#This post does not apply to Octavia I know her

[chaifootsteps]

anon who sent an ask awhile ago about how Stolas getting drunk is always used as an indication for how sad he is -

I didn't even think of that at first but honestly it makes it a whole lot worse Stolas just got out of the hospital after having his wife call a hit on him

Stolas definitely knows about this but he still leaves Octavia alone at night to attend a house party, during which he gets smashed so hard he can barely walk or string a sentence together

this is next level recklessness on his part. Striker could easily try to kill him again or kidnap Via for ransom but Stolas never shows consideration for either. If he'd gotten a call she needed help or was in danger, was he just going to drunkenly open a portal then fall flat on his face through it?

same applies to Ozzie's - he went home and got drunk immediately but what if Via had needed him? at least Blitz just crashed on the couch then only got drunk at the party where he knew Loona was

not to mention Loona is older and can defend herself. Via can't - because Stolas never taught her to. he was too busy lending out her inheritance for sex

besides the writers just forgetting Via exists until it's time for another Stolas Makes Up for Being a Bad Dad But Not Really Episode, there's something else I've been thinking lately:

Stolas is written like he's a teenager. He doesn't feel like an adult once s2 starts; he's alternating between obsessed with his crush or being spiteful towards his wife and the fact he has a teen to look after rarely seems to factor in to what he does or doesn't do. He responds to someone yelling that he's hurt them by shutting down, sulking, then being petty til he can have a crying meltdown about what he really wants, then he makes out with the first person to show some interest.

At no point during any of this does the thought of the risk posed by his ex-wife & Striker, his responsibilities to look after Octavia or the need to behave like a reasonable adult in his fallout with Blitz enter his head. He just follows all his impulses and vices with a hefty dollop of 'me me me' attitude sprinkled in there too

Stolas' whiny behavior makes a whole lot more sense when viewing him and not Octavia as the seventeen year old

I've always said that he looks and post-pilot, even sounds more like Octavia's older brother than her dad. He certainly behaves like it and Viv and the fandom constantly making excuses for it makes it even less cute than it already wasn't.

[thebunniesgrim]

helluva boss’ humor really trips me up sometimes  

(long post like really long post i go off)

Because sometimes it plays with hell's society and makes funny jokes like the HR joke in Spring Broken. One thing that sticks out like a sore thumb is when it makes jokes or points fun at prudes in the universe. Which btw I don’t think this bad or anything it’s just something that pulled me personally out of the show. It’s still funny at the end of the day but!  

Like the normalcy of death, swearing, sex, innuendos and all that. like jokes that would make you or me pause for a second wouldn’t be such a deal to them and vice versa is funny. Honestly the M&M’s being in a loving relationship in hell as a joke is funny  

But the thing that trips me up is the way some demons in universe react to the jokes doesn’t make any since. I understand their reaction is a joke, but why did they have that reaction anyway? for example  

In the LooLoo Land episode a good joke was when Octavia said she was going to be sick then Moxxie panics going through different medications and pulls out a bunch of syringes full of morphine just to casually throw them into a baby stroller when Octavia says she wasn’t really sick. Hilarious and it shows the human and demon side of moxxie love it. Although in the same episode Blizto says he isn't a day hooker and the lady walking by judges him and he calls her a prude. Funny yes! But why does she care like girl he has a whole gun and that’s what you choose to be concerned about? Ok. I understand her being shocked is the joke but why is she? In a place where being a hooker is possibly the most normal thing to them as being lawyer is to you or me. Why such a strong reaction?  

(Stolas has green screen arms lol)

Even the newest Mammon ep in Fizz’s “two weeks' notice or whatever it's called” song when he say “spending life bent over with your fist in my ‘A’” and the crowed is like shocked or put off by it like sure maybe they just weren't expecting it but he literally says bent over and even shakes his little imp ass at them while setting up the joke. It could have also been that they were surprised he censored himself. I don’t know, do you know?  

Also, I must say hell born demons don’t have to be always ok with sex jokes. A little verity never hurts anybody. just Like Moxxie not very violent or having his limits is fine and also Striker being uncomfortable or not liking that everyone makes sex jokes at his expense is kind of funny it's of the same caliber of funny that the M&M’s gimmick has. I also think he doesn’t like the sex jokes because he doesn’t have control of the situation (or Stolas, Moxxie, and Fizz just aren't his type who knows lol) he was more than ready to diddle Biltzo’s holes if it meant he’d join Striker. Also, he didn’t seem to mind the other imps fawning over him even if he did kick that one girl in the face. Kind of like a you can look but don’t touch kind of thing. He likes or deals with the jokes until he can't control the situation and it's like come one dude, I'm trying to kill you cower before me plz :( you feel me? Like that makes since because it can be explained away with, their character but seeing as it’s not a social norm so when others who we don’t know and are supposed to show the status quo do it, it’s a little bit weird you know?  

This also applies to Helluva Boss in general not just jokes. It’s honestly hard to tell what's allowed in hell and what isn't sometimes even for jokes because you know how a lot of people were weirded out at the kid being at the clown pageant and everyone is like “dude its hell they don’t have the same type of morals as we do” but also have people in the show react to sex or taboo stuff like it's weird you know? Like yes, I expect hypocrisy in the world of hell like a whole “rules for thee but for me” kind of thing. It is hard to stay true to that when the rules aren’t enforced?  because one second, you’ll have Loona and Blizto making fun of Moxxie for being “fat”, but you also want me to care when Mammon calls Fizz fat. I'm supposed to take Loona beating up Blizto as a joke but once Stella raises a hand to Stolas, I'm supposed to be like oh no abuse! 

Speaking of abuse. Mammon is just Blitzo cranked up to eleven. They are practically the same character given what the show tells us. What Blitzo does to Moxxie is the same thing Mammon does to fizz only cranked up to nine. Mammon says things that make Fizz worry I.e. “ready to reclaim your win another year... I saw your competition and it's pretty stiff, right? You are going to have try extra hard” remember in “The Harvest Moon Festival” ep where Blizto says “now just remember your rep with the in laws is on the line here so, no pressure at all you totally will not make an ass of yourself in front of everyone important in your life” he totally did that on purpose. How about when Mammon calls Fizz a “a bit chungo”? blitzo in seeing stars “you know it wouldn’t kill ya to put a salad in your body every now and then” and he says it meaner. He even encourages Loona to also call moxxie fat so while it’s still Loona doing it Blizto not telling her to chill out or something and there by condoning it, but he has the nerve to clutch his stupid little pearls (also blitzo isn't Wareing his mom little necklace thing in ep) when Mammon does the same thing.

The fuck is that face for you slimy little bitch?  

Mammon says sexually charged stuff to Fizz that is very obviously making him uncomfortable but disregards it like its nothing? “The more they’ll want a piece of you they can home and fuck! Don’t you want that Fizzy? to be fucked?” Then Fizz said no, and he disregarded it. Blizto in Murder Family, Harvest Moon, Truth seekers, Ex's and Ohs when he makes a big deal about someone having sex with both Moxxie and Millie and then making a big deal at the fact that he, Moxxie and Millie have had sex with the same person also maybe Ozzie's when he says he watches the M&M get it on but it's hard to gaze if Moxxie’s reaction was surprise, disgust or both. Mammon calls Fizz a “a stupid little [HONK]” Blizto calls Moxxie “a fucking disgrace” in Unhappy Campers but to be fair I make it an active effort to forget that ep is canon so. Mammon puts Fizz in a situation he can't handle, which leads to a panic attack. Blizo in the first ep Murder Family where Moxxie doesn’t want to kill Martha because he doesn’t want to kill a mother and ruin a family and is openly hesitant and uncomfortable about it causing him to have a small panic and mess up the mission at first. Mammon tells fizz to get his shit together with the underlying threat of firing, terminating, or worse. Murder family Blitzo says “But if you ever pull a stunt like this again, I will fuck you and your wife”. Both BLizto and Mammon treat Fizz and Moxxie all buddy buddy when they do stuff, they want but when they don’t comply or might not do something they don’t like they get mean or aggressive. They only main differences is that Moxxie can talk back to Blizto in a way and fizz can't. Also, Fizz actually quits, and escapes his horrible boss.  

I know that the pilot isn't cannon but it’s the blueprint of the characters and Blizto being abusive to moxxie sexually and verbally being a constant throughout the pilot and the canonized show is just... icky 

The show will tell me that imps and hellhounds are at the bottom of society but also have them stand up to the deadly sins like it no big deal. Loona tried to fight Beelzebub, Crimson tried to bribe and blackmail Asmodeus, Fizz stands up Mammon (as he should but Mammon could have literally tuned him into a smoothie) like the deadly sins are the next things to gods and these low-level nobodies are trying to square up. Not only does it make the deadly sins look like total wusses, but it also makes hellhounds and imps look more powerful than they are. Striker saying royals' step all over imps and treat them horribly and other than stella literally throwing Pringles and referring to him as “this one”

but Stolas literally uses Pringles as like a phone stand in Seeing Stars so.... 

The only ones who we’ve seem treat the imps like that on a regular basis are other non-royal hell born demons like the twins in Mammons ep. The lady and her kid in the doctor's office in western energy, the hellhound bodyguards in The Circus and even other imps like how Millies family treat Moxxie because he’s traditionally strong, or how striker thinks that he and blizto are far better then they’re own kind. Sure, the imps are butlers, purse accessories, and work on farms to feed the other rings. Other than the farm thing other demons do too from what we’ve seen. Also, from what we have seen, the royals are so detached from imps it seems like Strikers’ biggest problem is other demons themselves. The only royal we see talk down to imps is Stolas. Stella, Andrealphus, Paimon, never says much about them or even addresses them in any kind of way that’s outright negative, it’s more or less just plain indifference. I mean even the 7 deadly sins (that we’ve met so far) don’t say anything about imps in a derogatory way mammon doesn’t, Bee calls Blitzo “Imp boy” but not in a mean way, and Asmodeus call Moxxie “little imp” which seems more teasing than mean.  

Ok look if I'm to take the hell hierarchy seriously then please play by your rules. I-ok so like are the sins a force to be reckoned with or not? Because they just seem like regular demons but bigger. You're telling me the second blizto get nabbed by the DORK agents Stolas is out here cracking necks and summoning himself in blood to save him 

But nothing was done to save fizz?  

“It was hostage situation” ok and? Asmodeus is a sin he could have pulled a Stolas and posseted one of Crimsons goons and shot or incomposite striker and crimson. You have almost infante power and you can't save your boyfriend and work colleague? And if demons can't be possessed then send Stolas in exchange for the crystal. Crimson doesn’t know about Stolas, and it would surprise him stolas can turn into his big bird form in hell and did in Seeing Stars. ALSO why is everyone just standing up to and trying to pick fights with the Sins? Like guys I get it I really do but please realistically you're going to get smooshed like bug 

I'm constantly being told that Stolas and Blitzo can't be together while Beelzebub and Asmodeus can be with Vortex and Fizz. With no real in show reason as to why? You can address its hypocrisy all you want but you still never gave a reason as to why one is ok and other isn't. Stolas is Royality and can't date outside his rank? And the 7 deadly sins are of a different rank than him so it's different. How so? Why does Asmodeus need it to keep him and fizz a secret? if a god was dating a regular person, what could you possibly do about it? Also, if Asmodeus needs to keep his relationship a secret, then why doesn’t Beelzebub? If it because Beelzebub’s relationship corresponds to her sin how so? How is dating someone not of your rank gluttonous or indulgent? Unless Bee is a serial dater, and I don’t think she is how so? Also, Asmodeus dating Fizz does correspond to his sin he’s the over seer of lust and lust doesn’t stop at rank or class. If them being romantic is the problem, then they could lie and tell everyone that him and fizz are just fuck buddies or they're in an open relationship where they are ok with each other sleeping around but they don’t do it. They’re already business partners; it wouldn’t be a stretch if the literal ruler of lust would want to sleep with someone regardless of their rank and whether or not they work for them. Plus, they do openly say they are fucking each other while Ozzie's workers are near so them having sex isn't the problem.  

Ok so like ya’ll know the live action Grinch movie? And you know that one part where the grinch is the holiday chair mister and the who's are giving him a bunch of food even after he's full and his face is full of food, but they keep shoving more in his mouth? Yeah, that is what watching helluva boss is like sometimes you know?   

It's like a barrage of information or nothing 

Anyways  

this show is ride and then some lol granted this doesn’t really make or break the show for me honestly, it's just that the more the show tells me one thing it’ll go through hell (heh) to make it, so it doesn’t matter anymore, and it only brings up more questions. Like if something isn't allowed then make it so don’t just tell me oh that’s not allowed but is but it’s a problem but I'm not going to tell you why or what the problem is just trust me look at the cute couples don’t look anywhere else don’t worry about it  

I know you’re probably asking yo why are you questioning it I'm just a confused fan and I want the show I like to make since is that such a tall order? 

[vazelbeak]

Thoughts on season 2 episode 4

Okay this episode I feel has a lot worth nothing so im taking notes and transferring them into a post. Apologies if this posts messy this episode had a lot to touch upon.

Worldbuilding

-First lets touch upon world building. This episode presented things that were really inconsistent. Was Andre there go facilitate the divorce? He didn't have paperwork or anything and he didn't know about Striker. If that was why he was there was it some plot to trick Stolas into going somewhere she could kill him. Stolas doesn't appear to go many places or have a job what's stopping Striker from sneaking into his castle? I think this needed more research and set up. Does Stolas have too much security around his castle?

Maybe have Stella mention "apologies brother, I couldn't tell you about Stiker and risk Stolas catching onto my plan by you anticipating him showing up. It takes a lot to get him to go somewhere outside his castle without Blitz or Octavia."

- There is also Andre implies Goetia live forever if not incredibly long by saying "eternity". I think this somewhat contradicts Stolas's need to have an heir when its implied Stolas's family has a habit of dying young last I recalled. Wouldn't there be more urgency for them because the whole point of a precautionary heir was incase Stolas died? Eternity could apply to everyone else, but did they forget the whole point was Stolas might not live as long as everyone else? Or is it that Stolas is now in the clear and doesn't have to worry once Octavia hits 18?

-If goetia live so long what do you mean none have ever behaved this way before? Certainly someone has to. On top of that you would think then that Andre would have an arranged marriage to right?

-If Stolas dies and everything goes to Octaiva, but Stolas hates Stella so much he wouldn't willingly give her anything I would think logically the solution is if Octaiva is under 18 (or maybe 15 because people can get jobs at 16) and Stolas is dead that Stella would have that control until Octavia hits 18 years of age A Series of Unfortunate Events style. So does Stella want Stolas's power or just straight up hate him and want him miserable? Whats the point here? Her plan to get this should've been over the moment they divorced.

-If hellbies shots are things hellhounds need every year on the surface it would make sense it takes so long to book an appointment. However if hellhounds are lower class and seen as so not valuable presumably wouldnt many be too poor to afford one or have people who dont care to book appointments for their hellhounds making it somewhat easier to book one? On top of that if so many hell hounds need and get appointments wouldn't the doctors be more prepared to handle Loona being afraid she far from the strongest if her build tells us anything? In veterinarian clinics if your pets are too scared to have their teeth cleaned, claws trimmed, or bathed, its common practice to sedate them to minimize injury to the doctors and pets. Is it because sloth is the only place with this type of doctors office? Why? (Personally id say maybe make it Hellfever to sound like hayfever? But thats personal taste)

-Why did they try to inject Loona in the neck and then go for the butt? Its common in injecting dogs to my knowledge you do it in the scruff, but if injecting Loona in the butt is fine it brings to question why they tried to go for the neck when it seemed initially that area would've been more reasonable to begin with when she was first pinned.

-Why do hellhounds need a cone for a shot?

Now lets talk characters!

Moxxie

-Blitzø mentions they used to kill other demons and prior i mentioned with S2E3 it would potentially make sense if Moxxie had a problem killing other demons and not humans due to his mom and knowing humans die and go to hell so its not killing in his eyes, but he had no problem killing people in wrath. If they wanted it consistent they shouldve made a joke that Moxxie forgot about the guy he had the gas pump wrapped around the neck of and drove away unknowingly killing him, no explosion or have it a bit delayed so Moxxie doesnt connect the two and have him mention "Huh i feel like I'm forgetting something."

-Why are demons thinking Moxxie stole their hat? Or that hats are their thing? I think this would be funnier if they weren't wearing a hat and presumed Moxxie stole it somehow.

Blitzø

-Speaking of Blitzø I don't find him as funny as they want him to be. Him being mean to a kid would be funnier if the kid seemed intentionally a jerk and not played as a kid who doesn't know better and parrots what his mom is saying. Because of that it seems like any anger directed towards the kid should be towards the mom.

"Reeeeeally cant say that word anymore." You were cool with it until very recently Viv so this just sounds like trying to backpedal when people have been discussing your history of ablesim. It also looks bad that you were fine with him saying that but censoring him calling someone a cunt.

-Why is Stolas being able to be hurt new to Blitzø? This feels like it belonged sooner as episode 2 than Seeing Stars where Blitzø didnt care on part because of the terms they were last on and assumed Stolas was capable of helping himself only to be wrong. On top of that in Seeing Stars they introduced Stolas having limited abilities without his book so it feels like having Seeing Stars first would mean Blitzø should already have been introduced to the concept Stolas is not invincible.

Stolas

-Stolas seems painfully oblivious in this episode. Why didn't he recognize himself as in danger earlier? Striker had angelic rope and tried to shoot him. Wouldn't that indicate he's in danger before Blitzo couldn't arrive? Why didn't he try using his ability to turn people to stone before being captured? If he was scared I could see that maybe he didn't think of it in the moment but even then it doesn't make a lot if sense.

-if breaking Stolas's leg isn't that bad bc Blitzo's been rougher then i think the "harder" joke used by Moxxie would've fit better for Stolas to use than anything. Make it a joke akin to Klaus in umbrella academy where he's stabbed and starts moaning and itd ruining Strikers attempts to torture him so he has a painful drawn out death.

-Why does it matter if Blitzo doesnt say anything when Stolas told him he could visit? It feels like theyre bouncing back and fourth between whether S1E7 had any significance. Stolas was hitting on him in Seeing Stars are we sure this is supposed to come before that?

Striker

- This is the second time we've seen Striker and the disconnect between what he says and what the team says about him is massive. If Strikers talk of hating what the goetia took away from him was all talk to convince Blitzo to turn on Stolas, I didn't follow the logic but might be able to run with it if kept consistent. The fact Striker talks about it to Stolas too doesn't make sense unless true. If they wanted him to be a bigot and embody toxic masculinity it would make more sense if he hated Stolas for divorcing Stella because "that's not how you treat a lady".

-On top of that Stolas pointing out he works for Stella is pointing out their own inconsistencies in my eyes because it highlights that Striker is contradicting his presented motives. If for example it was for money Stolas saying this would insinuate Striker is a hypocrite for being swayed by money to work for a goetia. This would explain it by implying Stolas is trying to make Striker turn on Stella by implying he should go after someone who only cares for money. Im not sure if I'm making sense but they're not presenting a train if thought here.

- Why would he even care about Octavia when he wasn't paid to kill her.

Stella and Andre

- Adding incest feels like a cheap attempt to make Stella more cartoonishly evil to backpedal on Stolas being bad for cheating. It doesn't feel like a planned idea or as though it has significance beyond "ew Andre is attracted to her! Look how bad they are!" And Andre has no other real significance in the episode.

Overall lacks research, the plot doesn't feel like it progresses naturally. I don't see why Loona getting a shot needed its own separate plot outside of to justify Blitzø not being there and it feels like following Blitzø getting her vaccinated just lacked any substance beyond Vivs need to cut away from anything sincere to comedy.

If they wanted Loona to get vaccinated I feel like the better plot to give some significance to it would be Loona not wanting a Hellbies shot but after seeing how much she's hurting Blitzø to avoid it (to a point he gives up) she realizes she needs to try to do it for him because he did go through the effort to book this appointment and look out for her and when she does she either realizes its not that bad or at least has the sense to be remorseful for how she treated him.

I think I touched base with most things. If Viv wants to brag that her episodes were the most liked and throw the rest of her team under the bus she can have fun with that, however to me it looks like she's thrown out her own established character and world building details again and its disappointing.

