#all my religious trauma girlies can relate

[aflockofravens]

My body responding to exposure to a brand new hyperfixation

[randomblack-girl]

Astro notes 🧜🏾‍♀️

I noticed Saturn in the 9th house might show signs of religious issues like maybe religious beliefs were pushed onto them when they were young and this made them dislike religion or feel uncomfortable with it. I have this placement and I hate when people start talking to me about religion. Especially to fix my problems like girl God isn't gonna fix my crippling depression...enough

This could also show signs of going to college late or not wanting to. Maybe being conservative? But I haven't seen that, quite the opposite surprisingly.

Jupiter in the first house come off as nerdy or like they know a lot or very ditzy maybe both.

I've noticed sag risings, degrees, or jupiter rising have eye problems.

Saturn in the 6th house like to go on diets or they just do for some reason. And they stick to it they take their health seriously probably work out often too.

Pisces venus/5th house love anything with romance, fantasy, magic and spiritual stuff like Crystals. Here's some recommendations for yall 😍

Caraval by Stephanie Garber I love this book SO MUCH just read all 3 books and her other series once upon a broken heart eats too

Idc imma put it here...The Selection series and I don't wanna hear no slander 🙅🏾‍♀️

Now you see me- the movie I just watched it and omg why is it so good !?

I think the 5th house talks about music taste along with venus. My sister has a sag venus and listens to music in Spanish she also has Uranus in her 5th house and listens to pop. And I'd say music that isn't mainstream she loves Rina Sawayama and Rosalia.

I have pisces venus in my 5th house and I listen to mostly pop-indie music. I'm a pop and rnb girlie. I don't listen to mainstream music really and I kinda write mainstream artists off sometimes. My favorite artists are probably tyler the creator and willow. I also don't really "stan" anyone I really just listen to whatever is good. I rarely stick to an artist or have a favorite. I listen to one or two songs by one artist usually then move on its rare for me to like most of their music. I noticed something similar with my sister.

I have lilith in the 11th house and tell me why damn near my whole grade hated me 😻🤭. It was mostly guys too and I also experienced cyber bullying.

Lilith in the 6th house might show issues with their health or body. I knew someone who has this placement and they have diabetes. But it could just mean being insecure about their body.

Lilith in the 11th house are the ones sending and getting n*des too like unsolicited pictures or sexual comments. Maybe they do s*x work online or thought of it. Anything negative or sexual that includes the internet. Omg this placement reminds me of Kat from Euphoria!! Damn no wonder I related to her 💀

Chiron in the 9th house might show religious trauma. This is the placement for people who grew up in the black church...iykyk.

Venus in the 2nd house have nice lips like plump and little with a prominent cupids bow. My sister has this placement and she has such cute lips!

Capricorn rising and Saturn aspects to the asc tend to be skinny the type to eat whatever and never gain weight. It could be an insecurity I have Saturn square my asc and I've always been insecure about being skinny. I've also noticed they can be tall or look tall. Basically the tall and lanky type.

8th house neptune/pisces idk but something with drugs. May become addicted to substances, die from them, die in mysterious ways.

I knew someone with their sun in the 12th house and they talked about not knowing themself and being a different person to fit in.

Gemini moons love to read but they might struggle to actually read because of their other interests.

Moon in the 8th house might be like their mom. They might look like their mom or just be similar. Just a theory but maybe it would be like that with other planets like sun in the 8th house might be like the father, venus might be like their partner, mercury like their sibling. But I'm not sure.

Leo, 5th house placements, or sun dominant might love yellow, gold, and stuff with the sun. I'm sun dominant and love gold and sun jewelry I kinda refuse to wear silver unless I have to 🤭.

Moon people might love silver I know a guy who had moon in his first house who loved silver.

Capricorn rising/Saturn rising might have something with their bones. I know a guy who is cancer rising with Saturn in his first house who talked about getting silver grills. He also had pointy knees 😭 and his teeth were sharp, fang like? And he talked about hating them. He was also tall (he was so fine chile 😩) but we must stay focused!

Gemini men will tell you anything chile...I was dating (this was middle school so I don't really claim him but anyway) this guy with a gemini venus. He told me he was into black girls (whole time he's racist) and ended up cheating on me with a white girl 😭. Now again this was middle school so take it with a grain of salt ig.

Idc what planets but having a lot of planets in the 4th house is usually not a good thing 😬. Most people with this I've noticed had a traumatic childhood.

[garbage--account]

Ladies, may i have your attention please ?

