#also REALLY appreciate the references to trans and intersex folks in here

[abracadav-r]

going through dragon heist now for 5e and uh. i think i hauve covid and it smells like lavender in here for some reason.

[cebwrites]

Not a ask but I wanted to say I really appreciate how well u write not cis/het characters! While well meaning I often find alot other blogs a little clumsy (I dont mean to complain it's people writing for free on the internet and there trying) and I can find it a little disconnected; so it's refreshing reading you work and feeling understood. Thank you for your writing!

ANON I'M SCREAMING INTO MY PILLOW 😭😭😭🥺😭🥺🥺💕💖💓💕💖💖💕💓 long gay ramble ahead but also it's my blog and i'm entitled to my silly little opinions 💕

tldr: anon ily and appreciate you muah muah / the x reader space as a whole needs to make room for more diversity

i'd attribute it to being very queer myself, but honestly something a lot of these (overwhelmingly cis and typically het but the latter's been slowly changing for some time now) writers kind of forget, while trying their darndest to be inclusive, is that writing mlm, wlw, t4t, or just character x queer reader is that queer folks are just regular ol' people so they kind of end up missing the mark a little bit

if it's not explicitly nsfw content, i kind of find it difficult to overtly convey the reader's gender in my fics or headcanons because aside from saying it at the start or including specifically gendered pet names, there really isn't much distinction even when i want to write explicitly gay stuff for myself ^^;; (unless specified otherwise though a lot of my work, especially for law, is written with the pretext that it's t4t mlm because i'm projecting--)

and you're right! what they're essentially doing is writing for strangers on the internet, for free! but well meaning as they are, cishet writers are inevitably going to run into some hurdles and that's kind of to be expected for anyone who doesn't have in-depth knowledge or life experience with a certain topic - write what you know, y'know?

but the solution here really is just making room for/support/uplifting more queer ppl's writing and the rest will (hopefully) follow by osmosis since those cishet writers would have more content for reference and ideally also interact with queer readers/creators who'd help point out certain gaps in their writing

and when i say making room for more queer creators in the x reader space i do mean all of them (bipoc, aro, ace, demi, poly, intersex, gnc cis folk, gay trans folk, the whole kitten kaboodle) i haven't written much wlw content because honestly i find a lot more enjoyment in trans mlm stuff because i am a queer transmasc, so i make content catered towards my niche - but i'd be overjoyed to see my women/nb loving women pals flourish with content catered to them instead of the barren wasteland that is the state of fem readers x fem character, much less trans readers

all in all this comment was really really sweet of you anon, i hope you have a lovely rest of your week!! (i'm screenshotting and saving it for my feelgood pile 😭💖💕) but it also lit a fire under my ass because boy oh boy does cev have Tots And Feelings Tee Em about x reader spaces as someone who's been in them (not necessarily on tumblr though) since he was about 12 asjdfskrjgbf

[ficsex]

Hey, I just wanted to speak up about the way afab and amab are used as shorthand for kinds of bodies in a lot of the questions here. As a trans person, it makes me really uncomfortable seeing these terms used as a "woke" substitute for "female-bodied" or "male-bodied". The idea that the gender you were assigned at birth tells us what genitals you have is exactly what these words were created to get away from? You could be afab and have a penis (e.g. intersex). It just feels really transphobic.

I appreciate you sharing that! I hear you, that it makes you feel uncomfortable, and am glad you’re checked in enough with yourself that you can recognize that discomfort. 

(For those who don’t know, those are shorthand for “assigned female at birth” and “assigned male at birth”. They aren’t an exact description of genitals; they are instead what doctors write on a birth certificate based on ultrasounds or appearance of genitals at birth)

I am going to keep using amab and afab in specific circumstances, but I will explain why, in case this is helpful:

To start, I don’t usually use that language! I prefer to say “person with a penis” / “person with a vagina” / person with a prostate / etc, as I care more about what a person’s genitals look like during the sex that they are having, and less about what’s written on their birth certificate (In ficsex context, specifically. Generally, I don’t care at all what someone’s genitals look like). 

Sometimes people in the asks use that language.

A lot of those people are non-binary humans for whom that language correctly describes enough of their experience to ask me a question. I’m not ever going to tell askers what language to use for themselves. They might choose to tell me that they are “cis women” or “trans women” or “trans men” (etc.) and that would also give me some clear info about their circumstances, but that language doesn’t work for everyone. Saying “Mx. Ficsex, I’m AFAB and I’m experiencing this: ____” is telling me what they want me to know, and not telling me things they don’t want me to know. 

(I think this is mostly what you’re referring to, but I’ll go on a bit more to be clear with readers). 

