#This week has been so hectic that today and most likely tomorrow are going to be my only free time to rest in a while

[romans-empire]

My inner thoughts and outward thoughts are so very different that I have no idea how I managed to keep them seperated. Sifloop save me.. save me from writing more articles... Save me Sifloop...

[elixirfromthestars]

A Rainy Rendezvous

Pairing: Steve Rogers x CIA!Reader

Summary: On a rainy night during a mission in Poland, you "bump into" someone who held a very important place in your heart in the past.

Word Count: 3.6k

Warning(s): brief mentions of CIA operatives / a bit of angst / a sprinkle of fluff / the one that got away vibes / mentions of being followed / mentions of a gun / stays within the marvel guidelines of action + fighting

requested by @espinosaurusrexex

a/n: Hello everyone! ❤️ Thank you for being so patient with me on these requests! ❤️❤️ Life has been very hectic lately between starting an internship, being a senior in college, and my dog passing away...it's been a lot. 💔 I’ve mentioned this before, but many of the requests are close to being done. I only have a few final touches and edits to add, so look forward to that in these upcoming weeks! ✨

sequel drabble 🤎 // birthday bingo masterlist 🤎 // main masterlist 🤎

“ I’ll check out the other location tomorrow. For now, I’m calling it a night,” you hung up the call, the simple click relieving some of the tension in your shoulders. Most days as an agent were tedious, but today had been another extreme of it entirely. Your informant double-crossed you, causing your undercover identity to be potentially compromised. 

You spent the majority of the day chasing dead-end leads as to where your informant had gone to hide away. The soles of your feet ached and the rainy chill of the night was bringing in no added comfort. You buttoned up your denim jacket, stopping the icy wind from seeping itself further into your chest.

You walked the unfamiliar streets of Kraków in the general direction of the hotel you had been stationed in. As exhausted as you were, it was your first time in Poland and it was small opportunities like this one where you could take in the beauty of the countries you worked in.

After your wasted efforts of the day, you weren’t going to waste a second of this.

You weren’t alone on your nightly stroll. Locals and tourists alike bustled about, enjoying what the city had to offer—despite the weather. 

You passed by multiple local businesses and restaurants before stopping at one of the stalls near St. Mary’s Basilica. An elderly couple was selling braided bread and mulled wine. Your Polish needed some work, but you knew enough to keep up in conversation with the couple. 

Their presence was the right kind of warmth for a night like this. They bickered in a way only old married couples did. The kind of back-and-forth friendly matches you can only have with the love of your life. Little simplistic arguments ending in tight hugs and peppered kisses.

They reminded you of the time you had loved so intensely to the point of considering—for the first time in your life—growing old with someone. You pushed the memories away, deciding there was no need to revisit ghosts from the past. You could do that at some other time. 

You excused yourself, taking your bread and mulled wine, and continued your route in the opposite direction of where your hotel was located. The saltiness of the bread dissolved on your tongue while the mulled wine left you in delightful confusion as you tried to decipher the ingredients within it. There were hints of apple cider, cinnamon, and a citrusy fruit. 

You decided to enjoy your treats and what you had left of this peaceful night while you still could. 

In your field of work, being on high alert every second of an operation is crucial. In many instances, it could mean life or death for any of the parties involved. The best agents in the organization could detect danger from the most peculiar places. 

You were one of them.

You realized you were being followed the moment you stepped into St.Mary’s Basilica. Within the shadows of the night, there was one in particular that stayed trained on you. Since the uncertainties arose over whether or not your undercover identity had been compromised, the person following you could be anyone. 

As to not raise suspicion, you kept your pace the same and continued to savor your treats as if you were any other tourist. Internally, your alarms were ringing and you were trying to locate the best place to have an advantage over your pursuer, so you wouldn’t end up being cornered by them in case a confrontation occurred. 

The rain was only but a drizzle now, and the moon was high in the sky. The more you walked the fewer people there were around you. Many of the businesses you had passed earlier were now closed and you realized it was likely you might end up in a position where you were left alone in the night with the mysterious stranger hot on your trail.

This stranger was now using the roofs of the buildings across the street to continue his pursuit of you. You had to admit that was clever of him and if you had been any other agent you might not have noticed.

Your only option now was to go on the offense before the man—you had concluded was a man from his broad silhouette—ever got a chance to.

You discarded the remnants of your Polish delicacies in a nearby trashcan before dashing over to the other street, underneath the building the stranger was standing on. You knew he could either maneuver his way to the tops of the buildings on the other side of the street or decide to meet you at the bottom.

You were hoping he would meet you at the bottom. 

The building you had run to had an intricate pathway aligned with arches all across it. You used the columns of the arches to make your way to the side of the building where you would be able to get a better view of which direction the man would decide to go. If you used the shadows from the columns made by the city lights and the moon, you would be able to sneak up on the man and have the upper hand. 

  Of course, the gun hidden on the inside of your jacket would help with that as well.

You bent down and angled your body so you had a clear view of the street while still keeping yourself hidden. Adrenaline began to make its way through your body giving you the added energy you would need in the fight. 

You concentrated on the noises around you, causing you to pick up on incoming footsteps. They were light, letting you know this person must be highly trained for them to know how to mask their steps. If it weren’t for the sporadic puddles on the ground from the rain, you might not have heard them. 

You weren’t sure what organization you were dealing with, but you knew you had to be as careful and calculated as you could. Due to the possibility of your undercover identity being compromised, the person after you could be from one of many organizations you had crossed in the past.

The steps were inching closer, and yet, there was no sign of the man. You could have sworn you chose the best location to spot him, but it seems you were mistaken. Your only choice now was to concentrate on the direction his footsteps resounded from and pinpoint his location with that. 

From the sound of it, he was just to the left of you and merely a few feet away. With every inching step he took, you realized it was now or never to act. 

“ Don’t move any closer! Identify yourself!” You sprung up, pointing your gun directly at the man. He was using the shadows of the night to hide himself as he approached you, so it was difficult to distinguish his features from where you stood. 

The man froze, his hands slowly raising to a peaceful stance, “ I figured I shouldn’t have snuck up on you, Y/n.” You faltered for a second at the sound of his voice and your name dropping from his lips. It was as familiar as a déjà vu was. In your heart, there was a memory of it and yet you couldn’t pinpoint when was the last time you had heard it. 

Perhaps it might have been when he broke your heart. 

Or maybe when you had broken his. 

“Steve?” His name dropped from your lips in a whisper. A part of you thought you were losing it. Had you been so lonely these last couple of years that you were now projecting your last lover onto random strangers? 

The man stepped into the light confirming what your heart already knew. The man who had been hiding in the shadows and following you was your ex-boyfriend Steve Rogers. Although, this Steve in front of you was foreign to you.

He had grown out his beard and his hair, which was now a darker shade of blonde than you remembered. From what you could see, his face and hands were adorned with new scars and scratches untouched by your hands. There was also a gloominess behind his blue eyes he couldn’t hide away.

He dawned on a black leather jacket as opposed to the brown leather one you were used to. You had borrowed that jacket many times in the past as it became a comfort to you whenever he was away on a mission. It always smelled of his sandalwood aftershave and the smoky bergamot cologne you had given him on the first Christmas you spent together. 

It became his signature scent and you loved it.

However, the Steve in front of you resembled nothing of the Steve you once loved. How much had his life changed in the years since the two of you broke up? How much had it changed him? 

“ Hey…it's been a while,” he spoke up cautiously, glancing over at the weapon in your hand before looking into your eyes. You lowered it slowly, feeling as though you were in a dream, “ Yeah, it has. Last I heard you were in big trouble with the United Nations. Technically, I should be arresting you right now.” You said the last part in a playful tone hoping to ease the tension between you.

The night seemed to have gotten colder ever since he stepped in front of you. 

Thankfully, easing into things was the right call as a small smile appeared on his lips, “ Technically, you're right, but you would have to catch me first,” he pointed out. 

“ Oh, that would definitely not be a problem,” you boasted. 

“ Half of the Avengers tried and failed,” he informed you, holding back what looked like a somber yet smug expression.  

“ Yeah, but I’ve got some tricks up my sleeve not even Tony would think of,” you stated confidently, placing your gun back into a pocket on the inside of your jacket. Now that you no longer needed it, you didn’t want it to hinder the pleasant mood that was now finding its place between you. 

“ I’m sure you do,” he responded, a fond look adorning his features. You were sure you had a similar expression, as you ruminated on past memories of playful exchanges with Steve. Many ended in far more romantic exchanges than this conversation would.

Getting past what once was, you needed your curiosity satisfied,“ What brings you to Poland anyway? And why were you following me? I don’t know how they did it in the 1940s, but in modern times we use a thing called a cellphone when we want to contact an ex,” you teased. 

He laughed at that, a sound you recognized all too well. It made you realize that although the Steve in front of you was different, you still knew him. Deep down he still had to be the man you had fallen in love with. 

There was a conflict of emotions stirring within your heart as a result.

“ Okay, I get it. Like I said, I shouldn’t have snuck up on you. I just thought you wouldn’t want to see me,” he confessed before continuing, “ Those of us who didn’t sign the Sokovia Accords are on the run. We’ve been moving to a new city every few weeks. Right now we’ve been stationed in Kraków for two and are relocating to Tarnów next week. Sam told me you were on a C.I.A. mission here and I had to come see you before we left,” he admitted, scratching the back of his head in a sheepish manner. 

