#Satan has great taste in: Harry Potter

[quietlysatan]

Can Your Friends Do This? - Watermelonsmellinfellon, AO3 (Though OP said they cross posted on FF.net too)

Link: Here!!

Rating: Mature

Favorite Quote(s): Because I love The Avatar show

"First, there are more than one dimension and more than one universe. Foolish mortals are the only ones to assume they are the only forms of intelligent life in their respective universes. This Earth we are on resides in a different universe altogether and consists of nations of people who possess an affinity with the elements. Some are born as mixes of two and use chakra to create new elemental affinities or abilities. This planet Earth parallels another planet Earth in another dimension of this universe, where there are only four large nations and each represents either fire, water, earth, or air, and with beings able to bend their own element to their advantage."

And these ones because these four are important.

1. "A lot of suicidal people didn't really want to die, they simply wanted the pain to cease so that living once again seemed worthwhile."

2. Hari was very firm on her decision. She'd always been the one rescuing people and never once realized that maybe she should have been rescued.

3. “Despite his wish to be Hokage and to be a hero, I realized that someone needed to rescue him first for that to happen. And so I took the job." 

4. "I've lost many people, and while it doesn't coincide with what others will tell you in life, it actually does get better. There aren't enough hours in the day to keep thinking about what you've lost. There are jobs to do, and people to watch over, and even your own health to consider. You won't have the time to recount every mistake you've ever made. And the pain from their distance will eventually dim and become tolerable. The only way it wouldn't get better is if you keep thinking about it all the time. People who are always depressed over the loss of loved ones are usually the very same people who think about them all the time, which ends up keeping them in their depressed states, to begin with. And then there is no progression."

A Fucking mood from Hari/Harry Potta/Potter

“I don't like exercising. I'm not meant for it."

Because Sasuke is an adorable little shit, which is, as always when it comes to him, The Best

Naruto was teaching someone Taijutsu? It was laughable at best, though he didn't actually laugh. That would ruin his image as the strong and silent loner. He couldn't afford for people to think he was nice or anything.

Because this is something important and personal to ME specifically

"This is all sweets. But they are sugar-free sweets. There are foods you can eat that will give you the energy you need without having a negative effect on your body. Bananas are a good snack. Watermelon, lettuce, leafy green veggies, they all have a lot of water in them. They fill you up quickly, can keep you hydrated, and because most are made of water, you aren't consuming fats and oils. Though do not replace every meal with these things unless you take vitamins and supplements on a daily basis. While there is nothing wrong with being vegan, a lot of vegans forget to take their supplements and vitamins. They especially need those because they keep so many important foods from their eating schedule."

Another Mood

To make it worse… she'd gotten her monthly visit from TOM. She named it TOM in memory of a certain arse who caused her a lot of pain and grief. Her Time of the Month, TOM, liked to mock her for at least five days out of every month and this month was terrible.

And last, but not least, the best thing I have read since I woke up

Potta Hari's cousin was not romantically involved with anyone, or so his sources said. Perhaps marrying someone to her would offer a better chance for an alliance between their clans?

A knock startled him from his thoughts, and he had to compose himself quickly. "Yes?"

"A letter has arrived for you, Hiashi-sama," Kosuke said from the other side of the door.

"Come."

The letter was handed over within seconds, and Kosuke was gone immediately.

When he finally got to the message however, he had to smirk in amusement. He should have known that making plans about a Seer wouldn't go as expected.

Dear Hyuga-sama,

No.

Respectfully, Potta Runa.

And this

Was Danzo literally the only bad person in this world who was bad naturally and not because he had some unfortunate upbringing, was bullied or was manipulated into being bad? 

Basically tbh 

Words & Chapter(s):  287,295 words and 20 chapters, unfinished, but worth it

Summary: Tsume Yuki's, 'Ain't Never Had a Friend Like Me' prompt.

Master of Death Hari is sealed inside a genie bottle and tossed into the Veil. Only the interference of Death stops her from being enslaved. When Naruto comes into possession of the bottle and frees Hari from her prison, she gets attached and decides to help him, changing everything we know.

Score: 13, this is very amusing, and has no qualms with having humor AND seriousness whenever. Not to mention, I could honestly go back to the very beginning and read it all over again and I’d still love every moment of it in all honesty.

Pairing(s): Hatake Kakashi/Female!Harry Potter, as well as Uchiha Sasuke/Uzumaki Naruto, background Anko Mitarashi/Luna Lovegood

Warning(s): For all that this looks like a lot of warnings it’s just because this fic is well over 200K words, and it’s not nearly as bad as all these warnings look. There’s no major character death (Technically. A few from the HP universe passed before our MC even came into our universe. Still, only casual mentions so far)

Always a girlHarry still had to deal with all the abuse of her counterpart. The ministry betrayed her (Shocking. I know.) mentions of (CANON) past childhood abuse described three-quarters of the way through chapter three, then again in chapter four, no worries though it’s not graphic or gratuitous.

Mentions of death, and the things and ways that death may affect someone (This is a naruto universe crossover fic soooo, I don’t know what you were expecting honestly. At least it’s not as subtly/suddenly angsty as FMA fics get.), attempted murder that fails because Hari is the Mistress of Death (... Is Master not gender neutral??? I thought it was... Still, Mistress sounds cooler and more dangerous)

Mentions of porn, off-screen lemon, etc.

There IS a bit of fat-shaming from certain characters, but they eventually learn better, there are also mentions of children, and others, on diets, and also that have unhealthy eating habits and why they’re not good regardless, as well as the effects of being on a diet while also doing various exercises and rigorous training regimens, but not to worry, it slowly but surely improves.

Manipulation and grey morals, (Again shocking, I know.) which is great because my morals would go very dark very quickly if I were Hari (Because this is a crossover, and she is in Japan/The Elemental) and I’d for some dumbass reason decided to return to my original world (THAT DOESN’T HAPPEN THIS A HYPOTHETICAL WHAT-IF), but Hari doesn’t which is always amazing

World/Dimension displacement. Figured I’d add that just in case, personally I love those types of stories but you never know.

Kidnapping followed by attempted murder fails spectacularly. It is quite amusing to see for my inner sadist.

One of Hari’s family members passed away due to cancer, but it’s a small mention and there’s minimal angst because it happened years ago. The others seemed to have died in a war with the goblins which is only occasionally mentioned here and there.

Someone tries to enslave Hari as a genie. It does not work. Death seemed upset that someone thought that would work at all in the “Like, honestly, who the fuck do you even think you are???” kind of pissed

Danzo and ROOT exist. Sadly.

Also “ the lives of the many are more important than the lives of the few “ is something that seems to be a basic background of the morals of this fic. I know some find this detestable, but I would like to point out that, it’s true. It’s really fucked up, but unless that One has some very important and necessary ability, they are less important than the five-hundred and forty-two. Shitty as it seems.

There’s technically a war. If you could call the opposing sides... attempts a war. No major casualties or uber gruesome happenings though.

There are some injuries, of course, their big but not graphically described as far as I’ve seen up to the current chapter limit.

Pros: GREAT FUCKING WRITING!!! Great research and really immersive too!!!

Hari and Naruto because each others precious people, and Harry protects Naruto as best she, a civilian and witch, can.

The Japanese That Doesn’t Need To Be Written Because You’re Writing This In English And It Doesn’t Make Sense And Is Awkward isn’t present which is always a plus. 

It’s really unique and different from what is normally written in these situations (Not that there’s anything wrong with what we normally get!!!) from how a female main character reacts (Very Harry Potter-ish) and whatnot to her romance with other characters to her friendship with them, and also I love the way her relationships are with everyone! It’s just, so, refreshing for a female MC to be written like this, like getting that first bite of watermelon in the middle of summer, and jumping in the pool, or a drink of hot chocolate in the middle of a snowy night.

Not to mention! The way Hari interacts with the world around her and manages to change everything even though she wasn’t trying, and the way she still isn’t overpowered regardless for all that she can use her magic at will. UGH!!! IT’S JUST SO GOOD

Aesthetic: It’s like drinking fresh lemonade after a hard days work, like swimming in your best friends pool after you finish your homework, it’s like a warm cup of tea after a stressful day, and cuddling up to a friend or lover, like dancing to your favorite song while you’re all alone in your kitchen. It is like being alone, but not lonely, ad being with a few good friends but not ignored. It is freeing and refreshing and relaxing and exciting and new and old and so much more. It feels happy, for lack of a better word. Very, subtly, happy.

Gif Aesthetic: Oh my god yes, this is Hari

and this is what the romance in this fic reminds me of

and this somehow reminds me of several characters at once

And this one too sometimes, which is nice

and this (Except Boruto doesn’t exist obviously, I think this fic was actually started before Boruto even came into the picture actually) is what the fighting looks like

except for when it looks like this

Hari and Luna fucking everything up while everyone else watches and decides it is safest to just, not interfere with the crazy witches.

Hari, Death, and Luna/Runa planning who to fuck up protect next

Every single Rookie Nine without fail

(Scroll back up and look at how cute the slimy kitty yawns!!! She’s so cute!!!)

[ssephicuss]

Date ideas with the obey my boys

I'm feeling kinda sad right now so I'm gonna post these date ideas I've had in my notes for forever ^^

Lucifer

Wine tasting

Well he gives off big mum energy so yeah

It's classy, it's elegant and I think it suits him well

Tipsy lucifer is affectionate lucifer

Origami/crafts

I feel like that he really enjoys making those little paper cranes, it's theraputic and they look nice

He's really good it at, teaching MC how to do origami would boost his ego a tonne, especially if MC has no idea how to do paper crafts

He would do the thing where he puts his hand on top of MC's and shows them how to fold the paper

Really it's just an excuse to try to fluster MC

Mammon

Drive in movie

Mammon for sure gives off drive in movie vibes, the kind where it's an old black and white horror flick

Tries to wrap his arm around MC, acting all suave

MC notices and leans into him, gets him all flustered

Mammon is notoriously bad with horror flicks, he tries to be all brave but hides behind MC for a good portion of the movie

Plus drive in movies aren't the most expensive dates either

Photoshoot

Now unlike the horror movie, he is in his element

He teaches MC how to pose for photos

They take plenty of matching outfit pictures together

No one knows, but he keeps a small passport sized photo of MC from their modeling session in his wallet

Whenever he's sad, he takes it out and gives it a quick kiss, always brightens up his day

Leviathan

Arcade games

He would love to take out his henry to the arcade

He's a seasoned cranesanity user, so he's in his element

If MC wants a specific prize from an arcade machine, you best believe he is going to get it

Will not stop until he gets it

May end up spending all his grimm on that machine

Actually loves those dancing arcade games, if you pick an anime op, he's already won

Go karting

Okay but this is totally his vibe

He would LOVE THIS

He's really tall so his knees would be really high up but he's having a great time

Gets super competitive with this, gets pouty if he loses, but after a quick kiss, he's fine

He'd want the pink go kart, it reminds him of ruri-chan

Satan

Botanical gardens

He would love this so much

It's nice and warm, the flowers are in bloom

He would take MC to a bench that's surrounded by rose bushes and such

It's a great place for him to talk to MC

He holds MC's hand and brushes his thumb over their knuckles, eagerly listening to whatever MC he's to say

He loves the scenery, but he loves being with MC even more

He would have prepared a picnic, with cute small sandwiches and fruit (cat shaped cus cute)

Art museum

He is a connesure of the arts

He loves looking into art history, any knowledge behind the painting and he's interested

He's an absolute art nerd and I love him for it

If he comes across a painting that he knows a lot about, he will go on a tangent about it

He'll apologise for talking so much (didn't want to be a bother), but MC assures him that they enjoyed hearing him speak

MC let's him nerd out as much as he wants for the rest of the date

Asmodeus

Thrifting

Asmo loves a good thirft shop

Sure he loves to splash out on his clothes and appearance in general

But he loves the joy of finding that perfect item of clothing, the one that you just can't find anywhere else

He'd find a bunch of items, and he'd do a little diy project with MC, tailoring their thrifted finds

He loves a good vintage moment

Mini golf

Okay hear me out here

I really think that asmo would like mini golf

One of the very aesthetic mini golf courses

He would stop at every course to take photos for his devilgram page

He would find you two the cutest golfing outfits possible

He loves how cute and dainty everything is

After the golfing, he and MC would stop at a cute little cafe for smoothies and gossiping chatting

Beelzebub

Now I'm a big beel stan and I don't like how his whole personality is just food

So

Hiking

He would love to take MC out hiking

He loves swing the sights, atop hike trails where the scenery is beautiful

He would help carry MC if they couldn't keep up

Just loves being with MC, loves every minute he spends with them

They talk, talk about silly things, stories from the human world, stories of the brothers and their mischief

MC gets tired after, so Beel carries them down on his back

Paining date

I feel like a relaxing watercolor painting date would be nice

He doesn't seem like the type to paint, but I love the idea of this big hulking guy, painting a cute dainty river

He really is a sweet guy, he decides that he wants to paint a landscape of MC's favourite season

He isn't the best at it, but MC can tell he put his heart and soul into that painting

Belphegor

Movie marathon

He would have a movie marathon up in the attic with MC

Pillows and blankets strewn everywhere, to make it as comfortable as possible

Would probably watch a series of sorts

Maybe harry potter, and laugh at how the human world portrayed magic

Would end up falling asleep curled up with MC in their huddle of blankets

Lego building

This one came to me a little randomly

But MC would get one if those big lego sets to do together

He would probably grumble a bit in the beginning

But after they started, he would become more interested and would actually want to finish it

While MC is looking for a certain piece, he would snipe they instructions away from them, and would only give them back after a kiss on the cheek

This happens multiple times

[lunaralight09]

Could you do books that the scps might read?

