#WELL DAMN GUESS I DIDN'T NEED A HEART ANYWAYS/J

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #092

(taken december 23rd last year; uploading surveys taken while gone)

Have you ever fallen asleep with the last person you kissed? Ye, many times.

Have you ever suspected anyone of cheating on you? No.

What was the best memory made this year? Honestly probably just a morning where Girt had stayed the night and didn't have work that morning, the one where it was lightly storming outside and we just cuddled and snoozed in bed 'til like afternoon. I couldn't remember the last time I'd been that calm and content.

Who is someone you wish you could wake up to everyday? Girt, and this past weekend really shoved in my face JUST how badly I want that and how ready I am for that.

Who did you last cry in front of? Girt, but not because of something he did. I started crying because he was and it tore my fuckin heart open because I'd never seen or heard him cry before.

Have you ever had a true one-night stand? Nope.

How well do you handle criticism? BADLY unless you are REALLY gentle. I'm pretty inevitably gonna feel embarrassed and inadequate, no matter what, but that doesn't mean at all that I never want criticism anyway.

Would you like to date someone a lot purer than you? No.

Has a stranger ever offered to buy you a drink? No.

If you were to decide now that you wanted to get drunk, what alcohol is available in your house? Uh I actually don't know if we have any.

What kind of music does your significant other/crush like to listen to? Mostly what I do, but he's able to enjoy heavier stuff than I like, too. There comes a point where like, heavy death metal and stuff just becomes pure, incomprehensible noise to me instead of music.

When was the last time you ate cake? What type of cake was it? Girt's sister's bday celebration almost a week ago, it was some chocolate thing with caramel and maybe peanut butter? I can't remember. It was decent.

Who did you have your first kiss with? Do you remember what colour his/her eyes were? Jason. His eyes are brown.

Whose Facebook timeline did you post on most recently? Uh, I think my brother's wife's? I dropped her a birthday message.

Are there any themes from TV shows that you like to sing along to? Not that I can think of; I just don't really sing a lot at all.

Do you eat dessert after dinner? Pretty much never.

Does anyone send you messages to say good morning or goodnight? Girt, sometimes. He's more likely to say good morning than goodnight, though.

Who were the last people you had a group conversation with on Facebook? Oh jeez I have NO idea.

Who was the last person you took a photo of? Uhhhh... I don't really know?? Probably myself, I guess.

What was the last thing that stressed you out? I just need to be a better adult. I'm proud of myself and think I genuinely did pretty damn well without Mom here for almost a week, but still. I just want/need to be a properly independent, productive adult.

Would you consider adoption? For me personally, no. If I ever do have a kid, I need that biologically connection to be a proper parent and I know that.

Was New Years enjoyable? Hasn't come yet, but I think this year will be nice. Girt is coming over NYE if he doesn't have to work, I told him I'd never had a New Year's kiss before and I wanted one lmfao. Extremely high odds are I'm not even gonna be up that late, I'm too old for staying up past midnight these days. 😭 Also thinking of asking Mom if we can make margaritas or something.

Have you ever had a crush on someone “too young” for you? I can safely say I have not.

Do you try to wear dresses whenever you can? I haven't worn a dress (which even then I looked hideous in) since my sister got married and I was a bridesmaid, sooo definitely not. I'd LIKE to wear dresses if I actually liked my body and shaved my legs...

Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with a J, S, Z, N, L? J and S.

Has a boyfriend/girlfriend ever put alcohol/drugs before you? No, I absolutely would not tolerate that.

When will your next kiss be? I don't really know. Girt and his family WERE gonna come here for dinner Christmas Eve, in which case I certainly would've kissed him, but now Taylor (his best friend that currently lives with him) has Covid for the THIRD time and Girt doesn't want to risk it spreading to my family. I'm hoping he doesn't catch it.

Who was the last person in bed with you? Girt.

Are you trying to avoid liking somebody at the moment? Man it is WAY too late for that, lately I've been trying to calm my emotions the fuck down because of how much I love him. Relationships never fail to shove in my face how attached I get to people and how steeply and seriously I fall in love with people. It is honest to god a daily struggle to remind myself I can't lose myself again in this relationship.

Who was the last non-relative woman you spoke to in person? Girt's mom and sister.

How do you feel when you’re the center of attention? I sincerely want to literally disappear, like I'd melt into the floor if I could.

Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? No, thankfully.

Do you hate your weight? I hate my weight maybe more than I hate anything else about myself. I've lost a little bit of weight in the past week or so, but it doesn't mean much to me anymore; all my weight EVER does no matter what I do is teeter back and forth a bit.

Have you ever struggled with a mental illness? I'm diagnosed with and absolutely experience multiple, and they all have agonizingly large impacts on how I experience life, so yes.

Serious question, peanut butter or Nutella? I think Nutella tastes better, but it's suuuuper rare I use it; we're much more likely to have just peanut butter.

Do you like breadsticks? Hunny I will ANNIHILATE breadsticks omfg.

Have you ever had to take care of an intoxicated person? No. There has been one occasion where I felt like I kinda shoulda though: this one time Colleen was drunk off her ASS when I lived with her, like she was so out of it that she called her husband at work to ask him if she could get high off of weed her sister's idiotic boyfriend had the AUDACITY to bring into her apartment without permission (problematic because weed was and still is illegal here). Thankfully she didn't go that far, but she was SO fuckin gone and eventually all I wanted was to go to sleep (at this time I was going to the partial hospitalization program that requried us leaving quite early in the morning bc it was far away), and I did. Apparently she'd thrown her guts up all night, now that I mention it I don't know how on earth she was able to drive me 45 minutes away.

Do you ever use sleep as a way to cope with bad moods? Honestly, yes. It's a common technique for me really, mostly because it usually DOES improve my mood at least a bit. It feels like a reset button for me a lot of the time.

Have you ever felt bombarded by major life events? God no, my life is so uneventful.

