#Unintended doomed relationship

[wistfulwatcher]

ok not only was this just a bad narrative choice for the show in general and natalie's character, this was also such a WEAK narrative choice for misty, too.

christina has talked about how something happens at the end of the season that "changes" misty. but the thing is, this has happened before. to her. same circumstances. this is the opposite of something that should change her, because it's exactly what happened with crystal!

both times misty found a friend when she was desperately alone, she clung to that friend and put everything into the relationship. and then, due to the intensity of her relationship—sharing everything with crystal, wanting to protect natalie—she caused the death of the person she loved.

there is nothing i love more than parallels, but for a parallel to be narratively meaningful, there needs to be a purpose to it. you need to use it to highlight differences, or show a progression. there is no progression for misty here. this is just history repeating itself. if misty didn't change after crystal died, and nothing has changed between then and now for misty, then WHY does this change her? she just needed it to happen twice??

killing natalie was a disgusting choice, and if we're supposed to believe that it was necessary for misty's character growth, with absolutely no narrative justification for it to be, then—beyond it just being awful—it is an entirely lower level of bad storytelling.

i am all for a story where these women continue to (figuratively) cannibalize each other as adults; i signed up for a dark show about women making bad choices. but 1) this wasn't a choice. this was, once again, an accident. i signed up for a show about women with agency, and making everything around them an accident or an unintended consequence is absolutely spitting in the face of that (presumably to make them more ~sympathetic, and i hate it).

and 2) there are other ways for them to hurt each other without death being a factor. this show is supposed to be about struggling with trauma, and you can't struggle with trauma when you're dead. the far more interesting story is one where the past is well and truly saturated with conflict—with characters you know are doomed and you still learn to love, and with characters you know survive and you have to continually struggle to forgive and understand.

i had so, so much love for season one because that's what i thought we were getting. i thought we were getting a bittersweet love story about the complexity of women, the complexity of trauma, the complexity of survival.

instead, this is becoming yet another show where things happen to women. where, to make them sympathetic—as more palatable to mainstream (cough male cough) audiences—they need to write women as victims of circumstance, as victims of their pasts, as victims of their own actions.

this is becoming a show where women who make bad choices are not allowed to stand behind them. who must be out of control (shauna, lottie, tai), or must be punished for the unintended consequences (misty), or must die (nat, van potentially).

and now, with natalie the antler queen in the past, and a character we no longer have in the present, i wonder how long it will be until she becomes the scapegoat for the surviving characters. how long until the worst actions in the wilderness are put upon natalie's shoulders, to lighten the load from the surviving women. how long until the only characters allowed to have agency, allowed to be complex and make disagreeable choices that they intend to make, are ones who die.

how long until our beautiful, complex, surviving characters are washed down to nothing, to shells of themselves in the name of making them more sympathetic. more palatable. how long until this is just another shallow mystery, without the beating heart of the first season.

[agoddamn]

IMO...

The MadaTobi vibe is "destiny took a hard left." Madara and Tobirama are not the fated pair set up by the story and an eon of reincarnation. Hashirama is the one who's Madara's equal in battle, he's Madara's meaningful friend, Madara is his man of destiny. Hashirama and Madara are mutually obsessed. Their relationship is set up as a Huge Thing.

So MadaTobi is at its best leaning into that narrative asymmetry, I think. The curious contradictions. The feeling of "this wasn't meant to happen." They were clearly never meant to really interact in a narrative sense, so you wonder--what if they did get to talk?

They've got those interesting little bits where they espouse ideas that are similar, they have a massive unresolved beef, they have a strange binary star kind of orbit where they're linked in each other's gravity well without an immediate connection. Plenty to build on there. You can even get cute with some (likely unintended) thematic parallels like fire/water, red/blue, black/white.

TobiIzu is more out-of-the-box prepped for you by the narrative (last younger brothers, both left behind by big bro, close in strength, doomed to end in violence), but I think it's actually harder to nail down. Maybe because we have so little canon info on Izuna? And while Madara and Tobirama got to hiss and spit at each other on-page like bitter divorcees Izuna and Tobirama only interact in battle. They can easily fall into a pair-the-spares sitch; you're pairing up Hashirama and Madara so you may as well pair off the other brothers while you're at it.

But Tobirama and Izuna...they're parallels, but they're tainted parallels. Everything that makes the Hashirama-Madara relationship fairytale makes the Tobirama-Izuna relationship tragic. The destiny narrative dooms them to be tools of the story--dooms Tobirama to be Hashirama's bloodied right hand and Izuna to be Madara's tragic backstory.

Because of that I feel like the relationship only truly works when Hashirama and Madara aren't together. Narratively, Tobirama and Izuna need to be in a story where they're finally the important ones. Their relationship working is inextricably tied with the idea of them making selfish choices over their brothers, I think--both are improbable and need to be carefully set up.

They are otherwise bound to live--narratively and literally--in service of their brothers. The traditional supporting character relationship is more like codependency when looked at with a more realistic lens, and Tobirama and Izuna are prime examples of that. They need to be hewn away from their fraternal supports in order to develop something new. They cannot be retreading the ground of Hashirama and Madara.

(Personally I think some tbiz goes too far in the fanon 'poor little meow meow Tobirama' direction...although, I have to admit that in a world where Izuna somehow fell in love with Tobirama, I think that his perspective on Tobirama would definitely be "my poor little meow meow" lmao that sort of disproportionate "everyone is bullying MY poor woobie" kinda possessive protectiveness)

Without a Softness Showing is my gold standard for Tobirama and Izuna interaction. Blew my tits clean off and it's not even romantic.

(This post brought to you by a lengthy mental ramble of mine where I bemoaned the lack of porn where twink Izuna mating presses 6-ft Tobirama and lamented that I don't have the chops to pull it off myself.)

(Anyway, someone ought to write that.)

[ladyluscinia]

Why do some people say Izzy is homophobic? Flippant jokes I get, but there are people claiming this seriously. Yes, he's often very mean towards characters who just so happen to be homosexuals... But what in the world would make anyone conclude he's not a perfectly equal-opportunity mean person?!? Same with the racism accusations. Probably preaching to the choir here... And I personally don't even like Izzy (as a person; as a character he's brilliant), but it still gets annoying.

I mean... if the question is whether or not Izzy Hands can plausibly be interpreted as homophobic, then I think the answer is unambiguously yes.

I don't think it was avoidable with the story they are trying to tell. Homophobia is pretty deeply entangled with expressions of masculinity and how people see gay relationships. Izzy's literal purpose as an antagonist is to be so against the BlackBonnet relationship that he was willing to try and get Stede killed over it. And thematically, to do anything interesting with stuff like embracing self-expression or arguing that open honesty and vulnerability are good for people, someone has to fill the role of objector. In a televised medium especially - where you aren't sitting in Izzy's POV and you definitely can't read his mind - there is going to be a level of interpretation to his motivations and what, exactly, he's finding objectionable, and some people will come to the conclusion that he's a homophobe. 🤷‍♀️

It's a side effect of trying to say something not completely shallow in your writing - you will run up against grey areas and you can't make the audience unanimously stay in the intended track. Multiple plausible interpretations will exist. A character who objects to other masculine characters expressing emotional vulnerability will plausibly be read as homophobic.

It's our job as we watch the show to look at all the plausible interpretations and decide which is the strongest, just like it's the writers' job to make sure their intended interpretation is the one the most audience members settle on. Complete consensus is impossible, so I'm not, like, surprised that some people are sticking to their guns on that one, but I'm still pretty confident Izzy being homophobic will end up the weaker interpretation.

I actually think Izzy being more or less doomed to being plausibly homophobic is what makes the writing for him so good. Because a much easier option, or a weaker writing team, would have gone in on it. Yet another story about homophobes making gays' lives unhappy, only this time the twist is we make the homophobes a punchline. It's way harder and more interesting to pull off an antagonist that hates a gay relationship but is only plausibly homophobic, and there's a perfectly valid and even encouraged read of the show where he's not. That's actually cool (and why I'll be pretty disappointed if it turns out he is just Mr. Internalized Homophobia).

🤔 My more controversial opinion, though, is probably that I think once you get to a certain level of theorizing unconscious / unintended homophobia in fiction then it functionally doesn't exist. That's pretty much what I'm trying to say here. In real life there is some value to recognizing that everyone has some unconscious biases they're probably acting on without realizing, but in a story... if the character / their actions won't be acknowledged or treated as homophobic, or they won't make the leap to homophobia at any point in unpacking or addressing their flaws, and you aren't trying to say anything about the author's personal biases or blindspots coming through? If a tree falls in a fictional universe but nobody writes about it, does it make a sound? Did it even fall?

[searchingforserendipity25]

hmmmm ship opinions..... how about finrod/beor

ohh they're canon. absolutely. thank you! @welcomingdisaster! they make me ill in a fun way.

i'm actually a lil bit convinced tolkien wrote it on purpose (delusional). the athrabeth becomes so much more layered through those lenses, and if it's not on purpose then i guess i can only hope to one day pull off such an unintended yet effective emotional beat.

also from the athrabeth, finrod's speech on pity makes me slightly insane. is this inescapable pity the mortal in a relationship with an elf is sure to face his own or those of the elves around beor? i have to think it is his own too, and this is one of those cases in tolkien where pity is not spoken of as life-saving or ethically redeeming, but a thing that is actively painful and harmful for both of them!

but also, pity here is a shorthand for grief, and finrod's own grief at that. pity not merely for beor's aging, but for the whole situation, and it is diminishing enough to be an outright cause to wish to rescind all the rest, because the rest is not worth it in comparison. a lot of self-pity as well in the mix! philosophically speaking, this is a lot to deconstruct just by itself.

his absolute certainty that a marriage between immortal and mortal will assuredly lead to grief even when both parties start out committed to the joy of it? he is NOT dealing well with his grief. he very much did not deal well with beor's aging, and what it meant to watch him age, especially in an elvish kingdom.

he plainly regrets their relationship! what do you even do with that. it was beor's only lifetime, and finrod believes that their relationship made it worse. what do you even do with that. what can he do, except keep his brother away from the same fate, and doom himself for the same hope?

which is interesting! i like that for him. beor died in despair holding the hand of his beloved and left him to a doom chosen out of love's best and worst aspects :) who else is doing it like them.

and by the way! i kind of want to know old beor's take on this. what was he thinking of, when he died? did he regret it too? finrod is very hopeless, and takes to the possibility of hope so strongly presumably its not something beor himself argued very convincingly for.

idk, but this at least as much about beor, too, and i'm curious about him. maybe he thought the grief he faced/caused was worth it for the uplifting of his line? maybe he thought finrod would get over it? maybe he thought it was worth it, grief and all, full-heartedly, with a very human approach to life, and finrod, who had to survive him, did not agree (not unusual in widowers). interesting!

they're lovely! i hope they meet again in the Second Song, but like. they'd have to invent new kinds of joint relationship & grief counseling, just saying. again, they're lovely: i think they can pull it off. in a very small and significant way, the possibility of a joyful connection between them is foundational to the promise of a perfect Music.

[safely-in-vhagars-belly]

Fire and Blood: Chapter 8: Drinking.

Concept: Now that Aegon is crowned king, Aemond takes you with him to Aegon to make you swear your loyalty to the new king of the seven kingdoms. Things do not go well.

Mentions of: Drugging, non-con, drinking, forced drinking, plying, smut, unintended abuse, intended abuse, fighting, treason, swearing and other dark things. Viserys being a shitty father,

Aemond drags you with him. 'Lady Beesburry is here for you.' He says and pushes you to Aegon. He is sitting in a dark room and eyes his father's city made of white buildings.

It's the evening of the coronation.

You are interested and investigate it carefully not to touch anything. 'What is that?' You wonder out loud. Then you see it. It's old Valyria. Before the doom.

'Did your father made this?' You ask Aegon. He doesnt respond. He keeps looking out that damn window. You see a book but know better than to hit him with it.

Aemond makes his presence known again. He is still waiting for orders from his brother, hands folded on his back and his back straightend. 'No, stone maesters did.'

You sneak around the city on your toes. it's one of the most special things you ever saw. Maybe you are distracting yourself too much but you dont mind. This is everything you ever hoped to achieve. Seeing old Valyria.

You look at both Aemond and Aegon. But you think Aemond has more interest in this. 'Its beautiful. Do you what this is? This is supposed to be old Valyria. Where both your ancestors are from!' You sink to your knees so you can look from a different angle and behind you someone clears his throat.

Both look at you like you've gone mad. Aegon dryly sighs.'We heard.' Is all he says. 'Dozens of times, actually. Father only cared for this stupid thing. He spended more time with it than me and Aemond. We should burn it down.' He grins but there is some sadness there. The words hurt you too.

You look at both of them in shock. 'The king...' he never cared.

'He wasnt that interested in either of our upbringing. but that's none of your business.' The king says, his voice full of warning and yes fear. You know him better than himself. He has his walls up. You know their relationship is complicated. But is he really the type of man to celebrate the death of his father?

Full of fire you get in his face. 'Yes it is. I should know that. Did you even have happy memories of him at all?' You demand.

Both men think but it is dead silent. 'Yes. Recently: He did us both a pleasure and finally died, the old fuck. So I can be king.' Aegon says ruthlessly. So unlike him. You want to cry again. What in the seven hells happend to your Aegon.

His brother nods. 'Agreed. He was too busy living in the past.' Aemond scowls. You give him a kind smile. 'Like father, like son I suppose.'

'What was that?' You ignore him. You look at the city of stone. 'If you both wanted it gone it would've been by now. It's still here. You dont want to demolish the last thing that belonged to your father.' You say sharply. The silence betrays you are right with that.

