mantel’s otherwise very grounded and realistic portrait of an 18th century rape culture.

The choice to represent a single individual person who lived and died hundreds of years ago as a rapist when she probably wasn’t one itself might leave a slightly bad taste in my mouth, but on the other hand historical fiction as a genre does tend to necessitate casting some dead people in unflattering lights just to create conflict and make the plot run. This alone doesn’t bother me nearly as much as Babette’s later “false rape accusation” against Danton (which is obviously how we’re meant to interpret it in the book, as a lie devised for political expediency) and that accusation being framed as a deciding factor in Robespierre’s decision to condemn Danton to death.

For one thing, this plot beat feels out of step with the development of Robespierre and Danton’s uneasy alliance and rivalry throughout the rest of the novel. From the beginning of the revolution the two of them have a grudging respect for each other but don’t like each other, they don’t share one another’s fundamental values or worldview and those differences increasingly drive a wedge between them as the external pressure on both men mounts. Robespierre becomes more ruthless and paranoid while Danton becomes more violent, exploitative and corrupt. Danton is a sexual abuser by this point in the story. He has married a teenage girl and it’s implied that he’s raping her (by the very implication that she is a child he is having sex with, and by a line in her internal monologue where she hopes he’ll get drunk and fall asleep right away so she won’t have to have sex with him). Meanwhile Robespierre is growing more committed to a belief system wherein “the people” of France are inherently morally pure and if they behave badly it’s because of external bad influences, wherein immorality is a societal cancer that needs to be cut out by chopping off the heads of every Evil Person.

At the end of those two character arcs I would have believed Robespierre was willing to have Danton killed without any false accusation scene, without any out-and-out lies being told to him about Danton. It feels like Mantel didn’t have enough faith in her own story and her own central character arcs and did this weird punch-pulling maneuver at the last minute that weakens the story. Two complex and well-developed characters becoming more entrenched in and committed to their own worst qualities over time until they destroy one another is a strong arc with a strong conclusion. One character being “tricked” into betraying the other by a one-dimensionally villainous minor character is weak and unsatisfying.

Babette and her purely malicious opportunism also makes it feel like… the call is coming from outside the house, so to speak. Like, as Robespierre believes, there are individual Bad People who are the problem and if they could be gotten rid of all societal ills would disappear. But throughout the rest of the story we see that really isn’t the case. Perrin hires Camille out of a desire to take sexual advantage of him, but also treats Camille well enough that years later Camille is willing to risk his own position to save Perrin’s life during the September Massacres. Danton is a loyal friend, a charming and charismatic leader, and someone who likes to compromise and negotiate rather than make enemies. And he’s also an abuser, a sexual predator, and a murderer (especially if you accept Danton’s own judgment that he killed Gabrielle “by unkindness”). When Manon runs into her own rapist years later she observes that he is “a perfectly ordinary young man”.

This is a more compelling and a more true portrait of a culture where exploitation and coercion are baked into the “normal” social structure.

Mirabeau has this internal monologue near the beginning that feels to me like the closest thing APoGS has to a thesis statement:

When you get down to it, he thought, there’s not much difference between politics and sex; it’s all about power. He didn’t suppose he was the first person in the world to make this observation. It’s a question of seduction, and how fast and cheap you can effect it.

So like, we’re all here in politics trying to accrue power. (Even if we hope to use that power for good.) We’re trying to exert as much control as we can over as many people as possible. We’re trying to coerce and manipulate and bribe each other. The methods of the outside world are not alien to the revolution; they are inside it from its genesis and present within it at every step of the way. And much, much later the revolutionary government will collapse into chaos not because of the foreign plots against it that Robespierre imagines but because of internal factional power struggles turning desperate and bloody and murderous.

From Robespierre’s first introduction to the story, we are shown that he has an intertwined horror of sexuality and abuses of power. He understands that his mother’s death was a result of abusive or “excessive” sexual behavior on the part of his father. He understands that as an illegitimately conceived child he would not exist if not for his parents’ immoral sexual excess. He spends the rest of his life trying to distance himself from that legacy and to prove he’s nothing like his father.

Asking himself why he’s so afraid of foreign political conspiracies, Robespierre directly draws the link to his own bodily alienation:

Why, he asked (since he is a reasonable man), does he fear conspiracy where no one else does?

And answered, well, I fear what I have past cause to fear. And these are the conspirators within: the heart that flutters, the head that aches, the gut that won’t digest, and eyes that, increasingly, cannot bear bright sunlight. Behind them is the master conspirator, the occult part of the mind.

Robespierre becomes obsessed with the idea that anyone whose policies he disapproves is a malicious foreign agent, bent on the destruction of the republic. This idea particularly takes root when people whose political views he otherwise shares advocate starting a war. Robespierre cannot accept the possibility that warmongering is an honest miscalculation — that people brought up surrounded by propaganda about glorious military triumphs might sincerely believe war could be a good thing for the republic.

He can’t accept that the violence he abhors is in his allies, that it’s in The People, that it’s in him. He can’t accept that Camille is sullied by sexual deviance, or that Danton could be both a powerful force for political stability and a corrupt, largely amoral bully. Robespierre can’t cope with the murky ambiguity and ambivalence that lurks in the “occult part of the mind”; he can’t bear to think of himself or anyone else he loves as a body capable of sex and violence. So he destroys Camille and destroys Danton and we know that he’ll be killed himself a few months later. I imagine him finally keeling over after slowly and gradually bleeding out from a self-inflicted wound, a self-surgery, a botched organ removal. He tries to excise the impurities from his own life and finds he can’t survive without them. He cannot bring himself to negotiate or make peace with the “conspirator within” and instead destroys himself completely.

[northwest-cryptid]

i am going to tell you the hopkins lore i pulled out of my ass. this isnt canon

i think hopkins isnt. really all that awful to be honest. objectively hes just. average for the city. hes seen as awful because hes an obstacle to the player, but like. his crime is stealing enkephalin and fucking off, while fucking over his coworker he didnt really like

i see ppl who say he doesnt care about aya which is probably intended by projmoon but i see it less as that and more he doesnt really...want to express emotions in front of the limbus crew? he openly mocks yuri and the sinners dying and does not hesitate to stab them in the back right after aya dies

and he doesnt mock aya when she dies. actually he barely says anything at all that isnt about dante not being able to speak. hes completely silent otherwise. which could be because of yuri freaking out but he usually pokes at yuri?

so to me i think he did care, he just didnt want to show weakness. is he an ass? yeah, but hes not uniquely an ass. hes just normal for the city, and honestly he makes a good point about the sinners going in entirely unprepared for anything lol

I cannot tell you how much I appreciate the opening sentence to this all because telling me straight up "this is a product of my own thoughts" helps a ton!

Also yea go off fam, I don't mind this sort of thing when I know what I'm dealing with. It's the mix of fandomization with actual facts of the canon narrative sprinkled in just enough to be confusing that bugs me.

Also I don't recognize the name, but I love the point of like "sure this person is an asshole but there's nothing about him that is actually worse than anyone else in the city."

I think that's something a lot of people forget about the Proj Moon universe. We sorta view it like it's our world but just different, if we lived in the city we'd all do what we needed to in order to survive.

I'm not a violent person, I have no reason to kill or hurt anyone and considering the world we live in I likely, hopefully; never will. However if I lived in the city I'd absolutely carry weapons regularly and I'd live by the core rules of "kill them before they can kill you" and "never leave yourself vulnerable" like hell Roland was arguably a saint compared to most since a lot of what he did, he did for the reasons of living a better life with his wife and child where they'd be safe and we all know how that turned out for him so like...

The city is not "Earth with our current society but a little different and quirky" it's a society where people do shitty things on the regular just to get by, to survive at the bare minimum.

If we judge individuals of that universe using their in world circumstances it's actually interesting how people who in our world would be shitty horrible awful no good people are basically your run of the mill asshole no different from that Karen at starbucks who yells at the barista, is that a horrible asshole thing to do? Absolutely, but it doesn't mean I think said Karen deserves like, death or something; she's just a dick but that's not like uniquely dickish.

By Proj Moon standards this dude sounds like a petty thief and a dick at worst, not like some super villain who's experimenting on children or murdering people for the sake of their own enjoyment and empowerment. Sure it sounds like he's a manipulative asshole but he's not AYIN or like, any of the Ensemble who arguably were bigger dicks for their actions (outside of victims like Philip who turned to the Ensemble for arguably sad reasons and yes should still be held accountable for their shitty behavior but weren't as bad as say the lady who wanted to kill people because only the strong deserve to live or some shit.)

[poisonheadcrabsalesman]

Also give me your angle on Promethean Palmer au :) - gunny

Oh you wanna do this huh? After what you wrote. Sorry this is all over I’m not good at staying focused.

Palmer is The Spartan Commander, she is the last remaining Spartan IV from the first group that got augs (Not the experimental Ilsa Zane, don't come for me lore nerds.) She's been helping hold the Infinity together for 6+ years. And then you killed her in a fiery blaze of data sparks and composed humanity. This was your idea.

Her sudden death and then horrible return would be devastating not only to Lasky personally but the whole crew as well! Wouldn’t that be so neat to explore?

But first Lasky, because wow holy shit his best friend went down in front of him (again) and now she's back but wrong. How is he supposed to deal with that? They just learned/ have to deal with knights being composed humans but now she's back after he thought he lost her but she’s not human and it hurts and is this worse and it's Palmer. That’s his best friend however you look at it, she saved him from being spaced, they served under Del Rio together, they regularly drink and bitch to each other, but all of that is gone now because she died and he was alone again but now.....now.

 I also like writing that the shot was meant for him and not her, she just pushed him out of the way (again). Wouldn’t the captain be an excellent target to get his memories into the forerunner soup. Hivemind domain nonsense maybe? :3c

Jumping around I really want to write different povs and how the the crew, her spartans, and Roland all react to these events. Who’s hurt and who steps up and how do people react?

We nebulously set this during Requiem iirc, it exists whenever until we write it down, but still Roland is new in town, and oh boy, that weird Knight they brought back is trying to communicate. Oh boy that looks like a Spartan ID. He already has to interface with forerunner engines wouldn't it be neat if he has to interface with other forerunner tech? Wouldn’t it be great that his first time running the ship in combat and enemy territory goes this wrong?

Wouldn’t Spartan Ops be great with Majestic and Crimson solemn and trying their best but with fraying nerves and spirits that the things theyre fighting are mindless husks that once were humans? That also might before former crewmates. Wouldn’t it be neat if Miller had his character development (there is some! idc im insane but i have probably played spops more than any normal human being) earlier, like he had to step up and help lead because Palmer is gone. Oh no she’s back. Oh no.

BUT ALSO!

It’s not all soul crushing! There’s the warming up, the rediscovery of her humanity and soul. The reconciliation, the cut-short grief that changes into something else, a life lost to a life changed, possibly irreversibly. 

The Commander is back she’s just metal and taller and has extra limbs and can teleport.

Lasky has to make an announcement about the Infinity’s latest incident and now there’s a docile forerunner Knight with warning signs plastered to its chassis hovering behind him on the video announcement. They can give her a TTS device! She can slap Miller’s bald head with her lil gooey looking ghibli arms!

She can dramatically teleport or gently headbonk people. She can deal with once again losing autonomy over her body and becoming even more of a weapon and less of a person.

This is all from what I remember off the top of my head but I think it’s neat and I want to write so many situations of various flavors.

Sarah Palmer is everything

[soldier-poet-king]

finally sat down to watch da: absolution and i have Some Brief Thoughts and Jokes and absolutely NO political discourse bc fuck that shit i wanna talk about LOVE

the good

tevinter architecture my beloved

A SQUAD doing a HEIST aka my fave and why da2 is forever my fave game

little tidbits and easter eggs to the games for Lore Nerds 

and then SOME BIG ASS CALLBACKS to the games

hawke continues to be incapable of killing their villains, next is the arishok or orsino ig ??

THEY GOT THE ELVISH NOSE BRIDGES RIGHT. MY BELOVED BIG NOSES.

terrible french orlesian accents

rezaren, this matt mercer looking mf, was an excellent villain. because like. he’s sympathetic. he has good intentions but he’s HORRIBLE and SELFISH and the story doesn’t shy away from showing him as horrible and manipulative. like yes maybe he doesn’t know better and he does care for miriam and neb in his own twisted way. that doesn’t make it right. doesn’t make it okay. doesn’t make him not a slave owner. and this really comes to a head in the dream sequence where he’s completely incapable of understanding why miriam doesn’t want to return to him, and then completely disrespecting her wishes, her autonomy, when she refuses him. he just cant see her and neb as real people even tho he cares about them in a childish selfish way. road to hell is paved with good intentions etc etc etc. like he’s so fuckin bad but also still sympathetic until maybe 2/3 of the way through the show when he goes full villain. 

rezaren, had things played out slightly differently, could have been a dorian. dorian has some GOD AWFUL opinions in da:i and some deeply ingrained privileges and prejudices, esp re: slavery. he learns and grows and becomes better in the inquisition, and possibly leaving tevinter (even under such horrible circumstances) was the thing that saved him from becoming terrible because he didnt know any better. rezaren in many ways is a mirror of that, but slightly worse, slightly to the left, with fewer allies, never having his position of power challenged, etc etc etc. tldr i just think it’s neat :) it’s an arc i really enjoy and im just. obsessed with sort of well intentioned but also horrible people becoming better (or like. dying as full villains in the grave theyve dug for themselves and refuse to exit. either or yknow)

like blind privilege rather than outright malice is how 99% of the irl world’s evil happens and yet it is also where the most irl grace and atonement and forgiveness and betterment is possible. im fascinated by tevinter characters and tevinter in general. im never gonna shut up abt this.

cassandra cameo my beloved 

as much as i hated the overabundance of quips (see below) roland is just. handsome. funny. charming. i saw a man so beautiful i started crying

tassia. her relationship with tevinter is complicated, much like dorian’s and i just. really love the whole ‘the place im from does horrible things and many would call it irredeemable and i understand that but also i think there’s a kernel worth saving there and i am going to work my whole life thanklessly trying to save it even if it wont try to save itself and even if that makes me the bad guy to both those opposed to and those loyal to my homeland’, i just think it’s neat and not at all a personal thing for me and religion :))))

‘no one ever saves us. so we save us’ maybe im sentimental and crying ok. whos to say. big believer in small kindnesses save the world. 

the bad

negative points bc elves are wearing shoes and i like to think of them like hobbits and im v irrationally attached to this

qwydion is just. tall conventionally attractive woman with horns. not a vashoth qunari. where is my giant qunari woman. i demand a giant qunari woman.

suffers from mcu-funny quip disease. like fun quips can be enjoyable. in moderation. not constantly. we’re ALLOWED to have moments of genuine emotion, not everything needs to be counteracted and made light with a quip

some of the crew are caricatures but like. it’s a miniseries. i’ll forgive them. even if qwydion is comic relief and ofc lacklon (the dwarf) is the ‘suspicious untrusting one’

how could they kill fairbanks hes my da robin hood fave minor character and how dare they make me spend SEVERAL EPISODES thinking he was a traitor

the tevinter templars were....effective??? and had influence??? how does tassia have the authority to order rezaren around when in canon they’re just glorified bodyguards and only do what the magisters tell them? why are they actually effective against demons? why the fuck is tassia all like ‘oh no blood magic is evil im gonna report u to the divine’ like????? MAAM THIS IS TEVINTER AND THIS IS A MAGISTER not like. a soporati or laetan mage. how tf did u get the position of knight commander in tevinter if you arent willing to look the other way when magisters do blood magic

haha hawke is human disaster joke but also FUCK MEREDITH SO BAD I HATE THIS BITCH the joke is funny but i dont want her backkkkkkkk even if she WAS such a good villain UNLESS the da2 squad comes back but they cant do that bc anders’ fate is entirely up to the pc. also isnt varric the viscount of kirkwall. what the FUCK is going on in this city

ppl are saying miriam is ‘fenris but better’ but i resent that statement the show tried to do his 7 yr arc in 6 eps and it didnt work (understanably but STILL) and also im a fenris girlie first and foremost forever and ever so i will not stand for any besmirchment of his nearly perfect arc. he’s the PERFECT ‘character made to be a tool learns to be a person and love and be loved’ arc ok.

ik it’s been said but holy shit the dragon animation was BAD

[askisabella]

What is one thing you'd like to get off your chest? Spell of Shattered Sight, opinion.