[snorkling-in-sodasea]

Stolas-Related Thoughts

And now it’s Stolas’s turn. Now kind of like the one concerning Blitz, this post is NOT for Stolas fans. Not that I really dislike him, especially not as much as I do Blitz, but I doubt my opinions are gonna be all that positive. The same thing can be said for Stolitz, so you’ve been warned

So Stolas at the start was fine to me, too, and it does help me, even now, that Stolas is of a nicer demeanor. Really, my opinion of him was neutral throughout season 1. The most that changed was that my dislike for Blitz grew and grew so I figured, if Stolas really wants to deal with that mess, then let him. Maybe at least then Blitz will be inspired to change. Because like I said, Blitz needs someone who won’t abandon him so that he actually deal with the worst aspects of himself and change for the better

Then I read posts on tumblr about people’s thoughts - it’s something I like to do and I’m sure I’m not alone in making that a hobby - and I see people’s thoughts about Stolas. I have liked a couple more posts, this time ones relating to Stolas, and you can probably find them if you get to my likes. (I’m still not sure exactly how it works since I’m not very big on using social media)

Anyways, two posts I have agreed with. One was super long but it got into detail how Stolas isn’t as good of a dad as the show and a large chunk of the fandom liked to believe. The biggest offender that I’ll take from that post is when Stolas took Octavia to Loo Loo Land even though she didn’t want to. The thing is, another fanfic writer I know, they like to write Stolas as this loving, dedicated dad who is entirely. Not that I don’t enjoy reading that version but it doesn’t feel like it’s really Stolas; I just feel the disconnect less than I do with kinder, nobler versions of Blitz. In any case, this fanfic writer saw that canon Stolas only really acted lewd because he thought it’d draw Blitzo in and I can see that. The fanfic writer also made a post about how Stolas lived, the kinds of indirect people he’s dealt with his whole life, and how it’d make an impact on his overall people skills, as well as how he’s impacted by the marriage to Stella. I agree with all that, too

I can still think of a problem if I were to take the fanfic writer’s post into consideration, though, the specific part where Stolas is just pretending to be slutty for Blitz. Because the post talking about Stolas not being as good a dad as people think can apply, since it means that Stolas is so desperate for companionship that he doesn’t even try restraining being vulgar right where his daughter can see and hear him. In fact, Stolas even twists his hanging out with his daughter to distract her from the problems at home to his liking, since he WANTED the most painful physical reminder of the problems at home to come along with them

As much as the fanfic writer write about how Stolas can’t read people and so missed how Octavia wasn’t having fun, Stolas did something stupid. Stolas isn’t a stupid person but you know, just like all of us, he’s not immune to making stupid decisions or having moments of being stupid. Even if you insist that he just didn’t think it through, that’s just it; if you don’t think it through, then there’s not a lot of intelligence attached to whatever you were thinking. You’d be hard-pressed to call it smart if you did something without thinking it through

And here, Stolas made a stupid-ass decision or had a moment of being a dumbass by not only wanting to invite the most painful physical reminder of the problems at home when the whole fucking point of the trip is to distract her from the problems at home, and did, but also unabashedly flirted with said cause of family drama right where Octavia can see and hear him do it. Really, if Stolas was really just clueless about how social stuff is supposed to work because of how isolated he is, that doesn’t make it any more okay to me that he basically rubbed in his affair in Octavia’s face for practically a whole damn day, all without ever realizing how messed up it was for him to do so until Octavia exploded. And that’s the best case scenario! At worst, and like I said, Stolas is being so starved for love and affection in a way that doesn’t come from his daughter that Stolas doesn’t even think to control himself or his sexual performance AT ALL whatsoever around his daughter, let alone actually do it. As sympathetic as Stolas’s circumstances are, I can’t look at his behavior as good anymore or even all that funny.

Then the other post about Stolas’s behavior was actually a short one relating to his wife. Stolas said in the first episode of season 2 that he would have felt bad if he had hurt Stella but she didn’t feel hurt. For a while, I believed it, being a little annoyed that she was acting so one-dimensional. Then the post said that she did get hurt. She just didn’t hurt in the way that Stolas thinks would count. The very fact that she did send an assassin after Stolas’s ass for the cheating means that she had a reaction to the cheating. Having a reaction to the cheating means that she had felt something. Even if it’s bruised ego, it’s significant that it even got bruised to begin with. In fact, if Stella truly didn’t care, then she should have done absolutely nothing in response to Stolas’s actions, since apathy is the true opposite to love, or even hate

Then Western Energy comes along and Stolas claims that cheating implies a betrayal and that his marriage to Stella was very much arranged. The second part’s true but the first part, isn’t being legally married commitment enough? The fact you just go and have sex with someone who’s not your spouse without said spouse knowing about it, that’s EXACTLY what an affair is. That’s EXACTLY what cheating is. I mean, the same applies if you replace ‘spouse’ with ‘boyfriend’ or ‘girlfriend’ but surely you get the gist. It really feels like, now, the writers are trying to deflect as much blame from Stolas as possible when what he did was cheat on his wife and put his daughter in an uncomfortable situation thanks to it. Not that I’ll deny that Stella’s a horrible person but I don’t like the idea of deflecting blame when someone clearly did something bad just because another person who’s involved is blatantly worse. Really, if we were supposed to be forgiving like that, then we would forgive all the abusive parents who were abused by their own parents. Like maybe Crimson became a sociopath because he had sociopathic parents growing up - it is the mob - but are we really supposed to look at Crimson in a better light now that we got that possibility in our heads?

Really, my best guess on how Stolas, character-wise, would have such a narrow-minded perspective on what cheating and betrayal is is that he really doesn’t have much social know-how to understand the more complicated stuff. That he’s really. It still comes off as a little self-righteous, especially since we got no indications whatsoever that Stella actually cheated on him. Maybe she did, and I wouldn’t be surprised, but I’m going with the ‘innocent-until-proven-guilty’ thing so Stella’s never cheated on Stolas and he comes off as bad for trying to deflect blame in what he did.

And honestly, even if Stella’s feelings were never taken into consideration, there’s still the fact that Stolas so dumbly broadcasted that he slept with an imp, which could reflect badly on the family name, at least more so than Stella does already at those parties (but maybe it’s the kind of besmirching that will leave the Geotia family respectable enough even after all is said and done). Honestly, it’s amazing that it was big shocking news at Ozzie’s since Stolas never kept it a secret to begin with. Maybe it’s different for Beelzebub because, as the sin of Gluttony, she’s supposed to just take what she wants and if it happens to be an ordinary hellhound so be it. But yeah, Charlie trying to pitch her idea in the pilot meant that not even the princess of Hell is given respect as long as she doesn’t seem mean and tough. So maybe Stella would still be right for trying to punish Stolas, the problem is that she chose to do so in a method that would leave a heartbroken Octavia. Stella would definitely still be right for worrying if people will start giving her shit because she’s not seen as respectable enough to not start shit with her. I can’t blame Stella for being worried about whether or not she’ll survive and Stolas going about his affair definitely jeopardized that. Even if we don’t give a shit about Stella PERIOD, there’s still Octavia; Stolas jeopardized Octavia’s standing in society because the way he went about the affair

If the writers keep deflecting blame off of Stolas - which is a shame because he really was more interesting, especially in the narrative, if he had cheated and it wasn’t ignored that he did something bad - then he’s becoming a perfect match for Blitz. He’s becoming someone who just goes about getting what he wants, he doesn’t suffer as much as he should and even avoids guilt or other bad feelings from it if he’s really gonna say things like ‘cheating implies a betrayal’, and I’m caring for him less and less as the show goes on. Maybe not as strongly as Blitz but it’s not like some parts of the new behavior is making him more endearing to me

[the-punforgiven]

Warframe is so wild when you know fuck all about it and you're trying to google one based on appearance and all you have to go on is "The one who's face looks like a triangle but also like it has a sword sticking out of its face that isn't the poster boy for the game???"

[toomanyfandomssss]

His Girl - Three

When Violet woke up on her first morning down on the ground she felt the familiar strong, muscular arms wrapped around her. When she opened her eyes all she saw was the bare chest she had been using as her pillow all night. She smiled to herself and cuddled even closer to him wanting to enjoy the feeling as long as she could.

Unfortunately it didn't last long as the loud voices outside of the drop ship woke up her boyfriend.

"Morning angel," were the first words he spoke. He look in the direction of the voices, "The hell is happening out there?" Bellamy stood up bringing Violet up with him. He kissed her cheek and looked at her as he said "Meet me out there once you gotten dressed gorgeous, can't let anyone see what's mine," his eyes glancing down at her cleavage that was on display due to the fact that she was only in a bra.

"But you're going out there, showing your abs off to all the girls who have been drooling over you since we got here," Violet said as she raised an eyebrow. "Doesn't seem fair to me," she added.

Bellamy leaned down to her level, slowly moving his head to her neck. He left a few open mouthed kisses down the column of her throat, making her knees go weak. As he lifted his head he whispered in her ear, "I'm all yours angel." With that he exited the ship leaving Violet with her heart beating rapidly as she tried to catch her breath.

✶✶✶

When Violet exited the drop ship she saw Bellamy taunting Wells once again. She rolled her eyes as she heard him say "You still don't get it do you chancellor?" She kissed him before walking off, feeling his eyes on her ass as she went.

"This is home now," Bellamy said. "Your fathers rules no longer apply." He walked over and snatched one of the shirts, making Wells lung forward to get it. Adam held him back before Bellamy stopped him. "Oh, no, no, Atom. Atom, hold up." He looked back at wells teasing him by dangling the shirt in front of him, "You want it back, take it." He smirked proud of himself, waiting for the other boys reaction.

Frustrated, Wells drops the pile of clothes cause a many of the teenagers to run and try to grab some. "Is this what you want? Chaos?"

"What's wrong with a little chaos?" Bellamy threw his shirt on before they all heard a loud scream. Both of the boys rushed over to see what was going on.

✶✶✶

Murphy was holding a girl over the fire, speaking up when he saw everyone head over. "Bellamy! Check it out. We want the Ark to think that the ground is killing us, right?  Figure it'll look better if we suffer a little bit first."

"Let her go!" Wells shouted, pushing Murphy to the ground. He looked at Bellamy, "You can stop this."

"Stop this?" he smirked, "I'm just getting started." Violet glared at him as Murphy jumped back up. attacking Wells.

"Bell this isn't okay, you can't let people get hurt just because you're on some power trip," she scolded shaking her head in disapproval. She went forward to stop the fight but was pulled back into a hard chest.

"Please stay out of this angel, I know what I'm doing." Bellamy whispered in her ear as he held her tighter to his chest.

Kids were cheering the fight on and all Violet could do was watch as she struggled to get out of her boyfriends tight grip. Wells had gotten the upper hand and had Murphy on the ground again as he turned back to Bellamy.

"Don't you see you can't control this."

Bellamy and Violet watched as Murphy got back up, this time with a knife. "You're dead."

"Wait!" Bellamy held his hand up. Violet let out a sigh of relief. That relief was short lived as Bellamy threw Wells a knife and said "Fair fight." And again, she was being held back from trying to help. Once again the boys squared up ready to fight each other. "This is for my father!" Murphy shouted as he went to cut Wells a second time. However, Wells was able to grab a hold of him, turning him around and holding his knife to Murphy's throat. "Drop it!" He shouted.

All of a sudden a voice sounded from the distance. "Wells! Let him go!" the princess demanded.

After Wells had thrown Murphy forward once more, he was about to get jumped again by said boy. Luckily this time Bellamy stopped him. "Enough, Murphy."

He and Violet rushed over to Octavia who was being supported by Monty. "Octavia are you all right?" Bellamy asked her, panicked. "Yeah," she said as she held onto him.

"Where's the food?" he questioned the other members of the group that went on the hike to Mount Weather.

"We didn't make it to Mount Weather."

"What the hell happened out there?"

"We were attacked!"

"Attacked? By what?"

"Not what. Who." "Turns out, when the last man from the ground died on the Ark, he wasn't the last grounder."

"Its true. Everything we thought we knew about the ground is wrong. There are people here, survivors." People started murmuring to each other as Clarke continued, "The good news is that means we can survive. Radiation won't kill us."

"Yeah, bad news is the grounders will."

Noticing someone missing, Wells spoke up. "Where's the kid with the goggles?"

Clarke looked at him. "Jasper was hit." "They took him." She looked down noticing something. "Wheres your wristband?" She questioned.

He looked at Bellamy and nodded at him as he said "Ask him."

Violet looked at Bellamy in disbelief. "Bellamy what did you do?" He looked at her, not answering. He didn't want her to know what he had done. What he had forced Wells to do. Her opinion of him mattered so much to him. But in order to protect the two people he loves most in this world, he has to do things like this.

"How many," Clarke asked very obvious pissed off.

"Twenty four and counting," Murphy answered her with a smirk.

Clarke shook her head in disapproval, "You idiots. Life support on the Ark is failing. That's why they brought us down here. They need to know the ground is survivable again, and we need their help against whoever is out there. If you take off your wristbands, you're not just killing them. Your're killing us."

Bellamy stepped forward. "We're stronger than you think. Don't listen to her. She's one of the privileged! If they come down, she'll have it good. How many of you can say the same? We can take care of ourselves. That wristband on your arm? It makes you a prisoner. We are not prisoners any more! They say they'll forgive your crimes, I say you're not criminals! You're fighters! Survivors! The grounders should worry about us!" His speech was met with many 'yeahs' from the crowd.

Bellamy's speech only made Violets insecurities go up. I'm privileged, maybe that's why he won't listen to me, she thought.

As Clarke and and Wells walked away, Bellamy made his way to his girls. When he saw the look on Violets face, he grew worried. "What's wrong angel?" She just shook her head and went to get something to clean up Octavia's leg with.

✶✶✶

Violet was crouched down in front of Octavia, cleaning her wound as Bellamy was standing above both of them. "What the hell was it," he asked O.

"I don't know, the others said it looked like a giant snake." Her words making Violet grimace.

"You could have been killed," Bellamy scolded.

"She would have been if Jasper didn't jump in to pull her out." Clarke's voice sounded from behind the three.

"You guys leaving? I'm coming too." Octavia went to stand up only to be pushed back down by her brother.,

"No, no. No way, not again."

"He's right. you're leg's just going to slow us down. I'm here for you." the blonde said looking at Bellamy.

"Clarke what are you doing?"

"Clarke what are you doing," Violet repeated the boys words.

"I heard you have a gun" Bellamy lifted up his shirt showing proof. Violet may or may not have checked him out while he did it. "Good, follow me."

"And why would I do that?"

Clarke turned back, "Because you want them to follow you, and right now they're thinking only one of us is scared." With that, she walked off.

Violet tried to discreetly follow after the blonde, failing miserably as her boyfriend noticed her escape attempt immediately, grabbing her arm. "And where do you think you're going?"

"I'm going to go help them find Jasper."

"No way in hell"

"Bellamy"

"No" he tightened his grip on her arm.

"Just because we're dating doesn't mean you can control me," Violet told him. She was fed up with him acting like he could order her around.

"You want to bet on that angel?" Bellamy raised his eyebrow at his girl. Daring her to keep arguing with him.

"I'm going Bellamy. With, or without you." Violet managed to get her arm free and ran to catch up with Clarke and Wells. Bellamy growled lowly, angry and honestly turned on by his girlfriends little act of defiance.

"Murphy. Come with me." "Atom? My sister doesn't leave this camp. Is that clear?"

"I don't need a babysitter"

"Anybody touches her, they answer to me" "Lets go"

✶✶✶

"Angel wait up," Bellamy yelled. Violet rolled her eyes but stopped, waiting for the two boy to catch up. "You stay in my sight at all times"

"Whatever Bell"

"I mean it Violet"

"Okay, I get it. Let's just go find Jasper."

Murphy directed his question at Bellamy, "Since when are we in the rescuing business?"

"The Ark thinks the prince is dead. Once they think the princess is too, they'll never come down." "I'm getting that wristband, even if I have to cut off her hand to do it."

"And what about your pretty little angel here, she is Kane's daughter." Murphy looked over at Violet smirking and then winking at her.

"Come near me and I'll castrate you," Violet spoke trying to sound as intimidating as possible.

"My pretty little Angel will hopefully choose to take of her wristband soon," Bellamy said looking at her.

"My dad's up there Bell, I don't want him to think I'm dead." Violet said as she stared back at him with her big doe eyes. Bellamy nodded understandingly, pulling her close to him and kissing her cheek as the three walked together in search of the boy with the goggles.

Much more Violet/Bellamy interaction in this part! Hopefully I'll get a chapter or two posted everyday.

[hyperion-moonbabe-art3mis]

Virago 35. Finally Justice

Summary: Y/N was sent to the ground after spending five years in the Skybox for stealing medical supplies and murder. How will she deal with her new environment and learn to survive on earth? Will she crack under the pressure of becoming a leader of the 100 or will she embrace it. 

Post Date: 08.13.2021

Word count: 1.4k

Based off: 03x10 “Fallen

Pairing: Bellamy Blake x Reader

Masterlist

100 Master List

You all head back to the cave that you and Octavia had taken Bellamy to. “Where’s Lincoln?” Bellamy asks.

“Pike put a bullet in his brain,” Octavia says trying her hardest not to break down.

“O...O, I am so sorry,” Bellamy says right before Octavia connects her fist with his face. Bellamy doesn’t speak a word as Octavia continually lands punches on his face.

“Octavia, that’s enough,” Kane says.

“Kane, stay out of this,” Bellamy responds, accepting his fate. Octavia then begins to beat him even harder, letting out as much rage as possible. Even though Bellamy was the reason for Lincoln’s death, it wasn’t the easiest to watch his little sister punch him over and over again.

“Stop, that’s enough,” Miller says knowing the group couldn’t bear to standby. He tried to pull Octavia away but was just pushed back by a heartbroken and sobbing Octavia.

“Miller, back off,” Bellamy says. Octavia still punches her brother.

“You’re dead to me,” Octavia says to Bellamy before walking away to cool off. After everything seemed to have settled down, you all gather to make a plan on what the next steps are.

“I say, we run two-man patrols, round the clock, starting now.,” Bryan suggests.

“We’ll do that but we should be safe here. The grounder blockade’s too close for Pike to risk looking for us,” Kane says.

“Yeah, but are we safe from the blockade?” Bryan questions reasonably.

“As long as we stay on this side of the line, we should be,” Kane reassures.

“They’re grounders, you really think they’re gonna play by the rules?” Bryan asks.

“Hey, Pike will want you dead now, too. We take him out, we can go home,” Miller says.

“We take him out, then the grounders lift the blockade,” You add.

“That’s right. We become the 13th clan, again. Those were the terms.

“Lexa’s terms. If what Bellamy says is true and she’s dead, how do we know the next commander will honor them?” Sinclair asks.

“One problem at a time,” Kane answers.

“What about Clarke? With Lexa gone, she’s not safe at Polis,” Miller asks.

“Clarke made her choice,” You say.

“The only thing that matters now is killing Pike,” Octavia says breaking her silence.

“Octavia’s right. Once we resume our place in the commander’s coalition, Clarke will be safe, so how do we do it?” Kane asks you all.

“Bellamy, come in. It’s Monty, I’m in trouble. Please say you still have your radio,” You hear Monty say over the radio.

“If we respond and Pike’s listening--” Sinclair starts.

“We go to channel 7. ‘Please say you still have your radio.’ That’s seven words after the word “trouble.” It’s code, go to seven,” Bellamy interrupts. Everyone seems unsure until Kane gives the go-ahead to do so. Sinclair turns the radio to channel 7 and hands it to Kane.

“Bellamy, are you there?” Monty asks again.

“Monty, it’s Kane. What’s wrong?” Kane says answering for Bellamy.

“Pike knows that I helped you get out,” Monty says.

“Can you get to the dropship?” Kane asks.

“I think so,” He responds.

“Good. Go there, I’ll bring you in. Stay off the radio. Over and out,” Kane says.

“Hold on, what if it’s a trap and Pike’s waiting?” Harper asks.

“That’s why I’m going alone,” Kane says.

“Like hell you are,” Octavia protests.

“I agree with Octavia. That’s stupid and dangerous,” You say.

“I’m with Octavia and Y/N. Monty saved our lives. I’m going too,” Miller says.

“No, you’re not. If it is a trap, I’m not marching our entire insurgency into it,” Kane says.

“To stop me, you’re gonna have to kill me,” Octavia says.

“She hopes it’s a trap,” Bellamy says.

“He’s coming, too. We’ll need a hostage to trade for Monty,” Octavia says. Seeing as there is no way to convince Octavia otherwise, Kane agrees with her plan.

“He stays chained, gag him,” Kane says.

“Sir, with all due respect--” Miller starts.

“He’s the enemy. Do what I said,” Kane says, giving you no choice. You all then prepare to make your way to the dropship, but the rest stay behind in case.. Kane, Octavia, and Bellamy head into the opening as you hide.

“Monty?” Kane yells out, but no appearance or response.

“Get outside! Now!” Octavia yells after taking a hold of Bellamy. Soon enough Monty appears, but so does a gun behind his head with Pike holding it.

“He followed me. I’m sorry,” Monty says.

“Let him go, Pike,” Kane says.

“Can’t do that,” Pike says before a gunshot hits by their feet. You quickly look to see where it came from. “It’s over. Put down your weapons. Come on, Marcus,” Pike says and another bullet hits the ground by their feet. “I promised Monty’s mother that I’d bring him home alive. Don’t make me a liar,” Pike says. Kane then lowers his gun and tosses it away from himself. “Now, you,” Pike says to Octavia. 

Octavia doesn’t obey and instead moves her machete to the front of Bellamy’s throat. Bellamy then takes her arm and wraps it around, not letting her get leverage and the rest of Pikes group comes out of into the clearing, handcuffing Octavia. Pike comes up to Bellamy, but they’re talking too quietly for you to hear. 

“You son of a ---” Octavia yells as she’s hit with a baton after Bellamy says something.

“Sir. I found one more,” A man says as he pulls you out of the bushes. They don’t hesitate to handcuff you and bring you with the others. Bellamy leads the way back to the cave, with Pike’s people.

“Sure about the route?” Pike asks Bellamy. “We’re getting close to the blockade line,”

“That’s why Kane set up out here. He didn’t think we’d risk it,” Bellamy says.

“Well, he was wrong,” Pike responds.

“What’s gonna happen to my sister and Y/N? I know they have to answer for their crimes, but--” Bellay asks.

“I’ll tell you what. I’ll make you the same promise I made to Monty’s mother. But this will only apply to Octavia, Y/N still has to answer for her crimes.  Immunity from all past actions, but if she screws up again--,” Pike says.

“Oh, she won’t. I’ll make sure of it. My sister, my responsibility. But what about Y/N’s punishment,” Bellamy says.

“I’ll have to talk to the rest. It depends on what all of her accusations are,” Pike says. Bellamy stays silent, you guess that he doesn’t know how to respond.

You all continue to trek through the forest getting closer and closer to the blockade. “Hold on,” Pike says, feeling like something is off.