Reblog and share this post with the most girlies possible right now, because

👏WE 👏NEED 👏TO 👏START 👏AN 👏OLDER 👏VIRGIN 👏GIRL 👏SUPPORT 👏GROUP

(Lads, don't you effing start laughing like stupid, i bite fr! Love u if u support tho)

If you are like me, a 24 yo and + woman and virgin/never had sex/single, or can relate to, let's start this mf support group, reblog and share so that more ladies can follow us, 'cause i can't be the only one 😤

If you don't, reblog and share are still appreciated but DON'T READ THE REST OF THE POST FOR I AM GOING TO SLANDER 🌠Jennifer🌠 SO HARD, THE CHILDREN MUST NOT SEE AND U DON’T WANNA SEE THAT

Ladies, be a girl's girl and join the fight against 🌠Jennifer🌠 !!!

TW : abuse of the word "virgin" because it's not an insult not a compliment so we are getting used to hear it. If your uncomfortable with "virgin", get out 🚪🚶‍♀️

By the way, 🌠Jennifer🌠 is not a person : she is an allegory, she represents the people when i tell them i am virgin.

I picture 🌠Jennifer🌠 as female because in french, my native language, nouns have genders and society is female, i don't make the rules 💅 I don't personally know a Jennifer : i picked the name for the vibe.

Since i am adult virgin woman, she assumes that I :

Too pure for this world

Waiting for marriage

Religious

Traditional

No fun at all

Don't get sex joke

Blushing/outraged at anything even remotly intimate

Ugly/unattractive

Bad at flirting

A lesbian in denial

Aro/ace

Femcel

Shy/not assertive/doesn't dare anything

Childish/immature

Don't take care of myself

Must have something wrong in my body and/or my head

Aiming for someone not single (for example, her lame and uglyass bf 🤮)

Hate men

Too masculine/not womanly enough

A "nice girl" or a "one of the boys"

Scaring/disgusted the boys out

Scared of the 🍆

Don't know how it works

"Too much into politic" / too feminist

Set my standards too high

Have a trauma

Not interested in others/antisocial/sociopath/cavewoman

Don't masturbe

Need advice about the boys

Too romantic

Had strict parents

A lonely girl

Actually a minor

Cringe

Chronically online

Don't know life

Lying

Like STFU, stop. You don't even make sense !

We were talking, getting to know each other. We were getting along so far until i dropped "actually i am still a virgin" bomb.

And then 🌠Jennifer🌠 started to look at me funny and that's how i KNOW she will less respect me. Like she either babying or gaslighting me. She may not say anything but all the previous points above are shining through her sassy eyes.

I KNOW i may sound aggressive in this post but irl i am not like that, she just annoys me so much . Your girl have a job, friends, hobby, ambition, dreams, YOUR GIRL IS BUSY and doesn't have to put up with those bs.

The worst is : i am perfectly okay with me having reaching adulthood and still being virgin, but it somehow bugs🌠Jennifer🌠' for no reason and wanna make it my problem.

So hear me out, 🌠Jennifer🌠 :

what i put or not my coochie is not your effing business

I am 24, you thought seeing a dick pic would have me blushing ?

As if i'd want ur lameass bf 🤮 he doesn't even treat u right

All the men i know so far were nothing but wonderful with me

Do i need to show you my 139452 step self-care routine to prove you i am girly enough ?

If i scare the men, how come you are not scared of me ? (Fear me or i will harvest your kneecaps)

What if i wasn't queer/lgbt ? (Show them support pls)

I am fabulous 💅💅💅💅💅🖕

I don't have any sex related trauma, but i will be your worst nightmare if you keep going

Why would i be lying ? I don't have time for creating bs, unlike you

No i am not hidding it 🖕

I would love to do sex jokes for you. Unfortunatly i don't like you and will not joke around with u

Your standards are too low

Me and my bitches from the adult virgin women support group will put you down and we are not shutting up. Period 💅

[whyamiheretumbled]

Fun facts abt my bebes

Casey:

•Had a Bimbo Phase

•Bro is OBSESSED with like ICP has gone to all the concerts and loves Mother Mother

•Chased Raph, Mikey, Shadow, and Leo around with a knife on multiple occasions

•Cannot stand the smell of lavender

April:

•Dyed hair red and blonde

•Loves autumn out of all the seasons because she can get the best outfits and chill

•Will NEVER initiate hugs unless rlly emotional

•Girly hates having feeling talks but also has to make everyone have them.also feels so awkward comforting but does it right the more she does it sooo