You couldn’t blame him for coming to see you. At this point, you would have to hold yourself back from “bumping into him” in Tarnów. 

 “ Sam told you? How did he know?” You asked, still not seeing the full picture. Steve cleared his throat before speaking, “ Vision was a big help with that. Between him and Sam, they were able to rework an old laptop to pick up on different signals and monitor specific ones we chose. It was by chance he picked up on a phone call you were having with an agent named Clarke a few days ago,” he explained, causing your confusion to dissipate and in its place discomfort made a home.

Knowing that what Steve said was true, that meant that Sam and Steve had heard the very awkward and uncomfortable conversation you had with your mission partner Agent Clarke a few days ago. 

Clarke had taken an interest in you ever since you were first partnered up on a mission a few months back. You never had taken a similar interest in him and always kept things professional. Unfortunately for you, this caused Clarke to think you were “playing hard to get” and this ensued a plethora of attempts to charm you.

His latest attempt was a few days ago where he insisted on your undercover identities being a newly wedded couple having their honeymoon across Europe. You politely declined and were grateful your mission supervisor disagreed with the idea as well. The conversation was overall uncomfortable and to outsiders it could have insinuated there was something going on between you and Clarke. 

The outsiders in question here, unfortunately, were Steve, Sam, and anyone else in their group who had heard the conversation. You were mortified, to say the least.

“ Oh, you heard that? About that…,” you trailed off not knowing where to start. 

Steve shook his head,“ You don’t need to explain anything. I get it. You moved on and you have every right to. This whole moving on thing, I just—I still feel like I’m stuck in time sometimes and I can’t help revisiting the past,” he stated sincerely, his eyes wandering to the ground. He frowned at it, searching for something else to say.

At the same time, his statements had brought you out of your embarrassment long enough to register what he had said. 

“ Surely you’ve moved on?” You asked him, not comprehending if you had interpreted what he said correctly. 

It took him a moment before he got the courage to lock eyes with you,“ Have you?” 

You paused, not having a straight answer to his question. Before meeting him today to anyone else you would have said you had—even if deep down you knew it wasn’t the whole truth.

You broke up with him months before the whole Ultron disaster and since then you haven’t looked at another man with romantic intentions. 

You couldn’t count that as moving on. 

Your mouth parted, but no words came out. You were still unsure of what to say. Your heart was jumping out of your chest trying to answer for you and the look he was giving you was making it impossible not to give in and let it. He was pleading with his eyes, a hopeful shimmer that maybe somewhere within you there were still feelings for him lying dormant waiting to be awakened. 

His gaze made it difficult for you to think, so you averted his eyes and looked down at a slightly large puddle on the ground. It was the only thing separating the two of you, with both of your reflections lying inside of it. You stared at the reflections, hoping to collect your thoughts better this way. 

You could see him shuffling uncomfortably through the reflection,“ I think a part of me always knew you had. I should’ve known when you didn’t respond to any of my letters,” he continued, taking your body language as confirmation you had moved on. 

At his revelation, your eyes shot up and locked on him, “ You wrote me letters?” 

He looked taken aback by your surprised expression, “ I did. Every month for a year after we broke up. There was a lot I still had left to say—and that I wanted to say to you. When I didn’t get a reply back I assumed you wanted nothing to do with me,” he admitted, his expression softening. 

You were gutted at the mental image of Steve waiting nervously to hear back from you only to receive silence in return. You spiraled at the thought of what could have been if you had read just one of those letters. Truthfully, your breakup with Steve was unwanted on both ends. However, due to the pressure and demands both of your professions required of you, you grew apart. 

For months, you were lucky to catch a glimpse of each other on the weekends before receiving your next mission or task. Evil didn’t stop, so the good guys couldn’t either—and the Avengers took up almost all of Steve’s time. The loneliness of the constant nights alone waiting for your boyfriend to come home became too much for you.

So much so, that you ended things when loneliness turned into resentment. There was only so much the mind could understand before the heart took over. 

You boiled it down to right person, wrong time. 

“ I never got them,” you finally spoke up, “ If I had, Steve, I promise I would have called you. Right after we broke up I was stationed in London for a year and I rented out my apartment to a young couple. They never told me of any letters,” you explained, feeling betrayed by fate and your tenants. 

Steve gave a chuckle, one laced with disbelief at the situation, “ No, it's on me. Letters are kind of old school, aren’t they? I should’ve picked up the phone and called you.” He shouldered the responsibility, something only Steve would feel the need to do. 

You disagreed, shaking your head at him,“ The phone works both ways, so it's on me too. And I like old school. There’s a charm to it you can’t find anywhere else.” 

You hoped the deeper meaning of what you said would get across for Steve to understand. 

It seems it did, as a comfortable silence fell between you. You stared at one another, searching for your past selves in each other's eyes. There were so many questions and things left unsaid that were waiting to be discussed.

You were eager for him to confess to you everything that was written in the letters and he was just as eager to hear your response to all those unanswered questions he had sent you more than a year ago. 

As neither of you could decide who would get the conversation started, fate decided to intervene once more. However, fate this time went by the name of Sam and his little bird-like drone Redwing.

When you spotted it approaching you, your hand instinctively placed itself on top of the gun hiding on the inside of your jacket. Upon seeing your reaction, Steve bolted over to you and placed himself in front of you as protection. The action caused your heart to flutter.

As soon as Steve spotted Redwing, his guard went down. 

“ Don’t worry about the drone, it’s Sam’s. I think that’s his way of telling me I need to be heading back,” he informed you, your guard dropping as well at the explanation. 

“ I should be heading back too. I have a lot of investigating to do in the morning,” you pointed out. 

“ Want me to walk you back?” Steve asked you in a way that gave you full control over the decision. 

As much as you wanted him to, you had to decline, “ I want to say yes, but you can’t. The hotel I’m staying at is heavily monitored and you're on the run. It would be too risky. It’s safer for you and your group if you don’t go anywhere near it.” You were disappointed at the reality of the situation and from the look on Steve’s face so was he. 

“ I figured, but I still wanted to ask,” he took a step back, making you realize how close you two had gotten when he rushed over to protect you. There was no longer a large puddle of water in between, and if you reached your hand out you would be able to touch him. 

“ Steve, that old laptop can track down any signal right?” 

“ From what I understood, yes. Why?” 

“ Well you have mine now, so I’m counting on you to keep in touch,” you let him know before planting a quick goodbye kiss on his cheek. His beard was scratchy against your lips, but you were surprised to find out you didn’t mind it.

He was stunned for a moment before a grin quickly replaced it. 

“ I will. I promise,” the sincerity in his tone and expression was all you needed to walk away knowing the story wouldn’t end there. 

“ Goodnight, Steve.” 

“ Goodnight, Y/n.”

How lovely it was to hear those words again.

The next day a package was delivered to your hotel room containing a burner phone inside and a note that read: 

I always keep my promises. :) 

The phone contained only one number on the contact list you soon found out belonged to Steve. Throughout the course of the next two weeks in Poland, you spent every night talking on the phone with him. 

You both poured your heart out to one another. Your losses, your fears, your hopes, and any other topic that came to mind. There was so much to catch the other up on that there were never enough hours in the night to get through it all. 

With every conversation, the connection you once had was slowly building itself again. A little over two years had gone by since your breakup and the people you had become since then were getting to know each other once more. 

Maybe now the timing was finally right. 

[ivy-diaries]

‎ ⁎ ‎ ‎ 𓍼 ‎ ‎ ๋ ‎ ◜ &.&. THE IVY INCIDENT S1 ep #2◞ ‎ ... ‎ ‎

˒ wc! 3k

˒ starring! Ivy Kang , Yeonjun Choi

˒ taglist! @stealanity @alixnsuperstxr @riikiblr @skz-libby @escapetheash (lmk if you wanna be added)

˒ desc! on this episode of "The Ivy Incident" ivy welcomes her husband, TXT'S Yeonjun as the first guest of the season where they talk about their relationship, wedding and much more!

The Ivy incident intro plays and ivy is once again seated in the same place as last episode but this time, the camera is just showing her instead of the whole setting. Ivy smiles and leans in so the mic can catch her voice nice and sound.

“Hey guys!! welcome or welcome back to the Ivy incident! if you didn't know already this is a podcast where I invite my friends and close people to come on and just have a good chat for sometime! if you guys haven't done all the basics about adding this pod to your favorites and giving it a review of your choice, do it right now and putting all of that aside, let's begin!” she grins, claps her hands together and looks at the camera. The grin is somewhat a naughty one. not the kind you think… get your mind off the gutter!

She chuckles and continues, “last week for our first episode, we had no guest and it was just me and Diane in the studio by ourselves but today, we have a very exciting and probably the most requested one after I asked who I should invite here. and probably I should mention this too, this person was the most excited to be here too!” There's a deep chuckle heard in the background and Ivy looks off camera and smiles. 

