#also i read someone once say they think using washcloths are gross

[ultravioletlesbian]

i am very aware of people thinking shaving is the same as washing and so they dont wash their legs.

[songofsaraneth]

Ok now that I have time/space to breathe again, I wanted to do a writeup on the unusual reaction I had to the second Covid vaccine dose. I debated posting this, because I don't want to go against the "I was vaccinated and it's fine!" encouragement train. And I 1000% encourage EVERYONE to get vaccinated if possible. But I have not seen much documentation of the averse symptom I got, except in some case studies I specifically looked up so details below. Big TMI/gross warning however. 

Mostly I'm posting this because I had to do SO much self-advocating/arguing with the Dr at my urgent care clinic, and if you're not as read up on weird medical issues as I am, you might not be comfortable doing that. But IANAD, just describing my experience and what I read, which ended up being very long because it was awful and I have a lot to complain about I guess, sorry.

Basically: for me the vaccine triggered an inflammation response, which in itself is normal. The usual muscle aches/joint pain/slight fever. It also triggered an outbreak of ulcers in my soft tissues. Basically, a bunch of canker sores in my mouth/throat. I am already prone to getting these when I get sick or stressed out, so no biggie, annoying and painful but I could handle them. Canker sores are distinct from cold sores in that they form inside the mouth as crater spots, usually around the size of a pencil eraser (though can be bigger or smaller), and will develop a white film across the crater as they develop and start to heal.

An unfortunate fact I have learned: the mouth is not the only exposed “soft tissue” of the body. this group also includes genitals.

So 2 days after the vaccine I noticed a "burning sensation"/rawness downstairs, which turned into a sharp pain, especially when going to the bathroom. I obviously knew this was abnormal and because of what was happening in my mouth, had a pretty firm idea of what was happening, but was ready to brace myself through the healing process. However by day 5 I had 8 red, crater-like sores on the tissue of my vulva. Essentially they are open wounds, and urine is an acid, so you can imagine the hell that using the bathroom had become. Even just sitting hurt.

As someone healthcare-averse, even I knew this was untenable, and went to Urgent Care for the first time in my adult life. I told the NP what was going on, how they matched the canker sores (NOT cold sores) in my mouth in onset/form--and she immediately, without even looking, diagnosed me with herpes.

Lots of people have herpes or other STIs, and that's fine. I know I do not have any, and wanted to pursue treatment for what I was sure they were--Non-sexually acquired genital ulceration (NSGU). I had even found three case studies of COVID patients who had developed them. I had spent several harrowing hours on google images making sure that the sores I had did not match any STI I may have magically acquired during a year of social distancing. I even brought up multiple case studies, including a woman who had them as a Covid reaction in a neighboring state. Didn’t matter. She looked at them and went “Yikes! Herpes!” and prescribed me: 

1) an antiviral, which I said I did not think would do anything because the trigger for this was a vaccine not an illness. She said it was probably a herpes flare up already in my system. I reiterated that I have had similar sores in my mouth since childhood and that all my past doctors and dentists agreed it was not viral but something related to an immune response. She said the antivirals should clear them up in a few days.

2) a topical 5% lidocaine ointment, aka an oral grade numbing gel, which was essentially what I was after anyway.

I would have preferred a steroid course to the antiviral, but agreed to start taking them until she got the results of the bloodwork I needed to come in the next day for. I asked how many days after taking them I would expect to see a difference/if she would reevaluate treatment if they didn’t have an effect in a certain amount of time, and she said if they hadn’t cleared up by Monday then she’d look into other causes (spoiler, they did nothing in that 4 day span). to her credit, when she saw me pick up my bike helmet (because my car had been at the mechanic for a month by then), she was properly horrified that i was having to bike everywhere with this situation and printed off some coupons/called all the prescriptions into the grocery store pharmacy next door instead of the CVS my insurance likes a mile away.

So eventually I got home and took my pill & went to put on the ointment so I could use the bathroom for the first time in 8 hours. I’ll spare you the details but suffice to say I had an extremely, overwhelmingly painful 10 minutes of application. Like absolutely awful burning feeling. However once that faded, I was indeed actually numb, and so I figured it was worth it. Got my bloodwork done on Friday (biking there & home again). On Saturday, I thought that you know, maybe a prescription anesthetic shouldn’t be doing that or at least have some sort of warning? And read the details on the jar.

Good things about lidocaine: it is a powerful numbing agent and lasts pretty well for an hour or two.

Bad things about lidocaine: you cannot get oral grade lidocaine without added mint flavoring.

I happen to be EXTREMELY sensitive to mint. Like I still can’t handle breath mints or mouthwash, and used bubblegum flavored toothpaste until I was 14 and found a brand with half as much mint flavoring as is typical. Even if you’re not, mint has no business being anywhere near genital tissue. Even on an average person that could cause awful burning. to make a long saga shorter I had a very frustrating back-and-forth with urgent care involving many rerouted phone trees, visit in person, unhelpful receptionists, and attempts to find over-the-counter alternatives. All were fruitless so I just  suffered all weekend until the urgent care Nurse Practitioner called me back on Monday and was suitably apologetic/outraged about the mint thing, and looked up every OTC product that might work as a substitute, since she couldn’t find any prescription level without mint. On Tuesday she called back again having found this:

It’s 4%, so just below prescription strength, while not oral grade, it’s actually fine for soft tissues as long as not fully ingested/internally applied. And most importantly, ABSOLUTELY NO ADDED FLAVORINGS. there is also a spray version that comes in a bottle, which under no circumstances should you try because it uses alcohol as a propellant and I had a very bad 5 minutes after testing that one. But the cream one is fine and brings blessed numbness in around 5 minutes with only minimal contact pain--they are still open wounds after all. 

I use this for the next 7 days. By this point the sores have gotten worse and larger, and then started to heal and shrink again. Mouth canker sores go through a similar ~2 week process, so this is about what I expected.

Finally the results of my bloodwork came back, and I was negative for all STIs. The NP was dumbfounded and apologized, and agreed to look up more information/treatment options for cases like this in the future. I’m not surprised her reaction was to assume herpes as it IS very common, but I’m sure other women experience NSGU’s and receive improper treatment. If you look them up, they’re even mentioned as being predominantly a problem for “young or prepubescent women” which, reading between the lines--it’s not that these become less likely if you’re older or sexually active. Doctors just make assumptions and don’t always look past the easy answers.

So if you or someone you know ends up with these--from the Covid vaccine or as a complication of upper respiratory infections in general (as they ARE an immune response and can just Happen to you)--here is what works as treatment. If you can see a doctor you trust, still do that. But if they don’t listen or if for some reason you can’t seek treatment, here is the course of action I recommend: 

Pick up that over-the-counter Pain Relief+Lidocaine NON MINTY numbing cream ASAP. Sores go from “annoying” to “excruciating” in only 3 days, so it’s best to get in person or with rush shipping. Sit in front of a mirror and gently apply with a q-tip, and wait 5 minutes for the medicine to take effect.

Pat gently dry with toilet paper, don’t make wiping motions. If you don’t feel clean enough, pat more with a wet washcloth and rinse it out, or hope in the shoer for 5 min just to rinse.

There may be pus or reside from the ointment that doesn’t go away with just rinsing. Every 2 days I made a half-strength bath of epsom salts, NUMBED FULLY, and then took a 10 minute bath to fully cleanse the area. the salt will sting terribly if you wait any longer, so I recommend standing and rinsing after this time.

The vulva is more exposed to air than the mouth. this may cause the sores to crack/bleed as they dry out. to avoid this, after using the restroom and cleaning yourself, you can apply a thick coating of Aquaphor on top of the sores. It will need to be rinsed off before you apply more numbing cream however, so if that is too many steps I recommend just using the Aquaphor overnight.

You may think its ok to get up in the middle of the night to pee without the numbing cream bc you have to go really bad and just once will be fine but it is NOT you will REGRET IT.

Unfortunately if you have sores on both sides you may develop what is known as “kissing sores”, aka sores directly opposite each other that touch when the area is not spread open. this means that after an extended period of time (overnight), the sores will try to heal into each other and opening the area back up painfully rips the tissue apart. INStEAD of ripping them apart, take a washclosh, run it under warm water, and do a hot/warm compress on the area. this will loosen the sores back up and separate them painlessly.

This is not exclusive to people with a vulva, they can also happen on scrotal/anal tissue. However it does seem to much more frequently affect people with typical XX sex organs. 

If you develop these, PLEASE fill out an averse reaction form or your country’s equivalent. Also, I’m so sorry and if you need emotional support or have questions please feel free to get in touch.

Most likely, these will not happen to you--the vast majority of vaccinated people have not had this as a side effect. But it IS popping up more and more, and it is good to know about it in advance so you can be prepared to deal with and treat it without as much anxiety and all the hoops I had to jump through to get good care. Overall I’m still glad to be vaccinated, but if I had known this was a side effect, as someone already prone to canker sores I would have waited to vaccinate until my car was fixed a week later a the very least :|

[stomachflu]

a bit of rambling about Why I Have This Kink, under the cut for length + discussion of sexual stuff. please don’t rb this, i’ll talk about it, but i don’t really want it spreading all over.

this is really, really, REALLY long. I don't even feel safe writing about kink stuff in my own physical diary, so, here, read like 2k about my life if you wanna.

the other week i saw someone make a “is this a ___” meme, where the bird was “h/c” and the text read “is this a substitute for being cared for and loved?”. you know the one. don’t make me recreate it.

anyways, it got me thinking a bit, at first about a comment thread i recall participating in... idk, on livejournal, circa 2010 or so? though it could’ve also been on a dreamwidth community; i was active on both. anyways, it was in a thread about h/c. one comment said that the person liked reading about h/c because their parents had been pretty strict and neglectful when they were growing up, and the only time they were shown affection is when they were sick. another person replied to that comment and agreed, saying that they had a similar upbringing, except that their parents didn’t even pay attention when they were sick, so they enjoyed h/c because it let them fantasize about being the center of attention for a bit.

i still remember that conversation to this day, because it really resonated with me. like many other people, my parents also didn’t treat me well when i was sick. they were very strict about stuff like school, and would send me there with a 102 degree fever, loaded up on Tylenol. stuff like whining about not feeling good wasn’t tolerated.

(i’ve seen quite a few bloggers talk about how, as a kid, they used to be afraid of illness/injury scenes in media, and i was no exception. if, for example, a character on a tv show got a cold, i would run to the other side of the house as quickly as possible and put my fingers in my ears. i wasn’t a squeamish kid; i wanted to be a doctor and pretty much everybody knew that i was interested in characters getting sick or hurt. a lot of people say that, for them, it was due to the shame and embarrassment of knowing that they enjoyed watching characters suffer. for me, that was... sort of it? but also, i was embarrassed for the characters. being miserable from something like a cold wasn’t allowed in my house, so i felt like... weirdly bad for them, but also bad about enjoying something that i wasn’t allowed to experience or enjoy myself, and also because i knew it wasn’t a normal interest.)

anyways. i don’t think it was a coincidence that the only times i was ever allowed to stay home from school were when i had thrown up. like i said above, any other illness or injury was an automatic “do not pass go, go straight to school”, but, for some reason, if i had vomited even once, my mom would let me stay home.

i think at this point i should mention that, when i was like... 6-10? ish? my brother got very, very sick. i’m talking, “going to the hospital every week for infusions” sick. as a kid, it was very alien for me to go from being told that a sore throat didn’t “count” at home, to tagging along to my brother’s appointments and seeing the doctors get really concerned if he had a sore throat, making a huge deal out of the tiniest illness symptoms. (and for good reason! a cold really could’ve made him sick at that point.) anyways, i think that that’s another point on the “developing an interest in h/c” scale for me.

he got special treatment i could never even DREAM of. in school, he was allowed to wander around and do whatever he wanted, because he often felt sick and had to go on a walk to feel better, and he was allowed to bring hard candy and chocolate into the classroom, because he had sores in his mouth that only felt better if he had another texture to focus on. all of this was, like, 100% justified – he was really, REALLY sick, and i didn’t fully realize it at the time. he’s a great brother.

but more often than not, he was staying home at school, being cared for by my mom. it’s not a coincidence that the only way i could experience the way he was cared for – lap trays, eating in front of the TV, cold washcloths, even just being told, “i’m sorry you’re not feeling good” – was if i’d thrown up.

to me, “throwing up” became The Worst Symptom. i used to make up imaginary universes of characters who only existed to get sick or hurt and go to the hospital (in my mind, A Place Where People Cared About You And Always Made You Feel Better). i would have them go through every single illness symptom, no matter how plausible, and it would culminate with them vomiting, because, for me, that was the One True Thing that showed that they were really, actually sick.

so... nearly 1k into this post, What Does That Have To Do With Me Having A Kink? dude, i don’t fuckin’ know.

okay. maybe i do, a bit?

ANOTHER weird thing i used to do (and still do!) is like... save certain things for when i was gonna enjoy them the most? for example, if i had a snack or dessert, i would grab a book to read as i ate, so it would be more enjoyable. i was a very inattentive kid, but i would NOT daydream about my h/c scenarios in class, especially if i had something “good” planned, because i wanted to save it for when i got home, and then i’d daydream as i ate.

okay. we get a bit tmi & nsfw here.

i don’t wanna talk about this bit TOO TOO much, but due to, like, depression & medication and stuff, i was a very late bloomer. but when i did, uh, start masturbating, i didn’t... really connect it to any thoughts, i just realized it felt good. so i did what i always did when i was doing something pleasurable, and daydreamed about my characters “during.” and since all i daydreamed about was h/c scenarios (yes, even, like, YEARS LATER), it would culminate with the characters vomiting.

probably also something to be said about the fact that a big part of the way i was being punished for being sick as a kid was that, like, nobody would love me if i was whiny and gross like this. the thought that not only someone would love me BUT that they would find me attractive while i’m sick? is really [chef’s kiss]

anyways. there’s probably a lot to be said about like, stuff other people have pointed out, like how the buildup of nausea is similar to the buildup to an orgasm, but for me, it’s less about that and more about [gestures] All Of This.

i guess this also explains why for me it’s strictly about illness – as opposed to other stuff, like motion sickness, that i never experienced OR was comforted for, or like... self-inflicted stuff that i was either punished for (like, drinking, or self-induced vomiting) or stuff that was seen as My Fault (for example, eating expired food).

anyways. lotta words to explain why i’m big horny about puke, huh?

weirdly enough, tummblr dot vom has helped with a LOT of this stuff. once i realized that this WAS a kink (i was... 19 when i realized i was feeling Sexual Stuff about puke, oh my god, although looking back, it should’ve been obvious earlier, and i wonder if i always knew), making this blog and interacting w/ the community really made me unlearn a lot of the shame i felt, both about having a fetish AND about being sick. it’s really cool, y’know?

this has gotten long enough so i’m just gonna leave it here.

[profitinaecho]

Dark Max pt 6 (explicit under cut)

“I shot out a lightbulb again today.” Rosa dropped onto the stool next to Liz.

“Oh yeah?” Liz tried not to look guilty. Max had definitely been the one to blow that particular bulb out.

“I know Max isn’t himself right now but do you think he could teach me how to use my powers so that doesn’t keep happening? I’m scared I’m going to end up doing that in front of people. I didn’t even feel the electricity when I did that today.” Rosa fretted, twirling her hair nervously. “Also, did you notice someone left their underwear in the bathroom earlier?”

Liz cringed. “Actually, today was me and Max.”

“What?” And then Rosa realized what her sister was saying. “Oh! Good for you but gross!”

“I can still ask him to help you with your powers if you’d like.”

——————————

A few days later, Liz was dragging a razor up her legs sitting on the bathroom counter in just shorts and a tank after dinner when Max appeared in her connected bedroom. Startled, she knicked herself and started to bleed.

“What are you doing to my legs?” Max asked, concerned.

All of Liz’s parts got excited at his possessiveness over her. “They’re MY legs and I accidentally cut myself because you scared me.”

Max pulled his shirt up over his head and stepped in between her legs, and gently took the razor from her hand.

“What are you doing?” Liz watched him move the razor toward her legs.

“Helping.” Max thought it was obvious.

“Should I be trusting you with a sharp object?” Liz sassed him.

Max smirked at her in response. His eyes stood on her as he rested his palms on her thighs, above the shaving cream below her knees. Liz wouldn’t mind if they have sex right there, but it would make a mess. Although it was right next to the shower and they could probably barely both fit in there. Max’s eyes dropped and he gave her thighs a squeeze. He’s focused on her vag peeking through the large leg holes of her sleep boxers.

Luckily, she got that waxed after their time in the Crashdown bathroom so he shouldn’t have any snarky comments. His eyes lifted, heavy with need. Briefly, Liz swore he’s just going to drop to his knees and shove his face in between her thighs. The lights flicker a couple times in warning before he released his grip on her thighs and lifted her shaving cream leg. Max rested the sole of her foot against the center of his chest. Liz is very confused until he lifted the razor and headed toward her leg. She tried to pull her leg back but he held her ankle tightly.

“Don’t you trust me? I’d never hurt you, Liz” The look he gave her made her toes curl. He was so sexy. She was in so much trouble. “I’m good at shaving. I bet I do less damage than you did. And if I don’t, I’ll just heal it.”

“Ha. Ha. You think you’re so funny.” Liz teased him then gasped as he pressed a kiss to her bare ankle below the shaving cream. Then he touched the blade to her leg and skimmed away the cream. Liz willed herself to stay still.

He went over her shin first, then lifted her leg to get the back of it. “You’re flexible, huh?”

Liz laughed, embarrassed. “Just one of my hidden talents.”

“Seriously, it’s sexy.” Max made another pass with the razor. Once finished, he tossed it in the sink and held a washcloth under the warm water in the sink. He then ran it over her legs to wash away anything left over. The spot where she cut herself was suspiciously gone. “I think I did a good job.” Max pressed a kiss to her ankle.

“You did great. Thank you for not cutting me.” Liz meant it to be teasing but it came out all breathy. He lowered her leg and stepped between her legs. He was still wearing sweatpants so Liz could feel him there but they were separated by layers of clothing.

Max ran his hands through Liz’s long wavy hair and gently tilted her head back. She expected him to go straight to tongue fucking her but he surprised her by gently kissing the edge of her jaw, then her chin. It was sweet and unexpected.

Liz closed her eyes and waited for his lips to touch hers. She felt his breath gust across her face- it smelled like cinnamon. And then, she felt nothing. Liz’s eyes popped open to find he had dropped to his knees in between her legs. He pulled her forward until she was teetering on the edge of the cabinet. It creaked ominously and Liz hoped it was securely bolted to the wall.

Max bit the inside of her thigh and sucked hard. When she gasped, he released her skin. He inched his fingers forward to her hips to pull her shorts and panties off. He dropped them to the floor then he nuzzled into her inner thigh, his scruff tickling her sensitive skin. He stayed like that, breathing heavily between her legs like he’s trying to compose himself, Liz had no idea why he was just kneeling there but he looked hot and it was building anticipation.

Max dropped wet kisses up her thighs until he reached the spot that brought her the most pleasure. The first clit lick was tentative but the second involved him curling his tongue and sent shocks of pleasure through her body. Liz moaned loud- the acoustics in the bathroom were killer. Max’s eyes lifted to hers and then he started to suck on her clit. Liz can’t even imagine how much practice he has had to be able to do that.

“Not as much as you would think.” Max teased her, disengaging just long enough to reply.

“I said that outloud?” Liz makes a baffled face.

“No. I can read minds.” Liz squeezed her legs together in warning and Max laughed. “I’m surprised you haven’t come yet.”

“Well, if you would stop talking smack and start licking… oh!” Liz lost her train of thought when he started flat tonguing her. She pulled his hair and started moving him to the rhythm and places she needed him. He nipped her clit and that was it- she was falling into a multiple orgasm. Her muscles continue contracting like they’re looking for his dick which isn’t there.

“Feel better?” Max asked but he had to have already known.

“Uh huh. Now what about you?”

“Liz! You know it is only 8 and I can hear you right? It’s all echoy in there.” Isobel knocked on the door. She was thrilled they were back together but she didn’t need to hear that. “I’m not coming in, because gross, but I don’t need to hear my brother doing that. It is my brother right?”

Liz flushed red and Max laughed. “Of course it is. Hello Isobel.” Max was covered in Liz’s fluids so he wiped his face off on Isobel’s decorative bathroom towel then hung it up where it belonged.

“I can’t believe that just happened. Maybe we should be doing this at your place?” Liz was so embarrassed.

“Yes. Definitely do your fucking at Max’s house.” Isobel snarked.

