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mostlysignssomeportents · 6 months

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All the books I reviewed in 2023 (Novels)

Next Tuesday (December 5), I'm at Flyleaf Books in Chapel Hill, NC, with my new solarpunk novel The Lost Cause, which 350.org's Bill McKibben called "The first great YIMBY novel: perceptive, scientifically sound, and extraordinarily hopeful."

It's that time of year again, when I round up all the books I reviewed for my newsletter in the previous year. I posted 21 reviews last year, covering 31 books (there are two series in there!). I also published three books of my own last year (two novels and one nonfiction). A busy year in books!

Every year, these roundups remind me that I did actually manager to get a lot of reading done, even if the list of extremely good books that I didn't read is much longer than the list of books I did read. I read many of these books while doing physiotherapy for my chronic pain, specifically as audiobooks I listened to on my underwater MP3 player while doing my daily laps at the public pool across the street from my house.

After many years of using generic Chinese waterproof MP3s players – whose quality steadily declined over a decade – I gave up and bought a brand-name player, a Shokz Openswim. So far, I have no complaints. Thanks to reader Abbas Halai for recommending this!

https://shokz.com/products/openswim

I load up this gadget with audiobook MP3s bought from Libro.fm, a fantastic, DRM-free alternative to Audible, which is both a monopolist and a prolific wage-thief with a documented history of stealing from writers:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/07/25/can-you-hear-me-now/#acx-ripoff

All right, enough with the process notes, on to the reviews!

NOVELS

I. Temeraire by Naomi Novik

One of the finest pleasures in life is to discover a complete series of novels as an adult, to devour them right through to the end, and to arrive at that ending to discover that, while you'd have happily inhabited the author's world for many more volumes, you are eminently satisfied with the series' conclusion.

I just had this experience and I am still basking in the warm glow of having had such a thoroughly fulfilling imaginary demi-life for half a year. I'm speaking of the nine volumes in Naomi Novik's Temeraire series, which reimagines the Napoleonic Wars in a world that humans share with enormous, powerful, intelligent dragons.

https://pluralistic.net/2023/01/08/temeraire/#but-i-am-napoleon

II. Destroyer of Worlds by Matt Ruff

The Destroyer of Worlds is a spectacular followup to Lovecraft Country that revisits the characters, setting, and supernatural dread of the original. Country was structured as a series of linked novellas, each one picking up where the previous left off, with a different focal characters. Destroyer is a much more traditional braided novel, moving swiftly amongst the characters and periodically jumping back in time to the era of American slavery, retelling the story of the settlement of the Great Dismal swamp by escaped slaves.

https://pluralistic.net/2023/02/21/the-horror-of-white-magic/#anti-lovecraftian

III. Scholomance by Naomi Novik

The wizards of the world live in constant peril from maleficaria – the magic monsters that prey on those born with magic, especially the children. In a state of nature, only one in ten wizard kids reaches adulthood. So the wizarding world built the Scholomance, a fully automated magical secondary school that exists in the void – a dimension beyond our world. The Scholomance is also an extremely dangerous place – three quarters of the wizard children who attend will die before graduation – but it is much safer than life on the outside.

https://pluralistic.net/2023/03/29/hobbeswarts/#the-chosen-one

IV. Tsalmoth by Steven Brust

Longrunning Brust hero Vlad Taltos has been convinced to recount the story of how he and Cawti came to fall in love, and how they planned their marriage. This is quite an adventure – it plays out against the backdrop of a gang-war within the Jhereg organization, with Vlad in severe mortal peril that he can only avoid by uncovering an intricate criminal caper of crosses, double-crosses, smuggling and sorcery. But while Vlad is dodging throwing knives and lethal spells (or not!), what's really going on is that he and Cawti are falling deeply, profoundly, irrevocably in love. The romance that plays out among the blades and magic is more magical still, a grand passion that expresses itself through Nick-and-Nora wordplay and Three Musketeers swordplay.

https://pluralistic.net/2023/05/27/mannerpunk/#ask-anyone

V. Hopeland by Ian McDonald

Seriously what the fuck is this amazing, uncategorizable, unsummarizable, weird, sprawling, hairball of a novel? How the hell do you research – much less write – a novel this ambitious and wide-ranging? Why did I find myself weeping uncontrollably on a train yesterday as I finished it, literally squeezing my chest over my heart as it broke and sang at the same moment? The stars of Hopeland are members of two ancient, secret societies. There's Raisa Hopeland, who belongs to a globe-spanning, mystical "family," that's one part mutual aid, one part dance music subculture, and one part sorcerer (some Hopelanders are electromancers, making strange, powerful magic with Tesla coils). Amon is a composer and DJ who specializes in making music for very small groups of people – preferably just one person – that is so perfect for them that they are transformed by hearing it.

