#again i just fucking despise how people talk about children *and* childhood abuse

[uncanny-tranny]

The idea that children are inherently duplicitous, manipulative liars is genuinely doing harm to children and further obfuscates when genuine harm/abuse is occurring because, "what can the adults do, children are demons!"

The idea that children have divine knowledge that transcends adults' own knowledge and they use that knowledge for personal gain is, simply-put, abuse apologism. You are aiding and abetting abusive behaviour from adults, parents/guardians, medical professionals, whomever it might be.

[shivblogger]

It’s been one year since the end of my dear, dear world of a tv show, and I wanted to try and reflect a little bit on why I love it so much. I’m sure all of this has been said before but I love my little tv show and I love discussing it with all of you and I will be talking about it until I die! 

I’ve turned succession over in my mind so much that I don’t even know where to begin. There is so much being discussed at once. Corporate greed, American politics, extreme wealth and its consequences, generational trauma, familial inheritance, the death of old media. How power and status become all that matter when money is something that never even passes through your mind. How tying your personal identity to capitalist structures so closely makes your humanity become a weakness, a roadblock to be trampled over as thoroughly as possible on your way up. 

Of course, the siblings are the true heart of the show. The weight of Waystar being put on Kendall’s shoulders at age seven, only to be shrugged off by Logan in adulthood. Roman, forever the weaker dog, playing the fool to avoid fighting for something he didn’t want. Shiv’s stubborn insistence that she can be seen on the same level as her brothers despite endless evidence to the contrary. The icy, wealth insulated bubble they were raised in; never having to live as real people, but only knowing abuse, isolation, and mistreatment from their family. Their complete disregard for how their own power and wealth affects people, and their endless ability to fail with no repercussions. Clawing to their goals with everything at their disposal and nothing to lose, but still losing anyway. Learning from childhood that loving their siblings means tearing them apart and spending the rest of their lives fighting that endless uphill battle because it’s all they’ve ever known. 

Does it even matter that the love is there, when all that love means to you is knowing what soft spots will hurt the most when you hit them as hard as you can?

And the worst part is, they’re fighting for nothing, they’re bearing their teeth while everyone else laughs on the sidelines because they’re a complete fucking joke. They’re unqualified children fighting for the throne of a dying empire that can only be won by gaining approval of a man who despises them for the upbringing that he brought upon them.

There are very few pieces of media that are able to depict tragedy in the true sense of greek or shakespearean classics. Where the events and actions are framed in such a calculated, gutting, beautiful way. It physically pains me seeing Succession framed as “the business show” when the humanity and tragedy of the roy siblings is written and developed so thoroughly well that I know I’ll never be able to find something comparable to it again. The characters are so fully formed that you can see their mistakes and losses coming from a mile away. Every decision made is informed by countless layers of development and backstory. Every line of dialogue matters and even seemingly throwaway lines make you reinterpret characters’ actions from episodes or seasons ago. “Dad’s view was, yours aren’t real.” One line in the last ten minutes of the series finale, completely reframing kendall as a character.

I could go on about the writing, directing, production and costume design, cinematography, blocking, the choice to shoot on film, the absolutely perfect casting… but this has already reached an insufferable length, so, another time.

There’s lots of speculation on what happened post finale, if they could ever come back from that board room. I don’t think there’s any way through life for the siblings other than hand in unlovable hand. What’s crawling back to each other one more time, after all of the hurt and betrayal that you’ve already let pass? “He never saw anything he loved that he didn't want to kick, just to see if it would still come back.” It’s the only love they have. It’s all they’ve ever known. 

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 300: Days of Our Todorokis

Previously on BnHA: Hawks was all “hey Jeanist, wanna go on a road trip with me to my mom’s house?” Jeanist was all “you know it,” and so they hopped into Jeanist’s jercedes and took off. Hawks took a nap and had a flashback to his Dickensian childhood living in a abject poverty with his jerk mom and jerk dad, thinking heroes were make-believe until one day Endeavor arrested his dad and Baby Hawks was all “OH SHIT.” And then he saved a bunch of people, and the HPSC was all “what do we have here,” and blah blah blah, you know the rest. Back in the present, Hawks was all “well my life is currently in shambles, but on the plus side there’s no one bossing me around anymore so that’s pretty cool,” and then decided he was going to talk to Endeavor. Fandom was all “I can’t believe Hawks would side with his childhood hero over the man who burned his wings off and posted a video calling him a violent murderer who took after his abusive dad,” so that was fun and stuff. I can’t wait to see what piping fresh takes this new chapter will bring.

Today on BnHA: Our old friend Carbonation Carl tries to loot a Starbucks and gets his ass kicked by a senior citizen. Society is all “YEAH, WE’RE REALLY STARTING TO GET SICK OF THIS SHIT.” Old Man Samurai is all “this room won’t stop me because I can’t read it” and abruptly decides to retire, which, fun fact, is literally THE LEAST HELPFUL THING ANYONE HAS EVER DONE. Anyway so then a bunch of other punkasses follow suit, and while I won’t say that I’m actually starting to root for Stain to kill some peeps, just for the record I’m not not saying that either. Back in the hospital, Endeavor cries some tears because his life sucks, and then is confronted by his entire family, LED BY QUEEN REI, FIRST OF HER NAME, BACK IN BUSINESS AND LARGE AND IN CHARGE. Rei is all “fuck feeling sorry for yourself, we have a rogue Murder Son on the loose” and I swear to god I have never felt so alive.

so here we go! and just for the record, even though the last two chapters have been phenomenal, I don’t necessarily have any sky-high expectations for chapter 300, mostly because chapters 100 and 200 consisted of Mei Boobs, and Toadette and her horrific quirk lmao. so go ahead Horikoshi, what are you gonna pull out of your hat for this one

oh, back to this stuff again. sob

I guess there was only so much time we could spend having hospital antics and exploring Hawks’s past before we got back to dealing with the whole “the world has gone to absolute shit” issue huh, lol

omg

what’s with these bizarrely cute Noumus. why do I want to pet them

so the narrative text is going on about how people have been super paranoid about the Noumu ever since the USJ incident a year ago. so yeah, I guess the fact that there are now a bunch of them confirmed to be running around is really freaking people out even on top of everything else

wtf is happening here

what did this poor lil glass ever do to anyone. r.i.p.

OH MY FUCKING GOD

SODA SAM IS BACK ON THE LAM

tsk tsk tsk. my man has graduated from snatching purses to raiding cafes. going after that big money. this man has no business sense whatsoever lmao

OH BUT WATCH IT NOW!!

OH SNAP THE PEOPLE ARE FIGHTING BACK. WHATCHA GONNA DO NOW SAM

THIS MAN IS 172 YEARS OLD AND HE’S NOT HERE TO PLAY GAMES!!

WTF IS HE LIGHTING THIS THING ON FIRE OR SOME SHIT. GETTEM GRANDPA YEAHHHH HE’S CHARGING AT EM YEAHHHHHH

lmao so that was fun. and now we’re cutting to Wash!! omg. look at him

he’s so dedicated. too bad you don’t have a car like Best Jeanist. probably takes a while when you’re just running everywhere

you see?? you were too slow!!

NOOOO, GRANDPA. he defeated Pepsi Pete, but lost his life in the process. this is too tragic

anyway so the good news is that the cafe has been saved! but the bad news is, there really isn’t much of a cafe left. huh. I guess that’s one of the reasons why people are supposed to get a license to use their quirks like this

oh snap and now everyone is coming outside, and they’re none too happy to see poor old Wash over here

seriously Wash, get a bicycle or something. also the way this guy is gesturing so dramatically with his hand in this sort of “YOU SEE!! YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS!!” manner is sending me

OH MY GOD

HE SPEAKS. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS. IT MEANS JEANS PUNS ARE YESTERDAY’S NEWS, FOLKS!! MAKE WAY FOR THE LAUNDRY PUNS. CAN’T WAIT TO WATCH THIS ALL... UNFOLD

“the heroes had dwindled away” okay real talk you guys, it is literally only a matter of time before they press-gang the children into picking up their slack. I still don’t know how to feel about that, but it is happening one way or the other regardless. Child Soldiers 2 Electric Boogaloo. wonder if we’ll see a rise in vigilante action as well

OHO WHAT’S THIS? THIS IS A CHAPTER OF GRANDPAS HUH

-- no fucking way

WOW. WOW. WOWWWWWW

wow. so he didn’t do a fucking thing while the rest of the top ten were being turned into red mist in the previous arc, and now that it’s all over and they need his help more than ever, he decides... THAT IT’S TIME TO RETIRE. holy shit. “fuck you” doesn’t even begin to cover it my guy. you stand there and soak up those boos you coward

ohhhhhhh shiiiiit you guys. oh shit

the “I am not here” breaks my fucking heart for real though y’all. oh man. everything he worked for is gone just like that

(ETA: okay so a couple of the takes I’ve seen on this make it seem like All Might is somehow the bad guy here?? “this is what happens when society puts a bunch of glorified cops on a pedestal”, “finally the cracks in hero society are showing”, etc. etc. so, just a friendly reminder that this isn’t happening because of too much trust and a lack of critical thinking; this is happening because the villains killed all the heroes and broke a bunch of murderers out of jail. it’s happening because an organized league of terrorists succeeded in terrorizing, and so society is now understandably awash in fear and panic. like, it’s just wild to me that AFO is RIGHT FUCKING THERE, and yet week after week fandom still has their “IT’S ALL THE HEROES’ FAULT” signs still up on their lawns. BUT WHATEVER, MOVING ON.)

also though, so exactly how much time is passing here now? I wanted to go straight back to the hospital and see what happens with Deku and the Todorokis. please don’t tell me we’re jumping ahead sob. my aaaaangst

OH SHIT

STAIN. LISTEN UP BUDDY. I KNOW WE’VE HAD OUR DIFFERENCES, AND I STILL DESPISE YOU FOR CRIPPLING TENSEI AND TRYING TO KILL MY BEST BOY TENYA. BUT AS IT HAPPENS, THERE ARE ONE OR TWO OTHER HEROES OUT THERE NOW WHO I WOULDN’T MIND YOU PAYING A VISIT I’M JUST SAYING

LOL BUT IT ACTUALLY ISN’T THIS MAN, FFFFFF

sob. yeah I was talking about Old Man Samurai actually but YEAH. HEY THERE ENJI

also is this entire hospital actually run by characters from Super Mario Bros though. first Yoshi and now this guy, come the fuck on that is not a coincidence

lmao they stuck him in another one of these cavernous creepy hospital rooms

wtf is it with Horikoshi and these giant fucking rooms lately. Kacchan’s in chapter 298, then Tomie’s colossal house furnished with like one table and a TV, and now this. and the weirdest thing about it though is that “huge space with nothing to fill it up” is like the exact opposite of what you’ll usually find in Japanese homes lol

so now Enji is just sitting there thinking things like “my head is fuzzy” and “I’m alive” lmao okay. not quite all there yet, huh. I’ll give you a minute

I’m so fucking curious as to who his first visitor is going to be omg. either way it’s going to be interesting af, and either way fandom is probably going to feel some way about it but OH WELL

okay now his thoughts are getting more coherent! and he’s remembering Touya, and feeling regret for freezing up and forcing Shouto to deal with everything instead

!!! OH HERE GOES BRACE YOURSELVES Y’ALL IT’S ABOUT TO GET SPICY

NO TOUYA PLEASE DON’T CRY HONEY NO PLEASE

ohhhhhhh man

okay, I mean I didn’t expect you to, but so instead then you’re just going to do... what? lie there and wallow in regret and self-pity for the rest of your life? son you know that’s not how we deal with our problems here in Shounen

though also, I totally do get it though. honestly, thinking on it, I probably would have been disappointed with any other response. but so this is where the rest of his family (including his adopted son) come into play now though, because like it or not they’re all in this thing together. and so friends, I am once again asking you WHO IS GOING TO BE THE ONE TO VISIT ENJI FIRST

AHHHHHHH

KRANCH!!!! OMG AND THE OTHERS ARE SO TINY NEXT TO HIM THAT I ALMOST DIDN’T SEE THEM AT FIRST. IT’S BECAUSE THEY’RE TWENTY MILES AWAY ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS REGULATION HOCKEY RINK OF A ROOM

holy shit I’m so excited lkjlklhlglkasdsjldfk

SDKFJLSKHLKJL

the way she has him by his collar lmaoooo. “lol nah you’re not going anywhere pal.” damn straight, siblings have to be ride or die in situations like this. banding together for survival. strength in numbers

OH MY STARS I’M JUST WARNING YOU NOW THAT I’M ABOUT TO DISSECT EVERY LAST REMAINING PANEL OF THIS CHAPTER PROBABLY YOU GUYS. WE COULD BE HERE A WHILE

love how Fuyu has absolutely no idea how to segue into THE SINGLE MOST AWKWARD CONVERSATION SHE’S EVER HAD, so she just GOES FOR IT in pure small talk mode like they’re meeting up for brunch somewhere

I KNOW IT’S A SMALL THING, BUT I APPRECIATE THAT THE FIRST THING ENJI ASKS IS WHETHER THEY’RE OKAY

lastly while I can’t wait for more of this delicious Natsu angst, I also just have to say that Enji has as much reason to cry right now as anyone on the planet. you can’t deny that being confronted by your not-dead-but-you-thought-he-was-dead son who’s all “SURPRISE DAD I GREW UP TO BE A MASS MURDERER AND I HATE YOU AND EVERYTHING IS ALL YOUR FAULT AND NOW I’M GONNA MAIM YOUR OTHER KID” with a side order of “EVERYONE HATES YOU AND SOCIETY IS CRUMBLING AND NOTHING WILL EVER BE GOOD EVER AGAIN” is enough to bum pretty much anyone out. there’s a Pagliacci the Clown joke here somewhere. BUT DOCTOR, I AM THE NUMBER ONE HERO

oh man lol he is seriously falling apart

damn. like you guys, I’m sorry, go ahead and cancel me, but I do feel compassion for the man. it’s therapeutic for me to see an abuser actually feel remorse and be truly sorry and want to change and want to make it up to his family. and it’s also compelling as fuck to read a narrative about a family that’s trying to grapple with that, because let me tell you straight up, as someone who’s done a version of that song and dance -- it is exhausting. it is a piping hot mess. it’s a gigantic mishmosh of extremely volatile emotions that all somehow all contradict one another. love, hurt, hope, anger, betrayal, resentment, attachment, longing. it’s something you can both be desperate for and also want nothing at all to do with. and attempting to portray all of that and write about it is a monumental task, and one which Horikoshi has done so, so delicately thus far, and damn but I appreciate it. anyway, so I’m here and I’m ready for my latest helping of Todoroki Fam Feels you guys

GASP

oh man. OHMANOHMANOHMAN. CAN IT REALLY BE. IS THIS THE REDEMPTION ARC OF CHAPTERS 100 AND 200???