Have you ever been in a relationship or friendship in which you were clearly more into it than the other person? And it's a big reason I cut her out of my life.

If you ever imagine leaving where you live now, where do you imagine going? Western NC, in the mountains. It's what I really, really want when it comes to living somewhere.

Have any of your friends ever cheated on somebody? Yes.

Do you know any songs that have your name in it? Uh, I don't think so, but it's possible.

Who are the most popular sports teams where you live? Do you cheer for them? Uh, idk. That I can think of quickly, Carolina Panthers and Carolina Hurricanes.

Is your dream job attainable? I don't fucking know what I want anymore dude.

Can you remember the last song you listened to? Yeah bc I have music on rn, I'm listening to "Not The American Average" by Asking Alexandria.

What letter does your surname begin with? D.

What is your favourite flavour of Skittles? RED.

Have you ever met a famous political figure? Nope.

What foreign languages did your high school offer? Only Spanish and French had classes with a teacher present, while there were many, many others offered via online classes, which I opted for with Latin and then German.

Do you know anyone you would consider racist? I know PLENTY, given where I live. There are an alarming amount of people in the south who are and that don't even PRETEND they're not.

Are you more afraid of spiders or bees? Bees, honestly.

What’s the longest you’ve stood in line at a store’s cash register? Oh hell if I know, probably at the bare minimum 45 minutes when I was younger or something around the holidays.

Do you have your own computer? I have my own laptop.

Do you drink a lot of soda? Not anymore, no! I do have an awful craving for it today, though.

Are tomatoes the best food in the world? lol I hate tomatoes

What’s your favorite type of pizza? Honestly just like, pepperoni with a pan crust. Or meat lovers. I'm super healthy in what I favor, I know.

Have you ever asked a friend to ask someone else out for you? No, but I do remember Colleen playing some role in me and Aaron getting together in middle school. She knew I liked him, and one day we ran into each other in the hall on the way out of school and she kinda like, pushed us into each other I guess. I wonder what the hell he's up to these days, he dropped Facebook forever ago. Last I knew I believe he'd become public about being gay.

Have you ever given up on someone before? Yes, and by now I'm glad I did, in both instances I can think of.

What did you dream about last night? Actually early this morning I think I was dreaming I was in the Wings of Fire universe or something similar, I was a dragon and having fun flying but APPARENTLY I was being loud and restless about it so Mom woke me up thinking I was starting a nightmare lmfao.

Does your house have a basement? No, I've actually never lived in a house with a basement.

Would you date someone 10+ years older than you? I think 10 years older is my limit, and even then I'd REALLY have to be into the person.

How many children do you want/have? No more than two, if I even have kids, but honestly I can't confidently say anymore that I *absolutely* don't want them. Same shit that happened with Jason is happening with Girt when it comes to kids.

Were you ever a flower girl or ring bearer in anyone’s wedding when you were little? No.

Do you own or rent your home? My mom rents, and our landlord (who is technically a family friend and was so way before being our landlord) always holds it over her head about how wonderful of a person she is and it drives my mother FUCKING insane. She can barely stand her anymore, and neither can I.

Have you ever worn a costume for any reason other than Halloween? For dance performances, yes.

Have you ever been a caregiver to a sick/disabled relative? No.

What are your plans for tomorrow? Honestly kinda fucking dreading tomorrow because Mom thinks she should invite Tobey (aforementioned friend/landlord) over to dinner for Christmas. Tobey is so goddamn convinced she's a member of this family and basically Mom's mom (I'm not fucking kidding, this woman constantly needs to know where Mom is and if she's okay, and if Mom doesn't answer a text, she's messaging my sister Ashley) and is just so forceful about including herself in our lives, and we're all tired of it. Mom knows if she DOESN'T invite Tobey over soon, she's going to bring it up and how horribly it hurt her ever-so-tender fuckin' feelings.

Do you prefer female or male doctors? Females by an aggressive longshot. I absolutely fucking *refuse* to have a male gyno.

What’s one lie that’s been told about you? Jason and I magically had a baby in high school.

How was your self-esteem when you were growing up? Honestly, it was fine. Then in middle school everything just started to shift and change in negative ways.

Are you going to be getting any new pets soon? I suppose it's possible, Mom knows I've been wanting another snake so maybe she'll give me the okay on Christmas. I do doubt it, though.

Are you currently fighting with someone? Nope.

Do you hang out with your sibling’s friends? No.

Have you ever kept anything wild as a pet? As a kid I briefly kept a red-eared slider turtle that was in our yard, which I now know was illegal because they're an invasive species here, lol oops. Even as a kid though I didn't keep it permanently, I came to accept I didn't have the proper setup or knowledge to care for ANY turtle and released him into a pond that was down the road from our house. Word of warning, you are NOT supposed to release an animal into a habitat that wasn't its original home, but at the very least it is very likely that it's where this turtle came from.

Is there anything you’d protect with your life? My immediate family for sure, Girt without a fucking doubt, as well as his mom, sister, and I know his nephew too. I know I'd take a bullet for Mazzy and Tez, as well.

Ever had sex? Only oral sex but I definitely don't equate that to *actual* sex.

What’s the meanest thing you’ve ever done? Don't.

What's the weirdest thing you’ve ever seen? A guy in drag jogging beside the highway in the middle of Raleigh. I don't at all find men - or anyone - in drag weird, but seeing an individual in drag here just by the road is incredibly odd, nevermind while jogging.

What’s your sexuality? I say pan, but I'm not 100% sure that it's totally accurate, and I don't think I ever WILL know unless I have truly sexual relations with a feminine person. I know with total certainty I'm at the bare minimum queer, though, because I'm well aware I'm visually attracted to women and other feminine individuals.

What’s the last lie you told? Uhhhh I'm honestly not sure.