https://pluralistic.net/2023/05/30/electromancy/#the-grace

VI. The World Wasn't Ready For You by Justin Key

These are horror stories, though some of them are science fiction too, and more to the point, they're Black horror stories. In his afterword, Key writes about his early fascination with horror, the catharsis he felt in watching nightmares unspool on screen or off the page. And then, he writes, came the dawning recognition that the Black characters in these stories were always there as cannon-fodder, often nameless, usually picked off early. "Black horror" isn't merely parables about racism. In the deft hands of these writers – and now, Key – the stories are horror in which Blackness is a fact, sometimes a central one, and that fact is ever a complication, limiting how the characters move through space, interact with authority, and relate to one another.

https://pluralistic.net/2023/09/19/justin-c-key/#clarion-west-2015

VII. The Future by Naomi Alderman

A cracking, multi-point-of-view adventure novel about billionaires prepping for the end of the world. Three billionaires, the lords of thinly veiled analogs to Facebook, Google and Amazon, each getting ready in their own way. Stumbling into their midst comes Lai Zhen, a prepper influencer vlogger with millions of followers.

When Zhen becomes romantically entangled with Martha Einkorn, the top aide and chief-of-prepping for one of these billionaires, she finds herself in possession of an AI chatbot that is devoted to protecting a very small number of people from incipient danger. This chatbot determines that Zhen is being stalked by an assassin at a mall in Singapore, and guides her to safety.

The chatbot is a closely held secret among the tech billionaire cabal. It is designed to monitor world events and predict when The Event is imminent, be it disease, war, or other cataclysmic disaster. With the chatbot's predictive powers and its superhuman guidance, the billionaires, their families, and their closest confidantes will be able to slip away before the shit hits the fan, fly by different private jets to one or another luxury bunker, and wait out the apocalypse. Once the fires raging without have died down to embers, the chatbot's billionaire charges will emerge to assume their places as wise and all-powerful leaders of the next human civilization.

https://pluralistic.net/2023/11/07/preppers-of-the-red-death/#the-event

VIII. Liberty's Daughter by Naomi Kritzer

There's so much sf about "competent men" running their families with entrepreneurial zeal, clarity of vision and a firm confident hand. But there's precious little fiction about how much being raised by a Heinlein dad would *suuuck*. But it would, and in *Liberty's Daughter*, we get a peek inside the nightmare.

https://pluralistic.net/2023/11/21/podkaynes-dad-was-a-dick/#age-of-consent

Like I said, this has been a good year in books for me, and it included three books of my own:

I. Red Team Blues (novel, Tor Books US, Head of Zeus UK)

Martin Hench is 67 years old, single, and successful in a career stretching back to the beginnings of Silicon Valley. He lives and roams California in a very comfortable fully-furnished touring bus, The Unsalted Hash, that he bought years ago from a fading rock star. He knows his way around good food and fine drink. He likes intelligent women, and they like him back often enough. Martin is a—contain your excitement—self-employed forensic accountant, a veteran of the long guerilla war between people who want to hide money, and people who want to find it. He knows computer hardware and software alike, including the ins and outs of high-end databases and the kinds of spreadsheets that are designed to conceal rather than reveal. He’s as comfortable with social media as people a quarter his age, and he’s a world-level expert on the kind of international money-laundering and shell-company chicanery used by Fortune 500 companies, mid-divorce billionaires, and international drug gangs alike. He also knows the Valley like the back of his hand, all the secret histories of charismatic company founders and Sand Hill Road VCs. Because he was there at all the beginnings. Now he’s been roped into a job that’s more dangerous than anything he’s ever agreed to before—and it will take every ounce of his skill to get out alive.

https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781250865847/red-team-blues

II. The Internet Con: How to Seize the Means of Computation (nonfiction, Verso)

We can – we must – dismantle the tech platforms. We must to seize the means of computation by forcing Silicon Valley to do the thing it fears most: interoperate. Interoperability will tear down the walls between technologies, allowing users to leave platforms, remix their media, and reconfigure their devices without corporate permission. Interoperability is the only route to the rapid and enduring annihilation of the platforms. The Internet Con is the disassembly manual we need to take back our internet.

https://www.versobooks.com/products/3035-the-internet-con

III. The Lost Cause (novel, Tor Books US, Head of Zeus UK)

For young Americans a generation from now, climate change isn't controversial. It's just an overwhelming fact of life. And so are the great efforts to contain and mitigate it. Entire cities are being moved inland from the rising seas. Vast clean-energy projects are springing up everywhere. Disaster relief, the mitigation of floods and superstorms, has become a skill for which tens of millions of people are trained every year. The effort is global. It employs everyone who wants to work. Even when national politics oscillates back to right-wing leaders, the momentum is too great; these vast programs cannot be stopped in their tracks.

