#also I think Matt said it's just 5 points not all of them lmao

[ladykeyleth]

It does have this fancy thing, though. You get a little bit of healing in the fit of a battle. That Wither and Bloom thing that I've been doing where I kill the grass? If you do that, you can get all your sorcerer points back. Not that you know what a sorcerer point is, but…

[onyxisnotuniqueenough]

About Karen Page

so. i know this weird little argument should've ended long ago. but i'm in the process of rewatching the defenders saga and i'm actually in the middle of s2 of Daredevil....AND YES I WANNA WRITE A WHOLE TUMBLR POST ABOUT KAREN OK

but first, i wanted to give a little extra info or context or whatever i'm supposed to call it

here are the links to the posts relevant here

0 (me)

1 (me)

2 (me)

3 (nyxxhecate)

4 (nyxxhecate)

5 (nyxxhecate)

also the comments count too. look at whatever nyxxhecate commented on these posts

I unblocked nyxxhecate since i first blocked them, out of honest curiosity. right before i'm writing this actually.

I just wanted to see if they've commented anything else since then or if they made posts on their own about their opinions on Daredevil. Three of the links above are their posts, and idk if tumblr notifies for that but I still don't want to @ them.

I'm not interested in debating with them or starting another argument, and couldn't care less of they see this or not. I am not writing to this person like i was in my other posts, nor am i answering to their comments or whatever points they brought up in their reblogs.

there is ONE thing they said that rang with me though :

"knock your fucking self off that pedestal you're trying to put yourself in. Imagine the level of delusion one must have to think they're intelligent because, *checks notes* they typed in word salad to defend why they like two atrocious TV characters LMAO. You're on Tumblr not the fucking Congress, get a grip IJBOL"

I'm gonna be honest here - I DO enjoy typing word salad. I enjoy writing. I enjoy writing essays. I enjoy trying to use exact words to say what i want to say.

English is my second language, technically, yes, but I have been speaking it for more then ten years, and i'm doing my best to improve because i'm hoping that i'll get to work in english some day. My accent isn't perfect but I'm confident in my spelling and writing and everything.

I've been raised in french, I've done primary, middle and high school in french, and my uni is also french-speaking. I write everything in french all of the time. But since i've taught myself to think in english first sometimes, and none of my irl friends or family like Daredevil or Breaking Bad or anything i like in general - I don't get many chances to argue irl.

So yes, I use Tumblr as an outlet to type as much as I want, even if that means talking to a wall, but at least i get to talk about (IN LENGTH) things i love - and open some kind of discussion (although i'm not blind, i know that rarely anyone replies or anything, but that will hopefully come in time)

---

Now that that's said - let's get to the actual main course :

Karen Page !

As I've said in the beginning i am in the middle of s2 of DD, just finished EP6 : Regrets Only to be precise. I've already got a few things to say.

but first : I'll only talk about her in S1 and S2 and Defenders - because believe it or not, as much as I love Daredevil I AM SORRY but I HAVE NOT YET WATCHED SEASON 3. i miraculously haven't been spoiled about much, all I know is that Matt wakes up in church after his "death", boxes there, there's some kind of detective that seems important and he fights with Fisk again in his black outfit. THAT'S ALL I KNOW AND LET'S KEEP IT THAT WAY.

So.

what do i, Onyx LastName, think of Karen's character.

On my first watch, I didn't like her at all.

Not because she was a "hypocrite"or whatever everyone else is spewing but because I had this huge crush on Matt and was jealous of her.

I'll admit, that's all that my judgement was based on. I thought I didn't like her chemistry with Matt, the way that it made the Nelson-Murdock-Page trio awkward, and how it left Foggy on the sidelines. I like him. I related to him. He was suffering of Sidekick syndrome, with Matt getting powers, getting to be the hero, getting all the ladies, etc etc. I spent my whole life and I'm still actually spending it feeling like I have Sidekick Syndrome myself. If you also feel like you got that you'll know what I mean.

"So Foggy has a special place in your heart. Boohoo. what does that have to do with anything?" You've read this far and you're JUST NOW running out of patience??

Since that initial watch, and after watching countless videos, reading countless fanfics, and honestly my taste just having changed - my perspective of Matt shifted, and so has my opinion on Karen.

I don't think i'm blinded by my attration to Matt anymore, even if he still holds a special place in my heart.

But unfortunately, I still have some issues with Karen's character.

I don't think I've ever really talked about it on here, except maybe with a friend or two in dms, but it's true that I don't really like her. Or how was she was written. This post is not structured or outlined, it's a stream of consciousness...so let's hope i get the answer to that by the end of it.

Now i'm nowhere near agreeing with ANY of what nyxxhecate said, but knowing I wanted to have a definitive opinion of her and make a post about it maybe, I've been looking at her closely during my rewatch - and there are some things I've missed.

So, first, to correct my previous post,

Why is Karen attracted to Matt in the first place?

I made my post about the Foggy and Karen thing before rewatching and refreshing my memory of the ACTUAL EVENTS. I just wrote that in passing after seeing a reaction of that "date" at Mrs. Cardenas.

Here is an updated take :

I think Karen fell for Matt when she first lied to him about keeping the Union Allied file.

You just lived through an intense traumatic experience. You find yourself with a bloody knife in your hand next to the lifeless body of someone you knew and found really nice. Someone tries to hang you in your prison cell at night to make it look like you killed yourself, and no one believes you.

until Nelson and Murdock come in. You're not sure about their intentions at first but they seem kind and most importantly they believe you and are willing to defend you. They're giving you a chance. Not good samaritans but literal guardian angels.

While Foggy is hesitant at first, Matt "I believe you Miss Page"s you right off the bat. (everything's a verb if you squint hard enough)

Matt invites you to his place and assures he'll protect you.

Matt opens up about his blindness and is willing to be vulnerable in front of you.

Matt gives up his silk-sheeted bed to make sure you're comfortable.

All of that when you're vulnerable and Matt is tall and handsome and has this charming smile and ugh. How not to fall for him ? I mean you're wearing his shirt and the beautiful pink lighting in his living room is making everything all romantic. Also if you've noticed the billboard outside his window is for "Xining Airways", company that uses CHERRY BLOSSOM imagery in their advertisement. COME ON.

But then you get to talking about the case again - I mean the reason you're here in the first place - and he asks you an important question.

Did you keep the file?

You lie and say you didn't, feeling your heart beating faster. You're not even sure that sounded convincing at all. And you see the cogs turning in his head, and even if he let you off the hook, you know deep down he didn't really believe it. May seem like me extrapolating here but it IS obvious that he doesn't believe her. But as long as he's not pushing further, that doesn't change much for Karen anyway.

I think that his expression reads that he's seeing right through her.

He believed her when no one else would the first time - but seemingly for no reason.

Matt just KNEW you didn't do it. He saw right through you. You almost feel like he knows what you're thinking.

And again, that kind of connection that you're feeling, in an especially emotionally vulnerable state - plants the seed for love. EASILY.

Any of their awkward flirting before they started dating i am willing to close an eye on.

AFTER THAT? that's just cruel to Foggy and unprofessional and weird in general. Why the HELL are you holding hands in front of whatever DA or cop you just talked to to walk in Frank's hospital room?

Why are you kissing in front of Foggy???

I can understand the thing at Josie's but when you're in the middle of dealing with an extremely important case and Elektra's driver shows up out of nowhere and you're abandoning your partner in a situation that you created and ugh. ew. It's all so weird.

I don't like Karen and Matt dating any more than I did on the first watch but I don't see it through jealousy-tinted glasses and more for what it actually is. misplaced.

Season 2 is the least favorite Daredevil season of anyone I've ever met or talked to and I completely agree that the structure is strange, even if I get what they wanted to do with juxtaposing

Daredevil/Elektra/Hand stuff

and

Matt/Karen/Punisher stuff.

This juxtaposition, while I kinda get the vision, just isn't working. The Hand is the worst plot I have ever seen in my life, and that applies to Defenders too, so that's one reason, but the fact that they tried to mix everything together at once just felt weird pacing wise - and they lost characterization on Matt, Foggy and Elektra's part. All three and their relationships with each other were written weird.

...

Let's get back on track.

Season 2, Karen spends her time investigating and defending Frank.

And that is what she's most criticized for : "protecting and defending frank's actions" and "condemning Matt's lying when she's lying herself."

Frank Castle is a difficult subject.

He is the subject of many debates, wether in the fandom or in the actual show. Is he a hero? Are his murders justifiable? Are Matt and Frank two sides of the same coin? What message is he sending to the audience? How should he be interpreted by his audience? Is Frank redeemable? Is he a glorification or a fetishization of everything that's wrong with the USA? and so on so forth bla bla bla

What matters HERE is what KAREN thinks of him.

Karen is a very determined and ambitious journalist, to say the least. She'd do anything to get to the truth. These qualities that seem very noble at first are also her main flaws. By putting the story first, she throws caution the wind and that very recklessness of hers is what kills Ben Urich, and what compels her to defend Frank so adamantly.

But there's a facet of her personality that I haven't seen being delved into or explained anywhere - her sometimes misplaced but very much there Savior complex, or White Knight syndrome.

She empathized and honestly liked Mrs. Cardenas (a cute old little guatemalan christian lady, who had no one). She wanted to help her. She felt that she was treated unfairly, that all the tenants were treated unfairly, and that was what prompted her to want to take down Fisk. Fisk was using, manipulating and stealing blind people who were already unfortunate. Fisk is lying to the public and hiding his true criminal activities. Savior Complex is activated, now Karen has to find a way to bring him down, even if that means putting her nose where it doesn't belong and provoking the death of Ben Urich.

Now let's look at the situation in S2.

She empathizes with Frank Castle (a man who's entire family got killed and now has no one). He has some kind of moral code that seems noble to her. She feels that he's being treated unfairly, that no one is taking his dead family into account, or what he's already done as a soldier. Frank is unapologetically admitting and sticking by his actions and his code. He doesn't want to hurt anyone that doesn't deserve, in his eyes, to die. Reyes is not upholding her side of the wit-pro deal (She used Grotto as bait, someone Karen already empathized with). Reyes was purposefully trying to get Frank the death penalty for her own gain (she had her eye on the mayor's office) and is hiding a shady past. Savior Complex is activated, now Karen has to find a way to prove that Frank's not all bad and to expose Reyes, even if that means putting her nose where it doesn't belong and overstepping boundaries when she's not a lawyer, and frankly doesn't deserve to get Ben's desk or his job.

When you finally pin down her behavioral pattern and why she acts how she acts, it's easier to understand.

So yes, I understand Karen. (In my opinion at least.)

What makes her who she is is that savior complex of hers, that MORAL code of her own. How she sees herself and what she thinks is her PURPOSE is how she justifies her mistakes, or the risks she takes, to herself. As means to an end.

She doesn't seem to doubt herself or question herself enough to see that her behavior, even if her goal is noble, is not always right.

Her believing that she acts as a savior to others is precisely what makes her a little self-centered.

And, because Matt has this problem too sometimes, she is an interesting character to compare to him.

But now, see, as i've spend a lot of time writing this, my own cogs are turning. I think I've identified what my problem is with Karen.

It's how she's framed. by the writers. by the show.

We see Matt's guilt but don't see hers.

We see his internal turmoil but not hers.

We see him doubt himself all the time and seek for answers in his faith or in people but not her.

If we got to see Karen doubt herself more, show more of her guilt over her killing Wesley, her causing the death of Urich, that would make for a much more likeable and relateable character.

When she argues with Matt or something, what she says makes it seems "hypocritical" of her not to hold herself to the same moral standards than she does others.

But I don't think seeing the flaws in others means you don't see your own. Again, if we had seen Karen questioning and doubting herself, and feeling guilty for what she's done (and not just crying or having ONE nightmare about it. Her trauma should have been more explored in general. from the beginning.) then we'd see that she is self-aware and recognizes her own mistakes and her continuing to feed into her savior complex is her way of finding closure. or trying to save herself from being completely consumed by her own guilt.

So yes. I don't like Karen, not because I don't like her, but be..cause...I wish... we'd seen more of her? or at least framed her differently?

I didn't think I'd reach that conclusion. I thought I'd actually find a real reason not to like HER.

But that's maïeutique for you i guess. or to put it differently, rubber-ducking, right? Isn't that programming lingo?

Also maybe i'm not completely over how Matt and Karen third-wheeled Foggy. or how Matt doesn't really fit with any of his on-screen love interests and how I wish they hadn't dated. but that's a story for another day.

Thank you for reading this far, if you're still here! Tell me your thoughts and opinions on Karen or my own way of explaining it :)

[emblazons]

That's a nice point about Matt Duffers, lol. But I sometimes feel like the show could not manage to deliver the message on the show. Most of the audience thinks Will was truly being childish and in the wrong for playing DnD in S3... and they still think that way after years. And of course, the audience is 'dumb' sometimes and they do not get the messages of the show and its narrative, but... it is also the case that the show could have done... better, so to say.

Honestly I think you make a fair point, though I personally don't agree with the idea that they "could have done it better" just because a lot of people don't understand what they were doing? Sure, I agree that there were maybe simpler or more straightfoward methods to get to where we are now, and I don't necessarily agree with all the Duffer's decisions, but...I certainly don't think they've done anything poorly…on top of the fact that the show isn’t even done.

I have talked about it here several times before, but: Stranger Things was and always has been a show for a specific audience (which The Duffers have repeatedly said, even walking into S5) rather than the behemoth household name moneymaker a lot of people see it as today, and a lot of the muddled interpretations of the show come from that expansion beyond its original bounds more than anything else. I think that, especially with the introduction of S4 when they “started showing their hand,” their direction for the story was clear to the audience it was meant to be—and while it is perhaps its a bit "pretentious" in a way to say so, the fact that ST is lost on people who it wasn’t designed for doesn't mean the Duffers did a weak job—it just means they aren’t the audience the show was written for.

With smaller shows (and even movies) that have more niche audiences and smaller viewerships (aka: people who know what to look for in the show), you don't see the same kind/level of criticism or audience dissonance ST gets—just like the audience for Clueless (1995) can appreciate things about it that people outside of its viewership might think was overwhelmingly foolish, same as the viewership for Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey is going to catch and appreciate things about it that are going to fly right over the heads of a fair number of people who watch it...despite both of those films being phenomenal examples of work for their specific audiences/genres.

There are people who don't like Jane Austen who know she's a master at what she did even if they don't understand it, and people who hate Stephen King books still know he's good at what he does (unless they're being critical for its own sake). To me, its much the same with The Duffers & Stranger Things—it makes sense to almost all of the nerdy, deeply steeped in movies and TV humans who watch the show, and most of us have realized they are on their way to making a clear point about how embracing your nerdiness is positive...even if most of the general audience hasn't gathered that yet.

Also, given the show isn't even finished yet, its jumping the gun a bit to say "you haven't delivered" on something that isn't yet complete? You can’t get 4/5 of the way through a book, see the lead up for the story, and then shut it before the dénouement…only to then say the author doesn’t know what they’re doing lmao.

