#actually i think black was supposed to die and gold was gonna go thru this whole thing abt grieving

[cheswirls]

looking @ old fic i started when i was 14/15 is so funny bc im realizing once again why i never mark fics as abandoned even if its been literal years since i've touched them. specifically i was checking docs for stuff i started and either did or didn't post to ffn.

and its like. nothing is bad??? like i can see where my outside-the-box ideal of fic writing comes from. not just fics but writing in general, i'm p sure. even if it's a total cliche plot setup, there are details on each that rly make it stand out like oh yeahhhhhh i did have this great idea once upon a time.

funny too bc was it executed well in prose??? no absolutely not i wrote like shit when i was 15. would i revive an idea one day and revise it to be less cliche or cringy while still keeping the stand-out elements??? yea maybe. i might. everything i'm currently working on that i started from 2021 up to now still holds my supreme interest, but like i'm not gonna say never.

esp since i write fic first and foremost for my own need and specifically what i like to read, it makes it impossible to consider an idea i've thought extensively about "not worth writing anymore". anyway not making this too long i jus found everything interesting to consider

[serpenteve]

shitty things mal has done (in the books)

a salty essay by @serpenteve (formerly snarkydarkling)

ignores alina’s existence for ¾ of S&B even tho he’s supposed to be her best friend like ??? ok there friend of year

“omg alina is actually fucking hot now??? hands off! i saw her first!”

shames alina for daring to fit in at the little palace

shames alina for ….wearing black?? ha ha ha ha ok who made malware the fashion police????

shames alina for daring to crush on someone who isn’t him even tho he’s probably banged half the first army

shames alina for being well off for once (”And here you are, safe and sound, dancing and flirting like some cosseted little princess.”) yEAH FUCK YOU TOO MALWARE AJSHAKJDHSFK (ﾉಥ益ಥ）ﾉ ┻━┻

“I love you, Alina, even the part of you that loved him” like whoa talk about a backhanded compliment and if we’re gonna keep holding ex-lovers against each other then alina might as well have responded with “yeahhh i love you too malfeasance, even the part of you that fucked zoya, kissed ruby, and fingered anya” like oh my god mal get a fucking grip

he’s literally the happiest son of a bitch in the entire country at the beginning of s&s, completely ignoring the fact that alina is now sickly, weak, and terribly unhealthy because she’s suppressing her powers like he literally could not give two shits about alina’s well-being aS LONG AS HE’S DOING WELL THATS ALL THAT MATTERS (And you know he’s extra gross when even the villain of the fucking series is like ?? tf you holding yourself back for ??? you look miserable??)

when they’re on the darkling’s ship he’s more worried that alina might end up enjoying herself with darkles than like…oh, idk..getting fucking tortured by him???

actually ATTACKS nikolai for daring to make a sensible proposal to alina

mal@nikolai: “You don’t have a right to her.” me@mal: HAHAHAHA STFU YOU SELFISH ENTITLED PIECE OF SHIT OH MY GOD THE IRONY

doesn’t even let alina answer nikolai’s proposal bc why would his girlfriend need to think for herself??? have her own agency??

straight up admits he doesn’t even want to help ravka he just wants to get in alina’s pants

whines and complains and generally acts like an oppressed fuckboi the entire time alina is trying to rebuild the second army and save her goddamn country

“since i dont fit in for once in my life, im gonna act like an immature shithead and make your life miserable too wah wah wah”

omg alina dares to flinch when malodorous tries to kiss her? should we let her explain herself or should we act like crybaby and go shove our tongues down zoya’s throat?

“psshhh its YOUR fault i kissed zoya!!! if you hadn’t dared to reject my magnificent self then i wouldn’t have had to kiss her obvs!!!11!”

“omg i can’t believe you care about saving your country more than fucking me?? selfish bitch!!!”

“i dont care that ravkas in a civil war and you’re our only hope of winning!! im going thru an identity crisis and i need you to stroke my ego 24/7!!!! im not a soldier, im not a tracker, so who am i alina/?? TELL ME WHO AM I???” a tool is what you are, you entitled prick

“i liked you better when you were insecure and powerless. where is that girl??? i want her back!!!!”

