#Taako: Don’t go to the kitchen then

[noodyl-blasstal]

Cool, Calm, and Collegiate ch 1

It's @blupjeansweek!! Lup's returning to IPRE summer school for the first time since she attended it as a kid. Some of her colleagues are pretty awful, but one of them... Well... He's very interesting.

Find here or on ao3

--

Lup [14:45]

Made it safe, don’t burn the plants down and remember to water the kitchen.

Taako [14:45]

Instructions unclear. Filling bath with mayonnaise.

Lup [14:46]

You’re the worst <3

Taako [14:47]

Stop texting me and go teach kids space magic or whatever.

Lup [14:48]

You need to know I’m flipping you off right now.

Taako [14:48]

Never doubted you for a second, now go do your thing. Be safe, don’t talk to dogs, pet a lot of strangers.

Lup [14:48]

<3

Taako [14:48]

<3

Lup double checks the instructions, then stows her phone in her pocket, adjusts her rucksack, and definitely doesn’t give herself a pep talk, she doesn’t need to, she’s Lup fuckin’ Taako. They’re lucky to have her. These kids are gonna know so many things about space and magic and no one’s gonna act like she doesn’t belong.

“Eward! It’ll mess up my hair!” A tall elf looks perturbed as Edward, (her twin? Judging by the fact they look like mirror images they have to be, plus, twin recognises twin) holds out a satchel bag.

“It’s your bag, Lydia, dear.” Edward, clearly an optimist, continues to hold it out.

“Can’t Harry get it?”

“Oh yes. I’m sure he can come and sort this out.” Edward makes a sweeping gesture to the ever growing pile of bags and cases the poor taxi driver is piling on the pavement.

“I’ll call him.” Lydia snaps open her clutch.

Lup’s transfixed by her acid green nails and the wildly impractical heels. Not to mention Edward’s wearing a short sleeved suit jacket with embroidered shorts that Taako would kill for… how rude is it to photograph strangers?

“Harry… yes… sure, whatever… uh huh… well you’ll be glad to know that we’re here… yes… so can you come be a darling and get our bags?... I’m not sure that Daddy would like to hear that you’re being so unfriendly on our very first day… Thank you so much darling, we’ll see you soon.” Lydia grimaces and slides the phone back into her bag and shakes her head at Edward. “Such poor service here.”

It takes everything in Lup not to say something. Sure, their fashion sense is glorious, but they’re a caricature of awful if this is how they treat people. Lup’s ready to swing on poor Harold’s behalf. Not to mention the taxi driver they definitely didn’t tip, just waved her off once she’d finished hauling their ridiculous bags out of the minivan.

“Oh there you are, Harry, we’re just over here. Don’t worry about not being out front to meet us.” Edward smiles broadly, as if he’s not aware of precisely how much of a dick he’s being.

Lup’s willing to wager he knows exactly what he’s doing.

Harry though, assuming that’s the guy in the blue jeans who just walked reluctantly out of the front of the building, doesn’t look so confident. “Uh. Hi Lydia, Edward.” He tugs at the sleeves of his white shirt, clearly uncomfortable.

“So good to see you again.” Lydia says without looking at him.

“This is everything.” Edward points, as if there were a chance Harry might have missed the small mountain of wealth piled at the side of the road.

“And you need me to, uh, get some luggage trolleys?” Harry, poor sweet Harry, asks.

“If that’s what you need to move them to our rooms.” Edward shrugs, already scrolling on his phone.

“Did you check us in?” Lydia asks.

“Er… the accommodation office is…” Harry starts.

“Oh darling, these heels aren’t made for walking, are you sure you can’t just bring us the keys and let us know where we’re going?” Lydia titters and flutters her eyelashes at him.

Lup sends a beam of strength to Harry. Don’t fall for it, my dude, make them do their own life admin. You’ve go this.

“The accommodation office is over there.” Harry points.

Yes! Go, Harry, get ‘em!

“But darling, how will you know where to take our bags if you don’t check us in?” Edward asks, not looking up from his phone.

Lup watches the fight drain out of him. He fought a good fight…

“I’ll go to the accommodation office, which is over there.” Harry bites out.

At least he’s not trying to pretend he’s not pissed off any more. This is most definitely and absolutely not his job, for sure. Lup was under no illusions when she took this role. Science educator at a Summer education programme was never going to pay well, but coming here set her on the path she’s on now, and the least she can do is give back (and be legally allowed to make explosions for educational purposes.)

“Hey, Harold, mind if I walk with you? I haven’t been to the accommodation office before.” Lup catches up to him quickly, closing the distance in a few long strides.

When he turns to look at her his face is sour. “Please, uh, just, there’s no need to keep doing it.”

“Doing what?” Lup tilts her head, but doesn’t break her step. “Cha’girl needs to find the accommodation office, and you look like you know what’s up. It’s Lup, by the way.” She stops abruptly and offers a hand.

Harry stops too, looks at her for a moment, sizing her up. Then he smiles. “Barry.” He says, shaking it.

“Oh hell no.” Lup can feel the flush of heat spreading across her cheeks. “I’m so sorry, I just heard them say it and…”

“Yeah, well, they’re not always right.”

“Not often right, from what I’ve seen.” Lup mutters.

Barry laughs, once, sharp, perfect. “C’mon, I’ll show you the office.”

“Thanks Barry!”

His smile is glorious.

–

“I’ll help.”

“It’s fine.” Barry huffs as he tries to work out whether it’s better to wheel two suitcases at once in front or behind. “You’ve got your own stuff and you need to get settled.”

“Cha’girl has a single hiking bag because she’s not a complete maniac.” Lup rolls her eyes. “Plus, they’ll just complain if you leave anything on the side while you drop the first lot to their room.” She grimaces so Barry knows how wrong she thinks they are.

“You, uh, well, can’t argue with that.” Barry shrugs. Then adds, softly. “Thank you.”

Lup bumps his shoulder with hers. “Lup’s got you.”

She ends up with her rucksack, three bags on each arm, and the hair-mussing satchel (hair completely intact because she’s capable of operating a strap, thank you very much.) Barry wields two cases with his meat hands, and one with his mage hand. Lup copied him to get the last of the cases.

“How do people even have this much stuff?” Barry asks while they wait for the lift.

“Dedication? Perseverance?” Lup nudges him with her elbow, hands blessedly free as she’s laid the bags down to wait for the world’s slowest lift. “How much did you pack?”

“I didn’t have to, I live just off campus, uh, the street behind the student accommodation.”

“Oooh, happy accident that the job came up and you lived nearby?”

“Well, I… you know… work here. It’s new. But I said I’d help with the, er, the programme.” Barry looks embarrassed about this fact.

Lup raises her eyebrow. “I thought you said you were Barry?”

“I am.”

“They didn’t mention a Barry on any of the forms.” Lup knows for sure because she googled the fuck out of everyone and everything about the programme when she found out she got an interview.

“I’m not sure they put me on the letters or the websites or, well, uh, that stuff… plus, it’d by a different name.” He pauses. “It’s a long story.”

Lup points at the cheerful lift floor light which is currently still stuck on 19. “We’ve got time, my guy.” She’s going to go rogue and hack into the computers to fix it if this school is deadnaming him or something.

“Okay, it’s not really a long story, but I’m not on the forms because I help unofficially, and Barry isn’t my government name.”

“Okay?”

“I prefer Barry.”

“Barry Bluejeans.” Lup points at his denim-clad legs.

“Why not?”

“Do you not want them to use your other name?”

“No no, it’s fine, it’s just for, you know, business. It’s what’s on my office door, it’s Sildar.”

“I never thought I’d know two! Sildar! Elf King of the Forest, Thirteenth of his Line…” Lup swishes her imaginary cloak and laughs gently. “Destroyer of…”

She stops, Barry looks stunned. Shit. Maybe he was more sensitive about his name than he made it sound. She’d fallen into a comfortable pattern. Lup closes the distance between them. “Oh, my dude, sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you, that’s an…”

“...In joke.” Barry finishes for her. Then draws himself up to a majestic height and swishes his own cloak. “Destroyer of Ill Informed Zombies.” He’s smiling.

“Hallwinter?”

“Tacco?”

“Barry?”

“Lup?”

“What the fuck?” Lup swears she’s buffering, she’s usually not short of words, but this? What is she supposed to do with this? Sildar, in the flesh, not just a guy in a computer. “You’re real!”

Barry laughs. Hard.

Lup pokes him in the side.

“Ow!”

“Just checking.” She smiles her biggest smile.

He laughs again and it sets Lup off too. They’re still gasping for breath when the door the lift light finally blinks another floor down.

“Did the last email help?” Barry asks, pressing the lift button again, as if that’ll help.

“Yeah! The way you explained it made a lot more sense than the textbook.”

“Cyrus.” Barry says like it’s a particularly awful curse word, and shrugs dismissively.

“So you have roughly three thousand degrees?” Lup asks.

“No!” Barry protests quickly.

“Uh huh. Have you forgotten how many you have?”

“It’s only four PhDs. It’s fine. Erm… Look! The lift’s moving.” Barry points enthusiastically at the blinking light which shows a whole floor’s worth of progress.

“You can’t distract me from the fact I’m with academic royalty right now.”

“I’m not academic royalty!” Barry looks offended at the very thought.

Lup just wiggles her eyebrows. “Oh Sildar, can’t I please have your autograph?”

“Lup!” Barry looks genuinely distressed enough that she decides it’s time to stop bullying him.

“So what’s the best meal on the canteen rotation? I figure you’ve been here a little bit? You said you were moving in your email last month, right?”

Barry’s discomfort fades immediately. “So they make this mac and cheese with asparagus in it and the summer school kids hate it because it’s got green bits so they always give you extra. I figure it’ll be different once the students are back, but uh, I guess you’ll be gone then?”

Lup shrugs. “Gotta wait on the post docs to get back to me, but my cheese yen thanks you for the baller tip! What else you got for cha’girl? I’m gonna plumb your depths.”

There’s a long moment. Lup dares Barry to double her entendre. He thinks about it, she can tell, but he doesn’t. She’s not disappointed exactly… but.

By the time the lift finally arrives Lup knows where the quiet libraries are, has a few routes for her morning runs, and, most importantly, knows where to get the good coffee (The Davey Lamp Cafe or Barry’s office. She’s inclined to try the latter first, because Barry has good taste, obviously, no other reason.)

“Okay, tetris time!” Lup zoops the mage hand suitcase into the lift, Barry shoves his in close behind.

“Do you think we can do this?”

“Cha’girl has better things to do than wait another 84 years for the lift, Barold, prepare to get cosy.”

Lup shoos him in with the suitcases next.

“Okay, if I put the bags on top of the cases, and then…” Lup scooches into the, admittedly small, gap next to Barry. “Is this okay?”

“Uh, yeah, fine… er.. Good… I mean… Yeah.”

“Do you want me to get the next one?”

“No! No. I mean, this is okay.” Barry’s swaying very slightly, Lup’s pressed against his side, so sways with him.

“They’re floor 26, right?” Lup asks.

“Oh, fuck, hang on.” Barry lunges towards the buttons. “Yeah, there we go.”

The lift grinds slowly upwards.

“So why IPRE? I imagine everyone was clamouring to get their hands on you?” Lup wiggles her eyebrows and Barry flushes bright pink.

“Well, uh, you know… I really liked their er… ethos?” Barry starts tentatively.

“Funding?”

Barry laughs, relieved. “Yeah, that. They have plenty of funding available. Plus, they seemed interested in letting me, you know, work on some of my own stuff.”

“Bonds?” Lup hisses quietly, as if anyone could hear over the slow grinding noise of The World’s Shittest Lift.

Barry nods and his face lights up. “You remembered?”

“Hard to forget when someone’s so passionate about something, Barold.”

“It’s also closer to Mum.”

“Of course. How is Marlena?”

“Still raving about the cookies you sent. She said they were as baller as you promised, and that you’d promised you would only send them to her so I had to come visit if I wanted to try them.”

“Who am I, but a girl who is willing to engage in cookie crime to help a Mum out.”

“I visit her!”

“I know.” Lup nods, he’s talked a lot about wishing he was closer, especially as she gets older.

“Now I can go more.” Barry adds.

“You sure can, I’d better look at the recipe book.” Lup winks at him.

–

“Leave them here.” Lup shrugs. “You’ve done your bit.”

Barry dithers, and knocks again. “I don’t know why they went ahead of me to get the key when they specifically asked me to check them in.”

“Weird power play.”

“Really?”