Irma:

•Loves listening to when Leo sings because he sings good

•Is such a like dad to the group and Leo's the mom (lmao reversed roles)

•Finds bugs cool and stuff but screams at moths or anything with little feelers on the legs

•Cant dance and is so stiff and awkward but gets dancing lessons later

Karai:

•Hates ppl who fetishize aisians(or any race for that matter)

•Loves dishes with fish for some reason

•Does those ads for old ppl and playable ads bc she loves them sm

•Bullies her little siblings with her whole life especially Leo cause he's so short like L

Venus:

•Bites her siblings especially Raph or Mikey when they hug her

•Will slap her bro with her tail cause theirs are sm shorter(not accurate since females have shorter tails than males but yk sexual dimorphasin is more in play than sex size in my au)

•Can and will adopt over excitable human or mutant versions of gavapoos

•Plays Adorable Home and Toca Boca cause they're calming

Angel:

•Destroyed all her vapes and did a funeral for them cuz it was hard for her(not mocking addiction just something she jokes ab in the future)

•Would wear all white to a funeral and wants her friends to throw a party on hers

•Seth Borden and Sam/Colby fan till the day she dies

•Finds mice and then scares her friends(*ahem* Casey *Ahem*) with them

Leo:

•Loves Miku and Mistiki

•Rainbow Dash or Rarity is who he envies because he'd like to have no responsibility but RELATES TO TWILIGHT SM

•Loves cartoons bc they are childish and handle serious stuff but acts like they're stupid and for little kids

•Attachment issues 24/7 like he wants to sleep in his family's rooms especially Raph, April, Irma, or Master Splinter

Donnie:

•Bro studies every religion and has religious trauma from Splinter 😭

•Thereatened to dissect his brothers mutiple times

•Would play Kill the Royal, Overthrow the Dictator, Medical Malpractice and Surgical Room as a kid(still does)

•Acts like he hates hugs or anything from his brothers but secretly loves them

Raph:

•Kinda a sore loser AND sore winner

•Bro loves stuffies,like will cry if Mrs.Cuddles pops a single seam

•Loves dressing up as princesses but always acts like he hates it but he likes the dresses sm

•Loves taking photos

Mikey:

•Cackles like a witch to scare his brothers in the shower(not in a perv way he's just mad annoying)

•Loves to pick up spiders to scare Raph and will eat bugs if put into candy

•Loves MLP like has sm MLP stuff and when Raph and him shared a room he was so fucking tired of his stuffies and shit being all over

•Loves to put acrylics on his nails or when people paint them

[blitz0hno]

posting for attention

i wrote down some stream of consciousness stuff. Maybe someone will relate. Please don't worry, they are only thoughts and feelings we are coping with.

TW// suicdal ideation, awful grammar, prayer (for my religious trauma girlies)

enjoy my suffering /gen

AAAAAAAAAAAAGH WHAT CAN I DO RN 

I CAN”T CALM TF DONW 

I CAN’T CAN’T I CAN’T 

I FEEL SO FAKE AND SO VIOLENT 

AND FUCKING INSANE 

AND LIKE MY LIFE IS FALLING TO PIECES 

NO MATTER WHAT I DO 

BECAUSE I CAN’T SEEM 

TO UNDERSTAND ANYTHING 

OR DO ANYTHING OR ACT ON ANYTHING 

WE WANNA DO BC WE R SO SCARED 

OF POURING OUR HEART INTO SOMETHING 

AND BEING REJECTED

 F U C K IT HURTS IT HURTS THIS HELPED IG

IDK EVERYTHING HURTS

NOT EVERYTHING

UH I AM ACTUALLY PHYSICALLY GOOD

BUT THE FLASGBACKS NEED TO STOP 

THEY NEED TO STOP.

GOD HELP ME WHY AM I SO FUCKED UP 

I WANT TO FUCK UP ANYONE 

WHO WOULD DO THAT SHIT TO A KID 

WHY IS THIS EVER ALLOWED TO HAPPEN 

EVER WHY ARE SO MANY PEOPLE 

SO FUCKING TWISTED 

I JUST WANT IT TO STOP 

I WANT PEOPLE TO STOP 

HURTING EACH OTHER 

I WANT PEOPLE TO STOP

HURTING ME 

NO MATTER HOW MUCH I TRY TO AVOID IT. 