“Isobel!” Max hissed and Isobel laughed before they heard her walking away. “Come here. I need a little something right here.” Max tapped his cheek. He had a tiny dimple there and Liz wanted to press it- with her tongue.

Liz came back over to him and kissed his cheek then his lips. “You’re ridiculous.”

“You like it.” Max was cocky.

——————————

The next day, towards the end of her shift, Liz’s phone buzzed with a message from Max.

Max: You want to come over and have a naked pillow fight after work?

Liz smiled. It sounded fun but she needed to toy with him a bit.

Liz: Is that a euphemism?

Max: Do you want it to be? I don’t know, we could order take out and hang out.

Liz was confused. Max was very clear that he wanted to be casual but that sounded like a date.

Liz: Since when do we hang out? I thought you said this was casual.

Max: Since now. Wear something easy to take off and come hungry. See you soon.

Liz bit her lip considering it and decided to go for it.

Liz: Ok. I get off in 20

Max: Yeah you will

——————————

“Oof!” Liz was hit with a throw pillow as she walked into Max’s house. “Hey! No fair. I don’t have a pillow.”

“You’re not naked either. We’ve all got to make sacrifices, Liz.” Max teased her, whacking her one more time with the pillow for good measure. “What are you craving for dinner? You choose.”

“What about Italian? Eggplant parmigiana sounds so good right now.” Liz’s mouth was watering just thinking about it.

“Great choice. I’ll order in from Bella’s.” Max pulled out a drawer full of take out menus and started looking for the one he wanted.

Max called the restaurant and ordered Liz’s eggplant and spaghetti and meatballs for himself. The second Max hung up with the restaurant after ordering, Max has Liz pressed against his living room bookshelves with her face in his hands. His mouth crashed down on hers and his tongue slipped into her mouth. He groaned, deep and needy. Tiny pleasure currents zip through Liz’s body. They made out while they waited for the food to arrive. It was simple,  but they finally had their first date.

[justheretobreakthings]

Baring Our Souls

Written for @gentronlegendaryfriendships Day 3 Prompt: Soulmate AU | Hand-Holding Word Count: 6,732 Characters: Keith & Pidge

Read on AO3

Keith was two and a half years old when his soulmark first appeared on his skin, too young for him to ever remember not having it. It was on his back, a narrow mark stretching between his shoulders: a deep green double helix that looked as if it were made of two criss-crossing vine, with wisps of red flame bordering it, smooth and shiny and almost golden when they reflected the light.

He had spent a lot of time in his early years on a stepstool at the bathroom counter with his dad’s shaving mirror in hand so he could look at the mark’s reflection. It was pretty, he had decided. And it was cooler than his dad’s, that pale purple gem that gleamed on his forearm.

He told him so over breakfast on morning when he was five, happily digging into his oatmeal as he explained his reasoning to his father. “Mine’s got fire on it,” he said between bites. “That makes me go fast. Yours doesn’t.”

“Your soulmark makes you go fast?” his dad said, raising a brow.

“Yeah. Like those cars that have fire on the side of them. They go faster than normal cars. That’s why I run so fast, ‘cause I’ve got a fast soulmark.”

His dad chuckled. “Well, who am I to argue with science like that? Come here, your soulmark’s making you eat so fast, you’re spilling.” Keith squirmed as he picked up a washcloth to wipe away the oatmeal that had dribbled onto his chin. “Still,” he continued, “Your mother thinks my soulmark is very cool. And that’s all that matters to me.”

“What kind of soulmark did Mom have?” Keith asked as his dad went back to his own seat.

“Hm? Keith, she has the same soulmark as I do.”

“Whoa,” Keith said. He paused to think that over, then asked, “Did she copy yours?”

His dad laughed again. “Keith, do you understand what a soulmark is?”

“Yeah,” said Keith. “It’s like a tattoo.”

“Well, okay, but do you know what soulmarks mean?”

Keith wrinkled his brow to think, then slowly shook his head.

“Huh,” said his dad. “Could’ve swarn I had explained it to you at some point. Ah, well. You see, Keith, soulmarks are used to show people who their soulmate is. If someone is your soulmate, they’ll have the same soulmark as you do.”

“What’s a soulmate?” Keith asked.

“A soulmate is… well, sort of like the love of your life. Someone who is perfect for you to form a lifelong bond with, so perfect for you that the universe makes sure that the two of you can find each other. Someone who – who’s a match for your heart. Who feels like home…”

His dad’s gaze had drifted over to the window to look up at the sky, and Keith turned in his chair to see what he was looking at, but didn’t see anything out of the ordinary. He turned back around, thinking nothing further of it. After all, his dad tended to stare at the sky a lot. “So Mom was your soulmate?” he asked.

“Yes,” his dad said with a nod. “She was. I guess you could call it love at first sight for us. From the moment we first met, we fell for – ”

“Ew,” Keith groaned, digging his spoon back into his oatmeal. “Dad, you better not talk about you and Mom being all kissy and gross.”

“It’s not gross,” his dad said, putting a hand over his heart in mock offense. “It’s being in love.”

“It’s all mushy,” Keith said. “I don’t wanna be in love.”

His dad smirked. “I think a lot of kids feel that way at your age. Once you grow up and meet your soulmate, I think you’ll find yourself thinking a little differently.”

“Not me,” Keith said firmly. “I’m never falling in love.”

His dad stood to pick up their now empty bowls. “Whatever you say, bud,” he said, winking at Keith before ruffling his hair and heading into the kitchen.

--------------------------------------------

That was the first that Keith had learned of the concept of soulmates as couples, and less than a year later, when he was enrolled in kindergarten and thus surrounded by a lot more people than he ever had been, he found it amazing that he hadn’t figured that out beforehand. He hadn’t paid much attention to soulmarks before, but when he actually focused on them, he could see them on couples everywhere, on parents who came together to pick up their kids, on pairs in the diner where his dad would take him to eat lunch on Fridays to celebrate a completed week, a matched set on the music teacher and one of the cafeteria workers.

And as he grew older, the soulmark pairs stopped being limited to the adults around him. When he was nine, a boy his own age was placed in the same group home as himself and discovered that the boy he was sharing a bunkbed with had the same lightning design on his hand as he did. The two of them immediately took to holding hands everywhere they went. ‘Puppy love’, the supervisor called it. And in fourth grade, a girl in his class showed up one morning squealing to her friends and anyone else who would listen about how she had met her penpal in person for the first time, and discovered that the pattern around her eye, the one that looked like a mosaic of a sun, was a perfect match for his.

The young matchups were rare, but it seemed that by middle school, pretty much everyone was clamoring to find their soulmates. His classmates were constantly imagining and discussing traits they wanted their soulmate to have, celebrities they hoped their soulmate would look like. People began pairing off into couples, dating each other as ‘practice’ for when they met their soulmate.

And through it all, Keith watched on, feeling more and more like a spectator of a strange sport. Perhaps it was just because he was too focused on other things, in life, he figured. Or maybe he just hadn’t had his romantic awakening yet. A good number of his classmates had only really taken an interest in dating once puberty hit, and sure, he had reached that stage too, but maybe there was just some sort of delay. Maybe the health teacher who had given them a crash course on sex was right, and one day he would start looking at the people around him in a brand new light, have feelings toward them that he’d never experienced before. Maybe he just had to wait it out.

So he waited. And waited. And waited.

The change didn’t come. And he became increasingly nervous, watching and listening to people pair up and fantasize about falling head over heels for their soulmate. He didn’t want that. He didn’t want the things that everyone else anticipated so eagerly. But it seemed like an inevitability, that once you meet your soulmate, you’re on the fast track to love and romance and marriage. That’s what people wanted. The dating they did in the meantime was just a temporary fix until they could get the real thing.

The first exception he could remember seeing was after he had become a student at the Galaxy Garrison. It was also the first time he saw Shiro’s fiance Adam in a short-sleeve shirt instead of his usual Garrison uniform, and noticed the lack of the cloud of purple and silver stars that spread across his right bicep.

“People don’t have to marry their soulmate,” Shiro explained when Keith asked about it, blurted out the question in a lull during a study session at the kitchen counter in Shiro’s apartment. “Soulmates don’t always have to be romantic.”

“They don’t?” Keith asked.

“Nah. Sometimes a soulmate is more like… like a best friend.”

“I’ve never seen that before.”

“Well… I guess people do tend to, ah, develop romantic feelings for their soulmate. It’s only natural, I suppose. If someone’s the one that you have a destined bond to be close to for your whole lives - it’s a pretty romantic concept, really.”

Keith chewed his lip, frowning as he thought it over. “... Shiro?” he said softly.

“Mm-hm?”

“I don’t want to marry my soulmate.”

Shiro let out a little chuckle. “Ah, I see. You’ve got your eye on someone else, huh? Is it that girl in your flight class you were working on that paper with last week, the one with the freckles? She seemed cute, I can see why - ”

“No!” Keith snapped, feeling his face heat up. “No, god, Shiro! That’s not it! I haven’t - it’s not like that, I don’t like someone else, I - it isn’t just that I don’t want to marry my soulmate. I don’t want to marry anyone.”

Again Shiro smiled. “Keith, you don’t need to feel like that. Just because you haven’t met someone so far who you’d want to marry doesn’t mean that you can’t still meet the right - ”

“That’s not the problem!” Keith all but yelled. Immediately Shiro’s smile fell, and Keith’s eyes widened. He leaned away from Shiro. “I - I’m - I’m sorry,” he stammered. “I didn’t mean to - didn’t mean to shout at you, I - I swear, I just - I just - I’m just frustrated and - and - I’m sorry, Shiro, I’m - ”

“Whoa, whoa, hey.” Shiro lifted his hand, and Keith flinched away, before realizing that all he was doing was laying the hand on his shoulder. “It’s all right, kiddo, deep breaths.” Keith obediently took the deep breaths, trying to calm down, to relax, to rein in his temper like he was supposed to. “Can you explain why you’re frustrated? What is the problem?”

Keith took another deep breath. “It’s - it’s just - ” He fumbled for words, trying to find the right ones to explain, but that wasn’t easy when he still didn’t quite understand it himself. “I don’t - I don’t get it. The whole thing - the whole appeal behind all the - the dating and marriage and romance and stuff. You and Adam, and, and people in class who are dating each other, and just - just couples, couples as a whole, you all have this - these sort of rules that you follow, like, there’s a way you talk to each other and act around each other and look at each other, and, I mean, you know, things you do with each other that - that people say, you know, you want to be this way with the person you love. And it seems like it’s so natural to everyone, but - but it just seems - to me it just seems like - like it’d be so exhausting, and awkward, and - and contrived, and I feel like if I tried to be that way with someone, even if - even if they’re my soulmate… it would be like putting on a show. A really weird, intimate play where the dialogue’s all in a language I don’t speak.”

He cleared his throat and crossed his arms tightly over his chest, eyes on his feet as they dangled from the stool. “It - it all just feels weird,” he finished softly, weakly. “I don’t want it. I don’t… I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but… there it is.”

There was silence between them for a long moment before he felt a hand on Shiro’s shoulder, and he looked up to see the older boy’s expression serious and sympathetic. “There isn’t anything wrong with you, Keith,” he said.

“But – ”

“No, no, let me finish,” Shiro said, holding up his other hand. “I shouldn’t have started teasing you about this. It’s okay to not want this sort of thing, and it’s not something you have to worry about. Because your soulmate will understand.”

Keith was skeptical, and it must have shown on his face, because Shiro sighed. “Look, Keith, like I said, a soulmate doesn’t have to be romantic. I’m betting that my soulmate isn’t going to be a romantic one, and that’s okay. I want to marry Adam, even though we’re not soulmates. So maybe my soulmate is going to be someone who’s like a brother to me, or a really close friend, or, I dunno, a partner in crime.” He grinned at Keith, but when Keith didn’t return the grin, he became serious again. “This isn’t something you need to worry about, Keith. The universe – it knows what it’s doing. It wouldn’t match you with a soulmate who’s not perfectly okay with finding sex and romance elsewhere if they need it.”

“Yeah. I guess,” Keith said, although he wasn’t sure that this actually made him feel better. It was a bit of a relief to know that he wouldn’t have to marry his soulmate, but the thought of his hypothetical soulmate needing someone else to fill a gap that Keith left… well, it didn’t feel great.

And when Shiro and Adam’s relationship hit a snag it couldn’t overcome and they broke off their engagement, it just felt even worse. Because here was his proof that it wouldn’t work out. That people who weren’t soulmates just couldn’t make it work. That his soulmate was going to be stuck with him.

He felt guilty. He was keeping someone from getting to have these things that everyone seemed to find so special and vital. Some soulmate he was.

--------------------------------------------

If there was one positive to all the tragedy that came out of the Kerberos disaster and his expulsion from the Garrison, it was that Keith finally got removed enough from people that unhappy thoughts about his soulmate didn’t weigh him down. He gave little thought to his soulmark during the year he spent in the desert. It was easier to forget about the whole soulmate problem when he was on his own, just him and the desert, no couples around and no soulmarks in his vision save for the few he’d see when he made his occasional supply runs to town.

It was a nice change of pace, on the one hand, getting away from all of that.

But, admittedly, it was a lonely life too.

Oh well. If his only two options were a life of loneliness and a life of romance, the former seemed the more tolerable of the two.

But after the whirlwind during which Shiro had crashed back to Earth and he’d gone on the lam with a group of barely-familiar Garrison students and gotten shot out into the far reaches of outer space by a giant blue robotic lion and they began their new lives as intergalactic warriors aboard an alien castle, the topic arrived in his life once again.

Thinking about it was pretty much unavoidable right from the moment they had entered the castle ship and met the Alteans, where they found that Allura, the princess, had a chain of tiny, pale blue flowers stretching over the bridge of her nose and across her cheeks, a precise match to the one on the face of Lance, one of the students who had become a paladin alongside him.

In the beginning, of course, they had been mostly focused on their own soulmark situation, Lance being utterly delighted at having found his soulmate and Allura being more or less mystified by the universe’s selection. After a few days on the castle, though, it was natural that there would be curiosity. Allura was the one who brought it up over dinner.

“Lance’s is the only soulmark I’ve seen out of the paladins so far,” she pointed out. “I know some people prefer to keep theirs private, of course, but I couldn’t help but wonder, if you don’t think it too forward of me…”

“It’s not too forward, don’t worry,” Shiro said with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “In my case, it’s not that I want to keep it hidden or anything. It’s just that, well - ” He sighed and gestured to his prosthetic arm with a wave of his human hand. “I don’t really have mine anymore.”

Allura stammered out a stunned apology over Shiro’s assurances that it was perfectly all right, and Keith kept his attention on his plate all the while. He couldn’t help but feel an inkling of guilt somewhere in his gut; here he was hating his own soulmark and dreading what it meant for him and hiding it away, while Shiro, who had always seemed rather proud of his own soulmark, didn’t even have one anymore thanks to the Galra. Old echoes from homes of the past - scolding him for being ungrateful and insensitive and selfish - wormed their way into his ears.

Hunk was the one to save the mood. “Well, mine’s still around. Just kind of in an inconvenient spot, I guess.” He hefted his right foot onto the chair next to him, removed his boot and rolled up his pant leg, and lifted his leg to show the gold and white that spiraled around the lower half of his ankle like a sandstorm. “Can’t see it when I’m wearing long pants or boots, but those are more comfortable, so, well.” He shrugged. “That’s mine, anyway.”

“I always liked yours, it suits you,” Lance remarked as Hunk lowered his leg and started putting his boot back on. “Never saw yours, though, Pidge. Is yours in a weird spot too?”

“Yep,” Pidge said flatly before scooping a sporkful of food goo into her mouth.

“Where is it?”

Pidge took a moment to chew and swallow before answering, “On my ass.”

“Oh, come on, no it’s not,” Lance said, rolling his eyes. “Seriously, where’s your soulmark?”

“Lance, if she doesn’t want to share, she doesn’t have to,” Keith said, finally joining in on the conversation. He had wanted to stay out of it, to make sure the focus of the conversation never shifted toward him, but he knew that having to share a soulmark could be uncomfortable, and Pidge’s expression did seem grateful after he spoke up.

“Well, what’s your soulmark, Mullet?” said Lance. “Notice you haven’t shared yet either.”

“It’s – um – ” he stammered.

“You can only see Keith’s in an x-ray,” Pidge said. “It’s carved into one of his ribs instead of his skin. It’s a picture of a giant lion taking a dump on Lance’s head.”

“You guys suck,” Lance groaned as Keith snorted.

--------------------------------------------

“Hey, Pidge?” Keith said, knocking on the doorframe of Pidge’s open door. “Can, uh, can we… can we talk about – ?”

“Yeah,” Pidge interrupted him, not looking up from her laptop, the only light in her otherwise darkened room. “Come on in, don’t step on anything important.”

Keith nodded and entered, sidestepping the laundry and computer equipment scattered across the floor – it was amazing how Pidge had made her room so messy in such a short amount of time – to set down on the bed next to her. He hesitated, not sure how to start talking. This was… awkward. Things had been awkward for the last couple of days, ever since Keith had blown up at her when she was planning to leave Voltron in order to search for her family.

The guilt had been eating away at him. He hadn’t really gotten close yet to any of his teammates besides Shiro, but out of all of him, Pidge was probably the one he got along with the easiest. Hunk was sweet, but very talkative and somewhat boisterous and constantly tense, which made him tiring to spend a lot of time with, while Lance was… Lance. Pidge, though, was the more introverted of the lot, could be as reckless in battles or training as Keith was, and had a smart, dry sense of humor that Keith appreciated. He didn’t mind being around her, even kind of enjoyed it. And the last thing he wanted to do was let his hotheadedness ruin that.

“Listen, I, um,” he started. “I – I wanted to apologize. To say sorry for – for the things I – like, it wasn’t selfish for you to want to find your family, that was – ”

“Keith,” Pidge cut him off, finally turning away from her laptop screen to look at him. “It’s okay.”

“It’s not okay, I was totally – ”

“Yeah, you were totally being an ass about the whole thing, but, you know.” She shrugged. “I forgive you. Like, I get where you were coming from. I hadn’t thought it through as thoroughly as I pretended, and I guess – I guess I hadn’t thought that, well, we’re a team, and that’s supposed to be, like…”

She sighed and rested her chin on her hand. “Hey, Keith, you know, I’ve – I’ve talked to Shiro a lot, lately. Because he knows Matt and Dad real well. But we don’t always talk just about them. We talk about – we talk about lots of stuff, and, uh, he’s actually told me a bit about you.”

Keith’s brows shot up. “About me?”

“Yeah. Nothing bad, and nothing too personal,” she added. “Just, like, how you guys met, and why he took you under his wing.”

“…Oh.”

“And, um.” Pidge cleared her throat. “Anyway, I get why you were – it seemed that Shiro had really put a lot of effort into trying to teach you that it’s okay to get attached to people, and so for a teammate to up and try to leave, well… I can get why that kinda riled you up.”

Keith said nothing, just nodded dumbly, watching Pidge’s face. She seemed perfectly genuine, which came as a surprise. He was the one who had blown up, and he was trying to take responsibility for that. Pidge being so accomodating wasn’t in the plan. “Well, uh, still,” he said. “I really am – ”

“You’re sorry. I know.” Pidge gave him a small smile. “Tell you what. On the next chore rotation where I’m assigned bathroom duty, you swap with me, okay? We’ll call it even.”

Keith couldn’t help but let out a breath of laughter. “All right, deal.” He stretched out his arms. “Sorry if I interrupted anything. I can head out.”

“Nah, you’re fine,” Pidge said. “It’s compiling right now, so I’m just sitting around waiting. If you’ve got any way to keep me entertained, go for it.”

“Keep you entertained?”

“Yeah, sure. Go on, tell me a joke.”

“Um… Knock knock.”

“…On second thought, maybe you’re better as quiet company.”

“Sorry,” Keith said.

“’S’alright,” Pidge grunted. “Here, lemme – one sec – ” She scooted over so that she was in Keith’s lap, then sank down and nestled up against him. “Matt sometimes does this when I just… want someone around, but don’t wanna talk. He’s a pretty good pillow, and you’re pretty close to his size… This okay?”

“Yeah,” Keith said, resting his chin on top of Pidge’s head. “This is okay.”

--------------------------------------------

Their introverted bonding time slowly became a regular thing. Neither of them was really conscious of it happening. They didn’t mean to go out of their way to spend time with each other. It was just easy, when they needed quiet company, to seek each other out, with a book or tablet or computer or snack, and be in the same space. Sometimes they chatted; they had a lot in common, it turned out, aside from having both lost their older brothers in Kerberos. They discovered that they both were dog people, they both liked card games, they both thought that Lance’s jokes were terrible, they both hated haircuts and clothes shopping, neither of them could roll their tongue. Keith couldn’t even remember how those topics came up.

