#a month ago i was on 4-5 a week
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i think I might have a condition where I cannot watch Christmas rom coms around christmas ever :(
#fr tho#a month ago i was on 4-5 a week#eat sleep dream christmas rom coms baby#happens every year#anti christmas spirit ig#lol maybe this blog will have an update by the new year peace out ✌️
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how to feel excited about my own projects again
#writeblr#i need more passion more passion more energy more energy#no but fr#i'm motivated for half an hour every three months#and then i fall back into this passionless state#it's been three years like at some point creativity and motivation have to return?#why not now?#i have four more weeks of no uni#but i'd rather scroll through instagram reels than write?#(i tried the no social media route it didn't help)#it's just with 5 senses i have no clue what should happen in that fourth arc#taoki is too difficult to write#itlot feels meh#and project 4 is nice but also a bit meh#everything feels a bit meh#then i think maybe i am not made for big projects#maybe reading and writing defined a big part of my life but the phase has ended#maybe it will return when i am sixty#and i should try a different hobby then#and sure i can go 'but every word is progress' but that's just fucking exhausting#i could write 5k a day some years ago and feel good about it and now every sentence feels like i am sacrificing my liver#and that's not a fun feeling#and if writing is supposed to be a fun hobby but writing feels like a god's punishment then why am i even doing it you know#maybe i just miss community and stuff. maybe i just need some positive social reinforcement#but guess what i need to do to get that#exactly.#rant#rie rambles#or smth
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yeah sure that's how i'll [re]come out
#zymart#zymtalk#rant in the tags ->#okay listen to me this is really important and also i have a witness. this was not intentionally supposed to be posted on june 1st#the stars just aligned for this to be at its funniest. which means its also easier for me to dismiss LOL#i drew this like a week ago after trying to draw a whole like. 5 page comic about it and then stopping it mid-board#bc it was horrifying imagining being perceived that much. so i needed to make it into a joke instead and this was the funniest route#and then i was like 'UGH. UGH!!!! i can not be 20 and deal with this like im 13. if i dont post it by the end of the week#then [the witness to all my rants on this topic. shoutout to twig bc they got the most of it] can joke abt it as if i did anyway'#and now its the end of the week and i looked at the date and went 'oh my god didnt may just start what happened'#'WAIT ITS JUNE FIRST. GOD. THATS TOO FUNNY TO NOT SAY SOMETHING' and who am i if i dont prioritize the bit honestly#in all honesty. kinda hate it! not bc of internalized homophobia but actually bc of internalized arophobia that has somehow been emphasized#after having my brain shift from '1000% aromantic without a doubt no exceptions' to 'just arospec ig lol??'#but tragically as it turns out. you can not just try and self analyze yourself into speedrunning closure.#horrible news for the oscar zymstarz community frankly#SO i needed a way 2 justify shoving this off my plate and into the trash as fast as possible.#im impatient and cant acknowledge my own emotions. its a flaw im working on it#oh and for all the ppl who know the running gag abt 'my allegations' [i do not have any real allegations for anyone not in jems server]:#that was in fact just a running gag for like well over a year and a half. like that was just a long running bit COMPLETELY unrelated to thi#i only started having this weird sexuality shift or whatever not too long ago lol. like long enough to go through 4 of the 5 stages of grie#[evidently bc like. im posting this. i got close enough to 5 to throw in the towel ykwim]#but on 'oscar zymstarz emotional acknowledgement' time that is....... not long.#but yeah ig tldr like. still ace [thank god] just arospec [probably demiro? i hate trying to figure out my own labels] instead of Aro now#idk none of this is that deep but also like it kinda is unfortunately bc i have to actually talk abt it to be able to ignore it ykwim#but i did! we're done talking abt it now! and now i can act like i dont care and try to make jokes about it to speedrun the rest of it#anyway. Happy Pride everyone. Fukign kitty.#side message to jem. by no means does this mean im not still gonna bully you. its a sign of love but also it is you specific bullying 🫶#you are not safe#edit: this is karma for saying 'thank god'. might be demiace too. this is the worst month of my life /j
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the real question regarding olicharles is is it us who are delusional and looking for ✨love kernels✨ in what they do or are they purposefully doing what they’re doing and olicharles is, in fact, in making
#I can’t believe that I started shipping them thanks to you tumblr ppl like 5? 4 weeks ago#it’s been a month already#who would’ve thought#oliver putnam#charles haden savage#olicharles#only murders in the building
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Person A: Do you want a beer? I’m paying.