Like. If The Duffers fuck this up I will be right there demanding justice for Will Byers, same as you. But I’m not gonna call Matt Duffer a liar or incompetent writer before his proverbial essay’s even finished just because someone who wasn’t the intended audience for ST doesn’t understand or see the deeper themes of the show ☠️ if it’s pretentious to say that then…I guess they have to mark me down LMAO.

Anyway. I hope that makes sense? And that you know I am not coming for you, but more the idea that the duffers are fucking up somehow because some people don’t understand them. But still, thanks for the ask!

[geddy-leesbian]

20 questions for fic authors

tagged by @courtofparrots

1. How many works do you have?

20

2. What is your Ao3 word count?

122,736

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Just Resident Evil rn, but I've written for Starcraft, MTG, Fire Emblem, pokemon, and X-Men. (Some of them aren't things I've bothered putting on ao3, and I know I had one X-Men fic on AO3 at one point but I deleted for reasons I can't remember tbh.)

(Also for the rest of these questions I'm just going to focus on my RE fics since my others are all ancient)

4. What are your top 5 fics by Kudos?

1. How Do You Talk To Girls?

2. oh my god, it's my life, what am I doing kicking at the foundation?

3. Something A Little More Plain

4. Digital Man//Open Secrets

5. The Analog Kid

5. Do you respond to comments?

I try to, but I'm not always great at it. I 100% do read and appreciate all of them, brain machine is just bad at responding

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

a long-awaited treasure at the end of my cruel fate

(Obviously)

7. What is the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

well it's not posted, but the series that starts with sum of my confession will have the happiest ending

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not yet (I would welcome it tho because spite motivates me. I came up with my entire "Luis was groomed by Umbrella and went to a special Umbrella boarding school" headcanon because someone said the timeline for Luis is LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE and THERE WAS ABSOLUTELY NO WAY he could believably be 28 in RE4 and I was mad and wiki deep dived for other RE child prodigal and found out they had a whole ass sketchy boarding school for child prodigies they poached)

9. Do you write smut? If so, which kind?

I try, but I always feel so cringe about it and don't post it so ://

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest crossover you’ve ever written?

Not seriously

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

No

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

No

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

back when I was in middle school on quotev lmao

14. What’s your all-time favourite ship?

For "all-time" I'm going to have to be niche and say Valerian Mengsk/Matt Horner because I have shipped those two the longest/most consistently out of everything I've ever shipped

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

oh god so many. mostly the second chapter of my "first" (technically it was my second and another was first but I deleted it for Reasons) Serrennedy fic. The draft just got too messy and there's so much that I've just given up on it

16. What are your writing strengths?

I'd say dialogue!

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Everything except dialogue lmao, but especially action

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I'm not brave enough to

19. First fandom you wrote for?

I was literally writing pokemon fanfic in first grade. any time we had a creative writing assignment where it was possible I would write a pokemon story.

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

Oh god that's a tough one. Generally whatever I'm working on the most is my favorite, so I'd say Is Any Killer Worth More Than His Crime? but that feels like a cop out so,,,, Digital Man is really high up there, but I feel like the fact the fic that comes before it in the series (New World Man) is 100% my least favorite and my worst fic drags Digital Man down by association. So I think the number one spot should go to oh my god… instead.

as usual anyone who wants to do it can say I tagged them :3

[mithrilwren]

Fanfic ask game for procrastinating on writing, which as of this week is actually accurate, since I’m finally writing again! (or, more specifically, editing what I wrote two months ago so I can get back to writing.)

Tagged by @essektheylyss! Thank you, this is exactly the kind of activity my brain needed tonight.

1) How many works do you have on AO3?

72! I was hovering at 69 for quite a while, sad to break the streak haha

2) What’s your total AO3 word count?

~550K, which is somehow both more and less than what I expected

3) How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

Many, lmao. According to my Ao3 (omitting any blanket tags) I’ve got 22 there, plus at least two more over on ff.net from back in the day, and probably a couple more just on Tumblr. Most of them I’ve only written one fic for, though. I think the only fandoms where I’ve written more than one are Critical Role (35), Supernatural (15), Haikyuu!! (3), The Exorcist (2), Dimension 20 (2), and Yu-Gi-Oh! (2)

4) What are your top five fics by kudos?

Pick a Number, Any Number

Surprisingly, my number one is NOT a Critical Role fic, nor is it even one of my longer multi-chapters! It’s actually a one-shot I wrote for Haikyuu!! back in the day that took off far beyond what I expected. I wrote it for DaiSuga week, which was a ship I (to be completely honest) wasn’t even terribly invested in, but I had a fun idea and people seemed to like it! (It’s also much fluffier than what I usually write, which might be part of its broader appeal ;))

A Winter’s Ball

Unsurprisingly, the next four are all CR ;). This one was a M9 x VM crossover that I primarily wrote between the hours of 3-8am over the course of two insomnia-wracked nights and honestly, I think it shows in its uncharacteristically unstructured format (compared to my typical style, which tends to favour shorter scenes with very intentionally-placed breaks between, as opposed to scenes that flow into each other without pause). That’s not to say I think it’s a bad thing! The story, which follows Beau as she drifts through a party in Whitestone and observes the interactions between the various guests, actually flows better without that kind of interruption. This was also my first Beaujester piece. I started writing it right before Beau’s confession aired, and published it the week after, which definitely pushed me to make what had been only subtextual in the first half of my draft into the emotional lynchpin of the story.

Only the Nightingale Sings

I’m really glad this one still ranks as high as it does, because this story is absolutely my pride and joy. At one time (though I’m not sure that’s true anymore) it was the longest gen fic in the fandom, which is pretty cool! Plot-heavy, twist-heavy, angst-heavy, with seven points of view to follow and multiple interwoven storylines, it was a beast of a thing to write, and took almost exactly a year to finish, but the long process was oh-so worth it. Literally nothing makes me happier today than seeing a new comment or kudos on this story.

Closer Still

One of my earliest shadowgast fics, this one asks the question “how can you make the ‘stuck in an elevator trope’ fantasy?” The answer is, as always, demiplanes. This fic, perhaps more than any of my other shadowgast fics, is interesting to revisit, because it was written before the ep 97 reveal, but literally everything Essek does in it would suggest otherwise. It reads like I already knew he was a spy working with Trent, and yet I was firmly in the “Essek is NOT the spy” camp at the time. Gotta chalk that up to Matt telegraphing his growing guilt into the preceding episodes - even if I couldn’t see it, it was clearly there.

your dust from mine

My other novel-length CR multichapter, this fic brought me so much joy in the otherwise bleak summer of 2020. Most of my best memories of those four months come from working on this story. A Fjorclay adaption of The Goose Girl (my favourite fairytale) this story is about healing, growth, and figuring out what happiness means to you. While I know most people don’t read stories for this pairing anymore, for obvious reasons, I still cherish your dust from mine for how much of my heart I poured into it, and I look back on it with a huge amount of fondness.

5) Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

I do my absolute best to respond to every comment someone leaves on a story of mine, even if it occasionally takes a month or two. Replying to comments is one of my favourite parts of the fic-writing process - it gives me a chance to revisit peoples’ kind words and (often, incredibly insightful) observations, and I hope it also shows how appreciative I am of each and every one. 

6) What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Though I write a lot of angst, I honestly tend more towards bittersweet endings than straight-up sadness. The only one I can really think of is What You Own - mind the tags if you follow the link, this is definitely one of the gnarlier things I’ve written for CR - whose ending is, admittedly, bleak. But this story so far removed from canon that I don’t think it’s the kind of angsty ending that lingers with you, as much as it packs a punch and then lets you go on your way.

7) Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you’ve written?

I tend to enjoy thinking about crossovers moreso than actually writing them. I’ve brainstormed a few, but none have ever made it much farther than the first page.

8) Have you ever received hate on a fic?

A few times! Not often, thankfully. Only one time in particular really sticks out to me, mostly for how it rocked my confidence in a way that I don’t think any comment could now, since I’ve had a few more years to build up faith in my own writing.

9) Do you write smut? If so what kind?

Very, very occasionally.

10) Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I hope not! 

11) Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope!

12) Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Oh man, back in the Glee days... yeah. Yeah, I have. Nothing that ever got published, though ;)

13) What’s your all time favourite ship?

Not sure I have one! Ships come and go with the seasons, and sometimes they’re best left in the era you found them.

14) What’s a WIP you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

The Shadowgast figure skating AU. It’s never going to happen, but I wish it had.

15) What are your writing strengths?

I would say probably structure, in terms of constructing narrative arcs and through-lines. I’m organized with my writing in a way that I am in few other areas of my life, haha. I’d also say my sense of place - I think I’m pretty good at constructing living, breathing settings and exploring how my characters interact affect/are affected by them.

16) What are your writing weaknesses?

I have a tendency to be wordy (which you might surmise from the length of this post, lol) and repeat myself, usually by going over emotional beats that don’t need the extra reinforcement. On the other hand, I tend to underexplain certain elements (particularly, important plot details in fic, and character motivation in original writing), which can lead to confusion.

A couple years ago I would have said dialogue, but I’ve put a lot of practice into it and I honestly think I’ve improved a lot, which is pretty cool!

17) What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I’ve never done it myself, and it’s not generally my favourite thing to read (like @essektheylyss said, it makes me hyper-aware that I’m reading words on a page, especially if I have to follow a footnote somewhere). That said, I’ve definitely also seen it used effectively, so I think it’s more down to whether it suits the particular story!

18) What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Yu-Gi-Oh!

19) What’s your favourite fic you’ve written?

As mentioned above, Only the Nightingale Sings.

[mattelektras]

Opinions on what MCU done to Doctor Stranger?

i think the casting is terrible, first off so i find it very hard to say anything nice. and i think they took a lot of what’s problematic and tropey from the comics and.. didn’t do anything to fix it? but that’s a whole other issue. as for like. strange as a character. he’s just not likeable lmao. i think benedict cumberskajsveudkeb makes every character he plays unlikable because he himself has an inherent superiority vibe and whilst comics strange DID start out as an arrogant douche, he learned?? whereas i don’t think mcu strange has. the entire lead up to him crashing his fancy car in his fancy suit just made him so fucking unrelatable. and like i said, there’s a certain element of that which is necessary to strange as a character but idk i think they tried to make it an understandable arrogance or whatever but just missed because very little in the mcu is ever actually ABOUT character.

he treats his love interest like actual shit the entire time, even after he’s had his big magic epiphany. not ONCE was there any chemistry or anything that makes you think there’s any real respect towards her. which is why the what if episode ppl were foaming at the mouth over a week ago or whenever was incredibly funny like. he goes evil because the woman he was horrible to dies??? she had a about 5 lines in the entire film, essentially didn’t matter at all to any of the characters and isn’t a character that’s recognisable as an iconic staple of the franchise? she’s not mary jane or anyone memorable so it’s just very funny that they’re trying to use her death to make this bitch seem even slightly likeable as a character. CLASSIQUE comics girlfriend dying man cries about it situation. he deserved everything bad that happened to him because it was the consequences of his own bullshit so. unfortunately i will not be sympathising

also the progression in his abilities are genuinely laughable like. predictable because dr strange is mighty whitey trope central second only to iron fist but even looking past that. the first time i ever saw him in a movie was in endgame because i didn’t watch dr strange so with his powers i was just like ok i guess he did a lot of work n there was a lot of development in his solo? n then one day it just happened to be on in the background on like. a tv channel w commercial breaks n he just??? doesn’t do shit?????????? one day he’s unshaven and shaking when doing a portal and the next he’s just throwin them around like it’s aperture laboratories??? get outta here w that shit. he’s already an incredibly rich, pretentious, arrogant man and then without changing any of that he can now do magic?? not once was there ever any change in how he thinks of other people as lesser than him or as pawns to further his medical career etc, never did he learn that he’s not all powerful or that there are repercussions to your actions. there’s no GROWTH which makes an initially arrogant character a likeable one. i don’t care for mcu tony stark but i see why people do. he IS likeable, he HAS grown and learned and i see his motivations for wanting to be iron man and a superhero, w strange there just isn’t any of that. he doesn’t particularly like helping people or doing good? or care about the world around him? why would he want to be there on a superhero team???? he doesn’t even have the good sense of being FUNNY in that 12 y/o boy just learned what boobs are mcu humour kind of way. he gets rewarded along the way w the sanctum, the eye of agamotto and the cloak and for doing WHAT exactly

comics strange was a dick, this is a fact but there’s layers to it?? his girlfriend died and he couldn’t help her when he was in med school which soured his outlook on medicine as a whole because he took it as being his fault, same with his parents. so like, already, there’s some kind of a reason for him being the way he is other than. smart rich fancy man thinks he’s better than people because he’s smart fancy and rich

he ended up at the ancient one as a selfish move to fix his hands and wasn’t having any of the mystic shit but one day he saw mordo doing some shady shit and mordo did some shady shit to him magically speaking and thought hm don’t like that and WANTED TO HELPPPPP AND STOP HIM!!! so he stuck around and eventually realised the best way to do that would be via magic and such a big part of him learning that was that he wanted to do so for unselfish reasons. and it took YEARS. he travelled and built relationships with other sorcerers and did good w them and then eventually the avengers. and the sanctum and sorcerer supreme thing was given to him because he earned it and he only ever actually set out to be a mystical consultant, he CHOSE to do the superhero thing off of his own back. it’s just… leagues apart. he’s unrecognisable. even the friendship with wong isn’t there. they’re like mystical matt and foggy but in the mcu i don’t even get friends vibes from them. strange wants a servant and wong tolerates him. where is the heterosexually gay married aura of it all

ANYWAY. i’ve read a fair bit of dr strange stuff and literally not one thing that i like about it was in any second of that movie or at any point since. the commercial breaks were the best bit. capitalism saved me. if it wasn’t an mcu movie people would have criticised it SO much but mouse free pass i guess

[wingkink]

ok instead of making a post every 20 minutes i’m just going to collate into one post of just like. stuff i’d forgotten about from this arc now i’m actually rewatching it. there’s a cut because this ended up fucking Long

the “when would a testicular advantage come into play?” “at gilmore’s” conversation got me

liam at the start of episode 25 just saying completely out of character “i dunno they’re pretty hot” while everyone is berating him for getting into a stupid situation is literally so much funnier than him saying “gosh you guys are good looking” later

i remembered vex rolling a nat20 on her attack “inspired by my brother” but i had forgotten that she rolled TWO in a row, after screaming out for him. and that after vax’s monologue when he went unconscious she felt a cold creeping sensation from where she was.

also vex being the first person to deal damage to delilah in the entire campaign. and then being the last nearly 90 episodes and 2 years later. it’s something idk what yet

percy screaming out “SYLAS” before he shoots him is Something my god

i’ve seen this pointed out before but the fact that percy asks the carriage driver about every one of his family members EXCEPT cassandra. insane

vax being dramatic abt the fact he got bitten and then they go to a temple and they’re like you’re fine nothing happened. this is why i think he deserved to become a vampire he already had the theatrics going and for what

got up to “i love you grog” “no-one kills you but me” 🥺

damn i forgot that ‘your soul is forfeit’ was literally yelled at just like. a random dude. a side villain. literally not even briarwood related at all percy was just in a bad mood

GOD i forgot about sam basically verbatim quoting Assassins and i still to this day do not know if it’s a really funny coincidence or he meant to make a joke (like if anyone is gonna know obscure Broadway it’s sam surely) but it still made me go . yo what the fuck

Liam’s “Keep Calm and Bite Me” shirt. Ok King

I still love Vex getting offended that Scanlan would ask her age and then Vax immediately giving his age. Cain instinct

Grog and Percy are basically torturing this poor dude and ripped his tongue out to send a message can I get a fucking uhhhhh alignment change. Mfer I've played in evil parties that didn't act like that 😭 Grog is CN but Taliesin said Percy was NG - like FUCK he is

LMAO I forgot how testy Vex was towards Vaxleth at this point, Vax and Keyleth were going to take watch and Vex stayed awake as well so they wouldn't be alone

why are VM surprised that Tyleri is a vampire when Desmond literally told them like 5 episodes ago that Sylas had him killed. Like that’s a conversation that happened, and Matt reminded them “you recognise the name because Desmond told you about him”.

before they go into the castle and vax is like "percy we're like family, but just know that if you hurt my sister, even inadvertently-" and he goes "i would expect nothing less". ooooh god how is the foreshadowing so on point.

how did I forget about the Seeming antics. them all being percy and cass is nearly as good if not better than the sextuplets incident

"what's the marching order?" "We go percy, cassandra, percy, percy, cassandra, percy, cassandra" took me out

I FORGOT ABOUT VAX SETTING OFF THE ACID TRAP LMAOOOO we love a 0 impulse King so much. I adore this stupid bitch.

