#a couple of these were educated guesses haha

[notthatalex]

What are the origins of Augustus and the Chosen respectively, when did they first meet each other and what is their dynamic?

Ok so

The Chosen:

His first appearance was in a smosh Vegas episode. 'Playing Blackjack in Viva Smosh Vegas' (Sept. 2020)

How Shayne came up with the character is kinda interesting. Because he was supposed to play Aunt carolyn in that episode, but they didn't have her wig on hand. So he had to come up with something on the fly. He had a vague idea that he wanted to play a character like this already tho. He didn't have a name however, and like he came up with the name "Spencer Agnew" on the fly while being asked the question in the video. That's why a bunch of people think he was supposed to he a parody of Spencer when that was actually never the case. I think that is also the reason they don't bring up that name a lot anymore and just use "The Chosen".

Augustus:

Augustus is a actually a lot older as a character than The Chosen. But he is in a lot less videos.

His first video was 'DAMIEN KNOWS DA WAE' (Jan. 2018). A vr chat video.

After that he appeared in a bunch of maricraft videos. A minecraft let's play series on smosh games back in the day. There bunch of stuff got established about the Character and a bunch people think he got created there because they don't know about the vr chat video . He didn't get a look till 2020 though. Until then he was just a voice and name.

Augustus full name is Augustus St. Cloud and he definitely got heavily inspired by the Venture Bros Character with the exact same name. Damien never talked about it but it is a very strong educated "guess". They got the same first and last same, as well as the same voice and a couple of character traits.

Nintendogs:

Two only videos they interact in.

'POV: You entered a Gamestop'

'The Chosen vs Augustus: Bakugan'

They got posted only one day apart as well. In Nov. 2021. The ship name nintendogs came to be because in the Gamestop Video they play nintendogs together

I love their dynamic so much because they are both insufferable nerds. Also the competitive nature of their relationship. My favorite awful guys.

My hopes to ever get then in a video together again are not that high. Honestly I thought Augustus wasn't even going to show up again till the TNTL appearance a couple of days ago.

But a boy can dream.

If you want to know more and want to check out all their appearances in smosh content I wrote wiki articles for them.

The Augustus one I wrote entirely myself. So if anyone wants to add to it, fact check something or especially if I missed an appearance, I would appreciate an edit. Or tell me and I do it.

The Chosen one was already there, but it was a big mess. And I am still working on it. I edited a big chunk of it already but there is still stuff missing.

Both of them have videos that were exclusive to other platforms btw! (Facebook, Instagram). So if anyone wants more content for them, there is a chance you missed those. I listed them on their wiki pages.

I am thinking about making a wiki page for Nintendogs but I am not sure if the wiki administrators would like that lol. I fear that it would just be deleted. There is stuff about shipping on it, but it is very old and the only ship that has a page is Iananothy. Maybe I am going to ask them if I can. Idk yet haha.

Thanks for the ask hehe. I will take every chance to infodump about this I can get

[coyoteprince]

what were Degare and Waite's childhoods like?

Tl;dr: bad

Degare technically was born a young adult (about 17, 18?). In his prior human life he was raised as a daughter on a medieval peasant farm so. Not great! He ran away in his early mid teens after hearing he was going to be married and presented as a young pageboy to gain employment at an apothecary a couple years before his rebirth. He was feral for a few years, very isolated and alone, got driven out by humans, then Sandman took him and gave him to his adoptive mothers. All three gave him dedicated education (a lot of it in medicine) and room to be a person, but he also had emotional/behavioral problems as a result of a not great past. He was very loving and awkward but would either respond with frightened aggression or remove himself entirely if presented with something that made him upset... which I guess hasn't changed too much in his middleage, except he keeps his loving side as hidden as he can manage haha

Waite was the first born son in a middle class family that started a tea import company. His parents were so concerned with just trying to make something of themselves via new wealth & improving their class that they became very absent and allowed nannies to raise Waite. Waite had multiple other siblings but all died in infancy except for his sister Luella. He still visits and cares for the graves of his siblings.

Waite had "problems with authority" (read: autistic) and was almost sent to a care home because of it. Terrified to look his father in the eyes, often wouldn't speak unless it was to the house workers or the wolfhounds kept as pets, did weird things with his hands, etc. He was seen by his parents as being overly sensitive and a not very smart troublemaker and they made sure to let him know what burden this put on them. Physical punishment was common as it was the only way they could seem to get him to "listen" to them, he was put on a strict diet to "curb his excitement" when he was about 14 which resulted in nutrition deficiency until his late 30s, wasn't allowed to behave like a child or be interested in childish things (fairytale books) starting from the time he was 10, etc etc. A lot of restriction in an attempt to turn him into something he's not.

The house workers who essentially raised him were very kind though and they are the reason why he relates much more to normal folk despite what his parents tried to teach about class division. He would seek positive attention from them and they would sneak him food and books he wasn't allowed despite it risking their position and in one case, resulting in a firing which Waite blamed himself for harshly.

Beyond this, he was being groomed to take on the business eventually so he had a lot of tutoring in finances and penmanship. He also gained a love for repairing book bindings in his teens as a result of his father regularly destroying the fairytale books he found hidden throughout the house, which Waite wasn't allowed to have.

[leafpool-loves-ashfur]

you would think making a family tree and THEN a timeline would have made it so i properly mapped out ages and avoided any underage parents but

no. no that would not be the case. the opposite in fact

y'all think canon warriors is bad? that bt ages are bad?

ur not ready for my Generations ocs omg

like. like. somehow. in mapping the Reverse Generations i did not. consider the families, and how old cats were, and when they would be apprentices/warriors. which not only lead to many very VERY young leaders (like. just became warrior and now im leader situations).

but also. many "i just graduated and also gave birth" situations.

there's Beetlespots and Cloudtuft who have their litter at 10-11 moons old, which, yknow, thats fine. one young couple with an unplanned pregnancy? that's normal

but then there's THUNDERCLAN.

who starts it off with BLUEPAW (later Bluetail) having his daughter when he's 9-10 MOONS (and i had to quickly make up some loner bs because there was no available in-clan mother at the time vksjdfksj)

and then, in the SAME apprentice group as him, Sootmask and Needlecloud graduated EARLY and have Smokekit, to which Needlecloud DIES tragically during birth, because she was also 9-10 moons old!! (which actually fits quite a lot with their whole story but thats besides the point) and yeah irl 9-10 months old is pretty normal for stray cats (but still not ideal for them) but it GETS WORSE

BECAUSE THEN, SOOTMASK'S SISTER SWEETCLOUD ALSO GETS PREGNANT/GIVES BIRTH AT 11-13 MOONS OLD, and her mate is still 7-9 MOONS OLD and it is VERY hard to pull the "uhhh he also graduated early haha!!!" card here because HE NEEDS TO GRADUATE ALONGSIDE HIS FOSTER SIBLING FOR (MINOR) PLOT REASONS (side note: there's only ~4 moon gap between Sweetcloud and Furzestep and they were in the nursery together so its not like a grooming situation, though you could argue there was a power dynamic or smthn idk)

AND IT STILL DOESNT END THERE!!!!! because Furzepaw/step's foster sibling SPIKETAIL---who is ALSO Bluetail's DAUGHTER that he had when HE was TOO YOUNG---ALSO GETS PREGNANT YOUNG AND GIVES BIRTH TO HER KITS WHEN SHE'S STILL 10-12 MOONS RANGE.

specifically this generation of warriors got so fucked over. no sex education in thunderclan i guess. wtf

[hecatesbroom]

Oh I'm so sad after your fic. Its amazing, what an idea to use Phil's eyes to explore Dorothy. And it makes me think of Dorothy at the funeral, and how upset she was at him for dying, she really did have so much love for him that I don't know she ever said to him. Your headcanon that Phil knows on some level that Dorothy is 'like him'is so interesting and heartbreaking, do you think he ever tried to talk to her when they were both adults?

Thank you so much for taking the time to send me an ask! <3 seriously, I woke up to this and it was a great start to my day :)

But yeah!! I always get the feeling that they loved each other very much (Dorothy's speech at the funeral is the prime example here) but never really opened up about it. I have sooo many thoughts about their relationship in general!! We never find out the reason why Dorothy and Phil grew apart (because from the things she says about him, she seems to be almost exlcusively positive about Phil as a person — if a little less positive about his accomplishments). Looking at this through a queer lense, my personal headcanon is that Dorothy distanced herself from him because he's very openly queer, and from the sound of it, enthusiastically so — with full, loving support from his wife. Juxtapose this against Dorothy who likely never even allowed herself to entertain the idea that she might be queer as well, and you've got yourself a very complicated dynamic to begin with.