Henry is an ungrateful spoiled brat who doesn't realize how good he has it. Your mom was the Evil Queen, so what? She took care of you growing up, didn't she? You had everything you could have desired, didn't you? You were loved. You were cared for. This is more than most can ask for in life. I get he wanted to meet his biological mother, but he had no regard for others feelings. Did Regina deserve to be called on her behaviors? Of course. Did everyone deserve the curse break? Damn straight we did. Henry, I'm sorry your loving mother tried to convince you a story about her horrible tragic past wasn't true but grow the hell up. He wants to be treated like an older child but he still throws tantrums like a toddler. And EMMA! Did this woman actually think about what she was doing? She threatened to take a son away from a mother who treated him right. She had no legal right to demand her son back. SHE GAVE HIM UP! She abandoned him at birth. There were chances to get him back before he was adopted out and she chose not to. She chose to let him go! So she regretted it after she met the kid? She didn't seem to care enough to find him before he knocked on her damn door. Then she walks in and demands to have custody of someone she gave away? Sod off, Sheriff. If anyone is abusing power it's you! Does Henry deserve to have both mothers in his life? Yes. Does Emma deserve the right to dictate when his legal mother can see him? Hell no.

What the bloody hell is wrong with this town?

Don't get me started on Cecily! I've been around the girl for years and all I've heard is how much she misses her family. We get it. It's been decades of the same woes. Drop it already or do something to find them!

Then we've got the very man who brought Cecily to the Merry Men. Though we clearly weren't all merry once Cecily joined the ranks. Robin Hood. First of all, why Hood? You couldn't come up with something else? It sounds so idiotic. Second of all, what the hell is wrong with you?! I understand your wife was brought back from the dead, another wonderful thing the Sheriff Savior did for us all, but that doesn't mean you have to be with her. She died. Like dead dead. Your vows died along side of her. You finally moved on. For the first time since we met you were actually happy! You're a halfwit for trying to resurrect a relationship that died years ago. I have been babysitting your son for weeks on end while you try to figure out your heart. Get it together! We all know you are in love with Regina and that isn't going to change. Stop trying to make it. You're so damn righteous it's annoying! You speak of honor but I don't see you honoring your love for Regina. You're not the man I thought you were. I hope Roland doesn't grow up to be as careless with others as you are.

Don't ask about Regina. Just don't.

Does Rumple even have power anymore? The man is whipped by the librarian. THE LIBRARIAN! He gave it all up for love? Pathetic.

Evie, who the fuck even are you?

Sam, no one cares about your animals except maybe Snow White. Seriously. If we were back in the Enchanted Forest your cats would have been my dinner many moons ago.

Speaking of dinner, Booker is not as great of a cook as he thinks he is. Wolfboy needs to work on some new recipes. Also, he needs to stop showering before a meal. I know he's in human form but I swear he still smells like wet dog at times. It's disgusting. Then again when he puts on aftershave or cologne all I want to do is fuck him which is annoying. His stupid attractive face and toned body needs to leave me the hell alone before I end up with another broken heart. No one gave him the right to be so damn nice to me! WHY? I'm not a good person! I would gladly burn a few people if I wasn't so afraid I would be ostracized like my mother. He’s just an idiot.

HOOK, CHANGE YOUR DAMN CLOTHES!

[jingerhead]

Ever think of tattoo artist Andrew and professional Exy player Neil who ONLY trusts Andrew to do his tattoos?

I hadn’t but I definitely am now! I’ve read a few tattoo artist AUs, but I’m not sure if I’ve read something like this prompt? This one was kinda tough, I redid this five times 'cause I wasn't satisfied with what I was doing until this one I’m posting. I’m sorry for the wait! I ended up going back to the stupid-cute stuff, so I hope it was worth the delay!

Read on AO3 | Word Count: 5,024 | Rated: T | TW for discussion of scars

“My teammate Neil could use a roommate,” Kevin began. He had a light in his eye that meant he had some sort of idea - one that could only be horrible. All Andrew could focus on at first was that Kevin was trying to give him a suggestion at all, and after that it was the word ‘teammate’. Not a friend, or acquaintance, just his teammate.

“That’s not what I was asking for,” Andrew said. He’d been in the middle of making an obnoxious slurp with his straw to get the last of the whipped cream at the bottom of his plastic cup, because he’d paid money for that and he was going to have it all, damn it.

“You just said, ‘This city is too expensive, we should overthrow the government’.” Kevin calmly took a swig of his tea, giving Andrew enough time to discard his cup on the floor of the coffee shop they were in and scowl. “This is a much better option.”

For a moment, Andrew didn’t say anything. He currently lived with a roommate, but he hadn’t really liked Roland when they’d first met and he was all too happy to let him leave to live with his boyfriend. The apartment he currently lived in was huge, which had been great in the past so that he could ignore Roland’s presence if he wanted, but now Andrew was starting to rethink the three bedroom they’d gone for. Roland had made the extra room his study, but now it was empty, and affording the place if he decided to renew his lease was going to be atrocious. And, of course, Roland hadn’t given him much of a heads up about not renewing the lease.

So, Kevin was right. Andrew could really use a roommate.

“I don’t need a roommate,” he argued, leaning one elbow on the table and letting his chin rest in his hand.

“You do,” Kevin said back. “And, lucky for you, Neil needs one as well.”

Well, that was just great, wasn’t it? The only thing was, Andrew didn’t know who the hell this ‘Neil’ was, and as he’d noted before, Kevin had called him a teammate. That meant this guy played exy, and Andrew didn’t want to be subjected to an exy junkie living just a room away. Still… “Who is he?” Andrew dared to ask.

“He was a Fox,” Kevin explained.

More wonderful news. Andrew had been a Fox once, but had dropped out of college due to...reasons, and had decided to pursue an apprenticeship as a tattoo artist. Now he worked at a place in the city called Black Ink, and was busy enough to have a waitlist three months in advance. And he liked his job, was glad he’d done what he had, but that meant that this ‘Neil’ had joined the team after he’d left it. Kevin Day and Renee Walker were the only ones he’d kept in contact with willingly after he’d gone. His cousin and brother made him check in from time to time.

“And he conveniently needs a roommate?” Andrew asked.

“Yes,” Kevin replied. He paused for another moment to take another drink from his tea, as though he was trying to be suspenseful on purpose. “He threatened his last roommate with some scissors.”

Andrew blinked once very slowly. “Why?”

“It’s Neil,” Kevin said with a shrug, as though that explained everything. “He needs a roommate, you need a roommate. Just meet him.”

“A guy that threatens people with scissors?”

“Says the guy who threatens people with knives.”

“Okay, fair,” Andrew hummed. He leaned back in his seat and thought for a moment. He really needed a roommate, but he wouldn’t let Neil step one foot into his apartment until they’d met in person. Andrew wanted to analyze him first. “Number,” he demanded, holding out one hand.

“So you can freak him out?” Kevin asked. He took out his phone and began tapping on the screen, shaking his head. “Look, I’ll text him and see if he wants to meet you. That way you can scare him in person rather than over the phone. Deal?”

Andrew grumbled nonsense to himself and kicked his plastic cup from where it was still on the floor.

~*~

About a week later, Andrew walked into Renee’s bakery after work, wearing one of the few things in a color other than black that he owned: a red beanie that he’d stolen from Aaron. He and Neil had agreed to meet there because it was familiar territory for them both. Andrew was friends with Renee, Neil had been...almost-friends with her. That, and she makes delicious muffins, and Andrew wanted at least five of them.

“Hi, Andrew,” she greeted happily. The bakery was pretty empty at this time, which would be perfect for grilling a possible roommate.

“I feel like I’m going on a blind date,” Andrew mumbled. Renee had the audacity to laugh, but she started putting some muffins on a plate and handed it over after Andrew had paid for it.

“I know Neil,” she said as the money was put away in the till. “I think you two would get along.”

Well, the guy had pulled some scissors on someone in the past, so that didn’t ease Andrew’s nerves. He didn’t want to make the guy crack and start a life of crime or invite a possible serial killer to move in with him. To avoid responding, Andrew shoved a muffin in his mouth and found a table to sit at that Renee would be able to see from the register, and waited for Neil to show up. Kevin hadn’t handed over Neil’s number, just like he said he wouldn’t, so Andrew couldn’t send a text to see where he was.

After a few minutes, Neil showed up. They had dressed in specific clothes so they could find each other easily, which was why Andrew had put on the red beanie in the first place, but even if they hadn’t discussed it he felt like he would’ve known. Neil was wearing a huge gray sweater that was worn down and stained, some baggy jeans, and bright orange crocs. That was what was supposed to mark him as Neil, but there was so much more about him that caught Andrew’s immediate attention.

First of all, despite his state of dress, he was fucking hot and Andrew is very gay.

His red hair was a bit long, curling around his forehead down his neck like he was trying to grow a mullet. His skin was a bit blotchy, especially around his nose, but other than that it had been sun kissed. There was a rather obvious burn on one cheek that had healed but looked no less crude, and when Neil turned his head to glance around the bakery he revealed a few thin scars on his other cheek. But that wasn’t what caught Andrew’s eye - okay, they did, but they got boring pretty quickly - it was his eyes. They were blue, but kind of a warm blue if that made any sense, and they were bright. Alert.

Andrew stared at Neil the entire time it took him to locate Andrew and walk over to the table. Neil glanced over his shoulder twice before shaking his head, shoving his hands into his pockets and stopping a few steps away. “Andrew?” he asked.

“Neil,” Andrew stated.

“Can I sit?” Neil asked, nodding at the empty seat.

Andrew kicked it towards him and reached for another muffin. Neil sat down and maintained eye contact, like he was focused on this interaction and nothing would take his attention away. Or maybe he was just taking Andrew in. Who knows.

“Kevin told me you need a roommate?” Neil asked.

“Yes,” Andrew said. “You need one after threatening the last one with scissors?”

Neil rolled his eyes and his shoulders relaxed just slightly. “I didn’t threaten him. I was in the middle of a project and he got in the way.”

“What was the project?”

“I was patching up a shirt. Point is, I didn’t threaten him with scissors. If I was going to threaten someone I’d use something else.”

He was hot and interesting. “Are you allergic to cats?” Andrew asked.

“No.”

“Do you want an extra room?”

“Not really.”

Andrew held out a hand. “Phone,” he said.

Neil passed it over. It was a beat-up iPhone in a black case and he already had his contacts app open. Andrew added himself and handed it back. “You can come over to see the place in a few days,” he explained, adding a mental note to clean the whole apartment.

“What?” Neil asked. “We’re done? We can’t be done.”

“We’re not,” Andrew agreed. “We’re going to get to know each other. Roommates should.”

From behind the counter, Renee stifled a laugh by coughing rather loudly. Neil didn’t seem to notice. “Okay,” he said easily. “Where do you work?”

~*~

Three weeks later, Neil moved into the apartment. The only things he’d brought with him were two suitcases and three boxes other than a bed, which was definitely weird. Andrew managed not to comment on that, though, and ordered them some dinner for that night. Neil spent about an hour getting his things put away and then they ate in the kitchen while Andrew’s cats tried to get in their way.

Over the previous three weeks, they’d gotten to know each other. Neil was a professional exy player and was out of the apartment for most of the day, arriving back by five in the afternoon. Andrew went to Black Ink at about ten in the morning and usually returned home by seven at night, so the two saw each other only in the evenings or on days off. At some point they’d agreed without saying anything out loud to eat a late dinner together and talk. Sometimes they’d watch TV and sometimes they’d spend a few hours in silence before heading to bed.

Unfortunately for Andrew, Neil was still attractive and only got more interesting by the day. The cats loved him and he let them climb all over him. He was easy to talk to and respected the boundaries Andrew put in place. Sharing the apartment with him was such a big improvement from Roland.

He was becoming a problem, because Andrew was developing a crush.

Andrew scowled and dropped his stylus on the kitchen countertop. He’d had a sudden rush of inspiration and had grabbed his iPad so he could improve the sketch he was making for one of his customers, but for some reason Neil had consumed his thoughts once again. Said man was eating the carton of raspberries they’d bought just the day earlier, which would be gone by the end of the day, and was watching Andrew like he tended to do at times.

“Tough drawing?” Neil asked, throwing a raspberry in his mouth.

Reaching for his stylus, Andrew slowly looked up to give Neil a look. Small talk wasn’t something either of them usually started, and how was Andrew supposed to tell him that Neil was the reason he was having a hard time drawing, anyways? “Owls are stupid,” he decided, adding to the line he’d already drawn just to have something to do.

“No, they’re not.”

Andrew just scowled some more and continued staring at his iPad. He wasn’t going to look at Neil, even though he could feel Neil’s eyes on him. It had been happening more lately, and it was getting annoying, because then Andrew would glance over and be consumed by his blue gaze. “Staring,” he grumbled.

Neil didn’t say anything, but Andrew could feel him look away. It gave him goosebumps. “Would you give me a tattoo?” Neil suddenly asked.

Andrew dropped his stylus again and looked up. “What?” he asked.

