#THAT is better than davekat. not sorry

[cgtg]

What did you see in Dave and Karkat relationship to make you write their interactions so well? (It's really impressive tbh, at least for me)

Like, did something snapped one day, and you started understanding how they balance each other or just how they "work"? (Sorry if it's hard to understand what I'm trying to say. It's quite hard to put what I'm thinking into words)

man thank you so much

i think you worded yourself totaly fine, the problem here is i dotn know how to succinctly define what i see in them

ive always thnought that dave and karkat bounce off each other rly well. i was obsessed with davekat as a kid too. between 2016-23 smth softly clicked into place for me.

what do i see in it? i dunno. in my interpretation, it's just... realness ?

its longform candid pointless comfort. its changing each others nicknames in the server, its making fun of a spelling error, its "fragging a noob", its a youtube letsplay of a game you thought you'd hate, it's meandering around your point and then stabbing it with ur own impatience, its feeding the trolls on your amv. its genuine interest in each other, hoping someone specific likes your post, being scared to go outside and being scared to stay inside. it's checking the comments against better judgement, its sampling their voice in your bgm. it's a combined pressure to be something the other person doesnt get, but does. its a very potent push&pull simultaenous in both directions. its "un"stoppable force vs "im"movable object. it's a puzzle & theres somethin very vital at the heart of it about turning around & seeing someone that sees you right back, like it or not. through a screen or through shades or eye2eye. inverted & subverted, exactly the same

it can be like 500 things at once, its so nebulous but always rly specific to them. you cant get this dynamic with any other characers, not in anything ive ever seen. unless u made ocs that act like em i guess. it is one of a kind

i didnt rlly get this stuff when i was a kid. i mostly shipped them bc my answer to any rivalry was "wat if they kisd", and theyre cool characters. i used to focus on the tension when i was a kid. theres a lot more to it than that.

because its also this BTW.

[davekat-sucks]

To be fair to Karkat, while I don't defend the sexist remarks

*proceeds to defend the sexist remarks, say karkat has every right to be a bitter fuck, while also framing jade as a thirsty homewrecker that is desperate for dave to "rawdog" her, and saying she's so disgusting that that's why he doesn't fuck her, and the main party to blame for the RETARDED war that was used as an excuse for Karkat to commit genocide*

nah dog, i'm tired of the karkat stans, they are truly as bad as dave's thirsty fangirls that said terezi was at fault of being abused and that she cheated on him with gamzee, that dave did NUTHIN WRONG in breaking up with her and not defending HIS GIRLFRIEND from gamzee or helping HIS SISTER with her alcoholism and putting all the responsibility onto Kanaya. all while karkat did fucking NOTHING either.

karkat was ALSO the only canonical homewrecker that was so fucking horny of getting his micro penis wet that he always butted between jade and terezi's relationship with dave, and complained like a whiny bitch about how neither of those girls liked him better than dave, all while also writing a fucking SCHEDULE to quadrant share terezi with dave. because he never fucking saw terezi as anything more than a fleshlight, same goes for jade, because while jade was crying with jadesprite over their own mortality after sacrificing herself for John, Karkat's weasely ass got horny while he imagined them kissing. he's disgusting.

and if you don't agree, answer me, WHY did they switch this aspect of Karkat and gave it to JADE and ROSE, so they could frame BOTH OF THEM as a horny desperate homewreckers that want to molest/sexualize him and useless uncaring wombs, instead of MAKING KARKAT ACCOUNTABLE OF *HIS* OWN FUCKING MISTAKES?

because they are sexist, and want to sell merch of karkat getting rawdogged by dave.

so no anon, i dont give a single fuck about what meenah's dildo has to complain about.

go through the karkat tag on this blog or read this post on everything wrong surrounding his writing, i'm tired of this bullshit of woobyfying this manchild because everyone gaslight themselves into thinking he was always a good character.

https://www.tumblr.com/davekat-sucks/778993336378966016/look-im-sorry-but-i-just-cant-get-over-this?source=share

Very well said, Anon.

[sammygender]

things about homestuck i have discovered in my reread

terezi is my favourite character and will always be

caliborn is fucking HILARIOUS jesus christ somehow i forgot this (he hasnt got to the misogyny yet that part gets kind of less funny)

dave and karkat kind of ARE that good, regrettably. i feel like we all go through a davekat phase upon first reading and then gradually we get over dave and karkat and move onto other, better pursuits, like vrisrezi fanfiction or space player meta. rereading tho man they are excellent… not the most compelling characters of COURSE and really more like babys first analysis in terms of dissecting them, but man they are funny, man their emotional arcs are vivid and well written, man they are hilarious together also (penis ouija. yeah that was funny). coming out as a dave and karkat fan once again

homestuck in general but especially the start of act 6 is INCREDIBLY funny. for some reason i thought act 6 was less funny and more like plot-heavy which i guess it kind of us to an extent cause most of it is now Relevant all the time but oh my god the alpha kids are a trainwreck and its so funny

on the subject of the alpha kids. last time i properly read homestuck i was like 14. i had never experienced being the same age of the alpha kids and now looking back its insane. that is LITERALLY what being 15/16 is like. the romantic chaos the constant miscommunication the way this group of best friends just somehow have so many fucking problems with each other??? and the COMPLEXES. my god

appreciating roxy more this time round than i ever did before she rubbed me a little the wrong way first read i think maybe bc everyone heralded her as like The Unproblematic Alpha Kid when like oh my god she is a fucking MESS but when looking at her through that lens shes fantastic

jade harley should be mean more often. every PASSWORD FUCKASS interaction was an absolute delight. man she should get more page time

vriska is indefensible when u first meet her its so hard explaining to people that shes like The Fucking Best when she spends most of her intro mocking the guy she paralysed for being paralysed. sadly, she still IS the fucking best.

did i mention terezi pyrope is my favourite character ever in anything

i still cant pay attention to anything exile related i'm sorry. i just look at the pretty pictures and skip through it quickly as possible. if they dont have complex psychology and fun conversations idc sorry im a bad hs fan

calliope is both a delight and so wrong like all of the time. reading her i see where all the fandom misconceptions come from. ur not meant to take her word as 100% serious when she says stuff like male/female classes or whatever!! she sees everything through this incredibly binary 2 choice lens like caliborn bc thats literally the life she lives. this is also extra funny i guess considering shes literally kind of meant to represent the hs fandom

LIL HAL <33333333

sorry that so much of this is about the alpha kids im part way into act 6 now

dirkjake so far have not had a single interaction and iirc they never do??? fascinating storytelling since we still have a perfect picture of their dynamic

terezi is characteristically being stupid about vriska again, because she is complicatedly and unwittingly in love with her

DAVEREZI FOR THE FUCKING WIN MY GOD. THEYD NEVER WORK ENDGAME BUT THEY ARE SO FUNNY TOGETHER LITERALLY BFFS. no romance tho just vibes

does rose get confirmed as a lesbian later in the text or is that just a fandom interpretation cause ngl i have seen people harassed over bi rose which is kinda crazy anyway but would be even crazier if its not. an actual canon fact

LE SIGN IS UNIVERSALLY ACKNOWLEDGED TO MEAN TOO BAD HES GAY YOU OBTUSE DUNDERFUCK from roxy compared to poor dirk calling the word gay antediluvian. man just wants to like jake in peace

honestly everything alpha kid wise is insane lets just. put it there

I MISS VRISKA

terezi is my favourite also have i said that already

[daedalusdavinci]

2023 Tumblr Top Ten

1. 139 notes - Aug 20 2023

2. 82 notes - May 6 2023

MY Davekat Fic Recs

3. 78 notes - May 6 2023

Superbat Fic Recs

4. 55 notes - May 10 2023

Q: 42. Foolish - twobats

Bruce awoke with panic flaring in his chest. There had been a hand on his shoulder. Alfred and the kids knew better than that, and so instinct took over, grabbing the offending arm and yanking. Before he was even fully awake, Bruce had rolled and pinned a man underneath him, an arm drawn back to knock him out. “Wait, wait, wait, Bruce-" Bruce blinked hard, and in the darkness, the details of the figure started to come together. Harvey- or was it Two Face? had one hand pinned above his head, the other raised defensively. "Some way to treat your bedfellows." "Dent,” Bruce breathed, letting his hand fall. He gripped his collar instead, rolling his fist into the fabric. “Why are you here?”

