#They try to rationalize it by telling themselves that it's weird that Michael who has never even had a crush before is now this in love

[michaelmilligan]

At some point I need to write a Midam highschool AU where Adam is like 'wow this guy is sooo hot, but he's also a jock. Kinda cringe. :/' And then it turns out that Michael is thee biggest dork who doesn't know how to people and only hangs with the 'cool kids' because they're the only ones who approached him and let him tag along. He's the captain of some sports team (football? volleyball? not sure) but he doesn't even like the sport that much, he just did that because his dad signed him up for that sport at some point and then being good at that was the only thing that Michael was ever praised for by his dad. But at this point his dad is home so rarely that Michael is losing his only motivation to play, so while he could probably get a sports scholarship, he doesn't want it and instead just wants to study economics (thinking that will please his dad).

Anyway, the point of this post was that Adam gets to know him better and goes 'Wait he's hot and a dork?? I'm in love.' And Michael, who has never dated anyone who was actually interested in him outside of his looks and him being the [insert sports team here] captain, goes 'What do you mean you like me for my personality??? Error 404, site not found.' But then he's soooo happy, because Adam actually likes him. :) And he's also a little dorky and they can be dorks together. :) And yeah, the other 'cool kids' don't get wtf is going on, but they suck anyway and Michael doesn't care about their opinion, so he just walks around school with heart eyes and carries Adam's books for him and is soooo doting. No one can understand what happened because wasn't this guy kind of a brooding, loner type of person?? (No one realized he was just shitty at approaching/talking to people and all it needed was someone to be a safe haven where he could say what he wanted without being reprimanded or ridiculed. The 'cool kids' hung out with him, but he barely talked to them either because they were so fucking judgy about everyone else he didn't dare say much because they were the only ones who he thought 'tolerated' him and he didn't want to fuck that up. Now he has Adam though, AND Adam's friends who are also dorky and fun.)

So yeah, I just think they're neat and they should get a highschool AU.

[gandrewheadcannons]

I wanted to share some writing I had done earlier this summer with you all! If you like it let me know if I should continue? It’s meant to be a story focusing around the beginning of their time in Washington and into the podcast. I’ve left it at a really weird stop but that’s all I had so far.

Title: Undetermined

Pairing: Garrett Watts/Andrew Siwicki

Tags: Mention of prescription medicine, mention of Jeffree/Shane/Ryland, unfinished

Evening is dimly creeping through the half-opened windowpane casting a glow across the built-in table connected to the cramped inner wall of Andrew's microscopic kitchenette. His studio apartment in LA sat cramped in-between Hollywood and Calabasas, a mediocre waypoint for his work for the last few years. He clicks the viewfinder and focuses on the bright oranges and yellows that dance teasingly across the glittering tabletop; catching flicks of sliver and reflecting them back to the lens. A mug of dark roast with just an edge of too much cream is left forgotten in the corner of the frame. It feels cinematic and lonely all at once. The cafe style booth he sits in causes his back to ache, the rest of the kitchen a sterile and unforgiving white, but he misses capturing the day to day beauty the world had to offer. He imagines the reel being played back with a layered sound of twinkling windchimes, quiet laughter and a piano reverb with cuts of the morning sunrise on a hike and steam off the top of a ceramic mug. A familiar face with flecks of blonde in the beard, strong jawed and a roguish smile weaving in and out of the frame, turning back to laugh at something the cameraman said.

“-with a mandate like this.” Garrett is brushing his teeth through Facetime. Andrew catches the corner of his bamboo toothbrush flashing in and out of the lens. He must have laid his Iphone flat on the countertop because when Andrew really looks he can see the bottom of the mirror and a bunch of bright light.

“I know. It sucks. Couldn’t get honey the other day, man. Fucking honey. It’s not like the bees are going anywhere.” He laughs but it doesn’t feel funny. The minimal supply he had was dwindling thin. He was beginning to ration his meals and he wasn’t sure how much toilet paper was left under the bathroom sink. It was all very apocalyptic without any of the zombies or scientists swooping in with immediate remedies.

“Ah dude.” Garrett spits and there’s a tapping sound like he’s hitting his toothbrush on the edge of the porcelain sink before he fully pops into frame. He looks relaxed, sandy hair flopped to one side and beard properly scruffy though they’d only been locked down about a week and a half now. “I know. I can’t handle it anymore. I miss people.” Andrew hums at that. He doesn’t really. He misses the occasional gathering, sure, but he hadn’t quite placed his anxiety surrounding the idea of seeing others since they’d released the Jeffree series. "What was it that bothered you most about taking part in this?" His therapist had asked him. "I missed the fun," he’d answered. "What was the fun?" She’d pressed deeper. "Garrett," Andrew had been quick to reply. "And like. Everyone else too." He'd added when she hadn't said anything. "I miss it not feeling work." She had let him talk about that instead.

"Some people." He tacks on to Garrett who hums easily. He doesn’t think he misses many of the people he’d spent most of 2019 with, his life a mixed cocktail of Ambien, Adderall and Lexapro without any feelings of relaxation manifesting. His psychiatrist had discouraged upping his doses anymore and by early January she began urging him to begin seeking new opportunities to “work on his environment”. He hadn’t quite figured out the avenue to take to do just that.

"Well, some people." Garrett agrees and he's already back out on his couch. "I don't know how many more times I can watch Winter Soldier before I freak out." Garrett sighs. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing. Same as you and every other person." He turns his camera off. He needs the break from the screen.

"I miss you." Garrett is easy like that. He isn't ashamed to tell people how he feels in every moment. It was something to be admired and yet Andrew just felt envy at it. When Garrett had begun to slip away from him, melting like honeydew sweet and sour into a depth of a place where Andrew couldn't quite find him, he'd only managed to grab him back out by Garrett's honesty. Doesn't know if they'd be having this conversation if Garrett hadn't used that honesty like an anchor and letting Andrew catch him last minute with it.

"I can come over." Andrew offers. He hates being confined in these walls anyways. It was hollow and dark. The email from Shane still sat open on his Mac across the room on his bed. Thinking of extending the break, can't really decide. Want to get quarantined together? I have a few video ideas we could maybe mess around with or just film some day to day footage until creativity strikes us it reads. His skin itches for the company but the image of their guest room makes him uneasy. Doesn't know if he could withstand being there with very little to fill his hands with, editing complete and no real ideas on the table for the time being.

"I can come to you." Garrett offers like he was inconveniencing Andrew who had offered anyways.

"If you touch your car right now I am going to freak out Garrett Watts." Andrew admonishes. "The second they open up the garages and mechanics again I'm making you take that thing there, burn it and we get a new one." He's opening a duffle now and throwing in his travel toiletries and a few pairs of underwear.

"Oh come on Andrew it's not so bad." Garrett laughs as if Andrew wasn't still reeling from the aftermath phone call of Garrett nearly wrecking on the 101 barreling top speeds until he reached a secluded patch of grass to slow his Pirus down onto. By the time Andrew heard the story Garrett was okay; Michael had gone to pick him up and Garrett was sending pictures of little Star Wars figurines that Michael kept mounted on his dashboard. His heart didn’t calm until he had managed to get his hands on Garrett in person though, sneaking out for an afternoon to grab some coffee with Garrett before heading back to Shane’s to finish editing. His shins still feel heavy with the weight of Garrett’s calf as he’d pressed their knees together until the table while they’d talked – the weight reminding him of how alive and okay Garrett really was.

"Oh yeah a car that dies out randomly is really great." Andrew throws in a box of protein bars and a Gatorade into his bag. He hesitates before grabbing a stitched bear made from gray yarn, green buttons for eyes luring him in. "I'll be over soon." He doesn't know how well the conversation will hold up over Facetime as he's moving.

"Okay cool Andrew." Garrett's eyes are soft. "See you soon. My dad is actually calling."

"Tell him I said hi. See you soon." He so easily could tack on endearment, babe at the tip of his tongue burning hot. Garrett's ending the call before Andrew even has the chance.

**

The half opened can of frosting is across from, the only lights on are the ones twinkling from some intricate set up Garrett had on a shelf. Garrett’s on the third loop of the home screen on Prime, humming thoughtfully whenever he pauses on a summary to read but then continuing to scroll before picking one. He’s slumped down low, long legs kicked out on the coffee table while Andrew is curled up in a ball against his side. Once, Caleb had pointed out that if people didn’t know them they’d get the impression that they were dating. Garrett and Andrew had awkwardly laughed at that comment, tinged with humiliation at how their relationship was being interpreted. They tried to be better then, not letting themselves fall so in sync when other people were around.

Andrew loved it like this though, when it was just him and Garrett, so he could press his cheek into Garrett’s bicep and not have to question why it felt so right. In his left hand his phone illuminated with another message from Shane. Opening it he read a message about how much they all missed him and wanted him there during this time. Apparently Ryland was looking for someone to help film a video he had planned. He quickly shut the screen off and pulled back from Garrett some, his stomach in a sudden tangle of knots.

“Good?” Garrett asked him looking down. His crew neck was for Spokane and looked a little like the Taco Bell logo from when they were younger. He’d paired it with a pair of sweat shorts for the night as they were both supposed to be going to bed soon. Andrew picked at his own Adidas track pants, imagining a loose thread to busy his hands.

“You ever just. Feel like you gotta get out?” He tilts his head to the side and watches Garrett pause what he’s doing with his Playstation controller and set it carefully on his coffee table.

“In what way?” He asks thoughtfully, turning so his chest was open to Andrew. Their knees bumped and Andrew felt like a little boy when he wished he could crawl and hide in the empty space of Garrett’s lap.

“Like okay. Say you just really loved what you used to do. You basically achieved your dream job. You have all these amazing people, you like your boss, things are going really great and you’re making a lot of money.”

“You buy yourself a really good vacuum.” Garrett plays along teasingly causing them both to laugh.

“You get yourself those stackable containers for your meal prepped lunches.” Andrew plays back. “But then…” He runs his tongue inside his teeth then outside methodically. He searches his brain to try to figure out what to say to Garrett to

“Then?” He drums his fingers on Andrew’s knees to get him back to the present.

[tosikoarts]

SFW Alphabet | Mihael Keehl

You can check tosikowrites tag for more! Warning: there’s a lot under the cut.

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

The most straightforward among main three of Wammy’s boys. His interpretation of own feelings is excellent and he makes sure everybody around knows about them. If he hates you, you’ll feel a burning hole in your back whether it is because of intense staring or literal bullet. If he loves you, you’ll be surrounded by abundance of affection.

When it comes to person he loves, Mello is very vocal. Words do matter, they oblige you and put responsibility on your shoulders. That’s why he loves to brag about his dearest to the closest friends, and even acquaintances know about this one special person. Another important thing is nickname, which Mello chooses based on the brightest features of character/appearance. Baby, honey, dearest are common too but he feels that  they deserve exceptional treatment and exceptional nickname.

He absolutely loves physical affection. Skin to skin contact gives him weird sensation right in the head as if he can physically feel neurons releasing dopamine. It also helps with keeping his anxiety under control.

By the way, sometimes inferiority complex gets the best of him, and in these moments he is extremely capricious. For the same reason Mello may act like his loved one deserves everything, while he can go with bare minimum.

He is great at reassurances. The second he realizes his loved one is insecure, upset, lost, the gears in his head start zealously turning. The words he uttered are always spoken in the right tone and able to touch the necessary strings of the soul. At the same time Mello always has doubts in the efforts made.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

Friendship with Mello carries spirit of 80s-90s. It’s a wild ride he once invited you to and then you couldn’t get off. Stuff gets messy, stuff gets hot, but it doesn’t matter until you both have fun.

He will roast you so much and will never get offended if you roast him in response. Mello aims for a good laugh only. His favorite entertainment is to go shopping together just to critic each other’s outfits.

You better move that body when he drags you on the dance-floor. Blasting music and colorful lights make him feel like a fish in the water so Mello will try to teach you dance. Yes, from the easiest ones to Michael Jackson’s moonwalk.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

Cuddles are essential for relationship with Mello. He enjoys snuggle up to his loved one on calm evenings, when there’s nothing to disturb the peace. Warmness of loved one’s head on his chest and smell of their skin calm him down better than chamomile-mint tea. He loves to listen to the sound of another person’s heartbeat as well.

Mello has one pet peeve tho: frequent head pats and hair stroking lead to greasy hair and this is exactly what he hates. If they put hand on his beautiful blond locks, he will take them by the finger and place their palm on his lips. This is a small but very loud gesture.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

The thought of settling down     never popped up in his head. Mello is way too young, he wants to live his     life to the maximum without thinking about another dirty plate in the sink     or how long it takes to make boiled eggs. Based on this you can say he     doesn’t like to do any housework. His cooking skills are decent but he     prefers creative mess to boring order. Mello likes to help someone in     kitchen when he is in the good mood.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

Nervous type he is, Mello doesn’t want to end this relationship. But he has to. But he can’t. He is indecisive and hesitates on the way to them. Hell, if they are in good mood or overly excited, Mello won't say a word about break up. In his mind it has to be like pulling a tooth – painful but necessary, - but real life doesn’t work that way. When the moment finally comes he cannot keep his voice steady. Mello tries to end it as fast as possible and hold back a scream because yelling at his loved one is something he promised he’ll never do. Actually, I can see him doing something impulsive to blow off steam. Breaking random stuff, for example, or shooting bottles.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

No. Getting married is too much. He can’t see wedding bells ring no matter how hard he tries. Every day he becomes more confident in thought that strong sincere relationship do not need bureaucracy in the form of marriage. The only time you need a marriage certificate is during the divorce process. Mello isn’t 100% sure but pretty close to this percentage. If his loved one insists on marriage he will immerse in conflicting feelings. Then his next actions will depend on many factors but Mello definitely will try to explain his  position and convince them in its     validity.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

Mello is on the rougher side when it comes to both physical and emotional affection. Childhood in the orphanage, involvement with the mafia, psychological issues, and responsibility placed on his shoulders taught it is necessity to be tough to survive in this world. When he lets his guard down nasty inner voice keeps reminding Mello about situations in which it could be a critical mistake. This leads us to the next point.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

Here he comes, another  touched-starved male with trust issues. Mello needs time to get used to soft touch of other’s person hands. Sometimes he puts too much strength in his hugs and it may come across a little rough. Likes them anyway, takes initiative 90% of the time.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

It completely and entirely depends on his gut feeling. Something elusive tells him whether to trust a person or not, it’s not a rational decision. As soon as this strange sensation appears, he will immediately calmly utter three treasured words, and it’s not even so important for him to hear them in return. Mello just wants another person to know that they have become an integral part of his life.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

In addition to being easily jealous, Mello is scary as hell when someone is hitting on his loved one. If he witness such insolence, he will be extremely vocal and, well, unexpectedly rude. He is not afraid to get physical too.

