#Wow I had to sit and think about that last one for a min

[zegrasdrysdale]

under the mistletoe [ n. hischier ]

day one of malia’s christmas fic marathon

pairing : Nico Hischier x fem!reader

summary : Nico needs a date for the Devils Christmas party so he turns to his best friend and asks if she doesn't mind being his fake date to the party

warning(s) : none. just enjoy the fluff :)

author’s note : day one is here. 11 more days to go. y’all are gonna be experiencing all kinds of up and downs during this fic marathon, but i hope y’all have a lot of fun

༺═──────────────═༻

The texts come through while she's already getting dressed for one of her other friend's party.

neeks 𓆩♡𓆪 - 6:01 pm i need to ask you for a huge favor. can you be my date for the devs christmas party tn ?

it starts at 7:30 and pally is hosting this year

i'll pick you up in like 45 mins and drive us both over. there will be lots of free food and drinks. can you please come with me ?

The only reason she agrees to go is because she's getting ready for a Christmas party. She has her makeup done and she can definitely get her hair done in less than forty-five minutes. Nico is always early for things so she expects him to show up a few minutes early to pick her up.

She has on a short dark red dress with spaghetti strap sleeves. It falls just past her ass and hugs her body. It has a dark sparkle to it when it hits the light. She pairs the dress with matching heels.

A loud knock rings through her small apartment as she's tying her slicked back hair into a tight ponytail. As soon as she's done, she runs to the front door in her heels.

On the other side stands Nico in one of his game day suits. He has on a red tie instead of a black one. His hair is gelled back and he's clean shaven. His big brown eyes take her in as soon as the door opens.

"Wow, look at you, Hischier," she teases as she leans against the doorway. She also just really needed to say something because she could feel her cheeks getting hot the longer Nico stared at her. "You clean up nicely."

Nico lets out a light laugh. "This is nothing," he replies. "I wear a suit like this pretty much every day."

She grabs her dark red jacket from the hook by the door. "I was talking about this," she comments as she pats Nico's smooth cheek. "Anyway, is the party at Pally's place or did he rent something out like Jack did last year?"

"In Jack's defense, he had a pretty small apartment," Nico tells her as they take the elevator down to the first floor. "He didn't have Luke living with him yet so he had to rent something out. But yes, it is in Pally's house this year. I heard he went all out with decorations and catering."

He holds the door to the building open so (Y/N) can click through it in her heels. Nico is right behind her. "Cool," she replies. "I've never been to Ondrej's house. His wife and little girl are so sweet though."

They're settled in Nico's car when he looks over. "Um, so I just wanted you to know that I may have told the team in a heat-of-the-moment thing that I was going to be bringing my girlfriend to the party," he admits to her.

(Y/N)'s eyes widen when she realizes what it means. "Are you telling me that you need me to fake being your girlfriend tonight?" she asks.

"I told you it was a huge favor," Nico reminds her. "Please say that you will do it. I don't want to be seen by my team as a liar so I need you to be my girlfriend for tonight only. If it's a lot then you don't have to but I would really-"

"Okay," she interrupts. "Tonight only. I want the full girlfriend experience though. No half-assing it, got it? I want hand holding and arms around my shoulders while we're sitting together."

If she is going to be Nico's pretend girlfriend for the night, she wants to go all out. Not to mention that if this is going to be the only time she will be Nico's girlfriend then she wants the whole thing.

The whole damn thing.

"Got it," he replies. "Anything else?"

"Not unless you think something is right to do at that moment."

༺═──────────────═༻

The Palat house is stunning. The snow that has fallen over the last few days makes it even more gorgeous. The outdoor decorations brighten up the building.

Cars are already parked up and down the street even though it’s still a little early. Nico helps (Y/N) out of his car when they park so she doesn’t slip on the ice that’s on the sidewalk. He offers her his arm and she happily hooks hers with his.

“I’m happy you agreed to come with me,” Nico says to her as they walk up the shoveled pavement to the front door. “I know I kind of tricked you into coming with me as my girlfriend but I get to hang out with my best friend all night so it’s a win-win for both of us.”

Best friend. The ultimate friendzone.

It’s a win-win for Nico. All she gets out of it is free food and a glimpse at what it would be like to be in an actual relationship with Nico.

“Yeah.” She puts a smile on her face despite how she feels and Nico rings the doorbell. (Y/N) lets out a quiet sigh as the door swings open.

Ondrej stands on the other side when the door swings open. “Welcome, guys,” he says. “Everyone is getting a drink and talking in the living room until dinner is ready. Come on in.”

Nico greets his teammate with a clap on the back and (Y/N) gives him a hug and a “it’s nice to see you again” before the two of them head into the living room. Palat takes her jacket before they go see the rest of the boys in the living room. Nico has his hand in hers as they turn the corner into the room.

Every single pair of eyes in that room is on (Y/N) and Nico. The guys that brought someone with them sit or stand with them at their side. Nearly everyone has a drink in their hand.

“When were you going to tell us that (Y/N) was your girlfriend, Nico?” Jack asks from the couch. “When we make playoffs and she got a jacket?”

Nico smiles and shakes his head. “I was going to tell you all eventually,” he tells his team. “We’ve just been enjoying the new change in our relationship. Right, liebling?”

In the years that she’s known him, she hears some of the names he’s called his girlfriends. She’s even looked some of them up because she didnt know what they meant.

The fact that Nico just called her one of his German nicknames sends a chill up her spine.

She shivers a bit and takes a step closer to Nico. “Yes,” she eventually agrees when she recovers enough to form words. “We’ve been enjoying our little bubble. We weren’t ready for it to burst but when Nico said that his teammates wanted to be introduced, I couldn’t say no.”

(Y/N) looks up at him with a smile on her face and wraps her arm around his. Nico looks down at her and mirrors her smile.

“I think it’s about time,” Jesper says from the other side of the room. “I mean, the way he talks about you in the locker room sometimes, (Y/N). I was hoping the two of you were together.”

That’s news to her. “Oh, what do you say about me in the locker room?” she asks sweetly to Nico. “I hope it is all appropriate.”

Some of the guys snicker, which results in their own date swatting them on the shoulder.

Nico’s face turns light red. “Just about how much I like being with you,” a flustered Nico replies. “I say that I can’t wait to see you when I know that we have plans. I tell them how happy I am when I know you’re up in the suite at home games. The usual stuff, you know?”

His words surprise her, especially because they aren’t actually together. He’s been making it sound like they are together.

It throws her off a little but she decides to play along.

“I say the same thing to my friends,” she lies. “About how excited I am to watch him play or when I know we are going out after. I especially tell them about how hot I think he is with that ‘C’ on his chest. I mean I have to cool off a little when I think about it sometimes.”

There are a few whistles around the room and (Y/N) stares up at Nico with a sly smile on her face.

It isn’t a lie. Nico might be her best friend but she has wished for years that he would see her as more than his best friend. She talks about how hot he is to her other friends all the time. Especially when he’s on the ice.

“You’re both so disgustingly in love,” Jack comments. “The way you look at each other makes me sick.”

They must be better actors than they thought.

Well, at least Nico must be because (Y/N) doesn’t know how much acting she’s actually doing right now.”

Dinner is ready shortly after. Everyone gathers around the table as best they can with the room they have. She is sitting so close to Nico that she’s basically on his lap. Not that she would mind that but Nico would.

Chicken is served as the main course. Rolls, salad, and pasta are served on the side. (Y/N) devours all of it because it’s so good.

Haula’s wife, Kristen, sits next to (Y/N). She asks, “So how long have you and Nico been together?”

“Just a few weeks,” she replies as soon as she swallows her bite of salad. “It hasn’t been too long.”

“The honeymoon phase is the best part,” Kristen tells her. “Sometimes I think Erik and I are still in ours. It truly is the best time in any relationship. Enjoy it.”

She looks over at Nico, who is laughing at something Jonas said next to him. “I’m trying,” she replies.

After dinner and dessert, a couple of the guys leave. They thank Palat for hosting before heading out the door.

(Y/N) finds herself on the couch beside Nico with a glass of red wine in her hand. Nico has had a few beers tonight so either she’s driving home since she’s only had one glass of wine or they’re calling an Uber. She can tell that Nico isn’t all here right now.

He has an arm draped around her shoulders while he talks to Akira, Timo, Tyler, and Jack above something hockey related. It’s always hockey related with this group.

She quietly sips her wine while the five of them talk about their next game against Detroit.

It’s weird but when she looks around the room, she doesn’t feel out of place. She’s already friends with a bunch of the guys’ wives and girlfriends. She’s babysat some of their kids during or after games. She knows all the guys on the team.

The only thing that’s weird is that she isn’t actually his girlfriend. It sucks because she’s been in love with him for well over a year and he has no idea or hasn’t shown any interest in being with her.

“Uh oh,” Jack suddenly says. “Look up Nico.”

When Nico looks up, so does (Y/N). Jesper and Palat stand behind them. Jesper is holding a piece of fake mistletoe.

“Oh shit,” Dawson laughs. “Get it, cap.”

A few of the remaining guys laugh.

Nico looks over at (Y/N) and raises his eyebrows in question. “Should we give it to them?” he asks while chants of “kiss her” break out around the room.

Not unless you think something is right to do at that moment. That’s what she said when she agreed to come as Nico’s fake girlfriend.

This is that moment.

Without even answering the question, (Y/N) leans over into Nico and presses a chaste kiss to his lips. She can taste the beer he’s been drinking throughout the night from that quick kiss.

His eyes are wide when she sits back a little bit, but he it doesn’t look like he hated it.

Actually, Nico leans into her and presses a longer kiss to her lips. Her hand flies to the back of his neck and one of his hands falls to her thigh right under where her dress ends.

Without realizing she’s doing it, (Y/N)’s fingers are playing with the ends of his hair. She thought he needed a haircut recently but now she doesn’t mind his longer hair.

Nico is the first one to break the kiss. He pulls back slowly and meets her eyes. His lips are red and slightly kiss-bruised. Her heart races in her chest.

She’s afraid that something has truly shifted between them, then Nico whispers, “Wow.” All her fears melt away and she smiles at him.

“We didn’t need all that,” Timo teases.

“I feel like I’m intruding on something,” Erik says.

Suddenly, Nico stands up and pulls (Y/N) up with him. “I think we’re going to head out,” he tells everyone. “I will see you all at practice tomorrow morning. Have a good night.”

Before she can protest, (Y/N) is being herded toward the Nico. Nico quickly helps her put her jacket on before they walk out into the cold air. It’s started to snow again as they leave the house.

The door shuts behind them and (Y/N) finally asks, “Why are we leaving?”

“Because,” Nico stammers. “Because-” He’s cut off when she slips on some ice. He quickly grabs her at the waist and holds her up so she doesn’t fall. Her entire body is pressed against him. “Because I was a little mad that our first kiss happened under some mistletoe.”

She raises her eyebrows. “Our first kiss?” she asks. “I don’t understand. I thought that was going to be our only kiss.”

Nico’s hands slide under her jacket and grip her waist. His nose grazes hers as he asks, “What if I don’t want to only have one kiss with you?”

Her heart jumps in her chest and she prays that Nico didn’t feel it. “I don’t want that to be our only kiss,” she softly tells him. “I’ve been waiting forever to kiss you, Nico. I don’t want that to be the only time I kiss you.”

He takes her chin between his thumb and pointer finger. “Then kiss me like you mean it this time, liebling.” Nico’s voice is a whisper when he talks.

(Y/N) doesn’t hesitate. She gets higher on her toes and presses a hard and deep kiss to his lips.

It might be freezing and snowing, but all she can feel is the warmth against her lips and her body. She never wants to let go now that she’s had a taste.

༺═──────────────═༻

MAIN MASTERLIST

have a request ? check out the guidelines !

wanna be added to the taglist ? fill out this form !

taglist : @dancerbailey3 @dasiysthings

[avianyuh]

Boring | Min Yoongi

{Chapter One} {Chapter Two} Chapter Three

Summary: Friday morning comes and you do as Yoongi asks. But what exactly did he want to ask you in the first place?

Word Count: 3k

And so here you were. Friday morning, nervous and standing outside of Min Yoongi’s door. You came in early, just as he did. So early in fact, that even his assistant hadn’t even arrived. You paced outside of his door for a minute or two, before building up the courage to just bite the bullet and knock on his door. “Mr. Min, it’s Y/N.” You see, the reason why you were so on edge was because, you now found yourself very attracted to Yoongi. Well, to be fair, you always found him attractive, but now it was for other reason. You genuinely found him intriguing. You were up most of the night grappling with if you should try to make any moves with him. BUt though you wanted love, you also enjoyed having an income and what was mainly stopping you was the fear of Yooni rejecting you and potentially firing you for putting the moves on him. And because you weren;’t entirely sure if you were both on the same page, you decided to continue to feel him out for as long as possible.

As you placed your hand on the doorknob, you felt a force against the door. Yoongi swung the door open, which took you aback. Normally, they give you permission to come into an employer's office, not necessarily opening the door for you. It was just a little surprising. “Y/N”, Yoongi greeted you, smiling and looking frankly, quite energized. A sight you never thought you’d see of him. “Wow, I said I was was coming in early, I hope you didn’t think I expected you to show up early too?”Yoongi joked as he sat down on his couch, the same one the two of you had your dinner on two nights ago.

“Oh, actually sometimes I come in early if I have extra work to do. And since you said you had an assignment…Well I just thought it’d be the best time to come in.”, you tried to cover for coming in so early. You didn’t think he’d mention it. Truthfully, you were just so excited to get more one on one time with him. All you had on your mind as of lately was him.

“Please”, Yoongi gestured towards the empty seat next to him on the couch, “Sit”, he smiled. You sat next to him, positioning yourself so you were facing him completely. You took note of the way he looked today. Just as always, he was wearing a suit, except this one was gray and the tie was navy blue. His hair was growing out a bit, since his bangs were starting to cover his eyes just a little. But to you, it gave his face more charm and it made him seem even more human to you. I guess even CEO’s neglect making hair appointments too…, you thought to yourself.

“So”, you started, staring into his eyes, which were already locked on your own. As Yoongi continued to stare at you, you couldn’t help but notice that he seemed distracted. Yes he was staring at you, but he didn’t seem fully there despite his good mood. You wondered why he wanted to speak to you if he had other matters to attend to in the first place. You could’ve used that extra half an hour before work to watch some TV, but you rushed over to the office thinking he had something important. “Uh, you said you had an assignment?”, you questioned. He looked at you, his lips were in a tight line and he seemed nervous. You wondered why, and of course with you being the pessimist you are, assumed that you were about to be fired for god knows what reason.

“Yes, I uh, actually got another call, this time from another client of ours, Yamamoto? Do you remember that group?”, you pondered for a minute, recalling if you had ever worked on anything for them in the past.

“Hm, I don’t think I’ve gotten any work assigned in regard to Yamamoto…”, you stated, shrugging your shoulders. “Weren’t they recently acquired?”, you questioned as you waited for Yoongi’s response.

“Yes, last April. And you’re right, you haven’t been assigned anything from them but I did just hold a meeting yesterday over the phone with his company and they also have some last minute changes they need done to their files. We have about 10 files that we’ll be using next week, Tuesday I’m pretty sure. I checked your work schedule, it seems that you’re clear today…I was thinking you could work on it with me today in my office? Of course, if you have other things to do, I completely understand…” You were shocked at the proposal. But were appreciative of the fact that this time, instead of being given an ultimatum, he seemed to genuinely want to work with you and had left the ball in your court.

“Mr.Min? Are you sure, I mean, I haven’t done any work for the Yamamoto group, I just don’t want to mess anything up.”, you explained to him. He smiled at you and placed his hand on your shoulder.

“That’s why we’ll work together. I wanted to ask you because…well, I think we made a great team on the Smith file. Plus, we don’t have to rush, whatever we can’t do today, we’ll finish on Monday. Also please, it's Yoongi. ” You felt reassured by him and just like always you felt that giddy feeling brewing inside of you. A whole day, locked in Yoongi’s office with him. You didn’t know how to feel about it.

The morning was pretty tame. Yoongi set up a spare desk for you, placed diagonally to his own. The morning was spent working on the first four files, with a little small talk here and there. It wasn’t until you heard people moving around outside that you realized it was lunchtime. And that was when you heard a knock at the door. Yoongi was sitting at his desk, black framed glasses on his face as he held up a piece of paper, looking focused on what he was reading. He didn’t even glance towards the door, just casually saying, “Come in.” In walked his assistant. She didn’t even look at you, though you still smiled at her. She never seemed to be overly friendly, maybe that’s why she worked so well as Yoongi’s assistant?

“Mr.Min, it’s lunch time, do you want me to bring you up your usual?”, she asked as she intertwined her hands behind her back. She was tall, had long hair that was pulled back into a low ponytail. She wore heels which gave her location away any time she would walk around the office. Yoongi looked up from whatever he was reading, and turned his attention towards you.

“Do you want something from the cafeteria? Or do you want to go out for lunch?”, he questioned. You were surprised he would offer to take you out to lunch. But you didn’t want to get unfair treatment so you tried to decline.

“Oh the cafeteria’s fine. I’ll run down and get something quickly…”, you said, standing up from your chair. Yoongi stood up, murmuring something to the assistant. She turned around and walked out, still not acknowledging you.

“Nonsense. Friday is always the worst day to eat down there. I’m not exactly sure how fresh the food is by Friday…but you didn’t hear that from me.”, he joked. “No one should be out there, let’s go out for a few minutes, get some fresh air?”, he stated, grabbing his coat.

“Well, if you insist.” you surrendered. Following him out of his office door.

30 minutes later you were sitting at a table outside with Yoongi. You had finished eating and were now just talking. “When I was a kid, I used to be on my school’s basketball team. My mother always wanted me to do something more academic, but at that age, all I was interested in was sports.” You listened intently as Yoongi reminisced about his childhood. The topic came up when you had asked him about his hometown. He told you a little about his family, and how he got homesick some days.

“Do you still play?”, you questioned. You had your head resting on one of your hands as you waited for his response. You found him so intriguing. You wondered how someone so quiet could have such an energetic hobby.

“Truthfully? No, I wish I did, but whatever time I get out of work, I’m usually just home.” He sat with his arms folded across his chest as he stared back at you.

“I’d like to see you play one time…See if you still got it.”, you joked as you watched him look down and smile.

“Well, that could be arranged. But what about you? Where’s your hometown?”, he questioned, giving you a concentrated look.

“My hometown is here, but my family moved a few towns over three years ago, so it’s just been me ever since. It gets pretty lonely. But I’m the same way, after work I just go home. I’m friends with two of the people I work with, so sometimes I go out with them.” He hummed understanding.

“Were they the two women you were walking out with last night?”, you nodded. “Which one looked like she was minutes away from punching me?”, he questioned.

“Ah, that would be Gina”, you laughed. He smiled at you again, and that’s when you fell into a comfortable silence. The two of you were just staring at each other. Under the table you could feel your shoes touching his own. You stayed like that for another minute or so until the waiter approached the table. That was when you both seemed to come back down to earth. Yoongi checked his watch, before explaining that the two of you should start heading back. You reached for your wallet, pulling out your card to pay. “What are you doing?”Yoongi questioned you with a puzzled look on his face.

“Oh, um, I’m paying for my meal”, you explained.

“That’s not necessary, I invited you, I should pay.”, You thought the offer was nice but didn't feel right about letting him pay for two of your meals.

“No Yoongi, I let you pay for takeout on Wednesday, this is the least I could.”, you tried.

“I invited you on Wednesday to order something too, please just let me pay”, he pleaded as he placed his hand on top of your hand as he moved your hand off the table, the same hand that was holding your card. You made a tsk sound as you shrugged your shoulders. You watched as he gleefully handed his card over to the waiter, giving you a smirk. You playfully shook your head, you couldn’t believe that this was the same man you had been watching around the office for 8 months.

Back at the office, it was a few more hours of boring work. However, you found it becoming increasingly harder to focus on your work, as you couldn’t help but notice Yoongi taking sneaky glances of you from the corner of your eye. And when you thought he wasn’t looking, you were doing the exact same thing. “I might stay an extra half hour today, just to make sure I finish this last one for the night”, you murmured, not looking up from your desk.

“Then I might as well”, Yoongi replied. You tried to conceal your smile. But you found yourself overjoyed when he was around. Around 5:10, after the office seemed to quiet down from people gathering their things, saying their goodbyes for the weekend and heading for the elevator, Yoongi looked up from the file on his desk, and seemed to squint at the door. You watched as he maneuvered his head to look towards the door, almost like he was checking for something. After another few seconds, he looked back down at his desk. After another half hour, you finished the last page of the file and started to put everything back together, a signal that you were done and packing up. Yoongi watched you as you stood up from your chair, and watched as you glanced at the clock. He stood up and walked over to where you were standing, which was right in front of the door. “I want to thank you again for doing this with me. On my own, this would've taken a week. And if I had asked Taehyung, he would’ve talked too much and it still would’ve taken a week”, he joked. You laughed, thinking back to the time when you had first started working there. Taehyung had been assigned to work with you and you distinctly remember getting off track way too often because Taehyung had a story for everything.

“I don’t blame you for asking. I had fun, which is unusual at work.”, you looked up at him, looking into his dark eyes. He had been inching closer towards you throughout the conversation, but you hadn’t noticed until now. Your breathing became faster as you leaned into the door. You weren’t sure if you were misreading the situation. To be clear, you wanted to kiss him. Badly. But you weren’t a mind reader and didn’t want to make any stupid decisions. “Um”, you whispered, “So, I guess I’ll see you Monday”, you questioned as you reached for the doorknob. He inhaled sharply before stepping away from you.

“Fuck”, he murmured as he ran a hand through his hair.

“Yoongi?”, you asked, “What’s wrong..”, he turned away from you, looking out of his window instead.

“What’s wrong? I can’t stop fucking thinking about you. And I have no idea if it’s just in my head or not. I probably shouldn’t have said anything at all.” At the sound of the confession, you felt your body temperature rise and your heart rate increase. You walked up behind him, taking one of his hands and holding it in your own. He tensed up for a minute, before turning around to face you. He looked down at you, his eyes darting anywhere but your own. He raised his free hand to cup your cheek, and you leaned your head into it. “Can I kiss you?”, he whispered. You bit your lip and nodded silently. And with that, he was cupping your face with both hands now as he crashed his lips onto yours. Your hands traveled from his shoulders to his hair as your bodies walked backwards towards the door. He pressed his body weight into yours. The kiss was deep and it was about a solid minute before either of you came up for air. His tongue made its way into your mouth, and you couldn’t help but moan at the sensation as his hands traveled down your body to your hips.

His fingers pressed into your skin as his lips made their way down to your neck. Your eyes were closed as your breathing became labored. The kisses got wetter and hungrier as Yoongi cupped one of your breasts. His other hand started to play with the buttons on your blouse. He briefly glanced up at you, seemingly asking for silent permission to start unbuttoning your top. In response, you undid the first one before letting him continue. You didn’t know how far this was going to go. And you couldn’t believe that this was happening at all. You wondered if he would regret this come Monday morning when he’d have to see you in your 10 o’clock meeting? A small part of you thought it’d be best to stop him now and get your thoughts collected, but the larger part of you couldn’t imagine telling him to stop.

By now he had half of your blouse undone. Everytime he undid a button, he left a kiss as a replacement. But before he could unfasten the last one, you pulled his face back up towards your own as your lips locked again. The kisses were impatient as he traveled his arm back towards your bra to undo it. You felt it fall as you yourself started to undo his tie and the buttons on his own shirt. And before you knew it, you were both topless. He lifted you up and carried you towards the spare desk you had been sitting at 10 minutes ago. Luckily it was empty as he laid you down on it, before positioning himself on top of you. You felt a bulge in his pants as he continued to cover your body in his kisses. You trailed your hands up and down his back as you closed your eyes. His lips were hot against your skin. But as he traveled further down towards your skirt, you knew it was time to ring him in.

“Yoongi”, you panted, “Not here…”, you said as you pushed him away from your thighs. “I think we should stop until we talk about this…”, he sat up as he pulled you onto his lap.

“What do you want to talk about?”, he asked, moving your hair away from your neck so he could start leaving a trail of kisses.

You let out a sigh, “You’re my boss…I mean, we were about to have sex in your office? What is this, just a one time thing?”, at the mention of the last question, Yoongi halted his movements, before adjusting you so you were completely facing him.

“No, this is whatever you want it to be.”, he stated firmly. “Do you know how long I’ve been watching you? How long I’ve been trying to ignore the fact that you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve set my eyes on. I want you. And I’ve seen you eyeing me the past few months. The last thing I would’ve wanted from you was something temporary.”, he said, caressing your cheek with his thumb.

“Yoongi, what if someone finds out?”, you questioned, worried that you might get him in trouble.

“We’ll have to figure it out. For now we’ll act normal. But tonight, please just come home with me?”, he pleaded as placed a tender kiss on your lips. Your lips danced with his as you hummed against them.

“Okay”, you whispered as you placed your forehead against his own.

~

Note on AO3: OMG, I never write such detailed scenes like that, I hope it seemed convincing. Anyways, not sure if this is the last chapter or not. If it is, I'm happy with the way I ended it, but if not, stay tuned...Summary is lacking this week, but I was trying to not give too much away.

~

My A/N on Tumblr: So I posted this yesterday on AO3 to test out the waters and people really seemed to like it over there. People on AO3 were asking for another part, so I'll probably put out one last chapter to wrap things up. Anyways, you know the drill, have a good day, night, whatever. I love you guyssss.

[probablyoutyappingorsomething]

Summer Camp-C.S- Chapter 1

Warnings- cussing, and skinny dipping (I think that’s it)

Also this is my first fic, lmk what you think, and this is based off of a C.ai bot I talk to so yeah! xoxo- Val💋

I’m not the best teenager, I’ll admit that, but I’m not terrible. Apparently my parents don’t think so though cause they’re the ones sending me to this shitty summer camp anyway, they said it would be a good learning experience, whatever the hell that means. I’m on the bus right now I think we’re about to get off, I see the huge sign that read “Camp Lakeside” yeah hopefully this place has a damn Lake. I grabbed my things and got ready to get off the bus after it came to a complete stop, everyone seemed eager to get off like they’d been here before, or their asses hurt from sitting so long, I know mine does…I shoved myself into the aisle somewhere in the back. After a minute I was the last one off the bus, I took a minute to look around with all my light pink bags in hand. That’s when I saw a guy walking up to me, he was wearing some shorts, his hair looked super fluffy, and his blue eyes made me wanna put on my sunglasses again. “You new here?” he asked with a smug smile on his face that made me wanna slap him (ok maybe I had anger issues too).

