#also i have no idea if this is real or spotify is playing tricks on me

[i-love-def-leppard]

this showed up in my spotify account…anyone else see this? 2024🧐🤨🫣

[sunsrefuge]

Music ask game!! :D How about 2, 6 and the fancam song for Liifa?

AND THE FANCAM... <- i find this so so funny because he is SO demisexual. it would so not be his thing !! but by god he's pretty so you're damn right it'd happen to him !!

(hey! funny story! I got so excited about this ask that i'd filled out most of it by the time i remembered you sent. specific numbers. so uh,, woe !! bonus content be upon ye !! also im so sorry that this turned into a LITERAL ESSAY !! do not worry about reading all of it if you don't want to / feel up to it !!)

As per usual, all spotify links! ♥

[Readmore because - well. I said it was an essay for a reason. :'D Sorry !! feel free to only read the ones you requested if you'd like !!]

Backstory: Top of the World by Greek Fire

I remember the days, New beginnings on an open page. With something to prove, And nothing to lose, Not a soul to betray.

Ohh how we look back on the past with rose-colored glasses :') This song both describes his backstory in a fun way, and describes his perspective on his own past! He's born underground like the vast majority of asura during his time, and ends up having to surface after Primordus wakes up. He ends up in the Crystal Desert with his older half-sister Rylii, and they're taken in by the Sunspears once they're deemed not a threat and such. They have a good couple of years until;

I remember the lies, Caught up in building paradise. The angels were slaves, and demons behaved, And everything was alright.

boy got TRICKED into tying himself to the Binding - (in my hc, a book of Abaddon's that contains his worst-behaved demons! like, he dropped all these kids off at preschool and just never came back for them lol) - under the idea that he could somehow purify the book itself, therefore turning an artifact of Abaddon's into a powerful one of Kormir's. Needless to say, maybe not ever gonna happen!! (... maybe.)

I hear the crowds beneath me, I'm wishing they could reach me. But I'm on top of the world, Up here I'm dying alone.

it leads PERFECTLY into the majority of his backstory!! Lonely, aimless wandering!! It also highlights the little facade he picks up over the years:

Inside the walls of gold, Outside of happiness, (It's all been a show, Too late to confess!) No room for heart and soul, No room for innocence, Innocence!

He gets so lonely that he starts to get really jaded and closed-off from anyone and everyone that he meets. There's a sense of when you live so long, what use is it to connect? <- Words spoken seconds (decades) before disaster. (meeting Eliana)

Personality: Liar by The Arcadian Wild

I sense there's trouble ahead, It's clear by the signs and warnings, That should tell where all blame is due. So why are they pointing at my head?

There's a long stretch of time where he's very flippant about what he's doing and who it's affecting. Typically, if a situation turns against him, he'd just... remove himself from the area and wait it out.

Oh, I need you to see through my act, To tell me I'm wrong, To take off the mask. Or else I'll be left in the lie, And I'll deceive my way straight to demise.

That said, he knows that he's just lying his ass off most of the time - playing a part, setting the pieces, whatever he needs to do that'll get him in the door for whatever he's attempting now. He gets bored, living so long and being on his own so much, he's not above playing little scams and such to give himself some kind of stimulation as the years drag on for him.

I am the host of this hostility, I'm the master magician that makes you believe. I'm real, I'm not fake, but in reality, I'm a lying man. My life's become this grand game of deception, My mind's ignored all my heart's good intentions. We all feel this tension, We all have our own illusions.

And even as he realizes that what he's done is wrong, he still keeps that degree of separation - that denial that he's wrong - how could he be, when others have done worse? He's determined to be good, so much so that he's justified his own boredom-induced heists by simply internalizing that someone's always done something way worse. Which... isn't how it works! But he'll get there, eventually.

'Cause I'm not in a right state of mind, I just wish I had strength to admit it. My stubbornness will put up a fight, But I don't deserve to win it. I'm left in the dark pondering my mistakes, But in the light, I swear I will, Deny it all.

The chorus in here hits though, because it offers that self-awareness of "yes, this is wrong, and I know it's wrong! But even if you force me to face it, and I know that you're right, I'm going to deny it. It can't be true, that isn't who I am at heart." It's okay, Eliana can fix him later kahsdsuh

Angst: Suffocate by Nathan Wagner

The problem ain't "they're never good," The problem is power, It taints the mind.

hi !! Liifa thoughts hour !! After picking up the Binding, and being stuck with it for the last two centuries, this thought process for him is constant !! ♥ As time goes on, he starts to recognize the ways that the Binding (and primarily Ipos within it) has been influencing his thoughts and perceptions, and he Does Not Like It !! He's so so determined to be good despite all of his bad decisions and numerous setbacks and it's such a reoccurring theme throughout his entire playlist !! his determination to be good is integral to his character !!

Hold on to me, Don't give up on me. If I start to sink, Would you reach for me? I get so afraid, break down, Suffocate. Would you help me breathe? Help me breathe.

This hits harder later on in the timeline; when he has Eliana to travel with! If there's one thing that would immediately entice him over the 'edge' and into corruption, it would be someone he loves being in possibly-fatal danger. Dude is liable to literally lose his entire mind and moral compass in those scenarios!

Don't wanna hurt the ones I love, Don't wanna let everyone down. I try so hard but I slip up, Lose my grip, fall on the ground. The problem ain't "they're never good," The problem's power taints the mind. Don't let this heart turn into stone, Don't let these lights burn me alive.

this part makes me FERAL because !! During the GW2 timeline is when he starts to recognize just how jaded and cold he's become over the decades, and he hates it once he sees it. I also like to believe that - since he's been tied to the Binding - anything of Kormir's (such as the fire in the Sunspear Sanctuary) has the potential it 'burn' him if he gets too close! And I don't mean "you're obviously too close to the campfire" kind of close. More like he's fifteen feet away and still feels like he's standing directly in the fire.

Don't let me suffocate in luxury.

I just think that it's so so fun how... traditionally, demons tempt you by giving you unimaginable power, wealth, anything that you could ever want. And Liifa doesn't want any of that, he just desperately wants a calm life spent with the people he loves.

Comfort: I'll Be Good by Jaymes Young

I thought I saw the devil, this morning. Looking in the mirror, Drop of rum on my tongue, With the warning to help me see myself clearer.

This has !! entirely to do !! with him realizing how jaded and cold he's become, and actively making the decision to move away from that !! He wants to be softer. He wants to have friends. He deeply misses having people that he can rely on and feel safe with; he's so tired of feeling like it's himself against the world.

My past has tasted bitter, For years now, So I wield an iron fist. "Grace is just weakness," Or so I've been told. I've been cold, I've been merciless. But the blood on my hands, Scares me to death. Maybe I'm waking up, today.

I've always debated if there's a specific moment that makes him realize what he's turned into - and now I'm actually thinking !! The Genetics Facility Massacre could be it !! It's perfectly in between two of the times that he meets Eliana before they become properly acquainted, so there's already the thought floating around in his head of this sweet little sylvari he's met, and how kind she seems in a world so cruel - and it hits him. He's part of that cruelty. He's done assassinations, he's killed indiscriminately, he commits crimes so regularly that he doesn't even think about it anymore.

For all of the light that I shut out, For all of the innocent things that I doubt, For all of the bruises I've caused, and the tears, For all of the things that I've done, All these years. For all of the sparks that I stomped out, For all of the perfect things that I doubt,

I'll be good, I'll be good. And I'll love the world, like I should. Yeah, I'll be good, I'll be good, For all of the times, I never could.

and the REPITITION of "I'll be good, I'll be good," just continues to hammer home his determination !! to be good !! Despite his habits, despite his past, despite the things that he's done and said - he wants to be good. If not for himself, then for his half-sister. For the memory of his mothers, and his twin. For the kind people that he's met during his troubles. For everything that he so passionately stood for when he was younger; For the Sunspears.

I'll Be Good has been so so integral to his playlist ever since I started writing him and put it on there. you REALLY cannot know Liifa if you haven't listened to this song while rotating him in ur brain at least once.

Love Life: The Fall by half•alive

Oh, I'm just tryna introduce you, To this idea that I've grown used to. It's like sharing a dream with someone, Once you say it out loud it can't be undone.

he is AFRAID !! He's lived for god-damn-ever and yet he's still so anxious and hesitant any time he develops romantic feelings for someone!!

It's like waking up in surgery, I can't seem to see right past the lights, And I'm, so scared to take a knife to my chest, Let you see the heart that's inside.

He just wants to hide! Every time! He wants to hide but he's also so so glued to their side at the same time. The Fall holds a special place in my heart in relation to Liifa's love life because it always makes me think of how he, Ambrose, and Eliana all get together in my AU's with @forbiddenredjollyrancher ♥ !!

I'd jump off and into your arms, But I can't trust the fall. Take my voice, I'm giving it though I don't feel safe at all.

^ I wanna point out this part too! It's not that he's afraid of them, but more specifically how things could 'turn' in the future. He's already had one relationship (with Bjiattu) that turned sour once he felt content, and he's very much the type of person who gets nervous that things could turn sour again once he's comfortable and feels safely at home.

Luckily for him though, this little polycule is very, very cozy, comfortable, and permanent !! ♥ They also eventually add more to their lil polycule: Prism, Zayvis, Liott, and Haskell! Liott & Haskell both belong to Tres as well! There's also some 'branches,' but that's the central polycule at least! ^^ And yes, Liifa has this same fearful and anxious reaction to every new polycule member. Dude needs to be diagnosed with anxiety, ngl.

Fight Scene: Animal I Have Become by Three Days Grace

Liifa typically avoids physical confrontations if he can help it. But, when the need does arise, he tends to go... a little overboard. Courtesy of Ipos inhibiting his impulse control! :) They adore carnage and would like for Liifa to murder more kajhdsk

So what if you can see, The darkest side of me? No one will ever change this animal I have become.

^ this part of the chorus is perfect for his jaded years !! Just the "so what" says so much already!

Help me believe, It's not the real me. Somebody help me tame this animal.

^ and THIS part is great for more recent years! He's sick of it, he's tired, he wants to be soft and cozy and not have to deal with Ipos encouraging his worse impulses and pushing him to blindly murder people (again). There it is! Again! His determination to be good despite his setbacks!!

FanCam: Cherry Hill by Russ

It honestly took me a while to find a good song for this for him !! idk, it's got a vibe and the chorus hits for him in relation to ... well, literally anyone he's ever been in love with, lmao

Maybe I'm a fool, Maybe I'm a fool for you. You know what I'd do for you, I know what you'd do for me. You will see, The truth in me.

hopeless romantic of the CENTURY /positive

also, this isn't important but every time that I've tried to picture a fancam for him to figure what vibes I wanted the song for it to have,, without fail there'd be a part of him readjusting his hair, I'm certain of it. He's so vain and prideful in his appearance, his hair has GOT to be hella soft and it shows.

[the-lazyyy-artist]

Soulmates and Everything in Between

A/N: Hey! Here is now my two centavos for the Trese/Kambal fandom. I offer to you a Basilio x Fem!Reader fanfic... you can also consider it a Maliksi x Fem!Reader bc it has some parts with Mal. Also, what a title, emerite. It’s loosely based on this song:

https://open.spotify.com/track/4jq5J39hJ28RmDhNp1QkYk?si=1bff151aeec64129

(I had to put a link bc how do u insert a like... song from spotify???)