“Okay, I know what you’re going to say,” Neil said, staring at the counter. “But I want something on my leg.”

“What did you think I was going to say?” Andrew asked.

“Well…” Neil trailed off, stalling on purpose. “I want a paw print. The logo of the Palmetto State Foxes.”

“Why?” Andrew asked, narrowing his eyes.

“Just because.” Neil shrugged. “If you don’t want to, that’s fine.”

He very clearly wanted it. Andrew weighed the pros and cons in his head, and ended up deciding that he would do it if Neil wanted. In the past he’d turned away people who had wanted to get anything exy related inked into their skin, but for some reason he couldn’t turn Neil away. Well, there was a reason - a very clear reason that Andrew had been ignoring - but Andrew ignored that too and decided to say ‘yes’.

“Do you have time?” Neil asked. “I know you’re busy.”

Andrew knew how busy he was. The next appointment he had available was in twelve weeks, but he could probably fit Neil in if he stayed late one day. Besides, a tattoo like that would take an hour at the very most. “Are you afraid of needles?”

“No,” Neil said, completely serious.

“Then tell me when you want it,” Andrew replied.

~*~

Black Ink was set up to be mostly open concept, but it had exactly three private rooms for some artists. Andrew had his own with some of his art hung on the walls. There was a cabinet full of his needles and ink, sanitary wipes and stencil sheets, and a small area he used as a desk that was kept relatively empty. Andrew wasn’t sentimental, and even if he was anything important to him would be kept at his apartment, but Nicky hadn’t stopped talking until Andrew taped a single postcard from his cousin on the wall. It was next to the calendar and simply said, ‘Greetings from Hamburg!’ in gross yellow lettering.

Andrew was pretty sure that Nicky had picked it out for that reason. As soon as Neil entered the room, he gave Andrew one of his small smiles and asked in German if Andrew had ever been there. “Nein,” Andrew had said back, pointing to the chair in the middle of the room.

While Andrew pulled up the image he’d saved on his iPad, Neil sat down on the chair, kicking his shoes off and rolling up one pant leg. Andrew sucked in a breath when he saw that Neil had shaved. He was pretty sure, anyways. “Don’t tell me,” he huffed. “You do that for exy.”

“Kevin mentioned it to me,” Neil explained. “Shave your legs so there’s less wind resistance.”

“You’re both morons,” Andrew decided. “Stay there, I’ll print out the stencil.”

The rest of Black Ink was almost empty. The only thing filling the silence other than quiet conversation was the music playing throughout the parlor at low volume. Andrew wasted a few minutes at the printer, getting his breath back and giving himself a short motivational speech. Andrew had already known that he and Neil had rarely touched despite living together. The only times he remembered doing so was when passing something over - just a brush of fingertips. But now he’d be touching Neil’s leg, and if Nicky knew about this he’d be laughing and making a joke about Andrew being a repressed Victorian maiden or something.

To get that image out of his head, Andrew grabbed the stencil and stomped back to his room.

Neil was sitting in the same spot, looking around the walls at the art that was displayed, but once Andrew had walked back in he stared like he always did. Andrew had printed off more than one and stared at the spot on Neil’s leg that he knew the tattoo was going to go. The spot Neil had pointed to, right above his ankle and on the outside of his calf.

“Remember where it is?” Neil asked. He already knew that Andrew remembered everything, so it was just to get his attention.

Though, Neil sounded as nervous as Andrew felt. His voice wobbled just slightly at the end of his question, and he cleared his throat to try to hide it, but Andrew had already heard. He knew how big of a step this was for him, but clearly it was just as big a step for Neil.

“You don’t have to get it,” Andrew reminded him.

“I want it,” Neil told him.

“Okay.” Andrew didn’t tell him again, but he wasn’t about to assume Neil was ready just yet. “Can I touch you?”

“Oh. Yeah, go ahead.”

Andrew first reached one finger out and poked Neil’s leg. He intended to feel if there was any hair leftover to shave off, but Neil had done a good job, and he didn’t draw away from the poke. So Andrew moved on, quickly cleaning the area with some sanitary wipes, then grabbing the stencil and carefully placed it on Neil’s leg. It worked like a temporary tattoo, which would allow Andrew to trace over with the tattoo machine. He made sure his hands didn’t linger. “That good?” he asked, throwing away the plastic from the stencil.

“Yes.”

Andrew could once again feel Neil’s eyes on him while he got the tattoo machine ready, pulling on some black gloves and pulling a towel onto one thigh to wipe up any ink that bled. He glanced up when he was ready. “What?”

“I don’t know what it’ll feel like,” Neil said.

He hadn’t gotten many, but Andrew had a few tattoos himself. At one point in his life he’d considered ditching the black armbands he wore each day by getting sleeves for his forearms, but in the end he didn’t go through with it. There was just one tattoo on his wrist: a small bee with a trail after it. “Ever get your gums numbed at the dentist?” Andrew asked. Neil nodded, frowning while staring at the stencil on his calf. “It’s like that, but on your leg.”

“I’m not worried about it hurting,” Neil slowly explained. “I just don’t want to jerk away when I feel it.”

Well, it couldn’t be worse than the time a college girl had wanted something on her leg and had flinched away when she felt the needles. That wasn’t pleasant for anybody involved. “I’ll hold you down,” Andrew reassured. He reached out the hand that didn’t have the tattoo machine, hovering over the widest part of Neil’s calf. “Yes?”

“Yes,” Neil replied. The moment Andrew touched him, Neil seemed to relax, but Andrew made sure to press down firmly. He raised the tattoo machine in question, waited for another nod, and then got to work. Despite being worried about trying to jerk away, Neil only seemed to relax more. “Oh,” he said.

“Oh?” Andrew repeated.

The buzzing from the tattoo machine filled the silence while Neil gathered his thoughts. “Yeah, numbing,” he eventually said with a snort.

They didn’t talk much while Andrew worked on the tattoo. Andrew just focused on what he was doing, keeping one hand pressing firmly down on Neil’s leg. But it wasn’t uncomfortable to be sitting in silence, because they were both already used to it. At times they said a few things, but for the hour it took to finish the tattoo, they didn’t say much. When he was done, Andrew put away his supplies and wiped away any stray ink left on Neil’s leg, then put a bandage on it.

“Keep that on for at least an hour,” Andrew instructed. “Then keep putting lotion on it.”

Neil shifted on the seat, reaching for the bandage but pausing right before he could touch it. Instead, he tapped his fingertips on his leg. “Why lotion?”

“Technically, a tattoo is an open wound,” Andrew explained. “It’ll scab. Don’t pick it.”

They both knew what he was referring to. Neil had a habit of picking at any scabs he had on his body. He was lucky he had Andrew around to make sure he wouldn’t. “Okay,” Neil said, standing up. He left his pant leg as it was and pulled on his shoes while Andrew continued cleaning up. “Are you coming home?”

“Yes,” Andrew said. “Just let me clean up.”

And Neil waited for him just outside the parlor. The girl sitting at the front desk had a pointed smirk on her face when Andrew walked out, so he made a point to ignore her as he joined Neil and they made their way to the apartment.

~*~

Within the next few days, Neil’s tattoo healed nicely. Andrew made him put lotion on it often and threw things at him when he’d go to pick at the scabs. When the skin was smooth again, Neil kept tapping his tattoo. Andrew tried to ignore it, but it was difficult when they lived together and spent any leisure time they had on the living room couch.

Inspiration struck at the most random times, so Andrew had his iPad in his lap while they watched House Hunters. Neil was taking up most of the couch, his socked feet just inches away from Andrew, and it was distracting. His eyes kept looking at them whenever any movement was made, which meant it was taking forever to finish this drawing. When the episode ended, Neil shifted on the couch until they were sitting right next to each other.

“What’re you making?” he asked.

“Bear,” Andrew mumbled.

“Where’s it going?”

“Leg,” Andrew explained. “Not sure how big.”

“Hmm,” Neil hummed. He leaned back and was quiet for a moment, long enough for Andrew to turn his head to make eye contact. “You could draw on me.”

What.

“Draw on you?” Andrew repeated, somehow keeping his voice even. Years of practice kept it from cracking or wobbling in any way.

“Yeah. That way you know what it’ll look like.”

Andrew was about to refuse, but he thought about it and realized that Neil had a similar build to the man who wanted the tattoo. Not only that, but Neil was reaching out. They still didn’t touch after Andrew had given Neil the tattoo - still only brushing fingers at times. And after thinking about it, Andrew realized that he wanted to touch again.

So, that night, they continued watching House Hunters while Andrew drew the bear on Neil’s leg with a thin expo marker. It was on the other leg this time, which was laid over Andrew’s lap while he worked. They didn’t say anything, probably because Neil was too busy roasting the woman looking for an expensive house that loudly criticized everything she hated - “Who needs five bedrooms, anyway? We have three and nothing’s in that last one…” - and Andrew was too focused on the fact that Neil’s leg was in his lap.

And that he was drawing on it with an expo marker.

And that he was completely comfortable with it.

When he’d finished, Neil leaned at every angle he could to see the drawing. And Andrew knew it was coming, so he blamed his heart pounding on the fact that he’d just had Neil’s leg in his lap. “I think I want another tattoo,” Neil mumbled.

“I’ll…” Andrew paused, doing his best to ignore the way Neil’s face lit up. “Check my schedule.”

~*~

Neil had been on two exy teams since graduating and was now on the Olympic one. The other tattoos he wanted were the logos of his previous teams, each one above the last on his calf. Andrew couldn’t believe he was actually tattooing something exy related on someone’s body, but Neil had been the exception to a lot of things, lately. He offered up whatever space was on his legs for Andrew to draw on, and if he wanted to get another tattoo Andrew would clear space in his busy schedule.

The only tattoos he’d done so far on Neil had been on his legs. The two logos of his other teams were there, but Neil claimed he wanted to wait until he’d won at the Olympics to get anything for that. Around the logos were random letters in an ugly, blocky font. Andrew had tried to argue for something different, but Neil hadn’t budged. On his other leg he’d wanted a dragon: specifically it was a wyvern surrounded by budding flowers, and he wanted it large enough to go from his ankle to his knee. That one had taken hours and Andrew had spent days designing it, practicing some ideas on Neil’s leg until he was satisfied.

There were more: a few phrases in French that Andrew didn’t understand and didn’t feel like looking up, a cat with some pawprints near the logos, and a choppy sunrise. By now there wasn’t much space left on Neil’s calves, but he hadn’t expressed any interest in getting anything anywhere else. Which was fine, because Andrew already had enough of a time touching Neil’s legs, but he’d also like the chance to see more if he could.

But he wouldn’t ask. He and Neil had clear boundaries, and while they’d gotten more comfortable with each other, Andrew wasn’t going to reach out unless Neil said it was okay.

That’s why it was such a surprise when Neil mentioned the next tattoo he wanted.

“I can draw a phoenix,” Andrew told him while they washed dishes after eating dinner. King Fluffkins had climbed onto Andrew’s shoulders and watched him scrape the rest of the leftovers into some Tupperware containers. “Why rising from the ashes?”

Neil shrugged. “After everything in Baltimore, I got a chance to live. Kind of like how a phoenix rises from the ashes and is born again.”

“Renee told you that, didn’t she,” Andrew said, unimpressed.

“Yeah, but the tattoo is my idea!”

It was a nice idea. After living together for almost a full year, the two had admitted bits of their pasts to one another, so Andrew knew all about Baltimore. He’d seen the scars left on Neil’s arms, and at first he’d been angry. If he hadn’t dropped out of college, maybe he could’ve done something to prevent Neil from being hurt.

“Where?” Andrew asked, because he wasn’t sure where he could tattoo a large phoenix on Neil’s legs.

“Well…” Neil trailed off, immediately catching Andrew’s attention. “I was thinking my ribs?”

“Thinking, or sure?” Andrew needed Neil to be sure. Firstly, because tattoos are permanent, and Neil needed to know exactly where he wanted it. And secondly because Andrew was eager to be allowed to touch any bit of Neil that he could.

“Sure,” Neil decided after thinking for a few moments. “But, before that…”

He dried his hands and walked forward, shooing King away. Andrew watched him closely while he reached out, gripping one of Andrew’s wrists gently, and lifted it to the edge of his shirt. Andrew sucked in a breath when Neil pushed his hand to his skin. Andrew didn’t need to see underneath to know he was touching scars.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to,” Neil said quietly. He still held onto Andrew’s wrist, but his grip was loose enough that Andrew could easily slip away.

But he didn’t want to. He watched Neil’s face closely as he moved his hand upwards towards his ribs, feeling the raised skin as he went. Neil let him do it, didn’t push Andrew’s hand away or tell him to stop by the time Andrew reached the place he thought the tattoo would go. “I can ink over scars,” he assured.

“But are you okay with seeing them?” Neil asked.

Andrew really thought about it for a moment. “Yes. I already hate every inch of you.”

Neil snorted. He let go of Andrew’s wrist, and he pulled his hand back. “I’m not as naïve as I used to be,” he chided.

Oh. “Oh?” Andrew asked.

“Yeah.” Neil was smirking, just like the little shit he was. “You wanna kiss me so bad.”

Andrew looked away, closing the last of the Tupperware dishes. “Not anymore,” he huffed.

“You can,” Neil added. Andrew glanced over his shoulder, seeing that the smirk had fallen to something more soft. “If you want. I’d like that.”

“I bet you would,” Andrew huffed. He wasn’t that upset, but he refused to give away that his heart wouldn’t stop pounding. A moment later, he turned around and crowded Neil against their kitchen counter, pulling him down for a kiss by gripping the back of his neck.

~*~

“It feels different,” Neil said over the buzzing of the tattoo machine. His eyebrows were drawn together, but he hadn’t said anything about pain. To tattoo the phoenix onto his ribs, Andrew had to crowd closer than he had in the past, so their heads were close.

“Hurt?” Andrew asked, pulling back the tattoo gun for a moment.

“No,” Neil mumbled. “Just different.”

The phoenix wasn’t even halfway done. Andrew had already practiced a few designs on Neil’s ribs with the expo marker, and they’d settled on a small bird with a large wingspan bursting out of gray ashes. Neil wanted this one to be colored, but refused red. He wanted the phoenix to be in yellows and oranges instead.

“Well, we’re not even halfway done,” Andrew said softly to him.

“Hrm,” Neil hummed, leaning his head back.

The tattoo machine was brought back. Neil didn’t flinch, but he bit his lip and took a deep breath through his nose. After a moment, Andrew pulled it away again and leaned in to kiss Neil’s cheek once. “Good,” he whispered when he drew back.

Neil did a full body shudder. Andrew smirked when he saw it. “Okay, just finish the tattoo,” Neil grumbled.

“We’re not going to talk about that?” Andrew asked, going back to his job.

