#a horrible monster who's also incredibly popular and beloved

[theshadowsanctum]

Pulp column for The Spy Ring, promoting the upcoming “The Prince of Evil”

[minor-solemnity]

To be a Seer pt.4

Tag List: @jinxqsu @naps-and-lemons @riddles-wifey @mainlynonsense @cakesarecute @crumpets-are-better-with-jam

When you enter the classroom you’re not even surprised to see that Riddle is already waiting for you at your usual table. He smiles at you congenially, and even stands up as you approach, pulling out your chair for you to sit. One thing that you’ve learnt from spending as much time with him as you have been is that Riddle’s manners are impeccable. It’s not half as endearing now that you know what hiding underneath his affable exterior.

You learn that girl is Annabel Wheatley. A third-year Hufflepuff student who, according to the chattering of your peers, is kind, quiet, and loves Care of Magical Creatures more than anything. The rumours surrounding her petrification spread like wildfire throughout the school, people who’ve never spoken to you before start stopping you in the hallway to ask if it’s true that you had seen the person who did it? if her body had really been hanging from the ceiling? if Tom Riddle had really run all the way from the sixth floor in order to protect you from the monster lurking in the school? You tell everyone who asks the truth. You don’t know who did it, Annabel had been sitting at her desk, Tom Riddle had not run anywhere to protect you from anything.

No one seems to believe this last correction. And you’re not sure you can really blame them; in the weeks following the attack, Riddle has taken to escorting you to and from class, acting for all the world to see, as your protector. He politely asks anyone who goes near you to leave you alone - “Can’t you see that this is incredibly hard for her? Do I need to start handing out detentions?” - to anyone who doesn’t know better, Riddle is a worried boyfriend who can’t stand to see his beloved so upset. Even Lizzie and Lucas seem sceptical.

“You must admit, it’s awfully strange that he’s suddenly showing you so much interest,” Lizzie says one evening in the common room as you’re attempting to study for an upcoming Ancient Runes test. “At the very least, he’s hardly hiding that he quite clearly likes you.” You shoot her a withering glare and Lucas laughs from where he’s lounging on the settee.

“I have no idea why he’s following me around all the time,” You say loudly, and promptly blush when a few curious housemates turn to face you. Neither Lucas nor Lizzie look at all like they believe you and you sigh, staring glumly at the textbook in front of you. “I honestly think he might just be worried?” You try to inject as much honesty as you can into your voice, hoping that this new tact will convince them. “It was… It was really disturbing seeing her.” Your voice grows quiet and Lizzie’s expression morphs into one of concern and you think you can detect a little bit of guilt too. Should you feel bad for manipulating your friends like this? You probably should. But you don’t. “And he was the only one around, you know? I don’t think I reacted that well.” That at least is partly true, it’s just that your poor reaction had nothing to do with Annabel and everything to do with Riddle.

After a moment of uncomfortable silence, Lucas clears his throat and the subject is dropped.

***

Lizzie’s sick (or at least, she’s claiming to be) and so you’re on your own as you make your way to Divination. Riddle’s also absent and you’d not realised how used to his presence you’d become until he’s no longer walking with you to lessons. The solitary walk from breakfast to Divination gives you time to think about everything you know about the petrifications and a certain Tom Riddle. The most obvious, and the thing you are most concerned about, is that Riddle very clearly has something to do with the petrifications. Even without your visions, his attitude in the classroom whilst you’d waited for Dippet and Dumbledore to arrive would have been enough to make you suspicious, let alone the fact that he barely lets you out of his sight these days.

But regardless of any of that, you had Seen him. You’ve been Seeing him for weeks and it’s always the same: a boy splintering apart into seven pieces, distorting and mutating into something grotesque and unearthly. There’s no convincing you otherwise that Riddle and the boy in the smoke aren’t one and the same.

It’s your moral duty to tell someone, of course. You should be banging on Dippet’s door right this instance instead of making your way to Divination. You should be screaming it in the corridors. You should be doing a lot of things. And it’s not as though you’re happy that muggle-borns are being attacked. It’s just that… you’re stuck between doing what you know is right and following your own damned curiosity. And there is part of you that is unwilling to divulge to anyone what you know because that would entail telling them how you know. It’s selfish and dangerous and you hate yourself for it a little bit, but the thought of admitting what you’ve Seen is enough to make your chest constrict and your palms grow clammy.

When you enter the classroom you’re not even surprised to see that Riddle is already waiting for you at your usual table. He smiles at you congenially, and even stands up as you approach, pulling out your chair for you to sit. One thing that you’ve learnt from spending as much time with him as you have been is that Riddle’s manners are impeccable. It’s not half as endearing now that you know what hiding underneath his affable exterior. “Good morning,” He says pleasantly, “I’m sorry I wasn’t able to meet you after breakfast this morning, I had a few things I needed to take care of.” He leans forward as he says this, smiles conspiratorially at you like he’s letting you in on a secret. You have a horrible feeling that he’s testing you.

“That’s okay,” You say slowly, watching him carefully as you begin to unpack your things. “I’m sure that you must be busy this year, with all that’s happening. It would be selfish of me to keep you to myself all the time.” His smile widens and he nods.

“That’s very understanding of you. I must say, juggling schoolwork, prefect duties, and extracurriculars has been a lot more of a balancing act than I anticipated,” He pauses and the look he sends your way is entirely too knowing for your liking. “Still, I’m sure I don’t need to explain that to you.” You frown and anxiety begins to set in. The way Tom is talking to you makes you think that he knows about your visions, but that’s impossible. You’ve been so careful to make sure that no one knows. Not even Lizzie and Lucas. So how could he have found out? Unless he’s just baiting you? Trying to make you think he knows more than he does?

Not knowing what else to do, you simply smile and turn your attention to the front of the class where Professor Levintus begins the lesson with a small lecture on predeterminism and the role of destiny in Divination. Immediately, you perk up, scribbling notes on the lecture with a fervour that you’ve not felt since the petrifications started. You’ve always believed that the things you See are inevitable. That, once you’ve Seen them, your visions will come to pass no matter what you do. You’ve always believed this and so you’ve never once tried to stop them. Never once tried to change the future.

You think maybe you might want to see if you can.

“Sir,” You call, raising your hand. Levintus pauses in the middle of his sentence looking over at you, startled. “Forgive me for interrupting, but you mentioned that many consider the Sight to be absolute. Is that a fact or just a popular theory?” You try to keep your voice even; interested but academic. Out of the corner of your eye, Riddle sits up a little straighter, his attention focused entirely on you.

“Well, it’s certainly a popular theory. Many would argue that because all known instances of true foretelling have come to pass that it’s the only viable hypothesis we have at the moment.” Levintus explains. He looks like he’s about to move on with the lesson, but you still have questions.

“Surely, the keyword is ‘known’, though? There might be hundreds of foretellings that haven’t come to pass because the Seer acted to make sure they didn’t? Or prophecies that were never heard and therefore never acted out?” A hint of hysteria leaks into your voice and more students turn to look at you. Whilst it’s not exactly a secret that you take Divination more seriously than most, you’re not known for talking in class.

“That’s certainly a possibility, which is why I use the term theory. Is there a reason that you’re so interested?” Levintus smiles and cocks his head, “Do we have our very own Seer sitting among us, I wonder?” The rest of the class laughs, and, despite the way your heart does an uncomfortable flip in your chest, you force yourself to join in. The only person who isn’t laughing is Riddle who watches you with a small smile. You tell yourself that you don’t find it flattering.

***

You finish your rounds for the night and wave goodbye to the Hufflepuff prefect before heading straight to the Prefect’s bathroom. You’ve been given next weeks rota for patrols and aren’t surprised to see that you’ve been paired with Riddle. You haven’t been paired with him since the first week of fifth year, after which he’d only been partnered with other Slytherins but apparently times are changing.

You slip inside the bathroom and quickly set about filling the tub. You light incense and pour perfumed oils into the water. You smoke a cigarette and then light another one immediately after. These aren’t to help you See, but rather because you’ve been feeling on edge since Divination that morning. The next thing you do is pull out the small ornate dagger that you’d bought from Borgin and Burks the previous summer. You set it down carefully on the ledge of the bath as you sink into the warm water.

Driromancy is something you’ve studied but never attempted before. You’ve always found the idea faintly unsettling. Now though, you’re desperate for answers, and blood divination is said to be one of the most potent forms of divination. Blood magic is personal; it draws its power from the most essential parts of the user, and practitioners of driromancy are said to have highly intense and personal divinations. It is for exactly these reasons why you’re even considering it in the first place. Riddle has been haunting your dreams for months, he’s in the smoke you exhale, and that connects you to him somehow. In many ways, you know him better than he knows himself and you can’t shake the feeling that there has to be a reason for it. That there has to be a reason that of all the Seers in the world, it’s you that has been gifted the warning of his future.

You eye the dagger with a mix of anticipation and foreboding as the perfumed steam begins to work its magic and your mind calms and stills. You’re not sure how long you soak, allowing the water to soften your skin, but eventually, you feel the familiar tug at the edges of your mind, the gentle pull of the Other waiting for you to open your Inner Eye and See.

It doesn’t take much. A few drops on the tiles next to you, dark red against the white marble. You track the speed at which the droplets fall, the viscosity, and the patterns they land in. The slow, steady drip suggests someone determined, resourceful, and independently minded; the thin, watery viscosity indicates an uncertain future or a change of heart; the pattern that forms on the marble is a constellation - the hydra, representing a monster that cannot die.

You stare at the drops of blood for longer than you can tell, feeling strangely relieved by what they’ve told you. A future in flux is certainly better than a future set in stone. Especially, if the future is what you think it might be. It still leaves you with the question of how to change it. Riddle is, of course, the answer. Your futures are somehow tied together, however tangentially that might be, you just hope that his past actions aren’t indicative of how he might treat you should he find out.

The water has completely cooled, and you shiver as you clamber out of the bath and begin to dry yourself off. A quick vanishing charm and you’re ready to leave. You manage to take one step out of the corridor when you hear a soft hum coming from the shadows. Riddle steps into view and smiles down at you. In the dim candlelight of the corridor, he looks like a gothic prince. How did… How did he know you were here? Or was it just a coincidence?

Is anything a coincidence when it comes to you and Riddle?

He takes in your still-damp hair, your slightly wild eyes, the hitch in your breathing as he draws closer. “It’s a little late to be out, isn’t it? And hardly safe,” He says, and he’s close enough that you can see the way his eyelashes cast shadows along his cheeks. “I’d hate for something to happen to you when I’ve been trying so hard to prevent that.”

“Last I checked, prefects aren’t beholden to the same rules as other students,” You say and your voice is steady where your heart is not. He hums again and you’re struck by how pleasant the sound is, by the way his upper curls and his expression softens slightly. “I promise I’m being careful - though, I might ask the same of you, you know. Sneaking around the castle when you weren’t even on patrol tonight.” Without really meaning to, your tone takes on a slight teasing quality, gentle and sweet in the quiet hallway. You think you might be flirting with him which is… well, it’s an interesting development at any rate. Though perhaps, not one you should be surprised by; you’ve been spending enough time with Riddle to have grown somewhat comfortable in his presence (which is a somewhat unsettling realisation in and of itself) and you can’t deny he’s got a handsome face.

He laughs and the sound is beautiful. “I can assure you, no harm will come to me tonight.” No, you don’t expect it will. He offers you his arm, “It’s getting late though, and your common room is on the way to mine; allow me to escort you, seeing as I couldn’t this morning.” You know the exact moment that Riddle notices the shallow cut on your palm. He hums again, though this time, it isn’t from amusement but rather, you think with a small stab of anxiety, understanding. Like he’s putting the pieces together in his mind and is reaching a conclusion. Your hand hovers uncertainly in the air before you lay it gently against the crook of his elbow and he starts to walk you back.

Some distant part of you recognises that you’re in the middle of crossing a threshold, that you’re willingly walking into dangerous territory arm in arm with Riddle. You’d be lying if you said you weren’t a little bit curious about where you’ll end up.

(part 1) (part 2) (part 3) (part 4) (part 5)

[itsclydebitches]

RWBY Recaps: Volume 8 “Strings”

Happy Saturday, RWBY friends! I am, quite obviously, going to dive into the recap in just a moment, but first I wanted to take a short detour to discuss the elephant in the tumblr room. Namely, Supernatural.