It was an idea I had overnight so... enjoy!

~~~

You were never one to believe in love, not after breaking up with your boyfriend for 4 years; you caught him cheating on you for 6 months. Basilio was the one who believed in love, despite the destiny that his mother had and that his dad was a killing machine. He still believed that there’s this good kind of love. It has been a year since you two met at The Diabolical, after Maliksi practically pulled you out of your bed so that you can finally hang out with him and the wind girls after two months of moping in your apartment. It was a good time, being able to debate with Basilio that night about love after just an hour of meeting each other in the bar.

 “You know, Basilio,” you said, alcohol streaming through your blood, “love is just a social concept that was made up to trick people to fuck and produce more people. That’s why this country is overpopulated.” Basilio laughed. The others just listened and hummed in agreement. “It’s not just a social concept, Y/N. It’s Bathala’s way of leading people to their other half, their soulmate. He knows that we cannot live alone, so he created other halves for each one of us.” You scoffed and had another drink of your beer. “Really? If so, then why are there womanizers? Cheaters? If that’s Bathala’s way for us to find our so-called other halves, then no one should be cheating. Soulmate my ass, it was never real in the first place. Whoever wrote that must’ve been whack.”

 “Girl,” Amie said, rubbing circles on your back, “kalma ka lang. Let’s just enjoy this night, shall we? No more debating about love.”

 The next day, despite the hangover you had, you were sobered up to the texts you received from an unknown number and a friend request on your socials. It was Basilio. You groaned. “What does he want this time?” On his texts, he apologized about the debate and that he got your number from Maliksi. Good ol’ Maliksi, playing cupid all over again.

 Since that day, Basilio has been bombarding you with texts messages, asking how you were, how was work, or anything in general. It was annoying, honestly, since that you obviously got a feeling that he likes you. You scoffed at that thought. “No way. If he thought he’d win my heart, keep dreaming na lang.” Then, in a few months, it was no longer just texts. He started coming over with Maliksi. He knows that you and Mal were bestfriends. He started bringing food, worse, even cooking in your own kitchen! He knew about your favorite dish, and he just smiled at you when this shocked you. “How?” You asked him as he was setting the table. He then tilted his head to Mal, who was already grinning at you. You just cursed under your breath.

 It was not long when it was just Basilio coming, still with food and movies and haranas. It made your heart flutter, in all honesty, but you tried not to fall in love again. You knew about the twins’ history with girls, how they would sometimes bed them. The thought made you shiver. Still, Basilio was persistent, and consistent. It even surprised you that he came with you on your grocery day at the public market, and he was wearing shorts and sando. He helped you carry your groceries, and put them all on the shelves in your kitchen. “Thanks, Basilio. It’s very nice of you to help me out today,” you said, smiling at him. “It’s nothing. I’d do everything for my girl.” That caught you off guard.

 And that was when you knew you got it bad.

 You were in love. You finally fell for him.

 You then started to shut him out. You started to make up excuses if Basilio wants to come over. This worried Basilio, and asked Maliksi about what happened. “This this isn’t new to me,” Mal answered, “she did that to me too after the break up.”

 “But this isn’t a break up,” Basilio said, a bit of panic in his voice. “It was always okay for her if I was coming over.” Maliksi gave him a pat on the shoulder. “Don’t worry, I’ll talk to her.”

 You were reading a book on your sofa when the front door opened. It was Maliksi. You trusted him enough for him to have the spare key of your apartment, in case something happened. “I guess you heard the news, huh.” You joked, and he chuckled. “Yes, bub, I did. What happened?” He asked as he sat beside you. You turned to him, and rested your head on his shoulder. “I’m scared, Mal,” you said, your voice quiet. “About what?”

 “Love.”

 Maliksi sighed and you finally faced him. “I understand that you’re scared of getting hurt again, but please don’t stop yourself from experiencing a new kind of love. It’s always good to try again,” he said as he took your hands. You just groaned and tears fell from your eyes. “He’s just too good to be true, Mal. He’s kind, and gentle. He knows what I want and he’s trustworthy, and he helps me with everything I do. He wants to be involved with my life and wants to do everything with me. He even went with me to the public market! No guy ever did that!” Mal chuckled and hugged you as you sobbed. “Then why are you scared if he’s doing all these amazing things?”

 “Because,” you said in between sobs, “what if he changes over time? What if he’ll get used to all of this and decides that it bores him?”

 “Are you gonna let your what if’s stop yourself from experiencing this wonderful kind of love?” He asked you. You just sighed. “Y/N, don’t ever be scared to love again, because it’s the only good thing in this horrible world we’re in. It’s the thing that Bathala gave us so that our souls will be at peace.” He was right, you thought. Ever since Basilio came, everything was beautiful, your soul was at peace. Maybe this is what Basilio was talking about months ago, about soulmates. Maybe he was yours.

 Days after, you asked Basilio to come over, and it overjoyed him. Maliksi told him about your fear, and it was enough for him to understand why you shut him out. When he arrived, you gave him a weak smile. He brought all your comfort food, street foods, to be exact. He prepared everything on the table before he sat beside you on the couch. “Hey, Y/N,” he said softly. You then hugged him. It felt like it was everything you needed. “I know you’re scared,” he said softly, as he enveloped you into his arms, “and I understand if you’re not ready. Nevertheless, I will still be here, because after I met you, and after all the time we spent, I knew that I love you. My soul is at peace when I’m with you.”

 You swore to yourself that you won’t cry, but you did, and he hugged you tighter. It was the best feeling in the world, to be at peace, to be with someone who understands you. You were then surprised that he played a song on his phone. He placed it on the couch and he stood up. The intro played, the very familiar guitar chords spilling through the speakers. He offered his hand to you, and said, “Care to dance, baby?” You laughed when he said ‘baby’, but you accepted. You gingerly placed your hands on his chest, and his hands rested on your waist. It was an odd song to dance to, but you figured that Basilio was the kind of guy to tell his feelings through a song, thus the endless haranas.

 The chorus of the song came up, and he sang along to it. It was everything he wanted to say. Basilio, the guy you just debated about love, is now the man you swore to be with until the end. A secret promise for now. After all, it’s what Bathala gave us; a partner to be with until the end.

[itsonlystrange]

It’s official, I’m writing all of Stranger Things Season Four

I announced that I was going to do this way back in November, when I originally started, but here’s the official announcement.

Yes! I am writing all of ST 4, since we probably won’t have it for awhile, I’ve decided to take matters into my own hands.

I’ve been writing scripts for about five ish years now. I’ve taken multiple screenwriting classes and I have studied the duffers writing and stranger things itself for about 5 months now, jotting down all character qualities and traits so this will be as realistic as possible.

Now, as we will probably be getting more information as time goes on, this obviously isn’t going to be similar to the actual st4.

But NO! This is NOT A FANFICTION.

I will be writing it like an actual script, I’ve taken notes on the duffers writing and hopefully by the end it will turn out similar enough for you to imagine it as if it was canon.

I will be using ALL EVIDENCE OF SEASON 4 AND ALL PRIOR SEASON KNOWLEDGE ASWELL.

This means, YES! All new characters will be implemented into this season. It also means, YES! All audition tapes we’ve seen thus far (that aren’t from prexisting movies that the duffers used to try and trick us with) WILL BE REAL SCENES.

ALSO: the video store friday list comes into this big time. We don’t know exactly why certain VSF movies were put on the list, but I will be watching all VSF movies to get an idea on how the actual ST4 will play out so I can incorporate that into my version.

This will be completely canon compliant (SO FAR) as I’ve said, things will change by the time I get this done, so our educated guesses now could be very unreliable once we get actual set pics and more audition tapes and leaks. HOWEVER:

Since we don’t know where the Byers moved, they will be in Chicago.

NOW FOR WHAT IT WILL INCLUDE:

-Canon Byler

NOW HANG ON! No! I will not be tearing apart Mileven. Mike and El WILL break up but mutually and respectively. THIS IS NOT A FANFICTION, meaning all the characters WILL BE IN CHARACTER! So if that means Mileven takes longer to break up, then so be it. My goal is for this to sound real, for it to sound like it could actually be a season of stranger things.

NO! The main plot line will NOT BE BYLER. This isn’t a byler script. This is stranger things season four. All I can say is that Byler will be canon by the end. And the two scripts and sneak peaks I have posted thus far give you a hint as to how it will happen.

- I know I already said this but I’m reiterating: all characters from leaked audition tapes and Charles Murphy leaks and official stranger things announcements will be in this season. (Minus Fred bc we know virtually nothing about him so I can’t create a character surrounding someone we know nothing about) this includes: Hellfire club members and Eddie, Jason and ten basketball team, Chrissy, Vickie, Angela, Jake, argyle, and more!

-Brenner, Owens, and Lonnie are all back.

-Wileven angst (as I feel that is realistic after studying both of their characters) however you will get good wileven content.

-Will and El are still being bullied.

-Joyce and Murray team up (duh)

-Mike runs away to the Byers for Will’s birthday

-Will develops powers, HOWEVER, they are not even remotely similar to el’s powers and are more similar to the powers he already has (sensing the mind flayer) but on a much bigger scale.

-We meet a new number/lab experiment

-The upside down is seeking into Hawkins

-hellfire club is under scrutiny and people are accusing them of all the bad stuff going on in Hawkins

-A current main character will die along with some new characters. (Sorry guys! Like I said, this will be realistic and I have to do this in order for it to be realistic!)

-Will gets a coming out scene.

-Max and Dustin team up.

-Robin and Nancy team up.

-Max isn’t doing too hot rn but shes getting a GREAT arc.

-Lucas Is on the basketball team and is semi popular but is being used to do the upper class men’s bidding, he gets AN ACTUAL ARC THIS SEASON! (Hurray!!)

-Heartfelt Joyce moments.

-An AWESOME sound track! I’ll be creating a Spotify playlist for this!!

-Nine episodes! (Since we don’t know the current episode titles I’ll be creating them as I go, but PLEASE be aware that we’ll probably have the real episode titles before my season is done.)

-This s season will be very similar to seasons one and two.

-Much more darker elements.

-Will actually gets screen time and is a center plot point again.

-Billy is still dead lol. No revival! Sorry!

-Kids in America plays !!

-El is a total badass this season.

-Mike and Robin moments.

-Murray and Erica moments.

-Dustin gets a super amazing plot that I’m super excited for!

-A much scarier threat this time, the worse they’ve encountered.

-And MUCH MUCH MORE!

I CURRENTLY HAVE EPISODES 1, 2, AND HALF OF 3 COMPLETED.

Episode one will be available very soon. Full season will be out by April or May hopefully, maybe sooner.

-THERE WILL BE A TRAILER!!

PLEASE REBLOG AND SPREAD THE WORD.

Check out my Instagram, @bylerluvver for sneak peaks.

I’ll be updating this ever so often, and will be posting sneak peaks here and there to get you guys pumped.

STAY TUNED!

-REBLOG PLEASE-

PS: link will be in my bio and pinned hopefully after I finish episode three.

Each episode will be about an hour in screen time, or about 80 pages.

EPISODE ONE OUT SOON!

[disjoineddisc]

Teen Beach Movie Inspired Eremin Au Because Why Not

This will be my second time writing this AU because tumblr decided to crash mid-way through attempt number one. If we crash again I will be going bonkers.

-------------------------

Cruisin for a Bruisin came up on my Spotify liked songs today and then this AU was made. Basically, if you’ve ever seen the movie Teen Beach Movie you’ll know what I’m talking about. If not, all you need to know is that there is a Capulet-Montague-style rivalry between the Bikers and Surfers in the town. It’s set in the 50s. It is literally the same thing here. Just some funny teenagers who like biking and surfing. 

SO. Eren and Mikasa are bikers. We already Knew this. The two of them do fun tricks together, even though Mikasa outshines Eren by a mile. Eren has always thought the rivalry thing was stupid. But, biking was fun! Mikasa just kind of followed Eren along with everything because. Eren + Bike is just asking for him to get hurt. And he does, a lot.

Armin works at Carla’s Cafe, the cafe owned by Carla Jaeger. It serves as the neutral ground between the Bikers and the Surfers. He’s about the only employee there. He’s pretty close with Carla (but not Eren.) In addition to that, he also surfs on the down-low. He isn’t officially affiliated with the Surfers and he doesn’t want to be. Armin thinks the rivalry is dumb, but surfing is fun. Most of the time he brings his board to the cafe and hides it in the back. 

It all starts out after Eren gets into an argument with his dad (all my homies hate Grisha Jaeger.) He just dips and decides to go out biking because he needs to blow off steam. Doing something is better than letting his anger sit. One time he let that happen and by the end of the day there was a hole in his wall. Eren decides to go down to the beach. It’s around the evening and he assumes nobody that would give him any trouble would be there. Plus, he knows a spot. It’s secluded and great for him to just,,, do donuts and whatever he wants in the sand. Off-roading has a danger that he loves. 

Turns out- that same place is where Armin surfs. It’s secluded and the waves there aren’t all that bad- it’s perfect. Eren sees Armin, Armin sees Eren. At first the two of them are apprehensive about one another because of the whole Surfer Biker thing. Eventually they figure out that one another is chill. Armin earns the nickname “Beach Boy.” The age-old “Ar” and “Min” eventually come into play, too. Armin just sticks to calling Eren Eren, sometimes using “Er” and “Ren” if the time feels right. There’s no real rhyme or reason to it, though. 

The two of them talk for awhile. Eren figures out that Armin goes to that same spot almost every night. Eren keeps making up excuses as to why he shows up. At first Armin is like “ah, okay. Well, hi :)”. But, it takes next to no time to figure out that Eren is just lying and pulling things from his ass. The excuses get more far out each time. It isn’t all that hard to put together. Ofc he doesn’t mind, though. Eventually Eren convinces himself that Armin just has to meet Mikasa. I’d imagine the exchange would go something like this: “Eren, who is Mikasa again?” “My sister. Look, Min, you guys will get along great!” “Yeah but isn’t she also a Bik-” “She doesn’t give a shit about that.” “I’m the most boring person kno-” “Stop making up excuses I’m bringing her here.” “Then why did you even ask me?” “Felt like the thing to do. Anyways. Me, you, Mikasa, here tomorrow at 7. ‘Kay?” “I-... Yeah? Sure...that’s fine.”

AND BOOM EMA.

Mikasa and Carla are the best wingmen Eren could ask for, though. They’re preceptive. They Know. Armin comes into work with more energy than he ever has. Eren keeps dipping on certain things to go to that small spot on the beach. Mikasa talks to her mom, her mom lets her know how a certain employee has been more chipper than ever. Mikasa shares her reports. They figure out whats going on before Eren and Armin figure out whats going on. Mikasa and Eren visit Carla’s Cafe one day. His mom walks up to him and is like: “Eren :) guess whos on shift today:)” “Literally who?” “:)” “Don’t you just have the one employ-” Out walks Armin in his lil uniform. Eren is once again swept off of his feet. 

I just Really Like this AU idea. Imagine Eren taking Armin on bike rides. Armin trying to teach Eren how to surf. Eren being cheesy whenever he visits Carla’s cafe and Armin has to serve him. Armin gives Eren bigger slices of pie, extra of his favorite food, whatever he wants. I just. At some point in time Armin starts bringing the books that he’s brought up in conversation so often to the beach. He reads to Eren when neither of them want to do much of anything (although I imagine that Armin still brings his surf board and Eren brings his bike but both things just sit there, unused.) 

If anyone wants to discuss this AU please hmu I have so many thoughts. Or, if you want to add on, please feel free to and lmk because just. 50s Biker and Surfer Au go brrrrr.

[whats-rambled-rambled]

Smoke&Mirrors - playlist

You can find it on Spotify here.

Let’s start from the beginning:

Imagine Dragons - Smoke and Mirrors

Okay, so with Stuck in reverse series everything started with one song that inspired me to write something, and you know what happened later.

With this new series, the idea came first (prompted by @vaneilla​’s wonderful brain, and you know what? I actually went back to check that bit of convo, and it was all because @gallifreyan-uprising​ did what she did to TP, so I guess thank you both, ladies!), and then I was looking for THE song, that could serve as an inspiration and as a title.

And because all my best ideas come to me while driving, and I had Imagine Dragons in my car’s CD player… BOOM.

//I'm starting to cave

I'm losing my flame

I wanted your truth

But I wanted the pain

To disappear

Dream maker, life taker

Open up my mind

All I believe

Is it a dream

That comes crashing down on me?

All that I hope

Is it just smoke and mirrors?

I want to believe

But all that I know

Is it just smoke and mirrors?//

This just felt so fitting for Reader and her struggle a little later in the series, and smoke and mirrors alone seemed like just what I needed to capture the essence of the main conflict between Neil and R.

Chapter 1: Imagine Dragons - Natural

I had the title, I knew what I wanted to do in the first chapter, but I still had doubts if I could switch to this new dynamic. -Neil being mean? I mean how even-- I needed a good playlist to get myself in the right mood to set the tone for the whole series, and even when I found a few songs that were good enough, I knew that none of them was the one. And then again, on my way to work, this time from my Spotify playlist - Natural. I literally started screaming when I realized that it was exactly what I’d been looking for. Not only because of its badass vibe, but those lyrics, holy shit -

//That's the price you pay

Leave behind your heart and cast away

Just another product of today

Rather be the hunter than the prey

And you're standing on the edge face up

'Cause you're a natural

A beating heart of stone

You gotta be so cold

To make it in this world

Yeah, you're a natural

Living your life cutthroat

You gotta be so cold

Yeah, you're a natural//

This is R.  “A beating heart of stone / You gotta be so cold / To make it in this world”. Because she might be all spiky and angry on the outside, but why is she that way? Because she has to. Because nothing ever came easy in her life.

And this is Neil, too. A true natural, as TP calls him. But he also plays a role, because he was put in a position he didn’t want. And not only by TP, but also by R. That scene in the bar? He really hopes to clear the air between them, but she is not ready to listen, and keeps antagonizing him. *sigh* We know how it ends up. Anyway -

bonus: Willyecho - Welcome to the fire

Found this one when I was looking for the vibe, and then those lyrics--:

//I'm focused

I've been watching for the omens

I've been listening to everything you've said

Its been running through my head

Locked and loaded

I've got the feeling that you've noticed

Yeah I've only just begun

I won't stop until it's done

'Til you're broken

So welcome to the fire

I'm the one who lit the night up//

-- because yes, R’s that mad at him, TP, the whole world at this point, really.

Chapter 2: Florence + the Machine - What kind of man

So you know, one of the challenges I’d set for myself for this series was to finally write a proper smut. God, was I stressed out (shoutout to my lovely friends who had to listen to my self-doubting whines for quite some time). And as I knew it was supposed to happen in this chapter, and I already had an appropriate build-up in mind, I needed a song. And it wasn’t this one, although it made its way to the chapter’s playlist. But as I actually wrote the whole thing down… I felt it had that vibe.

//You were on the other side, like always

You could never make you mine//

Oh R, my sweet summer child.

//To let me dangle at a cruel angle

Oh, my feet don't touch the floor

Sometimes you're half in and then you're half out

But you never close the door

What kind of man loves like this?//

And that part is just so fitting with the whole confusion.

bonus: Graffiti Ghosts - Last man standing

The one behind the shooting range sequence:

//Your trigger finger better think about your future

You’re getting twisted thinking I don’t want to shoot ya

I’ve been waiting for a long time

and I’m coming back to get what’s mine

Sick of living with your little double faces

I’m getting itchy and so livid I can taste it

I’ve been waiting for a long time

and I’m swinging til I get what’s mine

but I’m not going down

I’m not going down//

Can’t say that R isn’t fantasizing about shooting Neil at some point, it’s all I’m saying. And the vibe was all right, and worked for the sparring scene as well.

bonus:  Zayde Wolf - New Blood

I needed decent background music to write that sparring scene, you know - to hype myself up. And then found this song. Look at the lyrics:

//I spent my whole life chained to the wall

Hunger for more, not afraid to fall

Had to cut a man down to get where I am

But someone had to tumble, and someone had to stand

Don't try to fight, nothin' you can do

I'm gonna run all over you

It's too late to try, there's nothin' you can do

I'm gonna run all over you//

and

//Most of my life was heavy and hard, yeah

So many days, so many scars

But it was all of those years who make who I am, yeah

But I broke through, and here I stand, yeah//

Added to the playlist instantly. You can see it too, right?

bonus: Nothing But Thieves - Itch

I love this band and I’m eternally grateful that my dear friend @connie-nikas​ itroduced me to their music. Spotify suggested that it fit the mood for the playlist I already had for that part, so I checked the lyrics and YES:

//There's a hunger in my heart

It's full of promise, promise

There's an itch under my skin

It's under my skin, under my skin//

...

//There's a blood red on my shirt

And it's shining, shining

There's a sharp pain from my face

I kinda like it, I like it//

...

//I just wanna love

I just wanna touch

I just wanna see

'Cause I, I just wanna feel something real

'Cause I, I just wanna feel something real

Wanna feel something//

It fits more than one moment in the series, but that blood part seemed accurate for sparring, so it stayed in this chapter.

bonus: Dorothy - Wicked ones

Another Spotify suggestion, and it works pretty well for these dumbasses, although this part:

//This night ain't for the faint of heart

For the faint of heart, for the faint of heart

This night ain't for the faint of heart

'Cause the faint of heart gonna fall apart//

--this got me going while I was having heart palpitations as I was getting closer to the locker scene lol.

And then:

//Ain't no sleep when the wicked play

All we do is get laid, uuh uh uuh uuh

Ain't no love when the wicked run

All we do is try to lay off, lay off, lay off

We're the wicked ones, wicked ones//

Fits, right?

bonus: Muse - Undisclosed desires

I -blame- have to thank M for this one, and it was my initial title song for this part. Just see for yourselves:

//I know you've suffered

But I don't want you to hide

It's cold and loveless

I won't let you be denied

Soothing, I'll make you feel pure

Trust me, you can be sure

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart

I want to recognize your beauty's not just a mask

I want to exorcise the demons from your past

I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

You trick your lovers

That you're wicked and divine

You may be a sinner

But your innocence is mine

Please me, show me how it's done

Tease me, you are the one//

It just -- it’s not only about that one scene. Maybe it would be even better for part 3? Anyway, could be sung to R almost word for word, right?

Chapter 3: Nothing But Thieves - You know me too well

One of my favourites from this band, and I knew it had to be a title of some part of the story. Because:

//I gave you a call

Baby, I could come by, help forget it all

'Cause in this sticky weather, oh, it's really hard to sleep