What’s an unpopular opinion you have? Preface: I fully believe we have visited the moon by this point, multiple times. HOWEVER, the "first" moon landing I believe quite firmly was faked simply to make America look "better" and "more capable" than Russia; I swear if you actually read up on it and look at visual evidence, you can't NOT see that many things just don't line up and are very suspicious.

If you could live with anyone, who would it be? Girt. This past weekend made me realize I'm ready for that like, now. I admitted it to my mom when we were talking about how things went while she was in Tennessee, and she pointed out that I have to work more on being independent, which I absolutely know, and I really am trying to just be a better adult so I can BE a good partner to live with.

[chocoenvy]

Becuz she likes to see how others would love where she could not

OH

OH I ALREADY ANSWERED THE POST YOU- YOU MADE IT ANGSTY???????? IM-

she wonders how others love when she has none, wonders how people have evolved and changed from the last time she loved someone. And she misses it... it's ingrained in her to love. But she can't and she wont. Because nothing good has come about of love.

[koko-bopp]

Like I Need You

jeong yuno x male!reader

word count - 1K

genre - the holy Trinity of angst, sex and fluff

warning(s) - mature-ish, friends with benifits, fwb to lovers, self-doubt, minor friendzoning

synopsis - you've had this kind of relationship with Jaehyun for a while; the whole friends with benifits thing, and even despite the fact, you two maintain a healthy friendship. However, while all this is happening; Jaehyun kind of wants more. {Also very briefly inspired by like I need you by keshi}

A loud moan swept past your lips, your body shook at the response of Jaehyun calling you his good boy as his hands bruised the sides of your hips. His mouth was on your neck, ravishing up the skin like it had been untouched even though you two were in this position not less than four days ago.

"Fuck, you're so good for me," Jaehyun just couldn't get his hands off of you, and honestly, the feeling was mutual; you had a hand in his hair as the other was clawing his back; your nails sinking into the skin of his shoulder; hearing him whince and digging his fingers into his hips even harder was your response.

He didn't remember how tonight's meeting started, his only goal involved making you feel as sexually satisfied as possible; wanting to hear you moan his name, leave hickeys, bruises and scratches on his body and he'd happily do the same for you, look at him with lust-driven expressions with your tongue sticking out just to get him more riled up.

"J-Jae! Oh my god, I'm gonna–" You moaned, and ended up letting out a broken chuckle at the end of it as you felt Jaehyun smirk against your neck. You shut your eyes tight and allowed yourself to release onto yourself and Jaehyun, the orgasm hard enough to make your knees buckle and give you that sense of ecstacy.

Jaehyun let out a string of grunts and groans as he came, his breathing uneven for the duration before he looked at you through tired eyes, grinning at your, too, fucked out expression. He pulled out carefully, and even after you hadn't moved from his lap.

You had you mouth agape and just a bit of saliva falling from your tongue as you wiped your bottom lip with it, the dryness of constantly breathing from your mouth from how exhilarating this whole... experience was. You manage to catch your breath, only a little, but you smiled down at Jaehyun, "Wanna tell me again that I wouldn't be able to ride you?"

Jaehyun shook his head, closing his eyes for that moment before opening them to respond to you, his hands how having a softer grip on you as they moved up to support your back, "Not at all, I take back what I said, you– man, you just did all that so well."

You giggled, using the back of your hand to push away the hair that was stuck on Jaehyun's forehead and move it back with the rest of the lovely strands of hair.

It made Jaehyun nervous, because you were treating him like a lover, not that you can tell, because this thing has been going on for three months now;

The whole; 'bet-you-can't-[insert sexual act]'

İt was all fun and games, there was no competitive or aggressive nature to it, it was more like a gentle nudge to get one to sleep with the other.

Because usually if your friend said with clear indication of his statement being a joke; 'damn, you got a small mouth, bet you couldn't fit anything bigger than a Pocky stick in there' you wouldn't offer him a blowjob to prove him wrong.

Or maybe you would, but in this case, you did.

It just continued. You two would just visit each other with the intention of just watching a Disney movie only for Jaehyun to be on top of you right before the credits roll in.

This whole experience was definitely fun, but it made Jaehyun confused.

Because unknown to you, Jaehyun really likes you.

It wasn't just when you'd moan his name he'd feel a sense of pride; it would be when you'd pick him over the other boys when you needed help with something; he knew you could wrap any man you wish around your finger and yet he was always the one you wanted.

Sometimes the guys would talk about who they found attractive and make a few comments about what they liked about them, then you'd jokingly say that Jaehyun was the only guy you needed. It would make the brunet joyous as hell, but it was a joke, so he'd do his best not to get to him.

'Guys like Jaehyun are my type', you'd once said. Well, what was wrong with him? Guys that are 'like' him? Similar but not exact? What the hell does that even mean?

There were still guys you flirted with, dudes you'd gone out with, men who'd allow to touch you but never in the ways and with the intentions that Jaehyun had, but then these gentlemen would finally take the courage step to shoot their shot; but you always turn them down. Claiming they weren't the one you wanted.

Jaehyun loved touching you, feeling you and kissing you; placing his hands on your skin, leaving marks for the next guy who tries to make a move,

Maybe you think about him the way he does about you.

"What's wrong, baby?" You ask, you hadn't looked at him directly, still gently pushing the hair back that was making its way forward consecutively, but you'd seemed to notice Jaehyun lost in thought as he stared at you.

Jaehyun's heart stared racing, not the kind when you'd make the first move to climb onto his lap; but the nervous, uncovering of a secret kind.

He shook his head, smiling at you, "It's nothing," he said, "You don't have to worry."

"Of course I do," you sympathised, "What kind of friend would I be?"

Jaehyun swallowed hard. Friend? Was that all he was to you?

That, he wasn't sure why, but it really hurt. He dropped his gaze at you, desperately trying to look somewhere else as his mind dwelled on the word.

You noticed the behaviour, moving your hand down to his cheek so he could look at you. You had a pout on your lip, and Jaehyun wanted to lean up at kiss it, but he stopped himself as you spoke; "Are you gonna tell me?"

