#Seeing Radcliffe do anything else and going “look at Harry Potter go”

[ethereal-feline]

How are Sonic Prime episodes simultaneously so fast yet slow

Not complaining but I'm constantly going "oh it has to be close to the end" but its still in the middle

[alopiidae]

i wrote a recount of what happened this summer

this is the public version, if u know me or we’re mutuals u can dm me if you want more details. hell anyone can ask about more as long as its not work related

after a long job search, I managed to land a temporary position at a park featuring a natural wonder and I'd totes dox myself if I said anything about it. I'm cool with sharing details in DMs with people I know are legit watchers and whatnot buuuut there's people that I don't want to be able to find my trail and just saying as much as I will would be identifying enough haha.

The job itself was great, the site was gorgeous. The problem was that it was in a small town and I had to move there. And there was only one place to move to. I actually looked at another place too but it was 50 minutes away... and well. for 750$ a month, i could rent a tiny room (or the "harry potter room", a windowless room featuring ancient posters of daniel radcliffe and a literal broom on the wall) in a run-down family estate, that was once a secret resort. there were holes in the deck, taxidermy all over every wall, and invitations to family dinner. the host explained the resort history as we looked out to the helicopter pad island in the lake. guests like oj simpson and the prime minister had stayed there back in the day.

anyway the other place was 600$ for a room in a bungalow 2 minutes away from work. Sounds normal, right? Oh, what could have been...

My boss actually asked one of my references if I could live in a house or something. I thought he was weird to do that, but well, maybe he was just tuned into the flow of time or whatever. My landlord rented out the rooms of the house separately, so I did not know my roommates prior to moving in together. A fun fact for later is that my landlord did not run a background check on any of us.

We had, besides myself:

- Landlord's employee, a deeply traumatized woman who did not care what I knew about her. Let's call her R.

- Her irresponsible on-off fiancé. The two of them lived downstairs so we didn't need to see each other much. He shall be C.

- Roommates were a couple. One was G, a man the age of my father who was visibly recovering from a meth addiction...

- And N, his fiancée not too much older than me. A fun fact about her was that she would be making noises constantly. It was baffling.

My roommates would buy something new every day despite having no money. They let food go bad all the time. They watched TV so loud it was like there was a shootout in the dining room, and they reacted to it like it was real. The downstairs neighbors were loud and didn't care what we saw. But I didn't care! I actually liked my job and everything was fine for a whole  almost three weeks!

By the end of those three weeks, I knew something was coming. I didn't know what it'd be, from home or work, but I just had this feeling like there was another shoe about to drop that didn't go away, even when it came out one of my coworkers was charged with something reaaaaally bad. That wasn't personal enough.

Literally the next day after I expressed this sentiment to some people at work, my roommates left in a huff and I got a text from my landlord threatening to kick me out if I spent more than 15 minutes in the bathroom at a time. Which is insane even if you don't factor in how I'm chronically ill, the fact that I get out or don't go in if I know someone else may have to, and the fact that she'd been up for two hours already that morning. And I promise I didn't wreck the thing LOL. Sharing a bathroom was THE thing I was most worried about when faced with a roommate situation, it's always been something that stresses me out and EVERY TIME I've had to move out it involved adding to the stress (public bathrooms at my last job, composting toilets practically in the middle of a public kitchen at the one before), and the fact that they went to the landlord before saying anything to me had me very worked up and panicky at work.

Then I got called into my boss's office.

I had no idea what it was about and was still trying to not be too paranoid or whatever so I didn't think it'd be anything bad until I looked... They'd gotten an email about me saying that I was using slurs and vulgar language to the guests and not talking about the site, that I smell, and expressing distaste over my ambiguous gender. It called for my immediate termination.

The email address... was my roommate N's full name at gmail dot com. I hadn't heard her surname at that point but that was first and middle and too much of a coincidence that it was the same day. My boss physically tracked down my landlord since he wasn't picking up, and confirmed it was her email. So, thank god she was stupid enough to use that address LOL, I swear to god if I got fired for that...

Naturally I was freaked out. I went back to grab some of my stuff (no one went with me but I wanted to go during work hours so someone would at least notice if I disappeared lol) and she was in the shower so we yelled at each other until G stepped in. She was holding my toothbrush hostage n shit lol. I took what I could and went back to work since I had no where else to go. Eventually, my dad took the long drive down and we stayed at a shitty motel since it was the only thing open while trying to work things out with my landlord. We also looked up N by her full name and found out she'd been charged with assault with a weapon on a teenager a few years ago (and responded to the article about it with LMAO), so that put things into perspective a little more.

Me, dad, and landlord went and met with G who allegedly had no idea what was going on. Never saw a man that broken. He admitted she was physically hurting him too, he had some deep scars on his scalp. She was apparently having a mental health episode which tracks but that's a bit too far for me. They were given a while to move out but in the meantime, it wasn't safe for me to be there, so I put most of my stuff in my car, and my dad took the rest to my uncle's. Apparently while I was gone, N was extra annoying to R and C. R apparently heard N say I did 10 loads of laundry at once?? And that R smokes and plays loud music, which is true, but N also smokes and played loud TV so that was stupid.

So I went to work and somehow carried on in my public-facing job like normal even though I didn't even know where I'd sleep that night, which I think was strong of me. It was planned that I'd go to my uncle's and just do a long commute, but he admitted he wasn't in a good headspace for guests, so he and my parents collectively ended up putting me back in that motel for 10 days.

Let's do the five senses for this experience, okay?

- Touch: the feeling of rough carpet on your legs when you exhaustedly wipe out after removing your work clothes and don't wanna get the bed dirty.

- Sight: stained walls, microwave stacked on top of a mini fridge, dated everything.

- Taste: dried out microwaved oatmeal and watery half-cooked instant ramen.

- Smell: my socks drying waaaay too slow, surprised I found no mold, really.

- Sound: all the most annoying whiny Simple Plan songs in the folder of random music I stole off my dad's computer, to accentuate the misery, and how the wifi didn't fucking work.

I checked the bed, and joked that they had every kind of bug except bed bugs (I think we all know where this is going but we'll save it for later). There was a shop where you could get like, the random junk that's in the average grandma's closet on the floor. The guy who ran the place was unsettling. The restaurant was bad enough I didn't go a second time. There was no parking lot, you just drove into the lawn. At least they had a pool. Not a good one, but better than nothing when you're on your feet in the blazing sun 8 hours a day.

When N and G did leave, I thankfully had the foresight to not cancel my last night booked at the place. They left the place a MESS (more on that later). This resulted in the incredibly rare instance where it was wise to pour the milk in before the cereal; I poured milk into a container and left it in the motel fridge so I could put the milk in the apartment fridge instead of taking it to work the next day when I checked out before my shift.

Anyway. The place had been a mess when I FIRST moved in before N and G did. I had to scrub everything. There was dog hair in the fridge and this like, layer of rot and yellowedness on practically everything. So I was pissed I had to do it again, since they left lots of wonderful things like;

- Used kitty litter

- Cigarette ashes on my mattress

- Rotting liquid spinach in My side of the fridge, after I'd been declining their polite offers for me to eat it previously

- Lots of random shit and garbage. I did get some unopened food and houseplants out of it, though that doesn't make up for... the everything else. I also discovered they'd stolen some of my snacks, and a drawer full of stuff I missed. It ended up costing about 1500$ in damages between the items, motel, and clean-up effort.

They'd also been insisting they were cleaning when I asked what chores I should do around the house when things were normal. Interesting how much whiter everything got after I cleaned it again.

I hung out with R and C and it was a little crazy. More of N's crimes and issues, things that implicated R in crimes (she's done time haha), trying to steal a guy for me from his gf (we ain't doin that), R realizing her bisexuality, lots of real deep talk, aaaand the fact there was mice in the house. More on that bit later.

I went home for a visit and got some stuff to keep the mice off my food. I crashed hard emotionally because going home does that to me, makes me feel like I'm not getting anywhere. By this point I was exhausted from work. I hiked about 40km a week, was on my feet and in the sun all day. It was good but hard. And keeping up with the housework was very hard as well. I had the whole thing to myself, and my landlord, to try and make things up to me, didn't let anyone else move in while I was still there and didn't charge me for one of the months. I was too wiped to do anything besides keep everything clean, and myself fed.

I spent an entire day off cleaning so I'd be free the next day. My last task was putting my bedding back on. When I was done, I sat down, and I saw a funny green bug I didn't recognize. My pal avery got real fixated on figuring out what it was, and eventually went to reddit for an ID.

They said it was a masked hunter nymph, an immature assassin bug. Then he said to me, he didn't wanna tell me what else they'd said... that they primarily feed on bed bugs.

So the next day I took everything off my bed, checked the whoooole thing for eggs, blood, bugs...

And there was One Dead Bug, between the mattress and boxspring. One.

The landlord nearly cried on the phone. My mother manifested in my home and poured HEAPING AMOUNTS OF DIATOMS (literally just supposed to lightly dust it) on the floor, and basically we spent the WHOLE DAY STEAM CLEANING AND VACUUMING only for the landlord to get back like 'yeah a company will come and do a treatment tomorrow' so I had to REMOVE all the diatomaceous earth ALONE with no vacuum, which is hell, and prepare everything to essentially be sprayed with pesticides.

Man I was tired BEFORE I had to vacuum five days in a row and do all my laundry every treatment. All my stuff was in trash bags. I was pretty miserable and bitter, but I did manage to get out swimming one day which was nice. One night I managed to accidentally stab myself and set off the fire alarm within minutes of each other.

Now, back to the mouse. I'd never really had to deal with mice, we had one once when I was like 10. I see em outside all the time, no problem, but it's very different to have it inside and know you have to GET IT. They are very cute. I screamed. I threw a frying pan. Somehow R and C didn't wake up. I eventually caught it in a bowl, dumped it in a trash bag, and started walking, unable to bring myself to kill it. Eventually I heard an owl call, and decided that fate would have its way, and let the mouse go. When I returned... there was a second mouse. I didn't catch it, but I didn't see another the whole time. My boss liked to make jokes about the frying pan thing in front of the guests. By now, most of my coworkers my age left for school so I didn't have many people to talk to at work aside from the guests. Man do I have weird encounter stories about them, ahaha. My coworkers had drama too, that I was not involved in.

C was very unhelpful during the bug treatments. The first one, I was trying to give them time to get laundry done too, but neither came back til after dark. When I tried to explain to him his clothes were covered in pesticides, he said "you seem agitated" and offered me a hit of his joint. These people are in their 40s btw. They fought often. Every time C fucked something up, R would escalate it to being about how he'd left her before/the other woman. Eventually, he snapped and started getting physical about it. Kept me up all night once and I was so tired at work, I leaned on a rock and fell enamored with how it was supporting me for a solid while. After he was similarly irresponsible following another bug treatment, they fought, she locked him out, and he literally kicked the door in. They broke up, but then it was time for a HURRICANE!

I did good at prepping for the hurricane and managed to not lose any food over the 2 and a half days between my ice collection and C's generator, which he fueled by smoking btw. I got a couple days off from work, during which I... sat in the dark. Listened to R and C reconcile, carnally. And shower by pouring cold kettles of water in my hair. Goooood tiiiiiimes. When I got back to work I got to see a powerline explode! C did leave afterwards. I wish them both therapy.

For the sake of not writing too much, I'll leave it there, but I did go home after the park closed for the season, a few weeks short of me being EI eligible despite having to move to an area with fewer jobs to get one and having a disability with an astronomically high unemployment rate. I still think about it all a lot. I'm like, haunted man. Now I have to get another job?! I'm interviewing for something close to my childhood dream job on Tuesday, and I'm very intimidated. I really just feel like going back to my art right now tbh lol...

[irondadgroupie]

This is an extremely polarizing opinion but I’m alright with changing actors for characters. I would love to have more Ironman, even if not played by RDJ. Harry Potter doesn’t have to be Daniel Radcliffe. Harry and Tony are great characters and if they find good actors, why not give those characters more movies? Sure we love the actors but we are fascinated but the characters and their struggles. That’s why we consume and produce fan-content.

I know what you’re going to say “RDJ IS Ironman, nobody can do better job than he can!” 

But wait for a bit... what if there is someone better? 

Hear me out. I remember in the early 21st century how everyone kept saying that Jack Nicholson was the perfect Joker, no questions asked. There was never going to be anyone better. And casting Heath Ledger in the Dark Knight was a bold move that was going to backfire. 

