#This is definitely the worst thing this far tho I am just too spiteful to quit or change my toon/name

[theglizzardwizard]

Just write allegorically and you'll feel better

[vaguely-concerned]

I’m on a Star Wars books roll so here we go with my — unhinged thanks for asking! — thoughts on Dooku: Jedi Lost, specifically the audio play. Short version: I fucking loved this one! For maximum emotional devastation, pair with Master and Apprentice and Padawan the way my stupid ass did and then be sad about it forever I guess that's what I’m going to have to do.

 Long (LONG oopsie) version:

- So. First of all, let’s get the most important thing out of the way on this here old man yaoi website. We all agree dooku and sifo dyas explored each other’s bodies right. Or at least definitely would have if not for the laws of this order etc., potentially. That’s not just me. Good. Thank you. We can now move on 

- Secondly. Well. Guess I’m just going to be inconsolable about Sifo-Dyas forever now. I miss the days in which he was just a throwaway line in AotC spawned by a random misspelling to me, rather than an eternal raw aching wound in my heart

- poor poor ventress just reading through all the proof that dooku absolutely does have it in him to be a good dad I mean master and just — idk got tired of that and went the force lightning route with her. I love the move of having her dead master hang out with her all that time as well (having her slip up and refer to ‘us’ did something to me, god this is so sad. Is he actually there in spirit or is it just her grief dreaming him up because dooku is awful and cold as a cliff  wall and she needs some kind of attachment figure even if she’ll have to reinvent him herself, rebuild him word for word, gesture by gesture. Pain. sorry about your terrible track record with father figures asajj) 

- Lene: (About Averross): He hasn’t changed. 

Dooku: (In the warmest fondest voice you ever heard) And I hope he never does

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH MYSELF? MUST I SET MYSELF ON FIRE TO ESCAPE THE PAIN???

Another strong showing for Rael in general, btw. He’s so warm and charming as a presence even though he’s also a little chaos gremlin. (He’s quite similar to how Sifo-Dyas was when he was young in some ways, I can definitely start to see what Dooku responds warmly to in terms of character traits.) 

- the fact that good ol’ sheev showed an interest in rael, dooku and anakin… interesting huh! He’s just got a soft spot for the disaster lineage I suppose, maybe there’s an element there of luring yoda’s most direct lineage into the dirt with him without yoda even noticing for the longest time. Also cackling at the idea that he looked at qui-gon ‘too fucking stubborn and insufferable to fall to the dark side out of sheer spite’ jinn and went ‘...not that one tho’ fhdskjfa. And obi-wan is more like ‘that one blorbo all my little guys seem wild about but I just don’t get it guys’ 

IF rael’s refusal to join dooku at the end of ‘master and apprentice’ is the last word (which I am not convinced of ;___; be safe cowboy jedi we never see in mainline canon so far), then he’s the only one who has dodged palpatine’s attentions. Wonderful if true love that for him

ALSO rael is one of the few people we know to be on (or at least to consider himself on despite what palps might think lol) first name basis with palpatine. Hilarious. I concur with dooku never change rael 

- Sifo-Dyas: That’s insane. 

Dooku, deadpan: Yes.

Sifo-Dyas: The worst plan I’ve ever heard.

Dooku, somehow even more deadpan: Most probably. 

Sifo-Dyas: I’m in. 

Crying… weeping and dying………… what if someone could have helped sifo with his unfortunate prophecy propensity and they hadn’t drifted apart. Clone Wars averted methinks if dooku still ended up leaving the order he would have been too busy having tender gay sex with the love of his life (and only person who can call him out on his shit and have him actually listen) to be a war criminal (I am being extremely facetious of course this is very much a ‘time traveler killing baby hitler’ situation where the underlying forces causing this point in history are way too powerful to avert the catastrophe in one move. but at least palps would probably have had to pick someone else to wreck the galaxy through and sifo-dyas would be kissed & held instead of going slowly mad. A net plus some (I, me) would say) 

- I just wanted to applaud both the writing and the voice acting for the characterization of Dooku in this, from his young self trying so hard to be haughty and self-possessed but also being like, y’know, twelve and a dweeb and easy for Sifo-Dyas to pull into trouble, to the dry wit and warmth he shows with Rael and Qui-Gon or his sister later. It took me a little while to get into the voice acting specifically (the actor makes no attempt at going the full Christopher Lee, which in hindsight was probably wise), but now I love it. It gets a bit goofy in places but you know what, I am a long time lover of audio plays, that’s part of the charm 

- “Master, have I done something wrong?”

My heart is clenching… do you think… that master yoda’s deal with leaving his student to try fucking everything to have some kind of relationship with him until he just breaks down in tears of despair… is the kind of thing that maybe started a little bit of a generational trauma cartwheel through the ages. The point that bb!dooku is arrogant isn’t without merit and he strikes out incredibly ungracefully about it (in fact I would be a lot more worried than yoda seems to be that he decides to try to kill a tree about it, ‘I felt like destroying something beautiful’-style)  but I just don’t think a… fourteen year old? A teen anyway, Is going to learn what you think he learns from this. I simply don’t believe that silent treatmenting kids will teach them emotional intelligence I guess especially if they already struggle with that naturally lol 

(It is exactly the same mistake (in my opinion) that Qui-Gon makes with Obi-Wan, too, just leaving the kid completely alone and forcing them to come to you every which way for comfort or guidance instead of meeting them or reaching out to them. Especially once you see that really Dooku’s prime emotion/big core wound right from the beginning is loneliness. And that doesn’t only come from a feeling of superiority (which to be sure is also a big factor), because he has no idea where he comes from until he meets his sister. I don’t think the jedi as a whole were unsalvageable by any stretch of the imagination, but Yoda specifically… you are on such very thin ice with me at this point you little green fuck. You’re very funny and moving in yoda dark rendezvous and that’s all that’s keeping you in my somewhat good graces.)

- Okay, coming back a bit later I think I’ve found the right words to say this. more precisely dooku has two big issues which you can later see haunting all the way down his lineage — loneliness and control. (and not incidentally the intersecting elements of the two haha.) We see from his relationship to sifo-dyas that he’s not incapable of having close mutual relationships with an equal, but that kind of crashed and burned for reasons neither of them could really help and after that it seems quite telling that he has the easiest time with deeper connection in a teacher-student sort of form. I think his affection is unconditional and real, but you can’t get away from the fact that he also has the most control in that relationship structure by default, he gets to dictate what form it takes to a big extent. He doesn’t trust other people — the underlying idea ‘Only I can do this’ that eventually leads him down the Separatist path is there the whole way. It speaks both to a sense of superiority and an utter lack of faith that other people can or will help him. And then that echoes down through the master-padawan line: 

Qui-Gon with his self-righteousness and utter refusal to compromise leaving him isolated among the jedi (only he is right. Yeah the Force told him so. Don’t worry I’ve got a permit *insert parks and rec I can do whatever I want meme here*), Obi-Wan with his anxiety and perfectionism and incredible sense of shame and responsibility that he should be able to carry the whole world on his shoulders alone and beating himself up for failing, all feeding into not knowing what to do with Anakin and his complete lack of control of himself and his desperation to gain and maintain connection and love (which earns him the title of ‘Dooku’s least favorite family member’ fhdsa his immediate disdain for him is so funny and so in character. Repress and go slowly mad like a normal person anakin the way you’re carrying on is just undignified and that is much worse than being evil)… 

- Rael gently telling Dooku to take on another padawan soon… so sweet, so sad, local cowboy jedi looking out for his dad. Also highlights something about Dooku I think is true: that he does much better and seems to have an easier time holding to the light when he’s responsible for someone else. Again, I do feel like Dooku’s core problem is loneliness, but it seems like raising kids is the one point where that relaxes somewhat. Maybe if Sifo-Dyas had stayed in a better mental place and they kept in touch it could have been different.

- Lene Kostana is SUCH a character! Charismatic and deeply fucked up, when it’s revealed how her and Sifo-Dyas’ relationship remains long after his padawan stage is done I felt a little bit sick, to my surprise. Because that could just be kindness on her part, of course, it’s good that he has someone he trusts to look after him when he can’t himself, but also there’s something… queasy about the way it keeps him continually young, in a way. (Notably he still calls her ‘master’ even as an adult, when they’re working together. Not uncommon in Star Wars, of course, but together with everything else going on vibes-wise… hm.) The inherent unreliable narration of this story really worked for me in this regard especially — do we know that young Dooku was entirely wrong when he sensed the dark side in her? She certainly is willing to go to lengths that are… worrying! in her fascination with sith shit, she tempted children into a dangerous place they didn’t understand and couldn’t know the consequences of and she continually puts sifo-dyas in situations that are implied to be a risk to worsening his condition. Run of the mill incredibly irresponsible at best, sincerely sinister at worst. Did she choose Sifo over Dooku because he’s more vulnerable and shapeable? There is an undercurrent of something icky and emotionally incest-y going on with how she relates to Dooku and Sifo-Dyas in general (right down to the ‘NO, no one can know about this’ intensity after the… evil moss cave. I can’t believe I’m this emotional about a book with an evil moss cave). I don’t think she’s a proper sith in any way and I also believe there is real affection there on all sides, but idk something about the whole thing makes me deeply uneasy. Yoda where the fuck are you your son is out there with his irresponsible mom again they’re looking for dirty needles in haystacks and they’re not even wearing any gloves

- dooku telling sifo-dyas he can come back to haunt him if he likes as a joke… well well well I’m sure that doesn’t ring with some dramatic irony at some point down the line lmao

- honestly looking back at master and apprentice after reading jedi lost makes qui-gon's apparent lack of reaction to dooku leaving seem — let's call it highly suspect haha. rael asks him if he's spoken to dooku after and qui-gon is like 'no. why would I. it's literally fine. anyway this topic is done now'. (and rael seems to just go ‘*older brotherly knowing* uh-huh’) meanwhile he's thinking about dooku *all the time* trying to figure out his role as master to obi-wan, thinking about being a padawan himself, the parts of his life he shared with both dooku and rael. The jedi doth protest too much methinks  

ALSO how much of qui-gon thinking the council was too lenient with rael after he had to kill his padawan is about that actual situation, and how much is a ‘our family still likes my older brother more than me even though he Fucked Up so bad and breaks just as many rules as I do’ sort of deal mixed with his own neuroses about how he’s failing obi-wan (to which rael’s situation symbolizes the worst possible outcome, i.e. the kid dies and it’s basically your fault). Many thoughts. 

- moment of silence for jenza of house serenno. Girl your only sin was being surrounded by asshole male family members and I’m so sorry I think you did all you could with what you had to work with here.

Not… entirely sure how dooku’s claim to the title supersedes hers — is he a year older than her? (she’s eleven when they first meet, he might be twelve or older at that point I don’t remember haha) Does she just give up her place in the inheritance order? Are primogeniture and male heir preference factors in Serenno inheritance law? Not the most important thing honestly it works anyway thematically but could have been clarified quickly!