Other times, they just sat in silence together, occasionally for hours at a time, only interrupted by the sounds of Keith adjusting his posture or Pidge’s fingers clacking against her keyboard. It was pleasant, peaceful, and Keith even found himself looking forward to those times.

And they kept them going until the day of the Trial of Marmora.

Keith had let Shiro be the one to explain the news of his heritage to the rest of the team, partly because he was just too exhausted and sore, partly because he didn’t think he would be able to find the right words even if he wasn’t. And as the team was gathered for a strategy meeting after the revelation, Keith was barely holding himself together, and looked it too, at least enough for Shiro to take notice.

“Keith?” Shiro said, giving him a gentle nudge with his elbow. “You holding up okay?”

Keith nodded with a soft, “Yeah,” right before his legs gave out under him and he collapsed against Shiro. Through a wave of dizziness Keith heard Shiro urgently call his name and hasten to grip him and hold him up. His human arm jostled the injured shoulder, causing Keith to grimace and let out an involuntary groan.

Allura stopped in the middle of whatever she was saying at the noise to shoot him a glare for interrupting. “What’s going on with him?”

Shiro cast Keith a worried look that was blurring in Keith’s vision before turning back to the princess. “I think we need to take Keith to the med bay,” he said.

“Can it not wait until we’re finished with our discussion?” Allura asked sharply. “He’s been holding up fine up until this moment.”

Shiro met her glare evenly. “No, it can’t wait. Really, we should’ve gotten him first aid the moment we got back to the castle. We’ve already waited long enough.”

Allura sighed. “Fine. Coran, get a pod set up for him. Shiro, go ahead and get him set up for the cryopod, but come right back here once he’s readied, got it?”

Coran hurried on ahead, and Shiro nodded as he adjusted his grip on Keith so that his arm went around his back to support him. “Can you walk okay?”

“I, uh…” Keith said. He tested with one wobbly step, and found himself immediately off-balance, leaning out away from Shiro so that the latter had to hastily grab him at his waist to keep him upright, agitating the bruises there.

“Here, I can help.” Suddenly he was being supported on that side to, Pidge’s much smaller figure having slipped around to help balance him. The height disparity between her and Shiro meant that Keith was distinctly lopsided, but it was serviceable for just walking to the med bay.

“Wait,” Keith said, pulling away from Coran’s hand. “I really don’t - ”

“Don’t worry, Keith, you won’t be in there long,” Coran said. “Nasty looking cut you’ve got there, but we’ll make quick work of it. You’ll be in and out in a jiffy.”

“You don’t need to look at my shoulder, though. The pod will do all the work.”

Coran barked out a laugh, more out of surprise than humor. “I need to get a good look at the wound so I can input it into the cryopod. Fully autonomous artificial intelligence medical work is still just a bit beyond our reach, even for Alteans.” He snapped his fingers impatiently at Keith. “Come now, lad, now’s not the time to be stubborn.”

“Need me to hold him down while you strip him, Coran?” Pidge asked, and Keith lurched away from her, aghast.

“No one is stripping anybody,” Shiro said.

“Quite right,” Coran said with a nod. “We just need to examine the shoulder, Keith, then you can change into the cryosuit in privacy.”

“But - ”

“Keith,” Shiro cut him off, voice not angry, but stern.

Keith turned desperately toward him, brow raised as he flicked his eyes toward his back and then to Shiro again. Shiro in his turn let his face soften, apologetic, but still lifted his shoulders in resignation.

Keith bit back a sigh. Their silent conversations were clear enough to him. Yes, Shiro understood why Keith didn’t want his shoulderblade exposed, but he wasn’t letting Keith off the hook for this. He was going to have show it.

Slumping in defeat, he slowly reached his good arm to his back to pull down the zipper of his flight suit. He shrugged the material off so that the top half of his torso was exposed and glanced toward the shoulder now laid bare. He grimaced. The cut looked deeper than he had expected, and the sight of the dark red pooling in the cut and smudged across his shoulder had renewed the pain of the injury; he had to fight not to groan against the ache that flared up.

“You’re about the same size and weight as Lance,” Coran said, “So we can use his settings as a baseline, but of course I’ll have to make some adjustments; the pod shouldn’t be giving you precisely the same dosages and treatments, since you’re, ah - a different - a different, er - ”

“Right,” Keith cut off his stammering. The settings for him would be different because he was a different species. Because he was Galra. They didn’t have to say it out loud.

At least Coran’s reaction to the news was, as far as Keith could tell, merely awkwardness, rather than the cold hostility he had seen grow on Allura’s face as his experience in the Trials of Marmora was explained. And Shiro was still there, at his side, supporting him despite everything. As for the others, well, they had simply seemed stunned. He would probably have to wait for the news to sink in for everyone before he could gauge how they all felt about him.

He couldn’t help but glance toward Pidge, though. She had helped him down to the med room; surely she wasn’t too angry with him, right?

His heart and hopes sank when he really looked at her face for the first time since returning to the castle.

Pidge had backed away, and was staring at him, her eyes wide as scaultrite lenses, her face pale, and Keith knew it was too much to hope that Pidge would be okay with this. Coran bringing up how his Galra side would affect him in the pods must have somehow been what really made it sink in for Pidge: that Keith, the teammate she had come to call a friend, was part of the empire they were at war with, was a part of the people who had captured and imprisoned her brother and father.

Keith wasn’t the one who had taken Pidge’s family from her, but he still felt like he had a part in the responsibility. And Pidge must have felt the same.

Which is why he didn’t hold it against her when, without another word to Keith, she turned and fled from the med bay.

--------------------------------------------

Keith missed spending time with Pidge, but he didn’t blame her. He liked to think that if the roles were reversed, if she were the one who was Galra, he wouldn’t have reacted this way. He wouldn’t have suddenly started keeping his distance from Pidge, wouldn’t have taken pains to avoid being alone in the same room with her, wouldn’t have constantly avoided eye contact with her. Wouldn’t have done the things that Pidge did in the following days.

But the roles were not reversed, so he supposed he couldn’t say for sure. In any case, there was nothing he could do but suck it up and move on. The way he always did.

The tension and silence between them stayed until the night they were expected to spend a formal dinner with the royal family from a planet that Voltron had recently saved from a Galra raid, and it was a rare occasion where their paladin armor wouldn’t cut it. Instead, they wound up decked out in Altean evening wear, Keith and the other male paladins in bizarre suits and capes that made Keith feel like he had been given the costumes for characters from three different films, all set in wildly different time periods and at least one which was being particularly experimental with color, all combined into a single outfit.

Allura was in one of her more elaborate dresses, puffy and featuring several layers of skirts, and had given Pidge an old dress of hers that she had since outgrown to wear. They were getting ready with plenty of time to spare before the dinner, so Coran could make adjustments to the outfits and fix everyone’s hair (or, almost everyone; Keith wouldn’t let him anywhere near his head with that smelly styling goop of his), so there was a lot of waiting around idly to do. And that’s what Keith was doing when Pidge emerged on the bridge in Allura’s dress, wobbling in her formal shoes and looking utterly miserable.

“Pidge, what is that you’re wearing?” Allura said, dropping Hunk’s cuff that she’d been helping to button in order to go to her.

“The dress you gave me.”

Allura huffed. “Yes, I know that. I meant the shawl.”

Pidge reached a hand up to the thick length of fabric she had wrapped over her shoulders. “Oh, that. Well, uh, you know. This dress is strapless, and I get chilly, so, wanted to have something to cover up. It was in your closet. A shawl can still be formal, right?”

“That’s not the problem. That color does not match the dress at all.”

“Oh.” Pidge frowned down at the shawl. “You sure? Looks fine to me.”

Allura sighed. “I’m sure. You can still wear a shawl, Pidge, but let me get one that actually matches. Here give that one back.”

“No, Allura, wait!” Pidge said, stepping back, but Allura was too quick, grabbing the end of the shawl and whipping it off of Pidge’s shoulders in a single swift motion. Pidge turned around hastily, turning her back away from Keith’s line of sight, but it was too late.

He had already seen it.

A glimpse of the back of her shoulder, where two green vines intertwined, bordered by ruby red flame.

Her soulmark.

His soulmark.

Any other chatter on the bridge became white noise, all turning to static in Keith’s head as he felt his blood race in his veins. His knees suddenly felt weak, like his body had become too heavy for them to support, and his vision was beginning to blur.

He needed to lie down. He needed to get a hold of himself.

Without another thought he hurried out of the bridge. He was pretty sure someone called his name and asked where he was going, but he ignored them and simply let his feet take him to his room on autopilot. Once there, he collapsed against the door that closed behind him, shaking.

He didn’t have much time to collect himself before a knock came at the door against his breath.

With a deep breath, he opened it, and just as expected, Pidge was the one standing outside it, fist raised and poised to knock again, looking as uncomfortable as he had ever seen her. For several seconds they just stared at each other, then they both spoke at once.

“Listen - ” he said at the same time that Pidge said, “We need to talk.”

Keith closed his mouth and nodded toward the bed, where Pidge took a seat. She was careful in the borrowed dress, and Keith found himself leaning forward, angling himself so he wouldn’t accidentally catch a glimpse of those shining red leaves or dark vines. Her soulmark. His soulmark.

“Look, Keith, I - ” Pidge started, then hesitated. Her mouth kept moving a bit for a moment, trying to form new words, but when none came out, she sighed and dropped her head.

So Keith started the conversation for her. “Is this why you’ve been avoiding me?” he asked. “Because of the mark?”

Pidge nodded slowly. “When your shoulder got injured after that Trial of Marmora thing. First time I saw it.”

Keith wasn’t sure how to feel about that, but he certainly didn’t feel great. On the one hand, of course, it meant that his initial assumption had been wrong. Pidge didn’t hate him for his blood. She hadn’t distanced herself from him because he was Galra, and she wasn’t upset with him about belonging to the same alien race that had taken her father and brother from her.

On the other hand, though, this was one of his worst fears realized. That someone would find out that they were stuck with him as a soulmate, and wouldn’t want him. That horrified look on Pidge’s face that day in the med bay, the way she had been distancing herself from him ever since seeing his soulmark.

He couldn’t blame her for it. He wasn’t exactly soulmate material, and Pidge didn’t even know yet about the things that Keith couldn’t give her. And now the bond they’d been growing - that comfort in Pidge’s presence, the feeling that she could practically be his sister - it was dashed to pieces.

All because of that stupid, stupid mark.

His stomach roiled as he looked down at his feet. “I – I get it,” he muttered. “I get why you’re upset. You deserve a soulmate who – who isn’t – who can – ”

Pidge cut him off, not with words, but by placing her hand on his knee, and he fell quiet as he stared down at it. “No, Keith, it’s not you,” she said. “There’s nothing – it’s not like – ” She sighed. “It’s not you, it’s me. And I know that’s, like, a total cliché sort of break-up line, but, um, see, it’s just – ”

She took a deep breath. “Suppose I’ll just come right out and say it. I’m aroace.”

Keith blinked up at her, baffled, so she went on. “I’m – it’s short for ‘aromantic asexual’, and it means that I don’t, um, I don’t experience attraction to other people. At least not romantic or sexual attraction. And for the most part, you know, that’s not a problem, but with the whole soulmark thing, I – I, um – I always knew that there would be someone out there who felt that way about me, and I knew that I wouldn’t – I wouldn’t be able to feel it back.

“And I know, I know I should have come to you when I saw your soulmark and explained, but – but that wouldn’t be – it isn’t fair to you.” Her voice crackled and her chin began to wobble. “And I liked the way we were, before. It was kind of like – like having a brother around again. And I didn’t want to ruin that. And if you found out that you and I had the same soulmark, it would be ruined, so – so I just kind of… I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I know that this means you kind of got a shitty deal when it comes to soulmates, and you, uh, you can do what you want with this information, but I can’t – I can’t feel that way toward you. I can’t see you that way. I’ve been trying, the last couple of days, to think things over, try to… try to think… but I… can’t. Like I said, it’s not you.” She let out a little hiccough and wiped at her eyes.

For several seconds that seemed to drag on for hours, Keith simply stared at her, dumbfounded. He could feel the cogs in his brain smoke from the friction as they worked overtime to fully comprehend what she had just told him.

Then, as much to his own surprise as it was to hers, he started to laugh.

It wasn’t his normal laugh, the somewhat throaty chuckle he broke out on special occasions. It was higher, wilder. Hysterical. All this time, all this time he had spent so worried about his soulmate, worried that he wouldn’t be enough, that they would be looking for different things, that fate had made a mistake with him or that he was broken or that his soulmate would resent him for how he felt and how he loved. And all this time, he needn’t have worried.

He had never been so happy to be so wrong.

“Keith?” Pidge said. “What are you – ?”

Before he could stop himself, he was pulling her into a hug, letting his tears of laughter fall onto her shoulder as she awkwardly returned it.

“Me too,” he said.

Perhaps the universe knew what it was doing after all.

[buckysforeverprincess]

What Do You Want From Me? Ch 9

Lance Tucker x Reader

Words: 1873

Warnings: Sickness

A/N: Some more Lance/reader interaction. What could possibly be going on with these two?

You were sitting in a coffee shop, sipping on a cold caramel frappe, waiting on your two thirty interview. After your last interaction with Lance, you contacted his agent/manager and told her you were resigning. She asked you if you would interview and hire a new PA for Lance since you knew the demands of the job and were the best person to find the right fit for his personality. You agreed with the condition of no contact from Lance until you made the decision to hire. That was two weeks ago and so far, you hadn’t had any luck.

Reading over the resume again and waiting for Hailey to arrive, you were surprised when someone who was not Hailey pulls out the chair in front of you and sits down. Giving said person your best resting bitch face, you glared hard at them.

“I'm sorry.” Claire says, giving you her best frown.

“For what? For not telling me the entire story about Jase? Or could it be forgetting to mention that he's a dominant?” You ask her coldly.

“Both. I should have told you he was the governors nephew from the start. But would it have changed your mind?” She questions you.

“It could have been a deal breaker. Being with him brings a lot of unwanted attention…not something I’m too fond of.” You take a sip of the frappe. Ugh, this is so gross cold.

“How's it going with him anyway? You haven't updated me. The sex as good as I've heard?” She has always been a thirsty bitch.

“Wouldn't know. I asked if we could take it slow, given the revelation of him being a Dom, and everyone wanting a piece of him!” God, she's irritating.

“I thought you'd be ok with that. I mean, you've worked for Lance...all you do with him is submit.”

Oh, she's done it now!  

“Seriously, Claire?!! What the fuck does that even mean?!” Your raised voice grabbing the attention of some of the patrons.

“Shhh! It just means you have to be a little submissive to have worked for him for so long. He's no easy task.” She says softly, trying to avert the stares you were now receiving.

Maybe she's right. Maybe on some level you were a submissive, but definitely in not a ‘yes, master’ way.

“Claire, I know you're trying to help, and I won't deny that I need to get on with my life, but don't you think I should do it on my terms? When I'm ready? This whole thing with Lance has really put a strain on me and-”

“You slept with him!”

Absolutely did I not just give that away!

“I…didn't say that.” Who the fuck are these people I surrounded myself with?

“You didn't have too!”

I'm pretty sure I gave nothing away.

Claire sits back in the chair and crosses her arms, “then answer the question. Did you sleep with Lance Tucker? And because I know you so well, if you stay silent or deflect, I'll automatically know you did.”

To do list: drop Claire as a friend, effective immediately!

“Why does it matter? Lance is in my past. See?” You hold up the resumes in your hand.

“God, I honestly hate that man! I can't believe he finally got to you!”

Well, that's a curiously odd statement to make.  

“Claire. I'm moving on. I promise. Please, no more talk of Lance, or Jase, or anything that has to do with sex. Actually, let's not talk. My interview should be here any second, and I think you should go.”

She glares at you, but knows you have work to do. “Fine. Text me later! Love you!” Claire gets up and leaves the coffee shop.

Thank fuck! You’re not sure how much more of her you could take.

 A few short moments pass when someone else is standing in front of you. “Hi…are you Y/N?”

You look at the girl and smile. “I am, are you Hailey?” She gives a shy smile and confirms her identity. You look at your phone and notice she's ten minutes late and offers no apology for her tardiness. She's also a cute, young blonde, which is exactly Lance’s type. Sorry Hailey, no rose for you. “Shall we get started?”

Two weeks later, you were able to find someone to replace you as Lance’s PA. You contacted his agent to send her the resume and job application to run the usual checks. Mindy was going to do well with Lance, and you couldn't be happier with your choice.  

The only problem now, was making contact with Lance. You told his agent you would see Lance to give him his keys and the details on Mindy. Also, on her first day of work you would accompany her to give her the basics and lay of his house. Lance will take one look at her and will scream to the heavens. You’d be there to make sure she stayed.

You had sent a text to Lance to work out a time to meet him. He answered back and had agreed on nine am the next morning. Obviously the sooner the better.

When you woke up the next morning, you weren't feeling well. Maybe it was just nerves from seeing him again or could it be from the finality of it all? Three years of being Lance’s whipping post is about to come to an end. Definitely a good reason to not feel well.

Grabbing a muffin and a coffee on the way to his house sounded like a good idea. Hopefully the caffeine will get rid of this fucking migraine, you thought as you went inside the little coffee house you frequented.  

Opening the door, the harsh smells of the coffee beans made your stomach want to regurgitate, and you felt overcome with nausea. Great! Stomach bug. I don't have time for this today. You slowly made your way to the counter, ordered your banana chocolate muffin and Carmel latte, and rushed out the door, deciding the coffee house was off limits until you were over the bug.

Pulling into the driveway, the clock read seven minutes before nine. Sometimes you hated being punctual. You looked at the half-eaten muffin in disgust and threw it back in the bag. It tasted horrible and the coffee was too sweet. Fucking newbies! Lance better have coffee ready

You walked into his house and a feeling of nostalgia took over. Three years was a long time to walk away from. You'd miss this place but couldn't do this anymore. The broken heart would heal but seeing his face daily while it healed wouldn't help. This was for the best... you just had to make yourself believe it.

“Hi.” Lance says but doesn't smile.

“Coffee!” Your excitement for the dark substance made Lance chuckle. He opens the refrigerator and pulls out a bottle of your favorite hazelnut creamer and places it next to the coffee maker.

“It's fresh…figured you'd want some. Uh, I can make you breakfast? If you're hungry, that is?” You start to pour the coffee into a mug.

“No thanks, I had half a muffin from the coffee house. Tasted like ass! Mmmmm!”

The moan you let out is illicit, but Lance’s coffee is so good. He only buys the expensive shit, in the rare case he entertains guests and as of today…that’s what you were.

“How've you been?” Lance asks you, and you're not sure if you're ready for this yet. Not enough coffee for a conversation that may need you to be on your toes.

“Good, I've been good. How about you?” You direct the question back to Lance.

“I'm ok. So...I... uh, I wanted to apologize for my behavior at the charity event. I'm really sorry.” Lance genuinely looks apologetic.

You think back to that night and realize you may have been a little harsh to him as well. “Since you said sorry, I should as well. When I ran into you, I said some things that were pretty awful, and you didn't deserve that. I'm sorry. In my anger, I attacked you. I wanted you to hurt like I did. I shouldn't have let it get the best of me, so I apologize for my own actions.”

Lance leans on his counter. God, he looks good! Why am I still conflicted about everything?

Maybe it's because he's being so sweet right now, you just want to hug the shit out of this man.

“Oh…I just remembered….’future wife’ huh? Do I detect a hint of jealousy?” You ask him, assuring yourself he'd play it off.

Lance walks over and stands in front of you, “I meant it. It may have come out in a fit of anger, but I meant it.” Lance leans down to your ear whispering, “I refuse to believe this is the end of us!” He kisses your cheek and backs away.

Who is this man? You ask yourself totally shocked at his statement. If you were one hundred percent honest with yourself, this is what you've always wanted. This is not the Lance Tucker you've grown accustomed too. Where the hell is the Lance you knew?

“So, you have stuff for me?” Lance is staring at you with a smile.

“Yes!” You come out of your state of shock. You grab the file you brought with you and start going over the details of his new PA, Mindy. Lance is actually paying attention for once and not interrupting. Subject displays abnormal behavior. Further treatment and evaluation is recommended before giving final analysis.

“Do you have any quest-” was all you got out before bolting to his bathroom.

“Y/N? You ok?” Lance runs after you and finds you in the bathroom vomiting up the awful muffin.

“Lance…please...go!” Panting between heaves, but he's having none of it.