Now, tell me, whom does everyone think of when they hear the name Joker? 

Exactly. 

And honestly, I think oftentimes it’s nostalgia talking. Quite frankly, I would love there to be a new Harry Potter series with new actors. I would still see Avengers movies if they cast someone new as Ironman, just make him look like an Ironman. I’m invested in the characters, not only the actors. What you see first is going to be better for you, dearer to you.

Case in point, Fullmetal Alchemist. Yes, haven’t talked about that fandom for a while. Now, it started as a manga and in 2003 came the anime. I saw the 2003 anime first, I freaking loved it but will admit it had it’s downfalls. Still the fandom was alright, not divided, we had two different interpretations (and the music is still excellent). Then came brotherhood and oh boy, shit got nasty. Fandom wars... anything else has been mild compared to what became of it. Now, if we look at it realistically, Brotherhood is better and has a better story but I still love the 2003 anime more because I saw it first. I have a deeper emotional connection to it. The one coming later can be just as good, if not better than the one before it. New interpretations are not always worse. 

Summa summarum, have an open mind. 

[twistedtummies2]

Ele-May-ntary - Number 6

Welcome to Ele-May-ntary! All throughout the month of May, I’ve been counting down my Top 31 Favorite Portrayals of Sherlock Holmes, from movies, television, radio, and even video games! Last time, we spoke of the Russian actor, Vasily Livanov, who’s portrayal of Holmes crossed international boundaries to become a success. Today, we’ll be discussing a Holmes a little closer to home and current sensibilities. Number 6 is…Robert Downey, Jr.

“I…Am…Iron Holmes! DADA-DADA-DADA-DA-DADA-DA!” Sorry. Couldn’t resist. XD ANYWAY…to many people Robert Downey, Jr. will forever be known as perhaps the most definitive portrayal of the Marvel superhero Iron Man, but – even as he was tackling such enemies as the God of Mischief and…um…Jeff Bridges and Mickey Rourke, I guess - Downey Jr. was also cracking cases in a steampunk-inspired rough-and-tumble Victorian London. Directed by Guy Ritchie, Downey Jr.’s Holmes films seem to be slightly polarizing. MOST people seem to like them, but I know a few people that don’t: some dislike them for their more action-adventure orientation, some dislike them because of the choice of popular actors for the roles, some dislike them because of the way it fiddles with the “classic” Holmes style, and some dislike them because of the humor they feature. Oh, yes. Because…(points to ALL THE HOLMES TAKES I’VE TALKED ABOUT BEFORE)…absolutely NONE of that has ever been attempted in the past. :P Personally, not only do I like the Guy Ritchie films, I LOVE them. I’d actually say that the twin pictures make for either my second or third favorite take on the Holmes universe, as a whole, ever made. Having said that, you’re probably wondering now why he’s only at sixth place, if that is so. Well, I’ll get to that in a minute: first, let’s focus on the positives. As I said before, both of these movies are more geared towards action-adventure than clue-sniffing crime-busting: in both cases, we know who the villains are, and it’s not long till we know what they want and why. The real mystery is figuring out how they plan to achieve their aims. Still, both films give Holmes plenty of time to use his whole arsenal of tricks: he fights plenty, sure, but he also uses his deductive reasoning to pick out details others would miss, and wears a variety of honestly often pretty good disguises. Holmes’ disguises in many versions are pretty transparent, but MOST of Sherlock Stark’s outfits are actually pretty convincing. (Most of them, lest we forget his drag outfit in “Game of Shadows.”) This is almost ironic, because Downey Jr. is one of the funniest takes on Holmes out there: half-insane, obsessive, quirky, and going to extreme lengths just to stave off boredom. He’s so reclusive he’ll lock himself away in total darkness for days at a time, and he’s always looking for something to occupy his mind. With his Bohemian sense of apparel and insufferably arrogant demeanor, he infuriates almost everybody around him – Watson, Mrs. Hudson, Inspector Lestrade, the list goes on – but you know that, at the end of the day, he’ll get the job done, and his heart is still in the right place. Downey Jr. is helped immensely by his supporting cast: Jude Law is my favorite Watson, Jared Harris my favorite Moriarty, Paul Anderson my favorite Sebastian Moran, and various other characters are all among my favorite takes as well. Even some of the original characters featured, such as the main antagonist of the first movie, Lord Blackwood (played by Mark Strong in my favorite of his performances), are really fun and interesting figures. I love the style of these movies, I love Hans Zimmer’s musical score, I love their sense of humor and tension…so how come, again, this Holmes doesn’t at least make my Top 5? Well, to put it simply…as much as I adore Downey Jr. as Holmes, I’m always kind of aware of the actor behind the character. True, I suppose there are other characters who have a similar issue – I certainly can’t miss Matt Frewer, Tom Baker, John Barrymore, and several others I’ve mentioned in the past when I see them in the role – but with Downey Jr., the issue is a bit different. It’s a bit like whenever I see, for example, David Tennant or Daniel Radcliffe in something: to me, David Tennant simply IS the 10th Doctor from “Doctor Who.” And Radcliffe simply IS Harry Potter. Anytime I see them in (almost) ANYTHING else, all I can see is the 10th Doctor or Harry Potter, and it’s incredibly distracting. It’s one thing to be distracted by the actor, but it’s a whole other issue to be distracted by an actor’s CHARACTER, if that makes sense. That’s the kind of relationship I have with Downey Jr. a lot of the time: I just so identify him as Iron Man now that it’s hard for me to get that out of my head, no matter HOW good his performance is. And it IS a great performance – heck, alongside Iron Man, Holmes is the next character I think of with the man, and he’s equally grand in both roles. But something about the performance he gives, mixed with that familiar face, just leads to me seeing Iron Man as Holmes, rather than seeing Sherlock Holmes or even RDJ as Sherlock Holmes. It’s just a weird quirk of my own mind, and it sadly does keep Downey Jr. out of the top five…but only just. On that note, tomorrow we move into the Top 5! Who will be next? Check in and find out!

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

In my QI watching, I recently got to sHe14, with Lee Mack, Graham Norton, and Daniel Radcliffe (plus Fry and Davies, of course). This is the one episode of QI that I actually saw before 2020. Back in 2012, I was dating a woman who’d lived in Ireland for a while when she was in high school (we met in university, both in our early twenties). I told her I liked British comedy and she started excitedly talking about the shows she’d watched in Ireland and I had to explain that by “British comedy” I meant the stuff from the ‘70s and ‘80s (plus a little from the ‘60s - ie. Beyond the Fringe - and a little from the ‘90s - ie. Mr. Bean) that my dad raised me on when I was young, and a very limited range of things from the 21st century (The Thick of It, Peep Show, The Inbetweeners, The Office - not much else). I did not know of all these shows that were on TV when she was in high school in Ireland. I did know about the concept of panel shows because I listened to The News Quiz and The Now Show podcasts every weekend, but I hadn’t seen that format on TV.

When I told her I liked Blackadder, she said there was a good panel show called QI that starred Stephen Fry from Blackadder. She was so excited about it and convinced me to try one episode with her. Since we were both Harry Potter fans, she put on the episode from a couple of years earlier (it was the 2010 Christmas special, it was 2012 when we were watching) with Daniel Radcliffe.

I remember thinking it was... all right. It was entertaining. It made me laugh at times. But I did not feel anything like the excitement that my girlfriend felt about it (and that she told me I would feel about it). I looked at the fact that over 100 episodes of the show had already aired, considered the fact that I have difficulty with getting into a show and watching anything less than every single episode of it, and told her this show was not for me.

For years after that, I thought of myself as a person who liked old school British comedy but was not really into panel shows. All based on the one episode I had seen of QI. Then in 2016, QI committed an unforgivable sin in my eyes: they took Sandi Toksvig from me. Sandi Tokvig, who was a reason why I looked forward to Fridays so I could hear her on The News Quiz, left that show and I was quite upset about that. A year or so later I learned she had taken over as host of QI. “What the hell?” I said to a friend of mine who did not know or care who any of these people were or what any of these shows were. “Sandi Toksvig left The News Quiz for that? That’s that show that [my then-girlfriend] had me watch a few years ago that wasn’t even that good!”

Of course, I now realize that QI is in fact a much more popular show than The News Quiz and that was a big step up in Sandi Toksvig's career. And I also realize QI is much better than I originally thought. What finally got me into panel shows in 2020, after years of just vaguely thinking of them as “not my thing” (and of specifically resenting QI for taking away my wonderful 5-foot lesbian queen), was watching Taskmaster. I needed a few episodes in a row with the same group of people to actually get to know them. Once I’d done that, once I was familiar with and invested in a few people, I could watch other shows for the purpose of seeing those people on other platforms. And that allowed me to get to know more people, and before I knew it I’d spent all of 2020 on these things.

I guess this is a personal thing for me; I’m always more into character-driven shows/books/movies than plot-driven ones (and I’m generally more into TV shows/books than movies because I like having time to really get to know characters and it’s hard to do that in just a couple of hours). I’m going to enjoy something more if it features people I know.

The other night, I watched the QI 2010 Christmas special for the second time in my life. I liked it much better. Part of it was that I just got a lot more of the references. There were a bunch of British cultural references that I would not have gotten back in 2012, plus just a bunch of references to jokes within the British comedy community at the time that I definitely would not have gotten back then.

Anyway, I don’t know what the point of the story is except to say that maybe if you don’t like something at first it’s just because you haven’t immersed yourself in it enough and if you dedicate an entire year to doing nothing except consuming content from this one area then you’ll come to like it better. Also apparently I saw Lee Mack in 2012, didn’t remember him (the only people I remembered from the episode were Stephen Fry and Daniel Radcliffe, since they were the people I already knew back then), and had no idea he would go on to become one of my favourite comedians ever.

I don’t know. I’m having a good time watching QI. I’ve just finished season H, and I’m now well into the era of the show in which Sandi Toksvig frequently shows up as a guest, and that makes me happy. Lovely woman, Sandi Toksvig.

[365days365movies]

April 8, 2021: Swiss Army Man (and Black Comedy) (Review)

Let’s look at the week’s other black comedies, shall we?

I’m a bit behind on the reviews (and the Recaps, but that’s a little easier to fix at the moment), but I decided to give something a shot. While I’ve still got full Reviews for each of those films, it occurred to me that the ones left to review are the black comedies. The Great Dictator is technically a part of the category as well, but I’m letting it skate by under satire. Plus, I already reviewed it. And, since Swiss Army Man is the last black comedy I’m covering this month, what better time than now to summarize the rest! Again, I’ll be giving more comprehensive reviews in due time. But until then...

Arsenic and Old Lace (1944), dir. Frank Capra: 90%

Wow, I get why this movie is so very loved, by everybody and my mom! Told her I watched it the other day, and she was very happy to hear it! This is a VERY funny movie, and while it is a black comedy, it’s more of a straight-up comedy than any of these other films! The acting’s a little cheesy sometimes, yeah, but Cary Grant is goddamn AMAZING in this movie. It’s mostly his supporting cast that serves the cheese platter (Raymond Massey especially). Plot and writing by Julius and Phillip Epstein are spot-on smooth, but directing isn’t one of Frank Capra’s best in my completely uninformed opinion. Production and art design is great, especially given that we’re mostly only in one place for the whole movie. Still, that place looks good regardless. Finally, the music by Max Steiner is also pretty fantastic, although it’s not going on my playlist anytime soon, to be honest. Editing by Daniel Mandell is also great, and the pacing of this movie’s plot is...mostly perfect. Lags a little when Jonathan comes in, I think. Anyway, highly recommended, and a must-see!

Recap (Part One | Part Two)

Withnail and I (1987), dir. Bruce Robinson: 86%

OK...this one is kind of hard for me. Because I think I was supposed to get more out of this film than I actually did. Maybe that’s because I’m a filthy American and all that, but this film came off as good dramatically, with some ribald humor in it...but not really that funny. But, OK, to briefly go through the points here: Richard E. Grant, Paul McGann, and Richard Griffiths all turn out fantastic performances here, and they’re extremely memorable. Plot and writing by director Bruce Robinson is very good as well, and it’s also autobiographical to an extent, which is interesting. Very wittily written and performed, so no complaints there. Directing is...fine? It’s fine. Nothing to write home about, although there’s one nice scene on a mountainside which sticks out. Same with Charles Lang and his cinematography, although that fares a little more memorable for me. Production and set design is great, and the music (by Adolph Deutsch)...leaves a little to be desired. In that I don’t remember it at all, not gonna lie. Editing by Arthur P. Scmidt is fine!