- interesting to see that the council’s restrictive policy against engaging with prophecies had a surprisingly big impact on how things went down. Kostana has a lot of responsibility in Sifo’s fate for insisting he keep it secret, but there is genuine fear for what might become of him if the rest of the order finds out he’s got 24/7 futurevision hovering over him threateningly… listen it’s not like the poor guy can help getting the future constantly pumped into his brain at nightmare resolutions, I think maybe if there had been more willingness to at least engage curiously with the concept of prophecy and how it works, even if you don’t put your faith in the particulars of what the prophecies say, this wouldn’t have had to be such a shitty isolated secretive life for him. hearing him slowly fall apart over the years considering how bright and lovely he started out... oof is all I can say 

- when dooku was a good jedi he was such a good jedi!!! The scene where they’re saving the kids from the collapsing hospital, every time he teaches his students anything…the impulse of someone has to do something about this! that made him so good at saving lives turning dark with the tarnish of frustration and rage over the years… nooooooooo problematic grandpa why did it have to be like this :(

- …do you think infant jedi can sense what’s going on around them in the Force. Because it makes a very sad kind of sense if dooku on some level remembers bodily or in the Force that he was not only abandoned but rejected in disgust as one of the first things he discovered in the world. Oh boy. With all the ways attachment relationships can go wonky in the first few years in real life I don’t even want to consider how much more wrong it can go when the baby is fucking psychic lol

- vaguely related: the way dooku seems to find the very idea of being truly reliant on anyone, emotionally or otherwise, personally offensive, terrifying and humiliating lol. Yoda saves him from being crushed by rubble and he is outraged because that means he can’t save himself (and his newfound sister) without anyone’s help like he thought for one glorious moment he could. The fantasy of perfect emotional self-sufficiency, doing away with all the messiness and risk of interpersonal relationships and cutting off the possibility of really being abandoned again. It’ll get ya every time. This is also a thing you see reflected in his lineage — they’re all quite inward-turning that way until you get to anakin, to different extents and with varying presentations but it is there I think. Qui-Gon turns to the Force, Obi-Wan to perfectionism and shame and rumination, Rael to the bottle and depression and hedonistic apathy, but they all struggle hugely with letting anyone in to help them. Dooku’s line are all much more comfortable being the helpers rather than the helpees, as it were.  

- “Thank you for everything, Lene. Tell Rael and Qui-Gon — tell them… tell them the Force will be with them, always”

Emotional terrorism against me specifically and personally. You asshole you just excused yourself from the non-attachment rules there’s literally nothing in the world except you to stop you from reaching out and telling your children you love them yOURSELF why are you like this

- the recurring theme of dooku seeing something beautiful (the tree in the temple, the tirra’taka as a child and an adult) and ending up lashing out to destroy it… but the tree was old and mighty and he was young and new and couldn’t truly harm it, so he was saved from his own impulsivity. And then when he sees the tirra’taka as an adult he loves it immediately. And in the end he still mangles and destroys it. He didn’t mean to, but he did. He woke it up and hurt it just by existing as a child and then he had to kill it as a mercy because he was too powerful at that point for anything to buffer his mistakes. The parallel with the bird he loved that he also couldn’t protect. He starts out with an aching loneliness somewhere at the core of him through no real fault of his own but by the end it is entirely his own fault that it’s worse, because he starts wrecking everything he loves in an almost absent-minded but definitely intentional way, like it’s a nightmare he’s listening to through the door as it happens in the next room over. He really IS the ‘I just felt like destroying something beautiful’ central of the jedi.

at the end qui-gon is dead and through dooku’s own influence, however indirectly. Rael has had to turn away from him. Sifo-Dyas is dead on Dooku’s own orders and so is his sister, he might as well have done it with his own hands. (though I think it’s very interesting that in each case he didn’t do it with his own hands, he consistently uses a middleman.) He lives within the coldness of his sterile empty castle and horrifically mistreats the one person he might have found something like connection with the way he did with his students before (Ventress), deliberately trapping her in a similar state of utter desolate isolation and telling her, essentially, ‘We’re like this as people and nothing can be done to change it. We can’t escape, we’re already doomed, stop trying, it’s too late. You are just like me (and if you aren't already I'll make you like me)’. And that’s the closest thing he gets to love anymore. When he accused Ky of using her ‘as a salve for his own loneliness’ and you’re like well well well mr projection man how’s that working out for you. He is completely, shatteringly alone and he is so entirely as a consequence of his own actions and he's too far gone to understand or care. I’m howling you useless fucking FOOL dooku  

- dooku 🤝 john gaius

“Hm. I have observed that there are in fact many flaws in our society and the government is deeply corrupt. So if I kill a few billion people here and there in order to fix it, is that not basically okay when you really think about it” 

Dooku making salient points about the political and ethical failures of the Republic and then, just when you think he’s onto something, he goes and makes The wildest fucking decisions about what to do about it. Sure. dark magic and genocide are probably the only ways out of this you’re so right bro. If we make enough minuses to add together surely we’ll end up in plus sooner or later

- *head in my hands once more* I can’t believe I am genuinely emotionally invested in someone called Count Dooku with the looks of a knockoff dracula and ultimate moral character to match right now this is terrible. hey. hey dooks. what you have to go and fuck everything up so bad for huh I’m so incredibly sad now

there is something to be said about how getting to see glimpses of what dooku looked like in the light makes it so much more heartwrenching that he never came back. he could have, a thousand times. and every time he chose not to.

[youremyheaven]

Sun man dropping in for response #3

Q: "Hey Sun man, mind if I ask a question also? Are you single by any chance~ 👀? Jk jk that's not my actual question but hehe would love to know tho. Anyways my real question is this; Do you devote yourself to fulfilling a personal belief or ideal of yourself? For me as a sun dom woman, I feel like I'm pre-occupied with devoting myself to a belief and it doesn't leave much room for love. The ideal that I constantly strive for, is to be someone other people trust and can rely on. I always wanted to be a better person for myself and others. I think I would like to be a cherished person in my community, someone who brings value to others. Claire mentioned that sun dom women adhere to these moral guidelines, and fixate towards independence and self reliance. I am curious if sun dom men also share similar values and beliefs, or if it's just me."

A: Oh I definitely relate to what you’re describing. Sometimes it feels like, what ever happened to “be the change you want to see in the world”? Like is nobody living by that expression? But of course that expression is flawed when you take it too far and get a stick up your ass, even if what you're living up to is virtuous on the face of it. I have a big thing, not so much about being trustworthy in particular, but about sustainability and the idea that the things that define my life should be easily achievable by other people? Like I feel guilty if I succeed in spite of other people? If I’m being brutally honest it’s one of my worst flaws and has absolutely made it hard to, as you say, leave room for love. Because behavior like that is not conducive to like, forming camaraderie. And it's been easier to just be self-reliant than confront the blockage. Tbh I'm just waiting to get my health insurance approved so I can go to therapy and work on it lmao so I don't have any words of wisdom but I'm definitely in the same boat. It can be tough for the sun naks.

Yeah I’m single, I could start dating again I guess but I legit can’t even take a girl on a decent date right now without going broke 💀 so I should probably work on the financial situation first.

that's so interesting wow

I feel like many Jupiter people are the opposite. For them its about doing the impossible because they believe they have qualities it takes to succeed in ways others cant. I think Martians also have a similar drive and ambition. I think for Saturnians its about working your way to the top (I'm mentioning all the Yang planets basically). I'm intrigued about Sun dominance all the more now 🤔

[equalseleventhirds]

i said i wouldn't write it but i did

vaguely a sequel to this, but far in the future and focused on jon (annabelle features briefly tho. she's fine. annabelle will always be fine in my fics.) with ofc the presupposition that they've failed in one world but kept trying, bcos i think that would be fun*!

*(by which i mean heartbreaking, i'm so sorry)

There are rules, to the traveling, or at least there seem to be. There are certainly questions to be asked and points to be made, about how many instances count as a definitive rule rather than simply a pattern. But Jon likes to think of them as rules. He's always preferred concrete answers, even if it turns out they're less the truth and more just a convenient way of conceptualizing things.

So he has rules.

First: the Fears always come through on the same day. October 18, 2018. Or, given the impact history has on calendars, the equivalent of it; he'd once spent months trying to correlate the forty-third moon of cycle 1852 with his calendar just to prove his point, but the math had all worked out.

(Which does indicate, at least to Jon, that yes, the Fears probably did originate in his home world, Georgie. He'll take his petty wins where he can get them. For as long as he can remember the discussion, and the people, he's proving wrong.)

Second, it is still his tapes that the Fears follow. For every apocalypse there has been a new catalyst, but none of these new rituals supersede his. Maybe it's a testament to the strength of the Web's original plan, or maybe it's just something about Jon himself. He knows what he thinks, but... well, there isn't enough proof just yet.

Third, in spite of endless attempts to trap them and stop them, Jon is always able to travel with the Fears. Perhaps they simply can't stop him, as the original antichrist he apparently is; dozens of apocalypses in dozens of different universes, and Jon can always feel his rightful place as ruler of that terrible fearscape calling to him. He hasn't taken it yet, but it's there, and the Eye cannot abandon its true pupil without his permission.

Or perhaps they simply don't care. Every attempt so far has led to the exact same result, after all: another world left behind, another death by starvation averted, another new feast for the Fears to sink their teeth into.

Fourth, he always passes out upon entering a new world.

It's kind of annoying.

---

It is slightly unusual for him to wake up warm, comfortable, and covered in a blanket, but Jon's not about to complain. It's nice. He doesn't get a lot of comfort, and he likes sleeping in a bed, especially since he's always eldritch-nightmare-free in a new world. For a limited time only, of course.

He's fairly certain he's inside; aside from the softness underneath and around him, the air is still and temperate, the light through his eyelids is artificial, and all he can hear is the faint whirring of appliances and the whispers of two muted voices.

"—complete stranger, definitely dangerous, looks like he's from hell—"

"Okay, fine, but I wasn't going to leave him, and anyway haven't you noticed he's a bit—"

"A bit what? Scarred? Bloodstained? Glowing eyes, because I don't think I need to remind you, Martin, his eyes were absolutely glowing when you found him—"

Martin. Now there's a name. Not an uncommon one, but... he thinks he knows that voice.

Or. Well. He might know both of those voices, actually, which is even more interesting than waking up in a bed.

Jon opens his eyes.

He's met himself before, is the thing. Not in every world, and not always particularly recognizable, but he's met himself. He's met versions of Martin, too, and eventually stopped going completely useless with heartbreak every time. The merest handful of times, he's found both of them in the same world, sometimes something almost like friends, but usually not.

The fact that they have their arms around each other, casual, comfortable, close, is both entirely unexpected and perfectly, wonderfully, terribly familiar. Jon briefly considers crying about it, but there are more important things to be doing. For example.

"The glowing eyes aren't actually that sinister. I mean, they are, but not for the reasons you're probably thinking."

Jon—the other Jon—jumps at the sound of his voice, then leans forward. Curiosity, of course; that hardly ever seems to change. "You—the glowing—who are you?"

"Jon," this new version of Martin scolds, and for just a moment he's back home, with his Martin, with that exasperated tone—but no, this isn't his Martin, and he's also leaning forward now, his voice turning gentle. Concerned. Coaxing, like he's a spooked animal, and Jon doesn't think his Martin has ever talked to him that way. "How are you feeling? We found you unconscious in the street."

He can feel Martin's curiosity too, pushing forward under his concern, just as questioning as Jon but too polite to outright say it yet. He has to cut this off, or he really will cry.