He grabs your hair from your face and rubs your back, whispering something to you that you can't make out. When you feel you've finished, he grabs a warm washcloth and gently wipes down your face, cleaning you up. You feel too weak to fight him off, the vomiting taking a toll on you and all you want to do is take a nap.  

“Can you walk?” Instead of answering him, you just close your eyes and relax in the floor. “Nope, not here!” Lance gets to his feet, puts his arms around you and scoops you up bridal style off the floor. He takes you to his room and places you on the bed and under his covers. Lances leaves long enough to get you some apple juice and a bottle of water.

“Beautiful, can you sit up?”

You do so, and Lance hands you the juice, which you gladly take a drink of. “Thank you, but I should go…”

“No, you should rest, and when you wake…they'll be soup waiting.” He smiles at you.

“Chicken noodle…from the deli?” Hoping he knows they have the best chicken noodle soup ever!

“Is there any other kind? Now rest.” Lance leans down and kisses your forehead before he stands to leave the room.

“Lance…” You say right before he exits the room, making him stop and turn around. “Thank you...for that. You didn't have too.”

 Lance gives you a genuine smile. “I'd do anything for you.”

[thedarkrose17]

Chapters: 3/? Fandom: Final Fantasy XV Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Prompto Argentum/Noctis Lucis Caelum Characters: Prompto Argentum, Noctis Lucis Caelum, Gladiolus Amicitia, Ignis Scientia Additional Tags: Mutual Pining, Eventual Relationships, Accidental Baby Acquisition Summary:

The first thing Prompto wakes up to is concerned voices and someone fussing or whining.

It takes a few moments to sit up, adjust in the tent and glance around. It’s just Ignis, Gladio and a fussing baby. He blinks and looks again. The baby wasn’t here last night. ☆ ☆ ☆ A.k.a The astrals get tired of Prompto and Noctis' pining and decide to try and get them together

Update yay!

Read it on the link or under the cut :)

Prompto wakes up later than usual, he must have been exhausted he figures. He yawns and opens an eye to find Solis fast asleep against him and Noctis practically snoring against him due to his sleeping position.

He blushes and gently brushes some of Noctis’ fringe from his face with a soft sigh. He smiles, tempted to kiss his forehead. He almost does before he gets too nervous and quickly retreats from the bed, baby son in tow.

“Afternoon.” Ignis speaks up as Prompto steps outside still in his pjs. He practically squeaks at Ignis and Solis smiles before jamming a fist into his mouth.

“W-What time is it? I should have ran today.” Prompto asks, securing Solis in his arms.

“Two in the afternoon.” Gladio replies, glancing up from his book. “You sick? You’re usually up earlier than that.”

Prompto pales and groans.

“Noct woke me up super early with the baby. Just tired I guess. Why didn’t anyone wake me up?”

“We tried several times.” Ignis replies as Prompto sits in on of the plastic chairs outside the caravan.

“You was cuddling up to Princess.” Gladio adds making Prompto choke on his own breath.

“Perhaps you should change.” Ignis states, quickly changing the subject matter to save Prompto from choking.

Prompto glances down noticing his vest and boxers and turns crimson. How he’d forgot he wasn’t ready was a mystery.

“Um...Yeah can someone take Sol?”

“Bring him over here.” Gladio says with a smile. He’s always been a natural with kids, he’s had experience with his little sister after all.

Prompto carefully gets up, handing the baby blonde over to Gladio before heading back into the caravan.

“You’ll be lucky if they confess before you turn five.” Gladio mutters to Solis who grabs his hair and tugs.

* * * Prompto changes quickly and heads back out to the others and after a few minutes a groggy but dressed Noctis comes out and joins them.

Ignis gives them their late breakfast which is as expected cold but the boys don't mind. Solis watches them from Gladio’s lap, beaming when one of his parents looks over at him. Yep this baby was going to be the death of them.

Gladio adds to that by smirking and attempting to make Solis wave at them, the duo soften and play the game right back as they wave to their baby boy. Said baby smiles brightly and wriggles excitedly making the boys laugh a little.

* * * All of them need a bath.

Noctis showers first then after he's done he waits until everyone else is done to offer to bathe Solis. Mostly because he has no idea how to go about it.

“He's far too small for the shower. Use the bowl.” Ignis says, gesturing to the empty washing up bowl in the sink.

“With dish soap?” Noctis asks, holding Solis.

Ignis sighs and Gladio rolls his eyes.

“Plain water for now.” Gladio replies. “Warm. Not too hot.”

Noctis carefully heads over to the sink, running the water.

“We'll get the proper supplies later but this will have to suffice for now.” Ignis says glancing over at Solis.

Noctis checks the water and turns it off. He glances over at Ignis and looks lost. Ignis heads over and helps prepare Solis for the bath before Noctis carefully places him into the bowl.

Solis whines looking unsure of his first bath at first but Noctis calmly talks to him trying to reassure him.

“Ok what do I do?”

Ignis hands over a washcloth and carefully dips it into the water before gently helping wash the squirming baby. Said baby wails, still unsure of his first bath so Noctis decides to do something he knows Prompto would do, sing.

He sings a Lucian lullaby to Solis who slowly begins to stop crying and starts to stare at him in awe almost. Noctis is oblivious that the others are too and that a freshly showered Prompto is staring too, jaw dropped.

Noctis continues before booping Solis on the nose with a smile when he finishes before he realises the others are staring. He blushes and looks awkward.

“W-What?”

“Nothing. Just surprised is all.” Ignis mutters, finishing up helping bathe Solis.

* * * They drive up to Lestallum fairly soon after, Prompto curled up fast asleep in the front, Noctis and Gladio are on baby duty.

Solis clings to Noctis, sometimes wiggling a little in Noctis’ arms making little noises to himself as he wiggles.

Today Solis is wearing a onesie with a hood and his feet covered, it’s a rather adorable black Chocobo one Prompto bought and dressed him in, Noctis can’t complain.

His tiny foot kicks gently Noctis’ arm making Noctis glance down at him, asking if he’s ok. Solis yawns in response and bleps moments later making Noctis smile.

Gladio glances over and smiles before looking up at Noctis moments later. “So far he’s more behaved than Iris was. She kicked me and wailed whenever I held her for a month.”

Noctis snorts and gently rocks Solis. “I’d cry if some giant loud eight year old was holding me.” he jokes, Gladio flicking his forehead moments later with a smirk.

“Like you would have held her. You were five and thought girls had germs.” Gladio replies. “Still not out of that phase yet.”

Noctis rolls his eyes and looks at Solis. “Just never really liked girls or got why people liked sex. I used to think something was wrong with me in high school.”he mutters.

“Oh yeah Iggy found you in tears in your apartment.”

Noctis pouts a little and sighs. “Not my proudest moment. I never thanked him fully for dealing with that. We just figured out I was ace and gay then I just passed out against him. I think the whole thing drained me.”

“You did thank me.” Ignis pipes up.

“I did?”

“You was half asleep when you said it.”

Noctis blinks. Honestly that would explain why he doesn’t remember.

“Still thanks for that.”

“No need to thank me.” Ignis smiles softly.

* * * They fall into a comfortable silence the rest of the drive, just listening to the music and Prompto quietly humming along to it.

Prompto gets up and turns around to speak to Gladio and Noctis and also coo at his baby. They’re talking about Kings Knight when Gladio sneezes loudly making Prompto and Solis jump.

Solis’ makes a startled expression which honestly makes Noctis laugh by how funny it looks. Said baby ends up crying seconds after making Noctis quickly stop.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” he says quietly to Solis, stroking his cheek and looking guilty. Seconds later he hears a rather loud noise, glancing up at Prompto before speaking up.

“Prompto!” he cries, pulling a disgusted face.

“It's not me!” the blonde cries, looking over at Solis. “It's him.”

“Oh yeah blame the baby.” Gladio adds.

“I swear it's not me! It’s coming from the back!” Prompto huffs, looking over at Solis again when it stops, the baby looks startled, blue eyes turned a shade of pink and filled with tears. That makes Prompto pale and stare but he doesn't want to draw attention to it, maybe he's hallucinating. “Yikes how can someone so tiny make a noise that loud?”

It takes Noctis and Gladio a little longer to believe it. Calling bullshit before said baby starts to wail immediately after.

“Ew....Could you wait until I'm not holding you next time? ” Noctis mutters making Prompto snort.

You’ve changed his diapers and this is gross?” Gladio asks in disbelief.

“Aw don’t make him feel bad dude, he’s probably gassy...Blame Gladio’s monster sneeze for jumpscaring it out of him. Plus could be waay grosser just saying.” Prompto gently tickles Solis and coos at him. “Aww It’s ok my little bean…It's just you….Um...Random question but do babies normally get scared over their own gas?”

“Never call our son a bean again.” Noctis says, sounding offended making Prompto snort.

“Not like you've done it loads in the car...Can't decide if it's worse with the roof up or down.” Gladio pauses before nodding at Prompto's question. “Some do.”

The royal turns crimson and huffs. “One time! Plus he’s like right on my arm! I've never done it on anyone!”

“He’s wearing a diaper.” Gladio replies. “Babies do this.”

Noctis grimaces.

“You've been his age once Princess.” Gladio mutters. “You've been this “gross” once.”

“Plus I mean you've made the air unbreathable in the car more than once. Just no one knows it's you unless it's a SBD or they look at your face. You're not subtle. Sol seems to be the complete opposite.” Prompto says.

Noctis looks mortified, trying to sink into the leather of his seat, his face pure red.

“Guess Sol takes after you then.” Noctis replies still a little embarrassed, making Prompto turn red. He feels a tad smug for making the blonde blush honestly.

“I-I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You woke yourself up once with yo-”

“Can we please change the subject matter to something less juvenile?” Ignis pipes up with a sigh, reaching for his can of Ebony and taking a drink.

Prompto quickly turns back around and sits down before speaking up again.

“Ok soo what’s our plans when we get to Lestallum?” Prompto asks quickly changing the subject.

“We’re meeting up with Iris.” Gladio replies. “Stocking up and staying in a hotel.”

“We’ll have to do hunts and stuff for money at some point...Right?” Prompto asks.

“Certainly but for now we should be ok. If we have to, we’ll see if Iris can babysit Solis.” Ignis replies.

“...You sure that’s ok?” Noctis asks. “We don’t know what he’s like without us.”

“Fortunately we won’t find out immediately.”

“Yeah.” Noctis replies, relief easy to hear in his voice. He glances down at Solis, finding him yawning. Long car rides make him sleepy too.

The duo decide to take a nap for the rest of the journey moments later.

* * * By the time they reach the hotel, Solis is in a makeshift baby sling around Noctis’ chest. Noctis and Solis are just about awake maybe more so when someone rushes at Gladio.

“Gladdy!” a familiar voice yells lunging at his waist and cuddling the shield. Said shield grins and ruffles her hair.

He practically lifts her off her feet when he hugs her making the teenage girl laugh a little as she hooks her arms around his neck.

“Missed you kiddo.” he says with a smile.

“Missed you too.” she mutters.

Gladio carefully puts her down after a few moments and she dusts off her skirt despite the fact that it's clean and doesn't need it.

She then fixes her hair the best she can before welcoming the others with a hug. She goes to hug Noctis before pausing the moment she spots the baby.

“Aww~” she coos with a smile on her face, glancing at baby Solis. “...You didn't steal a baby from someone...Right?” her face drops, looking worried.

“Long story but no.” Prompto replies. “He's Solis...Solis...We didn't talk about last names.”

“Argentum-Lucis Caelum.” Noctis mutters to him, Prompto blushes a little and nods. It feels special hearing their last names together, it makes him feel all warm and fuzzy inside. He didn't expect a double barrel name and boy is it a mouthful but he feels like it fits Solis.

“Hi Solis~” Iris coos, gently offering a finger for Solis to grab which honestly he grabs the moment it's in reach. “I'm Iris, Gladdy's sister.”

Solis coos and kicks out a foot against the sling he's in before releasing Iris’ finger and yawning. Noctis smiles when he hears Iris gasp out how that was so cute and goes to stroking Solis’ cheek.

“I'll go secure us a room.” Ignis speaks up, heading into the hotel lobby.

“Ask if they have any cribs.” Noctis adds as Ignis walks in.

“Oh em gee, it's gonna be his first hotel stay.” Prompto mutters, glancing over at the little blonde baby.

“Where have you had him?” Iris asks.

“Camping and a caravan. He's not been around for long.” Noctis replies and Iris looks horrified.

“We didn’t steal him.” Noctis huffs.

* * * Iris stays with Noctis, Prompto and Solis in the hotel room while Ignis and Gladio head out for supplies.

Prompto’s had to change Solis into something cooler which seems to be sleepwear. A little black babygrow with gold text on the front saying nap king, along with a tiny crown. Iris coos at the sight and Noctis smiles softly muttering about how he is actually the nap king.

Noctis has the windows open but unfortunately it doesn’t help much. If anything everyone except Solis is suffering.

Prompto’s taken to wearing sleepwear consisting of a vest and pj shorts littered with comic book sound effects wrote on them and Noctis quickly follows his lead.

Iris meanwhile unfolds a pink hand fan and quickly fans herself with it, Prompto sits on the bed with Solis trying to steal a breeze as Solis is trying to steal the fan.

“I’m dying.” Prompto whines stopping Solis from grabbing the fan. Noctis leans closer and gently boops Solis’ nose as a distraction. Solis looks at him with his tiny mouth open.

“Same” Iris and Noctis reply.

“Jynx.” Prompto tiredly mutters, looking down at Solis. “How are you ok?” he asks his son who’s currently trying to grab Noctis’ hair.

“Hopefully he’s feeling a breeze.” Noctis says, offering Solis a finger to grab, he smiles when Solis grips onto said finger.

“So what’s the full story here?” Iris asks. “It feels like you two are a couple and somehow got a baby.”

“Not dating.” Noctis replies, blushing a little. Prompto covers his own red face and Noctis for a second thinks he looks disappointed by that fact.

“Really?” Iris asks, she was certain they finally confessed to each other but she was wrong.

Prompto and Noctis look at each other, taking a breath before trying to explain it all to Iris and by the end of it she understands, thinks it's a blessing even.

“Are you happy with all this?” she asks them both. The duo nod and smile, they gained something wonderful from this, how could they not be.

A single tear leaks down Prompto’s cheek causing Noctis and Iris to look at him.

“Prompto? You ok?” Noctis asks, brows knitting together, he leans over and wipes the tear away and Prompto's breath hitches.

Iris feels sorry for him, glancing at Noctis as the blonde breaks down.

“Maybe give us a moment.” She mutters to Noctis and the Prince nods, taking the baby and heading out on the balcony with Solis. He looks worried honestly.

Iris waits until the balcony door closes and speaks up, hugging Prompto close.

“Are you not happy?” she asks quietly, gripping onto his shirt.

“N-No. I'm super happy. Happiest I've ever been.” Prompto sniffles, resting his chin against her shoulder.

“Are you sure? This doesn't look like happy tears.” she mutters.

“I-I love Solis. I'd die for him Iris, I’d kill for him and honestly that scares me but that's not what's up.” Prompto replies.

“Then what is?” Iris asks, rubbing his back.

“I really love him.”

“Noctis?”

Prompto nods and sniffles.

“I really fucking love him...A-And it hurts.”

“Why?” Iris asks, pulling away slightly to look up at him. “Why does it hurt?”

“Cause...I-I know I'm not good enough for him. I'm just a pleb, I don't care about the fact he's a Prince...H-He could have nothing and I'd still love him. Just I keep falling for him more and more each day, even seeing him with the baby makes me fall...It hurts cause someone like me doesn't belong with him.”

Iris bites her lip and breathes out softly before speaking up again, hoping she doesn't get emotional.

“I think you're good enough for him.” she says, resting a hand on his arm, offering him a soft smile.

Prompto chuckles and sniffles, pulling away and wiping his eyes.

“Funny...He pretty much said the same thing too...Just different situations.” he glances outside at Noctis and Solis and sighs softly. “I should go calm him down. He's probably stressed out there, maybe worrying to the baby.”

Iris looks up at him as he carefully gets up.

“Are you sure you're ok?” she asks and he nods with a soft smile.

“Yeah...Sorry I got like….That.” he winces a little thinking back and she shakes her head, getting up herself.

“Nah, you're good.” She replies, pulling him into one last hug before leaving the room and deciding to give the boys their privacy.

* * * Prompto heads out to Noctis, speaking up before wrapping his arms around his waist, resting his chin against his shoulder.

“Hey.” Prompto speaks up.

“You and Iris done?” Noctis asks.

“Yeah...I missed my boys.” Prompto says.

Noctis snorts and startles Solis accidentally, before speaking up. "We missed you too."

“Ah you just broke so many girls hearts with that and scared the baby, you heathen.” Prompto jokes.

Noctis smiles and rolls his eyes. “Shut up.” he mutters with a smile making Prompto laugh.

“So...How was Solis?” Prompto asks.

“Ok this might sound weird but...I think he can summon...Or will be able to when he's a little older.” Noctis says making Prompto raise a brow.

“Why do you think that? Can you like sense it?”

“Nah I've seen his eyes glow pink one night and tonight.”

“What happened?” Prompto asks palling a little.

“ He got stressed out and he tried to summon someone to help comfort you but yeah nothing happened other than eye colour change. He got a little fussy and annoyed after that didn't work. I've never seen a baby look so grumpy.”

“That explains the eye change in the car.” Prompto mutters and gently stands on his tip toes, reaches over Noctis’ shoulder to soothe Solis via gently rubbing his cheek with a finger. “It's ok buddy, you don't need to make grabby hands at the astrals for me.”

Noctis smiles and agrees.

“Plus I think they're only interested in gossip on us. Can't see Ramuh coming down to hug any of us.”

They fall into a comfortable silence moments later before Prompto speaks up.

“Sorry.” Prompto mutters.

“What for?” Noctis replies.

“Worrying you both I guess, just emotions got the best of me. But I'm ok now. Don't worry.” he smiles softly and gives Noctis a gentle squeeze.

“You sure?”

Prompto makes a sound of agreement and glances down at Solis.

Their baby is clinging to Noctis, he looks up at Prompto and stares, drooling a little. Prompto is glad that Solis has nothing to stress about in his young life so far.

Prompto finds himself glancing at Noctis or as much as he can see of him as he cuddles him from behind and makes a decision, he slowly lets go causing Noctis to turn around and Prompto bites his lip as he does, seeing his boys fully and feeling happiness wash over him. He catches Noctis’ eyes and smiles softly, Noctis copying said smile.

The duo move closer, eyes glancing at each other's lips, then back up at each other. They continue it for a few more seconds before attempting to lean in, they're meer inches apart before the balcony door opens and startles them apart.

“Did I interrupt something?” Ignis asks and the duo shake their heads nervously.

“N-No.” Prompto replies, Noctis seems too awkward at this point to even speak up.

“...Just came to tell you we got supplies, lunch should be ready soon and we acquired some baby supplies. We found a product that is basically a three in one: shampoo, conditioner and body wash specifically for infants.”

Noctis nods and glances at Solis in his arms. The blonde baby sneezes and whines causing Prompto to gently wipe his nose with his shirt. Noctis’ heart thumps against his chest at the sight. It's weird such a gross thing can make him fall more for Prompto but it does. Both Solis and Prompto will be the death of him. His two rays of sunshine.

“So round 2 of actually bathing him this time?” Prompto asks, looking up at Noctis.

“...Huh?..O-Oh Yeah. Totally.” the Prince replies.

“Use the bathroom sink. I don't feel confident with him being in the bathtub with one of you just yet. Far too small for that.” Ignis says, handing Prompto a bag.

“I thought you only got that magic three in one stuff?” he asks the chef.

“I took the liberty of getting him a washcloth or two along with a couple of towels.”

“Oh em gee! You are a lifesaver!” Prompto almost yells, rushing over and hugging Ignis.

Ignis smiles and gently hugs him back.

“I wouldn't go that far, he did need the supplies.” Ignis replies before glancing over at Solis. “He appears to be distracted.”

Solis is staring up at who knows what and Prompto is reminded of himself looking at Solis, wide eyes and mouth slightly open. Noctis has photographic evidence of Prompto making that exact face when he's seen something of interest.

“He's either super focused or zoning out.” Prompto says.

Noctis glances down at Solis and smirks before looking up to where the baby is looking.

“Holy shi-....He's staring at a huge bird on the roof.” Noctis says, eyes wide. They've been near a bird that Prompto once said was three halves of different things and this one is tiny compared to that but it doesn't stop Noctis staring and holding Solis closer.