For those of you out of the loop, the tl;dr is that a fifteen year, beloved show ended with a truly horrendous finale. Specifically, the finale rejected everything that the show had been building towards: the logical conclusion to character arcs, the theme that “family don’t end in blood,” the potential for a queer romantic relationship… I could go on. The point I want to make is that the fandom had every reason to believe we’d be getting these things. This isn’t a case of fans upset that the finale didn’t go the way they wanted as an individual viewer, but rather that the finale didn’t go the way the show clearly and explicitly said it would. It’s not an exaggeration to say that in many respects, viewers were straight up lied to.

(I recommend reading the reviews.) 

What does this all have to do with RWBY? Well, I can’t help but think that history is repeating itself. Certainly there are some notable similarities between the two series. Both have long, meandering plotlines with no clear end in sight (though I hope RWBY doesn’t reach the 15 Volume mark…). Both began with a small, core cast, but quickly expanded—generating the expectation that these now equally important characters will be given their due. Both have moved from the small conflict of fighting everyday monsters to a god-based mythology. Both have a popular queer relationship dangled in front of the viewers, featuring scenes where they’re “obviously” in love… but will it ever be confirmed? Both have a fanbase that says loudly and confidently that the writers know what they’re doing. Just wait! It’s all been planned! We’ll be rewarded for our patience and soon all the naysayers will be proven wrong.

Thing is, the Supernatural fandom wasn’t rewarded. Right up until a week ago those fans—myself included—had faith that the writers knew what they were doing because they can’t really be that out of touch with their own story...right? It’s not possible. Yet they were, it was, and now that I’ve gotten solid proof of precisely how far a show can go to reject its own logic, themes, and premise, that just makes me more wary of RWBY’s mistakes. Before I had a solid faith that things couldn’t possibly get that bad, that no matter how much RWBY might be messing up in the short term, it will undoubtedly pull it together overall, because what show wouldn’t? Especially a show with such promise and, at times, wonderful storytelling. Well, Supernatural didn’t manage it and frankly I’m not sure what to do with that information.

Seriously. I don’t have any grand conclusion here. It’s not my intention to suggest that anyone should stop watching RWBY, or to claim that it will absolutely fail because Supernatural did. Obviously, we don’t know what will happen until we get to see it in the show. I only want to acknowledge these parallels and the similar journey I see both fanbases on. I can’t help but wonder if, a couple years from now, RWBY fans will be making incredibly optimistic posts about how it’s all coming together, just have some faith, everyone who says that the group won’t get a satisfying ending, or Blake and Yang won’t be confirmed are just mean trolls… only to wake up that Saturday morning and get another metaphorical slap in the face.

It’s something to think about.

But here I’ve spent a page talking about the wrong show. Let’s get into the episode!

We open on a black screen with lots of ambiguous noises. At first I thought this was Oscar struggling in the Hound’s grip or something, but then I remembered that RWBY likes to insert an episode between cliffhangers. I watched Ironwood (presumably) shoot a guy and he only came back this week (though that question still isn’t answered. At this point I kind of wonder if it will be). Oscar was kidnapped last week, which means we won’t get to see him until next week. Or… two weeks from now? RT skips the week of Thanksgiving, don’t they? Sounds familiar doesn’t it? Something horrible happens to Oscar and we need to wait two weeks to find out how it’s resolved. 

Watch him escape the Hound off screen and return to the group with a new outfit 😂

So it’s not Oscar we hear, but Ruby, the last one coming out of the tube. Weiss is in the process of pulling Nora’s ear for that stunt… with a frankly strange looking hand. What’s up with RWBY animating weird hands lately? I’m pretty sure that’s not how anatomy works.

Anyway, Nora counters that this was a “Once in a lifetime experience,” but they were all going to go through the tubes regardless. Weiss isn’t pissed that you sent her through, she’s pissed that you did it unexpectedly when she was alone, heading into enemy territory. But of course, there’s no one in the room to hinder them, so the mistake is meaningless.

We’re setting the tone again though. For the first half of this episode everything is sunshine and giddy adventure, which doesn’t fit the situation at all. It also creates emotional whiplash when I’m suddenly supposed to be super worried about things later on. This sort of about-face works once in a blue moon, as an emotional punch, like we see in Mulan: 

But RWBY does it every other episode, which makes the overall tone of the series confusing instead. Half the time RWBY feels like two different stories—the cartoony tale of girls going on fun adventures, and the traumatic tale of a fantasy war—that have been badly spliced together.

“Alight, Robo-Girl, which way?” May asks and Penny demonstrates why she’s the best for sneaking into a facility. She’s able to map out the whole place, including seeing where everyone is so they can avoid detection. Kudos to RT for going this route. I was worried that they would have Ruby and the others straight up attacking Atlas grunts, knocking them out/potentially even killing them because who cares, right? They’re the bad guys! So I’m glad they’re working to get in and out undetected. Granted, we see in some places that they’re clearly willing to fight the soldiers if it comes to that—they’re reaching for their weapons when Penny opens the final door, expecting the room to be full of people. They were going to attack—but at least they’re trying to lessen that conflict as much as possible. That’s the sort of choice I expect to see from heroes and I’m glad we got it here. 

After scouting the area Penny corrects May: “And my name is Penny,” to which Ruby gives a satisfied “Heh.” I’ve got no problem with Penny rejecting nicknames, even potentially well-meaning ones, because she’s always struggled with her status as a real girl and her name is her own. She gets to decide what others call her. I do, however, have a problem with making the presumed trans character the one who is corrected. Granted yes, we haven’t gotten confirmation in the show that May is trans, but RT doesn’t get to cash in on that rep without likewise suffering the consequences for how the character is treated. You’re telling me that a trans woman is going to roll her eyes when someone asks her to use a specific name? Please give May flaws, yes, she’s a person, but out of all the millions of flaws across the human spectrum, this is the one we’re shown? 

Not to mention Ruby’s continued attitude. It’s like, ‘Yeah, May. Stop being a horrible person who draws attention to the fact that Penny is a robot. I never did that.’ Except when Ruby first met her she didn’t know Penny was a robot. Just like she didn’t know Blake was a faunus—something we’re reminded of this episode. We might assume Ruby wouldn’t have ever made any missteps at the beginning of these relationships, but the fact remains that she got to know both girls before their minority status was ever revealed. Ruby loved them before she ever had to grapple with their differences. 

Put in her place, May then demonstrates that she can make lots of people invisible, not just herself. That’s handy. She creates an invisibility bubble that reminds me of Harry’s invisibility cloak. In the sense that others might not be able to see you, but they can still hear and touch you, which makes sneaking around still pretty challenging.

No sooner have I thought that then two guards get into the elevator with them. The group keeps quiet as the duo discusses how no one can get close to Salem’s storm without “getting shocked right out of the air.” Interesting. And frankly one hell of a roadblock if the Hound escapes into the clouds. Oscar may be gone for a while if he doesn’t escape on his own... The woman also comments about how creepy it is that all the grimm are just hanging out, waiting. It’s “worse than if they’d attacked.”

No it’s not! RT, stop trying to implement the idea that Salem withholding her forces is some epically cool choice. She should have decimated everyone by now and the fact that she hasn’t just shows how transparent the problem is: you’ve created a villain that’s too powerful and now you don’t know what to do with her.

As the group sneaks out of the elevator Nora grins and presses all the buttons, which is, as expected, a dumb move. They’re supposed to be sneaking into this base. If they’re caught they’re going to be thrown in jail at best, killed at worst, but Nora wants to risk that for a practical joke? Again and again we see this insistence on incorporating comedy where it’s not only unnecessary, but actively interferes with other aspects of the scene.

Reaching a terminal, Penny inserts her finger and gains access via Pietro’s credentials. She’s really demonstrating this episode why she’s… pretty terrifying? I mean, Penny is an incredibly powerful fighter with a computer’s view of the world, access to everything in the most powerful Kingdom alongside its information, and she now has Maiden powers to boot. Which, I should add, it took her one fight to master (because remember, the heroes are now always as strong as they need to be to win…). Now that Watts is planning to hack her, I expect her to be an incredibly formidable enemy, just given the amount she could potentially do. I think Penny herself is too kind to exploit all that potential and as we’ll see via Pietro briefly taking control, she doesn’t always have the knowledge to use the tools at her disposal. But in the hands of someone like Watts? He’ll turn Penny into the ultimate weapon.

Access granted, they learn that they have to go “Right through central command!” Of course, Penny makes it sound like a fun game and the spy-movie music/cartoon lecture doesn’t help. Again, tone. It’s adorable! It just doesn’t fit sneaking into a military base with your lives on the line while Salem waits outside. That was a RWBY Chibi moment. 

Penny explains—twice—that Ruby can use her semblance to fly them all through central command and it’s treated like a revelation. At first, I was pretty confused because Ruby has been dong this for ages? She carried Weiss in “Argus Limited” and Nora during the Geist fight. But upon close inspection, what Penny seems to have “figured out” is that Ruby can carry multiple people at once because the “mass doesn’t matter.” Okay. Not a contradiction then, though I think RT could have made it a little more clear that Ruby was shocked at the idea of carrying multiple people, not carrying someone at all.

What I do take issue with though is Ruby mastering this skill instantaneously. I mean, why is Ruby being forced to try this on the fly (pun not intended)—Penny has known the layout of the building since they made this plan. She knew they had to get past central control and that it would be packed with people. She’s obviously thought about Ruby’s semblance a great deal—and why is she succeeding? Give me a Volume 7 where Ruby actually trains in this technique, set up via Harriet’s comment early on about her semblance, and then she’s victorious here when it finally matters. Or give me Ruby assuming she can pull off this incredibly difficult skill only to fall out of her semblance halfway through, a roomful of Atlas personnel staring at them. Then what? 

Not this.

This is a character who does everything perfectly on the first try without ever having to fail. Ruby is boring like this.

Crisis averted, we transfer to Ironwood who is… working with Watts.

What else is there to say? I’ve already laid out all the reasons why this is stupid and makes no sense. Others keep coming onto my posts to explain to me how Ironwood’s awful deeds up until now fully show his decent into villainy, conveniently ignoring the numerous limitations he was under and his choice to do what he thought was best for the world using inaccurate information. Ironwood was always a divisive character and many are happy to ignore the years’ worth of deconstruction done—a man who looks like the Evil Military General but actually isn’t—because they never liked him to begin with. Not liking him is fine, no one has to like any character, but I’m honestly shocked by the number of viewers who refuse to acknowledge how bad the writing is, even if it means defending a character they hate a teensy tiny bit (#SupernaturalVibes). As a friend put it, Ironwood now feels like a caricature of his former self, a Pure Evil Ironwood who appeared out of nowhere and is now here to stay. He shoots kids. He shoots unarmed civilians. He teams up with Salem’s men and tries to hack Penny. These are undeniably horrible acts, they’ve just been given to a character who never would have done them until RT randomly flipped the Evil switch.

The “RWBY” tag, alongside all the fluff moments of this episode, is now filled with posts encouraging Marrow to turn, yelling at the Ace Ops for being “bootlickers,” and capslock screaming at anyone who dared to speak up for Ironwood. It still sucks to have bad writing twisted into an attack on the fans and it’s going to continue to suck until at least the rest of Volume 8. I’d like to again remind everyone that Qrow teamed up with Tyrian a few episodes, yet because he’s again in Ruby’s graces, that was twisted into a ‘not that bad’ situation. The issue isn’t really that Ironwood is teaming up with one of Salem’s subordinates, but that he’s doing it to go against RWBYJNOR… the second a character teams up with Salem to get what Ruby wants (to not have her team in jail) then that’s totally fine… but that’s a wrinkle a lot of people are happy to ignore. 

So yeah, Ironwood is an idiot now too. Like Qrow also was last Volume. He really thinks Watts isn’t going to betray him somehow? Although, I do wonder if the chance to ruin Pietro’s creation outweighs his loyalty to Salem, but the point is that Ironwood can’t be sure of that either. At least he’s smart enough to keep Watts under continuous guard. He puts his hand on Watts’ shoulders and goes, “I’d hate for us to have to try motivating you. Again.”

So he tortures people too now? Like I said, caricature. This was Ironwood and we were given no clear idea of where he disappeared to.

RIP a great character.

Watts notices though that Pietro has apparently accessed a secure area and alerts Ironwood to it. I laugh that the information is just ¡EMERGENCY! In large, red letters. Ironwood immediately makes an announcement for everyone to be on guard. It’s a level 3 lockdown — that won’t impede the group leaving via airship! — and they’re to use “lethal force” if necessary. Weiss is disgusted.

