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something-tofightfor · 4 years

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Tipping Point - 3

Pairing: Benjamin Greene x Julia Day … Benjamin Greene x Reader (friendship)

Word Count: 6717

Rating: M (language, some mentions of sex, marital issues)

Summary: Benjamin goes back to Devon for Christmas, and has to figure out how the situation with Julia has changed - if it has at all. Finally being honest with himself - and a few others - Benjamin lays everything out.

Author’s Note: No real notes here, but thank you for reading so far. This story is getting away from me, but I’m not mad about it.... hope you aren’t either.

* I’m trying not to give too much about the show away for those that haven’t seen it, but I don’t feel like leaving out what I’ve left out ruins their story too much. All you need to know is that Benjamin had secrets - and so did Julia - which came out before their wedding… and both of them caused some major tension that neither of them has truly been able to move past.*

Benjamin woke up late the next morning, stretching out in his bed in Zac and Bianca’s spare room. The sun was shining, and as he groped on the dresser next to him for his phone, he groaned. It feels like I didn’t sleep at all. He rubbed his eyes with one hand, using his thumb to unlock the device - and was shocked to see a message from Julia waiting. There’s a surprise. He sat up, eyes scanning the text, and immediately pressed the button to call her back. It was only sent thirty minutes ago. She picked up on the third ring, and Benjamin took a deep breath before speaking. “You said to call, Julia?”

“I did.” She paused, and he wondered where she was in the house. At the kitchen table, probably. Or in the library. “I didn’t hear from you all day yesterday, and I … I was wondering…”

“We went over to a friend of Zac’s, had a get together before the holidays.” Benjamin yawned again, clearing his throat. “Got to see some of the people I’ve not seen much since leaving London for Devon.”

“Did you?” She sounded curious, but Benjamin could hear the thinly veiled accusation in her tone. “Who was there?”

“Zac, Bianca and I went, and then James - you remember him from the wedding - was there with his fiancee Ellie.” He rattled off a few more names of people that had come and gone throughout the night. “And then Eric, Zac’s colleague, and his sister.” Benjamin paused. “They’re American. Eric’s studying at King’s, taking classes at The Strand, and his sister’s here for a few days before they go home together for Christmas.” Julia was silent, and Benjamin narrowed his eyes. Wait for it.

“I see.” This time, she didn’t hide the contempt, letting it seep into the words she said. “This sister, is she -”

“Julia.” He sighed. “Everyone there was very aware that I am married. Don’t make this into something it’s not.” You’re being ridiculous. “We got together, had a few drinks and some food, and that’s it.” I got to relax for a night. Relax and be myself. “They’re from Chicago, so we were talking about that, about how different it is from London.” He ran a hand through his hair, realizing that he was hungry. Haven’t eaten since those crisps last night. “I’ll probably see him again, if I’m here much longer, since he works with Zac, and he off-”

“What about her?” He heard the hurt in Julia’s voice. “Are you-”

“Seeing as she’s going back to the United States in a few days, no. I won’t be seeing her again, Julia. It was one night out, and I had conversations with the people that were in the flat. One of them happened to be woman. What would you have liked me to say? ‘Sorry, I’m married, I can’t speak to you, even though -” Even though my wife is hours away and I’m not quite sure she wants to be with me.

“That’s absurd, Benjamin.” Julia sighed. “I don’t want to fight with you. That isn’t why I wanted you to call, I just wanted to talk about next week.” Right, Christmas. “When are you coming back here?” Home, you mean? “Leo and Sara will be here on the 22nd, and Patrick’s family will be here on the 24th, are you -”

“When do you want me to come back, Julia?” He thought ahead. Even if I leave on the 21st, that’s still nearly two weeks here without her, two weeks of being apart… “Do you want me there just for Christmas, or...or for longer?”

“I… I want…” Julia went silent, and Benjamin’s eyes went to the window, staring out into the late morning sunlight. “I want us to be alright, Benjamin.” I do too. “I think… the earlier you come, the better. That will give us more time to…” To talk? To work on this? To look into speaking with someone? “... to come to terms with each other and what we’re feeling.” He lowered his head, eyes closing. Alright then.

“I’ll book a ticket home for the 20th.” Three days from now. She agreed that that was fine, and then went to hang up, but Benjamin stopped her. “Julia?” He licked his lips. “I miss you.” I do. That’s not a lie. “I -”

“Do you?” She laughed, the sound quick and quiet. “I’m glad to hear that Benjamin. I’ll see you in a few days.” Before he could say anything else, the line went dead next to his ear. Damn. He dropped the phone onto the mattress, pushing the heels of both hands against his eyes. Damn.

---

By the morning of the 23rd Benjamin was frustrated beyond belief. He’d only been back in Devon for two full days, but they’d been the longest 48 hours he’d ever experienced. The day he arrived, Julia had been waiting at the train station, and though he’d assumed they would go right back to the house, he’d been wrong.