"Mm... no," he says. "Well, yes. But also." Good lord, he's confusing them. Par for the course, but he should probably try to be somewhat comprehensible.

He holds up a hand, extending one finger. "I am... fine. More or less. Trust me, I'm used to this, and this isn't even the worst way it's happened." Another finger joins the first. "My name, as I believe Martin has guessed but then dismissed, is Jonathan Sims. I am not you from the future, nor am I lying, nor am I crazy, because—" a third finger "—interdimensional travel is not only possible, it has happened, is happening, because of and along with terrible monstrosities I am determined to stop, and I have explained this too many times to too many people to have much patience for anyone being shocked and disbelieving, much less a version of myself doing so, so you can either get over it and move on or I can go elsewhere and do something useful."

"Excuse—"

"And," he continues, pushing himself up so he can sit and lean forward even more intensely than his counterpart, "I would actually rather not do that just yet, because I have an extremely pressing question for the two of you."

"Um," Martin says, and "What," says the other Jon.

"How," Jon asks, deepening his voice to exude solemn, ominous, and eldritchly important, "did you two start dating?"

---

It was so... normal. Apparently. Two people, mutual friends, a chance encounter. A prickly exterior ("He hated me," both of them had claimed), but without the insecurity of being Head Archivist and the fear of dread powers beyond his comprehension, their friends had helped him open up and—eventually—apologise. A budding friendship, and then a romance, and then...

It isn't a version of them Jon has seen anywhere else, in any of the worlds he's traveled to. Normal as it is, it's a highly improbably scenario, and certainly not the same as his relationship with his Martin had been. But it was, in an infinite number of worlds, still a possibility.

Jon isn't quite sure how he feels about that, knowing that some version of them could have fallen in love without the trauma, but that they hadn't managed it.

His hands aren't shaking, as he lights his cigarette. At least there's that.

"I quit, you know," his counterpart says from behind him. "Years ago. I'd forgotten about those until you asked."

"Well then, thank you for indulging me." He gestures, meaning the cigarette, meaning the bed, meaning his claims about reality, meaning his intrusive, gossipy questioning. Meaning everything. He's not sure it gets across.

The other Jon laughs, quietly, and moves to stand next to him. "I am my worst enabler."

"Oh, that's hardly true."

"Mm." They're silent together for a while, but Jon is restless (both of him), and eventually this reality's version opens his mouth to ask. "Do you—do you know why I—I don't want to say believed you, I'm still not sure I do, b-but, didn't throw you out immediately?"

"My myriad charms?" They both laugh at that.

"Jonathan Sims," he says, as if that explains anything.

Jon takes a drag of his cigarette, considering. He could probably Know, but... indulging himself. "What about me?"

"No, not you, or. You know. You. But your name. Jonathan Sims. I decided you weren't, weren't a deliberate lie to trick me, or a future version of myself, or a mind-reading monster—"

"Well—"

"—when you said your name, because none of those things would have said that." He smiles then and holds up a hand, and—oh—his ring glints. "I've been Jonathan Blackwood for a while now."

They'd told him married eventually, but he hadn't even thought about his name. He's certainly thinking about it now. "Jonathan Blackwood," he says, soft, to himself. And to himself. "That... that sounds good."

"It does, doesn't it."

Whatever they might have said next is lost as an incredibly loud engine roars nearby and a sleek black motorcycle pulls up in front of them. Jon sighs and takes one last drag of his cigarette as the rider removes her helmet.

"Been off finding yourself, then, Jon?" Annabelle asks.

"Oh, extremely funny, yes. Did you steal that?"

"It was a gift."

"Of course it was."

The other Jon is staring at them both, his eyes repeatedly drifting back to the web-covered hole in Annabelle's head. "Who—what is—is that a—"

"She's a spider monster," Jon supplies helpfully. "She came with me, although apparently she did not pass out in the street this time."

"Two streets over, I think. Pity, I would've loved a nice nap in a proper bed, but I did get this motorcycle out of it. Come on, Jon, you can mope on the way."

"I have not been moping—"

"Haven't you? You're not the one who deals with how maudlin you get every time you meet yourself—"

"Yes, fine, thank you, we can go." He stubs out the cigarette and pauses, looking at himself. "Uh. Tell Martin—well, goodbye, I guess. I'd say I hope we meet again, but if you're lucky we won't need to?"

"...sure."

"And I'm—I hope you—that is, I'll do my best—well." He sighs. "Things are about to get... dicey, for the world in general. But just, look out for each other, and we'll try to handle the rest."

"Jon, we should be going."

"Yes, all right, all right." He gives himself one last, probably not very reassuring smile, and climbs on behind Annabelle.

They do have work to do, after all.

[watchyourbluesturngolden]

songs that make me think of vampy and why

this is for drea and leyla ONLY thank u

daylight- taylor swift "i don't wanna look at anything else now that I saw you, i don't wanna think of anything else now that i thought of you" bc vampy loves her so much he only wants her 😔 midnight love- girl in red "I know I'm the last one you try to call but I always give in to give you it all" "your silver is my gold" bc miss chiropractor treated him terribly but he loved her with everything and would have gone back to her no matter what watch you sleep- girl in red this one is obvious: bc vampy watches bloodbag sleep :) also "the scar on your spine, you fell off a roof when you were nine" is all appreciating the tiny details about someone and that is definitely something vampy would do :( paper rings: taylor swift "i hate accidents except when we went from friends to this" line without a hook- ricky montgomery "oh baby i am a wreck when i'm without you" bc vampy loves bloodbag so much he just wants to be with her always 😔 dead girl in the pool- girl in red this one is kinda weird but i feel like bloodbag is gonna die at some point and then vampy will just be like "theres a dead girl in the pool (or wherever her corpse is laying slfjskldfjkldsj) i don't know what to do" and then he's gonna make this face

bad habits- ed sheeran bc he was just slutting around before he met bloodbag demons- imagine dragons dont make fun of me for this I KNOW but fr it's vampy renegade- taylor swift "you wouldn't be the first renegade to need somebody" he needs bloodbag 😔 starting line- luke hemmings i can't really explain this one but it's like how you always talk about how his happiness is overshadowed by the fact that he's a monster or whatever million dollar bills - lorde "theres nothing i want but money and time" and vampy has literally all the money and time :) solar power- lorde this is harrys hot girl anthem idk happiness- taylor swift "there'll be happiness after you, but there was happiness because of you" this is him reminiscing on miss chiropractor i wanna get better-bleachers "i didn't know i was lonely til i saw your face" "I didn't know i was broken til i wanted to change" come on 😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔 good 4 u - olivia rodrigo this is his fuck u song for miss chiropractor my tears ricochet- taylor swift "if i'm dead to you why are you at the wake" it's ironic innit 😌 what a feeling- one direction "what a feeling to be right here beside you now, holding you in my arms" please 😔 "everybody needs someone around" 😔😔😔 "but i can't hold you too close now" bc he has severe attachment and commitment issues :) all you had to do was stay- taylor swift "had me in the palm of your hand, then, why'd you have to go and lock me out when i let you in" omg miss chiropractor really hurt him 😔 king of my heart- taylor swift "and all at once you are the one i have been waiting for" bloodbag @ vampy 😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔 cruel summer- taylor swift "I love you ain't that the worst thing you ever heard" bc he knows getting close to bloodbag will ultimately only lead to pain for everyone involved "i don't wanna keep secrets just to keep you" bc he can't tell bloodbag everything about him even tho he probably wants to :( thank u next- arianna grande this is weird BUT if miss chiropractor hadn't fucked him up so much he never would have met bloodbag tear in my heart- 21 pilots again don't make fun of me for this I HAVE AN EXPLANATION "you fell asleep in my car i drove the whole time but that's okay i'll just avoid the holes so you sleep fine" if bloodbag fell asleep in his car he would definitely do this :( shape of you-ed sheeran "now my bedsheets smell like you" his room probably smells like honey and lavender all the time now and he's probably foaming at the mouth constantly cowboy in LA "let's skip the club, lets skip the crowd, i wanna take you on a date" bc they both hate clubs!!!!! "I'll hold your hand I'll hold the door bc that's how i was raised" he's a gentleman 😔😔😔😔 & burn- billie eilish "i'll sit and watch your car burn with the fire that you started in me, but you never came back to ask it out" idk for some reason this has vampy and miss chiropractor vibes take me to church- hozier religious trauma babes 🕺🏼🕺🏼🕺🏼🕺🏼🕺🏼🕺🏼🕺🏼 speechless- dan+shay "i'm speechless, staring at you standing there in that dress" love 😔 yours- russel dickerson "i came to life when i first kissed you, the best me has his arms around you, you make me better than i was before, thank god i'm yours" SCREAMING AND CRYING AND SHAKING tolerate it- taylor swift "i know my love should be celebrated, but you tolerate it" MISS ******** DIDN"T APPRECIATE OR CELEBRATE HIS LOVE MIA- anarbor "thinking about my life and everything i did wrong along the way"😔 lay low- josh turner for when bloodbag and vampy go to a cabin in the woods for a week and just love each other 😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔 who can save me now- anarbor "you stabbed me in the back" this one is pretty literal LSKFJLKSJFLKDSJ "you could have at least been kind enough to let me turn around" ouch 😔 dopamine- anarbor "i'm hooked on your dopamine" vampy and bloodbag ugh lie to me- 5sos this give me vampy and ******** vibes "i wish we never met, cause you're too hard to forget" "while i'm cleaning up your mess i know he's taking

off your dress" bc she probably cheated on him while they were together 😔 and he would have stayed with her if she told him she loved him, even if he knew it was a lie 😔 cotton candy- yungblud it's just a happy song with good vibes like bloodbag and vampy currently have :) small talk- niall horan i don't even have to say anything here pillowtalk- zayn "so we'll piss off the neighbors" chappy 9 vibes dancing with our hands tied- taylor swift "i loved you in spite of deep fears that the world would divide us" vampy rn 😔 once in a lifetime- one direction vampy will live a million lifetimes but he will only ever have one bloodbag 😔 holy ground- taylor swift "tonight i'm gonna dance for all that we've been through but I don't wanna dance if i'm not dancing with you" they've come so far omg 😔 since we're alone- niall horan "you can show me your heart, if you put it all in my hands no i swear no i won't break it apart" crying if i could fly- one direction "for your eyes only i'll show you my heart" rollercoaster- bleachers again i can't explain it but it makes me think of him 😔 so long- niall horan "so if we knew all along why did it take so long" good question bestie current location- LANY "i need your current location to be my current location" they're idiots in love and want to be together all the time 😔 why dont we go there- one direction "hey i don't want you to be the one that got away i wanna get addicted to you you're rushing through my mind i wanna feel the high i wanna be addicted" well hes already addicted to her blood so might as well like you lots- LANY bc they both have issues and can't say love lmao too much to ask- niall horan vampy though wanting love was too much to ask of miss chiropractor 😔 walking in the wind- one direction this one just has his vibes man 😔 heartbeat- carrie underwood "dancing to the rhythm of your heartbeat" bc vampy is obsessed with listening to bloodbag's heart (fan behavior if you ask me) idfc- blackbear this is vampy and ******** bc "tell me that you love me even if it's fake" city of angels- 24kgoldn "i sold my soul to the devil for designer" yes this made me laugh the woods- olivver the kid "waking up in the middle of the woods" "don't you wanna get out of here, out of the woods" flashback to when he was dead in the woods oop "you brought me down to the river, and you pushed me in, hoping that the white rapids would challenge my ability to swim" bc... she's a murderer omg this verse is talking about leaves and i'm freaking out it fits 100% this is crazy "You pick up two handfuls You tell me they're all dried up & dead You know that's nothing like us We'll live forever instead" just a little bit of your heart- ariana grande vampy bc he loves so deeply and completely that he will give all of himself to someone even if they won't do the same my strange addiction- billie eilish bc he is addicted to her blood :) cross your mind- niall horan this is vampy and ******** "love the way you hurt me and it doesn't even cross your mind" "leaving me in pieces (literally lmao) but i swear it's worth it every time" everywhere- niall horan that scene where vampy smelled some perfume or soap or something and it made him think of bloodbag 😔 everything makes him think of her now 😔 "swear it's hard to think it's hard to breathe when you're in the air" put a little love on me- niall horan "you're the only one i need" 😔 bend the rules- niall horan VAMPY AND ******** ALL THE WAY "i'm not saying that you're lying but you're leaving out the truth" heartbreak weather- niall horan "all of my life i've been sleepwalk living, running around the same bars i've been in, it can be so lonely in this city, but it feels different when you're with me" bloodbag and vampy 😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔 mr loverman- ricky montgomery "i miss my lover man" vampy is probably dramatic like this all the time now that they're official 😔 bad blood- taylor swift again, just for the irony 😌 vapor- 5sos "i want to breathe you in like a vapor i want to be the one you remember i want to feel

