acrobatadelcamino

[brilliant-tomato]

I am sorry. Ok not really

[tessabennet]

Band lead singer Ken edition!

80s Rock Ken Edition

Barbie vocalist edition

80s singer Barbie Edition

[dissvicious]

I feel like Rory judges people a lot by how they treat his relationship with Vernes. Of course this starts by stating the obvious: Do NOT, I respect, DO.NOT. Make fun of him for it or try to take his plush away from him. Psychoanalysing him also doesn’t turn out to well if you try to question him about it. Trying to play into the fantasy is fifty / fifty for lots of reasons, he doesn’t really appreciate it if you start to baby the thing he essentially sees as his confidant and coworker. He is aware that Vernes is just a plush toy and he also is aware that other people don’t perceive him like he does, so treating him like one would a baby doll feels patronizing to him (Also Vernes is not a baby don’t go „Does Mistuh Wabbit want a nappy nap?“ at him. Don’t insult his intelligence). However he appreciates it when people care for Vernes in a way that goes beyond „Stick him in a box to keep him from harm“. If someone makes an effort to do little things like set him near the port window so he can look out the window while Rory is away, or if you come back from an island with a little raincoat that is usually made for dolls because „You mentioned that you didn’t want to take Vernes out to the deck the last week because it was raining on and off , would this help?“ he actually appreciates it. Shows him you see his „delusion“ not as a thing to be fixed or to be entertained but as something that’s inherently a part of him.

I feel like his siblings and parents get it the most in the beginning and thusly sometimes get away with things other people would get a laughgas bomb for. „Praytell Skye, why did you dress up my coworker like a smarmy little prince for your tea party? And choose your answer wisely.“ „ It’s not a tea party. It’s a murder Mystery and detective Vernes is on the case. They found lady Bellum dead in the bathtub.“ „…. Any leads?“ „The biggest subject is the governess herself at the moment, because the lady threatened to expose her affair with the maid to her husband.“ Leans in conspicuously. „Doesn’t help that they are gonna find the Governess dead in the attic in a few minutes.“ „Intriguing. Can I join?“ „Sure!“ Buggy ,nervously looking into the room trough the door: „What the hell? What happened to just playing house?“

AHHHHH I LOVE THIS SO MUCH THANK YOUUU

You're 100% right about the Rory - Vernes dynamic, tho. Rory would judge people on (basically everything) how they talk to Vernes. And this dynamic stay true when he hits teenager years!

A few thoughts:

I think that Blaze may be the only one who ever managed to "hurt" Vernes. Tired of being the target of his brother pranks he stole the plush and left a really poorly written kidnapper note. This ended with Rory grabbing him by the collar with the most pissed off, angry, terryfing face he ever made, asking him with a very cold tone to give him Vernes back. Blaze NEVER touched Vernes again after that.

The end with Skye made me giggle because I have this idea that she's really annoyed to be perceived as "the girl" of the family. She's the kind of little girl to play murder, punk stylist, or surgeon whenever someone offered her a doll. Weird barbie infinite generator. So yes her being caught playing tea party but it's actually some kind of Agatha Christie roleplay ? Fit wells!

ALSO Rory is EXTREMELY sensitive when it comes to Vernes fashion tastes. "Hey Rory look I knitted this little sweat for Vernes !" *Roll eyes* "A cute little pink pullover? *Sigh* he already told you like a hundred times he was more in the classic academy aesthetic, plus brown fits his tone better." (Telling this like you would explain something absolutely obvious to someone really stupid) (which you are in his eyes)

When he developed his illness, Vernes become even more important to him. Like a mental barrier against dark voices in his head.

He often uses Vernes to insult people obviously. "MMM, what do you say ? Uncle Zoro sink more than a herd of pigs and he should use his unique braincell to shower instead of playing with swords? That's not really nice, Vernes, behave yourself."

Speaking of that, Luffy and Robin are probably the strawhats who get along the best with the Vernes thing. Robin with her soft understanding nature, Luffy because if Rory says the plush talk then it talks duh ?

Adult Rory probably has a tattoo of Vernes Somewhere.

[snorkling-in-sodasea]

New Thoughts on Blitzo

Warning, people who love Stolas should stay away. And okay, so I've been through tumblr, I heard about the new episodes, and I even saw the trailer for the rest of season 2. I gotta say, I have a new perspective on Blitzo. At the very least, I'm feeling sorry for him

Not that the situation with Stolas was never anything to brush off. To be exact, from the very beginning, I was more infuriated at Blitzo's behavior. The shit he did to Moxxie and to an extent Millie, the shit he did to Verosika, to Fizzarolli, to Barbie. Really, to me, the crap that Blitzo did was far more noticeable to be than the crap Stolas was doing. Like a favorite child and an unfavorite to an abusive parent. Yeah, you'd think it's super obvious who has it good just by looking at it, but you end up missing how the favorite child suffers, too, from their position. In this case, I paid more attention to the the unfavorite child's acting out that I didn't notice how problematic the favorite really was.

Hearing what I heard, though... and seeing the trailer. Well, Blitzo's situation with Stolas has gotten worse and worse over time. Now it's reached a point where not only can I not look at it and think nothing of it anymore, but I actually feel bad for Blitzo. Really, being guilt tripped and attacked over and over to get with the one who made you feel like it really is just about sex, someone who would get mad at you for not loving them like they wanted when you fail their test... that's something I wouldn't want to wish on my worst enemy. No matter how much I hate Blitzo, I wouldn't wish this on him.

Even without that, there's so much ACTUAL shit that Blitzo has done that warrants the relentless attack that the trailer showed snippets of. Stalking, harassment, video taping and watching people have sex without even their knowledge, let alone their consent, breaking and entering, maxing out credit cards and leaving debt for others to take care of, leaving someone to highly likely die regardless of the reasons for doing so, tracking someone down for a week straight regardless of whether or not they want to see you and make THEM the bitch for the voluntary week-long search, and constant insulting and belittling and sheer disrespect in general... yet the thing that Blitzo is gonna ever be held accountable for is not being in love with Stolas. What the fuck? It's like the show's writers are saying that not being in love with someone is the only real crime down there in Hell

And yeah, for the two paragraphs above, I said 'test'. Because ultimately, at seeing that sneak peek of that 'duet', that's what it feels like Stolas's end. That he just wants to see that he doesn't really need the grimoire to have Blitzo. What's more, Stolas clearly has his expectations. He says things like 'can' and 'could' when dreaming about that little fairytale ending with Blitzo that he wants but from the way he carries himself, it's like he's taking it for granted that he will get that fairytale ending. I guess his test will just be something like a formality instead of a test, now that I think about it

I legitimately will never understand people who sees this show as a masterpiece that's perfection representation and all that jazz. If they can enjoy it, fine, but when I hear praise like that, it feels like to me like you're drinking water and you claim it's actually liquidized macaroni and cheese. With no flavor packets with a mac-and-cheese flavor at all

[wraithdance]

I’m glad you made a post talking about how it’s okay for non poc to reblog those posts & stories. I’m a white cis woman and I always hesitate to do that because I know it’s not meant for me.

A creator here blocked me because I liked one of their fics & their content “wasn’t for me to like.” I’ve also been told that I shouldn’t listen to the song “Black Barbie” because it’s not meant for me.

This absolutely is not a “woe is me” thing, I just always have a hard time with interacting with poc or the lgbtq+ communities because I’ve seen so many of them talk about how much they hate when white people try to interact with their content (which is fair, I guess?).

I really struggle to navigate what I’m allowed to do and what I’m not. I’m a little older so I try to be sensitive and attentive to how other people feel about people like me, it just gets a little discouraging to get blocked & told to fuck off because I’m white. I can’t really be mad about it, obviously.

Hi! So again, I in no way claim to be an expert on all things black/poc or marginalized, we don't all share the same boundaries and what not, so a good rule of thumb would be to check out the blog for a 'Do not interact' list that states explicitly ‘x’ ppl don't engage. (More thoughts below the cut but that's the main take away to this ask.)

If you do all that and still get blocked that's kinda a meh oh well situation because at least you did your due diligence. Personally I 10000% curate my irl spaces to not center white people or non queer, non fat people as much as I can, because it is exhausting being considerate of others who don't understand the core of how I have to navigate my life. I'm a little more lax online because I do really like engaging with everyone and unfortunately theres very few poc people in this fandom in general. But it's why you'll never see me say the N-word on here or make posts that I really would only feel comfortable with black people engaging with because I know I have a mixed following.

For the music thing for me personally I'm not the most comfortable when non black people interact with really, really culturally specific rap music without knowing their anti-racist views first. because there's a history of tokenizing, colonizing and meme-fying black music and our artists. If you can enjoy the song with efforts to be respectful I personally don't give a fuck, ask the next black person and they say something different so its case by case.

When LGBTQ+ people and POC people say they don't want white/straight people to interact its probably because the internet is the one space they don't have to curate or mask their person-hood. So, you should absolutely respect that and kanye shrug if you ever see a request for white/straight people to DNI with fics. I know you said this isn't a woe is me thing but I'm a little concerned about you having a hard time interacting with the LGBT/POC communities bit. Could you possibly explain further?

Because in my experience where one marginalized person does not want to engage with a privileged party, there's like ten more marginalized people who are open to conversations or friendship with someone outside of their experience. So you absolutely should not be deterred from engaging with LGBT/POC people or anyone not like you and their works.

It's fine that it hurts your feelings but I'm telling you now, with more kindness than another person may be able to afford, your hurt feelings about being blocked is minuscule when you're able to exist in spaces that disregard us/are violent towards us in and off the internet. Just do what you can to research and unpack what you can, that's all you can do!

[multifandom-re-write-01]

Meeting Chwe Boyoung

Summary: Nari meets someone she never expected to meet. (Boyoung x Nari crossover) Based on Boyoung's post, The Multiverse

A/N: I didn't tag anyone in this because this is a post we've already read before in the previous blog - it changed a little bit, but nothing big, so I didn't tag anyone ^^

A soft knock was heard behind Nari’s bedroom door, making the woman call out gently for the person to come in. She assumed that one of the members must have come back to the dorm early from their dinner outing; Nari felt like staying back at home to relax rather than go out with the others - goodness, the poor woman has been slightly overworking due to NCT 127 and WayV preparations as well as NCT as a whole in general (not that the public is aware of, having preparations for their next NCT comeback and all…).

When the door opened, she did not expect to see a young woman sniffling, face stained with dry tears and looking very defeated. Nari had no idea who this young woman was, but at the moment, she looked very defeated, sad, and in pain - Nari’s motherly instincts kicked in despite not knowing who she was. “Oh my…” Nari felt her eyes soften at the sight of the young woman, reminding her of the Dreamies. “Are you alright, honey?”

“N-No!” the stranger whimpered, bursting into tears. Instantly, Nari held her arms out for a hug, the young woman falling into her arms as she cried heavily. Seeing her cry made her think of Jisung for some reason; must be because she looked around his age.

“Aiyaa~” Nari cooed, patting her back comfortingly. “It’s okay, it’s okay, let it all out, take your time honey, take your time~”

She doesn’t know how long the two stayed in their position; the stranger hugged Nari around the waist tightly as the two sat on Nari’s bed, but eventually, the cries stopped, and the woman pulled away from Nari to wipe her face sheepishly. “Are you okay?” Nari asked her calmly, helping brush loose strands of hair away from her damp face.

“Y-Yeah, I should be okay now,” the woman smiled at her sheepishly. “Thanks…”

“No worries,” Nari smiled back, moving to rest against her headboard. She stared at the young woman curiously. “Now…can I ask why you are here? I’ve never seen you before, and I have no idea how you came here without me hearing the front door opening…” A thought entered her mind that made her pout. “Are you a relative of one of the members who I didn’t know about? If so, that is very low of them, and I will scold them later for that.” Nari tried to think of which member would do this. Her face darkened at another suggestion. "If you're a sasaeng -"

“No, I’m not…I’m not a relative of the members,” the stranger admitted with the smallest cringe. "And I'm not a sasaeng. No way..." She lifted her hand up to show the Sling Ring to Nari. “I’m from another universe.”

“Ohhh?” Nari leaned forward to stare at the jewellery with interest. She recognised it, being a MARVEL fan and all, so her interest was piqued.

“Yeah,” she nodded. “In my universe, I’m Jaemin’s childhood best friend -” Her face flashed with pain momentarily, seeming to reminisce on a painful memory, “-and together we’re in NCT. I’m the only female member in NCT.”

Only female member in NCT?

"Prove it," Nari narrowed her eyes at her suspiciously. "Tell me something about NCT that the public doesn't know."

Boyoung blinked. "Uh...Johnny Oppa once danced to Barbie Girl shirtless while he had those extensions in his hair during Gimme Gimme era. Mark Oppa had recorded it and sent it to the Dreamie group chat."

No one knows that except the members.

“That’s cool,” Nari grinned, holding her arms out to her side. “Because that’s me in this universe, the only female member in NCT.”

“Really?” the stranger tilted her head in curiosity, Nari internally cooing at the cute action, “Can I ask what your name is?”

“Oh, of course!” Nari beamed. “My name is Park Nari.”

“My name is Chwe Boyoung. I thought I was going to meet another version of me, I didn’t know I’d meet a different person…”

“Can I know who you’ve met already?”

Boyoung recounted the events from when she had her disagreement with Jaemin in her original universe (Nari pouted at the fact Boyoung couldn’t see how amazing she truly was), all the way to leaving the recent different-Jaemin in his universe all alone. “How peculiar,” Nari mused once she heard the whole story. “You’ve met the version of you if you didn’t grow up in your upbringing, being happy and all that, and then you met an angry version of yourself that didn’t move on from the past and pushed people away, and then you met a universe where you…” Her smile faltered, “...unfortunately lost the battle to your hardships…”

“And now I am in a universe where I don’t exist,” Boyoung added dryly.

“Eh, it’s alright,” Nari waved off, “I’m pretty sure there’s a universe where neither of us doesn’t exist, and we’re just someone’s imagination.” Nari blinked at what she just uttered. She had no idea why she said that…

“Right, anything could happen…” Boyoung agreed, snapping Nari out of her mini confusion.