Recap (Part One | Part Two)

In Bruges (2008), dir. Martin McDonagh: 90%

Take my feelings on the humor for the preceding two and combine them, then make the tone WAY darker than either, and you have In Bruges. And HOT DAMN, I love it! All of the performances are ridiculously strong here, from Colin Farell and Brendan Gleeson, to Ralph Fiennes and Clémence Poésy. Although, Jordan Prentice and Jérémie Renier are mostly just OK, to be honest with you. And that was nothing to do with the writing and directing of Martin McDonagh, because GODDAMN, those are spot-fucking-ON. Seriously, if this movie has nothing else going for it, it’s some fast-paced writing and delivery that’ll knock your socks off. Love it. And Bruges is framed like a painting, and a nice one at that! It’s also a good looking movie, even if the color palette leaves a little to be desired sometimes. Production and art design is...well, it’s the city of Bruges, for the most part, let’s be honest. It looks good. And finally, music by Carter Burwell is...fine. It’s OK, it’s definitely not very memorable for me, to be honest. But, uh, this is a grizzly, dark, rough movie...and totally worth watching again, hot damn.

Recap

Swiss Army Man (2016), dir. Daniels: Well...keep reading!

Recap is here and here!

Review

Cast and Acting: 9/10

These two, Paul Dano and Daniel Radcliffe, are a hell of a pair...kind of. Fact of the matter is, Radcliffe is heavily restrained in his role until the very end of the film, but is also VERY GOOD with these restraints. I mean, is this one of those “disappear into the role” moments for him? I mean, it definitely is for Dano, but for Radcliffe...I was watching Harry Potter. Never didn’t see the boy who lived, ironically. But, that’s not really on Radcliffe at all, to be fair. Like I said, dude is legitimately fantastic, seriously. He does a fantastic job in the role of...well, being a dead body. And Paul Dano’s Hank is a genuinely interesting character, and one that I’d like to know more about, honestly. He does a great job with what he’s given. Oh, and Mary Elizabeth Winstead was there, too!

Plot and Writing: 8/10

Look...this is a weird-ass concept for a movie. I mean, come on, it’s a movie about a guy with intense social anxiety who makes friends with a semi-resurrected corpse that has multiple abilities and is slowly coming to terms with an new life. And yes, there’s definitely some symbolism in here, whether you see this as a story about depression, coming out, coming to terms with yourself, social anxiety, friendship, existential crises, personal development...dead bodies. Yeah, this film can be read in a LOT of different ways, it turns out. And is that a bad thing? No, of course not. But it is a little nebulous as a result, and you end up focusing less on the sybolis, and more on the whole “dead-body-Victorinox” thing. That plot and the writing, both by the Daniels (Daniel Schinert and Daniel Kwan), are well-done and very funny in a lot of instances (MOST instances, to be honest; this is a very funny film), but I can’t say that I think the plot itself is perfect. But then again, this may have just gone over my head.

Directing and Cinematography: 8/10

I mean...it’s good. Both the directing by the Daniels and the cinematography by Larkin Seiple are both quite good. Lighting is usually pretty great, framing is consistently good, I really don’t have any major complaints...or major comments. There are some good shots, to be clear, but I’m not going to say that it’s perfect or anything. To be fair, this is the Daniels’ first feature length film, so that’s interesting. But yeah, like I said, it’s good!

Production and Art Design: 9/10

This is a great looking movie! And that also comes down to the fact that there’s a pretty realistic looking Daniel Radcliffe puppet in here, and I genuinely didn’t notice until after the fact. It’s pretty great, though, and Radcliffe’s makeup is especially good. The setting of the Pacific Northwest woods is fantastic as well, and the whole thing is simply a great looking film overall. Not much comment outside of that!

Music and Editing: 9/10

MY LORD I love the music in this movie! I meant it when I said I’d be putting some of this on my playlist, because it sounds great. And it’s not just Andy Hull and Robert McDowell’s orchestration, but how the score is integrated with the plot and characters of the film! Look...I love it. Go back to my recap and check out the links embedded within to listen to my favorite tracks, if you’re curious! So, if I love the music so much, why not a 10 here? Editing. There are a few moment where the editing is a little weird. Faster cuts than needed, scene with the bear’s kinda weird, that kind of thing. Nothing huge, but it did come to mind when I was rating this section. Still, Matthew Hannam did a great job; just saw a couple spots I thought were weird.

86% for this one! I had a really good time.

This is the last straight-up black comedy I’m covering this time around, and it’s one hell of a film to end on! So, let’s go back to...well, the ‘50s, this time. Let’s start at the most imfluential comedy of the time period. And hey...might as well start with a near-certified banger, huh?

April 9, 2021: Some Like It Hot (1959), dir. Billy Wilder

[storiesforallfandoms]

advice ~ daniel webber

word count: 2323

request?: yes!

@kellysimagines​ “Can you make a Daniel Webber one where he is working with Daniel Radcliffe on his new movie, and I really want to meet him and Daniel takes me on set so I meet him, and he gives me advice how to become an actress and Daniel is jealous of how close we are and that I constantly visit the set but hang out more with Daniel then him and at home he is cutting me off and stuff and later he confronts me and I laugh at him and explain why I spend alot of time wit him and we make up? :)”

description: when your boyfriend introduces you to his co-star, he starts to get jealous with how much time you two are spending together, but little does he know you’re just getting some acting tips

pairing: daniel webber x female!reader

warnings: swearing

masterlist

also, i know two daniels is gonna be super confusing so just a note: daniel webber = daniel, daniel radcliffe = dan

I squeezed Daniel’s hand as he led me onto the set of his new movie. I was nearly bouncing with excitement, like a child getting to go to the sweets store of an ice cream parlor or something.

Daniel’s most recent movie had him starring alongside Daniel Radcliffe, aka Harry Potter himself. I was a massive Harry Potter fan ever since I was young. The Philosopher’s Stone was the first movie I had ever seen and ever since then I had been hooked. Daniel knew this, and when he got casted for the role with Dan, I practically begged him to bring me to set at least once. He told me he would’ve brought me anyways, but I had a feeling it was mainly to appease my begging.

“If you squeeze my hand any harder I won’t have feeling in it anymore,” he teased, trying to wiggle his hand from my grasp.

I loosened my grip on his hand. “I’m sorry, babe. I’m just excited! I can’t believe I’m actually meeting the Daniel Radcliffe!”

Daniel chuckled and wrapped an arm around me, kissing the top of my head as he did so. “Believe it, baby. He’s in his trailer right now, he should be coming to set soon.”

As if on cue, someone called for Daniel and along came Daniel Radcliffe. I grabbed Daniel’s hand again, my eyes widening in shock and excitement. Daniel winced as I squeezed his hand a little too hard yet again. My heart was beating so fast with excitement that I was sure I was going to pass out. I really hoped I wouldn’t, that’d be the worst first impression on my childhood hero.

He smiled at the two of us and I felt so lightheaded with excitement. I had to stop myself from jumping up and down like an excited child. “Hey! You must be (Y/N). Daniel talks about you all the time.”

I looked at Daniel in surprise and he just smiled back at me. I managed to unlatch my hand from his and extend it to Dan, like a normal person does.

“Yeah, yeah that’s me. It’s so nice to meet you, too,” I said, shaking his hand.

“She’s a massive fan,” Daniel told him, earning a slight hit on his arm from me. Dan just laughed. “She’s an actress, too.”

“I wouldn't call myself an actress yet,” I shrugged. “I’m trying to become one, but the most I’ve done is some background work and I had one line in a Netflix show recently.”

Dan nodded. “Yeah, breaking into the business isn’t all that easy, which I know means nothing coming from someone who starred in a huge franchise at the age of 10.”

I opened my mouth to respond, but at that moment Daniel was whisked away to get into his wardrobe and to get hair and makeup done. Suddenly, with him no longer by my side, all the confidence I had to talk to Dan was gone as well. The words I was about to say fizzled out in my throat and I just stood there with an open mouth, like an idiot.

I clamped my mouth shut finally, but tried to rack my brain for something to say.

“So,” Dan said instead, sending relief through me, “just having trouble getting your foot in the door with roles?”

I sighed heavily and nodded. “I’ve had plenty of auditions for all sorts of roles, but they all end the same; they tell me I’m fantastic but I’m just not who they’re looking for. I’m starting to think I’m not even a good actress, they just don’t want to tell me the truth.”

“I’m sure you’re a fantastic actress. The sad reality, especially these days, is just that casting directors want more well known faces to lead their movies in order to sell more tickets and to get a better box office rating, even if well known faces aren’t the best option,” Dan said. “You should show me some of your acting, like audition videos if you have them, or you can do a scene by memory, while we wait. We have some time while Daniel gets ready.”

I felt dizzy with excitement yet again. Daniel Radcliffe was asking to see my acting?! How could I pass this up?!

The two of us sat together on some nearby chairs and I showed Dan the audition video from my last audition. I still had it on my phone to try and see what I couldn’t possibly done wrong for the casting directors to pass up on me, but every time I watched it I couldn’t see a problem. They seemed genuinely impressed with my skills, and had even told me that time around that they’d “get in touch” with my agent.

They stayed true to their word, but they got in touch to tell my agent that they had casted someone else, not me.

Dan told me he thought my acting was great, which caused me to nearly jump around like a child yet again, and assured me that he thought I would be casted in a lead role soon enough.

“Hollywood has so many known faces, casting directors need to focus on the up and coming people instead. You just have to find the right casting director who thinks that,” he told me.

I smiled brightly at him. “I appreciate that, and I appreciate you looking at my acting.”

“It was no problem! You’re insanely talented, and really nice. I can see why Daniel likes you so much.”

I smiled. Over Dan’s shoulder, I could see Daniel standing with someone while watching the two of us. I waved excitedly to him, causing Dan to look over. Daniel smiled back, but it wasn’t one of his wide, bright smiles, and he didn’t wave either. It seemed odd, but I figured maybe it was because of something being said to him with whoever he was stood with.

“Looks like Daniel’s ready to go,” Dan said. “I better get going to start the scene. I’ll talk to you after, yeah?”

