#Tilly: The Progress of a Victorian Lesbian and Female Husband

[amarrymeinbostonwriter]

All Lesbian Coded Characters born in England between 1830 and 1899 know is horses, dogs, chivalry, obsession with maid/nurse, swordfight, duel sexists, hunting, wear trousers, smoke cigars and lie.

[amarrymeinbostonwriter]

I added text to my Gerry X Adelaide drawing from last week. And even though this is a shit post essentially, it describes them better than it should. And probably half the relationships in the Tilly project if we're being honest...

[amarrymeinbostonwriter]

12/22/22- And I did a sheet for Coachman Dave too. 

“Coachman Dave”/ Mr. David Sachar-Kingsley 

A classmate of Sarah Holburn that she met at finishing school. Dave was born a younger daughter to an upper class Jewish family. He kept his mother’s family name Sachar when he changed identities.

He and Miss Holburn were lovers when they left finishing school together. When she got her first position as governess to Mr. Charles Murray’s daughters Rosie and Tilly, Dave became Mr. Murray’s coachman. He remained with the family until Tilly was eleven. 

When Tilly and Hess honeymoon in London as newly weds, he later appears married to Carol Kingsley, a brewster while he works as a coachman in London. He and Carol socialize in many groups including the lesbian bar, Artemis’ Huntresses. Gerry and Mort (Paulie’s lover) are his two best friends. 

Because he becomes a long standing member of his community he also earns the affectionate title “Grandsire” to indicate his elder status. Later in life, he cares for Gerry’s horses and lives at Radclyffe Heights with the retired Professor Sarah Holburn. 

Birthday: January 4th (Capricorn) 

Dave is a calm natured female husband. If he were alive in the 2020s instead of the 1800s, he’d most likely be a trans man. 

[amarrymeinbostonwriter]

12/22/22- Our prince has arrived! 

“Gerry”/Lady Geraldine Starling (formerly Miss Geraldine Davenport) 

The chivalrous and knightly wife of Lord Paul Starling (a gay man). Gerry married Paulie mainly as a favor to him. Gerry lives at Radclyffe Heights, The Starling Manor, with Paulie, his devoted life long lover Sir Mortimer Highwater, and the woman she happens to be courting at the time. 

She is three years older than Tilly, the same age as Miss Adelaide Green. Tilly looks up to her, as if in awe, when they first meet. 

Self described as a “gambling lad of a girl”, Gerry often puts herself in harms’ way to protect other women and gay men. She duels frequently in the story.

Notable connections to other characters: 

Coachman Dave (Best Friend), Lord Paul Starling (Legal Husband), Lady Isadora Davenport (Mother), Mrs. Mabel Umber (a widow who becomes her girlfriend), Miss Adelaide Green (her first girlfriend), Miss Angela Townsville (girlfriend), Miss Olivia Beaufort (girlfriend), Professor Matilda Knight (friend who later becomes her long term girlfriend) 

Birthday: November 7th (Scorpio) 

Gerry is a stone butch with a rash nature. 

Her hat has The Starling family crest on it which is a starling bird rising upwards, being flanked by four stars. 

[amarrymeinbostonwriter]

12/22/22: I did some character pages! This is Tilly’s character page (I have 3 others I did today). 

“Tilly” Matilda Murray/Mr. Matthew Murray-Grey/Professor Matilda M. Knight

Charles and Danice Murray’s second daughter. Rosalie’s younger butch horse-loving sister. Conspired with her sister to make their second governess, Miss Grey’s life miserable because they wanted their first governess Miss Holburn to return. 

Tilly becomes a female husband and marries Hester Knight under a new male identity. 

Later in life, she finishes her incomplete education and reunites with Miss Holburn to help her run an all girl’s school. They are both professors with college degrees by this point. 

Through her sister Rosalie’s social connections, she meets The Starlings (a couple in a lavender marriage- a gay man marries a lesbian) and then becomes Lady Gerry Starling’s long time lover. 

Birthday: April 30th (Taurus) 

Tilly is a soft butch with a generally naïve nature.