“So without further ado, let's have the first guest of the season introduce themselves!” she adds on and the camera pans out and TXT's Yeonjun comes into frame with an identical mic set up as ivy. He chuckles before speaking, “hi everyone. this is tomorrow by together's yeonjun or in this scenario jen's husband and just like she mentioned, im very excited to be here” 

A few claps are heard behind the camera, probably from the couple's staff members and the couple start laughing at that. “Thank you so much for that guys, we're honored to have that kind of a welcome” she laughs and the scene cuts to a small video of yeonjun just to introduce him and a small snippet of ivy and yeonjun’s wedding video.

“So! how does it feel to be here finally? and how have you been? update us on recent life happenings!” Ivy asks her husband and smiles lovingly at him as he stares at her with the same if not more affection than her stare.  

“So the first and obvious thing is that I got married to my beautiful wife and yes, married life is so great! And other than that, we’re preparing for a comeback as a group and for a tour if i can say that yet… and that has been hectic but it's fun to be back with the boys after a while.” he answers ivy with a smile. 

She smiles in return, “That's so nice to hear! Although it's not fun to watch you come home late and tired, it's nice to hear you're having fun with the guys! So we got a lot of questions from moas, soleils and the viewers of this pod who have subscribed to the email newsletter. There were a lot of repeated questions, I heard.. So we’re gonna do the ones that were frequently asked! Are you ready to begin this husband?” she asks him and smiles at him (for the millionth time) 

“Yup! I was born ready! Also, I love it when you call me your husband if I'm being honest.” he answers and gives her a lovesick smile which makes her giggle in return. 

“Okay! First question! This is too funny to not read it verbatim oh my god! It says, What was the man's first impression of Ivy? “ ivy reads it and laughs 

“Not the yeonjun slander again oh my god” yeonjun says and laughs with her but stops laughing eventually to answer the question 

“I think at first, I was just intimidated by her sheer talent and the fact that she was a senior. Like if we go back to the beginning and before we both met each other, she had already established a name for herself at what? The age of 14, 15? To think of it now is pure insanity! Wait.. i think i’ve gone off topic here, but yea, to me she was a cool senior and even though she was younger than me, she was the most talented person i’d ever seen. When I saw her on that monthly evaluation, I still remember the date by the way, I fell in love instantly. The way she carried herself was and is still mind blowing to me.” he concludes after yapping for a bit.

Ivy looks starstruck at his explanation and chuckles. “I knew you’d have stuff to say but I didn't know you’d say so much! And for the record, I do too remember the date of the day we first saw each other and actually it's more memorable because i had bought my polaroid camera with me that day and a few of the trainees asked me if they could take a picture with me and he was one of them and with him, we took two pictures and i took one polaroid with me and he took one with him. Mine is still in my photobook!” She tells the camera her side of the story and a few awws are heard from behind the camera and the couple just laugh.

“Okay, so I will read the next question! Who said "I love you" first? Oohh okay a classic question” yeonjun reads it off and looks at ivy

“He did. Although I felt that I loved him, it took me quite some time to say it out loud.. He said it to me when we were “cooking” ” she air quotes it and laughs “we were making a mess literally. And then we were suddenly slow dancing and then we started giggling and then through the giggles he suddenly goes oh my god i love you and i freeze. And then he realizes he's said it out loud and then he freezes but he’s quick to recover. He gives me a smile and says like it’s very true but like you don’t have to say it back just cause i've said it now.. Take your time and stuff and all of this is not going into my head” she laughs “it's just going in one ear and off the other. But like it took me a few more months to muster up the courage and finally say it. And when i did, he cried” yeonjun laughs at her words recounting the scene in his head 

The couple take a few moments to recover and then they're back with the third question. “Ooh this one’s a little spicy “Have you guys ever been caught in the act? What was your guys’ reaction?” ” she reads it out and looks at her husband.

They hold eye contact for a good 5 seconds before bursting out laughing. “Poor beomgyu has seen stuff way more times than he should've '' she says.

“But like yeah.. Like all couples, we’ve been caught doing some stuff a few times.. I mean thank god not in the middle of the act but like we’ve been caught by beomgyu i think thrice? And once by my mum and thankfully that's it.. I don’t wanna explain this any more than that since we have a lot of young viewers'' Ivy laughs before concluding

“Ok! Fourth question? “how did all your friends react when you told them you were engaged?” That is a great question cause we have footage for all of these! I filmed it and stay tuned for it guys, the wedding series will be posted soon! It's just that I'm having a hard time editing and working at the same time so I don't know how long it’ll take but I’ll try my best to finish them asap! But anyways back to the question..” 

“Okay for starters, they were really happy but they were all really reactions” yeonjun says and Ivy laughs remembering them. 

“To start with the boys, they were all very happy for us and you know since they’ve been with us ever since we started dating, they know everything that went down, they kept saying that we really belonged to each other and made each other the better version of ourselves. It was really nice to hear it actually” ivy says and yeonjun nods agreeing. 

“To say I received threats from all of her friends is an understatement. And to make matters worse, they're my friends too.” Ivy laughs at his words. 

“The pandora girlies were mostly really happy for us although some of them pretended to have a sob party over this” ivy laughs. 

“Lua, obviously, was very sweet about it, she congratulated us and wished us the best as always.. Jeongie however, was the one we were all looking out for you know, since i’ve known her for a pretty long time, and as i expected, she teared up making a few of us tear up as well.” she laughs at the memory. 

“The funny thing is, me and her were like hugging each other and crying and like that was it, and the next day i hear beomgyu going like “yeonjun hyung is gonna sleep with both eyes open cuz he made jeongie cry” and the even funny part is enha didn't even know why she cried but was like “hyung what did you do” and the whole time i was just on the floor laughing” ivy laughs. 

“My misery is so funny isn't it?” yeonjun asks and laughs “oh that wasn't even the bad ones, just you wait” he says looking directly into the camera making everyone laugh.

“Rin went absolutely wild. She was jumping, screaming one second and the next she was like all serious and was like “omg what would happen to your careers and stuff” and we had to remind her that like the public would not be mad if we got married but would absolutely come for our throats if we didn’t and then she was back to being unhinged and took like a million pictures of my ring in a million different angles.” ivy laughed and showed the camera her ring

“Can i just tell you how offended she got because i didn’t ask her for jens hand and like her opinion of the ring? She was out for my throat. And at one point she tried to drunk fight me.. Like actually throw hands and i'm not gonna like i was terrified” yeonjun says making everyone laugh 

“She threw me a party for like my promotion to fiance from girlfriend where she was just asking me every single detail of the proposal” ivy laughs

“Inka had almost the same reaction, she pushed me away to give jen a hug, again, threatened me with a "if you hurt her i'll kill you" look but to my surprise, by the end of it, she teared up and like genuinely congratulated us” yeonjun says smiling 

“The others were all really happy and like gave us the biggest hugs and like you could tell they were all really happy for us by their reactions.” Ivy says. 

“Okay, next question, what is this the fifth question? “Who first brought up the option of marriage? Was it an easy topic?” that's a great question”

“Hmmm… the first time I think we ever brought up marriage was when we were stuck in lockdown together and had nothing better to do..” ivy laughs “we had both agreed we were not ready yet and would wait a year or two more to even get engaged and that timeline worked perfectly i guess.. But surprisingly every now and then I get a few comments from people that I got married too young? I mean relatively i am young but i was not too young when i got married so i don't really understand their point” ivy says and yeonjun nods. 

“Next question, this question is really interesting “What made Ivy and and yeonjun realize that they're in love with each other and what was their big 'oh I want to marry this person' moment???” ” ivy reads of the question 

“Okay i’ll go first.. I think my big moment was, this is kinda bad if i say it out loud oh my god” yeonjun laughs but continues nonetheless and ivy just gives him a raised eyebrow

“This was on our second anniversary.. I had big plans for us not gonna lie.. Even if I think about it now, the eighteen year old me had some rizz.. So naturally I was very excited, but when I went to pick Jen up, she was as sick as sick could get. She was throwing up and stuff and I could not just stand there and watch it happen. I threw off my blazer - yes I wore a blazer.. I spent the night taking care of her and I actually liked it.. Like it made me realize that I'd give up on anything to make sure she was okay and I think that's when I realized I wanted to spend my life with her” he concludes with a soft smile. 

Ivy is seen with a smile and glossy eyes and she laughs when a few staff point it out. “I know this because he mentioned it when he was drunk once and I sobbed over it. But it never fails to make me tear up. Uhm.. it's kinda funny because my realization is the morning after this” ivy laughs as she dabs her eyes with a tissue her husband handed her. 

“I woke up the next morning and was obviously a lot better and just saw him on the side of my bed sitting on a stool sleeping.. And like for a moment i was very surprised and then it hit me that like i was sick on our anniversary and had ruined it… but when i looked around, i realized that he had taken care of me and i don't know how to describe this feeling but i was very grateful that he had done that for me and it was only after he left my place that day and after my schedules, i realized that i actually hated living alone and not coming home knowing he’d be there waiting or he’d come home to me as well.. Does that make any sense? We wouldn't live together for two more years but still.." Ivy says and turns to yeonjun and gives him a loving smile. 