“The cave’s just on the other side,” Bellamy says. You’re not exactly sure what he was planning, but you are awfully close to the blockade.

“Keep a sharp eye out,” Pike says to his men as Bellamy moves into the clearing. You and the rest of the group move gingerly into the clearing. Soon enough you hear a horn go off.

“The blockade. Anybody got eyes?” Pike yells.

“I got nothing,” A man says.

“Back to higher ground,” Pike says turning towards the hill.

“Drop your weapon,” Bellamy says taking Pikes handgun from his holster.

“What the hell are you doing?” Pike asks.

“Drop your weapon!” Bellamy yells. You notice Pike’s men starting to turn to hold their guns towards you, so you and Octavia fight back despite your hands being bound.

“We bring you Chancellor Pike of the Sky People. O, translate,” Bellamy says. Octavia pulls out her gag and translates.

“You’ve killed us all,” Pike says to Bellamy.

“Take him. Lift this blockade,” Bellamy says. Octavia translates and the archers take out Pike’s people, before coming in for an ambush. Octavia goes in to kill Pike, but Kane stops her.

Pike tries to go for Bellamy’s gun, but a grounder archer puts an arrow in his shoulder and another one knocks him out.

“Where are you taking him?” Kane asks and the grounders pick Pike up.

“To the new Commander,” The grounder says.

“May I join you?” Kane asks and shows his mark of the 13th clan. “We’re the 13th clan,” 

“Don’t slow us down,” The man says and walks away.

“Are you sure? We know nothing about the new commander,” You ask.

“I’m sure. Go home. Tell our people what happened here. Tell Abby, I’ll look out for Clarke,” Kane says and heads off with the grounders after talking to Bellamy. The rest of you gather everything up and head back to Arkadia.

A/N: We’re back in the world of the 100. I hope you all enjoyed this part! I’m sorry if Y/N doesn’t have like a ton of parts right now, I’m trying to figure out what to exactly do with she/he/they during this time. Although, I do have a plan for later in the series.

🏷: @misfortunatem00n  | @zestylemon99 | @mystic-writings​ | @thebeautifulbookworm | @wintrfld | @simonsbluee | @iwishilivedinthesims | @awkwardspontaneity​ | @hurricane-abigail​ | @how-does-this-work​ | @lizlil​ | @vxidnik​ | @hh0n3yppie​

[slytherinbarnes]

Sub Rosa [99]

xv. the dying of the light 

Pairing: Bellamy Blake x reader

Word Count: 6.0k

Warnings: language, mentions of blood, angst, Cadogan is a piece of shit, anxiety, fighting, death, just some very sad, very heavy stuff.

Summary: bellamy is gone, gabriel is gone, and now madi has disappeared. desperation rises as you all race to save madi before she too is taken from you.

a/n: sorry, but my brain is struggling to process that this is number 99!!!!! i swear i just posted episode 1 like last week? how is this possible? the taglist for this series is open! I hope you enjoy, please let me know what you think!!!

previous chapter // season masterlist // series masterlist

The first thing you realize is that Miller saved all of your lives with his quick thinking. You turn and meet his gaze, grateful that he was fast enough to get the bomb behind one of the solid doors. “Thank you.”

He nods in acknowledgment, before another soft rumble settles through the room, and the door the bomb is behind starts to groan softly. Which brings you to the second realization, that in saving all of your lives, Miller possibly doomed the others. Because the door he threw the bomb behind is the door that leads to the rest of the bunker. It’s the door that leads to the stone, in the rec room with Jackson, Murphy, Emori, and Raven. 

Miller immediately pries the door in question off the hinges with one of the spears from the arena, revealing a doorway of stacked concrete, confirming what you already knew. The others are trapped down below, and the rest of you are trapped up here. You have access to the outside, but no way to reach the stone or the rest of your friends. You turn to look at Clarke, seeking out her counsel, despite still being angry with her. She gives you a desperate look, before a look of realization passes over her face. “We can still get to Madi.”

She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a small vial, three blue pills inside. You recognize them immediately as nano trackers, likely brought over by Sheidheda, the same ones Cadogan used to leave the bunker. Clarke unscrews the bottle and immediately dumps one out, preparing to swallow it, but Gaia closes the space between them and stops her hand from dropping the pill into her mouth. “Clarke, we have to think this through.”

“Gaia's right. Only the second pill’s for me.” Clarke looks over at you in surprise, not expecting you to take her side after what she did. But she killed Bellamy to protect Madi, and if something happens to Madi, then Bellamy and Gabriel died for nothing. All of it was for nothing. You refuse to let their deaths be in vain, which is why you hold your hand out for one of the pills, and Clarke quickly passes one to you. Behind you, Octavia speaks up, moving closer to you and Clarke. “We're gonna need an inside man.”

You both understand her statement for what it is: an offer to go with the two of you, so Clarke hands Octavia the third and final pill. All of you swallow them, one after the next, Octavia the last to do so, and you stand staring at each other, waiting to instantly disappear the way that Cadogan did. 

Except, you don’t.

The three of you stay firmly in place, looking at each other in absolute confusion. “Cadogan disappeared right away.”

“Why isn't this working?”

Hope answers you and Clarke both, shrugging a little as she does. “Maybe somebody has to be waiting in Bardo to pull you through.”

A strange look passes over Clarke’s face, half anger, half amusement, before settling into one of determination. She crosses the room in three strides, stopping at the door to the rest of the bunker, clamping her hands down on the first piece of stone she sees. She pulls, letting out a cry of effort as she does, the concrete moving nowhere. She tries again, her hands slipping off the stone, likely scratching her the way they did when the two of you tried to dig to this very same bunker, and you shake your head before moving towards her. “Clarke.”

She doesn’t turn around, determinedly yanking at the stones and sliding off them, making no progress, going nowhere, but still trying nonetheless. “We have to get to Madi! Cadogan could be digging into her brain right now.”

You reach out for her, grabbing her arm and spinning her towards you. “Clarke! We spent days trying to dig our way to the bunker before we nearly died in that collapse, and this is no different. You’re gonna dislodge a stone and get yourself killed if you keep this up, and you’re no use to Madi if you’re dead.”

She sets her jaw, and you think she’s about to start a fight with you before her eyes drop and her gaze softens. “Your shoulder.”

You peer down at your shoulder and the blood staining your shirt, the wound from Sheidheda still bleeding, the pain forgotten to you in the chaos of everything that’s happened since then. “It’s nothing.”

You try to shrug her off, stepping away from her, not wanting her comfort or her help, but she reaches out to grab your arm, her hand closing around one of the cuts on your forearm. She can feel the wetness on her hand as soon as she grabs you, and she immediately lets go of you and looks at you in alarm. “La lune!”

She grabs your hand and turns your arm over, eyes scanning the cuts on both of your forearms. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I honestly can't feel it. Adrenaline and all that.”

“Come here.” She tries to pull you to the side, and you don’t budge at first, but she gives you one of those looks that lets you know this is not negotiable, because your own words apply to you in this moment. You’re no good to Madi dead, and bleeding to death because you’re mad at Clarke is not the way to go. So when she tugs you to the side a second time, you let her, and she motions for you to sit across from her as she tears strips of cloth from the bottom of her shirt. The tension between the two of you temporarily melts away as she ties makeshift bandages around your forearms and shoulder, your access to real bandages nonexistent. You sit quietly as she fixes you up the best she can, before she finally breaks the silence to whisper, “I’m sorry about Bellamy, I swear I am. I didn’t want to do it, but I had to, to protect Madi. You can hate me forever, la lune, I’ll understand.”

You sit in silence for a second, weighing her words, and you can tell from the anguish in her voice that she means it. But that doesn't erase all of your feelings instantly, as much as you wish it did. You wish you could erase the hurt and the grief and the anger, but you can’t. It’s still raw and open, weighing on you at every moment. “Clarke, you’re my shining star. You’re a part of me. I understand why you did what you did, and I understand why you feel like it was the only choice. But that doesn't change the fact that Bellamy is dead and you pulled the trigger. I don't hate you, I don't think I ever could, but I don't forgive you either, at least not yet. Hopefully one day I’ll forgive you and we can move past this, but right now, I'm too damn hurt and angry.”

She nods her head, looking up at you with tears in her eyes. “I understand. If it helps, I regret it. I don't think I’d do it again, especially if I knew that Madi was just gonna turn herself in despite everything.”

You say nothing for a long second, your voice a soft whisper, cracking with emotion when you say, “I just wish I could have said goodbye. I gave him back the ring, you know, and he died thinking I didn't love him, but I do. I love him with my whole heart, my entire being. He’s my soulmate, and he died thinking that I hate him.”

You feel your bottom lip quiver before tears start to spill down your face, and you see tears in Clarke’s eyes before she pulls you in for a hug, holding you as you cry for Bellamy. And in this moment, you allow yourself to forget what happened to him, focusing only on the fact that he’s gone. You allow your twin to comfort you, hold you close, softly humming Clair de lune in your ear until you start to calm down again. And even after the two of you break apart, you stay side by side, unable to leave each other’s side, even now, when everything between you is tense and weird.

Indra is the first to break the silence and tension hanging over the room. “We should discuss the plan. Clarke, la lune, and Octavia bring us over. We get Madi and kill their leader.”

Gaia jumps down from the perch she was on, walking towards her mother. “Killing Cadogan won't change anything.”

“He can't chase us if he's dead.”

She shakes her head at Indra trying to get her to understand. “You've seen faith, Mother. You kill the Commander, another takes her place. You kill the Fleimkepa, another takes his place. Faith doesn't just die, it gets carried forward. Cadogan's people are no different.”

Miller asks the question that you’re all beginning to wonder. “Then how does this end?”

“Bellamy asked that question, too.” You all look towards Octavia, the mood sobering even further at the mention of Bellamy. “One Last War, and then we transcend and we become the light.”

Across the room, Jordan breaks his silence. “It's a beautiful idea, but fighting is not how we get there. War is a failure of everything. Which is why it's a test, not a war.”

“Test, war, test, war. The disciples have been studying the Bardo texts for over 1,000 years. You really think you know better?”

Jordan turns to Hope, answering her question with complete confidence. “Yes. And it's not just that I read some old books, I felt it. That red sun toxin showed me something. I couldn't figure it out, but I knew it was important, and then I read the Bardo texts, and it hit me... the next step in human evolution.”

You can feel Clarke going more restless with each passing second, until she abruptly stands and snaps, “Nonsense.”

Everyone turns to face her after the outburst, but she avoids everyone’s eyes as she stalks up the ramp towards the exit. “All that matters now is saving Madi and killing Cadogan. There's no Last War or test. Bellamy's dead because he believed that crap, and I've heard enough!”

You look after her retreating figure, wondering if you should go after her. Everything between the two of you is weird, and your anger is telling you to stay, bristling at the casual way she mentioned Bellamy’s death. But your softer side, the part of you that’s connected to her, it’s telling you to go after her, comfort her, despite what she did. Gaia seems to sense your conflict, because she steps towards you with a smile and whispers, “I got it.”

You nod in thanks, relieved that you don’t have to decide, before sitting back down and beginning the excruciating process of waiting once more. You’re quickly realizing that there’s nothing you hate more than waiting: waiting to fight, waiting to escape, waiting to die. Because waiting is usually silent, and that silence easily morphs into your regrets, and fears, and worries. It’s when you think about everything you've done wrong and everything you haven't yet gotten the chance to do. There’s time to think of who you’ve killed and who you’ve lost, which opens up the door to the painful memories that usually stay locked deep in your brain, in that place you try to keep hidden from everyone, including yourself. 

Waiting is suffocating, and in the time you’ve spent on Earth, Sanctum, Skyring, and Bardo, you’ve already done too much of it. 

You stand, starting to pace around the rotunda, the way Bellamy used to pace when he first got back from space. The same habit he turned to when he had to wait. And as your feet move you around the room in continuous circles, you start to understand. It’s rhythmic, the way your feet carry you across the floor, boots thudding softly against the metal, and each time you walk past Hope, the thuds stutter, your footsteps softened by an uneven spot on the floor. 

As you pace around the room, you force your mind to stay on the safe topics. The ones that don't involve painful memories or the ghosts that seem to stalk you. Instead, you keep things light, reciting constellations and medicinal plants, anything to keep your mind occupied. A few times you slip up, your thoughts drifting to what Bellamy was thinking in his final moments, as he bled out on Sanctum alone. You start to worry about Madi and what she’s going through without you, cursing yourself for not getting to her sooner and stopping her from leaving. You think about Gabriel and his final words to you, what they meant... You shake your head, clearing the spiral of memories and grief, shifting back to your safe topics, ignoring the thoughts that are begging to pull you down.

You only pause your pacing once, when Clarke and Gaia come out of the decontamination room and take up a spot on the ramp, sitting across from each other cross legged, Gaia talking to your twin softly. You resume your pacing, glancing at them every few minutes, realizing that Gaia must be teaching Clarke to calm her mind the way she taught Madi to. 

But Clarke’s peace is short lived, and within minutes she’s standing, her voice rising as she glares down at Gaia. “How do you expect me to focus right now when my daughter is out there, probably being tortured right now?”

“You think I don't know that?” Gaia stands abruptly, and you pause your pacing to watch them. She gives Clarke an anguished look, her voice dropping slightly when she adds, “I love her too, Clarke.”

A look of sympathy passes over Clarke’s face before she reaches out and pulls the former Flamekeeper into a hug. “I know, I know, I'm sorry.”

You’re about to start pacing again, the conflict seemingly resolved, when you catch a glimpse of green around Clarke. She pulls away from Gaia, her hands starting to disappear, and she turns to look at you with a smile. “It's working.”

Clarke disappears in a haze of emerald, leaving you to turn and look at Octavia, “I’m next.”

Miller yells out to you, “La lune, catch!”

You turn towards him, catching the pistol he tosses your way, seconds before you too fade away from the bunker. All around you, the world is green, bright and hazy, until it fades into a darker hue. It takes a second for you to realize that you’re not in the Stone Room, but in the oxygen farm, surrounded by an army of disciples, all of them pointing weapons right at you and Clarke. You raise the pistol that Miller tossed to you, you and Clarke aiming back at the disciples, and Octavia appears a second later, instantly lifting her rifle.

A disciple near the font of the armed group looks towards you and loudly yells, “Drop your weapons! Hands in the air!”

Octavia drops her weapon first, lifting her hands in surrender, and you and Clarke exchange a look before you both follow suit. Despite not wanting to surrender to the disciples, you both know you have no choice, and if you choose to take a stand here, it will only result in the three of you ending up dead. So you both drop your weapons and lift your hands in the air, following the commands of the disciples as they close in on you. The three of you are restrained and led past the waiting army, through the oxygen farm and the halls of Bardo until you’re delivered to a cell.

They release all three of you in one room, and you stand there for a minute, stunned by what just happened. “Why did we show up in the oxygen farm?”

Clarke shakes her head, “I don't know. But they’re preparing for a war, which means they have Madi and she’s in trouble.”

She plops down onto the nearest bed in frustration, dropping her head into her hands before she starts to softly cry. Octavia sits down beside her, offering her comfort, the moment soon overshadowed by someone singing. And not just someone, Sheidheda. He sings the Grounder Anthem, “Take a Life With Me”, over and over on a loop, until there is no sadness left in your prison cell, only frustration. 

You take up pacing again as nothing you do drowns out the awful, annoying sound, which continues repeatedly, until you’re sure you’re about to lose your mind. You can sense Clarke growing tense too, her body starting to fidget more and more until she finally yells out, “Shut up!”

But Sheidheda doesn't shut up, he just keeps singing without a care in the world. Clarke looks at you with worry and frustration, her eyes wide, her nerves frazzled. “We did all that just to end up back here, locked up in a cell next to Sheidheda.”

“We'll get Madi back.” You don’t say anything beyond that, your anger at her now back in full force now that you’re back in Bardo, but you do let out a sigh, frustrated that your emotions are so all over the place. You wonder what Anders would say about you now, watching you pace the room like a caged animal, angry and frustrated and ready to destroy Bardo if you have to.

You’re pulled back to the present by Clarke sighing loudly, looking doubtful about your assurance of finding Madi, which Octavia notices. She puts a hand on Clarke’s knee, whose gaze shifts over to the younger Blake. “Think about it: someone brought us here. That means we have help on the inside, it's just a matter of time.”

Clarke nods, contemplating her words, realizing the truth to them, and she’s quiet for a moment before whispering, “Thank you.”

Something about her tone makes you pause, and you stop in front of her as Clarke’s gaze shifts between you and Octavia. “Both of you. Thank you for offering to come.”

Octavia answers first, “I told you I get it now, what she means to you. It's what Hope means to me.”

“It's what we meant to Bellamy.” Clarke and Octavia look towards you, the mood dampening the way it does when you all remember that Bellamy is gone, for real this time. You’re surprised you even said it, and you have to fight against the tears that are threatening to rise, glancing between the two women you call sister. “We were everything to him.”

Octavia whispers, “That's how I'll remember him.”

Clarke reaches out to grab your hand and you let her, before she reaches for Octavia’s hand too, the three of you sitting together as a small human chain, mourning the loss of Bellamy. And as the three of you mourn, tears streaming down your faces, the door to your cell opens. Clarke and Octavia stand beside you and turn to see Levitt hovering near the entrance, smiling at Octavia. She moves towards him, and as the pair hugs, you get a flash of disappointment. Part of you hoped that it would be Bellamy here to save you, despite seeing his body bleeding out on the palace floor in Sanctum. Something you remind yourself of as Clarke mutters, “Hate to interrupt, but we need to get to Madi. What’s the plan?”

Levitt and Octavia pull apart, and he looks between the three of you, growing anxious. “I don't know. Isn't this your guys' specialty? How would you do it?”

Octavia thinks for a second and then says, “Use the suits, go invisible.”

“No, that won't work. Too many disciples with helmets around.”

Clarke shrugs, “Then we come in hot, and we take them all out.”

You shake your head, instantly disagreeing. If the disciples are preparing for a war, then Clarke’s right. Madi is in danger now. You have no doubt that you, Clarke, and Octavia could come in and take the disciples out with ease, but how long will that give you? Five minutes? Ten? It’s loud and it’s messy, and it’ll put a target on your backs. You need a distraction, something to pull the disciples away from M-Cap, giving the four of you time to find Madi and get her to safety. You search your brain for a different plan, struggling to come up with anything, thanks to Sheidheda’s obnoxious singing. 

And that’s when it comes to you. 

You look between the three of them, smiling, pointing to the room next door. “Or we create a distraction.”

Realization passes over each of their faces, and you know you’re all on the same page. “Good idea.” 

Levitt heads to the door of your cell and reaches for a bag that he left behind, tossing each of you a gun before leading you from your room and to the next cell over. He quickly pulls the door scanner from the wall, attaching a few wires to a tablet from his bag and typing in a code. He removes the tablet and tucks it away before reattaching the scanner and pushing the button. The door to Sheidheda’s cell slides open, and you, Clarke, and Octavia go in weapons hot, aiming directly at the man in the room. He stops singing when he hears your entrance, turning slowly to look at the three of you glaring in anger, Levitt waiting just behind you. “Well, since no one's shooting, I suppose that means you need me.”

He laughs a little and stands to his feet, musing, “What would Madi think?”

Clarke lowers her gun and lunges at him, intending to hit him, but you reach out and grab her arm to stop her. “Clarke!”

Sheidheda laughs, looking you over, taking in your bandages and the blood that’s still on your face, a mix of Gabriel’s and your own. “I got the doctor good, didn't I? Tell me, did he make it?”

And this time, it’s your turn to lunge, dropping Clarke’s arm and reaching for the man, seeing only red, your anger raw with grief. But Octavia grabs you, pulling you back, yelling out, “That’s enough, all of you! We need to stop Cadogan.”

You take a breath, calming yourself, aware that you need the man in front of you to save your niece and stop Cadogan from winning. Which means, for now, you’ll play alongside him. But if he makes it out of here and you get the chance, you’ll kill him for what he did to Gabriel and Madi. 

Sheidheda shrugs at Octavia’s words, growling a little, “I tried, and for my troubles, they locked me up here.”

Clarke doesn't care, blowing past his complaint to snap, “Here's the deal. I'd love to kill you, but you're right, we need you. We set you loose, and you draw the disciples away from M-Cap.”

“I'm not some petty distraction. I'm the high king of Sanctum.”

You roll your eyes, “Okay, Your Highness. Then we walk out of here and lock the door behind us.”

He sneers at you, giving you an annoyed smile. “Hmm, distraction it is.”

You motion towards the door with your gun. “Then let’s go.”

Levitt leads the way to M-Cap, the rest of you keeping your guns trained on Sheidheda, but you stop when you reach the last few hallways to your destination. You can hear people nearby, likely standing guard or prepping for the war, and you motion towards Sheidheda as you all duck out of sight. He smiles before he steps away, and you can hear the moment he catches sight of the disciples. “Attention, sheep. I'm here to kill your Shepherd.”

You can hear one of the guards yelling commands, followed immediately by the sounds of fighting. Gunshots ring out in the air, accented by screams of pain, but you all stay hidden in a nearby corridor until the sounds grow fainter and fainter, Sheidheda clearing the halls ahead of you. Once you hear no more fighting, you tentatively slip from your hiding spot and walk down the hall, rounding the corner to find blood splashed along the walls and dead bodies scattered everywhere. You shake your head at the violent scene in front of you, thinking that surely Sheidheda didn’t need to be so brutal. Still, he got the job done, because there’s no one in sight to stop your approach.

Unfortunately, there is also no sign of Sheidheda. “He's not here?”

Clarke turns to look back at Octavia. “We knew that was a possibility, we'll deal with Sheidheda later.”

