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positivelybeastly · 8 months

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💬 Simon, and the subject is pillow talk

"All right, Wondy, so it's like this."

They're stuck on monitor duty again. Well, 'stuck' is a strong word - Hank actually really likes monitor duty, but only if it's with Simon (mysteriously), and Simon seems to like it just because it means he doesn't have to go out, risking life and limb.

He's only recently back from the dead, after all. Hank can understand.

They're about halfway through the jumbo pack of Chinese food they've ordered, and Hank, in particular, insists on delivering his words through mouthfuls of a really rather nice beef chow mein. Go figure.

"Say you've got a girl with you. In your case, it's almost certainly a girl you've managed to charm with my assistance, so you're welcome, well in advance. Say she's really got a thing for the Uncle Elmer Sh - ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT!" Hank giggles like a fool as Simon makes to hit him with a scallion pancake.

"Say she's got a thing for . . . okay guys with lantern jaws and B tier movie star looks - that's you, Wondy, by the way. You get to holding hands, you read the signals, you put your hands where she wants you to - I find they usually really like it when you bring your hand up like this and squeeze."

It's very heterosexual, the way Hank brings a hand up to grasp at Simon's side and squeeze, thumb stroking over the muscle. Hoo, there's a lot of muscle.

"You lean in, and - oh yeah, this is probably the point where I have to clarify, she's probably gotta be all right with the eyes, or you're gonna have to do your focus thing to make that go away, 'cause chicks do not dig it when you have shades on when you're intimate. So, you make eye contact, like this."

Hank casually whips off Simon's sunglasses. The eyes don't bother him one bit. Why would they? It's never bothered Simon that Hank's blue, has it? He's never even said a word about it.

There's a crackle in the air that has absolutely nothing to do with the ions that make up Simon's form.

"You lean in, and you give them this look."

It's a very soft, warm, loving look that Hank gives Simon now. Tender. He's such a good actor, he makes it look really quite real, down to that little melancholy tinge of pining and wanting but never quite having.

"They go nuts for that. Then you have to start talking, because that's another thing, chicks do NOT dig it when you're just silent in bed, it creeps them out and they don't like it. Tell a joke, choke out a, 'huhhhh you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen,' even just a quiet little, 'god,' you know, in that way where you bite your lip and it's like you're a little stunned they're there with you? Like this."

Hank lets out a shuddering, heated little breath, his tongue darting out to very gently card over his lips, and he exhales shakily, squeezing at Simon's side again, letting out an awed little 'god.'

"The squeeze is good if you can do it in concert, that's real good. Action to the words, Wondy, action to the words. Where you go from here is kinda up to you, everyone does their own sort of thing. I like to go a little poetic, especially if the girl's particularly knock out gorgeous."

He leans in close, his nose practically buried in Simon's collarbone. They both stink of Chinese takeout. This is a weird way to do monitor duty. But Hank's voice, which is usually so mile a minute, is all kinds of soft and slow and sumptuous and warm in a way Simon never hears it. It's - kind of - distracting, honestly.

"Busy old fool, unruly sun, why dost thou thus, through windows, and through curtains call on us? Must to thy motions lovers' seasons run?Thy beams, so reverend and strong, why shouldst thou think? I could eclipse and cloud them with a wink, but that I would not lose her sight so long."

Hank hasn't blinked. Not once. Simon has. Plenty.

"If her eyes have not blinded thine, look, and tomorrow late, tell me, whether both th' Indias of spice and mine be where thou leftst them, or lie here with me. Ask for those kings whom thou saw'st yesterday, and thou shalt hear, all here in one bed lay."

This is - really detailed. Simon thinks he's learning a lot. Hank's even showing him how to reach up and gently tuck a stray hair behind his ear, just like you would for your girl. Of course. Good friend, Hank. The best.

"He's all states, and all princes, I. Nothing. Else. Is."

There's a silence between them. Hank's . . . all but draped across Simon, now, their chests pressed against one another, blue fingers cupping a Hollywood cheekbone while blazing red eyes trace the contours of a jawline that every woman this side of the Hudson loves to bits.

Hank clears his throat.

"She's, all states. Sorry. Flubbed the line."

They withdraw.

"So yeah, that's basically how you do it. Pass me the szechuan dumplings, would you, Wondy?"

Simon does, even as he thinks.

Hank never flubs a line.

"I mean, that's how I'd do it, anyway."

#defyxoblivion #verse: earth's mightiest!#monologue meme

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thatcreepydoll · 9 months

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lotf incorrect quotes coz they make me chuckle part 3

sam: Hey I got you food, pick a number between 1 and 10. maurice: Uh 4? sam: Wrong, no food for you. maurice: Wait what?! WHY?! SAM PLEASE—!

ralph: All the sudden I got a random burst of energy, and I think it's my body's last hurrah before it completely shuts down.

the Squad at Disneyland, in the teacups ralph, eric, and roger: spinning a little and talking maurice, simon, and sam: flying past them, spinning as fast as they can, screaming

jack : closes a cabinet a crash is heard behind the cabinet door eric: What was that? jack : The sound of someone else's problem.

ralph: D❌mn, the power went out. roger: Don’t worry, I got this. roger: stomps foot ralph: What-? roger: Sketchers light up

✨now for some quotes from the alpha males✨

(said by razzle dazzle) jack: Throwback to last year on the fancy one where we were all yelling "my balls" and then it broke

(said by senpai oatmeal. lowkey think she was on smth during this but i digress) sam: IM SHIRTTING CORN BISCUITS

(also said by senpai oatmeal) eric: I'M DIGESTING ELMER'S GLUE RN

(said by apple vendor) maurice: IM LITTERALLY MAKING OUT WITH A DIVORCE LAWYER RN 😭😭😭💀💀

(said by me) jack: EW NAKED WOMEN

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brw · 9 months

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A question to help distract you from your dental anxieties - do you think Simon is actually a good actor? He seems to struggle with getting consistent work and he's mentioned some rough reviews, albeit mostly in the earlier parts of his career.

My first answer tragically deleted so we're going to try again.

The general consensus amongst writers seems to be that Simon isn't a great actor. As you say, he often struggles with finding consistent projects, and a lot of the projects he is involved with seem to end up as cult classics more than financially successful projects, like that Uncle Elmer show. In more recent times, Simon seems generally more successful, but he still isn't thought of as a good actor but rather a c-tier action star, something he resents.

It seems that he's often let down by his agent, who makes all sorts of backhanded deals for the greatest profit. However, he has been depicted with some amount of talent, like when he surprised some directors with his performance of Macbeth.

His general, uh, physical disposition has also meant he's been in a fair amount of commercials.

Anyway, my personal headcanon for these inconsistencies is that Simon performs like the actors from the 40s and 50s, because that's what he grew up watching and modelling himself after. He ends up with a very strange delivery and tone because of this, which is at odds with the acting sensibilites of the 80s, 90s and so forth. He still isn't a spectacular actor and is very somewhat easily talked into starring in nonsense, but when he does find something he's genuinely passionate about that speaks to him he does a better job, but the nature of the space he occupies in Hollywood means those opportunities are fleeting.