If it’s his loved one who is acting flirtatious, Mello will be pissed off as well. His feelings are explosive mix of disappointment, anger, malcontent. It’s better to get off his way and let him cool a little before trying to explain anything or make excuses. In a fit of jealous rage he may say some terrible things which he’ll regret later.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

The most passionate kisser imaginable. He loves to kiss and he knows how to do it properly so why would you complain. He tends to forget about personal boundaries in process so make out sessions can get really… touchy. Anyway, loves to shower his loved one with kisses all over them, but lip smooches are his favorite. At the same time Mello doesn’t care where they kiss him because of solid fact he is being kissed.  

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

He is so awkward. Calm/gentle/kind children are ok, but if he has to deal with angry little shit who throws tantrum whenever possible, he will flip out. Being around his own children is more or less bearable but don’t expect much when it’s someone else's kids annoying poor man. Mello definitely will teach his favorite one all of the swear words as a joke.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

On a free day no matter who wakes up first you will spend another hour in the bed cuddling. Then life will pour cold water on you when Mello gets frustrated with making breakfast. This may grow into small quarrel but most of the time he pulls himself together and you two find a satisfying compromise. During breakfast on work week you rarely hear any plans for the day from him but he stays curious about your schedule just to see if he can catch you for a lunch or a short call. Nothing special, really.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

Night is his favorite time of the day. Neon signs, coolness, slight buzz of a big city work as a charm on Mello, he feels free from people’s staring, empty chatter, and daily duties. If he could show the world as he sees it to his loved one, at least approximate image, dim reflections of pale moon in the high-rises’ glass, he would. So to do it he takes them on late night walks and rides, new places every time.  

Cafes and restaurants are another of his weaknesses, not only pastry shops, but also small diners with food that would seem boring to many. Take-outs are frequent too because chilling under the lilac sky and stargazing with Mello are 10 out of 10.

Don't let yourself be fooled, he likes to stay inside as much. Thanks to Matt, you’ll spend most of the time playing video-games and drinking pop until one of you starts yawning.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

Mello is straightforward within adequate limits. You wouldn’t expect person to blur out “I hunt a Kira with my genius rival that works with FBI and Japanese Police” at any point of your movie night anyway, right? He does not pretend and does not resort to excessive secrecy but prefers to reveal facts about himself one by one.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

Quickly gets angry, quickly cools down. Sadly, he his emotions are too strong and he does not know how to handle them and it often ends in heated argument. Even during a quarrel he feels his actions are hurting you but it’s not something he can stop at the click of a finger. After everything has settled down he is extremely remorseful and tried to make amends but Mello never ever promises to change. Why you make ask? In that case actions speak louder than words.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

Remembers the stupidest things. He can’t remember any important dates like the day you started dating but will remind you about the most embarrassing thing you did in high school. Hell, he forgets your number sometimes but can describe the exact clothes you wore on that rainy day when car splashed you.

Unknown forces help Mello in choosing a birthday present. He has no clue what you wanted and if you wanted anything at all. Surprisingly, it always hits the mark.

Tried to write down “important” stuff about you once. Failed miserably. Decided to never do it again.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

The first time when they confessed their love to him since Mello rewound this moment in his head like a hundred times. He remembers what color sky was and what song was playing on the background and those little details made this moment more beautiful than the masterpieces of the Louvre. Joy overwhelmed him and he couldn’t get this picture off his head for a few days too.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

Not that paranoid protective and obviously doesn’t need to be protected However, he will be fluttered if person showed that they care. He will freak put if they don’t answer his calls or messages for hours and in the case of real danger he will take that gun and shoot someone as a warning.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

He puts more effort in the beginning of relationship and its amount slowly declines with time. The closer he gets, the less he needs to try to cover up his sharp edges and imperfections or try to distract person with some kind of mask, mannerism, maneuver. Playing nice in early stages of dating gives him chance to throw the bait, to show he is able to be that datable material. A completely different question is whether a person wants to stay with him in spite of his inner demons.

Mello likes to surprise them with something special on anniversaries. Expect romantic late night motorcycle ride, car dates with take-out, and, of course, gifts. He likes to make/buy a presents person will like, something they wanted for a long time but couldn’t afford.

Acts extra-extra after anger tantrums. He knows he fucked up, okay, he just can’t control himself. Yes, it’s a lot easier to cover up consequences with huge bouquet and box of chocolates than to correct behavior learned over the years.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

If you ever had to deal with person stubborn as a donkey, you’ve seen demo-version of Mello’s behavior. Making compromises is not his strategy, so get ready for “this is the only right option”, “I said what I said”, “Yeah, go ahead, I’ll do it my way”. He immediately begins to sulk and spill his sassiness all over the place if things don’t go his way.

Doubtful impulsive decisions are most likely the cause of constant arguing and problem mentioned above. At first he does something (to say the least) stupid with impressive confidence. Then, after hours or days, his brains finally comes up with reasonable arguments but now it’s too late to back out.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

It’s obvious Mello likes to take care of himself. His sense of style is indisputable, he sticks to it and never fails to embellish the picture with shiny jewelry or other accessories. There may be dirt on his leather boots and soot on fur hood but they only complete his conceived image.

Probably has one company from which he buys all the hair care products. Feeling of easy combing through smooth silky hair before bed is another of his a little happiness.

How does he have such perfect face despite eating chocolate everyday? Mello is fond of beauty creams, masks, serums, and he doesn’t allow a single pimple ruin his day. Also, he uses different healing creams to soften the scars.

He would love to mess around with loved one trying new beauty products. There’s nothing better than taking care of each other.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

Yes, yes, yes. It doesn’t matter why they are not in his life anymore, he feels devastated. All attempts to distract himself fail as he goes back to thinking about them every five-ten minutes, and not only thinking but overthinking. Sometimes his thoughts throw him back to the past, first meeting, first kiss, and it gnaws Mello even more.

If they left for some reason, he will try to get them back. A chance meeting in the evening is completely planned, he also rehearsed his lines in the head more than a thousand times just to stay calm and avoid going off on tangent.  

If they died, he will attend their grave for a few months. It doesn’t help much. He becomes incredulous and gloomy, scaring everyone around with frequent mood swings and defiant behavior. I can see him growing more actively aggressive and acting like he doesn’t have anything to lose too.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

Because of his chocolate addiction, Mello has to visit dentist’s office quite frequently. The problem is he hates dentists and everything about them. The sound of a dental drill makes his skin crawl.

Mello can pull off any style, rock any outfit. He can dress up in trash bag and be fabulous as always. You can splash that man with the dirtiest water and he will still shine bright like a diamond. Unholy beauty.

He was that kid that got the highest score on Facebook picky sheet. He hates broccoli, never eats mushrooms, avoids pickles. Name any controversial food – he doesn’t eat it.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

Mello can deal with pushy people but manipulators drive him nuts. As soon as he notice the smallest attempt to manipulate him, he will lash out. So you have to be the master manipulator to twist him around your finger or the batshit crazy person to pull an obvious manipulation on him.

Absence of communication. He won’t play mind games and try to guess your thoughts, so you better speak out your mind.

Oh, Mello doesn’t want a person who nods to everything he says. Sharing personal opinions plays a big role in relationships and he won’t agree to lose such way to connect.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habit of theirs?)

Mello sticks to adequate sleeping schedule. His lifestyle forces him to break it from time to time but he quickly makes up for sleepless nights. He doesn’t even get moody or irritated. On the contrary, his reactions slow down, and the only thing he is interested in is comfortable bed.

Speaking of comfort, Mello likes to wrap himself in fluffy blankets. The more pillows there are around him, the better his mood will be in the morning.

Dark chocolate rich in magnesium can help you sleep better so Mello prefers switch from milk chocolate to dark in the evening. It is not uncommon to find a wrapper foil on the nightstand in his bedroom.

[angrycowboy]

I wanna talk about the scene between Michael and Maria at the Wild Pony in 2x03. Because honestly, I was shocked by some of the responses to it that I saw the night the episode aired, so this has been weighing on my mind ever since. Today I sat down and giffed the scene (most of it), because it does move rather quickly, and broken down you can really see how both Maria and Michael are acting toward each other.

When Michael walks into the Wild Pony, he’s received a dressing down from Jenna, so he’s prepared. He’s going to tell Maria the truth. Jenna’s words are stuck in his head, “When you start lying to the people who are on your side, eventually you lose your allies. You lose everyone who loves you.” He’s just started this thing with Maria, it’s good, they’re happy. But Michael, he is always going to circle back around to logic, and Jenna is making a very good point that he cannot ignore.

So he goes to the Wild Pony, he takes the hat off, like he does with Maria as he makes himself vulnerable to the truths he’s about to lay out, and immediately notices something is off with her. But he pushes forward, he’s going to tell her. He needs to come clean with her, he’s realized. Especially if this thing between them is going to work, especially if he going to stick to his word and try and be good for somebody.

Maria already knows though. Not everything, because Rosa doesn’t know everything. But enough that she’s pissed off. She’s angry.

She’s hurt. This guy she likes, this guy who she has tried to keep herself from having feelings for, this guy who keeps showing up for her, now Maria finds out the part he played in the cover-up of the murder of her best friend. In this moment, there is nothing Michael can say that will make Maria less angry. This isn’t a question looking for an answer.

She immediately spins around. Maria ends the conversation. She is the one who was kept in the dark, she was made to feel like she was losing her mind, like there is something wrong with her just like is happening to Mimi. She doesn’t want to hear what Michael has to say in that moment, because to her, there is nothing that is going to make this better. The damage has been done.

But Michael. He is so determined. He is trying so hard with Maria, with this new thing between them they’ve started. He wants it to work out.

So he’s a little desperate. She’s ended the conversation, she doesn’t want to hear what he has to say. But the truth - Michael needs her to hear it. And in his need to make her listen, he’s also not hearing her. 

He’s ignoring her no.

This is where Maria lets her anger out. Because Michael isn’t listening. She ended the conversation. She told him to leave, she tried to walk away, she doesn’t want to discuss it right now. She pushes him away, because he’s still walking toward her, he’s still invading her space, and she tried to walk away to end the conversation.

Even as he’s agreeing, Michael is still holding on to her wrists, he’s still pushing into her space. He’s still demanding she listen to him. He’s ignoring that she doesn’t want to talk to him right now. She doesn’t know what else to do, she doesn’t want him there, of course her anger is taking over.

And this is where I start to get uncomfortable as well. I love Michael Guerin, he is one of my favorites on the show. But there’s no denying his actions in this moment. Maria pushed him away from her, and he’s still walking toward her, he’s still got his hands on her arms, on her wrists - he’s still trying to force her to calm down.

Look at her hands and her arms - she’s trying to force him away. Maria is leaning away from him, and she’s pushing hard at his arms. She doesn’t want his affection, she doesn’t want his comfort, she doesn’t want his apologizes or explanations. Michael has an arm almost all the way around her, as she’s trying to push him away from her. He doesn’t want to lose this good thing that’s started between them. but he’s unknowingly making it worse.

It’s likely that Michael pushed here because the only other experience he has is with Alex, where they would argue, Alex would leave, and Michael would let him. And all that did was create the unhealthy pattern the two of them found themselves in for a decade, and Michael is trying to break that and move on. So here, he tries something different. He stays, perhaps thinking that the talking, that not leaving, will be the better result this time, in this different relationship. 

I’ve seen some rumblings about how this was a weird choice of a scene in an episode that is very much about female empowerment, but I disagree. This scene is very much about something that happens to every woman - where her anger is written off as hysterics and that she needs to be “calmed down” so she can be talked to rationally and calmly. Michael made a mistake here, he didn’t leave when she asked, and Maria had every right every time she pushed at him and yelled at him in response. 

The show handled Maria’s anger at being kept in the dark perfectly, in my opinion. Not only in her reaction to Michael, but also in her later conversation with Liz, where it veered into Maria reminding Liz that as another woman of color, Liz should understand not feeling safe. Based on how the show handled this reveal though, I am very much looking forward to how they’re going to handle Maria and Michael’s relationship moving forward.

[checkerpiececat]

Spicy Bis Headcanon(s)

It all starts after Jeremy is discharged from the hospital.

Jeremy decides to visit the hospital every few days to see Rich. He starts seeing him because he feels bad that Rich has to stay in his room alone once Jer is gone. At first, everything is a little awkward.

Jeremy doesn’t know how to act around the “real Richard Goranski”, and it’s hard adjusting to Rich’s new, genuine personality. Jeremy’s almost off-put by Rich’s kindness, but eventually he starts to understand and actually really starts to enjoy seeing Rich.

Before Jeremy was discharged from the hospital, Rich went on an hour long rant about how he was so sick of hospital food, and after hanging out for a while, Jeremy then made it his mission to come back with fast food at least once a week.

Rich would never admit it, but the first time Jeremy showed up with food, he just about sobbed with joy.

After a few visits, Michael starts tagging along as well. At first, he feels really awkward and still doesn’t know how to talk to Rich. Both because of Rich’s previous behavior because of his squip, but also because Michael doesn’t know where they stand personally. Obviously they spoke a few words here and there when Michael had been visiting Jeremy, but they never had any substantial conversations together.

Michael and Rich have an easy reconciliation by bonding over 90’s music, and drag out a joke about Smash Mouth for almost too long.

Eventually, Michael gets used to being around Rich, and all three of them end up having some really good times together.

Once Rich is healed and they’re both in school, Rich is actually the first one to approach Jeremy.

Jeremy, who had been getting used to school life again, has a moment where he convinces himself that Rich wouldn’t actually want to hang out with him.

Jeremy starts avoiding Rich for a few days, thinking that maybe Rich wouldn’t want to see him. He rationalizes this idea by saying: “The hospital was different. Rich wouldn’t want to be seen at school with a loser like me.”