Levitt looks around at the bodies littering the floor, carefully stepping around dark red puddles of blood, his voice horrified when he whispers, “I grew up with these people.”

“That's war, Levitt.” Octavia turns to glance at him, offering him no sympathy for the horror he’s experiencing. “It looks exciting in hologram mode, but this is the reality.”

Clarke shakes her head, grabbing a few grenades as she walks past the bodies, barely glancing back at the couple as she continues on her way. “Come on. Right now, all that matters is getting to Madi.”

You all follow her down the halls towards M-Cap, your guns raised, ready for a fight with each new hallway you turn down. But you find no one, this section of Bardo completely empty, everyone gone in pursuit of Sheidheda. “Looks like our diversion worked.”

As you reach the door to M-Cap, Clarke nods towards it. “Levitt, you go in first. They won't see you as a threat.”

He nods, and Octavia quickly pushes the button to the room, and as the door slides open, you all get into position and step inside behind Levitt. The first thing you notice is that someone is humming, the tune comforting and familiar. The second thing you notice is Madi, sprawled out in the M-Cap chair, someone’s arms around her. And when that someone looks up, you swear you’re dreaming. 

Because it looks like Bellamy.

“Bellamy?” You freeze in place, the gun in your hand clattering to the floor as you stare at him in shock. He looks up at all of you, his expression surprised, clearly not expecting to see you here. He’s out of the white robes and into a white top and bottom combo, the same thing that Gabriel used to wear, and you’re relieved to see no blood on his clothes. He looks a little tired, and his curly hair is unruly, flopped all over the place, but he looks fine. Healthy even, no sign that he was recently dead. 

Clarke seemingly breezes past the fact that Bellamy is alive and well, her gaze solely focused on Madi, and he releases his hold on her to allow Clarke the room to take over. He stands, looking at you closely, his expression blank for a moment, and you worry that he’s even more brainwashed than the last time you saw him. But then his expression morphs into one of relief, and he steps around the M-Cap chair to walk towards you. “La lune.”

His voice is warm and thick with affection and emotion, and you start to run towards him, tears welling up in your eyes as he jogs towards you. He meets you halfway across the room, scooping you up in his arms and spinning you once, before putting your feet firmly back on the ground, his arms holding you tight. He tucks his head into the crook of your neck, and you can hear him crying as he whispers, “I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry. I should have never betrayed you. I should’ve listened to you.”

“It’s okay, it’s okay.” You pull away to look at him, tears running down his face and your own, and you whisper, “I love you. Oh my god, I love you, and I'm sorry I left you. I didn't want to, but-”

He cuts you off, “No, you were right to leave me. And you were right about Cadogan.”

It’s like the words remind him of something, and he turns to look at the others. “Levitt, something is wrong with Madi. Cadogan did something to her.”

You all turn to look at him in shock. “What?”

Levitt immediately crosses the room to grab the glasses that the disciples use for M-Cap, and for the first time since grabbing her, Clarke pulls away from Madi, realizing that Bellamy’s right, something is wrong with her. You miss the reunion between the Blake siblings as you rush over to your niece, though you can hear them quietly talking behind you. You look down at Madi in horror, catching onto what Bellamy meant. Madi’s eyes are open, but her expression and her eyes are blank, no sign of recognition in either of them. Her heartbeat is strong, but her body is limp, moving only when one of you moves her. 

Clarke looks at you with tears in her eyes, and you feel tears in your own, both of you starting to cry as Clarke turns her teary expression back to Madi. “Madi, look at me. Say something. Please say something.”

Madi remains frozen, and Clarke lets out a panicked yell, “Say something!”

But still, Madi doesn't move, and Clarke pulls her into her arms, holding her tight as she sobs, rocking her back and forth, “Oh, my baby. My baby. My baby.”

You start to cry harder, not wanting to hear or see Clarke’s heartbreak, not wanting to see Madi’s blank expression, but you can't look away. You don't look away when you feel Bellamy slide up beside you, slipping his hand into your own, you don't look away when you hear Octavia and Levitt talking quietly behind you. You keep your eyes on your little sun and your shining star, unable to do anything other than cry at the scene before you. 

Clarke lays Madi back down, before turning her teary face back to you, her eyes landing on Bellamy in the process.  You see surprise pass over her face, meaning she really didn't register his presence when you all stepped into the room. But her surprise turns to anger as she glares at him, “What happened? What did he do to her?”

Bellamy shakes his head, looking just as upset as the rest of you, tears streaming down his face too. “I don’t know. When I heard she was here, I came looking for her immediately. She was like this when I found her. Cadogan was already gone.”

“You said you’d keep her safe!”

Bellamy stutters a little, his voice thick with emotion. “I tried, Clarke, but I woke up in a hospital bed. I left as soon as I heard she was here, but it must have been hours after her arrival by that point.”

Clarke’s expression turns horrified as she takes in the weight of his words. He got to her as soon as he could to try to help her. But the reason it took him so long to reach her is because he was in a hospital bed. Put there by Clarke. You reach out for her, squeezing her shoulder to stop her train of thought. “Hey, hey, hey, this is not your fault. This is Cadogan’s fault.”

Bellamy whispers, “You couldn't have known.”

And though he doesn't outright say it, you know that his words are forgiveness. Bellamy offers his forgiveness to Clarke for shooting him, her anguish over Madi punishment enough. He offers her the olive branch, and it’s up to her to take it. Thankfully, she does, looking at Bellamy with genuine regret. “I shouldn't have shot you, Bellamy. I panicked, and didn't know what to do.”

“No, you were right to. I don't blame you for shooting me, it was part of a wake up call for me. La lune giving me back her ring, you shooting me, finding Madi like this, they all woke me up to the truth about Cadogan: he’s a monster. A psychopath obsessed with being worshipped, just like he was on Earth.”

And everything is simultaneously okay and not okay, because the confession is big, but none of you get the time to respond to it, because Octavia steps up beside Clarke, looking between all of you. “She can hear you. She knows you're here.”

Clarke nods and turns back towards Madi, trying to hide her tears as she smiles. “Hey, baby, I'm here. I'm right here.”

You lean down into Madi’s line of sight, doing the same to mask your hurt as you whisper, “Hey there, little sun. Ani’s here too.”

Clarke turns to face Levitt, who’s still standing off to the side. “Is it recoverable?”

“What? I-” The question catches him off guard, not sure if he should answer, but after a second, he solemnly shakes his head. “No. The areas of her brain responsible for voluntary movement have been destroyed. I'm sorry.”

The words make all of you start to cry harder, now faced with the reality that Cadogan has paralyzed Madi permanently in the pursuit of transcendence. It's enough to make you sick to your stomach. But that feeling only intensifies as Clarke glances off to the side, where her discarded pistol now lays, and after a moment of thought, she leans down to get it. You know exactly what she’s thinking because you know her better than she knows herself, and you shake your head, your voice soft and firm. “Clarke, no.”

She starts to cry harder, her hands shakily lifting the gun, determined to do what she thinks is right for Madi. But the sight breaks your heart, as Clarke can barely hold the gun steady, too overcome with emotion. Your twin that has bore it so the rest of you don't have to is breaking, and you know you need to be there for her. Which is why you drop Bellamy’s hand and reach out for the gun. “I’ll do it.”

She looks at you, expression heartbroken but hopeful, and you whisper, “I'm not letting you live with this.”

She nods a little, passing you the gun, which you take with now shaky hands. Clarke reaches out for Madi, putting a hand on either side of her face as she whispers, “I love you so much. Don't be scared, just listen to my voice, okay?”

And just like Bellamy was doing before all of you arrived, she starts to hum Clair de lune, ducking her head beside Madi’s so she can't see her tears. You lift the gun with a shaky hand, your own tears blurring your vision, aiming the pistol at her chest. But as you stare down at the blank expression of your little sun, you don't think you can do it, the burden too great for any of you to bear. You start to cry harder, a sob escaping from your chest, and Clarke looks over at you, nodding a little, letting you know that it’s okay, it’s time. 

But you can’t. You stare down at Madi’s face, reminded of the girl that couldn't speak English when you met her, who caught Clarke with a bear trap. The little girl you taught how to drive, how to fight. The girl who inspired an army to fight for Shallow Valley. You shake your head a little, unable to do it, your hand starting to lower again. But then Bellamy reaches out and closes his hand over your own. You look back at him, and he looks at you, tears falling down his face as he whispers, “Together.”

You nod, and the two of you turn to face Madi, lifting the gun to aim right over her heart. And as your finger lifts to the trigger, Bellamy’s finger poised over your own, ready to help you, you whisper, “I love you, little sun.”

But before the two of you can pull the trigger, Levitt suddenly calls out, “No, he got the code!”

You pause and you all turn towards him in shock, and he catches sight of the gun in your hand, suddenly apologetic. “Oh, God. Oh, I'm sorry.”

Octavia asks, “The test code? Are you sure?”

“Hologram mode.”

He enlarges the memory so you can all see, watching as Becca’s fingers press the symbols on the Anomaly Stone, the room glowing in white before the memory ends. Clarke shifts her gaze from the memory down to Madi, her heartbreak giving way to hard anger. “He got what he needed and left her here?”

The words hit all of you right in the chest. This man that is so determined to transcend, to prove that humans are worthy, paralyzed a child to do it, and then left her alone. Bellamy was right when he called Cadogan a monster, and you can feel Wanlida smiling as she steps into view. “We have to stop him.”

Octavia starts, “If one man represents the entire human race-”

Bellamy finishes, “It can't be him.”

Levitt nods, looking between all of you. “We can still stop him, but we have to go now.”

Everyone seems to silently agree, and you and Clarke turn back to Madi. Clarke puts her hand on Madi’s cheek, and you reach out to squeeze Madi’s hand. Clarke whispers, “I'll come back. I'll be back after we stop the test, and I promise I will not let him win.”

She presses a kiss to Madi’s forehead, and leans back so you can add, “We’re going to stop him, Madi, and we’re going to fix this. I promise. Bill Cadogan thinks he’s unstoppable, but he’s never met Wanheda and Wanlida.”

-

next chapter

[fenristheorem]

My OC, Fenris

... and the Eldarya AU that she’s in, because I just can’t see her in the original Origins storyline with her differences from Guardienne/Erika. And I think my AU has some pretty interesting ideas. I’ll explain it after I introduce her.

Yea, I know, Fenris Theorem, Fenris, it all connects, huh? Hehe. I like the name, that’s all.

(This page is informational, so it’s written in a bit more of a note-taking fashion rather than a story fashion. It’s written in a very choppy manner but it’s comprehensible despite not having any stress on having it beautifully written.) 

This page just introduces you to my OC. I decided to create a page on her for the poll (now ended) because I think some people will really like small excerpts on her story with Lance, but obviously you need to know about her before deciding that for sure. You’ll notice that some theories I may have posted on Lance in the past are a part of this AU - these theories have been in my mind and I posted them only because I thought they could exist in the actual plotline (it’s where a lot of my theories come from, and then some ideas fit into the AU, and then some ideas could exist in the actual plotline as well based on what I observe), so this is where some of those theories come from.

For the poll - if anything, I would recommend reading the paragraph titled “*Her story in Origins (where many things are explained in moderation, because if I went in-depth I wouldn’t need to write stories on this):” above all else because that describes what I will be writing if the poll results shows that that’s wanted. Everything else is just extra information for you to know my OC and the AU better. The paragraph is at the bottom of the post.

Above all else, this is an AU, and a fantasy world. I like to try to give rationality and logic to a lot of things, so you’ll read a lot of me explaining things, but at the end of the day it’s all fantasy and can be perceived - and therefore approved or unapproved of - in a multitude of ways. If you like my AU but find it illogical in some ways, that’s no problem! Just enjoy reading about it if you enjoy the ideas within it. 😊

~ This is long so continue below the cut ~

A lot of this information can be a bit vague at first but it comes together when I explain the basic plot.

Her basics: She goes by Fenris but her actual name is Dakota. However, people usually call her Kota, or occasionally Ko (Fen is used later for Fenris, first by Ashkore / Lance, but later when she was discovered by the guard as well). She was 18 when she came to Eldarya via mushroom circle (like Guardienne/Erika). The guard test placed her in the Obsidian guard - she’s very happy with that outcome. Was in a relationship with Valkyon before leaving him for Lance (*explained later).

Physical Appearance: Unfortunately I don’t have a picture of her and nothing in Eldarya describes her and her clothing very well, so you’ll just need to imagine the physical features that I describe on Eldarya’s Guardienne sprite. Also, she’s pretty flexible with how she styles her hair and dresses, so I don’t think a single picture of her would describe her well.

Fair and light in skin tone, perhaps a slight tan-ish tone. Thin, but broad shouldered. She’s well-muscled (later on, less so when she first arrived), which gives her a bit of thickness, but not too much. Nicely curved. About 5 ft. 5 in. (167.64 cm). Dark hair, but not exactly black, with brown-hazel eyes. Her hair is medium-length and is usually braided in a multitude of styles. Her eyes occasionally glow a brilliant gold (explained under ‘abilities and genetics’ and ‘her story in Origins’).

Usually wears dark, ancient / tribal-like clothes (think Norse Vikings) with thin, form-fitting but strong armor around her forearms, lower legs (below the thigh starting from knees) and chest/midriff. She wears a good amount of red, blue, gold, silver or dark green clothing and accents with the black base for color. Usually nothing over-the-top, she likes to have her own unique style and express herself but doesn't like to draw unnecessary attention. Doesn't like most faux fur as it doesn't look nice in her opinion, but may wear some that she likes occasionally. Is more likely to wear real fur from hunted animals, but doesn't wear it too often. She wears a sword on her hip, and has a few semi-concealed daggers placed on her body (thigh, boot, torso) for quick use if needed.

Personality: She has a wide spectrum of how she acts depending on people, situations, what she knows, and her current mood. She's typically quite calm, and doesn't seek for trouble or drama, however, she does like to hear the recent news/gossip from around the guard; to stay updated on things, know what may effect her, try to think ahead and just for the sake of knowing. She's very curious and typically observes the situation around her, but in a very subtle way. Is a planner and likes to think ahead, and usually knows how to react to anything because of her observations and forward thinking. Around friends, she's very kind and welcoming. They can talk about anything to her and she'll keep her mouth shut - she has a good loyalty streak (but it does have a limit). However, she doesn't have any friends that are like family to her, but on the day she does find friends like that her loyalty will truly be endless. It's ride or die, and she'll always stand by their side. She has a major independent streak and can’t be around people for too long, otherwise she’ll crack and get a bit irritated more easily. She likes her alone time. In general, she's very cordial with people. Again, she doesn't like to cause unnecessary trouble or drama - she's had a rough past (discussed under ‘history’) and quickly shuts down anyone doing so in a professional but aggressive, don’t-argue-with-me sort of way. She can be harsh, cold and withholding - especially with people she genuinely dislikes - but doesn't like to act this way. On the note of people she dislikes- it's hard to get her to truly dislike someone, but it can be a bit easy as well. In general rule, as long as someone is conscious of the reality of the world around them and doesn't seek to cause issues, she's fine with them, but the instant someone starts continually spreading rumors that are clearly false, or acts (especially in a way that hurts others) solely in their selfish interests, or takes part in willful ignorance (purposely ignoring an issue that you know shouldn’t be ignored), she keeps note of that person and reminds herself to be wary of them in the future. They could be a source of trouble or misinformation that may need to be stopped, and she won’t be very forgiving. However, this is just a general rule, it doesn't always apply - remember she can change based on the situation and what she knows. She recognizes that sometimes people dislike things that are good for them, or like harmful things, and sometimes the villain is actually the hero, history and set rules are created by the winners and anyone against it is considered the villain, and sometimes you need to be cruel to be merciful. She's fully aware that sometimes the bad of life is good, and may defend that, but she's always sure to think long and hard about it before giving a decision like that. A lot of terrible things have happened to her, so she tries to avoid being a source of those terrible things for the world. She feels emotions very deeply and can be a bit impulsive, but fortunately she’s not typically hurt or gets others hurt due to her impulsivity. Again, she is very curious and observes things a lot, so she can usually get a good read on anything new she comes across and work from there, or she can use other information she knows and apply it to the situation. That being said, she won’t drag her friends or anyone else into her occasionally dangerous impulsive decisions. She’ll offer it if they’d like to join her, but she won’t pressure them. Their safety is their decision, and she’ll do her best to protect them although she can’t truly guarantee it. Being in the Obsidian guard, she can’t really condone anyone to risk their safety for fun, especially if it’s her idea. She has a good sense of responsibility when she works for what she believes in, and will sacrifice some of her comfort and fun making sure that she follows her responsibilities if needed. On the topic of her guard - when she first came to Eldarya and joined the Obsidian guard, she wasn’t too bad of a fighter upon basic training, but it was when she started training with Ashkore / Lance where her skills greatly improved until she was perhaps the best fighter in the guard, rivaled only by a few other warriors - including Valkyon. She’s not against helping others improve, but she’s very careful with what she tells the guard - if anyone knew her skills were due to Ashkore, she’d be in massive trouble and may be treated as a complete accomplice. She doesn’t like to lie unless truly necessary, so she’ll usually withhold lots of damning information, and she thoroughly thinks over everything she says, any possible answers to theoretical questions, how her words can connect with other things, and how it might be taken from someone else’s perspective, before revealing any information. Did I mention she’s very cunning and smart, especially after knowing Lance? She has prior knowledge in how to utilize sarcasm and wit, but that’s also improved after meeting Lance. 

She changes in time to be quite a bit more harsh and unforgiving when she starts working with Lance.

(For media reference, think of Lagertha from Vikings and Octavia from Netflix’s The 100. She’s a bit of a combination between the two, both in personality and appearance, although Octavia represents her a bit better in appearance.)

Abilities and Genetics: When she first came to Eldarya, she had no idea of her faery genetics. She never felt as though she belonged with humans and always felt that something was off, but she truly thought she was human genetically - until the guard had her take a test and realized she apparently had some faery blood in her (like what actually happened in the original plotline). She went a good while not knowing about what her genetics were, until Lance told her she was a dragon. She learned her abilities under his mentorship, and found that - to be more specific - she’s a shadow dragon. Her shadows appear usually like a pitch black fog, but can be manipulated into almost any form; hard or soft, thin or thick, curved or straight. It has a bit of a cold feel, but she can’t actually control the temperature of her shadows. She can adjust the color of her shadows along a grey-scale until it looks like any grey or silver, even looking like normal fog, but she can’t make it lighter than silver. She can also make pre-existing shadows darker or lighter depending on what she wants. Being a dragon, she also has a dragon form and can shift into a half-transformed body (like what’s seen with Tia). She has premonitions and prophecies as well. This ability typically manifests in dreams and can come to her the night before it manifests in reality, or even sometimes years in advance - there’s really no way to know. She struggles a lot trying to learn this - and to learn the difference between a premonition dream and just a normal dream - and has some basic understanding of it’s rules. She has absolutely no control over when she has these dreams, but she can occasionally put herself in a bit of a calm, meditative state where she can observe her surroundings enough to faintly feel energies, and from there she can receive some premonitions. When she receives premonitions or prophecies while awake, her eyes glow a brilliant gold - this stems from a more spiritual side of her genetics (*explained later). This ability to very hard to control, though, and can rarely be done despite her persistence in it. 

History: She... didn’t have a very peaceful life. Since her birth, her parents had basically been at war with each other. She grew up under a distinct combination of good influences and bad influences from both parents, but for the most part her mother was her major support as her father failed to be there for her. Neither extended family had much impact, but her father’s family knew of the terrible things he did and didn’t do anything. She continues to hold a grudge against many humans for being forced to live an endangered upbringing when she and her mother were so clearly crying for help. However, she’s aware that this is also what drives her some days, as she didn’t live through all of that just to die shamefully with an unlived life. In time, her grudge against humans has calmed, but it flares back up whenever she’s reminded or learned about something terrible that humans have caused or do currently - it’s a continuous battle and she has a hard time giving an honest opinion on humanity due to her complex emotions. She came to Eldarya when she was 18 (like Guardienne/Erika) and the rest is history (*and is explained below).

Relationships: Miiko is... alright. It’s a bit of a love hate relationship sometimes, but Fenris is usually quite cordial with her. Nevra and Ezarel were irritating at first, but Nevra’s lovableness and Ezarel’s humor slowly grew on her. She liked Valkyon when she first arrived and somewhat quickly pursued a relationship with him. She didn’t mind Leiftan - he was always very kind and left her alone while being cordial (remember, she’s not an angel in this so Leiftan wouldn’t be into her like how he was with Guardienne/Erika). Karuto is like the good father she never had, but she puts her foot down with him on occasion - she doesn’t like to be told what to do, scolded, treated like a child or anything. This is only because she views him in a bit of a fatherly way, and doesn’t want a repeat of her original father. She makes sure he knows that she truly appreciates him, though. Jamon is a bit of a brother if anything, but he’s really just a close friend / colleague that she likes a lot. She appreciates his gentleness and protectiveness for everyone. Ewelein is basically a second mom, she reminds Fenris a lot of her mom back on Earth and has a deep respect for the Elf. Chrome is a bit like an irritating little brother, but she also has a sisterly affection for him. Ykhar and Kero are the panic colleagues; she has a hard time seeing them doing anything else than panicking. She worries a bit for their health as long-term stress is destructive and tries to be as comforting and as nice as possible with them without betraying her personality and morals. Karenn and Alajea are close friends, almost sisterly, but not exactly so. She’s a bit closer with Karenn than she is with Alajea. Cameria is similar to Karenn in the way that she has a bit of a sisterly relationship with Fenris, but in more of a battle partner way. They have a tendency to train together a lot, and they heavily trust each other to have their back in war. Huang Hua is a bit of a friend / leader - she respects the phoenix a lot and has a bit of a close friendly relationship with her. Feng Zifu is a bit of a father figure in the manner that she respects him a lot. She likes to listen to his advice and appreciates his formality.