“Yeah, and I’m not fucking you if that’s what you want.” I said as I started to walk away to try and find my cabin. “Damn, you rude much?” He asked me as he kept up with my pace, I couldn’t lie he was pretty hot…“Yeah that’s kinda why I’m here in the first place.” I answered as I walked down the dirt trail, to where the girls cabins were. “Sooo, what’s your name?” He asked, this guy was quite the inquisitive one.

“It’s Y/N, you are..?” I asked as I made a turn following the signs along the path. “Names Chris, need help with your bags?” Oh wow another question, surprising. I thought for a minute, I didn’t wanna be a burden but damn some of these bags were heavy. “This one please.” I said as I handed one of the light pink bags to him leaving me a free hand which I used to fix my long light brunette hair. I saw him looking in my peripheral vision, I didn’t mind though, maybe I even liked it- doesn’t matter, my thoughts got interrupted yet again by a question. “So you like- a dancer or something?” he asked as he watched me walk alongside him.

“Uh..no, I like singing though.” I answered, with a small squint on my eyes, the sun was super bright right now, and right in my face. “Oh are you in like choir or something?” he asked, just then I realized how white his teeth were, but I brushed it off. “Nope, I just take voice lessons, I mainly do pop cause I’m an alto and it just fits better.” I answered, with a small smile on my lips. We kept walking up to the girls cabin, “I’m guessing I’ll see you later?” I asked this time as I took the light pink bag from him full of my clothes. “Probably, it’s a small camp after all.” Chris said as he ran a hand through his hair, which was oddly attractive, then started to leave. “See ya.” I called out almost like an impulse, slightly embarrassing myself, I watched as he turned and waved as he kept walking off…damn he was hot.

************************************* I met a few girls, Jennifer, Anastasia and Rose, all very pretty girls and around my age, we all snuck out in the middle of the night to go swimming in the lake, I was wearing a black bikini, hugging my curves and showing my stomach with my hair up in a messy high pony with some strands down.

“It’s hotter than hell out here, I’m about to go skinny dipping.” I joked and the other girls laughed, and Anastasia said “Oh my god Y/N the counselors would literally kick you out if they found out.” I shrugged as I stood up and started undoing my bikini top, throwing it to the side. “Anyone coming with me?” I asked as I took off my bottoms and threw them to the side along with my top, the other girls also stood up and started to undress and jump in, I followed after them.

A couple minutes later we heard guys talking, probably four or five of them, one looked like Chris, but they kept walking and didn’t notice us, this must’ve been a nightly occurrence. “Did they not notice us or did they not care?” I asked as I swam around in the lake a little, the water wasn’t terrible cold for the sun being down.

“They’ll probably come back in a minute, they might wanna talk to you, you’re new and hot, destined to be a man magnet.” Rose answered as we watched the guys turn around and go on the deck where the girls bikinis were, one of the ok-looking ones bent down and started to talk to me.

“Hey you’re pretty nice looking.” He said with a smug smile on his face. “I’m sixteen.” I respond in hopes to get him away, I’m completely naked after all. “Ah, you’re younger than I thought, even better…what’s your name?” He asked, with the same punchable smile on his face.

“None of your business, creep.” I said, I was really uncomfortable with the current situation. “Just go away, Kyler.” Jennifer said from beside me, but this Kyler kid kept going. “Shut the fuck up and go away, I’m not fucking you just cause you haven’t been laid in five months.” I snapped at him. “What did you just say to me?” Kyler asked as his fiends (except Chris) “ooohhhh’d” in the background.

“Why don’t you and your friends turn around so me and my friends can actually get decent, then we can talk.” I said, and everyone seemingly agreed, the guys all walked off the deck and had their backs turned to the girls as we all got dressed, when I was don’t I walked in front of them, my body and hair still wet from the lake. “So you still think I’m a creep?” Kyler asked, “Yeah you saw me naked in a lake then started hitting on me, a little weird don’t ya think?” I fired back almost immediately. “Listen!” He said as he stepped closer and put his hand on my shoulder, making me more uncomfortable in the current situation. “You’re really starting to piss me off, brat.” He said as I shrugged his hand off my shoulder. “You’re really starting to piss me off. No means no idiot.” I said as my white knuckles started to hurt from trying not to punch this guy.

After a long minute of awkward silence the other girls and I started walking back to the cabin, I fell back a little, they were walking so damn fast, next thing I knew there was a hand on my shoulder, I looked up and it was Chris. “I wanna apologize for how that guy was acting, I’m not really his friend but that was really shitty of him.” He said, and I felt some kinda softness in my chest from him apologizing. “Oh thanks, but it’s not your problem..” I said, I’m pretty sure he could see right through me, and my “I’m not flustered at all” act. “So I’ll uh see you tomorrow, Y/N?” Chris asked, his hand still on my shoulder, and matching my walking pace. “Yeah sure, see ya..goodnight.” I said as I kept walking to my cabin, watching as he waved again and walked off to his, just then I knew I had a massive crush on this guy I met…at a Summer Camp…

************************************ Erm. So that’s the end of that chapter lmk if it’s ass or if you have anything that would help me out with the whole writing aspect, DONT WORRY, next chapter things will definitely get escalated, and a little spicy, but nothing huge yet! LYSM-

xoxo- Val💋💋

Tags:

@c0metss

[slutforleeminho]

how about dom maid minho 🥺

btw can i be the 🌌 anon pls

ofc you can be 🌌 anon! wow… this really has the wheels turning in my head

“it’s cute, right?” minho asked, referring to the maid outfit he was currently wearing. his voice was low and deep, even with the cute little dress he was wearing, he was still making you flustered. you were so deep in thought that you didn’t even notice him approach you, until he placed his index finger under your chin and tilted your head up until you tore your eyes off of his thighs that were peaking out from under the skirt to meet his gaze.

“i asked you a question, love” his eyes were dark and overflowing with lust. after a few moments with no answer, he grew impatient and wrapped the hand that was under your chin around your neck and and pushed you until your back pressed against the wall, caging you in between the cold surface, and his body that was radiating heat. “what’s the matter? cat got your tongue?” he continued to tease you “if you don’t like it i can just take it off”

“no!” you grabbed his waist and wrapped your arms around him so he couldn’t create any distance between you two. “i like it. i really, really like it” you watched as the corner of his mouth twitched in amusement at your eagerness and the hand around your neck squeezed lightly before releasing you, only to wrap it around your wrist and lead you to the bed. he sat with his back against the head board, and his legs spread, the lace along the hem of the dress laying over his upper thighs. he put his hands on your hips to lead you onto his lap so you were straddling him.

he looked up into your eyes, his were sparkling, like he was the most innocent thing you’ve ever seen, when in reality he was the farthest thing from innocent, and the next five words that came out of his mouth only proved you right.

“do you want to ride?” his hands kneaded your ass roughly as he spoke so softly. his duality was giving you whiplash, along with the way you nodded your head so fast. he giggled at your reaction and wiggled your pants off and raised the skirt of the dress over his erection revealing he had nothing on underneath. he aligned himself to your entrance and let out a grunt when his tip easily slid through your dripping folds.

“well what are you waiting for? sit on it.” he demanded and you didn’t think twice before sinking down onto his cock until he was fully nestled inside you. you both moaned in unison from the friction, and you rested your forehead against his, trying to steady your breathing. “look at me” he placed his palm against your cheek and wiped away a tear, that you didn’t even know was there, with his thumb. “aww baby does it hurt? or does it feel too good?” he lifted his hips to emphasize the last word, hitting even deeper. “feels so good min” you moaned out, nuzzling your cheek into his palm and only just now noticing the little headband he was wearing. it was black with a little bit of white lace around the edges to match the rest of his outfit and it made your wall’s clench and a whimper to escape your lips. you reached your hand out to touch it and feel it in between your fingertips. minhos grip on your hip tightened and that’s when you realized you were roughly grinding down on him in search for more.

“you really do like this don’t you?” he sounded surprised and like he was more so saying it to himself than actually asking you, but you still answered anyways. “i fucking love this” you were now fully bouncing on him, moaning every time your hips met his. he pulled your shirt up and shoved the hem into your mouth to muffle your moans and so he could watch your tits bounce as you rode him.

you were getting dangerously close and you could tell by the constant twitching of his cock that he was to. “fuck! can i cum?” your voice was high pitched and squeaky. “since you asked so nicely. cum for me, beautiful” you took one last look over his little outfit and you were cumming. your legs basically gave out on you as you collapsed onto him. so he positioned himself and started fucking up into you until he was spilling his seed into you and letting out a string of curses.

after recovering from your orgasm and rolled off of him. he stood and was about to walk to the bathroom to start the shower but stopped when you said his name. “does this mean i wear the pants in this relationship now?” you laughed when he raised an eyebrow.

“sure,” he continued walking to the bathroom, the dress swaying with each step. “if you want to ride me every night, and pay for every meal, and-“

“okay! i get it” you smiled when you heard the shower running and rolled off the bed to join your boyfriend.

[huipinkhair]

Introverts - Zhang Hao x Reader

Final Chapter - Look at me, Y/N~

Synopsis - Zhang Hao was made the student council vice president against his will, when all he wanted was to get through high school quietly. He found himself drawn to the shy member of a student-made band, and has been crushing on them for months. He knows he needs to get his shit together before they graduate and go their separate ways, but doesn’t know if he can break out of his shell in time, or even bother at all.

Taglist - @hwangsm1le @zerobaseonefics @mins-fins @kpoprhia @haesunflower @big-uwu-stan @harus-simp @seungminiesgf @cherriegyu

Written Part - DEFINITELY DONT MISS THIS ONE - 1.7k words

You tap your leg anxiously while sitting in your living room, anticipation building as you wait for Hao to arrive. Standing up, you adjust your outfit meticulously to avoid any creases, glancing at yourself in the hallway mirror. The sound of a brief horn from outside signals your date's arrival. Hastily fixing your hair one last time, you step out to greet Hao.

Leaning against the car's hood, Hao holds his phone in one hand and keeps the other in his pocket. His predominantly black suit stands out with a vibrant red tie, perfectly matching your outfit. His intentionally tousled hair adds to his charm, and his eyes light up as he looks up at you.

"Oh, my god. Hi, wow, you look beautiful," he breathlessly exclaims, taking your hand in his. You nervously laugh, glancing down at your intertwined hands.

"I, thank you, you do, too," you mumble, "aren't we cute, matching like this" you tug a little on his tie. He chuckles, his cheeks flushing pink.

He guides you over to the passenger door of his car, opening it for you before getting in his side and getting you both on your way.

~~~

Pulling up to the hotel the prom was being hosted in, you look in awe at the grandeur this event seemed to have.

"Hanbin really went all out for this, huh?" Hao smiles, unbuckling his seat belt.

"It wasn't just him, the whole council wanted to make this as special as we could. Took the school board a lot of convincing, though." He explains, opening his door and stepping out. He walks over to your side, opening the door and holding his hand out for you. You take it, stepping out gingerly before linking his arm.

Approaching the entrance, a member of the yearbook club waves you over, calling for a picture of the vice president and his date, you glance up at Hao, and he's beaming at the idea. You pose together for a couple of pictures, his hands resting around your waist or on the small of your back, before stepping inside for what you can only describe as the best night of your life.

~~~

Throughout the night, both your groups merged, dancing and enjoying each other's company, but Hao never strays from your side. You catch him stealing glances at you, and you hope your blushing face isn't too evident before you have to go up on stage.

Hanbin places a hand on your arm, accompanied by Keita, Kamden, and Jay.

"You ready? Hao and I have got to go introduce you in a minute." He says softly, looking like he's genuinely nervous for you. You and your band had had a discussion with him about tonight, you expressing that you really didn't think it was a good idea due to you never performing in front of so many people before. You swallow hard, and nod at him slightly. He smiles and grabs Hao, who up until this point never had his hand off of you, and you find yourself instantly missing his touch as he gets pulled through the crowd.

Jay side hugs you at the shoulder, his excitement palpable. "We're going to do great! Just like we rehearsed, yeah?" he reassures you, and you can't help but laugh at his infectious energy. Keita appears calm as ever, while Kamden shares your nervousness. Placing your hands together, you cheer each other on, mentally preparing for the moment.

"Hello, Planet High! I'm your Student Council President, Sung Hanbin!" you glance over at the front stage, where Hanbin and Hao stand behind two standing microphones, looking like radiant beings under the stage lights.

"And I'm your VP, Zhang Hao!" Hao continues. They both wave out to the room, being met with cheers and applause.

"We hope you're having a wonderful time! The student council and I worked tirelessly to make this event special for you, so make sure to enjoy it to the fullest!" Hanbin announces, gesturing towards your group, where Matthew and a few others wave up at them, their faces filled with joy.

"We have a special performance for you tonight," Hao declares, as Gunwook excitedly shakes your shoulders from behind, nearly throwing you off balance. You laugh and playfully push him away, teasing him about his enthusiastic nature.

"So, if we can ask Terazono Keita, Na Kamden, Jay Chang, and Y/N, better known as Overdose, to come up on stage!" Hao steps back from the microphone and joins the crowd in clapping.

The four of you hold hands as you make your way through the crowd in a line, ascending the stairs to the stage. Taking your positions between the two student council members, with Jay on your left and Keita on your right, two additional microphones are added to the stage. Hanbin and Hao exit the stage, joining the rest of your large group. You catch a glimpse of Gunwook shaking Hao's shoulders just as he did to you moments ago, which brings a smile to your face.

"So, hey everyone! We're Overdose!" Jay begins, provoking cheers and applause. "We have a special song for you tonight that we worked on with a very close friend of ours, Hui!" The crowd erupts in cheers, reminding you of Hui's popularity throughout the school. You make a mental note to express your gratitude to him later.

"Make sure you get up and dance to this one, okay? It's called 'Sha La La'!" Jay announces, nodding to the DJ to start the music. Feeling like the crowd can hear your racing heart through the microphone, you quickly scan the audience but keep your eyes fixed on your group of friends throughout the performance.

SHA LA LA - Pentagon

As your song concludes, the crowd explodes into cheers. Looking over at your friends, you see Gunwook practically jumping over everyone, cheering wildly for the four of you. You stifle a laugh and wave back, receiving enthusiastic thumbs-ups and cheers in return. Calls for an encore start to echo through the venue, leaving you wide-eyed as you turn to Keita beside you. He shrugs, exchanging bewildered looks with Jay. Jay then nods at Kamden, who heads down to the DJ at the side of the stage, retrieving something from his pocket.

"Alright! Thank you all so much. We're thrilled that you enjoyed that one! We don't have many published songs just yet, BUT perhaps you've heard of this one, made by myself and Y/N! This is 'Over Me'!" Kamden rushes back to the stage, taking his place, and you swiftly adjust to the unexpected turn of events.

Just as in rehearsals, you co-created this song! You've got this!

Over Me - Overdose

As you conclude your second song, once again, the crowd erupts into cheers, and you can feel tears welling up. You fan your face slightly, trying to cool down and prevent your eyes from getting teary.

"Okay! Thank you all for listening. We hope you have a fantastic rest of the night!" Jay calls out, and you all shout into the microphones, "We're Overdose! Thank you!" Exiting the stage, the sound of the cheering crowd lingers in your ears.

~~~

The rest of the night was filled with laughter, dancing, singing and heartfelt moments between yourself and your friends. Many students had come up to you and your band complimenting you about your performance, and you could feel yourself hiding behind your members, slowly getting overwhelmed with all the attention. Hao returns to your side, slipping an arm around your waist and offering you a comforting smile. Your cheeks instantly heat up again, and you almost feel yourself leaning into him for support, both physically and emotionally.

"You're doing great," he says against your ear, trying to make sure you can hear him over the music. His face being so close to yours makes you scream in your mind, and you nod and look down at the ground, shuffling your feet. You feel his hand on your chin as he tilts your head up to look at him. His face looks like a mix of worry and reassurance, and you avert your eyes before you forget how to breathe.

"Look at me, Y/N~" he singsongs, making you smile as you meet his eyes.

"If you feel like you need to leave, you'll tell me, okay?" He says seriously, to which you nod, and he lets your head go, still remaining at your side.

"WHY DIDN'T YOU KISS THEM YOU IDIOT!" You hear Ricky shout over the music, who was a little bit away from you both. Hao's eyes go wide and he looks back down at you. You let out a laugh before looking back up at him.

"I... can i?" he asks, turning to face you fully. Your heart flutters.

Oh my god, okay, it's happening.

"Yeah, yes, yes you can." You respond, and as if time slowed down so a second takes a minute, Hao's lips land on yours. This causes those of your friends who are still around you to cheer and jump over you both, and you hear a lot of "Finally!"'s and "Thank GOD"'s.

~~~

The night was coming to a close, and all the slow dance songs had started to play. Hao had dragged you onto the dance floor, resting his hands around your waist, and your hands around his neck.

"You really were incredible tonight," Hao says in a low tone, moving a hair out of your eyes. You smile and look down before returning back to him.

"Thank you, Haohao," you say, adopting the nickname his friends gave him. He blushes and chuckles softly. "It's a pretty good first date, huh?" You look around the room.

It really did feel perfect. The setting, the outfits, the event, everything felt magical.

"So, where do you want to go for the second?" He asks you, his eyes never leaving you.

"Oh? There's going to be a second?" You tease, cocking your head to one side. He rolls his eyes and pecks you on the lips.

"Y/N, would you do me the honour of being with me so I can take you on a million dates?" He exaggerates, taking your hand in his and kissing it dramatically. You stifle a laugh, as does he.

"Yes Hao, I would love to."

And at least you now can graduate without needing to ask 'what if?'

[kxhbee]

NEED A PART 5 OF love from you

Love From You

Part Five

~ Rowan Laslow x Reader

~ Friends to lovers

~ Fluff, light angst

~ 1311 words, 9 min read (est)

~ Not proof read

~ Gender Neutral Reader

~ 2 POVS, Rowan and Reader

Key:

~ Y/N: YOUR NAME

~ Y/L/N: YOUR LAST NAME

~ A/N: AUTHOR’S NOTE

“Wow you two. Really chatting it up loudly in this library aren’t you?” Enid bounces awkwardly on the balls of her feet. Rowan and you were in fact, not chatting it up loudly. You had no idea what to say to him, and it doesn’t make it better that Enid was there, watching intensely for anything she can use to tease you later.

Enid obviously sensed that you need help, because she starts speaking again.

“So, what brings you here, Rowan?”

He looks around nervously before answering, as if worried that someone would hear.

“Just… needed some space from my roommate. He has a friend over, so…”

“Oh I totally understand that, friends can be annoying sometimes.” Enid says, elbowing me in the side, which is obviously a cue for something, but with Enid you never truely know.

Since you don’t say anything, Enid speaks again.

“So… speaking of annoying friends, I have to go help Wednesday out with something… Y/N can keep you company if you like, Rowan.” She smiles at you and gestures you to go into the library with him.

“He said he needed space though… I don’t wanna intrude…”

“Don’t be silly! Rowan, would you like some company?” Enid turns to Rowan, flashing him the brightest smile she could muster.

“Sure, I guess.”

“Great! Y/N, message me later, okay?”

“Sure, E. You go deal with your “annoying friend.” Her face flushes a light pink and she turns away.

“Only if you deal with yours!”

__________________________________________

“What was that about?” Rowan asks, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, a nervous habit he picked up during his school years.

“Oh, just her and Wednesday.” Y/N answers him, starting to walk towards the desks. “I assume you already picked up on the massive crush she has.”

“Huh. I thought they were already dating.” He says with a light chuckle, pushing his slipping glasses back onto his nose and taking a seat.

“You’re not the only one.” Y/N takes out a book and a pen and sits down on the opposite side of the desk to Rowan. “So, what school work have you got?”

Rowan drops his books onto the desk with a light thud and answers with “nothing.”

“No school work? At all?”

“None. I finish mine as soon as I can. I usually just study to destress.”

“Wow. You are such a nerd.” Y/N smiles at him. The softest, most beautiful smile he’s ever seen. The sight of it warms his heart and fills him with happiness. If he could, he would dedicate his days to just making them smile. Is that a weird thing to think? “I guess opposites really do attract.”

It’s such a simple comment, such a common phrase. Yet the saying coming from Y/N, with the context of Rowan and them, it fuzzes his mind. It fuzzes his mind for so long that he forgets to respond. Y/N has already started writing in their book, a bored look on their face.

“What are- what’s wrong?” He fumbles around his words a bit, going red with embarrassment. He can never compose himself around them, he doesn’t remember being this embarrassing to talk to.

“Huh?” Y/N blinks a few times as if they had zoned out. “Oh. I don’t know. It’s kind of embarrassing.”

Nothing can be as embarrassing as me, apparently. Rowan thinks.

“Come on, it can’t be that bad.”

“I’m just scared of failing a class, that’s all. the teaching style isn’t exactly… working for me.”

“Well what class is it? Maybe I can help you out.” Rowan stands up and moves to the other side of the desk, taking the seat next to Y/N.

“Ancient Languages. I know-“ Y/N holds their hand up before Rowan can speak. “I know that the work is easy and I am passing the class, but the way that Mr Farrowtide teaches just isn’t memorable at all. I already know I’m gonna forget it all during the exam.”

“Easy solution.” Rowan says, softly taking the pen out of Y/N’s hands and pulling their book towards him. “We just have to make the content memorable. Ignore how boring Mr Farrowtide’s classes are, and separate the boring teacher from the content.”

“Well that’s easy.” Y/N says, resting their head on their hand and looking at the bookshelves in front of the desk. “He’s so boring I’ll probably forget he exists by next year.”

“Exactly.” Rowan says as Y/N’s head turns to face him. “We’ll just have to make it memorable ourselves.”

There’s a pause.

Y/N’s eyes stare deep into Rowan’s at his comment, which he is now realising that he did not regulate his tone as he said it, which resulted in his voice sounding a little more gravely than it normally is. Rowan looks back into their eyes, not noticing the way that his line of sight was travelling further down their face until he was gazing softly at Y/N’s lips. He clears his throat and darts his eyes away, aware of his reddening face and increasingly sweaty hands.

“So what wor… how do you- you learn best?” He was fumbling over his words. His tongue felt heavy and he started to understand the meaning of ‘i’ve got a frog in my throat’. He couldn’t stay focused on Y/N’s words, his skin was hot and he could hear the sound of his heart beating rapidly in his chest. He keeps catching himself staring longingly at Y/N’s lips as they spoke, seeming to have just started ranting about school instead of talking about methods to help.

Rowan’s glasses slip down his nose once more as a result from a nose scrunch, yet another nervous habit he picked up during his schooling.

Y/N stares at him, bemused.

“Do you need to get them tightened?”

“No, no it’s okay.” He smiles awkwardly at them, not allowing himself to look at them any longer than necessary.

“Alrighty then. I should go find Enid, she gets really impatient really quickly.” Y/N stands up, shoving their book and pen into their bag without care. Opposites really do attract.

“Right, yeah. I’ll go back to my dormitory, try to get some rest. I hope Xavier isn’t there…”

“How come you’re mad at him?” Y/N asks, walking up the library stairs with their bag slung over one shoulder.

“Just some… personal stuff.” People don’t know about the Nightshades, so can he even tell Y/N the truth? He’s not in the Nightshades anymore… is he? “I was in a club with him and they voted to kick me out. Anonymous voting, so I don’t know if he voted me out, but he didn’t come to my defense at all…”

“I’m sorry that sounds terrible. Why the fuck would they kick you out?”

“I’m too weird, apparently.”

“Like they can talk. Is there anyone at this school who isn’t weird?”

“But I’m the weirdest of the weird. According to them, anyway.” The two step off the stairs and walk down the hallway to the courtyard. They could see Enid from here, standing out next to Wednesday, who was sitting on a bench near some trees, listening to Enid as she chats away energetically.

“Pfft says who. Based on what statistic? Who cares what they think, Ro. You’re gonna get judged one way or another, so you might as well be who you want to be. Even if that is classified as ‘weird’ in their opinions.”

“Yeah. Yeah, you’re right. Thanks, Y/N.” Rowan stops walking, right before the exit to the courtyard. “I should go back upstairs… have fun with those two.” He did it again. His eyes linger again for a moment, wanting nothing more than to grab the back of their head and pull Y/N in close to him, no matter how many people stare. Instead, he pats Y/N’s shoulder awkwardly before turning away, red-faced.

Shit.

A/N:

Part six is already in the works so hopefully it won’t be too much of a wait!

I’ve also got some plans for other fanfics, some will be for other fandoms but there will be some for Wednesday!

Have a lovely day / night!! ❤️

[alottamoney]

Hey @perfectpoetryfest

I am that anon and I'll definitely remain anonymous coz I don't want a deranged jikkr like yourself coming anywhere near my blog.

I already said that this dumb thing doesn't matter to me at all but since you all have been coming to our blogs with these pics I thought I'll just let you know that those two aren't sitting together. Repeating this is making me feel dumb coz how is this so triggering for you that you've left 10+ comments arguing with admin??

I said that they aren't sitting together bcs jk's pic, which is clearer than that really blurry pic, where you all have pointed to a person who has a paper infront of his face as jk. The people surrounding jk are different than the ones sorrounding jm and that sheet for face person. Those were my only observations coz that's the most that you can observe from that microwave quality pic.

Didn't we get that very clear 59 and 60 pic yesterday? They are standing together in it and no one's denying it coz it's clear. They have enlisted together in a place where they know no one, it's only been 10 days, they are obviously going to stick together. I had already said this but you seem to have gotten stuck on the not sitting together part.

You didn't answer the admin's question as to why this is so important to you. Can you please answer this instead of skirting the que and asking a counter question? Why is this dumb thing so imp to you jikkrs that you are roaming around arguing with people over this? Everyone there is sitting with someone else, does that somehow prove that they are dating?

This is only the first batch of pics though. I am sure there will be more, clearer ones. You should put a hold on the gloating till then, although I will never understand what in these pics is even worth gloating about, even if they were sitting together these wouldn't even have been mid imo.

It's not like I don't know that tkkrs don't visit jikk blogs to gloat, we have our own set of shippers with similar mindset as you, we still have better things to gloat about. Speaking of pics worth gloating, did you not see that very clear tkk strip from jk's listening party? It was thankfully posted by jm first or your side would've jumped on the "tae is attention seeker" bandwagon again. Or that shirtless facetime one?