I AM NOT HERE RN 

I AM DISSOCIATING 

LIFE A MOTHERFUCKER

 AND I CANNOT DO THIS SHIT

 I NEED IT TO STOPPPPP

I WANNA FEEL BETTER

 I DON’T KNOW WHY I HAVE TO CARRY AROUND 

ALL THIS BULLSHIT

PEOPLE WHO HURT PEOPLE 

WILL GET WHAT’S COMING TO THEM 

BUT WHEN, WHEN????? 

I cannot rn, 

how are we gonna get our shit together 

when we’re burning the FUCK out? 

Ugh. 

deep breath, deep breath. 

There’s a hole of grief on my chest. 

My socks are wet. 

I wanna cry in the fuckin library, 

It’s too cold. 

I am scared.

my head hurts. 

I need to complain ig. 

Why do i do this? 

I have everything I could need 

but no matter how grateful 

i try to be, 

instead of getting a break 

i just get more and more piled on 

how tf did this happen 

why did we lose our job 

to some douchebag family member 

of the shittiest manager around 

oh my fucking god the cowardice 

and entitlement 

of all the soft fuckin SHITHEADS i keep meetign 

like PICK A STRUGGLE. 

I keep zoning out dear god 

let me find something to do with this rage 

stop the rain for two minutes 

I don’t want to drive 

i don’t want to think

and the visibility outside is awful 

WHY IS FEBRURARY LONG 

it’s longer this year 

I want spring 

I want sun 

I am sad that it’s getting warmer out 

and weather is getting extreme so 

I wish it was at least weather I like. 

My routine is shot, 

I have none. My phone is dead, 

doordash is too much energy rn. 

I am. 

Killing myself. 

Not really but 

jfc I am so tired 

in a way that weighs on you. 

And I feel survivor’s guilt 

about the whole fucking world. 

Guilt guilt guilt 

that is ALL we ever feel 

everything is our fault somehow and 

we can’t fix anything with that attitude 

I am so upset. 

Fuckin hell. 

Make it stop make it stop 

but don’t let me die 

I’m not ready. 

And I feel guilty for that too, 

because who IS ready? 

It just happens. 

And instead of happening to rapists and serial killers 

it happens to sweet people 

who made the world better. 

Fuck this. 

Where’s the divine punishment 

for the WORLD LEADERS????? 

What’s with the collective 

capitalist punishment? 

I constantly feel like 

I’ve done something wrong or bad. 

Constant. 

Stupid fucking axel, 

screaming in our face and starting this whole mess. 

My life is great overall 

but my heart and mind are fucked up rn.

Are you there god? It’s me.

And me. And me.

Etc..

I don’t wanna kill myself it just sounds really easy (it’s not you will not go out without a fight so it’ll just be a llot of medical bullshit.)

[screamingwhisper]

just watched there will be blood for the first time and I feel it’s irreparably changed my brain chemistry… I want to sit on Eli’s face until he’s gasping for breath <3

He just brings out the absolute worst in me like no other dano character will ever even compare to how depraved Eli makes me and I don't really fully understand what it is about him that makes me so deranged, I have no religious upbringing or anything like that. Cause I can understand why the religious trauma girlies (gender neutral) would be into him, but I can't relate to that. All I can say is that his whorish ways have captivated me and I am merely along for the ride.

And that is such a delicious thought, especially if you made fun of him for not being able to breathe, or he tries to speak and you tell him how stupid he sounds, telling him to say it again because you can't understand him.

[butwhatifidothis]

I also think that part of the reason why the church gets so much hate is because of how much general distrust there is in organized religion in real life. Like I went into Three Houses trying to keep an open mind and during White Clouds I really couldn't see what was so heinously wrong with the church even during the Lonato thing that made the institution so much worse than what Edelgard was inciting. I could be totally wrong but I was under the impression that Rhea didn't squash the insurrection because they were a part of the Western Church but because they were actively rebelling and, on top of that, Lonato was bringing civilians into the conflict. That, along with the fact that Rhea knows for an absolute fact that the goddess existed and that she herself is old as dirt (trauma included) makes her decisions make a lot of sense.

I'm playing through AM with my friend who's never played before and they IMMEDIATELY said they distrusted the church because Jeralt doesn't like Rhea (for understandable reasons but my friend also ignored his very sus behavior of not explaining literally anything to Byleth) and because organized religions must be inherently bad.

It’s something that’s heavily related to a player’s inability to separate the reality of their specific circumstances with those of the fiction they’re consuming. They implant their experiences onto things that are only somewhat related and then extrapolate “facts” about the fiction that are, many times, actively shut down and/or disproven by that fictions lore or story or plot.