The AU: So before I explain the plot of the AU, I need to explain a few basics of how I set up the world. In this AU, the crystal breaking could destroy Eldarya, but if it’s shattered in a certain way with certain spells and chants, it’ll release the spirits of the dragons (who sacrificed to create the crystal) and allow them to retain a sort of half-living form - basically they’re alive but... not? It’s weird to  explain. Why does the crystal breaking in this way not destroy Eldarya? The sacrifice allowed a release of energy that originally created the world and then primarily manifested into the shape of the crystal that maintains that world, so this ritual that would be preformed upon it’s shattering would basically allow the energy of the dragons to maintain the world while allowing them to roam around in a different form - hence why they’d be half alive in a way. They’d be physical, but they have additions and limits on what they can and can’t do because they’re still technically dead. However, this isn’t common knowledge (because the guard protects the crystal, they’re the ‘only’ source of ‘accurate’ information on the crystal and both Yonuki Kaze and Miiko have stated that if the crystal breaks Eldarya will fall), only Lance has figured this out (and many of his mercenaries believe him or are working with him because of his destructive habits), so due to this, his ambitions are sort of split in two; destroy the crystal to revive the dragons, and destroy anyone who may try to stop him. In terms of history, Lance in this AU witnessed Miiko (and Nevra - there’s a history behind that that I won’t go into right now) sacrificing dragons to the crystal when he was a part of the guard to try and maintain balance and confronted her about it, only for her to threaten him (in basic; she was convinced sacrificing was the only way to keep balance, and that’s because Yonuki Kaze influenced her into thinking that, so from her perspective Lance coming along and saying it was wrong and had to stop was basically him saying to let the world die) to not tell anyone and stay out of it. Lance then spent a while researching and devising an idea on how to actually balance the world and this included destroying the crystal in a specific way to release the energy (technically there are two ways; the sacrifice was supposed to happen with dragons AND angels, so the ritual was devised to work with the two, but a ritual originally for two races used only with one is basically a ritual preformed improperly, and therefore bound to yield improper results - hence the infertility of the world and shiftiness of it. Undoing the ritual would allow the world to stay while “canceling out the sacrificial imbalance”, but if an angel or demon were to willingly sacrifice - preferably alongside a dragon at the same time - then it would be solved in that way as well). Lance tried to explain this to Miiko later, only to barely get past “I have another idea” before being shut down again. He kept quiet because he feared for himself and his brother (and the only reason Lance could have known that dragons were being sacrificed - without being a dragon himself - is that Miiko said it during the sacrifice he saw, so he didn’t want to raise suspicion onto him and his brother). Later on, Lance is sent to lead an army in a foreign land and is nearly killed, but he saw a chance to escape the guard and took it. From there he’s been Ashkore.

Basically this AU - instead of being “oh no, he’s trying to destroy the world because he’s angry and hurt” - is actually more like “if you had listened the world could be stabilized and also a powerful race could be revived.” It takes the trope of hero and villain and twists it, so the villain is actually a bit of an underdog, villainous hero while the hero’s are - in a way - villains who are heroes because their damning stories haven’t been revealed in a wide-spread manner. Overall, it’s supposed to blur the lines of good and bad, and right and wrong - showing that both sides have good and bad within them, and which side is ‘good’ can depend solely on perception and one’s life anecdote.

*Her story in Origins (where many things are explained in moderation, because if I went in-depth I wouldn’t need to write stories on this): Dakota came to Eldarya by accident via mushroom circle and was placed into the Obsidian guard. She adjusted in time (and willingly took the potion in episode 13 to ease her family / mother of pain and worry) until she got used to things and entered into a romantic relationship with Valkyon. She was sent on basic missions and such and met Ashkore a few times in war (and around the guard), and then she met him accidentally while alone later on outside of the guard. He offered to train her (more like threatened if she didn’t?) and she accepted in time. They trained at night, which was a bit of an issue as she now shared a room with Valkyon and, therefore, had to sneak around. Her skills quickly improved, and her relationship with Valkyon began to decline as he began to become a bit confused / suspicious about her sudden and seemingly random upturn in skills. There were feelings of neglect as well. This carried on for many months and Dakota learned more about Ashkore as well as herself. He eventually admits that she’s a dragon and that he’s investing some of himself into her because of that, and she does her best to explore her abilities with him after that. Eventually she accidentally discovers his actual identity, but keeps quiet about it. As they grow closer, she begins to ask more about him and his reasoning, and he explains his motives for going after the crystal while brushing on the topic of why he’s ruthless to some, but leaves others alone. As she discovers the truth about the dragons and Lance, she realizes that her feelings to the guard were based on lies and false implications, and she begins to grow mentally and emotionally closer with Lance. She becomes less empathetic / sympathetic with Valkyon and eventually sleeps with Lance. This happens a few more times and they enter a sort of limbo where they don’t talk about their relationship with each other but know there’s something heavy going on. Back in the guard, she’s still with Valkyon, and she begins an internal war on what exactly her plan is knowing that she’s sleeping with two guys on the opposite side of a war and that it can’t continue. Her and Valkyon break up in time and she invests her full time into training with Lance, expressing interest in joining his cause. They begin to work together and he gifts her with a specific outfit / armor (that can alternate between identity concealing and revealing for her comfort and safety) so she can go on missions with him. They develop an elaborate scheme to allow her to go on long-term missions with him without suspicion from the guard. She’s eventually sent on a mission and it’s on that mission that she discovers her relation to an ancient dragon named Fenris, and then expresses her interest in taking that name to Lance and the rest of his allies that she’s met (from then on she’s known as Fenris with Lance and Dakota in the guard). Back at the guard, she continues training with Lance and maintaining some sort of odd relationship with himin secret. She’s found elaborate ways to get out of the guard without their suspicion so she can spend many days at a time alone with Lance in a cabin he has hidden in the forest. Over the span of many months / years, she goes on missions with the guard to foreign towns / establishments that are attacked by Ashkore - whether she knows that prior or not - so as she trains she also has actual encounters where she needs to truly fight Lance without actually hurting him while looking as though she’s truly trying to hurt him. When she’s allegedly away on some missions from the guard, she wears the armor that Lance gave her to campaign with him and this occasionally leads to her fighting against the guard if they’re around. In this time and when they’re alone, Lance and allies calls her Fenris as she’s requested them to do. Eventually they go to Memoria together and find out that they have a deeper connection than they think - Fenris (who was an ancient dragon that Dakota took the name of due to her relation with him) and Tia actually knew each other and had a complex history that carried forward to Lance and Dakota / Fenris, and there’s a prophecy of sorts surrounding them. Their relationship after that is still complex, but is more stable as they confirm an attachment to each other. Lance’s identity is eventually revealed to the guard, and sometimes later Fenris is revealed as well, and Lance - in very short, important seconds - offers her to join him completely outside the guard’s walls. She accepts and they flee the guard for a while and plot. Eventually they attack the guard in a final push and get to the crystal, successfully breaking it with... some losses. From there is the skip to ANE, but New Era is... complicated. I haven’t yet thought how she fits into ANE, as many things would be different. Maybe I won’t put pressure on creating her story in it, but if I do I might list it here. Her story in ANE would need to be based off of her story I have here in Origins.

If I write excerpts of this, there may also be many more adventure scenarios that are written but aren’t mentioned here (Lance offering to “help” the guard bring down another greater threat and then turning his forces on them in the midst of war for his own gain, sending them on a wild goose chase, the guard tracking them through rough, unforgiving landscapes trying to catch them, etc.) depending on how the details of her story manifest.

I apologize; that’s a lot to read but I can be very specific and this AU has a lot of important detail that separates it from the original Origins storyline. And this talks over my OC’s details and an AU, which is a lot since there’s not a lot of referencing because I’ve never talked about either before... However, if you’ve read all the way through this post - congrats, and I hope you’re interested in it!

Again, writing excerpts about my OC and her storyline in this AU is an option you can vote on in my writing poll that determines what I’ll write now so I can post later when I can’t access my Tumblr for a few weeks, so if you’re interested in reading about this then please read the info I have about the poll here and feel free to vote!

[cvldbones]

the (dorm) where it happens

Bellamy knows, deep down, that he could say no and Marcus would be fine with it. Clarke would probably be grateful, honestly. There is literally no reason for him to sabotage his own senior year by partnering with his nemesis.

He has no idea why he does it. A moment of temporary insanity, perhaps.

(Or: Bellamy & Clarke are assigned as head RAs for the same dorm.)

If someone had asked Bellamy, five years ago, he definitely would not have said that a dorm room, of all things, would be making him emotional. They are sort of this global representation of college in the abstract, but not in any kind of poignant or sentimental way. He would have thought the quad or his cap and gown or, hell, maybe even his last day in a classroom would be making him choked up.

As it stands, he’s the head RA of his hall this year, and so he’s the very first one to move in. Standing in the sparse room – bigger than any of the rooms he’s had before, probably than any room he’s ever had, if he’s being honest – there’s something weighty about it all. This year, he’s going to be the first person in his family to graduate from college.

The first. It makes something warm swell in his chest.

When his mom had died, five years ago, and he’d deferred… it had felt impossible. The deferral just seemed like postponing the inevitable. But then Octavia’s aunt had shown up, out of nowhere, frantic and kind and actually wanting to help. He still almost hadn’t gone, when the year was up, had told her he could stay and help, because O was twelve and broody and all things angst. Becca had actually sat him down, eyes serious, and said, “Don’t be a martyr.” And then, after a minute: “I’m going to take care of her.”

And, miraculously, he believed her.

It hadn’t been easy, by any means. They were more comfortable, for sure, but definitely not wealthy. While Becca could make sure O was supported, she wasn’t technically responsible for Bellamy, and he didn’t necessarily want it that way. So he’d applied for the RA job as soon as he’d seen the posting his first year – he knew it meant they’d cover his housing sophomore year, they’d pay him, and there was a small supplement for meals, too. It was a hell of a deal, on top of the financial aid he’d been given.

Plus, he knew he needed a change. RAs got their own rooms, and his first year roommate, Murphy (who went by last name only), was fine, but also gave off the vague aura of having committed various crimes at some point in his life. Which, you know, was never the most comforting of vibes. And because of his strange, makeshift gap year, Bellamy struggled to feel connected on campus, to find his people the way the everyone had promised he would as he’d wandered around campus during Welcome Week.

And even though he’d applied for the financial (and personal) perks, Bellamy ended up really liking the whole RA thing. O told him it was because he was born a thirty-year-old dad, which may have been slightly true, but it was nice to get involved on campus and feel like he had responsibilities outside of just class and parties. He actually even made friends, and so he reapplied junior year too, and when the applications for head RA came around, he figured he’d give it a shot.

So, now, as a senior, being an RA is sort of Bellamy’s thing. And it feels… final, somehow.

“Jesus Christ,” he mutters under his breath, shaking his head. He really needs to pull himself together.

He tosses his duffel bag on the bed – a queen this year, which is even better – and opens the window to let the remnants of the summer air filter through. Dusk is settling outside, and he knows he needs to start thinking about ordering something for dinner, since the dining halls won’t open for another couple of days until full RA training starts. There’s a full kitchen on the first floor, but it’s getting late and he’s already feeling drained from the drive into town.

His thoughts are interrupted by a light knock on the doorframe, and he jumps slightly at the noise. When his gaze lifts, Bellamy smiles at his supervisor. “Hey, Marcus.”

“Hi, Bellamy. You getting settled in okay?”

“Yeah, I just got in about a half hour ago. Probably going to take tomorrow to unpack before training starts on Monday.”

“Good, good.” Marcus Kane pauses, hesitant, and that’s when Bellamy realizes there’s someone else standing next to him. His eyes flit downwards, catching on the blonde waves, and he feels his stomach drop. Marcus clears his throat. “So, Bellamy, I believe you know Clarke Griffin?”

Read on AO3.

[amras-felagund]

Cutie mark Tattoo Friendship Is Magic: The Next Generation begins thirty years after the birth of Princess Flurry Heart, and the story is... a bit darker and more complicated than My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic before it. It delves into the backstory around Alicorns, where they came from, why Discord is the only Draconequus, and who is the prisoner in the deepest darkest cell of the cosmic oubliette that is Tartarus... (And admittedly, FIM:TNG does take some liberties with the events of MLP:FIM, mostly in regards to Equestria Girls and all episodes after and including The Cutie Re-Mark. That will become more apparent when it comes to the character bios for Sunset Shimmer, Flash Sentry, Starlight Glimmer, and others.) Now, I have done this for years now online, but I think it deserves attention here: whenever I discuss a couple, I always use an ampersand "&" between their names, whereas with platonic pairs/groups, I use the word "and" instead. And also, I think we all take it for granted that same-sex couples in Friendship Is Magic headcanons can have kids. I mean, magic is a thing in this universe, and it's not ENTIRELY written off that sex-changes could happen with magic. Or just, you know, other options with the magic to allow two mares or two stallions to have children together. Anyway, moving on.

This is Octavio Slate Pie, Pinkie's brother. Yes, he is technically a character from Pony Life, but bear with me on this. It will make sense in a little bit. Because, you see, this interpretation of Octavio Pie appeared in the original show. You may also notice that his color scheme and cutie mark are extremely familiar...

Marble Pie always felt great discomfort in her own body. She hated to speak and so mostly relied on her twin Pinkamena to do the talking for them. And after Pinkie got her cutie mark and became so much more talkative, this became much more convenient. Marble let her mane grow out and hid her face with it. She stayed mostly in the farm, and with Maud off to earn her rocktorate and Pinkie off in Ponyville spreading her brand of cheer, Marble's oldest sister Limestone was left to run the farm with her more mellow parents tending to the gruntwork. (As Earth Ponies, they would retain their vigor for far longer than Unicorns or Pegasi.)

And then Marble met Big McIntosh. It was the greatest Hearth's Warming Eve gift that Marble could have ever received, though not in the way that an outsider could have reckoned. Marble herself thought that she loved him at first, and her heart ached that he could have his own special somepony when he came with Sugar Belle the next Hearth's Warming. But as she thought about it, and how she felt about herself, Marble realized that she didn't love Big McIntosh like that. Rather, she wanted to be like him. Marble Pie wanted to be a stallion.

It took more willpower than he could have thought to come out to his older twin. Pinkie was visiting for their birthday and exclaimed that she was so happy to have planned the surprise birthday party for herself and her baby twin sister. "...not your sister." It was the most he had said at once in a long time. He continued, "...your b-b-brother." Pinkie's confusion gave way to absolute joy. She had a baby twin brother now! She had to change her plans post-haste! This would also be an introduction of her brother to everypony!

As for his name, he always loved the name of his cellist cousin Octavia Melody. He wrote it down as the male version Octavio, and it just felt right. His middle name of Slate comes from the metamorphic rock.

In no time, Octavio was the scene of the party (which he interjected himself into the planning for). He spoke more in one minute than he had in several years. To many, it seemed like the backlog of words he'd held back as a mare and filly had come spilling out now that he was a stallion. He cut his mane and tail short, no longer hiding his face. Applying for transitional spells and potions, his features became more pronounced, his voice deepening. Though he wouldn't talk nearly as much as he had at his birthday/coming-out party, Octavio became a much more sociable and open pony than he had ever been as Marble. He finally felt like he fit in his own body. He was finally happy.

For a short period, Octavio took up the same sort of role as party-planner as his twin, to the point that many would have called his parties Pinkie Pie Parties by mistake. This led to several misunderstandings when Pinkie received rave reviews for parties she definitely didn't remember planning. They had all the hallmarks of her parties, though, so only one pony could have put them through: her brother. She confronted him, fearful that he was trying to outdo her, outshine her. Octavio insisted he would never; she was the first one who he'd confessed to of feeling like a stallion. After more discussion, Octavio decided to take a different path with his party plans. He wouldn't use Pinkie's ideas, but his own.

Having opened up finally, Octavio Pie is bursting with self-confidence, to the point of smugness. While this means that he will not hesitate to do something that is firmly in his wheelhouse, he can unfortunately put others off. When it comes to one specific situation, though, he can soften his behavior and project profound empathy: supporting foals struggling with dysphoria. He hates to imagine foals being in the same position he'd been in for years: hating his body, hating his voice, feeling like an alien in his own skin and bones. With his own brand of parties and penchant for providing pet rocks, he yearns to help these foals enter their new identities with the happiest moments yet in their lives.

Octavio no longer lives at the Pie Family Farm, but travels Equestria with his wife planning parties. He specializes in coming-out parties. Among the foals he has thrown such parties for were Piñata Apple and Pumpkin Sweet. At a certain point he got a tattoo on his right foreleg representing his "bolt from the blue" revelation of being a stallion, and it serves as more of a symbol of an Octavio-brand coming-out party than his own cutie mark. He also may or may not have a touch of "Pinkie being Pinkie" that was awakened after his own coming-out, but anypony who knows will neither confirm nor deny.

(also, I know that octavio's cutie mark in pony life is different from marble's and not a tattoo, but everypony's cutie mark is different in pony life, so if you take issue, kindly shut up)

MLP:FiM (c) Lauren Faust / Hasbro FIM:TNG (c) me

[chaifootsteps]

My thoughts on the episode

My thoughts on the episode

- My feelings towards Vivzie and her actions doesn’t effect my outlook on the show. It just means I skipped the adds.

- The whole ‘Stella bad’ thing could have worked if they established she was a bitch beforehand rather than just showing her upset she was cheated on.

- Blitzo and Stolas being the same age is weird man. I always thought of him as an ancient being but he’s like thirty something. Next they’ll team me Ozzie and Fizz are the same age.

- Stolas had the potential to be such a good character. Just show Stella being cruel ( not just because she was cheated on) earlier, that maybe not have him force Blitzo into having sex, and you’d have an amazing character .

- If someone has pity sex with you it doesn’t give you the right to keep forcing them to have sex with you again and again. Neither does being depressed or being a victim yourself. If anything it makes Stolas worse, since he knows what it’s like to be trapped in a miserable relationship but still uses Blitzo, his first ever friend, as a toy.

- A person can be a victim in one relationship and an abuser in another

- I will give them brownie points for establishing that Blitzo was taught from a young age to steal from the rich to survive, it makes his actions much more understandable, too bad everyone completely glosses over that fact and go right to hating on Blitzo. Poor guy just wants to provide for himself and his employees.

- “Stolas stayed in the marriage for Octavia” bitch, the worst thing you can do is stay for the kids. I’ll always be grateful that my parents divorced when I was young.

- Despite it’s flaws, I can’t say this show isn’t funny. I was chuckling to myself the entire time.

- Music and animation was amazing.

Yeah, I chuckled pretty hard at Paimon wanting a seat where he doesn’t have to “smell the poor.”

Ditto on pretty much all of this. “A person can be a victim in one relationship and an abuser in another” should be required reading for this fandom before anyone posts anything, because it applies to at least half the characters and everybody seems to forget it.

[t100ficrecsblog]

an interview with @osleyakomwonkru (she/her) what are you working on right now? Several things! I’m the queen of many WIPs (let’s not even talk about the ones that are languishing in the limbo of old fandoms). But my priorities right now are my own Season 7  and the promptfills that I’m doing for Bellarke Writers for BLM (but not for Bellarke). I started working on my Season 7 fic last summer as soon as 6x13 aired because I couldn’t wait nine months to find out what happened to Octavia, I needed to answer that myself. So I spent months writing and planning and researching and compiling lore so that I could answer that question myself. Started posting it episode by episode at the beginning of 2020. Then pandemic got in the way of me finishing it before the official season 7 started airing, so right now the first 9 episodes are up, and the last 7 will be up after the official season 7 is finished. So if you want a season 7 that has a bit less planet hopping, more Bellamy, more TALKING and characters taking the time to sort through issues rather than the season 7 we’ve been having, then please check it out! what’s something you’d like to write one day? I’d like to actually finish and publish the myriad of original works I have in a state of perpetual incompleteness. I’ve been writing stories ever since I could hold a crayon, and I’ve never stopped. But the past decade I’ve been focused on a lot of fanfic. what is the fanwork you’re most proud of? Well, I love all of my word-babies, and I’m super proud of my S7 fic as mentioned above, but outside of that series, the fic that holds a special place in my heart is “fly away to heal my broken spirit (there might be peace on the other side)”, which is an Octavia-centric character study written between seasons 5 and 6, whereupon landing on the new planet, Octavia takes off on her own and takes the time she needs to heal from the pain of her past. why did you first start writing fic? Well, the reasons why I first started writing fic are perhaps different than what they are now. I started writing fic when I was a child, when I didn’t even know it was something other people did, let alone something people shared with one another (this was back in the Days of Yore before the Internet, so while now I know fanfic was going on at that time, it wasn’t easily accessible). The longest fic I’ve ever written was when I was a preteen, and it was 943 pages, handwritten, and it was a self-insert RPF where I became best friends with Alanis Morissette. Back then, I wrote fic because I wanted more stories, more adventures with the characters I loved, and in the case of that self-insert, I wanted to be a part of those adventures. But now I write fic for different reasons. Now I write mostly because I want to address the parts that canon leaves out. The parts that aren’t “exciting” for a TV audience, because they’re not full of flashy explosions and fights and whatnot, but that I want to see because they’re a vital part of the character journeys - the talking, the healing, the things that should be addressed so it makes sense to go from A to B in the storyline but tend to be swept under the rug. I’m in a fandom for the characters, so I want to see them and their thoughts and feelings addressed properly and not just get shuttled from one Plot to the next. So as this applies in this fandom, that mostly revolves around letting characters take the time to talk to each other, to sort out their issues, stuff like that. Because after everything they’ve been through, they need this! what frustrates you most about fic writing? Too many ideas. I have so much I want to write, but I also don’t want to abandon projects so it hurts to have to put ideas on the backburner. Also - middles. I often know how I want a story to start and how I want it to end, but the part in the middle is always a bit fuzzier. Middles are hard. what are your top five songs right now? Lunatica - Heart of a Lion (perfect Octavia song!) Icon for Hire - Supposed to Be (also a good Octavia song) Beth Crowley - Don’t Think Just Run (ditto) Really Slow Motion - Unbroken (same) Miley Cyrus - Mother’s Daughter (Hope’s theme song) what are your inspirations? Music is a lot of my inspiration. I have an entire Octavia playlist, and Spotify is really good at recommending more songs to go on it. Spotify has the only useful Internet algorithm. Also, just those moments in canon where you go WTF and you’re like… I need to fix this. Or, “there has to be more than just this”. A lot of scenes demand more than what we saw on screen, so I’m here to provide.

what first attracted you to Octavia? what attracts you now? I started watching t100 between seasons 4 and 5. The specific reason why I started watching was Chai Hansen (Ilian), because he’d just been cast on Shadowhunters, and he was hot, so I went looking to see where else he’d appeared and happened upon this show. So I watched some of his scenes on YouTube, and was intrigued by this chick (Octavia) he was with. Then the next scene I saw was Octavia winning the Conclave in 4x10 and making her speech of unity, and I was sold. I was all “I need to know who this girl is and how she got here”. 