The two of them had been out for hours, completing last minute errands for the holiday, barely having more than a few minutes to themselves, and it had continued once they got back. Julia disappeared into the kitchen, putting away groceries, and Benjamin had simply wandered through the rooms, storing his travel bag and admiring the way she’d transformed the house for the holiday. She’s been busy. There was greenery everywhere; the house smelled of fresh fir trees and cinnamon, and it was cozy in a way that comforted Benjamin immensely. She’s had time, maybe…

But when he’d tried to talk with her - really talk with her - that night at dinner, Julia brushed him off, listing off different tasks she’d saved for him to do as his “contribution” to the holiday preparations. He’d looked over the list - mostly busy work that would keep him occupied throughout the following day and into the morning of Leo’s arrival. Unbelievable. Instead of saying anything, Benjamin simply agreed, prioritizing the tasks even as they talked about what they’d done over the previous weeks of separation. They never came close to talking about how they’d move forward, Julia excusing herself to go to bed at 10 in the middle of the conversation, quickly kissing Benjamin on the mouth and telling him it was good to see him. That’s it? He stood in the study after she walked out, staring after her in disbelief. She didn’t even ask me to come with her, didn’t try to…

Waiting only a few seconds, he followed her, taking the steps two at a time and catching her just before she made it into the bedroom, his fingers closing around her elbow and stopping her in her tracks. “Benjamin, what…” She spun to face him, and he lifted one hand, fingertips moving down her cheek as he ducked his head. “You -”

“We’ve been apart for nearly two weeks, Julia, and I... “ He inhaled, closing his eyes and pressing his forehead to hers. “You haven’t … we haven’t …” I want to feel like this is worth it, like me being here is worth it, like we have a chance. “You’re my wife, and all I’ve thought about is…” Benjamin trailed off, lowering his head further as he tipped hers back, their lips meeting for the first time since he’d been in Devon. She didn’t kiss him back right away - but after a brief pause, he felt her hand against his side, the other at his hip, and he relaxed slightly. Before he could deepen the kiss, she pulled away, reaching up to stroke his brow, her eyes narrowed slightly.

“What was that for?” You’re my wife and I wanted to kiss you, I … ��You haven’t been that forward in months, Benjamin.” I know. “Maybe you do still love me.” It’s never been a question of me loving you, Julia, it’s how you feel about me. “I’m going to bed. I’ve got a lot to do tomorrow.” She dropped her hands and stepped away, his hold on her relaxing. “It’s… it’s good to have you back here.” She rose onto her toes, kissing Benjamin’s cheek and then turned away from him, stepping through the doorway and into the bedroom before she pushed the door shut behind her. He stared at the wood for a long time, jaw set and mind racing. Should I follow? We… that’s our room, that’s… our bed, I… we…

But instead of going after Julia, Benjamin turned away, heading back down the stairs. She would have asked if that’s what she wanted. I guess I’ll get some of this list done tonight.

---

He’d stayed up late the first night, getting much of what she’d tasked him with done, and by the time he laid down, slipping beneath the blankets next to Julia, her hair spread out over the pillow, one hand flat atop it, Benjamin was exhausted. He rolled onto his side, staring at the woman as she slept, and reached one hand out, laying it over hers, the silver of his wedding ring glinting in the moonlight. What are you dreaming of, Julia?

He’d slept fitfully, waking up when she did the next day, even though it was only a few hours after he’d laid down. Benjamin was startled to feel Julia’s hand sliding up his side and her lips landing on his cheek before she got out of bed. “Good morning, Benjamin.” She spoke quietly, resting her forehead against his. “I’ll go make breakfast.” Benjamin laid in bed for a few minutes before getting up and dressed, following her downstairs. Though he hadn’t gotten much sleep, he felt energized - and hopeful - about what was to come.

“So Leo’s arriving tomorrow?” He sipped on a mug of tea, long fingers wrapped around it. They’d finished breakfast and were sitting at the table, neither of them willing to get up. “With … Sara, you said her name is?” Julia nodded, looking at him over the rim of her own mug. “And they’re staying how long?”

“Until the beginning of the second week of January. Though I’m sure they’ll be visiting with Leo’s friends and maybe even Ted, just because…” She waved a hand. “Leo’s forgiving, and he’ll want to introduce her to his father.” Julia sighed. “He’s serious with her, Benjamin. I’ve never heard Leo this excited about a woman before, so it’s… very scary for me, as a mother.”

“You’ve dealt with it before, though.” He smiled at her, the corners of his eyes crinkling. “Patrick and Della both, they’ve found people to share their lives with, and you’ve been there for them. Leo’s no different.” Julia put the mug down, twisting her hands together.

“He’s my baby, though. And he’s only 27, barely on his own, and…” She sighed, meeting his eyes. “I want him to make the right choices, make good decisions, choose...someone that he can…” So you’re concerned with his love life. You’re worried about him, but not… “Leo in love, Benjamin? Can you imagine?” She smiled at him - and it was a real one, a bright one. “I’ll know when I meet her. Know whether or not she’s right for him.” Will you? Or will you judge her like your entire family judged me?

“You can’t do anything about it in the meantime.” He shrugged, finishing his tea. “Best to just wait and see tomorrow.” She agreed with him, rising from the table. “I’ve only got a few more things on that list to do, and then I can help you, or I can spend time with you, or… whatever you want.” She looked surprised, stepping away from him and moving over to the sink, where she rinsed her mug before turning back to face Benjamin.

“Alright, but there’s lots to do.” I’m sure you’ll find plenty.