As much as I disagree with making Ironwood into a shoot first, ask questions later kind of guy  — he’s definitely wrong to be doing this — I also find myself rolling my eyes at reactions like that. Yes, Weiss. You attacked four operatives until they were knocked unconscious. Prevented an entire city from escaping Salem’s wrath, endangering them all. Now you’re breaking into the most classified room in the Kingdom to steal an equally qualified project and use it for your own means. There’s no reason why Ironwood would level his might against you. Is death still an extreme response? Yes. Should Weiss be acting like Ironwood is crazy for responding to them in an extreme manner? No. Her remark makes it sound like Ironwood is attacking her poor, innocent, defenseless team… not the team that’s been lying to him, betraying him, attacking him, and stealing from him. Not the team carrying deadly weapons into a facility to take what they want at any cost. 

With their presence known, May wants to go grab an airship. That’s the series now.

Meanwhile, Penny insists that they can still complete their mission and we see Nora come up with some sort of plan. 

Except, what plan was this?? What did she say to the group? ‘Hey, let’s wait around until some guy conveniently walks by with a full cup of coffee. Then we can trip him and the mug will fly alllll the way across this gap to land on a terminal, startling at least two workers. Except this guy will be hated by the whole room because he’s always messing things up—his coffee mug has been changed from #1 Dad to #1 Dud—so that this little mishap will create a ruckus that gets everyone involved, giving us the opportunity to slip by them all.’

Seriously, what? This kind of “plan” only works with someone like Clover, where we know he has a good luck semblance and thus all these unlikely pieces fall into place. I could absolutely buy Clover smiling smugly, working under the knowledge that he just has to wait around a few minutes and something will come along that works entirely in his favor. But Nora? How did she know any of this would happen? Obviously she couldn’t have, so what exactly was their intention if this coffee carrying, hated guy didn’t show up? RWBY, your contrived plots are showing.

I do, however, love the grimm Jaws poster. Jaws is an absolute favorite of mine, so seeing a reference to it in RWBY? A funny one at that? It almost makes up for how bad this episode is lol.

Because frankly I’m bored. The group sneaks around, criticizes May and Ironwood, briefly confuses me about Ruby’s semblance knowledge, and gets through tons of Atlas personnel in the stupidest way possible. I have to watch this guy running out of the room with coffee on his pants screaming, “WHHHYYY???” and he doesn’t notice the five girls standing right next to him. It’s silly. It’s boring. Luckily for RWBY, things are about to pick up in the second half.

After Ruby gets them upstairs and the final room is also conveniently devoid of people, Pietro takes control of Penny—including yellow possession eyes like Oscar has with Ozpin—and he...gets Amity started. That’s it. After a whole volume of ‘It’s not finished yet’ and ‘We barely have the resources’ and ‘Robyn stole what we were using to do idek what with’ he presses buttons for a while and they’re in. How good for them!

I do love that Penny calls Pietro “Dad” though. I’m here for the android-father relationship.

While Pietro works we turn to Blake, Weiss, and Nora. Blake tries to convince the audience that Ruby and Yang had an actual fight with, “I’ve never seen Yang and Ruby fight like this.” Yeah, because no one in this group has ever said the sliiiiightest thing against Ruby, so you all read the tinniest disagreement as a “fight” to be worried about. I mean, doesn’t RT have friends to draw inspiration from? They’ve never disagreed about Huge and Complex Questions before? Never gotten pissed and then shrugged it off the next time you want to text? RWBY’s idea of a diverse friend group feels like many other writers’ idea of a sibling relationship: anyone with an actual sibling goes, “What is this?” Speaking of, Weiss explains that sisters often have “very different ideas about what’s right” as if, again, people don’t have different ideas? Just in general? Why is this suddenly a sister thing? She’s clearly thinking about Winter, but doesn’t actually bring it up, so all we’re left with is the same situation we had last Volume. Weiss thinks she’s right, Winter is wrong, and they’re just going down their separate roads because there’s definitely no reason to re-examine any choices here. It’s all static. 

Until Winter betrays Ironwood, of course. 

Nora tries to reassure Blake that the group will be fine (ha) even though they’ve split, the irony being that we, the audience, know they just got wrecked by the Hound. Jaune is a great leader though, Oscar has grown so much, Yang could defend them all in a fight, and Ren… well, she can’t think of anything to say about Ren. I hate the Nora is acting like Ren has drawn away from her for no reason, after she chose to kiss him—without consent—rather than listening to what was bothering him, then proceeded to pretend that this mystery problem never existed. What does she expect? I do, however, like the general acknowledgement that she doesn’t know who she is without Ren. Who is Nora? Someone who is “strong and hit[s] stuff?”

See, this feels like RT writing self-consciously because Nora doesn’t have much of a personality. Oh, on a surface level she’s bursting with it, but past the bubbly exterior? That single layer? We can add maybe one thing to this “Likes Ren, is strong, hits stuff” list: she’s funny. That’s it. Anything else we might add like “she’s loyal” or “she’s kind” is just a generic characteristic of this entire team. They’re all meant to be crazy talented good guys and even the “is strong” aspect is suspect when others frequently pull off attacks as showy as Nora’s hammer hits. So who is she? What are Nora’s dreams? What are her hobbies? Her fears? Her history? We’ve seen a single flashback of her on the streets and one scene back at Beacon where she listens to music and reads a magazine. Seven years worth of material and that’s it. There’s a reason why the go-to, non-combat action for Nora in fics is “makes pancakes.” We know so little about her still. 

So I was excited for a brief, shining moment. Yes! Explore who Nora is outside of being strong and hitting stuff! … and then her big action this episode is, as she says, being strong and hitting something. Don’t get me wrong, outside of that setup it’s pretty epic. I like Nora going to those lengths to save Penny and I absolutely love the repercussions of the choice: a broken aura, passing out, and badass lightning scars all over her arms and neck (especially when women often aren’t allowed to accumulate scars in visual media). That’s pretty damn awesome. It’s just that it comes on the heels of the story insisting that Nora is more than this, that we’ll learn something new about her… and we haven’t. This is indeed cool, but we already knew that Nora was willing to crazy lengths by hitting things really hard. That’s already her established norm.

At least this moment has some really nice characterization alongside the stupidity. The conversation between Ruby and Penny is just plain stupid. Penny wants to stay to help with the evacuations, but Pietro says she should come with him in Amity. Why? As Ruby says, because then she’ll be up in the sky and Salem won’t be able to access the relic.

That’s what Ironwood wanted to do! We could have had this conflict episodes ago with you all working with him! I really can’t with this cast. Also, the rest of this is still confusing. I thought pretty much everyone was in the slums by now, so what evacuation are they talking about? Do they plan to evacuate everyone in Mantle out of the kingdom somehow… like Ironwood wanted to do with Atlas? And why are they acting like Amity is evacuating some people too? I thought they were just using it as a communication device? To add insult to injury, Ruby then contradicts herself a minute later when she tells Harriet that Ironwood can’t have the relic because “Salem will find her way to the relic no matter where you go.” Ruby, if Salem can access the relic high in the sky she can also access Penny in the sky. If you believe that literally nowhere is safe then why are you sending Penny away under the claim that she—and via her the Relic—will be safer? If you want Penny in Amity to lessen the chance of Salem getting the Relic, why can’t Penny be in Atlas while simultaneously (hopefully) getting a whole slew of people to safety? 

I’m continually confused by this “plan” of theirs. Their claims just flip-flop according to what (supposedly) contrasts them with Ironwood. Even though that’s not actually the case.

Penny is me, sad while watching this train wreck of a scene. 

So yeah, the Ace Ops are here. I’ve wondered since the trailer why Weiss looked smug while everyone else was startled. Turns out it’s because of her line, “So, your first time losing to us wasn’t enough?” I can’t express how much I dislike all the girls’ personalities now. I want to shake some compassion and humility into them. Plus, they never should have won that fight in the first place. Marrow yells, “We were holding back!” but coming from the team’s weakest member it reads as defensive. Like we’re supposed to go, ‘Lol yeah right, Marrow. Just admit you got your ass kicked,’ even tough the Ace Ops should have wiped the floor with them, holding back or not. That’s my biggest takeaway from this fight: it’s the reverse of what we should have gotten. The Ace Ops should have beaten Team RWBY with ease and struggled greatly against an android Maiden, not falling before a bunch of teens and succeeding against Penny if not for Nora’s timely breakthrough. Your half-trained cast of growing heroes should not come across as more powerful than an intelligently designed weapon now wielding magic.  

Before the fight starts we get a whole lot of lines that are, frankly, frustrating. Vine tells Penny, “I thought you were supposed to protect the people, not hurt them” which is true enough. Penny is taking action that is putting a lot of people in danger, regardless of the fact that Ruby is at the helm. Problem is, the Ace Ops then blame her for Winter’s injuries and “stealing” the power? That’s not the issue here. The issue is Penny’s blind loyalty to Ruby, but by having the Ace Ops back a stance that is clearly inaccurate—Penny didn’t cause Winter’s injuries, Cinder did; Penny didn’t steal the powers, she was encouraged to take them—it makes them come across as Very Evil people who will twist things to make poor Penny look like the villain. Even if this is a case of Ace Ops having bad intel (which seems unlikely. Wouldn’t Winter have told them what happened?) RT has avoided letting the Ace Ops take a justified stance here because that would make them look too sympathetic… even though they do have multiple justified stances to take. Like, ‘Hey, stop keeping half a kingdom here where Salem can easily kill them all’ or, ‘Hey, why did you spend months betraying Ironwood and then turn on us instead of trying to find a compromise?’ Even, ‘Why did your uncle help kill our leader?’ There’s plenty that the Ace Ops should be rightfully pissed about, so choosing Penny and Winter out of everything feels like RT is firmly backing them into Ironwood’s corner: you’re just bad now and bad people blame innocent girls, rather than acknowledging the actual wrongs done against them. 

So we have Ruby contradicting herself and the Ace Ops backing warped ideas that make them look worse than they actually are. Adding to the stupidity is the fact that Elm mentions that Winter is in “critical condition” and Weiss… doesn’t care. Harriet then tells Ruby that she’s “throwing [her] in jail right next to your uncle, runt” and... Ruby doesn’t care. Qrow is missing and Ruby just found out he’s been captured by Ironwood, yet there’s no reaction whatsoever. This show continues to go hard on the ‘screw adults’ mentality, huh? Ozpin needs to keep quiet and is horrible for coming back. Ironwood is now a cartoon villain. Winter made the wrong choice so no one cares about her anymore, not even her sister. The Ace Ops remain enemies despite trying to talk things out. Qrow? Barely know him. Who’s he? This is a Ruby loves Penny episode. There isn’t enough emotional nuance for her to care about him too.

The sad thing is I adore Nuts&Dolts. In a different context these moments would be a goldmine for me. 

If anything, this episode feels worse than the majority of last week’s because there are good things here that have been thrown into a bad setup. I can’t get excited for the group’s battles when I see who they’re attacking. It’s hard to squee over Ruby hugging Penny when she doesn’t react to Qrow. Watching Nora go all Thor feels like it only has half its potential when it’s coming out of a very messing, ‘I’m more than just being strong and hitting things… which is why I’ll continue being strong and hitting things.’ RWBY has excellent moments set into a terrible story.

The fight, at least, is exciting. The Ace Ops goad Penny into stepping away so they can trap the rest of Ruby’s team—smart—and she’s forced to hold her own while Weiss tries to break through with her knight, then Nora overloads the system. To be frank, I’m not great at analyzing combat. Not unless I’m looking for something specific like whether a win is justified. I’ve already mentioned above the broad issue of the Ace Ops very nearly beating the most powerful fighter next to Salem herself, yet failing so spectacularly against Team RWBY. Outside of that context though? I really enjoyed this. Lots of tight action, creative attacks, teamwork, some emotional pauses throughout… it feels like a pretty solid battle. Put it on Youtube as a clip, outside of the rest of the story’s messiness, and you’ve got yourself a fantastic watch. 

We can’t stay in the combat forever though. During all this Weiss calls the Ace Ops “cowards” for making it four vs. one. You know, RWBY should really just do away with dialogue and make the show purely action because the cast frequently sounds so stupid when they speak. Like her comment about Ironwood’s lockdown… really Weiss? ‘Yes, we might be wanted criminals who betrayed this group in the worst possible way, but how dare they not do the honorable thing and have three of their teammates sit out while trying to capture us? Even though the girl they’re trying to capture has magic. I mean, the nerve of them!’

Weiss, at this point I’m not sure how to explain to you that the people you’ve made into your enemies do not owe you a fair fight. 

Another detail: we get to see Ruby fall off the edge of the walkway and this time she remembers she can fly! A definite improvement from Volume 6.