“Seventh question! “Have you guys ever thought of having a family?” oohhh” yeonjun reads it and looks at ivy

“We have but not anytime soon…. I’d love to have a family one day but not now because truthfully i think we’re both doing really well career wise and we have a few more things we want to accomplish before you know, taking it slow and have a baby.. Plus, we’ve talked about it and we don't want to raise our child in the city because as much as i love the city vibes, it’s not my ideal place to start a family if it makes any sense” ivy replies

“Everything Jen said and like at the end of the day, it’s her body and just like Rachel Green said, no uterus no opinion.” yeonjun says and the staff bursts laughing. 

“Third to last question!! “Who cooks and who washes the dishes?” these questions are freaking everywhere omg” ivy laughs 

“Well it depends on who gets home first! If I get home first, I cook or if he does, he cooks! It's simple in the choi household!” ivy smiles 

“Second to last! “Who's the closest to their in-laws?” That is a good question isn't it?” yeonjun says. 

“Well we’re both very close to each other’s families so I wouldn't really compare who's closer.. But jun is very close to my brother cuz they're the same age and they match each others vibes and i’m pretty close to his mother and i'm so thankful for this but like she makes me vegetarian friendly dishes of like actual korean dishes so i can eat them too and it's soo sweet of her and i love her for it” she says giving the camera a hand heart knowing her mother-in-law watches her videos. 

“Last question “what were your vows? And how was your wedding day” oh no..” ivy laughs as she reads the question. 

“Okay we’re not gonna answer this right now because we have a video of it but we’ll give you like little insights of it” she says 

“I wrote stuff about our past and what we promised each other when we were young.. I mean we were and still are pretty young but we were just kids when we started dating. I mean she was 16, I was 17… and I mean we are still just 24 and 25 but we were literally just kids when we met and we had so many dreams and things we wanted to achieve individually and together and I think we are doing pretty fine compared to what we started..” yeonjun says smiling 

“I mean it was really emotional and we made almost everyone cry hearing it and we still cried looking at the video when we got it back from our photographer.. I’d say we had a pretty normal wedding for people who work in this industry. Because we had like a few ceremonies” ivy laughs 

“The first, we had it in Paris where we had a little private wedding and then we came back to korea and had, not a wedding but we had like a reception or a large dinner party you could say because most of our friends and jun’s family lives in korea. And then we had our final ceremony in the US because most of my family lives there. The one in Korea was somewhat public but the other two were not and I'm really thankful for it if I'm being honest. Because we know how some people are from just seeing airport footage of idols these days. So like I was saying.. Am I yapping now?” Ivy asked and it made yeonjun laugh. 

“No no you're fine go on” yeonjun laughs 

“As I was saying.. We had a really fun time at our wedding! Our vows were really emotional as we were saying in the beginning. I’ll try and tell you guys what they were because i don't think we have them right now” ivy looks at her husband and he nods in agreement. 

“So yea I guess that answers the question.. I don't even know what I said.. I think i was yapping mostly so im very sorry for that” she laughs 

“But that concludes today’s episode!” yeonjun groans at her words “he doesn’t wanna go home.. But please tell us your thoughts about how you felt today!” ivy laughs 

“I had soo much fun today.. I mean I always have the best time when you're around so this was the usual.. Okay okay i’ll stop flirting!” he laughs as ivy threatens to throw a pillow at him. “As I was saying, I had soo much fun and I hope I can come back one day! Thank you so much for having me here and this has been tomorrow by together’s yeonjun so far! Thank you!” he says and everyone claps

“That's it for this episode and I hope you guys enjoyed today where i had a great time talking with yeonjun and stay tuned for the upcoming episodes and this has been ivy so far and thank you for listening to the ivy incident! Have a great day or good night!! Byee!!” Ivy and yeonjun wave and the outro plays with clips of Ivy being cute throughout the episode.

˒ priya talks! the edit of the cover is not mine!! credits to the creator and pinterest where I found it!! if you've read this far, cuz this is pretty long, reblog with a 🧸!! let me know who you guys want to see next on the episode!! love ya!!

[canmom]

dànachd canmom aig worldcon - pàirt 1: diardaoin

I'm at the World Science Fiction Convention! Better known as Worldcon.

Unlike previous adventures, this one didn't take me to any picturesque French towns. In fact it's like 15 minutes bike ride from my house! I managed to move to Glasgow right before Worldcon dropped in my lap.

Due to Events, the last few weeks before the con ha been some of the most hectic of my goddamn life, but I've been able to secure some time off. Things actually started on Wednesday night, when my friend and I wandered into the hotel at the convention centre on our way home and ended up fast friends with a group of people including a few big authors and editors in the scene, which was kind of wild. That's the con experience though! But things kicked off for real today on Thursday.

Due to a combo of minor medical emergency and then staying up late to finish off work after I finally got home, I got very little sleep that night, and sadly did not arrive at the con in time to catch Dune: The Musical. So most of the day ended up panels, though with an opera and a ceilidh at the end to spice things up, not to mention meeting like 90% of my old friends from uni, which is kinda sick. (Hello to the ones who follow me on here :p)

Here are some artstation-ass cars they had in the uh... the hall where all the little societies have stands.

Nearly every timeslot had multiple things I might want to attend, so I kind of played it by ear... and ended up weebing it up a little bit, attending two panels on anime and a presentation by the Japanese Scifi Writers Association.

The anime panels (on the subjects of food and music in anime respectively) were sadly quite disappointing. The panellists seem to have been chosen kind of arbitrarily - my friend dakkar knows his shit but there were a lot of banal 'what's your favourite x' type questions and a couple of panelists who either just wanted to bang on about basic shōnen shit as if it's all anime is, or were constantly mispronouncing Japanese words in a kinda painful way ("ai-sekai" being the worst). I was really hoping the food in anime panel might go into, for example, the historical context for why anime has such lavish depictions of food, or the technicalities of how food is portrayed. The discussion ended up going on to subjects like cooking recipes from anime and manga but honestly didn't really have a lot to say about it!

The way the panels seem to have been organised is, so far as I can infer... someone would pitch a description, and then the organisers would assign some people to be on that panel from a big pool? Which... idk, doesn't seem like it necessarily leads to selecting people with a lot to say on that subject!

I think I would have been wiser, in retrospect, to have gone to talks about sff lit, since in the end it's just not an anime con - something I'll bear in mind tomorrow. On that front, I did go to the presentation on Japanese scifi, which included the presentation of the Seiun ('nebula') awards to a couple of people whose works in translation were popular in Japan. In a bizarre quirk of programming, this one was run right next door to a panel on Chinese scifi, which is a real move lol.

Sadly this panel was marred by some pretty severe tech issues. Two of the panelists couldn't come to the UK due to visa bullshit, but the video call wasn't working, so Takayuki Tatsumi had to deliver a talk without being able to see his slides, and the slides were slightly in a different order than his talk. Still, I collected a nice list of JP SF authors whose works are available in translation, so looking forward to getting into that. Worse, there were other tech issues, like audio bleeding from another panel; a couple of the panelists struggled with English and the moderator ended up interpreting, which really isn't his job. Compared to the anime talks at Annecy, which had some very talented and fast interpreters, it was a bit of a disaster.

Due to all these issues, I didn't really get to figure out much of what Mari Kotani had to say about the links between shōjo manga and science fiction, a topic which sounds really interesting. Perhaps I can find her books.

The Seiun awards were given to John Scalzi, who showed up and got his prize for The Kaiju Preservation Society and was very polite about it...

...and Alastair Reynolds, who didn't show up to receive his giant fan.

I haven't read any of Scalzi's books, tbh they probably aren't my thing, but he seems like a really sweet guy from my encounters with him and his daughter yesterday and today. And I respect that he insisted on sharing credit with his JP translator.

The other panel I went to was a talk on magnets. This one was properly prepared - I learned a little about the geopolitics of rare earth production, and some of the cool new uses of magnets, though sadly at a fairly surface level. The presenter - who turned out to be a former aerospace industry guy who worked on the fucking Eurofighter Typhoon, now at some society that uhh promotes magnetism or something - mentioned that this is a talk he often gives at schools, and it did kinda feel like being back at uni. There wasn't a lot of good picks for this slot, but maybe the rocketry anecdotes panel would have been better. It was fun to play with the neodynium magnets and similar demos after the talk at least! I probably should have realised that having a physics degree meant I wouldn't learn very much from this talk.

I do hear there were some real good panels in other rooms, so I kind of have only myself to blame here. Tomorrow I'll try and learn from it!

Much better than all the panels was the debut performance of the new opera Morrow's Island, about a scientist conducting Cold War experiments to create psychic links with animals. I knew I was in for something great when one of the first lines was a scientist declaring 'There is no contradiction between dialectical materialism and extra-sensory perception' and it did indeed deliver.

I don't listen to a lot of opera, so I don't have a lot of context to analyse it musically, but it sounded great, full of cool polyphony and interesting melodic lines and the texture of repeating phrases, supported by the flowing motions of a group of contemporary dancers. The ending left me a little cold, but honestly it hit so many of the right notes for shit I'm a real nerd about - Soviet stuff, occult stuff, etc. - that I couldn't not love it. My favourite sequence saw the psychics make contact with the overwhelming complexity of ecosystems, summed up by the repeating phrase "there's so much life, there's so much death". The repeating phrases and gradual transitions called to mind Philip Glass to my admittedly very uncultured ear. Absolutely cool shit, definitely my favourite thing I saw today. I think they're putting a recording online.

