#WOW I'VE HAD A WHOLE WEEK WHERE EVERYTHING FEELS MOSTLY NORMAL

[hag-o-hags]

mother absolute fucker the universe has decided to honor One Year Since Getting The Plague with the return of the spinning dizzies

[indigo474]

July 14th 2024

We had a nice little trip to the shore. I have to remember 2 days.. no more. Madison got wicked sunburn, I tried to warn her but kids. we laughed and talked and laughed and I am happy to say I like my daughter. I love her obviously but I like her as a human being. I enjoy getting to know her as an adult. it's a nice feeling. My brain does this things where it suddenly remembers things. I've been listening to this guy on YouTube that does a series about trauma.. complex ptsd.. it's heavy emotional stuff.. things I am hearing for the first time and things I can relate to and wow-.. I find myself not feeling the way I usually feel and just really down on myself. layers of healing. it just never really stops. Coming to terms with how bad things actually were. I could write everything down but I'm not sure that would help me. I've come to realize that I have raised myself since I was 4. I can remember being 4 and not trusting my Mom.. I had to look out for her.I had to figure shit out at 4. So, there's a lot to unpack. Mostly why I made the the choices I've made in my life. Why I missed the signs of abuse.. I know why now. . I wanted better for my kids. I tried so hard to be a good Mom. I big part of me feels angry about shit that happened that I had no control over. Accept it, move on, let it go.. because really what else can I do? it is what it is. But it still hurts because I deserved better. my whole fucking life I deserved better only I didn't know it then.. but I do now. I almost told James I didn't want to workout Saturday.. I was so close to texting him to cancel. I felt like shit. I went and felt better and I was Kika and she made me feel better. I love it when she leans up against me while I pet her. there's a voice in my head that tells me my life is over. I hate feeling like this. I am wondering if it could possibly be the new medication I am on or am I processing heavy stuff-which would be perfectly normal.

Pam is talking to me. she has been for a few weeks now. all of a sudden pulling up a chair at my desk and talking being nice. a few weeks ago she offered me her speakers to listen to a call with my rep because the one office was being used. I asked her last week if I could borrow them again because the office was being used- 4 people in a tiny office for 3 hours. I said to her i'm not going in that office because i'm sure it stinks after 4 people being in there for 3 hours.. she said oh like it stuck after me and Kate were in there. I said no.. i'm sure its worse. I remembered exactly what she was talking about.. my rep and I went in the office after she was done with it and my rep said it stinks in here and I agreed because it did. PAm tells me because I agreed with the person who said it stunk in the room that is why she didn't talk to me for months. she said I hurt her feelings. I asked her why she didn't say anything when it happened and she said because she wanted me to pay for what I said. that tells me all I need to know about Pam and her thinking. I could have asked her why she was mad at me but I doubt she would have told me considering she wanted to make me pay. I am also just done asking people why they are mad at me. if a grown adult cant tell me why I did/said wrong thats on them. We grown, we talk period.

[xuseokgyu]

This might be the longest one yet.......... rip. i had some stories to tell.... :((

My job is to mostly to tell people when they make mistakes lmao. i work in document quality control ? for a manufacturing company, mostly check the inspection paperwork and certificates for the medical/surgical devices. and then have to be like this... is not right. fix this. currently have a lot of prototype parts going through which have some added requirements but also they keep changing the prints so then obviously the paperwork then changes and its just been annoying cuz its redo-ing a lot of paperwork.

yeah, that makes sense and that is part of it sometimes... i also think im just not in the mood for certain genres of music at times lol.

lol yeah it was so funny in the beginning she was watching some mv's and kept sending me screenshots of jeonghan with different hair styles with this message "who is this????" and every single time it was still jeonghan. i was just like lmao you should just assume that its jeonghan at this point. her defense was that he looks really different every time he changes his hair. she can recognize him now at least. the only other ones she can recognize currently are s.coups (her current favorite member overall) and vernon (her favorite rapper in their songs - she really like how vernon raps). shes more rap biased lol.

thank you.. you are only a little late lol my bday was the 11th. the last time i played bingo i spent $40 total over two days (80 games @ $0.50/game) and won zero. its a skill... i only got close to bingo (1 space away) like 3 times total. it was really tragic... at one point the lady sitting at the same table as us was just like wow... i haven't seen you even get three in a row since i've been here (which was like an hour).