[amarrymeinbostonwriter]

Some of my journaling from earlier today. I had another idea for some of my characters from my NaNoWriMo. Yes, I gave Gerry a side story with a different woman (again). Mabel was never mentioned in the main story because Gerry is with Mabel when Tilly is married to Hess. Gerry isn’t in Tilly’s story for several years and this explains what happened to her in the time between. 

I put a purple filter on the kiss between Gerry and Mabel (with Gerry kissing the lipstick off of Mabel). 

Basically, I was trying to have as many different kinds of relationships in the story as possible since the LGBT community is diverse. While not necessarily my cup of tea (Gerry does a lot of things I probably wouldn’t- honestly several of the characters do), I wanted to include an intergenerational relationship (between consenting adults ONLY). It seemed somewhat common for gay adults I’ve noticed- maybe less so now that there’s a lot more of us. This story also takes place mostly in the late 1800′s so it’s a historic drama with lesbians, bi women, and several other lgbt characters.

Lady Davenport (Gerry’s mom) is the same age as Mabel and Mabel’s youngest son is younger than Gerry. Mr. Umber is bisexual and he supports his mother when none of his siblings do because he can sympathize with her. He is in awe of the Starlings much like Matilda is earlier in the story. 

The bottom picture is Mabel’s youngest son (Mr. Umber in the story), Lady Gerry Starling and Lord Paul Starling are in the last picture. Paul is extremely feminine and is supposed to be Gerry’s opposite.

[amarrymeinbostonwriter]

January 14th 2023: Character doodles for side characters in my most recent NaNoWriMo Project.

These are two of many wlw couples in this project. The first couple are both bi and the second couple are both lesbians. The two butch girls are cousins- they're both characters who are often seen at the Huntresses in the story.

[amarrymeinbostonwriter]

01. 03. 2023: Card Game at The Crooked Arrow, a Victorian gay bar. Late 1880s.

This is almost behind the scenes but they all love a good game of cards. The players are Carol the Brewster (green dress) and her husband, Coachman Dave (red plaid shirt). Gerry "Lady Lavender" Starling, an heiress and sportswoman (black coat). Sir Mortimer, a former military gentleman (green coat) and Lord Paul Starling, an heir and lover of all things fashionable (blue coat).

[amarrymeinbostonwriter]

01. 02. 2023: Gerry and Adelaide during their first season.

In my head, they were both running around in Gerry's yard just yelling at each other (lovingly) in a reckless lesbian abandon. This was part of a scene idea I had for my WIP.

Lady Davenport (Gerry's mother) and her third husband, Gerry's stepfather, were in the scene too but I didn't draw them here.

[amarrymeinbostonwriter]

Gerry when she finds a girl she likes at The Huntresses (the lesbian bar in her story). 

[amarrymeinbostonwriter]

12/22/22: Hess’ Character page 

“Hess” Hester Knight/ Mrs. Hester Knight Grey 

Mrs. Agnes Weston’s maid with a mysterious past. Also connected to another family that Mrs. Weston knows. 

Coachman Dave and his wife Carol’s adopted daughter. 

Matilda’s second love and first wife.

She looks younger than Tilly but she’s actually a year older than her. Hess has a petit frame but she’s stronger than she looks. 

Some of the drama surrounding her character is related to her past including the nickname she received from the other girls at Artemis’ Huntresses (the London lesbian bar in the story) which was “Girlfriend Non Grata.” Her reputation was such that the girls who met Matilda in the bar were surprised that she married Hester, much to Dave and Carol’s annoyance. 

Birthday: May 25th (Gemini) 

She is a femme with a secretive nature. 

A lot of her fashion inspiration is “doll-like”. She wears a lot of lacey/frilly clothes. She looks delicate too- her style is meant to contrast the more earthy Matilda who likes the practicality of workman’s clothing.  