“Definitely, I’ve met their sort before. Just leave their stuff here, don’t hang around waiting. You’re the guy, they’re nothing in the scheme of research. This is absolutely not your problem.”

“Yeah. Yeah…” Barry keeps his hands on the cases.

“Barold?” Lup takes his arm gently to pull him away.

Barry twitches slightly, like he’s about to pull his arm back, there’s a moment where Lup worries that she’s gone too far. Sure they’ve sent some emails, they joked in the lift, but this is Sildar Halwinter, Magic Science guy. He wrote the textbooks, or should have, he’s got the cutting edge papers… He’s not just a cute nerd for Lup to boss about. Thankfully though, he relaxes, lets himself be tugged away towards the lift.

“Yeah. You’re right. I’ve given them enough of my time.”

“Yes! That’s the spirit.” Lup punches the air. “Let’s get out of here.”

“Which floor are you?”

“3.” Lup says. “I don’t have fancy parental connections to get the good view.

“Well, at least you’re in luck if the lift goes out.” Barry says wrly.

“You truly are a genius, Dr Hallwinter.” Lup nods cheekily.

Barry throws her a sideways glance, and smiles. There’s no blush this time, maybe he’s easing into it.

This time, they stand slightly further apart in the lift.

“Is there anything I can help you with?” Barry asks. He sounds like he means it.

Lup wants to say yes immediately. There’s absolutely nothing she can think of that Barry can do for her right now, but she likes hanging out with him. He’s fun to talk to online, and more fun in person, if just for the immediacy… also she gets to look at his face. Er… she means… shit.

“I’m not sure I need a hand with my bag, but you’re welcome to come check out the digs if you want?” She realises too late that it sounds like she’s propositioning him. ‘Come look at my room’, she may as well ask the guy in for coffee.

“I’ve actually already surveyed the rooms, so I’ll let you get settled, but if you decide you want coffee before the staff briefing this evening then stop by my flat, I’m heading home for a few hours.” Barry smiles warmly.

Uh… did Barold just uno reverse her? Bam! Proposition me will you? Here’s one right back! No, no way, he probably just means coffee. Would she go if she thought he didn’t just mean coffee?... Nope, stop! Bad line of thinking. He’s being kind, it’s generous. They’re friends! She’ll see.

“Cool, I’ll get settled, write a postcard, then maybe head over when I go to post it?”

The lift dings to announce its arrival at the third floor. “No pressure, I’ll see you later, Lup.”

–

Hey Ko’

I know you’re gonna roll your eyes, but you’re getting postcards, just like we wrote to Tia back in the day. Today was fine. Those twins I messaged about are fucking awful (that’s right, I can swear in these now, when you’re the teachers no one checks!) they kept calling this guy Harry, turns out his name’s Barry. Barry Bluejeans (well, not officially the last bit, but he was wearing them, so sue me.) They made him carry their bags, so obviously I helped, and we got talking and I was all “he’s really cool. No idea why they’re so mean to him”. Anyway, anyway, turns out his Government name isn’t Barry. It’s Sildar fucking Halwinter! That one, yeah. So I guess my pen pal is my person pal for the next 8 weeks… I’m gonna make the most of it, I just need to figure out which questions to ask.

Anyway, I’m running out of postcard space, but it’s all pretty similar to how it was, the room’s slightly nicer, only one bed and a private bathroom (thank every god going, I’ll never forgive Greg Grimaldis his bathroom crimes), but it’s still student digs.

Love you always,

Lup xxxxx

---

Thank you for reading! Find chapter 2 here.

[ceilingfan5]

make it count

"problem" for @taznovembercelebration

Kravitz thought he was already having a weird night, but the guy tumbling out of his closet was, honestly, a real surprise. 

“AUGH, FUCK,” Kravitz says, flawlessy parried by closet guy’s “FUCK, AUGH.”

Kravitz steps back. Too far. The bed catches his ass, which hopefully looks like he sat down intentionally and didn’t reverse kneecap himself. Closet guy straightens up, long, gorgeous hair all over the place, and he spits hair out of his mouth and eyes Kravitz, steely, but also nervous, like Kravitz might be angling to kick his ass. 

Kravitz might. He hasn’t decided yet. He’s a little panicked, and he doesn’t like, WANT to call the cops, obviously, but there’s a fuckin’ dude in his closet and he’s been home for like three hours now. He’s played dad rock as high as his phone could go and danced in his boxers, and showered, and changed into pajamas, and eaten popcorn like both a horse and the tender but misunderstood delinquent girl feeding that horse and maybe that’s not necessarily something he wanted some kind of malignant fucknugget to witness.

“Who the fuck are you and how did you get in my apartment??” he demands, grabbing the nearest heavy object and brandishing his shitty lamp that makes an annoying noise when it’s on like it’s some kind of newfangled glaive-mace. 

“Who the fuck are you and where am I?” closet guy retorts aggressively, in a funny accent Kravitz can’t really place. Maybe it’s fake. Is this guy fucking with him? He’s too tired to be fucked with. He won’t allow it. 

“My apartment, asshole, keep up!” 

“Answer the first question!”

“You first!” Kravitz juts with the lamp, which is unfortunately a little flaccid, what with its flexible spine and all. He should have grabbed a shoe and just chucked it. 

“I don’t remember what you said!” the guy admits, which, okay, Kravitz kind of gets it, and it’s sort of hard to stay serious, even with his hackles up as they are. “Why are you dressed like that?”

“I’m in my pajamas!” Kravitz says, defensive. He knows the old, old Death Note t-shirt and Jack Skellington pants, which he got from the defunct K-mart mumble years ago, are not like. Flattering. BUT!! Listen. His vintage monogrammed pjs are in the dirty pile. And the dirty pile has gotten a little big, cause things have been nuts at work, and he’s worn out and exhausted and other words for fuckin’ wiped. What is it people say now. Eepy? Baby you’d best believe he’s eepy to the core like some kind of fucking blood disease. 

Man. Maybe he should get his vitamins checked. 

But also fuck you, closet guy, he’s in his own home, and no one was supposed to witness him tonight. He’s done being seen and perceived. You hear him? Done!

“Is that…so.” The guy squints at him. Kravitz would be assuming what the fuck he’s judging Kravitz on, but he kind of got lost in the attractive freckles and his long elegant fingers, and the gap in his teeth. And the hair, despite the fact that it is still all over the place, isn’t a minus. “I am Taako, prince of the elves.” 

“Oh, okay, and we’re back to zero,” Kravitz says, cheerfully realizing he’s going to have to fucking call 911 because he truly cannot figure out what the better option is. Except. He’s going to get strangled in his fucking Death Note t-shirt from 2013 because his goddamn Jack Skellington pants don’t have pockets and his phone is in the kitchen, actually, and they may not put that in his eulogy but everyone is going to know anyway, because of cringe osmosis. 

He doesn’t usually believe in cringe. Funny what imminent death does to your philosophy. 

“Why is that?” Taako squints at him, tucking hair behind his ears. And, shit, maybe he’s done costume work for whatever the fuck this is, maybe he’s had some insane plastic surgery, but his ears truly are crazy pointy. Not even elf in a movie pointy, like ten, twelve inches long, and they flick when Taako touches them. Kravitz reorients some facts, none of which add up, and he struggles.

“I’m Kravitz,” he says, against both his good judgement and his judgement he uses when his good judgement is dirty. 

Taako squints at him harder. Kravitz wonders if he should put the lamp down, especially considering it knocked over his wifi router which is blinking frantically like some kind of crying electric beast, but honestly whatever at this point. Like, is he going to die? Shit, then at least he doesn’t have to work tomorrow, you know? Sorry mama, he promises he cares, mostly. 

“Assistant head of sales,” he adds. Taako considers this at length. 

“I think I took the wrong portal,” he decides. He turns back to the closet, which reveals that he has a tail, actually, for real, as far as Kravitz can gather, and puts his hands on his enticing hips in frustration when he finds Kravitz’s bullshit mess of Work clothes, Dress Up clothes, Play clothes, and Nobody Can See Me Fuck Off clothes. And also four wigs, his heated blanket, the printer he’s mad at, an embarrassing amount of hangers,  and two paper boxes full of dumb garbage he can’t let go of from two moves ago. And some glitter. Shut up is why. 

"What the fuck is going on?" Kravitz demands. 

"Well," Taako says, with deep conviction, and doesn't finish. He turns back to face Kravitz. That tail flicks dismissively, still somehow incredibly appearing to be legitimate. Kravitz eyes him over, takes in his elaborate and scrumbled suit-gown of purple and gold gossamer and his thighs high boots and his golden eye makeup and also the way he keeps glancing at Kravitz's pajama pants. 

"Well?" Kravitz prompts. "You realize you're in Austin, Texas?" 

"Nah, uh," Taako looks a little pale now. "Chaboi was in Phandolin, in uh, Faerun, the fuck is a Texas?" 

So true. 

"Don't you dare tell me you hopped through a portal in my closet like reverse Narnia." 

"Narnia?" 

Man. Maybe Kravitz will hit him with the lamp. Shame he's so pretty. 

"I don't have time for this," he mutters. "You always watch those fantasy movies and they just handle it, but I don't have- what am I supposed to do, call in an elf prince personal day? If I'm going to take an elf prince personal day you can bet- sorry, I…" Kravitz winces. Just because he wants this to be fake doesn't mean there isn't a situation at hand. 

"I mean, Taako is all for an elf prince personal day if it means what I think it means." Taako grins, showing surprisingly sharp teeth, which Kravitz feels totally regular about, no details thanks. "I was running from some assholes who wanted to murder me. I mean, I don't necessarily think monarchy is the way of the future either, but you don't see me assassing about it." 

"Well, no monarchy here." Kravitz can't help but be glib. He finally puts the stupid lamp down. Just on the bed. No way he's sleeping anytime soon. This makes the cord pull taut. His sad router just slumps onto the floor. Taako jumps and inspects its flashing lights, alarmed but also kind of fascinated. 

"No?" He glances at Kravitz, and back at the lights. "Sick. That sounds easier."

"Well, it's not like there's no- we don't have to do politics. Hey, Taako, if I take this as nonfiction, which I am not committed to, and do not faint, which I am also not committed to, what the fuck am I meant to do next?"

"I mean either we take that elf prince personal day, really make it count, or uh, you magic me back home, mister?" 

"Magic isn't real!" Kravitz runs his hands down his face, excruciatingly aware of the comedy of the situation. 

"Ah," Taako says, really tasting the gravity here. "Guess there's no option but to fuck me." 

"Now hang on," Kravitz says, struggling not to laugh. 

"No, I'm right, probably." 

[cataztrophi]

Lup hopped onto the counter and sat down cross-legged, resting her chin in her hand. “Honestly, Taako, I didn’t think you had the attention span to hold a grudge this long.”

“She made me forget you, Lup.” He crossed his arms and leaned against the kitchen island, scowling at the floor. “She didn’t know if you were alive or dead but she made me forget you anyway.” There was a hitch in his throat that could have been anger or tears. Lup doubted even he knew which one. “I would have kept looking, I could have–”

“Bud, that’s exactly why she had to make you forget me. She knew you would never stop looking. She wanted to keep you safe, and give you a chance at a happy life while she made things right.”

“But don’t you see that’s worse?” His arms were clenched so tightly to his chest that his whole body shook.

Lup kept her tone gentle, tilting her head down in an attempt to meet his eyes that he refused to acknoweldge. “What do you mean?”

“Because I was happy, Lup! I forgot you, and I was happy. Not all the time, okay, there were some rough patches, but at least some of the time? Yeah, I thought I was doing okay, because I didn't know I had this big fucking hole in the middle of my chest."

Lup shook her head gently. “Taako-”

“How could she just erase you like that? How could I let her? I should have fought it, I should have kept something, like- like Barry did, or….” He threw his hands up, frustrated and overwhelmed by the thoughts that had clearly been running him ragged for months now.

Lup climbed down from the counter and went to lean next to him, their arms almost touching as they both stared at the floor. “You did keep something.”  

He snorted. “If you're going to start on Magnus' bullshit about the umbra staff and how fate brought us back together, don't bother. I already told him where he can stick it.”

“No, that’s not what I mean. Do you remember how, every time you cooked something, Magnus always complained because you used all the spoons?”

Taako looked up at her for the first time, surprised. “What does that have to do-?”

“Do you remember?” There was an insistent edge to her voice now. Desperately trying to make him see.

“Okay, fuck! Yeah, I remember. I kept telling him you have to taste the food as you go.”

“You’re preaching to the choir, my man. But that’s not why you always used all the spoons.”

He was silent for a long moment, considering this. “What do you mean?”