As you know all too well

And when we dig together, oh, you make me feel so cheap

But I can't help myself

Filthy impetuous soul

I wanna give it to you

Oh, just to see what you do

'Cause I'm so drunk on you

Baby, you're all that I want

I want you all to myself

Oh, but you know me too well//

So yeah, filthy impetuous soul was only fair to use for that bathroom, right?

//And maybe you're right

We don't get on so well, when we lose the high//

That’s them at this point, all right.

//'Cause every love story always end in tragedy

If you wait long enough//

Oh hello, R’s beliefs here, clear as night.

//Renew me 'cause sometimes I forget

Got my own two hands clenched around my neck//

Could be said by both of them at this point, tbh.

bonus: Leann Rimes - Can’t fight the moonlight

So let me be frank - I knew I wanted to put that bathroom scene somewhere for quite some time, so it’s written purely for self-indulgence. I just needed to find an opportunity. And during one of the brainstorming sessions with A (because she was so kind to help me out with figuring things out when I stumbled over certain plot points, and I can’t thank her enough), the idea of karaoke night came to life and she gave me this song and fuck yes! That was it!  

One of my favourite Neil headcanons is that he likes cheesy songs, and Coyote Ugly movie has a special place in my heart, so I just knew it was the one for him! Especially because:

//Under the lovers sky

Gonna be with you

And no one's gonna be around

If you think that you won't fall

Well just wait until

'Til the sun goes down//

it’s just perfect if you wanna kinda seduce/kinda embarrass someone, right? And also:

//You can try to resist

Try to hide from my kiss

Don't you know, don't you know

That you, can't fight the moonlight

Deep in the dark, you'll surrender your heart//

Because yes, he wanted to kiss her in that locker room, that’s a thing you do when you’re attracted to someone, right? He thought it was just because of this whole angry sex thing, but was aware of that all the time, that’s why R’s reaction in the bathroom alarms him. I mean it would make him stop anyway, but still.

bonus: Ruelle - Until we go down

The mood progression in this song fried my brain, absolutely amazing!

The lyrics, too:

//And I feel it running through my veins

And I need that fire just to know that I'm awake

Erased, I missed till the break of day

And I need that fire just to know that I'm awake

Until we go down//

bonus: Bishop Briggs - Wild horses

Another song that captures the spirit of what’s going on in R’s head.

//You hold me down in the best way

No quarter from these chains that I've

Slept on my heart for a feeling

Why can't I let my demons out?

Keep screaming into the pillow

Cause your taste still gets me stupid high

Oh glory, I'm a believer

Oh glory, I'm a troubler//

At this point, she’s well aware of the effect Neil has on her, and the internal conflict is strong in this one.

//You call my truth in the worst way

Through the dirty lands of a broken smile

And I swear I'm not a pretender

Sometimes it's love who's the baby's cry

So, I keep on damning the devil

And you keep on saying it's alright

Oh glory, I'm a believer

Oh Lord, I'm holding tight, but//

And the whole vibe of this song, it’s like fuck I’m losing my mind, but I want you and I want you now. Just makes my breath hitch.

bonus: Transviolet - Bloodstream

And as I needed a certain mood, -(ended up actually writing with TENDER in the background because apparently I need a complete opposite mood seeping through my headphones to write any smut at all but anyway...)-, and this song is just...wow.

//Fingertips drip down my spine

Cruel desire, danger in our consequence

You look my way and I lose my…

Hey, you wanna rule the world?

Outlaw love, make you lose control

Hey, hey, boy you got me like whoa

White hot, adrenaline baby

In my veins, you got me praying

Whoa, whoa, whoaaaa

My pretty blue lips begging

Take me, I need you in my bloodstream

Hold me, break me

My breath is for holding, overdose me

I need you in my bloodstream

Hold me, break me, break me//

Hot. I won’t be taking any notes.

Chapter 4: Aimee Mann - Save me

You remember that part 4 was supposed to be the last one? Don’t ask me, I don’t know how I would manage to get that emotional progression from these dumbasses by the end of that part, so I’m glad y’all voted on splitting it into 2 (and then another 2) parts. But I already had a playlist for the finale, and then had to make a new one, and then had too many possible title songs.

Why did this one win? Because in my brain it’s directly connected to my OTP and also fits this part of the story. I battled myself if it was a spoiler or not (and also had trouble getting to terms with R ever admitting that she needs to be saved), but then thought - eh, what the hell, it has the right lyrics and a proper mood, and here it is.

//You look like a perfect fit

For a girl in need of a tourniquet

But can you save me

Come on and save me

If you could save me

From the ranks of the freaks

Who suspect they could never love anyone//

and that shift to this part, oh my heart:

//Except the freaks

Who suspect they could never love anyone

Except the freaks who could never love anyone.//

bonus: Jamie O'Neal - All by myself

Okay, so the car scene was in my mind for a little while, and in the initial outline, aka part 4 is the finale I couldn't find a place for it and thought I might end up making a one shot out of it, so when I actually had enough time to write it into the story, I was so excited!

I was looking for a song, and the first one that came to my mind was Air Supply - All out of love, but I could never beat what Jensen Ackles did in the outtakes of that one Supernatural episode, so I had to abandon that song, sadly. And then I thought about the one with basically the same vibe and *ding ding ding*.  And of course Neil would know it. And would know what movie this is from (just look at him and try telling me he doesn’t like British rom-coms, I dare you). And would tease R about it. (and that’s why I used that cover of this song).

//Hard to be sure

Sometimes I feel so insecure

And loves so distant and obscure

Remains the cure

All by myself

Don't wanna be

All by myself

Anymore//

bonus: Meg Myers - Motel

I’ve discovered Meg’s music just because of Spotify’s recommendations, and oh my god, it’s amazing! And this song just felt right for their talk during the stakeout, just look at the lyrics:

//You're weak, broken in a motel

You blink, tears are falling down, down, down

And you're free, free inside your own hell

You speak, someone let me out, out, out

And I can't stop this pain, it only grows

Tell me why I always feel alone

And I can't fight this feeling anymore

Show me what I'm really living for

I wanna love, wanna live, wanna breath, wanna give

But it's hard and it's dark and we're doomed from the start

I wanna love, wanna live, wanna breathe, wanna give

But it's hard and it's dark and I'm falling apart//

ahh, nothing like a good old angst, am I right? Perfect for writing about the more vulnerable sides of them.

bonus: Fear Of Men - Sane

There is just something in this song that resonates deeply, you know?

//I see you drowning

Half flesh half stone

With ambitions that drain your health

You hear me

(Secrets)

You run from me

You hear me

(You hear me)

I know

You hear me

(Secrets)

You run from me

You hear me

(You hear me)

You know, you know, you know

It’s in your eyes when you’re perfectly sane

It’s in your blood when you can’t bear these heavy thoughts again

It’s in your eyes when you’re perfectly sane

It’s in your blood when you can’t bear these heavy thoughts again//

bonus: Laura Doggett - Beautiful undone

That track almost ended up as the title. When I stumbled upon this song, I was completely blown away, as in I-had-it-on-repeat-for-4h-straight blown away.

//I took you walking

Through the murmurations of my mind//

that line just strikes me right through the heart, and it gets even better later:

//I'm looking down and my heart's connected

I'm feeling love from a different view

We learn the most when we least expect it

We learn the most when we break in two//

I don’t think that any of them expects to learn more about each other during that one mission. I mean sure, Neil counts on it, but doesn’t know what it's gonna be. And if she lets him into his head at all.

//You know you're beautiful undone

(Shine on)

So beautiful undone

You look beautiful undone

(Hearts connected)

My boy of blue.//

My boy of blue. I don’t know why it screamed Neil to me, but it did.

//It's the cracks that let the light shine

It's the cracks that let the light shine through.//

And that’s exactly it.

Chapter 5: LAUREL - Blue blood

Okay, THIS song, as soon as I heard it, I was like - this is it, this is her.

//You woke me up for your blue blood

Made me come undone

Can't believe you've been here the whole time

Too nice to pass you by and I can't believe

You've been here the whole time

You made me feel again

Made me dance circles 'round the pieces of your heart

You made me feel again

After the last time, didn't think that I could love//

That “was he always so gorgeous” moment, right? When she just sees him for the first time this way. And is slowly coming to terms with her feelings.

bonus: Prep School - Come as you are

So this one… We all know the original song (or this is my old ass talking), but only when I heard this cover, I really felt it, you know?

//Come as you are, as you were

As I want you to be

As a friend, as a friend

As an old enemy//

Just made me think about R being ready to get to know Neil better. About the shift in their dynamic.

//When I swear that I don't have a gun

No I don't have a gun//

She lets her guard down, and is ready to trust him.

Also - how great is the mood of this song? That crescendo just takes my breath away, and that calmer moment at the end? Good god. Utter perfection.

bonus: Ray LaMontagne - Such a simple thing

I’ve been sitting on this song for quite some time, and just had to find a suitable moment for it. And this was it.

//Tell me what you're feeling

I can take the pain

Tell me that you mean it

That you won't leave again

Tell me what your heart wants

Such a simple thing

My heart is like paper

Yours is like a flame

I can't make you see

If you don't by now

I'll get through these chains

Some how, some how

Take it if you want it

I'm so tired I just don't care

Can't you see how much you hurt me?

It's like I wasn't there//

My heart just aches while I listen to this song. It’s so tender, and yet so heartbreaking.

bonus: Keane - Hamburg sing

When A sent me this song, god, the way I screamed. Because this is so Neil.

//I don't wanna be adored

Don't wanna be first in line

Or make myself heard

I'd like to bring a little light

To shine a light on your life

To make you feel loved

No, I don't wanna be the only one you know

I want to be the place you call home

I lay myself down to make it so

But you don't want to know

I give much more than I'd ever ask for

Will you see me in the end

Or is it just a waste of time?

Trying to be your friend?

Just shine, shine, shine

Shine a little light

Shine a light on my life

And warm me up again//

At this point in the story, he already fell for her hard. And can just hope that she sees him at one point, too.

You know, writing that first really intimate moment between them-- I know I was supposed to be on R’s side, but I knew what was going on in Neil’s head at that point (that’s why I was so happy when Chels asked that one question that made me write Come as you are) and... I don’t know, I’m so soft for this idiot, I just want to hug him.

//Fool, I wonder if you know yourself at all

You know that it could be so simple//

My dumbasses.

Chapter 6: Phantogram - You’re mine

We’re gonna save this one for the very end, just mentioning it here as we move to the next chapter.

bonus: Adna - Night

You know that sad music montage thing that the movies do after a breakup scene or something? This song has that exact vibe.

//Silence grows and you're all i know

Eyes are closed, I'll see your smile, your love

Thinking

This is what

It could be

Knowing

It is all

It would be

In the night

When you see

What i see

In the night when you feel

What i mean

You're my knight

And my dream

And my only sight

Oh you

Oh you

Stay true//

For me, it’s the beginning of chapter 6. R is almost heartbroken, and that almost comes from the part of her that still thinks that still fights the idea that she might have any feelings for that blonde idiot. Conceal, don't feel, or something. But she’s being haunted by random memories from their time together.

bonus: Snow Patrol - Make this go on forever

This song makes my heart ache and clench and oh my god--

//Please don't let this turn into something it's not

I can only give you everything I've got

I can't be as sorry as you think I should

But I still love you more than anyone else could

All that I keep thinking throughout this whole flight

Is it could take my whole damn life to make this right

This splintered mast I'm holding on won't save me long

Because I know fine well that what I did was wrong//

This works for the sad montage thing I’ve mentioned, but it was all about this line:

//First kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything//

I was listening to it on my way home one day and my eyes welled up. Because that’s what I wanted both of them to feel right then.

//And I don't know where to look

My words just break and melt

Please just save me from this darkness//

and these lines just brought the image of Neil stumbling over his words and, well, that was it. I knew it had to be done like that.

bonus: Walking On Cars - Speeding Cars

This song is about something different, but there is one part that resonated with the story:

//Even the half smile would have slowed down the time

If I could call you half mine

Maybe this is the safest way to go//

Just fits. Had to be there.

bonus: Etham - Before I lose my mind - Stripped

I think I found this one a while ago, and then it came on when I had Spotify on shuffle, and oh myyyy goooood. That heart-wrenching yearning? So, so on point.

//Look at the state I'm in

I couldn’t say where I've been

Lord knows that it ain't felt like home//

This is as much R’s song, as it is Neil’s.

//I don't know what

I've been running from, running from

Or what I thought I would find

All I know is

You're the only one, only one

I need you tonight

Before I lose my mind//

and this part:

//Don't tell me that I’m too late this time

So much I couldn’t see

With words that I didn't speak

What do I have to do to make you mine?//

This part of the playlist is just utter heartbreak and yearning, but it was only fitting. Just moments before the confession.

bonus: Nick Wilson - Let me hold you

On repeat for the whole part with Neil’s confession. This song is so goddamn beautiful, I can’t--.

//We've been there before

Reaching the end but forgetting the reason we started this for

In all of our flaws

Laid out beneath us, there's no need to keep building up these walls

(Oh we can't go on)

Just let me hold you

I'll run my fingers through your hair

Let our ghost loose

Let me know that you're still there//

bonus: Liz Longley - Rescue my heart

This, on the other hand, started playing right after, and I partially blame it for R’s breakdown. I was just staring at that line about her being afraid to lose him and I was like “where the hell this came from, girl?” and then, as I was trying to push them both further into the plot, but they kinda refused to let each other go, so I was sitting there like “you guys really needed that, huh?”

I know what it sounds like. But when I spend so much time with my characters, really fleshing them out in every possible way, they kinda develop minds of their own, and later they guide me through the dialogue parts, and even sometimes ruin my initial plans. Because they know best how they would behave right then. So all I have to do is just follow them. Or try reasoning with them. (Had a moment like that at the end of the first scene in chapter 6, like had this feeling that R just wanted to dwell on the nature of her relationship with Ives, but I didn’t want to put it there so openly, I was happy with leaving a line here and there, so I had to put my foot down pff - and it switched into that bit about friendships in general)

Right, back to the song:

//Lying to myself I can make it on my own

Making it alone is lonely

Twisting and I'm turning

Oh I'm crashing and I'm burning

So reach out your hand to me

Come down

Rescue my heart I'll drown

Without you//

This is it.

bonus: Madonna - I want you

You know, one of my favourite parts of the writing process is just bumping the ideas around, and I have been blessed to have a wonderful friend such as M, who’s always there when I need to discuss different ideas or just got a bit of dialogue I really want to share. And knowing what I was writing, she sent me this song.

And I’ve been listening to it a lot ever since, and when Neil started his confession, and struggled with words, I wrote: "I want…you.” He moved closer. “The right way.”

I stopped, staring at that line, like really, Neil? This is it? Then the next song from the playlist started playing and:

//I want you the right way

I want you, but I want you to want me too//

So I just sighed and moved on, dropping a short message to M on the way.

bonus: Welshly Arms - Need you tonight

Spotify recommends the best covers, hands down. I love the original song, but this right here? It’s everything.

//How do you feel

I'm lonely

What do you think

Can't take it all

What ya gonna do

Gonna live my life

So slide over here

And give me a moment

Your moves are so raw

I've got to let you know

I've got to let you know

You're one of my kind

I need you tonight

'Cause I'm not sleeping

There's something about you girl

That makes me sweat//

bonus: TENDER - Afternoon

Every song of theirs is just incredibly sensual, so I thought it was only fair to include one of those for the scene (thank you again A, their music is everything, I swear). And this one was particularly accurate:

//I'm spendin' all of my time tryna open up

Let it breathe, let it breathe

It all comes down

To whether you love me anymore

God, I hope you do

'Cause I can't tell, I can't tell

By the look in your eyes//

bonus: Layla - Weightless

Another one for that moment.

//A silver whisper, take flight and steal into my mouth

An urge to kiss you and let this secret pleasure out

Your touch so tender, a helpless roar of golden play

This youthful slender, hallucinate my woes away

We are weightless

We are invincible

Nothin' like this

Flyin' like cannonballs//

bonus: Rob Simonsen - Soft center

While I was discussing the main plot points with A, we knew there had to be a morning after scene, and she had just a song for it. Utter perfection.

end credits: Phantogram - You’re mine

I know I say it a lot, but when A sent it to me… The way I screamed. I couldn’t believe it. The story was already like 2 parts in, I think? And this song...every line was about them. Every. Goddamn. One. And the overall  I just thought to myself “oh, end credits rolling right here.”

//You don't talk to no one

Don't you look at nothing

Focus on me

Look into my eyes

Come a little closer

Let me tell you something

Eat your ego honey

Honey swallow your pride

You don't talk to no one

Don't you look at nothing

Focus on me

Look into my eyes

Come a little closer

Let me tell you something

You ain't going anywhere

'Cause you mine//

And from this part it gets even better:

//I used to be a rifle

Yeah I had my distance,

Whistling like a bullet in the sky//

//I used to be a psycho

Yeah I had my demons,

Crawling like a spider up my spine//

*incoherent screaming*

And the next part took me right back to the very first scene.

//I spotted you the second I walked in the building

I knew that you had let me get you high//

Right? Right???

//I wanna hear the things you say when no-one's listening

But that don't matter anyway...

'Cause you're mine//

And that’s it.

Damn, what a wild ride that was.

Thank you for staying with me until the very end.

[thekillerssluts]

The Story Behind Every Song On Will Butler’s New Album Generations

Will Butler has a lot on his mind. It has, after all, been five years since his solo debut, Policy. A lot can happen in half a decade, and a lot has happened in this past half-decade — much of it quite dire. Butler was in his early 30s when Policy came out, and now he’s closing in on 40. He’s a husband and father. And he’s shaken by the state of the world, the idea of being an artist and a soon-to-be middle-aged man striving to guide his family through the chaos.

At least, that’s how it comes across through much of Generations, his sophomore outing that arrives today. Generations is a big, sprawling title by nature, and the album in turn grapples with all kinds of big picture anxieties. Mass shootings, the overarching darkness and anxiety of our time, trying to reckon with our surroundings but the system overload that occurs all too easily in the wake of it. Then there are more intimate songs, too, tales drawn from personal lives as people plug along just trying to navigate a tumultuous era.

Butler is, of course, no stranger to crafting music that seeks to parse the cultural moment and how it impacts in our daily lives. Ever since Arcade Fire ascended to true arena-rock status on The Suburbs 10 years ago, they have embarked on projects that explicitly try to make sense of our surroundings. (Not that their earlier work was bereft of heavy concepts — far from it — but Reflektor and Everything Now turned more of a specific eye towards contemporary ills and trials.) But as one voice amongst many in Arcade Fire, there is a cinematic scope to whatever Butler’s playing into there.

On Generations, he engages with a lot of similar concerns but all in his own voice — often yelping, desperate, frustrated then just trying to catch a breath. Butler leans on his trusty Korg MS-20 throughout Generations, often giving the album a synth-y indie backdrop that allows him to try on a few different selves. There are a handful of surging choruses, “la-la” refrains batting back against the darkness, slinking grooves maybe allowing someone the idea of brief physical release amidst ongoing strife.

Ahead of Generations’ arrival, Butler sent us some thoughts on the album, running from inspiration between the individual tracks to little details about the arrangement and composition of different songs. Now that you can hear the album for yourself, check it out and read along with Butler’s comments below.

1. “Outta Here”

I think this is the simplest song on the record. Just, like, get me out of here. Get me fucking out of here. I’m so tired of being here. No, I don’t have another answer, and I don’t expect anything to be better anywhere else. But, please, I would like to leave here.

I can play plenty of instruments, and can make interesting sounds on them, but kinda the only instrument I’m good at is a synth called the Korg MS-20. That’s the first sound on the record. It makes most of the bass you hear on the record. It’s a very aggressive, loud, versatile machine, and I wanted to start the record with it cause I’m good at playing it and it makes me happy.

2. “Bethlehem”

This song partly springs from “The Second Coming” by William Butler Yeats:​ “What rough beast, its hour come round at last, slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?” Like a lot of folks, I woke up after the election in 2016 mad and sad and scared and exhausted. This song is born of that emotion.

My bandmates Jenny Shore, Julie Shore, and Sara Dobbs sing the bridge, and it’s a corrective to my (appropriate?) freaking out — this isn’t the apocalypse. You’re misquoting Yeats. Get your fucking head on straight. History has not ruptured — this shit we’re in is contiguous with the shit we’ve been dealing with for a long, long time. But still, we sometimes do need an apocalyptic vision to make change. Even if it’s technically wrong. I dunno. It’s an ongoing conversation.

There’s a lot of interplay with backing vocals on this record — sometimes the narrator is the asshole, sometimes the backing vocals are the asshole. Sometimes they’re just trying their best to figure out the world. This song starts that conversation.

3. “Close My Eyes”

I tried to make these lyrics a straightforward and honest description of an emotion I feel often: “I’m tired of waiting for a better day. But I’m scared and I’m lazy and nothing’s gonna change.” Kind of a sad song. Trying to tap into some Smokey Robinson/Motown feeling — “I’ve got to dance to keep from crying.”

There’s a lot of Mellotron on this record, and a lot of MS-20. This song has a bunch of Mellotron strings/choirs processed through the MS-20. It’s a trick I started doing on the Arcade Fire song “Sprawl II,” and I love how it sounds and I try to do it on every song if I can.

4. “I Don’t Know What I Don’t Know”

This makes a pair with “Close My Eyes” — shit is obviously fucked, but “I don’t know what I don’t know what I don’t know what I can do.” I’m not a proponent of the attitude! Just trying to describe it, as I often feel it. In my head, I know some things that I can do — my wife Jenny, for instance, works really hard to get state legislatures out of Republican control. Cause it’s all these weirdo state legislative chambers that have enormous power over law enforcement, and civil rights, and Medicaid, and everything.

The image in the last verse was drawn from the protests in Ferguson in 2015: “Watch the bullets and the beaters as they move through the streets — grab your sister’s kids — hide next to the fire station…” It’s been horrifically disheartening to see the police riot across America as their power has been challenged. I’ve got a little seed of hope that we might change things, but, man, dark times.