[amarrymeinbostonwriter]

NaNoWriMo 2022: Day 30

I went back to Tilly and Hess because they started the story for me. Huzzah for Anne Bronte crack ships! This project is a very gay sequel to Agnes Grey and it also brings in some characters from The Tennant of Wildfell Hall, briefly. And there’s a lot of people that I made up (that is almost all of the Victorian lesbians except three of them-Matilda, Miss Green, and Hess, though she has a different name in Agnes Grey and the reason for that is explained in this novel). The Starlings, Dave, Miss Holburn, Peggy, Jake, and Ursa are all my characters. 

And now another NaNoWriMo season is officially over. So how did everyone else do? Did you reach your writing goals? 

Well, congrats, regardless of how far you got! :D And good luck with all your editing. Mine is going to be a great Victorian beast to edit and organize. ;-; 

Day 30: 1,917 Words

NaNoWriMo 2022 Word Count Total: 84,400 Words !!!

Excerpt:

I’m not sure if she knew about us or not. Mrs. Weston was clever, of course, because she had been a governess. I always got the feeling that she felt sorry for me. I don’t know if she also felt sorry for Hess. Perhaps she pitied us both. I was still trying to get a grasp on Hess’ situation, but she dodged my well-meaning inquiries about her people. I wondered if she had anyone in the world to claim her as kin. She very well could have been an orphan girl that the Westons took on to help. They were that good and kindly that I would have believed it myself; so would anyone who knew them.

If poor Hess was all alone in the world then I decided then that I would be her family. She could call me her kin. I would claim her as my own. I hated the idea that poor Hess had no one who would love her, no one who would stand up and proudly call her family. So I decided that I had to be that person to remedy the evil that the world had dealt my darling Hester.

“Don’t let me stop you.” Mrs. Weston said kindly but then reconsidered. “Girls, could you do me the great favor of going shopping for me today?”

“Both of us, Mrs. Weston?” I asked.

“Yes, you may both go. In fact, because you are such fine friends, I’d prefer it.”

“What if one of the babies wakes up when we’re gone?” Hess then asked.

“I will be fine. They’re my own children. I will have to learn to manage on my own, won’t I?”

“Mrs. Weston, we won’t leave if you don’t want us to.” I said loyally. And Hess nodded to confirm her agreement.

“You girls don’t have to stay with me forever. You aren’t my servants either. I feel badly that you feel you must work so hard.”

“We didn’t want you to strain yourself. Birth is dangerous.” I said and for some reason she seemed surprised. She doesn’t know I had seen my horse give birth nor about Mama’s friends’ funeral.

What can a naïve twenty year old girl who had never been with a man know about babies anyhow? Was what she probably thought as I spoke. Because to her, that’s what I probably was. Most girls my age were already married or were on their way to the altar. I wondered then if Hess was running from a bad suitor. We were the age for it now. She was nineteen to my twenty but she seemed to know so much more of the world. I thought what that might mean, but it did not bode well for poor Hess.

“Well, I’m surprised that they let you know that before marriage, Matilda.” Mrs. Weston said.

“It’s okay, Mrs. Weston, I don’t think I’ll ever get married. I wanted to be a bluestocking when I was a little girl.” I admitted and her eyes widened at that.

Hess gave me an odd look which I couldn’t read. But I get the feeling that my words upset her somehow. I don’t know why they would. It should have reassured her. I wasn’t going to leave her for a male suitor. I would have loved to hear her say something similar. Her silence however was pained more than I had expected and at the time, ignorant to the ways of the world, I didn’t yet realize why.

[amarrymeinbostonwriter]

NaNoWriMo 2022: Day 29

Here have a Sketch of Miss Matilda Murray-Knight (blonde) and Lady Gerry Starling (brunette) when they’re in their 30s. I drew this one earlier in the evening. Matilda’s gender expression changes a few times over the book but she’s usually more masculine and Gerry is butch the whole time. 

The excerpt is from earlier in the month even though I did write a little today. Today’s piece was from Matilda’s mother’s perspective. Instead I wanted to share the part when Matilda goes to live with Gerry, Paul, and Mort. 

Gerry and Paul’s marriage was a business arrangement. Basically so Paul could inherit his family home he had to marry a woman from his class. Paul Starling is a gay man and he didn’t want to marry a straight woman. So he chose to marry Gerry, who is a lesbian. I imagine this probably happened often a long time ago. They are legitimately friends but not romantically/sexually interested in each other. 