But there are still those Americans, mostly elderly, who cling to their red baseball caps, their grievances, their huge vehicles, their anger. To their "alternative" news sources that reassure them that their resentment is right and pure and that "climate change" is just a giant scam. And they're your grandfather, your uncle, your great-aunt. And they're not going anywhere. And they’re armed to the teeth. The Lost Cause asks: What do we do about people who cling to the belief that their own children are the enemy? When, in fact, they're often the elders that we love?

https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781250865939/the-lost-cause

I wrote nine books during lockdown, and there's plenty more to come. The next one is The Bezzle, a followup to Red Team Blues, which comes out in February:

https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781250865878/thebezzle

While you're waiting for that one, I hope the reviews above will help you connect with some excellent books. If you want more of my reviews, here's my annual roundup from 2022:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/12/01/bookishness/#2022-in-review

Here's my book reviews from 2021:

https://pluralistic.net/2021/12/08/required-ish-reading/#bibliography

And here's my book reviews from 2020:

https://pluralistic.net/2020/12/08/required-reading/#recommended-reading

It's EFF's Power Up Your Donation Week: this week, donations to the Electronic Frontier Foundation are matched 1:1, meaning your money goes twice as far. I've worked with EFF for 22 years now and I have always been - and remain - a major donor, because I've seen firsthand how effective, responsible and brilliant this organization is. Please join me in helping EFF continue its work!

If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/12/01/bookmaker/#2023-in-review

#pluralistic #books #reviews #science fiction #gift guide #graphic novels #2023 in review #novels

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cryptotheism · 1 year

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Just heard about the concept of the "chapel perilous" (heard about it from the behind the bastards podcast btw) and I'm not sure I understand it but I'm guessing you probably do. Could I get an explanation if you've got the time, or some idea of where to look for more info? I offer the expression on my dog's face this morning when he found a tennis ball in a pile of leaves.

It's the psychological state where things are happening, but you don't know what's causing them, mundane or supernatural. I'd reccomend the book on Robert Anton Wilson if you wanna know more.

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nanomooselet · 5 months

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Episode Seven: Wolfwood

It's a lovely evening in No Man's Land, and you are a horrible cultist.

The more I think about the idea that Legato wasn't ordered to do this, the more sense it makes to me. Let's do a count of assets this craziness puts into peril. We have the Punisher, highly chemically compatible and on an assignment already, who really doesn't need to be under more stress. We have the Doublefang, who's even better than the Punisher since he heals without the drugs, and through him Wolfwood learns that the Eye of Michael can't be trusted to keep its word.

We have the Plant aboard the steamer, as Zazie points out, and I'm not sure Legato is as concerned about it as he claims to be. We have the steamer itself, a relic of the spacefaring age with plenty of still-functional technology on board even if the humans can't do much with it. (And isn't that interesting? They seem to have just stuck a steam engine in there and closed off the rest. Cool worldbuilding details.) It travels to and from July - I suspect it carries at least some cargo and personnel for the cult. Speaking of, we have Hopeland Orphanage and its stock of potential subjects, which we know for a fact the Eye has its stamp on.

Finally we have Vash, who's one of the cult's figures of worship. He's the only living thing that Legato's "beautiful angel" truly cares about. Even if Legato's plan is a success, is achieving Wolfwood's perfect loyalty worth losing any one of the rest, let alone Vash? I really have to wonder how Legato planned to explain any of this.

Of course, he does explain, doesn't he? You must give up on your little brother and face reality. I must take everything you love from you so that you can fulfil your noble purpose as a weapon. What we're seeing is Legato's first demonstration of his character to come, building sadistic traps to force painful choices upon his target, but also a glimpse of what awaits Vash at the end of his journey. Where could Legato have learned his definition of love? And let's not forget that he refers to his feelings as love in the first place.

He's such a drama queen. Can't wait to see him ruining everything next season.

So much in this two-parter is amazing, but I think a somewhat underrated moment is Vash preventing Wolfwood from killing Livio with that insane trick shot. My boy frees Wolfwood from a horrific mental trap because no one should have to choose between the things that they love, the things that keep them alive. Best of boys. Precious darling. He wants so, so badly for there to be a way out for him.

I'm hesitant to discuss Livio that much, because we, uh, really don't learn that much about him? We see the sad little boy in Nick's memories - which I have reason to suspect are not entirely the objective truth - and we have the stumbling puppet who boards the steamer. He isn't in a position to make his thoughts known, except once, and, well… it’s a decisive demonstration. But one that precludes any further participation. I have read the manga, yes, and I know what he's like there, but my feeling is that's more what he'll become than what he is now. There seems to be one fairly significant change, however: Razlo, and Livio's attitude toward him.

Razlo's there. I'm sure he's there. But is he always there in the same way? Is Livio so out of it because he's under the mask's control, or is it Razlo the mask keeps supressed? And when it becomes damaged, why does what Livio see in the mirror so horrify him? Does Livio even know who else is in his mind?

(We get our first glimpse of Chapel, too.)

(Somehow I feel like I'm not going to be a fan of this guy.)

They didn't save Livio, but he got to make a choice. Even if it was a choice they wish he hadn't made.