'Its so dusty. The king must not have touched it for years.' You mutter to yourself. 'The former king.' Aemond corrects you. 'Its really not that interesting. I suppose if I had your common upbringing I would gawk at everything Valyrian too. We are superior to westerosi after all.' The only thing Valyrians can do better than westerosi is cause drama and have funny hair colours and ride dragons. Without them, they would never still be alive this day.

You turn to Aemon. 'Superior? You? Is that why your city is ash and bones?' You laugh in his face.

He tilts his head his bright blue eyes twinkling with fire thanks to your challenge. 'Rather be dead than a slave.' He says and you cant really be sure what you would pick if you had to choose that awful choice.

He grabs your arm and his knife. He starts to cut lose the shoulders of your dress so the fabric protecting and shielding your breasts drops. Aegon subtly sits up straighter, scratching his chin. 'Brother, Lady Beesburry has something to say to you.' Aemond says, when pushing you on your knees in front of the king. You want to protest but you know its better to obey. For now.

You pray to the gods but mostly to your father for forgiveness. You do. 'I am sorry, my king.' You finally speak those words.

'For what?' Aegon asks like he doesnt remember. Maybe he doesnt. He has been drinking even more.

'For being an traitor.' You say carefully, remorseful and full of regret. The king doesnt even care that you are playing with your hair or pout.

He just sighs. 'Hm. Define being an traitor.' You list your crimes when coming closer. 'Walking away from aemond, trying to escape him and reacting ungrateful when receiving special attention.' You touch his left leg. 'May I sit?' You ask.

He is confused. 'In my chair?' You laugh and smile at him.'On your lap, my king. I wish to touch you, my king.' You add before softly leaning in for a kiss. He pulls away. 'Stop calling me that. I'm named Aegon damn it.' He growls.

You shoot Aemond a worried glare. This is not working, you clearly say with your eyes. He is merciless and cold. 'Well try a bit harder, ' his one eye shouts at you.

You crawl on his lap and stare longingly in his eyes when softly rubbing his crotch. His breath catches when you slowly take off your necklaces and start taking off the silk cover up from your dress. 'Aemond, care to help me with my corset? I can't get it off by myself.' You say a cruel twinkle in your eye.

Aemond swallows from his spot. 'Aegon should undress you. You are his present tonight. Let him unwrap you.'

'Aegon; do you want Aemond to undress me for you?' You ask him. Aegon is annoyed. 'Fine for all I care.' He blurs out. You start to worry. You already did but now your alarm bells scream that something is off about him.

You quickly lift his chin. The crown is still on his head and you look at it. The conquer's crown. 'Aegon,' you gently speak to him. 'I'm worried about you.' You whisper softly so Aemond doesnt hear. You clutch one of hands where the Targaryen ring is shining brightly. 'Are you alright? I mean, your father and the coronation-'

Aemond suddenly interrupts by unlacing your corset very easily. 'Its not that tight, I left a bit of a knot. I prefer undressing my presents myself.' He says, eyeing his brother. 'She should be yours to undress.'

'You know you can talk to me right? Aemond said you felt guilty. I'm glad.'

'Can you just leave? Your presence only makes thing complicated. I dont need my cock sucked and I especially dont need some bullshit talk about our feelings with some traitors daughter.'

'Don't be like that, brother. I can give her some wine to get her to shut up. If need be I can gag her.'

'No! I dont want wine!' 'No!' 'Good girl.' 'Its a nice wine. Don't be so ungrateful.'

Aegon gets a bit as well. You all drink, and soon the wine starts to warm your belly and make you more lose. You are no longer haunted by the pain of your father and take a bit more until your cup is empty. Aemond sips his cup patiently so you go to him next.

You climb on him and grab the cup from his hand before drinking it all one one big chunk. He glares at you. 'Lady Beesburry that was highly unsuited for a lady-'

You simply get up again and walk to Aegon. He hands you his cup. Voluntary. You drink that as well before searching for more wine. You need more wine to cope with this stress.

Aegon grins, presenting you a bottle. Aemond takes a bottle from the desk as well. 'Which one do you like better?' Aegon asks when popping his bottle and taking a swing. 'Hm. I can't tell what wine I like better. Let me try both.' You smile. First you kiss Aegon. His wine tastes very sweet like berries with a very heavy dose of something sour like grapes or apples. He hungrily tastes you as well, feeling your arms and shoulders touching your breast.

He is panting and clearly aroused. You ignore him. You eye the other prince that swallows uneasily when you come over, just finished with drinking his cup. 'Can I have a taste, or are you going to be a selfish little bitch?' You ask.

His good eye widens. 'What did you just call me?' His mouth is hanging open in shock.

You shrug. Aegon nearly dies of laughter. 'A little bitch! I love drunk her. Gods she is even more gorgeous this way-'

'Fine. Come here.' Aemond groans and you obey happily jumping on his lap and roughly force your tongue down his throat tasting the wine. It's much more sour. Very sour and more spicy as well. Like a attack on your tongue. Aemond deepens the kiss before touching you.

'So, what wine do you want? Mine or Aemonds?' Aegon asks.

'I want a mix," you cheekily smile.

'Not one of the options that we listed.' Aemond says ruining the fun as always. You pout. 'Please?'

Aegon smiles at you. 'Let her have some fun. It's been a hell week for her too.'

Aemond grunts before giving up his bottle of wine. 'Fine. Let's mix your drink.'

'Hooray! Thank you!' You kiss his cheek before taking off with his wine. He blushes, and mutters something about the warrior.

The wine continues flowing, and flowing and soon all three of you are a at least tipsy. You are excited as well. Aegon looks very pretty with his crown. You thought before he looked terrifying but now it suits him. You carefully make your way over there like a very drunk penguin. You knock him to the ground and start kissing him. His crown falls.

'Do you want to play, or do you want-' you roll on top when undresing him. You heavily make out with him under you and rip your clothes off. Aegon relaxes. 'What was in that wine?'he asks with a smile from his ears to his lips.

Aemond smirks. 'I added something. Its from dorne. They call it the Itcher.' He says proudly when you start to moan and take off your last pieces of clothing.

Aegon freezes like he just got a bucket of ice cold water in his face. Aegon gently grabs you and puts you aside like a baby. You giggle. 'You fucking drugged her?' There is nothing joyous about his voice. Or gentle.

You whimper. 'Aegon, no. No yelling. Play with me.'

Aemond shrugs. 'So what if I did? You are stressed and its affecting your reign. Helaena wont fuck you. This girl will.' 'We fucked her before when she wasnt exactly willing. We forced her before. She likes our control, she even told me that.' One of his cold hands touches your naked behind. You whimper when he squeezes.

Aegon nearly explodes. 'It was different. She was a traitor. What exactly did she do this time? Except cry in her room for hours alone and refusing to eat?' He asks his brother.

He continues. 'She doesnt like our games. We are usually too rough-'

The wine is taking a toll and you dont feel pleasant or safe like moments ago. You are trapped between dragons spitting fire at each other. 'This is why I shouldve been king. You dont have the balls.' You freeze when Aemond says that. You cower even.

Aegon is shocked too. 'Excuse you?' He croaks out.

You start to cry youe emotions all over the place. 'Please stop. I dont like this anymore.'

Aemond continues, getting closer to you and eying your naked body with a smirk. 'If you wont take advantage of her : I will. Hand her to me.' He grabs you and starts undressing himself too when feeling you up like he usually does. You let him, but you wish he would be more gentle and considerate.

You hit your head when he pushes you down on the bed and you groan. He comes closer worried. 'Sorry, that was an accident.' You nod weakly. He softly touches your head.

You suddenly dont see Aegon anymore. Aemond climbs on top of you and spreads your legs. Than it happens very fast.

Aegon jumps up from behind him, strangling his brother in wild rage and anger. You can only pretty much scream 'Get your fucking paws off her!' He yells, when strangling a confused Aemond.

Aemond tries to shake him off but aegon is clever and bites his neck. 'She is mine too. We made that deal remember?' He hits his brother back. They fall to the ground

You freeze, when the two of them continue it on the floor hitting each other and beating each other. Aemond hits Aegon on his nose but Aegon is more street skilled and forces his knees between the legs of aemond who cries out. They become rougher and angrier.

You know enough to know that this will bring out every bit hatred they have for each other. Every bit of jealousy. They will kill each other.

You get up from the bed and quickly grab the sheets before heading out of the door, trying to search for a guard. Outside the doors there is no one.

You still are walking like a penguin and run down the hall until you finally run into a few guards on patrol. 'Ser Criston!' You never were so happy to see him.

He looks at the sheets around your body. 'Lady Beesburry.'

'Please come with me. There is a- ' the sound of something breaking interrupts you. 'Delicate situation.'

He comes with you, to the bedroom. Aemond is lying on the floor, blood comes from his nose and mouth. Aegon lies next to him and has clear scratches in his face as well as several bruises. 'What in the seven hells happend?!" Cole demands the two of them.

Its like seeing an angry father. Aegon swallows. Aemond looks sad. 'Aegon hates sharing his toys. Even if we both agreed we would share her.' He says like an toddler.

Cole blushes. 'Her?' He looks to you. You blush too. 'Are you both-' he swallows.

'And you are fine with that?' He asks you.

Aegon growls when spitting blood. 'Dont judge her for it or I'll send you to the wall. She feels miserable enough as it is.'

'We share her, Cole. She is our little pet. '

'Your pet was terrified when she came to me. You both scared her very much. I'm sure she expected more of you. I sure did.'

'Ser Criston, please wait.' You say, rushing after him.

'Yes, my lady?' He waits for you. You sigh catching your breath.

He killed your father. He did. 'Thank you. They don't have much anymore. They are the richest in gold but they lack so much else.' You say picking your words careful.

He seems quite shocked by that and looks at you like he sees you now for the first time. 'I see you have a good gentle heart that beats for both of them.' You sigh and look out the window.

'It does.' You confess.

Ser Cirston looks around. And then he softly leans in. 'If I were you, I would flee this city.' He whispers.

You gawk. 'You would?' You ask; confused.

He nods to Aegons rooms. 'If you were to reject any or both of them: They will kill you just as they tried to kill each other today. If you stay: this will happen but worse. They need each other. War is afoot.' Your head is spinning.

'Where will I go?' You blurt out. Criston shrugs. 'Somewhere nice. Somewhere far away.' He adds. 'Go to your rooms, my lady. I don't think they are in any mood to sleep with you.'

------

''YOU DONT HAVE THE BALLS''

I wrote that line yet i cant believe he said that lol

[veradragonjedi]

I'm asking for BBB Luke lore 🤲

ABSJSGGXUZGSJHS OKAY— ARHH

I'm so eeped about this because!!! Aroorororororo omg???? AAAAA thank you, you total legend.

Here is the bit I wrote a while back about Tatooine Lore, plus how he survived with weaker skin, and here is a little about how I worked around the traditional aspect of a vampire and how their creation might carefully slot into the gffa!

I think I'd really like to freaking talk about his mental state, loneliness, longing, self-loathing etc, sooo this is slightly heavier? But you write like the most doomed-to-fail angst-ridden stories, so I think you're alright with it. (I won't go into triggering territory as that stuff is barely mentioned in the story fr, I just wanna spill somewhere yk??)

I wanna preface this by saying that I have not completely rewritten Luke's character to be apathetic or depressing, and that his soft and cheerful demeanour and sweet behaviours naturally shine through his Jedi Master veil (pun unintended). But, when you're a vampire, and when vampires are notoriously whispered about in the far corners of your galaxy to be thieves, murderers, blood-drinkers etc, it becomes very difficult to make and maintain healthy relationships with those around you. And, as we know that in the actual OT, Luke's relationship with his friends, father, Master, sister, and his trust in all of them, is what guides him and leads him to conquer the darkness in the galaxy, when Luke loses that trust, he begins to lose faith in everything else he knows.

Not only that, but that darkness begins to return. (We don't talk about that yet. 🤫)

Anyway, I think anyone who has experienced a kind of betrayal and loneliness like he has is unready to actually place themselves in a situation where they might face the same ordeal. (You read more about that betrayal, hurt and anguish in chapter 9!)

That's where Din comes in. Aaaand also why Luke is so determined to know whether Din plans to leave him or not in the future. He's been left behind numerous times in his life. If Din leaves, especially with Grogu, he won't be able to continue living knowing that he's failed.

At least Grogu will be safe, right?

This leads him down a very very dark, repetitive mindset once he begins to develop feelings for Din. This loop looks something like this. 👇

I am a Jedi -> no attachments -> I am attached to Din -> therefore Din must leave Yavin, as he is a detriment to my training -> if he leaves Yavin, I won't be able to cope alone, as he will take Grogu and my purpose will be stripped from me -> if Din leaves Yavin, I will die -> I don't want to die, as I haven't completely my training, and the Force will not accept me -> but I am a Jedi -> Jedi have no attachments -> I am attached to Din.

And so on and so forth.

As well as, I love Din -> Din could not possibly love me -> if I tell him I love him, he will leave me, because he doesn't love me -> if he leaves me, I will die -> I don't want to die -> but living with Din when he's outside my reach hurts me -> which means Din has to leave -> if he leaves I will die -> I don't want to die -> I don't want to die because I have Din -> I love Din

As you can see, it's viscious. (I'm viscious. Me. The author. I'm not always mean to Luke I swear-)

Sooo... its a bit of a predicament, as you can see, but I won't explain how I solve it, as that's for my readers to live in fear about.

I also love believing that Luke has ADHD, PTSD and other anxiety disorders, hallucinative tendencies — because, as a vampire, he is particularly intuned to the Force, and can see things that many people can not.

I'll leave it at the last idea that, when he sees things that others can't, it bothers him, because often it is an irregularity, a shift from his comfortable zone in spacetime, or the demons rapping at his door, and he can't change it because it is out of his dimension :3

Anyway! Thank you so much, Nova. I really needed this OFF my chest and AT someone. Ily, ty :3

Actually gonna add my taglist here- ♡

@airlocksandaviaries @positivityjediprince @surfing-on-a-soundwave @materassassino @vanishedangels @idkbishsss @jspookywolf @pebblish (tell me if you'd like to be added or removed!)