“Yeah! Sounds good.”

~~~~~~

As the weeks went on, I continued to go to set with Daniel to talk with Dan. In between takes, he would give me advice on acting, and on how to really put myself out there and make myself stand out to casting directors despite not being a big named actress.

I was grateful for his help, and looked forward to the days where I could go to set with Daniel to talk to Dan. However, those days started to become few and far between as Daniel began to grow distant.

It started with slight silence at the end of every day. We’d drive home from set every night in complete silence. I’d try to ask Daniel about the day on set and how he found the movie was coming along, but his answers were always short and he never asked anything in return, so I let it go. Then, my visits to the set slowly came to an end when Daniel would get up and leave before waking me, leaving me home alone for the day, and rarely answering my calls throughout the day.

I knew he was acting off, and I wanted to bring it up, but I wasn’t sure how to. I didn’t want to seem like a prying girlfriend, but it was obvious Daniel was mad with me about something, something I wasn’t even sure of.

After yet another day where he went to set without me, Daniel came home earlier than normal. I was sat in our living room watching TV, and I got up to greet him when I heard the door open. He had the same, expressionless look on his face that he always had lately.

“Hey,” I said. “You’re home early.”

“We finished filming early,” he responded. “We might be finished this movie sooner than anyone thought. They’re thinking we could be wrapped within the next few days.”

I nodded, although wasn’t sure how to respond. I was hoping to get to go back to set to see Dan a few more times before they wrapped, but judging by Daniel’s current attitude, that probably wouldn’t be happening.

“Daniel was asking about you,” he said as he moved past me, just inches away from bumping my shoulder as he did so. He had a bitter tone to his voice

I glared after him, wondering what his problem was. “Yeah? What was he asking?”

“Where you were, and why you weren’t coming to set with me anymore. He said he missed seeing you around.”

“I was starting to wonder the same thing,” I said, following Daniel to our shared bedroom. “Is there a reason you stopped taking me to set with you? If you were asked to stop, you can tell me, I won’t be upset, but you just stopped even waking me to go to set with you anymore.”

“I bet you’re really upset that you can’t see Daniel then, huh?” His voice was like ice, but the accusing tone of his voice sent a fiery rage through me.

I couldn’t help but laugh. “Really, Daniel? That’s what this is all about? The fact that I spend time on set with Dan? We’ve invited you to join us on multiple occasions, and you always turn us down!”

“I shouldn’t have to be invited to spend time with my girlfriend, (Y/N)! Not when she’s spending all of her time with another guy! How do you think it makes me feel to see you two all over each other right in front of me?”

I scoffed and rolled my eyes. “We sit next to each other and talk, that’s hardly being all over one another. I can’t believe you don’t trust me enough to let me have a male friend! A guy who, by the way, is also in a relationship and has been for like seven years! If you actually took us up on the offers, or if you just came over and sat with us sometime, you’d know that all that's happening is that Dan is giving me acting advice so I can finally get a role.”

Daniel turned to look at me, his face less angry and more shocked. I didn’t let him get a word in, quickly adding, “But no, you avoided me, gave me the silent treatment, and intentionally stopped bringing me to set so that I wouldn’t see him anymore, instead of talking to me about this like a normal person. I thought we had a stronger relationship than this, Daniel, but I guess I was wrong.”

I grabbed my purse from the bedroom floor and made my way to the front door. I didn’t know where I was going, but I wanted to get out of the house. I was so frustrated and angry that I couldn’t even stand to look at Daniel. How dare he accuse me of cheating on him?! He knew I loved him more than anything, that I’d never do that to him, but apparently that wasn’t enough to convince him that I was just friends with Dan.

I heard him running after me, and his hand grab my arm just before I reached for the door. I tried to pull away, but he tightened his grip.

“Let me go,” I said, trying to pull my arm free again.

“Not unless you promise not to leave when I do.” I sighed and nodded. He let my arm go and I crossed my arms. “Baby, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions like that.”

“You really shouldn’t have,” I retorted. “Daniel, you know I love you more than anything, I’d never throw that away for a guy I just met, even if he’s the star of my favourite film franchise. Do you know how much it hurts that you’re accusing me of cheating on you with Dan?”

“I know, I know,” he sighed, running his hands through his hair. “It was beyond stupid of me to think that, and even more so to just act out without asking. You were just so close with him on set, and it seemed like the only reason you ever wanted to go was to see him. I just...I felt jealous...I’m so sorry baby, please forgive me.”

I took a deep breath, allowing myself to calm down a moment before I spoke. “I can forgive you, Daniel. But you have to promise to talk to me when you’re worried about stuff like this in the future and not just give me the cold shoulder. It sucked feeling like I couldn’t talk to you about anything because you never really talked back. You just ignored me.”

Daniel nodded and wrapped his arms around me. “I promise, babe, I’ll talk to you about any concerns I have in the future. I’m so sorry.”

I hugged him back, burying my head in his chest. “I forgive you. And I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

I pulled away and leaned up to kiss Daniel. He cupped my face gently and held me to him.

“Now that you’re talking to me again,” I said, breaking away from the kiss. “I’ve been trying to tell you that I had an audition last week and they cast me in a reoccurring role in a new Netflix show in development.”

“What?!” Daniel exclaimed, his face lighting up with excitement. “Babe! Holy shit, that’s amazing!”

I giggled as he kissed me again. “It is. I’m very excited. They’re supposed to finish casting this week and send us our scripts shortly after. Filming starts in about two months.”

Daniel hugged me tightly. I smiled and melted into him, happy that our short, sort of fight was over.

“Let’s go celebrate,” he said. “We’ll get food, whatever you want, on me.”

“Now you’re speaking my language,” I said.

[magg0t-bible]

two things my daydreaming has stolen from me (LONG POST WARNING)

So I’ve made and reblogged a few posts about maladaptive daydreaming on here, though I’m not always certain whether what I’m experiencing is maladaptive daydreaming or just immersive daydreaming. I don’t always think of it as being something negative...but there are some issues I’ve noticed with it. There are two main problems I encounter as a result of my excessive daydreams, and they both revolve around relationships.

First: not wanting to date real people that aren't my paras.

This probably manifests differently for me than it might for other people with MaDD, because I only have a small handful of paras (i.e. characters I created myself), while the rest of them are real people that I’m a fan of - usually, but not exclusively, band members. This leads to difficulty with my real life romantic relationships because it’s really hard to let go of the fantasy in which I am usually 20+ years older and married to one of my favourite musicians. I’ve noticed that my bisexuality swings mostly towards women and that I’d rather marry a woman, because most guys my age just continue to disappoint me and the only time I’d actually date a man is in my daydreams. Listen, if I could marry Kirk Hammett, I would, but he’s 57 years old and already married. And daydreaming has made that harder to accept than I’d care to admit.

Secondly: envying the real significant others of my daydream partners.

When I was younger, if a girl so much as touched the male celebrity of my fantasies, I would despise her to absolutely no end. The older and more mature I get, I’m able to let go of most of that resentment, but unfortunately not all of it. Obviously I love the man in question and want him to be happy, so seeing him with his girlfriend/wife makes me happy for him. But there is always, always something scratching at the inside of my brain, like a parasite. 

Envy.

Envy is arguably worse than jealousy, because when you see someone with something you want, jealousy is when you wish you had it, while envy is when you wish you had it and they didn’t. It’s a visceral feeling of wanting to take something from someone. And it’s fucking god awful.

How dare this woman exist in the space where I’m supposed to exist? How dare she take the one thing I want, that I daydream about to escape reality? Because my daydreams are an idealised life for me; they’re what I wish I was actually living. And in those daydreams, I’m married to [insert celebrity]. And that means that in those daydreams, she doesn't exist. But she does exist. And she’s living the one thing I would give up anything to make real for myself.

I wish I didn’t feel this way. I really do. Because these women are always some of the most beautiful people I’ve ever seen, with kind hearts and compassionate smiles and God does he look happy when he looks at her. But accepting the way he looks at her means accepting something else.

He will never look at me like that.

Daydreaming with paras that really exist can be really difficult, especially when you’ve just exited a particularly intense session and go on social media to see that person living their real life. It’s a bit unnerving. Like the first time you see your favourite actor out of character. “What do you mean, you’re Daniel Radcliffe? No, you’re not, you’re Harry Potter.” What do you mean, you live on the other side of the world to me and don’t know I exist? No, you don’t. You're my husband.

What do you mean, the world I created for myself is nothing but a fantasy?

No, it’s not.

It can’t be.

[diazevan]

xiv. tear-stained

Tony had noticed, whenever Peter spent the week at the Lake House, he had a subconscious routine. He’d return home from school or patrol and talk their ears off about his day. He’d play with Morgan until dinner, then they’d all settle down to watch a movie and spend most of their time talking over it. Peter would skip away to phone May, and then help Tony with Morgan’s rather extravagant bedtime stories.  So, when Peter walked in, hummed a half-hearted hello, before rushing upstairs, all while blatantly ignoring his sister’s pleas to play Hide and Seek, Tony knew something was wrong.  He had a radar for when his kids were upset. He’d recently phoned Harley, out of the blue, and found out the poor kid had been dumped on the same day. In an unexplainable way, it was his Spidey Sense. He hadn’t seen Peter’s face when he charged through, as he’d hidden behind his hoodie, but Tony knew he was crying, or at least, had been. Pepper looked to Tony, concern swimming in her eyes.  Tony jumped down from his stool, “I’ve got this.” He pressed a kiss against her cheek and hurried up. Peter’s door was shut. That was another red alarm. The kid hardly ever shut his door, unless it was time for bed. He kept it open, so Morgan could run in and out.  Tony tapped his finger against the door, and cautiously pushed it open when he got no answer, “Kid?”  “Leave me alone,” Peter growled, but the slight hiccup in his voice painted a different story. He was sitting on the edge of his bed, his hood was down, but he was facing the other way, so Tony couldn’t see his face. Tony stepped in, closing the door behind him, “I’m not leaving until I know why you’re crying.” Peter tugged at his sleeves, “It doesn’t matter.” He snapped his head back, his lower lip trembled as he stared into Tony’s eyes, “Just go away!” He bellowed, but his eyes pleaded with Tony to stay, he threw his hand back, “I don’t need you to constantly baby me.” “I’m not babying you, kid.” Tony hovered at the end of the bed, with his arms crossed,  “I’m worried about you.”

“You don’t have to!” Tony stifled a laugh, “Are you kidding?” He asked, “I always worry about you. Twenty-four hours, seven days a week.” Peter dipped his chin to his chest, as his throat cracked, “I’m fine.” Tony tilted his head to his shoulder, “You don’t look ‘fine’ to me.” “Leave me alone!” Peter cried, once more, “I don’t wanna talk.” “I know you don’t want to be alone, kid.” Tony sat down next to him, Peter shuffled away, closer to the head of the bed. Something had him rattled. Tony hated seeing him like this, “You know you can tell me anything and everything, right?” “Yeah…” Peter hugged his arms around his front, “But not this.” Tony’s heart dropped to his feet, he reached forward, squeezing Peter’s shoulder, “Okay, what’s going on?” This wasn’t a Spider-Man issue, this was Peter issue, and Tony would get to the bottom of it, “Did something happen at school?” Peter nodded, as he tugged a loose string hanging off the seam of his hoodie, “Did someone hurt you?” Peter shook his head, “Did someone say something?” Peter jolted, and let out a quiet whimper, “What did they say?” Peter’s arms hung by his sides as he deflated, “It’s not that easy, Tony.” Tony reached out, grabbing his arm. Peter looked at him, on the verge of breaking down, “Hey, anything and everything. Remember?” “Anything and everything?” Peter repeated softly, as he locked his hand around Tony’s, “Okay…” He kept his eyes locked on the carpet, “MJ and Ned were talking about their celebrity crushes at lunchtime.” He shrugged, “It was fun, you know?” He choked out, as his breaths grew fewer and further between,  “Tony...they know something about me...that no one else…” “Pete…” Tony squeezed his hand, “Look at me.” Peter did, and he slowed his breathing, as he studied Tony, “You’re okay. Take your time.”  Tony knew where this was going, he couldn’t wait to shower the kid with the love and pride he deserved, but Peter had to say it first. Tony couldn’t rob him of his coming out, even if it was glaringly obvious. Peter had to tell him, that was the important part. The kid needed to exhale.  “I like…” Peter stuttered, pulling Tony’s arm closer, “Boys...and um, girls.” Tony’s heart fluttered in his chest, and he felt tears brim in his eyes, “I’m bi.” Peter tapped his foot, anxiously against the floor, “I...said I have a crush on Daniel Radcliffe. You know, the guy’s Harry Potter? He’s an icon.” Tony inhaled a small laugh, but his smile faded when Peter’s face dropped, “Some people overheard me and you know…they suck.” Peter looked up, his breath hitched, “Tony...are you crying?”  “No.” Tony scoffed, as he wiped tears out of his eyes, “Definitely not.” Tony nudged Peter’s chin up, “Listen, whatever they said, they do suck.” Peter chuckled through a sob, “I wish you could be free to love who you want, without people screaming at you because they don’t agree with who you are.” He held out his arm towards the window, to emphasize his point, “They can fuck off, Pete!” Peter’s eyebrows shot up, and a grin grew on his face. Tony tried his best not to swear in front of his kids, but he wasn’t the best at holding back. That was another dollar in the swear jar, but it was worth it.  “Seriously, I mean that.” Tony told him, he prodded Peter’s chest, “You are you. Never let them take that away.” His voice wavered, “I’m so happy that you’ve told me.” He reached out, brushing tears off Peter’s cheek with the side of his thumb, “Who knows, maybe you and Michelle are going to have a fantastic life together.” They were still young, but Peter and Michelle clicked, like an old married couple. It terrified Tony to his core. He loved Michelle, but seeing them together, it reminded him that Peter was growing up, “That’d be great because she’s amazing, but then again, you might not. Whoever you end up with, kid, they’re going to love you for you.” Tony wasted no time in dragging Peter into his arms, he folded his arms around his back, and Peter rested his head against his collarbone as he relaxed in his embrace. Tony moved, kissing his temple as he threaded his fingers through his hair. Peter held on as tight as he could, “Thank you."