We went to the same kindergarten, then i moved away and then i moved back in the 8th grade (i also have known the friend that is getting into svt for the same amount of time since she went to that same school, though her family are basically neighbors with my cousins family, and they are really close, so i saw her a lot more overall but wasn't super close to her until more recently actually, when we went to the same wedding (my cousin's) and starting talking again)

also to help this make more sense (as in why would they remember me lol) my graduating class size at that school was only 22 people, and my cousins also went to that same school. my dad went to that school, the english teacher there had taught my dad when he was in high school, its extreme small town vibes. people would literally just recognize what family i came from and just start talking to me. and i'd just be frantically trying to figure out who they were. like oh god oh god am i supposed to know who this is?? have i met this person before???

actually the wackiest thing is one of my friends from when i moved (big school), her grandma, i found out after we moved back to the small town, used to babysit my dad and her grandmas house was literally a mile down the street from us... you could see her grandmas house from our living room windows. i was just like what?? her cousins also then went to the same school as me. and then we fell out of touch but then ended up going to the same college. where she would be like "i saw you on campus today" and i was just like??? i did not see you, where are you? i haven't talked to you in like 3 years wtf?? i'm not in touch with her anymore but my younger sister is currently roommates with her younger sister in college lmao. oh other bizarre thing... one of my classmate's (from the big school) relatives bought the house we sold when i moved in kindergarten, and idk for some reason a few years after we moved we went back to the old house for something idk, and my classmate was visiting her family at my old house at the same time. we saw each other and we just stared at each other like what are you doing here?? we had moved like hour away (highway travel times) lol so it was just so random. (wow i hope these made sense lol)

the heat was worse in the beginning of summer i think... or i've just gotten used to it lol. there was all that smoke though that blew in from canada a bit ago though. but thats almost become a yearly thing now unfortunately. lol your weather sounds like how the weather is here sometimes - i live in minnesota, we are known for our wildly fluctuating weather. extreme highs and lows.

I love piano in music! I had to learn how to play piano as a kid... my grandma taught (most) of the grandchildren. i'm not very good at it tbh i never liked to practice and i havent played in years lol. we also learned how to play the piano/read sheet music when i went to the big school for music class for a year. I feel like if you are able to buy a little cheap or used keyboard it shouldn't be too hard to teach yourself if you wanted to start?? at least simple songs. I guess learning to read music would be the hardest place to start if you've never read sheet music before?? but thats what cheat sheets are for tbh. write the notes in, write them on the keys whatever works. we had a foldable note cheat sheet thing that went behind the keys and said the name of the note and where it was on the staff behind all the keys. when I was learning i'd be like b b b where is the b im looking for... ah here it is *ding* ok and now c ... c . c. ah ha *ding* and then repeat until you can play at a normal speed lol.

oh hands down its Oh My! best summer song lol i love Oh My! .... You Made My Day is also my fav album... what about you?

also what's ur favorite cold drink (#2)? picked this one cuz I have been buying myself bubble tea like once a week almost uhhh all summer lol the tapioca pearls at this place are so much better than other places i've been to and this place has cheese foam that i have also become obsessed with (tho thats very expensive its an extreme treat myself drink add-on lol) the blended mango with cheese foam... so good.... its like $7 though. today i got the normal mango milk tea which i hadn't had in a while cuz i'd been going through the various types of regular? milk tea (made with different types of black tea - i love black tea i have um a lot of tea i think i have like 15 different types rn). Otherwise I almost always have ginger ale in my fridge lol its great for a lot of things and also just to drink. love ginger ale... i just love ginger honestly.....