“But you know what I can see in your journey?” Nari asked her with a raised eyebrow. The young woman copied her action.

“What?”

“How they all speak the same message.”

“Which is?”

“Gratification, and moving onwards,” Nari answered in a reflective tone, waving her hand absently as if it was nothing - when really, it was something to take in. “That you have the chance to move on and become a better version, that you should be grateful for where you are.”

“...huh…” Boyoung blinked. But Nari could read her better than Boyoung thought; she can see the small denial in her eyes despite the journey she’s been through in the past few hours.

“And you know what I’m going to say?” Nari smiled cheekily with a wink.

“The same things the other universes said, I presume?” Boyoung returned with a half-hearted eye roll.

“Well, it’s because it’s true,” Nari shrugged, relaxing back against her headboard. “You need to see that you are not who you used to be, you’re not the old you that was lost and weak; but you’re a new person who can move on and become better - and people around you have seen it, except you. And I bet you, through these multiverse travels, you’re realising how lucky you are right now, and how grateful you are, right?”

“...right…” Acceptance and defeat are reflected in the young woman’s eyes. It reminded Nari of when she had to confront for the first time that she was constantly pushing people away, not letting anyone through her walls and into her heart. It wasn't until it had to be literally yelled at to her for her to realise the seriousness of how guarded she was to even her own members.

“So, what are you going to do?” Nari asked rhetorically, speaking the answer quickly before Boyoung could say anything. “You’re going to go back home, admit that you’re changing for the better, an show the members how grateful you are,” Goodness, Nari needed to express this to her own members as soon as they came back from their dinner outing.

“You’re such a mum,” Boyoung snickered. “Are you the mother figure in NCT?”

“Yeah, I am,” Nari smiled fondly at the thought of her members. “How interesting is that? I’m one of the older members in NCT and seen as an older sister or mother figure, but you’re the maknae of NCT. You must be so lucky having the members loving you.”

“Same to you,” Boyoung nodded. “You’re their role model, they love you a lot and would do anything fo you, I am guessing.”

“Right,” Memories of the members wanting to help her in certain situations played in the back of her mind. “I love them just as much…”

“From what I can see, there’s always something that’s trying to pull us back,” Boyoung noted thoughtfully. “Mine is my upbringing…do you have any struggles?”

“Oh, you know it!” Nari giggled in bittersweet. “Um…I tend to put a barrier up between me and people, so I don't get close to them. I tend to push people away and not show my true emotions and thoughts. So, people mistake me for being cold and rude.”

“Really?” Boyoung gaped. She had no idea they were similar.

“Yeah,” Nari winced, scratching the back of her neck. “Uh, it's a habit I had growing up, to be honest. But the members are trying to help me open up to people, especially Taeyong - I don't deserve him, I swear -”

“Huh? You and Taeyong Oppa?” Boyoung interrupted her with a confused frown.

“Ohhh…” Nari’s eyes widened slightly in realisation. “You know how you and Jisung have a thing going on? Well, in this universe, I am in a relationship with Taeyong.”

“Really?” Boyoung almost squealed, even going as far as to jump on her spot on the bed. “You and Oppa? Wooowww what is it like?”

“It’s great!” Nari perked up. Although she tried not to, a big smile was forming on her face at the thought of her lover. “We’re best friends, have helped each other in our lowest moments and everything…I really love him. I don't know where I would be without him.” Ever since the two decided to open up themselves to change and become their true selves, while also communicating with one another, they have been unstoppable.

Nari moved to sit beside Boyoung again instead of against the headboard, nudging her shoulder lightly with hers. “You should do that with Jaemin.”

“Jaemin and I aren’t -” Boyoung winced.

“I know, pabo,” Nari rolled her eyes. “But he’s still your best friend, the one who hasn’t given up on you. He deserves to be acknowledged as well, you know?”

“Yeah, I know,” Boyoung grinned small. “I’m really lucky to have him and the others in my life.”

“Aren’t we all?” Nari joked, referring to all versions of Boyoung (and maybe even herself), the two giggling briefly. “So…you know why you’re travelling through universes now, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Boyoung sighed, seeming to relax her shoulders as if a weight was lifted off of them, “I know now.”

“That’s good, that’s good, I’m glad~”

Just then, a new portal opened up, having heard Boyoung’s longing and accepting heart to go back home for good. “Time to go home, I guess,” Boyoung seemed to have recognised it was a portal to her original universe, hopping off Nari’s bed quickly to stand in front of the portal. Nari moved quickly after her in an attempt to get a closer look at what Boyoung’s universe looked like. From what Nari could see, it was another version of her own room, it was just decorated to Boyoung’s style - and Nari can definitely see the room scream out Chwe Boyoung.

“Remember what you learnt in these travels, Boyoung,” Nari reminded her in a motherly tone. “Don’t let this all go to waste.”

“I won’t,” she assured the older woman with a smile. “I’ve learnt my lesson.”

“That’s good,” Nari nodded.

“Can you do something for me?” Boyoung requested, turning around to face Nari, her back to the portal.

“Anything!”

“Make sure to tell the members how grateful you are to have them in your life and to love them unconditionally,” Boyoung shuffled in her spot shyly. “The members deserve the whole world.”

“They do, they really do,” Nari almost whispered, feeling emotional from the love they both clearly had for their members. Nari was glad to have met Chwe Boyoung. If only she was from Nari’s universe; Nari would have treasured her and looked after her and loved her the way she deserved. And maybe through Boyoung, Nari would have learnt to appreciate the members a few years ago and be open to them - or maybe she and Boyoung would both be stubborn and not open up until years later. Who knows?

With one last wave of goodbye, Boyoung walked through the portal, back home.

The sound of the front door being unlocked echoed in the quiet dorm, followed by the loud laughter of the members and them teasing Doyoung like usual.

Nari was quick to fulfil Boyoung’s request.

“Noona!” Haechan cheered, dashing to her side before Doyoung could whack him for teasing the older member. “I missed you!”

“I missed you too in those few hours!” Nari snickered, pressing multiple kisses on the top of his head that made him laugh at the ticklish feeling. Although the 127 maknae was a bit confused to receive such physical affection, he couldn't complain. “Love you~”

“Mh, love you too, Noona~!”

“Hey, do we get this treatment as well?” Johnny pouted, hand flying to his heart dramatically. Rolling her eyes, she pulled away from Haechan (ignoring his whines) to hug her American best friend tightly. “Whoa,” Johnny raised his eyebrows at the intense love he was receiving, though returned it. “What’s up with you?”

“Nothing,” she hummed, moving away from him to hug Jungwoo next who accepted her hug with a squeal. “I just wanted to remind you guys how much I love you and am grateful to have you in my life.”

“Don’t worry, we feel the same,” Jaehyun assured her as it was his turn to receive a hug from her.

“I know,” she nodded, “But I still wanted to express my love and gratitude to you guys.”

“And we’ll happily accept it,” Taeyong declared, swooping forward to encase his arms around her waist, pressing kisses all over her face. While she giggled at her boyfriend’s affection, the others groaned in mock disgust.

“Alright, keep it PG, here, we have some kids!” Yuta teased, nodding in Mark and Haechan’s direction. As everyone laughed at the teasing and continued to joke around with one another, Nari admired them all in the arms of her wonderful boyfriend, leaning her head on his chest.

Yes, she was very lucky to have them in her life, just like how Boyoung was lucky to have her members in her life.

Masterlist

[steampunkforever]

As facetious as I may be when I claim that to reach Pretentiousness is to peek through the gates of artistic Valhalla, I do sincerely believe that being an art snob is both good for the soul and one of the only ethical ways to approach art point blank.

That said, it’s also very easy to get lost in the sauce, as it were, and turn pretentiousness (good) into an ego high (less good) that results in you becoming a heel (not good). Noah Baumbach’s Greenberg, starring Ben Stiller in the titular role, is a study of a pretentious man so lost in the sauce that he actively alienates everyone around him.

With that, Greenberg not only puts me three films away from completing Buambach’s filmography, but also the first feature film in which Noah cast Greta Gerwig, starting a chain of events that would ultimately lead to me making divorce jokes about the Barbie movie, a very normal thing to do.

On that note, Noah simply could not restrain himself with this one and gave multiple characters marital trouble ranging from trail separation to outright #STATUS: DIVORCED.

Though not as blatant as Marriage Story in its bleakness, Greenberg is not a fun film to watch. Ben Stiller’s Greenberg plain sucks, and you spend the entire movie with the guy. For as much as he’s a stand in for Noah’s self-insert neuroses (a spot usually reserved for divorce in one form or another), he lacks the snappy quick witted grad-student energy of some of Noah’s earlier films. Greenberg is a sad sack fresh out of a mental hospital and his miserable self-absorption wears you down where in other films it would be relatable.

This is clearly on purpose, and it’s enjoyable to watch Noah craft the narrative in this film, but it’s not fun like it would be if Wes Anderson handled the characters. This is where your own pretentiousness is key, as you can enjoy it for what it is rather than splashing about in the shallow waters of “let people enjoy things” (gah remember when that argument held any weight?) and forego art that challenges the viewer.

My own challenge with the film came through the dialog. Noah, as the child of two (divorced) academics, has always had that specific lilt to his dialog (pretentious! I love it!) but Greenberg adopts a specific early variation of therapy-speak that is both novel and grating. The phrase “hurt people hurt people” is quite literally used in this film. It makes sense considering Greenberg’s ongoing neurosis and recent contact with the mental healthcare system, but as more and more modern media takes this tone, I can see where the Baumbach Divorce Proceedings set trends a decade ahead of (beloved!) Ted Lasso pushing therapy speak to Andy-Griffith levels of wholesome moralizing.

Of course Noah, being an expert at more than Divorce, saves the entire film with the most passively toxic romance I’ve seen in a long time. Gerwig and Stiller’s characters have such an awful co-dependent love hate relationship that’s played in an understated yet skillful manner. If I were reductive (stupid) I’d accuse this film of romanticizing harmful relationships, but the film is art, not an after shcool special, so instead I’ll liken this to a very low-stakes trainwreck.

Stiller and Gerwig’s characters like each other so very much, and somehow also are so bad for each other, with Gerwig’s pushover “says sorry too much” characterization mixing with Stiller’s “generally awful basketcase” demeanor the same way ammonia and bleach mix to create chlorine gas and two very uncomfortable sex scenes.

It’s a challenging film, and yet a very good film that follows Greenberg’s attempts to deal with aging, a fear of death, and the acceptance that he doesn’t have to run from success and he should accept love from someone he doesn’t deserve to love. For how understated it is, it still manages sophistication in its character study that only Noah “Ethical Woody Allen Substitute” Baumbach could pull off.

Maybe it’s Stiller and Gerwig’s awkward chemistry, maybe it’s that Baumbach knows how to write women, maybe it’s the commentary on the rise of the “Millenial” generation that spurred a perfectly of-its-time soundtrack, but the movie and its romance managed to both challenge me and delight me in its muted sophistication. I hope they have a long and prosperous divorce.

[apocalypticavolition]

Let's (re)Read The Eye of the World! Chapter 19: Shadow's Waiting

Hello and welcome back to my reread. Today we're doing chapter 19, SPOILERS Waiting. Spoilers for everything. Wheel of Time (1990-2013). Barbie (2023). Real Life (still in progress). Two of those are jokes, but if you don't want spoilers for this whole book series, run away! My tendrils of knowledge are trying to catch you!

This chapter has a pair of ravens! Since that usually refers to Darkfriends or the Seanchan, neither of which are here, I can only assume it's meant to refer to paranoia. The constant sensation of being watched and the fall of the city due to distrust. Eyes are everywhere but you can't see them.

More buildings had roofs fallen in than had them whole. Tumbled walls spilled fans of brick and stone into the streets. Towers stopped, abrupt and jagged, like broken sticks. Uneven rubble hills with a few stunted trees growing on their slopes could have been the remains of palaces or of entire blocks of the city.

Note that even in the time of the Ten Nations, architectural standards were really high. A lot of the stuff that's getting on 2,000 years old in temperate regions in real life is in way more disrepair than this unless we're actively maintaining it. Nature must find it harder to reclaim Ogier work; it's probably designed to grow into the city and reinforce it up to a point.

And I thought Baerlon was a city! Burn me, but Thom must have been laughing up his sleeve. Moiraine and Lan, too.

Rand is right, but actually Shadar Logoth is something of an over-correction. Most of the cities in his time period have huge and ornate areas, but they don't have every building covered in domes and fountains and spires at every intersection. Things are decaying and retreating.

She gave him a look from the corner of her eye. “The fact is, she needs my herbs, and so do you.” Her voice was acerbic to start, and grew more tart as she spoke. “The fact is, she can only do so much, even with her One Power, and she has done about as much as she can without collapsing. The fact is, your sword cannot help her now, Lord of the Seven Towers, but my herbs can.”

Love how Nynaeve picks up a fact about someone and immediately weaponizes it against them in mockery. She's only extra hurt because the one man she thought understood her is implying she'd be careless in her specialty.

“You going to take care of your horse?” Perrin said. He had already finished his own and was lifting the saddle from Mandarb. Strangely, the fierce-eyed stallion gave him no trouble at all, though he did watch Perrin.

I should make a note to pay attention for how animals in general treat Mr. Werewolf going forward.

“Well, you heard what Moiraine said. It’s as if some dead man was speaking with my mouth. I don’t like it.” His scowl grew deeper when Perrin chuckled. “Aemon’s warcry, she said—right? Maybe you’re Aemon come back again. The way you go on about how dull Emond’s Field is, I’d think you would like that—being a king and hero reborn.” “Don’t say that!” Thom drew a deep breath; everybody stared at him now. “That is dangerous talk, stupid talk. The dead can be reborn, or take a living body, and it is not something to speak of lightly.”

Not sure if this is evidence against my theory or a way that Thom is joining the Denial Gang. He's got to have an inkling about the possibility of the Dragon Reborn at this point, so having the boys proclaim themselves to be the dead come again is really dangerous territory in his eyes.

