#STEP BY STEP LONG JOURNEY TO ACCEPTANCE AND FORGIVENESS PART 07 | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ptts2023 · 2 months ago

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TM GAME TOURNAMENT MAGAZINE ANNOUNCEMENT 11 PART 04

Written By: Neng Hong Lam Date Written: April 25, 2025

Emergency

Recaps of the 5 High Priority In My Life

In the prelude section, "Recaps of the 5 High Priority In My Life" before the Introduction, I wrote about the Emergency of my situation. The following is what I wrote:

Please leave me feedbacks. I started posting up PTTS post at tumblr.com (first account link, tratct.tumblr.com) starting on December 2016. From December 2016 until now, April 2025 I haven't receive any feedback on the PTTS posts that I posted up at tumblr.com. This is my second account (second account link, versussystem2.tumblr.com).

I need donations to replace my broken cell-phones.

I need a cell-phone to verifies my gmail account. And, youtube account.

I need donations to repair or replace my camcorder that is not working.

My foods supplies could only last for months of time. So, I need donations. Or, if my account(s) are verified, then I could use my account(s) to do fundraising to make some money to buy some foods.

It is very serious matter. So, I used the word, "Emergency". To clear the very confusing and be discrete about my situation, I want to point that my situation is not a game. It is not a joke.

I need help. If you don't know my meaning of "I need help". Then, see that "I need help" mean please help me with #1-5.

I have already went through many of the problems and arguments in my life in Introduction Part 01-09 and Chapter 01. So, if you still confused about my situation, then please read it again if you have to.

Even though, I know that if I don't get help soon on #1-5, then #1-5 will kill me. But, I'm not going to torment myself with the tormenting thoughts until I kill myself. Example: I have no feedback on my PTTS posts. I have no incomes on posting up my PTTS posts. I'm very confused about posting my PTTS posts. It is like I'm being forced to be starve to death.

Like I wrote in Introduction Part 01-09 and Chapter 01, I'm giving myself a break that I didn't gave up on myself. And, I continue to struggle until I die trying to get some help.

Important Note 01 (Giving Myself A Break)

Like I wrote above, I'm giving myself a break. I'm going to see this break as "My Last Words". Or, "I Says Too Much But Not Enough".

The following is the break I'm giving myself:

[Begin]

There was a time where I though I could find happiness. Because of those happiness thoughts, I thought of family. So, this healing process is to the family that I thought it was possible for me.

As for the world, how I got sunk so low would argued as I'm at the world mercy. So, if the world have mercy on me, then the world would ignore me. If the world doesn't ignore me, then where ever I go the world will be hunting me and finding ways to criticize me. So, my First Place Championship and achievements would be out of the question.

Along the way of writing it. After I completed it. If nothing changes. How it happen are facts and evidences.

If you are like the world hunting me and finding ways to criticize me, then no matter what you read about me. You will look for ways to hunt me and criticize me.

Putting the voices in my head to the side. It is sad for me to point out at the end how much happiness could an isolated and lonely person found?

[End]

[Meditation Argument Begin]

I was in Mesa College Yoga class for a few weeks. I have watched Mesa College Yoga class before. And, I have watched Yoga fitness training video before.

The harmony, tranquility, and serenity atmosphere/setting in the Yoga class would help out the healing process. Including calmness and not under a lot of pressures.

So, I would argues that very stress out. Under a lot of pressures. And, begging for help. Could get on the way of the healing process.

[Meditation Argument End]

1984 My Birth Place

How To Appreciate Something That Is Very Hard To Appreciate

In "Leadership Controversy" and "Bad Luck With Grilfriends Redemption", I briefly summarized my birth place. The people who I live with at my birth place. In this section, "My Birth Place", I'm going into more details about my birth place.

I would argues that the healing process interpretation vary from each person's point of views. As for me, I want the healing process to make my very confusing situation lesser confusing. So, for now I'm going with my healing process interpretation by making the very confusing lesser confusing. Anyway, it seem like self-explanatory. Because I have been complaining about my situation is very confusing. Because it is self-explanatory, this mean readers are expecting me to want to make the very confusing lesser confusing. I'll put it at: self-explanatory and expected.

What happen if I come upon an event in my life that is very confusing? Do I avoid that event, so that event doesn't create more confusions in my life?

My answer is writing about how I remembered on how it happen is the goal. This goal would able me to be on track. Because there are a lot of game activities in my life such as video games, TM Games, sports, and so on. So, I vibe the following arguments: Are you playing game by conspiring conspiracies? And/or, come clean if you want to have lesser confusions. At the same time, since it is a healing process. So, I want the healing process to have priority in what I wrote.

In "Daily Tormenting Argument (Introduction Part 07)", I wrote the following:

[Quote 01 Begin]

"The early years and inferior background days. Life is tough. The inferior background would be hard for me to point out the following: Life is a very tough struggle. I have wishful thoughts that life don't have to be such a tough struggle. But, if I don't push myself. And, step up. Then, life would be even a tougher struggle. So, there are times to get through those very tough struggles. I would tells myself count my blessing. I'm better than the people in the orphanage, asylum, and jail.

There is no easy way to talk about I'm being tormented daily. And, during my childhood years, because of my inferior background, so I'm discouraged and oppressed to talk about the problems in my life."

[Quote 01 End]

Quote 02: "I want this healing process to focus on the following: 1. I'm dealing with the daily tormenting argument in my life daily. 2. The things I was too discouraged to talk about during my childhood years, because of my inferior background. 3. The argument is how I felt about my father is how people felt about me."

From those 2 quotes, I'm discouraged to write about my history. Or, no one would read about what I wrote, because of the inferior background and oppression.

That is what is been bothering when I just started brainstorming on writing this healing process. After going through the problems in my life and arguments against me in Introduction Part 01-09 and Chapter 01, I sees that writing about my history is giving myself reasons for acceptance and forgiveness. Also, I don't have to torment myself with tormenting thoughts. It is the same meaning as healing process.

I'm going to begin.

I was born in May 03, 1984. In the country of Vietnam. My mother, Sok Nighim Hoi. And, my father, Chung Wun Lam. Told me that I was born inside my house. Not the hospital.

My House Address: Written in my father's autobiography book: "Lo, A3, 106, 979A Sand Be Vietnam." The location (country-side) is called "Sand Be".

Just months old, my parents told me that I was the most beautiful baby the country-side have ever seen. My parents' relatives, friends, and neighbors would asked my parents for me to sleep over at their houses. Or, they asked my parents for my parents' permission to be my nanny or godparents.

It is a celebration for my country-side for having the most beautiful and beloved baby in my country-side.

When I'm around 5-6 years and able to understand about comprehension and meaning. There are days, I sees the ruins of the country-side. Example: The fishing pond me, my brothers, friends, and neighbors go fishing. It actually a landmine that exploded or an airstrike bomb that was dropped at that spot.

The army have cleared away all the landmines. The Red Cross foundation have double checked that area to make sure it is safe for children.

Yet, for some reasons it doesn't seem normal for me to sees that the people in my country-side to use the empty bombshell as materials to create things or scraps of metal for metalworks.

The people in the country-side doesn't see it as an empty bombshell. Those people see it as scraps of metal for metalworks.

I would told myself one day when I'm old enough to be elected as an official. Then, try to make some senses to the thoughts I have.

From those early years observation of my country-side, how could a poor and not well developed country-side have such a beautiful and beloved baby?

Another third world country with children die from famine and poverty each years. What is there to know? But, I grew up there from the moment I was born to when I'm 8 years old.

No matter how inferior/unimportant it is to the world. How much a greedy person would want to argue that a major disaster happen to my country-side is an act of mercy to kill all those people in my country-side. So, those people don't have to live a miserable life, because of the famine and poverty.

But, my country-side is where I grew up. And, I have to adapt and learn how to live there. To appreciate something that is very hard to appreciate.

On contrary, the people in my country-side make prayers in the altars and temples to not have a major disaster in my country-side.

Bread Days

The bread bakers wake up very early in the morning. Probably 4:00-5:00 AM. And, go to the bread store (I sometime called bread factory) and start baking breads. The bicycle bread sellers would be at the bread store at probably around 6:00-7:00 AM to have a basket of breads. Then, sell that basket of breads in the streets and sidewalks.

My house is about a mile away from the bread store. Yet, I could smell the basket of breads from the bicycle bread sellers.

Once in awhile, my mother would buy 1-3 breads from the bicycle bread seller. Buying 3 breads days are very rare. Then, my mother would told me, my 2 brothers, and 2 sisters to share those 1-3 breads. 1 bread is about 12 inches long. Most of time I get about 1/3 of a bread (4 inches). Rare days, I got half of a bread (6 inches).

Buying bread days is my mother rewarding us or giving us a treat. So, there are times, we would celebrated by cheering about it. There are times as part of the celebration me and my siblings would argues about the most delicious ways to eat those breads.

There were a few times, I managed to save my piece of bread for later in the day. It is very shocking when I take it out in the middle of the day. I get shocking expressions from my siblings, "No way. You still have your bread."

The 2 common ways to eat the bread are the following: 1. Eat the inside of the bread first. The soft and warm part. Then, eat the outside of the bread. The crushes and crispy part. 2. Just eat the bread.

The most favored way is to spread some condensed milk on it. But, having condensed milk would be a bigger reward than bread from our mother.

So, a lot of times, me and my siblings would sprinkle some black-peppers on our breads. Then, add a little bit of soy-sauce over it.

All those listed ways to eat our breads above consider as tasteful ways to eat our breads. Nevertheless, me and my siblings look forward to bread days.

American Red Cross Foundation Providing Donations To My Country-Side

Even though, the argument is I'm the most beautiful and beloved baby in my country-side. But, I would defends myself with the following: I was around 5-6 years old. How much power could I have?

I would argues my priority is to know my limitation and capability as a 5-6 years old most beautiful and beloved baby.

A lot of people greeted my father as "Hong Kong" from the city of Hong Kong. From acknowledging my limitation and capability, I could only know that my father went to the city of Hong Kong for important things. Or, on a business trip for important business meetings.

What if the argument is my father live in Hong Kong, and he is doing a good deed by being in the country-side to live with me, my mother, and my siblings?

To avoid the confusion, I would keep it at: How could I know why my father went to Hong Kong if I was not with him?

I can't figure out the pattern on my father going to Hong Kong trips. So, I'm going to keep it at: He goes to Hong Kong 1-3 times each years.

Each time he return from Hong Kong, he would bring multiple packages with him. The packages have things from Hong Kong. Some of those things that you can't buy it in Vietnam. Example: The high-tech transformer action figure called Super Valkyrie. Even in the most high-tech toy stores in the capital city of Vietnam, Ho Chi Minh you can't find a toy anywhere as high-tech as Super Valkyrie.

Anyway, those packages is not about the breakthrough technology or super high-tech. It is essential supplies for our family to live our daily life. Because I don't know why he went to Hong Kong, so whatever he bring back with him from Hong Kong to Vietnam, our family would appreciate those packages.

Since essential supplies is the high priority to continue to live our daily life. So, I keep it at: essential supplies.

Once in awhile, I would overheard my parents talking about relatives from different countries in the world would send our family packages. I remember asking my mother, "Who send us this tennis ball?" My mother replied. "Your grandmother from France told your aunt from France to add in a tennis ball into the package."

"What is tennis ball? It is like table tennis (Ping-Pong)?" I remember thinking out loud that question in front of the family. Because there is a Ping-Pong (table tennis) stadium only a few houses from our house.

"So, you want it or not? I could send it back to your grandmother." My mother would answered my question.

"No way. This tennis ball is so awesome. I can't wait to play with it." I would replied. Then, I would ran out of the house with that tennis ball.

Based on what my mother told me about that tennis ball, packages send by relatives could be true.

Even though, I know there are foundations all over the world that provide donations to help places that need help. And/Or, provide donations to Third World Countries suffering from famine and poverty. But, the American Red Cross stand out the most. I think because the Red Cross is an universal symbol that mean help and hospitality.

There are not a lot of evidences to indicate my family receiving donations from the American Red Cross. But, I would argues when my parents just arrived in the country-side of Vietnam on 1978 and trying to settle down. My parents would look for any donations possible to help them able to settle down. This mean they could have received donations from the American Red Cross foundation.

In addition, the American Red Cross donations are essential supplies. Example of essential supplies: Clothes, blankets, first aid kit including medicines, storable foods, kerosene oil for oil lamps and other equipment, and so on.

Like I wrote above, I'm 5-6 years old, because I don't have a lot of power, so I'm struggling to know what is going on as much as I can.

If American Red Cross is providing donations to my country-side. Also, because my family need essential supplies for our daily life. Then, my family would have received those donations.

What if I made a mistake, because I was only around 5-6 years old? It wasn't the American Red Cross foundation, but it is the Vietnam government providing donations to help out the refugees who needed essential supplies? How could I tells the different between American Red Cross and Vietnam government, because I was only 5-6 years old?

From my observation, the essential supplies are from the following:

Packages my father brought back from Hong Kong.

Packages send by relatives from another country.

Donations from American Red Cross foundation.

My family would purchase at the market place (AKA swap meet). And/or, make trades with the neighbors.

Taking Bus To the City

Like I wrote above, it is true that my parents told me that when I'm only months old, my country-side already claimed that I'm the most beautiful and beloved baby in my country-side.

It is true my father told me among all his children including the children he adopted. I have always been his favorited child.

Each time my father return from his Hong Kong trip, I would ran over to him and gave him a big hug. He would hug me back. Then, to break ice, he would trick me in a game of Rock-Paper-Scissor. Me and him would laugh at his trick. Example: He show me he going to cheat by telling me he is going for rock. Then, he would switch to Scissor at the very last second. Me and him would laugh.

Then, inside the house, he would be seated at his chair and embraced me by having me seated on his thigh. Then, he would shake his legs to make me feel like I'm sitting on a rocking chair. Those very warm welcoming greetings from my father is filled with laughter.

Even though, I'm the most beautiful and beloved baby in my country-side and my father favorited among his children. But, I don't why I can't shake away my following early childhood fearful thoughts: I'm denying about I'm a handicap/disability child. I'm denying about I'm a retarded child. I'm denying about I'm a special need child who can't fit in with other children.

Even though, it is just fearful thoughts. Also, because I'm the most beautiful and beloved baby, so my family and my country-side love me a lot. This mean they won't abandon me by put me in an orphanage. Or, mental hospital.

But, I still felt afraid about those fearful thoughts. Because of being afraid of those fearful thoughts, there are times I have nightmares while I'm asleep. Those nightmares are accidents killed my parents. And, I'm alone and being haunted by my fearful thoughts. I would wake up at the middle of the night and started crying. My parents would ask me if I wanted to sleep with them. So, I would sleep with them.

Even sleeping with my parents in the same bed, there are still a few times I have nightmares while I'm asleep.

In addition, because of those fearful thoughts. I'm afraid to go to dark place or walk alone during the nighttime. Example: Our restroom is hundreds of yards away from our house at our backyard. At nighttime, when I wanted to use the restroom, I would asked a sibling to go with me.

There are very limited of electricity and only very few lamp poles. So, it is very dark at the nighttime. You have to use flashlight or oil lamp to see where you are walking.

Anyway, because of those fearful thoughts. I felt the need to be around my parents. That is why I'm denying about I'm a special need child who can't fit in with other children. So, each time my parents take the bus to the capital city, Ho Chi Minh to pick up their packages. I would be upset about my parents is not around. I would be more upset if my parents didn't tell me ahead of time they are taking the bus to Ho Chi Minh.

One time, I found out my parents didn't wanted to upset me, so sneak away early in the morning to take the bus to the city. I started crying, shouting, and banging my front door.

It took me about 20-30 minutes to calm down and stop crying. Anyway, the crying and shouting woke my whole family. So, I would argues that my siblings think I have parent attachment problems.

I'm sleeping with my parents on my parents' bed, I still have nightmares. So, the thoughts of them sneaking away from me is very upsetting to me. That is why I was crying and shouting.

It is hard for me to picture the most beautiful and beloved baby in my country-side crying and shouting like that. So, I'm trying to find ways to reason with myself why I would cry and shout like that.

When my parents return back to the country-side, I would told them that I have forgive them. They would told me next time, they will bring me along with them.

The next time they went to the city they took me with them. I was very happy and glad about it. And, try to forget about that day I was crying and shouting, because they sneaked away to the city.

The whole time I try to be on my best behavior, so the next time they would bring me with them again.

On the way from our house to the bus station, they stopped at the bread store. While at the bread store, they told me that those bread bakers have to wake up very early in the morning to bake breads. If you watch closely to those bakers you could pick up a few bread baking techniques. It sound strange asking my parents why does the bakers have to use their feet to step on those bread doughs? So, I asked them the following question instead: "It is the techniques or the recipe that make those breads tasted so good?"

"Do you still think those bread tasted so good if you know those bakers have stepped on them?" My father answered.

"I still think those French bread tasted very delicious knowing those bakers have stepped on them or not." I mumbled and look around at the many trays of freshly baked French breads.

My parents decided to treated me to a big reward, because it is the first time they are taking me to the city with them. So, they decided to buy me a house special meat bun in the bread store. Buying me a bread is already a reward, so the meat bun is a big reward.

My eye wide-open and I have to stop myself from drooling about that meat bun. I would embraced that meat bun close to my body.

My mother would tease me about she never seen me this happy before. Also, she would continue with I have not stop smiling the whole trip so far. So far in our trip, I didn't thought of that day I was so upset at my parents that I was crying and shouting at them. Also, I act as though that day never happen. My parents really like me.

Even though, I'm drooling and wanting to eat that meat bun so badly. But, I'm holding it close to my body to show that my parents really like me that is why they bought me this meat bun.

Because it is the first time my parents took me with them. This mean it is the first time I'm riding a bus. So, I'm very excited about riding the bus with my parents.

Inside the bus and while the bus is traveling to the city, I would be busy looking outside of the bus's window.

Half way, a teenager girl got on the bus. The bus is filled with all the seats taken and many people standing. So, she asked me and my parents if she could sit next to me. Me and my parents said okay.

The whole time she probably have friendly greeting and very few friendly chat. Then, she got to her stop. As she getting off the bus, she handed me a bag of cookies. My parents gave me a nod to accept that bag of cookies.

"Is she a guardian angel? Why is she so nice to me?" I asked my parents. "Maybe she like you." My mother would tease me.

"Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness Part 08" continue in TM Game Tournament Magazine Announcement 11 Part 05.

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avengersassemble-fics · 4 years ago

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Ashes

part 07/?? “a trap is set”

previous part // next part

masterlist

word count 2.1k

Alderaan was just like the stories you had heard over the years. Though it was no Coruscant, it definitely held a sense of sophistication and peace. From the minute the Mantis set itself on the ground though, you were uncomfortably aware of the security force presence that appeared. As the ramp was lowered and you joined Cal’s side, you recognized the man who approached with the security detail.

Even all these years later, you would recognize Bail Organa anywhere.

There were deepened wrinkles around his eyes, patches of white hair grazing the sides of his face, but one thing hadn’t changed: the warming smile he gave the Jedi next to you. You remembered seeing the same smile when you passed him in the Senate building long ago. Cal and you stepped down the ramp nearly in sync, as Bail Organa met you at the bottom. “Thank you for accepting our invitation. I hope you travelled well.”

“We wouldn’t miss the chance of learning more about the Alliance,” Cal replied and glanced your way. “And thanks to some unmarked hyperspace routes we’ve slipped through any Empire detection.”

“That’s good to hear,” Bail said. His eyes glanced your way when Cal spoke of the hyperspace routes, but you stayed stoic. The less people knew of your existence the better. He glanced up at the entry of the ship, where the others were coming out. “I’m sure you’re all needing a chance to relax, I’m more than happy to show you the way.”

“That would be great-”

“Father, how much longer do I have to wait before we can go to Cloudshape Falls? Oh-”

A little girl with braided hair had run up from behind Bail and clutched at his cape when her eyes fell upon the weapon on Cal’s side. In her eyes they held bewilderment and awe, but something hit you hard in the stomach as her eyes soon shifted to the strangers before her. The way her eyebrows furrowed just slightly, the slightly unruly baby hairs… This was the other twin. This was Anakin and Padme’s daughter.

“Please forgive my daughter, she’s never seen a Jedi before,” Bail explained as he rested a hand behind her back. “Leia I told you we’d have to go another day.”

Her frown deepened and she huffed at him, and you closed your eyes shut behind your helmet. It reminded you of Anakin when you were children. “But we always go on Primeday.”

“Please don’t let us stop you from going,” Cal cut in. You watched as Leia’s frown turned into a grin and her father wiggled his eyebrows at her.

“I like him,” she told her father, and earned a snicker from him.

“I bet you do,” Bail told her and moved behind her to place both hands on her shoulders. “While you rest I guess I have other duties to see to.”

“Of course,” Cal agreed and looked back at the others and motioned for them to follow. As you stepped off the ramp and Bail Organa turned to lead the way, a familiar sensation filled your chest. It was enough to make you pause, to glance around you in search of the source of the warmth in your chest, which made Cal stop to check on you. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” your modulated voice said lowly. “I’m going to stay behind for a moment.”

Cal nodded in understanding, but hesitated before catching up with the rest. Your eyes focused on the group slowly disappear into the crowds, and you inhaled deeply. You wondered if it was possible..?

“Never thought I would see the day where we met again,” a voice said close by. You fought all urges to smile, but couldn’t help it when you came face to face with the source.

He was not the man you remembered from five years ago. Adjourned in the same uniform of the other security forces, he held his helmet on his hip as he came up to your side. But his eyes were more calm, as well as the aura surrounding him. You accepted his handshake and clasped your other hand over the back of his hand.

“Dash.. You look like you’re doing well,” you greeted. He grinned and looked down at himself before meeting your gaze behind the helmet.

“It’s been a journey but I’d say it’s been worth it,” he replied before you two removed your hands from one another. “And I go by my given name again, never really liked what he proclaimed me as.. Chordan.”

“Chordan,” you thought over before giving a firm nod. “I like it. Definitely better than what he gave you.”

Chordan motioned in a direction and you began to walk side by side one another. The pace was slow, you basked in one another’s presence and the familiar feeling that radiated off of each other. He led you towards a building that seemed to gleam against the falling sun. “What brings you to Alderaan?”

“I’m accompanying a couple of Jedi on their journey. I’m.. Looking for someone,” you replied cautiously. You both came to a stop as Dash looked you over with a raised brow.

“You don’t mean..?”

“I do,” you cut him off. You couldn’t help but look past him towards the scenery that surrounded the city. “I have to find him without Palpatine finding out.”

The use of the Emperor’s name was quiet, just for him to hear. Chordan had to understand your need to find Anakin, the one in question. He had seen how broken you were that day on Korriban, and the two weeks you spent together after the Purge first occurred. You noticed he straightened himself, nearing you to lean down and whisper something. “I knew I sensed a change in you.”

Before you had a chance to reply someone came up from the building you were nearing, which caused you two to separate. You kept your gaze firm on the distance, to allow Chordan to speak with whoever was coming up from behind. “Sir, we’ve intercepted a message-”

No. It couldn’t be.

You spun around faster than they could finish, impulsively unhooking the holster on your leg and taking a step back. You couldn’t help it, it was yet another person who had attempted to kill you (though it could be argued they had no choice.)

CT-27-5555. Distinguishable by his personality and the faded ‘5’ tattoo on the right side of his temple. One of the ones who saved your life from “Governor” Shuule now six years prior. Setting your hand on your blaster was enough to warrant him to react as well, but Chordan stood between you both.

“I don’t think that’s a wise move,” Fives familiar voice registered in your ears. Your eyes darted between the two men who stood before you, and Chordan focused on you harder.

“Calm down,” he warned you. Fives grew antsy behind him but Chordan narrowed his look at him. “Stand down.”

“Who the hell is this anyway, Sir,” Fives questioned.

Chordan hesitated, which was noticeable by Fives (if that’s what he went by now) who was growing more guarded by the moment. You felt like your breaths were heavy, weighing what you wanted to do, but there was no decision to be made. With a shaky hand you reclaspsed your gun holster and reached up to feel for the latch on your helmet, which for some reason you couldn’t remember where it was. But when you finally got the latch undone and the hissing that sounded after, you lifted it off your head.

You wondered what you looked like to those you haven’t seen in years. Fives had always been one to give his thoughts and feelings away with his facial expressions, and it appears that hadn’t changed. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion, eyeing you then Chordan, before his face softened in recognition. “General.. Sir- I mean-”

He was unsure how to address you, given your last encounter with one another, but he stopped speaking the moment you took a careful step forward. He was nervous as you tried to gauge his reaction, maybe to see if he was going to attack you, but his stomach twisted as you stood before him. Fives wasn’t one to get nervous, but there was a first for everything. What startled him the most was when you reached your free hand up to his face, the leathery feeling brushed over his right cheek and traced over the tattoo on his temple. It seemed to confirm something for you. “It’s really you.”