Jaehyun swallowed the lump in his throat, he was struggling to look at you, but he tried his best anyway. "[Y/N]...?" He started then stopped himself, hesitant.

"Yes, Jaehyun," you continued.

"Are we.. just friends if we're fucking?"

It took you my surprise, you were kind of hoping that he'd bring it up, because you didn't have it in you to as the same question. "Where's this coming from?" You ask. It was a little unexpected, especially right after one of your sessions, but you smiled softly at Jaehyun, then leaned forward to place your forehead on his, your hand on his cheek falling down to his shoulder as you spoke through half-lidded eyes, "Only if you want it to be."

No way.

He pulled apart, mainly out of shock, he was expecting a 'i like it the way it is' or a 'lets keep it like this', because you're you, you wouldn't turn him down harshly, and he would just accept it the way it is because he's not a jerk. But he earned it vaugely what he wanted to hear. "What? [Y/N], are you–?"

You've kind of always had a crush on him, part of you just didn't believe that the feeling was mutual, so you never knew of you should've been allowed to act on it, even if a few of his friends were telling you to do so, you were still unsure, so you hid behind your feelings with comments of uncertainty.

Your cheeks felt hot at his reaction, and partly because you taking small steps to get to the main message was becoming so much easier yet so much difficult. You shrugged softly, "Yeah, I guess I am," you said shyly, "And I think we've been doing this enough to ask you to be my boyfriend." You your playing with the cross earing that was hanging from Jaehyun's earlobe as a distraction, avoiding the grin on his face.

"So, are you going to ask?" Jaehyun teases.

"I donno," You respond, beyond flustered, "Are you going to accept?"

"Of course," Jaehyun rolls his eyes, placing a kiss on the skin of your cheek.

Wow, after being reluctant for months on end.

He got what he was hoping for.

[mrsmaybankhere]

Still want you - JJ MAYBANK X READER

hello loves

you can call me Den and this is my first JJ Maybank fic and god how much i enjoyed to write it!!i hope you like it and sorry for any mistakes, english is not my first language.

also i got inspired to write this by the song named “Still want you” by ZHU. I think the lyrics really match JJ in the show as well and i love it

i really wanna hear your true opinion on it or you can send me requests because i will def write them as soon as i can!!

xx

"I should be so hurt

'Cause your rejection is so obvious..."

You walk down the beach, waching the big waves and John B and JJ riding them with laughs imprinted on their stupid faces you love so much. Kie and Sarah are there as well, standing on the hot sand with their swimsuits on, so as you approach them you take off your shirt and short pants, doing the same with your pair of black Vans. You glared at your boyfriend, but he seemed like he didn't was aware of your presence yet. He was laughing, standing on the surf board and getting lost into the waves, his wet blonde hair a mess on his head. You were staring, but you just couldn't help yourself. After a year of friendship and three months of relationship, he still have the power to leave you speechless with how amazing he is.

"Stop drolling, [Y/N]" Kie says laughing and you and Sarah imediatelly laugh with her, you having a bashful smile on your pink lips as you push a piece of hair behind your ear. You fell really damn hard for JJ Maybank.

While you were talking with the girls about the turtles and saving them after the hurricane from three days ago, John B and JJ got out of the water and approached you. But you frown in surprise and confusion as you send JJ a big ass smile, excited to finally have his presence next to you and he only waved at you, walking right into the Chateau after.

"What's wrong with him?" Sarah asked with a frown and you don't know what to say. You just let your fingers into sand and looked away from their confused glares. You are just as confused as they are.

"I wish I would know too.."

"John B?" Kie says with a raising eyebrow, looking at the boy who was surprisingly silent.

He just shrug while pulling Sarah closer to his wet body.

"Hey, don't look at me like that! don't know anything."

You didn't really trusted him, but you tried to ignore the knot that is growing inside your stomach.

"It's just a JJ thing. He will come around, don't worry [Y/N]."

But how could you? How could you not worry about JJ when that's your job? Taking care of his impulsive ass.

"Damn, who pissed in JJ's bong?" Pope asked with a frown as he approached you and the Pogues laughed a bit. He was just walking out of the Chateau and JJ didn't even saw him, almost catching him between the door and the wall.

You wanted to laugh too and you tried to, but it seemed so fake.

"And I feel stupid and I cry

And I cry and I cry and I cry..."

Days later, JJ's mood became something more than that. He was avoiding you and everyone saw it. The pogues keep telling you to have no worries, that this is something he always does and it was partially true. He has days once in a while, usually after going home, when he get really moody and his temper is shorter than usual, but back then he was never cold and indifferent towards you and the Pogues. He was still your funny and warm JJ, but just a little more angry which always excited you, especially when you were alone. But now it was different and you just couldn't stay like this anymore. The knot in your stomach is so big now that you have breathing issues everytime you see him leaving the Chateau as soon as you walk in.

But today you gonna talk. You didn't care, not even another hurricane would stop you from it.

The Pogues were out on a double date, which should involve you and JJ too, but apparently you don't act like a couple anymore. You guess that was his way of telling you to fuck off, but it hurt even more than actually hearing it from him.

"Do we have any food left?" He ask as he walks into the Chateau, thinking that he's talking with John B.

"Yea, some cold pizza." You say with a stern voice and you put your arms at your chest, watching him. You can't really read his face when he saw you, but clearly it wasn't happiness. He groaned and turned around to walk out, you stopping him by grabbing his arm.

"JJ, what the fuck? Do you think I'm stupid?"

"Nah, you're pretty smart actually." He simply says and shrug while walking into the kitchen, opening the fridge and looking for that pizza you were talking about.

You can't believe how ignorant he was. It drives you insane, but you tried your best to remain calm.

"Why are you treating me like this? Like shit?"

"I'm not, that's who I am. The door is right there if you don't like it, princess."