“You used all the spoons because every time you went to taste what you were making, you always grabbed two spoons. I don’t know if you ever even noticed. But you did it because you knew I was supposed to be there with you. Barry told me that, when he couldn’t remember me, he felt it like a weight in his chest. But you, Taako, you felt me in every act of creation, in every moment of joy when you knew you had something good and you wanted to share it with someone. You can’t say you ever really forgot me when I was with you every time you cooked.”

[forestknifefight]

Blupjeans Week Day Two!

I thought a modern au working on a pier like Santa Monica Pier would be so fun. Please enjoy!

There is a man in a red robe and crisp, blue denim. He leans over the edge of a grandiose metal hull and stares out at the stares as they pass by. He realizes that he’s being watched, and his body tenses for a moment.

He turns and smiles behind horn-rimmed glasses. The corners of his eyes wrinkle delightfully. He looks happy and in love. Beautiful.

“Lu-Lu,” Taako says after Lup finishes describing the dream she had the night before. “You’re being a bit delusional. Delulu, even.”

Lup’s face pinches. She holds her index finger up in front of her brother’s face. “First off, you know how I feel about Lu-Lu, and second, be nice to me, I saw the literal man of my dreams.”

“Yeah, of your delusional dreams,” Taako mutters. He steps to the side and wipes down the grill of his taco stand, cleaning grease from it.

Lup adjusts her position on the bar stool stationed in the corner of Taako’s small kitchen. She grips the edge of the seat cushion and leans forward.

“No, no, Taako, you know this, we’ve discussed this,” she insists. One of her hands comes up, and she points at her temple. “Our brains can’t construct a human face. Every face we see in our dreams, we’ve seen in real life. That means I’ve seen this beautiful, horn-rimmed man before. I need to see him again.”

Taako whips around to face his sister. “Lup, we’ve seen a lot of people,” he says. “We work on a pier. You run a rollercoaster. Speaking of! Don’t you have to be at work right now?”

Lup straightens her back, her face contorting into offense. “You just don’t support my goals and dreams.”

“Not when they interfere with my cooking.” He crosses his arms in front of his chest. “Now get out.”

“Fine.” Lup jumps down from the stool and swipes her bag from the floor next to it. She digs through it and pulls out her employment-issued hat labeled “The Firebolt” and slams it over her head. “I will go to work. I will also not be giving you a free ride today.”

She leaves the small stand, the sound of Taako calling that he doesn’t care following her. She walks around the stand, glancing up at the glittering Sizzle it Up with Taako sign, and rolls her eyes.

The Firebolt is not that far down the pier from Sizzle it Up, but having to wade through crowds of tourists doubles the amount of time it takes to get to the coaster. She rocks up to the control panel, dropping her back next to it, and grins up at Magnus.

“Sorry I’m late, Taako just would not stop talking my ear off,” she says, the lie falling easily past her lips.

Magnus waves his hand at her dismissively. “Yeah, yeah, Lup, sure. I’ll see you tomorrow.” He scoops up his backpack and descends the rickety metal staircase of the ride.

“Later, Maggie!” Lup calls after him.

She double-checks the settings on the control panel before nodding with satisfaction. She and Magnus run this coaster like a well-oiled machine. She jumps down from the panel to the short line, collecting tickets from each passenger as they step up to board a car.

A slightly shorter-than-average red-haired guy hands her a ticket, and she takes it with a smile. He takes the first couple of steps up to the platform before looking back at his friend.

The friend comes up next and extends a ticket to Lup. She wraps her fingers around it and looks up at the passenger.

Her breath catches.

It’s him.

The beautiful, horn-rimmed glasses of the man she saw in her dream. He stares at her in awe, like he’s dreamt of her before as well.

Lup drops her hand from the ticket. “Congratulations, you get to ride for free today,” she says with a wide grin.

A pink blush colors his cheeks. “O-Oh, really?” he stutters. “Th-thanks, uh…” he trails off as he steps past her and up after his friend.

“Oh, me?” she says with a purposefully accentuated drawl and a hand over her chest. “I’m Lup.”

“Lup…” he says wistfully. He smiles at her, and the corners of his eyes crinkle delightfully. “I’m Barry.”

[yourbelgianthings]

aftershocks

a post story and song fic set at dinner with the ipre crew, but it mostly focuses on lup, taako, lucretia, and magnus, 1.9k words, kind of angsty but ends up happy

As the days stretched out further away from the final battle against the Hunger, everyone started to settle more comfortably into their new routines. Magnus training dogs at the Hammer and Tails, Merle taking the next generation out on Extreme Teen Adventures, Taako running his media empire and Amazing School of Magic, Lucretia and Davenport at the newly renamed Bureau of Benevolence slowly helping to rebuild the world, and Barry and Lup helping Kravitz corral souls in the Astral Plane. Of course, they were all very busy and on different schedules, but everyone made time how they could to keep up the relationships that were so dear to them. Carey and Killian loved to go visit Magnus and play with the dogs, and they invited him over for dinner every chance they got. Whenever Barry, Lup, and Kravitz could get some free time to cross back over from the astral plane, they got Taako and went on double dates together. Magnus, Merle, and Taako all took turns visiting Angus regularly at school, and all the other kids were jealous that he had the coolest uncles in town. Although it was difficult to get seven people free at the same time, the former Starblaster crew tried to have dinner together at least once a month. 

On one such night, everyone had just arrived at the Bureau (or headed to the dining room from their other tasks), and were settling in to enjoy another fabulous feast cooked by none other than their very own Taako. He brought out dish after dish, far more food than the seven of them could finish, but he had less time to cook these days, and getting to feed everyone still brought him joy.

“Well, what are you all waiting for?” asked Taako jokingly as he hung up his Kiss the Cook apron (a present from Kravitz). “My famous 40 garlic clove chicken isn’t going to eat itself!” 

Conversation at these dinners would be impossible to follow if you weren’t one of the seven regular guests. It always seemed like there were at least 20 different ones happening at once, and between mouthfuls of food at that. However, when you live with people for an entire century, you come to understand them individually and overall at such a level that a chaotic dinner among yourselves, after everything you’ve been through, is the easiest thing to understand in the world. Lucretia was saying to Merle,

“I always look forward to these evenings together, just one of them has made up for every late night I spent alone in my office,” and he nodded happily and was about to reply when they were interrupted by a fork clattering to the table as Taako whipped around from facing Barry and glared daggers at Lucretia.

“Having to eat alone in your office? I feel so damn bad for you,” he said in a voice dripping with contempt. “Imagine living what you thought was your whole life feeling an emptiness and a disconnect you could never fill because it was the other half of your heart that had been stolen from you. Sound familiar? Oh wait, that’s what you did to me, and Lup ended up stuck in an umbrella. But no, go on, Madame Director.”

Magnus immediately stood up and slammed his hands on the table. 

“What the fuck, Taako?” he exclaimed. “Knock it off now!”

But Taako had already turned and gone back to the kitchen without another word, slamming the door behind him. Lucretia’s eyes welled with tears, and she fidgeted with her napkin.

“I’m so sorry, everyone. Please excuse me.” She left through another door in the opposite direction. 

“I don’t know what’s gotten into him,” Magnus sighed, but before he could continue, Lup spoke up: “I do. Let me handle this one, Mags, you can go check on Lucretia, okay?” They briefly hugged and split up to go do damage control. 

Merle could tell that Barry wanted to follow Lup before he even said so, so he turned to him and advised, “Better to stay here until they figure out what’s going on, and Lup will get you if she needs you. Feelings are running high right now, but nobody is in any danger. It’ll be okay.” Barry nodded silently, and Davenport pulled out a deck of cards.

“Just like old times, Merle. Man, we used to play for hours when we got the chance. Barry, you got winner?” He shuffled and began to deal across to Merle, and Barry relaxed now that there was a distraction. The three of them settled in for what was likely to be many rounds of cards as they waited for the rest of their friends to get back. 

Lup swung open the door of the kitchen to see Taako aggressively washing dishes. She grabbed a towel, stepped beside him, and said casually, “I’ll dry.” He paused, but only for a second, and handed her a plate. 

“How do you stay so calm, Lup? We’re hearing her say the same things and what happened was to both of us.” Taako set down the pot and washcloth and hopped up onto the counter to face his twin sister. The dishes could wait, he had really only been trying (and failing) to get his anger out, and nobody calmed him down better than Lup. 

She replied, “Nobody needs to suffer anymore, Taako. That’s what we died so many times for, that’s what everyone here helped us fight for. I know you don’t think so, but Lucretia really was alone for a while, with the secret of what she did, and that’s some heavy stuff.” 

“Lup, darling, I’m sorry, but I don’t give a shit. I’ve never been very trusting of a lot of people and this has just proved me right. Yes, we won, and it’s great running Taako’s Amazing School of Magic rather than hopping from planet to planet and dying a bunch. But I didn’t hurt Lucretia, in fact, the case is quite the opposite. I’m just,” and here his bravado lapsed as his voice lowered, “I’m just not able to forgive her yet.”

Lup came to sit next to her brother and hold his hand. 

“I’m proud of you, Taako. You know, since not lying is usually hard for you.” This comment earned her an elbow to the side, and she giggled. “Seriously though, it’s okay that you aren’t ready. But please, at least stop trying to punish her more than she already has herself. Do it for me, if that helps. I don’t want to see my brother and my good friend like this anymore.”

Taako bit his lip, and then slowly agreed, “Okay, for you, Lulu.”

“Taako! I told you to never call me that again!” She reached over to swat him with her towel, but he jumped off the counter and ran across the kitchen laughing. That was her twin brother, alright, and she knew he was going to be okay as she chased him, grinning from ear to ear. 

Down the other hallway, Magnus approached Lucretia’s office. It still felt a little strange to be able to freely enter it as a friend, and not to only be invited in for mission briefings as a subordinate, but he had adjusted quickly. The two of them had shared a special bond during their time on the Starblaster, having been the same age and therefore both the youngest of the crew. He easily swung open the heavy wooden door, and saw Lucretia sitting at her desk with the chair turned to face the window, staring out at the stars. 

“Lucretia? It’s Magnus,” he said quietly as he entered, so as not to startle her, but she jumped slightly anyway. She turned to greet him with a sad smile. 

“Yes, hello. I know what you’re probably thinking, but I’ll be fine and I don’t want you to miss out on the rest of dinner.”

“Well, no worries there, I don’t think there is a ‘rest of dinner’ right now. Lup and Taako are in the kitchen and I bet the rest of the guys are playing cards or something waiting for us all to come back.”

Lucretia sighed and sat down on the dark blue couch against the wall, motioning for Magnus to join her. “You know, Magnus, I’ve been so much happier these days,” she mused. “Now, we get to help people rebuild. Everyone at the Bureau of Benevolence is truly working together, and I feel like rather than just working to undo the damage we did and reset to zero, we’re actually making things better. But maybe that’s not true…maybe I’ll always just be playing catchup for what I took from the people I love the most.” She looked down at her hands, and realized she was squeezing them in fists so hard there were fingernail marks left on her palms. Magnus gently uncurled each of her fingers and took her slender hands in his large, callused ones. 

“Come on now, Luci,” he reassured her with the nickname that started between them at some point during the IPRE mission and he had promptly brought back once he was able to remember it. “You’re way too hard on yourself. What you did with Fisher and Junior hurt you too, just in a different way than the rest of us. I won’t make excuses for Taako, but you know how cold and distant he can get. He’s gonna take a little longer to come around and that’s not on you.”

Lucretia looked into Magnus’s warm and caring eyes. “Is it wrong for me to feel happiness, Magnus?”

“You don’t need to ask me that, and I know you know you don’t need to. Grief and guilt may obscure the answer some days, but it’s always the same. Actually, follow me.”

He stood up and strode out the door, down the hall towards the courtyard, where a tall gray dog with a shaggy coat had been asleep on the grass. When Lucretia saw it, she just laughed.

“New era, new rules, huh? I don’t think that one even got approved by me,” she joked. Magnus led her over to the dog, which he woke up and gave a treat. 

“I believe introductions are in order,” he said in an overly formal tone with a big smile. “Lucretia, this is Johann, Johann, this is Lucretia. Can you shake?” Since Magnus was of course excellent at his job training dogs, Johann sat up and put his paw in Lucretia’s hand. 