Vax rolling a Nat 20 to jump off the wall of the ziggurat towards Vex when she goes down. I feel like that's never mentioned when people talk abt the 'Nat 20 of love' stuff

I forgot how much they just fucking. play with Delilah's body. they do the same to her TWICE in the final arc as well like they cannot let this woman rest.

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

every time i read an article where the writers call young adults “kidults” because they have to ask their parents for help with getting a home loan or a car loan or because they’re still living at home well into their 20s or into their early 30s or whatever; i roll my eyes and automatically devalue their opinion in the article as holding any weight.

like mate, maybe if the property market wasn’t so fucked here in australia that an extremely average and normal house can go for close to $1millon or over $1million in some areas (mostly in sydney and melbourne but it’s also happening down where i am depending on the area; and i don’t even live in sydney)….. which means many people need to ask their parents for financial help to get the at least $90,000 prep money to go for the loan….. maybe y’all should fucking do something to fix it so that so many people don’t default on their loans in 5 years.

like yeah sure you can blame young people for not knowing how to manage long term saving and their finances and stuff like that… but maybe y’all should take the effort to try and lower housing prices so people don’t need such a huge fucking starting loan price of close to $100,000. and okay yeah obvs idk much about finance myself but still. maybe you should realise it’s wrong that people basically need $100,000 just to buy a house now…. or something.

also. i listened to some radio show the other week while i stayed over my sisters house on my own; about how so many young adults just staying at home in general or for “financial reasons”. they had this dude on it who went on this spiel about how when young adults stay at home well into their 20s or longer; they miss big milestones like having proper relationships or getting married because they “never grow out of” wanting to stay at home because they just “don’t want to fly the nest” and then they went on the rant that “to think that in our day we flew the nest at 15!!!! these silly 20somethings never wanting to leave home!!!” they had points that if people stay at home til their late 20s they’ll probably struggle to hold down jobs because they “never mature” while living at home and other stuff like that.

again….. if property prices didn’t fucking skyrocket to a baseline of close to $1million and jobs that actually want to pay you a decent/proper and real tangible wage and don’t exploit you are fucking impossible to find for young people…. maybe then most of us would move out of home sooner??? if landlords didn’t take advantage of their tenants and stuff as well maybe then more young people would move out??? and also just the cost of even moving out to a share-house/flat or a flat on your own is expensive as hell too. like bonds are ridiculous as well. like maybe factor that in terry??? and just getting a job in general is fucking impossible when they want/expect a ridiculous amount of experience for someone just starting out in their 20s who just wants to work in retail/hospo or even in an office job. then during the pandemic many young people were literally forced to move back home anyway because they couldn’t afford their rent or to live generally with no fucking job because they’d lost their jobs after covid shut everything down. and many people are still finding it hard to get a job with job hunting. like for real. leave us the fuck alone.

like don’t get me wrong. i get those points on some levels, because some parents may continue to treat their adult kids as actual children even though they’re grown…. so they might excuse them from their household chores like doing the dishes etc still. but when parents treat their adult kids like actual adults and expect them to pitch in with paying board and stuff and let them have partners over and stuff…. then what’s the fucking big deal??? let people live their lives and stop guilting them for not “spreading their wings” when the economy and shit today makes it so fucking hard to do that.

like one of the interviewed people on that radio cast actually ran workshops in high schools for year 10-12 boys to learn sewing and how to use a washing machine and other domestic skills that guys usually get to avoid until they move out. but then another person on that show (a woman) was like “uh what’s the point of teaching people to sew/cook/wash their clothes nowadays when they should all be learning to code??? surely that’s a better life and job ready skill today??” etc etc. so miriam, you’re telling me that 25yo matt doesn’t need to know how to wash his own fucking clothes or even cook for himself because it has nothing to do with javascript???? you’re fucking kidding me right??? and if he moved in with his girlfriend deanna (for an example) that he’d be excused from his basic life skills and admin duties for his precious javascript skills??? fuck that. the guy’s a fucking fool if he won’t cook for himself/do his own washing/other household duties just because it has nothing to do with coding. get your head out of your ass, miriam; because coding isn’t the be all & end all of everything today.

but anyway yeah. i just fucking hate when journalists or whomever call people who still live at home in their 20s to 30s…. or even just any young adults in general “kidults” when the economy and society has made it fucking impossible for young adults to do literally any-fucking-thing if their parents aren’t relatively well off/rich, in terms of buying a house…. or just in general with trying to fucking live and get a long lasting stable well paying job; when so many fucking places just want to underpay you or just outright don’t want to pay anyone at all when you think in terms of “work experience” and “internships” or the worst fucking thing of all “exposure” if you think in terms of anything to do with social media/marketing/advertising or any other creative career path.

the above is why we can’t fucking leave home most of the time. because how the actual FUCK am i meant to even PAY RENT AND LIVE/EAT AND TRAVEL TO WORK when jack and lilly from some bs startup social media marketing firm in sydney want to only pay me in ⭐️⭐️E X P O S U R E AND G O O D V I B E S 😊😊😊 🎊✌🏻🙌🏻⭐️⭐️™️ and not with Actual Real Money™️; for my wasted fucking time travelling there and my overly exerted REAL EFFORT i’d have to put in to beg for the said exposure and good vibes to just work there and whatever other bullshit they write in their job description. like fuck off with your good vibes and exposure and fucking pay me lmao.

anyway that’s why i hate the term “kidults”

[amy-issen]

ok so here it is!! i spent the last week solely making and listening to this playlist like i was POSSESED because this ship is lovely and deserved a nice playlist!  if anyone wants to know why i picked each song, i’m going to ramble about it extensively in the read more, so check that out if you want! hope you enjoy it! also thanks again to @birbwell​ for letting me use her art for the cover!

i divided this playlist in a few sections so let’s start with the first one (section one: first meeting/pining) i. in the rain - joe hisaishi i wanted to start with a short instrumental track to set the mood, and i looooove howl’s moving castle score, so i had to pick this one! the fact that it has rain in the title also helps to reference how their relationship began! ii. with every breath i take - frank sinatra “every breath that I take is a prayer that i’ll make you mine” my sister is a big sinatra/jazz fan (and also a yakuza fan) so she helped me with picking a few of the songs here! this one is very romantic, elegant and beautiful and i thought it fit the mood (and it’s what i think tachibana listens to in his free time lmao).

iii. gold rush - taylor swift “what must it be like to grow up that beautiful? with your hair falling into place like dominoes my mind turns your life into folklore i can't dare to dream about you anymore” this one is my FAVORITE song on this playlist, and one of the first i picked because this song just fits them like a glove. it’s basically pining 101, and i love that what taylor said this song is about “daydreaming about someone then snapping out of it.” i feel like the first part could be from tachibana’s perspective and the second one from kiryu’s (also giving a bit of a glimpse into the future, with the mention of a coastal town they’ll never find together) iv. first love/late spring - mitski “so please, hurry, leave me, i can't breathe please don't say you love me mune ga hachikire-sōde (my heart seems like it’s going to burst)” this one was another song i picked very early on because i love mitski, and i needed to include her here. i just wanted something to symbolize the trust that tachibana and kiryu have to share to work together, and the feelings that emerge from it, if that makes any sense. i don’t think this has a specific perspective, because i feel like this could work from both kiryu’s and tachibana’s (mostly kiryu though) v. real estate - adam melchor “every time I wonder how i'd carry on without you i'm runnin' out of real estate tryna make all the right moves i don't wanna hesitate i would bet the house on you “ do you UNDERSTAND how satisfying it was to find a song named real estate for them?? come ooon. ok that’s not all of my reasoning for it but it’s like. most of it, lmao another song i felt was about trust and feelings. (also a bit of a glimpse into the future, because i’m sad) vi. i get a kick out of you - ella fitzgerald “i get no kick from champagne mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all so tell me why should it be true that i get a kick out of you?” another one my sister recommended. i originally was gonna go with sinatra’s version of this, but i love this one and it just wouldn’t leave my brain. again, one from mostly tachibana’s perspective, get this man to sing this on karaoke night right now. vii. like real people do - hozier  “i will not ask you where you came from i would not ask and neither would you honey, just put your sweet lips on my lips we could just kiss like real people do” this is one of my all time favorites from hozier and, again, it just fit perfectly. tachibana and kiryu have both lived some very... troubled lives so far, and while they’re depending on this trust they have in eachother, none of them really care to know about what they’ve done or who they are. this is mostly from kiryu’s perspective, specially with this metaphor of being rescued/dug up from the earth with the whole being found in the rain and saved by tachibana and his poor driving skills. viii. delicate - taylor swift “this ain't for the best my reputation's never been worse, so you must like me for me... we can't make any promises now, can we, babe? but you can make me a drink” y’all are going to have to forgive me for picking TWO taylor swift songs but COME OOOON this is another one that i picked early on because i could draw so many parallels between the lyrics and things that they both said in that car scene on chapter 9 (mostly tachibana though) and i kept harassing my sister with screenshots to prove my point and i’m gonna do it again

ANYWAYS i’ve made my case, and now we enter the second section of the playlist at last ( section 2: actual romantic/fluffy songs because this is a ship playlist) i. good old-fashioned lover boy - queen “dining at the ritz we'll meet at nine (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 o'clock) precisely i will pay the bill, you taste the wine driving back in style in my saloon will do quite nicely just take me back to yours that will be fine” is this a bit of a cliché? yes. did i want to include it because it’s very cute and i’d like to imagine kiryu and tachibana having a nice date night with no people trying to kill them all the time? also yes. i love this song.

ii. stay with me/mayonaka no door - miki matsuraba “you in your gray jacket with that oh-so-familiar coffee stain just as you always are the two of us reflect in the window display stay with me knocking on midnight's door i beg you not to go home tonight” (translated lyrics) is anyone not obsessed with this song lately? this is the only song here i’m blaming tiktok for making me listen to it lol. in any way, this song is deceptive because it sounds really happy but is actually quite melancholic. i thought it fit their relationship well, and it seemed like a good addition to the playlist with it’s 80′s city pop vibes.

iii. on melancholy hill - gorillaz (covered by matt forbes) “just looking out on the day of another dream where you can't get what you want, but you can get me so let's set out to sea, love 'cause you are my medicine when you're close to me" this is a gorillaz song but i went with this cover because it fit the feeling of the playlist a little better. another song that i just love very deeply and i thought fit the sentiment of kiryu being like “hey i know we have Big problems and you’re very sad in the moment but i’m here for you” iv. (i love you) for sentimental reasons - nat king cole "i think of you every morning dream of you every night darling, i'm never lonely whenever you are in sight" surprisingly, not one that my sister recommended, but one i found for myself while looking for quiet  romantic songs. i feel like this is tachibana's reply to kiryu being there for him and helping him. plus, idk i just wanted to imagine them slow dancing to this. v. positions - ariana grande (covered by travis atreo) "perfect, perfect you're too good to be true but I get tired of runnin', fuck it now, i’m runnin' with you" i picked this cover because i felt like using ariana's one would be a little goofy for this section lmao, but i really like this song and how it's about commitment and doing everything to make a relationship work. i just wanted to throw some sexy vibes before this playlist delved into depressing stuff. also if you telling me tachibana wouldn't absolute body a tiktok set to this song you're lying to yourself. (section 3: oh no this is getting sad) i. forever - labrinth "i'll live forever" i love everything labrinth makes, the euphoria soundtrack lives in my mind rent free and this is my favorite one. this barely has any lyrics so, again, mostly a track i picked for its intrumentals and feeling overall. mostly preparing you for the sad stuff ahead. ii. hong kong - gorillaz "you swallow me i'm a pill on your tongue here on the nineteenth floor the neon lights make me calm" this is my favorite gorillaz song, by FAR, and i think it's introspective vibe really fits tachibana's character. not really a song about relationship but i really wanted to include it because it's just such a GORGEOUS song. iii. fragments - severon another instrumental track! this one i stole from a playlist my sister made for a fic i wrote last year. again. sad vibes. iv. sign of the times - harry styles (covered by LANY) "remember everything will be alright we can meet again somewhere somewhere far away from here" i loved the synth-y vibe this cover had, while still keeping this song's sad "our lives are dangerous and i'm about to die" vibes. i mostly wanted to evoke the vibe from the scene where tachibana agrees to go with lao gui after kiryu gets shot. just really sad all around. v. so close - jon mclaughlin "we're so close to reaching that famous happy end almost believing this one's not pretend let's go on dreaming though we know we are so close, so close, and still so far" me? picking a song from disney's enchanted??? for a playlist??? it's more likely than you think. idk this song just gives me that vibe of being so close to being happy and together, almost reminiscing and wondering what could have been. but it just... won't happen. vi. as the world caves in - matt maltese "yes, it's you i welcome death with as the world, as the world caves in" oops, yes, i had to go there. just couldn't resist including this song, and i feel like it's really self-explanatory. vii. places we won't walk - bruno major "neon lights shine bold and bright buildings grow to dizzy heights people come alive at night in places we won't walk" again, i feel like this song speaks for itself. a bit of a meditation on kiryu's perspective on things that could have happened, things they would have done, that kiryu will just have to do alone from now on. viii. carry me out - mitski "i drive when it rains at night, when it rains, i drive and the headlight spirits they lead me down the styx so black it shines and carry me out carry me out"

possibly the saddest and the most powerful song in this playlist, because i just had to put a mitski song again. the image of kiryu carrying tachibana's body is just constantly in my mind when i listen to this, but i could also see this song being from the perspective of tachibana's spirit. ix. arms tonite - mother mother "i died in your arms tonight i slipped through into the afterlife it was nice" lmao this felt a bit like a cruel joke to include, but i didn't want this playlist to end TOO depressingly. it's a nod to tachibana dying in kiryu's arms, sure, but also it's romantic and possibly a little hopeful (tachibana lives au!!! orpheus and eurydice au!!! fuck it, idk!!)  xi. everybody wants to rule the world - tears for fears "there's a room where the light won't find you holding hands while the walls come tumbling down when they do, i'll be right behind you so glad we've almost made it so sad they had to fade it everybody wants to rule the world" not a recommendation from my sister, but it is her favorite song, and she was happy that i included it. another 80's bop with sad lyrics! i feel like this is a lovely summary of their story together and it feels like a nice little bow to wrap up the playlist.  i hope you enjoyed my long ass explanations! i might add songs later (or make an entire second playlist altogether for the fic i'm writing rn, but let's not get ahead of ourselves)

[purplesurveys]

1024

What would you say is your favorite food? Sushi. < Ahhh, this is a good one. My favorite is down to a tie: it’s either chicken curry or burgers.