So I went back to the beginning, and yes, she was the one. I have A Type when it comes to fandom favourites, and she fits it to a T - the misunderstood badass with a tragic past and a dark side. Octavia Blake, Regina Mills, Magnus Bane, Eliot Spencer, James “Sawyer” Ford, Juliet Burke, they all fit that same archetype. 

 I just love Octavia so much, because she’s been through so much and she’s still standing and she’s grown and changed and evolved and it’s all been beautiful. Even the dark parts. Especially the dark parts. Because without them she wouldn’t be who she is now. I hate it when people say she’s “back to her old self” now. No. No she’s not. She’s a stronger, wiser and more mature version of herself, and she wouldn’t be that without her darkness or without her healing. I could go on more, but for that you can just go to my blog and read all of my meta. BESIDES Octavia, what character or pairing do you like best on t100? Uhhh… well, Octavia’s kind of my brand. So everything does kind of revolve around her. But I also adore Echo, Diyoza (sob!) and Hope, and I’m so glad that canon Hope is like the Hope I wrote in my S7 fic - fearless, reckless, committed to her family and questioning what makes otherwise sensible women willing to die for Bellamy Blake. I ship Niytavia, and a fair amount of my Niytavia fic is written from Niylah’s point of view rather than Octavia’s. I’ve also written some bunker-era Mackson as best friends to Niytavia, but Miller being a jerk in season 6 has kind of soured that ship for me. But after 7x10 I’m hopeful that he’ll pull his head out of his ass so that I can like that ship again, because Jackson is still all kinds of lovely. 

But if we REALLY need to depart from the Octavia sphere, then Murphy’s my man. I don’t have a horse in the race as to which ship he’s a part of, because I can low-key ship him with just about everybody (even Octavia).

why did you decide to start writing for bellarkefic-for-blm? Because I wanted to do something to contribute to the BLM movement, but since I live in a tiny northeastern European country and have no money, going to protests or making donations myself isn’t something I can do. But I can write words so other people donate money, so here I am! 

what’s your writing process like? I don’t have a set process. Sometimes a story just FLOWS and I’ll get it done in a few hours. Sometimes it involves a lot of throwing stuff at the wall and hoping it sticks and days and weeks of contemplation and starting to write and hoping it’ll come together at the end. Same applies regardless of what I’m writing, be it my own idea or someone else’s. what are some things you’d like to recommend? My partner in crime in plotting my S7 epic, who I’ll message at 3 in the morning looking to brainstorm ideas, @easilydistractedbyfanfic . You want Murven? They’ve got you covered. Also, tacos, cheesy pasta, and sushi. Because food is delicious and I’d like to be in a country where I can get tacos again, so if you’re in a position to be able to eat tacos, eat tacos. They’re not available everywhere in the world. You can find @osleyakomwonkru here on Tumblr, or you can find her on AO3 here. If you’d like to request a fic written by her, you can do so via @bellarkefic-for-blm.

[osleyakomwonkru]

The Octavia Blake Guide to Surviving Lockdown (and What Comes Next)

So it’s been six weeks in isolation. I think? Time has long since become irrelevant. The world is stressed. I’m stressed. Not so much about the coronavirus itself, but everything else surrounding the situation. The isolation. The uncertainty. Society losing its shit. What the world will look like when it is all over, because everything will change whether we want it to or not.

You know, all that fun stuff our favourite characters on The 100 deal with each episode.

Which brings me to this post. What Would Octavia Blake Do?

I mean, she’s got the experience. Sixteen years of isolation in a single room, followed by a year of isolation in another room, then about six months on the ground, followed by six years locked under the ground... she knows better than anyone how to survive these sorts of trying times.

So here we have it - famous Octavia quotes and how to apply them to our current situation. Mostly serious, part irreverent, all of it a homage to the fact that stories matter and can help us figure out how to deal with this messy thing called life.

“A warrior doesn’t worry about what she can’t control.”

This is a mantra I repeat to myself many times a day. Sometimes I believe it. It’s hard. But it really is the only way to keep yourself sane these days. The world has turned upside down, but you can’t control it. You can only control yourself.

I can’t control that 75% of my income earning potential vanished overnight. I can control how I budget the remaining 25%, credit cards and looking into new income streams.

I can’t control that I’m stuck in a country I was supposed to leave this week for however long this continues to go on. I can try and learn to love it again, because we’re going to be spending more time together.

So what else can I do to keep myself healthy and sane? Let’s look at what Octavia does.

Train. One of the first things I started doing as soon as the lockdown started in mid-March was set up an exercise plan. Now, I don’t typically “exercise” in my normal life. I just walk everywhere I need to go and call that good enough. But now that I’m not really doing that, I have to find a way to do so indoors. I started out with three half-hour Zumba sessions per day, and now I’ve worked my way into more specific and targeted workout sessions. YouTube is a godsend. Every type of exercise you could think of, in any time length you want, you can find there. I’m doing abs, arms, more squats than I’ve ever done in my life, kickboxing, etc.

Read. See all those books on your shelves collecting dust? Yeah, read them now. I haven’t been following this advice as much as I should, but I’m making an effort to get better. I have so many unread books and I really should read them. If you’re one of those strange people who don’t have unread books, embrace the opportunities that sites like Project Gutenberg provide and read all the classics online for free. Octavia loves the classics.

Eat healthy. I hadn’t eaten at home for six months before this all started, so I had to refill my pantry and remember how to cook. Keeping your body healthy is important. Get your fruits and vegetables. Also ensure a protein source. Don’t go full on prepper, don’t hoard, but if shit hits the fan and you want to avoid the Dark Year happening in real life, make sure you have a few jars of peanut butter and/or a few packs of beef jerky stashed away for a rainy day. Your neighbours will thank you.

“Ge smak daun, gyon op nodotaim.” (Get knocked down, get back up)

At the beginning of this year, no one could have predicted what the state of the world is right now. People made plans. People started putting their plans into action.

Enter coronavirus.

Everything changes.

I actually had a plan for this year. I was going to leave here this week, go back to Canada for six months, then move to Spain. Well... I don’t know what’s going to happen now. And because of the uncertainty, I can’t know. This has made me so mad, because for the first time in years I had a strategy for the changes I wanted to make in my life, and now they’d all been shot to sunshine.

Some days you have to just scream. (Or cry and spend the day eating quesadillas in a blanket fort. True story.) But then after that happens, you have to brush yourself off, get up again and keep going.

Ge smak daun, gyon op nodotaim.

I’m not making any plans further than today. I know that’s an exercise in futility right now. All I can do is focus on what I can control (see above point) and continue to focus on that and what I can do for myself until there are things that I can do in the world again.

Moral of the story: Yes, there are going to be shitty days. You’ve probably already had a bunch of them. But you have to pick yourself up again and keep going when they’re over. You might feel like you want to give up. Heaven knows Octavia’s felt like that a lot of times. But she still kept going. If she stubbornly fought through a cliff dive with a stab wound and a quicksand pool of Orbeez, we can handle some uncertainty and delayed life plans.

“The sword doesn’t care what you meant, it just cuts.”

Time to step onto a soapbox for a bit.

Some world leaders and governments have done admirably with dealing with this crisis. Some have done okay. Some have done so fucking awful at their jobs and continue to spout nonsense from their podiums that it is going to cause real people to die. (Not naming any names, but I’m sure you know what I mean.)

Octavia is the only character on this show who understands that when you’re in a tough situation, what your intentions are doesn’t matter, it is only the results that do. This is applicable to our situation today in a twofold manner.

Point One: We can only control our own actions. That means being a responsible citizen, following public health guidelines. Stay home. If you have to go out, practice social distancing and any other recommendations set out by your public health authority. You might say you’re young and healthy, you’re not concerned about if you get the virus, but it is not about you. You could be asymptomatic and not know it. You might not mean to get someone else sick - someone who is more vulnerable - but it could still happen if you don’t behave responsibly. So take ownership of your actions and do what you can to minimize the spread.

Which brings us to Point Two: You can’t control other’s actions, but you can hold them accountable for them. Which in this situation mostly means your country’s leaders. Do not forget how they responded to this crisis. Remember. Remember when it is time to vote. Did they do a good job or did they do a bad job? How many people lived or died because of what they said? Did they follow the advice of medical experts? And so on. This isn’t a time for party politics, this is a time for “can we rely on this leader to do what’s right for the people of this country when we’re in a crisis?” If the answer is no, vote for somebody else.

The same applies to non-governmental leaders - leaders of business and charities and everything else that you can think of. Remember who stepped up and helped people when and how they needed it. Remember who didn’t. Remember who actively made lives worse. Budget your money accordingly.

“Kom folau oso na gyon op.” (From the ashes we will rise)

This will pass.

When, we don’t know. How, we don’t know. But all we can do is work on ourselves and make ourselves as strong as we can for whatever the future brings us. 

Some people are optimists, believing that this will usher in a new world where more people understand the challenges that others have always faced with things like mental health or physical disabilities and issues of accessibility and so on. Where more people will be aware of the dangers of climate change. Where people who are now coming together online and building hope and change will continue to do so in person when we can leave our homes and meet up with others again.

Some people are pessimists, believing the world will collapse and we’ll enter into a post-apocalyptic scenario like The 100 or any of the other dozens of post-apocalyptic media offerings out there. Where it’ll be every person for themselves and panic and destruction will reign supreme.

You don’t have to speculate on the different scenarios. That’s not helpful right now. All you can do is work on yourself and make yourself ready for whatever the future will throw at us, and do your part in making a positive one.

This could be the point of lockdown where you’re starting to move out of the panic phase of ensuring survival, and are able to move into higher-level brain function again. If you’re not, that’s okay, it could still take some time. If you’re struggling, don’t be afraid to ask for help. There are people out there who can help. Just remember that this is a process, a process of so many different emotions, sometimes on a loop, sometimes all at once in a flurry of chaos, and that’s okay.

Take care of yourself. Survive. Find a new normal.

Octavia’s journey in season six was about shedding the pain and trauma of her old life, and finding a new one to believe in. Until she did that, she didn’t have to worry about the greater plot nonsense that was going on. That’s our journey now too. The world is changing. How, we don’t know yet. But take this time to make yourself strong for whatever is to come, because whichever scenario wins out, a strong you will always be beneficial.

Ste yuj. (Stay strong.) Because humanity is resilient. And from the ashes, we will rise.

[hayffiebird]

Taste of Strawberries, Chap. 21

Hayffie Post-Mockingjay Multi-chapter, Rated M

I hope you like angst on your fanfic sandwish :) Leave a comment and tell me your thoughts!

Also: (spoiler not a spoiler) I included the Capitol anthem from the new THG book “The ballad of songbirds and snakes” but it doesn’t give away the story so it’s safe to read.

Chapter 21 The betrayal

*ring ring*

… What?

*swallows back a sob* Haymitch? Haymitch, it’s me.

Ah. There she is. Long time no princess. What can you want?

I’m sorry. I know I should have called you a long time ago.

Oh, I remember that voice. Effs Trinket needs a shoulder to cry on, huh? So she goes to good ol’ Haymitch. Course. *takes a mouthful of something* It’s too bad mine’re all the way down here then. Both of ‘em.

I can take the train. If I go now I ought to be…

Here in a day. Yeah. And I’m supposed to just welcome you with open arms?

Haymitch…

That’s my name.

I really must speak to you. It’s im…

What for? I’m a dead-end drunk, remember?

I’ve never called…

No, that’s right. Your words were much fancier.

I know you’re angry. This is not easy for me either but…

I’m fine, sweetheart. Just fine. Can’t ruin a life that’s already ruined, right? I s’pose you want all your crap back? Yeah, the kids have it. They think you’re gonna come back, you know. “When hell freezes over”, am I right? But you know Peeta. I’ll just tell ‘em to send it over straight away so you never have to set your foot here ever again. Great, huh?

You left me, Haymitch! I didn’t want you to go! I didn’t want it to end!

Could’ve fooled me. *twists the top of another bottle* And don’t you worry your pretty head, sweetheart. You’ll get over it. Trust me. Soon you’re gonna find some nice, wholesome guy who does exactly what he’s told. It’ll be all: “Yes, Euphemia. No, Euphemia. Whatever you say, Eu…”

Don’t call me that! Haymitch, please! Mrs. Q, she… she tried to… I need you! If you care about me at all…

Oh, I cared about you. A lot. More than a lot. Should’ve fucking known better. So why don’t you call Plutarch or Octavia or any other of your friends and just leave me alone. Cause I owe you nothing. Nothing at all.

*sobs* I’m so stupid.

Have a wonderful life, Eff. I’m sure you’re gonna be deliriously happy.

*toot toot*

xXx

There was still some broth left. Katniss slipped her flask into a jacket pocket and poured a second mug.

The storm had finally blown itself out, for now anyway, but one look through the window quelled all hope for a hunting day. No point roaming the woods for sustenance when the snow lay waist-deep.

She fed Buttercup her last piece of bacon and carried the mug into the living room.

“I’m going to the bakery.”

Nightmares had made Haymitch kick all the cushions off the couch again. He lay on his side with the knife cradled against his chest like some scary version of a teddy bear.

“There’re scrambled eggs if you want it,” Katniss said. “And some bacon. I left it on the stove.”

She couldn’t set the mug down. Wasn’t enough space on the coffee table and Haymitch grunted at the sound of glass against glass when she tossed the empties in the container by the door.

He muttered something she couldn’t make sense of and pulled his arm up over his eyes to ward off the light from the one lamp. “Drink the broth at least.” She placed the cup at arm’s reach and was gone.

It was almost a month now since Haymitch set up camp on their couch. One day mid-dinner he just staggered into their living room and he hadn’t left since.

He was decent enough to not completely trash the place but still, you didn’t want Haymitch Abernathy for a roommate. He was hard enough to deal with nextdoor.

Katniss couldn’t stand it being at home these days. Haymitch woke both her and Peeta almost every night with the agonized sounds he made in his sleep and daytime was no better.

Their mentor, hollow-eyed and shrunken on the couch – it all reminded her too much of her mother and Katniss fled when she couldn’t help. She kept to the woods as much as possible and if not the woods the bakery or the Hob or Hazelle’s.

Anywhere but home.

When they finally asked him if it wasn’t time he moved back to his own house, they cleaned it for him, Haymitch only shot them a long look, like a dog they had just mistreated and rolled over so he faced the couch.

“She’s there,” that’s all he muttered.

And what could they do? Not tie him up and dump him somewhere. He was their mentor and they already owed him more than they could ever repay.

They had known something was off the moment they got home, the day before Christmas Eve.

They walked up the old pathway, loaded with bags and the first thing they saw when they passed Haymitch’s house was the Christmas tree lying in the snow, still green and frosty and covered with ornaments. Like someone had just thrown it out the door.

And it wasn’t the only thing.

In the ever-growing light they saw the ground littered with items. Towels and bed sheets and bath robes lay in bundles, all frozen stiff. Soggy, old newspapers and magazines too, blown apart by the frisk wind.

Her clothes were everywhere, along with an endless number of bottles and jars and other beauty products half-buried in the snow. They found napkins and slippers, perfume bottles and pillows. Hairbrushes, tea cups, blankets, curtains, shower curtains, even anagrammed towel hangers attached to chunks of the bathroom wall.

The state of his house was even worse, like a twister had gone through it. They asked him about it but Haymitch was a closed book.

Then, of course they found Effie’s note on their kitchen table and it wasn’t hard to piece together what had happened in their short absence.

They wanted to help. Of course they did. Only, how? Wasn’t like they could change what had already happened or say anything to make it better.

Not that Peeta didn’t try to talk to him. Talk at him. Finally Katniss stepped up and said, not unkindly,

“Just leave him be.”

Haymitch had said next to nothing the whole time but when Katniss and Peeta turned to leave he stopped them in their tracks.

“Just so we’re clear,” he said and looked Peeta straight in the eye; a feat considering how intoxicated he was. “You don’t get any ideas ‘bout calling the Capitol, alright. I mean it, boy. This is my wreckage.”

Sun set early this time of year. For the remaining hours, Katniss and Peeta dug for treasures in Haymitch’s garden, until they had to squint in order to see. And even then some of Effie’s belongings would probably not be found until Spring.

They brought it all back to their house. Silently, Peeta filled the sink with hot water and suds and washed the plates and glasses and tea cups while Katniss stood at the ready with a towel, both of them deep in thought.

Back in District 4, when Peeta gathered her in bed, he had teased her about their cosy, up-coming Christmas. Painted her pictures of Effie plaguing both her and Haymitch with her bright holiday spirit and bringing them gifts – wrapped in regular wrappings so she didn’t technically break Haymitch’s rule of “no Christmas presents.”

Dinner at the Hob would follow where Effie would spend about two thirds of it clucking over Haymitch’s table manners and Haymitch stating he should just hire her voice to cut his turkey for him and “we’re not doing this again, that’s for sure”, all the while not quite able to keep his hands to himself.

“And then they’ll top the evening with a see-through excuse like ‘I’m gonna go get a bottle’ or ‘I am simply exhausted. Do you mind if we call it a night?’,” Peeta finished and grinned at Katniss who squirmed like a worm in hot ashes.

It just felt good to make fun of their mentor being happy for once. Happy with Effie.

Now, everything was in ruins and tomorrow would be just like any other day, with Haymitch drunk and getting drunker.

Not that Christmas had ever been a busy affair in the Victor’s Village. They had dinner and that was pretty much it. A slightly fancier one, perhaps, with about a 50% chance of Haymitch joining. He only ever showed up last New Year’s because of Effie.

Because of Effie. That phrase applied for many aspects of Haymitch’s life, didn’t it? He’d deny it but just the fact she got him to even consider drying out pretty much said everything.

“Maybe we should call her,” Peeta wondered, not sure himself.

“But you heard him,” Katniss said. “This is none of our business. And they’ll come around, eventually.”

They were both so used to their mentor and escort’s antics. Those stubborn, old fools were always at each other’s throat and through and through they found a way back to one other. Back at each other’s side.

This too would pass, surely? Sooner or later, one of them would swallow their pride and pick up the phone.

And while Katniss and Peeta waited for that call they stored Effie’s things for safe-keeping, well out of Haymitch’s sight and stopped asking questions.

But February rolled to a close with dark days and even darker nights. Life in Twelve was just one storm after another and people were forced to seek shelter at the Hob so as not to get lost in them. The vixen’s cry echoed in the night and Katniss and Peeta stored up on candle sticks for the blackouts.

March came with the deceiving breath of spring only to bury the district in a second winter. Hazelle’s kids put her on bed rest after a sprained ankle. Brooks gushed in plentiful streams under the ice and an apple-cheeked Katniss returned from the woods, game bag loaded with wild turkey.

April arrived with warmer weather. Tiny greens peeked in people’s gardens and the patches of last year’s grass grew bigger for each day. Water dropped down every icicle and town’s kids and Seam kids alike melted snow in water barrels to make the spring come faster.

Everyone kept busy. It was a time of change, of rebirth. Winter was finally over and it had a rejuvenating effect on everyone.

Well, almost everyone.

Effie’s name was never mentioned and yet she was ever present. If an outsider walked past and saw Haymitch on the couch he might think “same old, same old”. But Katniss and Peeta were family and they knew him better than that.

Haymitch had never been an easy person to deal with and definitely not a happy-go-lucky one. But every once in a while, if he had a couple hours of dreamless sleep it was like he got an energy boost.

That’s when he got up, checked on the geese, helped Peeta in the bakery, maybe just had a hot meal down at the Hob before he returned to his bottles.

Now, it was like he didn’t care about anything anymore. He just lay on the couch, drinking and God help the one who bothered him. He only ever left for the bathroom breaks or when his liquor ran out.

But even that came to an end.

It happened when Haymitch staggered into the Hob on a Sunday morning.

“Usual,” he slurred and tossed handfuls of money on Ripper’s bar counter.

“Sorry, Haymitch. You’re too early,” she said. “The train doesn’t arrive until Monday. We’re all out now.”

“Usual!” Haymitch repeated, louder this time like she was slow. Sighs rose from around the tables.

