#also everyones late to everything and it literally eats into our time to do shit and i! am! so! mad!

[supercantaloupe]

not to complain about literally everything but i hate like 85% of the people in my group

[male-hedonism-and-acting-cool]

so i saw you have headcanons on ur page, so i prompt you for more, unload all ur cattonquick headcanons can be nsft go wild mate

sorry it took me so long but here are almost 2k words of my cattonquick headcanons

Felix

dyslexia/adhd combo. has no idea until like late 20s/early 30s. gets medicated, and it changes his entire life (he even gets some kind of rich boy job)

but during oxford he's just struggling and insufferable. Oliver has to do some of his assignments for him (not often. usually when Felix forgets about them entirely and doesn't find someone to pay for doing them)

had chlamydia. do I really need to explain this one? boy fucks around a lot

wants to get his nipples pierced

likes horror stories and spooky urban legends and stuff but also gets scared shitless by them

he was around 10 when his dog died. was literally heartbroken, didn't eat for like a weak. swore to never have a pet again

once during boarding school procrastinated all of his works for the last moment drank five redbulls was awake for 43 hours to finish everything and went to two finals. slept for two days straight woke up with no memory of doing any of this and didn't have a caffeinated drink again for a couple of years (he still barely passed if you care)

has super boring stories about drunk nights out (because he's rich and popular, so there's always something looking after him). but he thinks they are crazy

turns into crazy people pleaser if you as much as hint that you don't like him

​Oliver

autistic

thinks he's great at masking (he does know it's masking because he's also not diagnosed but he's highly aware that he performs different versions of himself for people and believes it's him being an evil genius or something)

is actually shit at masking. he can put his shit together and act a certain way for some time (like he did with other Cattons). but most of the time he's a little freak type of guy, and everyone notices

he also won’t talk to anyone unless he absolutely needs to (he almost failed a class because he needed to do a group project but didn’t like the group he was assigned to, so he tried to email “sorry to miss our group meeting but here’s my part of the work” his way out of talking to any them)

since they spend almost all the time together, Felix knows him in his closest to not masking state

I think his dad does have drinking problems, but he's more like a functional alcoholic so no one cares

likes reading long books. like 600+ pages long. they provide him with a sense of stability

I know he doesn't look like it, but he did have friends at school. mostly children of his parent's friends or people from his classes. he doesn't keep in touch with any of them, and it's his decision (he misses them sometimes, but it's more like he misses the idea of having friends than actual people)

started using contact lenses because Felix would always mention how he likes the color of his eyes

really picky about food and would rather starve than eat something he doesn't like. skips meals at oxford all the time if eggs at the dining hall are cooked in the wrong way or something like this

tries to quit smoking at some point later in life but decides it's not worth it with all the passive smoking from living with Felix

talks in his sleep. not much and not often, but still

becomes a writer and write really fucked up stories with dark academia vibes (partially because he turned into a fucking gremlin when he discovered academic validation and never let it go + partially as a love letter to Felix, his uni sweetheart who, let's be honest, kinda peaked at uni)

gets close with his second sister when she grows older (she and the youngest one have a similar age difference to Oliver and the oldest sisters, and their parents treated them similarly. so they bond over being ignored and forced into taking care of their younger siblings) parents treated them similarly. so they bond over being ignored and forced into taking care of their younger siblings)

cattonquick

Felix is one year older than most people in his class. because he took a gap year after school to "experience life" (get drunk in nine different European countries) and "get to know himself" (receive a couple of mediocre hand-jobs from other rich boys and make some conclusions about his sexuality). he would've been one year Oliver's senior but when Oliver was five he had severe pneumonia and was too weak to start school (like a fucking victorian child). so he started a year later and they are the same age

they do awful couple Halloween costumes (there are also people dressing as them for Halloween as couple costumes, that’s how annoying they are)

they are "facebook official" if you care (it was a big deal for possessive mentally unstable people back then, trust me, my favorite movie is the social network)

Felix has insane separation anxiety (like those dogs on tiktok that grew up during covid with their owners always around)

he would sit in Oliver's laps at parties, play with Oliver's clothes or hair while he's doing his work, ask Oliver to join him in the shower because I need to wash my hair so it's gonna be a long shower and I'll miss you and then you'll go to the shower and I'll miss you even more

but once in a while he gets angry because he feels "too needy" so he ignores Oliver for the whole day or asks him to leave if they are together

then (you guessed it) he starts missing Oliver

at first, Oliver was freaking out every time this happened, but over time he figured out to just give Felix some time and come back later. it still hurts him though that Felix believes he can just send him away whenever he's tired of him

after days like this Felix does everything to show that he loves Oliver and wants him around. he cuddles him more, takes him to a bar or to one of their special places, buys him something (he keeps track of everything Oliver mentions he likes by texting Farleigh. Farleigh fucking hates it)

but still the best way to show Oliver that he won't suddenly get bored of him once and for all one day is to stop doing shit like this. and Felix fails to do it. so they pretend it never happened until it happens again

Oliver always pulls Felix for a kiss by the collar or by his hair. he never st­ands on his toes

they did acid toge­ther once. Felix was sure Oliver would love it but Oliver had an awful trip full of maze imagery and never tried psyched­elics again

for their first va­cation together, they go to France (mostly because Felix does­n't really care for traveling, and he kno­ws that Paris is the city of love or wha­tever). there're huge protests the second day they arrived. so they only go to Louvre and spend the whole two weeks in their hotel room

after Oliver and Felix date for a while and it's clear that Oliver isn't going anywhere Oliver and Farleigh start to develop some love/hate friendship. they mostly hang out toget­her, talk shit about everyone (including each other), and di­scuss poetry

Felix is insanely jealous. Farleigh is offended Felix thou­ght he would be into Oliver. Oliver finds it hilarious (he doesn't think it's hot because he already knows how possessive Felix is, which is hot, but this makes Felix nervous so Oliv­er isn't into it)

Oliver bites. not only during sex but in general. they can sit holding hands and talk and he will just bite Felix's ha­nd and continue talk­ing like nothing hap­pened. because Felix is a little spoon, he will often wake up from Oliver biting into the back of his neck and have a mark for the entire day. Felix gets used to it surprisingly eas­ily (and by gets used to it I mean he finds it unearthly hot, to­uches marks that Oli­ver leaves on him all the time and serio­usly thinks about ge­tting a tattoo of Ol­iver’s bite marks)

and yes he does call Oliver a vampire

Oliver has a couple of slightly worn t-shirts three sizes bigger for Felix to borrow (when they st­art living together a couple slowly turns into a whole drawe­r)

they never really lived in saltburn to­gether. but they went here for summer

when they start li­ving together (right after oxford they move into a two-story apartment) Oliver insists they both sho­uld have an office as some personal spac­e, mostly because he needs to get his wo­rk done. Oliver’s of­fice is very old-fas­hioned, with dark wo­oden furniture and tall bookshelves. he also gets a reproduc­tion of the Saltburn maze game. Felix do­esn’t know what to put in his office bec­ause he doesn’t need a fucking office. his only idea is to commission a portrait of Oliver, so for a couple of years (until he gets medicated and finds a rich boy job) his office has blank wall­s, a portrait of his boyfriend with a de­sk and a single chair across from it and nothing else. he en­ds up spending most of the time Oliver works on the couch at Oliver’s office any­way

Oliver has a lock of Felix's hair in a locket. very 18th century gothic poet style (Felix knows ab­out it btw. it was an anniversary gift)

Felix introduces Oliver as boyfriend, then fiancé, and then husband. Oliver al­ways introduces Felix as his life partner

they get married after six years toget­her

Felix is the one to propose (he waited for Oliver to do it, but Farleigh once told Oliver that he would look like a des­perate social climber if he proposes and Oliver internalized it immediately)

Oliver writes Felix love letters even after they’ve been together for years. full of admiration for small daily things Felix does, about how godly is even the way Felix brush his teeth; about small nice things that hap­pened to him because there’s no one in the world he would ra­ther share it with (much like Nabokov’s Letters to Vera)

Oliver doesn't bel­ieve in soulmates, and Felix claims to be personally victimiz­ed by it. but Oliver just loves to see it as a result of hard work they put into it. he doesn't think they were simply destined to be togeth­er, he believes it's years and years of them choosing to be together, choosing each other when there were so many easier options

as for nsfw

I don't think they have sex with penet­ration often

like Felix has oral fixation, and Oliver just prefers doing things with his han­ds or mouth

Felix is really vo­yeuristic and huge part of their sex life is just Felix putt­ing up a show for Ol­iver and Oliver watc­hing

Felix likes to do cookwarming (oral fi­xation + it grounds him and his adhd bra­in)

Oliver is really a service dom whatever Felix wants Oliver will find a way to do it

but his personal favorite is rimming Felix until he's all wet and finish him by sucking him off and fingerings him at the same time

[ateezivy]

how ateez act now that ivy is out of hiatus

warning! mentions of ED (eating disorder) and mental health issues.

hongjoong

so cautious with her, as if she’s made of glass

always asking if she’s okay, if she needs anything

honestly he’s kind of just up her ass 😭😭

and he doesn’t plan on stopping that

he watches her eat, workout, practice, everything. making sure she’s not over doing or under doing anything.

“how are you feeling today oliv” “do you need help with that ivy?” “you shouldn’t be pushing yourself so hard yanno”

she can get a little frustrated with him from time to time, but she takes a deep breath and reminds herself there’s a reason for his concerns.

seonghwa

he’s the one bringing her food, keeping her hydrated, everything.

always asking if she’s eaten, had water, had a shower, brushed her teeth.

if she’s having a bad mental health day he helps her out a lot

praising her 25/8 honestly

you would think she’s a goddess from the way seonghwa speaks to her.