The ceilidh, run by Science Ceilidh, was pretty intensely crowded at first so I ducked out. Later in the evening it got a bit more manageable so I returned to dance a bit more, and got to witness an astonishingly nerdy and complicated dance based on the life cycle of Dune sandworms. Surprisingly it went pretty smoothly - credit to the caller for making that work somehow.

I also wandered around the stalls a bit. I got some cool booklets about spaceflight, met a guy from the SCA, saw a 3D scanner scanning a vase, and didn't buy any books because I need to come back with a bag lol.

The best part about Worldcon is just meeting people from all over really. The con ribbons tradition is a great trick for encouraging nerds to talk to each other (though i need to get more...), and people have been very approachable for a crowd whose autism quotient must be near saturation lol. I met people from Finland, Australia, South Korea... mostly anglophone or european countries but still it's good shit. I'm starting to recognise more and more people in the crowd as the con goes on.

It really is so goddamn nerdy, like you look at this crowd and you're like damn, but in the best way, honestly. I am definitely no exception. Hopefully I make some better calls on panels tomorrow loll.

If you're in town, give me a shout, would love to meet more internetfriends!

[yankstrash]

it isn't uncommon for hockey girlfriends to dread development camp over the summer

for a lot of girls, this it the time where their boyfriends have to join their team in another state or worse, in another country, for the teams dev camp, meaning time spent far away from them and a hectic schedule for the boys

however, if you're amelia, you look forward to this time

because dev camp for gabe is a short 20 minute drive from amelias parents house, where she spends her summer break

how perfect is that.

her week is perfectly planned out

she wakes up, with gabe beside her.

goes to dev camp, with gabe on the ice in front of her.

lays by the pool, with gabe rubbing tanning lotion on her.

and falls asleep, with gabe on top of her.

each day is like the last, and amelia wouldn't have it any other way.

her boyfriend gets to attend dev camp for his future nhl team 20 minutes away from where amelia grew up and lives over the summer

thank you rangers for drafting gabriel.

after camp ended today, gabe drove back to amelias house, where a home cooked meal made by her mom was waiting for him

he was no doubt her future son in law, and both of her parents loved gabe like he was their own, so they were more than happy to host and cater to him while he was working hard at camp

"gabe how was camp." amelias mom asks as gabe eats the dinner she prepared for the family while he was gone

amelia was about to open her mouth and ask the same question, but just like every night he's been here, her parents beat her to it.

gabe smiles, "it was good, i like my teammates a lot. we have a scrimmage tomorrow which i'm excited for."

amelias mom nods, "i heard, drews mom told me about that. i invited them over for dinner tomorrow after you boys have your scrimmage. it's been too long since we've had a family dinner with them."

amelia smiles at the mention of that

it has been too long.

not only does amelia get her boyfriend while he's at dev camp, she also gets her childhood best friend drew, whose families house is just down the street from hers

drew came over yesterday after camp to go swimming, and amelia got her fulfill of entertainment watching the two boys push each other into the pool and argue over whose team is going to win in the scrimmage

amelia reaches her hand over and drags her nails up and down gabes back in a soothing manner as he eats

"just don't get too buddy buddy with your ranger teammates and decide you'd rather be with them than in boston for another year with me." she jokes, only a hint of seriousness in her voice

gabe smiles over at her, shaking his head

"you know that's not happening, baby. my mind has been made up even before i got to bc last august."

amelia nods, knowing he's right

gabe has always known he wants to play at least 2 years of college before going pro

even if he wanted to leave now, it's no guarantee he would even make the rangers roster, so why rush anything

she nods, "i know i know, just saying.."

"that's right gabriel, stay put. spare me a few more years before i have to see my daughter in a rangers jersey, please." amelias dad says as he walks into the kitchen, giving gabe a pat on the shoulder

"dad." amelia gives him a look, but he and gabe just laugh

"what? it'a a valid point."

gabe looks at his girlfriend and shrugs, "it is."

"it's not. but if it will keep him in boston, then sure. spare him, gabriel."

her dad smiles, patting gabe again, "all good, the isles got eiserman in the draft. we'll be fine."

amelia grins at the mention of his name knowing what gabes current facial expression is

and she's right as she eyes her boyfriend at the exact moment he's rolling his eyes and shaking his head

"god bless cole eiserman, dad."

"no. not god bless cole amelia stealing eiserman."

amelia laughs at gabes complaints

eisy is her little munchkin, and gabe hates the ginormous crush he has on her, even though it's the most harmless crush ever

he really only flirts with meels to annoy gabe, and it works everytime

"you really let that kid get under your skin, babe." amelia says, rubbing gabes arm

he groans and rolls his eyes, "he's a shit."

"he's a kid. my kid."

"he's our rival."

"you love him."

"no.. sometimes. on occasion."

~

gabe and amelia laid in bed that night while he let out his anxious thoughts about tomorrows scrimmage

"i don't even know why i'm so nervous, it's not like i'm trying to make the team this year. but still... next year. or the year after." he says as he buries his head in amelias neck "i just hope they still think i'm as good as when they drafted me."

amelia chuckles lightly, rubbing her boyfriends back and playing with his hair

"baby, if anything they're going to think you're better than when they drafted you. you took a huge leap your first year at bc and it definitely did not go unnoticed by them, trust me."

"i don't know.. i didn't even make top 10 for hobey finalists."

"well you and i both know that was a load of crap that you didn't, and i'm sure they do too. and who cares. that shouldn't have an impact on what they think of you."

"it matters."

"not that much."

"meels."

"gabriel.. go to sleep. you have a big day tomorrow."

like always, gabe listens to his girlfriend.

like always.

~

the next day, amelia sat with her mom and dad along with drews family at the scrimmage

it was like she was back in grade school watching her best friends hockey games with both of their families in the stands

only now, she got to watch her best friend and her boyfriend

what a lucky, lucky girl.

"mee mee do you have your drew fat head ready for this season?!" drews mom leans over and asks

amelias cheeks redden at the memory of her bringing a gigantic drew fathead to his games when they were younger

"oh we kept that, it's tucked away somewhere. i'll have to dig it out." amelias mom says with a huge smile

"orrrr it can stay tucked away." amelia says

"no no, i think it needs to be brought out, and a gabe one needs to be made too. we need all the encouragement we can get this season as the boys make a second run for a natty."

sometimes, the mention of the natty still makes amelias chest ache. while it's a distant memory at this point, amelia still can't seem to shake the look on her boyfriends face when she saw him after their loss to denver.

she had never seen him look so defeated

he had never been so defeated since meeting her

the closest he had been was when bc lost to bu in the beanpot, but even the look on his face after that game didn't pale in comparison to the look on his face after they lost the national championship

it was hard for her to see, and still hard for her to think about, but the boys are loaded and ready for a second shot at it this year, even with the losses the team took since the season ended

at the thought of that, amelia snaps a pic of the rink and sends it to her buddy smitty

from: meels

"the two knuckleheads are on opposing teams." she writes after the picture

he replies in seconds

from: smitty

"oh boy... what does the loser get?"

from: meels

"kicked into the pool later and an embarrassing story told about them at dinner."

from: smitty:

"yikes... sad i'm missing it. miss them and you."

from: meels

"miss you nerd. how was your dev camp?"

from: smitty

"a lot of fun, actually. i'm excited for this year."

from: meels

"good. i'll send you another pic at the natty."

from: smitty

"i will be there watching, dw."

from: meels

"too bad you won't be playing when they win."

from: smitty

"hardy har har. maybe i'll coach."

from: meels

"no thanks, we wanna win."

from: smitty

"🗿. i do not miss you."

from: meels

"ditto, loser... ❤️"

~

the scrimmage ended with gabes team winning, earning him bragging rights over drew

once the boys were showered and changed, everybody went back to amelias house and had dinner

after dinner they all had a fire outside

amelia sat comfortably in gabes lap, snuggled under a blanket and swallowed up by his hoodie

"less than a month left until she leaves us again." amelias mom looks over at meels and pouts her bottom lip "the summer is flying by."

amelia can't help but grin to herself at the mention of going back to school soon

she adores her parents and loves being home, but she is so excited to be back at school in boston with all of her friends and her boyfriend

if sophomore year is anything like freshman year, she's in for round two of one hell of a good time

soon, they will all be back together at bc

minus a few, but she is still so excited

amelia rolls her eyes playfully, "mom, i'm only a few hours away."

"i know i know.. and you love boston. i'm so glad you feel at home there."

amelia smiles, then directs the smile up at her boyfriend

"i do." she says barely above a whisper

gabe smiles back, leaning down and placing a gentle kiss on her lips then one on her forehead

"can't wait for a whole nother year of this." he whispers to her

"me too... and lucky me getting to have you so close to me during this week in the summer too."

"aren't you a lucky girl, amelia grace."

"i am."

[loverlylight]

Hey, not sure if I'm gonna be on today, but I have a three day weekend and only a few concrete plans so probably at some point! Things have been incredibly hectic over the past... Quite a while but especially like two weeks or so, and this is the first day I haven't had work or something I needed to do right away so my body has zero energy and is like it's hard enough to be awake right now, there's no way you're getting out of bed any time soon.