What color eyes does the person you like / love have? Are they pretty? Dark brown. I’m not too sure what the second question is referring to but yeah, she and her eyes are both pretty.

What was the first television show you were obsessed with? Hi-5, omg. That show was my life in preschool and I always watched the 12 NN replay as soon as I got back home from school, back when I was still on a half-day sched. I was so hooked I remember having legit tantrums before starting Grade 1 because grade school meant full days in school and thus having to miss out on the show entirely.

Do you like Mexican food or any other foreign foods? For sure. All my favorites are Asian (Indian, Japanese, Indonesian, Chinese, etc.) but I also enjoy Italian, Mexican, Greek etc cuisines. I generally haven’t tried African cuisines but I really, really want to.

What color is the keyboard you are currently using? The keys are black with white lettering.

Do you own any of those ‘chunky’ and cute rings? Nope, not my style.

What are you planning on eating for dinner tonight if you haven’t already? I saw my dad cooking up something deep-fried; it was like his own version of katsu or something, or maybe it’s fish fillet? I’m not too sure what it is yet but I’m excited and will probably eat lots of it as I skipped all my meals and have only been running on coffee and vape all day - not good.

Do you own an iPod or MP3 player? If so, when did you get it? Technically I still do. Haven’t used it since high school. I got it when I was 10 back in ‘08; I was envious of the kids in school who had iPods, so I asked my dad to buy me one even though I wasn’t super into music at the time. Not the best kid in the world.

When was the last time someone took your picture? Last Saturday when my package came. Apparently online deliveries now require your photo to be taken upon receiving your package and I think it’s for the seller to keep track of their transactions. I’m not a big fan of the new procedure, but it’s whatevs.

Would you rather write a report or type it on a computer? Type. 

What color was the last jacket or hoodie you wore? Gray.

Do you receive more compliments or insults on a daily basis? Neither, really. I haven’t been talking to people a lot; and when I do it’s for work, where I receive neither compliments nor insults.

Who is the lead actress / actor from your absolute favorite movie? Audrey Hepburn and Albert Finney, or Matt Damon and Ben Affleck.

Can you recite the alphabet backward? [continued from last night] Slowly, but I’m sure I can finish it.

Do you eat chili when you get a hotdog, or do you like it plain? We don’t do hotdogs with chili here. I generally don’t see chili much where I live and I wouldn’t call it a common dish.

Would you say it’s easy for people to make you smile or laugh? At first I thought it was, but I’m slowly realizing that it isn’t.

What would you say is your favorite cereal, if you even like it? Cookie Crisp is the only one I like. I don’t have cereal often.

When was the last time you went on vacation? Where was it? It was a quick weekend getaway to Tagaytay and then Cavite, if it counts.

How many states have you been to in your lifetime? Zero.

Do you and your friends normally say you love one another? Yep, especially with Andi and Angela.

Have you ever been an outcast at your school or anywhere else? I was definitely one in early grade school, and again in Grade 6 when both my closest friends migrated in a span of six months, and I spent nearly all my lunch periods alone. Looking back on it, I’m really glad I powered through and made it here because I truly wasn’t happy at the time.

Do you own any dresses? If so, what colors are they? I have lots of sundresses and little black dresses because I was into those for a very long time at one point. Some of them are black, obviously, but I also have dresses in blue, maroon, and olive.

Would you say you drink more pop / soda than you should? I never drink soda as I’ve always felt like I spend more time complaining about how drinking it feels like burning my tongue and throat than actually enjoying it.

Would you rather have orange juice or milk with your breakfast? Water.

How many different colors has your bedroom been painted? Just one. The walls have been white ever since we moved here 12 years ago.

Do you cuss? If so, do you ever cuss in front of your parents? I’ll slip in front of them sometimes but I never get in trouble for it anymore.

Would you ever tell your mom about the things you’ve done sexually? Our humor together can be raunchy sometimes but I don’t think I’d ever do this. I dunno if she wants to hear I’ve had sex with a girl either.

Is there anyone out there who can make you cry very easily? Yes.

What was the worst news you’ve heard this entire week? *In the last week, hearing about the typhoon’s effects in other cities didn’t feel good. This entire country is literally only getting by with donations from the private sector because the government isn’t doing shit for cities and families who got severely affected by the typhoon; it’s almost depressing to hear and read about.

Have you ever been in a car wreck? I’ve been in minor car accidents but it would be too much to call any of them car wrecks. They had all just been tiny bumps or thuds.

Do you have your ears pierced? If not, what do you have pierced? Yes, my mom had my earlobes pierced when I was an infant. I don’t plan on getting any more new ones as I’m not really into piercings.

Has anyone ever told you that they think you have ADHD? Nope.

What is your biggest pet peeve? When people reach out first via text/IM then even if I get back to them in 5–10 seconds, it takes them a long time to get back to me. It’s especially annoying if they classify it as urgent, I drop everything to reply quickly, then they end up disappearing. Like why?

Do a lot of people understand you completely? Who does exactly? No, I like keeping a wall up. 

Would you say you’re really good at cooking and baking things? Haha no. But it’s something I want to be skilled in, definitely. I’d love to be able to make the food I usually just thirst over on the internet. I’m taking baby steps, like figuring out how to make certain sandwiches, but I have a long way to go before I can consider myself any good.

How is the weather outside right this second? It’s been a little cloudy this morning but it might start to get fair seeing how I’m beginning to see the sky turn blue. I’m just hoping there won’t be too much sun, period.

Do you have a lot of trees around your house? What about buildings? No buildings as I live in a gated village. We have a number of trees around, but I wouldn’t call it ‘a lot.’

Would you say either one of your parents are 'pack-rats?’ No. I have that title, and I believe I inherited it from my great-grandmother who was a bit of a pack rat herself, as I’ve been told.

Have you ever disowned anyone in your family? For what reasons? Kinda. I don’t associate with one of my uncles because he has a terrible drinking issue that he never got to permanently fix. Whenever I see him at family gatherings he just smells like stale gin or whatever it is he drinks, and it just ruins the essence of family reunions for me. As recent as Christmas Day last year he drove drunk and crashed into a car with an entire family, but as always his ass got lucky because 1) no one in the family got hurt, and 2) said family let go of the lawsuit they were planning to file against him.

Have you ever seen That 70’s Show? Do you watch it regularly? I tried watching the first episode but genuinely could not find it entertaining for the life of me. Sorry, Mila :(

If you could choose, what decade would you rather live in? I never really think about revisiting decades - they’re already behind, so what’s the point? As bad as the 2020s have been looking, I’m okay with staying here.

How often would you say you get sick? Once a year at most.

Is there anyone out there who has hurt you so much, you wish they’d die? I used to wish they would die, but I don’t feel that way anymore.

Has anyone ever called you a socio-path before? I don’t think so.

When was the last time you watched a movie in theaters? December.

Have you ever moved to a completely different state before? We’ve moved to different regions before.

Do you mind it when surveys ask you really personal questions? No. Isn’t that part of the point of surveys?

When was the last time you told someone you love them? Thursday or Friday I think, when Andi said it to me first and I said it back. I wasn’t having a good day and they were just looking out.

Which one would you like more: kiss on cheek / kiss on neck? Depends on my mood. Right now a kiss on the cheek sounds nice.

Does it bother you when people steal your stuff on MySpace? This never happened to me because I had Myspace for such a short time and I never caught it at its peak. Also, how do people steal your stuff over there? That’s pretty intriguing lmao

Do you have freckles? Do you like / dislike them? I don’t have any.

Who would you say is the best actor / or actress in your opinion? My biased ass would rally for Kate Winslet all the way, but some other great ones for me are Toni Collette, Emma Stone, Jodie Foster, and Natalie Portman.

How many times have you been drunk in your life? Many.

What would you do if the last person you kissed said they hated you? Be confused and ask them to give me a few concrete reasons. I don’t think too highly of myself, but I know I’ve never done anything to make me deserving of hate, especially with regard to us.

Do you ever think you might be pregnant? No, it has never been a worry of mine.

When was the last time you acted really immature? The weekend.

Do you enjoy watching comedies or horror movies more? Horror. I never watch comedies and the only subtype of it that I watch is romcom.

As a child, did you ever have an imaginary friend? Yeah but it lasted all of five minutes until I got bored with the concept.

Does anyone call you baby? Who would that be? No.

Can you rely on one or more people to take up for you? I have no idea what take up means. If this also means ‘stand up for me,’ then yeah I can.

[ungodlyobsessions]

Black Friday thoughts!

I saw Black Friday last night and HOO BOY LEMME TELL YA THAT SHOW IS A HOOT, SO STRAP IN FOR A LONG POST

⚠️ THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR BLACK FRIDAY THE MUSICAL ⚠️

In-show thoughts:

We got to see Jeff as Tom Houston! Sad to know it was because Dylan was out sick, but it was a special experience nonetheless

Robert fucking dies yet again :(

Uhhhh holy shit Jon can BELT, I could hear him over everyone despite them all having a mic

Kim literally got right in my face and stared me in the eyes, it was fantastic

I thought I was gonna get kicked by Robert and James (though, I wouldn't have minded one bit lol)

Nick Lang was also at the show, possibly noting? He was really sweet and it was nice to see him again

ANGELA IS A BEAST AND HER VOICE IS FUCKING AWESOME, I hope to see her in future Starkid shows!

Kendall was so incredible! Her voice is so beautiful and it's so cool to see someone so young be such a great performer

Curt came dangerously close to running into my feet/legs during portions of the show

Most of the actors ended up getting around 5 or more inches away from me at times

The choreography in this show is honestly on another level, like the formations and little dance solos were just perfection! Hats off to James Tolbert man

The fight choreo in this show is also insane, like it was genuinely worrying watching some of the brawling that was going on lol

There was a moment in the show where our fave dancers (Lauren, Robert, and now James!) got to have their own little time in the spotlight

Jaime is super funny as Sherman Young

There were several leitmotifs and callbacks to stuff from TGWDLM!

There was this really cool set design moment where President Goodman is talking to Wiggly! So basically, the top level of the set has garland on it that fans downwards; Robert held up two large lamps above it to represent eyes, and coupled with the garland it forms the little green bastard's face. Some of the girls were under the garland, shaking it when Wiggly was talking

Curt is like...batshit crazy at some points in this show when he's a mallgoer

Joey is very creepy in this show,, he had an apple throughout the first act that he took one bite out of then handed to a random audience member, not to mention the fact that one of his costumes is all-denim

Lauren is a GORGEOUS villain, like I love Linda Monroe so much, but she is also very good at remaining comedic in the role

I overheard that unfortunately, due to Lauren being sick, she had to cut her solo titled "Adore Me"

PAULKINS PAULKINS PAULKINS!!!!! Also I love the fact that according to Paul they are "very intimate" but not close enough for Emma to label themselves as boyfriend and girlfriend lol

Tom was a very raw and wonderful character, and I actually hope this isn't the last we see of him

It was so refreshing seeing Jeff in a more serious role, and he is honestly such a legend for stepping up so suddenly in addition to his existing roles and writing all of the incredible songs

Getting some insight on how the death of Emma's sister, Jane, affected Emma and the Houstons was really interesting, and with the release of the filmed version I'm hoping there will be more to discover about it that I missed

Kim has such an angelic voice! She sounded beautiful during her duet with Jeff

Corey was killing it, he was so entertaining and captivating during his songs, he's a king

General McNamara reappears! I was so happy to see that man again :,) too bad he fucking dies though!!!

Hot Chocolate Boy, Charlotte, Ted, and Bill all reappear in the end number, and lemme tell you I was ECSTATIC, I missed them all so much

Also, Ted was holding Charlotte's shoulders at the end....👀

Curt was dressed as a guy in a hoodie that was holding lil' Peanut the Hatchetfield Squirrel!

Lex and Hannah's sibling relationship was so touching

Lex's solo, "Black Friday," was stunning, and I'll definitely be learning it once the soundtrack is released

I honestly hate the way Ethan dresses himself lmao, but he's really sweet to Hannah and is a pretty supportive boyfriend

In one of the numbers, I believe titled "Wiggle" or something similar, there's a lot of very good suggestive hip swiveling going on

JEFF BLIM SAID FUCK CAPITALISM

I'm begging for a full-length version of Santa Claus Goes to High School (well not really, Black Friday is enough of a blessing, but the thought is glorious)

Teenage Kris Kringle is actually Robert's best role, don't @ me 😤 Professor Hidgens? Don't know her

The number that I believe is titled "What Do You Say?" is so fucking funny but also awkward and adorable

Jon Matteson as Gary, a lawyer, was super entertaining

I wasn't expecting a cult plot, but you know, I'm not surprised

Out-of-show thoughts:

We sat in the front row, house left

Curt and Kim both said hi to people, but they left quickly and didn't stagedoor due to sickness

Lauren, Corey, James, and Joey all did not stagedoor or even appear afterwards, given their sickness

I showed the members I'd met at Homecoming (Jon, Jeff, and Jaime) the pictures from the day I saw them, and they all said they remembered me! Jon and Jeff both commented that they looked younger in the picture, and Jeff pointed out his makeup lol

I asked Jaime if Mariah ever saw my Greenpeace costume, and she said she showed her a picture of me in it!

I got stickers, the Black Friday pin, a Wiggly doll, and some unused prop stickers that were meant to go on the bags in the show

I talked to Robert a little more after stagedoor and told him I'd watched some of Fanshaw and Crudnut to hear his voice acting, and he said "Oh my God, that's a deep cut haha" but was ultimately grateful for the extra support for his work

There were these two girls in the front with us that were dressed as Alice and Deb as a couple's costume, they were so cute and so sweet

I got to chat with Matt Dahan, and he was talking about how good the music in the show is and how talented he thinks all of his friends are :,)

When Jon came out, people were going "Paul's a-comin'," so the Alice and Deb girls and I all brought up "Steve's a-comin'," and Matt went "Oh God, you guys know about 'Steve's a-comin''??" lmao

The show confirms that Black Friday isn't really a continuation or prequel to TGWDLM, but rather an alternate dimension/timeline

At the end of the show, during bows, the cast gestured to Jeff in the middle, and we all gave him a roaring standing ovation that nearly brought him to tears

During the show, you could tell which of the cast members were sick because they were coughing onstage (though they were definitely being as discreet as possible) and it's just unbelievable how passionate and dedicated these people are.