And, like, it’s normal to relate fictional things to your personal stories if you see connections to them. I’d wager a good amount of people find some aspect of a character they like/love that sticks out to them specifically because of a similarity they share of some kind, whether big or small. I know of people who’s fave superhero is The Flash because The Flash is fast and they ran track and hey, that’s cool, a superhero who’s ability is running really fuckin’ fast and I wanna be really fuckin’ fast. To use myself as an example, I can relate to the struggles Claude specifically has with race because many of the things he says correlate very well to my personal experiences with race. So, going by that line of logic, the opposite is clearly going to happen as well; there are many villains, or characters of either or neither allegiance towards good and evil, who have traits that personally affect someone in a negative way.

But here’s the thing about that... Claude and I have similar experiences with race. He’s still a prince, and I’m still someone who’s never seen above the poverty line in terms of income. He’s never had to live off a box of Whoppers he happened to find under his bed for three days to hold off until the food stamps come in because there’s just no food and no money to get any food. And on the flip side, I’ve never had people try to kill me just cuz I’m mixed. I’ve never felt the pressure of having to lead thousands of people to safety or have them die, directly due to my inability to lead them well enough. We still have extremely different lives and I can acknowledge those differences when looking into his character, regardless of whatever connection I may have with him otherwise, and that’s where these people fail in terms of critically consuming 3H as a piece of media.

These people - understandably, to an extent - look at Rhea, this devout religious woman who heads a major religious institution, and they automatically connect the language she uses as a devout religious person to the negative experiences they personally had with religion... without acknowledging the differences between the two. They see Rhea and they don’t see a bisexual who surrounds herself with and gives shelter to former criminals, foreigners, and people in need of a home while asking for little in return - they see their local pastor, or some other religious leader/person, who’ve done them wrong, and thus Rhea hates gay people, she hates POC, she’s a zealot and unreasonable and she’s this terrible person with no redeeming qualities. And this isn’t me arm-chair psychology-ing these people - they poke fun at themselves about how much they let their personal experiences cloud their judgement of the game and its characters with bingo cards for liking Edelgard having “raised with religion” be one of the slots and things like that. 

And really, why else would “religious institution led by white-presenting race of people” be automatically turned into “racist, homophobic, misogynistic, and violent to any who aren’t their religion” when 1) one of the main characters - the one calling Rhea racist - himself eventually says that racial diversity fits well and snug in the Seiros faith, 2) not only is the leader and founder of the religion a bisexual woman, but no one says anything about having their love be confined to one specific gender anywhere, with heavily coded LGBT relationships like Shamir+Catherine and Dorothea+Petra being just as LGBT coded in SS - where Rhea can potentially come back as archbishop - as anywhere else - hell, when one of the most devout followers of Rhea clearly is romantically interested in her and faces no repercussions or consequences for openly being so despite being female herself, and 3) the Church only ever uses violence when either called from the outside for help or forced to when outside forces try to attack them? Why are we hearing all of these awful things about the Church when it sometimes is never even implied? 

It’s in large part due to religion being such a sensitive part of people’s lives that they are unable to disconnect their personal experiences with religion with the fictional religion the media they’re interacting with provides them. Rhea, as a devout religious leader, especially with how genuinely morally gray she is, was never going to land well over here in the west, double especially to an audience of people that very clearly are already inclined to ignore pieces of the game’s story, lore, plot, and character interactions to fit their own preferred version of what’s happening. Triple fuckin’ wombo-combo especially since the game itself fails to do Rhea any favors until the literal last second of two out of four routes and only shove in her directly admitting she was wrong in her actions in the hardest support chain to build up in the entire game, and even then only at the last part of it. Poor girly didn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell

[ashesandhalefire]

would love to hear your complicated feelings on the michael/sanders scene in context!