#:333 #asks #wonder man #simon williams #positivelybeastly #the weird guy from the 50s aspect of his character hasn't been brought up in some time but it's how i always think about him #and i think it would make sense for someone who only performed in weird late 40s-50s highschool plays to be Very Odd to an 80s audience #ch: the man of wonders!

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acheronist · 1 year

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🔮…… mo and lucas / hank and kronner / nick and sergei / simon and elmer … and not that theyre swedish but the bruise bros would do this just to cause chaos in public as a bit

#drw #mccarty and shanny think its funny as fuck every time nick and sergei come back #and talk about how it played out this time

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petoskeystones · 4 months

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☕️ offseason roster moves

thank you ivan i have many thoughts on the matter... let me just copy paste my notes app here real quick.

reading cut because i had more thoughts than i thought actually

PLEASE GOD

james reimer

(i don't like them and they are bad at hockey. get them out of my city stat)

LIKELY

holl

maatta

(they are. not doing much for us. i imagine they also would want a trade because who wants to do fuck all every night? sadly we may lose them in a manner similar to klimberly)

PERHAPS

gostisbehere ( i like him. but again he does not do much. one year contract, idk if we re-sign)

copp (nothing wrong with him, but i wouldn't mind getting someone better if we can)

chiarot (i know he's team sexyman. but. we could have either a better veteran defenseman or a better younger defenseman. sorry ot benny but you're kind of mid and you led us in pim this year)

sprong (ufa after this year, idk if we re-sign. not making a particular impact but we must consider vet presence)

general notes: i think we see a shakeup of the alternates after this season; with the sharp slide we took in dylan's absence i think the team leadership is not working sadly. my thoughts are at least dp (praised in media by teammates as a leader, see postgame press) and lucas (obviously this season's standout rising star) get a's next season. keep alex and ville, bring cossa up from gr as needed until he is ready full-time and trey augustine is ready for the ahl (this may be dependent on his performance in iihf since he has gone from backup to basically tandem in a hot second, might come to gr sooner than. expected). berggy simon and possibly elmer up full-time if room is made (this is where ot benny/ghost/copp/sprong make room maybe?). jeff petry stays because he's a veteran dman + only a year left on his contract + he went to worlds this year so clearly he's not totally washed no matter what twitter says.

overall. we need to keep dylan. + the younger core (mo lucas jake joe alex lyon) intact, bring up gr players as they mature, and bring in a veteran presence that is more helpful, specifically defensemen, as well as possibly shake up the alternates. peace and love in hockeytown <3

#as always i'm not an analyst or anything this is just my opinion. but ty ivan i love yapping about hockey on main!#asks #i interpreted this as wings moves but i also have a list of leafs moves that would make the entire city of toronto want to kill me :)

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animalcrossingshowdown · 1 year

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Round 2 least popular villager results:

Reminder that the villager who got the LEAST votes moves on for least popular. Round 3 will start on Tuesday April 4th

Biggest sweeps (85% and over):

Yodel 5.6% / Winnie 94.4% (Yodel twice in a row getting the lowest percentage)

Louie 8.6% / Lobo 91.4%

Boyd 8.9% / Boris 91.1%

Al 9.3% / Alfonso 90.7%

Rizzo 12.7% / Robin 87.3%

Closest Matches (55% and under):

Filbert 45.1% / Felicity 54.9%

Tiansheng 45.2% / Tex 54.8%

Filly 45.5% / Flip 54.5%

Spork/Crackle 45.5% / Sprocket 54.5%

Tammi 46% / Tabby 54%

Nibbles 46.1% / Naomi 53.9%

June 46.2% / Judy 53.8%

Petunia 46.2% / Penelope 53.8%

Broccolo 46.3% / Broffina 53.7%

Axel 46.4% / Ava 53.6%

Chadder 47.4% / Champ 52.6%

Jacob 47.4% / Inkwell 52.6%

Alli 47.6% / Analog 52.4%

Dora 48.3% / Doc 51.7%

Plucky 48.3% / Pompom 51.7%

Klaus 49.1% / Kody 50.9%

Cyrano 49.2% / Deena 50.8%

Iggly 49.6% / Ike 50.4%

Yuka 49.7% / Zoe 50.3%

Sven 50% / Sue E 50% (Sue E technically had more votes, though it was close enough to read as 50/50)

Middle of the pack:

