#THIS FEKKIN BASTARD

[darlingvirus]

Oc Story Under the Cut

Tw for American who has never been to Ireland once in her life writing something happening in Dublin XD.

A cold wind blew through the night air in Dublin. Fall was once again reminding its inhabitants to bundle up. It was goodbye to temprate summer nights chatting with friends outside the pubs, and hello to chatting inside around a warm fireplace. Dublin was a big city. Lots of eccentric types were drawn from all over Europe to come and get a taste of authentic Irish culture in the country’s capital. Sometimes, exotic visitors brought exotic pets… And that’s where the troubles usually began.

Victoria adjusted her bomber jacket, easily guarding herself from the familiar chill of the wind. She was situated outside of O’Donoghue’s, a local bar known for excellent live music and good spirits. She took a hearty sip from the half finished pint in her hand as she scanned the cobblestone roads critically. From what Vic had learned from her research on Owlbear, they usually lived in secluded caves with their mate. So why one was alone, scaring locals and tourists alike in the ungodly hours of the night in the middle of Dublin? There were definitely no potential mates here, and the only caves to speak of were hole-in-the-wall bars. Something wasn’t quite adding up, and it bothered her.

She opened her phone, checking the time. 21:26. Last incident was reported to happen in this area, and around this time two nights ago. With any luck, the Owlbear had a nightly routine she could possibly exploit to find it easier.

Vic tucked the phone back into her cargo pants, looking around the area again. She stood out a fair bit, that’s for sure. Her bright purple hair and bandolier loaded with wooden stakes of all shapes and sizes made her glaringly visible, even in semidarkness of the aging street lights.

Before she could take another drink, a teasing voice interrupted her train of thought.

“Well, well, well! If it isn’t the World Hunter Association’s own Crown Victoria!”

At the sound of the voice, Vic instantly grimaced. She begrudgingly turned around, spotting the provocatively dressed Demon making his way over to her. Victoria quickly unstrapped a well cared for combat knife from her left thigh, gripping it in her left hand. She took a long swig from her beer in the right hand, not bothering to place it down. Despite Victoria’s immediate display of hatred, the demon pressed on, responding to the action with a jovial tone.

“Is this any way to greet a friend, Vic?” He asked, putting his hands on his hips and tilting his head slightly. Narloth looked like a caricature of Lucifer. A tall, red demon with a forked beard and slicked back hair. His ring covered tail dragged on the cobblestone as he walked, dragging attention to him from all angles wherever he went.

Victoria glared at him.

“We’re not friends, Narloth.” She spat, finishing off her drink bitterly.

Victoria felt like she wasn’t lying when she said Narloth wasn’t her friend. She wasn’t fond of this demon at all. He was loud, impatient, full of himself, amazingly callous, and worst of all, he was a monster. Of course, Victoria couldn’t see the irony in any of this, but Narloth definitely could. Perhaps that’s what made her so entertaining to him.

“You’re only alive by my fekkin mercy.” She asserted.

“And a good Guinness, looks like.” He smiled at her smugly, deep yellow eyes on the empty glass.

“Piss off already you dumb bastard, I’m busy.”

“What— Busy standing around and getting drunk?” The all American Incubus raised an eyebrow, his tail swaying from side to side in doubt.

The purple haired woman sighed, continuing to glare at Narloth as she spoke. “I’m looking for an Owlbear.” She revealed, finally placing her glass on one of the small tables situated outside the business.

“Taking down a bear?! MLM and WuhLuhWuh hostilities!”

Victoria audibly groaned at the terrible joke, sending Narloth into near hysterics. “Do not say it out loud like that. It’s an actual fekkin bear with an owls face.” She explained.

“In the city?”

“Aye. Rummaging through trash and scaring the living daylights out of just about anything that sees it. So naturally there’s a fat bounty on its head from the World Hunter’s Association.” Victoria internally cursed her loud mouth and the recent alcohol, unable to stop herself from spilling all this info on the fly.

“You’re not going to find a bigass bear out here, silly,” he commented, flicking her nose bravely. Victoria snarled and raised her knife at Narloth, seemingly ready to stab the shorter man in an instant. Instead of being fearful, Narloth kept talking.

“If I was a cute little bear, I would go where there’s other wildlife. St. Stephen’s Green maybe?”