okay so this is messy because my thoughts are still a little all over the place, but the issues i had were specifically with the new power reveal, and they were basically 1) the way they've handled the pod squad gaining new abilities, and 2) the decision to give michael in particular this ability and backstory

i wish the reasoning was more nuanced and meaningful but a lot of it is just "i don't vibe with this" and "i think it's dumb" lmao

so i'm starting to get less and less impressed with how they're rolling out this "aliens can have more than one skill" idea. sometimes the concept comes across as Very Sexy but the execution less so. i wanted to actually see them learning these new skills. i wanted to see them tutoring each other and practicing and doing stuff wrong and getting frustrated and feeling weird trying to learn powers that are different from the ones that have been a part of them for their whole lives. but isobel's telekinesis was really the only new skill that got any screen time, and i think michael was only sort of grudgingly there for one scene of it. healing hasn't been mentioned (to my recollection?), and mindscape practice has been mostly off-screen and it seemed more about deflection in case they were pulled into jones's mindscape and less about learning to influence people. and now it's starting to feel like we're just sort of rolling out new full-fledged abilities left and right. like, there are really only three or so, but it feels like oprah is behind the scenes going YOU GET A POWER AND YOU GET A POWER and doesn't feel as organic as i'd like it to feel. and at least reading auras and telepathy have mindscape vibes and feel like natural extensions of that power. but why is firebending now a whole new subset of powers? what are the limits of these alien abilities? how many more undiscovered powers are there? and that's not even mentioning the proficiency with swords. that feels like a decently unique kind of weapon to fight with, but it doesn't require any practice. we just dig that sucker up and the spirit of mom says "fuck 'em up, girlie." who cares if jones has been fighting with it for decades (centuries? i'm unclear on the length of this guy's life lol). he's not good enough to beat a really motivated novice. anyway! now we're saying that michael has secretly been able to jump into heads and control people for ten years but he doesn't use the power because he's terrified that it makes him evil and his siblings will be disgusted with him. and despite the fact that he hasn't practiced this power in ten years, a large part of the "beat the bad guy" plan hinges on his being able to overpower jones's control of the sheriff, meaning that the incident at eighteen isn't being looked at as a fluke when a new power manifests. we're just assuming michael has this fully developed mind control ability lying dormant in his brain. we lay out that michael did this thing, redefined his whole life by this new trauma, and, after a quick pep talk with his pseudo-dad, has processed his fears of his inherent evil enough to confess to his siblings and subject himself to using the power. all in like six minutes of screen time. and his siblings are entirely unaffected by this. they're not like... what??? you lied about a secret power for years??? they're just like [PSA voice, mentor putting a hand on mentee's shoulder] you could never be bad, michael. we love you. and then he DOESN'T EVEN DO IT. he just hops into the mindscape like anyone else could've done and says "pls don't shoot my friends :(" and the sheriff says okay and stops "letting" jones control her. why was this a good way to roll out this new power??? so the whole point of the reveal that michael has this mind control power apparently didn't even have anything to do with the sheriff subplot because he didn't actually use this power to resolve that problem. for now - until it comes back again, which based on some of the other subplots this season is not a guarantee - it was just to heap more trauma on his shoulders and legitimize this "woe is me, i'm a horrible monster!!" yarn they keep trying to spin without actually showing him do anything Truly Bad or Mildly Morally Gray. the sanders conversation is a rehashing of the alex convo from earlier where someone has to insist to michael that his genetics don't make him inherently evil. and the alex one was more effective for me because it was in the immediate aftermath of this massive revelation about who his father was AND michael

thought he was about to get murdered. he was spinning out. but having it happen again like eight episodes later - after michael still hasn't actually done anything to lend some legitimacy to his fears that his bloodline is Unavoidably Evil - doesn't have the same emotional impact. the worst things michael has ever done with his powers were shown back in the first half of s1, and he's be almost entirely reformed since then. so to set up whatever michael/jones showdown must be coming our way, we get the introduction of this ability that michael has never even so much as hinted at having before, and we get the reveal that it has colored how he looks at himself since he was eighteen. what. michael saying that his religious extremist family tried to perform an exorcism on him and couldn't and dallas inferring that he started to believe he was the demon was a good exchange. we already knew about that incident, but michael played it off as no big deal during 1x06. the new conversation helps him to relate to dallas, finds them some common ground, establishes trust, and makes the true emotional depth of what happened to michael explicit. having michael redefine all of his emotional struggles for the last ten years through the lens of "actually i found out that i have the same ability as the alien that possessed my sister and made her kill three girls in front of me, and it has made me view myself as fundamentally evil since that day" is such a bad rewrite of his history. was the history of horribly abusive foster homes insufficient in explaining michael's self-worth issues? was being the victim of a hate crime not enough trauma? was the witnessing and covering up of two separate murders that derailed his entire academic future not enough to make michael question his own goodness or value? why would it be necessary to add this mind control element to really make him feel bad about stuff?