LMAO SHE’S ALL “WE ALL FEEL BAD YOU JACKASS STOP CRYING ABOUT IT”

LAY INTO HIM REI!! SORRY ENJI YOUR PITY PARTY HAS BEEN CANCELLED IN FAVOR OF A “SO WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT” PARTY COURTESY OF QUEEN ELSA OVER HERE. THE PEOPLE TOOK A VOTE AND WE WANT LESS WHINING AND MORE ACTION

oh my god look at this lady folks

NOTE THE HAIR BLOWING IN THE NONEXISTENT WIND. NOW WE KNOW WHERE SHOUTO GOT THIS POWER FROM

(ETA: btw guys, seeing Rei handle this crisis like an absolute champ despite everything she’s been through is everything, though. I’m reminded of Hawks’s line last week about people sometimes unexpectedly finding liberation when they’re backed into a corner. like things may be shit but goddammit her kiddos need her.)

THE CHAPTER IS ALREADY ENDING SOB, IT’S ONLY A 17-PAGER THIS WEEK, BUT GODDAMN WHAT A WAY TO CLOSE

oh my god. oh my god oh my god. AND FUCK YOU HORIKOSHI FOR CUTTING IT OFF THERE sob. it’s like each week the wait for the next chapter becomes more painful. the Todofam is about to get real, and on top of that Hawks is gonna crash the party at some point down the line, and on top of that we’re still waiting for Kacchan to have his own heartfelt discussion about What The Fuck Are We Supposed To Do Next with his best friend who’s currently in a coma. all I want to do with my life is read about these three things, and all I can do is simply wait as they are portioned out in agonizing, addicting little installments every week

anyway! tune in next time as we answer the question of whether or not fandom will finally run its train of logic all the way through to its natural conclusion and somehow manage to cancel Noted Abuse Apologist Todoroki Fucking Rei. don’t act like it can’t happen. you all know nothing is sacred lol. anyways but I’m ready for anything lol, bring it

[baku-writes]

Omgggg I just love the hawks request you did it was amazing and sooo good imma request something similar to it but with DABI/ Touya todoroki can you do where the reader and Touya as children like yk childhood friends both grew up with parents who abused them and one day Touya was about to get beaten badly in training and the reader took it for them ( timeskip when they learnt Touya died they were absolutely sadand almost suicide? And DABI finds her in time and they just talk and confess? <333 :)

AAAAAA I LOVE THIS IDEA!! Personally, even though Dabi isn't my fav character I love his backstory. I just find it so interesting.

Touya todoroki x gn!reader (mostly children versions so angst and fluff)

TW: Abuse, fake suicide (?), suicidal thoughts, minor bodily injury (mentions of burnt skin, bruises and blood). ANGST, spoilers (?)

Back from the dead

Summary: you and touya todoroki grew up together and were both victims of brutal parenting. However, when you took the punishment for Touya it was the final straw... he wasn't Touya anymore...

Life was difficult.

It always had been.

Your entire life you were told you would be nothing, your parents beat you into submission until no motivation ever sparked within you other than to be what they wanted. They wanted a hero. The next number one, just like allmight. They didn't want another version of endeavor, but a capable young hero who could fight any villain and take them down with ease.

Your parents weren't pro heroes, both were rejected by UA and didn't pass the hero course for any other school. It crushed them. But also drove them to insanity. Everything they had ever worked for in their childhood come crashing down within a short period of their lives, that is how the both met. However, when they had you they saw a sadistic glimmer of hope. Hope that their 'spawn' could do what they couldn't and hope that their child could live out their dream for them.

And so they would train you. And train you. And train you. Until you couldn't walk, talk and sometimes even eat due to exhaustion. But once they realised they could no longer give you any more training boosts due to their lack of experience, they handed you off to the number 2, endeavour. Even though they despised him, if that is what they had to do to make you strong.... they were going to make you do it.

And there you met Touya. A young boy, the same age as you, with aspirations and dreams of becoming the hero his father wanted him to be. However, like your parents, they taught this motivation through sadistic punishments and abusive training.

It was obvious the kid was worn out. Burn scars scorched his arms and even his face. It confused you, but also made you protective of him. You hated how overworked he was. You hated to see him get hurt. Ofcourse you wouldn't tell anyone this, knowing your sadistic parents they would threaten his life to motivate you.

One day it was the usual training. Your parents dropped you off at the number 2's house, with only a single bottle of water and a small dirt kids towel. Your overgrown and unkept hair was in an uncomfortably tight messy bun and your limbs ached from the previous days grueling training.

The day started off as normal: using your quirk until you couldn't do it anymore or collapse from exhaustion. Your quirk is called manipulation, it allows you to manipulate the shapes of near by non living objects, fir example you could make a smooth rock spiky. However, your quirk took a lot of focus and energy, so far you could only use your quirk on objects as large as a vase, you were only young.

Touya was next to you, hot flames spewing from his hands and arms. Singing his skin and burning the near by area... that was until he noticed his dads near by ornament fall and shatter on the ground.

Was this ornament important to endeavor? No. But would he still be pissed? Yes.

Fear immediately clouded Touya's mind....

"Nonononono" his panicked cries began to fill the room as you ran over to him, his cries would only alert endeavour sooner. Not because endeavour would be worried for him, but because endeavour would be angry at whatever he had done.

"Touya calm down. Here, I'll sweep it u-"

You barely had time to look up when you hear the sound of the door slam and angry heavy footsteps head towards the training room. Oh no. He's heard.

The door slammed open and silence cascaded over the room. Everything went still as time began to slow, the only sound you could hear was your heart thumping against your rib cage. Touya was going to get hurt.... and you hated that.

"Touya..... did you break the ornament?" He was calm at first. Some may see this as a good sign, but you two know better. He was going to explode any minute, he was a ticking time bomb waiting to blow.

"DID YOU BREAK THE FUCKING THING?" His voice was raised, his steps heading towards the two of you.

He raised his hand, ready to hit his son until your voice chimed in. Weak and unconfident you stood in front of your chest friend as you spoke.

"It was me... I broke it."

Silence filled the room. The scowl on his face grew deeper as he grabbed onto your arm with force.

"You know what's going to happen. Don't tell a fucking soul, you hear me?"

.....

After around 10 minutes you left the backroom, beaten and bloodied. Ofcourse, it wasn't to a severe extent, but still enough to hurt and be noticed by any possible strangers.

Touya didn't speak to you for the rest of the day.... and the next day training was cancelled...

Touya was dead.... death by fire. It was suicide. You knew it.

(TIME SKIP, CURRENT TIME)

The fall from the bridge seemed welcoming. You had got no where in life, running away from your parents at the age of 16 you found yourself helpless and homeless years later.

Recently, you discovered everything was a lie... Toiya wasn't dead... well the Touya you knew was. But the body if him was alive, just being controlled by a man who goes by the name "Dabi". You didn't want to accept that ot was your friend, you didn't want to accept the fact that you still liked him. He was a murderer... you should hate him. But what you hated even more was how you pitied endeavour, the abuser who tortured you two and lead his own son to 'suicide'. He had changed, but you will never forgive him.

The hopelessness and confusion in your life was too much. You let the cool air whip against your face for the final few minutes, you might as well enjoy the last moments in your life. Ironically, it was peaceful, you never really got peace before. And it had to be your final moments that ot decided to make an appearance.

Now was the time. The time to end this miserable life. The time to end the memories and pain that tormented you for years. You would never have to get hurt again, the pain will just stop and never appear. No one will miss you, your friend is gone and your family was never there. Tears began to pour down your face as you realised your life was nothing but a misery... you never even lived. You just survived...

You took a step closer to the ledge.

Until you felt a harsh tug pull you back and force you onto the concrete floor.

"OW WHAT THE HELL?!"

Your head shot up to glare at who ever pulled you down to the ground. But your blood ran cold as a white haired 5'9 figure covered in burn scars stood in front of you...

"D-dabi."

Shock overwhelmed your system, the tears ran down your face faster as you come face to face with your 'dead' best friend. The boy who abandoned you all those years ago..... the man who you never got over...

"Come on now, you know that's not my name." His smile creased his face and wrinkled his scars a little and his held out his hand to you. Warily, you took his hand and allowed him to pull you up. Should you trust him? He was a murderer.... but he was your friend.....

"Long time no see, huh?" He chuckled a little bit. Was this a fucking normal meeting for him. Is he making a guxking joke out of this.... after he abandoned you all those years ago, just to become some low life thug who murders people. INNOCENT PEOPLE.

"What the fuck? Is this funny to you? You think this is funny? Laughing when you left me all those years ago. Laughing when you become this.... a- a... A monster, a freak who murderers out of revenge? Fuck you."

Anger shot through you. You don't care if this gets you killed, either he will do it or you'll do it yourself. He was a monster. A killer. Everything you ever despised in one person. A person you used to love turned into a revenge crazed maniac who kills the innocent.

Surprise flooded his features as you rammed a finger into his chest.

"YOU KILL INNOCENT PEOPLE. YOU HAVE PROBABLY KILLED FUCKING CHILDREN! Who the hell do you think you are coming to see me after what, 5 to 10 years? FUCK I don't even remember anymore because I don't see the point in keeping track of the days I had to live thinking you died! You're a monster...."

Your figure began to crumple, your tough exterior caving in as your pent up emotions broke free from their cage. You collapsed into his arms as he ran a soothing hand down your back. You were so confused.... you were angry yet happy. Sad at what he had become but proud of his strength to fight back...

"Why did you leave me Touya? I c-could of saved you..."

The cool breeze blew against the two of you as Touya continued running soothing strokes down your back. Suprisingly, he was guilty. But he wasn't here to see you upset. He was here to get you, save you, help you. He was here to take you to the LOV, his new family.

"I know I left, but I'm here now. I'm taking you to the League, but I promise they won't hurt you. They are family, you want to change the world right? Fix society? That's our goal too. We have all been hurt one way or another.... but please. Come with me. Let me make up for the time we have missed out on so far, let me be the man you need."

You looked up at him, your eyes sore from crying and nose running. Slowly, you nodded. His warm embrace was welcoming, the first hug you have had in at least 5 years.

"Okay...... but you have to take ms out on a date first." A small goggle escaped your lips as you expected a disgusted face to scrunch his features.

But instead...

"Sure, but we're heading over to the LOV hide out right now sweetheart."

Surprise filled your features as be smiled again, his smile just like his old self.

....

Maybe the new Touya wasn't that bad... maybe the old Touya never left...

-----------------

Never wrote for Dabi before so I hope this is good enough!!! Sorry if it took a while to write, I've had a few mental health things pop up within the last 2 days but I'm going to be okay <33. Let me know if this is what you wanted 💞💞

[slutfornat]

Water and Fire - Leo Valdez.

A/n you're Percy's younger sister and you are sixteen while Leo is seventeen, it's based after the series ends. Also let's pretend Nico is born in like august for the plot. Everyone is the canon age or at least the one I've got from the internet since I'm guessing age differences from Blood of Olympus. Also Calypso and Leo broke up but are still friends and Jason is alive and not with anyone but his bromance with Percy.

Warning/s: fluffy (at the end), childhood abuse, slight swearing, self-esteem issues and underage drinking.

Both you and Leo have liked each other for a while since you were fourteen to be precise. Neither ever made a move though. Even when Leo would flirt, you thought he was kidding like usual.

"Come on, y/n. You have to" Leo complains to you whilst you are sitting on the shore of the water. "Leo, I am not going trick or treating" Y/n said, "I don't care if you want us to be Veronica Sawyer and JD, I am not going trick or treating this year".

Leo grins, slightly saying "if you go, I won't... hide your skateboard, how about that?". "I despise you" y/n says just as Leo's grin turns to a smirk, "Leonidas Valdez, what in tarturus are you planning?".

"I'm planning nothing, love" Leo says still smirking, "just... this!". He finishes talking just as he jumps towards you, tickling you whilst you can't stop laughing as you attempt to talk in full sentences, "Leo Valdez... I hate... you".

Y/n pushes Leo over so she is on top and straddling him. "Ha! I win" y/n said in triumph as she tickles Leo.

"It... doesn't.. work on... me" Leo manages out whilst laughing. Y/n falls to the side of Leo as you both laugh like every time you hang out with each other. You sigh, "Well, I've gotta go. Nico and I are going to the Dionysius' cabin party and we have to get dressed up".

"You are actually ditching me for death breath. I'm your best friend, y/n" Leo exclaims in surprise.

"Leo, if you want you can come as well, yeah?" you say and he sighs out of surrender, "fine, I'll come later on but as JD, got it?". "Got it" y/n says, laughing in amusement at Leo's dramatics..

*Time Skip brought to you by "It's not a phase, mum" quote of 2012*

Leo's POV. I walk into the Dionysus Cabin for the party to see y/n rush over to me like a bouncy puppy. She smiles at me, saying with her voice slurred "Leo, leo, look there's alcohol and Cult of Dionysus is playing oh and I saw Nico and Will wander off a while to go kiss" .

As she talks I notice her voice is very slurred. I frown, knowing I'm going to have to watch her tonight since Nico and Will left together.

When I notice she is tripping over her own feet, I put my arm around her and say as I lead her out of the cabin, "come on I'm taking you to your cabin to sober up."

The second I take her to her cabin, I take her to her bathroom in case she is sick. After a few minutes I take her to her side of the room and put her in her bed.

Just as I'm about to leave, y/n pulls me over to her. "Can you stay with me please?" she asks. I look over to her, saying "only if you want me to."