"But you get to exhale now. You get to be more you than you have been...in a very long time. You deserve everything you want." - Love Simon, 2018. 

[orangejuicegarage]

Just, a Boy

So, let’s just say Harry and Ginny do stay together after high school. It’s a lot of trauma and healing and tough love. It’s a soothing love after years of pain; the familiarity, the family, it’s what they both need.

As the dust settles, as the scars fade, the days become brighter.

Ginny is in training to become a bad ass quidditch player, and Harry… well Harry’s not too sure. He hasn’t been particularly sure about anything since the war to be honest.

He still gets stopped in the street for a quick picture, gets chatted up in a bar for another war story, still uses his magic for some everyday inconveniences, but when you’ve mostly been made a weapon for the majority of your learning years sometimes you just can’t help but feel like any spell will end in tragedy.

Maybe he needs a break. Takes the train by himself to muggle London. His first text from Ginny in over a month starts and ends with “I’m sorry but it’s for the best.”

Maybe the chilly streets are soothing.

Maybe he doesn’t even feel the need to cast a quick warming charm.

Maybe what he really needed was anonymity.

No longer the chosen one. Just, a boy.

So, he lives like that. In a small flat in London. Ron and Hermione still visit of course.

He works at a local daycare Monday – Thursday. He drinks on Fridays. He paints on Saturdays. He wanders around the city on Sundays.

Then, perhaps, he’s got off work early on Thursday and decides to swing by his favorite sweets shop that nearly rivals those of the great hall, and … by God, that’s Draco fucking Malfoy.

Is he fucking smiling? That fucker. Serving cakes to little kids like he’s not a bloody – wait, wait, Harry breathe, the renounced his family remember? He saved your life, you saved his life, be cool. Maybe I’ll just come back later. Nope he sees me. He saw me pacing and gesturing like a mad man didn’t he? Fuck.

Ding

At a loss for words, they just stare at each other for a few, long, seconds. Very long seconds.

Ahem

They both jump out of their skin; the line has grown substantially. Harry quickly orders, Draco quickly checks him out (not like that… yet). Harry runs out of the store.

It would be wise I would say for Harry to never ever go back there, but we’ve never really known Harry to be wise have we?

And so he does go back. Many times. To the point where the staff know him by name and 100% think Draco and Harry are in love with each other despite never really talking. It does however quickly go from silence, to fleeting glances, to order suggestions, to jabs about “getting fat”, to full on bickering in front of the whole store. The only difference now its that it’s more of an old habit than a power move. They’d never admit it but they always part ways with a tinge of a smile pulling at their lips.

Now finally, for the love of God, after Harry’s third trip to the shop in a week, Draco’s manager tells him to take the night off, “The poor lad’s in debt now trying to get your attention. Get your head out of your arse and take him out for a drink already!”

Shocked, Draco walks out of the back, red-earred, “Fancy a drink, Potter?”

---

The pub is loud. They sit at the bar. They don’t say anything.

Surprise, surprise, real human interaction is hard isn’t it?

They drink more than they talk, and when they do talk it’s little mundane things.

Harry steals glances of Draco, his lean body, elongated by black jeans, contrasted by his moonlight hair. It’s longer now, curls a bit at the ends, it’s cute.

Draco doesn’t make eye contact. He sips his wine, his legs crossed, posture upright. He nods and hums and answers all of Harry’s questions but not excessively. He pretends to be a pretentious bastard who smells his wine every ten seconds but really it’s to keep out Harry’s scent of warm grass and muggle sweets and fresh flannel and the fact that the only reason why he knows that is from a perfectly brewed amortentia in 12th year (it was perfect he checked three times) but it’s not like he’d ever tell him that. Never in a million years.

It’s a couple hours in and Harry think’s Draco’s bored, and Draco thinks Harry keeps looking at someone else. Draco downs his wine and stands, every intention to leave but how can he with those huge emerald eyes looking so worried? Draco clears his throat, “Loo.” And walks off.

Harry’s heart sinks, he berates himself, he mindlessly picks at the scarred skin around his bitten nails. It feels like hours before Draco sits back down. His sleeves are rolled, Harry internally gasps at the mangled death eater mark, “Draco…” Draco quickly pulls his sleeves back down, looking anywhere but Harry, “Shut it.” “But –” Draco orders a shot. Harry returns to his nails.

Drinks empty, neither of them are really thinking of anything when, “Ouch”, suddenly all of Draco’s attention is on Harry. “Jesus Christ, Potter.” Draco swiftly pulls a first aid kit from his bag, wraps his bleeding finger in a disinfecting wipe. His hands tremble, he ruins the first band aid getting it out of the packaging, he sticks the second one to itself, he finally gets it on the third try but it’s way too tight. Harry bursts out laughing. Draco jumps, “Wha-what? Did I do it wrong?” Through laughter, Harry heaves out, “I just – you’re so clumsy! Draco “perfectionist” Malfoy!” Harry nearly falls out of his chair.

Draco’s face reddens. He shoves his things into his bag and storms out. Still laughing, Harry hurries after him. He catches up to him outside. Draco sulks, refuses to look at him. Harry, reading Draco like an open book, circles him playfully, trying to meet his eyes. After a good few minutes of dancing around each other Draco finally turns to Harry, sticks out his tongue, like a freaking child, grins and runs away. Harry, feigning shock, takes off after him. In the middle of the night, down an old London street, the two laugh like they’re kids again. Harry chases him, knowing he’ll catch up eventually, but wishing he would do so sooner.

. . .

Hey so I play Hogwarts Mystery and follow their Instagram and there was a promo for a recent side adventure where Tonks helps you get a date and I’ve seen them do this challenge many times and I was thinking “is this modeled after Harry “chosen one” Potter being a hoe in high school?”

So I started thinking of that, and then I started thinking about Ginny and a vid I saw where Daniel Radcliffe was saying she was a good balance for Harry but for some reason my characterization of him (this is coming from someone who has just seen the movies don’t come at me) didn’t seem to line up with that, now add to that the fuck ton of Drarry content I’ve seen on Tumblr and how I basically characterize them based on their fanon versions…. So here we are. Let it also be known that I have zero impulse control.

also posted on Ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22563703

[captain-aralias]

30 Days of Carry On - Day 25 and 26

closing in on the end of days now...

25. Favourite book cover design

@annabellelux​ calls this one identically too - the US paperback cover for ‘carry on’, accept no substitutes. 

she also raises some very good points about the ‘wayward son’ cover, viz:  I think Baz’s facial expression is so ????? And Simon’s smirk feels off given the content. 

again - i completely agree! now - i would say i overall like the covers anyway because the colour schemes are all beautiful, and simon is beautiful, and baz’s shirt is beautiful, but i have angsted about the downgrade from baz’s floral suit to the shirt before (why?). and even though it’s still kevin wada, i’m sure i’ve said... i dont like how brainless simon looks on the UK cover :/

what i haven’t explicitely said - but probably would say if i ever wrote a formal review of this book - is that the marketing is all wrong, in exactly the way that annabellelux describes. when the wayward son art dropped, people talked about how confident and tanned baz looked, and how capable simon looked - and then when the real wayward son art dropped, it looks like the golden, care-free roadtrip epilogue. 

and the name ‘wayward son’ is wrong as well - because ... it says this is a book about simon, whereas rainbow very clearly told us she intended it to be about baz. but simon is the wayward son who flew too high, right? 

now - is the marketing wrong, because i have five copies of this book if you count digital and audio editions? i mean - it isn’t. it effectively sold me many books. but it doesn’t tell me what the book is. 

i don’t know if would actually have made sense, but i keep thinking about a ‘wayward son’ (leave hte name for a moment) cover that looks more like this... (indigo, endpapers art)

but no fault to find with he american ‘carry on’ paperback. i’ve already talked about how much i love it. i love it.  

26. Do you want a movie? If yes - any fan casts for the movie?

yes. even if it was bad, i would want it, because a) it would generate more merchandise (please see my previous post about this) and b) you can’t watch a book. which sounds stupid, but what i mean is - sometimes (often) life is tiring. and you don’t want to do anything as energetic as read. i know we have the audiobook, and i do listen to it, but without visuals my brain thinks - what else could i be doing while i’m listening to this? which is not the point. 

so yes - i would like a movie. i have no fancasts, except... cary elwes from twenty years ago as the mage (or gareth thomas - not the rugby player - from even longer ago); hugh grant (obviously) as lamb - and because hugh grant, and because i once called her fifi in something i wrote, kristen scott thomas (twenty years ago too - this is never going to work) as fiona pitch. i’m sure like with harry potter, we could find some great british actors to do walk-on roles as teachers and parents amazingly. 

i have no idea who would play our heroes. it’s strongly implied in fangirl that it literally is potter.... but i think we can do better than (the extremely delightful in many ways) daniel radcliffe for simon. thank goodness we don’t need to cast him when he’s 11.

but also - i think my real answer is that i want it to be made into an anime series where every single detail of mundanity is lovingly rendered across 90 episodes of 20 minutes each. so many anime boys look like baz in some way, and i see them and think of him and how pretty he is, like they are, and that makes me think - baz is born for anime. we’d make it work for simon and penny somehow. 

All the other days. 

[sing-for-theongreyjoy]

Alfie Allen bares his soul in Equus

By Jim Greenhalf

Some people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth. Others are born to parents with a silver spoon under their noses.

Alfie Allen was born with a generous sprinkling of stardust on his eyelids.

His parents are multi-talented, four-times married actor Keith Allen and film producer Alison Owen; and he is the younger brother of chart-topping singer Lily Allen.

His acting credits include roles in movies such as Elizabeth, Atonement and The Other Boleyn Girl. He's worked with Stephen Poliakoff and appears in the three-part BBC drama Casualty 1907.

All this by the age of 21.

Now he's heading for the stage in Bradford in an acclaimed revival of Peter Shaffer's psychological drama Equus, in his first stage role as a professional actor. The pazzaz with which he brings it off is a tour-de-force or, pardon the terrible pun, a tour-de-horse.

He plays Alan Strang, a friendless stable-lad passionately devoted to horses. In fact he worships them. But he is so screwed up by his dysfunctional parents' conflicting views about sex and religion that, in a paroxysm of guilt, shame and rage after a failed attempt to have sex with a girl in a stable, he hacks out the eyes of six horses. On stage Alfie has to do this completely naked. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, sustained full-frontal nudity is about to make its debut at the Alhambra. You have been warned, so don't go along and then ask for your money back.

But, hey, what's it all about, Alfie?

"The most difficult thing about doing the play was losing weight, toning up, eating healthily, not smoking as many cigarettes. The nudity wasn't difficult for me: I just got on with it. It was harder doing it in rehearsal rooms than on stage. The most challenging thing for me has been being away from my family, my loved ones," he said.

With his clothes on he looked somewhat smaller, slighter, than on stage without his clothes. Lighting has a way of modulating and highlighting the curves and bumps of the body to make it look bigger, fuller.

Taking on the role indicates a level of maturity, for Alan Strang is a very demanding part to play.

"I saw it as a fantastic opportunity. What scared me most about it was the amount of dialogue I had to learn, and when I got to rehearsals how physical it was. When you are reading it in rehearsal you are not thinking about that; but when you've got people like Simon Callow and Linda Thorson with you, it makes it so much easier."

Meaning what, he was more relaxed?

"Definitely, especially being on stage with Simon. Some people said he could be difficult, but he has been such a nice, nice person and has really helped me through it," Alfie said.