“It’s good to see you again, Johann,” whispered Lucretia with tears in her eyes. She knelt down to pet the happy dog and Magnus put an arm around her shoulders. When Lucretia had had her fill of time with the dog (and also sharing some of her favorite memories about Johann the human), she and Magnus walked back to her office to see a note on the door. It read:

“Enclosed in the box below is one dozen elderflower macarons, if I recall, you quite enjoyed them on Candlenights. I would say something about thinking of our friendship when you eat them, but that’s bullshit, so I won’t. Anyway, I would hate for your dinner to get cold, and it seems like Barry is looking for seconds…xoxo Taako”

“Leave it to Taako to be a total drama queen even when he’s trying to apologize,” laughed Magnus. Lucretia just smiled and picked up the box of cookies to put on her desk for later. 

“Let’s go back to the dining room now, Magnus. If Taako isn’t just pulling my leg, we don’t have much time before my dinner gets handed over to Barry!”

[holdmecloser-gandydancer]

for the prompts to shake things up: 21 with thb and/or anyone else you feel like from at the bureau, if you feel so inclined!

"so it was YOU who took a full bite out of that stick of butter!! please. please. why??" from this prompt list!

Taako can’t stand living with other people.

Eh, that’s a little harsh, he supposes. He can stand it just fine, he just hates it. That’s a little nicer. Probably.

It’s not so much the being around other people he hates, it’s the sharing of space. He’s very particular with how he thinks stuff should be arranged. That’s not such a bad thing, he thinks.

But the communal kitchen thing will probably kill him if it doesn’t kill a colleague first.

He swears he’s the only motherfucker on this moon who has any idea what food safety even is. Every single day he has to remind these dunces that meat can’t defrost on the counter and milk shouldn’t be stored in the door and that you shouldn’t eat two fucking deviled eggs that have been sitting out on a windowsill for gods know how long, are you actually a lunatic?

That’s why he takes advantage of the kitchen at, what some might call, whack ass hours. Nobody to bother him, nobody sniffing around his pots and pans, nobody trying to sneak a bite.

He doesn’t share food and nobody needs to know why.

He’s craving an omelet. A fancy one. One with potatoes. And spinach. And lots of goat cheese. And onions. And garlic.

He’s contemplating more components as he whips his eggs up. As he’s rummaging around one of the cabinets he’s charmed, he idly wonders whose bright idea it was to build a secret moonbase without decent storage in the living spaces. His hand closes around the cool metal of his nice copper pan and he does his best to extract it noiselessly.

He turns the burner on and looks around for his nice butter. They apparently like, sing to the cows or some shit. It’s one of the little luxuries he’ll indulge in since it just makes food taste so much better. When he pulls it out of the fridge, however, he’s horrified to see just how the damn stick’s been brutalized.

He can’t use the rest of the stick, the thought genuinely makes him want to gag. So now he’s out a nice breakfast and a few silver pieces.

Good thing he’s going to be so calm and normal about this butter abuse.

-

Attention all occupants of this dormitory, please make your way to the kitchen ASAP. Or else.

Taako, what are you—

All good here, Madam D, never you mind!

Taako, this is inappropriate use of Bureau—

The intercom cuts off abruptly. Even with having just met the guy, Magnus has a feeling that Taako means business and isn’t keen on waiting. Merle and Robbie stir and make their way to the elevator. On their way down to the kitchen, even more groggy Bureau members step onto the elevator.

Merle and Magnus find themselves quietly humming along to the tune.

They all find Taako standing in the dorm kitchen and scowling. He says nothing for a moment before marching up to Robbie. “Open your mouth.”

He looks down the line at other Bureau members. “Uh, wh—”

“Just show me your teeth and this will be painless,” Taako demands, clutching a stick of butter in other hand.

After a reasonable amount of hesitation, Robbie opens his mouth and grimaces, exposing his teeth.

Taako squints, looking from the butter to Robbie’s mouth and back to the butter. “Close it, you’re clean.”

“Taako, what’re you doing ‘sides freaking out Rusty here?” Merle asks.

“Uh my name’s actually Robbie,” Robbie clarifies before being waved off by Taako.

“Well, Merle, I was just trying to make myself a bangin’ breakfast. Big ol’ omelet with a ton of shit. But do you know what the first step of making an omelet is?” Taako paces up and down the line of Bureau members he’s assembled in the kitchen, smacking the stick of butter in his hand against his palm.

“Cracking some eggs?” Avi ventures. Taako glares at him.

“Cracking some eggs,” Taako repeats, “Is but one of many ‘first steps’ in making an omelet. Don’t ask how there are multiple first steps, I am a wizard and a chef, not a fucking scientist. But perhaps the most important step is putting a big knob of butter in the pan and letting it become nice and foamy. But I can’t do that today! And do any of you care to venture a guess as to why?”

He’s met with blank stares. Typical.

“It’s because one of you has decided to bite into my stick of butter with your gaping wide maw,” Taako hisses.

“Can’t you just like, transmute some more butter or some shit? That way you don’t have to interrogate us at ass-o’clock in the morning?” Killian says flatly.

It’s a blink and you’ll miss it moment, but Taako’s jaw tightens and his eyes harden a little. Whatever comes out of his mouth next is going to be some evasive shit and Magnus knows it. And he’s not sure how.

“It’s about the principle of it all,” Taako deflects. That tracks.

“Wait, I thought we were calling her the Director, not the principal,” Merle interjects.

Taako casts him a withering glare. “Also, who has the spell slots to waste?”

Magnus grimaces and puts his hand up. “Hey, listen, Taako. Don’t be mad—”

“Probably gonna be mad now, my man.”

“—But it was me,” Magnus admits. “You can check it against my teeth or something.”

“I could cast Zone of Truth,” Merle offers.

“Eh, not so sure you should be wasting your spell slots. After all, they’re so helpful when you use them,” Taako says. “Why the actual shit have you done this?”

Magnus looks around sheepishly for a minute. “Well, I was eating this spicy soup, like really spicy, and my mouth was burning and you said that drinking milk straight from the carton was a no go but I also knew that dairy soothed mouth burn.”

Taako doesn’t say anything for a little while. He pinches the bridge of his nose and lets out a sigh that could extinguish a hundred years’ worth of birthday candles. “So instead of drinking milk straight from the carton, you decide to bite my stick of nice butter.”

Magnus nods.

“I hate the moon.” He tosses the stick of butter towards Magnus. “You’re all dismissed, except Magnus who is going to Fantasy Costco, replacing my butter, and dealing with that cat at the cash register.”

[herbgerblin]

link to the blupjeans fic about fucking in the catacombs?

Lmao when I say I minor I mean a conversation in a fic that is not about them. but frankly it would be funny if that was in itself a fic. Anyway it’s this one and also here’s the scene:

—

“I’m running out of date ideas!” Taako grumbles. He sits at the table with Lup, two practically empty dinner plates between them.

“You could visit the Goldcliff Catacombs?” Barry offers, washing pots in the kitchen.

“Goldcliff has catacombs?” Taako asks.

“Gotta put all those bodies that accidently fell off the cliffs somewhere,” Lup explains.

“Noted,” Taako says, scrunching his nose. He messes around with a single brussel sprout on his plate. “I don’t know. Visiting some dusty, underground caverns sounds like a less than ideal date.”

“I beg to differ,” Lup replies. “Barry and I went there during our honeymoon. Very romantic.”

“Taako is not going into a dark, creepy, cavernous gravesite,” He mutters. “At least not without available backup.” He looks up as Barry walks into the dining room and pulls up a seat beside Lup. “What if we made it a double date? You two have been there before, you could give us a tour!”

“Can’t,” Lup and Barry both say.

“What do you mean can’t? ” Taako asks.

“We’ve…” Barry starts, and his face slowly turns a peculiar shade of red. “Been banned.”

Taako squints. “Banned? How do you get banned from the catacombs? Geez, I know you’re intense mortuary nerds, but what were you trying to do? Reanimate them?”

“ Something was animated , ” Lup mumbles, eyes locked on her plate.

“No,” Taako says. He stands up. “No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You did not.”

“It was our honeymoon.”

“NO. I hate you guys, oh my gods.” He rushes out of the room. “I’m never talking goth dates with you again!” He stomps out of the room, hands over ears, and hurries up the stairs.

“I’d steer clear of the Old Castle in Rockport as well,” Lup calls after him.

“I can’t hear you!” Taako yells back, followed by incoherent shouting.

[barry-j-blupjeans]

28 from the monster mash prompts (costume party, delicious food) please? With Taakitz if that's okay?

Thank you!

Image ID: An ask from anonymous that says: 28 for taako!

28. The party theme is sexy costume. But it has to be weird, or you don’t get to eat the delicious food I’m making. 

--

Kravitz had been dreading this day. Mainly because he was bad at events. For the past seventeen years, he had managed to avoid hosting any important parties, events, or celebrations. Sure, Taako had hosted some. And Kravitz had helped, sure, sure, sure. He was a loving boyfriend/husband (they weren't putting a label on it but Taako wasn't currently upset at him for anything, so it was husband) and he would assist where he could.

But planning? Hosting? Without Taako as a buffer? Kravitz had never wished so badly for something not to happen.

"This is going to be awful," Kravitz said, his face in his hands. He was sitting against the kitchen door as Taako cooked from inside. Usually, he'd help, but today was a Bad Day and Kravitz would be more of an obstacle than an aid. Whatever it was smelled delicious.

"For sure," Taako said, muffled through the door.

"Everyone's gonna hate me," Kravitz said.

"No doubt," Taako said.

Kravitz groaned, leaning his head up against the kitchen door. The party was set to start in thirty minutes but knowing his friends the way he did, someone would show up before them. And someone would show up several hours late. Kravitz secretly hoped that the late person was Merle. He did not want to know what Merle had planned. The ominous chuckling in the background of the call they had had with him last night did nothing to help.

It'll be fine, Taako had said. You just gotta have some fun with it.

Except "fun" and "events" did not go hand in hand for him. "Fun" was sitting with Taako on the couch and watching another rerun of Fantasy Hell's Kitchen. "Events" were Lup ragging on him for two hours straight while everything else was super loud and bad and noisy. Granted, that was his workday, but home was supposed to be safe. And "events" were not a Kravitz-being-around-Lup safe event. Events were not a Kravitz-being-around-anybody safe event.

"Look," Taako said. "If it goes horribly, we can just kick them out. But it's not gonna go horribly. You did a good job planning it-"

"I've barely done anything planning," Kravitz said with a moderate amount of terror.

"Okay, well, you did a good job getting up this morning and now we're here, so you're gonna have to stick it out. If anyone shows up in a weird, actually super sexy costume, then we'll kick 'em out. Easy as pie."

"I don't know how to make pie," Kravitz said miserably.

"We've been married for how many years and you don't know how to make pie???"

"When did we get-"

The doorbell rang. Kravitz stopped.

"I thought we got married last year?" Taako said. Slowly, slowly, Kravitz reached up to twist the kitchen door knob and slotted himself inside. And then, "oh, no you don't, babe." A foot nudged him back out the door. Kravitz pathetically scooted forward. "Go socialize."

There was a loud rapping on the door now. Persistent. Kravitz feared it was Lup and Barry. But Merle would be worse.

"Can't I just-"

"Go," Taako said, shutting the kitchen door. He heard it lock. Damn him for thinking that getting Taako a lock for the kitchen was a good candlenights gift. Kravitz got to his feet, dusting his shirt off. It might be notable to say he was dressed like an over-the-top sexy jelly jar. It complimented Taako's peanut butter costume brilliantly but his back itched so much.

Okay. Okay, okay, okay. Regular conversations as if he was dressed like a regular man. Good friends, nice event, nothing bad will happen. What could possibly go wrong with this?

Kravitz opened the door.

Kravitz closed the door. He paused, and then locked it. Someone pressed the bell three times in quick succession. He shuffled back over to the kitchen door and leaned against it, slowly sliding down to the door. After a moment or two, where there was both knocking and bell ringing at the door, Taako creaked open the kitchen door again.

"It's Magnus, isn't it?" Taako said grimly.

"It's Magnus," Kravitz said.

[liltaz-asatreat]

Broken Trust

Also on ao3!

~

Lup walks into the kitchen to find Taako furiously mixing up the ninth bowl of cupcake batter in the past 48 hours. There isn't enough room in the fridge for all of the cupcakes he's making, but that hasn't stopped him from banging around in the kitchen for hours for the past two days. Nor has it convinced him to just talk to her about what's upsetting him.

Taako may be stubborn, but Lup can be just as stubborn as him, and she's not going to leave this kitchen without getting him to at least acknowledge to her that he's upset and what he's upset about.

She leans against the opposite wall from him with her arms crossed over her chest. “Ko.”

Taako stiffens and glances up at her for a second before he looks back down at the bowl and starts mixing it faster. “I'm busy.”