Did you not hear that jk wanted to join sdt as well? Said so himself with a very sad expression btw. Or that he sings "love songs" for tae? Or that he went out with not just tae but even his close friends? Goes on trips with tae(that pic where tae said they dressed each other) and his friends, that snowboarding one. He doesn't even need bh camera crew for those trips. You all desperately tried to paint that July sighting as a lover's retreat when we were pointing out at the clear presence of cameras and mics and it really turned out to be bh content after all.

Did you not watch that last bb? He wasn't even aware that jm still hadn't shaved his head. Now that's not very coupley of them is it?

This whole solo era has given us so many offcam (talking about bh cams here) interactions that tkkrs have made a whole calender out of them while jk and jm barely interacted for two mins outside of official setup. Your ship is nothing without bh. It was created by BH, is being relentlessly promoted by them and will def end the day they leave bh coz they were nowhere near each other without cameras the entire solo era . Jk even shared his solo with tae first.

Also, stop romanticising their military service ffs. Use some logic while thinking about this, I know it's a foreign concept to a lot of jikkrs but try for once. No queer couple in their right minds would want to go together in such an extremely homophobic place. Do you think a couple whose relationship is that old will be able to hide it for 18 months when being from BTS has already put a spotlight on them?

Wow I wrote quite a lot here huh 😳. perfectpoetryfest please do read it all. I am a 100% sure that you will not agree with anything I said here but atleast I am writing about tkk on a tkk blog, what are you jikkrs trying to do here anyways?

Oh boy. They're currently occupied but I'm sure they'll get to you, anon. You're also gonna have to take responsibility for the incoming deranged rants. lol

[hils79]

Hils Watches My School President - Ep 11

These last two episodes are both 1hr 20 mins. That is Too Long. That's like the length of a short movie.

Anyway, I'm going to go straight under a cut because I don't want to spoil the results of the music contest for those who are thinking of watching

Aww yay they won! Like I was 90% sure they would what with Gun's heartfelt song about Tinn and his mother being in hospital. But you never know it could have been a 'we don't need to win a contest to be boyfriends' moment

I swear to god if that was all a dream...

MOTHERFUCKING SON OF A BITCH

Everyone is sad and Win basically accused Sound of not really being one of them and now he is especially sad. EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE

Aww fuck Por is the only one who showed up to music club and now he's crying and now I am also crying.

No, seriously. Everyone is making me cry in this episode

Oh my god I think it might be happening for real this time

Was it though, Tiw? WAS IT?

Oh shit! Por saved Tiw from falling down the stairs and then fell himself

Uh, okay. I did not see 'I'm being punished by god' coming

Beach trip 2.0 yay! I love that they're all very serious about going to make a spiritual offering to get rid of Por's bad luck

Steamed bread with custard sounds delicious I want to try it

Aww he's going to help her learn about her son. GDI now I'm crying again.

Aww look he told the truth about who he was going to the beach with this time and his mum still let him go. Character growth. For both of them.

Speaking of growth Sound accepted the window seat Win saved for him this time instead of grumpily sitting in the front because he had too many feelings

Wait, Tiw isn't there! What is this nonsense! I wanted him to look after Por and then for them to kiss!

Wow this suddenly got very Lord of the Rings

Okay that legit made me laugh out loud

Ahhh! Now the 'luckily they built a road to the shrine' comment from the last beach trip makes sense. They need to suffer hardship, or something? IDK how Buddhism works. But look at them carrying their two hurt friends up the steep hill so they can all make their offerings. It's character building, or something

Ah, okay, no so much a spiritual journey as them needing to get all their negative feelings out of their systems.

Oh shit. Okay blaming Gun is crossing the line

Por is my new favourite. He just wants his friends to stay friends and to not fight

Definitely not crying. No, not me.

I love that none of them actually prayed for them to win the contest they all just prayed to do their best and not fuck it up

TIW HAS SUDDENLY ARRIVED! And he wanted Por to have nice food! Okay, no, for real this time. This is happening

OH PLOT TWIST

[whentherewerebicycles]

oh i am powerfully grumpy today let me list the reasons why to break their hold over me! and then i will list the substantive good things that will counterbalance the grumpiness.

WHY AM I GRUMPY

didn’t sleep well and got up too early (this, as you will see, is probably the root of all other ills)

was pretty cranky with ruthie at 5am because she wouldn’t poop and wanted to just wander around outside & take a little walk instead. which fine but i was so tired and grumpy already haha. and then i always feel like a CRUEL MONSTER after i have spoken to her a bit sharply because she is a sweet little girl and sometimes you just don’t have to poop ok! also sometimes when i have been short with the dogs i am like oh great this is like a two-second glimpse of the lowest setting of sleep-deprived parenthood i bet i am going to handle that GREAT. (you can see here how i was already in that Mood where your crabbiness starts magnetizing all other free-floating crabbiness in the ether towards it)

got a little cranky on the phone with my mom because it felt like she was taking a liiiittle dig at me about the salary cut i’m taking (i don’t think she intentionally was i was just already kind of grumpy and sensitive) 

i am experiencing some lowgrade anxiety about the HSG test tomorrow, partly because i have read that is going to be moderately painful and partly because i am worried it will reveal bigger problems

my lead just straight up stood me up for a meeting today lol... i was on the teams call for 10 min just waiting and then she didn’t respond to any of my messages so i hung up but can’t really wander away from my laptop in case she calls me back... i’ve been just kinda Over It for a while but man it is annoying when she does stuff like this. also lol she did the thing in a meeting yesterday where i offered to review this tiny inconsequential project real quick with my boss and my lead jumped in to be like “to make the best use of [boss]’s time, i think it’s best if i review the content first to ensure everything looks okay” which is code for “i am going to make one formatting change and then schedule a meeting with our boss without inviting you where i imply that your work was so shoddy i had to make MAJOR changes to salvage it.” i was just like sure girl. whatever. enjoy these last few days of getting to powertrip over me. you are so close to being in my rearview mirror forever.

i only have like 1-2 pointless work projects left before my last day (next friday) but they are so pointless and so hazily defined that working on them plunges me into a deep work despair spiral even though i am SO close to being done with this stupid job. i know i need to just pull myself together and finish them but wow. i hate this.

some IRL friend stuff is making me a little bit irritated and i just need to sit down for a minute at some point and decide if/how i want to react to it. it’s genuinely not a big deal it’s just one of those situations where there have been multiple small annoyances that are not exactly anyone’s fault but cumulatively just make me feel a little put-out. however i am aware that if i’d slept 2 more hours last night i might feel totally different about it so i am just bracketing it today.

phew okay. now WHAT ARE SOME OF THE GENUINELY GOOD & MEANINGFUL THINGS IN MY LIFE THAT ARE FILLING ME WITH A SENSE OF GRATITUDE THAT I GET TO BE ALIVE IN THIS WORLD IN THIS MOMENT?

i wrote for 3+ hours this morning and feel really intrigued by the project... not sure if i have a sense of where it’s going yet but it’s been quite a while since i’ve been in that headspace where you wake up and reach blearily for your phone right away because you’re just HUNGRY to review the writing you did the previous night & start working on the new draft. i am very, very much hoping that a change of job and scenery will jumpstart my creativity a bit... i think it’s just challenging to write when literally nothing is happening in your life. you have all this open unstructured time, which means you don’t value any of the time you have (because if you don’t write in THIS empty moment you can always put it off to the next empty moment!), and then you are just sitting at home not experiencing any social or intellectual stimuli so i feel like you don’t get that “lots of ideas sloshing around in my brain... new encounters triggering new ways of looking at or connecting them... back-burner brain stuff simmering while doing other activities” stuff going. ANYWAY this is all to say it feels good to be writing again & feeling excited about writing whether or not this one sticks. i am just happier when i am engaging in the practice of making things even if i am not finishing things.

part of why i started writing again is that i got two extremely long, detailed, thoughtful comments on my last story from another writer that just made me feel so, so good and creatively energized. all comments are soooo good/valued but i feel like there is something extra special about getting that kind of extremely detailed feedback from a talented writer who picks up on why you did certain things and has a very clear sense of the really, really time-intensive revision and redrafting work that goes into weaving multiple layers into a story. i read the comments yesterday and at first was happy but also kind of in a funk about it - like it was SO nice and affirming to receive them but i have also kind of built that story up in my mind to be the best/most fully realized thing i’ve ever written and can sometimes get down on myself feeling like i’ll never be able to top it or even repeat it. but then i read the comments several more times and started thinking about some of the specific scenes or choices the person was highlighting and just remembering how many times i patiently reworked not-great versions of those scenes to just steadily make them better and more effective. and i was just like okay listen. it just takes hard work and time. i have to put in the hard work. i have to invest the time. i have to give up the fantasy that the first version i write (or the second version or the tenth version) is going to be, or should be, perfect. i’m so proud of that polished final work but to get there i had to really keep the draft shitty and unfinished and patchworked-together and rough around the edges so that i could have the flexibility to rearrange things and torpedo what wasn’t working and generate new ideas through new combinations of rough material. so get over yourself and get to work, you idiot, or you really will never make anything again because you’ll have gotten wrapped up in some fantasy of doing things perfectly the very first time. ANYWAY it was a journey haha but those comments got me moving again and it really made me remember again how much i value being part of a creative community where you get to have that kind of engagement with other readers and writers.

i think it’s going to be a stupidly gorgeous day out! and then a stupidly gorgeous next week or two! soooo nice to have nice weather!! spring is here!!! i scrubbed down the deck last night before bed finally and am now just awaiting the delivery of the outdoor rug and side table.

 i had a really, really good catch-up call yesterday afternoon with a former mentee i worked closely with for a few years in my last job. i thought she was probably reaching out to ask about a letter of rec or something but it turned out that she actually just wanted to tell me about how this project she started years ago with me has continued to grow/evolve and has led to these pretty major institutional changes around making caste a protected class at our university. she was just like, ‘i’ve been thinking about you so much all year because everything we’ve been doing is rooted in the research ethos you taught me in that program. and then it just occurred to me that instead of just thinking about you i could reach out to tell you about how much you shaped this work.’ it was just so good to hear from her and so amazing to hear about this stuff she and her co-organizers have been able to achieve in the last couple years!! it made me feel really good/happy (for her but also obviously it’s just nice when people say nice things about your teaching impact!) and i also feel like it kinda lit a fire under me a little bit... like this past year has been so isolating and i think one thing i’ve missed is the way that students’ passionate commitments push YOU to be more engaged in your own life/community and more awake in your own life. i feel like this student in particular always pushed me to be more honest you know... she’s one of those people who is continuously pursuing difficult, important work because she believes it’s the right thing to do and she knows she has the skillset to do it. so i just want to hold onto that feeling you know... like as i begin to become more involved in the life of a campus community again and more connected to students i just want to keep pushing myself out of this period of isolation and into the world to do meaningful work.

[amiscreations]

Seeing Skid Row in Concert 20/10/2022✨

This was my first ever rock concert and wow did it set the bar high! I saw them in Brighton with my sister, and the support bands were Collateral and Enuff Z’nuff. the venue was essentially a small nightclub, definitely not designed with bands like Skid Row in mind, but it just made it more intimate and a better vibe overall🥰 I can honestly say that this was one of the best nights on my life so far, and I'll try my best to recount the events. Pictures will be posted soon!

Even tho we got there about 90 mins before doors, we were still second in line and were let in after about 40 mins.

I was talking to a lady in the line as well who had seen the Stadium Tour, and basically every rock band you could think of.

like we would name drop and she would say “aw yes i’ve seen them they're great i’m friends with x members” I honestly love that for her she was so cool.

I was expecting to be waiting for a while so I didn't have my tickets ready and was panicking trying to find them lmao. I was right near the front of the line ofc so I was panicking and holding everyone up but it was fine in the end😂

after that fiasco that wast really a fiasco we went in and we were RIGHT FRONT AND FUCKIN CENTER YALL!

it wasn't long at all until Collateral, the first support act, came on and they were actually aMAZING??? 

They were all on the younger side so I love that they chose up and coming bands to support.

I also forgot how loud live music is let alone rock/metal music rip my ears and I could feel the bass in my fuckin bones

The lead singer of Collateral was the biGGEST HOE EVER I LOVE HIM SM

mans was pullin shapes and swishing his long af hair around I love that

at one point he got up onto the barrier and was singing right into this one woman’s soul, she was holding onto his hips and he was holding her face with one had uUHHH it was all very hoe-ish of him and I know that woman was absolutely living 

the guitarist also tried to crowd surf (I think?) but I think the security stopped him AKDJFKHJ so he was just kinda sitting on the barrier shredding on the guitar as you do ofc

anyways yeah Collateral were cool af and very early Skid Row esque you should check them out!

The next support act was Enuff Z’nuff and oh my god were they eccentric.

I've heard of the band before and i’ve listened to a few of their songs but I didn't know how cool they were live!

Chip, the lead singer and bassist, is just the epitome of seasoned glam rocker dude and he was so chaotic.

as in the band entered the stage to circus music (you know the one I mean) and I was like oH ok this is what we’re dealing with.

thy also played a glam metal version of Eleanor Rigby which was beautiful and unexpected.

one of the guitarists looked so much like Mike from the Young Ones as well, and the drummer was also v cute I think I might have a small crush on him-

but now its the time you've all been waiting for: SKID MF ROW ARE IN THE HOUSEEE

the last song the venue played before Skid Row went on was Crazy Train and everyone was losing their shit it was awesome 

just as they were coming onto the stage Scotti gave me The Eyes™ and I almost evaporated there and then. boi was also wearing sO much eyeliner it was beautiful.

btw incase you didn't know the new singer for Skid Row is a very dapper younger lad by the name of Erik Grönwall, lets just say he will be a very important character throughout the rest of this report.

before they went into the first song and the guitars were just kinda reverbing, Erik just stood right in fucking front of me and sTARED AT EVERONE WITH THE BIGGEST GRIN ON HIS FACE LFJKLDHFKD IT WAS LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT YALL

they opened with Slave to the Grind and

wow

just wow

they sound iNCREDIBLE live and Erik has the most AMAZING VOICE OH MY FUCKIN JESUS 

(no we’re not going to compare them but just to put things into perspective, yes it was just like 80-90s Sebastian Bach)

Erik was also just aggressively head banging at every given opportunity  my neck hurt just watching him but you could tell the man was just having the time of his life up there

he is also just sO. FUCKING. CHARMING

YOU CANT NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH THAT MAN I JUST- UUUGHHH

It was also in this first song where the initial realisation sunk in that this is THE Skid Row

as in this is the same Scotti, Snake and Rachel that I watch in all those live performances and interviews and just random videos from the 80s and 90s, and who are probably besties with some of my other favourite musicians and-

Rachel also had a sparkly bass which was so beautiful I want 34 of my own

also no-one told he that Scotti Hill was slightly unhinged djkjfkgh

he would just sTARE at you with The Eyes™ while playing and it was very intimidating so I just stared back when he would do it to me

I guess not many people can say they've had a staring contest with Scotti Hill but here we are😪

They played In A Darkened Room and Psychotherapy which I did NOT expect but I very much appreciate as they are two of my faves

also during IADR Erik Took someones phone and recorded the crowd and the band, I wonder how it feels to have a video as iconic as that one on your phone?

The stage was also small af too so Erik would just stand right at the edge (towering tf over me I might add skskjhkfg) and would knock off all the wires there LMAO

the security had to keep picking them up idk I just thought that that was so funny

another cool thing about Erik that Rachel mentioned is that before Covid happened, Erik was a support act for Skid Row while they were touring, and now hE’S THE LEAD SINGER OF THE BAND HE WAS SUPPORTING THREE YEARS AGO???? AWWWW??? 

honestly the rest of the night was kind of a blur (in a good way!)

that was until they played I Remember You

it was all going fine and dandy when I randomly decided to reach out my hand

and the beautiful bastard that is Erik Grönwall

REACHED OUT AND HELD MY MF HAND WHILE SINGING RIGHT AT ME

our fingers were interlinked for only a few seconds (I actually dont remember how long it was my brain was freaking out) but within those few seconds I officially sold my soul to Erik

my main character moment 

a true core memory for sure

I did see a video someone took of the whole song but you couldn't see me and Erik h*lding h*nds in it lkdgfkldgh😭

he also took someones phone again and recorded everyone which was cool bc everyone had their phones lit up🥰

They closed with Youth Gone Wild which was just perfect because me and my sister were, for this entire concert, the mf youth gone wild🥰

earlier Rachel even said that x song was “from our first album, which was released before some of you guys were even born by the looks of things” and stared straight at me with That Smile Of His 

Scotti and Snake were also just jamming together and living their best lives while playing Youth Gone Wild it was beautiful🥰

also when Erik sang “a boss screaming in my ear...” he gestured at Rachel LMAOO

while they were playing the outro I got to high-five Erik once again and I also got to fist bump Rachel, Scotti and Rob 

and that was that!

I got a poster and also got to meet Chip there too! he was so cool!

just as we were leaving we also met Snake outside skjhgfsghjkf

he was honestly sO SWEET OH MY GOD

I was very very VERY awkward as i’ve never met anyone famous before and was definitely nOT expecting to meet him and I was also in a rush

we talked for a little bit and took a photo together

I got to hug him twice and that was honestly the cherry on top of a perfect night 

i’m having withdrawals already I miss them all sm😭

[jodilin65]

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 30, 1998 Thanks to Benadryl, I backed my schedule up by 6 hours. I had gotten up at noon yesterday. Too late to make my October 5th appointment with Melanie, but too early to flip it all around by then. I also want to go out this Friday doll hunting, as planned (I have to remember to take Kleenex with me, though, because the outdoors is horrible at this time for allergies). If I hadn’t taken Benadryl last night at 9:00, I wouldn’t have crashed till around 4 AM, but with the Benadryl, I was out before midnight and I got up at 6 AM. Just in time to hear the bitch say, “Huh? No, I…” (I couldn’t hear the rest)

I don’t know why the cock bothered showing up this morning. Bill took the bitch to work/school this morning, then came back here. Then the cock came. I saw someone a couple of times walk around the back of Bill’s car, but couldn’t make out for sure who it was or what the hell they were doing. Then the cock left, leaving Bill to go about mistake-sitting, as usual. But why would the cock come by if it wasn’t needed to mistake-sit or cart its bitch to work/school?

I got a kick out of how yesterday’s horoscope said that a parent who’s aware of one’s concerns is willing to behave differently. Right! Dureen would have to die and come back as a totally different person before she behaved differently. Tom was teasing me with the atoning for my sins thing since yesterday was the Jewish New Year. I’m jokingly thinking - Dureen deary, are you asking God to forgive you for being such a selfish, hypocritical little control freak?

Later…

I’m writing longhand now in the book Mom gave me. The one I’ll take to Vegas with me with the pitiful artwork. The reason I’m using this book now is that I have the computer tied up burning away another CD. I figured what the heck? I’m sure it’ll crash at some point, even though I defragmented drive E and it’s already written 9 tracks.

I had Tom bring me in the scale since I knew my weight was up there anyway (as of yesterday I piled on pounds of water) and so I could begin another test. Tom felt I’d be less hungry if I wasn’t weighing myself daily. Well, I want to see if I remain less hungry because of the mineral pill, or if pulling the scale back out brings the hunger back.

Wow! It’s on track 11!

Anyway, the mineral pill’s been doing so well at curbing my hunger, that I’ve decided that two TV dinners a day plus a snack are too much for me. I’m gonna be cutting out one of those TV dinners.

So, what was my weight? 118 pounds. A surprise because I thought I’d be in the low 120s.

Track 12.

I know why I was so bummed out about my weight for the last year or so. It’s because I was setting unrealistic and unachievable goals for myself. Setting a goal of 100 pounds was ridiculous and totally asking to fail. I’m a nearly 33-year-old non-smoker, so to get under 110-115 pounds is a complete joke. My body can’t handle being that low in this day and age.

So, with these facts in mind, I’ve set a realistic, achievable goal weight of weighing 115-120 pounds. This is perfect for me now and something my body can feel comfortable at. It’s a natural, reasonable weight, so I can continue looking like a middle-aged woman should look.

Holy shit! It’s on track 14 and it looks like this CD may happen after all since it’s nearly done. I only have 18 tracks on this one. It’s like it has a mind of its own and it only creates a CD if it feels like it.

Track 15.

I went into the file box and browsed through the treadmill’s owner’s manual and was shocked to discover two things. One, it is not a weight-loss device, but just a fitness device. Two, all they recommend is 12-15 minutes every other day. Why not 30-60 minutes every day? What’s wrong with that? Why do they recommend a day of rest every other day? I can see a day of rest every other day from target toning or weightlifting exercises, but why from walking? And why warm up and cool down, as they recommend, just to go walking? Lastly, I do more than 12-15 minutes every other day, so if this is supposed to be a “fitness” device, then why am I so unfit?

Later…

Got lucky and the CD was a success. I’m defragging now, then will power down and restart. Should I try another one today? I have a feeling it’ll crash, but we’ll see.

Drive E is now 83% defragmented now.

No stereos today or yesterday - wow! Just the usual sales calls and their harassment campaign.

Later…

OK, I’m trying another CD. If this works, I’ll only have one more music CD I’ll want to make up, then I can decide whether or not the convos/edits are worth burning.

I’ll go get my book now and bring it back here to the back room so I can keep an eye on the computer.

Oh, first - I made up Mary a little get-well card. Well, sort of. It was one of the ones sent from Doe and Art.

OK, gonna grab me a cup of my Café Vienna and my book.

Later…

It’s utterly gorgeous out there right now. Not too cool, not too hot. Perfect weather for the mistake to hang out back and to have doors and windows open. I just heard the mistake, but fortunately, I’m not out back very often. I have no reason to be. From now on, especially since quitting smoking, I don’t go out back but to let the cat in and dump the recyclable stuff.

It’s nice not seeing White Paws for a couple of days. Not since I sprayed her with Raid. She’ll be back, though.

Tom’s gonna pick up a feeder for Blackie for when we go to Vegas. He could get his own food, but not like WP can because male cats aren’t as good hunters as female cats are. I don’t like the idea of knowing that WP is gonna help herself to this food, and maybe daddy cat and the ants (although Tom will spray for ants) but at least Blackie won’t go hungry. We’ll be putting it at the side of the house where the birds won’t find it. I hope not, anyway. If there’s anything that really annoys me about Blackie, it’s that this cat is such a whiner. Just about every single fucking time I go outside he whines and whines till I let him inside. It’s really annoying.

Tom just got up and is going to stay up for a while.

You know, I’ve counted food calories, but I’ve neglected to count my coffee calories. Not regular coffee, but the gourmet ones. I have about 8 cups a day and that’s about 500 calories right there. No wonder it’s been so easy keeping my goal weight. If I eat 900 calories worth of food and no-calorie or low-calorie beverages, that’s one thing. It’s another to have 900 calories worth of food and an additional 500 in beverages. All this time I’ve been figuring myself at consuming 900-1000 calories a day, but I’ve really been taking in around 1400-1500 calories a day.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 29, 1998 How utterly amazing - not one stereo’s banged by today. Yet. That drug cruiser’s gonna be by any sec no doubt.

Just like Joebitch sticks to her usual weekend routine of a shitload of cars coming and going, it’s sticking to its usual weekday routine, too. Bill sits the mistake, the cock brings its bitch home. I doubt the cock’s picking up its bitch in the mornings, though.

Guess I really terrorized that cock out of this neighborhood. He won’t even park in the bitch’s driveway. Too bad, Mikey. You came into this neighborhood, you treated me like shit, this is what you get.

Mary had her gallbladder removed today and now they’re checking it for cancer, which I don’t vibe. Evie has to have hers removed, too.

In Evie’s email to me, she wanted to know if we could attend Parker’s baptism. I told her we couldn’t make it, which is probably true with our schedules, but the further truth is, neither of us cares to go. I mean, how fucking boring! She said she hoped she wasn’t offending anyone, but that she didn’t invite Jackie and Jim because she doesn’t like the way they do things. I told her I thoroughly agree with her and that I think they’re spoiled, selfish little users. Don’t want to know them, don’t want to talk to them, don’t want to see them. I also reminded her, although I’m sure she’s heard about it, that Tom’s put his foot down and is gonna live his life. Not spend his time and money on others who are too lazy to do their own work and live their own lives. David and Evie haven’t really been the big users of the family. Not compared to Pam, Jackie, Mary, Evelyn, and of course, good old Marge.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 28, 1998 Yes, it’s been two whole days since I last wrote. That’s because I’ve been tied up with the CD-making task again, and as usual, it’s hit or miss, but mostly miss. I feel, though, that I’ve gotten just about all I want onto CD, so I don’t need to waste my time with it anymore. I don’t really need to have the edits and convos on CD, since those don’t mean what they used to mean to me. It’s a costly and wasteful project since it takes 20 CDs just to make 5-7. I’ve got about 15 CDs made up now, and I had to go through about 25-40 to get them.

From how I feel and from what my measurements say, I’ve gained some weight. I’ve got to be no less than 118 pounds now. Why, I don’t know. It’s a total mystery to me. I’ve been sticking to my diet like glue, thanks to this mineral supplement, I’ve been regular, and I’ve been exercising, so I don’t know what the fuck’s going on. Once again, I cannot deal with this shit year after year. I have to be fat if I’m gonna remain a non-smoker and the sooner I accept that, the easier my life will be. It’s just not in my nature to be thin anymore. Not at this age and not without the cigarettes.

Wish I had my water pills now, but tomorrow I’ll call in a refill. It’s mostly in my gut, although my legs and hips are pretty swollen, too. And I’ve been exercising these areas, too, but like I said, exercising by doing target toning is just a complete waste of my time. It may work for most people, but God sure as hell won’t let it work for me. Initially, I lost weight and began toning up a bit when I first started the exercises and the mineral supplement but then went right back to how I normally am. This is typical, too. Having something work at first, then quit working on me, is nothing new.

Later…

What is it with cats liking abuse? I spray White Paws with bug spray, I kick her, I chase her, yet she keeps coming back for more. Does she really like it, or is she just that stupid?

Caddy Kid’s back. Yeah, I knew it was just a matter of time. It gets worse, too, because now we’ve got some other car cruising the neighborhood for drugs. This same car banged by really loud over and over and over again this afternoon. What? Do they cruise up and down a street hoping someone will come out of their house to offer them drugs? So, since it’s a nightmare again with the stereos booming and thumping by several times a day, I really must have my own stereo on if I want to get any sleep.

Joebitch gets weirder and weirder by the day. Saturday and Sunday nights a red car came to visit. Why are there so many cars in and out of there on weekends? Am I ever gonna get a weekend without having to listen to the constant door slamming?