---

They finished just before dinner, Benjamin surprised at how much they’d accomplished. An even bigger surprise to him was that Julia allowed him to pull her down onto his lap as he dropped onto the couch, his chin resting on her shoulder, nose in her hair. “Busy day, hmm?” She relaxed into him, and they sat on the couch in comfortable silence. Maybe. “This place looks great, love.” He kissed the side of her neck, tightening his hold on her. “You did a bang up job with the decorations and the tree.” She murmured her thanks, turning in his arms so that she could look at him, eyes wide.

“How long are you staying, Benjamin? I want to enjoy this, but I can’t if I know you’re just leaving again after they do, that this is just… temporary.” She wants to talk about it. He took a deep breath, thinking.

“I… don’t know.” He chewed on his lower lip. “I’ll … Me staying here means that we’re doing something about this, that we’re speaking with someone, that we’re working on… everything.” She stiffened in his arms, eyes going hard. Even just agreeing to do that would… “I’ve got that list, if you’ll just look through it, we can email the offices and see if we can set up -”

“I thought the time you spent in London would help you.” She sat up straight, putting one hand over his. “To realize that we didn’t need anyone else, that we could work on this ourselves, that we were fine.”

“But we’re not fine. That’s why I’m in London, and we’re taking the time to…” He could tell she’d stopped listening, her gaze far away. “Every time I try to bring this up, you shut me down, Julia. Every single time, and that’s not healthy. This isn’t just going to go away. I’ve said that before, and I mean it. If we want to make this work, we need to involve someone else, someone outside of this relationship that can guide us and tell us what -”

“So that someone else can tell me my shortcomings? So that we’ll air our dirty laundry to someone else? So I’ll have to re-live my marriage to Ted and all of the insecurities that caused while you complain about me to them?” No, that’s not it at all, I … we just need someone to… “I won’t talk to someone, Benjamin. I won’t put myself at the mercy of someone that will take my money and tell me what they think I want to hear.”

“What are you saying?” He felt himself breathing faster, a rushing sound echoing in his ears. “Are you telling me that either we fix this between us, or we… don’t?” Julia nodded, eyes locked on his. “This time we spent apart was meant to give us both time to consider things, and you’re just… refusing? You’re giving up?”

“No, Benjamin, I’m being realistic. Those counsellors are bullshit.” She stood, pacing in front of him. “We’ll waste time and money talking in circles, and they’ll bring up the difference in our ages and say that it has everything to do with why we’re having trouble.” It’s not about age.

“You know I don’t care about that.” He leaned forward. “That’s not what this is about, this is about…” He trailed of, unsure of what he wanted to say. “Look, I won’t ruin Christmas, Julia. I won’t say another word about this until Boxing Day if that’s what you want, but we need to talk about this. We need…” Help. We need help, and there’s nothing wrong with that. “I wouldn’t be saying any of this if I didn’t love you and want this to work.” I could have just stayed in London for Christmas, I didn’t even have to come back here. She didn’t answer, instead staring away from him and out the window. “That’s enough for tonight, though. We should eat, and then… maybe watch a movie?” You won’t have to talk to me then.

Turning back to face him, Julia’s expression was blank, her tone flat. “Sounds great, Benjamin.”

---

Leo and Sara’s arrival the following morning had been exciting for Julia, who took the opportunity to show the young woman - blonde and pretty - around the house, leading her from room to room while Leo trailed behind them, finding moments to interject. I’m not the only one she talks over. Benjamin tried not to smile, but felt marginally better seeing her focus her attention somewhere else, not letting Sara or Leo say much of anything between her words.

After the tense conversation on the couch, the rest of the night had been mostly quiet, though after dinner they had watched a movie together in bed. There’d been no intimacy between them, aside from Julia laying her head on Benjamin’s shoulder, the glow of the screen illuminating her skin.They’d both nodded off, Benjamin waking in the middle of the night to her easing away from him and down onto her back on the mattress. He’d followed suit, not even trying to touch her, instead simply letting himself fall back asleep.

Waking up, her mood had been a total turnaround, the woman excitedly getting dressed and doing a final once-over of the house before her son and his guest arrived, but once they’d walked in the door, it was like a flip had been switched. She was bubbly and engaging, every bit the woman he’d met and fallen in love with, and Benjamin watched in awe as Julia acted her way through the day and evening, nearly constantly touching him when they were in the same room together and engaging him in conversation whenever possible. Unbelievable. This is… she’s a different person.

He caught Leo throwing him looks, but the youngest Day never said anything, and by the time Benjamin and Julia headed to sleep that night, he was exhausted from pretending, frustration growing by the second. Waking up on the 23rd, Benjamin realized that he’d have to continue playing the part for the next three days, the thought shocking him. Three days now, but what about the future? Leo and Sara left in the early afternoon to visit friends, Leo telling his mother that they’d be coming back after dinner, and as soon as they left, Julia’s demeanor changed again, the woman pouring herself a large glass of wine and disappearing back into the greenhouse, leaving Benjamin alone in the silent house. This is my life now?

He sent a few texts throughout the day - to Zac and Bianca, messages in a group chat with a few other friends, and smiled as he saw a Facebook update from the previous night (he’d caved after marrying Julia and gotten an account) from Eric, checking in at the airport with you and counting down the hours until the plane touched down at O’Hare. At least they’re having a happy Christmas. Benjamin had been surprised to receive a friend request from Eric the day after he’d met the man, but what had surprised him more had been that you hadn’t sent him one, though he understood - since you’d understood well what his situation with Julia was after taking with him, and hadn’t wanted to cause a problem. Even though that wouldn’t have been the intention.