+ @iamscoby (cos u aren't on the chapter tagliatelle, but ik u get the emails ♡)

[marley-manson]

Finally rewatched GFA and lmao I wildly overestimated how much screen time was dedicated to BJ and Hawkeye’s relationship, oops. I think it’s bc 90% of what they did get was dysfunctional, and they got the Final Goodbye of Greatest Emotional Importance, so it stuck out in my mind.

This time around I still loved Hawkeye’s plot for the most part. Had my take that once he remembers he’s fine talking about it confirmed with the casual way he asks if it’s couch time when Sidney approaches during his letter-writing, as well as him bringing it up later on multiple times, jokingly and not jokingly with Sidney. His reluctance to talk about the bus and his deflection was clearly intended to be a major Something’s Really Wrong Here signal, satisfyingly righted after the revelation with his more casual, in-character willingness to admit to and talk about his mental breakdown.

I am not a huge fan of Sidney’s method of throwing people back into the traumatic war zone asap lmao, I actually misremembered that as the army’s doing, but nope it’s Sidney. I know that’s the psychological theory they’re working with so I take it in the spirit intended, but thematically it kinda sucks and uhhhhh Hawkeye quits surgery anyway so they failed to make it seem successful even if he did operate a few times first.

BJ really is a mess of a character lol, I honestly have no idea what they were doing with him in the finale other than scrambling to find something for him to do, and like half of what he does is let Hawkeye down one last time. Also the reason BJ didn’t leave a note is because he chose to be pressed for time so he could land in San Francisco instead of Seattle, which was Klinger’s first suggestion for his travel itinerary. Plus his refusal to say goodbye functionally states the reason he didn’t leave a note, ie his emotional constipation, which is a very pointed flaw in this episode especially so I don’t think having more time would’ve made a difference.

Also relatedly BJ’s “I just thought there might be something we wanted to say to each other” came across even worse this time around because Hawkeye’s “Look, I know how tough it is for you to say goodbye, so I’ll say it,” calls back to it. It really genuinely was BJ demonstrating his inability to emotionally connect with Hawkeye without Hawkeye doing it first and wanting Hawkeye to read his mind and offer a heartfelt outpouring of emotion without knowing he’s leaving and while in a cell in a mental hospital and right after BJ, who should have more sense than to talk about babies in front of him since he was purportedly on that bus too, triggered him. Evil evil scene for BJ. Also probably my favourite scene in the ep, because I love Hawkeye’s rant so much.

“Would you hold me in your arms or would you let me lie there and bleed?” still works as a commentary on their whole dynamic, but lmao it really does come completely out of left field in the scene itself, Hawkeye went from 0 to 100 in like 2 seconds. It makes sense as an extension of the way BJ left the hospital and then left without a note too, as Hawkeye expressing how he feels about that after stewing for a while, but yeah the actual scene still made me go ‘well that escalated quickly.’ And BJ’s “you don’t even have a cold” response, just totally and probably willfully missing the point, gj guy.

BJ getting drunk and joking about running off with someone during the goodbye party is a bizarre choice lol, and I can see why people want to take it as an oblique confession re Hawkeye because at least it’s meaningful that way and not just making BJ’s scene there a dumb awkward joke. The other way it’s meaningful is if it’s a Sign of BJ’s impending domestic doom ofc, though I’m on the fence about intent there.

Hawkeye’s “I can’t say I loved you all either... but I loved as many of you as I could,” is such a good Hawkeye summation lol, in the jokey, flirty way intended, in the non-gendered way that’s probably unintended, and in a true-on-a-deeper-level way too.

Soon Lee was disappointing honestly. I thought she might have more personality here than in the last ep, but nah. The only moment she had where she showed any kind of personality was her line about wanting to see Klinger in a dress. That was a great joke though lol. I’m curious what she’s like in AfterMASH, but not enough to watch any of it. I do love Klinger staying in Korea for the irony, and I LOVE that it really is the same wedding dress from season 3.

Charles and Margaret were more entertaining than I remembered, I really enjoyed them rehashing old arguments here. I totally forgot that Margaret mentioned wanting to work in a stateside hospital at the very start of the episode before getting all the letters from her father. Definitely doubling down on my belief that she’s not retiring from the military at all, but rather just working at a military hospital. Love her speech to the nurses best.

Mixed feelings on the Charles and musicians plot. It’s fitting, but perhaps not solely in the way intended lol, in that it’s always always always Charles finding sympathy and attachment to someone only after they appeal to one of his pet interests or the sympathies he already has. He really doesn’t change that much - he gets friendlier with some of the other characters, and he reveals more complex and endearing sides of himself, but he doesn’t really grow lol, and once you notice that he only ever starts to care after he projects his interests on someone those moments get a little less endearing. I think he’s still a fantastically written, fun, and genuinely pretty interesting character, but he never quite achieves likeability on a personal level. But hey, maybe that is intended.

Mulcahy’s plot was honestly a little annoying lol, like, dude you made it worse by refusing medical help and keeping it a secret for the sake of like... one more week with the orphans? I do think it was appropriate that he managed to keep his hearing loss hidden though, because it mirrors the way he tended to miss jokes and references throughout the show, and I dig that angle. Also I love his little crisis of faith and the implication that there is no greater purpose or reason, shit just happens in a war zone.

What else... idk lightning round:

- loved everyone cheering for Hawkeye after he drives the tank to the garbage heap except everyone who was in the OR with him who are all concerned.

- also loved Hawkeye driving a tank into a garbage pile just as a piece of symbolism

- love everyone going back to work after peace is declared, that just sums up the show right there, perfect note

- still fucking hate that salute for Potter. it’s fitting, I understand why it’s there, it’s the most appropriate goodbye for Potter, I still hate it.

- that said I do love the like, 20 minutes worth of goodbyes lol. it honestly worked great, pacing, order, each individual exchange, the goodbye party speeches, all pretty damn solid.

- I did not remember that BJ got that motorcycle bc he just took it when the Chinese musicians surrendered lmao. love him driving Hawkeye up to the helicopter pad in it though as a call back to Yalu Brick Road and Blood and Guts w/ Hawkeye acquiescing for once.

- I think it was a mistake to include the forest fire. I know it happened irl, hence why they incorporated it, but like it adds absolutely nothing but an awkward continuity error where it switches from night to afternoon even though they should’ve been bugging out before that, and a melancholy moment where Potter looks at the burned up support poles, which sucks because that’s not a fond home for them. Like come on, if the 4077 burned down in season 3 the MCs would’ve roasted hot dogs over the coals. Also the military march verson of the theme playing during the bug out scene... yeesh.

- but yeah overall solid finale, pretty much what you need after 11 seasons, gj everyone.

[veliseraptor]

☕️ Gawyn Trakand 👀

ohhh man. Gawyn Trakand. I feel like I don't even know what to do about Gawyn Trakand. because the thing is that he drives me nuts and I kind of hate him but also when I tilt my head to one side he's got potential to be just fascinating to me but he just hits a little bit wrong to quite get the "psychologically fucked up" part that lures me in to compensate for the ways in which I find him annoying. I'm kind of working on it, though, because I think I will find him more interesting if I can figure that out.

because like...what a mess! people have talked about how Gawyn had this whole idea of where his life was going to go and what it was going to be like that gets spectacularly derailed, and also this vision of who he was and what his purpose is that he kinda loses sight of and then keeps digging himself deeper. he has a lot to prove, a huge inferiority complex, and a staggering amount of pride and just keeps...well, failing. and after the tower coup I think he's very much existing in a sunk cost fallacy of "well I've gone this far so I better commit now."

and I think that's part of why he latches on so hard to Rand being his Big Bad, because if he does that he can avoid his own culpability and focus on an external enemy who feels present and is almost a ready-made scapegoat in a few different ways. if Rand is bad and evil and responsible for his mother's death and all of that, then Gawyn can avoid looking at the ways in which his own actions and choices have had unintended consequences with less-than-positive results.

Rand is also a safe place to put his inferiority complex, too. he can't put that on Galad, because of the particulars of their relationship - Galad isn't a safe target, he's inviolate, Gawyn owes him. Rand is someone he can resent for his success and power, and will, by god, aided by the power of classism and male-channeler-phobia.

honestly I think my least favorite thing about Gawyn is ultimately everything about his relationship with Egwene, and I think there are ways I could do a reparative reading on that that I'd like more if I tried. but ultimately I think I can find Gawyn most interesting as someone who tried and yet was a painful failure at what he wanted to and tried to be, ultimately at catastrophic cost.

he's very doomed but in a different "by his choices not destiny" way than, say, Rand is, and that is kinda sexy.

[actionsurges]

clapping cheering wooting i love u dove wooooo we love a doomed vessel !!! pls give us more dove lore if/when u have any

i do have lore about her sort of girlfriend (they're not really sure what they are, it is for sure gay gay homosexual) who is how dove got to safety post The HorrorsTM, oh also their ship portmanteau is literally ikaros which was unintended but is the best one i came up with and its so so sexy if you even care

straight from my character notes for vesselverse:

ISLA NAVAROS. She/They, 16/25/31, Drow Civilian; From [BOREAL RAINFOREST ISLAND]. Met Dove during the evacuation after the God Wars. Upon recognizing who Dove was and seeing her state, instead of turning her over to any authority, Isla opted to help her and keep her safe. They've stayed as a caretaker and partner to Dove since. Although the exact nature of their relationship is unsaid, there is a great deal of intimacy between the two. Now that they're living in [WHEREVER],  she works for a draper, weaving textiles. Once got detained on suspicion of aiding and abetting / harboring a fugitive (Dove), 1-2 years post-war.

Dark blue hair, dark blue skin, silver eyes. Calloused hands, occasionally bandaged fingertips. Observant and intuitive. Appreciates quiet but also can't help herself from speaking up or supporting someone who looks hurt. Protective and diligent. Isla doesn't have a temper per say, but will fiercely defend the things she cares about. Has a habit of humming while doing work or chores.

[almightyrozenidiot]

Oooh I'm curious to hear your take on Takuto and Azathoth for the relationship ask game ^^

KLDSGBSJLDGfhdjsfdbg (that's the sound of Azathoth doing something with his tentacles to wiggle my brain)

describe their canon relationship/dynamic

The best way I'd describe it tbh is similar to Kandori and Nyarlathotep from the earlier Persona games where the Persona has a slight personality independent of the Persona user but is still aligned with their goals. Azathoth feeds into Maruki's worst parts and gives him a euphoric bliss that makes him lose sight of his kind of tenuous ethics and what exactly he was trying to accomplish with his research to begin with.

your ideal/headcanon version of it? how does it differ from how it is in canon & why is this your favorite version? any other alternate versions of it you enjoy?

Admittedly their relationship fucking terrifies me so my brain copes by imagining really dumb shit with them that's akin to a (sometimes dark comedy) sitcom. Things that I will explain below.

what do you like about their relationship, why is it interesting or enjoyable to you?

Despite being scared shitless I actually like the horror of not knowing where their individual thoughts end and begin.

...come to think of it, it reminds me of a more benelovent version of The Hiss from Control but instead of The Hiss mindlessly propagating itself and people lose themselves from being assimilated into a hive mind collective, they both want to spread happiness with the very likely unintended side effect of being utilitarian about it. The fact that it has happiness and benevolence in mind is what adds to the horror of it.

what about the individual characters involved? what does this relationship mean to them, what makes it unique among their relationships?

I think Azathoth is still trying to save Maruki in their own way, it's just they're an eldritch entity that doesn't fully understand humanity and has powers that can only really result in bad things happening. Which is parallel to Maruki's forays into cognitive psience but he still has his humanity and the conscience - no matter how deep down it's buried - to realise what he's doing is wrong.

Honestly I have no clue what's going on in Maruki's head because, again, kind of hard to tell where their thoughts begin and end. I think he is aware to some capacity (especially after getting punched in the face and willingly letting himself fall to his doom) that this is an extremely toxic relationship, but he's addicted to the happiness Azathoth can bring and can't resist (also hence the whole "stop resisting" stuff he eventually starts spouting). Even before he put his ideal reality into action, he saw Azathoth as an extension of himself as a normal Persona user would, but until he lost it he wasn't aware that Azathoth was a part of the process of his powers.

Also on a side note: Does that mean that he used his powers on Joker to boost the effects of the benefits we get from his confidant? Answers on a postcard please.

favorite interaction they have in canon

The flashback scene where Mementos fuses with reality and Azathoth appears in that random guy's office, pushing Maruki far past his limits after everything that's happened to him. I would probably just accept the madness too if that happened to me tbh.

favorite interaction they have in your head/a situation you want to put them in

Ok sitcom time! I just like the idea that in front of the Phantom Thieves, Maruki acts like he has his shit together but when no one's looking he is still clumsy as heck and Azathoth is either an extra set of limbs, helping him hide or just picking him up off the floor at any given moment.

One of these days I want to draw Azzy lending a tentacle to hook Maruki up by the collar of his coat like a mother cat lifting a kitten off the ground after he's tripped over. (Though if anyone wants to draw it themselves please feel free to)

[sugar-petals]

♡ physical affection; levi

↳ NOTE. characterizing boyfriend levi, my passion project lmao! with some sexy moments included 👀

WORDS. ⇢ 7k

tags / warnings. ⚠️ smut, fluff, soft sub!levi x female reader, hurt/comfort hc, angst, shower sex, blowjobs + handjobs + boobjobs (yep. spoiling the captain), face-sitting, protected sex, soap kink, season 3-4 setting, no manga spoilers

Ready for a surprise? It’s not really about what kind of skinship he’s extremely selective about and what not. This is only something people would perceive about him at first glance. Instead, it comes down to how emotionally sheltered he feels. Because of his experiences, that predicates everything else. Which is why Levi’s sexuality is as complex as it is.