They’re supposed to represent one way gay people may have worked around/within a system that was not built for them. There are other relationships in the novel like female husbands marrying female wives and The Boston Marriage as well. Matilda participates in both of these relationships over the course of her life. She’s also Gerry’s primary girlfriend for part of the novel too. This novel covers most of Matilda’s life since she’s the titular character. 

Day 29 Word Count: 574 Words

Word Count Total So Far: 82,438 Words

Excerpt:

Rosie was surprised that I had left with the Starlings and Sir Highwater. Lord Young went with Ashby back to London as we were headed for The Starlings’ country manor, Radclyffe Heights. Lord Starling chatted pleasantly and leaned all over a stoic Sir Highwater. He smiled ever so slightly under his mustache. It was clear to me that the hummingbird-like Lord Starling was the center of Sir Highwater’s world. He patiently shook his head and never uttered more than a word or two in response to Lord Starling’s babbling brook. Mostly the husband and wife talked back to each other.

Gerry smacked her husband lightly on the knee when she laughed at something he said, “My God, Paul, poor Tilly here shall think us perverse!”

“She still wanted to come with us. Ashby was sure she was one of us. I’d bet my most beautiful dress she is.” He returned and then offered me a smile. “Now tell us, dear, you’re among family- I’m almost certain. Do you like women or men? Both is also an acceptable answer.”

“Aww, Paulie, You’re going to scare the girl by being so direct.” Gerry defended me, she even took my hand and I let her. I liked the weight of her hand in mine; it was reassuring. “You don’t have to answer him, if you don’t want to, Matilda. Keep him guessing; it’s more fun that way.” She winked to me.

“Women; Lord Starling, when I am dreaming it’s always about women.” I finally said it aloud and Gerry slapped me on the back.

“Hell yeah, Tilly, is there any other way to live?” She seemed extremely pleased to hear me so to the boys.

“Forgive me, darling, but I’m hardly surprised. I thought you reminded me a little too much of my handsome wife for you to think otherwise. But, really, sweetheart, I’m glad that your sister let us take you with us.”

“I’m nineteen. I’m not a child anymore.”

“Escaping a bad marriage proposal?” He asked in sympathy.

“No, I never debuted. Mama was afraid I’d embarrass her and Papa because I only got worse as I got older. The boyish nature I had wasn’t just a rebellious girlhood fancy for me; it was who I actually am.”

“Worse? Tilly, Tilly, no, honey; you got better with age. Don’t let their narrow minded thinking force you into being someone that you’re not. You’ll waste your precious life languishing in pain and misery for the rest of your days. Life is not all suffering. Not even for people like us. Don’t let anyone try to convince you otherwise.” Gerry replied, her lip curling into a smile. Sir Highwater also smiled under his mustache.

“Don’t you worry a thing, dear. You’re safe with us; we’re your friends.” He winked at me. I was surprised. That was the most I had heard him speak at one time.

“We’ll fight anyone who tries to hurt you, Tilly. Welcome home, darling!” Lord Starling cried sweeping his hand out the window, to present the magnificent Radclyffe Heights; the ancestral seat of the eccentric Starling family. It was a true castle and befitting the grand old families who carried out their lives there for the last few centuries.

[amarrymeinbostonwriter]

NaNoWriMo 2022: Day 27

I didn’t post the update yesterday because it was mostly sex scenes. Yes, really.

None of this is written in order and it’s supposed to depict most of the main character’s life. Yesterday’s writing is like 25 years after today’s writing on the time line. Basically, I go with whatever idea I have that day to write about. Again, this will be a beastly mess to edit. So many loose ends to tie up! ;-;

So instead have this story when little Matilda meets her first butch woman, Miss Penney Smythe, a classmate of her mother’s from her finishing school. They’re all upper middle class Victorian women. Rosie was born in 1848 and Matilda 1850 (roughly) so this is from about 1855. Their Mother and Miss Smythe were both in finishing school in the early 1840′s as girls. 