Speaking of choices!

Meryl and Roberto continue to be the show's main source of comedy - the dub work for the Bad Lads Gang is so funny. Poor Meryl's teary little face when they bring up the Worms. Them being all excited about getting on the cover of an outlaw magazine, whatever that is. Roberto just being all welp, this might as well happen when he learns the faltering steamer has a space age cannon stuck to the top and that still works.

Not enough booze in the world.

And then Meryl makes a choice. Roberto's right, on some level - they're not soldiers. They're not fighters. By any sane standard this is not their fucking job. But there is no one else who can do it. Regardless of ability, there's simply no one else who's been given the choice between standing there, taking the risk, or fleeing with the knowledge you could have done something and didn't. So Meryl makes her stand... and I realised that Roberto does too, because he faces the same choice. They all do! There's something they all want to protect more than anything else. Such different people with such vastly different skills and life experiences all have something in common, and they work together to realise their purpose. It's the second time in the series this has happened and disaster's been averted with their efforts. I just!

Of course then things get even crazier and we move into what might be among my favourite action sequences in the entire series? It's admittedly hard to narrow it down. This has been extensively dissected elsewhere, but it really might have the most beautiful cinematography (especially in the Plant room - ethereal, and then the hard cut comparison to the steel and scorching flesh of Wolfwood's efforts and I'm reduced to helpless arm-waving). But I think there's one detail I want to emphasise?

Cool watery blue and burning fiery orange-red, yes. Gorgeous contrast. But both also have just a dash of the opposing colours. The two aren't so far apart, each holding part of the other - fundamentally connected, in spite of all the ways they're different.

#trigun stampede #tristampparty #trigun meta #meta: tristampparty episodes #i know i seem quiet about vash and it's because whenever i think about him my brain turns to mush #best boy. perfect boy. why must he suffer #i will give him every donut #there are a lot of reasons i'm angry with knives #but we do sort of agree that vash needs to take better care of himself #knives's methods are just. EXTREMELY COUNTERPRODUCTIVE

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wannab-urs · 5 months

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Pedro Pascal Character Fanfiction Recs | Vol 31

AO3 | Kofi | Main Masterlist | The Spreadsheet Masterlist

Howdy folks!

New blog theme, new TSD format. Do we like it? Welcome to volume 31 of The Spreadsheet Digest, my weekly(ish) fic rec post. From now on I'll link my personal stuff plus the masterlist where you can find the actual spreadsheet, my fic rec masterlist, and info about how to appear on this list in the future.

All info provided by the author unless it was blank, in which case I filled it in.

Fic Recs Below!

Freeze-thaw

Joel one shot by @covetyou

Summary: With your holiday plans ruined when a freak snow storm blows through town, you spend the fesitve period holed up with your partner, Joel Miller, learning exactly how warm you can keep each other in the snow.

Tags: no outbreak, fluff, smut, fingering, playing in the snow, temperature play, Joel probs has super bad circulation, established relationship but it's their first Christmas together and reader has some relationship insecurities

This Barbie Likes Objectification

Joel one shot by @walkintotheriveranddisappear

Summary: after a fun date seeing Barbie with joel, he realizes a certain scene involving brainwashed barbie dolls has inspired some nasty desires in you. he's more than willing to help you explore them.

Tags: explicit sexual content (18+), no specified ages (but obviously both adults), objectification, degradation, humiliation kink, dirty talk, creampie, unprotected sex, dom!joel, sub!reader, slight spoiler for the Barbie movie

Patience

Javi P one shot by @foli-vora

Summary: Javier teaches you to be patient

Tags: smut: fingering, oral sex (f receiving), praise kink, p in v sex, unprotected sex (wrap that willy before getting silly), creampie, restraints/use of handcuffs, orgasm denial, smoking, swearing

Stay Close to Me

Jack one shot by @alwaysbethewest

Summary: You're a rookie agent sent to work undercover with Jack as a married couple!

Tags: Fake/undercover marriage! Statesman casefic! A little romance, kissing, coarse language, very mild peril and hurt/comfort, and a splash of alcohol. Reader is a junior agent and has some muscle but otherwise no physical/age descriptions. As with any good Kingsman fic, my first step was to disregard half of canon, so this is either pre-movie or an AU.

No Me Suletes

Frankie one shot by @fhatbhabie

Summary: Even though he's bad for you, you still can't let him go.

Tags: Marcus Pike cameo, smut, unprotected p in v, talks of oral, angst angst angst!!, being left at a chapel, cheating, death of a spouse, drug use (buggar sugar) , smoking cigarettes, asshole!Frankie, spanish dialect w/ translations, no use of Y/N, cute pet names, splash of fluff for 2 seconds, someone having a stroke with a small description, no happy ending

Poolside

Javi G one shot by @joelscruff

Summary: just some fun by the pool with sugar daddy!javi

Tags: blowjobs, deepthroating, brief ball worship, daddy kink, unprotected p in v sex, creampie, bad google translate spanish, sweat

"Din"scord Kitten

Din one shot by @beskarandblasters

Summary: When bounty hunting doesn’t work out anymore Din has to turn to alternative methods to support himself.