“I.. I’m so sorry,” Fives erupted, earning a frown from the one who had him in awe. “Palpating he installed chips in us Clones.. There was no way to fight his command-“

“It’s okay,” you reassured him while dropping your hand from his face. “You only just grazed me.”

“I thought.. Thought you were dead,” Fives said lowly. You glanced towards Chordan and came to rest your hand again on his shoulder.

“We had to make it believable.. I asked him never to tell anyone, I had to wait until the time was right before-“

“(Y/N),” Chordan interjected, his tone warning you of what you were doing. You glanced at him and shrugged slightly.

“I trusted him with my life, you’ve trusted him all these years it seems.. I can trust him with this,” you reasoned. Fives watched the exchange in confusion, before you let out a small sigh and turned back to him. “I’m trying to find Skywalker.”

Anakin and you had worked hard to conceal your relationship because of the Council and the ways of the Jedi. But almost like how Obi-Wan knew, there must’ve been others unknown to you. You didn’t know if any Clones had figured it out, but by the expression on Fives face it seems like he had figured it out at some point. But there was another hint of urgency that now clicked for him. “The message-“

“What message?” Chordan asked. Fives explained to him he’d want to hear it himself, and with a stolen glance of understanding, you put your helmet back on and followed the two towards your next objective.

The Inquisitor's incompetence was making Vader irritated. It irked him that his training seemed to befall on those who couldn’t even carry out the simplest task: tracking down any remaining Jedi. He knew there were more out there, he could feel them himself. And with his encounter with Cal Kestis on his own turf.. Vader wanted him to be brought before him once more. He would finish what was started if Kestis didn’t comply.

With his Star Destroyer still hustled amongst the stars, Coruscant was still in sight. Standing at the head of the bridge, Vader looked at the distant planet and was silent. The officers below him didn’t bother him, and it was just the way he liked it. He heard the footsteps of a commander approach, before stopping behind him. “Sir, we’ve got the message transmitting to the parameters you’ve requested.”

“Good,” Vader’s voice loomed from behind his helmet. He knew that if anyone heard this message, they would be sure to come.. They’d fall right into his clutches.

“This is Master Obi-Wan Kenobi. The Jedi Order is rising again. This message is for any surviving Jedi, and those trained in the Force.. We’re awaiting you on Coruscant.”

The message replayed on a loop after that, transmitting on the same frequency that Ben’s real, original message had played on. There were six people listening to it in the command center on Alderaan, but silence befell them. Finally, Fives shut it off and the silence grew to an uncomfortable level before someone finally spoke.

“It’s obviously a trap,” Bail said. Chordan had called him away from his family, while you had called on Cal and Cere, who both looked lost in thought. Bail looked at the group he invited, and furrowed his brows. “Why would Vader go to this length for just you two?”

“He’s probably hoping for more to fall for his trap,” Cere responded, rubbing her chin in thought. “He probably knows that the younger ones may believe the message.. Can’t believe he managed to cut it so believably.”

“We can’t risk him getting a hold of any more Force sensitives,” you remarked behind your helmet.

“What do you plan on doing? Get captured?” Chordan asked.

“We have to at least try and stop that message, and destroy his chances of creating more,” Cal said. You nodded in agreement, but Bail seemed more hesitant.

“Are you sure about this?” He asked the young Jedi. Cal glanced your way, and you shared a knowing nod.

The Mantis was returning to the fallen temple.

- - - - - - - - - -

curent taglist // feel free to message me to be added or add yourself here!

@robin-obsessed @runs-with-sciss0rs @x-thunderbird-x @xthe-dreamerx @prongsfoott @deviatedwinter @cowboyenorgy @peresphoncs @ayo-cowbelly @lily-paddd @skywalkerswife @chewymoustachio @danas-wonderland @avaragetrout @mrcarbonatedmilk @justapeachysoul @starlingelliot @do-not-feed-sugar @algentforthewin @gayidioot

#Anakin Skywalker #anakin skywalker x reader #anakin skywalker x you #anakin skywalker fic #anakin x reader #anakin x you #Darth Vader #darth vader x reader #darth vader x you #darth vader fic #vader x reader #lost and found #cal kestis #fives

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triumphorce · 8 years ago

Text

I hope you enjoy these poems,

Been long enough since I’ve opened, but what’s wrote here is longer,

Sequoia length,

Hyperbolic-time flow in composition,

Bestowin lines of hopeful intervention,

Archs of ideas risen over an extended period, sheddin blood and perspiration,

No menopause, or birthin babies, no days off or on vacation, just endless effort,

An ellipsis stasis, pausing mentally to pay tribute and revisit thoughts degraded,

Or friends neglected,

Pausin like Nintendo, to eat some dinner before it’s cold and tastes of resentment,

Coldest chest bearin my truest intentions, similar to Sloths’ paws in my grip,

Skeptic in the presence of predators, pause to remain calm from all the norm’s digestion

On my South Paw Tekken method, so I stagger to keep them guessin,

In a mega melee between every one of these beings

And their baseless, no basis for patience, faceless and conceited bantering,

So, I’ll get angry if I get angry,

Pressin pause, once again before, just in case, breathing deeply,

Moment of recollection to intellectually understand the present,

And fast forward through every pressure, as I wordplay on endeavors,

All the while trying to buy me time and spare my mind displeasure

From hiding all these lines, wondering if it’s better to attribute pride

And be forever biased toward my dreams, ignorin finding securer ties

Amidst future porch-lit oblivions,

So I chose to approve all I choose with a stronger sense of what to do, Truth in use,

My Love for Truth reaches deepest distances to defining deeper motive behind the chosen,

Chase my dreams or loathe them, stop wasting time on goals or continue on toward them,

Still I end up writing my mind half the time, a bad habit of thinkin it’s lunch time

When it’s crunch time, bursts of ideas, floodin skies, rainin food for thoughtful animals

So now it’s hunt time and I’m roaming cranial parameters, ramblin in Rome-like stadiums,

A Rome of ages, no Brutus betrayal or Germanic invasion,

No collapsing, I make full course, my own track and traction,

Presidential pioneer of passion; a growth in hope from anger,

A ronin-rioteer, slashing throats of loathe and fear, lies and anguish,

Meaning is now the Home and I’m Forrester, on occasion,

Lovely to me to be left alone, to zone and be free from true isolation,

To redefine, no, renovate my limits, halls of castles spreadin from DNA,

To roofs, my being raising from half staff, saluting empires of past and present acceptance,

No predictions or master plans, only assumed direction and adaptive passion, always fittest,

Regardless of destination or where I land, its presence is foremost and always welcomed,

Whether I am or not, but okay, whatev, bet I’m still gone write, yep, bet I’m still gone type, gone but bet I’ll be right

Back, and bet I’m still gone knock, bet I still remain as obsessive as day one, towards an art,

So check the tech of this apex poet’s level in rap, floetry runneth over and I keep it coming like porno,

And…yea, good, that’s a wrap,

Horde of spun gears in wholesome work, cog-nizant abundance here,

An aggressive submissiveness, self competitive modes of progression shown in

An impressive stanza collection, goin all the way back, ’07, low and undetected,

007 impressions all the way to present moments, presenting poems,

Where 117 is now the logo, a present decree of freeing motives,

Steering hope to fearless and it couldn’t but be made more clear, this here

Can’t be on apprentice level s***, not anymore, I’m no where near, I’m better than,

Mirror Anakin, made aware of hidden traits, clearly bred colossal wake

As the inevitable dawn of day, endless skywalkin in either night or day,

On my Goku and Brolly game, got me on my jolly way,

So hold up, I’m bout to blow it up,

Bomberman noggin blogs, pardon the post-ignited fury,

Sparks from muse are used to light the fuse, moving through my spine,

To the keys I strike, to viewable words through screens of yours,

And then boom, my H2O line of sight crosses Alkaline insides,

Fleeting debris of my being sinking six feet in fire’s keep,

Leaving only a smoke flow of unspoken life, rise to flight,

About to air it out, openin insides to fair against the pain,

Another verbal hurricane, reign of Hadouken waved verses

Bringing pages, like a journalist, cursor brain attached to qwerty nerves,

Constant saving, birthing a freeze frame nature to nurture critiqued allure,

From observin to shining light on might of mind on mind excursion,

Lyrics of Merlin, magickal bound occurrence of astounding verbal wizardry,

Showin beauty in comprehension between the likes of those alike

And others who talk against,

So much hate, yet little mercy, despite what they claim to be in the first place,

So next to action, I narrate..

My part,

a poetic curator organizing deep extractions of Art within an Art,

Sorta clean cause of time off, still far from set Par,

Seeing only as far as I’m made able, free of cataracts

and until the rest is made available I place my faith in words,

Come out unscathed and church

Clean, from housing Temple worship,

Sermons of mental journeys, Hobbit-length, traversing Misty Mountain cliffs,

Where Stone Giants wage war, Bid on shoulder’s girth, a foundation never destroyed,

Only converted, only a change in surface, only courage

Made under fire, slay the dragon buried under the least of worries,

Traded violence and bias for brighter means of time spent,

Breaking dawn of storms, over shores of lore,

Growing force from self-remorse, stored distortion,

From getting used to moving forward,

overcoming obstacles, that before had me stuck in floors, all the lags had me glitchin,

Took a minute but I gathered, from the tension, a meta-genomic grasp

On philosophic-bloodlust in retinas of optics searching for oxygen,

yin-yang-third-eye watchin, a mind concaved to problem solvin at the microscopic,

Supplyin a macro-meson metropolis, comprising atomic gardens,

Ever meso-fixed in topless limits, I can’t stop, no need for friends,

Only accomplice to accomplishin, raising the bar again and again within myself,

Machine-like of John Conner, type neurologic, a bionic Laureate, I been on it,

A token-Conan,

A hint of Homer,

From scarlet bowties and formal clothing

To swinging forth the sword of warriors,

Spreadin life with an aura flourished in poetry,

Sort of like Tenseiga but just as sharp as Tessaiga to slay and defend what’s important,

So I Bakuryūha when cornered, no more warnings to get off my Case,

A Sherlock self-entitlist, just decipherin Edgar Poe whims,

With magnifying-focus, John Locked at poems coordinates,

Geologist-range, Rovin problems over with mecha-method,

reignin hectic over perfect tempo,

Mental metronomes, metabolic gyroscopic, hydraulic steps over all the bulls*** people talkin,

Supplyin medic-tomes to audiences, I guess,

Instead of poems, just a chivalric code in ir-realistic flow,

Just another dose of illness, to strengthen defenses

Here we go and, oh yea, that was just the beginnin’, oh snap, no he didn’t

lul.

So here is my written vaccination, a statement of my mission,

Sick of losing my mind and always seeing accepted ignorance,

Lettin go of trust, just to grab hold of hope I choose to trust again,

Desire to love and forgive poses more importance than holding in

Or holding on to thorns of torn rose stems,

Better at maintaining a utopia within, Jesus-morale through crucial friction,

Yieldin malice to oncoming Semi-driven peace,

Even when afflictions make it uneasy,

I make sure love is not only at its peak when toward family,

Because Kin is everybody I co-Exist amongst, an invisible brand in genes,

Givin me infinitely hope that I can defend beliefs of neighborly bred instincts,

Leading actions to condone sequence of repeated interactions,

Like dominos,

Between

people’s

compassion’s

path’s

Crossing

With that of

My own that I’m steady walkin, not really lookin back,

Exponentially increasing from lack of to getting back up,

Ours, as a world, to combine, or back up, and Choose disbelief,

Giving power to the powers To be, whose power to Be is defiling

Our Choice’s portrait of supposedly empty highlights, making ordinary

Unimportant, so thus this becomes the light of truth and leads life to corrupted view,

Either you losing sight of you or me of myself, misconstruing reason to pay it forward,

So I’m usin lucrative lines to lubricate the minds still a little prude to the nude of life,

Faded from strained engagement, makin the choice to die before you’re ever abused again,

To stand unphased in the face of hate and maintain a level stage of patience, that few appreciatin,

Proof that even in the height of uselessness, truth exist in a dimension fixed from vision,

Rooted fixture of a singularity, opposing ideals varying, extend as phloem,

Still can’t elude the speed of photons in a system of life and physics where the right to choose, itself,

Is the life in what lives stand for,

Beyond the physical, a Worth indivisible, formed from what we did and didn’t do,

Warm with smitten, passive light, passin every night and day,

By the hour, orbit revolutions of quintupled Arcturus regions, knowledge empowered brain,

Observin league’s descent uncharted, breeching in darkest hour,

Gravitate my beliefs to massive reason, dimension of must equalin mass of love

To not corrupt where hearts conduct or infest all I possess with lust,

Hope I can maintain the way I touch hearts and pump in months of hardwork,

I keep learning from how I feel to why I feel that way,

Found difference in being indigent and being ignorant,

Intelligence directly reflectin indignant wisdom, transmittin,

Referrals I purpose of personal Shells in ideals, splurging words earnestly

To enter these journals, but if I’m supposed to, what’s the purpose,

Who am I to deserve such a love to words, just an observer

With judicial poetic touch,

And if it’s certain, to whomever, that fate is written, a moral contingent imminent to emptyin,

then what’s the Purpose to existence other than fulfilling an omni-present minister’s wishes of progression,

So I’m administering this obsession to keep anyone who’s missin those “blessings” to please hold on for new direction because I’m tired of seeing depression used as weapons, ammunition from confusion spreadin, duly attentive to fully removin this sickness in sentenced remedies,

Imprison the Nil of pre-destined influences, bring immunity to kill tetanus infections,

Yet still refusing to refute my messages’ meaning even when people misread or dis-link from me

In fear of appearing foolish when light’s free, wool lids over open eyed fools,

Mule witted minds losin focus,

Allusive motive to controlling themselves,

Soo they leave it to forces brail, leaving me to expose

Where the heart is and what it is I was composed to do, go through,

With an ambition prone to fail, I suppose, According to premeditated rulings,

Meaning everyone can’t avail, so only some progress while others are rejected,

Some succeed, some fail, some live, some dwell, well, all alive, but none feel,

Not one well,

And once accepted they remain as frail as I stay mute, but that’s changin soon,

Realizing the truth to stay ahead, never aim to win, life is better played at whim,

Not a favor to anyone to stay blind because you believe you have no play in it,

And claiming peace, while inside, you fake as s***,

So no more resigned use of…

Of life in muses, only new identities I can side by, fuse with,

Away from what therein lies of pre-inscribed mysterious finds, binding will to higher kinds,

Leaving little clarity between actuality and their desire,

Entirety of irrationality blurring passions with pre-happenings,

So I’m writing packet-deep, massive thesis type lyrics,

Not on what life is, more on what it should look like,

Negate effects of strife in what we go through every day

In dreaming and seeking Faith, ending wake of endless waking, like Kenny’s nature,

Mysterion mind deliberating meaning in decisions that supposedly lead us, survival of the fated,

Achievements naked, blank sheet, feat-less wasteland of failures, aka

Someone else’s graceland’s sake,

Astray a world of involuntary reflexes, committed daily,

So what are we without the choices that we make?

And what are reached achievements if choices obsolete,

Our thoughts subjection leaning toward subjective mercy,

Always worrying things will turn for the worse, or should service us,

Circling merit, false in essence, always expectin credit, all these undeserved expectations,

Just another damn reason to instruct and detain, trained to hush,

Contained in corruption, so I break away and lead myself free of it,

Free of following a truth untold, or rushed through,

I slow it down,

Piercing meaning, rupturing relations between changes in Being

And being thankful for living,

Every reason I find, convenes in front of spleens,

Instead of wasting time slaving to understand something always changing

I can easily provide more beauty with “ordinary” in wording, ordaining my own action,

Than any do with reasons still a mystery because they believe in divinity’s selection,

Well I believe everyone, no matter skin, beliefs, see a peace, regardless of objective,

Peace is the seed that exist in you and me, me in you and you in me, nothing sexual,

Just technical, so here’s to findin triumph in effort hulled, fighting for survival of hope in better situations

Distribute it mainstream, with only precedence toward bestowing bravery,

Traversing in shoals of intricate migrations, from skull to throat,

Talkin over people trollin the same thing, about damnation, nuclear devastation, or no hope in humanity,

Betraying speaking peace in pieces, plain to see,

Disarray in creation of fate-sung predicaments

So I remain an algebraic humanist, Ethos patron instinctively,

Regardless of what will be, only means to believe in,

And I choose to believe then,

From the whole of me, giving heed in forms of rhyming reads,

Waiting for the time to reach and grab my chance before it passes me…

My chance to be, to chance is to breathe in depths of stress, under endless seas of probabilities,

Chance is the rise to waves accent to cling to being, where wind swiftly leads a symphony

Of dreams and just when air seems di-minished, chance then Links courage to cappin fear,

Ceasing deceasing of a dwindled breeze, bringing back forgotten memories,

Connected to the past, of where one love met another,

Growth in a happiness conceived bliss, paintings above everyone;

A past’s collage of pensive imagery, collision of Imagination and color,

As wind in the sky blows to soothe the dried, pacifyin,

Past trees, to carry seeds to where they land and breed,

Chance is the treaty between faith and reason,

So tired, so much time to chancing, less to myself, more to finding pride,

Wealth applied to build a health in a life worth more than itself, meant to help,

Enrich those left with doubt, pursued in talents used to salvage faith and shelter,

Compelling thoughts of jealousy and hatred, still a becoming, in the making,

No black and white, I’m in the gray, changin, becomin blanker to a race based on skin,

A lot of work in becoming the change I wish to see replacing all the deceit and greed shit,

To give people something to believe and then proceed to give them reason guaranteeing chance,

Fairing change in paths and enhance the passion made elastic by creating a canvas of emotions gathered

When faced with resistance in liberation from fated actions, I supply my own motivation,

I never tire, never slack, forever writing, sometimes gaming,

I design, repay debt and fines,

I find when lost,

I admire the quaint breeze,

I aspire to aspire,

Seeking others to re-fire fired dreams,

Finally seeing the beauty in dying leaves,

I am only but the comprisee, comprised to further ideas beyond that Comprising…

And at every Dawn of Morn’, perfect timing,

Lightly sun brushed adorned emotions course vibrantly,

Alarm chime got me up like Dug and Russell,

Carl Orff auricular consumption as I rise to shining,

Leaving bunks made comfortable, plying a nine to five,

Adrift corrupted, yet functional systems of injustice,

That people blindly trust in, such a numb to love world,

So I’m livin sure of what I want, but never deserving,

More for serving, because I see a turning in returning,

Learning TM 27, to defend without hesitation, those hurting,

Putting plenty work in, stayin sturdy, steady, stern,

So no more sleep, reenergize my mind with ultraviolet multi-focused drive,

Never tried thriving in just one type of art, renaissance rhymes or charcoal lines,

Bars of ideals primed in furnace fire,

Filled from philosophical mines I, from time to time, step inside to dig further,

Almost a decade, now, dedicated toward a storyline that transformed to novels,

From Lanowen to Cenoria,

From one part to over four, comic-concepts

From porch bottom to views with No horizon,

Just me and Hiz,

From RP to a simple Story, to a Foyer of plots,

Elevating floors high, Glory rises to tell of the dormant tales,

Tales of war, Tales of cheer, Tales Galore, Tales of Fears,

A tale of Fictional artists, just tryin to stay in chime tune with reality,

Eyes open, as trays of a balance-beam,

We only dream To chase them, after, running mentally to catch them,

Dippin off through darkened streets, literally,

And when dusk begins reality slumbers in Dippers over me,

Ephemeral solace into the evening, leaving me in

Pleasant never ending brinks, extinct of larks or peeps,

Sole existence of a solo dolo sidewalk dreamer,

A roamin Caesar, Rome enthusiast

To scenic artistry of stars gleaming in navy-bluest skies,

Light mists of moonlight sonata-like cloaks linger through the night,

A bliss as infinite as the stars are distant, holdin my hopes in suspension,

Ensuing thoughts to compose notes in my dome or on moleskine,

Brim-row view in opera lands, Baritone parlando, harking heartfelt cantos,

Stealing back the hope I robbed myself of, so no more dead silence,

No sounds, just NC headphones and instrumentals to get my mind scheming,

Socratic Luther King in Light and in my sleep,

Still a modern Machiavelli, to stand for what’s right,

Keep what’s on back and neck protected, look like an easy

Target, but I promise that that ain’t promised,

Fingers crossin keyboards like twist ties,

Butter bread lines, sun-beams, from always goin ‘gainst the grain,

In an Adidas skully over curls as I stroll the lunar World,

Lennon-shoes, solar-albedo Chuck Soles Chauffer luster, a sulfer glow of soulful surges from Sol-lit sources, shone off earth’s surface, in all directions, time reversin from my inertia, I surf a universe of Umi-verses, rainin fiercely, floodin nyxheim, floodin tumblr, floodin notebooks, on my flood the world s***, only observable once I give life to words shaped in a matrix muse, wor-ship of my curse or gift, I make that discernment, man what the hell, I been murkin, think it’s time for me to call the curtains, I’m outta here, peace and heart, hope you enjoyed the work,

Fin

#dps #poetry

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lostinafairytaleofchaos · 5 years ago

Text

Sobriety is “HELLA SEXY”

https://colorfulchaos.blog/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Angus-Julia-Stone-Nothing-Else.mp3

(Press Play – Angus & Julia Stone – Nothing Else)

To look at Meg, one would see a bright, young, bubbly, excited, and beautiful woman. Hope and sparkle in her eyes. Absolutely stunning and gorgeous.

To get to know Meg, you get to know Jesus and God, with a fiery spirit.

Meg has a heart of gold. Although quite upfront and blunt, honest to the core, Meg is loving, fun, excited about life, a wonderful mother, and a partner, she is also a small business owner.

Meg is family, engaged to my cousin Jay. Meg also became an instant friend.

Before even meeting in person, Meg and I spent months talking on Facebook. I knew immediately that I loved her. There was tenacity and spark within her that I saw, I could not explain it, I just felt it. I looked at her and I saw life, true life. I saw so many things other than that also. I wanted to be like Meg. Fun, exciting, beautiful, hopeful!

As I talked to Meg, more and more, I found out that Meg, was in fact, a recovering alcoholic. One would not look at Meg at first glance and ever think that.

This goes to show how the world is so out of touch with the reality of addiction, recovery, illnesses, and suffering.

This is exactly why I wanted to present Meg’s Story.

Little did I know, this was ONLY part of Meg’s story, so there will very likely be a lot more to come on Meg.

The following story is only part of Meg’s story. It is a glimpse into a story of sobriety and recovery. A story of over 500 days of being alcohol-free! I am so proud of Meg.

Meg’s Journey to Recovery

A deeper look into the Real Meg

I grew up as an only child in the small township of Florence, New Jersey. I shared an early love of rescued kitties, Slim Jim’s, & Shirley Temples. And I lived for roller skating, sleepovers, lipstick & BOYS!

As I type this, I now know, that I also had/have a deep desire for affection from my mom & dad. I can’t say I ever recall them being that. Instead, the memories I do have are those of longing and searching, for approval, for love. I remember, in both households fighting, screaming, crying, things breaking, beatings. In my mother’s home, it was my stepfather’s daily fits rage towards me/us. In my father’s home, it was my stepmother’s physical abuse towards me, her daughter, and the many children she babysat.

My stepmother and stepfather, bother entered my life at a young age. I was young. They were young. They were FUN. They were abusive.

What was your drink/ alcohol of choice?

Whiskey! But hell, I cannot really recall ever turning anything down. IPAs, moonshine, vodka, red wine…

When did you find yourself drinking the most?

Every time I drank! LOL, I drank LOTS.

But my darkest days were my final days… they began at the realization of my needing to escape my toxic marriage and continued spiral for the next two years. Did you drink out of anxiety, socially, anger, to relax?

No way! Initially, I did not drink for any “reason.” I drank because it was fun, I am fun! I am an Abrams-that is what we do. I am Megan Abrams AKA Hot Mess Express. Loud, Social, Silly, Crazy. Alcohol and me, we were BFFs, alcohol was my identity.

Does alcoholism seem to be something that you can trace back to your family?

Oh, for sure. Normalized. Enabled. Accepted.

What led to your sobriety? God.