“ahh, our pretty livvy is awake” “jisoo-ah, have you had any waffles yet?” “ivy, why don’t you take a break, grab a water and snack”

she feels like royalty around this man.

yunho

he’s pretty cautious too, but definitely still the same yunho.

he knows she doesn’t want to be treated like a patient everywhere she goes, so he treats her just the same

but he is definitely more protective and cuddly with her

she get up to use the bathroom and he’s immediately asking if she’s okay

“ivy-ah, want to go grab something to eat?” “how are you feeling today?” “oh, ji, be careful where you’re going, you know you bruise easily”

yunho is still her big cuddle buddy.

yeosang

yeosang… he was very upset when i’ve left. there were times where he blamed himself even.

so now, he’s been clinging onto her for dear life.

he never wants her to feel the way she felt before she left. so he’s going to make sure she never does. that his buddy.

they go out and do things all the time together.

they stay up late just to talk about random things.

“i’m so glad you’re back” “wanna rant?” “you know i tried this new restaurant while you were gone, you should try it”

she’s never felt closer to him.

san

he’s so freakin happy she’s back !!

he’s jumping up and down just thinking about her return.

he wants to hang out with her all the time.

but he’s also there to protect her as if villains are after her.

keeps her entertained while she eats so she isn’t thinking too much about it.

“ooh, wanna hear what happened the other day-“ “let watch a movie, i’ll grab the popcorn” “YOU’RE HOME”

she feels so loved

mingi

he cried when she came back.

if it’s a bad mental health day, he’s helping her with everything from showering to eat to brushing her teeth.

cuddles for hours, with snacks, movies, and a shit ton of blankets.

will not let go of her, sleeps in her room with her and everything

he’s glued to her, she’s not going anywhere ever again.

“come here, let’s take a nap” “you are that chicken i bought you right?” “you are beautiful”

she’s never felt more appreciated and loved by someone. mingi is her soulmate.

wooyoung

he’s all over her

literally non stop cuddling and everything since she’s been back

mingi has had to pull him away just to talk to her many times.

he will feed her if it means he doesn’t have to move away from her

he was a little cautious when she first came back, but it didn’t take long for everything to settle in

“ivy-ah. how i’ve missed you” “oppa, i’ve been back for a week”

“our ivy-ah is the coolest” “i’m cold” *smothers her*

yeah she hides from him but she loves him

jongho

he missed her so much, and it was so obvious to everyone around him.

so when she came back he did get a little emotional, which can be rare coming from jjong

he’s really soft with her, doesn’t want anyone pushing ANY boundaries

he protects her 24/7 like her personal bodyguard

he lets her do anything she wants. literally anything.

she can never do wrong

“welcome home jisoo-ah” “are you okay? do you need anything?” “yah, watch your mouth speaking to her like that”

she’s never been so grateful

taglist: @atolua @skzfairies @itzy-eve @cixrosie @stopeatread @alixnsuperstxr @smh-anon

[snippychicke]

For the Sake of a Smile (V.2) Chapter Sixteen

Title: For the Sake of a Smile (Revised)

Overall Rating: Mature (18+)

Chapter Rating: M for Mature. We've begun the 18+ content

Trigger warnings: Nothing beyond the child abuse hinted in the series, though we do explore the consequences a bit more.

Main Pairing: Balam Shichiro/Reader

Summary: Hell on earth was your motto for your job. Granted, you were pretty sure earth really was hell, considering the shit you had seen in your life. And the fact your coworker was a child. 

A child named Suzuki Iruma, in fact. A kid who’s life was decidedly worse than yours, but yet he smiled despite everything. It wasn’t long after meeting him that you decided you’d do a lot for his smile. Including summoning a literal demon and signing your soul away.

But as it turns out, hell (The Netherworld, actually) was a lot better than living on earth. Demons were more humane than a lot of humans you knew.

And Iruma’s smile wasn’t the only one that would change your life.

Masterlist | Ao3| Mairimashitai! Simps Discord

"...and then Purson started talking, and he didn't quit," Iruma explained in between bites of food. "He went from not saying a word to talking more with one breath than I thought was possible."

You recalled the lavender-haired child that you frequently saw tagging along with the rest of the Misfit class; he was quiet with an unusual apathetic expression on his face. Yet every time you went to ask if he was okay, he'd disappear into literal thin air.

Now, hearing Iruma's story, it made far more sense than the 'apparition haunting the library' like you had been leaning to believe. 

"And then it turns out he's the Pixie! You know, the mysterious trumpet player?"

You, Sullivan, and even Opera nodded. Everyone at Babyls knew about the trumpet player that announced the end of the school day with their vibrant and usually quick-tempo pieces.

"He has to be part of our musical!" Iruma continued with firm conviction. "Not just because he and Elizabetta need to rank up two ranks, but because he deserves the recognition!" 

His determined expression and conviction was heartwarming and inspiring. However, it was also partially ruined by his cheeks puffed with food, reminding you strongly of a hamster hoarding its food.

Well, maybe not not ruined. But the adorable picture Iruma created definitely outshone his words. 

"Why don't you focus on eating now, and plan later," You offered, biting back a smile while Opera pushed the tray laden full of desserts closer to him. Iruma eagerly accepted the idea and helped himself to some of his favorite pudding.

"What about you?" Sullivan asked, turning towards with an innocent smile. "Anything interesting happened today?"

You stared at your food acutely aware of everyone's attention now focused on you, full of expectation. You had heard the rumors that had circulated when Shichiro was late for his class, which had been the Misfits of all classes. 

You knew that this confrontation was inevitable, but you had yet to figure out how to deal with it. Your instinct was to deny, deny, deny, but… you knew that wouldn't work.

Besides, Shichiro was nothing to be embarrassed about. In fact, just thinking about him fills you with a sense of warmth and happiness.

You just… didn't want to share how far your relationship had progressed over the lunch hour. Even if you replayed it repeatedly in your head all afternoon. And had plans recalling every detail when you had time to yourself tonight.

"I mean, I already told you guys we started courting," You said as you stabbed at the eel-like meat. "So of course we're going to spend time together when we can. We just… kinda lost track of time."  

"My baby girl is growing up so fast!" Sullivan cried happily, as if completely oblivious to how not-so-innocent your words sounded. Or, perhaps, oddly delighted considering his next statement. "Soon, I'll be able to hear the little click-clack of tiny clawed feet running around! And my beloved grandson will be a big brother!"

"Dad!" You protested, feeling yourself turn red at the implication. 

You forced that thought away and glanced over to Iruma, a little worried about his reaction to Sullivan's words. After all, he finally had a family he deserved - and you could completely understand if the thought of having to share his family would cause some… issues. 

You could easily imagine being in his place, and the thought of having to share your newfound family would make you very jealous and even angry. 

Except the boy was grinning excitedly, obviously not at all bothered by the idea. Part of you relaxed as you realized he wasn't hiding any pain or anger at the thought.

But still… "We just started courting! Literally yesterday!" You protested as you turned back to your adoptive father. "It's far too soon to think about… about…" 

Children. Babies. With Shichiro.

Taking his huge girth in a different way. 

"Big brother?" Iruma asked, still obviously excited though there was a slight hint of confusion in his eyes. (And thankfully derailing your thoughts, preventing them from going much farther). 

"Look, Shichiro and I haven't had any kind of discussion about this," You stated softly yet firmly, hoping to end the conversation. "And I really think it's too early to start daydreaming about any kids."

Iruma was persistent as he slowly made his way to your side. "But, if you do… I'll be their big brother?"

You gave him a slight frown, confused by his question. Wasn't it obvious? "Well, yeah? Of course."

You soon ended up being tackled by Iruma as well as Sullivan. You squawked in an undignified manner, feeling rather squished between the two.

And then Opera draped themself over your shoulders; a picture in their hand to show you.

It was a photo of a young boy with white fluffy hair smiling at the camera while holding a small lizard creature towards the photographer. You could barely see long, large, too big for his body chick-feet - which made the picture even more adorable. It took you a moment to realize it was a very young Shichiro before whatever caused his scar.

A small squee escaped your throat despite your best efforts as your maternal instincts reared its head, temporarily overcoming your common sense.

He was just so cute!!! It causes your heart to squeeze unexpectedly, lost in those wide dark eyes both so similar and different from present-day Shichiro.

For a brief moment, you could easily see yourself mothering a few mini-Shichiros; those big feet and fluffy hair and that adorable smile, and then Iruma happily helping out and playing with his younger siblings - because he would be an amazing big brother. He'd be so kind and attentive as an older brother, showing interest in whatever they were playing with and carefully teaching them life lessons....

Oh. Devi. They had successfully corrupted you.

"Now dear, you need to cinch the deal and offer him something in return," Sullivan explained as he finally pulled back, a glint in his eye as if he knew your thoughts. "Show him you're just as serious about being in a committed relationship by giving him an Offering of your own." 

"Wait, what?!" 

--+--

Hours later found you no longer floating on cloud nine, but clutching to a plushie as you hid in a blanket fort that you and Iruma had built in your room.

Ever since Iruma's confession about missing the good part of the old days, you had made sure to set time aside at least a few nights a week for just you and him to spend time together. Which sometimes meant building a blanket fort in either his room or yours, and hiding away with plenty of tea, cookies, and occasionally one of the video game consoles to play.

Tonight though, it was just a flashlight keeping the fort lit and a small army of plushies as you brainstormed on the information Sullivan had dumped on you. 

"I have no idea what to get him!" You admitted with a whine as you buried your face in the pink monster plush, feeling less like a mother at the moment and more like a big sister. But, you didn't exactly have anyone else to talk to, and Iruma seemed unbothered by the topic of conversation.

In fact, he had a thoughtful expression on his face as he mulled over your words, squishing his own green frog-like plush. "I think he'll love whatever you get him, really."

"Maybe," You agreed reluctantly. "But… I really want to, you know, impress him." 

You looked at the bracelet on your wrist, which had mostly returned to its normal state. Shichiro had admitted that it had been an impulsive gift, but you loved the uniqueness of it.

You had to reciprocate. 

To your surprise, Iruma giggled. "Mom, I think you're stressing over nothing."