your love like the weather all over me" they're so in love like this 😔 catch fire- 5sos "all my life i've been waiting for moments to come" he's been waiting for bloodbag his entire life 😔 beside you-5sos "i wish i was beside you" they want to be together all the time 😔 black and white- niall horan "that first night i was standing at your door fumbling for your keys then i kissed you" ARE YOU KIDDING ME not in the same way- 5sos this is vampy and ******** just bc they were so toxic lkfjskldfjsdlkjf lonely heart-5sos "and i haven't slept in days" lmao ghost of you-5sos "my feet dont dance like they did with you" thinking about when vampy danced for bloodbag and what if they break up 👁️👁️ why wont you love me- 5sos vampy at ******** 😔 he just wanted to be loved 😔😔😔😔😔 fool's gold- one direction "i let you use me from the day that we first met" "i know your love's not real, but that's not the way it feels" STOP IM SAD last first kiss- one direction "let me be your last first kiss" i want them to be together forever 😔 truly madly deeply- one direction "foolishly completely falling and somehow you kicked all my walls in" bloodbag really snuck into his heart huh 😔 fireproof -one direction "nobody saves me baby the way you do" ugh 😔 long story short-taylor swift "clung to the nearest lips long story short it was the wrong guy" (or in vampy's case the wrong vampire) gold rush-taylor swift "and the coastal town we run around has never seen a love as pure as it" bloodbag and vampy are all i want 😔 no judgement- niall horan bc vampy would never judge bloodbag 😔 daddy issues- the neighborhood again im not even gonna say anything here new angel- niall horan "the touch of someone else to save me from myself" this is vampy 😔 god is a woman- ariana grande vampy after he brought bloodbag home the first time something like this- the chainsmokers "just something i can turn to, somebody i can kiss" ALL VAMPY WANTS IS LOVE sweater weather- the neighborhood idk this song makes me think of him all of me- john legend "all of me loves all of you all your curves and all your edges all your perfect imperfections" KSFLKSDJFKLDJSFLJSDKLFJDSKL i like me better- lauv "i like me better when i'm with you" she makes him a better person 😔 sex- eden "oh no, i think i'm catching feelings" vampy when bloodbag went on a date with someone else half a heart- one direction bc bloodbag completes him 😔 theyre so disgusting 😔 only angel- harry styles "turns out she's a devil in between the sheets" woman- harry styles vampy when she was on a date with someone else bc hes a jealous moron temporary fix- one direction this has chappy 1-2 vibes a.m.-one direction when they first started falling in love and he wanted to be with her more often 😔 something great- one direction "i want you here with me like how i pictured it so i don't have to keep imagining" through the dark- one direction just all of this song 😔 happily- one direction "you know i wanna be the one who holds you when you sleep i just want it to be you and i forever" 😔 electric love- borns "i can't let you go now that i got it" canyon moon- harry styles they're just happy like this rn 😔 sunflower vol. 6- harry styles "kiss in the kitchen like it's a dancefloor" "mouth full of toothpaste" when they brushed their teeth together 😔 adore you- harry styles obviously

[lunarreaper12]

First in regards to my last ask: what lil things does killer to make nightys day better? I'm very curious~ Also is nightmare not able to use glitter? (Was it called glitter? I think so...)

Second: soo i wonder... Is killers room close to nightys? (Would probably make sense but who knows the palace is surely big...) And did killer ever fell -accidentely(?)- fell asleep in nightys room? How did they both handled the Situation and reacted to it? Any soft moments at all? 6w6

Also will killer watch nighty at night sometimes too (not the creepy way)? I mean is he sometimes worried about nighty and his safety when killer himself is not exactly on duty (i sure am) ? I would assume there are guards or Barrieres maybe to protect the Kings at sleeping times (i hope at least, tho other guards could also pose a threat ...?), as that wouldn't pose a Problem to dream much i think as he is much loved, it could be rather a dangerous time for nighty... ? Cuz he isn't treated or respected as a king as preciously as dream ... Rather they want him gone.

Which brings me to my next question... Are the other guards and Palace stuff taking their job seriously when serving or protecting nightmare cuz he is not really being fancied by others? (My theory on why the tea and coffee tasted Bad to nm could be maybe cuz they were kinda doing it on purpose or just not caring if it would be to his liking at all... U know, to spite him. But who know..not me.)

Also was nightmare ever attempted to be assasinated at all since the kinda truce with his brother? Probably but idk. If yes.. How did killer prevented it and/or dealt with them? Or how was it handled at all to make sure nighty is safe?

Is not me or do the asks get longer? XD oops.

Oh you have stumbled upon some of my favorite bits of Lore~!

*Rubs hands together* Let’s get this started!

What little thing does Killer do to make Nightmare’s day better? 

Killer des various things depending on what Nightmare is doing at the time! Like what was written in “Take a break”, Killer may bring Nightmare treats and tea throughout the day if he’s working primarily in his office. Nightmare likes the quiet while he’s working, so Killer is actually much less talkative when he thinks Nightmare needs the silence.

If Killer sees that Nightmare is having a bad day, he’ll scatter some of Nightmare’s favorite things around where Nightmare will find them. Favorite flowers, little puzzles, (Nightmare likes playing with puzzles when he’s bored), at one point Killer left a plush toy in Nightmares office. The toy disappeared, and last Killer saw it, it was tucked under Nightmare’s arm when he accidentally walked in on the King sleeping. Killer isn’t certain where the toy goes to during the day, and he hasn’t caught Nightmare asleep since then.

Killer also has left notes around. Little encouragements, jokes, or even poems he thought Nightmare would like. Nightmare hides these where no one will find them, just like the plushy.

After Killer was allowed to spend time in Nightmare’s room, he started checking what books Nightmare seemed to like, and would go out to find new books he thinks Nightmare hasn’t read when he was able to! (He usually just puts them where Nightmare will find them, rather than just giving them to him).

Can Nightmare use glamours?

Yes! Nightmare and Dream actually have much of the same abilities, and using glamours is one of the ones they share! Using a glamour is just not something Nightmare prefers to do unless it’s necessary. He could of course use this if he wanted to walk around without people staring, but he hates the idea that he needs to hide himself to have a normal walk around his kingdom.

He’d rather deal with people staring at him than hide from his own subjects.

Is Killer’s room close to Nightmare’s, and has he ever fallen asleep in Nightmare’s room?

Killer’s room is close to Nightmare’s in case of emergencies! The same goes for Cross and Dream. As for whether Killer has fallen asleep in his room? Well, sometimes the Guard works a bit too hard and accidents happen... Plus, when you have the Moon King reading to you in that low voice of his... Well, anyone’s bound to fall asleep to that!

Nightmare didn’t notice Killer had fallen asleep right away, and when he did? Well... Looks like I have another writing prompt don’t I? (I’m such a meanie >w< I can definitely write this one out real soon though! I know exactly what would happen >w<)

Does Killer get worried about Nightmare at night while they’re sleeping?

Oh boy, absolutely. At first he wasn’t super concerned about it, but... well... Something may have happened one night and Killer nearly never slept afterwards, for fear of something similar happening again. I’m trying to be a bit vague because this is actually a big spoiler, specifically relating to Killer’s actual design. When I finish Killer’s design, I’ll write about it in the same post! I’m being very vague on these answers this time around, aren’t I? XD Sorry!

Moving on though~

Do the other guards of the castle take their jobs seriously when it comes to Nightmare?

Hm... well, yes and no? You see, the Captain of the Guardsmen is actually rather familiar with both of the Kings! As such, he does take care to assign the best guards to the castle. There’s always outliers though, and while yes the Guardsmen would prioritize Dream over Nightmare in an emergency, I wouldn’t say they’re the worst guards in the world. 

That being said, You’d be right in assuming their security is a bit lax when it comes to Nightmare’s safety. This also ties in to the previous answer in regards to something having happened one night... and well, the Captain wasn’t happy to hear about the Guardsmen he’d assigned’s poor performance.

The guards may not like Nightmare, and may even want him gone, but the vast majority of them would never disobey the Captain or the Kings, regardless of their personal beliefs. The Captain has a high standard for his men, and wouldn’t trust just anyone to guard the Kings. I would say something really messed up would have to happen for the guards to actively turn on Nightmare against Dream and the Captain’s wishes.

I do like your theory by the way! And I would say it’s partially correct! The servants definitely don’t take as much care in preparing things for him as they do for Dream. There was probably the rare scattered events where the servant’s actively made something taste bad when preparing it for Nightmare, but most of the time it’s simply a lack of care. 

Has Nightmare ever had an assassination attempt on him since the truce?

Unfortunately, Yes. Several. These assassination attempts were mostly made before Killer was assigned as Nightmare’s Guard actually. Nightmare is still powerful and skilled in his own right, and with the assistance of a few castle guards the attempts were cut short. Nightmare never let Dream know of these incidents though, as he didn’t want his brother to try and get involved. Nightmare was mostly concerned about Dream ordering an entire group of guards to follow him around. Dream had already been insisting on a Royal Guard just to improve his image, imagine how much of an overreaction he would have to knowing his younger brother was actively being targeted by assassins!

After Killer was assigned to Nightmare, the assassination attempts died down for a short time. At least, so Nightmare had thought. The reality is, is that Killer is far better at his job than Nightmare thought he would be... And even if Killer didn’t much care for the job in the beginning, he wasn’t going to waste an opportunity to have a bit of “fun”. It’s not like Nightmare needed to know.