Whilst we lay in bed, she slowly falls asleep for a few hours but the entire time neither of us move position in bed.

After hours, I end up waking up to people talking outside but when I check it turns out to be some children of Demeter on their way to activities. I walk over to y/n's bed just as she wakes up.

When we are both completely awake, I decide to ask the question I've wanted to know for years, "Y/n, why are you and Nico so close?"

She looks at me with a frown before beginning to explain, "I met Nico when we were eleven and since we both weren't allowed on the quest we began talking."

"I could relate to him" she says. I look confused before saying "how can you relate to him? Surely you were both different then."

"When Nico got to camp, he followed Percy around like a lost puppy and well I did the same when I got here" y/n explains. I turn to face her, saying "but you and Percy never got along..."

"Leo, what I'm about to tell you isn't good but can you promise me that you won't judge" she said. When I nod she continues "I was eight when I first came to Camp and I never really had friends so, I followed Luke around."

"When Annabeth, Grover and Percy went on the quest I stayed here. One night I had a nightmare and was talking with Luke when he explained why he hates the gods... and I agreed" y/n says.

She continues as I listen intently, "Luke told me about his plan and he said that I of all people should understand being in the shadows of someone."

When she stops for a second, I see it's hard for her to explain and say "you don't have to continue if you don't want to."

Y/n shakes her head, continuing "I agreed to help him and when he left camp, I would send him information. When Percy and I went back to our house, he finally saw that Gabe was... well, abusive towards our mum."

I look towards y/n and feel a sudden urge to hug her. I know it's hard for her to talk about her childhood. Until now y/n never said anything about her life before Camp, not since Percy mentioned Gabe would hit them whenever he got angry.

(a/n: not my hc, I saw it on the internet)

It was during truth or dare that we all found out and Frank was dared to let Percy do his make up and Percy was surprisingly good.

I had said he was a secret fashionista when Percy had said it was that he had practice as a kid, hiding his and y/n's bruises with their mum's make up.

We don't say anything. "did you ever tell Luke this?" I finally ask. Y/n nods before she continues "he said that if it wasn't for poseidon leaving then my mum wouldn't have had to go through that."

"Y/n, I understand that you cared about him but he was manipulating you" I say, knowing that's probably why according to everyone she was different after manhattan.

"but he cared about me" y/n say quietly. This time I do pull her into a hug to the other side of her bed. I say, "it might have seemed that way but he was manipulating you. Now, it's up to you to if you want to continue?"

Y/n nods, before continuing explaining "after the battle of manhattan, I was going to tell Percy but I never had the guts. In the end I told Nico and he said I was being manipulated but he never stopped talking to me out of hate."

"Leo, you should know the only reason I never told you is because I didn't want you to leave me as well" y/n says to me, "you mean too much to me because, well because I love you and have for years."

I look to her and say "Y/n, in the years I've known you, I've always liked you but I just didn't mention it because I didn't want to be rejected by you."

We slowly lean in and when our lips connect, fireworks go off. When we separated, her lips are once again on mine and this time it lasts way longer. In that moment I pull her onto my lap as my hands stay on her hips.

Even though I know we aren't going that far, I flip us over so I'm on top. I begin kissing down her jawline when she lets out a soft moan.

As we kiss, the door to Cabin 3 opens. We unfortunately dont split for a couple seconds when someone yells "Valdez, get the fuck off my sister. She is a kid, you ass ."

I know the voice at once, it's Nico. There stands, Percy and Nico both looking angry at us. Suddenly I'm being pushed back by y/n as she tries to act normal.

Behind them there is Annabeth and Will, trying not to laugh at their boyfriends and the situation. "Valdez, I'll give you three seconds to run before we kill you" Percy finally speaks up.

Y/n walks over to them, trying to loosen the tension "hey percy. Funny seeing you here, I thought you weren't visiting from college for a couple days."

No One's POV.

Leo slowly backs away from them as y/n tries to calm them down. As he glares at Leo, Nico says "why would you date him?"

"I love him, okay? I have for a while now." y/n answers, looking towards Leo with a smile on her face. "Percy, I understand your my brother but I'm sixteen and I need you to understand that I love him."

"But you're too young" Percy insists. With a frown, y/n says "Percy you've liked Annabeth since you were how old? And you've been together for years."

"Yeah, but you're not mature enough to have a boyfriend" Percy says. Glaring, she says "Fine but Percy there's a few things I haven't told you yet. 1) Nico is a better brother than you. 2) I had a crush on Annabeth when I first came here."

"And 3) I was on Luke's side the entire time he betrayed you and I was a spy for him" y/n says, "so how'd you feel that I joined a fuckin' titan's army when I was eight?"

Percy looks at her incredulously, not saying anything until he turns to Nico and says, accusingly "you don't seem surprised by any of that, how?"

"because as she said I'm a better brother and she tells me more" Nico says with a grin, that he knew all of that before anyone else. Y/n also says "oh and I'm definitely a better kisser just ask Leo."

"How would I know, I ain't never kissed Percy" Leo says. "Well, I would kiss Annabeth but unfortunately I'm in a relationship and don't want to be a cheater" y/n says.

"So, how'd you feel about finishing off were we left it?" Leo says the second everyone but them leave. With a wink towards him, y/n nods, saying "gladly, lover boy."

[poison--ivory]

Get Back Up Chapter 3

Warnings: Mentions of abuse and nightmares

Anthony didn't know who that slim figure in the doorway was, but he didn't like him. Especially with the way (y/n)'s body flinched when his arm swung around her waist, reeling her into his chest. Her hands came up just in time to put a little barrier between the two, at last his strength broke her blockade and caused her to fall into his grasp. Yet, she still adores that sweet smile on her lips, her gaze fixed on the man holding her and in that moment Anthony couldn’t wrap his head around the reason why (y/n) is so caring to people. 

When she enrolled into culinary school and had that roommate, a complete slut and a backstabbing bitch who made her life a living hell, (y/n) still treated her with respect and wanted to befriend her. In the end that bitch turned her back on her at every twist and corner. But, Cherri and him worked their magic and soon after her social life at that school went further down the toilet. (Y/n) found out a couple of days later and didn’t like how we handled the problem. However, she thanked us for thinking about her and to show her gratitude, took us out for lunch that day.

     Yet with the help of the nightstand lamp he could see a bit in the dim room and he could’ve swore he saw the faint hue of red on her cheeks. However, in this case the man latched on her, didn’t look like he loathed her, on the contrary he held such adoration in his eyes when staring at her. It was when his eyes trailed over to him is when they turned hard and distasteful. The hate that seeped through his skin and consumed his frame, he could tell that this man didn’t see him in a light that a normal human should. His gaping stare was more on the lines of a predator staring down his prey, Anthony knew what danger lingered behind that leering look and that made him. . .uneasy. He tried to match his gaze with a harsh one as well until a split and sharp pain rang throughout the left side of his head. So, he took his gaze off the man and took a big gulp of the tea, which at this point the hot tea that was in his cup was slowly getting lukewarm and the position on the bed made him feel really exposed to this weird fucker.

     He hated feeling weak and defenseless in front of folk and despised the way this new guy stared him down. Squaring his shoulders, even though it felt god damn awful to move right now, but he didn't want to take any chances with this questionable guy, even if (y/n) married him.

Motioning with his strong enough arm, he motioned to the brunette that just intruded in on their conversation.

     "So, uh. . . Who the hell are you?" (y/n)'s eyes widened, rapidly shooting her head back and forth between us and to be honest he really didn't care if he sounded rude. He just wanted to fuck with him, just for the shits and giggles and it seem to phase the man for short second. “(Y/n) didn’t tell me she married a pimp and a good looking one at that.” Her eyes were the size of headlights which was pretty amusing, but he was gauging for more of a reaction from the menacing man standing next to her.

       “Anthony!” Her voice raised a couple octaves before lowering it down to whisper, really broadcasting her motherly side right now. “You shouldn’t say something like that, especially for a first impression.”

He wasn’t gonna muster up any type of energy of fake kindness just to suck up to this son of bitch, not for (y/n) either.

       “What, first impressions are for insecure high schoolers who need validation on whether they look pretty or not. Besides, he hasn’t told me off yet, so relax toots.” The corners of her mouth stretched out into a flat line and I could already sense her screaming ‘I’m done with your shit’ before she could even say anything. “Come on, (y/n) a little bit of harmless flirty won’t kill anyone and besides he seems fine with it.”,puffing out his chest the burning agitated growth in his lungs flared up, but he kept up this bouncy exterior to appear far from an injured animal.

        “Don’t you worry my dear I only came downhere to see how you were doing this morning, yet found you here with. . .this. . .effeminate fellow.” Words fell through clenched teeth, leaving a dark atmosphere to fill the room. (Y/N) finally sensed the tone of the room and, so she latched on to her man's arm guiding him out the room.

        “Come on, Al let's give Anthony some space,” a quiver in her voice and her anxiously attempting to pull his body towards the door, “he’s in very poor condition, right now and you & him bickering is just making it worse.” Successfully shoving him out the door, and before leaving she gave him a warm and soft smile. The door slammed soon after, he could still hear their bickering through his dazed and groggy state. Footsteps grew distant as they carried on down the hallway, voices muffled behind the walls in a way comforted Anthony. Compared to his home life he would wake up to his dad arguing with his mother or one the other family members that dropped by in the morning, he would slothfully fall out of bed knowing that the constant screech match wouldn’t end for an hour or maybe even longer on a bad day. Nonetheless, he drew comfort from the low conversation happening down in the next room. Laying on his side turned to face the door, not knowing if (y/n) was going to come back in with her bright smile, he could even go for a fake one. But, no matter what he tried to think of he kept emulating that bizarre man hovering over him with his overbearing and suffocating aura.

      Anthony was so in thought that he didn’t even realize his mind was drifting off to sleep, his body sinking into the soft linen warmed by his body heat in cased in the thick stacks of blankets. He entered REM sleep in a matter of seconds, Anthony was back at home sitting at the kitchen table in his childhood apartment. His mother rushing back and forth, like a chicken with her head cut off, she ran around preparing for tonight's dinner. My sister Molly sat in front of the t.v. watching a cartoon show, Niss was leaning on the wall, his heated gaze directed towards the door, waiting for someone. The sun outside was, so bright and cheerful compared to our bleak apartment, outside he could’ve sworn he heard children laughter mixed with shoes hitting against the hard cement. A narrator or a small voice enters the enclosed space of the kitchen, his mother unfazed from the new voice speaking. He didn’t notice it before, but the voice seemed to be talking like they were speaking for a while now. They sounded like a chorus of different people talking at the same time, so serene, but assertive? As the voices were speaking it slowly grew darker and rougher, increasing in strength and volume ‘til the point of static rang against my eardrum. His head burst from the high frequency of the many voices, this time they spoke separately making it hard to concentrate on a single non existent body. The pain got so unbearable to the point of grasping at his own head and trying to cover up anything that led to him hearing this ear shattering noise. But, as soon as it started it soon ended, leaving a sharp pinging noise in the air, his face was wet from tears that stung his freshly scratched cheeks. A thump of a door swung shut, his brother moved into the kitchen swiftly, dad traveling in behind him. Taking a seat right in front of Anthony, he avoided eye contact with his dad trying to gain his mom’s attention, but she glued her face to the floor not even looking to meet his gaze when setting the plate of food on the table. His dad’s gaze was directly on him, the voices started speaking up again, yet this time it was only one particular, familiar voce.

It was his own voice talking back at him.

       “Ya have to help her.” He automatically thought about his mother who gets hit every night by his father, but she died years ago. The dead don’t need our help anymore after they’re six feet under. “She needs your help, even if she feels safe.” He wasn’t following, he was mostly leering out the window, hating the freedom most people had when he was growing up. He listened to himself warn him, but something he said stuck out the most to him.

       “He’s never going to let her go, he’ll kill her once he’s satisfied with her companionship. But, the demon has the yearn to feed on flesh and will get his way. You need to be sneaky and clever or he will kill you. Just like the others.”

      The room fell in darkness, and he was surrounded by slippery stone walls. Looking up to the dark sky, rain water hit his face and he could barely see the outline of a silhouette peering over the walls of the cramped cylinder space. Anthony didn’t know why, but he called out for help, yelling til his throat was sore trying to yell over the loud rumbling of thunder. A bright flash of lightning flew across the sky, giving light to the figures' features and what he saw made him freeze in terror. What was supposed to be his eyes were clocks, his teeth were yellow and sharp, his mouth stretched out from ear to ear and his face looked like it was peeling from small creases of wrinkles. Flowing red and black hair soaked from rain pressed against his face, the man made his spine tighten. He couldn’t move, and what made his fear rise was his small chuckling, right then his head spun a full 360 and his limbs bent at weird angles as he slowly descended down the wall. He only stopped once situated, Anthony felt tears sting his face again, crying harder when he started moving directly towards him, and he hated the feeling of being trapped in this inescapable small and tight space. He was half way down, before he stopped again his smile growing even larger than what humanly could be done. The stretching of his skin left small bits chipping off and landing on his face, too afraid to even take his eyes away from the beast he kept the flesh on his terror stricken face. His mouth gaped open, strings of saliva stretched and fell and right when his gaping jaw was wide enough he let go of the wall allowing his disfigured body to fall straight towards him. His body was engulf in a warm encasing of hot flesh, turning his world dark once more.

      Anthony woke up with a jolt the adrenaline in his veins kept the pain at bay as he rushed to the otherside of the room, before going to the door swinging it nearly off its hinges. He darted down the hall, with tears rushing down his face. He needed somebody to be near him, right now even if he felt like a child in the process he wanted, no needed comfort. Warmth radiated from the kitsch as he turned to see a whole family sitting down for breakfast. Three kids stopped eating to stare back at him, (Y/n) shooting straight out of her chair, he could only hear static right now, but he could see her face full of concern written all over it. Yet, the only thing he could keep his attention on was that brunette with the ever stretching smile.

[lucyskywalker]

I may be a Arya stan; but Dany is my second favorite character, so I am here to defend her and I got fucking tired of this hipocrisy. Warning: If there are mistakes on it, I'm sorry, because Im not a specialisty on Dany's arc. This is just me wanting to get some frustration out of my chest.