"They're customs are different!" You argued. "What if I fail some sort of standard? What if I do something that’ll make him hate me? Give him something that's rude, or inappropriate, or--"

"Mom, it's Balam," He calmed you, nudging you slightly and stopping your downward spiral. "He knows we're human. And really, it may be a bit different, but I hardly think it's that different. We've made it this far without any issues!"

You huffed, part of you admitting he had a valid point, but at the same time some intrinsic part of you was defiant and insisting that you were going to screw everything up.

"... have you ever dated before?" Iruma offered after a moment, striking at one of the core issues. You hadn't. You had never really been in a position where you felt comfortable to open yourself to another person like this. Sure there were one night stands and casual hook ups, but none that you had wanted to have a long, actual relationship with. 

Which was a big thing that still terrified you on some level. 

Your silence was proof enough for Iruma. The boy sighed, "And all I know are from books and manga…"

You smiled despite yourself. How have you been blessed with such a sweet boy? "Well, we've both had rather hellish lives until…"

"We were adopted by a demon lord and started living in the Netherworld?" Iruma finished with an amused tone.

"Exactly."

Iruma perked up, "Hey! Why don't you give him something from Earth?"

"How? We have no way of getting back." Though the idea was tempting. Knowing Shichiro, he would be elated with anything from Earth. Even if it was a handful of weeds or something like an ant farm.

"Did you bring anything with you?" Iruma asked, awakening an old memory. You did have your purse with you when Sullivan brought you here. So many months had passed since then, however, you honestly had no idea what might be in there.

You scrambled out of the blanket fort and made a bee-line for your closet. You dug to the back of the walk-in where your earth items were stored in a simple box, with your old shirt and pants lay on top. Opera initially wanted to burn them because of the blood and ink from your Summoning ritual - along with the other various stains - but you had protested enough that they had relented.

It… had been one of your best outfits before. Now, you could understand why Opera wanted to trash it as you looked at it. The outfits you wore when you helped with chores looked ten-times nicer. You wouldn't even want to wear the outfit to muck the nightmares' stable.

It was a stark reminder how much your life had improved.

Iruma reached you after you found your purse and was digging through it. But all that was in there were some cheap sunglasses, feminine supplies (which you no longer needed, thanks to the miracle of magic potions to quell your cycle), a few stray bills and coins (the remains of your savings, now absolutely useless), an old tattered book you had bought at a second hand store (well loved and showing the wear and tear of being shoved into your bag), a couple of rocks you had seen and thought they were neat, a thick keyring full of keys you needed for work, some very dried out bubblegum, and half-used lip balm.

Nothing that struck you as something worthy of a gift. In fact, they felt more like harsh reminders of a time when all of these items meant so much to you. So much so that you had to carry them everywhere. 

Now they seemed so utterly trivial and useless.

You sighed in defeat, slumping against the wall and allowing Iruma to sort through the items. What you wouldn't give for something like a biology book. Or a plant of any kind, even a dandelion or tuft of grass.

Would - could - Sullivan allow you to return just to grab something from your old home? Surely there would be something there Shichiro would love….

"I think the books and rocks would be good," Iruma said, holding the items up. "He would like those."

An argument sat on your tongue, looking at the book-- a cute romance story to be sure, but it certainly  wasn't anything really thrilling. And the three rocks were barely bigger than pebbles but caught the light and sparkled faintly, which is why they had caught your attention.

But, you really didn't have any better ideas. And they were from Earth. Would that be enough?

"...if I can't find anything else," You agreed with a sigh, and hoped Shichiro would feel like the meaning of the gesture meant more than the gifts themselves. 

--+--

By the next morning you hadn't thought of a better idea - let alone find something you thought would be more impressive to give to Shichiro as an offering.

So you tucked the book and stones in a small box, then hid them away in your bag as you waited for Shichiro's lunch period. While the morning was filled with helping various first-year classes prepare for the music festival, it still seemed to drag on as you kept worrying about his reaction.

Would he appreciate the gesture? Or would he find it anticlimactic?

Lunch approached, and you went to the cafeteria to pick-up a meal you knew Shichiro enjoyed before making your way to his Prep Room.

Despite your nerves, his office still felt like a safe and cozy space to you. You set down the tray on the coffee table before heading towards one of the many bookshelves to keep yourself distracted while you waited.

If there was a reason behind his own arrangement, it was beyond you. But to be fair, many of the books here were beyond those in the library as well, focusing on advanced subjects in biology--both for creatures as well as botany.

Though in the Netherworld, the line between the two was far more blurred than with earthly plants and animals.

A small chirp caught your attention. You looked up to the mass of vines covering the ceiling, and saw a pair of yellow spiraled eyes looking down at you. 

"Hey baby," You coo'd up at Nigyul, currently the size of a large housecat, smiling softly as you recalled Shichiro's words from the day before. "Are you standing guard up there while papa's out?"

Nigyul chirped again, and before you knew it; he jumped from the vines, apparently trusting you would catch him. Which you did - as well as have a heart attack while you instinctively clutched him to your chest, the breath knocked from your lungs at the sudden weight.

His wide yellow eyes peered up at you, quite calm and maybe happy as he settled in your arms. "You little devil," You sighed after a moment, letting out a breath you didn't realize you had been holding. "Giving me a heart attack. I am not your papa, I am not used to things like that, okay?"

He merely blinked at you, causing you to sigh once more as you shifted to scratch his head. "You're lucky you're so cute, you know? I would say something about looking like an overgrown weed, but you actually are, so…" He gave another chirp - as if he was agreeing with you, making you grin and give into the impulse to nuzzle your nose against his snout.

"Yes, you're a very adorable overgrown weed. And I'm sure I'm not the only one who's told you that. Knowing Shichiro, he's told you plenty of times as well." 

"I have, actually," Shichiro agreed, making you freeze. You slowly looked over your shoulder to where the demon was leaning against the bookcase; rather amused, judging by the crinkled corners of his eyes.

"How long have you been there?" You squeaked, almost sounding like Nigyul.

"I saw him jump down," He offered, making you blush.

"So… you heard all of that?"

"I did," He confirmed, sounding rather pleased. He shifted and walked towards you, easily wrapping his arms around you to look over your shoulder down at the dragon before he murmured quietly, "I…I really like hearing you call me Shichiro."

Your heart seemed to do a series of flips as he focused on the wooden-dragon. "And you need to behave. No giving our lady heart attacks, okay?"

Nigyul chirped again, leaning into Shichiro's hand when the demon stroked the long wild mane as you struggled with your heart pounding between his admission, the term 'our lady' along with his arm wrapped around your waist, pulling you close to him.

"I, uh, brought lunch?" You offered, your voice still a squeak. "I also kinda-got-you-a-gift." The words came out as a rush as you buried your face in Nigyul's mane, breathing in the musty scent of a forest after a heavy rain in an attempt to calm yourself.

"A gift?" He asked, tone full of surprised happiness.

"Mmhmm," You hummed without moving away from Nigyul. "Um, I guess it's customary from what Dad told me?"

His arm tightened fractionally around you, his voice dropping slightly in a way that sent pleasant shivers down your spine. "An offering?"

"Yeah?"

Nigyul moved suddenly, jumping out of your arms and onto the bookcase before climbing up to the thicket of vines. You had no time to react as Shichiro picked you up a split-second later, easily shifting you in his arms so your legs straddled his waist as you were suddenly eye-level with him.

"You have an offering. For me," He repeated, disbelieving as you automatically gripped his shoulders. 

"Was… I not supposed to?" You swore that was what Sullivan had said, but maybe you misunderstood him?

"No - I mean, yes, that is traditional, I just… I wasn't expecting anything," He explained, flustered. You could see pink creeping into his cheeks above his mask.

"It may not be as grand as you're thinking," You warned, fingers mindlessly striking the feathers covering his shoulders as you avoided his gaze. "I didn't know what to get, and well - Iruma convinced me that giving you something from Earth would be a good idea, but all I have was, well, you'll see…"

Shichiro said your name with such tenderness as his gloved fingers touched your cheek. "No matter what it is, I will cherish it. It's the fact that you are giving me something that means the most to me."

You could see the signs of a smile around his eyes, and hesitated only for a moment before reaching up to unlatch his mask; fingers easily finding the small clasps. You could feel him freeze, holding his breath as you pulled the metal away carefully.

"I-I like your smile," You admitted. "I wanted to be able to see it properly."

The surprised look on his face shifted into a smile you barely saw a hint of before he buried his face in the space between your neck and shoulder.

"Are you…embarrassed?" You said as he continued to hide his face.

"Maybe?" He mumbled against your skin, sending goosebumps traveling down your spine. "No one's said that before."

You softened and played with his hair, knowing he enjoyed that, though maybe not as much as during his molt. "I do," You confessed. "I love it when you smile, and I like being able to see it even more."

Shichiro looked up, his nose brushing yours as he rested his forehead against yours. "Devi, you're so perfect. And whatever you brought is perfect as well."

You rolled your eyes despite the smile on your face and the warmth in your chest, "Shichiro, open it first before calling it perfect. You don't even know what it is."

He shifted you in his arms to carry you instead of setting you down, causing giggles to erupt as he made his way to where the simple black box sat next to the food (that was growing cold, easily forgotten yet again). It was apparent that if you thought his skin-ship habit was intense before, you had been sorely mistaken. He made it obvious he wasn't letting go as he settled on the couch before the coffee table and perched you on his lap.

He handled the box gently, carefully opening the lid to reveal the book and three stones nestled inside. Seeing the simple objects made you feel even more awkward. He was going to realize how stupid and silly your offering was, and…

"Amazing," He breathed as he tenderly took the items out. "An actual human manuscript! And rocks! From earth!"

"It's a romance story," You supplied pessimistically, "And they're little more than pebbles."

"I forgot - you can read this, can't you?" He asked as he flipped through the yellowed pages, which surprised you before remembering Sullivan's spell when you first arrived.