Day 27 word count: 1,935 Words

Total word count: 80,943 Words 

Excerpt: 

I'll take you back as far as I can remember. Johnny was just a baby, not but two years old. I doubt he can remember. I was nearing five myself and Rosie was going to turn seven. Charlie was the baby in Mama's stomach at the time. There are few memories I have when my brothers aren't yet born. Those are even hazier than this one. 

This one sticks out to me because it happened around the time Miss Holburn first became Rosie's and my governess. Papa got a new Coachman around that same time, a kind gentle soul named Dave. But neither of them had much to do at with the arrival of this third person who came to call on my mother when Papa was out on business. Rosie and I did find her a person of interest; she was a jolly woman who wore pants, a man's vest and jacket. Apparently, she was a classmate of Mama's when they went to finishing school. 

"Miss Penney Smythe, let me introduce you to my daughters, Rosalie-" my sister curtseyed when mentioned "and Matilda." I bowed instead much to Miss Smythe's delight.  

"Well, it's my honor to meet you, Miss Murray and Miss Matilda." She took off her hat, a top hat with a feather in it. I was shy around her because I didn't know women like her could exist. I would purposely go to the drawing room where Mama and her guest talked just to look at Miss Smythe. I was mesmerized.

Rosie, wanting attention, brought out her dolls to show Miss Smythe who kindly entertained Rosie's display. Not wanting to be outdone- I also brought my favorite doll- a doll Papa bought for me at my last birthday, but Mama didn't much like. You see she was a soldier and she fought in the American Revolution. Papa found this story charming. I named her Deborah Sampson after the solider herself. I saw her in one of Papa's books. One of his friends was an American and he brought that book, with many pictures, for Rosie, Johnny and me to share. I liked to pour over it even though it wasn't our history; it was still the story of another nation's past.

Papa found me a funny child because I liked old stories and tales of men and women who lived long ago. My mind was awash with knights and princesses, faraway lands and events long forgotten. I retold these stories to Rosie who loved to be the princess in all of them. Naturally, she was and I would be anyone else in the story. Rosie and I danced in the nursery, pretending we were at a masquerade, looking for our enemies on all sides. 

"I don't trust Duke Champlain. He might be in on the plot to murder our mother, the queen." Rosie said to me as we danced together in the imaginary ball room. We made silken masks and small capes from one of Mama’s old dresses to go to the imaginary masquerade.

We were twins in this rendition of the game. She was the lovely, fair Princess Rosie and I was her protective brother, Prince Matthew. Granted, we made much fuss over all these details which Rosie wrote down in our shared notebook. She had better handwriting than me and I didn't want to make a mess of our book.

[amarrymeinbostonwriter]

NaNoWriMo 2022: Days 25 &26

I did not post an update here yesterday but I did update the story on the NaNo website and write both days. 

This Excerpt is from the 25th because my writing today was more scattered. 

Day 25 Word Count: 2,354 Words

Day 26 Word Count: 2,071 Words

Word Total To Date: 78,275 Words

Excerpt (Gerry tells Matilda part of her history with Adelaide): 

I gently kissed Gerry who quietly asked if we could sit in the grass. I sat down with her. I let her use my shoulder for a pillow. She curled up to me and the tale poured out of her;

"When Miss Adelaide Green first walked into the ballroom at the Silver Fountain club, I knew she was a high class lady. Her appearance demanded my attention. I had no power to turn away from her. Something in her eyes intrigued me- because once she saw me, she kept looking. I found that I liked her looking at me because it wasn't a stare laced with fear or disgust; her look was full of fascination." Gerry started softly. I held her, stroking her dark hair, attempting to give her any comfort I could.

"I took a chance and introduced myself. I hadn't met Paulie yet. I'd meet him over a year later- but without Adelaide, I'd never meet him or Mort. I wasn't going to the lesbian bars yet. Adelaide and I met at what was a marriage market. Some people thought I was a young man so they left us alone, for the most part. I was allowed to flirt with her in plain sight. She danced with me and stayed by my side the whole night even ignoring several other young men's invitations to the dance floor. I thought I had awaken in a dream: the Belle of the ball wants and seems to prefer my company? It seemed too good to be true.