I'm getting tired to open Twitter, Quora and Reddit with all the ASoIaF "intelectuals" calling Dany a tyrant, when it is clear that they don't even know what the word means. Calling her a slaver. Calling her a monster. Also, there are uncountable that points out she would be nothing without Viserys. You guys know who I'm talking about, right? The one who abused his little sister emocionally, phisically and sexually. Sold his little sister as a slave/let clear that would not raise a hand if all the khalaser raped her, because he needed an army. This Viserys is the only one Im talking about.

"Poor Viserys. He didn't deserve it."

"Poor slaver, mad Danielle destroyed the economy."

"Poor masters crucified. They only have grown in this community. They are not wrong. This fucking white savior is."

Those people have the audacity to say it, and after that, the same profiles change all Sansa's storyline, says Sansa deserves the dragons, what she could do with dragons, and I'm damm sure they are the ones who writes and read fanfics where they put their dear redhead on Dany's place.

The audacity of some people is something infuriating. You know what? Dany is NOT a fucking TYRANT, much less a slaver. How can you point it out, when Dany was a SLAVE herself?! She was SOLD to the dothraki! Why this needs to be said?!

Because she liked the dothraki?

Dany was a pre-teen that was mentally, phisically and sexually abused during her all life, and this is OBVIOUSLY include her childhood.

She just started liking the dothraki after she accepts and takes "control" of her sexual life; or better, just accepts being raped by Drogo as a part of her life, in exchange of it she is respected by the whole khalasar and is gifted with "love" and "care". This is disgusting. It is more disgusting people calling her a bitch because of it! DAENERYS WAS THIRTEEN YEARS OLD! GIVE A THIRTEEN YEARS OLD CHILD WHO WAS ALWAYS ABUSED AND HARESSAD BY HER OWN BROTHER A BIT OF CARE AND " SICK LOVE" THIS CHILD WILL LOVE THEM BACK! THIS IS THE BASIC OF PSICHOLOGY WHEN YOU DEAL WITH AN ABUSE SURVIVOR! THIS IS WHY VICTIMS OF ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS TENDS TO DEFEND THEIR ABUSERS! THAT'S THE REASON DANY STILL REMEMBERS OF DROGO AND VISERYS FOUNDLY EVEN IN ADWD!

The dragons? Dany LOVES her dragons! The mother of dragons is not only a nicknam, much less a title. For Dany they are her children! But she is afraid, she was afraid because she finally saw her loved children were dangerous creatures to others. This is why she locks them. It hurts her, but the safety of her people comes first. She choose to make this sacrifice.

Also for all the crazy people who says Dany would be nothing without her dragons and it was given to her, I say "shut up". Dany was presented with eggs. Who've read Fire & Blood or payed a fucking attention in ASoIaF knows that having dragon eggs means nothing! The eggs were stone! Dead to everyone! In centuries, since the Dance with Dragons there were no dragons. Targaryens loose their life trying to hatch them. Dany is special. She entered into the fire, without knowing she would survive, and the dragons hatched. She was the first kalheesi ever to lead a khalasar. The khalasar just follow the strong ones.

About the tyranny? I can write a fucking whole essay about her called "tyranny". Dany is harsh, this is true. She is vengeful. But you know what more she is? Daenerys is just!

She was an outsider who saw a whole community that enslaved people, children, men and women, and saw that it was fucking wrong!

More than that. Dany saw it was wrong, but she also saw she could change it. She had the power to make it better. So she did.

In centuries, westerosi people and anothers have seen slavery, some despised but didn't do anything to change the situation. Dany was the only one in centuries to see it by what it was and try to change the disgusting slaver culture in slaver's bay.

She could have taken only the unsullied and sailed to Westeros, but no. She choose to stay and make things right. She decided to fight for freedom.

More than that, as queen of Meereen she tries her best to be the best ruler she can be. She wants her people to love her, and she works for it intead of being passive as someone we know damm well. She hears her councillors. Would a tyrant do that? No. Aerys was a tyrant. He would kill anyone who speaks against his will. Dany is not that person. She is not her father. This is her writing. She is a Targaryen through and through, but a tyrant? Never. This is thesis of her arc ass it can be stated by Barristan Selmy who served the Mad King.

Was it wrong to end slavery? I don't think so. Dany tought it was only ending slavery, but she finally saw the political consequence of it, and what I love about her? She is not running away from it. She is facing the consequences bravely. She decided to marry again to please the meereen people and the called "sons of the harpy", because she wanted peace! She wanted her people to stop suffering. This was her wish. More than the iron throne.

The iron throne? Is it wrong for her to want justice and blood from the ones she believes betrayed a good King? To want what is hers by birthright? Because this is what Daenerys knew about her father. Aerys was a good king, betrayed by the Lannister, Baratheon and Starks because the usurpers wanted the throne. Viserys told it to her since she was a young child. It was a fact. How is Dany supposed to know every damn thing? Just recently she is learning the truth of how mad Aerys was.

Also, if people get mad if Dany rides Drogon in the next book, I say fuck you. It's a war she is fighting. Her enemies would be glad to see her head on a spike. If Dany fights back, I will congrelute her.

Dany is incredible complex, with flaws and a lot of redeem qualities. Her arc is awesome to read. If you can't stand that war, death, and that there are no perfect hero, you are at the wrong fandom. ASoIaF is not for you. Get out of here.

And for the stansas and jonsas, because these disgusting people who claim those things can just be part of darling redhead. What your "favorite" have done untill now in the books? Betrayed her family? Survived? Killing her cousin what you claim she is too dumb for noticing? Wow. How spacial. It is easy to "love" such a great incredible cough* passive classicist*cough character. 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

I know damm well who I stan.

I stan Daenerys of House Targaryen

I stan Arya of House Stark.

I accept their flaws and qualities equally. And I love them for being such incredible grey complexes characters.

For the ones that still say "poor Viserys", and "poor slavers" and "poor masters", I just say one thing:

[stonecoldjerseyfox]

Jersey on my mind (part 20)

The sun rises and slowly transforms the pitch black night into early morning, then into forenoon. Daryl observes how the quiet community, as if it had been in a coma overnight, slowly wakes up. He sees people come out of the houses, hears Carol calling out ‘breakfast’s ready’ inside the house and the clinking of forks, spoons and knives against plates. But he doesn’t move from his spot at the porch stair. 

Ever since he and Jersey handed over the watchtower to Eric and another Alexandrian that he haven’t bothered to put a name on and Mila went to sleep for a few hours, he’s been sitting here, sunken in thoughts.

It’s too much to process somehow. Everything he feels, everything he found out about her; it’s overwhelming not knowing what to do with all of these swirling… whatever it is. She’s like a goddamn hurricane. All hair and hell. Damn, she’s pretty, beautiful even. And that accent. She talks a lot. She’s pragmatic to the point of being indifferent. Maybe because she was raised like a goddamn robot by a psychopath. She’s hot tempered, impatient, stubborn... and holy fuck, Daryl digs it. All of her; the big heart, the kindness, the humor and the sarcasm. It’s like booze mixed with cherry coke. The way she looks at him… or is it just a creation of his own imagination? Is he a complete idiot for thinking that she looked at him in a special way when they sat there together, in the dark, sharing that bottle of vodka? Could it be- no! Obviously she doesn’t- he’s a fool. But the way he felt, throughout his entire body and soul, when their hands touched, he definitely felt something. But that might just be it, his own stupid delusion. When she told him she’d been engaged, and declared that whoever gave her the ring was dead, Daryl felt like the devil himself for feeling relieved, but also bad for feeling like that. 

The night has truly been peculiar, he thinks, while resting his gaze on a bird in a tree, trying to feed its squeaking nestlings. Parts of what Mila told him Daryl had recognized from his own childhood. He’d been beaten up many times by his old man, leaving deep scars that never faded. He’d been neglected and abused for most of his childhood, by everyone when it came down to it. But he was a boy. Not that it justified his father's actions towards him, but Daryl could at least, and used to, fight back. He was a pretty good fighter at an early age and knew he had to aim for the kidneys. But Mila was a girl, an unwanted girl who had to face the shame and blame for not being born as the son her old man so badly wanted. He’d reminded her every single day of her shortcoming, and she had apologized, and that (and when she told about the physical abuse, because that’s what it was, even though she didn’t refer to it that way) had hit him hard. How she somehow, even though she clearly despised and distanced herself from his actions, could talk about him with something that sounded like affection, Daryl found astonishing. Like she desperately cling on to the good memories, the few she might have. Was it a perfect example of Stockholm Syndrome, or just pure madness? She’d lived in a lie for almost her entire life, he’d murdered people; how was it possible that she was so indifferent after what she’d been through? Or maybe she just managed to conceal it behind a thick wall of oppressed feelings. He could understand that more than well in a way. But on the other hand it seemed like she’d turned her life around; she had a kid who she’d managed to keep alive. Her story had made him feel secure, less odd about his own history that he’d tried so hard to oppress, to push back into the deepest darkest corner of his soul, never to reveal to any living soul. 

Daryl had never talked to anyone about his upbringing, in fact he’d never talked to anyone as he talked to Mila. Somehow she managed to get these things out of him, that he had previously buried deep inside himself, that he’d never in a million years thought he would tell anyone as he told her the other night. She treats him in a way he’s never been treated before. 

Daryl twitches when he feels a thug on his vest. He removes his chin from the stock of the crossbow and turns where he sits on the porch stairs. 

“Hey kiddo.”

Juri smiles and sits down on the stairs next to him. He’s dressed in dungarees and boots, has seemingly managed to dress himself this morning, but has failed to tie the shoelaces that dangles around his soles.

“That won’t do. Come here.” Daryl waves his hand and nods at the shoelaces that flutter in the wind. The boy obediently raises his foot, Daryl takes it and puts it to his knees and begins to lace the small boot. “Gotta tie ‘em up good, or they’ll fall off ya’ feet.” he says and ties the shoe steadily, but not too tight. He doesn’t want to be responsible for causing Jersey Jr. a broken foot.

Daryl ties the other shoes too, then they sit there next to each other, quiet. Every now and then the boy snails up at him curiously. When Daryl snails back, Juri looks away, giggling. He’s kinda funny, Daryl thinks to himself and smiles. Cheeky, a li’ rascal.

“Ya’ mum’s not up yet?” he asks. 

Juri shakes his head, then makes a snarling sound. 

“She snores?” Daryl grins. “Yeah, ‘bet she does, kiddo. Heard ya’ were a snorer too.” He gives of a grunt, like a pig and Juri bursts into a big, faint, silent laugh. “Ya’ wanna go for a walk?”

Juri nods eagerly. 

“Let’s go.” 

Daryl gets up, grabs Juri under his armpits and lifts him up and places him on the ground. They walk around the pond, a walk that normally doesn’t take half an hour, but since his companion is only 3 feet tall, the pace is below average. When they arrive back to the house, Mila’s standing on the porch, shielding her face from the sun with her hand. Daryl once again gets all warm throughout the body and his tongue starts to crawl back up toward his palate. No, dammit! Juri starts to run towards her when he sees her, with three flowers clenched in his hand, that he picked next to the pond. 

“For me!” Mila’s smile could light up the entire Safe-Zone if it would've been night, when he hands her the flowers. “Moya lyubov, thank you.” She looks up at Daryl. “Where are your flowers?”

“Didn’t pick any.”

“What a shame.” She stands up and looks at Juri. “You know what! Carol has been an angel, and made lunch for you, Romeo.”

Mila shoves Juri into the house, while the boy waves at Daryl from between her legs. 

“Slept well?” 

“Enough.” she answers easily. “I need to get out of here for a while. Gotta go find new shoes for Juri. What kind of mother lets her son walk around in heavy boots in this heat?” 

“Good luck with that.” Daryl scoffs. “Getting past those assholes unnoticed won’t be easy.” 

The sapphire eyes peers at him through the sun. 

“Wanna join then?” She asks boldly with a grin. “Show off those hunter skills. Trust me, it’s easier to find game meat than a pair of kids size nine’s.” 

Daryl snorts and looks around. It’s not an impossible mission, but foolish. On the other hand, he can’t just wander around in here. He’s convinced that she would leave on her own if he doesn’t follow, no matter how much he, or anyone else, opposed it. 

“Gear up, Jersey.” He therefore answers and nods a little. 

Mila smiles triumphantly, turns on her heel and enters the house. She returns minutes later, with the automatic rifle on her shoulder and a backpack, dressed in a worn, black leather jacket over the dark t-shirt.

“New jacket?”

“Not directly. I got it for my eighteenth birthday. Saw it in this store down in Ashbury Park and thought, ‘hey, I’d look so cool in that’, so Adam and Peter brought it to me.” She corrects her left  boot with the other foot. “I love fun jackets! Fringes, embroideries- I'll be buried in this one, if that's the last thing I do.” Mila smiles. “Oh, and I told Carol we were going out.”

“What did she say?” Daryl asks, clenching his jaw. Some things are better left unsaid. Like sneaking off in the middle of what can be likened to a siege.

“Something like, have fun-” Mila replies and hurries down the porch. “And take it easy.”

They walk toward the wall, toward the place Daryl climbed to enter the Safe-Zone. Mila climbs onto the truck easily and soon they’re standing on the roof of the trailer, looking out over the landscape on the other side of the Alexandria walls.

“Head for the woods.” Daryl points. “The bike’s in there somewhere. Short run.”

Quickly and silently, they get down the trailer and start running towards the trees, into the woods. 

“Ya’ know where to go?” Daryl asks as they find the motorcycle in the same place he left it.

“I have a strategy.” Mila replies. “Houses with toys and swing sets outside usually have kids stuff inside too.”

“Fine.” Daryl gets the motorcycle up and leads it up the road. “Let’s go find some swing sets.”

He straddles the motorcycle and scoots forward, to give her room to sit behind him. Mila throws her leg over the body of the bike and sits down on the leather seat and wraps her arms around his waist. Daryl takes a deep breath, tries his best to maintain a normal heartbeat. 

”All right.” he coughs nervously. 

He warns the engine once again before he kicks off. He can feel all of the power in the machine throughout his entire body. Behind him, Mila squeezes his waist and makes a delighted cry as he increases the speed as he maneuvers the beast on the desolated road. 