"I forgot that you couldn't," You replied honestly, feeling foolish. Iruma had explained that was the basis of how his and Ameri's friendship started--her fascination with 'the forbidden texts' that she couldn't read.

Which was also a cute romance story, now that you thought about it.

Shichiro was quiet, his eyebrows furrowed as he thought. You enjoyed the serious expression, because it was rather cute and also tended to lead in interesting conversations. "Do humans have more than one language--and I don't mean different regional dialects, but a different language."

"Oh yeah," You answered off-handedly, rather thankful for the topic change. "There's easily hundreds - maybe thousands - of different languages. And there's different alphabets and such too, some of which look completely different from the others."

"But if your world is more peaceful, why use so many?"

You sighed, leaning into him a little more, "That… is a very heavy and philosophical question. But honestly, it's not as peaceful as you dream it to be. We may not have the same threats as the Netherworld does, but it's far from a utopia."

Shichiro was quiet as he rolled the stones in one hand, the clacks echoing through the room.

"Do you wish to return?"

You shifted in his lap, able to see the worried expression on his face so clearly with his mask missing. You remembered the conversation from before, of when you thought about how everything would be better if you did. Not for yourself, but for Iruma and everyone else. 

But now….

"No," You stated firmly, cupping his cheek. "I am so much happier here. My life… Iruma was my only joy back on Earth to the point I gave up everything to find him when he went missing. But here… he's not the only thing that makes me happy. Even if, for some impossible reason, he wanted to return to Earth, I would stay here."

His shoulders slumped with relief, and you realized he must have been worrying about that possibility. You leaned up and pressed a kiss to his lips to try and reassure him more.

He accepted and returned the gesture with a surprising amount of desire. Your hands ran from his cheek, down his neck before bracing against his broad shoulders while his hands settled almost hesitantly - touch feather-light. You were a moment away from reaching his hand to press it more firmly to your curves - desperate for the heavy weight of his large hands - when the scream of the class bell broke the silence.

Ah. Right. You reluctantly pulled away from his lips, though remained close enough your breath mingled with his. "I suppose you have class…"

"I do," He sighed, playing with your hair. "Unfortunately. However, my class is just next door…"

"Shichiro!" You laughed, about to argue his implication before he silenced you with a kiss. His fingers gripping you firmly as you shifted, holding you in place.

"Five more minutes," He stated - or maybe plead - between kisses. And well, you really couldn't argue with that.

Although…. "If you end up late to class again, you know we're never going to hear the end of it." 

--+-- Su-Ki-Ma--+--

"Hey Clara, what's it like having younger siblings?"

The green-haired demon blinked at Iruma's question before grinning.

"It's super-duper fun! Granted, when they're itty-bitty they like to cry a lot, but when they get older you get to play all sorts of games with them! And you can teach them all sorts of things! Like when I taught my brothers how to do the Char-Char dance!" She jumped up to show the other two the dance, though it wasn't anything like the choreography that Kerori was trying to teach them. It was wild and chaotic such that would only befit a fast-pace tempo.

"Why are you wondering about younger siblings, Master Iruma?" Asmodeus asked after politely applauding Valac's dance (though he would refrain from ever calling it that.)

The boy flushed as he scratched his neck. "Just, uh, the conversation the other day at home. I realized that someday, I might become a big brother." His usual smile faded slightly as he looked up at the sky through the canopy of the tree they were lounging under. "I've never had siblings before, and I haven't spent a lot of time around little kids either. So, as exciting as the idea is, I'm kinda nervous about it."

"Oh! Iruma-kins can come over to my house!" Clara eagerly offered. "You know my baby sibs! You can have plenty of practice there!"

"I-I have younger cousins that live with me," Asmodeus quickly interjected, not wanting to miss out on the opportunity. "They would be great practice as well! Not that you would need much, Master Iruma! You've already proven that you'll be great with younger demons."

Iruma turned red as he smiled shyly. "Do you think so?"

"Absolutely!" Both demons exclaimed at the same time.

"No matter what, any demon that has you for an older brother will be highly honored," Asmodeus continued.

"Yeah! And they'll also have me and Az-Az!" Clara clapped. "And we can be their big sister and brother too!"

The thought made Iruma relax into a grin. He wouldn't have to figure out what it meant to be a big brother by himself; he'd have his friends by his side. He'd have you, too. After all - before you had officially adopted him, he had seen you as a big sister.

Along with Grandpa, Opera, and everyone else really. Both Sabnock and Kerori had younger siblings, while Jazz and Lied had older siblings. Surely - between them - he'd figure out how to be a good brother.

[tcfkag]

2024 and the Return of the To-Done List

So, after a year during which (a) our daughter ran full-speed (literally) into the trying two's, (b) I had multi-focal pneumonia that resulted in a week or two in the hospital (including a brief sojourn in the ICU), (c) I had bizarre, seemingly inexplicable seizures for the first time ever [which meant I couldn't drive for six months...right after we moved to a semi-"rural" town...for the northeast that is], (d) had an acute kidney injury, (e) had several bouts of unexplained pitting edema in my legs, (f) started a new job that I actually really like, even if there is a steep learning curve, and (g) lost my Mom after a long battle with mild to moderate dementia/Alzheimer's that then dropped off a cliff into end-stage dementia in less than six months (depending on how you count it), and (h) just generally felt like I was never managing my physical or mental health as well as I could or should be, I'm going to try to make some changes. These aren't resolutions because I truly think that New Year's resolutions just set you up to fail. Instead, I'd call them goals. Or, at least, hope that I want to support with action as much as I can. While still giving myself grace knowing that I can and probably will mess up along the way. But, the first step is that I'm going to try to bring back a kind of journaling-like activity (since I suck at journaling) that my old therapist recommended when I was feeling like this before. Each day I make a list, generally on Tumblr for at least a tiny modicum of peer pressure, and I just make a list of everything I've done that day. No matter how big or how small. As she put it "make it your base assumption that each day, you will do absolutely nothing, so you get credit for everything, even things as simple as showering. I frequently restart these lists when my depression and anxiety have gotten bad enough that I know I'm not taking care of myself, mentally and physically, so a big part of my goals are (a) to move more [in whatever form that takes], (b) eating healthier, and (c) to take care of several medical/dental appointments that I've been putting off for way too long. The beauty of the list is that, a lot of the time, I ended up doing stuff BECAUSE of the list. So that I won't be staring at an empty page as I try to make my list each year.

Things I'm proud of today...so far:

when we took Peanut to the trampoline park to burn off some of her "no daycare today suckers" energy and this time, I bought a jump pass for myself. I only made it ~30 minutes but it was a great work-out. 10/10 would recommend.

I took the dogs for the "long" trail walk out to the back of our property,

I did a core and flexibility routine this morning,

I decided to take one for the team and point out to my Uncle that the nostalgia he feels about Aunt Jemimah as a syrup mascot isn't as important as the company making money off the likeness of a woman who died 100 years ago who was used as a stand in for the generic idea of what an enslaved (or recently freed) Black woman did or should do, and (finally)

this one is a few days late, but not only did we drive 12+ hours to visit my in-laws for Christmas, but we also stopped in NJ in both directions to pick up Monotasker's Aunt who is 80-years-old, hard of hearing, and in the early stages of dementia or Alzheimer's and I didn't even lose my shit at a single person...even the ones who deserved it.

Happy New Years everyone!

"May the best of your todays be the worst of your tomorrows." (Jason Mraz) And even if the worst of your todays are the best of your tomorrows, I hope you can still find your way out and through by the light of the moon to guide you.

[itsdappleagain]

being late for cs weekly is just gonna be my thing now, yeah? im just fashionably late always <3

anyways, its time for: the duke of vermeer caper!

aka the zack messes up and has to cover his ass caper lol. just kidding- he does a pretty damn good job. i also love seeing chase and julia acclimate to acme in this ep! ONTO THE NOTES!

going to talk about the intro being soo hot forever

pls they try so hard to pretend for a minute that the duchess isn't carmen. her first moment onscreen plays carmen's theme song

i like how it goes from our usual personal camera angles to the security cam footage!

it is carmen sandiego, actually

"we had no record of her existence until she showed up here. but we do know what she's called somehow"

fuck you devineaux i love learning about vermeer. good on chief for throwing chase under the bus

i always think of julia as veyr bookish, but she's extremely tech savvy. she's on a tablet or a phone pretty much the entire first episode, she nails acme tech immediately...

blue is totally ur color girl you can rock anything girl

love how they just have that painting out. no protection, bare fingies all over it. carmen "all history is a treasure" sandiego, yet again

it totally is ivy you could rock blonde i think

carmen "here's what we know but i'll explain it to everyone again for the audience's benefit" sandiego

love mime bomb breaking the 4th wall jhgdsajgsh he would

you can compare girl with a pearl earring here to the real one i used for my header. considering they had to animate the paintings, i'd say its a job well done translating them to cs style! maybe somewhat less vibrant, but again- style.