“It’s Sunday,” Ripper told him patiently. “Come back tomorrow and I’ll get your bottles. I can’t sell it to you now because we’re out.”

She couldn’t make him understand. Each time she tried Haymitch only got surlier. “Wha’s the problem?” he whined. “I have money. Wha’s the problem?”

He scared some of the little kids eating breakfast with their parents. The temperature in the diner seemed to have dropped twenty degrees and finally a gray-haired old man muttered, loud enough for Haymitch to hear it,

“Who’d have thought we’d ever wish for that fancy sow to come back?”

That’s when Haymitch wielded his knife. He was so drunk it was pathetic but for Ripper that was it! She kicked him out and told him either he left his knife at home or he would have to get someone else to buy him his liquor.

From then on, Katniss and Peeta stocked up his supplies and Haymitch found even fewer reasons to get up.

What for?

Maybe it would have been better, Katniss thought. Less cruel, if he never got those precious few months with Effie. Because losing her, losing her altogether and not just as a lover, seemed to have opened a crack in his rock bottom and pushed him down that hole as well.

And Effie, how was she doing?

xXx

May. God, he hated May. Ever since he turned twelve, the month right before the Hunger Games was nothing but a ticking clock. Even now, years after the war had ended, there were still times when he started awake, thinking,

Reaping day’s almost here!

He couldn’t sleep. While he marinated his liver a bug had detoured in to the house and was now buzzing about in the window.

The sound unnerved him because the bloody thing just wouldn’t give up! It bumped and thumped against the glass over and over again, yearning for freedom.

It was Peeta’s damn fault. He always opened a window when it rained.

Finally he couldn’t take it anymore.

“Alright, alright,” Haymitch growled and swung his legs off of the couch.

It was a wasp. Not the tracker jacker kind, just a regular one. It crawled along the window sill, flew into the glass once more and wiggled it’s antennae in irritation.

“Out with you now,” Haymitch muttered as he struggled with the window hooks. “Be free.” And watched the bug disappear.

The night air felt balmy against his skin. He took his time unscrewing the lid on the silver hip flask. The geese were quiet for a change but the mockingjays were still up, frisky and begging for company. He ran his hand through his wild beard and drank the flask dry. It didn’t take long.

He was just looking for something to fill it up with when he heard the sound. One even his soaked brain could place.

A phone. Ringing.

His mind jumped to Effie and he could’ve kicked himself for it. He resisted the desire to slam the window shut and closed it before he returned to the couch. The coffee table held nothing but empties. They clinked under his fingertips until he found one with some in it. He lifted it to his lips and greeted the burn with a sigh of relief.

Outside, the ringing continued. Even with the window closed, there was no escaping it.

It’s not her. Why’d she call now? No reason for her to call now.

After what felt like 10 years, the phone silenced. The knot in his stomach eased somewhat and after he promised himself to tear the phone out the wall as soon as the sun rose he walked over to the cabinet and peeked inside.

“Thank you, kids,” he mumbled at the welcomed sight. He grabbed same bottles at random and brought them back to the couch. But before he got the chance to flop down on his ass-print the phone went off again.

“Oh, fuck me,” he wheezed.

Who called him at three in the morning? No, strike that. Who called him, period?

Sweat trickled down his sides in never-ending streams. The sound played on his nerve strings like a violin. It was the wasp all over again because the caller, whoever it was, didn’t give up. Refused to stop until he did something about it.

A hundred whispered insults spilled over Haymitch’s lips as he pulled on his shoes.

He hadn’t seen the inside of his house in months. The last time he was here had been a fucking nightmare. Broken furniture, broken everything.

The long, hard signals cut through the stillness like a knife.

It’s not her.

He picked up the phone and the blare of music nearly ripped her ear drum. He held the thing a meter away.

“Hello?” someone called. “Helloo?”

He brought the phone closer.

“Who is this?”

“Well, hi to you too!” the person laughed. It was a woman’s voice. One he recognized, only he couldn’t quite place it. From the Capitol at least. “How’s the bachelor’s life treating you, Haycock?” the stranger woman asked. When he didn’t answer she went on, “It’s me, Gloria! Gloria Highgrass. We met at Octavia’s birthday party, remember? Yellow dress. Good-for-nothing cousin by my side.”

Haymitch drew a silent sigh. Of course.

“Where you’ve been hiding, hm?” she asked. ”Haven’t seen you in a while. Finally tired of your afternoon delight?”

“Why don’t you go fuck yourself.”

“Oh,” Gloria chuckled. “You kiss your bottle with that mouth? What would Effie said?”

Her words drew giggles. Clearly, they had an audience and he was just about to slam the phone down when she said,

“I just saw her, that little cock-warmer of yours. And between you and me: I don’t blame you for leaving. What a mess, haha! You screwed her up good, Haycock! She’s so unfuckable now! Well done, sir. Well done.”

And her brilliant laughter hammered his head.

“Do you know we all placed bets on how long the two of you would last? It’s true! You cost me a fortune, Haycock! You guys stuck it out way longer than I thought. And then my useless cousin told me about your little scene at the train station. ‘Get your shit together’ and all that. God, I wish I was there!”

She had a sip of something and then rallied on,

”You wanna know what I think? I think she planned the whole thing. So you’d never leave her. Too bad she forgot that district scum scurry off like cockroaches once the light’s on. Well, she’s paying for it now, isn’t she? How’d she tell you? Before or after you cleared out?”

It was a wonder the phone didn’t break in Haymitch’s fist. He could hardly breathe, that’s how furious he was. But he refused to give this woman the satisfaction of him losing his temper.

“Hey, lady,” he said, in a very measured voice. “If you know something about Effie, spit it out. Or else you can just stop wasting my time and go back to your pathetic little life.”

That finally silenced her. For about three seconds.

”You don’t know?” she said. “You kidding me? He doesn’t know!”

And everyone on the other end broke down in hysterical laughter. Gloria contained hers just long enough to say,

”Come back to the Capitol, Haycock! See for yourself!”

And she slammed the phone in his ear.

He couldn’t stand another second in this place. Her things may be gone but he still felt Effie’s presence in every corner of the house. Like fumes slowly killing you.

He didn’t realize how much his hands trembled until he was back on the couch. He balled them into fists.

The nerve of that woman! “Come see for yourself.” The hell’s that supposed to mean?

He needed a drink. He wiped his sweaty palms on his pants and tipped the first bottle he found in to his mouth, again and again until he came up choking.

The liquor numbed his worries like they numbed everything else.

“You screwed her up good.” Yeah, that’s likely. He didn’t fancy himself being important enough to lose even a minute’s sleep over.

Maybe so. But you’re not the only bad thing that’s happened to her. Remember?

“She’s fine,” he told the empty room. “Just fine.” Probably thrived now that she didn’t have to deal with him anymore. That low-life Gloria Highgrass was just fucking with his head. She wanted to cause a spectacle, get some gossip material, that’s all.

If Effie was in any kind of need all she had to do was pick up the phone and call him.

Besides, wasn’t like she kept in touch to see how he was fairing. It was damn clear she didn’t want anything to do with him anymore. And if she didn’t care, why should he?

Yeah, he thought and reached for the next bottle. Let her deal with her own demons.

xXx

If Haymitch thought he was the only one up he was wrong. Katniss slept a deep slumber for once but all the creaks and groans coming from the floorboards downstairs finally wormed their way into Peeta’s dreams until he flinched awake.

The room burned with morning light. Peeta’s heart pounded in his chest but he remained still so as not to disturb Katniss while he listened to the sounds below.

It wasn’t the first time Haymitch “ghosted the halls”. Peeta remembered it especially well from their train rides together and back at the penthouse during the Games.

Sometimes it seemed like Haymitch just couldn’t stand to remain in the same place, locked inside his own head. And that’s when he stalked from room to room, aimlessly. Like a bear in a cage. Well, a bear with a bottle in its paw.

No, it wasn’t the first time but it was the first time in a while. And he used to go to bed with the sun so what was he still doing up?

At least with Haymitch on the couch, you knew where you had him. Finally Peeta carefully extracted himself from Katniss and slipped out of bed, just to check on him. That wouldn’t be a first either.

He reached the foot of the stairs just as Haymitch returned in to the living room, surprisingly sober. Sobered up. He sunk down on the couch, elbows on his knees. He never noticed Peeta. His eyes were squarely focused on something in his hands.

Peeta couldn’t tell what it was at first but then Haymitch shifted it over and the penny suddenly dropped.

It was a paper goose. The paper goose. He knew it well because it used to sit on the window sill back in his studio. Haymitch must have ventured inside and stumbled upon it by co-incidence.

Effie’s paper goose. Well, Haymitch’s really since she gave it to him.

Peeta remembered the day she made it. It was the summer Haymitch had brought her here after the over-dose.

She had one of her good days and joined them for breakfast in the studio. He painted, Katniss ate cheese buns, Haymitch doodled a horrible caricature of Effie and in exchange she made him this little origami creature.

A good day in an ocean of bad ones.

Shortly after, the night terrors sent her in a down-ward spiral again and just to keep her from clocking out Haymitch said he thought about getting some geese. What’d she think?

The idea probably originated from Chaff. Eleven’s victor loved everything made from the bird. Roast goose and buttered potatoes, corned goose hash, fried eggs with mushrooms.

Those were the dishes he ordered at the training centre before the third Quarter Quell and if memory didn’t deceive Peeta he even told Caesar Flickerman after he was crowned victor, that he liked to raise geese once he returned to District Eleven.

Now he never really got that idea off the table. Instead, Haymitch did. Well, sort of. None of his birds had ever wound up on a plate.

In any case, Peeta bet the whole ”let’s go to Eleven” adventure wasn’t motivated by some great desire to buy geese. That’s just what Haymitch had her believe. Because for whatever reason Effie lived up a little whenever she got to plan things. It gave her a sense of control.

It was slick how he played it. Made her think “This will be good for Haymitch” when really it was “good for Effie”. Something to keep her mind occupied. His own way to try and coax her out of her depression.

A hundred memories drenched up by one paper bird. That’s what Peeta witnessed this very moment. Haymitch could have crushed it easily. Just made a fist and tossed it on the fire. He tossed everything else that even vaguely reminded him of her.

He didn’t. The way he held it, you’d think it was one of his goslings and he had a look on his face that would not have been there, had he known someone was watching.

“Morning,” Katniss yawned as she walked in to the kitchen, hours later. Peeta stood by the stove, quietly pouring hot water through the tea leaves. She reached for the jug of orange juice to set it on the table. “Where’s Haymitch at? I didn’t see him.”

“On the train.”

Katniss stopped, eyebrows lifted.

“You sure?”

In answer, he pointed at the table and she discovered the note, jotted down on a scrap of paper.

I’m gonna go see Effie. Call her and tell her I’m coming, OK? Thanks.

“You talked to her? What’d she say? What?” she asked at the look on Peeta’s face.

“I tried, for about an hour,” he said. “I can’t get through. The phone’s disconnected.”

xXx

Gem of Panem Mighty city Through the ages, you shine anew

Intertwined with their laughter, the Capitol anthem echoed around the deserted city. Morning light stretched their shadows into four giants as they walked down the street, arm-in-arm. Their makeup was smeared, the flowers in their outfits drooping. All evidence of what a smash hit the night had been!

We humbly kneel To your ideal And pledge our love to you!

Coriana’s voice rose highest of them all, the only member in their quartet who could hit all the high notes, drunk or sober, but they all joined in just as merrily with the voice they had.

Gem of Panem Heart of justice Wisdom crowns your marble brow

It felt good, comforting, to chant the age old verses of their childhood. The real anthem of Panem. The politically correct atrocity Paylor whipped together didn’t hold a candle to it!

You give us light You reunite To you we make our vow

Tipsy to say the least, Priscilla wobbled dangerously in her sky-high heels but each time she careened to far to the left, they steered her right again with many giggles and “Oopsy-daisy!”

Gem of Panem Seat of power Strength in peacetime, shield in strife

“Oh, this is my favorite part!” warbled Imogen who couldn’t carry a tune with a gun to her head.

Protect our land With armored hand Our Capitol, our…

Lancer gasped, mid-through the final crescendo. Linked with the others he almost toppled them over at sudden halt.

“My gracious!” he said. “It’s Haymitch Abernathy!”

Up ahead, a man had just appeared round a corner. Ruffled clothes, hair hanging forward, everything about him completely out of place here. He paid them no attention but it was him, without a doubt. The drunken traitor of District 12.

“You heard about him and Effie Trinket, right?” Imogen asked in a loud whisper.

“Of course we heard,” said Coriana. “The whole town knows.”

“Ugh. Just look at him.” Priscilla wrinkled her nose. “At least on television he dressed decently. Disgusting!”

“She’s the one who’s disgusting,” Lancer said and pursed his lips. “He’s district. What did you expect? But a Capitolian really should know better.”

“I would jump off a cliff if it was me!”

“It could never be you, Imogen, the very thought!” said Coriana. “What’s he doing here again? Flaunting himself on our streets after what he did. What they did!”

If Haymitch heard them he didn’t show it and he didn’t change his course. When they remained shoulder to shoulder, gawking at him he sawed right through them like they were a flock of pigeons and they jumped apart with furious cries.

“You should be ashamed of yourself!” Priscilla shouted to his back. “I really think you should!”

Those four weren’t the only ones who questioned what Haymitch was doing in the Capitol. Had there been one positive consequence of him and Effie breaking up it was that he would never have to see this place again.

Well, the joke’s on him.

She’s not back on pills, he told himself as he kicked a squashed ice cream cup far up the street. She promised she wouldn’t go down that road again.

The train ride was hell on earth. Throughout the long hours he failed to quiet his mind, to shake off his worries over Glorias’s words and why he couldn’t get a call through to Effie. Just thinking about their impending reunion made him sick, until he finally caved in to the bottles in his duffel.

Ironically, the one thing that stopped him from drinking himself completely senseless was the paper goose, now hitching a ride in his pocket. It helped him focus.

Walking the deserted avenues, through glitter and serpentines left from some party only reminded him of the first time he came here unannounced.

Little Ms. Hypocrite. She was one to talk about having someone almost die in your arms.

But she’s not back on pills.

The brightness of the sun reflected in the candy buildings, the lush public gardens alive with bird song, the bounty flowerbeds, the gushing fountains. It was like the Capitol mocked him with its splendor. Days like this were Effie’s favourites.

And there her building was. He saw it over the roof tops, windows reflecting bits of the blue sky. With a grimace, Haymitch slowed his steps like he’d run out of gas. Fuck it. He needed a drink. One more or less, what did it matter? He wasn’t going to stay here long anyway.

He was still struggling to close the zipper as he entered her street, her curb. He pulled the straps over his shoulder, about to give the door a knock.

And he just stared. Dumb-founded, for half a minute or more. Gaped at her front door, like the gaggle of fools he passed earlier.

No, no this can’t be right, he thought, unable to take in what his eyes were telling him. It’s gotta be a mistake.

The name plate on Effie’s door was gone. The window shutters were all closed. He turned the handle. It wouldn’t budge. He rang the bell. He knocked, pounded rather. No one opened. The place was completely dead.

But it made no sense! Effie had lived in this apartment almost all her life!

He walked over to the windows, shielded his eyes from the sunlight as he tried to peer through the shutters for any movements inside. 

“Eff?”

He returned to the door, raised his hand for another knock.

“She’s not here,” a voice rung out.

He turned at the sound. On the other side of the road, just across from him, stood an old lady. The same dry twig of a woman he’d seen twice before. At least twice.

“Mr. Abernathy,” she said. The sun glinted off the gem stones in her wrinkled cheeks. Her mouth was pressed into a thin line. “Didn’t think I would ever see you here again.”

He crossed the road.

“The hell’s going on here? Where’s Effie?”

The woman’s pale green eyes pierced his. She had to lift her chin to do it. Just like Sae she barely cleared his shoulders but that’s where the similarities ended. Because this woman’s eyes held none of her warmth or gaiety.

And yet, behind the frost he noticed that same sadness he’d seen there before. Only not for him.

“I warned her”, she said. “I told her from the very beginning not to get involved with someone like you. A man who would give her nothing but heartache. But she never heeded my advice. She didn’t want to listen.”

“Here’s an idea,” Haymitch cut her off. “How ‘bout you quit playing games with me and tell me what you know.”

“I blame myself,” the woman continued, unfazed by the interruption. “I insisted she applied for an escortship. If she became an architect like she first wanted, she wouldn’t be where she is now. Maybe none of us would.”

“Who are you?” Haymitch demanded. “What’s your name?”

“Mrs. Quinlan.”

Quinlan? He had definitely heard that name before. Nothing Games related, at least he didn’t think so. No, Effie had mentioned her at some point. Yeah, at the hospital, after her rescue. She asked if she was still alive. If she was safe.

Mrs. Q.

“You’re Eff’s landlady.”

The woman shook her head.

“Not anymore.”

“Because you kicked her out.”

“She’s beyond my help,” Mrs. Quinlan said. “Euphemia was a good girl, Mr. Abernathy. A good daughter. I have wept blood for her sake but I never gave up on her. Even after the war. She got one last chance to make amends. To build up a life for herself that she could be proud of. And she went and threw it all away the moment she decided to keep your young.”

Haymitch heard the words, loud and clear, but it was like he couldn’t absorb them. Make sense of what she just said.

It was like when he was little and broke his arm, falling down a tree. They all saw it was broken but it didn’t hurt. Not straight away. Like the shock was so great nothing registered.

“’Keep my young?’ he rasped. Heat rose up his throat and face until it burned. “What do you mean ‘keep my young’?”

For the first time, a flicker of surprise registered on Mrs. Quinlan’s face.

“Where is she?” He didn’t think his voice would carry at all. Instead it echoed around the buildings. “If not here, where’s she staying?”

“Go home, Mr Abernathy,” she said. “You have done enough damage as it is.”

“If you don’t want me to wake the entire neighborhood, you tell me where she is!”

Sleepy heads already poked out windows at the commotion. There were murmurs, curious looks thrown their way. Mrs. Quinlan’s lips pressed into the same tight line.

“She moved in with Caesar Flickerman’s daughter. I assume I don’t have to tell you which one.”

xXx

The bearded dragon slumped on her favorite spot in the vivarium - a gnarled old tree root and basked in the warm rays slanting through the windows.

When they first got her she fitted in your pocket. Now they had to use both hands to carry her properly. Sandy yellow and with a look on her face like “you’re all beneath me” you’d think she was the distant cousin of a certain District 12 cat but it was only an illusion.

“Hey, you,” June said and slipped a hand inside the enclosure, knuckles down, fingers outstretched in an inviting gesture. The reptile crawled down the root and over to her. June gave her a soft scratch under the spiky chin and the animal climbed up her palm.

Annabel sat by the secretary desk, her tea long cold and forgotten, but when June passed, she took the time petting their dragon before she returned to her letter. She eyed what she’d just written, critically and gave a deep sigh.

“They won’t even…”

“They will,” said June. She had settled on the couch with the dragon on her lap. The animal closed her eyes under the soft strokes.

It had been a quiet, docile morning with just the occasional car passing by and the gentle scratch of pen against paper.

“The crates should arrive today,” said June and reached for her own cup of tea.

Right on cue the bell rang.

“Speaking of the devil,” said Annabel. She set the pen down and slowly and painfully flexed her fingers.

It rang again, on her way through the hallway.

“Coming!” She pulled her hair back in a hasty pony tail. A shadow moved behind the frosted glass. She took the chain off the door.

And came face to face with the victor of District 12.

”Mr. Abernathy,” she said, eyebrows lifted. “I…”

He didn’t let her finish.

”Effie,” he said. His face was a deep red. “She here?”

“Bel?” June’s voice fluttered in from the living room.

“Is she here?” Haymitch repeated, the fury behind the words only barely contained. “Never mind that. I know she is.”

“She’s here, Mr. Abernathy,” said Annabel.

That’s all he needed. He pushed past her.

“Eff?” he called as he stalked into the living room. June had risen, face white as paper. The dragon’s tail flailed between her cupped hands at the sudden alarm.

Annabel had followed inside and he turned on her again.

“I know all about it,” he spat. She could smell the hard liquor fumes on him. June quickly set the reptile back in the safety of the vivarium. “I know she’s pregnant so don’t try and lie to me!”

“I’m not lying to you.”

“Where is she?”

“She’s resting.”

“Well, go and wake her up!”

“Mr. Abernathy,” she said, voice suddenly firm. “You will not shout in my house.”

“I don’t care! She thought she can just have my kid and never tell me? Who the hell does she think she is!? I wanna talk to her. Give her a piece of my mind!”

“Not until you’ve calmed down!”

“The hell with you! I’ll go find her myself.”

He turned for the door but she was right at his heel.

“Stop it!” June cried when Haymitch shoved Annabel’s hand off of him. The tea cup knocked over and crashed against the floor. The dragon ran frantically around in its cage. “Stop!”

“Get your fucking hands off me!”

“Haymitch, what are you doing!?”

Her cry made them all turn. Flushed and out of breath from the rush and alarm Effie stood in the doorway, a robe carelessly thrown over her nightdress. Her eyes locked on his, for the first time in months and the words choked in his throat. It was like the rest of the room and everyone in it just disappeared. Everyone but Effie.

And through the blood pounding in his head he could make only one coherent thought.

What have I done to her?

xXx

“I’ll be in the back if you need anything,” Annabel said as she swept up the last of the broken cup. A spitting mad June had already retreated to their bedroom, carrying the dragon with her and now Annabel went as well, leaving Haymitch and Effie to talk in private.

Not that Haymitch looked like he’d ever speak again. He hunkered in the armchair with his arms crossed over his chest. Effie sat on the couch but they could just as well be light years apart.