And that’s all I’ll say on that before I end up spoiling something >w<

[comicteaparty]

May 23rd, 2019 CTP Archive

The archive for the Comic Tea Party chat that occurred on May 23rd, 2019, from 5PM - 7PM PDT.  The chat focused on Maiden of the Machine by Caitlin Like.

Featured Comment:

Chat:

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- THURSDAY BOOK CLUB START!

Good evening, everyone~! Our final Thursday Book Club is officially beginning! Today we are discussing Maiden of the Machine by Caitlin Like~! (https://maidenmachine.com/)

Remember that Thursday discussions are completely freeform! However, every 30 minutes I will drop in OPTIONAL discussion questions in case you’d like a bit of a prompt. If you miss out on one of these prompts, you can find them pinned for the chat’s duration. Additionally, remember that while constructive criticism is allowed, our focus is fun and respectfully appreciating the comic. All that said, let’s begin!

QUESTION 1. What is your favorite scene in the comic so far and why?

i think my favorite scene so far is when elizabeth and victor decide to sleep together. part in for its serious drama. theres so many questions about victor created from just the visuals, and then theres the stakes at hand of elizabeth's reputation. but then, there is also a good balance of comic relief to a degree since victor told her to ask no questions and she asks the one question that he probably didnt see coming. all around it was a pretty satisfactor culmination of their relationship so far at a juncture that felt natural.

another scene i really enjoyed was the ball scene where victor and eric are having a chat about elizabeth and then elizabeth and victor have a passionate liason. im mostly a fan cause of the dramatic convo. cause theres a deep and terrible sense that both characters truly know what their risking, what the situation is, and how they still are into each other. plus, its all very tense cause it just takes one person being in the wrong place at the wrong time to blow their cover.

honestly i think itd be accurate to say all my favorite scenes are with elizabeth and victor. romance is one of those genres i can struggle with, because theres always something missing. but oh man do i love the romance in this comic. there is nothing more i want than to see then elizabeth and victor finding a way to be together in spite society trying to kick that down at every turn.

i will give a special shout out to the scene where eric, abhaya, milo, and the cousin are meeting to discuss the affairs of the estate. i just like it because it basically shows all the characters' worst sides. abhaya is brash and reckless, milo is just kind of there, and eric is a greedy mofo. and whats worse is literally none of them thought to bring elizabeth. they may have their excuses of protecting her...but part of me still thinks thats a super dick move and shows even abhaya just kind of views elizabeth more as a pawn than a person. but all in all, nothing like money and estates to show off everyone's worst traits. it is very true to life, and i can respect that.

another non-victor/elizabeth scene i respect is the scene where elizabeth is out dress shopping and eric is like here i got you these dresses. just cause i knew eric was kind of a creep, but ho boy, he dialed the creep up to number 11 on a 10 meter scale. but at the same time, i think that really helped to erase all sympathy i might have had for him. thus paving the way for me to not really feel guilty on elizabeth's behalf for her trespasses against him.

mathtans

Hello, I made it... unfortunately this is a rather bad week, I only made it through the first two chapters.

RebelVampire

i also like scenes with west in them. cause I like that between all the people around Victor, West seems the most honest in a scoundrel sort of way. Which that is basically what I like about him in every scene. He causes trouble and pushes the limits, but at the same time hes always at least pretty upfront about his intentions.

thats unfortunate cause its a great comic, but glad to see you anyway math!

mathtans

Which kind of sucks, I like the whole concept of the kick ass ladies. Even the pirates.

Maybe I'll find time to read more in the background.

The bit I liked most of what I read I think was back in the first chapter, when Elizabeth makes the callback to when she got out of the ropes at the very start of the story. It was a nice subtle detail which I found very clever.

I'm not at your bits yet but I can see how the Elizabeth/Victor thing is being set up. Also there seems to be some question of whether Abhaya likes him... or possibly other ladies? I may be reading my own interests into that.

RebelVampire

you may be reading your own interests but later on there is a female character i ship abhaya with atm

so there is that

i dont think youve met her yet tho

mathtans

Also, yeah, the whole estate thing creates an interesting dynamic. That was a clever way of using the period to generate conflicts.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 2. A large focus of the comic is on Elizabeth and Victor’s relationship. At the end of the day, do you think the two will find a way to be together? If so, how will they get over the scandal Elizabeth would face and the fact those around Victor want him to marry a titled woman? If you don’t believe they’ll find a way to stay together, what will stop them? Further, given the most recent events, how will Eric Wollstonecraft play a role in the future of their love story? How does the narration framing seen where Elizabeth is addressing her potential son affect your opinion? How do you think that future came about, and how soon will it come to pass? Last, what do you think of their relationship in terms of Elizabeth wanting to make her own choices in life?

mathtans

I ship Abhaya with everyone.

RebelVampire

yeah i have to say if theres one thing i appreciate its combination of progressive themes while at the same time acknowledging that the period was not the friendliest towards these things

especially in regards to how elizabeth is treated since her only purpose apparently to everyone is to get hitched to a titled guy

and i mean

thats depressing

yet also true to the period

even though we get to see elizabeth take a journey and reject those social conventions

in regards to the current question, i am choosing not to think about whether in the long term elizabeth and victor will get together for the rest of their lives. because if they dont i will cry but i could see this realistically being the case given the tone of the narration. cause that...does not sound like an elizabeth who lives in eternal happiness.

mathtans

Back, sorry. Yeah, I'm usually not much of one for period pieces, but I like the narrative viewpoint. Also, pretty neat airships.

There was the point where she talked about leaving Victor behind back in Chapter 1 (I don't recall the exact circumstances) but I wondered if it was because he causes her heartache, or just because it make their lives more complicated.

Incidentally, the first thing I thought of with the name "Lovelace" was Lady Ada Lovelace. The mathematician. Not sure if that was an intentional reference to another well regarded woman.

RebelVampire

i love period pieces but i think the steampunk aspects help twist it enough to make it a bit more unique.

mathtans

(I don't think the time frames synch up but I don't recall when the comic takes place...)

Oh, it's definitely unique. I like the gadget aspect too.

RebelVampire

i would not be surprised if the name choice was purposeful. if only because the comic has lots of strong ladies. i doubt well see any real historical figures though.

i appreciate that the comic actually kind of starts off with the airship escapade

cause it really showcases the ways in which their world differs

where you get airships

and sky pirates

mathtans

That's a good point. Helps with the world building before we get down into some of the classic period issues.

RebelVampire

yes. and i also kind of like it starts off more action-y. not that there isnt action bits later mind you. but more i think it helps set up the main conflict while tying in the romance. because it makes it so the romance isnt some forced subplot. rather its kind of integral and has as much to do with the whole highjacking as the rest of the story. since later on youll see that elizabeth's proximity to victor keeps bring that part of the story into the limelight

mathtans

That's a good point, in terms of tying things together. Also possibly sets up a key antagonist (or at least revenge plot) in that burned pirate lady.

RebelVampire

she does come back

i will spoil that much

mathtans

I figured she had to some time, whether it was by the present updates or not.

I've resumed reading a bit in the background. Seems like both the Watson ladies are doing their best to get arrested. ^.^

RebelVampire

well at least Abhaya is.

cause Abhaya is a risk taker who puts herself in many situations where people are gonna stop and stare

mathtans

Well, yes. But Elizabeth also seems to be taking risks where Victor is concerned. Or at least stepping out of her comfort zone.

Certain people have certain effects on us I guess.

RebelVampire

nah thats true. I just think Elizabeth just takes more social risks. Like not the kind that are gonna get her arrested, but more the kind that are gonna get her socially shunned.

whereas Abhaya is the punch one who is gonna get charged with assault

mathtans

That seems like a valid viewpoint. It fits with their personalities when we saw them in their youth.

The cutting back and forth between the two sisters in Chapter 3 is well done.

RebelVampire

yeah in general i like the PoV switching of the comic. because every scene is pretty well-chosen and advances the plot in some manner. and it lets us see others parts of the comic developing. cause later on you do get to see more of victor without elizabeth some and get to go "hmm" to all that hes up to.

mathtans

Ha! I like Chapter 3, page 31, where all the dialogue seems to fade out as Victor touches her. Cute.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 3. Besides romance, there is a larger plot posing real and deadly danger to the characters. Who do you think the Angel is? What are the Angel’s goals, and why is she excessively targeting Victor? Further, what do you think the source of her power is? Also, what does have kidnapping people like Ambrose have to do with her goals? Alternatively, is Ambrose there of his own free will (and if so, why)? Considering Abhaya is being sought by Amabel for help, what do you think Abhaya will do? Will Abhaya be able to uncover more of the truth, or is Abhaya just going to get herself into more trouble? How will Abhaya’s involvement affect Elizabeth and herself? Last, can Amabel be trusted, or is it possible she’ll abandon Abhaya when Abhaya might need her?

spoiler Amabel is who I ship Abhaya with

mathtans

Related to those questions, I do wonder a bit if Victor has a sordid past or something. Like maybe his empire wasn't entirely built on the up-and-up... with his knowledge or possibly without it. So there could be a reason there for him to be targeted.

I've looked on the character page and I approve this ship.

RebelVampire

oh yeah. Victor is 100% definitely a scoundrel. There is one scenes that really hints at this, but even before that i agree with you. Victor is not on the up and up entirely. I don't think he made his fortune without cracking a few skulls.

although idk if this is what makes him a target persay

or maybe it oes

but more in the way hes done the forbidden when it comes to tech

mathtans

Was he totally aware of the repercussions of whatever he did though? Because the people around him seem to like to keep him in the dark.

brb

RebelVampire

im sure he knew the repercussions. the people around him are more about keeping him in the dark about romantic matters. cause as was implied by one of the questions later on you find out the main thing ppl arent telling victor is that elizabeth is just there to open him up to the idea of marriage so he can marry a titled lady

cause everyone is all about those titles

In regards to the current question while you're away, I think Abhaya will help Amabel and get herself caught and get into a whole mess of trouble that for once, Elizabeth will have to break her out of. But I think it'll be a dual sword cause I do think Elizabeth's relationship to both Abhaya and Victor is gonna put her in the crosshairs. cause like, what an easy way to get Victor to show up. Get Elizabeth, tell Victor you'll never see her again if you don't show up.

as for the angel's goals, I feel shes on a path of vengence against the entire world, but particularly victor cause hes high up there in the industrialist chain

and knows something she doesnt and that she needs to bring her plans to fruition

mathtans

Back. Okay, that does make sense, darn titles.

Interesting, this Angel talk. I wonder if it's the same "angel" we see in the title card for Chapter 2?

Sounds like you think it's not personal, the Angel's path, merely that Victor is a convenient figurehead.

RebelVampire

i mean the angel is kind of the one from the title card. those are her wings for sure, though she doesnt look quite like that the one time you meet her

it could be personal, but i feel like the angel just has bigger fish to fry

from the impression i got from her

since shes kidnapping a ton of ppl

and you dont need to kidnap ppl to your cause if all youre doing is hunting down some industrialist

who almost got caught

if not for abhaya and elizabeth

mathtans

Ah, so she's the one behind the disappearances then.

(Still reading in the background.)