Fun fact: the Dogs Playing Poker wikipedia page mentioned CS

and also calls cleo a princess

player's so proud of his terrible light pun i love him

what a fucking crime that zack deprived us of a high-stakes undercover episode with one of the faculty and a hoarde of dangerous operatives all while carmen was dressed like THIS

quality is terrible sorry but you know. actually what a crime

i love the terror on everyone's faces when everything immediately goes to shit

the thought process zack went through to think that he called, they made and delivered the food within five fucking minutes,,

EVERYONE HIDING IS SO FUNNY TO ME poor ivy has to go back in the closet </3

dash haber is fucking stupid (affectionate)

CARMEN POPPING UP FROM BEHIND THE BAR AND JUST STARING AT HIM IS SO FUNNY SHE'S LIKE Z A C K i also like how zack immediately goes "UH GOTTA THINK OF A COVER UH WE'RE MARRIED" the thought process was just. good job

zack's facial expressions in this episode are so good honestly

i also love how zack went "yeah im from boston" and immediately covered up his boston accent he's so silly

poor carmen wheeze

she went "NO DONT LET HIM DO THAT" and zack threatened murder

imagine only have 33 of vermeer's paintings and not 34 what a loser

the tiny eye flutter dash does when he hangs up is so funny pls

HIS GRIN BEFORE IVY WHACKS HIM WITH THE WIG IS SO

carmen is so chill about what just happened khzghsdgh

idk thought it was interesting i never knew what that was

player what do you think the not so good news is. really and honestly what do you think

the grimace on carmen's face progressively getting deeper as zack fails to not be bostonian is so funny shes just like. eugh

also what did moving his chin possibly help to accomplish

they did zack so dirty with that monkey suit joke shdfjsagsh

carmen is REALLY calling on her cleo childhood for this one. also. poor zack actually

the obsession with making him eat fish please just let him tell them he's allergic

CARMEN IS SO FUCKING HARSH WITH HIM IM SORRY she's like "cleo's going to fucking feed you to her dogs" and then zack works overnight to make this happen and when he comes out all ready she's just like 👁️👄👁️ showtime

its literally 7am i feel so bad for him

"park the fork in my mouth" plays in my head constantly i dont even know why

LOOK AT HIM HE DID SUCH A GOOD JOB THE GRIN WITH THE EYEBROWS AND EVERYTHING. NICE JOB ZACK

they didnt go over zack not wearing a tracker before or

pls neither of the girls can drive

girl i know it is impossible to look behind you with the side mirrors in the passenger seat nuh uh no way in hell did she even see devineaux well enough to turn it. also you just took away one of ivy's mirrors nice job carmen

shes so

DIDNT I DO IT FOR YOU...

i wonder, considering carmen's other aliases, what carmen and the crew registered as. did julia see "rogue scarletina" and go hmm might be the duchess

poor julia this season wheeze

"old admirer" youve known about him for one singular week

a "klick" is apparently a kilometer. who knew. its also apparently a military term.

LITERALLY POOR IVY carmen is not treating her crew well this time around

"ahh a drawbridge" WHAT. OTHER KIND OF BRIDGE CAN YOU HACK INTO you wouldn't download a bridge

ivy has some good expressions too actually

i laugh every time at how outraged chase gets between the second and third slo-mo shot of him turning around in the car

THEY LOOK SO SHOCKED HHAHAHA

ARE YOU?? UNDERWATER??

the direction you wish to eject is so funny to me. ejecting out the bottom <3

i love how theyre just standing there like "hmmmmm is devineaux drowning??"

oh my god ivy's driving stick i would be terrified too

i would kill someone to have heard haber say "the hostess with the mostest" pls also he looks so sad about being cut off

okay so.. zack actually can speak italian and i totally forgot about that. he says "good evening, my beautiful countess" which. everyone probably knew already

he's just vomiting back up what carmen said in the hotel jhdgsgsh

the dogs ARE so cute

DASH IN THE BG OFFENDEDLY LOOKING OVER ZACKS SHOULDER AS THEY WALK AWAY

i love dash he's such a rightfully petty bitch about everything

HI LADY DOKUSO AND COUNTERFEITER FROM S3

the cleaners do everything

PLS IVY KNEELING IN THE HALLWAY TO GET THAT VERY CARTOONY SHOT OF THEM POKING OUT FROM BEHIND THE WALL

not the three digit code for the room containing 34 vermeers

have i mentioned that they FLY through this dinner party because holy shit

OKAY NOW IVY WEARS GLOVES WHERE THE HELL WERE THOSE WHEN THEY WERE HANDLING THEM BEFORE

or i wonder if its because zack and ivy are registered citizens and if their fingerprints were found on the vermeers they would be put on wanted lists??

why ivy isn't three centimeters away from the stand with the replacement i will never understand

zack you're literally on the edge of the table you have the easiest water glass to remember

that naughty comment 😭

pls that very polite chuckling around the table

love that they switch from ivy putting the fakes down to carmen doing it. makes. more sense

YEAH OKAY IF THEYRE DOING ONE SWAP A MINUTE THE DINNER PARTY BLOWS THROUGH EVERY COURSE IN LIKE 20 MINUTES OR LESS

also the shape of the vermeer room changes??

cleo glares at her champagne thats so funny

JUST. I KNOW EVERYONE IN THE FANDOM HAS SAID IT BUT JUST SAY YOURE ALLERGIC

they were so wrong for that closeup of dash's lips

ooomg so suspiscious...someone has a different taste than urs??? what the fuck augh

dash is saying the word puke but im staring at his eye makeup its so good. look at that eyeliner and mascara

cleo the worst hostess ever doesn't tell her guest to stop when he looks like he's about to vomit

THE CRIMINAL IN YOUR MIDST LINE IS SO FUCKING FUNNY IM CRYING THE DEADPAN STARES

the meat cleaver contrasted with the rolling pin

ZACK AIMED RIGHT AT DASH'S FACE SJKFDSSGH

something about how silent that button was is so satisfying

acme has blue gas, vile has green gas, damn carmen needs something

also love how they had the masks at the ready. nice. i wonder what it would have done. knock out or more sinister?

WAIT I NEVER NOTICED DEVINEAUX SKIDDING ON THE ICE AS HE RUNS OUT HAHAHA

yes i believe the phrase is actually implying that two MUST dance that tango

duke of vermeer bad ending: chase gets mauled by dogs <3

love how chase went: hm yes. the woman who just stole 34 paintings is probably on that snowmobile, which has no cargo

lmaoo the calling card

scarlet ski demon

IVY IS SO FUCKING FUNNY IN THIS BIT IM SO IN LOVE WITH HER SHGJHSGHSGDK

RED BRINGS OUT MY EYES AND COATS ARE WARM

at least she sort of offhandedly told him he nailed the role but thats literally the only praise he gets this episode

THE SHOT JUMPING TO THE CHATEAU BEING BURNT TO THE GROUND IS SOOO FUCKING COOL

chief is so disappointed wheeze

i wonder if this case is especially aggravating to chief, considering the last time she watched a vile member's property go up in flames was dexter's house

carmen's already gotten around the world with those puppies

i thought the public wasn't supposed to know that vermeers were even gone hgdashgdsgh

i would have killed for a s4 moment where julia was like "ah your allies! a pleasure to meet you! is the duchess still among you" and everyone just kind of is like. whos gonna tell her

transition sentence <3

this is set up so much like a weekly release show its hard to believe its a netflix exclusive. that cliffhanger with grey is such a week-to-theorize thing

SHADES OF GREY. LIKE. GRAY. GRAY HAM CRACKER?

GET IT

anyways aur naur its crackle

okay yeah. solid episode, not my favorite, some shining moments just like i started with. sweet! sorry its so late anddddd see you next week for the opera in the crikeycore caper

[horce-divorce]

i'm so over this delta 8 shit. like yeah it's better than not having anything but it's not weed and it's not doing the same thing. i miss weed so much. d8 makes me cough so bad, it's weak as hell even when it's really good stuff, and it seemingly has 0 cbd compounds unless you buy the more expensive, cbd added/"live resin" type stuff. it doesn't help my pain at all, and its so much more expensive than weed no matter how you slice it. plus we always need more of it bc it's so weak. those 1g carts from Michigan were lasting Bel and I about 3 days each between the two of us. we go through a whole 2g cart of d8 in that amount of time or less. it's ridiculous.

and the thing is, when i lived here before, yeah, i had like 3 or 4 weedguys i could rotate between to get real stuff anyway. not so anymore. i've been gone for almost 4 years and they've really been cracking down on drugs around here in the interim. it's given the d8 market a massive foothold, but it's seriously been impossible to find a regular weedguy. every time we've almost found a lead, we start hearing about raids or the guy goes MIA. we'd basically either have to drive to the border ourselves at this point, or just cave and use the d8 that's available locally. and we're broke, so we've been doing the latter, obviously lol

weed has been keeping me off a feeding tube for years. my doctors in michigan told me outright to keep using it because they didn't want to prescribe me opioids. and then i move back to the only state in this whole area where weed is still illegal lmao. d8 has been keeping me off a tube lately, but tbqh i don't think it will continue to. my MALS attacks have been getting more frequent (which makes my POTS a lot worse), I'm eating less again, and even when i do manage to eat, it takes so much out of me and is still so painful, I usually end up having to sleep afterwards. i'm losing so much of my day just for having the audacity to feed myself and it's making me depressed again. i'm even on an antidepressant this time!!! it's also helping a little bit with the pain, but not enough to matter in the long run. i'm still gonna end up on a tube at this rate.

i'm also just sick of living in wisconsin so that makes me cranky, too. i love who i live with, being with my boyfriend and my roommate is great, but i've spent like 16 years living in wisconsin against my will already and somehow I KEEP fucking ending up back here, always against my will, and it's always pissed me off, but now it ALSO has the audacity to be the one (1) state in the whole area that won't let me have the one medication all my doctors have agreed is saving my life. every other state touching us, on every single side, has weed. canada has weed. 24 fucking states have legalized it. but no, wisconsin has to stick it's heels in the mud and keep that boot on our necks at ANY cost, especially over a change that would benefit literally everyone and increase revenue overall. i fucking hate it here.

america as a whole needs to get it's head out of it's ass about pain management. not just cannabis, but opioids and any other alternatives, too. but of course, the cruelty is the point. they want us to be suffering. they want to torture us. they want us to be stuck in ineffective health management loops until we die. more profit for insurance companies and hospitals, less "handouts" needed back, less conscientious objectors and protestors and political dissidents to be bothersome, less noisy disabled voices calling for justice in the world.

i am determined to keep trying to manage my MALS for as long as I can without getting surgery and, hopefully, without being on opioids (not because I buy into the fearmongering, but because of how strict the rules are about being prescribed them, about the lists you end up on, the random piss tests, and all the other bureaucratic crap that comes along with it). and if we end up staying here long-term, then yeah I will be doing everything i can to try and get weed legalized here to.

but i'm just pissed. and tired. i'm sick of having to fight for my stupid little life from every single facet, like, i'm fighting for my life and kicking screaming throwing up etc and it barely even amounts to a squeak in the grand scheme of things.

welp. too bad. i'm surviving out of spite. oh, i don't matter? cool, then it won't matter if I stay alive a bit longer and keep taking those pithy handouts, i guess! thanks! 🤪

[incarnateirony]

Hey. I've noticed, even doing what I can to cull out tumblr's porn bot problem, that I've gained a few hundred followers in the last month or so. I see a lot of fresh likes, but very little conversation. So while this post is to invite that, I want to break down what's really going on here in the current fandom malarky.