“how dare you crush on a prince who actually treats with the respect you deserve??? fucking gold-digger!!!”

abandons alina during his shift because he was too busy getting drunk and nearly lets her fucking die if tolya hadn’t intervened like yOU HAD ONE GODDAMN JOB MALPRACTICE

sabotages alina’s plan to kill the darkling

spends all of r&r resenting having to help alina & nikolai save the goddamn country like can you make it any more obvious you’re only here to try and get into alina’s pants again????

“i am become a blade” is probably the most unintentionally hilarious and anti-climatic conclusion to mal’s irrelevant identity crisis like yes, good for you malware, you’ve finally embraced your identity as a tool

“listen i don’t have an army or a crown but if you don’t choose me you’re basically a gold-digging materialistic whore but no pressure lmao”

hades was so repulsed by mal’s gross ass that he sent him back two seconds later

[iam-kenough]

Will  you ever notice me? Arthur Morgan x Original Female Character

Summary:  During they wandering in deep snowstorm, man from van  der Linde gang found odd looking girl and Dutch decides to take her to  camp to see if she can be any use, leading life of outlaw with them.  Quickly, new girl develops feelings towards Arthur, but he sees her just  as a kid...and she won't take that! It's an original character story  that starts in the place where Arthur, Dutch and Micah were supposed to  first meet with Sadie. Instead she's already with them.  

Authors notes: In this chapter I placed big/small (it’s you to decide) crossover, it doesn’t change the plot but I felt like it would be a good wink to others from Witcher’s fandom. If I could give my OC voice it would be this one from quoted song. It’s another chapter and you can find the rest of chapter on my blog if you want to read more of my fanfiction. I decided to post all parts I have at once so the fic could catch more attention. Words count: 2238 Chapter 7 At first he thought Iris is really gonna wait for him. He was telling himself that she just wanted some space and she moved to let himself think. But then, once, when he was lying in his bed it hit him. She told you that just to make it dumping her easier for you, you old fool. She won't wait for you and you let her go. And this realisation made him cry for brief moment. He just hurt another woman in his life. You stole her first kiss, Arthur Morgan. No, he couldn't sleep now. He was the worst. He walked down the stairs and went to the garden to smoke a cigarette and clean his head. And then he noticed that  under his favourite tree Iris is drawing something in her journal. She was singing too, something that sounded like a lullaby. He decided to listen to her before walking at her like that.

Wolves asleep amidst the trees Bats all a swaying in the breeze But one soul lies anxious wide awake Fearing no manner of ghouls, hags and wraiths For your dolly Polly sleep has flown Don't dare let her tremble alone For the witcher, heartless, cold Paid in coin of gold He comes he'll go leave naught behind But heartache and woe Deep, deep woe