The Hunter paused mid knife raise. That actually wasn’t a bad suggestion. In fact, it was a really good one. There were plenty of trash cans to overturn there, and even more grass to roll around in. The information processed in her twisted brain, gears beginning to turn.

“So!” He tapped the tip of her knife mockingly, angling the point away from himself. “You still going to kill me, Vicky? Even after I’ve been so helpful?” Narloth smiled, twisting his tail into a heart at her playfully.

Victoria spat on the ground in front of the demon and flipped him off, not saying another word as she walked away in the direction of the park.

“Fuckin’ Demons.”

[shanicetjn]

Random Portrait Doodles #14: Lucifer

Just noticed I have NEVER drawn my Luci digitally. Well, here he is. The Prince himself. :)

Doodled - 5 May 2017

[necrophatic]

NOO I MISSED IT

Someone unfollow me right fekkin now so I can make a 420 post. Do it for Bastard Man Quiggs.

[vesperstalksclones]

Happy fekkin birthday to me! 3 sittings, a lot of bourbon, and a leap of faith made this beautiful bastard come to life!!!

(O.o)/ [{{{{{{] => (The towel I stole from him)

**Baby dolls, check on the super secret Google doc for the aftermath!**

[shyysims]

Y’all know I can’t not do my gorl Stormie

The rules: Tag people and name a character you want to know more about! If you want to let the person you tagged decide who to showcase, then don’t name a character and they can pick somebody. Easy! The person who is tagged will then bold the remarks below which apply to their character &, if they want to, include a picture with their reply!

Thanks to @humanitys-shortest for the tag ^^ I totes wasn’t secretly hoping for someone to tag me in this~~~

[ PERSONAL ] $ Financial : wealthy / moderate / poor / in poverty ✚ Medical : fit / moderate / sickly / disabled / disadvantaged / non applicable ✪ Class or Caste : upper / middle / working / street trash / slave / unsure ✔ Education : qualified / unqualified / studying / other ✖ Criminal Record : yes, for major crimes / yes, for minor crimes / no / has committed crimes, but not caught yet / yes, but charges were dismissed

[ FAMILY ] ◒ Children : had a child or children / has no children / wants children ◑ Relationship with Family : close with sibling(s) / not close with sibling(s) / has no siblings / sibling(s) is deceased ◔ Affiliation : orphaned / adopted / disowned / raised by birth parent(s) / not applicable  

[ TRAITS + TENDENCIES ] ♦ extroverted / introverted / in between ♦ dis-organised / organised / in between ♦ close minded / open-minded  / in between ♦ calm / anxious / in between ♦ disagreeable / agreeable / in between ♦ cautious / reckless / in between ♦ patient / impatient / in between ♦ outspoken / reserved / in between ♦ leader / follower / in between ♦ empathetic / vicious bastard / in between ♦ optimistic / pessimistic / in between ♦ traditional / modern / in between ♦ hard-working / lazy / in between ♦ cultured / uncultured / in between / unknown ♦ loyal / disloyal / unknown ♦ faithful / unfaithful / unknown

[ BELIEFS ] ★ Faith : monotheist / polytheist / atheist / agnostic / doesn’t care at all ☆ Belief in Ghosts or Spirits : yes / no / don’t know / don’t care ✮ Belief in an Afterlife : yes / no / don’t know / don’t care ✯ Belief in Reincarnation : yes / no / don’t know / don’t care ❃ Belief in Aliens : yes / no / don’t know / don’t care (She’s aware they exist, Saff’s shown her proof but ya know...she don’t give two fucks) ✧ Religious : orthodox / liberal / in between / not religious ❀ Philosophical : yes / no

[ SEXUALITY & ROMANTIC INCLINATION ] ❤ Sexuality : heterosexual / homosexual / bisexual / asexual (Shh, she’s not completely aware yet) / pansexual ❥ Sex : sex repulsed / sex neutral / sex favourable / naive and clueless ♥ Romance : romance repulsed / romance neutral / romance favourable / naive and clueless / romance suspicious ❣ Sexually : adventurous / experienced / naive / inexperienced / curious ⚧ Potential Sexual Partners : male / female / agender / other / none / all ⚧ Potential Romantic Partners : male / female / agender / other / none / all (Currently)

[ ABILITIES ] ☠ Combat Skills : excellent / good / moderate / poor / none ≡ Literacy Skills : excellent / good / moderate / poor / none ✍ Artistic Skills : excellent / good / moderate / poor / none ✂ Technical Skills : excellent / good / moderate / poor / none