I absolutely think he would've tried, at least a couple of times, to connect with her by hinting at the fact that Dorothy might be queer as well. I think I mentioned this in a different post already but they have quite a large age gap between them (7 years if I'm right?) so Phil was about 10 or 11 when Dorothy married Stan and moved out. Which I'm guessing created quite a distance between the two of them already! It does seem logical for a person like Phil, who's so openly and happily queer, to want to connect to his older sister through their shared queer experience — and upon her dismissal, probably more than once, he might even have started to feel bad for her?

If he did confront her straight out (pun not intended) at some point, maybe that's what drove a wedge between them? As in: Dorothy doesn't resent him, but also can't quite bring herself to spend a lot of time around Phil?

We know waaaay too little about Phil for me to be able to make any sort of educated guess here, but he's a very interesting character to invent headcanons about in any case haha.

[silverraes]

Get To Know Me Tag

tagged by @befuddledcinnamonroll & @infinitelyprecious ty <3

Do you make your bed?

Only if visitors are coming over lol. My sleep schedule is kinda very fucked so you never know when I'm just gonna fall into bed and pass out anyway

What’s your favorite number?

I don't think I really have a favorite number? 13 maybe?

What is your job?

Uni student. Communication and media studies with a minor in musicology. Though I'm not taking any musicology classes rn and plan to change that to art-media-aesthetic education next semester

If you could go back to school, would you?

Depends. If it's the school I went to from grade 5-10? Hell no. Some of my experiences there were funny looking back but the place was kind of a hellhole. But the school I did my Abitur at? Sure, why not. It was very art and design oriented so the people there were pretty chill and I had some fun classes.

Can you parallel park?

I can't even drive lmao

A job you had that would surprise people?

Well the only job I ever really had was a minijob at a distribution center where I packed boxes for about three years. Which I'd say is a pretty basic job for a uni student so there's nothing really surprising on my resume yet

Though I guess some people might be surprised that I studied biology for a bit before switching to something more media related?

Do you think aliens are real?

That kind of depends on the definition of "aliens" here. Do I think there's life on other planets, however small it may be? Absolutely. I think it'd be more unrealistic to expect that there is not a single other planet with at least some microorganisms in the entire universe. Intelligent life though? Not sure. The universe is huge so I wouldn't count it out but if other intelligent life is out there, I don't think we'll ever find it.

Can you drive a manual car?

Again: I can't even drive haha

What’s your guilty pleasure?

I don't really have one. If I like something, I like it, nothing guilty about that. I think with the kinda hellhole school I went to, I learned pretty quickly that sometimes you just have to be yourself and the people who don't like that can just stay the hell away from you lol

Tattoos?

None. I'd love to get some but I'm kinda afraid of that commitment (and also I don't have that kinda money lmao)

Favorite color?

Black, purples, light blues & greens, pink and anything pastel, really

Favorite type of music?

Ohhh if you've seen me talk about music on here before, you likely know that most of my playlists are pretty whiplash inducing lmao. I'm not really picky about genres so I kinda just listen to anything? If I vibe with it, it goes in the playlist so sometimes you end up jumping from metal to a ballad to dubstep lol. I guess my favorite genres would be kpop, metal & rock?

My favorite band ever is BMTH, my current #1 kpop group is Ateez and my favorite singers are DPR Ian and Crywolf and I actually think that sums up my taste in music pretty well haha

Do you like puzzles?

Used to love 'em as a kid but haven't really done one in ages. I did actually consider buying one just a couple of days ago but I promised myself to keep my spending that day below 20€ and I ended up buying a book about Caspar David Friedrich instead... maybe next time haha

Any phobias?

Heights. And wasps, kind of, but I've gotten much better at dealing weith those. Heights though, I absolutely can not deal with. I guess a fear of falling is also a big part of that bc ladders are too much for me already but I'm fine on airplanes lol

Favorite childhood sport?

I was the "I'll take the bad grade for forgetting my sports clothes again if it keeps me away from any kind of ball" kinda kid so.. none haha. Unless you count Just Dance as a sport

Do you talk to yourself?

All the time

What movies do you adore?

Movies are much like music for me, I'm not really picky about genres. If it keeps me entertained I like it and I'm pretty easily entertained haha. But I'd have to say my favorite movies are The Fifth Element and Scream (the 1996 one ofc). I'm also a big fan of the Halloween movies but I don't think I really have a favorite one out of those.

Coffee or tea?

Tea all the way. I like coffee too but if I had to choose I'd pick tea every time.

First thing you wanted to be growing up?

Hmm, I went through a couple of different dream jobs as a kid but the first thing I remember wanting to be was a fashion designer haha

Idk who's been tagged in this yet so... no pressure and feel free to ignore this if you've done it already lol @sparklyeyedhimbo @buddhamethods @supanuts @aylinaliens @nozunhinged @bunnakit @zoinkssc00b @lukaherehelp

[allieebobo]

Hi Allie!! The update was really gooooodddddd! Anw, ive been stalking and reading through the asks & while I’m enjoying those, i don’t think anyone has asked u about urself yet. Or maybe i miss it but I’m interested to know more about the author who wrote 2 of my fave IFs. Just general questions like;

1. which part of SG were you from?

2. Fav food?

3. Fav place to lepak?

4. Pri/sec school (if you were educated in sg)

5. What made you migrated to USA?

6. Where are u currently based in?

7. Are u still a student or a full-fledged career womann

8. One place in sg that will always carry beautiful memories for you, now that u’ve moved abroad.

9. What sparked your interest in writing these IFs?

Hehehe. If some of the questions are abit personal, you don’t have to share ur answers. Have a good day ahead 🤍

Ooh!! Anon, these are great questions hehe!! Sure, we can do a get-to-know-me session!

I will answer a couple, and get back to the rest at some point, OK? If there's a question that I didn't answer that y'all are really curious about, you can send me an ask with the number and I'll get to it sooner rather than later.

(P.S. no, none of them are too personal, I just think it'd take me a gajillion years to reply if I tried to answer them all!)

Got long, so the answers are below the cut!

1. which part of SG were you from?

Redhill/Bukit Merah! There's a moment in Merry Crisis where MC talks about it, and that's directly from my life! West side, best side! If me and my partner were entitled to a subsidized public housing flat (we aren't, for so many reasons including we're queer and she's not Singaporean), I'd absolutely buy a flat in the exact same neighbourhood.

2. Fav food

Wow... I can't really choose one, but if I could cheat and pick a whole cuisine then Peranakan food, hands down. Petai (stinky bean) with ikan bilis is one of my fave dishes—and it reminds me of my grandma. Otherwise, ban mian is a big comfort food for me, and so are red chili oil dumplings. I also love kaya toast with eggs for breakfast. Herbal bak kut teh and teochew fish are things I love but wouldn't eat every day... All of these might show up (the fish already has I guess!) in the game at some point!

For non-Singaporean food, I could eat udon, all kinds of pasta, and som tum all day every day.

3. Fav place to lepak

<Lepak is Singaporean/Malaysian(? I think) slang for like, 'chill' or 'hang', btw.> As you can already tell I added a lot of my own experiences/things I love into Merry Crisis already, so I'm going to have to go with Labrador Park and Sentosa. As a kid my mom would bring me and my brother to the rocky coast in Labrador after school with a box of Sarpino's pizza and we'd play in the water and eat and get really sandy. Sentosa back in the day was less commercial/touristy, and we'd just park in the carpark for $2, and spend the entire Sunday just chilling on the beach (yes, I'm a huge beach person haha), and my dad (not a big beach person) would be napping under a big tree probably wishing his wife weren't such a big beach person because it's been inherited by his kids and now this is how he'll spend his weekends for the rest of his life.

6. Where are you based in? 7. Are u still a student or a full-fledged career woman

Have a full-time job, sadly. I've been working as an urban planner in Singapore for three years now. (Think that answers both questions at the same time.) So yeah, I plan the city. Mostly I make sure future generations have enough housing, even though I'm not entitled to one myself. 🤷‍♀️ I enjoy my work and I think it's fulfilling, but it's also tough and my hours are too long. One day I hope to write full-time but I really don't think it'll pay the bills. Maybe if I live somewhere cheaper than Singapore!

Quite excited to answer 8, 9 as well, but maybe those are for another day?

[my-mt-heart]

You never answered the "annoying" anon's question about how if Melissa approved of AMC's statement, location isn't the issue? Fwiw, I don't think you're annoying. That was a rude of them to say. Without you we wouldn't understand half of what's going on behind the curtains.