- Nice song - he cleared his throat - but who is  a witcher? Iris's heart jumped right to her throat and so did her arms. She looked at him with the coldest manner she had. - It's a bad guy from a tale about himself. He lives in kings and queens times and he slaughters monsters, like...Ghosts and things like that. No one likes witcher's though. They are scary. - Never heard of it. Sounds interesting. - I can borrow you a book. He's in love with a witch with violet eyes and black hair. Really pretty one. - I am not much of a person who likes books - he laughed and then dragged from cigarette - too stupid for that. - If you say so, Mr Morgan - she closed her journal and got up, cleaning her dress from any grass and sand - Anyway, it's you seat. Sorry for taking it, it's free now. - Wait - he grabbed her wrist. He just didn't know what to do next - you have something in your hair - was all he said, using the most awkward manner to pick ''something'' from her hair and throw it away. - Thank you? - she looked at him rather startled. - I-I actually wanted to talk to you? If you have time. - There isn't much to talk about these days. Only Dutch has a lot to say to me, he keeps talking about Tahiti and mangoes. He's crazy, he doesn't even know where freakin' Tahiti is. - Neither do I, sweetheart. - You don't wanna go there without even bare skills of finding it on world's map, Mr Morgan. - I feel like you change the subject and I really need to talk to you, Iris. She sighed and nodded her head. It was just normal courtesy but he couldn't read thru it and started talking. -  I feel like you avoiding me. - Really now? I'm sorry. - You said you are gonna wait to let me think but then ya don't talk much to me. It's not like I am thinking about it constantly and I'm gonna overheat talking to you at the same time - he rambled. That was bad choice of words. - I am not thinking about you, I-I mean I think about you a lot, b-but not this way...- was all he babbled. It was even worse! - I see you could use some sleep, Mr Morgan. You don't make much sense - Iris patted his arm with the friendlier manner she could force herself to and  she left Arthur faster than the light. He was a fool meant to die alone. Arthur started to write a lot in his journal. Whole pages were covered  with words. If he could only speak so swiftly he would win Iris back already but all he could do was watching her from afar. She stopped taking any jobs that meant being with him, she hunted alone and when she needed help with anything she was asking Dutch straight away, even when Arthur was next to her and Dutch sat in his tent. Iris and Arthur were good friends but now they wasn't even strangers. She actually talked more to Micah than to him. And it hurt but he didn't know what to do when he could speak with Iris. It was his lack of communication. All he could think about was Iris's birthday happening today and he decided to go to the city to buy her a gift. But what would she liked? He had actually this much money that if she liked a boat, he could buy one. But boat didn't seem right. She was strong, yet femine. And smart, she knew a lot. Maybe perfumes? Nah, she smelled good enough for him. Then maybe a book? Arthur gulped while thinking how hard it's gonna be to buy a book for Iris. - Good morning, my birthday girl! - Mary- Beth chirped, trying to wake Iris up - I have something what you gonna like! - More hours of sleep and something to eat? - Yes! Kind of. I bought you cookies. But it's not what I really have. She handed Iris small tissue and girl unfolded it. There was silver pendant inside, with small emerald blinking in sunlight. - It's beautiful! You totally stole it, Mary - Beth! - I totally diid - she sang and cuddled her friend - Isn't that romantic? I steal for you, I mend your heart, soon and we gonna be married. - It actually is quite romantic. And to be honest we are free people. I would marry you. - I know you would, I am sweetest one. Ain't I? Tell me I am! - You are dearest to me, Mary-Beth. And this is absolutely the greatest thing I ever got for birthday. - It matches your eyes~!Arthur was gone for the whole day. He was running from shop to shop. After few hours he choosed one dress, but he also saw a beautiful haircomb, with carved elements and subtle. He wasn't sure for what he should settle and decided it's not gonna be a dress when lady in shop looked at him weirdly because when she asked Arthur for size, he told that he could embrace Iris's waist with his arm. He decided to be braver than usually and decided to enter book shop. - Er, g'day sir -Arthur scratched his chin - Do you have some books for person who likes to study...biology? - Biology, sir? - Well, my wife - he quickly noticed how sweet if would sound if was reall - she enrolled to university and she's gonna be a doctor, she's really smart you know and I wanted buy something...proper. - I think I have something just right for you, sir. It was indeed right.-Mary-Beth! - Iris jumped quickly in her direction and dragged her to nearest bush she saw. Her breath was heavy. - What, what? - Look what I had found - she spoken in with deadly serious manner. And the case was serious. She just noticed Arthur's journal left in his room. - Is it...? - Yes and I know we shouldn't but I don't have any decency - she straightened up proudly - so we gonna read it. And so they opened journal and was searching thru it for any appearance of Iri's name. At first it wasn't anything harmful and Arthur wrote about her as ''kid'' or ''new kid'' but right after what happened between them few days ago they could read something very disturbing. It was almost the worst Iris could imagine. In this note Arthur more or less compared her to Eliza and Marry. - ''She seems so similar to Eliza. She is just more nervous and frivolous. I think that maybe there isn't any more woman with Eliza's calm temper. I keep telling myself it's Eliza's ghost'' - quoted Iris and Mary-Beth squeaked with shock. - Look there ''I kissed her today and it was weird feeling. She doesn't seem to know what to do and with Mary it was easier'' son of a bitch, that's harsh. - He's right, you know. I can't kiss. I've got another one - Iris seemed not to be bothered. Yet. She just was in this adrenaline rush that made her laugh at it - ''She moved away from our room. I thought about it a lot, she's just a liar and she won't be back''. - Aren't you sad, Iris? - Mary-Beth looked at her with worry. She didn't know what she would do if she would read her lovers journal and found things like that. -Sad? Never. I expected him to say things like that. More mad...I feel used. Kind of like he tried me but didn't likt the taste after all. In early evening Arthur got back to camp with a gift covered in some fancy paper and heavy heart pounding in chest like bird in cage. He noticed that everyone is gathered. - Ladies and gentelman - Mary-Beth was standing on the log like she was giving a speech, with beer in her hand and Iris under her arm - Can I talk to all of you for a minute? - I guess you can - Micah said grumpily. - Thank you. As you all probably know it's my girlfriend's birtday today - she cuddled Iris to herself. Girl had big flower crown on her head. It was another gift to cheer her up after what they discovered and Arthur had to say he looked like a pixie or like elve from fairy tale - and thank's to Dutch we have a lot of beer... - Thanks, Dutch - Iris chimed in and sent man a kiss. -...and Mr Pearson cooked today something that doesn't taste awful, I think it was a gift for our birthday girl... Everyone bursted into laugh. Except Pearson. - Ya will starve, missy - he snarled. - ...and I totally stole this necklace for her and don't you think it's romantic? Laughs again. - ...and since I think he can, Dutch will gave us marriage today and we gonna be first married couple here... - I don't think I can - Dutch said humorously and dragged from his cigarette. - I think you will have to, she really wants that - Iris said pretending she's whispering. Mary-Beth cuddled her closer. - And I hope everyone is gonna have fun, thank you very much, woohoo! - She said as she kissed Iris in front of everybody, then their bottles clicked and the fun begin. At first it was mainly girls but later almost everyone joined the party. Beer was cold, night was warm and Iris danced a lot, around the campfire, making pirouettes and laughing sweetely. Beer and fun made her forget. And she couldn't care less.But after few hours man 'round there were too drunk, their hands becoming jazzy and she dissapeared under her favourite tree with journal and pencil. - I was thinking you gonna be there - Arthur appeared from god knows where. He seemed in weirdly good mood and she was drunk enough to handle this conversation with class. - And I am. Not many people are loosers enough to sit and watch how other people party. What's wrong? - I-I have something for you. Really broke my back to find something good enough for you. Happy birthday - he said. She unpacked this heavy something from the paper and she was speechless. It was a botanic atlas with drawings drawed by hand. It was mainly about herbs and how to heal with them. It was piece of art to her. But she had her pride. - Thank you, Mr Morgan - she said and he smiled. But only for a second. - I can't accept this gift - she said briefly, placing the book back in Arthur's hands. - Jesus, what? What is that about? I bought if for you to have it. -It's nothing, really. I just...can't have it. Lost interests in all that - she lied quickly. - You lie - it was first time he actually saw thru her fasade - You love things like that, I heard you speaking to Mary-Beth about it few days ago - his voice was harsh. - I am big fat liar, Mr Morgan and you are more than right! - Why you lie to me, then? You were telling all those things but now I think you didn't mean them- - Oh, did you? I know you didn't either. - Y-ya kidding me, kid? There is no day without me thinking about you. - I don't want you to think about me! Know what you really think about me and I am surprised with myself I was stupid enough to think you are normal. You are a weirdo who baths with dogs 'cause they are the only creatures that want to be around you! It was  the worst anybody said to him. Probably because no one was closer to him than her so far, but he didn't saw it that way. He couldn't think straight now, normally he was cold-headed and he would tell himself it's just anger talking through her. But now he decided to believe she hated him. He was glad that at least Iris took a book. 