I don’t think afab and amab are are a "woke" substitute for "female-bodied" or "male-bodied". They are genuinely useful phrases that explain a) what genitals a person most predominantly displayed, at least at birth and possibly now, and b) what kinds of social forces they’ve dealt with. 

On this blog (and in real life), I would never say "female-bodied" or "male-bodied". I know men with vulvas - I wouldn’t say any of them is “female-bodied”. I know women with penises - I wouldn’t say any of them is “male-bodied”. One of them might say she is ‘assigned male at birth’, though, as that is helpful information when it comes to learning about how she navigates the world, how the world responds to her, and - yes - what kinds of genitals she is likely to have, medical transitioning aside.

Definitely, none of these are guarantees. I try really hard to be specific when I am talking about trans bodies that have undergone any kind of medical transition, and if / when I talk about intersex bodies, I’ll specify that also! If you read my blog, you probably know by now that I am an over-explainer and a very precise person. I like specificity!

I read a lot of blogs by trans folks, binary and non-binary, and I check in with my trans colleagues frequently. I update my language and my teaching materials as often as I need to. As a non-trans person, it’s important to me to use the most affirming language that I can, and so I mirror the language used by these professionals and community members that I follow. These sources are still using amab and afab to describe exactly what they are saying - what sex a person is assigned at birth, and all of the baggage that comes along with that.

This is not to say that your discomfort isn’t valid - I can see that it is! Reaching out to a blog can be scary and tough! But it is to say that there is literally no language that makes every single person comfortable and safe, and all I can do is my best. At this moment, I feel like the language that I use in this blog still follows the guidelines and preferences that I see in the blogs / books / guides that I read. It also is to say that I’m not going to police the language that people who submit questions choose to use. 

If you submit questions and you have been using language like “amab” and “afab” to describe your own body or the bodies of your characters, please feel encouraged to see if there are other words that will similarly describe what you are trying to communicate. That’s a great move. But also, keep using the words that you identify with, and that is okay. 

[mykidsgay]

Defining: LGBTQIA

By Kara Kratcha

Welcome to another installment of our “Defining” series, where we unpack various terms and identities. Do you have a word that needs defining? Let us know!

Define It: 

Ah, that acronym.* Sometimes called “alphabet soup,” the long and often-changing list of letters used to describe non-straight, non-cisgender identities frequently befuddles brains and ties tongues. Before I go any further, let me break it down for you:

LGBTQIA stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer/Questioning, Intersex, and Asexual/Aromantic.

If you’re not sure what any of these individual words mean, I highly recommend you click on the link for that word and read the previous Defining entry. If you’re new to this LGBTQIA thing, then I recommend you read the entries for the letters after “LG” even if you have some idea of what they mean. I bet you’ll learn something or at least get to consider a new perspective.

Explain It:

There’s no denying that the acronym is clunky, so why do we use it? Although LGBTQIA can be a mouthful, it gives us a way to describe our community in its broadest sense.

Actually, in my experience, the “LGBTQIA community” is more like a group of loosely affiliated communities that sometimes band together out of solidarity, similarity, or necessity. Each LGBTQIA experience comes with its unique challenges and joys. However, lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, questioning, intersex, and asexual/aromantic people all have something in common: we experience gender or gendered attraction and relationships that fall outside the norm. At our best, lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, questioning, intersex, asexual, and aromantic people are specially equipped to help each other out, build each other up, and affirm each others’ experiences.

“LGBTQIA” is not a perfect way to describe the affiliations of non-straight, non-cisgender people across identities, and it’s also not definitive. Some people just say “LGBT,” or “LGBT+” if they want to be inclusive but not type or say so many letters. Others argue that the acronym should be longer, often including a “P” to stand for pansexual or sometimes polyamorous, or another A to stand for aromantic or agender.

Still others, myself included, prefer to use “queer” as a broad umbrella term for all of these identities and more. I prefer to call myself “queer” rather than “LGBTQIA” because it is both more accurate and more inclusive. I could accurately say that I am a nonbinary, non-monogamous person on the asexual spectrum with an interest in people of all genders, but that’s honestly more information than I am usually comfortable sharing and more identities than I usually care to explain or justify. Instead, I often just tell people that I’m bisexual since it requires less explaining, but “bisexual” does not capture my full experience. There is very little language available to me that allows me to quickly convey that I don’t identify as precisely male or female, and often I don’t want to out myself as nonbinary for this reason. And that’s not to mention all of the rest of my, well, queer identities! For me, “queer” communicates all of my gender and sexuality experiences in a way that “LGBTQIA” does not.