“Who told you?” she asked in a hushed voice.

”Does it matter?” He wasn’t yelling now. Wouldn’t even look at her. He seemed to have aged ten years in the past half hour.

“No,” said Effie. “No, I suppose not.”

She had a blanket draped over herself. Like that was going to hide anything.

“I thought you were on the pill?”

“I was.”

“Time and money you could’ve saved, clearly,” he said through gritted teeth. “And the whole Capitol knows I’m the father?”

“Yes,” she said quietly. “I wanted to tell you.”

“So why didn’t you? If you have my kid rolling around in your tummy I deserve to know about it, don’t you think?”

When she didn’t answer straight away his eyes darted to her face. And his insides contracted all over again as cold panic flooded his limbs.

“What, Eff?”

”It’s...” Her voice faltered. “We’re not...”

“We’re what?”

He saw his own anxiety mirrored in her eyes. She placed her hand against her stomach and his throat closed up. Because he knew the truth before she said it.

No! No, I don’t wanna hear it!

”It’s two,” she said. “Haymitch, I’m so sorry you had to find out this way. I didn’t…”

But Haymitch had already heaved himself to his feet. He wanted to throw up. He would throw up.

“I can’t do this.”

”Wait,” she said but he didn’t look at her. Couldn’t look at her and her big stomach.

”I need some air.”

xXx

“Good afternoon, Mathilda,” Mr. Bumble smiled when he crossed her door. His elegant, twirled up mustache was dyed a dusk pink today, the same color as the lap dog, freezing at his feet.

“Good afternoon, Mr. Bumble,” Mrs. Quinlan said, hoping he would pick up on the very inappropriate use of her first name.

He didn’t.

“I’d stay and chat,” he said, “but Helga is waiting for us.” And he gave his bouquet of blue roses a little wave. “It’s our anniversary, you know! 25 years!”

“How wonderful. Give her my best,” Mrs. Quinlan said mechanically as he trotted off down the street. If Helga was home or even remembered what day it was, she would eat up her hat.

She dropped the key in to her handbag and crossed the road, mindful of any ice patches hidden under the fresh snow.

The door was locked but that she only expected. So she slipped her hand into her handbag and got out different set of keys. Normally she took pride in not using them but the girl had sounded very off on the phone. Sad.

“Euphemia?” she said as she stepped inside. The flat was dark but she turned the lights on as she went. She knew her way around this apartment, almost as well as her own. “Euphemia, where are you?”

She heard noises from the master bedroom. Retches that led her straight for the adjoined bathroom.

Effie’s nightgown clung to her with sweat. Slumped down on her knees, she clutched the toilet seat as she threw up. Tears and perspiration rolled down her face from the ordeal.

She didn’t hear anyone come in. That way she never saw the complete and utter shock on Mrs. Quinlan’s face. But she quickly composed herself again.

“Euphemia.”

Effie looked up, startled.

“Oh”, she groaned. She was pale as a sheet, her eyes wet and red. “Mrs. Q, now’s… not a good time.”

And she disappeared inside the bowl again as the next wave rolled in.

Mrs. Quinlan didn’t say anything. She just pulled up a stool and seated herself. She gathered Effie’s hair with one hand and held it back from her face until the worst was over.

When Effie grew still, head heavy against her arms, just heaving breaths of both exhaustion and relief Mrs. Quinlan reached for a towel.

“Here,” she said and soaked it under the faucet. “Clean yourself.”

“I’m sorry, Mrs. Q,” Effie mumbled and dabbed her mouth with it. She felt Mrs. Quinlan’s eyes on her and tried to elude them by wiping the tears off her cheeks. “I am not quite myself today.” 

“Euphemia.”

“Must be something I ate.”

“Euphemia, look at me, please.”

With an enormous effort, Effie lifted her head. She swallowed and swallowed. The color of her face had returned, from barely holding it together.

“Are you with child?”

Those words did it. It was like a dam broke. Effie buried her face against her babysitter’s lap and now they came. All those pent-up tears she hadn’t been able to shed since that awful day with Haymitch on the train station.

Mrs. Quinlan’s face was taut as a string.

”There now,” she murmured and stroked Effie’s hair. ”You will be alright. It’s going to be just fine.”

Effie soaked Mrs. Quinlan’s skirt with her sobs and it was like she was little again.

She’d been four or five and accidentally knocked over a vase. Everything in Mrs. Quinlan’s apartment was either ancient or valuable or both and little Effie stared in horror at the broken pierces. Finally she ran off and hid.

For the next half-hour Mrs. Quinlan had to go from room to room and from closet to closet, peer inside the cupboards and behind every thick curtain, calling her name. When she finally found her in the laundry basket Effie was so terror-struck she burst in to a wail of tears.

But Mrs. Q just scoped her up, pulled a dirty child sock off the side of her dress and carried her into the living room. With her skinny arms linked around Mrs. Q’s neck Effie sniveled and whimpered the entire time, her little body racked with sobs.

Mrs. Q. wrapped her in one of her own shawls that smelled of perfume and to the rhythm of the creaky old rocking chair, she hummed her to sleep with a Capitol lullaby.

She had never felt so safe.

“Why don’t you take a shower, Euphemia,” Mrs. Quinlan said once Effie’s sobs had subsided a little. She patted her hand between her own icy ones. “And then you and I will have a cup of nice, hot tea.”

“Oh, that is awfully sweet, mrs. Q, but I think I rather,” she started to object but Mrs. Quinlan only waved a finger in the air.

“It will do you some good,” she said. “Tea at my place, four o’clock.”

Effie had avoided Mrs. Quinlan’s flat for the past almost two years. She had spent a great deal of her childhood in the company of her landlady when mother and father couldn’t or wouldn’t take their daughter with them to one of their events.

But these days there was only one subject Mrs. Q wanted to discuss when they met and Effie found herself coming up with excuses. Because it didn’t matter how many times she tried to change the subject, Mrs. Q always steered the conversation back on the same sole topic.

Haymitch Abernathy.

Effie never talked about her and Haymitch’s relationship. Not with Mrs. Q or anyone else. But living just across the road, Mrs. Quinlan seemed to know everything anyway.

She didn’t approve. She never liked the gruff and unrefined victor of District 12 and nothing could change her mind.

She just didn’t understand. How could she? No one in the Capitol did.

“How far along are you?” she asked and poured them tea from the plump china pot. Effie tried to breathe through her nose. Just thinking about ingesting something made her queasy.

“Nine weeks.”

“Have you told him yet? Are you sure it’s his?”

“Mrs. Quinlan,” said Effie tiredly. “We’ve been through this. I’m sorry, but it’s private and really no one else’s business.”

“So, I take that as a yes,” she said mildly.

Exhausted, Effie’s eyes wandered longingly to the snow-specked window beyond Mrs. Q.

“He should have taken precautions,” the old woman said. “The situation he puts you in.”

”It wasn’t his fault,” said Effie. ”It just… happened.”

Mrs. Quinlan poured cream into her cup but Effie didn’t touch it. All she really wanted was to lie down.

There were cookies rounded up on the silvery cake stand. The frosting wasn’t like Peeta’s. Not nearly as nice but looking at them only reminded her of those lazy days in District 12 and Haymitch, teasing her for having such a sweet-tooth.

”Drink now,” said Mrs. Quinlan. “Add a little honey. Or would you rather I put some ginger in? It helps with the nausea.”

“No, it’s OK.”

Effie lifted the cup just to humor her. She was about to take a sip when the warm scent curled into her nose. A crease appeared between her eyebrows.

Mrs. Quinlan didn’t like surprises. Her routines had been virtually unchanged for the past decades. She washed her hands with the same kind of rose soap, combed her hair with the ivory comb that had survived two wars and she always drank jasmine tea.

This wasn’t jasmine tea. Effie should know. After all those tea parties at this very table, the flowery aroma was forever ingrained in her memory. She took another tentative sniff of the strange and unfamiliar fragrance.

It had a faint minty quality but not quite like the mint tea in District 12. She doubted she ever had it in the Capitol either. And yet the smell tugged at her, tried to tell her something.

Her eyes flitted to Mrs. Quinlan. The old woman stirred her own cup in slow, precise circles. The silver spoon rasped the bottom of the china. A cup she had yet to touch.

And a wave of dread flushed Effie’s face when the name surfaced.

”It’s pennyroyal.”

Mrs. Quinlan looked her in the eye. Her face was as hard and unyielding as the gems in her cheeks.

”You should never have let him into your bed.”

The beverage scalded Effie’s hands when she pushed back from the table. She stared at Mrs. Quinlan, eyes wide in terror.

”It’s for your own good, Euphemia. Nobody ever needs to know. It will be like it never happened.”

Effie didn’t stay to hear the rest. She fled the room, didn’t bother with her coat just bolted for the door. Her hands shook so badly she couldn’t work the locks and one terrible moment she thought herself trapped.

Footsteps approached or she imagined they did and a shriek escaped her lips. Then the door flew open and she staggered out into the sleet.

Blood pounded her ears as she locked her front door, fled into her bedroom and locked that door as well. She was shaking all over and slumped rather than sat down on the bed, hand clamped over her mouth.

I didn’t drink it. I never drank it.

Her vision was so blurred it took her three efforts to dial the right number. Her hand found her tummy and she tried to draw slow, deep breaths to calm the erratic beating of her heart.

”It’s OK,” she whispered to the unborn baby in her belly. ”It’s OK. You’re OK.”

So many signals just came and went, her hopes faltered with each one. Until,

“What?”

A sob slipped between her lips at the sound of his voice. She couldn’t help it. Her palm remained against her bump that wasn’t even a bump yet. Just a slight swelling beneath her dress. It made her feel stronger.

”Haymitch?” She fought to keep her voice steady. ”Haymitch, it’s me.”

“Ah, there she is,” he said with the nasty edge that sometimes crept into his voice when he drank, especially now under these circumstances. “Long time no princess. What can you want?”

“I’m sorry. I know I should have called you a long time ago.”

“Oh, I remember that voice. Effs Trinket needs a shoulder to cry on, huh? So she goes to good ol’ Haymitch. Course.” She heard him take a swig from a bottle. “It’s too bad mine’re all the way down here, then. Both of ‘em.”

“I can take the train.” Tears threatened to spill over her lashes but she held them back. Didn’t want to break down in to a blubbering mess. ”If I go now I ought to be…”

“Here in a day. Yeah. And I’m supposed to just welcome you with open arms?”

“Haymitch…”

“That’s my name.”

“I really must speak to you. It’s im…”

“What for?” he cut her off. “I’m a dead-end drunk, remember?”

“I’ve never called…”

“No, that’s right. Your words were much fancier.”

A wave of despair rose up within Effie. It was like a physical pain.

“I know you’re angry,” she said. ”This is not easy for me either but…”

“I’m fine, sweetheart. Just fine. Can’t ruin a life that’s already ruined, right? I s’pose you want all your crap back? Yeah, the kids have it. They think you’re gonna come back, you know. ‘When hell freezes over’, am I right? But you know Peeta. I’ll just tell ‘em to send it over straight away so you never have to set your foot here ever again. Great, huh?”

“You left me, Haymitch!” Effie cried and her voice broke. “I didn’t want you to go! I didn’t want it to end!”

“Could’ve fooled me.” He twisted the top of another bottle. “And don’t you worry your pretty head, sweetheart. You’ll get over it. Trust me. Soon you’re gonna find some nice, wholesome guy who does exactly what he’s told. It’ll be all: ‘Yes, Euphemia. No, Euphemia. Whatever you say, Eu…’”

“Don’t call me that!” she cried at the sound of Mrs. Quinlan’s name for her. “Haymitch, please!” She didn’t care that she begged now, hand clutched against her stomach like she could somehow protect it that way. ”Mrs. Q, she… she tried to… I need you! If you care about me at all…”

“Oh, I cared about you,” Haymitch said. “A lot. More than a lot. Should’ve fucking known better. So why don’t you call Plutarch or Octavia or any other of your friends and just leave me alone. Cause I owe you nothing. Nothing at all.”

Tears rolled down Effie’s face and she abandoned all efforts to try and stop them.

“I’m so stupid.”

“Have a wonderful life, Eff. I’m sure you’re gonna be deliriously happy.”

And she was left with just the flat audio tone.

Author’s note: I don’t know who I feel the most sorry for. Haymitch or Effie. How about you? And hayffie twins are on the way!

What did you think of Mathilda Quinlan? I face claim Geraldine Chaplin for her, the way she looked when she played Aurora in “The Orphanage”.

[travllingbunny]

The 100 rewatch: season 4 and the greyest morality ever

While I was trying to write a rewatch review of episode 4x12 The Chosen, it turned out I had too many thoughts on the complicated moral issues and lack of obvious right and wrong stance – so I’ve decided to put them in a separate post.

I don’t think the show has ever achieved this level of moral ambiguity as in these last episodes of season 4. Yes, there are many situations in the show where all options are bad in one way or another, but this is maybe the only time in the entire show where I really can’t say that there is a right or wrong choice. It’s probably the most horrible thing the characters have had to do – leave a number of people to die a horrible death just because there’s not enough place. 

And all of them have to do it, whichever side they’re taking. There is no option here where everyone is saved*. Twilight’s Last Gleaming was the episode where the show first showed me how bold it was – but this time, unlike in that episode, things aren’t made easier by having everyone volunteer to be killed.

*Or rather, there was an option where everyone – or at least the majority of people in the area – could have been saved. But pretty much everyone has forgotten about it. As we’ll find out in the next episode, the Nightblood solution works. If they had tested Clarke, they would have probably known that. If they had tested Emori, they also would have probably known that. In the end, Clarke’s heroic choice to inject herself with Nightblood and volunteer to be tested – ended up saving only her.

It’s interesting that, even now when it’s really in fashion to hate Abby for all sorts of things, no one seems to blame her for basically blowing up the chance to save hundreds – maybe thousands – of people from Praimfaya, which could have also spared them from the horror of the bunker. Abby herself feels so much guilt that she wants to die because she was being utilitarian and willing to test people in a radiation chamber order to find a way to save everyone, which made her feel she was becoming an “evil scientist” – and not because she blew that chance in the end. That’s probably because people generally feel that prioritizing your child over everything else and not being able to risk their life for the human race is completely understandable and not something people (especially mothers) should be blamed for. (…Except when it comes to Clarke in season 5. Hmm. I guess that’s different because people see Clarke’s fear of the Flame as irrational. While Abby’s fear was based on the fact that the radiation could kill Clarke and she had just seen a man die a horrible death that way… but wait, it was also based on a vision she had. Never mind.

Season 4 in particular revolves about the question, which is more moral, thinking about the “big picture”, saving as many people as you can, or saving concrete people that you know and love, or even just people who are in trouble right there in front of you? It’s not a question with a definite answer, and characters have been blamed by others or felt guilty both when they were willing to potentially sacrifice concrete individuals for the salvation of the human race, and when they decided to save people right there and then, risking the fate of the collective in the future.

I used to hate Jaha when I watched seasons 1-3 for the first time, but by season 4, I found myself understanding him better and appreciating him as a character (this was the first time he made my Top 10 characters list!), even if I don’t agree with him most of the time. I get where he’s coming from – and I was with him in 4x10 when he pointed out that the Final Conclave was an idiotic way to resolve the issue of the survival of human race. Someone had to say it. But his reasoning is all wrapped up in the fact that he sees himself as the leader of the Arkers, “his people” – as a group, and prioritizes them over others (like the Grounders), but at the same time, has always been willing to sacrifice any individual person for it, which made his care for “his people” feel not just tribalistic (just as much as any of the Grounder leaders who wanted the bunker just for their clan), but also very cold and impersonal. I certainly didn’t care for him trying to guilt-trip Bellamy by telling him he condemned 314 people to death by opening the bunker. If he hadn’t opened the bunker, he would have been condemning 800 people to death! And if it’s all about “your people”, who’s “your people” more than your family, people you love? Jaha seemed unable to understand that (which is why he didn’t predict what Abby would do to save Kane), since he had already lost the people he loved the most and sort of sacrificed his own son – which never stopped haunted him, but seems to have convinced him that his role of the savior of “his people” is something everyone should be able to sacrifice their loved ones for.

I’ve always mostly leaned to the view that opening the bunker was a better choice than leaving it closed – because it saved a greater number of people (1200 as opposed to 400+). Now, after seeing seasons 5 and 6, I’m starting to question that to an extent, because the bunker turned out to be such a horror show, and now, after the bunker and the gorge, only about 400 people from it survived. However, saving just a little over 400 people in the bunker would have been too few, and others still may have died in and after the bunker, so I still think saving 800 people at the expense of 300 other people was the right choice. This made it a good “Head” choice, as long as Bellamy was right that Octavia could prevent the Grounders from trying to kill Arkers (and ruin their own chances of survival, since they had no clue how to operate any of the devices necessary for producing or recycling air, water and food). And some of the arguments brought up by rebellious Arkers in this episode don’t hold water: “Jaha found the bunker” ignores the fact that he could have never found it without Gaia’s and Indra’s help (and Kane’s and Monty’s – and both of them were also going to be left out of the bunker to die); as for the idea that Arkers deserve more places in the bunker because they’re the ones who are necessary for everyone’s survival for their skills in operating the machines etc. – well, not all of them are necessary for that, and most of the people in Arkadia didn’t like that kind of reasoning back when they learned about the list, did they? If they thought it was wrong when applied to their lives, it’s also wrong when applied to the lives of Grounders.

However, there’s one other line of reasoning that had never crossed my mind before I heard it from a YouTube reactor I like. He thought that it was right that each “clan” got 100 people, because the surviving humans should reflect the diversity of cultures, without any of them dying out. Ironically, that’s IMO the first strong argument why the Arkers maybe should have gotten a lot more than 100 places in the bunker. His argument assumed that all of the 12 Grounder clans have very different cultures. But does what we’ve seen on the show support that? The only genuinely different Grounder lifestyles we’ve seen were from non-warriors like Luna’s Boat people (all dead anyway) and the Shallow Valley community that Madi was from (all died in Praimfaya – we don’t know who the 100 people from their clan in the bunker were), but other than that, it’s hard to see any cultural or other difference between Azgeda,  Trikru, Trishanakru etc. except for minor things like the type of warpaint. It’s the same language, religion, social structure, same prioritization of warriors. While Arkers are distinctly culturally different (and even different in their origin – since it was from 12 different world nations, rather than just USA and maybe Canada) from Grounders, but, thanks to the decision to become the “13rd clan”, are now all but extinct – with maybe 30-40 people surviving to season 6, and all but absorbed in the Grounder-dominated culture of Wonkru. In spite of the fact that Grounders have never won any battles against Arkers, while the latter defeated the Mountain Men, Grounders have always been able to dominate the Arkers by the sheer fact that there was just that many more of them. And the fact is that Grounders did try to screw over Arkers by coming up with the Final Conclave (they were all trying to screw each other and leave all other clans outside, of course, but making survival dependent on being able to win in a Grounder-style fight seemed like a sure way to leave Arkers to die – again), while refusing to share the bunker – and then, when “Skygirl” Octavia won that tournament against the odds, they were happy with her decision to share the bunker. (When you think of it, no one in that Conclave fought to have all the Arkers survive.)

So I kind of get the Arkers’ anger. But whatever the case may be, what was definitely not a good choice was starting another war less than a day before Praimfaya. I guess it was time for Arkers to do that, too, after we’ve seen similar with Grounders before the Final Conclave when they were insisting on fighting a war between each other. Because that kind of thing is a general people problem.

In terms of the “Heart”, of course Bellamy was not going to agree to sacrifice his sister, and Abby was not going to agree to sacrifice her lover. No one should be asked to definitely sacrifice their loved ones for the “greater good”. This kind of choice would leave one feeling like they’ve killed their own heart. I generally think that people really exaggerate Clarke’s “Head” role – which certainly doesn’t mean she doesn’t often act on emotion – but I think that season 4 is when she was being “Head” the most, in the sense that she was doing her best to focus on the big picture and save the human race. Bu that ended up making her feel like she had grown cold and turned into one of the people on the Council… or specifically, that she’s turned into Chancellor Jaha, someone she used to see as everything she hated. But there were always limits to how far she could go in prioritizing the big picture. If Bellamy and Abby haven’t been in the bunker, I don’t believe Clarke would have stolen it and kept it closed, either. But the fact that she was ready to leave her friends like Raven, Octavia, Monty to die (just like the earlier fact she hadn’t put some of her closest friends on the list) made her feel deeply guilty. She’s not proud of being able to make those tough choices to sacrifice people close to her for the wellbeing of the collective. But her willingness to do that has always hit a brick wall when it comes to Bellamy: the list, letting Roan blackmail her into giving Azgeda 50 seats, and finally, not being able to shoot him when she thought that would ensure the survival of the human race. (We luckily never learned if she would have given ALIE the password if her initial plan of torturing Bellamy had materialized.) Of course she was never going to be able to shoot him – but the very fact she thought, for a moment, that she could, shows how much she had tried to suppress her emotions in order to achieve the goal of saving the human race.

This is one of the reasons why Bellamy, in a way, is Clarke’s heart: she needed to get back in touch with that part of herself, back to who she used to be. It’s also why her final mission in these last two episode of season 4 is not to save the human race, but to save the people she loves; why she goes with Bellamy to save Raven, and then stays behind and does everything to save her friends, even when she thinks she’s practically already dead.

And it was Bellamy – the “Heart”, the one whose season 4 arc was all about saving individual people, not just those he loved by saving who we can today – whose season 4 arc ended with him having to make the heartbreaking decision to leave behind Clarke, one of the most important people in his life, because it was the only reasonable decision in the circumstances and the only way to save others.