and if ANYONE was going to get a story that dealt with struggles with consent and mental control, why was it not isobel?? why was it not that holding the turquoise enhanced her abilities and enabled her to control people, and she was TERRIFIED of that because of noah?? her consent was violated horribly, and she has struggled horribly with respecting the consent of others. this needed to be her ability to develop and deal with! giving it to michael fully developed also feels like a very handwavey, last minute choice. if this was planned from the beginning, why is this the first that the audience has heard about it? he says he never mentioned it because of isobel, which explains why isobel and max don't know about it. but why doesn't the audience know about it? in s1, michael is adamant that liz leave town. if isobel couldn't get her to go, why didn't michael sneak off and make her leave? why didn't he force her to forget (if that's within the purview of the power)? sure, he doesn't like having this power. but he's also more than willing to sacrifice himself for his siblings. wouldn't a little unethical behavior be worth saving them from experimentation? also if michael has been able to force people to do things all along, where was that energy when alex got kidnapped? why is torturing flint in a basement less inherently evil than just compelling him to tell the truth or compelling helena to let alex and charlie go? i know not everything can be planned from the beginning. but there was no reason this power had to be written like this. it didn't have to be something michael knew he had. but they chose to insert it into his history, and i feel like that was a bad call. - positives about the scene dad!sanders supremacy michael needs a dad figure who's like "you're a good person, you dumbass" and straight up LAUGHS at his assertion that he's evil.

[fairplayforwomen]

I am a transgender woman.

I was born a girl.

Lucky for me I was born a girl whose parents understood pretty much that what kids generally want to do is wear wellies, and shorts or dungarees, and involve themselves in complicated experiments and construction work at the end of the garden.

Unlucky for me that tricky incidents like bridesmaidship and weird uncles happened sometimes. Unlucky that the primary school I went to had a line down the middle with girlie games on our side, and boyish games on theirs and, when it was time for sport, the boys got to wear shorts (which I wore when I wasn’t doing school sports) and the girls had to wear silly little wraparound skirts which, in any kind of athletic behaviour or windy weather, could be termed flaparound, un-wraparound skirts.

It got rather more awful.

We found the world densely peopled with men telling us it was the permissive age

That continued to be the case at secondary school, although it got rather more awful when we were all trying to work out how to deal with first periods.

This was the early seventies, the ‘permissive era’, the heyday of Jimmy Savile, and if you weren’t there to experience it, let me tell you he didn’t stand out as particularly unusual back then. As we turned from girls into young women, we found the world densely peopled with men telling us it was the permissive age, that we could do this, and this, and that, and telling us in ominous detail what was wrong with us if we refused to do this, this and that.

More members of my family were to some extent autistic than weren’t.

I knew as autistic people generally do, it wasn’t me. I was called a tomboy and a rebel

Looking back from the age of about forty, looking carefully with the help of my daughter, who was at the time learning to deal with a child with quite pronounced autistic traits, I finally understood that more members of my family were to some extent autistic than weren’t. I’d never realised because I’d been given to understand that autistic people don’t notice or even don’t have emotional reactions, that they miss subtle signals, don’t do empathy – whereas I had always struggled to find my place in what seemed to me a maelstrom of human emotions, actions and reactions.

I could see precisely what people were trying to be, and trying to get me to be, I just knew – as autistic people generally do, that it just wasn’t me. I was called a tomboy and a rebel and all the rest of it.

Sexual power games gave me about as much freedom as a whip gives a dominatrix.

No amount of whip-waving will win you a dollar on the price

I didn’t want to be a bloody rebel. I just wanted to find a place I could relax.

I did try out all the girlie stuff, including the sexual power games, briefly, as a teenager. I looked right – I was tall and willowy at a time when tall and willowy was fashionable but what I discovered was that the ways and wiles of the kind of creature I was supposed to be gave me about as much power and freedom as a whip gives a paid dominatrix. As one famous whore once put it, no amount of whip-waving will win you a dollar on the price.

I rejected that along with everything else.

I had to settle for being a gender-rebel. I had a go at being a lesbian

I rejected that along with the idea of being religious, of being academic, of being sporty, of everything else I most desperately tried and then put down.

I had to settle for being a ‘rebel’ as it seemed to be what I was seen as whatever I did. And that included being a gender-rebel. Seventies girls were allowed to be sexily boyish – but not to be in any way mannish.

I had a go at being lesbian and gave a decent woman a hard time discovering I wasn’t much good at that either. In adulthood, I failed to hold down job after job. It was only really at menopause that I learned how to put down all the gender crap and be a person.