But also, in its sudden perfect expression once a person gives him a different perspective: That’s the time when he is touchier. The more in private, the better. The lights down low, with only a candle or two shining from another room. Broad daylight brings the harsh truths and the shaking ground. Nighttime is when Levi feels more intimate and open to caress, down his back and arms, the shoulders, the side of his neck. Done with extreme gentleness, and all of your deep respect.

If you offer him an environment of trust, Levi is open to almost anything and would even magically doze off in your arms for a little while. Breathing softly, resting for the first time in weeks, the brows becoming less tense the deeper he sleeps. You asking if you can stroke his hair (carefully, not messing it up or anything) is something he can’t say no to. The closet romantic in him will fulfill you any reasonable wish as soon as you’d ask anyway.

We know how receptive the captain is to a request, and how much there can be a soft spot for somebody in his heart. If you’re forward enough to just ask, Levi sets himself that goal and opens up. He is diligent with it just as you’d expect. That especially includes the things he says are „absolute horseshit nonsense“ and „disgusting, useless activities“ when reacting to newly formed couples kissing in the survey corps at the other end of the room. Is he a hypocrite and a hater? Actually— not at all.

Levi is a raised rather than born skeptic. Between courage and care, he is always gonna be torn. Both didn’t work in his favor at some point. But at the end of the day, he fears recklessness more than being cautious. Looking at these couples, he knows that they could lose each other the very next day. Or hell, the next hour. Not everybody has 200 titan kills. 

Not everybody is a physically indestructible Ackerman destined and designed to escape death and outlive others whether they want it or not. And showing themselves this vulnerable out in the open is even more dangerous considering all the political intrigues, chaos, attacks, and espionage going on.

When he’s scoffing at skinship in the survey corps, it’s not his intent to ruin the couples and their little happiness in the present moment (nothing he sees as more tragically precious), or say only he can have a relationship because he’s strong enough to make it survive. If anything, Levi is the prime example of how all his connections were doomed exactly because of his status pulling in all the danger. He very well and painfully knows.

What I mean is: He sees the brutality of consequences that can create more misery than if two people would just go about their business. Levi already dreads that the same might happen to him. But after all, the behavior of others is easier to rectify than his own undeniable feelings for you. Which he cannot control in any way, which is why he reacts to others instead. Looking at other people holding hands, he’s also afraid how dabbling in love is a distraction from threats that can even backfire on uninvolved others if someone is suddenly in harm’s way.

Levi does associate physical touch with something that takes an otherwise observing mind off when it shouldn’t be. To him, it creates something so valuable that can become an unintended burden through all kinds of circumstances, he’s seen it all, it’s terrible he had to. And the reason why he has such a torn relationship with it. You really have to know your stuff to build a resilient little bubble where Levi is not constantly hypervigilant and either past- or future-focused.

Which is pretty damn hardwired into him. It’s almost impossible to bring on that kind of atmosphere spontaneously. It has to be ritualized. His intelligence comes with the downside of overthinking and having problems with spontaneous romance, it’s good to direct his thought into something that’s always done in a specific, structured way. You sit down with tea, put the candles on, Levi finishes cleaning his weapons, makes everything combat-ready and usable in seconds, and you carefully lay down on his impeccably made bed together.

Which he never uses, Levi sleeps in chairs. Or on the ground, so he can feel any titan steps in the distance with his whole body, using the cleanest possible mat or towel as a mattress and nothing else. The bed he basically just makes to have it neat, and for you, and to have a spot to lay together. 

But yeah. He will never remove his harness. Not even when you’re sleeping with each other. He’s not once gonna risk having to put it on in a hurry. The only time you will be skin to skin with him is for not even five minutes under the shower. It’s when his cleanliness beats his anxiety around being always ready, which is why that’s a time to fully cherish.

And then, he really has no qualms about you wrapping your hands around his soap-covered torso in the shower anyway. It’s the only time his inner default germaphobe is not vehemently screaming inside his already heavy heart. It doesn’t have anything to do with you, this is about his demons only, confronted with the immense relief you give him. If the latter wins over his mind’s struggle, Levi might draw out the shower time sometimes.

The other voice that tells him ‚don’t make it end so soon’ is now finally convincing him. He will dial down the water stream so he can hear what’s going on outside better to compensate, to know if there’s any ruckus or approaching hazards. Levi has instructed a fast runner among the cadets to bang on the front door under any critical circumstances immediately in the first place.

Levi says he wants to save water, too. He won’t admit it, but he also turns the showerhead to a medium pressure to hear your calm, almost-quiet moans — the barracks have terribly thin walls — better when you’re sucking him off. Slowly, smoothly, not too much spit. Folded towel under your knees because Levi insists, and he is right. The showers in the survey corps have uncomfortable floor tiles. 

He makes sure you won’t get soap in your mouth as well, I don’t have to tell you that he is very circumspect. Levi isn’t usually feeling overly heated in moments like this, but he gets hard and releases fast. You swear his cum tastes like afternoon tea with milk but you won’t tell him that. And who doesn’t like tea and Levi’s homemade milk, no complaints alright.

What’s still a shame is that Levi, always being in such a constant hurry and alertness, puts too much stress on his body for him to become horny all the way. In fact, he often forgets it. He feels numb, and can’t fully take in the sensations. Levi has not been able to feel a lot of genuine pleasure in his life. 

A racing mind is an absolute sex killer, and his adrenaline spikes are so high in combat that most normal things don’t do anything for him. Which is why he brews his tea extra strong. But seriously: It’s a concerning thing. And it tells you to take your time. With his whole body, doing the things he loves the most. And what else could that be? It’s straightforward: Keepin’ it clean.

You make sure that Levi feels extra comfortable by thoroughly massaging his loins and thighs with a sponge during foreplay. Yes, you’re gently working him up. All in circles and light brushing motions. Lots of soap. Suave and bubbly, like silk on his skin. It’s handmade, with oat milk, lavender, and honey. For your honey. You regularly gift a new one to him to try out scents and have supply. You can guess how much Levi appreciates it, to the moon and back in fact. The present box is neatly stored on his office table where he can always see it.

Sending out its balmy fragrance throughout the day, making the room smell amazingly aromatic to him. His nose will never grow tired or accustomed to it. Levi puts the soapbox in a drawer within literal split seconds when someone who isn’t you enters the room. „Tsk, announce yourself when you knock…“ That could even be the newest recruit who doesn’t know anything at all about the place and people. But this is just a you and him thing.

Levi doesn’t want nosy questions from the squad even though nobody would probably even notice the soap laying there in its case, much less ask him about it or the fresh scent in the air because duh, it’s Levi’s office. But it feels absolutely personal for him — so he reacts sensitively about it. This man would probably protect your lavender soap with his blades if he had to. 

The captain is very secretive about your relationship in general. Who on earth would go as far as buy him a new scented bar of joy bi-weekly? At this point, he would crawl on hot coals, needles, lava, ice shards, desert sand, and a mile-long straight of legos (laid out by a maniacally laughing Zeke personally) for you.

Although you wouldn’t allow any of it. Nothing should ever hurt those kitty paws, I mean captain hands and captain feet. You’d put Zeke on blast on your own, luring him with a banana to confuse his senses and then, whack, homerun the monkey into the ocean with Levi’s bristle broom. Problem solved. Anyway.

 Levi wouldn’t hurt himself willingly that way either, the ice shards don’t stand a chance. He has sworn to protect his own life out of self-respect, to honor those passed by living on bravely toward the goal they worked for and being the one always coming home to you. You can rely on him.

So enough about gleaming hot coals and Zeke’s evil legos, back to the point — you already get what I mean. Levi might seem totally grumpy on the outside, but for sure is a devoted man, a caliber as always. He takes all of your presents to heart and is unbelieving as to why he’d be deserving of so much. You prove a point using the gifts as regularly as possible on his body. Where he can feel every bit of your fondness of him. And remember it with muscle memory. Oh shit, this soap does smell so good. As anything on him, who are we kidding.

Dousing Levi with all your attention is the best thing ever. He feels great relaxing with you, and his face softens up. He’s looking at you with a tiny smile in response to you whispering sweet things to him, all while you’re using the sponge on his legs, the chest, and ever-tense back that can definitely use some alleviation. „Thank you for cleaning me“ has got to be the best thing ever to hear from Levi Ackerman. It means the entire world to him. Captain, your mommy kink is showing. His arousal increasing is a natural side effect in no time.

Recently, you’ve been slipping his cock between your breasts as well, and it’s been slowing him down a lot after an eventful mission. While at the same time making him more in the moment, he really enjoys you gradually lathering him up like that. The feeling of skin on skin is amazing. It might be something that… often crosses his mind when he trains during the day, but he can blend it out for the important things. Until you do it all over again, and he ruminates about how much you turn him on until the sun rises.

You also never do a blowjob hands-free. Why would you, anyway? His body is amazingly buff and compact, you want to hold onto those gorgeous lil’ hips and his own hands that need a fair share of holding after carrying the world. You feel him twitching on your tongue when you run either hand over his ass and abs, making sure to trace across all his most erogenous spots there. What’s more: Levi feels really protected and soothed when he feels your palms on him under the streaming water, he can’t explain it.

That's why you like doing shower handjobs just as much. I don’t have to tell you that Levi really delights in them as well and his poker face regularly cracks a bit. His eyes fixate on you, you can tell the connection and involvement. He thinks your fingertips are heavenly, a welcome change to his rugged days. 

He loves how softly they tease and stimulate him with the smallest movements and subtle presses. Yes, Levi doesn’t like rough action, those are vulnerable moments. He has enough brutality elsewhere, violently jerking him off and insulting him would be entirely inappropriate and even scare him.

He’d probably brush your wrists off right away, it’d be so uncomfortable in the silence of the evening. A tender chain of kisses on the nose tip, chin, collar bone, and especially forehead gets him going a lot more. The more chaste and doting the kiss, the more he melts on the inside. 

His anxiety baseline goes down, and he feels like he can let you in. However you guide him and however you choose to indulge him with your lips, Levi is on board, quietly enjoying. Since it’s something that he’s still feeling so new to, leaving you the active role comes naturally.

Stroking him with a deep pace, carefully brushing your lips against his to give him goosebumps — Levi definitely grows into that. In those moments, he really feels taken care of, in safe hands, hands that will stay with him. He’s gonna be surprised just how good something like this feels many times. And be overwhelmed by pleasure to the point where it almost frightens him, he didn’t have that a lot until now.

The satisfaction of a spotless table simply does not compare. Just so you know: He will either be dead silent or mumble under his breath nonstop. That he is okay with you touching him below the belt and even take him in your mouth tells you how much Levi trusts you, how much he knows you love him, and how meticulously he’s already scrubbed and shaved himself beforehand. Yes, the sheer preparation. He puts a lot of work into his body. He couldn’t stand you becoming dirty.

That’s also why the shower is the place oral goes down. And even there, he uses like ten cleaning products to double rinse the stall and himself before and after. Mind you. He sees you eating healthy, brushing your teeth well. Your lips are very beautiful and a masterpiece of nature to him. So it’s not you who he thinks is dirty. Levi is pretty damn paranoid about his own skin and hygiene. If only he would think about himself the way he thinks of your body.

He feels like he has to earn it, be acceptable, and prepare himself endlessly to enjoy touch. Even then, he thinks he must be ugly and revolting. You have to respect him fussing about it rather than forcing him to cut down on his routines. You don’t criticize his perfectionism and see the motivation behind it. So instead, you reassure Levi your own way.

The more he sees you having fun and enjoying his body, the more accepted, confident, and clean he feels. Most people would like to see their partner play up the enthusiasm obviously (unless you have a ‚hiding his amazement’ emo boy kink, which is exactly why you like Levi don’t cha), but it’s particularly meaningful to Levi. Guess why he looks up to Armin’s mentality, and Hange is one of the few people who truly vibe with Levi.

She’s easily amused, dedicated, swooning, excited, and constantly eager. Levi does appreciate a bit of zeal in someone. If you’re a little ardent about touching him, it’ll give his esteem a boost he’s long needed, oh god. Nobody has the guts to praise this guy like that, even if he’s so extremely good-looking. Don’t let him off the hook there. Give him feedback, you’ll be surprised how much it resonates.

It’s already apparent to yourself how keen you are being touchy with him, hell, you’re so in love. Still, it’s a good idea to give him an idea how stoked you are. He doesn’t like it fast and brutally raw without a second thought, but passionate is a whole other debate. A simple „Levi, stay like this, let me do it“ or „Levi, you smell so good“ works wonders. Say what you think and his ease will set in. And I don’t have to tell you that you won’t look like sex is a chore anyway. With Levi, that’s an honor and a pleasure.

That he puts his faith in you and gives you his time is already a massive deal and goes against everything we know of him, what he’s used to, and how his avoidant personality works, being so ridden with losses. And it’s all because of how much you desire and approach him. That’s what it comes down to. 

Even if he’d suffer decades from yearning, he’d not go out of his way to kickstart something, never ever. He’d feel like he’d cause you so much trouble. You wanting him so badly and treating his body like a treasure on the other hand changes his mind.

It proves him wrong all the way. There is still time to enjoy love, the chance is now. Anything else would plague Levi with solitude and self-pity all over again. And the feeling of missing you around in his rooms. Two teacups on the table until he grows old and grey are his ideal of a good life, after all. He will open himself to your emotional and physical presence, realizing how touch-starved he is, and how much it improves his life to have someone to kiss and lay down next to at night.

The even breath at the back of his neck gives him a sense of finally someone sticking around with him side by side, even if he’s gone during the day. It feels good and right to be wanted by you, and nuzzling his face into your cotton dress. Your commitment gives him the little smiles and the silver lining he’s been searching for. He can’t label that feeling, but it’s joy of life and humankind, more than just a willingness for it. He would stay forever pained and bitter if he wouldn’t invite it in now, and you won’t waste that chance with being silent.