Books that the SCPs might read

SCP 035 Anna and the French Kiss by Stephanie Perkins Anna is shipped off to boarding school in Paris where she meets the super-charming Etienne, and that's when things get interesting. I was a squealing, giggly, mush-fest all the while through reading this book. Stephanie Perkins knows just how to turn a seemingly ordinary love story into an unputdownable read. SCP 040 Your Brain Needs a Hug: Life, Love, Mental Health, and Sandwiches Just the title of this book by Rae Earl makes us feel a little lighter. And we don’t know about you, but our brains could definitely use a hug right now. While the book is geared towards teens, we found Earl’s advice to be relevant for all ages — particularly for anyone who struggles with depression, anxiety, social media addiction, and self-esteem issues. TBH, pretty much anyone can benefit from this book! SCP 049 And the Mountains Echoed by Khaled Hosseini And the Mountains Echoed is such an amazing and heartwarming read. It's about a pair of siblings that fate cruelly separates and then finally reunites. A must-read for its simple yet gripping narration and amiable characters. SCP 049-j The Red Notebook by Antoine Laurain This is a French romance novella, and basically a love letter to book lovers. There's mystery, romance, and some of the most beautifully crafted sentences and paragraphs I have ever read. The ending is so sweet, even though you wonder how you ever got there so soon. SCP 053 Lulu and the Rabbit Next Door by Hilary McKay Lulu and her cousin help their neighbor Arthur learn to love and care for his (neglected) rabbit. She doesn’t want her neighbor to feel bad so she writes the rabbit little notes with helpful gifts signed from her own pet rabbit named Thumper. It’s a kind way to show Arthur how to take care of his new pet SCP 073 HumanKind: Changing the World One Small Act At a Time Looking for heart-warming stories of kindness and compassion? HumanKind by Brad Aronson was made for you. But the book isn’t only full of uplifting stories that will move you to happy tears, it’s also packed with practical and actionable tips for how to be kinder in your everyday. One thing is for sure: after you put this book down, you’ll feel inspired to do something nice for someone else. And because of that, we think this is one of the best books on the planet! SCP 076 Do Unto Animals We absolutely DEVOURED this book by Tracey Stewart. Whether you’re looking for tips on how to better understand skunks and squirrels or read your pet’s body language, every page is full of compassionate wisdom about to treat animals in a way that they deserve. Also, the illustrations are absolutely beautiful — we nearly wanted to pet the pages because the animal drawings were so lovable. SCP 079 Walden (Henry David Thoreau) With the outdoorsman renaissance happening as we speak, it is nice to look back at one of the books that probably started it. Walden isn’t the bore you read back in middle school, it takes time to appreciate like a nice bottle of red. Thoreau’s masterpiece tackles so much while quietly nudging your brain into activity. It also makes you want to build a cabin SCP 096 Black Beauty by Anna Sewell Told from the perspective of the horse, this story is so beautifully written that it's easy to get lost in it's pages. I laughed and cried, as did my daughter when she read it. SCP 105 Dandelion Wine by Ray Bradbury Warm and fuzzy the whole way through, Dandelion Wine is by far the best story to make you feel good. Though I'm not the correct age to directly relate to the young adult story, I still felt the warm summer days and the wonder of it all. SCP 106 Catch-22 – Joseph Heller “War is hell,” is the old adage we all know, but Catch-22 looks to modify that a bit. Instead, war becomes super goddamn weird. The book follows a bomber squadron in the Second World War whose collective sanity is slowly being eroded by whatever passes for power. Throughout it all, the main character keeps trying to prove himself insane enough to be kicked out of the Navy, which is precisely why he can’t

be kicked out. Which is a catch 22 and yes, this is where the phrase comes from. It’s a great extrapolation of quirks and idiosyncrasies we see in day to day life, only this time, they’re affecting war SCP 134 (I know she don't have eyes . But there is a books for blind people) A Mango-Shaped Space by Wendy Mass A Mango-Shaped Space is about a 13-year-old girl with synesthesia (she can see, taste, and hear colors) and her journey in getting a diagnosis and accepting herself and all her differences. It's sort of a coming-of-age story, too. As someone with multiple chronic illnesses who has gone through the same process at the same age, this really was an incredible reading experience. One of my favorite quotes is "We all do the best we can, trying to keep all the balls in the air at once." I recommend it to everyone. SCP 173 Rabbit, Run (John Updike) The greatest mid-life crisis novel of all time doesn’t actually deal with a mid-life crisis at all. Harry “Rabbit” Angstrom is 26 when he decides to leave his wife and son for a new life. Of course, what that new life is, and what exactly he wants out of it isn’t clear to the reader or to Rabbit himself. It will strike a cord with all men who struggle with the idea of settling down. SCP 239 The Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling SCP 682 THE WOLF AND THE WATCHMAN BY NIKLAS NATT OCH DAG If you're the kind of person that can't get enough of Scandi noir films, TV shows and literature, then Niklas Natt och Dag's The Wolf And The Watchman should be next on your reading list. Set in 18th-century Stockholm, this tale is as dark as it gets, following the titular watchman and a detective as they hunt down the killer behind a dismembered corpse that appears in a local pond. As gruesome as it is gripping, it's the perfect literary companion as the nights get longer and increasingly eerie. SCP 847 The Case Against Satan by Ray Russell Two priests are called in to examine a girl who might be possessed by the devil. The Exorcist, right? Nope, it’s Ray Russell‘s The Case Against Satan, a novel of theological horror that beat William Peter Blatty’s book to print by eight years. The Case Against Satan is as much the story of a crisis of faith as it is a supernatural tale, and readers looking for a nuanced take on both should give it a try SCP 953 THE PILLOW BOOK BY SEI SHŌNAGON If you want to learn a bit more about the Japan of the past – and also, weirdly, all of us in the present – The Pillow Book is a cult classic you should absolutely try. Sei Shōnagon was a lady-in-waiting in the court of Empress Teishi in the year 1000 and here she collects her thoughts and musings about court life. To read a woman more than 1,000 years ago being as philosophical, neurotic and scandalous as anyone is today on social media is a thrill that lasts from the start to the end. SCP 1678 Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden Absolutely moving, the struggles Sayuri faces are painted so beautifully by Arthur Golden's masterful craft that you totally empathize with her as she grows and triumphs in a world designed to see her fail. The ultimate conclusion of the novel fills me with such warmth — it's both entirely unexpected and wholeheartedly appreciated.

[dovesnroses]

What the Demon Brothers Smell Like:

Lucifer: cardamom, amber, and smoke

• Lucifer is a cologne wearing guy – he never leaves his room without some

• Sprays it at his neck the inside of his elbows and his wrists

• In meetings with Diavolo, he greets their guests with a firm handshake, and his scent entrances them. It’s intoxicating and intimidating.

• After centuries, the smell lingers in his room and on his clothes

• When he hugs you, it’s never overpowering. To you, it smells like fire just smoldering enough to keep you warm

• Because he’s mostly a 1940’s movie character, Lucy will spray some on a handkerchief and gift it to you when you’re apart.

• You eventually steal his sweater

Mammon: Citrus, Wood, and Leather

• Mammon smells expensive

• He has as many colognes as Asmo has perfumes

• Prefers fresher scents that won’t have him dizzy during a photoshoot

• He’ll douse himself in cologne. It’s a part of his after shower routine.

• When is Mammon not wearing his leather jacket? The smell sticks to the rest of his clothes, so he produces a “Louis Vuitton store” than a natural musk.

• He’s got a car in his room for Diavolo’s sake.

• If you comment on a new cologne, he’ll blush and say, “It’s not like I got it with you in mind, Stupid Human.”

• Even though he did.

• Asmo once told him that a human’s body chemistry reacts differently to different scents. If you like a smell, he may go into your room and spray his cologne across your clothes, or he might gift you a bottle.

Leviathan: Cardboard, Lake, but mostly Sugar

• The smell of opening a cardboard box? That’s Levi’s entire room. Since his door is never opened and his room is filled with Akuzon boxes, it probably smells a little warehouse-y.

• Levi himself probably smells like the lake. I HC that the bros probably have a lake behind the house (think the Great Lake in Harry Potter). He probably goes there where no one can bother him and chills when things become too overwhelming.

• When you hug him, it reminds you of standing on a pier over a lake on a summer night.

• Levi has purchased every Ruri-Chan perfume twice (one for use and one for display)

• These things are **SWEET**.

• Think ‘Viva La Juicy’ by Juicy Couture and any celeb perfume

• He’ll spray it on his tub, hoodie, his uniform

• It’s a lot sometimes, but it works for him.

Satan: Bergamot and Linen

• I don’t believe Satan is a cologne wearer unless its for special occasions.

• Naturally Satan smells like fresh laundry that’s hung out in the sun to dry

o Funny considering there is no sun in Devildom

• He’s not a coffee drinker, but he loves tea a lot hence the bergamot smell

• And because he’s always in the library, he smells like a Sunday morning spent in bed.

• His cologne is a little of Mammon and Lucifer. It’s citrus but just a hint of spice.

• It doesn’t mask anything and only enhances how great Satan smells

• If you don’t see him put it on, you’d never tell he was wearing it. He only sprays it on his chest.

• His room and the library smell like this

Asmo: Peony and Blush Suede, Apples

• Asmo likes perfume. He is a connoisseur.

• He’s all about trying new scents in baths, lotions, sprays.

• His room sometimes smells like a bath and body works. Lucifer asks him to air out his room at least twice a week.

• He’s particularly fond of scents that are like him (floral, luxurious, seductive)

• To me, he smells like Jo Malone’s Peony and Blush Suede cologne

• Asmo doesn’t care if an item is “gender-specific”. If he likes the smell, he’ll buy it

• If you catch him in the morning and he hasn’t lathered something on, Asmo will naturally smell of Apples

• You said this once, and he responded with, “Why don’t you take a bite to see if I taste like apples too ;D.”

• Nothing smells bad on him.

• He’ll regularly spray you with things to see if it smells better on you. If he deems it, so you’re getting gifts.

Beel: Sweat and Pine

• Beel plays sports, and Beel gets sweaty, so usually, he comes home smelling of sweat and deodorant.

• But Beel naturally doesn’t smell that bad.

• It’s a warm ‘running through the forest’ kinda smell

• He’ll tell you not to hug him if he’s sweaty, but you couldn’t care less.

• It’s actually infuriating, because as a human you know you’d be rank if you sweat as much as Beel.

• After a shower he smells like soap and pine (think Irish Springs)

• You also steal his shirts. It’s just so easy to fall asleep wrapped in that comforting smell.

• He doesn’t bother with cologne.

• A lot of times also smells like spices from cooking/eating

Belphie: Lavender and Rumpled Sheets

• Our fave edge lord absolutely owns a diffuser in his room by his bed.

• He has bottles of cedar-wood and lavender essential oil on his nightstand that he puts into the diffuser at bedtime

• Like Beel, he’s not too big on cologne – it’s not like he’s had use for them for a long time…

• His natural scent is a little spicy, so all of this combined smells cozy and warm

• The couches, pillows, and blankets all smell like him

• No matter your relationship with him (friend or lover), Belphie’s scent calms you the most.

———————-

[monkey-network]

Who is Best Girl in Konosuba?

Welcome back, fellow weebs, to Media & Entertainment Developers Essentials Lessons Book. Today on MEDELB, we’re discussing the question that existed since one of the most disastrous years in the 21st century, 2017. A question that dives into one the greatest anime of all time. Yes, even better than Dragon Ball Z, Cowboy Bebop, and Steven Universe. I am talking about KonoSuba: God's Blessing on this Wonderful World! Today we’re discussing: who is best girl? Aqua? Darkness? Megumin? Your father?

Now it’s important to know that KonoSuba is genius because it supports judicial simplication, a professional term that I can break down for you. Judicational Sampling is the idea that a free society does not impinge on the actual taxing benefits of localized source banks. KonoSuba is genius because it made a lot of money... to make more KonoSuba. It is not Disney, whom is the greatest bottom in the Hollywood industry, but in truth I wouldn’t want it to be. Sometimes, genius is fine where it is and you shouldn’t question it. There are people who question why KonoSuba originated as a light novel, and those people are to be shunned because they also believe Harry Potter is worth reading, straight people are bad, and that ranch dressing is good on pizza. You know, the alt-right and we have enough problems on our hands as it is. And as the great Joe Biden once said,

But today’s focus will be on discussing on who is best girl and how that affects our society. And if you are one of the people unaware of this discussion, then perhaps you should realize that any comments you have contradict themselves and function as your self-righteous wannabe soapbox. In short, you’re acting like a su crit, so please read history. Because ultimately, I am a proud KonoSuba kinnie and member of the intellectual anime community founded by the General Rebecca Sugar. I would appreciate it if you would recognize the context and respect. It. Because ultimately again, I sent you all a respectful anon about this earlier today which you ignore and this sounds, smell, looks, feels, tastes... like Racism. But back to KonoSuba, let us discuss Megumin.

Now, Megumin is a good person. She can create explosions which are big.... explosions, this represents her pride. She wears red which is the color of your blood, so that could mean satanic blood pacts. Megumin represents the resolve in critical deductive intelligent smart reasoning where blind subservience has been... eradicated. But what is blind, subservience? For a simple understanding, think of it as the cooked Molotov of slice of life shows or some other perceptively anodyne prosaic internationalized statement.

Overall, Megumin is a short person so choosing her as best girl is pedophilia and if you try to tell me otherwise, you are a nazi troll and deserve the chamber. And if you agree with me, don’t speak if you’re Afro-American like myself. Because this is just a cartoon for kids and you’re complaining too much about it. Or am I?

Next, we have Darkness, which is a force parallel to light and is also used in the form of attacks in the Kingdom Hearts universe. Those who follow the path of Darkness will usually gain untold power at the expense of something of their former selves, so this naturally explains why she is an explicit masochist. Then again, her real name is Lalatina Dustiness Ford which explains a lot more. We continue asking who she is, and what she is, but nobody is asking how Darkness is. Because looking like the poster child for Aryan superiority with her blonde hair and blue eyes, she isn’t capable of being best girl because that would mean the guillotine for you and I love you too much to not let that happen. She is overall the better character for inventing good things like the dominatrix, but she cannot be best girl because she is a good character and supports capitalism. I too support capitalism but I hate people who think capitalism is alright, if that makes sense.