He’d spoken to you for nearly two hours, the door left open enough so that while the laughter and music from the main room hadn’t made it impossible to hear, there was no question about what wasn’t happening in the room. You’d told him about Chicago, about your family, about Eric - even a little about yourself, and then the conversation had shifted to Benjamin, starting with the reason he was married and staying in London without his wife, and ending with you asking more about his hobbies and interests, as well as his future plans, what he wanted to do with his degree. It had felt good to have a long talk with no ulterior motives or someone second guessing him, Benjamin speaking freely and you listening intently. And then we left, and that’s that.

Zac and Bianca had been ready to leave a little after 2 am, both of them bordering on drunk - but still happy, and though they’d been the last three in Eric’s apartment, he’d been understanding, offering to let them stay if they needed it, the couple on the couch, and switching you into his bed for the night so that he and Benjamin could share the multi-bed second room. They’d all headed home instead, Benjamin shaking Eric’s hand and giving you a one-armed hug, while telling you to make sure to see the National Gallery and take a trip to Soho while you were in London before he’d hurried his friends out the door and into a waiting cab.

The night at Eric’s felt so far removed from being in Devon that it seemed to Benjamin to have happened in a different lifetime. It was less than a week ago, it shouldn’t feel like that. He tapped on the screen to ‘like’ the status, and then slid the phone into his back pocket, heading outside to let Julia know he was going for a drive. She said she didn’t need anything, and so, for the next few hours, Benjamin simply drove, heading into town to buy a few things as dusk fell, and then returning home in time for dinner. Julia hadn’t cooked, and Benjamin was careful not to make a mess in the kitchen as he threw together a meal before retreating into the library and flipping his computer on, starting a playlist and losing himself in a book.

He hadn’t even realized how late it had gotten until Julia’s head poked through the doorway, her eyes landing on him. “Leo and Sara are back, I’m going to sleep.” He glanced over at her and then at the clock, realizing that it was nearly midnight. This is later than she’s stayed up in forever. “Are… are you coming?” She looked nervous to ask, and Benjamin immediately stood, setting his book down and following the woman up to their room. She asked me to come to bed with her. But his relief was short lived, as instead of doing anything else, Julia simply undressed and climbed into bed, pulling the blankets up to her chin. “Tomorrow is important to me, Benjamin. Tomorrow and Christmas. I -” He sat on the bed, facing away from her and then laid back.

“I know.” He was looking at the ceiling, eyes focused on a point directly above him. “It’s Christmas, and it’s your family, and they’re important.” He turned his head toward her, cheek pressed to the pillow, brow furrowed. “I won’t ruin it for you, Julia.” I wouldn’t dream of it.

---

And he didn’t, enduring another 36 hours of forced pleasantries with the Day family, close contact with all of them, Julia hovering and making sure that everything went according to her plan.

Christmas Eve dinner was delicious, the adults gathering in the library after the children had been put to bed, presents being added beneath the tree while Julia and her kids caught up, Benjamin interjecting every now and then to talk about his thesis and being done with school, about staying in London with Zac to get a feel for the job market while giving Julia a chance to ready the house. He caught Leo’s puzzled look, but the man still didn’t say anything, instead launching into a story about his last university course.

At the end of the night as they got ready for bed, Benjamin and Julia passed beneath a door together, and she grabbed him suddenly, kissing him hard. What’s happening? Surprised, Benjamin was able to react accordingly, one arm going around the woman’s waist, the palm of his other hand pressed against the back of her head. This time, she let him deepen the kiss, and when he pulled away, he took a deep breath, staring down at her until her eyes flicked upward. “Mistletoe. Happy Christmas, Benjamin.” Oh. That’s why…

They slept comfortably that night, Julia’s back pressed to Benjamin’s chest, and though there weren’t any issues on Christmas Day, Julia was overly cheerful, making it a point again to seek Benjamin out, almost the same way it had been when they’d first met and she was trying to prove to Patrick, Leo, Della and Ted that their feelings were real. They’ll notice, Julia. They have to.

Presents opened and lunch eaten, Della left first, saying that she had to visit with Emily’s family early the next day. She was quickly followed by Patrick and Eimear, who were stopping to see Ted for a few minutes before heading home. Even Leo and Sara went back to his room early in the afternoon. This left Benjamin and Julia to clean up the main room, both of them working silently until the ribbons, paper and gift bags were neatly packed into trash bags, a small stack of opened gifts left beneath the tree to be put away later.

“Thank you.” He spoke first, looking over at Julia. “I’d run out of that cologne, and didn’t think to ask for more.” I’m not trying to impress anyone. “And the jacket is perfect, Julia, it’s comfortable.” She gave him a tight smile, teeth digging into her lower lip.

“I’m glad you like them. You didn’t give me many ideas.” Gifts weren’t really at the top of my list of things to worry about. “I wasn’t expecting anything from you, Benjamin.” You weren’t? “I thought you’d punish me for…” She closed her eyes, letting out a breath. “Nevermind. It doesn’t matter.” He’d gotten her things throughout the year - rather than a larger gift, he’d chosen small items that he thought she’d like, picking them up as he found them and keeping them hidden in the house. “You know me, Benjamin. Know what I like, what I need.” Her voice soft, Benjamin felt another flicker of hope in his chest. “You know how much I need my family, needed… today.” But do you need me?