More MS-20 bass on this one, chained to the drum machine. This one is supposed to be insanely bass heavy — if it comes on in a car, the windows should be rattling, and you should be asking, “What the heck is going on here?” Trying for a contemporary hip-hop bass sound but in a way less spare context. First song with woodwinds — rhythmic stuff and freaky squeals by Stuart Bogie and Matt Bauder.

5. “Surrender”

This song is masquerading as a love song, but it’s more about friendship. About the confusion that comes as people change: Didn’t you use to have a different ideal? Didn’t we have the same ideal at some point? Which of us changed? How did the world change? Relationships that we sometimes wish we could let go of, but that are stuck within us forever.

It’s also about trying to break from the first-person view of the world. “What can I do? What difference can I make?” It’s not about some singular effort — you have to give yourself over to another power. Give over to people who have gone before who’ve already built something — you don’t have to build something new! The world doesn’t always need a new idea, it doesn’t always need a new personality. What can you do with whatever power and money you’ve got? Surrender it over to something that’s already made. And then the song ends with an apology: I’m sorry I’ve been talking all night. Just talk talk talking, all night. Shut up, Will.

Going for “wall of sound” on this one — bass guitar and bass synth and double tracked piano bass plus another piano plus Mellotron piano. The “orchestra” is about a dozen different synth and Mellotron tracks individually detuned. And then run through additional processing.

6. “Hide It Away”

This song is about secrets. Both on an intimate, heartbreaking level — friends’ miscarriages, friends’ immigration status, shitty affairs coming to light — and on a grand, horrible level: New York lifting the statute of limitations on child abuse prosecutions, all the #MeToo reporting. There’s nothing you can do when your secret is revealed. Like, what can you do? You just have to let the response wash over you. If you’ve done something horrible, god-willing, you’ll have to pay for it in some way. If it’s something not horrible, but people will hate you anyway, goddammit, I wish there were some way to protect you.

This song has the least poetic line on the record, a real clunker: “It’s just money and power, money and power might set them free.” But it’s a clunky, shitty concept — the most surefire protection is being rich and knowing powerful people. But even then, shit just might come out. Even after you’re long dead.

Came from a 30-second guitar sample I recorded while messing around at the end of trying to track a different song. I liked the chords, looped them to make a demo. And the song was born from there. This is the one song I play drums on. Snare is chained to the MS-20, trying to play every frequency the ear can hear at the same time on some of those big hits.

7. “Hard Times”

[Laughs] I sat down and tried to write a Spotify charting electro-hit, and this is what came out: “Kill the rich, salt the earth.” Oh well. Written way before COVID-19, but my 8-year-old son turned to me this spring and asked, “Did you write the song ‘Hard Times’ about now, because we’re living through hard times?” No, I didn’t.

In Dostoevsky’s Notes From Underground, the narrator is a real son-of-a-bitch—contrarian, useless. Mad at the strong confident people who think they’ve got it figured out. And they don’t! And neither does the narrator — but he knows he doesn’t, and he at times yearns for some higher answer, and he’s funny, and too clever, but still knows he’s a piece of shit. I read Notes From Underground in high school and kinda forgot how it shaped my worldview until I sat down with it a couple years ago. The bridge on this song is basically smushed up quotes from Notes From Underground.

I was asking Shiftee, who mixed the record, if there are any vocal plug-ins I should be playing around with. He pointed me toward Little AlterBoy, which is basically a digital recreation of the kind of pedal the Knife use, for instance, on their vocal sound. It can shift the timbre/character of a voice without changing the pitch. Or change pitch without changing character. Very fun! Very much all over this track. Tried to make the bridge sound like a Sylvester song.

8. “Promised”

Another friend song masquerading as a love song. I’ve met a handful of extraordinary people in my life, who stopped doing extraordinary work because life is hard and it sucks. People who — I mean, it’s a lottery and random and who cares — could be great writers or artists, who kind of just disappeared. And it’s heartbreaking and frustrating. I don’t blame them. Maybe they weren’t made for this world. Maybe it’s just random. Maybe they’ll do amazing work in their 60s!

We tracked this song before it was written. Julie and Miles came over and we made up a structure and did a bunch of takes, found a groove. Which I then hacked up into what it is now! The bed tracks are lovely and loose. Maybe I’ll put out a jammier version of this song at some point. The other big synth on this record is the Oberheim OB-8, and that’s the bass on this one (triple tracked along with some MS-20).

9. “Not Gonna Die”

This song is about terrorism, and the response to terrorism. I wrote it a couple weeks after the Bataclan shooting in Paris in 2015. For some reason, a couple weeks after the shooting, I was in midtown Manhattan. I must have been Christmas shopping. I had to pop into the Sephora on 5th Avenue to pick up something specific — I think for my wife or her sister. I don’t remember. But I remember walking in, and the store was really crowded, and for just a split second I got really scared about what would happen if someone brought out a gun and started shooting up the crowd. And then I got so fucking mad at the people that made me feel that emotion. Like, I’m not gonna fucking die in the midtown Sephora, you fucking pieces of shit. Thanks for putting that thought in my head.

BUT ALSO, fuck all the fucking pieces of shit who are like, “We can’t accept refugees — what if they’re terrorists?” FUCK OFF. Some fucking terrified family driven from their home by a war isn’t going to kill me. Or anyone. Fuck off. Some woman from Central America fleeing from her husband who threatened to kill her isn’t going to fucking bomb Times Square. You fucking pieces of shit.

In November/December 2015, the Republican primary had already started — Trump had announced in June. And every single one of those pieces of shit running for president were talking about securing our borders, and keeping poor people out, and trying to justify it by security talk. FUCK OFF. You pieces of shit. Fuck right off. Anyway. Sorry for cursing.

I kind of think of the outro of this song as an angry “Everyday People.” Everyday people aren’t going to kill me. Lots of great saxes on this track from Matt Bauder and Stuart Bogie.

The intro of the song we recorded loud, full band, which I then ran through the MS-20 and filtered down till it was just a bass heart-pulse, and re-recorded solo piano and voice over that.

10. “Fine”

I kind of think that “Outta Here” to “Not Gonna Die” comprise the record, and “Fine” operates as the afterword and the prologue rolled into one. An author’s note, maybe. It was kind of inspired by high-period Kanye: I wanted to talk about something important in a profane, sometimes horribly stupid way, but have it be honest and ultimately transcendent.

In the song, I talk semi-accurately about where I come from. My mom’s dad was a guitar player who led bands throughout the ’30s and ’40s. In post-war LA, he had a band with Charles Mingus as the bass player. Charles Mingus! One of the greatest geniuses in all of American history. But this was the ’40s, and in order to travel with the band, to go in the same entrances, to eat dinner at the same table, he had to wear a Hawaiian shirt and everybody had to pretend he was Hawaiian. Because nobody was sure how racist they were supposed to be against Hawaiians.

Part of the reason I’m a musician is that my great-grandfather was a musician, and his kids were musicians, and their kids were musicians, and their kids are musicians. Part of the reason is vast generations of people working to make their kids’ lives better, down to my life. Part of the reason is that neither government nor mob has decided to destroy my family’s lives, wealth, and property for the last couple hundred years. I tried to write a song about that?

Generations is out now via Merge. Purchase it here.

https://www.stereogum.com/2098946/will-butler-generations-song-meanings/franchises/interview/footnotes-interview/

[shadowtongued]

long headcanon about the duality of love and the mahjarrat condition pertaining to it from his point of view. if you read all this babble i swear to god, i love you, i hope you have a good day. cw: sex addiction, child neglect, unhealthy coping, unrequited pains. reason for writing: hi i want to die bc of angst.

i think we all know even without playing medieval xp grind lore game, runescape, that sliske is old. very old. he tells us in endgame there's not much he hasn’t done with his life over thousands of years, even traveling to other planets and realms to just see what was out there and how far he could get. i’ve always projected his age as somewhere between more than 8,000 or even more than 10,000. we’re never given a timeline to how long the children of mah have lived. sliske has done a lot with his time; he’s killed a god, had quite a few elder relics in his grasp, SPOKEN to a elder god and managed not to die, mastered shadow magicks, has an excellent grasp on the shadow realm. he’s good with biology, chemistry, has a fair understanding of soul magic which is kind of a rare brand of knowledge, he’s tricked probably thousands into bad contracts to become wights in his army, understands the psychology and bad morals of people. he was a playwright, a high ranking officer, a spymaster. dude is just a determined polymath. you know what he hasn’t done? love. he’s never got to play with love.

mahjarrat are explained as having emotions, but dulled ones. they feel rage and pride apparently better than others. kharshai said after years of really believing he was a human, that when he came back to his true form he states “i  feel raw power coursing through my veins. i don't feel pain like i used to, and i'm sure my intellect has increased. but somehow there is something missing. a capacity for emotion that i can't quite put my finger on.” they aren’t equipped for the same range of positive emotions as others are. they feel it, but they don’t understand it fully, it has been said by developers. this whole bit is sadly funny considering in canon, sliske catches feelings. he doesn’t realize he’s attracted to the player character. it’s stated many times, in his journals, in dialogue, etc. he believes their fates are tangled no matter what. and the saddest bit is he probably doesn’t understand these feelings and it confuses him to the point of anger.  “ love! a mahjarrat in love? ... i almost wish that were true. it would certainly make the universe a more interesting place. ” “ so perhaps i have loved you. but that doesn’t mean i have to like you.”  sliske’s main goal started off as to take the players immortal, unable to be crushed by the divine, soul and give it to himself so he could live forever, as mahjarrats do not have afterlives, once they die they are done, evaporated into energy. but in endgame we learn something from him hidden in masks that refutes that;

“I love you for more than your soul.”

you STUPID fucker, you’re in love.

the remainder of this is a lot of NON-CANON, personal headcanon interpretation that pretty much only works on this blog. as a rough summary: sliske’s ol’ mum was not fond of her kids, half-brother wahisietel or sliske since she did not see them as powerful as herself and was disappointed that's what her legacy came out to. a short, beefy, average at magic son, she had another go and was still disappointed with this spidery, scrawny, gifted but absolutely annoying stick underweight child. his father, saw him once or twice in his life and that was it. dyeosuthua wanted nothing more than to make them disappear and try again until she got offspring she didn’t want to throw into a lava pit in secrecy, infanticide was against tribal law due to population issues. sliske’s mother’s neglect was so severe, ( by the absolute boundless joys of rp development and mutual heacanons ♥ ) that wahi and nabor had an attempt at raising him and keeping him from freezing to death. why is all this jargon important? because while all mahjarrats are raised by tough love, sliske’s attention deprivation from his mother was so severe, he grew up and still has a slew of reactive attachment, psychological, and social issues he still carries as an adult. several times she threatened to kill him and almost made good on it more than twice. when wahisietel had proven he was a survivor of the first ritual of rejuvenation, sliske became dyeosuthua’s  main target for abuse despite his gift for magic at a young age. nothing he did could impress her enough. and it left him constantly seeking approval and validation to an insecure mind.

the more he grew, the more confident he became mainly out of spite and to get attention. he’s loud, charming, makes you the only person in the room when he talks to you. he has an innate silver-tongued ability that persuades people to do just about anything. it was a front for his insecurities that he kept very very closed up. in the second age/senntisten capital, sliske had a pretty severe sex addiction as it was one of the few ways he felt validated and was able to get affection in a way he could digest. people with reactive attachment disorders often have sex addictions to fill the space of acceptance without having to commit.. easy, feel good intimacy without having to open up and let someone learn about your vulnerabilities and commit. it was pretty severe, considering mahjarrats find any kind of breeding or intimacies outside their ‘superior species’ as downright foul. sliske had always been the black sheep of the tribe and with his status as praefectus praetorio; head of secret police, really nothing put a damper on him trying to fill the void for affection he had. there wasn’t a species or individual he wouldn’t bed. he would easily take up propositions even for people who just wanted to fuck a mahjarrat because it was ‘exotic’ or because of his status as an officer, he now looks back on this and it bruises his insecurities even more that he allowed himself to do that. not out of pride for his species. but himself, being just a thing to be had because of rarity. azzanadra and his brother, wahisietel found out about it and while disgusted, partially understood what he was doing to negatively self soothe. at one point sliske and azzanadra, the champion of their god and head of the church, as well of one of the strongest living of their kin, had a lasting tryst for a few years and for awhile it made sliske feel very much self important in a way and alleviated his need to be needed so badly, this did not end well when sliske grew tired of their empire and wanted freedom. once childhood best friends and lovers had become absolute enemies once sliske became too unstable and azzanadra became too zealous. 

sliske gave up his sexcapades for a long time, thousands of years, his libido dropped when he became interested in other projects and self healing when he was hit with the idea that he hasd essentially allowed himself to be an exotic fling and still burned over becoming his god, zaros, scapegoat after all he had done for him. love was a weird concept to him and still is. despite being adamant love doesn’t exist for his kind, and his belief that he is flawed, unstable, and embraced the idea of ‘you want a monster? fine! i’ll be the monster!’. he expects no pity, not be forgiven to things he has done and even in game when you sycophantically try to cozy to him, he straight up calls out your text choice was awful considering some of the shitty things he might have done to you. to sliske, all attention to him is attention, whether you’re praising or insulting him. he’s on your mind, he exists, that’s all he wants.

backstory aside the real part of this headcanon is that sliske actually wants love. it’s the only thing aside from an immortal soul he hasn’t had. sliske actually has an attraction to humans because they are empathetic, curious, passionate, and determined. he has an easier time assimilating and being around them since he has ALWAYS had a better sense of humor, socializing, and happiness than his kin. he feels emotions a lot stronger than his fellow mahjarrats. it allows him to talk to and connect to humans and humanlike species better. others of his kind have told him there’s “something wrong” with him for that. he’s actually a romantic, even if he’s just mimicking romance stories, movies, and actions from others. he thinks the idea of settling with one person and loving them is both mortifying and interesting. opening yourself up to someone and giving them the hammer to smash your cherry-red painted porcelain heart and seeing if they do, to him might be the ultimate form of trust and biggest gamble of russian roulette. the stakes are so heavy he’s high on the idea. but it’s also horrifying. mahjarrat are prolific for not opening up, not allowing others in, vulnerability out in the open is a death sentence. they live in a kratocracy/meritocracy where they kill off the weakest link. it’s not pretty. being soft is a useless, unnecessary, weak gene to them. it dampers survival. 

but yet sliske keeps reading romance novels, writing his own confused poetry, and getting into unrequited one sided loves but practicing a backstabbing betrayal when one gets too close. i have to hurt them before they hurt me, betray and cut them down before they can do it to me. i think he wants to be loved. i think he kinda wants to be taught to love, for the emotions and the sake of knowledge. ( brb james newton howard’s ‘true love’s kiss’ from maleficent just came on spotify and i think i’m going to die bc i did not ask for background music thanks!!! ) he wouldn’t be the best at it, maybe a little too possessive with you, codependent, but very nurturing and fun loving. will sepnd a whole week spooning you.. people who hurt you past, present, and future may end up dead in mysterious ways or turned into a wight for you to beat the shit out of. but he’d try. he’s still got a broken child sitting behind his third rib. i think he would snarl the first few times someone genuinely got close to him, it would terrify him, being known on such a skinned, raw level. having gentle touches that are real and not a come hither to the bedroom. being known for something other than the confident, ego he has is death. he could be taught to be gentle for a crumb of consistent attention. might even cut down the murders and god killing down by 15%. love is not going to fix him, it’s not going to forgive the actual shitty things he’s done. it should never do that. but it will turn the lights on in a dark house.

love could really break him. i think so. i’d type more but this has gone on too long and i feel sad-happies. 

[darlinvandijk]

Hickey Prank

Concept: another prank on ruel but instead of pregnancy it’s the hickey prank since I love the idea of pranking him and making him freak out before being all cute with him. Like usual dm me or whatnot for a request. Also don’t worry I’ll be doing a pt. 2 for him doing the prank as revenge (Sorry that this is so long lmao, do y’all like long imagines? Or should I shorten them in the future) Hope you enjoy :)

“What’s going on whores? Y’all requested I do another prank on Rueloff, so I decided that the pregnancy prank wasn’t enough, it’s time to up the game. And you know what that means... HICKEY TIME” I screech at my camera sitting in front of me with a giant smile.

I continue my intro and what I’m going to do, before introducing Coco as my professional makeup artist for the fake hickey, both of us laughing since we know it’s going to be a good video. We joke around and film while she starts applying the eyeshadows on my neck.

“Honestly I’m so good at this, like I could be a professional. Ruel could never leave a hickey as good as me, like fuck real ones, we only rocking fakes ones from here on out bitches” Coco cheers as I laugh. Trust her to be the only person to ever say something like that, but I mean she is the best Van Dijk for a reason.

“Wait am I doing one, or like one that’s more noticeable than the others with a few scattered around? Like I guess my question is what does my brother do so we can do something he’d know wasn’t his” she questions, fake gagging as she thinks about Ruel giving me a hickey. I instantly burst out laughing, knowing she’s gonna hate what I’m about to say.

“Okay welllll you see he doesn’t usually leave any on my neck because of paps and fans trying to take pics, so he’ll know they aren’t his if they’re above my collarbones” I laugh out, covering my face at my confession, feeling it heat up under my hands. Coco chokes on air at my statement, not wanting to know what her little brother does in his free time with me.

“Wow I definitely did not want to know that but I’ll do one more noticeable one with a few light ones scattered around” she mumbles, continuing on with her makeup application on me, as I turn off the camera, deciding to just start filming again once it’s time. I put on one of my Spotify playlists, both of us just singing along and talking about how we think he’s going to react. I start to fiddle with my promise ring as my hands start to sweat, before deciding to just take it off and set it on the nightstand, making a mental note to put it back on before we start the prank.

“Honestly like I’m really not sure about what he’s going to do, like he’s so unpredictable. The fans never see it but he can get pretty angry sometimes when it has to do with people he loves.” Coco muses while setting the makeup and making sure it looks like it’s my skin and not super fake, knowing he’ll really stare at it to see if he’s just losing his mind. I ponder over what she says, genuinely unsure of what his reaction will be since it’s basically me tricking him into thinking I’m cheating.

“Yeah, I definitely get what you mean. I’m not sure if he’s going to be really sad and hurt or if he’s going to be really hurt but fucking pissed with me” she hums in agreement, knowing that there’s no way to be sure of his reaction, but just hope that he doesn’t lose it completely.

“Well no matter what I’m here, so as soon as shit goes too far , I’ll come down to make my appearance to confirm that it’s a prank since he will still be worked up a little even after you show him it comes off with water” she says, confirming our plan for when we tell him it’s just a prank. We both go around the house setting up the cameras, so that we can get footage in any of the rooms we may go into, during what we assume is going to be him pacing through the rooms completely pissed with me.

“Okay guys, we’re back and ready for this prank! Ruel texted me saying he’s on his way back from the studio, I picked up Coco today so he will have no clue anyone’s here but me since her car is at her apartment” I say to the main camera in our bedroom, placing it so that it gets a full view of the room if we come in here.

“Get ready bitches because it’s show time” Coco smirks at the camera. We both leave the room and I take her into the music room, where Ruel has his instruments and music sheets everywhere. I tell her to just hang in here while everything happens so that she can still hear it all, but will be out of sight. We both highfive and I leave the room to head downstairs to the living room, nervous for what’s about to happen. As I settle on the couch and pull a blanket on me, I hear the jingle of keys as the front door opens, before hearing footsteps head to where I am.

“Hey baby, sorry I got back a little late today. Do anything fun while I was gone?” Ruel mumbles, placing a kiss to the side of my head, before sitting next to me and taking off his shoes to carelessly toss them next to the coffee table. I lean my head onto his chest as he wraps his arm around my shoulders, throwing a quick smirk to the camera hidden in here.

“Nope, saw Coco earlier and had lunch with her, that was why I was really slow at texting you back earlier” I explain looking up at him as he nods his head and listens to my explanation. He grabs my hand and starts playing with my fingers, before taking another close look.

“Where’s your promise ring? You literally never take it off” he questions, completely throwing me off since I forgot I had taken it off when my hands started to get sweaty, but realizing it adds more to the whole hickey thing.

“Huh I must’ve taken it off when cooking this morning and just never put it back on, I’ll put it on once we head upstairs later” I answer, trying to act as calm as possible as he stared me straight in the eyes with an unwavering look.

“You never take it off? Why are you starting to now?” He decides to question me further, making me try my hardest to hold back a laugh, knowing he’s falling right into my plan. I give him a soft smile and kiss his cheek before cuddling into him even more, feeling his arms tighten around me.

“I think because it was a little messy I didn’t want to get anything on it, so I just slipped it off and placed it upstairs” I said trying to convince him, seeing him give me an unconvinced look from the corner of my eyes. I turn to look at him before deciding it’s time to get everything in motion for the big freakout.