Looking back, I guess I could've been less "annoying," but thank you haha

"Moving to Europe became logistically untenable" is what Melissa and her team legally agreed to have released, and it's not a lie per se because yes, they agreed to it, but there are a lot of other factors involved that had they been released as well, would paint a very different picture.

Don't forget that when TVLine first broke the news that Melissa was out, they cited a "creative" reason. That didn't come from AMC because 1) their reps would never approve of that. It makes them look bad and 2) we already know they opted for the location reason. However, it would've had to come from another reliable source for it to get published in the first place and there are only a couple people who qualify. The "who" isn't really the point I'm making, though we can all make an educated guess, but there were in fact "creative" reasons too.

[notallwonder]

Alrighty. Here we are. Criminal Minds 16x06, "True Conviction". I've already seen it a couple times now, but I wanted to do one of these anyway.

Spoilers and extremely long play-by-play under the cut.

I'm unreasonably psyched for this

this technobabble doesn't wholly make sense to me. why would GPS matter?

obvs the most recognizable thing about JJ is the symbol of her marriage, great

lmao this is how I know I'm way down the rabbit hole for Paget - when I first saw Garcia's "bring 'em home, Emily" line, my brain helpfully supplied the sound of Arden Myrin's hilarious impression of Peter Pilot's mom Barb crying "Bring her hooooooome, Peter!" iykyk and if you don't, it's very unimportant

the smirk and eyebrow was completely wrong for the moment, yet Incredibly Hot

big style Janeway vibes as the turbolift elevator doors close

wow the jet is schmancy - wall sconces! it's wide enough to accommodate the new aspect ratio!

SUEDE JACKET EMILY

Tara you look so sad. Wish you had a hand to hold, your friends keep getting blowed up

Luke's ALIVE yessss

oh little baby unsub running through the forest....got bopped on the head....

now he's...locked in a cupboard under the stairs? harry potter?

MAC AND CHEESE MOTIF

god I want mac and cheese

I like this bad uncle guy. He's hilarious. Real good crazy eyes.

this really could have been a musical

honestly I think my dad served me that exact meal when I was a kid and my mom was away on business. Except mine also included canned potatoes (disGUSTing)

Emily hugging Luke and like...no shot of her acknowledging JJ? It annoyed me the first time and now it's HILARIOUS. Just...conspicuously avoiding JJ? I love her relief about Alvez (me too Emily!), and she already knew that JJ was up and moving and not dead. But...they had time for that hug and nothing else? FUNNY. CM flew too close to the Jemily Sun with "200" and the long walk back is still ongoing.

I guess if I wanted to watch this with my Jemily goggles... this could fit *very* well with the plot of "Late Bloomer", a lovely fic by angestreet in progress on AO3 (https://archiveofourown.org/works/43418964). ANYWAY - the not touching/having trouble being normal with JJ fits with an Emily who has been putting distance between herself and JJ for complicated emotional reasons she's just starting to understand. Or perhaps an Emily and JJ who have had some sort of personal conflict that we, the audience, were not privy to (see also: the "what ifs and if onlys" conversation in season 13). I mean, I still think it's a conspicuously odd choice on the TV screen, but there's room for some interesting storytelling there.

on the other hand - the flight down there from Quantico is at least 90 minutes. Plenty of time for the folks on the jet to get a phone update from JJ. I think we're led to believe they did NOT have that communication (i.e. the splosion interrupted cell service for a prolonged period), as otherwise why would Emily be palpably relieved about Luke's well-being once she gets eyes on him?

Ponytail Prentiss. Ma'am.

The brief and supportive embrace of JJ from Tara and Rossi? Beautiful. Chef's kiss. Lovely.

LOL this music. Teachin' the kid to lye. (haha im so funny)

So...are we to believe he is conflicted about his serial killer education?

No time for politics, Dougie boy!

ooh I wonder who the Attorney General is. Do you think we'll get to see her? Please be CCH Pounder.

Political pressure and machinations seem to be a theme this season. As I recall, prior CM painted its political villains more as bad individuals (Barnes, Strauss, seemingly Bailey at the start of this season). It does feel like CME is more deliberately placing the BAU in the context of a justice / law enforcement *system* that is corrupted or disturbed by political concerns (and otherwise wonderful and perfect and not at all corrupt in itself). Kind of interesting.

Poor Tyler.

Look! JJ talking directly to Emily! It happened! Not in the same frame, but. I just have to remind myself that these things actually happen.

Can you imagine Prentiss arm wrestling Bailey. She'd wipe the floor with that silly noodle. Her glare is too powerful, forget her arm.

So Bailey's *not* the reason they haven't been using the jet? It's the nebulous "politics"? Vague, but not a huge leap. We've already had Senator Aunt Zelda call back to the way Congress sometimes likes to hold the federal budget hostage to achieve certain ends.

ugh....friends....this should come as no surprise...... i'm so gone for her...... her visage pleases me no end..... (mind filled with spooky echoing whispers of sssmokeshhhow prentisssss)

Acting! Executive realness Emily. And she does trust Tara's ability to do the job, but is cognizant of those "politics" etc.

Tara knows she's staring at a shit sandwich coming her way. Tara, I love you. I'm sorry this is hard.

Tyler: "Some dude gave me my clothes back. Also he took my sick Crocs. I don't get it. Am I getting out of here?"

I like PG's dress.

MOAR HUGS!!!! love that. Whoopsy you hurt Luke's lil injured wrist bb.

JONATHAN DEL ARCO, my MAN. First watch through I did not recognize him but found him compelling. I love that guy. I loved seeing him reprise his role as Hugh in ST: Picard. I love his work here.

Emily is... compassionate in this interview. Doesn't feel adversarial. That look when he says he just wants to die.

Oy, poor JJ. She is stuck in this stupid situation with her business gnome husband where she gets to feel guilty AND almost got blowed up! And Will, please. "I promise to never miss your call ever again." Guys come on - be realistic here! This is So Dumb. I've never been able to hate Will despite the ways their relationship rubs me the wrong way. Because if nothing else, JJ does seem to mostly really like him. I don't get it, girl, but who am I to say? She looks really shaken in this scene. This gives me a bad feeling. I'm a little worried this storyline is going to end in her transferring out of the BAU or retiring or otherwise putting her family above her career in a more decisive way.

Tyler and Penelope... I don't hate it. Pen deserves some lovin' and she's a kind and compassionate soul. Luke adores her and he's better than Tyler in terms of current emotional stability I'd say. But the heart wants what the heart wants and sometimes the heart simply enjoys whatever is on offer. She must have her reasons.

I had to watch this Tara/Emily/Luke scene like 4 times because I couldn't hear the dialogue over everyone's insane BEAUTY. The HAIR. the..um...curves...the brown houndstooth over the navy shirt...Luke was there too...

side note: I hate the AirBnB/Target/IKEA generic-ass photography decorating the FBI offices. Federal offices are boring yes but usually in a more dorky way.

Oh! They are fighting in the Family Room.

Oh, Rebecca you little nightmare. Tara says Reeves is not Sicarius and that's all it takes for you to accuse her of dealing in conspiracy theories? That got my hackles up. FASCINATING. I can't look away.

Again...this plays into that same looming "Politics" business - the people around & in the way of our heroes are motivated by optics, by career ambition, by the *appearance* of justice served and the currency that provides. ...That exchange in episode 1602 or 1603, when Bailey suggests getting Domestic Terrorism involved to make people feel safe and Prentiss replies that that wouldn't make them safe.

This scene with Tara/Emily/Luke is lovely. They've got her back. She's a professional. Emily's reaction like "oof been there".

This interrogation. The tacit communication between Tara and Emily when Tara steps in (hot). The way Tara carefully talks her way to the point. The way Silvio's eyes cut over at "I met this woman" and then he looks away. The way the connection has been made - he does feel seen. He's smart too. And he's spent how many years committed to his path - death for the safety of the man he loved. I really enjoyed this scene.

Y'know Emily is consistently good about acknowledging Penelope's good work. I'm sure that's been true for the whole show, but noticeable here too - in 1603 when she tells PG her idea is really good, and here. Love it.

Oh now that I'm watching it carefully - PG has a whole MOMENT as she opens up about her own grief (unfortunate how many times the word "hole" appeared in this convo but wcyd). His lean in is NOT unwarranted, it's there in her eyes...

new catchphrase "it just makes the hole different"

I like Silvio's novio. I like that he found a way to live free of shame and fear. It does kind of beg the question why he didn't try harder to exonerate Silvio in the intervening years, but let's not dwell.

Rebecca's "I have never not been on your side" okay lady. you were pretty mad earlier and implied your girlfriend and her team were full of shit so... I guess you're a human being! lmao. I hate to see Tara back-footed like this but this is juicy.

oh hello hottie. Emily Prentiss, the way you sit in a chair.