Lup sighs. “I'm worried about you.”

“Don't be.”

She frowns. “I'm will be anyway.”

Taako snorts as he slams the bowl down on the counter. As he reaches for the cupcake tin, he says, “What do you want, Lup?”

“I know what you're upset about, and I know you didn't want to talk to me about it before when I wasn't in my body because you feel weird about it. And that's okay, but I'm fully back now, and I'm tired of dancing around the issue.” Her face softens a little as she says, “I just want to talk it out with you.”

“I'm not dancing around any issue,” Taako says shortly. “You're back now, so we have nothing to talk about.”

“You're still very obviously upset–”

“I'm not upset, Lup! Taako is feeling just peachy.” He doesn't look at her as he dolls out spoonfuls of batter into the tin.

“You've made like, a hundred cupcakes in the past two days.” Lup says. “Please just talk to me? I can't do anything to help us work through this if you don't open up.”

“You have nothing you need to do to help me work through anything. There isn't even anything that I need to work through. There's just something that needs to be fixed, and I'm the only one who can fix it.”

She crinkles her eyebrows in confusion. “Wait, I thought this was about me leaving and dying and getting trapped in an umbrella for twelve years. What on earth do you need to fix?”

Taako throws the spoon down in the bowl, causing it to tip over and spill its contents onto the counter top. He turns around and looks at her with so much pain, venom, and fury that she's never seen directed at her from him before. “I don't know, Lup! What do I need to fix?”

Lup winces and hesitates before tentatively saying, “I literally don't know what you're talking about.”

Taako breathes heavily before spitting, “What did I do to lose your trust?”

She jerks her head back a little, taken aback by that question. “What do you mean?”

“I thought I made my question pretty clear. What did I do that made you stop trusting me?”

“I– I do trust you, Taako. I don't understand–”

He laughs sourly. “That's a whole load of horse shit right there.”

“What–?”

“You haven't trusted me since at least cycle 82 which, let me check–” He pretends to count his fingers before glaring back up at her. “–was almost 30 years ago.”

Lup's heart sinks. “You've been letting this fester for 30 years? Taako, why didn't you bring this up before? And what did I do that made you think I don't trust you?”

“I didn't bring it up before because you're now made up of magic duct tape and wishes, and I'm only bringing it up now because you won't leave me alone about it, and you're at least back in your body, and I figured, you know, you survived being by yourself and trapped in a stick, so you must be able to take some of my anger.” Taako says as he rolls his eyes.

“And I don't know, Lup, what could you have possibly done that made me think you don't trust me? Could it have to do with the fact that you didn't talk to me about the lich plan before you went through with it? Or the fact that you didn't even mention it until the very end of the most important day that's supposed to be one of your anchors to hold on to yourself and keep yourself stabilized, so I couldn't say or do anything to upset you in case it would ruin it and put you in more danger?

“I spent years wracking my brain trying to figure out why you didn't trust me enough to tell me about it beforehand, but I eventually tried to put it aside because it was over, and I couldn't afford to question it while we were running from the apocalypse. Plus, you seemed to trust me again, so I thought I could ignore it. But then you had to pull the little stunt of not fucking telling anyone where you were going or what you were doing, so what am I supposed to think about that, Lup? Oh, you definitely trust me, and that's why you couldn't be bothered to even send one 25 word message!”

“I did it on a whim, Taako, you know that,” Lup says quietly, fighting back tears. “I was just trying to do some cloud gazing to clear my head, and the battle was happening below me, and I couldn't just leave the Gauntlet there to be picked up by the next person who was going to use it to kill and destroy a bunch more people.”

Taako crosses his arms. “You did it on a whim, yes, but I imagine that it had to have taken some time to find Cyrus and get to Wave Echo Cave. I didn't think you had him on speed dial.”

“I–”

“Out of curiosity, how long did it take to find Cyrus and make it to Wave Echo Cave?” he seethes.

“I– I don't know, Taako.” Lup swallows the lump building in her throat, but it stubbornly remains firmly planted in its position. “It was a few days I think?”

“And in that time, it didn't occur to you to stop and think for a second to tell me or someone else where the fuck you were?”

“I didn't–”

“And then you had the audacity to ask me if I trusted you before we jumped off the moon base down to Phandalin!” He's back to yelling, and Lup winces at the noise. “Right after I let you out of that stupid fucking umbrella after being gone for twelve fucking years! And of course I had to say yes because the world was fucking ending!”

She feels like she got kicked in the chest by a horse, and she finds herself unable to breathe. “Taako, I–” She shakes her head. “So you don't trust me now too?” she asks quietly.

Taako stiffens again and stays silent for a moment. “I want to, Lup. I really do. But I honestly don't know because you broke our fucking sacred pact!”

Lup feels even more crushed and small than she already did which should have been impossible. “I'm so–”

“Remember when we were twelve? And we had just left Tía's?” Taako asks heatedly.

As he does, Lup can hear a tear in spacetime open up in the living room, but Taako's on a roll.

“You promised me that we were never going to be separated! You fucking promised me you weren't going to leave me! That we weren't going to leave each other!” He yells.

Silent tears roll down Lup's face, and she takes in a short gasp of air. “Taako, I swear it was an accident, and I'm so sorry. I promise I'm never going to leave you again.”

“Then tell me what I did wrong,” he demands. “Tell me what I did that made you not trust me.”

“You didn't do anything, Koko,” she whispers. “I do trust you.”

He continues to glare at her until they hear an awkward cough in the doorway to the kitchen. They both look over to see Barry standing there looking severely uncomfortable. “I uh... I just wanted to let you know that Kravitz won't be back until later. He has to finish up some paperwork on the other side.”

“Yeah, fine, whatever.” Taako mumbles. “I'm going to go lay down. And you–” He points a finger at Lup with one final glower on his face. “–you've gotta come up with a better answer than 'you do trust me' because that's obviously not true, and I need to know how to fix it. Or you could fuck off again. Your prerogative. See if I care. You know it isn't the first time someone's abandoned me, nor would it be the last because that's all anyone ever does. Including, apparently, you.”

“Taako, please...” Lup whispers, but he just pushes past Barry and storms down the hallway and up the stairs.

[starl1t-vo1d]

Unfortunate Timing - TAZ - Taako & Lup

“Yo! Paging space cadet Taako, you there bro?”

“Huh? What? Yeah, I’m totally listening.” Taako rolled his eyes, shoving Lup away from poking his face. “I’m so sorry or happy for you.” 

“Okay ignoring the fact that you have been spacing out a ton recently, I asked a question dingus.” 

“Okay so repeat it goofus,” Taako snapped, and honestly he didn’t mean to sound so annoyed but he was tired and not in a sociable mood. 

He ignored Lup’s startled look and refocused on chopping the carrots in front of him. It was Lup so really she should be able to tell that he wasn’t up for chatting, he just wanted to finish making dinner. “Mmm no, no I don’t think I will, instead how about you tell me what’s up?”

“Nothing is, let’s just finish dinner.”

“Come on, you know I know you better than that Koko.”

“Then you should know to drop it.” Taako set down his knife and rinsed his hands. “I’m not hungry, you can handle the rest, right?” Not waiting for Lup’s response as he left the kitchen.

It wasn’t her fault that he was moody she didn’t know and frankly, he wasn’t sure he wanted to explain it. As he flopped onto his bed he realized that maybe that's why it seemed like these past few days were worse because this time around the one person who should understand perfectly what he was going through didn’t. After the whole saving the planet thing Lup and him had talked for a long time filling each other in on most of the details of what had happened during their separation. But despite how long they talked it was obvious to the both of them that they had changed on their own.

---

Read the rest on ao3!!

[ungarmax]

Oregon trail script

i one time started making an oregon trail clone with taz characters in it like it was one of the cycles, but unfortunately, since i was using rpg maker mv, it didn't really run very well. i did, however, write part of a script for it. here's what happens if you choose taako to go on the oregon trail and leave lup back at the starblaster:

TAAKO: ...and if you use the last of my green nail polish, I won’t forgive you.

LUP: You can just transmute more next cycle.

TAAKO: Yeah, and I won’t forgive you for making me waste a spell slot on nail polish!

LUP: What if I transmute some? Like. You know that is a thing I can also do, right? Suuuper amazing, gifted, talented wizard right here.

TAAKO: Gross. You’ll fuck it up, like you did with my cologne.

LUP: Okay, fair, but that was fuckin’ hilarious.

TAAKO: It was not hilarious! I smelled like dogs and sweat! For a week!

LUP: Hey, Eau de Magnus was one of my greatest creations, and you should be honored that you were involved in its inception. If you find something cool out there, you better keep it with you until we come pick you up, yeah?

TAAKO: Duh. Don’t blow up my kitchen while I’m gone.

LUP: I’m absolutely gonna blow up your kitchen.

TAAKO: I can’t believe my sister is the literal worst person ever.

LUP: Don’t hafta flatter me. Get out of here, babe. And be careful. Don’t die.

TAAKO: That’s rich, coming from Miss ‘I wonder what falling into a volcano is like.’

LUP: That was an accident! Seriously, T. Come back alive, yeah?

TAAKO: ‘Course.

[noodyl-blasstal]

number 9 or 19 for the prompt list for taakitz if you're feeling inspired? :)

Thank you so much for this prompt which is from this list (I’m still open to requests.) Sorry the reply itself is un-prompt (I spiralled), but hopefully you'll forgive me!

Read below or on Ao3.

--

Man, that’s going to stain…How’s it going?/ Well, haha, (doesn’t answer)

–

Kavitz screws all his courage to his sticking point and opens his eyes. He looks at the cake. He looks at his hands. He looks at the kitchen counter. They’re all still the same; bright red, unpleasantly sticky, and mocking him. The ‘icing’ could have at least had the decency to dry slightly in the air by now, but no, he’s made some kind of sugar based slime that is intent on eating everything - especially Taako’s worktops. 

Taako’s worktops… Taako definitely absolutely loves these worktops more than Kravitz. Kravitz knows this, everyone knows this, so why on earth had he decided to try his hand at baking at Taako’s house instead of his own? Maybe it was because he spent more of his non-death crime battling time here than anywhere else, he hadn’t spent a non-work night on the Astral Plane since well… hmm… and all his stuff was here, so it made sense, perfect sense. Or it would, if he hadn’t just committed a crime against baking, nature, and kitchens in general, there was no way Taako wasn’t going to notice.

He’s stuck, is the problem. He can’t operate his phone with his sugary murder hands even though it will absolutely be worth Sloane laughing at him if she can save him from this. Sadly it’s not like he can just go over there… although, no, actually, it’s exactly like he can just go over there! Kravitz reaches out his hand, and only winces slightly at the wet sound his scythe makes as it zoops into it. It’s fine. It’ll clean, and if not he can just tell people it’s blood and they’ll think he’s extra fearsome probably definitely maybe.

He cuts a very careful rift, if he can place it just right then… Kravitz leans his face gingerly into the rift and uses his nose to press the doorbell. He learned very quickly after Sloane and Hurley started dating that it was important to rift outside and wait for someone to answer the door. Sloane tugs said door open as he’s reaching his nose out to press the bell for a second time.

“Kravitz? What, and I cannot stress this enough, the fuck?” She folds her arms and gives him a look which means he’s definitely never going to hear the end of this.

“I need some help.”

Sloane raises her eyebrows.

“It’s a cake problem.”

“You didn’t!?”

“I…”

“Kravitz! After last time? And the time before… and…”

“I thought it might be different.”

“Because?”

“Taako’s good at baking.”

“And you figured cake osmosis was a thing?” Sloane’s lack of sympathy would be hurtful if she wasn’t entirely correct.

“On reflection, it wasn’t the best idea I’ve had in my life.” An understatement, but he doesn’t have time to properly catalogue this error right now. It can haunt him when he’s lying awake at 3am for the rest of his life instead.

“How bad is it?”

“It’s not sentient.” He’s remaining optimistic.

“Yet…” She mutters.

“I gave it a bit and it seems fine.”

“Uh huh.”

“I know that’s what I said last time, but I really think it’s okay.”

“If I had a gold piece for every time…” Sloane begins.

“Please just help.” Kravitz must sound pathetic enough because Sloane just rolls her eyes, and smiles fondly.

“Okay, are you coming to me or am I coming to you?”

Kravitz holds up his non-scythed hand.

“I’m coming to you,okay. Gimme a minute and a me-sized rift?”

“Thank you.” Kravitz nods and splices.

–

There’s a shuffling noise and Sloane opens the door again.

“Why do you even have a hazmat suit?” Kravitz tries not to feel offended, he doesn’t succeed.