The long-skewed conversation in this fandom has kind of presented an image that I bite. But for what it's worth, I bite assholes, which is why I'm doing everything I can to paywall and ask screen them away so I can zen.

I cuss a lot. But like, this fandom gotta understand. While the majority are from a very privileged and "refined" culture bubble, and the upper class came to rule the dialogue via convention paypasses to content and the illusion of access, not everyone comes from that shit.

just like the show is telling you from deep in the soul of New Orleans, like I warned you, nobody has to take your shit either. If I want to dip my hair in holy water and camp the vampires to death so help me god I will. I literally told you this a year ago, that you weren't ready for this shit. That it would be in your face, breakdancing, loud as shit, and not giving two fucks about your civility culture.

Now those old paypasses are dated and they're literally watching what republicans would scream as The Great Replacement happening at conventions, like I also warned, while we shake our mardis gras gay asses in your face, also just like I warned.

And now the open homophobic comments come flying out of hookerwitch, and a bunch of concern trolls are trying to pearl clutch that we aren't Model Minorities and Model Gays that fit THEIR view of how we should behave. No, eat shit. This is stonewall, and I don't want anyone to forget who in SPN fandom threw the first brick, and half the wall shortly after.

So now they're hate stalking and literally devoting a majority of their lives and energy to try to break past my walls and bother me, and I don't think they're understanding their own emotional investment here. They spend hours or days master planning to break into my server just to hear about me complaining about how gassy I am, or send one shit anon they thought about how to phrase for hours to try to troll, and most of it just gets screened, so they get angrier, and the hate capping and accusation throwing and pearl clutching to muddy up the dialogue begins, but we put a pin in the big racist and homophobic shit showing its face from the same recurring names. whether that be 2po, hookerwitch, whomever. Doesn't matter. Same ciswhitehetpatriarchy bullshit different day.

I cuss. I cuss about a lot. I am very enthusiastic about cheeseburgers and will say I will break a fuckers arm for a texas toms cheeseburger, and people have the context to get what I'm saying, and the culture and tone I'm speaking it in, rather than bad faith trolls. But those same bad faith trolls tried to hurt people I care about, so when they hear a real counter-threat to their threats, they hyperfixate on it, as they have, because they're scared.

They're scared because they realized they're running into my people in every greet, in every hall, in every op line. Sometimes literally. And they don't know until it's too late, and it's a different person every time, and they're realizing outside of the social club they sold themselves as small, elite and privileged that they lived in like a bubble, the convention space isn't their own any more than the show they're realizing they lost, and frankly, who they lost to, and how.

So my no bullshit attitude on concern trolls needn't scare away comments and additions from new blogs. You see my reblog ironworked and mattzerella and geeky panic additions a lot, and it's not bc we have some. Secret Connection or whatever. It's that they get it. And they have good content that always improves my content.

So whether that be adding your voice to posts (some have expressed being shy due to 2po/scripthunt/crowded table's doxxing patterns, I get that), or joining the server--remember, the Clubhouse section is free and still a lot of content. Any hour of any day you can check the Events calendar and find at least a radio event if not a group watch, a stream, a movie, a meta discussion section, a day you can take over the radio yourself, whatever. There's a lot of room.

If you follow me because you recognize the difference of someone that's very war torn as a fandom vet that has reached his end goal and is over totalitarian bullshit flying around passing itself as discussion, when it's just the noise of a cause that already lost and is getting cleaned out--by all means. Add.

The server says there's an illusion of me as some rabid dog, when I'm just really FUCKING excited about barbeque, don't let anyone tell me how I should FUCKING talk or live, and do not let anyone fucking TOUCH anyone I FUCKING care about. And they realized their time is ticking on literally everything and for the first time in their lives, they're genuinely afraid, and good.

But if you aren't that kind of problem person? Come on in. The server will probably feel like home. Or add to my posts or DM me on tumblr, though I WILL ignore and block any blatant sock accounts for the same reason as everything else.

But if you're here, slowly finding peace with the show, and looking for a garden to enjoy it in, come on in to POLOL, or message me. I'm really just a teddy bear deep down. Thing is papa bear will rip an asshole's ass apart if he fucks around in his turf or with the baby bears he already didn't cull himself in his land. But if you ain't one of those people? I just wanna cuddle and simp and talk about Supernatural and jung.

If that sounds like you, reach out some way or another.

[agent-bash]

Tales of the Cr**y Cousin

So I’m not actually going to be calling my Cousin ‘crazy’ anymore, for reasons that’ll be apparent in a sec. But I will say a large part of the delay in getting the latests chapter of Tick, Tick Boom out and why I’ve been so quiet on here lately can be squarely placed on the cluster fuck of a situation she’s put me in for the last little bit. Everything is under the cut because a) long and b) really I’m just venting here.

In a continuation of the last story where I refused to make a few dozen cupcakes for her wedding, from start to finish, including shopping for ingredients, when I was on vacation, several thousand kilometres away from where we live, and with only one hour to get it done. Then she proceeded to slam me for being basically anti-everything. Things have progressed…badly.

In a strange twist of fate(/s mostly) our family has sided with me on this one. This includes her usual constant defenders: her parents, brother and our grandmother. Everyone has been trying to explain to her (her new wife included!!) that it wasn’t that I was unwilling to make the cupcakes (which is true. Had I been home and had more notice, I would have happily done it) but that I was unable. That what she was asking was just not possible.

Well, Cousin did not like that. At all. She has always been the golden child for some reason. And even when she has literally (or legally) been in the wrong before (e.g. dropping my name to get out of illegal burn citations until that didn’t work and was lucky to only be stuck with a 10,000$ fine when found out/called on it) it was always I or Others that were actually wrong or misunderstanding of the situation (🙄).

At the end of June, she threatened to sue me for discrimination…it went no where. Another thing she did not like. So what was Cousin’s solution after it was made very clear to her, several times, from several lawyers, that she had no case? To break into my house last week and go on a rampage.

We’re talking spray paint on the furniture and slashing all the cushions open. Putting holes in the walls and more spray pain. Clogging the pipes. Burning my clothes and some other valuables/precious items on my back patio. Included in that pile of burnt out shit was the majority of my archery equipment. I was supposed to compete in a big competition this weekend, that’s not happening anymore. 

At least she left most of Roomie’s stuff alone (I say most because Roomie bought our dishes, the coffee maker, etc. which were all busted on the kitchen floor). Small graces there, I guess. But we’re still talking about thousands of dollars in damages. 

My place is a disaster zone.

There are contractors in my house, which I’m not thrilled about but I need this shit fixed quickly. 

I’ve had to go clothes shopping more in the last week than I’ve had to do in the like five years.

I picked up my new archery stuff today, but it doesn’t really do me any good for the weekend.

My Aunt and Uncle are paying for all of the repairs right now (not sure how I feel about that tbh, I flick between thinking ‘what good will it do?’, and just not caring as long as it’s not coming out of my pocket). They’re a mess right now. 

My Cousin’s wife, (who had NOTHING to do with any of this, just to be perfectly clear. As I said, she was one of the ones on my side of the whole cupcake thing and wasn’t even in the province when Cousin broke in) is beside herself. 

And my Cousin is currently undergoing psychiatric assessment.

Oh and let’s not forget! She’s also about six or seven months pregnant at this point. I’m waiting to this whole thing to be blamed on ‘baby brain,’ and for me to told to just let it go, like has happened in the past.

TL;DR: I have a headache. I’ve had a headache for weeks at this point. And now I’m gonna go and eat my weight in pizza. 

[boxedforyourdemise]

No fuck it actually I will say it

(uh I'm kinda discussing militant vegans) not that I want those sorts of folks interacting. My blog. I say what I want lol

Also no fucking radfems or TERFs or TIRFs on this goddamn post please.

Not everyone can just go vegan. It's certainly possible to minimize harm, you know, do research and support local and well-intentioned farms etc

It's a fact and it's incredibly ableist and kinda classist and racist to ignore it in your activism.

The majority of people can't and it's okay if you try and find that your body literally cannot handle it. It's alright. You're not a monster or a bloodmouth or a "carnist".

You're just a person trying to survive.

In my opinion the food chain is beautiful and disrupting it is disrupting nature. And nature will fuck you up.

But you know, that's a different debate.

Not everyone can do everything and that includes diets. For example, I can't do keto. Like. I literally cannot. I will be very badly harmed lol same for if I tried a vegan diet. My body would not respond well.

I just don't like the idea that just everyone can go vegan just because it's supposed to be morally superior. It's not, but again, completely different argument. Not that it even matters. Morals are relative and the amount of times I've seen real issues like rape and racism appropriated for animal activists...

It's not what's necessarily best for everyone's body. Some people would literally die on a vegan diet. It's just...

Not possible for everyone. So stop acting like it is. If that's what you want to do, if that's what is important to you, that's okay. But don't act like everyone needs to do it or they're literally scum. We're all just people with our own beliefs and thoughts and ideals and bodies.

I'm not actually trying to start shit but it's weird to assume everyone can just abandon their omnivorous anatomy and become an herbivore without any consequences or health issues or like. Risks. Like sure occasionally eating a vegan or vegetarian meal is cool! But eliminating essential food groups from your diet and replacing them with supplements is not doable for many (not all, of course, and if that's what you want and what your heart and mind tell you to do, do it!) and is also incredibly expensive not to mention insufficient for a lot of people nutritionally.