Also, Mat really doesn't like magic when it happens to him, even if it's not Aes Sedai stuff. He also wouldn't like being a hero reborn and canonically isn't, though I don't know if that was something Jordan himself specified or a detail Sanderson came up with - or, for that matter, if it was something Jordan knew at this point in the writing if it was his idea.

“Aren’t you forgetting the Trollocs?” Perrin said. Mat shook his head scornfully. “Lan said they wouldn’t come in here, remember? You need to listen to what people say.” “I remember,” Perrin said. “And I do listen. This city—Aridhol?—was an ally of Manetheren. See? I listen.”

Huh, this whole time I've been saying Mat's one of the only people in the world who don't think Perrin's stupid, but apparently not! Also, it's worth noting that at no point did anyone tell the boys that they shouldn't wander off, and you might think that it's implied, but since it's these three I'm going to say it's all Moiraine and Lan's fault for not remembering how to deal with idiots. And good lord, but Mat actually convinces Perrin first.

A palace was plainly a palace, but what was a huge building that was one round, white dome as big as a hill outside and one monstrous room inside? And a walled place, open to the sky and big enough to have held all of Emond’s Field, surrounded by row on row on row of stone benches?

Concert halls and sports arenas were canonically a part of the Ten Nations culture. Did they survive to Hawkwing's day, or were these the last hurrah of the Third Age?

“You can sleep anytime,” Mat said determinedly. “Look at where we are. A ruined city. Treasure.”

Honestly this feels really out of nowhere for Mat. He's not mentioned much about treasure before, and really he doesn't care too much about shinies afterward - he likes getting treasure obviously but it's not much of a motivation. What's his deal with this? Is Shadar Logoth itself pulling on him a little, unable to touch Rand and Perrin because of their latent supernatural abilities? He neglects the horses immediately, which is weird for the son of a horse trader.

Maybe it's just the love of looting just something that gets burned out of him with other memories? Did the mere mention of the ruby dagger as Min's viewing prime him to see himself as a treasure hunter?

“Who are you?” Rand thought the man’s accent sounded odd, even after Baerlon; some words he pronounced strangely, so Rand could barely understand them. “What are you doing here? We thought the city was empty.”

I've mentioned it before, but this is more evidence that whatever tongue Rand is actually speaking is actually much closer to the Old Tongue than English, since Mordeth's speech - from an era when the Old Tongue was still in use - is still intelligible, just really weird. Also, Mordeth's unfamiliarity with Caemlyn is a hint of when he's from as well.

“I told you there must be treasure in a place like this,” Mat exclaimed. He darted up the stairs. “We’ll help you carry it. Just take us to it.” He and Mordeth moved deeper into the shadows among the columns. Rand looked at Perrin. “We can’t leave him.” Perrin glanced at the sinking sun, and nodded.

Whatever the reason, Rand and Perrin are definitely not taking the bait. They only care about this because of Mat, not any hope of riches themselves.

Suddenly Rand realized what had been nagging at him about the man. The scattered torches in the hallway had given each of them a ring of shadows, just as the torches in the treasure room did. Only. . . . He was so shocked he said it out loud. “You don’t have a shadow.”

So this chapter firmly establishes that Rand is the smartest one out of the trio, being the last to want to come here and the only one to realize that they've stumbled into a hellscape.

Mat peered around the side of a treasure pile, clutching a dagger snatched from the trove.

Thanks for telling him to look for it, Min. You done fucked him up, didn't even talk to him, and in the Last Battle you're going to have the audacity to treat him like an old friend.

Mat just gestured to all the gold and jewels. Before he could say anything, though, Rand seized one of his arms and Perrin grabbed the other. They hustled him out of the room, Mat struggling and shouting about the treasure.

This whole thing really needed either some stronger foreshadowing of Mat's greed or something because again even knowing he's kind of the doofus of the group, this just comes out of nowhere.

The watchers followed them. Or else there were lots of watchers, lots of eyes staring out of almost every building. Rand could not see anything move, hard as he tried, but he could feel the eyes, eager, hungry. He did not know which would be worse. Thousands of eyes, or just a few, following them.

Do the others feel it too, or is this some twist of Rand's Shadow-sense, what with Shadar Logoth being so close to the Shadow even in its opposition?

Everyone except Lan was there, gathered around the flames, and their reactions varied considerably. Egwene, warming her hands at the fire, gave a start as the three burst into the room, clutching her hands to her throat; when she saw who it was, a relieved sigh spoiled her attempt at a withering look.

Aww, Egwene really does care. Odd place to grab herself though.

Everyone began in a different place. Mat started with finding the treasure, sounding almost as if he had done it alone, while Perrin began explaining why they had gone off in the first place without telling anyone. Rand jumped right to what he thought was important, meeting the stranger among the columns. But they were all so excited that nobody told anything in the order it happened; whenever one of them thought of something, he blurted it out with no regard for what came before or after, or for who was saying what. The watchers. They all babbled about the watchers.

This is why the three of them needed to be separated as quickly as possible, because Jordan knew that no matter how much the three of them grew as people, this is exactly how all their attempts to explain themselves would go.

“Apparently you did not think at all,” she said, coolly composed once more. “Anyone who thinks would be wary of a place that Trollocs are afraid to enter.” “Mat’s doing,” Nynaeve said, certainty in her voice. “He’s always talking some mischief or other, and the others lose the little wits they were born with when they’re around him.”

Places Moiraine thinks you should be wary of:

Shadar Logoth

The Aiel Waste

Tar Valon

The beach

Indoor swimming pools

Just saying Moiraine, you really shouldn't have counted on this being a logical connection even if the boys weren't... well, Nynaeve says it best.

“Mordeth alone was not consumed by Mashadar, but he was snared by it, and he, too, has waited within these walls through the long centuries. Others have seen him. Some he has influenced through gifts that twist the mind and taint the spirit, the taint waxing and waning until it rules . . . or kills. If ever he convinces someone to accompany him to the walls, to the boundary of Mashadar’s power, he will be able to consume the soul of that person. Mordeth will leave, wearing the body of the one he worse than killed, to wreak his evil on the world again.”

It's a mystery we'll never know the answer to, but I am dying to know exactly what kind of horrible things Mordeth did to become this. Did Aridhol have a stash of ter'angreal lying around that let him preserve his abhorrent will in the worst way possible? Was there some ancient evil from the end of the Age of Legends that combined with him to become so much worse? Like Fain who he'll infect, did he simply sidestep the Pattern somehow? Is that last concept really extra bullshit and stupid? I can't answer the first three questions, but the last one is a firm "yep".

Besides, I would know the minute of his death and the way of it, just as he would know mine.

I dunno Moiraine, I hear getting distracted with desk work can prevent an Aes Sedai from noticing the death of her Warder, especially if it's a political assassination leading to a coup. Be careful not to start filling out any paperwork or Lan could be gone before you know it!

He had no idea what had awakened him from his unpleasant dream. He had been a little boy again, carrying Tam’s sword and with a cradle strapped to his back, running through empty streets, pursued by Mordeth, who shouted that he only wanted his hand. And there had been an old man who watched them and cackled with mad laughter the whole time.

Regular stress dream, or Ba'alzamon again?

“Only this,” Lan said slowly. “The Myrddraal forced the Trollocs into the city. What forced the Myrddraal?”

He's definitely in the neighborhood, at least.

“Get to your horses,” Moiraine said. “We are not across the river yet.”

Moiraine is definitely trying to keep the plan (now discussed where the reader could see it) from being guaranteed to fail by upping the tension. Sadly, she's failed, though amusingly she did discuss the possibility of hailing a trader's boat. Regardless, this is the end of the chapter. Thanks for reading!

[ladyelainehilfur]

Barbie thoughts

Was highly entertained by Michael Cera's character. I think Alan was underutilized, and I really enjoyed his presence.

The best character was Weird Barbie, hands down. I didn't expect much from Kate McKinnon but the delivery of her lines blew everyone out of the water. But then again, she got the best lines.

This is my first time seeing Margot Robbie's acting and it's pretty darn good! I liked her take on Barbie.

LOVED Ryan Gosling as Ken. He looks great blonde, his abs are killer, his outfits are awesome. Really enjoyed his massive beach off with Simu Liu's Ken. Had a giant smile the entire dance break.

This entire movie should've been a musical. That was my thought watching the Kens sing and dance. Or maybe Ryan Gosling is just an amazing singer and I should watch La La Land again (tried and failed to become invested, stream Another Day of Sun tho)

The house dance party rocked and the Kens killed it

I'm somewhat surprised it's so heavily feminist. Like, Disney TV movie levels of speeches, complaints, and revelations. Wasn't a fan. It didn't have to be subtle but the dialogue for these parts was not good.

Bro, I couldn't STAND the daughter character. Edgy characters are only acceptable when they have the background to justify it. The daughter just came off as a privileged brat who had read too many 2018 anti-Barbie articles about her being bad for body standards without forming her own opinions. Calling someone who she believed to be suffering from delusions a "fascist" for having positive interpretations of Barbie....yeah, go away. This movie did not need her.

That car chase felt like a massive commercial for Chevy.

Ken saying he lost interest in the patriarchy when it became about more than horses, REAL.

The scene of the people giving them stares and saying misogynistic stuff right to Barbie's face...I just think it was too much.

Ruth was cool

I enjoyed the narrator interrupting the movie occasionally

John Cena merman >>>>>>

The resolution for the Barbies and the Kens was good, but I don't lean positive towards Barbie becoming human.

Barbie being able to close her eyes and see the past of her human was strangely under explained

I liked the set design of the cubicles in the Mattel building

Will Ferrel and his merry group of business men had almost no role in the story and could've honestly been cut without the story ending differently. Will's acting was great but the company gags did nothing for me.

I'm happy they reused the sets throughout the movie. I hope the individual pieces find good homes.

So much of the humor in this film just didn't work, but I think the biggest stinker was the Justice League Snyder cut joke. My theatre was dead silent.

The singing with the guitar joke was great though, esp for me and the friend I was seeing it with bc the song was one we'd heard over and over at work :'D

But in general, I didn't really like the soundtrack.

The marketing for this movie was nuts. $500M worldwide in a week?? Whew. I don't think it's word of mouth pushing the movie, so the insane marketing is doing all the work here. I don't know if it deserves $1 billion in revenue, but I hope all those who worked on the marketing team give themselves a pat on the back. I went to a refresqueria after the movie and I'm pretty sure Mattel did not pay for this small business to have a pink Barbie-themed and a blue Ken-themed crushed ice dessert.

I'd give it a C+ or a B-. It had its moments, but I wouldn't see it again nor would I tell people to go out of their way to watch it. There are going to be some great compilations on YouTube.

[extrakerestrial]

I'm gonna be honest I was a bit disappointed by the Barbie movie. The cinematography was great and I loved the interactions we saw of Barbie with Real World women. But my criticisms are far longer.

I found the pacing to be weird either lingering on scenes that I did enjoy as it gave time to take the movie in and think about it's concepts to repeated jokes one after another with no real time to process or laugh at the jokes, you know like a bad Tik Tok.

The subtlety was nonexistent which I can understand why some people liked that. But for me it felt like having someone explain feminist points to me that I already knew and had a good grasp of but had no way of telling this person 'Yes, I know, I've lived this too'. It also felt like they couldn't decide if they wanted to cater to people who wouldn't know these feminist points or to people who did know and had lived these points.

It also felt very repetitive like when they were unbrainwashing the other Barbies instead of repeating what they had just told Stereotypical Barbie and had been saying the entire movie they could have had it been a montage. Hell have scenes of the unbrainwashing spliced in between Ken's song.

Speaking of Ken while I did love Ken's part in the movie and honestly found Ken's bits to the movie most fun, I wish we'd had more time with Barbie. For a movie called Barbie and about Barbie it felt rather Ken-centric. Which I understand what they were going for. However I feel like it took away some of the messaging of the movie and was more counter productive.

I also wish we'd gotten more time with Gloria and her daughter, more time with the female characters in general. My favorite parts were Barbie with the founder of Mattel and her interaction with the older woman, THAT felt far more impactful to me then having someone explaining the feminist concepts of the movie to me. We know Barbie has a community around her in Barbie Land we see it repeatedly. But I feel like we got no time to see what female communities in the Real World are like. We got very little time for Barbie to form her community in the Real World. And I think THAT is a very important aspect of feminism hell of being HUMAN that should be addressed more often, the need and importance of community.

Then the ending of Barbie going to a Gynecologist being their portrayal of becoming a 'Real Woman' felt really transphobic to me. Like they were going "Look she's a REAL WOMAN now cause she has a VAGINA!" like congrats Barbie but lots of woman don't have vaginas and they're real women. I think a far better and more impactful ending would have been her sitting down at the dinner table with Gloria's family for a nice meal or a conversation or maybe to look at apartments. A moment to show her move from Barbie society to Real World Society and how she still has a support group with her and how important the concept of community and socialization is in both Barbie's World AND the Real World.

All in all it was good, it was fun. I'd watch it again. But it's not one of my top ten movies I wouldn't even call it that 'progressive'. Cause it's progressive moments are undermined by it's pitfalls into radical feminism rather then genuine love for humanity or genuine love for one another.

[savingthrcw]

under request: Solona Amell

she's meant to be a Joke but I also love her so here she is (Joke because overpowered but still will allow you to explore your character's emotions as much as you'd like, and different dynamics)

"human" mage (yeah, right) / Eldritch Horror / Hero of Ferelden & Warden Commander / doesn't have a dark side any more than Barbie does / meant to be generally seen as beautiful, real life fc is Margot Robbie. This gives her privileges which is why I made a point of mentioning it. (your muse is allowed not to find her attractive, obviously).

Wanted interactions: Dragon Age characters because I cannot imagine more people wanting to given that she's all-powerful, but if you request her I'll write her with your other ones too. Solona can easily be played as follower (and a bonus one at that, who is basically more powerful than Sandal, she's not to be taken too seriously as a character, I'll write more about it soon). Open to romantic interactions with: potentially all. Demiromantic, Pansexual. Has tried a bit of everything because curious. It's unclear to her what is socially acceptable to say.