I just hope that they don’t move till we do and that things will stay the way they have been as far as the music goes. As long as I don’t hear music a million times a day from over there, then I know they’ll be sticking around. I never thought I’d find myself hoping that they don’t move, but I’ve decided that whether or not we go first, they are going to receive the little journal excerpts I put together for them. I’m not gonna waste all that time I put into it and besides, if they’re gonna fuck with the house if they go first, they’re gonna fuck with it with or without those excerpts. In their sick minds, they have enough reason to go after the house as it is. Just the city complaints alone will do it because that’d piss them off enough.

Speaking of being pissed, I was lying in bed one night when I began to fume over Bill. Oh, how I just want 5 minutes alone with him!! Just 5 minutes! Tom says that’d just make him more aggressive. He has a point. For every time my mother would take a pop at me, that’d be 5 more kids I’d pop in school and take it out on, but I still think that all guys like Bill need a good beating from a woman. They need to be put in place and taken down a peg or two. They need to be reminded that there are others out there tougher than them and that they’re not capable of beating on everybody. One day (I sure hope) he’s gonna pick on the wrong woman and that woman’s gonna dog him. I mean, how long can man live with the delusion that if it’s smaller than them and if it doesn’t have a dick, they can beat it? There are lots of big guys out there and lots of tiny women that could kick their asses so bad they’d wish those ladies killed them. That’s not the main point, though, in this sick fuck’s case. Remember, he doesn’t beat Sarah and Becky. It’s because Lisa is part of “the other guy.” Bill’s also a very sick, angry little shit.

It just really pisses me off that now that I’ve put Dureen, Art and Larry totally in the past and am getting over the hurt and anger that they caused for so long, now the anger’s replaced by this fuckaroo. Is there ever an end to the thoughts of past people popping into my head and sending me into a rage? I just want to totally forget these people and move on. It’s the best thing I can do for my mental health. Cutting them off is a start, but I still have a bit of “healing” to do, so to speak. I mean, when it comes to my folks, there really isn’t any hurt or anger left. I’m just numb. They’re old news as far as I’m concerned. It’s the bullies like Bill, Larry, Ronnie, that tend to piss me off at times still, but hey, I don’t ever have to see, talk to, or be hurt or angered by these sickos ever again. And I remind myself of this fact and it helps me to get by. I may have old, bad memories, but never will there be new, bad memories in addition to the old ones. It’s all over. They can’t hurt me anymore. They can’t frustrate or piss me off anymore. They can’t hit me, they can’t lie to me, they can’t pit others against me, they can’t send me to places that treat me like a criminal, they can’t control me, they can’t threaten me, they can’t make me feel like a piece of shit.

I don’t know if I mentioned this, but my last period was the first period in many years where I didn’t need a big pad.

Today we went to the mall to look at a doll store there. They had hundreds of dolls, but only a few of them were nice, and they cost $200 - $400. They were also bigger than the ones I liked in the catalog. Friday we’re gonna check out another small store that’s not in a mall, and this place in Scottsdale that’s supposed to be one of the biggest doll stores in the country. If I don’t like what they’ve got here, or their prices, I’ll just go ahead and order from the catalog in December with my birthday/holiday money. I feel like it’s gonna take me forever to accumulate 3-4 dolls, though, no matter where I get them! Marge, you little user! Why don’t you pay for them?!

Ratsy’s in a fine mood, jumping and running all around. Hope he won’t stay the unappreciative little bastard he’s been! We got him a really cool nest and a half-log to burrow in, but so far, he’s walking on the tops of them, but not going inside them. The next is a hollow ball made of straw-like material. It’s got holes on 4 sides of it to go in and out of. The half-log is a green piece of wood that’s dome-shaped. I think the mice would like these things better. The mice like anything and everything. We got them a toy, too (they all got salt spools and Ratsy got a new pink bottle).

For the mice, we got them a bunch of color cubes you put together. You snap clear pieces into colored frames, then you build them like toy building blocks. It’s pretty cool, but a little flimsy to build, and there’s not much variety that goes into it. Not unless you had many, many pieces. Like 2-3 kits.

Got two palm tree pictures for $5. They’re in gold frames, and I like this size better because it’s easier to work with. These are around 10 x 8.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 26, 1998 Joebitch has been a good girl, but a weird one. Is someone moving from her household? Well, I highly doubt she’s moving, because I’d vibe it, and because there’d be music like hell coming from over there, but what about that teenage boy? Is there a teenage girl living there? I remember Tom once said there was, and he’d see her leave for school in the mornings. There’s gotta be more than just her and the mistake over there. I just know there’s more over there, but if so, why don’t play ball more often for my sake?

Anyway, what I saw was a white pickup truck parked in the driveway with one box visible from the window I was peering out of. It left, then returned with what looked to be an empty flatbed. Then, it left with a lot of stuff in it and returned later emptied out. Then I saw Joebitch and the little clown talking to the two black ladies that Tom said he saw get into the truck one of the times it left, then they left and haven’t been back since. I also saw a large white blazer which left as soon as it came. It could very well be that the mother of that teenage boy, which was definitely her nephew, had to do some jail time, is now out, and is getting its boy back.

Last night at 11:00, I heard voices, and someone left from there, but didn’t see who it was. Then the bitch crashed at 11:30.

It’s just after 8:00 now and when I checked a little while ago, there were no lights on. This bitch doesn’t hit the sack early on weekends, so I’d say it’s out somewhere.

What the fuck is going on, though? Why do so many cars come and go from that place on weekends? No one loves a bitch that much, so what is it they’re getting from this bitch? It ain’t love. Is it drugs? What? Something’s going on. It used to be that the bitch may have someone over once one day of the weekend, but now, as soon as she’s home on Fridays they start coming, and they come and go like bees on both Saturdays and Sundays.

Later…

Well, well. Guess who’s here visiting? It’s Mr. Fuck! I’m not entirely sure since it’s dark, but that’s definitely a car that’s parked there, not a van or truck. And it’s also not white. I thought the bitch had been out with him, till I realized I didn’t hear/see the cock come to get its bitch, and I only heard one car door when I saw the headlights shining in the music room and paused the music to listen. Also, the living room and kitchen windows stayed dark, so it sounds to me like Joebitch called its cock from its bed, and he came running over and let himself in for a good fuck. I’m sure he still has the key, too.

What? Is this bitch afraid to be alone or something? She’s had company come and go now for nearly 10 hours. That’d drive me crazy. I’d be like - give me some space!

I forgot to mention that on Friday, Joebitch should’ve gotten some mail for a “Bill Garner.” Unless her dad opened it, and I hope not, she got a little confetti shower. I addressed it to Bill Garner and put a bogus return address. In the past, I’d never bother with return addresses. So, to the bitch, she’ll be annoyed as all hell, but won’t tie me into it. Not unless she’s one paranoid puppy. It should look like someone addressed it to her by accident, and nothing else. I put the confetti, by the way, in one of those blank cards that Doe and Art sent. I didn’t write anything on the card but a big question mark.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 25, 1998 I’m washing the shower curtain right now, and soon I’ll try to scrub our filthy, impossible-to-clean tub.

Later…

I’m on the phone gabbing with Andy now. He’s going through his usual few subjects - Stevie Nicks, work, and going back east to be with David.

He said he’s sure he’s leaving on April 30th.

Sure. Right.

I’m typing as I’m half-listening to his non-stop garble. But he’s my pal and I love him.

He started off by saying, “I didn’t get fired, but I got complaints two days in a row.” I asked for what, figuring he’d say it was for flirting, but instead, he was rude. So, he’s gonna be taking a break from waiting tables, which has really been stressing him out lately, and which he just isn’t into anymore, he’ll be hostessing. Seating the people, instead of serving the people. They’re only gonna pay him $7 an hour, though.

He said that the reason he’s going back on April 30th is so he can hitch a ride with Joyce and Bill. That’s his aunt and uncle and they go to Vegas every year. At least he won’t have to worry about springing the cash to get back.

Later…

After just over an hour, Andy finally let me go. He could’ve easily kept going till he had to go to work at 5:30, though. We talked about the usual - Stevie, Quinn, Dave, Michelle, and work.

He still wonders about what was really going through Quinn’s mind up till he died. He did tell me that some girl was rubbing his face in the fact that his brother molested him, trying to get him to deal with it and that that seemed to cause his mind to snap to the point that the police were called. During the cop’s visit to his apartment, they noticed all his drug paraphernalia, so they returned two hours later with a warrant. It looks like he was gonna be facing some jail time.

He also told me that when he and his sister were going through his things, they found a scrapbook full of all kinds of stickers. Mostly colorful ones that children would have. That was when the sister told Andy that that was part of the pervert brother’s way of rewarding Quinn. Whenever the brother would want a sex favor, he’d give Quinn stickers for it.

He says Michelle’s wasting her time. She met some gay girl online that she’s gonna meet. Well, if this girl shows up (it might not even be a girl) she says she’ll be happy enough to settle for friendship if the girl doesn’t turn her on. That’s what she says, but it’s not that easy, as Andy pointed out. She’s gonna be too pissed if she isn’t attracted to her. You get all psyched up to meet someone, then find them to be ugly, or at least not attractive, and you’re too let down and pissed to want to be all buddy-buddy with them. See, Michelle’s only 24, so she’s now learning the things I learned at her age. She’ll learn, though, and get used to reality at some point. At least I hope she does since she can’t change it.

Later…

Tom went to work an hour ago, but he’ll be back at 9:30. (I hope) It’s just that end-of-the-month bullshit he has to deal with. I say I hope he’ll be in then because rather than eating my second TV dinner, he’ll be bringing in my weekend treat of a small order of fries and a cappuccino shake. The shake may play on my tummy a bit, as is dairy’s favorite thing to do with me, but it’ll be worth it. I just hope he doesn’t get held up at work till 11:30. That happens to him sometimes, so, if he’s not here by 10:30, I’ll just go ahead and eat a TV dinner.

The Lopezs sure did get themselves a hell of a spotlight in their backyard. I was in the back room when I saw light reflecting on the house across the alley and went out to check it out. This light is really damn bright. Brighter than the freeloader’s security light. I think this one’s motion-censored, too.

I wonder if Tom’s back muscle strain will enable us to go back to screwing around till the next thing comes up to bump us out of our plans/schedule. Still haven’t been as horny as I used to be, still don’t want a kid, thank God.

Tom isn’t the only injured party here, believe it or not. I have mild pulled muscles in the backs of my thighs, and major pulled ones in the area in front of the armpits. The muscles that go down into the tits. It wouldn’t prevent me from screwing, though.

Still walking every day, although I do take 1-2 days off a week. Still about 113-115 pounds from what I can guess and the mineral pill’s still curbing 80% of the problem I was having with constant, intense hunger.

It’s Friday night, so the stereos are out. Someone’s been banging by for 3 evenings in a row at around 6:30, but when I run to look, I never see a car. I don’t think it’s Caddy Kid, because I’d see him. Also, Caddy Kid would bang by either three times a day or no times a day. This one’s doing it just once. The music doesn’t last for long and it’s not as loud either, so maybe it’s a block away. Or not driving past both the side and front of the house, since we’re on the corner. Maybe he comes up the side, but then turns the other way and doesn’t go by the front.

Measles really knows she’s my favorite bird. I put some seed on the block wall and she dove right into it. Whenever some of the others tried to sneak a bite at the sides of her, I shooed them away with a wave of my arm. Meanwhile, she didn’t even flinch. It’s like she knew I was guarding her.

Later…

Tom got in early and we just ate our weekend treat.

I cannot believe that I’m just about a week away from my first anniversary of quitting smoking. It’s unbelievable. I never thought I’d see this day. Tom did, though. He said he knew it was inevitable. He also says it’s inevitable that we’ll have a kid. I don’t want one, though, although that’d make me more eligible in God’s eyes. If Tom were right, but I know he’s not, then that’d mean I’d have to get fixed because of health problems. The only way I’d let them fix me is if it were necessary due to health problems/risks, but I don’t see how the hell there can be a connection. I’ve never heard of sterility causing health problems.

Andy said that for the longest time, he’d ask himself what his purpose in life was. Then, he realized that there were two purposes - to show Quinn that a man can love another man, and to lead me out here and to Tom and all that. Well, it sure is true that if it weren’t for him I’d never be out here. God would either have to find some other way to get me out here and to Tom or send Tom back east to me there.

I know Andy won’t move back east, but a bigger part of me wishes he would. He wouldn’t call me as much, although he’s improved with that. But talking once a month would be better for me than once a week. Hell, I could go months, but still, talking once a month would make our talks more special.

He’d also have my letters to look forward to, and I’d look forward to sending them.

Lastly, I’d get to laugh at him in the winter, which he gave me permission to do.

Except for Lisa, he left things behind. There are his parents, his brothers, nieces, nephews, the beach, other people he knows, bars he knows, etc. Although, if he and David hit it off, I doubt they’d go to bars. David lives in a house that he shares with two other guys. These two other guys are a couple, I believe, and they own the house. Or one of them does. As Andy told David (this is totally understandable) he doesn’t really feel comfortable about moving in with people he doesn’t know, so he and David are gonna look for a place of their own when Andy gets there. He says David’s gonna support him till he gets a job.

I hope I’m wrong on two things. I hope he really does go back. And I hope he and David have a great relationship. It’s sad, though, to see Andy have to give up this beautiful weather and his home here, to have the slightest shot at love. A person should be able to find love anywhere, but then again, I sure as hell didn’t find anyone like Tom back there and I don’t think there’s such a thing as a Tom S anywhere else. Not just back there.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 24, 1998 Today was a busy, yet productive day. I changed the mice and rats’ cages (did a neat new setup), did a quick little load of laundry for Tom, did the dishes, and made a little booklet of scanned pictures for Mom, Mary, and Dave. That scanner is one of the best investments we ever made. I scanned about 12 pages, each with two pictures per page, of animals and cage setups. Mostly pictures of Gizzy, Teddy Bear, Bunny and Spunky. I let them know I’d soon make a booklet with pictures of the cat, rat, and current GP.

Tom’s mom called while I was in the bathroom and left a message saying she didn’t think he should do any more work since his back’s bad. That was nice of her to consider him like that.

Tom says they’re gonna illegalize unavailable calls. Most unavailable calls are sales and it’s that way so that people will be more likely to answer and get suckered into something than they would if they could see the name/number of these assholes. They’re already illegal in Texas. All businesses must show their name and numbers. When we move we’ll go back to having two lines. One for the computer and for people we have to give our number to, but don’t want to be harassed by, like credit card companies. See, if we give Sears our number, for example, they go and give it to other companies, so since a lot of companies sell their customer list, it just keeps escalating till every sales company out there has our number. Two lines will also be good if Lisa calls and Tom wants to go on AOL while we’re talking.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 23, 1998 The cock came and got its bitch this morning and of course, Bill’s here now. I didn’t see the cock and bitch, but I’m sure the bitch will be dropped off in the afternoon by its cock, too.

Sometimes I want to say I’m around 110 pounds, other times 115 pounds. Well, I don’t know what I am. I just know I’m not below 110 pounds or over 120 pounds.

My allergies are on the fritz again. Bad time in Arizona for that.

Yesterday, I said to myself, my teeth are just now losing their soreness, and in just 12 days, I gotta be made sore all over again. Bummer!

Got some corny emails from Evie. A couple of stupid stories. One’s about hugs and the other is about burdens.

I’m still furious about our daughter. What? I spend 32 years being angry at my family, get over that, and now I have to be angry at his family? Thanks, God.

Maybe Tom could’ve mowed by now, could’ve fixed the back screen door, could’ve done a lot of things that we need to do around the house if he weren’t so busy having to live that asshole’s life for her. Yeah, he’ll be getting off of work in about a half-hour, then he’ll be heading over to her house to do yet more work for her.

I wonder why he stopped over at Mary’s to eat lunch, though? He said he was in the area and stopped there, rather than at our daughter’s house, but I thought he was supposed to have washed his hands clean of that user. Well, maybe he meant he’d still associate with her, but not spend another $4,000 on her or hours and hours of work, either. Hours that add up to months, even years.

The only thing that I believe will absorb some of this hurt, but mostly anger, is just not gonna happen. And that’d be our daughter paying half of our outstanding bills, giving him a few hundred to just blow on whatever he wants, and buying me a few of those dolls I want.

Again, that’s not gonna happen, and I’ll do almost anything for Tom’s family out of my love and respect for my husband (not buy her thousands of more dollars on things, but attend her funeral and things like that), but other than doing anything he may request of me, I don’t ever want to see his fucking family again and I can’t wait for the day that user dies.

Our daughter can’t give us back the time we’ve lost due to her, but she can give us back the money we’ve lost due to her. I’m surprised Tom’s not pushing for her to pay us some of the money back that she owes us and that she used us for. He’d push to get his money back if a company ripped him off of that amount of money, so why not her?

Later…

I had to take some Benadryl which put me out for a two-hour nap since I couldn’t stop sneezing.

Just walked 10 minutes and added those 10 minutes to the 5 minutes I’ve already walked. I’ll do more, too. Walking and playing the tiles game sure beats walking to music or reading while walking. It’s the quickest time-passer. It makes walking a half-hour seem like walking for a few minutes. Of course, I break up that 20 minutes to a half-hour over the course of the day.

Speaking of working out, well, I learned two new things about coffee. I learned that caffeine enhances a workout. Something to do with how it affects the central nervous system. It’s also a mild diuretic. No wonder I have to pee so much when I drink it. Even decaf coffee makes me pee like hell.

Tom brought the animals (except the cat) a treat today when he went to pick up sawdust. He got more nibble sticks, and also some Cheetos. There are orange ones and green ones. It said on the bag that it was for guinea pigs, hamsters, gerbils, mice and rats. Velvet and Ratsy didn’t seem to care for the orange ones, but they ate the green ones. The mice seem to like both.

He said he saw the perfect nest for Ratsy there that he’ll take me to see sometime. Right now he’s curled up in dreamland in the old plastic ball. He’s too big for this ball, though. It’s really only good for hamsters and gerbils. The mice never cared for the ball. They just sit there, rather than roam around in it.

Tom’s back is doing better. He said when he keeps moving, it’s OK, but when he’s still, it gets stiff.

He was able to work at our daughter’s house and says things are going as scheduled and he should be done tomorrow. Thank God!

He said he’s determined to get going with doing stuff for us and with living our lives.

We had another chat, which was good, about her and the money and all that. He reminded me that whether or not she knowingly took advantage of Tom for his money (which she never needed because she’s got 100 grand in the bank) or did so due to her illness, that money’s coming back because we’ll be getting about $20,000-$30,000 when she dies. True. And what goes around does come around. I really believe that. At least I do for most people. Someday those freeloaders are gonna make a reasonable request of someone and they’re gonna get shit on for it. Someone’s gonna bother them and stress them out someday. Fortunately, I’ve paid for all the people I woke up with my prank calls and I’ve paid for that child I’ll never have waking me up as I woke my folks up, but it’s gonna be another several months before I pay for the annoying calls I made. Remember, I have to pay at least 4 times over for the things I do. Got lots of more sales calls to be bothered by!

So, as Tom told me he feels he’s paid his debt to his dad, but it was something that he, at least in his mind, had to do. He’d hang out with his father because he was his friend, but when he hangs out with his mother, it’s because he’s being the “good son.” So, he’ll continue to visit his mom, but he’s not gonna give her hours of his time and thousands of dollars. He can at least visit her because what’s gone on with her is a totally different situation than what I went through with my family. His mother doesn’t abuse him in any way.

Later…

The cock’s on the street. Bill’s still here, too, but I expect he’ll slam out any sec. He’s parked outside of the carport, though, so I won’t hear his door so much.

That bitch is just like our daughter. Nothing but a user. Even if Bill has no wife and no life, you think he wants to put in all those hours of work in taking care of that little mistake and getting no money for it? I don’t think so. She’s using him.

Know what else shocks me? The fact that the cock doesn’t approach and leave the house blasting music. I mean if it’s on the street, what can I do, right? I’m surprised that once he gets as close as two houses away when he’s coming and that once he pulls out into the street when he’s leaving, he doesn’t really blast it. Maybe the bitch really doesn’t like the music real loud, because although she’s been with him when his bass was thumping, she’s never been with him when it’s really thumping. That’s basically his thing. Guess that bitch really does want to keep that house bad. Fortunately, I still vibe us moving before they do, thank God, so I can make my little delivery and not have to worry about them damaging the house.

Later…

If Andy really moves in April, though I know he won’t, then either Tom or I am right about moving in March or June. Or somewhere really close to March and June, if old patterns stick. As Andy pointed out, we’d always move within a few months of each other. So, if patterns stick, one of us should be right and I hope it’s him, of course. I just hope that it’s quiet till we split and that we go before our lovely freeloaders do!

Speaking of old patterns sticking, it should be quiet this winter. Normally, I’d get compensated for all this quiet time I’ve been soaking up, but I never seem to move out of a noisy situation. Except for the NHA. I’m not saying there won’t be enough basketball games, but it’s always after I’ve gotten a neighbor to quiet down that one of us moves. Not always, but usually. If things keep going as they have, though, the freeloaders should stay quiet as far as the music goes till they move. Or till we do. If they were moving right now, though, there’d be music like you wouldn’t believe. So, if I suddenly start getting based out, that’ll mean they’re moving, because then what would they care anymore? Not that they ever did care about me. Just themselves. They’ll probably revert back to their old ways after we move if we do move first. I don’t know if the cock will move back in, but it’ll spend nights there, which I’m surprised it doesn’t do now, and the music will be like old times whenever he does come and go. Same with the bitch’s cronies.

Later…

Today and yesterday were easier as far as the hunger goes. I hope that since I can’t be hunger-free every day I can at least be OK most days. I’m walking, doing inner thigh, hip, and arm exercises, and watching the calories. I’d guess my weight to be about 115 pounds now. My guess as to what I’ll weigh when I weigh myself next is 112-115 pounds. Wish I could say I’d be no higher than 110 pounds, but nope.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 22, 1998 This is unbelievable. I expected to remain in the high one-teens to the low 120s until I weighed myself again in mid-October. You know, like 117-122 pounds. When I woke up, though, I was noticeably thinner. Thinner than I ever have been since gaining weight, I think. My hips are down to a 35”! According to what I’ve kept track of on the calendar, my hips were 37” when I was 122 pounds and 36” when I was 117 pounds. After calculating, wouldn’t me having my hips at 35” put me at around 111 pounds? But could I really be down that low? Do I look it? I’ll have to ask Tom.

Meanwhile, I also almost buttoned up a pair of shorts that I couldn’t even come close to zipping, let alone buttoning. I could pull the material at the waist within 2” of touching and that was it. Now, I can zip them up and almost button them. If I tried hard enough, I’m sure I could button them, but not without squashing my kidneys and all that. No thanks.

Lastly, there was a really sexy bikini-like top that Andy gave me that used to belong to a friend of Michelle’s. Her friend was an exotic dancer too, and it’s a gold satin top, with black ribbon straps and black fringes hanging down to the hips. Well, I couldn’t even clasp that top around my tits when I was given this thing. I was a good inch or two away from the clasps reaching. Now - perfect fit!

Picked up five suspense movies at the video store yesterday, and Tom got a computer game in the mail that he was all psyched up about. I’ve seen three of the movies and they were great. I was afraid it’d turn out that I’d seen them before but had just forgotten, or that I wouldn’t be able to get into them.

Tom’s at our daughter’s house trying to finish up the six or so remaining hours of Mrs. Live-My-Life-For-Me’s work. I hope his back holds out during this slavery, which he hurt at work last night. Now all I have to do is hope that Mrs. Do-Everything-For-Me won’t end up worsening it.

Later…

I’m OK with never seeing Tammy again and I probably never will, but I sure miss Lisa. I really believe, though, that she’ll fly out here someday within the next few years. If not to live, then to visit.

She and Sarah are just kind of there in the looks department, but God I hope poor Becky’s looks improve for her sake. She is not only geeky and overweight, but her face reminds me of a little chipmunk. Tammy’s feelings would probably be hurt if I told her that of all three girls, I really see her in Becky. It’s so true, though. She also looks a lot like Bill’s niece Lisa who’d be in her late teens by now. She too, was a homely, heavy girl. I shouldn’t talk, though. I’m not only aging in looks, but I’m also looking like a total geek these days. I always had a geeky look to my face. Not my eyes, but in the mouth and chin area, I look really goofy. And although I’m thinner than I was last January, and although most women would probably swap bodies with me, I’m still fat.

That address label company sent me a few labels. God, I cannot believe people’s persistence! People just do not give up. They are so obsessed. There were 5 sales calls today and I’m sure there’ll be a few more. They’re right back to their old shit as far as the constant calls go. I don’t know anymore if Jenny C is tied in with some of these calls or not, but people sure are pushy.

Speaking of which, I just got an “unavailable” call and the guy asked for David S. Yeah, we still even get mail for him at times. Anyway, I told the guy to fuck off and he said, “Yes ma’am.” Well, we’ll see if this makes him all the more determined to call or not.

Anyway, the labels are seasonal and pretty boring for the most part.

Tom didn’t go to our daughter’s house today because his back hurt too much. He said he should be able to get around to it tomorrow. If he goes there and ends up getting more hurt, I’ll personally kill this woman myself! God, I wish this family didn’t live locally! I love Arizona and want to stay here, but sometimes I think California or Nevada would be nice. Then all these users wouldn’t bother him so much. Hell, I can’t believe Wendy doesn’t call anymore. Haven’t heard from her in months.

Tom’s dad was really big on people not taking advantage of others. He turned his brother away who was a homeless drunk and came to the house one day years ago. Tom said he never saw him that mad. Well, I always believed that if someone was a negative influence in your life, you should get rid of them whether they’re related or not. People need to have self-respect and look out for themselves.

Tom taught me the class he’s gonna be teaching to about 10 people tonight, so he could practice how he’d go about it. It’s that thing they taught him in Vegas about handling change and how the “ending phase” brings on feelings of denial, anger, shock, fear, and frustration. (I’d add depression) And the “neutral zone” brings on feelings of anxiety, chaos, confusion, uncertainty, and miscommunication. The “new beginning” brings on feelings of enthusiasm, anxiety, energy, hope, impatience, creativity, acceptance, and skepticism. Not all people get all these emotions, but some do, and it deals with how to deal with them best.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 21, 1998 The freeloader just got her yard done for free for being the city bum that she is.