Finally: by the time Penny’s eyes go full Maiden in Elm’s grip, I think we’ve seen everything from our trailer. Episode 4 will truly be a mystery.

Ironwood has, of course, been watching the fight this whole time. When it looks like the Ace Ops will lose against the team he means to send in reinforcements, but Watts says he has “a message for your operatives.” Instead of capturing Penny they steal one of her swords instead, ending with a shot on Marrow looking conflicted.

Because remember, there’s no actual moral grayness in this story. The protagonists are right and everyone else is wrong. It’s (supposedly) black and white. Which means that if the Ace Ops have any hope of surviving this Volume and being seen as anything other than evil bootlickers, they have to join with Ruby. Marrow seems primed to do that.

Am I surprised? No. Disappointed? Always lol.

May has the airship ready to go and they fly off… despite the shields. And the lockdown. Consistency? Who’s she? Nora is said to be “in bad shape” and after another hug Penny leaves to hide in Amity, even though Ruby thinks that hiding is a useless, cowardly choice. Just not when she and her allies choose to do it.

We end the episode with Watts receiving Penny’s sword and making the statement, “If you can’t beat them… then make them join you.” I have to say, his cheesy villainy is something I continue to enjoy, even if it’s heavy handed at times. Watts is just fun. I do have to say though: if Penny is hacked, what does that say about her agency? We double-downed on the ‘real girl’ narrative by giving her the Maiden powers, but she’s simultaneously synthetic enough that a single piece of her can remove all autonomy? It once again feels like RT isn’t sure what point they’re trying to make, they’re just chucking a lot of themes at the wall and seeing what sticks. Still, we’ll have to let it all play out before making any judgements.

And that’s it for this week. It seems like this is a slightly shorter recap than normal, though that may be because I struggle with discussing pure action sequences, which made up a decent chunk of this episode. I’ll no doubt return to the Ace Ops vs. Penny fight when I’m not on a self-imposed, one day deadline for posting. The only thing left is to update the Bingo Card, but I don’t think we made any headway this week. So... good job, RWBY? 

I’m still going to hold off on the civilian’s square until Salem’s army actually attacks, as well as the two day timeline square.

No Winter this episode

Watts is teaming up with Ironwood which is… so much worse than him teaming up with Jacques again. Does a square get an X if the canon is even worse than what you assumed it would be??

Maria was mentioned this episode. Jury’s out on whether she’ll actually do anything.

Atlas is still standing, we knew Penny was heading towards a hack so it’s not much of a cliffhanger, no Qrow, no Ozpin, no Neo or Cinder.

It certainly looks like we can check off “The team gets Amity up and running,” but let’s just see if there are any problems next episode. If the problem is only ‘We would have launched it if not for Salem’s attack’ or something, I’m checking it off. The point is it would have worked.

I’m also leaning towards “More obvious Blake/Yang implications without confirming a relationship” given Blake’s heart-to-heart with Nora… but let’s see if the Volume does anything more egregious.

All in all (and perhaps despite what I’ve written above), I don’t think it’s fair to totally drag this episode. As said, this feels like a strong episode in a bad story, something that I would have LOVED if a) Salem weren’t here and b) the ‘ethical dilemma’ wasn’t boiled down to a ‘Team Ruby is good’ and ‘Ironwood and everyone associated with him is evil’ situation. It’s an episode whose tone and character action belong in a different version of RWBY. If you gave us this fun episode in an earlier Volume against a Pure Evil antagonist? It would have been great. 

Ah well. It is what it is. Expect more emotional whiplash when we come back and everyone learns that Oscar has been kidnapped by Salem’s talking pooch 🙃

See you then! 💜

[brachyurans]

tw3 moods, part 4

BASE GAME GWENTE QUESTE COMPLETE. I AM KING.

you know how i was saying i wanted to use a Nilfgaard deck for the aesthetic well i played a bunch of practice rounds against merchants and put together a good Nilf deck and won the passiflora running Emhyr the Relentless and it was great

i think i might try a Monster deck for the BoW and HoS gwent quests but that’s pretty far in the future.

also, i managed to hit 100 hours on this game without doing a single main quest in skellige lmfao

i learned how to install w3 mods so i could put in Always Full Exp. i waited so long for skellige that nothing was giving me any exp anymore and seeing ‘received: 2xp’ after quests is kind of not fun. now i’m enjoying crossing contracts off again! overleveling is a fake gamer lie.

i figured out the incredibly hilarious fact that geralt’s honey-collecting method involves setting the entire beehive on fire and waiting for it to drop to the ground. geralt hasn’t been friends with bees since he was torturing them with jugs as a witcherling and he’s not about to start now. i haven’t yet figured out what i’m meant to do with all these honeycombs but i sure do got ’em!

the bit where geralt gets put in skellige prison made me chilly. they made him go barefoot :( on the other hand, geralt interacting with what passes for a justice system on this world is fantastic and heartbreaking, he is embittered and impatient and he wants everyone to hurry up and just tell him exactly how bad he’s going to get fucked over today

the way geralt’s face fucking DROPS when eredin shows up in the cave of dreams. [MUFFLED SCREAMING]

also, the way blueboy lists off the herbs everyone’s gotta take—hemlock, henbane, nightshade, etc.—and geralt is like whoa that’s gonna be a hell of a trip like FHSKFJSK of course mr. i-drink-poison-for-a-living knows exactly what kinda trip they’re gonna have. and he’s still just like fuck it this may as well happen to me today.

hjalmar’s quest was actually a tremendous amount of fun, i was kind of putting it off because i don’t enjoy boss battles, but it reminded me a lot of being a kid and how much i loved reading the bits with odysseus and polyphemus (and rereading. i swear i read the polyphemus sequence over twice as often as any of the rest of it). the odyssey was one of my favorite books as a child. yes i was that child. getting folan from the rock trolls was also a lot of fun and having him around for the rest of the investigation was nice. (amazing he could fire a bow with those burns on his hands tbh.) i’m always ten times more willing to wander into horrible dark caves when i have an npc around to be friends with.

i would smooch cerys an craite. geralt should not, that would be weird, but i would.

I PUT THE BABY IN THE FUCKING OVEN

i don’t even have fucking words for this quest i was like ok cerys i support you and then. oh my god. i SCREAMED. i almost missed the timed choice i was too busy freaking out. like. THIS?? THIS IS THE FUCKING CONTEXT FOR THAT???

obviously after all that i crowned her queen. who the fuck picks hjalmar over cerys when she’s obviously the superior candidate like crach says he has no preference but the only point he can give in hjalmar’s favor is “skellige wants a monarch who’ll lead them to battle with nilfgaard” like ok sure crach but i’m gonna back the monarch who won’t immediately fling the isles into emhyr’s maw. may the reign of the first queen of skellige be long and prosperous.

CIRI!!!! IS!!! GAY!!!!!!

i thought lesbian ciri was just a reasonably popular fanon but no you can look a naked woman straight in the eyes as ciri and say “actually, i prefer women,” i love & support my lesbian daughter

the entire last wish sequence killed me FUCKING DEAD

geralt when he says ‘agh, no, not another portal’ and yen tells him to stop whining 😭😭😭

me: ok geralt lets try for a repeat of the unicorn scene [selects dialogue]

geralt: you wanna fuck on the top of a mountain in a dead guy’s bed?

yen: no.

yennefer, darling and best-beloved as she is to me, actually super needs to stop reading geralt’s mind without permission it isn’t cute or funny. it is also, as far as i can see, an invention of the games. bad cdpr [whacks with newspaper]

i’ve now let both the succubi go so i can never make a succubus decoction. rip me. the uncraftable recipe in my alchemy tab is gonna bug me but i just won’t stab women for the crime of being Horny if i don’t have to is that so wrong

i absolutely could not bear to kill any more fucking sirens so around this point i went to get uma. i still have sidequests and Witcher diagrams to get in skellige but sirens and mountains are annoying.

emhyr: i give you leads as fresh as morning dew and this is what i get?

me: well after running around the continent on fifty different side quests the leads were all uh... slightly less fresh.

“forktails this close to the fortress? someone’s been slacking off” go on just drag eskel for filth why don't you geralt

time for everyone to go on their Life-Changing Field Trip with Zuko Geralt

omfg the illusion child with the foglets that Lambert said was copied from his cohort is fucking TINY. it’s probably a reused model because the trainee witchers must have been close to full-grown when they did the trial of the medallion if they were going out on the Path right after but still like... thas bad. witchers are tragedies.

that geralt and eskel’s idea of quality time is dissecting a katakan together (or rather, eskel dissects a katakan and geralt eats an apple...i desperately hope he got the apple out of his pack because it kind of looked like he grabbed it off the nasty-ass katakan table and that’s Gross, geralt)... these guys are fuckin nerds

eskel managing to radiate mom friend energy while practically black-out drunk is extremely powerful

if I was yennefer witnessing three men twice as big as me squeezed into my nice dresses i would have had MUCH harsher words for all of them. those dresses would be unwearable afterwards. also i made the mistake of taking everything off in order to wear yen’s pants which meant geralt woke up on the floor completely naked while everyone else was already busy having their shit together while fully dressed. embarrassing.

vesemir is an extremely fucked-up old dude. ah yes, you know how old people are, nostalgic for their torture tables, just can’t get rid of those. lambert is right about everything

emhyr may be a grade-A douché but geralt’s a little bitch. what’s wrong with morvran leading a banner to kaer morhen, i thought we liked morvran. he’s a horse girl and he’s always polite to us. you don’t even know how to command a company of nilfgaardian soldiers geralt. oh no emhyr will have intelligence about kaer morhen if morvran comes!—he would get the same if it was just the soldiers you think his companies aren’t full of spies??? suck it up and play nice for ciri we need bodies in that castle!! suspect geralt went to ask emhyr literally just to lord over him that he was going to do some fancy magic stuff with ciri that emhyr could never, smh

i have to stop main-questing now and Prepare i want at least three more levels and all of my Witcher gear in order before i head out after ciri

which means i gotta go kill some more sirens.

fuck.

[watcher-of-worlds]

bruce banner fic recs

26/08/19 - i’m pulling these from my ao3 bookmarks - i dont use ff.net or read much fic on tumblr, so i may have missed some good ones! these are all pretty bruce-centric, though some have more focus on his relationships than others. they’re all also about mcu bruce.

[the ones in bold are just ones i’m pretty sure i lifted from other rec lists, so i think they’re pretty popular (fan favourites?)]

Sorry If You're Starstruck by heyjupiter (complete, 60k)

bruce banner/tony stark

“While recovering from an on-set injury (and the resultant problem with painkillers), billionaire playboy genius filmmaker Tony Stark sets his eyes on his next project--an adaptation of the Gamma Garcia books, a widely beloved young adult sci-fi series. The books' notoriously reclusive author, Bruce Banner, rejects all film offers, but he reluctantly accepts Tony's friendship. Their bond deepens into something more, even as personal and professional setbacks threaten their chance at a Hollywood happy ending.”

Multicolored by Trumpeteer34 (complete, 54k)

background pepper potts/tony stark; background thor/jane foster

“As the Avengers slowly grow closer to each other, they begin to notice some oddities about their resident gamma expert, oddities that he is not even aware of.

Prompt from tumblr user pushingcrazies: What if Bruce also had some of the more traditional (if there is any such thing) DID personality types/archetypes.  Obviously the Hulk is the Protector Archetype.  What if Bruce also had a child personality, or a punk personality, or….I dunno, I’m trying to think back to my psychology class and when I used to watch United States of Tara, but I’m coming up blank on some of the more common personality archetypes.  But you know what I mean.

 And, like, thanks to the Gamma radiation, each personality type would manifest itself in a physical variation of Bruce.”

Irreconcilable Differences by determamfidd (complete, 133k)

bruce banner/tony stark

“Bruce has been searching for a cure again, but Tony doesn't think the green guy is a disease. Abruptly, he's given everything he's ever wanted, and... well, it seems it's all more complicated than that.

FEATURING: Hulk -  Amateur Psychology Hour with Tony Stark -  Clint as a troll  - more Hulk -  Bruce as an angry introspective mess -  Hulk again -  Steve as Team Dad  -  Nick Fury as Nick Fury  - Hulk smash!  - Tony as a caped crusader for Hulk Rights  -  Rules, Rules, Rules  -  Natasha as the boss of everything  -  the Experimental Method (by T. Hulk) -   Thor as the God of Thunder and Frustration -   Tony as the king of the oblivious idiots - Stealth Sass Master Banner ...

...and a lot of figuring out who you really are.