Person B, going through the restaurant’s menu: No. Ugh, where’s the good stuff?
Person A, half jokingly: I thought you were an alcoholic.
Person B: Exactly. I’d need at least, like, four beers — without food — to get slightly buzzed, and my stomach can’t fit over 2 beers in it. I’m small. I’ll have a rum, neat.
#source: me#incorrect quotes#incorrect quotes ideas#incorrect quotes prompts#tw: drug mention#tw: drugs#i used to be so small when all i did was heroin and ketamine. since i started drinking (i only started drinking every night because the-#-opiate withdrawal was so fucking bad alcohol was the only thing that kept my legs from kicking all night long and my skin from feeling-#-like it was on cold wet fire somehow)#anyway. when all i did was opiates ™ i was like 45 kg and i’m 165 aka 5’5 like i looked like a sickly model#now it’s only been a month drinking and not doing morphine or some shit and i already gained 12 kg it’s insane i’m like almost 60 kg now#i’m queueing this for a month from now so hopefully it’ll have been 2 months when this gets posted#and like i say i’m an alcoholic cause i don’t think it’s normal to drink like 5 nights a week but i’m not chemically dependent on it like i-#-was with opiates like i’m sober half the time. ive never done surgery while drunk for instance. there was this one time i had just had 4-#-shots in the bathroom in secret cause i was having a panic attack and didn’t know what else to do but anyway.#and they asked me if i wanted to close up on a tubal ligation and i passed on the opportunity even though i was Fine bc idk i just didn’t-#-feel good ab it. which is more than i can say for my professor tbh#like some other medical intern said ‘wow it must be so hard having to be On Call 24/7. like i bet u can’t even drink’#and he said ‘oh come on surgeons have lives too. in fact i drank more than a few beers just a few hours ago lol’ and proceeded to cut-#-someone open#anyway. yeah. i don’t get drunk at work yk#felt like i had to make that clear
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dark room + black cat + bad phone camera makes taking pictures of her very difficult
#🔪.text#my pets#spider#cats#she needs to stop getting big right now#she must be kitten sized forever#how is she 4 months old already. how is she almost 5.#stop that.#you're my baby you're growing too fast!!!#i swear i could fit you easily in one hand just a couple weeks ago wtf
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#i KNOW my mental health is down the drain because i woke up panicking at 4:30am for seemingly no good reason#and that was half an hour ago and i still can't go back to sleep#and i've been feeling exhausted and on the edge about switching from this dual deal of education and job training#to a full time 8 to 5 deal#for the past 2 months#kept saying that i need a break soon or i'm gonna burn out but also kept pushing myself through daily sensory overload because#i kept telling myself that there are only a couple few weeks left of this and i can do it#and now there's exactly one week left of it all until i finally get a month off and i need to do my best to keep myself from tossing it all#out the window#because i'm worried about not being able to keep up with a full time job i now signed a three year contract for#considering this half time deal already took everything out of me#it's super frustrating because for a while there i really thought i'm on top of my shit but now i'm showing symptoms of an impending#mental breakdown and i have a month to get all of this under control somehow or i'm gonna blow my chance at a job i've been working my ass#off for the past six months to a) get it in the first place and b) earn important certificates for it#and a month is just not enough to get an appointment with a counselor who i can talk to about this#and once i'm working i'll hardly have any time left for appointments considering the insane amount of time i'll be spending commuting#to work every day because i didn't yet receive the bonus payment towards a car i was promised for my efforts here#genuinely wish i had someone i could rely on during times like these but i am basically providing for my entire environment and i just#gotta keep going somehow idk#rant#gonna try to get another half an hour of sleep in now i guess
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crimes of the future was sooo much fun actually... not quite on naked lunch level but straight to 2nd in my cronenberg rankings 😏
#i missed another cronenberg movie night a few months ago i think so need to catch up on that one..#we're gonna get thru his entire filmography together or die trying <3 next up is total recall 1990 tho wooohoo#we have a pool of movie recs n randomly select 3 to vote on each week n all our individual ratings are in a shared spreadsheet#yeah we're all autistic. why do u ask#i think ive only missed like 4-5 other movies so im close to filling in all the blanks on my scoreboard..#i should try n do another this weekend maybe in the bg while i draw or smth#but yesss... okay i need to collapse NOW before i have to do another work day running on 4 hours of sleep 😭#early night tmr hopefully so i can be out late at the gym thurs yippeee#goodnight every1#.diaries
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Hey ^^
Just finished catching up on the victors - just wanted to pop in and let you know that I'm enjoying it immensely and am very curious to see where you'll go with it.