It's also the anniversary of my... I'm still not sure what to call it. I stopped myself at the last minute so I don't know if it's accurate to call it a suicide attempt, but it was something at any rate. And I just... I dunno. I'm doing a lot better than I was this time last year, the bad periods can still get pretty bad, but now I have good periods again, you know? I'm making friends again for the first time in ages (and I gotta say, I didn't realize how much I missed having people I actually had something in common with and felt comfortable being myself around?), and I'm engaging with reality more and forcing myself to actually do things that make me happy (& sometimes it isn't even forced which, wow, what a concept) and still just... things can be rough. I'm still super sensitive to "oh no, what if I'm doing something Wrong and it causes someone Harm or Discomfort" so I just... have to get better with actually believing that as long as I try to do the right thing and if/when I do mess up try my best to make up for it?

Anyway, feels weird that I'm gonna be alone for most of the day, and that it's my first weekend in the apartment by myself so it's very quiet. I'm visiting my siblings later on today, but we ended up pushing the visit out to pretty late in the afternoon because my brother's sleep schedule is causing him trouble again. So gonna do that and go grocery shopping afternoon and evening, hoping to make more progress on my Curtwen week fics but given how exhausted I am that might wait until tomorrow.

[timeoverload]

I am glad today is over. It was a lot more hectic than I was anticipating. There are only 4 people working the morning shift now including me so now I have a lot more to worry about. Nobody has applied for the open positions but I guess I understand. I don't blame them. I remember that I only took this job because I was broke and desperate since I had just moved back from Florida. In the interview they warned me about what I had to deal with. Sometimes I wish I would have just walked away back then but I do think it has helped me grow a lot even though it isn't very fun.

I got pissed earlier because I got yelled at by one of the nurses. There was a pan missing an instrument and I know I had written on the label that it was missing before I sterilized it yesterday. They didn't notice the note on the label and opened it anyway. The nurse came storming out of the operating room with the pan and started throwing a fit about it. It was a problem yesterday too and she was like, "this is the second day in a row you have done this!". I know I had labeled the pan from yesterday too but they weren't paying attention. It is not her job to talk to me about that stuff. The surgical techs are the ones that are responsible for that and she didn't need to be like that. It didn't delay anything and no one else was upset about it. I didn't do anything wrong. She just likes to take her frustration out on everyone around her because it is obvious that she is unhappy with her own life. I have known her for years and she has always been like that. I try to be nice to her but it doesn't matter so I'm just going to ignore her. She is twice my age but she doesn't act like it. I guess some people never grow up. I got really upset after that happened and I said something about being bad at my job. Another nurse heard me say that and she stood up for me. She was very nice and that made me feel a lot better. I appreciated her support and it helped me calm down. I decided I am just going to leave that pan down until I get a replacement for the instrument that is missing so I can avoid any more drama.

That guy that has a crush on me came up to me to apologize for sending me weird pictures last week. There were a couple selfies and also some pictures of food without context. He told me he was just hungry because he has been fasting during the day for a while. He is a strange man and I don't understand him. He is the same guy that asked where I go to hide at work when I need to cry on his first day. He just says the most random shit and I don't know how he comes up with it on the spot. Sometimes it is too much. I guess I am just glad things aren't as awkward now but I am still trying to avoid being around him too much.

I am happy that I got everything done before I had to leave so I don't have to worry about it in the morning. Hopefully people are in a better mood tomorrow. There are a lot of totals though so I don't know how it's going to go.

I don't want to think about work anymore. I have so much I need to get done at home and I am overwhelmed. I don't know where to start. I need to try to focus on that more I think.

The doctor's office called today and told me I am getting a referral for PT. I told them I didn't want to schedule anything right now because I don't have transportation so I will have to call them when I'm ready. I really hate going to PT after work and I know it is going to be too much of a hassle to leave in the middle of the day. I don't want to do it at all. I will be more exhausted than I already am. I don't want to think about that anymore either because there's nothing I can do at the moment.

I guess I am going to try to relax soon. I don't have much else to talk about. I hope that tomorrow is a good day.

I hope everyone else has a good day tomorrow too. :) 💖💖💖

[shslpunkartist99]

Hiiiiii

What a... fuckin' year

It's a doozy, so.. y'know the drill

So I've been more quiet as the year slowly drew to a close. The holidays have become a stressful time for me now. It used to only be because of work (work is always hectic for the holidays), but after moving out a couple of states away from my og home, it got more stressful trying to visit family. My manager didn't help with it either, literally delaying in approving my time off, so I had to go broke buying expensive plane tickets. Had to work a shit ton, both to make as much money as I could AND because it was the standard (we're an entertainment place for all ages, so yeah. Hella busy).

The holidays themselves were.. not the best. You guys know I don't talk much, and the few friends I have know that I'm not a social person (I feel constantly guilty about that). I would be perfectly content sitting at the edge of the table with friends while they chatted away. Hell, I'd be content not talking to anyone for over a month.

This ends up including my family, unfortunately. I know family is important and I need to keep in touch with them, but it's difficult. Both of our lives are extremely boring and mundane: we work, we rest at home, we eat, that's all. None of us go out to travel. None of us do any exciting activities. It's the same day everyday.

I bring this up because my silence has gotten people close to me to believe that I don't care about them. I don't keep in touch, therefore I don't care. I "only think about myself", so I'm selfish. I "don't think about other people", so I'm a careless person.

So that, uh... fucked me up.

We made the most of it, them claiming they don't want the holiday ruined (even though I was already defeated day 1 out of 4), so it ended.. ok? But it still sucked. Especially since I ended up getting sick. Medicine only made it worse because haha, why would it WANT to help? (Had me puking after taking it. Hadn't puked in years). I'm still sick now (haven't had time to properly recover because I had to work to make up for lost time, and my job wouldn't have me go back to work until I got a doctor's note, and that's just added stress I didn't want to deal with), but at least I have today and tomorrow to rest up.

Now that the holidays are done and over with, things should go back to how they SHOULD be: answering you guys' asks more often, putting up more frequent content and ideas, actually keeping in touch with friends.. the good stuff. Work should slow down to a much easier pace after this week (starting this week tbh, the next "big" event isn't until the end of this month), so I should be able to manage my time and energy properly.

I'm not gonna make any big deal about resolutions or anything like that, but I do want to try and get a writing piece done every week or something. Whether based on an existing idea or something random. I want to get the flow going again. Art shouldn't be an issue. Streaming will still be random.

The main thing is also to socialize again. Kim, Shades, I missed you guys. Kinda left ya on read, and I know you guys are super understanding and stuff, but it feels very unfair that you guys do a lot for me, and I don't do anything back. I'm gonna regain focus and energy to properly return the favor. I'm gonna try to keep the same energy with my family too. As shitty as that visit went, they're all I got, and they're all going through issues as well. So if me messaging them a "Hey, how are you?" sparks some joy in them, then I'll do that. At least for my bro, who I feel has been going through the most. He deserves better.

I still got some recovery to do. Not just with the sick or the mental, but also taking care of my home and better habits. Haven't been cleaning or cooking lately because of depression, and it's starting to show. I need to fix that up. But I'm just relieved the year is over, and I don't have to worry as much about work or spending lots of money or traveling or any other shit going on. I can finally (hopefully) relax..

If it's seen as selfish to take care of myself.. tbh? I'm defeated. I don't care anymore. I'm barely holding myself together with cheap tape. But with things easing up, it should be better. Should be easier.

I might still be a lil quiet here still until at least the sick is gone, but I might do lil stuff here and there. Probably have the Punks take over a lil for fun. I've been thinking about them a lot, as well as the comfort characters Keith, Leroy, and Naomi (I've actually been having multiple dreams with her, which made me really happy. I'll talk about them one day. She's so cool).

You guys have made for a great year tbh. Helping me develop ideas and being interested in my silly gay characters and aus. Idk how many of you are here (or still here), but I wouldn't have a happy corner without you guys. Thank you so much. I hope you guys had a great holiday, had a good enough year, and will continue to have fun times for the current future.

♤♡◇♧Bloop♧◇♡♤

[freckleswithcloudythoughts]

3.10.2025

this weekend was busy but well spent with wife’s family visiting. it’s both of our moms birthdays today, (go figure! small world, i know!) we’ve been spending time with her mom all weekend, and tomorrow we will do dinner, cake and presents with my mom tomorrow! i’m really lucky to have the mama and mama-in-law i have, i really am🤍

life is just so hectic, spent most of the day cleaning, doing laundry and going to therapy, which was alright. got a lot covered but also feel like i didn’t get everything i needed out of it today. it happens sometimes.

wife has been working non stop the past two weeks and i feel for her and also miss her. i want her to get a break. she needs it.

i’m starting to realize i have a harder time not having control over things than i realized.

i also still feel panicked more often than i should lately. will start having chest pains and other random symptoms. i’m getting sent paper resources, but idk if grounding techniques are going to help me, especially if im in the moment at work and have other things to occupy my time and energy for. it’s just really making me worry more.

i need to figure out how to let things go and calm down. i need to figure this out. i can’t let stress eat me alive.

i need to find peace within myself.

[engbergsinfinland]

Wednesday ... it's Wednesday again.