“This is awesome!” Mila hollers into his ear.

A smile spreads on his lips and he speeds up, causing Mila to hug harder around his waist and laugh. They cruise around the nearby residential areas, scouting for children’s bikes in the driveways, basketball hoops, colorful slides and toys. Eventually, they find a street that seems to fill all the criteria. Daryl hits the brakes and the motorcycle stops next to a two storey house with a hoop and a climbing frame in the yard. Mila climbs off and takes her rifle, attaches the silencer over the barrel. 

“Okay, let’s find some shoes.” Daryl states. “Lead the way.” Briskly, Mila starts walking toward the door, rips it up and raises the AK in front of her and walks into the house. He follows, cautiously listening for hissing sounds and dragging feets. It’s clearly not her first rodeo. Mila immediately starts looking in wardrobes, in the laundry room and in cabinets. 

“Nope. Nothing.” she notes after a while. “Let’s continue.”

They leave the house and start walking down the street. Mila’s long hair blows effortlessly in the wind as they pass by abandoned houses, driveways and overgrown lawns. In the distance Daryl sees a lone, limping walker approach them in the street. He lifts the crossbow to his shoulder, aims and shoots. In the distance he sees it fall into a pile on the grund.  

“That house seems promising.” Mila points toward a house with what looks like a homemade skateboard ramp in the driveway. 

Daryl runs over to the walker, lying in a pile on the asphalt, to collect the arrow. When he turns, Mila has caught sight of a rotten creature, appearing from behind the molding ramp. With ease she lifts the rifle, aims and places a bullet in its head and it drops to the ground with a thud. With a crooked smile Daryl remembers what she said about the soup can. He then finds her inside the house, browsing the books in a bookshelf in the living room. 

“Children's Books!” Mila holds up a book for him to see. Where the wild things are, Daryl reads from the cover. He’s never read it. On the other hand, his ma’ never read books for him and Merle. “There’s so many cute books here! Peter Rabbit, Paddington-” she grabs the books and puts them in a pile. 

Daryl rests on the back of the couch, watches her stacking books on a chair. He’s amazed by how she engages her entire heart and soul to make sure that the boy has everything he could ever wish for. What would it have been like growing up like that? 

With about ten children's books stuffed in the backpack, Mila then continues through the house in the search of a new wardrobe for Juri, faintly humming. Daryl finds a weapon cabinet where the owner forgot a Glock and a few boxes of ammunition, and Mila finds a pair of Chuck Taylor’s in Juri’s size.

“Half a size too big, but his feet will grow.” She states and puts the shoes in the backpack.

If he thought they were done by now, Daryl was mistaken. They therefore proceed to the house next door.

“You notice something?” 

Daryl immediately turns all vigilant, looks around in search of hostility movements. Mila laughs a little. 

“What?” Daryl scoffs, mildly irritated, and lowers his guard. 

“We’re alone.” Mila says as they walk around a dense bush, once perfectly trimmed in a rounded shape, in front of the porch. “Like a little adventure. Pretty fun, right?” 

She feels the door handle and nods. Unlocked. She pushes the door open and it goes up with a creak. Mila quietly walks into the hall, Daryl follows, with a gut feeling that something will happen. And his guts don’t lie. All of a sudden Mila’s pushed to the carpet by a walker coming at them from the left, followed by its two companions. The first one attacks Mila and Daryl’s grabbed by a male, missing an eye. Mila swears loudly, a muffled bang is heard when she shoots the walker right in the face and tries to get up from the floor. Daryl tries to pull away from the one eyed bastard, that clings to his vest. The rotting mouth and disgusting fingers claws to his torso. 

”Watch it!”

With impressive force Mila grabs a hold of it by its shoulders, pulls it away from him and throws it into the opposite wall of the hallway. She takes her knife from her boot shaft and pushes it into its forehead. Daryl takes a hold of the last, remaining dead asshole and pushes an arrow deeply into its skull, forcing it down on the floor. 

“Are you alright?” 

“Ey, wha-”

Without another word, Mila lifts his shirt and searches his torso for wounds, or at least he thinks that’s what she does. Oh god, please don’t. Daryl gets intense chills of pleasure all through his body by her touch. Those soft, delicate fingers send shivers throughout his body in sheer delight. She withdraws, sighs in relief. 

”Though it bit you.” she says. 

“I’m fine.” Daryl replies, hardly meeting her gaze as he pulls the shirt down.

He tries to steady his breath, all while Mila still pants faintly. Their eyes meet, or are more like glued to each other. Daryl’s heart beats hard inside his ribcage, he can almost hear it like a drum inside his ears. Suddenly, before he’s able to say or do anything, Mila has thrown herself onto him, presses her lips against his in a kiss out of this world. It’s so sudden and so surprising that he can’t turn all flushed and angry, his usual defense mechanism in unfamiliar situations. But it’s also everything he’d ever dreamt it would be. Why would he withdraw? With her hands on each side of his face, her soft tongue finds its way in-between his lips into his mouth, exploring every inch of his mouth like a gold miner looking for nuggets. It’s mesmerizing, he’s never been kissed like this in his entire life. 

He cups her face with his hand, the one not holding on to the crossbow, feels the soft skin towards his palm. It soon finds its way to her lower back, as he presses her body against his as she begins to guide them away from the hallway massacre, with the three dead corpses, into the other room. Daryl briefly presses her up against a wall, making a framed picture fall to the floor. The rough, passionate kissing turns into a frenzy of hands and heavy panting. Daryl drops the crossbow to the floor and steers Mila towards the dining table. He pushes her towards the table, while their fingers eagerly search for buttons and zippers during heavy breathing and intense eye contact. 

He’s so excited, so frantically horny. Never before has he felt such a desire. He fumbles, all while Mila’s able to kick off one boot, push down her jeans and underwear, making them dangle around her leg and unbuckles his belt at the same time like a fucking magician. Daryl lets out a grunt as his palms run over her bare, soft thigh. He presses his forehead against hers and they kiss again, moaning into each other's mouths. Mila’s chest heaves rapidly underneath the t-shirt as she unbuttons his jeans, pushes them over his hips, releases his pulsating cock and drags him closer. She caresses him, touches him to the point of almost no return. Daryl ends it by grabbing her buttocks in his hands, lifts her up onto the table. She spreads her legs, pants breathlessly as she pulls him in between. Daryl grunts as he lightly fondles her, she’s so fucking wet. For him! That’s the most fucking incredible part, well, one of thousands right now. There is no darn turning back now. Without breaking eye contact, almost drowning in those sapphire eyes, while inhaling her scent, the floral and everything that enchants him, Daryl enters her, making both of them exhale loudly. She tightens around him and it feels as if he will come right away. Jesus christ, I can’t hold it, he finds himself thinking as he feels a rush of pleasure spread through his body, it won’t go. He starts to grind his hips into her, causing her to moan loudly, to dig her fingers into the back of his vest, as she jerks her hips forward against him. He lets out a low growl and starts to pound into her, making the table squeak, holding her in place while he with the other hand softly grabs the hair on the back of her head, not breaking their eye contact; all while a feverish heat runs through his body. 

Dear god he doesn’t want it to end, but he can feel himself edging as her body clenches around him, and he realizes that it’s more than close. He can feel it, her entire body screams that she’s on the edge too. She lifts her head to the ceiling, as she reaches climax and the surge of warmth from her orgasm surrounds him. Daryl moans loudly into her neck, feels his entire body tremble as he digs his hips into her, as deep as he possibly can, exploding inside of her.

They gasp for air, as if there wasn't enough oxygen in the room, bodies trembling, but they don’t break eye contact. Something warm runs down his cramping thigh, bolting with his runaway pulse.

“Shit, I’m sorry.” Daryl’s whimpers, his voice breaks. He swallows, but doesn’t move, just keeps holding on to Mila’s body like a castaway clinging to a piece of board. “I’m sorry-” 

“I’m not.” Mila pants with her fingers entangled into the back of his head, the other hand grasping the back of the vest. “I’m not.”

They remain like that for a few seconds; silent, trying to get a grip of the whole situation and what just happened, how amazing it was. Daryl lowers his eyes, for the first time in what feels like forever and with a soft movement he wipes away the warmth from her inner thigh with his thumb. He feels high on adrenaline, feverish, standing there with one hand under her left thigh and the other in a firm grip round her buttocks, welded together. 

“I want ya’.” Daryl manages to utter between the heavy breaths, looking back at her. “Ya’ asked me what I want. I want ya’.”

Mila caresses his face with the other hand, runs it softly over his lips. 

“I want you too.” She replies. Daryl’s uncertain, did she actually say that? The faint smile he gets, between the panting breaths, somehow says it all. ”You heard me, Dixon.”

[ghostmartyr]

SnK 127 Thoughts

“Let us speak for 46 pages about how we still don’t actually have any real plan, we’re just all very against genocide (except Magath and Yelena) and very upset and feel like we should be doing something.”

The characters are sort of doing my job for me this month.

Maybe this whole post should just be illicit screencaps from Crunchyroll with me providing links and saying, ‘and here’s the panel that makes the point I whined about in this post here.’

That would probably provide more entertainment than whatever I’m about to come up with.

-sees the amount of swearing in the first section-

Hm.

First off, fuck Magath.

Like no, I’m sorry. This is not about what happened 2000 years ago. You know what it’s about? It’s about Marley sending in child soldiers to assault and rob a land that had caused literally no problems for 100 years. It’s about Marley doing this despite being aware of its own history, being that their personal hero collaborated with the First King of Paradis to make Marley’s independence possible.

You want to talk about history, Magath?

Jean isn’t the one who sounds like a child.

Jean is reacting to actual pain that he has experienced in his lifetime thanks to Magath’s very intentional military strategies.

Magath is blaming Jean and everyone else on the island for being born.

That is not equivalent.

That is not remotely equivalent, and while Eren is being a fucking bastard about it, Jean’s right. Eren has the power, means, and will to do all of this because of what Magath and Marley did to Paradis.

Magath doesn’t recognize Eldians as people.

The Eldian Empire was bad.

No one except Floch is disputing that. That is how you know that it is bad.

Marley, as well as the rest of the world, has been free from the Eldian Empire for over a hundred years, and in that time, all they have done is take every horrible thing about the Eldian Empire and exploit it for their own gains.

Magath doesn’t get to be angry that he lives off the backs of abused, brainwashed children that he treats like crap.

Years ago, the Eldian Empire was the worst terror in the world.

A year ago, it was Marley.

Now, it happens to be Eren.

And you know, I’ve been actively against pretty much everything Eren’s done. His plan, if he has one, has mostly managed to make everyone angry and get a lot of people killed who weren’t even involved in the beginning. He gets his head blown off close enough to his brother that he doesn’t die. That’s how the beginning stages of him committing genocide goes. He betrays his friends, makes his besties from childhood feel like crap, and honestly has just been a dick to pretty much everyone.

But at least Eren’s indiscriminate murder has the decency to actually be indiscriminate.

Marley takes children it despises and turns them into their willing slaves for the promise of a better life they have no intent of dispensing. They take these children, and full of hatred for the very ability, demand that they shorten their lifespan and murder people to prove that they’re a “good Eldian” who deserves to live.

Marley is why people can stomach rooting for Eren.

Because Marley is such an abomination that it almost feels worth it to destroy the world if it means Marley’s gone too.

Hell, I’m with Hange. There’s not an avenue where I accept genocide as a way to deal with any of this.

But if someone wanted to burn Magath alive, and we spent a dozen pages gloriously detailing his flesh curling off his bones, it would make me happy.

That’s a more dignified death than he’s given any of the children he’s forced into Marley’s wars.

He does not have the fucking moral high ground.

He's the one Jean should have punched. There is not a single person around that campfire that he has not damaged deeply, and noticing that Gabi is a little girl and he cares when she is in pain does not magically remove that.

Fuck Marley. Fuck Magath.

Grow the fuck up and stop viewing genocide as an acceptable response, you fucking halfwit child. You are the individual who saw four children off on their solitary mission to murder thousands of people. Two of them are dead. Two of them are deeply traumatized, with one of them wishing he had died.

But oh yes, Magath. You’re the victim, here.

Because you baited one angry idiot with the power of a god into destroying part of a city you didn’t give a damn about.

Truly, your justice is a thing to aspire to.

Perhaps Eren taking notes is the real reason we’re here.

Motherfucking fuck I hate Marley. I hate that Eren’s put any of these characters in the position where they have to put up with this shit for the sake of civility. I don’t have a problem with the Warriors. I don’t have a problem with the Survey Corps. I don’t have a problem with the kidlets. Hi Onyankopon, sorry about your life. Yelena has many problems, but she’s also attractive, so I don’t mind as much.

Magath, though.

Pieck, just eat him. Everyone’s too depressed to really throw down over it at this point, and the two small ones are so deeply traumatized that one more body really isn’t going to make much of a dent.

Jean’s clearly the star of this chapter, and a good deal of that comes from the potent hopelessness hovering over him like a rain cloud.

He can point to how bad everyone is at talking things out like it’s the key to the entire mystery, but the long list of problems Jean offers at the beginning of the chapter are still present. Unless they have a way to talk to every person in the world out of their (at this point, rather justified) fear and anger, Paradis and Eldians around the world are very much screwed.

Paradis has forever been running out of time against the hatred the rest of the world has for them.

They do have to fight against what Eren’s doing, and talking instead of blowing each other’s heads off is a good start, but it’s a good start thousands of years after the worst possible one.

And the last time they tried to talk to Eren, Armin punched him, and that was the most productive thing to come out of it.

Jean being the everyman who recognizes the heart of an average person because he is one has been a great tool. It’s still great, here. He wants to close his ears to all of this. He wants, desperately, to run away, because there is no good solution that doesn’t end in death.

When he joins the Survey Corps, they at least have Eren as a brand of hope. They can believe that years of the same tactics and bodies piling up won’t end the same way.

Joining this squad is all about stopping Eren, and despite having figured out their next course of action, no one has yet to provide a real idea.

Genocide is wrong, so you stand up and try to stop it.

That’s the only plan they have.