5. 54 notes - Feb 6 2023

Q: 7 couldn't you wait to kiss me at home with bruharv perhaps

He was old, now. Gray confused the line between white hair and dark brown, swept back and fussed with the way Harvey preferred. The skin grafts made his wrinkles look deeper on the left side of his face, clustered across his forehead and around the corners of his mouth. His glasses were sharp and square, perfectly distinguished, and his suit was a loud white and black, paired with a purple turtleneck that fit him nicely. He looked as beautiful as the day Bruce had met him, but settled into himself, finally finding balance as the years turned. Confidence looked dangerously attractive on him, but his smile was as golden warm as ever. “Harvey,” Bruce greeted, reaching for his cane to rise and meet him. “Oh, sit down, Bruce.” Harvey pushed a cup of coffee into his hand, gently forcing him back into his seat. He stooped to press a kiss against his cheek, the tilt of a smile warm against Bruce’s skin. “I just wanted to make sure you got it before it went cold. You’re running over time.”

7. 40 notes - Feb 15 2023

Q: Meaningful gestures 30. "Wow, you really did your research, huh? That's amazing..." is eating my brain because of college!Bruharvey. Like, this doesn’t have to be a prompt but just picture Harv/2-F’s reaction to seeing Bruce do research just to help them. (I can’t decide what would be better, Harv or 2-F fronting in the moment they find out.)

The stack of books on Bruce’s desk feels like an impossible tower, its shadow looming over Harvey the way his father used to during those late nights, clothes disheveled and beer still in hand. Except, it’s not like that at all. It’s huge and overwhelming, terrifying in its size, but its scary because of what it represents- not what it might do. The hit comes before Harvey ever knows he has to brace for it, finding an unguarded place in his ribs and striking straight through to his heart. The air leaves his lungs. His steps stagger. His hands feel shaky and his knees are untrustworthy, at risk of giving out beneath him at any minute. They’re just books. They’re just books. It’s what Bruce does. He inhales knowledge like his life depends on it, drawn to every bit of esoterica he can get his hands on. It shouldn’t matter. But it does.

8. 40 notes - Feb 7 2023

Q: 10) I have never been this sick before I'm sorry did I, haha this is so weird, but did I confess my love for you? f- four times? yeah? haha oh, superbats

Alfred said it was the flu. Not Ivy’s newest batch of toxin, or Tetch’s mind control, or the lasting effects of a JLA fight gone wrong, or even a stomach bug from eating Tim’s latest feeble attempt at cooking while desperately trying to practice to impress his boyfriend. It was just the plain old flu. And Bruce had never felt worse. Alfred said it probably wouldn’t have been half as bad if he hadn’t gone out to patrol in the snow, multiple times, even after being warned not to. Damian said it probably wouldn’t have been half as bad if he hadn’t insisted on testing those antitoxins on himself recently. Jason said he’d slipped a viral strand of zombie DNA into his coffee grounds the last time he swung by, and it was only after Cass pointed out the coffee grounds also would’ve poisoned half the house that he realized Jason was most certainly just fucking with him. Duke said he should probably run the tests just in case, because the freezing batcave would certainly do him a lot of good, and somehow that entirely reasonable suggestion just wound up making Alfred more frustrated than ever. And then Alfred did the unthinkable. He called in the cavalry.

9. 39 notes - May 6 2023

My Riddlebat Recs

10. 39 notes - Jan 12 2023

Snow Day

Ships: Matches Malone/Harvey Dent

AU: Harvey Dent adopts Jason Todd

Word Count: 5,537

Summary:

On cold days, particularly after long nights, there are few things better than a good, long sleep. Especially if that sleep is accompanied by a henchman who’s so much more, and a squirmy teen still freezing from the snow he didn’t dress for, despite Harvey’s warnings.

Created by TumblrTop10

[cerulean8looded]

Okay you know what? I’m gonna say it. I’m fucking devasted that we got DaveKat instead of DaveTav. Yes, I like DaveKat. I like it a lot! However. The situation parallels between RoseMary and DaveTav were so good? Both trolls contacted the other human for advice on how to deal with the situation. They both had fucking fantastic dynamics. I simply want Tavros to be happy. Why did Hussie do this?

[wowfkntrashy]

Avoiding doing work at my job so I decided to draw some idiots instead.

[cure-typhoon]

While i love Davekat, I kinda really hate how Karkat has just become "the boyfriend"

How he now is just Dave's boyfriend who is a really emotional guy who likes bad romance movies and is grumpy all the time (but that for some reason doesnt involve black/pale/ash romance anymore because reasons I guess) and kisses Dave's problems away while ignoring his own i guess

And how people kinda forget all his other relationships! Like yeah Dave is his boyfriend but he has other friends! Pre-game karkat had 11 friends!! Post-game Karkat has June, Jade and Rose as well! I don't think he made a string bond with the alpha kids but i'm sure we could at least try to come with one lol

People make him such a boyfriend that they forget that he is his own character with issues (guy with anger issues who lives in murder planet who cannot share that he cares not only because it would be considered weird but also because his existence is fucking illegal and he does not need the attention it would bring him) and a person who makes strong bonds with other people and cares so much (like I said, ELEVEN friends pre-game, pulled together by scotch tape so they don't kill eachother, like i'm sorry but He was a good leader! Everything just burned and crashed together because they we're unlucky!! They literally had no hope, thats why things turn out that way!), he makes such an impresion on June that she still wants to meet him even when they talked for ONE DAY and he was an ass for most of it!!

Anyway dumb long rant, I didnt even talked about how davekat affected Dave but tbh i'm sure someone who knows him better as a character would make a better job than me anyway

[nana2009]

Perhaps some more Danny with davekat if you are sill taking requests? Like maybe some domestic davekat and Danny is also there?

so sorry 4 the wait anon! i couldnt think of many domestic scenarios, so i hope u can forgive me with these doots + sum headcanons m(_ _)m

With Dave:

baby Danny really likes to bite him! Especially since human flesh is soft, so it gets addicting for a growing wriggler……

it's very much fun to climb up his parents', but his favourite playground is dave since he's taller and bulkier. on the same topic, he also prefers dave to carry him (one of the motives is the one cited above)

he gets more naughty and playful when dave tries to take care of him. examples include: bathtime, feeding, getting dressed, being put to sleep, etc. while he is more well-behaved with karkat(albeit still fussy like all kids)

human and troll body warmth are different, and although karkat's mutation makes him very warm, it's a little too much to the kid, which makes him rather cuddle to dave(specifically under his arms or even worse, directly on top of his nose…)

he acidentally pinches dave sometimes when being held, but it's not on purpose :(

kinda weird one, but when danny's in a vulnerable position(ex.: using his diaper) he gets alert when dave(or anyone other than karkat) is around, and stares straight into their soul. troll instincts not fully identifying him as a lusus or smth idk

With Karkat:

as i mentioned before, much better behaved with karkat, although it may be because he's much more strict than dave

even if he prefers dave in question of comfort, he would rather stay with karkat if possible, since troll reasons idklolz

karkat grabs him by the scruff like a kitten because i think thats cute

more cat-like habits include: getting super close to danny if he feels threatened, keeping very close watch no matter where(at least during his toddler years), purring and chirring to make him feel safe :3

danny likes climbing karkat too, but its really so he can stay either on his chest or his hair(his favourite parts in question of warmth)

they share much more common interests, although personality-ways he matches more with dave

on the topic of personalities, he's very ill-tempered. not as much as karkat, but he's much quicker to explode(especially as a little grub!)

and another thing relating to his troll/human hybrid thing, his instincts really collide with eachother, since dave is not a troll, danny subconsciouly think of it as danger but also as a lusus, while the human genes stop him from like, screeching or attacking or crying since it knows its his parent and doesn't have the "stranger danger" signal. I might get in depth on that hybrid effect in another post if you guys get interested but for now thats it since i dont want to make this post long (ﾉ∀＼*)

again, sorry again anon!!

bonus image :3 whatthehell is this font

[wifegideonnav]

well i… finished act 5 act 2. gonna have to rewatch cascade a bunch of times and probably read the act summary on the wiki but i have officially reached the end of the act

still enjoying it a lot but it’s getting harder and harder to read. summing up a rant i gave my friend, i’m not super in love with the sense of predestined futility - or more accurately, i don’t feel that the narrative has properly addressed that yet and justified why i should be reading about these characters who were like 100x doomed from the start.

there are so many characters and so much happening that nothing is lingered upon, which is nice pacing-wise but not so nice emotional-impact-wise. i also think the “everybody dies a bajillion times and it’s fine until all of a sudden it’s not” thing works against it in a sense, especially when the narrative doesn’t stop to mourn anyone who’s actually dead, bc by the time you realize hey wait maybe like. vriska or dad or feferi/nepeta/equius etc are dead for real it’s been like 200+ pages and you’re like well ok. what do i do here exactly.

and i know that that’s an intentional choice hussie made for how he wanted to craft his narrative - im wishing for things that he deliberately chose not to give. im not trying to say that these choices are flaws in his writing, just that as an audience member i tend to prefer the tlt method of dealing with death, where one main character dies and then the entire next book is about another ripping herself apart because of it.