The weeks just seem to be flying by! This week was of course punctuated by a major event. The US election took place on Tuesday, concluding what seems like an eternity of campaigning, and we feel that way all the way over here in Finland and we weren't even subjected to the barrage of US campaign ads and mailings and calls and yard signs that our friends and family in the US had to face on a daily basis. Experiencing this election from afar, from Europe, has been very odd. People here in Finland are interested in the outcome of the US election and they seem to be unilaterally opposed to Donald Trump. Alas, this man, who my husband and my children and I all find detestable, has once again claimed the presidency. I won't go into any more details about it in this post, because it's just too alarming and if I start detailing all of my reasons for concern, this blog post will just take a dramatic shift into a deep political and cultural analysis.

After some snow last weekend, the weather warmed again and most of the snow melted off. But on Monday and Tuesday there was still a lot of ice around and very slippery pavement. I've been convinced that I'm going to end up falling on my bottom at least a few times during our year here. I lived in Michigan for 12 years and I honestly don't remember ever wiping out on the ice there. I find that almost impossible, in retrospect, and I imagine that it probably did happen. Over the course of two days earlier this week, I seriously almost splatted on the sidewalk or in the parking lot on a number of occasions. I'm going to have to get those spiked to contraptions that go on my shoes.

Today, on Wednesday, it was in the mid-40s and was rather pleasant. I taught today and tomorrow I'm actually teaching again as I deliver a guest lecture on usability in a colleague's class. Also, this week, a podcast I did about the Yankton Dakota activist writer Gertrude Simmons Bonnin, otherwise known as Zitkala-Ša, was released on the Breaking Down Patriarchy podcast. I recorded this episode this last summer. My cousin, a professor at the University of Utah, had a graduate student who was the host of this podcast. Somehow my cousin referred the host, Amy Alebest, to me, and she had an interest in learning more about Zitkala-Ša, who I have written a lot about over the last 20 years. Anyway, I listened to the episode and I think it actually turned out quite well, and I guess that's saying something since I'm usually very critical of my own work and especially anything of me that's recorded!

Last week I wrote an email to the gymnastics school that Cece is a part of, asking whether I might be able to move her to a class that has a little bit more structure, more coaching/spotting, and is perhaps less of a recreational free-for-all, though I didn't put it in those terms. I heard back this week that she can do a trial class in a pre-competitive group at the beginning of December. If it works out, she'll move to that group. So she's excited to get ready for that. On Sunday, we went once again to the trampoline park in Kauppi and they also have some gymnastics equipment. So she and I worked a little bit on the USA Gymnastics Level 3 beam routine and we did some front handsprings, or rather I should say she did some front handsprings, and front flips on the trampolines. Rowan came too and did some rock climbing on the bouldering wall and on the big wall, with the auto-belay.

I don't have really anything else to report this week; the election results really took the wind out of my sails. But, perhaps some interesting and fun things will happen soon and I will tell you all about them in my weekend post. We know the weather is going to get colder again soon and once it's late November, things are going to get kind of hectic for us. I have a friend visiting from the US right before Thanksgiving, and then we have Fulbright Thanksgiving events in Helsinki, and then the next day we're flying up to Kuusamo to go skiing at the Ruka ski resort for the weekend, and then we come back, and the very next weekend, Cece has an ice-skating competition in Jyväskylä. So, late November will have lots going on, so a relatively uninteresting week--relative to our activities, sights we've seen, or Finnish things we've learned-- like this one is just fine.

[smartlifeoptions]

There Is No Tomorrow

19th December 2023

Blog Post #4.

I Have a Subscriber.

Yes, that’s right, I have my very first subscriber - Thank you very much for following my blog (Prayer).

For anyone who has been reading my previous posts you will know that I have had zero interaction or feedback since I started blogging four weeks ago. So, it was a very special day on Friday when I received an email to say I had my first subscriber. (celebrate)

To be honest, I was considering delaying this week’s post as I had a hectic week ahead of me what with work and the extra Christmas activities plus, if I’m being totally truthful, the lack of interest and activity on my blog had left me feeling a little disillusioned.

I’m not sure what the protocol is, whether I should mention you or not (you know who you are 😊), but thank you. It has really put the spring back in my step. (clap)

Would you like to follow my journey too? Could you be subscriber number two? 

There Is No Tomorrow

Christmas day is only seven more sleeps, and this is the week I start to hear Apollo Creed shouting at me ‘There is no tomorrow!’.

I grew up on Rocky and one of the many quotes that has stuck with me is from Rocky III when Apollo Creed is frustrated with Rocky during their sparring session. Rocky turns to Apollo and says ‘Tomorrow, we’ll do it tomorrow’. Apollo fires back at him shouting ‘There is No Tomorrow!’.

This week I need to make sure what needs to be done, gets done. I can’t put it off any longer. Christmas day is celebrated around the world. It’s not just a private family thing that we can put back a week or two. I can’t tell my six year old daughter that Santa is running late and she’ll need to wait a bit longer for her presents.

Things need to be done. That means no lounging around on an evening flicking through the TV channels. Instead, the laptop needs to be fired up and presents bought, or at least ordered. An evening visit to the supermarket is required to do the big Christmas shop. Christmas cards need to be written and posted if they are going to arrive in time. These things must be done this week – There is no tomorrow!

There is an urgency around this week. Even if you think you’ve done everything that needs doing, I bet there will still be something that comes up at the last minute or you are at least checking and rechecking you’ve covered all bases.

This got me thinking about the rest of the year. I must admit, most of the year I can hear myself repeating Rocky saying ‘Tomorrow, I’ll do it tomorrow’. If you ask my partner, she will probably say my response is more ‘Next week, I’ll do it next week’. I think she is probably right. I have been promising to clear the clutter from our garage for the past six years.

I started to think about just how much I would achieve if I took this week’s mindset into every week of the year. This train of thought has become more prominent since I’ve been listening to some of the productivity books on Audible. I’ve mentioned ‘Someday is Today’ by Matthew Dicks in previous posts and how he has a sense of urgency in his life. An urgency to get things done as quickly as possible or eliminate them completely, so he can spend more time doing the things he wants to do, with the people he wants to do them with.

I do have a little chuckle at some of the extreme things he mentions such as, timing himself to work out the quickest way to unload the dishwasher, saving time by flossing while still in the shower or walking faster to get to places quicker, but I get the point. Putting that sense of urgency into our lives means we will get things done quicker and give ourselves more time to enjoy the things that really matter.

I have also mentioned the book Atomic Habits in previous posts. Again, this has some really good ideas to get through the daily tasks that we sometimes put off or never even start. Since I’ve adopted some of the strategies and started chipping away at these little tasks one at a time. Nothing too onerous, just one little task a day that may only take up to 30 minutes to complete, it’s given me a sense of satisfaction and an enthusiasm to start the next task. This is a complete contrast to my usual approach. You know, the one where I put it off as the time is not right or I allow something else to becomes a distraction. The approach that starts to slowly build more and more pressure as the days go by and the urgency of the task intensifies as the deadline approaches until it eventually becomes an all-consuming drain on your day.

It’s amazing how much you can accomplish just by changing your mindset.

So, here’s to a productive week and I hope you accomplish most, if not everything, before the big day. 

On that note, here’s what I plan to do this week:

 1. To Watch 

It must be ‘It’s A Wonderful Life’. It’s a classic and I love it, but I must admit I have allen asleep to it these last few years. So, this year, I intend to start early and see it through to the end.

2 . Buy 

It’s my eldest son’s birthday this week, so in addition to Christmas shopping I will also be buying a birthday card and cake plus a birthday present or two. He always sends me links to his preferred birthday and Christmas presents and I try, where possible, to use this UK CashBack site when I’m shopping online.

3. To Do 

Wrap the Christmas presents nice and early. I want to be organized this year and have the presents wrapped before Christmas Eve. I have spent too many years wrapping presents late on Christmas Eve. A job that takes me into the early hours of Christmas Day and loses all its appeal. So, this year I have promised myself I will wrap a present or two every night and be completely finished before Christmas Eve (I will report back on how well I do).

4. To Visit

I’m not really the guy who sends Christmas cards, but I receive two every year without fail from close family friends. Whether I send one to them or not, I always get a card and I always feel guilty for not sending one back. So, this week I intend to deliver their Christmas cards personally and hopefully spend an hour or two with them chatting over a cup of tea.

5. To Listen 

Phil Spector’s Christmas Album – ‘A Christmas Gift for You’ - My mother has this in her vinyl collection. We grew up on it. Every Christmas she would dust it off and play it and play it and play it. I can still hear the scratching of the needle on the vinyl between songs playing in my ears, even though I am now listening to a digitally remastered version on Amazon Music. Again, this is another thing that will remind me of those special times and encourage me to make new memories.

6.      To Share 

Yes, you know by now - My post 😁 

Finally, here's another Christmas joke: 

🎅 Why did Santa Claus get a parking ticket on Christmas Eve?

-         He left his sleigh in a snow parking zone. 😂

Have a great week.