Prompto follows Solis’ line of sight and startles a little. Astrals. It looks like a bird of prey and honestly makes him feel terrified, it's not the one from Gladio's tattoo but it’s got talons that Prompto doesn't want to mess with.

“Magnificent creature.” Ignis mutters.

Prompto currently looks like an angry Chocobo as he stares at the bird of prey. “I don't trust it.” he huffs. He's terrified it'll try to get their baby and looking at Noctis, he feels the same.

He almost screams as another flies over with food but softens when he hears noises. Tiny calls.

“They seem to have offspring.” Ignis mutters, smiling a little when he spots a couple of smaller grey chicks.

Noctis agrees and points the chicks out to Solis, Prompto is sure he hears said Prince say “They're babies, like you.” to their son and honestly Prompto melts.

Prompto gasps when he catches sight of one and rushes inside to get his camera, almost running into the balcony door.

* * * Prompto and Noctis do baby bath time that night. Prompto on holding duty while Noctis lathers up Solis’ fluffy baby hair.

They switch come wash time and attempt to make Solis distracted enough as to not wail. The baby so far isn't found of his sink bath, teary eyed and whiny.

Distraction comes in the form of playing/singing themes from animes and video games they like. Solis just stares at them in awe before blessing them with his first ever giggle. It's an adorably bubbly giggle, honestly it makes Noctis think of Prompto in a weird way.

His laugh makes him feel warmth and like laughing himself, this tiny giggle from their sunbeam has a very similar effect too.

The duo may gasp and yell for Gladio and Ignis after said adorable moment but also make the duo swear not to tell another soul how they got Solis to giggle for the first time.

“My little sunbeam~” Prompto coos at Solis when they dry him off and honestly Noctis agrees with the nickname. It fits perfectly, so much it kind of sticks.

* * * Come night time, Prompto carefully lies Solis down in a cot the hotel provided. He looks anxious to put their baby in it.

“What if he gets scared?” he asks, looking over at Noctis.

“We'll be right here ready. Prom his crib is right near our bed. Easy access if he needs us.” Noctis says, honestly he's unsure too but he's just quiet about it.

Prompto swallows and carefully leans into the cot, kissing Solis’ head before climbing into bed, he smiles when Noctis does the same, he notices Noctis put something in the cot and raises a brow. He should ask about that.

Everyone wishes each other goodnight or everyone who can talk that is. Prompto practically beams when they all wish Solis goodnight.

Prompto leaves a light on for Solis before whispering to Noctis.

“What did you put in his crib?”

“Carbuncle.” Noctis yawns.

“Carbuncle?” Prompto sounds lost.

“He's kinda like something that goes into dreams, protects you from nightmares. He's a little fox thing. Sol will love him.” he mutters to Prompto and doesn't miss the blonde smile.

“I hope he gives our baby safe dreams.” Prompto sleepily mutters before drifting off surprisingly before Noctis.

“Yeah, me too.” Noctis yawns, joining him moments later.

* * * Prompto wakes in the night to check on Solis. Solis starts coughing and Prompto panics, scooping him up and patting his back gently.

Solis sniffles and Prompto realises his baby has a cold. Poor Solis' nose is all stuffy and his eyes are wet probably because said cold is bothering him.

Prompto rubs his back and sighs, he shouldn't worry over a cold but he is. His little sunbeam seems irritated by the cold. He wishes he could take it away from him.

“Why didn't you wail?” Prompto asks quietly carefully climbing back in bed with Solis in his arms. Solis whines and Prompto tries to soothe him. “I know buddy. Colds suck.” he mutters, kissing his head.

Solis is fussy the rest of the night and Prompto stays awake trying to soothe him, unfortunately that means he’s still awake by the time the others wake up, as is Solis who sniffles and cries which honestly breaks Prompto’s heart.

It makes sense the baby would get a cold at some point but Prompto had no idea it would be so sucky for Solis. Honestly he feels like crying for him honestly, he can handle lacking a few hours or more if it means he can be there for his son but he can't seem to handle his baby having a common cold.

“...-Ompto,is everything alright?”

“...Huh?” he glances over to the source of the voice to see Ignis looking concerned. He must have zoned out.

Prompto sighs and gently rocks Solis, glancing over at Ignis.

“Sol’s got his first cold.” Prompto replies. ‘He’s been awake for hours and really fussy...I think it's really bugging him and I don’t know what to do. I want to fix it for him.”

Noctis heads over, feeling Solis’ head. The look of relief on his face is instant when he realises Solis doesn’t have a fever.

“He’s too young for pills so I think we just have to wait it out.” Noctis says with a sigh, Prompto whines tiredly and Solis copies which would be cute if he wasn’t grumpy from his cold.

“Just keep him hydrated.” Ignis replies. “And away from crowds.”

“But that means we’ll have to stay put until he feels better.” Prompto yawns. “How do we get breakfast?”

“Room service.” Noctis adds, reaching for the phone causing Gladio to sigh.

“We have a stove y’know. Iggy can cook for free.” the shield mutters.

“Plus it would save funds.” Ignis adds causing Noctis to sigh and lower the phone back down.

Noctis sits next to Prompto and puts an arm around him, Solis sniffles as Noctis pulls the duo closer.

“He’ll be ok, I promise.” Noctis mutters.

“But what if-”

“If it gets worse we’ll go see someone. But he doesn’t have a fever, he’s not throwing up or anything. We’ll monitor him, I swear.” Noctis mutters.

Prompto rests his head against Noctis’ chest. “He’s so grumpy right now, I feel bad for him.”

Noctis gently strokes Solis’ cheek trying to soothe him.

“Sleep it off...Sunbeam.” he mutters continuing to stroke Solis’ cheek until the baby falls asleep.

Prompto yawns and Noctis changes positions so he’s lying down with them both, he carefully takes Solis from Prompto and holds him close.

“Prom. Go to sleep, your eyes are bloodshot.” Noctis mutters trying not to disturb their son.

Prompto nuzzles his side and yawns, he falls asleep fairly quickly after, hoping Solis doesn’t feel as bad later on.

[dazzlingfantasiesblogs]

Hurricane P31

Happy x Reader

Warning/Triggers: 18+ Only! If under 18, kindly un-follow me!. Violence. SMUT..

Notes: o_o

Tags: @moodygrip @trippinjenni @jenny885

Pics and gifs are not mine. 

Next morning you got up and headed to Cara Cara to talk to Luann and explain you just couldn’t work from their office. Lorenzo stayed by your side just in case you needed him. Both of you drinking ice coffee since you stopped and talked to Craig. Opening the door to the Jeep, you stepped out. Lorenzo made his way to your side. You took a step back seeing his motorcycle.. you shook off the pain and sorrow. You needed to attend to your work. Lorenzo slid his hand on the small of your back smiling down at you. “It will be ok darlin.” Nodding you grabbed the handle to Cara Cara and stepped in. The same smell of cheap perfume and sex filled your nostrils making you slightly nauseous. Man you hated this place. You looked at Lorenzo, he looked around with utter disgust on his face. He had no issues with porn, but just the sheer fact you worked in this place upset him. He knew why this caused you such pain.

You walked down the main corridor to see a lot of SOA in the main relaxing room. Lorenzo tightened his grip till he seen Kozik. He relaxed a bit knowing he would never let anything go on. You walked up to your brother, hugging him tightly. “Morning sis.” “Morning.” You handed him some of your coffee to drink. You went to grab it and he pulled away. “Mine now!” he smirked. “Fine, fine.” Lorenzo laughed a bit handing you his to drink. Jax walked in seeing you standing there. He seen Lorenzo in a nice clean-cut suite and was slightly impressed by his calm presence. Jax stuck out his hand to Lorenzo. “So you’re the guy Happy wants to kill.” Lorenzo smirked a bit. “We have met before Jax. And yes, I suppose. He won’t get passed her though.” He smiled down at you. You chuckled a bit hugging Jax. “We won’t kill him, can’t. He is SOA. God above knows we don’t want to be on your bad side.” You laughed a bit at him. “Need to talk to Luann, where she at?” “She is in a meeting right now. Your help has made Cara Cara a lot of money.” “Well, I won’t be working from here anymore.” Jax squinted a bit. “I will be doing it remotely. If I need anything, I will ask a friend of mine.” “Your leaving?” “Not exactly. I am done putting myself in positions where I might commit murder.” Chuckling he nodded. “Fair.” “Haha yeah no kidding!” you looked back to see Luann and Happy walking out of the office. “Thanks for your help Happy, Otto will love the tattoo!” he nodded to her. “Luann, can I talk to you?” she looked up seeing you there. “Oh my gosh! Hi beautiful! Of course!. Who is this handsome lad?” she looked Lorenzo up and down. “Someone close to my heart.” You smiled to her. “Ok, sure come to my office.” Happy was stopped in his tracks. The fact you where here astounded him. You where always strong in his eyes. He looked to see Lorenzo close to you, almost protecting you. One thing he could read was auras and it was shielding you from him. Walking passed Happy you ignored his whole presence. Like you two where never a thing. Walking into the office you sat down.

After talking with Luann she understood everything that you where saying. She agreed to have offsite meeting at least once a week. Walking out you all where laughing at something she said. You smelt the same fake perfume as you walked out. You seen Ima flirting with Happy and Jax. She looked over to you and then Lorenzo. She stride over “I wouldn’t..” Jax spoke, warning her. “Your playing with fire..” he mumbled. She stood in front of Lorenzo as he tried to walk away from her. “Well who are handsome!” he looked at her with pure pity and then disgust. “Ugh, you are gross.” He walked around her, she grabbed his wrist. You reached out grabbing her wrist before she could touch him. “You can have Happy and SOA. Touch him, I’ll kill you.” She rolled her eyes. “Sorry Luann..” speaking, you grabbed her wrist twisting it back till you hurd a crack. She howled in pain. She hit you, scratching your cheek. You smirked a bit shoving her back against the ground. Turning around you walked passed Happy “Y/N..” He went to grab you and Lorenzo grabbed your hand before he could. “Stay away from her!” he growled at Happy. Rarely did you hear him get so upset. Kozik ran over between the two. “Enough.” Was all he said. “I agree with Kozik. We are done Happy. That is final. Do your own thing, but leave me and him the fuck alone. What we had, is gone.” You nodded to him, seriousness covered your face. Grabbing Lorenzo’s hand, you dragged him out of Cara Cara.

“Holy shit, I think you broke her wrist.” You laughed a bit. “No, I dislocated it.” He nodded, his eyes burning into your head. “Why are you staring at me like that?” he bit his lip slightly. The sheer image causing you to let a moan escape your lips. Pulling up to your house, you stepped out, Lorenzo hot on your heels. Opening the door, he shut and locked the door pulling on the blinds to close. He picked you up, bringing you to the couch, spreading your legs he kissed your passionately. His lips intertwining with yours in the most delicious of ways. His hands slid over your body, hiking up your dress over your hips. He slid his hands to your panties, pressing them against your core. “Baby..” he slid his lips over your neck and down your chest. He stood up, pulling your dress completely off. “Stunning… so beautiful…” he slid his lips over your cleavage. Sucking on your skin he created small marks to your breasts, lapping both nipples in his mouth, taking his turns with both. You were so precious. To him you reeked beauty both physically and internally. “Lorenzo..” you moaned out. He slid his fingers passed your laced panties and started to rub your clit. Closing your eyes you whole body shook with pleasure. He touched with you such care, making sure you felt everything. “Mmm..” he kissed down you stomach and sides. His head between your thighs. 

You swore you where going to explode right there. He tugged your panties lower down on your legs. He kissed your hips licking them faintly, swirling circles. He slid his tongue to your bundle, moaning at the taste. Your hands traveled to his hair, pulling slightly. Growling he wrapped his hands around your legs, pulling you as close as possible to him. Your body was lit on fire from how good his tongue felt. You couldn’t stop from moaning loudly, chanting his name over and over. He was bringing you to your peak very quickly. Your legs started to shake, you begged him not to stop. He didn’t, he helped you fall over that edge. Your vision went blurry as you arched your back. Your breathing was off a bit as you came down from the high. Lorenzo stood up, his chin wet and his lips shiny from you. He pulled off his tie and then proceeded with the rest of his suite. He picked you up, bringing you to the loft and laid you on the bed. “I don’t want this to ruin our friendship..” he choked out slightly worried. “Has it ever?” he laughed a bit nodding no. Sliding off his black Calvin Klein boxers, you seen how hard he was. He licked up and down your neck, going to suck on your ear lobe. “You have no clue how bad I have wanted you…” you smiled up and him as he slid between your legs. You felt him push into you. Crying out he kissed your lips. He was very well endowed, and it took awhile to get use to it. He slowly pushed in, groaning at the wonderful feeling. He waited till you nodded it was ok for him to move. As he slowly pulled out and pushed back in you felt yourself falling for Lorenzo all over again. He was a very attentive lover and you remembered that when you two where younger. He always said he wanted to give you the world, even as just friends. “So wet baby…” he groaned as his lips sealed against yours.

He licked down your neck to your breasts and began to suck and play with your nipples. His saliva coating both of them, the cold air sending a tingly feeling to the rest of your body. His eyes were like pools of sex, such a beautiful blue, that where mostly black with lust at the moment. “Please… faster..” He smirked pulling out and pushing in a bit harder causing you to scream out in bliss. His hips snapped against yours as he kept filling you completely. “Im… gunna..” before you could finish your sentence, you came hard. More so for a long time. Your held on to Lorenzo for dear life. Your hands wrapped around his strong arms. “Fuck.. me too..” he groaned moving harder. Pulling out he came on your hips, rolling over exhausted. “Sorry… forgot to ask If you wanted me to you know.. in you or not..” you chuckled a bit. “I am on the pill so I get it if you ask.” He quickly stood up, going downstairs grabbing you a washcloth. He came up, wiping up your body. Kissing your lips gently.

Happy sat at Cara Cara with the boys. He stared at the ground, trying to control his inner emotions from spilling out. He seen first hand how Ima was a slut. How you ignored him like he was nothing but trash on the side of the road. How violent you got when Ima tried to touch the asshole in the suite. How you stuck up for him when he tried to grab your hand but Lorenzo stopped him. His heart sank into his stomach. He made a terrible choice. Kozik watched as Happy sat there. To most people it would look like he was relaxing, but Kozik knew how his brother was. “Happy, I need your help.” Happy looked up to Kozik and nodded. He followed him outside of Cara Cara. “You relized you fucked up right?” Happy nodded. “I am not sure who she is supposed to be with. I know damn well that Lorenzo would never hurt her. I also know you love her to the moon and back as they say. Yet, never once did you go to try and get back with her when you left her.. you never tried to make things right. So when she appeared again, it was odd you wanted her back..” “I had distractions.. Club was riding me hard. I knew damn well that I missed her daily. I should have never left her in the first place.. thought she would be better off and maybe she is..” Koziks face fell slightly. He was not use to his brother being so low. “Up to you.” Kozik shrugged. “I hate to be mean, but you hurt her. She was so upset in New York. I could see the pain take over her again and it was a terrible sight.” “We fight so much. When we are good we are great.. but we are bad it is like being in hell hottest fire..” Kozik chuckled a bit at that. “No kidding.” “I don’t know what to do…” Happy sat on the curb of the road. Head in hands as his eyes filled with tears. “Out of everyone in the world, she was the last person I wanted to hurt..” Kozik seen the tears stream down Happys face. He sighed slightly sitting next to him. “I will see if I can get her to talk to you…” Happy looked at him with a slight smile that was so rare. “Thank you..”

[deadlydollies13]

The Potion Master’s Grace ch. 18

Grace’s heart pounded loudly against her chest, sure that everyone in the room could hear it.    “Grace? What’s wrong?” Severus took a cautious step towards her.    She couldn’t hear him. She couldn’t hear anything but herself hyperventilating and her heart about to beat out of her chest, which now had a sharp-shooting pain through it. Her brain was screaming at her; not words, just really loud static and a long “Aaaahhhhh!” She shut her eyes tight and put her hands over her ears, but it didn’t stop. She also must’ve been saying, “no” over and over, but couldn’t hear herself say it, only feel her mouth moving.    “She’s having an anxiety attack,” Luna said, and instantly Severus was at her side.    He tried to pry her hands from her ears, tried to calm her down, but she kept shaking her head.    “Grace! Gracie, it’s me, please!”  he pleaded. Her legs started to give and he was the only support keeping her from crashing to the ground.    She couldn’t feel her body. It was like she was there, but wasn’t there at the same time. She was numb. All at once, her hyperventilating stopped, her brain was silent, and everything went black.

-

   Grace woke up on the couch. She was hooked up to her oxygen again and there was a cool washcloth on her forehead. It had to have been Phoebe, Severus often panicked and froze on parental instincts in these moments.    She wanted to sit up, see where everyone had gone, but her body felt so heavy. But she could hear their voices from down the hall.

-

   Inside Severus’ study, he, Phoebe, and Luna all stared at the envelope before them.    “Who’s Adina?” Phoebe asked.    “Her mother, of course,” Luna said reaching for the envelope and tearing it open.    “Luna!”    “Grace will never open it!” She read over the letter, distaste written all over her face. “Her mother is at a rehabilitation center and she’s finally allowed visitors so she wants Grace to come.” She folded the letter back up and tossed it back on the table like it burned her to touch it.    “It’s entirely up to Grace if she goes,” Severus said.    “And if she does, you’ll go with her,” Luna’s voice was stern, a tone rarely voiced by the girl.    “Shouldn’t Grace confront her alone?” Phoebe asked.    “No! After what that woman did to her? Grace will either have a mental breakdown and do something stupid, or murder Adina right there! Grace is strong, but she’s not mentally stable enough to do this alone! She needs Severus there! For once in her life, she has a damn support system and she’s put all of her reliance on him! And that’s final!”    Both adults gaped at the teenager. They’d never seen her so serious, so furious about something, it was scary. Luna was the closest one out of all three to Grace, she knew Grace’s thoughts and secrets, and the extent of what Adina had done to Grace. So they knew best not to argue, and just nodded their heads. Luna grabbed the letter and left the room. Severus looked at Phoebe, she shrugged, “Don’t look at me! She gets that from her father, her mother was chill about everything. She’s right though. You should go with Grace if she chooses to go.”    “You’d really think I’d let Gracie go all the way to Ireland alone?”    “No,” she smirked. “But, it was pretty funny seeing you cower at Luna’s yelling.”    “I did not cower.”    “You so did!! It was cute though,” she kissed him on his cheek. “Just like your face when I do that,” and she winked and walked away.    “I really wish I hated you.”    “Funny how our emotions have a way of betraying us!”

-

   Grace’s head was in Luna’s lap as she braided her hair into dozens of sections. They sat watching Netflix, only talking ever so often, but the conversations weren’t very long. It was just easier not to talk.    Of course, Luna had texted Draco what happened, who then called Grace freaking out, already having one foot out the door before Grace calmed him down and told him that she was fine and she’d see him soon. She didn't want Draco to constantly worry about her, that wasn’t fair to him.    “I’m gonna go,” Grace murmured as an episode of Doctor Who ended.    “Grace, you don’t have to.”    “No, I do. Now that she knows where I am, she won’t quit pestering me until I do. So I’ll go in person and tell her to fuck off.”    “She is a crazy bitch.”    Grace snorted, “You don’t even know the half of it. I’ll go the day after tomorrow.”    “Yeah, tomorrow we’ll do a little retail therapy.”    “I gotta get dad a phone.”    “Oh, Merlin. That should be interesting.”

-

   And it was.    “Grace, I don’t need a phone,” Severus said as he watched his daughter set it up.    “Yes, you do. What if there’s an emergency? Or… something.”    “I don’t even know how to use it!”    “Well, aren’t you glad that you have me around to get you caught up on technology? Honestly, dad, it’s the 21st century. Get with it.”    He turned to Phoebe, “Did… Was I just called old?” He turned back to Grace, “Did you just call me old? Seriously? Grace Audrey McClivert-Snape, I was twenty when you were born, okay? Dumbledore is, old. I am not.”    “Mhm,” she smirked. “Want me to make the text larger so you can read it better?”    “What happened to the sweet little Ravenclaw that barely said a word, and when she did, she was always so polite? Huh? Now you’re as snarky as- as-“    “You?” all three women said at once.    “Yes! … Oh, fuck.”    “Dad cursed! Put a Knot in the swear jar.”    “We don’t have a swear jar.”    “Really? Then, shit!”    “Okay, now we’re going to have a swear jar!”    “Here’s your phone. Have fun playing around with it!”    “Brat.”    “Okay, but your lock screen is the best thing ever.”    Somehow, Grace and Luna had managed to take a picture— or as Severus learned— “selfie,” with Cas and set it as his lock screen. Actually, there were about a hundred of these “selfies” already on his phone, how, he wasn’t sure. He smiled, “I like the cat the most.”    “Stupid cat.”    Cas meowed.