So, this is 40. I did it! I escaped my 2nd crap marriage, I’m now living at my highly functional normalized alcoholic father’s house who he shares with his wife, a woman he married when I was 2, who has been abusive to me throughout my entire life, but my daddy loves me! I’m drinking copious amounts of free booze daily with my pop & the neighborhood drunks, I only have to work a few hours a week because, after all, I have no mortgage to pay at daddy’s (which gives me more time to drink) My sweet daughters (3 & 11) and I have cute & cozy bedrooms, our own bathroom and are surrounded by things we love. OH AND, I am dating!! A few men, a few VERY wrong men, (nothing a shit load of alcohol cannot make right!) Oh, yeah, I was platinum blonde, thin, tan, sexy & Alcohol Soaked! ONE HOT ENABLED MESS. I loved what I saw in the mirror!

So then why? Why would I cry if I stood looking into my own eyes too long? Why would I soak my pillow with tears more nights than not? Why when out jogging would I literally cry out for God’s help?? But for what specially? I did not know. All I could ever get out was a repeated plea, “HELP ME GOD HELP ME.

Little did I know. THIS. WAS. MY. Proverbial Rock Bottom.

What would you say is the biggest eye-opener for you today versus when you were not sober?

THAT morning. February 19, 2019. I woke, God spoke Megan, I know the desires of your heart and those ARE the plans I have for YOU.

That morning I looked in the mirror and for the 1st time, I saw ME FREE ME. I saw me through God’s Perfect EYES. I saw “me” through my daughters’ scared & confused eyes, I saw “me” through my mother’s constantly worried eyes. I FELT pain & I saw HOPE.

How long now have you been sober?

Today is day 516

What does your support system look like? Are you surrounded by people that encourage your recovery? Did you lose friends?

Love this question! After about a year of no steppy footy in a churchy! (Because that was just way too confusing) I went! A new church! I love it! My daughters love it! Clover Hill Church. I also casually staired attending Celebrate Recovery @ Southside Church on random Friday nights- there is just something about recovery worshiping & those cute colorful chips!

And at no surprise, just as He said He would, God immediately began fulfilling my heart’s truest desires…

He gave my daughters a mommy whose glass they could drink from at any time, a mommy who could drive anywhere at any time. A mommy with “a memory”, no headache, and no slur. A mommy they could trust to protect them all the time. To show them how to live rather than just how to survive. He gave them the kind of Mommy I want them to be when they are grown. He gave them a sober mommy! My, now, almost 13-year-old, is one of my biggest supporters and fans!

Next, God would introduce me to my Soulmate. Jerry Taylor! And you will never believe where?! AT CHURCH! It is as if God made Him just for me. My 1st, only, and last sober relationship. He has taught me so much and continues to do so. He is my rock. He is my hero. He is the love of a lifetime. His love is unconditional. He is a God-fearing leader & daddy to our daughters. We will love him until we die.

God taught me to forgive my stepmother and how to stop her from future abuse. All the while paving a path for my pop and me to develop a new relationship of our own outside of alcohol…. this will be a slow yet fruitful process for us both.

What would you tell your younger self?

Slow down. Some of this you are doing is going to haunt you for years to come. Love yourself.

What are your future hopes?

To fulfill God’s purpose for ME. To raise daughters who have zero interest in altering their minds with drugs and alcohol. To Love & Be Loved!

What advice would you give those that are facing recovery or challenges with recovery?

You are holding yourself back from receiving the greatest life has to offer. The struggle is real. But YOU, my brothers & sisters, ARE REAL CAPABLE of anything… once you take that 1st step…. it just keeps getting better!

Keep “quit thinking” and YOU WILL. You will continue down the hard road of struggle, sorrow, doubt & questioning. One day soon you will wake to begin “sober thinking” – owning your choice & making better subsequent choices and sober, YOU WILL remain. “Free thinking” – you have made it!

LIFE as you have never known it will be revealed to you, abundant LIFE!

The chains WILL break, YOU WILL be set FREE & here you will have eternal life.

You are struggling now. Why now struggle towards freedom. You are worth it!

Over 500 days Sober and Going Strong

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

https://colorfulchaos.blog/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/So-Will-I-100-Billion-X-Lyric-Video-Hillsong-Worship.mp3

(Press Play – So Will I (100 Billion X) – Hillsong Worship)

Thank you Meg for sharing YOUR story of sobriety and a glimpse into your life with us! I am proud of you.

You are a true inspiration. You exude grace, beauty, and love.

I know our followers and subscribers look forward to hearing more about you!

(One of Meg’s Favorite Quotes)

Sobriety is “HELLASEXY”- Meg’s Recovery Story Sobriety is "HELLA SEXY" (Press Play - Angus & Julia Stone - Nothing Else) To look at Meg, one would see a bright, young, bubbly, excited, and beautiful woman.

#addiction #alcoholism #awareness #belief #faith #health #hope #love #Mental health #Mental well-being #personal #self awareness #Self care #self healing #sobriety #well-being

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ptts2023 · 1 month ago

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TM GAME TOURNAMENT MAGAZINE ANNOUNCEMENT 13 PART 07

Written By: Neng Hong Lam Date Written: May 20, 2025

Table of Contents: Book 1 Book 2 Introduction Chapter 01: 1992-1994 Chapter 02: 1992-1994 Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness Part 26 Chapter 03 [Important Note 08] A. Judgement Day Argument B. It Is Okay To Have A Little Bit of Hopes? Revisit [1.] Poor Hungry Dog Image Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness Part 27 Chapter 03 Continue [Important Note 09] [2.] The Real-Life Stories In My Neighborhood A. Competing For Recognition

Important Note 09

In "Important Note 08", "It Is Okay To Have A Little Bit of Hopes? Revisit" section, I wrote that my busy schedule and dealing with my situation would argued as I don't have time to play video games and watch movies.

[Important Note 08 Recaps Begin]

If I were to play video games and/or watch movies, then those video games and movies have to be very important to my schedule.

"Darkstalkers" is one of my favorited video game and movie during my middle school and high school years. I watched "Night Warriors: Darkstalkers' Revenge" Vol. 1 & 2 at least 10-20 times. "Darkstalkers 3" video game is one of my most cherished video games.

"Darkstalkers" should be important enough to my schedule. So, in "Important Note 08", I wrote that I don't want to create more problems to the accumulated problems in my life if I watched "Darkstalkers" film again.

I also wrote the following:

Playing "Soul Calibur" 4 & 5 again, because of Leixia Chai and Xianghua Chai in "Soul Calibur" 4 & 5.

Playing "Ultimate Marvel Versus Capcom" again, because of Morrigan Aensland, Hsien-Ko, and Felicia.

The argument is "Who the fuck is giving you commands? Yes or no on playing video games and watching movies is all you need. Why you have to write so many reasons and so much explanations? Is like you are fucking with yourself. If you don't stop fucking with yourself, then you going to make people want to fuck with you. Fucking with you mean creating more problems to the accumulated problems in your life.

It is something I wrote in "Important Note 06 (Demon Hunter)"? I wrote that I could picture myself so angry I would bite off someone's face. But, I do not ask to bite off someone's face.

Should I just kept it I'm upset about my situation without the adjective words?

The argument is you are not the only person who is upset, the rest of the world is dealing with their anger, why do you have to use so many adjective words to describe your anger? Anger is a sign of weakness. Because if you don't tell people you are angry, then no one would know you are angry.

Another argument is who the fuck make you upset if you are nobody and no one care about you? Why do you have to keep fucking with yourself? If you don't stop fucking with yourself, then you going to make people want to fuck with you. It is very fuck up, you been asking for a little bit of supports and hopes for many years. All you get is people want to fuck with you.

One of the questions I wrote was, "Can my accumulation of 199 First Places in the TM Game Tournaments make up for no feedback on my PTTS posts?"

On Thursday (05/15/2023), 6 of the electricity sockets on the walls in my kitchen don't have electricity. The refrigerator is plug in one of the 6 sockets. Without electricity the foods inside the refrigerator have to throw away. I went to electricity control panel on the side of my house. I turn off all the electricity in the house and turn it back on. There was 1 time in the past, turning off and turn back on, does give back electricity to the sockets. But, not this time.

I decided to told my older sister, Bun Hong San about it. She told me she try to look for someone who could help me fix it.

It happen at around 9:00 AM. I left my house at around 11:00 AM. To go to the North Clairemont Branch Library. I return back to my house from the library at around 5:00 PM.

The electricity sockets still don't have electricity. So, I used a long power cord wire. I connect it to a socket in my house that have electricity. To my kitchen. Then, I plug the refrigerator power cord into it. That is how I able to give electricity to that refrigerator.

To stop myself from panic about what happen to the 6 sockets in my kitchen. I decided to temporary put a stop to my exercise schedule. Also, put a stop to my playing video game schedule. I think watching 1 or 2 movies a week I don't have to mention about it. Example: In the recent weeks (about 2 weeks ago), I watched the "Karate Kid" movie, so I didn't wrote about it. The reason is in my healing process, "Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness" I'm currently writing about events related to a CPES student, Christopher. He is copying Daniel in "Karate Kid" by using the Crane Stance fighting style. Also, there were CPES students calling him as the "Karate Kid" to aggravate him to anger in the fight. Those students beat up Christopher and made Christopher cried. Because Christopher got beat up and cried, so it look like he is making fun of the Crane Stance and the "Karate Kid" movie.

I watched "Karate Kid" movie again to show that I'm not making fun of it like how Christopher did. Because I think the "Karate Kid" is an American Movie Classic with the Romeo and Juliet theme .

Anyway, while collecting DVD movies, I have came upon parody movies that made popular movies into comedy. Those parody movies would make fun of the "Karate Kid" movie.

My Anger Stop The Electricity: On Thursday (05/15/2023) I wrote "Important Note 06 (Demon Hunter)". Like I wrote above, in it, I used adjective words to describe being very angry. Did my anger stop the electricity from those 6 sockets in my kitchen?

[Did My Self-Criticisms Stop The Electricity? Begin]

On Sunday (05/11/2023), the argument is "Diablo 3" have created a very addictive formula that make a player play the game nonstop for many hours each days.

"Diablo 3" is created by Blizzard. I have been very into playing video games created by Blizzard. Especially, during my middle school and high school years. Because I'm defending TM Game Tournament title. That Championship Title is I have the most first places in the weekly TM Game Tournament. On the very competitive days, I could play video games created by Blizzard up to 18 hours in 1 day.

Very addictive formula. Combined with I'm a big fan of Blizzard and I'm a very competitive player. I should be easily playing 8+ hours a day. Also, as a competitive player this is what I been dreaming about.

I would argues in a Celebrated Champion Scenario that could happen. But, in a Trapped Scenario, "Diablo 3" have destroyed my life.

Peer Pressure 01: We put in at least multiple 1000s hours of very competitive gameplays. You just started playing it. We have to keep hearing, "Neng is better than you."

Peer Pressure 02: "This is bullshit, Neng is playing Offline. How could he know what we are thinking about him?"

Video Game Hot Line Argument: This argument is the average Video Game Hot Line charge around $20-30 each hour. The world still don't know about the PTTS. So, I would charge half the price. That is $10-15 each hour.

I would argues without having RPG background to get started with "Diablo 3" will have to go through some tutorials. Combined with I have to worried about Peer Pressure and Video Game Hot Line Argument. I probably feel too much pressures to play it, so I won't play it. I think that is what people are thinking.

While I'm playing it, I'm being attacked by "Neng is not taking the game seriously."

From the argument above, it was supposed be the game I been dreaming about.

On Sunday (05/11/2023), starting on my first day playing it, I have been upset about play it. Because I don't get to says the following: I'm doing it for the championship. I'm not doing it because it is a very addictive formula.

Because I been attacked all the time, so my notes are rough and need to be organized. I decided to ignore the pain from the attacks. And, organize my notes. While organizing my notes, I would self-criticize myself on my notes need to be organized out loud.

Did my self-criticisms stopped the electricity in those 6 sockets in my kitchen?

[Did My Self-Criticisms Stop The Electricity? End]

My situation made me barely hanging on, what happen if I panic about what happen to those 6 sockets in my kitchen?

So, I been pushing the following thoughts away: Is all of a sudden just stop my exercise schedule and my video game walkthrough schedule the solution?

To not panic about what happen to those 6 sockets. And, to not think about why I stopped my exercise schedule and my video game walkthrough schedule. I been doing vocal training by singing songs. The 2 songs, "In the Beginning - Donna Lewis & Richard Marx" and "Once Upon A December - Liz Callaway". I would sing the male lyric in the duet song, "In the Beginning". As for "Once Upon A December", I think male or female could sing this song.

I wrote "Important Note 08" and this note, "Important Note 09" to let myself know what happen. Also, to tell myself to not panic about what if I play a video game and/or watch a movie. And/or get back to my exercise schedule.

Video Game Update

"Diablo 3": I want to finish organizing my "Diablo 3" walkthrough notes before I continue doing the "Diablo 3" walkthrough.

"Tekken 6": Ghost Battle Mode with game setting on win 5 rounds to get 1 win. Old Characters: Nina Williams: 300+ Wins and 0 Lost. Anna Williams: 150+ Wins and 0 Lost. New Characters: Heihachi Mishima: 53 Wins and 0 Lost. Ling Xiaoyu: 31 Wins and 0 Lost.

On the Website, I read that the Story Mode protagonists are Lars Alexanderson and Alisa Bosconovitch. This mean I have to start playing Lars and Alisa. So, I could complete the Story Mode.

"Soul Calibur" 4 & 5 And "Ultimate Marvel Versus Capcom": Read "Important Note 08 & 09" for more information.

Note: Ling Xiaoyu's fighting style are Hekki Sho, Hika Ken-based, Baguazhang, and Pi Qua Quan. Because Helena Douglas's fighting style is Pi Qua Quan. This mean Ling and Helena have similar fighting style. If there are time in my schedule, then I would compare their fighting styles. In addition, Helena is like Heihachi because she is in charge of the "Dead Or Alive" tournament. Heihachi is in charge of the "Tekken" tournament.

The Real-Life Stories In My Neighborhood

Competing For Recognition

If my life is too difficult to continue, because there are too much pressures in my life and overwhelming odds against me. Then, what are the real-life stories in my neighborhood beside my life?

I'm only around 10 years old, I don't have a lot of power and connections. Also, I spend most of my time in the CPES campus. So, most of the real-life stories are close by to the CPES campus. The following are those stories: Barrowclough's family stories. Coach Von's stories. Nicolas' stories. And, students competing to keep up with the Empty Handed Combat league stories.

In "Controversy Leadership", I wrote about me and a CPES student, Adam Maze became best friend. He is the MIP (Most Important Player) in the elementary basketball league.

A quick recaps. After I barely beat him in the "Four Squares" game. Me and him race on running and climbing to top of the "Monkey Bar". I got to the top first. At the same time, there are many students cheering out my name. So, I gave him a hand to pull him to the top. Me and him sitting on top of the "Monkey Bar". Below us are many students cheering my name. I would argues this is probably the height of my achievements.

The following are students competing to keep up with the Empty Handed Combat league stories:

Around 1994 when I gathered Erik Rodriguez, Feliciano Cervantez, Rick Kaer, and a few classmates created the unofficial junior local Empty Handed Combat league. I would argues we didn't it would become successful. In addition, the CPES students would gathered to watch those fights. And, cheer for fighters in the fights.

It already been over 1 year since we created that league. In me and the combat regulators talks, we would assure each other that the playground activities and grass field activities can't compete against the Empty Handed Combat league. The implication is it is the most recognized activity.

Then, we started talking about the "Chicken" activity at the playground. In the talks, pretty much what we wanted to said is students competing to keep up with the Empty Handed Combat league. There are times, we would walk over to the "Chicken" activity. Coincidentally, the "Chicken" crowd is cheering about me coming over to watch them. In return of their friendly greeting and welcome, I decided to get in a "Chicken" match.

The following are the "Chicken" rule: Both fighters are hanging on the bars. Because you are using both of your hands to hang on to the bars, so you would kick each other until one of the fighters let go of the bars. Once you let go of the bars you lost the match.

What you need to watch out for is your opponent trying to scissor you with their legs by grabbing your body with both of their legs. Once you are scissor it is hard for you to make kick at your opponent.

Even though, it is a "Chicken" match. So, if I lost then, I still have 15+ Wins and 0 Lost record. But, I wasn't planning to lose the match. I keep my distance from my opponent to avoid my opponent scissor me. I would argue hearing about my fight record, my opponent would want to use the scissor against me.

After me and my opponent exchanged a few kicks, he is going for the scissor. His legs barely missed my body. So, I don't my take anymore chance. I went for a high kick on his face. The kick on his face made him let go of the bars. After the match, me and him would shake hand.

Afterward, me and the combat regulators would agree that Empty Handed Combat league is still better than "Chicken".

After me and the combat regulators seeing the crowd cheering for a student who are doing stuns at the "Green Bar". We decided to check it out. When we got close to the "Green Bar" that student got into an accident. From a distance, I saw he was doing his stun. But, he missed his grab on the bar. He had a bad landing on his hands. He started shouting out in pain. The CPES staffs hurried over to the "Green Bar". Many minutes later, the ambulance arrived at the CPES campus and took him to the hospital.

The "Green Bar" incident made the CPES staffs lock down the playground activities for multiple weeks of time.

"Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness Part 28" continue in TM Game Tournament Magazine Announcement 13 Part 08.

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ptts2023 · 1 month ago

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TM GAME TOURNAMENT MAGAZINE ANNOUNCEMENT 13 PART 03

Written By: Neng Hong Lam Date Written: May 15, 2025

All Day Hike (Continue)

Continue where I left off.

If you have live in the Pacific Beach (PB) neighborhood in San Diego your whole life, then you know there are multiple "Burger King" hamburger restaurants on Mission Boulevard. Otherwise, it is confusing. Because of the new construction, reconstruction, and remodel. There are still "Burger King" in Mission Boulevard, but the one we went to already reconstruction to a different restaurant.

After we done eating the Whoppers, we hike to the Mission beach.

At the Mission beach, Chung would feed the seagulls (birds). Me and Ho just follow what Chung is doing also feed the seagulls.

There is a pedestrian lane wider than sidewalk. The pedestrian lane is next to the beach shore. It is many miles. Also, it connected the different beaches. We traveled on the pedestrian lane from Mission beach to PB beach. The distance is about 3-4 miles. From my observation, all year long, from 5:00 AM to 2:00 AM, it is crowded with people.

The fearful and lonely life and don't know how to speak the English language in the CPES years. It is like me and Ho doesn't have parents. So, me and Ho with our father walking among the crowd of people is like people see me and Ho have parents.

I would argues with our father we could be lesser fearful and lonely. Able to feel the comfort of being with parents such as support and embracement. There are moments, me and Ho could let down our guard.

At one glance, the argument is it is a boring and simple all day hike. Why do I have to write about it?

Even though, it is a simple all day hike. But, me and Ho able to feel comfort and happiness. Instead fear and loneliness. So, me and him was very happy about the all day hike the whole time.

During the hike, me and him decided when we get home, we would split evenly on the firecrackers and fireworks we found. Also, I told him. Before our family left Sand Be. I have learn a technique for the firecracker to explode in my hand without hurting my hand.

Yet, we still remember there were times children cried when the firecracker exploded in their hand.

The following is that technique:

When you are ready for the explosion in your fingers. When you are panic and scare of the explosion in your fingers. Make a lot of differences.

Knowing how to hold the firecracker with your fingers. And, your brain sending stimulus to your fingers to be ready for the explosion. During the explosion you feel a little bit of pain and numbness. Because the stimulus signal your fingers to be ready for the explosion.

As for Ho, he want to take his firecrackers and fireworks apart. Then, make them into more powerful fireworks.

The fireworks we are talking about is nowhere near as powerful as SeaWorld's fireworks. It is like a shape of rocket. When it is launched. It will fly up to the sky. Then, explode in the sky. It doesn't even create any flash of light. The SeaWorld's fireworks when it is exploded in the sky, it created a huge display of array lights in different colors. Those light display could last up to 60 seconds or more.

Ho is only 10 years old. Also, he doesn't have firework powders to create fireworks like the SeaWorld's fireworks.

I think maybe because of the memories of the firecrackers in Sand Be. That is why we are talking about the firecrackers and fireworks.

Anyway, I didn't compare his effort on creating his own fireworks with SeaWorld's fireworks. We are just very happy and excited to able to play with firecrackers again.

By the time we got to the PB beach it is around 2:00 PM. We have hiked for about 10 hours.

Chung suggested to buy beverage because the long hike could make us dehydrated. I told them. We could buy beverages at the supermarket. Chung asked me which supermarket.

"I heard "Barney" supermarket sell homemade beverages for affordable prices."

Because it is a hot summer day and we been hiking for 10 hours. So, the thoughts of icy cold homemade beverages made our mouth water.

After about 20 minutes hiking down Garnet Avenue from PB beach, we reached "Barney" supermarket. It is no longer called "Barney". The name have changed to "Spout". Chung gave me 1 dollar and told me to go buy beverages.

I only overheard talks about "Barney" sell homemade beverages. But, I have never bought beverages in "Barney" before.

Inside "Barney", I went to the beverage aisle. The homemade lemonade soda pop is $0.15 (15 Cents) a bottle. The argument is it is so cheap, so it must taste very bad. I bought 2 bottles. If it tasted very bad, then I'll drink both bottles. Since it is my suggestion.

Outside "Barney", Chung told me to take a sip first. After I took a sip, I realized it is the best tasting drink I have ever drink before.

We finished both bottles really fast. Then, Chung told me to go back inside to get 2 more bottles.

After we done with the beverages, Chung suggested that we should come to "Barney" more often to buy beverages. Then, he gave me a compliment for making the suggestion to come to "Barney".

As for me, it was a new experience. Because I just found out about "Barney" sell great tasting homemade beverages.

After "Barney", we stopped at KFC (Kentucky Fried Chicken) fried chicken restaurant. The Manager Deal Meal is 2 drumsticks, 2 wings, and 1 biscuit for $1. The same as "Burger King", Chung told me and Ho to go in and buy the fried chickens to go. Inside "KFC", me and Ho ordered 2 Manager Deal Meals.

Outside "KFC", we shared those 2 meals. We really enjoyed the KFC fried chickens.

We got back to our apartment at around 5:00 PM.

The foods tasted really good or the great day we had made the foods tasted really good?

Important Note 07

My current (May 2025) situation would effect my writing.

I Got Help Scenario: I know that I have a place to sleep and food to eats each day. I have support from my family and my community. I have feedback on my PTTS posts. I have incomes or donations on my PTTS posts.

Very Confused Scenario: I have to worry everyday about not enough foods to eat and I don't have a place to sleep. I'm not connected with my family and my community. I don't have feedback on my PTTS posts. I don't have incomes or donations on my PTTS posts. I'm very confused and I don't know what is going on.

In "I Got Help Scenario", I felt I could finish writing this healing process.

In "Very Confused Scenario", I'm very confused and stress out. It is very hard for me to focus on finish writing this healing process.

Conspiracies Behind the Curtain

Retarded Child Conspiracies

In Book 1 Chapter 2, I wrote about being haunted by ghosts at the nighttime and having nightmares in my sleeps in Sand Be. My family have to protect me all the time. Made me afraid of I'm being abandon by my family and my community. Also, afraid people would criticized me as a retarded child or a child with special need.

I would argues to overcome the fears. I have to argue back against the conspiracies that have conspired me as a retarded child.

The argument is my father don't want to disappointed me that I have been conspired to become a retarded child. So, he would tells I'm his favorited son among his sons.

From September 1993 to June 1994, in my third grade class, Mrs. Garrey would held my face and tells me to make eye contact with her. In front of the class. Then, she would tells me. I'm broken and lack confidence. But, she would fix me.

During the spelling bee competition. She would sign me up. Then, she would tell me have confidence. I'm fixing you.

In the spelling bee competition, I'm sitting in one of the 3 panels. The coordinator told me to spell, "Quiet". It is my first word to spell in the competition.

I look at the students in the audience. In the classroom, students would try to help me out when I need help with my spelling. But, this a competition so no one could help me.

"Quiet. Q-U-I-T-E. Quiet." I answered.

The coordinator would tell me I spelled quiet wrong.

The argument is only a retarded child get eliminated in the spelling bee competition on his first word.

"Efforts is what count. You went up stage to one of those panels. So what if you didn't get far." Mrs. Garrey would said to me. She held my face up again. And, told me to make eye contact with her. Then, she told me I'm going to fix you.

"Neng, pay attention. Look at Alex. He got structure and form. Your turn is coming up." Mrs. Garrey would said to me. The students are doing jogging exercise in the grass field.

There are conspiracies to conspired me as retarded child. Broken. And, lack of confidence.

It is hard for me to says that fighting against those conspiracies would make me even more retarded. More broken. More lack of confidence.