I'm so honored to have experienced this! I'm eagerly awaiting the YouTube release and soundtrack, and I'm so ready to see what Starkid will do next 🌟

[a-lbeit]

2020: a goddamn year in review

man oh man 

rang in the new year drunk as hell with incredible company at a party we crashed; kissed at least 3 people

went to work the next morning still drunk and laughed all through my shift. it was blake, abby, and jacob’s last day

tried sushi for the first time and had one last juke joint evening before britt left 

discovered the roof next to carnegie with rozi 

slept over at blake’s apartment with britt the night before we all had to move out and the program officially ended. it was a nice way to end it. man, who knew what was to come with the rest of the year

finally saw the holiday version of small world the last night that the park had the holiday decorations up. looking back, i sure am glad i was able to see that

blake was able to continue living in carnegie because of his professional internship. rozi and i snuck in and slept over at his place once or twice, running through the halls before the new set of CPs moved in. most of the apartments were unlocked, so we went up and saw our old place all empty and dark. we all climbed up to lyndsay’s top bunk and blake put his head on me. the next morning, we were all having breakfast when a couple of cleaning people came in lmfao 

got a spot for the cast preview of rise of the resistance. that’s a fucking cool ride, i gotta give it up 

went to the autopia drive-in. that was certainly something i’ll be forever grateful was able to happen. we all sat in the cars and watched incredibles 2 with hella snacks. it was unique and memorable and special. i remember sitting next to benny in the break room, although we didn’t know each other at that point

went to an event in la with rozi, taleeah, taleeah’s sister, and her boyfriend (now her fiancé, soon to be husband). got as drunk as i did on new year’s, ate some random hot wings, and puked in the uber. yikes 

called in an hour late to work the next day, even though my start time was already at 1pm lmao. i remember talking to matt about the night. i miss him sometimes. 

went on my first hike since my ankle broke. what a joyous moment, sincerely. to be back on my feet, in my hiking boots, on dirt, climbing between the valleys and hilltops. that first moment when the world is gracious enough to let you return to a large raison d’être. you feel indebted, truly. you feel like things really will be all right in the end. it is like nothing else--pure, fresh, and humbling.

got closer with my coworkers. i still miss them like hell. i think i always will. there was so much we were going to do together. i began to realize that i felt happiest at work.

one day at work, my coworker brenda and i were Y1 and Y2, and my coworker benny was track 2 line 3. he came up and told me something, i believe a joke about how he couldn’t hear my spiel (i’d always be pretty loud during my spiels lmao, enough for a couple of my leads to tell me to quiet down a bit). when he went back, brenda leaned across and said that she thought he thought i was cute. i’ll always remember that moment, i think. i still think about whether the guests waiting in the cars heard her and tuned into the gossip. i was taken aback, to say the least. i thought he was cool, but he hadn’t really been on my radar. that changed right then.

a few days later, i came back up to her and asked if she meant what she said. she said yeah, and asked if i thought he was cute. i said i think so. a few days after that, it was a rainy day and auto was closed. i was talking to her and asked her why she thought that. she finally told me that she’d heard it from her close friend josh, who hung out with benny. i was honestly fucking shook lmao. it was all so juvenile, but it was fun to think about.

went to troy’s birthday party, expecting to see benny. he didn’t show, but i had a great time anyway. i got the kind of drunk where you’re still in control, but you feel like you’re on top of the world.

had a lunch and park date with lexi and cassie. i told them about benny, and when cassie and i rode autopia, he was at auto 3 and we pretended our car had broken down. he played along.

went to alejandra’s 21st birthday party. i wasn’t too close to her; i only knew her through rozi. i’m glad we got so much closer over the course of the year. 

my self-confidence sort of skyrocketed. i bought new clothes and felt almost beautiful for once.

went to the cast preview of the new parade that was going to be at disneyland. lmfao that sure did go to shit. 

had a beautiful day at the parks with my coworkers. i wish i could have attended more of those days, but things changed quickly, as we all know. 

finally got off probation at work (which had been paused for the 3 months i was on medical leave) and found out i had been okayed to learn the nemo ride. i was excited to learn a second ride so soon after my probation ended, and i was excited that it was so unique. i mean, driving a submarine? come on. people may think it’s a lame attraction, but it’s not something you see everywhere. plus, it was also the other ride that benny knew. i had been trying to interact with him more at work in that coy way you might see in high school flirtation. like i said, it was juvenile. i claim it. 

started working toward becoming a trainer—lexi was really helpful, and it was nice to talk with anthony and jeff about it and to know that all these leads thought i would be a good pick

found out through brenda that billy thinks i’m hot LMFAO. an ego booster of sorts

my new coworker melissa started getting closer to me, and she’d message me and text me. she eventually said she was interested in me, and i was a little on edge for a while, but we’re close now. i like her a lot. (her ex ended up also sort of coming on to me months later lmao)

the week before the closure came about, went to arizona with rozi and blake to visit britt. what a weekend. it was short, but certainly meaningful. we were able to meet and hang out with her beautiful family, catch up, have some great laughs, eat fire food (including my first dutch bros experience 👀), and explore a new area. it was my first time in arizona, and we got to see a tiny bit of phoenix and spent a windy afternoon in flagstaff. i feel like that was the last time things were so easy between all of us.

started training at nemo for the majority of what would become the last week i would be working before the closure, which was announced only like 3 days before it actually happened. 

slept over at trev’s LMFAO 

passed my PA on thursday amidst a weird 101 with the attraction. i remember looking across the way at my coworkers in the auto pit (because autopia also had to go down when nemo was down), and benny saw me and waved at me, and then everyone else did, too. a nice moment. a small group of them finished their shift when i was at greeter at nemo, and when they walked by, they all waved again. 

after the closure was announced--something that was so unprecedented but also not taken seriously (it was just going to be a 2 week vacation, right? corona wasn’t that big a deal)--i picked up billy’s opening shift for friday, march 13th, the last day before the closure. i wasn’t excited for this “vacation” (like i said, i was happiest when i was at work. i was going to miss that place for the 2 weeks it would supposedly be closed), so i was very grateful to work once more at auto, one of my favorite places to be. it rained all morning, and we were only open for maybe an hour or so. i did a track walk with lexi, and i goofed around with all my friends. it was michelle’s birthday, so some of us brought some food for a potluck. i had lowkey hoped to see benny, but he didn’t work that day. oh well. it was a really great shift that would end up being my last, something that is so strange to say even after all this time. i even got up the courage to ask anthony to write a letter of rec for me for grad school.

a couple hours later, i met up with rozi and alejandra as guests in the park to get in some final fun before (what we thought would be) the 2-week closure. it was incredible, and at the end of the night, all the characters lined up at the train station to wave bye to us all. i know it’s disney and cringy, but i felt warm, albeit a little on edge.

the next evening, got pizza with some coworkers and went back to one of their houses. it was actually the brother of my nemo trainer lmfao. i followed benny on instagram that night while sitting at the dining room table. like 5 minutes later, he followed me back. 

a day or two later, had brunch with some other coworkers before everything shut down for real. i’m grateful for kiley for arranging those types of get-togethers. 

before the closure got extended indefinitely, before i started wearing a mask, before we really came to understand the gravity of covid, we had fun for a couple weeks. rozi and i went back to the roof next to carnegie with blake and we got caught. we went on a couple hikes. we’d go on almost daily evening walks and we’d do stairs in the morning. went to the beach. i really started to get into exercising, since i was no longer able to get the 20,000 steps i’d log at work each day. did those instagram tag games with my coworkers. engaged in all the activities that the early naïveté surrounding the pandemic brought, like whipped coffee. things weren’t great, but they were all right. we were still getting paid by disney, something that i do have to give props to the corporation for. they did what they could while they could. 

taleeah, rozi, and i all finally united over our mutual dislike of our other roommate. i started to avoid being in the same place as her, so i’d often sit on the floor in the living room since we didn’t have any furniture at the time. i sort of miss it. 

rozi moved out at the end of march. we hadn’t found anyone to replace her. we started splitting the rent evenly 3 ways. was it fair? not necessarily, but i mean, it wouldn’t have been fair any other way, either. that’s the way it goes. and you have to accept it.

benny remained in the back of my mind. my coworkers would have zoom calls, and i joined a couple of them at the beginning of quarantine. it was nice to talk to them, although i mostly just listened to their conversations. i hate video calls. 

even though the closure was indefinite, we all kept saying we’d be back by june, august at the latest. 

blake got laid off and ended up driving back home to tennessee. i hate that i cried when we said goodbye. 

rozi came back to visit for the first time at the beginning of may

started getting a bit creative with my meals. just a bit

my unemployment finally started coming in, and i felt rich for a minute

rozi would come back about once a month or so. we’d take nice photos, get açaí and coffee, and pretend everything was gonna be over soon 

rozi, blake, britt, and i all talked about meeting up again. we decided to fly out to tennessee at the end of july, coinciding with my birthday, actually. we bought our tickets and had plans to stay with blake and his family. it was going to be a beautiful reunion.

paid off my credit card for the first time since the end of 2017 (after having to load it up during my medical leave when i was the brokest i’ve ever been). it was incredibly freeing.

mindy moved back to oc, and we hung out for the first time since florida. it was a nice reunion, and i’m glad to have her as a friend who lives nearby

the end of may rolled around, and in the days following george floyd’s murder, there sure was a big change all around. the fire died down eventually, like it always does, but it hit harder this time around. saw one of my coworkers at the protest i attended. it was, and still is, a moving time marked so clearly with disgusting and incessant realities.

daisy moved in. i’m so incredibly grateful we’ve crossed paths. she is genuine and generous and a kind soul.

got açaí and coffee and went mini-golfing with rozi and a couple of her friends for her birthday. left my sunglasses at the course, took a chance and went back to look for them, and was overjoyed when i saw them resting at the 14th hole. thank you, whoever you were who put them there rather than taking them.

dalenna went out of town for 10 whole and beautiful days, and i completed the chloe ting 2 week shred. i’m so glad i did. it was the beginning of workouts that i actually enjoy doing and feel accomplished about doing. i feel strong and i look strong now, and i really do feel sort of indebted to chloe, as stupid as that sounds. seeing the bones in my hands, i like myself nowadays. i still treat myself probably way too much, but i feel disciplined. 

started graduate school, something that i’m still shook was possible during these times 

had a picnic with some coworkers, the first time i’d seen them in months. catching up with them was like nothing else

bought roller skates lmfao, and went roller skating with mindy because the rink reopened for a while

a couple days later, went back with rozi and taleeah

we ended up cancelling our plans to fly out to visit blake. covid was hard to deal with, obviously. it didn’t seem safe, and things didn’t seem right—with the world and within our group. i really hate what’s become of it. i miss the relationship i had with blake before rozi joined in, if i’m being honest. 

tried to skate outside of a rink, but it’s just not for me lmao. i’m happy to have my own pair for whenever the rinks reopen again, though

for the 4th of july, taleeah and i got bomb food and ate in a park. i’ve really grown so close to her over the past half year or so, and i’m thankful for it. we’re different, for sure, but i think that she and i have a very similar understanding of life.

my ipod had broken a couple months back, and i finally bought a new one, although i didn’t actually set it up with my music until months later 

went to laughlin with alejandra, taleeah, and rozi for a couple days. we melted in the triple digit heat, got a lot of dutch bros, did a drive-by of vegas (my first ever view of it—what a sight to see, all empty but still lit up), swam in lake mohave, and even drove over to the grand canyon for a day. i couldn’t help but be smitten with the grandeur of that part of the country. alejandra threw up several times while we were doing a hike, but she never stopped smiling and laughing and even flirting with a man from iowa. i admire and respect her endlessly. 

for a few days, that instagram meme of random names being put on random objects (like a frog or a seinfeld screen cap) was huge. i went through many of those, sending them to everyone. i sent a couple to benny. and i even said fuck it and sent one to tucker. he responded almost immediately and we started catching up. it was strange, but it was so incredibly nice. i told him my grievances, and he apologized. and we started talking like old friends again. 

went to downtown disney on the 65th anniversary of disneyland opening. a strange sort of homecoming in the midst of crippling uncertainty (something that still overwhelms me--but at least i’m not in the purgatory of furlough anymore. at least I know my fate)

with my birthday coming up, i had decided to rent a car for a few days (i had a couple free days with hertz) to explore southern california a bit, an activity long overdue. on disneyland’s birthday, there was a special zoom call that my coworkers were having, and i hopped on it for a while. benny was on it, like he always was. part of my plan—the main part, actually—was to go to salvation mountain, slab city, and the salton sea. i told everyone about it, and benny and i got to talking about it for a couple minutes because he had done a photoshoot there for his band. it was the most we’d talked in months. then i got off the call to facetime tucker LMFAO. we flirted a bit. we hung up after a while and i actually got back on the zoom call because i felt so good. that evening was a real high for me, socially speaking.

in the days and weeks that passed, tucker and i got close again. he’d call me cute and say he missed me. he was into me again, that’s for damn sure. it was nice for a minute. i even thought about flying out east to visit my parents and to see him in december

2 days before my birthday, i drove around all day, up to solvang and san luis obispo and back down to malibu to try to see the comet that was rolling through. it was pretty stupid of me to think malibu would be a good place to see it. it was cloudy as hell, but it was still beautiful. then i drove home along the worst part of the PCH just because it was the PCH. the next evening, taleeah and i went to the top of the world in laguna and we think we saw it. several people had the same idea, but i enjoyed the sense of community we all had. earlier in the day, i had driven to the us-mexico border where the PCT starts and walked along the first mile or so. it was incredible to see that in person. maybe one day, i’ll see it as a thru-hiker. who really knows. anyway, after the comet, we drove back home and stopped to get my free dozen birthday doughnuts from krispy kreme. 

the next day was my birthday. the night before, i asked taleeah if i should invite our other roommate. we decided it was probably a good idea to, just to be nice, even though we don’t like her. it was very last-minute of us, so we thought she’d say no. she said yes. lmao. it was pretty fun, though, and i’m glad i invited her. it’s nice to be inclusive. we drove to the desert, blasting my music that i so rarely get to blast while driving. seeing salvation mountain in person was a really fascinating experience. it was faded from the sun and it was empty. sheer beauty. i love the unassuming presence of the whole area and how everyone lives off the grid. then, we went to bombay beach and the salton sea. the gritty art next to the toxic waters made for some really fucking cool vibes. it was hot as hell, of course, and i didn’t mind, but dalenna did get a bit overheated. she doesn’t drink water, ever. it was all right, though. she was a trooper, i’ll give her that. i had a great day, and i hope taleeah and dalenna did, as well. we ended the day in riverside, seeing the mission inn that my father and his sisters often speak of.