[ HABITS ] ☕ Drinking Alcohol : never / special occasions / sometimes / frequently / Alcoholic ☁ Smoking : trying to quit / quit / never / trying it / rarely / sometimes / frequently / Chain-smoker ✿ Recreational Drugs : never / quit / trying it / rarely / sometimes / frequently / addict ✌ Medicinal Drugs : never / no longer needs medication / some medication needed /frequently / to excess ☻ Unhealthy Food : never / special occasions / sometimes / frequently / binge eater $ Splurge Spending : never / sometimes / frequently / Shopaholic ♣ Gambling : never / rarely / sometimes / frequently / compulsive gambler

Oooh who hasn’t been tagged in this jkhfsejrhbkn @sourpeachess @priismik do this thanks and fekkin @ everyone else thanks do this

[loptrcoptr]

The Last Jedi really is a great Star Wars film. Watching it all these months later for the first time outside of a theater (I know, I know, it´s been a weird couple months okay) really flipped all my perspectives around. The hype for Star Wars films, especially non-anthology ones, is so fekkin huge my dudes. You know? I went to TLJ with a bunch of like-minded grown-ass adults fricking peeing ourselves with excitement. And I think sometimes that hype we get kills the actual buzz. 

We focus so much on the flaws in things, inherently, because we´re humans and we´re picky bastards. We want our favorite things to be perfect, dammit! But when has a Star Wars film ever been perfect, really? Yeah, the OT is a great batch of films, but they´re not perfect. Nothing about the collective Star Wars universe spells out any kind of perfection. That´s kinda why we like it, right? Ever evolving, multi-faceted, nerd playground?

My issues with The Last Jedi were many, despite enjoying the film immensely anyway. But now I see that the things I was most miffed about were the things that belied the humanity of the films´characters. In hindsight Holdo´s leadership silent treatment reads less like a bizarre writing ploy and more like a manager trying to maintain the chain of corporate command because there´s no need for the drones to know everything that´s what they told us at the HR retreat and I wanna do a good job. Just a misguided, human approach to command. And Luke being an absolutely heinous pessimistic dillweed? Makes total sense. Wouldn´t you be a pessimistic dillweed if you´d fucked up so royally? You totally would. And Rey´s willingness to reach out to Kylo, to try and help him throughout the film, tirelessly, until finally slamming the literal door in his face is such a key example of that core Star Wars mantra. It takes strength to look for the light where it is darkest, and to try and help someone who seems evil, beyond aid. It´s Luke´s best quality in RotJ, something Rey herself points out to him. In the end Rey is just doing what Luke did, only Kylo chose darkness where Vader chose light. TL,DR; we project so much of our hopes onto the characters in Star Wars media, when instead we should probably be projecting more of ourselves. They err, and to err is human. Luke Skywalker, eternal hero who never shies away from the fight even after watching his students be slaughtered, is a fantasy, while Luke Skywalker, wallower-in-guilt-melodrama is much more akin to the way any person would act. Maybe some of us, were we Holdo, would´ve revealed our plans to everybody instead of being cagey and secretive. Maybe some of us wouldn´t. Maybe some of us would have kept rebuking Kylo Ren when in contact with him, refusing to be compassionate. I would have! But maybe some of us would have dealt with it in a more Jedi-like fashion, like Rey. 

I just think it´s amazing how much a little time and a change of pace can alter one´s perception of things, and how we as fans can continue to project ideas of perfection onto films that were never perfect to begin with. What a trip.

[geffbob]

Togger

The Excited Dwarf

 Togger got out of bed at 6am sharp, like he does every morning and like he will continue to do until he’s too old to mine anymore. Dwarves are interesting creatures in the sense that they wake up the second the sun touches their faces. Humans usually spend minutes or hours in bed rolling around instead of doing what they’re supposed to do. Dwarves, on the other hand, hate sleeping, you can’t get drunk if you’re asleep. He jumps out of bed, stretches, and gets ready to go. There’s no need to shower, considering that dwarves usually work in sulphur or coal mines, which means upon 10 seconds of entering the mine they’re already smelling like something awful. This will be Togger’s 500th day at the mine starting today, and he’s excited to see what will happen.