Aqua is a better contender for best girl because I was fortunate enough to see less porn of her. Kazuma notably has called her worthless, but Kazuma is what internet users would call an braincel. He played video games, so obviously he isn’t one to be speaking on value. Aqua was able to survive getting vored by a frog multiple times, so clearly she is more cunning than the average E-girl. Aqua is able to make the most of her situation and entertain people with watersports.... and tricks. Kingdoms Hearts wishes it had a character named Aqua as cool as this one, but then again, you’d have to wait 4 more years for KH4 so what life would you have? She is mostly blue, which is a color, and I prefer it when anime has color. If it doesn’t, it’s racist. As the wise Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez once said this last November, 

This Disproves Objective Analysis.

She represents the element of the holy flood thesis joining the narrative tripling in subsequent disagreement that there any factual basis to the truth that Kazuma is wrong but because there’s simple authentic observation there is no objective truth. Plus she cries a lot, and if there’s anything I learned from Steven Universe, it’s that if you cry good enough, you can topple entire totalitarian empires. Except for General Rebecca Sugar, because she can smell your fear and absorb it accordingly. She is basically the Mother Teresa of animation. Again, great contender. But we have to consider the others so let’s move on.

Next, we have Wiz. 

...

...

Next, we have Sylvia from their first and latest movie. It’s as they say, if it is new, it is better. I believe Sylvia is more than the sum of their parts, they are caring and charismatic and can turn into a powerful creature. None of the other characters can turn into a powerful creature, and that is why they possess internalized misogyny. The slimy veneer of quasi empiricism can be a very disgusting tool for nefariously slipping in one’s own rotten viewpoint or value. One that you know might otherwise be c̷h̵a̷l̸l̸e̴n̴g̴e̸d̴ ̵a̸s̴ ̸r̵i̷t̸u̵a̷l̵i̴s̵t̷i̴c̵a̷l̶l̵y̶ ̶s̷u̸p̸e̸r̶l̴a̷t̴i̶v̵e̸ ̵o̶r̸ ̷p̶e̵r̵h̷a̵p̵s̵ ̷y̵o̴u̸ ̸t̵h̴i̴n̸k̵ ̷t̴h̶a̶t̶ ̶w̷͍͍̠͉͚̦̦͛̔̓͗̏ā̵̛̬̜̂͋ṙ̸̨̐̌̈̅ ̸̦͔̣̮͔͋̊̑̕i̷̛͎̽̅́͑s̴̠̩̟̝͙̍̏̀͌̑̕ ̷͚͔̦̜̜͊̾̽͊͂j̸̡̨̣̙̮̓͘ų̵̣͚̹̱̐͌̎̑̈̎̆s̶̢͚̺͉̰͂̄̉̾͑ț̵̤̭͔̲̲̮̀͒̏̐̓ ̵̡̙̟̖͐́͋͝p̷̙̳̣̫͍̬͗̽͒̀e̸̻̯̽̆̇́͑͒a̵̡̞̣̫̫̯̰̿͛̅̄̅͂c̷̀͐̊͗͝ͅē̵̠͕̫̙ ̶̻̼̳͑̓̈́̿͐ŵ̷̼̝̣͇̞̞̺̍͋i̸̠͓̪̣̜͍̘͊͂̀̄t̸̟̣͉̼͑̒͜h̵̥̗̲̩̑̏́͜ ̵̡̠͉̝̾̆̌̇͐e̷̢̨̼̺͖̒̈́̃̃̆x̸̟̟͂́̄̍͛́̄t̴͖̣̼̫͇͐͋̆̽̎̚r̷͎̙̯͈͉̲̚a̵̩͎̥̺̮͂̀̃̚ ̸̠̜̣̥̜͍̠̌ṡ̴̢̡̐̽̅̃̇ͅt̴̖̣̹͙̙̼̟̔̐̚͝͝ĕ̵͔͍̤̼̂͌̐̑p̸̡̹̪̻͔̬͕̃̚s̸̫̙̈͛̉̋̉͝ ̶͔͚̽͝y̸̨̘͎̠͕̺̽̉̃o̶̜̥̺͔͑̏ͅu̵̓͜ ̴̨̦͉̀̊͊̓̌̃f̶̢̮̱̳̖̟̼̰͒̊̈͜i̸̯̼̫̩͚̇̉l̸̢̢̯̗̠̪̹͈͎͚̬̭̮̣̬̿̈́̍͘t̸͕͕̮̻̭̰̬͎̻̰̬̙̟̀́̍̋h̷̡̡͎͙̘̩̞̤̰̳͖͙̺͈̅̓͆ͅy̴̡̢̳̤̮̘̻͚̲̪̳̭̗̙͈̽́̔̄̓͊̅̍̓͗͑̓̈̿͝,̵̛͙͚̒͐̍̅̓͗͌̕ ̷̢̡͚̮̜͚͈̖̥̳̹̦̙͈̄́́͛̈́̈́ͅt̸̛̼̯̯̠̰͓̩͍̺̊̽̔͂͑̕ë̵̢̖͕̰͕̜̹̰̫͙̣̩͈́͐͐̿̆̽͌̓̀͐̊̑̀̆͗̕͜ͅͅs̴̢̡̜̯̀͋͛͒͐̌̓̕t̸̠̳̱̙̃̓̽̈̔͗̏̋̓̈̏ ̷̧̧̤͉̦̲̜͔̫̤̯́̽͊̕̚t̸̘̲̼̜̱̿̿͑̽́̈́͋̔͘u̶��͍̞̜͜b̸̛̯̙̼̜͙̏̓̄̽͆̏͘͝ẹ̷̛̉̑̂ ̵̡̡̞͓̱̤̞̫͛̎̆͘͝b̸̡̡̟̫̱́̔̓̋͗̃̊ǫ̶͍͕̼̥̳͕͖̥͈̼̳̎̒͋ͅŕ̶̢̨̧̛̞̝̰̠͍̥̓͛͗͛̃̏̂ņ̷͔̞̜̟̱̮͍͎̹̬̠̰̳̌͠͝,̸̙͕͓̟̥̜͛ ̶̛͓͊̉̑̍̀̿̽̅̓̂͝͝a̷̧͕͎̜̮̟͚̮̦̜̝̺̿̈́̍̀͂̔͝ņ̴̛̰̮̟̤̭̘̲̠̹̲̟̎̉͂̃̈́̅̂͒͑͠͝ͅͅṱ̶̛̥̘̬̖̳̤͈̟̫̻̘̻̅́̿̓͂̒͂̓̏̐̔̈́̊̊͜į̷̧̱͚̱͉̲̺̬͕̙̀̅̔̆-̷̫͈̳̩͔̠͕͖̹̲̓͊̂̅̈́̔̈́̔̍̎̒̇͌́̃͘͜͜S̶̘̻̱͖̗̠̩̥̝̺̻͕̪̯̊͒͆̽͐́̀͠͝ͅJ̸̨̝̲̬͕͈̘̞̠̱͖̮̒͑̈́̎̃̄̍̃̚͘̚͝ͅͅẂ̸̡̖͉̞͍̙̲͈͈̜̼̪̯̱͇͉̋́͋̎́͗̿̋̈́͂̈́̽̉̚ ̴̣͓̼̟̼̬̙̜͈̰̼̼̖̣̆̅̋̽̕͝͠C̷̙͉̭̜̭̞̝̲̳̰̊̓̃͝E̵̤̟̮͠N̵̨̢̼̱̺̭̦̟̳̪̻̘̿͛̀͜ͅT̸̹͚̆͆͐̊̀̏͑̓̈͝ͅR̸̛̮̲͇̼̻͇̹̙̞̤͎̗̾̊̈́͊͗̋͑̅̿̓̐̔̔͝͝ͅI̵̧̩͕̼̱͚͈̻͎̮̝̖̰̐̑͛̎̂̃̇̇̀̈́́̃̕͠S̶̞̘͔̈́̒̑͒́T!! But, Sylvia is dead, so as much as I wanted to consider, they can’t be best girl so we must move on. 

Next we have Yunyun. It is said that she “forms a rivalry with Megumin as an excuse to create a friendship.” Now we could call her a beta cuckquean, but that would imply you have a life outside a human being. As our current president once said, 

I’m never a Trump supporter myself, but this is wisdom I can kinda get behind regardless. Sure he ghost wrote this, but not all wisdom comes from the mouth. However, Yunyun represents the normalcy of KonoSuba, and as such could be a nice change of pace for those too dependent on the definitive waifu. She has big jiggly boobs, sure, but have you ever considered that her boobs have, personality? A lot of otakus and bronies have not been understanding this as of late, as I feel we’ve overlooked something far more important: Tactile anime feel. We can stare at breasts all we wish, but how realistic are her proportions? You can say it’s fiction all you want, and you’d be right, but if I’m envious that the fiction women have better boobs than mine, my opinion is now better than yours. What I’m getting at is that Yunyun is like a ghost, you try to find her, you search for them, and you look for them, and you try to find them, but you can’t find them, thus they are empty handed.

The last contender is Kazuma, who is the villain of KonoSuba because he doesn’t act like the typical isekai protagonist. He isn’t like Kirito from SAO who was almost involved in incest or Sonic the Hedgehog who believed stalking people is okay as long as you’re alone. As Luigi Mario once said, “It is common, but not too common.” He spits in the face of a critically stupid people because he believes in true gender equality. Those who don’t believe in this philosophy are mostly women, and that’s okay. He must clearly be best girl because he is asserted with the phrase “Give and take”. Most people complain about 11 hour Youtube videos, but they can hardly spend three hours overthrowing their bastardizing governments. Which is why Ligma is not running in the 2020 presidential election, because you keep putting your time in the wrong cubby hole. KonoSuba is a complicated anime, and Kazuma is the crux of that complication. So the sooner you can understand Kazuma, the more you’ll understand KonoSuba; that is why he’s considerably best girl. Otherwise, go play World of Warcraft like the mainstream loving psuedo-intellectual toesucking simp that you are.

To conclude, KonoSuba has a lot to think about for a smart people. Choosing best girl is not about finding your interest, it’s about avoiding callout culture because you have shit taste. If there’s enough controversy, I avoid it unless it can benefit me in the long and short term. Clearly Aqua is the choice for when you yourself have little to prove, Yunyun understandably for when you have nothing to gain, Kazuma for when you want to feel better about yourself. In any case, if you are not horny on main, you are probably the reason Trump got elected because you are yourself sexually fascistic. Sorry, I don’t make the rules and ergo this post was never made for you. Real, in-depth nitty gritty perspective, prescriptive criteria for denationalization context barriers are still alive on the internet. Ultimately, we must decide on whether or not this was all worth it. Simplicity is hard to strive for, but that is why people only use five percent of another’s argument. Or else we’re fans of the She-ra reboot, always over-complicating the idea that kinship will save the day in the end and thinking the creator didn’t copy the great works of famous Shark Tale actor Martin Scorsese. You know? Tankies. I myself have made a long post expressing this complicated issue, but then again, I am a chronophobe. I fear time and I would appreciate if you wouldn’t timeshame me, you potential ablest. So in truth, you choose who is best girl because you are valid. Not more than I but still.

Thank you for reading my post. If you liked this essay, please comment. It’s free. If you liked my paypal, please donate. It’s free. Sharing this would be highly appreciated. It’s free. Dollar Dash Share is offering a free shaving earbud for the first ten sign ups when you use the promo code, ‘MNKY’. Make sure to try out their Curiosity streaming service and use the 5000 silver to unlock new warriors or maps. Thank you for reading............ KonoSuba.

[reylonly]

volume one

✿ a collection of must reads for the reylo fan

-this is something i’ve been working on for a while! i figured it would be a nice way to welcome the new reylos and also for us seasoned two-years to read some of our favorite works again before the last jedi.  

-the list is separated into three categories: one shots, multi-chapter works (1 to 10 chapters) and novel length (anything more than 10 chapters) 

-there are also separated lists for alternate universe and star wars universe stories. (a few could go either way, but if it’s based in a galaxy far far away, it goes in the second category.)

-every fic on this list is complete. there are many great works not on this list that deserve recognition, (i’m looking at you, thwarted and satan wears a rolex) but they will appear in later volumes.

-many volumes to come! vol. two is being worked on right now. feel free to send me/share any other completed fics you love or have written and i would love to include them in the coming volumes. happy reading!  

[volume one] [volume two] 

one shots

alternate universe

-desire is the drug of the bourgeoisie by UndergroundValentine

✿ but it had come to the last roll of the night. all cards on the table, all in. one roll, and everything they’d put forward was gone.

-rare and imprecise by ReyloTrashCompactor

✿ soul bond au. rey and kylo both have a phrase etched along their backs, the future words of their destined soulmates.  

-loveliness itself by cazzy

✿ famous actor kylo ren refuses to see any potential in up-and-coming actress rey until they finally act alongside one another, and then she’s brilliant, so brilliant that his entire philosophy on the crippling emotion of love is altered.

-and all my walls came falling down by cazzy

✿ dealing with years of unrequited love is much more difficult when the object of your affections insists on moving in with you. 

-this together, any together by shipatfirstsight

✿ when rey wakes up–unable to use the force–in a strange new world, she’s not exactly happy at first to have to share it with kylo ren.

in star wars universe 

-your sweet lips (on my lips) by TheJGatsby

✿ rey looses a bet with poe and has to kiss ben solo. 

-he’d let her by Lucidlucy

✿ kylo didn’t allow for a lot of things, except when it came to the scavenger. the leeway he afforded her was a mile long. despite his better judgement, he’d let her do just about anything.

-calm as the sea by Lucidlucy

✿ he’s in her head constantly, refusing to back down on his offer to teach her, and unfortunately for rey, kylo ren has never been one to give up until he gets what he wants.

-denial by cazzy

✿ rey is not dating kylo ren. dating a recently “reformed,” patricidal, emotionally unstable former sith man-baby she barely knows would be a terrible idea.

-the one thing you leave behind (is how did you love) by MostTulip

✿ kylo's orders are to turn rey to the dark side. his personal feelings may prevent him from doing so.

multi-chapter

alternate universe (au)

-the girl in terminal b by nightsofreylo (2 chapters long)

✿ ben solo and rey kenobi have the same taste in suitcases.

-nocturnal studies and other peculiar magic by WaterlilyRose (6 chapters long)

✿ the harry potter au from your dreams. truly a beautifully crafted story.