Limberg 15.1% / Liz 84.9%

Moose 15.1% / Monique 84.9%

Chico 15.6% / Chester 84.4%

Barold 16.3% / Beardo 83.7%

Clara 16.5% / Claudia 83.5%

Sylvia 16.6% / Sydney 83.4%

Sandy 16.8% / Savannah 83.2%

Quillson 17.2% / Queenie 82.8%

Pigleg 17.7% / Piper 82.3%

Tiara 17.8% / Timbra 82.2%

Gruff 18.1% / Groucho 81.9%

Prince 18.1% / Poncho 81.9%

Jambette 20.2% / Jay 79.8%

Paula 20.6% / Peanut 79.4%

Ricky 20.9% / Rhonda 79.1%

Rory 21.5% / Roswell 78.5%

Elise 21.7% / Egbert 78.3%

Cesar 21.9% / Cece 78.1%

Mott 22.8% / Murphy 77.2%

Rocket 23.1% / Rod 76.9%

Croque 23.4% / Cranston 76.6%

Benedict 23.6% / Becky 76.4%

Charlise 23.6% / Cheri 76.4%

Weldon 23.6% / Willow 76.4%

Hippeux 24% / Holden 76%

Emerald 24.1% / Étoile 75.9%

Twirp 25.2% / Twiggy 74.8%

Gigi 25.5% / Gloria 74.5%

Rasher 26.3% / Quinn 73.7%

Harry 26.8% / Hector 73.2%

Graham 27% / Gonzo 73%

Leigh 27% / Leonardo 73%

Cashmere 27.3% / Carrie 72.7%

Sheldon 28% / Shari 72%

Flossie 28.2% / Francine 71.8%

Peewee 28.4% / Peggy 71.6%

Astrid 28.8% / Aurora 71.2%

Annalise 29% / Antonio 71%

Midge 29.2% / Merry 70.8%

Truffles 29.3% / Toby 70.7%

Aziz 30.1% / Bangle 69.9%

Curly 30.1% / Cupcake 69.9%

Candi 30.4% / Carmen 69.6%

Vladimir 30.4% / W. Link 69.6%

Bitty 30.7% / Bill 69.3%

Derwin 30.7% / Del 69.3%

Admiral 31.4% / Agent S 68.6%

Puck 31.4% / Pudge 68.6%

Rowan 31.7% / Sally 68.3%

Anicotti 32.1% / Angus 67.9%

Huck 32.7% / Hopper 67.3%

Marcy 33.3% / Marcel 66.7%

Dozer 33.4% / Drake 66.6%

Megan 33.6% / Meow 66.4%

Diva 33.7% / Dizzy 66.3%

Kitt 33.7% / Kit 66.3%

Madam Rosa 33.8% / Lyman 66.2%

Simon 33.8% / Sly 66.2%

Wart Jr. 34% / Walt 66%

Buck 34.2% / Bud 65.8%

Boone 34.2% / Bonbon 65.8%

Masa 34.4% / Medli 65.6%

Keaton 35.1% / Katt 64.9%

Oxford 35.6% / Otis 64.4%

Ganon 36% / Gabi 64%

Rodney 36.1% / Rollo 63.9%

Stinky 36.1% / Sterling 63.9%

Rhoda 36.5% / Renée 63.5%

Chops 36.7% / Chuck 63.3%

Phil 36.8% / Pierre 63.2%

Kevin 37% / Kidd 63%

Olaf 37% / Olive 63%

Mira 37.2% / Moe 62.8%

Shinabiru 38.2% / Shoukichi 61.8%

Elvis 38.6% / Elmer 61.4%

Fruity 38.6% / Friga 61.4%

Biff 38.9% / Betty 61.1%

Pancetti 39.4% / Paolo 60.6%

Gaston 39.6% / Gen 60.4%

Patricia 39.8% / Pate 60.2%

Violet 39.9% / Vic 60.1%

Coach 40.5% / Clyde 59.5%

Valise 41% / Velma 59%

Tank 41.1% / Tarou 58.9%

Marlo 41.4% / Margie 58.6%

Maelle 41.6% / Mallary 58.4%

Frank 42.4% / Frett 57.6%

Hank 43.1% / Hambo 56.9%

Sparro 43.1% / Snooty 56.9%

Lucha 43.5% / Lulu 56.5%

Nindori 43.6% / O'Hare 56.4%

Jitters 43.8% / Jūbei 56.2%

Buzz 44.1% / Cally 55.9%

Colton 44.4% / Cole 55.6%

Faith 44.5% / Eugene 55.5%

Blaire 44.8% / Bluebear 55.2%

Benjamin 44.8% / Bessie 55.2%

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acvillagerdeathmatch · 2 years

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This is gonna be the pinned post where I list all the polls as they go up! So it's gonna change! Give me a minute if im slow to update this post because I'm BUSY. I have THINGS TO DO.

Shitty tournament diagram pls enjoy my terrible handwriting.

Active polls:

Round 2:

Shino v Bruce

Chief v Audie

Amelia v Sunny

Meow v Apollo

Pierre v Walt

Vesta v Bob

Butch v Coco

Bam v Beau

Kabuki v Lolly

Kitty v Ankha

Tangy v Purrl

Willow v Bow

Petri v Molly

Sasha v Shep

Fauna v Lopez

Sherb v Chevre

Skye v Kyle

Marshal v Cheri

Etoile v Pietro

Olivia v Marina

Agnus v Pekoe

Gayle v Roald

Goldie v Whitney

Merengue v Margie

Dotty v Judy

Muffy v Cherry

Sprinkle v Chai

Stitches v Rosie

Punchy v Diana

Cephalobot v Lily

Ketchup v Lucky

Gladys v Maple

Completed polls:

Round 1:

Nindori, Wolfgang, Marshal, Hans, Epona, Frita, Ed, Eugene, Ace

Croque, Drift, Bertha, Ankha, Eunice, Bonbon, Hopkins, Diva, Leopold

Ozzie, Analog, Anicotti, Roscoe, Stitches, Cranston, Kiki, Megan, Boris

Megumi, Pancetti, Drake, Zucker, Etoile, Ione, Gen, W. Link, Deena

Rizzo, Pecan, Leonardo, Hugh, Alice, Henry, Chai, Cyrano, Curlos

Flurry, Vivian, Genji, Fang, Kit, Wendy, Azalea, Tammy, Beau

Tasha, Pango, Sprinkle, Kidd, Egbert, Barold, Lobo, Del, Pate

Mott, Peck, Robin, Margie, Chops, Hippeux, Big Top, Flip, Annalisa

Woolio, Rodeo, Rodney, Lulu, Nate, Eloise, Bam, Beardo, Cleo

Inkwell, Paula, Sheldon, Shep, Lucha, Sandy, Jeremiah, Bill, Benedict

Mint, Elmer, Tia, Dobie, Lucy, Betty, Goose, Sasha, Muffy

Sue E, Stu, Petunia, Lyman, Bella, Gloria, Doc, Bruce, Jane

Rolf, Sylvana, Melba, Tammi, Lionel, Murphy, Frett, Samson, Coco

Cupcake, Limberg, Fruity, Dotty, Iggly, Bluebear, Louie, Annalise, Olivia

Vladimir, Rudy, Sven, Shoukichi, Liz, Purrl, Holden, Moe, Dozer

Angus, Broccolo, Blaire, Dizzy, Jay, Frobert, Norma, Lucky, Renee

Tex, Violet, Skye, Sly, Medli, Otis, Kody, Reneigh, Graham

Nosegay, Maddie, Quillson, Shari, Teddy, Sunny, Sally/Hazel, Walker, Snake

Nan, Peaches, Madam Rosa, Lily, Dora, Freya, Cole, Iggy, Bettina

Shino, Spork/Crackle, Scoot, Pompom, Flossie, Knox, Dom, Frank, Anabelle

Pashmina, Piper, Octavian, Lolly, Drago, Bree, Bessie, Alli, Benjamin

Sherb, Tutu, Rooney, Rocket, Diana, Pinky, Curly, Mitzi, Admiral

Tucker, Velma, Sterling, Nibbles, Baabara, Flash, Champ, Joey, Chief

Stella, Wade, Punchy, Poko, Ike, Pierce, Aurora, Boyd, Canberra

Puck, T-bone, Opal, Mallary, Bob, Hank, Blanche, Cyd, Axel

Ketchup, Kevin, Monique, Francine, Astrid, Bitty, Antonio, Hamphrey, Becky

Klaus, Meow, Hector, Hamlet, Belle, Filly, Clay, Emerald, Cobb

Plucky, Valise, Mathilda, Mac, Cephalobot, Ken, Carrot, Filbert, Claude

Victoria, Willow, Zoe, Ursala, Moose, Olaf, Grizzly, Gwen, Chico

Marty, Phoebe, Maelle, Keaton, Freckles, Katt, Carmen, Judy, Cece

Savannah, Poncho, Stinky, Gayle, Billy, Elise, Bangle, Bud, Avery

Truffles, Zell, Tabby, Shinabiru, Petri, Ricky, Maggie, Raddle, Flora

Prince, Tybalt, Vesta, Patricia, Chow, Nana, Chevre, Gonzo, Chadder

Oxford, Jitters, Peanut, Jacques, Felyne, Aziz, Claudia, Apple, Apollo

Miranda, Molly, Tom, Marcel, Clara, Harry, Bones, Maple, Cesar

Quetzal, Whitney, Winnie, Joe, Ganon, Patty, Bea, Mira, Groucho

Ribbot, Sparro, Ruby, Midge, Biff, Marina, Anchovy, Papi, Camofrog

Quinn, Pierre, Spike, Merry, Gladys, June, Gruff, Olive, Carmen

Paolo, Lulu, Vic, Juubei, Lopez, Gala, Deidre, Elvis, Gabi

Sprocket, Static, Marcie, Marlo, Goldie, Julian, Felicity, Huggy, Ellie

Rowan, Viche, Twiggy, Greta, Puddles, Penny, Cally/Sally, Bow, Chuck

Penelope, Slyvia, Pekoe, Peewee, Fuschia, Leigh, Jambette, Masa, Boots

Simon, Weldon, Queenie, Kitty, Curt, Amelia, Agent S, Pigleg, Alfonso

Rocco, Toby, Tiansheng, Rhoda, Hambo, Naomi, Bunnie, Hazel, Audie

Rollo, Yodel, Kyle, Tipper, Flo, Kabuki, Candi, Colton, Broffina

Tiffany, Weber, Gaston, Chelsea, Elina, Bubbles, Boone, Buzz, Agnes

Peggy, O'Hare, Yuka, Monty, Chester, Cookie, Celia, Koharu, Butch

Sydney, Rory, Wart Jr., Pudge, Kid Cat, Merengue, Fauna, Pippy, Cube

Rex, Timbra, Tank, Rasher, Cheri, Faith, Ava, Huck, Chabwick

Poppy, Roswell, Pietro, Phil, Hopper, Kitt, Clyde, Erik, Boomer

Twirp, Rod, Rosie, Rhonda, Rio, Portia, Julia, Coach, Cousteau

Tangy, Tarou, Tad, Hornsby, Daisy, Deli, Buck, Chrissy, Al

Rilla, Snooty, Marcy, Cherry, Biskit, Carrie, Bianca, Caroline/Bliss, Aisle

Soleil, Tiara, Roald, Jakey/Jacob, Friga, Gigi, Charlise, Derwin, Cashmere

Raymond, Walt

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handeaux · 1 year

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Poppycock And Bunkum: Here Are 19 Myths That Cincinnati Refuses To Give Up

Cincinnati loves a good story, and we certainly have some doozies. Some of our favorite stories about our favorite town are actually true. Some of our dearest and most treasured stories, however, persist despite a complete lack of evidence and not an iota of proof. Among them:

Cincinnati is located upon seven hills. To be geologically technical, Cincinnati has no hills at all, only valleys. The central basin in which our downtown is located is surrounded by what geologists call an eroded peneplain. In other words, our town occupies a glacially scoured, level plain into which streams have cut a network of valleys. What we count as “hills” are just tongues of this surrounding plain extending into the central valley – and once we start counting those, there’s no stopping. One recent survey has identified at least 80 named Cincinnati “hills.”

A woman named Ida Martin, who lived in a hollow sycamore tree and did laundry for the soldiers at Fort Washington, gave her name to Mount Ida, later renamed Mount Adams. It is authentically reported, by an eyewitness, that a woman who did laundry for the soldiers at Fort Washington lived in a hollow sycamore tree on the slopes of what later became Mount Adams. However, that source does not give her name. There was a domestic servant named Ida Martin who lived on what later became Mount Adams, but this was long after Fort Washington had been demolished, this woman was not a laundress and she lived in a cabin, not a hollow tree. Mount Adams was previously known as Mount Ida, but that nickname was a reference to classical mythology, not to any woman who lived in the area. Somewhere along the line, these three separate facts got conflated into a treasured Cincinnati fable.

Arnold’s Bar opened on Eighth Street in 1861 and three generations of Simon Arnold’s family lived upstairs for 98 years (brewing gin in a bathtub). According to the Cincinnati City Directory, Simon Arnold indeed occupied part of a building on the north side of Eighth Street, just east of Main in 1861. However, he was not running a saloon. He was building billiard tables, because he was a carpenter until 1877. From 1856 to 1877, there was a saloon on the north side of Eighth Street, just east of Main, but it was run by George and Wilhelmina Weber, not anyone named Arnold. The Arnold family did not take over that saloon until 1877, when Wilhelmina Weber retired. From 1922 until 1933, no bar, saloon, speakeasy or restaurant operated out of that address at all. No one from the Arnold family lived in that building from 1926 until 1933. The story of Arnold’s founding date and continuous occupancy appears to have been embellished by Elmer Arnold in 1959 when he sold the venerable establishment to Ernst Wiedemann.

Carrie Nation, on a visit to Cincinnati, declined to smash any of the notorious Vine Street saloons, claiming, “I would have dropped from exhaustion before I had gone a single block.” Carrie Nation did, in fact, visit the Queen City at least twice. During her visits, she did not demolish a single saloon. She also gave numerous interviews while she was in town. In none of those interviews did she claim exhaustion prevented her from attacking Cincinnati saloons. Rather, she pointedly explained that she arrived here under a court-imposed performance bond she would forfeit if she demolished anything. The famous quote does not appear in print until 20 years after her Cincinnati visits.

Mark Twain said, “When the end of the world comes, I want to be in Cincinnati because it's always 10 years behind the times.” Everyone quotes Mr. Samuel Clemens and his eschatological analysis of the Queen City, but no one has ever provided a decent citation for it. The quote appears in none of his voluminous writings. To confuse matters, multiple scholars have found similar quotes attributed to quite a few famous folks about quite a few other cities. To further confuse matters, the quote sometimes appears as one sentence and sometimes as two sentences and the lag, while usually 10 years, is sometimes 20 years. In brief, if Mark Twain ever uttered such a comment, no one appears to have recorded it.

The Cincinnati subway failed because of poor design and cost overruns. In his exhaustive review of “Cincinnati’s Incomplete Subway” (2010), Jacob R. Mecklenborg notes that, despite the usual financial shenanigans of the Boss Cox political machine, Cincinnati’s Rapid Transit Loop project (which we know as the subway) was actually pretty well thought-out and potentially quite viable. Mecklenborg concludes that the newly elected Progressive city administration of 1925 could have saved the project but declined to do so to avoid giving the remaining Cox minions a victory. Most of the alleged shortcomings of the subway were actually unfounded Progressive propaganda from the 1920s.

Charles Manson attended Walnut Hills High School and/or used to hang out in Mount Adams. After his arrest and conviction in California, Cincinnatians suddenly began remembering Charles Manson’s early days in Cincinnati. Or, shall we say, misremembering? All the documentation – and Manson’s life has been inspected to the subatomic level – affirm that young Charles was shipped out of Cincinnati by age five, never to return. While it’s not impossible that he drifted through town from time to time, his high school years were spent in various reform schools. The period in which he allegedly hung out, swilling tequila in Mount Adams, find him involved in West Coast scams or serving time in California prisons. We can’t deny he was born here, but there’s no evidence Manson returned after an unhappy infancy.

Cincinnati Chili gets its distinctive flavor from chocolate. A great many Cincinnatians inaccurately yet vehemently insist that the secret ingredient to Cincinnati Chili is chocolate. Most “authentic” Cincinnati Chili recipes in print or online make this claim. The myth may be traced to Marion Rombauer Becker, who took over compiling the “Joy of Cooking” on the death of her mother, Irma Rombauer. Marion’s “Cincinnati Chili Cockaigne” recipe (the “Cockaigne” label signaled that the Rombauers served that dish at their home in Cincinnati) was the first to claim a dubious role for chocolate. As Cincinnati Chili maven Dann Woellert has repeatedly noted, the families who actually cooked and served our favorite dish deny there’s any chocolate involved.