Paget's delivery of "I'm not quite following" is hilarious. hashtag relatable.

So "family is what gets you killed". Family as weakness, as vulnerability. I don't doubt that over the next few episodes we'll get more rebuttal to that notion from our heroes, a la "we're a family and that's our strength."

These episodes really don't stand up on their own. They work better together. Can't wait for the next one.

[echoes-lighthouse]

I know next to nothing about Kin stuff so I am super curious 🐾🤝💚?

Thank you for asking!!

Honestly I'm probably not as educated as I should be on the whole thing but I really like talking to people who experience kin identities about it one-on-one, since it's such a personal experience. But at the same time, efforts to consolidate those experiences and find common threads between them is equally interesting!

Okay these ones I can do without putting them under a read more!! They're the ones I'm kind of confident with, haha

🐾: What are your kintype(s)?

Spiralkin (or labyrinthkin), dollkin, and fictionkin! (someone will have to ask separately for my fictionkinlist, THAT one I'm embarrassed about again >.> )

Fictionkin is the general term for folks who are kin with a fictional character, btw! I feel like the ask game was more centered towards non-fictionkin otherkin, so I'm trying to focus on my nonhuman kins for my answers, for... some reason? To honor my interpretation of the author's intent of the ask game, I guess?

🤝: When did you first hear about the kin community?

I grew up with people who shared a lot of my experiences and we came up with our own terminology for something similar or adjacent to what people in the kin community are talking about!

However, I first came into the kin community at the edges of my high school friendgroup: they were very tumblr centric and there were a couple folks who walked the line between furry and otherkin and talked about their experiences with the overlap and distinctions between those communities, so I heard about it secondhand from them!

💚: What’s your favorite thing about your kintype?

It feels like a way to understand myself? I like that it's a different way to exist in the world. Both of my non-character kintypes are inanimate (labyrinths and dolls) so it's a radically different experience of space, time, and existence. It's kind of nice to take a break from a world where emotions are so messily tied into nerves and synapses and chemical releases and reuptakes, and remember/imagine a self that feels things more abstractly.

[zentloper-xmas]

Season’s Greetings! I’m writing to you in a frantic state because right now it feels like I have 17 million things on my to-do list and, like the Lernaean Hydra, every time I knock one off it, two more appear in its place! @0@

I guess that begs the question: What have we been up to this past year? Well, besides a beach trip to Corpus Christi, Ren Faire in Bastrop, hike in Dripping Springs, backpacking trip to Lost Maples, enjoying time with my brother’s family and Neil’s parents over Easter, marching on the Capitol for Trans rights, Furry convention in Houston, kayaking the river in Austin, video game convention in Austin, another beach trip to Galveston, seeing the botanical gardens in San Antonio, a visit to Knott’s Scary Farm in Anaheim (CA), another camping trip in Cameron, running our spooky garage walkthrough for Halloween, another Furry convention in San Antonio during the solar eclipse, visiting Neil’s sister and her newborn in Black Hawk (CO), another Ren Faire in Houston, and loads and loads of karaoke/dancing.

The lattermost of those is informed by the fact that we found ourselves a nice little social group based in the Austin/Central Texas area that hosts numerous fun get-togethers several times a month. In fact, the kayaking you see on the enclosed photo was one of said events! It’s an LGBTQ+ group, and I don’t think we’ve ever felt quite as “at home” in Texas as we find ourselves now. Amazing what a sense of belonging will do for a person! And for a couple. In a lot of ways, the events feel like “date nights,” especially when we dress up for the occasion. We’ve become a lot closer emotionally as a result, which has been simply wonderful. <3

Another wonderful thing Neil and I have been doing is book clubbing! We’ve been reading books on various topics that interest us a chapter at a time, taking notes and convening in the evenings to discuss and share our thoughts. We’re both pretty intellectually curious individuals, and it’s additionally illuminating to explore one anothers’ viewpoints and perspectives on the topics. In particular we’ve found our noses in a lot of LGBTQ+ and adjacent books. (I hope you won’t mind if I recommend a couple at the end of this letter!)

I’ve been getting big into advocacy this year. I’m a founding member of the DEI (Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion) Group at my work, and monthly I contribute an article to the Employee Newsletter. If you haven’t gotten enough of my prattling on with this letter, feel free to give them a read:

https://www.linkedin.com/in/rick-zentler-529005147/recent-activity/articles/ Mostly they highlight important LGBTQ+ holidays and their importance to the community, to help raise awareness about marginalized and/or misunderstood groups.

I’ve gotten to get up on stage and give speeches at a couple LGBTQ+ pageants, which are judged also on an interview, costuming, and a performance (guess which of those is my fave, haha). In November I was selected as the winner! How cool is that? I’m hoping to do a lot more educational talks/panels/workshops in 2024 now that I’m an official Titleholder for Central Texas. It’s exciting to not only share my passion with others, but to be recognized for my efforts.

When we last left our intrepid heroes, they were attempting to line up surrogacy. We jointly agreed to press the pause button on that, as Neil decided to “return to school” to get his degree– quotes there because it’s all virtual and paid for by his employer! Definite win! It’s a bit of a juggling act for him to be working full-time and schooling part-time though, plus our new social commitments and time dedicated to one another… adding a newborn on top of that did not seem like the wisest plan. We’ll reassess in a couple years’ time once his degree is complete. The hope is that it will open some doors for him professionally, since well, babies are expensive (especially when you have to “rent a uterus,” LOL).

I think that just about wraps up what’s been going on on our end. Now to get wrapping presents!

We hope this year has brought you as much joy as it has us!

Rick & Neil

Book Recs:

Ace: What Asexuality Reveals about Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex by Angela Chen

Delusions of Gender: How Our Minds, Society, and Neurosexism Create Difference by Cordelia Fine

[bubblegumbitch143]

I just saw your reblog and while I do agree with your opinion , it's hard to stand a ground esp when it comes to something as complicated as sports. With hormone therapy it's hard to guess the long term effects it has on subduing or increasing a particular range of physio related chemicals since there's a lack of proper reports. As an athlete even if you do train your lower and your upper body just the same as that of cis people of your gender after transitioning , your bone density and muscle mass does remain indifferent in the long term. Anyways ! I'm not trying to turn this into a debate and you were very civil haha , it was nice to actually get to know abt what the other side thinks since there's a lack of education over topics like these so thank u so much!

No worries, I'm glad I could help provide some insight. I suggest (if you're interested) to check out some sources like the American Psychological Association which has done studies and has a couple articles about Trans Adolescent and Adult participation in sports. I'll link some below!

As far as long term effects of hormone therapy, yes, there aren't as many studies but that's mainly due to the lack of funding and support. With anti-queer legislation being passed, its difficult to get grants for these kinds of studies.

I understand you don't want to turn this into a debate, so I wont go on too much longer.

Here are a couple articles

[perpetual-fool]

Why am I like this?

The complicated and emotionally charged issue is going to have the same mechanism as the simple one that doesn't really matter. So, simple example: multi-scale fretless bass. Fretless seems like a good idea because of intonation. Multi-scale is a good idea because something something string tension. Strings aren't so floppy, it sounds better, and the difference in finger spacing might actually be more ergonomic. The potential drawback is that since the finger spacing isn't regular it would be confusing to figure out where you're supposed to put your fingers. Although in my own testing it seems like I have to contort my grip to fit the standard parallel spacing in the first place.

So then I go looking to see if the thing exists, 'cause it should if it's a good idea. Technically it does, but only as custom work. So it's not a good idea? Why not? So I check out any posts I can find on it and there's stuff like "Seems like it would be kind of a mind fuck to figure out haha". My impression now is that this person doesn't know what they're talking about. They have a shallow, naive view of the situation, and possibly the complexity of thinking it through is too much for them to handle. Or there could be some kind of social bullshit going on. But, I trust myself more now. Or at least, I trust the judgment of others less. Not that long ago, I would think I must be wrong about my observation of having to contort my grip, and the implication that a fanned spacing would line up with the fingers better. But that's because I just assumed I was always wrong. That's an issue I've had, but not the one I'm trying to figure out.

Young A***** would have, hypothetically, take that thing that was said to be absolutely true. more or less. And then if something contradicted it, they would insist that the new thing was wrong and their thinking would lock up. I'm afraid that that's actually how I am. But if it was then I wouldn't feel bad about it. I think, the impulse to resist new ideas is me, and probably normal. The locking up is not. Nor is taking things to be absolute. And those are different issues. I know I've locked up on my own ideas before, which I wasn't certain of. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't listen. But the other issue is easier, it's just what I was taught. For context, when things are phrased absolutely, it's as 'this is the way it is'. Non-absolute would be prefaced with 'I think', 'supposedly', 'apparently', whatever. I've had a couple people tell me they really don't mean things that way. It's possible that more or less everyone else is taught growing up that uncertainty is assumed. Though they would have had to learned it at home. The American education system really doesn't work like that. And religion really doesn't fucking work like that.