-blades crossed by the-reylo-void (2 chapters long)

✿ rey’s a hockey player. kylo is a professional figure skater who needs a new partner. need i say more? 

-charcoal by luvkurai (7 chapters long)

✿ kylo is an artist. rey is a college student that wanders into a gallery one night.

-janus by englishable (3 chapters long)

✿ rey moves into the apartment beside his, with her flowers and her singing and her brisk optimism, and ben solo knows himself just well enough to realize that a person like him really shouldn’t have anything to do with a person like her.

in star wars universe

-release by WillowsWisp (2 chapters long)

✿ kylo ren wants rey to be his apprentice so badly that he visits her each night in her sleep. he promises to search the entire galaxy in order to find her.  

-world without end by disaterisms (9 chapters long)

✿ we are one when together. we are one when parted. we will share all. we will raise warriors.

-shatterpoint by disasterisms (5 chapters long)

✿ n. 1. fault; the weak place in an opponent. 2. fracture; where the unbreakable can be broken.

-peace with a smile by shipatfirstsight (2 chapters long)

✿ after seeing ben laugh for the first time, rey's willing to do nearly anything to see it happen again. 

-reckless behavior by shipatfirstsight (4 chapters long)

✿ how about a compromise? she suggested, this time assuming a tone of innocence herself. you don’t reveal that I’m here, and I make it worth your while.

  novel length

alternate universe (au)

-she who would be queen by sasstasticmad (36 chapters long)

✿ rey is the last daughter of a once noble house, isolated and yearning for a place in the world. when she receives a letter the day after her eighteenth birthday, it seems her station and her husband have been decided for her.

-unexpected by pontmercy44 (27 chapters long)

✿ ben solo gets rey pregnant after a hook up at a bar. so. well. written!

-epithumia by pontmercy44 (20 chapters long)

✿ teacher/student. “can you make an exception?” a lone eyebrow ascended his lofty forehead into his hairline. “try harder, miss kenobi.” 

-’til i hear you sing by copper_nails (16 chapters long)

✿ the coruscant opera house is putting on a production of phantom of the opera! rey kenobi has hopes of playing christine, and rumor has it kylo ren has been seen lurking around the opera house again, humming some of the show’s best known songs under his breath… 

-ileenium manor by WaterlilyRose (33 chapters long)

✿ rey decided she hated lord benjamin solo before she even met him. so when he comes to take his rightful place as heir to ileenium manor where she works as a maid, it will test rey in ways she couldn’t have imagined.

in star wars universe

-still by Perry_Downing (15 chapters long)

✿ very original and interesting take on a concept that is used heavily in reylo fics – the force bond. what sets it apart is an unconscious rey, a focused plot and believable characters.

-seldom all they seem by ambiguously (24 chapters long)

✿ after a terrible accident, rey wakes up to discover she doesn’t remember the last five years. this is a WILD ride. 

-innocents lost by pontmercy44 (22 chapters long)

✿ ben solo meets a girl while doing community service in jakku.

-commemoration by CharlotteCAgain (54 chapters long)

✿ kylo ren surprises rey in order to commemorate a special occasion, and things go from there. attraction has lead to something far more, and that leads to some dangerous, even desperate ideas as they try to find ways to be together.

-disparate pieces by space_trash_princess (27 chapters long)

✿ this wasn’t a handful of portions or canteen of water being dangled before her eyes, but the fate of millions. she had to take it. 

[tumultuoustuna]

shiro x allura celebrity and fan?

Shallura ain’t my otp by any standards, but I still think I went insane with this one. Enjoy, dear anon.

Local gems are hard to come by sometimes in the consumerist world we live in today. Sure, Starbucks is a good substitute for a neighborhood coffee shop or tea house. But when it came to Garrison’s very own mustached connoisseur and his brews at Nectar of the Gods, Starbucks had nothing. Allura couldn’t agree more. And sure, she was a big actress now, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t sneak out of her house in Daibazaal every so often to visit Garrison and its resident master barista, and the neighboring city of Altea, her home sweet home.

Even if her “best” possible disguise could get her caught easily.

“Allura, I can still tell it’s you,” Coran whispered across the counter, smiling as he cupped his hand around his mouth to keep the words from going too far. “I’m pretty sure anyone with a brain in their skull and good eyes can, too.”

“The sun hat covers my hair, I’m good,” she protested, adjusting said hat.

“A wig is much more effective, Princess.”

“They never work, Coran; my hair’s too poofy.” She sighed and put a hand on her chin to think. “So what’s on the menu? Any seasonal drinks?”

“Indeed; peppermint bark and caramel gingerbread.”

“Those sound amazing.”

“They are indeed; two of my employees came up with them. Amazing, really,” Coran said, smiling with pride and twirling his mustache.

“Truly. I think I’ll try both?”

“Macchiato?”

“You know me too well.” Coran got to work on the first one as Allura continued the conversation. “Are you the only one on staff today?”

“Well, seeing that it’s only, uh, 6:38 am, and Pidge and Shiro don’t come into work till 6:55, 7ish, no. I am not the only one.” Coran poured the coffee into a cup. “And seeing as you like to get up at the crack of dawn like a farmer, I feel like I should be asking you to work here instead.”

Allura shrugged. Her body merely forces her out of bed in the morning now. Her hectic schedule through the years had trained her fast that being up at five in the morning was a healthy thing. And maybe it was; it forced her to bed pretty early too, save she didn’t have a busy night ahead of her. “I guess it’s just instinct?”

“Ah, yes. Instinct. Seeing as most people's’ instinct is to sleep in like a sloth on Sunday, you can see why I ask.”

“Have a job and I love it; I’m good.”

“A job indeed; one you’ve been cultivating from birth.”

Allura chuckled. “My father would agree. He was always impressed with what I could get away with. When I tried, that is.”

Coran handed her the coffee and smiled. “He would always wonder and ask how to deal with you. I distinctly remember him asking how to raise a hell-raiser.”

“Sounds like my dad.”

Coran jumped at the new voice. Behind him was a young woman with short, puffy hair and amber eyes. Round, Harry Potter-like glasses were perched on her nose.

“Pidge, where the quiznak did you come from?!”

“Backdoor. Decided to park in the alley.”

“How did I not hear that?” Coran muttered to himself.

“Maybe because you were too busy talking to notice.”

He chuckled nervously. “Possibly.”

“So, who’s this?”

“Oh! I am glad you asked. Pidge, this is the daughter of an old friend of mine- do you mind if I tell?” Allura shook her head. “This is Ms. Allura; who is my adopted niece and now daughter.”

Pidge’s brow raised. “She can’t be both your niece and daughter, Coran.”

“Well, I was his niece before I was his daughter; he just calls me both,” Allura clarified.

“Okay Pidge, time to get to it!” Coran clapped his hands in vigor. “There’s a caramel gingerbread macchiato to be made.”

“I’ve been waiting to concoct this one,” Pidge said enthusiastically as she rubbed her hands together and cracked her knuckles. After washing her hands and tying the burnt orange apron around her waist, she got to work.

“Does she not recognize me?” Allura whispered to Coran as she took a sip of the peppermint and chocolate flavored coffee. It was hot, but she enjoyed its strong taste.

“Pidge is more of a cult movie addict; she hasn’t watched any of your new ones… or anything from this past decade. Hmm.” Coran scratched his head. “I’ll have to recommend a few newer classics to her, now that I think about.”

“Not mine, please? She seems so cool,” Allura asked, taking another sip of her drink.

“Was thinking more Iron Man.”

“Not a bad choice.” She tapped at her fake glasses.

“‘Tis not. Pidge, how’s it looking?”

“Pretty good; Shiro’s recipe is amazing. It smells spectacular.”

The door to the building opened, setting off a soft chime that Allura had heard when she entered. In walked… well, Allura could only describe the young man as perfect. Even in a loose black sweater, you could tell he had the body of a demigod. A horizontal scar ran across his nose but did nothing to mask his beauty.

And quiznak, if Allura wasn’t having a good morning already, she was now.

“Speak of the devil; hey, nerd! Your caramel gingerbread thing smells great. What did you do to come up with this thing, witchcraft?”

“No, Pidge,” Shiro smiled. He quietly lifted the counter piece and placed it back down. “I signed a deal with the devil.”

“And in only the finest of inks I had,” Coran said, casually twirling his mustache.

“I knew you were Satan,” Pidge hooted. Shiro rolled his eyes and swept Pidge into a hug. “Hey! Watch it, I don’t wanna start over!”

“Yeah, yeah. Coran, who’s this young lady?” Allura jumped when he looked at her. His grey eyes were soft.

“Shiro, this is my niece/daughter, Allura,” Coran introduced.

A strange metamorphosis happened in the span of two seconds; Shiro’s expression shifted from neutral to confused to complete elation and the smile on his face widened almost comically.

“Wait, Allura Alten? The Allura Alten?!” Shiro freaks. The two other people in the seating area of the shop glance over at Shiro before going back to their business.

Pidge looks at him strangely. “Wait, what?

Coran sighed. “I knew it was a bad idea to tell you.”

“No, it wasn’t! Um, hi! Hello!” Shiro’s cool demeanor fell even more as he fidgeted with his own apron. “It’s an honor to meet you!”

Allura had dealt with many fanboys in the past. But, compared to them, Shiro’s innocent, fanboying nature was so refreshing. She couldn’t help but laugh. “What’s going on? Why are you freaking out?” Pidge asked again, placing the coffee on the counter. Her face was the epitome of confused.

“It’s nothing, really,” Allura tittered, grabbing the cup.

“Nothing!? It’s not; where do I start, you’re amazing! Your acting is mind-blowing; you can play the damsel in distress as well as you can play the hardened badass soldier!” The theatrics he put into his hands as he talked almost hit Pidge as she attempted to back away, eyes still wide. “Spider was a brilliant movie! You were made to play Coleen! Eh,” Shiro stuck out his hand, revealing its mechanical appearance. “My name is Takashi, but call me Shiro.”

Allura placed one cup down to take his hand. “Nice to meet you, Shiro. And thank you; Spider is my favorite so far, too.” (Which wasn’t a lie, but the new production she was starting held so much potential and she couldn’t talk about it anytime soon).

“Wait, she’s an actress? Is she that one you kept gushing about junior year?”

Coran nodded for Shiro as he ignored her question.

“Gosh, it’s so amazing to see you in real life; you look so different with your hair hidden I didn’t recognize you!” Shiro babbled on. “I’ve been following your work since high school and you’ve inspired me so much in my college career!”

Allura’s interest piqued.  “What do you major in?”

“Game design! Well, game concept art and such, so technically conceptual artwork, not game design.”

The actresses’ eyes widened. “Really? That’s so cool! I love concept art; it’s usually so much detailed and thought out than the final product.”

“Right!? Like, when Fallout 4’s art book came out, did you see that was in there?”

“Mama Murphy and her wheelchair looked so amazing!”

This went on for… a while. Coran finally shooed Shiro out to go geek out with Allura over gaming once more people started showing up. Pidge wanted too as well but decided it was a good thing to be a responsible employee rather than a crazed fanboy. Coran agreed.

Shiro got back to work soon, much to Pidge’s nagging requests. At their lunch break though, the two sat with Allura and Coran to talk nerd as well.

“Okay, so the Overwatch art book; opinion?” Pidge asked.

“Overwatch has an art book?” Coran whispered to her.

“Yes; I’ll bring it in one day.”

“It’s pretty quiznacking cool; the Mercy one is my fav just because of how different she was before. Like, Mercy as a dude? Yes please,” Allura gushed.

“Mercy was a guy?” Coran asked Pidge again.

“Yep.”

“Right?” Shiro blurted. “Or how about Hanzo?”

“I laugh every time I see it.”

“Why?” Pidge asked.

“It’s just hilarious? I don’t know. The thought of having Hanzo having been that overpowered and crazy is just… Eh? As a Mercy main it would’ve been ten times scarier.”

“Gotta protect your healer though.”

“Tell that to the casual noobs.”

“Who hasn’t?” Shiro sighed.

“My friend Hunk, that’s who.”

“Who does he main?”

“Usually Rein, D.va, or Mercy. Occasionally Lucio.”

“Waaaait. Is his username HunkyMonk? Or something like that?” Pidge chirped in question.

“Yeah! Have you played him before?”

“Yes, he was so sweet; the entire time in-game he apologized if he killed us, but was ruthless to those who were assholes on my team. We traded info and now co-op with another guy; LegglyLance I think?”

Allura sputtered. “Lance plays?”

Pidge shrugged. “I guess so?”

“That little liar,” Allura muttered, tone turning snide.

Coran’s phone buzzed and he frowned. “Ah, I’m afraid we’re back on the clock in two. Sorry, Allura.”

“Oh, it’s no problem! I love hanging out with you three.”

“Care to come back tomorrow?” Shiro asked.

Allura beamed and nodded.

With laptop in hand and coffee soon after, Allura continued coming to the Nectar of the Gods for the next two days, managing to avoid being caught by any fans and her manager (who had called her fifty times already). Shiro had become her new best friend in a matter of days; they would talk for the entirety of his lunch break about art, games, science, you name it. Pidge and Coran, of course, would join in too, commenting on their own knowledge on gaming (although Coran’s was limited to mostly Animal Crossing, Pokemon, and DOOM).

Shiro’s fanboy nature had calmed down to his usual self, but Allura still couldn’t help but love the goofy side of him. It would pop-up whenever they talked and Allura loved to be around that enthusiasm.

Now the question was, did this carry over into actual affection? I mean, anyone who had eyes and a brain could confirm he definitely was attractive and he had a personality to boot. But Allura had noticed how close he was to Pidge (who she found out was actually named Katie) and their bond was very strong. If she didn’t know any better she’d think they were dating. That still didn’t stop Allura’s own potential feelings though, now did it?

But not to digress, the third day was pretty much the same (save for the introduction of weekday worker and fellow gamer, Keith Kogane). Keith joined into the discussions at lunch and, surprisingly, was very observant the entire time. Allura found this out when he pulled her aside later.