“No,” Neil said. “Not until we get back home.”

Home. Their home, which had greatly improved over the past two months as their relationship settled into place. Andrew wiped away some of the ink and let the buzzing of the tattoo gun fill his ears, along with whatever song was playing over the speakers of the parlor as he continued working on Neil's tattoo, already knowing that he would be the only one to ever see it.

[a-clockwork-justice]

Everything I Love About Loser Geek Whatever

So, not too long ago, it was the third birthday of Loser Geek Whatever. Yes, I know the single was released on November 30th 2018 and its considered the song’s official birthday, but the 26th July three years ago was the first showing of the 2018 Off-Broadway revival of Be More Chill and the first time Loser Geek Whatever was shown to the world in any capacity. Therefore, I consider that day to be the song’s unoffical birthday and I’ve been waiting to write down everything I love about it so here I am. (This was originally gonna be posted on the 26th July but I can’t make anything concise so it took longer than that).

I’ve gone on and on about what Loser Geek Whatever means to me personally, how a slew of random chance introduce me to it, got me deep into Be More Chill, introduced me to 90% of my current friends, and overall up-ended my whole life, but now it’s time to dissect the song itself and why it’s so great. As much as I adore Loser Geek Whatever, it could’ve easily been any other song that threw me down a rabbit hole and that I could’ve latched onto- no, wait, it couldn’t have been, because Loser Geek Whatever is unique in that way. I did about a year of music at A-Level so I’m gonna delve into some of the technical aspects here too. I’m chronicling this mostly for myself so I am going as deep as I see fit because this song is a treasure hiding yet more treasures. If you happen to love Loser Geek Whatever as much as I do, this’ll be your goldmine.

So, grab a snack my fellow fans, because here’s a comprehensive list of everything to love about Loser Geek Whatever in roughly chronological order. Long post incoming:

The song starts off strong from the first millisecond - I don’t know what instrument(s) they used but just listen to the single version again - that opening chord blares at you like a siren. It calls for your attention, screaming this is incredibly important, and indeed it is. That chord, an F chord, has no indication as to whether it’s major or minor - it’s just the tonic F with its dominant C and another tonic F above it. In other words, it’s unresolved, it hangs in the air. From a narrative standpoint, Jeremy is at a crossroads, torn between giving into the SQUIP or staying loyal to Michael, and the music paints this. It has the same effect on both the single and album versions - I always hold my breath as it holds, it’s the gap in this crucial transition for Jeremy between who he was and him becoming something he isn’t.

To continue the thread of musical painting, the melody line contains the accidental E-flat which doesn’t belong to the key of F major. This once again illustrates Jeremy’s uncertainty, but there’s more - the whole introduction is a slowed-down version of the Apocalypse of the Damned theme from Two Player Game, arguably the point in the show when Michael and Jeremy’s relationship was at its strongest. Jeremy’s recalling everything he had with Michael, but the slowing down of the melody shows hesitancy, along with highlighting the accidental E flat. These latter points of course aren’t unique to Loser Geek Whatever - they’re also in the section of Upgrade that twins with Loser Geek Whatever. I’m just laying out why they work so well. 

I’m glad I waited until after I saw the show in London to finish writing this - I’m something of a Loser Geek Whatever purist, as made clear by my ire at them cutting it in half and tacking the end of Upgrade back on for the London version. I still enjoyed the show in London though and I’m glad I knew about this change ahead of time, because they did change something about the song that I think really worked - they added two notes in the bass to each bar, like heartbeats, which once again signifies Jeremy’s uncertancy and the importance of this major turning point.

It’s been firmly established by this point that Jeremy is a loser and he knows it. He doesn’t want to be a hero, he just wants to survive, but there’s a difference between that and feeling “inconsequential.” Jeremy is basically admitting that, in his eyes, it doesn’t matter to the world or anyone except Michael if he even survives or not. He’s not just a loser, or a geek - he’s a whatever, with no one caring who he is. And he’s felt this way for years - since middle school began. He’s now in his Junior year of high school - that’s five years of being in this state of being unnoticed at best and picked on at worst. He’s “the one who’s left out”. With just one little line, hell, one word, we’re given more layers as to why he so badly wants to change that.

Moving from the first verse to the chorus, we start to see Jeremy’s attitude shift, from being sad to being angry - he’s frustrated, resentful that he’s spent so long in this state (A lot of people have made similar comparisons about Will Roland’s Jeremy as a whole in relation to Will Connolly’s Jeremy and I think this song exemplifies that). He doesn’t deserve to feel this horrible - not now and certainly not for the next two years until he and Michael can be “cool in college.” When you think about it, what options does he really have? He could either give into the SQUIP or reject it and go back to where he was, still miserable and lonely. Yes, he has Michael and Michael is an amazing, kind, loyal best friend, but as many have pointed out, he’s also dismissive of Jeremy’s feelings of inadequacy whether he means to be or not, which only made Jeremy feel more lonely. Should Jeremy just expect to feel better about himself at some point before college? He’s waited for years, why would that happen at any other point?

More layers baby! Second verse, Jeremy rants on about his father’s advice about following his own instincts and how it’s gotten him nowhere he wants to be. Come to think of it, Michael’s advice about staying the same and waiting for their environment to change can be seen as similar - it’s arguably easier for Michael as he has two loving mothers who undoutably give him plenty of positive reinforcement. Meanwhile, Jeremy’s mother has left them, which likely instilled further feelings of not being good enough, and his father has fallen apart to the point where he can’t even put pants on, let alone step up to take care of his son, meaning that Jeremy likely isn’t going to take his advice very seriously, especially after it’s failed him so thoroughly. But to Jeremy, the problem isn’t necessarily the advice itself - it’s that it’s being followed by him. So now he’s going to turn around and put his life and every choice in something else’s hands, even if - no, especially if it goes against his own instincts. It still doesn’t feel quite right, it “feels bizarre”, but it’s getting him somewhere, so it has to be right in the most meaningful capacity, and to Jeremy, the “most meaningful capacity” is any capacity that isn’t his own.

Now the best line - the one about being a “normal, handsome guy”. Let’s get this on the table - Jeremy is trans. Will Roland himself said that he often thinks of the show’s young trans fans when he sings that line. Naturally, societal transphobia plus gender dysphoria would have a pretty catestrophic effect on the self-esteem of any growing teenager, even more so one in Jeremy’s situation for the reasons I’ve just laid out. He’s probably missed out on a lot of things that “normal” guys take for granted, with most girls barely looking in his direction, let alone in any positive manner. Jeremy’s own sexuality aside, it’s mostly society, and the SQUIP by extension, that considers scoring with girls to be a “manly” or masculine activity, and through Brooke treating him as dateable material, Jeremy feels better about fitting into society’s rules of how a man should be and act. This isn’t the only reason he feels good about Brooke finding him attractive, of course, but it’s just another layer that Jeremy sees more value in conforming to how society says he should be rather than in how he actually is.

I know I just said that the last point was about the best line, but honestly, there’s more than one best line in this song. The bridge is where we start to see Jeremy’s language becoming more technologically inclined - “prompt”, “command” and “bandwidth” are all terms used in computing and used to show how Jeremy is likening himself, or his intentions, to a computer, effectivly merging himself and his SQUIP into one entity and Jeremy willingly giving over his own individuality.

And HERE, we get to the kicker. I’ve talked a lot about layers throughout this whole essay, about themes and motifs building on each other. Jeremy is essentially peeling back the layers of his own situation and only finding reason after deeper reason after deeper reason as to why he should follow the SQUIP and not be a loser anymore. Now, he hits the core, the seed, the crux of it all - “The problem has ALWAYS BEEN ME!!” Everything he is, everything that makes Jeremy Heere himself, is and has always been wrong. This line is a gut punch and EVERYONE knows it - the performer always takes a few seconds to let it sink in before continuing.

As an aside, I wanna mention the differences between the single and the album versions of the bridge. The album version starts of quieter after the vocalising of the last chorus, and builds up to the climactic final line, while the single version is loud all the way through but gets even louder and punchier at the end. Both are good, but I personally prefer the single version - the album sounds like Jeremy is broken and desperate and on the verge of tears as he reaches his inevitable but ugly realisation. The single is also desperate, but it’s pleading and all-consuming and a THOUSAND times more powerful, I get chills every time I hear it. (Side note, the London version starts of loud like the single and ends quieter like the album, almost as if Jeremy is reluctant to admit what he truly believes about himself, and it’s easy to see why, it’s a damn harsh condemnation).

“Take a breath and get prepared” - Jeremy sings to both himself and the audience. The first half has been heavy and we need a breather. Yet just before he goes over the brink, he has second thoughts. His conscience, his own voice in his head, breaks through, warning him that his choice will have consequences for other people than himself. People will get hurt - Michael most of all. Not just by Jeremy ditching him; here’s something else - when Jeremy is the “cool dude”, he might end up being a bully to those who are losers just like him, cutting them down just as Rich’s SQUIP made Rich do to him. Who would be the perfect target for Jeremy’s potential future bullying? His former best friend and fellow loser, Michael Mell. It’s pretty damn likely that if the SQUIP hadn’t optic nerve blocked Michael, it would’ve told Jeremy to pick on him, and even though Michael has ostensibly been pretty good at brushing these things off before, the takedowns would hurt a LOT more coming from his former best friend - and we know this because IT ACTUALLY HAPPENS, granted without the SQUIP influencing Jeremy directly (also let’s just clear up that just because the SQUIP wasn’t on doesn’t mean its influence on Jeremy hadn’t disappeared - that’s not how emotional abuse works).

Twelve years of loyal friendship, of borderline unhealthy codependency … can he throw all that away for Christine, a girl he’s thus admired from afar and is only just starting to get to know as a person? Moreover, even if Jeremy gets Christine, what about himself, who he wants to be? He just wants to be something other than himself because he thinks that anything is better but … what? The cool dude, the hero or … whatever. He’ll take anything because he’s that desperate, but what about when he gets it? Will he finally be satisfied? Will it be worth failing his one real friend, an act so scummy that the only way he could possibly stomach it would be to somehow pretend he hadn’t done it?

But none of those questions matter to Jeremy now - he’s fully gaslit into believing that every thought and inclination that comes from himself is wrong and shouldn’t be followed. He needs to sync up with the SQUIP and the rest of the world and mute his own defective inner voice. When you think about it, the relationship between Jeremy and the SQUIP is one of the most intense abusive relationships ever put to fiction - we’ve seen emotional abuse and brainwashing before, but here, Jeremy is literally preventing from THINKING the wrong way because the SQUIP can detect his every thought. See what I mean when I say that doesn’t go away when the SQUIP turns off for a few minutes?!

Throughout all of this is the undercurrent of Jeremy wanting to get better. He’s been trying so hard for so long to have a better life, but nothing has worked. Not listening to his dad, not trying to get closer to Christine through theatre, and certainly not listening to Michael’s advice to wait until college. Why should he resign himself to even more time being miserable with no end in sight? After all, being cool in college isn’t a guarantee. After all he’s been through, it’s his turn to finally be cool, after an eternity of being someone he doesn’t want to be.

Another best line in this song - “I’m Player One.” As mentioned a few times in the show before, like in the Broadway upgrade, Jeremy feels lower even in his friendship with Michael - he’s Player 2 as the more experienced Michael is Player 1. As previously established, Jeremy admits that he’s “not the one who the story’s about.” Now he’s ready to finally take control of his life, be the main character and have good things happen to him, and that means cutting out Michael, the old Player 1. The irony here is that Jeremy is less like Player 1 and more like a video game avatar. In reality, the SQUIP is Player 1, making Jeremy do whatever it demands of him.

More best lines! The slew of insults towards the end serves not just as yet more gut punches for the audience but as a major catharsis for Jeremy - It’s telling that the insults get harsher as his rant goes on, from the “weirdo” to the “weakling freak” to the “failure” to the climactic “please don’t speak”. He’s unloading everything that he’s been carrying over the years, ripping out the bullets that have been embedded in his skin and re-opening all the wounds in the process, but he’s done with the pain and he’ll never ever let himself be hurt like that again, if he follows the SQUIP.

I’ve made a whole post about the significance of the best line “Please Don’t Speak” before so I’ll mostly be repeating a lot of what I said there because it’s been a while since that post and because I want to. Who would’ve said that to Jeremy? Probably not Rich or Chloe, it’s not like them. It had to have come from an adult in a position of authority that could’ve commanded Jeremy not to speak like that - one that apparently did so enough times for him to internalise those words like he did the others. (Even worse if it was more than one adult ...). Out of all of the insults, it’s easy to see how that can easily be the most scarring out of all of them - how would an adult let a child know they’re inadequate? By silencing them. Making it clear that their expression of self not only means nothing, but should be forcibly avoided. Put like that, it makes it much easier to see how and why Jeremy fell under the SQUIP’s influence so easily - telling it was hardly different from authority figures he’s experienced before. In even more sad irony, as Jeremy claims that he’s breaking free and letting go of his past as the “please don’t speak”, he’s just walking right into another, similar trap that he can’t easily escape from. The SQUIP literally vocal cord blocks him during The Play - if that doesn’t say “Please don’t speak,” what does?!

The climax is growing! The music shifts into the relative minor as Jeremy fully gives in to the SQUIP’s evil influence. This is the point of no return, the point where he’s literally being surrounded and overtaken - if you’ve seen this on stage or even just a bootleg, you’ll know what I mean, when the lighting shifts and the circuitry start closing in around him, it’s wonderful. The bass ascends, Jeremy declares once and for all that HE IS NOT THE LOSER, THE GEEK, OR WHATEVER, and he never will be again! As some have pointed out, the sequence of notes on the final “again” is the same as at the end of Be More Chill Part 2, except the last note is different. In BMC part 2, it goes further down by a minor third, but in Loser Geek Whatever, it rises up to the same note it started with. This foreshadows Jeremy’s fate - that he will eventually overcome the SQUIP and that he still has it in him to do so. Man, let me just point out how amazing that last belt is - it lasts for a full 15 seconds in a really high range and takes a LOT of control to bring it back up to the high B without breaking. This song really was written for Will Roland - his voice can pull it off seamlessly, but other actors and understudies have had to find workarounds. No disrespect to them, it’s a damn hard song and it kicks ass all the way through. Scott Folan apparently had trouble with it too, but on the day I happened to see him, he pulled it off without breaking, so props to him!