im not giving up by any means, or even saying that this is what’s dominating my reading experience. like i said im still enjoying myself and appreciate most of the creative decisions that hussie is making. it can just feel very draining i suppose, watching these characters i’ve come to care about - almost all of whom are literal children - fighting so hard so futilely, and so far, imo the narrative hasn’t paid that off. however, with that out of the way, here are (some of, bc this shit was long as hell) my thoughts on the act, more or less in order:

i have literally no interest in johnkat. probably partially bc my friend is so into davekat that ive been conditioned to just wait for that to happen but also bc they have no chemistry. sorry to any johnkat shippers out there but idc it’s boring

i have slightly more but still negligible interest in john/vriska. probably bc i… don’t really care about john. sorry to any john stans out there but idc he’s boring

karkat and terezi sharing a keyboard to argue my beloved

rose my beloved. but also. sweetie :/

vriska my beloved. but also. SWEETIE :/

kanaya my beloved. you’re doing great no notes

oh yeah dave and terezi manipulated the stock market. still don’t 100% understand that but whatever good for them

yeah ok the dream bubbles. christ. like ok i GET it but they’re still annoying

i love jade’s dynamic with karkat she really goes from “teehee im just a silly little girl haha” to “im going to eviscerate this motherfucker”

bec prototyping himself was genuinely such a good reveal

is it just me or is john's power like. way lamer than the other kids' lmao. like it's still cool, def better than nothing, but come on

not too much to say abt the exiles but i love them

also with all the fucking timeline bullshit that's going on i literally can't wait to reach the end and reread with the uhsc mod that lets you follow a specific person's timeline. i canNOT keep track of what's happening when for who

it is literally so funny that vriska has been the cause of jade's narcolepsy this entire time. like wow girl you really took the opportunity to be a massive dick to her huh

LET'S BE SANTA

frogs. ok sure. why not.

fuck doc scratch all my homies hate doc scratch. i will say though. he is a fantastic character.

holy shit eridan and gamzee snapping and killing like everyone. that was buckwild what the fuck. not gonna lie idc that equius is dead, and nepeta, feferi, and tavros were never my faves. but got damn it sucks that they're dead. (ostensibly. still not one thousand percent convinced)

sad karkat :(

murderous kanaya :D

WV "DRIVING" AHHHH

oh god the ancestors. sorry but i simply do not care about that shit. like i know that they're actually relevant but. :/

also i don't like the trope of chains of events being echoed across generations. like damn get your own plot. also it ties into that determinism and futility that i'm grappling with

i will say though. mindfang mentally thanking redglare for taking her arm because then her battle against his honorable tyranny because it made it "a fair fight"? hot. i'm brave enough to say it.

aradia is cool as fuck. i wish we got more of her/her personality

aradia's ancestor is also cool as fuck. sucks that literally nothing she did to resist her fate worked or mattered

the scratch stuff is genuinely interesting narratively/in terms of a plot device. again it still sucks that the beta kids aren't actually going to get to win the game themselves. like i assume they'll be talking to/guiding the alpha kids but like. god it's so unfairrr i bet there'll be angst about this

rose going grimdark is so fun. also LMAO john trying to chat with her in that flash game portion

TEREZI god i love her. sucks that she killed vriska tho bc i love her and also i ship them. oh well murder is not necessarily a roadblock to them getting together. troll romance sure is weird. i have hope in my heart.

vriska isn't dead forever bc no she isnt <3

the betty crocker shit. is funny. and also stupid as hell.

SAD KARKAT :((

ok i guess the stuff about karkat's ancestor and the history of the troll race is kinda interesting. whatever.

everyone's in love/hate with gamzee all of a sudden?? literally why. troll romance sure is FUCKING confusing

that was a pretty anticlimactic climax to the gamzee situation, gotta say

cascade was confusing as fuck i don't have thoughts on it yet

so yeah that's it! if you're still reading, why? let me know what your thoughts on act 5 act 2 were when you read it, or your thoughts on my thoughts lol. just pls no spoilers for anything past cascade!!

[davekat-sucks]

> If johndave were the endgame ship of the comic it's not just the better choice due to their chemistry, but also possibly a more geniune gay couple than davekat

Anything would have been better than davekat. sorry. Also im probably a newfag, but I guess I have oldfag preferences, I remember reading homestuck as a preteen in 2016, most of it going over my head, but i remember thinking that all the tension building up fell totally flat after the "Retcon" or around that point. Genuinely the "retcon" lobotomised homestuck. I mourn what could have been

It really could have been amazing. Standing alongside other names like FNAF, Undertale, and more. But sadly, Homestuck couldn't reach to those heights.

[jaketism]

HOMESTUCK TIME gimme ur thoughts onnnnn karkat. or kanaya

OH YESSS OK. i'm gonna do both if that's alright

karkat -

first impression: hey it's karkat from karkalicious

impression now: i am holding him gently in my hands and he is biting me but i don't care. he's so autismbestie <3

favorite moment: this is hard ughhhh uhm. hm. i rlly like the stuff he does at the end. like the shift in perspective he has on what strength is and what his aspect means and stuff. also a big fan of penis ouija sorry to be basic but it's funny

idea for a story: the post canon davekat lonelyeyes style series of divorces i have in my brain... they will always end up together but it's gonna take a lot of work on both sides before it's sustainable yknow?

unpopular opinion: he has more tboy swag than dave! i get why trans dave is popular (projection) but it doesn't at all line up w my perception of the characters. can more people see the truth (karkat tboy swag) pls

favorite relationship: his friendship with kanaya... it's beyond pale it's something alternia had no real words for because it's familial loveeeeeeeeee. oh it's so good. davekat close second sorry for being basic. i am doing it differently if that makes it any better.

favorite headcanon: autism. also transgender but mostly autism. which iiiiiii think is just text but i've gotten weird pushback on it before so :/

kanaya -

first impression: omg she's a virgo like me :D

impression now: she's so... girl you do not have to take care of all your friends you do not have to be responsible for them you are 13 and that's okay you can just be their friend... motherhood can be your future but it shouldn't consume your present. basically i like her a lot i want to therapize her.

favorite moment: WHEN SHE CUT ERIDAN THE FUCK IN HALFFFFFFF

idea for a story: i think about earth c a lot... i think about how teenaged relationships change as people become adults and what she and rose would be like 100 years post-act 7. which isn't a story really it's just kind of vibes and shapes i rotate in my mind

unpopular opinion: if you think she's good at being the mom friend you're bad at reading. she's not a good auspistice she's not more grown up or responsible or smarter than the rest of the trolls she's scared and trying to be who she thinks she has to be

favorite relationship: rosemary.... i love the light motifs it was one of the first things that made me take homestuck seriously as a text worth analyzing not just a silly thing i was reading to prove i could

favorite headcanon: oh hmmmmm. hm. thinking. i think contrary to fandom belief she is not good at making clothes for Everyone she's rlly good at making clothes for herself and her light player narrative obsessed crushes

[tomatograter]

do you have any thoughts on trans girl jake? i thought their narrative and character arc on being specialized by the others, and being comfortable about themself will wrap up nicely with them ending up as a transgirl!! it defies what people expects of them, and breaks them out of the traditional idealized reoccurring masculinity theme (which jake was obviously uncomfortable with)

(what follows is my personal thoughts, i’m not laying down the word of God, i just have Thots on Jake English ALSO THIS IS A PRETTY LONG POST? IM SORRY. i promise i will include pics.) 

Jake English is a gender mimic. He’s the ‘raised by wolves’ trope, except instead of literally being raised by dog like Grandpa Harley he had a few years with Jade and then mostly nothing but the monsters at lusii island and a crap-ton of escapist media. He’s used to having a full playing field where he can indulge in unquestioned fantasy, and that comes in the form of his Indiana + Croft sexy 2000′s hero persona that is comfortable for him (and its worthy of note how one is Peak masculinity and the other is Peak femme fatale) until he has to really interact with real people with Expectations and Biases. 

This is where i need to talk about the alphas. It’s nearly impossible to talk about Jake without talking about how he adapts around other people, specially the ones that he truly gives a shit about. Jake selectively picks the opinions that matter to him, and these are mostly what the other alphas think. (Compare to how he speaks over Erisol, jesters around Caliborn, and mostly pumps his own self pity with Tavrosprite for compliments- If you don’t want to count the epilogues scene he has with Davekat which mostly boils down to “you might have a point, but i’m loyal to jane, so you’ll have to really convince me of politics.”)