I do what I like now. I’ve even gone back to experiments in engineering.

I went to a girls’ school, and so engineering never got mentioned

I do what I like now, which mostly entails doing what men do because it’s easier, cheaper and more practical. Trouble is, career and financial failures all down the line mean I don’t have the kind of income a man of my socio-economic background might expect to have. That’s because I’m not a man. I’m a woman.

I never became an engineer for one thing – it was what I used to do in the garden when I was a kid but I went to a girls’ school, and so engineering never got mentioned. I didn’t even know it was a thing.

Now, for the first time in my life, I am learning how to be me. I’ve even gone back to experiments in engineering at the end of the garden.

Everyone else had decided a woman was. I know what a woman is now, and I love it.

I never really was a woman by gender. Few women are. It’s a social construct

The key was coming to understand that the only reason being a bit autistic was ever a serious problem for me (social embarrassment, the noises in the walls, occasional panic attacks due to over-stimulation – these aren’t serious problems, I got the hang of them over the years) the only serious problem I ever had was what everyone else had decided a woman was. I know what a woman is now, and I love it.

I love my daughter, I love having grandchildren, I love that I’ve learned to be friends with women in the way that women are, I love my sewing machine and knitting needles as much as I love my shovel and wheel barrow – but now, as an older woman, I no longer get into trouble for rejecting my gender – all the claptrap that younger women are supposed to partake of, all the claptrap I never could relate to. I never really was a woman by gender. Few women are. It’s a social construct that many struggle to manage.

As an older woman, I no longer get into trouble for rejecting my gender.

Women tiptoe into gender-divergent after menopause, when they will get less flack

The answer I found was to be a gender-divergent, or gender-critical, or transgender woman. Many women are. A large minority, possibly even a majority, tiptoe into that territory after menopause, when they will get less flack for it.

It’s a terrible and dangerous thing to get sex & gender mixed up. I understand.

I worry that many autistic youngsters are being steered down the road of ‘sex-change’

It’s a terrible and a dangerous thing to get sex and gender mixed up, especially if you take steps as a result that aren’t easily reversed. I understand that, I really do. I worry myself silly now that many autistic youngsters are being steered down the road of a medical/surgical ‘sex-change’ long before they have a chance to learn what I learned. What most of them need is a ‘gender change’. What surgeons do would not have worked for me, it will not work for many.

When my mum died, as distressed and out-of-kilter with the world as she’d almost always been, I coasted for a year in a kind of shock, then sank into the blackest depression I’ve ever known. How much of her plight was my fault for being all wrong? Was my life now an irreversible ruin? How could I ever feel love again, if I did not love what I was? … I do understand how all this can seem impossible to face and to deal with.

Women’s spaces, women’s bursaries, women’s groups, sex-specific record-keeping:

These things are necessary to help women be women without injury

But depression is, if you’re lucky and spot the signs, a dark road back into the light. Another thing I understand, now I’ve sorted out who I am, is that women’s spaces, women’s bursaries, women’s groups and sex-specific record-keeping, all the things that help women deal with the consequences of being female, of being the child-bearers and usually the carers, and all the rest of it – all these things are necessary to help women be women without injury.

The women’s movement needs to explain that you can change your gender.

We understand precisely the traumas and dramas of trying to change your gender

One of the things the women’s movement needs to do now is define anew and preserve their spaces and practices. Some of those facilities may be amenable to gender-divergent men. We need to state publicly and clearly which ones are, which ones are not and, in each case, why.

Another thing the women’s movement needs to do is explain to the world that you can change your gender (and that feminists have been saying that, and doing that, for years), we understand precisely the traumas and dramas of trying to change your gender and be accepted by society.

We understand that it took men in general a lot longer to get their heads round it – but many did, via glam-rock in the ’70s, and the ‘gender-bending’ of the ’80s and ’90s.

Women know about changing gender. We also know you can’t change your sex.

We need to support gender-divergent women, and men need to do some serious work

Oh yes, we know about changing gender – but we also know you can’t change your chromosomes, and your chromosomes determine your sex. Instead, I suggest women need to give better support to gender-divergent women, and men need to do some serious work on finding out what men need, especially what gender-divergent men need, in order to live without injury.

  ©Kay Green October 2017

Being gender-divergent I am a transgender woman. I was born a girl. Lucky for me I was born a girl whose parents understood pretty much that what kids generally want to do is wear wellies, and shorts or dungarees, and involve themselves in complicated experiments and construction work at the end of the garden.