i got so many birthday messages that day (including from benny). it made me feel really loved

honestly, i loved that rental car. the sound system was crystal clear

i had gotten really fucking tan by this point, since i’d go on walks and be outside so often. the socal kiss of summer really is something

did the hollywood hike for the first time with matty. seeing those letters up close and personal makes you really think about the history of the area, the rich (albeit troubled) cultural history of the silver screen

got extremely drunk with rozi at my apartment and facetimed tucker. it was the beginning of the end with that, even though he said he would love to have me over

reached the end of my first quarter of grad school. the last day, i took the train into la and met up with rozi so that we could gallivant around the city in an attempt to find billboards advertising blackbear’s new album—there was a contest on twitter that rozi was trying to win. it was one of the best days, really. we went to the grove and the pink wall and a bit of the abandoned la zoo. it was so fucking hot, but it didn’t even matter. when i got back to anaheim, i submitted my final group project and even had time to meet up with a few coworkers in a park to doodle and gossip. one of my favorite days of the year, honestly

the next day, i treated myself to my free bagel and cream cheese from bruegger’s and a latte, ate in the noguchi garden that i love so much, and ordered a new computer (which came with free airpods). the computer took a month to get here, but i had my airpods 2 days later 

then, a couple days after that, rozi and i went on the road trip of the year all the way to portland (i won’t say exactly how many times we stopped at dutch bros, but it was...a lot)

we started off by driving to this kitschy western-themed shop about 3 hours north. then we drove all the way to redding in norcal

the next morning, we did a hike in shasta national forest. seeing snow on the mountain in august was like nothing else. it finally felt like fall

on we went, getting a quick photo in the town of weed, of course, before making our way to bend, oregon, to see the last blockbuster standing. i bought a tote bag. it’s one of those things you just have to do. we finally rolled into portland at the end of the night

the next day, we explored the city a bit before meeting up with my friend katie who i met while working in florida. it was so fucking beautiful to see her again. we reminisced and caught up and she showed us around her neck of the woods in vancouver

the day after was a hiking day for sure. rozi and i went to multnomah falls, one of those things you always see in photos and feel so lucky to be able to see in person, and then to the bridge of the gods, where cheryl strayed ended her PCT hike. walking across that bridge was another favorite moment of my year. then we wound up in mt hood national forest. the hike we did had wild huckleberries along much of the trail that we snacked on, feeling like true foragers. again, the snow on the mountain makes you feel some type of way.

our last day in that area, we drove through some of washington, stopping at some ice caves and then going all the way to mt st helens. crazy stuff. we vowed to come back to do the hike around the crater someday

our journey back began, and we drove down the oregon coast. those cloudy beaches and coastal drives are something of an emblem of the tail end of a PNW summer, it seems.

the last day of the trip, we met up with rozi’s friend in sausalito, gazing out at sf across the bay, and then with her other friend in carmel (after driving over the golden gate and blasting scott mckenzie’s “san francisco,” something that just must be done). i want to have a more prolonged experience in the monterey area. so unique a place.

seeing the skies tinged orange from all the forest fires was something else. what a year of burning.

slept over at trev’s again lmao, maybe for the last time. had the best kind of la day afterwards, wandering celebrity graves at the hollywood forever cemetery and treating myself to bougie drinks at peet’s and groundwork coffee at the grove. i even saw the charmed house before taking the train back. it was the one-year anniversary of breaking my ankle and i had grown so much, come so far, felt so full. even if the midst of all the shit, i was happy. happiness despite my surroundings is sort of a theme of the year, as tone-deaf as that may sound. i am content with my life, sure, but i am not blind to the despair.

got really pissed at and hurt by tucker again, and learned my lesson this time. his mixed signals sure are something else. whatever. we’re cool now, friendly acquaintances. 

my next quarter of school started. 4 classes, all for free (i’d done 3 the previous quarter). i always try to remember how goddamn lucky i am, even when i’m feeling lazy

the one-year anniversary of my surgery passed on september 26th. again, i couldn’t believe how fortunate i had been with my recovery journey. i am indebted to that injury more than i can fathom. it brought the change i had been in desperate need of. i was happy previously. a little too naive, though. that injury developed me and made appreciate so, so much the life that i have, the abilities and strength that i have. over a year later, and here i am, still writing about it as if it happened a month ago. i’m thankful for that test. 

took a trip to santa barbara for the weekend with rozi and taleeah. rozi showed us around her old stomping grounds from when she attended UCSB, and we chilled out in some hot springs. we stopped in oxnard on the way back and hung out with taleeah’s family, going fishing and eating lunch with them. 

i saw on benny’s band’s instagram that they were having a real live show the day we were coming back. i was disappointed i couldn’t go, since i wasn’t in the area. i’d always wanted to go to one of his shows. i hoped there would be more. 

my new computer finally came in lmao

a couple days later, went to san diego for the weekend, this time with rozi and alejandra. we got to know the city a bit; it was a short introduction but i enjoyed the beach and the architecture. we all even played crazy 8s with tucker 

amidst all of that, 28k layoffs at disney were announced. we knew in the back of our minds that we’d be a part of those. 

the movies theaters reopened, and i started going again. it was a nice, simple way to spend my evenings.

the conflict between armenia and azerbaijan escalated around this time, and rozi was deeply affected, of course understandably so. i can’t empathize with what she was going through, but i really felt for her. and i checked up on her. but she ghosted everyone and was really sort of tunnel-visioned about how people should react to and discuss the conflict. and i realized that i had come to rely on her presence too much. so i distanced myself from her. i also realized that she is most of the reason that britt, blake, she, and i aren’t as close as we once were. she has a very dominating presence, and i’ve realized that i don’t like that things often have to be on her terms or are dictated by her—not in terms of what we do, but in terms of the general vibe of a relationship. so i keep that in mind now. i love her, truly. but i’ve been able to step back. i don’t jump to text her whenever i have news anymore. maybe that will change again. but anyway.

hiked in crystal cove again, the first hike i had done after my ankle healed back in january, this time for one of my classes. it was a really nice day to myself

submitted my absentee ballot. i really didn’t know what was going to happen. it sure was a case of hoping for the best, but expecting the worst. 

did my first hike with daisy and rich, something that became incredibly fun the few times we did it, even though this first time, we didn’t get too far. we’re hoping to get back into it relatively soon 

did the hollywood hike again with matty 

went with taleeah to get her tattoo. she got the email about getting laid off that morning, but she didn’t let it get to her. a couple days later, i got my email.

i had seen that benny’s band was doing another show, and i was determined to go. taleeah said she would go with me. i was scared as hell, but i messaged my coworker troy and asked him about it, since he’d gone the show a couple weeks prior. it looked like a real possibility. i didn’t message benny at all LMFAO

on october 30, i got my eyebrow pierced. it was something i’d had in the back of my mind for years. now that i didn’t have to worry about staying in disney look anymore, i decided to say to hell with it. later that day, i did go to benny’s show. another one of my favorite days of the year, for sure.

i was messaging troy beforehand so that i could meet up with him. i was too scared to go with only taleeah. i needed someone that benny and i both knew there. 

i saw benny, and avoided him like hell. i hadn’t been this nervous in a long time. 

troy finally showed up with his girlfriend, and we all talked for a while. finally, benny was about to go on, and he was putting his instruments on the stage. he saw me. did a double take. put down his drum immediately to hug me. it was nice. 

after his set, taleeah and i sat at a table outside, and this other person we’d been talking to, brandy, sat next to taleeah and talked with us. then benny joined, sitting next to me. we talked all night. 6 hours absolutely flew by. i was on cloud 9. we all made a group chat to go hiking. and it actually ended up working out. benny hugged me goodbye and asked for my number, although i merely said it was in the group chat LMAO

hiked again with daisy and rich, and we got farther this time. it was autumnal up there in the mountains. 

went to a sexy santa halloween party that mindy threw. i looked good as hell

election day came and went without a winner. nerve-racking. 

went to downtown disney with melanie and delaney. it was nice to catch up with them for the first time in months 

biden was eventually officially projected to win. it was a surreal moment, a calming moment, a moment of peace. what a long, strange trip it’s been, that’s for damn sure. 

actually went on a hike with brandy and benny. unfortunately, taleeah had been getting bad vertigo and had to bail. i couldn’t believe it had worked out in some form, though. i was hanging out with benny outside of work. 

my quarter was once again coming to an end, and i finished it pretty unenthusiastically. although i had registered for the next quarter, i knew that with my impending layoff at the end of the year, i wouldn’t be able to continue on for free. eventually, i withdrew from the next quarter. i’ll probably pay out of pocket, but i’m still weighing my options. that was probably the most devastating part of my year. getting over halfway done with a master’s degree for free, well on my way to complete it in just one calendar year, and then having that ripped away. but i do try to remember that i got over halfway in 2 quarters. that’s nothing to sneeze at. and i’m beyond grateful. and i will finish it, hopefully in the next year or so. 

brandy randomly called me a few days after our hike and asked if i wanted to do another hike. i said sure, although not that same day. we did another hike, this time just us two. i wondered if that meant anything. i hoped not. he did ask me out at the end of that hike. i turned him down, and it wasn’t a big deal at all. i’m very glad we’re friends. we continued to do hikes separate from the rest of the group, and i actually told him the next time about benny.

hiked with daisy and rich again, this time in snow. it was absolutely beautiful, although terrifying sometimes. what a way to kick off the holiday season. 

benny invited us to a bonfire at his place, and i was the only one of our group to go. i met his friends

got my 1 year service pin LMFAO 

started really going on weekly hikes with brandy, usually once during the week and one on the weekend with benny and taleeah, as well. the weekend get-togethers turned into sometimes doing stuff other than hiking 

went to downtown disney and the newly opened buena vista street with rozi and alejandra. once again, i looked good as hell. rozi posted a picture of us all on her insta, and tucker hit me up LMFAOOOOOOO

zuri invited me to thanksgiving with her family. they were so fucking lovely and welcoming to me. i will never forget it. 

the next day, met up with rozi in la and went to citywalk for the first time. then we went to hollywood blvd just because. we met up with alejandra and were tourists for a minute, ending the night at the grove, where we went to umami burger and i got a black burger bun that turned my shit green LMFAO 

went with alejandra to get her tattoo. it was so much quicker than taleeah’s and i was surprised lol 

went to company d a few times toward the end of the year, including once with mindy; afterwards, we went to the knott’s version of downtown disney 

later that night (december 8th, to be exact), taleeah, brandy, benny, and i all went to downtown disney in the evening and then came back to our place to watch the princess bride. what a night. what was supposed to be an innocent wine and movie night turned into benny and i getting extremely, extremely drunk. we decided to put on white christmas after princess bride ended. that was when i was really starting to feel drunk. benny and i ended up on the couch together, and i was lying on him after a while. i remember pointing out how hot the skinny bitch in white christmas is, and i remember him saying that i have better curves than her. we sort of started flirting. the movie ended, and brandy needed to go home. benny ended up deciding to stay over. taleeah walked brandy down, and basically immediately after they left, i asked benny if he’d ever kissed anyone. he said no. i asked if he wanted to. he said yeah. we kissed. and then kissed some more. lmao. we laid together on the couch for the rest of the night, dozing off and kissing in between. we went to my apartment’s rooftop to see the sunrise and talked for a while. he left around 8am or so. we kissed goodbye. i sat on down on the couch and thought and thought and thought. 

i was absolutely shook. goddamn. rozi came over later because we were going to go to laughlin again with alejandra for a few days. i enjoyed rehashing the events of the night.

we left for laughlin, and the morning of (in the dutch bros line, coincidentally), benny texted me to officially ask me out. it was cute. 

it was great couple days—we went to the hoover dam and then to oatman, where there are wild burros that roam the streets of that dated section of route 66, and even spent a night in vegas at the stratosphere. rozi and i went on the rides at the top of it, which was fucking insane, and we all walked the strip, which i’d never done before. i always think of the partridge family when i think of vegas. 

after coming back from laughlin, taleeah, brandy, benny, and i all went on a super short “hike” and then came back and watched white christmas for real this time. benny and i hadn’t gone out yet (this was the first time since that eventful drunken night), and we barely touched all night. all 3 of them separately told me how awkward it was, but i didn’t really think so.

finally went on our date. it was the first real date i’d ever been on, apart from the in n out thing tucker and i went on more than a year prior. it was cute, innocent. benny doesn’t drive, so he had his friend chauffeur us to this hipster food hall 😂. we ate and talked (i do lowkey hope to educate him on some social and economic issues), and then he had had plans for a bonfire at the beach, but it was getting late and the beach was closing. so, we went back to his place and had a bonfire there. he finally asked if he could kiss me again, and we ended up taking things back to his bedroom. it was really late by that point, and i didn’t want to make his friend drive me back home. so i stayed over. it was a good night. when i left in the morning, i told him to buy condoms.

brandy, benny, and i hiked black star canyon finally—a good hike, although we lost brandy for a bit because he was rock scrambling so much faster than us.

the evening of the 23rd, benny and i had our second date; we went mini golfing and then came back to my place because my roommate had thankfully left that morning to go home for the holiday. this was the first time i’d ever brought a guy to my place (apart from a couple hours at carnegie with tucker). we watched home alone 2 and a few episodes of seinfeld, and we finally had sex. it’s the only time we’ve done it so far just because it’s so goddamn hard for us to have time alone, but it was nice. i liked having him next to me in my own bed for once. 

the next morning, he left. it was christmas eve. it was the best christmas eve ever—i ate a shitload of food and just chilled without having to deal with my roommate. 

christmas morning, i woke up and had a lovely morning—worked out and chilled out and even had a zoom call with my family. daisy and rich invited to me to spend christmas dinner with them, which was such a kind gesture. we had delicious food and watched some of die hard and then the jim carrey version of a christmas carol. i came back for a peaceful evening by myself.

i was honestly missing benny and still had one more day before any of my roommates came home (and a few more days until my actual roommate came home), so i invited him to stay over again. i like just being in his presence.

brandy and i went on one final outing before the new year, working out and doing a short hike in bolsa chica. views of the snow-covered mountains on one side and the goddamn pacific ocean on the other made me think about the unusual, very particular perfection of southern california. 

my roommates and i decided to have a very small kickback for new year’s eve. in the couple days leading up to it, we bought decorations and planned food. taleeah and i returned our costumes finally, the layoff to go into effect the next day. it was strange to think only now, 9 months since we’d last worked, were we to officially separate from the company. it was a good run. 

that same day (the 30th), taleeah, brandy, benny, and i all had one final hangout of the year--a boat cruise in newport to see the holiday lights that the rich people put on their houses. benny put his arm around me. we were close to each other while we gazed at the lights. i was happy. one last bit of holiday fun before the worries of 2021 arrived at our doorstep.

new year’s eve started out uneventful, but became an incredible night. i wore a fucking hot dress. (it’s become so nice to see myself and be proud of the way i look. i know it’s probably shallow to have become so focused on the way my body looks, but i am proud. i have become strong. i have become pretty fit. and i like that about myself. i think it reflects something so much deeper about my outlook on life.) the only people we ended up having over were benny and taleeah’s date, martin. brandy ended up having a sinus infection and couldn’t make it last minute, and i had invited mindy and her boyfriend, but they spent the evening at his family’s house. so it was just taleeah, martin, benny, dalenna, and me. lmao. it was pretty fun, though, once the boys had arrived. we played a music trivia game, listened to music, and ate pizza. benny and i were the only ones really drinking, although taleeah had a bit, as well. a little before midnight, we found something to stream for west coast time, and when the clock struck midnight, we all toasted with the fancy prosecco that benny had brought (minus dalenna) and i kissed him. i’d never had a new year’s kiss, especially not one right at midnight. it was wonderful. and then we went onto the porch and blew our noisemakers and yelled out happy new year, and fellow residents came out and said the same. it was nice to have that human connection, even in times like these. and then we decided to go to the roof, and we again yelled out happy new year on our way across the street, and people came out onto their porches and said the same. we gazed at the lights of anaheim and the lights in the sky. we saw a few fireworks. benny and i were making out, and so were taleeah and martin. benny and i snuck off for like an hour to a dark little section of the roof you’re not supposed to walk on. eventually, we rejoined the other two and we all talked with a guy playing his guitar named cowboy chris. it was cold, so we came back to our apartment after a while. benny left around 3 or so, i believe, to catch a flight to cleveland with his friend. i walked him down and we procrastinated the goodbye for a good few minutes, and then i came back and went to bed. and then i woke up, and 2020 had truly been kicked out, and 2021 had started with a nice stimmy direct deposit. 2021, be good. there is so much promise for this year. i’m excited, albeit wary, to see how it all plays out.

