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borisbubbles · 1 year

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Eurovision 2023 PRESHOW - part 1: the BAD entries

Okay, so here we go.

37 Countries, and sadly not as much time as I would like to cover all of them.

Thus, 37 rambly write ups in which i loquaciously air my gripes and grievances about the upcoming famewhores / artists competing at the 2023 Eurovision Song Contest.

There will be no holds barred and no prisoners taken. This year is trashy, some of it shit, but a lot of it is more fun than last year’s Rulll Musique!! 🙂

In this post we’ll deal with the BAD ENTRIES so we get them out of the way and you know who to hold in contempt for the next two months.

Without further ado, in last place we have:

37. GREECE Victor Vernicos - “What they say” Semifinal 2, slot #08

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There’s quite a bit of subparness in this mix, but nothing is quite as tragic as this miscarriage of a song. It’s already bad enough that you have to rig an internal selection. It’s embarrassing to rig it for this absolute garbage. Was the scandi money worth the price of your top 10 streak, ERT? Was it really?!

Okay, so first and foremost “What they say” has some of the worst chord progression at this contest. Overproduced, obnoxious, cloying and abrasive, all at the same time. Its general cadence is that of an American driving in shift-stick gear. Why does it constantly interrupt itself? Is this supposed to create dramatic pauses where we can figure out what words he’s supposed to have said?

Secondly, the fucking CURSED singing. I don’t care how good of a vocal talent you are, but if you twist your words like marble-mouthed goober into intelligibility such as “assholes make joy no one loses their whey” you’ve fucked up. WHY do the indie zoomer cunts insist on engaging in this tomfoolery? Do they think it gives them a personality and makes them relevant?

Thirdly,

“Cuz u no wud dey seh?

” THEY SAY, *WHAT*?!

The message. The older I get, the fewer fucks I am willing to spare yet another mewling milktoother whining about “how fucked up the world is, it’s too late for me”. Yet, here we are, “a lost soul” (sorry, “asshole”) and “hurt one” (sorry, “huyt wun”) who solemny declares for nobody but himself his precious little feelings are hurt and thus his life is over.

:inhales:

YOU ARE SIXTEEN!!! 😤😤😤😤

HOW CAN YOU SAY YOUR LIFE IS OVER, YOU’RE FUCKING SIXTEEN!!!!

this is like when Sebastian Rejman and Elliot Vassamillet implied that they would ACTUALLY HAVE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS about how bad a place the world is, when in reality they’re so fucking white upper middle class their privilege ALONE enabled them to bore us with soapbox preaching. Even if we don’t assume this isn’t some self-aggrandising hyperbole - having a cause to live and die for is great mate, but if you’re really going down that rabbit hole of “it being too late” at that point in your life, take a step back, get some professional counselling and don’t go to Eurovision, where you get shredded apart by fat frumpy arseholes like me!

Odds at Eurovision - Greece

I’m inclined to say this gets through, because it IS Greece and good lord Denmark is also voting for this, aren’t they? Like unironically even WITHOUT taking the fact that he’s half a Dane (X___X) into account.

And yet... I will point out that when Argo and Yianna NQ’d, Greece were performing in the same semifinal as Cyprus. 🙂

Besides, “What they say” is so ROTTED that I could absolutely see it receive votes from just Cyprus and Denmark and then nothing from any other country, dooming it to NQ purgaory. I would feel more confident if (1) we knew how Victor’s live performance skills are (given that he has no experience, i’m willing to guess they’re not very good) (2) Cyprus were actually much, much better than Greece, so they could deliver the killing blow by hoovering up the Hellene vote. Sadly, Cyprus picked Andrew Lambrou. (more on *that* soon.) if Victor does go through, I think he’s a serious contender for last place in the finale. 🙂

Qualifier Tier: C Predicted placement: 8-14th (semi), 20-26th (Grand Final)

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36. ISRAEL Noa Kirel - “Unicorn” Semi 1, slot #10

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Remember when Starbucks pioneered Unicorn Lattes, which were the saccharine multicolour abominations the zoomers pretended to like because they were in vogue? That’s the first thing I think about whenever Noa Kirel springs to mind. 🙂

The Fandom’s tastes have reached a new low if ANY woman with ANY even remotely uptempo song can be deemed “a slay” because of her gender, privilege and money. Like seriously. Europe selects a few straight male acts (none of which are honestly *bad*) in a row and the fan bubble IMMEDIATELY -out of what I assume has to be a combination of Stockholm Syndrome and latent misandry- imprint onto the first woman they see and crown her a queen without second thoughts.

Like yeah, sure Unicorn is phenomen-phemonen phenominally bad. Like on several levels? Unicorn is actually not offensive because it’s pandering and annoying (although it is very much is both of those things), but because it’s so fucking BORING and it has no excuse to be that way.

Unicorn is a wash of different styles, none of which go together btw, all of which tap into the lowest and commonest of denominators. Its scuffed parts are equally far away from “slay”. The worst offender is the dance break at the end that does NOT suit the rest of the song, drawn inspiration from Efendi’s MATA HARI (honestly how doesn’t Israel just crawl under a rock in SHAME after doing that).

BUT THE POWER OF A YOO-KNEE-CAWN!!! whatever the fuck that means.

What also gets to me is that, despite the superficial shittiness of the catchphrases and buzzwords and fucking STUPID hand gestures, Israel also seem to not only expect the fandom to support them, but act like they’re entitled to it.

What you are entitled to Israel, is a big fat:

If there’s one act this year that has ZERO rights to be arrogant, it’s this one.