You shut your eyes and look at him, falling apart on the inside as you still try to look calm on the outside. He wasn't seeing your face as he was still turned to the fridge, but you're sure that he knows what he's doing to you right now. Calling you "princess" wasn't a compliment or a joke as he used to. It was a insult. Reminding you that you are not one of them and you will never be.

"What? JJ...What the fuck? Why-Why are you doing this to me?" You don't even try to hide your tears as it filled your eyes, blurring your vision of him when he turned to you.

"Don't start with emotional shits now, okay? How long have we been together anyway? 3 weeks? Not a big deal." He grabbed a beer instead of any food and walked past you, but you move in front of him, not letting him go away from you again.

"Stop fucking lying and acting like this! This is not you, J...You love me and I know it. This is not you, baby. Just talk to me..." Your voice crack while you screamed with tears wetting your cheeks and chin. You realizing that he's lying to you because he was always excited to remaind you how long you made it together. And hearing that it wasn't a big deal when you gave him your virginity, broke your heart in your chest in tiny pieces that stabbed your lungs, your everything, ripping you apart on the inside.

You gasp for air, not able to control yourself anymore and he throws the beer can into the door, spilling it everywhere. His whole body was tensed, his jawline and fists clenched. This was the most of emotions he had show to you in the last week.

"You're just a kook, a spoiled daddy's girl, how can you truly know who I am? You don't know shit about me and my life, [Y/N]" He screams in your face and you're whole body is shacking in pain, but you don't take any step back. You're stunned.

"Cause you're not tellin me shit, JJ! You're not telling me anything and you fucking expect me to understand you. I may not be one of you and you will never find enough in me, but I'm trying my best for fucks sake! How can I do that when I don't even...."

You shut your mouth, watching his face as you wipped your tears away. Inside of him there was a storm that was ripping apart every piece of him because of hurting you right now. But he just can't help it. People always leave and especially when you are rich as fuck and you have a lot more opportunites than a stupid Pogue. Why woud you stay? For what?

"You don't even what?" He asks with a lower voice and you let out another sob, glaring right into his blue icy eyes as you talk.

"Maybe you're true. Maybe I don't know how you are at all."

"Yea" He just nods his head and his wet eyes followed your body as you walked out of the Chateau, your hand covering your mouth to shut down the scream that you need to let it out.

You got into your car and you let your head on the steering wheel as you cry in silence, hearing the waves and the loud rock music that was coming from the Chateau.

How could you be this stupid? You really did believe that things will work out for you, you got along so well and you put your whole heart on the table. For him to just throw the fucking table away.

"But then I tell myself that it will be okay

But it's not true, I still want you..."

You forgot how going out felt like.

After almost a month of not leaving your house at all, you finally accepted to go to the beach party tonight. But you didn't wanted to go with Kie and Sarah since you know they will hang out with JJ as well, so you just went with the Kooks, some of your girl friends from high school.

You keeping telling yourself that you will be fine to see him again. That you have to show him how okay you are after he broke your stupid heart. But finally seeing him at the bonfire caught you off guards and your eyes became wet. You can feel his glare on you and when you finally have the courage to make eye contact with him, you need all the strength you find in yourself to keep your calm.

He looked just as bad as you, but he was still breathtakingly handsome. Even with dark circle around his eyes, a little beard growing and bloodshot tired eyes. He wasn't joking or laughing with the others, he wasn't flirting with the Tourons around him. He wasn't JJ and you weren't yourself. You couldn't be without each other and when he sent you a little sad smile you know he realized it too.

It's weird that after breaking your heart and calling you out without even a damn reason, you still find yourself wanting him. Your body and your heart still ache for him and his touch.

"Lately, I've been thinking about

All the things that we've been through... "

You got up from Jessica to go to fill your cup again. Drinking makes you feel a little better and this month you really took advantage of that, drowing the memories and feelings with fancy wines and champagnes, not even trying to hide that from your father.

You almost scream when a firmly hand is placed on your mouth and pull you more into the woods. You know who this is without turning around.

"You scared the shit outta me...Stop doing that" You talk like you were cool again and you both realized that, your uncomfortable smiles showing it. He scratch the back of his neck as he put a few meters between you two. You felt that right into your heart, but he was just doing it because he know that he's not really able to control himself around you.

"How are you?" He asks and you roll your eyes.

"This is what we gonna have now? Small talks?"

"I just wanna know if you are doing well, [Y/N]."

You want to say yes. But he raise his eyebrows at you, watching you with his clear eyes. Their color is darker now because the weak light only coming from the moon, but you know his features way too well. You used to admire and analyze him every morning when you woke up first on the couch at the Chateau. That became JJ's room and then you and JJ's room. You didn't have much, but you were beyond happy.

"No, J. I'm not."

"Lately, I regret all the fucked up

Things that I've put you throug..."

He is looking like he's thinking really hard at something and you give him some time. You both remaining quiet for some moments, still hearing music, laughs and screams from the beach party.

"[Y/N] I'm sorry for everything I said to you. I had to. But...I-I don't think I can go on without you there, princess."

You shut your eyes at the nickname. He used it again and this time it wasn't a insult like the last time.

"Why-Why did you do it?"

He hesitated, but your wet eyes are locking with his and he knows that he can't get away with it anymore.

"Your father talked to me. He told me that if I keep the relationship with you, you won't be going to college. That he will get you out in the street." You can see the pain on his face as your own changed from the pain of hearing that.

Your own father did that...

You thought about ending your life and all of that because your father.

You let out a loud sob as you ran into his strong warm arms, him quickly grabbing you. He's holding your face at the crook of his neck as you keep crying and screaming that you can't believe that.

"I couldn't destroy your future. You wanna go to the college. I don't-...I can't ruin that for you."

You bit on your lip as tears fall on the hot skin of his neck. You close your eyes, slowly being calmed down by his presence, by the warmth of his body and his touches on your skin. You lift your head and he leans his head closer to yours, your foreheads pressed together as you whispered with your eyes now open and partially dry.