Is 1am and I should be sleeping but I wanna answer this before reveal day!!!

Best job description 😂😂 I feel like your job is one that can become automatic very easily so I can see how the changes can be annoying

SCoups and Vernon are definitely the ones with more distinctive faces, they were the ones I recognized better first, same for my father... he knows the names of all the members now but he still messes up the three Js hahah Jeonghan Joshua and Jun always take a while for him to recognize, sometimes Wonwoo too, which drives my sister crazy cause two of her three bias are there 😂😂

These small town vibes are so cool! I love that you have this community and managed to form long lasting friendships!! I basically had the same classmates for ten years and as soon as we graduated I lost touch... I made great friends at college tho The pandemic has been hard, we are respecting our health and haven’t seen each other personally since it all started, but I hope once we can meet again everything will go back to how it was between us

I had a situation sort of similar to yours at school too ahha My mom was and had already been a teacher (P.E.) at my school for years so all the staff and a looot of the older students knew who I was, but I had no idea who those people were hahah To this day almost everywhere we go together we will encounter some old student of hers...

Is so cool that your grandma did that! But I can see how it was more a task than something you truly wanted to do so you probably wouldn’t be very excited heheh I was part of a choir growing up and we had sheet music but our teacher never truly showed us how to read it, I know the basics but is literally like a toddler that just learned the alphabet hahah

Oh my! really is THE summer song I completely agree with you there!! I also absolutely loove the mv and whole comeback seemed really cool

Oohh I only had bubble tea once and I want to drink it again!! I only know of one place that sells it here, it is still a pretty new “concept” so there’s not a lot of shops around... And I never had ginger ale! I’m super curious about it cause I’ve heard it being mentioned in, like, tv series, but I don’t drink sodas so I don’t know if I would break my “diet” for a taste heheh My favorite cold drink is lemon iced tea, the ones we have here are really sweet and kinda “sparkling”? (I don’t know how to say it... is almost like a soda but not really 😅) Even during the winter, we drink it during weekends cause is a “special drink” hahahah not a Brazilian thing, just in my house

[hejgyrus]

Cameron's First Time (p 1)

Pre-words: Ok just before we start... this is not legit, this is just the horny fantasy of a virgin fag (me!). Our story begins with Cameron (18 M) getting ready to go out on a date with his new boyfriend Ari (21 M).

//TL;DR to find fucking scene, do CTRL+F and type [FUCKING BOOKMARK]

Narrator: Tonight is Cameron's big night. His heart is flying all over the place as he prepares for his date with his new man he just met on the internet (this will end well, shut up). He has only seen pictures all over Instagram but he knows some things about Ari: he's ~6' 5", dirty blond, long-ass dreadlocks, works out, and tames horses. Cameron himself is: 5" 6', extremely white and red eye'd (he's somewhat albino, it's not obvious from a distance), 97 lb, white hair, and really smooth. For the past hour Cameron has been preparing for this event: choosing cloths, trying clear lipstick, regretting that choice, regretting that choice; and finally decided to just go for a cute messy look. A white button-down t-shirt, light grey shorts and some hair gel to make it seem as a bully gave him a nuggy. (he ended up going back on the lipstick).

Cameron: Fuck, shit, fuck, Fuck, FUCK!!!! Oh god, regret, regret! I'm not doing this, nope, nope, not today. I'll just... kill myself! Ya, that should be a good way out of this. No wait, science is too good for that, and Ari will find me dead.

*ding dong*

Cameron: I'M LEAVING, OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW! I CAN'T TAKE THIS.

*door knocking*

*Cameron walks towards door regretting*

Cameron: I'll just throw up on his shoes, that should make him leave.

*Open's door to a giant Manticore*

Cameron: Woh, Hi!

Ari: *snickers* wSup?

Cameron: (gently)Panicking, (fully)still alive

Ari: Ready to go?