“You like Shiro, don’t you?” He asked nonchalantly. He even had the audacity to cross his arms and raise his brows in expectation. The sly bastard.

“What? Why would you think that?” Allura started. She could feel her cheeks flaring with heat.

“The entire time we were talking, you had your attention focused on him.”

“Because we were talking strategy!”

Keith gave a look of disbelief but shrugged. “Whatever you say.”

After that, it got Allura thinking more. More about if this was an actual crush. She hoped it wasn’t; she had too much on her plate as it was (at least it felt like it).

She came back the next day, laptop still in hand and mission on the brain. You see, the other reason to come to Garrison was to finish writing a biography about her father, Alfor Alten. It had been a struggle though. Between the amount of information and accomplishments Alfor had gained over the years to Allura’s schedule, she hadn’t had to really write. His friend and colleague, Zarkon, was working on another part of the biography that dealt with their relationship and work. Allura soon hoped to talk with him again about finalizing it.

She was still receiving panicked messages from her manager (“It’s okay, I’m with Coran. No need to worry.” “That doesn’t help, Allura. For Pete’s sake you can’t just up and disappear; everything’s gone pear-shaped!”), but other than that, Allura’s morning had been peaceful. She strolled casually up to the register, sunhat long forgotten in favor of doing her hair into two buns. Glasses still adorned her face and colored contacts hid her unusual blue eyes.

“Anything different today?” Keith asked when Allura came up.

“Why not, Keith; any suggestions?”

Keith smirked. “Our mock unicorn frappuccino.”

“No!”

“Yeah; Coran managed to snag the recipe and lo and behold, it’s ten times better than Starbucks. And-” He looked left and right before peering behind Allura. “-It’s going to become a permanent item on the menu.”

“I am so going to have to drag Lance here.”

Keith rang the order up and Coran started up on it when Pidge and Shiro walked in together. Pidge’s tiny helmet was tucked beneath her arms as she talked non-stop to Shiro, who also held his helmet in a similar manner.

“-but he totally cheated, no doubt. He hacked his Junkrat’s skills and now I’m pissed.”

Shiro shrugged. “That’s Matt for ya.”

“I grew up with the butthead. I know.”

“Good morning you two,” Allura greeted. “What’s this I hear about cheating?”

“My brother has a habit of hacking things he doesn’t need to.”

“Ah.”

Shiro chuckled. “Well, seeing as he’s still really good at Overwatch and just chooses to hack is just ironic.”

“Is Junkrat his main?”

“Him and Genji.”

“You nerds,” Keith laughed. He was handed the drink and topped off the frappuccino with whipped cream and sprinkles.

“You main Genji and Hanzo, I don’t wanna hear it.”

“I’m just a casual; and a pretty good one at that.”

“How does that not make you a nerd?” Coran asked, taking the frappe back before Keith used it as a projectile (he’d done it before; the customer deserved it, granted, since he was messing with Pidge, but still).

Allura was handed the drink and sat down in her spot before she could really get into the conversation. A new email from her manager popped up instantly. It read since he knew she was in Garrison now, he was coming for her. I’m so scared. Her father’s biography was more important at the moment.

There was so much material he covered in his years up to his death. It was getting harder to sort things out the more she delved in. She texted Zarkon a few times, hoping to send her half to him for some advice. He answered soon, saying he would after a meeting. Allura groaned.

“Having trouble?” Shiro asked from behind the counter.

Allura’s arms removed themselves from her face. “Exuberant amounts.”

“I feel ya. The last assignment I had wasn’t even for my midterms and I’m more than certain my professor counted it for half our grade anyway.”

“That much? Must have been important,” Allura smirked.

Shiro shrugged, face neutral. “Professor Slav is… obnoxious, with this sort of stuff.  Like yeah, I was very proud of it, but at the same time I’m very done with everything by the end.”

“Same; certain productions or parts of them just drag on and on, until I can feel my soul leaving my body.”

“Poetic.”

“Thank you.”

Her phone chimed. A familiar name popped up.

You’re at Nectar right?

Allura sighed. Yes.

A few seconds passed before the door opened again, the little bell chiming, and Allura regretted looking up.

“Found you, bitch.”

In the doorway was her manager, Alejandro “Lance” McClain; and, judging from his expression, he was pissed. “I… can explain.”

“You better.” He strolled in casually, but his stance was stiff with anger. “You’ve been gone for three days too many, barely texted me, and you came to Coran’s without me!”

“I did.”

“The last thing was just personal. For the record, I am offended.”

Keith snorted.

“Well, would you forgive me if I got you a unicorn frap?”

“… maybe.”

With Lance sedated, Allura explained her reasoning was one of relaxation before the craziness of the new movie set in. “If you had just told me, we could’ve avoided all of this, Allura. Do you have any idea how worried Hunk was?” Lance asked, hands waving in agitation.

“I can guess,” she shrugged. “But last time I told you where I was going, you sent Hunk with me. I love him, truly I do, but I did not appreciate the gesture as much as you think I did.”

“I figured and I didn’t care.” He sighed, looking out the window in thought. “Allura, I care about you so much. You’re my best friend and now that your name is such a staple in the world of acting, I don’t know what I’d do if something bad were to happen to you.”

“Lance,” she started as she took his hands in hers. “I know. But you have to remember: I’m not some helpless little girl anymore. I can fight for myself.”

“You can, and that’s the problem. You still act like you’re unrecognizable to most of the public. Spoiler, you’re in two major films that have broken records with the last two years.” He inhaled deeply. “You aren’t nobody anymore.”

“I was never nobody.”

“You know what I mean.”

Allura smirked. “I do. So, hey, while we’re here, do you want to just hang out? The employees here are fantastic people. Great conversationalists.” She paused. “Save for Keith.”

“Hey!” Protested said bad conversationalist.

Lance nodded yes. The day moved on, with Pidge and Shiro right on time as usual. Shiro’s warm smile greeted her and she flushed red. At their lunch breaks, the five gathered to chat. Revelations were made; mostly Overwatch focused ones that prompted Lance to video call Hunk and explain how he’d found Gun-N’-Son and KnifeToMeetYou. In the same place, no less. Hunk was thrilled at all this, suggesting they create a team.

“We’re so calling it Voltron,” Hunk suggested giddily.

“Ah, Voltron! Yes, I remember watching that as a child. The sub was much better than the dub though,” Coran added on, muttering to Pidge, who smiled and nodded.

“I second that!” Lance agreed. “Both statements, actually.”

“Don’t see why not,” Keith shrugged. “Pidgeon?”

“Oh hell yes! I’ll text Matt; knowing him he’s not doing anything important. His user is He-He-Helium, by the way.”

Shiro looked amused at his friends. After fiddling with his hands for a moment he looked to Allura. “I feel like we should join in. It would be nice to finally have a Mercy on the team.”

“Well, I have been trying to get into Symmetra lately. I really like her abilities,” Allura babbled. “B-but yes, definitely. What’s your info?”

And so, they traded info.

Two Weeks Later

“Cut!”

Allura lowered her arms and stretched. Lance ran to her and handed her a towel.

“Nice! That was impeccable,” he complimented. “Although I’m more than positive that last part was improvised, wasn’t it?”

“Very; when Liza mentioned the portals I blanked.”

Lance laughed.

Filming was done for the day, the last scene an absolute success. It had been two weeks, but things had gone by fast (thankfully). A few things had helped with the process though.

“Princess is back online,” Allura said into her headset.

“You so need a better name,” Lance replied. “The Legs are back as well.”

“And you think she needs a better name,” came Keith’s voice. “I’m online.”

“I’m in.”

“Pidge, no.”

Shiro laughed. “It was cute, it doesn’t hurt.”

“Do not encourage her!”

Allura laughed now. “She’s our Sombra though; it only makes sense.”

“Wait, what did I miss?” Hunk’s voice said from across the trailer and in the headsets.

“Hacker Pidge,” Matt informed.

“Ah, so not much?”

“No, no. Alright, time to moderate and kick ass!” Coran cried.

The match started. Shiro’s Genji stuck close to Allura’s Mercy, defending the healer to the death (three times at the least).

“Allura! Help!” Pidge called out.

“Coming, hold on! Shiro, is it clear?”

Shiro hummed in concentration (Lance screeched in the background before Keith’s Hanzo shot the enemy down). “Yeee-es, now it is.”

The two characters raced across the screen, finding Pidge’s Sombra quickly.

“No dying,” Shiro said once Pidge was healed.

“No promises!”

The match ended with Team Voltron in victory and its members went off to play separate matches. Allura stuck with Shiro (much to Coran and Keith’s amusement) and went for three for rounds. After that, hours and hours of talking.

“How’s production going?” Shiro asked a while in.

“Fairly decent; all I can say so far is Spider will not be the peak of my career.” She paused and frowned. “Which sounds really conceded now that I say that out loud.”

The young man laughed. “Not really; if it’s something to be proud of, it’s something to be proud of.”

“It is, but I hate sounding like a stereotype, you know?”

“The Kardashian type?”

“Eh, yeah.”

“If it helps, you’re nothing like them, ever.”

“Thank God.”

There was a pause before Allura sighed. “How’s life?”

“Slow; I’m pretty sure Keith is dating someone, but I don’t know who. They seem sweet though.”

“Odd, I’m pretty sure Lance has too…”

“You don’t-”

“We’re calling it now.”

“We treat ourselves if we’re right.”

“Hell yes!”

Shiro giggled. “You’re so much fun, you know that?”

“I’ve been told,” Allura laughed, blushing mad.

Shiro logged off, having to get up for classes the next day. Allura played another round as Symmetra then logged off herself. She dragged her hands down her face, sighing long and hard. With every interaction, Allura could feel her heart falling more and more for Shiro. Did she mind? Of course not, Shiro was amazing. Truly a magnificent human. And just, ya know, hot.

Lance and Hunk even noticed it finally (or Keith blabbed to them). They often would give her subtle advice in and out of chat. But the flirting tips were never needed. Conversation just came so… naturally.

So would that mean her little crush was not so much of a crush as it was her actually taking a liking to Shiro, right?

Yes, a voice in her head said, as if it was obvious. The actress sighed again. Looks like her efforts in wooing were going to have to improve then.

Hope you enjoyed!

[tinymixtapes]