And Hulk.“

by the light of all your bridges burning by branwyn (complete, 39k)

bruce banner/tony stark

“Bruce Banner is twelve years old. It's not an easy age. For anyone.”

Diminuendo by CrumblingAsh (complete, 4.3k)

bruce banner/tony stark; background bucky barnes/steve rogers; background natasha romanoff/steve rogers

“When there is just under a week left until the world is set to end, Bruce finds a man sitting on a sidewalk, shivering in the pouring rain.

And takes him home.“

These Walls Are Paper Thin by IamShadow21 (complete, 13k)

bruce banner & avengers team; bruce banner & hulk; hulk & avengers team

”When most people think of Bruce Banner and The Hulk, they think of it as an either/or situation and assume that it's easy to tell who they're face to face with.

Most people are wrong.”

Hell Ain't A Bad Place To Be (series, 3 works) by Ravenspear (incomplete, 3.6k total)

bruce banner/tony stark; bruce banner & tony stark

“In a world that is a little bit darker, a little bit bleaker, Tony Stark is much less of a nice man. But he doesn't like bullies, and especially not ones who keep other people hostage to make weapons.

And that is how he meets Bruce Banner for the first time.“

In These Rough Hands by icarus_chained (complete, 1.3k)

bruce banner & steve rogers

“Bruce & Steve, and the fear of always being the last one standing.“

Your Mind's a Steel Trap (series, 3 works) by 44TayLo (incomplete, 62k total)

bruce banner & tony stark; bruce banner & steve rogers; past bruce banner/betty ross; past bruce banner/monica rappaccini; bruce banner/tony stark

“Bruce has an incredible mind. He's able to pick things apart and analyze something over and over again until he's examined it thoroughly. That's an extraordinarily convenient thought process for a scientist. Unfortunately, it's a horrible thought process for a man. Especially if that man is a monster.“

Perspective by MusicalLuna (complete, 1.6k)

bruce banner & himself; bruce banner & avengers team

“Tony shakes out the piece of paper inside and clears his throat. “Dear Hulk,” he reads, “You’re green. Green is my favorite color. I love you. Love, Gina.”

The fullness in Bruce’s throat only gets worse when Tony gives him a look over the top of the letter as if to say, How do you like them apples?”

Injection by sciencebutch (complete, 1.1k)

"Good becomes great, bad becomes worse."

take a step back and breathe by angelheartbeat (complete, 1.1k)

past thor/bruce banner

“Bruce Banner is the last person on earth.He'd always craved alone time. He never thought it would be so exhausting.“

The Marvel Fractions (series, 4 works) by Nonymos (complete, 175k total)

bruce banner/clint barton; clint barton & kate bishop

“Being a hero with no superpowers kind of sucks. Clint Barton feels out of place in the Avenger Tower; Hawkeye feels out of place in his Brooklyn apartment. It's not hell though. He's got friends on both sides of his life, and he never gets bored. Still – there's this deep loneliness inside him that nothing can seem to cure.”

After the whole Loki business, both sides of Clint feel a little out of step, and he tries to avoid aliens and giant monsters and world crisis in a whole. Problem is, he's not the only one to exist on several scales.

And who better than Bruce Banner to teach someone about dual nature.”

Sunrise over Manhattan by CharityLambkin (complete, 1.5k)

bruce banner & steve rogers; bruce banner & tony stark

“The morning after a long battle, Steve comes across a lump of post-Hulk Banner on the couch.  Comfort ensues.  Oh, and Tony wants in because, hey, can't forget about Tony.”

Resilient by CharityLambkin (complete, 37k)

bruce banner/tony stark; past bruce banner/betty ross

“Tony and Aldrich have built AIM from the ground up, but Extremis is proving tougher than either man expected.  Then, one day, Aldrich buys a new test subject from the U.S. Army, and Tony's day gets a lot more interesting.“

His True Colors by Nonymos (complete, 103k)

bruce banner/clint barton

“The battle of New York was a turning point for the entire planet – but especially so for Bruce Banner. This is a unique chance for him to find the Hulk a place in this world. It is a staggering hope, but unrealistic as it sounds, it might just come true.

And then his hesitant plan turns out to be too successful. Everyone including the Avengers apparently expect the Hulk to take his turn in the spotlight. But the more Hulk thrives, the more Bruce withers, and nobody seems to notice or care. When Loki extends a hand to him, he is fully aware it is a trick – but he has got nothing else to hold onto.

The Avengers realize just a bit too late how royally they screwed up. The sharp-sighted, ever-watching Hawkeye cannot blame himself enough for not having seen this disaster coming. Can they still be saved from Banner ?

Do they even deserve it ?

(The story is set right after the 2012 Avengers movie with slight EMH dynamics thrown in the middle.)“

[admins-home-for-peculiar-hermits]

Season after season, the Hermits had been tormented relentlessly by hollows, or horrible, invisible monsters created by Evil X. They were a result of an experiment of unknown intent, and now they steal peculiar Hermit’s souls, and somehow manage to creep their way into every new season.

Once they acquire enough of these souls, they can ascend into wights. These wights take the form of beloved Hermits, making them far more dangerous. The only physical difference is that wights bear entirely white eyes that seem to glow in the dark.

Now, Season 6. It’d been relatively peaceful. It was the longest time the Hermits had been hollow-free, and newer technology that came with every Update had made the future seem much brighter. The possibility of never having to leave their homes behind again is closer to becoming a reality than ever. Maybe Evil X has finally given up. Old Hermits have even joined along the way! However, what the others don’t know is that the return of these presumed-dead Hermits opens a whole new realm of disaster beyond either of them’s control, and perhaps a tear into the fine fabric that keeps Season 6 safe.

--

hey hi howdy so i made a blog for anyone whos interested in this au lol this is basically where i just drop anything i write about or draw w this au haha. please note that this au has semi-permadeath (nobody will die forever or anythin but sometimes people just don’t respawn if that makes any sense??) and not a whole lot of angst but its there. i’ll try and have this deviate a bit from the og books bc some of its either problematic, confusing, or doesnt fit with what i have planned.  in fact, heres a small list of things ive changed for reference (and in case u get the books and go “wtf quee this isnt canon”): ymbrynes can be men bc admins if a hermit spends a lot of time around another hermit, they’ll pick up a bit of one anothers abilities. not enough to be useful for anything but hey its there ymbrynes are leaders not caretakers wights and hollows travel though underground nether portals and tfc usually has to break any unfinished ones he finds while caving rip seasons in hc = loops in mphfpc

anyways as a refresher heres a list of peculiarities the hermits have, alphabetically (tumblr’s a bitch and wont let me put this under a cut for whatever reason so i’ll just tag as long post):

Bdubs: it is a mystery Biffa: He’s an admin so he’s an ymbryne! Basically hes a bird guy (he can become a crowned eagle) who’s sorta the decision maker of the server with x and joe. in this au ymbrynes aren’t caretakers (bc thats problematic, in my humble opinion) and are leaders sorta? anyways moving on oh yeah he kinda went poof one day n nobody knows where he is Cleo: Zombie, but powered by redstone. Cub: Vex magic Doc: He can reanimate the dead. It’s incredibly draining, but hey its there Evil X: An ex-ymbryne. He created the hollows, but not for the reason you, or the other hermits, think. He retains the ymbryne power of becoming a bird, in this case, a crow. another thing he is, is redeemable. False: basically she’s almost impossible to beat in battle its kinda scary but its also really cool. Grian: hes got birdie wings also hes very light which allows him to fly without using rockets and its kinda like a perpetual slow falling potion. somehow he still manages to splat on the ground lol Impulse: manipulates shadows n darkness. he makes lil shadow puppets for tango n zed bc team zit’s friendship is so fucking cute Iskall: Manipulates slime iskallium. he and jevin claim their abilities are different. He’s also noticed that the area around him gets just a little chillier. Jevin: is being literally made out of slime not peculiar enough for you (he can manipulate slimes) Joe: Ymbryne, again! He’s a bluebird. Also he’s got enhanced synesthesia and it’s pretty rad. Keralis: it is a mystery Mumbo: Living lever. He can activate redstone simply by touching it. He has to think for it to work though.  Python: flowers kinda grow at his feet. because of this hes the master of poison. he uses lilies of the valley in tea to poison enemies. he was once accused of making biffa disappear because of this. Ren: he speaks fluently to animals. haha furry ily Scar: Vex magic... 2! After all the time spent at Area 77 with Doc, he’s also gotten a bit popular with the undead. Stress: Ice magic for the ice queen! Tango: Fire manipulation. He’s always very warm. TFC: He doesn’t seem too special until you look closely at his eyes. One of them is completely white. When X first met him, he just thought he was blind in that eye, until the man saved X’s butt from a wight in Season 5. That is how the server found out their “normal” is part wight. Wels: Metallokinesis! Don’t make him angry. He’ll drop an anvil on you. Xisuma: Yet another ymbryne, and the last one I have to talk about. He’s a snowy owl. Zedaph: He’s kinda what happens if you stay in the End for too long. He’s got a very potent dragon’s breath attack at his fingertips and he has natural dragon wings/horns. also pointy teef and end crystals give him regen. Admittedly this is my headcanon for him already (except the end crystal part), but shhh..

[catholicartistsnyc]

Meet Baltimore Featured Artist: Rebecca Mlinek

REBECCA MLINEK is a Baltimore-based screenwriter, poet, fiction and creative non-fiction (CNF) writer. 

Check out her work: (Upcoming Podcast | Facebook | Short Stories & CNF)

CATHOLIC ARTIST CONNECTION (CAC): Where are you from, and what brought you to Baltimore?

REBECCA MLINEK (RM): I'm from Pittsburgh, Pa. I got married right after college and my new husband's job brought us to Baltimore. That was 20 years ago! It took a while, but Baltimore now feels like home. 

CAC: How do understand your vocation as a Catholic artist? Do you call yourself a Catholic artist? 

RM: This is a tricky question. I don't think I can be anything other than a Catholic (insert noun here) if I take my faith seriously. But at the same time, I don't label myself a "Catholic writer" because Catholics aren't necessarily my audience. Most of my writing community, and most of my audience tend to be non-religious seekers of truth. Those are my people - I get them and I think they get what I do.

I see my mission as a writer as bringing some of the weird, complicated, messy way the world works into greater relief. I often find myself exploring ways in which hope can be found in the midst of pain. Both of these align with Catholic principles, but aren't strictly Catholic ideas. 

CAC: Where have you found support in the Church for your vocation as an artist?

RM: Does your newsletter count? (Editor’s note: It does.) I am lucky to belong to a parish (Mount Calvary in Baltimore) that attracts artists and musicians and scholars, and interacting with my fellow parishioners is always inspiring. But otherwise - I often don't even look to the Church for support in my writing. I, maybe wrongly, assume that the powers-that-be are looking more for propaganda than the challenge of art, and I'm not interested in that kind of writing. 

CAC: Where have you found support among your fellow artists for your Catholic faith?

RM: I've found my fellow artists and writers to be incredibly supportive! Which goes against the popular assumption that "Hollywood" is a bunch of godless monsters. Most of the people I interact with are lovely, caring, and deeply respectful of my religious beliefs, even when they don't understand them. They are, frankly, often more conscientious and respectful than fellow Christians. 

CAC: How can the Church be more welcoming to artists?

RM: Paying us? Ha ha. Actually, I think the main thing the Church needs to do is to embrace being challenged. Loyalty to our faith is not the same thing as refusing to ever acknowledge problems. A spouse who refused to ever consider or face the beloved's faults would be neglecting his or her duty. I think artists are the Church's nagging spouse, and spending more time listening and less time in knee-jerk defensiveness could open up a whole world of beauty we've really almost closed ourselves off from. 

CAC: How can the artistic world be more welcoming to artists of faith?

RM: Honestly, in my experience the artistic world is very welcoming. Most artists understand devotion to an ideal - it's not that long of a jump between that and devotion to a Person. 

CAC: Where in Baltimore do you regularly find spiritual fulfillment? 

RM: Mount Calvary (part of the Personal Ordinariate of the Chair of St. Peter). The liturgy is beautiful and reverent, the people are friendly and wonderfully weird, and the pastor is a truly devoted and hard-working priest. You can find the best book club (like, serious discussion about serious books) I've ever come across. You can find parishioners handing out breakfast sandwiches to the needy on Saturday mornings.  You can find pews crawling (literally) with children - a truly vibrant community. I can't recommend this parish highly enough!

CAC: Where in Baltimore do you regularly find artistic fulfillment?