~We want, the truth, give us the absolute

What did happen at home? And I guess with other kids, when the system wasn't bearing down on me itself. I know this isn't really accurate anymore, memory being fallible and all. But what I recall, is being constantly bullied and berated for saying the wrong things, doing the wrong things, feeling the wrong things, being the wrong things. The only things that were acceptable were things other people pushed me into. And if I didn't read their mind and do them the right way then that was wrong too. And I don't have a word for this, people would impose things on me. 'You're not paying attention', 'that's an excuse', 'you should because I said so'. I think there were countless little things that people would probably consider completely acceptable. Like, I think there was probably an incident of my sister saying I was showing off for my girlfriend. accusing me of 'showing off'. Whatever I was and whatever I was doing, no I wasn't, I was showing off. And I'd really believe that, and it would cause horrible cognitive dissonance, and.. I'd lock up. Is that what causes it? It's obvious with things like "you just want..", but what about that stupid bracelet thing? She'd said she never takes it off, I thought it would get gross, and she said no, she showers with it. Why did I lock up on that?

I was afraid. Of what? Ostensibly, 'rejection', but that's not really right. That hurts but it's something else. Beratement? That generally goes along with it, but no. There are times I've been chastised and didn't feel like it mattered. Punishment? Not that either. The belt never gave me that feeling, honestly. It's the same feeling I got if I was crying about something and was threatened with "I'll give you something to cry about". I guess, being emotionally vulnerable and then having someone hurt me specifically because of it. I don't know what to call that. I'm sorry I was too afraid to just be a decent fucking human being. I'm sorry I was never strong enough to deal with that. Though I was right to be afraid. Every time I tried to reach out to anyone, build some connection, some understanding, it came back wrong. People would inevitably respond in some incompatible way that gave me cognitive dissonance. And I'd try to clarify but it never worked. Sometimes they'd even argue with me. I got more cautious over the years as it kept happening. At this point I know there's two visible things necessary for genuine understanding that other people don't bother with: rephrasing and confirmation. Not that you'd have to do that constantly, only when someone notices that things are off. I didn't know how to phrase it then, but that's why it seems like I'm the only one who can tell whether someone is actually trying to understand. Although now I think that 'understand' just means something different for me. And again, this is all a matter of circumstance. I've had times when someone didn't understand and it was just annoying. Lots of these instances are things people would think totally innocent. For instance, when I shared about using Linux and you said something like 'when did you turn into a hipster?'. You didn't hurt me much, but you frightened me quite a lot. I was so afraid that I didn't even engage enough to get hurt, mostly. I wish I would have. Maybe if we'd had some big fight and you'd lashed out at me then, well, I wouldn't still be thinking that maybe it could've worked if I'd done something different.

~I only wish you weren't my friend, then I could hurt you in the end

Although I did manage to ask just a little bit a couple times. You have a thing about gluten, right? 'Doctor says so' really didn't explain it. And you never told me where you were getting the 'hate' from. I suspect that was because I was still operating on the same mechanisms I'd learned as a Christian. With that and the experience I've had with others, I should really think that things only would've gotten worse if I'd really been able to open up. It probably seems like I did, and it did. But that stuff was rather shallow, honestly. Personal, but shallow. Aside, you should have told me when I was doing things that bothered you, that wasn't good for either of us. Though maybe you thought you did, in which case, you're not that great with neurodivergent people. But, I should think that I was just naive. If what we were was friends, then you were the first real friend I had. To just be there, to just listen to me, was enough for me to trust you deeply. And that's not enough, ya' know? But if there was any of me you really saw, it was then. And maybe I don't know who you are anymore. And maybe I never did. But I still believe in that girl. And I hope she's doing well. I hope my memory doesn't bother her anymore. I wish I could have made her happy.

This was not supposed to turn into another post about her. But, letting my mind wander seems to be what helps the most right now. What was the point again? What the fuck was wrong with me, right. That was: assuming I'm wrong, taking things absolutely, and locking up. And notably the last one, which is what turned me into a fucking zombie. It was for fear of being hurt, though there's a little more to it than that. And getting hurt happened quite a lot. Ostensibly the getting hurt was mostly because of my neurodivergence: a difference in understanding and lack of affective empathy. And to clarify, because part of my stupid brain thinks she might read this, lack of empathy does not mean I don't care. I have to actively avoid hearing about people's troubles because it hurts so much. I just have no idea what people are feeling unless they directly tell me. And I'm not going to respond right because I'm not feeling what others are expressing. And no, I didn't see you reaching out. I'm sorry I can't just be normal.

While I'm the one who's different, I don't feel that I'm actually the problem. I'm tempted to say 'blah blah logical communication something something', but I think it's really the other one. It's the understanding. Like, it never made sense to me that it should be difficult to understand neurodivergent people. We may react to, experience, or express things differently, but logic is logic. The same processes are there, just with the variables shuffled around. Well, okay maybe not all the processes are there. But people should still be able to follow the reasoning. Even if there's a situation where my words and actions are telling you one thing, but my face is telling you another (you think), you should be able to think 'wait, this doesn't add up' and reevaluate until you reach an explanation that does. If nothing else, if you think you understand but I tell you you don't, that shouldn't add up. But not only is that not a problem, people will argue with me about it. So, it just can't be the same thing. My 'understanding' is something different than yours. I've had some thoughts about what the difference has to be, but there's really nothing to be done. Even if I didn't have an reason I know that just from trying. It's not anyone's fault.

I didn't get to choose how I am, I'm sure you didn't either. I'd rather be stupid if it meant I could be happy. Which implies that you're stupid, and that isn't really what I mean, I just don't have a better word for it. I would give up everything I value about myself if it meant I could love and be loved. But I guess that's how happiness is. Happiness is the only real goal, everything else is just a means to that end. Ironically, giving up on love and companionship seems to be the only way I'll have any happiness. Otherwise I'll never get past.. all of the above. There's no way past 'sorry' but to not be sorry. Nothing I can do will ever be enough.

~And now that I've tried everything, I'll numb the pain 'til I am made of stone

- (cw: alcohol, suicide) (I'm drunk so I'm sharing too much)

I don't think drinking is really helping me much at this point. It helps me relax, but that's not really what my problem is right now. Currently it's not "fucking kill yourself you stupid piece of shit", it's "I'm sorry, please kill me". If I drink enough it would make me totally numb, more or less, but I can't do that right now. With one of the medications I'm on it'll make me sick if I have three drinks instead of two. Made me nauseous one night, hours afterwards. Byproducts I guess, 'hangover' chemicals. Then I got dizzy when I got up to go to the bathroom, got worse on my way there. I almost made it. I mean, I got in, but I fell when I got there. Cut my eyebrow where the counter knocked my glasses off.

It's bullshit that the side-effects last so much longer than being drunk. Being inebriated lasts a couple hours at most, hangover ruins the whole day. Usually I don't have a problem with it. Usually four drinks is my absolute maximum, that would start to make me feel sick by itself, but that wouldn't leave me hungover. First time it was actually a problem I had been maintaining a buzz all night. Parents were out of town, giving me a very rare break. I remember sautéing fresh sugar snap peas from the garden. I watched Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon and House of Flying Daggers. I think I watched something about the moon landing too, I remember talking at the TV and telling von Braun he's a piece of shit. And I watched one of The Mummy films, the one set in China. It wasn't good. But right when I was finally ready to go to bed, it felt like I got suddenly hit with a bad flu. I spent at least an hour sitting on the bathroom floor willing myself not to throw up.