Hair color is like in the first pic (which is her by the time of DAI), not the third which is blonder, but the third shows Margot at 22 which is closer to Solona's age (somewhere near 20)

So, what about Solona? Why is she not to be taken too seriously?

Because she has the KILL-ALL console command and mods. Normally she uses other spells because she thinks it's fun to make battles last but she is overpowered.

She's found in the Deep Roads by a group of dwarves, surrounded by dead Darkspawn and chilling. Has no memories except for the fact that her name is Solona. It seems they were trying to make her into a BroodMother and died for it. She's in her late teens and has never seen a spellbook, all her magic is purely elemental. She picks the last name Amell.

She's VERY gifted which could make her a problem, but because she's so happy to follow Circle rules, is friendly, kind, and has such a pretty face, they let her be; the general idea is that she's too 'simple' to be dangerous. When it takes less than ten minutes to go through the Harrowing they all freak out and decide to find an excuse to make her Tranquil, because that can't be right. Also maybe they should study her. She helps Jowan because he asks her to, and even if she warns Irving, if only for their own safety, they use that as the Excuse. Duncan "saves her" as much as she 'needs' to be saved (meaning she can walk away without bloodshed) so she thanks them all for the opportunity and leaves. She knows NOTHING of the world besides the few things she was taught at the Circle, she finds everyone very amusing and everything is just so great. She will learn more about humanity as the story goes by and feel more things (there is a reason if her icons come from the Barbie movie)

The rest is history, as in DAO really starts.

Notes for other players: -if you play another HoF, Hawke or Inquisitor or someone in the position of being 'scary/in charge', only ask me to use her if you are okay with the fact that she cannot feel threatened by them and if they are very dark/serious/dominant she'd just be like 'okay lol' and not take them seriously. If that bothers you because you feel it's challenging their credibility or any other reason DO NOT interact with her. If she's a follower she could either be found at the Circle during the mission to recruit the mages or have been recruited by Duncan as a Warden not long before your muse was, depending on who you play, and was found on the way to Lothering.

-If you play a Solas and you want her to be able to tell that he's more than just an elf let me know, it'd be funny if she knew and didn't say anything because nobody asked?? -if you play an Anders and want him to have safe passage after DA2 tell me and she'll take care of him. -if you want to use her to retrieve an Alistair/Hawke from the Fade, you can -if you play anyone else and you want to change some fundamental part of your muse's life tell me, she probably can do it. Found an undefeatable enemy and snap her fingers to have it die? Done. Remove a demon/spell like it's nothing? Done.

[below what happens in game / her personality and relationships]

Beginning She travels with a constant smile, she doesn't pass out at the Joining, she doesn't need time to recharge when using spells in Ostagar, just keeps burning/freezing/electrocuting at will. She has a great time! Until Duncan is betrayed. She only needs saving (via Flemeth) because she is hit over the head from behind and passes out after freezing because she felt Duncan's death. Flemeth can probably feel there is something Different about her. Same for Solona but she says nothing because nobody asks. She knows near nothing about life, the Circle doesn't encourage close relationships, so she'll ask her companions about it.

Kill-all mod and other spells. One day the rest of the team sees her not smiling after her Mabari Juliette is hurt in battle, and she immediately kills the entire group army of Darkspawn around her with one move of her hand, then go do the same to the ones who were left behind. This is how they find out that everyone she wants dead and is within thirty feet from her will die on the spot.

It takes her about five seconds to recharge after every hit of the Death spell. So the only reason she doesn't just go up to the Archdemon and kills it on the spot is that she thinks all the different races should fight together to make them remember they are meant to be friends. That and there is enough Darkspawn to tire her, plus she can't be everywhere at the same time. Her nature and other skills: Her origins are unclear but it becomes clear she must be some sort of benevolent creature that looks human, and maybe partly is. She ages and is mortal now but who knows what she was. She cannot heal people nor can morph. She can do extra spells like levitate things. She still uses normal elemental spells because they are fun, the Death Spell is boring. She can feel things that other people can (see Flemeth being More). Can go back to the Fade with some effort. She's very caring and very excited to meet everyone, finds them all very funny. She really doesn't care about killing en masse, she'll just say "they are the enemy :D", but mostly follows Alistair for moral guidance (which makes them all very lucky). Gullible, easily persuaded to do things if she's not already set on a specific choice. So Very Ready to Help.

Some game choices: Loghain dies by Alistair's hand - Anora is queen (alone). Elves and Werewolves are at peace. Bhelen wins the throne. The Circle get rescued. She tries to take care of Cullen after, doesn't hold a grudge against anyone there. Doesn't harden companions, completes all their missions. Kills the Archdemon immediately once she sees it. Either convinced Alistair to perform the ritual because worried about him or she just Could Do That. Kills the Architect.

[devolawrites]

I originally posted this on Twitter, and tbh I'll probably get the worst cringe in a day and delete the thread and this as well but I need people who have commissioned fics from me or at least know my writing to know what the actual mcfuck has been going on with me lately.

Re: status of my fic comms right now.

It's not that I haven't been honest with people, I have been, but probably not as honest bc I haven't been too honest with myself either? I am working on them. They will be finished. I guarantee that. But... I have very high expectations for myself. Ones that are, most likely, unrealistic. I am genuinely running on fucking empty right now and have been for the better part of six months now. Not that I was much better beforehand but it's been the worst in the past 6 months.

I'm very open and honest about being physically ill with fibromyalgia and endometriosis. Chronic migraines. Asthma. Spinal issues and the like. I also have bipolar disorder, ADHD, OCD, C-PTSD and, while not diagnosed, am likely touched by the tism as well. As such, I take (or I should say am supposed to take) a lot of meds daily. I haven't been able to take them bc I've been getting violently ill immediately after taking them and no one can figure out why! I also work full time and have been attempting to finish my masters.

That, right there, is baseline 'what the fuck mary take some time to yourself' but, lol. lmao, even. Then my life fell apart in March. How so?

In the span of one week: someone I considered a family member passed away. I finally allowed myself to be open to someone about how I felt after two horribly abusive situations only to get the kindest, gentlest thing ever said to me while also being turned down INTENSELY. And then found out not even 10 minutes after said FAMILY-ZONED (not even friend zoned FAMILY ZONED do you know how weird it is to tell someone you have feelings for them only to get told 'oh i see you like a sister i've never had' and just wanna die) that your best friend died.

Via fucking Facebook message.

And then that week also be the one year anniversary of my Nana's death which I'm sure still was malpractice but we'll never know for sure and I'm still bitter about it. Needless to say, I spiraled. Very badly.

I was already stressed from paying for fixing my car and finding myself needing the extra money from comms more and more and piling on more work on myself bc lmao bills and making my back log even worse and now I felt horrifically alone and vulnerable and embarrassed. And, to be sure, I still did put work out. But I also struggled with a lot of comms that I genuinely had been excited to take on only to find myself just... unable to do them. For one reason or another. Writers block? Feeling like it wasn't meeting expectations?

I'd ask other writers for help. For suggestions. For feedback. For other angles to approach shit. And I got fantastic advice. And still, nothing budged. I literally had burnt myself out and was still trying to run on empty. On fucking fumes. And I still am. And, I'll be honest, it also did sorta sting when I'd finally get work posted and then I'd just... idk. Feel like it flopped. Either with the person who comm'd it or with people in general and that's bc of how Twitter's algorithm hates creators but it's hard to not internalize.

And it made wanting to write and wanting to work on things so much harder because it became less and less about wanting to do something I genuinely enjoy and wanting to smush yalls Barbies around and felt like an obligation with no reward. And that's not yalls fault, truly. But I internalize that shit really hard and take it as a 'you're not doing this right, no wonder people would prefer others write shit and not you, you can't keep up the schedule you made for yourself.' Which is why my timeline even changed in March.

I tried to make a more realistic turnaround time, with the same disclaimers. I even mentioned to people that they'd be on a WAITLIST. And I still feel like I'm not working fast enough. Not because of any pressure from those who have paid. But my own brain. And it sucks.

Because it's making me spiral and making it even worse and it's a snake eating its own tail because if I can just get out of this fucking cycle of doubting myself and feeling like it's not gonna be worth it, I can conquer this shit. I owe so many people so much and I just... I feel horrible. I know that I should refund like, most if not all of you at this point. I just haven't had the funds to be able to do that, tbfh. I only just was able to get caught up on bills these past 2-3 checks. And if you want a refund, please, tell me! I'll do it!

But I think once this batch I have currently listed on Trello is completed, I'm closing comms for a good fucking long while. And learning how to actually enjoy my writing again. Because right now, I don't. I don't enjoy sharing my work and getting no boosts. No comments. Kudos are nice, don't get me wrong, and I love every single kudos that I get, when I get them. But it's hard to not let the self doubt and self critique fester. And again, this is not any of yalls fault. It's my own. And I don't know how to fix it, tbh.

So, once these comms are up, it's gonna just. Stop. I'll probably work on my own stuff, but I didn't even do any of the ship week content that I wanted to do (wolchefant, wolcred, wolmeric OR wolstinien) because I didn't want to upset those who I owed work to.

So, that's the state of me as a fic writer right now. It's more theory than practice, at this point, and I'm just... I'm trying, I really am. I have so many drafts in my google docs right now and I hate everything I've written so much that I'm starting from scratch every time.

Which is why the Trello has, for the most part, stood still. I'm not blowing you guys off. I just genuinely have nothing to show. And I'm sorry.

[spoiledsplendid]

2023 Met Gala Critique

It’s often said that the Met Gala is fashion’s biggest night and I couldn’t agree more. This year was a tribute to the controversial designer Karl Lagerfeld: A Line of Beauty. Lagerfeld passed away in 2019 and held the helm of the Houses of Chanel, Chloé, Balmain, and Fendi as well as his eponymous brand. Love him or hate him, no single man of our generation has had more influence on fashion. The night was to honour his legacy - and while some attendees nailed it, others missed the mark. And when the stakes are as high as the Met Gala, simply wearing a vintage dress does not cut it.

THE BEST

Emily Ratajkowski stunned in this geometric Tory Burch gown. The pattern of this dress is meant to mimic the stitching on a classic Chanel bag. The plunging blush tulle dress was a refreshing change from the sea of black and white dresses. The hair and makeup gave me Audrey Hepburn vibes. One of the top picks of the night.

Janelle Monae was born for this event - Lagerfeld, like Monae, wore signature black and white. This year Janelle gave us a Lady Gaga-esque performance as her stylists unwrapped her on the carpet. From her Thom Brown oversized hommage to a Chanel coat to her futuristic embellished crinoline petticoat, Janelle was ready for the cameras. Overrall, this look stood out from the rest but I have 2 minor criticisms: the boots are a miss and the jacket should have been pinned to the petticoat so it had lined up (the first picture shows it was uneven). But beyond that, I love the Thom Brown ties in the hair, her hair and makeup are stunning, and she has yet again proven to be a fashion dream.

Doja Cat was the cat’s pajamas in Oscar de la Renta. Lagerfeld had one love in his later life - his cat Choupette. And who better to pay tribute to a cat than…Doja Cat! The gown fits her perfectly and took over 5000 hours to create. The dress is embellished with 350,000 glass beads and weighs over 30 pounds. To complete the look, her makeup artist used prosthetics to give her a feline look. Meow!

Bad Bunny was perfectly on theme in Jacquemus. His all white tweed tuxedo featured a very daring backless jacket/shirt. To complete the look, he added a 26 foot long white floral scarf to pay homage to the signature Chanel camellia flower. Bad Bunny embraces fashion and I was thrilled to see a newcomer to the carpet take such a risk, and it paid off. This is what I would have worn if I was in attendance. (Sorry I couldn’t find a shot of the back)

Jared Leto as Choupette made me smile. I didn’t love his embellished black caped Gucci outfit that was underneath. But watching him walk the steps in this incredible furry costume made my night. The guy has guts to walk up the 24 steps in that outfit. Well done - I’m sure you would have given Karl a giggle. Next time stay in the costume for the rest of the night please.

Naomi Campbell looked radiant in a 2010 Chanel couture gown. The details on this dress are so tasteful and elegant - just like Naomi’s hair and makeup. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her look better. And with the carpet underneath her, the dress pops even more. Perfection.

Nicole Kidman didn’t wow me in this dress BUT….when I heard the story, I got it. Nicole has been the face of Chanel for years - but this is the dress she wore in the Chanel No. 5 commercial n 2004. The light pink silk gown is completed with over 250 ostrich feathers and over 3000 sequins. However, I just need her to run her hand through her hair please…I get the casual hair, but this is bordering on messy.

Cardi B looked like a Chanel Barbie in this look that would have made even Karl smile. This creation was created by Chenpeng Studios and there are just so many things to love. The nod to Karl’s love of tailoring, the quilting on the skirt reminiscent of the quilted Chanel bag, and the black leather Camellia flowers. This is a very put-together and intelligent look for the evening. Someone did their homework and ended up Best in Class!

Cara Delevingne was one of Lagerfeld’s muses and closest friends. So it’s not surprising that she nailed the look tonight. While Lagerfeld is mostly known for his women’s wear, he was also known for his own sense of style. His crisp white shirt with oversized collar was made specifically for him (and his tailor still today refuses to recreate it for anyone!). Cara takes the iconic dress shirt and turns it into a sexy mini-shirt dress with black leggings and fingerless gloves. She even colored her hair to Karl’s silver color. The oversized sleeves also gave a cape-like effect to add to the drama. So fierce!

Lizzo won the night in custom Chanel. She took a classic Chanel look and pushed the envelope…then pushed it a lil further. I love all the lil the details including the pearl Chanel boots and stacked bracelets. While this might be a bit literal for the event, the girl looks stunning. Love. Love. Love.

Jessica Chastain made my jaw drop in the velvet and tulle Gucci gown. She floated up the stairs with her new platinum hair and black sunglasses (both a nod to Lagerfeld). The attitude. The silhouette. The sexiness. Karl would have been proud.

THE WORST

Kylie Jenner clearly went to the wrong event. She is a beautiful girl but this dress didn’t belong at this event. This red Jean-Paul Gauthier gown is lovely but I do not see the Karl Lagerfeld connection. Fail.