You’re attracted to everything about him, tell him, make him aware. The voice, the hair, the mannerisms, his height, his abilities, his mind, his care for others, the posture, how soft his cheeks are, the list is endless. Levi won’t miss how much he’s your type at some point. Which gives him a lot of ease, comfort. You show him that his inferiority complex was an entire smokescreen in his mind. 

He fucking deserves to be called handsome. And by the way — you can lust over him as much as you want when he’s made that time window for your couple stuff. It’s good if you make it as obvious as possible for him. Which is hard to hide anyway. You’ve been masturbating over Levi just sitting there sternly writing something. And he’s like why, and you’re like, it’s you! Look at you!

Levi does want you to touch his skin all over but it’s always sore. And he remains insecure on many days. So he only has particular comfortable spots in the first place. Since hardly anybody dares to touch him, and even if he pats someone’s shoulder nobody would ever be courageous enough to reciprocate, you would feel a bit like a lab scientist. Silently theorizing over him at first even if you really don’t have to. Other people say they’d rather run towards a titan than expose themselves to Levi’s moods, swords, and barking tone after trying to caress him in any way.

News flash, Levi has had such terrible moods since forever because there’s no affection coming to him from anywhere just because people decided he might not need it. And no, he won’t yell at you for touching. He finds it very sweet of you instead. Touching Levi always creates an occasion that will float around in his head for the entire day, that’s guaranteed. He sees how someone goes out of their way and cares for his well-being. He might not like it like standing in the middle of the whole corps, but anywhere else is fair game, at home anyway.

The pressure of dealing with threats he can manage to a degree, and he has lord how many coping strategies. The lack of love he cannot. Big difference that everybody seems to confuse. On top of how he has to be unrelenting in his position because battlefield and the Yeagers being a pain. Most people — except maybe Armin — see that as a closedness to touching altogether. 

The whole world seemingly can't intuit Levi’s craving of gentleness behind the arguably pretty convincing armor, but still. It seems like only a few souls ever think about the Levi that sits down on his bed in the evening completely depleted. You have to make it clear to yourself and him that it’s obviously a one-dimensional way of looking at Levi Ackerman and not good for him.

Which has covertly shaped how he interacts with others in return like a vicious spiral, which is why he blames solely himself for his depravation. And, how severe and untouchable the circumstances made his character. Yes, Levi despises himself for being inaccessible and unable to change it on top, added to how it happened to him over the years. 

Which he had pretty much zero influence on being basically at the gunpoint of life. It’s what you hate seeing the most and comfort him about with brewing tea. It definitely comes back tenfold, Levi won’t take it for granted when you brush out his hair and speak soothingly to him in the evening. „I don’t care, those are all reasons why you’re the apple of my eye“ seems to be what makes Levi’s heart a little mushy in particular.

He is very preoccupied with blame at the start of your relationship. Levi is torn apart by daily guilt and a constantly looming perception of failure to show an opening to his heart. He also crumbles under how the majority of people don’t take him seriously, overreact, or fear he snaps back into soldier mode — he doesn’t — when he does show affection. 

That you gaze behind his reputation and touch him without prejudice is the most important thing to him. You can ignore his mad and gloomy expression, Paradis has carved it into his face for half an eternity (the other half is for you and him when this is over). It doesn’t mean he’s angry on the inside about you. The causes for his madness are way elsewhere, knowing his early story it goes without saying. What made Levi callous and broken-hearted are things very opposite to you.

Those who only see and enjoy his fighting personality probably want him as their poster boy, people who are reflected enough to bother with the idea of a private, cuddling Levi are the only truly caring ones. Because private Levi needs that physical and emotional connection the most. Patting his cadets on their heads is only a little, albeit meaningful moment. The teacup is still half-empty regardless if you wanna think of it in those terms.

Because he can only do so much in terms of initiative — which already shocks people to the point of paralysis, which ruins the moment since he assumes it’s not appreciated then — and it’s only one-sided. Giving isn’t fully making him happy even if it’s his only option given how most people perceive him. 

The teacup only fills to the brim if Levi can let go for like half an hour getting some good ole kitty on your lap treatment. He silently lays there and enjoys your hand rubbing at the back of his neck. He looks genuinely peaceful that way. His hand palms gently at your thigh and knee, and rests there all tranquil while he ruminates about his day and how lucky he is to have you.

The whole ‚theorzing rather than going for it‘ thing stems from you listening to those people a bit too much at the beginning. Instead of asking Levi directly about touch, and to be fair: Not a single human being has done that yet, you try to figure him out at a distance. Which is also a good thing though. 

You learn about many Levi habits others would overlook, misinterpret, or don’t think have any meaning. The more you learn about him, the more understanding you become, the more protective you will be, the less he will avoid intimacy. Because Levi really doesn’t want to shy away, but often his body has too much memory in it to be instantly receptive. So it rather starts with the mind, then.

The irony is. Levi rejecting bonds with others as not to have them weigh heavy on his mind when fighting will only make it worse. You make a statement to him that if he fully immerses himself in what you have, he can fight better and actually be without those godforsaken regrets he’s always talking about. That’s why when you’re having sex, you make him look in your eyes and kiss their lids, and wrap your legs around him very firmly because Levi has to know he’s deeply yours. 

Hugs, the same thing. You squeeze the last curse out of him every time and tell him to hold you tight as well. You do have to tell him twice. Just because Levi is the strongest man in history, doesn’t mean he embraces very roughly. In fact, Levi is not used to this at all. Even more irony. Paradis’ ever-swearing, most badass titan killer with the physical excellence of a hundred acrobats can’t execute the simple act of putting his arms around you in a normal, casual way.

The why is the harder thing to talk about. Last time he got proper, truly loving hugs was way over 20 years ago. From Kuchel, during a time where he was too young to remember these things long-term. Let that sink in. It confuses him when he does it and even more so when others do. Kissing Historia’s hand even as a light official gesture was already completely unusual for him and a first time. 

Levi doesn’t go beyond what he sees others doing in that regard. No extra miles, just imitating. Now think of him with something as big a deal as embracing his lover for minutes. He lets his arms just hang there and you gotta make him learn how to intertwine fingers or how to press his palms on your back. You’re the one holding him tight there, while Levi’s mind and stare go blank, he’s even more speechless and perplexed after confronting his uncle back then.

I’m not kidding. You have to ask Levi to be forthcoming with those things as well, it simply does not occur to him, and he’s unsure about everything there is to it. What a loveless world this guy is in. If it already frustrates you to see him struggle, imagine how deprived he must be. One of his inner blocks is, Levi has major jealousy of guys who are what he thinks a better hugging height. It’s obviously the other way around to anybody who’d be in love with Levi. 

Of course he has the best hugging height by far. What’s not to like? He’s ideal. But in his perspective, imagine all these people above him wrapping around each other in moments of enthusiasm, shoulder-level on shoulder-level, or only with slight differences. And when it comes to him, it feels awkward because they feel strange bending down only for him and Armin.

And that’s probably the issue. Because it’s much better not to bend and try and intertwine, but just have Levi bury his face into your winter coat without a hassle. You don’t have to be perfectly chest to chest to make it work. Besides… romantic hugs are always a bit different. And, you invite Levi to do exactly that with you. Since Levi’s pet peeve is politeness, you’ll also have to show him the difference between mere courtesy and love, he hasn’t fully learned it either. 

But just so you know. Levi is not a naive baby or raging bull in a china shop once he has given his love to someone. He observes well, adapts well. When it’s heartfelt, when it’s the right moment, it comes out almost by surprise, he’s feeling it and he will respond to you. With serenity and intent.

If there’s someone who can be unpretentious with physicality, that’s him. He just has to transfer that to romantic gestures and Levi will be the perfect lover after some time. He’ll end up like, „Eh, so what. We do this hugging thing!“ — Hilarious. Levi, knowing his battle tactics, does have a sort of innate courage to approach bodies: This time, it’s about someone he wants to give pleasure and gratitude to, though. Which will feel very different. 

And you’re a lady he’s all whipped for, that changes everything. He might sort of try to lean at the wall next to you, to murmur about you kissing him after eating cake so he’s full of crumbs „and now I have to dust it all off again, hmph“, but he is not prepared for another kiss and you tickling him pinned against the wall (he’s not ticklish, but you still love it, and Levi has a thing for you being all over him despite his stoic face).

So yeah, Levi will be super grumpy and do the „Oi oi!“ thing, but also turn around so you won’t see the blush. Man, is he embarrassed. He will try to waddle away awkwardly to do paperwork, but no chance if you tug him back by the sleeve, dust off his shirt from crumbs, and squeeze his cheeks into a perfect Levi snoot. I’m telling you, he has a nice pouty face. 

He might assume that you’re out of your mind because nobody has done that with him yet, but once you tell him that you just wanna look at him because every day might be the last, he sees the point of your antics. Merely saying you kiss him just because won’t make sense to the captain, it’s gotta have a purpose for the future.  

So, you will tell him to always remember what your soothing lips do on him before he draws the blade tomorrow, and that he has plenty of filthy crumbs to come home to. „I think that’s right by what we’ve seen today“ is what he’ll admit, and carries you off to the bed to get grinding because all that stuff made him kinda turned on. Or rather, you grind, Levi on the other hand gets flustered. He complains about you being a tease at length since he’s having a huge she-pinned-me-to-the-wall boner. 

You sit on his face to take it even further and as his favorite treat, end of discussion, your goddess is here mister. Geez, you’ll make him a hot mess. That dick won’t go soft anytime soon. You’ll talk to him about when his face is already ruined with cake crumbs, he has nothing to lose, gotta clean up anyway. The grumbling noise from below tells you that the argument is a good one. For good measure, you palm at his trousers to see his legs react and his voice suddenly hitch. Ah, it’s a wonderful day.

Levi knows a thing or two about holding his breath correctly, but what he likes the most is that he feels perfectly sandwiched between thigh Rose and thigh Maria. Yeah, he does consider them his personal comfort walls and hopes they’ll always be there. Congruently, Levi wraps his arms around them, in fact it’s locking rather than wrapping, and you’re like I see wow he’s serious. 

On goes his tongue lapping away between your labia pretty much incessantly. The arousal is so intense, you have to breathe in yourself. Oh shit, Levi is gonna try to finish you off, shots fired. Not fast, but insisting. He does not bother with you panting pretty damn hard whatsoever. He’s calling people like that, but Levi might be the real brat all along.

Fair enough, he currently doesn’t hear anything, which he also loves the idea of. All day, people everywhere are talking nonsense, and now he gets to enjoy perfect silence. His ears are small, they’re easy to cover with thighs. He just goes on and on and gets you past lord how many brinks with a heated buildup. 

There are a lot of evil things Mister Zeke has said and committed, but by far the most offending thing he has yet insinuated is that Levi is not popular with the ladies. Blasphemy, treason, outrage, éclat, trickery, criminal offense, international slander, the most grueling case of fake news since the horse left the building, and no, Jean is not meant. With those oral skills, any lady interested in him would get a permanently bleeding nose and something else permanently wet as you can personally attest to.

If Paradis would even remotely know what he can do in bed (and they would if Connie told them, he lives next door), even more people would run down his house than they already do to get a piece of him. Jesus Christ, the Ackerstamina. But I mean. People are probably suspecting it. 

How can you not move like a god in bed if you can bend yourself into any Pythagorean shape mid-air. Him being a fighter also gives him experience with managing energy when you have sex, I’m not kidding. Levi can even handle you thrusting right back on his tongue, and even your jokes about how he’s getting the cream to his tea now.

Levi is already kind of dripping in juice. His fingers are sweaty, this time it’s something on his face and hands he prefers though. He won’t wipe it off just yet. So you take on the task to put a condom on him — kind of expensive, mysteriously imported, gotta make every one count my friend — and have Levi take you from behind to soil the bedsheets completely at this point. 

Levi lets all the leaking happen, of course he notices, and yet he’s too focused on you gripping his cock hard all the way. So much for walls. Levi has to surrender to the thought of you squeezing him in any way you fancy at this point. That doesn’t just include the face, that much he learned. His cock is gonna fall off, you tighten up so much and make him squirm, Levi’s all blissed out.

He can’t handle your ass either. He just stares like the Founding Titan invented a brand new method to hypnotize the Ackermans or something. Although. Why’d you need to come up with something, though? People they love completely enthrall them already. 

If we know something by now, it's that every Ackerman gets completely fucked in the head out of the blue and sent to another dimension when they’re with the love of their life, no hypnotizing device needed. Levi is clasping his teeth for his dear life back there. People asking him if he’s gone mad he’d answer ‚maybe‘, but if you asked him if this made him lose it he would admit it.

Since he doesn’t know what to do with his hands again, you ask him to place them at your waist. „Properly, now slide in, Levi.“ — He takes his time for the first few thrusts, grunts, but gets the hang of it, in fact he’s a pro in the making. All that vertical maneuvering can turn into horizontal maneuvering very quickly. Levi feels so strange and so good at the same time, it’s overwhelming. How can something he thought would be so dirty be this amazing? 

And since this position allows him to penetrate you even deeper, Levi gets the full experience of being inside of you times two. The wet noise already turns him on, his body feels so warmed up, and he feels really shocked he’s doing this. Although his face won’t show, it’ll be concentrated as before. On the inside, Levi is losing it.

He can’t get enough of your body and how you tell him what to do, Levi will be driving it home in no time. You’re gonna have your jaw dropped by how lusty he can get yourself, but also love how he’s really breaking a sweat just because of your hard grip. Who would have thought. 14-meter class titans got nothing on you. Levi’s entire neck and chest is glazed over. You call him out on it, all you’re gonna get is a little ‚tch, that’s your fault, woman‘. I mean of course it is. He’s literally at your mercy. I told you he’s hilarious.