What holds him back from dating Dirk is Jane’s opinion, and What Jane Could Think (which is in no way jane’s fault, just his overthinking) because unlike dirk’s high octane masculinity, she’s the pillar of sitcom normalcy in his life. She lives in the real world, mostly removed from the bullshit the rest of the alphas are in, and she’s written to be the ideal generic romcom youth living a perfectly picture worthy life. The disastrous conversation where Jane denies her feelings is prompted by Jake finding confirmation she’s into him via Roxy- and he immediately grows nervous of that meaning she wouldn’t “approve” him going any other way, or that it’d be weird for a boy like him. And he needs to be sure before anything else- and also every step of the way, which will eventually exhaust her because its a load of bullshit and not her responsibility.  It’s not that he doesn’t want to, it’s more that he’s afraid what others will think if he wants.

But he’s never direct about it. He just brings things up and lets people get their own opinions from it- because he’s REALLY passive about conflict and he’d rather solve things with the least amount of struggle possible, always. He just needs confirmation. And then comes this bit:

I read this bit of text in 2 ways: 1) Jake realizing pretty soon that his attractions aren’t limited to gender. & 2) Jake realizing pretty soon that gender is just a big ole scam, and that he couldn’t care less if it weren’t for outside perception of him. It’s just another performance!

Jake’s ongoing theme is that he hates being perceived (be it sexually, mentally, personally, in the sense that he abhors judgement and objectification and is afraid of being known) just as much as he gets by freely by allowing others to project whatever they want onto him- and he’s not bound to complying unless it’s shit he enjoys. He’s an indulgence chamber. He doesn’t want to be bound by rules or expectations partly because he’s sort of a lukewarm coward and partly because he thrives in contradiction. And all that sounds pretty dandy, but it doesn’t means he’s exempt from anxiety of what others think of him every step of the way and what that means to his projected image. Brain Ghost Dirk is part dirk splinter, part jake constantly asking himself ‘what would dirk do?’ because he thinks he’s not capable on his own.

and its where we get my favorite line:

“i dont WANNA be a man and i dont WANNA punch her in the face!” Maybe 2000′s action heroes who shoot first and ask questions later are, generally, sort of pretty stupid? And his fantasy can only go so far before it becomes something all too real he doesn’t want to be a part of? THIS is the line. I’ve already written about this bit before, in how Jake’s sexuality and the denial of his agency over it are traditionally a feminine narrative applied to a character desperately trying to be the quirky male lead of an adventure story. He really wants to be both. He doesn’t want to be forced to choose or to subscribe to one extreme. He wants his cake and he’s going to fucking eat it, too.

The crockertier Jane/Jake scene encapsulates everything jake wants to project, Indiana & Croft, and spins it on its head: he would rather die than be the big man hero and hurt jane (and he does die for it, later) & becoming the femme fatale means giving up what little agency he has for other people’s eyecandy benefits. and maybe that really fucking sucks? He loves these concepts but he also really hates the reality of them? That’s the concept of Jake.

But despite all that, he’s generally comfortable with his masculinity to the point of neutrality unless somebody else brings up The Norms and how he’s betraying them by not being the definition of a cishet dude. All the alphas have a very tricky relationship with gender performance, and they rely on notions of eachother. ( https ://twitter. com/hulknaps/ status/1133205821024800769?s=20 ) But Jake relies on the alphas to define him based on the moment. He adapts to different people in different ways. he switches often, because the persona he’s constructed is not solidly him, just one of many detachable masks of convenience. the aspect of transformation or characters with chameleon features is all over his intro page too, even if it starts as a red herring that he might be lord english.

Just count how many references you can make to alter-egos, transformations, ‘avatars’, multiple personalities or forms in this one page. i’ll make some of them easy: Mystique, Ghost rider, Hulk, his beloved Avatar, all rely on the concept of having fluid forms. Two of them are also blue ladies! did you know there’s a blue hulk and he’s a goofy jock? i’m going offtopic, but you grasp the idea.

I’m utterly subscribed to the idea of Jake being GNC/nonbinary/genderfluid or simply slapping a big ‘agender’ on it. I give dirk shit for always running from the gay label out of fear, but jake sort of does this too, relying strongly on not being defined and doing whatever feels best at the moment. It also fits his aspect and denizen, but those are more abstract references.

and since i dont know how to better end this bit of meta, here’s a little section of Mystique, blue lady extraordinary and one of his beloved characters. make of it what you will.

[ardenttheories]

thank you so much for your davekat post 😭 I honestly have a lot of the same feelings about rosemary (pre-hs^2 bullshit). it feels like they just threw in the lgbt relationships and were like "!! everyone's okay and happy now! :D don't think too hard about it though ;)"

Honestly? I think that’s exactly it. You see it a lot in how Dave and Karkat are in the Epilogues, but they’re almost there, together, just for the benefit of other people? As if they no longer exist as individuals but as a unit - which isn’t inherently bad, of course, but you could swap Dave and Karkat around in dialogue and you’d have basically the same conversations.

They’re not their own people with their own thoughts and opinions. Even when you love someone, you often have something different to them. My boyfriend and I both love Buzzfeed Unsolved, but for different reasons (he loves learning how they did it and freaking himself out over the murder aspect, and I love trying to figure out how they got to the theories and what tools they used to try and catch the killer, if any). With Dave and Karkat, their writing comes down a lot to “well they like the same thing because they’re dating :)” with... no actual development on that. 

A lot of them being together also ruins their prior relationship in the dumbest way. Like, with the retcon? We lost so much of their personalities. Instead of Dave and Karkat being dicks to each other, Dave supplexing Karkat and them fighting over drawing dicks on a book, all we do is see them... sitting on a sofa. A lot. 

Which, again, isn’t inherently bad, but the first set of actions has more of their personality in them! You can still do that stuff when you’re in a relationship!! 

My boyfriend once accidentally made me cry because I freaked myself out over a video and it was so late at night that when he played the audio I Lost it. And you know what he did? He laughed! He couldn’t stop laughing even as he said, “oh, baby, I’m so sorry!” 

My boyfriend used to accidentally call me mom sometimes. You know what I did? I started yelling “excuse me??? Excuse me??? Do I LOOK that old to you???” through my laughter as he tried to embarrasedly shut me up. 

He calls my dad “daddy” because he thinks it’s funny. I tell his grandma that I love her more than him whenever she’s on the phone. We laugh at each other’s antics and we joke around a lot more because of it. Like, I can’t tell you the amount of times “oh, your dad’s on the phone? HEY DADDY! HEY!!! HEY DADDY I LOVE YOU!” has lead to the wildest conversations with my family, or how often “MEEMA!!! MEEMA I LOVE YOU MOST!!!!” has led to me and her poking fun at my boyfriend as he bemoans that everyone hates him. 

Like, you can love someone and still be dicks together. You can still love someone and muck about, have fun, make each other laugh. That’s actually an incredibly important part of being in love, I think - you have to enjoy their company and enjoy being yourself and having fun around them. You don’t just lose that when you’re in love. You don’t suddenly settle down, become demure, lose all of your individual personalities to be a unit that does... almost nothing together. 

And that’s what I see a lot in canon DaveKat. All of the scenes that made them unique, that made them feel like a real-life, three dimensional couple, is erased during their canonisation. They stand next to each other, yeah, and they talk, sure, but they don’t have a lot of the same antics as they used to - the things that make them who they were, especially together. 

We don’t always see them talk about the things that really matter, either, which you do with your partner. We don’t see them talk about anything that’s really bothering them at all - to the point that they break up in Candy, and just end up so fucking bland in Meat. Like. Yes, they kiss - that’s great! But aside from the “man they really want to kiss, huh?” tension that they have going on, they don’t actually feel like a couple. They don’t feel like people who have been in love for several years.

It’s, again, just really bad writing of a MLM couple. It’s like they didn’t know how to write them, so they just went the most bland and basic way they possibly could with it. Which is frustrating, because they wrote John and Terezi’s interactions perfectly fine in both Candy and Meat, with both of them still dicking around with each other and having fun, and having actual conversations together, so... why couldn’t they have done the same to Dave and Karkat?

You’re right, too. They did the same thing to RoseMary. How much of their initial interactions were based solely on them having fun together? Poking and prodding and showing care and affection as they slowly fell in love? It was beautiful to watch them over the duration of their conversations, as antagonisation became fun, as fun became care, as care became love. 

But then a lot of that silliness goes. They’re hit by the same demure flaw that Dave and Karkat are, but it’s objectively worse because Rose and Kanaya are canonically confirmed to be together for a significant amount of time prior to them actually seeing each other on the Meteor. So when they’re together and it sort of... fizzles on the romantic side? It’s so strange. 