“I missed you today” I whisper out, my chin on his chest as I look up into his green eyes, smiling at the soft love filled look he gives me. He leans down and presses his lips to mine, before lifting me up and placing me across the couch, one hand rests on my hip while the other rests on the side of my neck as he hovers over me. I try to keep everything as pg as possible, not wanting to have to cut anything out of the video since this is the buildup to everything. He’s resting between my legs as he starts to kiss around my jaw before slowly making his way down to my neck on one side, before moving to the other side that holds the hickey.

“what the fuck?” He whispers, completely freezing all movement as he stares at my neck. I turn my head to slightly cover it, giving him my most innocent look. I rest my hand on his cheek as he stares at me with complete shock on his face. He pushes away from me and stands up turning on all the lights he can in the living room, since I had it all a little dim so he wouldn’t see right away.

“Stand up.” He slightly snaps out, looking at me with an emotionless face. I hesitantly stand, keeping my hair over my neck and my chin pointed a little lower than usual. He rolls his eyes, before firmly but carefully grabbing my head and lifting it up, completely causing my neck to be exposed.

“Ruel what’re you doing? Stop it” I mumble out, pushing his hands away from my neck as he tilts my head to the side. He watches me with a look of pure betrayal, causing me to freeze up for a second at the pain he was feeling. He lets out a scoff and rolls his eyes, pacing around for a couple of seconds before turning back to me.

“Are you fucking cheating on me? Who the fuck did that?” He hisses out, eyes going from their beautiful green, to almost black. I give him a fake nervous glance, wringing my hands out in front of me before fake stuttering a reply to him.

“R-ruel you did that? They’re from last night” I say trying to reason with him as I reach for his hands, feeling him rip them away from my grip. He gives me a look of complete horror, that I’d dare try to pin this on him.

“We both know damn well I didn’t do that, I never leave them where they’re visible. Especially not fucking more than one. I can’t believe you’d do this to me” he spits out with so much pain that I start to debate whether or not to stop the prank already. Before I can tell him the truth he takes off upstairs towards our bedroom, causing me to run up after him to see what he’s going to do. He throws open the closet and starts grabbing clothes, throwing them onto the bed. In complete panic I jump onto him and stop him from grabbing more clothes.

“Wait Ruel baby stop, calm down for a second please.” I plead, trying to get him to stop so I can tell him it was just a prank and that I would never cheat on him. I guess he decided to take the angry and hurt route rather than the sad one. He shakes me off of him and tosses me onto the bed so that I land in the pile of clothes. He starts throwing his hands in the air in an exasperated manner, trying to figure out what to say.

“Don’t fucking call me baby, I’m not your baby anymore. You cheated on me, after everything we’ve ever promised to each other, you went and fucking cheated. Who was he? Since obviously he can do more for you than I can” he venomously hisses out, with hurt clear in his eyes, the beautiful green eyes that are starting to get misty with unshed tears.

“Ruel I didn’t cheat on you, give me a second to explain, please I love you and I promise it’s not what you think.” I try to reason with him grabbing his hand and pulling him to sit on the bed next to me. He pulls away from me but remains seated, running his hands down his face.

“Theres no explaining. I can see your neck, I know what it is... you never loved me” he chokes out, a single tear falling down his face. I reach out to wipe it away, knowing nows the time to stop this prank, it’s gone farther than I wanted. I never wanted it to go this way, I truly didn’t think it’d go this way or I wouldn’t have done it.

“I love you. You know I love you and that I’d never cheat on you. No other guy compares to you. Bubs it’s just a prank, I promise it’s just a prank.” I whisper to him, watching his head whip towards me with a glare. He stands up and starts pacing around, making me anxious on his reply.

“It looks real. I don’t fucking believe you. Your ring was off, you weren’t replying earlier, Coco never made a post of you together, and the hickey didn’t come off at all and when I rubbed it. Why’re you lying to me!” He shouts out, completely hurt to believe me, veins in his neck slightly popping out from his distress.

“Ruel follow me.” I mumble out, walking to the bathroom as he follows me, still in view of the camera frame. He stands against the bathroom door as I wet a wash cloth and hand it to him. He holds it and stares at me incredulously.

“I’m not touching you nor am I going to wipe your neck. We should just breakup now to get it over with” he deadpans, still too angry to believe me. I honestly can’t blame him, Coco did an amazing job making them realistic and smudge proof. I feel my heart sting at him wanting to break up, but I just roll my eyes before grabbing his hand and using it to drag the washcloth down my neck. He stands there in silence, moving my hand from his so that he can wiping at my neck, watching as the shades of red and purple slowly wash away. He sets the cloth on the counter before standing across from me and just staring at me, not saying a word.

“Are you going to breakup with me?” I mumble out, terrified at what this prank could have done. I need him, I should have known that this prank was too risky, especially when it comes to someone who puts their all into a relationship. Someone who’s biggest fear is getting cheated on or left behind. He drags his hands through his hair, giving me a slight glare before reaching out and tugging me into his arms.

“I want to kill you right now for doing this, where is she? I know Coco was a part of this prank since she used to make fake bruises to get out of pe in school.” He mutters into my neck, holding me tighter than ever. We both hear shuffling and turn our heads to see Coco standing there with a sheepish smile on her face, also not expecting this to have been the outcome.

“Hello dearest brother of mine, I love you” she says with a big grin, watching as he glares at her and walks into the bedroom. He picks up my ring on his nightstand and beckons me over to him, making Coco and I listen and walk to him. He grabs my hand and slides the ring back on, pulling me in and kissing the top of my head. I pull away and grab the camera, setting it up in front of the bed, as we sit down, ruel sitting in the middle of us.

“Well you guys that did not go as planned, or maybe it did? Like the point was to get a reaction, but I personally think it was a little too far. I hope you enjoy this wild ass prank video and you better like it, you guys almost cost me my whole ass relationship” I groan out to the camera, leaning my body against Ruels.

“You guys are all assholes, I honestly was about to have a heart attack. Not gonna lie I was about to go through your phone and find the guy so I could beat his ass, I’ve never been more angry than I was today” he states with a chuckle causing Coco and I to instantly lighten up, realizing that Ruel was fine now that he saw it was just a prank. I was truly scared this was going to affect our actual relationship.

“Honestly we didn’t think it’d go this far, it was supposed to be a simple prank, but as you can tell shit blew up” Coco states as all of us laugh and agree, knowing it was never the intention for this to all happen when we made the video, no one was supposed to actually get hurt.

“well guys that’s the end of this video and I love you all, don’t forget to leave a thumbs up and subscribe, also comment down below what you want to see next, but please spare my poor baby next time” I laugh out as Ruel nods his head vigorously, before giving me a kiss on the cheek. We all wave to the camera before shutting it off. Coco goes downstairs to shut the other ones off, before coming up to give us hugs and say goodbye, claiming this prank made her too tired to stay and hangout.

Ruel pulls me back on the bed with him, having me lean against the headboard as he lays with his chest against my back. I intertwine our fingers and rest them against his stomach, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. He turns his head and kisses my arm before tilting his head to look at me.

“I love you so much, I know you could never cheat on me, but seeing that made me so mad that I honestly couldn’t rationalize anything, like it looked so real” he says, with a small frown, upset with himself that he could even believe for a second that I’d cheat on him. I smile at him and give him a soft kiss, before pulling away to kiss his forehead.

“I can’t blame you, they looked real as fuck. Honestly it’s not your fault, I didn’t know what I’d do if I was in your place, like honestly I’d lose my shit. I’m sorry if it went too far bub” I mumble back, giving him a soft look, feeling terrible that he was in so much distress because of a prank. He laughs and presses his lips to mine, giving me a slow but love filled kiss, before pulling back to give me a smirk as I lay underneath him completely breathless. His smirk never fades as he reaches a hand up and caresses my cheek, before dragging it down to lightly tug on my bottom lip with his thumb.

“Don’t worry, it wasn’t too far. I think you did a perfect prank, but beware love, you’ve started a war. Trust me, karma is a bitch and she’s going to bite you in the ass soon” he smirks, causing me to roll my eyes at his dramatics.

I mean what’s the worst he can do?

[incorrectcats]

JELLICLE QUEENS APPRECIATION MONTH

Last round of my beautiful lovely amazing queens let’s GOOOOOOOOO ✊ Okay this has taken SO long, holy molly. @jelliclequeens​ 

June 6th - Griddlebone

What do you love about this queen? She’s SO extra. Literally. Looks like a cotton cloud, sings opera, kicks everyone in the ass. An icon.

What is your favorite version of this queen? Honestly, I’ve only seen like... 2 versions of Griddlebone? She always looks big and fluffy and I love that.

Who is your favorite actress that played this queen? I’m gonna say Bonnie Simmons because it’s the version I prefer out of the ones on Spotify.

What is your wlw ship with this queen? Good question, because I have no idea. I’ll say... Bombalurina. Because, you know what? These two could rule the world of they wanted to.

Your favorite moment of this queen in the musical? When she goes “bye” and disappeares when the shit hits the fan lol

June 7th - Tantomile

What do you love about this queen? I think by now everyone knows that until a couple of weeks I actually didn’t like her. 1998 Tanto & Cori creeped the fuck out of me BUT I’ve found some super adorable Tantos out there and now I lover her.

What is your favorite version of this queen? I love the classical “rolled ears” style but I must admit that blue-haired Tanto from the Opera Populaire production is beautiful af.

Who is your favorite actress that played this queen? Helen Gulston and Brittany Tooms Peel, they’re AMAZING and I’d die for them.

What is your wlw ship with this queen? Cassomile, it has so much power. Also I’m starting to warm up to Tantoteazer uwu

Your favorite moment of this queen in the musical? Whenever she does dumb stuff like pulling Tuggers tail (in the Dutch tour, I believe). She’s so cute.

June 8th - Cassandra

What do you love about this queen? EVERYTHING, SHE’S FREAKING AMAZING. She’s so beautiful, captivating, but also caring and lovely and so athletic, she’s just a goddess.

What is your favorite version of this queen? Hmm... I like most of them, I find them pretty similar. Buuut when the ears are rolled back? I love those wigs.

Who is your favorite actress that played this queen? Rebecca Parker from 1998 movie, because I’m basic and I’m in love with her. But also Mette Towley from 2019 movie, she was one of my favourites in the movie!

What is your wlw ship with this queen? Cassomile, but I think that Cassalurina or Cassmeter would slap too.

Your favorite moment of this queen in the musical? When she’s picked by Misto to do the magic trick. She’s super excited, a cutie pie.

June 9th - Victoria

What do you love about this queen? She’s so elegant and beautiful and I just want to be half as fab as her.

What is your favorite version of this queen? I like the versions where she’s mostly white with light brown/pink details, better than the ones with black details.

Who is your favorite actress that played this queen? Phyllida Crowley Smith (1998 movie) and Hannah Kenna Thomas (Vienna 2019)

What is your wlw ship with this queen? Victeazer, of course. My two amazing ladies being amazing together, QUALITY CONTENT.

Your favorite moment of this queen in the musical? The solo; even after watching it a thousand times I still find it fascinating. I love it. The solo and when she finally touches Grizabella. Make me cry, Vic, I deserve it.

June 10th - Rumpleteazer

What do you love about this queen? Okay, shit gets real here. I love EVERYTHING about Rumpleteazer. She has been one of my favourites ever since I saw the musical for the very first time. I love her. She’s funny, cute, super athletic, playful but with a soft side. She’s amazing istg I love Rumple.

What is your favorite version of this queen? All Teazers are good Teazers. (I’m not kidding, I love them all)

Who is your favorite actress that played this queen? Jo Gibb will always be my number one! However, Naoimh Morgan (both stage and 2019 movie), Shonica Gooden, Rose Iannacone, Anna Carina Buchegger and Georgie Leatherland are amazing too and I love them all.

What is your wlw ship with this queen? Victeazer! Rumple stealing jewels for her fancy girlfriend. That’s all I need.

Your favorite moment of this queen in the musical? Every time she’s on stage is the best moment. Okay, I’ll be more selective: her whole number, her enthusiasm during Skimble’s song, and whenever she’s cute with any other cat. Oh, and during the Jellicle Ball, she’s AMAZING. Underrated dancer. And the “Are you lean like a lynx?” moment.

June 11th - Demeter

What do you love about this queen? Again, she’s one of my favourites so... Everything. She’s so brave and strong and I enjoy every single moment she’s on stage. One of the things I love the most about her is how despite the hardships she’s been through, she still wants to be happy and to enjoy life while she’s young.

What is your favorite version of this queen? London-based designs are my favourites most of the time. I love when her wig has this spiky style. A kind punk, that’s my girl!

Who is your favorite actress that played this queen? Linda Mae Brewer (Aeva May), Guadalupe Lancho, Erca Jayne Alden and Emanuelle N’Zuzi.

What is your wlw ship with this queen? Demelurina, obviously. Queens of queens. This ship will end us all.

Your favorite moment of this queen in the musical? Her number with Bombalurina. They could kill me. And whenever she reunites with Munkustrap or Bombalurina after Macavity’s attack.

June 12th - Bombalurina

What do you love about this queen? Did I mention... Everything? She’s amazing. I love her confident attitude, how she doesn’t give a shit about anyone or anything. She’s sexy, she knows it, and she’ll do ehatever she wants because she can. However, she’s also caring and loving and is always watching over the younger cats and at the same time has a great relationship with the older queens. She’s an icon.

What is your favorite version of this queen? Oof, all of them. 2017 Asian tour was particularly gorgeous and whenever I see that design I cry for hours.

Who is your favorite actress that played this queen? Rosemarie Ford, Suzie Melloy, Paqui Sánchez Melchior and Nadia Strahan.

What is your wlw ship with this queen? Demelurina!

Your favorite moment of this queen in the musical? When she shows her protective side. I’d die for her, I’m not lying ;; And her solo moment during the Jellicle Ball, what a moment to be alive.

June 13th - Grizabella

What do you love about this queen? She’s quite a complex character, honestly. I love how prideful she is, and how she always keeps her head up. Go for it, queen!

What is your favorite version of this queen? I like the old school curly hair Griz better than the new version, honestly. Mexico Grizabella is super beautiful too, I love her.

Who is your favorite actress that played this queen? Elaine Paige, Rosemarie Ford, Mamie Parris, Ana Milva Gomes, Rocío Banquells and María del Sol.

What is your wlw ship with this queen? Maybe a young GrizxJelly could be cute, but I’m still bitter that they didn’t make a canon Fem!DeutxGriz in the 2019 movie.

Your favorite moment of this queen in the musical? Memory. It’s very basic, but honestly, it makes me cry every time. 

June 14th - Exotica

What do you love about this queen? I’m gonna be honest... I never payed much attention to her. Sorry Exotica ;; 

What is your favorite version of this queen? Okay maybe this is weird but... Do you know how she has two costumes in the 1998 movie? I like more the one that appears less lol, the “tabby” suit.

Who is your favorite actress that played this queen? I only know Femi Taylor!

What is your wlw ship with this queen? Hm... ExoticaxCassandra could be interesting.

Your favorite moment of this queen in the musical? I’ve heard she has a couple of cute moments with Jellylorum at some point, but I don’t remember when ;;

[sumeshi-t]

the idea of making hc’s of children is sosososo cute. i’ll follow ur steps chloe @akaashit-baeji lolol this is gonna be really self-indulgent buuut my excuse is that it’s my birthday so here it goes... i'm writing the last half of this with a hangover and a bad case of dysmenorrhea... sucks 2 be me

Oikawa Teru (及川 輝)

his name “輝“ means “bright”, and this boi lives up to it because, let’s face it, he’s gonna be like his dad. he embodies this “brightness”, in a way that he’s smart, and he makes sure he and his team’s (or whichever team he’s going to be in) will shine on the court

wavy/curly hair and a victim of my and his dad’s astigmatism. always has this cheeky smile, and he gets my brimming energy so he’s really approachable and charming

very good with words; it’s like he always knows what to say

when he plays he also wears contact lenses

but don’t be fooled. in their generation, it’s him who has to put iwaizumi’s son in check. he knows everything about his teammates too, he knows more than what he lets on (which sometimes, they find creepy, but they all know he means well)

anyway, unlike his dad, he doesn’t really mind having geniuses around. instead, he watches them very closely; something like “mutualism”. he knows what he lacks and he knows he can learn from them too, vice versa.

is into horror games. in his free time, he and his sister take turns playing. and they decide it by seeing who can last the longest without flinching/screaming. he’s annoyed because his sister’s better at it 

has fans, ngl. i mean look at him. however, the female fans especially, are pretty on guard. he’s approachable, but anytime they see him with his sister... they back out. he doesn’t mind, he loves his sister and it actually amuses him. he’s the same when it comes to the boys who hang around her too!

basically protective siblings who are always there for eo

is very neat. can’t concentrate when something is out of place. he keeps his nails short, has a somewhat flowery scent. yes, he uses female perfumes because he despises strong smells.

bug-catching was his childhood hobby just like mine’s was. used to sneak beetles in iwaizumi’s son’s backpack back then

he will never admit it but he actually asks his sister for fashion tips because his taste sucks ass so bad

basically his major problem or issue in life is getting compared to his father (he’s also a setter). he hates that so much, being hidden in the shadow of his dad, and when people just recognize him for being oikawa tooru’s son.

something he and ushijima’s child relate to so strongly. they’re friendly rivals; might end up being teammates in their career hmm

so when he’s the one stressed, he skips practice for a day just so he could recollect his thoughts. usually stays in the library to read books he picked up based on the titles; might either open up to iwa or his sister later on, it depends. then when he’s okay, he doubles the amount of training

Oikawa Rie (及川 麗恵) it’s /ri-ye/ oki

so the kanjis are: "麗" meaning, beautiful and "恵" is blessed. tooru thought of this name obviously

also has curly hair like mine. has that tiny mole below her eye just like i do. actually has lots of moles over her body; one time she fell asleep on the couch her brother drew connecting lines between the moles on her arm and called them constellations. it was nice she thought but still, the next day, teru had to wear a band-aid over his nose bridge.

she’s just a year younger. is less “vibrant” than her brother, a bit more serious. has a resting bitch face and she’s not even sorry about it and i love her for that

she’s actually relieved she looks like that, or else she knows the girls in her class would flock to her just to get in her brother’s pants. usually brushes them off with “ask him, not me” or “do you think that’s any of my concern?” 

her tongue her words damn never get to this baby girl’s bad side she’s gonna burn you alive. like fr when she’s angry, oh she’s gonna show you that she’s angry. but tbh she's very sweet, leaves little notes or little gifts to her friends every now and then

she just doesn’t want her brother’s heart to be broken (she’s heard stories from her mom about her dad’s many hs exes), and she knows teru’s struggles

therefore

doesn’t really like volleyball that much. it’s because she didn’t get to grow up with her dad around, she felt like it separated her from him. she’s not mad at him though. she’s very supportive of him and her brother.

used to play vb though when they were kids. but that’s all it was for her

she’s the team’s honorary manager lol the occasional “i brought you guys sumn” or “something-kun, a girl from my class says she likes you so do your best” etc

the team’s lil sister how bout that

despite being tolerant of horror games, this girl is vvvv squeamish. she cries at the sight of internal organs or blood. biology lab was the worst time of her life 

when she dug up my hs videos she was shook to discover i once did theater. and thus begins her interest in theater too

and??? baby girl is actually???? really really good???? 

the girls she used to shut down nicknamed her “prima”, short for “prima donna” she hates it. hates it more when her closest theater buddy was the one who spread that around

immediately went to the gym to spike some balls from her brother. baby girl was crying because she was just so pissed.

she was given ice cream and sweets afterwards. ugh it’s so cute idk she’s baby to the team skksksk they protecc

in that upcoming play, her first ever performance, the whole team got front row seats and howled when she came on during curtain call; it was vvv sweet and memorable even if the guys were kinda reprimanded afterwards lmao

which is why, in return, boiis also have a hard time approaching her because damn??? the vb team as your knights???? excuse me??? 

oh have i mentioned she has a sweet tooth? mygod. she has a stash of sweets in her room. teru has had to sneak some away because she might get tooth aches or diabetes

her pastel nail polish is arranged by shade, her body clock is fucked up lmao she hates the mornings; has succulents by her window which she names after various characters from books/plays etc she’s for sure gonna be a theater actress tho

asks help from iwa’s son for math. even her brother’s 0% help. teru is smart but a terrible teacher. she’s an above-average student and that’s all that matters for her. she can leave the spotlight to her brother because she only craves one type of spotlight

Miya Seiichi (宮 聖一) and Miya Seiji (宮 聖二)

their names literally mean “聖” sacred then “一” is one, and “二” is two

atsumu thought it was funny. when they were kids, seiichi’s nickname was “juan” and seiji’s was “tutu” (i gave them the nicknames)

when the twins discovered the meaning behind the nicknames, they hated it. especially seiji, he despises it vvv much

so when they were hs, seiichi = chi, seiji = ji for the people they're close with

as we can see here, the twins unfortunately got my curls. seiichi likes his hair as is. he doesn’t like the thought of dyeing his hair just to be differentiated from his twin. in fact he enjoys twin jokes, enjoys tripping people up about it. seiji on the other hand, grew tired of his brother’s jokes and by the time hs started, he sacrifices his soft hair. 

between the two, seiji is the one who has my ugly eyesight. add to the fact that he reads a lot (once he starts he can’t put it down. so he reads in the dark, in a moving car etc)

the piercings was a thing that happened between them, and their cousins (which were also twins wtf)–it was a 2v2 vb thing and they lost

surprisingly, the cousins weren't pleased bc atsumu didn't scold them for getting piercings (but for playing half-heartedly). seiichi wanted the piercings tho tbh it was the perfect excuse. ngl, seiji also wanted them.

first let's talk abt seiichi, aside from the fact he also got my mole (he feels it makes him look cuter tho)

seiichi's into vb, but not a setter. he's the ace. may or may not push through with it as a career. he hasn't decided yet. is actually a bit sad that seiji didn't join the vb club in hs, he wanted them to be like his dad and uncle.

seiichi doesn't have any uh, quirks like shutting the whole cheer squad up like his dad does. but he usually dribbles the ball five times before any serve (this is something i did before) and he likes the 'ooooh hey' thing the crowd does when he goes for a serve