“It’s not a hazmat, that would be overkill, it’s a tyvek.”

“And you have it because?”

“Do you wanna know?” The distinct edge to her question tells him he definitely doesn’t.

“Is it for work?”

“Yes.”

“The flower shop job?”

“Nope, and you said you don’t wanna know anything that you could be compelled to give up in a court of law so…”

“So I won’t ask any further questions and should instead be grateful that you’re coming to help save me and Taako’s worktops?”

“You got it on Taako’s worktops? Kravitz! I’m going to miss you.”

“I don’t know if he can kill me.”

“Here lies Kravitz…” Says Sloane as she steps through the rift. “... The bestest friend a gal could ask for. I’ll miss his ability to transport me without paying bus fare most of all.”

“Thanks Sloane, you always know how to make me feel better.” Kravitz says dryly.

“So you sure fucked this up, yeah?” Sloane looks around at the general devastation.

“The cake might be nice?” Kravitz points with a sticky hand.

“Mmhmm.” Says Sloane like she wants to believe him but can’t.

“But… it’s just… yeah…” He trails off.

“Have you tried anything yet?” 

“Er…”

“Water?”

“I can’t touch the tap.” Kravitz brandishes his free-hand. Tries for a second time to banish his scythe, fails. Maybe he doesn’t need to mention that specific issue to Sloane yet. “It’s really sticky.”

“Right. I’ll try water first. Do you have sponges you don’t care about?”

“As opposed to the sponges I do care about?”

“Hey, Kravitz, do you remember who you live with? The man who cares about nothing more than his kitchen and nearly broke up with you when you scrubbed the cast iron? You think he doesn’t have opinions about your sponges?”

She has a point. “There’s some in the garage.” He starts to move towards the door.

“No!” Sloane grabs the back of his suit and pulls. “You stay here, we need to keep the crime scene secured. By which I mean you specifically. Don’t move.

It’s a good point. Kravitz is going to stay so still. “I can’t quite remember where they…”

Sloane’s gone before he can finish and back too quickly for him to think about in depth. There’s definitely no reason for that which relates to her ability to case a joint.

“I’m going to try cold water first in case hot water makes it harden… or, you know, go on fire.” 

“That was one time!” 

“One time too many, Kravitz. One time too many.”

He opens his mouth and shuts it firmly again. The ‘gift to science’ defence doesn’t really work when he still doesn’t know how he did it.

Sloane dabs gingerly at the very edge of the worktop spatter. They both lean away in anticipation. Nothing happens. “No explosions is a good start.” She  says cheerfully, as she walks back to the sink. “I’ll test hot now.” She repeats the leaning, runs the hot tap directly onto the red spot on the sponge.

“Is it helping?”

“Nope.”

“Soap?”

She tries. “Nope.”

“How hard do you think it is to replace an entire kitchen and also me in… er…” Kravitz glances at the clock. “2 hours?”

“If anyone can do it’s Magnus. Well… maybe not you. You could ring your Mum?”

“She’s not my Mum.”

“Then why did I have to get my parents to call her before I was allowed to come play and why did I have to call her Mrs The Raven Queen when I came to visit?”

“That’s manners.”

“So anyway, call your Mum.”

“I’m not calling my Mum… I mean. Fuck. Sloane! Stop laughing! Can you help me ring Magnus?”

“Why can’t you…” Kravitz brandishes his hand again. “Ah. Fine. Where’s your phone?”

Kravitz swings a hip towards her.

“Nope.”

“Sloane!”

She rolls her eyes. Hard. “It’s a good job I love you, you know that?”

“Like I haven’t earned this.”

“Hey, I’ve never…”

“Don’t make me bring up The Plantcident.” Kravitz side eyes her as she reaches for his phone.

“Urgh, you’ll never let me forget that, will you? I maintain it could have happened to anyone.”

“But instead it happened to you and I had to talk the bank manager down so he didn’t press charges.”

“It’s a good thing you’re so clean cut and know all the fancy words. Now, sssh... “Sloane holds his phone up to his ear.” … it’s ringing.” 

“Wait, how did you know my code?”

Sloane doesn’t answer, she just smiles unnervingly instead. Kravitz worries sometimes about how much and how little he knows her all at once.

Magnus picks up before Kravitz can ask any more ill-advised questions (because he definitely doesn’t want to know the answers to them.)

“Hello Magnus, I just had a quick…. Yes? Oh… yes… No of course I think he’s a very clever boy… No, it’s okay, you don’t have to put me on to hi… Hello Johann. Magnus says you did a very good job today. Well done… Magnus? … Magnus?... Johann, can you get Magnus?... …. … MAGNUS?” Sloane winces. Kravitz mouths a quick sorry her way. “Great! Magnus, I… No, don’t hang up, I rang because I had a question, you know the kitchen worktops? … Mmmhm, yeah, they’re incredible, how long did they take you to make?... Oh? A week? Wow… And that was quick?” Kravitz widens his eyes at Sloane, her face doesn’t give anything away. “... and if it was a rush order? Oh… it was? Wow. Yeah. Lots of intricate bits…. Mmm… yes, you’re right, it is a funny shape in here. Good point… okay, so if someone had say, for example, stained them, how would one go about getting that stain out?... No it’s not a sex thing!... Magnus!... Do you really want to know the answer to that?... I didn’t think so… Look, it’s a hypothetical question which I  need the answer to please?... Yes, haha, you’re right it is a good thing it’s hypothetical, Taako would be really upset yes, but if you could just tell me… you know, for the thought exercise, yes, right… It would depend on the stain? So if something was sticky and had food dye?... Magnus please, you have to focus… Okay… Yep… Water… nail polish remover… baking powder and vinegar… toothpaste… yes we’ll try that… yes of course hypothetically… no, please don’t tell him… Because nothing has happened. Everything’s fine. Sloane can tell you.” 

Kravitz gives Sloane a pleading look and she retracts the phone to speak to Magnus herself. “Hey Magnus, yep, all fine here… Ha, yeah, just playing a fun hypothetical game, you know how we do that… give my love to Julia and Johann... Yeah, thanks from both of us… Bye!”

“So water didn’t work, but we can try the nail polish remover and the toothpaste, and I’m fairly sure Taako has the baking powder and vinegar.

“Be right back.” Sloane’s gone before Kravitz can tell her where anything is.

He tries to un-summon his scythe again while he waits. Nothing happens. He tries again, double hard, it tries to leave, there’s a second where it might, but no. Stuck fast. The door creaks open slowly before he can try a third time.

“I didn’t even know it was possible to get magic stuck to you.” He sighs.

Sloane doesn’t reply.

“Sloane?”

There’s a skittering noise. No. Oh fuck no.

“SLOANE!” Kravitz yells, hoping she’ll hear him before whichever one of them it is can get themselves stuck too.

“Pss pss pss pss pss.” He keeps his arms well out of reach, and moves slowly towards the door.

It’s Tiny Taco, of course it’s Tiny Taco. 

“Hello there, why don’t you go back out into the hall? You can play with your toys and your friends. It’ll be so nice out there in the rest of the house, in literally any room but this room.” 

Tiny Taco struts confidently forward and rubs his head fondly against Kravitz’s legs. This is the most affection he has ever shown him. Kravitz fights the impulse to lean into it, it’s all part of the ploy. Maybe if he slowly shuffles towards the door?

“You yelled?” Sloane asks from the doorway?

Kravitz turns to look at her. It’s all the distraction Tiny Taco needs and he makes a break for it.

“No no no no no no no!” Kravitz tries to block him with his body, Taco dodges. “Sloane can you…?”

She tries, she does. She moves fast. It’s not fast enough.

Kravitz reaches out and grabs him.

“Kravitz!” Sloane thwacks her palm against her head. “You had one job and it was standing still.”

Taco’s already squirming in his hand, this is going to get ugly fast.

“Shout at me later. Help, please?”

Sloane sighs unnecessarily loudly. “I’m taking a photo.”

“What? Sloane, no.”

“Do you want my help or not?”

Kravitz knows better than to try and bargain with her. “Fine.”

“Smile!” 

Kravitz is not going to smile.

“Smile or I’m not helping.”

Kravitz smiles.

“Okay, what goes best with cat? Toothpaste?”

Taco wriggles again and digs his claws sharply into Kravitz’s arm.

“Ouch! Anything, just try.”

Sloane shrugs and brandishes the Aquafresh. “Brace yourself.”

It works, eventually. Kravitz has fresh scratches, but Taco has been pasted (and slightly snipped) clean and returned to the ‘anywhere but the kitchen’ exclusionary zone with enough Dreamies to buy his silence.

“One down. Shall we try it on the worktop or your hands first?” 

“The worktop’s more important.”

“Oh wait, your phone’s going.”

“Who is it?”

Sloane checks. “Taako. There’s a few missed calls too.”

Kravitz smiles as endearingly as he can manage. Surely Sloane wouldn’t stand in the way of speaking to his boyfriend, not after how much he helped when she was worried about telling Hurley. “Would you mind?”

“Fine.” Sloane holds the phone to his ear.

“Hello Taako! It’s so nice to hear from you, love, how’s your day going? … mmhm… incredible… I hope you told him off… Maybe not the words I would have used, but as you say, it’s your school… Another award? Congratulations! Very much deserved as far as I’m concerned… How am I? Oh you know, fine… My day? Nothing much, just missing you… You can’t fireball me through a phone dearest… No, actually I don’t think you should try, if anyone can it’s you..” 

Sloane prods him hard and makes a ‘wind it up’ gesture.

“Ow… I mean… How is your afternoon looking?... Wonderful… Anyway, I should let you go. I know you’re busy… No no, honestly… I’ll see you later, I know you have so much on… Love you… Goodbye, Taako!”

“Gross.” Says Sloane loudly.

“Shut  up, you love your girlfriend.” She doesn’t have a leg to stand on as far as Kravitz is concerned.

“Yeah, you’re not wrong… I was actually thinking of… Wait, now’s super not the time. Let’s try and fix… you know, all of this?” Sloane gestures to the whole of everything.

Kravitz nods.

The layer of toothpaste doesn’t have the same effect on the counter as it did on Taco.

“Nail polish remover?” Sloane asks.

“Yes, whatever you think.” Kravitz eyes the clock warily.

It doesn’t work either, although it does remove the toothpaste effectively.

“Vinegar explosion?” Sloane sounds more excited than he’d like her to about this option.

“Did Magnus say how much to use?”

“Nope!” She says, happily, shaking powder across the worktop.

“Maybe you should start with a test patch?”

“Uh huh.” Sloane looks him dead in the eyes as she pours vinegar over it all.

The fizzing is far more dramatic than it would be on a small scale, he’ll give her that. Especially when it turns red.

It’s unfortunate that it’s still going when they hear the door open.

“Home, I’m honey!” Taako shouts from the entrance hall.

“Hi Honey, I’m Kravitz.” Yells Kravitz, automatically.

Sloane stops watching the fizzening long enough to pretend to puke. Kravitz glares at her. He can be gross in his own home. Taako’s own home. He doesn’t live here. Obviously.

“Where are you, Kraveroo? … Oh, hey there hi hello, Taco, most precious baby angel, how’re you doing this fine d… KRAVITZ!” 

“Fuck.” Say Kravitz and Sloane in tandem. 

“I can’t believe he told, we gave him so many treats!” Sloane shakes her head.

“He hates me.” Says Kravitz, mournfully. “We should never have trusted him.” 

“Kravitz? Where are you and why have you given the cat a shit haircut?” Taako’s voice is hovering somewhere between pissed off and amused and Kravitz would love to be able to tip it over into the latter category. He can’t deal with being in any more trouble right now.

He widens his eyes at Sloane, sadly she’s doing the same right back.

“I feel like we’ve gotta let it fizz? That’s what’s doing the cleaning, right?” Sloane hisses.

“Yes. That sounds logical, but how do I?” Kravitz holds his free hand up.

“You could poke your head out through the door?” 

“What?”

“He can’t see your hands if you’re just a head at the kitchen door.”

“Of course, thanks Sloane.” Kravitz makes it all the way to the door before realising his error. “Er…”

Sloane sighs heavily and dashes over to crack the door open before retreating to the counter.

“Hello my love.” Kravitz shouts, head poking into the hall and foot firmly wedged to stop the door opening any further.

Taako careens round the corner. “Why’re you in the kitchen?” His eyes narrow dangerously.

“I’m just doing something. A surprise.” 

Taako doesn’t look any less suspicious. “What’s that smell?”

“Surprise smell.” Kravitz smiles his most reassuring smile.