Rich has to be the one to step forward. He approaches with a wide smile, and opens up with some dumb line like: “Hey tall asth, where’ve you been?”

Jeremy is nervous, but after a few minutes of easy conversation, he lightens up.

They both laugh and talk the same way they did at the hospital, and Jeremy gets the courage to ask Rich where they stand in their friendship.

Rich reassures him that he enjoys Jeremy’s company, and they end up making plans to hang out.

Being back at school causes Rich to confront the fact that a lot of kids are still spreading rumors about him, and some start to judge him for his scars.

Rich reacquaints himself with his friends as his new un-squipped self. They easily accept him, after all, he’s still the same short, meme-worthy guy they’ve always known.

Unfortunately, some of Rich’s friends, such as Jake, make jokes at Rich’s expense, trying to lighten the mood. They aren’t meant to be hurtful, but with everything going on, it sends Rich over the edge and he ends up needing to leave class to calm down.

Rich decides to hide out in the bathroom.

He comes close to crying before Jeremy shows up and finds him there. Rich ends up confiding in Jeremy as Jeremy calms him down. Rich talks about the fire and what lead him to do it, his scars, and even his lisp.

Jeremy tells Rich that he’s fine the way he is, lisp and all, and that his scars look, quote, “badass”.

They end up hugging it out.

Jeremy is a big factor in Rich being able to adjust and cope with being back at school, and dealing with his self-confidence.

After dealing with his feelings, Rich confronts Jake and the others about how he feels, and after a rough conversation and several shared apologies, they reconcile. Rich and Jake both mutually apologize for not realizing how bad everything had affected the other, and quickly fall back into old habits and good humor.

Rich goes back to Jeremy and thanks him for everything. Jeremy and Rich start spending more time together. They start hanging out before school, walking to classes together, finding excuses to say hi to each other in the halls...

It’s Jeremy who realizes his feelings first.

Jeremy, being shy and having anxiety, starts finding it harder to talk to Rich without stuttering.

Rich eventually realizes what’s troubling Jeremey, and end ups realizing his own feelings as well. Jake is the first person he tells about it.

After a moment of stunned, but supportive conversation, Jake encourages him to go for it. Rich ends up asking Michael what he should do to impress Jeremy.

Michael is skeptical at first, convinced that it’s some sort of weird, elaborate prank. His doubts are immediately erased after he asks Rich why he would want to ask Jeremy out, and Rich has literal heart-eyes when he says Jeremy’s name.

Michael ends up agreeing to help out.

Rich takes a notebook full of notes.

Rich is bold, yet slightly awkward when he asks Jeremy on a date. “So uh, hey. I’ve been thinking. Ya knowww, since I’m like, totally Bi and all, and we’ve been spending a lot of time together or whatever, I was thinking, pshh, I don’t know, would you... uh,”

- both speaking at the same time -

“Are you asking me on a date?/Would you wanna go on a date”?

Jeremy takes a second to freak out because “omg is Rich Goranski actually asking me on a date?”

Jeremy manages stutter out an ecstatic yes.

They end up going to a retro arcade due to Michael’s promise that Jeremy would love it. He did. Rich, to his surprise, also had a really good time playing games.

During their date, Rich is very non-verbally affectionate. Rich just finds reasons to touch Jeremy’s arms, or lean against his side, or press their knees together... anything to show that he’s interested and comfortable.

Rich also does everything he can to try and win Jeremy a prize, but he’s not as good at the machines as Jer. Jeremy is actually the one who ends up winning Rich a prize. Rich cherishes his weird arcade alien plushie forever.

After having such a good time, and both having gone home to their own houses, they both freak out over their relationship, trying to figure out if they’re official or not.

It’s soon, but they’re both eager and giddy.

That night, Jeremy is practicing what he would say to Rich in his mirror, and Rich is pacing his room. Jeremy ends up deciding to frantically call Rich before he loses his nerve. Saying something like: “So like- I don’t know what this is but like I had a good time and I just um, was thinking that maybeweshouldlikeactuallydate. ...like officially.”

After a few weeks, they decide to announce themselves as official.

Rich is very excited and vocal about their relationship. When they first decide to announce that they’re official, Rich can’t help himself from going overboard and goes throughout the day finding excuses to mention “his boyfriend Jeremy”. He’s also not shy about PDA and finds himself smacking Jeremy’s ass when he sees him.

Once Jeremy asks Rich to “maybe dial it down” on the PDA, Rich listens, but still can’t help but to make excuses to talk about Jeremy to all of his friends.

After about a week to adjust, Rich calms down and doesn’t bring Jeremy up as much. But if he ever needs to tell a story that involves Jeremy he makes sure to STRESS “his BOYFRIEND Jeremy said this or did that”

Don’t take it the wrong way either. Jeremy ISNT shy about their relationship. He just has no idea how the hell to bring it up or really explain that they’re together. Jeremy takes the same week as Rich to just figure out what he’s doing.

Jeremy somehow finds the most awkward ways to say that he’s with Rich, and even tries practicing a few lines on Michael. One day while he’s practicing in his head, he blurts out a line in the middle of a conversation:

“I like Rich and Rich likes me, I like my friends and my friends like me.”

Michael: “Jeremy, what the fuck.”

Despite being very touchy, it actually takes them a while to have their first kiss.

It happens when they’re spending time at Jeremy’s house.

They had just gone out on a chill movie date, and had gone to Jeremy’s to unwind. Jeremy convinces Rich to start playing video games and it ends up getting pretty competitive. Rich ends up quitting the game.

Jeremy’s amused, but that only makes Rich more frustrated. Jeremy stands and suggests they play something different or find something else to do, but Rich isn’t having it.

“No no no, not happening. We’re gonna do this. You’re justh afraid I’ll win!”

Rich stands up and paces around Jeremy’s room, hyping himself up. Jeremy leans against his bedroom wall, giving Rich space as he continues talking.

“I’m gonna totally beat you at thisth, you have no idea whatsth comin”

Jeremy looks down at Rich. “W-wow, you may be short, but you’re intimidating when you’re motivated”

“I’m not short, you’re just tall. Tall assth” Rich walks to Jeremy and looks up at him.

Jeremy leans down slightly, “You’re also kind of cute when you’re all worked up”

“I- uh..” Rich falters, his face flushed.

“Oh uh... sorry, did I go too fa-“ Jeremy is cut off as Rich curls a hand in Jer’s shirt, pulling him down to kiss him.

“W-woah...”

“Yeah. that’sth what you get for calling me cute, tall assth.”

“Was that supposed to be a threat?”

“J-justh shut up and play the stupid game”

The next few weeks after that, they were in danger of never separating each time they kissed.

Weeks pass, and Jeremy and Rich get much more comfortable with each other. Butterflies start fading, and they start to get more serious.

Both Rich and Jer develop a much deeper emotional and physical understanding of each other. They both become much more comfortable with quiet touch. They often spend afternoons just cuddling in bed, sometimes not saying a word.

They’re also much more capable of helping the other with their emotions, especially regarding their trauma with their SQUIPS.

Jeremy can’t fathom the idea having a SQUIP as long as Rich did, and his heart sometimes breaks thinking of how hard it must’ve been on Rich.

The boys often talk a lot about what they went through, and help each other cope.

Like Mtn Dew. Jeremy doesn’t touch the stuff, but Rich chugs Mtn Dew Red. He also has frequent obsessive periods where it’s all he can drink. Jeremy always ends up getting too worried and has to talk Rich through it. It most normally leads with crying from Rich, which causes crying from Jeremy, and ends with cuddling and soothing hair pets from Jeremy as well.

There will be times where Jeremy will trace the scars on Rich’s body with feather-light touches and small kisses. Jeremy does it to reassure Rich that his scars really are perfect. There are times where Jeremy will simply get lost in conversation because he’s focusing on how much he loves Rich’s lisp.

Rich feigns being annoyed at him, and sometimes get embarrassed, but he always feels appreciated thanks to Jer.

Rich also returns the gesture by reminding Jeremy of how funny he is, and how smart, and perfect, and important he is. Rich is always reassuring Jeremy that his stutter is okay and reminding him that his anxiety will never be able to stop someone as amazing as him. Jeremy learns how to have just little bit more confidence each day, and always knows where he can go on his rough days.

[5secondsofrant]

Thoughts on Lierra

DISCLAIMER:

This posts contains personal opinions and theories. I’m not confirming stuff.

This post’s purpose is not to hate on them but to share what I think.

As my bio says, I’m up for discussion, while it’s done with respect to me but also about the people we’re talking about.

This might be a long post due the time this has been going on. Honestly, I feel like this can get messy at some point and I apologize but there’s too much to cover.

Sierra has been part of the boys’ circle of friends for a while. She is (or was) best friends with Kaykay, who has been friends with Ashton for a while, so it tells you she has been around two or three years (if not more). She also seems to be friends with Mitchy and if you look up, you can also find candid photos of her with the boys, usually at parties.

I don’t know if you remember, but the first time she was papped with one of the boys, it was actually with Ashton. And not only that, but at the time he had referred to her in really lovingly terms to her on social media (twitter and Instagram mostly), always showing support, and after she started to date Luke, he stopped (I won’t go deep into this because there’s already a big post on this, really well-made by the people at sierratheory where they show this with solid proof).

As you know, there are a few blogs here that talk about this topic I’m discussing right now, and I’ve read divided opinions on this relationship: some say is fake, some say is really real.

And to be honest, I can see the reasoning behind both parts, so I’m going to try and explain why I’m so in the middle about this whole relationship.

> Why I think it could be real:

- They share the same social circles and most importantly, they were friends at some point. Following that narrative, it makes sense that you can fall for a friend and take it a step further into a full-relationship.

- The boys (well, Calum, Ashton and Luke since I’ve never seen her interact or be around Michael —though I can be missing something here because I’m not a really big user of social media, so I tend to not see the boys’ stories on Instagram or Snapchat—)seem to be genuine friends of her, at least it seemed that way in those videos I came across from a Halloween party, the photos I’ve seen of them with her at parties and also there’s the fact that Calum attended her birthday party.

- If we follow the narrative, they both seemed to be in vulnerable states after breaking up with their previous couples, so maybe that made them get together.

- They have met each other’s families, and I guess that shows that they’re serious about this (and in my personal opinion, it would be really fucked up to drag your family to a media show, though it’s not new and sometimes the artist doesn’t really have a choice). Apart from that, they’ve shared important dates like thanksgiving and the lunar New Year.

- She’s always around. Parties, his home, near Petunia, she was there a lot during the 5SOS3 and Meet You There tours. Let’s not forget she was also in the video diaries.

> Why I think it could be fake:

- Grandebaby, my favorite fail ever. You probably know about this, but if you don’t, basically Sierra was answering to a fan about herself from a “fan account” to help this confused fan to understand who she is, and why she’s hanging out with the boys. But then, she switched accounts and forgot and responded to the fan again following the conversation she had started from the fan account, so she basically got caught.

- The time “Luke” left a comment on one of her pictures and he was performing on stage.

- The fact that as soon as people began to suspect about them, she started to tease with photos that shared location with Luke, or taking photos at his house or with Petunia.

- Every time we get Lierra content, it’s before or after something related to the boys music is happening (go and look back to the drama before the Meet You There live album release, Who Do You Love as a single release, and even Youngblood).

- We have gotten so many stories by fans that seem to be made up; while I don’t blame her or them for this, I feel like a lot of those stories where they’re all in love (especially that one where she cried because she loves Luke so much) are fake and made up by fans to get clout and maybe show an image of them to the public.

- We always get filtered photos at the most random times. Remember two weeks ago there were photos that came out of nowhere about them hugging in the airport? And the whole fandom brought back their attention to them because they’re “goals”. The thing with this is that in my opinion it’s really strange: why this photo, from so many months ago, was suddenly leaked? After a few hours, a pair of girls came out to say that they shared them but didn’t think that anyone would share them on social media because they asked the people they shared them with to not do so, but… One, they shared those photos really back in the day (when they took them they were on tour so it has been a hot minute) and suddenly people decided to share them? Or did they share it recently? Again, really strange, especially since it brought attention back to them before Coachella.

- Her birthday party drama. I can understand that you get mad because someone posts pictures of your birthday when you want it to be something private (though, some of her friends still posted and she didn’t say a thing. She even posted something herself if I’m not wrong). But let me remind you this girl went crazy trying to find a “mole” in her group, which tells you a few things: either she has had stuff filtered before and doesn’t know who is doing it and that leads to you to think that she is worried about the things this “mole” can share. One thing is being mad about your privacy, which is understandable, but respond like this about only a small birthday video tells you a lot about what she could be doing behind the scenes.

Also, it caught my eye that Ashton was nowhere to be seen. She invited a few of the friends you can see hang out at parties but he wasn’t around. Even if Calum was there, Ashton didn’t show up (I’m not saying they go everywhere together, but they usually go to the same parties and are seen together) and while we can only speculate about this, I wonder why Ashton has been absent of the picture for so long (especially when Sierra even seems to be close with his sister)

- The amount of articles and paparazzi photos of them are astounding for such a “lowkey” couple, especially considering she’s not really famous and he’s known, but he isn’t on the Beyoncé or Justin Bieber level to get that amount of press (same with Michael, but that’s another story). Every time they’re on an airport, there seems to be paparazzi. Every time they’re out in a restaurant or a club, what you have? HQ pictures. We even got paparazzi photos from freaking Australia, where paparazzi aren’t such a big deal as in US. As I said in the Kaykay and Ashton post, paparazzi are usually called by the artist’s management or the celebrities themselves.

- She honestly seems like a damage control for what Arzaylea did. Look at the image she gives out: a singer, who’s passionate for music and went through a heartbreak (sounds like someone to you?), and is trying to put herself back together in the music industry but is having a tough time. This girl is smiley, kind to fans, kind of shy when she speaks, everyone refers to her as a really good friend. Now, what’s the image of her in the fandom? an angel, who saved Luke from his darkest hours—but not only that, he also saved her. (TBT to the premiere of the Lie To Me video and everyone commenting how she saved him, totally dismissing Luke’s own hard work to put himself back together, but yeah, love can fix your mental health in a snap, I guess).