over the year, some things were constant or else developed slowly over months:

really grew to love working out. i still absolutely hate gym culture and i really don’t like to broadcast my exercise, but i love doing it so much.

listened to music truly in a new light—who would have thought i would come to branch out more than i ever have, to see how cool and beautiful and noteworthy absolutely everything is? i know that that is not news in any way, and i know that i have a lens that i look through that i need to work on widening. but at any rate, i am so thankful to my friends for letting me in to their own libraries. 

missed driving, as always, although i am very content to not have to deal with the stresses and expenses of having a car. i just wish i had more friends who also didn’t have cars so i didn’t always feel indebted.

missed my job like nothing else. autopia is the best place I have ever worked without a single doubt in my mind. the people i work with, the leads, the job itself. it is fun and involved and just plain cool. i hope to return, although i don’t really think i will. who knows, though. 

tried to support gavin newsom with all my heart. he has made his best efforts, but i just wish he wasn’t so hypocritical. i will continue to support him, though, i think, but without such a star in my eye.

toward the end of the year, played among us a few times with my group from florida. i forgot how much i miss them all.

songs of the year: “before the deluge,” jackson browne, “all the debts i owe,” caamp, “which way are you goin,” jim croce. browne’s lyricism and intonations just strike you--gently, but with a certain meaningful force that i don’t feel too often. i think of “before the deluge” a lot and i relate it to my own life throughout 2020, in an abstract sort of way. 2020 gave so much to me, yes, and i feel gratitude for it. but it certainly was a deluge unlike many of us had ever seen before. and we haven’t gotten past it yet, but we are doing our best to “keep our spirits high” and “keep our children dry”--and songs like this make it easy for me to keep up that state of mind. “all the debts i owe” always makes me think of blake, how he had to leave but maybe he’ll be back one day. i remember listening to that song on the bus to work back in january and february, so captivated by it. i had no idea how the lyrics would soon become so close to me. and then “which way are you goin.” croce will always have relevance in the most unpretentious and poignant manner. 

what a goddamn whirlwind. 2020, the year that no one could have fathomed, the year that we’ll say we barely got through—hell, so many of us didn’t make it at all. and that is unjust. the pandemic made its mark on us all, transformed us all. and i’ll speak to that in a minute. but the conflicts, the war crimes, the ignorance, the unwillingness to listen and compromise and communicate. this year, people strayed far too often into grotesque, violent, and inhumane realities. azerbaijan’s control of artsakh was such a blow for armenians, the result of an awful and unnecessarily (and unjustifiably) violent war. and the western world often glossed over it, and continues to. i unfortunately still remain pretty ignorant on the issue, but it seems easy to see the layers of hatred and disgusting desire for control that have fueled that conflict. nigeria’s protests against sars spoke to the issue of major police brutality that so deeply impacts many cultures, and it’s disheartening, to say the least, that the western world also willfully remained ignorant through it all. it’s so common a grievance, but one that doesn’t seem to change. it doesn’t seem like it can, not unless some major cultural and even psychological reform or rebirth comes about. it’s the same reason i believe in communism, but i don’t believe it’s realistic in this world (although i could change my stance in time). anyway. 2020 threw obstacles like nothing else. obviously, as someone living in the us, i easily get wrapped up just in domestic issues. i’m glad so many movements gained such serious traction in a time when people are often home and are attached to their information sources. it made everything strike more deeply, i think. nothing has resolved, though. resting on laurels will make any prospect of development completely futile. persistence is fundamental.

at the end of the day, a few things stick with me absolutely always, in spite of any hardship. this life is beautiful. it is unmatched. it is authentic, challenging, full of grit and light and purity. it kicks us sometimes, and then it pats us on the back. and it is an honor like absolutely nothing else to be able to be a part of it. i let myself feel bad; it’s part of the human condition and experience, and one that has value. but through it, i never find it hard to keep in mind the grace that the planet has for us. the gratitude overwhelms my entire torso and i cherish it.

“a victory lap through these impossible days”

[aenslem]

Doctor Who Tag Game

Tagged by: @thirteenstardisfam thank youu and i am so sorry it is so super long lmao i did not mean too, but somehow ended up with it, and also i think i will make fandom hate me for some stuff about 11, but i love him! don’t you dare to think otherwise :’D

im tagging: @tennant @luke-skywalker @panlyra @stupidape @buffyrosenbergs @expelliarmus idk who of you whovians wanna do it out there feel free to say i tagged you and go on ;)

Favourite Doctor:  still Ten, i love 12 and 13 almost as much, even if not harder atm, but if it comes to choosing 1 fav doctor then it’s always Ten, so far no one stepped higher for me :’D I loved his era, i loved so many episodes with him, his season arcs, his companions, his relationships with everyone, and this is the only Doctor whose regeneration was smooth for me, he was continuation of Ninth Doctor and it felt like that. I was not like ‘but he is so different in so many ways’ nope, never. Maybe it’s because companions were the same, everyone was still around which was great btw, and I fell in love with the show with Tenth Doctor, dare I say that I stopped watching back then when Matt Smitt became doctor? lmao, must be shock for some but yes, I dropped this show because of THAT lmao??now i laugh at my own self but yeah, i did. where’s everyone, why it feels so different? that was huge nope. Only years later I got back into it, thanks to amazing Michelle Gomez. Actually I was not even going to watch other doctors at that moment, but I watched episodes only with Missy, then i said well it’s not bad I like it and Missy and Twelve were?? OOOF LOVES OF MY LIFE FOR SURE because their relationship were so cool and of course i loved it, so i started a huge rewatch, the first since i dropped the show. Fell in love with Doctor/Master all over again, Ten was as amazing as I remembered, Nine was perfect and I love him too!!! and then... i got to s5... oh god, i was like, let’s give him a chance, what do i lose? but it still felt so weird, and the show was so different, and suddenly everyone else is so important but where are old characters? but i got into it because i have already seen some of 12′s episodes and i got used to the style?? i guess. and then River appeared, not because of her but around episode 5 or 6 i was into it already, not as much as i was before but anyway, maybe weeping angels helped because i loved them and it reminded me of Ten, i felt some kind of a connection to old doctor. I liked River with 10, i thought i will like her with 11 too... but alas, still felt like you know those boys who have never had sex but try to act like they know everything about it and hit on every moving thing and think they do it cool? :D i am sorry if i hurt someone’s feelings with it, but that’s how 11 was for me back then, and while I do understand river/11 it’s the least of all river ships for me, 11 is still the least fav doctor because of those feelings i had back then when i stopped watching, they are not rational i know that now but still feel them, but i love him now, and will protect that kid at all costs! i love ponds, i will kill if anyone says anything bad about Rory Williams! and Amy and Rory? quoting my favorite star trek couple? DUDE WE GO TOGETHER OR NOT AT ALL!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! and even if i was not into all river/11 relationship i loved the story, and of course i liked 12, but s8 still feels like what the hell for me, not because of the doctor but because they tried so hard to show clara as bossy, i mean, i liked her with 11 and then suddenly they turn her into some control freak, it was not so MUCH with 11... but i know now why they did it, so Missy’s words have an effect and all. but still, i love clara before and after s8 :’D s9 clara? i will kill for her too. it’s too long but idk  :’D and actually, this shows that if you give it a chance even if you don’t like actor/actress at first - you might love the show ;) so stop acting like jodie is miscast honestly, i am ready to fight anyone for saying that :D say whatever you want about plot choices, but do not fucking act like it’s Jodie’s fault! actors are not responsible for show runner choices. She acts amazing with the material she has. anyway, 10 is my fav idiot!

Favourite Master: Missy, always was and always shall be. My favorite character in general in the show, no one tops my girl!

Favourite Sonic: honestly? i don’t really remember any sonic but 12′s glasses :D so... glasses. I mean, i don’t really care how it looks like, it does its job... most of the time lmao, but i liked those glasses and the thing with browser history was my fav :D

Favourite Companion: oh it’s soooo hard!!! either Donna or Bill. I can’t choose. but yeah, those are both with whom there were no ‘romantic’ relationship implied, i love friends more than couples. and I just loved 10 and Donna as a team and Bill and 12, i still wish they had more time. also Martha, the smartest companion lol she was amazing.

Favourite Story: anything involving The Master :D all episodes with them are my favs, but i can’t just pick one story, i still remember the first episode i watched back when it was airing and are you my mummy stuck in my head for the rest of my life giving me brrrr feeling, like it was not scary but somehow made me super uncomfortable? also vashta nerada?? duuuuude, you can’t just look at the shadow the same way. and ten/river together were really great, i mean, he did not know who is she, the mystery, i love shit like that?? yeesss!!!!! there are so many great ones. I don’t want to choose.

Favourite Soundtrack: that unreleased tiny melody when the master dies in the last of the time lords T--T and this is gallifrey and clara’s theme! those are my favs. and I also really like 11′s theme, kinda ready for adventures and doing some weird but funny shit :D

Dream Actor for next Doctor: ooooof OOOOF dude! you know what, usually it is one actor for 3 seasons, that’s how it was for the last 3 doctors, i want Jodie to break that rule and stay with us for 4th season as well, i just want to see how pissed off those haters will be lmao i really really think the entire timeless child thing will not feel the same with someone else yet, and i don’t think they will reveal much in 13th season, that’s HUGE thing, or they should make it so good and the next doctor... aaah i don’t want to feel that change again, like i did with 10 to 11, and felt with the every next doctor, but i overcome that shit and just give them a chance, it’s the doctor after all and im sure loving all of them now. not sure it can disappoint me even if most of plot choices in the season are ... weak. idk who, there are so many great actors but whoever i choose will not be as great as someone they choose, because they always somehow cast amazing people, but i agree with emily it’s time for a doctor of color! tho, they can’t go back to white male actor right now, i just can imagine how it will look like, with all the hate Jodie received and how people still whine about female doctor, it will look like they tried and decided to go back to white male doctors, one half will be happy but the other one will eat them alive! so yeah, i am pretty sure it’s not gonna be white man again yet lol

Dream Composer: idk

Dream Story: well, considering 13 is in jail now, i would love to see someone “we know” rescuing her, because honestly if they just showed me jack and left it like that, i will not accept it!!! but also since yaz will be the only one left with the doctor, since bradley and tosin leave the show, i hope we will have some yaz and doctor relationship development without anyone else, maybe jack could stay because i love him, but jack’s presence did not hurt doctor and rose relationship development back then, so it should not hurt now also. but if they bring someone new, at least don’t make it right away, let yaz and 13 have an adventure at least 1 episode, some talk and stuff. so when yaz leaves also... (and i kind of had that stupid feeling that yaz will die in the end, because somehow everything hints on that for me? idk maybe it’s because i rewatched and giffed orphan 55 today and vilma (?) telling yaz to run and stay alive kinda felt like something that hints on yaz’s future... and yaz is always going somewhere without thinking, to random alien ship, to save the doctor, she steps into trouble like a doctor hoping everything will somehow be ok, but im not even sure she hopes, it’s more like i am as good as her so i can do it, not in clara’s way when everything hinted she is like the doctor, because let’s be honest she was and even got her own tardis, but she thinks she is, but she is not, i think some day that might end bad for her... so when she also leaves i don’t want it be like well yeah, what’s next? i mean, i still miss Bill, that was like NOOOOOO with tears and screams for me, i loved Bill! and we had 2 seasons with yaz and i still don’t feel the same connection to any of the current companions atm, so i would like the show to make me love them more, i do love them, just not as much as those i still miss, but im sure defending any of them lmao i love them anyway. you know what i mean...

A Companion You’d like to see back: oh OH. we cant bring them back for entire season right? but doctor can meet Donna at some point, which will have no point lmao cos she doesn’t remember and it will only hurt doctor and i don’t see how her appearance will help any plot, it will be just fanservice cameo. But Bill is out there with Heather, they are powerful creatures now, i think it could somehow fit into the story, I want Bill back. But also, Clara is still one heartbeat away from death, she can be out there, and she has tardis. tiny cameos will be fine for me :D and Martha, but also Madam Vastra and Jenny, Kate and Osgood, where they are??? bring them back and it can make sense, their appearances. I mean, imagine someone from UNIT in s11, not unit itself but osgood??? it would feel so much different. 

An Enemy/Alien/Creature you’d like to see again: weeping angels!!!! OOOF they were creepy, and i love them, like, DON’T BLINK!!! how can you not blink for so long? that is cool, i want them back. and also the most beautiful shots are always with angels so... :’D

If you could travel with one of the Doctors, which Doctor and why?: oooh, while 10 is my fav, and I totally would hit on 13 :D i will choose 12, 12 from season 10, because he was such a grandpa, no lovey dovey stuff, he would lecture me on thing i do, give me new info about something, we would explore shit together and he would be like a grandpa i never had. We would definitely have long discussions about stuff and have good laugh together and i would make references to movies and then we would watch those movies :D i would act like Bill lmao yess i want to travel with 12!!!

[peterstanslizzie]

Re-watching Lizzie Mcguire: Episode 1.26 (Scarlett Larry)

I know Lizzie and Gordo are meant to be together but Lizzie x Larry were pretty cute too. At least better than Lizzie x Ethan lol

- It’s P.E. class and Coach Kelly is having her students perform an elaborate square dance routine. During the routine, Kate tells Lizzie that someone has a crush on her. 

And she feels ecstatic by the good news

- Miranda and Gordo begin to speculate who that person might be, from a boy named Quinn, who’s an athlete to another boy named Winston, an exchange student from Mali. However, Lizzie thinks it might be Ethan Craft and she even says it out loud enough for everyone, including Ethan to hear. Rule number 1: Do not speculate out loud.

The cat’s out of the bag and the person who is crushing on Lizzie is the one and only, Larry Tudgeman. So, Lizzie is devastated. Oh well, tough grip Lizzie. 

A Guilty Feeling

- Still reeling in from the revelation of Larry’s crush on her, Lizzie just doesn’t feel the same way towards him and most of it comes down to his appearance. I get it; He always wears the same shirt to school and he’s a little weird. But I don’t think he’s as bad as Lizzie is making him out to be. 

- Larry calls Lizzie and asks her if he could talk to her for a bit. He proceeds to ask her out on a date on Sunday afternoon. Lizzie hesitates at first but she musters enough courage to politely reject him by giving him the classic excuse of “I kinda have this thing”. And obviously, this makes Larry feel sad.