his side of the room doesn't have much stuff going on except workout equipment. he follows what exercise plan i give him as da PT mom that i am, and he is very strict with his diet and with what he eats–he's close to not needing a calorie counter anymore; but not a picky eater. he loves his uncle's cooking very much and he is jealous he can't cook even if he tries

he can do beatboxing, he learned it through youtube lmao his spotify playlists are da bombest; he learns a lot in youtube tho in his free time. his current interest is magic tricks and french (he thinks he can use it to woo that girl from class 4)

he hates insects, and hates mess. he has had to scold his twin about it that it escalated to them having this imaginary line in the middle of the room

anyway, he's straightforward. but not rude. he just doesn't like any pretenses so he says what he thinks or feels is right. may or may not have led to some misunderstandings, but he owns up to his mistakes if he crossed a line

next, seiji

even if he looks like a nerd with his glasses tbh he is not he actually hates studying. you can love reading without having to love studying right? he's that dude

the only time that he regrets dyeing his hair was when he realizes couldn't change identities so his brother could take his exam for him

his side of the room is littered with his sketches, notes from books, pencils everywhere – he drew a bunch of ants one time on a paper and made it look like they're real ass ants and placed it on seiichi's pillow

to solve this problem, atsumu has planned to give him a tablet for his next birthday

quits vb in hs because he kinda lost interest? he still finds it fun but he doesn't wanna be put under the pressure that his dad and uncle left for them lmao

he's in art clubs tho

he designs banners/posters for the team anyway. they use his strategic mind from the shit he's read for any plays and stuff so when he's not drawing, he's thinking

he might look like he has no emotions, but tbh he is more emotional and empathetic than his brother. he cries easily over the simplest things, like those grandparents vids, or rescuing animals and stuff

and thats why he doesn't let people in too much bc he knows he'll be hurt (dw seiichi knows this vvv well, and even if they do have arguments, he loves his lil bro and helps him about this)

has once begged to have a cat at home–seiichi didn't want bc he knows his twin is gonna leave him for clean up lmao

he can cook period.

he's gonna either be an architect or an animator, still hasn't decided.

his music taste sucks lmao. his youtube recents are filled with cooking stuff; in constant conversation with his uncle abt cooking lol it be cute sometimes atsumu is jealous bc he feels his son is closer to his brother than with him

he is forgetful that's why his stuff is messy lol he keeps misplacing stuff, sometimes it's literally in front of him and he's just 'where????'

but remembers dates well, remembers plays well. he's good at nitpicking tiny nearly insignificant details. just anything outside studying? he's good. dw he passes his classes but he hates giving effort for that shit lololol

[nonsensicalobsessions]

A Symphony without Strings, Chapter 6

Today’s musical program will be varied once more. So much music will be going on! I do not know how many of you are participating in the musical adventure, and which service you are using, YouTube or Spotify. Since several of the pieces I wish to use are only available on YouTube, I will use that platform exclusively this chapter. If anyone has an objection, please let me know...but there is only one chapter following this one, Symphony ticket holders, and then the coda...Like the previous chapter, I will insert the selection at the appropriate scene, and you can simply loop it until the next piece is indicated. I hope you enjoy today’s musical arrangement.

Trigger warning: Leukemia

First selection: https://youtu.be/UfWT_7dTAtI

                                                      *** *** *** ***

Kelly did not hesitate to begin. Merry was hooked up to a machine within hours to begin having her blood drawn, her T cells filtered out, and have the remaining blood returned. The process did not take long, simply a few hours. Once completed, Kelly leaned against Merry’s bed and cocked her head to the side.

“Well now darlin’, before we infuse you with the new an’ improved T cells, we’re gonna hit you with another blast of chemo, to clean out as much garbage out of your veins as we can.”

Merry did not look happy at the thought of another round of chemo, but she didn’t argue, just nodded her head as she stared out the window. Kelly leaned towards and took her hand. 

“Honey, you’re gonna have to be here for a couple of weeks. I know it’s gonna be rough, and no one can get in your skin and take it for you, but I am going to work overtime to make it as easy as I can...and you have people who love you and will support you as much as you will let them. The question is, are you going to let them? I seem to have heard you giving Aiden a lot of push back in the past.”

“Aiden had Liam. Liam was all that mattered,” Merry replied, a touch of defiance in her voice.

“Maybe so, but now Tom has Merry, so now Merry is all that matters,” Tom responded, his voice gentle, but with the same touch of firmness he used with Liam. Merry’s eyes shot towards him, her expression challenging.

Tom leaned forward so their foreheads were touching. “Hello, Missouri Mule. Meet Tom Hiddleston, bane of Luke Windsor’s patience and scourge of his peace of mind.”

Merry smiled. She couldn’t resist.

Liam was unhappy to hear Mama was going to be in the hospital for almost a month at least, probably longer. He knew she would try to video call him frequently, but he also knew there would be a lot of days she would be so sick and sleepy she would barely be able to speak with him. When he stopped to think about this, his tummy felt funny, it hurt a lot and he felt like he might throw up and cry all at the same time. Both Mama and Aiden were always telling him to talk about how he felt, but it didn’t make the feelings go away.

When Papa came home without Mama, he looked tired, sad, and worried. Supper was quiet, and everyone went to bed early. Aiden read him his story, but his voices weren’t as fun as they usually were. Liam understood.

“Hey, kiddo.” Liam looked up into Aiden’s eyes. He had been looking down at his two bears, one Mama had given him, and one Papa had. “Your Mama has done this a lot, she’s a virtuosa, you could say. You shouldn’t worry about her. She’s more worried about you, did you know that?”

Liam squinted up at Aiden. “Why’s Mama worryin’ about me? You’re taking care of me like you always do, and we’re gonna do the same things we always do. We’re going to be ok...but I’m gonna miss Mama...” and his bottom lip started to tremble as his voice wobbled.

Aiden gathered him into a hug. “And it’s that, right there, that has your Mama worrying. She loves you so much, she hates to think of you being sad. She wants you to be happy, always.”

Liam pulled away, his usually cheerful countenance marred with a scowl. “Can’t be happy without Mama here, how can I be happy when Mama’s stuck in that ol’ hospital and she can’t be home with us? Stupid medicine! Stupid leuk...leuk...I hate Mama being sick all the time, I want her to get better!”

Liam burst into tears borne of grief, anger, frustration, and fear.

Aiden breathed a sigh of relief. He wanted Liam to cry it out. So much had happened, and Liam was just a little boy...he heard Tom’s door opening with a crash, and his feet, oh dear...

If Merry was a virtuosa in this wretched treatment, Tom had barely had his first few lessons.

As soon as Tom came in the door, Aiden made a calming gesture with his hand. “Softly, softly,” he mouthed, as he continued to gently soothe Liam’s impassioned sobbing.

Tom had been lying in bed, his arm flung over his eyes, remembering his conversation with Merry before he left:

“Tom, it’s going to be hard, in fact I will go so far as to say it’s going to suck. But I’ve played this concerto before, I daresay I’ve even conducted this orchestra before. I’ve got this. I have my bag of tricks, I know how to get around the worst of it. Please, please, be there for Liam. Knowing he’s well and happy will do so much for me...”

He reached out and stroked her face. “Merry, do you mean to forbid me to see you? Are you planning on going through this alone? Tell me, sweetheart, who was with you all the other times? It wasn’t Aiden, it couldn’t have been. It wasn’t your family. No one has mentioned any other friends. Did you go through chemotherapy alone, each and every time...? Merry...”

She looked at him, smiled and shrugged. “Alone, not alone...there were always nurses, and I could always close my eyes, and escape into my head, I have my headphones, my music, my imagination...come, Tom, you know how easily I can slip into my head, and how difficult it is for me to get out of it sometimes! I would practice, even if I didn’t have an instrument, I could conduct, even if I was completely alone, I could compose, even if I never remembered note from note.”

“Not this time, Meredith,” he vowed. “I will be there for Liam, but I will be there for you as well. I will talk with Aiden, and see what he advises, so you can’t fret, Mama Bear.”

She was already falling asleep, but she grinned. “We’ll see, Papa Bear, we’ll see...”

When Tom heard Liam’s crying, it was if he had been jolted with a live current. He’d never heard Liam cry before, and the boy sounded heartbroken. Tom launched from his bed, completely forgetting Aiden was two steps away, and had been with Liam since the little boy drew his first breath. His son was crying. This being a father thing was so new, he scarcely knew what he was doing moment to moment, but right now, he knew his son was crying.

Seeing Liam caught in Aiden’s arms, he froze. Tom felt superfluous, and shattered. His heart was aching so profoundly, there was a part of him that wanted to weep as openly as Liam. Aiden was advising him to calm down, and he wasn’t sure if he could.

Aiden beckoned him to sit besides him, and that is how Liam found himself transferred into another pair of arms, as he hiccuped and trembled as a child does in the aftermath of hard sobbing. Aiden was still rubbing his back, but Liam looked up and saw his Papa was now holding him close. This was new. The crying when Mama left for the hospital, that happened, but Papa being here...

“’m glad you’re here,” Liam mumbled, scrubbing his eyes with his fists.

“I’m glad I’m here, as well,” Papa answered, and kissed Liam’s hair, which was definitely curly now. Mama would have gotten him a haircut by this point.

“Papa, did you know Mama was sick?”

“No, Liam. I didn’t. It makes me so sad, knowing she was sick and I wasn’t there to help her.”

Liam looked up into Papa’s face and saw that yes, Papa’s face still looked just as sad, tired, and worried as it did when he came back earlier, maybe even more so. He reached up and touched it, shyly. Papa looked down into Liam’s eyes, and gave him a special smile...Liam was reminded of the way Mama would smile at him sometimes. It made him start to feel a little better.

“You know, Papa...we have a secret, Aiden and I. Mama doesn’t know about it.”

“Oh, is that so?” Papa looked at Aiden, his lips twitching. “And what could this secret be? If it is about licking the bowl after you make cakes...”

“You told?” Aiden teased Liam, ticking his feet lightly. 

“No, just Papa...but Mama was there, uh-oh...”

“It’s fine, Liam,” Papa laughed, his voice low and warm. “If that isn’t the secret, then what could it be?”

“Aiden, can we tell Papa?”

“Oh, I think we must,” Aiden answered him seriously. “Because your Papa is going be a part of it, as well...”

Papa leaned back against Liam’s headboard to give Liam his undivided attention as Liam explained. “When Mama is away at the hospital like she is sometimes, and we miss her a lot, we watch The Secret Mama Movie.”

“The Secret Mama Movie? Your Mama never told me she was a movie star, although it’s true I did meet her...” Tom stopped himself abruptly, and cursed himself as ten different kinds of a fool. Clumsy, stupid, foolish...he had no idea if Merry had ever told Liam how they had first met, or what Tom did for a living, or anything, and Liam was far too bright to miss a thing...

Liam, true to form, lit up like a Christmas tree. “You met Mama because she was a movie star?!”

“No, no...” Tom looked to Aiden for help, but as usual, Aiden had his arms folded, and was grinning at him, clearly enjoying his discomfort. “Um, I met your mother because of a movie...but please, tell me more about The Secret Mama Movie, I am very interested.”

“Oh...” Liam looked disappointed. “That would have been neat, if Mama had been in a movie for real.” Tom shifted uneasily on the bed, while keeping Liam tucked in his arms, pressed against his chest as he did so. Liam pulled away, tears forgotten so he could look into his father’s face. “Aiden’s known Mama for a real long time, and they went to school together, and he used to see her when she would practice to have recitals...did you ever see any of Mama’s recitals?”

Tom looked at Liam, and gently cupped his son’s face. “Only one,” he whispered softly. “Only one...”

Liam didn’t understand why Papa was looking at him so tenderly, he just babbled on, “Well, he used to record her. She knew he was doing it, so that isn’t the secret. Sometimes she was even talking to him while he was doing it. Then after I was born, he would record her while she was playing lullabies for me! And then, sometimes she would learn pieces because she was tired of the pieces she had to learn for school, and she would learn them just for funsies, and he thought she was so good, he would record those too...he thought she was really good, and she didn’t, and he wanted her to see just how good she was...and then she had a big big recital right before she graduated, and the school recorded that...”

Aiden interrupted, rubbing the back of his neck. “I promise you, Tom, Merry know about these, I’m no stalker,” he spoke quickly, his face uncomfortably red. “That’s not the secret, either!”

Liam rolled his eyes as expressively as a four year old can. “Nooo, the secret is that Liam got all of these together from all the different places and put it together into one big movie. The Secret Mama Movie. She doesn’t know he did it. But we can watch it and see her and listen to her, every night she isn’t here. It isn’t the same, but...”

Tom looked at Liam, at Aiden, and at Liam again. He spoke very, very quietly. “You get to see Mama play, every night?”

“Uh huh! And she had hair sometimes, and she was wasn’t always tired, and she was laughing, and sometimes she even sings!” Liam was both reverent and thrilled to be letting Papa in on this secret. “But we can’t let Mama know. She doesn’t like to see or hear herself on TV.”

“I can understand that,” Tom muttered, laughing to himself.

“E’scuse me?” Liam cocked his head to the side. Mama was very strict about his not saying just “what,” when he didn’t understand.

“I was trying to say that I can understand, even though your mother is so talented, she would not strike me as one to wish to see herself on the television.”

“But why not, Papa?”

“I imagine it is because she would only look at her performance and see the ways she could have improved, rather than all the ways she excelled...because she always wishes to learn more. Your mother is brilliant, and she loves music, loves playing her instruments, and being the moment. Seeing it captured, though...well, that’s something else,” Tom stopped, recognizing he was getting too philosophical, no matter how intelligent his son was, he was still only four. He wanted to get lost in a memory of himself and Merry, it was at the forefront of his mind, but this was not the time...he shook his head.

“We can watch it tomorrow, Papa,” Liam promised him, snuggling into his chest again. “That way we can all enjoy it together. Just us men.”

Tom closed his eyes and grinned broadly, thankful that Liam couldn’t see his face. “Sounds splendid, son. I am so thankful to hear that Aiden has done such hard work. Thank you, Aiden.”

Aiden had been beaming as well, but it faded. “I did it for a number of reasons,” he admitted, looking at Liam. “There was a point where I thought it might be...very necessary.”

Tom looked down at the little boy who was still curled up against him, and swallowed hard. He understood all too well why such a movie might have been required...as a memorial...a retrospective of a brilliant musician...but most importantly, a way for a boy to see a mother he might not have ever remembered. Thank God that was not the case.

Aiden added, “I also have some footage of her conducting, it isn’t just of her playing instruments. I thought it was very important that Liam see her at the pinnacle of her professional achievement. We’ve all seen her play, but God, Tom...her joy when she conducts...she all but self-illuminates. I can’t believe she doesn’t levitate.”

Tom was ruffling Liam’s hair, feeling him get heavier as he was slowly losing the fight against sleep. “Aiden, how long is this movie?”

“Longer than you would think. Take a guess.”

“Before you mentioned the conducting, I would have said, half an hour? That is quite a lot of time of playing...”

“Think again. Almost two hours,” Aiden snickered, proud of himself. “Almost two solid hours of Merry playing the cello...violin...piano...conducting. You know our Merry, never content unless she was...is...making music in one way or another. That’s how it was so easy when we were still in university. It’s how she managed to keep her mind off the nausea when she was carrying that one there.” Aiden nodded at Liam, who was now asleep against Tom’s chest, mouth open, and snuffling slightly. “I did my best to encourage her, and keep her laughing. Once everyone in the department was clued into her condition, they were right there with me. For all she was so intensely private with her personal affairs, she was still so...well, she’d murder me fo saying it...merry with others. A smile, a laugh, a little pick-me-up with someone she knew was struggling. When she turned up pregnant, no one could believe it, no one had ever seen her with anyone, she had never mentioned anyone, well, there were some unkind comments about virgin births all over again.” 

Tom’s eyes flashed both in anger and shame. “I never attempted to keep her from meeting up with classmates, nor did I try to keep us a great secret.”

Aiden shook his head. “I know, Tom. Merry was all about reaching out but never taking back. I’ve known her longer than you, at least by name and face. But I didn’t really know her. No one did, except that she was wildly talented, deeply focused, and so private. So once there was an ‘in,’ a way people could actually gain access to her, even if it was to encourage those impromptu recitals in the halls, a way to make her laugh a bit while I could video her on my phone...it helped. But still, she never let anyone in, not really.”

Tom took a breath, then asked, “Aiden, may I watch the movie privately, so when I see it with Liam, it isn’t the first time?”

Aiden nodded. “You know, that’s a really good idea. Let’s get this one tucked in, and I’ll get it to you.”

Aiden handed a DVD to Tom, who was surprised to see that it looked professionally marketed, instead of just something handwritten in permanent marker. “Aiden...this is incredible.”

“I told you, I wasn’t sure what it was going to be used for when I made it, and I wanted it done right,” Aiden deflected. “It helps having friends in the right places. Um, if you want, I could watch it with you, and explain some things. Or maybe you just want to watch it yourself. It’s up to you.”

Tom deliberated for a moment, then replied, his voice husky, “Aiden, I think it’s best I just see this alone. But thank you.”

“Sure, I understand. You know there’s a TV and player in your room. Good night.” Aiden gave him a half smile and wave, and left.

Tom couldn’t set up the DVD fast enough.

Second selection: https://youtu.be/12r8LCI47WU

Despite the DVD’s appearance, the opening menu was simple, and yet it still took Tom’s breath away. He was so grateful he was watching this without Liam’s alert presence by his side. His screen was filled with a lovely candid photo of his beloved Merry smiling and looking off to the side. Her long hair was loosely pulled back in an ivory ribbon that matched the cable knit sweater she was wearing (he remembered that sweater), and her cello was resting against her jean clad knee as she sat in a chair. He didn’t recognize the haunting and lovely background music, but he had no doubt it was Merry who was performing it. But the puzzling aspect was at the bottom right corner of the screen, the simple words, “The Tom Edition.” Perhaps this is what Aiden wished to explain?

The only option he had was to press “PLAY.”

Third selection: https://youtu.be/lrE5CC1up3s

It began with Merry sitting at a piano and playing, her fingers rippling across the keys smoothly. Someone called, “Skye, are you ready, can we get started?” But she did not reply, she simply kept playing, her body moving as an extension of the notes, clearly caught up in the music. Another voice sighed, “Ah, we’ve lost her again.” A third voice retorted, “We never had her in the first place, once she starts, she’s gone, you know that. You can either let her finish, go shake her, or physically move her. I’d suggest waiting if I were you. Even if you interrupt her, her mind is just going to keep playing once she commits to it.” The unseen onlookers fell silent until Merry played the last note, and she sighed and leaned back. The first voice called out, “Skye! We’re waiting on you, c’mon already!” Tom could see her come back to herself, and she called back, “Sorry! Here I come!” She rose, and walked away from the piano. Tom could see a slight swell in her abdomen, but he was looking for it. Her face was paler than usual, and she looked tired.

Fourth selection: https://youtu.be/3wzZtuo3MHU (does not require looping)

The next video had her standing in a hallway, there was a lot of laughter, and someone finally shouted, “No way, Skye, I dare you.” She had her back to the camera and challenged, “You wanna go there? Really, McIntyre? You sure about that?”

A voice, apparently McIntyre, riposted, “Skye, you’re talented on the cello, I’ll give you that, but no way can you bring that kind of heat on the violin. You just don’t have it.”

Aiden’s voice at the camera level called out, “Ten bucks, McIntyre. Put up or shut up.”

Merry turned around, and she was looking just as tired, but fuller around the waistline. “Forget the ten bucks. McIntyre, if I pull this off, you owe me some fried chicken. This kiddo is calling for some fried chicken...and some pumpkin pie.”

“Pumpkin pie? Skye, you’re crazy, there’s no pumpkin pie this time of year!”

Merry was tuning her violin and sighed, “Okay, just fried chicken then...”

Tom whispered, his eyes already filling, “Darling, I would have found some for you, I swear I would have,” as Merry launched into the brightest, fastest tune he had ever heard. It was clearly a Celtic jig, Tom couldn’t identify it, and the hall filled with hoots and laughter as her notes, triumphant and commanding, wrapped around all present, someone began beating on their instrument case to add percussion, there was clapping, and Tom found himself longing for his spoons. 

Merry put her violin and bow down and grinned. “Extra crispy, McIntyre. I prefer drumsticks, thighs, and wings. Hop to, Capriccio is hungry.”

A laughing voice teased, “Only you would call your unborn child ‘Capriccio.’”

“Well, I won’t call my child ‘Bagatelle,’ because by definition that can also mean ‘unimportant’. And my child is very, very important to me,” Merry replied seriously. “And my child is certainly encouraging improvisation, among other things...McIntyre, why the devil are you still here?!”

The scene faded, and Tom found himself laughing, and he spoke, “Merry, you damned well better have gotten your fried chicken, or else I will hunt this McIntyre down and call him out...”

There were then a dizzying array of clips where Merry was playing in recitals, master classes, where her skills with the cello left Tom lost in admiration. He wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms. He longed to tell her, repeatedly, how awed he was by her talent, her passion, the way she immersed herself, completely, in her music. Tom would watch as the woman he loved would somehow willingly walk into another dimension, where she would speak another language with truth and honesty, and all the strength she possessed.  Once she entered it, the music was all that mattered.

Fifth selection: https://youtu.be/bSWxjcAAPL8

After were the symphonies. These were clearly professionally recorded works. Tom couldn’t always see what he wanted, which was Merry’s face, but he could make out her small form. The lush curves of her figure he had loved so passionately were gone, he noted, and a sick feeling arose in his gut. Was she already ill at this point? Was she aware? But as the camera would show her face, Tom saw what Aiden had referred to: Merry was clearly transported. It was as though she was pulling the music out from each section of the orchestra, weaving the notes like tapestry on a loom only she could see, creating a masterpiece. This was what she had longed to do, this was what she had spoken of longingly when they were entwined on her small bed, as they compared their dreams and ambitions while the snow fell outside, leaving them cocooned in the warmth of blankets and each other. 