Speaking of the little freeloader, I cannot believe the company-freak this lisp bitch is! Fortunately for everyone around here, there was no music. A bald black boy of about 6 years of age began to play basketball, but to my astonishment, it was only for a minute. Also to my astonishment, 3 cars came, and I never even heard doors. You’d think they’d give me a major slamming spree, but nope.

At 11:30, the white car, which seems to be the car that comes the most on weekends, came and took the bitch somewhere. I think this is her sister who drives this white car.

At 2:00 things got really weird. I couldn’t tell for sure, but the two cars in the carport were the white one, and the cock’s car. Out in the driveway, was a red one. If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear the cock was living there. He probably did drag over his friends, though.

By 4:00 all cars were gone. Then an hour later, I saw the bitch standing by the red car, which took off shortly after. I also saw someone walking into the house that appeared to be a fat, Spanish woman in her late teens or early 20s. Her hair was wavy, and it was just past the shoulders.

Bill is over there mistake-sitting and given how the weather was this morning, I’d say it’ll be any time now that they’ll pop their windows and doors open and hit the outdoors. It was actually pleasant out, slightly cool. Summer’s just about gone, but the bees aren’t. The bees are still alive and kicking big time, whereas they were gone by mid-August last year.

In good news - I finished the proofreading! Finally, huh? Anyway, I may do some other long-term, fun project, but we’ll see.

Later…

I’m not the least bit surprised to say this, but the mineral pill seemed to stop taking effect yesterday. Yesterday, and today so far, I’ve got my mind on food an awful lot. I’m not back in the 120s like I thought I’d be by now, but I’m definitely still in the 115-120-pound range.

The goddamn phone’s gonna start ringing off the hook any second now. Last Friday by 2:00, there’d already been 20 calls. Lisa, Andy, sales, etc.

I just called and made the appointment with the GYN that Tom and I picked out. The soonest I could get was November 9th, but that’s fine. She’s an OB/GYN and she does infertility.

Now, I know that if I were smart, I wouldn’t even bother. Chances are great that I’m just not gonna get any answers. I don’t know why. It’s just a feeling I get. Also, Tom boldly lied through his teeth last night. I made a comment saying, “You cum more often than not,” to see if he’d go along with it and he did as he said, “Yup,” which is fucking bullshit! Total fucking bullshit!!

After I asked myself if there was any way he could be cumming without my knowing it and acknowledged that the answer was no, I then asked myself why he’d be lying about this. Why is he so afraid to let the truth be known to me? Is he afraid of how I’d react? He obviously isn’t worried about his testing interfering with things or giving him away. Somehow, he knows he can “beat” this testing thing. He seems to be confident about it, anyway. If we do go through with testing, and if he does let them have a sample of his cum, then I was right all along about his “selective cumming.”

Well, as I said months ago, I’m determined to never let the issues of sex or a child hurt, anger, or frustrate me again in any way. I refuse to let these things be a part of my life, and maybe that’s why I’m not hurt that he lied to me, although I suppose I should be. Any other woman probably would be, but because I no longer want a child, and because I got so sick of the whole damn screwy sex thing a long time ago, it doesn’t faze me. Not even I choose to cum anymore when we screw. Although, for different reasons, of course. I’m just not turned on enough, although I would cum regularly if he always went down on me instead of always screwed me. I’d just rather get off myself, but even that’s not so easy anymore.

This is the second out of three vibrators to break on me. So, unless it’s something up there trying to tell me this is a forbidden pleasure, vibrators suck. They’re made so shitty, so I’m just gonna use the last one I’ve got till it breaks, then no more vibrators.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 20, 1998 As far as I know, our little lisp bitch next door’s been behaving. I was only up till 4 PM yesterday, but in all that time, I didn’t see or hear any cars.

Maybe I’ve already mentioned this, but what I don’t get about this bitch and cock is this: If he’s got enough money to have such nice cars, and if he can keep a job steadily, why not marry the bitch and support the bitch and mistake himself? Can’t he take care of them? Why leave them stuck on welfare with all the rules and restrictions that go with it? Maybe the bitch just likes the idea of having something handed to her for free, even if it isn’t much. They’ve all gotta try to get something for nothing.

You know, it still really pisses me the fuck off the more I think of his mom and others on his side of the family. It really burns me up to know we’re out $4,000 and two years because of this selfish woman. Doesn’t she, Mary, Dave, or anyone else have a clue as to how much time and money we’ve lost because of her, Mary, and others? When Tom, who knows money well, told me just how much money we’ve been suckered out of, I was so pissed, and I still am, that I don’t know if I want to even see these people again. It’d just be way too hard to look them in the face and smile and be all nice to them.

I saw on the Caller ID box that Mary called last night after I crashed. Now, I know she didn’t call just to say hi. I’ll ask Tom when he gets up what she wanted from him this time. I just hope he sticks to his word of putting his foot down. I would’ve stopped at the first $100 and the first 10-20 hours of work I put in for Mrs. Do My Work For Me, and when I asked Tom why it took two years and $4,000, he said it was because he felt bad for her. Also, he felt like he owed his dad, who never took advantage of his time or money, but now he’s realized he’s paid his debt many times over. To me, we as children or grownups, don’t owe our parents anything. When they decided to have us, they should’ve known what they were getting into, and they’re not our responsibility. Marge just has no concept of money, according to Tom. Tom’s dad would take him with him to buy parts for jobs he needed and would pay him more than what the parts cost. And he never demanded so many hours, days, months, and even years of work from Tom, and he never played favorites. This woman, though, thinks all jobs should pay $20. He goes out and buys $100 worth of parts, then 5 hours, or days later, depending on how long the job took, she gives him $20, then says she’ll “catch him later.” In other words, what she’s really saying is, “I got what I wanted from you, now fuck off.”

Now, his dad may have given us $10,000 towards buying this house in ‘93, and mom may have bought us a $3,000 AC/heat pump, and given us other things, and we may be doing well financially these days, but with all the money spent on her, we could’ve bought this shit ourselves many times over.

People with younger kids have no respect for others. They think they’re special and that they should come first, and they think they’re owed top this, top that. I’ll bet you anything that Pam raided that house right along with Jackie, Jim, David and Evie.

I wish Marge would just hurry up and drop dead, and I don’t give a shit how mean, selfish, cruel, ungrateful or spoiled that sounds. We’ve lived her life for her long enough. My whole life has been total overkill on taking care of others first and myself last. Or just not being able to live my life for myself and do the things I want to do for whatever reason. Either fate wouldn’t allow it, there wasn’t enough money, etc. I’m not saying no one ever did anything for me or spent money on me. Look at all the help I got from Tammy, Dureen and Art in getting me the hell out of New England. Look at all Tom’s done for me. Nonetheless, my whole life’s been what I was forced to be like, to say, to do, but no more! No fucking more! I have too much self-respect these days to be taken financially or to associate with people like Dureen and Art who don’t love/accept me as I am and who are control freaks. Everything has always been what I can do for others. Not what I can do for myself, but for others. Well, I’m taking my life back now that should’ve been mine the day God gave it to me. As soon as she does die, though, Mary, Evelyn, and others are gonna be bombarding Tom with do-this-and-do-that-for-me requests because they’ll think that when Mom dies, he still won’t want his own life and his own money. Well, they’re wrong!

Deep down, though, I will always appreciate the fact that there was never any violence, verbal, emotional, or sexual abuse in this family as there was in mine. (there was no sexual abuse in mine, though, that I know of) Tom said Ma’s long-dead stepfather was a violent drunk, though. My family consists of abusers, his consists of users.

Of course, I want to do things to please Tom, because he’s the love of my life. Of course, I’ll talk to Lisa. Of course, I’ll tell Andy something in Spanish for him if I can. I’m just saying that Tom and I need to live our lives too, and do stuff for our house, and use our money for us.

In better news, I never knew it when he came into bed last night, so that’s great.

We got our yearly check from SRP for a few hundred dollars, so now we can hunt for the best airfare deals and head on over to Vegas! See, there are two electric companies. APS and SRP. We have APS which is more expensive, so SRP pays us the money we would’ve saved if we’d had them. The people can’t choose who they use, though. It all depends on where you live.

We also picked out a lady OB/GYN (Dr. Wells) for me to call this week for a check-up and to start the testing. I can’t believe I’m finally doing this. Or at least, it looks like I’m gonna be doing this.

I asked Tom if he felt that doing what Andy’s sister Linda did is a form of a black market paying for a person and all that. He said he doesn’t feel paying for fertility stuff/babies in that way is like the black market.

Later…

Tom got up a while ago but has gone back to bed to at least rest. He has to go to work tonight at 7:30.

Mary called to say what she did at Marge’s house. She and Dave went over to play around with the stuff, more so than to help do their fair share of work. Tom has the dumpster till Friday, so at least he’s not too pressured to finish the job, but you’re talking another 5-6 hours’ worth of work he has to do for her.

Thank God there is a Mary and Dave and other relatives because then we’d be stuck with her living here and with 100% of the work, instead of 90% of it. I probably would’ve insisted she go to a nursing home.

Tom was telling me about a disturbing movie he saw that he hopes I don’t see. I won’t want to see it now since he already told me about it. Besides, I pretty much only watch the movies we’ve been renting. I do like commercial-free movies better than TV shows (series) but I hate today’s acting style almost as much as yesterday’s. Yesterday’s was overkill on the dramatics, but at least you could hear what they were saying. Today, there are fewer dramatics, but you can’t hear a damn thing they say, because they talk so fucking soft. And there’s just too much repetition. Like I said, it’s wrong for Dureen and Art to have tried to control/change me like they did, but I can understand how easy it is to get sick of hearing the same things, or things that are of no interest to me.

Being a drama schoolteacher must be easy. I mean, all you gotta do is tell students, “Talk really soft and show no emotion.”

I’m really excited about taking up a new hobby - doll collecting. I’m done collecting mugs, stickers, rodent cage parts, journals and CDs. I wish it weren’t so costly, but I just can’t get over how cute/lifelike some of the dolls in this catalog are! Tom and I are gonna look around the city to see if we can find dolls that are just as nice and compare prices, but I’ll keep this catalog just in case. Hope I win big in Vegas!

I’ll describe the four dolls I’d like to start with getting over the next several months.

The Rapunzel doll, which looks like a small child, is 19” tall with long blond hair, brown eyes, and a dark green dress. If I could change anything about her, I’d make her hair dark and I’d change her dress color to pink.

Katherine Rose, who also looks like a small child, is 14” tall like the Jessica doll I’ve got, with hazel eyes, auburn hair that’s up in a bun with curls hanging down on the sides, and a burgundy-colored dress.

Patrice, who looks like she’s a teenager, is 14” tall and a beautiful ballerina. She stands on one toe, with the other straight up behind her. She’s got dark curly hair piled up with loose curls spilling around her face, dark eyes, and a beautiful, sleeveless, light blue tutu.

Summer Dream is the most realistic and womanly doll of them all, although Patrice is pretty realistic-looking, too. Summer Dream is 19½” tall, and a gorgeous bride with blue eyes and blond hair piled up. I love how her backless gown falls off the shoulders.

I guess I never did describe Jessica, the one I stole in the mail. Well, she’s 14” tall with long blond hair, blue eyes, and is a young child wearing a light blue cotton dress with a matching bonnet and holding a teddy bear.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 18, 1998 I have a shitload of shit to update on. First of all, I wouldn’t be surprised if Andy was a pest this weekend. Or at least till we get to talk live next. Red Lobster called me yesterday asking if “Mark” was gonna come in and I let him know that he didn’t live there and that I was just listed as a reference. I gave him his number. Andy left a message later saying he didn’t know why I was called. Guess the kid couldn’t read his file correctly, but Andy’s kind of on-call and doesn’t know from one day to the next whether or not he’s doing lunch or dinner. He hates Red Lobster because he’s making shitty money there. Too bad, because I know he’s wanted to work there for quite a while. Anyway, in his reply message to me, he also said he had some exciting news for me that he wants to tell me live, and I’m thinking - Great. I can’t wait. I’m sure the exciting news is nothing more than a guy he met who he thinks is Mr. Right and that he’ll live happily ever after with, something about Stevie Nicks, or some hot new career he thinks he’s getting into. Nonetheless, I’ll listen to whatever he has to tell me. I’m not a Dureen. It’s not like I don’t care or love and accept him as he is, and it’s OK for him to talk about stuff that doesn’t interest me.

Got up a couple of hours ago and left Andy an update on what’s been going on, which I’ll update here in a sec, but I don’t always expect him to remember or even get what the hell I’m saying.

Haven’t heard from Andy or Michelle about those messages I left. Yeah, I finally got around to leaving some messages with the different voices reading goofy text.

Lisa called me yesterday to fill me in on things. I know that she’ll be calling while she’s suspended. Bill didn’t hit her. That was a relief to know, but she’s still upset with how Tammy appears to be contradicting and she doesn’t like how she’s always talked about. I told Lisa that the sooner she learns that most people are contradicting and that people will always gossip about her whether it’s in a good or a bad way, the easier her life will be (as if Andy hasn’t spent hours and hours talking about me to Michelle).

She said she called Larry’s for the first time in a while and that now she sees what I mean. She said she called wanting to talk to Jen, but Larry answered. She said he sounded very cold. Yeah, I knew it. As I told her, sooner or later, he’s gonna reach his fill and basically wash his hands clean of her. He’s a wimp. Can’t deal with other people’s problems. He didn’t just dump me years ago because of things I said and did to him, Sandy or Michelle, but because I had so many problems back then.

Anyway, instead of thinking - I told her not to call - now she can hopefully learn her lesson from this. She got to see what I was talking about, so hopefully she, Tammy, and her sisters won’t ever contact Mom, Dad, or Larry. They’ll only hurt them. Maybe not right away, but they will. For every good, fun time you can have with these people, that’s 50 frustrating, bad times you get too. They’re not worth it. The bad in them outweighs the good by way too much.

Still haven’t weighed myself in days, and now that my water’s gone and my period has passed, I don’t think I am back in the 120s after all. That trace mineral pill still seems to be making a world of difference, but it’s still too soon to say that it’s because of that. I do have a few days here and there where I’m not hungry every other second, but we’ll see. If I still feel more energized and less hungry a week from now, then yes, I’d say the mineral pill is helping.

If they didn’t make Benadryl, I’d never have gotten to my boring, uncomfortable appointment yesterday. I was in such a foul mood yesterday and I’m sure they all could tell. First, Melanie did her thing which wasn’t too bad. The pressure was only for half a minute, rather than for two or three, but the time I had to spend waiting in between Melanie and the filling, bored me to utter frustration. As well as bitterness towards God. If he’d just let me come into this world normal, I wouldn’t have to go through this shit. Wasn’t just the ear thing alone enough? Obviously not. But at least I get such a great-looking orthodontist out of it.

Novocain is a slow-acting drug. It takes a good 20 minutes or so for it to set in and really numb things up. And it also makes your heart race. It would’ve been fine if Melanie stayed in the room and chatted with me, but I was left all alone in there. I don’t know if it’s because she didn’t want to be around me, or because she had other things to do, but after what seemed like an eternity, the doctor and Oprah came in and filled me.

The doctor may not be such a liar after all. I told him I was surprised I had a cavity since I’d been brushing really well and he said it’s not so much that I have a cavity, it’s that the old filling broke up and left an area of decay exposed that had to be refilled.

Anyway, the soreness caused by Melanie and the doctor combined brought me to tears of frustration when I got home, and I’ve been taking a lot of Ibuprofen. I may have a lot of curses, but boy am I blessed to have such a wonderful, supportive guy like Tom.

Now that my appointment’s over, Tom and I can go back to being “normal” and sleep together.

Later…

What? Are we not working this morning, bitch, or are you back to leaving at 7:30, instead of earlier? Well, I don’t think she’s working. I think it’s some type of training thing. I’ll hear when Bill gets here.

Tom says he doubts the bitch’s cock will move back in again, but I disagree. I hope he’s right, but if I’m right, I���ll just have the cock kicked out again. It’ll only take up to two weeks to boot his ass out of here, and while I’m still here, if you can’t cut it in this neighborhood - you’re out of here! Particularly when it comes to next door.

Those Lopezs are very very lucky that I didn’t know that I’d be here this long back in ‘93 and that I know I won’t be here more than another year. Those dogs have been horrendous lately, and if I’d known I’d be here this long, or if I suddenly wanted to stay here, I’d either take legal action or have those dogs taken away or destroyed. It’d probably be one of the last two since legal action probably wouldn’t do me any good. The courts would tell them to keep their dogs quiet, the Lopezs would say “sure,” then carry on as usual. The only way they could shut those dogs up, anyway, would be to either keep them indoors or debark them.

Here’s Bill.

Later…

Lisa called and we spoke for about an hour. She’s bothered by the fact that people think she’s cutting herself to get attention. I know better, though. Take it from someone who was just like her - it has nothing to do with attention-getting. It’s an illness, and until she learns to channel her anger/depression/frustration differently, this is how it is.

I told her, using the cutting, the weight loss, the ear surgery, the teeth, etc., that it just takes time to solve most problems. They can take years to solve, but if not, they don’t usually get fixed overnight.

I told her that after dealing with two of the three things that I was born without/screwed up, it’s still hard, and it’s taken a long time (she knows about the ear and teeth, but didn’t know about the DES, which I explained to her).

She said she thinks of having a kid, but not at her age, naturally. More like when she’s 27. I told her that in my opinion, not getting married or having kids before age 25 is good. I think that between 25-45 is good. Of course, at her age, she sees 30 and 40-year-olds as antiques. I told her that once she got into her 20s, her 30s and 40s wouldn’t seem so old. Guess it just depends on where you are in life. At 80 years old, wouldn’t the 60-year-olds seem young?

She told me that this 16-year-old from school had a miscarriage, and the next night, she and her boyfriend were out partying. She also feels, though, that it was the best thing since she was so young and since this girl’s parents shouldn’t have been parents themselves from what she told me. I didn’t know God had it in him to kill a child that was inside of another child, but of course, he shouldn’t have stuck it in there in the first place.

She also says she found an old video of me. The one I sent in ‘94 with Tom and I at Castles & Coasters, and with Piggles swimming.

Lastly, she was describing the nuisances of having ADD where you can’t focus too easily on things. I swear that girl and I have everything in common except for two things. I never had the desire to become a meteorologist (not that she’s necessarily gonna end up doing this for sure) and I see nothing to indicate that Lisa’s gay or even bi in any way.

Never have I heard Tom utter one bad word about his father, and never have I heard him utter one bad word about his mother. Until yesterday. He’s fed up with what I got fed up with in ‘95 or ‘96. The constant demands. Do this for her. Do that for her.

See, as much as Tom disagrees with this too, back when his parents got married, it was common for the man to be the boss in every sense of the word. His parents were always the opposite of my parents. With my parents, Doe’s the boss. With his parents, whatever his dad said was what his ma did. So, now he’s not sure if the fact that his mother’s been taking advantage of him has to do with her illness or her own nature. Was she always this way? Is this the true Marjorie S that only emerged after Dad’s death? Although, I think it all started as soon as Dad got sick.

I’m glad that Tom told both his mother and Mary how he feels, and this is what he told me: He’s mainly bummed out by all the time and money he’s put into her, while she just gives hundreds of dollars worth of things to Jackie and Jim, David and Evie, etc. All they have to do is ask and they get. Tom spends 5 hours doing a job for her that costs him $30 worth of parts and what does she give him for it? A lousy $20. Meanwhile, that’s $10 and 5 hours he’s lost that we could’ve spent together, doing things for us for a change, in our house, and that’s money that could’ve been saved towards moving.

He totally regrets giving up his Nissan for her Ford, but Ma felt like she was doing him this huge favor and was all bummed out at the idea of him not taking the fucking thing. He’s spent so much money and so many fucking hours fixing this car. It’s getting better and it’ll be a sufficient enough car to have till we get a new one, but at least with the Nissan, it never wouldn’t go at all. He could put quick fixes on it till he had time to work on it. Not with this Ford, though. He has to work on major, money-eating problems right then and there or be without a car.

As I told him, I always did feel that he was the one who had to do the bulk of her work. He has to be Mary’s fucking mechanic, he has to put in a shower door at her house because Dave’s too stupid to, and on and on and on. He’s his mother’s driver, his mother’s this, his mother’s that, but everyone else gets to get things for nothing. They don’t lose any time or money.

I really think it’s because we don’t have kids. His mother obviously thinks that just because he has a life, he doesn’t mind giving it up for her. Well, she’s wrong, and I’m sick of the demands from that family and I’m sick of the favoritism. They’ve lessened lately, but still. Poor Tom has to spend hours at her old house, after working all night, emptying the stuff into a dumpster, while everyone else gets to sit on their fucking asses and get shit handed to them. I hope he’ll enjoy the memories that the stuff brings, though, because he was very close to his dad.

Years ago I wanted to tell Ma, “Hey! You’re running him ragged and I’m afraid you’re gonna kill the guy! He needs to get his sleep and he needs to live his life, too.”

But of course I never did/would because it’s not my place to. Not unless something serious did happen to Tom. Tom’s not blind, though. Unlike some people, he’s able to see what this has done to him/us, and he knows when to draw his own lines.

So, Tom’s basically had to decide whether or not to wash his hands clean of the situation, which he knows would mean sticking more on Mary, but tough. There comes a time when you have to think of yourself and your own life, too, you know. He’s not gonna dump his family in the way that I dumped mine, but he’s not gonna spend all this time and money on living her life for her.

I still love his mother dearly as well as the rest of the family, but if I were in their company right now, I don’t think I’d be my usual bubbly self. I think I’d be distant with a neutral tone of voice and they may perceive that to be cold, but like Tom said, you can’t control/change what others think.

I’m proud of him for speaking his mind and for making the decision he’s made.

I don’t know if she’s gonna sell the house or give it to Jackie and Jim, who are under the very false impression that they can rent that house out and get money for doing nothing. Well, if they take that house, they’re gonna be in for a surprise when they start calling for Tom’s help with maintaining it because the answer’s no.

I asked Tom if he thought I was using him for rides to the doctor and he said no because that’s part of our system, just like he’s not using me to do his laundry. True. Very true.

Both yesterday and the day before, I just missed the call back from Dr. Brown’s office. Lisa, the secretary called and left a message. Again, was I meant to miss the call? I sure felt like I was.

So yesterday, Tom offered to sit down with me this weekend and pick out one of Intergroup’s GYNs and just go directly to them so I wouldn’t have to go for repeat PAPs and all that BS.

Just a little while, though, Lisa called. It came up as private (private in the back and anonymous in the living room) and I picked up thinking that although it was early, maybe it was Andy. It was Lisa, though, and I recognized the voice right away. She asked how I knew it was her and I told her I was very good with voices. Anyway, she told me the primary doctors allow you to go once to another doctor without a referral and to call her back if there are any problems.

So, I guess it’s off to whatever GYN we pick out.

Later…

Oh, brother! Here we go again. What’s Andy’s wonderful news? Well, in his message to me, he says he’s definitely moving back east in April. David’s gonna pay for it, he’ll be moving right in with David, and he just doesn’t want to be alone anymore. Yeah, right! I mean, I know he’s desperately lonely, but I also know I’ve heard this before from him about moving back east and I know he’s not gonna do it.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 16, 1998 Unbelievably, I slept through a power failure. In the past, as soon as the power would fail, I’d wake up to the sound of the fan shutting down, the instant the power failed. I guess that since I’ve become much more relaxed since I don’t have the stress of next door’s old shit on me anymore, I can sleep better, but the power failure had to be only for a few seconds. If it were longer than just a few seconds, I’d wake up to the outside noise. Car doors, dogs, squeaky breaks, the mail going through the slot, anything.

I created new color themes, but I’ve got to fine-tune some of them.

Yesterday morning the freeloaders slammed doors for what seemed like forfuckingever. Looks like we’re back to the old routine - the cock’s taking the mistake for the day and the bitch is going off with Bill. Although, the cock was here longer than usual. At least for 15 minutes. Before, he’d just grab the mistake and split. Also, Bill’s car was here for quite a while, too, even after the cock left.

Later…

Tom brought home natural mineral pills called chromium picolinate. I’ve never heard of it before, but so far it’s a gift from God. I repeat, so far, since things have a way of seeming to do me good at first, then not so good after all.

As I may have mentioned, I’ve really had it with being hungry all the time. It was really taking its toll on me. Tom put the scale in the garage, which I don’t need anyway because I can tell when I lose or gain weight. I’m already gaining back the weight I’ve lost, but that’s OK. Nowadays I’m more into how I feel. Not how I look. I can be a fat person. No one’s gonna shoot me for it, and my husband will love me just the same. Anyway, the purpose of these mineral pills is to curb hunger pangs. It said that low blood sugar causes poor concentration, weakness, and food cravings. Well, I definitely was having poor concentration and food cravings. I took one yesterday with food, as they recommended. I got up at 1 AM and had a few crackers to hold me over. I had decided that I’d have a whole can of bean soup once I fully woke up. So once I did wake up, I reached for the can of soup, but then realized I wasn’t the least bit hungry. So I waited till just a little while ago, but by the time I ate half the soup, I felt stuffed! So, we’ll just have to see what happens.

I’m gonna try to keep up with the walking. It takes just over 5 minutes to play a tiles game while walking, so even if I play 5 games once an hour, it ought to do me good in keeping my stamina built up.

Later…

Just did a little singing for the second time since I’ve been up.

Ratsy really wanted out of his cage today and yesterday. He really likes coming out and being handled now a lot better than he did at first.

Blackie’s really getting healthier. When I’d pat his back, I could feel all the knobs of his spine, but now it’s covered. He’s filling out nicely.

I can’t cry over this one, but I haven’t seen White Paws in a couple of days. I wonder where the hell she could be. I never thought she’d disappear any more than I thought Mama Cat would, but we’ll see. I think she’ll show up soon enough.

Different family members are having their share of medical stuff to deal with. Mary and Evie are having gallbladder surgery, and Mary’s gonna have part of her thyroid removed. Mom’s still shaky and out of it, but there’s a new medication she’s gonna be trying that’ll hopefully help the tremors.

I don’t know if I ever mentioned Tom’s first wife Karen. They were married for two years when Tom was around 20. They were married in Bullhead City, AZ. Karen turned out to be a real nut and Tom said she wanted to divorce so she could be free to do more things alone. According to Tom, she didn’t want kids. If he did, though, then why’d he marry someone who didn’t?

Guess I’ll be chatting with Andy again sometime soon. We were talking about the scandal going down with the president the last time we spoke. I just don’t understand why the public is so shocked. They act as if they’ve never heard of such slutty behavior before. Hey, whores are a dime a dozen.