"I guess you will have a rommate at the Chateau. If that's okay..."

"W-what?"

"Still tryna learn to be personal

Still uncomfortable being me

Still tryna learn to be vulnerable..."

"Yea, if that's okay...You're more important than a stupid college, JJ."

His warms wraps around your waist, keeping you close to him and locking your eyes together. You gently touch his dark circle with the tip of your fingers and you slowly and softly kiss them, your hands running through his hair.

"I don't wanna ruin your future, [Y/N]..Mine is ruined. If I would do that to yours, I wouldn't be able to ever forgive myself."

"You won't, baby stop saying that. What if-What if I will work at The Wreck? Kie won't mind that."

He looked away for a few short moments and then softly kiss the top of your freckled nose.

"We will see that, sweet thing." A smile is slowly playing on his plump lips and you want so bad to kiss him right now, but there's still is one important thing.

"But you have to talk to me, JJ. We-...We can't have a relationship when we aren't open up to each other."

"I hate being-...Being vulnerable and emotional."

You whisper "i know" but you can't keep your smile for yourself only. You look at him with pure adoration and love.

"But I swear I will try for you."

Your heart and legs melt at his words and you pull him to your lips but he talks again, barely touching your lips with his.

"I would give you all I have, [Y/N]. All just to see you happy."

You bring him into the kiss, your tongue quickly meeting his and as you slowly tasted each other, the knot in your stomach is long gone. You smile into the kiss because you know that he would really do anything for your happiness and he just proved that by breaking his own heart to hurt you.

[tsukidrama]

j anon ♡

the coolest mf on the planet sent me a review of my most favorite fic i've ever written. i ended up breaking it up for ease of reading as we both ramble more than usual (this is not an issue, you know how i love to talk)

links:

cold hands, cold heart part 2 [nsfw]

(and also part 1 too just in case)

i didn't want the ask to leave my inbox because i've been rereading this every day recently 🥺 you're amazing, can i just say that?

IM LITERALLY SOO GAYY FOR WRITING THAT QLDHEKSJ AND SO ARE YOU FOR THOSE BEIN UR FAVORITE PARTS IWLEUKJDS. seriously though, thank you!! i don't even know how to properly respond to this i just start kicking my little legs happily. the imagery rly is what pulls you into the story 😩 ngl i wrote this so that i would know what it felt like to be there with her in that moment but it's sooo endearing and sweet to hear other people's reactions to reading it, especially for the emotional aspects and not just the steamy bits. omg j, the experience of being understood 💕

oh damn yeah i see why you say that! it's the heavy visual imagery and the association with the moon, too. it makes me feel so 🥰 to know that somebody is out there and making connections between my different works 🥺 that's so personal and i love you so much for it holy shit.

and thank you for the validation too, i feel so seen!! exactly! all the details are essential to the plot and to the experience i'm describing, it literally could not have been shorter. hell, if anything, i could have made it longer.

NONO ITS NOT DUMB AT ALL OMFG THIS IS HONESTLY ONE OF MY FAVORITE COMMENTS YOUVE EVER MADE! LMAO I HAD TO GIVE IT IT'S OWN SPOTLIGHT WLKEJHWKDJF I AGREE SO HARD! in canon there is no way in hell that they'd have the time or care to make sure their pubes are shaved. i dont like when people give them hairless pussies, i know it's not that deep but i feel strongly about it qjsnemmddn

in my humble personal opinion, Annie would TOTALLY have a bush anyway. always, even in modern AUs. lmao she doesn't give a fuck, and anybody that would take issue with that just wouldn't get anywhere near her pussy to begin with! also pubes are sexy, i said what i said. it's like a welcome mat yknow? soft and inviting.... honey,, i'm home!

YEP THATS IT THATS THE FIC. that's the best way anyone has ever summed up the central point as well as "Annie opened up and gave herself to reader while still holding back deep down". yowch! my heart hurts.

hnmng... yeah. hehe. wouldn't you just die? every single time i reread that scene it still has the same effect of like, needing to hide and bury my face away lololol. why thank you! i do my best to try to do realistic smut in general, it makes me feel closer to them.

GIRL.... you're over here like "does this make sense???" and i'm over here shrieking and dancing because this is like,,, what i've always thought about the fic. nobody but one other friend and my literal wife has ever pointed out to me that they don't think the story is just about sex. like yeah obv they fuck so in that regard it is, but it's not about getting laid. it's about a genuine moment of connection between Annie and somebody who has a very pure love for her, even if it is to the point of naievity. especially if it's to the point of naievity.

they care about each other so much :') it takes a lot to make her cold heart melt (pun intended)... i guess i got you too! aHA caught you slippin ;))

thank you 🥺💕💕 like yeah it's just fanfic but it was also a character study, and my only way of giving a fictional character the love and gentleness that i feel she deserves 💕 I LOVE HER SOOO MUCCHHH 🥺😵

girl stoppp that's such a mood. you should see my drafts. recently i wrote the phrase "in the barn" three times all in the same sentence, it made me cackle. while writing I jus let the spirit flow thru me...... and then i edit like a madwoman to make sure that it's not chickenscratch gobbledygook because it often is at first. lmao i'm not always as well-spoken as people seem to think.

i think that the awkwardness is actually essential! especially since it's their first time. but like i was saying earlier about liking things to be realistic: when having sex, soemtimes you accidentally get trapped in an awkward angle, or slip and smack your partner in the face. it's messy and wet and sweet and funny, and my goal is for my writing to reflect that.

drljlakjdfh like a wwe match 😂 positions are important and worth describing in my opinion! i'm glad you don't think it's too much though, sometimes i worry that it is.

yesssssss kldjfhkaj thank you!!! for the millionth time thank you! hheheh i love the gentle and sweet talking during smut, it means everything to my soft heart. shockingly i haven't written more smut for Annie (it's because i loooooove her it's so EMBARRASSING actually! I used to be smut queen) but i swear to god just u wait until i post more and you see how consistent i am with reader doing things that she likes.... reader remembers.... and do i seem like the kind of person who is going leave my beloved princess and the queen of my LIFE unsatisfied??? i'd die first

I LOVED IT!! sorry i took a while to post my response though! i went back and forth between not wanting to publish it at all (literally i want it in my ask box forever i can never let go) and then being too overwhelmed by my feels to respond coherently akljfdhlasjd I just have a lot to say and so many feelings, I MISS YOU BTW

[imaginetonyandbucky]

Yay! Happy Valentine's day! I like to imagine that all of Tony's past relationships didn't get him anything since he's the 'guy who has everything' but Bucky is determined to show his love! Can you do a ficlet based on that?