- This brings attention to the band (and good attention). Relationships have been a game that publicists have played since the old good days back in Hollywood, whether is to bring attention or to hide a sexuality, they exist (you can check this article to read more about it). People love to idolize and ship people, especially given heartbreaking-Nicholas Sparks-ish narratives about their love. In this case, attention was needed: the boys took a two year hiatus, being a band that while didn’t do bad, wasn’t at the top to afford doing this, they [management] had to do the most with their come back. You and me care about their mental and physical health, but for their management and record label they’re numbers that weren’t adding up. Youngblood was a risk for everyone, so it’s rational to think management could pull on those strings so their money makers don’t flop. While I believe that the fandom is really supportive and the music the boys brought this time around is good enough to make it to the charts, no one in the business was going to take the risk.

- Honestly they look so awkward together. The only times that their photos don’t look strange is when they’re posted by themselves. I’ll link some down below where I truly believe they look really awkward to be a couple. (Example 1) (Example 2) .

- That Post Malone tweet I discussed a while ago.

> Some things I can’t place up there because while they’re strange, I don’t totally believe they have to deal with a “fake” or “real” relationship:

- Her dad posting so much about Luke on social media. I don’t get what’s the necessity, since her daughter is probably the less hated 5sos girlfriend ever. And the way he phrases things is such a weird way, it’s almost like if he were thanking his fans, which is totally strange in my opinion for a parent.

- Luke’s brother using her to promote his clothing brand.

- Those photos of their first appearance holding hands, were strange. Almost staged. And then there are photos of Sierra walking near Crystal which really made me go “huh”. (And as far as I know, I think KayKay is also friends with Crystal, and if you’re friends with her, I can’t really trust you lol —also, doesn’t it call your attention that the girls are friends with her but the boys they’re dating, or supposedly dating, don’t even interact with her?).

- Sierra deleting photos so when you check her profile the first thing you see are photos of Luke and her.

- Maybe it’s me but it’s so... awkward I’d like to say, the fact that there are photos of her hanging out with the boys while Luke was still dating Arzaylea. (But again, that could be a personal opinion)

After this, and weighing the fact that I listed more fake things than real, you might be wondering why I’m in the middle about this.

While I can see why people think they’re fake, and until some point I did, I lean towards the fact that this relationship is probably real, but by staying in the middle, I’m trying to explain that I’m not 100% convinced. I’d say is a 70/30 for me.

They can be real, even if the way things happened were weird (especially after Luke denying her for so long until Youngblood came out, but again, Luke is really good at denying relationships until he’s pushed to talk about them in public) but if they’re real, this is definitely tainted by PR. I can totally see them both seeing the benefit that they could get from their relationship and allowing it to happen this way. At the end of the day, I think that Luke would be that kind of person to go on board with giving clout to a girlfriend because he truly believes in her and wants to help out somehow (and in my opinion, the boys don’t seem to mind giving shout outs to their friends projects or work while they’re aware they’re doing it and not being tricked into giving clout).

And she needs it, whether you are a fan of her from her old days in the group with her ex-boyfriend or you arrived now, we both now she doesn’t have the attention she needs, and to be honest, I believe she needs a publicist and a manager that actually care about her career (and her to be on it full time too, since she’s technically starting from zero). I think she really missed a really big chance by not releasing music back when she first left “Alex & Sierra” and she was giving interviews about her career to such important music platforms as Billboard. Maybe she needed a longer break to make music and figure out what she wants to do, but in my eyes, she and her team (if she does have one) seem to be really, really lost, especially in terms of her public image.

While I believe it’s true for the amount of candids that we get, and I’m theorizing about them agreeing to this PR over their relationship, I really hope it’s going that way. Sometimes she shows some tendencies to be there for attention rather than to be there for Luke, which is... Sad. Hopefully they truly like and care for each other and she just does that because it’s part of her personality.

And also, I’d like to think that if this girl wanted to use the boys, she could have from a very long time ago (but well, since they seem to be technically have started hanging out by the time she splitted from Alex, this theory can be throw out the window, because after that, she needed a way to get attention on her, but I’d truly like to be wrong about this one).

I don’t know what it is but there’s still something that rubs me off in the wrong way about this relationship and I can’t quite tell what it is yet. If I ever find out, I’ll probably make a post about it.

And I’ll be transparent about this whole thing, because I mentioned it on my Kaykay/Ashton post, but I don’t have the best perception of her. I could make a whole post of why she gives me a weird vibe off based on stuff she has done or said. 

With that said, I’d like to say that having a bad perception doesn’t equal hating someone, because honestly I can sit here and theorize for fun, but that doesn’t mean you’ll find me on social media sending mean comments to her.

I’m probably missing a lot and this probably was a hot mess, and I apologize, but I tried to touch on the topics that have caught my eye the most about these two. As I stated at the beginning, I’m up for discussion and for you to theorize with me (you can even dm if you want it to be private) while you’re respectful with me and towards Luke and Sierra, which means I won’t be taking any comments that mock or say mean stuff towards her.

Thank you for reading!

[scottielambchop]

Tite Five Vol. 1

Here's the deal: Unemployment really sucks.

But it's important to keep "flexing my writing muscle." So, I decided to take the blog format I had with my old company and take it here. Which is rad because I can now write all the f-swears I want. But even better, I can rename this stupid fucking thing. So without further ado, I present to you my Tite Five.

Arby’s Subscription Box

Well, the more things change, the more they stay the same. I may not be writing blogs for an ad agency anymore, but that doesn't fuckin' mean I won't talk about fast food.

For those who don’t know me (and now that I’m writing on my own blog, I don’t know why the fuck you wouldn’t), I have sort of backed myself into a corner with Arby's. It all started innocently enough. I wrote a Facebook post asking if anyone wanted to go on a romantic date to Arby’s. Seemed like a funny-enough thing to say. But then I doubled down and asked the same question again a few weeks later. Then again. And again. Soon enough, I became the “Arby’s guy.” Which, to be honest, isn’t the worst thing to be known for. Especially since Arby’s is pretty good and their Pizza Slider is one of the most underrated QSR food items on the market.

Alright, now that I got that little nugget of useless bullshit out of the way, let’s get to this subscription box. For the past couple of years, Arby’s has been fucking killing it in the advertising game. Their hilarious Ving Rhames-voiced copy spots and subsequent transition to more visual stuff with H. Jon Benjamin, their delightfully nerdy paper-craft social posts, and now, their subscription box. That’s right, you fuckin’ heard (or read) me correctly, Arby’s now has a subscription box.

In early January, Arby’s tweeted out they would be sending a subscription box called Arby's of the Month. All you had to do was sign up for $25, and you would get six mystery boxes of seasonal gear from everyone’s favorite roast beef provider. Now, I’m sure you’re wondering, “Who the hell would want that?” Well, let me tell you, a lot of people the hell would want that. It sold out in less than an hour.

Minneapolis' Fallon (my dream agency) has done amazing work with Arby's. They've taken your grandparents’ favorite fast food joint and turned it into something for everyone. By simply getting weird with everything they do, the younger generations have latched on. Honestly, who the fuck would think about sending a subscription box full of roast beef swag, and how the fuck did it work so well? The answer is Fallon.

P.S. If anyone from Fallon is reading this, my portfolio is scottielantgen.com. Hire me, please.

Re-Watching South Park

One of the most beautiful things about unemployment in the digital age is the ability to hunt for jobs across the country while sitting on your couch and streaming a seemingly endless supply of shows. And that’s exactly what the fuck I’ve been doing with South Park.

Now before I begin, I just need to say that, yes, the show’s liberal use of the “f-word,” “r-word,” and countless racial stereotypes DO NOT hold up well to today’s standards. And honestly, I’m not going to defend it. It’s not my place.

Problematic dialogue aside, what I love about rewatching South Park from almost the very beginning (just skip the first three seasons. You're not missing much) is how it’s a perfect current event/pop culture time capsule. I seriously forgot about Elián González, Terri Schiavo, how the popularity of Paris Hilton made everyone fucking terrible for a while, and just the Passion of the Christ in general. But thanks to South Park, those headlines came rushing back in vivid detail.

South Park still holds up as some of the best satire ever created. It’s quick, funny, and often offensive. And I’m pretty sure that’s what Trey Parker and Matt Stone wanted it to be.

Also, Butters and Randy Marsh are two of my favorite fictional characters.

Skittles Commercial: The Broadway Musical

The “Big Game” (who has the money, amirite?) is tomorrow, and it’s like a goddamn advertising cotillion. It’s the day where the entire country gathers around a TV to eat a variety of sauced meats, drink one of three different beers, and watch the newest batch of commercials from some of the biggest brands in the country. I am told there’s also a football game.

This is the day companies spend millions of dollars for 30 seconds of air time. It’s absurd. But it’s the most viewed event of the entire year, so companies feel the need to get their air time. Except for Skittles. They've been doing something a little different.

Last year, Skittles was fed up with the high price of “Big Game” ad placement, and decided to ditch that mess and do their own thing. So, they did what any other rational company who wanted to advertise to millions of viewers would do. They made an ad for just one person (Check it out. It rules). This little stunt got them billions of media impressions, which, in a lot of ways, is just as good as paid placement.

Where does Skittles go after the major success of last year’s stunt? Broadway of course. During halftime, Skittles will present a one-time performance of Skittles Commercial: The Broadway Musical. Lead by Six Feet Under’s own Michael C. Hall (fuck Dexter), this 30-minute musical is slated to be very meta. Their website states, “Through song and dance, the show takes an absurdly self-reflective look at consumerism and the ever-increasing pervasiveness of brand advertising in our lives.”

It’s fucking brilliant, and I can’t wait to hear how it turns out.

Companies Taking a Stand

Other than writing as many “fucks” and “shits” as I want, one of the coolest things about writing this blog untied from any agency has to be freely expressing whatever dumb-fucking-shit opinion I have. Don’t get me wrong, my old company gave me a lot of freedom, but I always felt it best to stray away from any “controversial” or “political” opinions. Now I’m off the leash and ready to spread my leftist propaganda like a mother fucking virus!

There is a great divide in our country. I know it’s always been there, but it seems way worse ever since the 2016 campaign trail. Regardless, with this growing separation between liberals and conservatives/left and right/cool dudes and white people, companies are also taking sides. And I think it’s a really fucking smart idea.

As you’ve probably seen (and possibly burnt your own shoes about), Nike was one of the first major companies to take a stand for what they believed in. Hiring “controversial” athlete, Colin Kaepernick, to be the face of their newest campaign was a really bold move, but it paid off big time.

Yes, they faced a backlash. Fox News was all up their ass about “DiSrEsPeCtInG tHe FlAg,” and Twitter users shared a litany of videos of people destroying the products they already bought and paid for. But overall, the campaign was killer and showed that the company was willing to put themselves at risk for equality and doing what is right—though I’m sure they’re heartbroken your shitty uncle won’t buy their socks ever again.

Gillette was the next big company to pick a side. They took a stance on the truly controversial topic of “not being a shitty dude.” I really don’t know where the backlash for this came from, but apparently, men don’t like being told that it’s wrong to catcall and sexually assault women. For a bunch of “manly-men,” they’re really crying like little babies over a minute-long video. The ad is still pretty new, but it already seems to be resonating well with younger male audiences, but not so much with boomers. Weird, right?

And lastly, Patagonia just announced that they will donate all 10 million dollars they saved on tax cuts to environmental groups. I don’t know how people will find a way to be upset by this, but I don’t doubt for a single second that someone will. The world is a nightmare.

Listen, I know there are always going to counter-arguments.

“Oh, they’re just exploiting a current issue to make money.”

“Oh, you may think they’re doing the right thing, but their internal business model is totally fucked.”

“Oh, not all men.”

“Oh, that money could have gone to hard workers and not a stupid tree or whatever.”

It really doesn’t matter. This is advertising. They are spreading a message. You may not need a razor at this moment, but that spot can also serve as a reminder to be a better man. You may prefer a different brand of athletic wear, but that doesn’t mean you won’t be able to see how much a person has sacrificed to support a cause. You may not be a white Instagrammer, but now you know that some companies are doing honorable things. These companies aren't just selling products, they’re also selling ideals.

Gratitude

As I’ve alluded to throughout this post, I recently lost my job. I wanted to make light of it a little, but I also just wanted to get some things off my chest. The truth of the matter is this: I am forever grateful for the opportunity I was given and the people I befriended along the way. I was able to work with and learn from some of the most talented people I have ever met. I took a huge risk moving to a smaller, one-agency town to take this job—and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I am forever thankful for this time in my life.

One of my biggest New Year’s resolutions was to express more gratitude. As I said before, the country is divided. I can’t seem to hop on any social media channel without seeing some kind of bullshit-fueled fight going on. Everyone seems to be focusing on the negative and no one really cares about the positive (I fully understand the irony of this sentence). But this could change by expressing more gratitude for the people in your life and amazing opportunities.

Listen, I could be really pissed about the current state of the world. And honestly, I am. But I’m trying to express more positivity. Everyone else can complain about our turd of a president 24 hours a day. Why not tell the important people in your life why you’re thankful to have them? It’s a really fucking simple thing to do—and it could possibly start a chain reaction.

Listen, I’m not going to tell you to not focus on the bad parts of your job or whatever because that shit is so much more easily said than done. And it also goes on a job-by-job basis (I couldn’t really think of a positive in working in corporate finance or some soul-sucking shit like that). But I will say this, I’m thankful I was able to work a job where I could see a bright side. I learned a lot and I’m looking forward to the next steps in my career.

I know it seems tough to remain positive in such dark times. But, fuck, this is your life. You’ve only got one of em. Don’t spend it worrying or complaining all the time. Find the positive and try and improve upon that… or don’t. It’s your fuckin’ life. Do whatever you want.

Well, guys, that’s it for my very first Tite Five (but also not, ya know?). I hope this was as enthralling as Chris made it out to be. I love you all. I’ll probably see you next week with another post of sorts. Take care and don’t drink and drive after the “Big Game.”