Thomas Edison read every book in the old Ohio Mechanics Institute library. Young Tommy Edison spent a fruitful year in Cincinnati as a telegraph operator and he even did some tech support for the early Procter & Gamble. For a young inventor, the most useful resource in Cincinnati would have been the library of the Ohio Mechanics Institute, with 10,000 volumes on science and technology. However, to read every book, Edison would have had to consume 27 volumes a day and master a dozen languages. Edison sent an autographed photo to the Institute in later years, thanking them for allowing him to use the library and maybe that’s where the rumor started.

The first bathtub in the United States was installed in Cincinnati A satirical essay by H. L. Mencken, titled "A Neglected Anniversary," was published 28 December 1917, in the New York Evening Mail. Mencken claimed that the first bathtub in the United States was installed in a Cincinnati home by one Adam Thompson in 1842. Although this was totally “fake news,” it was repeated as truth many times over the next century and still pops up as “fact” online today.

Superman is buried in Spring Grove Cemetery The earthly remains of George Reeves, the actor who played Superman on television during the 1950s, were held in a vault at Spring Grove Cemetery for a couple of months in 1959 while his mother sorted out a permanent resting place. Although she wanted a mausoleum in Cincinnati, it proved impracticable. Reeves’ body was eventually cremated here and the ashes shipped to California, where they remain today.

UC’s Crosley Tower entombed an unfortunate worker during construction. Crosley Tower at the University of Cincinnati is a monument to brutalist architecture and is now scheduled for demolition. It was originally poured in 1969 as a single piece of concrete. Rumor has it that a workman fell in as the slurry was being pumped, and because the pour could not be interrupted without extravagant cost, he remains entombed there. Construction of this building was heavily documented and no one fell in. Rumors that workers dropped a Volkswagen into the mix while pouring are also false.

There’s a village of evil midgets out by Mount Rumpke. Although the rumor was disproved years before the alleged “Munchkinville” was demolished, there are still people who swear a “Tiny Town” of malicious little people exists out in Colerain Township. All the rumors trace back to the Handle Bar Ranch, originally a bicycle rental station later devoted to horse-drawn hayrides, owned by the late Percy and Anna Ritter. Mr. Ritter’s idiosyncratic architecture and Mrs. Ritter’s unusual décor inspired generations of high school students to mount midnight forays looking for munchkins. The alleged Tiny Town has been consumed by the expansion of the Rumpke waste disposal operation.

There is an exploded crematorium once used for Satanic rituals in Miami Heights. There is most definitely something out in the woods near Buffalo Ridge Road in Miami Heights, but it has nothing to do with Satan. After Cincinnati’s “fireproof” Chamber of Commerce building burned in 1911, the massive granite masonry was acquired by the Cincinnati Astronomical Society who hoped to build a world-class observatory overlooking Miamitown. Costs rose astronomically (ahem!) and then the Great Depression landed so the observatory got not much further than a foundation, a few walls and piles of randomly delivered used granite. It looked like a building had exploded out in the woods, hence the rumors. Some of the stones were salvaged to build a Stonehenge-like monument to architect H.H. Richardson in Burnet Woods. The rest have been swallowed by a county park.

Hordes of fanatics draped in “resurrection robes” climbed Cincinnati’s Brighton Hill, awaiting the end of the world in 1843 or 1844. Cincinnati was, indeed, a hotbed of Millerism in 1843. The Millerites, followers of New York preacher William Miller, did believe the world would end in 1843 or 1844. There are newspaper accounts of Millerites quitting their jobs and giving away all of their possessions and being very disappointed when the world did not end according to William Miller’s calculations. However, the scene of white-clad cultists perched on any of the local hills appears to be only rumor.

A Cincinnati doctor used to prescribe ketchup as medicine. While not entirely true, this legend is not entirely false, either. During the 1830s, a self-licensed Cincinnati “doctor” named Archibald Miles marketed a concoction he called “Miles’ Compound Extract of Tomato, the Genuine Tomato Pill,” derived from the fruit of tomatoes. This was back in the day when people were surprised to learn that the tomato, although a member of the deadly nightshade family, was not, in fact, poisonous. If it wouldn’t kill you, folks reasoned, it must make you stronger and so they attributed all sorts of medicinal properties to tomatoes. Miles sold so many pills he had to recruit a national sales team to handle the volume. But he sold tomato extract in pill form, not ketchup.

A mysterious European prince once offered to finance Cincinnati’s transformation into the gambling capital of the world but was turned down by City Council. In 1883, the Cincinnati Enquirer reported on the arrival in town of Prince Juan Pablo Trampantogo who, having deposited $90 million in earnest money in a local bank, announced plans to personally finance the transformation of the city while building “the largest, finest, and most complete gambling establishment in the world, to which the crowned heads of Europe and the entire sporting world shall throng with perfect freedom.” Although it was a total hoax, published on April Fool’s Day, the Prince Trampantogo story was repeated by local sources with complete credulity in 1943, 1950, 1974 and 1980.

Theda Bara once owned a Spanish-style villa on Victory Parkway Thanks to the dogged research of Ann Senefeld, who publishes the excellent “Digging Cincinnati” blog, we know this is simply not true. Ann tracked ownership of the alleged Theda Bara property from Mary Droesch, who built the villa in 1923 through Raymond and Lorene Frankel (1933-1942), Coleman Harris (1942-1949), Lillie Goldsmith (1949-1953) Lillian and John Lutz (1953-1956), Ida and Clifford Schaten (1956-1968) and Joseph Link Jr. (1968-1979) to Xavier University. At no point was it owned by Theda Bara or her family and there is no record she ever rented the property. It has been demolished.

The City of Cincinnati demolished a neighborhood called Kenyon-Barr. No one, other than the staff of the city planning office, ever referred to a section of the West End as “Kenyon-Barr.” Kenyon and Barr were two streets that intersected at ground zero for a Cincinnati urban renewal project. The designation “Kenyon-Barr” does not appear in print until 1952, when it served to identify a portion of the West End slated for demolition. Once the area was leveled, the city discovered that no one wanted to build anything in an area they had named Kenyon-Barr, so they hired a marketing expert who suggested renaming it Queensgate.

#carrie nation #mark twain #arnold's bar #midget town #theda bara #prince trampantogo

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husshow · 1 year

Text

Awh poor Elmer, Simon defending his big Swede buddy

#glad he wasn’t seriously hurt #it look bad when he went down #simon guard dog moment!!#wings lb

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positivelybeastly · 3 months

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🎥 filming or making a sexy movie - NSFWS prompt for Hank/Simon!

"All right, so - run this by us again, Simon? Just so we're all sure we're understanding what you're asking for? Because it sounds a little kooky."

Simon Williams had faced down Count Nefaria in single combat. Simon Williams knew what it felt like to taste death's embrace. Simon Williams knew what it felt like to feel your body change into something wholly unrecognisable, for every cell to be scrubbed and changed and ionised.

Simon Williams had thought he had known fear.