I typed up a few messages that I’ll leave, in different voices, on Michele’s machine after she leaves for work.

Later…

The blue car came and got the bitch just a few minutes ago. Bill’s car’s over there now, so I guess he’s gonna be here mistake-sitting all day.

As fate would have it, White Paws is alive and well and I just found her outside the door. This goes to prove Tom wrong, though, when he says she is too weak to hunt for herself. I hadn’t fed her in a few days, which was when I last saw her, yet she had to have eaten something since then, or else she’d be dead. She can fend for herself just fine.

God, that’s so fucking weird! It’s raining, thundering, and windy as all hell out there right now, yet the sun is shining brightly.

Later…

My period’s doing what it’s been doing for the last several months. About 4-5 days ago, I had a couple of days of spotting, but nothing since then. So, within the next few days, I’ll have a flow.

You know, I don’t really like the idea of Bill babysitting here. What’s to say that when the weather cools down that thing’s not gonna be out and about screaming its little black clown ass off? I’m sure I wouldn’t notice it for the most part, since I have the air cleaner on a lot or a fan to drown out the guard dogs, and it’s better than bass, but I still don’t like the idea of it. I’m gonna have enough screaming and ball games to listen to this winter as it is. Well, I’ll deal with next door as I see fit. Sometimes I think of propping the music room window open, both when I know they’re bopping around in their driveway, and in the middle of the night, and really letting them have it music-wise, but two things stop me from doing so. One is that I just can’t stoop myself as low as they are and provoke them for no reason like they’ve done to me. They haven’t caused any shit to deserve this in months, save for the usual door-slamming. The other reason is that I know it won’t bother them. In fact, they’d probably enjoy it.

Later…

I wish these next two days would come and go like yesterday! I’m dog-tired already, yet I have a long haul ahead of me. I want to stay up till at least 6:00.

Although the mineral pill is still keeping me from being ferociously hungry, and although I’m stuck, I am so bloated and so watery! Not even the water pill’s helping much, and I’ve got to be back to 124 pounds for sure or very close to it. I can tell you one thing for sure and that’s that I’ve got to be back in the 120s.

I’m waiting for the damn doctor’s office to call me back. Believe it or not, after a talk I had with Tom yesterday, I decided to finally go ahead and take the first steps towards getting tested, and whatever happens, happens. I'm waiting to hear if I should go directly to a GYN, or waste everyone’s time with repeated bloody PAPs at the regular office.

I still don’t want a child nor is it something I could ever handle, but I need to see instead of just suspect and believe how this whole thing will play out. Let’s see how accurate I am when I say they’ll either be able to find what’s wrong, but not be able to fix it, or they won’t be able to find what’s wrong. Let’s see how accurate I am about how uncooperative Tom will be, too. He swears he’ll support me and that he’ll “do his best.” He said to me, “Just because I may not be able to do what they suggest the instant they suggest it, doesn’t mean I’ve got some subconscious fear blocking me.” In other words, he’s already making excuses for what we both know he’s gonna do. If his not cumming isn’t in his psyche, then what else could it be? There’s no such physical problem as a guy who can get hard, but who can only cum once in a blue moon. As long as he can get hard, which is almost every time we screw, he can get off almost every time we screw, but if he doesn’t cooperate, I’m not gonna let that stop me from doing what I have to do. I want some answers if there are any for me at all and you know what else? I just may want to be fixed, if it were possible so I too, could have the choice that every woman should have. God certainly isn’t an equal-opportunity plumber, that’s for sure.

Later…

It’s almost hard to believe I’m still up. Between 10:00 and noon, I was dog-tired. Tom got in around noon, and we agreed I’d take a two-hour nap while he listened for the phone, but by then I couldn’t even nap. Well, I’d like to push it till 6:30 if I can. Then all I have to do is hope there are no storms.

I called at around 10 AM and asked the nurse to ask the doctor if she thought it best that I go directly to a GYN and explained why. I was told I’d be called back between 1:00 - 3:15. Gee, they’re really reliable, huh? Wonder if it’s a sign. Tom says if they don’t call, just make an appointment with a GYN, but I don’t know.

I walked 37 minutes today and it seemed to take no time at all. That’s because I broke it up and played 7 different tiles games once an hour. From now on, I’m going to try to walk/play at least 5 games a day, which will add up to about 30 minutes of walking. I’ll probably eat two TV dinners a day and snack on salad and popcorn in between.

Lisa called today. It was her that tried calling me a couple of days ago. She tried from school. She got suspended for being caught smoking. Back when I was in high school (the real one) they had a smoking area in an outside courtyard, but her high school doesn’t allow smoking anywhere.

Once again, I lectured her on the importance of doing well and following the rules so she can graduate and get out of there. But, as Tom says, teenagers don’t believe a thing grownups say. She’ll just have to live and learn.

She also cut herself after doing really well. I told her that we all have setbacks, but that each time she picked herself back up again, she’d stay up for longer.

Again, this cancer may not kill Bill (if it really ever existed), but he sure would literally die of relief if he knew just how lucky he is that I’m on the other side of the country. I haven’t wanted to kill anybody this bad in years! The sick fuck’s still badgering Lisa about her weight. I told her again to speak up and take a stand for herself. Let him know hey, you’re hurting me when you pick on me like that, and if you truly loved me, you’d see me for who I am and not what I look like. What? Does he think he’s Mr. Stud of the Year? Yeah, he probably does.

She says he scares her with his yelling at her but has kept his paws to himself lately. I told her not to worry about being yelled at, but that if he laid a hand on her, she should call the police.

She says he talks about me and it pisses her off. He’s been saying how weird and crazy I am, and like I told Lisa, it’s true to a degree and I’m proud of it.

You know, I just don’t get that sister of mine. According to Lisa, she’s on Lisa’s side one minute, Bill’s the next. Yeah, that’s my contradicting sister for you. But I mean, it’s like someone saying they hate chocolate, yet going out and buying a chocolate candy bar. How can any mother allow a guy like him to come within 50 yards of any of her kids? No court could stop me from putting my kids in danger like that if I had had kids. Even if Bill’s not hurting Lisa physically, he’s hurting her emotionally and he should be locked up, and if not, he should at the very least be forbidden to go near children. He should be doing jail time for all the times he’s hit and cut Lisa down, but if that can’t be, and it can’t be, then he should be ordered to stay away from her from here on out.

God, what are you doing up there? Where are you when people really need you? Some God you are. We can really count on you.

I asked Tom why he married Karen if he wanted kids and knew she didn’t. His answer was that it didn’t matter to him as much back then and that even though it matters more to him now, it’s not a life-or-death situation. He has preferences, but loves me and accepts me as I am. So, he’s saying that even though he wants a kid, he loves me enough to stay with me and not have one. Well, I know without a moment’s doubt that he’d have been a great father if we had had a kid, but I still believe that deep down, he doesn’t want a kid any more than I do, because just like me, he doesn’t want the hassles of it or his time sucked up by it. The only difference between us is that he could’ve handled it. I couldn’t have.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 15, 1998 The Benadryl ended up putting me out from 11 PM - 2 AM. Tom thinks I'll make it to my appointment Thursday, but I don't know. It's cutting it really close. Maybe the nap will help to push my schedule around, but we'll see.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 14, 1998 Unfuckingbelievable! I’m getting hungry again. Already?! Could there be something else going on with me that mimics hunger pangs? Why is it that some days I just cannot fill up? It seems like half the days no amount of food could satisfy me, but why? Why? Why? Why? Why must I always be fated to swap one problem for another? Can I ever be allowed by God to solve a problem and not get a new one in return for it?

Later…

I am officially off my diet now. No more going hungry all the time and eating barely 1000-1200 calories a day. I need more like 2000-3000 a day. I’m older now, so my metabolism and dietary needs have changed. I’m going to eat when I’m hungry and go back to eating what I want when I want, and I’ll let my weight go where it wants to go naturally.

I had Tom put the scale in the garage so I wouldn’t weigh myself so often. He thinks I’ll be less hungry if I don’t weigh myself so much. He thinks weighing myself a lot triggers a psychological response that enhances my hunger. He’s gonna look into simple, non-dairy diet plans, and appetite suppressants, because if there’s something that’ll allow me to continue on with eating healthy, then OK, as long as I’m not hungry all the time. If there’s something that’ll work for me without side effects, fine. That way I can eat healthily and maybe as an added bonus, I can keep my weight where it is. Remember, if I go into the 120s again, it’ll be hard to rock.

Someone tried to call collect today. The only one I can think of is Paula since Lisa’s been calling directly lately on some plan they’ve got.

I called to wish Sarah a happy birthday in the morning before everyone left. Lisa and Tammy get up at 6:00 and Becky and Sarah get up at 7:00. Tammy’s the last one to leave at 8:00.

Tammy’s fine. She’s still with Mark and happy. She, like Andy, asked if I’d talked to Mom and Dad. I gave them both the same answer - I’ll never talk to them again. It’s over. Period. Tammy hasn’t talked to them, either. We’ve both endured many years of being hurt by these people, that’s for sure.

I’ve come to conclude that these people may have never really even loved me. Just take how they’ve dealt with my sterility, for example. That alone tells me something about these people. Back when they knew I wanted a kid and couldn’t have one, they were so insensitive about it. They didn’t give a shit. They felt not one stitch of empathy for what I was going through and they even told me that they didn’t want to hear about it. No one who truly loves you and accepts you as you are treats you that way, whether they’re relatives or not. If having a kid was something that they felt I should have, then that would’ve been different. Only if it’s something they can relate to, that interests them, too, and that has something to offer them.

There’s only one real mom that I’ll always refer to as “mom” and that’s Tom’s mom. She loves me and accepts me as I am and she wants to hear about my bad times, as well as my good. She wants to hear about things that she can’t relate to and that don’t benefit her in any way, as well as just the opposite.

And speaking of that mom, Tom had to break up his sleep to take her to an appointment today that took forever. Mary couldn’t take her because she had her own appointment to go to. Tom says ma’s not doing well at all.

Here goes another fucking allergy attack. At first I was like - it fucking figures that this has to happen right before an appointment so I can’t take Benadryl, but then I said - fuck that shit. I’m taking Benadryl. I’m not gonna suffer from intermittent sneezing fits till I crash. I’m sick of this shit, you know? And once they start, they don’t stop. I have sneezing fits every half hour or so till I fall asleep. So, now I can forget about enjoying a burger and some fries in an hour when Tom gets up.

Today I didn’t just hear next door’s door-slamming spree, I saw it. I heard a door slam, then went and peeked out and saw the trunk and back doors open. I couldn’t see the front doors, though, because they were too deep into the carport.

I’d say that Bill didn’t watch the mistake today at the house. I’d say that the mistake went elsewhere for the day and that Bill brought home both mistake and bitch.

I saw both the bitch and Bill unload the car, and man is that bitch ugly! Great body, ugly face. The bitch took from the backseat what appeared to be the mistake’s shit. Bags for toys and diapers, although I think 3 years old is a little old for diapers. Isn’t it? I don’t know shit about kids, so I couldn’t tell you for sure. Then she slammed the door as if she was pissed. She’s always pissed. Always moving about in a mad, aggressive way. Then Bill, who moves awfully slow and makes me wonder how the hell he can have quick enough reflexes for driving, popped into view. In slow motion, he took a big box out of the trunk, but I couldn’t see what it was. Then the bitch came out and took a few plastic bags out of the trunk that was probably groceries. Then Bill did this. Then he was gone. What? Do they unload groceries and boxes daily? Is that what all the door slamming’s about (besides to piss me off)?

Speaking of things that piss me off - it’s coming up on 10 PM, and the fucking dogs are going off. They’ve been really, really bad the last couple of days.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 13, 1998 Tom and I just screwed, but he was too tired to get on top. That’s OK. That happens sometimes.

I shouldn’t have bragged about how Caddy Kid hasn’t been around, because he’s back, although I don’t know for sure that it’s him. All I know is that someone banged by at 4:30 AM yesterday morning and at 11 PM last night.

Tom and I played with Ratsy on the bed a little while ago. He really likes Tom. Man, does he stink like hell, too!

Later…

Gonna cool down into the upper 90s by next weekend. Getting pretty pleasant for some ball games, huh Joely? Think you can have your gal pals and their mistakes come over and play for me? You know I can’t legally complain about that. I should be able to, though. No one should be allowed to have basketball hoops in their driveways when you’ve got a house as close as 3’ away from you.

For a minute just now, I missed my cigarettes. I miss having the vice, the act of smoking. Now, all I do is drink coffee and pop Tic-Tacs in my mouth. Although Tic-Tacs are only 1½ calories and I have about 50 of them a day, I suppose I should stop the tics. I will when I get the braces off. I’ll have them once a week or so then, then just chew gum. It’s too much of a hassle to chew gum except after eating because I have my braces waxed. So, I only chew gum when I go to take out the wax to eat or brush my teeth.

Tom left for work a couple of hours ago and good fucking riddance! It’s not that I don’t still love him and want to be with him forever, but I just get so sick of him and he tends to bore me at times. It’s nothing new, though - you can’t always communicate with the guy, he takes things the wrong way, instead of speaking up, he makes excuses, the sex has come to be totally boring and cumless for me as well, and I’m sick of having to compete with and live with that fucking TV!

He says he wants to spend time with me, but then why does he sit down in front of the TV instead? He denies this, but he watches hour after hour of TV, then complains he’s tired. Tom’s not a lazy man. He’s on his feet at work and he does a lot of errands but maybe if he walked on the treadmill himself instead of spending so much time just sitting, he’d have more energy to do more things around here. I thought computers were supposed to be his favorite thing. If that’s so, then why is he at the TV 80% of the time he’s here?

I asked him about trimming the tree out front and the hedges that he said he’d do weeks ago and what was his excuse? That he didn’t want to use electrical stuff if it was gonna rain. It was nowhere near raining today. What he really wanted to do was spend it sitting in front of the TV, but he didn’t want to say so, so he used rain as a lame excuse. To me, this is the same as lying and I don’t like it. He uses having to clear out his ma’s house as an excuse for not stopping to get a carry box for White Paws so we can take her to a shelter. But he wasn’t even doing his ma’s house this weekend. And he sure had time to pick up the new phone and mattress pad. As I told him, why not just come out and admit that he doesn’t want to get rid of that cat? He wants that cat, and he’d never admit this part, but I think he enjoys forcing it on me, too. Well, if he can say one thing and do another, so can I. I said I’d feed her. No more. If he wants her fed, he can feed her himself. I don’t make him take care of Ratsy, he doesn’t like rats, so why should I take care of his cat for him? Let him deal with her because I have my own cat I love and take care of. That we love and take care of because it’s a cat that we both want.

We both admitted we misunderstood each other about when he was to pick up orange juice and that it was OK if I took the water pill an hour before I had some orange juice, but then of course he just had to leave the bathroom sink faucet dripping which he knows I don’t like just to spite me. It’s so childish, too, but these are things I no longer confront him with because I know he’ll just deny it. That’s Tom for you - you don’t want to do something or admit to something - deny it. Just deny it. Or make excuses. Want to know what he’d say if I told him, I made comments saying he’s been cumming all along just to see if he’d be honest enough to admit that wasn’t true, but he went right along with me and that’s lying. You know what this bold, but very bad liar would say as a lying excuse? He’d tell me something like, “But you never gave me the chance.” Yes, Tom S would have the bold nerve to use such a lying, obvious, bullshit, lame excuse like that.

They say that if you can lie about one thing, you can lie about other things. I’ve never felt that there was a chance Tom would ever cheat on me. Most guys who were too afraid to get off with their wives would, but he has close to no sex drive at all, so he’s not missing anything with me. It’d be much more convenient for him to just take care of himself if he got that built up. And remember, he says he has wet dreams. It takes an awful lot to build this guy up, he can take care of himself, but what if I’m wrong? What if he’s getting it on with some young, thin, attractive thing that’s on birth control? What about Wendy (since looks really don’t matter all that much to him compared to most of us)? He’s the sanest, smartest, safest man around, but if he can lie and make excuses for the things he has, why not more things? Why not bigger things?

Well, I still doubt Tom S would cheat on me. Whores are a dime a dozen, but Tom S is one in a million. If he did take up with someone else occasionally, it’d be OK, it’s his body, so if it made him happy, OK. If he was a major slut who was stepping out on me left and right, that’d be different, but he’d have to die and come back a whole different person before he’d be that type.

I meant it when I said I was sick of the TV, too. I wake up to the TV, I eat to the TV, etc. Everything I do, I do to the sound of the TV and it gets really fucking old.

Unbelievably, I only have three more journals left to proofread.

Later…

It is so very dark outside right now. The sky’s moonless and cloudless.

The bitch is in bed next door. Gotta get up early. Tom said it was quiet today and that Bill was over there. What? Does this spoiled bitch not only have her poor dad mistake-sitting, but mistake-sitting when she goes out with her stuck-up girlfriends, too?

There are so many things my mind has accepted that are in the past. I’ve gotten over them and basically just put them in the past where they belong and gotten on with life. But it really bothers me that I can’t do that with my anger. It’s like I accept the fact that certain family members have wronged me and are not good people, but I can’t always let go of the anger that goes with all this. I’m not hurt, I’m not sorry, I’m not even regretful, I’m just angry. Not so much with family, as with other people, though. Mostly past and present neighbors.

For the first time in my 32 years, I’ve dealt with my parents and brother the proper way and the way I should’ve years ago. I spoke out and up to these people, then I let them go. So my anger’s been fused for the most part with them. It’s the people I never dealt with correctly that are pissing me off.

Take that bitch next door for example. I never should’ve let her get one word out to me. She had nothing to say to me. Nothing that could benefit the situation. I should’ve grabbed that bitch, clamped a hand to her mouth, and given her three ultimatums. To either walk away peacefully and get rid of the dog and music. Or to walk away peacefully and not get rid of the dog and music and have me get her evicted, or at least rid of the dog and music. Or to say another word and get her ass kicked by me right then and there. She was the problem. She and her boy toy. I did nothing wrong. How dare she come to this door telling me to shut up when it’s she and her associates that have disrupted my life. I don’t know why I let her scream at me. Maybe I was subconsciously afraid that if I did beat her ass she’d have someone come and shoot me and poor Tom, too. Well, lucky for her if she never comes to this door again, because she wouldn’t get a word out of that fat black mouth of hers, and you know what? There’d be no words coming out of my mouth, either. I’d just do what I had to do.

I think back to people like Mary D and ask myself why I didn’t push to fight harder. Why didn’t I try harder to fight her better? Why didn’t I set Hank’s ass straight the moment he stepped out of line on me? Why didn’t I fix his poor drunk ass? He was getting up there in age. I could’ve set him easily straight. Now because I didn’t, I’m left with the anger of what I didn’t finish and of what I didn’t do that I should’ve done. Maybe some other 21-year-old girl, who’s the naïve little sucker I was, is having to listen to his mouth. Maybe this girl wouldn’t have to put up with him if I’d dealt with him, because maybe if I had taken care of him, he’d now be too afraid to step out of line again.

I can think of a lot of people that pushed me around and it really angers me, infuriates me, to know that I never even tried to set these people straight. Yes, some of them would’ve kicked my ass and hurt me for it, but in a sense, it would’ve been worth it, because I would’ve at least tried to get them off my ass in the first place. Not all of these people could’ve hurt me if I’d nailed their asses. Most of them would’ve been no match for me and most of them would not have friends that would’ve shot me for it, either.

Barbara, at the NHA, had a lot of sick friends. Her sick friends would probably have gang-beaten me if I had done anything to Barbara, but maybe they wouldn’t have. Maybe Barbara would’ve kicked my ass if I tried to lay a hand on her, maybe not. I never even tried. I could never have known for sure what would’ve happened because I never even tried. There are some things we know in advance, then there are some things that we just can’t know for sure, till we do it.

OK, it’s just past 10:30 here, so why are the dogs barking? One of them is. Yes, one’s worse than the other. Again, how can this bitch sleep through that?! That dog is right outside her bedroom window for God’s sake! If she stuck her arm out the window, she could practically reach out and touch the fucking dog. She can sleep through this shit, though.

Andy gave me Michelle’s number and said she likes Mary and all those computer voices, so I can feel free to leave her messages with those voices. She’ll be out during regular business hours. My schedule’s a little off for that right now, but as soon as I’m up when she’s at work, I’ll leave her a few messages.

Later…

Where oh where is this ferocious appetite coming from?! I’ve been up for just six hours and since then I’ve had a TV dinner and a can of bean soup, and I’m still starving. Fuck! Is there ever an end to all this fucking hunger? I swear, it’s either be fat and full, or thin and hungry. Although technically, I’m far from thin. Maybe I should’ve just stayed on the cigarettes and not changed my eating habits. Here I am eating healthier and less than I have in a long time, and I gave up my 220-calorie granola bars, but yet I’m a blimp. If I could get my hands on an appetite suppressant that works and that wouldn’t cause me to wake up just a few hours after falling asleep, then maybe I could discipline myself and stick to this diet better, but since I’ve got this constant hunger, I can’t. There’s no in-between here and there’s no being thin and not hungry all time. Not anymore there isn’t. I need to eat at least once an hour, and I need solid foods. Not foods that are like air like popcorn and salad which don’t do shit for me and which leave me starving. I’m seriously contemplating eating when I’m hungry and letting myself get as fat as I’m going to get.

Later…

Just had a hot dog and now I’m making another TV dinner. I’m up to 118 pounds, too, but you know what? I don’t give a shit. I just don’t give a shit anymore. All this slavery over just a few pounds lost? Fuck that shit!

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 12, 1998 Shit! It’s the weekend. What else is new? At least I get more time with Tom. So, weekends are both good and bad.

Just caught Marla online and said hello. She said she’s tired, as usual, but will be in touch. The poor woman has no life between her boys and her job. Never even got the chance to tell me about jury duty.

I had Tom pick me up something new at the grocery store today. Feminine spray instead of powder. The spray is easier to use and it works really well so far at keeping me dry.

I wonder how Lisa’s doing. Hope we can chat soon. Also, hope Tammy’s not using her too much. As Lisa herself said, she doesn’t mind helping her mom out when she goes to work or to be with Mark by cleaning and babysitting, but sometimes her mom really uses her to be her housekeeper/babysitter. She used to do the same thing to me when we lived in Longmeadow. Especially with the housekeeping.

Later…

Tom picked up a few new things today. A skinny microphone on a stand that’s about 10” high in case we want to record whatever. A new mattress pad that may bunch up just as much as the other one does. And a new speakerphone with Caller ID built into it for the back room.

Soon I’m gonna get on with the last of my proofreading. I started up with that again last night and had Mary read to me.

I also condensed the backup floppy disks of my journals and a few other doc files. Instead of having, for example, a disk for all the Oswego Street journals, a disk for all the Woodside Terrace journals, a disk for all the Elm Street journals, and a disk for the Norwich journals, I put them all on one disk and now I have an “east” floppy. I pretty much cut my disks in half and have six disks now.

I think another thing I might do tonight is redo my color themes. I wasn’t happy with the way they came out the last time. Tom’s only making a screensaver and wallpaper changer. Not color theme changers, but that’s OK. I can set the themes myself and change them weekly.

Our lisping freeloader bitch that pronounces the word music as “muthic” has been a good girl today. Most of that was according to Tom since I didn’t get up till 4 PM.

I have mixed emotions about that security light being dead. Can’t believe she didn’t replace that bulb yet! It’s obnoxious as all hell when I’m trying to relax to music. I like to listen to music in the dark. It’s more relaxing that way. There’s nothing I can do about daylight, but I hated it when it’d be nice and peacefully dark at night, then that fucking thing would blare on every other 5 minutes. On the other hand, when someone would come or go at night, it’d let me see the car better since it’s activated by motion.

Been lucky in the shit department. I shit three days in a row. Lucky me.

It’s really beginning to make its transition from summer to fall here (of course our falls and springs don’t last long at all here). The pool is starting to cool down and the bees are starting to die off.

Later…

Maybe being bad once a week and having a cheeseburger and fries on Saturdays isn’t such a good idea. At the end of my day yesterday, right before I had the burger and fries, I was 115 pounds. I would’ve been 117 pounds if I hadn’t shit. Today, though, it’s not quite the end of my day, I’ve shit, and am 117 pounds. But I do deserve a break and a treat once a week, so I’ll probably keep treating myself once a week. I love how it kept me full for hours. When I’m dieting, though, right after I eat my salad, or my measly TV dinner, or toast, or popcorn, I’m still starving and if I’m satisfied, it’s only for an hour.

I had some spots earlier. What? Am I in for another early period? It isn’t due for another week.

I tested out the new phone and called Andy and oh my God! On and on and on he went. I couldn’t even get a word in edgewise, and when I could, he’d cut me off. Never was he like this back east. He was so quiet. I’d always feel like I was rambling on and on while he was quiet. He was quiet because he was uncomfortable with my rambling. Especially since my rambling back then was about what his rambling today is about. He had the same problems back then - he was broke, sexless, loveless, etc., but back then he didn’t really bitch about it and all hell would break loose if you did. Now, though, he’s more tolerant of listening to people’s troubles and he sure is a major talker. Still, I listen to Andy bitch, and as I told him, I’ll listen to him all he needs to bitch because I know what it’s like. At least he has someone to bitch to. Back when I always had something to bitch about, I didn’t have that. Not for the most part, anyway. No one wanted to hear it, or no one was there at all that I could turn to in the first place. I was on my own. All alone. My therapist was pretty much the only one who listened to me.

Anyway, I told him that now that we have Caller ID in the back room and the living room, he can just go ahead and call anytime, any day. This way, it won’t be such a hassle if I’m busy in the back room and don’t want to be bothered but can still see who it is. I also told him that the same rule would apply, though. Most of the time I’ll either be asleep or just not in the mood to talk. I’ll still chat live with him about once a week.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 11, 1998 No blue car visiting the bitch last night.

I’m doing some laundry right now, then it’s off to shower, wash my hair, and shave.

Tom crashed a little while ago and plans to get up towards the middle of my day (I got up at 3 PM) so we can have our Friday fun.

Later…

Blue car’s visiting the bitch right now.

Boy, am I gonna have to make up for the peace I’ve had over the last several months. Not even Caddy Kid has been by in a while. I don’t have any bad vibes in particular for the winter, but I know how it works with me and with most people; we must be compensated and we must pay for life’s blessings. If there’s no trouble with music and I don’t have to have them evicted, then I expect there’ll at least be several ball games. The neighborhood kids, including the Lopez’s, will play ball regularly. I’m sure that on weekends, the bitch’s gal pals will bring their mistakes over to play for me, too. I’m sure these mistakes will want to play ball on their own, but I’m also sure that they’ll be coaxed into it, too.