“Yeah, I -”

“Ay, Benjamin.” His head snapped to the right, where Leo was leaning against the door frame. “Want to come out for a smoke?” I stopped, but… sure. He glanced at Julia, who looked shocked but waved him off with a smile. Once they were outside, Leo led him off of the porch and across the back yard to the shelter of the greenhouse’s exterior walls. “It’s been a minute, we’ve not talked since…”

“Since summer, really.” Benjamin crossed his arms, leaning against the building. “How’ve you been, Leo?” The younger man waved a hand in the air, taking a drag of his cigarette. “Sara’s nice, it was a good idea for you to come here.”

“Wasn’t mine. Mum said she wanted the company, and I thought…” What? Benjamin’s eyes narrowed. “What’s that look for?”

“Julia said you asked if…” Leo laughed, head shaking back and forth.

“No, we were supposed to go on holiday, and then she asked us back here, said it would be good to see me for a while, and Sara agreed before I did.” Leo’s chest expanded as he took a breath in. “How long have you been fighting, Benjamin?” He froze, staying quiet. “It’s plain as day, she’s… God she’s laying it on thick, like she did when you first met.” He noticed it. I was right. “Are you still together?” The question caught him off guard, but Benjamin didn’t hesitate.

“Yes.” He swallowed, gesturing to Leo’s hand, the younger man reaching into his pocket and handing over a cigarette and lighter. Benjamin busied himself lighting one and moving it to his lips before he spoke again. “We’re together, but it’s not… we need to -”

“That why you’re in London, really?” Leo’s breath was visible as he spoke. “Separated? Thinking about -”

“Not separated. I want to see someone, Leo. Talk to someone, figure this out.”

“What’s she say?” His head swiveled toward Benjamin. “How does Mum feel about that?” The expression on his face must have given him away, because Leo laughed, nodding his head. “She took it well, eh?” Benjamin sighed. “She’s made up her mind, then. She won’t… Benjamin, she won’t change it, that’s how she is.” I know, but I need to try. “She knows best, you know? It’s her way or no way, an’ I love her, I do, but … you can’t make her do anything she doesn’t want to do.”

“I don’t want to give up on her, Leo. On us. I married her because I want -”

“Benjamin.” Leo took another long drag of his cigarette and flicked the ashes into the darkness. “It’s not about what you want, mate. Don’t you get that yet?” Stunned into silence, Benjamin stared at the other man, waiting. “You’ve known her for a couple years, but it’s been my whole life.”

“Why… why are you being so -” Leo laughed, turning the top half of his body away and stubbing the remainder of the cigarette out on the brick next to him.

“Honest? Nice? Friendly? Take your pick. I’ve been a shite to you, Benjamin, we all have, and I’m sorry.” Leo looked back at him, reaching up to adjust the knit hat he wore. “I wasn’t happy she married you, I won’t lie about that. But the more I watched you? You were always innit, weren’t you? You love her, and all that bull Kieran tried to pull? You did what was best for yourself, but it wasn’t because you wanted anything from us - from her.” Leo wrinkled his nose and frowned, head shaking back and forth slowly. “I lived here for twenty five years, Benjamin. I know her better than anyone else, how she is.” You’re not wrong about that. “It’s not giving up, not really, if someone won’t work with you.”

“Leo, your m-” Benjamin stopped, frowning. “Would she listen if you talked to her? Asked her to -”

“She won’t even tell me anythin’ is wrong, mate.” Leo laughed, stuffing both hands into his pockets. “Says everything’s fine with you two, that it was her idea for you to stay in London, see your friends and look into a job and give her a chance to work on the house.” What? “So unless you’re lying to me, and I’ve no idea why you would, she’s treating this like it’s all going to blow over and you’ll be back to normal as soon as the clock hits midnight on New Year’s because nothing’s wrong.” He stayed quiet, thinking. She didn’t say anything to him, she lied about why I was in Lon…

“Leo, no matter what happens, whatever we decide, I don’t…” He ran a hand through his hair. “I never wanted anything but her, and you’ve got to know that. Patrick and Della might not believe it, but…” He swallowed hard. “The money never mattered to me, it was all about her.” Leo reached out, squeezing Benjamin’s shoulder.

“I see that, Benjamin, now. Because, well, look.” He shuffled on his feet and straightened up, glancing back at the house. “She does what she thinks is best - and we weren’t ever going to change her mind. But that … that means that you won’t change her mind, either. It’s not worth the fight, no matter how much you love her.” He turned and walked a few steps before looking back. “You know why, right? She’s always going to love herself more, and that can’t be helped.”

---

Benjamin thought about the conversation with Leo for the next few days, and even though the way he and Julia acted around each other didn’t worsen, it didn’t improve, either. They still acted like things were fine around Leo and Sara, Julia overly cheerful and Benjamin doing his best to keep up, still slept next to each other every night without any attempts made to physically reconnect - though they kissed occasionally. It feels like I’m being punished. He was in the kitchen two nights before New Year’s, waiting for the tea kettle to boil, and Benjamin rubbed the back of his neck, staring at the stovetop. And I’ve done nothing wrong. “There enough in there for me?”