Overall, Loser Geek Whatever is my favourite song in Be More Chill and not just for its sentimental value to myself. It’s a genuinely deep, complex piece that earned every second of its six minutes. Loser Geek Whatever is definitely the missing piece the show needed - not only is it Jeremy’s solo song, it’s also his “I Want” song and, in a way, his 11 o’clock number all in one, as he’s having a major epiphany after going on a journey, albeit only half of one. It’s easy to see why Joe Iconis dubbed this his anti-Defying Gravity, but it’s also easy to draw parallels to No Good Deed - how both Jeremy and Elphaba vow to become something that society is forcing upon them rather than what they are, even if that society’s will is objectively worse for them. Loser Geek Whatever deserves a thousand times the recognition it has and I still wonder to this day what the fandom reaction would’ve been if it had been in the original soundtrack.

So, that was it. I’m not sorry it was this long.

TL;DR: Loser Geek Whatever is wonderful and anyone who doesn’t think so is wrong.

[goggles-mcgee]

Okay, So I need to Ask Um, Got any salt on Marinette's Parents? Because as much As I love them in the show, They are almost never around to do anything.

Oh yeah definitely.

The show shows them to be loving supportive parents and I think a lot of us like to latch onto that when writing but when you take a step back, you realize they are almost never around and why? Because of their business. They are neglectful. Now it very well could be they don't mean to be, but the fact of the matter is, they are and as a result of that Marinette is very mature and always feels pressure to do things on her own or to make things perfect. That's a lot to put on a child.

Anyways mini rant over! There are 3 ideas on my Dead Sea Salt List that include Tom and Sabine salt and I shall tell them to you and the ways they are salted!

Idea 3. Marinette, The Rolling Stone:

This one is obvious here as this whole story is about Jagged and Penny adopting Marinette. Tom and Sabine like to think they know their daughter but the truth is they aren't around a lot. They don't even notice that she doesn't hang out with the girls in class anymore and hasn't done so in months for crying out loud! They don't even notice that she hasn't gone out to hang out with her friends either.

But then Marinette's friends come in and start telling them that Marinette is bullying the new girl, they don't even recognize Lila from when she almost got Marinette expelled, and Lila herself creates a sob story and well Tom and Sabine notice then and there just how often Marinette has been at home by herself. They fall for the lies.

And well, this is a blessing in disguise for them, they were getting busier with the bakery and thinking of opening up another location and doing that while juggling a teenager would be so difficult, especially a problem child. They decide to kick Marinette out, but they aren't "malicious" or "cold-hearted" they decide to emancipate her. They purely do it because they think they are protecting their family members by not letting Marinette manipulate them into thinking she's the sweet person they thought she was, and they want to protect their image. They don't want their family members to think ill of them.

Then Jagged Stone pops up wanting to commission Marinette, but Tom and Sabine tell them they grounded Marinette from designing and took away her sewing machine. He's livid and demands the reason why, they tell him and he just looks at them like they lost their heads, even asks if they did, because he knows there's no way Marinette would bully someone. They insist she has and she's changed and she's this horrible little liar and manipulator and that's why they are getting rid of her. It takes a lot for him not to get akumatized then and there but Jagged firmly says he'll adopt Marinette.

They try their best to talk him out of it but he's set. So they let him, they just know hope he knows he can't return her when he finds out they were right.

Life is good for them after they get rid of Marinette, that is until the interview. Nadja gets an exclusive interview with Jagged Stone, Penny Rolling and their new adoptive daughter that they have been raving about on social media. Nadja does nothing to hold back her disgust when she recounts what Marinette and her new parents had told her about Tom and Sabine kicking her out all because of a liar. The interview is an hour special where they debunk each and every single one of Lila's lies. And Tom and Sabine watch and the pits in their stomachs grow the more they watch.

After all that. Paris erupts. Gabriel literally passes out from all the anger and sadness he feels from his Miraculous and has to take sleeping medication and just sleep the day away. Everyone who had ever met Marinette was furious, not only at her school and friends, but at her parents too. Regulars who used to come in stopped. Which is a kind of a big deal in France, you pick a bakery and basically stick to it. Despite their products being good, people are hesitant to go to Tom and Sabine's, because how can they go to a place and expect to be treated well when the owners treated their own daughter so awfully and for what? For lies?

They can't even get a second location anymore, the owner of the place they were going to buy from refused their offer. They wanted someone who treasured baking and family to buy their place and they can see that Tom and Sabine don't treasure those ideals. They still get business, but it's not as good as it had been. Some people come in and buy something small but they always have something to say about Marinette, like how it's a shame she's not there, or how her cupcakes were always decorated the best, or how her smile always made their day. Little jabs that just made Tom and Sabine hurt more.

They tried to get Marinette back but to no luck. They tried to say the adoption wasn't legal because of the lies but that got slammed down pretty fast. They tried to talk with her anyway they could think of till she changed her number and Jagged and Penny threatened to take legal action against them.

Everytime they went out, it felt like they were being judged. Like people didn't even want to look at them.

Gina and Roland basically disowned them

Idea 6. Wish Me Away

Not a lot of salt but Tom and Sabine were getting more and more distant with Marinette the closer the big battle got. She tried to pretend she didn't notice but she did, they seemed to only be around ling enough to give her good mornings, obligatory 'I love you's', even when they had dinner together it felt like when they asked her how her day was they were only doing it because it was what parents did, not because they were genuinely interested. Everyday that got closer to the fight she had wanted to be honest and just tell them that she was being crushed under all the weight of her responsibilities but she knew if she did she would be met with disappointment and fake sympathy.

She knew it wasn't healthy, she knew it wasn't right, but Marinette figured she was better off than most kids so she never complained. Then the battle happened and the wish happened and honestly, her parents didn't notice she didn't come home. They figured she was at a friend's house. The second night it was a Sunday so they just figured she was still at a friend's. The third day it was Monday, a school day and nothing, she never came home for lunch which she always did, they remembered that at least. So they called the school to ask if she had been in that day but the school told them, very politely, that no one by the name Marinette Dupain Cheng ever went to their school.

Of course they freak out and assume this must be the work of an Akuma. But days pass by and they really start to get worried and try to get Nadja to help them but even she looks at them like they're crazy and calmly tells them they don't have a daughter. That's when they finally go up to Marinette's room and see it's just a normal attic. Then Marinette's classmates come by and her teacher and they ask where she is and they nearly weep because somebody else remembers her and they tell them what has been going on. They too think it's an Akuma.

Then Adrien comes by with a woman they've never met and he looks like he'll but they refrain from saying anything, they still keep their business going because they figure if it is an Akuma then Ladybug and Chat Noir will defeat it any day now and Marinette will come back. There are days when they forget that Marinette is missing and doesn't that just say something? But they have to tell Adrien that only a few people remember Marinette and they suspect it's an Akuma. They don't notice how pale the boy gets or the cold face his mother makes at the mention of an Akuma but they give them a couple discounted treats and send them on their way.

Then Ladybug makes an appearance on Nadja's network and says it's to give an announcement. She looks different, older, and her suit is also different but everyone is paying attention. She tells of the battle with Hawkmoth, Gabriel Agreste, that was the first big shock, she tells them that she was betrayed by Chat Noir, but she would not give out his name as he was already living out his punishments, she tells them that Hawkmoth made his wish and the world was paying for it, that Gabriel and Chat were paying for it, they lost someone dear to them, for Gabriel it was Nathalie, for Chat it was the previous Ladybug, Marinette Dupain Cheng...their existences had been erased from the universe but those who had wronged them or failed them would be punished with the memories of them.

Tomnand Sabine froze at that because it made sense, and at the same time didn't. How did they fail Marinette? They just couldn't understand it. Gina didn't remember having a granddaughter but she remembered Tom and Sabine calling and asking about a Marinette, and in a rare moment she had been in Paris during the announcement and had heard what Ladybug had said. She cried for the little girl she didn't know but she was angry at her son and his wife because they clearly remembered her so they were being punished, and she could imagine why. Their bakery was always their top priority, it was their baby, everything else came second. They never wanted a baby, they never said it out loud but she knew, so she could only imagine what this Marinette had to go through and she cried for the girl.

Roland remembered being helped by the heroes but he doesn't remember why but when he watched the announcement he thinks it may be because of the granddaughter he can't remember, he didn't want to see his son or wife, it had been that way for awhile, but he felt his heart wrench for the granddaughter he couldn't remember and would never get to know. Roland was even more disappointed in his son when he got a call asking if he remembered this Marinette, because it meant he had failed his own daughter and their protector. He knew he wasn't the best father but he felt outraged on behalf of the granddaughter he lost.

People found out that Tom and Sabine remembered and so they found out they were being punished, which made people a bit wary of them.

[The "new" Ladybug is literally just Tikki using Trixx's illusions, Tikki is hella petty in this fic, also okay that was more salt that I thought]

Idea 9. Ivy's Sapling:

This one definitely doesn't have a lot of salt towards them but there is some. They do care about Marinette and they see her as a niece more than a daughter. So they aren't really as involved in her life as maybe they should be but she understands that they didn't ask for her. When the problems with Lila start up they want to believe in her and they do at the beginning but they start to question of they could be true because of her background. From what her and Gina said, she was from the bad part of Gotham and so was her mother, they never told them she was Poison Ivy's kid, they just know that Marinette's mother goes by Pamela when she talks with Marinette on the phone.

So they don't fully turn on Marinette but they do start to be wary and more questioning, they don't trust her as much as they did before which does hurt her but they don't fully believe Lila and her classmates, or more like they don't want to believe.

[holdharmonysacred]

man I will say something feels a little...... off in how some of the lobcorp content I’ve seen talks about Ayin as a character. TV Tropes for example leans HEAVILY on the whole “Ayin is a bad boss and a horrible person who treats everyone like garbage” angle, but the thing is that the whole point of Ayin’s character arc is that he’s done so much horrible shit and ruined his life and the life and the lives of everyone he loves, and also he absolutely hates himself for it and has turbo depression out of regret for all his bullshit, and part of the whole point of Lobcorp’s plot is him trying to fix his mistakes and atone for everything he’s done in Carmen’s name. Literally the whole point of the Abram boss fight is fighting the living personification of Ayin’s guilt and regret and depression over all the shit that’s happened. And it feels pretty fucking weird that everyone talks about Ayin setting up the “helping the Sephirah get over their traumas” boss gauntlet as his yet again screwing his friends over for selfish reasons, when 1. Ayin’s desire to make amends still seems pretty goddamn genuine regardless, he’s an idiot who frequently does Not Quite The Right Thing but the whole point of the post-boss fight cutscenes is to show that he does feel genuine concern for his coworkers even if he’s a dumbdumb about showing it, and 2. the whole point and conclusion of Hod’s arc for example is specifically that, even if you’re doing good for selfish reasons or if people think you’re doing good for selfish reasons, you should still do good anyway, because doing good is the right thing to do, and it seems pretty Whack to act like a game where that is a major message would magically turn that part off when it comes to other characters. And yeah, Ayin treats Angela like absolute garbage, but given that the game makes a point that at least one past Ayin broke down and started apologizing to Angela nonstop I’m pretty sure that, if Ayin ever got the chance or had the issue brought up to him after all the character development he went through, that he would start trying to treat her better, and the only reason he doesn’t in the game is he’s an idiot who oopsy daisy slammed the heel-face door behind him and locked himself out while ascending to the heavens.

And it feels especially whack given that the theme of “These people are horrible monsters who have hurt or even killed hundreds of thousands of people, only to have a massive ‘My god, what have I done?!’ realization and turn around and try to make things right and atone for their sins” is like. kind of the whole point of a lot of ProjectMoon’s works????????? I’ve read everything so far except Library of Ruina, but even for that I’ve seen spoilers, and the big recurring motif with each main character so far is “Person who has done fucked up things realizes just how badly they have fucked up, freaks out, and either goes into a self harm guilt spiral or immediately tries to fix things”. Moses in Distortion Detective’s whole thing is she’s a war vet who got thousands of innocent people killed who’s trying to use her current career to atone and actually help people for once, and Library of Ruina is basically Roland and Angela Redemption Arcs: The Game. So it feels weird to see stuff go “yeah that checks out” for those characters, but then for Ayin it just goes in one ear and out the other.

[kelbunny]

god forbid a character be morally ambiguous or make mistakes or have a lapse in judgment or have a facade meant to be dismantled by the viewer or—

it’s so fun being a very big fan of both of these characters. so so fun 😔

I mean tristrat makes it pretty easy to misinterpret or underappreciate certain characters in a sense because they’re. three dimensional! and complex! and INTERESTING! and dealing with VERY TOUGH CIRCUMSTANCES AND DECISIONS but even still, understanding the characters boils down to playing the game to its fullest and not just immediately dismissing a character because they made one bad or otherwise questionable decision (as fun as it is to poke fun at certain decisions sometimes like yeah let’s go blow up a dam that sounds fun, it is still good to actually. understand. why the choice was offered in the first place?)

some of the temenos takes out there though. yikes. just. yikes. I don’t even know where to begin with those also I’d feel bad just randomly dumping my thoughts on the matter in your inbox sorry

uh sorry for randomly throwing this at you but I read those tags and felt them in the core of my being

Fortunately with Roland it feels like the fandom has gotten better with the bad fan takes or I'm just good at curating my fandom space haha but being a Roland fan during the early days was rough bc it felt like people saw Roland's chapter 17 decision and immediately threw out all previous characterizations and ignored any further characterization. I think I even saw posts on reddit complaining how he was helping the Roselle in the non utility endings bc they seem to think that's why his chapter 17 decision is what it was. Like its an absolutely horrid decision, but it was made out of hatred for himself and for Aesfrost.

And there was also people who assumed that I only liked Roland bc I wasn't that far in the game (note: when I got the comment, I had already finished my first TriStrat run)

And yeah, there's definitely the point that Triangle Strategy lets you make horrible decisions (you mentioned the dam, but you also have things like selling out the Roselle chapter 11).

There are 100% critiques you can make about Roland, but many of those critiques and takes feel like they were made out of bad faith.

As with Temenos, the mischaracterization, especially when in reference to shipping him with Crick is what made me dislike the ship. Especially early on, it felt like a looot of the ship content was flattening Temmy (and Crick) to fit the two perfectly into flat ship dynamics. I've actually found my self less frustrated (and occasionally) with Temenos x Crick content that actually treats them like multidimensional characters.

And even without the ship stuff, there's people who don't understand that a large part of Temmy's personality is a mask (which also feels very flattening).