RebelVampire

yes. i mean its pretty implied but you get confirmation later that yes its her. though you can definitely speculate on the why

cause i have no clue

shes still enigmatic

mathtans

Looking for a husband? ^.^

RebelVampire

shes reading the wrong romance advice book

when elizabeth and her meet, elizabeth will point her in the right direction

and the angel is like "oh wait so youre not supposed to kidnap them? huh?"

mathtans

And then we ship Angel and Elizabeth.

RebelVampire

no. ill ship Abhaya and Angel

Elizabeth and Victor are the OTP

i said but then was like "nah id totally ship Elizabeth with West"

mathtans

Heh. That's fair, they are the main couple. Though West is an interesting guy, just needs to learn social cues.

RebelVampire

nah thats why west is amazing

he doesnt know social cues

and is awkward

yet helpful

and hes the only dude of victor's who seems to be in elizabeth's corner

mathtans

Right. I think it was said that he's not used to the lifestyle?

RebelVampire

yes that is what he said

which makes me want a side chapter just about what he did before he came to victor

cause i dont feel like victor would just hire some rando. he must of seen something in west

mathtans

Maybe he took pity on the guy, something about the scar.

RebelVampire

that could be cause victor understands the burden of scars

or something like that

whereas i just think west's scar gives him character

QUESTION 4. Mixed in with the present drama is a lot of unsolved past drama. Who do you think Victor really is? What do you think happened to Victor based on Milo’s story that he was telling Abhaya? How do you think Victor managed to overcome this to become the person he is today? Also, what do you make of the room Victor seemed to have sealed off in his house? Besides Victor, there is also a lot of drama between Jules, Abhaya, and Milo. What do you think happened between the three of them that managed to damage their relationship forever? Will spending more time together heal their wounds, or is it impossible at this point? Further, what was Jules up to the whole time he was away with Victor? Last, what do you think Jules’ goals were for introducing Elizabeth and Victor, and why does he seem immensely conflicted about her presence?

mathtans

Sorry, biab

RebelVampire

kay

I think Victor was some fellow servant kid who was Jules' only friend after Jules got sent away. And then Victor almost died. Although I'm changing my previous speculations. Maybe the Angel is more literal and she literally showed up, saved Victor with tech with the promise to return, and then left. So now shes back for her comeuppance. Meanwhile, Victor decided technology was great and he needed to bring it to the world cause it was what would keep him alive and save others.

as for the three, at this juncture it seems pretty heavily implied Milo and Jules were in a relationship and that Milo called off the wedding to Abhaya cause he didnt want to live a lie in regards to how he felt about Jules. Regardless of the what, while Milo i feel will legitimately forgive and forget, I dont feel Abhaya or Jules will. Abhaya cause she doesnt seem the type to ever forgive ever. And to just hold onto her hatred and seethe. Jules in the meantime I think wont forgive until he gets revenge in some way. Cause the two probably betrayed his trust big time and he kind of got the most screwed over by what happened

i think Jules wanted them to meet for the exact reason that the others implied: they want Victor to warm up to the idea of women so he can get married. However, I feel Jules now feels like a jerk who is taking out his anger at Abhaya on Elizabeth who had 0% to do with what happened between the three. and yet he knows hes in too deep to turn back now.

mathtans

Could be that Victor was initially poor... in fact maybe he married into the company somehow? Could the Angel be his wife? o.o

I wondered about Milo and Jules. My initial thought had been that Abhaya had called off the engagement though, so that's an interesting other look at things.

Jules and Elizabeth were close too, back in the day. One wonders if he's that good at seeing how things play out long term.

RebelVampire

nah its definitely his company. but victor was probably poor. if only cause everyone calls him new money. so it means he has no predecessor parent who made their fortune.

Jules strikes me more as the type who things hes great at planning but really, really, really isnt

and then tons of consequences come about that he has to accept and deal with

mathtans

That makes sense and could explain the sympathy for West too, maybe he knows West even though it doesn't necessarily go both ways.

Yeah, Jules seems to think he's got everything well in hand but he doesn't seem to account for the human factor.

Made it to the end of Chapter 4/Act 1 now. Apparently the Angel kidnaps people to literally graft wings onto her spine. Ouch.

Interesting callback to Victor's wounded leg though.

RebelVampire

i think even more than the human factor, Jules is just bad at making plan Bs for when things do go wrong. then panics and makes bad decisions

like not telling victor the factory is in danger

mathtans

Maybe that thing that Victor has in the factory is a time machine. Turns out he's actually from the future, he brought back all the technology and that's why the Angel is after him, she thinks it's stolen.

You're not wrong there, about Jules.

RebelVampire

ya know...i can support this time traveler theory. i mean it doesnt quite fit considering flashbacks

but id 100% buy victor built a time machine

cause why not

victor is amazing

mathtans

Maybe his company is corrupt because they're still trying to get the patents.

RebelVampire

i mean

its a company

so its probably corrupt to some degree regardless

mathtans

That's also a good point.

RebelVampire

i mean i can point out the fact they want victor to marry a titled lady to be a form of corruption. cause thats just marrying someone to advance your social standing for the business

mathtans

I guess we're near the end... haven't said anything about the art yet. I suppose I like the shading, and I thought the sound effect use was clever.

Need someone to star in the commercials.

"Ladies and gentlemen, my wife loves this new device I call a roomba."

RebelVampire

i really love the clothes. i mean theyre simple, and yet all seem to fit within the period that this comic is trying to go for

but if they get a roomba what are the house wives supposed to do

not sit at home cooking and cleaning all day?

also about the art, i really love the steampunk designs. you can definitely tell the steampunk inspiration in them, yet theyre really unique and not really like any steampunk ive seen before

and i can for sure appreciate uniqueness

mathtans

Yeah, that's true. And there was that neat detail of the corset being laced up the front, I wouldn't have thought of that.

Uniqueness is good. I wonder what the machine connection will end up being.

With the whole "maiden of the machine" thing there. (Won't be a roomba, after all.)

RebelVampire

ah thats a good point as well. i loved that detail about the maid being able to tell elizabeth didnt have a maid

mathtans

Maybe Elizabeth gets upgraded too.

RebelVampire

the comic was about the angel all along

and the angel's victory

COMIC TEA PARTY- THURSDAY BOOK CLUB END!

Sadly, this wraps up our final Thursday Book Club chat for now. Thank you so much to everyone for reading and joining us! We want to give a special thank you to Caitlin Like, as well, for making Maiden of the Machine. If you liked the comic, make sure to support Caitlin Like’s efforts however you’re able to~!

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[tricks-up-my-sleeve]

((okay so spoilers for s8 ep 18 aka on the road to friendship under the cut w/ a bunch of spoiler tags just in case))

So uhhh this episode was everything I wanted? A lot of it’s subtle things, but, I’m ghkjlhgfd I’m not crying you are. I don’t do horse analysis or reviews or anything like that I grew tired of those types of things ages ago bc it personally gets to a point where it sucks out the fun for me but I’m just gonna make bullet points of all of my thoughts. Mainly involving Trixie and how this episode ties into my portrayal of her. Probably others too, though.

The little magic show at the beginning? Wonderful. I love these two performing together.. and together in general. Twi & Caddy even agree on how they’re such a good duo.

Speaking of which, Twi complimenting Trixie with a huge smile? HERE. FOR. IT.

Flurry Heart watching the show was adorable. Also the inclusion of Granny Smith was of course great.

“Doing a show with you is almost as much fun as counseling students at Twilight’s school.” Almost? I’m disappointed. It’s not the first time I’ll be disappointed in Glim this episode, but we’ll get there. She’s still loved.. but it gets rough.

Loved how Hoo’far called Trixie “Miss Powerful” and her reaction to it. Just cute and silly.

TRIXIE’S. LOVE. FOR. HER. WAGON. I didn’t expect this to be a big plot point in the ep or really ever brought up, but I was so thrilled because that’s always been a small part of my Trixie. She loves her wagon. It may be small and cramped (and also, it apparently has a pretty fucked up doorknob) but it has sentimental value. It means a lot to her. I loved this so much. Not once did she stop and consider trading it for something that a lot would look at and assume was superior.

Moonwalking Trixie.

Trixie bringing up how traveling gets pretty lonely a few times in this ep. Pretty much something that’s easy to guess or assume, but that’s also something my Trixie hasn’t been too shy of admitting, either.

Trixie!!! Levitating!!! Herself!!! She obviously learned that from Starlight. Although we didn’t see it much, I’m so fucking thrilled that we see that Trixie’s been improving her magic. An issue I had with To Change A Changeling (which is just a nitpick) is that they really don’t bring that up. Personally, ever since All Bottled Up, I’ve definitely been convinced that Trixie actually has strong potential for magic, given the right teacher. Glim Glam succeeds there. I could go more into detail to why I think this is but I’ll spare you.

Trixie on the couch in Starlight’s office. I don’t even have to say anything. Just perfect.

I love how Trixie painstakingly made room for the both of them in the wagon. To it’s credit, looking at it paused, it at least isn’t as small on the inside as it is the outside. It has an entire cannon in there. It seemed like she set up two beds for them? Perhaps at least one of them was makeshift? It’s hard to tell, since Star brought stuff and then she set up hammocks. It did look slightly cozier in there before the extra luggage, though. What I guess I’m getting at, is that although it’s a tight squeeze, it’s good to see that it can at least fit two ponies, although it’s not entirely ideal. 

Seeing the inside of the wagon’s been a thing I’ve wanted for ages. I could sit and look at every little thing in there and just smile for a while. Super cute.

Trixie really is sweet and considerate, you know. Seriously. Asking if Starlight is sure she doesn’t want to ride instead of walking with her, and giving her more than one chance to back out on the trip if she wants to.

THE SONG. Tell me I’m biased, I don’t care. This is my favorite horse song. I’ve waited patiently for pony Trix to sing... and it’s just.. all so fucking cute. Too much to take in.

More of Trixie’s magic shown in her shielding Starlight. Love it.

“For untold seasons yet to come, our friendship will be here!” “For nine, at least.” FUCKING. WOW. That’s clever but it also hurt my heart. Especially since my favorite friendship duo has only known each other for three of those seasons thus far, and ultimately it’ll only be four. Too soon, Glimmy.

Trixie talking about how she learned the hard way about life on the road and saving bits and all that. I like that. It shows her more mature side, and that she’s a little street smart from experience. Usually she’s kinda shown as less mature than Starlight, and this episode shows the flip side, which I really like.

I love how she’s adamant on buying hay cakes (Haycakes? They’ve used the word pancake before, though. What’s the difference?) from her preferred stand. Like.. me too, Trix. Clearly there’s a higher quality in the line that’s actually got ponies in it.

This is where Trixie and Starlight really start to argue like a married couple. Here I thought Applejack and Rainbow Dash took the prize for that. This is so domestic tho.

The first argument, at least, is short lived. I really liked that. Trixie sighs, presumably not wanting to push farther to where she hurts Starlight’s feelings. Love how she says “No, of course not.” and continues to apologize for getting snippy. She’s really improved on being.. to put it lightly, less bitchy. It’s what I love about watching her, and while To Change A Changeling was hilarious, that was my other nitpick. She had an attitude almost the entire time.. but it was funny, and I wouldn’t go as far as to call it OOC, so I wasn’t mad. The reason Trixie appeals to me so much is that she’s definitely a much nicer pony, but she’s still her. She hasn’t seemingly changed overnight from the first time we saw her, but she’s definitely made an effort. She’s quite the sweetheart when she wants to be.