If I keep saying that the orphans and third world countries children starving to death from the famine and poverty each years. Then, I might create confusions and misunderstandings.

Sometime when there are too much pressures, I wanted to says that I'm just an orphan that is not important enough to be notice.

How often do you came across an orphan who doesn't have a lot of problems in his life?

From that question, the argument is if an orphan could have equal opportunity in a tournament. Then, it would be a clean death for that orphan.

The argument is Alex have structure and form. I'm a pissed off retarded child who have nothing to loose. I'm waiting for him to make a punch at me. Then, I'm going to crack his skull on the concrete floor.

I would argues I'm not going to crack his skull. I'm just going to teach him a lesson. Also, I don't know why did the most beautiful and beloved baby in Sand Be got put in this argument.

Then, Alex punched a student and knocked that students to ground. Then, he used a student as a punching bag to show the other students how to punch.

"Why don't you challenge Neng in a fight?" Feliciano Cervantez asked Alex.

Me and Alex walk up to each. Then, we bumped into each other. Making each other making the first punch.

Then, Diana Olloni and Gabriela (I don't know remember if that is her correct name.) broke up the commotion between me and Alex.

"I'll cry if I sees Neng get punch." Diana said out loud. Then, she shuffled me and Alex away from each other.

"Neng, lets go to another spot to hangout." Gabriela said to me. Then, she held on to my hand and pulled me away from Alex.

My father told me that I'm going to be on my knee. Also, I'm going to rip open my mother's shirt and bite her nipple until her nipple bleed.

I'm friend with Gabriel, because she asked me to be her friend. Diana and her mother been very supportive in our classroom.

I would argues in the fight against Alex, I could win. If I lose, then it is better than those retarded child conspiracies. This mean I didn't needed Diana to speak up for me and protect me. And, break up that fight.

Alex angrily punched another student multiple times instead of me. I'm angrily walked away from Alex.

The argument is I'm a retarded child that is why 2 girls have to protect me.

From September 1994 to June 1995, my fourth grade year. Mrs. Hanson is my fourth grade teacher. Because I'm learning how to speak the English language starting on second grade, so during second grade and third grade, I couldn't be part of the classroom lectures.

The argument is I'm a retarded child because I can't be part of the classroom lectures.

Mrs. Hanson sincerely told me to give it try. And, I'll help you. Be part of the classroom lectures. I told her. Okay. Then, she told me to read paragraphs out loud in a book to the classroom.

As I'm reading those paragraphs. There are students sitting next to me help me with how to pronounce the a few words that I have problem pronouncing. Also Mrs. Hanson would help me with how to pronounce the words that I have problem pronouncing.

After I read those paragraphs. The classroom of students applauded. Then, Mrs. Hanson would tells the classroom that English language is my fourth language I have to learn. And, I have went through a lot of hard study to able to be part of the classroom lectures. Then, the classroom of students applauded again.

The argument is I'm a retarded child because I got a classroom of students to applauded me for reading a few paragraphs in a book.

Why did I let the retarded child conspiracies continue to happen in my life, it is I don't care about my life, or it is nobody care about my life?

"Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness Part 24" continue in TM Game Tournament Magazine Announcement 13 Part 04.

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ptts2023 · 2 months ago

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TM GAME TOURNAMENT MAGAZINE ANNOUNCEMENT 12 PART 07

Written By: Neng Hong Lam Date Written: May 07, 2025

Table of Contents: Introduction Part 01-09 Chapter 01 Chapter 02 Chapter 03 Chapter 04 Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness Part 17 Chapter 05 [1.] There Is Still One More Test A. Where Are We At? B. Is This Place Our Home? [2.] Is This the Dream Life We Struggle So Hard For?

There Is Still One More Test

Where Are We At?

The airplane left Vietnam airport and arrived at the Thailand airport. The country of Thailand is in the Asia continent, and it is next to the country of Vietnam and the country of Cambodia.

This mean my family haven't got far away from Vietnam. So, it is still a very long flight until my family reach USA. The country of USA is in the North America continent. North America is continent far away from Asia.

I would argues that the world have seen my family went through very hard trials. So, the world think another trial would be no problem for my family.

Even if I didn't make this argument, then it is fact that my family did went through very hard trials.

The argument is I could try to see if people recognize my following image: I'm the celebrated champion who is leading the children in Sand Be and the most beautiful and beloved baby in Sand Be. If people don't recognize my image, then it is worth a try. Because I no longer in Sand Be Vietnam.

Anyway, I think my family is like me trying to think positive thoughts. Also, me and my family not going to back down without a fight. Because my family did really believe that we were going to immigrated to the USA. Those positive thoughts are my family will going to get to USA.

The airplane flight from Vietnam airport to Thailand airport is about 1-2 hour(s). So, I know we are not in the USA. Because the flight from Vietnam to USA take at least 10 or more hours.

What is going on? Where are we at?

My whole family got inside a bus. There are many people inside that bus. But, my family able to find seats to sit down inside the bus. The bus ride is about 60-90 minutes.

Even though, I been telling myself we are still not in the USA. But, what if I accidentally forgot I fell asleep in the airplane? So, I looked outside the bus's window as long as possible to confirm that we are not in the USA.

This is my first time in Thailand. From my observation, I think the high way roads in Thailand have smoother traffic and the roads is more developed than Vietnam's capital city, Ho Chi Minh.

Then, I overheard talks inside the bus that we are in Thailand. When I heard those talks I know for sure we are not in the USA.

The argument is whatever I'm thinking. The adults who know what is going on already thought of it. So, those adults know what I'm thinking and anticipated for me to make my moves.

As for my mother, Sok Nghim Hoi. Yes. It is true those adults have information about my family background. But, what if those adults miscalculated about a family in my family's heritage and my family's connections? Example: Months before the airplane flight, my family visited some relatives' houses. Also, many relatives and friends visited my family.

Our oldest sibling among the siblings is Bun Hong San. She is around 18 years old. So, she able to help our mother with staying on top of the management.

What Nghim and Bun don't need is me and the other siblings complaining/whining about wanting to go back home. I think the complaining/whining would only make our family going through more problems.

I'm 8 years old. Du Hong Lam is 6 years old. Ho Hong Lam is 10 years old. And, Lieng Hong Lam is 12 years old.

The bus stopped at a building complex. The following is the description of that building complex from my memories:

[Building Complex Description Begin]

Main Building: The main building have around 5+ stories. The main building is where the multiple thousands immigrants live. Each family is assigned with approximation of 5 yards by 5 yards of empty space to live.

Administration Office: The Administration Office and the Check-In Office is the same building. It is near the main gate.

Warden Building And Food Court: The Warden Building is connected to the food court. The food court is where the immigrants line up to get their breakfast's meal, lunch's meal, and dinner's meal.

Courtyard: The courtyard is behind the Warden Building. It is the only spot in the building complex where you could have some sunlight from the sun.

Main Gate: The main gate keep the thousands of immigrants inside the building complex. During meal time, the immigrants may go to the main gate to buy food and essential supplies or trade for food and essential supplies. This mean those immigrants have to trade through the metal bars. Example: Should you hand your money over first or should you get your food and essential supplies first? Even though, the trading transaction might seem exciting, but my family depended on those trades. So, I think it is serious and risk taking.

[Building Complex Description End]

The argument is seeing that building complex and hearing stories about that building complex the immigrants would be filled with fears and/or have breakdowns.

Since I was a few years old living in Sand Be (my country-side), I have been haunted by ghosts during the nighttime and have nightmares in my sleeps. I would argues I have been fearful my whole life.

Even though, I have been fearful my whole life. But, the stories about families have been living in that building complex for months of time does shock me.

I would argues it is a struggle between: Wanting to see how those families able to live for months of time inside a building complex. Or, try to think positive thoughts such as my family going to go to USA soon.

While inside the airplane, I asked the flight attendant for blankets to keep me warm. Also, a couple magazines so I have some to look at (I still just barely went to home school at that point of time, so I still learning how to read.). So, the flight attendant got me blankets and magazines. Coincidentally, an English lady offered me 60 cents for 1 of my magazine at the airport. So, I traded with her. I see it as a coincidental trade, because she wanted a magazine to read. I have 2 magazines with me. She did tells me the values of each of the coins she gave me, but I sees it as more a coincidental trade.

I got 2 blankets, 1 magazine, and 60 cents (US currency) from the airplane. So, I was able to bring those 2 blankets, 1 magazine, and 60 cents with me inside of that building complex.

Is This Place Our Home?

When the bus got to that building complex, it is getting close to the evening. After the warden assigned my family the spot to live, it is dinner time. It is approximation 5 yards by 5 yards of empty space. We got all of our luggage and bags that we brought from Vietnam. We keep it inside our spot.

While my family is lining up to get our dinner. 1 family member have to stay behind to watch our luggage and bags.

On the first few days, the following is the meal time: Each immigrant get 1 lunchbox (regular lunchbox that restaurant use on food to go). Inside the lunchbox, there are plain cooked rice. 2 hardboiled eggs. In addition to the lunchbox, you may ask for a side of vegetable soup.

After the first few days, the following is the meal time: Each immigrant get 1 plastic sack of ready to eat food. Inside the plastic sack, there are plain cooked rice and some cooked vegetables. Sometime you get 2 hardboiled eggs instead of cooked vegetables.

At that point of time, even though, that English lady told me the values of each coins, but I'm not familiar with the US currency. So, I didn't know that she gave me 60 cents. 1 Quarter, 2 Dimes, and 3 Nickels.

I told Bun I made a trade with an English lady at the airport. She gave me 60 cents.

During the meal time, me and Bun went to the main gate. Me and her show the seller who is selling barbeque beef kabob a Nickel from the 60 cents. He handed her 2 barbeque beef kabob for that Nickel. Beef kabob is a wooden stick pierced though many pieces of chopped beef.

Our family shared those 2 barbeque beef kabob by each person get a few piece beef to go with their meals. Our family was getting tired of eating plain cooked rice and cooked vegetable or hardboiled eggs everyday.

Bun let me keep the Quarter. As for the 2 Dimes and 3 Nickels, she used to traded for the barbeque beef kabobs. Our family would shared those barbeque beef kabobs.

I kept that Quarter as an airplane souvenir.

The daily recreation activities inside the building complex. Me, our siblings, and the children would play tag, hide and seek, and other recreation activities.

The argument is it is discouraging to explore the building complex. So, during the game of tag and hide and seek. I get a chance to see how big the building complex is.

The US Immigration letter made my family cancel the Cambodia trip and left Cambodia in a hurry. So, I didn't get a chance to says goodbye to that girl I met in Cambodia who was touring with my family during the Cambodia trip.

One day, I saw a girl at a distance. She reminded me of that girl in Cambodia. Are all the children's spirits broken, because being locked inside the building complex? That girl in Cambodia have high spirit. I usually stopped at floor 3. I followed her all the way to floor 5. How many floor is this building go up to?

I decided to use my Quarter and my last magazine to trade for a ball.

With the ball, I gathered some of the children together at the courtyard. Then, I shown those children how to play hide and seek kick ball.

Being in the courtyard for the first time, I finally get a chance to see the sunlight again. Occasionally, me, my 2 brothers, and the children would play hide and seek kick ball in the courtyard. Not long, we would break into 2 teams and play soccer games.

I don't know the whole story. My mother speed up our family US immigration process by spending a few US hundred dollar bills. Also, I heard she got help from a relative who is a high rank officer in that building complex.

Because I didn't wanted to think too much about living in that building complex, so I didn't keep track of the exact number of days living there. I think my family live there for some weeks of time.

Is This the Dream Life We Struggle So Hard For?

First, the 6-8 months of time going through the US Immigration examination.

Second, living in a building complex for some weeks of time in Thailand.

What will happen next?

I'm not use to riding airplane. Also, it is my first time riding airplane. So, after many hours in the flight, I felt dizziness and seasick.

By the time, I arrived in the San Diego airport. San Diego is a city in the USA. I could barely walk, because of the dizziness and seasick.

In the San Diego airport, the officers told Nghim and Bun that no fruits are allow to be brought over to the USA.

What a waste of all those fruits being tossed inside the trash can. If my family knew about it, then we would have ate those fruits inside that building complex in Thailand.

We are so close to the USA, so we didn't wanted to keep some fruits jeopardize the USA immigration. So, Nghim and Bun would tossed all the fruits into the trash can.

By this point, I need to lean on the luggage to keep my balance. Because of my dizziness and seasick.

Nghim told us to look for our aunt, Kim Lao inside the San Diego airport. Aunt Kim is Nghim's younger sister.

Our cousin, Sandy Lao recognize our family, because of the family photos. Sandy is Aunt Kim's daughter. Vice-versa, Nghim and Bun recognized Sandy, because of the family photos.

Nghim, Bun, and Sandy are so happy to see each, they are in tears and crying.

Aunt Kim is only some yards away from Sandy, so when Aunt Kim show up, Nghim and Aunt Kim hugged each other. And, they couldn't stop crying.

Aunt Kim decided to drive our family to a Vietnamese Pho restaurant first to have something to eat before driving us to her apartment.

I think by this point I probably fell asleep in the car. Or, I would probably tells Nghim that if I could ordered the Pho noodle to go.

I would argues by the time I got to Aunt Kim's apartment, the first thing I would do is to find a place to lie down and sleep.

I got to her apartment at around 5:00 PM. I would sleep for 9 hours. From 5:00 PM until 2:00 AM. I woke up at 2:00 AM, I saw that all the people in her apartment are still asleep. I went into the kitchen to check if Nighim ordered the Pho noodle to go or not.

Anyway, I found an electronic rice cooker. There are some plain cooked rice in it. So, I scooped a bowl of plain cooked rice. Then, I put some dried shrimps in my bowl and poured a little bit of soy sauce over it. After I finish eating it, I went back to sleep.

This is the end of Book 1.

In Book 2, I want to have the events in my life in a more chronological order. So, during each events I would list the year to keep those events in a more chronological order.

The event would start on October 1992. Then, year by year.

Before the USA Immigration, I was the most beautiful and beloved baby in Sand Be (my country-side). My family is a wealthy family with status and a lot of connections.

What will happen to me now after I immigrated to the USA? Would my life be better? Would my life be worse? Or, would my life be ignored such as no one care about my life?

"Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness Part 18" continue in TM Game Tournament Magazine Announcement 12 Part 08.

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ptts2023 · 2 months ago

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TM GAME TOURNAMENT MAGAZINE ANNOUNCEMENT 11 PART 07

Written By: Neng Hong Lam Date Written: April 29, 2025

Table of Contents: Introduction Part 01-09 Chapter 01 Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness Part 07 Chapter 02 [1.] Emergency A. Recaps of the 5 High Priority In My Life B. Giving Myself A Break [2.] 1984 My Birth Place A. How To Appreciate Something That Is Very Hard To Appreciate B. Bread Days C. American Red Cross Foundation Providing Donations To My Country-Side C. Taking Bus To the City Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness Part 08 Chapter 2 Continue [3.] Capital City A. First Time In the City B. Toy Store [4.] Back To the Country-Side A. Night Life In the Country-Side Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness Part 09 Chapter 2 Continue [5.] Schedule Update A. Video Game And Sexiest Women Update B. Idol Singer Placement Revisit C. Movie Stars That Leave Lasting Impact Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness Part 10 Chapter 2 Continue (Continue From 4. Back To the Country-Side) [Important Note 02] B. Strange And Stranger [6.] Trash Collector And Recycle Business

Important Note 02 (Just A Quick Note Before I Continue)

This healing process is a long journey and this long journey going to have many chapters. So, if I keep going over the problems in my life and the arguments against me. Then, it will going to take up a lot of my time and going to take more time to finish this healing process. So, if you really need to read the problems in my life and arguments against me again. Then, read Introduction Part 01-09, Chapter 01, and "Emergency" section in Chapter 2 again.

I'm going to repeat what I already written on the problems in my life and the arguments against me as the following:

No feedback on my PTTS posts. No incomes on my PTTS posts. Also, I'm very confuse about my community on my PTTS posts.

The self-criticism and tormenting thoughts on: Why did I let this happen to me? What did I do that is so wrong?

I want to argues that I know writing about my history doesn't have to be like #1 and #2. Because my father, Chung Wun Lam wrote his autobiography book and there are reporters published his process on writing his autobiography book in the Newspaper. When he done writing it, he was able to print out 4,000 copies.

I Matter Versus I Don't Matter

I Matter: Appreciation on what I'm doing. No appreciation on what I'm doing. Trying to stop me on what I'm doing.

I Don't Matter: Nobody care about what I do.

I already been painstaking trying to get those points across to the world.

Strange And Stranger

In this content, the word, Stranger is an adjective.

Harvesting Rubber Trees: When I was riding the bus to the city, I saw miles of trees. Those trees are known as rubber trees. There is a bowl strapped around each tree. Those trees are dripping out liquid into those bowls. The liquid materials are used to make rubber. Harvesting miles of rubber trees to make rubber.

Growing Crops In the Farms: Once in a while, there are farmer(s) with their ox and wagon passed by my house. This mean there are farms close by.

Harvesting Rubber Trees and Growing Crops in the Farms is equivalent to my country-side have something to do with lands use to harvest natural resources.

The strange is if you are trying to chart my country-side, then you would ask the following questions: Is my country-side a refuge hideout? It is a restricted zone? It is a reservation zone? It is a rehabilitation zone?

As for the stranger, like I wrote in "How To Appreciate Something That Is Very Hard To Appreciate", how could the most beautiful and beloved baby be in a poor and not well developed country-side?

Anyway, me, my family, and the people in my country-side back then, around the 1990s, our country-side to us, we don't think it is strange and stranger.

Even though, it is a poor environment and not well developed. But, it is our home. Home mean a place we live our daily life.

Now, 2025 in the USA, looking back at the country-side of Vietnam during 1990s. I would argues our country-side to us is our daily life. Yes. I overheard my parents talking about it is a goal to able to immigrated to the USA. But, it is okay to talk about dreams and goals.

What I wanted to says I don't really hear the people in my country-side complain about the country-side is a poor. And, life is hard.

On the contrary, the people each day would find ways to appreciate life.

In the morning at around 7:00-8:00 AM, my family would have breakfast. The following are our regular breakfast:

[Regular Breakfast Begin]

The plain rice porridge is always the same in our regular breakfast. We would switch the dishes to go with the plain rice porridge. Those dishes are made to go with the plain rice porridge. Eating those dishes without the plain rice porridge would off balance your taste buds.

Cuisine style mustards recipe (brand-named recipe or family recipe)

Cuisine style bamboos recipe (brand-named recipe or family recipe)

Sour pickle mustard recipe. The sour pickle mustard recipe could be a dish alone. Or, could be use as ingredient to create other dishes.

Sour white-carrot (I don't know correct name) recipe. The sour white-carrot recipe could be a dish alone. Or, could be use as ingredient to create other dishes. To eat it alone, my parents would usually add some diced garlics, a little bit of lime juice, a little bit of monosodium, a little bit of sugar, and a little bit of soy-sauce. Sour white-carrot is the most affordable out of all the dishes.

Plain tofu. To eat it, my parents would usually add some diced garlics and pour soy-sauce over it.

Preserved bean curd recipe. Preserved bean curd recipe are usually jarred inside a jar. It alone have a very strong favor. In my country-side, we usually eat it alone. But, in the USA, when I'm self-teaching myself how to cook, I would use it to cook other dishes.

Canned soybean oil fish (I don't know the correct fish name). This dish is the most expensive out of all the dishes. Me and my siblings would argue about who get to use the can as a bowl. Because there is still a little of juice left on the can.

Cuisine style shredded pork. This dish is like a surprise. When my parents want to cheer me or my siblings up. They would sprinkle a little bit of it over our plain rice porridge. We usually would celebrated and thanked our parents for doing that.

Deep fried cake (I have to look up the name) recipe. In Chinese movies and TV Series, it is a tradition to eat deep fried cake with plain rice porridge. Example: In a traditional breakfast, there are always plain rice porridge and deep fried cake. In addition, there are 3-5 dishes to go with the plain rice porridge. Those 3-5 dishes don't have to be always the same.

My family breakfast don't always have deep fried cake. So, we see deep fried cake like another dish. Also, there are 2-3 dishes to go with the plain rice porridge.

There are more dishes. The ones I listed are an example of some of the dishes.

[Regular Breakfast End]

In the afternoon, at around 12:00-1:00 PM, my family would have lunch. The following are our regular lunch:

[Regular Lunch Begin]

In our lunch, the plain rice is always the same. Plain rice is different than plain rice porridge.

The dishes to go with the plain rice is also different than the dishes to go with the plain rice porridge.

Comparing breakfast and lunch. Breakfast is a healthier meal and lighter meal. The dishes have stronger favor. Lunch have more selection of dishes and heavier meal that focus on fullness.

Plain spinaches recipe dish. Ingredients: vegetable oil, diced garlics, salts, and monosodium.

Spinaches with shrimps recipe dish. The same with plain spinach recipe, but with added shrimps. My family usually have shrimps to go with spinaches. Other meat such beef, pork, chicken, and so on are for other dishes.

A range of different vegetables could have the same ingredients as plain spinaches recipe. Just know how to chop up those vegetable. Also, know the temperature of your stove and how long to cook those vegetables dishes. I usually cook the shrimps half way first. Then, toward the end, add those shrimps with those vegetables.

Each type of vegetables have their own dishes. Including knowing which vegetables to go with the type of meats.

My parents know more condiments (cooking ingredients) than me. Also, where to buy those condiments. Example: The following condiments are common to my parents: Cooking wines, dragon flours, and so on.

Most of the time, the lunch dishes included a soup dish. The following are some of the soup recipes: Sour tamarind seafood soup recipe. Fish and lime soup recipe. Sour preserved lime and pork soup recipe. Sour pickle mustards and pork soup recipe. Pork-stuffing bitter melon soup recipe. Beef and lime soup recipe.

The following are favorited lunch dishes: Stewed eggs and pork legs recipe. Ginger and frog recipe. Ginger and chicken recipe. And, so on.

My family regular lunch always have plain rice. Exceptions are when my parents made fried rice dish and/or fired noodle dish for parties and celebrations. There are 3-5 dishes to go with the plain rice. Those 3-5 dishes not always the same. Most of the time, there is a soup dish in the 3-5 dishes.

[Regular Lunch End]

In the evening, around 6:00-7:00 PM, my family would have dinner. The following our regular dinner:

[Regular Dinner Begin]

For management reasons, the leftover dishes from lunch could be use for the dinner dishes. In addition, my parents would want the family to eat the dinner dishes that not able to store overnight for the next day mealtime first.

Since dinner is the last meal before going to sleep. So, there are consideration on cooking the dinner dishes that for eating and then go to sleep.

I think the lunch dishes and dinner dishes are similar. Also, I think often my parents give me and my siblings dessert after dinner. A common dessert is chopped and/or peeled fruits.

The following is like my family regular lunch, but with 1 fewer dish than lunch dishes: My family regular dinner always have plain rice. There are 3-4 dishes to go with the plain rice. Those 3-4 dishes not always the same. Most of the time, there is a soup dish in the 3-4 dishes.

[Regular Dinner End]

There are times my father would use his camera to take pictures of the mealtimes. You could see the primitive and rawness of my country-side in those pictures. Example: My family use the living room table as the family dinning table for the mealtimes.

In addition, even though, me and my siblings just barely have enough foods to eat, but we really look forward to those mealtimes. So, we look really happy in those pictures.

Little things that became memorable memories. Me and my siblings arguing about who get to use the soybean oil fish can or sardine can as our bowl. The ones who get to have the can as bowl look really happy in those pictures.

Now, looking back. The emptied can only have a little bit of juice remain. So, only add a little bit favor to the plain rice. Yet, just that little bit favor added to the plain rice make us look so happy in those pictures.

My mother would carry the rice pot over to the dinning table and announced that the rice pot have got emptied. There is a little bit of crispy rice (burned rice) remain on the rice pot who want it?

Me and my siblings would argues out loud, "The crispy rice tasted better than the plain rice? Who doesn't want it?"

"Okay. Then, you guys would take turns on who get to have the crispy rice. So, who wanted first?" My mother would announced.

Now, looking back. The overheating on cooking the rice have created a little bit of burned rice that got stuck on the rice pot. Yet, me and my siblings fighting over those burned rice. It is supposed to be a chore to scrub off the burned rice on the rice pot became the crispy rice tasted very delicious.

Even though, we didn't complain about why we have to live in the poor country-side and just barely enough foods to eat. But, if someone purposely burned the rice to create the crispy rice. Then, there could be the argument that civilization is lacking understanding, common sense, living together, and so on.

Trash Collector And Recycle Business

Most of the time, I would sees children hoping on the wagon as the farmer(s) with their ox passed by. Then, after a short distance, those children would hope off the wagon.

