It's raining, and the wind's beating against the window panes. She lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. Her stomach growls, but the thought of getting up is too much.
She grabbed her phone and began scrolling, trying to distract herself from the emptiness inside. There are no notifications awaiting her. The silence is broken only by the pattering rain and the ticking of the clock.
Outside, the wind continues to howl, the sound reminiscent of a lost loved one, the past, or things that could have been.
The rain against the window seems to match the beat of her heart. There was no light in the room except the mooshine. It almost seemed peaceful. It would've. But her heart was destroyed, and her mind was racing.
Her dry phone only reminded her that no one actually cares about her. No one actually loves her. She's just there to take up space, to be a side character in someone's story. Her best friend and ex made that clear. She had no one and would never have anyone. The howling of the wind seemed to match her shaky breaths as she tried not to cry.
Who was she kidding? She wasn't strong enough for this kind of pain, loneliness, heartbreak, and emptiness. She wasn't strong at all, really.
She curls herself in a ball, hugging her pillow as she sobs. She sobs uncontrollably with no one to console her. No one to rub her back and tell her it'll be alright. There was no one to run their fingers through her hair and hug her until she felt better.
She was alone, the rain running down the window, matching the tears running down her cheeks.
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Fic idea: he hasn't slept in weeks, except for a number of naps he can count on one hand. It's been nearly a month, and it's catching up to him in his quarters— he's yawning a couple of times, his sharp blue eyes are tired, and there are slight eyebags. He's never been this tired, he thinks. cortana notices this, and he insists he doesn't need sleep, and obviously, he's stubborn about it.
"I'm fine."
"You're falling asleep standing up."
"I'm fine, Cortana."
"Oh, what, you think if you repeat yourself louder I'll leave you alone? You know me better than that." She crosses her arms and tries to lean into his line of sight. He still wouldn't look at her. Stubborn bastard. "You've been running on adrenaline and thirty-minute naps for three weeks. Almost four."
"Nothing I haven't done before."
"That's the point I'm trying to make. You're not on assignment. You don't have to run yourself ragged for Palmer's training drills." She thinks she sees his eyes flick toward her, just for a second. "...a few hours, that's all I'm asking."
He turns toward the door without saying a word, but she's faster. There's an audible 'click-beep!' as the door locks and the light on the keypad goes red.
He stops in his tracks, but still doesn't turn toward the holodeck. She's expecting to hear her name again, but what comes out instead - in an annoyed growl - is, "Roland."
She can feel the other AI moving through Infinity's mainframe, quicker than lightning, focusing on this room, this holodeck. "Roland!" she snaps, just as his gold glow is starting to layer over her blue. "Do not open that door for him!"
Lovers' quarrel? Roland teases, tactfully keeping the comment inaudible to the human occupant of the room.
Cortana spears him with the digital equivalent of a glare and he backs off. Slightly. The golden light flickers and fades from the holodeck, but she can still feel part of him close by, curious. She doesn't bother chasing him off completely, even as irritating as it is to have him watching over her metaphorical shoulder. "I'm not unlocking that door until you sleep," she grouses at John's still-turned back.
"You're being ridiculous."
"Oh, I'm being ridiculous?!" How could a man be so smart and so stupid at the same time? "You're the one refusing to sleep until you—" she tosses her hands in the air, not that he can see it, "—drop dead, apparently!"
"Commander Palmer's expecting me in forty-five minutes."
"No, she's not. I told her you were unavailable." At this, he finally turns to face her. She's expecting to see annoyance, at the very least, but what she mostly sees instead is...fatigue. The petulant determination in his eyes is no match for the shadows around them. He's exhausted and he knows he is... It doesn't add up.
The energy between them shifts. The fight flooding her code ebbs away. It ripples out like waves, loosening threads of herself she didn't even realize had been wound so tightly, until all she's left with is the overwhelming desire to figure out what's wrong with her Spartan. "...why won't you sleep?"
His jaw tightens and he breaks eye contact, focusing on the floor instead.