She spoke from the doorway, arms crossed over her chest. “Of course, I don’t need an entire kettle.” He reached up, pulling the tin down out of the cupboard. “Same flavor, or -”

“Yes.” He heard her pull the chair out and sit down in it, clearing her throat. “You know how I like it, Benjamin.” She sounds serious. He finished what he was doing, prepping two mugs with strainers and loose leaf tea, and by the time he’d finished, the water was ready. He poured the mugs, removing the kettle from heat and carried both to the table, sliding one to Julia before he sat down too, waiting. “Having you here… home has been…” He widened his eyes as she used the term - something she hadn’t done once in the previous days. “I’ve liked it. With Leo gone, and you in London, it’s been too quiet here, and the past week has been… I don’t know, Benjamin. You’re right that this isn’t the best situation, but do you… do you really think we need to see someone to make it better?”

“I do.” He didn’t hesitate, taking a long sip of his tea and looking directly at her. “We can’t fix this on our own, Julia. We’ll focus too much on nitpicking and not on what’s really important.” She watched him, both hands wrapped around her mug. She’s listening. “Being in London has given me so much time to think, and I just want… I want to make this better. Whatever it takes.” I mean that.

“Don’t you think we should work this out before we see someone?” She blinked rapidly, wetting her lips. “I looked over that list you made, and none of -” What?

“How did you look over the list, I haven’t sent it to you because you told me…” He straightened up, eyes on her. “It’s saved on my Google account, which…”

“I meant that I looked at relationship counselors, Benjamin.” She spoke quickly, raising the mug to her lips and averting her eyes. “A list of them, and none of them are -”

“Julia.” He let his voice go lower, an edge to it. “Have you been looking into my emails?” A year prior, he never would have directly accused her, but Benjamin was enraged. She still doesn’t trust me. “Not that I’ve got anything to hide, but…” She didn’t look back at him, instead focused on her hands. “What were you looking for, going through my account? This is ridiculous, Julia. I offered to send you that list multiple times, and you… you never… ”

“You’ve been in London, Benjamin. By yourself. Do you blame me for wondering if you’ve been wearing your ring or telling people we’re separated , or acting as if you’re single because you’re finally away from -”

“It was never about the list.” Benjamin scoffed. “You were checking up on me.” He stood, carrying his mostly full mug to the sink and dumping it. “What did you find, then? Incriminating evidence from the places I’ve inquired with about a job?” He set it down in the basin, turning back to her. “Salacious replies from all of the Hungry House and UberEats orders I’ve made?” He shook his head, narrowing his eyes. “No, that wouldn’t be what you’re worried about, would it.” He stepped forward, placing his fingertips on the wooden surface of the table. “I married you because I was in love with you, Julia Day, for no other reason than that I wanted to bewith you. You know how difficult it is for me to trust the intentions of others, and I trusted you.”

“Benjamin.” She looked up at him, and he saw that her eyes were glistening. “Don’t.”

“If I’d wanted to be with someone else, I would have been, but I chose you.” He laughed, closing his eyes. “You refused to change your last name to mine, and I understood. You forged my signature on a prenup, and it upset me, but I got it, because you have to focus on what’s best for your children.” She said his name again, this time quietly, but there were still no tears. Can’t force them right now, because I’m right, hmm? “You set fire to my possessions because you were jealous of something that you didn’t understand, and yet I married you, but when I want to do whatever’s necessary to save this relationship, you won’t even agree to seeing a counsellor, which is the only thing I’m asking you for.” He smacked a palm down on the wood and then straightened up, hands dropping to his sides. “I’m not cheating on you, Julia, I wouldn’t dream of it. I couldn’t do that to someone I love.”

“That’s what Ted said, too.” Benjamin gritted his teeth. “He promised me-”

“I am not Ted.” Benjamin stepped closer to Julia, fighting to keep himself from raising his voice. “I have never and will never be anything like Ted.” She looked up at him, waiting. “Will you see someone with me, Julia? To work on this, to -”

“No.” Her jaw was set and her tone was firm. “We don’t need to involve anyone else in this, we can work -”

“This isn’t about your image. This is about our marriage. I’m willing to do this, to see someone, to come up with a solution -”

“I’m not.” She won’t admit that she needs someone’s help, won’t… “No one can fix this but us.” That’s it, then, isn’t it?

“Alright, then, Julia.” Benjamin swallowed, fighting back tears of his own and feeling his chest tighten. “Then I guess there’s nothing else for us to talk about.” Not now anyway. “I’ll leave tomorrow and go back to London until we figure out what comes next.” He stepped toward the door and then heard her say his name. What? He stopped, turning back to face her.

“Haven’t these last few days been nice? We’re all together, and -”

“I’m exhausted, Julia. It’s all a lie. From the time we wake up until we go to sleep, everything is calculated, planned. That’s not a marriage. That’s not real.” He felt tears leaking down his cheeks. “I won’t spend the rest of my life telling myself that things are fine until I actually believe it.” I want more than that. I deserve more than that. Benjamin rubbed his hand over his eyes. “You know what I want. You know what I’m prepared to do. It’s up to you to decide whether or not that’s what you want, too.” There’s nothing more to say.