I can honestly remember more of Rose’s exposition on random bullshit than I can on her feelings towards and conversations with or about Kanaya. Likewise with Kanaya about Rose. Which might just be a straight man underestimating how much gay people will talk about their partners, but I also think it’s the Heterosexual Writing that’s coming to the fore in a lot of places. Maybe Hussie did his best, but Hussie isn’t MLM or WLW, and it really shows. 

I personally prefer RoseMary a lot over DaveKat, because there’s genuinely more there to enjoy and to see your representation in, and it’s also one of the best early ‘10s LGBT+ relationships ever written - especially to be popularised on the scale it was. There’s a lot more that could have been done - in both ships - and I think seeing canonical representation done even better more recently (such as Rupphire) makes the hindsight on RoseMary a little bittersweet. 

[overthelillies]

fic recs for my friends

yeah okay so most/all of these are davekat im sorry!! arranged in no particular order also some of them are second person I Am Sorry.

Your Interpersonal, Intergalactic Relationship: A Beginner's Guide (8,400-something words)

A beginner's guide to playing hopscotch, overcoming internalized homophobia, and falling in love with your alien best friend.

friends to lovers! p cute

So It Goes (56,845 words)

They managed to win the game somehow. He's not really sure of the details, but it's not all it's cracked up to be. He's stuck in an unfamiliar body with a thirteen year old little brother who's terrified of him.

Somehow, he is sure this is his fault.

// i have not read this one. but strider angst and davekat yes please

Red Converse (26,648 words)

Due to a seizure, Karkat Vantas now has to learn how to live his life with two speech aphasia. He goes to therapy three times a week, suffers from awful headaches, and tries to avoid people as much as possible.

Due to a traumatic experience, Dave Strider refuses to use his words, preferring to relay his snarky comments and witty banter through sign language and typing on his phone.

They meet in a waiting room.

//THIS IS REALLY GOOD Altho they do have sex just skip it dw i promise it’s worth it

how...did you tell your friends (7,906 words)

Unfortunately, you don't fancy your brother's suggestion on how to break the news to John...

There's no other way out of it, you're going to have to just tell him.

//set after homestuck, dave tries to tell the most oblivious person in the world and also his best friend (john) that he and karkat are dating and it’s literally so good

Dave Strider’s Stupid Fucking Jawline (11,607 words)

Generic high school AU. Dave's jawline is really distracting and Karkat does NOT have a crush on him (shut up, Kanaya).

//high school au. lovely. good eating.

Gray and Red (16,084 words)

In which you only see color once you meet your soulmate, and the first color you see is the same as your soulmate's eyes.

//SOULMATE AU SOULMATE AU this is kinda very Angsty (Karkat do be pining doe) it’s p good

We’re All Friends & Family Here (And Frankly, We’re Sick Of Your Shit) (68,000 somethin words)

It's been about a year since the big Fast Forward, and sure, things on Earth C aren't perfect for everyone. But they're fine. Really. It's fine. Everything is super fuckin' swell, and that's that.

It's not like one night is going to change anything.

//post homestuck GOD THIS. IS SO GOOD okay so this fic is mainly dirkjake being fucking stupid with rosemary and davekat and also a lil roxy/calliope in the bg and it’s long but!!!! so very good

Red Ties (10,705 words)

Dave Strider's eyes never turned the color of his soulmates. With his rare eye-color, there's next to no chance they simply share an eye color.

One day he meets Karkat Vantas.

//another cute soulmate au! again. love the soulmate aus what can i say

i’m at the combination dunkin donuts & urgent care (3,920 words)

Karkat Vantas is convinced beyond a doubt that his neighbor is some variety of murderer, until they actually meet in person. Highlights include blood at the laundromat, Dave's weird obsession with candles, and a box of shitty swords.

//this is SO FUNNY short n sweet i promise

the calculation (2,481 words)

the fic in which Dave gets the flu for the first time since before the game and Karkat takes care of him.

//this fic is really funny and also sweet

Start At The Beginning (9,304)

//post-homestuck, Dave and karkat falling in love. the ending to thsi made me cry

I Love Cheap Thrills (4,773 words)

You’ve been trading memes with an international pop sensation, and your drunk ass had no idea.

Classic.

//this one is verrie funnie

Locked Up (9,272 words)

Dave had always been the one best prepared for the game. He was able to handle the shit it threw at them and push it down a lot better than everyone else could.

It might have fucked up everything else about him, but that didn't matter.

He was fine.

He was always fucking fine.

//angst. very nice

I’d Tap That (oh fuck i didn’t mean to tap that) (17,041 words)

Karkat finds his old school bully on Grindr. Dave doesn't know how to shut up.

// really funny!! sorry if these are getting redundant i don’t remember the details about some of these

Pale as Bone, Pale as Water (5,305 words)

//another davekat sickfic

Apple Juice, Chips, and Bandages (5,335 words)

Every time he comes in he gets the same three things. A bottle of apple juice, a bag of chips, and bandages.

//really cute!! they’re liddol and they’re friends it’s nice

The Land of Blood and Childhood Trauma (8,242 words)

When two dreambubbles collide, two anti-social assholes are forced to help each other through it.

//not quite as Angsty as it sounds! it’s good

ecdysis (6,077 words)

Karkat goes through his adult molt. Dave does his best to take it in stride.

//so i actually haven’t read this thought I did but Uh have it anyway it looks good

Self Sabotage and Other Symptoms of a Damaged Soul (10,698 words)

//basically dave grapples with his internalized homophobia, etc. very good

turntechGodhead is offline (36,999 words)

//I’ve already ranted to you guys enough about this you know what it’s abt it’s SO FREAKING GOOD

A Ten Step Plan For Wooing Karkat Vantas, Featuring A Multitude Of Illustrations By Your Esteemed Authors, As Well As Tips For The Aforementioned Wooing (11,261 words)

Kanaya, because she's a saint, makes you a list.

The list is entitled "A Ten Step Plan For Wooing Karkat Vantas" and features a multitude of illustrations in purple pen.

"So we're doing this," you say. Your mouth threatens to twitch into something dangerously smile-shaped.

"Yes," says Kanaya. "We are making this happen."

"Hell yes."

//dave n karkat! they go on a date. stuff happens. it’s really good

Catching Colds on a Rock in the Middle of Space (15,887)

Rose catches a bad cold and it slowly spreads to the rest of the meteor crew. None of them are particularly good at admitting they're sick, let alone looking after themselves, but at least they're decent at caring for each other.

//rosemary and davekat! VERY sweet

Dave’s Girl (2,527 words)

The thing is no one knew anything more about "Kitty" other than her delicious cooking (Dave obviously doesn't want to share – ever) but the guys are more or less already in love with her. Drew insists she's probably this blond bombshell with big, blue eyes, all curves with legs that go on forever and a great rack... Practically everyone in the team has their own opinion.

//this is so funny and also im a sucker for these kinds of tropes so it’s great

Songs Made on the Meteor (27,762 words)

Dave makes music and they fall in love.

//on my to-read list! it looks good

Looks Just Like The Sun (12,231 words)

“Holy shit,” you whisper. Dave joins you at the window.

There are no stars left in the sky. Nothing but blackness and a faint soap bubble sheen.

“Is that a dream bubble?” Dave says.

And then it swallows you.

//okay. does this have explicit sex? yes. does it have a very explicit image? yes. HOWEVER (hear me out here) I firmly believe that if you whizz pass those parts, this is a very good fic with great characterization and fun banter. send tweet

aight happy reading

[waitineedaname]

oooooo maybe a davekat meetcute? idk ne specific meetcutes but the more embarassing the better

shoutout to @bandersnatchbandwidth for helping come up with this concept AND the wonderful cat names. I loved writing this lol

—

“Princess Diana!”

What the fuck.

“Princess Diana of Southern Texas, my sweet angel baby, come here.”

Why. Why couldn’t Karkat have normal neighbors.

He peered out his kitchen window, bewildered and groggy. It was way too early to have to listen to the virtual strangers in his nearby vicinity lose their minds. His window looked directly into his nextdoor neighbors backyard. Dave… something. They’d barely interacted since he’d moved in, nothing beyond nods of greeting if they run into each other outside or the occasional “hey the mailman gave me your mail by mistake” “oh hey sick dude, thanks.” But of course, thanks to Karkat’s spectacular luck, he was having to witness Dave wander around in his yard in a bathrobe and boxers and not much else. 

“C’mere, beautiful, lemme get you back inside where it’s safe.” Dave continued to coo. What the hell was he talking about? Karkat watched his half naked neighbor crouch down at something, and then watched a ball of white fluff bolt to the opposite corner of the yard. He practically felt Dave’s groan in his own chest.