Apparently it’s less reassuring than he thinks because Taako disappears, and, if the “what the fuck?” From behind him is anything to go by, blinks into the kitchen.

“It’s not what it looks like!” Sloane’s hands are in the air and her head’s swivelling frantically, looking for escape.

“Cha’boy hasn’t a clue what it looks like… what the actual fuck is going on in here?”

“There may have been a slight incident.” Kravitz decides that there’s not many routes other than honesty left at this point.

“Slight?” Taako raises a single, reproachful eyebrow.

“It’s not all of the things. Just some of them.” Kravitz tries not to sound sulky, he does.

“Why’re you holding your scythe?��

“Uh…”

“Why’re you red?”

“Er…”

“Did you try to bake?”

“No.” Kravitz replies before he can remember his plan to the tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth. “I mean, yes. I did bake! The baking wasn’t the bit that went wrong. Look!” Kravitz points triumphantly at the cake.

Taako’s eyes soften for the barest moment. “It’s heart shaped.”

“It’s for you!” 

“And the red stuff?”

“I had to ice it.” 

“With?”

“Icing.”

“That you made from…?”

“I’m not actually entirely sure I remember.”

“Okay. Well first things first, Krav, Kraverino, beloved… you’re a skeleton. You, my guy, are made of bones. Meat you isn’t real.”

“Meat you isn’t real!” Sloane repeats. “I forgot.”

“Oh.” Kravitz unravels himself immediately and feels his scythe release into the ether, thank goodness. Not that he didn’t love it, but it’s a pain in the arse to lug around all the time, plus the drama of the reveal is always fun. “Thank you Taako.”

“Is this why you chopped Taco?” 

“There was an incident.” Says Sloane. “But I toothpasted him out.”

“And he only bit me twice!” Kravitz adds.

“See, cha’boy said you he was coming round to you!” Taako sounds genuinely delighted. To be fair, it is an improvement.

“So that’s one down.” Sloane says. “Just… this to go.”

“Have you tried, you know, magic?”

“Er…” There’s a long pause. A very long pause.

“I rifted to Sloane.”

Taako pinches his fingers at the bridge of his nose. “So just to clarify, neither of you, including you, handsome man, literally made of magic. tried any kind of mending, purifying,…” he lowers his hand to glance at the mess again. “... banishing?”

“Well…” Sloane starts, as if there’s any way to get them out of this.

“We rang Magnus!” Says Kravitz quickly. He can’t leave it all to Sloane.

“Ah, well if you rang Magnus, notoriously magical Magnus! Of course he would have thought to suggest all of the best wizardly crafts, he’s always casting spells, punch, chop, harder punch, Magical Magnus, we all call him.”

“Can you get rid of it?I think the fizzing has stopped now.” Sloane points at the still definitely-more-red-than-it-should-be counter.

“Can Taako get rid of it? This lowly idiot wizard? I suppose I can maybe see my way to trying, but what good could cha’boy possibly do against something so fearsome as icing?” Taako waves his hands dramatically. 

The red gets redder.

“Did… have you just made it stronger?” Sloane asks in disbelief.

“I meant to do that. It was just a warm up. Natch.” Taako’s voice doesn’t waver.

Kravitz tries very hard not to feel too smug. 

“Abraca-fuck-off!”

A small chunk disappears, but the rest remains just as vibrant.

“Fuck. That was high level too. Uh. Cha’boy’s out of ideas, have you called your Bird Mom, Krav?”

“She’s not my Mu…” 

Taako gives him a hard look. “Because, cha’boy’s just saying, these worktops, they’re good worktops, and it’d be a real shame if anything were to irreversibly stain them.”

“Taako, I can’t contact the god who oversees the natural order of life and death and ask her to take some time out to come fix… this.”

Taako raises an eyebrow.

Sloane gives him a look.

Kravitz snatches his phone back from her with his now blissfully un-gunked bone hands. “Fine, but I’m not communing, I’m texting.”

“She always rings you straight back anyway.” Taako says.

“Classic Mum behaviour.” Sloane adds.

Kravitz needs to spend less time with both of them, he refuses to be bullied like this.

His phone rings. “Hello M…y queen.” Kravitz glares at them both as they snicker. “We’re experiencing some issues with an, er, substance… No, not like that… No, we wouldn’t take anything that’s bad for us or the people around us… Thank you… Do you think there’s anything you can… yes. Yes, I know… I promise, this is the last time… I thought that maybe I’d be better… not just proximity… yes, okay, yes. Proximity… Thank you… I promise I won’t… I know I did, but this time I really mean it… Thank you very much… I love-you-too-bye.”

“What did your Mum say?” They chorus wearing their most pointed smiles.

“She’s going to have a look at it.” All of the fight has gone out of him. Kravitz has accepted his fate.

The counter shakes violently. Nothing happens.

It shakes again.

Nothing.

Kravitz’s phone rings.

He doesn’t want to answer. Less than anything does he want to answer, but he cannot ignore direct summons.

“Hello… yes… No… I can’t remember… I’m sorry… I don’t think… Okay. Yes. I’ll ask him…” Kravitz turns to Taako. “How attached are you to your kitchen?”

Taako narrows his eyes. “Very.”

“How would you feel if the counters had to be banished into a secure dimension?”

Taako’s mouth forms into a tight line.

“It may also not really be a question of whether you’re happy for it to happen or not because Raven checked with Istus and there’s a strand of fate which needs to be snipped right now…”

“So what you’re saying is that cha’boy’s losing a chunk of the kitchen he spent what feels like a century planning? That his best friend in the world hand crafted for him?” Taako presses his hand to his forehead and pretends to faint.

Kravitz opens his mouth and shuts it again. Guilt gnaws at him. He wants more than anything to fix this, but he doesn’t know how.

“Shall I tell Magnus you said he was your best friend?” Sloane asks.

“Take the counter.” Taako replies immediately.

“Taako, I’m so sorry.”

Taako smiles and waves his hand. “Honestly, Taako was bored of them.”

“But…”

“Magnus hasn’t really been challenged lately. I think he needs this. We’ll do it as a favour to him.”

“Are you…?” 

“Honestly, Taako made the kitchen with himself in mind, but it’s not just cha’boy living here anymore, is it?” Taako waves his hand flippantly.

Kravitz pauses. “I… Taako.”

“Tell her to do it now.”

His tone leaves absolutely no room for disagreement, Kravitz gives the answer.

There’s a brief moment of nothing, enough time for Kravitz to chance a tentative look at Taako. He meets Kravitz’s eyes confidently, doesn’t even flinch as reality twists around them and there’s a gentle pop. Kravitz doesn’t need to check to know the counter is gone. 

Taako smiles at him.

“I’m gonna head out. Kravitz could you…?” Sloane asks.

He cuts the rift without looking at her. “Thank you for helping.”

It seals behind her.

“I’m sorry.” Kravitz says again, because he is.

“You made me a cake.” Taako says again.

“Yes.” Kravitz replies, because he did. Regardless of everything else, he did.

“Because you wanted to fuck my kitchen up?”

“No! I, look, you made the me the pastries.”

“The date ones?”

“Yes. The ones from home. You spent weeks working at it and you didn’t even have a recipe, just me trying to explain a taste I can barely remember.”

“And cha’boy nailed it.” Taako grins smugly and Kravitz loves him in all his brash confidence.

“You did. You really did.”

“So you decided I needed cake too?”

“No one ever bakes for you.” Kravitz says quietly.

“Ango did that one time.” 

“Yes, that’s true. But it’s been ages and they got set on fire, and no one else does. You deserve it. You deserve to be taken care of right back.”

“Hey, Krav. Quick question, just a teensy smidgey one. Who got the shoe organiser after cha’boy kept falling over them?”

Kravitz tilts his head, uncertain what this has to do with anything.

“Go on, don’t get shy on me, who did that?”

“Me.” Says Kravitz. He’d been sick of worrying that Taako was going to fall over and get lost in a shoe pile and need help when he wasn’t there to give it.

“And who actually puts the shoes on the shoe organiser when cha’boy forgets?”

“Me?” It’s not like he does it all the time, just now and again.

“And who got the cats those extra perches to go round the walls because I was worried they were bored?” Taako doesn’t wait for an answer. “Oh, yeah, that was you too.”

“But…”

“Bones, you care for Taako in so many different ways, so leave the baking to the professionals because so help me fantasy Jesus if you wreck any more of our house.” 

“Our house?”

“Yeah. Now shut up and tell me what your perfect kitchen looks like so I can fix it.”

[ceilingfan5]

@taznovembercelebration soup/dessert

“You’ve made five kinds of soup.” Kravitz is stunned, honestly, partially because he was expecting Taako to be asleep when he got home, not attempting to vibrate through the kitchen ceiling in their little apartment. 

“Yep,” Taako says, proud and also watching him intently for a reaction. Kravitz isn’t exactly sure what that’s going to be. 

“Why do you have five crockpots?”

“Well,” Taako laughs, exasperated. “Why do you think?”

“For multiple, yeah, I, I walked into that, one, um,” Kravitz stares at the pot luck on his kitchen counter. “Can you- why did you make five kinds of soup, though?”

“Well,” Taako repeats, putting more emphasis on it this time. He keeps fidgeting with his hands–picking off his black nail polish, fixing his buttons, tapping the counter. “The wonders of modern convenience, are a, uh, a miracle, of the- what century is it now?”

“Twenty-first,” Kravitz says, incredibly fond. 

“And it turns out if you just pay a hideous fee, you can have any kinds of products and sundries delivered to your door, although I wasn’t terribly impressed by the onions they gave me–N'ont-ils jamais vu un bon oignon? Embarrassing. But anyway I bought a few things to try out because I got excited and I didn’t need to work today because I finished my project yesterday, and we just made that deal, and I know the cooking for you wasn’t part of it per se, but- but if I’m going to drink your blood I want you to be eating well, and-”

“Taako,” Kravitz says, rather slowly. “You don’t have to feed me.”

“No, I don’t, obviously, that would be-” he laughs again, “Ridiculous, I just- I got excited. And I haven’t cooked in so long. And the problem with soup. Is the waiting.”

“So you made five soups.”

“Are you going to eat the soups or not?” Taako screws up his face in embarrassed distress. “Should I just throw them away? It’s too much. Obviously it’s too much, I shouldn’t- It’s not like we’re, I just-” Kravitz is struck with the realization that if Taako could, he’d be blushing, and it’s a wild glimpse into his humanity. So to speak. He’s filled with affection that is beyond roommaterly, and he shoves it down and tries not to choke on it. They can’t be having a blood money arrangement and also kissing. It simply wouldn’t be right. 

Right?

“I’m going to eat the soups,” he says, smiling, putting Taako out of his misery. And putting a hand on Taako’s. You know, like roommates do. “What should I try first?” 

“Well,” Taako perks up like a dandelion in a coffee mug full of adderall. “If you’re a traditionalist, you’ll be entranced by my chicken noodle, this recipe is centuries old, and it’s perfect. Even if the onion is lacking. But if you’re feeling funky, maybe the cheesy broccoli is your jive. And then we’ve got…”

Kravitz absolutely hears the other words. They go in his ears and his ear drums wiggle and the sound goes right into his brain…and right back out again, because he’s in love with his vampire roommate, and he could listen to him talk about cooking all day. He truly can’t believe himself. 

“What about dessert?” he hears himself asking, and Taako smiles so big, Kravitz should win a trophy for the restraint it takes not to kiss him. 

[cataztrophi]

TAZ November Celebration 13: Sick

The card I drew for this @taznovembercelebration entry was "sick," so you know what that means! It's time for more soft taakitz! Another incredibly self-indulgent one that was loosely inspired by me starting off this month horrifically sick and now being very grateful I can breathe again. Discussion of sickness in this one, naturally, but just inconvenient cold/upper respiratory infection stuff, nothing too serious.

“This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to anyone,” Taako declared, flopping back against his pillows. Lup crossed her arms and looked down at him with limited sympathy, which was extremely cruel of her if you asked him.

“You have a cold, Taako,” she said.

Taako sniffled, desperately trying and failing to clear at least one nostril. “It’s not just a cold, Lulu. It’s the worst cold I’ve ever had in my life, and it just had to happen when I have a first date planned.”

She rolled her eyes. “Kravitz isn’t going to evaporate just because you have to reschedule. Just text him and tell him you’re sick.”

“I already did,” Taako huffed. “He hasn’t responded yet.” 

“Maybe the library’s busy today.”

“He has the day off.” 

She threw her hands up. “Then I don’t know what to tell you, bud. Maybe just be patient a little.” 