The Man Who Has Everthing

A/N -- given that I just picked the prompt up,and our fave’s birthday is coming up, I made a slight alteration (PS – this isa legit lemon cake recipe from my grandmother’s recipe book)

There were three different kinds of birthday presents, Tony haddecided a long time ago.

There were the kind that came from his mother, or the children ofhis parents’ business friends, from his business rival/friends. They were theones to show off the wealth that the other person accumulated and really, asfar as Tony could tell, had nothing to do with him at all, except that he was afancy name that they could dangle off the gift, like see, see what I can affordto buy for Tony Stark.

The man who has everything…

There were the kind that came from all the people who feltobligated to give him a gift -- underlings and lower tier managers. They werethe gifts that he didn’t care about, that usually had nothing to do with him atall. People didn’t know him particularly well, didn’t know his preferences,didn’t care to know those things. They were a box to unwrap and a thank younote to get Pepper to write and she’d always be exasperated with him.Especially since most of those gifts ended up being put in baskets and sent offto the local cancer ward or something.

The man who has everything…

And nothing.

Some gifts were good. Rhodey went out of his way to make some sortof bad joke and put it in a box. Jarvis had somehow always managed to give himsomething he wanted, and a few times when Tony’s parents wouldn’t notice, theyhad cake down in the kitchen, he and Jarvis and Anna. Every year Happy got hima gift card to Starbucks. Honestly, Tony could probably buy Starbucks outrightand rename it with all the gift cards he had to that location. (He had,actually, considered it. Because it would be funny.)

The man who has everything… and nothing.

Honestly, Tony didn’t want gifts, he didn’t care about gifts. Notreally.

And while he’d had countless lovers, relationships, friends, andpeople who showed up to his parties… most of them didn’t really bother to buyhim a present, anyway.

It wasn’t like he wasn’t a billionaire. Even the very few peoplehe believed might actually genuinely like him, they all knew that he could buyanything, and everything, that he wanted.

So, why bother.

There really wasn’t much to celebrate, either. Birthdays wererandom, they were pointless. They were a number on a piece of paper.

Tony hadn’t made a big deal out of his birthday since the yearhe’d almost died of palladium poisoning, and really, he was beginning to thinkthat he was just happier that way.

He had a boyfriend, who was unexpectedly dear to him.

Teammates that he liked, and who mostly tolerated him. He had hisworkshop. He had a purpose.

He was happy.

He was.

He didn’t need a damn present.

Bucky almost always brought him coffee in the morning, that wasjust their thing, so Tony didn’t think anything of it, aside from to have asip, sigh orgasmically, and watch through lidded eyes as his boyfriend made thatface.

“Happy birthday,” Bucky said, after Tony put his cup down, havingdrained it to the bottom in a few long gulp.

“Ug, don’t remind me,” Tony said. “I’m already robbing thecradle.”

“I’s born in 1917, Tony, you know that, right?” Bucky said. Heflopped back onto the bed and Tony rolled neatly into the dip created by hisbody. “If anyone’s robbing anything, it’s me.” He kissed Tony thoroughly,distracting him from all things birthday related for a few minutes. The kiss,honestly, was probably a better present than anything else. Luckily for Tony,it was also a renewable resource, and he took advantage of that to kiss hisboyfriend a few more times.

“Yeah, well. You still look twenty-seven,” Tony said.“Which means that I’m way past the creepy half-my-age-plus-seven rule.”

“You’d need to be ten years older, to even get out of my creepyrange, so let’s just agree that it doesn’t apply, and you can open yourpresent,” Bucky said.

“You didn’t have to get me a present,” Tony protested.

“I know,” Bucky said. “That’s why it’s a present.” Buckyhanded him a very light box wrapped in brilliant gold and red paper.

Tony worked the paper off, slowly. Bucky was a shredder, yankingpaper and ribbons free with glee every time he got a present, and it drove himabsolutely mad to watch Tony slit each piece of tape precisely and to carefullypeel off the paper. It was why Tony did it, because he was a bit of an asshole,even on the best days.

At the bottom of the box, there was a single index card, old andyellowed, the penmanship painfully neat, the ink faded. Clipped to the card wasa polaroid.

“What is--”

Anna and Jarvis looked out of the picture at him, each of them hadone hand on Tony’s shoulders. He was all of five or six years old, and he wasblowing out the candle on a one layer cake. He didn’t specifically remember thebirthday, but he remembered the cake. He’d never had anything like it, notsince Anna had passed so long ago. Light, lemony cake, topped with freshberries and clotted cream.

The index card, written in Anna Jarvis’s neat hand, hadingredients on one side, and method on the back.

3          cups all-purposeflour1          tablespoon baking powder¾         teaspoon salt3          cups sugar1          cup unsalted butter, roomtemperature½         cup shortening, room temperature5          large eggs1          cup whole milk6          tablespoons lemon juice1          lemon, zested

MethodPreheat oven to 350°F.Butter and flour 2 loaf pans or one large Bundt pan.Sift flour, baking powder and salt into medium bowl. Set aside.Cream together butter, shortening and sugar. Add eggs one at a time, beatinguntil well blended after each one.In three additions, add to butter mixture alternately with milk, beginning andending with flour mixture. Mix in lemon juice and zest.Pour batter into prepared pans. Bake cakes until tester inserted into centercomes out clean. Cool cakes in pans until pan is warm but not hot. Turn cakesout onto racks, serve with berries

Tony was shaking when he put the card down. “Where did you findthis?”