The Scouts from Paradis don’t even have the promise of saving the people they love if they stop Eren. Annie, Pieck, Gabi, Reiner, Falco... they have a home. The world might forget to hate them. They might get to go home and have a life after this.

The people sitting on the other side of the fire are fucking screwed. They’re fighting entirely for their principles.

...Also Yelena is here.

I do like Yelena.

She’s not the worst, because this manga has too many horrible people in it, but she’s delightfully terrible. I especially like how the fact that she’s actually from Marley hardly gives her any pause.

I do so like Yelena.

It’s a beautiful sentiment.

After all, everyone’s drunk on something.

If you can just save the world, what does the rest matter? What do the crimes that kept you awake at night mean, when you’ve accomplished something so miraculous? All the good deeds cleanse the rottenness, and maybe then the world rights itself and you can breathe again.

...Hey wait, where’s Reiner’s reaction shot to finding out Gabi killed Sasha?

...Did he even know Sasha was dead?

But I guess we’re doing Marco angst.

Wow. Marco angst in 2020.

I think my favorite thing about this chapter (outside of the fact that Mikasa still hates Annie and it makes me giggly because wow Mikasa) is that Annie does absolutely nothing while Jean’s beating the crap out of Reiner.

My less favorite thing is I’ve stopped enjoying Reiner getting the crap beaten out of him. It’s been done, and... really the kid just needs to have not been born into this particular life. Watching Jean beat him bloody is. not cathartic. It’s really just awful.

Annie dodging with her food is glorious, though.

Because while Jean beating up Reiner over Marco is sad and kind of miserable, Annie watching someone beat up Reiner after the years she spent putting up with Reiner and Bertolt brings it back to almost funny.

Until you look at Reiner’s face and go back to feeling bad.

-turns page back to Annie getting out of the way-

Much better.

Truly, I love Annie.

Her forgiveness status is interesting, though. I think besides Marco, she enjoyed more of the kills she’s responsible for than anyone feels a need to dig up.

She’s also been more alone than most of the others in the wagons, and essentially spent four years imprisoned for her crimes.

I’m not surprised she asked, because she’s Annie, but I’m a bit surprised we don’t have an answer yet. Probably too close to the end of the chapter to open up that can of worms.

If it makes everyone feel better, I think we know for a fact that Mikasa will never forgive Annie for anything, even if it only displays itself as petty brandishing of weapons every time they make eye contact.

It’s not even a ship thing.

I just love that Annie is the one person Mikasa can’t stand. They’ve been in one chapter together and Mikasa’s already pulling out swords. These two shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near each other. It’s perfection.

Then we get to plot complications that really don’t register as complications because like. Yeah, you guys need something to do while you figure out what the hell you’re doing.

Because you don’t actually have a real plan, just so we’re clear.

Killing Eren would result in all those Wall Titans operating under their own power.

That is not fundamentally less destructive.

Killing Eren has a nice ring to it, but much like talking to Eren, it does not solve any of the other problems looming ahead.

So you enjoy your little subplot with Floch!

It’s one of the last times your combined competence will have any meaning.

-looks over at Kiyomi-

Honest question, but why are you alive if Floch dislikes you enough to hold you hostage? If Eren’s gonna kill everyone, shouldn’t Floch be following suit and just do his Floch thing of murdering every slight inconvenience?

We’re in the boring stages of the finale right now.

No clear plan for either side to contend with. No real progress in any direction because the tiny squabbles are just a delaying tactic for the massive squabble that no one has an answer to. None of any of this chapter really matters except for clearing the air.

Which is not a useless investment, it’s just not very exciting.

At this point, no excitement is allowed, because there’s that One Huge Thing, and the entire story hinges on it. Maybe someone will die on the way to dealing with it, but that’s all the drama we’re going to get until we find out enough about the plot to have a future worth rooting for.

Right now, there is no good outcome for the people we’ve watched fight for 127 chapters.

Pulling a story along with that weight is hard, and I can feel my brain turning itself off until we’re back to a point where the story is permitted to address the stegosaurus in the room.

One more month.

Again.

Until something happens and we all regret everything.

[spideyy-girl]

Dating Richie Tozier Would Include...

Request by anon: hey are u writing richie fics??? if so can you just do one where he realizes he really loves her or just a dating richie fic?

Summary: pretty simple,,, what it would be like if you were dating the infamous “trash mouth” of Derry (spoiler it’s fukin awesome)

Fandom: IT

Warnings: swearing, abusive parents are mentioned, serious injuries and talking of death, making out

Word Count: 1480 (4.3 pages)

A/N: so this was requested in May and to the anon who did request this I’m so sorry it took so long! Also, I hope you don’t mind that I did a headcanon instead cause I just had so much to say. But anyways hope you enjoy!

~~~

Dating Richie is just so like nice and just perfect

you guys would've met a long time ago, he defended you when Henry Bowers tried to take your animal crackers in kindergarten

and ever since then you two were thick as thieves

being the closest friends out of the entire Losers club

you started to get feelings for him in sixth grade...

it was one of the many nights when he had come over to your house in the late hours of the night due to his mother drinking again or another family issue

you had stayed up and let him rant to you, holding his hand in yours and gently brushing your thumb against his knuckles as he tried to keep his tears at bay

he hated crying in front of you more than anyone

after he had gotten everything out he was exhausted

he fell asleep right away as you were finding extra pillows

still dressed in his jean shorts and stupid hawaiian shirt

you had seen it many time before but this time it triggered something in you and you knew you were fucked

you not being able to hide your feeling for him and told him two weeks later

you never kept any secrets from the other so it was bound to happen

but thank god he felt the same whoo

and this BOY he was just so EXCITED like YES

after you turn around he definitely starts dancing and pumping his fist in the air

you catch him doing it too

your first date is at the arcade (obviouslyyyyyy)

he teaches you how to play mortal combat

you guys get slushies and it somehow ends up in spilling the entire thing on each other

"SLUSHIE FIGHT"

but as I was saying he's just really the perfect boyfriend right y'know

cause he's already your best friend and you guys aren't awkward and you can trust him and tell stupid jokes to each other

but also Richie has a soft side (fight me on this)

tells you stupid pick up lines, gets you little gifts and flowers, always spoiling you with little things like that

is SOOO into pda but only if you're comfortable with it of course

soft pecks: YES 

forehead kisses: MORE YES

hand kisses: BIG YES

hand holding: ALL THE TIME

hugs: EVERY DAY

always has to be touching you, sorta clingy but in a good way

especially after the events of IT, he is always nervous and always has to have his hands on you

because you got seriously hurt during the events of the Well House in the final battle

this poor boy thought you weren't gonna make it and was just so distressed

staying by your side at your hospital bed every single day without fail (not like he had many other people to be with)

crying silently into your hand when he was alone 

but when you woke up he was so happy he started to cry more

showers you in kisses and cries to you about how scared he was about you leaving him and his nightmares about the clown from the sewers

slips the big L-word while rambling without even realizing it

and even though you guys are young you knew that you felt the same way, but would save that conversation for later

when your nurse walks in to check on you she finds you and Richie asleep on the tiny hospital bed, cuddling

his head was on your shoulder and your hands were threaded through his long black hair, that was pretty greasy but you didn't mind

his glasses fell off a while ago and cracked but neither of you really cared

Richie practically living with you after his household becomes too much so he's just always over

him always acting like an angel when he's around your parents and them actually loving him and basically adopting him

him wanting your parents to think he's a good influence because all of his other friend's parents despise him for some reason

OMG SLEEPOVERS 

your mom and dad wouldn't think much of it before agreeing like once a week since you used to have them all the time when you were younger and before you were dating

you two making out in your room and Richie being really nervous because "what if they just come in?"

(they never do anyways)

doing dumb karaoke sing-alongs to songs like africa and bohemian rhapsody

MOVIE MARATHONS

would usually consist of multiple star wars movies and stupid romcoms that your mom has a stash of

groaning at all the cheesy scenes even though they were exactly like the two of you in real life

cuddling on the couch and sharing a blanket awwww

him feeding you popcorn as you're watching the movies AWWWW

you guys eventually tire yourselves out and sleeping on the couch LIKE JUST SO GODDAMN CUTE WOW

you guys go to your first school dance together

Richie bicycles to your house and makes sure to bring you the nicest bouquet of flowers not so much money could buy

he was for some reason so nervous, like his palms were sweating as he rang the doorbell, and was constantly smoothing down the one regular white button-up shirt he owned

when he sees you in your cute little dress with your hair done in little curls and the small amount of makeup your mother had done for you, he felt like he was gonna faint

how did he get so damn lucky like... SERIOUSLY

little did he know you were thinking the exact same thing as you smiled brightly back at him

you guys had an absolute ball, dancing all night like crazy people, not even caring about the popular kids at school judging you

slow dancing at the end of the night to put your head on my shoulder and it being really sweet

him kissing you at the end, and even though it's still awkward middle school kissing it was just the best thing ever

"I sorta think I may be in love with you"

"I know, you told me last month" 

going into highschool still strong as ever just POWER COUPLE

still being nerds and bullied a lot but also everyone wanted to be you cause your relationship together was PERFECT

you guys had one small fight in junior year because of some nasty freshmen were trying to get him to ask them to prom

the poor boy was absolutely oblivious and didn't know what was happening until you started yelling at him

you guys break up during the summer but just before school starts he shows up at your door with a big teddy bear, a bog full of chocolate, a handpicked bouquet of daisies, and a very practised apology

you couldn't help but run into his arms again

you went through everything in life together after that, graduation, college, getting jobs, finding a place to live, and eventually getting married and having a family together

you guys have one little girl named Annie and she's just so perfect

her being such a daddy's girl and having Richie wrapped around her little finger

Richie is the best dad imaginable, despite his not so similar upbringing, going as far as to play dress up and having tea parties with his little girl

living in a cute apartment together in new york, where Richie worked as a radio host for one of the biggest stations in the country

your loves being complete and everything was just how it was supposed to be finally

well, that is until you guys get the phone call from your childhood friend Mike

when IT comes back Richie insists you don't come with him back to Derry, saying that you had to go watch the Annie while he was away

you gave up after a long few days of fighting over it

never being able to sleep since whenever you closed your eyes all you could see was that stupid clown hurting your husband

always keeping Annie close to you all the time and never letting her leave your sight, even though you no longer lived in Derry, or Maine even and there was technically no threat towards you guys

when he gets home you've never been happier in your life

taking Annie to the airport to pick him up and running into his arms when you finally see him, your little girl in your arms as well

"It's over now, it's gone for good this time"

you guys grow old together, and are both really happy and love to recall useless memories from when you were children and everything turns out great

wow honestly I'm crying at this point

you guys are just so damn perfect and everything is perfect I love this 

okay sorry I'm done now have fun

~~~

TAGS:

Permanent: @phonegalhelp @caswinchester2000 @gwenebear @morganvanilla

Let me know if you want to be added to a taglist!

[polyamorouspixie]

let’s talk about trauma

Content warning: I’m about to talk about childhood abuse and how that manifests as trauma in adulthood, and I have some harsh truths for survivors like myself. It might well be upsetting to read, so I suggest reading it when you have the time and space to process it if it affects you, but I urge you to read it, because I want to talk about what’s helped me. 

Firstly, me. My parents never seemed to like me, from the age of maybe five or six, I certainly felt like they didn’t like me, especially my mum. Looking back, it seems to me like she felt every negative emotion I experienced was an intentional thing I did to hurt her. I had disabling levels of anxiety and depression throughout my teens and I suspect before, and she responded to that as a personal attack on her, sometimes openly accusing me of faking it to hurt her. They never hit me, they always made sure I was properly fed and dressed. But every behaviour I did was wrong, made them angry, I was to blame for every perceived wrong that occurred in their lives until I moved out at 18.

This fucked up my head. I truly believed that behind closed doors, all families despised each other, had screaming rows every night. When I was told about families who supported each other, who cared, I thought they were lying, simply doing it to keep up appearances in front of others, or it was a form of manipulation. 

When you believe that, you become that. It’s painful to admit it, but I want to help other people and so I will: I became like my mum. I lashed out at people every time I felt hurt. I yelled. I said horrible things. I never apologised for it, I just pretended it never happened once I’d calmed down. I made other people responsible for my feelings. Remember that I was not only under the belief that everyone else was doing everything out of spite towards me, but that I had quite severe mental health problems. That was the only life I’d ever known, and when I left it, I fell into the arms of an emotionally abusive partner who only antagonised that behaviour. I lashed out at my partners who didn’t mistreat me, I lashed out at my dogs. Because I was HURT. And I felt I couldn’t help it.

It was not my fault that I had ended up like that, but it was my responsibility to fix it. 

I have friends who have a very similar story. And if this story feels uncomfortably familiar to you, if it causes you to feel so angry you might burst that I dare imply that there’s a similarity between the way your abusers treated you and the way you treat others, then you are who I’m writing this for. It’s unbearable to think about. I know it is. But let me tell you this: you have the power to break this cycle. I don’t know how my parents ended up the way they did, and I don’t care. But this could be generations upon generations of that behaviour, received trauma becoming given trauma. You are so powerful, you can be the end of that. 

And I want to say this: if this reminds you of someone in your life, someone who yells and upsets you, but you know they’ve had a bad past: you do not have to put up with it. You can and you have every right to walk away. No matter what they threaten will happen if you do. You do not have to put up with this. I say this as someone who absolutely was like that in the past. No matter what has happened to them, they have no right to hurt others. 

But if that’s you. And you don’t know how to stop this. It’s not that you want to scream and yell and attack your partner, your family, your friends, your pets, your children, I know it isn’t. It’s just that in that moment, you feel like you can’t hold back and it isn’t your fault because they just pressed the wrong button and it was unbearable. Like I said: I was you. Your excuses do not undo the harm you are doing. The only thing that will stop the harm is if you stop. 

You have to learn to recognise when this is going to happen. When you feel the pressure rising inside you and it is going to come out no matter what. When it starts to rise, you walk away. You go away from the situation. Put yourself in a different room. Lock the door if you need to. And when this happens... you’re going to want to go back and take it out on the person who made you feel this way. But they didn’t do this to you. This reaction is your brain chemistry misfiring. You CANNOT go back and start yelling. Or angry texting. Leave your phone somewhere else if this is an issue. You stay alone. 