-

   Severus didn’t know of any apparition points in Northern Ireland, at least ones that were secretive enough that should he mess up, he would be safe from being noticed. But he did know of a few in England and Scotland. Originally, taking a ferry from Liverpool to Belfast sounded the easiest, and it would have been exciting because both he and Grace loved the Beatles, and they could have possibly made something fun out of the day she was dreading. But, the ferry ride was eight hours, and Grace was not having any of it. It’s not that she got sea-sick or anything, she just didn’t like the idea of being on a really big boat with lots of strangers and their cars for eight hours straight. Plus, that would mean they’d have to get up at the crack of dawn so they could be on the ferry by 5 am and arrive in Belfast a little afternoon. So, she did some research and found a much shorter ferry route from Cairnryan to Larne, which was only two hours. What was great was that they could sleep in a little longer and get on the ferry by 10:30 am and be in Larne by 12:30 pm, and then take an hour bus ride to Ballycastle and be there around the same time they would if they left from Liverpool.    Grace didn’t sleep the night before, so she spent the majority of the night staring at her walls, the ceiling, the starry night sky out her windows. Luna and Phoebe slept over, Luna staying in Grace’s room as usual, and Phoebe sleeping in one of the guest bedrooms which was actually supposed to be Luna’s room, but Luna always insisted on sharing a room with Grace, since, “That’s what teenage girls always do in the movies,” not that Grace really minded; sometimes it got rather lonely in her room, no matter how many photographs she hung up. Plus, Luna was a sleep-cuddler. Don’t judge. It’s human nature to want to cuddle.    Anyway, Grace only got about two hours of sleep. So when it was finally time to get out of bed, Luna had to practically drag her out.    Grace sat on her bed staring at her closet, shoulders hunched and arms crossed over her stomach, “I don’t know what to wear.”    Luna, stepping out of the bathroom, took her wet hair out of its towel turban and stared at her almost full walk-in closet with shopping bags full of clothes Grace still had yet to put away or hang up, “Seriously?” Grace nodded. “I hate you.”    It was chilly that day, well, chilly for the summer. It was really about 19ºC, but still. And it was bleak; it must’ve rained overnight and the sky was full of gray clouds and no sun.    “Why can’t I just wear sweats and a baggy t-shirt?” Grace groaned as she watched Luna, her fashion consultant, rummage through her wardrobe.    “Because if you dress like shit, that’s how you’ll feel. I know you don’t want to, but throw on some bright clothes, brush your hair, and put on a little makeup, and it might just help. Here, this shirt,” it was a pink and white striped tank top, “this skirt,” it was an A-line baby blue skirt that had a matching belt that tied together in the front in a bow, “your boots,” brown knee-high riding boots, “and your trench coat.”    Grace got dressed, put on some makeup, and while she may have looked cute, she still felt anxious. She checked her phone, two messages from Draco:

   Draco: I know today is going to be hard, but you’re strong. If you need anything, if you just wanna talk, I’ll be here. Just call. <3    Draco: Also, fuck her, fuck her for fucking with you like this. Punch her in the throat, baby!

   Grace smiled, Dray really was great. It was nice to feel cared for by someone that wasn’t unconditional, like Severus, or friendly, like Luna. Rather, mutual voluntary passion for someone that translated into the L-word that neither of them dared to speak yet.

   Grace: Thanks, babe. <3 Though, I want to do a lot more than just throat punch her. Hope you have bail money!    Draco: Just don’t leave any fingerprints! Can’t get arrested if no one knows.    Grace: We are terrible people.    Draco: That’s why we’re perfect for each other.

   It was all sappy, but she didn’t care. She was allowed the sappiness, she was allowed the gross romantic cliches. Dammit, she should be allowed to have a normal teenage life.

-

   Apparition sucked (no pun intended) when you were tired. It took everything out of you for a second and made functioning normally for a few moments afterward very hard. Grace just couldn’t wait until she could learn how to apparate on her own, maybe it’d be easier.    The good thing was that the ferry wasn’t too crowded. Besides, who would be taking a ferry from Cairnryan to Larne anyway? Most people just sucked it up and took the eight-hour ride to Belfast or flew. Grace mostly slept the way there, head resting on Severus’ arm.    Severus had no idea how Grace was going to react when she saw her mother. Would she panic and refuse to do so? Or would she finally snap and try to kill her? He really should’ve checked to make sure she wasn’t armed before they left. Did she bring her wand? He hoped she just wouldn’t do anything stupid.    Honestly, how would Severus act though? Severus had a certain degree of hatred for Grace’s birth parents, though his hatred for her mother wasn’t as strong as it was for her father. He was lucky he was locked up in prison because Severus would surely do something so drastic that he would find himself locked up in Azkaban. But her mother? He almost pitied her. She was in a rehabilitation center, she’d lost everything she’s ever had; she had ruined her own life.    After two hours, they finally arrived in Northern Ireland. Stepping off, Grace stopped in her tracks and just took a moment to look around. It was like a wave of nostalgia and familiarity washed over her, and she smiled. Of course, this wasn’t her home of Ballycastle. But it was close.    Fortunately, Severus and Grace had the bus to themselves, save for two other people who would eventually get off at different stops along the way. They were on the A2 Causeway Coastal route, going past steep cliffs that overlooked the ocean, uphill, downhill, so close to the edge sometimes Severus thought that the bus would tip over on a sharp turn, but Grace didn’t mind. She just gazed out the window and tapped her fingers to whatever music was playing on the radio.    “What’s your favorite Beatles song?” Grace asked.    “‘Hey Jude.’”    “Really?”    He nodded, “My mother used to sing it to me when I was little.”    “What was she like?”    “She was kind and very smart. She always tried her best to be the peacemaker and be there for me. Unfortunately, she made one mistake when she was young and that led to her demise. And I couldn’t save her,” he looked at his daughter and smiled. “She would’ve loved you though. I think she always wanted a daughter, so she would’ve spoiled you.”    “If she was anything like you, I would’ve loved her too.”    They passed the time along just like that: asking questions that would lead to stories that would lead to more questions.    “Ballycastle,” the bus driver finally called out. It was as if Grace was excited to finally see her hometown after eight years, but was paralyzed by fear in her seat.    “Grace? Are you alright?” Severus asked.    “Hm? Uh, yeah, yeah I think. Just got… lost in thought or something,” she quickly made her way off the bus; just had to get it over with it like a band-aid.    She looked around at the bright coastal town before her. Not much had changed in the eight years since she’s been gone. It still looked the same, maybe a few new coats of paint, and it still smelled like the sea. The bus pulled away and there was no turning back now.    “So this is Ballycastle,” Severus said taking it all in.    “Aye, this is Ballycastle. C’mon I’ll give you a tour,” she took Severus’ hand and started walking. They weren’t in any hurry, and they could use some walking around after being cooped up for over three hours.    Severus was sure they were getting lost, having walked around aimlessly, but Grace knew exactly where they were going. She had the whole town mapped out in her head.    “So this was my Primary school, Ballycastle Integrated Primary School, and Nursery Unit. We wore awful uniforms, baby blue collared shirts with burgundy jumpers and the girls had to wear gray skirts and knee socks in the warmer months, but when it got cold we were ‘allowed’ to wear slacks.”    “But you wear a uniform now, so what’s the difference?”    Grace smirked, “I almost never wear my uniform under my robes. Especially in the winter, I’m usually in joggers and my Uggs.”    “Grace!”    “Oi, get over it, no one wears the damn uniform unless it’s something special. Okay! Next stop!”    They continued walking, Grace occasionally pointing to random buildings:    “That’s where I fell off my bike.”    “That’s where I twisted my ankle.”    “That’s the pub he would always get drunk at after work,” referring to Mr. McClivert.    “That’s where Artie McCleod tried to kiss me in P7 so I punched him in the face and broke his nose.”    “And here’s the Diamond, known as the Heart of Ballycastle. I personally don’t think it’s shaped like a diamond, it looks more like a triangle, but apparently, it’s a diamond.”    They stood in the center of the Diamond, next to a monument that's plaque read was in memory of Dr. George Matthew O’Connor. They watched the locals pass by, going into pubs and shops. A few of them waved, and they waved back; Grace was thankful no one recognized her.    There was a group of men outside a pub playing music. No singing, just some guitars, a fiddle, a banjo, and a small drum set. Grace watched them with a smile on her face, recognizing the songs they were playing from growing up here in Northern Ireland. She tapped her foot to the music, and she caught the eye of the man playing the fiddle.    “Oi, wee lass!” he called to her.    Grace looked around for someone else he could have been talking to.    He pointed his bow at her, “Yes you!” he laughed. “With the pretty red hair!”    She blushed, “Yes sir?”    “Do ye dance?”    “Aye!”    “Well c’mere!”    She ran across the road to the band, Severus following her. He was ready to reach for his wand, but it was all under false caution.    “What’s your name, miss?”    “Grace,” she shook the man’s hand.    “Nice to meet ye, Grace. You Riverdance?”    “When I was little, but I probably still can.”    “To any music?” a man with a guitar asked.    “Probably.”    “How’s bout a challenge?”    “Aye,” she took off her coat and handed it to Severus.    “Grace-“ he started.    “It’s fine, dad. I won’t get hurt. Promise!” she flexed her ankles; this was going to be really hard in boots.    Severus sighed, leaning against the wall of the pub, watching carefully. Leave it to Grace to live completely on the edge of life when Severus just wanted to keep her in a bubble.    Grace stood in front of the band, trying to avoid the looks of passerby's, just keeping her gaze on the O’Connor monument.    The man with the fiddle started, and Grace laughed, noticing the song as Dropkick Murphy’s ‘I’m Shipping Up To Boston.”    She danced along to the music, realizing it was very, very hard to Riverdance in boots. And the tempo was fast, so it was even harder to tap and scuff along. But she was doing it, smiling and laughing along, adding a graceful flare to the otherwise hoarse song. People from the street and out of shops and the pub started to gather around the band to watch the scene. They clapped along to the music and cheered the redhead before them on.    There was a little girl in the growing crowd that tugged on her mother’s pant leg, “Look, mummy. Look at her dance. I wanna dance just like her, mummy!”    She heard a couple of high school boys whistle, “How come the hot girls never are the ones that are in our class?”    “I know, right?” the other boy said.    The music ended and Grace took a deep breath and bowed and the small crowd cheered.    A few people came up to her, as she responded in her natural nervous giggles, and complimented her. The boys tried asking for her number, but she politely declined and told them she had a boyfriend, but that she was very flattered.    “Ah, well, he’s a lucky lad then,” one of the boys said.    “Anyways, you made our day far more interesting than it was. Have a nice day, miss,” said the other, and they both waved and went on their way. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how to respond to someone rejecting to give you their number!    With Grace’s little show brought more attention to the small band. They thanked Grace profusely as they were at the same time bombarded with a few requests.    “Do you live here in Ballycastle, miss?” asked the man with the fiddle.    Severus walked over and handed Grace her coat. She put it back on, the sea breeze picking up, “I used to. A long time ago.”    The two started walking towards Anne Street, when he asked, “What’s your last name?”    “Snape!” she called over her shoulder and turned the corner onto Anne. She looked up at her dad, who looked both proud and amused.    “What’s that look for?”
    “I’m just really proud of you of you, you know that right, Grace?”    She nodded as they stopped in front of Solas Moyle.    “You don’t have to do this. We can turn around and go home right now. It’s your choice,” he put a hand on her shoulder.    She shook her head, “No. It needs to be done. I need to tell her face-to-face that she doesn’t have any control over me or any emotions. Just, please stay close, okay?”    “Don’t worry, Gracie. I’m not going anywhere. Now, hand it over,” he held his hand out.    “Ugh. You’re no fun,” she pulled her wand out of her boot and handed it to him.    “And I’m not having my daughter being expelled for using magic underage out of Hogwarts,” he put her wand in the inside pocket of his coat.

-

   Solas Moyle was painted with bright colors and filled with a “cheery” staff, but its patients’ eyes were filled with misery. Grace had been in their shoes before; being in an institution where you basically had no freedom. Every part of your day was monitored and planned. You couldn’t wear certain things, have certain things in your room, or even go to the bathroom without someone standing outside the door. Each day you had to sit in a circle and talk about your feelings and how you’re doing, and then have a one-on-one and talk about the same thing, and then do group activities that you could care less about doing.    “May I help you, miss?” the woman behind the desk asked after they had been buzzed in.    “Uh, yeah. We uh… We… Adina McClivert?” Grace stumbled out; her chest felt tight.    “Oh, she’s been waiting. You must be her daughter,” the woman handed Grace and Severus visitor’s passes.    “No,” Grace said as if she had just been asked to drink poison. She put on the stupid pass and opened the stupid door into the stupid rec room. Did she mention that she thought all of this was fucking stupid?    “Relax,” Severus said noting Grace’s clenched fists. He was glad he took her wand.    “Whatever,” she shoved her hands into her pockets. She made her way over to the woman with dark red hair, just like herself.    Adina McClivert was a short, thin woman with curly, long, deep red hair. Her skin was a ghastly white, even whiter than Grace’s, and she had no freckles, unlike Grace as well. Other than that, and Adina’s brown eyes, they looked strikingly similar. That, and the obvious wear and tear years of drug abuse had on Adina’s body.    “Well I’ll be damned,” Adina said standing from her spot on the old, frumpy rec room couch. “I didn’t think you’d show.”    “Just as surprised,” Grace responded, flinching away from Adina’s arms as she tried to hug her former daughter.    “And who’s this?” she asked looking at Severus.    Before he could speak up, Grace cut in, “This is Severus Snape. He’s one of my professors at school and he’s great and he adopted me. So he’s my true family now.” Her scowl towards Adina transitioned to admiration when she shot a glance towards her dad.    “Pleasure to meet you, Severus.”    “Likewise,” his voice was laced with venom as she shook her hand as he had nothing but resentment for the woman.    Grace smirked at Adina’s slight reaction to Severus’ overwhelming aura of absolute hatred.    “Well, please, sit,” Adina gestured at another couch, exactly like the one adjacent. The two of them sat, Grace, letting out a huff as she took her hands out of her pockets and crossed her arms. She looked at the woman sitting across from her; she looked sickly, her body was covered in track marks that had barely faded against her pale skin, and those teeth were probably fake as well. It was nice to see Karma had done her part on Grace’s mother, no matter in what form it was. Grace hoped her father was doing just as bad rotting in prison.    “So, tell me about this special Wizarding school you go to, Grace. I always knew you were special. Always making strange things happen when you were little.”    Grace narrowed her eyes, “Are you stalking me now?”    She shook her head, “No. Well, maybe a wee bit. I called up your last foster family, The Nobles. They filled me in and told me where I could find you.”    “Remind me to hex them,” Grace mumbled loud enough for Severus to hear.    “Is it really wise to be speaking openly about magic in public?” he asked.    “With what everyone here talks about on a daily basis and the shite they see?”    Severus shrugged, Fair enough.    Adina turned back to Grace, “And of course I’ve been keeping up on all of your achievements here in our world. Figure skating competitions, dance recitals, violin and piano recitals; that’s all stuff anyone can look up on Google, dear.”    Grace rolled her eyes, “Well I had to give all of that stuff up on behalf of attending Hogwarts because I simply don’t have the time, but I still enjoy it. But I’ve found other stuff to do at my new school.”    “Such as?”    “I play Quidditch. It’s… It’s quite hard to explain, but my position is pretty important.”    “And are you doing well in your classes?”    “A bit too well. I think I annoy the teachers sometimes,” she smirked at Severus.    “Nobody likes a know-it-all, Grace Audrey.”    “Audrey? Whatever happened to Grace Adina?” the older woman raised a brow.    “I changed that shit as soon as I entered the foster system. Like I’d want to have anything that reminded me of you,” Grace glared at the woman in front of her. Severus bit his tongue to correct Grace on her language and attitude but then he realized, This woman deserves everything that’s gonna be handed to her.    “Now, now, Gracie. Watch your tongue.”    “Who are you to tell me what to do? Who are you to think you have any control over me? You were the one who was too high to protect me from him when I was seven-years-old! If you had any love for me, you wouldn’t have shot up! You were supposed to be there to stop him, to do something! And you could’ve cared less about me! You cared more about your fucking drugs!”    Severus looked around the rec room and noticed that not just one light was flickering, but they all were starting to erratically flicker. They flickered faster as Grace’s voice got louder. Uh-oh.    Adina narrowed her eyes, “That’s no way to talk to your moth-“    “You are not my mother!” Grace stood up, fists clenched so tightly her knuckles were white, and in an instant, the lights in the room got extremely bright and with a pop, the room went dark. Grace flinched and covered her ears at the loud pop, unaware she was the one who caused it.    Before the patients could start a commotion, one of the staff flipped the breaker, turning the lights back on.    “Okay, I think we’re done here,” Severus stood, taking Grace by the arm and pulling her away from a terrified Adina.    Before they left, Grace called over her shoulder her final words to her former mother, “And leave me the hell alone, or I swear to god I’ll-“ she didn’t get finish before Severus pulled her out the door.

-

   Once outside, Grace’s emotions finally washed over her; her eyes were full of tears and she was bloody pissed. She went over to a narrow alley across the street and punched a wall. “Fuck!” she yelled clutching her hand.    Severus ran over to her, “Now why would you think that’d be a good idea?”    “I don’t know! I just needed to punch something and- ugh! That bloody hurt!”    “Well, yeah, you punched a brick wall, She-Hulk!”    Grace took a few deep breaths and wiped her tears, “I’m sorry.”    “For? The wall doesn’t have feelings, Gracie,” he was trying his best to get her to laugh.    “No, for- for in there.”    “Grace, don’t you dare apologize.”    “But-“    “Grace,” he pulled her into a hug. “You didn’t do anything wrong. Although, you’ll have to learn how to control your emotions better. Surprised you didn’t blow up the whole building.”    “Huh?” she looked up at her dad, confused.    “You blew the circuit in there.”    “Wait, that was me?”    “Yes, you honestly didn't know that?”    “No! That’s so cool! I’m like, a superhero or something. Miss… Electric! No… Electric Shock? Nah, I think that one is taken.”    Severus rolled his eyes, at least she was smiling again.    “Ooh! Before we leave, I wanna show you something!” she grabbed Severus’ hand and started leading the way.

-

   When Severus thought “something,” he thought maybe a park or a monument. Not a bloody path that led to a treacherous rope bridge to a tiny island! First of all, he was pretty sure they were trespassing.    “It's closed. Weather isn’t good enough today. I used to come here all the time when I was little,” she said as she jumped the fence.    “Grace, no.”    “Grace, yes. Now c’mon! Hop it!”    “If we get arrested, I’m not paying for your bail,” he said as he reluctantly hopped the fence.    And then the rope bridge. He was going to kill Grace. She went first, and about halfway over, because she thinks she’s bloody funny, started shifting her weight, making the bridge sway.    “Grace Audrey McClivert-Snape!”    And she just kept laughing her ass off. Yup, he was going to kill her.    Finally, they got across, “Welcome to Carrick-A-Rede Island!”    Severus looked around, there was only a single building on the small island and it was surrounded by the sea and Ireland’s Cliffs. “It is pretty amazing.”    “Right?” she walked over to the edge, breathing in the sea breeze. She sat down, legs hanging off of the edge. She looked over her shoulder to her dad and patted the grass next to her, “I promise the edge isn’t gonna break off.”    “I swear, Grace…” but he sat next to her anyway.    “Thank you for coming today.”    “You don’t have to face everything on your own, Grace,” he wrapped an arm around her shoulder. “You shouldn’t have to, at least.”    “Thank you. It really does mean a lot… Hey, speaking of not being alone, when are you going to tell Phoebe how you feel?”    “What?” Severus asked, trying to sound oblivious.    “Dad, it’s obvious you like Phoebe. Perhaps even love her. You need to tell her before she goes back to New York. The Universe is giving you a second chance and if you don’t take it now, then she’s never going to come back!”    He knew she was right, he just didn’t want to admit it, and he didn’t want to admit that he was indeed in love with Phoebe. “Shut up, Grace.” But she just smirked, knowing she was right all along.

-

   Severus was able to find an apparition point to return home to Snape Manor. Grace was emotionally exhausted, and all she could do was say goodnight to everyone before heading upstairs to her room. But something was blocking her door. When she finally got the door open enough to squeeze through, she gasped; her room was full of dozens of sunflowers.    On her bed was a note, next to Cas who was rather enjoying himself playing with the flowers. The note read: “Sorry today was awful, but I thought you could use something to brighten your gray day. I’ll pick you up tomorrow around seven. Love, Draco.”    She smiled wide, holding the note to her chest, her heart swelled. She loved that boy.