The second time was when I tried drinking myself unconscious. That was after the thing with Hans and Ash. Hans was a childhood friend, he was the last person from my old life I tried connecting with, and the last person I really really trusted. And Ash his girlfriend. He gave me my tattoo, which was mostly meant to remind me that I finally had a real friend, for which I purposefully got it somewhere visible. But there was an incident. There was something that caused my feelings to completely overwhelm me, because I was trying to just suppress everything. And I sent an inappropriate message to someone. They never received it, which I guess gives me a tiny bit of solace. I told my friends about it, since I was stressed out of my mind over it. And they just told me that I was bad. Which I already knew, 'cause I acted on my feelings, and my feelings are bad. I needed them to explain it to me, but they just told me I was wrong. That was the second worst pain I've ever felt. I vaguely recalled a thing thing off 4chan years ago, from when community was less inane and the moderation less strict. Supposedly, if you hang yourself with a knot that'll slip, gets tighter when pressure's put on it, it'll knock you unconscious in seconds. Ya' know, a blood choke. So I tied a knot I thought would slip, even tried adding wax to lubricate it, and then drank until I couldn't stay awake. But it didn't slip. I woke up awkwardly hanging from my doorknob with half a shot of bourbon sitting next to me. And that morning I got a message from Emily, to whom I had donated everything in my bank account, and that completely derailed things. If nothing else I know to round off whatever I give people so it doesn't look suspicious. And I hope she's doing alright. I had to stop following her blog 'cause it hurt seeing her situation but being unable to do anything to help. Anyway, the hangover wasn't much to speak of, I just felt kind of sick all day. Although I did test whether 'trying' to not throw up actually makes a difference, by just letting whatever happened happen instead of willing it not to. It didn't make any difference.

(https://youtu.be/q8djXmsu53k)

[forbidding-souda]

can you do headcanons or imagines for kazuichi, mondo, hajime, and gundham with a fem reader whos a foreign exchange student from latin america?

Kazuichi Souda, Mondo Oowada, Hajime Hinata, and Gundham Tanaka with a girlfriend who's a foreign exchange student from Latin America headcanons

"He said when he lived in Japan, a funny thing is sometimes he talked in Spanish with his Columbian friends, some locals nearby got surprised at their “crazily fast English”, and when he said “eigo jyanai, nanigo datoomoimasika?”(It’s not English, guess what language it is), often the answer was “French!” ^^" - random quora user

currently listening: creep show by plastique noir

playlist: joker

-Mod Souda

Kazuichi Souda

❤ Almost nobody at Hope's Peak were from places outside of Japan, of course Sonia was in his class, so there was at least one.

❤ When you first spoke Spanish/Portuguese/French he just thought it was intense English.

❤ It was an immediate recognition that you were not from the US - he meets a lot of people from the US and you behaved a little differently. He could recognize that there was a different aura and culture to you.

❤ He is completely willing to learn about your culture - he tried learning about Sonia's culture much to her dismay.

❤ Oh my god I imagine once he learns what country you're from he'd probably loudly play music from it and when you're like oh!! he'd be like "oh yeah nothing much just music I totally casually listen to all the time haha do you know this stuff?"

❤ Tries to impress you by knowing random facts about your culture (just like me fr).

❤ He also loves showing you thing about Japan - it makes him feel smart.

❤ The tries couple of dates you two go on can be going to iconic places in Japan.

❤ Sometimes if you feel nice enough you'll pretend to be 100% clueless as he teaches you how to do things like use chopsticks.

❤ In terms of Mexico and Chicano culture, there is this region of Nagoya (which is actually like a two hour transit ride from the place where Hope's Peak is) that has a lowrider scene. Him being a mechanic, he probably goes down there are helps with the cars all the time. He knows a bit about specifically Chicano culture from what he's seen from the Japanese people who commit to the lifestyle of it.

❤ He'd like merengue.

❤ Colombian Spanish? Calls you hermosita.

❤ Would try to learn how to compliment you or something from the Japanese-Brazilians he always interacts with and somebody would tell him to say some like és jeitosa.

.

Mondo Oowada

❤ He heard of you before he saw you. Somebody who isn't Japanese? What a trip - he wonders if Celestia would be jealous of you. But then you walked in, and he was like, that is not a British woman (it's French but he doesn't care that much). He doesn't become too intrigued right off the bat but he is impressed at your distinct individuality.

❤ Anything you want him to know will have to be something you tell him directly. He doesn't have the time (yes he does - he pretends he doesn't) to educate himself, plus, he uses it as his excuse to get closer to you. Basically, he wants to learn about your culture but will play hard-to-get. The logic is a little off but.

❤ If you get mad at him then he will just brush you off, not talk to you for like a solid school day before trying to talk you again like nothing happened.

❤ Seriously though he gets so loud with you and so overruling (it's just how he acts around girls he likes >.>).

❤ His only experience with Latin America is just the amount of friends he has who are into Chicano culture - that's it.

❤ What he does vaguely know about LatAm is the music - he hears it around quite often.

❤ He was a bit stereotype-y just because all he knows about LatAm is the popular things that his friends are into. He asks about things like the dances of your country and if you know them, he assumes your personality is similar to his.

❤ His voice would be so sexy in Spanish/Portuguese I am so sorry but.

❤ *Spanish version of chick and dude*

❤ "Hola guapa, te invito un trago."

❤ "Very impressive, Mondo."

❤ Would he refer to girls as chica?

❤ For the Portuguese speakers "você é gostosa".

❤ Sorry I just really like the idea of him learning your countries national language for you.

❤ ^ shit like mozão would just be so.

❤ Sorry I like learning things about languages.

.

Hajime Hinata

❤ Hope's Peak Academy student? He was so jealous of you. You only proved that there is versatility to the selection of students they have - but they still won't accept him? Why can't he be special, like you? It seems unfair.

❤ ^ He watches you out of everybody else. He can spot you in the crowd easily - he's trained his eye to catch you. You're so much more beautiful than everybody else (it almost makes him more jealous).

❤ Reserve Course student? You must be equally as passionate as him if you're coming from Latin America to be apart of this community. Still, you could almost be competition (he tries not to think this way, but out of the two of you you are the unique one - unique enough to get into Hope's Peak).

❤ The way he'd develop feelings for you is solely through your uniqueness.

❤ He'd try to learn more about you, whether this is for the intention of becoming friends or simply being infatuated with you, who knows. Either or. Pick your poison.

❤ He didn't know much about Latin America. The education doesn't say much about LatAm in the first place - plus he never really thought to look into it.

❤ Okay but Hajime salsa dancing with you (Cuban or otherwise)!! It would go so hard. Out of everyone in this group of character you chose I feel as if Hajime would be most willing.

❤ In Tokyo where you go to school together there are menus with Spanish on them - when you first came to Japan you were very surprised!

❤ "Hola, guapa." "Hola, guapo." *brain halts he did not teach himself how to respond*

.

Gundham Tanaka

❤ He loves meeting people from other cultures - it's mainly why he got so close to Sonia so fast. He loves different countries and their nature and their habitats - but not more than he loves the different people. He's met so many polite people over the years. Are you like them? He wants to find out.

❤ Except he's really socially awkward and doesn't really understand how to talk to people. He'll try his best, but his attempts at getting to know you are more centered around you learning about him.

❤ He'll show you random things about animals - literally random, like coming up to you out of nowhere to tell you things.

❤ He's trying to make you think he's interesting. Which he is!

❤ He'd be more knowledgable about Latin America than the average Japanese person because of native animals, I assume. He probably knows a bunch about different cultures and customs just from researching their animals and how the animals are treated.

❤ I imagine he's been to almost every country ever. He's probably visited the one you're from - else somebody from your country has came to visit him.

❤ When he realizes you're from LatAm (and that you're beautiful asf) he like quickly scrolls through his blog to refresh his memory on things he naturally knows about it.

❤ In terms of folk - Colombian pollo maligno - it's like the only one he remembers.

❤ Asks you if you've ever seen a capybara before.

❤ "Minha querida minha querida."

❤ In terms of Portuguese he calls you namorada properly.

[katy-l-wood]

Its kinda crazy how youve slowly become the ‘climate disaster’ person on my dashboard. I saw someone else post about a fire in their state and for a second i thought ‘oh shit katy’s getting it again?’

Haha, it is indeed becoming my brand, isn't it?

You know, it's funny. I really got back into all of this in 2020, primarily because of the East Troublesome Fire, but it's not a NEW thing for me. I very distinctly remember, back in Middle School, we had a "write whatever you want" creative writing assignment in English. I wrote about a tornado hitting the school and trapping us all in the gym (somehow without teachers). This, frankly, confused my English teacher because no one else wrote a story remotely like that so she couldn't figure out who to pair me up with for critique.

Anyways, at some point over the couple weeks of that assignment I remember, very specifically, standing in my garage and thinking about the story and thinking "one day, I'm going to be a famous author who writes about fictional disasters. I'm going to write one book about each kind of disaster. One tornado, one fire, one earthquake, etc.."

And now, I'm doing all this fire education stuff, and I'm also about to go out on sub with my YA wildfire novel that my agent is SUPER excited for. Guess Middle School me knew what was up.

Though, on the other hand, a year later in science class we had to write a science paper but as a narrative. So I wrote about my friends and I stealing a schoolbus and driving it to Yellowstone when it started to erupt because we lived in Colorado and figured we were dead anyway. Got in trouble for that one because it was "alarming."