RM: I sometimes make it to the Baltimore Women in Film Collective, though not enough to call myself part of the group. They are great collection of women, though, and I wish I could make meetings more! I love the Baltimore theater scene - I particularly love the Chesapeake Shakespeare Theater Company. I was gifted season tickets a few times, and thoroughly enjoyed myself. Also, the BSO is a great asset to my city! We are always moved and inspired when we go to a concert. 

CAC: How have you found or built community as a Catholic artist in Baltimore?

RM: I teach writing for high school, which plugs me into the writing community in a very natural way. Writers come to the school to mentor the youth, and I get to connect with them! Also, my students grow up to be passionate and talented writers themselves, and I look forward to the day when most of my prestigious writing contacts are former students!

CAC: What is your daily spiritual practice?

RM: I never write anything (even this) without first saying a section of the Liturgy of the Hours. I'm freewheeling with the time, but I love repeating the psalms - I feel like I slowly absorb ideas that are too deep for me to get after just the first few hundred reads. 

CAC: What is your daily artistic practice? And what are your recommendations to other artists for practicing their craft daily?

RM: I work on my writing every day! But I don't beat myself up if it's working on wording for a website or a grant application rather than creative writing.

My biggest recommendation, actually, is as a mother. Give yourself permission to spend time on your passion! If keeping your counters pristine all day long gives you joy, great! But I promise you, nobody is going to remember how gritty your counter-tops were if you spend that time writing instead. (I know this because my counter-tops are, in fact, truly appalling.) 

CAC: Describe a recent day in which you were most completely living out your vocation as an artist. What happened, and what brought you the most joy?

RM: I recently wrapped recording on a fiction podcast I wrote and directed. It was amazing to me how much energy it gave me! I came home from a long day with no food, having slept very little, but with more energy to hang out with my kids and husband than ever. Seeing my words brought to life was a joy unlike almost anything else. 

CAC: How do you afford housing as an artist?

RM: Both my husband and I work full time - housing in Baltimore isn't horrible (though it's not great), but putting our six daughters through college is a constant financial stress. 

CAC: How do you financially support yourself as an artist?

RM: I teach writing full time for a public magnet high school, which is a nice way to make money as a writer, since I'm immersed in the craft of it constantly. The Stowe Story Lab is a wonderful community of writers, and one I'm very proud and grateful to be a part of. Rocaberti Writers is another group (through their writing retreats in Spain and France) I've been fortunate to join. Online, I've found a lot of support through the Roadmap Writers programs. They really trained me how to pitch myself and my stories, and have connected me to some wonderful and supportive mentors. 

CAC: What other practical resources would you recommend to a Catholic artist living in Baltimore?

RM: Lots of coffee. If you're in Baltimore, I don't know why you'd drink anything other than Zeke's. I also have to mention one of my favorite bars, since I recently published a poem dedicated to it: Max's Taphouse in Fells Point. It's a serious beer bar, old as dirt, and a great place to spend a few hours with friends.

Also - the library! Use your library! Not only are they great for books, they can help with so many things. For my podcast, I was able to rent out a room in the library for auditions, and then again for rehearsals, and it didn't cost me a billion dollars. I love the library! 

CAC: What advice do you have for Catholic artists post-graduation?

RM: Do your art, even if you feel stupid - you might feel like it's a waste of your time, but it isn't! Find people who get it and will support you. Pray - go to adoration, go to mass, pray in the car, pray before you write or paint or whatever it is you do. Let God be a part of your process. 

[creative-type]

How Fullmetal Alchemist Integrates Theme and Character

In a world where everything is subjective and polarizing opinions are the norm, where anti-fans and trolls take ‘love to hate’ a little too far, and where any story popular enough to become a pop-culture phenomenon is almost guaranteed to have a small-but-vocal minority that can’t see what all the fuss is about, I have never once seen, read, or heard of anyone say that Fullmetal Alchemist is a bad story. 

None. 

I’m sure they exist, but during the course of its run Fullmetal Alchemist reached the rarefied air of being almost universally beloved within the manga/anime community and being critically acclaimed as a damn good story. This success is wholly deserved. Arakawa was able to do something that a lot of shonen mangaka can’t, and as a result Fullmetal Alchemist is one of the best plotted, tightly written manga I have ever read. 

Others have and will write about the philosophy Arakawa presents, point out the incredible amount of research she was able to cram into her series, extrapolate on the world building better than I could, but today I want to talk about something I’ve not seen anyone else touch on, and that’s how she integrates her themes into her characterization in order to really drive the point she’s trying to make home. 

So what’s the main theme of Fullmetal Alchemist? Luckily Arakawa tells us directly on the next to last page of the series. 

So let’s pick this apart a little bit

There is nothing to be learned in a lesson without pain, because you can’t gain anything without losing something in exchange. But when you overcome that pain and make the lesson your own you will obtain an infallible, irreplaceable fullmetal heart.

Now since this is a comic we also have to take the image itself into account. None of the photos are of just one person. Even the dog managed to have puppies. So we can assume that the idea of community is also integral to what Arakawa’s trying to say here (I hesitate to say friendship, because, well, not all of these guys are friends, lol). Also, during Edward’s final showdown with Truth he states he’ll make due without his alchemy so long as he’s still got other people he can rely on

And Truth’s response is basically “Ding ding! You finally get it! Go claim your prize at the door, I never want to see your ugly mug again.”

(I don’t know Japanese, but I’m pretty sure that’s an accurate translation)

At its barest bones Fullmetal Alchemist is about overcoming past mistakes with the help of others. This is all fine and dandy, but without proper execution they just become empty words pasted onto the final pages in a halfhearted attempt at depth. I think most people know of stories about sacrificial love where there is neither meaningful sacrifice nor a healthy portrayal of love, or stories about overcoming overwhelming odds through the power of hard work and effort where every victory is handed over on a silver platter of asspulls and accelerated training arcs. It doesn’t matter how good something sounds if the execution sucks.

With that in mind, let’s look at some of the characters of Fullmetal Achemist and the mistakes they’ve made.

Fullmetal Alchemist: A Series of Terrible People Trying to Become Less Terrible

So this one is super easy. We’re presented with our lovable protagonists’s first major screw up on chapter 1, page 1

Oh look, it’s that quote again. Golly gee willikers, it’s almost as if Awakara knew what story she wanted to tell and integrated the main theme from the very beginning.

It’s not terribly uncommon for a manga to make some sort of thesis statement during their first chapter, but from the (few) long-running serializations I’ve read, the longer a series runs the more muddled these things get as far as theme and narrative go. It’s one of the difficult things about trying to keep an audience engaged over a long period of time. 

Fullmetal Alchemist is more tightly plotted than most shonen affairs, but there’s another thing that helps it keep from undercutting its own themes, and that’s that it lets its protagonists actually make terrible mistakes, and more importantly makes them suffer because of it.

The Elric’s attempt to resurrect their mother is never treated as anything but a horrible thing that never should have happened. Yes, the boys’s plight is sympathetic and the loss of their mother after their father abandoned the family was a tragedy, but they were told time and time again that human transformation was not only impossible, but forbidden

Of course the Elric brothers don’t listen, because otherwise there wouldn’t be a series. It cannot be overstated that they purposefully kept their plans secret. They didn’t tell Winry or Izumi or any one else that they were going to try to revive their mother. Perhaps they don’t feel like they can talk to anyone about their grief, but there’s also a definite hubris involved. Edward and Alphonse -- but especially Edward -- think they can accomplish something “adults” have found impossible.

Perhaps if they had talked to Izumi more she would have been able to guide them through their time of grief, but it goes back to one of the main themes of the series: Camaraderie, doing things together, trusting your friends, community as apposed to isolation. The Elric brothers lock themselves away to their father’s dark library and perform illegal experiments in their basement -- hidden from anyone who might try to stop them. 

And they suffer for it. 

(Keep in mind the word ignorant. We’ll be coming back to it later.)

This in and of itself is good, but this message is hammered home by the supporting cast, especially the characters from the military. Remember Roy Mustang, suave up-and-comer who wants to completely reform the government from the inside out for the betterment of the people?

Complicit in genocide

His number 2, all around team mom, and rescuer of cute puppies?

Complicit in genocide

Husband of the year and eternal winner of Best Dad Joke?

Complicit in genocide

Human teddy bear, series aesthete, and walking meme generator?

Complicit in genocide

The beloved small-town doctor?

Complicit in genocide and human experimentation

The grumpy curmudgeon with a hidden heart of gold?

Say it with me now, complicit in  freaking genocide.

That’s just looking at Armestrian military during the civil war. When the series jumps to the present day we see Scar has become a serial killer, while midway through the series Ling willingly becomes the vessel for an inhuman monster, nearly loosing his identity in the process. Hohenheim abandoned his family and was (unwittingly) complicit in a genocide of his own. In her grief Izumi tried to bring back her dead child via human transmutation, violating one of the fundamental laws of alchemy. The list goes on. 

It is impossible to fully implement a theme of overcoming past mistakes without having characters be fully responsible for said mistakes. I feel like it’s a common trap to sacrifice likability for pathos. How easy would it have been to say that Ed and Al couldn’t be held responsible for their actions because they weren’t aware of the consequences, or had never been told that human transformation was forbidden? How easy would it have been to say that the military made Roy and Riza and the rest participate in the Ishvalan massacre?

Luckily the writing never goes this route. While the various characters might not fully understand the ultimate outcome of their choices they never have their agency stripped away by something outside of their control. Each and every character in the series thinks they’re doing the right thing by acting the way they do, which not only makes them feel human as characters but brings me neatly into my second point.

Overcoming Ignorance and Finding Truth

During the Ishvalan flashback we see both Roy and Riza give their initial reason for joining the military, citing their desire to protect others as one of their main motivations.

Edward and Alphonse were young children when their mother died, and their desire to bring her back stems from a child’s love. Izumi and Sig had struggled for years for a child, and the grief of losing a baby after longing for a family for so long led her to try to resurrect her child.

None of these desires are in and of themselves bad, but they stem from a place of ignorance. Attempting human transmutation was forbidden for a reason. The military ended up not being as altruistic as the young soldiers were led to believe. The world, which our main characters looked at as a simple, understandable thing, turned out to be complex, and hard, and unforgiving.

With their worldviews essentially shattered it would have been easy to give up or give in to the darkness that they had seen, but instead each main character decides to take full ownership of their mistakes and takes steps to correct them.

There are very few irredeemable bad guys in Fullmetal Alchemist, and it’s a series that ultimately has a very hopeful view on humanity. Because of this underlying philosophy people are not ruined or broken by their pasts, but rather learn from them. 

This is the Truth that is presented. It’s not facts or book knowledge, which any alchemist capable of performing human transmutation would have in spades, but growth through life experience. Ed and Al see firsthand the evils alchemy can commit and strive to correct them. Roy and Riza stare down the barrel of the military machine and seek to dismantle it, even if it results in their own undoing. Ling learns to recognize the futility of his country’s current clan system and seeks to protect even the weakest of his people. It takes awhile, but Scar realizes that vengeance can only breed violence and strives to rebuild his people instead of the destruction of those who killed them in the first place.

None of these goals can be accomplished alone, building on the theme of camaraderie, but there’s also the side effect of preventing others from going down their path. 

That is Fullmetal Alchemist in a nutshell. It’s a series about flawed people making horrible mistakes, overcoming them with the help of their friends and in turn preventing others going down that dark path of destruction. It’s not a smooth transition, and the lessons learned are full of pain, but in the end you’ll find your own Truth and come out the other side a better person. The rest is just gravy. 

Although I will concede that having a main character who can turn his arm into a knife probably helps.

[jakelace]

2017 IN FILM - PART 1 (84-71)

It’s the most wonderful time of the year again! No, not Christmas. It’s Awards Season, my friends. The time of year where we look back at the films that graced cinemas over the calendar year, and where, just like last year, I tell you all about every new movie I saw in that time. With the announcement of the Academy Awards nominees I’ve decided that we’ll begin our journey today with the worst of the worst that 2017 had to offer. Over the course of the year I saw 84 films. Some were good, some were bad, and still others had Emoji in the title, so without any further ado, my ranked list of every 2017 movie I’ve seen.

84. The Emoji Movie

“We’re number two! We’re number two!”