[southerngayprobz]

Here I am again :(

So, I haven’t posted in a while, which is typical on here. Tonight, I am here to get more things off my chest. By the way, thanks to all the non-existent followers who read these posts!

I have been dating this guy (we’ll name him Jack) for a total of two months, but over the span of three months. We matched on Tinder back in the middle of May, and went on dates for about a month before I decided that we’d be better as friends. Long story short, I was trying to keep my options open when dating so that I don’t rush into anything with anyone. The reason I ending things with this guy is because I decided to pursue things with one of the other guys I was talking to (we’ll call him Harry). I won’t really focus on Harry in this post. Now, for the record, both of these guys are wonderful and genuine people. So... some of you may be wondering why I am writing this post. Things should have worked out where there were two genuine guys I was talking to. Right? RIGHT? Wrong.

Jack (the main guy that this post is about) is a couple of years younger than me. He is genuine, trustworthy, caring, and a family-oriented type of guy. He’s about two inches shorter than me, has strawberry-blond hair, blue eyes, and pale skin. I’d describe him as the nerdy kind of guy who got no attention in high school and barely any attention in undergrad. Like I mentioned before, he is very genuine, but he wears his heart on his sleeve. We went on a few dates, I enjoyed them and enjoyed those dates and the time I spent with him. We went hiking a couple of times, and went to a cave. We went out to eat at a few places, and after a few dates, i realized that we had more things in common than I’ve had with other men I’ve tried to date. We like a lot of the same TV shows. We have an overlapping on music artists we like, and arguably the most important, we share the same top two love languages. [For those of you who do not know what the five love languages are, I’d encourage you to take the Five Love Languages quiz, so that you can have a better idea of how you like to express love. the Five Love Languages are (in the order of mine from highest to lowest): quality time, physical touch, acts of service, words of affirmation, and gift giving.]

I was elated to know that we clicked in many areas. I learned all of this within the first month of us dating, and before I decided that we’d be better as friends. Everything changed mentally for me one night when he told me about the deepest baggage he had. I tried for a couple of weeks to put that baggage behind me, but I was unable to do so. So, I told him that I felt like we should just be friends, but I didn’t tell him why I wanted us to just be friends (basically the baggage he told me about). Over the next month, we hung out a couple of times as friends while I was pursuing things with Harry. Before anyone jumps to conclusions, I had no intention of dating him after the baggage he told me about, but I felt like he was a very genuine person, so I decided that he’d be a fantastic friend. Well, when things fizzled out with Harry, I invited Jack to come hang out - side note: I had just moved into my own apartment a week before things fizzled out with Harry. So I’m hanging out with Jack, and I was really aroused, so I told him I wanted to try having sex with him. To this day, I don’t understand why I decided to go through with having sex with him.

After we had sex, I felt extremely terrible because, honestly, I was disappointed in myself. I will explain some of the reason why later. After that night, I invited him to come over again the next night so that we could talk about the previous night and bury the hatchet. That conversation ended with us trying to date again. Once again, I don’t known why I decided to do this. I was opening myself up to bad things, but I decided that he had a lot of good qualities that outweighed the bad qualities. We’ve been dating for another month or so, but I think I should call it quits again.

I guess, at this point, I should give a little more information about Jack. As mentioned before, he is very trustworthy and loyal; however, he is not the most cultured or aware person. This may be nit-picky, but he doesn’t walk with confidence. He walks like a geek. I don’t know how else to say it, but it feels like he’s unaware of some social aspects. He’s not dumb or slow by any means; he’s really intelligent. The best way to describe it is that he acts like a sheltered individual who went to private school, and never picked upon regular cues you learn in middle and high school (like how to walk confidently and not draw negative attention to yourself).

[Warning: some of the items I mention may be petty turnoffs, but are important to mention] In addition to some of the things that I expect the person I’m dating to generally be aware of, there were some hygiene things I thought were subpar. For example, he doesn’t use a washcloth, sponge, or other utensil when taking a shower. He only uses his hands. I’m not sure if not using anything when taking a shower is normal, but it just sounds gross not to use anything to scrub your body with when taking a shower. How are you scrubbing the bacteria off or truly cleaning your skin when you’re only rubbing your skin with you hands? Also, one of the first times we jerked off together, he had the intention of wiping off the cum, putting on his clothes, and heading to work before I told him to take a shower (he was working the overnight shift at his job). It’s one thing to cum, wipe it off, the go to sleep, but I think it’s unacceptable to wipe cum off and go straight to work smelling like cum and sex sweat. That’s gross, and a huge turn off. It makes me wonder how much he values smelling nice when going to work... Next, he never dresses up when coming down to go to dinner. The most he did was wear jeans and a t-shirt. If we’re going out, we need to look good. Call it shallow if you want to, but if I’m going out with someone I plan to refer to as my boyfriend in the future, I’d like to feel proud about how well he presents himself in public. No, the clothes don’t make the person, but they play an integral role in appearing put together in public. Especially in the south where people are already subconsciously judging us as it is. Lastly, he’s not the most attractive guy out there, he looks like he’s already aging, and his hair already looks to have a bald spot. Call me superficial all you want, but I feel like I could do better physically.

Long story short, I’ve put all these things aside because I was trying to value his good qualities and ignore the negative ones. I’ve been trying so hard to tell myself that I wasn’t settling, but after a phone conversation with my brother and his girlfriend, I’ve come to realize that I have been lying to myself. If I want my significant other to dress well and walk upright without having to tell him, then I need to re-evaluate whom I’m dating. He’s never been manipulative, mean, or disrespectful to me. He has never intentionally angered me, or try to make me feel bad. At the end of the day, I did the things I have done with him because I felt like he was a genuine guy who didn’t deserve to be labeled by things that happened in his past. But in all honesty, I feel like I did the things because I felt bad for him. Of all things, I think that shows a lack of respect for me and my self-esteem and self-love.

Big takeaway: you’re still settling, even when the person holds all the core values you need in a relationship (loyalty, monogamy, trust, honesty, respect, etc.) if that person doesn’t meet the primal things like attractiveness, confidence, awareness, and charisma. I care about him immensely, but I have to be realistic. Since all the grievances I mentioned above are important to me, there’s not much more to say. It hurts to write all this, but there’s no easy way to say this without it coming off blunt, insensitive, and shallow. Honestly, the main reason why I can’t keep doing this is because I just get easily annoyed and angered (on the inside) sometimes when he’s around and when he’s not around.

Fuck, I feel like this is an extremely unfair characterization of an amazing guy. I feel like crying for even typing all of this up.

[electricoutdoors]

Best Toilet Paper Alternatives – 11 (Actually Useful) Options

Best Toilet Paper Alternatives

Every once in a while I see people asking what the best alternative to toilet paper is. It’s actually a bigger deal than you may think. If you don’t properly clean yourself it can lead to uncomfortable sores and rashes!

What are the best toilet paper alternatives? Bidet, add-on bidet, handheld bidet, bidet bottles, spray bottle, newspaper, other paper items, baby wipes, adult wipes, cloth wipes, and toilet paper tablets are the best toilet paper alternatives. [wc_toggle title=“Table of Contents” padding=“” border_width=“” class=“” layout=“box”]

Best Toilet Paper Alternatives

Toilet Paper Alternatives

Water

Paper

Wipes

Disinfecting Cloth

Toilet Paper Tablets

Combining Different Techniques

Storing Toilet Paper

How much toilet paper should you store?

Wiping Yourself with Other Things

Conclusion

[/wc_toggle] Letting yourself develop rashes and sores quickly leads to infections if left untreated.

Toilet Paper Alternatives

If you’ve been looking around for toilet paper alternatives for any amount of time, then you’ve probably come across all the articles that just try to throw anything in there so they can say that they have one more alternative than some other site…I can’t stand it!

All of these are actually useful ideas for alternative TP options. “Just drag your butt on the carpet like a dog” isn’t going to show up on the list!

Water

Water is probably the easiest way to clean yourself, but it’s also the most important survival item there is. If you’re cutting back on toilet paper because there just isn’t any toilet paper available due to some long term disaster, think long and hard before you use water to clean your butt!

If you’re in an area that has plenty of water, then it’s not a big deal, but if you live in an area that has limited water you’re going to need to come up with a different option.

Bidet - A bidet is a piece of hardware that sits next to your toilet and sprays water to clean you after you go to the bathroom. This obviously isn’t for emergencies and would be pretty costly to add to your bathroom, but it’s the best way to cut out the use of toilet paper on a daily basis.

Add-on Bidet - Add-on bidets attach to your existing toilet and give it a bidet function. They have all of the benefits of a traditional bidet and don’t require a lot of money or construction to set-up.

This still isn’t a good idea for a long term disaster (unless you’re able to keep your water running) but it’s great to get rid of toilet paper and cut down on your environmental impact.

Handheld Bidet - This is a spray nozzle that connects to the toilet or a nearby faucet and is used to spray yourself after you go to the bathroom. They’re the least expensive permanent bidet option. They have the same benefits and disadvantages of the add-on bidet but are usually much cheaper.

Bidet Bottles/Perineal Bottles - Bidet bottles and perineal bottles are pretty much the same thing, they’re just marketed to different audiences. Both of them have a squeeze bottle that holds water and a curved tube with a nozzle on the end.

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You can try this travel bidet bottle if you’re looking to try out something like this.

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These are perfect for emergencies and don’t use a lot of water. The nozzles typically produce a decent amount of water pressure so they actually do a decent job of cleaning you!

Spray Bottles - You can actually use regular spray bottles pretty effectively. You’ll have to experiment with different spray bottles since there’s sometimes a lot of variation between manufacturers, but overall a spray bottle will work in a pinch.

A quick note on using streams, rivers, ponds, and lakes as a place to clean yourself. You’ll probably notice that I never mentioned going to the bathroom and then cleaning yourself in some body of water, or even better, just going in that body of water.

That’s because the main way that some of the worst waterborne diseases are transmitted is the fecal-oral route. That means from the feces of someone who’s infected to the mouth of someone that’s healthy and drinking from contaminated water. Don’t take the chance of contaminating a water source.

Paper

Paper is a natural go-to when looking for alternative toilet paper. You can use all kinds of paper but some are better than others.

Newspaper seems like it would be the best type of paper to store in bulk if you intentionally wanted to go that route. Just crumble it up to soften it a little and you should be good to go.

Other paper sources will work too. Notebooks, magazines, catalogs, etc. can all be used. I would stay away from thicker paper and glossy paper if you can. Paper that has a glossy finish has a tendency to smear things around more than you’re going to like.

Wipes

There are all kinds of wipes out there that work great as toilet paper. You can grab baby wipes, buy wipes that are specifically designed for wiping adult butts or even make your own cloth wipes.

Baby Wipes - Baby wipes are one of the better toilet paper alternatives. They have chemicals that reduce chafing and prevent rashes.

Adult Wipes - Adult wipes range from purpose-made wipes for camping and hiking to wipes designed to clean up after adults with incontinence. Either way, they’re usually larger and thicker than baby wipes since they’re made for adults.

Cloth Wipes - Cloth wipes can be anything from old clothing to microfiber towels to so-called “family cloth”. They work really well and aren’t as gross as you’d think they would be.

Make sure that you have a diaper bin or something similar and clean them properly before you reuse them.

Disinfecting Cloth

If you’re going to be reusing rags or purpose-made cloth wipes, you need to make sure that you wash them with hot water.

According to the CDC: “Hot water provides an effective means of destroying microorganisms. A temperature of at least 160°F (71°C) for a minimum of 25 minutes is commonly recommended for hot-water washing. The use of chlorine bleach assures an extra margin of safety.  A total available chlorine residual of 50–150 ppm is usually achieved during the bleach cycle. Chlorine bleach becomes activated at water temperatures of 135°F–145°F (57.2°C–62.7°C).”

That quote is straight from the CDC’s guidance for environmental infection control in health-care facilities. Following those guidelines will get your cloth wipes clean and eliminate most of the bacteria and other microbes at work in them. It doesn’t make them sterile.

Drying cloth wipes in the sun is another good way to kill off bacteria. The UV rays from the sun deactivate bacteria and keep it from being able to reproduce.

Lemon juice is a great way to kill off bacteria and its strong smell can get rid of any nasty odors that may linger. The high acidity of lemon juice can kill microbes.

Toilet Paper Tablets

Toilet paper tablets have recently gotten a lot of traction in the survival and outdoor communities. They’re a compressed towelette that’s biodegradable and stronger than normal toilet paper.

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Portawipes compressed toilet paper is one of the highest-rated toilet paper tablets on Amazon. It comes with 500 tablets and 4 plastic tubes to transport them.

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They can be rinsed and reused if you’re using them as a washcloth or to clean up a spill and they hardly take up any space in a bag or emergency kit.

As toilet paper, they’re great because they only take about a tablespoon of water to rehydrate. After that, you get what’s normally about a 9 x 9" moist towel that you can wipe yourself with. One is good enough for most people but you can use as many as you want.

Combining Different Techniques

The option that’s going to work best for you is probably something that combines a couple of the toilet paper alternatives above. By combining different things, you can mix and match techniques to maximize cleaning and minimize the use of resources that may be limited.

An example would be using water to clean yourself and then finishing with cloth wipes, or wiping with newspaper first and then finishing with baby wipes. Either of these would get you cleaner than any single toilet paper alternative alone.

Storing Toilet Paper

Flatten the roll of toilet paper before storing it or get rolls of toilet paper that don’t have a cardboard roll in the center. These tend to be the “professional” rolls of toilet paper (read as not soft and single-ply) but they take up less room than store-bought rolls.

After you flatten a roll of toilet paper you should store them in an area that doesn’t get wet and won’t get contaminated by insects or rodents. Once toilet paper gets wet or has insects and rodents in it, it’s pretty much trash.

Plastic 55-gallon drums would be an ideal place to store toilet paper for the long term. It really comes down to how important toilet paper is to you.

How much toilet paper should you store?

At first glance around the internet, it seems like the general consensus is that Americans use 3 rolls of toilet paper per week. If you dig around a little more you’ll find that the federalist did a little math and it actually comes out to a little more than 1 roll per week per person (56 rolls a year). Let’s just round that to 60 rolls per person per year of toilet paper that you want to have stored. (Keep in mind that women tend to use a little more than that.)

Storing 60 rolls per person per year will add up fast, but if you’re serious about having toilet paper in case of a long term disaster, then at least you have a number to shoot for. If I was storing toilet paper, I’d probably make it 70 rolls per person just to have a little wiggle room.

Wiping Yourself with Other Things

Historically, there was a wide range of things used before toilet paper was invented. Mankind has spent a lot more time without toilet paper than with toilet paper, it was only invented in 1857 and still isn’t used in many parts of the world.

I’m not recommending that you use any of these methods unless you absolutely have to, but they’ve all been used in the past without too many ill effects.

All of these things have been used before toilet paper came around:

Your hands

All kinds of leaves and branches

Corn husks

Moss

Snow

Wool

Sponges

Mussel shells

Coconut husks

Clay (how is that even supposed to work)

Again, I’m not recommending that you go and start wiping your butt with coconut husks. I just put this list here so you know what’s been done in the past in case you have to get creative at some point.

Conclusion

You can wipe your butt with just about anything, but I like to go with what’s the most effective instead of just grabbing a handful of sticks and hoping they do the job.

If you plan ahead for emergencies, then you can have plenty of toilet paper stored. If you’re just looking to cut down on your paper usage, there are a lot of good toilet paper alternatives out there that you can try.

I would go with a bidet for regular use at home and some combination of a bidet bottle and wipes for disasters.

Best Toilet Paper Alternatives – 11 (Actually Useful) Options is courtesy of: ready lifestyle

Best Toilet Paper Alternatives – 11 (Actually Useful) Options published first on https://readylifesytle.tumblr.com

[mrtroy]

Little Things Revisited: Embracing the Sweat Stains

This week marks the five-year anniversary of publishing my book, Little Things in a Big Sky. I’ve finally started to go back and read it for the first time! Ha. It’s been really interesting to reflect on that time in my life and read through what I was thinking, how I thought about things in general, and to notice changes in how I think now, and also in how I write now.

When I say I’m reading the book for the first time, that refers to reading it after the editing process ended. When I was working back and forth with the editor, I would of course read what I wrote and make comments on what I was okay with changing and what I wasn’t. But, since the book has been finished I’ve never actually read it. Hopefully after five years, I’m finally ready to do so!

The process of writing a book – especially the way I did it – is mentally taxing. Being that Little Things is a collection of short stories, I essentially wrote one story a day for about 60 days in a row. Most of the stories are around a thousand words in length, so I wrote 60,000 words in 60 days. Most days I would write and re-write that day’s story and then outline, or at least jot down some ideas for what I thought I might write the next day. After those 60 days were up and I felt like I had a good solid core for the book, I edited it back and forth with the editor for about three straight weeks – roughly 2-3 hours each night.

By the time the whole process was complete, I was fried. I was doing this after work each night, and I remember most nights falling asleep in what seemed like seconds after my head hit the pillow.

By the time the jacket artwork was done and everything was worked out with the publishing platform, truthfully, I really had no energy left to actually read the book.

As I started to get feedback from those who had actually read it, it made things even harder. Objectively, the book isn’t all that great, and most of the feedback was nice, but there were twinges of honesty in people’s well-intended critiques. I respect that – and actually prefer it that way – but it didn’t make it any easier to want to go back and read my work.

So now, I finally am, and I’m going to react to it here.

--

In my efforts to read Little Things for the first time, I pulled up my original source file from when I wrote it. Because of the way I wrote it – daily, when time allowed – the original source file is actually a Google Doc. I did it this way so I could write on the go. On my phone if I wanted to take a note, or even on other machines when I traveled. It worked well.

For some reason when I saved the final, final Google Doc, I saved it in reverse order to how it appeared in the book. The last page was first and the first page was last. I have no idea how I did this, and don’t consciously remember doing it, but as I opened the file for the first time since December of 2013, there was the last section of the book on page one of the doc. Strage, but true, apparently.

Five years is a strange amount of time to go back and reflect on writing. I write a fair amount, and do so in a fair amount of formats. I’ve started writing three other books since publishing this one, and between three those three have about 80,000 more words of ‘other book content.’ The point here: As I read my words from 2013, I knew they were mine – they definitely sound like me – but I only vaguely remember writing them.

Here’s the last story from Little Things in a Big Sky:

Embracing the Sweat Stains - 11/15/13

I’ve been thinking for about a week about how I want to end this book. The rest of the book has been written on successive days - the Afterward will explain that - but when it came time to write the last story, I needed some time.

I’m not always one who waits before I express my feelings and in many instances that hasn’t always worked in my favor. In the moment, it’s easy to say something that isn’t necessarily that well thought out.

But at the same time, if I think about things too long I over analyze them to the Nth degree.

So, in many ways, this process has been an evolution and a compromise. Writing every day, but not publishing or sharing any of it for months. By the time anyone reads these words, it will have been three months since I started writing. While that might not seem like a long time to you - and in terms of publishing a book it’s no time at all - to me, that may as well be an eternity.

The biggest thing I’ve noticed about myself during this process is how much I have grown to love sweat stains.

Yes, you read that correctly. I have really grown to love sweat stains.

Let me explain.

The groundwork for this love was laid when my brother was in middle school track and field. Loosely speaking, he ‘ran’ track, and his event was the hurdles if I remember correctly. I admired my brother for joining the track team. He is three years younger than me, but in many ways has always been an inspiration to me

For a long time, I’ve had a fear of getting involved in activities. For whatever reason, I have a hard time ‘just going for it.’ I think it’s probably due to over analyzing things and being worried about a negative outcome, rather than expecting a positive one. I’m working on that now, but back when my brother was in middle school the thought of my joining a sport or activity I had no previous experience in was as foreign as could possibly be.

I was so proud of him for joining track and I gave him even more credit because he was so, so bad at it. We’ve laughed about it since then and he excitedly reminds me that he beat a kid once. He’s not referring to a match race, or a rival, or anything like that. All that means is that one time, in one race, he finished ahead of one kid.

It was after a feat like this that he was able to proudly wear his track team shirt. I love shirts like that. On the front they have the school name and which sport you’re associated with and on the back is some team slogan or team saying. We’ve also laughed in the present day about the fact that this middle school track shirt’s slogan was ‘Pain is temporary. Pride lasts forever!’