Column: Favorite Rap Mixtapes of August 2017

With a cascade of releases spewing from the likes of DatPiff, LiveMixtapes, Bandcamp, and SoundCloud, it can be difficult to keep up with the overbearing yet increasingly vital mixtape game. In this column, we aim to immerse ourselves in this hyper-prolific world and share our favorite releases each month. The focus will primarily be on rap mixtapes — loosely defined here as free (or sometimes free-to-stream) digital releases — but we’ll keep things loose enough to branch out if/when we feel it necessary. (Check out last month’s installment here.) --- YoungBoy Never Broke Again - AI YoungBoy [stream/download] There are a couple reasons that make me surprised that YoungBoy Never Broke Again (formerly NBA Youngboy) is only 17. First, he burst onto the national scene last year with a near fully-formed sense of melody and songcraft, the vanguard of a Baton Rouge youth movement with seemingly limitless potential. The other is that his life has aged him far beyond his years. The Baton Rouge set like guns, and not just for show; a recent New York Times profile reiterated the message underlying every co-sign from YoungBoy’s more-established peers: leave BR or perish. The comeback record after a prison stint is something of a rite of passage, and yet it’s impossible not to wonder how many more lie in YoungBoy’s future. If you’re looking for “real,” this is it: a promising young star racing against pre-fame charges and a time bomb of an environment that, as all that he’s known, is understandably difficult to abandon. –Corrigan B --- Deem Spencer - We Think We Alone [stream] Deem Spencer opened the final Yule Prog. At 22 years old, he might not realize how big of a deal that is. Shit, the world probably doesn’t realize how big of a deal that is. I may be the only person who thinks that’s a very big deal. But history will absolve me too, damn it! I digress. Deem Spencer proved he could rap his ass off with last year’s Sunflower, and his latest, We Think We Alone, is already something totally different. It’s the sound of a guard down, a garden, a gargantuan heart springing hope eternal. It’s really nice. –Samuel Diamond --- Wifisfuneral - Boy Who Cried Wolf [stream/download] Aesthetically, Wifisfuneral’s second record is standard Floridian fare — it wouldn’t even be a stretch to call it a composite of ideas that have emerged from the peninsula’s SoundCloud scene as of late, scampering across bars at Ski Mask the Slump God’s jawless clip, paving his way with Cris Dinero’s plosive kicks and a menacing presence more akin to a horror flick’s titular spiritual entity than a typical trap-villain. Boy Who Cried Wolf’s a conservative follow-up to the January release of When Hell Falls, an introspective dip into wonky boom-bap production, the sort that populated Pusha T’s King Push prelude, only more dreary and droned-out. This time around, Wifi’s brought bangers by the bushel, immolating synth bells with hypnotically-present bass while nimbly stuffing these brief beats full of triplet flows and the distinctive voices of his featured friends: 458 Keez’s bratty resemblance to Lil Wayne, Danny Towers’s impossibly deep snarl, and CHXPO’s slurred near-giggle, (my personal favorite contribution). This is Wifi’s last nuanced tape to date, but it’s also his most replayable. Even when the 20-year-old emcee’s borrowing sauce, he makes it his own: not many Soundcloud rappers can boast his balance between technical proficiency, artistic merit, and (most importantly?) headbang-inducing aggression. –Jude Noel --- Eli Sostre - Sleep is For The Week [stream/download] Putting together a mixtape of Billboard-quality pop rap in the OVOXO vein is risky these days, considering how many Drake soundalikes have seen their clout evaporate shortly after entering the scene. But Eli Sostre’s lightly-melodyned vocals pose way more of a risk to the competition. His songs are self-serious but not overly self-aware, confident but not mired in cliché. Hailing from the Empire State, he channels a double-cupping club vibe more suitable farther south, but takes heavy visual cues from Basquiat, The Culture’s adopted fallen angel and street spirit of a dead-and-buried NYC. Sostre has a radio-worthy voice, strongest on “New Addy” and “Someone Like You,” that’s complemented well by Soriano’s woozy, vaporous productions. Sleep is For The Week is a great collection of songs to snuggle into. –Ross Devlin --- Lil B - Black Ken [stream/download] Black Ken is the most divisive Lil B mixtape yet, which is odd, considering that its most accessible release, swinging between G-funk and horn-/key-driven P-Funk throwback with chilled hyphy sprinkles. While the latter can be heard on the iLoveMakonnen-featuring “Global,” songs like “Free Life” showcase Lil B’s evolution into tight, spaced-out production, with a flow not unlike “The Super Bowl Shuffle” played straight. Club-banger Lil B is present on “Getting Hot” and “Turn up (Till You Can’t),” playing more like singularly twisted versions of “the hits” than bids for mainstream attention. Did I mention that Lil B produced every track on the tape? (As he puts it on “The Real Is Back,” “BasedGod on the beats/ It’s 100% me/ Put my life in this rap.”) Despite its alienating potential, Black Ken, in the end, triumphs as an amalgamation of his past and a sampling of a possible future, and it’s one that would appear to be both expansive and impressive. –Emceegreg --- Gunplay - The Fix Tape [stream] Never one to be sullied or bogged down by rap label politics, Gunplay’s quiet tear across 2017 continues with The Fix Tape. True to form, anthemic trap abounds (“All flake and no shake, shake, shake…”), but the clincher here is an ability to slide through styles — see the G-funk bounce of “Where It At” or the classicist bent of “Hot Plate” and “Patience 2.0” — without compromising on the delivery and storytelling parlance that bought ears to him in the first place. This one’s sharp, polished, and remarkably poised; if Gunplay traded in the incendiary streak that gave us the likes of Bogota Rich: The Prequel, then he got a newfound sense of evenness and quality control in return. –Soe Jherwood --- Skye Verbs - Soul Food Eye Candy [stream] A few weeks back, I visited one of my favorite haunts for a curry burger and vermouth after a rewarding but tedious week of pulling artistic potential out of a bunch of squirmy middle schoolers. I floated in, grabbed a stool, paint under my nails, draped in a floral pullover sweater. Bartender, dripping with neck tattoos, looks me down, recognizes my face, offers: “I love that top, sweetie.” It was a bizarre, yet empowering moment; I don’t often get compliments on my appearance, so when I do, it’s uniquely affirming. Soul Food Eye Candy is rapper/singer Skye Verbs’s attempt at discussing inclusive values through neo-R&B and soul. There are a lot of platitudes here about who deserves who, but what she ultimately advocates is that good people deserve it all. And after a long day, it’s nice that I can throw this on, bob my head, and remember that still frame in which my value was affirmed by a wink. Check this out, know you’re worth it, and tip your wait staff extra when they make you feel it. –Jackson Scott --- Lil Tracy - Life of a Popstar [stream/download] Lil Tracy is the son of Digable Planets’ Butterfly and SWV’s Coko, a fact that almost assuredly means nothing to the majority of his fanbase. That’s OK. Of more immediate relevance is his association with Lil Peep, one of the SoundCloud era’s two or three biggest breakouts. Together with the rest of GothBoiClique, they’re the most straightforward example of the emo/rap analogy that has dominated the discourse surrounding rap’s youngest stars. For listeners who came of age at any time but the present, some degree of initial resistance is understandable; it’s been fascinating to watch the critic class balance a play count-mandated obligation to pay attention with the inability to form a personal connection with the music itself. At present, there’s no vision of rap’s future that excludes these kids; the ever-shortening generation gap aside, refusing to engage with a bona fide movement seeks to set the genre’s current conventions in stone. It’s already far too late for that, and yet rap’s hegemony over pop forms is just getting started. –Corrigan B --- Byou - I’m Gone [stream] The stylistic outlier of Lil Yachty’s “Sailing Team” collective happens to be the crew’s most consistently exciting contributor. Atlanta’s Byou boasts an unhinged vocal delivery, a knack for hook-writing, and a sense of doggerel humor that’s often laugh-out-loud humor. Although, sonically, his previous output hasn’t strayed far from his maritime mates’ bubblegum trap production, his longest effort to date — titled I’m Gone — revels in its own versatility. “Superstar” dabbles in bossa nova, “Money” throws back to the brass-laden hedonism of OJ Da Juiceman’s peak, and standout track “JK Rowling” pairs a twangy shuffle with one of the best choruses I’ve heard all year: “Smokin’ on that Harry Potter/ JK, rollin’ up.” It’s not one of more polished projects I’ve heard lately, but I’m Gone has charm for days. It’ll win you over if you let it. –Jude Noel --- Hotel - Have You Ever Tasted Hell Fire [stream] Hotel caught a lot of attention earlier this year when Mass Appeal posted his track “Hellbound.” Complete with illegible black metal script and a broken-in black metal denim jacket, with hot blood spurting from between his fronts and a black gun (I don’t know shit about guns. This is the best I got.), his latest mixtape Have You Tasted Hell Fire continues to document Hotel’s journey through a grim world. Maybe Hotel realizes what metal kids have known all along: that Satan has all the fun, that the baddest people throw the coolest parties, that embracing darkness and nihilism can be as equal parts kitschy and liberating as Kenny G saxing it up on an airplane. The tape is very short, with scorched, lo-fi samples and high-key energy that begs to be heard live. His voice is labored like a werewolf. “Four Rings” and “Gone” are pitch-perfect Piss Christ exhibitionism. He just finished a tour of the South, so you might be able to catch him before the hellfire swallows him up. –Ross Devlin --- Purple Dialect - Campfire EP [stream/download] Purple Dialect paid for his name in burnt hairs, the moniker coming to him in a shamanic vision he experienced while being electrocuted by his SP-404. At least, that’s what I gather from all this. He has bionic limbs and shoots rainbows from his eyes and raps “I’m in a folding chair, I’m eating graham crackers/ I’m in the woods, I’m a literal backpacker” in his latest video. This could all be dismissed as cheap gimmickry if Purp D weren’t so skilled on both the mic and the pads. “Take this L chief, peace cos I don’t even battle/ I just make dope beats over which I casually babble,” he says on “Tent Light,” as if it were so simple anyone could do it, as if this were a folk tradition. And it is. And a Pennsylvanian with robot arms is carrying it onward. –Samuel Diamond http://j.mp/2vGWK1m

[somethingvinyl]

Hella This band and EP are special to me--I first bought the CD of this at a show they played in November 2005, on my second date with the woman who is now my wife. Listen folks: if she follows you to a really greasy bar to see a band so not-famous that they're the third opening act on the bill, she either really likes you or has great musical taste. In my case, it is both. Here's the thing though: I've been looking at this disc art for twelve years now (the CD one is the same), and I NEVER NOTICED IT HAD HARRY POTTER ON IT UNTIL TODAY. It looks like right-wing Potter-is-satanism propaganda... probably swiped from a serious publication because the band thought it was funny. And it is! You remember those nut jobs?

[quietlysatan]

Oh God Not Again! - Sarah1281, AO3

Link: Here!!

Rating: Rated E for Everyone

Favorite Quote(s): This is gonna be long again isn’t it... Oh well!

"How can two blonde people have a black-haired son?" George asked reasonably.

"No, my mother was not having a very public affair with Severus Snape, how dare you even suggest that!" Harry screeched.

Fred held up his hands. "Calm down, he didn't mean to offend you."

"Well he did," Harry sniffed. "In fact, I'm going to write to father right now."

"Isn't he still at the platform?" George asked, perplexed.

"Yes he is, but actually talking to your relatives is for half-bloods,"

And

"Muggles don't have magic and as such are forced to be much more sensible."

And

Oh, now look, another vein! While Harry fully acknowledged that Snape was one of the metaphorical 'good guys', he also realized that the only possible chance of him getting Snape to like him died when the Sorting Hat proclaimed him a Gryffindor.

Actually, he reflected, he very well could make an effort…Nah. What was the fun if he didn't have anyone to bother? And at least with Snape, everyone took his side.

Actually, the entire questioning Snape does during the first potions class.

And

"You'll find that Blood Purity, like many things in the Wizarding World, makes no sense whatsoever. Wizards, of course, don't seem to notice this and continue to act like it's the gospel truth. It's basically the school of thought that only those who are pureblooded have a right to be wizards and everyone else is inherently inferior. They won't actually give any reason as to why they think that, save occasionally someone mentioning that Muggle-borns live the first eleven years of their life in a completely different culture. Note that that is exactly like saying that someone who was raised in a different country is inherently inferior because they don't understand British ways." 

I could go on, and will in a reblog, but basically, keep in mind I haven’t even reread up to chapter five yet!

Words & Chapter(s): 150,731 words and 50 chapters of glorious completed chaos!!!

Summary: So maybe everything didn't work out perfectly for Harry. Still, most of his friends survived, he'd gotten married, and was about to become a father. If only he'd have stayed away from the Veil, he wouldn't have had to go back and do everything AGAIN.

Score: 13 points of perfection! Chaos! Anarchy! 

Pairing(s): Nothing confirmed

Warning(s): Sadly the Dursley’s do exist. Sadly.

Pros: Harry just, fucks everything up man, AND THIS TIME IT’S ON PURPOSE!! The writing is so great!! And also!! Anarchy!! Chaos!! Time-Travel!! Draco is sort of Harry’s friend!! Everyone is just so confused, and eventually Done with Harry’s bullshit!! I can’t even think of all the great things because there’s over 150K of them!! It’s! So! Damn! Great!!!!

This is basically Harry decided to make a crack fic but everyone else Did Not get the memo, so they just think he’s really Like That. Technically they’re right, but still!!

It’s so fucking funny, and amazingly in character for most of everyone which is always great, plus! Harry just Does Not Give A Single Solitary Flying FUCK. At all. It’s great and you should read it seven times in a row.

Also!!!!!!!!!!!!  "My scar told me that___” Is Harry’s reasoning for all knowledge of the future, and no one ever gets a better explanation, and it’s fucking great!!! 

Sadly, there is no sequel, which is fair, although I do believe the story goes all the way to Fourth Year, and it does actually end, it’s open-ended or anything, I just want more because I’m a greedy greedy person to be quite honest.

ALSO ALSO!!!!! CEDRIC AND EVRYONE FUCKING LIVES!!!!!! WOOOOO

Aesthetic: Anarchy! Chaos! But for humor! And Greatness!! Also, every good emotion I can think of was felt during the reading of this fic, including the most important: the feeling of being right, although I don’t think I made any bets or anything, I still felt it. Very satisfied. Like the cat that got the cream satisfied! Also!! Sirius is innocent!!! AND IT”S PROVEN!!! WHICH IS GREAT!!!!!!!!!! Also, Although Harry CAN be serious he almost never is. Almost.

Gif Aesthetic: Here’s everyone that isn’t Harry

And meanwhile Harry

Here is a physical representation of Harry Just Doing every single thought that comes to his mind BECAUSE WHY NOT

Harry having a bad good idea Versus absolutely everyone telling him not to do something (Harry is obviously the cat)

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How exactly to date a Geek Girl: Ultimate recommendations and Tips

How exactly to date a Geek Girl: Ultimate recommendations and Tips

Hello, other Internet users! Are you currently skilled into the creative art of pickup? Do you might think you may potentially date any sort of woman? In the event that response is yes, then most likely you might be a multi-faceted and versatile individual and there Should be no nagging problem to show up to virtually any lady while making her fall in deep love with you. in the event that you think you could utilize some assistance, this short article be a fantastic starter. Are you currently a geek yourself or perhaps a poser? Geeks are individuals who enjoy trying out some intellectual career, have narrow spectral range of hobbies, stay up late, doing one thing precisely step-by-step and often underground, less understood. In addition they adore doing things that include maximum Concentration and attention, nonetheless it never ever has to do with sports. Essentially, geeks will be the contrary of jocks. They are over effort with regards to sharing the hobby of the life.

Who’re geek girls?

Geek girls will be the many distinguishable kinds. They could be either enjoying something sincerely, or perhaps pretending so that you can appear cooler. A Geek is a girl whom really really loves videogames, role-plays (not merely those in the bed room), publications, films about certain Universe (like Marvel or DC), anime or cartoons. They frequently seem like the figures from manga or anime. Geek ladies may also admire Korean doramas or some underground art-house that is polish documentaries. These are typically happy with their taste that is musical and pretty capable to kill into the title regarding the artist that is favorite. Constantly go out on Spotify, interested in the uncommon hip-hop that is lo-fi.

They generally admire classic material, having a cardigan that is 40’s-style not like a right man would differentiate it anyhow), likes vinyl records, owns some old-ass boring jazz discography and claims she understands much about Sovietwave or Vaporwave. Probably is as much as self-destructing hobbies like smoking cigarettes because it really is deep, or puffing cannabis her potential to the since it‘opens fullest and receives the juices that are creative. Never mix up geeks with hipsters. a girl that is nerdy either mention she actually is geeky in most phrase which comes away from her Hentai mouth (she will deny if she is boastful), or any accusations in being geeky to check more deep and not participate in a particular subculture. They could be either overambitious and bright or, in thecontrary, timid and innocent (dandere). Just what does a geek girl appear to be?

Geek women think garments will be the most way that is crucial self-expression. They may either look too pretentious (but don’t you will need to find ground that is common between Instagram girls and geeks, it is a various type of pretentiousness), or not worry about their appearance at all. She shall probably possess a Death Note as her notebook, have actually a minumum of one K-On! poster, a Naruto hoodie and some indie-rock T-shirt. Possibly she obsesses over medical practitioner Who merch and it has a handful of licensed or necklaces that are off-brand. She can have a messy ponytail or a quick bob of some color that is unusual such as for example violet or yellowish, chipped polish and plenty of eyeliner.

Ironically, she may possibly invest time that is too much look ‘not caring much about her appearance’. a girl that is nerdy has a set of eyeglasses (but watch out for women that eyeglasses without lenses, their heart can be as fake). They generally bad vision just because of reading a lot of publications and watching a lot of intellectual cinematography. a nerdy girl likes to use anime plaid pleated skirts with knee-high socks and blouses that are cute.

Reasons why you should date a nerd:

1. a nerdy woman is smart, she’s going to focus on better problems than makeup products and checking up on the Kardashians. This woman is broad-minded, loves to learn more about everything, and it is a good interlocutor.