Like I wrote in the "Strange And Stranger" section above, I think my country-side is a strange place.

Trash collectors would collect trashes/garbage. Then, they would separated those trashes into rubber/plastic, metal, and other recyclable materials. Those trash collectors been doing it for a long time, so they are familiar with it.

As for me and my older brother, Ho Hong Lam. Can I back up my image as the most beautiful and beloved baby in my country-side? Or, I only got the look, but I don't have what it take to have that image? Or, children are too unimportant to matter in my country-side?

Because Ho is my older brother, so he have to balance the older brother image and the most beautiful and beloved baby image.

[Found A Scrap of Metal Scenario Begin]

Me and Ho digging holes to catch crickets. While digging we found a scrap of metal from a bombshell. If we are trash collector, then we would know how to sell that scrap of metal for money.

In addition, trashes are sell in huge volume. Example: You don't sell one or multiple pieces of scrap of metal at a time. You sell a cart of metal at a time.

Me and him bring that scrap of metal to someone who is familiar with selling trashes business. This person is known as Entrepreneur1. Entrepreneur1 would probably give us a few of his pocket chains in his pocket for that scrap of metal. Or, he take that scrap of metal off our hands and doesn't give us anything in return. Maybe he felt bad about not giving us anything. He would quickly ran inside his house and grabbed a handful of peanuts. Then, handed those peanuts for us.

[Found A Scrap of Metal Scenario Begin]

In this scenario, there is the misunderstanding that peanuts have became money (currency). Or, back to the question above, children are too unimportant to matter in my country-side?

I would argues that I'm around 6-7 years old, so I don't have a lot of power in my country-side. Ho is 2 years older than me. So, he is 8-9 years old, so he doesn't have a lot of power in our country-side either.

Even though, me and him are children. But, I would argues I'm not going to throw away my image as the most beautiful and beloved baby and became the lost boys image.

So, I'm fighting against what happen if the most beautiful and beloved baby image destroyed me and him. And, me and him can't even becomes the lost boys image.

Me and him have found out about the following facts in our country-side while doing trading transactions: Raw green cashew nuts are use like money. The reason is raw green cashew nuts could be used to make gunpower. The gunpower are use to make bullets.

The theory is if you throw a raw green cashew nut into a campfire, it would create a small explosion in that campfire. This small explosion is lesser explosive than a firecracker.

In addition, me and him are children. Not scientists. So, we don't know how to make raw green cashew nut peels into gunpower. This mean after we gathered those raw green cashew nuts, we would trade them away.

If that person we traded it to use it to make gunpower. Then, he could gain power in our country-side.

Our country-side is close to the forest. So, me and him went into the forest. But, not too deep that we might get lost in the forest. Just deep enough to gather the raw green cashew nuts.

After we gathered about 2 handful of raw green cashew nuts, we return back to our country-side. On our way back, we talk about how much gunpower can 2 handfuls of raw green cashew nuts make?

Then, in a coffee shop in our country-side, me and him ask the coffee shop owner where can we sell the raw green cashew nuts?

The owner took out a weight machine from his kitchen. He told us to put our raw green cashew nuts on the weight machine. Then, he made us a offer. That offer is he would give us the normal rate for those raw green cashew nuts. Also, he would throw in a cup of coffee for free.

So, we go with that owner's offer. Outside the coffee shop, me and him shared that cup of ice coffee.

In the market place, we used the money we made to buy some fishing supplies. The following are other things we could buy in the market: If we buy a Top (Top is like a Yo-Yo toy), then we could join the Top competition. If buy some collectable cards, then we could use those collectable cards as "Ante" on the street games. Street games could be argued as gambling.

Even though, we know those fishing supplies are like toys. So, catching fishes will going to be hard. But, I think we have the following thoughts: What happen if caught fishes with our fishing supplies, would we traded in the market place or would we give those fishes to our parents?

Me and him have seen the rooster fight in our country-side before. There are usually a crowd gathered around the rooster fight. But, we think the rooster fight are for teenagers or adults.

So, me and him join the cricket fight. Even though, I have my own cricket also. But, I think he know about the cricket fight more than me. This mean I'm there because of him.

"So just trickle that tiny brush on the cricket's face and that cricket is ready to fight?" I would asked him.

Even though, I know the cricket fight involve the whole package. Knowing how to catch the crickets. Knowing the breed of crickets. Knowing how to get your cricket ready to fight with the tiny brush (make out of hairs). And, so on. I'm asking him that question to show that I still need more time before I have my cricket in a cricket fight.

After his cricket got into a few fights. Then, his cricket lost a fight. As me and him walking back to our house. We didn't say anything. But, I could tells he wanted to eat his cricket.

Yet, as me and him walking to our house, I have the following question: What if eating cricket is only talks?

Inside our house, me and him went straight to the stove in our kitchen.

"He wanted to cook it first." I thought to myself.

Then, he stuffed a peanut into his cricket and put it in the stove. After he pull his cricket out of the stove, he ate his cricket.

After seeing the peanut stuffing and cooking it in the stove. Eating cricket seem edible.

Now, looking back at some of things me and him do in our country-side could be argued as strange or weird. Yet, I would argues even though, it is hard to picture the most beautiful and beloved baby image in our country-side. But, we are children, so we don't have a lot of power to stop people from making us into lost boys.

Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness Part 11 continue in TM Game Tournament 12 Part 01.

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ptts2023 · 3 months ago

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TM GAME TOURNAMENT ANNOUNCEMENT 10 PART 07

Written By: Neng Hong Lam Date Written: April 09, 2025

Table of Contents: Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness Part 01 [I.] Recaps of the 5 High Priority In My Life [II.] Briefed Description On the PTTS [1.] Introduction A. Taking the First Step (Introduction Part 01) B. Being On The Same Page (Introduction Part 02) Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness Part 02 [2.] Introduction Continue A. My Situation Summarization (Introduction Part 03) B. Begging For Mercy (Introduction Part 04) C. Redemption (Introduction Part 05) Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness Part 03 [3.] Introduction Continue A. My Thoughts On the No Feedback (Introduction Part 06) B. Daily Tormenting Argument (Introduction Part 07)

My Thoughts On the No Feedback (Introduction Part 06)

It is easier for me to say I don't know why I have no feedback on my PTTS posts on tumblr.com starting on December 2016. Until now, April 2025.

I been thinking what if I started posting those PTTS posts as community services or free time. But, I started posting those PTTS posts, because I need help and my situation need attention.

If it is community services or free time, then I don't care about getting feedback or not.

I need help and my situation need attentions is like I'm begging for people to please leave me feedback(s).

On December 2016, those very first PTTS posts main focus is "Discretion". I would argues it is like reading the "Term And Agreement" policy documents. Or, reading the "Dictionary". People would argues there are "Term And Agreement" policy documents for everything. People doesn't read those "Term And Agreement" policy documents for everything they do.

I would argues 1. People would fall asleep or bored to death reading those "Discretion" documents (those very first PTTS posts). 2. People don't read those "Discretion" documents like people doesn't read the "Term And Agreement" policy documents.

Those very first PTTS posts are within weeks of time. Also, I made sure it is not too many pages. Then, on April 2017. I made those PTTS posts into a more readable format/formula. Also, I added homemade illustrations including self-illustrated and self-editing to those PTTS posts.

I'm begging for help. And, asking people to look at my situation. So, I would argues that the illustrated PTTS posts with exciting and entertaining topics could misunderstood as I'm making a lot of money and I'm living a luxury life.

Anyway, the illustrated PTTS posts with exciting and entertaining topics didn't get feedback also. Because I'm running and very scared, so I'm too scared to slow down. This mean I have to put it at: if I continue posting the PTTS posts, then after 1 or 2 years I would eventually get feedbacks.

This morning (04/09/2025) I wanted to change the name TRATCT (first tumblr account) to "PTTS 2016" for "Discretion" reasons. But, I can't log in, so I can't changed the name.

I'm changed "Versus System 2" (second tumblr account) to "PTTS 2023" for "Discretion" reasons.

I have no feedback on my PTTS posts for 9 years from 2016-2025 have made me constantly running and very scared. Also, my situation is very confusing.

Daily Tormenting Argument (Introduction Part 07)

To continue with the Daily Tormenting Argument in "Redemption (Introduction Part 05)". The argument is if I'm being tormented daily, then the following would happen to me: 1. The tormented daily would devastated my daily activities. 2. The tormented daily would create a lot of discouragements in my life. 3. The tormented daily would make my situation very confusing and upsetting. 4. People would argue it is hard to help out a person who is being tormented daily.

If you beat the odds and overcame your discouragements and people giving up on you. Then, there are high chances that your upsetting situation could made you so upset that you would do things that you would regret about for the rest of your life. And, your very confusing situation going to make you very confused all the time.

To make things worse, people arguing that you are a very lucky person. This argument would make your situation more confusing and more upsetting.

It is easier to argue back there are other things beside being tormented daily.

The early years and inferior background days. Life is tough. The inferior background would be hard for me to point out the following: Life is a very tough struggle. I have wishful thoughts that life don't have to be such a tough struggle. But, if I don't push myself. And, step up. Then, life would be even a tougher struggle. So, there are times to get through those very tough struggles. I would tells myself count my blessing. I'm better than the people in the orphanage, asylum, and jail.

Hating myself and upset at myself would only make my tormented life even more tormented.

Yet, even though, I have the gratitude to want to give back to my parents, because my parents gave birth to me and raised me. But, because I hated myself so much to be tormented daily. I wanted to blame my parents.

People would argue that I should be blaming my parents. If I don't blame my parents, then problems going to continue happen to me.

There are time when I'm very stress out. I would argues that my situation is very confusing. I needed to be my parents English language translator. In addition, I don't have the luxury to hate my parents, because I live in the same house as my parents. If I don't translate the English language for my parents, then my family including me don't have a place to live and don't have foods to eat.

If you ignore the very confusing and the very stress out. Then, you would sees that my family is just another family. Also, I don't tells my parents that I hated them even when I'm very upset at them. The argument is because I don't tells my parents I hated them, so people and my parents doesn't know that I hated my parents.

On the surface, my family seem to be doing okay. Also, my parents have me as their English language translator.

[Beneath the Surface Begin]

I would argues mother and father please don't be upset at me. Please don't make fun me. If you want I could take you to the public library. I could check out an English language tutor book for you. Just a suggestion.

I would continue to argues that if I could I would rather find positive things about living with my parents. Instead of finding ways to hate my parents. And, blame my parents.

One day, around 2007. On my side of the argument, I'm stress out and have a high fever because I been busy studying for my college classes midterm tests. On my parents side of the argument, I need a direction in life, so whatever I am doing is not important. Or, don't matter to my future.

My father told me to sit down with him for a few minutes. Just a few minutes. So, I sat down with him for a few minutes. He took out his autobiography book. So, immediately I started shaking my head. "Not this again." I would thought to myself.

"I don't have the time. Or, the connections. To help you with your autobiography book." I would mumbled in a low voice. So, he won't be offended.

"One day, if you manage to able to read this book. There are very meaningful concepts that will change your life. Why don't you do yourself a favor by doing something meaningful to yourself. By helping me translate this book from Chinese language to English language." He advised me.

I got out of my chair. Then, I said. "You said just a few minutes."

Then, I started walking away. "What if he is really genuinely and sincerely wanted to help me out?" I thought to myself. After that thought, I walk back to the living table. Then, I sat back down on the chair.

"Read me a chapter in that book. I wanted know what you wrote. Then, I will look into translating it from Chinese language to English language." I suggested to him.

He flipped through his autobiography book. To an event. On 1975. Then, he would told me that he would read part of it. And, interpreted what he wrote. So, I would have more detail about that event.

This is a long time ago. On 2007. Right now is 2025 (Around 18 years ago). So, I'm recalling what he read to me that day from my memory. Since it is a long time ago, so there are things that I could have forgotten or miss out on.

The following is what he read to me:

On 1975. The radio announced that the war have moved out of the country of Cambodia. The people in Cambodia are celebrating. The store owners could open back up their stores and do their business.

Him and his family wanted to move out of Cambodia, because the war is in Cambodia. After hearing the radio announcement about the war have moved out of Cambodia. So, he told his family about the good News. His wife, Sok Nghim Hoi which is my mother. Him and her had a daughter, Bun Hong San which is my older sister. And, a son who have passed away later on. (I think Bun and the son is only years old.)

While him and his wife is unpacking their bags. He heard knocking on the door. So, he went to open the door. When he opened the door. Some soldiers armed with machine guns rushed into his house. And, knocked him to the ground. Then, the soldiers started beating him. The beating have severely injured him. And, broke his bones in multiple places.

He stopped with his reading. Then, he asked me. If I want him to continue reading?

I would argues how I felt about my father. Is how people felt about me.

The argument is how could I believe him, I wasn't there? Also, I hated him. The same with the people, how could the people believe me, the people wasn't there? Also, the people hated me.

[Beneath the Surface End]

The reason I have to point out what happen "Beneath the Surface". Is because I wanted to point out the following argument: How I felt about my father is how people felt about me. Example: Like I wrote above, "The argument is how could I believe him, I wasn't there? Also, I hated him. The same with the people, how could the people believe me, the people wasn't there? Also, the people hated me."

In summary, I want this healing process to focus on the following: 1. I'm dealing with the daily tormenting argument in my life daily. 2. The things I was too discouraged to talk about during my childhood years, because of my inferior background. 3. The argument is how I felt about my father is how people felt about me.

I would argues even if people acknowledged what I wrote in Introduction Part 01-05 and this introduction, Introduction Part 06. Also, I got passed #1-3. There are many arguments, problems, and scenarios people could come up with that would stop me from continue with this healing process.

In addition, I have no time for even the little things in life. Such as a walk at the beaches or looking at the beautiful landscapes of San Diego. At the end, I'm still very disappointed at myself.

To stop self-criticism I would argues I'm not going last long being tormented daily and my situation is very confusing. Even if I somehow beat the odds and got pass it. I'm going to be very disappointed when I found that after my long and tough struggles, no one would acknowledge my achievements. No one would leave me any feedback on the PTTS posts I posted up at tumblr.com.

It is easier to says if I could I would rather have a career on what I do. Also, to be connected with San Diego. Or, at least know what is going on.

It is easier to argues that I have no power and no respect. Or, zero power and zero respect. Instead of pointing out the following: 1. I don't get incomes (paychecks from my employer) for posting up the PTTS posts at tumblr.com from 2016 until now, 2025. 2. I still have got any feedbacks for posting up the PTTS posts at tumblr.com from 2016 until now, 2025. 3. I don't know what is going. 4. I'm so embarrassed and disappointed at myself I couldn't be around my family members. 5. I felt like my mother criticize whenever she see me. 6. Everyday I'm so scared what if I can't even make my complain about my situation.

If I continue to dwell on the arguments, problems, and scenarios that would stop me from continue with this healing process. Then, I would be too discouraged to continue working on it. So, it have to come down to the following:

Are you genuinely and sincerely want to help me or nothing ever change? Example: People just going with what is going on. People just going with what is happening in the main stream.

Are you just like the people and the world just going with what is going on? Are you just like the people and the world just going with what is happening in the main stream?

Or you are just a bystander in the world and you don't have the power to help me?

"Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness Part 04" Continue on TM Game Tournament Magazine Announcement 11 Part 01.

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ptts2023 · 2 days ago

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TM GAME TOURNAMENT MAGAZINE ISSUE 15 ANNOUNCEMENT 07

Written By: Neng Hong Lam Date Written: June 23, 2025

Book 3: Dream of Country-boy Table of Contents: Introduction Chapter 01: 1996 Chapter 02: 1996-1997 Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness Part 43 Chapter 03 [1.] Hopes On Meeting Adam Maze Again A. Friendship Break Up B. How It All Stared Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness Part 44 Chapter 03 Continue [2.] I Told You So A. Does Your Embarrassment Know No Bound? [3.] Wishing On A Grave A. Attendant Monitor Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness Part 45 Chapter 03 Continue Mistake: B. History Versus Hollywood (From 2. I Told You So) A. Attendant Monitor (Continue) Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness Part 46 Chapter 03 Continue A. Attendant Monitor (Continue) B. 1998 School Picture Day Picture Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness Part 47 Chapter 03 Continue B. 1998 School Picture Day Picture (Continue) C. High Grade And Track Runner

1998 School Picture Day Picture (Continue)

Continue from where I left off.

A hour later, our family dinner begin. Our apartment is not that big. So, the dinning table only use for special occasions.

When it is meal time, my family would take out a wooden square box and place it in the living room. That is our dinning table. Me, Chung, Nghim, Bun, Lieng, Ho, and Du seated next to the dinning table.

"Father, I think my fever have went away." I told Chung.

Chung placed his hand on my forehead.

"Yes. The heat I felt on your forehead from before have cooldown. So, your fever did got better. Eat up, you would need your strength back. Your fever could still come back"

"Today is the last day for the carnival inside the PBMS campus. I thought since I'm feeling better, could you and mother take me to the carnival?"

"We thought your fever would make you have to lie on bed the whole day. I think able to eat dinner on the table is already very lucky. You might be too sick to go to the carnival." Ho concerned.

"Sometime it is the unthinkable that make the difference. Who would have guessed the inspiration and excitement from wanting to go to the carnival have uplifted your spirit and made your fever go away. Even though, it is hard to mix a little bit of fun with the world of pressures, but it seem this a little bit of fun would help you overcome your world of pressures.

Mon is still only 3 years old. So, you are the only family member having high grades at school. This mean you might be the first in the family to go to college or University. Your achievements at school bring wealth to the family. Me and your mother will take you to the carnival right after dinner." Chung said.

After dinner, Chung and Nghim took me to the carnival.

It doesn't take a student with high grades to see the following, Dysfunctional Family Conspiracies:

[Dysfunctional Family Conspiracies Begin]

The blames are Chung and Nghim are bad parents. So, their children are lost, misguided, and don't have a direction in life. As for their children, their children blaming them for being bad parents.

In addition, I didn't know that my fever is created by the world of pressures. And, got killed by the pressures and I'm buried in a grave. Carved on a grave, "The son that have high hopes."

[Dysfunctional Family Conspiracies End]

"My family is different than the Dysfunctional Family Conspiracies. It is not worth it getting kill by the world of pressures for no reason. The argument is I'm so busy study all the time. I don't know what is spending time with family and fun activities. So, I'm still at my apartment studying. The carnival is so far away. I have to stop dwelling on the concerns so much.

I will keep it at: Even though, my family barely have enough money to buy foods for the family. Yet, my parents still spending some money to take me the carnival." I thought to myself.

Inside the carnival, Chung bought me some Ride Tickets. He told me if I need more Ride Tickets, then he will buy more for me. After we walked around the carnival for a bit. I saw the Giant Slide ride.

"Father and mother, the Giant Slide ride look like very fun. I'm going to ride it." I told them.

"Okay, son. But, earlier today you had a fever. So, be careful." Chung replied.

My fever didn't went away. I'm just pretending, because I think my family is sad enough to have to deal with the adversities and bad lucks all the time. So, I don't want them to give up fighting against the adversities and bad lucks because of my fever.

After I rode the Giant Slide the first time. I step away from my parents and the crowd of people. I threw up in a trash can, because of my fever. Nobody saw me threw up. Then, I walked back to my parents.

"Father and mother, the Giant Slide is really fun. I could ride it all day. So, I'm going to ride it a few more times." I called over to them.

"Okay, son. But, don't forget about your fever." Chung replied.

"Be careful, son." Nghim replied.

After I rode the Giant Slide 5-6 times, I decided to try other activities. While I'm busy on the Giant Slide, Chung and Nghim have bought me a a bag of popcorn and a cotton candy. Chung handed me the bag of popcorn and Nghim handed me a cotton candy.

Those are delicious carnival treats. Even having fever I still want to eat them, but I decided to eat it later.

"Father and mother could you guys wrap up the popcorn and cotton candy and bring it home. I'll eat it later. I ate a lot during dinner." I told them. Then, I tore off a huge piece of cotton candy from the cotton candy while Nghim is still holding it.

My parents asked the popcorn stand for a paper bag. They put the cotton candy in the paper bag.

"Son, the last weeks of time watching you constantly studying so hard without leaving the study room much. Then, watching you coming down with a fever while study. We thought we were going to loose you. Glad to see you running around and having fun." Chung said.

"Father and mother, the carnival is so much fun. I'm glad you guys took me here. Also, I already calculate all the expanses we have spent in the carnival. I'll help us watch our family budgets/expanses." I replied.

It is hard to deny that coming to the carnival or having a little bit of fun helped me overcame the world of pressures.

"I'm not the sore loser or over competitive type of person who constantly studying non-stop and neglecting about everything else. I think it is more on my family having high hopes on me. The reason my family have high hopes on me is because they want to have a little of hope to help them fight against the adversities and bad lucks that keep happening to our family." I thought to myself.

I started having a flashback. The people at the PB beach is criticizing Jeremy for wearing flipper while riding the waves. "What is going on? No one see me. How did anyone saw me wearing flippers? Maybe people might see my older brother, Eddy. Because when I get older I'm going to be like him." Jeremy thought out loud.

I return from that flashback. Maybe it is true I'm the only person who saw Jeremy wearing flippers, because he was sitting next to me in the computer class. It is the same for me? No one see me. It is all in my head.

Computer and flipper are tools. If you know how to use them, then they could be very useful to you. But, to the beginner swimmer, swimming is already hard enough. Having problem with swimming would make swimming with flipper much harder.

The sooner I accept the adversities and bad lucks in my life. The better it will be for me and my family. Even if accepting mean that I have to say, "Yes. I don't have what it." Or, "Yes. I'm a total loser."

But, I owe it to the Empty Handed Combat league that made me became a champion. And, Adam Maze who have shown me friendship.

To practice some basketball, so one day I could tell Adam, "I know how to play basketball now." And, in secrecy study hard at school, so that one day I could say, "I talk to a girl before."

On February 1998, if you have a look at me, then you would understand why I said those things above. My school uniforms and PE clothes are handed down to me from my siblings. 2 times. Lieng handed down to Ho. Then, Ho handed down to me. School uniforms is okay, because I get to have multiple school uniforms. But, I only have 1 PE shirt and 1 PE short. The shirt is wore out, tore, and stained. A bit too small for me. Also, it is white color. You can't see the short as much as the shirt. Because it is blue color and it is below my waist. But, it is still a bit too small for me.

So, on February 1998, I told myself the following: "There is a fund crisis in my family, so my family can't buy me school uniforms and PE clothes. This mean my family definitely can't buy my school pictures."

So, during February 1998 School Picture Day, I wore my wore out, tore, and stained PE clothes. Also, too small for me. To take my picture.

The line coordinator and photographer would ask me, "Son, could you put on something else, it is picture day?"

"My family is having fund crisis, so my parents is not going to buy my school picture." I answered.

Coincidentally, despite I'm wearing wore out, tore, and stained PE clothes. Also, too small for me. But, that school picture is my most good looking picture. So, I was able to convinced my parents to buy a package of that picture. (1 12" by 8" and 4 3" by 2")

After that School Picture Day, I told myself to suck it up. And, don't give up on myself.

Despite Steve upside-down history. Between me and him. He could talk with girls. He have girlfriend. And, he go to the PBMS dance regularly.

So, suck it up and tell him to help me out. By introduce me to the school dances and talking with girls. School dances first.

I should know him by now. He is constantly looking for an opportunity to make fun of me. This mean he is not going to let this one go. So, I need to come up with a plan. And, a backup plan just in case.

Jack making fun of himself by doing strip dancing in front of the class. By taking off his clothes. Then, touching his nipples. The thick skin and embarrassment have no limit. Steve's jokes is at the same level as Jack's jokes. But, if I'm with Steve, then he would drag me into his jokes by making fun of me.

This mean asking him for help could become he is making fun of me. That is why I need to suck it up and ask him for help.

But, there is a small problem. My plan and backup plan could only help me. There could be bystanders getting hurt.

I didn't intended for the bystanders to get hurt. I really need to suck it up and ask him for help.

The plan is I would give him an extra donut for a whole week.

The backup plan is it is my class's extra credit to go to the school dance.

One day, I decided to talk about the school dance with him.

"Steve, I heard you and your sister, April go to the school dance regularly. I was just thinking maybe if I could tag along with you both.

Anyway, you were saying about 1 donut a day is not enough. I mean you did told me you would buy donut from me like the other students. But, since we are friend and hang out all the time. So, most of the time, I don't charge you money on the first donut I gave you. I would give you an extra donut a day for a week if you take me to the school dance with you."

"It is the school dance. It is suppose to be a time to have fun. You don't have to feel nervous about it. So, me and April don't mind if you want to come along with us."