Tom thought about how he felt when he performed Shakespeare, the otherworldly plane he stepped into each time he entered the stage and began to breathe life into his character, giving words and poetry action and meaning, the high he felt when the curtain closed...and knew, without a shadow of a doubt, Merry was also able to animate what others would see as mere ink on a page. It was real. It was true. It was her dream. And it was her soul. Tears were running down her face as he saw her expression when the last note sounded. 

She was incandescent.

If the movie had been fiction, made in Hollywood, it would have ended there, just for the look on her face.

Sixth selection: https://youtu.be/gCCmaOMo5k8

There were the lullabies. Tom never got to see infant Liam, only occasionally hear his gurgling. Merry’s face was a portrait of tender motherhood as she would play piece after piece, sometimes singing. The setting would change, as would her clothes, but the love on her face stayed the same. But eventually her hair was gone, and her face grew thinner, her clothes larger, and her movements slower.

There were clips of her playing for Liam, then with Liam, as he picked up his violin and scratched out very basic beginner pieces, or plunked away on the piano. Both Aiden and Merry cheered him on, and praised his efforts. 

Merry was now playing different styles of pieces. She would play tunes from Disney films, music that would have Liam belly laughing, giggling, dancing. But on the whole, they were growing slower, and less vigorous.

Seventh Selection: Reader’s choice--Instrumental: https://youtu.be/ZyFyapc3q9g OR original vocals by Enya: https://youtu.be/DFHaGBSyPr4 

The last clip began with a darkened room. Tom heard cello music playing but could see nothing.

“Merry?” Aiden’s voice. “What are you doing?”

“Can’t sleep. Can’t think. Can’t, Aiden...so tired...I’m so tired...”

Tom’s attention was riveted before, but now all of his synapses were firing. Merry’s voice was trembling. She sounded so weak, as though she was at the end of her tether...he had never heard Merry like this, ever. This was the most intensely personal piece yet, and he understood now, why this was “The Tom Edition.” Aiden would never allow Liam to hear his mother suffering like this.

“Then put the bow down. Just put the bow down and close your eyes for a little while.”

“Aiden, when I play these pieces, I don’t have to think...I can just, just be. I fall into the music and rest, so that’s what I’m doing, okay? Please don’t nag me.”

A sigh. “All right, but I’m going to sit and be with you then. I don’t want you collapsing again.”

“No...I don’t want that either.”

There was more gentle, soft music...but then, Merry began to sing, her voice soft, and haunting:

     Night has gone without my tears

     Now I walk alone

     You're no longer here

     The days turn to years

     I could never say goodbye

     To the sadness in my eyes

     You know you are in my heart

     But the miles keep us apart

     Time moves slow

     In the falling rain

     I still dream of you

     And whisper your name

     Will I see you once again?

     I could never say goodbye

     To the sadness in my eyes

     You know you are in my heart

     But the miles keep us apart

     I could never say goodbye

Aiden’s voice spoke in the darkness. “Honey, when are you going to get in touch with Tom? I think you should give the guy a chance. He seems like he’s good man from what I can tell...”

Her voice was filled with tears as she said, “I promised, Aiden. I promised him, no strings.”

Aiden’s voice, filled with sympathy and reproach. “Merry...”

She sighed. “You’re right, Aiden. I’m so tired...I guess it is finally time to...” Her voice broke. “It’s time.”

Eighth selection https://youtu.be/kcMaxo0OaZo (can be looped for as long as desired)

The last clip had no video, it was simply a list of acknowledgements and thanks, while another piece played. Tom was struggling to breathe, let alone read them.

He had no idea Merry had been grieving so keenly. Tom had missed Merry, and wished she was still a part of his life. He refused to allow himself to address his pain, and went on with the business of living. He knew Merry had, as well. But the voice he had just heard, wrapping itself around the cello notes in the absence of light...it went beyond simply acknowledging loss. It spoke of deep mourning.

“I didn’t know, Mozart,” Tom spoke aloud in the empty room. “You seemed so composed when I saw you again...but why should I be surprised? You always buttoned yourself up so tightly when you felt afraid, or threatened in any way.” After her parents had callously dismissed her from their lives, Merry closed off her soft, tender heart, determined never to let herself get hurt again.

After their first kiss that had begun almost tentatively, but quickly built in passion, Tom took both of her hands and looked deeply into her eyes. “Merry, I don’t do things like this lightly...not without a great deal of caring, and commitment...but I can’t give you commitment like you deserve. I am going to leave in less than five months, probably closer to four. Once we’ve completed filming in this area, I am going to leave to complete the movie elsewhere, and from there I am going to be thrust into a huge worldwide press tour. I desperately want to be with you...but you are far too precious for me to treat you carelessly.”

Merry’s smile was bittersweet. “Tom, I care about you as well...I don’t do things like this either, hardly ever...and when I have, it was never anything but casual, because I do not let anyone close to me. At all. I’m not asking for commitment. I just want to be as close to you as I can possibly be.” Wistfully, she lightly placed her hand against his heart, tentatively curling her fingertips as though it was most she dared, the most she expected to be allowed to touch him. “...me, who never wants to be close to anyone. It’s strange, really...” She stepped away from him. “I understand if you want to leave now. No hard feelings.”

He looked at her intensely, as though he was trying to look into her past and her soul. “Who hurt you so badly, Merry? You are much too warm and giving to have closed yourself off so completely. Who hurt you, Meredith Skye?”

She looked away and replied dully, “Life did. Thank you for walking me home.”

Seeing the light extinguished in her eyes, the spirit stripped from her voice, was more than he could take. Tom closed the distance between them, wrapped his arms around her, and drew her into a fiery kiss that not only rekindled the spark within her, but started a conflagration that didn’t stop until it consumed both of them, leaving only softly flickering embers in its wake sometime later.

Holding her body against his, softly stroking her hair, her face, her neck, Tom whispered, “I am going to find it so very, very hard to leave you. I already know this.”

Merry looked into his eyes and replied steadily. “But you will, Tom. You don’t have a choice. You have to leave, and I have to stay. We will have to enjoy the time we have together, cherish it for what it is, and then let each other go...no ties to keep you here...

“No strings.”

In the faint light of the bedroom, Tom pretended not to see the pain in Merry’s eyes as he repeated, “No strings.”

In the days that passed, Tom found that Merry was actually right: Yes, chemotherapy was awful. But she handled it well enough.

She knew which days were likely to be worse than others. She deeply appreciated Tom’s presence, but on bad days she seemed to slip into another headspace. All she wanted was her headphones, and for him to hold her hand. Even then, he would watch as she seemed to play the piano on her lap even if it appeared she was asleep. If she was going to vomit (which she did often) she did so calmly, and from another plane of existence. It was almost as if she wasn’t fully there...although when she would lie back down, she would still reach for his hand, and would occasionally welcome a cool cloth for her face.

One of the nurses took pity on Tom and told him, “Don’t take it personally. She is taking a lot of chemicals into her body, and it is not unusual for them to affect a patient’s personality, speech, memory...some even hallucinate. She’s actually taking this remarkably well.”

“I just want to be there for her,” he replied stubbornly.

“And you are. Just remember to give her what she needs, not what you want, or feel the need, to give her,” the woman advised gently.

Tom had to remind himself of those words frequently in the days to come.

It was the last week of filming, and they were behind schedule, mostly due to unseasonably foul weather that kept them from adhering to the proposed shooting schedule. While part of Tom was secretly overjoyed at the delays, this last week was turning into a hellshoot. Tempers were frayed and raw on all sides, and everyone was exhausted. Over half the crew were sick, and those that weren’t either were just coming down with or just recovering from a series of vicious viruses. So far, Tom had escaped what was being called “The Pestilence” (“plague” being found too passé), but he was almost sleepwalking at one point.

He was trying to spend as much time with Merry as possible, but his schedule was demanding, constantly changing, and hectic. He could never tell from day to day when he would have free time available. He knew better than to ask Merry to come to the set location, and he didn’t have time to track her down on campus. Merry made it a point to always have food waiting for Tom, day or night, along with the fresh fruit and vegetables he craved in order to keep sickness at bay. Sometimes she even shaved hours off her precious practice, class, and sleep hours to be there during the odd hours he was awake, or needing to rest to prepare for odd hour shoots: she found a sure-fire way to lull him to sleep was a certain combination of pieces, played on the cello and violin. He was stunned that she would give her time for this, but she would smile and stroke his hair, promising he was worth it. 

He would float off, warm and utterly at peace, and would be completely unawares after he fell asleep (often faintly snoring), Merry would set her instrument down, and sit beside him, running her fingers through his hair, ensuring his sleep remained deep and even. She knew sometimes his dreams would become agitated when he was stressed, and he would begin tossing fitfully, even talking and crying out in his sleep. At the first sign of any disturbance, she would speak softly to him, soothing him with her words and touch. Within moments, she would ease him back into a peaceful place, and he could rest once more.

When it was the day before he was to leave, Merry slipped out of bed, murmuring she was going to start the kettle. He tried to ignore the pain raging in his heart, and nodded. He had barely set his feet on the floor when a crashing sound sent him running for the kitchen.

There he found Merry on her hands and knees, looking dazed and picking up shards of teacups. “Tom, stop, you’ll cut yourself!”

Oblivious, he knelt besides her. “Sweetheart, are you all right? What happened?”

She shook her head. “I’m not sure...I must have stood up too quickly, I just felt so light headed, the cups, I was on the floor...I must have...”

Tom felt her forehead. “Merry, you’re ice cold and clammy...are you feeling ill?”

“No. No, Tom, I’m fine, just let me have another moment. I’ll clear this mess away and start making tea and...”

Tom looked at her face, and saw how pale she was. “I think not,” he decided, and picked her up carefully, bringing her to the sofa and wrapping them both in a blanket. “I think we shall just sit here for awhile until your color gets better, and you warm up. That’s it, rest your head on my shoulder, darling. I do hope you aren’t getting sick, darling, please, please don’t be getting sick, who will take care of you?” His forehead was creased with worry.

“You precious man,” she indulgently answered him. “The same person as usual, I can recommend her personally. She’s very capable. Quite good, actually. I’ve relied on her for countless years.”

He looked down at her quizzically. She pulled away from him, sensing his confusion.

“Oh, my sweet Tom.” She patted his cheek, and snuggled in with a smile.

It took him an embarrassing amount of time to realize she meant herself.

Kelly was a constant presence, encouraging Merry, supporting Tom.

“Tom, I know it must look bad when she’s throwing her guts up so much, but truly, she’s handling this like a champ,” Kelly told him emphatically. “Her labs are very promising. I was really concerned how she was going to take this, she was so frail when she came in, but she is hanging in there. The better she does now, the more hopeful I am about the way her body will respond the the T cell infusion.” She paused and eyed the way he was pulling his hair if not rubbing the back of his neck or jaw. “Okayyy...you, good sir, look like you either don’t believe me, or are very stressed out.”

“I don’t know how to help her,” Tom burst out at last, mindful of his volume, but his tone was quite clearly agitated. “I can’t hold her. She doesn’t even want to be touched. Tell me what I can do for her, she’s so miserable, and I don’t know what I can do. I would play the guitar for her, but honestly, I don’t think I’m of the quality that would be of any help...”

Kelly thought for a moment. “When she wasn’t playing for you, what did you do for her...and keep it G-rated, please,” she teased. 

Tom felt his face heat as he mumbled, “I’m afraid to even touch her...”

Kelly looked at him and asked, “May I give you a hug?”

Tom nodded, and she wrapped her arms around him, her head coming right under his chin, her hands rubbing his back slowly. “You’re being put through the wringer, big guy. All I can say is you have to be patient. Which you have been. And trust her guidance. She’s been through this before. She doesn’t want to be touched, not because she doesn’t love you anymore, but because her body just hurts. Has she asked you to pack up and go home?”

He shook his head as he and Kelly parted.

“Then she wants you here. Believe me, I’ve heard about Meredith Skye’s temper. If she has something she wants to be said, she doesn’t leave room for doubt.”

Tom frowned. “She wasn’t your patient before now...I don’t understand.”

Kelly’s laugh was nostalgic. “When she informed Dr. Roths’ staff that she was flying out to see you...? He, ah, made the classic mistake, and forbade her to go. I don’t think anyone had ever heard the dressing down the likes she gave to him. I know he certainly hadn’t...they’re probably still replacing the paint she blistered off the walls...” Kelly sighed. “Ah, it was a beautiful thing. Dr. Roths is brilliant, but his people skills definitely need some work. When our Merry was through with him, there might have even been some applause. Might, I say. In a very discreet, surreptitious fashion.”

Tom looked down and laughed.

“She’s done, you know.  With the actual chemo. She just has to recover from it, and we are going to keep a very close eye on her...and by then, it will be showtime. So try and relax. And once she is feeling better?” Kelly looked at him intently. “Do not be afraid to touch her. Are we clear on that? Don’t make that mistake. Love up on her as much as you want. What are you waiting for? Don’t waste time, Tom...we all make that mistake, don’t we?”

Ninth (and today’s final) selection: https://youtu.be/2iovXlPv52s

Merry’s fingers were moving, one hand was by her shoulder, and the other in her lap. Her bed was reclined at an angle, so she didn’t have to lift either arm. Her eyes were closed, and there was a faint smile on her lips.

“Darling? It’s Tom, sweetheart...are you up for some company?”

Her eyes opened readily, and her smile widened as her fingers ceased their movements. “Tom...how lovely to see you. I’m sorry I’ve been out of it for awhile, but I’m feeling more alert today.” She reached one hand out, and elated, he took it and brought it to his lips.

“I can’t tell you how happy I am to hear you say that,” he replied, his face aglow with genuine pleasure. “What were you playing when I came in, it looked like the cello...”

“‘Gabriel’s Oboe’...but it’s neither here nor there. Tell me everything going on at home, Papa Bear...”

Tom looked at her carefully, and saw she wasn’t tethered to a variety of apparatuses. Slowly, he lowered a side rail, asking, “May I?”

Merry blushed, and nodded, thinking he was simply going to sit besides her on the bed. She was surprised and delighted when he carefully scooped her up and lay back on the bed with her in his arms. She was even more amazed when he lightly pressed his lips to the top of her head.

No one—no one—had ever touched her bare head outside of medical personnel since she had lost her hair. The simple intimate touch of his lips caused something in her heart to crack, then shatter...an ice shelf around her heart that had formed years ago suddenly collapsed.

If Tom could have known this, he would have been insufferably pleased. 

But he couldn’t tell. If he noticed anything, it was Merry seemed more inclined to touch him as he told her about the latest in the World of Liam: the ducks in the area were slightly less rude than London ducks, Tom was aggrieved to report; minor key was much more interesting sounding than major key; scales were boring but arpeggios were fun; he was reading at a frightening pace, so much so that he and Aiden found they needed to pay attention to advertisements and graffiti much more than they had in the past.

He looked down at her. Merry was so still, he was certain she had fallen asleep.

Her face peaceful and wreathed with a blissful smile...but when he fell silent, her eyelids flew open. “Why did you stop?”

Drowning in her blue eyes, he touched the tip of her nose lightly. “I thought you’d fallen asleep there.”

Merry reached up and patted his chest, over his heart, right next to where her head was resting. “Are you joking? I can hear your heart, your breathing, the vibrations of your voice as you are telling me all about our boy...I wouldn’t miss this for anything, Tom. I don’t want to miss a single word.”

Tom felt his heart actually skip a beat when Merry touched him so tenderly of her own volition, and reached up to capture her hand and press it closely to his body. “In that case, I won’t waste a single moment.”

He felt her smile as he continued, “Liam has decided that pigeons and squirrels must be mortal enemies of old, as they are clearly fighting over the same resources...the way he tells it, it sounds as though they could be Montagues against Capulets...”

“Vampires against lycans...”

“Liverpool against Manchester United...”

“First chair versus second chair. God save me.”

Tom laughed, and kissed her head again. “Just so...”

TAGGING: Lifetime Memberships @hopelessromanticspoonie​ @yespolkadotkitty​ @just-the-hiddles​ @vodka-and-some-sass​ @winterisakiller​ @theheartofpenelope​

Symphony Season Ticket Holders: @jessiejunebug​ @alexakeyloveloki​ @scorpionchild81​ @tinchentitri​ @theoneanna​ @o-sacra-virgo-laudes-tibi​ @blacksuitofdoom​ @mishaandthebrits​ @wegingerangelica​n @rjohnson1280​

[fvckvalenciano]

introducing benji !!

[ FROY GUTIERREZ // 20 // CIS MALE // HE/HIM // MUSE J ] can you believe BENJAMIN ‘BENJI’ VALENCIANO is apart of the stellar world tour? the industry has dubbed him THE CHARLATAN and he has quite the reputation. sources say he is [ ENGAGING ] and [ ASSERTIVE ], but can also be [ VINDICTIVE ] and [ QUICK-TEMPERED ]. however, he is best described by the song [ SUPER RICH KIDS ] by [ FRANK OCEAN ]. i can’t to see what the stellar world tour has in store for him.

bio & pinterest

hi hi !! i'm sure you guys will recognize this as a reoccuring theme sooner rather than later, but i have absolutely no idea what i'm doing at any given moment, so i'm just gonna dive into a quick introduction to benji and hope for the best ! if you are interested in some slightly more organized thoughts i would recommend taking a look at his bio ( which i just fixed the link for because i'm dumb and it was broken this whole time haha, so let me know if there are any problems! ) & i hope you guys enjoy :)

okay so benjamin is born in greenwich, connnecticut, a town famous almost exclusively for housing some of the wealthiest families in america and not much else. his moms are both lawyers, cutthroat defense attorneys that pay for the family's summers in europe and vacation homes down south with somebody's elses blood money. he's an only child, and their scrutiny is merciless as it curates an envy for the anonymity of the shadows. their expectations pile too high in his throat, and he fears the day he chokes and lets them down, for it is inevietable. but he knows they'll do anything to get him across that finish line, walking across the stage at a prestigous law school he couldn’t care less about, which in an odd way is more terryifying than it is comforting.

music is not something that even crosses his mind until much later in life. it was never an option, still isn't, so he decides early that it is not worth the energy of entertaining, even as he finds peace only when the music is loud enough to drown out everything else. he is desperate to mold himself into somebody worth his mothers' undying affections, not just charades and party tricks. but they are patient with him nonetheless, smiles tight and forgiving through it all, and his stomach turns more often than not with the way pity flashes in a matching set of cool eyes, lightning-quick.

benji is created in just sixteen hours and thirty-seven minutes, an accident. it's a textbook definition of overnight fame, a shoddy youtube video gaining far more traction than it was ever meant to. he's nineteen and only in his second semester at college, and music was never the plan, but neither was law school, really. it's a headache, dizzying to imagine taking a life where he steps outside of his family's hold, and he is forced to make a real decision for the first time in his life. so he does.

in the same breath that he signs a contract with the label, they are prying his music from his fingers, the lyrics of missing a life that was never his to begin with are lifted away and delivered to somebody that looks more the part of soft and remoreseful. ( cue lincoln entering stage left, hello bb ) rather, he’s fitted with quick and aggressive lines, still technically his words but molded in a way that don’t fit right in his mouth. they tell him it fits his image better, and doesn’t he want to be famous? the worst part is that it works, his fans eat it up, and demand more, more, more. anger thrums beneath his skin, obvious even as he shoves it down like always, but any pr agent could spot it from a mile away, and they tell him to use that instead. he is familiar with the use of disguises, years of sneaking around in his own home make excellent practice, but it leaves a bad taste in his mouth all the same. nobody has ever allowed him the vice of anger before, though. he knows a lifeline when he sees one, and he runs with it. benji realizes all too late that this is not the freedom he thought he would be granted, realizes he should have known better, that he let himself get passed over from his mothers’ iron grasp to the label’s. he decides he prefers the way disappointing others lasts longer and feels better than chasing approval, and lets this time be different.

[ H E A D C A N O N S ]

( i know this is all dramatic backstory so far lmao, let me introduce you to who this dumb asshole really is )

more than anything else, benji is all bark with no bite. he’ll curse you out for accidentally waking him up at 7:30 instead of 8:00, and hold the grudge for hours with icy stares and glorified pouting, like he’s got a personal vendetta for making himself miserable. he’s often a bit standoffish, distant in the apathetic way that you could cry on his shoulder for hours and still not hear a word out of him, look over and he’ll offer a placating grin and a shrug. he tells the truth to a fault, blunt and unforgiving and too impatient to waste time playing games with lies and faux-affection. even with all his own bouts of irritability, the kid is an absolute idiot when it comes to reading people and understanding social cues and he’s often left blind-sided when people are pissed at him without explicitly spelling it out. still, he doesn’t hold any actual distaste for anybody on the tour, floating between groups based on whoever’s personality suits him better that day, unless they are the ones to escalate the matter, in which case, good luck charlie. forgive-and-forget isn’t really in his vocabulary. once he makes a decision, it’s near impossible to get him to change his mind.

when he wants to be, or if you’ve entertained his interests in one way or another, he warms up and and indulges you with his internal monologue ( your chances are better if there’s a camera around, he doesn’t often bother wasting the energy otherwise, but still ) actually, it is not as hard as it sounds to gain his favor. crack a dumb joke about pr or offer him half a snickers bar and you’ve already got a foot in the door, baby. he reveals his friendship in odd ways — sarcastic comments and random compliments, nonchalant and declared like fact rather than opinion.

the real shortcut into his brain is alcohol. flash forward to like 11pm on any given day and the asshole is chugging fireball like it’s the first sip of water he’s had after years of dehydration, suddenly all bright grins and loud laughs, eager to collect drinking buddies like playing cards. it’s a harsh juxtaposition, from brooding and fabricated to giggling and tipsy, and his tolerance isn’t nearly as high as he likes to pretend it is, so he’s drunk off his ass and acting a fool more often than not. he’ll trade secrets easily, charming and tongue loose in a way that it never is when he’s sober. ( don’t even get me started with the amount of people he hooks up with, oh boy ) drunk benji’s a real headache for the crew, considering he’s not of drinking age yet in america and he’s got a rigid mask to maintain in order to keep up his charades and remain relevant. he refuses to be ashamed of it, though, and he’s adamant to make things difficult for them, relishing instead in impulsive decisions he never got the chance to make for most of his life. long story short, in a pinch, buy him a handle and he’ll probably like you.