2. Geek women are homely. These are generally less likely to want to cheat and party. Led with a poetic ideal, a geek gf are going to be a perfect spouse. Or even a perfect wifu.

3. Dating a girl that is geeky never be boring. She shall additionally be saturated in a few ideas and concerts, prepared to give out all facets of her life. Besides that, you’d be proud to introduce this woman to your pals. Now she won’t yell you to play at you for not doing laundry, but will happily join Call of Duty.

4. She is your buddy, not merely a sex-partner. Many guys differentiate their GFs from friends, nevertheless now you’ll have something to besides talk aboutyour emotions or sex roles.

Do’s and don’ts whenever dating women that are nerdy

You shouldn’t forget about the most when it comes to arranging a date important points of presenting you to ultimately a geek!

DO! Try to analyze her fandom straight away. All geeks are far more or less Involved in some type or form of communities where they share all of the required information. When you have somewhat blurry eyesight of exactly what this musical organization is and just how you may play a role game, it is advisable for you yourself to begin lurking right now.

DON’T! Try to insult her fandom. Geeks simply hate it! Nobody really wants to hear you’ve got a music that is crappy, they need every person to praise you to be so initial and tasteful. Therefore, if you’ve got any objections, make an effort to express them averagely, other than going difficult on her behalf bad anime soul.

DO! Make compliments and fetishize her. Every geek girlfriend secretly Wants to be fetishized and admired to the true point where you can’t completely function without seeing her pantsu every every now and then. So be really tangled up in this type of relationship.

DON’T! Tell a nerd she actually is a poser or even a bore! Every person desires to be intriguing and regarded as a very good and separate person that doesn’t copy anyone. Regardless if the truth is of annoying posing, don’t make her feel accountable about any of it!

Where and just how to satisfy nerdy girls?

1. At the Comic Con aka the Satan’s den of all of the nerds and weirdos. Here you can view an overabundance of weeaboos, K-popers, Harry Potter fans, Witcher fans and all sorts of the folks through the sweet and place that is warm the Online. Right Here it is possible to look for the sexiest and cutest girls too, as most of those often cosplay the hottest characters.

2. At anti-cafes. This European-invented destination will be a great possibility to begin dating a girl that is nerdy. They usually hang up the phone in tiny teams, consuming coffee, playing some musical instruments or video games.

3. On the world-wide-web. Of course, where do nerds occur? Only in team chats, meme panels or just Tumblr if you’re aiming at a nerd that is artsy.

4. Public collection. A bookworm woman likes it old-school.

Geek girl date some a few ideas

1. Go to a comic shop. right here you will find some interesting comic publications and mangas for every other. It really is a place that is perfect invest on a daily basis along with your bookworm woman.

dating a geeky girl2. Visit a themed cafe. There clearly was a great array of cafes, themed by Harry Potter and wizardry, Marvel films or Japanese vibes – all to your taste!

3. Go to your cinema. Though your town that is native might have a privilege to own themed cafes and stores that are comic you’ll find a film theater nearly every-where. And women that are nerdy adore movies and cartoons.

4. Go up to a workshop. It’s destination where you stand taught to accomplish things. Right Right Here you can easily bake cookies that are geek make anime characters out of clay and revel in our memorable experience.

5. visit the video gaming lounge. It’s a zone that is comfortable gaming channels where you are able to sit back and beat one another in Mortal eliminate. Ideal for users with lame movie cards!

How to flirt with a nerd

1. Flirt subtly. Geek females hate stress and individuals www.brightbrides.net who’re over assertive. Don’t be bashful either, so that you won’t create extra unneeded tension between you two.

2. Be inventive. Geek girl dating should be boring n’t. Locate a typical ground and some approaches to impress your personal future spouse.

3. Be versatile. Make an effort to discover some strange approaches to win her heart. Since nerds have become selective, you can find not really a lot of possibility she would provide her heart up to a complete stranger.

4. Be collected and calm. Hot-headed dudes can scare a bashful and concentrated women. Dating a geek girl should bring delight only when the partnership is shared and sensual.

5. Be a small quirky. All characters that are lovely every bit of art are weirdos. Geek girl dating must certanly be chaotic and unexplainable.

How exactly to date a geek: basic guidelines

1. Be a geek your self. If you should be a jock or perhaps a boring businessman, there was small to no possibility you could see some typical passions to talk over.

2. Be interested in what she does. Every geek includes a skill to accomplish something. Nerdy ladies usually compose poetry, sing or paint. Geek girl dating needs to be spiritual before physical.

3. Share common finds. Since you both are taught to be engaged in some type of informational vortex, now you’re certainly effective at sharing interesting debating and stuff over it together.

Geeks are splendid girls by having an outlook that is interesting. While they may be Slightly peculiar and hard to get to, this relationship shall function as the many rewarding out of anything you ever endured. Therefore don’t hesitate to second base and grab that banner. Perhaps, one time there are your ideal princess Zelda!

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NEM KURUTMA HİZMETLERİ

[tomishaped]

522 Things I'm not allowed to do at Hogwarts

Numbers 391-488

391. Asking the Weasley twins, "So do you do everything together?" is ill advised.

392. Telling Lucius what he could do with his staff... is not advisable.

393. I will not ask the school to sponsor a break dancing crew.

394. Voldemort, after being defeated, did not get served.

395. Getting Colin Creevey drunk and steering him toward a sleeping Harry Potter is just a bad idea all around.

396. -Then using his camera to take incriminating photos is not nice.

397. Coming up behind Harry while he and Draco are glowering at each other and saying "Oh, go on and kiss him already!" is not funny.

398. -Even if Luna Lovegood does say, "Yes, I thought so too."

399. I am not a Balrog animagus.

400. The house never did fall on Professor Umbridge's sister, nor is she suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder as a result.

401. I may not try to find out if any of the owls are David Bowie in animagus form.

402. I will not ask people what their daemons are.

403. I will not offer Professor McGonagall lasagne.

404. I will not tell the Ravenclaws that they're basically useless because Hogwart's smartest student is in another house.

405. I will not call Pizza Hut and ask them to deliver to the common room.

406. I will not poison first years. No matter how much I think they need it.

407. It is not appropriate trade first years between houses.

408. I will not tempt Ravenclaws with apples. I will also not say that the Slytherins have tempted other students with apples.

409. Frankenstein is not required reading for DADA classes.

410. -Neither is Dracula.

411. I will not try to explain the laws of physics, not even for the sake of argument.

412. If I even look like I might sing "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves" I will be Obliviated.

413. Using the 'Petrificus Totalus' curse on Draco Malfoy and dumping him in the Gryffindor common room as a Christmas present to the House means you should watch your back until June.

414. -Especially if the Weasley twins were staying over break.

415. -If Lee Jordan was there too, you're going to need a bodyguard.

416. I will not claim to be able to see the Thestrals if I cannot.

417. -I will not tell first years that "any true wizard or witch" can see Thestrals, and that if they can't they "obviously aren't cut out for this school".

418. I am not to tell Muggleborn first-years that Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans taste better when one eats a whole handful simultaneously.

419. I will not take out a life insurance policy on any Hogwarts Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.

420.I will not attempt to repel Dementors by covering myself in chocolate body paint.

421. I will not sneak up behind Draco and Harry while they are in their Staring Snarky Yelling Matches and yell, "SLASH SLASH SLASH! LET'S SEE SOME SLASH!"

422. I will not give Hagrid Pokmon cards and convince him that they are real animals

423. -Likewise, I will not tell First Year Muggle-borns that Pokmon battles are a part of the Care of Magical Creatures curriculum

424. I am not qualified to perform exorcisms on Hogwarts ghosts, and attempting to do so will merely offend them.

425. Draco Malfoy is not the secret identity of "Ferret Boy".

426. Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are not the magical equivalent of "Batman and Robin".

427. Telling Draco Malfoy to "make like a ferret and bounce" is always a bad idea.

428. The Crucible is not summer reading for History of Magic, and I should not tell First Years that it is.

429. "You might be a Pureblood if..." jokes will get me in trouble, especially in front of Slytherins.

430. I will not play the Darth Vader theme for Professor Snape.

431. - However, when Lucius Malfoy visits, I may play it.

432. The bludger is not a bowling ball, and Professor Snape is not a bowling pin. I will not attempt to prove otherwise.

433. If I insist on carrying out my plans of producing "Riddle-de-dee: The Voldemort Musical", I will do so under a nom-de-plume.

434. - I will not attempt to recruit the title character to play himself. Even if he looks good in tap shoes.

435. The Slytherin prefect is named Draco Malfoy, not "Rocky Horror.

436. -Transfiguring Draco Malfoy's uniform into a gold thong is inappropriate.

437. -Especially if he's wearing it.

438. Crabbe and Goyle should not be referred to as "Bulk and Skull". "Dumb and Dumber" is equally inappropriate.

439. -I should not refer to Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle collectively as "Team Rocket" either.

440. Comparing Draco Malfoy to Alex Krycek, Lindsay McDonald, Lex Luthor or any similar character is not an appropriate subject for a Muggle Studies essay.

441. I will not attempt to determine whether Malfoy is a natural blond.

442. Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle's first names are, respectively, Draco, Vincent and Gregory, not Larry, Darryl and Darryl.

443. The Slytherin Quidditch team should not be referred to as "Draco Malfoy and a moderate amount of cross-dressing".

444. -Even if that is an accurate description.

445. The song "Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead" is never, ever appropriate.

446. "Springtime for Voldemort" is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.

447. I am not allowed to spank others.

448. -Even if Malfoy liked it.

449. No matter how vast the uses and entertaining the results, I will not indulge in fun with duct tape.

450. -This goes double for superglue.

451. I am not to dance naked in the great hall.

452. -Or on the grounds.

453. -Generally, dancing naked is wrong.

454. Despite the appearances of the employees and the vaults, Gringotts is not the entrance to the Labyrinth.

455. -While in the company of goblins, I must not demand that I be taken to Jareth.

456. -Nor shall I tell them "You remind me of the babe.

457. Draco Malfoy no longer requires a nanny, nor does he need tucking in and "a bit of a cuddle" at bedtime.

458. - Not even if he insists that he does. And that his father has hired me to provide said service.

459. I am not to call Hogwarts "the most covert anti-Death Eater organization on the planet.

460. The Easter Bunny is not Jesus' Animagus form.

461. I am not allowed to ask Pureblood students things like, "If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?"

462. I am not allowed to discuss my theory that Voldemort is actually the second cousin of Sauron.

463. I will not tell first years that they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow.

464. I will not write forged letters home to the parents of Muggleborn first years detailing the Satanic rituals they are learning.

465. I will not ask Dobby why he doesn't look more like Orlando Bloom.

466. - Nor will I ask him if he works for Santa Claus in the off-season.

467. I will not invite Professor Snape to a midnight showing of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show".

468. -The same goes double for Voldemort.

469. -Likewise, I will no longer be permitted to refer to Lucius Malfoy and Bellatrix Lestrange as Riff Raff and Magenta.

470. -Especially to their faces.

471. I will stop pasting happy face stickers on Lupin's office door.

472. Draco Malfoy does not appreciate being called 'Ferret Boy'

473. -Or 'The Blond Boy Wonder'

474. Hagrid's skin is not green and I should stop calling him 'The Jolly Green Giant.'

475. Sending love notes to Professor Snape and signing them 'With Love, Draco Malfoy' is not appropriate.

476. -Neither is signing them with: 'I had a great time last night, Argus Filch.'.

477. Breaking into song during Potions class is not acceptable.

478. -Especially if the song is 'I feel pretty, oh so pretty'.

479. Or 'I'm too sexy'.

480. I am not a 'ninja sent here by Lord Voldemort to destroy Harry Potter' and should stop shouting this at meal times.

481. Lucius Malfoy's cane is not a 'pimp cane'.

482. I must never sneak up behind Draco Malfoy and coo "How's my Blondie-Bear?"

483. Teaching first years to chorus in unison "The amazing bouncing ferret" whenever they hear the name Draco Malfoy is just wrong, funny, but wrong.

484. It's not tasteful to approach Cho wearing a shirt that says All the good-looking ones die young with a picture of Cedric Diggory on it.

485. I am not to tell Draco that I know all about his affair with Hermione Granger.

486. -Especially if it's not true.

487. -I also cannot sell the story to Rita Skeeter.

488. -Or owl Lucius, Narcissa, or Bellatrix with the imaginary details

[riftp]

Read It For The Pictures 26: Immortal Men by Jim Lee, Ryan Benjamin, and James Tynion IV

NK:Hello and welcome to Read it For the Pictures, the comic book Blog for read it for the Pictures! I’m Neil Kapit and with me as always is the man who’s been stealing my Vegemite, Dave Clarke! How you doin’ Dave?

DC: I’m doing alright, but let’s not pretend you’ve ever eaten vegemite :P Anyway, today we have Immortal Men #1, a comic that dares to ask the question “if a pictures worth a thousand words than what is a picture next to a thousand words worth?”

NK: You'd figure that a comic from an Artist-Driven imprint, especially one done by the company's Co-Publisher and most famous artist, would be able to keep unnecessary text to a minimum. That’s just one thing wrong with this.

DC: He asked, musing over this confusing issue with his cohost. The intentions of the creators alluded him, vexed him with their contradictions. It would take more investigation to get to the bottom of this mystery.

NK: Jim Lee’s style may not be to everyone’s taste, but nobody can deny his influence on the way people draw superheroes. And unlike, say, Rob Liefeld, he’s got the technical foundations behind his flashy excesses. Though he also is infamous for not meeting deadlines due to the detail of his work, which is why some of the pages of this first issue are fill-ins by Ryan Benjamin. Specifically, the scenes with protagonist Caden Park in his day to day life.

DC: Oh yeah, funnily enough they didn’t stick out to me as being done by a different artist. The expressions are a little weird, but my instinct was to chalk that up to a script that changed after they were drawn.

NK: Note how Jim Lee gets to draw all the big action scenes while the boring stuff like characterization and conversation (that's not just monologuing) is outsourced. Ryan Benjamin was an artist at WildStorm in its early days, so as someone from the school of early Image, he seemed a good fit if you had to get a fill in on the first issue of a book that's been delayed by four months from its originally solicited date.