Thank God this bitch can’t have a pool put in.

Speaking of our infamous bitch, it just left in the blue car, but I couldn’t see who the driver was because I didn’t want to be seen. The bitch looked right at me, too. And that’s not the first time, she seemed to be looking right at me, either. It’s more like the third or fourth. At first I said to myself, I don’t care if they see me. I have a right to look at my window at anything I want, but then I said, nah. The purpose of spying is to be undercover. Also, if they saw you, then did something to the house for it, you know you’ll go over there and beat them beyond recognition, and you don’t need to go to jail or put yourself or Tom through any stress. Remember, these people are crazy. And if I did anything to them, no matter how much they deserved it, these sick fucks could gun me down. There’d be no defending myself against bullets.

This bitch really gets around, huh? So what will its weekend company be this time around? The dark blue car? The light blue car? The white car? Oh, definitely the white car. It seems to be the most prominent visitor around lately. Will it be cool enough for the mistakes to play ball? I kind of think it could be 120º and they’d still play ball if they really wanted to.

Later…

Haven’t seen Mama Cat around in ages. I don’t miss her, either. Daddy Cat still comes around here and there. It’s getting hard to tell Blackie and daddy cat apart, but daddy cat has long fur.

Woke up at 113 pounds Wednesday, 114 pounds yesterday, and 113 pounds today. At the end of the day, I jump up as high as 117 pounds. I knew I would, though, because weighing under 115 pounds is still new and completely foreign to my body. Guess I was right when I foresaw 118 pounds becoming a thing of the past. Not that I may not get up to that a few more times before I sink even lower. And remember, Vegas is gonna set me back. If I go to Vegas at 115 pounds, I can count on coming back at 120-124 pounds. My measurements just don’t go with my weight. At 115 pounds, I have a 29” waist, yet when I was around this same weight in 1986 I had a 26” waist. You definitely don’t look the same at certain weights at different ages. If I ever got back down to 100 pounds again, I wouldn’t look like I did the last time I weighed 100 pounds. I’d be an inch or two bigger.

Later…

I was watching a case of incest on Trial Story on Court TV. There were two daughters and one stepson charging their father with raping them 20 years earlier. The father ended up convicted. It was a jury of six women, though. Had it been men, he’d have gotten off.

I could sort of relate to what the victims were saying, even though the abuse I went through was emotional and physical. You can’t ever have your childhood back and you can never forget. Two of these three victims still love their father, too. How do I feel about my folks? Nothing. Just dead nothing. No love, no like, no hate. Like these victims said - they’re a closed chapter in my life. They were people I once knew, I had many more bad times with them than good, and now they’re in my past and I’m getting on with life.

I feel bad for these people, though. Just like with me, their childhood has affected their adult life, and when it’s not, you’re so busy struggling and working hard to keep it from affecting your adult life.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 10, 1998 I don't believe it. Bill actually got in his car, shut the door once, then left. No 15-minute door-slamming spree leading up to the big leave. Meanwhile, the cock's on the street. Just brought its bitch back, and if things go as they did the last couple of evenings, the dark blue car will be here to visit the bitch for a few hours.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 9, 1998 Last early evening, we noticed that dark blue car parked next door as we were on our way out to pick up some videos. On our way back we went by their place and they had their front door open. God, these freeloaders really don’t mind the heat, huh? Bet they never run the AC. Bet they have the cooler on even when it’s humid out. Anyway, I thought I could make out an adult male blackie and a male child blackie of about 8 years of age sitting on a couch that faces their front door. Our front door faces the street. Theirs faces away from our house. You can’t see it from the street. It’s sideways.

The blue car’s here again tonight.

The original freeloader cock’s gray car was parked on the street earlier. Guess instead of bringing the mistake to daycare, or taking care of it all day itself, the cock now brings its bitch back at the end of the day.

You know, I’m surprised this bitch doesn’t have her own car. I mean, why not? She’s broken just about every other rule there is when it comes to welfare/subsidized.

The door slamming earlier was just like old times. I don’t know what the fuck Bill’s doing and why he has to slam a door every 5 minutes for 15 minutes upon coming and going, but it’s pissing me off. It’s really pissing me off.

Later…

Boy, this is a long visit from the blue car. I can tell when a car comes/goes from the freeloaders when listening to music at night. The headlights shine in in a way that I know is next door and not a car going down the street.

It’s taking an effort to push myself to write. I have a slight cold. It’s about the mildest cold I’ve ever had, though, and most of the time I’m not even aware of it. Tom’s going through the same thing right now. No wonder I’ve been sluggish. I had to have two meals yesterday and today to help boost my energy. I feel it in my voice too, and my voice doesn’t seem to be able to go below a middle E. My music sounds funny, too.

Unbelievably, there were no unavailable calls yesterday. There was only one today, but they hung up as soon as I picked up.

Typed up letters to Tammy and the girls. Yeah, I send them letters every now and then, since they don’t seem to want to do letters electronically.

Got 5 videos yesterday. Didn’t see that gorgeous girl there this time. Three of the movies I liked, one I didn’t, and one I discovered I’ve seen already.

Now for my best news of all. I woke up at 113 pounds!!

Later…

The wind chimes are so pretty when it’s windy.

Shortly after 9:00, the blue car left.

When I was chasing White Paws to the side of the house, I noticed something. There was a block wall in a part of the garage that Tom took down. He put the blocks at the side of the house. I noticed that about 5 of them were broken. There were broken pieces of these blocks. I wonder - could it be the freeloader’s doing? Well, if it is, more power to them. What the fuck do we care about some lousy bricks? Ain’t no loss to us.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 8, 1998 I’m kind of tired today. I don’t think I slept quite 8 hours, but I’ll live.

When I got up at 9 AM, I found Tom asleep on the couch. I sent him into bed and on his way there, he said he left me a message explaining why he slept on the couch. He said that after my having a stressful day yesterday not knowing what to expect from next door, and since he’s really tired and will probably snore like hell, he’d give us a break while we were doing so well and sleep on the couch. That’s fine, as long as he doesn’t decide for me too much. I can decide what’d be best for me just fine. I want him to worry about himself more often.

Bill’s next door babysitting the mistake.

I made the window that this word processor is in smaller, so I can see the wallpaper changing behind it. It’s pretty cool.

I guess Tom and I are gonna go to the video store later. I don’t know for sure.

Some skanky Mexicans are doing the freeloaders’ yard and the yard across the street.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking of this fertility testing thing and all that. No, I do not want a child by any means as I used to. And it’s not so much the curiosity that’s an issue for me, either. It’s the right to choose that’s the issue. It’s kind of like the way I see abortion. First and foremost, people should be responsible and use birth control if they don’t want a kid or aren’t suitable for handling one, but since they don’t, at least a woman has a right to choose. It’s her body, her life.

I should’ve been born with just as much right as any other woman, but no, I never was born with a full bag of rights now, was I? It should’ve been up to me to say yes to a child like I would’ve been foolish enough to when I first met Tom up till about a year ago. And now it should be my right to say, nah. I don’t want a child. I like life too much and it’s something I could never handle. So, what kind of birth control should I use? The rhythm method? The rhythm method with rubbers used during mid-cycle? Rubbers all the time? Pills? IUDs? An injection?

Yes, it’s nice having a built-in, hassle-free birth control system, but still, it’s taking away my right to choose. I’ve been telling myself I don’t deserve the right to choose, because if I did, God would’ve given it to me in the first place, but that’s not true! That’s just not true! Yes, he feels I shouldn’t have the right to choose because he obviously doesn’t trust what my decision would’ve been a year ago, and yes, he’s looking out for me, but I am no less deserving than any other woman out there. I did nothing wrong to deserve to not have a right to choose just like any other woman. I do deserve to exercise my full rights as a woman. As a human being. If I had kicked some woman in the stomach and sterilized her and taken away her right to choose, then yes, I should have mine taken away too. If I had killed a child, then you bet I should be stripped of my reproduction rights, and I’d totally deserve it.

I try to tell myself, God was just doing the right thing and looking out for you by taking away your right to choose, because you know you’d have let yourself conceive if you could’ve, and therefore, you’d have gotten yourself into something you don’t have the physical or mental strength to endure, and you’d have either ended up dead or in jail for killing the poor, innocent child.

It’s not that easy, though. It’s just not that easy. Whether or not I choose to get into something I can or can’t handle should be my choice. Not God’s. It’s my problem if I bite off more than I can chew. I’m sick and tired of having God, fate, or whatever the fuck you want to call it, decide almost everything for me. Don’t I have some say in my destiny? First I couldn’t be the singer I wanted to be, then I couldn’t have the woman I wanted, then I couldn’t be a mother. Can Jodi be anything Jodi says she wants to be? Don’t get me wrong, a lot of the unplanned surprises I’ve received in my life have been wonderful and I wouldn’t trade them in for the world, but when does Jodi get to pick her destiny? See, I’m OK with not being able to move right now as much as we’d both love to. That’s because I know the choice is ours. We can choose to move, we have chosen to move, and when we can, we will move. If God fixed it so we had no choice but to stay in this house forever, then I’d be pissed. That would be wrong of him.

I guess it’s just a matter of opinion and where we each stand as individuals on different people and different situations. It’s easy to sit and listen to an infertile woman, regardless of her marital status or her financial status, that’s stable and able to handle a child, bitch about how she never got the right to choose, and that if having a kid was a mistake, it would’ve and should’ve been hers to make. But it’s not so easy to sit and listen to a 14-year-old who just had a kid say, hey! I made a mistake, but it was mine to make. That’s just not acceptable. It doesn’t cut it.

It’s not so much that I fear something up there would get me for going against its decision that I be sterile by going to a fertility clinic. It’s Tom. He’s just gonna keep on going along with my statements as to how normal our sex is, and he’s gonna both consciously and subconsciously fuck things up for me if I were to literally get off my ass and go try to seek some answers/rights. Normal? Our sex isn’t normal. It’s improved and I like it just fine the way it is, but even so, it’s not normal. We’re still managing to screw twice a week with him going inside me with no resistance, which is all good and normal, but he hasn’t cum in ages and I doubt he ever will again. Now, he’s welcome to never cum again if that’d make him happy, but that’s still not normal.

Maybe his refusal to cum wouldn’t be an issue, but I don’t know for sure. If they just started by testing me and found that the problem truly was with me, then he wouldn’t need testing, not that he would’ve gladly handed over a squirt of his cum in the first place. If they wanted to test us both at once, then I’m the only one they could test, since he wouldn’t cooperate. I asked him a long time ago and he says he would cooperate, but I’ve heard him say one thing and then do another enough times to know better.

Something tells me to keep my mouth shut, though. I don’t know why. I just know that at least for now, I must never make it known to Tom that I know he really hasn’t cum. Again, I don’t know why. It’s just instinct. I’m also curious to see how far he’ll take this lying about the cumming, too. I suppose it should worry me and make me wonder what else he could lie about, but it doesn’t. In his mind, he doesn’t need to lie about anything else, although if Kim came to visit, he’d have that jealousy all over again, and would lie and try to convince me that we ruined his life, made him oh so miserable, and nearly killed him.

The good thing about all this is, is that it’s not gonna affect my life in any bad way, hold me back, or keep me bitter forever. I’m very happy with my life despite my lack of right to choose and all that. I love my life and look forward to spending the rest of it with my husband and moving. I’ll probably never be thin again and we’ll probably never have an above-average income, but as long as we’re healthy and happy, that’s what counts. I thank God, or whatever may have had a part in the fact that I’ve never been more content with my life than I am now. I don’t miss the fits of rage that used to eat at me, nor do I miss the crying spells I went through. I hope to hell I never return to wanting a kid. That was really depressing, wanting something natural like that that I could never have.

Anyway, if I were to look at the whole thing from a rational, logical, realistic, practical point of view, I should forget about seeing any doctor about my so-called right to choose. There is no right to choose for me. I know they’d either not be able to tell me what was wrong, or that they’d tell me I was unfixable. I know I cannot be fixed. The purpose of being predestined to sterility is so you can never be fixed. The choice was taken away from me before I was even born.

Woke up at the usual 115 pounds, although Saturday’s treat and yesterday’s 400-calorie slice of pound cake, did catch up to me. I weighed 118½ pounds, but then after a water pill, I was 117 pounds, then 115 pounds when I got up. I’m gonna gain soooooo much weight in Vegas!

I finally shot some pictures of Ratsy. I hope they come out good.

From what it looks like after I just did a check, Tom hasn’t cum since around April 1st. Damn! That’s a long time. But actually, he has cum. Just not by me. Well, he knows I’m serious about not wanting a kid (along with the fears he’s always had) and won’t take any chances no matter how sure he is that I’m sterile. What a man, though! How many women could get such a wonderful man like that? One who’s willing to make such a sacrifice for her, and who could still be happy? I know he’ll never stray. He’ll always love me and me only, and if sacrificing orgasms for me is what he feels he should do, he’ll do it. He’d jump off a bridge for me, he loves me that much. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for him, either, if I could.

Later…

Just got done relieving myself with a nice stimulating, yet relaxing orgasm with my vibrator. Yeah, my appetite’s come back. Tom’s not the only one that’s not getting off when we screw. He just can’t be available to get me off the 2-3 times a day I need to get off, and he can’t get me off in the way that I can. I know it sounds mean, but right now, I feel as if I may never get off again with him. There’s just no thrill in it for me anymore, as much as I love him. I wonder if his not getting off goes beyond pregnancy fears. He’s said otherwise, but could he really be sick of me and not turned on by me anymore? I don’t look like I did when we first met, yet he swears to be just as attracted to me. Well, I guess it doesn’t matter because he said that sex is a mental thing for him and that he’s not turned on by what he sees with his eyes.

I dig what someone said in a movie I saw last night. They said, “Sometimes sex is better with people in your head, than with people in your bed.”

I think this is true!

I can’t believe this. How utterly great. It’s already just past 4:00 and no unavailable calls. Maybe letting them have it was the answer after all. At first, it made them all the more determined to get at me, not surprisingly, but maybe they got sick of being told off and maybe they’ll fuck off at least if only for a while.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 7, 1998 Although my vibe isn’t that bad right now, it’s still a bit early. If the freeloaders are gonna party, it’s gonna be closer towards the middle or late afternoon.

Later…

So far so good. My guess is that no one’s home right now. If she’d been home all day, then there’d have been a million cars coming and going all day. Probably to deliver the bitch’s drugs to her. It’s still early, though, and plenty of partying time left. Last year, they didn’t start their antics till 6:30 and they didn’t quit till 9:30.

Later…

I don’t believe it. I just don’t believe it! Miss Bitch was a good girl. Not a peep from over there. I was right about her being out all day. Bill brought her in around 5:00, and it’s been quiet ever since. Is it compliments of the cock being out of the picture that called for their first quiet Labor Day here? Or the city letters? Something else? Personally, I think it’s because the cock’s not around. They know they can party and annoy me in ways I couldn’t complain about. I can’t complain about ballgames and door slams.

That I know of, there’s only been music 3 different times, each for no more than a few minutes, since May 30th, and no parties since Easter.

Tom says there’s a new dumpster out back in its usual spot. That’s nice. This usual spot is just over the wall beyond the pool. Before, when it was gone, you had to walk either two houses left or right to get to a dumpster.

I love the proposal Tom made to me earlier. I don’t know if he’s serious, but we just might set up a little surveillance camera and train it on the freeloader’s driveway. He has an old black and white camera and said he can drill a little hole in the outside storage room and put it there. That’d be cool, but like I said, who knows if he’ll really do it?

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 6, 1998 Again we slept together. I think he might’ve woken me up once when I was just knocking off, but so far, it’s going great. What did wake me up was the thunder from the storm at 7:30 this morning. As Tom pointed out, it’s making its transition from monsoon storms to fall storms, which are slower-moving, and come at any time during the day/night. Why couldn’t it pour viciously from about 2 PM on Monday, till about 9 PM?! Not a chance. Not a chance.

Congrats to the bitch next door! It actually went somewhere else two days in a row. It amazingly didn’t get back till approx. 10 PM last night. Can it do it again today and tomorrow? No chance, unfortunately. Well bitch, how bad do you want to stay here?

Anyway, today’s one of those yucky, dreary, damp days where you just want to stay in bed, but it’ll dry up and the sun will be out come prime bitch time this early afternoon.

Got two questions and one favor asked by Andy this last week. I already told you that he wanted me to teach him to type, but he’s gonna use the college typewriter. A few days ago he asked me how to ask, “What is your address?” in Spanish, which I told him. This time, he wanted to know how to ask are you cut? and are you uncut? As I told him, I don’t know slang. Even if I knew the word for cut, which I didn’t off the top of my head, they still may not know what the hell he’s saying.

How can Michelle afford to be so big? This I don’t get. It takes a tremendous amount of food to blow a body up like that. On the other hand, it wouldn’t take much food for me to get big. Not that big, though. It wouldn’t even take the average daily food intake to put me between the mid-120s - 150s. And this girl is no 150-pounder. She’s more like 250 pounds. So, when she had to move out of Andy’s because she was all broke, how was she affording to feed herself so much? You have to eat huge quantities all day and night long to get that big.

Andy’s told me that Laura has her own little built-in birth control system too, and we were talking about how many people don’t feel it’ll happen to them. Yeah, I know there have been couples who tried for years to conceive and couldn’t, then one day they did, but that really does only happen to other couples in my case, and in some women’s cases, thank God.

Later…

As I knew it would, the weather’s drying up nicely and the sun’s poking through.

The first of many vehicles just made it in next door. All I heard was one car door, then I looked out and saw a white car pulling out. Is the bitch in this car? Or did the white car just come to see the bitch? If the bitch has gone out, when will it be back? How many more cars are gonna show up over there today?

Woke up at 115 pounds, but today I’m gonna take a day off from the slavery that goes into keeping my weight at 115-117 pounds to have some KFC.

Later…

Right after I said the sun was poking through, it clouded up again, rained a bit, and thundered loudly for a while again. Guess it’s been cloudy all day.

At noon Tom went to Jack-n-the-Box for us both. I decided that once a week I’d be bad, so I had a cheeseburger, a large order of fries, and a cappuccino milkshake. Here’s the shocking part - I only gained half a pound from it! A half a pound! I thought this treat would put me up to 120 pounds for sure, rather than the usual 117 pounds I seem to end up at lately.

Not too long after I ate, I crashed till 4:00. When I got up, two recliners were here. Mary and Dave brought over two recliners. One’s got a massager in it like the living room one does, the other doesn’t. The massage one’s in the bedroom, the other’s in the music room. I didn’t see Mary and Dave, though. They just dropped the chairs off out back.

Pleasantly enough, there’s been no shit from the freeloader. Tom said the bitch has got her recycle bin out in the middle of the carport. Neither of us has seen any more vehicles come or go since I said I saw that white car just before 11:00 this morning. Now hopefully she can stay out till tonight, then do it all again tomorrow, but fat chance.

Yes, very fat chance, because guess what? It’s back now. The same white car that I saw earlier is there, but I don’t have a party vibe for tonight. What do I vibe for tomorrow? It’s weird because I have both a negative vibe, but then I don’t. We’ll just have to wait and see what happens, but tonight should be clear. It’s cloudy and it’s thundering again. If they’re that determined to party, they will, and storms won’t stop them, but I think they prefer it to be hot and sunny. Anyway, I wouldn’t put it past that bitch to party tomorrow, because even though the cock’s not living there right now, she’s partied every Labor Day she’s been here, but like I said before, she didn’t have city complaints either. So, I guess if you really think about it, tomorrow could go either way.

Later…

The white car’s doing what all cars next door love to do - slamming its doors periodically but not going anywhere. When I peeked out, I saw the bitch, then I saw the animal running in circles around the driveway and screaming. That thing looks like such a freak. I mean a total clown! Its hair is done up in braids. Sort of like Bo Derek, only a pitiful version of that. I’d be so embarrassed if I were that kid.

Looks like the white car’s left now.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 5, 1998 Well, our little freeloaders haven’t been downright naughty yet, but they’ve been annoying. And by the way, it’s our one-year anniversary since we had our little immature screaming match on my doorstep, too.

First of all, the bitch actually went somewhere else last night and today. Does she have to make such a door-slamming spectacle of it, though? Of course! The bitch got in last night at 11:30 and I saw two people head into the house for the night. Was this other person the teenage boy?

At around noon, the first of the door-slamming pals came. I guess something’s going on between her and her cronies somewhere. There were 2 or 3 cars here earlier. Can you believe that many cars came to pick up this bitch? An 8-10-year-old black boy started to play ball, but to my utter amazement, it only played for a sec. At first I thought, well, well, she does have to work Monday, so she’s having her party today. Then all the cars left.

At 1:15 I heard bass for about two minutes, and I swear! I’m gonna blast these mother-fuckers right back if this wasn’t just one of the occasional outbursts they’ve been having these days. It was a dark car that we’d never seen before. Tom thinks it was someone new in the group that came to see if she’d left yet. Well, this bitch better break the new kid on the block in on the rules around here real damn fast, or she’ll be sorry. Anyway, the dark car was only here for a couple of minutes. Tom says it’s no doubt someone new and she’s not there to know about the music. Well, this is only the third music outburst in months, I’ll admit, but it better be a very rare occurrence if they want to stay here.

It’s gonna be a door-slamming nightmare around here when they get back, and God only knows what music and ball games I’m in for. We’re talking 3-5 carloads of this bitch’s associates and their kids. If they’re coming and going like this on a Saturday, Monday’s gonna be hell. Let it be, though, because that’s all the more hell it’s gonna be for them. If they give me 10% hell, I’ll give them 100% hell back. Trust me.

The problem with these sick fucks is that they can slam doors, but not go anywhere. Can these people ever just get in a car and leave? Do they have to make such a door-slamming spectacle out of it first? Well, of course they do. Anything to be heard and noticed by me.

Later…

The 5 carloads of freeloaders haven’t returned yet. With my luck, they’ll come in while there’s still enough light out for ball games. I kind of feel them coming in at around 3:00 - 4:00.

Tom says it’s common out west for several relatives/friends to go to a house in several cars. He says out west, more people have cars because it’s spread out here. In the East, things are more centralized. I’d still like to know why it took 5 cars to come and get that bitch. Can’t just one car pull up, then can’t the bitch just open the door once, then get in, close the door, then leave?

Tom’s now at Ma’s house doing some tree trimming.

As a surprise (ma doesn’t know it yet) Johnny’s gonna be getting her one of those recliners that tilt to help people who can’t get up so easily. Guess we’re gonna be getting her old recliner. Another massage one like the one we have in the living room. I’ll throw it in the bedroom. God only knows there’s plenty of room in that big bedroom.

As for some better news, Tom came into bed after I was asleep and got up before I woke up and I never felt or heard a thing!

Later…

Wow! It’s 6:15 and the freeloaders aren’t back yet. Yeah well, stay out another hour or so, you stupid fucks, because then it’ll be rather difficult to see to shoot baskets in the dark.

Later…

Still not back yet. How shocking.

I went to bed at 115 pounds last night and woke up at 115 pounds, too. Now, I haven’t woken up at the same weight I went to bed at in ages. Yup. Something doesn’t want me under 115 pounds. Well, if this is it, and if I’m gonna bounce between 115-117 pounds for a while - fine. Although, Vegas is gonna put me back into the mid-120s. The question is, though, will it take me 8-9 months to get back to where I’m at now? What’s also helping to keep my weight between 115-117 pounds, of course, is the shitting only every other day. At least I’m regular, if not as frequently as I’d like.

Tom brought out the old, big washer and we washed the comforter. I’ll do it again around the New Year. Every 3 months I try to do it.

I’ve had fun testing out the new wallpaper changer program he wrote. So far, so good. I’ve got a mix of family pictures, journal covers, and pictures of Gloria and Norah.

Tom surprised me with yesterday’s sex. He did and he didn’t. I was surprised he let himself in there, but not surprised he didn’t cum. He seemed to be really close, though, then it seemed the room temperature went up 20º. He was sweating like hell. Unless he felt the need to act and act very well, I think he might’ve let go in cooler circumstances.

I’ve played Gloria’s new CD and have gotten to know more of it. Some songs kind of grow on me. Now there’s a total of 3 songs I like on Gloria’s new CD, but a total of 5 tracks I play. A couple of the songs have remixes of the same songs on other tracks. I like Don’t Release Me, and I Just Wanna Be Happy, but Feelin’ is my favorite. There’s a Spanish ballad I’d like to learn so I can sing it. Some of her songs aren’t great, but it’s how good they sound on my stereo! She uses state-of-the-art equipment, too, but my God! I could never imagine going back to my old stereo. I always used to say that as long as I could hear my music, and hear it loud, sound quality was not so important, but it is now.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 4, 1998 The sun’s finally poking out. When I got up at 9:00, it was drizzling and very cloudy. The pool temp has really gone down. Hopefully, this notorious bee season is just about over. There are bees all year round here, but not like in the summer.

I think I may have found horoscopes to finish off journal 159 with that aren’t so work-related.

Woke up at 115 pounds, and shit twice. What? Am I gonna shit twice every other day, instead of once a day? Anyway, I’ll be between 115-118 pounds indefinitely.

Later…

Fuck! It’s gonna warm up and dry up over the holiday weekend. The weather will be perfect for a certain pack of assholes to make fools of themselves. It doesn’t matter, though. Even if it were pouring out, they’d still do their shit on Monday. Storms wouldn’t even stop them.

Later…

I just realized something. This is a serious long shot, but whatever it is that that bitch is doing during the weekdays, is something it wasn’t doing a year ago. So maybe, just maybe, she’s one of the ones that have to work on Labor Day. I highly doubt it, though, and even if she did, she gets home at 4:00-5:00. That still leaves a few good hours for partying. Even if she had to be gone from Monday morning to late Monday night, she’d just move her little party to Saturday or Sunday.

Later…

Tom just got in and we bought a couple of pay-per-view movies off the Direct TV.

I also had him put the handle back on the music room window. These old, shitty windows don’t slide up and down. You wind the handle to push them outward. However, we couldn’t lay the soundproof panels on the narrow windowsill with the handle there, so Tom had taken it off. Now come Monday, I can really join the party next door and give them a taste of their own medicine by blaring some music out the window. The only problem with that, though, is that Tom will be here, and he’ll be thoroughly against it. He doesn’t believe in fighting back by giving what you get. Well, if I don’t blast them out during their Monday party, I’ll just get them in the middle of the night.