[toonazcoolforyou]

I’m still figuring out details for Dominic himself but essentially he’s the cameraman for a TV show. The TV show itself is somewhat open as to what they specifically do but i was thinking something along the lines of a paranormal investigation, ghost hunters, or just ‘go explore weird places, rumors, or people!’ kind of thing. There’s approximately eight other members (seven are being requested) of the crew who have recently traveled to Spectracy, Michigan, and all have their own matters and quarrels to attend to. There’ll be somewhat vague blurbs about the characters but since nothing’s set in stone yet I’m definitely all ears for suggestions and ideas! The faces that’ll be listed below are just suggestions (even if I adore ‘em) and so if you wanna use someone else if you’re interested in the character you can! Also if you wanna use the face but don’t wanna make the character that’s totally fine too! I’m not gunna corner you ‘cause my brain is dumb and I’m posting this super late in the game lmao

---- ----, 50+, New Blood, Bereft, Host.

Hot-headed. Sarcastic. Loud-mouthed. The host of the TV show is a man who would rather keep talking rather than letting anyone else say even a word. He’s reckless, he can be considered a bit dense when it comes to helpful advice, but overall he’s not the worst guy in the world. Well, depending on who you talk to.

It’s been awhile since his divorce to the Analyst and it’s been about two to three years since he’s been seeing Dominic. The two aren’t exactly in an exclusive relationship -this being more on Dominic’s end- but deep down this man does care about Dominic. They may get into their arguments and bickering still, which does show that there’s some conflict of personalities between the two -though overall this character comes out on top and Dominic begrudgedly follows along.

Sugg. Face: Robert Downey Jr.

---- ----, 30+, New Blood, Bereft, Analyst.

Calculating. Spiteful. Orderly. The analyst of the show, who often appears in episodes to, well, analyze the data given, she is one of the more organized individuals about. That doesn’t mean she is pristine, of course; her arguments with the host of the show tell a different story. It’s also kind of awkward that this occurs since they were once married and, unsurprisingly, divorced -she claims it was his fault and he claims it was partially hers. Nowadays, due to wanting to stay on the show, she has kept a lot of comments to herself but she can’t help but make jabs at her ex-husband (and sometimes Dominic). It seems to have gotten worse again now that the crew has arrived in Spectracy.

Currently she is seeing the Researcher though whether they got married, are serious, or it’s something else entirely is left open.

Sugg. Face: Bryce Dallas Howard

---- ----, 40+, New Blood, Bereft or Bewitched, TV Show Owner.

Perfectionist. Snappy. Impulsive. The TV show owner isn’t exactly the most reputable man -there are rumors he had driven at least three shows under his belt to the ground in his mad quest to do… something- but he’s the crew’s boss and his word is final. He tends to not like bickering which is why he puts an immediate stop to it as soon as he can -while he’s present, of course. He’s kind of like a teacher trying to control an unruly classroom and being successful like 40% of the time.

He’s the one to initiate the idea of going to Spectracy, Michigan, and has said that he read about it online. Whether he’s telling the truth, lying, or somewhat telling the truth but there’s an ulterior motive to his actions is left open.

Sugg. Face: Orlando Jones (preferred PoC playby)

---- ----, 20s, New Blood, Bereft or Bewitching, Backstage Assistant.

Reserved by Mary

Chipper. Helpful. Motivated. The Backstage Assistant is a rather bubbly individual who does her best to lighten the mood with her words of wisdom. Okay, sure, she looks on Facebook first to see what she can say (which means that sometimes what she does say has nothing to do with the situation at hand) but it’s the thought that counts, right? She’s there to be a shoulder to lean on and she tries to make sense in a world filled with drama, nonsense, and people just being petty.

She’s pretty good friends with Dominic and acts as his shoulder angel, of sorts. She also may or may not like the Screenwriter, who is her best friend, but she’s too embarrassed to express her feelings towards him -the feelings likewise for him.

Sugg. Face: Yoon Yoo-Rae (preferred PoC playby)

---- ----, 30s, New Blood, Bereft or Bewitched, Screenwriter.

Humorous. Awkward. Goofy. He’s always the one cracking jokes and adding puns to the script which causes the others to groan when they happen across them during rehearsal. He gets a bit anxious easily which could be why humor is a defense mechanism for him but he also does it to try to make others smile -even if it’s in a ‘why did you make that?’ sort of way. Sometimes he has trouble realizing what he needs to do in a situation which causes inappropriate jokes to pop out and that gets him in trouble often.

He’s best friends with the Backstage Assistant and maaaaay have feelings for her but is too embarrassed to say them out loud -a feeling said best friend also shares.

Sugg. Face: Rahul Kohli (preferred PoC playby)

---- ----, 20s, Lost or New Blood, Bereft or Bewitching, Technician.

Intelligent. Quiet. Determined. The Technician is an extremely smart woman -perhaps to the point that she is a genius- that tends to stick to herself as much as she can. She does lend her thoughts to a situation sometimes but it comes out in snarky retorts so, at the very least, when she does speak she has some bite to her words. She could be considered apathetic towards a lot of situations though, perhaps, she just has difficulty conveying her emotions correctly. When she is given a task, she tends to focus on it to the point where she has to complete it unless there’s an emergency -and, even then, the emergency better damn well be worth the distraction.

Due to being the Technician, she works closely with Dominic and thus may get along with (or at least speak to) him the most out of the crew. There’s also the idea that she’s a Bewitching (going the route of a witch for that) and she knows quite a few things in dealing with the unnatural. Now that she’s in Spectracy, her skills may be put to the test as she deals with her new environment -or, perhaps, an environment she had been to before?

Sugg. Face: Antonia Thomas (preferred PoC playby)

---- ----, 40+, New Blood, Bereft, Researcher.

Intuitive. Thorough. Rational. The Researcher is a man who tries to make sure the crew isn’t getting themselves into something that’s beyond their skill (or pay) levels. He researches the location, the rumors, what’s been said about the phenomenon or people, and everything else in between. When the TV Show Owner found out about Spectracy it was up to the Researcher to find everything about it. He… might not have found information about what the town is really like and the horrors that lurk beneath -common mistake, right?... Right.

Currently he’s seeing the Analyst and while he’s exasperated by her ex-husband’s, the Host, antics he doesn’t try to hold anything against the man. He’s the one to bring arguments back to reality between the two and oftentimes he defends Dominic when the Analyst (or sometimes the Host) tries to drag him into the quarrels as well.

Sugg. Face: Russell Crowe

Current Members:

Dominic ----, 37, Lost or New Blood, Bereft or Bewitching, Cameraman. Michael Fassbender. Played by Nazcool.

[asfeedin]

The 50 Best Shows on Hulu Right Now (April 2020)

Last update: April 25, 2020.

Streaming TV is not a new concept, but its popularity is at an all-time high. Thanks to the wonder of on-demand viewing, fans of most TV series need not worry about catching their favorite show when it airs, or even setting up their DVR. To help you sort through the massive vault that is Hulu’s library, we’ve put together a list of the best shows on the streaming service for April. From comedies to animated classics, we cover it all.

Further reading

Nathan for You

Life is tough for small business owners, but if your business is struggling, there’s one man you can turn to for help: Nathan Fielder (playing a fictional version of himself), a consultant with a metaphorical briefcase full of bizarre marketing ideas and social anxiety. When an ordinary business owner finds themselves in a tricky situation, Fielder strolls into their lives like an awkward Rumpelstiltskin, ready to solve their problem in some bizarre way. Nathan For You is a brilliant mockumentary, with Nathan’s outlandish marketing stunts confusing the ordinary folk entangled in them — his parody coffee shop Dumb Starbucks even made international news!

Watch now

Letterkenny

Set in the remote, rural town of Letterkenny (populated, the show tells us, entirely by hicks, skids, hockey players, and Christians), Jared Keeso’s comedy Letterkenny follows a group of hicks: Wayne (Keeso), his friend Daryl (Nathan Dales), Katy (Michelle Mylett), and Squirrelly Dan (K. Trevor Wilson), as well as a pair of hockey players, Reilly (Dylan Playfair) and Jonesy (Andrew Herr), with whom Katy has a three-way relationship. The show revolves around their lives and encounters with the other eccentrics in the town. It’s a show deeply rooted in Canadian culture, with heavy use of slang, but even those unfamiliar with the vernacular will quickly come to appreciate the show’s deadpan wit.

Watch now

Catch-22

Adapting a great work of literature, particularly one as stylish as Joseph Heller’s Catch-22, is a daunting task, but George Clooney and company managed to do it, more or less successfully, in this four-part miniseries. Set during World War II, Catch-22 follows Yossarian (Christopher Abbott), an American bombardier desperate to get out of the war. He wants to take advantage of the military’s policy of discharging any soldier on the basis of insanity. Unfortunately, Yossarian’s desire to get discharged for insanity is stifled by the military’s Catch-22 clause: Anyone who is crazy can ask to be discharged, but anyone asking to be discharged is clearly thinking rationally. So Yossarian keeps flying missions, and his superiors keep raising the number of missions required to end the war, and the war seems no closer to ending. Catch-22 is a darkly hilarious examination of the horrors of bureaucracy (and war), with a brilliant cast including — along with Abbott — George Clooney, Kyle Chandler, Hugh Laurie, and Julie Ann Emery.

Watch now

Ramy

The streaming world is awash in introspective, character-driven comedies, and while Ramy’s format will feel familiar, it adds a new wrinkle. The eponymous character (played by comedian Ramy Youssef) isn’t just a millennial dealing with the awkward ups and downs of work and dating in the 21st century. He’s also Muslim and trying to lead a moral life in amoral times. Ramy wades in ambiguities and its protagonist’s hypocrisies and hang-ups — he’s uncomfortable kissing a Muslim woman on their first date, but fine hooking up with non-Muslims, for which the former chews him out. It’s a show with a unique perspective and a willingness to present its characters in an unflattering light.

Watch now

The Venture Bros.

Adult Swim’s long-running (the series has been running off and on since 2003) dark comedy The Venture Bros. is a hilarious, occasionally depressing exploration of failure and legacies, set in a world full of colorful characters. Originally built as a parody of ‘60s adventure shows like Jonny Quest, The Venture Bros. focuses on Dr. Rusty Venture (James Urbaniak), a once-famous boy adventurer who grew up to be a failed scientist and owner of his father’s company, as well as his two sons, Hank (Christopher McCulloch) and Dean (Michael Sinterniklaas), and their bodyguard, secret agent/bulky murder machine Brock Samson (Patrick Warburton). The show follows the family through various adventures and schemes, flitting through various genres and story structures. The humor is weird but often brilliant — one particularly strange episode reimagines the Scooby gang as a bunch of drug-addled fiends — but what truly stands out about the show is how it has built a vast world full of recurring, oddball characters whose relationships evolve over time.

Watch now

Atlanta

Donald Glover is a modern Renaissance man: Since launching a comedy career via skits circulated on YouTube, he has since branched into rapping, acting, and even showrunning, with the remarkable, surreal comedy-drama Atlanta. The show follows a dogged college dropout named Earn (Glover), who sleeps at his on/off-again girlfriend’s place and struggles to provide for their child. When he learns that his cousin Alfred is starting to achieve success as a rapper — stage name: Paper Boi — Earn becomes his manager. There is not much of an overarching plot to Atlanta. Most episodes play out like short films, and the show experiments with a variety of stories and formats — one standout episode is presented entirely as an episode of a local interview show, complete with fake commercials. Daring and frequently poignant, Atlanta is one of the most exciting shows on TV today.

Watch now

The Bisexual

Desiree Akhavan’s The Bisexual is a character study of a bisexual woman, Leila (Akhavan), who breaks up with her older girlfriend after the latter proposes marriage. Leila moves in with a writer, Gabe (Brian Gleeson), and sets about trying to explore relationships with men, with sometimes awkward results. Leila must navigate not just relationships with men, but her friendships with the lesbian women she’s spent years associating with, who aren’t sure what to make of her now. It’s a complicated, emotionally honest examination of sexuality, with a complex cast of characters and a deft balance of humor of drama.

Watch now

PEN15

These days, coming-of-age stories are a dime a dozen, but few of them are as novel — or cringeworthy — as PEN15. Co-creators Maya Erskine and Anna Konkle star as 13-year-old versions of themselves, allowing the series to address topics and situations many would consider taboo if performed by younger lead actors. The two find their footing in hormone-fueled incidents involving masturbation and AOL Instant Messenger, not to mention everyday encounters with parents, principals, and the kind of insult-spewing preteens you can expect to find at any middle school. It’s all served with a heavy dose of ’90s-inspired nostalgia, meaning if the show’s no-holds-barred look at adolescence isn’t enough, perhaps the constant references to the Spice Girls will be.

Watch now

Better Things

The age of the subversive sitcom continues with Better Things, a dark, caustic comedy about growing older and raising kids. The show follows Sam Fox (Pamela Adlon), a struggling actress raising three kids by herself in Los Angeles. Sam juggles her attempts to advance her career and have fun with her responsibility to her daughters, each of whom presents their own unique difficulties. Adlon and co-creator Louis C.K. previously worked on the surreal comedy-drama Louie, and Better Things shows a similar mean streak, narrowing in on the grimy, depressing aspects of parenthood that other sitcoms gloss over.

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The Last Man on Earth

Most people probably don’t consider the end of the world to be a hilarious scenario; thankfully, the creators of The Last Man on Earth were not deterred. The show finds humor in the apocalypse, following a man named Phil Miller (Will Forte), who wanders the ghost town of Tuscon after a viral outbreak destroys civilization. He eventually finds a companion, Carol Pilbasian (Kristen Schaal), but their personality quirks make life together problematic, to say the least. The Last Man on Earth is a strange show, and also a sharply written one, rendering it the kind of ambitious sitcom that only rarely comes along.

Watch now

Shrill

Comedian Aidy Bryant is, arguably, one of the best things about the current crop of Saturday Night Live performers. As such, it was only a matter of time before she found herself a proper show, one that riffs on her particular skill set and brand of humor. Shrill is that show. It’s based on author Lindy West’s 2016 memoir of the same name and is a biting take on what it means to be overweight, awkward, and a woman in a society that doesn’t always take kindly to any of the aforementioned traits. Needless to say, Bryant’s on-screen career as a struggling journalist is just the springboard for the show’s larger commentary.