I adore Dua Lipa but this Chanel dress was boring - especially for a co-chair. Claudia Schiffer originally wore this dress…but it’s too matronly for Dua Lipa. And even the 200+ carats of Tiffany diamonds can’t save this look. Sorry.

Kim Kardashian’s Schiaparelli dress is lovely - but not on Kim and not for this event. First - the positives: the dress is incredible. It took over 1000 hours to make and utilized over 50,000 freshwater pearls. Kim’s hair and makeup look beautiful. Now the rest of it. It’s a nude illusion dress - so why is the nude fabric so far from Kim’s skin tone. A dress of this calibre would have taken this into account - which makes me think that this dress wasn’t actually meant for her. Secondly, the pearls are covering all the essential parts….though a few more strands would have been more tasteful. However, with so much going on with the dress, why add a crazy heavy diamond choker. And when I saw the scarf/wrap/etc around her, I could only assume she had it for the same reason she had the fur coat last year - because the dress didn’t do up in the back. Lastly - while Lagerfeld did use a lot of pearls in his designs, this was too much of a stretch. It was close, but no cigar.

Jeremy Pope - you need to surround yourself with people who are more educated in fashion. This was too…basic. Time to hire a new stylist. Btw - did Anna Wintour really approve this bad Rihanna knock-off?

[pear-pies]

XL Magazine - Year 2 Issue 7 March 2007

This scan was shared by the incredibly generous @shinybrandon 💖💖💖

Translation under the cut

XL year 2 issue 7 march 2007

Caption under pic: “Andy Warhol was right: press shouldn’t be read, but judged on weight. It doesn’t matter what they write, only that they write. At this point i only look at the pictures”

Despite the recent fatherhood the singer didn’t change: he hates the press, takes care of his appearance and still writes lyrics like a teenager with an identity crisis (mostly sexual). And threatens: “we are like those bad aromas that won’t go away”

PLACEBO

Brian Molko is now a dad (how come, wasn’t he gay?)

By Simona Siri

Glancing distractedly at Brian Molko you wouldn’t tell that almost a decade passed since their first single Nancy boy. You need to take a more careful look at his hair - way less thick than once - and the foundation in excess to cover the first wrinkles and that makes him look like a doll (speaking of which: i wonder how no toy manufacturer never thought about making a doll with his resemblance like beyoncè with barbie. In my opinion it would sell). 

Even if years have passed, the granitic determination in which Placebo have gone through this period of time staying basically identical to themselves is a quality that should be acknowledged. Despite the appearance still too much resembling a teenager with a sexual identity crisis, Molko just had a son, Cody, with his partner, the photographer Helena Berg, and spends most of his free time navigating between nappies and baby bottles (“it’s like juggling: you need to learn how to throw multiple balls in air simultaneously. In a way it’s fun”). He still attends parties, “the issue”, he says, “is that now to recover from an all nighter i need double the time. Compared to the past I also work more and there’s less time to have fun”. 

In fact he seems like someone who isn’t having fun at all. He talks with the same passion of an accountant telling you the amount of how many taxes you need to pay. He’s docile and tame, that for sure, so far away from the hot head everyone paints him but you can also tell he couldn’t care less. I try to tease him by asking him what is the secret of their longevity, ten years doing music isn’t for everyone, but he doesn’t react. He shrugs and says that the only true secret is to ignore the press. “I think like Andy Warhol: press shouldn’t be read, but judged by weight. It doesn’t matter what they write, only that they write. I don’t even read the articles about us. I only look at the pictures. If they are good then everything is fine for me”. 

A brilliant idea, only if it works both ways: they can ignore the press and we can ignore what they write in their songs. Except you end up reading their lyrics eventually and you can find all the Placebo thinking as we know it with their most classic themes: solitude, teenage confusion, depression and substance abuse. But what, wasn’t being told they grew up and now that they are adults their priorities changed? 

“Life changes, but your fears and insecurities not so much. The things that make you angry or vulnerable don’t change. And I don't think there’s a direct link between your state of mind and your life”. Perhaps Placebo and in particular Molko grew fond to their imagine so much they got suffocated by it and fell into the most trivial of sexual ambiguity cliché. “Truth is there isn’t anyone who is going to hand you the handbook on how not to turn into a cliché. The only way to not look ridiculous is to work hard, being in a band is not enough. We are all cliches as human beings, including myself”. 

Resign yourself that even if Molko is now a thirty something with a 5 months old son he writes sentences like “It’s in the pills that you pick up” or “I’ll find no solace in your apology”, the most striking news is perhaps the music itself. The new album (called Meds and that has to do with all the kind of anaesthetics people use to make their life more bearable) seems to go into a different direction compared to the previous ones. “We discovered a simpler way to make a record and this gave us great satisfaction. We wanted to discover the pleasure of playing together again. Perhaps we make ourselves more vulnerable but we feel we are strong enough to do so”. 

Now that even the most hated British press seem to take them seriously, changing paths is a brave choice. “We never followed trends. After all, how can you be trendy for ten years? Our only quality is to always be here, like those bad aromas that never go away. Translated: in ten years we will still be here, get used to it. 

[baepsaesbae]

Babysitters Club

Pairing— Kim Taehyung x reader    

Genre— SMUT, fluff, babysitting au, strangers to lovers au

Warnings— Dom!Taehyung, roleplaying, face fucking, oral sex (m and f), bondage, explicit rough unprotected sex please stay safe irl, squirting, choking, hickies, a surprise cameo from Spring Will Come Again!Jungkook because I have no self control

Word Count— ~7.6k  

Summary— A generic summer job hunt leads you to babysit rowdy (but still cute) kids alongside the most handsome man you’ve ever seen. What shenanigans will you get into with Taehyung by your side?

A/N— HUGE shoutout to the lovely @kimtaehyunq​​ for making this beautiful banner for me! This was literally the Taehyung I had in mind while writing this uwu. This fic is the epitome of self indulgence but I truly hope you guys like it too! Please let me know what you think! My askbox/inbox is always open, don’t be afraid to come chat with me. Love you all, hope you guys are safe <3

Crumpled up newspapers littered the floor as another ball was apathetically tossed aside. A sigh of defeat escaped your lips as you looked up at the ceiling in desperation.

“Still at it with the job hunt, huh?” your roommate, Hyuna, said when she saw your mess, “I told you to search online. Or try to get a job at a cafe or a boba shop or something.”

“Easy jobs online seem sketchy, and I told you I don’t want to work in the food industry ever again,” you groaned.

“But you’d rather...be a babysitter?” she questioned as she held up an ad, “Wait you could get paid up to $15 an hour? That’s pretty good.”

“I didn’t see that one. Is it an agency or something?”

“Not sure, take a look,” she handed you the paper.

“Oh, it seems like it’s a daycare run out of someone’s house. They’re looking for multiple applicants. You wanna do it with me?! I think it could be fun!” you ask excitedly.

“And spend most of my summer vacation with a bunch of snot nosed brats? I don’t think so. You have fun though!” she blew you a kiss as she walked away.

You whipped your phone out and immediately called the number in the ad. This job was the only one that seemed bearable, and you thought kids were cute for the most part. You’ve had a few babysitting gigs in the past so this shouldn’t be too bad.

“Hello?” a deep voice answered the call.

“Hi, I saw your ad in the paper! I was wondering if there was still a babysitting position open?” you inquired.

“Oh yes! Yeah there’s still a spot open. Um, can you give me a sec?” the man said quickly as you heard wailing kids in the background. After two minutes or so he returned to the phone.

“I’m terribly sorry about that. You don’t have a criminal background or anything right? Gosh, I’m sure this sounds unprofessional but--”

“Nope, I don’t have any charges or anything like that. Should I call back later?” you offered since it seemed like the man was a little preoccupied.

“It’s like this all the time. Why don’t we do a practice run tomorrow? Oh! I mean, whenever you’re available to start. Or technically have an interview? I guess? Hey, don’t put that in your mouth!” the man chastised at someone in the distance.

“I can come in tomorrow!” you said.

“Great! Just use the address in the same ad you got this number from! Oh, and please get here by 9am! See you soon!” the man hung up abruptly.

“That was chaotic…” you said to yourself.

A moment later your phone began to ring. It was from the babysitting guy.

“Hello?” you answered.

“I realized I never got your name! I promise I’m not always this frazzled,” he laughed as rambunctious laughter erupted behind him.

“Oh, I’m ______,” you gave him your first and last name.

“Cool. See you tomorrow Miss ____!” he said before hanging up again.

You were actually excited to babysit. It had been a while since you had done it, and playing with kids was usually fun. Then again, you’ve never had a bad experience with babysitting before. You prayed that this gig would continue the positive trend.

Donning shorts and a simple Mickey Mouse t-shirt, (you figured some kid was bound to like the mousey character) it was time to head off to your potential workplace. The babysitting place was actually fairly close to you, only about a 10 minute drive. It was 8:55am by the time you arrived. A couple of parents walked past your car to drop off their kids. All of the kids seemed to be pretty excited to enter the house, which was definitely a good sign.

You gently knocked on the door at exactly 9am. There was no response as you awkwardly waited for about a minute or so. All you could hear was shrill laughter and thumps that you presumed was the kids running about. You realized there was a doorbell, and sighed at your foolishness.

The door opened seconds after you rang the doorbell. A tall man with dark hair greeted you with a warm smile. You were taken aback by the handsome guy, suddenly questioning whether you were at the right place or not until a child popped up from behind his shoulder and yelled out a loud “Boo!” that caused you to jump.

“Ah, sorry about that! This one is always trying to play pranks,” the man laughed as he playfully jostled the child that was latched onto his back, “You must be ______?”

“That’s me!” you say with a little too much enthusiasm.

“Cool. C’mon in, I’ll introduce you to the kids,” the man led you inside.

The living room was littered with toys, from cars to building blocks to barbies. This place was definitely a kid’s happy place. Four little kids were playing with various things when you walked in. All of the kids there seemed to be between the ages of 4 to 6. At a glance, it seemed like they were all playing house. It took you a few seconds to realize that one of the kids was actually playing by herself; she was just physically close to the other kids.

“Everyone! This is our newest helper! Her name is Miss ____. Let’s all play nicely with her okay?” the man announced.

The kids playing house immediately stopped what they were doing and rushed to you. Two boys began asking you questions in a rapid fire succession, while the little girl merely clung to your leg.

“Those two are Kota and Bel,” the man pointed to the two boys, “The little girl stuck to you like glue is Ava, and the one playing over there is Lucy,” he continued to name each child.

“AND I’M SAM!!” the last boy exclaimed over the man’s shoulder.

“Yes, this troublemaker here is Sam. That’s basically the whole gang! We could get a few more additions as the summer goes on, but these guys are the OG crew. They’re all really sweet kids, once you get to know them. Any questions so far?” your employer asked.

“I don’t think I ever caught your name, sir,” you say politely.

“Oh! No need to call me sir. I think we’re probably around the same age? Not that I’m assuming your age or anything but--”

“He’s my horsey!” Sam interrupted.

“No, he’s the chef!” Kota yelled.

“No, he’s our dad who’s not our dad,” Lucy chimed in.

“My mom told me he was a babysitter?” Bel added, now visibly confused.

“I am all of those things,” the man reassured the children, “But my name is Taehyung. The kids call me Tae or Mr. insert whatever title I have in the game we are playing on that day. Pleasure to meet ya,” Tae extends a hand out to you, “Let’s see how your first day goes.”

The first few hours consisted of a rather intricate game of pretend set up in a fantasy world. You played a princess who was captured by an evil dragon, who was played by Taehyung (you couldn’t help but think about how you wouldn’t mind being his hostage).

The boys were valiant knights on their quest to rescue you. The girls played different creatures that aided the knights as fairies or unicorns or any other things they wanted to be. Most of the game consisted of you and Taehyung sitting together in a corner of the living room. Even though you didn’t have to do anything, it was fun watching the kids play. Their imagination amused you.

“Enjoying yourself, princess?” Taehyung asked as he also watched the children run around.

His deep voice sent chills down your spine. Something about the way the word “princess” rolled off his tongue was so enchanting. You cleared your throat before answering.

“This job has been pretty fun so far, Mr. Evil Dragon,” you smile.

“Hey! I’m not evil, just misunderstood,” he protested.

“Oh no! The dragon is about to eat the princess!” one of the boys cried out.

“What? No, I’m not going to eat her,” Taehyung said defensively.

“You need to pretend to eat the princess so that the knights save her,” Lucy, the quiet one, scuttled over to whisper to the both of you before hurrying back to her spot.

Taehyung turned towards you to appease the kids as they held their breath in anticipation.

“Rawr! I’m going to eat you!” he said in a deep voice.

“Oh no! Somebody save me!” you cried out, playing along.

A few moments passed but none of the kids moved. You both turned your heads towards them in confusion. They stared back at you blankly.

“You need to bite her!” Sam demanded.

“What?” you and Tae said in unison.

“Bite her! Bite her! Bite her!” the boys started to chant.

“But not too hard!” Ava expressed her worry for you, making you smile.

“I…uh…” Taehyung was at a loss for words.

“They’re not gonna stop, are they?” you whispered to him.

He nodded with a sigh as their chanting got louder. You offered him your arm. Kids can be crazy stubborn over silly things. Besides, you’ve done worse for less (college is crazy).

Taehyung shot you an “are you sure about this?” look, to which you just nodded. Once he got the okay, Taehyung grabbed your arm and pulled you harshly, causing your face to be a mere inches away from his.

“Fools! You think you can save the princess? I will devour her before your very eyes!” Taehyung declared with an even deeper voice. He opened his mouth menacingly, as if to show off his fangs. Then, he proceeded to bite your bicep. To be honest, he was being so forceful that you thought he was going to bite you for real, causing you to involuntarily close your eyes.

Instead, he gingerly placed his teeth on your skin so lightly that you could barely feel anything. You opened your eyes to see Taehyung grinning at you with your arm in his mouth.

“Aaaaggghhh GET HIM!!” Sam yelled, leading the other boys straight into Taehyung.