Tags: this is a crack fic lmao, Discord/Venmo/Dr. Pepper existing in Star Wars, bad sexting, dick pics, masturbating, bad Star Wars puns, sex work, cummies needs its own warning 😭, pet names (cyar’ika), oral sex (M receiving), cum eating, no use of y/n

Another Time, Baby

Joel one shot by @swiftispunk

Summary: joel makes good on a promise.

Tags: established relationship, porn no plot, smut, age gap (28/50), unprotected anal sex, vaginal fingering, use of a butt plug, joel miller eats ass and pussy and also has a big dick, some affectionate spanking, creampie, cum play (eating and sharing), a little bit of spit, just a lot of bodily fluids all around, one (1) poetic description of a queef, joel miller's filthy mouth, pet names, ysd!joel at his most soft dom, joel's also kind of feral in this, multiple orgasms, sweet sweet aftercare, pov swap. no use of y/n.

Suburbia (I gave it a lil name, sorry).

Lucien drabble by @julesonrecord

Summary: You can't stay away from him, nor do you really try

Tags: Explicit; angst; oral (m receiving); implied infidelity; past relationship. Suburbia (shudder).

Misunderstood

Marcus P one shot by @magpiepills

Summary: Marcus has a bad day at work and needs you to help him feel better.

Tags: SMUT, established relationship, PIV, oral (f and m receiving) fingering, big dick Marcus, multiple orgasms, thumb sucking, cum eating, cum swapping, Marcus eats it from behind, dirty talk, roughish sex, some degradation, tiny little splash of daddy, porn with no plot, no regard for canon, use of a tie as a leash sort of?, alcohol consumption, pancakes, cardigans, NPR, idk what else man, this is not fluffy Marcus.

Wrest Pin

Din series by BalletOrchard (AO3)

Summary: “I can help you escape the planet,” Mando said sharply, “But I want information in return.” She looked up at him through the small hairs on her face and she whispered, sounding almost lost…As if she didn’t know what else to say… “I have no information.” Something Mando did not believe.

Tags: panic attacks, force sensitive!reader, unprotected PinV sex, smut, mando is a dick, angst, slow burn (romantically), touch starved!din, bickering, arguing, post season 1, fluff, ofc!evangeline, she like doesn’t get off the first time they fuck which i feel like is worth noting, feelings of regret, minor character death (evangeline’s whole fam), follows canon, mando lowkey keeping evangeline against her will but like she’s hiding from the empire so, near death experience(s), the helmet comes off, oral f receiving, blindfolding, shower sex

A Weight Off Your Shoulders

Joel series by @gasolinerainbowpuddles

Summary: a series of oneshots in chronological order that follow the story of Joel and his new neighbor who returns to Texas following a devastating breakup and called off engagement. With her life completely uprooted and her self-confidence shot, she works through moving on to bigger and better things. Enter DILF neighbor Joel Miller.

Tags: age gap (Joel mid 40s, neighbor late 20s), cheating, negative body image, negative self-talk, discussions of body image struggles

The Peg That Middle Aged Man Campaign 2024 Masterlist

Call for Pegging Fics!

PMAMC on AO3

Trussed Up - I pegged Jack Daniels

Happy Reading!

#fic recs #the spreadsheet digest #fanfiction recommendations #pedro pascal #pedro pascal character fanfiction #ppcu fanfiction #pedro pascal fanfiction

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imagine-that-one-thing · 1 month

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The manuscript || Chapter One

This manuscript, previously known as Her Majesty, now titled The Glass Veil, represents countless hours of revision and transformation. Scenes and characters, along with their entwined plots, have been reshaped and refined. It's my hope that you, as a reader, derive as much joy from experiencing this story as I have found in crafting it.

In the opulent yet perilous corridors of the royal palace, a story of love, deceit, and power unfolds with Anastasia at its heart. Once a commoner, her sudden and secretive betrothal to Harry promised a fairy tale ending. But behind the gilded doors lies a web of intrigue. Her Father and Parliment, cunning and ambitious nobles, expose Anastasia's sanity as a strategic deception aimed at barring her ascent to power. As her coronation approaches, Anastasia finds herself ensnared in a political chess game with the throne and her life at stake. Each player is ruthless, each move more dangerous than the last. With her legitimacy questioned and enemies closing in, Anastasia must navigate the treacherous waters of royalty to prove her worth not just as a monarch but as a leader worthy of her people's loyalty. In this gripping tale of betrayal and survival, the line between ally and adversary blurs, and the crown's weight tests the bounds of love and loyalty. Will Anastasia rise to reign as queen, or will the machinations of those around her lead to her undoing?