Watch now

Key & Peele

Great sketch shows have been in short supply for a while now, which makes it all the easier to appreciate the short but brilliant life of Key & Peele. Starring former MADtv members Keegan-Michael Key and Jordan Peele, the show is an adventurous collection of sketches that blend absurdist humor and social commentary. See, for example, a skit in which white news anchors complain about the dangers of “black ice” on the streets at night, to the indignation of their black colleagues. Not every sketch is political, however; sometimes they just freak out about the latest Liam Neeson film. Both hosts bring manic energy and throw themselves fully into a variety of roles.

Watch now

Man Seeking Woman

Following a breakup with his long-term girlfriend, Josh Greenberg (Jay Baruchel) needs to rebound … badly. Man Seeking Woman chronicles his adventures in dating, which involve, among other things, dating a troll, attending a wedding in Hell, and fiddling with the space-time continuum in an attempt to fix relationship mistakes. The show explores common aspects of life and dating through surreal scenes; an episode where Josh is tempted to cheat on a current girlfriend, for example, finds him taking a trip to “boyfriend court” in his mind. The show’s absurdist sense of humor at times makes it seem like a live-action cartoon, but the tone is balanced out by nuanced characters and some great performances. Baruchel is excellent as the somewhat charming, sometimes petulant Josh, and other characters — such as Josh’s best friend, Mike (Eric Andre), and sister, Liz (Britt Lower) — add memorable performances of their own.

Watch now

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

What South Park is to late-night animation, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia is to sitcoms. Rob McElhenney, Glen Howerton, and Charlie Day — who also created and write the show — star as three best friends who kind of hate each other, while Kaitlin Olson and Danny DeVito round out the cast as the infamous Dee and Frank. The group often finds itself in some of the most absurd situations as the members push into the uncharted and irreverent comedic territory for which the show is well known, usually as a result of their own botched schemes.

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Community

Community has seen its fair share of ups and downs while on NBC but this Dan Harmon comedy is one of the funniest shows on TV — its first three seasons were, at least. The show centers around a group of newly acquainted friends who attend a blunder of a community college. Joel McHale, Chevy Chase, and Donald Glover headline this hilarious show while Jim Rash’s turn as the dean is as funny as any character on TV. It’s no longer on the airwaves, but Yahoo recently picked up the show for an online-only sixth season.

Watch now

Adventure Time

Cartoon Network’s Adventure Time has amassed a huge audience over its six-season run, one that crosses over into numerous demographics, making it a contemporary classic for adults and kids alike. The stories of best friends Jake and Finn in the magical Land of Ooo are a joy to watch. Whether the duo is protecting the land from the evil (and misunderstood) Ice King or helping a young Vampire navigate her family life, Adventure Time captures a sense of adventure and fun, while providing a subtle maturity that speaks to older audiences.

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Parks and Recreation

Fans of NBC’s other workplace comedy, The Office, will no doubt see some similarities in Parks and Recreation. Amy Poehler heads a hilarious cast comprised of comedian Aziz Ansari, Nick Offerman, and Chris Pratt. The show follows this cast of characters as they run the parks and recreation department in the small town of Pawnee, Indiana. The writing and comedic timing are superb as Parks is a bonafide hit and features some of modern television’s most memorable characters, such as the meat-loving Ron Swanson.

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Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Parks and Recreation creators Michael Schur and Dan Goor struck comedy gold yet again with their action-comedy, Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Andy Samberg stars in the show, which focuses on a fictional police department precinct in the Brooklyn borough of New York City. Andre Braugher plays the yin to Andy Samberg’s yang, providing dry, yet hilariously timed humor during each episode. In just its first season, Brooklyn Nine-Nine took home two Golden Globe trophies.

Watch now

Broad City

Ilana and her best friend Abbi are two 29-something women, living in New York. Abbi is a struggling artist, working at a fitness center while she attempts to get her career off the ground. Ilana, on the other hand, does everything in her power to avoid working, and instead pursues all manner of pleasurable distractions, including sexual escapades and consuming large amounts of marijuana. The two are often pulled into crazy scenarios, frequently as a consequence of one of Ilana’s ill-conceived plots. Broad City has received high praise from critics due to its clever writing and subtle-yet-effective message of female empowerment.

Watch now

Arrested Development

Despite getting canceled by Fox in 2006, Ron Howard and Mitchell Hurwitz’s Arrested Development saw critical success across the board. Jason Bateman, Will Arnett, and Michael Cera star as family members of the very dysfunctional Bluth family living in Newport Beach, California. The show centers around Michael Bluth (Bateman) as he’s forced to assist his off-the-wall relatives after the family business comes under fire.

Watch now

Seinfeld

Seinfeld is a show that needs no introduction. Starring comedian Jerry Seinfeld, Julia-Louis-Dreyfus as Elaine Benes, Jason Alexander as the neurotic George Costanza, and Michael Richards as the hilarious Kramer, each episode follows the group of friends as they endure the absurdities of life in the big city (along with their own foibles). Thankfully, the Emmy-winning sitcom has endured since its original run in the ’90s, further solidifying it as one of the most popular and important comedies to ever air on television.

Watch now

Rick and Morty

Creators Dan Harmon (Community) and Justin Roiland (House of Cosbys) teamed up to create one of the best animated comedies in years. The basic premise centers on Rick (Roiland), a scientist who employs the help of his grandson, Morty, to assist him with dangerous quests and various schemes across space and time. The Adult Swim series is chock full of biting satire and clever humor, and moreover, has garnered a cult following in the wake of its successful and highly-acclaimed first season.

Watch now

Drunk History

If you enjoy history, but find history shows to be a little dry, why not add liquor? Comedy Central’s Drunk History, which evolved from a Funny or Die web series, follows host Derek Waters and a revolving lineup of guests, who get drunk and recite stories from history, from big events like the revolutionary war to smaller ones like Edgar Allan Poe’s feud with publisher Rufus Griswold. For each lecture, actors — generally notable comic actors such as Kristen Wiig or Bob Odenkirk — re-enact the events, going so far as to incorporate the narrator’s mistakes or drunken tics. Watching Drunk History, you’ll probably get a few laughs, and maybe even learn something new.

Watch now

Black-ish

ABC’s Black-ish is one of many shows to have sprung up during the latest sitcom renaissance, which seems to emphasize distinct points of view not often seen on TV. This particular sitcom follows the Johnsons, an upper-middle-class family in America. Parents Dre (Anthony Anderson) and Rainbow (Tracee Ellis Ross) try to raise their children, whom they worry may be growing up in a vastly different milieu than they did. The show takes a critical look at issues of race and identity in contemporary America, balancing heavy social commentary with character-driven comedy.

Watch now

Futurama

Although it didn’t attain immortality like its unending older brother The Simpsons (which now has the most scripted episodes of any prime-time series), Matt Groening’s other cartoon, Futurama, established an identity of its own as a funny, often poignant vision of the future. The show follows Philip J. Fry (Billy West), a delivery boy who stumbles into a cryogenic pod and wakes up a thousand years in the future. He ends up working for an interplanetary delivery company, working with a variety of colorful characters, including steely cyclops Leela (Katey Sagal) and hard-drinking, sociopathic robot Bender (John DiMaggio). Futurama is an inventive comedy, with every episode going in some wild directions, and it has an incredible cast of oddballs to bounce off each other.

Watch now

Samurai Champloo

Although it lives in the shadow of Cowboy Bebop, director Shinichiro Watanabe’s follow-up, Samurai Champloo, is a terrific anime series, one that deserves to be considered on its own terms. Set in Edo-era Japan, the series follows an unlikely trio of travelers: A young waitress named Fuu, quiet ronin Jin, and wild swordsman Mugen. Fuu wants to find a samurai who smells like sunflowers, and after saving Jin and Mugen from execution, enlists them as bodyguards. The three wander Japan, encountering a variety of bizarre characters and scenarios (including a baseball game for the fate of Japan and a possible zombie apocalypse). Dynamic animation, vibrant art, and a chill hip-hop soundtrack are just a few of the reasons to watch this masterpiece.

Watch now

One-Punch Man

Superheroes can be a little boring, can’t they? Does anybody really doubt, when a bank robber comes face-to-face with Superman, that the ensuing fight can go any way but one? One-Punch Man takes the one-sided nature of superheroes to its extreme conclusion, following Saitama (Makoto Furukawa), a hero so powerful he can defeat any foe with a single punch. Being unstoppable leads Saitama to a profound sense of ennui, however, and he must seek out stronger and stronger opponents to feel alive. One-Punch Man is a hilarious parody for fans of superheroes or anime, and it doesn’t hurt that the action is rendered in smooth, colorful animation.

Watch now

Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood

The second adaptation of the popular manga, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood hews much more closely to the original story. The show, set in the fantasy setting of Amestris, follows the brothers Edward and Alphonse Elric, sons of a famed alchemist. After their father disappears and their mother dies, the boys take up the mystical art of alchemy, but a failed attempt at a forbidden ritual comes at a price: Edward loses an arm and a leg, while Alphonse loses his whole body, his soul trapped in a suit of armor. The boys seek work as military alchemists, hoping to use the government’s resources to research the legendary Philosopher’s Stone and find a way to restore their bodies. Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood stands out in the vast field of anime thanks to its distinct setting, complex characters, and inventive action sequences.

Watch now

Vikings

History (the network) melds historic accuracy with epic action in Vikings, a dramatized recounting of a prolific figure in Scandinavian lore, Ragnar Lodbrok. Vikings follows the exploits of the cunning Ragnar (Travis Fimmel) as he becomes the most powerful ruler of Europe’s Viking Age, or at least, the one the history books and Nordic sagas remember him as. The show has received much acclaim during its run thus far — and without the gratuitous nudity common to most cable epics — earning it numerous Emmy nominations for both effects and design.

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Joss Whedon’s horror/fantasy/comedy/coming-of-age series was one of the defining shows of the ’90s, a teen drama with a healthy dose of humor and also monsters. The show begins with teenager Buffy Summers (Sarah Michelle Gellar) starting school in her new hometown: Sunnydale, California. It’s a quaint town, a perfect place to raise a family — if you can look past all the vampires, demons, and other creatures haunting the town. Luckily for the people of Sunnydale, Buffy is no ordinary teen; she’s a “Slayer,” a demon-fighting warrior blessed with superhuman powers. Along with her friends Xander (Nicholas Brendon) and Willow (Alyson Hannigan), as well as her mentor, Giles (Anthony Stewart Head), Buffy hunts monsters and tries to pass her classes. Although the early episodes are rough, Buffy the Vampire Slayer grew into one of the smartest shows on television in its day, a series that used its fantasy elements as metaphors for the travails of growing up and finding one’s place in the world. It doesn’t hurt that it had a sharp, self-aware sense of humor.

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Firefly

FOX

Before he was the mastermind behind Marvel’s cinematic universe, Joss Whedon was known for creating memorable television series such as Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Firefly. While the latter only lasted for one season before it was ultimately canceled and later revived with the film Serenity, it has garnered a rabid cult following. The sci-fi series is set just after an interplanetary civil war between the populated inner system planets and the outer planets, where life resembles the American West. The series is well known for its cast of likable characters, including Nathan Fillion’s Mal Reynolds, who captains the titular ship and is arguably the coolest space criminal since Han Solo.

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Cowboy Bebop

Anime is often labeled as a niche genre, but like with all forms of media, there are breakout examples that transcend the genre, crossing over in appeal. Cowboy Bebop is a prime example. Set in the early era of humanity’s colonization of the solar system, a ragtag group of bounty hunters led by Spike Spiegel (Steven Blum) makes ends meet by taking in wanted criminals, while simultaneously trying to avoid the law and powerful criminal organizations. This space-western has been lauded as one of the best anime series ever made, with a memorable cast and compelling story, and featuring one of the most iconic final scenes ever.

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Preacher

Based on the acclaimed comic series by Garth Ennis, Preacher follows the story of Jesse Custer (Dominic Cooper), a former criminal working as a preacher in Texas. His faith shaky, Jesse’s life is changed when an otherworldly entity possesses him, granting him supernatural powers. Soon, Jesse teams up with his ex-girlfriend Tulip (Ruth Negga) and an Irish vampire named Cassidy (Joseph Gilgun), as he tries to master his new powers and deal with a host of enemies, including a powerful and corrupt businessman, Odin Quincannon (Jackie Earle Haley). The show benefits from excellent direction, thanks to showrunner Sam Catlin (who previously worked on Breaking Bad). Bloody, violent, and set against the sun-parched backdrop of Texas, Preacher evokes classic Westerns, but the supernatural elements and bizarre characters will appeal to viewers of modern genre shows like Game of Thrones.

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Star Trek: The Original Series

Few franchises have grown such a massive fanbase as the Star Trek franchise. The Original Series features William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy as the iconic Captain Kirk and officer Spock, respectively. Though dated — the show aired from 1966 to ’69 — it’s an appreciated blast from the past and one which created the foundation for so many TV spinoffs and movies. That, and few would argue that Captain Kirk and Spock are among television’s all-time best duos.

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Star Trek: The Next Generation

Perhaps the most popular of the Star Trek TV shows, The Next Generation ran for an impressive seven seasons from 1987 to 1994. Patrick Stewart takes the lead as Captain Jean-Luc Picard who guides the starship Enterprise across the galaxy in search of new life and civilizations. It built off the cult success of The Original Series and solidified the Star Trek franchise as one of the best science fiction universes across TV or film. Despite taking place within the boundaries of space — where no man had gone before —TNG drew allegories to our earthbound cultural issues that took place during its televised run.

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The Twilight Zone

Rod Serling’s science fiction/fantasy series The Twilight Zone remains one of the best-written shows ever to air on American television. The original series aired for five seasons from 1959 to 1964 with Serling serving as not just head writer but also host and narrator. Each episode’s new story sees the main character encounter paranormal or unusual events that lead to an eventual moral. Though it spawned two spinoff series, the original Twilight Zone is the best of the bunch.

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Killing Eve

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Legion

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You’re the Worst

Although drama and comedy are often viewed separately in pop culture, they make for a splendid pairing — just ask Shakespeare! Or, if you want a more contemporary example, look to You’re the Worst, a show that weds character-based drama and absurd humor. It focuses on Jimmy (Chris Geere) and Gretchen (Aya Cash), who start a casual relationship after meeting at a wedding. Both of them are dealing with problems personal and professional: Jimmy is a narcissistic writer struggling to get published, Gretchen is a clinically depressed PR agent representing a difficult rapper. Together, they try to enjoy life and figure out their careers, and You’re the Worst does not shy away from the dark side of either, exploring the toll of frequent partying and the conflicts inherent in every relationship. At times witty, at times woeful, You’re the Worst is one of the most intelligent and human shows on television right now.