“Princess Diana, I’m begging you.” Dave approached the bush where his cat was now hiding with caution. “Come on, you’re not meant to be outside. Come back inside where it’s safe. I just got you groomed and now you’re dirty, this is just uncalled for.” He squatted in front of the shrub and Karkat had to try not to laugh as how absurd he looked. The cat was so small, but she clearly had an attitude. “Let me take you inside and I’ll open up a can of wet food and we’ll get our brushing on and you can do that thing where you massage my legs all cute and basically shred me to bits. You’re not meant to be usin’ those claws for hunting out here, you only know clawing up my knee, so come on, c’mere darling. You like the sound of wet food, ri- oh for fucks sake, don’t go further away.”

Okay, this was getting kind of ridiculous. Karkat wasn’t sure what drew him onto his porch other than the fact that he just couldn’t watch this anymore.

“Hey.” Karkat called out. Dave jumped like he’d forgotten other people could see him outside acting like a lunatic. “Do you need help?”

“Oh, hey man.” The cooing voice had turned off and was replaced with false casualness. “Sorry if I woke you or something, it’s just my cat decided to make a fuckin’ run for it. I’ll get her, though, don’t worry about it.”

“Let me see what I can do.” Karkat said before he could think it through. He was already walking over to the fence, though, so it wasn’t like he could back out now. He somehow managed to climb over it without completely falling on his ass, and then he and the cat were behind the same bush. Princess Diana of Southern Texas stared at him like ‘how the fuck did you get here?’ but she didn’t give any more complaint than a single betrayed yowl when he scooped her up in his arms.

“Holy shit.” Dave whispered in awe. “Bro, she doesn’t even let me hold her, the fuck.”

“I have plenty of experience in picking up ornery cats, trust me.” Karkat scratched her under the chin, and she suddenly looked a lot less ornery as her golden eyes drooped shut in satisfaction. “Are you gonna get the door or what?”

“Oh, fuck, yeah.” Dave jogged ahead of him to the door and Karkat gently tossed the cat inside. Dave shut the door before she could make a run for it again. “Seriously, I owe you so much, dude. Where the fuck did you learn to wrangle cats like that?”

“Like I said, I have a lot of experience. If you counted the number of people she tolerates on your hands, the result would be one solitary middle finger.” Karkat demonstrated and was pleased when it startled a single solitary laugh out of his neighbor.

“Can I meet him?” Dave asked, and Karkat blinked at him. Dave immediately looked embarrassed. “Uh, after I get dressed, that is. Or not, sorry, I dunno why I asked.”

Karkat did the mental math and decided fuck it, his morning was already abnormal. “I can’t give any promises he’ll like you, but sure, I guess.”

“Cool. Be right back, dude.” Dave disappeared inside, leaving Karkat to stand on his back porch, questioning his life decisions.

Karkat eventually decided it was probably for the best if he got dressed too since he was still wearing the sweatpants and thin t-shirt he’d slept in. He’d only just managed to pull on a clean pair of jeans when Dave knocked at his door.

“Do you like pears?” Dave blurted out before Karkat could even greet him.

“The fuck.” Karkat stared at him blankly. “Uh, yeah, I guess I like pears?”

“Do you want some?” Dave held up a bag of pear, and Karkat continued to look bewildered. “It’s just- My friend Jade grows pears, and she offered me some and I was like ‘sure, why the hell not’ because I thought she’d give me, like, four maybe, but she gave me eighty-two pears, and I just. I have no fucking use for eighty-two pears. So I thought maybe you’d like some as, like, thanks for making sure my cat’s attempt to tap into her wild roots didn’t extend past our cute little suburban fence.”

“I don’t- You don’t have to pay me for saving your cat’s life! I was just being a good samaritan for once in my goddamn life! Maybe this will be the one thing to tip the karmic scales and get the universe to stop fucking me over, but you don’t-”

“Karkat.” Dave cut him off. Karkat was surprised he remembered his name. “I have eighty-two pears. This is more for my benefit than yours.”

Karkat heaved a great sigh and took the bag of pears. “Fine. You wanted to see TB - she’s on the couch.”

“TB?” Dave asked, peering over at the couch while Karkat led him inside.

“Trash Bag. My cat.”

“Doesn’t TB also stand for tuberculosis?”

“What’s your point.”

Dave huffed a laugh. “Where is she?” 

“Right here.” Karkat dropped the pears on the kitchen counter, then went to the couch to scoop up the gray lump of fur. Said gray lump of fur yowled like a diseased possum getting tossed around in a garbage truck. Dave gasped in barely restrained delight.

“Dude, I thought she was a throw pillow.”

“Sometimes she acts like one.” Karkat huffed, petting Trash Bag’s head. She’d started purring as soon as she realized it was him holding her, and drool was already starting to collect in the folds of her squashed face. 

“Can I pet her?”

“You can try.” Karkat held her out a little, and Dave extended a hand for her to sniff. Trash Bag turned amber eyes on him, immediately identified him as Not-Karkat, and fluffed up even more than she was naturally, a congested growl forming in her throat. 

“Yikes.” Dave pulled his hand away.

“Yeah, she’s like that.” Karkat pulled her back to his chest and she went back to her gloopy purring. 

“She sure likes you though.”

“There’s probably some sick irony that the cat that doesn’t like anyone likes the most unlikable person.” Karkat rolled his eyes, but he couldn’t resist cooing a little when TB licked his finger.

“I don’t think you’re unlikable.” Dave said. Karkat looked up and found him wearing a similar expression to when he asked if he could meet his cat: the look of someone whose mouth has a tendency to say things before his brain catches up.

“No fucking offense, but you don’t really know me.”

“I mean. Yeah, no, I don’t, but. I dunno, you seem like a cool dude?” Dave scratched at the curls at the back of his head. “I know I haven’t really been that neighborly, but I’m having some friends together this weekend, and uh. Well, we’re calling it a ‘barbecue’-” He said with gratuitous quotation marks, “But it’s more like a potluck where Jade dumps all her excess fruits and vegetables on my table and Jake declares he definitely knows how to grill better than we do - which he does, but that’s not saying much - and June brings a metric fuckton of weird snacks she impulse bought at an Asian grocery store. You can come? If you want? You don’t have to, but it could be fun, um. If you want. And if my friends get too overwhelming, you can always duck inside and hang out with my cats.”

Karkat considered the offer, surprised. Trash Bag grunted at him and he resumed scratching under her chin. “Yeah, fuck it, why not. I don’t have anything better to do.”

“Hell yeah. Just come over at like five on Saturday.” Dave bounced on his heels a little bit, fidgety. “Nice to meet you, Trash Bag.” She wheezed, and Dave huffed a short laugh. “See you later, man. Thanks for the help.”

“Don’t mention it. Keep Princess Diana inside more, alright?”

“I’ll do my best.” Dave gave him a half wave, then jogged down the front stairs and meandered to his house. 

Well. Karkat supposed he could have worse neighbors.

[galixee]

New Traditions and Worlds

My @homestuckss gift for @dykeiatrist ! I used “Davekat,” “Jane,” and “Hurt/Comfort” (with a bit of DirkJake) to create a cute little holiday fic! Hope you enjoy it :D Have a wonderful holiday season!!

Also on ao3 (@detective_in_space if the link doesn’t work!)

“Twas the week before Christmas,” Dave started before pausing, “Yo Rox, what’s somethin’ that rhymes with Christmas?”

“Ass? Wait, no, no that doesn’t work… Christmas…” Roxy muttered, “Okay so, like, the only thing I’ve got is Christmas, but you absolutely cannot rhyme ‘Christmas’ with ‘Christmas,’ right?”

“You’re definitely right,” Dave sighed as he scratched out the words in his notebook, “Dude, like absolutely nothin’ rhymes with Christmas words.”

Roxy moved over and rested their hand on his shoulder, “Karkat will appreciate the thought at least. Hey, there are other things than Christmas raps, like festive interpretive dances! Or Festive slam poetry?”

“Well, duh, it’s Karkat we’re talkin’ bout,” Dave laughed, but in his defense, it was true. Karkat would yell and insist that he hated Dave’s most ‘ironic’ gifts, but there was a certain fondness in his tone. Like it was just a whole elaborate game. The edges of Karkat’s eyes would wrinkle as his lips curled into a small grin. A small chuckle would escape, which Dave would obviously point out, and in response, Karkat would punch him (before wrapping him in a hug). Oh god, that was the best… 

“Hey sleeping beauty,” Roxy interrupted, as they lightly hit the side of Dave’s head, “Did ya invite me over here just to fall asleep?”

“Nah dawg, I was just thinkin’ about the usual,” Dave brushed their hand aside. 

“So,” Roxy drawled, “Karkat?” Roxy wiggled their eyebrows at Dave. 