Hope you have a great day ^^
thank you anon, i’m so glad you like it!!!! theoretically i’ll be updating Soon; chapter 4 is very close to being done and i’m extreeeemely excited for where it’s gonna go from there 😈
appreciate your message, thanks again for reaching out <3 hope you have a great day too!!
#sterge.eml#appreciate this message so much tbh. i’m very proud of that story#so nice to hear somebody likes it 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰#just hope i don’t lose people as it’s gonna get kind of uh. Ambitious#poor old man clod#between the boys and them girls i’ve been neglecting the vickyvesties for a minute now#i realized i had a problem with my pacing in my outline and had to restructure chapters 4 and 5#figured out i’d be introducing and resolving a conflict in the same chapter. can’t be doing that.#spent a long minute trying to sort that out#then when pride month hit i realized i was about to pull another femslash february and spend the month writing about an old man#so had to amend that and write a bunch of gay shit. you know how it goes.#but like a week ago somethin clicked and i figured out how to fix my issue with the chapter 🙌🙌🙌🙌#the vesties have been marinating for so long but now i’m ready to COOK!!!!!!!!#sooooo stoked for chapter 5… i’ve been waiting to write this chapter the whole time. i’m so excited about it.#i’m honestly struggling not to spoil shit ‘cause i’m so jazzed about what’s coming#i hope it lives up to how much i’ve hyped it up for myself ‘cause i cannot fucking wait to get to it#unfortunately i do think it will end up as six chapters now due to the pacing changes. oops.#back when i posted chapter one i said it would be three… shows what i know#can you believe i said i’d have an update schedule when i dropped the first two chapters. delusional of me.#i love lying#anyway. there’s more information about the situation with that story than anyone wanted or asked for lmao.#i should stop rambling in my tags so much but alas i don’t think i will.
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Chapter 10 done \o/
#salad-txt#baby steps or something#hey time to bitch in the tags#a few weeks ago I was talking to a coworker (who knows I write) how I aim for 300w/day#and she was - absolutely serious btw - like that's so little#don't you usually do much more is that writer's block#and it's just so discouraging??#yes I did much more when I did nothing fucking else for 4-5 months#no lazying around playing games almost no book read#(also no gw expac in that year lol)#but I can't keep that up or I'll go insane and also can we not underestimate how hard it is to do it literally every day#perhaps it's not quite 300/day but one day 100 and one day 500 but I try to get a bit done every day and have 10k at the end of month#for months. oh a migraine an evening out or whatever. well those missing words keep piling up#i've done multiple nanos before I know that and I need a goal that's low enough I can recover a missed day or two without hating my life#and let's not go to where that also applies for everything else. but you did that once so you must be able to do that again don't be lazy#do you really believe the tone of 'well you did better once before so every other attempt is worthless' is encouraging??#nope makes me stop trying why bother if i am never gonna be good enough or if i am it will make future me more miserable
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feeling incredibly alone
#;; blue talks#/vent#/negative#a month left on my thesis my supervisor basically mentions a bunch of fundamental issues with my analyses/methods#she could have mentioned all these things during my proposal /nine months ago/#why would she do this when i literally have 4 weeks left#my family and friends try to cheer me up but they cant say anything to fix this and i dont want to keep burdening them by complaining#but i spent 5 hours crying uninterruptedly yesterday#im so tired#im never going to graduate im gonna become an unemployed autistic statistic#i really cant catch a break with this whole goddamn process
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#I am screaming through gritted teeth#no one respects my time or effort or the sacrifice of a week of PTO for a stupid family reunion I did not want or ask for#but I am hosting because I didn’t want to travel with a 4-5 month old either#and no one had a DAMN piece NOT A FRAGMENT of input for MONTHS#and NOW they wanna ask can we do this? can we do that?#the answer should be NO#because we are two days away and the time for planning ended at least a WEEK ago#if you really care you should have asked THEN#these people (my in-laws) were raised in a barn I sweat#*swear#tbd
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idk what it is with me and becoming ridiculously obsessed with songs as soon as they come out but its a growing theme.