ODDS AT EUROVISION - ISRAEL

I’m going to be very brief here: this is bottom five in the grand final. We all know, deep down that Unicorn will fail to impress and everyone will simultaneously come to the conclusion that it’s really fucking shit, and it’ll strand itself in an obsequious 23rd place. End of story. Not wasting any more time on that.

It will qualify though. In a semi with more songs, and also more competitive songs in general, it would struggle to stand out and be on the cusp of qualification. This year though... Israel only need to beat five others, and three of those include Ireland, Azerbaijan and Netherlands, so... it’s through. Someone else will be that semi’s shock NQ.

Qualifier tier: B- Predicted Placement: 8th-10th (semi), 21st-25th (Grand Final)

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35. CROATIA Let 3 - “Mama ŠČ!” Semifinal 1, slot #07

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Imagine being subjected to that and having zero reaction to that whatsoever. If you can imagine that, welcome to my world! 😑

Yeah so, I can sort of respect the logic behind choosing Let 3 - Dora reached an all-time low with no real options (Harmonia Dissonance fully lived up to their name 😔) and Let 3 are a well-known and very well-established Shock Value Novelty Band, so might as well go for it!

The problem is that they’re fucking shit! 🙂

Like, “Mama ŠČ!” is the sort of nihilistic novelty nonsense i’d expect a Montenegro or San Marino to go for and, I’m not sure if you’ve noticed over the years, but I generally don’t care about the tomfoolery those countries send? I’d rather have something vapid that is pleasant to listen to, than something humourous but barely listenable.

Also, the humour. I understand some people find Let 3 funny. I don’t. At all. I think the problem is largely that “Mama ŠČ!” tries to go for Shock Value, but I find none of it particularly shocking? Dressing up a pasty white man as Lenin throwing missiles while yelling CROCODILE PSYCHOPATH isn’t particularly witty and -given the *actual missile throwing* going on in ukraine right now- kinda poor in taste?

I dunno. As you can tell, I respect Croatia MORE than Israel and Greece, because their entry isn’t just a safe attempt at qualification that will cruise to a bottom ten finish. It actually has a clear concept and identity! Sadly that doesn’t take away that it’s actually just kinda crap really. 😐

ODDS AT EUROVISION - CROATIA

This is the first of many entries in this year with an absurdly wide range in terms of where it can finish at the scoreboard.

So first off, there IS a chance the humor just doesn’t land and it NQ’s anyway. Given that the field in the first semi is what it is, I’m tempted to say that, like Israel, Croatia are through by default and perhaps more securely.

However unlike Israel, I could see this getting a good chunk of televotes, and I’m not sure whether I like this? Let 3 unironically remind me of two other godawful novelty entries (So Lucky and We Are The Winners) and I despise the idea of Croatia getting similar traction in a televote. This year generally has a lot of fun trash on offer, and it can do much better than this.

Still, I do think there’s a certain *appeal* for this, in the same sense there was a market for Ikke fucking Hüftgold. It could be a shock top 10! it could also just be ignored by everyone for being shit and annoying and get last in the finale. 🤷‍♀️

Qualifier tier: B Projected placement: 5th-12th (Semi), 13th-20th (Grand Final)

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34. SWITZERLAND Remo Forrer - “Watergun” Semi 1, slot #08

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I present to you: exhibit #1 to why i’m pleased juries are banned from the semi’s. 🙂 and of course the proof comes courtesy of Shitzerland.

So let’s get the USP out of the way first: Remo is a twink with a baritone’s voice aren’t you AMAZED?! Not really? Like he’s got a good voice but that’s not what I watch Eurovision for. I don’t admire people just because they’re competent at the things they’re supposed to be good at in the first place. (Well I don’t admire other people in general, period.) Sadly, Remo’s vocal chops are the only positive thing about “Watergun”!

To be fair I’m -at this stage at least- more bored than i’m annoyed, but the more I think about it, the more i realize that ‘Watergun” is rancid and deserves to be placed amongst the other bad entries. It really just is an uninspired, empty, bland-as-béchamel Voice Lauriate’s First Power Ballad Single, and honestly does anyone care about these? Nobody had a care when Will Church and Atle Pettersen sang their boring songs in a competent, powerful voice, and likewise nobody cares about Remo :-)

You will also notice that I’m not even addressing the, ah, very interesting choice of going with those lyrics and that message, at this point in time. I’m not going to indulge in that... yet. Such is the price of being EVIL on purpose. 🙂

Odds at Eurovision - SWITZERLAND

I REALLY want to believe in twink death, but good grief, look at semi 1. There are only five NQs, and more than five unvotable songs in it.

Rationally, Switzerland are less secure than most because -again- the televote did NOT turn up for Will Church or Atle Pettersen, but i’m not feeling as confident as I’d like. There are other countries in that semi which are equally hopeless or potentially even more of a televote repellent, so I guess by *default* Shitz could sneak in in like... 9th-10th?

As far as who would pick up their phone and vote for this, I honestly don’t have a clue. Cat ladies? Old Farts? Guillible fools? Idk. Certainly nobody with a will to live their best life. Like Victor, Remo is also an unironic contender for a bottom placement in the finale. Unlike Greece though, the path Remo will follow towards the bottom will involve him receiving several smaller jury votes, with another 0 from the televote as the coup de grâce.

Qualifier tier: C Projected Placement: 9th-14th (Semi), 19th-26th (Grand Final)

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NEXT UP: The mediocrities that I sorta pity and hold in contempt, but don’t have a particular dislike for. 🙂

#Eurovision 2023 #ESC 2023 #Liverpool 2023 #Preshow Ranking #BorisBubbles #Croatia #Let 3 #Mama SC!#Israel #Noa Kirel #Unicorn #Greece #Victor Vernicos #What They Say #Switzerland #Remo Forrer #Watergun

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