(And I checked out some of Benjamin's original work on his own comics and as an artist on video games, and it's definitely worth seeing. Because I felt bad just writing him off as a poor man's Jim Lee, so I'll put the link to his site here.): https://ryanbenjamin.com/

DC: Calling the characterization scenes boring is unfair, the secret world of rejected wildC.A.T.S designs is also boring.

NK: But yeah, this is basically WildCATS all over again, which itself was X-Men all over again, all of them sticking to a Mad Libs about outlaw superhero team stories. At least time none of the women are in a thong. Well, I guess Stray (the furry one) is referred to as a "good girl" is wearing just a vest, but she doesn't count because her skin is fully covered. We find this out in the only two pages that the Immortal Men themselves get characterization.

DC: I’ve got one take that I was able to squeeze out of this comic, and that is that it’s Harry Potter if Rowling was interested in Bloodstrike rather than European folklore. Down to a main character being pulled into a secret hidden world by a large bearded man by way of a train.

NK: I was able to discern a little bit about Caden and his parents from the art and dialogue alone, but nothing to get them out of the very tight boxes that are their narrative roles. And you’d think that taking place in the DC Universe, the parents would be a little less skeptical about their son’s weird super dreams.

DC: There’s an offhand reference to “there’s no secret heroes out there” by the Batman Who Laughs which raises all sorts of questions.

NK: In addition to the wordiness, we also have three villains with three different fonts and word balloon styles, plotting in the shadows. One of whom is The Batman who Laughs from DC: Metal, an alternate Batman turned into the Joker at his most Satanically tedious.

DC: Rather than being distinct it just blurs together, using the same 90s gradients for the text boxes didn’t help.

NK: And the weird Joker clone’s design looks understated next to the two Jim Lee-designed villains, The Infinite Woman and The Hunt.

DC: Rather than go around in circles on the plot of this (and risk revealing that I’m not actually good at reading comprehension) let discuss what this book means in context of the other new DC books.

NK:  So in the shadow of all the other weirdness in the DC Universe, there's this one family House of Immortals that's been hunted almost to extinction by another family House of Immortals, and the surviving Immortal Men are looking for the boy who I guess is the Chosen One who can turn the tide. At least there aren’t any guest-stars shoe-horned in here like in Damage, thus indicating some confidence in the book’s ability to stand freely. The Batman Who Laughs seems here to give it a connection to the larger DCU, though he doesn't seem to have any reason for helping The Infinite Woman beyond getting to kill for lulz.

DC: I meant more in a meta sense, each of the other new boos felt like a contained pitch, twitch steamer hero, a mother whos’ a hero, the hulk by way of MGS military paranoia, a poor hero… nd now... this incomprehensible nonsense

NK: It's comprehensible, there's just not much to comprehend from this issue alone. We have little to no idea who these characters are beyond their roles from a plot perspective. It's not enough just to name a character "Ghostfist". Perhaps all the dialogue is the writer's attempt to take these page layouts and give them some character, but the only parts where he can do that are on the tiny tiny panels in the two page "obligatory team introduction" sequence.

DC: Immortal men #1 - I’m not a fan, thanks for tuning in folks

NK: You're not getting off that easy, we still have a lot of designs to laugh at. For example, the Campus. "You got your Great Pyramid of Giza in my Hall of Justice! You got your Hall of Justice in my Great Pyramid of Giza! "

DC: I suppose the pyramid is more of an Illuminati connection than an Egypt or Inca connection.

NK: It still looks like two radically different buildings dumped on each other rather than a single structure with a unified design. The Hunt, the baddie with a goldfish scale shirt, pitch black metal boots, and fur collar, at least has the excuse that they might all be trophies from previous conquests he did for Conquest. Oh yeah, and the bad guys’ House is literally named Conquest.

DC: Oh, you mean kraven the hunter?

NK: How can one comic have so many words and still read so fast?

DC: Perhaps this is just for a different audience, maybe much younger versions of Dave and Neil would have picked through this novella with a few pictures for clues on what’s coming up.

NK: Rule #1 for doing a superhero team book called the Immortal Men; on your first issue, actually have it focus on the Immortal Men. My money may well be better spent on other things, but I'll be reading the next issue because I'm already a demon and heaven's not my kind of place anyway. Put another one in the jar, it's like the Philosopher's Legacy at this point. Make that two.

DC: I’m wresting control back next week and we’re not doing a DC book :D

NK: Hopefully it'll actually have a brighter color palette, all the sections drawn by Jim Lee needed a lamp. Also, I don't know what the Immortal Man Reload's ( the Moon Knight looking guy) deal is, but I assume that he can reload his guns after firing a single bullet without wasting the entire clip, like a video game character

DC: Honestly I’m forgetting chunks of this comic with each passing minute.

NK: “ I can feel my mind going, Neil. “ “ I’m afraid I can’t allow you to do that, Dave. “

DC: <insert picture of HAL in an accubra hat here>

NK: You and your crazy culture. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got Tide Pods to eat.

Tabl

[carolinaare]

If you thought I’d suffer from heat deprivation in London’s chilly Autumn after a year spent in the sun-drenched Coogee Beach, you are mistaken. I am making the most of what the UK Capital has to offer and damn, there’s no shortage of events on this side of the pond. Here’s a round-up of events you need to look out for this Autumn.

October 

Harry Potter, A History of Magic Exhibition at The British Library – from October 20

As a Potterhead and a fan of any British Library exhibition to this date, A History of Magic Seems unmissable: rare books, manuscripts and magical objects from the British Library’s collection, showcasing the folklore and magic at the heart of the Harry Potter saga.

The exhibit celebrates the 20th anniversary of the publication of Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone – feel old yet?

Blade Hairclub Halloween Hairclubbing Night – Saturday 28 October 

Considering how appalling my blow-dry skills are, booking in with a friend to get the Halloween look at Blade Hairclub in Soho sounds like the right way to kick off my Halloween weekend.

To get the party started, Blade will be playing tunes from classics such as Beetlejuice, Nightmare before Christmas and Screaming Jay Hawkins. iPads are also positioned at each station enabling scary film fanatics to immerse themselves in some of the best horror films that Netflix can provide, including It Follows, Babadook, Hush and Paranormal Activity.

But no Hairclubbing sesh is complete without cocktails, which will be Halloween-themed for the occasion:

Poisoned Apple – VSOP Calvados, Elderflower Liqueur, fresh pressed apple, apple juice, lemon juice, Abbott’s Bitters;

Devil’s Blade – Rittenhouse Rye, Campari, Ancho Reyes Red Chile Liqueur, Orange bitters;

The Pumpkin King – Organic Vodka, Maple Syrup, Pumpkin Puree, Vanilla, Black Walnut bitters.

All Hallow’s Eve by Lamplight at the Tower Hamlets Cemetery – Saturday 28 October 

This year, I’ve decided I’m going to have at least one DYI Halloween night and instead of going to fancy events in very little clothing, I will actually do something spooky. Enter Cemetery Club’s lamp-lit tour of the Tower Hamlets Cemetery Park, set to celebrate the lives of the quarter of a million people buried there, from heroes to villains, locals and mavericks. The tour will be an occasion to explore the Victorian customs associated with Hallowmas, and taste authentic Soul Cakes, made from a recipe from the time of old Queen Vic herself.

Tours on Saturday 28 and Tuesday 31st, either at 6:30 or 8 PM;

Tickets £12/£10.

U SUCK Halloween Special at The Old Blue Last – Saturday 28 October

My DYI night will be followed by by a dance and a sing-along to the best break-up bangerZZZ and pop kiss-offs at The Old Blue Last. It’s on the same night as the Cemetery Tour so I might end up wearing at least something Halloweeny. Whether you’ve been dumped by a satanic being (haven’t we all), ghosted by a moron or just wanna have some fun, this looks like the place.

Saturday October 28th, 10pm-4am;

Fancy dress strongly encouraged;

FREE all night long.

Halloween Movie Ball at The Grand, Clapham  – Saturday 28 October 

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Picture by The Grand

Picture by The Grand

For all of you South Londoners out there, The Grand in Clapham will throw a part paying homage to the finest and freakiest Horror Movies of all time to the sound of party favourites. The event includes photo booths, make-overs, balloon drops, prizes for the best dressed and more confetti than you can think of. Fancy dress: compulsory.

Eat Blood-Injected Charcoal Balls at Old Street Station

There’s no Halloween without creepy food options but this year I wanted to go a bit more left-field than your average pumpkin stuff… so why not try charcoal activated cheese balls filled with “spicy blood”?

Picture by Dona Rita

On Tuesday 31st October, Brazilian Chef Rita will make a a special batch of Brazilian cheese balls Halloween set to taste like a “melted-cheese inferno”. Brazilian Cheese Balls are the go-to snack in Latin America. They’re gluten-free, made with Cassava and cheese and are crunchy outside and cloud-like inside.

This time however, Chef Rita will be blending this dark and detoxifying twist with the original recipe, the cheese balls will be served with a Syringe, filled with your choice of sweet or spicy blood (don’t worry, it’s only jam and Sriracha sauce). You can inject the balls with blood, spill it all over for a gory look or pour it in your mouth as Halloween make up. The choice is yours.

The pop-up is near the stall in front of the ticket hall at Old Street Underground Station;

A portion of 6 blood-injected charcoal balls costs £5;

Opening times: 7.30am to 7pm, open until late on Halloween;

You can try a less devilish version until the 26th of November, the day the pop-up closes.

Junkyard Golf Club Day of the Dead with El Jimador – Tuesday 31 October

Right, so the 31st is a Tuesday which sucks a bit, but at least Junkyard Golf Club in Brick Lane is teaming up with el Jimador to transform its crazy golf labyrinth into a Day of the Dead scare fiesta complete with actors, magicians and circus performers, cocktails and, well… golf. A round is just £9.50 including booking fee which is great if, like me, you are going just for shits and giggles and plan to be kicked out due to how appalling your golfing skills are.

Picture By Junkyard Golf

Performers on the line up include jugglers, unicyclists, LED hoopers and The Magic Ball Man, who caused a storm last year with a hypnotic video that racked up over 22 million views on Facebook.

Junkyard Golf London at The Old Truman Brewery, from 7 to 10 PM;

Tickets available here.

November

Skylight Launches Its Rooftop Skating and Fondue Nights in Tobacco Dock – Thursday 2 November

Ever since it launched in the summer, news about Skylight has been giving me a huge FOMO. I thought I’d have to wait until Summer to check it out, but luckily, Tobacco Dock’s rooftop is relaunching as a top Winter destination on Thursday 2 November, complete with seasonal drinks, fondue,  street food AND London’s first rooftop ice rink.

Picture By Skylight

A £10 skating ticket gets you 45 on the ice rink, while you can play ice hockey for £3. The cheese fondue will start at £14.95 per person with tables available to book in advance and ladies and gentlemen, Skylight will also offer delicious chocolate fondue at £9.95 per person.

Who am I kidding, this is where I break my leg. I know this. Cocktails and ice skating will never be a good match for someone as clumsy as I am, but with its unobstructed views of some of London’s most iconic buildings, Skylight is one of those venues you just can’t miss out on.

Thursday & Friday 5pm – 11pm;

Saturday & Sunday – 12pm – 11pm.

Christmess in Southwark, Launching on 15 November

We all know talking about Christmas is forbidden before December first, so you will excuse me for writing about Christmess instead, run by Slap Ya Papa and Marbles & Ware.

Picture by: Christmess

Launching on 15th November for a six-week run, Christmess is set in Victorian London – and at The Hunter Penrose to be precise, a barely touched warehouse in the heart of Borough Market.

The immersive event includes live entertainment brought to you by Santa’s little helpers, green fairies, St Nicholas and all the Christmas peepz with a twist. Food is left in the capable hands of Slap Ya Papa, who will cook up a 12-dish soulful lunch or dinner made of platters of Cajun roasted turkey and candied yams.

Open throughout the day, the downstairs area will be a workshop filled with creations by independent makers. Craftspeople from across the capital will be making and selling an abundant trove of stocking fillers and makers will also be offering present making classes such as a Floral Wreath weaving and Beeswax candle making.

Tickets: £55 per person;

Feasts: Wednesday – Sunday, 6.30pm – 11.30pm.

Museum of Witchcraft Opening – 2 November

Cornwall’s most magical Museum comes to London with an exhibition made of scary photographs of haunted objects from The Museum of Witchcraft and Magic by Sara Hannant and Simon Costin. I’m looking forward to seeing all the magical objects on display, including a Witch Mirror, a waxen curse poppet, spells and charms and items from a Black Magicians altar.

The Museum of Witchcraft and Magic has the largest and most remarkable collection of witchcraft-related objects and books in the world, focusing on this misunderstood aspect of British folk culture.

The Viktor Wynd Museum of Curiosities, Fine Art & Natural History

November 3rd 2017 – 28th Febuary 2018.

Jazz Before Jazz Was Jazz, Two Temple Place – Sunday 12 November

Arts education charity The Arts Society and my favourite London band, Kansas Smitty’s, are teaming up to tell the story of the way jazz became Jazz, starting from the slave songs of American plantations, African polyrhythms, and the European classical tradition.

Made of talks, interactive workshops, Smitty’s signature juleps, Deep South inspired street food and performances by the Kansas Smitty’s House Band, this event comes as a prequel to The Age of Jazz, an exhibition produced by The Arts Society and the Bulldog Trust, which opens at Two Temple Place in January 2018. The exhibition will kick off a year of celebrations for The Arts Society which marks its 50th anniversary next year.

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Autumn Events To Watch Out For If you thought I'd suffer from heat deprivation in London's chilly Autumn after a year spent in the sun-drenched Coogee Beach, you are mistaken.

[quietlysatan]

Happy Holidays Volume 2. Chapter 4.

Link: Here!!

Rating: T

Pairing(s): N/A

Con(s): Mentions of the war, and being brought up a black, specifically the pretty one and all the, smiles, that entails.

Gif Aesthetic: Perhaps, something like this