#cat got too the top of my past 4 weeks on the day it came out because i had it on repeat for basically the entire day#rn its my top song of all time#and now this one from the new hypmic album?? its already in my top 5 all time of the past 6 months#and it came out TWO DAYS AGO#milgram#hypnosis mic
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also, hello padisarah nonnie !! it's good to see you again :>
i decided to not answer your ask regarding the wholeeee stuff.. because i don't really care what they want to do anymore. i've done my part of speaking up about their behaviours and calling them out - which made a lot of people open their eyes for once instead of ignoring the warnings they got from me or other people. and i think that's all i want to do.
THIS WILL FORMALLY BE THE LAST POST ABOUT THEM. I will not answer any asks regarding it anymore, so if you want to make your own posts regarding those users, please use your own platforms, thank you.
as much as i encourage speaking up, i also don't want to give a flying duck about them anymore. y'know, like, i spoke up because i couldn't tolerate them and their behaviours anymore - couldn't just keep quiet when my mutuals are knowingly or unknowingly talking to shitty people like that. if they started a new blog, just let them. i don't really care anymore 😭 all i hope is that my mutuals and those that see this are more aware of internet safety and who you surround yourself with. it was already exhausting trying to warn others about them and not being listened to until i made this shit public — i'm not going to start becoming a blog that runs on discourse just so some can finally realise that this person was shitty and that person was the devil.
thanks for also caring abt me and informing me of their new url, i appreciate that a lot! it's on my blocklist now + the mutuals they've tagged on that post too 💀 if, however, i blocked you without a good reason why, or if i blocked you before you knew of this and had already cut ties with them, feel free to send me a message or ask on a different blog! i took precautionary blocks when it comes to having those kind of people as mutuals so .. yeah.
#visitors from teyvat : padisarah anon#thea answers#the post was made because i just couldn't stand the audacity of certain people still claiming to be the victim.#imagine claiming yourself as the victim when your story wasn't even straight.#venting in public but you can't even pick a plot. were you banned or did you leave willingly first without being punished?#then proceeded to say you were wrongly banned when you were literally guilttripping the mods . what did you think-#was gonna happen when you come back? did you think our arms were open then?#you left first . to avoid consequences . now that the consequences are staring right at you#you chicken out? you curse at the effects of your actions? YOUR actions? what about the people you've affected .#you say you aren't the same person you are a year ago but you only left a few months ago and you still affect the mental health of many .#our server wasn't even a mental health server. it's a positivity server. you're supposed to use it to get serotonin boosts#or boost other people. not a place for us to be your therapists and fix your problems.#i still can't get over the fact that neither of them can get their stories straight. wdym a year ago lmao. it was literally 4-5 months ago.#and you still act the same as ever. venting about how you wanted to kys or break down when a damn post unrelated to you talks-#-abt ur fav character in a scenario where they don't love you.#do you realize that the artists and writers' works you consume are for the general and not just you. what is your logic .#and i know you see this . you vague about us all the time. did you think i didn't notice.#the only mercy i've granted you was the peace for 4 months. you tell me i was dogpiling on you but you didn't change at all . so entitled t#-your ways of thinking and what you think is right.#in the first few weeks of u in that server i was the only one who thought better of u. funny how that turned out.#cuz u didn't change then and you wouldn't change now.#idk how many times i hv to repeat this but i blocked each n every ONE of them. including their moots.#and including anyone who interacted with them. im not sorry. if you were wrongly blocked then u can shoot a dm.#otherwise stay blocked and stay mad loser L.
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why are my hyperfixations never on anything cheap, bro. it's always gotta be ENAMEL PINS or MECHANICAL KEYBOARDS or BOOKS or ARTWORK and PENS. and broken glass. i guess that one is kinda cheap.
#staring at my bank account wondering if I can justify spending another $400 on top of the $200#I spent this morning buying a new keyboard and switches#(the $400 would be for more switches 2 fully built keyboards and like 5 sets of keycaps)#(I'm really fucking genuinely considering it which is dangerous I JUST bought a new ipad on a whim a couple weeks ago.)#(like I do have the money in my savings account. I could in theory go Crazy go Stupid. but SHOULD I.)#It's funny because I went to visit Ez (mwah) in July and I let myself spend shit tons of money. and I haven't been able to STOP myself#ever since then.#the plus side is at least I am EMPLOYED now.#perhaps I shouldn't be kicking myself for whinging that I might not be able to save $4-$500 a month. maybe. maybe actually.#am I being a little piss baby. I think I am being a little piss baby actually.#how much money per month should someone my age be saving even????
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did the flood of bot followers finally stop or are they just getting better at pretending to be real people?
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