Not even going into the whole thing about plants. I could go on all day about plants.

Anyway I've just been thinking about this a bit lately. Idk wanted to get it off my chest somewhere. Nobody else wants to talk about it but I'm sick of the idea that everyone can just go vegan because there's no reason not to when there are so many reasons a vegan diet could be a bad idea or just not feasible for somebody. I don't care if my friends or family or whatever are vegan lol like. Just don't act superior and don't try to "convert" people, you know...? Raise awareness, support people who minimize harm maybe? I dunno. Maybe I'm crazy.

[fatimaah]

I'm exhausted. I'm just exhausted. So so exhausted.

These days when I come home from school, have lunch and finally have free time I just wanna cry. It's either the school that makes me wanna cry or seeing my parents both super tired those days or seeing my grandma not being so healthy or seeing my cousins depressed and stressed or not having any desire to eat and loosing my kg again or not being able to even watch a silly show because I'm too tired of everything or all of it all at once....

Or realizing that yeah I love my friends and classmates but honestly my hate for school wins and tho some people seen sad abt graduation....the closer it comes the more I realized that I'm too tired of school to be sad to leave it. I will miss my friends but this day was inevitable. That's why I just want it all to end.

I just need summer. I just need my dad being funny and outgoing again instead of coming stressed from work with bags under his eyes, I just need my mom being supportive of everyone again instead of putting a lot of housework on me because she's no longer a housewife and she's making money now. I just want to get away. Somewhere far, all alone, have a rest from everyone and everything somewhere in Malaysian beach where I don't need to worry about exams or stupid MUNs that aren't even interesting or useful.

I just really need to be sure that my future self will be happy with her life. That she will truly fall in love and marry someone. That she will have a job that she enjoys or be a stay at home wife that's having fun at home and going on walks with her lover late summer nights.

I don't need money or anything. Just a lovable person, a cat, a cute little house, meaningful conversations, friends, being able to create art everyday, seeing my loved ones happy and being sure my kids love their motha.

I need happiness. Back, I want it back

I need to do my Arabic and then my housework and then find some more info for stupid MUN (ew why did we even agree to take a part in this shit? It was boring today and I didn't like my own speech and zr even bullied kmll)

Also today's stupid lineyka was super annoying. I hate being a hater but oh how I hate A LOT OF people from our school. Not gonna miss those bitches. Only three teachers and six girls. Other can disappear I won't even care if we never meet again. So tired of all of them. Especially the principal. Hate her.

Damn why does this week suck sooo much I wish my parents didn't need me at home and I could stay more after lessons with my friends to play volleyball or go out for lunch or something. I wish I didn't have so much on me, making lunch for my grandma and dad and mom cuz now she's also nOt kEepiNg uP wiTh tHe hOuSewOrk sO I ShoUld heLp cuz My broTherS arE disAbled . Helping my sister to have a fucking childhood cuz I hate seeing her kinda depressed at nine. What even is that I'm so worried about her mental health.

The way my brothers are living like literal pigs is making me SICK. She never sees them like this LIKE HELLO MOM IT'S NOT ONLY ME WHO'S SEVENTEEN? u don't need to be a girl to be able to live like a human. so annoying all of them everyone can I die already

edit: frz wants to do a no-backpack day, lol. I mean oookay guuurl that's a progress, at least something fun

alriiight it's almost time for sleep and I'm fine I just forgot my problems and everything is gonna be ✨great✨

can I have a really cool dream with interesting plot twists PLEASE

May 16, 2024

[jcdu]

5/3/24

(not exactly sure why i'm posting that as it's not relevant to this post, but it's a nice round number woohoo)

I woke up today feeling tired still - a soul-level kind of tiredness. It's been a while since I've felt like that, completely drained of one of my energy tanks. I guess I've spent too much time lately thinking about what my own life and others' lives look like and I haven't had time to mellow down and really relax. And sometimes it's like I forget about it over a night's sleep. but then the next day, I catch myself still unable to fully decompress as tiny remnants of those thoughts creep back into view.

A few months ago I started following this guy Francis Chu on youtube and his mini vlog journey of solo travelling in Japan. Seeing the streets and landmarks again now, I guess I feel a sense of nostalgia for my own trip too. ahhh. Very chill, slice-of-life, and the editing is so clean👌🏻

It's a very simple vlog style, and all it really focuses on is literally just basic things like eating, hotels, small inconveniences, walking around, etc. LOL. But I realized how enjoyable it was to watch someone confidently talk at length about the small joys and nuances in their everyday travels, over some ambient music, clean edits, and good vibes. The funny thing is that's all it pretty much takes. I feel like the more I connect with this kind of energy, the more I feel like my usual self. Because it's so unapologetically in my face that the happiness and simple truths this guy basks in is miles and light years closer to grounded reality than the state of overthinking I found myself slowly slipping into complacency with.

And maybe that's actually what this void of missing energy represents... rebuilding a sense of confidence in yourself to feel at home, at ease, at comfort in your own skin, to live the current state of your life as it exists right now. After nights of ruminating and thinking about something, it feels instinctively good and right to simply have a go at some of it and just do.

I've noticed that with everyone I know--introverted/extroverted alike--we each have our own ways of recharging. Whether that looks like retreating into the quiet solitude of a movie, a book, a stroll through the city with headphones on, or a much needed hang-out in the company of friends and their positive energy, or perhaps even an adventure / experience that brings us somewhere new.

But I've also noticed we often take it for granted and forget to proactively look for these simple moments of respite when we're so bogged down with our responsibilities to follow through with our thoughts deeply. Like yes, we may need to stretch those muscles and hold our past and future accountable in order to do meaningful shadow work. Even so, we always always HAVE to remember to take rest time in between, just doing the usual shit that speaks to our most basic emotions, desires, and curiosities - most of which do not require immediate answers to who we were and who we will be, as existentially necessary as those things might seem to you.

Rainer Maria Riike, who captures this sentiment which I have (thankfully and reassuringly) been experiencing lately to be true:

"...to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer. ”

[wannabanauthor]

I’m in a complaining mood:

My number one frustration as of late is a friend who overthinks way too much.

She assigns her own meaning to everything other people do and takes it as an insult rather than asking someone what they meant.

If someone needs to take time off to help their sick mother, it’s the last straw for her and she doesn’t want him to work for her anymore in addition to not being the perfect worker.

If someone is busy when she calls, she gets upset because she needs help with something important that we did sign up to help with but we also have our own lives.

I could leave stuff for her on her doorknob because she needs the stuff and I’m too busy to wait for her to answer a text or call, but I kept my eye on it until she grabbed it and even waved from afar when I saw her grab it. She didn’t see me and thought it was rude of me to drop it off and leave. I had other chores and errands to do that day and got a late start, so I wasn’t going to wait around for her to respond.

I text her once to give her a heads up about smoking not being allowed in our building anymore, and she sends me multiple texts then calls me, asking how it plans to be enforced and she won’t get kicked out, complaining that I called her and accusing me of overstepping. How? By giving her a heads up about a memo that is relevant to her?

If I respond to her text questions with one word, she thinks I’m mad at her or have an attitude. No, it’s the weekend, and I sleep in late, so I’m half asleep when I respond.

Not to mention the fight we had around Christmas when she made a big deal out of something that I already corrected, and ignored me when I tried to point out that her request wasn’t necessary because it had already been taken care of. She literally refused to listen and look when I pointed with my finger that I had already done what she asked prior to her asking me. Then after that, she sent me a text saying that I was doing too much or overstepping or something, and it was all over her own perceived slights than reality. This is the one time I didn’t respond calmly because I had been doing her a favor in the first place.

And it’s not just me she pulls this shit on. It’s everyone around her.

Yes, I know I need to talk to her about this before it blows up, but I haven’t been in the mood. She’s very sensitive. She’s the kind of person that makes up scenarios in her head and gets hurt by them and then takes out her frustrations on the person she was thinking about it.

She doesn’t know me well enough yet to know what my motivations behind my actions are. Example: She loves that I share food with her and thinks it’s me being nice. However, I’ve been sharing my food with people since I was a teenager. It’s my way of making sure the food doesn’t go to waste because I know I can’t eat it all by myself, and I like to try new recipes.

I’m not the average person, and she’s still learning that her assumptions of my motivations are almost always wrong because my thought process is completely different from hers.

I’m not mad, more like annoyed and slightly frustrated. I want her to understand that not everyone is out to get her, and her anxiety and emotions about an action do not make her feelings factual, and she doesn’t get to lash out or accuse someone of shit based on her feelings.

Hell, even my therapist said that I could talk to my friend but that doesn’t mean she’ll listen to me.

Which is possibly true. I have another therapy appointment tonight.

Anyone have any suggestions? My post is a little vague, but that’s just because I don’t want to go into too many details even though I’m pretty sure she doesn’t have a Tumblr.

[serenityinsabr]

I just had the urge to write. I don’t know why or where it came from, but I often find it coming to me like like a truck hurling towards you at 80 miles per hour and you can’t help but be struck. I’m sitting in my beautiful apartment, watching my two lovely pups, and my heart is just really full. I love the holidays, but man are they hard. I get sudden flashbacks of when my dad got sick and the grief overrides everything else. It’s like I’m stuck in a loop until I let myself feel. I remember him being misdiagnosed, not being able to eat during thanksgiving and being in extreme pain. And my dad never complained. The doctors often had to adjust his pain scale cause they knew his 2 was really an 8. And they said it was something easy and curable, I had a really bad intuition feeling that it wasn’t. And 3 weeks later, he was diagnosed with an incurable cancer. Those moments changed the rest of my life.

I’ve been hearing the word kismet a lot lately. More than usual. What a small word, 6 letters, but it carries so much. Words are crazy like that. Like, almost, 6 letters but it consists of the pinpoints that someone’s fate alters. Things almost could have been one way or another. I think almost provides a safety net for what people are too scared to find out about because they’d have to leave comfort to do it. The almosts don’t have to be almosts. Kismet is controlled by our actions, the Universe gives us options, what we’re ready for and we aren’t, but it lets us decide. Are you willing to leave your comfort zone to find what you’ve always been looking for?