[river-bottom-nightmare]

Nightwing 83 Review

guess who isn't weeks late this time. my opinion of the series is going up a little bit. it's still not great, but i'm not actively put off by it anymore the way i was after 81. not going to tag as spoilers, but be warned that they are under the cut

i’m sure you all are well aware of this but now, but dear god i love bruno redondo’s art. like, an unhealthy amount. the pink and blue is getting to be a theme with either him or just this run, but i am definitely enjoying it. the movement in this cover is clearly obvious, but well done. you recoznize right off the bat that the cover was drawn to drag your eyes down the page until you get to the bottom, but you enjoy the whole ride there. 

also, redondo’s way of drawing a character in stages of action so we can see just how much they’re doing in a split second of movement is quickly becoming something i like to see drawn with dick, and any other character that has that sort of ease of movement and body sense, like cass or sin or maybe a super. 

and he’s in action the entire time! there’s shot drawn just to show off a shirtless comic book character, the way nightwing is so often subjected to. he’s shirtless because he’s changing his clothes, and that’s all we see, no more and no less. very practical, very well done. i like it.

he looks so cute right here oh my god. the little squint, the hair curls. it’s adorable.

but also like. unless melinda has specifically outfitted the door spyhole so that the person on the other side can’t see dick looking through it (and in all honesty she might have) then everyone on the other side can see dick looking through that door. 

bringing your attention back to the “i can’t see melinda’s fbi file oh no!! it’s redacted!! whatever can we do!!” stupidity. redacted files are child’s play for oracle, and definitely doable for both dick and bruce. so that’s bullshit.

now, melinda apparently grew up with the maroni family, then took down part of the family from the inside. the maroni family is a large and notable presence in gotham, one that bruce pays a respectable amount of attention to. he definitely would have grown suspicious when two members of the maroni family were taken down, and with some investigation, he would have discovered melinda’s plan. and it should go without saying that the majority of things you see batman doing? dick can do it too.

it’s not so much that i don’t like how clever the villains/antiheroes are getting. i don’t like how dc heroes are increasingly written as less intelligent. they seem to be relying on pure fighting skills or luck, which may be the case for a couple heroes, but has never been the case for most of dc’s big name heroes, the bat family included. it’s irritating to me to see this sort of stuff pop up as a major plot point when i know that, if dick or bruce had been written with the amount of skill and power that they canonically possess, this entire mess would have been sorted out years ago.

unrelated but dick and melinda have the same hair

this may just be me, but i was always under the impression that dick doesn’t really have a “double life???”

yes, he’s talented enough to create enough differences between robin/nightwing and dick grayson’s mannerisms, way of movement, voices, and speech patterns so that it’s very difficult to put the two together.

but nightwing has never been separate from dick grayson, not the way bruce and batman is. he’s always leaned more towards clark in that aspect: his hero persona is an exaggerated, stately, larger-than-life version of who he really is. there’s no second persona, no real “dick grayson identity” and “nightwing identity.” they’re the same person with the same goals, ideas, and skills. one just pretends to abide by the law, and one gives up pretense of that.

oh good thank god. if he’d trusted her right off the bat (hehe. bat.) i would have slapped him upside the head. at least he’s still got instincts.

gosh the colouring on this is cool. the red has enough purple and pink tones to it that it doesn’t abruptly ruin the tone of the artwork. but it’s definitely glaring enough to take the reader outside of this personal moment they had slipped into between dick and melinda, to put them back in the present where they’re reminded that oh yea there are people hunting dick down. 

the next panel keeps this up too, in a less severe way. melinda’s bodyguard shows up (i forgot her name sorry :[ ) and subtly places us in the middle of an action scene rather than a private, personal scene.

laughing so fucking hard have our little vigilantes grown so accustomed to breaking into places that it doesn’t even register as a crime anymore??? tim coming in through the fire escape to pick bernard up for their date and being very much confused as to why bernard is freaking out.

i really like melinda’s shirt and now despite all the work i have to do and the fucking conference i have to host on monday i want to spend hours scrolling through clothing shops online trying to find this shirt. the mock neck/neckline is so cool i want it

so roland just assumes that a very dangerous vigilante who is highly talented in combat and a very dangerous bodyguard who is also highly talented in combat had a fight that ended with this very dangerous bodyguard being tied up and she looks completely fine? roland just assumes that her having no visible wounds or bruises means that they got into a fight and she lost that easily? uh. aight then

dick what are you doing. legitimately what the fuck are you doing. why are you posing oh my god. you are injured and tired and in absolutely no position to go hand to hand with one of main enemies. jesus christ run away or head to lower ground or something. don’t just stand around letting the floodlights show exactly where you are.

i don’t understand what he’s trying to do here??? blockbuster fully bought the story that dick fought them both, won, tried to get info out of them and failed, then hightailed it out of there. he didn’t have to draw roland out for a fight.

but it does look cool. the way the light just highlights his silhouette and the blue parts of his costume does look badass. he does get style points in my book for this.

w h a t  d i d  i  f u c k i n g  t e l l  y o u ,  d i c k ?

very classic superhero line and it does sound like something dick would say in a fit of righteous rage but also it makes me laugh so hard because all vigilantes think they’re so powerful that the law doesn’t apply to them. dick vigilantism is illegal. you’re acting above the law and pretending it doesn’t apply to you. hypocritical much?

it happens so often in superhero movies, tv shows, comics, whatever and it makes me giggle every damn time.

pretty decent comeback but before i start seeing people writing blockbuster as a thug i’m going to remind you that he made a deal with a demon for genius level intellect. if this turns into another bane situation i’m going to be a little miffed. he’s a smart man, which makes him a dangerous and infinitely more interesting enemy for nightwing.

this is so horribly in character i want to scream. (or. at least. it lines up with one of the versions of nightwing i have in my head.) he’s running right towards the bullets, miraculously doesn’t get shot, while making a sort-of pun. i hate this so much. i love him.

this is cool. this art is really really cool.

he leaped from a building right towards a helicopter that’s actively shooting at him, but none of the bullets are touching him. none of the corruption of the city can touch him no matter how hard it tries, because he’s too good to be corrupted. Comic Book Logic Can Be Good Sometimes Actually.

batman’s belt what??? swiss army knife who?? sorry, i only know nightwing’s bright blue escrima.

this is one of my favourite things about heroes with exceptional abilities, even more so if the hero is human. the things they can do are so far beyond the realm of normal human abilities that it’s equal parts terrifying and awe-inspiring every time they act.

he just used modified grappling wires to hook to the door of a moving helicopter, swung around the helicopter safely without hitting the blades, gained exactly the right momentum to swing upward again right through the opening of helicopter, then fought and tied up the men before they had any idea what was happening. that’s near impossible to do.

it’s stuff like this where i just sort of sigh in contentment. no matter how many times they leave out dick’s detective skills or conveniently forget that he’s actually a master planner and team leader and make him out to be this forgetful dude who makes everything up on the fly because of his “circus roots,” at least they won’t ever take away dick’s sheer physical ability honed to perfection. 

the art, too! in a few panels, dick’s drawn a little lightened or blurred. he’s moving so quickly and fighting so efficiently that he can barely be seen by the enemy. he’s got perfect form all the way through.

and THIS!

there was a helicopter that had five men shooting at him with what looks like machine guns. most people would be dead. some would run away, and be nimble enough to survive without fatal hits. there are very few people, even in fucking comic books, who can look at that hopeless situation and turn it around so quickly and thoroughly that he benefits from it instead.

i just. love nightwing.

it was funny the first time as a comic reader aware of the meme. it’s really not anymore. why the hell would you, in universe, be wearing a shirt that has a picture of your boyfriend being hit in the face by his father. 

okay that was funny. 

look at lil bitewing, so concerned for her human!!! love her sm. 

also a question as to the timeline of things. is nightwing happening before or after urban legends? 

i was so distracted by dick wearing a robe and briefs and nothing else that i didn’t register the second part until later. he slept for two days?? babs, baby, he recently had a very traumatic brain injury. why do you sound so nonchalant?

@TIM X COFFEE SHIPPERS GET FUCCCCKKKKEEDDDDD

ngl i totally forgot about that dude oops

this comic is giving so many reaction pictures. you know how you always use the worst possible picture of your friend for your friend’s contact picture? i’m just getting so many of these.

leslie!!! the titans!!! lucius!!! dick going to go see old friends!!!! the titans!!! this part made me so irrationally happy it really did. gar being the one to just. offer dick solutions with open arms. this was the best

i wish i could just copy and paste this entire scene, but that would take up way too much space, so i’m just going to talk about it instead. 

you gave me my name, nightwing, and you gave me some of the best advice i’ve received in my life: beautiful little throwback to nightwing’s origin. you’d be surprised at the amount of people who don’t know where the name came from, or who don’t know how much clark means to dick. and the fact that dick still looks up to clark as a hero, recognizes that clark isn’t always perfect and yet continues to hold him in such high esteem, and still looks back on advice that clark gave him fondly just warmed my heart so much.

for a man who has fearlessly stood up to darkseid, bruce will do a lot to avoid a conversation: “grrr. i’m the BATMAN. i’m so DARK and MYSTERIOUS. nobody knows the true me. no one ever will. i will be LONELY for the rest of my CURSED LIFE. such is the price of a hero. ignore my farmer himbo husband in the background”

but i don’t think there’s anything heroic about being a billionaire: another nod to how much dick follows clark’s example rather than bruce. yes, this was a very poignant and important criticism, and i think it’s wonderful that this was published in a pretty popular comic book. but the thing is, there is a way to be a heroic billionaire, but only in fictional universes. the way bruce, ollie, t’challa only ever use their wealth to help people. they donate massive amounts of money to charities that they themselves create so they know exactly how the money is being used. they hire people who aren’t likely to get jobs anywhere else and pay them much more than what a base living wage is. they use their power to help push progressive laws and social change. they are helping. 

dick doesn’t fully see it that way. he spent more than half his childhood the son of a billionaire, but still believes that one could be more heroic when one doesn’t have obscene amounts of wealth. whose example do you think he followed to come to that conclusion?

superman looked up to alfred pennyworth?: i mean yea alfred may have been a wildly irresponsible guardian and one hell of an enabler but goddamn if he didn’t love his kid.

you don’t need my input. you’ve thought it all through: ooooooh this line made me grin. for so long, dick’s treated clark as a mentor and a guiding figure. he’s still seen as a kid, an up and coming, snot-nosed titan with dreams of a better world. clark still thinks of him as a kid, despite watching him grow up. but this little line was something i think dick needed sorely to hear. he doesn’t need anyone’s guiding hand on his shoulder, he doesn’t need to ask for permission. he doesn’t need clark to support him the way he did when he was a teenager. he’s all grown up now, and he doesn’t need clark’s help. i imagine it was a bit of a surprise for dick to hear that. 

honestly, i couldn’t think of a better role model: ohhh but it doesn’t stop there. clark just straight up turns the tables on dick. imagine you’re dick, and you’ve looked up to this one hero your entire life, and then one day he turns to you and says that he thinks you’re so kind and smart and worthy of a person that he wants you to mentor his son!? goes to show just how much clark trusts dick.

i swear to god dick probably cries every time he hears clark compliment him because bruce is so rare and sparing with his praise that clark giving him the slightest hint of approval is just a dopamine rush.

also, now deathstroke and superman have both asked nightwing to mentor their kids. the juxtaposition is fuckin hysterical. imagine either of their reactions when they realize what kind of company they’re with

lets talk colours for a second, because i absolutely adore how classic colour tropes have been subverted in this comic, and in this general run really.

warm tones have usually (usually, not always) been associated with light and comfort and friendship and,,,,,well,,,warmth. whereas cool tones are usually used to unsettle, or make a scene seem colder and put the reader on edge. this varies if a comic only uses cool tones, or only uses warm tones, but if a comic uses both, this is generally well-used.

that isn’t the case in this run.

dark red, orange, and other warm tones have been used to symbolize danger, action, attacks. hot pink isn’t usually included in this colour group, but it’s definitely part of it in this case. in contrast, scenes that have cool colours give us the impression of slipping into a comfortable, calm scene with babs, tim, the titans, and other allies. even the beginning scene with superman has this blue, but then it transitions into something more golden coloured. dawn broke over dick, as his new idea came to light, and that was reflected in the art (and the sunrise setting.)

have there ever been times when dick’s longed for the comfort of his mask because he didn’t feel confident as dick grayson? i can’t think of any. i may be wrong, but this struck me as pretty ooc.

am i just??? gay and reading this all wrong??

cause i was under the impression that when someone says they are grateful for your friendship you don’t immediately kiss them. 

or is this like. normal straight mating rituals.

i mean he’s smiling afterward but still babs aren’t you supposed to at least make sure it’s okay first? you guys broke up a while back after you said something along the lines of “i want to be coworkers with you and nothing more because i don’t trust you or feel comfortable around you as a civilian anymore.” like lmao after you say something like that to someone i would assume that you don’t have the permission to just kiss them whenever you want.

show of hands who else got real sad when they realized dick was talking about himself in this.

sure, he could be referencing the things he’s seen blockbuster pull, and the children on the streets. but “i’ve seen money used for enforcement,” sounds a little too close to dick’s entire life being destroyed by one man threatening the circus to pay protection money for me to completely ignore. and “i’ve seen the poorest and most vulnerable blamed and punished rather than assisted” becomes a lot worse when you remember dick was thrown in juvie for a couple months until bruce was able to obtain legal guardianship, and in there, not a authority figure believed him when he told them his parents were murdered.

he’s lived this before.

a. mother. fucking. typo.

fucking why

i mean i’ve stated my distaste for the batfamily groupchat before but like. this is reaching new levels of ridiculousness. jason sounds like he was written by a fanfic writer. tim sounds like he was written by a fanfic writer. steph sounds like she was written by someone who doesn’t know the first thing about steph and wanted to include her for “family points!!!!!” damian’s supposed to be completely off the grid, and everyone’s searching for him. i do love the way cass texts tho.

well god fuck now i’m crying

dick got a phone call, a sorry, and a thank you out of bruce. i feel so much secondhand happiness for him, if that’s a thing. we’ll just ignore the way bruce looks ugly af and focus on the good parts okay?

and again with the colour symbolism here!

i’m either going to love this or hate this. who knows, we’ll see.

something something hearts something something pink is an evil colour something something. i need to know more about this guy but there’s definitely symbolism there. 

is it just me or does this dude look like the backstabbing traitorous absolutely motherfucking piece of shit villain that killed tadashi hamada in big hero 6?

~~

taggggg list: @woahjaybird @birdy-bat-writes @anothertimdrakestan  @subtleappreciation @screennamealreadyused @bikoncon @pricetagofficial @catxsnow @maplumebleue-blog-blog @sundownridge @thatsthewhump @xatanna-troy @red-hood-redemption​ @capricorn-stark​ @batshit-birds​ @comics-observer @buticaaba​ 

[elia-de-silentio]

Dominique and Vanitas do not exist

It's interesting given how little these two like each other, but Dominique and Vanitas have a fondamental thing in common: an extremely frail sense of self.

They even start it out in almost the same way: they lose an important relative who looked a lot like them (twin brother for Dominique, mother for Vanitas), and feel like they were at fault for that.

But this was the main devastating event in Domi's life, although not helped by her family's abuse; Vanitas enjoyed several more later, which generally had to do with other people dying for his sake, voluntarily or not.