“No,” Dave exclaimed, “Fuck, I mean, no. Hey, do ya know any, like, traditions that people do for Christmas and all that jazz.” Now that was a smooth change of topics. 

“Smooth like a baby’s bottom,” Roxy laughed, “But, nah. I didn’t even know Christmas was like a real thing… thought it was an urban myth or something.” Oh, right. Roxy lived in some highly-futuristic society that was enslaved by a fish bitch, but there was none of that oppressive dictatorship on Earth C. Trolls, Carpacians, Humans, and well, any other species were free to chill by the fire and enjoy whatever holiday they wanted. Now that, was what sweet, sweet democracy was about (preach Obama). 

“Lit, lovin’ that we’re both oblivious of any cultural traditions… hey, you think one of the Crocker-Harley-English… berts... would know more about this? I’m feelin’ like they’d be all up in that shit,” Dave said, “Oh fuck, I’m so smart. That’s like totally their thing.”

After quickly picking up all his stuff and saying goodbye to Roxy, Dave picked up his phone and dialed Jane Crocker, the holiday expert, on his way home. Wait, oh fuck, what if she was busy? It’s not like he usually talked to her, so was it out of the question? Oh no, maybe he should’ve just texted John...

The phone picked up, “Hello, Jane Crocker speaking?”

“Oh… oh! Hey Jane, it’s Dave… ya know… Dirk’s cooler bro,” Dave started. He shoved his hands into his hoodie pocket and kicked a stray pebble on the sidewalk. Yes, he could be floating around, but exercise was important. 

“Well, howdy there Dave. It’s been a while since we’ve talked, hasn’t it,” she chuckled, “Anyways, did you need anything?”

“So, like, Rox and I were talkin’ about Christmas and stuff… and well, we’re both dumb and have no idea what people actually do for it, so I thought you might be the expert on the subject? Because it totally seems like it’d be up your ally,” Dave rambled on. 

“Well golly, I’m flattered. It’s been a while since I’ve actually celebrated the holiday, but of course, I’ll help you! Before the game, my father and I had so much fun celebrating… let’s see… Well, I’m sure you already know this, but we’d go out to a farm together and pick out a tree. I’d always search for the fattest tree, and my father would help me cut it down. And then we’d go get Hot Cocoa and pick out ornaments together, and well, oh sorry, I’ve gotten a bit off-topic, haven’t I,” Jane apologized.

“No, no! You’re literally the best… lemme just get a piece of paper to write this on,” Dave fumbled around his captchalogue, and pulled out an old notebook (of course, with Obama on the cover). “Okay cool, I got one, hit me with all that sweet, sweet info.”

“Alright… let’s see, what else… oh, well after we decorated the tree, we’d make and frost sugar cookies and cakes together. Oh! Karkat and you are welcome to come over together sometime and make cookies with me if you’d like,” Jane offered. Hell yeah, she was a literal legend. Roxy and Dirk had the best friends. 

“Yeah, dog, we’d love to! I’ll hit you up with a date once Karkat checks the calendar. You know him and… schedulin’,” Dave said as he continued to write down Jane’s suggestions. 

Jane chuckled, “Sounds good… and one more thing… My father and I would always put cheesy Christmas music on. That was the best… we’d make absolute fools out of ourselves, but it was so much fun. Literally, we’d just dance around and belt the lyrics… those we’re the days,” Jane’s voice started to crack… fuck… had Dave made her cry? “Sorry…” she continued, “I don’t mean to be so emotional. Oh lord, I’m sorry. I… I hope I helped you a bit, and just, feel free to come over whenever for cookies…” 

“Fuck, no,” Dave searched his brain… what would Karkat say… “Sorry for bringin’ up those memories. I know it sucks and all. I’ll give you some time and just hit you up later.” 

“Yes, that’d be great… see you later then,” Jane said as she hung up. 

Well, shit, Dave had already made one person cry and it was only 11 a.m. Maybe Christmas was just an emotional time and stuff. Jane was cool, though, so he hoped that she was okay. Plus, she gave him some kickass advice, and he was so ready to get his holiday spirit on. 

The rest of the walk to his place was boring. Dave tried to come up with some more sick raps for his Christmas album, featuring the new and improved version of “Jingle Bells.” The air was crisp and way too cold for Dave’s Texan roots (he blamed John for the freezing wind), so he was thankful when he finally reached the door. 

“Yo, Karkat, I’m home, and I come with words of wisdom from the one and only Jane Crocker herself,” Dave announced as he closed the door behind him. He attempted to throw his coat and hang it up, but it fell clumsily to the floor. He shrugged it off and continued through the cozy lil’ condo, finding his way into the kitchen, where he found Karkat doing a load of laundry. Yes, the washing machine and dryer were in the kitchen… it was only the most ironic, British mom location for them. Dave, being the coolest man to ever exist, ran up to Karkat and hugged him from behind. 

“Jesus fucking shit Dave! Are you trying to give me a blood pusher attack?” Karkat screeched as he jumped like fifty feet in the air (okay maybe that was a bit of an exaggeration, but it basically happened). 

“Nah dude, you wouldn’t dare be all anime protagonist on me and faint. Like, imagine me runnin’ to cradle you in my arms while you murmur ‘I’m goin’ to have to kawaii the shit out of your desu.’ Literally, imagine that” Dave rambled. 

Karkat groaned at this, “Stop spending time with Dirk. You’re turning into a shitty weeb Karkat said as he pushed Dave away. 

“I can’t help it… it’s who I am,” Dave clutched yo his chest and fell to the ground, pulling the other boy down with him. Karkat’s words. The worst weapon of all. 

“I’m going to go live with Kanaya and Rose,” Karkat grumbled, falling to the ground as dramatically as possible (making sure to land on Dave with as much force as possible). 

“Like you’d do that,” Dave scoffed, “She’s worse than me. Plus, is you did, we couldn’t be all romantic and celebrate human holidays together. C’mon dude, we gotta act like a high school couple. Get all up in each other’s space and kiss under the mistletoe. Oh, speakin’ of that! I talked to Jane, who is literally the best, and she was like ‘oh Dave! Check out this super lit tradition I did back on the o.g. Earth. Like, you get to cut down a tree and decorate with the most ironic ornaments.’” 

“Sound detrimental to the environment and a waste of time. What’s the point of celebrating a fucking tree,” Karkat asked.

“Dude, it’s a pine tree, which is superior to all other trees. Besides,  it’s about family and friends. I mean, I never celebrated Christmas with Bro, but you can’t just diss Karen like that,” Dave said, using his best white mom voice. 

“Fine whatever. I’ll celebrate your dumb human holiday, but I call picking out the decorations,” Karkat bargained as he stood up and dusted off his pants (getting rid of Dave’s germs).

“Hell yeah, deal! Get your coat on, we’re gonna get a tree and bring it in our house,” Dave exclaimed, quickly getting off the ground. 

The boys quickly got ready and we’re out the door, hopping into their car. Dave has gotten it because well, basically of all Karkat and his friends could fly. He has listened to Karkat’s complaining enough and invested in an older, used minivan. And man, did he love the thing. Hey, maybe he’d become a car person after the holidays were over. 

Dave was about to drive to the nearest park with a saw, but Karkat demanded that he call and ask Jane first. Jane recommended a small farm in the middle of nowhere, and with the use of a GPS, they eventually found their way there (after a few hours of trial and error).

“Jane said that fat trees were better, but honestly, I’m lovin’ this tall ass one right here. I mean look at it. It’s taller than the Empire State Buildin’… wait, is that still a thing? Like an Earth C Empire State Buildin’?” In Dave’s defense, it was a totally valid question. Like, did Earth C have the same seven wonders of the world? Who knew. 

“Shut the fuck up. We’re here for a tree, not imperialism,” Karkat groaned, “And besides, our house isn’t big enough for that.”

“But Karkat, the economy,” Dave whined, “But like, what about this tiny one… it reminds me of you, short stacks.”

Karkat shoved him, “And the other reminds me of your flat ass.” 

“I’ll take that as a compliment… since you're lookin’ at my ass and all,” Dave pulled down his Stiller shades and winked.

“Shut up, you fucking twink. Let’s just celebrate your weird human holidays and get the tree,” Karkat grumbled as he attempted to pick up the tree. 

Dave doubled over laughing as he watched the 5’3 troll struggle, but once Karkat shot him an angry glare, he rushed over to aid him (with his huge muscles, of course). “Nice, I can feel it pokin’ me through my mittens. Ten out of ten would recommend.”

After endless trial and error, the pair managed to carry the tree to the register and on top of their car, a red minivan that Dave had picked out.

“So,” Karkat started, “We just put a tree in our block and decorate it? And then some creepy old man flies around the world and gives presents to children by putting them under the tree?” His eyebrows furrowed as he attempted to understand human traditions.