I love how Trixie states that it’s taken her years to collect all of her magical items. I just think it’s neat. Also, rightfully getting offended when her stuff is called junk.

Coward Trixie returns. This is definitely me looking too deep into it but personally I’d like to think that yeah, after the Ursa event, I’d be scared of animals outside, too.

Starlight snoring and Trixie outright performing in her sleep. Lmfao. I’ve said this like fifteen times already about other things but I love it.

I relate to these tired and grumpy girls, but even I would have made sure to save some food / juice for my pal. Well.. maybe the juice was definitely out of spite. Wish I could scold her, but I would’ve done the same thing.

The grouchy magic show hurt me to watch. It was still funny though. Again, definitely arguing like a married couple. Two tired, angry friends trying to work together is just never gonna turn out right.

I love their voices in the “Practice makes perfect.” “Not today it didn’t.” exchange. So sassy. So higher pitched. Those faces, too. Lol.

Starlight throwing all of Trixie’s shit out followed by Trix yelling “You can HAVE IT ALL!” Oof. Almost like I’m watching a breakup right before my very eyes. Also the way she runs off. These poor hopeless gays.

STARLIGHT GLIMMER CONFIRMED WORST GIRLFRIEND. I’mjustkidding. Naturally I saw this coming from a mile away, but still. Wow. Ouch. I do like though how it seems to be consistent that she can be defensive of her bad decisions. Not really realizing that what she’s doing is wrong.

TRIXIE FREAKING OUT, THEN BEING BROUGHT TO TEARS BECAUSE STARLIGHT TRADED HER WAGON. This hurt me more than you could imagine, but what hurt me even more is that Starlight didn’t even flinch, and was completely insensitive about it for a while. Yikes. I already went into how much I love Trixie’s attachment to her wagon, but this killed me.

Also, pretty sure that selling or trading somebody else’s stuff is illegal, Star. Trixie shouldn’t have beef with Hoo’far. She should just be planning a lawsuit against Glimmer instead.

Am I just crazy or stupid? When Trixie tells Starlight that at least the wagon wouldn’t have traded her away, I was like, yEAH, you’re valid. Tell her. It made total sense to me. Then Starlight just responds with “That’s ridiculous.” Like?? It wasn’t to me? I sound silly now bc I get the joke, it’s an inanimate object, but what I’m trying to get at is that Trixie was pretty much trying to say that if Starlight really was her best friend she wouldn’t have done that.

I love how Trixie doesn’t accept the flattery from Hoo’far like she normally would bc she’s real pissed. To be fair, though, it’s really not his fault. I mean.. okay, a little, considering he should have known that it didn’t belong to Starlight, and that the trade needed to be given the okay by Trixie. He’s not a bad guy, though.

TRIXIE LYING IN FRONT OF THE CART FOR HOURS BC NO WAY IN HELL IS SHE LETTING THIS GUY TAKE IT. AMAZING. Give it up for his patience, too.

Starlight finds out that you win some and you lose some with the bigger caravan. Also, I love how she didn’t realize how fucked up stuff was when she was with Trixie and having a good time. Her regret sinking in seems about right. You can see her start to miss her.

“Sometimes travelling together is hard.” “But you reminded us that you can also make it fun!” Definite lesson that these two needed. Obviously Starlight was breaking before hearing that, but those big sad eyes she gets after. Regret.

“What are you two doing?” “Taking a stand! By lying down!” Lmao. Never change, Trixie.

“Best friends who share a deep bond but weren’t prepared for the emotional challenges of traveling.” Oh, definitely. Really feel like their first trip should have been a short one. Possibly with more planning ahead of time.

Best. Friendship. Chant.

“Only true friends would be willing to act so ridiculous for one another.” Aww. True.

“At a certain point, I don’t even like travelling with myself.” Line I really liked. Also Starlight saying that it’s harder than she thought.

Despite their exchange about knowing not to do it again, eh, still not wanting to completely rule out the thought of them travelling together in the future. Like I said, with more precautions taken, pretty sure they could’ve been just fine. Mainly reserving a room at an inn, since the big issue really just seemed to be them getting crabby sleeping in the wagon. Would’ve preferred it if it kinda gave that lesson and had Trixie say that they’ll know how to handle it next time, with both of them saying yeah, but let’s not make that anytime soon.

Trixie and Starlight almost killed an old man.

That’s it, if anyone even read through all of that. Can’t really say much more. This may or may not be my favorite Trixie episode. I’ll have to give it some time, but I loved almost everything about it. (No Second Prances is my current favorite I suppose, due to it also validating a lot of how I viewed Trixie at the time, and still do.)

Like I said.. it’s just really refreshing to see her take on a more mature stance than Starlight for the most part, since other episodes usually show the exact opposite. Not that Starlight is incredibly mature in her own right, but she does usually take that role when it comes to her dynamic with Trixie. I love any chance we get to see Trixie, but in episodes like To Change A Changeling, sometimes I worry that they don’t give her enough credit. She’s not a complete incompetent bitch, and to be fair, I don’t think she ever really has been. I won’t go into how I personally view her flaws, though. Guess that could be another post.

Until next time. Hopefully there is another next time. Starlight’s line in the song about nine seasons still has me all fucked up and I need help. Maybe one day I could go back and do these for past Trix episodes.

[binary-black-hole]

Wow! (neither good or bad)

I was just told by my landlord today that my room mate is moving out within the week. While I feel regrets that everything landed the way it did (and my shitty responses to tense situations), I am content not to have to deal with the goading on of her girlfriend. It’s sad to think that I was trying to be her friend... I tried so hard to be better, healthier, and kinder so that we could be around each other without the same old issues of mine coming up (my depression, my acting out, my apathy) but they all did. She wasn’t the epitome of health either but I hate when I’m the one who causes situations to blow up. It makes me question my motives. I didn’t want it to end this way, but I know that I sabotage myself constantly. I also know that I catch myself making good decisions in the shittiest way possible so the best outcome I’m capable of becomes stunted. I also also know that I pick the worst fucking people to be around when I’m coming out of tough times. I hate that I’m so unhealthy...

I’ve been in many way worse relationships, though, and this doesn’t even hit the top ten. Whether the girlfriend was being an awful person or not, I’m glad that I recognized when I needed space (which, honestly, boundaries are not my strong suit). I’m happy that I’m expecting better from myself in my health. I’m excited to consider this next few months where I can think about me instead of a crush, friend, or some other fucker who wants attention. I’m not in a bad place. I feel like I can handle this. This place is my new home and it’s felt like this for months, in spite of everything. I can’t remember the last time I felt so... okay.

What’s even better is that... uh, I’ve been bored lately. Not depressed bored, not empty bored, or frustrated bored, just... bored bored? I mean, I’m actually looking for things to do. Playing video games, reading, writing... It’s been interesting. 

I realized that I actually miss going for walks. I was taking the long way to get to my bus in the mornings and stopped recently and I felt sad that I had “no reason” to go outside anymore. Now, when I’m feeling good, I’m walking to the store that’s kind of far and going outside on my breaks at work. I used to only go outside to smoke a cigarette (which I quit doing every day a few months a go *lol still do it sometimes tho*) and now I’m going outside just to sit so I can get a moment in the sun or some fresh air. 

I miss cleaning the house. I remember when I lived with my first partner that I loved helping him clean but had a hard time doing it for myself. The same thing kept happening in new relationships where I loved cleaning up for other people to show my love. Then, when I moved into the last place, my roommates were so difficult to live with that it was nerve wracking just to reorganize the table. Nowadays, I’m growing into this space where I want to be refreshed when I come home. Care giving definitely helped me realize how to take care of myself in the easiest way possible. Learning that my growing mess was a sign that I may be avoiding another issue was also a real eye opener. I figured out that it wasn’t just that I didn’t give a shit about myself but that I actually missed the mess when it was gone. I would feel so empty with a clean room (even if I had it the way I wanted) because I felt like there was nothing else to do. Like, “oh I accomplished the thing- now my life is meaningless”. I knew that the mess stressed me out pretty bad, but it was something rather than a healthier outlet that felt too difficult to do or just sitting in my room sleeping. So weird to finally realize that but so much relief. I always thought it was because I truly did not give a single shit about myself. I mean, it’s partially true, but now I know how another way that I tricked myself into not getting healthier.

I now know that filling every fucking moment with other people or thoughts about other people was literally not benefiting me. My obsessing was taking over everything to the point that some days I would spend hours thinking over arguments or slights that I had dealt with years a go. It was fucking exhausting. Being considerate and empathetic is one thing, but focusing so much on relationships was taking away anything that I had to offer for myself. With the kind of mental illnesses I have, I’ve been slowly learning that I’m truly a spoonie. These last few months of excess calm made me realize how much I was throwing down on stressors. I don’t have infinite amounts of emotional energy (and I don’t have none like I used to believe). I just need to channel it at the right times, and know when I need to just stop. Sometimes I won’t know how to deal with someone. That’s okay. 

In my down time, I’ve also realized that I love lavishing my body in items that are better for my health when I’m feeling shitty about myself (washing my face instead of picking at it, using CBD oil on my hands when they hurt, or giving myself a manicure instead of biting my nails). Finding the right lotions, discovering which scents I like best, or knowing how my hair reacts to certain products. I’ve been going gluten free for a month or so. I also started cutting down on my dairy and sweets. Maybe it’s all the samples from work but I find it fascinating that I’m not getting so frustrated with my body as much anymore. The fatigue and joint pains still suck, but now I’m not dealing with intense nausea, headaches, or bouts of binge eating as much as three or four years a go. I’ve also started wearing clothes that I really like instead of stuff I feel like I’m settling for. I wear whatever makes me feel good, no matter what I hear (even though it still hurts sometimes to see the big difference in others’ reactions).

It’s nice to realize that I may be doing things that are better for myself than I think. Even if I fuck up a lot. Even if I’m not the healthiest person. 

[survivormarmoreal]

Episode #13: "im so EMO (TION)" - Bryce

I cant believe that im still here. And we have majority. 3 vs 2. Matt is coming to me know saying that he wants to work with me but like. Bruh. But that could be good tho having him. I have to see what happens with immunity first.

OKOKOKOK CAN WE JUST DISCUSS HOW AM I A FUCKING GOAT. FIRST OF ALL Jock destroyers was a pretty dominant alliance i played a SNITCH RAT GAME with exposing plans and i was lied to but like can i get some credit here like first of all it was my fucking ideal to even force a tie, bryce wanted sharky out he didn't want rocks i wanted rocks when my ass was literally on the line here and i was still willing to go to rocks because i don't want to be a fucking goat and do what bryce or sharky wants this is the only way i could get brian SHARKYS #1 ALLY out of the game so that you know who sharky's #1 ALLY IS NOW FUCKING ME. so you know what yeah i'm a goat, greatest of all time actually and i at least deserve some level of credit or respect here to pull some shit off like this. only person on the fucking tribe with the balls to do this shit and i don't even have balls. OK BYE.

i literally dont have words. i keep having meltdowns and like its so not like me i usually just treat games as fun but im just so upset bc brian went home when we could have prevented it and now im in a spot where annabelle and sharky control things and im basically going to get 5th. i really thought i was doing something and life came at me real quick and said learn ur place KJFSHKJDFHSKJ. like the play anna made was smart so go her i just hate that i got played and that brian left with the vote steal and that my game is ruined and i came so far and i thought i was playing alright also i hate how everyone and their mother keeps calling me out for playing the middle KJSFHFKS like grow up and shade me in ur confessionals not to my face im SENSITIVE AUBRY. basically the point is: https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/506665419092918273/541697763788980225/image0.jpg

I'm SHOCKED. I swore to Annabelle I wouldn't right her name down. And yet she writes my name down! And just as I was thinking I could trust Bryce HE RALLIES VOTES AGAINST ME! I'm so pissed off, and scared, and hurt, and now I have to scramble to figure something out.