Until next time,

Phil

[aajjks]

BC!JK

next week. another flurry of seven days.

they weren’t bad, rather, it was okay.

you’re ahead when it comes to planning activities for your kids, so you had a little more time on your hands to get back to making and selling your ceramic art pieces.

you and jungkook are okay. well, you think so. that small extroverted glimmer of yours quickly died down since that night and being with you now feels like walking on a tightrope. you’re closed off, sweet, yet quiet and shy. when the two of you can, you both go on a lunch date together but the keyword is CAN because jungkook’s father has been occupying all of his time and you understand why.

his father wants to make sure jungkook has everything under control before he tends to other business matters so he leaves the company in jungkook’s hands to see if he can handle the pressure.

aside from hanging out in person, you two text and call each other a lot. really. it’s jungkook.

what are you wearing today?

what are you teaching your kids today?

what are you this and that, he wants to know and he wants to see you before the next day since the only time he has to actually talk is during his small “break” period.

you’ve yet to tell danielle that the two of you are dating only because you want to be sure jungkook really is the one before you spread the news like wildfire and you’re hoping jungkook has done the same.

ever since the date, you were unsure if your relationship with him will last but when you woke to go to class, you were greeted with an edible arrangement just for you and a card reading:

‘i hope this makes you smile’

and it certainly did. unfortunately the gift didn’t come from jungkook like you thought it did.

it was jaehan.

At least he has two days off. Jungkooks been the busiest since last week but he tries his best to see you and know how you are doing? It’s safe to say that you both are doing fine, you’re still so quiet, shy.

It’s sometimes hard to keep the conversation with you going because you’re so quiet. Jungkooks his way home already and he wants to visit you. So, maybe he will just do that.

You must be on your way home and the best thing about this hectic day is that he’s finally getting to see you, he’s not going to call you, he’s definitely going to surprise you.

So he makes sure to stop by a bakery so he can take a few sweet treats for you, he never wants to stop spoiling you.

He’s thinking about you, tomorrow is the party so he has to pick up your dress too, he will do that tonight, but right now he’s almost there to your place.

It’s 9.

As jungkook pulls up after a few minutes to your house, he gets off his car, after parking, which is always a struggle for him, but he’s in a good mood tonight.

Jungkook makes quick steps to your door and he’s knocking, ringing your bells, “yn!!!” He calls out as he patiently waits for you to open the door.

You should be happy to see him, he hopes.

After tapping his foot on the floor for nth time you Findlay open the door, and he greets you in the most sweet tone, pulling you into a hug, and after a few minutes he’s inside.

He’s looking around, his hands in his black coats pocket.

Your place is so nice, so comfy and homely.

You look so good like this, in casual clothes with your hair a little messy, makeup off and your spectacles decorating your face along your freckles.

You’re so pretty.

And he begins to look over again, until something on your kitchen counter catches his eye, something awfully familiar. “Who got you this, yn?”

[humansun]

taylor swift in one week

Written Wednesday, August 2nd, 2023 at 8:07AM

It’s hot. I’m sweaty and I just got out the shower.

What am I thinking about? I find it intimidating for myself when I’m not doing as well as I wish I could be, but I can only do my best in the circumstances I’m in.

My grandma still gets on my nerves but less so. My relationship with my mom is a lot better. I’m still trying to figure out my way. 

Good things: I submitted my AWC application, I have plenty to work on this month, and I have a new book to dig my nose into for the next week. 

The reason why things feel particularly hectic this morning is because I’ve been procrastinating on my actual work work, so after writing this, I’ll jump right into it!

I haven’t gotten the time to meditate or really catch my breath after everything that’s been happening. Hopefully, when things wind down significantly, I’ll be able to do that and it will be relaxing. I’m going to be okay!

Written 11:29PM

Hi, I accidentally and then intentionally had way too much caffeine today, so that’s why I’m up and why I most likely will not attend tomorrow’s gym session.

Instead of putting myself down about it, which old Betty would do, I am now accepting my circumstances and understanding that part of my routine is to be out of my routine. This is not my quote, but shoutout to the quote’s owner, a podcast host for one of the random episodes I picked out a few months ago.

What’s going on? Well a lot. Instead of me screaming at the top of my lungs while playing Mario Party with buds, today I couldn’t sleep for 30+ minutes, so I’m up jotting all my thoughts down and reading the book I checked out yesterday.

Today was a special day, for all the mundane reasons. I did my productive morning, tried my best to keep it neutral while my emotions were going bezerk over my grandma’s commentary throughout the day, took myself on a mini-retreat to an underground-vibe park, and meditated! I also fell asleep while reading at the park.

I spent a fair share of my morning thinking about how I didn’t meet my calorie needs yesterday and that left me feeling uneasy. But! The best part about taking the time to reflect is resolving the issue eventually. I realized that everyone has a couple off days when they’re transitioning into a new routine and process, and it’s natural for things to not go 100% as planned. Even when things are super solid, it’s natural for things to go awry on some days. That is life.

While meeting up with a coworker, I have come to realize how comfortable and stable I feel in being in my mid-20’s. I’ve reached a point of acceptance and contentment, which I honestly didn’t expect. It’s almost like life happens before you realize it, but when you realize it, you learn that you are okay with the process.

I’m confident that as I continue to age, I will reach these conclusions and find joy in the small moments and ease in the temporary lows. Being 25 has been an adventure that I had not planned, but I’m certainly happy and proud of the place I am currently in. I didn’t realize that I would make this much progress creatively over the past year.

I especially would not have thought that I would complete two short films, even if they were super scrappy. I learned while making them, enjoyed the process, and spent time with some of the best people in my life. There will never be regrets in this experience.

I want to also recognize that maybe in this moment, I feel secure and happy. There’s a chance that this could change tomorrow when I wake up, and I’ll feel lost, crummy, and uncertain about the future. But this is what life is. It’s the ups and downs that we’ll get as we’re hit with unexpected life events, fluctuating emotions, and the different types of responsibilities we’ll be dealt in all our roles in life.

There is nothing easy about existing, but trying is a huge feat. Learning is rewarding. Growing will always be exciting. There are not many days now that I feel certain, excited, and secure in my path, but today in particular, I do. Today I feel like everything makes more sense, even if its not exactly what I imagine it to be. I feel today that I am worthy and that everything will fall into place, because there is proof historically that it has.

The promise that I make to myself today is to always do my best, and always strive for better. Not in terms of materialistic goals or money, but in terms of being a better me, appreciating my present, and growing internally. I have the potential to always grow, and I’m confident that I will continue to, with the effort that I put in each day. 

Each day I can grow more patient. I can be more controlled. I will empathize and listen rather than think about my response and interrupt. I will be open-minded and celebratory of life when I can be. I will know that there is another tomorrow. I will appreciate each moment of my existence as best I can. In the mist of all the hardship and uncomfortable thoughts/feelings, I get to experience today’s joy. That is my win.

[wenevergotusedtoegypt]

In general my in-laws have almost completely stopped sending anything to the family group chat except my MIL sending the same good Shabbos message with a different kitschy GIF every week. Part of this can be attributed to the fact that my husband calls them on his drive home most days, but even when they message him, they send it to him privately even if it has equally to do with me and even though that means that only one of THEM is part of the conversation. I was privy to exactly zero details of the planning of this visit unless my husband told me. Didn’t know their flight was delayed yesterday or that they’d even gotten in until I asked him today because apparently this was not information they felt relevant to share with me directly.

My husband even deliberately moved the conversation about plans for tomorrow and Shabbos from a private chat with one of his parents to the group chat AND ONE OF THEM RESPONDED TO IT PRIVATELY WITH SOMETHING NO NORMAL PERSON WOULD NOT WANT ME TO SEE.

They told my husband they were going to spend today with his aunt and uncle who live nearish by and that they wanted to come over for Shabbos dinner Friday night (the latter was their idea). Then at like 5:45 this evening my MIL called my husband and asked if they could come see us tonight?? They did not though because it turned out they were over an hour away as of around 6:30. And it just. Didn’t occur to them that it would take that long?? That little kids have bedtimes?? Both?? But also you have to understand that this woman has been asking my husband for specific details about 2yo’s upshernish for at least a month already, and it’s still over 3 months away, but she thinks it’s ok to tell us they wouldn’t see us today only to change their minds at dinner time??

Then, despite it having been their idea to come for Friday night dinner, they decided that they don’t want to eat dinner that late, so instead they’d just like to come “hang out” for essentially the last 2 hours before Shabbos and then leave. You know. Quite possibly the most hectic 2 hours of any shomer Shabbos Jew’s week. And we’re meant to entertain them because we can’t just rush around and then hang afterwards because they aren’t staying for that part.

Then, we asked them what their plans are for Shabbos day and they said they didn’t know, they’d just have to see how they were feeling and let us know. Which at this point in the week was essentially saying, “buy and prepare food for us for Shabbos lunch but we reserve the right to flake out. Or maybe we’re going to show up first thing in the morning and stay all day. It’s a surprise for everyone!” When we told them that we need to know now because we’re having 4 other guests for the meal and need to know what’s going on, they acted surprised and asked if we’re sure there will be enough room. Idk but maybe it would help us figure it out if you’d actually commit to coming or not? And also literally why are you surprised that people besides you are visiting your DIL the day before her sister’s wedding for which you too flew in? Like just maybe. Just maybe there are other people who we might want to see coming into town. Weirdly.

My in-laws got into town last night. I haven’t even seen them yet, and yet somehow, they have already managed to drive me so far up the wall that I have launched through the ceiling and well up into the atmosphere.