Little did you know that Levi will straight-up ignore his sweatiness and just continue, one heartbeat at a time, to really fill you out and make you feel good. Can you imagine. Levi dedicating like 20 minutes to make sweet love to you doggystyle. 

He has a good feeling for keeping you just on the verge of cumming. He even reaches around to press two fingers into your clit after five minutes of figuring out his angles. You didn’t expect this at all. It’s as if Levi can read your mind going „but his hands are gonna get really messy, why?“ — he just goes on rubbing and says, deadpan: „Miss, do I look like I care.“

Some dirty things in the world are just there to annoy him. They’re not existing to make his life easier. And toilet humor-related things: We know Levi’s stance on that. Wet pussy on the other hand: Surprise. He thinks of it very differently. Levi is pretty caught off guard by the fact that you loving and adoring him is the reason you’re leaking so much. 

It sinks in (um, literally) that you’re all drippy because you really want him inside. Not to mention that he constantly realizes just how attracted to him you are. Your desire for him, that’s Ackerman kryptonite. Levi doesn’t miss your eyes, nope. That motherfucker is a damn good face reader.

And— How warmed up your body feels in his hands, how you’re breathing. How you’re telling him exactly how to tilt to hit the good spots. How you’re sucking in air when he does just that. How you sound, grip the pillow, the sheets. Your goosebumps all over your legs. How your lips part. How you wait for every thrust. The way you tell him how good it is. Your pulse. Your own sweaty back, letting his hands on your waist slip and slide a little with the rhythm. 

How he’s struggling not to moan his soul out and chokes back. How you’re softly moving to glide off, he’s gonna lose his mind. How much you’re enjoying him and how cute you tell him he is. Whatever you’d ask of him, he’s so ready to fulfill it. You having the absolute hots for Levi is probably gonna preoccupy him for the whole night while you’re sleeping and he sits in the chair.

He’s been shooting grumpy cat level eye daggers with extra Ackerpoison at the corps couples for walking around showing any signs of this. Making all those lovey-dovey faces or going to the back of the barn together. Levi has chased them with his favored broom to whoop-diddly-doop those horndog soldiers back on track, swirling his weapon of choice around to send a sweeping cloud of dust after them.

Whereas now… he has to deal with the fact that he really loves all that horny stuff. Cognitive dissonance 101 is striking him out of nowhere. I mean he’d not fuck in the barn, that one is truly disgustingly shittily bastardly filthy or however he’d word it, but you get the gist. He caught feelings and caught pleasure — and that’s such a good thing.

His problem is, Levi wouldn’t know how to fawn right back at you. Except saying „good job“ like he’d praise a cadet, but he decides that’s not something to say during sex. He’s very right about that indeed. So instead: He will always reply to you accordingly and with Levi-typical honesty. 

If you say you love how he kisses your neck from behind, he will tell you he’s enjoying it as well because damn he loves that spot indeed (titans can tell you a story about it… Levi has such a neck fixation, that fucker). And: Letting actions speak the loudest with him. He’s a practical guy. Levi’s hands can to the most complicated reverse grips and all that crazy human Beyblade shit. Getting you off at his fingertips is gonna be his easiest exercise ever once he gets into it.

He doesn’t even do it to show off at this point. Levi is just that kind of a sex machine and eager to please, not to mention god, is he obedient and a giver in disguise. If Levi were offered the most luxurious, expensive tea available versus your breasts to suck on for a week given he’s free of titan duty… that cup is gonna turn cold. He loves the skinship and he loves giving you a fuckton of orgasms, as many as you like and as many he has time for.

Self-explanatory, this is something he will not feel one bit of regret about. Hours touching you is the farthest from wasting time to Levi. The less he holds back with his love, the more secure things become. He doesn’t feel the misery he thought he’d run into, nor does it feel like a reckless act that’s only something feeble. 

The new soap every other week on his table alone reminds him you’re here to stay and like his every quirk, and make this a private thing rather than something to parade around. You never lied saying „Levi, you’re mine.“ He does wrap his head around the fact that all of this is happening with time.

Levi finds your relationship meaningful because it gives him feelings and exactly that emotional harbor he never had before, and he gifts you the reverence of your lifetime since Levi doesn’t half-ass anything. You reassured and guided him so much, he looks up to that, it breaks down his prejudice against loving more and more. That’s how you’ll feel intimate in all kinds of ways for very intense hours he can spare to make the most out of it. 

From the light touch at his arm to making out until the candles burn down. And if you tell Levi to sell the deal and dedicate his heart, how can he not take that as a serious order. He has to be guarded to put his guard down, and that’s what you can offer him, and he will create something lasting out of it. Promise is promise to him, we all know.

RELATED:  sub!levi hc (tea shop au) | life after war (levi’s happy end)

multifandom mlist | levi writings on ao3

© 2017-2021 submissive-bangtan. all rights reserved. no reposts and translations allowed.

[richwordsxoxo]

My hope that HeXie dynamics and fate is not solely defined or solely controlled by their mental illness.

Ch. 203 keeps bugging me because it feels like such an important moment in the book which depending on how Meatbun frames it eventually, could be the make or break for readers (such as myself). If there’s one take-away I got from just Ch. 203 in particular, it’s that love by itself is not enough to conquer mental illness (mixed with resentment and trauma). I am justifying HY’s treatment of XQC in Ch. 203 using his mental illness.

But it’s also just my personal opinion that while mental illness is a complex issue that in reality “complicates” character development and growth, I hope that beyond Ch. 218 where we see HY acknowledging openly the gravity of his non-con mistreatment of HY and apologising for it, HY (and XQC) by the end of the novel realise the need to seek continued treatment or help of sorts for their respective mental health issues. I really hope that HY’s guilt and realisation of how much he hurt XQC goes beyond Ch. 218. 

My personal stance (everyone can differ on this) is that I can accept non-con in a *fictional* book if it’s not made light of (because it is really serious), characters know the gravity of it, and they make the effort to seek ways to avoid repeatedly hurting themselves and those they love in the long term. It mustn’t be a vicious cycle even if character growth is non-linear. Non-linear growth still implies growth. 

Treatment (counselling/therapy etc.) for mental health issues is not the be-all-end-all cure that solves everything, but to me it’s one type of signal or first step that HY and XQC realise the impact mental illness has on themselves and the potential for it to lead them down an endless cycle of poor communication, mistreatment (or abuse if I’m to use harsher words) and just unhealthy and unsustainable ways of being together in a relationship. When HeXie choose to be in a relationship, they need to realise that their individual mental health issues affect no longer just themselves but also their loved ones. I think this applies not just to mental illness but the way everyone functions and interacts with others in society. Our actions have consequences on ourselves and others, regardless of whether it was intended or unintended. 

For me, there’s no need for Meatbun to write and frame their ending such that their happiness is a state of permanence (unrealistic). But there’s got to be at least a deep realisation/ wake-up call from HY and XQC that they can be ticking time bombs with the potential to hurt each other deeply again and again. But because they love each other, at the very least there’s some part of their consciousness that drives them to continue seeking help for their mental health condition, regardless of the outcome. This is my personal hope for HeXie’s happy ending, not just taking down the evil organisation and mutual reciprocation of love.

There’s no obligation for fictional authors to use their works to discuss “morally correct” principles or how you should or should not treat your partner. Everyone views a piece of fictional work differently and what they hope to get out of the reading experience differ, so we expect different things from a fictional work. For me, because Meatbun has explored so many other complex social issues in CFC and sort of made social commentary on them, I have unconsciously set a “standard” for her to approach sensitive topics too like mental health/illness and non-con in a way that is socially conscious & responsible (I have not thought of a better word HAHA) and empowering. Empowering in the sense that while mental illness is a complex issue, it is not the case that the relationships people form with others are doomed and the outcome is determined solely by their mental illness. There is hope at the end of the tunnel (and novel). 

If Meatbun intentionally set out to explore the topic of mental illness in CFC, she is somewhat successful I suppose (though I am not sure how much research she has done on it to ensure accurate portrayal of mental illness in a fictional book (ironic yes I know). For me at least, CFC has given me food for thought on how mental illness complicates love. However, I also hope that CFC’s plot can demonstrate optimistically that while mental illness is a multifaceted struggle where everyone’s experience of it differs, love at the very least can motivate one to strive to take responsibility of their actions at least to some degree, even if their mental health condition is beyond their control at times. I find it a pity to define HeXie dynamics and fate solely by their mental illness.

I know I’m asking a lot for a fictional work that explores heavy themes, but I just happened to look at CFC’s title again on JJWXC, and its first classification/ genre is a romance novel. So it’s still my unrealistic and naive hope as a too emotionally invested reader (HAHA I tried to stop), that the novel ends with a hopeful message: that for once at least in this book, love can conquer the biggest battles and the battles that matter the most in the grand scheme of the book as the novel comes close to ending.

Hexie is dark at times but also beautiful, because they are two flawed but somewhat realistic characters who found love and hope in the other, so I really hope they can be together in a healthier relationship that lasts.

P.s. I love online communities so much sometimes! Talking to people on Tumblr and Twitter really provides a person with so many perspectives to consider an issue!!! Thank you to everyone who has engaged with me in one way or another on this topic~

[gameofdrarry]

Wizards Hearts Recs: Accidental Bonding

Wizards Hearts was a four-month-long Drarry reading fest. Players were given a playing deck of 52 tropes, and were asked to find 52 different fics to read and comment on to fill their decks. To prevent the same few fics from being read, fics were restricted to only being used for the game three times before being considered ineligible for further points. The tropes and submissions list can be found here.

Check out the masterlist of fics for this trope below the cut!