Word count: 3,230

Master Link || Chat with me

•••

Two-hundred and nineteen thousand— That's how many hours it has taken to get to the inevitable dreaded moment— a moment of despair.

During my childhood, I spent countless hours exploring the vast gardens and hidden rooms of the magnificent manor. It was a world of endless wonder and excitement, for a kid, where every corner held a new adventure. The privilege of having the latest fashionable clothing and receiving a top-notch education added to the enchantment of my upbringing. An enchantment presumed by those looking in, an enchantment viewed to me as a disservice. By the age of five, I was already considered bilingual, a testament to the extraordinary opportunities that surrounded me. Growing up among influential individuals, including parliament members and future leaders, painted my world with shades of prestige and influence. As the seasons changed, so did our abode, and one of my fondest memories was residing in Hillsborough Castle, nestled in the picturesque County Down. The sprawling 100-acre gardens became my playground, where I would lose myself in nature's embrace. Even though my security team might have groaned at my endless playfulness, those moments of freedom and exploration shaped the essence of my childhood.

Picture this: a glorious manor with gardens that stretch as far as the eye can see. Every nook and cranny of those rooms held secrets waiting to be discovered. The secrets that those rooms hold are rarely spoken of, nor have they been fully disclosed. There are hidden nooks and crannies, stumbling upon forgotten artefacts and family secrets. Some rooms have secret passageways, concealed behind bookshelves or ornate tapestries. Others hold hidden compartments, revealing long-lost letters and intriguing history. The Palace is like stepping into a world of intrigue and adventure, where every corner whispers stories of the past, both good and bad. Secrets that slowly reveal themselves in the worst of lights.

Then there's Windsor Castle, established on an immense hill next to the River Thames, 20 miles west of London. My time spent at Windsor is normally during Easter, during Royal Ascot and the Order of the Garter in June, and during Christmas, depending on my parents ' schedules. Windsor is old, Windsor Castle is the oldest and largest inhabited castle in the world, to be quite frank, it creeps me out. There are over 10 royal monarchs buried in St. George's Chapel, which is located in the Lower Ward of the castle and it bothers me every time I have to stay there. There are dungeons at Windsor Castle that were used as bomb shelters during WWII. It's hard to believe there was a time when the empires were under attack and Windsor stood tall with its war chambers. Chambers that were also used for torture.

Everything is mapped out on the palace grounds, everything besides the war chambers. Not many people are aware of the chambers, only the King, Queen and security personnel know where they are. I know by default, a story I will not dive into right now.

The role of the chambers in facilitating torture has been neglected for centuries and overlooked by many. Torture was used to extract confessions from those accused of crimes years ago, they were also used as hostages to barter amongst other nobles. Torture was more highly organised and more widespread during the Spanish Inquisition times. Torture is what we are going through but in a more modern era.

Prisoners could be tied to chairs and cut or pierced with implements, they could be stretched on a rack or submerged in water, and some methods even included exposing a victim to the elements or making use of rats.

Despite the endless travel, the odd childhood perspectives, and the random knowledge of the castles I have collected over the years, things have been relatively tranquil and extraordinary-ish.

Up until now...

I am surrounded by members of royalty, including dukes, princes, princesses, duchesses, and baronesses. They have all gathered here at my mother and father's request, particularly my mother who enjoys hosting informal meetings in the palace. While many people find joy in hosting events, I am not one of them. I have been involved in hosting events since I was a child. I remember sneaking away from the maids and staff to peer over the stairs and admire everyone's beautiful attire. I used to dream of the day when I could be the centre of attention. However, now that I am in that position, I long for simpler times when I could run freely in the gardens without worrying about what hat was appropriate for each occasion. I know what is about to happen, I may be naive, but I know all too well how this is about to go. "Kensington Palace can now publicly announce additional details about the forthcoming tour of Belgium this spring. We now know that the tour will begin in April. The visit to Belgium will allow us to continue a relationship between two Royal Families by meeting The King and Queen. This tour, coming shortly will also allow, Princess Anastasia Annette, Duchess of Edinburgh, to begin her royal duties as soon to be, her Royal Highness, Queen of England."

And there it is, the epitome of a surprise welcoming to my reign.

I stare at my Father as he announces the plans for the next few weeks, plans that are about to change my life. By my father, the King of England, expressing his not directly worded and unknown, abdication means that I will be reining sooner than I had thought, sooner than I had wanted. I thought I had years to go. Most Kings rule until their deathbed. I stand statue-like, unaware of how it is deemed okay to announce the news without telling me first. It isn't even direct, I have to read between the lines to see what he is doing. I am sure they had to go through the Kensington Palace publicist to do this.

Then again, the King outranks everyone and can deem anything acceptable.

I hadn't intended to begin my royal duties so soon. I don't want the duties of Queen at all. I don't want to be Queen, I thought I made that relatively clear. My Father was misguided by my responses and unwilling nature to detour this moment with every moment possible.