As a survivor of decades of emotional abuse from the people who are supposed to love me, I know that nothing feels more painful than being away from the person who has upset you. I can’t explain the way that pain is. I’d rather have someone hit me in the face with a brick. But you do not have the right to lash out at someone else because you are hurt, even when you have that screaming urge to. The pain WILL subside on its own. It will take what feels like an unbearable length of time, but it will. If you need to scream into a pillow, or punch something that won’t feel pain and won’t get broken, write the angriest nastiest letters (that you don’t give to the person) then fine, but you have to set yourself that limit right now: never take it out on someone else. No matter what you think they’ve done. You can talk about what happened when you’re calm, and not before. 

What helped me get through this the first few times was that M would simply leave the house and turn his phone off, and I had no idea where he was. I couldn’t take it out on him, and he would not return until I’d calmed down. I had no choice but to just go through that hurt without harming him. The first few times it felt like a lifetime. I thought I would die from how much I was hurting inside. But I didn’t die. Eventually the hurt past, the pressure subsided. And then I felt so ashamed. Because every time I’d said I HAD to yell at someone else, every time I’d snapped at my dog, every time I’d shoved someone away when they weren’t in my personal space at all... I had had a choice. This is not an easy thing to deal with, and I just want to explain the Time Machine Amnesty here. That is: you do not have a time machine. You get full amnesty here, all past wrongs cannot be changed, you do not have to undo them, you simply have to prevent them from occurring in the present or the future, and that is something you can do. I was wrong, but I will not do it again. That is what I have power to do.

Every time I had to go through that intense pain on my own, it lessened. Now, it’s rare it happens at all, because once you stop justifying it, it stops coming for you. If it does, I just start to feel rattled and out of control, and I take myself off to a room by myself. Sometimes I smoke (I’m not recommending smoking obviously, but if you do it anyway, it can help), sometimes I just lie down and try to breathe, sometimes I play mindless games on my phone. Because I know that feeling of lack of control will pass, and I can avoid hurting anyone else with it. It isn’t a big deal any more.

There is no excuse in the world that is good enough for hurting other people. Even if you don’t mean to, even if you think you can’t help it, even if you didn’t have another room to go in, even if they really really REALLY hurt your feelings, even if you had already said DON’T DO THAT, even if your past was just so traumatic that it affects everything you do, even if your mental illness is really severe, I don’t care. I don’t want to see a single response to this that says “but this doesn’t include me because...”. No. The moment to reclaim power is now. Draw that line, right now: I will not yell. I will not lash out. I will not snap. I will not make that nasty comment. I will not be the cause of someone else’s pain, no matter what. 

This was not an easy post to write. It may not be an easy post to read. The most important things rarely are. If you do find it useful, I’d love for you to tell me, if you feel comfortable doing that.

[mononoavvare]

1-5

u got me talkin bout his childhood and shit, lio, goddamn it,

1. How does your character think of their father? What do they hate and love about him? What influence - literal or imagined - did the father have?

for his “father” i guess we’ll talk about danzo, even though he’s more of a severely creepy and manipulative grandpa. 

sai used to idolize danzo, by design he used to think the man could do no wrong. a single word of encouragement could have him overachieving for weeks, craving another moment of approval while still riding something he would never recognize as an emotional high. conversely, his disapproval hurt far worse than any corporal punishment ever could, and left him striving to never fail again. he followed the man’s orders to the T for the most part in an effort to appease him, and as he got older he just never really seemed to measure up, which left him scrambling to do and be better for him. 

now when sai thinks about danzo, he wants to take a very long dirt nap, because he realizes that the guy was a piece of shit that stole children and lied and turned people into weapons for his own twisted version of peace, but he still can’t help but feel some of the old shit, and on top of it he feels like… weirdly bad for that old fuck? he has trouble realizing that sometimes people are just pieces of shit, so he wonders what possibly could have happened to make him hate everything so much that he felt like he had to go to such lengths to fix it, and then sai gets mad that he even gives a shit, and he needs to fuck off and lay down. or get really, really drunk.

2. Their mother? How do they think of her? What do they hate? Love? What influence - literal or imagined - did the mother have?

sai has no recollection of his mother, nor the wet nurse he was given to when he was acquired by root. the only adult female figures in his life were the older ROOT kunoichi that trained him with is tanto, and for all that she was as mean as a rattlesnake, she also taught him something that gave him value as a weapon, and something that has saved his life and the life of others a hundred times over. so as faded as his memories of her are, for all that he never knew her name, for all that she kicked the shit out of him and a dozen other kids that were barely old enough to walk, he’s weirdly grateful to her, and also like 99% sure she’s dead.  

when shin was still alive, he used to imagine his ‘mother’ as a plump, silver haired woman in her 30′s that was endlessly kind, that would kiss his scraped knees and his bruised hands and give the both of them really good hugs, but he doesn’t remember this At All, because he was like… 3-4, and the image didn’t last long.

3. Brothers, sisters? Who do they like? Why? What do they despise about their siblings?

sai Probably wouldn’t count All of the dozen or so kids in his training class as siblings, but he would definitely count Some of them, and shin makes first place for his favorite older brother. maybe this is through rose colored glasses, but the shit he hates most about them is that they’re dead. 

4. What type of discipline was your character subjected to at home? Strict? Lenient?

deeply unpleasant corporal punishment, training-as-punishment, emotional manipulation and mental conditioning. his upbringing was majorly strict (read: abusive and terrible) and one or more or all of these things were the usual punishments. for transgressions ranging from “forgot it was his turn to report to dish duty” to “accidentally talked back to an instructor.” 

sai started out a hellion and they only Barely managed to beat it out of him the first time. 

5. Were they overprotected as a child? Sheltered?

absolutely not. it was quite literally adapt or die essentially from day one. if you survived your training, you were going on missions as soon as you “passed your graduation exam”, which was a literal fight to the death. 

[penguinsocksworks]

Diaries of the Unwilling

Awhile ago @handthigh requested a small sequelish thing to How to Win A Tsundere’s Heart so here it is! 

They’re the last entry to the Tsundere’s Diaries that explains their past a bit and how they came to be how they are. Warning:There’s talk of homophobia (not towards them) and this is def not my best work but then again when do I ever write anything good oops. There’s also not a ton of shipping stuff so.

Also, these sort of deal with a bit darker of topics. I am so sorry if I ever overstep bounds, I am getting all of my information off of either other stories that I have read or experiences from my own life or people I know. If I ever over step somewhere, please tell me so I may fix it.

Read on AO3 or FF.net

Dearest Diary,

Life hasn’t always been easy. It never really is for anyone, but it’s just a bit tougher on some people.

When I was younger I had three older brothers and another younger one on the way. And well… it wasn’t easy. My oldest brother had issues of his own that seemed to hurt me almost as much as it hurt my parents. Older brothers were supposed to be the ones who took care of the younger ones. Or at least that’s the way society and books always depicted the normal family household as. But I learned at an early age that books are an escape from reality, not reality itself.

My brother wasn’t abusive or anything, he just had demons I suppose. They haunted him, and made him do bad things like smoke and drink and have a shit ton of sex with random hussies. My parents had to watch him carefully.

The twins, my other older brothers, got into trouble in a different way. They seeked attention in ways that included breaking random things and blaming it on me or each other. Which demanded another good portion of my parents attention.

And of course, dear Peter. I despised him for a while. The only way I had gotten any real care from my parents was from being the baby. My parents of course were the best parents that they could have been. Wish they would've learned how to properly use a condom, or stop trying for a girl when they already had a few problem children. But they were parents I still wouldn't trade. Peter did nothing to deserve my years of detestation, and I realized that somewhere in my late junior high years. I wish that I had come to that conclusion faster, then maybe we could have banned together. He was the one who truly had it bad.

Yes, I had to take care of Allistor for a number of years. Grow up faster than I should have had to. But I was never alone.

My neighbor, Alfred and his younger twin brother Matthew were always there to play with me. To hang out with me whenever Allistor was acting up or the twins were being reprimanded. I always had a place to call safe and I was always surrounded by people who cared about me truly.

I wish I could have realized that I didn’t need my parents undying attention or love because I had someone else’s. I just never took the time to notice.

But poor Peter was always alone. Coddled like there was no tomorrow, but born so many years after the rest of us that he was alone in ways that didn’t necessarily mean not being surrounded by people. I should visit more often.

My childhood conclusion was that love was something to be desired, but never obtained. Because people can say that they love you, maybe even show it on certain occasions, but it’s something that was always taken back. Fleeting.

Allistor had come back heartbroken and fucked up too many times for me to not believe it. And my parents had broken too many promises for me to be skeptical of a ten year olds conclusion about one of the most powerful forces in the world. Universe.

And that was my belief on the matter for a great number of years. I saw no flaws with it.

But remember that childhood friend? My neighbor? Alfred, not Matthew (though I do care about him too). He’s weird. An anomaly in my otherwise perfect data. I thought of him as nothing but a friend for a long time, maybe because I’ve never thought that I should be liking people as something else. I was like my parents, never good with promises, so how could I promise my love to another person? I never allowed myself to think that way, maybe a passing thought if someone was particularly attractive, but I never thought that I should be someone who would be in a committed relationship.

It was just obvious to me, it was something that only truly great people were worthy of.

It’s not that I thought lowly of myself. It was more just a matter of fact for me. People who were in love or relationships we’re not people like me. Nothing in common. Simple as that.

Alfred had always been someone special to me though. My junior high self would have called it what best friends felt towards other best friends.  My last year self would have called it stupid, and just an Alfred thing. But my now self knows it’s much more than that.

As you have heard, my dear diary, there have been a number of events that have happened. Each one different and unique and leaving me feeling stranger than the last. This year was something of an adventure.

Alfred always had a way of making reality seem like a storybook.

He’s my everything now. He could have possibly been like this for me since forever ago considering the layers of denial i’ve been buried under. It’s weird for me to even say something like this in my head. It’s such a foreign concept, and I haven’t quite gotten used to it. Me, Arthur Kirkland, in a loving relationship with a wonderful person. It sounds like a lie.

He holds my hand now like he used to hold my hand back when we were kids. I was always a bit of a klutz and he would have to help me walk along the rocks whenever we played by the river. It makes me wonder if he’s always felt this way about me. And if he has, I wonder how many times he thought of just stopping.

I remember how hard junior high would’ve been without him.  He can make the rest of the world disappear without even thinking about it, and I’d only be able to focus on how much better he was than I at simple card games or drawing trees. It distracted me from Allistor's growing suspension record. The twins havok. Peter’s relentless crying. For the hours we were together it was just us two. He always distracted me from anything else going on, it was like he was magical. He is magical. The number of times I came to him crying only to leave smiling less than an hour later is too high to count. He was always there, and I took it for granted for many years without even truly knowing that I was. I wonder if he knew. I wonder if he ever was ever sick of me coming to him for help.

These past few months were something out of a hellish dream. Alfred pulled stunts that I wouldn’t have ever believed if I hadn’t lived through them. He’s brash and loud, but patient and willing to do anything for me. Which I think is the most wonderful thing in the entire universe. He never snapped at me, and I think he knew that I wasn’t going to believe that he loved me more than a friend the first time. Or the second. Or third. Or fourth. I must have been stressful and frustrating to deal with a number of times, but he never showed it. If I were to trust my heart to anyone, it would be him. I can say that now with confidence. I hate myself for making him have to prove it to me so many times. It wasn’t my intention to be this difficult. I wonder if he ever thought that I wasn’t worth all of this trouble.

I wish I could repay Alfred for not giving up on me, god knows it must have been pretty damn hard.

My life isn’t as sad as this entry makes it out to be. Reading this over, I sound like a rather depressing person with a lot of self-worth and emotional issues (not that I don’t have any). I’m actually a fairly happy person if you know me. Grumpy and annoyed sometimes, but I’m happy with how my life has turned out and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Especially now.

Alfred is going to call me from America in twenty minutes. And he’s going to make it seem as if the time and distance that has separated us is nothing more than a dream by telling me he loves me. And I’m going to say it back. And well, that’s more than I ever thought I was going to get.

Sincerely,

Arthur Kirkland

Dear Diary,

I suppose I’ve only written in you whenever something catastrophic happens or whenever I needed to let something out. And this time isn’t really different.

I don’t have a problem. Or more like, that is the problem. For the first time in my life I feel oddly… at peace. Maybe this is more of Matthias’ doing.

I was a kid who was moved around for a good portion of my life and had seen some things that kids probably weren’t supposed to. All things for my growing years were temporary.

As I have mentioned briefly before, I have two mothers. You’d think that in this day an age that wouldn’t be a problem. Tumblr would probably have a fit if they found out what my parent’s had to go through while I was growing up.

Growing up probably isn’t the right term for it, maybe until I was seven and we finally settled down in a nice town that didn’t care about us. But before then it was weird. I never really had much time to make attachments and my cold persona that I put on kept other kids from talking to me. So I guess when Matthias came up to me that time during recess I was too surprised to say anything to thwart him off. I never made new friends. After you lose the first twenty from either moving or discrimination you learn.

By the time Matthias decided he wanted to be my friend I was already quite skeptical of affection. It was a word that existed in my dictionary, but was exclusively for family. My moms taught me that love was love no matter what and that they would love me regardless of who I was. It was unconditional. It came from years of being told the opposite and I wasn’t immune to hearing what people said about them. My mom and mor are the strongest people I know, and I hope Emil never has to see them the way I have.

Broken and damaged.

I love my mothers. I never want them to cry or feel bad. But at six or seven there isn’t much you can do. Other parents would whisper and I could feel my mor’s grip on my hand tighten whenever she would come to pick me up. On days when everyone’s staring got to be too much she would cry at night. She still wore a bright smile for me though, and I even got pancakes and a sorry. But she didn’t have anything to be sorry for.  I’m highly aware that people call me antisocial and I think they think it’s because other kids bullied me into being that way. I think my parents blame themselves for how I act now, but they really shouldn’t.

It wasn’t their fault. It was everyone else’s. All the people who didn’t see that love was a natural right.