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Fargo

Based on the Coen brothers’ beloved film of the same name, Fargo returns to the icy plains of Minnesota, a space where nefarious plots are conceived and enacted by otherwise seemingly normal folks. The TV adaptation features an all-star cast that includes Billy Bob Thornton and Martin Freeman, not to mention Colin Hanks and Allison Tolman, and stays true to the same black comedy and deadly mishaps that made the original film so popular.

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Sons of Anarchy

The biker gang, the Sons of Anarchy Motorcycle Club Redwood Original (aka SAMCRO), makes ends meet by trafficking guns and subverting the law at every turn. However, when the gang’s young Vice President Jax Teller (Charlie Hunnam) discovers the diary of his deceased father, he begins to question SAMCRO’s business decisions. This puts Jax at odds with his stepfather Clay Morrow (Ron Perlman), who presides as the club’s president. The series tells the story of Jax’s efforts to keep the club together while balancing his complicated family life.

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The Handmaid’s Tale

In a not-too-distant future, after an environmental disaster causes widespread infertility, an extremist cult in the United States stages a coup, establishing the totalitarian state of Gilead. In this new society, women are relegated to subservient roles, and due to the low birth rate, a class of women called “handmaids” is conscripted to bear children for the leaders of Gilead. The protagonist of The Handmaid’s Tale, Offred (Elisabeth Moss), is one such woman, forced to have ritualized sex with Commander Fred Waterford (Joseph Fiennes) to provide him and his wife a child. Living without any rights or power, Offred tries to survive each day, hoping to one day be free. The Handmaid’s Tale is a masterful adaptation of Margaret Atwood’s grim novel of the same name, with excellent performances and gorgeous, oft-disturbing scene composition.

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Harlots

This historical drama follows Margaret Wells (Samantha Morton), a madam running a brothel in 18th-century London. Eager to climb the social ladder — and dodge the authorities — Margaret moves into the territory of her former boss, high-class madam Lydia Quigley (Lesley Manville), sparking a war between the two. Caught up in Margaret’s schemes are her two daughters, Charlotte (Jessica Brown Findlay) and Lucy (Eloise Smyth), whom she has pushed into prostitution. Despite the lurid subject matter, Harlots is never merely titillating; this is a show with a keen eye for the power dynamics at work in its setting, and how hierarchy turns even sex into a cold transaction. A complicated drama with intriguing characters, Harlots is a great show for people who like their historical dramas on the seedier side.

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Castle Rock

Stephen King is one of modern America’s most prolific authors, with nearly 60 novels and 200 short stories, and that allows the creators of Castle Rock, a show that draws inspiration from a variety of King’s works, to create an eerie melange of the author’s stories. Castle Rock follows Henry Deaver (André Holland), a defense attorney and a pariah in his hometown of Castle Rock, who nevertheless returns after guards at Shawshank Penitentiary find a nameless man (Bill Skarsgård) locked in an abandoned cellblock. As Henry delves into the mystery behind this stranger known only as “The Kid,” he wades into a mystery that stretches back years. Castle Rock is loaded with Easter eggs for ardent King fans to grin at, but even those who haven’t read the author’s complete bibliography can enjoy the show, as it tells a creepy story that can stand on its own merits.

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The X-Files

Chris Carter’s science fiction drama, The X-Files, operated under one simple premise: The truth is out there. FBI Special Agents Fox Mulder (David Duchovny) and Dana Scully (Gillian Anderson) investigate unsolved mysteries called X-Files. These X-Files deal with paranormal activity, aliens, UFO sightings, and various phenomena. Mulder believes in the existence of alien life while Scully offers scientific explanations for the mysterious happenings.

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Twin Peaks

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American Horror Story

American Horror Story is an anthology series where each season centers on its own unique story, with a core cast whose role change from season to season. Each season provides scares and frightening psychological storylines, whether they take place within a troubled family home, amid a coven of witches, or inside a hotel of circus freaks. American Horror Story is a unique drama, one that capitalizes on the work of series creator Ryan Murphy.

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Survivor

Outwit. Outplay. Outlast. Survivor‘s three main tenets have helped the show “survive” for an admirable 33 seasons, and the competition shows no signs of slowing down. Whether you’re a fan of the rugged early seasons, or you prefer “Fans vs. Favorites,” you can get your fill on Hulu. And if you weren’t already aware, the show follows two teams of contestants, both of which must survive for 40 days in a remote location while their teammates and opponents scheme to vote them “off the island.” Tiki torches also come standard.

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Catfish

Catfish follows hosts Nev Schulman and Max Joseph as they work to unravel the mysteries behind online-only relationships. Each episode details their investigation into a particular relationship and their ongoing effort to figure out if it’s actually real, or if one of the participants is merely being “catfished.” It’s an interesting — and questionably ethical — exploration into internet politics and people’s personal lives.

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Top Chef

In Top Chef, competitors are pitted against one another in a variety of themed challenges in attempts to find out who can create the better meal. Quickfire challenges force contestants to test their skills and finish a meal before the allotted time runs out, while Elimination challenges generally entail more detailed and difficult culinary undertakings. After 14 seasons, we only have one question: where can we sign up to judge?

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Editors’ Recommendations

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[viralhottopics]

‘Are You The One?’ Recap: Hi My Name Is Tyranny And Im An Alcoholic

Hello everyone. I would like to thank my loyal followers for questioning my whereabouts on Twitter. I was actually on vacation, because Im not poor. Sorry, but watching these morons was just not a fucking option. I was zen AF and I dont need Carolinas crocodile tears ruining it, k thx.

ANYWAYS, so onto the episode. It was kind of eh, Im going to be honest. If youre looking for another reason to be annoyed by Giannas existence though, then it def delivered.

AFTER THE MATCH CEREMONY

They are all pumped about getting four beams. In fact, if you took a shot for every time someone said four fucking beams youd need to get stomach pumped four fucking times.

Tyranny is like Ossssssssssssssssvaldo is my match. Honestly can we just cut the accent though? Hes from Chicago for gods sake, not Italy.

Oswaldo is not so sure. Hes like she could be my match! Or she isnt! Yeah, thats pretty much how life works, actually.

Also, can we acknowledge the giant-ass drink Tee has the whole time? That cup is actually my favorite cast member this season.

Carolina and Hayden start having a pillow fight because FOUR FUCKING BEAMS, AMIRIGHT?

Now Carolina is very suddenly into Hayden. Carolinas emotions give me whiplash. Betsy DeVos nomination was more certain than this bitch.

Gianna is like “OH NO. NOT TODAY. I DID NOT LEAVE THE SOUTHSIDE FOR THIS.” Shes like I’M GOING TO CONTINUE TO PURSUE THIS MAN WHO TREATS ME SO WELL. Even though they are a confirmed no match. Makes total sense.

So you unfriend-zoned him to cock block him? Seems v fair. So when you go to sleep, do you leave Haydens balls under your pillow or on your nightstand? Let me know.

*Starts Twitter Poll* Is Gianna hot? Yes or No?

Tyler apologizes to Taylor and is like “I have no excuse for being the ‘big bad wolf’ in this.” So youre eating peoples grandmas now? Very Hannibal Lecter-chic. Not sure Tyler understands that hes referencing a fairytale, but hes pretty so well overlook it.

Hes like these girls are all over me wah, life is hard.

TAYLOR: Im mad *looks at Tylers beautiful face* but Im not like, thatttt mad

Hes like Im not that guy, you know that! Shes like,

TYLER: I want to dump Shannon and date you

EVERYONE AT HOME:

Gianna goes to have a talk with Hayden, which she announces for everyone to know. Shes from the Midwest, okay? Shes not used to this whole having brains thing, cut her some slack!

GIANNA: HEY CAMERA GUY IM GOING TO HAVE A TALK WITH HAYDEN ALSO GIANNA: were very low-key shhhh

Little Mike is like this is bullshit, they are not a match, they need to stop and its like SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK.

GIANNA: I dont want to stop you from doing something but stop fucking doing it. (Im not even making that up, thats an exact quote) HAYDEN: But I need to play the game GIANNA: Did I fucking stutter

So Hayden has relocated from friendzone island to being a little bitch island. Need a house warming gift, Hayden? Ill get you crowbar so you can pull your head out of your ass. Youre welcome.

Gianna and Hayden have sex, giving life to the newest Trump supporter Im sure. Carolina sees all of this and is like wtffffff. Shes like, totally in love with Hayden! Like, they spoke for a whole 10 minutes. Didnt that mean anything to him?

Andre is like “IF THEY FUCK THIS UP IM GOING TO BE PISSED” and Im like do it. Get mad. You wont. No balls.

Honestly, Gianna could probs take Andre in a fight. That girl should be a fuckin prison warden.

THE CHALLENGE

The challenge this week is for the dudes. The guys have to spin themselves and then go through an obstacle course. Then they have to shoot a basketball into the hoop of the girl they want to date. The person who shoots the third basketball in the hoop wins the date.

challenges sound like the hazing the gay frats do. Its all v weak.

The guys start the game and are falling all over the place. *plays Ed Sheeran*

Hayden is like, fuck it. Fuck this game. Idfc anymore, Im here for Gianna.

HAYDEN:I love Gianna

ME:

He decides to help Oswaldo win a date with Tee. See heres the thingI like Hayden, but I also think hes being very dumb. Its a hard spot for me rn. Really struggling.

Tee being proud of Oswaldo for winning is like Trump being proud of winning president. We all know he couldnt have won without Hayden/Russia.

Derrick and Joey are trying to win Rush Boobss date. Derrick wants to win because fuck Joey. Theyre shooting for legit five minutes. Seriously, Ive seen better shots from . When is the last time you played basketball? Third grade? Derricks like I played division I basketball! which sounds like an alternative fact to me.

Joey wins. So its Osvaldo/Tee and Joey/Rush Boobs.

Ryan tells them they are going to trapeze and Tee is like Im black, I shouldnt be in the air. How did you get to the Dominican Republic? Drive? Horseback? I didnt know your skin color made you less aerodynamic. I just saw and honestly, Im a fucking scientist now.

BACK AT THE HOUSE

Lets all agree that Tee is low-key alcoholic. Shes constantly sipping from that big-ass cup and it seems like they have a good connection. Could that be her match?

Eddie is talking to Alicia about how he is poor and shes like “LOL not me, cant relate to you peasant.” Eddie, you need to get your ass over to Kam where you fucking belong. Know your fucking place. Do not fuck this up for me, Eddie.

Tyler is trying to break up with Shannon and it is a train fucking wreck. Hes like I need to do the right thing and leave you. He actually stole the whole speech from Gabriella in .

REAL PICTURE OF TYLER:

Shannon is like “I feel dumb.” And she should, because she just got played. I feel bad for Shannon. Her voice makes me want to take a waltz off a bridge, but I do feel things, kind of.

Tylers like I didnt realize girls have feelings and get mad when you treat them poorly. Thats like saying I didnt know when you light shit on fire, it gets hot.

Meanwhile, Tee is very much trying to date rape Osvaldo. Its creepy tbh. If a guy was doing that to a girl on this show I would be dialing 911 by now. Tee, knock it off, it’s super gross.

They go to the boom boom room and literally boom boom because they break something. Oswaldo, way to not hold your ground.

Kam is oiling Eddie up and being goofy. I needed this.

Shes like I know Alicia and Eddy have a good friendship, Im not getting territorial, because this is a game show. I LOVE YOU KAM, I AM STARTING YOUR FAN CLUB. Shes so rational. Everyone be like her please.

THE DATE

Oswaldo is like this date will take our relationship to the next level, even though it already has gone to the next level. *wink, wink* I remember when I lost my virginity. We get it, you had sex.

They go to the trapeze place and Oswaldo is like Hopefully I dont break my neck. Thats a pretty reasonable goal.

They all are like surprisingly good at this. Even Tee, whose blackness surprisingly does not hinder her capabilities. Its a miracle.

Oswaldo and Tee are like being lovey-dovey because they fucked that one time. Hes like shes not trying to rape me and I like this side of her. I too am a big fan of the people who dont try and sexually assault me. Weird.

THE TRUTH BOOTH

Ryan comes in hot and asks about the no matches, aka Gianna and Hayden, still hooking up.

Giannas like HOW IS THIS OUR FAULT??? Uh, youre a confirmed no match and youre hooking up. I feel like Im taking crazy pills. Leave the dumb shit to Rush Boobs, please god.

The house is like, “ugh we hate you, lets just get this shit over with.” Thats how I felt with pledges in my sorority.

Tyranny and Oswaldo go to the truth booth because duh.

OSWALDO: Im excited to learn if were a match and really connect on a deeper level. TEE: Im tryna fuck.

Im stressed because Tee will def die of alcohol poisoning tonight if this doesnt work out. And what do you know, NO MATCH.

Tee was like I was falling in love with him. Shes crying. Hes crying. This is depressing. Did I accidentally sit on the remote and turn on ?

Oswaldo starts boxing while Andre is talking him down and all the guys hug him. Wow, I love the bromance. What I love more is that eventually one of them will try and fight another. #Drama

After everything, Tyler and Shannon are still hanging out. Whats Tylers favorite thing about Shannon? She isnt Taylor. Hes got high standards, ya know? #FourFuckingBeams

Taylor is like youre fucked up. And hes like why, because Im having a conversation?

Ugh Taylor, this paaaaains me to say, because I usually automatically side with the hot girl, but hes low-key right. You need to chill out and move on. Hes not worth it, dude. Hes just not.

Andre asks Taylor wtf shes doing with Tyler and Im like YAS KEEP THIS UP.

Andre is like actually, we like each other, Taylor. And shes like wait, yeah we do. WTF is this Jedi mind control shit Andre has.

ANDRE: *swinging coin back and forth* you are getting very sleepy.. and youre going to fuck me TAYLOR: *eyes glazed* yes, master

He says that she should be a Victorias Secret Model and honestly she should marry him just for that. Like thats compliment of the goddam century.

THE MATCHUP CEREMONY

Its the boys pick tonight. Please note that last time they blacked out harder than Tee does on any given weeknight.