“Library, actually,” Bucky told him. “I was readin’ an AgathaChristie novel and it fell out. Someone’d been usin’ it to mark their place, Iguess.”

Jarvis had always liked mysteries, and Anna had read them to himbefore bed, in her story-teller’s voice. Sometimes Tony had sat with them for awhile. He liked being able to solve the mystery before the book ended. Even atsix, they were hardly a challenge, but he liked them anyway.

“I… been practicing.”

“Practicing what?”

“The cake,” Bucky said. “It’s your special cake, and… downstairs.I made one for you.”

Absently Tony picked the card up from his gift box and went totuck the recipe and its precious picture inside.

He read the card.

To Tony Stark, a man who has everything.Including my heartJ. Bucky Barnes

[empressxmachina]

Inquiries on WIPs, lore, and what to do with both

Hi!

I hope y'all are well! I didn't expect to make a journal today, but here I am! I do hope I get some answers because I do have some thoughts and questions.

word wall under the cut

First off, I've done a lot of proofreading and re-outlining lately.

How I keep coming up with ideas, I don't know. Why I can never sit down and write prose except for when I'm meant to be doing something else is even more unknown. But at least I'm thinking, I guess. I like what I'm pondering.  I have done some intensive writing, though.

I made a manip that's been done and in the queue for months, and I liked it so much that I've made a whole novella (novel?) idea for it. If I do it right, then I hope to get about twelve (12) parts from it - they're all now planned - of which I've completed seven. I'm closer to eight (8) than not, so that's good, right?

Since the pic is done and so is its relative part in the story, should I just release it/them, or should I wait until it's all done?

I've even made a Wattpad/book cover for it; that's how much I like what I'm doing.

Regarding Welcome Home, Sasha, specifically, it's been plotted for months, too. But I'm having some issues with writing an expository soliloquy, aka the explanation of what the fuck happened to Earth.

The actual information is cut-and-dry, but I don't know how to best frame it. I find Ki to be an analytical person - sensible for a scientist, I suppose - but with a flourish. Putting his brotherly, almost fatherly love of Sasha on top complicates things further since he wouldn't want to break his heart... and the answer will definitely bruise at the very least.

Luckily though, how he'll react and everything after that is as straightforward as an apocalypse can be. Will I ever write it, though?

I technically have three (3) or four (4) continuations to long fics, but I don't know why I'm not releasing them. I want to, yet I don't? Is this my mediocre perfectionism in action? Is this normal?

Syntrophy has changed in my head, like, four times, regarding the relationship between the two MCs. Their separate stories have maintained but not how they connect to each other.

I wish I was kidding. There's so much I've deleted.

I've been adding excerpts to my manips and making visuals to go with stories. Read more about that in the next section.

Secondly, I've been conceptualizing visuals like mad!

Ideas just keep coming, and they don't stop coming.

The queue is probably at peak fullness, which is cool. I was hoping I wouldn't have to widen time between posting stuff because as much as popularity doesn't affect whether I make something, I wouldn't want y'all to just forget about me. You know?

I know some people don't even have a schedule or set up expectations, so I might just say "Fuck it," and leave submission dates to RNG. It hasn't been a problem, but I don't want pressure from time restraints to become a problem. We'll see.

Like the unnamed, new fic way above, some of my ready works are images from tales not-yet-released. I've done that before numerous times, but one in particular literally happens in what would be the literal next part to post, and I'm not done with writing it, yet, at least to where I'd like it to be.

Should I post the pic anyway, despite context being right behind a corner? I kind of want to, but I've already been putting it off so much...

I just really need to get motivated and focus using Pomodoro or something. Maybe I'd knock everything out if I did.

My most recent completion from literally this morning might just be my favorite in all my years of manip-making.

Meanwhile, the one finished right before it might be the worst thing I've ever made, and its excerpt just makes it worse. I enjoyed it thoroughly, though, which makes me question myself as I'm seeing patterns...

I want to draw/paint again. I've done stuff for IRL projects but not size content.

I need inspiration to just sit down and pen for hours or days.

Would y'all mind me doing sketches again? That'd be quicker.

Lastly, the real reason why I chose to make a journal:

I'm really considering putting expanded, not-yet-seen lore for my stories on my blog site (on WordPress), and I feel like I've pondered this before.

As repeatedly mentioned, I have too many ideas but not even drive to collect them all into something worthwhile. But I'd like to get them out there somehow so others can indulge in my babies as much as I do. Some creators have blogs just for certain stories and their characters, settings, etc. that I adore, and I want to feel that in a way, too. However, most people don't have ten (10) or more stories at once that they equally love. Fuck, I need to edit my blog with more pages for more things I've conjured but isn't there, yet.

I feel that by doing so on my site,

People who do want to know how a plot of a tale will go, because I write as quickly as molasses runs yet have an outline for everything, can know.

It'll be organized as I see fit but my own control (unless WordPress does something drastic).

In addition, the data wouldn't be directly attached to the works on other sites like here, either, in case ideas change or people are averse to spoilers and want to stay away.

Reading all this over, couldn't I put the same data/lore in DA journals, Tumblr posts, etc., too, adding tags or titles to mark what's what? Couldn't I also put the works themselves that are here or even the damn music list on my site, too? Should I?

Am I overthinking this? I think I'm overthinking this.

That's it, I think.

Does any of this make sense? Please let me know your thoughts on anything but mostly the blog stuff if you can.

(I've also put this on DA if you'd prefer to respond there.)

Stay safe, and Happy Equinox! I'm glad I'll see flowers blooming again soon.

~J