But as it turned out, all of that was nothing compared to the way Janet and Wanda were looking at him, as dubious as could be, as he explained, for the second time (and the first time had been agonising enough), what exactly he needed help with.

"It's an audition tape - I need help, with an audition tape, for this role, and if I get it, it means I get to work with a really prestigious French director! It's just that, the scene they've sent over is a little risqué, and I don't really feel comfortable doing it with anyone but you two. It isn't a sex thing! I swear, on all that's holy, that this isn't a sex thing. I really do just - need help with an audition tape."

The instant he heard Hank's voice, he knew he'd made a mistake having this conversation somewhere as public as the Mansion, even if he had gone to the effort of closing the door to the meeting room and signalling that a briefing was in progress.

"Oooh, audition tape, Wondy? What's this one for? Uncle Elmer get a spin-off show? You gonna get hit in the face with a crepe this time?"

Chuckling at his own joke, Hank bounded up onto the light fixture and promptly slid down so that he was hanging by two toes, crossing his arms and looking between Wanda and Janet in the hopes of a laugh, but they both looked too confused to give him one, so he just looked at Simon instead.

"What? Wrong pastry item? Pancake, flapjack, waffle, what? What?"

"Allegedly the scene they want for it is a little risqué, Hank."

Hank gave him a lascivious smile and Simon dug his palm into his glasses with a groan.

"Aw-riiiight, Wondy, I see you've finally been learning a few lessons from ol' Hankster's Big Book of Babes! I thought it'd take you a while to really internalise lesson 32: come up with bizarre but just feasible enough scenarios that justify some alooooone time, but you got it down pat, nice."

The look that Wanda and Janet gave him could have cut even his indestructible form to shreds, and he was very, very tempted to reach his hands up and wrap them around that fuzzy blue neck until that big dumb smile stopped.

". . . If that is what this is, Wonder Man, then you may count me out."

"Yeah, no, sorry, Simon, but I'm not that kind of a floozy, and honestly, shame on you for even trying a crummy line on us like that. We're meant to be your friends, and you're gonna creep on us? Gross."

"No! No, wait, that's not what - !"

Even with his vaunted superhuman agility, Simon reached the door to the briefing room a fraction of a second too late, and he turned around with a look of blazing ionic fury (again, just a fraction of a second too late to catch a certain look on Hank's face) to see his alleged best friend picking up the mail he'd received from his agent and going through it as casually as you please.

"Beast. You have five seconds to get running."

"Who needs five seconds? Wondy, you should be thanking me."

He had to admit, it wasn't the tack he'd expected from Hank, to just be brazen about it, but -

"Did you actually read this letter, or didja just skim it?"

Hank was holding it up with an amused, smug little grin on his face - the one Simon hated, that screamed, 'I know something yoooou don't,' that usually got the little blue miscreant belted clear across the city by whatever threat they were facing that day.

"Of course I - read the letter, what are you - ?"

"Wondy, the cast list for the scene they've sent you is for two guys named Jean and Philippe."

Simon shut up. Hank took that as an invitation and cleared his throat.

"'Ours is a love that dares not speak its name, Jean - the love between a man and his best friend, another man, it is not meant for the world, but only for u - '"

"All right, Hank, I think I get it."

"Do ya? I could keep going. It's a lil' trite, this dialogue, but - "

"Yeah, you can drop it. You can drop it."

Simon rubbed at the bridge of his nose in frustration, feeling very much the fool and wondering just how he could have been so colossal of an idiot that he'd managed to completely bungle what he thought was a prime gig AND pissed off both Wanda and Janet.

Would they even believe the explanation? Probably not. He collapsed into his chair, the red W on the back turning away from Hank as he tried not to feel too sorry for himself, only to immediately feel too sorry for himself.

"It's not the end of the world, yanno, Wondy." Hank was ridiculously light on his feet for someone so big, and it was only because Simon was so used to the sound that he could pick up on the soft little pads of him scooching by on the table. Simon still refused to look up.

"You can still do the tape."

All right, that got him to look up, raw annoyance bursting from him, the ionic spillover from his eyes painting a red smear of light into the air as he rounded on his - again, alleged - best friend.

"What in the world do you mean, I can still do the tape? I'm not gay, Hank."

There was a puckish grin on Hank's face as he looked at Simon, upside down, handstanding on the table, his free hand still clutching the letter.

"So? You weren't a spec ops Navy otter or whatever it was on your last gig - "

"Navy SEAL, Hank, I was Navy SEAL #2 - "

"And you weren't actually Mr. Muscles, either! Acting's all about assuming a role, right, becoming someone you're not? So why's this gotta be the big dividing line? You aren't homophobic, are you, Wondy?"

"Of course I'm not homophobic!"

"Then what's the big deal? You're not gonna get very far in show biz if you aren't willing to expand your repertoire, Wondy. It's all very well if they want you to play Spaceman Spiff, Avengering will give you that on a plate, but what if they want you to play - whatzit, that movie with Colin Firth, the gay one?"

"The what one?"

"The gay Colin Firth movie! Come on, you didn't see it? It got him nominated for the Academy Award for Best Actor!"

Suddenly, Simon thought that maybe he could be gay.

ON CAMERA.

On camera, he could be gay.

"A Single Man, that was it. So, how's about it? I'll play Phillipe, you can play Jean, we'll grab other Hank's camcorder and we'll get you an audition tape by tomorrow afternoon."

"Wait, you'll - ?"

Hank arched an eyebrow at him.

"Where else are you gonna find a thespian around here, Wondy? I don't do it so much anymore, but when I first joined the team, I was all about disguises, impressions, all that good stuff. I've already memorised my lines, so here ya go!"

He planted the script pages directly on to Simon's face and flipped off the table onto his feet with a light footed bounce, humming merrily as he left the briefing room. The pages of the script peeled away from the actor's face, plopping into his lap, and Simon watched him go with a throat that wasn't just dry because it was ionic.

Right.

Okay.

Acting out a gay . . . scene, with Hank.

This would be fine, right?

***

"Wondy, what is with you?"

"What do you mean, what's with me?! What's with you?! You're crawling all over me like I'm Whirlwind coming up the Avengers lawn!"

"That's what the script directions says Phillipe does, man!"

"I know!"

"If you know, then why are you being so weird about it?!"

Simon hissed and moved away, pulling the covers up self-consciously around him while Hank got the hint and rolled off the bed with a sigh, rubbing at his temple.

"You didn't mention that it was a gay sex scene, Hank."

"Wondy, I said it was a gay scene, what did you think was gonna be gay about it? Did you think the set directions called for all the furniture to be pink and I'd be wearing lipstick, like, what?"

Hank grabbed the script directions and idly flipped through them again as Simon spluttered.

"And anyway, it's not even really a sex scene, there's not even full penetration - the director you really want to impress is French, but he's not that French. If you want that kind of French, you want to be looking at, like, Jean-Jacques Annaud or Pascale Ferran, I guess."

Simon was going insane. He was absolutely certain he was going insane.

"Why. Do you know. French erotic film directors by name?"

Hank blinked at him.