After the performance that I saw, Mr Callow made a point of hugging Alfie at the curtain call. It was the experienced actor's way of proclaiming his appreciation of the younger man's efforts.

"This is the biggest role I have had," Alfie added, laughing as I, mindful of his need to watch his weight, moved a bowl of deliciously crunchy crisps out of his reach.

This being very much a young person's age, when fame and celebrity are marked very high by magazines, newspapers and television, I wondered how he was handling the pressure of it all.

"I am just so focused on the play as a whole," he said.

Does that mean that he lives it in every waking moment, from the time he wakes up to the time he goes to sleep. He nodded in the affirmative.

"My day is quite routine. I try to eat well, drink lots of water. My mind is fixed on this part completely. I knew I was going to do this."

Have his mum and dad helped?

"My mum helped me to learn my lines. My dad told me to relax. I always think you can't really tell someone how to act, it has to come from within; but you can give tips. My dad gave me some tips."

Such as?

"How to learn lines by reading them out to myself over and over again - and to try to make it seem like the first time every time," he added.

I was particularly impressed with his voice. That may seem a strange observation to make about an actor, but having your own voice (as opposed to sounding like someone else) is like having stage presence, hence the impression, I suppose, that on stage Alfie Allen is more imposing than he is in the flesh. On stage he comes across as a young man. Sitting at a table nibbling crisps he looks like a fresh-faced teenager.

However, his acting prowess has been noted in other quarters.

"I have had some interest shown. I have been asked to do a photo-shoot for a film I would really like to do. I can't tell you the name," he said.

So is he making plans for the future?

"I don't like to plan for the future, I just like to live life in the present and see what comes my way. This play is just a huge learning curve. You can never stop learning."

I thought of the hundreds of young people at stage school of some description in the Bradford district, perhaps from a background less propitious for acting than Alfie's, hoping against hope that their lucky number will come up. What, I wondered, had he to say to them and to others not fortunate enough to have a role model or mentor?

"You've got to find something you enjoy. I guess most people don't have a choice. Anything I do I would try to do to the best of my ability; but I would need to enjoy it.

"I guess discipline does come into it a lot. I was at boarding school. I had problems with discipline when I was younger - I was mouthy. I had to take myself in hand and stop being like that. You have to learn not to take yourself too seriously," he said.

At the time of writing, Alfie Allen is not scheduled to take the role of Alan Strang to America in the autumn when Equus transfers to Broadway. Harry Potter actor Daniel Radcliffe has agreed to resume the part. Likewise, Richard Griffith will reprise the role of Dysart.

But the consensus of opinion among those of us who saw Alfie Allen do his stuff in Newcastle was that this was a young actor of whom a great deal more is going to be heard. If you get the opportunity to see him on stage, take it.

Equus is on at the Alhambra from April 28 to May 3. The box office number is (01274) 432000.

[taetaespeaches]

“No. I am not letting you cry over Daniel fucking Radcliffe right now”

Namjoon x Reader (or oc)

Word count: 1.9K

a/n: Once again, this is just a fluffy piece with very little plot. It was supposed to be straight up silliness but then I went a little angsty before bringing the fluff back. My bad, guys. I hope you enjoy! Thanks for reading! 

“What are you talking about?” You shot Namjoon a wide-eyed look, showing just how shocked you were. “We’ve been over this so many times, how are you still denying it?”

“Baby, come on,” he looked at you with a small smile. “Yes, it looked like him, but there’s no way it was him.”

“It was him!” With wide eyes, you looked at Namjoon expectantly, waiting for him to confirm your story.

“Wait, who is Daniel Radcliffe again?” Jeongguk asked the two of you.

“He plays Harry Potter,” you responded without taking your gaze from your boyfriend.

“You saw Harry Potter?!” Jeongguk yelled out in excitement. Looking at the maknae, you nodded enthusiastically.

“Yeah, at a market in Ilsan while we were visiting Joon’s family,” you smiled brightly.

“No, we didn’t,” Namjoon cut in, making you roll your eyes before shooting daggers at him. “We saw someone who looks like him.” As he looked from Jeongguk to you, he cocked his head at your glare. “Y/n, why would Daniel Radcliffe be at a random market in Ilsan?”

“You’re telling me it’s more believable to find Daniel Radcliffe’s doppelgänger in the Seoul area than the real Daniel Radcliffe?” At this point you were more annoyed at your boyfriend’s smartass tone than anything.

“But why would he be in Ilsan, all alone, just doing some light shopping at a market? How does that make sense?” He added a chuckle at the end, pressing your annoyance further.

Jeongguk hummed in understanding of Namjoon’s logic, nodding his head. “Yeah, I bet it was a look-a-like,” he said, oblivious to your anger. As you chewed on the inside of your cheek in irritation, Jeongguk’s eyes widened in realization of your mood. Trying to cover his own ass, he backtracked. “But, it’s still cool though! I mean, I don’t know, I wasn’t there. Maybe it was the real him. Really cool either way, y/n.” He attempted to console you while trying to get himself out of trouble.

You mustered a small smile at the younger man, assuring him it wasn’t him you were angry at. Returning your smile, he quickly stood up. As he escaped the living room, he shot Namjoon a wide-eyed look, silently warning his older friend of what was to come from you.

As soon as Jeongguk cleared the area, you huffed, crossing your arms over your chest, burning a hole into the wall in front of you with your stern stare.

Namjoon sighed as he took in your angry appearance, trying to hold back a smile at how cute you were when you were mad. Another thing that pissed you off— he never took your anger seriously. Scooting closer to you on the sofa, he sweetly said, “Baby…”

Giving him the silent treatment, you tightened the cross of your arms over your chest, silently telling him to stay the fuck away. “Baby, don’t be mad at me,” he pouted.

Stubbornly holding onto your silence, you transferred your gaze to the opposite side of the room, looking far from your boyfriend’s adorable pouty face.

“Come on, at least talk to me. I miss your voice.” Namjoon nudged your shoulder with his nose, trying to pull your attention to him. After a failed attempt, he scooted even closer, nudging your cheek with his nose this time. “Y/n,” he whined. “Baby.”

“Stop or I’ll bite you,” you snapped, making him flinch away for a moment before grinning and pressing a kiss to your neck.

“There’s my loving baby’s sweet voice,” he teased, making you roll your eyes.

“Namjoon, seriously. Stop, please.” Your serious tone had him straightening his posture as he looked at you in confusion, his eyebrows pulling together.

“Wait, are you really mad?” As you continued to look towards the opposite direction of where your boyfriend sat, his face suddenly popped up in your eyesight as he peered around your body to catch a glimpse of your features. The way he comically appeared in your vision, his mouth hung open as his eyes showed just how much his mind was reeling around the fact that you were actually truly upset, would have made you laugh if you weren’t so fucking annoyed. “Hey, talk to me.” Reaching for your arms, he pulled them from your chest, taking your hands in his own.

“You can be a real jerk sometimes,” you whispered. A jerk? Those words stabbed Namjoon directly in his heart.

“What? I was just kidding, Baby. If you’re so sure it was him, who am I to tell you—“

“I don’t give a fuck if we saw him, what I care about is you not supporting me and then making me feel like a dumbass in front of your friends,” you barked back.

You watched as his eyes turned from concern to confusion. “It was just Jeongguk,” he justified. “He does 50 dumbass things every day.”

“I know that. But still, I feel fucking stupid. You may have a genius-level IQ but that doesn’t make me inferior to you,” you said, a tinge of sadness in your tone.

His expression suddenly showed his realization and then it quickly turned to remorse in the matter of a few seconds.

“Oh my god, y/n, I know you aren’t inferior to me. Far from it,” he started as he dropped your hands, instead placing his palms on your cheeks, squishing them, pushing your pouted lips into an even bigger pout. “I didn’t mean to make you feel stupid or silly or anything else. You are the most intelligent and perceptive and aware person I’ve ever met. I’m the idiot. Baby, I’m so sorry, I promise I will never speak to you like that again. I feel awful.” Tears began to form in his eyes as he sincerely apologized to you.

At the sight of his tears, your heart crumbled. You knew he didn’t mean to make you feel bad. You knew he didn’t think you were dumb or silly. You knew he admired your mind. Seeing him get so emotional made you jump into protective partner mode. “Oh my god, Joonie. No. I am not letting you cry over Daniel fucking Radcliffe right now.” You reached up to touch his face.

“Do I really make you feel inferior to me?” He looked at you sadly.

Quickly shaking your head, you gripped his hands in your own, pulling them from your face and holding them to your chest so he could feel your heart beating. “You don’t, Joon. I always feel so respected and admired by you, I promise. I just, I think I project my own insecurities on you sometimes, and that’s not fair to you,” you shook your head. “I just don’t always feel good enough. And that’s my own shit, that has nothing to do with you. I’m sorry.”

“Good enough for what?” He asked, his eyes intense. “For me?” 

“Just good enough in general. Good enough as a student. Good enough at my job. Good enough for my parents.” Your voice got quieter, showing your shame. “Good enough for you, sometimes.” Averting your eyes, you continued. “I see the world in you, and I just feel like I’m lacking sometimes. Not often, but every once in a while.” 

Namjoon sighed, taking a moment to process your words. “Please, tell me when you feel this way. Just... sit me down and talk to me.” He cocked his head to try to catch your eyes. “Will you please look at me, Baby?” Looking up at him, you met his kind eyes with your own. They weren’t judging you or shaming you, but were instead full of consideration and understanding. And he stared at you like you were perfection in his eyes.  

“Stop looking at me like that,” you said softly, overwhelmed by the affection in his gaze. 

Raising his eyebrows, he asked, “Like what?” You sighed, cocking your head at him. 

“Like I put the stars in the sky,” you said with a hint of a smile. 

“Didn’t you?” He flashed the smallest of smiles, making you playfully roll your eyes at his adorable cheesiness. “You should never feel less than or not good enough,” he told you, eyes soft but intense. “Especially when it comes to us. We’re partners, Baby.” 

“I know we are, Joon. I’ll talk to you, I promise,” you nodded. Cocking your head at him again, you smiled. “I love you.” 

“Why are you so forgiving,” he frowned. “I really am not deserving of your forgiveness all the time.” His sad frown was so downturned, you couldn’t help the small giggle that slipped out at the comical expression.

“Well, that’s not true and I don’t care what you think, I’m giving you my forgiveness anyway,” you smiled. “Now, what is this face?” You laughed, making his eyes lighten up a bit at the sound. “We’re good, so quit looking like this. Where are those dimples I love so much?” He couldn’t stop the upturn of his lips at your sweet tone. “There they are,” you cooed, dipping your fingers into the divots in his cheeks.

Shaking his head, he repositioned his hands in yours to wrap them around your wrists, bringing your fingers to his lips as he placed a soft kiss to each knuckle. When he finished, he pulled you forward, placing a kiss to your lips. “I don’t deserve you,” he said against your mouth.

“Sure you do,” you smiled.

“I don’t, but thank you for putting up with me anyway,” he told you sincerely, making your heart skip a beat. Instead of responding, you pressed your lips to his again.

Breaking away, he looked at you with big eyes. “Just so you know, we definitely saw Daniel Radcliffe at that market in Ilsan,” he informed you.

“Yeah, obviously you goof, I know that,” you giggled as you attempted to kiss him again, only for him to pull away once again.

“Yeah, but we’re on the same page now. We’re united in this. We saw him. It was him. Harry Potter himself.” The serious expression he sported while telling you this made you burst into a fit of laughter.

“You’re an idiot,” you laughed.

“Yeah, I am,” he smiled as he kissed you again, things heating up a bit until he pulled away, breathless.

“Would you quit pulling away and get over here and kiss me?” You groaned in frustration.

Laughing, he bit his lip. “I was just going to ask if you planned on cashing in on that threat to bite me,” he quirked an eyebrow, flirting with you.

“Well get back over here and find out,” you said pulling his face to yours again as you both laughed into the kiss. He pushed you onto your back as he positioned his body atop yours.

When Yoongi and Hoseok entered the room a few minutes later, Namjoon quickly pulled away from the kiss, making you groan in frustration before spotting the two men, cheeks flushing as you suddenly felt very bashful.

Smiling at you, Namjoon turned to look at his members. “Hey, did you guys know we saw Daniel Radcliffe at a market in Ilsan?”

Looking at the sweet man in front of you, you crumbled into a fit of giggles, hiding your face with your hand. Tugging on his shirt, you drew his attention to you. When his wide expectant eyes met yours, you bit your lip.

“Babe, thank you for that, but I really don’t give a fuck about Daniel Radcliffe right now.” You widened your eyes and gestured to the hallway where his bedroom awaited. Picking up on your hint, he scooped you off the sofa.

“We’ll tell you about Daniel Radcliffe later,” he told his members before carrying you away to his bedroom.

[themiscyra1983]

The Elephant In The Room

Let me preface all this by saying I do not have time for assholes. If you come at me with insults and contempt, I will block you.