Everyone has this impression that having a royal title is a blessing and an achievement everybody who isn't born into it desires. Every girl dreams of becoming a princess and wearing the tiara. Still, royalty isn't about carrying a crown and parading around in lovely gowns that cost more than the average apparel. Being born into royalty and not having a typically normal life, in my opinion, is more of a curse than a blessing.

As someone with a title, I've had to mature faster than most. My tea parties were not like those of other children; mine included teddy bears and a security guard keeping a close eye on me. I'm held to higher standards and there are days when I wish those expectations would lessen. I don't want to follow royal protocol for every occasion or ensure that my hair is perfectly brushed for the Queen's Sunday morning breakfast. I don't want to constantly be shadowed by a security team or use secret tunnels to move around the palace unnoticed. I never asked for my title, and while it comes with power, I don't want to be defined by it. Unfortunately, I have no choice but to represent the family name within the monarchy.

It would have been more considerate to inform me in another manner, but the king and queen felt this was appropriate. Sometimes, they forget that their roles as monarchs should not interfere with their duties as parents.

After my father's speech, the guests mingle and discuss various topics. I often overhear interesting conversations, but amidst the glamour and formality, it can be difficult to find genuine connections.

I smile graciously as my father and Uncle come towards me. For a moment, I think about travelling in the opposite direction, but I know I can't, it would be too informal and cause too much of a scene.

God forbid the princess ever makes a scene.

"Anastasia," my father grins, giving me his signalled glare that is a good indication that he wants me to stay and not run off like my thoughts want me to.

"Father," I respond courteously, my eyes side-eyeing towards my security guard who is observing intently as he stands with his back to the wall, his hands folded in front of him as he stands tall with nystagmic eyes. I swear his eyes never miss a beat.

"Princess Anastasia, it's an honour to see you again," Syrus smiles sarcastically.

Syrus isn't the typical Uncle who chased me around the fields and played hide and seek— Well, he did— But it was not accompanied by a doting uncle full of love for his niece. It was more hatred and disgust. His hide and seek included leaving me hidden in a storage room for an hour.

I hold back the heavy sigh that's desiring to escape my lips and I force myself to proffer him a genuine smile, "It's nice to see you." I lie through my teeth to save myself from having to listen to my father express his disappointment in me.

"I hear you're becoming Queen soon." He mutters bitterly.

"She is, and every Queen needs a King by her side." My Father presses.

"Actually—" I begin, but I stop when I see my father's eyes narrow to crinkled stilts and his lips purse into a fine line. I am forced to bite my tongue on my true thoughts, "Actually, every good Queen needs a well-fitted crown," I half-heartedly joke, attempting to recover from the fact I want to tell him a Queen doesn't require a King, it's merely just suggested a Queen has a King.

My Uncle chuckles, "I'm sure they'll see fit to your crowning needs." ... "I think you are doing fine to stay single."

"Mhm," I hum, unsure of what more to say.

I swallow hard the moment my father and Uncle walk away and I finally have a minute to breathe and process the things that have occurred.

I make my way around the crowd of individuals and wander out of the ballroom area, I must escape. If I flea now, I could probably leave the Palace before I am stopped. "Princess," I hear my name being called but I don't want to turn around and face the music. Damnit, he is always on my fucking heels. "Princess," the voice again summons and I can't help but disregard him.

"Princess Anastasia, stop right there," the tone of voice my bodyguard uses causes me to stop, and it's not out of fear or because of the fact he only has to say one word before the whole palace is in lockdown and I can't move. It's because I know that tone of voice anywhere, it's sincere and it's laced with nothing but concern.

I turn around on my heel as my bodyguard shifts his eyes around, "Where are you going?" He knows exactly where I am going— anywhere but here.

I lift my shoulders into a shrug. I don't have a destination— it is more so me hammering my heels against the marble flooring until I find some common ground where I can ultimately breathe again. "You know you can't roam the palace right now."

I don't think he understands I do not care about protocol and the boundaries inflicted upon me.

"Yes," I sigh, "I know the rules and the protocol and the safety precautions," I murmur with a heavy breath. Fuck the precautions. Fuck this monarchy.

His eyes relax, and he glimpses around to make sure we are alone before he clears his throat, "What's wrong?"

I inhale a deep breath and blow out slowly, "I can't talk about it here," I respond in a whisper, my eyes already beginning to gloss over as the rippling thoughts of everything hitting me all at once.

He nods and examines the area around us, "Come with me," he instructs, tenderly urging his hand to the small of my back before escorting me away.

We stay reserved as we walk a few halls and pass several doors to various quarters while he keeps his integrity and stays alert.

We stop at the all-so-familiar place of the balcony, and he opens the doors and enables me to step out before he is right behind me and closes the doors. "We aren't allowed here."

"Never stopped us before," he responds, "Everyone is down in the West Wing. This is the East, and there's a guard right below us. I'm trained, you know?"