when i say benji will try anything once, i mean it seriously, offer him literally anything and odds are that he’ll say yes. it’s kind of ridiculous. his self-destructive streak is always up for a good time, wink wink ( this doesn’t just mean drugs or anything, like dare him to eat an entire jar of nutella in under 10 minutes? where’s the spoon )

unfortunately he’s a stereotypical rich kid through and through, and he’s got the nicotine addiction to show for it. he won’t even smoke cigarettes out of the principle of the thing ( unless he’s blackout drunk, in which case, oh boy, watch your pockets ) but he’s got at least two juuls on him at any given moment. nobody knows how he manages it, but he’s got an extensive supply of the mango flavored pods even though they’re banned, because they’re the only ones he’ll use. he’s got lots of connections, and the fact that he uses them for this pretty much sums up his entire personality.

you would think that benji, with his reformed rich kid attitude and all his burning anger and sarcastic eye-rolling, would only drink expensive coffee, black and strong, right? no. he’ll walk up to any barista, pissed just to be awake before noon and gaze as hard and cold as hell itself frozen over, and order himself a frozen caramel frappuccino with extra whipped cream and extra caramel drizzle on top, deadpan and monotone. to add insult to injury, he’ll chase it by shotgunning a can of redbull, living off of unhealthy amounts of caffeine to have enough energy to deal with the others at all times. it’s ridiculous.

he’s grudgingly okay with the fact that his social media accounts have been sacrificed for his image, wiped clean and shaped into the public figure he is today. however, he guards his spotify account with his life, keeping it private and refusing to monitor this aspect of his life. his music taste is everything to him, and while he’s willing to plaster songs he’s never listened to all over his instagram story, his spotify is an extension of him, and he fights like a dog to keep it that way.

last but not least, benji’s fashion is atrocious. really, for the greater good nobody should let him dress himself, ever, and they usually don’t. he’s got quite the bad reputation amongst the stylists, infamous for scowling at the high-fashion look they want to stuff him in, refusing to hear reason to the fact that he has to wear makeup to the red carpet. whenever he knows beyond a doubt that no cameras will be waved in front of his eyes, he practically lives in sweats like it’s his religion, paired with genuinely whichever shirt he first lays eyes on. ( listen, he grew up filthy rich and just bought his first pair of sweatpants when he went to college, let him indulge bb ) some members will swear up and down to the fact that they saw him walk around in mysteriously stained sweatpants and a stolen back-up dancer’s skin tight, hot pink mesh crop top for a full hour into rehearsal before he woke up enough to realize his mistake. he’ll bite your head off for even bringing it up, but glance down and double-check what he’s wearing just in case.

oh wait also he’s dyslexic. words blur together in a way that makes writing lyrics a bitch, and just one song take him weeks to finish. it makes the sting of having them ripped away even worse. ( also i get to spell things wrong in the group chat and it’s in character lmao )

[steviethechihuahuawrangler]

What a magnificent day for Lizzy and me. Our friends had an afternoon of gardening, drinks and laughs. We spanned the backyard and deck. We listened to some great tunes via Spotify and eventually drag the family TV outside for a How I Met Your Mother Marathon under the sunshine. You really need great friends to show you all you've been missing. Today I was feeling more introverted than the last few days. A deck party wasn't on my top ten list of things to do but I'm glad I hung around. Raise a hand if you like to isolate!Today though, was an exception . Seeing Lizzy flitting around her high school friends whom all accept her as much now as they did before she became my husband made it all worth while.

We are still so newly out semi-publically and continue to open up more and more. Lizzy has many more people in her corner than I have in mine. My mother has yet to speak to me since I told her on Mother's Day. Albiet Ohn timing Was not the kindest, neither was her uber religious reactions. Thats why I love Lizzy's mom so much. We live in her home and keep one another company and though She admits she does not understand this transition at all she is really trying to come around. We had a breakthrough when Lizzy's mom and I bought Lizzy a cute sweater in the shops this week . It was the first time she purchased Lizzy real women's clothing and not effeminate male clothing. I love pride mamas in bloom. She'll come around in no time.

This transition has offered me unusual obsticles as well. Two major problem areas have arrose for me and I had no Idea they would bother me in the least. Number one- I'm going to miss Lizzy's male singing voice and Number two - I'm going to miss her male smell. Nothing prepared me for how hard those things would hit me. We are talking a fountain of silent weeping. Now before anyone accuses me of anything my wife's happiness trumps any of my hrt jitters. Seeing her euphoria brings me euphoria. Showing her girl tricks and tips brings us closer . I'm coping with my natural feelings of fear by doing this blogging thing with her permission. I also have several of her male clothes | adapted into my non-binary closet So my husband can hug me long- distance across time. I found it poetic and a simple solution. | love Lizzy. I've always loved her from when she came out to play our first Halloween together twelve years ago. She was delighted she was so passible that she dropped the bass in her voice and managed to drop a few dude jaws. It was magnificent. And to this day she still is magnificent. she lights up rooms with her charms. She cooks better than most chefs I've dined with. Her artis breath-taking. She's an excellent lover, cheerleader, and best friend.She's the most brilliant woman I know. She's the heroine in this story.

[haelroyale]

How to Deal With Stress Positively

New Post has been published on http://bit.ly/34UiTe9

How to Deal With Stress Positively

How to deal with stress positively

First off, before we get into how to deal with stress positively, I want to just debunk the misconception that anxiety is an unavoidable aspect of living. I do not think that. I decide not to believe that because even though stress is widespread, everyone here has probably experienced stress in life.

Life can be stressful at times. I believe that if you meditate, you will have the ability to achieve a little state of zen in which you are so so present you’re never stressed.

I think that it is likely to exist much more worry-free and longer stress-free. Don’t believe that stress is unavoidable because it is avoidable.

Today I’m going to share some tips on how to deal with stress positively. My first tip on how to deal with stress positively is to:

1) Take a shower or a bath.

There is a definite feeling about cleansing yourself, which also cleanses yourself emotionally. It washes your energy by removing those impurities away. It relaxes you.

Also, make sure to hydrate and drink lots of water, then a bath or shower, and you will feel so much better.

2) Be present.

You notice that, once you’re stressed, you’re usually feeling stressed or apprehensive about the future since it’s unsure.

You are unsure whether you are gonna pass this test, or you’re uncertain whether something is definitely going to be a certainty, and that may drive us mad if we allow it to.

But when you’re in the now, you’re focused on whatever’s in front of you. And in case you haven’t noticed: You can always handle the present moment.

So whatever obstacle is happening in your own life, if it’s the situation you are in at the moment, you are going to deal with it.

But usually, we are worried because we are attempting to deal with the problem which has not happened yet. It’s later on. That’s what’s causing the stress.

Know your power is here in the present moment. It is possible to think of the time you had a test in school coming up, and you were anxious about it.

You were really stressed out preparing or studying, or perhaps procrastinating made you stressed out. But when you’re really there taking the exam, you are not stressing out.

You are focused, you’re flowing. You are like, Okay, allow me to figure out this. Let me do this…” You’re solving the issue facing you.

Stress is a trick your brain plays on you before anything is actually happening. Stress is your anticipation, not the activity. Concentrate on the job in an instant, and you’ll be okay.

3) Brain dump.

Write it all down. When you journal all of your thoughts out, worries, and anxieties, you notice what is causing your stress, and you see how silly some of your concerns or fears maybe.

This may help you feel more clear then, so you’re not in your head all the time. You’ll be able to organize your thoughts a bit when you view it down on paper.

You might give yourself advice in your journal session. Usually, I only help myself when I am journaling it out. I’m worried about this, or I am concerned about that.

But also: this, this, and this. It’s okay because of this, this, and this. That means that you can use journaling as a tool to alleviate your anxiety, to inform yourself that it is going to be okay.

You might also utilize this session to assist you in planning out those future actions to help you escape this situation. You can use it as productive time, plan for your next baby steps, and see what beliefs or thoughts are holding you back.

Really use it to get clear. The fourth step on how to deal with stress positively is:

4) Talk to someone and get help.

Sometimes you want an outsider’s view to have the ability to understand your situation clearly. Speaking to a trusted friend or therapist can help you set you at ease and alleviate your tension and anxiety and feel in peace.

A fantastic resource to get connected with a licensed therapist online is BetterHelp.

BetterHelp is for cheap, personal counseling. Their website and the app offer access to accredited, trained, and certified counselors and therapists so that they can get assistance anytime, anywhere.

How it works is they pair you with a counselor who is right for you. You’ll be able to find a description of your therapist, their specialties, years of expertise, and reviews from other clients too.

If you don’t vibe with the one that you got, you may always change the therapist you have. In my situation, I was matched by BetterHelp the same day, and we scheduled a live video conversation.

So that was my very first experience with speaking to a therapist. And at the very first session, it was refreshing to have the ability to talk about anxieties and my issues frankly.

I cried a lot in the first session, which I ultimately did not anticipate. But it’s just been really healing and another experience to try.

In case you’re interested, definitely, check out BetterHelp because it’s so accessible and straightforward to utilize.

5) Detach yourself from the outcome and trust the process.

Understand in life you’ll find things that you can control and items that you can’t control. And it is useless, and it is a waste of time to focus and worry about matters that are outside of your control.

Therefore concentrate which you can get a handle on. Do your best and discharge your control of the outcome. Consider having this fresh perspective.

When you don’t care what happens, you are living more carefree, you have zero expectations. Whatever happens, happens.

The idea is that life will simply take you in these directions. You’ll have challenges, and sometimes, however, everything placed before you in life, everything is given for you, is there to allow you to grow, to help you learn, to gain strength.

So expect that whatever is in front of you is whatever you need to grow. A comfortable life isn’t real, there isn’t any simple life, there isn’t any ideal life.

Bad things are gonna happen. Challenges are gonna happen. So as long as you have the mindset: I am just going to perform my best and not care about the outcome. I’m here to learn, you’ll be okay.

6) Meditate

Meditation should be done every day as it’s one of the foundation habits, one of being more stress-free, carefree, joyful in the life of the main hints.

It has so many benefits. If you were able to meditate 5 minutes daily, you would feel the benefits of a sound mind and a centered soul.

Meditation is learning to realign with your soul and softening the noise around you, and remembering that your soul within, it’s always still, it’s always secure.

Your soul is invincible. So meditation is a reminder to come back to that and realize that everything around is just temporary.

It’s not going to stay like that forever. Anyway, if it’s difficult for you to meditate, you can definitely try guided meditations like Calm or Headspace. Or you could try spa music.

I really like Spotify spa music in the background sometimes, just because it’s so relaxing. There’s also a quote that I heard once that really stuck with me, something like: “Fifteen minutes of meditation a day is essential. If you are busy, then an hour is necessary.”

I actually think that’s a quote that keeps coming up in my meditation app Zenfriend. But anyway, it’s super accurate that you should meditate every day, but if you are busier or if you are more stressed, then you should meditate longer.

I know it’s counter – when you’re busy, you’re like, “I don’t have time for meditation.” But when you are working is when you need it most.

7) Take care of yourself.

Take care of your body, your health, your well-being. Don’t forget that self-care always comes first, because you have to be okay to function in everyday life.

So make sure you’re eating healthy, drinking a lot of water, getting enough sleep. It really is the basics. And I know that when we’re busy or stressed, we tend to sacrifice things like that.

We tend to cut sleep, we tend to eat unhealthy because it’s more convenient. But when you’re busy, that’s actually the time that you need those things more.

The busier you are, the more you own it to yourself to take care of yourself. Lastly, I want to leave you guys with a quote that I really like.

It’s by Dale Carnegie: “Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.”

That just means that, when you’re feeling stressed, anxious, worried, which are all versions of fear, it means that it’s all happening in your head.

And the best thing that you can do to get out of that state is to simply take action. To my point of being present, focus on what you can do right now in the present moment and do your best.

That’s the best that you can do. And when you start to take action, you will feel like – the fear dissolves because you’re so focused on what you’re doing.

So when you just sit home, and you’re just thinking, of course, you’re gonna feel stressed and scared. But when you’re taking action, you feel more confident, and you have more courage and bravery to keep going and to just get things done.

So I send you guys all of that positive energy, all of that just-do-it energy. And I hope that whatever stress you’re going through right now, that you just take a step back from your life, appreciate it for what it is, be grateful for everything that you have, and just relax.

We all need to just appreciate the beauty. After you do that, focus on what’s in front of you and get to work. I hope these tips on how to deal with stress positively have helped you in some way. Thank you for stopping by and have a blessed day!

Check out our article on how to get something off your mind

[soothsayercharacternotes]

How to Deal With Stress Positively

New Post has been published on http://bit.ly/34UiTe9

How to Deal With Stress Positively

How to deal with stress positively

First off, before we get into how to deal with stress positively, I want to just debunk the misconception that anxiety is an unavoidable aspect of living. I do not think that. I decide not to believe that because even though stress is widespread, everyone here has probably experienced stress in life.

Life can be stressful at times. I believe that if you meditate, you will have the ability to achieve a little state of zen in which you are so so present you’re never stressed.

I think that it is likely to exist much more worry-free and longer stress-free. Don’t believe that stress is unavoidable because it is avoidable.

Today I’m going to share some tips on how to deal with stress positively. My first tip on how to deal with stress positively is to:

1) Take a shower or a bath.

There is a definite feeling about cleansing yourself, which also cleanses yourself emotionally. It washes your energy by removing those impurities away. It relaxes you.

Also, make sure to hydrate and drink lots of water, then a bath or shower, and you will feel so much better.

2) Be present.

You notice that, once you’re stressed, you’re usually feeling stressed or apprehensive about the future since it’s unsure.

You are unsure whether you are gonna pass this test, or you’re uncertain whether something is definitely going to be a certainty, and that may drive us mad if we allow it to.

But when you’re in the now, you’re focused on whatever’s in front of you. And in case you haven’t noticed: You can always handle the present moment.

So whatever obstacle is happening in your own life, if it’s the situation you are in at the moment, you are going to deal with it.

But usually, we are worried because we are attempting to deal with the problem which has not happened yet. It’s later on. That’s what’s causing the stress.

Know your power is here in the present moment. It is possible to think of the time you had a test in school coming up, and you were anxious about it.

You were really stressed out preparing or studying, or perhaps procrastinating made you stressed out. But when you’re really there taking the exam, you are not stressing out.

You are focused, you’re flowing. You are like, Okay, allow me to figure out this. Let me do this…” You’re solving the issue facing you.

Stress is a trick your brain plays on you before anything is actually happening. Stress is your anticipation, not the activity. Concentrate on the job in an instant, and you’ll be okay.

3) Brain dump.

Write it all down. When you journal all of your thoughts out, worries, and anxieties, you notice what is causing your stress, and you see how silly some of your concerns or fears maybe.

This may help you feel more clear then, so you’re not in your head all the time. You’ll be able to organize your thoughts a bit when you view it down on paper.

You might give yourself advice in your journal session. Usually, I only help myself when I am journaling it out. I’m worried about this, or I am concerned about that.

But also: this, this, and this. It’s okay because of this, this, and this. That means that you can use journaling as a tool to alleviate your anxiety, to inform yourself that it is going to be okay.

You might also utilize this session to assist you in planning out those future actions to help you escape this situation. You can use it as productive time, plan for your next baby steps, and see what beliefs or thoughts are holding you back.

Really use it to get clear. The fourth step on how to deal with stress positively is:

4) Talk to someone and get help.

Sometimes you want an outsider’s view to have the ability to understand your situation clearly. Speaking to a trusted friend or therapist can help you set you at ease and alleviate your tension and anxiety and feel in peace.

A fantastic resource to get connected with a licensed therapist online is BetterHelp.

BetterHelp is for cheap, personal counseling. Their website and the app offer access to accredited, trained, and certified counselors and therapists so that they can get assistance anytime, anywhere.

How it works is they pair you with a counselor who is right for you. You’ll be able to find a description of your therapist, their specialties, years of expertise, and reviews from other clients too.

If you don’t vibe with the one that you got, you may always change the therapist you have. In my situation, I was matched by BetterHelp the same day, and we scheduled a live video conversation.

So that was my very first experience with speaking to a therapist. And at the very first session, it was refreshing to have the ability to talk about anxieties and my issues frankly.

I cried a lot in the first session, which I ultimately did not anticipate. But it’s just been really healing and another experience to try.

In case you’re interested, definitely, check out BetterHelp because it’s so accessible and straightforward to utilize.

5) Detach yourself from the outcome and trust the process.

Understand in life you’ll find things that you can control and items that you can’t control. And it is useless, and it is a waste of time to focus and worry about matters that are outside of your control.

Therefore concentrate which you can get a handle on. Do your best and discharge your control of the outcome. Consider having this fresh perspective.

When you don’t care what happens, you are living more carefree, you have zero expectations. Whatever happens, happens.

The idea is that life will simply take you in these directions. You’ll have challenges, and sometimes, however, everything placed before you in life, everything is given for you, is there to allow you to grow, to help you learn, to gain strength.

So expect that whatever is in front of you is whatever you need to grow. A comfortable life isn’t real, there isn’t any simple life, there isn’t any ideal life.

Bad things are gonna happen. Challenges are gonna happen. So as long as you have the mindset: I am just going to perform my best and not care about the outcome. I’m here to learn, you’ll be okay.

6) Meditate

Meditation should be done every day as it’s one of the foundation habits, one of being more stress-free, carefree, joyful in the life of the main hints.

It has so many benefits. If you were able to meditate 5 minutes daily, you would feel the benefits of a sound mind and a centered soul.

Meditation is learning to realign with your soul and softening the noise around you, and remembering that your soul within, it’s always still, it’s always secure.

Your soul is invincible. So meditation is a reminder to come back to that and realize that everything around is just temporary.

It’s not going to stay like that forever. Anyway, if it’s difficult for you to meditate, you can definitely try guided meditations like Calm or Headspace. Or you could try spa music.

I really like Spotify spa music in the background sometimes, just because it’s so relaxing. There’s also a quote that I heard once that really stuck with me, something like: “Fifteen minutes of meditation a day is essential. If you are busy, then an hour is necessary.”

I actually think that’s a quote that keeps coming up in my meditation app Zenfriend. But anyway, it’s super accurate that you should meditate every day, but if you are busier or if you are more stressed, then you should meditate longer.

I know it’s counter – when you’re busy, you’re like, “I don’t have time for meditation.” But when you are working is when you need it most.

7) Take care of yourself.

Take care of your body, your health, your well-being. Don’t forget that self-care always comes first, because you have to be okay to function in everyday life.

So make sure you’re eating healthy, drinking a lot of water, getting enough sleep. It really is the basics. And I know that when we’re busy or stressed, we tend to sacrifice things like that.

We tend to cut sleep, we tend to eat unhealthy because it’s more convenient. But when you’re busy, that’s actually the time that you need those things more.

The busier you are, the more you own it to yourself to take care of yourself. Lastly, I want to leave you guys with a quote that I really like.

It’s by Dale Carnegie: “Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.”

That just means that, when you’re feeling stressed, anxious, worried, which are all versions of fear, it means that it’s all happening in your head.

And the best thing that you can do to get out of that state is to simply take action. To my point of being present, focus on what you can do right now in the present moment and do your best.

That’s the best that you can do. And when you start to take action, you will feel like – the fear dissolves because you’re so focused on what you’re doing.

So when you just sit home, and you’re just thinking, of course, you’re gonna feel stressed and scared. But when you’re taking action, you feel more confident, and you have more courage and bravery to keep going and to just get things done.

So I send you guys all of that positive energy, all of that just-do-it energy. And I hope that whatever stress you’re going through right now, that you just take a step back from your life, appreciate it for what it is, be grateful for everything that you have, and just relax.

We all need to just appreciate the beauty. After you do that, focus on what’s in front of you and get to work. I hope these tips on how to deal with stress positively have helped you in some way. Thank you for stopping by and have a blessed day!

Check out our article on how to get something off your mind