"Are you sure about this? Do you want to check with April first?"

"Just relax and have a good time at the dance. April don't mind you coming along with us."

"What should I wear to the dance?"

"You could wear anything former to the dance. Wearing the school uniform is okay also."

"Where should we meet up?"

"On the steps close to the cafeteria. Just relax and have fun."

"You already told me to just relax and have fun 2 times. I think I get it."

"This is going to be something. Neng, first dance."

"Come on. Be serious. I'm giving you an extra donut a day for a week."

"Alright, alright. If you feel nervous. Then, you don't have to dance. Just stand to the side of the dance floor."

"I really appreciate that you and April are taking me with you guys to the dance."

Me and him shook hand.

In my apartment, I started having thoughts about the dance.

"This might be a chance for me to not give us on myself. More or less, if the dance go well and Steve and April would take me with them whenever they are going to the school dance. Then, I would have a good chance of talking to a girl at the dance. Or, Steve or April would introduce me to a girl at the dance. First thing first. What am I going to wear to the dance? Who is going to teach me the basic of dancing, Steve or April?

I think I have told myself to relax and not feel nervous many times. Because during PE class, when Steve is making fun of me in front of the class. I would fight back and put him in a headlock.

But, the school dance is not the PE class. I'm not going to take any chances. So, the backup plan is if I felt that Steve is going to make fun of me, then I would leave the dance. I would explained to Steve and April the next day that the school dance was an extra credit for my class. So, I think I'm okay without the extra credits that is why I left the dance." I thought to myself.

My parents don't often buy me new clothes. But, my parents did bought me a collar shirt and pant for special occasions. I either wear my school uniform or I wear that special occasion clothes. So, I decided to wear the special occasion clothes.

After I waited for about 5-10 minutes at the meet up spot, Steve show up by himself.

"Where April?" I asked him.

"She will meet up with us during the dance. Look at you. All dress up for the dance."

"Come on, Steve. Be serious. If you are joking around with me, then going to the dance is a bad idea. I don't need to go to the dance. You and April could continue going to the dance, regularly."

"I mean seriously look at you. Didn't I told you you could wear your school uniform to the dance?"

"Alright, alright. The dance is starting in a few minutes. I can't go back to my apartment and change my clothes."

"You will stand out wearing those clothes."

"So far I haven't felt that you are not making it easier for me to go to the dance with you and April. What I'm trying to say is I'm feeling awkwardness about the dance."

"Come on. It is obvious. I'm not going to say help me out. As for Steve, I have stop him from making fun of me in front of the class every time. Most of the time, I would put him in a headlock. Putting him in a headlock look like I'm making fun of him. So, it look like I been making fun of him. What if he used this opportunity to make fun of me?" I thought to myself.

"Here is the plan. I would take you to the take dance floor. Then, I'm going to look for April. Then, me, you, and April would meet up at the dance floor." He told me his plan.

"Steve and Manuel ran away from fighting against Marlin after they agree that they would help me fight against Marlin. Now, it is his revenge, because he is going to make me as the coward who ran away from the dance. I should see this coming. Yet, I thought because me and him are friend and been hanging out, he might introduce me to the school dance." I thought to myself.

I gave him a look. "Should I put him in a headlock right now. Because at the dance floor, I can't put him in a headlock." I thought to myself.

"Well, what you think about my plan?" He asked me.

"Just do me a favor. When this is over. I would appreciate it if you don't talk too much about it like your regular talks." I answered.

"So much for the introductory." I thought to myself.

"Yeah, like I would let this one go." He replied.

"For starter. Let get to the dance. Before I get blamed for making you and April late to the dance."

When we got to the dance floor. He quickly point out some of the things I should know about the dance floor. Then, he went to look for April.

I could hear the loud music on the background. "Brass Monkey - Beastie Boys" and "Sabotage - Beastie Boys"

The students are wearing school uniforms and regular clothes.

A student came up to me. "I like the Beastie Boys songs. Are you a fan of the Beastie Boys?" Male Teenager1 asked me.

"The dance barely started. I'm going to chill for a minute. And, grab myself a fruit punch drink at the beverage stand. So, excuse me." I answered.

It is not really a beverage stand. It is just a container filled with fruit punch beverage. I grab a cup and I got a cup of fruit punch from the container. When I saw Steve and April from a distance. I hurried drank it and toss that emptied cup into the trash can.

When they got next to me. April is with an ugly special education female student. Then, April told me to dance with that ugly special education female student.

I'm shocked at what is going on.

"Hey you! Over there." I called out to Male Teenager1.

"I'm going to check what is up with that guy. I'll meet up with you guys." I said in a hurry. Then, I hurried away from them. When Steve and April are out of my sight, I used the back door and got out of the dance floor.

Just as I have predicted. Steve got his revenge. He made me ran away from the dance. That person April is with is a bystander. I didn't intended to hurt that bystander by criticized her as ugly. Because I don't even know her. Like I was saying, my plan and backup could only help me. I didn't intended to hurt any bystander.

Yet, deep down, I'm still not ready to give up on myself. This mean I'm looking for opportunity to make up for happen at the school dance.

One Saturday morning, as usual, me and Steve would hang out at the Crown Point park basketball court and play basketball.

On a pole, I saw a 3-on-3 Basketball League flyer.

"Hey check this out! According to this flyer. In months of time, this whole park going to be 3-on-3 basketball league competition." I called out to him.

"Yeah. No kidding. They posted up that flyer all over the whole park."

He picked up one of the flyers on the ground. Then, he crumbled up into a ball. And, he shoot into the trash can.

"He shoot and he score."

"This is it. My redemption for the school dance incident. I'll put together a team and redeem myself." I thought to myself.

"So, what are we suppose to do during the 3-on-3 basketball league season, when the whole park is occupied? Going back to CPES campus basketball court?" I thought out loud.

"We could check it out." He suggested.

"I'll check it out for sure." I mumbled. Then, I picked up a flyer on the ground.

Later on, I followed the direction on that flyer and went Online to the 3-on-3 basketball league website. I printed out 6 application forms. I only need 5. I printed 1 extra just in case.

The following are the league rules:

[Rules Begin]

Each team need 4 players. 3 players will be in a half basketball court playing against their opponent team (3 players). 1 player will be in the bench.

Each team may call out 5 time out in each game. Each time out have to be 3 minutes or less. Each team may only have 3 switches. The switch is switching the player in the game for the player in the bench. Also, the switch could only be done during a time out call.

Only the team captain (or team manager) could call out the time out. Also, in each game, the team captain have to check in with the sign-in coordinator. Talk with the ref. And, talk with the opponent team's team captain.

The cost is each player have to pay a $20 fee. When you pay the $20, you get a free 3-on-3 basketball league T-Shirt.

[Rules End]

My friend, Rubin Compos would read those rules to me. He is at a higher English Reading level than me. In our circle of friends, Rubin know more about the official basketball rules than the other students. Example: Even though, we play basketball all the time. But, the argument is our basketball games is different than the official basketball games.

Then, Rubin would read all the requirement written on the application form to me on how to put together a team.

"Rubin, you are meant to be our team, team captain." I told him.

"Have you watched a NBA league basketball game before?" He asked me.

"What you mean?"

"Slam Dunk. Shouting. Attitude. There are times even fights break out in the court."

He would do a lion roar sound and make himself look like he is out of control.

"You have to be mean. Or, toss those application forms into the trash can."

"Does this mean you will be our team captain?"

He slapped those application forms out of my hands.

"First you have to be mean."

I didn't say anything back. And, pick up those application forms that got knocked out of my hands.

"Like sheeps to the slaughters. What is the point of playing when we know we are going to get slaughtered?"

"The sheep that got confused as a lion. Forget it." I mumbled. Then, pick up all the application forms on the ground.

I walked over to the trash can. As I about toss those forms into the trash can, I stopped myself.

"What a waste of papers." I mumbled. Then, I puts those forms into my backpack.

The next day, on the Lunch Break, me, Rubin, and 3 other students is in the same team. Against a team of 5 other students.

I scored around 30 points. Rubin scored around 15 points. The opponent team scored 0 point.

Rubin gave me a high five.

"Are you changing your mind about the team captain?"

He started roaring like a roar. He knocked an opponent team blocker to the ground. Then, he scored the point.

He started roaring again.

He step in front of an opponent team player. And, shouted at that player's face. "You all got nothing on me!"

Then, he started taunting all the players in the opponent team.

"You guys score 0 point! How pathetic is that!" He taunted all those players.

I shook my head and started walking away from him. He hurried over to me.

"Neng, like I was saying you have to be mean. Come on hit me." He taunted me. He got into a boxing stand by putting his fists in front of him and taunting me to hit.

"Cut it out, Rubin. I think you already did a lot of taunting. The crowd of students is watching you."

He made a few punches at me. I dodged and blocked those punches.

"Come on, the crowd of students is watching. Punch me back."

I think his joke is getting a bit out of hand. Then, all of a sudden, he landed a punch on my face.

"Yeah! Did you guys see that! That is how you fight!" He said to the crowd of students.

I put him in a headlock.

All of a sudden, the crowd of students gathered up around us.

He struggling very hard to get out of the headlock. He backed into the metal fence. So, my body would hit against the metal fence.

"Don't make put more pressure into the headlock. Say uncle. And, I'll let you go."

He used his hand to tap the metal fence multiple times. At the same time, he would said, "Uncle... uncle..."

I let go of him. And, started walking away from him.

"Now for sure he doesn't want to be the team captain." I thought to myself.

But, the next day, he told he be the team captain.

I would argues that because I been playing basketball with Steve every Saturday, so I know how to play basketball. But, because I'm only 13 years old, so I don't have the powers and connections to know what is going on. As for Rubin, he think you have to be mean.

In addition, I think he could talk to the sign-in coordinators, refs, parents, and team captains.

The other 2 players are Steve Decker and Manuel Delgado.

The argument is to put together the 4 players team, I have sold my soul to the devil. Because I don't care about the criticism that I don't have what it take to put together a team.

In addition, a person who have sold his soul to the devil is a soulless person. An embarrassed person who have no place in the society.

But, I have a circle of friends. And, I have a place in the PBMS campus.

All of a sudden, while Mario Sanchez is playing a soccer game in the basketball court. He kicked the basketball at me. The basketball hit my lung. And, knocked the oxygen out of my lung.

I fell to the ground holding my stomach. Many students gathered around. Then, Mario picked me up from the ground.

"After me and Mario Sanchez hang out in my 1997 Birthday Party, I felt like I haven't seen him in the PBMS campus. Right now, he is picking me up from the ground." I thought to myself.

"I'm okay." I told him. Then, me and him gave each other a hug like in the past.

Maybe this is how selling your soul to the devil feel like.

High Grade And Track Runner

After the 3-on-3 basketball league, I see that the life on PBMS campus is very confusing. Not important. And, nobody care about it.

After I redeemed myself in the 3-on-3 basketball league, I decided to use a portion of my fund and bought myself a brand new PE shirt and PE short.

Even though, it is just regular PE clothes, but it felt more than just wearing regular PE clothes.

I would look at my February 1998 School Picture Day picture again. I'm wearing my worst clothes. But, that picture is my most good looking picture.

In addition, in an International Auction House, because I like the "Darkstalkers 3" Cover Art so much, would I trade my February 1998 School Picture (12" by 8") for the original painting of the "Darkstalkers 3" Cover Art? I like both pictures. But, the picture of me is me. The picture of "Darkstalkers 3" is a picture that able to express the sadness in my life. So, how important am I or am I just a good looking face? As for "Darkstalkers 3", won't I help myself first? Also, how many official printing of "Darkstalkers 3" Cover Art have printed out?

"Even though, it was a hectic experience. But, I didn't gave up on myself. So, I didn't disappointed myself for having a natural good looking face." I thought to myself.

Coincidentally, around September 1998, Brenda transferred to PBMS campus. She is in my PE class and Period 7 class. She also have a very good looking face.

One good looking face already created all that hectic experience.

Me and her would make eye contact before the role-call. That eye contact is equivalent to we know that we have the most good looking faces in our class. But, who else care about it?

"I couldn't even tell anyone I talked with Kelly before. I probably won't have a chance to go to the school dance again. As for Brenda, maybe this time if I study hard enough, I won't have time to feel sad. Or, thinking about her." I thought to myself.

Yet, during each PE class meets, me and her made eye contact at least 1 time.

I would make sure the students won't copy Steve and try to make fun of me in front of the classroom. So, I would show those the students Empty Handed Combat moves.

I would argues in Brenda's eye me and those students are still children playing around. But, it is better than those students making fun of me in front of the classroom in front of Brenda.

Even though, I vibe the following argument: Brenda is in the same class as me have created pressures in my life. But, I'm glad she is in my class.

It is like I could tell there will only be bad ending. And, sad memories. Yet, there are thoughts that I will go beyond making eye contact with her.

The argument is she will make the first move, so I could stop feeling sorry for myself.

After I finish first multiple times on the jogging exercise, she asked if I want to be her jogging partner.

The jogging exercise with her is like a very sad movie. A long the way on the track, I constantly making sure we both have a steady pace. At the same time, I'm tackling and throwing Steve and the other students to the ground. Also, making sure me and her doesn't fall behind on the track.

"I would make the first move... fill in the blank."

The sadness make me just want to focus on high grades and track runner by studying hard and have no time to feel sad.

I usually don't share my grade report cards with anyone in the Period 7 class. Period 7 class is the class that you get your grade report cards during the end of each grading period. When she is in my Period 7 class, I would make sure to don't share my grade report cards even more.

To do so I step away from the class or step out of the classroom during sharing grade report cards.

I would deny that I'm daydreaming about having constructive talks with her.

One day, she step away from the class and sat next to me during sharing grade report cards.

"You just can't beat the pressures. My method is I don't look at my grade report card and jam it into my backpack." I thought to myself.

"Could I see your grade report card?" She asked me.

I took my report card out of my backpack and handed to her.

"Could I see your grade report card?" I asked her.

She handed her report card to me.

After we look through each other report cards, we handed back to each other.

"High five for having good grades, I guess." I mumbled.

Me and her gave each other a high five.

"I was thinking of saying something funny like what if all the classes is like the PE class. But, seriously would I have made the first move if I could?" I mumbled.

"You might feel crappy about everything. But, I think it is okay if we both appreciate our good grades."

"For what it is worth: When you just transferred into the PE class, I was hoping I was the first person you made eye contact with.

You are right about feeling crappy about everything. Yet, I was hoping that we could go beyond making eye contact. I don't know if that make any sense."

"For what it is worth: You might not noticed. When you were busy with your problems on the jogging exercise. I did wanted to tell you I would wait for you."

"How could I noticed? I already feel crappy about everything. Letting you wait for me I would feel even more crappy about everything."

"It is a nice chat. I have to get back."

"Yeah. Off course."

To Be Continue...

"Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness Part 48" continue in TM Game Tournament Magazine Issue 15 Announcement 08.

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ptts2023 · 18 days ago

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TM GAME TOURNAMENT MAGAZINE ISSUE 14 ANNOUNCEMENT 07

Written By: Neng Hong Lam Date Written: June 07, 2025

Table of Contents: Book 1 Book 2 Introduction Chapter 01: 1992-1994 Chapter 02: 1992-1994 Chapter 03: 1993-1995 Chapter 04: 1993-1995 Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness Part 34 Chapter 05 [1.] Sacrifice Versus the Fruit of Knowledge A. President of USA B. Not Ignoring the Pains Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness Part 35 Chapter 05 Continue B. Not Ignoring the Pains (Continue) [2.] CPES Basketball Team Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness Part 36 Chapter 05 Continue [2.] CPES Basketball Team (Continue) [3.] My Thoughts On Games Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness Part 37 Chapter 05 Continue [3.] My Thoughts On Games (Continue) [4.] CPES Gratulation Party

My Thoughts On Games (Continue)

Continue where I left off.

Like I wrote in Book 1, I have nightmares during my sleeps and I'm haunted by ghosts during the nighttime in Sand Be Vietnam. When my father is on his Hong Kong trips, my mother would sleep me, Ho, and Du. There are nights, the nightmares would make me cried and can't go back to sleep. So, she would comfort me back to sleep.

When my father is not on his Hong Kong trips, she would let me sleep with her and my father. On their bed.

It is very hard for me to picture me biting my mother's nipple until her nipple is bleeding. Example: I was very glad to have a mother who would comfort me back to sleep after the nightmares have made me cried and can't go back to sleep. In addition, if her other sons is like me, then she probably won't able to have some sleep. Because she have to comfort her other sons to sleep also.

The way I see it. My father's painful lesson mean that I have to step up to manage my life.

Math games including chess could be argued as entertainment (fun activities and leisure activities) and/or rewarding activities.

But, if you are as good as Chung on playing Chinese Chess, then math games including chess could be argued as a career. Example: Playing games including chess to make a living. A career in developing games.

I didn't ignore that Mrs. Mullenix gave me prizes for winning the math games. Students gave me praises for winning the math games. Also, I have the most wins among all the students in her class and I have beat all the students in her class. But, I didn't says I'm as good as Chung on playing Chinese Chess.

What I'm trying to says is I need more evidences to says I'm as good as Chung on playing Chinese Chess. Beating all the students in math games in Mrs. Mullenix's class is not enough evidences.

As for Todd, he is a teacher. So, it is different than winning against the students in Mrs. Mullenix's class.

But, Chung have beat Chinese Chess players who have higher rank than Todd. Since Todd is still practicing how to play chess. If you see chess as Chinese Chess. Then, Todd would lose to Chung in Chinese Chess, because Chung is a Chinese Chess champion.

Thinking too much about it would lead to the following argument:

[Begin]

I'm telling myself and pushing myself to train very hard. The hard training will make me becomes a champion in the future. In addition, people will know my name. And, I will be rich and famous.

But, after the pushy promise and very hard training. I became a poor and infamous person. People don't know my name. And, I'm a loser and nobody. I'm so upset at myself I would bite my mother's nipple until her nipple is bleeding.

[End]

Instead of thinking too much about it. I see me versus Todd in a chess game as a coincidence.

When I got to Todd's apartment. I rang his door's bell. He opened the door. He told me to make myself comfortable like it is my home.

As I'm making myself comfortable in his apartment, he told me he been playing against the Chess Master Electronic portable chess game for the last few days to hone his chess skill.

Like I wrote above, I see me versus Todd in a chess game as a coincidence.

Cool portable chess game electronic. This mean if you set the difficulty on the highest difficulty, then it is like you are playing against the world famous chess champion.

Well, that could be true. I'm only setting at the beginner level. I'm already having a hard time winning.

For some reasons I rather play against a person than against electronic device. But, I didn't tell him that.

After he done playing against the electronic. Me and him got into a chess game.

Because he is having a hard time winning against the electronic. So, if I play like the electronic, then I have a high chance of winning. Electronic's moves have lesser risks. This mean if I don't take risks on my moves, then I have a high chance of winning.

After many moves, I made a checkmate move and won the game.

"I just started self-taught myself how to play chess not that long ago. You just started playing chess not that long ago. So, we are about at the same level."

"It is written on the cover of the chess box. Chess is a game about skill. Not luck. So, I don't think you got lucky. Be happy. Congratulations. You are good at playing chess."

After a quick chat, I left his apartment.

To the world, I'm an inferior ESL student with immigrant status. Only me and him know that I could play chess.

Before my cousins, Sandy, Vin, and Thai move out of our the apartment complex building. They use to have a "Connect Four" board game. I remember each time I play "Connect Four", I would win. So, I should save my money to buy a "Connect Four" board game for now. Come back to chess when I'm older.

After I was able to save some money, I didn't buy a chess set. I bought a "Checker" set and a "Connect Four" board game.

After I got many victories on "Connect Four" and "Checker". I would open up and not afraid to talk about the playing card custom during Chinese New Year. Because it is consider as gambling. The following are the reasons: On Chinese New Year, it is a tradition for the adults to give red envelope with money inside to the children. In Sand Be Vietnam, on Chinese New Year, it became a custom to play "Playing Cards" games. Because the children have red envelopes with money, so the "Playing Cards" games is playing for the red envelope's money.

Because of the Chinese New Year "Playing Cards" custom, so me and my siblings became good at math games, "Playing Cards" games, and games in general. For some reasons, people only talk about my father is a Chinese Chess champion. Instead of talking about chess and Chinese Chess. That is why I secretly self-taught myself how to play chess.

In addition, from my observation on the Chinese New Year "Playing Cards" custom, if you are the house, then most of the time you would win more than you lose. But, to be a house, you need to be skillful at dealing cards. Make sure people don't cheat. And, have enough money to cover all the bets from the players.

This custom is in Sand Be Vietnam. Sand Be is a country-side. It is so far away. Also, country-side. This mean the argument is no one heard of this custom before. So, whenever I'm explaining about this custom I felt like I'm talking to myself.

Because of the laws against gambling, so I felt that it is ethical and modern for me to explain about this custom. The misunderstanding is people think I'm becoming like Marc bragging (boasting) about how good I am at math games and "Playing Cards" games. But, Marc's spelling bee competition first place and math competition first place is different than the math games and "Playing Cards" games. The misunderstanding would create problems and confusions in my life.

This mean I'm taking risks by I'm going through the troubles to explain about the Chinese New Year "Playing Cards" custom. But, instead of ethical and modern, the misunderstanding is creating more problems and confusions in my life.

The argument is I'm hustling people by saying I'm only a beginner chess player. Then, during the chess game, I know how to use famous chess moves that only advance chess player know how to use.

I keep it at: I didn't intended, but playing chess have to be a secret.

To move on with my life, I would argues we only live life once. Have family night out with your family. Hang out with your friends. And, play on the playground activities and grass field activities with your family and/or friends. To create happy memories. So, you have memories to look back. Stop thinking too much about the math games, chess, Chinese Chess, and games in general.

CPES Gratulation Party

This is the last section for Book 2. I'm going to wrap up Book 2 in this section. I would argues I could look for more events during this period of time, but I have already covered most of the important events.

What I wanted to says is the happy memories made me have a hard time moving out of CPES campus. Also, to me and the regular students, CPES campus is like our second home.

Coincidentally, getting close the gratulation party (June 1996), my older brother, Ho Hong Lam came to visit me in the CPES campus.

"The CPES playground must look small comparing to the PBMS playground. There are only a few changes after you left." I told him.

More or less, I was hoping he doesn't tell me to forget about the CPES campus and get ready for the PBMS campus. So, I'm trying to make it seem like CPES campus still having something worth staying.

He told me he will race me in the new "Race Track". I replied with even though, it is only a few painted lines on the playground. But, it is a noticeable race track.

Even though, during my third grade, Mrs. Garrey think Alex's running have form and structure. But, I would argues I could out run him. If I beat him on running, then I'm the fastest runner in the CEPS campus.

Because Ho is my older brother, so I didn't keep track who won in the race. After me and him have 2 races. A fat boy, Fatso (I don't know his name) wanted to pick a fight with us.

I told Ho. I handle it by myself. This shouldn't be happening.

"Alright, Fatso. Since you are so fat. I'll give you free punches at me first. I won't fight back."

Fatso made many punches at me. I dodged all his punches.

Then, I started making a punch at him at a time. During each punch I would tell him, "I'm over here."

Then, he started crying. Shamar Banks and Fatso are the only 2 students that I have made cried in a fight.

I think that scene happen is because Ho is in the campus.

I ended the fight. I told Fatso the fight is over. He could stop crying.

There are still fights to be fought. But, I did hope Ho didn't have to see that fight.

Even though, I'm touring him around the CPES campus and he already know about the CPES campus. But, my actions is saying I need him to tour me around the PBMS campus. Because I'm going to PBMS campus soon. Yet, he is my older brother he would watch over and tour me around the PBMS campus.

On June 1996, before the gratulation party, all the fifth graders (Class 96) decided to go on a field trip, "The Wave" water park, together.

The first time me and my family went to the Belmont Park, amusement park. I was very happy and had a lot of funs. Even though, I only rode a few rides.

In the "The Wave", I could ride all the rides as many times as I wanted. Also, those rides are much more fun.

In addition, it is a hot Summer day. Because all the rides is in the water. Staying in the water make you stay cool from the hot day. So, staying in water the whole day add more fun.

The Wave: The Wave is the main pool. The giant pool wrap around the water park in a circular shape. The reason it is called the Wave is because the giant pool have currency like the wave in the beach. The currency make the giant pool more than just a giant pool. Example: You could sit in a round rubber tube and the currency would take you around the giant pool.

The rides are like giant slides. Slide inside a long tube. Sitting on a round rubber tube and slide down a long slide. And, so on. Most the rides end at the main pool, "the Wave".