You can tell she feels really guilty for turning him down. 

- In my humble opinion, every person has the absolute right to reject someone’s request to go out on a date with them. But it’s important to do so in an appropriate manner, which Lizzie has done so. As the saying goes, “It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it”. 

- Back at home, Lizzie asks her mom for advice on her recent predicament. Jo tells her daughter that you won’t know what you like until you try it, which is sound advice if you ask me. Plus, she believes that “some of the best boys come in strange packages” and references her husband, Sam lol. 

Lizzie really doesn’t want to go out with him

- But in the end, Jo essentially tells Lizzie that she can’t tell her what’s the right thing for her to do but also tells her that boys are sensitive. Jo seems to be giving her very mixed messages but I’m leaning towards her encouraging Lizzie to just go for it. 

- Lizzie tells her friends that she will agree to go out on one date with Larry. Gordo seems fine with it but Miranda is totally against it. She thinks that it will ruin Lizzie’s reputation in school if she’s caught going out with Tudgeman. Miranda hasn’t annoyed me for quite some time now but I can sense that I will dislike her a lot in this episode. 

Lizzie Says Yes

- Lizzie bravely phones Larry herself and inform him that she has since changed her mind and has agreed to go on a date with him. And his reaction was super adorable:

Touchdown for Tudgeman lol

- It’s now Sunday afternoon and Lizzie is bracing herself for Larry to pick her up from her house to take her on this date. And surprise surprise...It turns out Larry actually wears different clothes on the weekends. Thank goodness. And he even brought some flowers for Jo. Aww, that’s sweet. 

You can never go wrong with a black buttoned up shirt

- Larry takes Lizzie to the Science Museum and luckily for Lizzie, it’s most likely her classmates won’t be there because they wouldn’t voluntarily spend their Sunday afternoon at a museum. We then get a cute little montage of them interacting with the different displays at the museum. And turns out, Lizzie is actually enjoying her time with Larry. 

This part was particularly memorable to me after all these years

- They head over to an exhibit that features a huge model of the human heart. He explains some really cool facts about the human heart to Lizzie and she is very impressed with him and his confidence. Larry reveals to Lizzie that he doesn’t care what people think of him and he says this amazing line that will probably stick with me for a long time, “Boybands are a trend, circulatory systems are forever”. 

That was really deep 

Misread 

- The next day in school, Miranda is still disappointed that Lizzie went out on a date with Larry. Homegirl needs to chill out; It’s not like they kissed or anything. Lizzie thinks that karma will serve her well with her chances with Ethan after going out with Larry. I really don’t get why they are still obsessed over Ethan?!

- But just before she could properly talk to him, Larry catches hold of Lizzie and holds onto her like she’s his girlfriend, which he thinks it’s actually the case. Like I said, Lizzie’s date with Larry was cute and all but it’s only one date. Plus, for me, it seemed more like an outing with a friend or something.

- So, Larry has been telling the whole school that he and Lizzie are an item. Lizzie comes up with an idea to pretend like she’s dating him so that she can later break up with him in private to avoid humiliating him in front of the whole school. 

- But all of a sudden, we hear Kate’s voice over the speaker along the school hallway and she announces that Lizzie and Larry are officially dating. It looks like her initial plan isn’t gonna work. Cue ‘Get Another Boyfriend’ by the Backstreet Boys:

Lizzie is better than me; I wouldn’t have played along and pretend to be Larry’s girlfriend at all

- Lizzie has gotten to the point where she cannot tolerate being his fake girlfriend any longer and she really wants to end things with him. However, they’re at gym class and they are about to learn ballroom dancing. How romantic...

- They have to pick partners and Larry obviously chooses Lizzie. Whilst dancing, Lizzie tells Larry to meet her at the lunch patio after school. We fast forward to the patio and Lizzie tells Larry that she doesn’t feel a strong connection with him and they aren’t the right fit for each other. 

This is why I look up to Lizzie; Even if she doesn’t like Larry that way, she has the decency to be upfront and honest with him in a polite way. 

- Unexpectedly, Larry agrees with Lizzie because they don’t really share anything in common. Larry is passionate about Science and Lizzie is, well....she’ll figure it out lol. I mean, based on past episodes, she did care about the environment a lot. So there’s that. 

- We get this touching moment between the two where Larry tells Lizzie that she’s the nicest person that he knows. OMG that’s sooo sweet. And he’s not wrong about that.

One of the best moments of the show so far

- And the episode ends with Larry jokingly asking Lizzie if he has a chance with Miranda. I hope he’s not being serious lmao

B-Plot: Soapbox Racer

- Jo Mcguire interrupts Sam and Matt’s afternoon gaming session because she tells them that their things are piling up and preventing her from parking her car in the driveway. She wants for them to clear their things in the toolshed so that all the excess stuff can be stored in there.    

- As they start emptying out the toolshed, they discover Sam’s old soapbox racer. Sam then comes up with an idea to polish and re-work the car to make it seem brand new so that they can make money from selling the old-fashioned vehicle. 

- They start working on their project and Gordo is even there to help them. They test the car out a few times but to no luck. If I’m being honest, I really don’t like how they structured the B-plot here. They put chunks of it at the most random times in this episode. For example, they show 20 seconds of the plot then it moves on to the A-plot for like 6 minutes, then going back to the B-plot again. It’s really distracting. 

- Anyways, this storyline ends with the three of them about to showcase their racer to the public but Sam gets into a bit of a sticky situation when he tries to catch a frisbee but he lands on the car and it start to roll itself down a road. 

Poor Sam; He always has to be the one to get hurt. Plus, their car was unfortunately destroyed in the process

Overall Thoughts

- This is one of my favourite episodes of Season 1 so far; And we only have 5 episodes left. The main highlight of this episode is how Lizzie treated Larry like an actual human being instead of some gross weirdo he was made out to be in past episodes. 

- Lizzie is definitely a character that has superior EQ (Emotional Intelligence) compared to her peers because she could have easily dismissed Larry’s feelings and reject him straight away. But instead, she chose to give him a chance because she’s aware he has feelings too.

- Larry was somewhat oblivious to Lizzie’s feelings towards him but the moment when Lizzie directly tells him they’re just not meant to be, he immediately gets the memo and acknowledges the same as well. Also, the fact that he even told her that she’s the nicest person that he knows, shows me that he appreciates Lizzie for being honest with him and for not making fun of him.

- I’ve already given most of my opinion of the B-plot. It’s just all over the place. I really don’t like it being scattered all over the episode; I would prefer it if either they group these scenes to make them longer or just not include this storyline at all. I get that Matt, Jo and Sam are also main characters but I wish they were better utilised on this show. 

[guns-n-zeppelin]

Never Say Die - 1989-1997

@lauravic asked: Hey! I just binged Never Say Die and loved it and it’s really unfortunate that it’s discontinued. Could you maybe tie it up for me and everyone else and maybe tell us just key events of what was gonna happen? Like did Axl and Amy ever figure things out and end up together? Or what you meant in the beginning of the series when Axl said that “Amy died in 1997”. Just key points to rest our minds? If not, then it’s completely fine, I just had to try and ask. I love your stuff btw

Masterlist - Never Say Die

A/N: Sure thing, love. I’ve been meant to do this actually for a long time but lmao i’m lazy af. Also, sorry i took so long to answer haha. Hope i’ll let y’all out of your sufferings now. It would have been great to finish this honestly but i’m too unmotivated to do anything pfft. Also don’t have time but uhuh. ALSO i haven’t updated this legit in 2 years probably and still i get almost every day notes to this story and the chapters, i thought at this point this would have been long forgotten or something. Wild. I’m really glad and flattered how many of you have liked my story, it always brightens my day a lot to hear positive comments :’) But i think this has atleast some of the main / biggest key events that would happen. I’m not sure if i forgot couple of them or something, but here’s some atleast. I mean, 8 years is quite a long time but khgjlh. These are just like, the biggest probs. This is reallyy shortly explained but i hope you’ll get some kind of picture of the future events.  I’m rly bad at summarising (is that a word) things, but let me know what you think for the last time ahah. But thank you again, everyone, for reading my stories :’) I truly appreciate it! Hugs <3

Quick Summary

Dave and Amy weren’t dating and neither were Axl and Erin, even though some time later Axl would end up back together with Erin again for a while. Amy and Axl took distance to each other, though Amy still kept seeing with the other guys. Some weeks passed and Amy and Axl went back to being friends, both of them managing to pretend that nothing had happened.

Amy had done some studies about journalism for some time, also before her death in her ‘original life’, and in 1989 went all the way to London for one year to try to finish them. So she ended up moving there, saying it was just one year. They would still keep in touch somewhat regularly, although it was pretty hard. After her studies, Amy got an offer of a permanent job as a journalist in London, which she took and ended up staying there much longer.

In 1990 Amy started dating a man named Adam, a young police officer, who she would later marry and have a child with as well in 1994.

Also, in the beginning of 1991, Amy met Randy again, the same man who she had met a few years ago at the record store. Though now, he was in London with Amy’s mother. At that moment, she finally found out who her father was. Randy Castillo, who would die in 2002 while future Amy had just turned 5 years old.

The next time Steven, Izzy, Duff, Slash and Axl met Amy, was in 1991 at their gig in London. They spent all time together they possibly were able to during that short time, catching up and all that. Axl had met Stephanie and Amy told the five of them about Adam as well. Steven and Scarlet were still together and Steven told Amy, that he was planning to propose her, but hadn’t told anyone else yet.

Adam and Amy had a daughter in summer of 1994, but only after two months since their child Amber was born, Adam died – he was shot on his chest. After 3 months since they had kept his funeral, Amy decided to return back to the USA, not being able to stay in England any longer. Needing to get back to her friends.

Amy was still friends with Jon as well, even after the past years and their broke up. She met with him too and chatted together catching up, her introducing him to Amber too. Amy hadn’t informed anyone else except Scarlet, that she would be coming back there, so it was a surprise to all of them. But things had changed a lot since Amy left, new faces coming up and down the stages and couple of familiar ones missing. Izzy and Steven had been replaced already, so she wasn’t able to meet with Izzy again at that time atleast. Izzy would meet Amber as well later though of course.

Matt Sorum and Dizzy Reed had already heard a lot about Amy and were eager to meet her personally. Both of them had heard about Axl and Amy’s quick affair together, but decided not to mention it to either of them.

Amy and Axl were now both single and during time both of them felt old feelings getting back up again, but refused to confess them to even themselves. But they would still get back together eventually in the 1996, when Amy was ready to date anyone again after Adam had died and when it didn’t feel like cheating on him anymore.

And Axl knew, that he would propose Amy some day, and so he did after a year and they got married for a short moment in June 1997.

But everything changed in autumn 1997, right on the day of Amy’s birthday. Unfortunately Amy died from a heart attack. She wouldn’t be able to be alive at two different places at the same time and at that exact moment she would be born elsewhere to her parents, in a hospital just a few hour drive away. Scarlet, Amber’s aunt, raised Amber, who had just lost both her mother and father by the age of 3.

It took a long time for Axl to move on from Amy, but the last time he would ever see the girl he once loved, would be in 2013 when a 16 year old girl with a Led Zeppelin t-shirt on walked past him on the streets of Los Angeles with her friends Leo and Amelie.

(A/N2: I basically obviously ignored some parts how some of their lives went like idk Steven’s especially but doesn’t matter lmao spare me with that)

[sierrabinondo]

woodland creatures tour - day 2 (columbia, sc)

after a night of stress anD FEAR we were off to our next destination, new brookland tavern in columbia, sc.  i was really excited about playing this venue because a lot of cool tours have come through this spot. 

we woke up and made a couple spots for breakfast. jaime had gone for a walk and found a lil donut shop, but not all of us were content to bomb our stomachs with a sugary donut only for our first meal, so we also stopped at panera afterwards. at quick glance the donuts just seemed like average candy-laden artisanal donuts but according to the guys they were a lot fluffier than uncle dood’s donuts (jersey’s best imo) which is insane. so i regretted not getting one, but at this point in the tour i was still trying to eat healthy (lol) and i was also intermittent fasting. they also had a sailor moon donut painting in their shop, respect.

we grabbed panera and then hit the road. we had another long drive today, which is really hard to avoid in the southeast. drives take at least like 4 hours a day to get from state to state. i put on talladega nights and if i knew this was going to be the death of me and the beginning of drunk fried chicken memes all of tour i would have not put it on lmao. everyone would not stop quoting “i’m too drunk to taste this chicken” for the rest of tour and it devolved into a littany of variations of that quote for DAYS. pretty unfair coming from the girl who thinks “peepee poopoo” is fucking hilarious, but i wasn’t vibing with it at all lmao

we barely made it in time to the hotel because we stopped a lot. pulses. got there early went to one of the food spots near the venue i put on the itinerary, and were saying in the group chat how fucking elizabeth warren was there. so random. i really thought they were joking at first but it was her. since we were running on such a tight schedule we ordered food to be delivered a lil bit after we pulled up to the venue. we got ready really quickly and zoomed out the door.

new brookland is really sick. it’s like if brighton bar was way bigger. stage is huge and there was a designated merch area with its own counter. we had a really good time just chilling before the show started. someone put on “smooth” by santana featuring rob thomas of matchbox 20 and for once it wasn’t me. after i finished eating poke a few of us went outside to explore the area. there was this really pretty alleyway that had just been painted not that long ago with super vibrant murals. matt, caleb, taylor and i went out there, and kris and tyler (who shot photo/video for pulses. this tour) took photos of us. after checking out the alleyway, i think someone saw a butterfly wing mural, and that lead to realizing that there was a whole walkway of outdoor instruments. most notably caleb hopped on the drums to play bleed by meshuggah lmao. there were also like these rainbow metal drums that looked like sperms that sounded like steel drums??? so weird. and then some other stuff too. it was really fun just fucking around.

the show actually went suuuuper well. we were scared it was gonna be poorly attended because the bill had 5 bands and it was mixed genre, however people not only came but they STAYED the whole time. it was insane. all of the bands were super tight, and they were insanely nice people. we played with foxglove, when i say jump and pet peeves. this show was really special for us and pulses. because people came through singing the words to our songs. it was so sick that pulses.’ first out of state shows had people coming through knowing the words. for like, every single show!!!! at this show santino’s cousin joe-john and his fiance jess came because they live in columbia, it was so good to see them. we also met this guy caleb who was FRONT and CENTER for our entire set, headbanging and singing the words. i’m watching him enjoying our set while we’re playing and i’m like, “do we know this guy????”

turns out he discovered us over a year ago because somehow our willow music video was placed in a crunchyroll ad, how the fuck?????? and he’s been a fan since. said he looks up to joe and santino as inspirations for guitar. god. so fucking insane. we got a picture with him and told him how much that meant to us. it was pretty surreal haha. when i was watching him while we played i was actually really worried i ruined his first time seeing us because i did make *some* goofs vocally, but i decided to not worry about it. aside from caleb mad people were moving around and were super engaged which was wonderful!!! some girl told me she broke her finger while she was dancing to us, i felt so bad. but she seemed to not mind, haha. 

our hotel for this evening was so much better than richmond, we were at a quality inn. the receptionist asked why we were in town so i told her, and she was like “huh. do you get paid for that” l o l