"Wondy, I'm a man of culture. I will watch Dr. David Bowman get pulled through a kooky intergalactic phenomena just as easily as I'll watch Lady Chatterley get the dick she's owed, because that's what it means to be an open minded, liberal patron of the arts."

Simon screamed. Hank jumped.

"Jeez Louiiiiise, Wondy, pipe down! Next thing you know there'll be - "

A knock at the door. Simon moved to get out of the bed and stop him, but Hank had already swung the door wide open, grinning like a loon at -

"Shellhead! Wassup?"

". . . Beast? Why was someone screaming in your - "

"Wondy and I are filming a gay sex scene audition tape and he's being a wuss about it."

Hank hadn't even finished his sentence before Iron Man upped, turned around and walked away, grumbling in electronically modulated monotone about the two men being the biggest pair of idiots he'd ever known. Simon would have dug his thumbs into his eyes if he didn't know it would do less than nothing, so instead he settled for glaring ionic daggers at Hank as he closed the door and sauntered back over to his desk to sit down, plucking a bag of malted chocolate candy out of a drawer.

"Why are you being like this?"

Hank gave him a perplexed look as he leaned back on his chair, one foot keeping him dangling precariously while he juggled chocolates and occasionally threw one into his mouth before adding another one back into the rotation.

"Being like - snrff - what, Wondy? Being flip? Is that what - grphm - offends you so much? Lighten up! It's just acting, man! It isn't real, it doesn't mean anything, you're just putting yourself into a certain mindset and letting it all play out from there. It doesn't say anything about who you are or what you're really like, it's just a performance."

A silence descended over the two of them, and Hank eventually realised he'd said something wrong, guzzling down the last of the chocolates he'd been juggling and moving over to where Simon was sitting, tense and annoyed and just a little bit upset.

". . . I said something wrong, didn't I?"

Silence.

". . . All right, let's see. You don't like that I'm not taking this all that seriously, you give me the silent treatment when I say that it doesn't mean anything, and you keep getting weird every time that I touch you on the chest, even though you know it's coming."

"Hank."

"You tense up every time I call you by your character's name, even though you have absolutely no problem calling me by mine; the first try we did of this, you grabbed me a little too hard and when I made a noise, you freaked out."

"Hank, shut up."

"But you don't want us to actually stop, and every time I tell you that I'm fine with you doing this with someone else if that's the problem, you act like - oh."

A very different silence fell upon them now. Hank stared at him very closely now, and even though the camera was still on, still blaring that little red light indicating that it was recording, that wasn't what was making Simon shy.

". . . Hey, look. I'm sorry. Okay? I'm sorry, Simon."

The silence continued, and the fuzzy blue clown squirmed in it, realising only now just what he'd done.

"Acting . . . doesn't mean the same thing it does to you as it does to me, does it. For me, it's just - pantomime, a role and a character and you just step right in. A change of clothes. But you, actually, want it to be about some kind of truth, don't you? You want there to be a - realism, to it, yeah? You don't just want the lines to come up from the diaphragm, you want them to come up from the heart, too."

He brought a hand up to rest gently on Simon's arm, rubbing softly as the man stared resolutely into the sheets of Hank's bed. They stayed like that for what felt like hours, just quiet, barely moving.

What was it? Maybe just an intrusive thought? Maybe it was courage? Maybe it was truth breaking out of the surface? Maybe. Hank would swear it was just - dramatic inspiration.

"Ours is a love that dares not speak its name, Jean - the love between a man and his best friend, another man, it is not meant for the world, but only for us. In this moment, it is for us."

Maybe it was just the weirdness of hearing Hank talk like that, without that look on his face this time. Maybe it was an actor's desire to just get the scene over and done with. Maybe Hank just nailed the line this time through. But regardless of what it was, Simon found himself looking back at his best friend.

"'We can have this?'"

The softest of touches at his face, feather light and warm, and Hank was smiling at him. "'We can have this, Jean. Believe me when I say that we can have this. We can go back to acting that it isn't the case when we leave this room.'"

The dialogue was corny as all hell. Sure, maybe the director was top notch, but whoever the writer was, they definitely weren't. They knocked this together over an afternoon, puffing cigarettes and wanting to be done as soon as possible, Simon was sure of it.

"'And if, when we leave this room, I do not wish for us to go back to acting? What then? If, in a moment when I catch you smiling, I am consumed with the need for you, what then? If, in a moment when you look at me and you complete me, I am consumed with the want of you, what then? If, in a moment, and it will be every moment, I am desolate without you?'"

Hank swallowed thickly. He - wasn't quite used to take things seriously.

"'Then the moments will come, and they will go. If they must.'"

He certainly wasn't used to seeing Simon's eyes like this, without that familiar red crackle, just - soft, and warm. He always thought of Simon as being so much older than him just because of the way he talked, the way he was, the way he looked at a '50s Caddy whenever they passed one on the street, but he really wasn't.

"'That is not good enough. Not for me, and certainly not for you. We deserve this. We deserve every moment. We deserve one another. We deserve every waking hour to be spent in truth, not in deceit.'"

God, this dialogue.

"'Jean. You know what the truth of us is. It's in this. It's in our touch, it's in our way of being. We don't need the world to know. And if you wish to speak of truth, then know my truth, which is that I - I need you. I need you now. And I am quite sick of talking about what will come next when we could be dealing with now. When we could be enjoying now.'"

Whether the heat and the hunger and the desperate, sloppy, immediate way that Simon grasped Hank's jaw was in the script was a matter for another time, but neither man was particularly interested in the script of an overblown erotica at that moment in time.

They had touched before, of course. They had palled around, thrown their arms around one another, being thrown into one another, Hank had clambered onto Simon's back like a monkey climbing a tree - and didn't that behaviour have an all new shine to it now - but even though they had long since become aware of the odd equilibrium that their bodies reached when they came together, they had never quite known it like this.

Simon was cold - the inevitable end result of being, in his way, alive and dead, a being of pure ionic energy, a maelstrom of essential particles that somehow coalesced into a thirty something year old man with a screwed up family history and a brain full of memories that were years out of date. How could he not be cold?

Hank was warm - the inevitable end result of being, in his way, human and inhuman, an expression of unbridled genetic mutation, a surging forward of DNA that somehow coalesced into a twenty something furry blue beast with a constant smile and more jokes than sense, even despite his prodigious brain. How could he not be warm?

And now, as they touched each other, they reached that perfect equilibrium, Simon feeling a warmth that only a thoroughly human beast could bring while Hank was soothed by a cool that only an ionic wonder man could provide. Their lips met, Hank bringing a muscular, fuzzy arm up to wrap possessively around Simon's neck, his hand resting on the small of his back and stroking as he nipped and bit and teased at the other man's lips, curious to see if he could invite him into snapping back.

"Hank, stop that, it's like you're trying to eat me - "

"Uh-uh-uh, I thought I was meant to be Phillipe, and this is exactly what the script directions say Phillipe does."

They did not, for the record.

But Simon just . . . didn’t have it in him to correct him. Or maybe he conveniently forgot. Or maybe there was a part of him that finally didn’t feel anxious, or worried, or out of place, or alone. Maybe there was a part of him that felt . . .