But “queer” doesn’t work for everyone. Some straight trans women and straight trans men do not identify as queer because they view “queer” as a word related to sexuality rather than gender. For example, a woman who was assigned male at birth and is only attracted to men is a straight woman and may not identify as queer. At the same time, some LGBTQIA folks do not want to be referred to as “queer” because of its history and sometimes continued use as a slur. All of us, LGBTQIA people and allies alike, should respect how each person wishes to be identified by listening carefully to individuals about their experiences and preferences and then using the language that reflects those preferences.

It seems likely to me that the way we talk about ourselves as a community with many different genders, sexualities, and experiences will continue to evolve. As a person whose identities tend toward the neglected or altogether unnamed part of the LGBTQIA acronym, I do often feel alienated from the community as a whole. Still, I appreciate that we are striving to find language that invites all of us in. Ultimately, that is what we hope to do when we string together all of those letters.

Debunk It:

• The “A” stands for “ally.”

Straight and cisgender allies can play excellent supporting roles in LGBTQIA communities and activism, but it is important to remember that allies are not the stars of the show. Asexual, aromantic, and agender identities are forgotten enough without allies claiming the small spotlight of that final letter.

• Intersex, asexual, or aromantic people don’t really belong in the acronym.

If a person feels they are part of the LGBTQIA community, then I believe that person should be welcomed and allowed to explore. Intersex, asexual, and aromantic people experience gender, relationships, and attraction that do not match up with the straight, cisgender norm, and many therefore want or need to participate in the community. We make great advocates and friends, and we need camaraderie and support too.

Plus, every time someone claims that the IA’s don’t belong, that person may well be preventing someone with multiple LGBTQIA identities from feeling safe enough to fully come out to their peers. It’s difficult to feel closeted with other LGBTQ people because they are not accepting of all of your identities. Remember, it’s very possible to claim more than one letter! In my experience, it’s extremely common.

• “LGBTQIA” is always the most appropriate way to refer to a non-straight, non-cisgender person or group of people.

Not every non-straight, non-cisgender person or group of people identifies as lesbian, gay, bisexual, queer/questioning, intersex, and asexual/aromantic. Often it is more appropriate to refer to a person or group of people by their specific, relevant identities. If you mean gay men, say gay men. If you mean trans people, say trans people, and so on. Don’t say LGBTQIA or even LGBT if you have not considered the experiences of TQIA people in what you’re saying or writing. Lumping all LGBTQIA experiences together when you are in fact only talking about a specific group or identity can make people with lesser-known identities feel more erased, not less.

• “But that’s too many letters and corresponding identities to remember!”

I feel you, but putting in the effort to learn about identities that are new to you will make it a lot easier to communicate with and validate your queer and/or trans family member. Besides, the best thing you can do for a loved one who you are trying to understand is ask thoughtful questions and then listen carefully to that person’s answers. Ask questions like, “How do you identify?” and “What does that word mean to you?” The actual person you want to learn about will be able to tell you much better than some definition on the internet.

*Yes, I know that it’s technically an initialism. Don’t @ me, fellow word nerds.

Be sure to check out the rest of The Defining Series right here!

***

Click here to read about our brilliant contributors!

[lapsed-bookworm]

1. Trans men with dysphoria don't want to he reduced to a walking vagina. 2. Intersex people don't fall neatly into "vagina haver" or "penis haver" either. 3. Almost none of these discussions are for the benefit of people with bottom surgery.

When did I say any of that, Anon. I said:

Assigned sex at birth phrasing doesn’t really address any changes in body parts that might have happened since birth (in which someone might have gained or lost different body parts), and it doesn’t take into account those who don’t fall neatly into the sex binary (like intersex folks). 

[...]

 As far as I know, some people have been able to ask for different means of talking about body parts with medical staff they interact with, but to me, it’s a different situation [it being the discussion of what terminology individuals want to use in a medical setting] than this account [@/bitchesgetriches is primarily about financial advice] using A_AB versus genital names.

I gave a personal example of not agreeing with the original anon to make a point that there is not one, universal opinion on this. I even said [“sometimes” has been bolded for emphasis here]:

I’m not saying this is what the majority of other trans and nonbinary people also think, but sometimes, using “those with [body part]” or “those who [body function]” takes into account that A_AB relies on assumptions.

I did not say that trans men with dysphoria want to be reduced to a “walking vagina”, that intersex people fall neatly into "vagina haver" or "penis haver" [there are other body parts than those that might be discussed], or that using one means of referring to body parts was a definite benefit for people who have had bottom surgery.

If you have a question about what I said, you can try submitting another ask, but I’d appreciate if you don’t put words in my mouth.