He turned again and walked out of the kitchen, heading up the stairs. Halfway up, he met Leo and Sara, who were headed down, both in coats. “Everything ok?” She spoke first, reaching out to touch Benjamin’s arm. “You-”

“You did it, then.” Leo’s voice was full of surprise, eyes wide. “Told her what you -”

“Check on her before you head out, Leo.” Benjamin sniffed, wiping at his face. “She might need you.” Leo nodded, lips pressed together. “She might still -”

“It’s not your fault, Benjamin.” Leo surprised him, reaching out with both arms to hug the older man tightly. “You did what you needed to do.” Did I? He pulled back from the man’s grasp and stared at his stepson.

“I’m… I’ll be gone tomorrow, Leo, so if I don’t see you…” Thank you for… the advice? I’ll miss you? Benjamin stumbled over his words, wrinkling his nose again. “Just go see her, go make sure she’s…”

“I’ll see you soon.” Leo smiled at him. “Thatsa promise.” Is it? The couple continued down the stairs and Benjamin heard Leo telling Sara he’d explain everything later. He paused for a few more seconds before he continued up the staircase, headed for their bedroom to collect his belongings. As he packed his bag - taking more of his things than he’d brought back from London, Benjamin felt the tears slipping down his cheeks unchecked. She won’t work on this, she only wants me on her terms.

By the time he carried his bag and a second suitcase into one of the unused guest rooms nearly thirty minutes later, Julia still hadn’t come upstairs.

--- --- ---

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harry-sussex · 4 years

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KATIE’S TOP 10 15 BEST ROYAL WEDDING DRESSES OF ALL TIME

15. Princess Madeleine in Valentino (Sweden, m. Christopher O’Neill, 8 June 2013)

The only thing I can say I hate genuinely about this dress is that it never sat right off her shoulders. It looked like it was slipping and sliding all day. Other than that, wow, this dress is gorgeous. The color is beautiful, combined with that fantastic tiara and gorgeous veil. Lace but not too much lace. Absolutely beautiful!

14. Mette-Marit Tjessem Høiby in Ove Harder Finseth (Norway, m. Crown Prince Haakon, 25 August 2001)

I love a simple wedding dress, and Mette-Marit really hit it out of the park with hers. I love that she was involved with the design. I love that she accessorized really minimally to let the dress and that fabulous veil shine. The only thing I’d like to have seen is a bit more bling in the tiara, but she still looked absolutely beautiful!

13. Countess Olympia von und zu Arco-Zinneberg in Oscar de la Renta (France/Austria, m. Prince Jean-Christophe Napoleon Bonaparte, 19 October 2019)

This dress is so far out of my comfort zone, but it is absolutely fabulous. So quirky, so intricate - I’m in love! It’s classic Oscar de la Renta and it fits her beautifully. I’m not a fan of what the cape does in the chest area and I would never, ever wear this myself but it’s a work of art! Absolutely fabulous!

12. Camilla Parker-Bowles in Anna and Robinson Valentine (United Kingdom, m. The Prince of Wales, 9 April 2005)

I think this is stunning for a second wedding. The color, the gold accents, the classic Philip Treacy headpiece - absolutely magnificent. It looks bridal without being juvenile, and it’s gorgeous while still being appropriate for the occasion. I’ve always loved it!

11. Crown Princess Victoria in Pär Engsheden (Sweden, m. Daniel Westling, 19 June 2010)

The combination of the simplicity of Victoria’s gown with the Cameo tiara and that gorgeous, intricate bouquet is exquisite. The Cameo needed something simple to let it shine and Victoria and Engsheden did not disappoint. The color and material were perfection and this is how you do an off-the-shoulder short-sleeved look! Combined with no necklace to really let the whole look shine, this is one of my favorites!

10. Beatrice Borromeo in Armani Privé (Monaco, m. Pierre Casiraghi, 1 August 2015)

This is the first of three (yes, three) mentions of Beatrice Borromeo on this list. She’s gorgeous and would have made a beautiful bride wearing a trash bag but this dress is something else. It’s classic bridal with just a touch of high fashion and I love it. That lace is so, so delicate, only someone as graceful as Beatrice could have pulled it off. Her veil is gorgeous and although I missed a tiara, she’s literally sparkling in the delicate, shimmery fabric!

9. Catherine Middleton in Sarah Burton for Alexander McQueen (United Kingdom, m. Prince William, 29 April 2011)

What a love affair the world has with this dress, the modern icon of all wedding dresses! It would have been easy to overwhelm Kate’s figure with a full skirt, but Sarah Burton nailed the proportions perfectly. The lace is exquisite from her neck to her shoes. I love how she brought back lace sleeves in bridal fashion. The peplum detail on the back of the skirt is incredible. It fit her like a second skin in the best way and she looked every bit the fairytale princess walking down the aisle. Her veil was just the right length, too - not too long but not too short. It’s no wonder this is the new iconic wedding dress!