I nod and chuckle, I am aware he is trained for a reason, the man is trained in the use of firearms and unarmed combat, advanced driving and emergency first aid as well as close protection basics; I have all faith in him. I shouldn't, but I do.

There's a reason he's my bodyguard, he's intelligent, he has swift reflexes and he knows every position of every security member in every residence of ours. Let's not forget I have seen him practising with the 9mm Glock 17 pistols— the man is more accurate than my father— and my father has quite the shot.

I take a moment to lean against the balcony railing, my gaze fixed on the gardens below. The moonlight dances on the petals of the flowers, casting a dreamlike shimmer. The tranquillity of the night envelops me for the first time, and I can't help but feel a sense of awe at the beauty that surrounds me. It's a scene that feels straight out of a fairy tale—- a fairytale that I don't want to be in.

"Congratulations on becoming Queen so soon." He is sarcastic and raises a brow, "Didn't know that was going to come up, did you? Thought I'd be told."

I shake my head, "No, I didn't. Thank you for your concern, I don't need your judgment, too."

There's too much involved with it. I don't think I can physically do this. It's easy for someone to say they want to be a Princess or a Queen because it's made out to be a glamorous lifestyle but it comes with harbouring a lot of stress and responsibilities.

I can't expect anyone to understand what's surging through my thoughts at the concept of reining a country. But I can expect him to be a little bit more understanding. We all knew the inevitable was coming,

"Anastasia, I will never fully understand this world, but—"

I cut Harry off, promptly, "There are no buts, Harry!" I raise my voice. "What do you think comes after he hands me the damn crown? A Queen who reigns alone? No. They don't want me to rule, they want to roll the stone and push me into silence."

Britain has had several monarchs through the centuries, though far more Kings than Queesn have ruled. There have been eight reigning Queens.

How many of them ruled without a King?

One. Elizabeth I, Queen of England and Ireland.

Harry grows withdrawn for a moment, his eyes fading to grey as he comes to realise just what I'm trying to tell him. Me becoming Queen abolishes mine and his relationship.

He's not royalty.

The monarch and the people wouldn't regard him as fit to be King, they don't regard me as fit to be Queen.

"Well, do you want me to propose now or later?" Harry questions in a joking way. His humour perhaps being the only thing to come to mind with this matter.

I roll my eyes, "You are not ready for that torture."

"You sure? I might have a torture kink," he responds cheekily and I shake my head.

It is over now. It was fun while it lasted.

"I guess this is where it ends," I heavily sigh, looking over at him with regret.

Regret is one hell of a hard pill to swallow. It sinks itself in the bottom of my heart, occasionally twisting like a knife, a grave reminder that wearing my heart on my sleeve and putting emotion over logic is tragic. I shouldn't have started this. I should have been wiser, and more diligent with my emotions and how I decided to spread them between us. I should have had more sense than drag him into something he cannot be accepted into.

Harry's hand falls to the small of my back, "Do I get a say in any of this?"

"No," I respond, holding back a small smile.

He chuckles, "You've lost your damn mind if you think I don't," he whispers in my ear quietly.

Before I can respond, his hand moves swiftly from its position on my back, and I feel his body shift. I glance over my shoulder to see my mother standing in the doorway, a martini glass in her hand. "Did I interrupt?" she mischievously smiles, gliding the olive off her toothpick with her teeth before indulging in the flavour of it. A stout vodka martini with an olive— her signature drink.

"Always," I respond with a smile. This woman is always lurking in the shadows, she sees everything and she knows everything— I am not fully convinced that she isn't aware of the fling between me and the security personnel.

She raises a brow before looking Harry up and down, "You're with me," she points towards him, "I don't like who's on my service. He keeps taking my drinks," she informs us.

"What makes you think I won't?" Harry questions.

"You're higher up in command, you're handsome— not stupid," my mother responds. "Chop-chop, I have a bartender waiting, and a crowd of people I need to pretend to like."

My mother is a quiet Queen consort. She is loved by everyone in the public, and she attends almost all events, but she chooses to stay quiet. She's the one who is usually sipping on gin or vodka in the corner, watching and observing. A lot of the time, dignitaries and higher-ranking officials choose to gravitate towards my father and me— they leave her alone— much to her liking, at least that is how it seems.

Why she remains so silent, I cannot say. She is a brilliant woman, one whose potential is vast enough to command a reign so formidable she would be feared across lands. Yet her quietude suggests a subtler strategy, a silence imposed not by her own choosing but by the machinations of those who fear her ascent to power.

"Come on, Princess, it's time to go back," Harry opens the door for me with a warming smile painting across his lips. He's cheerier than I am. "I'll burn this monarchy to the ground before I let it destroy us," he whispers just for us to hear. While he gets to watch my mother sip vodka and slither towards the back of the crowds undetectable by most, I get thrown into the lion's den, head first.

Will he really burn it down for me? I hope so. I would like to see it burn and end it all.

♔♔♔

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