Still, neither was in an environment that encouraged them to form their own identities: Dominique was held to 'expectations' that she appearently failed to meet (...she's a Royal Guard at twenty. Che minchia did they expect, that she became Captain at fourteen?), and was constantly scorned and mocked for that. Vanitas was stripped of his name, given a number instead, and used as a guinea pig with no regard for his consent.

They coped with this in pretty much the same way: putting on masks made of the identities of those tied to their traumas.

Dominique tried to become Louis, the twin she saw as more worthy of living. She cut her hair short and started using masculine clothing. She started acting cocky and confident like he had been, hiding her shy and feminine personality as well as her traumas. While she grew back her hair and returned to female clothing when not on the clock as a guard, the 'personality changes' stayed - unless she's around her family, in which case she's too terrified to act. Or ... to do anything at all.

If Dominique used a prepackaged custom, Vanitas made up one from bits and pieces of other identities.

He describes himself as a doctor, like his father was. He insists on keeping his hair long, something traditionally considered feminine, while he was told that he looked like his mother. He abandons his birth name a second time, to take the moniker of the Vampire of the Blue Moon as his own; just as he takes the Book of Vanitas, another item anyone can connect to that identity. He styles himself after Luna in other minor ways that others would not recognize: the baggy coat, the gloves with pointed tips that recall their long nails, the hourglass charm.

One has to wonder whom he borrowed his immediate personality from - you know, that cocky, confident, trollish attitude he exibited at the start of the manga, around people who didn't know him very well. Luna? No, her cheery attitude is more reminishing of a Jeanne in good spirits, chaotic and clumsy but not arrogant.

... don't tell me it was Moreau. Vanitas is not overdramatic like him, but there is something ... pride, out-of-place cheerfulness, a lack of regard for other people's consent ... this line of thinking makes my skin crawl, so I'll just drop it on you and run.

Going back to the point! Which is: this lack of identity is perceived only by them. To everyone else, they are well-defined people, that can be and are loved.

Let's just consider the important people they have in common: Noé and Jeanne.

To Noé, Dominique is his precious childhood friend, just like Louis was; she's the girl he played with when he was a child, the one who was by his side during the mourning for their other friens; she's the one he confides in because she's attentive and reliable, the one he does not exitate to comfort. She's not something that can only aspire to be a cheap Louis knock-off, she's her own person, and he loves her; maybe not in the way she would like, but love nonetheless.

To Noé, Vanitas is this mysterious person that ended up in his life, and is not quite sure what to think of because he keeps changing attitude. He first saw his arrogant and clownish mask, then he saw how he reacted to a failure, realized he put him on a pedestal, decided to get to know the actual person. Then he found out about his spiteful traits in the Catacombs Arc, stuck to his side despite all the arguments, and encouraged him when he faltered. Then in the Gevaudan Arc Noé was the one to falter, and Vanitas intervened to motivate him. Now, the last thing Noé has said Vanitas on-screen, is that he was glad that he is the way he is. Noé sees Vanitas as a complex, often contradictory person, but one that it's worth getting to know.

To Jeanne, Dominique is the first person in her age group who showed willingness to be her friend. She sees her as confident and strong, which is not quite exact, but the fact that she was the first one to encourage her stays.

To Jeanne, Vanitas is ... a mess, a person that started out horrible to her but later amended it by saving the people she cared for, and now she loves him and wants to know him better.

This is not to mention their other bonds: Dominique was loved by Louis himself, and she mentioned being popular amongst girls her age, some of whom will likely consider her a friend. Vanitas has a more or less working partnership with the dhampirs, some tentative confidence with Roland, and then there's Misha who for sure considers him an individual person, even if it is to hate him.

I think it's very interesting, and maybe not exactly a coincidence, that past and issues of them both are explored in-depth in the same arc. I'm curious to see: will they manage to overcome these issues and find some self-identity and self-worth, or there is a tragic ending for one or both of them?

Thanks to anyone who bothered to read my ramblings!

[vnckocurzyca]

New chapter new analysis

I’m publishing it one more time because it didnt show in tags for some reason???

I put it under “read more” so maybe now.

I finally read translation so I can finally write something about the new chapter. I know people’s strong feelings towards it and I think it’s totally understandable huh

I, personally, liked this chapter even if I think it was creepy as fuck. But I know Jun’s work and how she writes her stories and I know that she purposely made it really uncomfortable. I think this chapter was made to be upsetting because what happened during it was kinda important?

Warning; LONG POST (contains spoilers to new chapter)

First thing - Noe was forced to see some Vanitas’s memories. Of course by Misha eyes, but still it’s Vanis past. And as we know already, Vanitas REALLY didn’t want Noe to know about anything his past-related. He even threated him that he would kill you if Noe would someday try to drink his blood. So it’s opening for totally new conflict. We have two options

Vanitas would come to place and see Noe drinking Mishas blood and it would be horrible

Vanitas wouldn’t see it and Noe would live in sting of remorse and we know how emotional Noe is and it would be also horrible. And this option also has 2 options

Noe would finally tell Vani that he drank Mishas blood and it would be horrible

Misha would tell Vanitas that Noe drank his blood and it also would be horrible

When Noe started drinking Mishas blood he walked into a trap and there is no escape now. Vanitas is going to KNOW this and its going to be a problem, because knowing Vanis past, memories and emotions was a borderline in their relationship - Noe didn’t get a permission to step over it. And now he just... steped, because of Mishas blackmail.

Also the whole scene was made to be creepy - we can clearly see that Noe is distraught and scared and uncomfortable. We can hear his thoughts, we can see his terrified face

He is terrified for A LOT of reasons. A lot.

He is scared of Domis life. He don’t know what is going on with her and she is unconscious and she can literally DIE. Domi is his best friend, his childhood friend and nearly all family he has left. Domi is the closest person to him and he can’t just lose her like he lost Louis.

He DON’T WANT to read Vanitas’s past without his permission and knowledge. Its awful, it’s non consensual and non-con it’s something Noe hates, because, even if he would like to know Vani’s past (what he said back before Gevaudan arc) he don’t want to know it without Vanis consenst and he didn’t push. And now he is forced to see them, to betray Vani’s trust.He, probably, hates himself thanks to it.

He is blackmailed, bullied and intimidated which is bad on it’s own. He has absolutely NO CONTROL over a situation, he is absolutely subordinated and can’t do anything to change his situation. It’s scary.

He is forced to drink blood, which is a really intimate and delicate activity for him. He hates being forced to drink blood and forcing to drink blood, and, additionaly, Misha is a kid. Or, at least, he look like a kid (it’s hard to say his age for sure and how many years their past with Moreau happened). It’s gross, creepy and weird and Noe feels it. We can see him backing away from a fucking kid.

Jun did it purposely. Combine all of it, to made the horror moment for him, probably to break him in front o Misha.

The running thing in Vanitas no Carte is motif of Noe not having any control over anything in his life (even without his noticing). Noe never had a control over anything.

He didn’t have a control over his life during childhood, ie when he was sold on auction

He didn’t have any control over Louis’s death and curse. He couldn’t do anything to save him or to save other kids back then. He could do nothing.

He don’t have any control in general - he was trained by the Teacher to be his pupil. Noe don’t even know how big control Grandpa de Sade has over him and his doings.

He didn’t have any control when Domi found him at Orloks. She just kidnapped him to Altus.

He don’t have any control over his relationship with Jeanne - anytime he wants to talk to her or about her he is interuptted.

He didn’t want his blood be sucked by Ruthven and he didn’t want to Swear.

He don’t have any control now. He didn’t wanted to know Vanis past non consensualy, he didn’t wanted to drink Mishad blood, he don’t want to see Domi in this situation.

It’s a writing continuity. We are being told how little control Noe has over his (and others) life. It’s becaming a plot point. MochiJun knows what she is doing. She purposely made the whole chapter creepy and unsettling. She need us to know that what is happening right now is wrong - not only drinking blood from a 1/4 naked kid, but also the rest. Everything. That this chapter is traumatic - we literally touched Noes trauma, Domis trauma and Mishas trauma over a few pages and panels:

Dominique - we can see how she reacted to Louis death, how she wanted to make Noe feels better, why she changed her hairstyle and outfit, how she hated herself because it was her brother who died, not her. We can see it now - she is depressed, she hatees herself and would prefer to die over Louis. She was easy to catch for Misha.

Noe - we can see that he can do anything for Domi because she is his last friend, his family, last thing (person) he has. He can’t lose her, he is desperate and traumatized over Louis death so he can do anything, even suck Mishas blood and know Vanis past even if he hates it and its wrong for him.

Misha - we can see thanks to his flashbacks that it was hinted he was (if I undertand english correctly, sorry, it’s not my first language) se*//ually abused as a child. He thought his mother was possesed by devil, it was traumatizing on it’s own, but he was also dressed as a girl, physically abused and hit by his mother and used during her “sessions” with clients. Then he was kidnapped by Moreau who, probably, was experimenting on him just like on Vanitas - so Misha was abused again. And later Vanitas killed “father” what also traumatized him. His behaviour towards Noe it’s not really that suprising - its horrible and sad and heartbreaking knowing why Misha is that way, but its logical. It has sense. It’s just how his trauma made him.

Sooo do I think what happened in the chapter was good or okay? No. It was creepy and made me feel sick. But do I think Jun is bad for making it this way? No. I think her work is great, because she actually did planned it logically. She delivered TONS OF INFORMATIONS by only one chapter. Tons, about a lot of characters - Misha, Vanitas, Noe, Dominique, even Roland (he know Misha is one thing, but, also, why he was so beaten up? What happened my man? Who hurted you?) It wasn’t just gross pedo-fanservice some people accused it to be. (even if it was gross anyway och my gos this scene with Misha standing over Noe was frightening, I was just as scared as Noe, I felt like I was in his place and I was looking at Misha)

Also! I’m pretty sure one of the reason for Misha undressing his collar a little bit was for us (and maybe Noe too) to see his possesion mark on his arm. For some reason we, as an audience, need to know this.

But! We also get a lot of different informations -

Domi is a royal guard and is working in castle, so she probably knew Luca before and had contact with him or some other royal people. i think it’s interesting that she worked at castleas a royal guard.

Luca probably likes Domi and was worried about her. Also after knowing she is missing he decided to took direct actions, he is not passive.

Misha has Vanitas of the Blue Moon’s possesion mark on his hand. It’s really interesting, especially when we know that its his prosthetic arm. Somebody tried to cut his arm with a possesion mark and I bet it was Vanitas or Misha himself. Yet it DIDN’T work, mark of possesion is still here, above his prosthetic.

Noe “don’t know anything about Vanitas”. It was an important sentence. It was something that Noe need to know narratively speaking. It’s pushing the story forward, because Noe’s and Vani’s relationship is the core of the story. It was literally told in the first chapter that it’s a story about their journey.

Misha had a lot of bruises on his whole body after he was rescued. We knew he was beaten, but we could also see it’s evidence.

Mishas face when Noe drank his blood was similar to his mother face when a vampire drank his blood. It wasn’t accidental, we were shown his trauma and how it’s affected him.

Next thing I noticed:

In this panel, Misha looks A LOT like Vanitas. Og course he has child features and chubbier face, he has white(?) hair and eyelashes ets, but his mimic, his gaze, how one of his eyes is covered by hair and his words. Its literally how Vanitas’s panel would be draw. It’s really Vanitaish.

We also got some questions, like:

What happened to Misha and how he lost his hand?

What Luca ordered Jeanne? (probably to check out real Paris and maybe find Domi or Noe)

Why Mishas mark of possesions was so important for us to know?

Is that Roland met Misha in the past important?

Why was Roland so beaten up?

There was also one more thing. Jun is operating in her story not only by making parallels betweend her characters (ie Teacher and VotBM, or Astolfo nad Vanitas, or Louis and Domi etc) but also contrasts. The biggest contrast motif on the story are probably Vanitas and Noe thanks to not only their history, but also their appearance, personality, design of their clothes, their height, their names (Vanitas being related to death and vanity, Noe being related to saving and something biblical etc). Their whole characters are made constrast. And so we got here:

Vanitas and Misha are not made parallels, theyre made contrast.

Misha is looking from the upside, Vanitas is looking from the above, Mishas hair is white, Vanitas hair is black, Vani has a shadow over his face, misha is lighted. Misha has white eyelashes, Vani has black. Misha looks calm an suprised, Vani looks stressed. Their whole “atmosphere” is different. Even if Misha is bruised in this panel he looks clean, even angelic, when Vanitas looks... bad, he has dark circles under eyes, wrinkled eyebrows, bandage etc. They’re made to contrast themselves, not to be compared to. It’s the next hint about their role in the story I suppose. That they’re not similar, they’re not the same and there is something basically different about their roles.

I would also like to write about shadow and light work in this chapter, but I’m just really tired right now, soo here it is! My analyze od the new chapter, or, at least, the most important parts of it (for me). I liked it in general, but it was... stressed and I was anxious about this chapter for the one whole day. But in general I think Jun did gods work with delivering informations she wanted to delivere.

[claptraprights]

I had my fair share to say on this blogue about Moxxi and Timothy and their dynamic in Jackpot and how it affects the timeline and the stakes of TPS and how I feel about it. But I also wanted to say something positive because actually...one of my favourite things is that Moxxi is mad at him.

Now, they could have just not done that:

having her be happy to see Timothy right away would obviously have been a bad choice without any indication that she’s invested in what happened to Timothy in the first place and it would immediately have ruined any chance at character or relationship development.

But they could also have portrayed her as absolutely indifferent to Timothy and what he did and who he is. She could have just gone in and accepted that he’s back, shrug, move on. This would effectively be saying nothing about Moxxi and her inner workings and thoughts and feelings. It would have been a boring but safe choice.

Except having her actually resent him for who he is and what he does is actually interesting. Because we learn something about Moxxi and her values and ideas:

She resents Timothy at first for being a lackey and helping Jack. Obviously she knows what going against Jack would have meant. So being angry that Timothy didn’t go against Jack and risk his life to do it tells us something about how Moxxi feels about the choice between being controlled and imprisoned vs. rebelling and being punished/killed for it. 

And considering what we know about her backstory with he Hodunks, this makes sense for her character. In this context, it is a very powerful sentiment. Not to mention it challenges a trope for sexually promiscuous women: Usually, they are portrayed as dishonest, always out for their own advantage, and (falsely) submissive when it suits their purposes. We have two central characters in this story who subvert such expectations: Ember and Moxxi, who are both very proud, helpful, and loyal.