Cameron: (NO!) Sure

Narrator: The two get into Ari's decent looking open cockpit jeep, and head off to an outdoor restaurant on the beach. When they arrived they saw a pretty fun place with a small main building and a field of beach couches surrounding picknick-like coffee tables, the sun was setting beautifully on the horizon. Cameron finally managed to compose himself.

Ari: This place is great, I worked here as a bartender while I was at school.

Cameron: Wow, what were you studying?

Ari: Veterinary practices.

Cameron: Ah

Narrator: The two sit at a "table" closer to the water, when a waitress comes over to to her job, you fill in the dialog.

Her:

Ari:

Her:

Cameron:

Her:

Cameron:

Narrator: Ari got a steak done cut up to be edible without leaning forward, and Cameron got a chicken salad, but the chicken is actually pork, it is a pork salad.

Ari: Aright, ya know what... I'm not good with dating...

Cameron: Oh don't worry, this is actually my first time.

Ari: Really! Then let's do the all the cliches, just for the lulz.

Cameron: Ok.

Ari: So tell me about yourself?

Cameron: Oh, god this is going to take a minute. I guess it all started when I was born.

Ari: ..

Cameron: I was born to a pair of Icelandic swingers who decided to elope to Israel, lying about being Jewish to get in free, who decided to fuck around and got stuck with me! I don't know much about them because the orphanage was incompetent for the most part, but they did tell me my mother was 7" 2'... I guess the Icelandic giant's gene.

Ari: Wait then why are you so short?

Cameron: There, actually, is a good reason for that! It's sad but good. Ok, so they left me at an orphanage... Now the Israelis are on the darker end of Caucasians, right? And the country is mostly a desert, so they didn't know my tolerance for sunlight, and decided to be conservative. I didn't really go out and play a lot. That didn't stunt my growth, but it did make me... smaller then the other kids.

Ari: How big did they get?

Cameron: Look at your arms and drop 3 inches

Ari: Oh

Cameron: So back to the house. *Narrator: Wow he opened up quick!* My first foster family was great, the dad was a high ranking military guy. The mother was very active in the community, her two sons were soo nice to me, always forcing me out of my shell and taking me out with their friends. Their friends, on the other hand, were not good people.

Ari: Y

Cameron: Well there's this word in Hebrew, "Arrsce"... It's a healthy mix of punk and bitch. They were that.

Ari: Where's this going...

Cameron: Well shit happened and they beat me up. Violently... comatose-ly. I lost 3 months of my life, and my Icelandic giant's gene.

Ari: Holy shit dude.

Cameron: Ya after that, and the media fire, technicalities happened and a US dignitary managed to "extradite" me to and keep me as his foster kid.

Ari: Lucky break?

Cameron: No he was pretty cold to me, and the rest of his family, but at 16 the state said I could leave the house and live somewhere else on their rent so long as I worked. And I did. I got an apartment over a subway where I still work.

Ari: Quite the life story.

Cameron: Ya I got use to my past.

Ari: But you can't accept that as normal, that was one of the saddest stories I heard in awhile.

Cameron: Too late.

Narrator: Ok I realize you have been waiting for the fucking, you fucking perv... I'll get to that soon...

Cameron: So what about you? You should have some stories.

Ari: Ahh well. My early life started off boring and bland from a broken family.

Cameron: Same!

Ari: He, sure... my life didn't really start until I got my first job a this little horse ranch. Well, like I said, bland and boring.

Cameron: You aren't boring, I love horses... at my size I need something under me to be my bitch (and it defiantly couldn't be you)

Narrator: The two continue to talk about meaningless drivvle to which I do not feel like writing out. If you have never been on a date, imagine a conversation... there ya go, that's what's happening. After a spectacular diner the two proceed to take a nice calm walk on the beach, now going dark.

Cameron: This is a day I won't forget for a long time, thanks for this luv.

Ari: Why dose it have to end? Ya know I have a whole tent and camping shit just lying around in my car, we could just camp out on the beach for the night.