Taehyung quickly let go of you before he rolled out onto the floor. The boys began to pummel Taehyung with their foam swords and pretend bows and arrows. The girls came to your aid to help you escape during the battle.

The little boys triumphantly stood over their defeated babysitter who pretended to be passed out on the floor. You applauded their victory as the girls sat by your side.

“Okay! Good game, it’s almost lunchtime,” Taehyung announced as he quickly popped back up.

“Chef Tae makes the best mac and cheese!” Ava informed you excitedly.

“I wanted dino nuggies!” Sam puffed out his cheeks in disappointment.

“Sam, you know it’s Ava’s day to pick out lunch. It’ll be your turn tomorrow okay? I promise! You guys can stay here and play with Miss ____ till food is ready,” Tae called out as he walked to the kitchen. Lucy silently followed Tae.

“Lucy likes to help out in the kitchen a lot. She sets the table,” Ava explained when she saw you watching Lucy.

“You’re good at being a princess!” Kota butted in as he ran to hug your leg.

“I like your shirt! I like Mickey Mouse too. I saw him in DisneyWorld last year,” Bel said as he clung to your other leg.

The kids took turns holding onto your legs as you tried to walk around. Apparently the thought of making you tumble over was an exciting one, and that kept the kids busy until Taehyung called for everyone.

Five little bowls of mac and cheese were set up on the dining table. The kids took their seats as Taehyung handed out juice boxes. He positioned himself by your side as the little ones began to chow down.

“I normally just eat the rest out of the pot, but since you’re here I can get you a bowl. Sorry about biting you earlier, the kids really like it when I get serious about my roles,” Taehyung chuckled as he scooped out your portion.

“It’s no problem, you’re a great actor. Thank you,” you say politely as he handed you a bowl.

Lunch was spent making small talk with Taehyung. He was a newly graduated college student trying to make extra money before starting a real job hunt.Taehyung had been running this makeshift daycare since he was a senior in highschool.

“Summers are always fun with them,” Taehyung said while smiling fondly at the kids, “How has it been so far?” he asked.

“I’ve been having a good time. The kids are all really sweet! They have so much energy,” you answer.

“They do indeed, which is why playtime is so important in the morning! It makes what comes next easier,” he winked at you before collecting the empty bowls, “Okay kiddos! Who’s ready for nap time?”

Lucy quietly raised her hand while the boys groaned. You figured it would be hard to get those active boys to settle down, let alone to take a nap. You helped Taehyung set up blankets and pillows in the game room. The kids made a beeline to their designated blankets without a fuss.

“Do you sing, Miss _____?” Taehyung asked out of the blue.

“Um, not really?” you say hesitantly.

“Ah, I see. No worries. Everybody ready?” he said.

“Yes!” all the kids replied.

“Alrighty. Do you have any song requests, Miss ____?”

You thought about which songs would make for a decent lullaby, “Do you know Adore You by Harry Styles?”

“I’ll have to look up the lyrics but yeah I like that song! I like his whole album actually,” Taehyung nodded as he pulled out his phone and took a deep breath, “Walk in your rainbow paradise~”

You were shocked by his vocal talent. His voice control was superb and the quality of his voice was downright euphoric. Even though Taehyung’s voice is deeper than Harry Styles’, his range was incredible. He was still able to go as high as Harry without any trouble. All the kids had fallen sound asleep by the time he finished the song.

“This is when I typically have about an hour of free time,” he said after quietly leading you back into the kitchen.

“You have such a beautiful voice! Do you sing to them every day?” you praised him.

“Thanks! Yeah, I sing to them every day. They used to get duets actually,” Taehyung sighed.

“Did you have another coworker before?” you asked.

“Yep. My best friend actually. He’s my roommate too, but he landed an internship this summer so he couldn’t be here. I’m very proud of him! But usually this is a job for two people so I decided to put that ad out. I’m happy you came out! The kids seem to like you,” Taehyung gave you a thumbs up.

“I hope so! Lucy might be scared of me though,” you recalled the way she mostly avoided you all morning.

“Nah, she’s just really shy. She told me that she thought you were really pretty though, so that’s a good sign!” he tried to reassure you.

“I guess it must be true then. Kids are brutally honest,” you smiled.

“She definitely wasn’t lying,” Taehyung smiled back at you.

You had to look away awkwardly to hide your blushed cheeks. There’s no way you could handle a direct smile from this guy. How was it possible for someone to be that handsome without even trying?!

“So what happens after naptime?” you quickly asked to change the subject.

“Basically more playing until their parents come. It honestly just depends on what the kids wanna do. We can play inside, in the backyard, and sometimes we go to the park,” Taehyung answered with an amused smile, “Let’s use this free time to conduct a more formal interview, shall we?”

Taehyung then asked you a series of questions about your summer schedule, if you’re willing to work every day of the week, how you feel about the kids, along with other things. You answered truthfully and kept up a professional demeanor. Taehyung seemed to be satisfied with your answers and leaned back in his chair.

“That all works for me! The people who really need to approve of you are the parents. I’ll introduce you to them later this afternoon. I’m sure they’ll all be fine once I vouch for you,” he nodded.

Soft giggles caught your attention. Taehyung signaled that break time was now over and led the way back to the living room. Kota and Bel were wrestling each other while the others threw pillows at them.  

“Did everyone have a good nap?” Taehyung sing songed.

“Yes!” they replied.

“Can we play house now?” Ava asked.

“Yeah! Miss ____ can be the mommy now!” Sam bounced up in excitement, “Our last mommy used to be a boy.”

“Jimin was a great mommy and I’m sure he misses you all dearly. Jimin is my roommate/best friend/ex-cobabysitter,” Taehyung explained.

The game of house was more hands on from your end. The kids demanded you to carry them and read them stories like a real mommy would. It was mainly the girls who wanted to play with you, while the boys took turns wrestling with Tae or riding on his back. You were braiding Lucy’s hair when the doorbell rang.

“Kota! Your mom is here!” Taehyung called from the front.

All the kids trickled out one by one as their parents arrived. Taehyung introduced you to each parent; their reactions were all positive, especially when their kids raved about you being the new Jimin.

“If she’s anything like Jimin, then I have nothing to worry about. I trust your judgement, Taehyung,” one of the sterner looking parents said (Sam’s father to be exact).

“Congrats! You got the job,” Taehyung congratulated you once all of the children were picked up, “We get paid on Fridays. I’ll basically just split what we earn 50/50, cool?”

“That’s fine by me! I’m looking forward to working with you,” you bow graciously.

“Ah! No need to be so formal. We’re partners now! I’m not your boss or anything,” Taehyung gave you a friendly pat on the shoulder, “See you tomorrow!”

Summer was about to get rather eventful. All of the children warmed up to you surprisngly quickly, even timid Lucy (who had arguably grown the most fond of you). As the days went on, you couldn’t help but admire Taehyung’s kindness and patience when it came to the kids. From firm to understanding, he was everything a caregiver should be. He handled spats between kids with ease, often by making them forgive each other then laugh at some silly joke of his.

One afternoon, the kids voted to watch a Disney movie. All seven of you curled up on the couch together with you and Taehyung in the middle. Lucy sat in your lap while Bel sat in Taehyung’s. Halfway through the movie, Taehyung fell asleep. The kids didn’t notice since they were so engrossed in the movie. You however, DID notice. Mostly because he rolled his sleepy head onto your shoulder.

Your heartbeat quickened as you slowly turned to take a peek at the handsome man sleeping beside you. He looked angelic, and you realized that he smelled pleasant too. He had a sweet scent that was uncharacteristic for a young man. You took a deep breath and pretended not to notice him. He didn’t wake up until the doorbell rang near the end of the movie.

He seemed to be confused and perhaps even slightly flustered when he lifted his head from your shoulder, but quickly shrugged it off to go answer the door. The incident (and the drool on your shoulder) was never mentioned.

It had been a month since you started babysitting with Taehyung, and it honestly had been a lot more fun than you expected. The kids are wonderful silly little beings and Taehyung is...well...Taehyung.

You were cleaning up the living room on a late Friday afternoon after all the kids had been picked up. Taehyung was somewhere splitting up the week’s paycheck. Once all the toys were back in their respective bins, it was time to gather your stuff and go.

“Great work this week,” Taehyung commended as he handed you your cut.

“Thanks! Same to you as always. I’ll see you on Monday,” you wave as you open the front door.

“Actually um--” Taehyung cleared his throat.

“Yes?” you whipped around with almost too much eagerness.

“My friend is part of an art gallery showing tomorrow night and I was wondering if you’d like to go with me? I heard there will be drinks and finger foods…” Taehyung trailed off, presumably due to imagining what kind of snacks will be served.

“I’d love to! I’m not an expert on art or anything, but it sounds cool,” you smile.

“No worries, I’m no expert either. I’m just a guy who appreciates neat expressions of creativity,” he nodded humbly, “I can pick you up at your place, if you’d like.”

“Sure, I’ll text you my address. Oh uh, what’s the dress code like? I don’t really attend these things,” you ask shyly.

“I’d say a step down from formal? Like no t-shirts or jeans. Pretend like you’re going on a date to some restaurant that isn’t a michelin star but is still classier than Olive Garden,” Taehyung tried to explain.

“I’ll do my best,” you smile at his peculiar way of describing the appropriate attire.

A smile never left your face as you drove home. A chance to hangout with Taehyung one on one without any kids around? All of his attention will be on you? Yes please. You love the kids and all, but you finally have a real chance to get closer to Taehyung. To be honest, you might have the teensiest little crush on him, but who could blame you?

The next day was spent preparing for your night out with Taehyung. It probably wasn’t a date (90% sure it’s not), but you wanted to look irresistible anyway. You put on a purple dress with flowy sleeves that made you feel like a princess. It was on the dressier side, but being slightly overdressed never hurt anyone.

You usually only had time to slap on mascara and a lip tint in the mornings before babysitting, but now you had abundant time to play around with your makeup. You settled for a soft yet glamorous look with shimmery eyeshadow and eyeliner. Sparkly lip gloss tied the whole look together and made your lips look tempting (or so you hoped). You decided to leave your hair alone since you were having a miraculously good hair day.

“Wow are you sure this isn’t a date?” Hyuna whistled when she walked into your room.

“It’s not! This is just the first time Taehyung will see me actually trying to look good,” you say defensively.

“You’re cute even in ratty t-shirts, but I get what you mean. Have fun tonight!” your roommate gave you a tight hug.

A strong knock on your front door indicated Taehyung’s arrival. Hyuna tagged along as you went to answer the door; she wanted to see the guy you’ve been gushing over for the past month for herself.

Your mouth hung open in shock for a split second when you opened the door. Taehyung also dressed up. He was wearing a bright sunflower shirt paired with a black blazer that perfectly combined fun with sophistication. He wore a red silky bandana looking belt for an added pop of color with his black pants.

“Hey Taehyung!” you greet him happily.

“Good evening, Miss ____. You look spectacular!” he complimented you immediately.

“So do you! It’s funny seeing you not in a t-shirt, though I’m sure you’re thinking the same thing,” you say.

“You’re charming even in your graphic tees, but this is a nice change of pace too,” Taehyung agreed.

“Hi! I’m Hyuna, ____’s roommate,” Hyuna butted in to shake his hand.

“Hi, I’m Taehyung, ____’s babysitting partner,” he introduced himself.

“We should get going,” you say politely before Hyuna could start to get chatty.

Hyuna mouthed an exaggerated “oh my god” coupled with a double thumbs up as you waved goodbye after Taehyung was already out the door. You playfully rolled your eyes but blew her a kiss anyway.

“I didn’t realize you lived so close to me,” Taehyung said as he pulled away from the curb.

“Yeah, it made the job even more appealing,” you nodded.

“I really am glad that you applied,” Taehyung said softly, as if to himself.

“Sorry, what was that?” you couldn’t hear him properly.

“Nothing! I said I’m glad you agreed to accompany me tonight!” Taehyung quickly stated.

“Thanks for inviting me out! I’m actually pretty excited,” you admitted.

The gallery was somewhere in the swanky part of downtown. You gazed out of the window at all of the high end stores Taehyung drove by. Everyone walking around the stores looked like supermodels, which was actually pretty intimidating. What if the people at the gallery looked like that too?

“We’re here!” Taehyung announced, interrupting your thoughts.

There was a decent amount of people wandering around the venue when you both entered. It was basically one big dimly lit room with spotlights on pieces scattered around on the walls plus some sculptures in the middle. Thankfully, the patrons already inside looked like normal people, most of them probably students like you.

“Taehyung!” someone called from the side of the room.

You both made your way towards the voice, only to find a man who was just as handsome as Taehyung greeting you with a bunny like smile. He had long hair that almost covered up his assorted dangly earrings. He definitely had art student vibes mixed with a dash of bad boy. The boys greeted each other with a ferocious hug, indicating that they’re probably good friends.

“Oh! What’s up, I’m Jungkook,” the boy shook your hand once he noticed you.

“She’s my babysitting partner this summer,” Taehyung said proudly.

“She’s replacing Jimin huh?” Jungkook laughed, “Taehyung and Jimin are like my brothers. We were all pretty close in college and are batchmates, even though I’m younger than them,” he stuck his tongue out at Taehyung.

“Yeah yeah okay whatever. Skipping grades in elementary school and bringing in a ton of transfer credits will help you do that I guess,” Taehyung shook his head even though he was still smiling.

“Are these your pictures?” you asked Jungkook, motioning to the mounted pictures behind him.

“Yeah! I took most of these in Madrid, I’ve been working abroad for my dream company,” Jungkook answered you proudly.

“Who’s this?” Taehyung pointed to a picture of a girl laughing by a giant tree.

“Yeah, she’s gorgeous!” you added.

“She’s um...a good friend. She was the perfect model,” Jungook said with a faraway look in his eyes that told you there was more to the story.

“Tell me more about her on our next phone call. Tonight is for celebrating you!” Taehyung picked up on Jungkook’s sudden change of tone.