“Dude, I can’t even explain it. Humans can come up with some weird shit when they put their minds to it,” Dave laughed. The rest of the car ride consisted of Karkat rambling about trollian traditions. Their hands managed to find one another and rest comfortably on the center console (Dave, of course, kept one hand on the steering wheel at all times… hey, safety is important). 

Their next stop was the local hardware store. It was owned by a sweet, older Carpacian. In all honesty, she reminded Dave of the Mayor… a kindred spirit whose goal in life was to just lead and help make others happy. She made the place seem like the opposite of a place to buy tools. The place was decorated with festive garlands and cheery music rang through the air. Dave waved at her as the pair walked towards the Christmas section.

“So,” Dave drawled, “What kind of ornaments are we lookin’ for? Personally, I wanna find a dick shaped one… for the memories of cockscotch. Bless that game.”

“This is a family store, dick-muncher! And we’re getting triple-f ornaments! Family fucking friendly!” Karkat screeched, marching ahead (but not before grabbing Dave’s hand and pulling him along). 

“Fine, fine, I get it… gotta make our house grub friendly, for when John comes over,” Dave snickered as they walked the ornaments aisle. Who knew there were so many different variations in fucking decorations? You had some for your Karens, poor college students, newlyweds, too many to count. Karkat busied himself with the… glass ball? Well, whatever that kind of ornament was called. 

“These are nice,” Karkat noted, showing Dave a set of jade glass baubles (haha, like Kanaya).

“But like, dude, they’re so borin’,” Dave whined, “We gotta spruce this tree up… get it? Spruce is a kind of tree.” Dave chuckled at his own dad joke. Shit, he was hilarious. 

“Hey, I’m just trying to make this actually look nice. We’ll get other colors too, and “spruce” it up, as you say,” Karkat said as he went back to check out the boring ornaments. Dave, on the other hand, went to look at the children’s ornaments on the other side of the aisle. Most of them were new pop culture things that Dave didn’t recognize (God was he growing old). However, there were a few that grabbed his attention, and obviously, he was gonna have to show these to Karkat. 

“Yo, dawg. Check out these cool little fuckers. They’ll make our tree look mads cool,” Dave opened his hands to reveal a bunch of little crab ornaments. They were cute and not boring glass balls. Plus, crabs were like Karkat’s thing… he’d definitely appreciate them.

“Crustaceans? Don’t you just know the way to my blood pusher,” Karkat rolled his eyes, “Just put them in the basket before I change my mind.”

Dave threw his fist in the air and gave Karkat a side hug, “Hell yeah, you won’t regret this. We gonna get so festive up in this joint. All the moms will be beggin’ to check out the coolest tree in the neighborhood, which if ya didn’t catch on, will be ours.”

“You got me. I’m only doing this to make Carol jealous. She fucking deserves it,” Karkat chuckled. Yes, Dave knew he was doing swell when he made Karkat laugh. If only he could give himself a, well earned, golden star. 

“Dude yes, I fuckin’ hate Carol. C’mon, let’s get more lights. We gotta make this flashy and blow a fuse, speakin’ of which… do you know how to fix a broken fuse? Because I do not wanna call Dirk over to fix it for us. He’ll be like ‘Dave, I’m just tryin’ to celebrate the holidays with my darlin’ boyfriend… have I mentioned Jake’s ass? Damn, lemme just rant about that and never actually fix your broken utilities.’ Can you imagine the pain, Karkat,” Dave lamented? He loved his brother, don’t get him wrong, but he did not want to mess with Dirk this close to the holiday season. 

“I can, actually. Remember what happened the week before Jake’s birthday? Dirk is batshit crazy, but he gets it from you,” Karkat smirked as Dave feigned an offended expression, “Now, can we stop talking about his love life and actually pick out some decorations?”

The pair still had one more destination before they could go home and relax, maybe even decorate the tree… but knowing themselves, they’d probably wait until Christmas Eve to put the new lights and ornaments up. 

“Oh my goodness, I’m so glad you two could make it,” Jane said as she opened the door, “I’ve already got everything out, so all we have to do is bake and decorate cookies… and perhaps eat a bit of dough.” She ushered the two inside. 

“Hell yeah, you’re the best Janey,” Dave said as the pair put away their coats and walked to the kitchen with Jane. Everything was so clean, especially when compared to their house. Karkat would always fuss about his habits, but Dave felt a sort of comfort in the messiness. So what if there were shirts thrown on the floor and an unorganized stack of papers on the kitchen table. It built… character. 

“I’ve never had what you humans call ‘cookies,’ but thank you for having us,” Karkat added. 

“Oh please, it’s no problem. I love baking, and I especially love helping people get into the holiday spirit,” Jane said. The trio fell into a simple routine once Jane showed them the recipe, helping the two boys when need be. Dave filled the silence by rambling under his breath about whatever he deemed important, while Karkat concentrated on making his cookies perfect. 

“Hey look,” Dave exclaimed while holding up one of his doughy creations, “It’s a Karkat angel! A Kar-Angel… a Karkat Van-Angel!” His cookies were shaped into gingerbread men with nubby horns and an uncharacteristic smile. 

“And I made a Dave-Cookie… oh wait, it’s just a blob of dough, my fucking bad,” Karkat retorted, going back to rolling out his dough. 

It was a long process, but after a few hours, the boys had successfully made their first batch of Christmas sugar cookies. A few of the cookies weren’t burnt on the edges, but they were delicious nonetheless. Jane demanded that the pair take home their creations, as she didn’t have enough room in her cabinets for more holiday desserts. 

“Goodness, thank you so much for coming over and making sugar cookies! I haven’t had this much fun since… well, it’s been a while. Feel free to come by and help me whenever you all would like,” Jane chirped. 

“Of course, Janey,” Dave replied, “You best bet we’ll be back for some more goodies! Gotta get my housewife on. I can’t be accidentally poisoning Karkat with some undercooked cake.” 

“You’ve poisoned me with every meal of your’s, except the Kraft Mac and Cheese, but only because Roxy helped you,” Karkat spat. 

“Oh well, we certainly can’t have that. I’ll be seeing you both again soon then. Have a Merry Christmas and a wonderful new year!”

It was dark by the time they were home. Karkat and Dave both felt the sleepiness enter the body, as they kept yawning. It was too late to decorate the tree, so it was leaned against a corner. The pair immediately plopped down onto the couch and put on a holiday classic, Tim Allen’s “The Santa Clause,” which Dave argued was the best Christmas movie known to mankind, trollkind, and carpaciankind alike. 

“Y’know, I never imagined that I would celebrate Christmas. Like, dude, that shit was mads uncool,” Dave said out of the blue, interrupting the beautiful sound of Tim Allen interacting with CGI reindeers and kidnapped children.

Karkat groaned, “Well, me either, yet here I am, celebrating a dumb holiday for dumb human grubs.” He was just trying to enjoy this wonderful holiday film, but with Dave, silence didn’t last long. In a way, it provided comfort to the pair. He knew that Dave absolutely hated the silence, as it reminded him of his Bro. For Karkat, Dave’s endless rambling allowed him to take his mind off of his worries. It was an odd relationship, one that had taken years to achieve, but here they were… they had made it, yet Karkat knew there were still shaky moments for the two of them. Like now, for example. The pair both would jump around certain barriers, trying desperately to aid one another, while still attempting to not dig too deep. 

Dave rested his head upon Karkat’s thighs and snuggled into the pile of blankets, reminding him of their time on the meteor, “Y’know, I wouldn’t have this whole thing any other way. ‘M glad my first Christmas is with you, instead of Bro.” His words are slurred together and slightly muffled, and Karkat can’t help the stupid ass blush that creeps onto his face at the sound of them. 

“Fuck that guy,” Karkat spits. After a moment, he starts again, this time with a gentler tone, “And it’s nice to have you here too, no matter how fucking dumb your endless rants may be.”

Dave could almost hear Dirk whispering “Tsundere” in his ear as he chuckled, “Awe, love you too, KitKat.” He sits back up, nearly smacking the top of his head into Karkat’s jaw. He looks away for a second, briefly hesitating, then leans in, closing the distance between the pair. It’s just a brief peck, but it leaves the two of them speechless. Dave looks at Karkat through his shades. A light brush coated his cheeks and his lips curled into a small grin. 

Karkat pulls Dave into his side and looks towards the corner of the living room, where their small, fat tree is leaning against the wall. It was empty and in desperate need of attention (aka Crustacean ornaments). Filled with a sudden burst of energy, he paused the movie and stood up, pulling Dave with him, “Get off your lazy ass and get fucking festive. We have a tree to decorate.”