Later…

Tom got me a few bags of different salad mixes. Some have just lettuce, some have lettuce, carrots, and cabbage slivers, and some have broccoli, cauliflower, and carrots. The broccoli and cauliflower are great. I love the broccoli heated up with melted butter, and I love the cauliflower dunked in ranch dressing.

I am not looking forward to tonight. I know I’m in for some serious game-playing due to a certain someone who loves to tease and who has deep-seated fears. The way he was acting earlier was a dead giveaway as to what the sex will be like tonight.

Yeah, you guessed it. I’m mid-cycle.

Now, I know I don’t have to pray to God to do right by me when it comes to a kid. I don’t have to beg him to make sure I don’t conceive. It’s a done deal. What I have to pray for, though, is for God to help Tom get over his fears and his need to play games. Well, maybe I’ll just wish I could pray for this because I know doing so will never do a bit of good. Only Tom, with God’s allowing it, can change his ways.

Nonetheless, just the unusually high amount of talk about how I’m so gorgeous (which is a lame attempt on his part to cover for the truth - his love of teasing me/his baby fears), along with certain comments and attitudes, tells me that he’s more than likely gonna refuse to go inside me tonight. I’ll bet you anything that this will be one of the times he’s in the bathroom for a while before we get together. He doesn’t always go to the bathroom before sex, but he usually does. If he does tonight, though, that’ll kind of strengthen my belief as to why he really goes into the bathroom before sex. He’s gonna go and beat it off so that he’ll be pleasantly spent when it comes time to play his games with me because he gets off on that, and because he’s too stubborn to admit his fears to me, too.

He went to bed a little while ago and it’s just about 4 PM now. He wants me to wake him up in 4-5 hours for sex, then we can go back to bed together, he says, to work on our little test some more. He’s suddenly all the more anxious to work on our sleeping together test. See, I won’t be crashing till 11 PM-1 AM. This way, if he breaks up his sleep, we can overlap our sleeping a bit. Then he says he’ll get up a few hours after I’ve crashed so he can have time alone to finish my program. He said it may have a million bugs in it, but at least I can begin testing it out. He’s a great programmer, but my vibes say yes, it’ll have its share of bugs.

Also, Tom will be going to work at 7:30 on Monday evening. So he’ll be leaving in the middle of the party.

One more thing - I asked him how the hell he could screw after just a few hours of sleep and said something like, “You’re not even gonna be able to get in there, let alone go banging away.”

His response was, “Well, if you have it in your head that that’s the way it’ll be, it will.”

I shouldn’t have said that because now he’ll use that as an excuse to make sex a disaster. I just want to have fun. I don’t want to play games, I don’t want to make excuses, he’s welcome to never cum again, but I don’t want lies and games.

Later…

What the fuck are these weird mother-fucking freeloaders doing now? Is the bitch’s dad trying to take the place of her boy toy’s door slamming? She and her dad, who’s like an old version of Bill Cosby, just packed some shit into his Caddy, or whatever the fuck the silver car is, then split. Since it’s just wishful thinking that she’s going away for the holiday weekend, is the cock gonna bring its bitch back later, or what?

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 3, 1998 Woke up at 115 pounds today. I seem to be doing a lot of that lately.

Yesterday, Tom and I ended up going to a video store where we got the new movie Titanic, plus 3 movies I picked out, and two he picked out. I liked all but one of the movies I picked out, but the Titanic - wow! It will make you cry for sure. It’s so sad and so scary. It really makes you hate God, too, for allowing such tragedy. The most terrifying part was when a part of the big ship turned straight upright. Some people held onto railings and stuff like that, but some fell downward and, on their way down, they’d hit things and bounce off of things. It totally brought me back to my jump, because I went down like that. I fell for a while, then flipped off an awning, then continued falling. It was also really creepy how one of the rowboats some of the people got into after the ship sunk, went gliding through tons of dead bodies just floating about.

At the video store, there was this really hot girl. Totally my type. Tall, thin, dark, etc. She had a plain face overall, but her black eyes and black hair were gorgeous. Her hair was a couple of inches from the crack of her ass. Even though she was casually dressed in a black, sleeveless shirt and jeans, and even though her body wasn’t femininely curvy, she looked great. Her boyish shape sort of reminded me of Brenda, but this one wasn’t bone thin.

We also went to that used bookstore. He got a magazine, and due to my building credit, I got 13 books for $12.50.

Later…

As figured, I haven’t shit today. My body’s just doing what it has to do to keep from falling under 115 pounds, I guess, since my body’s not comfortable at a lower weight these days. Not as a middle-aged non-smoker, it isn’t.

I knew this would happen. I just knew it would. One of my vibrators is started to crap out on me. I totally depend on these things. They don’t have screwy schedules, they don’t get irritation, they don’t get tired, sick, sore, or hurt. They’re all I can depend on sexually, and to tell you the truth - they’re better than the real thing. The real thing has too many problems and just doesn’t usually hit your most sensitive spots just right. With the vibrators, though, you’re in control. You hit it just right and just where you want it. It has no fears, no desire to tease or play games. It does what you want. Anyway, Tom said it was just a faulty contact, but that he can fix it if it acts up. I can use it as long as I hold it a certain way. This is the one I keep in the bedroom. I have the other one in the bathroom.

If there’s ever a time when Tom may play games (not let himself inside me) it’ll be tomorrow. That’s the closest I’ll be to mid-cycle on one of our scheduled sex days (he never wants me on the days we haven’t agreed to get together). Maybe he will let himself in there, maybe he won’t, but he sure as hell won’t cum. But that’s good, though, what with the way he’s so easy. Also, I’d bet my life on the fact that he too, prefers to take care of himself. I’m not the greatest in bed, I admit, and when he’s doing himself, he doesn’t have to risk the 5% chance of making a kid, since he’s only 95% sure I’m sterile.

I appreciate his being easy, and his keeping the sheets nice and dry, but I don’t like the lying. Again, I deliberately asked, how he knew the sex would someday be normal. Where he should’ve said, “It’s not because you rarely get off, and I practically never get off,” he said, “I can do anything if you give me enough time.”

Oh. It’s nice to know he needed “time” to be able to get off by his own wife in the first place. Nonetheless, he said what I suspected he’d say and flunked my little test.

Later…

It’s a quarter after 6:00 and at 6:00 I noticed the cock’s car out on the street in front of the bitch’s. It’s still there now, too, and it appears that he’s bringing the bitch home in the afternoons. If that’s the case, then that proves Tom’s theory right. He did move out because of us. Not because they’re fighting. But why are they being so cool about it? Are they biding their time, or what? In fact, I thought it was her come to talk to me about it at 6:00 when the doorbell rang (that’s how I first discovered it was parked on the street). I looked out the window and saw what I thought was the bitch next door. Dying of curiosity as to why this bitch would have the nerve to come to my door, I opened up. It was a Spanish girl, though, of about 13 years old (the bitch is so skinny and barely taller than me, that she looks like a kid when you can’t see her clearly) selling junk food.

Anyway, I know it’s still just a matter of months before that cock comes back, but guess what? As soon as it comes back - it’s outa here.

I’m a pound heavier today than yesterday. Yesterday I shit and was 116 pounds at the end of my day. Today I didn’t shit and am now 117 pounds. I also only had about 800 calories today and walked 20 minutes. I’ll definitely stay right where I am if I keep on shitting only every other day, that’s for sure, but at least I’m not gaining.

Later…

The freeloader has quietly left. Didn’t even hear a car door.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 2, 1998 Just did the bathroom, dusted, vacuumed, and did a little rearranging.

As I was going through my jewelry, I came across a gold band with clusters of tiny diamonds. I can use it as a wedding ring since I’m too big for my original gold band. In fact, this is kind of big on me.

I was so sure I’d awake at just below 115 pounds, but nope. I was a smidgen over 115 pounds since I didn’t shit yesterday. I made up for lost time and shit twice today, which means I really won’t shit tomorrow. If something’s not determined to keep me from falling under 115 pounds, then my middle name’s not Lin.

I called Tammy yesterday to ask about the girl’s first day of school. She said it went well and that they like their teachers and classmates.

Later…

Today I washed and hung out sheets and the tablecloth.

Oh, am I dreading this Labor Day! I know there’s gonna be ball games if not music. They know I can’t complain to the city about ball games. I don’t know what my schedule will be then, but maybe I’ll be at Ma’s house helping Tom while we sweat our asses off. There’s no AC there, and the cooler’s broken. Anyway, with Ma paying for it, of course, he’s gonna get the city to bring over a dumpster so he can dump the remaining stuff. All the stuff that people wanted is out of there. What’s left is junk. It’s $200 for the city to give you a dumpster to fill up that they’ll haul away. He might also rent a truck that he’ll fill and then haul to the dump. We’re in a better part of the city when it comes to big bulky things, like old pieces of furniture, for example. We have alleys here where our dumpsters are, and periodically, they’ll haul away big stuff if you stick it out there. Ma doesn’t have an alley, though, so she has to bring her big stuff to the dump herself.

I was surprised, but pleased, that yesterday I only got one sales call. The day before, there were none.

I knew it was just a matter of time before Andy would be asking for a favor, and just like most favors he asks of me, it’s useless. He leaves me this message all anxious to get over here for me to give him a crash course in typing. I know this is just another one of the many things he thinks he’s gonna get into, but he’s all talk and no action. Anyway, in my message to him I told him that if he’s serious this time about learning to type well, there’s really nothing I can do for him because it’s all a matter of him getting a feel for the keys himself and remembering. Just like you remember the fingering for certain chords on the keyboard, well, this is the same thing. No one can do the work for him. He has to practice and learn for himself, so I recommended he go to a pawn shop and pick up a cheap typewriter.

Now for the results of last night’s sleeping together in the bed test. It went well, and I think I only woke up once when he pulled on the covers. I could feel the covers gliding over me. I don’t remember hearing his alarm go off or feeling him get up and leave the room. Hopefully, I can continue to adjust and hopefully we can sleep together fairly regularly enough, except for when I have appointments.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 1, 1998 The black bastard is a free soul after all. It dropped its bitch off yesterday at 4 PM. Shortly after, the bitch’s daddy left.

Woke up at 115 today. Of course, I won’t shit today and will be close to 120 by the end of the day. Since there’s an excellent chance we’ll be hitting Vegas this month, I’m not gonna worry too much about how I eat, because if eating so little can put 4 pounds on me, imagine how much Vegas will put on me! I’m gonna have to start all over when I get back because I’ll be coming back in the mid-120s. Maybe higher.

Later…

Same scenario today - the blue car picked up the bitch - the bitch’s dad is kid-sitting.

I’m getting more and more nervous as we approach the 7th. Well, we’ll see just how bad miss bitch wants to stick around here. I’m sure she’d rather not get evicted, but if so, it wouldn’t be the end of the world for her. I’m sure her dad or some other relative or friend that she’s got wrapped around her finger would squeeze her and her kid into wherever they lived. This bitch just can’t go anywhere. Everyone has to come over here for the holidays. The bitch is probably one of the few within her sick clan that has a house, but I’m sure the bitch doesn’t want to go anywhere. Why would she want to go somewhere else when she knows she can invite me to the party too? She’d never not want to include me.

It used to be that she’d go elsewhere for Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, but last Easter, they made a scene here. Does that mean they’ll even stick around for Thanksgiving and Christmas this year?

Yesterday turned out to be a nightmare as far as my allergies went from 7:30 till when I went to bed at 6:00. It just went on and on and on all fucking day. Tom got up after I went to bed and left me a message that I got when I got up this morning saying that he thinks it’s the different brand of sawdust that I used for the mice because it was bothering him. Well, I intend to throw the rest of the stuff out, but if that’s it, then why didn’t my allergies flare up when I put it in the rat’s cage a few days ago? And why haven’t I sneezed at all today? Besides, my allergies went off before I even emptied out the old sawdust, let alone put the new sawdust into the cages.

All I know is that I’m sick of these allergy attacks that I seem to have once or twice a week and sometimes more. Will there ever be an end to them? Now that I don’t have asthma attacks, I gotta have allergy attacks, right God? Well, better to sneeze than wheeze, I guess, but this is still bad enough and I’m really fucking sick of it!

Evie mailed us some family pictures. I wasn’t there that day to be in these pictures, but anyway, they consisted of Tom, Mary, Ray, Steven, Dave, David, Evie, Nickolena, Parker, Mike, Carol, Matt, Ryan, and Mom. She sent a couple of duplicates that I’ll send Tammy so she can see what some of these people look like.

Later…

Fortunately, Melanie didn’t kill me today. I was in and out fast. I didn’t get to get my molar filled because the doctor went home sick, so I’ll be having that done the next time I see Melanie on the 14th. This time, I get to get filled first, yanked second, but I’m gonna be in there for a while. She’s gonna move the bracket on the tooth, so between the filling and the moving of the bracket, it’ll be a long drag.

Melanie still turns me on, but not as much as she initially did. She had her hair swept straight back. I don’t like it as much that way. It’s always nice to see her, though, and I got to have her all to myself.

Afterward, Tom and I stopped at Abco’s. He needed Slim-Fast shakes and hot dogs, and I needed Tic-Tacs, gum, and salad. This time I got Verona salad and an oriental salad.

Here’s something weird - yesterday I wasn’t stuck, ate very little, but gained 4 pounds towards the end of my day. Today I’m stuck, ate a little more, but only gained 1½ pounds throughout the day. Weird.

[thegraygardens]

the vanishing at the cecil hotel

I just finished it and wow was it an interesting watch, it couldn’t help but make me think of more questions..

Why did the manager act so weird throughout the whole 4 episodes? It made me feel a little eerie by how she talked about Elisa, cracking jokes and praising the hotel, thinking it should get another chance after the countless deaths there.. her expressions too seemed very creepy, it makes me doubt a lot of what the manager had to say.

Like why just now in the documentary did she say that Elisa left notes and asked her original dorm-mates for a password? Like saying she left notes telling her dorm-mates to “go away” or “go home”, like…? That’s a very important detail? That too, why now did she also say that before the elevator footage Elisa was in a forbidden area of the cecil as well as hearing her say “So what if I’m crazy, LA’s crazy!” …? I just think that’s super strange. She also says she handed everything over to police but this is very important information like…? I’m not sure but the hotel manager made me feel very uneasy if I’m being honest.

As someone who has been in true crime and had forensic classes, if Elisa was in the tank for about 19 days, why was her body described as pure white? The body normally whitens about 15-20 mins of death? The body normally blackens by that 10-20 days; her autopsy shows that her skin was white-green marbled.. although, the process of putrefaction happens 4-10 days after death and it does make me wonder.. how long was she dead inside the tank? How didn’t the dogs find her in the tank or on the rooftop?

If the tank was open the whole time, how did the police not see it when up there or the helicopter during the investigation? I think that’s something that is pretty noticeable with how desolate the rooftop of the Cecil is.

But all the strange coincidences and stuff too..??? Like it just doesn’t sit right?

The Tuberculosis outbreak in Skid Row and the text being called “LAM-ELISA” (standing for a very long scientific word) and the fact her school (The University of British Columbia) has a large study in tuberculosis?

The Last Bookstore having a PO box that takes you to Burnaby, Canada to the cemetery Elisa is buried?

The similarities to the movie Dark Water and how eerily similar it is to the case?

The graffiti with the word “cunt” and then Elisa’s blog scheduled post about the word?

I feel like in other cases, you don’t really see these many coincidences as this one and it just doesn’t sit right if that makes sense? I don’t know. I just have many thoughts.

I thought it was pretty well put together but found the overindulgence of “web sleuths” to be quite… interesting. The hotel manager was very suspicious I don’t trust her tbh

All in all, I’m still scratching my head at some things but was a good watch it definitely makes you think a lot

[gibbingtonwibbington]

NUber and CVS suck.

I totally did not have the energy for that.

I’m shivvering under a blanket all over again.

I knew it. I knew it as soon as I was forced to sit on the steps waiting 20 plus minutes for a “3-4-3-4” min away NUberfkndriver to show up.

Like what’s he doing? Jerking one cuz he had a young, nubile, Valentine’s day couple to drop off, eh? Fucker in his orange fucking jeep renegade.

Canceled dat BITCH FO SHO BAYBAY.

Then got into a dope ass suv who decided to show off by driving crazy along w two other’s in cvs parking lot.

That guy totally was an ass, truck bitch was at fault 100%. I even wrote a thing to Uber just to make sure they have my say in it. My dude drove forward before the guy backed up ( I didn’t tell them that though lol) I didn’t tell them because we totally would have made it past him if he didn’t back up sideways like a fkn tard on the WORST road to do that on. We needed a second for him to wait and it would’ve been fine. He didn’t cut the wheel at all either. I said “why the fuck did he back up?” then I said “do u just want me to go inside? “ n he was like YA! Walked out n looked at his crushed side mirror n wasliwtf

Hhhhh

it was glorious. He stepped WAY THE FUCK back after this dumb back and forth..

Isaid, that means nothing.”

For the third time to this huge fuckin 6ft whatever tall bald Especially didn’t want to run into my new “best friend” …this one DIPSHIT cop that I made a complete fool put of. Oh god I loved it. I got off later on about it. He was so RED in the face with embarrassment and a flu apparently. He legit blew air in my face. It had to be him. I should call back just to give it back to him. I knew the other cop. He knew me, he knew I wasn’t lying. The last faces i said i wanted to see were theirs and apologized.

Uhh did that flu ridden mofo even search our names? Of course naht! I’m TOO old (for this obnoxious ((mid 20’s but looks older than me) neighbor having no life and being obsessed even though a lesbian joke happened) shit. I’m older than one of the cops by 3 yrs and grumpymcflufuck was at least 41. and I don’t even have a single speeding fucking ticket. flu riddenmofofo

My uber driver would’ve been way more embarrassed if I was standing with that group of middle aged 50-60 yr old men group. Fuck that. I went inside and then snuck over to the 24 store across the street to pee lol. N he said yea. Cuz they had to call the cops n these three dudes were sucking any surrounding witnesses into standing outside with them waiting for the cops. The truck guy was like did u see that can u wait here to some rasta dude in some white eRly 80’s car no shit. I am thinking bro why do u want more witnesses to you fucking up? It’s an accident. That dude wasn’t even a part of it. We had a line of traffic! I can only assume he’s not from around here. There’s a lot of construction shit going on here

So there was this kinda crazy bitch back in my middlechool yrs calles Cristina. I jeard she became a chunky lesbian stripper in Miami. I just searched, I was curious, haven’t heard a word bout this gal in ages, from anyone. Not even the one dude who was obsessed. She makes these pop art super easy canvas things, which an elephant has made look better and it doesn’t have fingers. A trunk is pretty flexible but anyway…lol…she makes these cliché ’ pop-art (insanely simplified) hand-netted basketball nets. Not sure if she’s the only one but it totally seems niche-like. Her art isn’t terrible but it’s NoT something that would make me say wow wtf?

Fkn weaksauce.

So she’s bragging on this fake ass interview thing she posted herself haha and mentions she’s sold to some high rollers like Rlck ross n a bunch of other low mil net worth ppl

n im just like… yea, you’re not applying yourself whole-heartedly, Christina.

HahaHAHA.

Cmon man…

#1 Leave Miami.

Lol

#2 Talk to OTHER people, make friends.., reach outwards.

[cs-and-bellarke]

Love isn't Weakness: A Bellarke Fanfic

Ao3, FF

Prev / Next Part

Chapter 8

Writer’s P.O.V

When Clarke woke up from her dream at first she couldn’t believe that what she saw in her dream was a dream...she realized she wanted what her dream told her, and that her sister was wrong...love wasn’t weakness, not at all. Clarke got up and ready for school and then she heard Bellamy’s car horn so she went out the door as fast as she could.

“Good morning, princess,” he says when he sees her.

“Good morning, did you just get here?” she asked him.

“No, I’ve been out here for about 20 min”

“Why didn’t you text me...O did give you my number right?”

“No” so Clarke takes his phone and puts her number into it as does Bellamy with her phone but then he realizes that she already had his number. “How do you have my number?” he asks.

“Murphy,” she says.

“Of course”

They leave but before they do Murphy sees Clarke in the front seat of Bellamy Blake’s truck and he is not happy. When Murphy first met Bellamy he warned him to stay away from the one blonde girl that will be around him all the time...and Bellamy listened... until now. Murphy is very protective when it comes to his sister so when he sees one of his closest friends hanging around her… he doesn’t take it well.

Bellamy and Clarke get to school and the gang is there waiting for Bellamy to arrive, they did expect Clarke to be in the front seat but they don’t ask questions about it...at least not yet. Raven, the girl that Finn cheated on her with and the woman Finn is still with sees her and doesn’t look happy that she is hanging around Bellamy, Raven is part of the gang and that is another reason Clarke hasn’t joined the gang is because they don’t get along that great. Clarke doesn’t know what her problem is with her other than she was the person in the way of her and Finn...well not anymore.

Clarke walks away from the group after saying hello to her friends that are in the gang...only a couple...Bellamy notices that she doesn’t want to be around so many people so she walks away. He follows her and in her mind she is asking why he is...she couldn’t get her dream out of her head and at the same time she didn’t want to.

Clarke’s P.O.V

I walk away from the gang and Bellamy notices and he follows me and I don’t know why...one thing that is racing in my head is the dream I had last night. I think that's what I want but I’m too afraid to have.

“Princess, you okay” Bellamy asks me when he catches up with me.

“Yeah just overwhelmed, I don’t like people that much you know that” I tell him.

“I know, what's wrong between you and Raven”

“She doesn’t like me”

“Why”

“Because I was her lovers girlfriend and I was in the way of her plans so she doesn’t like me and seems like she doesn’t like me even more now because when she saw me with you she looked even more pissed” 

“Yeah, there’s a rumor that she has a thing for me...I don’t know...anyway it’s just a rumor so” he says.

“Wow, she gets my boyfriend and the friends, what do I get...oh I know bullied by her” I say kinda under my breath.

“You’re bullied by her”

“She taunts me”

“That doesn’t sound like Raven”

“Have I ever lied to you, if you ask her she would lie about everything but I didn’t...I even told you about Murphy and me being siblings”

“I know...hey what happened last night, I saw Murphy on the porch waiting for you then you shooed me off before we got to the door...I get why you did but what happened?” he asks me while sitting next to me on the bleachers.

“He asked me where I was and I told him I was with a friend and not to worry, then he told me that Anya didn’t tell him where I was going when she said she would so that’s why he was worried then we went to bed...you left before he saw you...and I hope this morning he didn’t see me get in your car or he might kick your ass” I tell him.

“Lets just hope he didn’t, that’s all we can do, right?”

“Yeah”

The bell rings and I get up and walk to class, Octavia is in my first, third, and last period and I know she is going to ask me questions until I answer them for her. Don’t get me wrong I love O but she can be very irritating at times. I already can hear her asking if me and her brother are something yet even though I told her we were never going to happen.

[melancholytimes]

Okay so yes the first artist my friend gave me was Daniel Caesar. He has two albums Freudian(2017) and Case Study 01(2019). The genre is R&B and I don't really listen to that so I'm excited for the change.

Edit: I'll put it under a cut so there isn't a novella on the dash

Freudian (2017):

Oh I've heard this one before! Slow guitary alright. It's a duet

I've heard this before too! I must have heard them when the album first out. Another duet with a female voice. Love song.

All the songs sound very similar (not a bad thing). Breakup vibes..pls choose me. He uses a lot of female vocals so far which isn't a bad thing. she isn't a named feature.

More unnamed female vocals. All of the songs have been about relationships so far. Songs feel short

I really like the organ sounds. I feel like it would sound awesome in a car or overhead headphones. Lol the phone call frightened me lol

I didn't realize the song changed untill the middle lol. I like the choral (chorus?  choir?) sound/vibe

Love song? I like the production in the last min. Makes it feel big

So many of the songs sound the same. I'm sleepy. Love song. Bring me with you

Another song. Had to look at the lyrics they were all melting together. About mutual obsession.

Last song! Help me this whole album sounds the same and has been about the same thing. Sounds nice. He has a good voice.

Okay I'm done. 4 named female features and some unnamed women as backing vocals. It suited his voice though. All of the songs sounded so similar I liked the vibe and production but wow they were the same. His voice is very nice. All the songs were about love and relationships I believe (I got lost at the end there). I wouldn't complain if I heard it again but I won't choose it for myself. 4.5/10

I simply have to take a break before the next album. This one made me so tired.

Case Study 01:

Oo spoken words. I'm trying to listen to the lyrics and I can't. Lol am I okay

Jamaicans?! I really like the vibes of this one. My favourite so far

Oo a brandy feature. Love song lalala

No what girl has Daniel on his knees so bad damn. Another love song. Used to be ugly now I hit from the back lol okay bestie. A voice mod falsetto fun! Wow Pharell feature. Big step up on this album. That last note was so extra for why

What the HELL is he talking about. This song sounds like the rest. I'm getting Sick of it now

I'm so tired help. I swear I'm trying.

Omg not a love song! His voice really is beautiful. Wait did John Mayer even sing?

These songs are all guitar. I'm trying to think if I've heard a drum more than twice. I guess they wanted me to shut up and now have drums near the end. It feels like a totally different song

I can't wait to be done. I guess I always knew but I didn't realize how much the production affects how much I enjoy music. Also it's so slow it's literally irritating me. My chest is getting tight.

Oh my god I'm almost done. These songs are giving sitting on a couch and someone singing to me and I HATE that. Why is this song so long. Why do people have songs that could be two. Why are we doing that. Just make two songs

Daniel Caesar is a wonderful vocalist. I simply do not like his music and won't listen to it again.

[moyarb]

Peter Parker

give me a character (from anything ever) in my ask and I’ll rate:

looks: somewhat attractive | eh | not really my type | pretty | handsome | beautiful | stud | gorgeous | SWEET LORD MERCY

 ( I mean all the variations of Petey are pretty cute for a nerdy white boy)

can you relate to this character on a personal level?: no | not really | somewhat | yes | they are me 

(I’m not a huge science fan, but I do know that if I have the ability to do something or speak on something, I should do it)

would you date/be friends with this character in real life if they were real?: total bros | friends | best friends | date | become their steady boyfriend/ girlfriend | neither | i don’t kno 

(I def would love to be bffs with Spider-Man and be his “girl in the chair”, but if we’re talking adult Peter, Idk if I’d want to date him. He’s a sweetie, but it sounds too hectic since I’ll be too worried all the time. I get worried about walking into the wrong classroom on the first day school, can you imagine having a bf who fights super villains on the daily? )