 On his way out of his house and to the mine, he runs into an old friend of his, Jhonny, a human. Normally humans are a rare sight in a dwarven village, but Jhonny is different. He’s part of the Adventure’s Guild, which means he’s probably down here in the dwarven capital to collect a bounty. “What the bloody hell are you doing here you pink looking bastard?” Togger shouts; (as far as Dwarven culture is concerned, that is one of the politest ways a Dwarf would greet a human). “Not much mate. Just came to turn in something” Jhonny replies. He holds up a brown leather sack containing something that’s round, pointy, hard and clearly bleeding. It’s tightly bound together with string at the top and there’s some flies buzzing around it. Considering Jhonny is a certified monster hunter, Jhonny hazards a guess as to what it could be. “Is that the soddin’ goblin leader that’s been nicking sheep?” “yep! I’ll be seeing you”- Jhonny shouts, briskly walking away. “Typical human” Togger thinks “always in a fekkin’ rush”.

 Upon reaching the mine, Togger is greeted with a small surprise coming from the mouth of the mine; “HAPPY 500TH VISIT YOU OLD SOD!” -Shout 1000 workers in unison. Dwarves are known for being in sync with many things, shouting absurdities at other Dwarves is one of them. “SHUT IT YA PACK OF WILD ANIMALS, DGARD OV NON REKKEN” he shouts down the mineshaft, which I shall not translate as humans should try their hardest not to learn Dwarven insults. “Sodding heck lad” says the senior manager, slowly exiting the shaft’s head and walking towards him, “you’ve really been here 500 times?” “yep” Togger replies “now, could you sod off cause I’ve got a lot to do and your daft expression is slowing me down” (insubordination is not a word in the Dwarven dictionary). The senior manager chuckles and moves out of the way. Togger walks forward, grabs a pickaxe off the rack and heads down the dark mine.

 Dwarven mines are a sight to behold, but only if you can see in the dark (which Dwarves can). They’re massive, known for being bigger than most cities. This mine in particular is over 5km in circumference- quite small as far as most mines are concerned, 5km of hollowed out ground in which thousands of workers come to extract minerals and materials. The mine is littered with support beams holding up the earth, either natural beams that were excavated around or metal beams that were transported inside. Stairwells and paths are jotted everywhere, seemingly at random but are clearly labelled as to not get lost. The main pathway (the one Togger is walking on) splits off into many different directions, all leading to different areas. Some paths lead to a hollowed-out part of the wall, which is used as break rooms, offices, med bays etc, other paths lead up or down to places with high concentration of minerals where miners usually work. Some paths lead to black stairwells which take you down to the excavation site, a place where gigantic drills smash up rocks at the bottom of the hollowed-out mine, looking for rare materials or oil. The drills are lava proof- obviously. Togger takes the 6th pathway he sees, which leads him down a 45-degree angle to the right, where a small hollowed cave section awaits him, with 30 dwarves in there, looking right terrified.

 “what are you lads and lassies waiting for? We got a quota to take care of and I’m not about to miss it!” barks Togger (he’s not a manager, just likes yelling). “Look Tog mate, happy 500th and all, but we’ve got a problem. Some rockmanti (mantises made of rocks) have taken up residence in the space below, they’ve got their greasy claws on a bunch of sapphires down there”. Togger looks at them in surprise, rockmanti don’t usually come this close to the surface, and they certainly don’t go after sapphires, one of the worst tasting gems out there, unless they’re absolutely starving.

 “Odd” replies Togger “rockmanti don’t usually nab sapphires, they’re more into hard diamonds or emeralds. “Yeah” replies the frightened dwarf, “that’s why we’re scared. If they’re hungry enough to be going after sapphires, then they’re hungry enough to attack anything that gets close”. Togger looks closely at the dwarf in front of him. A dwarf about 1m tall with bright green eyes, loose fitting overalls and an assortment of grease and tools over their body. This dwarf is around 90-100 years old (Dwarves live to 200 years on average) and has a long 70cm bushy brown beard, put into braids. Female.

 “HELP!” shouts someone a few hundred meters down the hole. The group look up as they see a stubby human running towards them. Humans aren’t commonly found in dwarven mines, but this one is well known. He’s Bob, an exiled human, forbidden to ever enter a human settlement again, exiled humans usually work in other race’s settlements as they cannot work for humans again. Humans are terrible workers, but they’re adaptable and mostly immune to poisonous mine gasses. Also, they’re expendable. “THEY’VE GOT JIMMY”. Togger widens his eyes, Jimmy, a young git, got himself in hot water again. Togger picks up his pickaxe and draws a dagger, seemingly out of nowhere, and heads down the hole.