Okay let recap everything that has gone down in this 24 hours since I was betrayed. So I talked to Annabelle A LOT. Basically we've talked to each other a ton. I discover that Anna made the plan for the tie and then Bryce was only willing to flip if the vote was for me. SHADY. I knew I should have never trusted him. So basically either I convince Annabelle to save me, everyone goes to rocks, or Matt and Brian flip on me and I go home. I would have said the last one was super unlikely. So I start busting my ass to sway Annabelle. We have really opened up to each other about our games, she is feeling like she has to make a big move. I talked to her about how I feel hurt because I've busted my ass all game to save Anna and Matt and now they both seem unwilling to save me. I tell the guys we just have to be nice but imply to her she stands no shot of making the end without me and how Bryce is going to win. She has no idea we have the vote steal so Brian/Matt would definitely get Bryce out next. So I go to sleep thinking we are making progress. I wake up an Anna is like "Matt was rude to me so I'm definitely not flipping" so I'm starting to feel really hopeless. And then Matt and Brian both started to dodge the idea of rocks. And Anna is telling me Bryce thinks Matt is probably going to flip. So i'm thinking it's over. And in the FB Bois chat Matt and Brian both keep being like "I'm so conflicted" "we'd be guaranteed f4" "blah blah blah" So now I'm realizing these two aren't willing to go to rocks for me. I've spent this whole season trying to save our alliance at any cost. And now that I'm the one in danger...they aren't willing to take the risk. SO now I get it. I've been too nice. If they are going to put their games above mine and aren't willing to risk it so all 3 of us can make F5...I'm going to have to make sure we take that risk because it's my only shot. So I pitch to Anna a way she can get her rocks and I can be safe. We tell them that Anna agrees to save me. That way they think were set and it'll all work out and then it'll go to rocks and I'll be safe. It's super risky and I'm putting all my faith in Annabelle and I feel so scared and guilty and idk but this is the only way I survive and there is a chance Anna goes and it all works out. But...it's also not lost on me that Anna is willing to risk her own game to save me...but my own alliance isn't. I'm feeling...weird.

Brian went home. I...honestly am just feeling horrible. And he was so mad at me. Like mad to the point that I'm worried I ruined a real life friendship over this game. And Matt is furious too and he's going off on me in our group chat which fucking sucks. Like that was the worst case scenario for me. And it sucks. But I shouldn't have to feel bad about this. Like both Brian and Matt were willing to vote me out so they didn't have to go to rocks. They put their game first so why am I a villain for doing the same thing? And they want to be like "we were up front with you about not being sure" like that's supposed to make me feel better. Yeah of course you were honest you weren't the ones in danger. It's easy for y'all to be honest when you're just going to vote me out. I couldn't have been honest with them or they would have flipped and I would have gone home. How do they not see that? Was I supposed to just give up? How is that fair? And how is it that they can vote me out and I just have to accept that but they can't accept that I saved myself. I'm feeling super alone, like I can't trust anybody, and like my best friends won't even take a second to look at it from my point of view. Of course I feel terrible. I just hope this doesn't come between genuine friendships.

ANNA REALLY JUST CLOCKS ME AND SHE KNOW SHE CAN BC WHAT ELSE AM I GOING TO DO. me matt maynor better be this f3 matt might win tbh but idc! anna has CROSSED ME and like laughs in my face FKJADSHFKAJ like yes ur iconic yes u did #that but im in this game with u and its a lil rude to flaunt ur success at me FKJADSHFAKJ when i do sth good i would never constantly bring it up (btw i won immunity once and got that cute blue color so everyone is jealous prob...) also im so emo i miss dennis and i miss brian they were the 2 ppl who i felt close to in the game and theyre both gone i literally am so upset i feel like if i wasnt so busy before tribal i could have talked to brian more and convinced him he had to vote sharky bc i KNEW anna was voting sharky but he bought her lies and i was convincing enough so i just feel its my fault i lost my closest ally (and his vote steal) although maybe he would have beat me in the end so this is good thing? nope! like i think i played alright in the middle but ppl prob wont respect it and idk if i would bc clearly im biased and maybe i am just a goat and thats why im still in like i rly tried to do sth this round but didnt i just ugh so demotivated hehe but maybe ill snap or sth insert positive uplifting quote here i just hope that i can turn this around and defeat anna and her pet shark. ALTHOUGH ITS LIKE WHERE THE BIG DOG PULLS ITS OWNER AND WALKS IT INSTEAD OF THE OTHER WAY AROUND. im so EMO (TION)

yesterday i was feeling a LOT of emotions and now that i have distanced myself i realize that my emotions were VALID and i am perfect and had the RIGHT to be upset that everything went wrong. i am speaking my immunity win into existence it WILL happen. i HAVE done the homework and even if i flop it (which i wont) i will still NOT GO HOME bc matt and maynor are hopefully on my side. OK BUT LIKE IM JUST SO JKAFSHKAJDSFHADSKFJA

This immunity is very important. We cant let Matt or Sharky win it. We need to have the opinion for them available to be voted out.

So like.... I am upset and feel very alone now in this game. Brian got rocked out and i was lied to again. I am just like so over it. I feel manipulated when I did have all the power and could've got a big threat out. but NO sharky and anna the fucking dynamic duo they are decided it would be fun to go to rocks! I am just so over it. Im getting fucking 5th place and I am MAD.

OR AM I? I decided to lie last night and say i gave my idol to brian last night. Why? It would paint an even bigger target on my back so i can go idoling. Cause of course I am not dumb enough to go and give my idol away hell naw. Instead, I need to knock sharky out of the immunity comp tonight but then get everyone on my case so they vote me. then boom idol. i know that this should get me to f3. I hope. If sharky goes next, and anna/maynor win FIC. then i know i can get at least maynor with me cause Bryce will then be the clear winner out of us 4. then maybe i will have a shot at the win but eh, need to get there first. I hope to god this can work and if not, final juror here i come!

I woke up feeling TERRIBLE. I feel so bad about the Brian situation. Matt won't respond because he probably hates me. I feel like a trash person. And tbh I'm questioning if I even deserve to be here.

I feel sick. Literally this is the worst case scenario. If anybody else had won everything would be fine. And now Matt has like given up which makes me even sadder. I'm honestly considering asking everybody to vote me out. So that Matt at least has a shot of making FTC. This sucks.

I WON IMMUNITY WOOOH IM SO ICONIC IM LITERALLY A LOSING FINALIST AND EVERYONE WANTS ME OUT I FEEL LIKE ILL LOSE IN THE END BUT THAT WONT STOP THESE PPL FROM GIVING ME 4TH WHEN I LOSE THE NEXT IMMUNITY AJKFDSHKFAJ THEYRE ALL LIKE SO VISIBLY DISAPPOINTED I WON IM SO SAD NNNN I WOULD BE HAPPY FOR THEM! i really hope they vote out sharky now bc its literally the smart move but im willing to bet theyll keep him to spite me annas gonna be like sharky needs to stay we get him out NEXT round and maynor might be convinced or sth idk and matt idk askdjfhdkjf i thought we were good but he ghosted me all day today so hm. club 96 nina and tina really falling apart

Matt is literally shutting down. Like I'm trying to talk with him and mend things and try to rally him so we can figure out how to keep us both safe and honestly he's just not interested. He seems disinterested and honestly he's being kind of a brat. Stop pouting! Sack up and help me fight. Because yes I was selfish last round and that put us in a tough spot but It was never my idea to trust Bryce or my idea to ignore that we had a vote steal to secure our vote at F6. I'm not the only one who made mistakes. So come on and let's freaking recover! Or are we just supposed to lay down and award Bryce the win? UGH

I was really on the brink of asking everybody to vote me out. But Matt is being so useless right now. If he's going to act like that he'll just get picked off at F4. He has no fight. So I'm over it. I really do love him but at this point I'm going to have to just try my best to get Annabelle and Maynor to believe that they stand the best chance at FTC against me, instead of Bryce or Matt. I've already ruined my reputation so I might as well at least try to fight. I feel over everything but I have to get it together.

The vote hopefully is between Matt and Sharky. I know Bryce really wants Sharky gone. Annabelle and I are talking and seeing which route is the best for us to make it to the end.

Like wow. My brain is so big. Im pretending that I threw away my idol to brian at the last second, and that I am leaving this round. Whereas in actually reality I still have my idol and sure as heck im playing it tonight and making final 4 YEET. like woe is me, woe is me, lol no bitch im here to stay. Sharky like, needs to leave as well. I love him but 2 big if a threat and I would quite like to well, win.

Oh and as I write this annabelle needs me huh. Well listen here, you lied to my fucking face and got brian out. Thus, you also need to leave bish. I am fed up of being lied 2 constantly by these fuckers called my tribemates and I am NOT here for it anymore. Time to play the lies and deceit game myself huh

This round is so weird for me. I felt like I was in such a tough place and feeling really defeated. But now Anna is getting paranoid and there is a very slim chance I could get her to to vote Maynor and then Matt and I both make F4. But my issues is I can't trust anybody. Because I don't think anybody trusts me. Like Maynor is being very noncommittal. Anna keeps flip flopping and maybe she'll flip onto me. Matt seems on board but honestly maybe he deeply deeply hates me and is just lying and will vote me out.

There is a little over an hour left before tribal. I'm convinced that it's me going home. Everyone seems to be too easy to agree to vote with me. It's not looking good.

Literally wtf. The Biggest plot twist of the century is occurring. I'M THE SWING VOTE?? Like since when in hell was I going to be the deciding factor. I mean I like it, I have the power for once and I am safe but still omg i LOVE IT! I am bunsen the Berner in this image, deciding between 2 fates: https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DzD8lXwUwAAgTlp?format=jpg&name=900x900

Having a panic attack. Im really nervous. Like i know its between Matt and Sharky. But there is still a chance that somehow me or annabell could still go. I hope it doesnt and its clear cut with Sharky and Matt. Fingers cross. Or imma die.

i had a good talk with anna today and i kind of love her (as long as she votes sharky) i think maynor might go now which is sad bc anna says matt/sharky are doing that but like matt says that he wants me maynor him f3 so who knows! anna like was honest with me about not knowing who to vote and seems to be voting sharky but literally anything can happen so whomst knows.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH okokok i feel so fucking badly about this move like so badly ughhhhhhhhhh but i feel like it has to happen i'm so so soooo sorry sharky like you have no idea i've been torn all day on what i should do and idk i feel like i lose no matter what this fucking blows

Sharky is voted out 4-1.