[komizenkun]

The death dream.

I had a rough yesterday. The one thing that has been bothering me was feeling lonely.

And then yesterday some dude named Samuel ashby put up a status asking people to put up a pic. So I put mine up and he put up a vomit emoji.

So I started seriously considering maybe I’m ugly. And then a bunch of people came out of the woodwork and said i wasn’t but most of them are people I never would hear from otherwise.

So I still felt hollow. I still felt unappreciated.

So this morning I fall asleep and I have a dream.

In the dream I beat someone at a game and was given this ring. It looked like the fake vampire fangs kids get but was a huge gold ring.

And then I found out by talking to my friend Mayo that it was actually a symbol of a violent gang and somehow that had made me a member. So I got rid of it and threw it away.

Then I found out they heard about it and were coming after me. In the dream I was living in the second floor of an apartment by the opposite side of the bridge from where I live. I retreat there and prepare for the worst. So they start invading my place which I thought they wouldn’t know where I lived.

So with them funneled in I start taking them out one by one as they enter the door. By like the fifth or sixth one I was wearing down. And then Mayo comes in with a dude with a shotgun. Turns out mayo was a member and he snitched that I “disrespected” them.

They shoot me with the shotgun. As I’m on the ground dying, I somehow felt relieved. Everything turned to black and white. Then he stood over me and delivered the final shot.