 “GET OFF ME FEKKING LEG” shouts Jimmy, screaming in pain. The rockmanti have him in a corner and are stabbing at him. As Togger bursts into the dark opening, he sees what he expected. 7 manti, all about 1.5m tall, 2m when standing on hind legs. Grey and coated in a hard rock-like exoskeleton (hence the name, rockmanti). 4 of them are eating blue gems, chomping them down with sharp hard teeth. The other 3 are surrounding Jim, who’s lying in the corner in a pool of blood. One of his arms lies a few meters away from him, clearly torn off his body by something a lot stronger than him. He wastes no time, he quickly jumps towards the closest one, swinging his pick over his head vigorously into the head of it, smashing it into pieces, causing blood, sapphire and rocks to splatter into the ground. The second and third manti lunge towards him, trying to bite off his arms. Togger swings in a full 360-degree fashion, knocking 2 legs off the second one and smashing the third one against the wall. The other manti notice his presence and start heading towards him, snarling and spitting. Togger deftly avoids the spit and stabs the 4th one in his thorax with the dagger, smashing the thorax into bits. The 5th and 6th manti swing wildly at Togger, but he rolls underneath their claws and breaks his pickaxe over the head of the 5th one and throws his dagger at the 6th, impaling it against the wall. However, suddenly, he feels a sharp pain in his lower back.

 “DGARTH” he shouts and spins to see what struck him. The 7th mantis, which he didn’t see before, had snuck behind them and had bitten off a small chunk of flesh from his bottom. Looking at the mantis dead in the eyes, he notices that his pick is smashed to bits and his dagger is about 10m away, perforating the wall and the head of a rock mantis, unusable. The mantis shrieks at him and lunges, aiming for the neck. Togger has no choice, he closes his eyes, raises his hands, and mumbles an incarnation. “hun got yeth no wor dem ya” he whispers, pointing his empty palm at the mantis, opening his eyes, suddenly full of magic, and shoots. A fireball slams into the face of the mantis, melting off its flesh and burning the inside of the brains to a black crisp. The impact launches the mantis a few meters off the ground and into the open hallway. Retrieving his dagger, he runs over to Jimmy, who’s suddenly gone quiet. “Dgarth” he whispers again, and launches another, smaller, fireball down the hallway. Which explodes at the end like a flare, a sign for medical aid. Within 2 minutes, a team of dwarven doctors come and pick up Jim and his arm. Leading him towards the med bay. Togger follows them up to the surface and makes sure nothing follows them. Before he loses sight of him in the ambulance, Jimmy opens his eyes, and whispers “thank you”.

 Togger spent the rest of the day receiving praise from his peers, all dwarves can use magic, but only a few of them can use combat magic. The majority just use magic to carve rocks out, not attack other creatures. After 10 minutes he got fed up and yelled to be left alone, this request being ignored completely. After an hour, he started feeling dizzy and decided to cut the rest of the day short. He headed out of the mine, past the showers (where he received a brief 10 second squirt down by a young dwarf with a hose) and into town. Stopping at the nearest bar, he spent the rest of the day drunk before heading home. Dwarves don’t get drunk to hide emotions; they mostly get drunk to think about things. He didn’t want others to know that he was in the army, he just wanted to be left alone to smash rocks to bits. Upon arriving home, he notices a card in his letterbox. “Oi Togger” it begins “Jim here. Cheers, don’t worry, we already knew you were an army nut, nobody else would head towards 7 rockmanti without hesitation and even less would rescue me. If you don’t want people to say anything, they won’t.”

 Smiling, Togger heads inside, turns on the telly, pours himself a scotch, and spends the rest of the night watching anime.

[1queasycrow]

So fekkin here for that Rich Bitch/Poor Bastard AU

[darlingvirus]

Can we directly ask Ocs questions? How is Victoria rn?

“Thanks for asking, Anon. I’m fekkin MISERABLE. I’ve been trying to kill these stupid Gnomes that have started a music festival out on my lawn, but they’re too smart. Bet they’ve done this before the bastards…”