You win some you lose some.

[degrassi-fanatic]

fangirling

Your fic, Forgive Me For All I Could Not Become, is the best fanfiction I have ever read. The writing is perfection, the scenes so satisfying, and it is exactly what I want in a fic; so good that I forget it's not actually canon or literature. Usually with hotchreid fics, it's a bit of suspended disbelief because Hotch & Reid weren't written to be a couple on the show but your characterizations are so on point that it literally feels like it happened. I was having a conversation on tumblr about whether reid or hotch was more of a rule follower; i was literally about to cite how Reid threw away his gun and talked to Anna about his & Hotch's relationship as an example of Reid not following orders... but then I remembered that was from your fic and didn't actually happen in the show! And I adore how you characterize Hotch & Reid's relationship, the dynamic feels perfectly natural. I would absolutely love it if you wrote any more Hotchreid fics, especially angsty ones where Hotch is initially walled off and Reid has a bit of desperation to him because I feel like those are the characterizations that really made me believe these were the real characters. Even if you don't do cm fics anymore, I just wanted to thank you. Your fic is a big reason why I'm still watching the show and it has just made my day so many times.

haha that's so kind! thank you! as a token of my appreciation, here's a little fic, it's not as angsty as i wanted but i wanted to whip up smth quick since u helped me get over a bad day

In the beginning, when the ache of losing Gideon was still fresh, Reid had kept the letter folded up in the inner pocket of his messenger bag. It served as a steady reminder that if he could live through one of the worst days of his personal life, there was nothing in this world that could make him falter. 

Over the years, the thought of Gideon’s departure no longer left him debilitated. It had been shoved in the furthest crevice of his mind. He no longer needed his crutch and thus, the letter was left to collect dust in the back of his drawer. 

On the rare occasions Reid had allowed himself to think of Gideon, it was only ever in passing, in brief memories he would forcefully dissipate before he could dwell on them. 

Until now. 

He’s not entirely sure where this incessant need to read the letter once more has come from. All he knows is that Hotch had said something that rang familiar and he would not rest until he could ascertain the exact source of where he had heard it first. 

*

It had been a long case but, then again, with the BAU, when was it not? The team had once again managed to catch the killer in a bittersweet victory. This man, Travis Cotter, had snubbed newly-wedded couples of their happily ever after because he could not have his, not when the woman of his dreams had died after a long, agonizing battle with a terminal illness. 

The concept of happy endings had been heavily weighing on Reid’s mind ever since he first heard the phrase in the police station that would continue to be used to describe aspects of the case. 

Once again, the idea had drawn his attention and Reid found himself abandoning the crossword puzzle in his lap. Across from him, Hotch was compartmentalizing the events of the case through menial paperwork like always. 

Before he could stop himself, words fell out of his mouth.

“Do you believe in happy endings?”

The pen in Hotch’s hand came to an abrupt stop. 

For a moment, Reid thought Hotch would ignore him and not entertain the conversation at hand. 

Then, quietly as he was afraid of being heard, he answered.

“I didn’t for a long time,” he answers without meeting Reid’s eyes, “Now, I do.”

His response puzzled Reid a bit. If he were to make an educated guess, he would have posited that after the loss of Haley, happy endings were the last things Hotch would believe in. 

“That’s funny,” Reid mumbles, unwilling to speak louder as if afraid to scare Hotch away, “It’s usually the opposite for people.”

Hotch’s pen begins to write once more and Reid feels a pang of disappointment run through him as he realizes the moment is over before it could even truly begin. 

“I guess I found it,” he responds, “That belief in happy endings.”

*

Hotch’s answer had confused him greatly but it had also made him ponder, thinking about where he had heard those words before. 

Drawing a deep breath, Reid gives himself a moment before he tugs open the top drawer of his dresser. He rifles through the socks and undergarments before making contact with a flimsy, cool, creased piece of paper. 

Unfolding it without any further delay, he scans the contents of the page within half a minute. 

The first time Reid had read the letter, all those years ago in Gideon’s cabin, his eyes had been unfocused and blurry with tears. He was incapable of analysing each detail of the letter. 

Now, after the sharp pain in his chest has eased down into a delicate thrum, he’s able to find discrepancies on the paper. 

Gideon’s penmanship was, for a lack of a better word, odd. His proficiency in handwriting analysis had excused it at first; atypical script could be attributed to a number of factors including the onslaught of emotions that can occur after committing to a major life decision. 

However, there was no factor that could account for the slight consistent smudge of ink in all of the words, going from left to right. An occurrence that only happens when the individual writing is left-handed, which Gideon was definitely not. 

The only left-handed person on the team was Hotch.

The more Reid thinks about it, the more he realizes how much it makes sense. 

Gideon was never one for sentiment, no matter the occasion. There was no chance he would’ve written him a letter in an attempt to absolve Reid of any guilt or to reassure Reid’s abandonment issues that his departure had nothing to do with Reid. 

It also answers the question that has been rattling around in Reid’s head over the years; why Hotch had never gotten a letter. 

After all, Hotch was once Gideon’s student as well. He knew him for longer than Reid and unlike his and Gideon’s relationship, theirs was given the opportunity to blossom into an equal partnership. For all intents and purposes, Hotch was deserving of a letter just as much as Reid. 

The only difference was that Hotch never needed one, not the way Reid did. 

It makes Reid feel like a fool.

How did he possibly believe that Jason Gideon of all people would write a letter for him and him only? 

The realization that Gideon never even thought of him during one of the tumultuous times in his life, that he didn’t care (at least not enough, not when it mattered) leaves him with only the tattered pieces of himself. It hurt more than the initial loss of Gideon because at least then he was able to soothe himself with the reassurances that he was given a goodbye, something the others were not privy to. 

Apparently, they were not privy to it because they had no need of it, Reid thought to himself bitterly. 

The forged letter was a confirmation of Hotch’s thoughts on him; that he deemed him a pathetic mess that needed to be pacified with lies. 

He doesn’t give himself a moment to think why Hotch’s poor opinion hurts more than Gideon’s lack of goodbye. 

*

Not bothering with a courtesy knock, Reid lets himself into Hotch’s office silently with the letter clutched tightly in his hand. 

He offers no reaction to the half-hearted glare Hotch sends his way as he closes the door behind him and makes his way over to the desk. 

Ignoring Hotch's questioning looks, Reid places the letter down atop of the mountain of paperwork. 

“‘The belief I had when I first met Sarah and it all seemed so right.’” Reid recites while staring at Hotch, “‘The belief in happy endings.’”

Even with Reid’s skill in profiling, had he not known Hotch for years and had he not been searching, he wouldn’t have been able to detect any changes in his microexpressions. 

The only confirmation he has of Hotch’s guilt is the slight downward quirk of the side of his mouth. 

“Gideon never wrote the letter.” he says, “You did.”

“Spencer—”

He offers no room for Hotch to plead his case as he begins to walk out of the office. Before he can wrench open the door, he stops. 

“Next time, if you think I’m pathetic, you can just tell me,” Reid says, his voice breaking slightly, “You don’t have to create an elaborate charade.”

*

For the rest of the day, Reid avoids Hotch as much as he can without arousing suspicion. The others don’t seem to notice and if they do, they certainly don’t let it show. 

It seems as though his plan of never speaking to Hotch unless necessary is going to work until the workday comes to an end. 

Seeing as it’s a Friday, the others had filed out of the office as quickly as possible, eager to do whatever it is that they deem fun, while Reid has stayed back for a few more minutes to complete some last minute edits on some reports. 

He was about to sign off on the report when a shadow cast itself over the white paper from behind him. 

Closing his eyes for a mind, Reid attempts to gather strength for this confrontation. 

He turns around in his swivel chair to face Hotch, who has car keys and briefcase in hand. 

“C’mon,” Hotch says with a tilt of his head, “Why don’t I give you a lift back home?”

Reaching down, Reid picks up his messenger bag and puts it on before jumping out of his chair. 

“No, thank you.” he answers curtly, “I don’t make it a habit to carpool with men that lie to me for years.”

Before Reid can push past Hotch and make his exit, he finds his wrist caught in Hotch’s hand, causing Reid to stumble into the other man.

He’s thrown off-guard by how close they’re standing, almost nose to nose. 

“Just…” Hotch mumbles as he uses their minute height difference to look down at him, “Let me explain.”

His eyes stray from Hotch’s and he finds himself staring intensely at the other man’s tie. 

“I don’t need an explanation.” he responds, “All I need to know is that you thought I was pathetic and that I was in desperate need of an emotional crutch so, I’d still be an asset to this team.

“I know enough, Hotch.”