Cameron: I don't know, I don't usually sleep with a guy I just met.

Ari: You've never dated.

Cameron: Point, let's do it!

Ari: Great, take this flashlight and start collecting fire wood, I'll go get the jeep... it's gonna take me about 10 minutes.

Cameron: *sarcastically* I miss you already.

Ari: Bye *kisses Cameron on the lips lightly, like they've been together for years*

Cameron: I... Iiii.. wut

Ari: *with slight regret* I'll be back *Leaves running*

Cameron: Wait I just let this guy leave me alone on a beach at night! He kissed me! How do I know he won't run away. Wait I just had my first kiss! *turns on this tiny pocket sized flashlight that lights up the entire rock face of the cliff the beach sits on* Wouw... I don't know how shallow he is but I'd come back for this flashlight.

Narrator: Cameron collects whatever scrap wood he could find, growing a large pile by the time Ari came back following the immensely powerful vibrator sized flashlight as a beacon.

Ari: Aright! Let's see what we got here...

Cameron: You kissed me.

Ari: Lemme just get started on this fire first.

Cameron: Is this how first times go?

Ari: *fiddling with matches* You mean me not thinking before I act, sure why not.

Cameron: Are we just going to forget that

Ari: *looks him in the eye awkwardly* Yes *Boops Cameron on his snoot*

Cameron: Ahowkey I'll just unpack the tent.

Ari: Oh its one of those spring loaded type deals, just pull off the straps and it will explode.

*Pulls off straps and out pops a giant tent*

Cameron: Oh!

Narrator: Now with the fire blazing and crackling because of moisture, the tent exploded out and tied in place with an inflatable mattress inside (No Ari isn't a creep who just caries around a fuck tent, and it isn't a fuck tent). The two just sit around staring off at the black horizon talking about some deep shit.

Cameron: I was beaten a lot.

Ari: Why

Cameron: Governor Shit-ass was for corporal punishment

Ari: What the cold American family

Cameron: Yup

Ari: You wanna talk about it.

Cameron: No.

Ari: What did they do.

Cameron: Everything.

Ari: Tell me.

Cameron: Nothing was ever right. I couldn't make my bed straight, speak without stuttering, keep straight A+(s) for 4 year.

Ari: *hold him* you're not alone.

Cameron: At some point, he couldn't stand me so much he put me in an orphanage in his town to teach me a lesson.

Ari: Did they also beat you?

Cameron: All because of him.

Ari: Hey, come here... ya wanna know something? One time my Dad was having one of his fits, and he threw me across the house so hard my arm broke in half. I came back at him so hard he lost consciousness.

Cameron: I've never been naked.

Ari: What.. how?

Cameron: I mean I bathe and everything, but in living alone for 2 years, I've never just been naked.

Ari: Was it Governor Shit-ass?

Cameron: The orphanage had a very creative way of punishing those who explore themselves.

Ari: What?

Cameron: The doctor said I started puberty, and the a week later, I got my first boner. I didn't understand what was happening so I ran to the bathroom and started poking around at it. And a nun followed me thinking I was sick, but she caught me, and she thought I was masturbating.

Ari: ..

Cameron: Then she dragged me out of the bathroom and kicked me senseless.

Ari: No

Cameron: But it didn't end there. The next day they took me to the auditorium, which had a thrust built out for a play. They stood me in the middle of the thrust and told me to strip.

Ari: Did you?

Cameron: I didn't understand why, but after I finished stripping and was just stood up there ashamed of myself I heard a storm of foot steps coming towards the door. I tried to run but the nuns were all there looking at me. Then the entire orphanage burst in looking confused until one boy pointed at me and started laughing.

Ari: Oh my god

Cameron: I tried to cover myself up but a nun whipped me on my back and told me to straighten up and put my hands on my head. *now crying a little* and I did.

Ari: *holds him tighter*

Cameron: Then she said, "This is what happens when you explore

your body, you have to share what you found!"