"She told me that London made her gloomy. So we slipped her guardians and I brought her back to my family's country estate. She liked horses so we went riding together across the countryside. We stayed out all day and lay in each other's arms at sunset. Adelaide wanted me to show her what I knew and gladly I taught her what I knew about pleasing a lady. At first, she couldn't get enough of me. She seemed to always be nearby looking upon me with intense interest and desire. That's what I thought love was, but it may have been lust." Gerry laughed at that and then sighed. She had hoped it would have lasted longer.  

I kissed her on the forehead. She stroked one of my knees since her hand rested there. With her other hand she secured my arm around her; lacing her fingers through mine. She had taken her gloves off, as I had, so I felt the rough warmth of her hand gently enclosing mine. 

"She spent over a year with me at my country house. Her parents became frantic when they found out. They thought that I had corrupted Adelaide and that she'd never look at a man again. They feared she'd not return to them nor would she fulfill the promise to marry into the family she was promised to. She was far too busy, lost in the forbidden fantasy of another woman's loving embraces. 

“I was one of the worst case scenarios for Mr. And Mrs. Green- they wanted their daughters properly married. Mr. Green even tried to bribe me into sending Adelaide home. She begged me not to let her go, so I held on, and refused Mr. Green his offer. They sent Adelaide's fiancé and his friends after me next. A duel they challenged me to and of course, I couldn't refuse. I thought it was for Adelaide's honor and mine because I had begun to think of them as the same thing. I knew I had to defend her good name. She watched me practice shooting and sword fighting. She was worried.  

" ��You don't have to do this, Gerry. My fiancé is pretty possessive. I don't want him to hurt you.’ 

" ‘You should be more worried about him, Adelaide!’ I answered with the foolish young lover's bravado.

“I loved Adelaide but he barely knew her; he merely sought to possess her like yet another shiny trophy. But I knew that girl and what made her heart beat wildly like a team of horses having escaped their driver. She was more passionate than a proper lady ought to be. But she saved that secret improper side of herself for me because our souls burned with a similar light.”

[amarrymeinbostonwriter]

NaNoWriMo 2022: Day 22

Day 22 Word Count: 1,669 Words

NaNo 2022 Total So Far: 70,135 Words

Excerpt: 

The portrait that Gerry had done of us was hanging on the wall in the hall. Her painter flitted away from her like a fever dream. I don’t know why she hadn’t stayed. Gerry promised her the dawn and the twilight; English summers in the country side and cold winter nights wrapped up in loving arms. Perhaps she was a little too intense. I’ve noticed that. She got herself fired up and went buck wild once she knew she had a woman’s interest. 

Gerry was a gambler; she would do stupid things to keep the women’s interest like spend an obscene amount of money on her. More money than most of these women had ever seen. We’re talking thousands of pounds.

“What does it matter, Matilda? I’m the last of Papa’s great line and Lord knows I’m not going to be anyone’s mother. But that doesn’t mean I’ve never been called Papa before.” She laughed at that; always joking to hide her pain. 

She had that air about her; a swagger that seemed more likely on a gentleman. Well, naturally Gerry was a gentleman. I think seeing me play feminine was really bothering her. She used to talk about how she wanted to teach me all the courtly ways of the female knight.

My sudden shift into this unnatural grab at femininity was disheartening for her. She didn’t think my temporary sacrifice was worth my long term gains. I wanted to teach but in order to do so; I’d have to convince them I was a lady. I felt like I was walking backwards. It was ridiculous, having to pick up my skirt every time I had to step up or down. However did Rosie and nearly every other woman and girl survive every single day? I got so frustrated I tore the bottom of my skirt because I pulled it too hard and then I cried in frustration.

“Do you need my arm?” Gerry asked, watching me mince about. She wasn’t mocking me. I walked so slowly now; it must have been painful to have to keep pace with me. Gerry, of course, tolerated it with an admirable patience. But of course, I was her only girl then, so I didn’t expect her to rush off so suddenly.