The hilarity of these words is never lost on us. Of course the Madison Jr. High track team didn’t come up with these words. I’m sure they’ve been used for generations to inspire world-class athletes to train and compete at the highest level.

The fact that my brother - many things, but not a world-class athlete - owned a shirt with this saying on it is just too funny.

As someone whose reluctance to try things kept me from joining many teams, I have always thought these shirts were so cool. More than anything in the world, I wanted a shirt with a cool slogan on it.

I was in high school at the time my brother was running track and I remember that one of our teams had a shirt that said ‘Sweat is Pain Leaving the Body.’

I don’t remember which team it was, and the overly cliche-ish nature of the statement insures that it could have been just about any team. Heck, I’m sure the debate team could have sweat quite a bit outlining some very painful point-counterpoint arguments…

I remember seeing this shirt and wondering how it applied to me. Despite being decently athletic and having been active most of my life, I never really sweat.

I caddied for ten summers in the sweltering Chicago heat and despite nearly passing out from heat exhaustion on Men’s Guest Day in 2000, I barely sweat at all.

To me, sweating was something that old men did.

That day in 2000 when I almost fainted, I was caddying for Tom Garvin. Tom was the former CEO of Keebler and if the man knew anything better than making cookies and biscuits, it was sweating. Actually, he was a huge fan of track and field as well, come to think of it...

The more I caddied, the more I noticed that old man sweat is super gross. I’ll never forget caddying for a man named Wil Gillet who very politely asked me to loop a washcloth around my front left belt loop. I was fourteen at the time and didn’t think much of it. I did as I was told and tried not to lose his golf ball in the tall grass.

About twenty five times during that particular round of golf, Mr. Gillet asked me for the wash cloth. He’d wipe his brow, his face and his neck and then he’d hand me back the washcloth to store in my belt loop.

By the end of the round Mr. Gillet had sweat completely through his golf shirt and his shorts. What started as little dabs of sweat underneath his nipples connected with an ever-expanding circular pool of sweat that started at his belly button. The lower back sweat then made its way around his hips and connected to form a salty suit of armor that may have been able to repel an entire Roman Army.

But it didn’t repel me. I faithfully stood by his right hip and he grabbed for the washcloth on my left hip. Walking down the eighteenth fairway I started to look to my right to see what time the old clubhouse clock said it was. The clock was rarely right, but I was still too young to know that yet.

I never got to read what time it was because Mr. Gillet needed his sweat rag.

“Hey, boy!” he said. Old man golfers often referred to their caddies in this way. Trying to remember the name of one hundred caddies is much harder than remembering, ‘Boy,’ so I was often just ‘Boy’ or ‘Sport’ or ‘Pal.’ This may sound disrespectful, but it rarely was. For his part, Mr. Gillet was one of the kindest men at the club and someone that I would enjoy getting to know over the coming years.

What I did not enjoy was his final request for his washcloth.

“Let me get that rag one more time,” he said.

He was a few yards away and up the fairway a bit, but he wasn’t walking back towards me. So, to my horror, I had to toss him the washcloth.

Right before you toss a washcloth, you have to grab it a little bit more tightly so that it doesn’t fly out of your hand as you swing your arm back to execute the throw. In this case, doing so caused sweat to come pouring out as my strengthened grip wrang the cotton fibers to the point where the cloth could no longer contain all the electrolytes the old man had lost.

I almost puked, but Mr. Gillet was thankful.

“Thank you, son” he said. “It sure has been a hot one out here today!”

Yes, yes it had and I was ready for it to be over. What I wasn’t ready for was the washcloth, as it came hurling back my way from up the fairway. Mr. Gillet had tossed it back to me and in my state of unawareness it had landed on my left arm and was slowly sliding towards my left hand. My own saliva curdled in the back of my throat.

I let the rag sort of just settle on my hip and then I picked it up like an investigator might pick up an exhibit of evidence from a crime scene and put it on Mr. Gillet’s golf bag. This round was over. I wasn’t going to be needing it anymore.

So to say I was glad that I wasn’t much of a sweater growing up would be an understatement.

I’d see people at the gym and out running and they’d be sweating profusely. I never thought much of it. I was thankful I wasn’t a sweaty person, but figured it was just good genes or something.

And then it happened.

I started to sweat. A lot. I’m not sure exactly when it started, but it did and it was a problem.

All the sudden all my undershirts were heavily stained yellowish brown, even in the neckline area. Really, I thought to myself, my neck is that sweaty that it stains through my shirts?

I haven’t changed deodorants. I haven’t changed my diet. I haven’t gained a lot of weight. But nonetheless, I’ve turned into a sweaty mess. It’s rather off putting.

It culminated this week.

I’ve been noticing lately that I’ve been working out with my t-shirts tucked into my sweatpants. I swore I’d never be that guy, but it’s as if all the sudden I’m this middle-aged dork that can’t help himself. I never recall tucking my shirt in, but it always seems to happen.

The tucked in shirt keeps the fabric in much tighter order than if left untucked and thus sweat collects in the same concentrated areas.

You can see where this is going.

I now get nipple spots like Mr. Gillet. And belly button pools. And the little trail that connects the two. I came back from a run the other night and I could barely look at myself.

My shirt was dorkily tucked into my pants, which were hiked up unnecessarily high above my hips. The pool of sweat that had formed around my belly button kind of looked like the state of West Virginia and I could feel a small amount of sweat accumulation up near my collar bones. My hair was actually dripping with sweat and my glasses were so filthy I probably could have used a pressure washer to get them clean.

The next night, while coaching basketball practice, the same thing happened. I was running with the kids doing a defensive drill and I just started to gush sweat. I looked down at my light blue shirt and saw that it was drenched through.

At first, I was embarrassed. This type of thing happens all the time in gyms, but never to me, so I didn’t know what to do.

I felt self-conscious as I quickly hurried to put my jacket on. I walked to my car carrying my basketball and my whistle. The cool air on my moist neck made me uncomfortably cold, but a strange feeling began to come over me.

Two minutes later I sat in my car. Sobbing. To add to my sweaty mess I was piling tear after tear onto my blue shirt.

These were not painful tears, though. These were tears of joy. I looked down at my sweat-stained shirt. It was gross. I was so gross it was almost intolerable.

Our team colors for the basketball team are light blue and white. As I looked down at the light blue shirt I was wearing everything came full circle.

All of those teams I’d been afraid to join; all of the pain and uncertainty that I unnecessarily infused into the situations that led to my refusal to try; all of that came pouring out that night.

Not only was I a part of a team, I was a coach of that team. A kid even called me ‘Coach Troy’ that night.

I remembered back to a conversation I had had with my brother a few weeks earlier. He coaches high school soccer and his kids also call him ‘Coach Troy.’

This thought brought more tears to my eyes. I hadn’t told him, but his coaching soccer was what had finally put me over the hump to coach basketball. My little brother. That same one who could barely clear a hurdle on the middle school track team was that last piece of inspiration I needed to finally conquer a fear that had haunted me for so long.

I looked down at my sweaty light blue shirt. I smiled through my tears and realized what I had just learned.

Sweat IS Pain Leaving the Body.

As I read this now for the first time in full, I cringe a little – what was I thinking with such vivid description of sweat?? And did I really reveal the name of the sweaty golfer in the book?? – but in general, I feel okay about it.

It’s me.

It’s goofy. It’s a little odd. It’s all over the place in terms of jumping back and forth between past and present tense, but in this moment, I like it.

There are certain parts of the story where I can see myself trying to show off a bit – using unnecessary strings of descriptors and superlatives. I used to do this a lot – especially after I had just learned a new word, or if I had read something where another author featured the word prominently.

Also as I read it now, I realize how much fatigue I must have been experiencing at the time. This was the last story in a long string of stories, and the ending seems very abrupt. Here I was ending the book, and it’s as if the story just ends without warning. I wish I would have closed a little bit more eloquently, but hey, what ya gonna do? I was so focused on wrapping it up and getting it edited and published, I probably rushed through the story itself.

I really like the sweat stains analogy, though, even if it’s hard to actually read through the descriptions. 

At the time of writing the book, I was in the process of trying to get over a relationship that had just gone bad. Mentally and emotionally, I was hurting. The book was my release. My refuge. A reason to look forward to the day and be excited.

Sweat really was necessary to do the hard mental work of processing my thoughts, and trying to learn from some of the mistakes I had made in the relationship.

It’s also fun to look back and see that my admiration for my brother still remains today. Earlier this year, even without recalling the story from the book, I wrote a letter to my brother that hit on a lot of the same themes. Believe it or not, he’s still three years younger, and I’m still looking up to the way he attacks his life!

I’m thankful to be able to go back to this writing to have a snapshot into my life from five years ago that isn’t just a picture, or a video. Writing exposes a lot of what’s on your heart, and it’s cool to see such a large sample of it here.

I wasn’t sure if I’d ever go back and read these stories, but I’m definitely glad that I am. And that I’m enjoying them -

One final note: I can’t help but think back on my buddy, James ‘Mav’ Sudeikis as I revisit Little Things. Mav tragically lost his life this fall, and his legacy will always live on in the cover of this book. He worked tirelessly to shoot the jacket photography for me, and then format the dust jacket to fit around the hardcover of the book. He was so proud of this piece of his work, and I was so overjoyed with how well it came out. He was living in Illinois and I was living in Nashville while I was writing the book. He and I had to communicate electronically and over the phone to make things happen. He called me time and time again to see if I liked certain design ideas, or to discuss which pictures worked best to span both the front and back cover. He could tell at one point that I wasn’t liking any of the photography options he was presenting, so without me having to ask, he went back out to the shoot location and got more shots to consider. Quickly into his second batch of shots, he absolutely nailed the cover, and that’s the final art you see in the image at the top of this post. Revisiting the artwork reminds me of all the different kinds of help and support required to complete a project like this. I’m forever grateful to my editor, Rob Bignell and Mav for their help. Maver, I miss you, buddy. Five years later, and that cover still looks fresh as ever <3

[sarah-bex93]

Hello lovely readers!

Like I said last week, this week I am going to be talking about something a little more useful than just how to make the best cup of tea you will ever have (not that tea is not of great importance and use).

As the title has given away, I am going to be sharing with you all what my favorite skincare items are (for night use) and what my nighttime skincare routine is on a normal night. This, unlike other review posts in this series, isn’t me trying things for the first time and giving you my opinions/ first impressions. I have been using each of these products for, at least, a month and have been using them consistently. I will, like always, be linking where you can buy these products online and let you know how much I spent on each item.

Quick side notes: I know that everyone has a different budget when it comes to skincare and that is absolutely fine. Most everything mentioned in this post is around the low to mid-range of price (high-end skincare brands can be upwards of $100 for moisturizers and serums). That being said, there are numerous very good, drugstore and inexpensive skincare products out there. In fact, I have owned/ currently own a good many of them. I will probably do a post on my favorite drugstore skincare products in the near future, so for those that are looking for something like that, I will have something for you very soon.

Moving on… so, if I could only give you one piece of advice when it comes to skincare, it would be to find products and a routine that really works for you and are worth the money you are spending on them. Don’t just use a moisturizer because you think you should, find one that works and is worth buying. And trust me, you don’t have to spend an insane amount of money to get good products. Good brands and products are all around you, you just have to know where to start.

Anyway, that is enough chit-chat. Let’s begin, shall we?

The Stars of the Show:

Enzyme Cleansing Gel from Mario Badescu Skincare (16 oz): $24 USD on Amazon.com or Ulta

Drops of Youth™ Exfoliating Liquid Peel by The Body Shop (4.9 oz): $25 USD at The Body Shop or on TheBodyShop.com

Ultra Facial Oil-Free Toner from Kiehl’s (8.4 oz): $16 USD at Kiehl’s, Nordstrom, or Kiehls.com

Drops of Youth™ Youth Essence Lotion from The Body Shop (5.4 oz): $24 USD at The Body Shop or TheBodyShop.com

Drops of Youth™ Youth Concentrate from The Body Shop (1 oz): $38 USD at The Body Shop or TheBodyShop.com

Tea Tree Anti-Imperfection Night Mask from The Body Shop (2.54 oz): $22 at The Body Shop and TheBodyShop.com

Drying Lotion from Mario Badescu Skincare (1 oz): $17 USD on Amazon.com

I like The Body Shop, can you tell?

DISCLAIMER: All of these products are not the end-all-be-all to skin care issues. Also, please do not try these if you have not already tried consistently increasing your daily water consumption and changing your pillowcases every week. Those may sound like really odd things to do, but trust me they help. So many skin issues can be traced to the lack of hydration gained from drinking water and if you aren’t changing your pillowcases regularly, then you keep laying and rubbing your face in weeks of dead skin, oil, dirt, etc. (sounds gross right?) and that can make you break out or have a variety of other issues. If you have already done those things and are still not seeing much of a difference, then feel free to buy whatever you feel you could use to fix your issues. Also, please don’t freak out at the price tags on each of those items. 1) Like I already said, most of these items are ridiculously cheap compared to the things sold at Sephora and 2) the very little amount of each product I use at one time means that they last a long time, so these are not bought all that often. Yes, buying them all at once can mean spending a pretty penny, but I did not do that. My collection has been slowly and carefully curated. 

That being said, here is how I use them and what I think of each.

First, I always start with a makeup-free face and have my hair pulled back. If I have worn makeup on a particular day, I will be sure to remove it before proceeding to this point (but, in all honesty, that isn’t often – I like sleep more than waking up early to put on foundation).

Then, I will wet a washcloth with warm water, then get my face wet. Once I have done that, I will squirt about a quarter-sized dollop of my Enzyme Cleansing Gel by Mario Badescu onto my fingers. Then, I just massage it onto my face and remove with the warm, wet washcloth.

Okay, so this cleanser is probably the best thing ever. I tried a travel size of it this summer and loved it so much that I had to go and buy the biggest size they sold. Here is why it is so amazing:

It is for all skin types, so you don’t have to have combination skin like me for it work for you (read about my skin story here).

It is a gentle exfoliator; the enzymes in the cleanser will gently eat away at the dead skin on your face and will leave you with clean and radiant skin.

It doesn’t strip your skin. I don’t know about you, but this is a huge deal for me. Virtually every cleanser dries out my skin and makes it feel tight, so the fact that this doesn’t do that is just about the best thing ever.

To make a long story short, this cleanser is the bomb.com and worth every single penny, trust me (I’m a teacher, I don’t have money coming out of my ears and I would only use it if it were worth it).

Alright, next I use the Drops of Youth™ Exfoliating Liquid Peel (although not every day – 3 days a week does the job).

This stuff is pretty much the weirdest and coolest product I have ever seen. First of all, if you are someone who can’t deal with abrasive scrubs, this might be the exfoliator of your dreams. After washing my face, I will pump two pumps of this into my hand and massage it onto my face until it looks like the picture on the far right. After about 20 seconds of massaging this into your skin, you will start to feel dead skin to pill and ball up on your skin. It is gross but super satisfying –  in essence, this is a chemical peel that doesn’t burn and doesn’t break the bank. Once that has happened all over my face, I will use my wet washcloth and wipe off all the dead skin. Then, I will wash my hands because the peel does leave a weird residue otherwise.

After that, it is time to tone. The Ultra Facial Oil-Free Toner from Kiehl’s is probably one of the best toners on the market for combination, oily, and/or acne-prone skin.

I reviewed it last year here, so I’m not going to go into extreme details about it. However, after I have exfoliated, I will use a cotton pad (the ones pictured are my favorite ones from CVS) and pour a little bit onto it, then wipe down and “tone” my face.

For those of you who are unsure of what a toner does, it essentially helps to remove anything that your cleanser missed, but also to help get any extra dead skin off and to balance the oils on your skin. There are some toners that act as exfoliators with glycolic acid, I have the Pixi Glow Tonic (which is one of these said toners) that I use on the days that I don’t use my Liquid Peel and really like it.

Anywho, after toning, I will put on my essence lotion from The Body Shop.

Okay, so the picture on the right looks kind of weird and little dumb, but that is what it looks like when I do a couple shakes of the bottle. I will quickly rub it in my hands and pat it all over my face, then let it sink into the skin before moving on.

This essence lotion is the secret weapon of my skincare routine. The Drops of Youth™ line from The Body Shop is fabulous and all of the range’s products have stem cells from various plants that help with cell renewal. Yes, I am only 24-years-old, but it is never too early to start using anti-aging products. I would rather they be proactive than prescriptive. Anyway, essences make every other part of your skincare routine work better. Your serum and moisturizer will sink in better and your skin will definitely thank you for it. Also, I know that $24 is a lot for about 5.5 ounces, but I have had this bottle since about May and I have only just used over half the bottle. So, it is definitely worth the money.

Once my essence lotion has sunk in, I will move onto my fave serum: the Drops of Youth™ Youth Concentrate.

A little bit of this serum is going to go a long way and the 1-ounce bottle is a 6-month supply, so don’t go overboard with this. I will drop about two drops from the pipet into my hand, rub it in my hand, and pat it into my skin. This is just another boost of moisture and nutrients that helps my skin stay clear and healthy. I would highly recommend that you find a serum or facial oil that you like to use before you use your regular moisturizer. Trust me, your skin wants it. The extra boost will help keep your skin in good condition, also they can help with any hyperpigmentation or redness.

We are coming close to the end of my regimen: time to moisturize. The Tea Tree Anti-Imperfection Night Mask from The Body Shop is my favorite night cream I have ever tried (and that is compared to another night moisturizer I have tried from there).

The “mask” is chock full of tea tree oil, hyaluronic acid, and salicylic acid. I am normally not that biggest fan of products with salicylic acid (actually, I typically hate them and steer as far away from them as possible), but this one I like and I think it is because there isn’t that much and the hyaluronic acid is so hydrating, I can’t really tell the salicylic acid is in there other than when I notice how clear my skin is. What I do is that I will dip my finger in and get a little on the tip, then dot it on my face and massage it in. I can honestly say that I have noticed a difference in my skin because of this night mask. My skin is clearer and more even in tone, which I am absolutely for. Granted, it helps that this isn’t the only time of day I will use tea tree oil in my skincare routine. In the morning, especially if I notice a pimple coming in, I will add a little tea tree oil (which, if you didn’t know or haven’t caught on, is amazing for acne prone skin) into my day moisturizer to help ward it off all potential blemishes and to balance the oils in my skin throughout the day.

Now, sometimes that is where it ends. Once my mask absorbs into my skin, I will brush and floss my teeth, swish around some mouthwash for 30 seconds, then go to bed. But, tonight is not one of those nights. If you didn’t notice in the very first picture of the post, then let me tell you: I have two pimples, so I have to take care of those so they will go away. Which, that means that tonight’s final step is a spot treatment. In my opinion, there are two out there that are great and worth every penny: Persa-Gel® 10 from Clean and Clear® which is a spot treatment with 10% benzoyl peroxide is $4.99 at Target or Walmart and it is my favorite one to take when traveling. The other is a bit higher end and the one of I am using happens to be this one; the Drying Lotion by Mario Badescu is an absolute lifesaver.

This one is very similar to the EradiKate by Kate Somerville, for those who are familiar with that product, but $8 cheaper and equally as effective. How you use it is as shown above: use a Q-tip to dip into the bottle and touch the pink sediment at the bottom (ABSOLUTELY DO NOT SHAKE THIS, the whole reason it works is this two-part solution and it has to be separated to work.). Once you touch the sediment with the Q-tip, dot it on your spots like I am doing in the far right picture. It dries pretty quickly and after you apply it, you can go to bed or watch movies or FaceTime your best friend. Just don’t rub your face, it will come off. Granted, this will naturally happen in your sleep and it will come off when you wash your face in the morning, but you don’t necessarily want that earlier than necessary. Once dry, the “lotion” has gotten into your pores and started to take out the pimples in question. And trust me, they will be gone far quicker than normal.

I had a huge pimple under the skin on my jaw earlier this week that I dotted with this and it was gone in a couple days. Normally, that would take a couple weeks for something like that to go away on its own, so I highly recommend this product. It is worth the splash of cash in every way. 

But, I digress. Once done, you will look a little something like the picture to the right. After this, I will usually head to bed (like I said, I’m a teacher – we need all the sleep possible). Please let me know if you already have any of these products or are planning on trying them.

Otherwise, that is all for today! I hope you found this useful or interesting, even if you have no plan on using these products, but are just nosey (no shame).

Until next time,

Sarah

beauty secrets from a real girl: a series of reviews and tips for real women| my skincare holy grail and my nighttime (skincare) routine Hello lovely readers! Like I said last week, this week I am going to be talking about something a little more useful than just how to make the best cup of tea you will ever have (not that tea is not of great importance and use).