I wasn’t sure who I could trust when I was younger. Most kids didn’t understand why I had two mothers, but if I explained it to them they wouldn’t really think too much of it. That’s the thing with most kids, they’d make a face at most, maybe the mean ones would tease, but more often than not it would be like explaining why it rained to a kid. Okay now they know, still don’t really get it, but eh. Whatever lets just go back to playing tag. Kids are one thing, they didn’t know about social norms, it was their parents that I had to worry about.

I protected myself from the ones that would be ripped away from our friendship the moment that their parents found out about mine, sure. But I knew that it hurt my moms more than it hurt me. It took me awhile to notice. Why all the kids wouldn’t want to play with me anymore, and then why we had to move again. We could never find a place to call home. A place where it was safe to be us.

I started to lie. A lot. I’d tell my parents that things were fine at school and that I had a lot of friends. I don’t think I’d ever seen them so happy or relieved. But the cold truth was that I didn’t make friends. I’d distance myself from the other kids, because I knew that our friendships wouldn’t last. My friendships with other kids had only meant pain for my mom’s, and I sure as all hell didn’t want to be the reason they were sad. It’s easy to say you’re just going to ignore what everyone says, but it’s harder to do it.  

I think they thought that I was mute at one point. I talked less and less and lost that innocent smile my mom loved so much. I knew everything people said about them and I hated people for it. No one was worth smiling at, let alone my words. I wasn’t that innocent anymore since I knew how hard they had it. The metaphorical truck of how adulthood was shit hit me with its full force.

We moved again when we adopted my brother. My lies had worked and the only reason we were moving again was to get a bigger house. I had put on my whole cold and stoic, don’t talk to me attitude and marched into school.

I lied and said that I made five friends that day when the truth was that I played all alone.

The next day my lie was less of a lie. That was the day Matthias became my friend. It shocked me how much I enjoyed his company and I couldn’t let myself cut him off. It was a risk that my younger self was willing to take. And I thank god everyday that I did.

And then, as if by magic, my lie wasn’t a lie at all. I made friends with Matthias’ help, and he showed me how it’s okay to trust other people. I met Tino and Berwald and they are now two of my closest friends. I was still on edge, but it was the first time I ever considered staying friends with people.

My mom said I was smiling again, she cried when I asked if Matthias could come over.

Matthias’ parents are never home. Maybe that’s part of the reason why I trusted him. He opened up to me the second day we hung out at lunch in a very Matthias fashion. Nonchalant for a serious topic. He still had his childish innocence to break. His parents were always away and his babysitter didn’t speak much english, only danish. That day was also the day that I learned that danish wasn’t just something I got to eat when I was good.

But I think it was around that time that I found myself in a place where I didn’t have to worry. I haven’t seen my parents cry in grief since. They’re happy. They have each other and that’s all that really matters.

To be honest I think they knew I was lying before at my old schools. But with Matthias around, they didn’t have to worry about me anymore.

That isn’t to say that being friends with Matthias changed everything I thought. I was still not sure who I could trust with my feelings, who would judge me for being who I was. If humans had the capacity to make others tear themselves up over something as innocent as love then what chance did I stand? I knew in my heart that Matthias wouldn’t ever, but my brain said that logically he could.

I’m not sure how long it was before I was undeniably attached to him. I was able to make friends and function better in social situations because of him. I was able to place trust in humanity again because of him.

Love was something that everyone had a right too, but it had to be earned. You have to deserve it. To trust it.

I will probably spend my life trying to make myself worthy enough to deserve the amount of love Matthias has given me over the years. Spend my life trying to repay him for what he’s done for me and what I’ve put him through. But I know I won’t be alone.

This year was something else, with all that stuff that he pulled. He was willing to make himself look stupid for me. Willing to let others talk about him for me.

Matthias is a gift that I don’t think humanity deserves. He always sees the good in things. I hope he never changes. All his quirks are things I can’t get enough of. I love him and no amount of whisperings will ever change that fact.

~Lukas Bondevik

Dear Diary,

This is probably the fortieth time I’ve written that and I still sound like a fucking chick in a disney movie.

Did you know it’s easy to trick someone into thinking that you love them? My parents for example. My mother was left pregnant with twins, abandoned by the person that supposedly loved her. And then us, Feliciano and I, abandon by her. Then a few years later I saw that bitch again when she dropped Sebastian off and booked it the hell outta there.

My grandfather said that's part of the reason why I didn’t think loves real. Apparently children are very impressionable, because young minds are like sponges or some shit like that.

I never really thought of how my childhood affected how I thought. I suppose that in a sense I never really believed people when they said they loved me, or anything. But I thought that was normal, I mean. My biological parents loved each other one moment, then they didn’t. Who was to say that everyone wasn’t lying when they said that. We all do leave each other eventually because death is still a thing. It’s even in wedding vows, ‘till death do us part’.

Love is a lie. That was my strong belief for a while. All the examples of love that I was given had been terrible. My parents. My grandpa was divorced. My brother was coddled constantly by everyone else around us so I hated him for a while for it. Loved him like a brother was supposed to, but to me it wasn’t real love. Ergo, every time I said ‘love you Feli, night’ it was a lie. I love my brother now despite how air headed he can be, but i truly disliked him as kids.

I didn’t think that my beliefs would ever change, cause why the fuck would they? I’ve been told I’m pretty stubborn. I’m not going to say that girly shit like ‘the minute I met Antonio everything changed or the moment I realized I loved him my beliefs were #shook’ (yes Arthur, Lukas, I read what you guys wrote you pansies.) cause that would be another lie. Things started to change before I met him, it started with my brother.

My brother is a guy who can easily love, which puts my grandpa’s theory of ‘Lovino acts like that cause abandonment’ into question. As I said earlier, I hated him. But I guess over time he grew on me, in his own Feliciano way. By the time high school rolled around he, Sebastian, and grandpa were the only two people I loved with all my heart as mushy as that sounds. The whole love thing was growing on me I guess.

But love leaves. Feliciano and that stupid potato bastard are probably going to run off into a field of flowers and chocolate and then Sebastian the same with whoever he finds to love. Then it was just gonna be me and our grandfather till he kicks the bucket. Sure they’ll love me, but I’ll still be left alone.

Point being, love that doesn’t leave is a lie was my new thesis in high school. Oh hell yeah it exists, but not abandoning you? Yeah right. Maybe that old guy had some truth to his own theory.

It came to the point of how do you know someone’s not going to leave? Cause you never know, never can know for certain.

But you could trust someone not to leave.

How do you trust someone not to is the real question then I suppose. I put little faith into a lot of people. I asked people to do things, keep secrets, but not really expecting them to actually do it. Antonio was a person who wasn’t much different from the others.

Antonio’s stupid personality though. He always made me feel oddly comforted and safe, and I hated it. I started to trust him, I could feel myself starting to whenever he smiled at me and did whatever I asked. He saved my ass a bunch of times with random things, like homework excuses or late night coffee runs. I trusted him to be there when I needed him.

I still do.

Isn’t that something? I trusted him even before all the things that he did this year. This crazy fucking year. But I guess I never would have realized how much I actually did if it weren’t for all that stuff. My stupid subconscious trust.

But I don’t think that I’m going to give up that trust. Not till I join grandpa up with the angels, and then maybe not even then.

Reading this outloud to myself was painful, mostly cause this was the most I’ve ever talked about my past and all the weird feelings I get with Antonio. He’s someone I trust and its just that easy. I guess I’m going to have to live with the fact that I trust him for the rest of my life, no matter how terrifying that can be sometimes. Cause I love him.

From,

Lovino

[drennalynspast]

[ my weak self ]

Tuesday, Nov. 30, 2010

listening to "sad" music on youtube and some of my personal music files at the moment.  after being emotionally charged, i feel the crash - the crash where i feel blank, empty, tired. i feel like i could sink into this nothingness.  

my return to post in d-land is usually out of either 3 reasons: 1)a situation causing me to be super emo  2)ranting about opinionated shit out of boredom  3) highlighting the events of my semester/months of nonactive posting  (perhaps this reason will subside due to my lack of contact with my counselor)

anyway, this entry is brought to you today by reason #1. it is my typical reiteration of similar past events. though, to put some clarity and temporary ease my mind for mental stabilization, i shall continue this blogging.

you know how people get stressed, worried, pissed off for whatever reason, they usually like to dish out their feelings on another person.  my mom went into my room to talk to me and was super pissy.  i was thinking, "god, what's eating you."  and she was bitching at me to start "doing stuff" in my applications to school and contact my past professor for recommendation letters. and no, that's not where it stops, damn asian parents have to keep nagging about deplorable future scenarios trying to instill fear into their children, thinking it will help motivate them.

she just had to throw the card of "you want to work at _[insert restaurant i am working in at the moment ]for 4 years?" and also throwing in mcdonalds as well.  

i can understand my parents.  believe me, i think i am a lazy bitch and careless slouch too numerous times. they are correct in that i must be more proactive in my endeavors if i am to succeed.  so yeah, they get all fearful and shit, so they feel like they have to come talk to me and "remind" me every now and then what i must do. i get it. 

what pisses me off the most, is how they fucking approach me, how they assume and accuse me of my future actions and success. it's like if i don't succeed in my goal, i will fail. i  will never fucking ever have a chance to rise.  i will always and forever have this unpleasant lifestyle.  if my parents have a fucking grudge about the fact that i am simply working part time at a restaurant just for quick money (not a lot of heavy hours too) while going to school, then they should fucking say something to my goddamn face directly.  instead of using it as a threat to me. it pisses me off so much.  they assume that this small part time thing is going to be permanent. 

"i work so hard for you, and you also need to try hard too etcetc.  i didn't have a lot of opportunity when i was a child etcetc". yeah, if you hate working so hard, then why don't you just let me go. stop letting me live with you, stop paying for my things.  i know this is like a double edged sword.  i hate my parents every now and then, but i rely on them.  they dislike my actions, but they want me to succeed or they will feel like they have failed.  it's an attempt to look altruistic, but in reality, parents want to do it to make themselves look good for themselves and in front of others.

i wonder, i honestly wonder.  would i be more hardworking, more motivated if i were to handle things completely on my own? -i.e: be cut off from their support and finances.  yes, it will be harder for me. it would be difficult to work and study. on the other hand, perhaps i may view life differently. it could be positive or negative though.  if i just leave my parents and go work, and take side classes. i may evolve into this complacent state where "working as i am now" is fine for me.  granted, i will be  living with a lesser income... or if i am lucky, it may not be so bad.  the other option would be i detest entry level work and try my best to work hard at my attempts to get better education.

back to the whole, "i understand what my parents think of me" thing. i don't blame my parents fully. i just despise their methods of communication towards me.  it is one of the reasons why i feel so... disconnected from them.  they are questionable about my actions because i don't talk. they don't know what is going on, so they make extreme assumptions.  it's bad they assume that and i should try to verify my actions to them but i just... don't feel like talking to them.  it's more of some  developed mindset i acquired over time, where i associate talking to my parents in a conversation will lead to a negative discussion that will result in me being pissed of frustrated --- therefore, i minimally communicate with them.   

i don't blame my parents for how i am today.  yes i was abused as a child; i was verbally abused and treated too at times. a lot of people go through terrible shit in their childhood, but some people turn out alright. some people still end up being confident, successful and independent.  the personality and a behavior of an individual is not wholly based 100% by parental influence. i'm not going to use  my childhood upbringing as an excuse for my current behavior and cognitive thinking. 

i've always seemed to be this shy and quiet child.  i believe i have grown more out of my shell in terms of being less shy, once i experienced my undergrad college years. if i could analyze my behavior, i would define it as avoidant and cautious.  why do i procrastinate? why am i lazy? believe me, i think a lot about my future.  i think about what i should do. however, when it comes to being proactive, that's where i am weak.

it's fear that i have. some terrible, fear of failing.  whenever i research the requirements for applications, i get so discouraged looking at some of the requirements because i know i don't meet them.  then i start feeling regretful, hating myself because i can't apply there.  whenever i realize i have to get recommendation letters, i get discouraged as well.  my past failures of receiving poor letters has given me doubt of my success and strength of recommendation in the application. i hate the feeling of feeling so... inferior, being weak, stupid, regretful. ...

so what do i do?  i block it all out.  i tell myself i can't face the cold facts today. i am not ready to sit down, research, apply and organize shadowing with other pts.  no, no, instead, i'll just sleep it off, i'll just do something else to entertain me to distract me, make me feel better while i decide to push back my plans the next day.  and then that next day, i think the same thing all over again, and push it back even more... and more.  ignorance is bliss. i seek instant gratification, instant results.  so i do things like surf net, chat for entertainment and sleep. why? because it seemed much effortless and easier than working hard on something i am unsure of, and wasting time on something i may potentially not get accepted into.

it's silly. it's stupid. it's absurd what i am doing.  yes, it is ignorant. i am weak, on the road to failure.  by procrastinating, of course i have dug myself into deeper shit. for one thing, i have already missed deadlines of applications i could have participated in, in sept, oct, and november..  god damn, that is like 3 months, and that could have been how many schools i should have applied to?  

so to you parents, who are nagging at me 237489247 times. and to others who are also nagging at me 9327498274 times to do something.  i -know- what i must do.  you can give me 239872984732 pep talks, lectures about why i should do this and that. what i need to do etc, but you know what? your lectures don't do shit for me.  they don't inspire me. they don't motivate me. they will not change me.  you, the speaker, cannot influence my behavior and thinking.  it seems like even my own personal events in the past weren't enough to do something to me. 

i have a problem.  it's a personal battle and dilemma.  it is something that i must do on my own.  it is something that i must learn on my own. telling me the same things do not help.  knowing what to do is one thing... but believing in yourself is different. it's like telling a person to stop feeling fucking sad. the person knows they shouldn't be sad, but they just can't get rid of that sadness asap. 

for me, it is fear about failing. when will i wake up from this fear? when will i stop being so discouraged. when will i stop being so weak? it's so much easier to just do shit earlier, get it over with, and not think of it for a while and not have to worry about deadlines.  but no... i somehow choose the other path because i am afraid to face it head on.  it's like travelling through a forest with two paths. one path looks brighter, sunnier, more friendly. another path looks dark, cold,with entangling vegetation.  what do i do? i take the brighter path that is friendly - only to find that the end of that sunny path is a dead end.