The combination: The fun and excitement from the rides. And, staying in water the whole time to stay cool from the hot Summer day.

That combination made me felt like I live in a fantasy world that is filled with water.

To go with this fantasy world, I pictures all the rides and the currency in the main pool is not operated by machinery. But, by supernatural power.

Because of the fantasizing, so the whole time I felt like I'm in a fantasy world and the supernatural beings (gods) are watching over me and controlling where I should go by creating currency and rides.

With or without the fantasy, I still have a lot of fun. It is much better than going to the beach and ride the wave.

By the time I'm taking the school bus back to the CPES campus, I'm exhausted by the activities in the Wave water park. Inside the school bus, I put on my sunglasses, so people can't tell if I fall asleep.

Coincidentally, a CPES staff told me when I put on my sunglasses, I look like the Terminator from the movie, "Terminator 2: Judgement Day". Another CPES staff would add something like I look cool in sunglasses.

I see it as a positive thing such as the staffs think I look cool in sunglasses.

On the day before gratulation, all the fifth graders (Class 96) decided to have a picnic and recreation activities and games in the Crown Point park to celebrate the gratulation.

On the gratulation day, the staffs and students decided to have a baseball game. The game is the students versus the staffs.

This is the end of Book 2.

"Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness Part 38" continue in TM Game Tournament Magazine Issue 14 Announcement 08.

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ptts2023 · 26 days ago

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TM GAME TOURNAMENT MAGAZINE ANNOUNCEMENT 14 PART 02

Written By: Neng Hong Lam Date Written: May 30, 2025

Table of Contents: Book 1 Book 2 Introduction Chapter 01: 1992-1994 Chapter 02: 1992-1994 Chapter 03: 1993-1995 Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness Part 30 Chapter 04 [1.] Dirge For the Immigrants A. Achieving the San Diego Family Life B. Effective Transition To Education Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness Part 31 Chapter 04 Continue [Important Note 12 (Yearbook)] B. Effective Transition To Education (Continue) Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness Part 32 Chapter 04 Continue [Important Note 13 (Want A Chance To Explain)]

Important Note 13 (Want A Chance To Explain)

I felt like I'm about to have a major breakdown right now. So, I'm trying not to be too tense to avoid having the major breakdown.

The following is how it started:

[Why I felt like having a major breakdown? Begin]

I got fed up and too tired to point out that talking about my situation is a trap.

So, I decided Yesterday (05/29/2025) at 5:45 PM, I would leave the North Clairemont Branch Library. Then, eat my dinner. Then, get back to my exercise schedule. Like I wrote in "Important Note 07", I have stopped my exercise schedule for around 2 weeks of time, because of the 6 power sockets in my house kitchen don't have electricity.

What I wanted to do is giving myself a break to feel sorry for myself.

Because I been wanting to not hold back and just cry feel sorry for myself. But, I couldn't cry. Because not crying already can't stop the problems keep happening to me. Crying might create more problems in my life.

The plan is while I'm doing my jogging exercise. I would make myself fall down. Then, start crying. The people on the sidewalk, and/or the cars that drive by. Would stop and ask me why am I crying?

I would reply. "I'm okay now. I just got a bad fall."

I get to cry and felt sorry for myself. Also, I get to know that there are people that care.

It was just a wishful thought. Because my situation. I just didn't want to think too much and jog until I can't jog anymore.

For some reason, the voice in my head happen at the highest is while I'm taking a bath or shower. The theory is bath or shower is when I'm relaxing. This mean the voice in my head don't want me to relax.

I would argues it is not the voice in my head. Because I have started serving in the Student Service starting on 1993. This mean the voice in my head is serving more services than me. As long I continue with the services, then one day I could keep up with the voice in my head.

In the past, I take a shower every 2 weeks. Even though, the whole time I would keep telling myself to hurry with my shower. But, the voice in my head would slow me down during the shower.

For some reason, my mother, Sok Nghim Hoi would scold at me whenever she see me taking a shower.

Even though, I already have voices in my head during shower. Yet, I keep telling myself to hurry so I don't get scold at. But, she still scold me.

One time, she banging on the restroom door and telling me to open the door. I quickly wrap a towel over my waist and open the door for her.

It is during the Christmas time, so I told her that I'm taking a shower to get ready to greet the guests for the Christmas holiday.

She push me out of the way without saying anything.

I interpret the quiet as you are a bad child. Shut up and don't talk. You are only making fun of yourself.

Then, I stopped her from continue walking. I told her that the restroom floor is wet and she might slip on the wet floor. Because I step out of the shower, so the water on my body dripped on the floor.

All of a sudden, Andy San show up. He telling why am I speaking back to my mother.

"I'm sorry. I just want to dry the wet floor, so no one would slip. So, I don't get blamed for the wet floor." I would explained.

It was a very painful Christmas morning. I'm standing in the porch with a towel wrapped around my waist and very confused about what just happen.

So happen, each time I took a shower most of the time something would happen.

Either the water would stop when I'm about to finish my shower. Or, the water inside the bath tub would not go down the drain.

There are multiple times, Nghim would scold at me about why the water inside the bath tub doesn't go down the drain.

On March 2025, when I begin my exercise schedule. I would make taking a bath like a punishment.

I would get on my knee and make sounds that I'm in pain. At the same time, I would wash my hair with shampoo and scrub my body with soap.

Yesterday (05/29/2025), just a day ago, I watched the "Tekken: Blood Vengeance" until Ling Xiaoyu able to have a break. That break scene is she finally able to take a shower after she went through hell. The shower was able to relax her and give her a break from went through hell. I could feel how important that shower is to her.

Because of Ling Xiaoyu's scene, I let down my guard while I was taking a bath. The following thoughts slipped into my head: What the hell am I doing? Taking a bath supposed to be a relaxation. Not a punishment.

That thought almost made me have a major breakdown. So, I used the CX12 Sony HandyCam (Camcorder), and started recording myself. I start complaining about my situation is very harsh.

While recording myself, I realize that I been recording myself complaining about my situation for many years. I started recording myself at 11:00 PM and end at around 3:00 AM. That is about 4 hours.

The following is my stressful day: I'm very distressful about my situation. I'm very stress out on finishing up adding tags to all of my recent PTTS posts including "Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness". I'm exhausted from the jogging exercise. And, the 4 hours of painstakingly complaining about my situation in the camcorder.

I keep it at: I just wanted a chance to explain myself. Also, I'm doing my reporter responsibilities and duties.

I want to have wishful thoughts that the very harsh would stop being so harsh. But, what if nothing ever change?

[Why I felt like having a major breakdown? End]

"Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness Part 33" continue in TM Game Tournament Magazine Announcement 14 Part 03.

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ptts2023 · 1 month ago

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TM GAME TOURNAMENT MAGAZINE ANNOUNCEMENT 13 PART 06

Written By: Neng Hong Lam Date Written: May 19, 2025

Important Note 08

Judgement Day Argument

I would argues "Judgement Day" is not fair. If I point out that my life is only misery, bitterness, and no happy memories at all. Then, I could never forgive myself for being so cruel to myself.

If I point out that my life was not just misery, bitterness, and no happy memories at all. Because there were events in my life that me, my family, my relatives, my friends, and my neighbors think are happy memories. Then, people would argues that I want the "Judgement Day" to continue in my life.

Memories That People Wanted To Judge Me: I selected events in my life so that I could judge myself harshly.

Cherished Memories: I selected events in my life that filled with happiness and cherished memories.

For argument sake, I think it is better to face "Judgement Day" with some supports. Than being by myself with no feedback on my PTTS posts.

I would argues because I have no feedback mean I don't know if people know about my situation or not. So, it is down to: Knowing I'm being judged in "Judgement Day" Or, not knowing I'm being judged in "Judgement Day".

I think if people know that I'm being judged in "Judgement Day", then people won't judge me so harshly. Since I don't know if people know I'm being judged in "Judgement Day" or not. So, I have to tells myself to forgive myself for judging myself so harshly without knowing.

It Is Okay To Have A Little Bit of Hopes? Revisit

[Recaps Begin]

In "It Is Okay To Have A Little Bit of Hopes?" Part 01-07, I wrote about events in my life as supports to this argument.

Part 01-07 is Online (Live). Before I get to Part 07, if someone left me a feedback, then I probably don't need to get to Part 07. Because the feedback that person left me gave me that little bit of hopes.

In addition, I wanted to point out the following argument, but I didn't get a chance to point it out:

I want to argues if my situation becomes too difficult. Then, could I step away from my life and play a movie that I felt would give me a little bit of hopes?

But, the argument is it might create confusion. Because I'm already stress out about my situation, how do I have time to watch a movie? Also, my situation is already too much for me to handle, watching a movie is handling another situation, how could I handle 2 situations simultaneously?

[Recaps End]

Starting from around 1998 to around 2000 (my middle school and high school years), I wanted make sure my family would subscript to Cable TV plan for the family. So, I became my family and close neighbors TV guide. But, I don't know a lot about the media. Also, my family didn't subscripted to the monthly TV Guide magazine.

What I wanted to says is I'm not an expert monthly TV Guide magazine. Even though, I became my family and close neighbors TV guide.

Yet, I did had a few favorited films.

The argument is a person who is an expert monthly TV Guide magazine favorited movies are movies that are critic's acclaims and Pulitzer's acclaims.

From this argument, I wanted to says I'm not trying to confuse anyone.

In addition, I don't have a lot of time to watch movies like a film critic. Also, it is really hard for me to save up funds to buy movies. So, whatever films I could get my hand on probably became my favorite films.

One more thing, I try to buy or trade films that are based on video games.

The following are my favorited films around that period of time:

Battle Royale, Night Warriors: Darkstalkers' Revenge Volume 1 & 2. (Based on video game), "Street Fighter 2 : The Animated Movie", and Cowboy Bebop Anime TV Series (At the time, I didn't own the DVDs. I watch it on Cartoon Network Channel).

Years later, I started build up my DVD films collection. So, I would have more favorited films.

In the past, I watched "Battle Royale" and "Night Warriors: Darkstalkers' Revenge" at least 10-20 times.

In my current situation, for some reasons wanting to watch "Night Warriors: Darkstalkers' Revenge" is like I'm making a mistake.

So, I brainstormed the following:

[Brainstorm Begin]

In one of the Important Notes, I wrote that I brainstormed doing Leixia Chai and Xianghua Chai walkthroughs in "Soul Calibur" 4 & 5.

Since I was thinking of doing those walkthroughs. So, if I were to do Leixia and Xianghua walkthroughs. Then, I would do their walkthroughs. Also, create them into Mei-Ling and Hsien-Ko's and Mei-Ling's mother. Her name didn't mention. But, she mentioned as a highly acclaimed sorceress demon hunter. For now I'm going to call her as Sorceress. Mei-Ling and Sorceress is mother and daughter with similar fighting style.

Leixia and Xianghua is mother and daughter with the same fighting style. Also, Leixia's and Xianghua's fighting style is similar to Mei-Ling's and Sorceress' fighting style. In the Character Creation, using Leixia's and Xianghua's models to create Mei-Ling's and Sorceress.

Then, in the Character Creation, I would use Voldo's model to create Hsien-Ko. It will not be a problem since I already did Voldo walkthrough.

Since Hsien-Ko and Mei-Ling are 2 of the main characters in the "Night Warriors: Darkstalkers' Revenge". So, I might be able to watch it again without feeling I made some kind of mistakes.

It would be pointless efforts if the following is the argument: I don't know what is going on. So, I don't know that the healing want to heal me by going through meditations to relieve me from the stresses in my life. These meditations are for me to stay away from video games and movies. Because video games and movies are too stressful for me.

[Brainstorm End]

The film plot is Sorceress sacrificed herself to save the people from the demons. Her death orphaned her 2 daughters, Hsien-Ko and Mei-Ling who still children. Also, made her 2 daughters can't feel anything. When they got older, they have to go around hunting for the most dangerous demons. Even though, they are demon hunters. But, Hsien-Ko is a Chinese Ghost (AKA Chinese Vampire).

The argument is I'm a sadistic person who enjoy watching Sorceress, Hsien-Ko, and Mei-Ling in pain.

As for me, I would argues I'm being tormented to death by my situation. So, I'm watching that film is like I'm giving myself a little bit of hopes on what if I could do some noble deeds like Hsien-Ko and Mei-Ling?

In the "Darkstalkers" video game, you could only select Hsien-Ko. One of Hsien-Ko's move is she could call out Mei-Ling to assist her. You can't play as Mei-Ling and Sorceress in the video game.

Coincidentally, it is one my favorited childhood's film and video game. When I first watch it. I did have those child thoughts. Those child thoughts are I get to see Morrigan Aensland taking a bath in the lake. Even though, the water in the lake covered her body. So, you don't see much of her body. In the video game, Morrigan is the female protagonist. In the film, she could be argued as the female protagonist. She is a vampire. Coincidentally, I rarely come across films where the female protagonist is a vampire.

The follow are female vampire protagonist, but different than Morrigan: Bloodrayne in "Bloodrayne" is the female protagonist. She is a vampire who hunt vampires. Selene in "Underworld" is the female protagonist. She is a vampire who didn't get along with the vampires.

In addition, in the "Twilight" movie series and "Tru Blood" TV Series, the vampires are the protagonists. But, the vampires are in war against their common enemies. Also, the vampires are in war against other vampires.

In "Ultimate Marvel Versus Capcom", you could selected some of the "Darkstalkers" characters. Since the Arcade Game Mode is 3 Characters Team Versus 3 Characters Team. So, I could select Morrigan, Hsien-Ko, and Felicia as a team.

Am I low on funds or, each time I bring up demon hunter topic, play video game, and watch movie, I'm creating problems in my life?

Do you have to have a lot of funds to bring up demon hunter topic, play video game, and watch movie?

Does this mean talking about demon hunter topic, play video game, and watch movie mean you are spending money?

If I'm going to watch "Night Warriors: Darkstalkers' Revenge", then Donovan Baine will be in it. He is a half human and half demon who is a vampire hunter. He hunt demons and vampires.

I just want to watch my childhood favorited film for a little bit of hopes, not to create more problems in my life.

In conclusion:

Can my accumulation of 199 First Places in the TM Game Tournaments make up for no feedback on my PTTS posts?

Or, it is argument on I have to stay away from video games and movies?

Or, it is argument on I'm low on funds?

Or, it is argument on I'm playing video games and watching movies as entertainment or taking a break?

I have took many College Multimedia Classes in Mesa College. Also, I have Club President position of Mesa Multimedia Club for 4 years from 2008-2011. The 4 main multimedia subjects are Video Game Development, Filmmaking, Graphic Design, and Web Development. So, multimedia could see as mainly video games and movies.

I thought I need to worry about the following: Did I have enough multimedia criteria or not enough to post up PTTS posts? Because PTTS posts is on game management (TM Game, Video Game, Tournament, and so on) and film review.

So it is not fair to says that my children could play video games better than you. My children's video game character is at a higher level than you. And/or, my children don't take break while playing video games.

Confusion: You took a lunch break you already lost. You go to sleep at nighttime you already lost.

Because I don't know the answers to those questions.

Poor Hungry Dog Image

I have been painstakingly arguing I created the Empty Handed Combat league to have a tiny bit of dignity. Because I have been having nightmares about criticisms of a person who have no dignity and a very low and inferior person who would do anything for a little bit of respect.

I would argues that I would says I live in a world that is very complicated and confusing. Instead having thoughts on what if the following happen to me: I'm the creator/founder, regulator/manager, and champion. And, I'm being put in the same category as the those criticisms I listed.

To not torment myself with those tormenting thoughts, I would argues I probably die early in life for a noble cause. Instead of being tormented to death. Example: I would be the first person at the scenes of very dangerous noble cause events. So, I got kill by one of those very dangerous noble cause events.

The following is consider as peer pressures: Come on. You are a great leader and grand champion in Sand Be Vietnam. Also, you have the most beautiful and beloved baby image in Sand Be. Show us some of your skills.

It is hard to picture how did die young for a noble cause and peer pressures. Got mixed with poor hungry dog image.

I think it is hard to write about it. But, what if I let someone else write about it and it is different than my experience on it? So, I'm going to write about it. And, please don't judge me so harshly.

In addition, around 1994-1996, I'm around 9-11 years old. My child thoughts is I'm a child so I'm going to play with other children. So, it could be argued as children playing around.

Afterschool, me, Du, Sandy, and friends would stay at the CPES campus for afterschool activities. So, by the time me and Du. Once awhile Sandy would walk with us. Walking back to our apartment. We are hungry. So, we pick the fruits, nuts, and editable plants on the way. Sometime those plants are inside people's properties. That is how the poor hungry dog image got started.

One time, me, Du, and Sandy while picking some nuts from a nut tree in someone front yard. We run into older students than us. The misunderstanding also made us got into a fight. The argument is fighting over nuts is like poor hungry dog image.

In "I Is the Devil", I wrote that Miguel live in the same apartment building as me.

While in our apartment, my older sister, Lieng know that me, Du, Ho, and Miguel favorited chips is "Hot Cheetos". So, whenever she took out a bag of "Hot Cheetos", me, Du, and Ho would act like poor hungry dog begging for some "Hot Cheetos". Sometime we would even bark like a dog.

She sometime would play along with us being poor hungry dog by tossing some "Hot Cheetos" on the ground for us. Since we were children, so it could be argued as we were children playing around.

Anyway, Miguel's cousin, Hector have a kitten (baby cat), Sylvester. Hector would take Sylvester with him as often as he can. The children in the neighborhood really like Sylvester. So, those children would ask Hector to pet it. And, he would let those children pet it. One day, Sylvester got run over by a car. It was really sad. So, he buried Svlvester at our apartment front yard.

Then, inside "Apartment #2", Hector show me, Du, Ho, and Miguel a porn video. When Miguel's grandmother walking toward "Apartment #2". Hector turn off the TV and hide the porn video tape. Me, Du, Ho, and Miguel got out of "Apartment #2".

Afterward, in a talk, Miguel told me he probably would do those scenes in the porn video in the future. The argument is doing porn video scenes would argued as poor hungry dog image.

The argument is me and my siblings love on playing video game would argued as the most noticeable poor hungry dog image.

It started back in the capital city, Ho Chi Minh Vietnam. Because me and my siblings have to pay 1,000 dongs to rent a TV and video game system station in the Video Game Center (AKA Lan or Video Game Lan) for each hours.

In currency exchange, 1,000 dongs = about 1 US dollar. But, 1,000 dongs is worth about $10.

$10 for 1 hour is a lot of money. Because if you have your own video game system, then you could play as many hours as you want. That is why me and siblings are so into playing video game, because it is $10 an hour.

In psychology study using animal (rats) experiments. Which ones does the rats prefer more, survival or video game stimulus? The study show that the rats would go for video game stimulus almost as much as searching for food to stay survive.

In Aunt Kim's apartment, Thai, Vin, and Sandy have a NES (Nintendo Entertainment System) video game system. Before Aunt Kim's family move out of that apartment building, once in awhile Thai, Vin, and Sandy would let me and siblings play some of their NES video game system.

There were times Vin is trying to set a new record on a shooting range video game on his NES. While me, Du, and Ho are waiting for a turn to play. The frustration of almost setting a new record would upset Vin, he would raised his voice toward us to "Shut Up." The argument is me and siblings can't wait to play video game have pissed off Vin. So, making a person upset over video game would argued as poor hungry dog image.

There are rare occasions, our cousins, Kay's, Kingsley's, and Kevin's family would come to our apartment. Kay, Kingsley, and Kevin would bring their SNES over with them. Me, Du, and Ho would play nonstop the whole day on the SNES from the morning until we go sleep. Around 10+ hours. That is around $100 or 10,000 dongs worth of video game time. The argument playing video game 10+ hours a day is poor hungry dog image.

Like I wrote above, please don't judge me so harshly.

In Vietnam, my family bought 2 hand-held (portable) video games. The gray one is a "Tetris" (Puzzle Game) video game. The green one is also a puzzle game (I don't know the name of it.). Me and my siblings been taking turn playing those 2 hand-held video games.

Around 1997, my older sister, Bun Hong San bought a Game Boy and 2 video game cartidges, "Super Mario" and "Tetris". Game Boy is much more advance than hand-held video game, because you could change video game cartidges. Also, the overall video game performance is better than hand-held video game. I get 2 hours a day. Du get 2 hours a day. Ho get 2 hours a day. Lieng get 2 hours a day. That is 8 hours. Since Bun bought it, so she get the remaining hours after me, Du, Ho, and Lieng. Same argument as above, playing video game 10+ hours a day is poor hungry dog image.

In the later chapters, I will go over my video game history. In this section, I'm going to end at Bun buying a Game Boy.

In "A Little Bit of Hopes For Inferior", I wrote that during my bad days, I dream about opening my own Arcade Center.

People would argue "What the fuck, are you not the champion of the Empty Handed Combat league in the real world, why do you have to go to the fake world (video game world)? So, it is hard for people to understand why I went to the Arcade Center.

Because people don't understand why I went to the Arcade Center. So, I said it is like a dream to avoid the confusion.

The argument is I already have a bad day. If I create more confusion by going to the Arcade Center, then my bad day going to get worse.

I dream about opening my own Arcade Center. Mean that I'm going to the Arcade Center and I will make my presence in the Arcade Center worthwhile.

"Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness Part 27" continue in TM Game Tournament Magazine Announcement 13 Part 07.

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ptts2023 · 1 month ago

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TM GAME TOURNAMENT MAGAZINE ANNOUNCEMENT 13 PART 05

Written By: Neng Hong Lam Date Written: May 17, 2025

Table of Contents: Book 1 Book 2 Introduction Chapter 01: 1992-1994 Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness Part 22 Chapter 02 [1.] Apartment #11 [2.] Apartment #7 [3.] All Day Hike Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness Part 23 Chapter 02 Continue [3.] All Day Hike (Continue) [Important Note 07] [4.] Conspiracies Behind the Curtain A. Retarded Child Conspiracies Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness Part 24 Chapter 02 Continue B. I Is the Devil C. Devil's Sons Conspiracies Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness Part 25 Chapter 02 Continue C. Devil's Sons Conspiracies (Continue) [5.] A Little Bit of Hopes For the Inferior

Devil's Sons Conspiracies (Continue)

A few of students told me. "You don't said "Retarded Ivan" He might think you want to fight him." "Retarded Ivan" is said in Spanish language, I don't speak the Spanish language.

"I manage the Empty Handed Combat league. I'll fight Ivan. Told Ivan I fight him." I replied to those students.

Then, Ivan show up. "They said you are a fighter looking for a fight. I'll fight you. Today at the bicycle rack after school." I told Ivan.

The students talking to Ivan in the Spanish language. The following are the translation: We call Ivan, "Retarded Ivan" because we know each other. But, Ivan might misunderstand. If you call him "Retarded Ivan"."

The argument is me and Ivan is just playing a soccer game. Also, the Spanish speaking students and me are just playing a soccer game.

I departed from the grass field. I would argues if those students in the grass field wanted to beat me up. Then, I would pray I could climb over the fence without being panic. And, have any accident. Before those students get a chance to beat me up.

Getting sliced by the pointy edge of the metal fence. Could slice open a person's stomach.

So, I told myself. I just got myself out of a very sticky situation.

During afterschool. As I'm walking to the bicycle rack, I would tell myself the following: I picked the bicycle rack, because it is the most dangerous area to fight. In the Empty Handed Combat league, I'm going to fight a fighter like Ivan one day. I'm tired of the Retarded Child Conspiracies and the Devil's Sons Conspiracies. Getting kill by those conspiracies or getting kill by Ivan.

When I got to the bicycle rack area, a few of Ivan's gangs is messing with Christopher. Then, those gangs snatched Christopher's backpack. "Come on, Karate Kid. Show us what you got?" Those gangs messing with Christopher.

Christopher got into his Crane Stance like Daniel LaRusso (Actor, Ralph Macchio) in the Karate Kid movie. But, he missed his kicks on those gangs. Those gangs knocked him to the ground. And, started punching and kicking him. He started crying. Then, those gangs left the area.

Then, Ivan and Ivan's gangs show up at the bicycle rack. He told me it is all just a misunderstanding.

My interpretation is Ivan and Ivan's gangs didn't mess with me. They only mess with Christopher. That is why I was able to score those points and won the soccer game.

Ivan's teammates in the soccer game was upset at Ivan, because Ivan and Ivan's gangs didn't mess with me. That is why I was able to score those points and won the soccer game.

Ivan's teammates is speaking in the Spanish language, so they didn't expect I would know what they are saying.

The student combat regulators is probably around the cafeteria tables area. It is about 30 yards away from the bicycle rack. If those combat regulators didn't show and Ivan's gangs didn't show up, then it is one-on-one fight.