You enjoyed listening to their old college stories as the boys reminisced about their past together. Jungkook relished telling you all of Taehyung’s embarrassing moments at various parties. Taehyung returned the favor by recalling Jungkook’s past run-ins with women. Despite his natural charm and god like looks, apparently Jungkook gets really nervous around girls.

You and Taehyung were on your own once Jungkook was flagged down by an older patron interested in purchasing some of his work. Taehyung stayed close to your side as you explored the rest of the gallery. Each artist was so incredibly talented as their pictures told  stories with just a single frame.

“____ look! They have those fancy charcuterie boards!” Taehyung grabbed your hand and excitedly dragged you over to the snack table. You couldn’t help but smile at his childlike elation.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’ve been getting tired of being force fed fruit snacks every day,” you laughed as you ate the assorted appetizers.

“I completely understand. Unfortunately, the kids are too sweet when they want to share. I don’t have it in me to turn them down,” Taehyung agreed.

Once the food was eaten, you resumed walking through the gallery. It was fun making up stories to go with each picture. Taehyung seemed to gravitate towards adding a romantic twist to each story, while you opted for a bit of mystery. At the end of the event, Taehyung met up with Jungkook once more to say his goodbyes.

“Thanks again for coming with me, I had fun! I hope you enjoyed yourself,” Taehyung said as he drove you back.

“It was really neat! I liked hanging out with you outside of work,” you nodded.

“Would you say it was a successful date then?” Taehyung raised an eyebrow with curiosity. Your heart skipped a beat as your eyes widened with surprise.

“Was...was this a date?” you asked quietly.

“Did you want it to be?” Taehyung teased.

“I wouldn’t have gotten so dressed up otherwise,” you said defensively, taken aback by his sudden cheekiness.

“I realized I should’ve clarified that after you had already left. My bad,” Taehyung shot you a boxy grin, “But then I figured maybe you would be more relaxed if I didn’t mention it.”

“That’s odd logic, but I guess it worked,” you admitted begrudgingly.

Taehyung walked you back up to your house. He sweetly kissed your cheek and bid you goodnight, leaving you frozen in place.

“S-see you on Monday!” was all you were able to stammer out, to which Taehyung just smiled and waved back.

Hyuna happily freaked out with you once you were back inside. She was watching you from the moment Taehyung pulled back up. She shrieked with excitement once you told her that Taehyung confirmed that it was a date. Hyuna didn’t let up with grilling questions about how your night went. She even asked if the Jungkook guy you met was single, to which you truthfully answered that you didn’t know.

“Besides, he told me himself that he’s scared of girls. You’re scary enough as is,” you teased her.

“Oh shut up. So is Taehyung like, your boyfriend now?” Hyuna asked the million dollar question.

“I don’t think so. I think it was just a date, but that’s a good start!” you declared optimistically.

Babysitting on Monday went on like normal. Taehyung didn’t act any differently, which was both concerning and relieving. You were in the backyard pretending to eat whatever dirt concoction the little kids were serving you.

“This one is for you,” Lucy quietly offered Taehyung a clump of dirt sprinkled with blades of grass, topped with a dandelion.

“Oh, how pretty! What is it?” Taehyung played along.

“It’s a love potion. The next person you hug will fall in love with you,” Lucy smiled.

A smirk crept on Taehyung’s face as he pretended to eat Lucy’s love potion. He made a satisfied “Ahh” sound that made Lucy giggle.

“Tae has to hug me now! He loves me the most!” Sam yelled as he ran over to latch onto Taehyung.

“No, Tae loves me!” Bel argued as he pulled on Taehyung’s shirt.

“That’s not how it works!” Lucy huffed as she yelled at the boys.

You watched with delight as the little kids chased Taehyung around the backyard, demanding that he has to hug them. It was easy for him to juke them out as they constantly ran back and forth. You were content with just watching them until Taehyung began to make a beeline for you.

“Oh no no no,” you cried as you got up to run.

Taehyung (and the kids) chased you around for a little bit. The backyard was on the smaller side, so there wasn’t much space to evade all of them coming for you at once. To make matters worse, Taehyung actually started to try and catch you. His speed was no joke; he was much more agile than you gave him credit for.

With one pounce, Taehyung tackled you to the ground. Somehow he managed to whip himself around while you were falling, so you ended up falling on him. Now wrapped up in his arms, Taehyung smiled up at you with a shit eating grin.

“I guess you have to fall in love with me now,” he smirked.

“You wish,” you laughed as you pulled yourself up.

“Aw now he loves Miss _____,” Sam pouted.

“No, now Miss ____ has to fall in love with Tae,” Ava corrected him.

“That’s dumb,” Kota shook his head.

“Tae! Kota said a bad word!” Bel immediately tattled.

“Kota, remember what I said about bad words. No one wants to play with someone who says mean things,” Taehyung chided him.

“Sorry,” Kota mumbled.

“Let’s play go play inside. Who wants juice?” Taehyung patted Kota’s head.

The kids followed Taehyung inside like little ducklings. You loved that sight, you always thought it was the cutest thing. The rest of the day went by without a hitch.

The topic of favorite movies came up during lunchtime the next day.

“I like Frozen 2,” Ava stated, and Lucy nodded furiously in agreement.

“Detective Pikachu was better. Pikachu is funny,” Sam interjected. The other little boys then began to argue about which pokemon was better/stronger.

“I’m not really a big movie watcher,” Taehyung confessed as he took a bite of a dino chicken nugget.

“Have you at least seen the classics? Harry Potter? Lord of the Rings? Star Wars?” you listed with concern.

“I’ve seen Harry Potter and Star Wars. I think I saw the Lord of the Rings? I can’t really remember. I know I wanted to watch the newer Lord of the Rings movies,” he chuckled at your growing disbelief.

“Newer Lord of the Rings? You mean the Hobbit series?” you were disgruntled.

“Yeah those. I didn’t realize you were a nerd,” he nudged you.

“What of it? All of those are great movies. I have copies of the Hobbit series if you ever wanted to watch them,” you offered.

“Do you wanna watch them with me?” he perked up.

“Sure, I love them! You wanna do a marathon? It’ll take up a full day though,” you warned.

“I’m down. Are you free this Sunday?”

“I believe so.”

“Great! I’m excited to see you geek out over hobbits. Okay kids, naptime!”

You drove up to Taehyung’s place Sunday morning, you weren’t kidding when you said it would take all day. Taehyung said to dress comfortably so you showed up in your sweatpants and oversized college tee. He answered the door wearing gray sweatpants and his favorite CELINE shirt. His dark fluffy hair fell over his forehead and was almost long enough to cover his eyes.

“Good morning! I hope you’re hungry. I made some waffles to eat while we watch the first movie,” he greeted you.

His humble abode smelled heavenly as the scent of dough tinged with a hint of cinnamon wafted through the air. The soft belgian waffles were delicious as they practically melted in your mouth. Taehyung asked a ton of questions with nearly every scene, but you didn’t mind. You were happy to flex your knowledge of Tolkien lore.

Hours later, you found yourself cuddled up with Taehyung as the final credits of the Battle of Five Armies began to roll. Taehyung was still trying to process everything that happened as he asked you clarifying questions about each character.

“Well crap, now I’m sad,” he pouted.

“Yeah, the ending is kind of a downer, but that’s what makes it so good! The Lord of the Rings has a happy ending if that makes you feel better,” you look up at him from his chest.

“You look cute like that,” he observed.

“Like what? Tiny from your angle?” you tilted your head.

“I guess so? Tiny, maybe submissive,” Taehyung’s voice lowered with his suggestion.

“Submissive? Is that how you see me?” you sit back up completely with defiance.

“Not at all. You’re pretty feisty, which is why making you be submissive is even more alluring,” he raised his eyebrow in a suggestive manner.

“Do you want me to be a damsel in distress for you? Not happening,” you smirked.

“Pretty princesses are good for one thing,” Taehyung hopped off the couch.

Before you could say anything, he promptly grabbed you and swung you over his shoulder. You were too shocked by his boldness and physical abilities to retaliate.

“They’re perfect for kidnapping!” he let out a dramatic evil laugh as he carried you off to his bedroom.

Once there, he roughly threw you on the bed. You couldn’t help but look around curiously since this was the first time you’ve ever seen his room. It was surprisingly neat; his bed was made and there were no messy clothing piles in sight.

“Are you an evil dragon then? Capturing princesses and such?” you teased.

“Evil dragon, dashing captor, I can be anything you want me to be. Just please not an orc,” he let out a chuckle before getting back into character, “Just know that you’re trapped here with me. No one is going to rescue you.”

“Oh no! What a terrible situation to be in! What on Earth is this extremely handsome dragon going to do with a poor defenseless princess like me?” you taunted.

“Ok this is all very hot but before we go any further, are you okay with this?” Taehyung asked sincerely.

“I can’t think of anything that I’ve wanted more,” you nodded.

“Perfect. Safe word is red,” he winked at you, “Now strip for me, princess.”

“And if I don’t?” you challenged.

Taehyung grabbed a fistful of hair on the back of your head and forcefully brought you up to his face, “I suggest not making me angry,” he sneered.

You didn’t think you were one for being manhandled, but god damn that was hot. There was already a tingle between your legs and he hadn’t even really touched you yet. You complied with his request, and quickly tore off your shirt and pants. Though you weren’t wearing any fancy lingerie, you were wearing a gray bra and gray panties that could pass off as matching.

“Mmm what a pretty treasure. It would be a shame to let it gounappreciated,” Taehyung stretched out that last word as he gently ran his fingers from your torso up to your neck before firmly grasping it.

Taehyung straddled you as his long fingers were wrapped around your neck. Slowly, he leaned down to kiss you. Though apprehensive at first, he gradually got more bold with it. His tongue dipped into your mouth the instant your lips parted. His other hand crept under your bra to fondle your breast.

“You take your clothes off too,” you said as soon as the kiss broke.

“You don’t get to make any demands, silly princess,” Taehyung shook his head.

You pouted and reached out to tug at his pants anyway. Big mistake. Taehyung slapped your hand away and slammed you back onto the bed.

“You don’t listen, huh? I’ll have to do something about that. Stay still or else you’ll make things worse for yourself,” he ordered.

You reluctantly obeyed, partly because you were curious about what he was going to do, and partly because you were actually intimidated by him. He returned back to the bed a few seconds later, but with a familiar silky red belt in hand.

“Give me your hands. Good girl,” he smiled deviously as he bound them together, “Remember the safe word is red, okay?” he gently reminded you.

He looked down at you with a satisfied grin as he began to take off his sweatpants. He had an obvious bulge in his underwear that outlined his massive dick. You were further entranced by his physique when he took off his shirt. He wasn’t ripped, but he was still fit, as you could plainly see when his chest was finally revealed.

“Open wide, princess,” he demanded.

You opened your mouth, and even flattened your tongue out a little bit for him. He pulled his cock out of his underwear, finally exposing his full length. You doubted you could fit even half of him in your mouth, but at this point it wasn’t up to you.

Taehyung lowered himself down to you, and teasingly tapped the tip of his cock on your tongue. He slowly eased himself into your mouth, forcing you to open your mouth even wider to account for his girth. He made his way back out once you gagged. He grabbed your head to hold you steady as he fucked your mouth once more. He got closer and closer to the back of your throat until he finally hit it. All you could focus on was breathing as tears welled up in your eyes. Taehyung thrusted a couple more times before he pulled out completely.

“Good girl indeed. Well done, princess,” he softly stroked your chin before wiping your tears away. All you could do was smile meekly back at him.

“Don’t worry, it’s time for your reward,” Taehyung smiled down at you as his hand slipped under your panties, “Oh you’re so wet. I can’t wait to taste you.”

He positioned himself between your thighs after he tore off your panties. His thumb fiddled with your clit, causing you to squirm. He placed a strong grip on your thigh to hold you down as he circled your clit faster. Your helpless whimpers were music to Taehyung’s ears.

Without warning, he easily stuck two fingers into you. He didn’t even let you adjust as he rapidly fingered you, his fingers curving to graze your g-spot with every stroke. His tongue swirled around your clit, adding even more toe curling sensations.

Him adding a third finger was the catalyst for the strongest orgasm you’ve ever had in your life. There wasn’t even a build up, everything just hit you at once. Suddenly you were crying out even louder as you violently came. Did it occur to you that you were squirting all over Taehyung and his bed? No. Were you doing exactly that? Absolutely.

“Delicious,” Taehyung said as he licked his lips, “Look at the fucking mess you made.”

“I-i’m sorry,” you managed to stutter, you were still recovering from your orgasm.

“It’s only fair that it’s my turn to make a mess now. Do I need to get a condom, princess?” he cooed.

You weakly shook your head. You needed to feel all of him, right now. Taehyung chuckled at your neediness as he aligned himself with your pussy. He slowly inserted his entire length into you until the base of his cock touched your soaked pussy. You moaned together as he stayed still for a second. You looked up to see Taehyung’s face lit up with pure bliss.

“You’re still so fucking wet,” he growled as he began to mercilessly buck his hips into you.

You moaned with every thrust as Taehyung shook the entire bed. Taehyung placed both of your legs on his shoulders, allowing him to hit you even deeper from this new angle. He leaned over to plant his lips on your neck as he fucked you. What started as a gentle peck took a violent turn as he harshly sucked on your neck. He left dark spots wherever his lips touched, and soon you were covered in dark blooms.

“Do you want me to soil your back or your chest?” he asked in a guttural tone.

“Back?” you answer dubiously.

You were immediately flipped over. You were laying flat on your chest waiting for him to prop up your ass, but he never did. Instead, he simply spread your legs wider and fucked you flat against the bed. Taehyung grabbed your ass and spread your cheeks to get a better view of your sopping pussy. You could feel another orgasm brewing as he fucked even deeper into you, and his cock was continuously dragging against your g-spot.

“Taehyung, I--”

“I know, princess. Let it all out. I want to feel you come on my dick,” he demanded.

A few more strong strokes was all it took for you to go limp under him as your orgasm took over. Seconds after you hit your high, Taehyung pulled out and came all over your back.

Once you were all cleaned up, Taehyung untied you and kissed your forehead.

“How was it, princess?” he asked as he stroked your hair.