I awake at an intersection not far from there wandering. Outside of the intersection there are nondescript officers. If you try to walk past them they first push you back toward the middle to be sorted. I didn’t test them further. I discover that I am supposed to go to this liquor store/ casino. Due to the look of it and the white and red logo, I take this as a sign that I’m on the “going to hell” side of death. I breakdown crying and yelling out.

“But I was good! I looked out for people! I didn’t want to even be in that gang! I did what I was supposed to!!!”

And an officer pushes me inside, telling me to be patient. Resigned to my fate I head in, sad. Then I second later I flash to a chart of moments from my life. I assume this must mean I get to pick a point in life to do it over from. I was gonna pick college but instead decide to play it safe and pick my childhood. I was actually happy cuz I could finally do things differently and better.

Next thing I know I find myself in a wheelchair being pushed by a Latino guy thru the back alleys of Catonsville where I lived when I was very young.

So I get to the back door of this town home and the person answering the door was the downstairs neighbor from where I had lived at the time of the attack. It was at this point I realized that I had survived the attack. All that in between was just a near death experience.

The saddest part was I was actually the most sad at that point in the dream. I had fully embraced death and reincarnation at an earlier point in life. The fact that I had to live on in this world where I could be killed by a gang I didn’t even mean to join, a world that no matter how good you are the worst people will succeed and be loved, a world where good guys never prosper and nice guys finish last and alone...

That was worse than the fear of being shotgunned, worse than the fear that I was gonna go to hell. The defeated feeling I got know I had to keep living, and not only that amongst people who suffered due to the coincidence of the situation (I’m assuming they were attacked as well) was the worst feeling of the nightmare. Then I woke up.

And now I’m numb. As I type this I just don’t care. If I live, this world is still gonna suck. If I die, there are a few people who are gonna care enough to be sad for a few weeks but mostly no one will be changed by my absence.

For all my effort the dream clarified more of my feeling that I don’t matter in the big scale of anyone’s life.

No matter how good I am, I hurt.

Try to be there for depressed passive Brandon? He turns into a cocky thot and doesn’t even remember that you were there for him when he felt like he had no one.

Try to be a good musician and even accept a very low rate? Get constantly denied the chance to make the music ministry great and then outlast the church.

Try to be a good big brother to Dalvin? Get left out of all the fun time pictures, barely hear from him except when he is coming over and stays for about an hour then leaves.

Try to be there for Oden and as soon as I stop defending his heinous actions and freeloading now I get called the “asshole”.

Be there for Kenji who has lived a hard life? Get snapped at every time he has a bad day.

Be there for Malik who own parents aren’t there for him? Get to watch him invest his time in Rodney the same horribly selfish ex boyfriend that used to abuse Brandon.

Be a good boyfriend? Well let’s see, first boyfriend can’t even have a real conversation with me, the second passed away young, the third caused arguments because he didn’t know how to live without drama and couldn’t handle a boyfriend actually being trustworthy. And fourth boyfriend decided to go back to a promiscuous lifestyle calling me a goody two shoes.

Be an interesting person with passions, interests, and caring and responsible? Get attention mainly from basic people who just see potential dick.

I’m so tired of feeling like I try the most to never be petty or irresponsible. I try so hard to just be good. And life beats me up for it constantly.

I am both black and gay and disabled and in a church that doesn’t like gays. I’m in a country that is so opposed to me. I’m about growth and challenging viewpoints and being open to new ones. I have a can do spirit normally. And this world would rather rest in cliches and categories and random sex and revel in the pettiness and not be loyal and hate entire groups and laugh at horrible things.

None of that is how I operate. And when I woke up I was numb. I don’t feel like my normal optimistic self. I just exist. Unfortunately. If it wasn’t for the few people that would be hurt by me dying I would end it. I’m tired of living in this world.

I’m tired of the laziness. The pettiness. The greed. The hate. The way they rush to love assholes, the way they accept freeloading lazy bums. The way they stubbornly stand by stupid old beliefs instead of being open to better ways. The way they think of themselves over others. The way they will step on anyone to get what they want. They way they don’t even cherish team mindset. The way they can’t be vulnerable. The way they drown in drugs and shallow things and material things, happily. The way they worship these things. The way that they have no standard for hard work.

I don’t know if I care anymore about most things.

Sorry to end on a sad note.

But I wish my story was over. I wish I could start over. I wish I could change someone or something for the better. I wish I could matter. But I don’t.

Heres a positive. If you die in a dream you don’t die for real. Unfortunately.