I didn't set any rules on using your surrounding in the fight. So, I could use the bicycle rack in the fight. Example: My opponent could accidentally trip over the bicycle rack. I could break my opponent's rib bones on the bicycle rack.

The argument is it is all just a big joke. Ivan and Ivan's gangs didn't even mess with me. I wanted to break Ivan's rib bones on the bicycle rack. Ivan and Ivan's gangs did mess with Christopher, but Christopher didn't even beat up Ivan.

In addition, the Crane Stance in the "Karate Kid" movie supposed to be a skillful signature move. But, when Christopher used that move, it look like he is making fun of the Crane Stance and the "Karate Kid" movie.

Not long after the misunderstanding with Ivan, Alfonso Berriel wanted to pick a fight with me. I didn't want to repeat what happen with Ivan, so I gave Alfonso a chance to apologize to me about wanting to pick a fight with me.

"Just apologize to me. I know you are playing around. Don't even try to out run me. I'm faster than you." I told Alfonso at the drinking fountain.

He didn't says anything. Then, he poured some water from the drinking fountain at me. Then, he started running away.

I could stop him from running by pulling his shirt. Even though, it won't hurt him. But, I would rip his shirt. So, I have to stop him from running by getting in front and punch him. Then, I put him in a headlock.

"Tell me you won't pick a fight with me again. Then, I'll let you go." I told him. He replied okay.

After I released him from the headlock. "Don't even try to run. I'll rip your shirt. I want you to shake on it." I told him. Then, me and him shook hand.

The argument is Alfonso been saying things about all the students. But, when he is saying things about me, I think he wanted to pick a fight with me.

His house is a street away from my apartment. His older sister, Jennifer Berriel is 3 years older than him. Go to the same school, Pacific Beach Middle School (PBMS) as my older sister, Lieng Hong Lam. Also, Lieng and Jennifer are friend.

I counted I punched him and put him in a headlock as a fight against him. So, I counted that fight as 1 win in the Empty Handed Combat fight record. By this point of time, I have around 15+ wins and 0 lost.

A Little Bit of Hopes For the Inferior

By this point of time, around 1994, the argument is I'm facing overwhelming odds against me and there are too much pressures in my life. For me to continue with my life. Example: Retarded Child Conspiracies, Devil's Sons Conspiracies, Inferior Background Conspiracies, and Dysfunctional Family Conspiracies.

I would argues even though life is a hard struggle. But, I keep telling myself that the hard struggles will make sense in the future. Also, I want to cherish the moments. Because it is not all nightmares and hard struggles. There are events that are filled with happiness. Those events could argued as living in a dream.

My family trips. Example: My family would have gathering at the beaches, parks, and bays. My family night out. Example: My family going to "Belmont Park" amusement park.

Those events might seem like little things. Unimportant events. Or, ordinary daily activities.

One day, I'm going to look back at my life. And, I'm going to says while growing, there were events in my life that wasn't always being crushed by too much pressures and overwhelming odds. Conspiracies against me. And, my life can't continue anymore.

I want to argues I'm tired I'm being angry at myself. Hating myself. Crushing myself. And, I want to start to give myself a chance to sees that there are happiness in my life.

In addition, I would puts all those pressures in my life to the side. And, I would ride my bicycle as fast as can to the PB beach. At the same time, I would picture a person wiping away my tears.

At the PB beach, I would watch the sun set. I would tells myself, I didn't cry. Because I know there were happiness in my life. No matter how much a person wanted to point the following: "You are impossible to continue with your life. There are nothing worth remember about you."

Even though, at this point of time. I still don't know about stoicism. But, I would argues that I'm stoic enough to not shout out loud. And, able to watch the sun set to cope with the pressures in my life.

Bad Days: I would watch the sun set at the beach. Or, I would dream about opening my own Arcade Center.

As for my daily life, I keep seeing myself like in Sand Be Vietnam. I always try to have as many people as I can on the daily activities. The more the merrier. Group activities where ever I go. Group leader where ever I go.

But, how much would people agree with me and how much would people disagree with me? Example: I would argues I don't want the following to happen to me: I says that I was a highly acclaimed leader with a lot of followers. But, I end up by myself, have no follower, and nobody care about me.

I would save up some money to buy my own camera. I would use my camera to take pictures of the people who have been in group activities with me. One day, I end up by myself. I could show people those pictures as evidences that I did try to have group activities where ever I go. Group leader where ever I go.

It is a very upsetting time. I'm not writing this healing process to make myself more upset.

Does people care about the inferior or does people think the inferior are not important enough to care about? You are an inferior, no one care about you, so why are you trying so hard?

I would argues nobody care about inferior and I'm facing overwhelming odds in my life. I'm going to run into a lot of problems. Or, I'm not going to get far in life. So, I need supports.

This mean my vulnerability is when people lie about giving me supports to trap me. Or bait me.

So, I would argues that I don't want to fail my life because people lie about giving me supports to trap me. Or, bait me.

I'm 10 years old with inferior background argued as I'm easy to trick. Gullible. Or, taking candies from a baby.

In addition, the argument I'm 10 years old with inferior background if I run into problems, then people would go with wealth, power, status, and connections. So, I would have a hard time winning against wealth, power, status, and connections.

I would argues that I been crushing myself for a long time about the problems in my life and being 10 years old with inferior background.

To have a little bit of hopes, I would sees that there are noble causes in the world. I don't have to be tormented to death, because of the problems in my life and I have inferior background. I could die fighting for a noble cause.

You meant to do great things in life. Instead of being tormented to death.

So, starting on this period of time I started believing in fighting for a noble cause. Even though, my life might argued as "I'm facing overwhelming odds against me and there are too much pressures in my life. For me to continue with my life."

This mean I'm living in 2 worlds. A world where everything is very complicated and confusing. And, a world where there are noble causes.

"Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness Part 26" continue in TM Game Tournament Magazine Announcement 14 Part 06.

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ptts2023 · 1 month ago

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TM GAME TOURNAMENT MAGAZINE ANNOUNCEMENT 13 PART 04

Written By: Neng Hong Lam Date Written: May 16, 2025

I Is the Devil

Oxford Dictionary: Devil mean (in Christian and Jewish belief) the chief evil spirit; Satan.

In "My Confession of the Painful Truth" Introduction, I summarized the Chinese Mythology on how Sun Wukong (AKA Monkey King) got trapped in the mountain. There are interpretation that Sun Wukong is a devil who have ascended to becomes a god. Also, in the countries of the Asia continent, people build Sun Wukong temples and altars and worship Sun Wukong as one of the gods.

Buddha's blood gave birth to Sun Wukong. Buddha trapped him in the mountain. Also, Buddha free him from the mountain. Also, in temples and Buddhism, Buddha is the main god that being worship.

The Satanic Argument is the third world countries are uncivilized and underdeveloped. Because of the famine and poverty in those third world countries, so fears and oppressions have spread across the lands. In order to survive, there are people who have to turn to satanic (devil's beliefs).

The argument is my father, Chung Wun Lam is the devil. But, his teacher is a monk (AKA Buddhism teaching or Buddha's beliefs) who whip him every morning with a bamboo stick for no reason. Also, he have friends all over the world. He is a fatherly figure in Sand Be and the capital city, Ho Chi Minh Vietnam. Also, other countries in Asia continent. In addition, he have wealth, power, status, and connection in the Asia continent. And, he have done many noble deeds in the Asia continent. This mean his overall status and history made him able to manage his life against the argument that he is a devil.

As for his sons, me and my older brother, Ho Hong Lam. Me and Ho don't have the overall status and history he had. So, me and him is having problems manage our life against the argument that me and him are the devil's sons. The argument is if I'm a retarded child, then I will drag Ho down with me. This mean Ho have to destroy me for being a retarded child, so people would stop picking on him for being the devil's son. My whole family would follow Ho. Also, my whole family would destroy me for being a retarded child.

Example1: Which one is harder, killing me or the struggles to survive from the famine and poverty in the third world countries?

Example2: My family are struggling against the Satanic Argument, and I'm creating more problems to my family for being a retarded child. That is why my family have to kill me.

I would argues Ho been protecting in Sand Be. Even if he found out I'm a retarded child, then he won't destroy me right away. But, sooner or later, he have to destroy me.

"Neng, people pay attention and respect the things your mother said." My father would told me.

"Neng, do whatever you want. But, don't pass I." My mother would told me.

The Retarded Child Conspiracies and Devil's Son Conspiracies didn't just happen right away in the broad daylight. But, I would argues because of the following: The most beautiful and beloved baby in Sand Be. Being haunted by ghosts during the nighttime and having nightmares in my sleeps. Having leadership to the children in Sand Be. Having management and became the champion in the unofficial junior local Empty Handed Combat league. So, I have been paying close attention to my life. So, I could see those conspiracies are happening to me.

Around 1994, I became friend with Miguel (Michael in English). He live in "Apartment #3" in the same apartment building. He is 8 years old. 2 years younger than me. His older sister, Anna (I don't know her name in Spanish) is around 14 years old. His younger sister, Alison (I think that how you pronounce it in English) is around 3 years old. His father, Oli is the manager of "McDonald" hamburger restaurant.

His cousin, Hector is around 13 years old. Anna's boyfriend, Nick is around 14 years old. He work at "Vons" supermarket. His grandmother live in "Apartment #2" in the same apartment building.

At first, since me and Miguel live in the same apartment building, so we would hangout and play recreation activities together. Later on, we became friend. The same with my family. My family and Miguel's family also became friend.

I don't know the whole story. Miguel's family is babysitting Alex who is around 6 years old. I think Miguel told me that Alex and Alex's parents are the bosses of Miguel's family. This mean Alex could give commands to Miguel's family.

Alex is blonde hair and Caucasian nationality. Miguel's family is black hair and Spanish nationality.

I don't know the whole story because I didn't ask Miguel questions about Alex or talk about Alex. The way I see it, Alex's parents must have a lot of wealth and power. Because Alex is only 6 years old and could give commands to Miguel's family.

Most of the Saturday's and Sunday's mornings, my father would take me and Ho around the neighborhood to checkout the "Yard Sale". Yard Sale is people selling the things at their yards. Those things are usually the things inside that person's house.

One time, Chung bought a statue of Buddha in a Yard Sale. But, it have some scratches and chips. So, he decided to repaint that Buddha statue. I didn't ask him why he repaint Buddha's body with the color black. That Buddha statue became an altar in our apartment living room.

Later on in the chapter during my middle school years (around 1997), Miguel told me that his family want to believe in the Buddhism religion. He told me if my father could show his family how to get started on the Buddhism religion. His reason is he think believing in Buddhism religion might bring luck and fortune to his family. The way I see it, because me and him live in the same apartment building, so he often would come over to my apartment, "Apartment #7". So, he must sees my family using incenses and praying at the altar.

I told him okay. I'll translate what my father says in the Chinese language to English language. When my father told him about the Buddhism religion. I would translated into English language for Miguel.

I don't know the whole story about Buddha. The following is what I heard about Buddha:

Buddha cut the meat on his body and feed the tigers. I think what Buddha did is a selfless act that earned Buddha respects in the world religion.

Buddha's eyelashes became tea. So, people who drink tea will be energetic and have good health. I think when a person sleep they close their eye. Drinking tea keep a person awake and give that person energy. Eyelashes and awake is cohesive and correlated.

Devil's Sons Conspiracies

Around 1994, Principal Watkins have noticed I followed through with the responsibilities and duties on Gate Monitor Student Service and Equipment Room Monitor Student Service.

The Devil's Sons Conspiracies is I would make fun of Student Service. I would make fun of the people who are serving in the Student Service. Also, I can't be serious about anything and I can't stand still. So, I'm joking and playing around in the Student Service.

Would I go with Principal Watkins is the only person who noticed me on the Student Service positions I served or would I go with the Devil's Sons Conspiracies?

What if there is a new principal in the CPES?

Can you believe it, the Devil's son taught honor and rules in fighting to the children in Sand Be?

Because I could sees the Retarded Child Conspiracies and Devil's Sons Conspiracies happening to me, so I would ask myself the following question: Is there a different if I beat up myself first, then I have the same beating later?

After I asked myself that question, I would translated the school documents to my parents. Translating those school documents took me days of time, because I have to ask the CPES staffs to read those school documents out loud to me. Then, I would asked those CPES staffs questions if I still don't understand about those school documents.

After I'm done translating all the school documents. I'm already stress out. So, I don't want to get hurt by my parents' feedbacks. So, I would try to not remember those feedbacks. After I walked away from my parents, I would pull up my sleeve to see the bruise on my arm. I would bruised myself first.

The argument is Ho is doing whatever he can to gain power and not defeated by the Devil's Sons Conspiracies. He wanted to help me out, but if he found out I'm a retarded child, then I would drag him down. He have to destroy me. This mean if he stay away from me, then he don't have to destroy me.

In the Empty Handed Combat league, during demonstration fights, I have won my fights against Erick Rodriguez, Feliciano Cervantez, Rick Kaer, and some students.

Then, one day, Tony Quintero snatched my backpack and started running with it. After I caught up to him. I punched him a few time and took my backpack back. I count as he wanted pick a fight with me. By this point of time I have about 12+ wins and 0 lose.

Because the Retarded Child Conspiracies and Devil's Sons Conspiracies would argued as no honor and rules. So, I won those fights with no honor and rules. Also, those conspiracies would conspired that I'm a pissed off retarded child.

What happen to the most beautiful and beloved baby in Sand Be and the celebrated champion in the Empty Handed Combat?

The pissed off retarded child die in the Empty Handed Combat fight end his torment and he die at what he created.

The pissed off retarded child got send back to Sand Be Vietnam, because he can't fit in with the CPES students.

Like I wrote in "I Is the Devil", my father's overall status and history made him able to manage his life against the argument that he is a devil. I don't have the overall status and history he had, so I can't manage my life against the argument that I'm the devil's sons.

So, if I think about my situation, then it is unfair for me. I have to see that #1 and #2 could happen to me, so I could stop making myself angry.

I don't know the whole story. The Student Service told me to encourage students to be part of the Student Service by taking the leading on going through the new Student Service programs first.

Crushed by the Retarded Child Conspiracies or crushed by the Student Service pressures is being crushed. I'm only 10 years old. I don't have a lot power. So, there is not much I can do about it.

After I got through those Student Service programs, in the Exchanging Student program. I got exchanged from Mrs. Hanson's fourth grade class to a Spanish speaking class once a week.

I just learn how to speak the English language. It is my fourth language. Now, I'm put in a Spanish speaking class. All the students in that class are speaking the Spanish language in the classroom including the teacher.

I sat next to Abigail Izquierdo. Recreating the scene on my first day of the CPES. When I sat next to Celestina Gallegos. Because I don't speak the Spanish language, so Abigail have to show the classroom activities like a mother caring for a new born baby. What happen to the celebrated champion in the Empty Handed Combat league?

The Devil's Sons Conspiracies is actually not a bad thing if you get the crowd of students to cheer for you. Like when Ho made his round house kick at the students. The other students cheering for Ho by telling him that he have a really awesome round house kick.

Being a new born baby cared by a mother would argued where is your pride as a person who could take care of yourself.

I would argues that me and the students in the Spanish class just going with the program, we would deny about the following: How long can you continue being a new born baby cared by a mother, what happen if Abigail is not around, are you going to cry?

Coincidentally, only the Spanish speaking class students play soccer in the grass field. I play soccer and hide and seek kick ball in Sand Be Vietnam. Also, I play soccer and taught children how to play hide and seek kick ball in Thailand.

So, I play soccer with those Spanish speaking students.

Abigail is not playing soccer with us. So, there is no one telling me what to do. So, my team decided if I'm the goalie, then I don't have to have people to tell me what to do.

During half time, my team is losing by 2 points. So, I told my team. I'm going to switch to offense position instead of goalie position.

My team is cussing out bad words in Spanish language. The following is the translation: "What the fuck? This is not classroom activities. Abigail is not going to show you what to do."

After I score 2 points and even up the score. The students in both teams are giving me compliments.

Ivan Castillo is the most important player in the grass field. So, the students are cussing out loud in Spanish language. "Retarded Ivan. This guy actually know what he is doing."

I don't speak Spanish language, so I thought is a compliment. I repeated what those students said.

"Retarded Ivan." I repeated in Spanish language.

To Be Continue...

"Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness Part 25" continue in TM Game Tournament Magazine Announcement 13 Part 05.

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ptts2023 · 2 months ago

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TM GAME TOURNAMENT MAGAZINE ANNOUNCEMENT 11 PART 06

Written By: Neng Hong Lam Date Written: April 28, 2025

Table of Contents: Introduction Part 01-09 Chapter 01 Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness Part 07 Chapter 02 [1.] Emergency A. Recaps of the 5 High Priority In My Life B. Giving Myself A Break [2.] 1984 My Birth Place A. How To Appreciate Something That Is Very Hard To Appreciate B. Bread Days C. American Red Cross Foundation Providing Donations To My Country-Side C. Taking Bus To the City Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness Part 08 Chapter 2 Continue [3.] Capital City A. First Time In the City B. Toy Store [4.] Back To the Country-Side A. Night Life In the Country-Side Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness Part 09 Chapter 2 Continue [5.] Video Game And Sexiest Women Update A. Idol Singer Placement Revisit B. Movie Stars That Leave Lasting Impact

Video Game And Sexiest Women Update

Going back to the 31 Sexiest Women in the World. I'm not going to change those selections, because read Introduction Part 01-09 and Chapter 01, to know the problems in my life. And, the arguments against me. Anyway, I slightly rearranged Joey Wong up the chart from from 24 to 22. So, that Athena Chu, Joey Wong, and Zhang Ziyi are the sexiest women in the Asia continent.

Nevertheless, because I have made the 31 Sexiest Women chart, so I have been occupied with thoughts about it. Example: What about the classical Hollywood actresses that was not that chart? What about the main stream female idol singers that are very famous?

The following are my brainstorming about the 31 Sexiest Women chart:

[Brainstorm Begin]

I voted Athena Chu, Joey Wong, and Zhang Ziyi as the most sexiest women in the Asia continent. This mean they are the most sexiest Asian women. If you are looking at their nationality, then, they have Chinese nationality.

Xianghua And Leixia: I was brainstorming to go back to Soul Calibur 4 & 5 video games walkthrough. Have a walkthrough on Xianghua Chai in Soul Calibur 4. And, Leixia Chai in Soul Calibur 5. Leixia is the daughter of Xianghua. Both Xianghua and Leixia have Chinese nationality.

Ling Xiaoyu: In addition, I'm brainstorming about have a walkthrough on Ling Xiaoyu in Tekken 6. Xiaoyu is on the cover of "Tekken: Blood Vengeance" movie. The cover art is she is holding Alyssa. Also, she play an important role in help out Jin in the fight, Jin versus Bison from Tekken X Street Fight video game. Xiaoyu have Chinese nationality.

Pai Chan: If I still have time, then I'll look into Pai Chan in "Dead Or Alive 5" Ultimate Edition. She is a fighter in the "Virtual Fighter" Series video games. She got cross-over to "Dead Or Alive 5" in the Ultimate Edition. She have Chinese nationality.

[Brainstorm End]

Dablo 3 And Tekken 6 Update

Diablo 3: I have got Azusa (Monk Class) to level 31. I have got Akasha (Witch Doctor Class) to level 23.

Tekken 6: New character: I got 53 Wins and 0 Lose with Heihachi Mishima. The older characters: Nina Williams have 300+ Wins and 0 Lose. Anna Williams have 150+ Wins and 0 Lose.

Idol Singer Placement Revisit

Back in my high school years and college years, I have heard talks about Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are very famous in the music industry. Why did I placed Ashley Tisdale higher than Britney and Christina?

The following section is to answer that Ashley Tisdale placement question.

I would argues that back on 1999. I don't know if my parents know that I have the most First Places in the TM Game Tournaments or not. So, I took the babysitter chore to babysit my younger brother, Mon Hong Lam.

For now, I'm going to keep it at: Even if my parents doesn't know I have First Place Championship. If I'm doing my babysitter chore. Then, my parents still think I'm a responsible family member.

Coincidentally, around 2006. Mon tune in to "The Suite Life of Zack and Cody" TV Series often. Then, one day, in a talk with him, he told me that TV Series is one of his favorited TV Programs on the Disney Channel.

I'm 10 years older than him. Zack and Cody are twin brothers which mean they are the same age.

Because I'm babysitting him, so I would watched a little bit of that TV Series with him.

From a quick look at that TV Series, you would see that the plot is Maddie Fitzpatrick (Ashley Tisdale) and London Tipton (Brenda Song) are babysitting Zack Martin (Dylan Sprouse) and Cody Martin (Cole Sprouse). They are often inside a hotel suite. That is why the title have the words, "Suite Life". Zack and Cody is a few years from reaching their teenager age. Maddie is a poor servant teenager girl. London is a rich boss teenager girl.

The misunderstanding is I'm rich in life, because I have the First Place Championship. Also, I have time to babysit Mon and watch TV Series with him.

From the misunderstanding, I would argues that people think that I'm London, because I'm the babysitter. People would think Mon is Zack or Cody, because I'm babysitting him.

Because of the misunderstanding and my thoughts on the misunderstanding, so I would only relate to Maddie by thinking that if I was a filmmaker, then I would make Maddie as the main character. That is when I first wanted to know who is Ashley Tisdale.

At the same time, I vibe the following argument: If I'm a poor servant, then Disney Channel, Disney Studio, and Disneyland is way out of my league. So, Ashley Tisdale is way out of my league.

There are times Mon would talk to me as though me and him like watching that TV Series. I would argues that I barely just know the roles of each of the characters in that TV Series.

What if in my reality, Mon really does have Zack or Cody role? And, I really does have Maddie role? This mean Mon have associated with Disney Channel. As for me, Disney Channel is way out of my league.

I didn't want to think too much about the mess. I puts it at: The future have not made yet. I could get noticed as a Mesa College multimedia student. Being noticed I could became a filmmaker. After I became a filmmaker, then I would think about that mess. Example: I became a famous filmmaker mean that Disney Channel no longer out of my league.

I collected Ashley Tisdale pictures at around 2006. At the same time, I would argued I collected those pictures because I'm a multimedia student. But, I don't think about meeting her, get into interview with her, acknowledging her history, and so on.

Many years later. At around 2024. I saw "Kiss the Girl" music video. How come the lead singer, Ashley Tisdale in that music video look so familiar, where have I seen her before?

After I started sing along with her song. I look up her history. Then, I remember she have Maddie role in that Disney Channel TV Series.

It have been around 18 years ago.

18 years ago, Mon and Disney Channel is like a family. As for me, Disney Channel is way out of my league. What have Mon and Disney Channel became after 18 years? What is more than way out of my league?

Maybe if continue to sing along with Ashley's song, people would stop bringing up way out of my league?

That is why I placed Ashley Tisdale higher than Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera.

Movie Stars That Leave Lasting Impact

Who could forget the face of Carrie Fisher in the classical movie, "Star Wars" movie series? (I didn't placed her as the sexiest women.)

The following are some of the classical female movie stars I seen in classical movies that is not on the 31 Sexiest Women chart: Diane Lane in the "Outsider" movie. The controversy image of Sean Young in "Blade Runner" movie. Sharon Stone in "The Quick or the Dead" movie. Kate Hudson in "Skeleton Key" movie.

It is because the sexy women in the classical movies going to take up the 31 spots, and no room for the new generation? My thoughts are I think the sexy women in the older classical movies could be argued as older generation.

Quantity Argument: Does watching a lot of movies mean you know a lot about the movies and could talk about movies? Or, you have to go to performance art school to talk about movies?

In my father's talks, my father point that Gong Li is a talented movie star in Asia. She is also in the movie production in Hollywood. Also, she have very sexy look. What I wanted to says, like I wrote, the 31 Sexiest Women chart is vague/shallow.

I would defends myself with the following argument: Gong Li is in a higher league. Maybe the next year 31 Sexiest Women chart I would do a better job.

I would argues Ghost Story genre movies does leave lasting emotion involving sadness. The following are very sad ghost story movies that stand out the most: Chinese Movie: Joey Wong in "A Chinese Ghost Story" 1, 2, & 3 (1987, 1990, and 1991) movies. Cecilia Cheung in "Fly Me to Polaris" (1999). There is another very sad Ghost Story movie. I forgot the title. I only remember the melody of its theme song. I think that Ghost Story is based on that duet song. English Movie: Denise Moore in "Ghost" movie. (I didn't placed her as the sexiest women.)

"Step By Step Long Journey To Acceptance And Forgiveness Part 10" continue in TM Game Tournament Magazine Announcement 11 Part 07.

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