These week has been a lot of emotions. I tend to serve as everyone’s “therapist friend” and it’s because I give a shit. I have pretty good boundaries these days, and I still make the choice to be there for anyone I can, because I know all to well how it feels not to have anyone and it’s so important to me that noone else feels that way. And I balance it to try to make sure it doesn’t effect me. But sometimes you run into situations where you can choose to either be there for someone or save yourself, and it happens quickly.

This week I went to a going away party for work. And I could tell something was off with one of the newer Attorneys who started a year after me. Almost to the day I had a conversation with her a year prior about her partner, and how she just wasn’t happy. But she was comfortable and her partner was nice. My work is hard. It’s harsh, soul-crushing, and you have the opportunity to change someone’s life but also first hand witness how cruelly the world can treat someone. It’s far from easy. The right people who come to this work, come to be of service. It’s their core beliefs and values that draw them there. But it’s a lot. And to deal with other life changes while dealing with this work, especially in the beginning, is extremely challenging. And she had lost her Brother. Her buddy as she said. They were so close and it clearly crushed her soul, but she hasn’t had time to process the grief cause she hasn’t taken the time to. We sat and I wiped her tears for hours while she just cried. It was so fucking heartbreaking. But she literally looked at me grabbed me and asked if we could go outside, and then she just took a deep breath, looked at me and balled. And she shared all these things with me. I’ve had maybe 10 one on one convos with her, but whenever I see her not being recognized at work, I always try to hype her up. A big part of what’s making this all so hard is that she’s with someone who just doesn’t get it and she’s processing having a half fulfilling relationship while dealing with this job and loss. And it really just made me think about how we as humans just get so lost in comfort. We settle because it’s easy, but really we’re just cutting ourself short.

And maybe I’ll end up alone, and searching for the rest of my life, but one thing I’ve decided is that I won’t settle. In any area of my life. I refuse. I will keep growing, loving, saying yes to new experiences. I won’t accept half loves from friends, lovers or anyone else. Life is too short for that.

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary67

11/17-18/2023

friday - saturday

found out my cat is probably not going to die, actually!!

he is actually eating, today, and stuff. it's not a full recovery but it is good news, for him, and my mom and i.

supposedly the f1 cars were supposed to be so loud we would hear them from our apartment, but we aren't. i don't know what to make of that (nothing, basically).

anyway today was insane because it started normal except, as my gf was on her way back from doing laundry with her mom this morning, she told me to get ready because her mom wanted to take us out, so i did. i was able to basically do nothing this morning really other than work out and stuff, but it was okay. i've been consumed w/ sloth lately i guess anyways. i just end up feeling so tired every day. i think that's basically good but gosh it's been getting in my way, sorta. maybe i should care less about that though, just try and do stuff when i can. not when 'the mood strikes' but just like, when i actually can. i've been so fucked up l8ly it puts significant roadblocks in the way of actually living. i won't describe what i ended up doing tonight that was totally and literally insane i guess (has to do with trying to know 'what i look like' (carried out using front facing phone cam, because i guess i default to the most incorrect mean / what will make me most dysphoric because maybe the misery is addictive in its own way)). anyway we go out, and eat, prior my gf goes into h&m and i go into a guitar center and fuck around with this roland gaia synth thing. it's cool, i got this insane and ugly sound out of it, kind of sad i don't have that naturally but whatever, i bet i could figure it out, or something similar. it's a kind of sound i like normally (chipsynth but eeevilllll (lol)). when i went to go meet my gf's mom out in front of the restaurant (not telling which because it's just like.., whatever), her brother gets there, she's still in h&m, and i had to go and get her and watch her buy an oversized white blazer.

the lunch/dinner situation was basically her mom and her brother, mostly her brother, ceaselessly speaking, and then sometimes looking at me and saying that i've said nothing, or asking for some kind of input. i guess this explains why i'm so exhausted. that continuous, neurotic stream, of mental sludge that eventually turns to baffling and reactionary thinking, and then asking if i'm offended, sincerely, at least, and then just continuing. i don't really ever say anything because i'm not offended, and also, it is actually too much trouble. it would go beyond 'correcting' anyone, it would be more or less about explaining contexts, approaches, and why on a root level the approaches they are taking w/ seeing the world are actually not helpful and mostly founded in fear/ keeping everything the same, and are received practices rather than ones they have discovered (everyone is a little like that w/ being a ball of received things, and it does one well to know that and keep it in mind (it also makes defusing that seem much harder because no one wants to be told they aren't an individual like they think (no one is an individual, personhood as broadly imagined, identity too, is a fantasy when we are caught in the system of spectacle, as we are (am i annoying, or what??)))). anyway, knowing that it would be 1) longwinded, and 2) annoying, who wants to hear all that bullshit when it's mother and son complaining about the politically correct world they feel they are forced to live in. dinner had an aura of discomfort the whole time, i did not want to share food with anyone, as her brother had given their mother herpes because he shared a drink with her. i kept looking at the sore. it was like the dinner scene in texas chainsaw massacre, or resident evil. i can't decide.

her brother is also an insane rfk jr. guy. which is kind of entertaining for me. he's a year younger than me and keeps talking about "as you get older," and shit like that. now he doesn't make music, because he's gotten older, and he doesn't want to confront that dark part of himself, because he feels like he'd go back there, and whatever and stuff. being 25 and still writing + making music, just being creatively active, i dunno, there's a lot of stupid stuff people swallow regarding 'making art' i guess. one is that it's this super authentic soul baring thing you're doing, and that it's got to come from something serious every time. or even that it has to be so emotional, that it can't have any element beyond that, where you are just thinking things out.

the waiter we had was also insane, he came over, said things about how he's just a vessel for god, that he's lost family recently, he's got a baby. very nice man though, at least.

the night basically ended, with my gf's mom and her brother, going into guitar center with us again, while i messed with guitar pedals, and the brother wandered off to go play a song for them.

the day otherwise has been good. listening to the blood brothers now.

anyway i washed my face, i need to do my night workouts and then probably just sleep soon so:

byebye!!!!!!!

[tenrose]

I feel like I'm being two different persons at the same time... Like I'm ok with my alone life at home, it's far from being perfect but I'm being more indulgent to myself than before. Like the crushing guilt of having done nothing of the whole weekend isn't as heavy as before, because I know I am exhausted from work 200% of the time so I won't do anything of my Saturdays unless someone else planned something for me and I'm being more gentle with me cause I know I need to rest, I'm literally always close to have a mental breakdown. Just feeling guilty cause laying in bed doesn't help my back to heal. But I've learnt to live with this constant disturbance in my leg. Lately I've been watching shows, old shows but hey that count as doing something. And actually it keeps me from respecting a good eating schedule so I can have time to watch an episode before going to sleep so it's a win. Haven't had time to finish the deep cleaning, so my apartment still looks like a mess, but however since we have deep cleaned the kitchen I'm able to maintain this part clean and tidy so I have faith in me. I just need help for the big cleaning but then I think I will finally be able to maintain my apartment clean (excluding the fact that I have a cat dudjsjz), and we might do the bathroom next week (both me and my aunt helping just have been too busy to have time). I take care of my health. And also I'm reading. Not as fast as I was, not as regularly as I would like too but I'm reading. And I can feel the positive impact it has on my brain. Also I listen to SFF related podcasts at work and it genuinely give my brain good food. I even wrote some idea in a draft sheet for the first time in a long time. I have the creative part of my brain constantly working in the background. Don't think it would lead me anywhere to write, but I just love so much to have new ideas flooding through my brain.

But then, on the other side, there's like I said, the constant edge of having a mental breakdown. And it's all because of one thing: work. Luckily I'm good with my colleagues (although we're only that and I still have not friends in the neighborhood), and we are all like this close to the breaking point. Some have been absent for a while so I suspect them to have had the mental breakdown in question. But yeah, we work early, with a lot of extra hours, and they always ask for more and although we're in our rights to refuse it's still mentally draining. Not to mention that instead of simply suppressing our productivity bonus and telling it us like that, they just recalculated the whole thing so it's basically unreachable and it makes it looks like it's our fault if we don't get it. Anyway basically everyone is pissed off, not to mention we don't even know if our client is gonna stay anyway... So yeah work basically fuck everything up. I mean I've always been running on low energy so it's not the only excuse for my numbness but honestly working for a capitalist piece of shit company really takes all the fun in life... although our wages are minimum I'm trying not to complain a lot cause my way of living doesn't cost me that much (no cars, no friends to meet in a restaurant, too exhausted to go shopping etc.) so I'm fine with my finances and can go the fuck out somewhere else during my vacations. But... I have to go back... and yes basically I want to live. And even though I do have the finances to survive months without a job, my past broke family trauma does not allow me to think like that. I could never quit without having another secure job after. But the problem is that I'm way too exhausted to look for one. And also tbh I don't even know what to do with my life... truth to be told I don't want to work. Submitting to capitalism fucking suck. I'm thinking more and more about try some civil service exam, because if I get a position it would be secure. I'm not even doing it for money anyway (but like a few more days off maybe lmao). But yeah it's an exam. So it means I'd have to work on it to have a chance to succeed and tell me folk when am I supposed to find the energy to work on anything after a 40+ hours week of work????? So basically I can never talk about that with anyone, cause my colleagues are either on the same page and the other people just think saying "well look elsewhere there's plenty of opportunities" helps someone with severe anxiety and lack of confidence like me. Also speaking with people... basically every workplace is like that anyway... there's literally no escape from capitalism. Anyway still not trying anything else is totally my fault and I know it and I don't know what to do...

So yes I have to slice my brain in two different parts otherwise I would totally break apart. Thank god escapism is back in a more healthy way in my mind (I still spend way too much time mindlessly scrolling but it's better than before I'm telling you).