Like it wanted to bite Hank back.

“Mnph! Y-You vicious brute~!” There was a salacious delight to Hank’s voice now, a humour tinged with undeniably aroused awe, and Simon found it in him to smirk - he wasn’t a man who smirked, not remotely, not once, not ever, but right now, he couldn’t not - as he held Hank in his arms.

“Oh, you think that was me being a brute? C’mere - “

*~*

It was hours later, when Simon found himself awake and with a limpet of a beast clinging to him, when the camcorder ran out of space on the memory card. It beeped in annoyance, startling the wonder man, and it was as he looked nervously back over to the gadget that he realised it had captured . . . well.

All of it.

Yeah, that had been . . . all of it, all right . . .

Had this been a mistake? He didn’t think so. It didn’t feel like a mistake. He looked down at a remarkably young looking Hank McCoy, nestled against his bosom, at a Hank who wasn’t switched on, who was just . . . still, and quiet, and calm, and he knew that nothing about this was a mistake. Not really.

He wasn’t going to send that tape in. No way, not a chance in hell.

Sure, Hank would probably joke that it was one hell of an audition, maybe even purr that Simon had given an Oscar worthy performance, but . . . no. This was a moment for them, and them alone.

. . . Although . . .

Simon didn’t think he’d mind keeping the video. For himself.

For purely sentimental reasons, of course.

#themckaytriarchy #verse: earth's mightiest!#I forget what meme this is but fuck it I'm taking this prompt on as directly as I can because I was struck with VISION.

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heavenlyhoundoom · 7 months

Text

The next cuphead generation.

1.Milkshake Porcelain

Gender: Female

Species: Cup person.

Color: Purple.

Eye color: Yellow.

Date of birth: 4/17/1950

Birthplace: Inkwell. (Isle four)

Mom: Charolette Web.

Dad: Cuphead Porcelain.

Sibling: Velvet Web.(little sister)

2.Velvet Web.

Gender: Female.

Species: Spider.

Fur color: White.

Hair color: Red.

Date of birth: 6/3/1952

Birthplace: Inkwell. (Isle four)

Mom: Charolette Web.

Dad: Cuphead Porcelain.

Sibling: Milkshake Porcelain.(Big sister)

3.Landon McDrake

Gender: Male.

Species: Dragon.

Scale color: Gray and Black.

Eye color: Brown.

Date of birth: 7/21/1953

Birthplace: Inkwell.(Isle three)

Mom: Julia McDrake.

Dad: Simon Lightbug.

Sibling: Blaze Lightbug.(Little brother)

4.Blaze Lightbug

Gender: Male.

Species: Firefly.

Fur color: Red.

Hair color: Light orange.

Eye color: Green.

Date of birth: 10/4/1955

Birthplace: Inkwell. (Isle three)

Mom: Julia McDrake.

Dad: Simon Lightbug.

Sibling: Landon McDrake.(Big brother)

5.Bella Saluki

Gender: Female.

Species: Cat/Dog hybrid.

Fur color: White.

Eye color: Black.

Date of birth: 3/12/1950

Birthplace: Inkwell. (Isle four)

Mom: Helen Saluki.

Dad: Casper Feline.

Siblings: Cupcake Feline(little sister) and Ace Saluki(little brother).

6.Cupcake Feline.

Gender: Female.

Species: Cat.

Fur color: Calico.

Eye color: Light blue.

Date of birth: 6/1/1952

Birthplace: Inkwell. (Isle four)

Mom: Helen Saluki.

Dad: Casper Feline.

Siblings: Bella Saluki(big sister) and Ace Saluki(little brother).

7.Ace Saluki

Gender: Male.

Species: Dog.

Fur color: Tan.

Eye color: Heterochromia(black left eye and light blue right eye).

Date of birth: 9/7/1955

Birthplace: Inkwell. (Isle four)

Mom: Helen Saluki.

Dad: Casper Feline.

Siblings: Bella Saluki(first big sister) and Cupcake Feline(second big sister).

8.Steven Buzzman

Gender: Male.

Species: House fly.

Color: White.

Eye color: Black.

Date of birth: 5/4/1958

Birthplace: Oakville, Canada.

Mom: Brie Buzzman.

Dad: Milo Hoof.

Siblings: Elmer Hoof(little brother) and Hazel Cheddar(little sister).

9.Elmer Hoof

Gender: Male.

Species: Goat.

Fur color: Green.

Eye color: Pink.

Date of birth: 8/21/1960

Birthplace: Oakville, Canada.

Mom: Brie Buzzman.

Dad: Milo Hoof.

Siblings: Steven Buzzman(big brother) and Hazel Cheddar(little sister).

10.Hazel Cheddar

Gender: Female.

Species: Mouse.

Eye color: Purple.

Date of birth: 10/16/1962

Birthplace: Oakville, Canada.

Mom: Brie Buzzman.

Dad: Milo Hoof.

Siblings: Steven Buzzman(first big brother) and Elmer Hoof(second big brother).

11.Rascal Coon

Gender: Male.

Species: Raccoon.

Eye color: Brown and Black.

Eye color: Black.

Date of birth: 2/27/1951

Birthplace: Seattle, Washington.

Mom: Irene Coon.

Dad: Mugman Porcelain.

Sibling: Bailey Porcelain(little sister).

12.Bailey Porcelain

Gender: Female.

Species: Mugman person.

Color: Blue.

Eye color: Purple.

Date of birth: 8/5/1954

Birthplace: Seattle, Washington.

Mom: Irene Coon.

Dad: Mugman Porcelain.

Sibling: Rascal Coon(big brother).

13.Muriel Ursa.

Gender: Female.

Species: Bear.

Fur color: Black.

Eye color: Yellow.

Date of birth: 6/9/1952

Birthplace: New York City.

Mom: Daisy Clover.

Dad: Theodore Ursa.

Sibling: Oscar Clover(little brother).

14.Oscar Clover

Gender: Male.

Species: Deer.

Fur color: Brown.

Eye color: Blue.

Date of birth: 9/13/1956

Birthplace: New York City.

Mom: Daisy Clover.

Dad: Theodore Ursa.

Sibling: Muriel Ursa(big sister).

13.Nancy Snout

Gender: Female.

Species: Anteater.

Fur color: Yellow.

Eye color: Brown.

Date of birth: 7/18/1953

Birthplace: Inkwell.(Isle one)

Mom: Lorraine Lion.

Dad: Carl Snout.

Siblings: None.

14.Linda Smith

Gender: Female.

Species: Human.

Race: Mixed.

Hair color: Blonde.

Date of birth: 2/10/1954

Birthplace: Inkwell.(Isle three)

Mom: Chiyo Tanaka.

Dad: Roy Smith.

Sibling: Yasu Tanaka.(little brother)

15.Yasu Tanaka

Gender: Male.

Species: Human.

Race: Mixed.

Hair color: Black.

Date of birth: 6/23/1956

Birthplace: Inkwell.(Isle three)

Mom: Chiyo Tanaka.

Dad: Roy Smith.

Sibling: Linda Smith.(big sister)

#Cuphead #cuphead dlc #ocs #fanchildren #head cannon

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