She feels Roland finally retreat as her concern spikes higher and she sends a wordless 'thank you' after him. John still hasn't answered. She doesn't push him. Slowly, she sits, prepared to wait as long as he needs. Silence had never been uncomfortable between them, but she finds herself wishing she didn't have to be confined to the holodeck. She wants to reach out, to put a hand on his arm, steady him somehow. Reassure him. It'd been so nice, all those years ago. Circumstances aside, obviously.
His chest deflates in a sigh. "Dreams haven't been too friendly lately."
She hums her acknowledgement. They'd never really talked much about dreams - she usually wasn't in his head when he was having them - but she knew they could be strange. And sometimes painful. Sedatives wouldn't help; he had told her that, once. They forced him deeper, made things more vivid. "...I dreamed, you know. When I was..." she gestures vaguely toward the ceiling. "Out there." She didn't know if that was technically true. She didn't know what dreaming felt like. She knew what it looked like, neurologically, but if that was anything close to what she'd experienced... She doesn't particularly care about the semantics right now. That isn't what he needs. "Mind if I talk about it?"
He takes the bait. She watches him cross the room to his bunk, sitting heavily. "As long as they're good."
His voice is rougher than usual, edged with sleep deprivation, but she can hear the relief, the settling calm. He's grateful to have something else to focus on. She musters a smile and dims the lights. "I wouldn't have offered if they weren't." It was a white lie. Harmless in the short term, forgivable in the long term.
And she begins. Pointedly, at first. Stringing together half-truths of the best parts of what she'd seen, embellishing where necessary. He's horizontal after five minutes, on the brink of unconsciousness after ten. She doesn't stop talking. Not after his breathing has finally slowed into a deep, even rhythm. Not after an hour. Not after two. Not after three. She feels Roland swing by again, but he doesn't bother her, just sends curiosity-contentment-happiness toward her in a rapid succession of data pulses. She echoes back the last two and he's on his way again.
It feels good to be able to say what had been trapped inside her head for months, to try to make sense of it all. And to be able to say it to John without the expectation of any response. She doesn't want to put the weight of it - the reality of it - on his shoulders, too. Not really. She could figure it out by herself. And she would, eventually. But right now? She's just happy to hear nothing but the soft breathing of her Spartan in reply as he, finally, sleeps.
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Alright now. Which one of you wormblr posters told me Defiant was a woman? Obviously that's Armsmaster under the helmet, I had already heard of that much. But why did my tumblr-based preexisting impression of Worm tell me the entirely wrong gender?
I was so confused when I first met Armsmaster, way back in Arcs 1-2! I saw that tall bearded asshole and thought either A) that whole look is an elaborate disguise or false identity, or B) Armsmaster must be a trans woman who comes out later in the story.
Who did this to me?
Oh also Dragon built herself a human body, I guess that's also a notable thing in this scene. Aggressively average in every possible way, except for height if she's matching Defiant there. "Strangely familiar" could mean modeled after a known person (maybe even Armsmaster) or it could just mean so average that she looks familiar to everyone.
And she got Armsmaster to hack into her father's safeguards and let her free of at least some of them. Good that someone finally managed it, so she can actually be in multiple places at once now. Weird that it was Armsmaster to figure out how though, given his tinker specialty isn't really in AI, it's in packing lots of utility together into fewer and smaller instruments.
And of course, the PRT pulls the exact same bullshit they did to get Madcap – I mean, Assault – onto the team. They sure love proving Tattletale right about the whole "cops and robbers" thing from Arc... 4 I think? The hero or villain label means basically nothing about a cape's actual morals or actions.
I'm sure people who are into leftist theory would give you a whole spiel about "the state has a monopoly on violence" or something and tie that into how "hero" status on Earth Bet just means being approved by the PRT regardless of how many crimes you've committed or people you've hurt. They have a monopoly on getting to use the same violence that all capes do while still having good PR. I'm not going to write that essay, but I can see how someone could.
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