Tugging his hand away, Reid attempts to free himself of Hotch’s grasp but the other man doesn’t waver. His fingers are still firmly wrapped around Reid’s wrist, keeping him in place. 

“No, you don’t, Spencer.” Hotch says.

For a moment, he doesn’t say anything and Reid can see the gears turning in his head. 

Then,

“Jason took you for granted.” 

“What—”

“He took you for granted,” Hotch repeats, swallowing hard, “Not purposefully but, he did.”

Reid found himself blinking owlishly as he tries to keep up with the conversation at hand. He opens his mouth to respond but Hotch shares a look with him, asking him to stay silent until he’s done speaking. 

“You were… young.” Hotch continues, “The same age as Stephen, and Gideon, well, he treated you as a son but offered no comfort to that of a father. I know your relationship was complicated but it wasn’t right that he allowed you to become a surrogate for his own son, knowing fully well he was unable to return the favour.

“He knew all of this and still chose to leave the way he did… and I knew it would hurt you, so I brought it upon myself to ease the pain as much as I could.”

Reid searched his face for any sign of deception. He hates himself for it, for needing to check. It was a habit that he had adopted after the truth of Prentiss’s death was revealed, after he became aware of just how well Hotch could lie when the situation calls for it. 

“You thought I couldn’t handle it?” he whispers, sounding so unsure, feeling as young as he was when Gideon abandoned him.

Hotch shook his head.

“No, I knew you could handle it.” he asserts, “I just didn’t want you to have to.”

The office fell into a deafening silence. It was an admission, that Reid was sure of, but an admission of what? 

Licking his lips, Reid finally allows himself to look at Hotch’s face. 

“Why?”

“Can’t I keep this one secret to myself?” Hotch asks. 

His question answers Reid’s own. He doesn’t need any more confirmation. 

Ever since Hotch had become Unit Chief, his marriage with Haley had been on the rocks. At first, Haley had been forgiving, as much as a woman in her difficult position was allowed to be, but Reid had seen through the facade she was painfully trying to put on whenever she visited the BAU. 

Unfortunately, Hotch was not as observant, or more accurately, he was too close to the situation to determine what was going on. 

Haley always loved Hotch, before and after their divorce. It was, however, the unpleasant truth that she had fallen out of love with him shortly after Jack was born and she had come to the conclusion that even their son was not enough to pull Hotch away from his desk. 

Reid just didn’t know that Hotch had also fallen out of love at the same time. Then again, he was too close to the situation as well. 

“You loved me.” he confesses, “That’s why you wrote it.”

(Is it really a confession if it’s not yours to confess?)

Reid waits for the onslaught of denial and rejection. He waits for Hotch to begin asking how on Earth Reid came to the conclusion. He waits for him to begin shouting at him for questioning his loyalty to Haley. 

It never comes. 

“Love.” Hotch corrects, “I love you. Present. Not past tense.”

Well, Reid wasn’t preparing for that. 

“Oh,” he squeaks out, tucking a tuft of hair behind his ear with his free hand, “That’s nice.”

His gaze falls on Hotch’s tie once more. He hears Hotch let out a soft chuckle and he turns many shades of red. 

“What?” he hears Hotch tease, “You think I wouldn’t stay in love with you?”

Mutely, Reid keeps his eyes on the other man’s tie and shakes his head. 

Hotch lets go of his wrist and Reid can’t help but feel disappointed until he feels a hand trail up to cup his jaw. His mind barely registers the sound of something hitting the floor before he feels another hand rest on his shoulder. 

The blush on his face intensifies. Now, it was Reid’s turn to laugh, albeit in nervousness. 

When Hotch leans in for a kiss, Reid can do nothing but allow him. He suppresses the urge to yelp when Hotch’s lips part his own open, making room for his tongue to explore Reid’s mouth. His knuckles grow white as he grasps the strap of his bag in both of his hands. 

It takes him a moment before he begins to reciprocate but when he does, he lets go of his bag at once and slides his hands around Hotch’s neck. Hotch’s own drop down to wrap around his waist, so tightly that he nearly puts a bend in Reid’s spine. 

As Hotch moves back to end the kiss, Reid attempts to chase his mouth and lets out a needy noise when he has to admit defeat. 

“Nice?” Hotch asks, arms still encircling Reid’s torso. 

“Yeah,” he answers with a cough, “Very nice.”

[loganslowdown4]

Another breakdown??

YES OF COURSE!!!

Gotta figure these dark sides out!

Here my breakdown of what JANUS had to say…

(And trying to reverse every lie wasn’t easy, because some of it was the COMPLETE TRUTH…) 👀

So Janus thinks that every meeting they have makes everyone more and more miserable lol, the petty sarcasm is TOO GOOD

I mean, in a sense, he’s not wrong. The last couple episodes have ended on more sour notes than sweet. Or bittersweet. But he does have a tendency to drum up more bad than good, as per where the story is headed.

He thinks that Patton doesns’t make good decisions and that Logan makes too many mistakes. Oh all criticisms and no solutions, are you? Mr Snakeman? This guy…

Janus considers himself Voltaire to Roman’s Rousseau. Voltaire and Rousseau were French philosophers who hated each other and their opposing ideals. Voltaire believed that through education and reason, people could separate themselves from ‘the beasts’ and be individuals, free thinkers and live above others as higher beings, that we earned that right. Where Rousseau loved mankind and thought Voltaire’s particular ideals are what made people corrupted, that we as individuals should see ourselves as equals to each other.

Yeah, that’s pretty much Janus and Roman right there 😁

He pokes fun at Virgil’s makeup, Virgil proceeds to lose his mind pfftttt

Actually, its telling that Janus doesn’t have much to say about Virgil because ANY AND ALL THOUGHTS on him would be a huge frickin’ spoiler for the finale. So he pokes fun at something arbitrary and we’re just supposed to let it slip by?? No nonono, I still need answers!

I mean, he says he mistook Patton for a garbage can but you could argue that was a lie. In fact, I did argue that point here.

Jan and Ree hanging out in their downtime? This is probably the best well-known, well-speculated theories confirmed! I mean we’ve all guessed that they hang out together but it hasn’t been confirmed until now. And sneaking into Patton’s room to play DDR?? I may have screamed 😂

He hates it that he still hasn’t had a song! Haha! And apart from Roman, he’s the biggest theatre nerd in the mind palace so this is a friggin’ TRAVESTY. Guess who’ll probably get a song in the season finale? 👀

Janus is normally very composed, but when he’s pissed off? Oof, his smooth composure and classiness go flying out the window. So you KNOW when he’s mad he’s telling the truth 😏😂 Good to know at least someone (Vee) can get under his skin lol

He implies Sacajawea is under his hat, then denies it, then breaks the 4th wall again? I’m starting to think that Janus is actually a softy underneath all that double speak and layers of concealment, like he really does have the hamster under his hat because he loves her and won’t let anyone else have her 😄

Side note (hah): I just realized this is the most, I think, Janus has ever revealed about himself personally in any canon episode yet 👀

Janus disguises himself as Patton and says he regrets his attention to detail in the past. And I’ve said this before, but the next time Jan decides to impersonate one of them, we won’t be able to tell. At all. He will listen in and add his two cents and influence conversations all while being undetected. It’s what Roman told him he had to do when he impersonated Logan the first time. When he impersonated Logan the second time, he wasn’t detected at all until he revealed himself. So yeah, snake boi is getting better. And that’s more than a little scary…

So what’s next according to Jan? He says heartbreak, betrayal and not being bored. And the interesting thing here? He’s not lying, you can tell by the straightforward way he says everything.

Heartbreak? I think this is referring to Patton and Roman having some issues with Nico. It’s also possible that Janus is going to be the catalyst for the group causing heartbreak for each other. Actually, funny this makes me think of Yoko Ono. Everyone blamed her for breaking up the Beatles, but the truth is she was just there. They broke themselves up with their long time disagreements and squabbling, and their egos just got too big for it to be about the music anymore. No one could agree on anything. All it takes is a few words to plant a seed of doubt and they would do the rest themselves. 👀👀

Betrayal? You know what I said about they still haven’t dealt with how Virgil was a former dark side? You might want to check out what I said about Virgil yesterday… 👀 Could be insightful.

Not being bored? Jan and Remus are at your service to keep things fun. And oh the fun they will have! 😏

So that’s the long and short of it-

BY THE WAY, is it me, or was Janus’ light bulb dimmer and more yellow than everyone else’s?? That was really weird lol

Anyway! That’s all I have for Janus! There was way too much in this video, I am having SO MUCH FUN

Last but not least, trash boi tomorrow!

Check out my previous analyses on Logan Patton Roman Virgil Remus

Tagged: @lordiedams