8. Meghan Markle in Clare Waight-Keller for Givenchy (United Kingdom, m. Prince Harry, 19 May 2018)

I’ve said before that I love a simple wedding dress, and Meghan did not disappoint. The boat neckline was so flattering on Prince Harry’s bride, and the color and fabric were just the right combination for her. I stood on the Long Walk during their carriage procession, and I could see Meghan coming from a mile away because she was literally shimmering in the sunlight. I wish it was better tailored - my only true grievance - but everything else was gorgeous. And that veil! What can I say about that veil? It literally sparkled in the sunlight going up the stairs to the chapel. I can’t say enough - and the fact that it included a patch of the dress they wore on their first date? My heart!! If this was better tailored, it would have been top 5.

7. Princess Eugenie in Zac Posen (United Kingdom, m. Jack Brooksbank, 12 October 2019)

The first reception dress of the list! Eugenie’s ceremony dress was pretty, but not my style. This, however... how could one go wrong with a pale blush cape dress that fit her perfectly? She looks like an ethereal goddess, like she’s descended from the clouds to grace us with her presence. The color is magnificent, the fabric so delicate. I don’t know how it’s possible to look so beautiful and so comfortable at the same time, but Eugenie and Zac Posen really pulled it off. This was such a pleasant surprise when comparing it to her ceremony dress - I loved it!

6. Beatrice Borromeo in Valentino (Monaco, m. Pierre Casiraghi, 25 July 2015)

Never in my life could I have imagined myself picking a purple wedding dress in a list of favorites, but here we are. Beatrice’s civil wedding dress was everything one could have expected from her - delicate, feminine, with an almost fairy-like quality that many couldn’t even dream to pull off. She literally looks like a goddess. The lace overlay cape was something out of a dream, and the natural flow of the skirt is magnificent. I love that the lace detail up top matches the lace detail at the bottom. Ethereal is the word I would use to describe this dress - absolutely heavenly!

5. Elisabetta Rosboch von Wolkenstein in Valentino (Belgium, m. Prince Amadeo, 5 July 2014)

The delicate details of this dress are everything! I love the matching neckline with the sleeve structure and the chest/mesh detail. I especially love how those details match the veil outline. I usually don’t like mesh paneling very much, but Elisabetta pulled it off beautifully. The simplicity of the skirt is complemented by the gorgeous overlay. Plus, there’s something so gorgeously simple about the twist in her hair that I just adore. The skirt is flattering and of the right proportion, and I love how vibrant the white is. This is truly one of my favorites - so delicate and feminine!

4. Claire Lademacher in Elie Saab (Luxembourg, m. Prince Felix, 21 September 2012)

Y’all know I wasn’t going to get through this list without my main man Elie Saab. This dress is truly a masterpiece, a piece of premier artistry. The lace detail is simply unparalleled, and it being head-to-toe does nothing to detract from the magnificence that is Princess Claire and Elie Saab. I love the high neckline and the minimalistic jewelry. Plus, that tiara with her dark hair and that gorgeous veil? *chef’s kiss* magnificent. Absolutely otherworldly.

3. Countess Stéphanie de Lannoy in Elie Saab (Luxembourg, m. Hereditary Grand Duke Guillaume, 20 October 2012)

God, what a dress. What can I even say? That lace? Incredible. The skirt? Fantastic. The train? Phenomenal. Veil? Unreal. I really don’t have anything technical to say about this other than good Lord, it is out-of-this-world, show-stopping fabulous. Stéphanie’s usual style is not my favorite but it’s truly all forgiven because she pulled out the big guns with this royal wedding dress, the epitome of what a royal wedding dress should be. The only thing that heightens this above Princess Claire’s Elie Saab masterpiece is the color - it’s so gorgeous, so flattering, I have no words. Also, I’m a sucker for this kind of veil - mounted on the back of her head and thin enough to be transparent. The whole thing is mesmerizing - an absolute work of art.

2. Beatrice Borromeo in Armani Privé (Monaco, m. Pierre Casiraghi, 1 August 2015)

Beatrice’s second reception gown rounds out my favorites of hers from her wedding week. I love the simple lines of this dress - the v-neck is so flattering and I love that the straps are thin without being too thin. The A-line cascades down through the skirt beautifully, the belted waist ties the full thing together. The construction is truly magical, a genuine workpiece. I can’t talk about this dress without discussing the cape-like effect of the back. She looks like she is walking through the clouds with the gorgeous wispiness of the cape. I love that the pieces are separate, and I can only imagine what they looked like in motion. Armani truly outdid himself with this - it was perfectly constructed from top to bottom. A true masterpiece.

1. Lady Gabriella Windsor in Luisa Beccaria (United Kingdom, m. Thomas Kingston, 18 May 2019)

And finally, last but certainly not least - the inspiration for my future wedding dress if I ever get married. Lady Gabriella stopped me in my tracks when I saw this dress. Literally, I was walking and looking at my phone, and I stopped short when I saw it. The cape is just divine, that’s the only word I can use to describe it. It’s like Beatrice’s second reception dress, but kicked up a notch with that absolutely inimitable lace overlay. The skirt is proportioned beautifully, and I love how it flatters her figure without suffocating her. The shoulder/cape detail is heavenly. I could stare at this dress all day long, it is so magnificent. It is delicate and feminine with magnificent construction, structured and lined beautifully with an element of softness and romance that cannot be paralleled. It’s no wonder this is my favorite royal wedding gown of all time. It’s just extraordinary. I’ve done my best to explain in words but I simply cannot. This dress is incredible. Heart-stopping, show-stopping, jaw-dropping magnificent.

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