“I’ve never been fucked by a beast before, but now I don’t want anything else,” you admitted before kissing his neck.

“Good. I was worried about going overboard. As I told you before, I really like getting into character,” he laughed.

“I’ve never been into roleplay but I’m willing to change for you. Oh shit, it’s late already,” you noticed the time on his alarm clock.

“Just stay the night. I don’t think the kids will care if you’re wearing sweatpants or not. I can lend you a turtleneck to cover up those hickies though,” Taehyung yawned.

“Are you sure?” you questioned.

“Yeah, I don’t mind. Be warned, I’m a cuddler,” he pulled you closer to him.

“I guess I can sleep in a little later then,” you reasoned.

“Perfect. Goodnight, princess,” he quickly kissed your lips.

“You’re sleeping like that?”

“Like what?”

“Butt naked?”

“I can put clothes on if it makes you uncomfortable. I just figured it would make things easier for tomorrow morning,” he said sleepily.

“Tomorrow morning?” that got your attention.

“You’ll see! Be patient, princess. Night night.”

Never in a million years would you have guessed that applying for a babysitting job would result in this, but you weren’t complaining.

Published April 17, 2021. No editing, copying, translating, or reposting allowed. All Rights Reserved © 2021 Baepsaesbae.

[siriusmydeer]

Sirius x twin!reader where he runs away and doesn't say goodbye or anything, and they've always had a bad relationship because reader is like regulus and sirius is, well, sirius. baso angst where the reader is now ignoring sirius at hogwarts and sirius is trying to talk to her which is strange because before it was the other way round. she snaps and tells sirius how he knew what would happen if she ran away, and it was that she would get twice as many bad things to make up for sirius not (1)

the forgotten sister

sirius black x fem!twin!slytherin!reader

summary: sirius leaves you with aching despair the the faults that comes with being a black heir.

word count: 2.7k

warnings: child abuse, arranged marriage, angst, mentions of being imprisoned, mentions of death, mentions of violence, being disowned, mentions of death eaters, bad mental health, insinuation of depression, insinuation of a panic attack and bad sibling relationships

a/n: rate this cuz idk how to write angst but this has been sitting in my inbox for so long i’m so sorry

despair.

dejection.

guilt.

it was clear as day in your thought-stricken mind, without a second thought it ran thickly through your families veins for generations. every single heir of the noble house of black had the one ranging emotion of anything in a malicious, loathsome, vile and horrid context.

brothers, they were suppose to protect their siblings, love and nurture them above anyone else. they were suppose to kiss your forehead when you were sad, play with your barbies till they wanted to rip out their eyes because you had nobody else to play with, they were suppose to show another emotion than trepidation.

twins, the bond shared between them in unmatchable to any other sibling, they shared a womb for nine months, a direct bond, no seperation for nine months, thirty nine weeks, two hundred and seventy three days, a total of six hundred, five thousand and seventy hours together. a bond that should last a lifetime, of happiness, absentminded chuckles, homeliness, and love.

that’s what it should have, that’s how it should look in the peering eyes of anyone who had looked upon the similar featured siblings.

sixteen years, the only thing you had receiving in attempts of happiness, absentminded chuckles, homeliness, and love; but not everybody got what they wanted, in return you had received the raw sickly end of despair, dejection and guilt. what could such a young girl do to upset her brother from the very second her life begun? since the first weep that left sirius’ mouth, it almost felt like a duty ringing through your brain like a recurrent lullaby rather than a curse to be ignored by your family, and to only serve them when they deemed necessary for your forgotten presence.

rather than the lullaby on how a spider ran up a web, the only word familiar words in your brain since the ripe age of six was ‘crucio.’ the red tinging flare that sped across your living room like a jolt of lightening from the sky had just become a familiar sight to see at while your panic stricken figure strided through your house for just a few seconds more of peace.

dense words could be shared with your twin, not even a ‘good morning’ on most days. maybe a subtle nod when he first saw you as you both woke from your slumber if you were lucky, maybe even a sparing glance once or twice throughout the day. the first and last born female at the hands of walburga and orion black was simply ignored, a nobody, absolutely and completely nothing.

atleast sirius was there, he may not have spoke to you, or even looked in your direction but his presence in the dreadful household could’ve been enough, enough to put your blearing mind at ease for the night. that you had survived another day, that the next passing day his presence still comforted you because he was still there, that even though he didn’t protect you; he could protect regulus when he deemed fit, and as much as it put you in a absentminded agony, you appreciated his efforts to your youngest brother.

the following morning you woke up, his presence was diminished. his aura had vanished, the pungent smell of nicotine had left no trace on the stygian walls, the husk smell of expensive leather no longer enveloped in your ventilation and the irritating scent of his nose itching cologne was in absentia.

twin-tuition the muggles muttered, when two siblings who shared a whom could know almost everything and anything about each other without a second blip of thought. the walk to his room was excruciating, because in your heart his comforting presence had fled. the pink floyd and beatles posters had been torn from the walls, the mahogany wood from his drawers had been completely dismembered and his closet had been utterly ransacked.

he had left; he had left you.

that was the feeling of despair.

not even a note in his absence, not an explanation, not a second thought, sirius was gone; and sirius was not ever coming back.

the duration of the winter ‘holidays’ had seemingly passed slower than usual with the absence of your brother, the dismembering two weeks had finally been put on hold on your mind. finally finding the will to get out of your bed and put your mental health back to where it could’ve functioned at a less than normal way, the usual way. except you were sent back onto the hogwarts express only clinging onto the younger brother you had left, mind you he would’ve went off the second he stepped aboard but three seconds with your brother could’ve put you off for nine hours.

there was no will to try, no persuasive black ‘i get what i want’ attitude left churning in your system, the feeling of disgust trembling through your veins that your family would never accept you as long as you remained ‘y/n’ and not ‘y/n black,’ so you had to do what was right to protect regulus. because even though his nurturing feelings were inattentive, you would still do what was necessary to protect him.

if you weren’t the keen resemblance of your family you could’ve believed that you were adopted, having no will to become a follower of the dark lord, and no will to produce dark magic.

yet, you did what you had to do, an action that in no way would have been thought about for you; but you had what the other noble heirs lacked, compassion.

every corner you turned you had no will to search for the gryffindor brunette, your eyes didn’t erratically search for his searing silver irises, you didn’t attempt to decipher the red and gold colours from the green and silver that could’ve been crowded amongst the library, or the great hall. any will you had left for the receiving end of love from your family had utterly vanished.

that was the feeling of dejection.

sirius knew that prior years to hogwarts that you had rapidly searched for him in every single corner, mind you even there was a possibility he wasn’t there; you never faltered, you still gaped intently. it gave him the slight aching pain that he carried with himself, but the viridescent green you wore had him believing that you were simply no better than lucius malfoy or evan rosier.

it began to itch at his neck that you no longer had the need to know if he cared, if he was in the same room as you, if you even had the decree to call him your brother anymore. seemingly, you were always in between the walls of the library, a vermillion, maybe amber hued book sturdy between your hands in your grasp as you flipped the pages.

if you hadn’t shared the infamous last name, people would have never believed the two of you were what you called siblings, twin brother and sister. the epitome prankster, outgoing, and womanizer of hogwarts, the timid, skittish, quiet pureblood slytherin; and they just happened to share the same blood.

the female twin adorned reading, not because each book had different words carved upon its ivory paper, and not because there were hidden messages upon the words she so happen to enjoy deciphering but she loved reading partially because it allowed her to cry over someone else’s sadness when she could no longer identify her own.

her heart left sunken, submerged into somebody else’s misery because her own feelings enough weren’t able to bare.

he was silent for once, his mouth not barking up a laugh with his mates, he wasn’t sauntering around like he owned hogwarts himself, he was timidly walking into the depths of the library that were hidden from students. he was suddenly thoughtless, but his mind was not clear, and now face to face with the ghost of his sister; someone whom he had no intention to know, but now the wave of empathy ridden into his bloodstream as he saw the sudden tears glaze her eyes.

“you— you don’t look for me anymore. i noticed that, you don’t try and, try and look.” he started almost rudely, the first sentence he had ever uttered to his sibling was assumably how she didn’t care for his presence anymore. he was unable to produce many words at his shock, his nimble fingers anxiously shoving themselves into the grey slacks he had boughten for this years semester.

“i tried, at first. but you’re not worth a look anymore, sirius, because everywhere i go, the shadow of you is all i see.” as you contributed your words they only continued to be more broken, and stammered. the whimper in your tone clear as day as you spoke to someone you once called family, and now a sudden stranger.

“you left sirius, you left your sister, you left your brother. you left the people that needed you most because you’re selfish, you were thinking of you, not of us. so you don’t fucking deserve to be considered anymore, you don’t earn my respect on being thought about, sirius,” you were tired, achingly tired of fighting. you were tremendously exhausted of trying to fight for just a tinge of acknowledgments from your family members.

“you knew if you ran and you didn’t take us with you it would get worse, and you did it anyway. that makes you a coward, i guess the sorting hat does make mistakes after all.” you concluded, now wearied from your brother suddenly giving you the time of day when you don’t care to yearn for it anymore. his decisions affecting you single-handedly the most, your emotions no longer considering his aching feelings as his sister dismissed him at the similar treatment you had recurrently received.

“now i’ve got this penetrating, life altering ink on my wrist, because of your foolish actions. i have to pay for it, and a husband awaiting me. so now that you’re going all cry baby on me because i don’t try and find you anymore, you can stick your dreary where it came from because your damage is done.”

he had no thoughts, no words, completely ambushed. his older twin sister, someone whomst he adorned as his role model as a young boy, something he would never admit to as a child due to his stubborn nature, was now a death eater and profused in an arranged marriage because he couldn’t give a thought about his despairing twin. but now sirius had finally revived the raw end of the final emotion,

he had felt the emotion of guilt.

because even though he was trying to scoundrel some effort of empathy towards you the only thing displayed in front of him was the way your eyes spoke a thousand words but no one ever took the time to read them.

he never took time to read them.

“you need to leave— you need to run! w—why are you still there?” he started to hastily question as he peered at you erratically. his mind suddenly starting to boggle with questions as to why you would keep yourself in such a harmful situation, why you wouldn’t just run like he did.

it was simple to you, you weren’t selfish, you weren’t sirius.

“because i cannot leave regulus in that god forsaken house, the dark lord and his pesky followers would find me, and our parents would torture me, and murder me without remorse.” you finished, saying it too him like you had scribbled it upon a paper and practiced reading it every night like you were preparing for an exam, as if you would be questioned and persuaded to leave under the hands of your parents.

“i heard you— with regulus, you wanted to take him but not me. you almost brought him with you to the potters,” you revealed to the gryffindor, finally having the will to tell him clearly, on how he had wronged you in life and that there was absolutely nothing he could do to fix his actions.

“why do you never pick me sirius? why do you not want me as your sister? ‘ve always tried to protect you, why haven’t you done the same?!” at first your tone was monotone, almost dead but as your words continued your patience grew shorter and your rage grew larger.

your hand further having to clasp over your mouth by the end of your sentence before your classmates would’ve have gotten curious, and nosy at the altercation that was happening between the death eater and the disowned behind the shelves.

“i don’t— i don’t know, i just, s’different.” he was left thinking in confusion as to why he treated you differently, maybe it’s because you were the eldest, maybe you were female and in his eyes you possibly resembled his mother, maybe he had absolutely no idea as to why he treated you different.

“you dont— you don’t know? suddenly when i don’t give a shit about you, your yearning for your older sisters love. well guess what sirius, you’re not going to get it. your damage is done and there’s nothing to reverse it; so bugger off with your gryffindor mates, and your new family. if you want regulus to have a decent life from what he can live left, take him now before they take him too.” you concluded,

your first and last conversation occurring with your brother, several words left unsaid as you left him dumbfounded in the library, feeling the shoulder on shoulder collision as you left.

breathe in, breathe out. simple, again, again, again. the valley of tears were almost screaming at your waterline to let loose, to cry, to scream, to do something, anything. perhaps instead, you stood astonishingly still inside the girls lavatory, thinking, just thinking.

‘what did i do in my past life to deserve this now’ it was a simple and clear question, one that could never be answered, one without an explanation.

but yet you yearned for such a simple, yet complicated answer, maybe in another life sirius had the will to know you, your parents had the decree to love you, and maybe you weren’t sent down a path of affliction.

but that was another life, it wasn’t yours.

time went by, seconds, minutes, hours, weeks and years. they flew by, and now you were no longer that sixteen year old girl. you were eighteen, dressed in ivory with a small train at your feet, makeup painted on your eyelids, a small veil placed onto your head and your hands throughly squeezed in another’s; with the dreadful matching injected ink into your inner left fore-arms.

as the years had flew to that moment, lost was a lovely place to find yourself, but it simply wasn’t enough; it would never be enough. you had to wear the mask, ever noble heir of black had their own personal one, the one that covered every detailed flaw of you.

because after watching both of your brother’s, your supposed nurturers, your protectors, the ones that were suppose to love each and every bit of your aching soul left, you never realized how strong you had to be until being strong was your only choice that remained.

because in essence happiness is just blissful delusion, that esentially wouldn’t last forever no matter how exceedingly much you pleaded to merlin for it too last a second, maybe a minute if you were lucky.

but noble heirs of black weren’t lucky, they were cursed. and now you were finally brought upon to carry the tradition your children would be barred with, now carrying the last name of ‘dolohov.’

still remembering clear as day, like the sun was beaming into your viewpoint that one conversation you had shared with sirius in the library. the despairing love still left in your heart for your brother, your brother who stood up for regulus.

no matter how much they dismissed you as their protector, as their sister, as someone who loved them, you would always carry love for them in your trembling heart. after the amount of curses you took in their place, the screaming threats, the weeps from both of your brothers that stained your clothes, the times you had to face your parents in their absence.

you still had love for them, even if it wasn’t returned.

perhaps someday when you found the courage you crawl back home, beaten, defeated, maybe half dead. but not as long as you could remember the mark of family embedded into your heart, and your arm.

the noble heir’s of black, imprisoned, dead, and married off.

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