Little Mike gets the ball rollin the wrong way and picks Kam.

Mikes like following our heart doesnt work. Hes like we should venture off, and though thats noble, maaaaaaybe not at the match ceremony. Thats like Michael Phelps being like LOOK FREESTYLE JUST DOESNT WORK right before the 4×100 relay.

Ozzy picks Hannah.

Oswaldo is up next and hes like “I GOTTA DO ME.” He picks Taylor.

Ryan asks Taylor how she feels about Tyler and shes like whos Tyler? Andre and her give each other looks and Im like OKAY YES IM HERE FOR THIS SHIT.

Ryans like Andre, do you wish you were with her and hes like Im practicing my patience. Whatever the fuck that means.

Oswaldo is like standing next to her like, lol just fuck me, right?

Andre picks Casandra.

Eddy picks Alicia and is like this is my homie.

KAM: I AM NOT WORRIED. ARE YOU WORRIED, BECAUSE I AM NOT WORRIED!!! *twitches*

Joey picks Rush boobs.

Derrick picks Gianna. Weird.

Tylers up and fucking moseys up to the front. Goddam hes like a walking Shakespeare playtragically beautiful.

Hes like Ryan, let me speak and Ryans like I didnt even say anything, but ok.

Tyler goes off about how he was painted as the villain and how he is innocent and how all this Taylor shit is fake news and the failing lamestream media is spreading false rumors!!! Sad!

Ryan asks Tyler who he likes more, Shannon or Taylor and Tyler picks Shannon.

RYAN: Do you think Tyler is your match? SHANNON: IDK RYAN: Is Taylor his match? SHANNON: IDK RYAN: Is the world round? SHANNON: IDK

Tylers talking about his breakup with Taylor and is like it sucks because you cant delete people in the real world. This is the first thing that I agree with him on. Dont worry Tyler, Ive watched . Well get to that point someday.

Michael picks KARI. Is it Carrie or KAAAAAARI? I have been saying KAAAAARI. Please DM some confirmation.

Hayden is next. Hayden tells the group that him and Gianna are affecting the game and they are going to stop screwing everyone over.

Gianna is like “WTF. WHO TOLD HIM HE COULD SPEAK? WHO LET HIM OUT OF HIS CAGE?” He picks Carolina. Hehe.

Jaylen and Tee are last. Tee is really bummed about Oswaldo and Ryan is like, “bitch its week four.”

These couples are random AF but idk Im drunk and just here to shit talk. Dont give that much of a fuck.

No blackout, so thats good. They get four beams again. Cant wait to hear them talk about it incessantly.

Read more: http://betches.co/2kojpty

from ‘Are You The One?’ Recap: Hi My Name Is Tyranny And Im An Alcoholic

[nbafunnymeme]

'Are You The One?' Recap: Hi My Name Is Tyranny And Im An Alcoholic

Hello everyone. I would like to thank my loyal followers for questioning my whereabouts on Twitter. I was actually on vacation, because Im not poor. Sorry, but watching these morons was just not a fucking option. I was zen AF and I dont need Carolinas crocodile tears ruining it, k thx.

ANYWAYS, so onto the episode. It was kind of eh, Im going to be honest. If youre looking for another reason to be annoyed by Giannas existence though, then it def delivered.

AFTER THE MATCH CEREMONY

They are all pumped about getting four beams. In fact, if you took a shot for every time someone said four fucking beams youd need to get stomach pumped four fucking times.

Tyranny is like Ossssssssssssssssvaldo is my match. Honestly can we just cut the accent though? Hes from Chicago for gods sake, not Italy.

Oswaldo is not so sure. Hes like she could be my match! Or she isnt! Yeah, thats pretty much how life works, actually.

Also, can we acknowledge the giant-ass drink Tee has the whole time? That cup is actually my favorite cast member this season.

Carolina and Hayden start having a pillow fight because FOUR FUCKING BEAMS, AMIRIGHT?

Now Carolina is very suddenly into Hayden. Carolinas emotions give me whiplash. Betsy DeVos nomination was more certain than this bitch.

Gianna is like “OH NO. NOT TODAY. I DID NOT LEAVE THE SOUTHSIDE FOR THIS.” Shes like I’M GOING TO CONTINUE TO PURSUE THIS MAN WHO TREATS ME SO WELL. Even though they are a confirmed no match. Makes total sense.

So you unfriend-zoned him to cock block him? Seems v fair. So when you go to sleep, do you leave Haydens balls under your pillow or on your nightstand? Let me know.

*Starts Twitter Poll* Is Gianna hot? Yes or No?

Tyler apologizes to Taylor and is like “I have no excuse for being the ‘big bad wolf’ in this.” So youre eating peoples grandmas now? Very Hannibal Lecter-chic. Not sure Tyler understands that hes referencing a fairytale, but hes pretty so well overlook it.

Hes like these girls are all over me wah, life is hard.

TAYLOR: Im mad *looks at Tylers beautiful face* but Im not like, thatttt mad

Hes like Im not that guy, you know that! Shes like,

TYLER: I want to dump Shannon and date you

EVERYONE AT HOME:

Gianna goes to have a talk with Hayden, which she announces for everyone to know. Shes from the Midwest, okay? Shes not used to this whole having brains thing, cut her some slack!

GIANNA: HEY CAMERA GUY IM GOING TO HAVE A TALK WITH HAYDEN ALSO GIANNA: were very low-key shhhh

Little Mike is like this is bullshit, they are not a match, they need to stop and its like SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK.

GIANNA: I dont want to stop you from doing something but stop fucking doing it. (Im not even making that up, thats an exact quote) HAYDEN: But I need to play the game GIANNA: Did I fucking stutter

So Hayden has relocated from friendzone island to being a little bitch island. Need a house warming gift, Hayden? Ill get you crowbar so you can pull your head out of your ass. Youre welcome.

Gianna and Hayden have sex, giving life to the newest Trump supporter Im sure. Carolina sees all of this and is like wtffffff. Shes like, totally in love with Hayden! Like, they spoke for a whole 10 minutes. Didnt that mean anything to him?

Andre is like “IF THEY FUCK THIS UP IM GOING TO BE PISSED” and Im like do it. Get mad. You wont. No balls.

Honestly, Gianna could probs take Andre in a fight. That girl should be a fuckin prison warden.

THE CHALLENGE

The challenge this week is for the dudes. The guys have to spin themselves and then go through an obstacle course. Then they have to shoot a basketball into the hoop of the girl they want to date. The person who shoots the third basketball in the hoop wins the date.

challenges sound like the hazing the gay frats do. Its all v weak.

The guys start the game and are falling all over the place. *plays Ed Sheeran*

Hayden is like, fuck it. Fuck this game. Idfc anymore, Im here for Gianna.

HAYDEN:I love Gianna

ME:

He decides to help Oswaldo win a date with Tee. See heres the thingI like Hayden, but I also think hes being very dumb. Its a hard spot for me rn. Really struggling.

Tee being proud of Oswaldo for winning is like Trump being proud of winning president. We all know he couldnt have won without Hayden/Russia.

Derrick and Joey are trying to win Rush Boobss date. Derrick wants to win because fuck Joey. Theyre shooting for legit five minutes. Seriously, Ive seen better shots from . When is the last time you played basketball? Third grade? Derricks like I played division I basketball! which sounds like an alternative fact to me.

Joey wins. So its Osvaldo/Tee and Joey/Rush Boobs.

Ryan tells them they are going to trapeze and Tee is like Im black, I shouldnt be in the air. How did you get to the Dominican Republic? Drive? Horseback? I didnt know your skin color made you less aerodynamic. I just saw and honestly, Im a fucking scientist now.

BACK AT THE HOUSE

Lets all agree that Tee is low-key alcoholic. Shes constantly sipping from that big-ass cup and it seems like they have a good connection. Could that be her match?

Eddie is talking to Alicia about how he is poor and shes like “LOL not me, cant relate to you peasant.” Eddie, you need to get your ass over to Kam where you fucking belong. Know your fucking place. Do not fuck this up for me, Eddie.

Tyler is trying to break up with Shannon and it is a train fucking wreck. Hes like I need to do the right thing and leave you. He actually stole the whole speech from Gabriella in .

REAL PICTURE OF TYLER:

Shannon is like “I feel dumb.” And she should, because she just got played. I feel bad for Shannon. Her voice makes me want to take a waltz off a bridge, but I do feel things, kind of.

Tylers like I didnt realize girls have feelings and get mad when you treat them poorly. Thats like saying I didnt know when you light shit on fire, it gets hot.

Meanwhile, Tee is very much trying to date rape Osvaldo. Its creepy tbh. If a guy was doing that to a girl on this show I would be dialing 911 by now. Tee, knock it off, it’s super gross.

They go to the boom boom room and literally boom boom because they break something. Oswaldo, way to not hold your ground.

Kam is oiling Eddie up and being goofy. I needed this.

Shes like I know Alicia and Eddy have a good friendship, Im not getting territorial, because this is a game show. I LOVE YOU KAM, I AM STARTING YOUR FAN CLUB. Shes so rational. Everyone be like her please.

THE DATE

Oswaldo is like this date will take our relationship to the next level, even though it already has gone to the next level. *wink, wink* I remember when I lost my virginity. We get it, you had sex.

They go to the trapeze place and Oswaldo is like Hopefully I dont break my neck. Thats a pretty reasonable goal.

They all are like surprisingly good at this. Even Tee, whose blackness surprisingly does not hinder her capabilities. Its a miracle.

Oswaldo and Tee are like being lovey-dovey because they fucked that one time. Hes like shes not trying to rape me and I like this side of her. I too am a big fan of the people who dont try and sexually assault me. Weird.

THE TRUTH BOOTH

Ryan comes in hot and asks about the no matches, aka Gianna and Hayden, still hooking up.

Giannas like HOW IS THIS OUR FAULT??? Uh, youre a confirmed no match and youre hooking up. I feel like Im taking crazy pills. Leave the dumb shit to Rush Boobs, please god.

The house is like, “ugh we hate you, lets just get this shit over with.” Thats how I felt with pledges in my sorority.

Tyranny and Oswaldo go to the truth booth because duh.

OSWALDO: Im excited to learn if were a match and really connect on a deeper level. TEE: Im tryna fuck.

Im stressed because Tee will def die of alcohol poisoning tonight if this doesnt work out. And what do you know, NO MATCH.

Tee was like I was falling in love with him. Shes crying. Hes crying. This is depressing. Did I accidentally sit on the remote and turn on ?

Oswaldo starts boxing while Andre is talking him down and all the guys hug him. Wow, I love the bromance. What I love more is that eventually one of them will try and fight another. #Drama

After everything, Tyler and Shannon are still hanging out. Whats Tylers favorite thing about Shannon? She isnt Taylor. Hes got high standards, ya know? #FourFuckingBeams

Taylor is like youre fucked up. And hes like why, because Im having a conversation?

Ugh Taylor, this paaaaains me to say, because I usually automatically side with the hot girl, but hes low-key right. You need to chill out and move on. Hes not worth it, dude. Hes just not.

Andre asks Taylor wtf shes doing with Tyler and Im like YAS KEEP THIS UP.

Andre is like actually, we like each other, Taylor. And shes like wait, yeah we do. WTF is this Jedi mind control shit Andre has.

ANDRE: *swinging coin back and forth* you are getting very sleepy.. and youre going to fuck me TAYLOR: *eyes glazed* yes, master

He says that she should be a Victorias Secret Model and honestly she should marry him just for that. Like thats compliment of the goddam century.

THE MATCHUP CEREMONY

Its the boys pick tonight. Please note that last time they blacked out harder than Tee does on any given weeknight.

Little Mike gets the ball rollin the wrong way and picks Kam.

Mikes like following our heart doesnt work. Hes like we should venture off, and though thats noble, maaaaaaybe not at the match ceremony. Thats like Michael Phelps being like LOOK FREESTYLE JUST DOESNT WORK right before the 4×100 relay.

Ozzy picks Hannah.

Oswaldo is up next and hes like “I GOTTA DO ME.” He picks Taylor.

Ryan asks Taylor how she feels about Tyler and shes like whos Tyler? Andre and her give each other looks and Im like OKAY YES IM HERE FOR THIS SHIT.

Ryans like Andre, do you wish you were with her and hes like Im practicing my patience. Whatever the fuck that means.

Oswaldo is like standing next to her like, lol just fuck me, right?

Andre picks Casandra.

Eddy picks Alicia and is like this is my homie.

KAM: I AM NOT WORRIED. ARE YOU WORRIED, BECAUSE I AM NOT WORRIED!!! *twitches*

Joey picks Rush boobs.

Derrick picks Gianna. Weird.

Tylers up and fucking moseys up to the front. Goddam hes like a walking Shakespeare playtragically beautiful.

Hes like Ryan, let me speak and Ryans like I didnt even say anything, but ok.

Tyler goes off about how he was painted as the villain and how he is innocent and how all this Taylor shit is fake news and the failing lamestream media is spreading false rumors!!! Sad!

Ryan asks Tyler who he likes more, Shannon or Taylor and Tyler picks Shannon.

RYAN: Do you think Tyler is your match? SHANNON: IDK RYAN: Is Taylor his match? SHANNON: IDK RYAN: Is the world round? SHANNON: IDK

Tylers talking about his breakup with Taylor and is like it sucks because you cant delete people in the real world. This is the first thing that I agree with him on. Dont worry Tyler, Ive watched . Well get to that point someday.

Michael picks KARI. Is it Carrie or KAAAAAARI? I have been saying KAAAAARI. Please DM some confirmation.

Hayden is next. Hayden tells the group that him and Gianna are affecting the game and they are going to stop screwing everyone over.

Gianna is like “WTF. WHO TOLD HIM HE COULD SPEAK? WHO LET HIM OUT OF HIS CAGE?” He picks Carolina. Hehe.

Jaylen and Tee are last. Tee is really bummed about Oswaldo and Ryan is like, “bitch its week four.”

These couples are random AF but idk Im drunk and just here to shit talk. Dont give that much of a fuck.

No blackout, so thats good. They get four beams again. Cant wait to hear them talk about it incessantly.

Read more: http://www.betches.com/are-you-the-one-season-5-episode-4-recap

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