The other day on Twitter I said the Harry Potter books aren’t good. I said this to a friend but I guess some people just keep an eye out for whatever Harry Potter shit pops up on Twitter and/or the algorithm just likes to spit in people’s eyes because hoooo boy people saw and lost their minds. I blocked two people over it because they decided to be assholes, and had a somewhat terse conversation with someone who was more politely insistent before going, finally, “I’m glad you find joy in something I no longer care for” and putting an end to the conversation.

It’s no particular secret that I’m in the fandom, and prior to J.K. Rowling going full, ‘no plausible deniability here’ transphobe, I’d bought my share of official merch. Frankly I should have stopped that sooner, but it took getting figuratively slapped in the face multiple times before I finally admitted Rowling’s ignorance carried a distinct air of willfulness and malice. Anyway I still HAVE the stuff I bought before, the Ravenclaw crap, the wands I was collecting (no more of that, I fear, though I’d hoped to pick up Tonks and Ginny’s wands at least before I brought an end to it), the Ravenclaw goblet I was gifted from a friend who bought it before JKR passed the plausibly just clueless horizon. There is still much in the world that I love, but much of that love comes now from the creations of others, and I cannot in good conscience spend money in ways that directly benefit Rowling’s financial empire.

And the Harry Potter books are not, in my view, good books. I’ve felt that for a while now. I’ll go a step further: I think they’re dangerous stories to tell children; I think I would be uncomfortable reading them to any children I might have. They are not stories that should be viewed without a critical eye. I loved them as a teenager. I’ve grown more uncomfortable with them - and, as with Twilight, far more comfortable with how critically thinking fans have transformed the work - as time has passed.

This actually has very little to do with the fact that, well...Rowling is not the best writer. Listen. I’m a Power Rangers fan. I’ve watched every incarnation of Star Trek, and every single movie. I have no problem with trashy fiction. You will find me rooting around in the garbage with the finest raccoons. But that is part of it, yes; there are flaws in the craft of it, and I don’t feel that, inherently, we needn’t judge children’s fiction by adult standards. I would argue that the very BEST children’s fiction is also excellent by adult standards. But this is the least of my concerns.

Here are my actual concerns.

Rowling wants credit for declaring Dumbledore gay after the fact, for saying Hogwarts is a safe space for all students in ways not reinforced (and in fact actively contradicted) by the text, for cheering the fan-created same-sex marriage of Dean Thomas and Seamus Finnegan, but she doesn’t want to take the creative risks that go along with that. When she had the opportunity, with the Fantastic Beasts movies, to make that subtext text, she and her cronies outright declined it. At every opportunity she has shied away from actually putting her high-minded ideas to the page. This is a cowardly choice at best.

Further, Dumbledore’s only canonical love interest (and it is not clear whether the love was requited) was a pretty fascist with whom he fell in, politically, for a time. I get it, we’ve all had crushes on terrible people. But this is literally his one and only love, requited or not, and after he defeats Grindelwald he is left to pine away for the remainder of his days. The one gay love story in the books - if you tilt your head, and squint, and accept Rowling’s word for it - is a tragic one that leaves one man in prison and another celibate and alone and, increasingly, a manipulative bastard who upholds the status quo.

There’s nothing wrong with a tragic love story. I’ve enjoyed quite a few. But when this - THIS - is what you hold up as a triumph of representation, in the absence of ANYTHING else...no. No cookies for you.

Let’s also talk about how I don’t feel Rowling wrote Dumbledore or approaches him with a critical eye. There is NO excuse for leaving a child in an abusive home. No, fuck your blood wards. You’re telling me that Albus Dumbledore - ALBUS DUMBLEDORE - could not devise protections better than leaving Harry with abusive relatives who despised him and everything he stood for? Then, too, when Dumbledore did intervene in Harry’s life, he did so with full knowledge that he was setting Harry up to be a sacrificial lamb, AND WITH THIS SPECIFIC END IN MIND. None of this is acceptable. Dumbledore is a fucking manipulative, abusive bastard who uses people and throws them away, and the fact that it WORKED OUT for Harry does not absolve him of his crimes.

Moving on, and bear in mind I’m still getting my steam up on this whole rant: Seamus Finnegan. Seamus Finnegan is the one canonically, obviously Irish character in the books, named quite stereotypically, but more importantly, in the books and movies, is shown to be interested in (a) liquor and (b) making things explode. He’s REALLY GOOD at making things explode. Do I need to explain why it’s problematic for the one Irish character to blow things up all the time? He also does this in defense of UK wizardry’s status quo, so, you know, even if you were all IRISH FREEDOM FIGHTER YEAH, I assure you he is not that guy.

There is an entire species of sapient magical creatures who exist solely to serve witches and wizards. Hogwarts is run on slave labor and most of the finest wizard families hold slaves. But it’s all right! Only one of them has ever, in the context of the books, wished to be emancipated, and everyone else views Dobby as a weirdo for wishing to be free, and paid for his labor. Dobby, incidentally, later lays down his life for the wizarding savior who tricked his master into freeing him. The only other emancipated house elf we see in the books, Winky, spends her time in a state of drunken depression, rendering her useless and scarcely capable even of caring for herself. She wished to remain enslaved, do you see, and was helpless without the benevolent guidance of her master.

There’s fan work that has tried to address this by exploring a mystically symbiotic relationship between house elves and wizards and witches, and yes, yes, J.K. Rowling is drawing on European folklore here, but let’s not give her credit, okay?

Goblins. Goblins! Goblins have a long history of being antisemitic stereotypes to begin with (hence why I have seen multiple Jews on Tumblr push back HARD on ‘goblincore’), but J.K. Rowling just...right. They’re short, ugly, have hooked noses, generally look like antisemitic cartoon figures. They are locked out of power but control all the wizarding world’s banking, and do so in very usurious ways, for example charging wizards to hold their money, etc. Now this might be an interesting commentary on how Jews have historically been oppressed and forced into fields that goyim felt themselves too ‘pure’ to work in, were it not for the fact that Rowling’s fantasy Jews LITERALLY AREN’T HUMAN, and more, ARE ACTUALLY GREEDY, CONNIVING, AND WILLING TO BETRAY YOU AGAINST THEIR OWN SELF-INTEREST FOR PERSONAL GAIN. FUCKING GOBLINS, MAN.

Then there’s the travesty of Magic in North America, which disrespected the intelligence of Native Americans (none of them figured out you could point a stick at something to make the magic go until white people showed up to help, apparently, but don’t worry, they’re really CLOSE TO NATURE and GOOD AT NATURAL MAGIC), disrespected the beliefs of specific peoples (no, skinwalkers aren’t just misunderstood shapechanging wizards and witches smeared by the greedy and ignorant, you’re whitesplaining actual mythology to the people who hold it sacred), made the ONE wizarding school in America white with an appropriated Native veneer, and generally just...Did Not Get America. As bad as the UK Wizarding World is, Rowling demonstrated complete IGNORANCE regarding the long history of what we now call North America, ignorance of even modern American culture (there’s a reason why American fans particularly tend to ignore the idea that wizardry is locked down tight behind a wall of secrecy here), ignorance and disrespect toward Native populations, and an unwillingness to do the research necessary to do this shit right.

There’s more. There’s blood purity, and gender politics, and Severus Snape’s portrayal, and all kinds of shit that grates, and I’m just tired.

Writers make mistakes. it happens. But Rowling does not recognize her mistakes. She does not seek to make amends. She just barrels on with her shitty opinions, regardless of who she hurts.

it is at the point where I am no longer even willing to thank her for graciously allowing us to play in her sandbox. We don’t need her blessing; the OTW has done far more for fanfic than she has. And it is, indeed, beginning to grate on me that people constantly try to apply Harry Potter metaphors to real life and real politics. As my friend Doc often says, find another book.

I love butterbeer (or at least the knockoffs available outside the Universal parks), I still read fanfic sometimes, I still like to play with ideas like the Harry Potter movies as performed by Muppets, with Dan Radcliffe as Snape and Tom Felton as Lucius. I’m glad the movies brought us a generation of actors, mentored by performers like Alan Rickman and Maggie Smith and so many others, who have gone on to bigger and better things. Much of my merch is packed away, but I still hold on to some of it because it has new meaning for me in light of fanwork, or because (in the case of my Ravenclaw hat and scarf) it’s warm, winters here are cold, I don’t want to buy new shit, leave me alone.

I am accustomed to seeing fans turn trash into treasure. I’ve tried to do it myself. But I feel, quite strongly, that the original text in this case is trash. it is radioactive, stinky trash. You won’t persuade me otherwise, and I’m done apologizing for it. If Rowling wants me to respect her and her work again, she’ll have to earn it, but I’m very trans and she low-key hates my kind, so even if I weren’t a random reader I wouldn’t be holding my breath.

And I really, really need to emphasize to you all that it is okay if people don’t like a given work of fiction. It is okay if people HATE that piece of fiction. You don’t need to change the minds of everyone around you. You absolutely will not succeed in doing so. Please, I’m begging you, make peace with that - and please, I’m begging you, even if you like something, try to consider it critically.

[tuaparadis]

26, 24 And 17 for the ask thingy if you’re still doing it

TUA Asks

My goal is to answer all of the asks, so I'm still doin' it, yes. This took me a while to answer, been busy. Sorry!

17. What celebrities do you think the siblings have crushes on?

1. Luther; Luther never really had contact with the outside world all that much, so I'm not sure what to say about him. I feel like he'd crush on Eliza Taylor though. Other than that? Allison. (I'm so bad at jokes I'm sorry)

2. Diego; Honestly? Chris Hemsworth. Or Zendaya, one of the two.

3. Allison; She definitely has a crush on Daniel Radcliffe. The crush developed while watching Imperium, she didn't realize he was also playing Harry Potter. Claire pointed it out when they were watching the Goblet of Fire together.

4. Klaus; Bob Morley, he loves himself a man who can take care of him. He also finds him hot, so. I feel like Klaus would get crushes on every celebrity he likes, though.

5. Five; His heart belongs to Delores and Delores only, sorry. He never really cared about all the 'celebrity crush culture', never really had the chance to explore it either.

6. Ben; He really loves Gina Rodriguez, he finds her really talented, and beautiful.

7. Vanya; Ellen DeGeneres because come on, who doesn't have a crush on Ellen? Ironically she gets nervous around Helen Cho from the orchestra. (Ellen, Helen, similar names)

24. What sort of relationship do you think each sibling has with Pogo?

Before I start analyzing this, I want to say something generally. From what we know, they all trusted Pogo, according to Luther. "We've been lied to by the only person in this house we trusted." He said something along those lines. So they were all close to Pogo in a way, but for different reasons.

1. Luther; I think Luther started trusting Pogo first. He saw how Pogo and Reginald trusted each other, and thought he could get closer to his father through Pogo. Whenever Luther caught his siblings breaking rules or doing something bad, he'd definitely snitch on them, proudly telling Pogo all about it. Pogo found it adorable, of course he would never tell Reginald about their shenanigans, even though he'd let Luther know he did.

After Luther's accident, (before his accident as well), Pogo would try to support him as much as his poor self could, he noticed how lonely he was without his siblings around, but also gave him as much space as he needed. Pogo definitely felt bad about not interfering when Reginald decided to sent him to the moon, but then again, he couldn't go against his wishes.

2. Diego; Diego trusted Pogo the least out of his siblings, but he still trusted him nonetheless. As we know, he was a lot closer to Grace than he was with anybody else back then and even now. He definitely saw Pogo as family more than he considered Reginald to be. He wasn't really the person to start a conversation with Pogo out of nowhere, but Diego knew he was there for him, and he appreciated it a lot, even though he didn't really show it.

I don't think his relationship with Pogo changed much when they grew up, since they weren't even that close to begin with. Diego did kind of push everyone away and tried to be his own person, probably to just prove a point and rub it in Reginald's face. So, not a drastic change in their bond.

3. Allison; Allison was closer to Pogo than Diego was, but she wasn't all goody-goody with him either. She trusted him, but she has definitely rumored him before more than once. It could have been for silly reasons, like getting her more dessert, to making him talk Reginald out of something she didn't want to do, whenever she couldn't rumor Reginald for whatever reason.

I think Allison stopped talking to Pogo as she got older, she didn't really feel as close to him anymore, besides she kind of wanted to forget about the academy. I'm not sure what else to write about Allison, feel free to add something else.

4. Klaus; He was probably chill with Pogo, but he had kind of a weird relationship with him. I think Pogo would escort Reginald and Klaus to the mausoleum, and would check up on Klaus after a night spent there every time. He felt really bad about the whole situation, but he couldn't do much other than sit with Klaus in his room whenever he could without Reginald knowing. It was kind of hard for Klaus to trust him at first, but he realized Pogo wasn't like Reginald, and he appreciated the little bit of help offered to him, even though it didn't make anything better.