Ari: That's terrible

Cameron: The boys were just pointing at me laughing, and the girls were giggling and disgusted. I couldn't do anything but stand up there and cry. Then the nuns cleared a path for me to walk out naked and alone with my hands on my head, then they led me to my dorm and left me to get dressed.

Ari: ..

Cameron: I cried in my bed for hours until the rest of the boys came to go to sleep. I heard them talk about me, but they didn't notice me.

Ari: You were hiding.

Cameron: The next day no-one would look at me straight, and even one kid pantsed me in the middle of class so that everybody me see my bare ass like yesterday.

Ari: Hey look at me, that's all in the, loook at me. You're 18, you're out of the system. I'm here for you.

Cameron: *hugges Ari as hard as he could*

[FUCKING BOOKMARK]

Ari: D.. Do you want to be naked?

Cameron: Yes.

Ari: Ok come here, stand up. I'm here for you, just follow my lead.

*Ari standing on his knees starts unbuttoning Cameron's shirt slowly*

*Cameron watches him as one half of his face is pitch black and the other glows in the fire*

*Ari gets to the bottom of the buttons, and pulls his shirt off, letting it fall to the ground*

Ari: How do you feel?

Cameron: Nervous.

*Ari undoes Cameron's belt and with one swift move pulls it out leaving it a few feet away*

*Cameron feels his pants drop slightly, suddenly he feels some of that same fear from the orphanage*

*Ari undoes the single button holding Cameron's pants up and slowly lets them drop while looking him in the eyes*

*Cameron feels his knees shutter*

Ari: Now how do you feel?

Cameron: Scared.

Ari: Do you wanna keep going?

Cameron: *nods*

*Ari looks at Cameron's underwear, they were big loose black boxers*

*Ari slowly moves his hands up Cameron's smooth legs to his pants and gently grabs each side*

*Cameron remembers the feeling of that one boy who too pantsed him and prepares to cover what's underneath*

*Ari pulls, ever so gently and slowly taking in every moment of the experience, Cameron is about to break out of a thick shell. The waist line almost got to the base of Cameron's cock when he moves his hands in to cover himself.*

*Ari continues to pull until they're all the way down*

*Cameron has his head down, he's all tense... like he's hiding*

Ari: Look at me *tilts Cameron's head up*, how do you feel?

Cameron: Alone.

*Ari swiftly grabs Cameron and gently lays him on his back, on the sand, next to the fire and sits over him. All of Ari's dreads flow off the the right, away from the fire, forming a curtain. The fire illuminates Ari's whole face glowed in the fire*

*Ari grabs Cameron's wrists, still firmly covering what little was left, and moves them to his sides. Cameron is now totally exposed*

Ari: *softly* How do you feel?

Cameron: Like running away.

*Ari puts hand on Cameron's chest. Even if he wanted to, Cameron couldn't run away... but he didn't want to.*

Ari: What about now?

Cameron: I want to scream.

*Ari comes down and kisses him on the lips, he was so slow and took his time*

*Cameron whimpers slightly, he can feel Ari's tongue slowly slip through his lips and rest on his tongue. The sensations, emotions, and fears finally got to him and he blacked out*

Narrator: Ok what? I just got back in after I was forced out of the script because I was labeled a distraction for this scene. Ok.. so, the night goes by and Cameron slept like a rock. The next day he wakes up to the sun and finds himself undisturbed, the fire somehow went on all night and Ari was asleep at his side. There were a few people at the beach that early, all nude... turns out this was a nudist beach. Cameron pays them no mind as he walks into the ocean to wake himself up; the water is warm. Ari wakes up a few minutes later and sees Cameron's white hair glisten in the sun as he plays in the water. Ari found some of that weird instant-coffee-juice-shit and pours out 2 red solo cups. When Cameron got back, his smooth white skin wet and glowing in the sun, he sat down on Ari's lap, wrapped his arms around his neck and started to make out with him. Neither of them cared that they were being watched.