The Emoji Movie, despite being at the bottom of my rankings, is not the worst movie of 2017. That’s because this ninety minute misstep isn’t a film, it’s an advertisement. While it might seem silly to make such a distinction (there is a plot that actually makes a shred of sense, it’s at least feature length, etc.), it’s incredibly hard to get past just how often this advertisement detours from its central plot just to make a cheap and out of touch product placement for an outdated app like Candy Crush. The Emoji Movie’s greatest offense, however, is when it tries to capitalize on the inherent meme culture that surrounded itself from the pre-production stage by creating a new dance called ‘The Emoji Pop’, that I am absolutely certain they thought was going to catch on with the youth of the world. Sony Pictures Animation’s latest cash-grab is an unoriginal, unfunny, and morally questionable mess. At least the animation is decent?

83. Unforgettable

“There was a time when I thought we were on the road to getting back together...but then he met you.”

Here it is, my lowest rated film of 2017! While a lot of times a movie can be bad for being incoherent, unoriginal, or offensive, I often say that the worst sin a film can commit is being boring. Unforgettable commits that sin. While I can admire Rosario Dawson’s commitment to this truly awful retread of the “crazy ex-wife” trope that was popularized by every Lifetime movie ever, its Katherine Heigl’s performance that makes the film somewhat endurable. It’s over the top in all of the best “so bad it’s good” ways. After thirty minutes of being bored out of my mind I found the best way to get through this cinematic torture was to watch for the next hilariously overacted bit of poorly written dialogue that would come out of Heigl’s mouth. In the end though, you can’t blame her for trying to make the best out of such a predictable and horribly paced film. Unfortunately it would seem that Unforgettable is by far the most forgettable film of 2017.

82. Phoenix Forgotten

“I just want to apologize to Mike's mom, Josh's mom, and my mom. And I'm sorry to everyone.”

Do you remember Phoenix Forgotten? No? Neither do I...yes I know that’s two jokes about forgettable movies with some form of ‘forget’ in the title in a row, but I just couldn’t help myself. Just like the screenwriters for this film couldn’t help themselves from stealing every plot point in the movie from not only the 1999 horror classic The Blair Witch Project, but also taking several ideas from last year’s sequel; Blair Witch. It’s absolutely shameless how little originality can be found within the film’s eighty minute runtime. The film follows three college high-school students lost in the woods desert, searching for a witch aliens who terrorize a town, while footage from the present day follows the protagonist’s brother sister who is still haunted by the sudden disappearance of their sibling. All of this blatant plagiarism wouldn’t have even been so bad had the movie at least been decent, but who needs to make a good film when you can just ride on the coat tails of a horror film that is already beloved? No other release this year sparked such a passionately heated response from me which shocks myself the most considering I’m not even that big of a fan of The Blair Witch Project in the first place! Oh well...at least they don’t fight about a map in this one...or did they?

81. The Bye Bye Man

“Don’t think it! Don’t say it!”

If Phoenix Forgotten is horrible for being unoriginal, then The Bye Bye Man is horrible for being completely and laughably incompetent in every way. The entire film is based on the premise that if you say or think his name then he will come and...make you go bye-bye? The rules are completely unclear, and that’s a huge part of the problem. The threat of the Bye Bye Man (I seriously hate that name) is hindered by the fact that it’s impossible to understand what his powers are. Sometimes he can make our poorly acted main characters see things that aren’t really there. Sometimes he can possess them. Sometimes he can...make them impotent? Who encouraged the thought that that would be a good thing to include in their supernatural horror film? Like, I get it, erectile dysfunction is a serious and scary thing that affects more than three million American men every year, but it’s not really the kind of fear I’m looking for in a movie called The Bye Bye Man. I’d continue to discuss this one, but, I mean, it’s all in the name. Also in this scene from the movie. Enjoy.

80. Amityville: The Awakening

“God gave up on us, sweetheart...”

I had been watching the post-production and release of this film very closely for years before it was eventually released this past October. While that might not seem too out of the ordinary, you have to keep in mind that this was filmed in 2014. That is three years of reshoots and pushed back releases. However, when all seemed bleak and I thought I might never get the chance to watch what was sure to be a glorious train wreck, the film was released to own for free on the Google Play store. However, even with my rock bottom expectations, I was still disappointed by Amityville: The Awakening. While I was expecting something laughably bad, what I got was an end product that was more boring than anything else. And while I haven’t seen any of the other films in the Amityville franchise, I can’t help but feel contempt for its continued use of a real family’s suffering all in the name of making money. I guess it’s a good thing this one only made $742 dollars on its opening weekend then, yeah?

79. Wish Upon

“Hold up, you dig on multiverses?”

One shot. I liked one shot in this entire movie. Everything else is lazily written drivel. It’s not all that hard to get me on board for a movie with Final Destination style deaths. I love how silly and over-the-top those films are, and I’ve always thought that bringing that style of Rube Goldberg death traps into more films could provide for entertaining new ideas. This movie has none of that. Its biggest offenses, however, come when it also tries to tackle the well-worn “be careful what you wish for” message. Besides the weird moment where Joey King’s character wishes that her dad would become cooler which then in turn leads to her friend wanting to to sleep with him, the moral of the story is so trite at this point that even adding a horror element into the mix can’t save this from being nothing but bland. Looks like the director should have wished for a better movie.

78. Rings

“There's a mark on your hand. It says ‘rebirth’.”

If Rings was an attempt to bring the horror franchise into modern technology by presenting Samara’s video as a metaphorical computer virus, or even commenting on the state of internet content as a whole, then this movie completely fails on that front. Seriously, the only time this movie even brings that aspect into play is in the last two minutes of the film. No joke. Everything else up to that point is a senseless retread of the previous two American films in the franchise. On top of that, it is easy to tell that Rings fell victim to countless reshoots and rewrites. There is no finer example of that than the fact that this film has two cold opens. It’s almost as though they had the plane cold open (the one from all of the trailers) from a previous version of the movie and thought it was just so good that they couldn’t leave it on the cutting room floor. If it were up to me I would have left the entire film on the cutting room floor.

77. The Mummy

“Sometimes it does take a monster to fight a monster.”

How do you kill an entire cinematic universe in one fell swoop? Ask The Mummy. Sure, that might be a low blow, but The Mummy is one of the most sorry excuses for a blockbuster I’ve ever seen. When the entire conflict of your entire supernatural action flick can be boiled down to ‘who would Tom Cruise rather sleep with? A mummy or an alive woman’ you know you went wrong somewhere down the line. The worst part about this is that there are moments where you can see where they’re coming from and what they’re trying to accomplish, but they just can’t seem to make any logical sense of it. Scenes are often rushed or dragged on for far too long and it becomes clear that nobody involved had any grasp on how a film should be paced...or written...or acted...or made at all.

76. Rock Dog

“Dad, I’ve decided to become a musician.”

I barely remember this movie. There is a dog. He shoots lasers out of his hands (not kidding). He rocks I’m guessing. I know I watched this, but everything about it was so generic and well-worn that I felt like I had seen this before, just done a lot better. I had never seen laser dog hands before though. Sure the moral about following your dreams and standing up for what you believe in is good, but when it comes to children’s entertainment you can do so much better. Unless you want to see a dog shoot lasers out of his hands. This movie has got you covered on that.

75. Fist Fight

“Teachers can’t fight!”

I wanted to really enjoy Fist Fight. It’s filled to the brim with actors I find quite funny, like Charlie Day, Jillian Bell, and Kumail Nanjiani, but it’s hard for these comedic talents to find anything to work with when the plot for the film is so bare-bones. Outside of the original comedic value in thinking of teachers fist fighting in the schoolyard, it’s hard to find much else to do with that premise. Nothing speaks more to the failure of this film than the fact that I didn’t laugh even once. The story is dumb, the jokes are played out, and worst of all the director wastes some of the best comedic actors in the industry on a movie that barely even functions.

74. Split

“Someone's coming for you, and you're not gonna like it.”

Controversial Opinion Alert! When I first saw Split I felt like I was alone on my island of disapproval of this film. The world seemed to be completely sold on M. Night Shyamalan’s most recent directorial endeavor, but something just felt off to me about it. It took me a few months and discussions with my friend Aaron when he finally cracked the case wide open; while everyone was expecting the film to vilify individuals with mental illness, the exact opposite comes true in the final act. Split goes so far as to glorify mental illness and being ‘broken’ in a way that feels unbelievably gross to me. If you want to read more of my thoughts about the exposition-heavy writing side of the film you can do so here, but I can’t even begin to explain how horrible of a message this is, so let’s just move on, shall we?

73. Sandy Wexler

“You can’t stop a shooting star, scientists have proven this.”

If it weren’t for its ungodly long runtime and constant detours into meaningless garbage, Sandy Wexler might actually be alright. In fact, this film does something that an Adam Sandler film hasn’t done for a very long time: it made me laugh. Sure it was just once and every other attempt at humor is just as overdone and juvenile as anything else he’s made, but a small step in the right direction is still a step. Last year for my ‘year in review’ I covered another Adam Sandler flick called The Do-Over, and in that mini review I called Sandler’s recent string of films a downward spiral in quality and ability. Now, if that was true, then Sandy Wexler is the first step towards getting out of that creative hole he’s found himself in. What can I say? I’m an optimist.

72. Despicable Me 3

“You told me my father died of disappointment the day I was born!”

Despicable Three (yes I’m calling it that and there is nothing anyone can do to stop me) is the same brand of gutter trash we’ve come to expect from Illumination Studios. The story is nonsensical, the animation is sinfully simplistic, and the Minions...my god...the Minions. Once again, I have to ask how Illumination Studios have become so popular with American audiences? I truly do not understand. Every character, every plot line, every joke feels focus tested to death. There is no originality in any of these frames. The heart and soul of the original is gone and replaced with Minions merchandise. Every decision seems to be based around how merchandisable they can make every second of their sensory overloading piece of garbage they have the nerve to call a film. I hate Despicable Three and everything it stands for. That being said, I love hearing Trey Parker’s voice come out of a children’s cartoon. 

71. The Circle

“Knowing is good, but knowing everything is better.”

I love how much I hate The Circle. If you’re looking for a basic description of what this YA fiction masterpiece in preaching is all about, then imagine Black Mirror, but remove all of the subtlety and nuance about a world run by tech and replace it with a caveman grunting “technology bad.” There you have it, a screenplay worthy of Tom Hanks and Emma Watson’s time and talent. Just kidding. Why would they ever agree to this? Maybe they too hate the dangers of social media so much that they can look past all the good it can do. The worst part about it all though is that the film constantly insults the intelligence of its audience by claiming that there is no healthy middle ground to take between being completely obsessed with technology and living off the grid entirely. Which reminds me? Why are you reading this online? Go make weird deer antler ornaments or something you tech junkie.

That’s all for today, but join me tomorrow as I cover three bombastic blockbusters, two unsettlingly bad thrillers, and one movie about a baby that’s also a boss...no hints.

[lindsglenne]

While there is no plus side to COVID-19 and the scary, horrible world we’re living in right now, the content being released is pretty incredible.

During this time, I’ve been feeling massive amounts of helplessness and guilt. So many people have lost their lives, or have dedicated themselves to be on the frontlines helping people. All I’m able to do is to stay inside and where a mask if I must leave the house. I know that it’s important, but I still feel so guilty for not doing more—and I know I’m not alone in feeling this way.

I think it’s so great that people in the entertainment industry are coming together to beat their own feelings of helplessness the only way they know how: through their art. Some are as simple as reading children’s books on Instagram Live, while others are full-on live streamed comedy shows. I wish to share some of my favorite pieces of content that have come out of this quarantine. Some are still available to watch or listen and others were only available for a short time. I will try to include as many fundraiser links as I can.

TV

Many shows (both old and new) have been reuniting to do table reads of fan favorite episodes to raise money for COVID-19 relief. A great thing about these specials is that they are still available on YouTube.

Parks and Recreation Special for Feeding America

The full cast (and some fan-favorite recurring characters) of my favorite show came together to put on a completely new episode, done entirely in quarantine. The first half-hour was a nice retrospective talking about the show from the first season and how beloved it still is after ending five years ago, followed by the new episode. I was so happy, I cried for the whole hour.

Community

The study group reunited (yes, even Donald Glover!) for a table read of Season 5, Episode 4: “Cooperative Polygraphy,” followed by a Q/A session. It was so fun to see these guys have so much fun reading the episode. They raised money for José Andrés’ World Central Kitchen and Frontline Foods

Chuck

My favorite spy show came back for a table read of Season 3, Episode 9 “Chuck Versus The Beard.” This kicked off Entertainment Weekly’s #UnitedAtHome series, bringing shows together to raise money for Feeding America’s COVID-19 Response Fund

Big Mouth

Their massive cast did a table read and Q/A of Season 3, Episode 6 “How To Have An Orgasm.” Creepy and hilarious to hear Nick Kroll do all his voices for the millions of characters he plays—especially the Hormone Monster. The were also raising money for Feeding America.