Taako moaned. “You have no idea how hard it was to find a night that worked for both of us. And the maintenance meter is running, Lulu!”

“The… what?”

He rolled his eyes. “Oh, that's right. I forgot you've been dating the most devoted guy in the universe for three years. Let me remind you what it's like for us singletons.” He pushed himself back up to a sitting position to better make his point. “Whenever you're trying to set up a first date, or fuck, a second or third, there's a limit to how inconvenient you can be, or how weird, or how… much… before the guy decides to fuck off and ghost you. That's the maintenance meter, and by my count I'm already at a disadvantage because he caught me eating gogurt in the stacks that one time.”

Lup was looking at him like he had three heads. “I think maybe you just have shitty taste in men.”

“Well, when life gives you lemons,” he sighed, then fell into another coughing fit.

Lup sat down on the edge of his bed and rested her chin in her hand. “What about Kravitz? Do you think he’s another lemon?”

“No,” he said miserably. “I think he’s perfect. But that doesn't matter if he thinks I'm too much work to bother with."

She patted his leg sympathetically. “If he's as perfect as you think he'll know you're worth the work.”

Taako’s throat felt too tight all of a sudden, and not just from coughing all morning. “Thanks.”

“Any time, bud.” She pushed herself up off the bed. “I'm gonna go check on the soup. Yell if you need me.”

She headed to the kitchen, leaving Taako to burrow deeper into his blanket nest. He was half-dozing when their doorbell rang, startling him back to consciousness. He heard Lup answer the door, then a brief conversation he couldn't make out. A moment later she appeared in his doorway. 

“Taako? You awake?”

He groaned in response, eager to get back to his nap.

“Kravitz is here.”

His eyes flew open. He struggled his way out of his tangle of blankets and into an upright position. 

“What?” he exclaimed. 

“Kravitz is here. Should I show him in?”

Taako recoiled at the thought. “Absolutely not! Look at me, Lulu! I'm at maintenance meter defcon one right now!”

Lup just rolled her eyes. “I'll show him in.”

Taako frantically tried to smooth down the worst of his bed head and straighten out his pajamas. There was a quiet knock on his door frame, and he looked up to see Kravitz standing there, a sympathetic smile on his face. He looked incredible, of course. Even on his day off he was wearing a three-piece suit, plus a tie with a subtle raven motif.

“Hi,” he said, taking a few steps into the room. “Sorry to barge in on your sick day.”

Taako laughed. “Sorry I look like such a fucking mess.”

“No!” He denied, gallantly. “You look fine! A little stuffed up, maybe-”

“I can think of something else I'd like stu-” Another fit of wet coughing overtook him, and he collapsed back onto the bed. “Fuck, forget it. I'm too sick to flirt right now.”

Kravitz's eyes were soft and kind as he looked at him. “Well, I was hoping I could help with that.” He held up a large canvas bag before depositing it on Taako’s bed. 

“Let’s see….” He began rummaging through it, pausing occasionally to hold something up. “We've got DayQuil and NyQuil, depending on whether or not you want to be conscious for the next twelve hours. Some peppermint tea, to clear your nose and settle your stomach, if you need it, and some cough drops. I didn't know what kind of Gatorade you liked, so I got you orange, red, and blue, and hopefully one of those is good. And I knew Lup was probably taking care of food better than I possibly could, but I did bring you some saltines just in case. And….” He reached into the bag and pulled something out with a final flourish. “A friend to keep you company.”

It was a tiny stuffed plague doctor, which Kravitz set down gently on Taako’s bedside table. Taako stared at him, half-convinced he was looking at some sort of Kravitz-shaped fever dream.

“Krav, you didn't-” he croaked. “You didn't have to do all this.”

Kravitz shrugged. “It was just a quick trip to the store. Besides, I wanted to.” He tucked a stray lock of hair behind Taako’s ear and Taako was seized by a sudden desire to pounce on him, upper respiratory infection be damned. “You've got to get better soon so we can reschedule that date.” A slight shade of doubt passed over Kravitz’s face. “If you still want to, of course.”

Taako feigned a grimace. “Ooh, well, this is awkward, but I actually met an even hotter goth librarian while I was lying here hacking up a lung, so….” 

Kravitz laughed, rich and genuine. Taako grinned up at him. As his laughter subsided, Kravitz gently took hold of Taako’s chin with a thumb and forefinger. He stooped slightly and Taako closed his eyes, turning his face up towards him, trying not to give away just how much it made his chest ache to have Kravitz here, all lovely and warm and seemingly unphased by his transformation into some sort of snot monster. Kravitz pressed a soft kiss to his forehead, then stepped back towards the door.

“Get some rest, Taako. I'll see you soon.”

Taako heard him say a quiet goodbye to Lup before he left the apartment. A moment later Lup was leaning against the doorframe with a smug grin on her face.

“So, did he just completely disprove your whole depressing ‘maintenance meter’ theory?”

Taako picked up the tiny plague doctor, still in a bit of a daze. “He could be the exception that proves the rule,” he replied absently.

“Well, for what it’s worth, I like him.”

“Yeah. Me too.” He snuggled back down into the blankets, his new plague-friend clutched close to his chest.

[boydykedevo]

"16. Who cooks most?", "17. Morning rituals?", "18. Evening rituals?" for taagnus and/or rumpcetera? :3

Ask game

Taagnus

16. Who cooks most?

Taako 1000%, Magnus isn’t THAT bad a cook but he’s had enough unfortunate accidents over the decades that Taako does NOT trust him to do more than scramble eggs in his nice kitchen.

17. Morning rituals?

Taako sleeps in, Magnus wakes up early to go for a run. Taako prefers to get ready on his own, Magnus’s morning-person-ness gets very grating before he’s really awake. But Magnus always gives him a good morning kiss as soon as Taako will let him.

18. Evening rituals?

They like to spend time together in the evening. Taako’s usually pretty worn out so Magnus does most of the talking, about his day or whatever. Taako doesn’t pay much attention. He just likes the sound of his voice. Magnus plays with his hair or gives him a massage if any of his old injuries from Wonderland are acting up. When they have sex it’s usually in the evening too.

Rumpcetera

16. Who cooks most?

As cats: they don’t really cook, but Teazer brings Cettie nice food she steals.

Humanoid au: Etcetera’s a very confident chef… in that she has a lot of confidence in her skill, and not so much of the skill itself. She’s very adventurous, she’s always trying something new and usually fucking it up. Teazer doesn’t bother to cook very often, but when she does she’s like. Fine.

17. Morning rituals?

As cats: They’re nocturnal so it’s not technically morning but when Teazer sleeps at the junkyard, they usually both sleep in, cuz they don’t get to do that together often. Especially when Victoria’s there too. They’ll spend a while being lazy in bed and grooming each other when they wake up.

Humanoid au: They live together in this au, (and with Victoria) so Teazer usually wakes up early, she’s a morning person. Etcetera sleeps in sometimes, but not as often as Victoria does. Etcetera always tells Teazer about her dream. They are usually boring, but she says she’s trying to get better at remembering them so she can learn to lucid dream, so Teazer allows it.

18. Evening rituals?

As cats: they like to go out exploring together at nighttime! Etcetera used to tag along on Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer’s heists, but eventually they stopped making Jerrie third wheel.

Humanoid au: Honestly I think they still go exploring lol, just probably earlier in the evening. They’ll ride bikes somewhere and just kinda see where they end up. They don’t do that every night, though. When they stay home, they’ll watch something together — or at least turn something on and then mostly ignore it to talk to each other.

[journalofimprobablethings]

Thanks to this post for giving me enough oomph to finish a little TAZ ficlet that has been sitting in my Google drive forever.

Please enjoy some post-S&S Lucretia & Barry angst

--

The hours following the final battle with the Hunger are a blur, a whirlwind of explanations and celebrations, of joy and relief and disbelief that this is real, that it's really over. There is little time to process or think; by the time they've all found each other again, the Starblaster crew barely have enough energy to make their way back up to the Bureau before collapsing in exhaustion.

Lucretia wakes with a fizzing warmth in her chest as she realizes that her family are all here, that they are together at last, that they've won. The Bureau is still a shambles, the world not much better. There is so much work to be done. But that morning, she finds herself drifting through the Bureau, not quite sure what to do next.

She passes Bureau members beginning to pick their way through the debris, and all of them greet her with smiles or nods and respectful "Madame Director"s, but there's something—different about the way they look at her. An uncertainty. 

It's not hard to know the cause. They all know her story, now.

They know what she's done, the good and the bad.

It's no wonder they look at her like they're no longer quite sure what to make of her anymore.

Lucretia doesn't try to engage with any of the people she passes, just makes her way along, unsure of where she's going until she's suddenly arrived at the kitchen in the residential wing.

It's a habit she's never quite managed to break, coming down here to make herself a cup of tea when she can't sleep. But after accidentally running into Taako on one of her late-night wanders, she's always been careful to check for activity before going in, just in case.

She pauses at the door now, listening. All seems quiet. And she really could use a cup of tea.

She pushes through the door—and then stops immediately in the doorway when she sees a familiar silhouette seated at the kitchen table.

“Oh, Barry. I didn’t realize anyone was in here.”

He looks up at her, an unreadable look on his face.

“Just me.”

“Where’s Lup?”

“She’s with Taako. They said they’d be ba--” his air exhales all at once on the word, and he closes his eyes. “They won’t be gone long.”

“I see.”

There's a pause. Barry doesn't seem to want to look at her. He's sitting with his elbows resting on his knees, as though he might have had his head in his hands a moment ago.

He looks so tired.

“Barry, are you all right?”

He looks, for a moment, like he doesn’t know how to respond.

“Yeah,” he says finally. “I’m good. We won, right?”

“Yes. We did.”

Another silence. The air is charged with all the things they aren't saying.

I'm sorry.

I'm so glad you're alive.

I've missed you so much.

Finally Lucretia takes a step forward.

“Barry, I--”

“Lucretia.” Barry has his eyes closed again, a small furrow appearing between his brows. “No offense, but I don’t--I can’t do this, right now.”

It shouldn't hurt as much as it does. She should have been expecting it, after everything she's done. 

But Barry's words hit Lucretia like a slap to the face.

“Oh. Of course.”

Of course Barry doesn't want to talk to her.

She's the reason he's been alone for the last ten years. The reason he's been stuck in an endless cycle of dying and reviving, remembering and forgetting. She's kept him at arm's length with wards and falsehoods, because she knew he would stop her from what she thought she needed to do.

Of course he can't just go back to how things were before.

She's lucky he hasn't threatened to kill her, like Taako.

(But Barry was never that way—impulsive the way Taako is. He looks too tired to be angry, and in some ways that's almost worse than Taako's fury.)

She should never have come. Knowing that they would all be down here, knowing that she was likely to run into one of them, knowing what they all must think of her—

Lucretia starts to make her retreat back through the door, but then she stops.

Who knows when she and Barry will ever be alone together again?

Who knows if she'll ever get another chance to say any of the things she'd like to tell him?

She looks down at the kitchen floor at Barry's feet. There's a burn scar there from where someone dropped a hot pan, sometime in the past.

“Can I say one thing? And then I’ll leave you--”

Leave you alone? Her brain says. Leave you alone like I did all those years, leave you alone and friendless, leave you alone and make you the villain of my story, leave you alone just like I was alone.

“--and then I’ll go,”  she finishes.

He shrugs. “Okay.”

Lucretia swallows around the sudden tightness in her throat. When she speaks, she's proud that she manages to get the words out without a single wobble. 

“I love you, Barry. I just--I wanted you to know that.”

She doesn't wait for his response, or even try to look up and see his expression, instantly turning to leave, but then—

“Hey, Luce?"

She stops at his voice, a hope bubbling irrationally in her chest. When she finally manages to look at Barry, he looks almost as lost as she feels. Like her words have unmoored him.

He's still not looking directly at her, instead focused on the wall behind her.

“I--just give it time. Okay?”

Lucretia nods.

And then she turns and leaves as quickly as she can, before he can see her face crumple, before she falls apart in front of him.

She has no right to burden him with her grief, her guilt.

She had thought this part was over, missing her family while they are right in front of her. But Barry is there, right there, all of him, no memories missing, and he is still so far away.

There is a difference, it turns out, between knowing intellectually that her family might hate her for what she has done, that she might lose them as soon as she got them back, and the reality of it. She thought she was prepared, but nothing could prepare her for the anger in Taako’s eyes, for the distance in Barry’s. 

She has spent a decade longing for this moment, the moment when she no longer had to be alone.

But somehow, right now, she feels more alone than ever.