I think they grew apart as Klaus's addiction got worse. When Klaus became an adult, he was in and out of the house, it was almost like a last resort for him to sleep in a bed or get some food. But every time he sneaked back into the house, he made a mess. As some point Pogo scolded him pretty bad, and Klaus decided not to come back to the house again.

5. Five; Five didn't get to spend much time with Pogo, since he disappeared so young, but I think he trusted him. He knew Pogo wasn't a bad person, and he was skeptical about why he should trust him at first, considering how close he was with Reginald, but he grew comfortable with him eventually.

6. Ben; Ben didn't feel awkward around Pogo, he definitely trusted him, dare I say, a bit more than his siblings, except maybe Vanya. They have a pretty big book case, and at some point Ben ran out of books to read, having gone through every single one, so Pogo would secretly get him more books from Reginald's office.

Ben confided in Pogo more as a teenager, especially after him and Vanya grew apart because of Five's disappearance. Ben's death broke something in Pogo, as it did for the rest of the academy.

7. Vanya; Since Vanya was excluded from the academy, she spent more time with Grace and Pogo. I feel like Pogo had a soft spot for Vanya, he wanted to remind her she belonged in the house, and that she was part of the family, it was the least he could do, not being able to tell her about her powers. He loved her.

Her relationship with Pogo didn't change as the years passed, but she started to doubt her place in the world more and more. She appreciated Pogo's kind words, but it wasn't enough to stop her depression. I thinks their close relationship makes Pogo's death even more sad.

26. How do you think Ben died?

I love this question so much, and I really hope I'm right. We better get an explanation in season 2.

So, we know his death was horrible, Vanya and Klaus have said so. He most likely died on a mission.

Maybe the academy was in a tight situation, and Ben was forced to let the horror out. He always had to use the horror whenever they went on missions, but his siblings knew (to an extent) how much he didn't like his powers. In the comics, everyone blames Luther for his death, so it's a possibility Luther had told him to let the monster out, being the leader and all.

Under all the stress, he loses control. The horror goes crazy and tears Ben to shreds. That doesn't really explain why Ben's ghost doesn't look injured at all, but Ben is a little different from the other ghosts from what we know.

I have a theory on how the afterlife and the ghosts in the TUA universe work, but that's for another time.

There are some theories about Ben committing suicide (possibly by overdosing on Klaus's pills), I don't really think that's what happened though. It would make more sense if the cause of his death was his power, it'd also make it more traumatizing for the rest of the academy, them having to see it happen right in front of them.

Thank you so much for sending asks!

[roonilwazlibb]

KEIYNAN LONSDALE? No, that’s actually HARRY JAMES POTTER from the GOLDEN TRIO ERA. You know, the child of LILY POTTER (NEE EVANS) and JAMES POTTER? Only 22 years old, this GRYFFINDOR alumni works as an AUROR (FOR NOW) and is sided with THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX. HE identifies as CIS MALE and is a HALF BLOOD who is known to be MERCURIAL, BULLHEADED, and PRIVATE but also EMPATHETIC, BOLD, and SELFLESS. — &&. ( LIZ, GMT+2, SHE/HER, 22. )

pinterest.

Instead of writing the longest intro possible I’m just gonna ignore Harry’s background BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW IT ALREADY !!!!!!!!!! thx

depression tw, death tw, war tw, PTSD tw

AFTER HOGWARTS.

So, the war is over ( a war that Harry has grown up fighting, mind you, the boy hasn’t had time for much else, has he now ? ) and people look to a teenager to continue being what he has been for the last seventeen years ( but what they’ve also rejected, when it suits the current tide of war ). But Harry James Potter doesn’t care much for being a beacon of hope ( of clarity, of light ), anymore. He’s not their symbol ( but at the same time, he knows that he will always be just that ).

The aftermath of the Battle of Hogwarts itself is a blur, for him. Tugged in every direction. Not so much a man, more of an object, something that his entire world feels entitled to. But he’s exhausted ( has he been able to breath properly for the last year, at all ? ). It’s too much for any seventeen year old, yet people expect him ( the boy who lived, never just Harry ), to carry it with gratitude, with a smile, with bravery. 

The days after the final battle, he feels very little, barely anything at all. All he really does is sleep.

The mark on his back is gone ( the one on his face isn’t ), but it doesn’t feel like it. Sure, he doesn’t have to fear for his life anymore, but the crowds are relentless. Suffocating him. He’s grieving, and all the masses ( the strangers, people who think that they know him because he’s famous ) want to do is hug him, shake his hand, clap him on the back. He tries to be understanding ( they’re grieving too, logically, he KNOWS that ). But by now, Harry is growing a little bit tired of being everyone’s emotional-support-boy-who-lived.

Anyways, a few weeks after the war ends, Harry falls off the map. Disappears from the grid. Could not be found, through any means. Some of his friends say that he rented a muggle car and drove through Europe. Others say that he just slept, refused to leave his house, so exhausted and depressed that he couldn’t be reached. Others are firm in their belief that he was busy hunting down the last of the Death Eaters. No one truly knows what Harry did, during those months. Only those closest to him have a vague idea.

He eventually returns, a little bit better. The weight on his shoulders lighter. Back to his former self ( though, he’s not quite sure who that was, this war has tried to consume him since boyhood ). His smile comes easier, it’s less weary. He has that Potter sparkle back in his gaze ( the one that makes his eyes look less like Lily’s, more likes James’, despite what the color might tell you ). He’s not at peace yet, but he will be ( his scar hasn’t hurt in months, that’s a start ).

Harry finds solace in his friends, that much has not changed. It was them he fought for, and it’s them that he continues to live for. The war never changed Harry’s capacity for love.

So, he’s back. People still look to him ( and they think that they know what he will do, ALWAYS always, always ). He can’t escape their eyes, their whispers, how they think that they know him. Most of the time, he hates it. But he’s also the type of guy to poke fun at it, doing his best to not take himself too seriously. Everything’s easier, that way.

Maybe he does it out of habit, or out of duty, but he does what he thinks will make the most people happy and joins the Aurors ( they had been nudging him in their direction ever since Voldemort fell, who wouldn’t want the famous Harry Potter in their ranks against the dark? ).

But Harry is just Harry, and Harry is so tired of being Harry Potter. For the first year after the war, the poor guy could barely go out for a drink without being mobbed, you know? The excitement eventually ebbed out ( thank god ) and became less exhausting, but it was still there, in smaller waves.

ANYWAYS ---- so he’s an auror. He doesn’t hate the work by any means, but he feels as though he has just gone from fighting one war, to fighting another. Which is really the last thing he needs right now? He still suffers from night terrors, about his friends dying, about Voldemort ( not so much Voldemort as other people remember him ----- in his dreams, Harry sees the Voldemort in limbo, at King’s Cross ). Eventually, those will go away too. Partly.

The Wizarding Wars have taken a lot of things away from Harry, and for that he is silently angry, a little bit, all the time. The war he fought may have ended —— but it’s still taking things from him. His agency, for one thing. Did he want to become an auror? Well, it would have been ONE possible path, but perhaps not the one he would have chosen first. Ever since the war, everyone just keep looking to him, to have him continue being the symbol of hope and greatness that he was during the last year of the war. But Harry is just Harry, you know?  Not much has changed since that evening when Hagrid came to get him, all those years ago. But people just assume to know what The Chosen One will do next, and Harry’s just sort of…. along for the ride, for the most part, when it comes to that and his public image. Right now, he is just doing what he thinks is right, for the greater good. He does what he thinks is expected of him, what he thinks will make the most people happy. He’s not thinking of himself, at least not yet. I don’t think Harry even realizes that he has grown resentful, a little bit bitter, angry. 

With that said, I really like the idea of post-war Harry as the biggest troll possible when it comes to the media. All those ridiculous rumors you read in the papers about The Boy Who Lived are often started by Harry himself !!!! It’s his way of gaining some of that agency back but also he just thinks it’s a fucking blast. 

Constant bad jokes about how 'he didn’t die for this’ and ‘did we really defeat Voldemort so that you could’.... are PRIME coping mechanisms too!!!! 

Never actually finished school but totally got away with it because he’s Harry Potter. Finally some perks, am I right.....

Overall, Harry IS concerned with being a good role model for the younger kiddos, but that year after the war? Harry was in a dark place, not fit for returning to school. Not fit for returning to anything, really.

Harry is a really good teacher and we ALL know this, so why isn’t this man teaching? It would be much better for his mental health too. Damn it.

With that said ----- I think this version of Harry will either continue down the auror route, eventually become head auror, but devote his life more to teaching the new aurors and reshape the auror department. BUT I have also always adored the idea of Harry returning to Hogwarts as a professor, taking up the position as the Defense against Dark Arts professor. We love full circles in this house !!!! I also think that would be really good for Harry, to be surrounded by kids ( who wouldn’t have really lived through the war, the boy who lived would just be a myth to them, it would be less dramatic, they’d soon forget that Harry has ever been anything other than their professor ).

Never really replaced Hedwig. These days, Harry uses various messenger birds and owls, mostly borrowing those of his friends. He did adopt a dog, though. 

I don’t think Harry will be fully at peace until more time has run its course. He has been through so much trauma, way more than any man ( much less a boy ) should ever have to experience. The scars may fade ( no, not THAT one ), but they will never quite heal, not for him. BUT he will be at peace, eventually.

TLDR: Harry is an auror, right now. He hasn’t washed off his past, but he has come to terms with it, in a way. 

PERSONALITY & OTHER FUN STUFF.

Harry Potter is compassionate, selfless, kind. Good at seeing the good. But also petty, impulsive, seething, moody. Bad at letting things go.

So incredibly brave, but shouldn’t have had to be? An eleven year old should not under any circumstances be led into the lion’s den and that’s that on that.

Has a hero complex, but it’s one that was forced upon him ( do not get me started on Albus Dumbledore, it will take up the rest of the intro ). Harry was LITERALLY just Harry, until suddenly, he wasn’t. 

The sheer dumb bitch energy of this man sometimes....... Thank god for Ron and Hermione is all I’m gonna say.......

Masks a lot of his trauma and pain with bad jokes, sarcasm and a seemingly carefree attitude. Tries his best to play down a lot of things ( his pain, his fame, his trauma, what he did during the war ). But he has a really serious streak too.

With that said, Harry does struggle with PTSD and survivor’s guilt. 

A total smart ass ( there’s no need to call me sir, professor? ). Harry has a sharp tongue aND is often much sassier than he should be, especially when challenged / when he sees something as unjust / when there’s someone that he just doesn’t like. But that sharpness can seep into his everyday life too.

Like I mentioned earlier, Harry is a total troll and will leak the most outrageous rumors that have 0% truth to them to the press. It’s all in good fun. Most of the time.

Honestly that thing Dan Radcliffe did when he wore the same shirt everyday for a month so that the pictures of him would all be un-usable is peak Harry behavior.

Harry would ultimately LIKE to forgive the remaining Death Eaters, the ones who has repented ( eg. The Malfoys ), but he is having a hard time with it. He is prone to spite and pettiness, and forgiveness ultimately doesn’t run easy in his veins. But the attempt IS there, and he doesn’t want to live with a sliver of bitterness in his heart, you feel?

The war hasn’t so much hardened him though, as it has softened him. Sure, it has made him weary, careful, closed off. But it has also made him kinder, more empathetic, more understanding, stronger in his sense of self.

Isn’t as rich as he used to be. Used a large chunk of his fortune after the war to help victims of the war to get back onto their feet. Anonymously of course. Harry has no desire to make headlines, ever again.

Refuses interviews. Most of the time. Only The Quibbler will get an ounce of truth out of Harry.

TIME CLASH.

Harry has always had a family ( a found family, his friends, family doesn’t end in blood ), but suddenly everything has been amplified, he has his parents back, his godfather, their friends. But they’re all his age, they don’t recognize him ( but he barely recognize them, either ---- if it hadn’t been for staring himself blind at their photographs, he wouldn’t know them ). It’s basically like The Erised Mirror Extreme Version, for Harry.

But there are also The Death Eaters ------- and the fear of having to go back, be the figurehead of yet another war that he has to sacrifice EVERYTHING for. Frankly, Harry has had quite enough. He doesn’t want to be their Atlas, anymore. But at the same time, his parents are back. And he doesn’t want to lose them again. AND he knows that they’d fight this war for him. Which makes him want to fight this war for them. Can you see where I’m going for this? It’s a really tumultuous time for Harry, he’s confused and just a little bit lost.

AND then there are the KIDS !!!!!! HIS KIDS !!!!!!!!! It’s a total mind fuck, Harry doesn’t feel ready to be a father, nor does he feel that the world is ready for him to have children. But his children are all grown up and from the future. He wants to protect their future, their peace. 

It’s a little bit selfish too. Harry wants that peace for himself. He wants all to be well, you know?