Again, I already said something in the past about the whole timeline-mess of Jack apparently sending Timothy out to have dinner with Moxxi to win her back but if we accept that this happened at some sensible point, then Moxxi’s anger is even more interesting:

Because she did go to dinner with him back then. And Moxxi knew it was Timothy she was dining with. It might seem inconsistent that she would have dinner with him one time and then resent him as a ‘spineless lackey’ the next. But is it? Because regardless of when that dinner happened, a lot of horrible things happened to Moxxi since that point of time. And many of them directly correlate with who Timothy was ‘spinelessly lackeying’ for. New Haven, Roland (according to her one of the few people in Sanctuary who treated her decently), the resentment against her for her own personal history etc.)

Yes, Moxxi was already pissed in TPS but assuming that she had a peaceful dinner with Timothy at some point, then her anger at him now is a consequence of what she went through during Borderlands 2 and her trauma from that. And considering Moxxi’s highly artificial persona, this is a very rare insight into the way she thinks and feels and ticks.

And likewise, having her interactions with Timothy actually improve once she starts seeing him for his own person at the end of the game actually shows this as well: Remember, the reason Moxxi wanted the Jackpot was ‘an open tab’. For her, getting the casino would close the book once and for all on her dealings with Jack and from the way she talks about him it’s clear that this is not about their past relationship but also the ‘scars’ Jack left. Getting the casino is about dealing with her trauma and while it’s not a central plot-point that is really explored, having her attitude towards Timothy change once the casino is under control at least implies that she made that progress she was hoping for.

[dangerouslcve]

Unforgiven - Taron Egerton

Pairing: Taron Egerton x reader

Warnings: None.

Summary: There is something so achingly familiar about Taron Egerton. He captures your attention from the moment you see him at Rada, your new acting school. He is the one bright spot in a place where people are constantly judged, the students and staff are rude, and security cameras watch your every move.  

Except Taron wants nothing to do with you- he goes out of his way to make that very clear. But you can't ignore nor shake the feeling that you know him. You were being drawn to like a moth to a flame. You need to find out what Taron is so desperate to hide, even if it shatters you...

Read previous chapters on Wattpad @ kayegerton

Disclaimer: I do not know what college is like.. Yet. But I did some intense googling. This story is for entertainment purposes only, it is considered an AU. With that being said, hope you enjoy the story.

Chapter Four - Brief Touch

    Walking down the long hallway with your duffel bag strap resting on your shoulder, you make your way to your room counting the money in your hand under your breath before shoving it into your back pocket. You were surprised to see so many closed doors as you passed, at your old college so many kids always had doors open for anyone to come in and join the party they were throwing. You, Allie, and Richard had only ever been to a couple of those parties and they consisted of loud music and lip locked couples so eventually you three just left and went back to Richards room and hung out with each other. But here at Rada most of the students stayed to themselves or just socialized behind closed doors. Speaking of these closed doors, they were truly a sight to be seen. Kids at Rada were ingenious when it came to decorating their personal spaces. You had already walked by a door with louis vuitton and armani tags on it to show off their money, and another with a sign that encouraged you to 'move the fuck on' when you passed it on the way to your room.

  You came to a stop at a blank wooden door, some doors were not decorated meaning the kids who lived nearby are at home at the moment with their family, which made you insanely jealous. Room 123B the door read. Home bitter home. You take the key out of your pocket sighing before unlocking the door and opening the door to your home for the next couple of months.

It wasn't that terrible, the peach colored walls greeted you along with a wooden twin size bed that sat on the side of the room against the wall, across from the bed was a black desk and a leather chair to do work and practice lines. The saddest looking thing in the moonlight lit room was her reflection, your frizzy hair and pale face. You looked like you had just gotten out of the hospital for your accident again. If you thought hard enough you could still hear the beeping machine that monitored your heart making sure you would never flat line during your time in the hospital. Your eyes were flecked with stress, you were shivering. Alone. Truly alone. Your afternoon classes and theater had been no better than your morning classes due to your biggest fear you had since the time in the cafeteria, everyone was calling you the immature name of meatloaf. The nicknamed seemed like it was going to stick.

You needed to unpack, to make this plain generic dorm into your own little home. A place where you can come to escape from the outside world to feel okay but you only got as far as to unzipping the black duffel bag before you collapsed onto the bed in defeat. You felt so far away from home and from your friends, it was a seven hour drive from London to Glasgow so going home was not an option for you but even if you did want to go home you couldn't because your parents would be disappointed in you. Again. But it might as well be twenty two years the way you felt right now.

For the first half of the drive you were being lectured for being upset about leaving your friends by your father dean, on the other hand your mother Sophia had remained silent looking out the window as you left Scotland. The winter months were approaching rapidly- September was always a time that flew by but December was always a time you dreaded most because you always got this gut feeling on Christmas that something horrible was going to happen but you could never explain it and if you did explain it your parents would become angry and change the subject. You yourself were 99% sure you were insane at some point but kept it to yourself because they already thought you were an odd child for not getting most of your memory back. You sigh, even though it wasn't your fault. You did miss your parents but you weren't close to them how they say you used to be. You missed your bedroom which had the perfect view of neatly manicured backyard. You missed Richard and Allie who had most likely sent you twenty never to be seen messages already. You missed all the memories you made in your childhood and late years of being a teen. Well, you didn't really miss because you couldn't remember its the feeling of never going to fully understand what your childhood was like, if you ever met someone who took your breath away when you were in your teens...If you have even ever been kissed. Ever been in love?

You roll over burying your face in the pillow. You had spent months after leaving the hospital mourning the loss of your memories. Your parents tried everything in their power to trigger memories but only some returned the rest laid deeply buried in your mind never to be remembered and now... lying in the room of your new college with the semi soft mattress beneath you, you felt the selfish futility of it all come crashing into you. You don't know your parents any more than you know well...Allie and Richard.

A knock on your door made you sit up a little to quickly causing your head to spin. You hold your head looking at the blank closed door with a raised eyebrow, the only person who could possibly know your room number is a teacher or Emily, what would they even be bothering doing here?  You tip toe to the door and pull it open peaking outside to see who knocked but there was no sign that anyone was here. On the wall beside your door on the board was a paper tacked into the wooden board that had a single arrow pointing up.

Azalea had invited you to hang out tonight but that was before the fight in the cafeteria with Charlotte. Looking at the stairs you pondered whether to follow the cryptic arrow to the second floor. You glanced back at the duffel bag laying on the bed unzipped and open ready to be unpacked, you shrug pulling the door to your room shut, stuffing the key in your pocket and make your way to and up the stairs.

You stopped in front of a door- after following the arrows- that had an Queen poster covering the upper half of the door and under it was a dodgers stadium picture that was signed by the legend himself Elton John, whoever was behind this door was very lucky. Looking at the corkboard you realized you were standing in front of Roland Shaw's room, almost immediately and annoyingly you starting thinking of the odds that Roland was with Taron at this exact moment, only a small door separated the two of them from you. A mechanical zooming in noise above Roland's door made you jump, looking up you see a security camera zooming in on you making your shrink away embarrassed and slightly scared for reasons the camera would never know. You had came to see Azalea and ended up at Roland's door thinking about Taron again and it just so happened to be that Azalea was right across the hall from Roland. You felt a stab of nostalgia when you looked at her door, so many stickers and posters about things in America, you could tell she missed home more than ever which made you miss everything about Scotland. You could have stood there for hours reading everything on her door but you felt odd standing in front of a room you were only half certain you were invited to until you saw the note on the board beside her door you pull it down from the board and open it to see what it had to say.

My darling Y/n,

If you actually showed up tonight, props! we will get along great.

If you did in fact bail on me, then get your hands off my private note ROLAND! God. How many times do I have to tell you?

Anyways, I knowww I said swing by tonight but I had to dash to biology earlier after getting assigned probation to catch up on some things. Which is to say, Rain check :) !

Your crackhead, A.

You stood with the note in your hand unsure what to do next. You were glad she was okay since the events after the cafeteria but you would have loved to see the girl in person to hear the nonchalance in her voice to truly know she was okay after the somewhat snappy note you had just read. A sudden panic filled you when you realized you were out of your room past dark.

A door suddenly creaked open and light flooded the hallway, you heard music coming from inside the room.

"What are you doing?" Roland asks leaning up against his door frame in a white shirt and ripped jeans as he holds a paper in his hands raising an eyebrow at you.

"I came to see Azalea." you say looking at him trying your best not to look past him to see if anyone else was with him. Anyone as in, Taron. "We were supposed to-"

"No ones home." he deadpans, you didn't know if he meant Azalea or the rest of the kids on this floor. He played with the paper in his hands keeping his eyes on you the whole time. Then he held the door open a little wider with a raised eyebrow, you couldn't tell whether or not he was inviting you inside or letting you know no one else was with him.

"Well, I was just off to swing to the library there is a book I need for my morning class with Bliss." you lie quickly turning back the way you came wanting to escape his intense gaze.

"Y/n," Roland calls out to you.

You turn around. You hadn't even officially met him yet which means someone told him your name, he flashes you a smile for the first time since you came here using the paper in his hand pointing the other direction. "Library is that way." he says before crossing his arms over his chest a mischievous grin spreading across his face. "Be sure to check out the special collection area, they are really neat. You will recognize one of them."

"Thanks." you say feeling grateful as you change your course heading the opposite direction of where you came from. He seemed so normal when he waved smiling from ear at ear as you left. Maybe he only made you nervous earlier because you thought of him as Taron's friend. For all you knew, Roland could be a really nice person. Things were looking up, the non awkward encounter with Roland and you did want to check out the library to see if it was any different from the library at the conservatoire.

You push the doors open to the library stepping inside, a warm feeling came over you when you enter the library, you had always love the smell of libraries but this smelled like home. A fall scented candle filled the low lit library, the soft sounds of the turning pages of books as other students sat at round tables reading or having hushed conversations. The walls were a deep mahogany, the ceiling high with wooden beams spaced neatly. A few students were at the computers studying none that you knew by name, but even the rich kids looked less like bitches with their heads buried in books. A librarian sat behind her desk flipping through papers, her glasses sitting on the bridge of her nose as he lips turned up into a faint smile. She was old but the only youthful thing on her was her red hair tied up in a high bun on top of her head. Her head immediately popped up as you neared the desk.

"Hello!" She greets excitedly, smiling at you. An actual real smile. A closer look at her features and you see she looked both old and young and her hair had silver streaks in it, her nose slightly pointed as her big brown eyes shined in the light. She was absolutely stunning, dressed in the most elegant long sleeve dress as she stands her pale frail hands pushing the sleeves on her dress up exposing a golden bracelet. "What can I help you with?" she questions and you felt instantly at ease with the woman. You glance at the name tag on your desk, Mary Ellison. You did wish you had a specific request for the kind lady in front of you. She had been the first authoritative figure in this school that you would have seeked out for help but here you were wondering around... until she remembered what Roland had said.

"I'm new here," you begin to explain "Y/n L/n. Could you please tell me where the east wing is?"

The woman gave you a warm smile, the type of smile from a stranger that reminded you of home.

"Right that way," she said pointing toward a great bay window on the other side of the room. "I am Miss Mary, and if my schedule is correct..." she trails of flipping through pages in a very large book. "I have you in my theater classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Oh, we are going to have some fun!" she winks looking up at you. "In the meantime if you need anything. I'm here, I work as the schools librarian and theater arts teacher," she explains and you nod. That makes much more sense. "It's a pleasure to meet you Y/n."

You smiled and thanked her and told her quietly you would see her in class tomorrow before you make your way to the bay window on the other side of the room. You had just passed the main study and was passing through the tall elegant book stacks when you feel a stabbing pain in your head and your stomach sinks, you feel like your nearing something. Like a memory floating around in your head. You were nearing the past. That's when you feel flushed, it was warm in the library but not that warm. Your eyes land on him. On Taron. He was facing the window, his back was to you as he leaned over a podium that said SPECIAL COLLECTIONS in big gold letters. The sleeves on his leather jack were pushed up around his elbow, his golden brown hair glowed under the soft lights, and his shoulders were hunched over and yet again you had the instinct to fold yourself into his arms. You shook your head rolling your eyes becoming aggravated as she stood on her tip toes getting a closer look. His hand tightened on the podium as he drew. She couldn't go to him and ask what he was drawing like a normal person, your only communication with him was a couple of dirty looks and being flipped off. Yet for some strange reason you had to know what he was drawing in the sketchpad.

Then it hit you, the dream you had the night before. The briefest flash of it came back to you all of a sudden. In the dream, it had been late at night - cold, snowing, and you had been in a house full of people dressed in something short but it kept you warm. In the dream you had been looking for a boy, you never got to see his face only his back as he sat by a counter laughing as he talked with a taller guy with curly hair. You watched him talking with the man and before the dream ended he turned around.

You jerked forward feeling a pinch but see nothing, but you realize you are standing next to Taron. The pounding of your heart grows so loud that it fills your ears when you look around frantically to find what had just pinched you. Taron glanced up from his work and seemed to raise his eyes to where exactly the moon sat in the sky before his gaze settled calmly outside the window. You were close enough to him now that you were most certain he felt your presence near because his grip tightened on the podium.

"What are you doing over here?" he asked closing his sketchbook and was looking at her solemnly. His full lips were set in a full line and his hazel eyes looked dull. He didn't look angry for a change he looked exhausted.

"I came to check out a book from special collections," you say your voice wobbling but as soon as you looked around you regretted what you just said. There was no books in sight, it was full of Greek looking art and some random arts from students from over the years. You and Taron were standing in an art gallery, which is why he came to this place to draw.

"Good luck with that." Taron said turning away from you opening his sketchpad again as if to say goodbye. You were tongue tied and embarrassed to have trusted Roland - a stranger - to not lead you to the wrong area. It was as if everyone was trying to push you to him, like they all knew something you didn't. There was something about Taron that made her feel safe and protected from the world, you felt better around him than you have with anyone else in your life. You were stuck, rooted to the spot where you stand. Taron glanced up at you and sighed

"Let me ask you something," his voice had an edge to it "Do you like being snuck up on?"

You thought back to the time when Richard snuck up on in your dorm. You shake your head roughly.

"Okay, that makes two of us." he cleared his throat and stared at you, driving home the point that you were an intruder. Maybe you could make up an excuse that you were lightheaded and needed to sit down.

"Look can I-"

But Taron closed his sketchpad with a loud snap and got to his feet. "I came her to get away." he says cutting you off sending you a glare. "If you are not going to leave I will." he shoves his sketchpad into his bag. When he pushed past you, his shoulders brushed your. Even as brief as the touch was, even through the layers of clothing you felt a shock of static. For a long second Taron stood still as well, you both turned your heads to look at each other, you opened your mouth but before you could speak Taron had turned on his heel walking quickly towards the door. You watch him leave as you rest your hand on your shoulder before you rest your gaze out the window letting out a breath you didn't even know you were holding.

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