Podcasts

Now that people have nothing but time, there seems to be an influx of new podcasts. Plus, a lot of already established podcasts are finding ways to still create episodes despite being in quarantine.

Fake Doctors, Real Friends

One of my favorite friendship duo has come together for a little bit of a rewatch. A Scrubs rewatch! Starting from Episode 101, Zach Braff and Donald Faison are doing a complete rewatch of the beloved show that ran from 2001-2010. You get to hear about the inner workings of the making of the show, plus the blossoming of their best friendship. They’ve done 14 episodes (two eps a week!) and have already had three of the other main characters and the creator (twice) in as guests. They sound like they’re having the best time reminiscing about a project that meant so much to them, personally and professionally.

Stay F. Homekins

The King of Podcasts and his queen are ending their week with a chat and some weekend water. Paul F. Tompkins and Janie Haddad Tompkins give their listeners a peak into their lives as they recap their previous week in quarantine. It’s a rare treat to have PFT not being behind a character and I really love their dynamic.

Oh, Hello: The P’dcast

Those crazy Tunaheads George St. Geegland and Gil Faizon (John Mulaney and Nick Kroll) have realized that True Crime podcasts are very popular, so they decided to start one following the death of Princess Diana. They’ve had guests like Lin-Manuel Miranda, John Oliver, and Ira Glass. It’s just a whole bunch of nonsense, but I love it.

YouTube

YouTubers Mamrie Hart, Hannah Hart, and Grace Helbig have done seven live streams to benefit No Kid Hungry

Disney on Broadway 25th Anniversary Concert to benefit Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS

Stars in the House, hosted by Seth Rudetsky & James Wesley, is live streaming daily until Broadway reopens to support The Actor’s Fund and its services.

Acting for a Cause is streaming plays like Hamlet, Pride and Prejudice, and Jane Eyre with some of Hollywood’s up-and-coming stars like Justice Smith, Natalia Dyer, and Madelaine Petsch.

One World: Together at Home in collaboration with the World Health Organization (WHO) and Global Citizen featured a line-up of performances from all over the world: John Legend, Lady Gaga, Lizzo, ect.

There are plenty more events that have happened that I’m missing, but these are some things that have brought me some comfort in the past two and a half months. I shall leave you with a live rendition of the Community theme song that happened during their table read and it really made me happy.

Stay safe, stay inside, and WEAR A MASK!

Coming Together During Quarantine While there is no plus side to COVID-19 and the scary, horrible world we're living in right now, the content being released is pretty incredible.

[f4liveblogarchives]

Fantastic Four Vol. 1 #97

Sun March 18 2018 [15:32:14] <Wackd> BEEEEAAAACH EEEEEPIIIIISOOOOODE!!!

[15:33:09] <Wackd> oh it's not a beach episode [15:33:12] <Wackd> just a cool cover :( [15:33:29] <maxwellelvis> And an odious tradition begins... [15:33:30] <Inbarfink> Boooooooo! [15:33:47] <Wackd> They WERE vacationing by a beach [15:34:25] <Wackd> But the story starts in media res, after their vacation has been interrupted by the Navy asking them to investigate sinkings in Lost Lagoon [15:34:35] <maxwellelvis> I take it Ms Harkness would not be joining them in that vacation [15:34:50] <Wackd> It's vampires that burn in sunlight, not witches! [15:35:02] <maxwellelvis> I know [15:35:07] <Wackd> Also so hey, uh. [15:35:23] <Wackd> Maybe if you didn't want ships to disappear here ya shouldn't have called it Lost Lagoon. [15:36:16] <maxwellelvis> Yeah [15:36:34] <Wackd> So, Reed, Johnny, and Ben (no Sue I guess) are attacked in their vessel by a killer whale. They suspect it might be Namor for a hot second, but then realize he'd probably just show up and start punching them, which checks out. [15:37:04] <Wackd> Ben thinks the whale mighta caused the sinkings, but it turns out that many of the survivors have reported sightings of "a monster in human form". [15:38:11] <Wackd> Also, apparently Tony Stark designed this submarine. Which is weird, right? With the exception of that one thing they got from T'Challa, I kinda figured the implication was that Reed built all their weird vehicles. [15:38:36] <Wackd> I can't imagine Tony sitting down and going "hm, you know, robot suits are cool, but I could *really* do with a submarine." [15:38:44] <Duraz> are they trying to keep people in their specialties? [15:38:53] <Duraz> I mean, they're usually bad at that [15:39:01] <Inbarfink> Does Reed have a specialty? [15:39:16] <Inbarfink> I thought he was a scientist, that studies science [15:39:27] <Duraz> my take would have been, like, particle physics [15:39:34] <Wackd> Transport kinda IS Reed's specialty! Like, he investigates deep space and microverses and negative zones, and then build things that take his team there. [15:40:13] <Wackd> Insofar as he's been confined to a field--and I'm not saying he's never dipped into other fields, especially when un-Thinging Ben is concerned--exploration has been it. [15:40:26] <Duraz> true enough [15:40:38] <maxwellelvis> I think, iirc, the last few times they went underwater, transport was provided for them, and I guess Reed never thought to build a submarine. [15:41:33] <Wackd> Man, I know we've already got Namor and all that stuff, but I would dig an arc where the Four had a deep-sea exploration and found, like, really bizarre shit down there. [15:42:04] <Wackd> I think people underestimate how much of the ocean floor we've actually covered, and just because Atlantis exists in Marvel doesn't mean that Atlantis is on the same level as giant squids or whatever. [15:42:35] <Duraz> reminds me of a time when I was playing Ultimate Alliance with a friend who doesn't read comics [15:42:49] <Duraz> "Looks like we're going to Atlantis," I said.  "Okay.  Awesome!" he replied. [15:43:14] <maxwellelvis> "Oh fuck," I think. As I recall that being the worst level in that game. [15:43:44] <Wackd> 1. Johnny, it's okay to be emotional. 2. oh my god that righthand panel is fantastic on so many levels

[15:44:46] <maxwellelvis> Strong men also cry, Johnny. Strong men also cry. [15:46:38] <Wackd> Admittedly, I don't have an encyclopedic knowledge of the first 100 issues, especially since I read many of them back in 2016. But this take on Johnny as a lady magnet feels new to me. If nothing else, it's leaning into him as the "youth culture" member of the team more than we've done in a damn long while.

[15:47:19] <maxwellelvis> It's been part of his character in Spider-Man, at least. [15:47:30] <maxwellelvis> As part of the contrasting between Johnny and Peter. [15:47:46] <Wackd> Makes sense. Has he been a regular over there? [15:48:15] <Wackd> (I mean, Spider-Man as a book also has a lot more time for civilians than Fantastic Four tends to, Alicia excepted.) [15:50:26] <maxwellelvis> Wackd: He pops up every now and then [15:50:57] <maxwellelvis> In the early years, mostly to be everything Peter wishes he could be: [15:51:13] <maxwellelvis> Cool, confident, popular, a hit with the ladies, beloved by the public, etc [15:51:37] <Wackd> I like that Reed just sort of assumes that his being around isn't a prerequisite for Sue to enjoy herself, as though on some subconscious level he knows how shitty he is.

[15:53:34] <Wackd> SO! Turns out the monster has some sort of chemical that can change him into a human being (or vice versa?) He's currently "undercover" as a dolphin trainer at an aquarium. [15:54:38] <Wackd> I like that Reed immediately cracking the plot is depicted here not as him being incredibly smart, but as him being a workaholic who's reaction to a fun trip to the aquarium is "what if the dolphin trainer is a villain?"

[15:55:11] <Wackd> (Also, uh, can you sit on dolphins like that without hurting them? That seems wrong.) [15:55:47] <Duraz> I guess they ought to be able to take a lot of pressure [15:56:35] <Wackd> PROBABLY not this much pressure, though, right?

[15:57:09] <Wackd> I feel like you PROBABLY can't toss a pilot whale INTO A WALL without something going horribly wrong somewhere. [15:58:47] <Wackd> The whale lives! (But Ben won't enjoy it.)

[15:59:57] <Wackd> So! It turns out our baddie can't speak in human form. (Possibly also in monster form?) I didn't notice, because villains having an ongoing internal monologue is par for the course at this point, but huh, yeah. This guy hasn't said a word so far. [16:01:16] <Wackd> (In an earlier panel, Ben jokes about him being "a real chatterbox." Because the baddie hadn't had a chance to say anything yet, I assumed Ben was making a joke about Reed not being able to shut up, but nah, he's making jokes about a guy he just met not talking, cool) [16:02:07] <Wackd> Indeed, as our baddie volunteers to lead Reed, Ben, and Johnny on a deep-sea expedition, it is CONSISTENTLY pointed out that he can't talk, with Reed finding it odd. [16:02:16] <Wackd> Does...does Stan not know mute people exist? [16:02:49] <Wackd> Like sure, it's not like this guy is using sign language or writing things down--he doesn't even seem to use body language, which makes me wonder how it was determined he wanted to tag along. [16:03:48] <Wackd> Anyway. Ben determines the baddie has led them into a bog, and that it'd be difficult for them to maneuver out, like he's trying to get us stuck down here with no way out!" [16:04:19] <Wackd> So this story is basically about our heroes assuming some rando is a villain because he doesn't speak and is too good at doing dolphin shows for tourists, and being validated in that belief. Cool. [16:05:59] <Wackd> The baddie busts up their submarine, and only Ben can hold his breath long enough to save Reed and Johnny. All the while thinking about how his life is worthless compared to theirs. [16:06:12] <Wackd> Ben: capable of hating himself while saving people from drowning. [16:07:56] <Duraz> hmm, whales were able to ram wooden ships, but still... [16:08:21] <Wackd> So, Ben fights the monster, then Johnny and Reed wake up, and then all three fight the monster. Fight fight fight. The monster makes a retreat. [16:08:33] <Wackd> Monster design, by the way? Real boring. Basically just a Creature from the Black Lagoon ripoff. [16:09:05] <Inbarfink> So when will Johnny start banging the monster? [16:09:13] <Wackd> pffffffffffft [16:09:49] <Wackd> So Ben's solution to having lost track of the monster is to just. Punch the walls of the cave they're in so all the walls collapse and the monster will have nowhere to hide. [16:10:02] <Wackd> Which I'm sure is a thing you can do while maintaining structural integrity. [16:10:28] <Duraz> he's gonna get buried if he keeps doing that [16:12:20] <Wackd> I mean, I suppose it's possible Ben knows enough about this sort of thing to make it work. https://usercontent.irccloud-cdn.com/file/2ED37f5X/IMG_1564.PNG [16:13:44] <Wackd> ...well, now I feel like kind of a jerk. [16:14:20] <Wackd> Turns out the baddie wasn't a baddie at all. He's a stranded alien who was only trying to collect water for him to breath once he repaired his spaceship and could make a return trip. [16:14:43] <Wackd> He was attacking the boats because he thought he'd be attacked if discovered. [16:15:24] <Wackd> So the entire POINT of this issue is that you shouldn't jump to conclusions about people just because they're strange. [16:15:53] <Wackd> Maybe, if they wanted that to work, they shouldn't have had Reed been right every time he suspects anyone ever in all previous issues? [16:15:57] <Wackd> Just a thought. [16:16:48] <Wackd> anyway fish boobs

[16:17:12] <Wackd> (maybe they're just friends, reed, you don't know) [16:17:34] <Wackd> OH HEY ALSO! The monster STILL can't speak! Reed is still just jumping to random conclusions! [16:17:49] <Wackd> So I guess the actual moral is that Reed is always right even when he's wrong. [16:18:04] <Inbarfink> Goddamit Reed and his Heteronomativity [16:18:19] <Wackd> those last three words are superfluous [16:19:09] <Wackd> HEY BEN MAYBE YOU SHOULD'VE BEEN A BIT MORE UNDERSTANDING IN THIS SITUATION

[16:19:31] <Wackd> didn't i just do a thing a few issues ago about how it's weird that ben is the quickest to judge considering his own issues [16:19:35] <Wackd> is that just a trait he has now [16:22:56] <Wackd> yeah, here--where he has no sympathy for mole man https://f4liveblogarchives.tumblr.com/post/171974975823/fantastic-four-vol-1-90 [16:23:44] <Duraz> not very introspective, for all the time he spends in his own head [16:23:59] <Wackd> Anyway the alien takes off, Reed works out the alien and the murder dolphin guy were the same dude, the issue ends [16:24:11] <Wackd> That sure was a thing