📜 The Destiny You Sold by tryslora Rated:  Explicit Words:  58872 Tags: Accidental Bonding, Knitting, Wandlore, Top Draco Malfoy, Bottom Harry Potter, Light Dom/sub, Dom Draco, Sub Harry Potter, Light Bondage, Kink Exploration, Kink Negotiation, Dubious Consent, Prick Cozies, Light Angst, Blow Jobs, Questioning Sexuality, Wandmaker Harry Potter, shop owner draco, Kissing, Living Together, Sharing a Bed, Shower Sex, Intergluteal Sex, Drunken Confessions, Outdoor Sex, Semi-Public Sex, Masturbation, Watching, Unintended Arousal, Untimely Arousal, Everyone Ships Draco/Harry, Domestic, Love Bites, Hickeys, Frottage, Hand Jobs, Sleepy Sex, Mutual Pining, Magical Prick Recovery, Multiple Orgasms, Harry Comes Out, Voyeurism, Accidental Voyeurism Summary:  In which Draco knits, Harry makes wands, and things get very tangled up between them. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Catch and Release by shealwaysreads (onereader) Rated:  Explicit Words:  11293 Tags: Forced Bonding, Wizarding Traditions (Harry Potter), Bonding Spell, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Well - Freeform, Enemies to Forced Bonding to Lovers, Touch Averse Draco Malfoy, also, Touch-Starved Draco Malfoy, THERE WAS ONLY ONE BED, Forced Proximity, Forced Cohabitation, personal boundaries, Bodyguard Harry Potter, Feels, minor harry/omc, Happy Ending, Happy Birthday Tacky!!, Touch-Starved Harry Potter Summary:  Wizarding Britain is changing; a slow integration with the Muggle world has begun, and Draco Malfoy has been summoned from his quiet life crafting wards in France to help. But that’s not what this story is about. This story is about Potter, and magic, and the courage it takes to reach out. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Beautifully Unbound by breath_of_mine (tsundanire) Rated:  Explicit Words:  54933 Tags: Post-Hogwarts, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Post-Second War with Voldemort, Minor Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley, Minor Blaise Zabini/Narcissa Malfoy, BDSM, Praise Kink, Dom/sub, Subspace, Safewords, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Blindfolds, Impact Play, Spanking, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Mental Health Issues, Therapy, Consensual Kink, Light Bondage, Angst, Holidays, Young Teddy Lupin, Mystery, Auror Harry Potter, Accidental Bonding, Bonding, H/D Erised 2018, Community: hd_erised, POV Alternating, Telepathic Bond, Gay Male Character, Bisexual Male Character, Dom Draco Malfoy, Sub Harry Potter, Bearded Harry Potter, Dirty Talk, Blow Jobs, Anal Sex, Gloves, Massage, Sex Toys, Mistletoe, Family Dinners, Misunderstandings, Past Relationship(s) Summary:  Auror Potter is sent on a mission to clear out deadly artifacts from a Death Eater Safehouse with Draco Malfoy. What could possibly go wrong? ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 In Evidence of Magical Theory by bixgirl1 Rated:  Explicit Words:  43747 Tags: Hogwarts Eighth Year, Accidental Bonding, Magical Theory, Magical Cores, Powerful Harry, Rimming, Anal Sex, Anal Fingering, Switching, Slash, HP: EWE, Falling In Love, forced bed sharing, Blow Jobs, completed fic, Bonding, Forced Proximity, Sharing a Bed, First Time, Loss of Virginity Summary:  When a hex meant for Draco accidentally catches Harry as well, they're forced to learn to understand each other in ways they previously might have thought impossible. In which Harry and Draco can't fight, so they fall in love instead. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Awakening by Lomonaaeren Rated:  Explicit Words:  29364 Tags: Bonding, Fluff and Angst Summary:  Draco and Harry have a forced bond. Draco and Harry have trouble getting along. Draco and Harry want freedom from the bond--no, wait, that's only Harry. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Home by gnarf Rated:  Teen and Up Words:  29377 Tags: Post-Hogwarts, Post-Second War with Voldemort, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Minor Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley, Minor Pansy Parkinson/Theodore Nott, Auror Harry Potter, Curse Breaker Draco Malfoy, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Sentient Houses, Magical Theory, Accidental Marriage, Accidental Bonding, Fluff, Getting Together, Banter, First Dates, Kissing, Cuddling & Snuggling, POV Harry Potter, Drinking, H/D Erised 2019 Summary:  When Harry was forced to leave his house because he couldn't take the things happening there any longer, he realised he'd need to ask for help from the best curse breaker the Ministry had to offer—Draco sodding Malfoy. He knew it wouldn't be easy, but nothing could have prepared him for what happened after he finally jumped over his own shadow. A story about an unsolved mystery, a few minor accidents, and finally finding a home. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 The Cupid Incident by meandminniemcg Rated:  Explicit Words:  12663 Tags: Forced Bonding, Cafeteria worker Draco Malfoy, Crimescene specialist Harry Potter, Dubious Consent, wanking, House-elf culture, Witness Protection, Consent Issues, our boys need to learn how to communicate, Happy Ending, Blow Jobs Summary:  Draco gets into the way of a potions attack and can't get Potter out of his head. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Let's not wait for France by gnarf Rated:  Teen and Up Words:  17712 Tags: Hogwarts Eighth Year, Accidental Bonding, Hogwarts Hospital Wing, Kissing, Fluff, Quidditch, Blow Jobs, Study of Ancient Runes (Harry Potter), POV Harry Potter, Sharing Clothes, Sharing a Bed, Feelings, Falling In Love, Alcohol, Drinking, Party, Party Games, Feel-good, H/D Sex Fair 2020, Minor Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley Summary:  All Harry had wanted from his Eighth year at Hogwarts was a little peace and a little privacy but, from the moment that he stepped onto Platform 9 3/4, it was obvious that nothing was ever going to be that easy. An accidental bond with Malfoy that resulted in them having to stay together at all times was the final straw. Things couldn't be worse. So much to a quiet year in Hogwarts. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Telling You Why (Better Watch Out!) by milkandhoney Rated:  Explicit Words:  33429 Tags: Forced Proximity (sort of), POV Draco Malfoy, Hogwarts Eighth Year, Sorting Hats, Romance, Sexual Inexperience, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Resolved Sexual Tension, Smut, Comedy, Angst, Christmas, Post-War, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, 25 Days of Draco and Harry 2018, Advent Fic, Bickering, Curses, Pranks, Involuntary Acts of Kindness, Christmas Tree, Christmas Decorations, Weasley Jumpers, Animate Objects, Magical Theory, Mystery, First Time, Involuntary Acts of Not-so Kindness, Muggle Studies: Christmas Edition, Slow Burn Summary:  Not many people realize Father Christmas has a sorting hat of his own. Why would they? He's the only one who uses it, and only once a year. Draco Malfoy just wants to get through his Eighth Year. He doesn't want to think about Christmas or how Muggles celebrate it, and he certainly doesn't want to think about why Harry Potter won't leave him alone. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Celestial Bodies by shiftylinguini Rated:  Explicit Words:  20307 Tags: Bonding, Accidental Bonding, Auror Partners, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, First Time, Masturbation, Blow Jobs, Oral Sex, Anal Fingering, Telepathy-gasms, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Auror Harry Potter, Auror Draco Malfoy, Forced Proximity, Space Magic Summary:  “An astrological anomaly induced bond,” Harry repeats, deadpan, as the Head Healer of the Magical Malfunctions ward finishes announcing his prognosis. “Space magic,” says Draco, tapping long fingers irritably against the arm of his chair. “You’re saying we’ve been zapped by space magic.” The Healer huffs. “That’s rather simplifying things, gentlemen.” ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Feathers, Fire & Fate by agentmoppet Rated:  Teen and Up Words:  25983 Tags: Veela Draco Malfoy, Unspeakable Harry Potter, Peacock Keeper Draco Malfoy, unusual careers, Banter, Pining, Loneliness, Dreamscapes, Accidental Bonding, Cursed Bonding, Guilt, Soulmates, Drinking, Minor Injuries, H/D Erised 2020, Creature Fic, Cursed Harry Potter, Fate, Dreams, Peacocks, Animals, Animal Sanctuary, Repaying Debt, Veela Mates Summary:  Harry Potter ignites the Veela’s Curse and gets an unwitting Draco Malfoy bonded to him as his executioner… and soulmate. They’ll need to break it quickly, before it takes over, but Potter isn’t the only one running out of time. The sand in the hourglass has nearly fallen, and whichever way this ends, Draco is doomed. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Malfoys Never Get What They Want by cami_soul Rated:  Explicit Words:  13258 Tags: Post-Second War with Voldemort, Hogwarts Eighth Year, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Accidental Bonding, Truth or Dare, Firewhiskey (Harry Potter), Drinking, Fluff and Smut, Sharing a Bed, Explicit Sexual Content, Dubious Consent Due To Accidental Bonding, H/D Erised 2018, Community: hd_erised, Sharing a Room, Albus Dumbledore Lives, Hedwig (Harry Potter) Lives, Kissing, Masturbation, Mutual Masturbation, Shower Sex, Frottage Summary:  Hogwarts has been different this year, at least for Harry Potter and his friends. The school had been rebuilt over the summer and was pretty much back to normal unless you were returning to redo your seventh year. But just as Harry had started to settle comfortably into the school year, weird things had started to happen that Harry could find no explanation for. Draco had started to be nice to him, and then there was that kiss! Harry was just trying to figure things out when he and Draco were accidentally bonded! What will this bond do to the fragile relationship they were forging? ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Three Boxes and a Scrapbook by dracogotgame Rated:  Mature Words:  30493 Tags: mention of divorce, flangst, Bill is a bro Summary:  One year after being accidentally bonded to each other, Harry and Draco are free to move on with their lives. But perhaps, what they needed was here all along. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Chain Me Up or Set Me Free by alpha_exodus Rated:  Explicit Words:  12956 Tags: Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Post-Hogwarts, Accidental Bonding, unbreakable bonds, Forced Proximity, Sharing a Bed, Roommates, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Arguing, Touch-Starved, Anal Sex, Falling In Love, Co-workers, Enemies to Lovers, Brief Mentions of Canon-Typical Child Neglect, Minor Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley, H/D Erised 2020, Person of Color Harry Potter, Oral Sex, Anal Fingering, Apologies, Muggle Technology, unusual careers, POV Draco Malfoy Summary:  This horrid bonding thing is all Potter’s fault, obviously. As for what comes after that? Draco’s not quite sure. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Allegiance by Ladderofyears Rated:  Teen and Up Words:  4021 Tags: Hogwarts Eighth Year, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Accidental Bonding, Magical Accidents, Falling In Love, History of Magic Class (Harry Potter), Hogwarts Library, latin incantations, Getting to Know Each Other, dragon heartstrings, Hogwarts Hospital Wing, Powerful Magic, Blended Friendship Groups, Boys Kissing, Commitment, Love Confessions, Boys In Love, Plans For The Future, Happy Ending, POV Draco Malfoy, Drarropoly: Founders Edition - A Drarry Game/Fest Summary:  When Draco finds himself accidentally - and irreversibly - bonded with Harry Potter he has to rethink his whole life and everything that he thinks he knows. Draco doesn't expect to find love in the process. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Intertwined by bluefay Rated:  Explicit Words:  25086 Tags: Memory Loss, Memory Alteration, Accidental Bonding, Magic Gone Wrong, Post-Battle of Hogwarts, Number Twelve Grimmauld Place, Malfoy Manor, Self-Harm, Dark Mark (Harry Potter), Serious Injuries, But they're not very graphic so don't fret!, Self-Hatred, Angst, Enemies to Lovers, Established Relationship, Sort Of, Anal Sex, Anal Fingering, Blow Jobs, Hate Sex, Childhood Trauma ,Flashbacks, St Mungo's Hospital, Sharing a Bed, Angst with a Happy Ending, First Time, H/D Hurt!Fest 2020 Summary:  On May 3rd, 1998, Draco Malfoy wakes up with no memory of Voldemort, the war, or Harry Potter, his supposed boyfriend. ❤️ Read on AO3

[evilelitest2]

The 40K fandom filling with alt-righters was predictable because GW won't stop rimming the Imperium at the expense of everyone else, original themes included, but how was Warhammer Fantasy going down the same way?

Its a lot more obvious with 40K because its basically been playing footsie with the Alt Right for decades now by openly embracing Neo Nazi symbolizing and imagery (its more complicated than that but i’m bitter).  Warhammer fantasy doesn’t do that, it does draw on Germanic imagery but its more Holy Roman Empire than fascist/Imperial Germany.  But it still has some narratives which appeal to fascists, even though the setting was 100% not designed to appeal to fascists (in fact a lot of the fluff is anti fascist).  So its not deliberate but here are some default assumptions (I actually wrote a paper on this) 

1) The lack of positive Emotions.  Warhammer fantasy is a parody and is designed as a dark comedy, and lets admit that a lot of its fluff is very funny.  But one of the problems with creating a setting where everything sucks and everybody is a bastard, is that it actually encourages the sort of nihilistic understanding of humanity which Neo Fascism (opposed to classic fascism) relies on so much.  This is a world where diplomacy doesn’t work, kindness is foolish, and decency is unrewarded, all that matters is cruel war.  And as a cynic myself, I can appreciate the joke they are going for, but the longer that joke goes on, the more it makes caring about humanity seem foolish.  This also combines with the hatred of cute stuff (see also Doom).  The Entire world view is very adolescent boy, which is about the emotional state of fascism. 

2) For all of the games cynicism, it has a soft spot towards the glory of war.  The world is shitty, incompetent, stupid, cruel, unjust and random, but Warhammer Fantasy tends to depict war as the only transcendental and glorious experience.  This is most exemplified with the Chaos Warriors, who come off as rather noble despite being a faction whose entire existence is defined by war.  Warhammer fantasy mocks many things but never war

3) It very much buys into the “Warrior Culture” myth (Seen also Conan), where some cultures are defined macho and violent opposed to softer and more civilized cultures.  The Northern cultures near the Chaos wastes get this a lot.  These cultures have a very “noble savage” way of writing, especially regarding the Viking/mongol based ones.   

4) The background of the Empire of Man still buys into the conservative perspective of “Things were great in the past, but society steadily fell”.  It actually takes this further because it attributes the fall to decadence, hedonism, and sexual immorality.  I was just reading Historian and conservative shithead Niels Ferguston, who wrote 

“the real threat is posed not by the rise of China, Islam or CO2 emissions, but by our own loss of faith in the civilization we inherited from our ancestors.” and that sort of view about what causes civilizations to fall fits into the Warhammer understanding of history.  In fact if you go unto fascit forums, they often describe the Queer movement, especially trans activism, as Slaanesh worshipers 

5) While Warhammer fantasy is not overtly sexist and I don’t think any of the writers have actual problems with women (though Games workshop is run by Satan) but the way female characters, especially female sexuality are depicted in the series is...telling.  the Dark Elves and Slaanesh worshipers have a very “Sex, especially kinky sex is evil” feel.  Now I don’t think the writers of Warhammer fantasy actually have a reactionary view towards sex and aren’t trying to make a fascist point, but I think that narrative supports the fascist narrative that decadence spiritually damages society.  The genre is super male coded very strongly and tends to buy into macho notions of aethetic (which Warhammer 40k will take much further) 

6) Because warhammer draws so much on real world societies, even by the standards of fantasy, its depiction of those societies is super telling.  The Holy Roman Empire as presented in Warhammer is actually both less complicated and less international than its real world counterpart.  Notably, the real holy Roman Empire actually controlled Spain and through it the New World, meaning it was by far the most ethnically diverse state in the world during the time of the Reformation.  Because its drawing its influence from the Holy Roman Empire rather than more fantastical element (which I will grant gives setting a distinct Aesthetic which I mostly like) it contributes to the warped understanding of “Medievalism” which the Far Right takes advantage of.  This is a problem with most fantasy and Warhamer is not alone here, but a lot of people’s default understanding of the Medieval/early modern Era is shaped more via fantasy than by an actual understanding of the era.  Notable the intellectual, cultural, artistic...really any non military part of history.  Which unfortunately is how a lot of people view the pre modern world, as just military history, which lends itself to conservatism.  

7) Its Euro Centric as fuck.  That is normal for most fantasy but because Warhammer is so balatant about its real life inspiration, the absence is notable.  You have Fantasy France and Fantasy Holy Roman Empire, but you are missing the North African states, the Caliphate, and probalby most important of all, the Ottoman Empire, the greatest Rival to the Holy Roman Empire.  The Holy Roman Empire and the Ottoman Empire had a century long series of wars/rivarlys/hatefucking relationship which is just absent.  There is mention of a China based nation (Cathay really?) and some sort of Muslim power (Arabay) which the setting doesn’t care about and nobody ever visits.  The new World exists, but the native Americans have been replaced by Dark Elves and Lizard People.  You are even loss most of the real like ethnic diversity, their are new Jews and the Romani are confined to the Romania inspired vampire setting and basically exist as Bram Stoker people who dabble in dark magic.  And the ogres (one of my favorite factions btw) have a very oriental visual design, which would be fine if there were actual asians in the setting.  All of the non human races except the Chaos dwarves tend to look white or entirely alien which compounds this problem 

8) The notion of cults.  The Witch Hunters in Warhammer Fantasy play much the same role as the Inquisition who targeted Protestants, “Witches”  (and in Spain at least) Muslims and Jews.  Basically the inquisition was just an exercise in cruelty that just targeted entirely innocent people.  In the Warhammer world, Daemon cults are real and the brutal methods of the inquisitions are largely justified, they kill a lot of innocents but they also destroy a lot of cults.  This one is something I’m kinda mixed on, because the presence of evil cults dedicated the forces of hell is fun and it is a great plot for adventure, but it has the unintended side effect of making the notion of secret societies dedicated to profane rites seem less silly.  Look at how Alt Rightists talk about the supposed leaders of the left, its language that is used to describe the cults in warhammer, I mean the Pizzagate conspiracy theory/Qanon conspiracy theory feel like people talking about Slaanesh and Tzeentch cults 

9) Finally, the cynical nature of the setting, combined with its pro war narrative creates a world view where the world is corrupt, cruel, and unfair, the vast majority of people are ignorant morons and the nobles are decadent have weird sexual kinks.  the only things holding the forces of hell at bay are the thuggish sadistic cruel soldiers who regularly indulge in torture and murder of civilians, and it is with these people you must trust.  Its a brutal world where the only appropriate response is more brutality, which in addition to being ahistorical (the Early modern period was more than just war) but fits the fascist world view.  The world is terrible and the only thing you can have faith in is a bunch of German war criminals with a fetish for eagles and skulls.  Anybody trying to challenge that world view is either a Daemon Cultist or a naive idiot who is going to be taken over by a Daemon cultist.  

(very Wagner) 

Again, Warhammer Fantasy is not deliberate fascists, in fact there is a LOT in the material which rejects fascism but there is a lot of thoughtless assumptions that confirms their world view.  

Also I never played/read Age of Sigmar so i don’t know if this carries over 

[violet-knox]

ok then! im actually high functioning(but still autistic), which would infer that im A: more able to control my anxiety/emotions, etc. or B: very intelligent, understands things quite well that others doesn't seem to as much. there are some downfalls to that, though... Im kinda both of those things. dm me if you will (I can't right now, my email's acting up)

Imagine Severus Finding Out That You’re Autistic

Word Count: 1038

A/N: Oh man, this took way longer than I thought it would. I’m soooooo sorry for how long this has been sitting in my inbox (same with the anon who sent the request after this one). Life has been especially hard lately 🙈 Anyways, hope you enjoy, who knows when I’ll find time to post next 😂

The reader is a Metamorphmagus and the story is based off of a story that Professor I mentioned a while ago told my class on day. More about that in the tags.

- He’d never have known if you hadn’t told him. You were always soput together, he’d looked up to how strong you were, how you’d always providedhim with such support, both in his lab when discussing potions and in your ownpersonal chambers. It never occurred to him you had your own struggles to dealwith.

- He was shocked that you feltcomfortable enough to open up about the struggles you had when you were young,how you’d be made fun of for misinterpreting a situation or the simple act of acurious question hitting the nerves of those you’d called friends, just likehim. 

- How you’d like to expressyourself through the colour of your hair. Purple for ecstatic. Green for happy.Blue for sadness. Red for anger. Black for depressed. How inattentive had he beento miss this? To miss your attempt at communicating how you felt to the rest ofthe world, to him. 

- He felt guilty for snappingat you not moments ago as you’d reach up to swipe away the tears dripping fromhis eyes. Once again, you’d misinterpreted the situation when you’d walked into find him on the floor, hunched over a torn photograph and once again you’dtaken the wrong action, unsympathetically asking why his face waswet.  

- He’d take back those awfulwords he’d spat if he could. He’d take them back and replace them with wordsfilled with nothing less than love and devotion. 

- The truth was, he understoodhow you felt more than anyone. How many times had he wronged Lily andmisunderstood her? How many times did he say the wrong thing or act the wrongway? Too many to count. 

- “I’m sorry,” you whispered,sitting next to him. Your frown spoiling the soft colour of your cheeks, yourslouch ruining that beautiful figure hidden under your robe. “I didn’tmean to sound unsympathetic.”

- It hurt to see you so upset,to see the look on your face when he’d shouted at you. Your curious eyeswidening in shock as you struggled to understand how a simple question couldlead to such a reaction. 

- Severus shock his head inshame. “It’s not your fault,” he’d say as he took your hand in both ofhis, gently closing them around yours. You were his support system and never inhis life had he felt this way about someone. Things with the Dark Lord wouldonly get worse from here and he knew he’d be doomed if he let you go. Hewanted nothing more than to sit here in this room (with the door bolted shut)for the rest of life, holding your hand in his and leaning into whatevercomfort you’d be willing to offer him. 

- “You should have toldme.” He spoke softly with the gentlest of touches as if you were glass about toshatter. The guilt was a lot to deal with but more than anything, he was hurtyou hadn’t trusted him enough to open up as you had now, as he’d done in thepast. He did his best to understand, and he realized how importantcommunication would be in your relationship, but it was hard not to takeoffence.

- He was in a vulnerable place,his emotions going haywire when that torn picture of Lily fell out of hisdrawer. His vision blurring with tears as he remembered all the hurt he’dcaused her, everything he’d lost and the poor choices he’d made all those yearsago. He needed you to walk in and comfort him, tell him it would be alright,that he was making it up to her now with all the work he’d been doing for theOrder. But instead of the reassurance he craved, he was met with unintendeddismissal the moment his eyes met yours. 

- “I didn’t want to scare youaway.” Your voice shriveled as memories of your peers distancing themselvesfrom you swept through your mind. You were always a quick learner, and this wasno exception. You’d learned then and there that any sign of abnormality onlyseparated you from others. You were the house freak. The only one who couldnever get behind social constructs. How were you to know how to read a person’semotions? Humans were much more complex than a simple book, flipping through thepages with ease. That had been made very clear to you. 

- You’d accepted that you’d neverunderstand the world as a whole. Truthfully, you weren’t sure anyone truly did.But you’d never let your autism hold you back before. Not with your job and notwith your last eight months with Severus. 

- Your last relationship wasquite the rollercoaster; he was never really there for you and finding outabout your autism just put that last nail in the coffin for you both. It wasn’ta big lose, but you missed that sliver of support he’d provided you. Theability to talk to someone about your day, or just hold one another when youwere feeling down. 

- It was different withSeverus. He was cold at first, much more resistant to your interest in him. Butin the end, his warmth became your latch to the world. His support, the abilityto run into his arms after a hard day, the feeling of his fingers runningthrough your hair. The comfort, the joy you felt was something you were willingto fight for, even if that meant keeping all of yourself from him. 

- In hindsight, not tellingSeverus everything about you was probably a big lapse in judgement, but seeing thatphotograph he clutched in his hand and the sorrow he emitted through his words,he hadn’t told you everything about himself either. 

- Transparency was hard andhe’d told himself he’d do better with you. This diagnosis wasn’t going to stophim from loving you, nor would it come between your growth as a couple.Tomorrow he’d read up on autism and get to know how it affects you. Tomorrowhe’d find a way to help you. Tomorrow, he’d do better than he had tonight.

[weekendwarriorblog]

30 Minute Experiment: Love #30ME

I decide to tackle one of the tougher #30ME topics today just because I took a few unintended days off over the weekend, and I don’t want to feel like I’ve been slacking off. Also, I don’t want to use up all the Pink Floyd titles with weeks more to go in this experiment, so I’m moving on to names of British bands, the name of one of my favorite British’s band’s albums... and well, that’s about as far as I can take this joke. But yes, today I’m gonna talk about LOVE. And it’s not even Valentine’s Day! (That seems so long ago, doesn’t it?)

Yeah, I have a very weird personal history with love and maybe since I haven’t been married or been any sort of long-time relationship (I think 3 months is my longest), some could say that I don’t really know what love is... or one of a dozen other clichés about love that I probably have heard way too many times. I’m gonna try to avoid some of them in the 30 minutes I have to write about a very tough topic.

If you’ve been reading these since I started them a little over a month ago, you might remember one called “Mixed Emotions” and that partially was a little bit on the subject, because I feel that “love” comes in degrees just like everything. It might surprise some (oh, he’s kidding... A LOT) of people that I feel that i’m someone who is very much filled with love, maybe more than any other emotion a human is capable of feeling. (I’d like to think that my nickname of “Ed Doom” was meant to be totally ironic, by the way.) 

But there are degrees to “Love” and while there are many people I love in the 1 to 3 out of 10 range, there are very few on the higher end of that spectrum, but those who rate an 8 to 10 in terms of how much I love them, they are people who I will be loyal to for the rest of their or my own life, because maybe they did something so generous or selfless to help me that it’s hard not to love them.  And frankly, I would think that maybe 1 or 2% of the people who I love that much even realize it because love is one of those things we rarely talk, at least when there isn’t some sort of sexual reward. Since I don’t really think in that regard anymore, it makes it even harder to deal with my feelings of love towards others, because I almost always feel like I have to keep it to myself just so things don’t get weird.

Oh, yeah, and I will let you know now that I rarely use the words, “I love you” except maybe to my mother or immediate family and that might be due to my own mostly bad experiences with the word “love” and the fact that in most of my younger life, it led to a lot of rejection and worse when I had to realize that another person would probably never love me as much as I love them. 

I’m not really sure why so many of the people I know are able to find love and the person they want to spend their entire life, while I have found very few people who I can even stand spending an entire day with them. Maybe it’s just part of why I continue to be so moody later in life, but during these troubled times, I’ve found myself thinking about love and my love for others and trying to find other ways to show it without seeming either clingy or needy (which I’m really not naturally just because I know how to appease my mood with music and other things, like writing.)

It’s kind of amazing how few people talk about love except when talking about spouses, immediate family or kids. It’s almost as if “love” is a bad word, and considering how many actual bad words there are out there these days, it’s a shame that one of the greatest feelings one can have has to be hidden away so much as to “not get weird.”

If you haven’t figured it out by reading some of my non-movie writing, I’m a born and quite hopeless romantic. I always have been even as I got away from the idea of dating in any shape or form, but a lot of that is due to the many bad experiences I’ve had when I was trying to date and maybe “take things to the next level.” (What an awesome euphemism, THAT is, huh?)

I guess I’m one of the few people on the planet who has always equated the act of sex with some form of love, and I’ve never been someone who might get drunk and fall into bed with someone even remotely fabric. I always feel like I need to have a deeper connection or some feeling inside that makes me want to even spend any of my precious sleep time sharing a bed with anyone. I realize now how crazy that might seem but maybe I’m just a bit more old-fashioned than many of my friends or colleagues. 

I’ve actually been amazed by some of my friends who have found spouses or long time partners and how hard they work on making all things work out, and I guess I can understand that. I doubt there’s anyone on the planet who ever really truly wants to be alone or at least feel alone. Everyone wants to believe that there’s someone out there for them, but I’ve long ago contended with the fact that I may be my own worst enemy (as seen by my decision to write so much personal and intimate details about my life and sharing them with the world) but also my best friend and even the best person to keep me feeling loved.

Listen, I’ll be the first person to admit my weaknesses and the fact that there are things I’m not good at, but I will never say that I’m not good at loving others, whether it be family, friends, etc. I just have a harder time expressing the feeling of love, because it’s led to so much disappointment and frustration over my many years. 

While I think I’m doing pretty good with this topic so far, I realized just now that I’m only halfway through my time for the day and I’m going to have to find a lot more to say about love or else I’ll have to consider today’s #30ME a failure. (I’m also my own worst editor!)

So I’m going to take a moment to think for a bit before continuing this essay on “love,” so it doesn’t seem like a whole lot of rambling, which it probably is.

I know what I can talk about. How we each, as individuals, discover our own personal meaning of the word “love.”  It’s kind of amazing that as kids we’re just so good at loving other, whether it’s our parents or pets or classmates, but as we continue in this world, it becomes a lot harder and even frowned upon to express open acts of love. No, I’m not talking about the actions like hugging and shoulder rubs that have been turned into such awful things in recent year, when in fact, hugging people is a GREAT expression of love and it’s one of the most comforting things you can give or receive. Sadly, hugging, which was already frowned upon in recent years is now seemingly unimaginable since we’re all being told to stay “6 feet apart” and no one knows how long that’s gonna last. 

I don’t think anyone I know would consider me a hugger, but in fact, I’ve never been shy about giving or accepting a hug when the opportunity arrives, although I definitely have more than a few friends that I know better than to even suggest an embrace. People are just so weird about hugging nowadays just as so many people on the planet seem to feel awkward or uncomfortable about expressing love even in the most simple way.

Oddly, pet owners have it a little easier because when you have a cat or dog, it’s perfectly fine to snuggle with it and there are many ways that you can show love, from feeding them ... to allowing them to take up space in your bed.

I may have to go off on a little tangent here because as much as I love animals, particularly cats, I’ve ALWAYS been weird about sharing a bed or even a room with a cat. It’s a long story and I feel that I’d be filibustering if I get into it here, so maybe sometime down the road I’ll dedicate a full 30 minutes to pets. 

But yeah, it’s pretty obvious why a few of my friends have small dogs or cats that they bring with them as comfort pets because while people can constantly disappoint you, animals can only do so by doing something like pooping or peeing on your clothes. I mean, i think people could do that, too, but hopefully you’re able to vet those people out of your life before you get too seriously into a relationship with them.

I may be rambling a bit here now, but I guess it’s important for me to discuss this topic so that people out there who do have spouses/partners, children or pets know what some of the rest of us have to go through when we’re isolated and have absolutely no access to any sort of physical contact or expressions of love to keep us going. 

It feels almost unnecessary to express how important love is and why it’s important to have an outlet for that love, even if in my case, I put all of my love (and other emotions) into writing and never feel comfortable sharing my “love” with others who I truly do love. I mean, I’ve written love letters before... something I would NEVER recommend considering the outcome of most of them... but sometimes, putting something down in the writing is the only way to express how you’re really feeling. In my case, needing to express some of my feelings may have led me to being a writer, although you would probably never known that from any of my public writing which has mostly been critical or analytical. 

So yeah, I will end today’s #30ME a little early to give you some to reflect on the above words. I hope that the next time you think of another person you love (whether it’s someone close to you or someone very far away) you’ll reconsider expressing that love in some way that might make someone feel more loved. It’s something we desperately now if it wasn’t obvious from the world wide pandemic that is effectively pushing people further and further apart.

Time’s up... back tomorrow!